TNT Magazine / Issue 1525

November 19-25 2012 Issue 1525 tntmagazine.com

KURT AND COURTNEY The Hole story: sex, drugs and grunge

EUROPE’S BEST BASHES The NYE parties you need to book NOW

WIN!

EXECUTIVE SUITE TICKETS TO FULHAM FC IN DECEMBER

CHEAP THRILL IN LONDON Go Off West End at the city’s theatre pubs

K E R T T R E S DE

um, Jordan R i d a W in e n adventur ia b a r A d il w Join us on a + THANKSGIVING NEWCASTLE NIGHTLIFE KIWI ACE CHRIS WOOD ECCENTRIC ENGLAND TNT 1525 Cover.indd 1

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CALL 0845 257 5210 *Terms and conditions apply. Prices quoted are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off the base trip price only, and do not apply to food funds, sailing funds and local payments. Flights not included. Exchange rates correct at time of printing, and subject to currency fluctuations, depending when payment is made. See online for full terms and conditions.

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LAURA CHUBB EDITOR laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER London’s theatre scene might be world-renowned, but you don’t have to go splashing the cash on the West End to see it. This week, we bring you the best of a more accessible, more affordable and more experimental side of the city’s high-calibre culture – theatre pubs, where a play and a pint make a great pair (P8). Elsewhere, we go adventuring in Jordan (P72) and get the inside story on Kurt and Courtney from Hole’s Patty Schemel (P24). Enjoy.

THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

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LONDONNEWS

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MY LONDON DRINK & EATS

12 14-15

@TNT

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SPOTTED

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LONDON SOUND

18-19

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

20&23

LONDON FOCUS

24-26

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CHATROOM HARRY SHEARER 29 LONDON SCENE SPARE TIME

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LIFESTYLE

33-41

SHOPPING

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FEATURES STEAL THE SHOW

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Forget big bucks theatre on the West End, we find the best shows for less

HEALTH & BEAUTY

34-35

CAREERS

36-37

ROCK SURVIVOR

LIVING

40-41

Hole drummer Patty Schemel on drink, drugs, death and the doco, Hit So Hard

NEWS & SPORT

42-52

COMPETITION TRAVEL

Photos: Thinkstock, Peccadillo Pictures, Getty

30-31

53 55-76

ON TARGET

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Kiwi striker Chris Wood is making waves at Millwall with his eyes set on the EPL

DIARY

56

NEWS

57

LATE DEALS

60

Other-worldly Wiltshire has the mystical, weird and eccentrically English covered

HOTSHOTS

61

BEST YEAR EVER

TOP FIVE

62-63

TIPS & STUFF

64-65

COUNTY OF QUIRK

58

66

We find the most epic New Year’s Eve parties in Europe – you just need to book

48 HOURS IN... NEWCASTLE 70-71

ACTION IN ARABIA

CLASSIFIEDS

TNT traces Lawrence of Arabia’s steps in the desert and defies death canyoning

DESPERATELY SEEKING

77-105 106

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EDITORIAL Group editor Carol Driver Editor Laura Chubb Content editors: Sub/ Sport Michael Gadd Travel Helen Elfer Entertainment Alasdair Morton Web Oliver Jones Social media Dan Thorne Features writer Jade Bremner DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke

LONDONDIARY

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Book of love: learn to write erotica this week

Acting picture researcher Ruth Board DIGITAL & IT Head of digital marketing and development Syed Ahmad

SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Classified Ad Manager Matt Syder Sales executives Eddie Clinton Donovan Smith | Michael Fair Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events executive Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh TNT MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst PUBLISHER TNT Multimedia Limited DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP SAPA NZPA PICTURES Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 16 Brune St, London, E1 7NJ tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com SALES ENQUIRIES

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Shhh... SECRET LONDON EROTIC FICTION WORKSHOP OXFORD STREET

Did you read Fifty Shades Of Grey and think you could write something better? Most people who picked up EL James’ bestseller did. The most famous publishers for getting you hot and steamy under the collar, Mills and Boon, are running these erotic fiction workshops to teach aspiring novelists the essentials to set them off on a road to narrative titillation. It will also be celebrating the release of famed conservative-southern-seminarydrop-out-turned-dominatrix-and-BDSM-erotica-author Tiffany Reisz’s new novel, The Prince.

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WHERE TO GET TNT

COVER PRICE: £1 where sold SEE tntmagazine.com/findtnt for pick-up points or tntmagazine.com/emag to read TNT online SUBSCRIPTIONS AND DISTRIBUTION Caroline Penn 01603 559004

Nov 20. 6.30pm-8pm Harmony, 103 Oxford Street, W1D 2HF

Oxford Circus

millsandboon.co.uk/events

THE ART OF SILVER

UNHINGED ARTS FESTIVAL

MODERN PANIC III

Bentley and Skinner have been buying and selling the best jewellery for over 100 years.

They’re hosting the latest work from esteemed artist Jocelyn Burton, the UK’s premier silversmith, whose work can be seen in places such as the Victoria and Albert Museum, St Paul’s Cathedral and Goldsmith’s Hall. Sounds sterling!

This travelling arts and clubbing experience showcases live music, visual arts, fashion and film. Neo-Giallo horror film Yellow will be screened, along with live street art by Blam and performances from Ghostpoet, beatboxer Schlomo and Gomez’s Ben Ottewell, in a touring night that fuses clubbing with art straight from Berlin.

This eclectic and willfully diverse and provocative exhibition at Apiary Studios, from the gleefully weird Guerrilla Zoo, features live body art, Bat For Lashes’ stylist Natasha Lawes, artwork by (in)famous prisoner Charles Bronson, modern taxidermy, neo-Victorian illustration and insect-flower sculptures.

Unique stuff.

Until Dec 8. 10am-6pm 55 Piccadilly, W1J 0DX Green Park bentley-skinner.co.uk

Nov 23. 8pm-3am Town Hall Parade, SW2 1RJ Brixton electricbrixton.com

Nov 23-Dec 2, 11am-8pm Cambridge Heath E2 9EG guerrillazoo.com

All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

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TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine.

Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers.

Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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Sweet flick: Candy Girl by Lucy Luscombe

UNDERWIRE FESTIVAL Brixton

The UK’s only short film festival celebrating the work of women filmmakers has grown emphatically since its 2010 inception. The five-day fest’s intentions are twofold: to showcase upcoming female talent in the film industry and to shine a light on what is still a most patriarchal of industries.

How many of the top 10 grossing films of all time are directed by women? Includes UnderWire Awards across all filmmaking disciplines, giving out gongs such as best director and producer. £5+

Nov 20-24, various times Brixton Ritzy, SW2 1JG

Brixton

HYPER JAPAN

FASHION ROCKS

Revel in J-culture in all its guises at this three-day festie. Learn how to put a Japanese twist into Christmas, roll some sushi, take a look at the latest from the world’s tech leader that will be rocking your 2013, as well as indulge in the pop culture that has taken the world by storm, Hello Kitty and all.

Does the idea of indulging in retail therapy make you giddy with anticipation? If so, get down to Seven Dials and St Martin’s Courtyard in Covent Garden for this 20 per centoff extravaganza at more than 100 shops, bars and restaurants. There’s even a pop-up Courvoisier bar and in-store parties, too.

Nov 23, 2pm-8pm; Nov 24, 9.30am8pm; Nov 25, 9.30am-5pm Earl’s Court, SW5 9TA Earl’s Court hyperjapan.co.uk

Thurs 29, 5pm-9pm WC2H Covent Garden sevendials.co.uk; facebook.com/stmartinscourtyard

£12+

Photos: Markus Staas

underwirefestival.com

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LONDONNEWS

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WIN A FREE TRIP HOME AT LONDON VICTORIA Fancy a free trip home for the summer?

Aussie dairy experts Bulla Creamy Classics are offering expats a chance to return Down Under by visiting a purpose-built recording booth at London Victoria Station.

Between November 23-24, Aussies can enter the booth and record a 30-second video explaining why they should be awarded a free trip to their home town.

Entrants should then upload their story to Facebook, and the public will vote on who deserves the ticket. The booth will be open 11am-7pm, or you can find out more at bringemhome.com.au.

We are going to take action against a lot of people Lord McAlpine’s lawyer Andrew Reid issues a warning to those who posted tweets linking him to child sex abuse

LONDONER BITTEN

BY POISON SPIDER A Londoner narrowly avoided needing to have her arm amputated after she was bitten by a spider as she slept in her Sutton home. ”You’d expect it in Australia, but not here,” Natalie Hemme, a 31-year-old civil servant, said. After being rushed to St George’s Hospital in Tooting, Hemme was told she would probably lose her arm. It is believed the arachnid was an ordinary house spider. Hemme said she now checks her bed before going to sleep.

ON THE TUBE

It was reported Hollywood star Shia LaBeouf got into a scuffle while off duty from filming his new movie Nymphomaniac in the capital, after a punter grabbed his hat in New Cross’s Hobgoblin pub. Oh, handbags!

iPhone thefts sweep London Record crime figures as muggers swipe the city’s smartphones Gangs of thieves targeting iPhones are plaguing London in record numbers, Scotland Yard has revealed, with 170 handsets being nicked every day.

The muggers ride bicycles and accost commuters and pedestrians in pursuit of their smartphones, leading officials to label it the capital’s fastest growing crime spree.

A shocking total of 28,800 iPhones were reported stolen in London over the six months between April and September this year. In addition, 56,680 mobile phones were pilfered – an average of 337 a day.

Police are now warning Londoners to be particularly alert around Tube stations, at which the number of muggings has soared by up to 400 per cent within a year.

The wave of crime has become so bad that police have been handing out leaflets

around stations where thefts have been most common. These include Clapham, Warwick Avenue, Primrose Hill, Islington, Stoke Newington and Chancery Lane.

London isn’t the only world city to be suffering from increasing numbers of smartphone snatchings – New York’s police recently announced that thefts of iPhones and iPads had rocketed by 40 per cent.

Thieves are understood to target iPhones especially – more than half of all mobile phone thefts in London involve Apple’s signature product – because they can fetch up to £400 and are sold on easily, often being shipped across to Africa or nations in the East.

Police have warned Londoners to stay alert when using their phone and not text and walk at the same time.

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

THIS WEEKEND’S CLOSURES/WORKS

CIRCLE: No service all weekend.

DISTRICT: No service between Earls Court, Edgware Road and Kensington (Olympia) all weekend.

HAMMERSMITH & CITY: No service between Hammersmith and Baker Street after 10.30pm on Sunday.

METROPOLITAN: No service between

NORTHERN: No service between Edgware and Camden Town until 0830 southbound and 0900 northbound on Sunday.

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Photos: Getty; Thinkstock

Wembley Park, Uxbridge and Northwood all weekend.

Ever wondered how hypnotism works? Fancy learning how to make your mate believe they’re a chicken next time you’re out on the town? Then get yourself along to Strictly Come Trancing on November 23 and 24, a show that promises to “go further than any other hypnotist in its quest to teach the world how hypnotism works”.

Expect the usual audience participation/humiliation, along with the chance to interact with hypnotised volunteers and learn how to do it yourself. There’s even a disco afterwards, so it might be worth sticking around to see what folks have been tricked into doing on the dancefloor ...

The event at the Misty Moon pub in Northwood (27 Green Lane, HA6 2PX) is free and runs from 9pm-midnight.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

1525 LONDON News TUBE SPACING.in6 6

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ANGLO PACIFIC SHIPPING & TAX 30th Anniversary OVER 500,000 SATISFIED CUSTOMERS HAVE ALREADY TRUSTED THEIR POSSESSIONS TO ANGLO PACIFIC, LONDON’S LEADING SHIPPERS EXCESS BAGGAGE > Free supply of tea cartons and bubble > Free delivery/collection within M25 > By sea/air/road worldwide > Money Back Guarantee HOUSEHOLD REMOVALS > Free home survey, no obligation > Packed by skilled professionals > Shared or exclusive containers > Motor car/bike specialist shippers TAX REBATES > Average refund £963 secured last year > Online Tax Pack, only 10% commission MONEY TRANSFERS > Competitive exchange rates FINANCIAL PROTECTION > Bonded by the British Association of Removers > Bonded by the Association of Tax Agents > FIDI Accredited International Mover

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‘To be or not to be,’ mused the king in The Revenger’s Tragedy at the Old Red Lion

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Thrifty theatre Taking in a show shouldn’t break the bank – find outstanding productions at London’s Off West End theatre pubs WORDS ALASDAIR MORTON The West End is world-renowned for the best and biggest shows, but also for the most pocket-stripping prices.

But going to the theatre for a play, musical or otherwise in London need not set you back your life’s savings.

While the new Spice Girls musical from Jennifer Saunders, Viva Forever, is one of the tentpoles of the winter musical calendar, seats for you and a Nineties-loving partner can set you back the best part of £100. The Bodyguard sees Whitney and Kevin’s 1993 mega-hit take to the stage, but for the best seats in town you need a pop star’s salary.

There are excellent alternatives, however, if you venture off the West End to London’s myriad theatre pubs, which are gearing up for the festive season with a wealth of more offbeat and affordable productions.

“People are learning you don’t need to spend £60 on a show to witness something special,” says Nicholas Thompson, artistic director at Islington 60-seater the Old Red Lion. “Off West End venues offer some exceptional theatre and coming [here] can be as normal as going out for a drink or to 8

the cinema. You can pop upstairs and watch an amazing performance, then grab a pint downstairs – it’s enjoyable and unpretentious.”

Among the advantages of the smaller venues is their intimacy and scope to show a greater variety of works. The Old Red Lion has the deliciously subversive Murder Before Christmas coming up, best described as a play-within-a-play, festive whodunnit comedy. Tickets are just £10. “And we also have Writers Block – Christmas Special, a showcase of new writers inspired by all things Christmas,” Thompson says. “And look out for an amazing sketch group joining us for a night after their very successful Edinburgh festival show, Beasts.”

Smaller venues and theatre pubs can also benefit from their independence from the movies-as-stage-show cycle.

“There’s more risk-taking in the work we can do, and more new work, which is the future of British theatre,” King’s Head Theatre’s Aussie-born artistic director Adam Spreadbury-Maher says.

The 118-seat King’s Head was the first theatre pub to open in London in 1970 and has 50 West End and

Broadway transfers under its belt. “Just this year we moved Tennessee Williams’ Vieux Carré and our Olivier Awardwinning La Bohème,” SpreadburyMaher says proudly. “We produce nine new theatre, musical theatre and opera productions every year. ” As well as its famed Opera Up Close productions, great for those not sure if the fat lady singing is for them, upcoming shows include Shakespeare classic Hamlet (Dec 17, tickets only £5) and a new musical, Quasimodo, in the new year. ”It’s by Lionel Bart, who wrote Oliver, and it’s the world premiere of his version of The Hunchback Of Notre Dame,” Spreadbury-Maher enthuses.

And what else is great about London’s Off West End combined pub and theatre venues? “You can take your pints in with you – in a glass,” he says. We’ll drink to that.

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MORE AFFORDABLE THEATRE ›› The Old Red Lion Theatre EC1V 4NJ Angel oldredliontheatre.co.uk The King’s Head Theatre N1 1QN Angel kingsheadtheatre.org

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GIVE LIFE TO A FAMILY THE CENTRE FOR REPRODUCTIVE AND GENETIC HEALTH Pub, theatre and a pint, what could be better?

The Centre for Reproductive and Genetic Health is one of UK’s top fertility clinics but we need the help of egg donors!

As many as one in seven couples are affected by infertility and may require assistance in starting a family.

In the past 21 years, CRGH has helped to conceive over 4,000 babies. Some of these pregnancies would not have been possible without donated eggs.

If you’re a woman between the ages of 20 and 35, who would like to help a couple in need, then please call Joy Green (Head of Nursing) on

020 7837 2905

Opera Up Close: Tosca, with no fat lady in sight

We will compensate egg donors up to £750 for their time The Centre for Reproductive & Genetic Health

info@crgh.co.uk www.crgh.co.uk Getting ‘Off’: theatre pubs host rising stars of the future

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PACK EARL’S COURT Focusing on plays and musicals, the Finborough Theatre is a renowned breeding ground for West End talent of the future. The small 50-seater above a pub in Earl’s Court has an impressive schedule, with Pack, a fiery and provocative play from Papatango New Writing Festival 2012 winner Louise Monaghan. The production tells of the BNP’s startling rise in popularity and the effects this has on a closeknit local community.

COUNT MAGNUS AND OTHER TERRORS ISLINGTON

£6+

Nov 27-Dec 22 Finborough Road, SW10 9ED West Brompton finboroughtheatre.co.uk

The Rosemary Branch, a former Victorian music hall, is a studio theatre that’s been overseen by artistic director team Cecilia and Cleo for the past 15 years. Here, four of the most chilling ghost stories from acclaimed turnof-the-century novelist and medieval scholar MR James are brought to life as oneman productions. Be afraid! £12+

WEIRDOS COMEDY CLUB PRESENTS HOOK BETHNAL GREEN Steven Spielberg’s cult hit Hook, which saw Peter Pan all grown up and played by Robin Williams back when he was still a movie star, gets an anarchic retelling at this down-to-earth, character-filled club. The cast are comedians, with John Kearns (above) as Peter ‘Shit Dad’ Pan. There are rehearsal shows in King’s Cross’s The Lion, too, and it’s all in aid of Great Ormond Street Hospital. £TBC

Jan 18-20, 8pm 2 Shepperton Road, N1 3DT Haggerston rosemarybranch.co.uk

December 17-19. Times TBC Bethnal Green Working Men’s Club, E2 ENB Bethnal Green weirdoscomedy.com

DEFRAG CAMDEN

THE SHOWSTOPPERS CHARING CROSS

A tale of love and artificial intelligence as part of the Futureshock Festival, which looks at the future role of technology.

Under the arches, Charing Cross Theatre houses 275 punters and has a diverse roster of productions from opera (La Traviata) to this creativejuice busting new musical comedy, which is created on the spot based on audience suggestions – like a singing and dancing version of Whose Line Is It Anyway?

£10+

BLOW OUT! CAMDEN

Nov 28-30, Dec 2, 4-7, 11, 12, 14-15, 7.30pm NW1 2PY Warren Street cptheatre.co.uk

PURPLE HEART NOTTING HILL

A key player in the Camden Fringe festival, this theatre pub has been pulling in the punters since 1986, seats just over 40 people and has staged more than 2500 productions.

According to upcoming house party comedy Blow Out!, the rules for a top bash are: no gatecrashers, no family, no nudity and no secrets. Predictably, most of these go out the window in an adult coming-of-age tale.

This Seventies set drama is a meditation on grief, love and guilt, and tells the story of a woman who has to move on with her life after her husband is killed in Vietnam. The UK premiere and first professional revival of American playwright Bruce Norris’s 2002 drama.

Not for if you fancy a giggle.

Nov 21-24, Nov 28-Dec 1, 7.15pm 265 Camden Town High Street, NW1 7BU Camden Town etceteratheatre.com

Feb 28-Apr 6, Mon-Sat, 7.30pm, plus Sat, 3pm W11 3HQ Notting Hill Gate gatetheatre.co.uk

£10+

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£10+

£17+

GET ALADDIN! CLAPHAM

Theatre503 hosts the debut play (right) by comedian Matthew Osborn, a British suburbia-set spin on the Stepford Wives tale.

This is panto, but not as you know it. Adult in nature, smutty in tone and gleefully alternative, this is Aladdin, his “single but experienced” mum, pursued by an evil Abanazar and a hapless Scotland Yard detective. Cue lots of reinventing of the famed tale and jokes about rubbing lascivious lady genie’s lamp the right way – absolutely filthy, frantic and unfestive fun!

Dec 4-Jan 5, Tues-Sat, 7.45pm; Sun, 5pm. No shows Dec 25-26 & Jan 1 SW11 3BW Vauxhall theatre503

December 7-Jan 6, various times Landor Theatre, SW9 9PH Clapham North landortheatre.co.uk

Nov 18-Dec 23, Sundays only, 7pm, plus Dec 16, 3pm WC2N 6NL Embankment charingcrosstheatre.co.uk

CUL-DE-SAC BATTERSEA £14

£12

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CRAZY FOR YOU HIGHGATE

GOOD MORNING, ALAMO! TURNHAM GREEN

The cosy Upstairs at the Gatehouse has won plaudits aplenty for its musical stagings, with Guys And Dolls and High Society both crowd faves. The latest classic all-American musical to get the small stage treatment is this George and Ira Gershwin classic about love, putting on one last show and the magic of the theatre. £10+

Dec 13-Jan 27, 7.30pm, plus Sat, 3pm The Gatehouse, N6 4BD Highgate upstairsatthegatehouse.com

DEAD STATIC HIGHBURY This cosy little theatre sits above the Hen and Chickens Theatre Bar on Higbury Corner and has been going for more than 25 years. With a full programme of productions there is no shortage of choice, and this sci-fi comedy – about two strangers who wake up on an interstellar ship only to bicker and feud as they face impending oblivion – is sure to delight both Red Dwarf fans and those who think SF is for virginal geeks living at home. £10

Dec 11-15, 7.30pm, plus Sat 3pm N1 2NA Highbury & Islington

HOMEWORK NEW CROSS This 50-seat theatre is a south London gem, and this tale of a mother with Alzheimer’s and her son, told through a series of phone calls, premiered last year to absolute rave reviews. £12

GRUESOME PLAYGROUND INJURIES NOTTING HILL London’s only producing theatre dedicated to international works, the Gate Theatre was founded in 1979 and seats 70. Despite the odd title of Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Rajiv Joseph’s latest, it’s not in fact a pre-teen version of Jackass.

Instead, this is an affecting, touching and true to life love story about a boy and girl who meet in the nurse’s office when they are eight years old and whose lives bisect over the course of the next 30 years.

Photos: Christopher Tribble; Richard Davenport; Steve Ullathorne

£10+

Jan 22-Feb 16, Mon-Sat, 7.30pm, plus Sat, 3pm W11 3HQ Notting HIll Gate gatetheatre.co.uk

Tabard Theatre opened above its accompanying pub in 1985.

It hosts comedy shows and is know for its theatrical productions, many of which have gone on to acclaim on larger stages. This world premiere by New York and London playwright and director Mark Giesser is a drama-satire about the truth behind the complex battle at the Alamo in Mexico, 1835.

Far from the Disney or John Wayne version and certainly not a GOP-pleasing tale of the nation’s birth. £12+

Until Dec 1, 8pm, no show Sun New Cross & Mon SE14 6TA thelondontheatre.com

SOMERSAULTS EARL’S COURT

Jan 16-Feb 9, 7.30pm 2 Bath Street, Tabard Theatre, W4 1LW Turnham Green tabardtheatre.co.uk

henandchickens.com

MR SANDMAN: BRINGER OF DREAMS AND NIGHTMARES BETHNAL GREEN Cultural centre Rich Mix is a hub of creative new talent, theatre especially. For something different this festive season, try out this performance storytelling evening by the acclaimed Ben Haggarty, which delves into the myth and legend of the infamous folklore character, Mr Sandman. £9

Dec 8, 7.30pm E1 6LA Bethnal Green richmix.org.uk

APOCALYPSO! ADVENTURES IN TIME, TRAVEL AND TIME TRAVEL HIGHBURY

The leading Scots Gaelic playwright Iain Finlay Macleod brings this new production, an English premiere – originally produced for Scotland’s National Theatre – about how language defines us, as London-living James returns home to see his terminally ill father and revisit the past.

Stage adaptation of sci-fi author Stanislaw Lem’s cult classic, made by Hollywood in 2002 starring George Clooney.

A tale that Marty McFly and the Doc themselves would be proud of sees two time travellers from the future explain to us why the Mayans were wrong, about a lot of stuff actually, and why 2013 is going to be the year that it all goes tits up for us here on planet Earth.

Jan 2-26, 7.30pm SW10 9ED West Brompton finboroughtheatre.co.uk

Until Dec 8, 7.30pm N1 6EU Old Street thecourtyard.org

Dec 21, 9.30pm N1 2NA Highbury & Islington henandchickens.com

£14+

SOLARIS ISLINGTON £16

£5

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MYLONDON

K E E P MISSING YOUR

TNT?

RYAN STANIER DIRECTOR OF THE OTHER ART FAIR What baffles me about London is that people travel on a packed Tube rather than riding a bike, taking a bus or buying a scooter.

When I want to chill out I do triyoga in Primrose Hill.

London’s best-kept secret is Ginger and White coffee shop in Belsize Park, which is run by a New Zealand couple who really know their coffee.

The most interesting person I’ve met is either Mark Westall at [online art magazine] FAD, who’s fascinating, or [arts journo] Francesca Gavin to talk to about the art world. Francesca’s one of the brightest, most interesting and positive people I’ve met. They both cut very good shapes on the dance floor!

My favourite place for a drink is The Old White Bear in Hampstead.

What gets me up in the morning is the thought of getting to the office to clear my emails before people arrive, which is kind of unhealthy. I read how in Japan they have “radio calisthenics”, where people across the country do a 15-minute exercise routine. I’d love to incorporate this into London life.

The first thing I think of in the morning is Coco Pops and coffee.

My perfect weekend is a swim in Kentish Town Sports Centre swimming pool followed by brunch at MAP Studio Cafe [Kentish Town] and a browse at the Zabludowicz Collection. In the evening I love Frank’s Cafe in Peckham.

On Sunday I enjoy Columbia Road Flower Market followed by lunch at Dock Kitchen in Ladbroke Grove, and on Sunday afternoons I like to go for a run.

The last naughty thing I did was during Frieze festival. The road running through Regent’s Park, a shortcut of mine, was closed in the evening. I ran my scooter on the pavement and unfortunately got spotted by the police.

My biggest faux pas was making a pig’s ear out of greeting people at a French wedding. Within five minutes, I kissed and hugged the grandmother, shook the bride’s hand and kissed a 12-year-old boy. I was so embarrassed.

Five words that sum up London ... Best city in the world. theotherartfair.com

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LONDONDRINKS

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THE ALEXANDRA

@tntmagazine

[Caption]

PUB THE SCENE Wimbledon’s liveliest traditional pub has been going strong for decades and is a firm favourite with Wimbledon town residents young and old, and it’s just a stone’s throw away from the main rail and Tube stations. As with a large number of pubs in southwest London, this Young’s brewery-owned joint has enough oldfashioned charm to make it stand out from its rivals – particularly in the summer, when the roof terrace is rammed with post-work drinkers hoping to catch a few rays of sunshine. DJs plays sets up there too, even during winter months, and there are weekly quiz nights and a poker night if you’re feeling lucky.

THE GRUB With the comforting promise that the kitchen “don’t pile food up in silly stacks” and “don’t mess about with tiny portions”, the food on offer is top-shelf.

There’s currently a ‘Dine and Wine’ special for £25, which includes two main courses and a bottle of vino – great value for those who don’t fancy breaking the bank for pub grub. And then there’s the friendly staff, so very little not to like.

BEHIND THE BAR Young’s stable of ales are complemented by special guest ales and microbrewery offerings. Plus they pour a decent pint of Guinness.

BILL PLEASE Pints from £3.45; glass/ bottle of wine from £3.85/ £15.20.

VERDICT Though the pub can be a victim of its own success and gets a little too packed at weekends, The Alexandra gets it all right and has a lot of charm. DT

33 Wimbledon Hill Road, SW19 7NE

3 OF THE BEST THEATRE MENUS

alexandrawimbledon.com

Charm: The Alexandra is a favourite Wimbledon local

Wimbledon

TUTTONS BRASSERIE

SOPHIE’S STEAKHOUSE

CAROM AT MEZA

Complement a night of cheap theatre (P8) with a bargain pre-theatre feed. Tuttons Brasserie in the West End offers two courses for £13.95 or three for £15.95, serving rustic fare (think chicken with bubble and squeak).

Near the Strand, this meaty and cheap treat offers a pre- and post-theatre menu, available 5-7pm and 10pmmidnight. There’s scampi and chicken for those not so keen on red meat. Two courses for £12.95 or three for £15.95.

For a seriously sweet deal, head to pan-Indian eatery Carom on Wardour Street and nab three courses for £11.95 between 5.30-7.30pm, Monday to Saturday. Add on a cocktail for £4.50 if you feel fancy.

tuttons.com

sophiessteakhouse.com

meza-soho.co.uk

Mouth watering food and crisp service in the heart of London.

Idealy situated, close to most of popular bars and clubs, for pre or after theatre dinners or business lunches.

Three dining rooms with their own bar available for private parties.

Enjoy your Christmas parties here, Bookings now being taken.

advert

14

INDIAN CUISINE

44 Firth Street, Soho London, W1D 4SB

We are tmas s n Chri open o xing day! and Bo

Tube-Tottenham Ct Road

134 Cromwell Road, Kensington, SW7 4HA

Tel.020 743 78261 Tel.020 737 07617 Tube-Gloucester Road

For more information visit:

www.delhibrasserie.com

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1525 FINAL LONDON Drink.indd 14

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BITE SIZE

Touch up: Clapton’s Princess of Wales has had a makeover

NOW BOOKING The last of the Museum of London’s cookery workshops will run in December, taking your taste buds on a historical tour of Victorian England.

The popular series has presented a rare chance for punters to prepare ancient recipes and taste ye olde dishes from eras including Roman and Georgian times. These last in the series explore 19th-century fare under the expert tutelage of food historian Annie Gray, with a cheeky Dickensian punch included. From 12-4pm on Dec 15 and 16 (Sunday session is a repeat of the Saturday session), costing £22pp.

Book to avoid missing out. museumoflondon.org.uk

MICHELIN MUNCHIES Grab cut-price gourmet grub at Marylebone’s posh Winter Garden restaurant (below) this week, as Michelin-starred chef Mark Poynton begins a three-week residency whipping up cutting-edge haute cuisine. Showcasing dishes from his Alimentum restaurant in Cambridge, you can snap up three courses for £45 or shell out £65 for the six-course tasting menu. Available Tuesday to Saturday evenings, Nov 20 until Dec 8. landmarklondon.co.uk

FREE BOOZE Join the Gin School at Charlotte’s Bistro in Chiswick on Nov 26 for a free gin masterclass and tasting session with ‘mad’ Professor Cornelius Ampleforth, the man behind Master of Malt small-batch spirits. He’ll talk you through his Bathtub Gin, which is “lightly tinted by botanicals”. The event is free and runs 6.30-8pm.

THE PRINCESS OF WALES GASTROPUB THE SCENE Despite its idyllic canalside location (ignore the fact there is a honking great road just to the side), The Princess of Wales in Clapton looked tired and in desperate need of some TLC for the most part of this year. Mercifully, the pub was smartened up this summer, with new fixtures and fittings and an improved selection of gastropub fare.

THE GRUB The menu is a mixture of Italian and traditional pub grub, with the pizza and pasta having been devised by the Pizza Pilgrims, James and Thom Elliot. To begin, I devour the antipasti plate, a mixture of peppers, olives and melt-in-themouth salami. My partner and I then have to wait a while for our first course (and wine), as two large groups overwhelm the staff with a plethora of burgers and chips. When our starters do arrive the grilled black tailed prawns in garlic butter prove fairly bland. Our mains are more successful: my chargrilled corn-fed chicken with parmentier potatoes and mushroom sauce is so tender and creamy, tears well up in my eyes when I have to admit defeat and leave some of it uneaten.

My partner chooses the meat pizza from the board, which consists of salami, peppers and mushroom. Although the toppings are a bit sparse, the base is cooked to perfection and there is plenty of tomato sauce and cheese to make up for it.

Undefeated, my partner orders the sticky toffee pudding. Served with vanilla icecream, an unusual twist of pistachio and orange rind gives the dessert a bitter tang (likely from the rind, which is avoided with some tactical manoeuvring). The service, however, is friendly throughout and they apologise for the initial long wait.

A large range of wines, local beers, stouts and whiskeys. Wines start at £15.50 a bottle. Beer from £3.75 a pint.

BILL PLEASE Starters from £4.95; mains from £6.95; desserts from £4.95.

VERDICT A great local pub, perfect for a casual meal with friends when you want your food to be that little bit more special. RUTH ROXANNE BOARD BEHIND THE BAR

charlottes.co.uk/bistro/gin-school 146 Lea Bridge Road, E5 9RB

theprincessofwalesclapton.co.uk

Clapton

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@TNT GET IT OFF YOUR TEXT

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LETTER OF THE WEEK

Robbie rant: “Too good for Take That”

Text TNT and your message to

81707*

Re: For the record: Robbie not cool enough for Radio One (TNT 1524): Sorry,

interviewed a guy for a job at work. going ok until I asked him to sum himself up in one word.

He said “really smart”

Alexander Went to work in my pyjamas the other day. BUT What’s Children in Need?

Cazza I want to pitch a new game show for the out of work former radio 1 djs called ‘Feel or no feel’. they’d win, then lose, obviously

Matt Do you know what orphans always get at Christmas?

Lonely

Brendan I will take time to vote in the police commissioner election when one of them bothers to put up a bat signal

Davo It’s like I’m the odd one out in the world. I can’t stand children

Richard I HATE pricks who hang out with their berets and lattes in the french capITal all the time.

Bloody Parisites

James

Name The snooty lady at the employment office said I should go and get me a fucking job – being a porn star is awesome!

Stuart

but Robbie Williams is an arrogant bastard! Thought he was too good for Take That, almost broke them up when he left, refused to turn up for their reunion, then whimpered at Gary Barlow’s door when the public had enough of him.

The rest of the group didn’t want him back, but Gary’s given him a platform again.

Let’s hope he’s learnt he isn’t indispensable to the pop world.

Martin Sutton, via email

I STACKED IT, TOO Re: Action in Avoriaz (TNT 1524): Ha, sucked in! It brings me joy every time I read or hear someone’s story about how they stacked in the snow. The way I see it, that bloody white stuff is nature’s booby trap and shouldn’t be messed with, but still I take it on. It’s probably because of the awesome bars and chicks that need to be warmed up who hang around near the slopes.

Maybe Morzine’s next.

Rooster, via email

Re: Snootchie bootchies, Jay and Silent Bob (TNT 1524): Loved the feature with Jason Mewes last week, he’s such an awesome dude. To have gone through what he went through and to come out the other side with his sense of humour is amazing. I saw their Get Old show in London earlier this year and it was ace – two guys shooting the shit. Two adults talking

about their dicks would have been confusing if you weren’t a fan though.

Thommy, via email

Martin wins a three-day tour of Ireland with Shamrocker shamrockeradventures.com

YOUR TWEETS

RATING SKATING Re: Roller rumble (TNT 1524): Nice one TNT for highlighting the roller derby community. I had no idea what it was before I came to the UK but it turns out everyone’s either a player or knows someone who is. If only it was on TV constantly instead of football. Sigh.

Sandy, via email

Tweet us @tntmagazine @worldwanders Re: Drunken commuter struggling on escalator at Tube station: Gotta love this guy’s dedication ... he’s really determined to beat those damn escalators, eh? @SophieFadams Re: Brain drain due to softer punishments: Well, it’s all down hill from here, we are getting dumber... great!

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BACK OFF NADS! Re: Help, I’m a politician (TNT 1524): Back off Nadine Dorries, I’d love it if she was my MP. She says what she thinks and stands up to the blokes. I hope she wins I’m A Celebrity…

Felicity, via email THANKSGIVING GUIDE /34 NYE PARTIES /66

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Aziza Al Busaidy: Re: Catholic priest blamed god for child abuse: God didn’t make him that way – his man made church and warped doctrines did. He’s a sicko.

Mégane Ellis Re: Russian granny who killed a wolf with her bare hands: Someone needs to rewrite Little Red Riding Hood.

Lennard Ramone: Re: Ibrahimovic goal: Great goal but search “Marco van Basten goal against FC Den Bosch” on You Tube.

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LONDONSOUND

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Primal performer: Castles’ Alice Glass

ALASDAIR MORTON FOR THE RECORD It’s the autumn, borderline winter, which means many things: shitty weather, irritating Christmas ads and X Factor drivel taking up primetime TV en route to, supposedly, a festive number one. For all the success mophaired muppets One Direction have enjoyed, it is refreshing to see that appearances on the show don’t necessarily mean success, quality or, in the case of Frankie Cocozza, even acknowledgement. Booted off the show last year for drugs, apparently, he has just attempted a comeback (coming back from what, we don’t know) with his debut solo single, She’s Got A Motorcycle (which we can report is unassailably naff). Reassuringly, his song missed out on the top 40 by landing at a wincingly bad 89 – behind a re-entry for No Doubt’s 1996 hit Don’t Speak. Wouldn’t it be great if this year’s winner received the same short shrift from music buyers?

It’s unlikely, but possible.

CRYSTAL CASTLES Brixton Academy SAT, NOV 24 | DOORS AT 7.30PM | £17.50

The Canadian duo were supposed to be too cool to last – a combustible, anarchic wall of noise destined for but one album alone. They proved everyone wrong though, with the follow up II embellishing their sound with more layers and pop sensibilities and this month’s III, which manages the same feat once more. It’s with this trilogy of current classics that they hit up the Academy this week.

Alice Glass and Ethan Kath are the pair behind the touring whirlwind that is the Castles. Having laid waste to festival stages across the country this summer, it is telling of their pigeonhole-dodging sound that they were equally able to take on the rock fans and metalheads of the Reading Festival, while also appealing to the urban sound-seeking hordes of east London’s Lovebox.

As combative as they are on record, live they’re a whole other proposition.

Augmented with a live drummer now, to embellish Kath’s nihilistic beats, they have become famed for their stage-slaying presence, and Glass’s performance in particular. Seemingly sporting a different coloured barnet for every tour, and frequently covered with bandages from injuries sustained by previous gigs’ exuberance, Glass is a screaming, howling enigma, prone to throwing herself in to the crowd in a seething, writhing ball of manic, uncontrolled energy.

Where electronic music’s more readily associated with dance music’s party vibes and collective euphoria, the Castles harness a brash, provocative punk attitude that couldn’t be further removed. One of this decade’s true originals.

Brixton

18

o2academybrixton.co.uk

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MENCAP LITTLE NOISE SESSIONS

NEW BAND

GIG NOV 19-25. 7PM £27.50

Six nights of quality music for the charity that supports people with learning difficulties. Gary Barlow and Olly Murs bring a pop element to the first two nights, Richard Hawley and The Maccabees follow, then nu-folksters Noah and the Whale (right) play the penultimate night while Amy Macdonald closes the week in style.

St John-at-Hackney Church Hackney Lower Clapton Road, E5 0PD Central littlenoisesessions.org.uk

CONNECTED

ASTRAL CIRCUS

CLUB

CLUB

SAT, NOV 24. 10PM-6AM £12+

FRI, NOV 23. 10PM-6AM £10+

Tech-house superstar Robert Dietz, who favours analogue kit for real organic sounds, headlines the Connected bunch’s latest party. He’ll be joined by a heap of artists from rising Leeds deep house and nu-disco label Love Not Money Records, including label head Luke Pompey with Kezla, Real Nice, Mark Derry and Ricky Torres.

Audio and visual artists collaborate at this psytrance “multi-dimensional event” that organisers say “provides a perfect environment to immerse the senses and stimulate the mind”. Four-piece OOOD headline, supported by Journey and Tantrix live, with trance legend Nick Sentience, Nikki S and PsiBindi, too. Out of this world.

Cable 33 Bermondsey Street, SE1 2EG London Bridge cable-london.com

Jamm 261 Brixton Road, SW9 6LH Brixton astralcircus.net

SHIELDS THE BUZZ SO FAR The Geordie altpopsters have toured with the likes of Neon Indian and The Naked and Famous, and have made a name for themselves already with their incredibly catchy, danceable and infectious synth-pop tuneage. The five-piece’s outstanding debut EP, Kaleidoscope, features five of their delights as well as the group’s own take on SBTRKT’s hit Pharaohs as a bonus track. They’ve also made a massively quirky and impossiblenot-to-love sock puppet video for single Mezzanine.

THE CRITICS SAY “A big clomping synth spectacular that’s reminiscent of a sunnier Everything Everything” The Guardian THE PLUG

Kaleidoscope is out Nov 19 through Riverman Records

Photos: Getty

behindshields.com

ALANIS MORISSETTE

KITSUNÉ WINTER PARTY

THE FEELERS

GIG

CLUB

GIG

WED, NOV 28. 6.30PM £35+

SAT, NOV 24. 10PM-5AM £12.50+

WED, NOV 21. 7PM £10

As Ed Byrne once noted, the only thing ironic about Alanis’s hit song of the same name and its wayward lyrical interpretation of irony, was that it was written by someone with no understanding of what irony is at all. She’s still big business though, and in town to support her Havoc And Bright Lights LP.

The fashion and record label celebrates both the release of their latest compilation, Kitsune Maison 14 – The Absinthe Edition, and the festive season with this winter bash. French electronic pioneer Etienne De Crecy headlines, along with the producer Fred Falke, DFA’s Nancy Wang, Logo, Punks Jump Up (above) and more.

The Kiwi soft rockers have been around since the early Nineties and have lived through alt-rock’s arrival, its dismissal and return. Asked upon the release of their The Best: ‘98-’08 in 2008, whether they’d be around in 10 years, vocalist and guitarist James Reid replied, “Easily!” They play Camden’s Dingwalls on Thursday, too.

The O2 Peninsula Square, SE10 0DX North Greenwich theo2.co.uk

Fire South Lambeth Road, SW8 1RT Vauxhall firelondon.net

Walkabout 56 Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8QE Shepherd’s Bush walkabout.eu.com

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1525 FINAL Lon Sound.indd 19

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CLUBLISTINGS

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MONDAY 19 Absolute By Aquila R‘n’B, house, hip-hop and dubstep courtesy of resident DJs. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867).

7.30pm-1.30am. £5 guestlist.

Entail Records Presents Robert Babicz, Adapter and Malandra JR spin house and techno. Crucifix, Crucifix Ln, SE1 3JW. See www.residentadvisor.net for details, 11pm-6am. £10-£20.

BOOK NOW!

Hexstatic’s Holotronica in 3D Electronica and audio-visual sets courtesy of Hexstatic, Addictive TV, Lumen, Origamibiro, Urban Knights and Keep Up! Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). 9pm-4am. Adv £17.50.

Anthem Resident DJs play punk, rock, indie, emo and pop.

The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, w/ flyer £3, guestlist £2, £1 before 11pm.

I Love Pacha Presents Vegas Baby Bam Bam and James McLaughlin spin electro, house and dance, while Abstract Sounds play experimental and progressive pop.

Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR (0845 371 4489). 11pm-late. £12.

Frenchkiss Resident DJs play soul, reggae, R‘n’B, hip-hop, funky house and dance. Storm, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7LE (020 7839 2633).

10.30pm-2am. Guestlist free.

Glamorous Afterparty Deep house and electro courtesy of DJs Kaos Kid, Marlon K and Francko Harris. Covert, Albert Embankment, SE1 7TP (020 7820 6757).

5am-11am. £7, w/flyer £6.

Hoxton Ukulele Hootenanny Resident DJs play Ukulele inspired music, plus live performances.

The Queen Of Hoxton, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3JX (020 7422 0958).

7.30pm-midnight. £20.

Monday Madness DJs Bruno and Jimmy Jam spin pop and carnival classics. Walkabout, Temple, Temple Place, WC2R 2PH (020 7054 8033). 8pm-midnight. £5.

Stampede DJ Laurence Rene spins pop-punk, alternative, rock and ska, with hosts Oli Sandler and Matt Boland. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040).

9pm-3am. £5, £3 before 1am, £1 before 11am, free before 10pm.

TUESDAY 20 Balearic Resident DJs spin deep, vocal and Balearic house to evoke the spirit of Ibiza.

The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988).

10pm-3am. £5, guestlist free.

Bossa Nova Disco Resident DJs spin Brazilian jazz music.

Guanabara, Parker St, WC2B 5PW (020 7242 8600). 5pm-late. Free.

F.I.S.H. Resident DJs play house, disco and minimal techno. Covert, Albert Embankment, SE1 7TP (020 7820 6757). 11pmlate. £8, w/flyer £5 before 1am.

Guanabara Presents DJ Bruno C spins rock, Latin and classics from the 1980s.

Guanabara, Parker St, WC2B 5PW (020 7242 8600). 5pm-late. Free.

Juicy Resident DJs and guests spin hip-hop, bashment and R‘n’B classics. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867).

7.30pm-1.30am. £3, £1 before 10pm.

Panic Max Panic, Gaz Panic and That Perfect Fumble spin indie, electro, retro and pop.

The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, guestlist w/flyer free before 10.30pm.

Pink Tuesdays Freight Train spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, soul, funk and electro. Mother Bar, Old St, EC1V 9LE (020 7739 5949). 10pm-3am. Free.

20

EASTERN ELECTRICS NYE Coronet Theatre. Dec 31. £20+ Miguel Campbell, Shonky (above), Joy Orbison, Eats Everything, Huxley and more line up for this esteemed, hedonism-tastic new year’s bash.

SE1 6JT

Elephant & Castle

WEDNESDAY 21 Akira DJs play folk, rock, indie and electronica. The Old Queen’s Head, Essex Rd, N1 8LN (020 7354 9993). 7.30pm-1am. £5.

Cheapskates In-house DJs and guests supply indie, electro and old-school vibes.

Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/cc 020 7287 3727).

9pm-3.30am. w/flyer £4.50.

Factory Afterparty Resident DJs play house, nu-disco, electro and techno. Covert, Albert Embankment, SE1 7TP (020 7820 6757).

1am-8am. £6, w/flyer £4.

Flaming Presents Amp + Deck spin disco, house and Balearic.

The Book Club, Leonard St, EC2A 4RH (020 7684 8618). 7pm11.30pm-late. £5, adv £3.50.

Floripa’s First Birthday: Shea Seger, We Are Knights, Eri Okin, Shea Soul DJs Scarlett Etienne, Mark Rae and Rob Coley spin samba, baile funk, and modern disco beats. Floripa, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HZ (020 7613 4228). 9pm-late. Free.

Haus Up-and-coming and established underground DJs spin dance, with live performances. Vibe Bar, Brick Ln, E1 6QL (020 7247 3479).

6.30pm-11.30pm. Free.

Les Femmes Sur Le Ponte House and dance music courtesy of resident female DJs. Bar Vinyl, Inverness St, NW1 7HJ (020 7291 5380). 8pm-midnight. Free.

Metrolatina Resident DJs mix jazzy salsa with Cuban sounds.

Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 9.30pm2am. £4, free before 9pm.

Smile Resident DJs play funky house, club classics and pop. Thirst, Greek St, W1D 3DR (020 7437 1977).

5pm-3am. £4, £3 before midnight.

Wednesday Hutch spins 1980s pop and rock. With a live performance from Mullet’s Mullet. 93 Feet East, Brick Ln, E1 6RU (020 7770 6006). 6.30pm-11pm. £10.

easternelectrics.com

THURSDAY 22 Chess Club Records DJs White Lies, James Yuill, II Figures and residents spin indie music, with a live performance from Post War Years. The Queen Of Hoxton, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3JX (020 7422 0958). 7.30pm-2am. Free.

Don’t Flop DJ Mr Cosmo and DJ BB spin hip-hop, R‘n’B and urban, with a live performance from Micall Parknsun and rap from Jai90, Youthoracle, Micky Worthless, Big J, J-Smug and Mr Tongue Twister. Ginglik, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8PH (020 8749 2310).

8.30pm-1am. £5 guestlist, mems free.

Faded Cable, Semo, Rory and Jam Masters spin hip-hop, drum ‘n’ bass, dubstep and house.

The Rhythm Factory, Whitechapel Rd, E1 1EW (020 7375 3774).

10pm-3am. £8, £5 before 11pm.

Hidden Depths Of Rinse Zinc celebrates two decades of UK bass culture, melding garage, house and grime with support from Trim, Brackles, Faze Miyake and Tippa.

Concrete, Shoreditch High St, E1 6JJ (020 7729 1888). 8pm-1am. Adv £5.

I Love FWD: T Williams Launch Party DJ Williams and guests spin house.

Plastic People, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3QE (020 7739 6471). 9.30pm-2am. £7.

Love Present DJs Rob Bailey and Chris Dale spin 1960s club soul, ska, Motown, R‘n’B and boogaloo. Orleans, Seven Sisters Rd, N4 2HZ (020 7281 8482). 10pmlate. £5, free before midnight.

Underdog Kris Harris and DJ Valente spin house in the main room, while Hidden.Outside.The.Box play indie, electronic, dance and nu-disco in the Global Room. Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR (0845 371 4489).

10pm-late. £7, adv £5.

FRIDAY 23 Astral Circus Psychedelic trance and techno courtesy of OOOD, Journey, Tantrix, Nick Sentience, PsiBindi and Mouldy Soul. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/cc 020 7274 5537).

10pm-6am. Adv £5 & £10.

Phonica 9th Birthday House, techno and electronica courtesy of Omar S, Ivan Smagghe, Bicep and Phonica DJs. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). 9pm-3am. £12.50.

Power Of The Trinity Dub, roots and reggae courtesy of Kibir La Amlak Soundsystem featuring JT and Stamina Li, Instrument Of Jah and AbaShanti-I. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). 10pm-6am. £12.

Soulberries Resident DJs and guests spin indie classics and old skool. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

The Upfront Project & Soundcrash Presents Machinedrum, Ambassadeurs and Memory9 spin hip-hop, psychedelic, R‘n’B and electronic. The LightBox, South Lambeth Place, SW8 1SP (020 7434 1113). 10pm-6am. £12.50.

X- Side Music Hip-hop courtesy of Peja And DJ Decks, Slums Attack and Gandzior.

The Rhythm Factory, Whitechapel Rd, E1 1EW (020 7375 3774).

8pm-late. £20, adv £17.

SATURDAY 24

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Connected Robert Dietz, Us And Them, Ellesse, Jesse James, Johnny Bloomfield, Kreature, Figure of Two, Kolo, Dyze, Danny Lawson, Luke Jeffery and Michael Scullion spin deep house and nu-disco.

Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730). 10pm-6am. £20, adv £15, early bird/NUS/mems £12.

Hed Kandi - The Mix 2013 Official Album Launch Party John Jones and Carl Hanaghan spin funky house, disco, dance and pop in the main room, while the Global Room welcomes Dolly Rockers, House Chimps, Love Fever, Jamie B & Sniper and Lady Mercury. Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR (0845 371 4489).

11pm-6am. £20, adv £15.

London Basque Solidarity Sound System Presents Resident DJs and guests play rock, heavy metal and traditional Basque music. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/cc 020 7274 5537).

Noon-midnight. £30, adv £25.

Mega Spanish Fancy Dress Party Resident DJs play popular Spanish indie, pop and Britpop.

The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/cc 0844 477 1000).

10pm-6am. £12, £10 guestlist, adv £8.

Shoreditch Soul House, funk and soul courtesy of DJs Mucho Soul, Phil Levene, Lee Phillips, Eray, Paul P, Soulmaster T and Tony Lee. Charlie Wright’s International Bar, Pitfield St, N1 6EN (020 7490 8345). 9pm-4am. £10, £5 before 11pm, free before 10.30pm.

Size Matters DJs AN21 And Max Vangeli, Qulinez, Tim Mason, Wayne And Woods, Patrick Hagenaar, Shane Kehoe, Lee Game, Tad DV and Freddie Laws spin house, trance and electro. The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010). 11pm-7am. £20.

What Matters Pre Party DJs spin electronic dance music.

Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

SUNDAY 25

Antidote Presents Hot Since 82, DubGraffiti, Yiannis Balkizas, Michael L Penman and Dave Coleman spin house. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440).

7pm-5am. £15, free before 9pm.

Channel One Resident DJs spin dub, drum ‘n’ bass and reggae.

Vibe Bar, Brick Ln, E1 6QL (020 7247 3479). 5pm-11.30pm. £5.

Bodymove DJs Sebastien Leger and Jay Lumen spin house and techno records. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 10pm11am. £20, NUS/mems/Adv £15.

Get Low Presents UK funky, garage, dubstep, house, moombahton and dancehall courtesy of NYTA and Ben Pearce.

The Lock Tavern, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AJ (020 7482 7163). 3pm-late. Free.

Cat Lovers Last Japan, Shadow Child, Georgie Rogers and residents spin house, garage and drum ‘n’ bass, with live performances from Two Inch Punch and Trophys.

The Queen Of Hoxton, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3JX (020 7422 0958). 8pm4am. £7, NUS £5 before 9pm.

Krankbrother & Air London Presents 5 Years Of Cecille Minimal house and techno from co-founder Nick Curly, Sascha Dive, Daniel Stefanik, Matthias Meyer and Krankbrothers. Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). 2pm-midnight. £10.

CLR Warehouse Party Chris Liebing, Monoloc, DJ Emerson and Billy Allen spin electro and techno in Arch One and Two, while Chris Stanford, Gareth Wild, Dax J and Ashley Borg play house and techno in Arch Three, plus live sets from Terence Fixmer and Brian Sanhaji. The Sidings, Southwark St, SE1 1RU (020 7403 9643). 10pm-6am. £20-£25.

Stonebridge The award-winning DJ and producer spins house and dance. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 2pm-late. Free.

WetYourSelf! Enzo Tedeschi, Diego CK Family and Peter Pixzel spin house and techno. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898).

11pm-6am. £10, NUS/mems £7.

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MONDAY 19

SATURDAY 24

Gary Barlow The singer-songwriter and X Factor judge, who gained fame as a member of the charttopping boyband Take That, performs pop and soft rock hits spanning his entire musical career. St John At Hackney Church, Lower Clapton Rd, E5 0PD (020 8985 5374). £35.

Renara Akhoundova The singer and musician from Azerbaijan performs an eclectic medley of classical, modern pop and world music. Pushkin House, Bloomsbury Sq, WC1A 2TA (020 7269 9770). £20, concs £15.

Hundred Reasons, Hell Is For Heroes, Cable The alt rock and post-hardcore four-piece from Hampshire plays its debut album Ideas Above Our Station in its entirety. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). Adv £17.50.

Gong, Enochian Theory Psychedelic and prog-rock by the veteran Franco/British band from the Planet Gong. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £20.

Levellers, Citizen Fish The folk-punk stalwarts perform material from the album Static On The Airwaves. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £25.

Sarah McQuaid The Spanish-born singer-songwriter and guitarist plays traditional tunes alongside contemporary songs. The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £10, adv £8.

Rahsaan Patterson The singersongwriter, producer and actor, from The Bronx performs R‘n’B, soul and hip-hop. The Jazz Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7PG (020 7485 6834/ cc 0870 060 3777). £26.50.

Sea Of Bees, Barbarossa Sacramento-born singersongwriter Julie Ann Baenziger plays folk-rock, indie and bluespop with light, melodic vocals.

Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). Adv £11.

The Staves, Luke Sital-Singh Light and ethereal folk-rock from the London-based threepiece. Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). £12.

TUESDAY 20 Band Of Horses, Goldheart Assembly Indie-rock from the South Carolina-based five-piece.

HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £22.50.

First Aid Kit, Idiot Wind Folk-pop and Americana by the Stockholmbased twosome in support of the album The Lion’s Roar. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £15.

Gentleman’s Dub Club A blend of dub, dubstep, electronica and reggae fusion from the Leeds-based collective to promote its debut album Open Your Eyes. Hoxton Square Bar And Kitchen, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7613 0709). Adv £12.

I Am Kloot The Manchesterbased three-piece, led by singer-songwriter and guitarist John Bramwell, plays alternative pop and indie-rock.

Islington Town Hall, Upper St, N1 2UD (020 7527 2000). £20.

Olly Murs, Lawson, The Loveable Rogues The pop singer from Essex performs songs from his album In Case You Didn’t Know. St John At Hackney Church, Lower Clapton Rd, E5 0PD (020 8985 5374). £35.

Passion Pit, Chad Valley, Churches The band from Massachusetts, led by singer-songwriter Michael Angelakos, performs synthladen electro-pop and indierock. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). £16.

London Remixed Festival A one-day pop, rock folk and world event. Artists appearing include Ska Cubano, Molotov Jukebox, Monster Ceilidh Band, Gypsy Hill, Los Chinches and Wara Afriquoi. Various Venues Shoreditch, Brick Ln, E1 6QL (07909 901 322). Wristband £10.

The Spinto Band, Casablanca The American five-piece plays indierock to promote its third album Shy Pursuit. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £15.

WEDNESDAY 21.

Matt Corby The Australian singersongwriter and musician performs raw melodic acoustica, yearning folk and soulful blues. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). Adv £10.

Emily Barker & The Red Clay Halo, Chris T-T, Jonny Kearney & Lucy Farrell The Australian singer-songwriter leads her contemporary folk outfit.

Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). Adv £12.

Richard Hawley The singersongwriter plays alternative pop and country from his album Standing At The Sky’s Edge. St John At Hackney Church, Lower Clapton Rd, E5 0PD (020 8985 5374). £25.

Cerys Matthews Folk-pop and blues from the Cardiff-born singer and former Catatonia frontwoman who performs in English and Welsh.

The Hippodrome Casino, Cranbourn St, WC2H 7AJ (0844 248 5144).

Also Thu to Sat, £27.50-£35.

The Stylistics Seventies soul from the veteran Philadelphiabased band, whose hits include Stop, Look, Listen (To Your Heart), You Are Everything and You Make Me Feel Brand New. IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). £21-£40.

Mike Tramp The Danish singersongwriter, born Michael Trempenau and best known for his work with White Lion and Freak Of Nature, performs glam metal and hard rock with his backing band.

The Star Of Kings, York Way, N1 0AX (020 7278 9708). Adv £15.

THURSDAY 22 The Coronas Indie-rock band from Dublin. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777 /cc 0844 847 1678). £10.

The Dandy Warhols Courtney Taylor-Taylor and his American band plays alternative rock and neo-psychedelia to promote its album This Machine. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). £24.50.

Dark Tranquillity, Keep Of Kalessin, Warbringer, Dawn Heist, Reign Of The Architect The Swedish six-piece band plays hard rock, metal and melodica. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £17.

Father John Misty The American singer-songwriter Joshua Tillman, former member of the band Fleet Foxes, plays folk. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £12.

The Feelers The award-winning four-piece from Christchurch, New Zealand plays soft rock.

Dingwalls, Camden Lock, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AB (020 7428 0010/ cc 020 7428 5929). Adv £12.

FRIDAY 23 Joan Armatrading, Chris Wood The veteran Grammy Award-winning singer-songwriter plays her acoustic pop-rock hits including Love And Affection and Drop The Pilot alongside new songs to promote her album Starlight.

IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). Also Sat, £20-£45.

Feeder The Platinum-selling trio plays uplifting rock from its album Generation Freakshow.

O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000/ cc 0844 477 2000). £23.

Billy Lunn Rock ‘n’ roll courtesy of the musician and vocalist from The Subways. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/ cc 020 7274 5537). £13, adv £11.50.

The Maccabees The Brightonformed indie outfit performs rock-pop with twinkling guitar riffs from their Mercury Prizenominated album, Given To The Wild. St John At Hackney Church, Lower Clapton Rd, E5 0PD (020 8985 5374). £35.

Tanita Tikaram The singersongwriter and musician from Germany plays pop and folk to promote the album Can’t Go Back.

Cadogan Hall, Sloane Terrace, SW1X 9DQ (020 7730 4500). £20 & £25.

Milapfest: The Great British Gharana Showcase of British Indian classical music featuring performances from Roopa Panesar, Akash Patel and many more.

Southbank Centre, Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX (0151 707 1111/cc 0844 875 0073). £10 & £12, concs £5 & £6.

Turbonegro The Norwegian band plays hard rock and punk in support of the album Sexual Harassment. Electric Ballroom, Camden High St, NW1 8QP (020 7485 9006). £15.

Nour Festival: Emel Mathlouthi Politically-charged world-folk music from the Tunisian-born singer-songwriter. The Tabernacle, Powis Sq, off Portobello Rd, W11 2AY (020 7221 9700). £12, adv £10.

Robbie Williams Pop by the original member of Take That, born in Stoke-on-Trent and now with a well-established career as a solo artist. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202).

Also Fri & Sat, £50-£90.

Harry Shearer The Los Angelesbased musician, and voice artist for The Simpson’s, performs his award-nominated comical pop and rock music.

Under The Bridge, Fulham Rd, SW6 1HS (020 7957 8261). £20-£40.

Noah And The Whale, Villagers, Lucy Rose The five-piece, Tickenham-founded indie-outfit plays pop-rock and bluegrass infused nu-folk, from their three studio albums including the track, L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. St John At Hackney Church, Lower Clapton Rd, E5 0PD (020 8985 5374). £25.

Sham 69, Menace, Phobics Jimmy Pursey re-forms the veteran punk band to play their hits. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £15.

SUNDAY 25 Bengal To Bethnal Green Londonbased world music ensemble Grand Union Orchestra presents a celebration of Bengali music and arts. Rich Mix, Bethnal Green Rd, E1 6LA (020 7613 7498). Free.

Ramin Karimloo Showtunes and easy listing from the Londonbased singer and West End star.

229 The Venue, Great Portland St, W1W 5PW (020 7323 7229). £25.

Amy MacDonald, Sinead O’Connor The singer-songwriter plays pop-rock and folk-rock in support of her album Life In A Beautiful Light. St John At Hackney Church, Lower Clapton Rd, E5 0PD (020 8985 5374). £35.

The Rolling Stones The veteran band, featuring original members singer Mick Jagger and guitarist Keith Richards, celebrates 50 years since its formation in London by playing its hits including Jumpin’ Jack Flash and Brown Sugar.

The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £95-£375.

Bobby Womack, Damon Albarn, Richard Russell The American singer-songwriter and musician plays soul and R‘n’B in support of his album The Bravest Man In The Universe. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). £27.50 & £32.50.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Rawk: Patty Schemel today 24

[Caption]

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Miss rock ‘n’ roll survivor Hole drummer Patty Schemel lived through it all – drink, drugs and death – as new music documentary Hit So Hard reveals WORDS ALASDAIR MORTON

Rock ‘n’ roll has had its fair share of casualties, not least the exclusive Club 27, including such famed and tortured souls as Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix, who both died three years shy of their 30th birthday. Hole drummer Patty Schemel, who was part of one of the Nineties’ biggest bands at the epicentre of the alt-rock explosion, came within a breath of joining these ranks. A new documentary, Hit So Hard, tells of how she brushed close to death but dodged its icy embrace to emerge as one of rock’s true survivors.

Schemel joined Courtney Love’s Hole in 1992, playing on their seminal Live Through This album, touring the world, and riding the roller coaster of success and excess that the band enjoyed. This time, though, was also fraught with tragedy as overdoses and suicides gave rock ‘n’ roll’s customary decadence darker, more personal shades.

Schemel’s own demons threatened to take her the same way, as she went from touring the world, playing to hundreds of thousands of fans, to winding up a junkie on the streets.

Hit So Hard came about when Schemel contacted a filmmaker friend about old video footage she’d shot during the band’s ill-fated 1994 world tour, worried it would disintegrate. “I hadn’t seen it in years and had forgotten most of it,” Schemel tells us. ”It was like a weird time machine going back to some of those days.”

This footage birthed the movie, a document of Schemel’s experiences, framed by the larger picture of Nirvana and altrock’s flannel-shirted global takeover. Where Cobain’s crew, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden dominated the scene, Hole stood out – a female band (save for guitarist Eric Erlandson) with a feminist riposte to rock’s ‘men-only’ predominance.

“I saw a drummer play at school and thought it looked cool,” Schemel remembers of the initial lure of getting behind the kit. “It was a physical thing, which suited me. And it was an instrument that I didn’t see a lot of women playing, so I was just drawn to it.” Indeed, her striving to subvert the norm saw her feted on the cover of Drum World magazine in 1995, the first woman to be so celebrated.

Hole’s first album, Pretty On The Inside, had won them a small fanbase, but follow up Live Through This exploded. Yet their time at the top was not a happy one.

“It was a strange and skewed time because of the fact that Courtney was married to Kurt, which was something that had its own life, and we constantly had to battle against

it,” Schemel says. “There was never any balance between our music and Courtney. I never really thought the band would be successful or would get beyond her success as ‘the wife’.”

As the band’s fame grew, Courtney’s combustibility took centre stage, with Hole becoming notorious for their wild performances. Schemel’s initial dalliances with illegal substances began to run riot, too. She’d had her first drink at

“

Not a lot of women played the drums

”

12, the first step on a predictable path, starting with one-off experiments, and growing through weekend-only dabbles and every other day indulgences, en route to becoming a fullon addict. Several attempts at rehab followed, but none took.

“There were a lot of times where I was in and out of ››

Kurt Cobain, his daughter Frances Bean and Schemel TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Clockwise: Schemel; live in the Nineties; Hole together at Hit So Hard’s premiere; extrovert Love in a scene from the movie

rehab,” Schemel explains. “I’d get clean to go out on the road with the band and then go back [on the drugs] when we got back. There were interventions – Courtney even had a catered intervention one day. I showed up and there was tea and sandwiches!”

Despite their narcotic-fuelled lives, Hole’s success continued to soar, but their crowning moment was halted by the events of 1994 – the suicide of her close friend Kurt Cobain and the death two months later of Hole bassist and fellow heroin-chic grunge poster girl, Kristen Pfaff.

“We all just continued,” Schemel recalls. “My thoughts were: ‘we have this record and we have to tour it’, so we threw ourselves into it. But feelings still creep out, and there were times when we would break down.

“There was a moment on that tour in Paris when this boy with a fanzine in his hand came up to us. He was saying something in French and gave it to me. Later that night I got Melissa [Auf der Maur, French-Canadian bassist who replaced Pfaff] to read it to me. It was an interview with Kurt, because during Nirvana’s In Utero tour he only did fanzine interviews.

The boy had asked about Courtney and Kurt said: ‘I won’t talk about my wife, but she is recording right now and she has this great new drummer – it’s going to sound amazing.’

Mel and I looked at each other – it was like a message from time and space. It was important to read and hear that.”

The band soldiered on and saw it to the other side. More importantly, Schemel got clean, but difficult recording sessions for the Live ... follow up, Celebrity Skin, saw her ousted from the group. Schemel took it to heart, and the emotional betrayal she felt, in part, fuelled her return to drugs, which saw her wind up, strung out, on the streets.

That was until a single incident shook her from her stupor 26

and helped her turn her life around.

“I was so distant from everything, but then there was this one moment when I was on the street looking through this church window. I saw a drum kit and I had this moment of clarity, like, ‘I am a drummer’. And I pulled myself out of it.”

Today, Schemel plays with several bands and is happily married to Christina Soletti, with a two-year-old daughter.

“

I saw a kit and had a moment of clarity

”

She also runs a dogboarding business and mentors at the Rock n’ Roll Camp For Girls in LA. A reunion earlier this year of Hole’s classic line-up saw them play a short two-song, 15-minute set at Public Assembly in New York for the Hit So Hard release after party, and murmurs of a full time reunion are never far from people’s lips. There is one thing that riles Schemel, though.

“I am from the school of punk rock ethics,” she says.

“Whenever there’s too much of something, something else comes along and knocks it down. I see a lot of women coming up in electronic music now, as you didn’t used to see a lot of female knob-twiddlers before, so that’s cool. It would be good to see someone playing their guitar and drums again, though.” ❚ Hit So Hard – The Life And Near Death Story Of Patty Schemel is out theatrically Nov 16 and on DVD Nov 26 through Peccadillo Pictures.

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Harry Shearer The Simpsons and Spinal Tap star on his new album, Can’t Take A Hint, courgettes and fooling Liam Gallagher INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON

How did album Can’t Take A Hint start?

I’d done three albums before, all Grammy nominated of course, hence the name of the record. But for the last couple of years I had been doing a very serious project, a documentary, The Big Uneasy, about why New Orleans flooded in 2005. After going round the country with the film for half of last year, I wanted to get back to doing something fun and funny.

There are a lot of guests on the album, how did that come about?

It was people I knew in various ways: (Glee’s) Jane Lynch, who I’d worked with on A Mighty Wind and For Your Consideration; Dr John I had known through my residence in New Orleans; and I’ve been a Fountains Of Wayne fan for a long time.

Why not have the same single topic approach as before?

I didn’t feel there was one particular topic that deserved writing a bunch of songs for. And I liked these ones and thought I am entitled to do this kind of record too. Most of these songs can be understood as character sketches – the record’s alternate name was Landscape Mode And Portrait Mode.

Photos: Dan Dion

How do you avoid celebrity culture pitfalls, as on Celebrity Booze Endorser?

You should be with me when I am on a red carpet because you’d see what a non-celebrity I am. I have been in these situations since I was a kid so I have figured it out: fame’s only use is if you have just enough to do the projects that you want to do – everything else is bullshit. I was at a Superbowl game a couple of years ago and Brad Pitt was there. He’s a lovely guy but to get out at the end of the game we had to be surrounded by a four-layered security bubble. But we got trapped at the bottom of the lift when we got entangled with another movie star’s multi-layered bubble.

Do you prefer music projects?

There is no better hang than musicians, it is an indisputable fact. A few years ago, we did Glastonbury as Spinal Tap and a tour as ourselves, we had made another record and Tap had, too, and I looked back at the end of the year

Harry Shearer: Grammy hunter and thought I had done nothing but music and had never been happier.

There are some more serious songs, though …

There’s a strong piece (Deaf Boys) about a subset of paedophile priests. There was one in Milwaukee, who died a few years back, who’d molested more than 200 deaf boys. The same week he died there was a story about an Italian priest, too. It would be very easy to write a song from outside denunciating that guy but I was intrigued about writing from that character’s point of view. And Like A Charity is about someone very famous that we know who’s gone down to Africa and made huge promises to people of a certain country and then got away with a number of their children.

Were you glad to have the elections over and done with?

Have you ever had to take a really huge dump? It was that kind of relief. It was like wrestling, there are two guys in the ring berating each other about how horrible the other guy is but they both get the pay cheque from the same person at the end of the day. Like when you buy a car, people aren’t concerned about how they are going to get somewhere, it is a statement about who they are and that is voting in the States. It is a lifestyle choice.

Do you feel optimistic about the future?

There were so many areas where the two guys agreed – they both agreed on cutting social security, but not until after the election! – and they both said nothing about climate change.

Does that mean you’re passionate about climate change?

It is kind of a big issue in New Orleans, and New York has experienced something different recently. It’s about trying to get it in to the public’s consciousness despite the best efforts of the political system to ignore it.

Who’s your favourite character to play?

Derek Smalls, without a doubt (Shearer’s record label is called Courgette Records as homage to Spinal Tap’s bassist’s famous vegetable trouser stuffing airport encounter in This Is Spinal Tap).

Did you find it funny Liam Gallagher supposedly thought the band were real?

It is the greatest compliment. We set out to make a movie that got it right. But there were so many obstacles, if just one had proved more effective the film would never have seen a theatre.

Can’t Take A Hint is out now via Courgette Records. Plays Under The Bridge, Nov 23. £20 SW6 1HS underthebridge.co.uk Fulham Broadway

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Lawrence and Cooper in gym gear, still perfect … bastards

SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK FILM review by Alasdair Morton STARRING: Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence | 15 | 121mins | Released Nov 21

END OF WATCH FILM STARRING: Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael Pena, Anna Kendrick | 15 | 108mins

David Ayer is the man behind five films about cops and criminals, four of them LA-set. So his latest, starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Pena as two rookie cops in the City of Angels who piss off a nasty local drug cartel so much they find themselves marked men, is hardly a new subject for him.

Let’s hope it’s more like his Training Day than The Fast And The Furious.

On general release from Nov 23

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David O Russell’s follow-up to the double Oscar winning The Fighter mines similar territory – familial drama shot with a realistic, organic touch and no shortage of humour – and is equally as deserving of golden baldie plaudits.

Written before The Fighter, it follows Bradley Cooper’s Pat, a school teacher who moves back in with his parents after an eight-month stint in a mental institution, and his blossoming relationship with Jennifer Lawrence’s Tiffany, a family friend who empathises with his anxieties – she has plenty of her own.

Russell has become a chronicler of dysfunctional families, and in Playbook he creates a corker, with Pat’s gambler father (Robert De Niro) and his well-meaning but misguided mother (reliably superb Aussie Jacki Weaver). He finds humour in the everyday and relationships’ complexity, and expertly finds a tone that is observant and compassionate – he’s empathetic rather than just sympathetic. He again opts for an approach, both in performance and direction, that is both realistic and energetic, and keeps the focus on the story while maintaining a swift pace.

As much as it is a story about mental illness and families finding one another, it is also a warming love story, and features a raft of sterling performances.

Cooper makes Pat engaging when he could come off as frustratingly neurotic, Lawrence shows why she is the hottest young star out there and De Niro gives his best performance in years. Even Chris Tucker, as Pat’s mate from the clinic, plays a comedic supporting role that is moving and really very funny. A stand-out.

GOOD FOR: A comedy-drama crowd pleaser with heart, humour and, above all, soul.

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COMEDY

In aid of the Friends Of The Earth charity, this comedy benefit stars the esteemed talents of Stewart Lee (right), irony-fan Ed Byrne, cock-fan Richard Herring, Edinburgh complaint letterwriter Danny Bhoy, Canadian wild man Tony Law and music from beatboxing star Beardy Man. Think of the cuddly polar bears for god’s sake.

Hammersmith Apollo 45 Queen Caroline Street, W6 9QH. Nov 22. £25+ Hammersmith foe.co.uk/events

BY ROYAL APPOINTMENT

DADDY LONG LEGS

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

What could be more fitting to see out the end of this year than an exhibition which simultaneously celebrates both the Queen’s style and elegance, and that of British fashion in general? The sumptuous couture of royal designers to Her Maj, Norman Hartnell, Hardy Amies, and Frederick Fox are given centre stage.

Managing to stay just the right side of saccharine, this likeable small-scale 2009 musical-romance arrives in London with the original American cast of two intact. Based on Jean Webster’s century-old epistolary novel, it exudes period charm, lightly spiced by heroine Jerusha Abbott’s independence of spirit. LK

Fashion and Textile Museum 83 Bermondsey Street, SE1 3XF. Until Feb 23. £7+ London Bridge ftmlondon.org

St James Theatre 21 Palace Street, SW1E 5JA. Until Dec 8. £30+ Victoria stjamestheatre.co.uk

RODDY FRASER What’s the show all about? It’s a free comedy night in Brixton with four great up-and-coming comics and top headliners off TV. This week we have Marcel Lucont (who’s been on Russell Howard’s Good News).

Where was your first gig? In a rugby pub below a TV showing a rugby match in front of rugby players trying to watch the rugby match. You haven’t lived until you’ve been heckled by a rugby scrum.

Photos: Catherine Ashmore, 2011 The Weinstein Company

Who’s the funniest person you have met? My friend Brendan Maydew, who is a paranoid schizophrenic from County Cork.

Although, as any Irishman will tell you, with people from Cork it’s much harder to make a definite diagnosis.

GAMBIT

PEOPLE

FILM

THEATRE

Alan Rickman gets naked, Colin Firth gets punched in the face a whole bunch of times and Cameron Diaz is the all-southern cowgal at the centre of their crafty art-stealing conspiracy.

Scripted by the Coen brothers, this quirky and offbeat caper is loaded with the sort of oneliners and oddball characters not seen since the brothers’ Burn After Reading.

At 78, playwright Alan Bennett has become as much of an institution as the English stately homes that are the subject of his latest work, a frequently funny if loosely shaped satire. Like his smash hit The History Boys, it bemoans the passing of old values, but without the same freshness and verve. LK

On general release Nov 21

Lyttelton Theatre at the National Theatre South Bank, SE1 9PX. Until Apr 2. £12+ Waterloo nationaltheatre.org.uk

What’s your best on-stage moment? That would have to be Amsterdam in 2003 with three Belgians and some livestock … or do you mean on stage doing comedy?

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

A smaller penis, to stop the pointing.

ArtKomedy 443 Coldharbour Lane, SW9 8LN. Thursdays. Free Brixton market-house.co.uk

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SPARETIME

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Hitman: Absolution Game

The game that spawned a pants movie returns with a new sequel for Agent 47. £37.99 play.com

CD

The new album from the clothes-phobic headline grabber. Features Chris Brown, strangely. £8.99 amazon.co.uk

LEGO Lord Of The Rings Led Zeppelin: Celebration Day

Game

Everything and everyone looks funny when rendered with LEGO, especially Gollum. £34.99 play.com

CD

Live recording of their legendary show at The O2 in 2007. Yes, Stairway To Heaven is included. £14.00 amazon.co.uk

Retromatic iPhone app

This new app allows you to take your photos and jazz them up to look like an old ‘retro’ movie poster. £1.99 itunes.apple.com

Kalle Lasn: Meme Wars Book

A year on from Occupy, the editor of Adbusters magazine, which launched it, says how the economics of the future should look. £19.99 play.com

Geospike iPhone

Tags photos by location so you can see other pics from the same spots.

FREE itunes.apple.com

Kylie Minogue: Kylie / Fashion Book

The Aussie reminisces about her fab fashion career with her stylist William Baker. £20.27 amazon.co.uk

Table Top Jukebox Gadget

A US diner-apeing CD, radio and MP3-playing table topper. £89.95 mysmartbuy.com

Red Dwarf X DVD

Cassette Sticky Notes

The return of Starbug and her eccentric crew. The same as before, only they look older. £13.99 play.com

Gadget

Look like tapes, work like what flatties leave around. £5.00 urbanoutfitters.co.uk

Daniel Sloss: Live DVD

The irritatingly young Scottish comedian’s first stand-up disc is massively awesome. £12.99 play.com

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App of the Week Angry Birds Star Wars App

The feathery gaming critters team up with Lucas’s Jedi empire for this unfeasibly fun game. It shouldn’t work, at all, but it does. £0.99+ itunes.apple.com

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Velvet style jacket Forget James Bond all in black and try this maroon beaut.

Emerald gown Dress up to the nines in a busty ball gown. deadlyisthefemale.com

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How about an organic cotton tee with an original illustration or graphic design envisioned by creative bods from around the globe? The beauty of TShirt Store’s designs comes in the fact they are simple but hugely striking. Each design only has a run of approximately 500, which means your chance of spotting a doppelganger in the pub is slim.

Shopping here never gets boring either, as they change their stock every couple of weeks. TShirt Store also considers prints from independent designers, meaning you could potentially create your own shirt and see it sold in store in London. Go this week and get your hands on their latest space range, from moon logos to statements such as “Don’t fuck with mother nature” and “There is no planet B.”

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LIFESTYLEHEALTH CLASS OF THE WEEK

BOOT CAMP

“Hands off cocks and on socks” is what you expect the sergeant-style fitness instructors at boot camp to bellow. Sessions not modelled on army workouts, however, are much less scary. One of our favourites in the city has to be with Free Form Fitness. Now, we’re not saying it’s a walk in the park, far from it, but if you consistently turn up you will see mad results. The instructors will help you tone problem areas, such as bums and tums, and each session will improve your cardio performance. While classes start painfully early, at 6.15am, they’ll put you through a series of planks and push ups to set you up for the rest of the day, making you feel energised and rejuvenated.

A couple of days later you’ll realise the effects (don’t book in a game of football or squash with your buddies – as you may not be able to walk). After sessions with Free Form Fitness, devotee Caroline Kuhn says she’s never felt fitter: “I am now in probably the best overall shape in my life.” Another boot camper, Richard Fairgrieve, says instructor Sybille Hazward will run rings around you. “Don’t underestimate this woman who looks all small and cute.” It’s £30 for six sessions.

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Top turkey Celebrate Thanksgiving this week with mountains of food, music and a classic Steve Martin movie WORDS LAURA CHUBB

It’s Thanksgiving this Thursday, presenting the perfect chance to be at one with our Stateside brothers and sisters. How? By celebrating the holiday in the traditional way – stuffing ourselves to the point of obscenity.

While Thanksgiving in the US can be traced back to the story of Pilgrims breaking bread with Native Americans to celebrate their first harvest in the New World, nowadays it’s all about turkey and pumpkin pie.

“If you’re counting calories, Thanksgiving is not for you,” says Bernie Rogers, the Canadian chef at Camden’s The Blues Kitchen.

We asked the maestro behind the restaurant’s Thanksgiving spectacular (see right) what makes the perfect meal on the day.

“Roast turkey with all the trimmings and five-cheese mac and cheese,” he begins. ”And some pan-fried greens in garlic butter – the only light dish, just to make some room for desserts. Finish with rich and creamy pumpkin pie with whipped cream and pecan pie with clotted cream.”

We can feel the food sweats already. And with that, here’s our guide to the perfect Thanksgiving in London this week.

Best for: A party WHAT: The Blues Kitchen is having a proper party for the big day, with dinner, DJs and live music, and a competition to win a Fender Telecaster guitar worth £700. You can also wash down the heart-stopping feast (as promised by Rogers) with the bar’s 80 varieties of bourbon and six brands of USstyle craft beer (think Dixie and Brooklyn).

THEY SAY: “Everything is 100 per cent American, from the booze to the chef.”

Er, North American anyway.

MORE: All three courses £22pp. Free entry from 5pm-1am. See theblueskitchen.com

Best for: Entertainment WHAT: The Jetlag Bar in Fitzrovia is hosting a whole day of US-themed entertainment alongside its traditional Thanksgiving dinner.

Catch the 3pm matinee of Thanksgiving comedy Planes, Trains And Automobiles, then see the Detroit Lions take on Houston Texans and Dallas Cowboys up against Washington Redskins in back-to-back NFL matches. Yeee-haaww!

6.30am, Mon, Weds and Fri freeformfitness.co.uk Highbury & Islington

“Those aren’t pillows!”

34

Party at Blues Kitchen

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WHAT’S NEW

Strawberries & Milkshake Shower Smoothie Smell divine £2 bathandbodyshop.co.uk

Bubbles & Butters Crazy for chocolate body butter £13.95 nelly.com

Ready, steady, gorge! A typical Thanksgiving spread

THEY SAY: “Like enjoying the holiday at home, but pimped up big style.”

MORE: All three courses, plus screenings, is £30pp. See jetlagbar.com

Best for: Serious foodies WHAT: A mammoth feed at the Big Easy in Chelsea, with decadent delights including mashed sweet potato with pecan topping and bourbon gravy accompanying the traditional herb-roasted turkey. There’s a bar full of special Thanksgiving cocktails to get stuck into as well – try a pumpkin martini or a Big Easy eggnog.

THEY SAY: “Don your elasticated trousers.”

MORE: All three courses £24.50pp; cocktails from £6.95. See bigeasy.co.uk

Best for: Flexibility WHAT: Can’t be assed to get dressed for dinner? Ffiona’s in Kensington will let you collect your Thanksgiving feast if you preorder it, which means you can enjoy a filthy display of gluttony in the comfort of your own home without having to dirty so much as a pan. There’s a range of starters and desserts to choose from (including an acesounding sweet potato meringue pie) and turkey with all the fixings.

THEY SAY: “This is our 19th Thanksgiving in Kensington and it’s our NEXT WEEK favourite holiday bar none.”

Sending home MORE: All three courses Xmas gifts £39.50pp. See ffionas.com

I Coloniali’s Velveting Hand Cream With rice bran oil £10.00 marksandspencer.com

Photos: Thinkstock

TOP TREATMENT: MANICURE AND NAIL ART MW Nails could well be London’s coolest nail bar. In the ‘flight deck’ salon the interior is kitted out with authentic Seventies aeroplane seats, lights and overhead compartments. Beauticians sport airline hostess attire and manicure treatments include ‘Perfect Panama’ and ‘Two Weeks in Tahiti’ displayed on a departure board. To pretty-up your digits, choose from Union Jacks, fluffy clouds, strawberries and candy stripes. Kitsch, but it works. £12+

Delish: nail art

111B Commercial St, E1 6BG

mwnails.com

Liverpool Street

Eye refresh Naturally Tropic Skincare’s herbal roll-on gel £14.95 joomo.coop

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

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Breakthrough: all you need is creativity, a computer and to put in the hard yards

Being tech savvy The nerds of yesteryear are the movers and shakers of tomorrow – we ask industry experts and innovators why geek’s the new chic WORDS JADE BREMNER

Forget The IT Crowd stereotypes: they no longer apply to those who work in technology. The likes of Google and Apple have made the industry cool, and it’s now filled with trendy, innovative companies that dictate how the world interacts. Tech Entrepreneurs Week (November 26-29) in London offers a chance to learn more about where tech’s headed, make contacts and get advice on how to potentially make millions with a great idea or unique skill. We get a head start from three entrepreneurs in the field …

Graham Cooke, from the UK, is one of four ex-Google employees behind technology solutions company Qubit (qubitproducts.com). At 30, Cooke is a CEO and counts the BBC, Staples, Blackberry, John Lewis and Expedia 36

among his clients for website analytics and data collection. At the age of 10 he designed his first system to cool a hot car from a mobile remote control, so his success is not a huge surprise.

“I’d always been interested in technology and I knew this from a relatively early age,” Cooke says.

“It’s a cliché, but technology is the future. The major developments in the ways in which the world operates, how people interact, how they’re entertained and how they make money is all coming from technology. So, it’s just a really exciting place to be.”

With job satisfaction coming from finding solutions and coming up with great new ideas, technology also offers good money. Cooke says juniors can make about £20k a year in their first

role. Then, he says, the sky is the limit.

And you don’t always need a degree or experience to penetrate your field of interest – technology really is one of those industries which rewards skills, no matter how you acquired them.

“You don’t necessarily need to have years and years of experience to have and execute a great idea,” Cooke says.

“Some of the most successful people in technology are ridiculously young!”

Brit Joss Crowcroft, 24, started freelancing straight out of university, where he had studied music, and says he was earning £400-800 per month “off the bat”. He now builds web applications and websites for a range of clients, with his creations including openexchangerates.org, which gives reliable real-time exchange rates and

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ON THE JOB ESTELLE JONES CAREER Day care provider AGE 23 LIVES London FROM Sydney, Australia How did you get into your line of work?

I love kids and I liked the sound of day care work. I applied for a job at my friend’s parents’ business. It started as a summer job and I’ve just stayed on from there.

Photos: Getty Images

Innovators: Martin Warner and Graham Cooke (left) currency conversions.

HOW TO GET STARTED millions with shrewd “I’ve always loved investments and tech • There are plenty of tech-specific breaking and fixing development, and degrees out there in a wide range things, and I’ve grown set up the four-day of disciplines. But think outside up in an age where you conference to help the box. A lot of what you need to can pretty much learn others in the area. know can be self-taught or learned anything with a few His initial goal when through trial and error – find courses clicks,” he says. starting out was simple, that complement those skills.

Crowcroft says his “to build something • Have a go and get creative industry is open to that people would use”.

– make a website, learn HTML and anyone willing to put “I [hypothetically] took JavaScript, then fiddle about with in the hard work and a look at the future, WordPress, PhotoShop and other get noticed. “Almost and tried to predict programs. And stay up-to-date. anybody, from any what people needed.”

• Be referable, the kind of worker background, can Warner believes that people want to introduce make a start and find that there’s more to others. Confidence pays. Then out quickly whether money to be made in leverage connections for clients it’s something they’d tech than in banking, or that dream job. enjoy,” he says. “And with new starters if you put in the hours, needing minimal you can be world-class.” funds to get off the ground. “People He adds technology is such a broad can build companies in their garages. industry, that all types of strength are Entrepreneurism is the next cool thing,” needed, whether they be managerial, he assures us. academic, design or programming skills.

During an economic crisis, Warner And one thing’s for sure: ‘geek’ is not says the technology industry flourishes. the insult it once was. “It’s a mark of “Web and mobile is the most exciting respect,” Crowcroft reckons. “Geeks place to be on the planet,” he says. shall inherit the Earth.”

“It touches every industry.

UK serial entrepreneur Martin Three billion NEXT WEEK Warner, 40, would agree with that. people have the He’s the founder of Tech Entrepreneurs internet, and Santa shows: Week (techentrepreneursweek.com) that makes tech Working in Xmas theatre and a veteran by industry standards. industry experts By the age of 24, he’d made tens of rocks stars.”

What do you do day-to-day?

I look after small children, toddlers and younger ages, and do all sorts of things such as playing in the sand pit and finger painting. It’s really good fun.

What’s the best part of your job?

I love being around kids all day, they keep you young. I have fun and I don’t have to take myself too seriously.

What’s the most challenging part?

To be honest, it’s tiring trying to get more than 20 kids to take an afternoon nap at the same time.

It’s never an easy task. But it’s great when they all finally go out, then it’s very peaceful.

HOW TO... DELIVER

A SPEECH

Many roles require you to take to the stage at points in your career, here’s how to ace it …

• Arrive early – if you’re late you’ll just add to your nerves.

• Inform, inspire, and entertain.

Pretend you are in a theatre.

A boring speech will make your audience groan and you won’t get your point across.

• Wear a bold colour that will

stand out and capture attention.

• Memorise it. You’ll sound more confident and be more relaxed.

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tntjobs.co.uk www.care24seven.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Live In/Out Care Assistants Location: London Salary: Above average rates depending on experience & qualifications

Recruiting carers within London that have experience and the right attitude towards delivering a high level of service.

You must have: Experience, flexibility. A clear record for CRB check.

Responsibilities: Provide care to the elderly in their own home.

Work within the guidelines of the company policies

CARE24SEVEN T: 020 8912 2310

Please forward a cv to: Max@care24seven.com

BERKELEY SCOTT LIMITED T: 020 7268 6264 www.berkeley-scott.co.uk We are the UK’s market leaders in Hospitality Recruitment both Temporary and Permanent.

EVOLVE HOSPITALITY T: 020 7397 1265 www.evolvehospitality.co.uk Evolve Hospitality specialises in supplying staffing solutions to the Hospitality and Catering industry. We believe in evolving the standards of service, be it in a Michelin-starred restaurant, a 5* hotel or an events venue.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Chefs for Temporary and Permanent Positions Location: Central London Salary: Various We have immediate vacancies for Temp Chefs with lots of hours available at some of London’s best venues. Also have a variety of Full time positions for CDP’s and Sous Chefs - apply now!

Mike Gardner | 020 7268 6264 | mike.gardner@berkeley-scott.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Experienced Silver Service Staff, Waiters and Waitresses, Chef de Parties and Pastry Chefs

Location: Central London Salary: £6.50 - £14 an hour depending on role Evolve Hospitality is looking to recruit with immediate start.

Please send your CV to symmone@evolvehospitality.co.uk and specify in the subject line what job you are applying for.

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MULTIMEDIA

Career opportunities TNT is the market-leading magazine, new media and events brand serving UK-based Australian, New Zealand, South African and other international and young communities.

Drive, ambition, professionalism and a desire

TNT publishes a weekly magazine that’s been around for almost 30 years, and has a circulation of 50,000. It has vibrant interactive websites and puts on an impressive range of events from community parties and award celebrations to major exhibitions.

Telesales Executives

We have a number of job opportunities for people with attitudes and ambitions that match our own to join the team and help TNT into 2013 and its next phase of growth.

to succeed and earn rewards are prerequisites for these roles. Applicants will need to have the following:

» Sales and customer service skills » Articulate and able to make a high volume of outbound sales calls

» The drive to meet and exceed individual targets » Have proven organisational and computer skills » A genuine commitment to delivering outstanding customer service

» Experience in travel, recruitment or media

Digital Sales Executives

February 27-March 4 2012 Issue 1487 tntmagazine.com

» Knowledge of digital sales » Previous experience of working within a media or digital environment

» Proven history in new business development » A natural talent to see beyond the ordinary » Understanding of where online marketing fits in the

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» Ability to identify new revenue streams » Excellent presentation and communication skills

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» Solid sales experience (both face-to-face and phone) » Previous experience of working within a media or

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Please send your CV, covering letter and current salary to kevin.ellis@tntmagazine.com with the relevant job title in the subject line

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» » » »

Excellent presentation and communication skills Proven history in new business development Ability to build a rapport quickly with clients A genuine commitment to delivering outstanding customer service

» Excellent account management skills » Ability to identify new revenue streams » Passion for independent travel

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LIFESTYLELIVING

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Life in the ’burbs

suck.uk.com

The most happening outer ’hoods in London

50

£6.

WORDS JADE BREMNER

Taylor’s Eye Witness board For chopping fresh herbs brandalley.co.uk

Living in suburbia doesn’t have to mean purple rinses and prams or evenings of drinking cocoa, watching Gardeners’ World and being tucked up in bed by 9pm.

Follow our quick guide to the city’s liveliest areas beyond Zone 4, which offer everything from busy bar and restaurant strips to nightclubs where you can party until the wee hours ...

Kingston upon Thames, KT1 9 2.9

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Lady AGA apron For cat and food lovers alike agacookshop.co.uk

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WHAT: This lively suburb in the southwest on London’s most famous river is both a green, tranquil place and a magnet for ravers looking to dance the night away at a mega club. Kingston University ensures there will always be a vibrant and young community in the area, among all the families. “The area is hugely diverse,” Dexters estate agents lettings manager Rachel Patient says.

“Families and students both have a home in Kingston.”

PROPERTY: Renters will find a mixture of newly built secure complexes with gyms, plus period conversions and Thirties-style houses towards the New Malden end.

NIGHTLIFE: The dingy haunt Bacchus Late Bar (bacchuslatebar.co.uk) plays dubstep, drum and bass and dirty reggae into the night, while Essence (essencekingston.co.uk) is more of a gaudy affair, with VIP Fridays and private tables (costing £350) – the bling decor here makes it feel more like Dubai than the outskirts of London.

TRAIN: Kingston rail station runs direct to Waterloo in about 30 minutes.

Outer London: not as sleepy as you think Croydon, CR0 WHAT: This bustling backwater town in the south is chock-a-block with shops. Rather quaintly, it also has a tram service in addition to its train and bus links.

PROPERTY: Historic period buildings are tangled among modern apartment blocks.

NIGHTLIFE: Competing with Essex on the party scene, there are plenty of places to shake your stuff. Try The Granaries

Party in Kingston (thegranaries.net) for old school classics or The Roxbury (theroxburycroydon.com) for weekend cocktails and VIP areas.

TRAIN: East Croydon rail station runs direct to London Bridge in 15 minutes.

South Woodford, E18 WHAT: This busy eastern suburb is full of shops, restaurants and bars. “The vibe here is young, but family-friendly,” resident Claire Wiggington, 31, explains. “Think schools and yummy mummy style cafes.”

PROPERTY: Large period properties with

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MY AREA AIDAR

AMANGELDIYEV

STUDENT

19 “My favourite suburb is East Finchley, because of the restaurants and bars. There are lots of live shows and some great pubs, which gives the area plenty of variety.”

EBONY GILBERT ACTRESS

30

Photos: Getty, Dexters

conversions and new-build flats in between.

Both styles are available for rent.

NIGHTLIFE: Restaurants include chains such as Italian joint Zizzi (zizzi.co.uk) and indies such as The Ark Fish Restaurant (arkfishrestaurant.co.uk). For drinks, try the bustling Lizard Lounge (lizardlounge.biz) or Funkymojoe (funkymojoe.co.uk), which pumps out choons until 2am at weekends.

TUBE: On the Central line, it’s 20 minutes to Liverpool St and about 35 minutes to central London.

“London is my favourite city in the world. As for its suburbs, my favourite is Muswell Hill. There’s a fantastic pub called Clissold Arms there that I love to go to.”

PAMEL CATTEL ADMIN CLERK

25

The TO only way is Romford at Missoula Bar PIC CHANGE

Romford, RM1

Harrow, HA1

WHAT: Deep into TOWIE territory in the northeast, you’ll find shops, clubs, salons and restaurants, and the long-standing Romford Market (romford-market.co.uk).

PROPERTY: Affordable, new houses make Romford a prime location for newbies on the housing market. Period properties are also available, but are steeper in price.

NIGHTLIFE: If you holiday in Marbella, this place will hold a certain appeal. Try Liquid & Envy (liquidclubs.com/romford) to dance the night away, sing along to chart toppers in Buddha Lounge (buddha-lounge.net) or take in the buzzing atmosphere at Missoula Bar (missoulabars.co.uk/missoularomford).

There is definitely more than meets the eye in this dark horse suburb.

TRAIN: The mainline train services run to Stratford and London Liverpool Street (or further into Essex). Journey time to Zone 1 is between 20 and 35 minutes, which is perfect for commuters.

WHAT: With affluent Harrow on the Hill nearby, this northwest suburb has a posh reputation. But resident Becky Russell, who is in her twenties, says, “They’re wrong. Aside from a small amount of public school boys enjoying jolly boarding school japes and wearing straw boaters, the rest of the place is refreshingly down-to-earth, with surprisingly alternative bars, clubs and restaurants.”

PROPERTY: Spacious semi-detached houses, and a few trendy flat developments.

NIGHTLIFE: O’Neills (oneills.co.uk) and Yates (weareyates.co.uk) make up the nightlife, but there’s a solid rock/indie scene with venues such as Trinity (trinity-bar.com) hosting bands and comedy.

TRAIN: Harrow on the Hill, NEXT North Harrow and West WEEK Harrow Tubes are on the Metropolitan line and trains Spotlight: take 20-30 minutes to get Tooting Bec into central London.

“I lived in Kingston for six months.

It’s great for students because of the clubs there. My fave is Arcadia, which is packed. You can also go to Oceana, which is massive.”

CARLA

BLACKWELL BANKER

19 “Usually we go into London for the nightlife, but Hertfordshire is quiet and still has a lot of nice pubs like The Bull. You get the best of both worlds living in a suburb.”

TINA POWZER PROGRAMME DIRECTOR

36 “I like to take walks across Tower Bridge, there you can grab a bite to eat and then take a quick train into any of the southern suburbs.”

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WORLDVIEW

Smelly haul: digested gems

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Naked ambition: Contestants in the Body Art Fashion bare all during the NZ Trotting Cup Day at Addington Raceway, Christchurch, New Zealand

SMUGGLER SWALLOWS 220 DIAMONDS SOUTH AFRICA A suspected smuggler swallowed 220 diamonds worth £1.4m before a flight from Johannesburg to Dubai.

The unnamed Lebanese man, 25, was stopped at O.R. Tambo International Airport, and given laxatives to flush the valuable stones out of his system.

Spokesman Paul Ramaloko said: “Our officers were tipped off about his activities and detained him at the airport. He was then taken for examination and we found around 220 pieces of diamond inside him.”

The suspect was detained by the elite ‘Hawks’ investigations unit and is due to appear before a magistrate on Thursday.

TWEETS OF THE WEEK @Queen_UK Cheryl Cole on phone.

Not sure what she’s saying. Obviously @FrankieBoyle Jordan given assurances Abu Qatada would be treated like any other citizen and entitled to a full trial by firing squad @AngryBritain Do they not sell toothbrushes on council estates? #jeremykyle

BREACHING WHALE LANDS ON BOAT SOUTH AFRICA Three men were injured after a breaching whale leapt out of the sea off South Africa, landing on their boat.

The vessel was motoring slowly about 1km off Port Elizabeth when the mammal crashed into it.

“The boat and all three men went under the water as the whale sunk back into the sea,” Ian Grey, National Sea Rescue Institute Port Elizabeth station 42

commander, said. The victims were rescued and taken to hospital. One, a 41-year-old man, was seriously hurt, with suspected rib fractures and injuries to his arm, leg and soft tissue.

While the species of whale is unknown, Grey said breaching humpback whales have been spotted in the area.

In 2010, a couple whale-watching in waters off Cape Town got a shock when a southern right whale jumped out of the water, snapping the mast on their boat.

South Africa is on the humpback’s migratory route, with the ocean giants returning to Antarctic waters toward the end of the year.

50 SHADES OF DIVORCE UNITED KINGDOM A woman has filed for divorce after her husband refused to recreate scenes from racy, ‘mommy porn’ novel Fifty Shades Of Grey.

The 41-year-old banker, who earns £400,000 a year, wanted to spice up their love life after buying the book.

However, her husband wasn’t up for it, so the woman filed for divorce in the High Court. Lawyer Amanda McAlister told the Daily Mail the couple’s sex life had deteriorated: “She told him he had a boring attitude to sex and she was fed up.”

The husband’s “lack of adventure” and “unreasonable behaviour” counts as one of the five grounds for divorce.

TNTMAGAZINE.

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 231

Number of addicts rounded up as 2000 police targeted Rio’s biggest open-air crack market in pre-Olympic clean-up

Weight, in stone, lost by Janice Rodgers, 46, from Manchester, who was hypnotised into believing she had a gastric band

Legal weed? Sweet as, bro

2368

FAR OUT, MAN. NZ TO LEGALISE WEED?

6

Species of bacteria – 1458 of which may be new to science – found after American researchers studied bellybuttons

NEW ZEALAND Kiwis could soon be left to toke in peace as cannabis campaigners urge the government to relax weed laws.

They want Northland to trial marijuana liberalisation to increase tourism after US states Colorado and Washington voted to legalise the drug.

A new website, conversation.org.nz, has been spreading on social media, urging Kiwis to have their say.

A National Organisation For The Reform Of Marijuana Laws spokesman said: “Northland, which is the cannabis capital of New Zealand, could vie for the opportunity to be the first in the trial.”

ADELAIDE TO KEEP JEEP ON STICK

Photos: Getty; AAP

AUSTRALIA Paris has the Eiffel Tower, New York has the Statue Of Liberty, and Adelaide has ... a Jeep on a stick.

And the four-wheel-drive, placed on top of a 12-metre pole by a Jeep franchise, has been allowed to stay, despite contravening local planning rules.

Planning Minister John Rau said in a tongue-in-cheek comment made in parliament the operator of the car yard had indicated the green vehicle had become such a talking point with customers he was considering putting other cars on the stick.

“It appears this innovative form of

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Likes on Facebook Evelyn and Remi Urbano got after their dad promised them a cat for their US home if their photo attracted 1000

Outlawed: hugging

120,000

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

marketing may well become a distinctive feature of Adelaide’s inner north,” he said.

SCHOOL BANS PUPILS FROM HUGGING NEW ZEALAND Students at an intermediate school spent so long hugging during breaks they were late for classes, so the practice has been banned.

Takapuna staff told pupils embracing each other should be kept to a minimum and outside school hours.

Principal Sue Cattell said: “It got out of hand towards the end of morning teatime.

There would be groups back to class 10 to 15 minutes late because they were making sure they’d hugged the whole group before they got back to class.”

Parent Lorna Subritsk said: “It’s like using a sledgehammer to squash an ant. I thought it was pretty bizarre.”

I don’t think being an idiot is against the law.

That’s what it comes down to Ricky Gervais defends freedom of speech on Twitter

16/11/12 16:31:06

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TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: JADE BREMNER jade.bremner@tntmagazine.com

Hate figure: David Petraeus

Who we bonk shouldn’t cost us our careers

Photos: Getty

An extramarital affair doesn’t mean David Petraeus can’t do his job Series two of agent thriller series Homeland is really surpassing itself. Last week, the director of the CIA was under investigation for being a threat to US national security and later resigned over his affair with his biographer. Wait, sorry, that’s not Homeland, that’s the actual news.

In many ways, I wish it was an episode of Homeland. Poor David Petraeus seems like a nice chap – affair aside – and so far, unlike in the TV show, (spoiler alert) he hasn’t turned out to be a terrorist. He’s actually rescued the nation from numerous threats.

Fiction aside, at the end of last week Barack Obama made a statement supporting the general. He didn’t think Petraeus had “compromised national security” as a result of his affair. Sadly, it was too late. His career is ruined and his marriage is in tatters.

The fact is, we’re all a bit uptight about senior politicians, figureheads and celebrities (a nod to you Tiger Woods) having extramarital affairs. And honestly, I’m not sure why.

Now, it goes without saying (or should do, but I’ll say it anyway so I don’t incur the wrath and scorn of wronged lovers everywhere) that affairs are not good. It’s not nice for your wife (or husband), especially if you do it time and time again (seriously Tiger, calm down).

But is it really anything to do with anyone else, other than the people involved?

The reactionary American public’s meddling disapproval comes as no massive surprise.

This is, of course, the same morally dubious nation that still buys Chris Brown records and hands him music awards – remember him? He of female-bashing fame? An actual criminal, as opposed to a sloppy moralist. Public figures don’t need a separate moral code to the rest of us and their being famous is not an excuse for laughing demonically as their careers are dismantled. Petraeus may well be a cad, a cheater and a bit of a bugger to be married to, but his job title isn’t ‘head of the marriage committee’. It is (or was) Director of the CIA. Hopefully the next episode will pan out better for the anti-hero. » Agree or disagree? Should we keep out of figureheads’ private lives? letters@tntmagazine.com

AGE-RESTRICT ENERGY DRINKS Energy drinks tend to target consumers who like living on the edge. But blimey, who knew you might be dicing with death just by chugging them?

It was reported last week that Federal officials in the US have documents that could link highly caffeinated drinks, such as Monster Energy, with a stream of deaths.

The allegations could give a new meaning to the company’s tag: ‘killer energy brew’.

It’s reminiscent of the time that Red Bull was banned in France, thanks to concerns its high levels of taurine and caffeine could produce “neurophysiological problems”.

“

Who knew you might be dicing with death?

”

However, the ban was overturned after it was ruled no health risks could be proven.

Still, should we be risking kids guzzling energy drinks and potentially popping their clogs while investigations into products take place? If for no other reason than to stop little brats from being more energetic than usual, why not put age restrictions, or sanctions, on highly caffeinated drinks?

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Wanna be in my gang?

OMCG bosses hit back at Oz’s ‘unfair’ crackdown on bikies WORDS CAROL DRIVER

As far as Faalau Pisu’s family was concerned, he was a joker, a loving father and an idol. However, according to police, the 23-year-old dad-of-one was an active member of the controversial Comanchero Motorcycle Club. He was gunned down, shot twice in the head while leaving a wedding reception in Sydney. He died hours later in Liverpool Hospital. Two more men – who were also associated with the Comancheros – were shot, but survived.

Last year, Hayden Burnes was stabbed to death at a car repair business in Sydney’s west. The 15-year-old – whose father is said to have links to the Lone Wolf outlaw bikie gang – was rushed to hospital but died from his injuries.

Three people have now been charged.

And, this month, Leslie David Gadd was jailed for eight years for shooting a man in the leg during a violent home invasion on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast. The Bandidos gang member pleaded guilty in Brisbane’s Supreme Court to the attack on 40-year-old Jason Enrique Gravestein.

These are a few in a long line of crimes involving outlaw motorcycle gangs (OMCG) – or bikies – prompting lawmakers to get serious. Last week, Western Australia passed some of the toughest organised crime laws in the country, which can ban bikie members from associating.

But they’ll have their work cut out, with about 40 OMCGs in the country – some with international links – and none of them taking too kindly to being in the spotlight. The largest is the Rebels, with 55 chapters and 2000 members across Australia. And it’s this group in particular officials are focusing on, setting up Attero, a national taskforce of 14 law enforcement and Commonwealth agencies, to investigate.

Last week it revealed more than 330 people connected with the Rebels have been arrested, with 500 charges made, 300 premises searched and 40 firearms, other weapons and drugs seized. Unsurprisingly, the gang boss isn’t impressed.

In a rare move, the Rebel’s founder Alex Vella called an 46

emergency press conference, claiming there’s no organised crime element to the group, and that police had overstated arrest figures.

“My lawyers tell me it was only 77 (arrested),” Vella said, claiming most of the offences were minor traffic violations.

But he admitted individual members had been known to break the law. “I didn’t say we were squeaky clean,” he said.

“In every family you’ve got a black sheep.”

So is there more to these tight-knit groups than the sensational stories that hit the headlines? It seems so.

Tony Thompson, author of Outlaws: Inside The Violent

“

I didn’t say Rebels were squeaky clean

”

World Of Biker Gangs, who has researched gangs, spending time with members, agreed with Vella, saying not everyone joins a OMCG to commit a crime.

“Ultimately what these gang bosses are saying is true.

None exist as a crime organisation, they’re not the Mafia, they don’t meet just to commit crime, but no one has ever been kicked out for having a criminal record,” he said.

“They’ll have people involved in organised crime, so if you want to get involved in that, you can.

“If the gang has people in, say, the US who are involved in drug smuggling, and you want to get into drug smuggling, this inner circle of international connection will make it easier to pursue a career in organised crime.”

And in terms of inter-gang fighting, Thompson compares it to the relationship between sports fans. “It’s part criminal and part gang pride – it’s like supporting a football team; you’ll hate the other side.”

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Photos: AAP; Getty

Gang life: OMCG boss Alex Vella stands proud (far left); Rebels’ motorbike club; the Comanchero logo; Rebels at a meeting

Protecting their reputation seems to be high on the agenda for Tramps Motorcycle Club, after the Victorian government introduced legislation into the state’s parliament last week that would give police the power to apply to the Supreme Court to order criminal bikie gangs to be banned – similar to those passed in WA. Once an organisation is declared illegal, the court could make control orders banning members from associating or participating in activities, including riding together and wearing their club colours and emblems.

Individuals who breached a control order would face up to five years’ jail and organisations could be fined up to AUS$400,000 and have assets confiscated.

But this didn’t sit right with John Suta, a lawyer for Tramps in Wangaratta, who hit out at the proposals, calling them “unfair”. He said: “They’re unnecessary, they’re politically motivated and reactionary. They’re unjust and unfair. They’ll unfairly punish numerous incidental people.

“These will include friends, family, dependants of so-called controlled persons in various ways. Police and politicians are simply attempting to stoke public fear for their own ends.”

However, despite the great outcry against the national crackdown on bikie gangs, officials are standing firm. They’re determined that new legislation – which it is hoped will be introduced in Victoria by Christmas – will cripple OMCGs from meeting if they encourage criminal activities.

Attorney-General Robert Clark said: “It’s important these gangs are not able to simply shift their operation from one jurisdiction to another.

“The current law [in Victoria] means police are acting against individual criminal offences and prosecuting those particular offences. But the police do not have the power to act preemptively against gangs to strike at the entire activity of the gang. That is the gap that this legislation will fill.”

Whether it will work remains to be seen.

Street gang: Satans Slaves

YOUTH GANGS TO BIKIES EX-MEMBER SPEAKS OUT A former associate of notorious youth gangs in New Zealand has said membership often leads to bikie clubs – and prison sentences.

Christian Simpson, 37, author of Lost Youth Vol 1 New Zealand, was involved in the Miramar Warriors in Wellington from the age of eight. He progressed to the Satans Slaves Motorcycle Club until he was 17 – a year later he was doing time for attempted murder, which was dropped to GBH with intent.

“If you end up in a youth gang, by the time you reach your late teens, if you haven’t sought out a criminal gang or motorcycle club ... such a gang will seek you out,” he said. “They are always looking for new blood.

“If kids aren’t at college or doing well on a sports field or getting an apprenticeship, they’re more than likely to end up a lost youth to gangs, prison, and early death.”

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SPORTNEWS

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Hashim Amla

BATTERED SA ATTACK STILL THE BEST: AMLA CRICKET Even after taking just five wickets and copping a pasting from Australia’s batsmen in the first Test, South Africa’s superstar fast bowling attack is still “the best”, Hashim Amla has said.

The world’s top batsman defended his side’s pacemen, which include the world’s two top-ranked in Dale Steyn and Vernon Philander, after Ed Cowan and Mike Hussey scored centuries and Michael Clarke an unbeaten 259 in their five for 565 declared.

“In world cricket there are a lot of good attacks,” he said. “In my opinion, we have the best attack, and Australia and England are also up there.”

South Africa has a chance to prove it in the second Test from Thursday on another batter-friendly track in Adelaide, where spinner Imran Tahir is sure to play after being left out in Brisbane for four quicks.

The Saffas dominated day one in Brisbane – with Amla scoring another exquisite tonne – before day two was rained out, but then Australia took control.

LETHAL LEISEL ENDS HER STELLAR CAREER SWIMMING Leisel Jones has retired from the pool, ending one of swimming’s most decorated international careers.

Jones, 27, announced she was done with the rigours of elite competition at a press conference on Friday. She was 15 when she won silver at the Sydney 2000 Olympics and in London became the first four-time Aussie Olympic swimmer, and won silver in the 4x100m medley relay.

She finishes her career equal with Ian Thorpe for the most Olympic medals won by an Australian.

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Having a massive drive at your disposal is irrelevant in golf if you hide the ball behind a tree. Few know this better than lairy-panted “Long” John Daly who went bush at the UBS Hong Kong Open last week. The previous week he pulled out of the Singapore Open mid-round, citing fatigue when he was well below the cut during a rain delay

V8 SUPERCARS IN STONER’S FUTURE

BIG WEEK FOR ...

MOTORSPORT

Maybe Brit Ricky Hatton can climb back to the heights of boxing at 34, but he insists his alcohol and depression demons have been given an uppercut – there’s a win before he faces Vyacheslav Senchenko at a sold-out Manchester Arena on Saturday.

It’s the former two-weight world champ’s first fight since he was decked by Manny Pacquiao in 2009: “Those close to me have seen me on the verge of a breakdown and suicide and all of a sudden I’m laughing and joking and have got a spring in my step.

I’ve already won.”

Casey Stoner’s move to V8 Supercars appears inevitable, such is the volume of the chorus in motorsport circles after his last MotoGP race in Valencia.

Stoner, 27, won’t reveal plans for his retirement yet other than spending time with family: “I have a lot of possibilities but nothing that I’m willing to stick to now.”

He’s spoken of his interest in V8s and tested for stars Jamie Whincup and Craig Lowndes’ Triple Eight Racing in 2011, and looked the goods: “I think for sure Casey has something to offer V8s,” Whincup said.

Stoner has also been honoured as a MotoGP Legend in a 20-man list alongside Aussies Mick Doohan and Wayne Gardner.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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QUOTES OF THE WEEK Deans has destroyed Australian rugby and I want him to go Wallabies legend David Campese lets loose on Aussies’ Kiwi coach Robbie Deans after 33-6 loss to France

City’s a different story with Silva

PREVIEW HIGH-FLYERS HAVE EYES ON MAN U CHELSEA V MAN CITY SUNDAY, 4PM, SKY SPORTS 1 Most teams would be stoked to be in the top three, but not Chelsea and Manchester City, with their epic budgets demanding they stand atop the Premier League table or perish.

It took a penalty in the 83rd minute for Chelsea to snatch their last match-up at Stamford Bridge – now they meet as the teams chasing leaders Manchester United.

Before the weekend’s match with West Bromwich-Albion, Chelsea has been hardly

convincing of late: a 5-4 over Man U in extra time after their 3-2 Cup loss, and then EPL draws with Liverpool and Swansea.

Man City haven’t fared much better, having drawn 0-0 with West Ham recently.

Manager Roberto Mancini is under pressure from the money after his team only scraped past Swansea 1-0 and Tottenham 2-1, too.

Encouraging in the Spurs win was the return of David Silva from injury. Since 2010, the sky blues have won 70 per cent of games with the Spanish playmaker and only 44 per cent without him. They also score more and concede less when he’s there.

THE CHAT | Pup attacks like a dog

If I was looking for a publicity stunt, I’d have picked something easier [than boxing].

It’s not my intention to cheapen the sport A lean-looking Andrew Flintoff on his turn to boxing, which has been filmed for a Sky 1 reality TV show. He fights on Nov 30

I know how he feels.

When you take over Scotland you have to live with certain things … the Scottish media and a lot of poor players Former Scotland manager Berti Vogts, now Azerbaijan’s coach, joins tumbleweed in the corner of sacked Craig Levein

TV HIGHLIGHTS

Photos: Getty

CRICKET Is Michael ‘Pup’ Clarke the best Test captain Q in world cricket at the moment?

His attacking attitude surely makes him the most exciting.

A Clarke would rather get back with Lara Bingle than play for a draw and has repeatedly sacrificed his own milestones for the team. His 329 not out against India this year could have been 400-plus and taken every record there is, but he declared to be sure of enough time to bowl them out – they won with a day left. Last May in the Windies he was the second captain in history to win a Test after declaring with his team behind. And last week he tried it again with a rampant double-century and declaration. He also averages a huge 66.36 as skipper. He’s a bit trigger happy with the technical match official (TMO), though.

Australia v South Africa Day one of second Test from Adelaide Thurs, 1.30am, Sky Sports 1

RUGBY UNION England v South Africa International rugby from Twickenham Sat, 2.30pm, BBC1

FOOTBALL Aston Villa v Arsenal Pup goes for the TMO

English Premier League action Sat, 5.30pm, ESPN TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Flying Kiwi Chris Wood is doing the land of the long white cloud proud WORDS MICHAEL GADD

Kiwi striker Chris Wood’s aeroplane-style goal celebration is hardly original, but the path he’s flown to be a star striker for Millwall Football Club is anything but well-trodden.

His Didier Drogba-esque soaring action got another airing last Wednesday in Shanghai when he headed home the equaliser for the New Zealand All Whites in a 1-1 draw with China. Straight after the game, he was on a flight back to London for his side’s clash against Leeds at The Den. Wood, 20, has been impressive on loan at The Lions from West Bromwich Albion, who he’s been signed to since 2009.

Although being linked on paper to the West Midlands side, he’s spent most of his time with them elsewhere.

Born in Auckland, he was playing senior football at 15 for Waikato FC in the national league. It was here he met Roger Wilkinson, a NZ youth coach and former Crystal Palace and West Brom staffer, who saw something special in young Wood and lined up a trial with his old club. “Roger basically had a friend there and sorted it out,” says Wood, amazed at the speed of his journey to the other side of the planet. “I came over four weeks later for a two-week trial and two weeks after that, they offered me a scholarship in their academy.”

Wood says his experience playing with adults at a young age was integral to him being picked up by the big leagues.

“Playing with older lads at Waikato FC made me a better player for sure,” he says. “I had a lot more experience of using my body than others might get early in their career and that worked in my favour when I trialled against guys my own age, even when their technical ability here was much better.”

Wood impressed at youth level for The Baggies and was quickly into the reserves, where he again found goal-scoring form. He was well placed in April 2009 when a string of injuries to West Brom’s senior attackers led then manager Tony Mowbray to give him a surprise call against Portsmouth at Fratton Park. When he came off the bench, he became the sixth New Zealander ever to play in the Premier League.

50

“At the time I didn’t know that,” he says. “As soon as I made my appearance for West Brom everyone was there to tell me though, and I knew it was a great achievement.

Hopefully there’s more [Premier League football] to come for me and more NZ players to come and join me over here.”

West Brom were relegated that year but Wood was at a big English club – by Down Under standards – and stoked about it.

He scored his first senior goal for them, a cracking 25m bullet against Doncaster Rovers, in September 2010, the same month

“

The fans here really spur you on to play well

”

he went to Barnsley on a 93-day emergency loan and began his circuit of southern England’s professional football.

Wood then had a short but successful loan stint at Brighton & Hove Albion that saw them rise from League One. He also impressed at Birmingham City, where he was sent for a month the day before the Championship began last year and debuted in round one. As a solo striker in City’s first European match in almost 50 years, in the Europa Cup against Nacional, he hit the post twice in a goalless draw.

His month there turned into three, with Wood scoring seven goals from eight games at one stage, including a hat-trick against Millwall, and a stoppage time beauty to beat Club Brugge 2-1 in the Europa League. He ended the 2011/12 season at Bristol City and then Millwall came into his life.

He takes each new start in his stride.

“This is my fifth loan, so I’m used to all the ins and outs of the arrangement. Everyone tries to help you settle in quickly and you just get on with the job,” he says.

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Photos: Getty

Clockwise from far left: Wood’s soaring celebration for NZ; showing strength for Millwall; in action at Birmingham City; after a hat-trick against Millwall for City

“I’m here for a reason and that’s to improve my game and help the team I’m with move up the league, and score some goals. I’m here until the end of January at the moment, so I’ll do my job until I know what I’m doing next.”

Wood has “no idea” where he’ll be come the new year.

On prompting, he admits it’s easier to deal with uncertainty when you’re scoring goals. He slotted six in his first nine games at the club, including a hat-trick in a 3-3 draw against his mates at Birmingham City. He feels settled for the first time in a while, and says he would quite like a longer stay at Millwall should the powers that be choose that route.

“It seems to have all worked out for everybody, so I don’t see why not,” he says. “At the moment I’m just keeping focused and trying to do the right job.”

Millwall has been travelling well since he arrived. They were in 10th spot on the table before this weekend, four points from the coveted Premier League play-off spots – and Wood’s talking like a Lion, even if he isn’t one officially.

“It’s a very tight league, a few wins and you can be up near the top of the table, which would be great, but a few losses and you can be down the bottom,” he says.

At the very least, he has the fans in his corner. “Woody’s class, he’s got everything, we love him here,” lifetime ‘Wall’ fan Mike Kirk says. “We’d love him to stay but I’d be surprised if we could keep him – we won’t be able to afford him.”

Millwall fans have been associated with the negative side of what happens in the terraces of English football. Careful not to get the young Kiwi in trouble less than a month before his 21st birthday, TNT asks him in his capacity as a journeyman if they’re more “passionate” than other fans.

“Passionate, that’s a great way to describe them,” he says, adding all he can see and hear in the crowd at any club is motivation. “They really give you something to play for, more than usual, especially away from home and you see the ones who travel. It really spurs you on … it’s why you play.”

Full Nelson: hard man Ryan for QPR

NZ’S PREMIER LEAGUE PATH IT’S NOT PAVED WITH GOALS When Chris Wood became the sixth New Zealander to play in the EPL for West Brom in 2009, he was also the first ever striker from his country to make the leap.

Five defensive players, including two currently, came before ‘Woody’, starting with Lee Norfolk, whose Ipswich Town run lasted three games in the 1995/96 season.

Danny Hay’s stint was similarly unremarkable, mainly due to his struggle to stay on the field for Leeds with injuries in 2000/01 – he played just four games.

Defensive-midfielder Simon Elliott fared better at Fulham, after being scouted in the US. He appeared 13 times for the Whites in 2006, but struggled with injury.

Wood’s All Whites teammates Winston Reid (46 games for West Ham) and NZ skipper Ryan Nelson (184 matches at Blackburn, Spurs and now QPR), however, are regular fixtures at the back in their sides.

When Wood climbs back to the top league, as he is tipped to, a goal-scoring record will be his – he’ll need 12 to net more than every Kiwi EPL player combined.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: MICHAEL GADD michael.gadd@tntmagazine.com

Zippy Zaha is ‘from’ England

Pick where you’re ‘from’ early on and stick with it

The debate over which country an athlete should play for is a farce

» Agree or disagree? Should national allegiance be declared early? letters@tntmagazine.com 52

It’s a good thing Sonny Bill Williams has boxing experience, even against rubbish opponents – he knows how to handle people who want to deck him.

Last week the bloke whose passport is in league with his bank account finally signed on as a Sydney Rooster in the NRL, marking a return to the code he controversially dumped when he skipped town on the Bulldogs for a big wad in rugby union in France. He’s now wrapping up a big money stint in Japanese rugby.

I rate the bloke highly as an athlete – he did so well in rugby he even made the All Blacks or, as I see it, was good enough

“

His passport’s in league with the bank

”

to get the extra coin that comes with an international contract. Despite fighting donkeys, he also shows promise as a boxer.

Williams doesn’t care what his critics say about his NRL return, he says – just as well, he has plenty. When nicest bloke in league Hazem El Masri is up you for the rent, you really must be a grub. He’ll be a marked man.

Photo: Getty

Where are you from? Tough question, apparently. Is it where you were born, grew up, lived mostly, live now? Other than for visas, it’s irrelevant. A whole other yarn in sport, though, where athletes are increasingly wanting to be from where they’re not or where they call home but not where they’re from.

Striker Wilfried Zaha played for England last week, but could play for birth nation Ivory Coast. Salomon Kalou says: “He is Ivorian and his place is with us.“ Where is he coming from? The speedster’s lived here since age four and played at every age level for England.

State Of Origin rugby league, easily more prestigious than international competitions in the code, is a beauty. Greg Inglis was born, grew up, played juniors and his first senior football in NSW – plays for QLD; Ben Te’o was born in Auckland, played NZ under-16s and Junior Kiwis and for Samoa in the world cup – obviously, he plays for QLD as well.

It’s a farce. Sport is about nailing your colours to the wall and giving your all for club or sponsor, which can change according to the sad economic reality of the business that I choose to ignore. But representing a country is sacred, definable and, the purist in me wants to believe, not money-driven. Athletes should have to choose once, and early, where they’re “from” and never change. Golfer Rory McIlroy is umming between Team GB and Ireland for the Olympics – if he has to think about it, he doesn’t deserve either. Kevin Pietersen and Jonathan Trott picked England over their native South Africa – they’re English.

This theory rids Australia of a generation of boxers and weightlifters, but were they ever “from” Oz or just seeking refuge in a safer country? When Brad Thorn pulled on QLD and Australia league jumpers, he should never have been allowed near the All Blacks, but alas.

Roy Keane, the England-born former captain of Ireland said it last week: “You pull the colours on ... you stick with it”. Ignoring tossers who are “you know, like, a citizen of the world”, everyone knows where they’re “from”, if asked what their true colours are.

‘MONEY’ BILL WILL CHEQUES IN AGAIN

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EXECUTIVE SUITE PACKAGE AT FULHAM FC up with TNT T to give one lucky reader and guest the chance to win a hospitality package when the whites take on Swansea City at Craven Cottage (Saturday, December 29, kick-off 3pm).

Enjoy a hot meal in an executive suite before kick-off and then watch the game from balcony seats that offer a fantastic view of the pitch.

If you are not lucky enough to win this fantastic prize, you can still catch Barclays Premier League football at Craven Cottage across December. Fulham face Tottenham Hotspur, Newcastle, Southampton and

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The Loony Dook Not many people choose to swim in the sea on New Year’s Day in Scotland (it’s a wee bit chilly) but for those mad enough to take the plunge, the appropriately named ‘Loony Dook’ is just your thing. One of HAGGiS’ favourite Edinburgh Hogmanay events. And, it’s the fastest cure to your New Year’s Day hangover.

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TRAVEL LATE DEALS | HOTSHOTS | TRAVEL TIPS | TOP FIVE | TOURS | BIG TRIP IMAGE OF THE WEEK

SADDLE UP A member of the Sikh religious warriors’ Nihang Army performs on horseback at the Fateh Divas festival in Amritsar, India.

Photos: Thinkstock, Getty

INSIDE

WEIRD WILTSHIRE /58

PARTY ‘TIL 2013 /66

DESERT TRAIL /72

Explore thousands of years of mystic events, historical happenings and ye olde English eccentricities in this offbeat county.

Want to make next year your best yet? Start it as you mean to go on, with a night to remember in one of Europe’s top party spots.

Fifty years since epic film Lawrence Of Arabia was released, we brave the hero’s sandy trail through Jordan’s deserts and canyons.

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TRAVELDIARY

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Hold on tight: NFR gets rough

Helen Elfer TRAVEL EDITOR

ADVICE FROM GOLDEN OLDIES So you’re planning the trip of a lifetime: a daredevil expedition through the Amazonian jungle perhaps, or a wild, hallucinogenicaddled tubing session in Laos’s infamous Vang Vieng. Where’s the first place you’d go for a few travel tips?

Not granny, that’s for sure.

But if you don’t ask her advice next time you pop round for Sunday lunch, you could be missing out on some absolute gems. I’m serious. I recently stumbled across a blog aimed at ‘mature travellers’ (silvertraveladvisor.com) which had amazing info about groceries you can use as health remedies on the road. Did you know a few drops of Coca-Cola will ease the pain of a wasp sting? Or that a cotton wool ball soaked in lime juice will stop toothache? And apparently avocados can be used as emergency sunscreen, skin moisturiser, cleansing cream and hair conditioner.

You certainly don’t find that sort of gold on the average twentysomething backpacker’s look-at-meI’m-riding-an-elephant! blog posts.

On another site, Cecilia’s Amazing Travel Tips (cile.home.xs4all.nl), there’s a section called ‘Practical tips from Granny’ that advises you to pack a tea towel instead of a regular towel as it’s lighter, smaller, dries quicker and, as she sweetly assures any reader who might be concerned, “it works just fine”.

Awww. Also, “Don’t leave your dirty underwear lying about.”

I’ve shared a dorm with many a backpacker who could’ve done with hearing that particular snippet of sage advice from Granny.

NATIONAL FINALS RODEO US It’s man verus beast at this explosive, all-American championship, which is such a big deal it’s been nicknamed the Super Bowl of Rodeo.

6-15 World-renowned cowboys and cowgirls compete across seven rodeo disciplines in a Las Vegas stadium, including bareback bronc and steer wrestling.

So don you cowboy hat and practice your “Yeee-haww!”

DEC

WHY: The first NFR, a much smaller event, was held in 1959. Now it has expanded into a 10-day festival of spectacular horseback stunts, live music, mutton busting (riding sheep rodeo-stlye) for the little’uns and unsurprisingly, a Miss Rodeo America competition.

WINE AND DINE Hong Kong

The Hong Kongese really love their food, and this is 30 never more in evidence than during the Wine and Dine month, when foodie districts, such as Lan Kwai Fong, Stanley and Queen’s Road East, will be packed with festive street carnivals. Lots of the city’s pricier restaurants also offer special deals, which are worth taking advantage of.

NOV

discoverhongkong.com

ATP

England

betters to share? Email your thoughts to helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

atpfestival.com

56

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WINTER LIGHTS Canada

The Niagara Falls gets even more spectacular during the 31 Winter Festival of Lights, when the water is illuminated and fireworks are set off over the falls.

DEC-JAN

wfol.com

ICE SCULPTURE FEST Belgium

Ice artists from across the globe will descend on 23 Bruges for the Snow and Ice Sculpture Festival, where they’ll be sculpting statues out of more than 300 tonnes of ice and 200 tonnes of snow.

The theme this year is ‘Ice Magic,’ and the sculptures will be inspired by stories including Harry Potter, The Lord Of The Rings and The Hobbit.

NOV

icesculpture.be

Photos: Getty

Art exhibitions, stand-up comedy and plenty of DJ 7-9 and band sets will be taking place at Somerset’s All Tomorrow’s Parties this year.

DEC

Got any travel advice from your elders and

DO IT BECAUSE: Well, because for ever after, you’ll be able to raise an eyebrow, put on your best Vegas twang and say: “This ain’t my first rodeo.” No one can ever take that away from you. Go, hang with the rednecks and cowboys and enjoy.

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OZ ON THE UP

The Museum of the Occupation of Latvia 1940–1991

Photos: Thinkstock

EVEREST REVISITED To celebrate the 60th anniversary of Sir Edmund Hillary’s historic Everest climb next year, a British adventure firm is offering a one-off trek which will retrace at least some of his intrepid footsteps. In May 2013, Explore (explore.co.uk) will lead an expedition up the world’s highest mountain, planned to arrive at Everest Base Camp on the same date that Hillary and Tenzing Norgay embarked on their final push from this point to the summit. The 24-day trek is not for the faint-hearted, but won’t carry on to the top of the mountain, instead tackling the nearby 5545m Kala Pattar.

Guides are available in English

Two Australian cities – Hobart and Perth – have topped a list of the world’s best up-and-coming tourist destinations. TripAdvisor has released a list of the places that have seen the most increase in positive traveller feedback and a boost in interest. Perth made it to number five on the list while Hobart was ranked at number seven. It definitely looks like now is the Tasmanian capital’s time to shine, as last month Lonely Planet named it one of the world’s best cities, bigging up Hobart’s natural beauty and MONA museum and saying: “Now is the time to discover what’s going on down there before the rest of the world catches on.”

Latvia under the Rule of the Soviet Union and National Socialist Germany

Raina blvd.7, Riga, LV-1050, Latvia Tel:+(371) 67 212715, E-mail: omf@latnet.lv www.occupationmuseum.lv www.omf.lv

SOLAR POWER It’s the holy grail of sustainability – whole nations powered entirely by the sun’s energy.

And now the Tokelau islands in the South Pacific have become the perfect destination for an eco-holiday after making it happen. The islands used to be heavily dependant on their dieselpowered electricity grid, which was putting enormous strain on the Tokelau economy. But the new solar grids can provide 150 per cent of islanders’ power needs, with even cloudy days provided for with coconut oil fuel. It’s anticipated that other Pacific islands, such as Fiji and the Solomon Islands, will soon follow suit.

SKYTRAX ‘MISLEADING’ Popular travel review website Skytrax (airlinequality.com) has been dealt a blow by the Advertising Standards Agency after being unable to prove its “checked and trusted airline reviews”, which it claimed were provided by passengers, were genuine.

The site provides a rating system for airlines and airports, but the ASA concluded the website’s claims to have 5.4m customer reviews, which it said were supplied by “REAL travellers with REAL opinions!” were misleading. Skytrax, however, argued that every review underwent an authentication process.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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An alien message? The mysterious Stonehenge

EAT, SLEEP, DRINK

Wiltshire ENGLAND

WALES

ENGLAND

London Wiltshire

GETTING THERE Take the train from London Paddington to Swindon from £46.30 return. Then take the number 49 bus from Swindon to Avebury (doesn’t run on Sundays). thetrainline.com

For top-notch veggie fare, head to the Circle Restaurant (High St, Marlborough, tel. 01672 539514). Sandwiches, soups and cream teas are the order of the day. Mains from about £5.

The Red Lion is a classic old thatched country pub within Avebury’s stone circle. The pub grub is affordable with main courses from £8.89. red-lion-pub-avebury.co.uk For one of the best selections of real ale in the county, visit The Inn With The Well, a pub with plenty of character. Pints from £3.15. theinnwiththewell.co.uk Quaint Tudor wood panelling and roaring fires set the scene at The Sun Inn, where pints start from about £3. thesunmarlborough.co.uk Avebury Life is a budget B&B embracing Wiltshire eccentricity. It advertises to those coming to “experience the strength and energy of the stones” or “connect with the crop circles”.

Double room with en suite from £70pn. aveburylife.com

Clockwise: crop circles; rocks at Avebury circle; white Wiltshire chalk horses; under West Kennet Long Barrow 58

Stay in a grand farmhouse a short drive from Avebury at Blounts Court Farm near Devizes.

From £35pppn, it’s a bargain. blountscourtfarm.co.uk

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UKTRIP

Weird Wiltshire Explore thousands of years of mystic, historic happenings and ye olde English eccentricity

Photos: David Williams, Keith Chaloner/Visit Wiltshire, Britainonview, Getty

WORDS SIMON HEPTINSTALL

Wiltshire is surely an epicentre of oddities. From inexplicable crop circles to mysterious prehistoric sites, this quintessential slice of unspoiled England is one of the most baffling and interesting places on the planet.

I’m intrigued by the countless tall tales I’ve heard, and decide the best place to start a tour of weird Wiltshire has got to be Stonehenge. Theories abound as to how the massive stones – some weighing as much as 50 tonnes – came to be arranged in ancient times. Were they gifts from extraterrestrial beings? Magically transported through a wave of Merlin’s wizardly wand in the times of King Arthur?

Or simply heaved into place by tough primeval men, for use as an astrological calendar? However the circle was formed, these mammoth rocks standing on an empty hilltop like the discarded stone lego of giants, are still one of the most imposing sights I’ve ever clapped eyes on. A £7.80 ticket buys you access to the perimeter of the stones, but rather than stump up that cash, I find a signposted National Trust walk, which loops around the surrounding fields. From here I can still see the famous stone circle and also get a satisfying sense of its place in the ancient landscape of avenues and fields.

A short drive from Stonehenge, through rolling chalky hills, takes me to its lesser-known Stone Age neighbour, Avebury, one of the biggest prehistoric sites in Europe. Its sprawling inner and outer stone circles were formed for some long-forgotten purpose, and are connected to the nearby town via a grassy ‘avenue’. This is marked by pairs of large grey stones and leads past ramparts, ditches and tombs.

Naturally, such a mystical scene attracts all the nutters, and I pass groups of beardy druid-types hanging around the various rocks, muttering what sound like charms or spells to themselves. One old hippy tells me a local legend: if you press your ear to a stone you can hear voices from the past.

I test his theory and strain to catch a whisper from anyone, a Pagan god perhaps, or just a long-deceased worshipper, but eventually give up – his hearing must be better than mine.

Avebury is a real hotbed of quirky old sites. A short walk away is Silbury Hill – a chalk lump of 40m high, it’s the tallest man-made mound in Europe, comparable in size and age to some Egyptian pyramids. Its purpose is again unknown – there’s a definite trend here – but legend has it there’s a man on horseback and covered in gold buried in its heart.

Archaeologists have been tunnelling into the mound for years, though, and haven’t found anything yet.

From one burial site to another, the next place on my list to explore is West Kennet Long Barrow – an underground chambered Neolithic tomb. Constructed around 3650BC, this atmospheric chamber was in use for at least 1000 years, until it was sealed with chalk rubble and boulders. Some archaeologists believe this happened at the same time the stone circles at Avebury were built, indicating a dramatic change in beliefs or religion. Deep inside the chamber, I can’t resist letting out a ghostly “woooh”, which echoes around the

“

Groups of druids hang around the stones

”

old stones. I’m quickly shushed by a serious-looking spiritualist kneeling on the ground nearby. Time to call it a day.

The next morning I check out Wiltshire’s eight white horses, landmark figures carved into the side of chalk hills.

No mystery here though, they were formed by eccentric landowners just a few hundred years ago. One of the most spectacular, at Cherhill, was designed in 1780 by Dr Christopher Alsop, known as ‘the mad doctor’, who shouted directions to its makers through a megaphone from the bottom of the hill.

Finally, I clamber to the top of Westbury Hill to get a view of the intricate crop circles in the fields below. From geometric patterns to swirling circles, some of these appeared as recently as last month, yet as little is known about their origin as about Stonehenge’s.

One thing is clear though – Wiltshire shows Christmas markets: no signs of getting any Snap up stocking less weird over time.

NEXT WEEK

fillers around the UK

english-heritage.org.uk

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LATEDEALS

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Two nights in Madrid costs £120pp with easyJet Holidays

DEAL OF THE WEEK ESSENTIAL EGYPT

£194

A nine-day Xmas and New Year trip with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Includes accommodation and some meals.

Excludes flights. Book by Nov 30, departs Dec 24.

< £250

60

EGYPT A seven-night trip costs £345pp with easyJet Holidays (0843 1041000; easyjet.com/holidays).

Includes return flights and five-star, allinclusive accommodation at the Iberotel Il Mercato in Sharm El Sheikh. Departs London Gatwick on December 6.

LES DEUX ALPES A seven-day ski trip in France costs £479pp (save 20 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 099 8852; traveltalktours.com).

Includes all-inclusive accommodation in a Les Deux Alpes chalet, a 6.5 day ski pass, equipment rental and board or ski instruction. Excludes flights. Departs March 31. Book by November 30.

THAILAND A four-day trip costs £459pp with Intrepid Travel (0844 4998487; intrepidtravel.com).

Includes boat accommodation, islandhopping from Phuket to Ko Phi Phi and some meals. Excludes flights.

Book by December 1. Departs Phuket on December 8.

> £500 SRI LANKA A seven-night stay costs £859pp with Travelbag (0871 7034240; travelbag.co.uk).

Includes return flights and four-star, all-inclusive accommodation at Cinnamon Bey Sri Lanka Beach Hotel.

Valid for travel until November 30.

Departs London Heathrow.

ORLANDO A seven-night trip costs £580pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes return flights and four-star, room-only accommodation at the WorldGate Resort Hotel. Departs London Gatwick on December 11.

EUROPE A 22-day tour costs £980pp (two-for-one) with Travel Talk (traveltalktours.com; 0208 0998852). Includes boat and fourand three-star accommodation, and some meals. Visiting Rome, Berlin and more. Excludes flights and local payment. Book by November 30.

Departs Split, Croatia, May 12, 2013.

DAILY TRAVEL DEALS GO TO tntmagazine.com/travel/latedeals where new travel deals are updated daily.

There are more than 30 deals live at any time. Also sign up for TNT’s weekly travel newsletter, which will be emailed to you every Wednesday with the most up-to-date deals and guides to over 170 destinations.

Sign up at tntmagazine.com/travelemail

MONEY TRANSFERS Need to send money between Australia, New Zealand and the UK? You don’t need a bank to do it. We also do money transfers to South Africa.

TRANSFER FEES FROM £1 For live transfer rates, visit tntforex.com or call 0870 898 8996

EXCHANGE RATES* Australian dollar New Zealand dollar South African rand Polish złoty Euro US dollar Canadian dollar Hong Kong dollar Swedish krona Swiss franc Singapore dollar

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MADRID A two-night stay costs £120pp with easyJet Holidays (easyjet.com/holidays; 0843 1041000). Includes return flights and four-star, B&B accommodation at the Mercure Santo Domingo. Departs from London Gatwick on December 5.

BUDAPEST Two nights costs £49pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes three-star, B&B accommodation at the city centre Hotel Thomas and return flights.

Departs from London Stansted on December 4.

AMSTERDAM A three-night stay costs £169pp with Travelbag (travelbag.co.uk; 0871 703 4240). Includes return flights and three-star, B&B accommodation at the Prinsenhotel. Departs from London Luton on December 3.

TENERIFE Seven nights costs £185pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). This deal includes return flights and three-star, B&B accommodation at the Laguna Park II Apartments in Playa De Las Americas.

Departs from London Stansted on December 11.

BERLIN A three-night stay costs £199pp with Travelbag (0871 703 4240; travelbag.co.uk). Includes return flights and four-star, B&B accommodation at the city centre Adrema Hotel. Departs London Luton on December 5.

£250 – £500

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HOTSHOTS

RUTH ROXANNE BOARD Talks travel photography

WINNER

HOT TIPS: Drama Aiming for a dramatic image can be a hard concept to grasp, but with a few handy hints you should be well on the way to discovering what works for you. Motion blur is a good place to start. Slow your shutter speed down and see how this affects your shots. A simple silhouette is a great way to define their outline while leaving out

the details. If you see everyone shooting from the same angle, try to change your perspective to achieve something different. Light is so important to photographers and learning how to change and manipulate it is a great tool.

Changing the angle of your light source can transform your subject from ordinary to extraordinary.

WINNER NORFOLK SUNSHINE Ian Egerton, Manchester, UK

WHY IT WORKS The clouds circle the sky in a giant swirl illuminated by the early morning sun in the Norfolk countryside. The sky is awash with yellows, oranges, pinks, purples and blues. It looks spectacular and if the photographer were asleep then this dramatic sunrise would have been missed. This is a rare moment where all the conditions were right to create a spectacular scene, but one that few people would have witnessed.

RUNNER-UP COLOSSEO Svatopluk Dolezal, Czech Republic

WHY IT WORKS The Colosseum stands tall in the centre of Rome, as it has done for almost 2000 years. A venue used for gladiatorial contests, animal hunts and executions, this has been the scene for many gruesome dramas.

These days that circus for violent entertainment is a more sedate, prettified version of its former self. Now the ancient monument coexists with the modern city as a reminder of the past.

A THREE-DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE

RUNNER-UP

Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth ÂŁ218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com).

Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a ÂŁ60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

WIN

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KERALA BACKWATERS

Clean and comfy

ROYALE PARK OVERVIEW The small town of Alleppey in southern India’s Kerala province is seriously limited in terms of accommodation, as almost all the visitors are here to jump straight onto one of the houseboats (see right) and explore the beautiful backwaters. But if you have a day or two to spend in the town, Royale Park is something of a godsend.

In terms of decor it might be quite generic, with basic, practical furnishings, but what it lacks in flair it more than makes up for in useful facilities. Large, squeaky-clean rooms with air conditioning and hot showers are heavenly for anyone who’s been on the backpack trail too long, and the wi-fi is fast and free. The gift shop sells – joy of joys – refrigerated chocolate. The staff is efficient and happy to help with any needs for your onward journey.

WOW FACTOR The downstairs restaurant is a little old and shabbylooking, but what’s going on in the kitchen is nothing short of spectacular. Order a palak paneer curry (spinach and cottage cheese) with fresh lime soda and garlic naan bread – you won’t regret it.

ROOMS: Certainly on the bland, uninteresting side but perfectly comfortable, and as the price isn’t much more than the nearby grubby hostels, it’s an absolute bargain.

BILL PLEASE: Single rooms from £11pn.

hotelroyalepark.com

00 62

It might not be the quickest way to travel, but if your idea of the perfect holiday is just to cast off and get away from it all, you can’t beat a boat trip.

There’s a reason why people get all misty-eyed and sentimental when they talk about sailing – the freedom of being on the water, miles away from phone calls, emails, traffic jams, your office ... not to mention seeing all those corners of the world that you’d usually miss on a conventional holiday.

Spending an unforgettable night on board a houseboat in Kerala’s leafy backwaters has got to be one of the best waterborne experiences out there.

The iconic boats, with their thatched roofs, are also known as kettuvalloms.

They drift slowly through 900km of waterways, passing tiny riverside villages, through narrow canals and across wide lakes.

The main hubs to get on one of these trips are Alappuzha and Kollam, and both of these towns are packed with tour operators who will arrange your trip for you. But be warned, lots of these are unscrupulous charlatans,

so if you like the staff at your hostel ask them or other travellers for recommendations.

Most boats set sail around 11am and dock at nightfall, between which times you can sit on the deck, snapping stunning pics of this cluster of swooping palms, or that traditional fishing boat, waving to Keralan villagers, or stuffing down the platefuls of onion bhajis, fresh fish and fiery curries that are brought out to you.

The boat docks overnight and then sets sail again at first light, meaning if you’re up early enough, you get to see the sun rise over the backwaters.

In other words, this really is a textbook serene, idyllic boat journey.

However, peak season from November to February is a different story. Not only do prices rise, but miles of the riverbanks are lined with boats full of other tourists, all after their own private piece of paradise. Avoid this time of year at all costs, as the atmosphere is chaotic and you won’t be able to appreciate any of the scenery. keralatourism.org

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TOP TOPFIVE FIVE

BOAT TRIPS XXXXXX

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KERALA BACKWATERS

Clean and comfy

ROYALE PARK OVERVIEW The small town of Alleppey in southern India’s Kerala province is seriously limited in terms of accommodation, as almost all the visitors are here to jump straight onto one of the houseboats (see right) and explore the beautiful backwaters. But if you have a day or two to spend in the town, Royale Park is something of a godsend.

In terms of decor it might be quite generic, with basic, practical furnishings, but what it lacks in flair it more than makes up for in useful facilities. Large, squeaky-clean rooms with air conditioning and hot showers are heavenly for anyone who’s been on the backpack trail too long, and the wi-fi is fast and free. The gift shop sells – joy of joys – refrigerated chocolate. The staff is efficient and happy to help with any needs for your onward journey.

WOW FACTOR The downstairs restaurant is a little old and shabbylooking, but what’s going on in the kitchen is nothing short of spectacular. Order a palak paneer curry (spinach and cottage cheese) with fresh lime soda and garlic naan bread – you won’t regret it.

ROOMS: Certainly on the bland, uninteresting side but perfectly comfortable, and as the price isn’t much more than the nearby grubby hostels, it’s an absolute bargain.

BILL PLEASE: Single rooms from £11pn.

hotelroyalepark.com

00 63

It might not be the quickest way to travel, but if your idea of the perfect holiday is just to cast off and get away from it all, you can’t beat a boat trip.

There’s a reason why people get all misty-eyed and sentimental when they talk about sailing – the freedom of being on the water, miles away from phone calls, emails, traffic jams, your office ... not to mention seeing all those corners of the world that you’d usually miss on a conventional holiday.

Spending an unforgettable night on board a houseboat in Kerala’s leafy backwaters has got to be one of the best waterborne experiences out there.

The iconic boats, with their thatched roofs, are also known as kettuvalloms.

They drift slowly through 900km of waterways, passing tiny riverside villages, through narrow canals and across wide lakes.

The main hubs to get on one of these trips are Alappuzha and Kollam, and both of these towns are packed with tour operators who will arrange your trip for you. But be warned, lots of these are unscrupulous charlatans,

so if you like the staff at your hostel ask them or other travellers for recommendations.

Most boats set sail around 11am and dock at nightfall, between which times you can sit on the deck, snapping stunning pics of this cluster of swooping palms, or that traditional fishing boat, waving to Keralan villagers, or stuffing down the platefuls of onion bhajis, fresh fish and fiery curries that are brought out to you.

The boat docks overnight and then sets sail again at first light, meaning if you’re up early enough, you get to see the sun rise over the backwaters.

In other words, this really is a textbook serene, idyllic boat journey.

However, peak season from November to February is a different story. Not only do prices rise, but miles of the riverbanks are lined with boats full of other tourists, all after their own private piece of paradise. Avoid this time of year at all costs, as the atmosphere is chaotic and you won’t be able to appreciate any of the scenery. keralatourism.org

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVELTIPS

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Tiger in the woods: spot them at India’s beautiful national parks

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If your tip is printed, you’ll win vouchers (worth up to £60) for entry for two into one of No.1 Traveller’s airport lounges at Heathrow, Gatwick or Stansted. With complimentary food and drinks, free wi-fi and newspapers and magazines, your trip will get off to a flying start. See No1Traveller.com Tweet your tip to @tntmagazine.com Email traveltips@tntmagazine.com Text TNT and your message to 81707* *Messages cost 25p each + standard network rate.

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YOU ASKED FOR IT...

LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

have three weeks to work my way Q Inorthward from London to Edinburgh

will be travelling to India for three Q Imonths and am interested in going

for Christmas and New Year’s. I’m stuck for ideas for what I can do as a solo budget traveller in the winter, though. Any ideas?

Sammy, via email

to a national park to see tigers in the wild. Are there one or two that you would recommend? Also, I’d love to do some volunteering with animals. Where would you suggest I start my research into this?

Sean, via email

embrace the cold, so there’s A Northerners always plenty to do in winter. Visit

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is home to half of the world’s wild A India tiger population, so it is an excellent place to go to view this species in its natural habitat.

In eastern Rajasthan, you’ll find Ranthambore National Park, one of northern India’s largest.

It’s home to almost 50 tigers, so there is a good likelihood of spotting one of these magnificent big cats in the wild. The park itself is home to a 10th-century fort, which the tigers can often be spotted prowling around.

In the centre of India, you will find Bandhavgarh National Park, which has the highest density of tigers in the region so is an even better bet for seeing one. An elephant safari will get you really close to all the animals.

Volunteering is a great way to give something back to a region, so here are a few good resources to get you started: concernindiafoundation.org, indianngos.com and the volunteering section of the Lonely Planet India guide. In northern India, try Animal Aid Unlimited (animalaidunlimited.com) in Udaipur.

The animal hospital accepts volunteers from around the world to help with injured, stray and abandoned animals.

TIP

OF THE

PISS-UP IN PARIS WEEK My boyfriend and I went to Paris last year for what was supposed to be a ‘quiet, romantic celebration’, but we ended up meeting a bunch of Parisians and getting wrecked near the Eiffel Tower. Best New Year’s Eve ever!

Sally Hunter, via email SERBIAN CELEBRATIONS If you’re brave enough, go to Belgrade, the capital of Serbia, for the holiday period. Those guys really know how to drink. My friends and I were there a few years ago for New Year’s Eve, but I can’t remember a bloody thing after about 10.30pm – I’m pretty sure I had a good time but I’d be willing to give it another go to be certain.

Pete Potts, via email

A LONELY PLANET GUIDE

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Lonely Planet’s Laura Lindsay will give you the benefit of her infinite wisdom if you email a question to traveltips@tntmagazine.com.

If your question is answered, you’ll win a Lonely Planet guide of your choice.

This is a reader forum — TNT and Lonely Planet accepts no responsibility for any loss, injury or inconvenience sustained by anyone using the information provided.

Photo: Thinkstock

Birmingham, where you can warm your insides up with some of the fieriest curries in the land in the ‘Balti Triangle,’ an area just southeast of the city centre with 50-plus restaurants – Brummies pride themselves on being able to spoon up the spiciest sauces without breaking a sweat.

From Birmingham, take a short trip to Stratford-upon-Avon. This pretty riverside town is bursting with history as it’s the birthplace of William Shakespeare – you can visit his home, school and grave while you’re here.

Then continue north to York where you could try to catch a traditional carol concert at medieval cathedral York Minster to get you in the Christmas spirit. Everyone loves a pantomime, so you could try and catch one of the classics while you’re there too – Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are both on in the city this year.

From here you can get a direct train to Newcastle and visit Northumberland. If you can take the cold, a walk along Hadrian’s Wall is a highlight, as is Alnwick Castle, which was the set for Hogwarts in the Harry Potter films. From here a 90-minute train will take you to Edinburgh for Christmas and New Year.

READERS’ TIPS ON NYE PARTIES

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WHERE IN THE WORLD?

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A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

Been somewhere good lately?

Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world.

Files must be at least 500Kb.

CLIFFS OF MOHER, IRELAND Lincoln Bates, from Australia

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

SARAH MORPURGO, 22

JACK ST JOHN, 22

London, England

London, England

BEST I stayed in the mountains of Morocco for two weeks at a hostel that offered a cheaper rate if you slept on the roof. It was amazing to sleep under the stars, and I met a load of interesting people, too.

Your most memorable travel experience?

Couchsurfing in California. Everyone there was just so generous.

Ideal travel partner? My sister, probably.

I know her really well and we get on, which is important when you’re travelling.

Weirdest experience? I was couchsurfing and the guy I was staying with said, “Just so it’s clear, I’m doing a nude painting of you.” Later, when I checked his profile online, it said he does naked sketches of everyone who stays with him.

WORST When I went to India with my friend, we decided not to bother getting the rabies jab. I ended up wishing I had when we found ourselves surrounded by a huge pack of snarling wild dogs. We were bricking it! » Tell us your best/worst trips, email helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

SPLASHING OUT

Photos: Thinkstock

BREATHTAKING BURMA A two-week tour of the country’s best temples, monasteries and markets, plus a cruise on the Irrawaddy river.

A 14-night tour costs £2795pp with Voyages Jules Verne (0845 1667035; vjv.com). Includes return flights, B&B accommodation and walking tours of Yangon. Deal is based on two people sharing.

Departures throughout 2013, starting May 20.

THE INSIDER

MANDY ROUND General manager easyJet Holidays

My first ever big trip was a two-week Club Class holiday to Jamaica, which I won at work. I took my sister and we stayed in hotels where we had a maid and a butler, quite a surreal experience for two 17-year-olds.

My most challenging travel experience was meeting with senior dignitaries in Hong Kong and being served a local delicacy, which I believed to be noodles, and finding out after putting some in my mouth that they were in fact worms.

The next trip on my travel wishlist is either Vietnam or Venezuela – nothing to do with the alphabet.

My guilty travel pleasure is my iPod with all my favourite songs – it’s a must for any sunbed I happen to be on.

I always pack too much. A girl needs shoes! I work for an airline but 20kg is simply not enough.

My favourite place in the world is Virgin Islands – a group of us girls went bareboat sailing there and caused quite a stir.

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Paris’ Champs-Elysees: celebratory street parties [Caption]

New Year’s parties EUROPE

Shining night: a Berlin laser show; right, packed crowds in Istanbul; above, Las Ramblas, Barcelona 66

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Party ’til 2013 Want to make next year your best yet? Start it as you mean to go on, with a night to remember in one of Europe’s top party spots WORDS HELEN ELFER

New Year’s Eve is always one of the most epic nights out of the year. A blur of champagne and shots, dancing and party poppers and, of course, throwing your arms around your besties (or people you just met a few hours earlier) and telling them you love them. So how about going one better this year and taking the party overseas? All across Europe there are seriously banging celebrations going on to usher in 2013, so make this your best NYE yet and choose from one of these fabulous bashes.

Berlin THE SCENE: In Germany, the end of year festivities are called Saint Sylvester’s Day. Berliners hold what might just be the biggest outdoor bash in the world – the ‘party mile’ stretches from the famous Brandenburg Gate to the Victory Column.

Stay along this route and it’s guaranteed you’ll never be more than a few feet away from your next drink.

MIDNIGHT: Berlin really goes for hi-tech light shows as well as fireworks at the stroke of midnight. As the hour approaches, find a place to party in a spot where you can see the Brandenburg Gate, as it will be illuminated with brightly coloured laser beams. Then all you need to do is make sure you have a glass of Sekt, Germany’s top sparkling wine, in your hand to see in 2013.

AFTER HOURS: You’ll be spoiled for choice if you want to spend the rest of the night dancing, as Berlin is still Europe’s clubbing capital. Get your techno head on and pile into one of the huge nightclubs such as Tresor (tresorberlin.com) and, if you think you can take on the infamously tough bouncer, Berghain (berghain.de), until it’s light outside.

level. Grab a stranger, a loved one, or whoever takes your fancy, and pucker up. Bonne année!

AFTER HOURS: A long night out in clubs is likely to be pretty expensive, so try and get the bulk of your boozing done before you hit the afterparties. Lots of the biggest clubs around the Champs-Elysees area will have gigantic queues, so make sure you book tickets in advance.

Amsterdam THE SCENE: The biggest “oud en nieuw” (old and new) party in the city is at Museumplein, a square which draws crowds of up to 40,000 and is broadcast on national TV. Amsterdammers tend to go in for traditional New Year’s Eve snacks of oliebollen (sugar-coated doughnuts) and appelflappen (apple fritters), and this is the time to get stuck into them – before the serious drinking begins.

MIDNIGHT: The best place to watch the official fireworks display over the Amstel River is from the Magere Brug (Skinny Bridge), but there are also big, wilder displays ›› around Niewmarket, Amsterdam’s Chinatown, where

Paris THE SCENE: Celebrations in Paris start early in the evening, usually with an enormous dinner with family and friends.

Then everyone heads out for the night and central Paris turns into one giant street party. Do as the Parisians do – wrap up warm, grab plastic flutes and a few bottles of the nicest bubbles your budget will allow and find yourself somewhere scenic to settle in.

MIDNIGHT: Big crowds gather around the Eiffel Tower, the Champs-Elysees and Montmatre, where there are spectacular fireworks displays. Smooching is big in Paris all year round, obviously, but on NYE the French take it to a whole new

Hair-raising: best do your make-up before going out

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firecrackers are let off in gardens and up and down the streets with reckless abandon.

AFTER HOURS: It’s all about seeing the night through here, so carry on the celebrations in one of the city’s megaclubs, such as the ever-pumping Paradiso (paradiso.nl). Bear in mind you’ll need to book party tickets well in advance – and be prepared to shell out as club entrance fees go through the roof.

SORE HEAD? TRY A EUROPEAN HANGOVER CURE

Barcelona THE SCENE: Barcelona’s celebrations start late, and many people prefer to see in the new year at home with family before heading out to ‘cotillones de nochevieja’ parties – ‘cotillion’ means party gear such as confetti, hats and tooters, so you get the kind of bash we’re talking about. Bring on the cheesy dancing ...

MIDNIGHT: At each chime of the clock at midnight, Spaniards eat a grape. The tradition started last century when grape growers in Alicante would gobble down their surplus produce when they’d had a bumper year and now it’s become a good luck tradition for the new year. Of course, you can always choose to consume your grapes in liquid form instead – swigging some vino is probably a much more fun way to celebrate.

AFTER HOURS: The areas around Plaça de Catalunya and Las Ramblas go absolutely nuts in the small hours, with people carrying on the festivities in the streets as well as the bars and clubs. Had enough of the clubs? Head to the beach to see in the first few hours of 2013 while sitting on the sands.

Istanbul THE SCENE: The New Year’s celebrations in Istanbul seem to grow every year. Street parties pop up all over the city, but the biggest, complete with DJs, bands and light shows, is at Nisantasi’s Abdi Ipekçi Avenue. Crowds gather here from about 10pm, armed with plenty of shop-bought booze.

MIDNIGHT: The city puts on a sensational fireworks display at midnight, and the most atmospheric place to see the show is at Taksim Square. Those staying sober lap around the surrounding streets in their cars, beeping their horns in celebration, while everyone in the square cheers, dances the halay and toasts the coming 12 months.

AFTER HOURS: Time to hit the local bars for shots of raki, dancing, watching whirling dervishes and making merry until the small hours. ❚

Old faithful: sometimes only a fry-up will do the trick. Fact Feel like you need a chisel to get your eyes open? Can’t remember anything after 2am? You’re going to need one helluva breakfast or remedy to get back on your feet and face the next day, let alone another year – one of these amazing European cures should do the trick.

RU-21 The effects of these little pills are dubious, but they were apparently originally developed in Russia to keep KGB agents sober while they got their contacts smashed enough to prise secrets out of them. Now it’s a popular hangover cure, but needs to be taken before or while drinking to prevent the next morning’s nausea and headaches.

NIKOLASCHKA Another Russian cure, this time allegedly invented by Tsar Nicholas II, is the Nikolaschka. Relying heavily on the “hair of the dog” method of recovery, it’s basically a slice of lemon topped with sugar and ground coffee beans eaten in one bite and washed down with vodka or brandy. Only for the strong of stomach.

ZUREK Poles swear by a hefty bowl of Zurek, or white borscht, to blast away that morning-after fog. It’s a rye-based sour soup that is traditionally served at the end of a wedding to sober up the guests.

SPARROW DROPPINGS Yes, you read that right. The hardest of the hardcore in Hungary get rid of their hangovers by dropping a handful of sparrow droppings into a glass of brandy and then banging it back. Eww!

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Photos: Getty, Thinkstock

The morning after the night before

THE FRY-UP Ah, the good old full English never fails. The carbs and protein replenish the nutrients lost through drinking, helping to put you back on the road to recovery. It’s tried and tested.

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TRAVELWEEKENDER

Northern lights This is Newcastle in 48 hours WORDS HELEN ELFER

DAY 1: 10:00 Once your ears have grown accustomed to the inimitable Geordie accent, and your body to the chilly weather, you’ll find Newcastle a brilliant place to spend a weekend. A far cry from its reputation as a grim, industrial, coal mining city, Newcastle is smart, sophisticated and packed with culture and entertainment. Start your day with a good northern fry up at Kafe Neon (full English breakfast £4.50, neoncafe.co.uk) to steel you against the cold.

11:00 Get your bearings with a walk over one of Newcastle’s most famous landmarks, the Tyne Bridge, which crosses the River Tyne in the centre of the city. There are a cluster of other bridges nearby, including the award-winning Millennium Bridge, nicknamed the Blinking Bridge because it opens like an eyelid to let boats pass.

12:00 The Laing Art Gallery (twmuseums.org.uk) is packed with collections of world-class paintings and sculptures which you can see free of charge. Go and admire the Henry Moore and Paul Gauguin works.

14:00 Get stuck into a hefty portion of mussels or fish and chips from great-value seafood grill The Big Mussel (mains from £5.50 before 7pm, bigmussel.co.uk). The atmosphere here is laid-back and cheerful.

15:00 Fancy delving into a bit of northern history? Visit the Castle Keep (entry £4, castlekeep-newcastle.org.uk), which was built by Henry II between 1168-1178, and is one of the best-preserved examples of a Norman keep in England.

16:00 While you’re there, stop by Newcastle’s iconic Black Gate (oldnewcastle.org.uk). The last addition to the medieval castle defences, it was added by Henry III in 1250.

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17:00 Just a few hundred metres away is The Cathedral Church of St Nicholas (stnicholascathedral.co.uk), England’s most northerly cathedral. Inside are beautiful stained glass windows from the late 19th century.

19:00 Treat yourself to a slap-up dinner at The Cherry Tree (mains from £11.50, thecherrytreejesmond.co.uk) where the meaty menu offers crispy belly pork, five-spice roasted duck and a rib-eye steak for two to share.

21:00 The city’s nightlife is notoriously raucous, so after filling your boots, join the revellers down at The Quayside, where every chain bar in England seems to be represented.

Want a dirty, boozy evening of Aftershock shots and twofor-one blue WKDs? Head to branches of Pitcher and Piano, Wetherspoon’s, Tiger Tiger and The Slug and Lettuce. All will be jam-packed on a Saturday night, but if you’d rather drink somewhere a little less generic, opt for World Headquarters (admission £5, drinks about £3, welovewhq.com), where alternative DJs and bands play until 5am.

DAY 2: 10:00 After a good night’s rest at cosy B&B The Cumberland Arms (double rooms from £80pn based on two sharing, thecumberlandarms.co.uk) get stuck into their continental breakfast to ready you for the day ahead.

11:00 Start off your day’s adventures with a meander round the Sunday Quayside Market, where you can pick up quirky threads from local designers, jewellery and artwork from the stalls along the waterfront.

12:00 If you’re after somewhere a bit out of the ordinary for a leisurely lunch, head to Blackfriars (mains from £9,

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Photos: TNT, Getty, Thinkstock

Angelic or flasher? You decide

blackfriarsrestaurant.co.uk) which is set in a former 13th-century Dominican Monastery. Quintessentially British dishes are what this restaurant does best, so tuck into bangers and mash with onion gravy or North Sea fishcakes.

13:30 You’ll soon notice that Geordies are football mad, and naturally their loyalties lie with Newcastle FC. Take a tour of the football clubs stadium, St James’ Park (£10, nufc.co.uk) to see the dugouts, players’ changing rooms and the views from the highest point in the venue.

13:00 If that’s not enough footie for you, make your way to the Life Science Centre (entry £7.95, life.org.uk) for a go on the Motion Ride, a simulator that lets you ‘feel’ what it’s like to score a goal at St James’ Park.

17:00 It might be a little out of your way, but a quick drive on the A1 to see the famous steel sculpture, Angel of the North, has to be squeezed into your weekend, and now’s a good time. At 20m tall and weighing 200 tonnes, it’s an impressive sight. Geordies also call it the ‘Gateshead Flasher’ because of its posture.

18:00 Hungry? Stop in at The Living Room (mains from £9.50, thelivingroom.co.uk) for a reliably decent gourmet burger and a few glasses of wine.

19:00 Then finish off your weekend with a few belly laughs at Jongleurs Comedy Club (jongleurs.com), where top UK comedians crack jokes that are the perfect combination of obscene and offensive, but still hilarious.

Trains run from London King’s Cross to Newcastle from £68.50 return thetrainline.com

Cheers: beers at the Quayside

Art attack: explore the Laing Gallery TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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King of the world: on a Wadi Rum mountain top

Wadi Rum and Feynan JORDAN

AMMAN

GETTING THERE Fly easyJet from London Gatwick to Amman’s Queen Alia International Airport from £108pp return. easyjet.com

JORDAN Wadi Rum

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BIGTRIP

Arabian adventures Fifty years since epic film Lawrence Of Arabia was released, we brave the hero’s sandy trail through Jordan’s deserts and canyons WORDS ORLANDO CROWCROFT

WHEN TO GO: The best time to visit Jordan is September to We’re racing through the dramatic landscape Jordan. Today, Wadi Rum is crowded with March, to avoid the worst of the of Wadi Rum, a vast, empty valley cut into American and German tourists wielding heat and most of the European the sand and limestone of the southern SLR cameras and ubiquitous trucks full of school holiday crowds.

Jordanian desert. Six of us are bouncing sunburned Brits trying a bit too hard in their around the back of an ancient Toyota ute local Bedouin garb, but that doesn’t diminish CURRENCY: £1= JOD 1.13 while our driver, Mahmoud, is waving and the historical significance of the site. Many (Jordanian Dinar) screaming through the window at a truck of the guides working here can proudly trace ACCOMMODATION: 200 metres in front. He must be doing 50mph Captain’s Desert Camp, Wadi Rum their lineage back to the time of TE Lawrence on the soft sand, pounding the horn, rolling – in fact, Mahmoud’s great-grandfather was (captains-jo.com), costs £25pppn, over dunes and through bushes like a man a tribal sheikh who fought alongside the with three meals included. possessed. I figure something really serious British liaison to the Arab Revolt.

Most flights from London arrive in has got to be going on – maybe we’re Our detour complete, we set off again Amman. Stay at the Abbasi Palace running out of fuel or perhaps these guys in the truck, clinging to its open sides as (abbasipalace.hostel.com) for want to kill each other over some ancient £14pn. The owners of this excellent Mahmoud roars across the desert. Lawrence Bedouin blood feud. may have done this on a camel – usually on hostel can organise tours to The vehicle ahead of us finally stops and the run from heavily armed Turks – but as anywhere in Jordan.

Mahmoud swings open the door and tears the midday sun beats down and sand fills SEE: visitjordan.com across the sand with Ibrahim, our Jordanian our noses and mouths, we can’t imagine the guide, in tow. Ibrahim’s tribe is from near Wadi Rum, setting has changed much in the past 80 years – or, in fact, although since he’s sporting a German football shirt and since the dawn of time. The valley of colossal rocks strikes me flip-flops, you wouldn’t know it. Mahmoud, like the two as appearing primeval, with its unearthly palette of pinks, Bedouins who now emerge from the other truck smiling reds and oranges striking against the bright blue sky. Then, and shouting greetings, is wearing traditional robes and a in the distance, we see a smattering of tents and a pick-up keffiyeh headscarf. The four men take each other by the truck, with two young men in white robes sitting around a hands, pecking each other on the cheeks and chatting softly shisha pipe. in Arabic. After a few minutes, they amble back over the This turns out to be our lunch destination, right by the sand to us, looking relaxed. “What was that about?” one of iconic Burdah Rock Bridge, a narrow ledge joining two 30ftour party asks. “That’s the sheikh of this part of Wadi Rum,” high rock formations. Before we can eat anything, however, Ibrahim explains, with obvious reverence. Mahmoud beams, Mahmoud challenges the group to an impromptu climbing “We just wanted to say hello.” It is the first of many displays race. No one seems keen, but I think of Peter O’Toole’s of stop-at-nothing Bedouin warmth that we are to see character in Lawrence Of Arabia, who refuses to drink water during our time in Jordan. during a trek across the desert in solidarity with his guide.

It has been almost 100 years since the legendary British The message was clear: do as your hosts do. So I decide to army officer and adventurer TE Lawrence marched an Arab take him up on his offer. army over this epic desert, but the Welsh-born soldier’s A second later and Mahmoud has kicked away his flipshadow looms large – and not just as a way of selling flops and is off, charging barefoot up the 45-degree jagged package tours to European tour groups like us. This year is rock. I take off after him, determined not to be beaten, the 50th anniversary of Lawrence Of Arabia, the 1963 Oscarbarely looking ahead as I run up the rapidly steepening winning film classic about his life and time fighting alongside slope. He’s already waiting halfway up, though, screaming Arab irregular troops in the First World War. Our trip will “yallah”, Arabic for “come on”, and laughing as I stop, retrace some of his steps across the deserts of southern double over and gasp for air. He entertains the onlookers ›› TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Clockwise: clowning around on the Wadi Rum Rock Bridge; a mobile dining hall serving up lunch; and tearing though the Wadi’s sands by jumping up and down on the narrow rock bridge high above them. I laugh to try and mask my terror of heights.

I learn quickly that Mahmoud is typical of young Bedouins in this area – on one hand boisterous and macho, on the other knowledgeable and urbane after a generation of contact with international tourists. As we climb down together he even invites me to connect on Facebook.

The desert sun beats down on the tent as we sit in a circle around a vast plate of chicken and rice, eating with our hands and fighting off flies. Ibrahim is telling a story that has everyone’s attention – clearly his favourite situation to be in – about the time he fought off a hyena in Wadi Rum. He’d seen nothing but its green eyes, staring up from the foot of his sleeping bag, and he’d grabbed a handgun and fired it in the air. “You’re allowed to carry guns in Jordan?” one of his audience interjects. “Of course, everyone has a gun,” Ibrahim says. He turns to the camp owner, a boy of no more than 17, and says, “Show them your gun.” The boy looks nervous and shakes his head. “Come on,” Ibrahim taunts, “show them!”

“It’s OK,” I say, “we don’t need to see it.” The boy looks relieved. “I do have one, though,” he adds, sheepishly.

After lunch we drive on to Captain’s Desert Camp, a traditional – albeit touristy – Bedouin camp on the fringes of the desert where we’re to spend the night. It’s thankfully a little more comfortable than our basic, fly-plagued lunch venue, but only a little. A collection of camel hair tents with open fronts set around a courtyard, Captain’s is basic. Cold showers, no phones, no internet – although surprisingly clean toilets. But after a day spent barefoot climbing, sweating and inhaling sand in Wadi Rum, it feels perfect. We are served possibly the best food I have ever eaten – juicy lamb skewers, hot flatbreads, bowls of hummus, fresh salads and strong 74

Arabic coffee – around a roaring camp fire.

One by one people slink off to bed, while blankets are brought out and others fall asleep under a sky littered with stars. The only sound is the bubbling of our hosts’ shisha pipe as they stand guard over the fire.

Having retreated to my tent after some noisy tourists arrived at camp and disturbed our idyllic night, I wake at dawn, gasping for air in a baking hot tent. The fire is still smouldering, the water is still cold and after some bread,

A humpy ride: colourful camels wait in Wadi Rum

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cheese and instant coffee, we’re soon on the road again.

“Wadi Rum was only the beginning of the adventure,” Ibrahim bellows over the top of booming Arab pop music.

Today we head to Feynan, an area of mountains and canyons on the Jordan Valley’s edge, which Ibrahim says is rarely visited, but among the country’s most exhilarating spots.

When we arrive we find Feynan as quiet and empty of tourists as Ibrahim promised. We’re staying in a remote ecolodge, and as night falls we clamber onto the roof of the building to enjoy the night, passing round a hip flask of whiskey and chatting. It’s an especially clear evening and there’s no light pollution whatsoever – it seems only appropriate to lay back, gradually fall silent and gaze up at Jupiter glowing brightly among the rest of the stars.

At only 9pm – it feels much later – Ibrahim and a few hardy others bed down for the night right here on the

“

We’re inspired into wild, reckless feats

”

roof, where a cool breeze keeps the flies at bay. Since our accommodation prides itself on being eco-friendly there’s no power-sapping air conditioning, and with Jordan Valley being one of the lowest areas on earth, the high roof is a far better bet than sweltering, stuffy rooms.

But the peace and wilderness of Feynan isn’t the only reason we’re here. We’re set to learn the daredevil art of canyoning. Ibrahim has given us fair warning that this will not be easy and when I ask if I can bring my camera, he is bemused. ”Anything you bring, you will lose,” he says, shaking his head in disbelief. “I don’t think you understand, this is pretty difficult.”

Ibrahim isn’t kidding. Canyoning turns out to be among the hardest things that anyone in our group has ever done.

It begins with a deceptively leisurely paddle through ankledeep water, before getting really wild – think white water rafting, but going against the current, on foot, uphill.

At some points we’re reduced to tears, partly through ››

Tough tour guide: Ibrahim El-Wahsh

The Insider's guide A former professional boxer, Ibrahim El-Wahsh has been a tour guide since the early-Nineties. He is descended from a northern Bedouin tribe.

What’s the best-kept secret in Jordan?

It has to be canyoning. Firstly, there are rarely any other tourists in Feynan, sometimes you don’t even see other cars. You also get to see a lot of Bedouins, both in the mountains and in the canyons. In the winter there is a lot of water (although some of the routes are closed due to this) and the temperature is perfect. Wadi Rum is no secret, but it is a special place. I like to go there and just sit and think. You can lose yourself there.

And how about the biggest misconception?

That Jordan isn’t safe. I have had two tour groups from the US cancel this month because they are worried about Iran and Israel bombing each other or whatever, but if you look around, you’ll see it is safe.

We are unlucky in terms of our position, with Syria, Iraq, Israel, Lebanon and Iran so close, but we are not those countries. Also, people seem to think that Jordan is expensive. It’s not! Even in Petra you can find a hostel for £4-£5 a night. The admission to Petra (£45) is the only expensive thing in Jordan.

What’s been your most adventurous trip?

Well there is the time with the hyena, of course, but you’ve already heard that one (see main story). But I remember another time when a customer on one of my tours lost her bag at night in the middle of Wadi Rum. I said to wait until the morning to look for it but she said she couldn’t, she was diabetic and she would die without her medicine. We went off looking for it and then, in the middle of nowhere after looking for hours, I tripped over it and hurt my arm quite badly.

That was a close one.

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the exertion and partly from sheer panic; at others, we’re inspired into wild and reckless feats of daring. I take the rope between my legs and use it to haul myself up from one slippery boulder to another, as water sprays over the edge of the canyon into my face. My legs give way and I’m forced to haul myself up with my arms. “Take my hand!” Ibrahim bellows like it’s a Nineties disaster movie. He drags me to the top, with my eyes streaming and a real sense of terror in his.

After what feels like hours and soaked to the skin, we emerge from the canyon slapping each other on the backs and sharing tales like warriors. Our driver, Mohammed, pops open tins of tuna to have with bread, ripe Jordanian tomatoes and date cakes. To those walking past we must look like primitive man as we get stuck in with our hands, but the adrenaline is still pumping and I’ve never been so hungry.

After three days of deserts and canyons, treks and neardeath experiences, I remember a line from Lawrence Of Arabia. Leader of the revolt Prince Faisal, on seeing how the hero has fallen for the arid, rugged landscape, sternly tells him: “There is nothing in the desert – and no man needs nothing.” But after seeing just a little of this wilderness, I have to agree with Lawrence. I’d take nothing any day. ❚

Desert bar: vodka tonic, anyone?

The Hejaz Railway

BEST OF THE REST ADVENTURES IN JORDAN

RIDING THE HEJAZ RAILWAY The Hejaz Railway is the line that once connected Damascus to Mecca via Amman, Wadi Rum and Aqaba, and was famously bombed by TE Lawrence’s troops during the Arab Revolt of 1916-18. It’s not easy to get a ticket, as you have to pick one of the few days of the year when the train is running – keep an eye on the website below for details. You can charter the whole train for yourself, but the whopping cost of £2650 may be a bit of a stretch. jh-railway.com

Photos: Orlando Crowcroft, Thinkstock, Getty, TNT

HOT AIR BALLOONING OVER WADI RUM A beautiful way to take in the spectacular desertscape of Wadi Rum. The hot air balloons take up to 16 people and leave at sunrise, with rides lasting for up to an hour – depending on the weather. It’s a great way to appreciate the immense scale of the region for about £115pp. royalaerosports.com

Abseiling away: canyoning is slippery work

VISITING PETRA The ancient city of Petra appears on the must-do list of most travellers to Jordan. Choose one of the cooler months to visit and admire the magnificent buildings that are carved out of the reddish rocks. It’s a long, sticky walk past all the main sights such as the Treasury and the Monastery, so take a horse or camel ride on your way back out of the city. visitjordan.com

NEXT WEEK Under the sea: The world’s top scuba diving sites Sloping off

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Full itineraries and tour information can be found on our website or by calling our RIĂ&#x20AC;FH )LUVW )HVWLYDO 7UDYHO 1RUWK (QG 5G /RQGRQ : (3 &ORVHVW 7XEH :HVW .HQVLQJWRQ

16/11/12 15:25:12

Hogmanay 4 Day EDINBURGH: 30 DEC - 2 JAN

TRAVEL

Packages from

£239

The biggest celebration of New Year in Europe and not to be missed! We’re Loony Dook specialists too. Coach from London or accom only - Hostel or Hotel.

Hogmanay 5 Day EDINBURGH: 29 DEC - 2 JAN

Packages from

£259

Leaving Saturday morning for this Epic New Years tour in Edinburgh.You’ll have time to sample Stirling Castle, the Torch Light Procession, the Street Party and Loony Dook!

Rugby Tour

NEW ZEALAND V WALES: 24 NOV

Packages from

£159

Day trips £159, coach transport, pre-game party and match tickets. See the RWC holders take on the giants of the Northern Hemisphere Rugby ! Book a SPACESHIP & 2 Match tickets for £375

XMAS Markets

BRUGGES: 8-9 DEC, 15-16 DEC

Packages from

£129

Join us in Brugges and Brussels for the XMAS markets,sip mulled wine,salivate over handmade chocolates and finish the day with a blonde beer! 2 or 3 day hotel/hostel options.

XMAS Egypt

XMAS AND NEW YEAR TOURS

Packages from

£299

Join us in the ancient land of the Pharaohs for a sunny XMAS and/or New Year in Egypt. 9-day and 14-day tour options.

Formerly

5 Day Hogmanay £20 OFF Xmas Markets £10 OFF * one week only * new bookings only

firstfestivaltravel.com 020 7471 6417

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TRAVEL

Christmas & New Year

Christmas in Egypt 9 DAY Egypt Express

8 DAY Nile Discovery

WAS £330

WAS £595

15%

Dep. 23 Dec 2012

£290

NOW

NOW

Dep. 22 Dec 2012

UP TO

Includes US$135 local payment

OFF

£525

Includes US$210 local payment

12 DAY Festive Pharaohs Dep. 22 Dec 2012

Cairo

ONLY

start/finish

£265

L ISRAE N JORDA

St Catherine

SAUDI

Includes Christmas Dinner & Party in Dahab and New Year’s Eve ‘Desert Party’ in a Bedouin tent!

EGYPT

IA 8 ARAB Dahab

Christmas in Europe

D ENGLAN start/finish

London

2

Plus loads more festive & winter trips online...

LANDS NETHER 2 Berlin

10%

Amsterdam

2 Cologne

11 DAY Festive Escape ONLY

Dep. 22 Dec 2012

£795

Includes Christmas markets around Europe and New Year’s Eve in Paris!

90

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

L8291 / Y2992

TNT_1525_Travel.indd 90

OFF

ANY GERM

Baden-Baden

4 DAY Krakow New Year Dep. 29 Dec 2012

£219

Includes walking tour of Krakow with local guide, 3 nights accommodation, 3 breakfasts, 1 dinner & a European trained Topdeck trip leader.

2 DAY Brugge Christmas Markets Dep. 22 Dec 2012

WAS £159 NOW

FRANCE

2

ONLY

Paris 2

£140

Includes return coach from London!

CALL 0845 257 5210

* a E c f

Open 8am-9pm

16/11/12 15:25:16

TNT Golden Backpacks

WINNER

Europe in winter Flash Sale! *limited availability. HURRY!

50%

TRAVEL

Favourite Ski/Winter Operator

OFF

selected departues

EuroClub

18 DAY Winter Getaway

London

Dep. 11, 15 & 27 Dec 2012

M Dresden BELGIU

Prague

2

ANY GERM

Paris 2

Mauthausen

CZECH LIC REPUB

D 1 Salzburg ERLAN SWITZ IA AUSTR

E FRANC

WAS £1250

Swiss Alps 2

£735

2 Venice

Verona

ITALY

2 Pisa Florence Orvieto

Includes £220 food fund

2 Rome

EuroHotel

14 DAY Winter Wonder

ND ENGLA start/finish

London

S RLAND NETHE 2 Amsterdam ANY GERM

Brugge

Dep. 2, 14 & 26 Dec 2012

Includes Paris, Swiss Alps, Verona, Heidelberg, plus more!

M BELGIU 1 Heidelberg Paris 2 Salzburg

E FRANC

1 IA 2 Swiss Alps AUSTR LAND R E Z SWIT ITALY 2 Venice

WAS £1370 NOW

Dresden

Brugge

Includes Florence, Rome, Salzburg, Prague, plus more!

NOW

NDS THERLA NEAmsterdam 2 2 Berlin

ND ENGLA start/finish

£685

Verona Florence

1

2 Rome

Ski Austria 8 DAY Ski Austria FROM

Dep. 22 Dec 2012

£399

What’s Included: 7 breakfasts, 7 nights accommodation, welcome drink on arrival, snow bike pub crawl, traditional Austrian Xmas Dinner during Xmas week, PLUS MORE!

*Terms and conditions apply. Prices quoted are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off the base trip price only, and do not apply to food funds, sailing funds and local payments. Flights not included.

Egypt trip price includes local payment based on $1 = £0.618, which must be paid locally in USD. Exchange rates correct at time of printing, and subject to currency fluctuations, depending when payment is made. See online for full terms and conditions.

TNT_1525_Travel.indd 91

Favourite Big Tour Operator Favourite Ski/Winter Operator Favourite Tour Operator in Western Europe

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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europe

we

FAVOURITE EAST EUROPE & FESTIVAL TOUR OPERATOR 2012

2013 BROCHURE FLEXIBLE COACH NETWORK THROUGH EUROPE

20% OFF* ALL PASSES SAVE up to £166 * Book by 25 Nov. Enter promocode ‘earlybird2013’

OUT NOW FOR A COPY GO TO BUSABOUT.COM/BROCHURE NEWS & VIEWS

/BUSABOUTeurope

FOLLOW US

@busabout

BUSABOUT ADVENTURES

BUSABOUT FESTIVALS

UP TO 20% OFF*

UP TO 50% OFF*

SAVE up to £163

SAVE up to £130

SPAIN, ITALY, IBIZA, CROATIA, GREEK ISLANDS, TURKEY, SCANDINAVIA & THE BALTICS, EGYPT & EASTERN EUROPE

LAS FALLAS, PAMPLONA, OKTOBERFEST & QUEEN’S DAY

* Book by 25 Nov. Enter promocode ‘earlybird2013’

* Book by 25 Nov. Enter promocode ‘earlybird2013’

FOR ALL EARLYBIRD DEALS VISIT:

www.busabout.com/earlybird

TAKE A TRADITIONAL CROATIAN CRUISER WITH ITS LOCAL CREW, THE WARM, CRYSTAL CLEAR WATERS OF THE ADRIATIC, A BUNCH OF TRAVELLERS SEEKING FUN AND ADVENTURE AND ADD A BUSABOUT GUIDE. THE RESULT? ONLY ONE OF THE BEST WEEKS OF YOUR LIFE...

Croatia Island Hopper 8 DAYS FROM £424 Departs Split (May - September)

ay On e-Wers!

Pio n e

Croatia One-Way Sail

8 DAYS FROM £449 Departs Split or Dubrovnik (May - September) WATCH CLIPS

/BusaboutTV

08450 267 514 TNT_1525_Travel.indd 92

Highlights s Anchor up and jump off the boat into the Adriatic

s Sit back with a local beer and watch the yachts come in at Hvar

s Sipping cocktails at the top of s s

a 14th century tower in Krocula Hike to a pirate fortress for panoramic views of Dalmatia Captain the Pirate Cruiser as it sails along the Dalmatian coast

INCLUSIONS: 7 nights’ accommodation, 7 breakfasts, 7 lunches, fuel supplement, island orientation walks, orientations of Split and Dubrovnik, English speaking Busabout Guide and expert local crew.

www.busabout.com

20% * OFF E

SAV 63 1 UP TO £ ures.

13 depart * Valid on all 20e ‘earlybird2013’. od oc om pr Enter V. Book by 25 NO

info@busabout.com 16/11/12 15:25:21

FAVOURITE EAST EUROPE & FESTIVAL TOUR OPERATOR 2012

TRAVEL

Egypt

20% * OFF

ONE-WAY EGYPT 10 DAYS SAVE £128 WAS £638 NOW £510 Cairo, Pyramids Of Giza, Valley Of The Kings & Dahab DEPARTS 24 NOV & 8, 22 DEC * Book by 25 NOV. Enter promocode ‘egypt’.

CHRISTMAS IN PARIS 4 DAYS £349

FESTIVE PARTY TREK 11 DAYS £699

DEPARTS LONDON 24 DECEMBER

(STUDENTS £674)

INCLUSIONS: Busabout Guide, Return coach and

ferry from London to Paris, 3 nights accommodation, 3 breakfasts, Welcome dinner and drink, Paris by night tour by coach, trip to Palace of Versailles with picnic lunch, Christmas dinner, bike tour and river cruise, FREE Lonely Planet guidebook

Morocco MARRAKECH & SAHARA 8 DAYS £574 Marrakech, Gorge Du Dades, Todra Gorge, Sahara Desert Camel Trek & Ouarzazate DEPARTS 24 NOV & 8, 23 DEC

DEPARTS 22 DECEMBER CZECH REPUBLIC, AUSTRIA, SLOVAKIA, HUNGARY & POLAND OPTION 1: Prague to Krakow

OPTION 2: Krakow to Prague

INCLUSIONS: All transportation with

Busabout Guide, 10 nights accommodation and breakfasts, Tour of Auschwitz and Birkenau, Walking tour of Krakow, Christmas and Christmas Eve dinner, Vienna Schnapps museum, FREE Lonely Planet guidebook

NEW YEAR IN AMSTERDAM 4 DAYS £369

MARRAKECH ENCOMPASSED 15 DAYS £834 Marrakech, Rabat, Meknes, Chefchaouen, Fes, Mildelt, Sahara Desert Camel Trek, Ait Benhaddou & Essaouira DEPARTS 1 & 23 DEC

DEPARTS LONDON 30 DECEMBER INCLUSIONS: Busabout Guide, Return coach and ferry from London to Amsterdam, 3 nights accommodation, 3 breakfasts, 1 dinner, orientation walk of Amsterdam town and country bike tour, canal cruise around Amsterdam, FREE Lonely Planet guidebook

FAVOURITE IRELAND TOUR OPERATOR 2012

Our legendary St. Patrick’s packages have been designed to give you an amazing time discovering our stunning country plus the chance to party with us Irish!

15% OFF SAVE UP TO £32 CELTIC ROCKER 5 DAYS (Mondays) FREE F WAS £215 NOW £183 (Students NOW £174)

STUF

BLARNEY CASTLE, CLIFFS OF MOHER, KILLARNEY, INIS MÓR/CONNEMARA Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle & Cliffs of Moher

H UP

WORT

TO

€66

SOUTHERN ROCKER 3 DAYS (Fridays)

CELTIC COMBO 9 DAYS £539

Departs Dublin 15 March

ST PATS PARTY 4 DAYS £199

Departs Dublin 15 March

ST PATS PARTY 4 DAYS £269

WAS £125 NOW £106 (Students NOW £101)

GROUPS OF 4 - SAVE 5% GROUPS OF 10 - SAVE 10%

Departs London 15 March

BLARNEY CASTLE, CLIFFS OF MOHER, GALWAY & DINGLE Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle & Cliffs of Moher * Valid on all 2012 departures. Book by 25 NOV. Enter promocode ‘wintersale’

FREE LONELY PLANET GUIDE TNT_1525_Travel.indd 93

*

TEL: 08450 267 507 INFO@SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM TNTMAGAZINE.COM WWW.SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM

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16/11/12 15:25:27

TRAVEL

Travelling to Europe on a Walkabout?

Cover valid throughout EU and other countries* Cover available for Campers including Vans Cover for periods ranging from 15 days to 1 year No permanent address needed, documents can be emailed Overseas driving licence acceptable *for more detailed information visit

hertsinsurance.com/walkabout 2U FDOO +,& WR GLVFXVV ﾃ？[LEOH FDU LQVXUDQFH for up to 12 months

0800 121 7421

Herts Insurance Consultants Ltd is authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority No 309073

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ST! HE BE AND T T S E IGG THE B INAL, E ORIG H .T ..

ST SKIFE

2 1 0 2 AltimSate white christmas XM the u

XMAS & PARIS NYE COMBO ■ SKIFEST XMAS + PARIS NYE 21 DEC-1 JAN

£649 (self-cater) £729 (all-inclusive) ✔ 7 Nights Risoul ✔ 3 Nights Paris rs Day! ro New Yea Going ret

XMAS – COACH TOUR

£479

£50

GROUP DISCOUNT

21-29 DEC

£549

(all-inc) (self-cater) ■ 9DAYTOUR ✔ Depart London Friday evening ✔ Gets back SAT 29 DEC ✔ 6 days skiing

XMAS – FLIGHT TOUR

Unbeatable skiing

■ 8DAYTOUR

Kosciusko!

NYE – COACH TOUR 0m 18550m 27 nteed a Guarnow!

S

22-29 DEC

£629 (self-cater) £699 (all-inc)

TRAVEL

NEW YEAR’S

10th NYE h igher than Annual

£499

28 DEC-5 JAN

(self-cater) ■ 9DAYTOUR ✔ Depart London Friday evening ✔ 6 days skiing

NYE – FLIGHT TOUR

£579 (all-inc)

29 DEC-4 JAN

£629 (self-cater) £709 (all-inc)

■ 7DAYTOUR

NYE – MAKE YOUR OWN WAY RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS 22-29 DEC ■ 8DAYTOUR

£399 (self-cater) £479 (all-inc)

SKIFEST PRICE INCLUDES ✔ Return transport from London ✔ Optional b’fast & dinner daily in resort ✔ Ski lift pass ✔ Ski/Snowboard hire ✔ Skifest merchandise ✔ Legendary Skifest parties & theme nights ✔ Amazing Xmas & NYE celebrations

XMAS – MAKE YOUR OWN WAY

UNBEATABLE VALUE ■ 8DAYTOUR £369 (self-cater) £439 (all-inc) Book Online at www.thefanatics.com/skifest or call 0207 240 3223 RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS 22-29 DEC

est!

Xmas Day @ Skif

HOGMANAY EUROPE’S NUMBER 1

NYE PARTY!

FOOTBALL

■ 3 Night Hostel

ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE GET BEHIND MARK SCHWARZER AND THE SW6 BOYS! ■ Fulham FC v Tottenham SAT 1 DEC 3PM £55 ■ Fulham FC v Newcastle MON 10 DEC 8PM £43 ■ Fulham FC v Southampton WED 26 DEC 3PM £38 ■ Fulham FC v Swansea SAT 29 DEC 3PM £38

NOW SELLING

2013 TOURS

■ PADDY’S DAY DUBLIN ■ ANZAC DAY ■ CROATIA SAILING ■ RUNNING OF THE BULLS ■ CIAO ITALIA WEEKS ■ GREEK ISLANDS WEEKS

15-18 MAR APRIL JUN-SEP 5-15 JUL JUL-AUG JUL-AUG

£189 fr£199 fr£349 fr£99 fr£299 fr£399

30 DEC-2 JAN

£229

✔ Stay in the heart of Edinburgh’s old town!

■ 3 Night Hotel

30 DEC-2 JAN

£249

✔ Choice of great Edinburgh hotels!

■ 4 Day Coach Tour

30 DEC-2 JAN Hostel £299 Hotel £319

✔ Coaches depart London Sunday morning ✔ Return Wednesday evening (2 Jan) ✔ Accom ideally located in the absolute heart of town ✔ Experienced Fanatics tour reps ✔ Opening night Torchlight Procession & BBQ party ✔ NYE Street Party featuring live music, DJs & 80,000 people! ✔ New Year’s Day Loony Dook swim

BOOK ONLINE NOW! www.thefanatics.com or call 0207 240 3223 COVENT GARDEN OFFICE 1st

Floor, 15 New Row, Covent Garden, WC2N 4LD Mon-Fri 9am-6.30pm TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVEL

Next Stop?

CHEAPEST VACCINATIONS ONLINE VACCINATION SEARCH NO CONSULTATION FEE!

WEEKEND BREAKS AND DAY TOURS

Swapping the concrete jungle for the real thing?

1st Contact Travel Clinic can take care of all your travel health needs – with free advice plus vaccinations, tablets and accessories. Low prices, online vaccination search, same day appointments & free consultation.

WEEKEND BREAKS PARIS BY EUROSTAR £219 23rd November. Return Eurostar travel & transfers, 2 nights B&B hotel accom, guided city sightseeing tour, plenty of free time & Tour Manager.

HOLLAND & BELGIUM from £169 7th December. Return coach & ferry travel, visit to Amsterdam & Brugge, B&B + dinner & free bar hotel accom.

AMSTERDAM & BRUGGE from £170

0808 141 2324

11th January. Return coach & ferry travel, sightseeing in Amsterdam & Brugge, 2 nights B&B hotel accommodation, visit to Cheese & Clog factory & Tour Manager.

www.1stcontact.com/clinic tntclinic@1stcontact.com

DAY TRIPS

Castlewood House, 77/91 New Oxford Street, London WC1A 1DG, Tottenham Court Road, direct: 020 7759 5437

¸ Sun 25th Nov - Windsor & Hampton Court Palace from £41 ¸ Sat 8th Dec - A Day in Wales from

41400

¸ Sat 1st Dec - Brugge Christmas Markets from £45

£50

1st Contact Travel Clinic is registered by the Care Quality Commission. Registration number: E010000632. 1st Contact Travel Clinic is a registered Yellow Fever Vaccination Centre by the National Travel Health Network and Centre. Registration number: UKYFVC2800.

¸ Sat 24th Nov - Brugge from £50

PLUS Stonehenge & Bath EVERYDAY. From £50 with entrances to Stonehenge & the Roman Baths included!

UNBEATABLE PRICES

400_Clinic_TNT_qtr_ad.indd

LUXURY MINI COACH TOURS No more than 15 passengers with your choice of pick up anywhere in zone 1! From just £55pp Departing daily:

1

18/06/2010

11

* *NEW* Windsor, Stonehenge & Salisbury * Oxford, Stratford & the Cotswolds

Every Saturday & Sunday: * *NEW* Canterbury, Dover & Dover Castle

www.andersontours.co.uk or call 0207 436 9304 Follow us @andersontours

Anderson Tours is fully bonded

by Client Trust Account

With the African specialists Absolute Africa 30 years overlanding in Africa

Anderson Tours Travel Shop, 81 Charlotte Street, London W1T 4PP

CHRISTMAS & NEW YEAR TOURS Christmas Market Day Trips York by train - Sat 1st & 8th Dec £49 Brugge - Sat 1st & 8th Dec £49

Christmas Breaks Paris by Eurostar - Mon 24th - Thur 27th Dec £299

Post Christmas Break

A whole range of trips incl. game drives in the Masai Mara and the Serengeti, gorilla trekking, guided game walks, rhino trekking, evening game drives and so much more.

Paris & Disneyland - Thur 27th - Sat 29th Dec £199

New Year Breaks Paris By Eurostar - Sat 29th Dec - Mon 1st Jan £299 BOOK ON ANDERSONTOURS.CO.UK OR CALL 0207 436 9304

96

www.absoluteafrica.com Phone: 0208 742 0226 Email: absaf@absoluteafrica.com

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16/11/12 15:25:48

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FREIGHT

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CLASSIFIEDS To advertise call 020 7989 0567 or sales@tntmagazine.com

NANNIES | CARE | CHEFS/BAR/CATERING | TRADES | GENERAL JOBS | TAX | VISAS NANNIES + CARE

Hampstead Nannies POSITIONS AVAILABLE NOW FOR LIVE IN CARE AT £595 PER WEEK! DAILY WORK FOR HEALTH PROFESSIONALS TOO

Live In/Daily Nannies, Mother's Helps, Housekeepers, Mat Nurses Barkat House 116-118 Finchley Road London NW3 5HT Finchley Road

Tel: 020 7433 2525/26

LIVE-IN AND DAILY CARERS URGENTLY NEEDED NOW EARN £5345++ EARN DOUBLE OVER XMAS & NEW YEAR!!

Try us first as we’ll really look after YOU as well as helping you look after our clients!!!

Lots of live-in and daily care jobs available now – top rates of pay & immediate start possible.

Here’s just a small selection:

HOTS JOB

HENDON, NW4: Live-in carer reqd for a lovely lady LADBROKE GROVE, W11: Daily carer required CRICKLEWOOD, NW2: Live-in carer for GR8 lady GOLDERS GREEN, NW11: Live-in carer reqd. ASAP

+ WEEKEND CARERS URGENTLY NEEDED NOW! LONDON JOBS ALWAYS AVAILABLE!

care à la carte Rated Excellent

caring since 1994

: 020 8202 1030

“your passport to really rewarding work”

ARE YOU

JOB HUNTING? Over 7,000 new jobs JOBS.CO.UK

Solving your recruitment problems!

102 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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CARE WORK

CARE WORK

CLASSIFIEDS

LIVE-IN CARERS REQUIRED EARN UP TO £560.00 PER WEEK RECRUITING NOW FOR CHRISTMAS & NEW YEAR Nurses and experienced carers needed to join our friendly team to help make a difference in someone’s life - Self-employed. Experience not always essential - Flexible dates, fit travel plans around work - Client specific training - Great support from our experienced team

Please call: 020 7183 6686 www.trinityhomecare.co.uk Office located in Wimbledon

Trusted to care since 1996

ARE YOU JOB HUNTING? JOBS Solving your recruitment problems!

GENERAL EMPLOYMENT

EARN UP TO: £1,500.00 IN 4 WEEKS !!

• Plus FREE accommodation • Plus FREE meals and transport • Plus have a FANTASTIC time!

We are Best Parties Ever Ltd and we run spectacular Christmas Parties from the end of November and throughout December in 19 venues across the UK.We promise you a fun environment in which to work, good rates of pay, free accommodation and free meals

Work starts late November and finishes before Christmas Day. To apply, meet up with us between 11.30am – 4pm for an informal interview on one of the following days, bringing with you a valid work visa and passport.

If you are unable to bring these items with you, we will not be able to interview you.

For more info visit www.bestpartiesever.com

Friday, 9th November & Wednesday, 14th November At :The Walkabout Inn, 11 Henrietta Street, Covent Garden London WC2E 8PS TNTMAGAZINE.COM 103

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CLASSIFIEDS

CHEFS/BAR/CATERING

HOMESICK AUSSIE

CHEF DE PARTIES AND ABOVE REQUIRED FOR ONGOING CASUAL WORK IN THE LEAD UP TO THE BUSY CHRISTMAS PERIOD Casual/ Freelance chef de parties and above needed for 5* Hotels, Restaurants and Event Caterers. £9 - £15 per hour

POP UP RESTAURANTS / FESTIVALS / 4-5 STAR HOTELS AND EVENT CATERERS lLtd Company and Self Employed Welcome lWeekly Pay lVaried Hours lOngoing Work lLevel 2 Hyg Cert lLegality to Work Ess. Apply by CV sarah@heatlondon.com | malin@heatlondon.com

www.heatlondon.com

Professional Chef de Parties required for Event Catering companies within Central London. £9.00-£12.50 p/h. Weekly pay, flexible hours, 7 days p/w.

CV, Qual, Passport, Hyg Cert ess.

Tel: 0208 946 6342 or 0208 944 1609 Email: claire@claireschefs.com (Agy)

LIVE-IN JOBS Call Dee Cooper for immediate Bar/waiting live - in jobs across England & Scotland. Jobs in everyday for couples and singles plus great chef jobs too!

Call 01764 670001 or email dee@livein-jobs.demon.co.uk

GENERAL EMPLOYMENT SENIOR BOOK KEEPER

Toodle-oo Aussies!

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Post your message at tntmagazine.com/seeking or email seeking@tntmagazine.com. Text TNT and your message to 81707* OH FOR A SCHOONER: Dear GB, I love you and I especially love your pints, but not for lager.

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comment. You also ‘like’ the photos of mine that I hate, but alas, you are never in them. I think we should fix this, get off Facebook and get off properly with each other. Will GET IT WHILE IT’S HOT: This is a call out for any chicks that want a piece of the Sterlingmeister! Me and Vaughn-Dog need a bit of action but we can’t be arsed to go out looking. If you’re free and fancy some no strings then give me a shout. There is no point telling you what we look like as I know you won’t be able to resist us. Just remember, me and Vaughny

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SUCK IT UP: We didn’t mind when you moved in and proved to be the laziest, filthiest, smelliest person that had ever graced the earth. We didn’t mind it when you proved yourself totally incapable of washing a dish, ever. We didn’t even mind when your shoes reeked so much that they could be smelled from two floors away. We DID mind when you cleaned up the cat’s sick with the hoover. You’re an asshole, Smitty. She-Bu Massive BANGIN’ NIGHT: Fireworks are great, November 5 is a fantastic British tradition, but to the person who thought it was a good idea to let off theirs at 2am – your passion for Guy Fawkes is unsurpassed, but not terribly appreciated. I will look forward to you knocking on my door with mince pies and Xmas gifts at the end of January. A-Dog POLESTER: I’ve never felt so useful than yesterday on a packed Piccadilly line Tube from Finsbury Park, when two suited girls with tiny arms asked sheepishly if they could use me as a handrail to stop them from falling over until King’s Cross. This is surely against the ‘no interaction on the Tube’ code. Thankfully, there was no ‘movement’. Maybe I should go into business. Sturdy Eddie OPEN CALL OUT: Does anyone wanna go on a trip somewhere crazy and get fucked up? I’m sick of my mates wanting to go to shitty beaches in Greece and Spain to stare at pasty old English chicks – if I want beaches I’ll go back to Oz and if I want pasty Brits I’ll look at my girlfriend. Harry

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