TNT Magazine / Issue 1526

Nov 26-Dec 2 2012 Issue 1526 tntmagazine.com

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VIP TICKETS TO THE STAR-STUDDED SOVIET NUTS AWARD PARTY

DIVE INTO THE BLUE The world’s best scuba spots

PUT DOWN THE SOCKS 100+ ideas for top Crimbo presents

AMERICAN IDIOT ROCKS Green Day stage show comes to town

S C I L O R F E V FESTI

st events le o o c ’s n o d n r guide to Lo u o h it w s a ing Christm k c a r c a e v a H + HOCKEY LEGEND JAMIE DWYER TRAVEL DEALS TOP 5 BOOZE TOURS UK XMAS MARKETS

TNT 1526 Cover.indd 1

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CALL 0845 257 5210 *Terms and conditions apply. Prices quoted are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off the base trip price only, and do not apply to food funds, sailing funds and local payments. Flights not included. Exchange rates correct at time of printing, and subject to currency fluctuations, depending when payment is made. See online for full terms and conditions.

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CAROL DRIVER GROUP EDITOR carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER You can’t ignore it, the C-word, it’s not going away, so you may as well embrace it – that’s what we’ve decided here at TNT Towers, which is why this week’s mag has received a festive makeover. For the best of what London’s got to offer in the run-up to Christmas, check out P8. Or if you’re stuck for what to buy that awkward person in your life, turn to P36 for quirky gift ideas. And on P66 is where you’ll find our guide to the UK’s best festive markets. Enjoy!

THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

4-5

LONDONNEWS

6

MY LONDON DRINK & EATS

14-15

@TNT

16

SPOTTED

19

LONDON SOUND

20-21

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

22-23

COMPETITION

24

CHATROOM DALLAS CAMPBELL

25

LONDON SCENE

26-27

LONDON FOCUS

28

SPARE TIME

32

LIFESTYLE

33-47

SHOPPING

33

XMAS GIFT GUIDE

34-37

HEALTH & BEAUTY

38-39

CAREERS

40-41

LIVING

46-47

NEWS & SPORT

48-58

TRAVEL

61-84

DIARY

62

NEWS

63

UK TRIP

Photos: Getty; Thinkstock Cover: Thinkstock

12

64-65

LATE DEALS

66

HOTSHOTS

67

TIPS & STUFF

70-71

SHORTBREAK

72-74

48 HOURS IN... OSLO

78-79

CLASSIFIEDS DESPERATELY SEEKING

85-113 114

80

FEATURES ’TIS THE SEASON

8

Your festive diary is sorted with our pick of must-do events in the run-up to Xmas

SEX, DRUGS, PUNK ROCK

70

28

Behind the scenes of Green Day’s American Idiot before it hits London

CRIMBO WRAPPED

34-39

Stumped? Check out our pick of quirky Christmas presents. You’re welcome

RACISM DOWN UNDER

52

As the Melbourne racist bus rant goes viral, we look at how it could affect Oz

BOOZE TOURS

70

Sip your way around the world with our top five alcohol-infused tours. Hic...

DIVE RIGHT IN

80

From volcanoes to sharks, TNT goes in search of the world’s top scuba sites

28 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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EDITORIAL Group editor Carol Driver Editor Laura Chubb Content editors: Sub/ Sport Michael Gadd Travel Helen Elfer Entertainment Alasdair Morton Web Oliver Jones Social media Dan Thorne Features writer Jade Bremner DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke

LONDONDIARY

follow us on

@tntmagazine

Back in black: Kiwi House party returns

Acting picture researcher Ruth Board DIGITAL & IT Head of digital marketing and development Syed Ahmad SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events executive Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh TNT MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst PUBLISHER TNT Multimedia Limited DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP SAPA NZPA PICTURES Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 16 Brune St, London, E1 7NJ tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com SALES ENQUIRIES

PHONE 020 7989 0567 EMAIL sales@tntmagazine.com WHERE TO GET TNT

COVER PRICE: £1 where sold SEE tntmagazine.com/findtnt for pick-up points or tntmagazine.com/emag to read TNT online SUBSCRIPTIONS AND DISTRIBUTION Caroline Penn 01603 559004 All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

Shhh... SECRET LONDON ALL BLACKS V ENGLAND KIWI HOUSE PARTY EAST LONDON

By popular demand, Kiwi House pop-up returns for the All Blacks game against England this week, and to bring a little bit of festive cheer to these grey isles. There will be but the very finest of Kiwi wine, food and vibes to soak up, along with a live haka, music and entertainment. Top-rated New Zealander band Melic, who recently picked up the illustrious Playmusic 2012 Unsigned Award for Best Group, will be heading up the live line-up with MC, comedian Jarred Christmas, and a host of DJs and special guests until late. £11.50+

December 1, 12noon-6pm & 7pm-1am The Artillery Gardens, EC1Y 4TW Moorgate

JUMBLE AND PEARLS FAYRE

NORDIC FILM FESTIVAL

GOING VIRAL

This vintage and design fayre comes to east London’s The Book Club for the last time this year, with a roster of class talents and designers offering their diverse works.

It’s a great time to get in some early festive shopping, but be warned – get there early before all the best stuff is snapped up.

The first edition of the Nordic film fest in London comes to town with a host of Scandinavian treats from Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Iceland and Norway. Our pick of the lot is Andre Ovredal’s Troll Hunter, which mixes Blair Witch shaky-cam thrills with Norse legends. A furious, funny and fantastical ride.

This exhibition is an art-science project with a very unique and particular brief – to analyse the way our immune systems work.

It’s a collaborative project between six artists and four immunologists, each choosing a different focus (patients, conditions and immunology) for their work.

December 1, 11am-5.30pm The Book Club, EC2A 4RH Old Street wearetbc.com

November 30-December 5 Various venues across London day-for-night.org

Until December 2, 1-8pm Brick Lane Galleries, E1 6HR Old Street bsigoingviral.org

FREE

TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine.

Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers.

Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

00 4

musicglue.com/kiwihousepopup

£5+

FREE

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Dapper: Ian Hislop leads a satirical 2012 round-up

AN EVENING WITH PRIVATE EYE South Bank

HIGNFY’s Ian Hislop leads a panel of satirical voices – including Harry Enfield and John Sessions – for this end-of-year round-up of 12 eventful months. While London 2012 was widely praised as one of the finest Games in recent memory (even Boris must have been impressed) this year has also been blighted by the never-ending Savile/BBC controversy. £5

December 3, 5.45pm National Theatre, SE1 9PX

nationaltheatre.org.uk

ALICE IN POUNDLAND

SCIENCE OF COMMUICATION

Lewis Carroll’s tale gets a filthy, festive makeover in the 12th installment of the annual Battersea Barge pantomime.

Wonderland becomes the high street cheapskate’s favourite venue, and there will be more gags, puns and all-in-a-good-nature grot than you can imagine crammed into a single show.

This month’s Science Museum Lates focuses on the development of human communication and how our lives have become ever more informed and interconnected. The Babble Machine installation looks at radio’s early days, with consideration of how texting and tweeting shapes our lives today. Xcllnt!

December 2-12, 8.30pm Battersea Barge, SW8 5BP Vauxhall ticketweb.co.uk

Wednesday, Nov 28, 6.45pm-10pm Science Museum, SW7 2DD South Kensington sciencemuseum.org.uk

£12.95

Photos: Getty

Waterloo

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FREE

23/11/12 15:15:23

LONDONNEWS DRUNKEN ESCALATOR MAN IS INTERNET HIT A drunken commuter has become a viral sensation after he was caught trying to walk down the up escalator at Tottenham Court Road Tube station.

The incident was filmed by commuter Sam Napper, 27, who described the man as a Japanese businessman who’d had one too many.

“At first I thought he was playing silly buggers with a few of his FX Trader mates but when we saw his dogged stagger and realised he was alone, I knew we were about to witness something truly brilliant.”

Tens of thousands of people viewed the video in a matter of days.

I’m banging the drum for London Mayor of London Boris Johnson defends his six-day trip to India as a fact-finding mission. We’d like to see him give elephant trekking a go

CAPITAL COMMUTE LONGEST IN UK It’s something you probably already knew: Londoners spend more time commuting to their jobs than any other workers in the UK. Staff in the capital travel for an average of 75 minutes a day, according to a study by the TUC union, compared nationally with 52.8 minutes. General Secretary Brendan Barber said bosses should embrace flexible hours to reduce the number of peak-time commuters.

ON THE TUBE

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Horsing around: a naked man mounts the statue of Prince George, in Whitehall, central London, on Friday, bringing traffic to a standstill

Calls to cut casualties

Boris under pressure after 50% rise in cyclists injured in capital Boris Johnson is under pressure after a report revealed the number of cyclists injured on London’s roads has doubled.

Last week, Brian Florey became the 13th person killed while cycling on the capital’s roads. His death came as London Assembly’s transport committee urged Johnson to double the amount spent on cycling in the Transport for London budget.

Figures in the report showed a 50 per cent increase in cyclists injured in the capital between 2006-11. In 2006, there were 2,958 injuries in total, 373 of them serious and 19 fatal. In 2011, there were 4,497 injuries, 555 serious and 16 fatal.

In 2012/13, less than 1 per cent of TfL’s budget was spent on cycling. Other

councils, such as Edinburgh’s, will spend 5 per cent of its transport budget on cycling in the coming years.

The mayor’s office said details of a “major new investment in cycling” would be outlined later this year.

Caroline Pidgeon, chair of the committee, said the mayor should trial “creative ideas” to improve safety.

But Danny Williams, Cyclists In The City blogger, wrote in the Standard: “Enough’s enough: London’s cyclists have suffered too many deaths and serious injuries.

“It’s time for us to invest in a network of safe bicycle routes and to start taking the bicycle seriously. Is that too much to ask from a ‘cycling mayor’?”

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

THIS WEEKEND’S CLOSURES

NORTHERN: No Sunday service between Edgware and Camden Town until 8.30am southbound and 9am northbound

WATERLOO & CITY: No Sunday service

KEEP MISSING SUBSCRIBE NOW FOR FREE! tntmagazine.com/subscribe

6

Consider yourself an explorer? Then this is one not to be missed. The SA Agulhas I – an ice-strengthened polar research vessel – will be docking in London this week before venturing on the “coldest journey on Earth” with Sir Ranulph Fiennes and an expedition team.

En route from Cape Town, South Africa, the ship – which will attempt the first ever winter crossing of the Antarctic – will be moored at Canary Wharf from November 27 until December 3, then alongside HMS Belfast until December 6. It will then return to Cape Town before taking a team of scientists to the Antarctic – a six-month, 2000-mile journey, which will take place mostly in darkness, in temperatures as low as -90C – aiming to raise millions for charity.

Voyage: SA Agulhas I

Photos: Twitter

YOUR TNT?

@tntmagazine

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ANGLO PACIFIC SHIPPING & TAX 30th Anniversary OVER 500,000 SATISFIED CUSTOMERS HAVE ALREADY TRUSTED THEIR POSSESSIONS TO ANGLO PACIFIC, LONDON’S LEADING SHIPPERS EXCESS BAGGAGE > Free supply of tea cartons and bubble > Free delivery/collection within M25 > By sea/air/road worldwide > Money Back Guarantee HOUSEHOLD REMOVALS > Free home survey, no obligation > Packed by skilled professionals > Shared or exclusive containers > Motor car/bike specialist shippers TAX REBATES > Average refund £963 secured last year > Online Tax Pack, only 10% commission MONEY TRANSFERS > Competitive exchange rates FINANCIAL PROTECTION > Bonded by the British Association of Removers > Bonded by the Association of Tax Agents > FIDI Accredited International Mover

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FREEPHONE 0800 151 3511 Anglo Pacific International Plc, 5/9 Willen Field Road, Park Royal, London, NW10 7BQ Email: baggage@anglopacific.co.uk Hours: Mon-Fri 8.30am - 6.00pm Sat 9am-1pm

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Vintage on ice: Somerset House

’Tis the season...

Like it or not, the countdown to Christmas has begun. Here’s where to get an extra dollop of festive fun Words frankie mullin Forget tacky Santas and overplayed festive songs – the run-up to Christmas doesn’t have to be naff. By the time the big day comes around, you’ll have had your fill of mulled wine and all the sparkly lights will be giving you a headache. So as the countdown to Christmas begins, make sure your diary is chock-full of cool activities and mustdo events – luckily, London is brimming with them. Here’s our pick of the best...

Of course you’ll want to go iceskating, but this Christmas, do it in style. Somerset House is joining forces with Vintage Festival to bring retrothemed events to its rink club schedule.

Kicking off this Wednesday for three nights, get into the spirit of the Forties, Fifties and Sixties respectively.

The first event will see DJs Tim Hellzapoppin’ and Rob Be-Bo playing swing and jive; on Thursday, dance teachers and DJs Kav Kavanagh and Suzy Q will be blasting rock ‘n’ roll and rockabilly; while Soul Casino on Friday will see skaters glide to the sounds of deep funk, northern, rare groove, classic soul and authentic R&B. “The Vintage Festival will bring a new dimension to Somerset House,” 8

organiser Jack Hemingway says.

“Hopefully they will be the most glamorous nights it’s seen. We’re encouraging people to dress up – with style spotters giving prizes to those who’ve made the biggest effort.

“It’s great to have a mix of people who are really into the scene and those who just dress up for one night.”

As well as some semblance of a vintage outfit, basic skating skills are probably required, although there are no explicit rules about hanging on to the side all night. However, collisions are inevitable. “There will be a few,” Hemingway adds. “Even before people have a few drinks!”

If you’re not up to clubbing on ice, but like the sound of the vintage nights, spectators are welcome at the bar and you’ll be able to listen to the tunes from the safety of dry land.

Less physically challenging, but mentally more slippery, the Southbank Centre is presenting Australian cabaret performer Meow Meow’s version of The Little Match Girl (Dec 13-20). But the classic tale of a girl who turns to her dreams as she freezes in the cold will be given a firm twist by Meow.

“I’ve used Hans Christian Andersen’s story as a springboard for my show but I was thinking, ‘what if those women left out in the cold had power?’” Meow says. “I’m not just thinking of the frail creature Anderson invented, but a night of wild women on fire. It’s going to be an eyeful!”

Meow warns the audience to expect the unexpected in a show which won rave reviews during its sold-out run at the Sydney Festival. “There may be some high-flying shenanigans, the likes of which I doubt the Queen Liz Hall has ever experienced – and there will be sequins,” she says.

With its singing, dancing and cabaret-inspired performance, the show is high-energy and, with only one day off for Christmas, Meow says: “Usually crowd-surfing is the closest thing I have to a lie-down.” Suddenly, skating sounds easy.

MORE FESTIVE FUN >> Somerset House Ice Rink Club Nights. £8.45+ The Strand, WC2R 1LA Temple somersethouse.org.uk/ice-rink/club-nights Meow Meow’s Little Match Girl. £15+ Southbank Centre, Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX Waterloo southbankcentre.co.uk

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Fancy dress: rock the Forties look

With a twist: Little Match Girl

Buy online at fulhamfc.com or call 0843 208 1234 (option 1) All matches are now on General Sale (excluding Tottenham).

All tickets are subject to availability, terms and conditions apply.

Glamour skating: Somerset House vintage nights

christmas astronomy at the royal observatory greenwich £16 Get ready for a star-studded night with a difference. At this special Royal Observatory Greenwich festive event, you’ll get the opportunity to watch a screening of the Christmas stars planetarium show. Look through the gigantic 18-tonne Victorian telescope at the night sky and get the opportunity to ask your burning astronomyrelated questions.

Dec 12, 14, 15, 19 5.30pm–6.30pm, 6.50pm–8.50pm Blackheath Avenue, SE10 8XJ Cutty Sark rmg.co.uk/royal-observatory

snow white and the seven dwarfs wimbledon

covent garden festivities covent garden Not only will Covent Garden be rocking a 60ft tree and enough lights to rival Vegas, but you’ll be able to hear the dulcet tones of the London Gay Men’s Chorus (every Sat until Xmas), hang out with a reindeer (Saturdays until Dec 17), shop in the food market (Thurs 11am-7pm) and watch the opening of a Lego advent calendar (from Dec 1).

FREE

From Nov 10, times vary Between St Martin’s Lane and Drury Lane, WC2E 8RF Covent Garden; Holborn; Leicester Square coventgardenlondonuk.com

dick! leicester square

tower ice rink tower hill

Characters in this ‘adult panto’ include Sofonda Cox, FitzNicely and Queen Runt and the performance hooks on whether Alice will get Dick.

You get the picture.

Another dramatic setting in which to fall around on the ice, the Tower of London will be open for day and night sessions, set to music, beside the centuries-old gothic castle by the Thames.

£18.50+

natural history museum ice rink south kensington For a romantic, evocative Christmas setting, it’s hard to beat the Natural History Museum’s spectacular ice rink. On one side, huge trees sparkle with lights, on the other, the iconic venue is lit up by floodlights. There’s a kids rink so sprogs are kept at bay and, for those without the necessary skills, a café serving hot drinks, booze and food overlooks the rink.

Nov 29-Jan 20, times vary Leicester Sq Theatre, WC2H 7BX Leicester Square leicestersquaretheatre.com

£9

Until Jan 6. Mon-Wed, 11am10pm, Thurs-Fri, 11am-11pm, Sat 10am-11pm, Sun 10am-10pm Cromwell Road, SW7 5BD South Kensington nhm.ac.uk

10

Ticking all the panto boxes – OTT sets, spangly costumes, singing, dancing and loads of audience participation – Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs promises to be provide full “he’s behind you” satisfaction for those who believe this is a Christmas essential. Celebs on the bill at the New Wimbledon Theatre include Priscilla Presley, in her pantomime and London stage debut, as the Wicked Queen, actor Warwick Davis as Prof and Kiwi comedian Jarred Christmas as Herman the Henchman. £10+

Dec 7- Jan 13, times vary 93 The Broadway, SW19 1QG Wimbledon; South Wimbledon atgtickets.com

£11+

Nov 17-Jan 6, 10am-10pm Tower Bridge, EC3N 4AB Tower Hill hrp.org.uk/toweroflondon

the nutcracker covent garden

Explore the period rooms decorated in traditional Christmas garb.

Recalling the past 400 years of festivities in middle-class homes. Highlights include a candlelight concert, decoration workshop and festive supper. Some events are free, others are ticketed.

Carnaby is teaming up with The Rolling Stones for this year’s Christmas decorations. Giant gold and silver vinyl records emblazoned with the band’s logo will adorn the street.

Telling the take of a young girl swept away into a magical world on Christmas Eve, this ballet – with its spectacular sets and glorious costumes – is hard not to enjoy, even if ballet isn’t your thing. On top of that, visiting the Royal Opera House is an experience in its own right; one best enjoyed with a glass of champagne during the interval.

Nov 27-Jan 6, times vary 136 Kingsland Road, E2 8EA Hoxton geffrye-museum.org.uk

Nov 8-Jan 6 Carnaby Street, W1F 9PS Oxford Circus; Piccadilly Circus carnaby.co.uk

Dec 10-Jan 16, times vary Bow Street, WC2E 9DD Covent Garden roh.org.uk

geffrye museum hoxton FREE

£5+

Carnaby Street Rolling Stones decorations central london FREE

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Great Christmas Pudding Race covent garden

tingle creek christmas festival Sandown park racecourse £15+ As well as horse races, there will be pantomime Sleeping Beauty and a Christmas shop selling gifts from around the globe.

You will be met at the station by a horse and sleigh and, on your arrival, will be serenaded with carols. The Friday is National Brownie Day (yes, it exists) and will be celebrated with free samples of said chocolatey cakes. Yum. Dec 7-8; 11am-3.40pm (last race) Sandown Park, Esher, KT10 9AJ Esher sandown.co.uk

london santa run battersea park Join 2000 other Father Christmases running around Battersea Park. The Santa Run is organised to raise funds for Disability Snowsport UK, a charity helping people with disabilities to access snowsports. The annual 6km event is always exuberant and your running prowess becomes irrelevant given the innate ridiculousness of jogging alongside thousands of adults dressed in red and white.

Costumes are provided. Bring your own beard. £20

Dec 1, 10am Battersea Park, SW11

Battersea Park

Photos: Jeff Busby; Carl Court; Amber Hunt/ photographybyash.co.uk; stephen@positive-images.co.uk; Getty; Jim Marks

Dec 1, 11am Between St Martin’s Lane and Drury Lane, WC2E 8RF Covent Garden xmaspuddingrace.org.uk

209events.com

dick whittington and his cat hackney empire

Camden Lock Night Market camden

Hackney Empire pantos are voted the best in London and this year’s will continue with the winning formula. Celebs include Joanna Riding and Steve Elias.

Buy crafts, jewellery, clothes and other gifts as you sip mulled wine and listen to live music.

This is as pleasurable as Christmas shopping can get.

£10+

St Paul’s Cathedral Christmas carols st paul’s

This weird but funny event has taken place every year since 1980 and sees participants in Christmas fancy dress racing through an obstacle course set up in the Covent Garden Piazza. The winning team will be awarded the prestigious Pudding Trophy.

If you want to join in, get a team of six together and find yourselves at least £100 each in sponsorship (proceeds go to Cancer Research UK). There’s a £25 per person registration fee but it’s free to watch.

FREE

FREE

Dec 1-Jan 6, times vary 291 Mare Street, E8 1EJ Hackney Central; Homerton hackneyempire.co.uk

Thursdays Nov 22-Dec 20, 5pm-10pm Chalk Farm Road, NW1 8AF Camden Town; Camden Road camdenlockmarket.com

winter wonderland hyde park

Religious or not, St Paul’s Cathedral is awe-inspiring. One of the best times to check out the three-centuries-old landmark is at Christmas, when the site of the former Occupy protest comes into its own.

There’s a programme of events that include carol services, choral concerts by the Cathedral Choir and a Christmas Eve service that includes well-known hymns.

hampton court palace ice rink hampton court

greenwich xmas craft market greenwich

There’s room for 250 skaters on the rink in front of the palace – Henry VIII’s Tudor mansion – illuminated at night. Warm up in the bar before and after you brave the ice.

Wander scenic Greenwich Market and shop for handcrafted clothes, toys, art, jewellery and clothes – it’s more Christmassy than ordering gifts online.

Fairground rides, a giant observation wheel, a circus and a slightly Disney-esque Christmas market will keep you busy.

Skate on the UK’s largest ice rink, drink mulled wine and eat market stall delicacies.

New this year is The Magical Ice Kingdom, an exhibition of snow and ice sculptures.

Entry is free, but you’ll have to cough up for rides, skating and shows.

Nov 25-Dec 24, times vary St Paul’s Cathedral, EC4M 8AD St Paul’s; Mansion House stpauls.co.uk

Dec 1-Jan 13, 10am-10pm East Molesey, Surrey, KT8 9AU Hampton Court hamptoncourticerink.com

Until Dec 24, times vary Greenwich Church St, SE10 9HZ Cutty Sark; Greenwich visitgreenwich.org.uk

Until Jan 6, 10am-10pm Hyde Park, W2 2UH Green Park hydeparkwinterwonderland.com

FREE

£11+

FREE

FREE

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MYLONDON

ALL BLACKS vs ENGLAND 01/12/2012

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The most interesting person I’ve met is actor Michael Madsen. I just loved listening to Mr Blonde tell Marlon Brandon tales.

My favourite place for a drink is Biddle Bros [in Lower Clapton]. It’s my local pub.

For when you’re hungover in London you can’t beat the English fry-up for breakfast. I can only eat that when I’ve had too much to drink the night before – I find it amazing how people can put all the wrong things inside their bodies first thing in the morning.

‡ 3LHV %HHU DQG :LQH DQG JUHDW .LZL IRRG 9HQXH This second Kiwi House Pop Up will be located in the heart of The City at The Artillery Gardens, at the stunning HAC, Finsbury Street, off Chiswelll Street, London EC1Y 4TWT. Fully heated high end tent structure with beautifully designed bars, restaurant kitchen, stage and funky sound proofed dance floor.

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My perfect weekend would be a weekend off!

The last naughty thing I did was watch a whole season of Dexter instead of having a day of work at the studio.

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The first thing I think of in the morning is what my last dream was about.

The biggest faux pas I have made was getting caught trying to bunk the really long queue on a Sunday morning at the National Gallery. It was an angry mob, too.

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London’s best-kept secret is the New Empowering Church [in east London].

It’s a great live music venue near London Fields that has a great vibe, great parties and wicked music.

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What baffles me about London is that after all of these years, I still don’t have a clue which way north is.

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RAZ OLSHER

SUN STREET

LIVERPOOL STREET MOORGATE

Tickets and information available from:

www.musicglue.com/kiwihousepopup

Five words that sum up London ... Epic, infinite, historical, multicultural and home. fossilstudios.net / @RazOlsher 12

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Kiwi House is produced and promoted by Contact kiwi@lilyandpiper.com www.lilyandpiper.com

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LONDONDRINKS

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THE OLD QUEEN’S HEAD

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Must-visit: Old Queen’s Head

PUB

As well as being one of the best traditional boozers in the capital, this pub has something going on nearly every night of the week – from a crazy quiz with dirty doodles to its renowned and very lively Morning Ritual Records on Friday.

When you’re not getting wild, this is the perfect place to chow down on pub grub and sip a pint or three. Set over two floors, there are comfortable Chesterfield sofas and ample seating for you and a bunch of mates. But, be warned, this venue is often rammed. If you’re lucky enough to bag a table, stay there or you’ll lose it.

THE GRUB Don’t expect top-notch, fancy meals – this is pub grub in the traditional sense. Order sandwiches (such as the bacon cheeseburger with mustard and ketchup), sides (including mac and cheese) and sliders, or rock up for the Sunday lunch. Choose from a roast of rib of Bowland beef, cornfed Goosnargh chicken, leg of Lonk lamb or there’s a spinach and feta filo for the veggies, which are all served with crispy roasties, veg, yorkshire pudding and gravy.

THE SCENE

There’s a decent cocktail list with delights such as Navy Grog (three rums, lime, grapefruit and honey), as well as local beers, including Hackney Gold.

BILL PLEASE Snacks from £3.50; Sunday lunch from £10; cocktails from £7; beers from £4.20 a bottle and £4.10 a pint; wines from £3.90 a glass.

VERDICT Don’t leave London without checking this out. CAROL DRIVER BEHIND THE BAR

44 Essex Road, Islington, N1 8LN

3 OF THE BEST NOODLE BARS

theoldqueenshead.com

Angel

PHO

NOODLE OODLE

KOYA

Showcasing all the tasty bits from traditional Vietnamese street food, this Spitalfields branch is set in a rickety building, over three bustling floors. Order noodle soup and a bib (yes, they do have them), you’ll need it.

Serving hand-pulled noodles, this Chinese restaurant focuses on healthy eating.

But it doesn’t scrimp on taste – especially the honey-glazed BBQ chicken fried la mian.

Find it next to Tottenham Court Road station.

Slurp udon noodle soup served with meat, fish or veggies at this Soho eatery.

With minimalistic decor, the Japanese venue’s focus is on the food – with its tasty wheat noodles made on the premises every day. Yum.

phocafe.co.uk

noodleoodle.com

koya.co.uk

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BITE SIZE

Top-notch: The Old Brewery

YO! DITCH THE TURKEY The run-up to Christmas doesn’t have to mean stuffing your face silly with roasties and all the trimmings on a daily basis. Instead, banish the brussels with YO! Sushi’s turkey-free lunchtime offering. At £11.50 for two, and set in a Christmas tree-shaped tray, there’s not a roastie in sight. Instead, chow down on a selection of 21 sushi baubles, including classic favourites such as cucumber maki, tuna nigiri and prawn nigiri. Available from Dec 1, your waistline will thank you for it. yosushi.com

MEAT AT MARCO’S Meat lovers rejoice – Marco’s restaurant is launching a special evening just for you. From this week, the south-west London eatery – run by top chef Marco Pierre White – will be running a steak and grill night every Thursday, costing £15pp. Diners will be able to munch their way through top cuts of rib eye, fillets and sirloins.

What’s more, there’s no corkage charge on your first bottle of wine.

Happy days! marcorestaurant.org

MAD AS A HATTER If you’ve got guests visiting this Christmas, take them somewhere fancy. West London’s Sanderson has given its afternoon tea a Mad Hatter makeover (above), offering a fantastic feast with a theatrical theme. Expect king and queen teapots and dainty sandwiches featuring zebras, birdcages and clocks. Then dive into the cakes, ranging from melting mango cheesecake to Jelly Wonderland, for a quirky experience. Tea costs £35pp.

THE OLD BREWERY MODERN BRITISH

Whether you’re a beer connoisseur or a newbie keen to explore more of London’s momentum-gathering craft brew movement, this restaurant set within the Meantime Brewery at Greenwich is custom-made to become your spiritual home. The low-lit space is dominated by the copper-clad vats that produce this trailblazing outfit’s expertly honed brews, and an arty ‘wave’ of Meantime’s trademark sexy curved beer bottles hangs from the ceiling.

THE GRUB There’s a regular menu of hearty British fare with recommended beer pairings, but for a special evening, book in for a beer and food matching night.

This is what I do, turning up for a night dedicated to US craft beers – five courses, each partnered to a brew. The experience starts with an introductory talk, during which I slug back three varieties before any food is proffered. It’s at this point I realise the 12 styles of beer on the schedule (there are four different kinds with the cheese course and a coffee stout to end on) aren’t arriving in taster measures, but substantially topped-up glasses. The revelation instills in me an uneasy blend of delight and alarm (it’s a work night). Food-wise, the home-smoked mackerel and pickled cucumber is luxuriously rich without being overwhelming; the follow-up pork terrine is so-so. I’m amused when the main course, pepper steak, is just that – no accompaniments, just a hulking slab of meat leaking flavour-packed juices and complemented expertly by Anchor Brekle’s Brown ale. When the dessert of lemon posset comes round, I’m too full of froth to finish, but make valiant attempts from the cheese plate, only to be more taken with an accompanying silky Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout. The finale of Flying Dog’s Kujo Imperial Coffee Stout is the best yet, a jet-black temptress which, at 8.9 per cent, sends me home staggering.

THE SCENE

Beer and food matching event costs £50pp. The next one, ‘A Brief History Of IPA’, is on Monday, December 3. Bookings essential.

VERDICT Top food, out-of-this-world brews, stunning value. Essential. LAURA CHUBB BILL PLEASE

sandersonlondon.com Pepys Building, Old Royal Naval College, SE10 NLW

oldbrewerygreenwich.com

Cutty Sark

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LONDONSOUND

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Indie royalty: Gibbard hits London for an intimate solo record show

ALASDAIR MORTON FOR THE RECORD The best thing about viral internet sensations is that they are here one minute, for a funny, entertaining, watercooler convo moment, and then they’re gone. Except no one told Psy that.

The South Korean pop sensation has the most liked video ever on YouTube with Gangnam Style, a totally average, disposable slice of Europop-sounding twaddle. Not good or bad enough to actually be good, yet here he is, months later, still treating us to this nonsense.

His horse riding moves have been parodied the world over, he performed with Madonna and has posed for pics with everyone from Ellen to the UN’s Ban Ki-moon, instructing them on how to best pull off his famed dance. He even, completely inexplicably, appeared at Oxford University earlier this month to talk about Style and his future career.

Enough is enough, it wasn’t even that funny in the first place – it’s definitely time for common sense to resume.

BENJAMIN GIBBARD Union Chapel, N1 2HD MON, DEC 3 | DOORS AT 7.30PM | £21+

As the man behind Death Cab For Cutie and The Postal Service, Ben Gibbard is as close to indie rock royalty as it is possible to find. He’s been making music since the mid-Nineties, which makes it most surprising that Former Lives, out last month, is his first bona fide solo record.

Gibbard started Death Cab as a solo project, and didn’t sign up full-time band members until after the release of his first LP under this name, You Can Play These Songs With Chords (1997). Their sweet, melodic and sincere indie rock earned a steady fan base, and the fourth album, Transatlanticism, mainstream success, before the band developed into a Grammy-nominated outfit with seven albums to their name. Gibbard, arguably, found greater success, though, with the electronictinged side-project The Postal Service. Created with Jimmy Tamborello, also known as Dntel, their album Give Up was label Sub Pop’s best-selling release since Nirvana’s Bleach. Former Lives though is more like Gibbard’s former work (guitars lead the way), albeit one that shows the breadth and diversity of his musical tastes.

“These songs span eight years, three relationships, living in two different places, drinking then not drinking,” Gibbard says of the album. “They’re a side story not a new chapter.” As a snapshot of his life, the album’s considered and reflective, and dips in and out of many different musical genres – pop, indie, folk, acoustic and even country. It maintains his trademark lyrical traits and unmistakable way with a melody. There’s no finer London venue to catch him.

Highbury & Islington

20

unionchapel.org.uk

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FLORENCE + THE MACHINE

NEW BAND

GIG DEC 5 & 6. 6.30PM £29.50

The little lady has wasted no time in establishing herself as one of this decade’s biggest stars.

Just two albums into her career after being nominated for 2009’s BBC Sound Of shortlist, she’s already headlining not one but two nights at the capital’s premiere enormo dome with her gothic, bombastic glamour pop. Good work.

The O2 Peninsula Square, SE10 0DXL North Greenwich theo2.co.uk

4 WEDDINGS AND A DISCO XMAS PARTY

CIRCUS LDN: LAURENT GARNIER PRESENTS LBS

CLUB

CLUB

SAT, DEC 1. 10PM-3AM £6+

FRI, NOV 30. 10PM-8AM £15+

Australia’s number one wedding DJ, Bruce Dunny, breaks out the Christmas tunes as soon as possible this year, with a full 24 days of festive December fun still to go. Expect a top night of pop, party tunes, a ‘first dance’ for one couple, and pineapple and cheese on a stick for the first 50 in the door. Congratulations!

The French pioneer Laurent Garnier will be bringing the final ever London performance of his LBS project to Egg, a combination of DJing and live instrumentation that has pushed the musical envelope. Yousef will be on hand as support, with Circus’ Recording’s Acid Monkeys popping in, too, for an unmissable night.

The Phoenix 377 Cavendish Square, W1G 0PP Oxford Circus feelingloomy.com

Egg 200 York Way, N7 9AX King’s Cross egglondon.net

JAKWOB THE BUZZ SO FAR A multiinstrumentalist who has been making music of one sort or another since he was 10 years old, Jakwob is a compendium of styles, tastes and attitudes. He’s dabbled with folk, jazz and death metal even already, but his latest guise takes in a cinematic, sweeping dubstep approach. He’s remixed the likes of Ellie Goulding, Temper Trap and Usher, and upcoming single Blinding was Zane Lowe’s “Hottest Record In The World”. Now cementing his solo artist status, he’s just completed a first headline tour and has a globetrotting DJ tour lined up next, too.

THE CRITICS SAY “Blinding has capacity for proper chart success” Music City Post THE PLUG

Blinding is out now

Photos: Getty, Ryan Russell

jakwob.com

JAMES IHA

THE UPFRONT PROJECT

DIRTY THREE

GIG

CLUB

GIG

TUES, DEC 4. 7.30PM £17.50

FRI, NOV 30. 9PM-7AM £15+

WED, NOV 28. 7PM £19.50

Iha, who formed Smashing Pumpkins with Billy Corgan many, many moons ago, followed up his 1998 debut solo album with a new alt-rock offering in September’s Look To The Sky, complete with a host of guest performers including Yeah Yeah Yeah’s Karen O, Nina Persson from The Cardigans and Sara, of Tegan and Sara.

Promising a journey through 30 years of electronic music, indie record label and partystarters Audio Doughnut celebrate their second anniversary as part of The Upfront Project. There will be a cornucopia of talent lining up for the night, including Roy Davis Jr, MK (Marc Kinchen), Marshall Jefferson, Ossie (above) and more.

The Aussie instrumental legends have been delighting critics with their impressively unpredictable output since their 1993 self-titled debut. They’ve toured the world, been described

by Nick Cave as his favourite live band, and made eight further albums, including this year’s Towards The Low Sun, their first in seven years.

Bush Hall 310 Uxbridge Road, W12 7LJ Shepherd’s Bush bushhallmusic.co.uk

Fire & Lightbox SW8 1RT & SW8 1SP Vauxhall theupfrontproject.com

O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire Shepherd’s Bush, W12 8TT Shepherd’s Bush o2shepherdsbushempire.co.uk

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CLUBLISTINGS

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MONDAY 26 Between The Buttons DJ Magnetic Paul provides soul and 1950s to 1970s rock ‘n’ roll. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). 7.30pm-late. Free.

Circus LDN House and techno courtesy of Laurent Garnier Presents LBS, Yousef, Acid Mondays and White Jail Lab. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111).

10pm-8am. £20, NUS/mems/Adv £15.

BOOK NOW!

Derrick Carter Does Disco The Chicago DJ spins disco and house, with support from Luke Howard, Terry Farley and Dan Beaumont. Loft Studios, Scrubs Ln, NW10 6QW. 10pm-6am. Adv £15, see www.clubtickets.com/gb/c/ the-loft-studios for details.

Cuban Hideaway DJ Rich plays Latin house, funk and R‘n’B. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 7070). 9.40pm-late. £7.

Hard Core Salsa DJ Mario plays mambo and salsa, plus dance lessons. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277).

7pm-late. £4, free before 9pm.

Pacha Rocks Resident DJs spin house, electro, dubstep and chart in the main room, plus R‘n’B and hip-hop in the Global Room. Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR (0845 371 4489).

Phone for times. Phone for prices.

Popcorn Monday At Heaven Adam Turner, Zach Burns, Terry T-Rex and Jamie Hammond will be among the guest DJs spinning house, pop and techno. On behalf of the Elton John Aids Foundation.

Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020).

11pm-5.30am. £8, £5 before 2am, £4 before 1am.

Service Industry Night Colin Russell and Donald Sweeneey provide R‘n’B, hip-hop and chart. Rumba, Shaftesbury Ave, W1D 7EP (020 7287 2715).

9pm-3am. £7, £5 before midnight, w/payslip free before midnight.

Silence And Noise Ain Bailey, Jockel Liess, Harmergeddon, Luca Nasciuti and flies+flies play electro and experimental.

Power Lunches Arts Cafe, Kingsland Rd, E8 4AA. 8pm-late. Phone for prices, see powerlunchesltd.co.uk for details.

TUESDAY 27

CONNECTED AT CABLE NYE Cable. Dec 31. £15+ The Connected crew bring some of the world’s top house talent, including Marc Kinchen (above), Amine Edge and Matt Fear, to this New Year’s show.

SE1 3JW

London Bridge

WEDNESDAY 28 Aquila Resident DJs spin house, hip-hop, electro, dubstep and mainstream across two rooms. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867).

7.30pm-1.30am. Guestlist £8.

Nachtmusik Presents Moonbootica, Gabriel Ananda, Picture Book and Lord Highowl spin elecronica across two rooms.

XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). 9pm-1am. Adv £10.

Fuzz Resident DJs spin pop, grunge, rock and indie. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424).

7.30pm-late. Free.

Onvision Resident DJs and guests spin deep house and techno. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 10pm-6am. £15, £12 before 1am, NUS/mems/Adv £8.

Hot Wuk Wednesdays Residents play bashment, reggae, dub, dancehall, soca, one-drop reggae, grime and UK funky. The Social, Little Portland St, W1W 7JD (020 7636 4992).

8pm-1am. £7, £5 before 10pm.

Underdog Kris Harris and DJ Valente spin house in the main room, while Hidden.Outside.

The.Box play indie, electronic, dance, and nu-disco in the Global Room. Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR (0845 371 4489).

10pm-late. £7, adv £5.

The Lumerians Psychedelia courtesy of The Lumerians and Vision Fortune. The Waiting Room, Stoke Newington High St, N16 0LH (020 7241 5511).

8pm-midnight. Phone for prices.

Glamorous Afterparty Deep house and electro courtesy of DJs Kaos Kid, Marlon K and Francko Harris.

Covert, Albert Embankment, SE1 7TP (020 7820 6757).

5am-11am. £7, w/flyer £6.

Samba Wednesdays DJ Fred Salgueiro and DJ Bruno spin Latin, funk and Brazilian music, with live performances from Rebecca Vallim and Rio Samba, plus a Samba class with Rosa Nazira.

Guanabara, Parker St, WC2B 5PW (020 7242 8600). 9pm-late. Free.

Paradox Tuesdays Resident DJs spin house and techno.

Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 11pm-6am. £15, £12 before 1am, adv/NUS/mems £8.

Rockin’ Rio DJ Moishe spins Latin beats, rock and indie.

Guanabara, Parker St, WC2B 5PW (020 7242 8600). 5pm-late. Free.

22

BleeD Presents: Before My Eyes DJs Demdike Stare, Raime and Blackest Ever Black spin psychedelic, roots and ambient music. The Waiting Room, Stoke Newington High St, N16 0LH (020 7241 5511).

9pm-2am. £6, adv £4.

Choke Resident DJs play hip-hop, drum ‘n’ bass, electro, indie and grime. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, guestlist £3, NUS/w/flyer £4.

Desire DJs Steven Geller, Bruno Nouer and Sven Jon spin house and electro.

Covert, Albert Embankment, SE1 7TP (020 7820 6757).

3am-11am. £8, w/flyer £6.

Make Noise: Electronic Recycling Tour DJs Benji B, Martelo, Greenmoney, Nic Tasker and Kodiak spin garage, electronica and bass, plus a live performance from Labyrinth Ear. Corsica Studios, Elephant Rd, SE17 1LB (020 7703 4760). 7pm-1am. Free.

cable-london.com

Wednesdays Aruba Red, Joel Culpepper, Abiade, Mr Verde and Emily Rawson supply dubstep, hip-hop and electronica.

Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). Phone for times. Free.

THURSDAY 29 Bad Sex Mayton DJs, Fin Munro and Phaze One spin indie, electro, rock and pop, plus a live performance from Wild Flowers.

Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867). 7.30pm-2.30am. £7, £5 before 10pm, guestlist NUS £5, NUS free before 10pm.

Voodooz House Funky, deep house, techno and tribal courtesy of DJ Klipa, Sun Light Project, Doran, Destiny Maglorie, Deepsteppa and Ricky Romero. The Coronet, New Kent Rd, SE1 6TJ (020 7701 1500).

10pm-6am. Adv £10 & £13.

FRIDAY 30 Audio Doughnuts 2nd Anniversary Electronic music courtesy of DJs Roy Davis Jr, Marshall Jefferson, MK, Zed Bias, Maddslinky, Will Saul, Sinjin Hawke, Salva, Route 94, Ossie, Leon Vynehall, Two Inch Punch, A1 Bassline, Eclair Fifi, Shox, Pusherman, My Panda Shall Fly, Kashii, Pale and Funkystepz, plus live performances from Benin City, Onoe Caponoe and Anushka.

Fire, Arch, 39-43 Parry St, corner South Lambeth Rd, SW8 1RT (020 3242 0040). 9pm-7am. Adv £15.

Chicks With Decks The female DJs spin dance and electro.

Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303).

7pm-late. Phone for prices.

Fabriclive DJ Hype, Pascal, Goldie, Hazard, Randall, Sub Zero, Taxman, Potential Bad Boy, IC3, Evil B, Justyce, Funsta MC, 2Shy, LTJ Bukem, Bailey, DJ Nookie, dRamatic, dbAudio, Dynamic, SP:MC, Fats, Five Alive, Octane, DLR, Survival And Silent Witness, Ant TC1, Halogenix, EBK, MC Fokus and MC JC spin drum ‘n’ bass, electronica and jungle across three rooms. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898).

10pm-6am. £18, adv £22 inc cd, adv £17, NUS/mems £13 before midnight, £8 after 3am.

The Gallery Presents DJs Tenishia, Marcel Woods, Alex M.O.R.P.H, Eddie Bitar, Gavyn Mytchel And Steve Lee, Femi Fem, Jay Deep, Digital Mike and Mellophonik spin trance, electro, house and dance.

The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010).

10.30pm-6am. £14.

Troupe With Solid Grooves Fur Coat, The Mekanism, Climbers, Jonny Cade, Michael Bibi, Balou and Squa spin house, techno and nu-disco. Pulse, Invicta Plaza, SE1 9UF (020 7403 9643).

10pm-6am. £12-£20.

SATURDAY 1 Adamski Live Presents Neo-Waltz Electronica and neo-waltz courtesy of DJ Adamski and Richard Torry, with live performances from Viktoria Modesta and David McAlmont, plus dance lessons. Chats Palace Arts Centre, Brooksby’s Walk, E9 6DF (020 8533 0227).

6.30pm-12.30am. £10.

Beat Players 2nd Birthday DJs Neil Pierce, Sy Sez, Terry Hunter, Bones, David Bailey, Stephen Adams and Shaun Samuel spin disco, funk and soul. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173).

9pm-3.30am. £12 & £15, adv £10.

Bodydrummin 2 Year Birthday Party Presents Trinidadian Deep spins soulful house, techno, Afrobeat and minimal sounds, with support from Jamesey, Sheyi and Jay Russell.

The Bedroom Bar, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 5706). 10pm-3am. £8.

Cocoon Heroes London... Into The Magic DJs Sven Vath, Carl Craig, Cassy, Mathias Kaden, Onur Ozer, Wesley Razzy, Mark d’Ground, Gavin Rayner, Harry McCanna, Lee Hume, Charlie Dave Kent, Joe Morley and Jant Morr mix house, techno and electronica.

Great Suffolk St Warehouse, Great Suffolk St, SE1 0NS. 8pm-6am.

Adv £27.50, see londonware houseevents.co.uk for details.

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Mixmag Preparty Resident DJs mix house music. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

Saturday Sessions Presents Hardwell, Dannic, Shane Patrick, Electronic Sessions, Kim Fai, Audio Society, Joe Varni, Pablo De Linares, Edd Tomlinson, Andy Vincent, DT Deleted, Giraffi, Graffite, New Sense, Rick Cee, Armack, Beat Thief, Givafizz and No Agenda spin house, electro and progressive across four rooms. The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010). 11pm-7am. £18.

The Xmas Ball DJ EZ, Matt Jam Lamont, Martin Jackson, Paul-Michael, Replae and Lee Freeland spin garage, Grant Nelson, Steve Feelgood, Liam D, Bertie Morse and Nicky Driver play funky, and DJs Jonathan Ulyssesm, Habitat 2 Others, Scott Clark, Kid Cuts, Move The House, Danny Ryan, Louis James and Frosty spin house, across three rooms. Hidden, Tinworth St, SE11 5EQ (020 7820 6613).

9pm-6am. £15 & £20, adv £12.

SUNDAY 2 Beatnik Presents Resident DJs play beatnik, folk, bluegrass, funk and soul with live performances from Vardo And The Boss and Marlow, plus a Christmas fair. The Macbeth, Hoxton St, N1 6LP (020 7749 0600). 7pm-late. Free.

Entail Records Presents House, pop, rock, techno and electro courtesy of Dominik Eulberg, Adapter and Malandra JR. Crucifix, Crucifix Ln, SE1 3JW. 10pm-6am. £12-£20, see www.residentadvisor.net for details.

Fuse DJs Nima Gorji, Enzo Siragusa and Samuel Bellismo spin deep house and techno. 93 Feet East, Brick Ln, E1 6RU (020 7770 6006).

3pm-10.30pm. Free, guestlist only.

Jaded DJ Raymundo Rodriguez spins house and techno.

Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730).

5pm-2am. £12, concs £8.

Siesta Closing Party DJs Russ Yallop, Raffa FL, Jobe, Majesty, Steven Cee and Adam Cotier spin deep house and minimal, plus live performances from Luke Larrell And Kele Le Roc and Wbeeza. The Coronet, New Kent Rd, SE1 6TJ (020 7701 1500).

3pm-1am. Adv £5 & £10.

Sunday Night Live Ace & Vis, Roo Savill and DJ Nico Lupo play hip-hop. Aquum Bar, Clapham High St, SW4 7UL (020 7627 2726).

9pm-2.30am. Phone for prices.

Sunday Sessions Kissy Sell Out, Norman J, Oliver Ingrosso and Stonebridge spin house and electro. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303).

7pm-late. Phone for prices.

WetYourSelf! Techno and house from MHM One, Mathias Mesteno, Peter Pixzel, Cormac and Jacob Husley.Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898). 11pm-6am. £10, NUS/mems £7, adv £5.

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MONDAY 26 Big Sean The singer and rapper performs hip-hop. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £22.50.

BOOK NOW!

The Human League The synthwielding threesome plays electropop, performing songs from the album Credo, plus other hits. Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP (0845 401 5045). £27.50.

Chris Moyles The opinionated former Radio 1 breakfast presenter and television broadcaster performs a show of parody songs and comedy with a live band and members of his former broadcast team. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). £19.50.

The Overtones Doo-wop pop from the platinum-selling British-Irish-Australian vocal five-piece. Hammersmith Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0844 249 1000). £19.50-£35.

Martin Rossiter The ex-Gene frontman performs soulful indie and rock ‘n’ roll, ahead of the release of his debut album The Defenestration Of St Martin.

The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). Adv £15.

Rob Zombie/Marilyn Manson: Twins Of Evil Tour A co-headlining industrial and alt metal performance from the singer and film director and the controversial shock rocker.

The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £30-£37.50.

TUESDAY 27 Gary Barlow The singer-songwriter, musician and X Factor judge, who gained fame as a member of the 1990s chart-topping boyband Take That, performs pop and soft rock hits spanning his entire musical career. Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP (0845 401 5045). £45-£95, phone for availability.

Elbow, Here We Go Magic Alternative rock and indie from the Mercury Music Prize winning five-piece from Bury in support of the album Dead In The Boot, a collection of B-sides and rare songs by the band. Wembley Arena, Arena Sq, Engineers Way, HA9 0DH (0870 060 0870). £32.50.

Fink, Rae Morris Alt rock by the Brighton-based singersongwriter, Fin Greenall. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £17.50.

Dan Mangan The Canadian singer-songwriter plays acoustic guitar-led indie-rock and folk songs from his album Oh Fortune. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). Adv £12.50.

Bobby Womack The American singer-songwriter and musician plays soul and R‘n’B in support of his album The Bravest Man In The Universe. With guest appearances from Damon Albarn and Richard Russell. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). £27.50 & £32.50, VIP £50, phone for availability.

RANCID London Forum. Dec 14-16. £30 The Bay Area punks, fronted by Tim Armstrong and Lars Frederiksen, play this trio of back-catalogue delving shows. Rock out to Ruby Soho!

NW5 1JY

Kentish Town

WEDNESDAY 28 Alphabeat The electro-pop combo performs music from their album, The Spell. Dingwalls, Camden Lock, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AB (020 7428 0010/ cc 020 7428 5929). Adv £13.

Audience The veteran band, led by guitarist and singer Howard Werth, performs experimental art rock and progressive rock. 100 Club, Oxford St, W1D 1LL (020 7636 0933). £16.

Dirty Three, Zun Zun Egui The post-rock instrumental three-piece featuring Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds member Warren Ellis with guitarist Mick Turner and drummer Jim White performs in support of the album Toward The Low Sun. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £19.50.

Electric Mary, Bonafide, Skam Classic and hard rock outfit from Melbourne. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/cc 0871 231 0842). £10.

Thea Gilmore The Oxford-born singer-songwriter and guitarist performs folk-rock to promote the album Don’t Stop Singing.

Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). Adv £18.50.

Alanis Morissette, Athlete The Canadian singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist performs pop-rock with her band to promote the album Havoc And Bright Lights. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £35 & £45.

THURSDAY 29 Agent, Grace & Favour, The Spindle Sect, Black Orchid Empire The band from New Zealand plays progressive-tinged hard rock with elements of metal to promote the album Kingdom Of Fear. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). Adv £8.

Kool & The Gang R‘n’B, funk and pop outfit from New Jersey. Electric Brixton, Town Hall Parade, Brixton Hill, SW2 1RJ (020 7274 2290). £35.

hmvforum.com Magnum, Trillium Heavy rock with prog overtones by the Birmingham-based veterans. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/cc 0844 477 2000). £22.

The Mars Patrol The band from Edinburgh, currently based in London, plays upbeat and euphoric pop-rock. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £7.50.

Mystery Jets The Twickenhamformed four-piece plays indie-rock and post-punk to promote its album Radlands. Southbank Centre, Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX (020 7960 4200/cc 0844 875 0073). £15 & £17.50, concs £7.50 & £8.75.

The Rolling Stones The veteran band, featuring original members singer Mick Jagger and guitarist Keith Richards, celebrates 50 years since its formation in London by playing its hits including Jumpin’ Jack Flash and Brown Sugar.

The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £95-£375.

The View The Dundee-based band plays indie-rock from the album Cheeky For A Reason.

Electric Ballroom, Camden High St, NW1 8QP (020 7485 9006). £16.50.

FRIDAY 30 Adam Ant & The Good, The Mad And The Lovely Posse, Georgie Girl & Her Poussez Posse The chart-topping eccentric singersongwriter performs his punkinfused pop hits with his band, known for the hits Stand And Deliver, Prince Charming and Kings Of The Wild Frontier. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). Adv £28.50.

Christine Asamoah The singer-songwriter performs pop, soul and R‘n’B. LOST Theatre, Wandsworth Rd, SW8 2JU (0844 847 1680). £20, adv £17.50.

David Essex Veteran pop from the singer-songwriter known for the number one hits Gonna Make You A Star and Hold Me Close. IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). £20-£35.

Ben Howard The singersongwriter and musician plays folk-tinted acoustica.

O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000/ cc 0844 477 2000). £17.50.

Jason Mraz The American singer-songwriter performs pop-rock from the album Love Is A Four Letter Word. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £32.

Jools Holland & His Rhythm & Blues Orchestra The pianist and his band perform with BRIT awardwinning special guests KT Tunstall plus vocalists Ruby Turner and Louise Marshall, and acclaimed trombonist Rico Rodriguez.

Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP (0845 401 5045). Also Sat, Fri £17.50-£46, Sat £37-£43.

Kate Nash The London-based songstress performs her accented indie-pop tales.

Southbank Centre, Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX (020 7960 4200/ cc 0844 875 0073). £10, concs £5.

Keane Tom Chaplin and his award-winning four-piece from East Sussex, known for the hits Somewhere Only We Know and Is It Any Wonder?, performs piano-led pop-rock from their chart-topping album Strangeland.

The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £27.50 & £45.

Mick Taylor The Hertfordshireborn veteran guitarist, who has performed as part of The Rolling Stones, with John Mayall & the Bluesbreakers and Bob Dylan, performs blues-rock.

Cadogan Hall, Sloane Terrace, SW1X 9DQ (020 7730 4500). £25.

SATURDAY 1 The Dead Man’s Chest, Ripback, Pay The Price The London-based four-piece performs hardcore death-metal and grunge-style rock. 12 Bar Club, Denmark Place, WC2H 8NL (020 7240 2622). £6.

Steve Diggle Punk-rock by the Manchester-born singersongwriter and Buzzcocks member. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/ cc 020 7274 5537). £15, adv £12.

Europe, StoneRider Classic hard rock and heavy metal, with elements of glam metal, by the Swedish band as it plays songs from the album Bag Of Bones and its hits including The Final Countdown. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £20.

Glasvegas, Megan Thomas, Dexters Sweeping and ethereal guitar-driven indie-rock by the platinum-selling four-piece from Glasgow to promote the album Later...When The TV Turns To Static. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £18.

Gemma Hayes Indie-pop and rock from the Dublinbased singer-songwriter.

Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). Adv £16.

Hell Krusher, Visions Of War, Cuitus, Agnosy, Left For Dead, Bullet Ridden, Unfixed, Noise Complaint The Newcastle-based rock outfit performs thrash metal and energetic punk.

New Cross Inn, New Cross Rd, SE14 6AS (020 8692 1866). £10.

Mor Ve Otesi Alt rock by the four-piece band originating from Turkey. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £25.

Skunk Anansie Singer Skin and her London-based crew performs hard alt rock with punky overtones in support of the album Black Traffic.

O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000/cc 0844 477 2000). £25, phone for availability.

SUNDAY 2 Akala, Logic, Asheber & The African Revolution London-born rapper Kingslee Daley performs alt hip-hop and grime. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). Adv £11.

Alexisonfire The Canadian post-hardcore, melodic hardcore and screamo band performs a farewell show of songs from its entire back catalogue before disbanding. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000/cc 0844 477 2000). £25, phone for availabilty.

Christmas With Steps The reformed group plays festive favourites alongside their pop hits, ahead of the release of their first studio album in over 10 years, Light Up The World.

London Palladium, Argyll St, W1F 7TF (0844 412 2704). £22.50-£50.

Elbow, Here We Go Magic See Tuesday. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £29.50 & £32.50.

Jazzu, Mario Basanov, Vidis, Johny Disco, Henry Daniel Ambient and electronica from the London-based singer.

XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). Adv £15.

Madina Lake, Red Jump Suit Apparatus, Action Blast Alt rock and post-hardcore outfit from Chicago with their metaphorical compositions. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £12.

Spear Of Destiny Goth-flavoured alt rock by Kirk Brandon and his band. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). Adv £15.

Steve Vai The virtuoso guitarist from New York performs instrumental hard rock, metal and prog in support of his album The Story Of Light. Hammersmith Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0844 249 1000). £28.50.

Martha Wainwright, AroarA The Canadian-American singersongwriter and guitarist, part of the musical Wainwright family, plays upbeat and catchy folk-rock and pop to promote her album Come Home To Mama. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £28.50 & £30.

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Go to tntmagazine.com/competitions. See webpage for terms and conditions. Winners will be selected at random.

Host: Russell Kane

Win £100 Soviet Voucher

DJ: Seb Fontaine

VIP TICKETS TO SOVIET NUTS AWARDS PARTY & £100 SOVIET CLOTHES VOUCHER Get your gladrags ready and clear your diary, it’s the most exciting event in the Xmas calendar! TNT has two fantastic VIP tickets to give away to the first ever Soviet Nuts Awards Party at Aura in Mayfair, London on Dec 6, 2012.

Winners will rub shoulders with a sparkling array of stars from the world of comedy, music and reality TV joining host for the evening Russell Kane. Entertainment will be provided by saucy burlesque dancers the Wam Bam Club, DJs Seb Fontaine, Maxine Hardcastle (Pacha and Hed Kandi resident) and Jordan from MTV’s new reality show The Valleys Valleys.. Lucky winners

will also receive £100 worth of Soviet clothing. Soviet fuses fashion and sportswear influences, then mixes them with catwalk and street styling – a winning combination for winter.

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Dallas Campbell The presenter of BBC’s hit doco Supersized Earth on mankind’s ambitious feats of engineering, ghost towns and ‘shit diving’ INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON

What’s the series about?

The scale of what humans have been able to achieve in engineering – looking at the biggest engineering projects on the planet. The first episode’s about cities and buildings; the second is about how we move things around the world; and the third is about food and fuel.

Have we mastered our environment?

As human beings, we’ve become a force of nature in our own right. We now have the technology to build aqueducts that stretch the entire length of China and we can build cities a kilometre high. And we’ve done this in the blink of an eye, the last 100 years, and radically transformed the planet in ways our ancestors would have been unable to comprehend.

What was the most daunting project you visited?

The Burj Khalifa [in Dubai]. The tallest building for 4000 years was the Pyramid of Giza. It was just a big pile or rock and had no internal space. In the Middle Ages these great cathedrals went up and then steel, glass and concrete transformed building. In my lifetime the height record has changed five times. It was the Empire State Building, the World Trade Center, and now the Burj, which is twice the Empire State. And I’ve stood on the very top of it.

What goes through your mind there?

Don’t fall off! The deserts of Dubai get very windy and it blows a hooly up there.

What’s the next development to change the height buildings can reach?

It will probably be elevator technology, as that limits you. Now they’re planning the Kingdom Tower in Saudi Arabia, which will be even higher.

Photo: BBC

Does ambition or function drive it?

Both – social, technological, economic and political factors. In my lifetime the population has doubled, which is ridiculous, so we have a need for our technology to work, to feed and move all these people around.

What has surprised you the most?

The sheer scale. As well as the Burj, we visited a Boeing factory in Seattle, where they’re building

Don’t look down: On top of the [man-made] world the Dreamliners [world’s largest jumbo jets], and the world’s biggest container vessel. We were in the Gulf of Mexico standing on this ship that sinks itself, then goes underwater and picks up an oil rig. We were standing on deck and it just defies imagination.

And what has been the weirdest?

For part of the story about food and fuel we went to Japan, where there’s an island off the coast of Nagasaki, called Hashima Island. It was 400m long and 100m wide and was a coal mining colony. At one time it was the most densely populated piece of land on Earth.

Is it still used?

Within a few months of closing in 1944 it became derelict – the coal mining had stopped. Everyone left and time has taken over. You walk around and there are tables and clothes left – it’s a proper ghost town frozen in time. It’s where they filmed Javier Bardem’s villain’s lair in Skyfall. Few people are allowed there, but we were.

Where was most difficult to access?

I was out in Kazakhstan getting permission to visit the Baikonour Cosmodrome for a Soyuz [rocket] launch to the International Space Station. It’s funny as it’s the only ‘bus stop’ to the ISS, so all the American astronauts fly from the same place from where [first man in space]

Yuri Gagarin left. We were lucky to film there.

And it’s not like a shuttle launch where you’re seven miles away, we were less than a mile from lift off. It is like the sky’s being ripped apart.

Was filming always this glamorous?

No. One of the issues in Mexico City is it has a bad subsidence problem so it is hard to drain away the sewage, so I went ‘shit diving’ in raw sewage – human waste, animal waste, hospital waste, industrial waste – in just an industrial diving suit, with tape round the gloves.

What’s the most important development you’ve seen?

The invention of flight, which we’ve only had since the Wright Brothers in 1902. Now nowhere is more than 48 hours away. The world has shrunk! And the evolution of the megacity with populations more than 20 million, but that brings problems as much as opportunities.

Do you touch on environmental issues?

It’s not really our story, we’re a snapshot of the world as it is. But we are rightly asking questions we wouldn’t have 20 years ago. The world’s a closed system, there is nothing coming out or in, so all the things we do affect all these systems.

Supersized Earth is on November 28 and December 5. 8pm. BBC One. Plus BBC iPlayer

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Odd couple: Dirty Harry and Sexy/Back guy in a baseball movie. Makes sense

TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE FILM review by Alasdair Morton STARRING: Clint Eastwood, Amy Adams, Justin Timberlake | 12A | 111mins

SIGHTSEERS FILM STARRING: Ali Lowe, Steve Oram | 15 | 88mins

Brit filmmaker Ben Wheatley’s Kill List was one of the most scary-as-fuck movies of recent years. His follow-up here adds humour into its none-asdark black-comedy about a pair of caravan-holidaying serial killers. It won rave reviews when it screened for the gorehounds at this year’s Cannes, and marks Wheatley out as a true British talent to watch and enjoy.

On general release November 30

26

Eastwood’s new film sees the grizzled Hollywood veteran stepping back in front of the camera and allowing someone else to call the shots for this sporting analogy father-daughter drama.

The legend’s long-time second unit/assistant director, Robert Lorenz, who’s worked on the likes of Million Dollar Baby and Mystic River, makes his feature debut, so too scriptwriter Randy Brown. But the duo steer things down as cliched a path as you’ll find. All the film is missing is a home-run, final credits freeze-frame.

Eastwood is Gus, a grumpy old talent scout whose eyes are failing him and is about to be usurped by younger, IT-literate up-and-comers. So, his almostestranged daughter joins him on the road for one last star-searching mission, and the two bond over their lack of relationship over the preceding years.

Dirty Harry can play these roles in his sleep and as good as he is at the gruff old dog routine – and entertaining it is to see him embrace age on screen – it’s a routine we’ve seen countless times before. Adams, though, as the daughter he spurned who has sought career success elsewhere outside of baseball, is spiky and engaging, and her blossoming relationship with Timberlake’s upstart scout injects some life into the slow pace, which takes a long time to not get very far at all.

There are warm moments, but its overreliance on cliche gives it little to swing for. Were it a baseball player, it’d be a workmanlike journeyman, who would have made a career for himself but never been especially memorable or high-flying.

GOOD FOR: Those who are satisfied by unambitious Hollywood fare

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GIVE US A

ROSS NOBLE: MINDBLENDER

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

He is one of his generation’s weirdest, wackiest, most surreal, unpredictable and downright ace comedians. A firm favourite with fans and performers alike, his breathless shows are prone to oddball flights of fancy (Cunningham Lindsey?

Plates of meat?), with no two shows ever alike.

Here with newly ‘prepared’ material.

Hammersmith Apollo W6 9QH. Nov 29-Dec 1. £25 Hammersmith hammersmithapollo.com

ANSEL ADAMS EXHIBITION

CONSTELLATIONS

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

Ansel Adams photographed the great outdoors of the US and composed a body of work that portrayed the rugged vastness of the country.

This exhibition allows his fascination with water to take centre stage and shows some of his more famous works (Clearing Winter Storm, Yosemite) with lesser known photos, too.

University Cosmologist Marianne (Sally Hawkins) meets beekeeper Roland (Rafe Spall), and they get together – or do they? Nick Payne’s poignant and teasing two-hander touches on string theory, quantum mechanics and parallel universes and poses a host of questions, answers and much humour and heartache. LK

Royal Museums Greenwich Romney Road, SE10 9NF. Until Apr 28. £7 Greenwich rmg.co.uk

Duke of York’s Theatre WC2N 4BG. Until Jan 5. £25+ Charing Cross constellationstheplay.com

PAT CAHILL What’s Knock2Bag about? It’s been running for years and has one of the best crowds in London.

I always have a blast there, and tonight has a top line-up including Cardinal Burns and Doctor Brown.

Photos: Nobby Clark, Steve Ullathorne, Warner Bros

How did your first performance go? It was on a school trip in Spain at an inter-school cabaret night. My school had no one representing it so I did a comedy turn and a friend sang Putting On The Ritz. He got more laughs than me.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

UNCLE VANYA

FILM

THEATRE

Mike Newell, the director of Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire, helms this big budget, all-star adaptation of Charles Dicken’s famous tale. Ralph Fiennes and Helena Bonham Carter star alongside War Horse’s Jeremy Irvine as the young orphan Pip, whose life is changed forever more by an inheritance that takes him to London’s monied elite.

If you’ve never seen Chekhov’s heart-breaking account of lives going nowhere, Lindsay Posner’s straightforward production makes a serviceable introduction. But slowed by interminable scene changes and a lack of directorial inspiration, it isn’t destined to be memorable. Features Laura Carmichael (or Edith from Dowton Abbey). LK

On general release from November 30

Vaudeville Theatre The Strand, WC2R 0NH. Until Feb 16. £25+ Charing Cross nimaxtheatres.com

Who inspired you to pick up a mic? My brother got me in to stand-up. He showed me a Lee Evans video on the same night he gave me my first pint of beer. I never looked back. And, Spike Milligan, – I rewatch his stuff when I want to remind myself why I do this. It’s a bit like rereading the bible.

What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen of late? An argument in the pub about the Illuminati, the royal family and MPs all being lizards undercover. It was certainly something different from the usual football debate!

Knock2Bag Rich Mix, E1 6LA. Dec 1. £8 Bethnal Green knock2bag.co.uk

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American Idiots: the sellout US show hits London

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Sex, drugs and stage musicals Green Day’s American Idiot is about to hit London, proving punk rock and stage musicals can be a fantastic combination WORDS ALASDAIR MORTON

When Green Day adapted their album American Idiot for the stage three years ago, there were raised eyebrows from both the musical theatre community and their punk rock fanbase. Needlessly so, it would transpire; just as the 2004 concept album itself was a global smash that cemented the band as a stadium-filling rock act, the musical went on to be a Broadway hit. Now, since the 2009 premiere in Berkeley, California, it’s transferred to New York, embarked on a US tour this summer and played through the UK – now it’s ready to rock London.

Written against the backdrop of the US’s post 9/11 engagements, American Idiot is a politically-charged show that tells the tale of three young men, and the different choices they make – Will (Casey O’Farrell) is glued to the couch in Nowheresville, US, with a kid a pregnant girlfriend.

The other two, lead Johnny (Alex Nee) and Tunny (Thomas Hettrick), head for the big city, where their stories diverge.

Tunny opts for the military and Middle Eastern deployment while Johnny follows a path of addiction and lost love, before making peace with the world and himself.

“Some people have viewed it as a period piece and in some ways it really is,” Nee tells us after the show’s UK debut in Southampton at the start of the tour.

“It is set during the Bush years and has a lot of specific imagery from then [Cheney and Rumsfeld make appearances across the many TV screens that litter the stage and set].

War is always going to be around, so it is something we have to deal with – and it is always going to be young people going off to war, meaning the appeal of it versus its reality is definitely a contemporary issue.”

The show, Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong has previously explained, is about the conflict between love and rage – a tale about self-destructive rebellion and the striving to change into a better self in a better world through ethical choices, all backed by American Idiot’s Grammy-winning rock songs, and a few other choice cuts from the band’s career.

It touches on war, youth, pop culture, media, with its thematic thread on addiction lent a contemporary relevance

by Billie Joe’s current rehab residence after an on-stage outburst-cum-breakdown in Vegas at the iHeartRadio festival.

Just as Green Day found themselves a new fanbase with the album eight years ago, the show, too, has attracted new followers but it’s anything but made for a young audience.

“I love that,” Nee enthuses of the more adult content and themes of the production. “I’ve always been attracted to things that are a little rawer and don’t gloss over parts of characters. All of these characters [in the show] can be rude and vulgar, and we are all like that in the real world. I find that darker side of life interesting as a person.

“My first professional show was Sister Mary Ignatious

“

All the characters can be rude and vulgar

”

Explains It All For You, which is a very dark adult show that deals with religion. I was a little Catholic schoolboy and at the end of the play I end up on this nun’s lap reciting catechism questions as she is feeding me cookies.

“She has this gun trained on one of her students and then at the end of the show she shoots him. That was my introduction to theatre – my mum said she would never have let me see the show had I not been in it.“ Johnny even has ››

O’Farrell, Hettrick and Nee backstage on the UK tour TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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(Clockwise) Nee and Alyssa DiPalma; Nee and St Jimmy (Trent Saunders); Billie Joe in the NY show; Green Day and the US cast

30

“At one of the shows in Southampton the guitar went out of tune,” he reveals. “My character has two guitars, one backstage and one on-stage in case it gets kicked or knocked out of tune [a likely scenario given the athleticism involved in the show]. When I went to take the guitar from backstage I just grabbed the out of tune backstage one by mistake, so now we have them both ready to go.”

“

I was unsure about their change in sound

”

Many shows to hit the West End based on ready-made tunes – Jersey Boys, The Bodyguard, Rock Of Ages, We Will Rock You… – rightly or wrongly can be tarred with the ‘jukebox musical’ brush as a simple delivery method for hits with little narrative or emotional accompaniment. American Idiot though is far from such.

Green Day saw the album from the start as the soundtrack to a story, one way or the other, whether this was to take the shape of a film or stage show later on down the road.

It just works to the show’s benefit that it has a 14 millioncopy selling ‘book and lyrics’ on which to base its comingof-age story. So whether you’re a punk fan or a musical fan, American Idiot is one not to miss.

American Idiot Hammersmith Apollo,W6 9QH. December 4-16.

Hammersmith hammersmithapollo.com £22.50+

Photos: Getty, John Daughtry, Turner Rouse Jr

a fairly full-on sex scene during the show, but this didn’t phase the 21-year-old Nee either. “It’s fun to explore that raw sexual side of yourself,” he says. “It’ll probably be a little uncomfortable when my grandmother comes to the show, though.”

Nee, who grew up in San Francisco, Billie Joe’s west coast home, was at college in Chicago when he got the call which prompted a string of auditions and callbacks. With ‘edgy for the genre’ shows such as Rent and Spring Awakening (from Idiot director Michael Mayer, whose work initially caught Billie Joe’s interest) already under his belt, he joined the cast as Johnny – his love of adult, mature material joined by his stage show experience and punk rock credentials.

“I started looking into Green Day when I was 10,” he recalls. “I bought Dookie but had to hide it from my parents as it had a Parental Advisory sticker on it, and I listened to a lot of their early stuff. American Idiot didn’t come out until I was 13, but I didn’t listen to it all that much, I just heard it on the radio as I was unsure about their change in sound as they were maturing. I was still a teenager then and just thought: ‘What’s this?’ But then I saw the [stage] show and it opened it up for me in a whole new way.”

The live nature of the show makes it a charged visceral theatrical experience. From the ensemble sequence set to Holiday, in which a giant rig doubles as a bus, and the neverending, energetic running around the stage and leaping across platforms, to the wire sequences in which characters take to the sky, the show’s ambition throws up a lot of issues for both cast and crew.

“It is a really tiring show – we come out of it and feel like we’ve left everything on the stage,” Nee says, before telling us of some of the pitfalls found in a live action performance.

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SPARETIME

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Family Guy: Back To The Multiverse

CD

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Fifth album and first in three years by the neo-soul singer. £8.99 play.com

Peter Griffin and family star in a new adventure to stop Bertram. £37.99 play.com

Public Enemy: The Evil Empire Of Everything

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CD

The legendary rappers’ second new album of 2012. £9.99 amazon.co.uk

Chris Colfer: Struck By Lightning

Songful

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The New York Times bestselling comedy by the Glee star, who will also star in the upcoming movie. £6.99 play.com

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Janet Evanovich: Notorious Nineteen

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Turn your fave tickets into coffee table reminders. £6 ticketcoaster.com

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Mark Walhberg’s brom-com about a slacker and his bear friend. From Family Guy’s Seth MacFarlane. £9.99 amazon.co.uk

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This DIY-tastic little cam takes photography old skool. £12 urbanoutfitters.com

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Channing Tatum and Matthew McConaughey star in this male strippers flick from director Steven Soderbergh. £8.99 play.com

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App of the Week Yog iPhone

This running app links you to other runners and joggers so you can compare times and tips as you run together in real time.

FREE itunes.apple.com

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Boxfresh khaki coat Padded jacket, warm and light for Tube-goers.

Mish mash heavy quilted shirt For the city tree surgeon, lumberjack type.

Player messenger bag DJs take note – your records are begging to be carried around in this.

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The brains behind this funky new brand, designer Donovan Pascal and marketing creative Hannah Man, previously worked on edgy labels Religion and Idol. And from then, before they’d even unveiled their first line together, the pair had superstar fans in Beyonce, Fergie, Kate Moss and Agyness Deyn. These powerful women are indicative of what Prey of London’s debut collection represents – cult tastemakers with a luxe-rock edge, messy hair, dark make-up and skinny jeans. Their autumn/winter range will fittingly be available in Shoreditch’s equally as stylish Boxpark, the prefabricated complex made out of shipping containers. If you think you’ve got the late-night London attitude to pull off these bold and creative looks, head down to their pop-up and join the unique movement.

OPEN Sat Dec 1, 11am-7pm; Sun Dec 2, 12pm-6pm COST Items from £50 preyoflondon.com Unit 56 Boxpark, 2-4 Bethnal Green Rd, E1 6GY Shoreditch High Street

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4-PAGE GIFT GUIDE

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Splitter bot So two can listen to tunes

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Ozone coffee Limited edition Xmas blend. Yum! ozonecoffee.co.uk

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Arctic Force Snowball Time to kick ass come snowtime

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Run For Cover e-reader cover The best of print and tech worlds

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LIFESTYLEHEALTH CLASS OF THE WEEK

ULTIMATE Still called Frisbee by those who don’t play it, ultimate is a cross between netball and American football, where a ‘flying disc’ is used in place of a ball. The aim is to catch the disc in the end zone (like gridiron), but when you’ve got it, you can’t run (like netball) and you have to pass it within 10 seconds. Many may not realise how big ultimate has become or indeed what a great form of exercise it is, but we reckon it’s one of the best new sports around – fast-paced, challenging and it will get you super-fit as you sprint, lunge and dive for the disc. The ultimate buzz is spreading like wildfire across the UK. And if you’re not entirely convinced by the game itself, the social scene may change your mind.

Being inclusive and sociable is what ultimate is all about – men and women can play together and tournaments are often mixed. You can join a league team, but the best way to learn and have just as much fun in a friendly, competitive environment is in pick-up games.

There are free games all over London, some more regular than others, and for all degrees of ability.

Check out the sites below to find the one nearest to you.

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A gift to Oz Sending Christmas presents Down Under is easy and doesn’t need to cost a bomb. Here’s how ...

WORDS JADE BREMNER

You might be spending Christmas as an orphan in London, but that doesn’t mean you can forget about your family back home.

Unless you’re super-organised, posting gifts halfway around the world is out – miss the last mailing date and they might not arrive until next year. Instead, the internet is your shopping playground.

Don’t know where to start? We’ve collated the best gifts from a bunch of top Aussies websites which will take the stress out of Christmas shopping while making sure a little part of you is with loved ones on the day.

Boozy gifts WHAT: Just because you can’t get merry with your rellies doesn’t mean you can’t get them sloshed. Trawl the bastion of warehouse booze shops Dan Murphy’s website for the bargains on your family’s favourite tipples.

It has great deals on wine across all varieties and in all price brackets, from a cheap sixpack of plonk to a special bottle of bubbles.

Click on “this week’s offers” to see what’s available for your home state. Or go for one of its top gift hampers from $29.90 (£19.50).

DELIVERY: Buy wine by the dozen and the delivery will be free – cases can include non-

alcoholic drinks, too. Delivery minimum is 10 days but depends on the address in Australia. danmurphys.com.au

Novelty factor WHAT: If you want to stitch up your bro’ or old man, pay the Gifts Australia site a visit.

Its Sydney-based warehouse is filled with hilarious gifts, such as “arse face” soap for $12.50 (£8.15) and bullshit buttons at $12.95 (£8.50). We’re particularly impressed with the guitar-shaped BBQ rock spatulas at $22.95 (£15). Cool grannies will also love the dunkin’ robot tea infusers costing $9.99 (£6.50).

DELIVERY: Allow five business days for remote areas. Deliveries cost $10.95 (£7.15), so sending multiple gifts to one place is best. giftsaustralia.com.au

Fashion treats WHAT: Shop for your mates this season at ASOS and get everything from playsuits from $32.50 (£21) to proper London-inspired Christmas party outfits. For women, pick out Oasis leather-esque skirts from $76.50 (£49.90) and Warehouse maxi dresses from $29.75 (£19), or invest in men’s Cheap Monday skinny jeans for $83.30 (£54) and

londonultimate.com; pickupultimate.com

A thoughtful gift: the next best gifts thingwill to being there into a frenzy Your send rellies 38

‘Oh, a stuffed ... thing ... I love it’

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BEAUTY GIFTS

Outside the box: avoid the high street rush and send gifts online this year

Deliverance Kowhai Flower Hand Cream Super soft fingers £15.99 antipodesnature.com

snap back caps at $20.40 (£16). See “the outlet” section of the site for bargains of up to 70 per cent off marked prices.

DELIVERY: Free shipping to Australia on all orders (seven days) and there’s a deal of $10 (£6.50) on express shipping (two days). asos.com/au

For traditionalists WHAT: Dstore is the place to go for classic gifts, such as brand perfumes, movies and toys. A bottle of Burberry Brit costing $64 (£42) could be apt, considering you’re living in London. Its game selection includes stuff to keep your family entertained for hours, including 3D lighthouse and Big Ben puzzles for $27.30 (£17.80). There’s also a range of DVDs, including plenty of box sets.

DELIVERY: Flat rate for Australia-wide deliveries is $6.95 (£4.50). Deliveries take up to 10 working days to arrive. dstore.com

Mango Body Butter Slather up and avoid dry skin £15 alisonclairenaturalbeauty.com

Hamper time WHAT: Don’t feel guilty about your increasing waistline thanks to the ‘Heathrow injection’, get your family back home fat, too. Woolworths is offering hampers which are the perfect gift for foodies. Prices from $40 (£26). We recommend the Australian Selection ($70/£45.65), with peppermint chocolate, olive oil and jam.

NEXT WEEK DELIVERY: $6.95 (£4.50) and takes up to 10 days. TNT tries Mexican wrestling... woolworths.com.au

Real Shaving Co. Shave Gel With moisturising beads £3.99 boots.com

Photos: Thinkstock

TOP TREATMENT: REEBOK MUSCLE MELT Proper blokes will love this massage. You’ll not get any of that namby-pamby, airy-fairy, softly-softly rubbish here. This treatment at Re:SPA focuses on aching hard-working muscles and is perfect after sport or a grueling week at work. The masseuse will heat up hot stones then use deep cross friction techniques, plus some blokey ginger and black pepper smelly stuff, to melt away the knots, tension and pain. A 50-minute treatment is £59 16-19 Canada Square, E14 5ER

reebokclub.co.uk

Canary Wharf

Organic Relaxing Bath Salts With jojoba and orange oils £18.85 aubreyorganicsuk.co.uk

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

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Panto rehearsals: Jack And The Beanstalk at Stratford East

Behind the scenes If you think Christmas theatre looks like a blast, you should see what it’s like working off-stage in London WORDS JADE BREMNER Getting into the world of acting is hugely competitive – but you don’t have to resort to being the back end of a pantomime horse to work in the theatre this Christmas. Instead, get in on the action working behind the scenes as part of a team that creates incredible renditions of classic tales.

All theatre jobs are skilled, but many skills are transferable from other areas.

And, if you can get into this hard-tocrack industry, you may never look back. Creative roles, other than acting, involve set design, production, music and choreography.

Trained dancer Georgie Mackie, a 30-year-old from New Zealand, is the event manager at London Dance House, Sadler’s Wells Theatre (sadlerswells.com). She’s been in the 40

industry for five years, working her way up from being an usher.

According to Mackie, theatre events roles pay around £27k-£34k per year.

“Most of us do it for the love of the industry rather than the money,” she says. “For me, it’s about having access to world-class performances and to be surrounded by creative, like-minded people who are passionate.”

And the role is varied. Mackie is currently organising a pop-up experience for the premiere of Matthew Bourne’s Sleeping Beauty.

“We’ve created a dining space that reflects the on-stage drama of the show, with gothic candelabras and blood-red roses,” she says.

If you’re set on working behind-thescenes of Christmas theatre, you’ll have

to excel at teamwork – putting on a production is all about communicating with others.

Battersea Arts Centre (bac.org.uk) producer Sophie Bradey, 27, is currently working on Midnight’s Pumpkin, and has been involved in theatre for nine years. She says: “It was this strong sense of community that made me want to work in theatre.

“We all make something together, something bigger than the sum of our parts and that means it is a very special environment.”

And don’t think that not having the relevant training will hold you back – offer your services for free during the six-week festive production season, Bradey says it’s the best way to get a foot in the door. Whether it’s

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ON THE JOB BEN FIELDS CAREER Development worker for refugees AGE 23 LIVES London FROM London How did you get into your line of work?

I went to Africa a few years ago and was really inspired to help refugees.

Plus, I enjoy the travelling.

Photos: Theatre Royal Stratford East; Sadler’s Wells, Battersea Arts Centre

Stage life: Jeanefer Jean-Charles and, left, Georgie Mackie

Charles (jeanefer. working on trapdoors WHERE TO START com) has been part of or spotlights, Bradey • A good place to get training London’s theatre scene believes you have to in all-things theatre is to visit for more than 20 years put in the time and getintotheatre.org. The site was and is currently working prove your passion. The created by experts in the field and hours can be long, but here they will advise you on how to on a Jack And The the good news is “you go about pinning down a creative, Beanstalk production at don’t need to have a technical or management job.

Theatre Royal Stratford degree or any particular There’s also workshops from acting East (stratfordeast. background to work in to script writing listed on the site. com). theatre; individuality is • When you’re ready to apply She says it’s a joy to embraced”. for jobs, either apply directly to be part of Christmas Once you’ve got productions and theatres around theatre, especially the experience under London or visit thestage.co.uk. when big names tread your belt, as a theatre This is the online version of the the boards. producer you can industry paper, which has hundreds “Actors do their expect to earn from of current theatre job openings serious work during the £20k-£60k a year. But around the city. year, but all great actors you’ll have to work step out of those roles hard for it. and do fun events for Bradey says: “I may be giving the family, at Christmas,” she explains. feedback at key moments in a rehearsal “They still need to use their skills, but period, supporting script development have more freedom, and a lot of fun.” with a writer or fundraising. No two Although Charles works with days are ever the same.” professional dancers year-round, during And Bradey is adamant the theatre the festive season she oftens work with is one of the best places in London to actors who have never had dancing work if you love Christmas roles. And, of course, in this role, “It’s a pretty special time,” she says. you’ll need to be really fit – so “I love the sense of excitement around if you can’t limit your NEXT Christmas at a theatre. burgers and beers, WEEK “Even if you are the biggest scrooge, this isn’t for you. there is nothing like seeing people “Pantomimes can Spotlight: Working in scream, giggle and cry at a show.” be very physical,” Wellington, NZ Choreographer Jeanefer JeanCharles adds.

What do you do day-to-day?

It’s always different, which I love.

I work with ‘displaced persons’ out in the field at refugee camps. Then, when I’m back in London, I’m behind the desk and my day consists of mainly policy analysis.

What’s the best part of your job?

It might sound cheesy, but I love knowing that I’m doing good as part of my daily life. Plus, during my work I’m always experiencing new place and things.

What’s the most challenging part?

I would say it’s adapting to situations outside my comfort zone without any real support system. I’m on my own most of the time and have to use initiative and think on my feet.

HOW TO...

FIND A NICHE Are you a Jack of all trades?

Streamline your skills and get paid above the norm for them.

• Identify what makes you

different from anyone else, and what skills are in demand, whether it be programming or tap dancing on ice.

• Do extensive research and

target companies that desire your specialist skills.

• Don’t wait for job openings

to come up, apply directly to companies and be clear on what you can offer them.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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If you are physically fit and able to have a good time, then why not join our team of office furniture fitters and porters. You will have the opportunity to work in some of the most prestigious buildings in London, and travel the UK. Tools and CSCS are an advantage but not a necessity.

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Drive, ambition, professionalism and a desire

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Telesales Executives

We have a number of job opportunities for people with attitudes and ambitions that match our own to join the team and help TNT into 2013 and its next phase of growth.

to succeed and earn rewards are prerequisites for these roles. Applicants will need to have the following:

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Excellent presentation and communication skills Proven history in new business development Ability to build a rapport quickly with clients A genuine commitment to delivering outstanding customer service

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CASH-SAVING TIPS

LIFESTYLEMONEY

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25 PER CENT OF H&M Need a new outfit for the party season but find you’re a bit short of cash?

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Register for the H&M newsletter at hm.com/gb and as a thank you they’ll send you a 25 per cent discount code, which you can use against your next online purchase.

Tops, shoes, winter coats and accessories are all available at H&M online.

CHAMPAGNE FIX Stock up for the Christmas season with a few bottles of top-notch bubbly. To impress your mates with a celebratory tipple, pick up some of Pierre Darcys Champagne (the proper stuff) for just £10 a bottle this week at asda.com – while stocks last.

afford and don’t get tempted by the glamour of the city.

There are lots of cheap and fun things around London to do. You don’t need to spend £150 on a night out in Mayfair.

SAM GRAHAM, 24 JOB Sports agent FROM London LIVES London

doing brilliantly. I spend far too much money – more money than I’ve got. So I get myself in trouble.

How do you budget?

Not particularly well, to be fair. I try to, but I’m not

Do you have any tips for saving money in London?

Only spend what you can

What was your last big blow out on?

We represent long-jumper Greg Rutherford. The night after he won his gold medal we had a big night out – it was great fun but expensive.

What non-essential items do you spend money on?

I spend far too much money on clothes that I wear once.

HOW THEY SPEND IT! Expensive pet projects Usher reportedly bought a goldendoodle puppy for £7550 in a charity auction – he’s not the only pet lover ...

Paris and Tinkerbell

❚ Leonardo DiCaprio is a fan of expensive pets, forking out £250 on a Sulcata tortoise. The pet could outlive the star, with a life expectancy of 50 years-plus.

❚ Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell gets the royal treatment. Among the lavish gifts for her scrawny pooch has been a £34,600 diamond-encrusted collar.

❚ Once “the baddest man on the planet”, Mike Tyson has one of the most lethal creatures, a tiger, as a pet.

He’s said to spend £2500 month on his cat bills and keeping her in meat.

❚ The late Michael Jackson had one of the most famous pets of all. Chimp Bubbles costs the wildlife sanctuary he now lives at more than £11k a year to keep – that’s before the special outfits.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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LIFESTYLELIVING

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HOME

STYLE .00

£15

Bakeball bat Make cakes with it, then take it to the park and play ball suck.uk.com

Life by the lido Tooting Bec, SW17

.95

£19

WORDS JADE BREMNER

Heart-shaped Slate Add Cheese and give it as a loving Xmas gift styleabode.com

.00

£25

This pocket of southeast London’s claims to fame are swimming and curry. The famous Tooting Bec Lido is the UK’s biggest openair pool and a set for Guy Ritchie’s hit film Snatch with Brad Pitt. And the curry comes courtesy of a strong contingent of residents from the subcontinent and their string of award-winning restaurants.

The historic backdrop of the area was named after the grand Bec Abbey in France’s Normandy, which was given land here after the Norman Conquest. The area has since had myriad settlers but is now renowned for its vibrant multi-cultural population.

Why Tooting Bec?

Bruno + Bean’s apron Floral vintage, half pinnie for cooking brunoandbean.com

Local real estate agent Leigh Pay says the variety in the area makes it ideal to live in.

“I can’t think of another place in London that offers so much diversity,” says the Kinleigh Folkard & Hayward lettings manager.

“And with over 50 restaurants and bars, Tooting Bec has something for everyone.”

Take a dip: the Lido, the UK’s biggest pool Don’t move here if...

If you’re looking for a bustling nightlife.

Neighbouring suburbs Balham and Tooting Broadway have a livelier bar and club culture to excite the night owls among you. But for some peace and quiet after a tough working week, bed up here.

Where to hang out?

Tooting Bec has a busy and well-serviced high street and is blessed with coffee shops and top-value restaurants. As said, there’s no shortage of curry outlets. Try traditional Indian and Pakistani joint Chatkhara (chatkhara.co.uk) or authentic tandoori grub at Spice Village (spicevillageltd.co.uk), both on Upper Tooting Road. There’s also kebaberies, plus Thai and Italian

Who lives there?

00

£4.

Christmas biscuit tin Fill this red and green can with festive delights tigerstores.co.uk

46

During the Noughties, Tooting Bec had an influx of new families from eastern Asia lured by the affordable prices. The borough of Wandsworth still has London’s cheapest council tax, but Pays explains that with prices rising everywhere in the past four years, especially along the Northern line, the demographic has evolved again.

“It’s seen a big influx of young professionals and families, which has resulted in a really great mix of people,” she says.

Pint time: across from the station restaurants, just in case you get bored of curry. For drinks it has to be The Wheatsheaf (weatsheaftootingbec.com), directly opposite Tooting Bec station. This is a trendy young boozer with real ale and cider. The Smoke Bar Diner (020 8767 3902) also has a relaxed,

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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MY AREA ELISKA SUSTOBA WAITRESS 30

“Tooting Bec has some really nice parks and the Lido, which is why I think a lot of people want to live here. It’s slightly pricey, but worth the money.”

ROGER NORTON BANKER 30

mellow vibe, ideal to sip and chat to mates until the wee hours at the weekends. Sports fans should make a beeline for the King’s Head (taylor-walker.co.uk). Though it can be a bit of an old man’s pub during quiet times, the atmosphere is great on match days.

The connections From Tooting Bec, it takes just 20 minutes to get to Waterloo on the Northern line or 30 minutes to Tottenham Court Road. It’s also well-served by buses, including the 219 which goes straight to Clapham Junction – perfect for a night on the tiles.

What can you rent?

Properties vary hugely, but expect Victorian maisonettes and conversions plus ex-local authority flats offering great views across Tooting Bec Common. “A personal highlight of mine is the converted psychiatric hospital opposite the common,“ Pay says.

The site is now made up of large, modern, affordable one, two NEXT WEEK and three-bedroom apartments, ideal London’s greenest neighbourhoods for young workers and families.

“Most of Tooting Bec is quite residential but it is getting lots of young professionals and business-types. The neighborhood is getting youthful.”

CHRISTINE HANNIGAN RETAIL 25

“Tooting Bec is becoming inundated with more people. Loads of house-hunters are trickling down from Balham and Clapham because it’s up and coming.”

SW17 INFO BOROUGH

Wandsworth COUNCIL TAX

Approx £900pa TRAVEL TIME TO LONDON

Photos: Getty

20 minutes 1-bed flat £1250pcm

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A well-finished property on Mellison Road with a good-sized living room and additional dining room for entertaining guests. Plus, a modern kitchen and private garden.

This two-bed ground floor flat, with a private garden, is on Links Road.

It’s a very short walk from Tooting Bec station. The airy modern vibe is ideal for young professionals.

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WORLDVIEW

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There she blows: New Zealand’s Mount Tongariro sends a plume of ash and gas into the air last week, with a “significant probability” of erupting again.

Remarkably, tourism bosses are hoping it does, claiming it will boost the area’s profile Viral: clip from the video

DUMB-WAYS-TO-DIE VIDEO GOES VIRAL AUSTRALIA A cute and funny train safety video has been viewed more than seven million times on YouTube.

The Dumb Ways To Die animation shows how colourful characters pop their clogs in silly ways – bobbing along to a catchy tune in various states of decapitation. Created for Metro Trains in Melbourne, it aims to warn about the dangers of railways.

A Metro spokesman said: “We’re running this campaign to stop people doing something dumb and being hit by a train.” See the clip at tntmagazine.com TWEETS OF THE WEEK @fleetstreetfox Nadine Dorries says she’s back at work. In a five-star hotel. In Australia. While giving interviews about herself. Um? @frankieboyle Obesity is causing rise in knee pain. Because most people will only shag a fat girl from behind @caitlinmoran If Bishops were real men they’d want a few chicks around

FINE FOR CALLING KIWI WOMAN AUSSIE UNITED KINGDOM A woman has been found guilty of racially abusing her Kiwi neighbour – calling her a “stupid fat Australian”.

British/New Zealand-born Chelsea O’Reilly was on the receiving end of Czechborn Petra Mills’ drunken rant outside her house in Macclesfield, Chester.

Mills, 31, denied the charges, telling Macclesfield Magistrates’ Court: “Yes, I shouted at her but it had nothing to do with racism. I did not used the word Australian.” However, O’Reilly said of the 48

incident in September: “Because of my accent there can be some confusion over my nationality. She knew I was from New Zealand. She was trying to be offensive.”

Chairman of the bench Brian Donohue said: “The word ‘Australian’ was used.

It was racially aggravated and the main reason it was used was in hostility.”

Mills was fined and ordered to pay costs.

APES HAVE A MIDLIFE CRISIS LIKE MEN UNITED KINGDOM Apes go through a similar pattern of behaviour as humans when it comes to the midlife crisis according to a study.

While humans, particularly men, are prone to buying swanky new cars to compensate for reaching middle age, it

seems our ape ancestors go through a similar process.

The behaviour of more than 500 captive orang-utans and chimpanzees was monitored over the world.

The results showed that wellbeing in the apes dipped during their middle years – in their late 20s and early 30s – then recovered.

“It reflects some evolved tendency for middle-aged individuals to have lower wellbeing,” Edinburgh Uni’s Alex Weiss said.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Now you see it... where Sandy Island should be according to Google Earth

THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 3

Time, in months, Brit Rebecca Blake was jailed for after being accused of having sex in the back of a taxi in Dubai

Size, in feet, of ape-like creature with demonic red eyes that walker in Royal Tunbridge Wells claims roared at him

30

LAND NOT AHOY! MAPS WRONG ABOUT ISLAND

8

Per cent of men who have been on a secret diet, claims a UK survey, but were too embarrassed to tell their mates

AUSTRALIA A group of explorers have ‘unfound’ an island after going in search of land in the South Pacific.

Chief scientist Maria Seton and her crew attempted to sail to Sandy Island, which exists on Google Earth, marine charts and world maps, and allegedly sits between Australia and New Caledonia. However, they found nothing but miles of ocean.

“We became suspicious when the navigation charts used by the ship showed a depth of 1400 metres in an area where our scientific maps and Google Earth showed the existence of a large island,” Dr Seton, from the University of Sydney, said.

The missing island has appeared in scientific publications since 2000.

WOMAN ‘USED BONES AS SEX TOYS’

Photos: Getty, AAP

SWEDEN A woman in Sweden has been accused of masturbating with skeletons.

The unnamed 37-year-old has been charged with “brott mot griftesfriden”, which means disturbing the peace of the dead, using the bones as self-pleasuring aides. Prosecutor Kristina Ehrenborg-Staffas claimed the human remains were used in an “unethical” way.

Evidence for the prosecution allegedly includes a CD with the label, “My necrophilia” and, “My first experience”.

1526 World news.indd 49

Compensation, in pounds, awarded to nurse Linda Mitchell, in Scotland, after she injured herself pulling curtains around a bed

Charge: the woman pictured with skull The woman is said to be psychologically able to stand trial and is expected to plead not guilty with the claim she’s interested in history and that she “collected the remains like other people might collect stamps”.

GIRL HAS ARM, HAND REMOVED FROM BACK CHINA A girl in Beijing had surgery to remove a large growth on her back – containing an arm, hand and breast.

The 11-year-old schoolgirl had the remnants of an identical twin removed from her body, a case reported by the medical journal BMJ Case Reports.

Writing in the journal Professor Peng said: “Based on physical examination and imaging findings, a diagnosis of fetus in fetu was made pre-operatively.”

Fetus in fetu is a condition in which parts of an underdeveloped body are found in a living twin. It is rare, but this is the first case of it occurring in a child’s back.

50,000

QUOTE OF THE WEEK It’s one of the great pleasures in life, though I’ve been brought up well enough to not do it in public Sorry, ladies, James Bond actor Daniel Craig is a nosepicker. Shame

23/11/12 13:38:01

The daily slog isn’t always a laugh, we know, so here’s what we’re doing to prevent you banging your head against the wall in despair.

Do your co-workers a favour and log on to tntmagazine.com

S E T I B E M BREAK TI m this week

om TNTmagazine.co e of the headlines fr

Here’s a tast

WEIRD NEWS TNTmagazine.com doesn’t just bring you the best of what’s on in London and awesome travel features, but a daily dose of crazy headlines, too

EIGHT-FOOT YETI SPOTTED IN ROYAL TUNBIDGE WELLS A walker has reported seeing an 8ft-tall beast with demonic red eyes and long arms walking in woods

tntmagazine.com/yeti COMPETITIONS

WINS SEATS IN AN EXECUTIVE SUITE TO WATCH FULHAM FC A pair of tickets to see Fulham take on Swansea from the luxury of an executive suite are up for grabs

tntmagazine.com/fulham

RIP SHOULDER CHARGE

ELMO ACTOR QUITS SESAME STREET OVER SEX SCANDAL Kevin Clash, the man behind Elmo, has quit Sesame Street after being accused of sleeping with teenagers

tntmagazine.com/apes

WIN LEE EVANS’S COMPLETE DVD BACK CATALOGUE

TNT is giving you a chance to snag yourself eight DVDs of comedy from the UK’s biggest comic

We round up some of the finest, most bone-crunching videos of the now sadly outlawed tackling technique. Rest in pieces

tntmagazine.com/crunch

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MAGAZINE.COM 1526 NEW web trail.indd 50

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TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: OLI JONES

oliver.jones@tntmagazine.com

Change: blanket ban on prisoners voting is unfair

Giving some prisoners the vote will help rehabilitation

Photo: Getty

Criminals are a pantomime villain in this pathetic political sideshow The European Court of Human Rights telling the UK to give prisoners the vote makes David Cameron physically ill, apparently. Which end you may ask? The shits, I bet. Cameron’s got the kind of doughy face peculiar to people with touchy bowels (and a shallow gene pool). Thankfully for Number 10’s cleaners, Cameron’s lower intestine can rest easy because, contrary to some of the right-wing spin, the ECHR didn’t tell David Cameron to give prisoners the vote.

It said that the government’s blanket ban on prisoner voting breached existing laws – the laws agreed to by the British government. That is quite explicitly not saying: “Give prisoners the vote.” And while I refuse to subscribe to the facile position that the government ought to do what Strasbourg judges say because it might diminish respect for the UK internationally, that’s not to say I disagree with the EU ruling. A blanket ban on prisoner voting is unjust and also counterintuitive to prison’s main objective, rehabilitation.

Much as the Daily Mail would want to change it, we don’t have a punitive prison system, like the rest of the rational world we have a rehabilitating one. Unpalatable as it is to some people, prisoners are humans, often with histories of abuse, often with learning difficulties, often with drug problems, often illiterate. These aren’t excuses, they’re facts. It occurs to me that if the main point of prison is to change people into responsible members of society, and it is, then denying them the vote runs exactly contrary to that aim.

Disenfranchising people is one of the more symbolically profound ways of saying “you aren’t as good as us”. That said, there is surely a line. It would plainly be unconscionable to give people in prison for violent or serious crimes the vote. When you abuse society to such a degree you surely forfeit some of your rights within it.

Privately, lots of politicians of all shades feel the same, but such is the tyranny of right wing political entertainment complex, they’re afraid of saying so. » Agree or disagree? Should prisoners never get the vote? letters@tntmagazine.com

POPE SHOULDN’T PLAY MYTH GAMES The Pope wants donkeys banned from nativity scenes, because he reckons the presence of one is “a myth”.

It strikes me that the very last person in the entire world who should want to play the “that’s a myth” game is the leader of an international organisation which for centuries has used a phalanx of myths to subjugate people for their own financial enrichment.

But, if he wants to, let’s: god didn’t create heaven and earth in six days; Adam and Eve weren’t the first humans; Noah didn’t have an ark; Mary wasn’t a virgin; Jesus wasn’t the son of god, he didn’t turn

“

The Pope wants to ban nativity donkeys

”

water into wine, he wasn’t resurrected.

You don’t know what god thinks about the use of contraception. You don’t know what god thinks about homosexuality. Here though is something that isn’t a myth: the habitual, institutionalised abuse of children by members of your church which you helped to hide you wicked, wicked man.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Racism Down Under Is Melbourne bus abuse clip a one-off? Or will it damage Australia’s reputation?

WORDS CAROL DRIVER

It makes for uncomfortable viewing: the 2.39-minute YouTube video Caught On Camera: Racist Australians Abuse Girl & Smash Bus Window. Having been posted just last week by passenger Mike Nayna, who filmed the ordeal from the back of the bus, the clip has already attracted more than two million views and more than 20,000 comments. It shows a group of five Australians hurling abuse at a French backpacker for singing a French song with three friends as the bus travels through the southern suburbs of Melbourne. “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie” chants a woman passenger, before another shouts: “Speak English or die”, then threatens to cut off the victim’s breasts.

As the abuse continues, the tourists move to the back of the bus, while a passenger can be heard yelling: “I’ll fucking box cutter you right now doll. You’ve been told about four times, get off. Everyone on the bus wants to kill you and you’re going to have to get off the bus eventually bitch, have you worked that out yet?”

A man pushing a pram then joins in, shouting that he would knife the backpacker, before getting off the bus.

Moments later, one of the vehicle’s windows is smashed, and passengers can be heard shouting to the driver to move on. Nayna, a stand-up comedian from Melbourne, said the vehicle remained stationary for a few minutes before driving 500 yards down the road to a replacement bus.

He said he uploaded the video to try to “shame” those involved. “Sadly this kind of stuff isn’t that uncommon,” he said. “I know I’ve copped my share for being brown and all my ethnic friends have a story or two. It’s a thing in this country. Let’s not pretend it’s not.”

Victoria Police have launched an investigation into the incident, which occurred at 10.30pm on November 11, and two people have been questioned in connection with the attack and released without charge.

But the YouTube video has already caused ripples around 52

the world – putting the attitudes of Australians in the spotlight. There are fears the country could be tarred with the racist brush, that it could damage Australia’s reputation overseas and affect tourism.

Laurel Papworth, social media expert, said the content of the video was an uncomfortable truth which Australians needed to address. She told news.com.au: “It’s time for Australians to wake up. This is not a one-off issue, it’s a problem Australia has.

“Social media is lifting up the rocks and showing what’s really happening underneath. Our reputation as being

“

We have a darker soul we need to fight

”

a light, friendly place to go for good times is changing and we have a darker soul we need to fight against, which is being highlighted by social media.”

Talking about sites such as Twitter, Papworth said: “Now Australians can see this is what people think of them. This is how they are perceived overseas: Drunk, racist yobbos.”

As the shocking story was picked up by websites and newspapers around the world, the Australian media didn’t hold back, condemning it as “disgraceful”.

In an opinion piece, Fairfax Media said the most disturbing thing was that so few people spoke up in defence of the woman. “The majority of passengers were silent and impassive, probably wishing they were elsewhere,” it said.

“A racist, abusive bigot is like sitting next to the smelliest person on the bus – you hold your breath and count the stops until you can get off.”

However, Professor Kevin Dunn, head of the University of

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Photos: YouTube

Abuse: three men identified in the YouTube video who police want to speak with

Western Sydney’s Challenging Racism Project, says it’s very rare bystanders who witness racist attacks intervene.

He told theage.com.au witnesses believe the perpetrator will turn on them if they speak out. “Speak to the rest of the crowd,” Professor Dunn advises. “Say: ‘Does anyone else think that this is out of order?’ Try gathering support from other bystanders so that you turn it into a majority view.

Make the perpetrator the minority.”

The incident follows the results of the university’s report into racism which revealed one in 10 Australians have racist tendancies – with some believing races should be segregated.

Australian psychologist Heather Grindley said: ‘‘We don’t have the attitudes of overt racism from 20 or 30 years ago but the undercurrents are still there.”

Despite the international outcry, many have been quick to defend Australia, calling the bus tirade incident a one-off.

Nayna, who captured the video, said: “I don’t want to look like I’m bashing my country, I love my country, I just want this to be talked about as there is an underlying issue going on her here.”

While Steve Noakes, a senior lecturer in tourism at the Central Queensland University told age.com.au there is no evidence such incidents cause a dramatic fall-off in the number of visitor arrivals.

Even the French victim who was verbally abused has come forward to say she doesn’t judge Australians over the incident. Fanny Desaintjores, 22, said she had not experienced any similar demonstrations of hatred during a three-month trip around the country.

“It was an incident that could happen anywhere, even in France, so I don’t judge you in any country,” she wrote on YouTube in response to the video.

“We find idiots everywhere, even in France. I don’t want to fuel hatred or anything,” she added. Whether the actions of the perpetrators have, remains to be seen.

Views the video attracted in days

GLOBAL REACTION HOW SOCIAL MEDIA SAW IT Unsurprisingly, social media users around the globe took to sites such as YouTube and Twitter in their droves to vent their opinion about the racist bus rant.

On Twitter: @luceasker: There are some disgusting people in this world. @TaraNipe: This is not my Australia, but it exists.

Thousands posted on YouTube: Benstubes wrote: Unfortunately this kind of behavior goes well beyond the scope of this clip. WestAusParty said: Australianborn people have to stick together, there are thousands coming here destroying our historical cultural values.

And on TNT’s Facebook page: Jamil Madrid posted: These types of people have no place in the world.

Jackqueline Hargreaves: Every country has a few who the rest of the population would like to disown.

Watch the video at tntmagazine.com/racist-bus and send your views to letters@tntmultimedia.com

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPORTNEWS

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Aussie Becks?

BECKS: A-LEAGUE IN FRAME FOR SIGNING FOOTBALL The A-League’s push to lure David Beckham Down Under is real, despite commentators saying the move would be at the bottom of a long list of options around the world for the star.

The former England captain plays his last game for the LA Galaxy on December 1 against Houston Dynamo and has said he’s focusing on that before deciding what his “one last challenge” will be.

Paris Saint-Germain is a frontrunner while Real Madrid has expressed interest in his return, and Sam Allardyce has said he’d welcome him at West Ham, if he’s fit.

Whether in with a show or not, new FFA boss David Gallop’s dining out on the prospect, saying, “The important thing about this is a player of his status is even considering being part of our competition.”

Melbourne Heart, Perth Glory and the Central Coast Mariners have all put their hand up to foot the large bill for his arrival for what could be a 10 game stint for $2m.

SHOULDER CHARGE BAN CONTROVERSIAL RUGBY LEAGUE The Australian Rugby League’s ban on the shoulder charge could go global, with England set to investigate the controversial tackling technique.

But some of the games’ biggest names are against the move made to eliminate an unnecessary risk of injury to players.

Knights’ veteran coach Wayne Bennett said the shoulder charge was a “point of difference” for league over union and can be “exciting for fans”. Former NSW Origin coaches Phil Gould and Ricky Stuart were also against it while some players claimed it took the toughness away from the sport.

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Norwegian Olympic medallist and moustache-wearer Kjetil Jansrud gets some mighty air during a downhill run at the Alpine Skiing World Cup in Lake Louise in Canada last week

GREEN MAY RETIRE, ‘CANS’ COME FIRST

BIG WEEK FOR ...

BOXING

Monty Panesar hadn’t played a Test for England in two years when recalled from playing Sydney grade cricket for Randwick Petersham to play Pakistan earlier this year. And he hadn’t played a game for his country since March, yet last week the leftie – beloved in England and Australia – was marked by experts as the saviour England needed to partner Graeme Swann on the spin-friendly India wickets after a big loss in the first Test. England legend Derek Underwood backed his selection saying Swann would “benefit considerably” from his support.

Aussie boxer Danny Green was keeping mum on any plans he would go back into retirement after winning the IBO cruiserweight title in a dominant points decision against Kiwi Shane Cameron.

Green said he’d “get on the cans with the boys” before making any decisions about his future.

Cameron wasn’t fancy but he was gallant in a bout that went the distance.

He dedicated the win to his fans.

“For every Australian who has given me support and encouraged me throughout my career. That was old-school, behind the shed, Saturday night pub brawl and I came out on top against a Kiwi,” he said.

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Sam Warburton crashes through the Aussie line

QUOTES OF THE WEEK At Chelsea, another sacking is like any other day in the office.

Most of the managers that have left the club have moved on Former Blues boss now with Spurs Andre Villas-Boas on Roberto De Matteo’s axing

PREVIEW World Cup bronze medal rematch WALES V AUSTRALIA SATURDAY, 2.30PM BBC1 This clash could be anything, it totally depends on which versions of the sides who met in the bronze medal play-off of the World Cup turn up at Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium.

The Red Dragons have been ordinary this autumn, with a low point being a loss to Samoa, who they were expected to beat at home.

Australia have been a mixed bag.

They’re missing some of the best players

in the world in James Horwill, Will Genia and David Pocock, who may return for this match from a calf injury, but that’s no way to explain to fans their shocker against France and solid turnaround against the English at Twickenham. How they recover from an always bruising match against Italy in Florence will be key.

Wales welcomed captain Sam Warburton back to the fold against New Zealand at the weekend and they are hopeful of having Richard Hibbard, Ian Evans and Dan Biggar back for this week.

Either way, rugby at Cardiff is always huge.

THE CHAT | Autumn rugby Tests – who cares?

[Michael Clarke has] set a great precedent for anyone following in his footsteps as a captain or a leader A centurion himself on day one, David Warner pays tribute to the Australian skipper’s fourth double-century of 2012

I’d like to make Quade [Cooper] my first professional fight. I’m very pleased with the way it’s going with Jeff Loud-mouth 400m runner John Steffensen on apparently former rugby player Quade Cooper and training with former world champ Jeff Fenech. Couldn’t make it up

TV HIGHLIGHTS RUGBY UNION

Photos: Getty

Q

England v New Zealand

They’re international rugby union Tests but do these games actually mean anything?

Absolutely! These Tests influence the world rankings A which will decide the seedings for the 2015 World Cup draw being announced on December 3. The 12 automatically qualified nations will be split into three tiers of four, from the world number one All Blacks to whoever is fourth, fifth to eighth, and ninth to 12th. Each of the Cup’s four pools will have a team from each tier and a minnow from a separate qualifying series. The higher you’re up, the less big guns you face in the pool stage and the better the chances of making the knock-outs.

England’s poor autumn start bumped them to fifth and France has jumped to fourth. Wales is close to falling down to ninth.

Can the hosts match the world’s best Sat, 2.30pm, Sky Sports 1

CRICKET Australia v South Africa The third Test begins in Perth Fri, 3.30am, Sky Sports 3

FOOTBALL West Ham v Chelsea England’s Danny Care

Giant-killers and wounded giants Sat, 12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Stick it to ’em The twilight of the best hockey player in the world’s career could well be his highlight WORDS MICHAEL GADD

When world hockey gets the Indian billionaire treatment on December 2, with an auction for the best players in the vein of cricket’s IPL, one man is guaranteed to be among the most fiercely bid for – Australian captain Jamie Dwyer. The five times best player in the world will be a target for all six franchises who will want his trademark number one jersey to be in their colours for the Hockey India League (HIL) played from January 5 to February 3 next year. Dwyer wouldn’t talk up his worth at auction, but admits it’s a huge deal that his sport is finally getting what it financially deserves.

“It’s great for world hockey,” he says. “And it’s great for Indian hockey, they’re naturally a brilliant hockey nation.”

Cricket is huge in India, but it’s hockey that is the 1.2 billion residents’ “national sport”. The wealthy HIL owners will be capped at AUS$650,000 for their 24 players (10 of which can be from overseas), an astronomical figure for a sport rarely associated with money. The cash is only beaten in significance by a broadcast deal with ESPN that will bring greater-thanever exposure to the field sport: “It’s what hockey needed,” Dwyer says. “Players need to be financially rewarded, especially in Australia and NZ where we get no money at all.

“Hockey needs something to attract people to it – if a young guy coming through was good at football and hockey as well, they’d probably choose football because of the money and it’s on TV,” says Dwyer, who’s non-playing time is spent coaching elite players through academies and his innovative video tutorials on dwyeronline.com. He was also one of those kids – from country Queensland, he was offered a private school scholarship to play cricket in Brisbane but “was always more passionate about hockey”.

It’s an exciting time for hockey and Dwyer. TNT caught up with the striker after he walked off the field from a victory against Pakistan in last week’s Super Series Hockey 9’s in Perth, the sport’s exciting Twenty20 equivalent with nine players (usually 11) on each team and larger goals.

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This comp precedes the Champion’s Trophy in Melbourne from December 1-9, a tournament featuring eight of the best nations in the world (see next page). Organisers will hope for a rematch between the world-leading Aussies and Germans, who broke the home team’s hearts in the semi-final of the London Olympics. All going to plan, they’ll meet in the final.

“We’ve got Belgium, Holland and Pakistan in our pool, but the rivalry with Germany could continue in the final,” Dwyer says. “We’ve had a very good battle over the years.

The last three World Cups, in 2002, 2006, 2010, we’ve played

“

If I’m still hungry for it, I can keep on playing

”

each other. And the last three Olympics we’ve won between us – us in 2004 and Germany in 2008 and 2012. I knew this year at the Olympics we’d be the best two teams in the world. It’s a shame we had to meet them in the semi-final.”

The Australian team was named after the recent Australian Hockey League between states, which was won again by Dwyer’s Queensland Blades. The side, which hasn’t been out of the top four in the major tournament (World Cup or Olympics) for the past 40 years, has similar issues to the Australian football team, the Socceroos, with players plying their trade professionally in Europe. For hockey, the money is found in Germany and the Netherlands, where Dwyer has been playing since 2004 for various clubs.

“I signed on for one year there,” he recalls. “I absolutely loved it and signed on for five more years.”

He also met his wife Neth, also a hockey player, there through hockey friends. “That wasn’t part of the contract,”

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Photos: Getty

Australian captain Jamie Dwyer has at least a couple of years left at the top of world hockey

he jokes. They married in 2008 and now live in Perth with their two boys, Julian, three, and Taj, who’s two in December.

“When I went there after the Athens Olympics (where Australia won gold), there was only a handful of guys who’d been there previously. These days, half the squad’s playing there. I wanted to go there just to experience life out of Australia and learn on the field, too.”

Like the Socceroos, the players are split, but with hockey being more concentrated in Europe, the overseas-based players can meet up more often.

“Our team’s been training in two groups, one here (in Perth) and the eight guys who are playing in Holland,” he says. “But we’re ready for the Champion’s Trophy – it’s not often we play a big tournament in our home country.”

Despite being in the twilight of his playing career, it’s as obvious as a stick on the shin that Dwyer still has the fire in his belly for the elite contest. He’s targeting the Glasgow 2014 Commonwealth Games and World Cup in The Netherlands, his second home, for his swan song: “Age 33 in hockey is definitely coming to the end of a career, but I’ve got two years left in me. I’m not a big guy, so my pace and fitness has been the same for 10 years. If I keep that and the passion, and I’m still hungry for it, I’ll play on.

His peers clearly believe Dwyer’s still got it in him – last year he was voted the FIH Player of the Year for the fifth time, two times more than any other male player in history.

The down-to-earth country boy, predictably, is too humble to talk himself up, but he’s gracious.

“It’s an honour, but not something I try to achieve or set out in my goals. I just want to become the best player I can.

“When I was growing up I always looked up to [Dutch legend] Teun de Nooijer as a big of a role model. He’s just retired at 36 and there’s not many old guys around anymore, so some of the young guys look up to me. I just look to do the best for my team and improve myself.”

Can Australia make it five in a row?

CHAMPIONS TROPHY HOLDERS THE FAVOURITES As defending champions and with a more in tact side than the world number one Germans ahead of the 34th Champions Trophy in Melbourne, Australia go into the tournament slight favourites.

The Aussies have won the past four versions of the event, but are now world number two behind their defeaters at the London Olympics. “The German guys had a lot of players retire after the Olympics, so it’ll be interesting to see how they’re going for the Trophy,” Australian captain Jamie Dwyer says.

Curious composition of the Champions Trophy’s eight teams means some of the top-ranked teams (Spain, Korea, Belgium) won’t be there. The top five from the previous tournament qualify automatically, while the FIH executive board pick the rest – they’ve gone with India, England and Pakistan, all competitive nations, especially the Poms, who are much improved.

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: ALASDAIR MORTON alasdair.morton@tntmagazine.com

“Can I have a job, please?”

Abramovich’s axing of Di Matteo is absurd

EPL’s first 2012 casualty is far from deserving his marching orders

» Agree or disagree? Should Di Matteo have been fired? letters@tntmagazine.com 58

From cricketer, and a fairly unfit looking one at that, to boxer – Andrew “Freddie” Flintoff has bitten off quite a career change for himself, and it is in danger of going tits up.

Actually, scratch that, it is not just likely that it will go the way of the dodo, but it is also important that it does so.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not so we can laugh at poor Flintoff watching the birds spin around his battered cranium as he lies prostrate on the canvas this coming weekend at his debut fight at the Manchester MEN. But so that a career

“

His boxing career risks going tits up

”

change documented by a reality TV show is shown to be nothing more than an illadvised vanity project.

Some boxers, who have long trained, fought and suffered for their sport, are unsure how long Flintoff’s pugilism will last. But many are sure – not long. Then again though, he may stun us all and make a career out of it.

Photo: Getty

This time last week it seemed pretty certain who the first managerial casualty of the premier league season would be. As QPR’s Mark Hughes and Southampton’s Nigel Adkins walked out in west London, in a match marked as ‘El Sackico’, it was a winner takes all affair – the loser dropping three points and, most likely, being sacked. Midway through the following week though, both were still in their post, and it was Chelsea’s Roberto Di Matteo finding himself the first to collect his P45.

Di Matteo took over from the ineffective Andre Villas-Boas midway through last season after the Portuguese felt billionaire owner Roman Abramovich’s wrath. Di Matteo led them to an FA Cup and, more importantly, to the Champions League title. He was loved at Stamford Bridge, respected by the players and led them to a fair start to this campaign, too – they were third before the weekend, four points off leaders Man City. A bad month and the risk of missing the Champions League knock-out stage has seen him axed.

For the most part, the football world’s stunned. Newcastle boss Alan Pardew, for one, was “astonished”. Hughes was finally, and deservedly, cast out of Loftus Road last Friday, QPR’s 3-1 trouncing by the Saints giving Adkins a stay of execution but proving the final straw for Rangers’ patient-to-a-point chairman Tony Fernandes. Di Matteo, though, who’s been replaced by former Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez to season’s end, is a different case.

It could be Abramovich didn’t like where Chelsea were headed, or they weren’t headed close enough to his desire for a flamboyant ‘Barcelona in blue’ team. Perhaps it could just be he never thought they’d win the Champions League and he got stuck with a manager he never wanted. Others say it’s the oligarch’s refusal to accept the £50m he paid for Fernando Torres was absurd and Di Matteo’s distaste for him was right. Whatever the score, Di Matteo, a Chelsea legend as player and manager, deserved, unquestionably, his superior’s support.

Football management’s the funniest game – you can’t take anything for granted.

FLINTOFF DESERVES A BEATING

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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23/11/12 15:25:42

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TRAVEL LATE DEALS | HOTSHOTS | TRAVEL TIPS | TOP FIVE | TOURS | BIG TRIP IMAGE OF THE WEEK

TICKLED PINK An artist performs during the 15th International Mimes and Clowns Festival in Medellin, Colombia

Photos: Getty

INSIDE

GONE TO MARKET /64

MAKE IT SCHNAPPY /72

UNDER THE SEA /80

Ditch the high street and buy your Christmas gifts and goodies at a festive market. Here’s our pick of the very best in the UK.

Pristine ski slopes, snowscapes, schnapps and leather mini-skirts in the Austrian alps, yet there’s barely another tourist in sight.

Sinister wrecks, rainbow reefs, sociable sharks, and a host of natural wonders can be explored on a scuba dive.

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TRAVELDIARY

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All at sea: Jarvis Cocker will be on board the SS Coachella with Pulp

Helen Elfer TRAVEL EDITOR

KISS GOODBYE TO JETLAG The absolute worst thing about travelling to far-flung lands is the jetlag. You spend 12 or so hours in a resigned haze of snoozing, free boozing and cheesy chickflicks before arriving at your destination feeling rested, excited and ready for action.

Until a few hours later, when, as if from nowhere, the jetlag strikes.

I’ve been offered a million and one tips for beating the post-flight grogginess over the years, and none of them has worked. The most common piece of advice I’ve been offered is not to sleep until bedtime.

But it’s completely impossible.You end up double-dropping cans of Red Bull just to keep your eyes open and as soon as the caffeine wears off you feel worse than ever.

But if you’ve got the cash to splash, wasting the first few days of your holiday feeling jetlagged could be a thing of the past. Australian sleep researchers have developed a set of hi-tech “sunglasses” which they claim help you adjust to new time zones more easily.

Described as the world’s first ‘time control’ specs, they imitate sunlight patterns by emitting a soft green glow. This targets the part of your brain that regulates your bodyclock, and, depending on when you wear them, they can help you wake up earlier, or stay sleeping if you need to catch up on a few ZZZs. Sounds like a godsend for anyone who’s got a big trip coming up soon. But at £162 a pop (re-timer. com) they’re quite an investment.

So – lifesaver or expensive gimmick?

Anyone tried them out yet?

Or have you got any brilliant (and cheaper) tricks for long-haul flight recovery?

Write in and tell us your top tips for beating

Is there a more awesome place to party than at a music festival on the open seas? All aboard the SS Coachella then. It’s a spin-off cruise from 16-19 the people behind the famous Southern Californian music festival, and takes place onboard mega-yacht the Celebrity Silhouette. The entire ship will be filled with bars, nightclubs, casinos and stages – and Pulp are headlining.

DEC

WHY: As well as rocking out to the bands and DJs, you can have a flutter in the casinos, take yoga classes on the deck, or go on one of the day excursions to explore the bars and beaches of the sunny Bahamas. And, if all that doesn’t keep you occupied, perhaps the beer-tasting sessions will.

WHIRLING DERVISHES

Turkey

Hundreds of whirling dervishes will perform 10-17 in Konya throughout the week, wearing the traditional white flowing robes and tall hats. The festival celebrates the anniversary of the 13th-century Muslim poet Rumi, who believed communication with god was possible through dance. The whirling dervish tradition grew from this.

DEC

tourismturkey.org

QUEMA DEL DIABLO

Guatemala

The fiery Burning Of The Devil festival in Antigua 7 involves statues of Satan set ablaze and everyone sporting bright red horns for the night.

DEC

visitguatemala.com

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DO IT BECAUSE: Most of the acts playing are less mainstream than Coachella’s – it’s all about the indie bands and underground DJs here, so there’s bound to be a very hip crowd on board. Who needs SoCal when you’ve got the Atlantic Ocean to party on? ss.coachella.com

ZOUKOUT

Singapore

Does the thought of spending the night cutting 6-8 shapes on a beach take your fancy? Head to palm tree-lined Siloso Beach for Singapore’s biggest dance festival where DJs will be spinning pop, hip hop and techno all weekend.

DEC

zoukout.com

SAMURAI FESTIVAL

Japan

One of Japan’s best-loved folk tales is about 47 14 servants who avenged their master’s murder by defeating his enemy and then killing themselves.

Believe it or not, Gishi-sai is a cheery occasion in Tokyo, which celebrates the legend with a samurai sword parade.

DEC

jnto.go.jp

Photos: Getty

jetlag at helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

S.S. COACHELLA Bahamas

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DISH THE DIRT As if airline food wasn’t already unappetising enough, it has emerged those congealed brownish meals that pass for spag bol or curry are frequently prepared around mice and cockroaches. This gruesome news was revealed

by US TV news show 20/20, which got hold of the results of US Food And Drug Administration reports on airlines and their caterers. LSG Sky Chefs, whose kitchens were found infested with cockroaches, said it “immediately addressed” the issue. Just as repulsively, mice were found on a Delta Airlines plane, which the company said was an isolated incident. Once is more than enough for us though. Pass that sick bag.

Photos: Thinkstock

PASSENGER POWER A German passenger has been hailed a hero after dramatically taking over the controls of a plane and making an emergency landing at Dublin airport last week. The first officer of the Lufthansa Boeing 747 fell seriously ill while flying over the Atlantic and was no longer able to control the plane. The cabin crew announced the flight was being diverted, and the passenger, who luckily was a qualified pilot, stepped up to the plate. He brought the plane down safely in Ireland. A Lufthansa spokeswoman said the man was fully licensed to operate and fly the 747.

Snack attack: cockroaches can be found in airline food

SSHH-O-METERS Think being shushed all the time in corridors and being given lollipops for good behaviour should have ended when you left primary school? Not if you spend the night in a Premier Inn hotel. The budget hotel chain is introducing ‘sshh-o-meters’ in its corridors that will flash a warning to guests who make too much noise. Annoying, much? The chain offer refunds to customers who say they don’t get a good night’s sleep and are also trying to cut down on noise at night by offering sweets to rowdy guests to keep them quiet when they come into reception after a night out.

LOVE CRAPPY ROOMS? Amsterdam’s Hans Brinker Budget Hotel has a rather odd approach to enticing customers.

Its website (hans-brinker.com) advertises “a basement bar with limited light and no fresh air” with “slightly watered down beer”. There are also “amusing witticisms and speculations about former guests’ sexual preferences scrawled on most surfaces”. Weirder still, its unique marketing strategy is working brilliantly. The hotel’s business is booming among backpackers who appreciate the honesty, and think for £21pn, they’re prepared to turn a blind eye to the flaws.

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Christmas Markets UK

(Clockwise) Festive snacks in Leeds; markets in Manchester; Edinburgh’s Ferris Wheel

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UKTRIP

Gone to market Ditch the high street and buy your Christmas gifts and goodies at a festive market. Here’s our pick of the very best in the UK WORDS HELEN ELFER

Nothing cheers up a freezing cold day like a mug or two of cinnamon-infused mulled wine, snaffling down a few sugary German biscuits and picking up some pressies for your loved ones all at the same time. If that Christmas combo doesn’t leave you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, then bah humbug to you. Maybe you could use an injection of festive cheer from these long-standing shop-til-you-drop-athons.

Manchester: Christmas Markets Albert Square is the main hub of Manchester’s huge series of Christmas markets, but there are seven smaller ones dotted around the city centre.

BUYER’S MARKET: The theme is European, so you’ll find areas of the market representing the trademark Christmas goodies from different countries. Invest in delicious Dutch toffee waffles and cheeses, French biscuits and lavender soaps or some Spanish chorizo – plus, obviously, as much glühwein as you can drink. Arts and crafts are sold at the stalls in Exchange Square, German goodies in St Ann’s Square, and French treats in King Street. All the market areas are walking – or staggering – distance from each other.

XMAS X-FACTOR: Bigger is better in Manchester. To prove this, every year it’s a grand city tradition to hoist a huge inflatable Santa on to the city’s Town Hall. Not forgetting the religious side of things, a giant revolving nativity scene will be the centrepiece of the market. Runs until December 23. visitmanchester.com

Photos: Getty, Thinkstock

Cardiff: Christmas Market Spread across the Hayes, Trinity Street, Working Street and St John’s Church area, Cardiff’s festive market has a strong focus on its Welsh heritage – offering an alternative from the usual German themes.

BUYER’S MARKET: Most of the stalls here sell traditional regional gifts, such as carved Welsh lovespoons, pewter products, thrown pottery, Christmas lanterns and local artwork. Visitors can also commission crafty personalised gifts from the talented artisans around the precinct or chow down on seasonal fare.

XMAS X-FACTOR: It’s going to be extremely nippy in Cardiff at this time of year, so make sure you take time to warm your cockles with a generous nip of whiskey or fruit and

cream liqueurs sold from many of the stalls. Runs until December 23. cardiffchristmasmarket.com Edinburgh: Highland Christmas Market Edinburgh has hosted a festive market since medieval times, and this one at East Princes Street Gardens has a welcoming Scottish flavour, from the foodstuffs to the atmosphere.

BUYER’S MARKET: The eclectic Scottish produce is enough to make your mouth water – juicy sausages, fried potato cakes, gourmet venison burgers and speciality hot chocolate made with a whole Mars bar – that’ll put some flesh on your bones.

XMAS X-FACTOR: Edinburgh’s pretty winter ice rink is right next door to the market, so go for a spin once you’ve finished shopping. They serve large mugs of mulled wine here, too, to keep you toasty warm. Both the market and the ice rink are operating until January 6. edinburghschristmas.com Leeds: Christkindelmarkt Leeds goes all out every year with this German Christmas Market in Millennium Square.

BUYER’S MARKET: The festive village holds more than 40 traditional wooden chalet stalls and Alpine-style log cabins from which cutesy gifts such as hand-crafted jewellery, seasonal decorations and wooden toys are sold. Naturally, there will be heaps of German seasonal munchies on offer – think stollen, gingerbread, bratwurst. The old-fashioned carousel ride is extra fun after a glass or two of glühwein.

XMAS X-FACTOR: This is Leeds, so naturally the majority of visitors are as interested in festive boozing as Christmas shopping. The ever-popular Frankfurter Scheune is a large hall built just for this, serving hot, Christmas cocktails, mulled wine and German beers, along with grub. Bavarian bands will be performing NYE 2013: here every night of the Where to do some market, too. Runs until serious partying December 16. leeds.gov.uk

NEXT WEEK

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LATEDEALS

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DEAL OF THE WEEK

£157

An eight day tour of California, plus a tour of the Vegas strip, is £753pp with Intrepid Travel

< £250

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TUNISIA Seven nights costs £205pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes flights and four-star, all-inclusive accommodation at the Skanes Serail Hotel. Departs London Gatwick on December 2.

CHAMROUSSE A seven-night ski trip £399pp with STA Travel (0800 9880390; statravel.co.uk).

Includes return flights and self-catering accommodation at the three-star Chamrousse Apartments, equipment hire and lift pass. Book by November 30. Departs London Gatwick on January 12, 2013.

EGYPT A nine-day tour costs £269pp (save 50 per cent) with Traveltalk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Includes five- and four-star accommodation, some meals and visits to Cairo, Giza, the Pyramids and more. Excludes flights. Book by November 30.

Departs Cairo on December 24.

> £500 CHICAGO A three-night stay costs £699pp with Travelbag (0871 7034240; travelbag.co.uk).

Includes return direct flights and three-star, room-only accommodation at the Essex Inn. Book by December 15.

Valid for travel December 1-15.

Departs London Gatwick.

CALIFORNIA An eight-day tour costs £752pp with Intrepid Travel (intrepidtravel.com; 0844 4998487). Includes room-only accommodation, entrance fees to Death Valley National Park, plus a Las Vegas strip tour and more. Excludes flights.

Book by Dec 25. Departs LA on Dec 28.

CHAMONIX Seven days skiing is £629pp (save 10 per cent) with Traveltalk (traveltalktours.com; 0208 0998852). Includes multi-room, all-inclusive accommodation, ski pass and instruction. Excludes flights.

Book by November 30. Departs February 3, 10 and 17, 2013.

DAILY TRAVEL DEALS GO TO tntmagazine.com/travel/latedeals where new travel deals are updated daily.

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EDINBURGH A two-night break costs £113pp with easyJet Holidays (easyJet.com/holidays; 0843 1041000). Includes return flights and three-star, B&B accommodation at the Holiday Inn Express City. Departs London Stansted on December 9.

CHATSWORTH A two-night stay costs £65pp with Great Little Breaks (08448 488488; greatlittlebreaks.com). Includes four-star, B&B accommodation at the Hallmark Hotel Derby. Excludes transport. Valid until December 23.

TURKEY A nine-day tour costs £199pp (save 50 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Includes five- and four-star accommodation, some meals, visits to Gallipoli and more. Excludes flights and local payment. Book by November 30.

Departs Istanbul on December 8.

PARIS A two-night stay costs £168pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes return flights and three-star, B&B accommodation. Departs London Luton on December 11.

ALGARVE A seven-night stay costs £125pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes flights and four-star, all-inclusive accommodation at the Clube Praia da Oura Aparthote.

Departs from London Stansted on December 7.

£250 – £500

KRAKOW BREAK A two-night stay with easyJet Holidays (0843 104 1000; easyJet.com/holidays).

Includes return flights and five-star, room-only accommodation at the Holiday Inn. Departs London Gatwick on December 5.

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RUTH ROXANNE BOARD

HOTSHOTS WINNER

Talks travel photography

HAPPY DAYS Brian Hennessy, Antrim, Northern Ireland

WHY IT WORKS This is one sad looking clown. His bright clothes, red hair, jolly balloons and face paint are at odds with his bored and indifferent expression.

Usually the participants of gay pride events, like this one, are full of life and enthusiasm as they lap up the attention and celebrate their sexuality. This young man in Belfast looks quite out of place. Perhaps he has wandered into the wrong procession.

RUNNER-UP CHEEKY MONKEYS Helen Parselle, Worcester, UK

WHY IT WORKS Rhesus monkeys scavenge for food in the city of Shimla, India. Once the summer capital of British India, this mountain town’s now famous for its pesky primate population. The mother grabs the newspaper to inspect its contents while her offspring looks up in anticipation. A slice of their life within ours.

RUNNER-UP

WINNER

HOT TIPS: Streetscapes Street photography is all about documenting daily life to produce captivating and interesting images. When you are out and about, slow down and stop every now and then to take in the scene around you. People and events will come to you rather than you going to look for them. When shooting, focus on a person’s eyes. Direct eye contact will make a more powerful image. Concentrate

on the details of a scene rather than trying to get an overall shot. Even the smallest item can tell a story about the wearer or location. Also try frames that are devoid of people. Recording how humans interact with an area and leave their mark can be just as interesting as their living counterparts.

Finally, try shooting at night without a flash to achieve a moody and hyper-real quality.

A THREE DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE

WIN

Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com). Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

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TOP FIVE

BOOZY TOURS

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BROOKLYN, US

California, here I come

TOWER23 OVERVIEW Right on the boardwalk at Pacific Beach in San Diego, this trendy all-white hotel is the perfect spot for some California dreaming.

‘PB’, as it’s known to the locals, is a popular haunt for college students, so by day you can watch the hard-bodies rollerblading on the boardwalk or playing Frisbee on the beach, while by night it’d be rude not to join them at the surrounding seafront bars. As a result, the clientele here fall into two, complimentary categories: young and beautiful.

WOW FACTOR Location, location, location – wander onto your balcony of a sunny San Diego morning to drink in the clusters of surfers catching early morning waves, palm trees swaying in the breeze, and the dramatic cliffs of La Jolla in the distance. The holiday vibes couldn’t come any stronger, with the whole scene afforded a celluloid polish under the clear California-blue sky.

ROOMS Huge. You could swing several felines around your cream-painted digs, and whirl a few more with gay abandon in the bathroom, which has a large walk-in shower and generously sized tub. Still, you’re likely to want to spend most of your time people-watching at your table on the sea-facing balcony.

BILL PLEASE Rooms from £148pn.

723 Felspar Street, Pacific Beach, CA 92109 t23hotel.com

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Perhaps one of the best ways to get an insight into a foreign country is to sample its booze: local liquor is as fundamental to national identity as food and sport. When you think about it, what would the Russian stereotype be without its vodka? Or the Scot without its whisky? The Greek without its ouzo? The German without its stein? Thus, TNT is happy to conclude that taking a booze tour when abroad is a cultural must, to be chiselled on the to-do list alongside crumbling ruins and natural wonders. An elaborate excuse to get pissed? Never!

One of our favourite spots for an alcoholic education has got to be Brooklyn Brewery in New York. The growing reputation of the Brooklyn brand – is there an east London hipster pub without it? – mirrors just how happening the Stateside borough itself has become in recent times. Once a gangster stronghold and subject of bighaired bitchiness on Sex And The City, going over the bridge now connects folks to a more cutting edge New York than that found in Manhattan – and

one that takes its beer very seriously.

As such, and mercifully, you won’t have much luck finding the ‘big three’ in good bars in Brooklyn, so if you fancy a Bud, a Coors or a Miller Light, best head back over the East River. What you will find, however, is a wide selection of micro-brews from across the country, inviting you into an increasingly popular US subculture – and that Brooklyn label is damn near inescapable.

‘Small Batch Tours’ at Brooklyn Brewery take place Monday to Thursday at 5pm, and must be reserved.

They’re limited to just 30 ‘souls’ and cost a paltry £5, which includes a guided tasting of four beers. They had us at ‘four beers’, but if you need more convincing, this jolly jaunt includes a guided tour of the brewhouse and an in-depth history lesson (remember, this is beer history, so it’s not to be snored at). You also get a complimentary Brooklyn brewery stemware glass, saving you the effort of nicking one when you’re out on the town. brooklynbrewery.com

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ISLAY, SCOTLAND

Why tour one whisky distillery when you can take in eight? Head to the Hebridean Isle of Islay off Scotland’s west coast and stagger a trail through the country’s top single malts.

The homes of brands Ardbeg, Bowmore, Bruichladdich, Kilchoman, Bunnahabhain, Caol Ila, Lagavulin and Laphroaig all reside here. Known particularly for their strong, peaty flavours, whisky wimps need not apply to dally with these drams. islayinfo.com

Photos: Getty, Thinkstock

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DUBLIN, IRELAND

What would a trip to Dublin be without paying a visit to the Guinness Storehouse? The black stuff has stood as a symbol of Ireland since the 1700s.

The Storehouse is a sort of Disneyland for stout lovers: marvel at the world’s largest Guinness glass, capable of holding 14.3 million pints; then learn how to pour the perfect tipple (shamrock pattern on top of the foam optional) and drink it at the Gravity Bar with a 360-degree view of Dublin. Tickets about £12. guinness-storehouse.com

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TOP FIVE

HERTFORDSHIRE, ENGLAND

Cycle the cider route through Hertfordshire’s apple orchard-dotted countryside, stopping off at cider mills along the way for a spot of refreshment.

There are a couple of circular paths which take you through the finest cider-producing areas. Hop off the saddle and receive some schooling before accepting a few sips, then wobble onwards. And repeat. ciderroute.co.uk

5

TEQUILA, MEXICO

Face your fears and take a tour around a distillery specialising in the world’s most evil spirit: tequila.

The Mundo Cuervo operation in, appropriately, Tequila, around 37 miles from Guadalajara, shows you how the demon drink starts life as the innocent-looking agave plant, only to have its pinas cooked and transformed into a devastating Jose Cuervo. Tours are available with or without tasting – do what you dare. Book tours from Guadalajara for about £18.

NEXT WEEK Sacred spots: Get in touch with your spiritual side

mundocuervo.com

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READERS’ TIPS ON SCUBA DIVING

LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

planning on visiting a friend who Q I’m lives near Madrid in May, and I’d like to spend a few days in the city as well.

What are the must-see places I should stick on my to-do list?

Kate, via email be spoilt for choice in Madrid.

A You’ll If you’re an art lover, visit the Museo

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like to visit both cities – can I fit them into a one-week holiday? I’m going next month, so can you recommend some cool, wintery things to do while I’m there?

Sean, via email The trip from Helsinki to A Absolutely.

Tallinn is a popular route, so services are plentiful. The ferry runs daily from the port at Länsiterminaali and takes three hours, costing around £17. If you’re not too worried about your budget, though, book a Linda Line catamaran instead (lindaline.fi/en). It’s more expensive at £20 one way, but only takes an hour and a half.

Day trips from Helsinki to Tallinn are possible, but there’s plenty to do in the Estonian capital, so I’d suggest spending a few days here to make the most of it.

Tallinn’s medieval Old Town is great for wandering around in the winter, and looks absolutely magical when it’s snowing, which it probably will be in December. Check out the Christmas tree in Town Hall Square, shop at the old-fashioned Christmas Market, and have a spin on the outdoor ice rink.

Helsinki’s sightseeing highlights include the fortress island of Suomenlinna and the unusual circular church of Temppeliaukion Kirkko, but if you get too chilly outside, take a steamy dip in the Kotiharjun sauna. The nightlife here is terrific too – bars are quirky and unique, and most clubs stay open until 4am at the weekends.

TANKING IT I’m not confident underwater at all, but I built up slowly and did some practice sessions in a shallow pool first – which I’d recommend to nervous divers. Then I ended up doing an aquarium shark dive in Scotland! It was the scariest thing I’ve EVER done. Next stop, open waters in Malaysia – here I come!

Ellie Li, via email A LONELY PLANET GUIDE

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Lonely Planet’s Laura Lindsay will give you the benefit of her infinite wisdom if you email a question to traveltips@tntmagazine.com.

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This is a reader forum — TNT and Lonely Planet accepts no responsibility for any loss, injury or inconvenience sustained by anyone using the information provided.

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Nacional del Prado, which has more than 7000 masterpieces, including works by Goya and Rubens. The 18th-century building they’re housed in is equally stunning. You can also view some great works at Museo de la Escultura Abstracta – an open-air collection of abstract works of art, including those of Miró.

You won’t be surprised to hear that football is a big deal here. If you’re a fan, go along to the Estadio Santiago Bernabéu, the home of Real Madrid FC. Try to get tickets to see a match and soak up the raucous atmosphere in this epic stadium, or just check out the museum, which groans under the weight of all those trophies on display.

There are heaps of festivities and events on during the month you’ll be visiting, beginning with El Dos de Mayo on May 3. This is best experienced in Malasaña, where you’ll find live gigs and plenty of parties in the local bars.

Mid-month you can enjoy the city’s patron saint’s celebrations, Fiestas de San Isidro, which include a colourful procession through the town centre followed by a week of arts, music and foodie events.

heard it’s possible to travel from Q I’ve Helsinki to Tallinn by boat, and I would

SPIT IT OUT TIP This is really gross, but when OF THE WEEK I was diving in Fiji last year, the instructor told me if my goggles steamed up just to spit in them and rub it around on the lenses.

I don’t know why but it really worked!

I got freaked out underwater when I couldn’t see properly, so this really helped me out.

Susannah Fisher, via email

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A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

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Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world.

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PETRA, JORDAN Michal Kozab, from Poland

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

JOHN SMITH, 25

JORDAN CLARE, 18

London, England

Wirral, England

BEST Barcelona, for the culture and nightlife. I really enjoyed seeing Gaudi’s work at the Basilica de la Sagrada Familia. It was great to experience the nightlife and the bars, too – a really vibrant place.

Your most memorable travel experience?

Swimming with dolphins in Mexico was amazing. I also went on safari in Africa which was an experience I’ll never forget.

The weirdest thing that’s happen to you overseas? I was staying in a hotel room in Mexico when I realised there were monkeys hanging around just outside the window! Weird but incredible.

Your top travelling tip? Just be wise, inquisitive, make sure to enjoy it and try absolutely everything!

WORST A motel somewhere in the west of the US. It was like something out of The Simpsons or Family Guy, an absolute cartoonish dive of a hotel. No clean water, and I got bitten by god knows what in the night – proper grotty! » Tell us your best/worst trips, email helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

SPLASHING OUT

THE INSIDER

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THE PRINCE HARRY VEGAS PACKAGE Copy the poshest party animal in England with a boozy jaunt to Las Vegas Aimed, not surprisingly, at stag parties, this threenight stay costs £1,899pp with Maximise (0208 2360111; maximise.co.uk) allows you to follow in the party prince’s footsteps with limo rides, XS nightclub trip and staying in Harry’s suite, complete with billiards table and touch screen curtains.

PAUL EVANS Low Cost Travel Group CEO

My favourite place in the world is Majorca – we have a house there, so I consider it my second home.

My first ever big trip was all over the world. I spent all my youth overseas in Switzerland, Argentina and Brazil, and from when I was only seven years old I used to fly on my own to Buenos Aires.

My most challenging travel experience was getting malaria as a kid in Angola.

The next trip on my travel wish list is an adventure across Mongolia or perhaps to take a drive down the Californian coast – I like the idea of the freedom that both of those holidays would offer.

My guilty travel pleasure is eating too much local food whenever I’m away.

My top travel tip is this motto – it is not the place you go to but the people you are with and meet that counts.

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What goes up: hiking on Untersberg

Salzburg AUSTRIA

GERMANY Vienna Salzburg

AUSTRIA

GETTING GETTINGTHERE THERE Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Fly London Stansted to Salzburg from ÂŁ95.60 return with Ryanair. ryanair.com

Scenic: taking the easy way 72

Ancient: [Caption]Hohensalzburg fortress

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Make it schnappy Pristine ski slopes, snowscapes, schnapps and leather mini-skirts in the Austrian alps, yet there’s barely another tourist in sight WORDS NICK DALTON

I’m hurtling down the Hermann Maier World Cup run at a rate that’s nothing short of fast and furious. I’ve been skiing since first light, swishing across slopes from the mountain commune of Alpendorf, via the small town of Wagrain. I’ve had my head in the clouds, plunged down snowy, tree-lined routes and now the sun is blazing down on the wide-open base area of Flachau. This is Austria in peak season and my day has everything. Except crowds, that is.

I’m exploring one of the country’s secret skiing spots, yet it’s ‘hidden’ less than an hour’s drive from Salzburg. The Salzburger Sportwelt has 200km of slopes and while it’s not somewhere that would challenge experts – there’s barely a black run across four valleys – the ease of flying over these perfectly powdery snows makes me want to whoop with giddy satisfaction.

I finally stop to catch my breath at Flachauwinkl, where a free tractor-pulled trailer shuttles skiers to the lift at Zauchensee. The resort’s Gamskogel Mountain, a soaring peak at 2188m, is the region’s highest point, and as the gondola takes me slowly upwards, I’m almost dumbstruck at how pristine the open slopes look beneath me. There are easy blue and moderate red runs but I find an off-piste route that doesn’t even touch the groomed slopes and arrive at the bottom again, breathless but exhilarated.

The moderate prices of the Sportwelt reflect the fact that few British tour operators have bothered with the area, because it only has small villages as opposed to more established, tourist-drawing resorts. In fact, Alpendorf is little more than a collection of hotels around the Rodelbahn gondola, but to me, it’s certainly none the worse for that.

My day’s last run finishes at the Oberforsthof, a rustic ski-in, ski-out hotel. I have a beer at the Panorama Lounge, a glassenclosed deck with comfy chairs, furry cushions, log-burning stove and views over the twinkling lights of the Salzach Valley. Feeling a little less steady on my skis after the drink, I then slip and slide down to the wooden shack that is the Eule (sporthotel-alpina.com), where there’s a buzzing crowd enjoying the après-ski action as snow starts to fall.

Later that evening, I meet up with some ski buddies and head for the cheery Oberforsthof restaurant, where waitresses are clad in short leather skirts and long leather boots – a very distracting combo. We tuck into one of the most flavoursome starters I’ve ever eaten, the signature hot

carpaccio – finely sliced raw beef topped with cheese and grilled, then laden with truffle oil and rocket. As the evening gets going, the DJ cranks up the volume, people take to the dancefloor and the schnapps starts to flow.

After countless sticky shots, we head for Butz & Stingl, the liveliest bar in town, where the party rages into the early hours. It’s impossible to avoid dancing in this log cabin

“

It’s peak season, but there are no crowds

”

venue, as I’m always crushed against someone who is already throwing shapes.

After several textbook-perfect days of skiing by day and boozing by night, it’s time to move on to the Untersberg, a forbidding flat-top mountain on the edge of Salzburg. ››

Solitude: Salzburg’s slopes aren’t much for socialising TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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This is a place of legends – Emperor Charlemagne, ruler of most of western Europe in the 7th century, is said to sleep inside. He’s supposed to wake every 100 years and, if ravens are still flying round the mountaintop, he dozes off again; but if they’re gone, it’s time for a final battle.

A 50-year-old cable car hoists me up the near-vertical side and across a chasm before landing. This mountain, used mainly by Austrians who are trying to avoid tourists, isn’t actually an official ski area, but has just one 8km off-piste run. I struggle behind Christian, my ski patroller guide, on a 10-minute hike, wondering if the effort is going to be worth it. But once we reach the top and head off down the narrow track between rocks, trees and cliff faces, the views are stupendous. Snowy mountains in one direction, flat, green valley floor below. And best of all, not a tourist in sight.

Christian points out the city’s ancient hilltop Hohensalzburg fortress as we snake along ridges and through gullies, before stopping at the Schwiegmühlalm, a hut serving more bellywarming shots of schapps. “Oh the parties we’ve had here,” he says with a glint in his eye. At least you can be sure of no gatecrashing tourists, I think. No wonder the locals love it. ❚

Picture perfect: Alpendorf

NEXT WEEK Swiss adventure capital: We hit the ziplines in Interlaken

MIDRANGE

LUXURY

St Paul Stube is one of the best value venues in Salzburg – students and locals flock in for soups, sausages and such until 2am.

Dishes start from £7.20. paul-stube.at

Crispy, thin pizzas from a traditional wood-fired oven can be munched at Pizzeria Bistro (left) in Hotel Alpina, a smart take on a basic pizzeria.

Pizzas from £8. sporthotel-alpina.com

Oberforsthof Alm is everything you’d expect of an Austrian restaurant, but with a modern take on traditional fare, including game specials. Main courses from £16. oberforsthofalm.at

DRINK

Augustiner Braustübl (above) in Salzburg is Austria’s largest beer hall, a collection of ancient rooms with vaulted ceilings. No music, just one beer (pay, grab a glass and get it filled from the barrel) – plus lots of sausages. £2.40 for 500ml. augustinerbier.at

Butz & Stingl is a throbbing log cabin bar in the middle of Alpendorf.

The rustic, fairytale venue (left) is filled with dance music, smoke and swaying bodies. Beers from £2.40. butzundstingl.at

Wine Cellar, is a vaulted-ceiling den, all brick and wood, beneath the four star-plus Hotel Alpina. Conveniently located next to the gondola. Drinks from £4. sporthotel-alpina.com

SLEEP

Haus Heigl is a neat, family-run set of apartments on the main street.

There’s a free sauna and pool. Twobedroom apartment for four from £55 per night. pension-edelweiss.cc

Hotel Rothirsch (left) is smart but unassuming. It has perhaps the Alps’ smallest, cosiest cellar bar, the Platzhirsch, but you can still dance in there. Rooms from £55pp, half board. hotelrothirsch.com

Hotel am Dom in Salzburg is a kitsch Seventies fantasy of white leather and fur (above), set in a timbered medieval building in the old town. From £72pp for bed and breakfast. hotelamdom.at

EAT

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Photos: Frank Heuer/Tourismus Salzburg, Nick Dalton, Getty

BUDGET

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TRAVELWEEKENDER

Scandanavian sights This is Oslo in 48 hours WORDS HELEN ELFER

DAY 1: 10:00 Oslo is the perfect place if you want to experience some soul-enriching culture or sporty adventures in the surrounding woodlands and water. It’s pretty and laidback. But, be warned – this is 2012’s most expensive city in the world, so you’ll need to budget accordingly, and take advantage of as many deals and freebies as you can. Set up your weekend with a feed at Colletts Cafe (mains from £9, Colletts Gate 33, 1069 Oslo. Tel. 00 47 22601929), which serves omelettes and full English breakfasts. Then invest in an Oslo Pass (visitoslo.com), which for £30 covers you for all public transport and most museums and sights for 24 hours. It’s a must-buy to keep costs down.

11:00 Make your way to Bygdøy, a peninsula on the western side of Oslo, which is packed with museums. Not surprisingly, almost all of them are boat-related. First stop on your list here should be the Viking Ship Museum (£6.50 or free with Oslo Pass; vikingeskibsmuseet.dk). Pretend you’re a bearded chieftain as you check out the old Viking boats that fill the main hall.

12:00 A short walk from here at the Fram Museum (£6.50 or free with Oslo Pass; frammuseum.no), you can clamber aboard what is allegedly the strongest wooden ship ever built, or learn about Norway’s most famous explorer, Thor Heyerdahl, at The Kon-Tiki Museum (£6.50 or free with Oslo Pass; kon-tiki.no).

13:00 All that talk of the high seas will have given you an appetite, so head to Kaffebrenneriet (mains from about £8, Grønlandsleiret 32, 0190 Oslo. Tel. 00 47 22461390) for artisan sandwiches stuffed with cheese and ham.

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14:00 Once you’ve refuelled, get back on the culture trail with a visit to Vigelandsparken Sculpture Park (free; visitnorway.com/uk), where you’ll find some spectacular statues, including the Monolith, a 14m-high column carved out of a single stone with 121 human figures intertwined on it, among many others.

15:00 By now you’ll be itching to see some of Oslo’s beautiful outdoors, so do it the budget way and head to Vippetangen Port, where you can catch public ferries to take you on a 40-minute circuit of the inner fjord, stopping off at some of Oslo’s islands if you feel like it.

17:00 Go for a quick wander round Oslo’s Opera House (operaen.no). You might not have the inclination, or the cash for that matter, to take in a performance, but the award-winning architecture (see main image) inspired by the shape of an iceberg is jaw-droppingly impressive.

19:00 Treat yourself to a meal at Dinner (mains from £20; dinner.no), a rather swanky Chinese restaurant serving delectable dim sum and Szechuan cuisine.

21:00 Follow up with a few drinks at the Beer Palace (500ml from £5.50; beerpalace.no), a multi-storey on Aker Brygge, a regenerated former shipyard complex. This pub serves more than 70 different kinds of the amber nectar – a palace indeed.

DAY 2: 10:00 One of Oslo’s best-value backpacker hostels is Haraldsheimen (dorms from £26; haraldsheim.oslo.no), which is just 20 minutes away from the city centre by tram.

Breakfast is included with each stay, so get some toast, eggs and coffee down you before heading out for the day.

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Photos: Nancy Bundt, Terje Borud / Innovation Norway, Getty

Sexy stonework: Vigelandsparken Sculpture Park

11:00 On your way into town, stop to take a mid-morning stroll around the scenic Sognsvann Lake – that should clear away any cobwebs from last night’s beery session.

13:00 In the city centre, head to Karl Johans Gate for a bit of shopping. The main souvenirs on offer are figurines of ugly trolls from Nordic folklore or, of course, helmets, horns and anything else Viking-related.

14:00 You’d be crazy not to sample Norwegian shrimp at some point during the weekend, so go to the dock for lunch. At Fisherman’s Coop (Rådhusbrygge 3/4) you can get peeled shrimp with a baguette for around £5.

16:00 Squeeze in a visit to the National Gallery (nasjonalmuseet.no), which houses one of the original series of Edvard Munch’s The Scream. More contemporary works, including a large collection of Damien Hirst’s works, can be found in the Astrup Fearnley Museum of Modern Art (afmuseet.no/en). Has all this left you feeling overwhelmingly existential? Better find a pub…

18:00 Seek out a cosy corner at Champagneria (wine from approx £7, Frognerveien 2, 0257 Oslo. Tel. 00 47 21948802) for some stylish pre-dinner drinks.

20:00 Move on to Ekeberg Restaurant (mains from £16, ekebergrestauranten.com) for a final dinner of seasonal Norwegian tucker, such as grilled fish and roasted vegetables. They change the menu to suit the best ingredients of the day, so you know it’ll be good.

Fly from London Stansted to Oslo with Ryanair from £32 return bookryanair.com

Fresh: snack on seafood at Fisherman’s Coop

On the rocks: get an Oslo tan TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Scuba holidays AROUND THE WORLD

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Under the sea Sinister wrecks, rainbow-coloured reefs, sociable sharks, luminous sea life and a host of natural wonders can be explored in flippers WORDS HELEN ELFER

All you can hear is the sound of your own slow breathing.

Lurid yellow, orange and pink fish flash by, like tiny electric bolts. Your flippers gently brush against the tips of swaying tropical plants and with each metre you swim deeper, there’s another underwater scene, each one more mesmerising than the last. Welcome to the world of scuba diving.

Whether you’re totally hooked on discovering rare marine life, into photographing surreal coral formations, or are planning your very first dive and just don’t want to get chewed up by a shark, we’ve got the perfect diving destination for you here. From Mexican coral reefs to Second World War shipwrecks in Egypt, to the cutest collection of tropical baby fish you'll ever see in Mozambique, these are the kind of underwater adventures that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

BEST FOR: Wreck diving WHAT: There’s something about the idea of exploring decades-old shipwrecks that captures the imagination. Perhaps it’s the eerie serenity when once the wreck must have been a scene of chaos – or maybe we’ve watched Titanic too often.

The SS Thistlegorm, near Egypt’s popular dive resort Sharm el Sheikh, is one of the world’s most famous wreck diving sites. The British Merchant Navy ship was heading from Glasgow to Alexandria in 1941, bringing supplies to the Allied Forces stationed there, when it was sunk by the Germans near Ras Muhammad in the Red Sea. The ship was carrying everything from rifles to jeeps and wellies, all of which now sit at the bottom of the ocean, including the ship itself, complete with the hole where the bomb exploded.

Divers can explore around and inside the silty wreck, using torches to illuminate the rusty artillery and armed vehicles.

Venturing inside a wreck can require extra training, so check what qualifications you need before you book.

VISIBILITY: Up to 30m ssthistlegorm.com

BEST FOR: Sharks WHAT: It’s a brave (or barmy) diver that goes in search of sharks – did you not watch Jaws as a kid? But if you’re one of these adrenaline junkies, and your idea of a great diving trip

involves coming face to face with the toothy grin of one of nature’s most bloodthirsty species, then the place to do it is the southern Bahamas. You won’t find many tour operators eager to take groups swimming with man-eating beasts, but if that’s really what you want, Divequest (divequest.co.uk) runs trips here where there are occasional sightings of deadly bull sharks. Thrill seekers, be careful what you do with this information.

Otherwise, head to Elephant Head Rock in Thailand, where the kinds of sharks you’ll find – black tip, white tip and leopards – aren’t dangerous to humans, but are still exhilarating to swim near, if a little intimidating.

As well as the sharks, you’ll also be able to see blue-ringed angelfish, triggerfish and bicolour parrotfish. Those who choose to descend further will be rewarded with glimpses of snapper and yellow goatfish, too.

VISIBILITY: 20-40m thailand-divers.com

BEST FOR: Coral reefs WHAT: Even the most “been there, seen that” divers still get a little misty-eyed when anyone mentions Palancar Reef. It’s off the southwest side of the island of Cozumel, part of the Arrecifes de Cozumel National Park, in Mexico. It has four of the most spectacular coral reefs in the world, as well as being home to home to sea turtles, rays, nurse sharks, barracudas, moray eels, lobsters, crabs and a kaleidoscope of colourful fish.

The Palancar Caves are the most famous because of their huge brain corals and swim-through tunnels. Palancar Horseshoe is an alternative formation of huge corals, or you can venture to Palancar Bricks, which gets its name from the red bricks that were dropped into the area by a capsized barge in the Fifties. The coral and sponges here are captivating and there’s a chance you’ll also get to see some turtles as well as stingrays.

This area is an excellent place for first-time divers to dip their toes in the water, so to speak. Palancar Gardens is a shallow diving spot with mellow currents, and is so pretty it’s been nicknamed the ‘underwater Garden of Eden’.

You’ll see rock buttresses covered with sponges, hydrocoral ›› and gorgonians, as well as tropical fish such as queen TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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(Clockwise) Palancar’s dazzling coral; backward roll entry; the murky SS Thistlegorm wreck angels and, if you’re really lucky, giant sea turtles. It’s also an excellent place to practice your underwater photography – the diving itself is quite straightforward, the water is clear and the colours and shapes to be seen are nothing short of inspirational.

VISIBILITY: 30-50m buceopalancar.com

to also admire the rest of the underwater sights, including staghorn coral stands, spotted sweetlips and pufferfish.

Lionfish and moray eels are also common here and if you’re lucky you could get to see a swirling tornado-like formation of barracudas.

VISIBILITY: 10-20m sipadan.com

BEST FOR: Marine life WHAT: Sipadan Island, off Malaysia, tops the list of practically every ‘best dives’ list ever compiled for many reasons. The incredible 3000 species of fish, not to mention the eyepopping walls of living coral, are just two of them.

But however you choose to spend your time underwater, just make sure you fit in a dive to Turtle Patch, which is located in the southeast corner of the island, just to the northeast of South Point.

Green and hawksbill turtles mate and nest here, and a turtle tomb lies underneath the column of the island. This submerged limestone cave contains a labyrinth of tunnels and chambers that contain the skeletons of poor turtles that got lost and died before finding the surface.

A large number of giant turtles come to the patch to rest on the sandy bottom or feed on the sponges. They’re so accustomed to seeing divers, that they’re not in the slightest bit fazed by their presence, meaning it’s possible to get very close without disturbing them.

Experienced divers recommend the best way of taking in the Turtle Patch is to go first thing in the morning, and let yourself be swept along by the current, which will take you through shallows at a steady pace as you take in the scenery. While you’re looking out for turtles, don’t forget 82

Streamline: a blacktip shark

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BEST FOR: Tropical fish WHAT: If you’ve been harbouring fantasies about your own Finding Nemo moment, go to Clownfish Reef in Mozambique. Because the reef is sheltered and so shallow, at a maximum of 11m, it’s become a nursery for baby fish, so as well as the cute orange and black clownfish, there are little emperor angelfish, tiny lionfish, baby octopus, small scorpionfish and many other miniature tropical critters.

Further south on Mozambique’s east coast is Manta Reef, where you’ll find giant manta rays up to 6m wide. Schools of fish swim about here and you’ll be able to goggle at colours and patterns you couldn’t even dream up. Yellow snapper, barracuda, bigeyes, fusiliers, bright blue, redtooth triggerfish, tiny goldies and fairy basslets are just some of the species you can admire here.

VISIBILITY: 15-30m visitmozambique.net

“

Goggle at thousands of bright tropical fish

BEST FOR: Caves

”

WHAT: Another dive sight for daredevils, the menacingly named Great Blue Hole, is a submarine sinkhole 300m wide and 124m deep. Formed during the last ice age, it’s made up of karst limestone formations which, over the years, have evolved into ledges that give way to a dark chasm.

Only advanced divers will be able to tackle these waters, but inside are multi-colored stalactites and stalagmites, submerged caves and all sorts of mysterious marine life lurking in the dark blue shadows.

Watch out for giant groupers, nurse sharks and Caribbean reef sharks swimming in this natural phenomenon VISIBILITY: 15-30m travelbelize.org ››

Menacing: tigers are among the most dangerous shark species

UK shark dives You don’t have to go somewhere exotic to dive; save yourself the airfare and try one of these shark-infested waters closer to home instead.

Blue Planet Aquarium, Cheshire You’re guaranteed up-close-and-personal encounters with all manner of toothy creatures at Cheshire’s Blue Planet Aquarium. This centre has the largest collection of sharks in Europe, including sand tigers, nurse, zebra, guitar and lemon sharks. The aquarium offers different experiences for PADI-qualified divers and first-timers.

PRICE: From £130pp blueplanetaquarium.com

Deep Sea World, Fife Introduce yourself to an endangered local species, the angel shark, at Fife’s Deep Sea World. The angel shark is a flat shark species which used to be found lurking around the UK’s sea beds in deep, muddy waters, but was declared locally extinct in the North Sea in 2006.

You can’t dive with these, but you can get in the tank with sand tiger sharks, conger eels, thornback rays and a stingray.

PRICE: From £145pp deepseaworld.com

Cage Diving, Cornwall The surfers might not be too happy to hear this, but there are lots of predatory basking sharks off the coast of Cornwall. They grow to a whopping 12mlong and have those horrible gaping mouths, but if you’re brave enough to want to visit them you can do so in a purpose-built steel shark cage with Atlantic Diver. Book early, as there aren’t many tour operators certified to run this trip, so places fill up months in advance.

PRICE: From £95pp atlanticdiver.co.uk

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BEST FOR: Volcanoes WHAT: The remote island of Pulau Weh, off Indonesia’s Sumatra, is seriously off the beaten track, but if you make the trip you’ll find practically everything on your must-see diving ticklist – sharks, coral, tropical fish and wrecks.

It also offers a rare sight on top of all of that: the very active underwater volcano. At the relatively shallow depth of 9m, hot gases steam out of fumaroles from the sea floor and you can swim safely through the sea of bubbles. A dive to see these hot springs is often done in conjunction with a visit to Bu Hila, a well-preserved wrecked tug boat at about 15m deep.

The other selling point of Pulau Weh is that its waters attract sunfish, manta rays and, the largest of all, the whale shark. There have also been a few sightings of the extremely elusive megamouth shark – as terrifying-looking as they are rare, these weigh up to a tonne and grow up to 5m. They swim around with their big rubbery mouths wide open. In other words, if you do see one, stay out of its way.

VISIBILITY: 30-40m pulauwehresort.com

Into the deep: Belize’s Great Blue Hole

PADI perfect: learning to dive

BEST OF THE REST PADI COURSES Caught the diving bug? You’ll need to invest in a PADI (Professional Association of Diving Instructors) course, which range from beginners to specialist training.

VIETNAM Rainbow Divers do a great value PADI Scuba Diver (entry level) course in Nha Trang, which includes half a day of theory, a pool trial and two off-boat dives the next day.

Price: £158.50pp divevietnam.com

Photos: Thinkstock

HAWAII The next level is an Advanced Open Water Course, which gives you experience in deeper dives and navigation techniques. Island Divers Hawaii, in Oahu, offer this course with 2-3 days of boat diving, including wreck diving and night diving.

Price: £250pp

Unfazed: Sipidan Island’s turtles are diver-friendly

oahuscubadiving.com

EGYPT If you want to get a professional qualification, take the PADI Divemaster. It takes between two and four weeks, and you’ll need to have completed 40 dives. Camel Dive Club offer an internship, giving you experience in tutoring others.

Price: £410pp

NEXT WEEK Xmas holidays: Festive frolics overseas

cameldive.com

Nemo: found 84

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XMAS & NEW YEAR TOURS STILL AVAILABLE !

Egypt Full world wо - Pyram s, N e d V y ngs!

£299

pharaohs adventure

6 days

£549

sand blaster

13 days

£349

king tutankhamen

9 days

£649

dunes and tombs

17 days

£399

FHZQU VQMVHHFE

EBZT

£749

beyond the pyramids 12 days

£449

king ramses

13 days

£779

nile and siwa oasis

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NUMBER 1 FOR EGYPT !

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Phone for brochure • Open 9am-9pm 68 North End Road, West Kensington, London W14 9EP

TNT_1526_Travel.indd 91

15 days

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GENUINE ADVENTURES DONE IN STYLE....

Southeast Asia

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7 days

10 days

ÂŁ699

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ÂŁ749

chinese checkers

11 days

ÂŁ1349 sampa, sampans & saigon 14 days

ÂŁ899

DIJOFTF OFX ZFBS

EBZT

ÂŁ1179 vientiane to vietnam

ÂŁ1049 mandarin sunrise

ÂŁ799

MFHFOET PG MBPT

ÂŁ989

very vietnam

ÂŁ2079 inside indochina

17 days 8 days

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ÂŁ1099

15 days

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India & Nepal

Turkey

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ÂŁ549

taj express

8 days

ÂŁ299

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ÂŁ699

taj and tigers

9 days

ÂŁ399

aegean explorer

7 days

ÂŁ749

nepal encompassed

9 days

ÂŁ499

turkey unplugged

7 days

ÂŁ879

annapurna panorama 13 days

ÂŁ899

turkey & egypt

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16 days

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TRAVEL

Egypt

ANZAC

forget!

R aâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s c ng - go nd red curta !

Pyram(s, N)e & V y * +ngs!

£109

anzac express

2 days

£299

pharaohs adventure

6 days

£329

anzac digger

6 days

£349

king tutankhamen

9 days

£479

anzac smoko

8 days

£399

egypt uplugged

10 days

£649

anzac bonzer

11 days

£449

king ramses

13 days

£899

anzac cobber

14 days

£549

sand blaster

13 days

£849

pharaohs & anzac

15 days

£649

dunes and tombs

17 days

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Legendary tour guides 4 & 5 star hotels and desert camps $PNQMJNFOUBSZ BJSQPSU USBOTGFST /P DPNQVMTPSZ TJOHMF TVQQMFNFOUT /P MPDBM QBZNFOUT

NUMBER 1 FOR EGYPT !

Xmas & New Year R a, Moroc$ & Tur.y

Egypt & Jord ! £379

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£429

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£579

christmas in morocco

8 days

£599

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£679

christmas turkey

£1449

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3KRQH IRU EURFKXUH Â&#x2021; 2SHQ DP SP 68 North End Road, West Kensington, London W14 9EP

TNT_1526_Travel.indd 93

12 days

TNTMAGAZINE.COM 5096

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ABTA number W4479

16/11/2012 12 52 23/11/12 10:36:17

plona, La Tom with FFT to Pam d lle ve tra ve â&#x20AC;&#x153; â&#x20AC;&#x153; I ha t Festival Rock! here next? - Firs W . st fe er ob kt O and

Egypt & Jordan

PYRAMIDS & NILE SAILING!

Packages from

ÂŁ259

Egyptian Express - 9 days

fr ÂŁ259

Pyramids & Beaches -14 days

fr ÂŁ359

Pyramids to Petra - 16 days

fr ÂŁ879

XMAS in Berlin Festive Berlin - 5 days

fr ÂŁ199

ADVENTURE TOURS TURKEY

MOROCCO

Best of Turkey - 10 days

fr ÂŁ459

Marrakech & Beyond - 8 days

Coast to Cappadocia - 12 days

fr ÂŁ509

Marrakech, Sahara & Surf - 11 days fr ÂŁ749

fr ÂŁ549

Totally Turkey - 14 days

fr ÂŁ599

Turkey & Egypt - 18 days

fr ÂŁ699

RUSSIA

Istanbul to the Red Sea - 23 days

fr ÂŁ799

Vodka Shot - 6 days

fr ÂŁ449

The Snowball - 6 days

fr ÂŁ399

XMAS & NY Russia The SnowBall - 6 days

fr ÂŁ399

COMING UP FOR 2013!

PADDYS DAY

QUEENS DAY Amsterdam Queens Day Coach

fr ÂŁ219

fr ÂŁ109

Sailing Split - 8 days

fr ÂŁ369

ROYAL ASCOT

PARIS EASTER Baguettes & Bubbles

fr ÂŁ189

CROATIA

ANZAC DAY Turkey or Belgium

Accommodation or Coach

fr ÂŁ399

Race days out

fr ÂŁ79

Snowmad XMAS!

PAMPS â&#x20AC;&#x153;CRACK ONâ&#x20AC;? IN IBIZIA GD\V LQ WKH :RUOG¡V SDUW\ HSLFHQWUH LQFOXGHV QLJKWV +RWHO $FFRPPRGDWLRQ (QWU\ WR WKUHH VXSHUFOXEV 6XQVHW ERDW SDUW\ %HDFK SDUW\ Ibizia Bar Crawl Free club transfers

fr ÂŁ229

TNT_1526_Travel.indd 94

Austria XMAS - 8 days

fr ÂŁ599

Full itineraries and tour information can be found on our website or by calling our RIĂ&#x20AC;FH )LUVW )HVWLYDO 7UDYHO 1RUWK (QG 5G /RQGRQ : (3 &ORVHVW 7XEH :HVW .HQVLQJWRQ

23/11/12 10:36:20

XMAS Markets

BRUGGES: 8-9 DEC, 15-16 DEC

Packages from

TRAVEL

£129

Join us in Brugges and Brussels for the XMAS markets, sip mulled wine, salivate over handmade chocolates and finish the day with a blonde beer! 2 or 3 day hotel/hostel options.

Hogmanay 4 Day EDINBURGH: 30 DEC - 2 JAN

Packages from

£239

The biggest celebration of New Year in Europe and not to be missed! We’re Loony Dook specialists too. Coach from London or accom only - Hostel or Hotel.

Hogmanay 5 Day EDINBURGH: 29 DEC - 2 JAN

Packages from

£259

Leaving Saturday morning for this Epic New Years tour in Edinburgh.You’ll have time to sample Stirling Castle, the Torch Light Procession, the Street Party and Loony Dook!

XMAS Egypt

XMAS AND NEW YEAR TOURS

Packages from

£299

Join us in the ancient land of the Pharaohs for a sunny XMAS and/or New Year in Egypt. 9-day and 14-day tour options.

Formerly

ST PATRICK’s Day DUBLIN 15TH - 18TH MARCH

Packages from

£189

Watch Dublin turn in to a sea of Green as we join with the locals to celebrate Irish Style! And a trip to Dublin wouldnt be complete with out a trip to the Guinness Brewery! Choose our coach tour or meet us in Dublin

5 Day Hogmanay

Xmas Markets

£20

£20

discount

discount

firstfestivaltravel.com 020 7471 6417

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

TNT_1526_Travel.indd 95

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europe

we

FAVOURITE EAST EUROPE & FESTIVAL TOUR OPERATOR 2012

2013 BROCHURE FLEXIBLE COACH NETWORK THROUGH EUROPE

20% OFF* ALL PASSES SAVE up to £166 * Book by 9 DEC. Enter promocode ‘earlybird2013’

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SPAIN, ITALY, IBIZA, CROATIA, GREEK ISLANDS, TURKEY, SCANDINAVIA & THE BALTICS, EGYPT & EASTERN EUROPE

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* Book by 9 DEC. Enter promocode ‘earlybird2013’

* Book by 9 DEC. Enter promocode ‘earlybird2013’

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TAKE A TRADITIONAL CROATIAN CRUISER WITH ITS LOCAL CREW, THE WARM, CRYSTAL CLEAR WATERS OF THE ADRIATIC, A BUNCH OF TRAVELLERS SEEKING FUN AND ADVENTURE AND ADD A BUSABOUT GUIDE. THE RESULT? ONLY ONE OF THE BEST WEEKS OF YOUR LIFE...

Croatia Island Hopper 8 DAYS FROM £424 Departs Split (May - September)

ay On e-Wers!

Pio n e

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8 DAYS FROM £449 Departs Split or Dubrovnik (May - September) WATCH CLIPS

/BusaboutTV

08450 267 514 TNT_1526_Travel.indd 96

Highlights s Anchor up and jump off the s s s s

boat into the Adriatic Sit back with a local beer and watch the yachts come in at Hvar Sipping cocktails at the top of a 14th century tower in Krocula Hike to a pirate fortress for panoramic views of Dalmatia Captain the Pirate Cruiser as it sails along the Dalmatian coast

INCLUSIONS: 7 nights’ accommodation, 7 breakfasts,

7 lunches, fuel supplement, island orientation walks, orientations of Split and Dubrovnik, English speaking Busabout Guide and expert local crew.

www.busabout.com

* Valid on below trips fo Book by 6 Dec. Enter p

20% * OFF E

SAV 63 1 UP TO £ ures.

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info@busabout.com 23/11/12 10:36:24

FAVOURITE EAST EUROPE & FESTIVAL TOUR OPERATOR 2012

Egypt

TRAVEL

Get Festive WINTER SALE

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15% * OFF TO £55

ONE-WAY EGYPT 10 DAYS SAVE £128 WAS £638 NOW £510 Cairo, Pyramids Of Giza, Valley Of The Kings & Dahab DEPARTS 8 & 22 DEC * Book by 9 DEC. Enter promocode ‘egypt’.

P SAVE Ups for 2012 departures. tri * Valid on below ive Trek. Book by 9 DEC. Excludes Fest ocode ‘wintersale’ Enter prom

CHRISTMAS IN PARIS 4 DAYS WAS £349 NOW £297

Morocco

DEPARTS LONDON 24 DECEMBER INCLUSIONS: Busabout Guide, Return coach and ferry from London to Paris, 3 nights accommodation, FESTIVE PARTY TREK 11 DAYS £699 3 breakfasts, Welcome dinner and drink, Paris by night tour by coach, trip to Palace of Versailles with (STUDENTS £674) picnic lunch, Christmas dinner, bike tour and river DEPARTS 22 DECEMBER CZECH REPUBLIC, AUSTRIA, cruise, FREE Lonely Planet guidebook SLOVAKIA, HUNGARY & POLAND NEW YEAR IN AMSTERDAM OPTION 1: Prague to Krakow OUT to Prague SOLD 4 DAYS WAS £369 NOW £314 OPTION 2: Krakow DEPARTS LONDON 30 DECEMBER INCLUSIONS: All transportation with Busabout Guide, 10 nights accommodation INCLUSIONS: Busabout Guide, Return coach and breakfasts, Tour of Auschwitz and and ferry from London to Amsterdam, 3 nights accommodation, 3 breakfasts, 1 dinner, orientation walk Birkenau, Walking tour of Krakow, Christmas of Amsterdam town and country bike tour, canal cruise and Christmas Eve dinner, Vienna Schnapps around Amsterdam, FREE Lonely Planet guidebook museum, FREE Lonely Planet guidebook

MARRAKECH & SAHARA 8 DAYS £574 Marrakech, Gorge Du Dades, Todra Gorge, Sahara Desert Camel Trek & Ouarzazate DEPARTS 8 & 23 DEC MARRAKECH ENCOMPASSED 15 DAYS £834 Marrakech, Rabat, Meknes, Chefchaouen, Fes, Mildelt, Sahara Desert Camel Trek, Ait Benhaddou & Essaouira DEPARTS 1 & 23 DEC

08450 267 514

www.busabout.com

info@busabout.com

FAVOURITE IRELAND TOUR OPERATOR 2012

Our legendary St. Patrick’s packages have been designed to give you an amazing time discovering our stunning country plus the chance to party with us Irish!

15% OFF SAVE UP TO £32

d on below trips for 2012 departures. Excludes Festive Trek. by 6 Dec. Enter promocode ‘wintersale’

CELTIC ROCKER 5 DAYS (Mondays) FREE F WAS £215 NOW £183 (Students NOW £174)

STUF

BLARNEY CASTLE, CLIFFS OF MOHER, KILLARNEY, INIS MÓR/CONNEMARA Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle & Cliffs of Moher

H UP

WORT

TO

€66

SOUTHERN ROCKER 3 DAYS (Fridays)

CELTIC COMBO 9 DAYS £539

Departs Dublin 15 March

ST PATS PARTY 4 DAYS £199

Departs Dublin 15 March

ST PATS PARTY 4 DAYS £269

WAS £125 NOW £106 (Students NOW £101)

GROUPS OF 4 - SAVE 5% GROUPS OF 10 - SAVE 10%

Departs London 15 March

BLARNEY CASTLE, CLIFFS OF MOHER, GALWAY & DINGLE Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle & Cliffs of Moher * Valid on all 2012 departures. Book by 9 DEC. Enter promocode ‘wintersale’

FREE LONELY PLANET GUIDE TNT_1526_Travel.indd 97

*

TEL: 08450 267 507 INFO@SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM TNTMAGAZINE.COM WWW.SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM

97

23/11/12 10:36:32

TRAVEL

Christmas & New Year

Christmas in Egypt 9 DAY Egypt Express

8 DAY Nile Discovery

WAS £330

WAS £595

£290

Includes US$135 local payment

Dep. 23 Dec 2012

NOW

NOW

Dep. 22 Dec 2012

£525

UP TO

15% OFF

Includes US$210 local payment

12 DAY Festive Pharaohs Dep. 22 Dec 2012

Cairo

ONLY

start/finish

£265

Includes Christmas Dinner & Party in Dahab and New Year’s Eve ‘Desert Party’ in a Bedouin tent!

Christmas in Europe

L ISRAE N JORDA

St Catherine

SAUDI

EGYPT

IA 8 ARAB Dahab

Plus loads more festive & winter trips online...

10% OFF

ONLY

Dep. 29 Dec 2012

£219

Includes walking tour of Krakow with local guide, 3 nights accommodation, 3 breakfasts, 1 dinner & a European trained Topdeck trip leader.

98

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

L8291 / Y2992

TNT_1526_Travel.indd 98

2 DAY Brugge Christmas Markets Dep. 15 Dec 2012

WAS £159 NOW

4 DAY Krakow New Year

£140

Includes return coach from London!

CALL 0845 257 5210

Open 8am-9pm

23/11/12 10:36:36

TNT Golden Backpacks

WINNER

Europe in winter

UP TO

TRAVEL

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10% OFF

EuroClub

EuroHotel

EuroClub

18 DAY Winter Getaway

14 DAY Winter Wonder

24 DAY Winter Spirit

Includes Paris, Rome, Salzburg, Prague, plus more!

Includes Paris, Swiss Alps, Venice, Salzburg, plus more!

Includes Paris, Venice, SalzburgBrugge, plus more!

WAS £1250

WAS £1370

WAS £1595

£1147

£1233

Dep. 16, 18 & 20 Dec 2012

NOW

Dep. 2, 14 & 26 Dec 2012

NOW

NOW

Dep. 11, 15 & 27 Dec 2012

£1460

Includes £260 food fund

Includes £220 food fund

Ski Trips Austria

8 DAY Ski Austria FROM

Dep. 22 Dec 2012

£399

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What’s Included: 7 breakfasts, 7 nights accommodation, welcome drink on arrival, snow bike pub crawl, traditional Austrian Xmas Dinner on Xmas week, PLUS MORE!

*Terms and conditions apply. Prices quoted are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off the base trip price only, and do not apply to food funds, sailing funds and local payments. Flights not included.

Egypt trip price includes local payment based on $1 = £0.618, which must be paid locally in USD. Exchange rates correct at time of printing, and subject to currency fluctuations, depending when payment is made. See online for full terms and conditions.

TNT_1526_Travel.indd 99

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99

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TNT Contiki DPS Nov 25-1.indd 1-2 TNT_1526_Travel.indd 100

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21/11/2012 17:06 TNT_1526_Travel.indd 101

23/11/12 10:37:01

TRAVEL

Next Stop?

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18/06/2010 11

23/11/12 10:37:02

TRAVEL

WEEKEND BREAKS AND DAY TOURS WEEKEND BREAKS HOLLAND & BELGIUM from £169

The REAL monster weekend away

7th December. Return coach & ferry travel, visit to Amsterdam & Brugge, B&B + dinner & free bar hotel accom.

Departs Edinburgh Saturdays

AMSTERDAM & BRUGGE from £170 11th January. Return coach & ferry travel, sightseeing in Amsterdam & Brugge, 2 nights B&B hotel accommodation, visit to Cheese & Clog factory & Tour Manager.

THE genuine 3 day tour of Skye!*

EDINBURGH BY RAIL £179

Departs Edinburgh Mondays and Fridays

18th January. Return rail travel & transfers, 2 nights B&B hotel accom, guided city sightseeing tour, plenty of free time & Tour Manager.

DAY TRIPS The Ultimate Scottish Experience!

¸ Sat 1st Dec - Brugge Christmas Markets from £45

Departs Edinburgh Mondays

¸ Sat 8th Dec - A Day in Wales from

£50

¸ Sun 9th Dec - Windsor & Hampton Court Palace from £41

e! mas on the Isle of Sky

Christ

¸ Sat 15th Dec - Brugge Christmas Markets from

Just £305

£45

PLUS Stonehenge & Bath EVERYDAY. From £50 ࠮ ࠮ ࠮ ࠮ ࠮

ALL accommodation included Hogmanay Street Party Pass 3 day highland tour ...and lots of whisky!

All for just £289

LAST FEW REMAINING SEATS!

with entrances to Stonehenge & the Roman Baths included!

LUXURY MINI COACH TOURS No more than 15 passengers with your choice of pick up anywhere in zone 1! From just £55pp Departing daily: * *NEW* Windsor, Stonehenge & Salisbury * Oxford, Stratford & the Cotswolds

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www.andersontours.co.uk or call 0207 436 9304 Follow us @andersontours

Blow your mind, not your budget!

Anderson Tours is fully bonded

by Client Trust Account

Anderson Tours Travel Shop, 81 Charlotte Street, London W1T 4PP

CHRISTMAS & NEW YEAR TOURS Christmas Market Day Trips York by train - Sat 1st & 8th Dec £49 Brugge - Sat 1st & 8th Dec £49

Christmas Breaks

OVER 15% OFF ALL JANUARY & FEBRUARY 2013 DEPARTURES

Book before 31st December 2012

(0131) 558 9900

macbackpackers.com

* MacBackpackers runs the only genuine 3 day tour of the Isle of Skye for backpackers. Unlike other backpacker companies we actually stay overnight on the island - spending up to 36 hours there, compared to as little as 6 hours with other operators.

Paris by Eurostar - Mon 24th - Thur 27th Dec £299

Post Christmas Break Paris & Disneyland - Thur 27th - Sat 29th Dec £199

New Year Breaks Paris By Eurostar - Sat 29th Dec - Mon 1st Jan £299 BOOK ON ANDERSONTOURS.CO.UK OR CALL 0207 436 9304

TNTMAGAZINE.COM 103

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TRAVEL

UNBEATABLE PRICES With the African specialists Absolute Africa 30 years overlanding in Africa

z

St Patrick’s Day £269

March 15-18 2013

● Return coach from London ● City centre hostel accommodation ● Free breakfast ● Pub crawl ● City walking tour ● Guinness storehouse tour ● St Patrick’s day parade

Book now

www.gogombo.com info@gogombo.com

A whole range of trips incl. game drives in the Masai Mara and the Serengeti, gorilla trekking, guided game walks, rhino trekking, evening game drives and so much more.

www.absoluteafrica.com Phone: 0208 742 0226 Email: absaf@absoluteafrica.com

HOGMANaY 2012/2013

(30TH DEC - 2ND JAN) EDINBURGH 2012/2013 - EUROPES BIGGEST NEW YEARS EVE PARTY ✔ Hostel Accommodation Only FROM £249 ✔ Hotel Accommodation Only FROM £269 ✔ Coach Tours FROM £309 ✔ Hi Speed Trains Tours FROM £359 WOW - LOOK WHAT’S INCLUDED

accommodation ✔ Our Famous Aussie/Kiwi New Year Party ✔ Superb top class city centre n to Stirling excursio art Bravehe ✔ Pass Party Street ✔ s guration confi ✔ Choice of room options Only ✔ New Years Day party ✔ Train, Coach or Accomm

ANZAC DAY 2013

SUPERB VALUE TO

2 Day Tour 4 Day Tour 5 Day Tour

URS TO ANZAC CO

VE – 25 APRIL

Just £99 From £159 Only £199

PLACE YOUR TRUS PROFESSIONAL TO T IN THE MOST URS TO GALLIPOLI Land based tours

all start and finis

h at PP’s superb

“THIS IS THE NON-STOP PARTY EVENT OF THE YEAR.”

LLING: E S W O N S R U O T 2013 a - 3 - 8 July mplon - March 17 • Pa st 28 • St Pat’s Day, Dublin La Tomatina – Augu • ril Ap 6 Oct ptSe 21 t: • Anzac Day - 25 es • Oktoberf -22 20 ne -Ju t co As l • Roya

info@pptravel.com • 020 7930 9999 Istanbul hotels

pptravel.com

104 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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CHUGGERS: To the umbrella shakers, drippers and spikers of old London town – please be aware that your soggy rain shield is a potentially deadly weapon and I’m likely to shove you in a puddle if you insist on taking up the whole pavement. Kindest regards from pissed off Dave GETTING COLD: Desperately seeking a nice warm lady to keep me warm through the harsh winter months in London. My central heating’s busted again and I’d like someone to watch films with.

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Post a message here next week if you’re up for it. Everton ANZAC TRIP: Anyone going to Gallipoli next year? If you wanna arrange a meet-up or travel together drop me a line on the myTNT forum page. Cheers, James RUGBY WIDOW: I live in She-bu with three guys, a Kiwi, an Aussie and an South African.

Sounds great right? No, it sucks arse – I’m a girl, English and fucking hate rugby union. It’s a ridiculous sport but I’m quickly discovering with all the games on all the time that the southern hemisphere’s quite good at it and clearly the Team GB success can only go so far. Thank god for casks of vodka cocktails. Sam UMBRELLA-HELLA: Righto, now the umbrellas have come out in force it’s a good time to tell people not to be total pricks – other people exist so do your best not to dig out their eye with

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