TNT Magazine / Issue 1528

December 10-16 2012 Issue 1528 tntmagazine.com

WIN!

A PROFESSIONAL PHOTO BOOK OF YOUR TRAVELS

WHIRLPOOLS AND WHISKY Wild times on the Scottish Isle of Jura

BEST XMAS PARTIES London’s craziest Crimbo club nights

BJS AT THE BAR Horror stories from festive work dos

R E D LOU S D R O W N A TH

e at last ic o v is h s d n fi On His Face e p a T h it W ue? The Boy iq n u r o k a e Fr + TIM TAM TRIFLES: AUSSIE XMAS IN THE CAPITAL ON TOUR WITH THE JEZABELS EXTREME EGYPT

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EST. 1985

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MANY MORE DESTINATIONS

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020 3651 2081 29/11/12 15:45:11

EDITORIAL Group editor Carol Driver Editor Laura Chubb Content editors: Sub/ Sport Michael Gadd Travel Helen Elfer Entertainment Alasdair Morton Web Oliver Jones Social media Dan Thorne Features writer Jade Bremner DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke

LONDONDIARY

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No wonder they looked so miserable, even their food was in black and white

Acting picture researcher Ruth Board SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events executive Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh TNT MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst PUBLISHER TNT Multimedia Limited DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP SAPA NZPA PICTURES Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 16 Brune St, London, E1 7NJ tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com SALES ENQUIRIES

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PHONE 020 7989 0567 EMAIL sales@tntmagazine.com WHERE TO GET TNT

COVER PRICE: £1 where sold SEE tntmagazine.com/findtnt for pick-up points or tntmagazine.com/emag to read TNT online SUBSCRIPTIONS AND DISTRIBUTION Caroline Penn 01603 559004 All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

This workshop sets out to disprove the notion that Victorian food was all stodgy and bland – it was a time of great change with industrialisation’s onset changing food production and consumption. In these two workshops you’ll learn how to make some well-known dishes from the era, including a too-nice Dickensian punch. It’s ideal if you fancy showing off this festive season and want your Christmas party to have a truly traditional flavour to add to your mince pies and mulled wine. £28

Dec 15 & 16, 12pm-4pm Museum of London, EC2Y 5HN

CAROLS BY CANDLELIGHT There could be no better venue for a spot of Christmas carols to get you in the festive mood than the Union Chapel, a retooled church in north London. You can sit down in the pews to enjoy the tunes, and there will be live music and mulled wine in the bar afterwards, with collections made for the margins Homelessness Project.

FREE

TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine.

Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers.

Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

00 4

Dec 16, 6pm N1 2UN Highbury & islington unionchapel.org.uk

St Paul’s

museumoflondon.org.uk

JERRY SADOWITZ

SECRET EMPORIUM XMAS MARKET

Are you a right Scrooge bemoaning all-things Christmas already? Foulmouthed and provocative Scot comic Sadowitz, who’s happy to offend at the drop of a hat promises to slag of the iPhone and prove Jimmy Savile’s innocence with crayons in Return Of The Bawbag. Confrontational.

An east London warehouse will become the centre of musthave festive fashion as 44 top British designers will be vying for your attention.

Along with the art and clothing, there will be music, carols, mulled wine and roasted chestnuts on offer, too, with a raffle in aid of homeless charity Shelter.

Various dates Dec 11-Jan 5, 7.30pm Leicester Square Theatre, WC2H 7BX Leicester Square leicestersquaretheatre.com

Dec 15 & 16, 10.30am-8pm Factory 7, Hearn Street, EC2A 3LS Shoreditch High Street secretemporium.com

£19.50

FREE

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FULHAM FOOTBALL CLUB, CRAVEN COTTAGE like us on

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The multi-talented Penny arcade

Monday 10th December, Kick-Off 8pm.

BITCH! DYKE! FAGHAG! WHORE! Deptford

Tickets on sale now!

Originally created as a riposte to art censorship, this pigeon-hole defying show – part nightclub, part comedy, part theatre – celebrates its 20th anniversary with these performances. Former Andy Warhol darling Penny recreates the club scene inside the theatre as the show pushes the boundaries of performance. It even contains an impromptu audience dance break amidst Penny’s monologues. £10+

Dec 15-23 (excluding Dec 17), 7.30pm Deptford thealbany.org.uk The Albany, SE8 4AG

SAVE THE CHILDREN GIG

CAMDEN LOCK NIGHT MARKET

Lauren Laverne hosts the charity’s Christmas Tree Sessions night of comedy and music, in which everyone is encouraged to wear a loud festive jumper. Spiritualized, Band of Skulls, Summer Camp, Stuart Maconie and Lee Nelson are amongst the line up with a duet by special guests Guy Garvey and Myleene Klass.

The famous north London market combines shopping with music and has just two evening openings left before Christmas. This Thursday sees The Duck Pond artisan market in the hall, with punk, rock and metal covers by Belle Fleurs, and a farmers’ market the following Thursday (Dec 20) with music by Bellephonics.

Dec 14, 6.30pm-11pm Highbury & Islington N1 2XD savethechildren.org.uk

Dec 13 & 20, 5pm-10pm NW1 8AF Camden Town camdenlockmarket.com

Photos: Timothy Greenfield Sanders

£40

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FREE

Buy online at fulhamfc.com or call 0843 208 1234 (option 1) All tickets are subject to availability, terms and conditions apply.

7/12/12 13:30:12

LAURA CHUBB EDITOR laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER It’s officially the season of the Christmas party – that time of year when you’ll be dragged along to a tinseldrenched do and plied with dirty punch whether you like it or not. So pull on your woolly snowflake jumper and check out our pick of the capital’s biggest and loudest Christmas club nights, set to keep the party pumping until Boxing Day (P8). Another minefield to navigate will be the office festive bash – see P38 for some cautionary tales.

THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

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LONDONNEWS

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MY LONDON DRINK & EATS

12 14&15

@TNT

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SPOTTED

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LONDON SOUND

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LISTINGS CLUBS & GIGS 22&25 COMPETITION

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CHATROOM

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LONDON SCENE

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LONDON FOCUS

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SPARE TIME

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LIFESTYLE

35-43

SHOPPING

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HEALTH & BEAUTY

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CAREERS

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LIVING

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NEWS & SPORT

44-54

TRAVEL

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FEATURES BEST XMAS PARTIES

8

London’s clubs have caught the festive fever. Party ’til Boxing Day at the best

THE SILENT TREATMENT

The Boy With Tape On His Face opens his mouth about his new London shows

58

BLOWIES AT THE BAR

NEWS

59

LATE DEALS

62

Nightmare tales from Xmas work bashes and how to not let them ruin your career

HOTSHOTS

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TOP FIVE

66&67

TIPS & STUFF

68&69

SHORT BREAK

70&71

CLASSIFIEDS DESPERATELY SEEKING

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82-105 106

8

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DIARY

48 HOURS IN... HAMBURG

Photos: Getty

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ISLE OF JURA

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60

Head to this remote Hebridean treasure for wild whirlpools and plenty of whisky

EUROPEAN TOUR

70

We join Aussie band The Jezabels on a rock ‘n’ roll ride across the continent

DESERT DREAMS

76

Escape Egypt’s chaos and explore the surreal sands of its isolated White Desert

76 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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LONDONNEWS

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COMMUTERS COP HIP POCKET HIT London commuters will be hit worst when rail ticket prices rise on January 2 – the UK average rise of 3.9 per cent is dwarfed by the London and southeast average of 6 per cent, say figures from watchdog Passenger Focus.

Annual season tickets have risen steeply, with Canterbury up 5.9 per cent, Tonbridge up 5.2 per cent and Guildford up 4.3 per cent to £3224. An off-peak return Marylebone to Birmingham rises from £25 to £27.50. Commuters are outraged.

Roy Abe, 59, from Mile End, told the Standard: “It is ridiculous when inflation is just 3 per cent.”

I was a bit suspicious.

I hadn’t heard of the charity he was collecting for, so I took a picture of him on my phone Radio presenter Caroline Feraday turned sleuth when a man was collecting for a bogus charity on the Tube

JAIL FOR MAN WHO SCALED STATUE NUDE The man who climbed the Prince George statue in Whitehall and then got naked was sentenced to three months in jail last week.

Dan Montrescu, 29, was convicted of possession of an offensive weapon and causing criminal damage and a public order offence after a 100m area of Whitehall was shut down for emergency services to get him down on November 23.

ON THE TUBE

This is the image on the card you get if not worthy of a call from the PM David Cameron and wife Samantha this year. Hardly Chrismassy, but it does feature war hero Kate Nesbitt and an Olympic torch – nice touch

Beware: beast from East

Russian weather invasion to bring the coldest winter in 20 years This week marks the beginning of what experts say will be the coldest winter in 20 years as a “beast from the East” front from Russia engulfs the UK and brings below freezing conditions.

Disruption is expected across transport services and roads from today.

Last week saw the season’s first snow but more is forecast, with temperatures as low as -12˚C predicted across Britain and harsh 60mph winds will make it feel even colder. London will be warm by comparison, with -5˚C ahead of us.

On the bright side, forecasters now say a white Christmas is almost a certainty.

Bookmakers William Hill have cut their odds for Britain’s lowest-ever temperature record to be broken from 14/1 to 8/1. It stands at -27˚C. Forecaster Brian Gaze, of The Weather Outlook, told the Express: “Forecast models show a ‘beast from the East’ weather system next week, with massive blocking high pressure from Siberia to Scandinavia pushing easterly winds across the UK. “There’s a good chance of much of the country seeing lying snow, with growing signs of the weather turning very cold.”

The Met Office has warned people to take care on icy footpaths.

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

THIS WEEKEND’S CLOSURES/WORKS

NORTHERN: No service Sunday between Edgware and Camden Town until 8.30am southbound and 9am northbound

WATERLOO AND CITY: No Sunday service

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Costume inspiration?

Try two turtle doves

Photos: Getty

YOUR TNT?

Sick kids in hospital at Christmas, carols and charity – it’s hard to find a more perfect recipe for the warm and fuzzies than the 12 Days of Christmas Run this week.

Runners will start and finish a 1.2 mile course at Ice Rink Canary Wharf on Wednesday, December 12 at 12.12pm dressed in costumes inspired by the carol The Twelve Days Of Christmas. So do your best with turtle doves, gold rings, swans or a lone partridge in a pear tree and the rest of the gang.

The run is part of Starlight’s Christmas of Happiness Campaign to raise money for thousands of seriously and terminally ill kids in London. Teams of between two and 12 particpants can join in.

Visit starlight.co.uk for more information.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

1528 LON news.indd 6

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Clubland Crimbo From the weekend before Xmas to Boxing Day, London clubs will be in full swing, so leave Dec 25 for recovering Words frankie mullin If you’re sick of decking the halls or wondering if they know it’s Christmas time at all, ditch the festive songs and put some bass into your Xmas. It’s the perfect time to go on a massive bender, with clubs falling over themselves to serve up the best tune-filled night. As London is the heartland of clubbing, there are plenty of mammoth party nights taking place over the festive period. Here, we round up our favourites to make sure your Christmas goes with a bang.

Start your pre-Xmas party marathon the Saturday before Christmas Day, when clubs all over the capital will be throwing open their doors to those for whom mince pies and a quiet glass of mulled wine just don’t cut it.

Recreate your summer break in Ibiza at one of the biggest, most glamorous and high-profile parties – Space at Pacha, in Victoria.

The December 22 soiree will be the first time revamped Pacha has been used before its official launch next year – so expect the ceilings to be dripping with glitter balls and chandeliers.

As well as more Christmas 8

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decorations than you can shake a bauble at, Space is promising a topnotch line-up to keep you on your feet until 6am.

There will be entertainment in the form of Christmas-themed dancers and performers and, above all, DJs who will play the biggest club hits of 2012.

“This year, we’ve organised a PA from a singer who had a big hit in Ibiza this summer. You won’t find out who it is until the night,” organiser John Duckett teases.

“Space has always been popular, but this year was proof that London has one of the best party scenes in the world. Although 2012 was economically challenging for everyone, the positive spirit remained!”

If you have enough stamina, there are heaps more parties in London right through until Boxing Day – excluding December 25, when you can hide away with your mates or family, recovering enough energy to go at it again.

Our pick of Boxing Day bashes is one-time pirate, now-legal radio station Rinse FM – a pioneering force in the British music scene – which will be

taking over all three rooms at Fabric, in Farringdon, for a party to end all parties. This gig is for clubbers that are a bit more hardcore, rumbling on until 7am the next day.

Expect sets from pretty much every Rinse artist – including P Money, Zinc, Oneman, N-Type, Youngsta, Marcus Nasty/ Brackles, Uncle Dugs – playing everything from grime to house, dubstep, jungle and drum ‘n’ bass.

“It feels an appropriate way to round 2012 off,” the Rinse FM team says of a year which saw the station go on a national tour and celebrate its 18th birthday with a one-off event in the Tate Modern’s new Tanks venue.

Happy clubbing, then – just try to keep down your Christmas dinner. ❚ MORE XMAS & BOXING DAY PARTIES IN LONDON >> Space Christmas Party at Pacha (£12) Dec 22 11pm-6am Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR Victoria pachalondon.com Rinse Boxing Day at Fabric (£17) Dec 26 9pm-7am 77A Charterhouse Street, EC1M 3HN Farringdon fabriclondon.com

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ing nn w! wi sho rd w wa ne e a ing h t zl siz

Tune!: get your raving shoes on for Xmas

13 – 30 December

Little Match Girl

Dress by Harvey B-Brown © Magnus Hastings

‘Simply electric’ +++++ (Time Out, Sydney)

Book tickets 0844 847 9910 Southbankcentre.co.uk

In a spin: DJs storm the stage at Fabric tntMagazine.com

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we can talk Christmas party the book club

born electric christmas special electric brixton

The We Can Talk crew are hosting a Christmas party aiming to get you conga-ing around the floor to tunes from all eras. Tim Filthy Dukes will be on the decks along with the One From The Vaults girls and Mark Hume. This party will be friendly and, with Christmassy drinks and a sparkly tree, it’ll be hard not to get into the spirit.

Born Electric launched this year at London’s XOYO club.

Now James Zabiela and other guest DJs are back for a Christmas special. There will be some interesting electro so make sure you’re ready for an intense night and, possibly, lingering after-effects on Crimbo Day.

£5

Sat Dec 22, 8pm-2am 100-106 Leonard St, EC2A 4RH Old St, Shoreditch High St wearetbc.com

£20

i love acid Christmas rave corsica studios

Mon Dec 22, 10am-6pm Town Hall Parade, SW2 1RJ Brixton electricbrixton.com

For the last few years, the I Love Acid crew have been holding monthly parties celebrating the sound of the Roland TB-303, the bass synthesiser that shaped the early dance music scene. Their Christmas party will be a blow out of acid house, techno classics, old skool rave, electro and live electronica. With a line-up that includes Radioactive Man, Kirk Degiorgio, Paul Mac and Posthuman, the focus at this party is firmly on the music. Corsica Studios is an award-winning venue so expect a great atmosphere. £10

Mon Dec 22, 10am-6pm 4/5 Elephant Road, London, SE17 1LB Elephant and Castle corsicastudios.com

the night before christmas supper club

hed kandi christmas party mcqueen

Join Asiana and Voodoo at Supper Club for this VIP event with bubbly and sparklers. But don’t rock up in your jeans.

Expect top house music and a lively crowd. Don’t be put off by the “gorgeous and glamorous” dress code.

Mon Dec 24, 9pm-3am 12 Acklam Road, W10 5QZ Westbourne Park voodooentertainment.co.uk

Sat Dec 22, 8pm-4am 55-61 Tabernacle St, EC2A 4AA Old St hedkandi.com

the snow ball funky buddha

a christmas bang islington metalworks

£25

mini fromage christmas warmup club de fromage

£15

wotever xmas party Royal vauxhall tavern

Making the somewhat dubious claim of being “like your uni disco”, Club de Fromage isn’t for everyone. However, if you’re in the mood for some lighthearted, silly pre-Christmas partying, this is your spot. Music-wise, expect pop and rock hits from the past 50 years – anything from Blur to Abba – and it’s a fancy-dress club so Santa hats and reindeer antlers are obligatory.

Mayfair’s Funky Buddha will be transformed into an opulent winter wonderland for this Xmas Eve bash. Expect amazing lighting and decoration around the namesake Buddha fountain.

Helium balloons, glitter, reindeers on roller-skates and a mashup of house, disco and hip-hop.

“Christmas is about getting as drunk as possible,” say the organisers. We agree.

If you want to go out on Christmas Eve itself, this party at gay club RVT – named best cabaret venue 2012 by the London Cabaret Awards – will be both untraditional and entertaining. Expect to be belting out tunes to a singalong Christmas movie, then there are DJs, a secret Santa and a flamboyant host, Uber Mama: Maria. This will be guaranteed to give you something to talk about on Christmas Day.

Sat Dec 22, 10.30pm-3am O2 Academy Islington, 16 Parkfield St, N1 0PS Angel clubdefromage.com

Mon Dec 24, 10pm-3am 15 Berkeley Street, W1J 8DY Green Park xmaseve12.co.uk

Sun Dec 23, 10pm-4am 7 Torrens Street, EC1V 1NQ Angel facebook.com/kneedeepdisco

Mon Dec 24, 7pm-late 372 Kennington Lane, SE11 5HY Vauxhall rvt.org.uk

£5.55

10

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£15

£4

£5

Boxing Day Extravaganza marsha arches

creche boxing night rave tba east lonon

Marha Arches is a small but vibey venue under the railway arches near Bethnal Green.

It’s a sometime-karaoke bar, sometimes-Sunday cinema, but on Boxing Day you’ll be there for the party. Dance the night away to top DJs playing Funky house, jungle, reggae and more, but book early as this place only has a capacity of 300.

The east London venue for this Boxing Day rave hasn’t yet been confirmed but the Creche crew are promising it will be in a warehouse featuring “a big dirty sound system with loads of bass and lasers and mad lights” and “the best smiley party people up for raving the night away”. DJs include Damian Lazarus, Lee Foss and Cozzy D. Make sure you wear your white gloves.

£7

Wed Dec 26, 9pm-6am Marsha Arches, Unit 12, Gales Gardens, E2 0EJ Bethnal Green marshaarches.co.uk

£5+

popcorn boxing day bash heaven This regular weekday club night will turn things up a notch for Boxing Day, promising those with cabin fever the chance to dance for seven hours to highenergy house. You’ll be visually entertained by choreographed dancers, gogo girls, costume artists, stage shows and carnival-inspired performance. You can take a relative breather in the stage bar, which will be playing pop and “guilty pleasures”. It’ll be a night to remember. £4

Wed Dec 26, 10pm-7am A warehouse in east London residentadvisor.net

Wed Dec 26, 11pm-5.30am 11 The Arches, Villiers Street, WC2N 6NG Charing Cross popcorn-heaven.com

La musique masquerade party boxing day special love and liquor “What we expect from you: Nothing but a fun mentality and some sort of masquerade mask,” say the people at this bar which will be playing dance, house and hip-hop. £10

boxing day special egg £15 You’ll need to be a true party-head to hit this one, which promises 12 hours of music (until 10am, god help you) from house DJs including Bushwacka (Layo & Bushwacka), Luke Solomon and Mattia Sosti. Egg’s Boxing Day offering, which will include live acts, dancers and an impromptu PA, is for hedonists only.

Wed Dec 26, 10pm-10am 200 York Way, N7 9AX Caledonian Road egglondon.net

Wed Dec 26, 9pm-3am 34 Kilburn High Road, NW6 5UA Kilburn High Road loveandliquor.co.uk

halycon ministry of sound Infected Mushroom will DJ and Astrix will perform his latest material live. There’ll be four rooms of dance music. £20

Wed Dec 26, 10am-6pm 103 Gaunt Street, SE1 6DP Elephant & Castle londonwarehouseevents. co.uk/halcyon-2

back to 95 boxing day special Club Colosseum

Indie, electro and mega cheap drinks mean this regular Wednesday night club is always chocka. Soho is a good bet for Boxing Day.

Solo Danza will be celebrating its first birthday in style with a full-on all-nighter in this funky under-the-railwayarches club with a warehouse vibe. For tickets, email solodanza@live.co.uk.

Old skool house and garage purveyors, SVA, are throwing a giant party on Boxing Day with an impressive line-up of DJs, MC hosts and live performers. A ’95 party vibe is promised on the main dancefloor and another three areas will be playing soulful and funky house, R ‘n’ B, Eighties classics and, for the first time, jungle,

by Jumping Jack Frost.

Wed Dec 26, 9pm-3.30am 17 Greek Street, W1D 4DR Tottenham Court Road moonlightingnightclub.co.uk

Wed Dec 26, 10pm-6.30am 7-9 Crucifix Lane, SE1 3JW London Bridge facebook. com/crucifixlanelondon

Wed Dec 26, 10pm-5am 1 Nine Elms Lane SW8 5NQ Vauxhall backto95.com

Cheap$kates moonlighting £7

£17

Solo Danza 1st Birthday Party 7-9 Crucifix Lane £10

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11

MYLONDON

LIMAHL POP SINGER What baffles me about London is ticket prices for the theatre, which seem to be catching up with New York. Staggeringly expensive.

London’s best-kept secret is the tranquil ‘secret garden’ in a certain royal park. As it’s a secret, I’m withholding its exact location.

When I want to chill out I go to Primrose Hill village. There are no chain coffee shops or bars allowed, only charming independents.

My favourite place for a drink is the newly refurbished Savoy Hotel and its American Bar. This Christmas I am looking forward to Fortnum & Mason’s mince pies, ice skating at Somerset House and the various Christmas lights.

I will be spending this Christmas with my mum, sister Caroline and nephews in Radlett, Hertfordshire. My mum’s nut roast is the best.

In 2013, I am most looking forward to travelling. Who would have guessed last year I’d be on I’m A Celebrity… sleeping next to deadly spiders and snakes.

For when you’re hungover in London you can’t beat breakfast at [grand European cafe restaurant] The Wolseley in Piccadilly.

The last naughty thing I did was stumbled onto a porn website, by accident of course.

My biggest faux pas is asking a woman if she was pregnant and asking another woman if she was someone’s mother. Oops.

*excludes Game

My perfect weekend would be early dinner at Jo Allen [in Covent Garden], followed by theatre or cabaret, then cocktails at The Savoy on Saturday night.

A late breakfast on Sunday, then cycling to a museum or gallery and an early bite to eat in Soho followed by a movie. And then maybe hot chocolate at The Coffee Cup in Hampstead.

Five words that sum up London ... Bohemian. Historic. Inspiring.

Magnificent. Bustling. limahl.com – single London For Christmas is out now 12

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Solid: pints and [Caption] grub at The Grove

PUB THE SCENE This pub’s been serving south Londoners since 1877, and has recently re-opened after a little facelift. The new look sees smart reds and oaky-browns taking prominence, with curtains adding elegance to the separate dining area at the rear, and the high Victorian ceilings accentuating the spacious feel. Situated off Balham High Road, it’s a tucked-away little boozer that offers a more mature and quieter evening than the louder establishments up the road.

THE GRUB An American vibe inspires the bar menu’s dogs and sliders, with a ‘pub grub’ atmosphere in the main dining area. We sample mussels and fish cakes for starters, followed by the roasted half chicken (generously sized, to say the least) and the pub special Balham Burger, a towering and gluttonous cheese, pickle and bacon artery-clogger. We try some courgette fries, too, just to be healthy.

BEHIND THE BAR A varied wine list impresses – we try the full-bodied and spicy Aussie Highwood Estate merlot. A selection of ales and lagers, including Greenwich’s Meantime Pale Ale, means there’s plenty of choice for vino-phobes. There’s also a range of spirits from around the world and London’s Sipsmith vodka.

BILL PLEASE Sides from £3; starters from £6.50; mains from £9.50; desserts from £5.

Wine from £4.30/£16.40 per glass/bottle; lagers and ales from £3.60 a pint.

VERDICT Simple but solid out of the way local. ALASDAIR MORTON

39 Oldridge Road, SW12 8PN

grovebalham.com

Balham

FORZA WIN(TER)

3 OF THE BEST WINTER POP-UPS

After its summer success, Forza is popping up for the cold months. Book for a yummy Italian-style fondue served on a Bethnal Green rooftop. For £30 you’ll get a three-course meal, plus a hot drink on arrival. forzawin.com

SUGARHOUSE STUDIOS Out in Stratford, this is an arty hidden gem. The warehouse conversion will be demolished in 2013, so enjoy a supper club or play on the ping-pong tables before it goes for good. sugarhousestudios.co.uk

BOISDALE ON ICE Grab a mug of mulled wine as well as burgers and hot mince pies at this bar and its neighbouring Wright Brothers’ Oyster shack. Pop in until January 13 after a whirl on the nearby Canary Wharf ice skating rink. boisdale.co.uk

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BITE SIZE

Contrasts: a chic taste of Nigeria

XMAS FOODIE MARKET Wares from some of London’s top restaurants will be on offer at a Christmas market in St James’s Park.

Mrs Tee’s Wild Mushrooms, Greg The Pumpkin Man and Celtic Fish & Game will all have goodies on offer, while Peyton & Byrne will be selling mince pie fudge and meringue snowmen.

If you like your grub, this event, on December 16 at Inn The Park, is a must. Head there between 11.30am and 3.30pm, grab a hot chocolate and get your Christmas gifts sorted. innthepark.com

POSH SOHO KEBAB If you’ve got the munchies after a few beers, make sure you eat in style rather than grabbing a grubby burger. Cinnamon Soho has launched The Kingly Seekh-Kebab – a gourmet spin on the takeaway food of choice.

Available from its west London eatery until 1am, the snack is spiced with cumin, coriander, ginger and chilli, wrapped in naan bread – a great pickme-up to keep you going. Priced at £6.75, it won’t break the bank, either. cinnamonsoho.com

IT’S ELECTRIC Adjacent to one of the oldest cinemas in London, Electric Diner last week opened its doors on Portobello Road.

Serving French-American cuisine, the restaurant, downstairs from the Electric House, opens for breakfast at 8am, swaps for lunch at midday and closes at 1am on weekends.

Chow down on bologna sandwiches, honey-fried chicken and toffee date cake. Then make your choice from the incredibly impressive 19 beers on offer.

PRESIDENTIAL SUYA WEST AFRICAN

This joint delivers a distinctly West African experience – bold, spicy, a little overambitious (in a charming way) and super-friendly. Between its sister takeaway and nightclub, it feels part fine dining, part like you’ve wandered into an African family’s living room. The mostly African clientele cheerfully drink Guinness and keep an eye on football on the TVs – basically, a perfect Tuesday night scenario.

THE GRUB The menu’s foundation is, of course, suya, a flavour-stacked, spice-rubbed, char-grilled shish kebab. Our waiter is a welcome mix of attentive and stealthy, more than willing to offer direction when needed. He advises us of their generous portions, so between three, we share a chicken and a beef suya, served off the skewer with a generous sprinkling of orangey-hued hot pepper powder which spans the gamut of spice-emotions – sweet, warming, burning, searing, cooling and bliss. I’ve never been happier to see slices of tomatoes and raw onion on a plate of meat chunks. There’s plenty more to try, though. Order-envy abounds with a nearby whole fish in fragrant soup and whole guinea fowl. Braver palettes can also go for the snails in hot pepper sauce or offal dishes, but we go with a side of dodo (not the extinct bird but fried plantains with a sweet tomato sauce) and gooey balls of ground yam to pick up meat and mop tasty juices. We discover soup means stew, and devour the melon-seed and palm oil-dominated efo egusi version with chicken.

We heed warnings of the “too slimy” ogbono soup, but ignore advice against the “too spicy” ayamese, a tasty mix of slow-cooked meats. It’s nowhere near as hot as the orange power, and is deeply flavoured and tender, but is let down by disproportionate gristle. Sigh, the blessing and curse of more challenging cuts.

THE SCENE

A fully-stocked cocktail bar with a wide range of spirits. Bottled beers include Guinness, Nigeria’s Star and Heineken. Or try African palm wine.

BILL PLEASE Lager from £4; starters from £4.50; suya £5; mains from £8.50.

VERDICT Happy break from the norm, palette-challenging and character-packed. MG BEHIND THE BAR

electricdiner.com 160-164 Old Kent Road, SE1 5TY

presidentialsuya.com

Elephant & Castle

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Re: ‘Alternative Xmas’ (TNT 1527): I think it’s admirable TNT is trying to get us out of the house and away from the TV at Xmas, but really, what’s so wrong with staying home over the festive period? England’s Xmas telly is awesome – there’s never anything on the box at the same time of year in Aus – and frankly, after the work-bedwork grind of London, I welcome the relief of having nothing to do but sit on my ass!

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CHINATOWN IN OZ Re: Australia to build £325m ‘Forbidden City’ theme park in bid to attract Chinese tourists (tntmagazine.com): I don’t see the point of this.

It’s an invitation for illegal immigrants to gain access to the country. Would China build an Australian theme park to attract Australians?

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YOUR TWEETS Tweet us @tntmagazine @TWalker1979 Re: world’s sexiest accents: Surprised there was no mention of the brummie accent! @nostawnai Re: Middleton in hospital with morning sickness: MY wife worked right up to labour each time – including riding a moped. @DJstewartwho The royal baby should be called ‘Austerity’

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Jens Harris: Aussie and kiwi accents can’t be classed as sexy ... you guys constantly sound like you’re asking questions when you end your sentences Dylan Wagstaff: It’s not about the accent, it’s about who it comes out of & the stereotypes we construct around their nationality. So it’s Russians, obviously.

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Hard to beat: brothers Paul and Phil Hartnoll

ALASDAIR MORTON FOR THE RECORD Christmas means many things: seeing loved ones, mince pies and crap music jostling for the number one spot. This year could be different. While there will be the regular X Factor tripe from whatever rubber faced monkey wins this year, and actress Kate Bosworth has released a cover of Winter Wonderland for Topshop’s “360 degree interactive digital campaign” there are songs more deserving of the coveted spot. Gareth Malone and his Military Wives released their second album in November and we’d not bemoan them hitting the top again. The Hillsborough Justice Collective’s charity single, He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother, featuring Sir Paul McCartney and Robbie Williams, would be bearable. My fave, though, has to be Tim Wheeler and Emmy The Great’s Zombie Christmas, which manages to be festive while featuring an onslaught of the undead. Now that’s a Christmas miracle that truly impresses.

ORBITAL Brixton Academy DEC 14 & 15 | DOORS AT 7PM & 8PM | £30+

OK, naming your band after a motorway is hardly the height of cool, but ambient techno mainstays Orbital have managed to pull it off and then some.

The Hartnoll brothers chose their moniker after the M25 and its pivotal role in the nascent Eighties rave scene from which they burst forth, and ever since their debut tune Chime hit the charts back in 1989, they have been pushing boundaries with their constantly evolving sound and innovative approach to the live show.

From becoming the darlings of the dance scene, they then alienated fans with their mid-Nineties sound which cleared dancefloors, as Phil Hartnoll has since recalled. And when they took pride of place with their centrepiece performance at the Paralympics Opening Ceremony this summer, who did they share the stage with? Rihanna? The Mumfords? Coldplay? Nope – Stephen Hawking, that’s who.

Like we said, the brothers have never been one to settle for predictability.

After calling it a day back in the mid-Noughties, they reconvened and released their first album in eight years, Wonky, this April. It was a true return to form that they then took off to the world’s summer festivals, playing everywhere from Scotland’s T In The Park to Seattle’s Decibel Festival, before releasing their soundtrack to the Brit crime film Pusher this October.

They hit the capital for two gigs at the legendary Brixton Academy (Dec 15 a late curfew show, too), which will end their year in style, and give you an early Christmas present that will take some beating come the 25th! Hallelujah indeed.

Brixton

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NEW BAND

THE BLACK KEYS GIG DEC 12 & 13. 6.30PM £30

The Ohio duo have made a rapid ascent through the ranks in the UK, playing successively bigger venues each time they take a trip across the pond. Last time it was the Ally Pally and now it’s the stonking enormo-dome that is The O2.

And they’re doing it twice. Lonely Boy is going to rock like it has never rocked before.

The O2 Peninsula Square, SE10 0DX North Greenwich theo2.co.uk

LOST AND FOUND LABEL LAUNCH

NORMAN JAY VS SEB FONTAINE XXXMAS BASH

CLUB

CLUB

FRI, DEC 14. 10PM-7AM £15

SAT, DEC 15. 9PM-3AM £10

Israeli producer Guy J’s new label, Lost And Found, featuring Guy Mantzur and Sahar Z, gets its official label launch party, and it is one hell of a bash with the man himself flying in for the occasion. Sterling support comes from System Of Survival, Moodtrap, Ivo Toscano and Eddy Kruger for this night of deep house and techno.

West London DJ legends Norman Jay MBE and Seb Fontaine headline this homecoming show, of sorts, at the now Seb-run Westbourne Studios.

Supports Konal, Chloe Fontaine and Mark Sainthill are up first before the titular duo take to the stage to join forces and blow the roof off.

Merry XXXmas indeed.

Egg 200 York Way, N7 9AX egglondon.net

The Westbourne Studios Club 242 Acklam Road, W10 5JJ Westbourne Park westbournestudiosclub.com

King’s Cross

PERHAPS CONTRAPTION THE BUZZ SO FAR Serving up something wholly unique are this eight-piece art-punk-brass-marching band. Yes, you read that correctly.

They banish the staid traditionalism of the latter with punk’s energy and the creativity of the former, and have been a hit at Bestival, won over the crowds of The Torture Garden, and did The Secret Garden Party this summer, too. Their debut album, Listening Bones, is a surreal endeavour indeed. WTF fantastic!

THE CRITICS SAY “You’d have to be dead inside not to want to sing along” Spindle Magazine THE PLUG

Listening Bones is out now. They play Upstairs at the Ritzy,

Photos: Getty

Dec 14. Free SW2 1JG Brixton perhapscontraption.co.uk

THE XX

HACIENDA 30

RANCID

GIG

CLUB

GIG

SUN, DEC 16. 7PM £30

SAT, DEC 15. 9PM-4AM £15.50+

DEC 14-16. 7PM £30

The 2009 Mercury Music Prize-winning electro-indie-poppers returned this year with their even more moody follow-up, Coexist, and did a trio of intimate shows earlier in the year to support it. They take to the considerably larger stage of the Academy for fans to hear the new material live and in person. Sure to stun.

The formative years of club culture, and the legend that is the Manchester club, are both celebrated here in what is the Hacienda’s first time in London since 1992. A line-up of top house pioneers, including Todd Terry (above), Marshall Jefferson, Mike Pickering and Bobby Langley, will make it a party to remember.

The Bay Area punks have been around for 20plus years now, and they’ve steadfastly refused to change with passing trends and sounds. They have a loyal following and always deliver one hell of a live show. Think 2000 moshing, pogoing souls, and more beer, sweat and Doc Martens than you’ve ever seen in one place before.

Brixton Academy 211 Stockwell Road, SW9 9SL Brixton o2academybrixton.co.uk

Koko NW1 7JE Mornington Crescent fac51thehacienda.com

The Forum 9-17 Highate Road, NW5 1JY Kentish Town theforumlondon.com

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CLUBLISTINGS

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MONDAY 10 Between The Buttons DJ Magnetic Paul provides soul and 1950s to 1970s rock ‘n’ roll. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). 7.30pm-late. Free.

Egg Presents Lost & Found Label Launch Guy J, Guy Mantzur, Sahar Z, Leonardo Glovibes, System Of Survival, Ivo Toscano and Eddy Kruger spin house and techno. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111).

10pm-7am. £20, adv £15, mems £13.

BOOK NOW!

ELM Presents Monika Kruse, Mathieu Mirande and Andrea Giudice spin techno and house.

Crucifix, Crucifix Ln, SE1 3JW, 11pm6.30am. Adv £10-£18, NUS £15. See www.residentadvisor.net for details.

The Doctor’s Orders Present: Murs & Fashawn, Mr Thing, Spin Doctor, Chris P Cuts The Californian duo play sounds from their recent collaboration, with Fashawn making his first trip to the UK. Also appearing will be British producer Mr Thing, DJ Spin Doctor and underground party king, Chris P Cuts. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). 8pm-midnight. £12.

Hard Core Salsa DJ Mario and DJ Julian play mambo and salsa, plus dance lessons. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277).

7pm-late. £4, free before 9pm.

It’s Britney Bitch! DJ Tuomo Fox and special guests spin pop, R‘n’B and chart hits under the watchful eye of MC Patrick Lilley.

The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988). 10pm-3am. £5.

Popcorn Resident DJs play dance, electro, R‘n’B, pop and hip-hop.

Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020).

11pm-5.30am. £8, £4 before midnight.

Soulful Sound In-house DJs spin soul and funk. Joiners Arms, Hackney Rd, E2 7QL (020 7739 9397). 10pm-late. Free.

Stampede DJ Laurence Rene plays pop-punk, alternative, rock and ska, with hosts Oli Sandler and Matt Boland. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040).

9pm-3am. £5, £3 before 1am, £1 before 11am, free before 10pm.

TUESDAY 11 Club Roots Underground Reggae and ska courtesy of Sista Millie, Word Sound Power, King Alpha, Benjie Roots and Rim Bim. Orleans, Seven Sisters Rd, N4 2HZ (020 7281 8482). 10.30pm-3.30am. £6.

Dropped An appearance by The World’s Greatest Ghetto Blaster, playing music of technology from the 1980s. International Machine Orchestra offer sounds based on artist Rachel Whiteread’s abandoned spaces, and Brazilian and Spanish guest DJs complete the eclectic line-up. Rattlesnake Of Angel, Upper St, N1 0NY (0207 6134855). 7.30pm-1am. £5.

On It Old skool hip-hop, R‘n’B, garage and bass music courtesy of Ryan Paul. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). 7.30pm-late. Free.

LAYO & BUSHWACKA 2012 CLOSING PARTY The Egg. Dec 29. £15+ After releasing their final album Rising and Falling, the DJ duo (above) are hosting this end of year party, with techno star Dubfire and Uner plus more.

200 York Road, N7 9AX

WEDNESDAY 12 Clublad Christmas Party DJs play rock, indie, folk-pop and punk with live sets from Holy Moly And The Crackers, Gem And The Dickheads, Violet Bones and The Covelles. The Wheelbarrow, Camden High St, NW1 7JH ( 020 7387 3691). 7pm-3am. Free.

Cutmore’s House At The Penthouse DJ Richard Cutmore spins uplifting house and dance for an energetic mid-week party. The Penthouse, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (07760 488119). 10pm-3.45am. Free.

Death 2 Disco DJs Danny Watson, Nigel Thomas and BlagSound spin indie and rock.

Notting Hill Arts Club, Notting Hill Gate, W11 3JQ (020 7460 4459).

7pm-2am. £3, free before 8pm.

Deviation Christmas Session: Benji B, MC Judah MC Judah hosts this seasonal night of dubstep, hip-hop and more, featuring the British DJ and producer. Concrete, Shoreditch High St, E1 6JJ (020 7729 1888).

9pm-2am. £7, early bird £5.

Mmoths DJs Minotaur Shock, Mr Mafro and Clash DJs spin electro and alternative, with a live performance from musician and producer Jack Colleran.

Shacklewell Arms, Shacklewell Ln, E8 2EB (020 7249 0810). 8pm. £5.

Nashville Babylon Loose DJs play country, Americana and rock, plus live performances. 12 Bar Club, Denmark Place, WC2H 8NL (020 7240 2622). 7pm-2am. Adv £6.

THURSDAY 13

Oskar Pink Takeover Tour DJ for Oasis and Kasabian Phil Smith plays rock ‘n’ roll, with a live performance from Daniel Jeanrenaud. The Wheelbarrow, Camden High St, NW1 7JH (020 7387 3691). 8pm-1am. Phone for prices.

Bass Face Drum ‘n’ bass, funk, dubstep and grime courtesy of Brown And Gammon, Lena Cullen, Spooky And Gloeasy, with resident support from DJ Shorty, DJ Halo and Glacier.

The Rhythm Factory, Whitechapel Rd, E1 1EW (020 7375 3774).

10pm-3am. £10, guestlist £7.

Huw Stephens’ Christmas Party The Radio 1 DJ spins electronic music with DJ Felson plus new live bands and MCs. The Social, Little Portland St, W1W 7JD (020 7636 4992). Midnight-late. Free.

Black Cab Sessions Rock, electro, indie and pop courtesy of DJ Mim. Notting Hill Arts Club, Notting Hill Gate, W11 3JQ (020 7460 4459). 8pm-2am. £8, £6 before 11pm, free before 8pm.

22

King’s Cross

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Bruk Out Christmas Special Robbo Ranx, Nasty McQuaid and Mangno spin dubstep, hip-hop, R‘n’B, house, grime and tropical bass, with live performances from XO Man and Wavy Spice. The Big Chill House, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7427 2540). 8pm-2am. Free How S That? Guest DJs spin experimental sounds. Joiners Arms, Hackney Rd, E2 7QL (020 7739 9397).

10pm-late. £3, free before 11.30pm.

It’s Not All Minimal Reggae, Afrobeat, disco and house classics courtesy of the Phonica All Stars.

The Big Chill Bar, Drury Walk, E1 6QL (020 7392 9180). 8pm-1am. Free.

Lemteks Christmas In The Jungle DJs Raggamuffin, Sargy, Dirty Rat Child, Warrior and Scamp spin jungle, techno and breakbeat. The Silver Bullet, Station Place, N4 2DH (020 7619 3639). 10pm-late. Free.

Mike And Daggers Big Christmas Cracker The DJs play festive hits. South London Pacific, Kennington Rd, SE11 4LD (020 7820 9189). 7pm-1am. Free.

A Ratchet Xmas Wonderland Frankie Layo spins R‘n’B and dancehall. Dalston Superstore, Kingsland High St, E8 2PB (020 7254 2273). 9pm-2.30am. Free.

Room Service Weekly gay dance party with residents including Kris Di Angelis, Severino, Fat Tony, Steve Pitron, Matt Bogard and Ariel. Miabella, Greek St, W1D 4DL (020 7025 7844). 10pm3am. £8, £5 before midnight.

FRIDAY 14 Cat Face Resident DJs spin a fusion of indie, dubstep, rock, classic pop, retro hip-hop and dancehall. The Macbeth, Hoxton St, N1 6LP (020 7749 0600). 7pmlate. £10, £3 with a cat face.

Dub All Nothing Dubstep from Zeds Dead, Sigma, TC, Cutline, Taiki, Nulight, Kraze, Syrum, Pan, Jackal, Jooks, Pola, Pelikann and many more. Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730).

10pm-6am. Queue Jump £22, £15, adv £10 & £12, mems £10.

The Gallery Markus Schulz, Judge Jules, Claudia Cazacu, The Thrillseekers, Plastic Fondu, Riley, Durrant, Gavyn Mytchel and Maison spin trance. The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010). 10.30pm-6am. £14.

Gottwood Festival Xmas Party House and techno courtesy of Shenoda, Eldoko, Eton Messy, Croz & Farrer and Hannah Hammond. The Basing House, Kingsland Rd, E2 8AA (020 7688 0339).

10pm-4am. £12, adv £8 & £10.

@tntmagazine

Craig Charles Funk And Soul Club The actor and Radio 6 DJ spins funk and soul, with Wah Wah 45 DJs in the Kingpin Suite. Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes, Basement Of Tavistock Hotel, Tavistock Sq, WC1H 9EU (020 7183 1979). 8pm-3am. £8, adv £5.

DC7 & Angles Of Love Present Wow! Closing Party Uto Karem, Carlo Lio and Alexi Delano spin house and techno. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111).

10pm-late. £20, adv/mems £15.

EV & Birdsong Present DJs Greg Wilson, Stuart Patterson, Size Doesn’t Matter, Si Kurrage and Mr Shiver play house, disco, soul and electronica. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 9pm-late. Adv £10.

Hacienda 30 DJs Todd Terry, Marshall Jefferson, Mike Pickering and Bobby Langley spin house and old skool records. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527).

9pm-3am. £15.50-£17.50, adv £12.50.

Orbital After Party Phil Hartnoll of Orbital fame spins house, techno, electro and breaks. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/ cc 020 7274 5537). 10pm-5am. £10.

Mellophonik Louie Cut spins minimal techno. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303).

7pm-late. Phone for prices.

The Pool At Somerset House Skate and dance under the stars as the ice rink is host to a disco battle between Matty J & Ben Terry and Luke Unabomber.

Somerset House, The Strand, WC2R 1LA (020 7845 4600). 8pm-9pm, 9.15pm10.15pm, 10.30pm-11.30pm. £17.

Saturday Sessions Presents Dance courtesy of Basement Jaxx, Riva Starr, Paparat, MikeyO, Dave Lane, Dave Walker, Mike Injeti, Barry Hosegood and William Andrew.

The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010). 11pm-7am. £18.

Soca Frenzy Ska, reggae and soca courtesy of Tate, Bliss, Bones, Triple M and QT 2 Hype in room one and Cold Chizzle, Mr Migz and Scooby in room two. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). 11pm-late. £15.

Soulberries Resident DJs and guests spin indie classics and old skool. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

Spangland Marsham, Wayne And Jonnay, Kieran Doyle, Harry Darke, Joel Bar and Patrick Cresswell play house, electro and dance. The Whitehouse, Clapham Park Rd, SW4 7EH (020 7498 3388).

9pm-late. £7, £5 before midnight.

SATURDAY 15 2020Vision 12hr Xmas Session Twelve hours of house, techno and electronic featuring sets from Chez Damier, Ralph Lawson, Andre Lodemann, Climbers, Ossie and Last Magpie. Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). 6pm-6am. £15, £12 before 10pm, early bird £10.

SUNDAY 16 Bump CJ Beatz, Phaze 1, CWD and Motive spin hip-hop, UK funky, dancehall and dubstep. Plan B, Brixton Rd, SW9 7AY (020 7737 7372).

9pm-4am. £10, £7 before 11pm.

Clapham Christmas Rock Party Indie and rock from The Half Light, The Expressions, The Mildhearts, Junction 7 and Stu Rawle. Arch, Lendal Terrace, SW4 7UX (020 7720 7343). 6.30pm-late. £1.

Fuse DJ Enzo Siragusa and guests play deep house and techno. 93 Feet East, Brick Ln, E1 6RU (020 7770 6006). 2pm-midnight. £10.

Neu Noir Xmas Party Electronic, experimental and alternative music courtesy of Andrew Hung’s Dawn Hunger, Neurotic Mass Movement, Creatures Of Love, Navaho Blue, Sinah and Antwerp.

Shacklewell Arms, Shacklewell Ln, E8 2EB (020 7249 0810). 6pm-late. Free.

Shiftless Shuffle Christmas Party DJs Perry Louis, Seymour Nurse, Simon Mansell and Nick Hosier spin jazz, dance, funk and Latin.

East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 2pm-9pm. £6.

Audio Rehab: Label Launch Party James What, Mark Radford, Dominique Danielle, Georgia Girl and Adam Cotier spin electro and house across three rooms.

Fire, Arch, 39-43 Parry St, corner South Lambeth Rd, SW8 1RT (020 3242 0040). 10pm-6am. £15.

Sunday Sessions Oliver Ingrosso, younger brother of Swedish House Mafia’s Sebastian Ingrosso, spins house. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303).

2pm-11pm. Phone for prices.

Big Vinyl Circus DJs Matt Long and Gianluca Sved spin house and techno. Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730).

5pm-midnight. £15, adv £10.

Tutti Frutti Resident DJ Squeaky and guest DJs spin disco, raw-house and soul. Dalston Superstore, Kingsland High St, E8 2PB (020 7254 2273). 8pm-1.30am. Free.

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MONDAY 10 The Cat Empire, Clairy Browne, The Bangin’ Rackettes The Australian band plays ska-rock. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £25.

Puppini Sisters, David McAlmont, Stephen Coates, Retro swing and easy listening from the three-piece vocal group. Cadogan Hall, Sloane Terrace, SW1X 9DQ (020 7730 4500). £35, adv £25.

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Rancid, Cock Sparrer Californian punk-rock four-piece featuring guitarists Tim Armstrong and Lars Frederiksen. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). Also Sat & Sun, £30.

Katatonia, Alcest, Junius Doom and black metal from the Swedish band. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £16.

Christopher Owens The singer-songwriter from Miami, best known as the frontman for the band Girls, plays indie-rock.

St-Giles-In-The-Fields, St Giles High St, WC2H 8LG (020 7240 2532/ cc 020 7403 3331). £15.

Praying For The Rain A mix of folk, Celtic and world music by the band from the South West of England. St James’s Church, Piccadilly, W1J 9LL (020 7381 0441). £15, concs £10.

Scroobius Pip, Kate Tempest, Brian Gittins The rapper and spoken word artist performs leftfield hip-hop in support of his album Distraction Pieces. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/cc 0844 847 1678). £12.

Stone Sour, Papa Roach, Hounds Singer and Slipknot member Corey Taylor leads his Iowa-based outfit for a performance of alternative metal and hard rock. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). Also Tue, £29.50.

TUESDAY 11 Gwen Dickey, Heatwave The ex-Rose Royce vocalist performs R‘n’B, funk and soul.

Islington Town Hall, Upper St, N1 2UD (020 7527 2000). £30.

Roddy Frame Indie-rock from the East Kilbride-born singersongwriter and member of the band Aztec Camera. Cadogan Hall, Sloane Terrace, SW1X 9DQ (020 7730 4500). £25.

Mull Historical Society, Richard Walters Singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist Colin MacIntyre, from the Isle of Mull, plays uplifting pop-rock and indie to promote the album City Awakenings.

The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £14.

Mumford And Sons The multi-platinum selling Londonbased indie-folk outfit led by singer Marcus Mumford. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £29.50-£32.50.

My Brightest Diamond The band project, fronted by New York City-based singer-songwriter Shara Worden, performs new wave indie and gentle folkrock, with distinct classical elements. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £15.

The Terraces, The Electric River, Vaughan King, Sam Brett Energetic and lively punk-rock from the Australian four-piece to promote self-titled debut album. Surya, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JL (020 7713 6262). £6.

The Rasmus, The Dirty Youth The Finnish band, best known for the song In The Shadows, performs pop-rock from its self titled album. Electric Ballroom, Camden High St, NW1 8QP (020 7485 9006). £14.

READING AND LEEDS FESTIVAL 2013 Richfield Avenue & Bramham Park. Aug 23-25, 2013 £197.50 Early bird tickets are on sale now for next year’s summer ending rock fest with Deftones (above), Alt-J and Sub Focus already confirmed to play. readingfestival.com; leedsfestival.com

WEDNESDAY 12 Admiral Fallow, Olympic Swimmers Contemporary folk and indie-pop by the Glasgow-based band, formed by singer-songwriter Louis Abbott. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). Adv £10.

The Black Keys Contemporary blues-rock from the awardwinning American two-piece, promoting its Danger Mouse produced album, El Camino. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). Also Thu, £30.

Friendly Fires, Cheatahs, Mat Horne The Mercury Prizenominated trio from St Albans, Hertfordshire performs electro and disco-infused indie-rock and dance-punk as part of the fundraising event. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £20.

Futures The Buckinghamshireformed four-piece plays indie-rock with a punk-pop and surf-rock sound, from its second album The Karma Album. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £10.

Ellie Goulding The indie-pop, electro-pop and folktronica singer-songwriter and multiinstrumentalist promotes her album Halcyon. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £25.

Squeeze, Paul Heaton Chris Difford and Glenn Tilbrook join forces once again to play their brand of witty pop. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). £37.50.

THURSDAY 13

Steve Harley The veteran pop-rock singer-songwriter plays his hits acoustic. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). £22.50.

Manteca The band formed by Colombian singer Martha Acosta and bass guitarist Don Fiora plays groove-laden and lively Latin with funk, salsa and soul from the album Tremendo Boogaloo. Floridita, Wardour St, W1F 0TN (020 7314 4042). £10.

Mika Colourful and catchy pop from flamboyant and charttopping Lebanon-born singersongwriter, now based in London, in support of the album The Origin Of Love. Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). £25.

She’Koyokh The award-winning klezmer ensemble from London plays Jewish, Eastern European, Balkan and Turkish music. The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). Adv £10.

Squeeze, Paul Heaton See Thursday. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £37.50 & £47.50.

FRIDAY 14 Dodgy, Mark Morriss The outfit from the 1990s returns to play upbeat indie power pop. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £17.50.

The Hives, The Minutes, The Cesarians Lively garage-rock and punk from the Swedish noiseniks, known for their black and white dress code.

Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). £18.50.

Speech Debelle The London-based singer-songwriter and Mercury Prize-winner performs hip-hop and soulful R‘n’B. The Jazz Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7PG (020 7485 6834/ cc 0870 060 3777). £10.

Madness Ska and pop from Suggs and the band to promote the album Oui, Oui, Si, Si, Ja, Ja, Da, Da. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £29.50-£47.50.

Gentleman’s Dub Club A blend of dub, electronica and reggae fusion from the Leeds-based collective to promote its debut album Open Your Eyes. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £10.

Orbital, Nathan Fake Electronica and kaleidoscopic techno from the duo, promoting the album Wonky. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). Also Sat, £30.

Nerina Pallot The award-winning singer-songwriter and musician from Jersey plays pop-rock. The Tabernacle, Powis Sq, off Portobello Rd, W11 2AY (020 7221 9700). £22.

The Stamp Collective Londonbased fiddle player Joe Broughton leads his musician collective as it plays contemporary folk.

The Forge Venue And Caponata Restaurant, Delancey St, NW1 7NL (020 7383 7808). £10 & £12.

SUNDAY 16

Saint Etienne The Londonbased threesome performs alt dance-pop from the album Words And Music By Saint Etienne. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £22.50.

Save The Children’s Christmas Tree Sessions A showcase of live music, DJs, comedy and poetry, featuring performances from Guy Garvey, Myleene Klass, Fyfe Dangerfield, Spiritualized, Spz, Skulls, Kodaline and Josh Kumra.

Hosted by Lauren Laverne. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). Adv £40.

SATURDAY 15 The Damned Classic punk from the veteran outfit know for the song Eloise. Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). £20.

Death In June Singer-songwriter and musician Douglas Pearce from Surrey, now based in Australia, leads his band as it plays experimental neofolk, post-punk and industrial, with dark ambient elements.

Electrowerkz, Torrens St, EC1V 1NQ (020 7837 6419). Adv £15.

Dr Feelgood The originators of the rhythm ‘n’ blues pubrock sound from Canvey Island performs its hits. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £14.

Electric Six American alt rock band performs the album Fire in its entirety. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £15.

Freedom From Torture Presents: Stone Flowers World music from torture survivors, performed in English, Lingala, Farsi, Kurdish, French, Swahili, Bosnian and Kikongo, blending traditional and modern instruments with musical influences ranging from folk, classical, spoken word, world and hip-hop. St-Giles-In-The-Fields, St Giles High St, WC2H 8LG (020 7240 2532/cc 020 7403 3331).

Suggested donation £5.

Lemar The award-winning R‘n’B and soul singer-songwriter from London, who gained recognition after finishing third on the 2002 series of Fame Academy, promotes his fifth album Invincible.

IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). £19.50-£45.

Asaf Avidan The singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist from Jerusalem, Israel performs bluesrock and world music-inspired folk from the album, Different Pulses. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £13.50.

Bollywood Showcase 2012 Bollywood and pop extravaganza featuring Himesh Reshammiya, Falak, Yo Yo Honey Singh and Toshi And Sharib Sabri. Wembley Arena, Arena Sq, Engineers Way, HA9 0DH (0870 060 0870). £25-£70.

Action Bronson Hip-hop from the New York MC. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £14.50.

Enter Shikari, Cancer Bats, Engine-Earz Experiment The award-winning St Albans-based four-piece plays energised electronic post-hardcore, with touches of dubstep and alt metal, to promote its third album A Flash Flood Of Colour.

Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). Adv £20.

Frost, It Bites The fourpiece, which features singer and producer Jem Godfrey, performs neo-progressive rock. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). Adv £20 Little Angels, Skin, The Temperance Movement Hard rock from the re-formed Scarboroughbased five-piece, led by Toby Jepson, best known for its success in the 1990s with the album Jam and the song Womankind. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £20.

Mile Me Deaf, Sex Jams, Carlito The Austrian rock outfit, a sideproject of the musician Wolfgang Mostl, performs an eclectic fusion of noise rock, lo-fi pop and new wave indie. Catch, Kingsland Rd, E2 8DA (020 7729 6097). £6, adv £5.

Romanz The award-winning South African vocal group performs pop and light classical songs in Afrikaans and English.

The Hippodrome Casino, Cranbourn St, WC2H 7AJ (0844 248 5144). £15.

Soul Liberation Funk The London-based band plays a fusion of soul, funk and reggae.

Upstairs At The Ritzy, Coldharbour Ln, SW2 1JG (0871 704 2065). £7.

The XX, John Talabot The downbeat indie-pop group from London promotes its chart-topping album Coexist. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £25.

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South Central’s Rob The electro-rock act’s vocalist on being a fave of The Prodigy, raging against Rage and why live performance is everything INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON

You’re supporting The Prodigy again at their Brixton End Of The World shows ...

We are really excited. We’ve done quite a few gigs with them, but not for a while.

Indeed, you’ve played live with them a lot since they spotted you in Paris in 2006 – do you become competitive?

It’s hard to say we are competitive – you can’t compete with the people who started a whole scene. We get a lot of people who come up to us saying they want to be like The Prodigy, but you just can’t. It would be like saying you want to be like The Beatles. We were playing a gig in Dusseldorf recently, though, to 7000 people, but Keith [DJ] missed his flight. I had to do the set alone and it wasn’t the best show and The Prodigy guys were backstage shouting: “You’re a one man band!”

Noiseniks: hooded heavy metal dance merchants

So how did you and Keith start out?

We used to have an indie band, but to finance it we were producing electronic music and remixing. Then the electronic music started to do better than the band and we began to combine the two. We’d learned a lot about performing from playing live so we had the confidence that a normal DJ who just puts his headphones on doesn’t. And that’s why The Prodigy like us, as our performances are wild.

and everywhere, no matter who you’re touring with. But when we were trying to do the live set up, we used certain electronic programmes on stage to keep the sound really tight, and a lot of that we learned from Rob [Swire] and Gareth [McGrillen], who are both now in Knife Party [now Pendulum’s original line-up has disbanded]. Every two or three months we see each other too, and it’s like, “How do you do that kick drum?” or, “How do you do this thing?”.

What did you learn about performance from Keith Flint and The Prodigy guys?

Lots of stuff, like looking at the audience while you’re playing. It’s important to get that connection in a live show. And also that you have to prepare mentally and physically for shows. We go into training for a tour!

You draw on a lot of different genres, but who are your main influences?

A lot of early stuff like Gary Numan, as he mixed electronic music with guitars. We did a track with him which was the best day ever! Bands like Metallica and Rammstein all relate to our music, too. The influence is not too much in your face but it is there, especially on songs like Jaw Drop [off the new Hollywood EP]. It’s mainly metal and dubstep. And then people like Skrillex too, who’s inspiring because he has made an entirely new thing all of his own. Dubstep was there already, of course, but not in the same way.

What is your preparation routine?

We do a whole day of prep for a show, and when you are on tour, your stamina does build up. On the flipside, though, when you have been in the studio for a week, like we just have, and then go back out on the road, that is when it hits you. Your strength has gone down, you know?

We are only human.

What did you learn production-wise from touring with Pendulum?

You just pick up stuff immediately, anywhere

Who’s crazier, rock or dance crowds?

The crowds at rock festivals fucking go for it, they’re always moshing to every hi-hat and beat.

But if you go to clubs where there are a load of girls rather than heavy metal guys, you know what you have to play. We don’t compromise

much with our music but you do sometimes have to bend the rules a bit. We DJ-ed after Iron Maiden’s Sonisphere [Festival] set – get that wrong and you’d probably get stabbed.

What was your best ever gig?

Our first gig in Japan was amazing. And supporting Rage Against The Machine at Finsbury Park in 2010 [for the free concert the LA rap-rock band put on after a Facebook campaign made them 2009’s Christmas number one]. That was a really weird one, as we were playing electronic music to a crowd that only really wanted to hear fuckin’ Rage.

Why the trademark hoodies you wear?

The first time we had a photoshoot we did it with hoodies. We sent them out and everyone was going “the hooded duo, the hooded duo”.

So we thought, “Fucking hell it’s working, let’s stick with it.” It’s kind of our symbol now.

Do you believe 2012 will be the end of the world, as the Mayans do?

They got a lot of things right, but this isn’t one of them. We have worked really hard to get here – if the fucking world did end I’d be pissed off!

South Central at O2 Academy Brixton. Dec 18-20. £50 SW9 9SL southcentralmusic.co.uk Brixton Hollywood EP is out now

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Cruising for a boozin’ ...

SMASHED FILM review by Alasdair Morton STARRING: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Aaron Paul | 15 | 81mins

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY FILM STARRING: Martin Freeman | 12A | 169mins

Tim from The Office plays Bilbo in this first instalment of a three-part Lord Of The Rings prequel series. Expect hairy feet, swords and sorcery, a next-gen CGI-Gollum, Down Underers Cate Blanchett and Hugo Weaving, and Ian McKellen being a badass as Gandalf.

On general release from Dec 13

28

Want to win an Oscar? Then ugly up, or play someone with an illness. It would be unfair though to pigeonhole this as just another ‘issue pic’ in which a Hollywood pretty – here Mary Elizabeth Winstead – goes anti-glam for their art.

Winstead plays 20-something primary school teacher Kate who is happily married but also, as she comes to learn and accept, an alcoholic. After one night sees her partying go from embarrassing to scary (smoking crack under a freeway bridge, for one), she decides to get sober. But it’s never going to be easy, with life changes, and friends and family affecting her route to sobriety.

Winstead gives a powerful performance, lacing Kate’s early escapades with the sort of righteous indignation that makes her charming, offensive and a liability all at the same time. Director and co-writer James Ponsoldt draws from personal and familial experiences with addiction, and it is this detail that makes Smashed honest and true to life, without resorting to grubby worst-case scenario shock-tactics, or overly trite new-found-life happy endings. Using a hand held approach, he injects urgency into Kate and husband Charlie’s chaotic lives, and peace and calm, too, as Kate attempts to break out on to the road of the 12 steps.

Winstead is commanding as a woman who is aware of her illness and unable at first to combat it, but who learns to understand both herself and her new path. It is also very touching, and refreshingly free of the dour faux seriousness with which these sort of issue pics are usually carried out. An Oscar dark horse? Could be.

GOOD FOR: An adult coming-of-age story told with pathos, humour and love. Opens Dec 14.

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FRISKY AND MANNISH

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

The pop skewering comedy song duo promise to pull out all of the stops for this festive gig. There will be a Christmas tree, a live band and a host of special guests for this festive treat of a show, including Abandoman, Piff The Magic Dragon, Abi Collins and Bruce Airhead, plus a very special, yet to be revealed secret guest.

Photos: Tristram Kenton; Rosie Collins; Warner Bros

Koko 1a Camden High Street, NW1 7JE. Dec 14. £17+ Mornington Crescent koko.uk.com

NO IMITATION

GOODNIGHT MISTER TOM

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

Nine of the world’s most celebrated street artists come together for this eye-catching exhibition, which includes work by musicianturned-artist Goldie, street art legend Banksy, French pioneer Mr Brainwash and Stik, an artist whose work was noticed while he was living on the streets of London.

Michelle Magorian’s 1981 children’s book – about an illiterate orphan who is evacuated from London to Dorset during WW2 – makes a successful transition to the stage. David Wood’s swift, compassionate adaptation doesn’t shy away from the more upsetting elements of this ultimately uplifting wartime tale, either. LK

Imitate Modern 27a Devonshire Street, W1G 6PN. Until Jan 31. FREE Baker Street imitatemodern.com

Phoenix Theatre WC2H 0JP. Until Jan 26. £15+ Leicester Square goodnightmistertom.co.uk

CHASING ICE

MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG

FILM

THEATRE

Nat Geo photographer James Balog has helped redefine how we see and understand mankind’s relationship with the natural environment. His work with the Extreme Ice Survey forms the basis for this new doco that uses time-lapse methods to document disappearing glacial ice.

You can bet the anti-climate change camp will be ready to argue against it, though.

It’s hard to believe Stephen Sondheim’s heart-breaking and witty musical – about the friendship between a Hollywood composer and two former collaborators – flopped on Broadway in 1981. Since then, it’s been tweaked and emerges here as a wry look at how life can turn out. An almost unqualified success. LK

On general release from December 14

Menier Chocolate Factory SE1 1RU. Until Feb 23. £29.50 London Bridge menierchocolatefactory.com

ALUN COCHRANE What are the shows this week about? I like to think, perhaps grandly, that it is about the funny little moments in life that other people too easily pass by, but which I bring to our attention … ideally to hilarious effect. But it could also be a load of jokes and stories about life from a man who may have more time than others to think about things.

Where was your first comedy show and how did it go? I did a load of stolen jokes and impressions at a school talent show when I was about 10 years old. It went amazingly, there were applause breaks and everything.

Truly the response I got then means that every gig since has been tainted with a feeling of diminishing returns.

Who’s your comedy idol? I have many, from Stan Laurel and Tommy Cooper to the present day, but it wouldn’t be nice to name any living comics as my idol as it would make other living comics jealous. They’re all competing to be my idol you see.

Moments Of Alun Leicester Square Theatre, WC2H 7BX. Dec 14 & 15. £12 Leicester Square leicestersquaretheatre.com

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Quiet please: The Boy With Tape On His Face; (right) singing oven mitts

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Finding his lack of voice Actions speak louder than words, as mega Kiwi comedy theatre performer The Boy With Tape On His Face proves WORDS ALASDAIR MORTON Oven mitts, toilet paper, a suggestive red coat and no words – not the ordinary tools to enthrall an audience at the Royal Albert Hall, but New Zealander Sam Wills, aka The Boy With Tape On His Face, is no ordinary performer. These were among his comedy weapons, along with the backing of a symphony orchestra, when he took the 2011 Comedy Proms by storm. Even he, quietly of course, was pinching himself.

“I knew it was a good venue, but when I walked up to it that’s when it really hit me,” Wills says. “It holds 7000 people! There is something very strange about being on that stage shaking two horse heads [more of his props] around with a whole orchestra behind you.”

The Dunedin product’s show has swiftly gone from being Wills’ bizarre creation to storming this year’s Edinburgh Fringe. Now he’s nabbed a three-week West End winter run.

Not bad for a show in which, as the tape-instigated silence suggests, the sole performer says not a word.

The Boy is a silent comedy theatre character, an alter-ego of sorts that juggler-turned-stage star Wills describes as a “heightened version of the teenage boy inside of me”.

Wills, who moved to the UK in 2006 and performed in Covent Garden Piazza with dreams of a West End show, takes his inspiration from the likes of offbeat stunt performers The Jim Rose Circus and Tokyo Shock Boys, and initially dreamed of being a juggler in Las Vegas. But The Boy is quite unlike anything he has done before, and purposefully so.

“I was doing other shows and performances, the more talky based stand-up comedy shows,” he says of his street performing roots. “But I wanted to do something new and challenge myself. I decided to take my skills, doing stunts, and then do a show that didn’t use them – no tricks, no talking.”

The result is no more nail-in-the-nose shock shows.

Instead, he draws on Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin’s vaudeville stylings, old-fashioned clowning and all manner of unpredictable props, music and the audience. With his physical comedy and quirky inventiveness comes an act that transcends language, age, gender and cultural differences.

This universal appeal was always part of Wills’ goal. “I always think of international audiences,” he says of his plans for a show that deserves to, and most likely will, go global.

“I stop my music at the late Eighties and early Nineties, because I want there to be an element of nostalgia. I want people to go, ‘I remember this song’, rather than it being,

‘here is my latest Lady Gaga gag’.” So Patrick Swayze classic Ghost crops up, so too cliched French accordion music and the theme to Tom Cruise’s Days Of Thunder, which accompanies, as Wills puts it, “a cheap cock gag done very well”.

One of the key elements of the show has always been its audience participation. It is not so much a show at which you

“

You are fair game, even on the back row

”

might get asked a question or two if you’re sat in the front row, but one where you are fair game no matter what seat number you have – he often calls on the back row, showing his penchant for bucking convention. You could end up on stage stripping at The Boy’s behest or in a staple gun shootout with balloons – whatever it is, you won’t expect it.

“Luckily it can’t go wrong,” he enthuses of the show’s highly unpredictable element. “It doesn’t matter what people do, because I can guide them around to where I want them. I want really normal people, though – the ››

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Clockwise: The Boy; taking flight on stage; Sam Wills with his Edinburgh Panel Award

32

Foster’s Edinburgh Comedy Awards’ Panel prize – as well as 20 minutes of his favourite stuff, “the hits” as he puts it.

“The first show I wrote as an introduction to the character, and it had everything in it I wanted, so people would know the style of the jokes,” he says of The Boy’s evolution. “The second I wrote to be bigger. If you think of the first show as one-liners, the second is like long-form joke-telling.”

To give more away about some of the routines would be to spoil the show for the uninitiated, be we’ll tease you with the prospect of clay pottery, Westerns (“that’s becoming a

“

A guy in Glasgow kept taking off his clothes

”

big hit at the moment”) and a wonderful routine involving a doll that’s as sweet and charming as it is hilarious. Also, a climactic finale in which “an audience member triggers a T-minus countdown”.

The only real shame about The Boy not speaking is that, in person, Wills is a charming and energetic wee man, his conversation peppered with laughs and anecdotes and infectious enthusiasm, which probably explains why his show is as popular with the public as it is the critics.

“We get people who come more than once,” he reveals.

“I had a guy in Melbourne who came nine times. What usually happens is that they’ll come back with a friend and sit there going ‘you have to see this bit!’.” And with three weeks of performances to pick from, you can bet he’ll have a whole new group of repeat offenders come the new year.

The Boy With Tape On His Face Duchess Theatre, WC2B 5LA. Dec 17-Jan 5. £22.50 Covent Garden duchesstheatre.com

Photos: Getty;

more human and natural they are, the more people will laugh. So if someone’s going ‘pick me’ or saying their mate ‘is hilarious’, then I won’t pick them as they’re too eager.

Sometimes people have said they’ve been disappointed they weren’t chosen, which is very strange for audience participation to have that reaction.”

Although he says it can’t go wrong, there have been moments when relying on a member of the public has had joyously unexpected results.

“There is one routine where I get a guy up and dress him [over his clothes] in overalls, a hi-vis jacket and a hard hat [before then sitting him back down in the audience]. It’s the stripper routine. But this one guy in Glasgow just kept going and taking off his own clothes. I just sat there and thought: ‘I am staying put, this is great.’ And the audience loved it.

I have had some very reluctant strippers though, who just stand there, but that just becomes funnier and funnier.”

Writing such diverse shows comes from, Wills says, a combination of improvisation and inspiration seeking.

“There is a shop near my house that has all these kinds of oddities and bits and pieces in it,” he reveals of his shopkeeper-baffling process that has on occasion involved returning several times within the same day to buy one toilet plunger after another (consider what William Tell could have done with this device and you’ll be near The Boy’s use).

Indeed, a new sketch involves an equally everyday object.

“I thought about what The Boy’s musical instrument would be,” he muses. “The normal carnie default setting is to play the saw, but I’ve been playing around with getting different Sellotape dispensers and getting different sounds when you pull them. And I love the twang you get when you play the ruler on a desk. I might do that and play the Deliverance song on it!” He could call it Duelling Dispens-os.

Despite these new routine ideas, this forthcoming winter run is drawn from his recent More Tape show – a breakout hit this year at the Edinburgh Fringe, where he picked up the TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPARETIME

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by Shipping Forecast Knitwear.

House-proud folk will love rummaging through the ‘fancy goods’ section where you’ll find items collected during the curators’ adventures abroad, such as Romanian ceramics, Japanese and Portuguese stationery, and Indian bike lights. You’ve gotta see this place to believe it.

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LIFESTYLEHEALTH CLASS OF THE WEEK

STREET HIP HOP Fancy yourself as a Stomp The Yard or Step Up extra? Try one of Pineapple dance studios street hip-hop dance classes, in central London, and you may just have a shot. At these weekly workouts, instructor Lil J teaches teach various beginner’s dance techniques, such as popping, jazz, contemporary and tap, which you can then practice in your bedroom. In class there’s an incredible atmosphere as a dozen other novices learn the moves to a sequence then complete the routine from the top at the end of class. You’ll be busting innovative moves to hip hop and R&B tracks that’ll be sure to attract a circle of clubbers around you on your next night out. Plus, it’s a fun way to keep fit, as you’ll be doing a steady hour-long cardio workout, stretches and squat moves during each class. There’s no need to book, just turn up and dance for £6 (plus a £2 daily membership fee). Street hip-hop lessons take place on Wednesdays between 6pm-7pm.

Other classes available throughout the week include ballet, tap, jazz, contemporary and Latin.

7 Langley Street, WC2H 9JA pineapple.uk.com Covent Garden

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Xmas orphans Family on the other side of the world this festive season? That’s no reason why it can’t be a cracker WORDS MICHAEL GADD

So your mum and all the things you associate with Christmas – such as sunshine – are oceans away, but consider this: for every memory-twigging odour from the kitchen, there’s a brussels sprout, for every pressie under the tree, there’s a rellie’s kid crying about a toy worth your weekly wage. Sure, Crimbo is largely about family and tradition, but when that’s not an option, call it an opportunity. Get the Skyping over with and do it your way. Go out, get out of town, stay in for a day on the (not cranberry) sauce or go the whole hog – the day is your turkey.

The key is to always have a ham in the fridge – cheap feed and it feels like Christmas.”

Pub? They’re open

Whatever you believe, customs make Crimbo – going to church, playing pick the drunkest uncle or wearing paper hats … this is the chance to do it your way. Annie Barker, from Sydney and living in Kilburn, and her multicultured mates put on an English spread, but with a homely dish each. “I make a trifle, but instead of sponge I use Aussie Tim Tams,” she says. Or put a twist on carols like Gold Coast

Well, hundreds are. Pints and no washing up? It’s hard to beat. But beware most lunch/ dinner deals are multi-course affairs that aren’t cheap and require booking.

“We always have a big one on Chrissie Eve so Christmas Day’s a massive sleep in,” says Chris Toohey, a Kiwi who lives in Clapham.

“Then we just hit the pub in our Santa hats.

Get mulled this Christmas...

Get away: You still can No transport and freezing weather, Emily Phillips gets out of Dodge: “My friends and I like to get a house in the country for a few days – wherever we can get cheap. It’s just like Cameron Diaz in The Holiday, except less lonely and Jude Law hasn’t turned up … yet.”

This year they’re off to Devon. See what’s available at lastminute-cottages.co.uk.

Tradition: Make your own

Or go the whole turkey

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XMAS GOODIES

Lynx Apollo cream gel Keep your style with extra hold £4.29 boots.com

Go your own way: make this Xmas the way you’ve always wanted it expat Adrian Johns: “We sing a line each and when someone stuffs up they have to drink.”

Mulled wine, anyone?

Go large: Host a massive spread If you must replicate your mum’s magic, don’t let it do your head or bank balance in. Celeb lifestyle guru Aggie Mckenzie’s top tip is to shop online and book your delivery slot now.

You’ll save time and money. Laurie Hammond of Hammond Butchers says a turkey is the best bet to feed a lot for less: “It’s great value for money – one 5kg bird will feed 10 at least.

“They now come with pop-ups, which stick into the breast and tell you when it’s cooked, taking out the guess work.” Buy a pudding but make it your own with an easy, impressive sauce – try Rachel Allen’s boozy toffee or James Martin’s honey and hazelnut creme fraiche (uktv.co.uk/food).

Hijack: Guest who stole Christmas People are really friendly at Christmas, so don’t suffer in silence. Someone would love to have you as a guest.

Aussie labourer Adrian Connolly once got adopted for the day by a family in Kent: “I was staying at a backpackers. One day I was talking to this girl and her mum came up – she noticed my accent and thought I was a friend so asked what I was doing for Christmas Day. “I said nothing, and wasn’t fussed about it. But she insisted I join them.

I took a couple bottles of wine, we all NEXT WEEK got smashed and Feeling rough: watched Wallace TNT road tests & Gromit – I made hangover cures friends for life.”

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

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‘Now, where’s the photocopier?’

X-rated Xmas party Worked your tits off this year and want to unwind with a few tequilas at your Christmas do? Think again WORDS JADE BREMNER Work Christmas parties are historically sordid affairs. The dangerous mix of pent-up resentment and sexual attraction, not to mention free alcohol, means they can get messy. So messy, in fact, your head could end up on the chopping block.

However, fear not. We’re here to offer advice on how not to behave, so you don’t end up blottoed and photocopying your genitals in front of your colleagues, or worse ...

While a little exposing oneself may sound like a normal night out to some, 30-year-old City banker Peter Jones* learned the hard way that his flaccid cock was something his work colleagues should never have seen.

“I’d just passed my probation – I’d been at the company three months and 38

three days,” he explains proudly. “This, let me assure you, does not mean you can get away with anything.”

After previous hedonistic nights out with the other male bankers, Jones had already developed a reputation among his colleagues. “My boss put me up to it, as I’d exposed myself once on a night out,” he continues.

“So when he asked me to do it at the work Christmas party, at the drop of a hat, I flopped my old boy out,” he admits. “Before I could put him back in, I heard, ‘You’re fired’ from the HR director, who happened to be standing right next to me.”

He explains that, after a stressful Christmas, he had to beg for his job back – and he was reinstated on the grounds he was taking a

direct order from his boss. He’s since managed to maintain his career at the same company and reckons it even “enhanced my reputation”.

Nevertheless, HR manager Gemma Cannon, 29, from London, wouldn’t recommend this behaviour at your Crimbo do this year.

“You can relax a bit, but don’t overstep the mark,” Smith says.

She explains even the wrong conversations can be detrimental to your career, depending on which industry you’re in. “Be aware of what you are talking about and who you are talking to ... you don’t want be remembered for the wrong reasons!”

She explains that just as treacherous, if not more so, can be ‘after’ Xmas parties, when you’re still with

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LIFESTYLECAREERS ON THE JOB MAURO SERRA CAREER Multi-tasker at Safestay Hostel AGE 29 LIVES Bermondsey FROM Argentina How did you get into your line of work?

I was looking for a job without a routine, something exciting that was different everyday. Working in a hostel you meet all sorts of people and never stop learning.

Photos: Thinkstock *Names have been changed

‘She never lets me do this in the office’

No gossip is innocent

colleagues but not QUICK TIPS FOR THE her job, and says she on work time. “They OFFICE XMAS PARTY had to pretend there can end in strip clubs had been a death in the • When talking to your boss with or with colleagues family to explain her others, don’t outshine people who doing drugs in the loos need the spotlight more than you, it outrageous behaviour. together, or a particular will make them bitter and hate you.

“As you would problem – employees expect, I don’t work • Eat before you go to your work getting frisky.” there anymore,” she party. Most people will have come Smith says that in says. “People in the straight from the office, so if you her job she’s dealt with office never looked sneak in a snack you’ll be able to accusations of rape match them drink-wise and not get at me the same after Christmas parties: way again.” wasted. Eating is not cheating.

“One girl was so drunk However, HR • Leave when you feel too drunk. she couldn’t remember manager Cannon says Even if you’re having the time of what happened.” we shouldn’t let worstyour life, if you can’t see straight Things can really case scenarios stop us the chances are you’re making a blow up in a worker’s having a good time at prick out of yourself. It’s time to face when they seasonal events. leave. You can thank us later. return to work.

“The work Christmas This is the situation party is a chance to let Sally Russell*, a 26-year-old London your hair down a bit, so don’t worry accountant, found herself in after her too much,” she says. “Throwing up and Xmas shindig last year. going home early are minor – things “I was known as pretty quiet at like that can be forgotten over time.” work, but I was really getting to know It’s embarrassing, but she says being some of my colleagues at our work jovial can work. “Sometimes laughing Christmas event,” she says. it off or cringing and promising that “We were annihilated and I was it will never happen again will be fine caught by my manager giving a double – soon someone else will blow job to my colleagues at the bar. do something “One of the guy’s secretaries came worse and will NEXT WEEK over and pulled him away, across the have their dancefloor, with his trousers around his turn at being Being a busker ankles. The whole place copped an eyethe talk of at Christmas full.” Russell barely managed to keep the office.”

What do you do day-to-day?

I rotate between the roles of receptionist and housekeeper to barman. I love the face-to-face contact with our guests, and the problem-solving aspect. I also enjoy the housekeeping role. It is a super active job, it uses body and brain.

The most rewarding part of the job?

When the customer says thank you and you can really can see they’ve had a great time, it’s very rewarding.

What’s the most challenging part of your job?

Performing well every hour. safestay.co.uk

HOW TO... DRESS

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wear is by looking at how your colleagues dress. Mirror the style of your clients and office.

• Get the right fit – especially

men. Having an oversized suit jacket or a too small skirt and blouse just screams ‘cheap’.

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CASH-SAVING TIPS

HOW YOU SPEND IT!

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£10 OFF TRAVELODGE If you’re planning a little escape this Christmas, it doesn’t have to break the bank. Travelodge is offering a £10-off deal just for the festive season.

Until December 31, take advantage of this decent discount by using the secret code when booking on travelodge.co.uk. Type in FC21518G and you’ll have an extra tenner for beers. Winner!

BOGOF PIZZAS Buy one pizza and get another free at Pizza Hut until January 13, 2013. This offer is available on online or phone orders every day.

To redeem the deal, buy a side from £1.99, then add the code ‘AFDPCTNRW’ when you order the pizza, and ‘AFDDELPXU’ when you order the side. See full details on pizzahut.co.uk.

every time you get paid.

Direct Debit helps me with this, too. Don’t be tempted to spend your savings.

What was your last big blow out?

I moved to London about four weeks ago and pretty much blew my savings straight away. It’s not exactly a cheap city to live in.

OLIVIA DAVIS, 19

Debit. I have to get rid of money before I can see it, otherwise it will be gone in minutes.

JOB Waitress FROM Sunshine Coast, Australia LIVES London How do you budget?

I’m a big fan of using Direct

Do you have any tips for saving money in London?

Save as much as you can

What non-essential items do you spend money on?

It would have to be clothes.

I shop way too much and London’s amazing markets, boutiques and shops are not helping me to stop.

HOW THEY SPEND IT! Birthday blowouts Leonardo DiCaprio allegedly splashed out a whopping £1.8m on champagne at his 38th bash. He’s not the only celebrity who likes to throw a party...

Leo: likes a big bash

❚ Blonde socialite Paris Hilton reportedly spent £46,500 on each guest who turned up to her 21st birthday celebration. It took place in cities including New York and Tokyo.

❚ Lindsay Lohan hasn’t had the best financial luck of late. But, when she turned 20, she organised a £62,000 birthday meal for her and some mates, all cooked by celebrity chef Kerry Simon.

❚ The Sultan of Brunei is up there with the extravagant party throwers. It’s claimed he dropped a huge £16.8m on his big 50th birthday celebration. Some party.

❚ Naomi Campbell knows how to do things in style.

She’s said to have taken her chums to the Burj Al Arab, Dubai. She spent £11m on hiring the place. Wow.

tntjobs.co.uk SNOW + ROCK T: 01483 445335 www.snowandrock.com UK’s leading specialist retailer of outdoor sports equipment and clothing, focused on snow sports, cycling, running, and climbing/hiking.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Part Time Seasonal Sales Assistants Location: London Salary: Competitive hourly pay We have immediate vacancies for part time sales assistants who share our passion for winter snow sports. Ideally with previous relevant retail experience, you will also have first-hand knowledge of winter sports equipment and outdoor products, cycling and running to work across all departments in our stores in and around London.

Please email your CV to hr@snowandrock.com

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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LIFESTYLELIVING

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STYLE 95

£6.

Dino Cookie Cutters Create baked 3D masterpieces red5.co.uk

Jewel in the rough Brixton, SW9

95

£9.

WORDS JADE BREMNER

Karoto peeler For carrots, parsnips and cucumbers prezzybox.com

0

0 £4.

Forget what you think you know about this south London spot, Brixton’s changed.

Yes, there may still be the occasional urban alarm clock (police car siren) and gangland stabbing, but vintage fanatics and artisan foodies have recently moved in – giving it a somewhat unusual twist.

While east London has up and quite frankly ejaculated, Brixton is just getting aroused. It’s fast becoming London’s cultural epicentre – get in there quick before the hipster hordes get wind of its cheaper rent.

Why Brixton Village?

Santa jar Keep cookies and crackers fresh tigerstores.co.uk

50

£8.

Egg cups with woolly hats To keep your breakfast cosy omlet.co.uk

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The formerly shabby and sad-looking Granville Arcade – also known as Brixton Village market – has been transformed into a bustling day and evening shopping precinct with more than 20 shops, cafes and restaurants. Plus there are heaps of buskers and arty performers at all times of the day.

Nearby in Brixton proper, dozens of venues host experimental acts and are at the forefront of London’s music scene.

Venues include the 02 Brixton Academy (o2academybrixton.co.uk), Electric Brixton (electricbrixton.com) and the warehousestyle Plan B (planb-london.com). “The live music scene here is massive,” says lettings manager Sunny Feridun, of haart estate agents in Brixton. “This makes it a lively place to live. Brixton really offers every music niche, including indie in Brixton Village.”

Who lives there?

Brixton Village is as diverse as it gets,

Not-so-shabby: Brixton’s now among London’s most up-and-coming areas with young professionals from a range of backgrounds and a vibrant Caribbean community. “The last two years has seen lots of newcomers and evolution in the general persona of the landscape,” Feridun says.

“We’re seeing that Brixton’s label of a being a ‘dodgy area’, with crime and whatnot is really slipping away. It’s on the upswing.”

The connections At the end of the Victoria line, on the border of zones two and three, Brixton is a mere 10-minute commute into central London. Bus links are also choice. Night buses to this neck of the woods are particularly good, meaning there’s scope for raving ‘til the wee hours away from home, too. The N55 comes from Tottenham Court Road and the 159 gets you home from Paddington.

O2 Brixton Academy Don’t move here if ...

You are looking for peace and quiet or you’re uninspired by creativity. “If you’re looking for that quiet suburb with slow foot traffic and a peaceful atmosphere, shy

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MY AREA KENSEY GREEN CINEMA USHER 24

“Take a stroll through Brixton Village, walk through the market and see all the restaurants and cafes. There’s so much quirky, independent stuff.”

SAM FRANKEL WRITER 22

away from Brixton,” Feridun explains. “Its congestion breeds a lot of creativity and culture, this is a high selling point for a lot of people. The edginess of the environment gives it a particular feel.”

Where to hang out Of course it has to be Brixton Village (Atlantic Rd, SW9), which has the most exciting dining vista in the city right now.

Fill up on excellent grub in original settings (read: interiors are not filled with generic, chainy IKEA tat). Try posh Beijing street food at Mama Lan (mamalan.co.uk),

or head to Ritzy (picturehouses.co.uk), a cinema, bar, music venue and cafe rolled into one. It offers a veranda overlooking the centre of town and is a great place to sit and ponder your next creative endeavor.

Further afield, Satay Bar (sataybar.co.uk) serves up delicious, reasonably priced Malaysian and Thai dishes. They also do NEXT WEEK killer happy hour cocktails. Try the Trendy hotspots: Reggae Royale London’s most stylish addresses with Champagne and rum. Yum.

“I recommend the Crown and Anchor for drinks in Brixton. It’s a new pub with over 40 different draft beers. During the day, visit the trendy Brixton Village.”

DORIAN NEEDS

MUSICIAN 30

“It’s very multi-cultural here, and culture is promoted. People want to come out and do new things. The music scene is the single greatest thing about the area.”

SW9 INFO BOROUGH

Lambeth COUNCIL TAX

Band B: £958.22 TRAVEL TIME TO LONDON

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10 mins 1-bedroom flat £275pw

2-bedroom flat £380pw

3 bedroom-flat £496pw

Set in Tulse House, just off Tulse Hill, this well-presented flat is located at the entrance of Brockwell Park.

Ideal for those looking for greenery within busy city life.

This property on Hayter Road has a welcoming entry hallway, a large front reception room and a modern kitchen with dining space. It also has access to a decked garden.

On the leafy Athlone Rpad, this 1930’s mid-terraced house is light and spacious throughout. It’s also meticulously designed and refurbished for minimum hassle.

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TUBE

Brixton (Victoria line) AVERAGE ROOM IN A HOUSE SHARE

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£1200pcm

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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WORLDVIEW

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Testicles? Nadzeya Ostapchuck

AIRLINE FAILS TO SEE HARM IN BALLS JOKE NEW ZEALAND “What large heavy ball was responsible for Valerie Adams’ gold medal? The Belarusian’s left testicle.”

That’s the joke – in a Christmas Air New Zealand ad campaign – that’s caused outrage. Critics said it implies disgraced shot putter Nadzeya Ostapchuk (who tested positive for anabolic steroids) has testicles. However, the airline refused to apologise, with others calling the criticism “political correctness gone mad”.

Adams was awarded Olympic silver until Ostapchuk was stripped of her gold medal after testing positive for drugs. Air NZ said it had received no complaints.

TWEETS OF THE WEEK @stuheritage To help the taxpayer, let’s farm the baby out to the private sector. PriceWaterhouseCoopers Windsor has a nice ring to it @DMReporter Autumn statement: Every citizen earning under £26,000 ‘to write essay justifying their drain in the state’

GANGNAM STYLE LIGHTS AXED AUSTRALIA A Gangnam Style Christmas lights display in a street in Perth has been cancelled after proving too popular.

Kim Illman has had to switch off the event, which uses 1000 bulbs and took 200 hours to set up, as too many people turned up, clogging up the street to the displeasure of local residents.

“Experience shows that those numbers build exponentially as we get closer to Christmas,” Illman said of the 44

Jealous much? Crowds flocked to Bondi Beach last week as temperatures soared into the high 30˚Cs in Sydney – just as it snowed in the UK. Happy days!

overwhelming popularity his display enjoyed, briefly.

“The prospect of such large numbers in a very small street over a number of weeks is simply unmanageable. There is also a very real safety risk.”

He promises to be back next year though in a new location where there is plenty of room for parking.

IT’S MUTTS! DOGS LEARN HOW TO DRIVE NEW ZEALAND Believe it or not, experts are teaching rescued dogs how to drive cars.

If early reports are to be believed, three pooches took just two months to master the basics of the road in purpose-made simulators (wooden carts).

Since then, the mutts have graduated to a modified Mini Cooper, where they actually sit in the drivers seat on their hind legs and use their front paws to steer.

Their paws go to extension levers which are attached to the accelerator and brakes so they can control the speed and direction of the vehicle, while they can also shift the gear stick with their other paw.

All of the driving dogs have been saved by anti-cruelty group SPCA. Auckland chief executive Christine Kalin said: “This really shows with the right environment just how much potential all dogs from the SPCA have as family pets.”

Barking!

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 64

Number of snowmen collected by Diana Howes, of Norfolk, over 25 years. Bet that makes for a frosty reception…

‘There’s a rat in my kitchen, what am I gonna do?’ Kill it

RAT KILLED DURING HEALTH INSPECTION UNITED KINGDOM A Tooting curry house has been fined £20,000 after the restaurant owner killed a rat in front of health inspectors during an inspection.

New Chutney Express’s Rajakumar Rajalingram was being told his premises did not meet hygiene standards as rodent droppings could be seen on food preparation areas, when a rat appeared.

Rajalingram then killed the rat in front of health inspectors as they carried out an assessment of his take away shop.

“This was a shocking catalogue of hygiene and food safety breaches,” council spokesman on consumer protection Cllr Jonathan Cook said.

ENTICE YOUR MAN WITH EAU DE PIZZA

Photos: Getty; AAP; Thinkstock

CANADA

Does your fella love the smell of freshly baked pizza? Then this new scent is for you.

An unexpected response by pizza lovers in Canada has promoted Pizza Hut to release 100 bottles of pizza perfume.

The fast-food retailer joked last August on its Facebook page about bottling the smell of pizza – and after 1000 people said they liked the idea, they did.

Marketing agency Grip worked with Pizza Hut to design the limited-edition perfume, which smells of dough and seasoning. Pizza Hut’s marketing director warns the public the perfume shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

Amount, in millions of pounds, a Lottery winner failed to collect, meaning it was donated to good causes last week

300

Straight-faced: Gillard in the YouTube clip “All we are trying to do is have some fun with our consumers,” marketing director Beverly DaCruz said.

END OF THE WORLD IS COMING – GILLARD

1000

The metres Norwegian Eiliv Ruud fell to his death after his parachute failed to open during BASE jump near the Grand Canyon

Amount, in US dollars, a Virginia woman is being sued for by a contractor who she wrote a bad review about on Yelp

750,000

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

AUSTRALIA The world is coming to an end, so says Prime Minister Julia Gillard.

She has confirmed the doomsayers are right and the apocalypse will hit this month. “My dear remaining fellow Australians,” Gillard says in a YouTube clip – a spoof ad for government-funded radio station Triple J’s breakfast show. “The end of the world is coming. It wasn’t Y2K, it wasn’t even the carbon price. It turns out the Mayan calendar was true.”

Gillard says while scientists at the CSIRO can’t confirm the news, she is confident Triple J’s prediction is correct.

“Whether the final blow comes from flesh-eating zombies ... or from the total triumph of K-pop ... I will always fight for you to the very end,” she says. “And at least this means I won’t have to do Q&A again. Good luck to you all.”

Sometimes I forget I’m 44 and I think ‘I must get those hotpants out’.

And then some mornings I look in the mirror and I see 94 not 44. That is the reality before the make-up Kylie Minogue reflects on getting older

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Dark day for radio As nurse dies in suspected suicide after 2Day FM’s prank call to hospital, we look at the station’s controversial history WORDS CAROL DRIVER It was deemed “the biggest royal prank ever” when two 2Day FM radio presenters duped a nurse into revealing details about pregnant Kate Middleton, admitted to hospital for morning sickness. But the laughter – and worldwide condemnation – soon turned into something darker, after it was confirmed Jacintha Saldanha, the receptionist at London’s private King Edward VII Hospital, who transferred the call from Melanie Greig and Michael Christian to the duty nurse, died in a suspected suicide on Friday. The mother-of-two’s body was found near the hospital.

The so-called prank was widely criticised when it was aired at 5.30am on Wednesday, with media around the globe outraged such tactics had been used to trick staff into revealing private information about a patient in their care.

Australian Hot30 show hosts Greig and Christian adopted fake British accents while pretending to be the Queen and Prince Charles. After coming under fire when the audio went viral, the station at first showed remorse and apologised.

“We were very surprised our call was put through. We thought we’d be hung up on as soon as they heard our terrible accents,” they said. “We’re very sorry if we’ve caused any issues and we’re glad to hear that Kate is doing well.”

However, a day later, they changed their stance, calling it the “biggest royal prank ever”, shouting “Aussie! Aussie!

Aussie!” on air.

“With some of the worst English accents in the history of radio, the Summer Hot30’s MC and Mel managed to convince the staff ... they were the Queen and Prince Charles,” it boasted. “To MC and Mel’s absolute shock they were put straight through to a nurse on Kate’s ward.”

The call was connected to a nurse treating Kate who gave an update on her condition, including that she had not experienced any recent “retching”. In the background of the call, another member of the show can be heard barking in an attempt to impersonate one of the Queen’s corgis.

46

After the news of Saldanha’s death broke on Friday, Dr Peter Carter, chief executive and general secretary of the Royal College of Nursing, told the Daily Mail: “It is deeply saddening that a simple human error due to a cruel hoax could lead to the death of a dedicated and caring member of the nursing profession.”

TNT readers also expressed their outrage. On our Facebook page, Anita Russ wrote: “What a tragedy. I hope it will make some of these pranksters ... think twice. Very sad – all because she answered the phone at 5am.” And Melanie King said: “So sad, RIP Jacintha Saldanha. A wife and mother.” While Hannah Membrey said: “Can’t help but think how interesting it is that people are already jumping to conclusions that it’s the radio station’s fault over the death ... I guess people just need someone to blame really.” On tntmagazine.com, John B said: “How do they feel now that this person that took their call killed herself due to all the pressure she was [under] because of their stupidity?”

It’s not the first time the reputation of Southern Cross Austereo-owned 2Day FM has been called to account.

It’s already serving two five-year licence probations after serious breaches of the Australian regulator Australian Communications And Media Authority’s (ACMA) code.

The first came in 2009 after a 14-year-old was pushed into taking a lie-detector test live on the Kyle & Jackie O Show, which resulted in her admitting she’d been raped.

The teenager and her mother took part in ‘Lie Detector’ on the breakfast show, hosted by Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O’Neil Henderson. The mother asked the girl: “Have you ever had sex?” She replied: “I’ve already told you the story about this ... and don’t look at me and smile because it’s not funny.” The girl then raised her voice and said: “Oh OK, I got raped when I was 12 years old.”

Sandilands then asked “Right ... is that the only experience you’ve had?” before the mother admitted she

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Photos: Getty; AAP

Clockwise from left: Hospital chief exe John Lofthouse making a statement to the press on Friday; the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge leaving the hospital; a policeman guarding outside the King Edward VII; Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O’Neil Henderson

knew of the rape “a couple of months ago”. Her daughter shouts: “Yet you still asked me the question.”

ACMA chairman Chris Chapman said at the time: “Even in these more liberal times, quizzing an underaged child about her sexual history, for mere entertainment offends community standards.”

In November last year, Sandilands again provoked uproar, breaching decency codes after calling a woman journalist a “fat slag” and telling her he would “hunt her down” after she reported on the negative reaction to his TV show the night before. He was reported as saying: “What a fat bitter thing you are, you’re deputy editor of an online thing.

You’ve got a nothing job anyway. You’re a piece of shit.

You’re a bullshit artist, girl. That’s what you are. You should be fired from your job.”

Watchdog ACMA again ruled against the station after a two-month investigation. Chapman said Sandilands’ comments were “deeply derogatory and offensive” and handed the station a penalty – another five-year condition preventing it from broadcasting indecent content that demeans women or girls. If breached, it could result in suspension or cancellation of Austereo’s licence, prosecution, or heavy fines.

Last week’s prank call will no doubt also be investigated by the ACMA. It is believed the audio, which was still being aired on the radio station as news of Saldanha’s death broke at 3.30am AEDST, was vetted by lawyers before being broadcast. When the call first aired, a spokesman for the ACMA admitted it had received complaints.

However, as TNT went to press on Friday night, amid calls on Twitter for the presenters to be sacked, the radio station – given the time difference – was yet to make a statement. The world was waiting for Australia to wake up, to find out whether the 2Day FM programme would live to see tomorrow.

GREIG AND CHRISTIAN WHO ARE THE PRESENTERS? Melanie Greig started working at 2Day FM about two years ago and has more than five years’ experience in radio. She became famous after a stint on a TV show called The Amazing Race. Before that, she ran her own radio school from her Adelaide home.

The 30-year-old is said to be a “bundle of laughs” who enjoys being mischievous, according to the Daily Mail.

When she joined the HOT30 show, she said: “My biggest dream has been wanting to lick chocolate syrup off Usher’s abs and I think this will be my best chance yet to get amongst his sexiness.”

Michael Christian, who is know as ‘MC’, only joined the show this week. He started his career in a small community station in Gilgandra before completing a radio course.

Following a backlash, both the presenters have now closed their Twitter accounts.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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7/12/12 20:18:18

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SPORTNEWS

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Fan fave: Wiggins

WIGGO IN LINE FOR ANOTHER HONOUR VARIOUS Bradley Wiggins won everything else this year – Tour de France and an Olympic gold medal days later – he might as well take home the BBC Sports Personality Of The Year award.

The cyclist is a short odds favourite (£1.40, 2/5) to take the prize in front of 15,000 people at ExCel London on Sunday, Dec 16, shown on BBC One from 7.30pm, after a huge year for Great British athletes.

Also in the running for the fan-voted gong among 12 nominees are Olympic athletics gold medallists Mo Farah (£6, 5) and Jessica Ennis (£7.5, 13/2), and Andy Murray (£17, 16), who won the US Open and the Olympic tournament.

QUADE WANTS TO BE A WALLABY AFTER ALL RUGBY The saga that is Quade Cooper keeps throwing up curve balls – now after all of that kerfuffle he will be a Wallaby.

Having been reported to dump Australian rugby after being offered an incentive-only contract and copping a record fine for calling the national team environment “toxic”, then announcing plans to box professionally, he was offered a massive two-year deal with French rugby.

But now he’ll stay with the Queensland Reds and in all likelihood the Wallabies.

Qld rugby CEO Jim Carmichael told The Australian: “It wasn’t until after Quade had reached an agreement in principle to continue in Australia that I was made aware of the French offer. It would have made him one of the highest-paid rugby players in the world.”

He’ll still be allowed to honour his Feb 8 bout on a Sonny Bill Williams undercard.

50

An Argentinean kabaddi player is in a compromising position against his US opponent at the 3rd Pearls World Cup Kabaddi Punjab in Amritsar, India, last week. In kabaddi, teams make ‘raids’ into their opposing team’s territory to ‘tag’ opponents. They yell ‘kabaddi’ a lot. It’s a bit like wrestling meets Bull Rush. YouTubing it is highly advised

‘BAD ATTTITUDE’ BERNIE WILL BE ‘BEST’

BIG WEEK FOR ...

TENNIS

Some of cricket’s greats were dropped and came back to make a massive mark on the game – the greatest ever opening pair Justin Langer and Matt Hayden, Ricky Ponting and more. Phillip Hughes, 24, has already been dumped twice, but replaces retired Punter for the Aussies in this week’s first of three Tests against Sri Lanka.

His Test average of 34.58 is ordinary, but since moving from NSW to South Australia he’s been going great guns, and given selectors no choice but to pick him for Thursday’s match in Hobart.

Dumped from Australia’s next Davis Cup tie reportedly due a “bad attitude”, world number 52 Bernard Tomic still thinks he has the makings of a champ.

“I’m going to prove that I’ll go on to become the best Australian player to play this game,” he said after being left out of the Aussie side to play Taiwan.

Tomic’s attitude even irked world number nine woman Sam Stosur.

“What are you doing? Are you wanting to play tennis?” Stosur said, adding it would be a shame if his talent was wasted.

Tomic called that “good advice”.

Tennis Australia’s Craig Tiley said they demoted Tomic to provide “motivation”.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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QUOTES OF THE WEEK [Denton Vassell and Ronnie Heffron] are booking family holidays this Christmas because of Freddie’s presence on the bill Who? They were the apparent main event when Andrew “Freddie” Flintoff made his boxing debut – pundit Steve Bunce wasn’t among those to criticise it

Well suited: Pearson and Sotiropoulos

PREVIEW The Smashes coaches head-to-head SOTIROPOULOS V PEARSON

SATURDAY, 2AM, ESPN The Ultimate Fighter: The Smashes wraps up on Friday night (Saturday morning) with the customary headline bout between coaches – Melbourne hardman George Sotiropoulos and Team GB’s Ross Pearson.

The final of UFC’s version of The Ashes will come live from the Gold Coast Convention and Exhibition Centre in Queensland and feature three hours of action, including four final match-ups to

decide the best team of the series, before the coaches beat each other’s heads in.

The teams have been riddled with injuries, impacting how they line up on the card, but anyone who’s watched these series knows there is plenty of bad blood to make any of the contests absorbing.

Then, if your bloodlust hasn’t been quenched, the 16th series final for the original US edition of The Ultimate Fighter, which Aussie George got his break on, will air Saturday night (from 12am). The action comes live from Las Vegas with coaches Shane Carwin and Roy Nelson top-billed.

THE CHAT | Warney for The Ashes

Photos: Getty

Q

As David Gower said, every day is like Christmas Day for Alastair Cook at the moment Ian Botham on England’s on-fire cricket captain Cook, who turns 28 on Xmas Day

Hopefully I can win many more things – the Premier League … the Capital One Cup and the Community Shield Chelsea’s Fernando Torres ahead of this week’s Club World Cup comp in Japan

TV HIGHLIGHTS CRICKET Australia v Sri Lanka

Shane Warne making a comeback at 43 to play for Australia in next year’s Ashes series?

could, but won’t. Anyone into cricket got a bit excited A He last week when headlines had Warney lining up against England for 10 Tests. But even if, as he said, best mate Michael Clarke gave him a call and said, “I need ya mate”, there’s no chance. Mr Liz Hurley later clarified his comments, which included him saying his form is as good as ever and could easily match it on the international stage. No one doubts it, but the Spin King was just creating a headline to plug the Aussie T20 Big Bash tournament, in which he gets paid $500k to roll his arm over for the Melbourne Stars and earns every cent for the publicity he attracts alone. He really is the King of Spin.

First in a three-Test series from Hobart Thurs, 11.30pm, Sky Sports

RUGBY UNION Saracens v Munster Heineken Cup action live in London Sun, 2.45pm, Sky Sports 2

FOOTBALL West Bromwich v West Ham Spin king: Shane Warne

Two of the year’s top EPL overachievers Sun, 4pm, Sky Sports 1 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Lucky Lewis Adrian ‘Jackpot’ Lewis is throwing for a third world title in a row this week WORDS MICHAEL GADD

When it comes to the catchy nicknames which decorate pro darts, they don’t come much cooler than ‘Jackpot’, the title bestowed upon two-time world champion Adrian Lewis.

Weirdly, he got the name for not winning something, a US$72,000 fruit machine payout at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas that he was too young to collect, but since then he’s been picking up cheques and titles like they’re litter.

At 27, Lewis is a relative pup among the old dogs of darts and hot on the heels of his mentor and fellow Stoke-OnTrent export Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor, 52, the most dominant darts player of all time with 15 world titles.

‘Jackpot’ is currently number two behind Taylor in the PDC (Professional Darts Corporation) Order of Merit, but when the World Darts Championships start at Alexandra Palace, London, on December 14, the young bloke will be going for his third consecutive world title.

In the previous two tournaments, for which the final is held on New Year’s Day, he beat Gary Anderson and Andy Hamilton for what is now known as the Sid Waddell Trophy, in honour of the iconic commentator who died this year.

After last year, he boldly set a target of 10 titles, a boast he’s happy to back up: “I reckon between now and the end of my career I could win between eight and 10,” Lewis tells TNT. “That’d be good, you know. That’d put me as second best of all time behind Phil. I’d rather be the best, but I don’t think anyone can emulate what he’s done.”

Having a mentor as a rival has become second nature for Lewis, who now uses the mental strength Taylor helped him instill in his game against the veteran.

“He’s been fantastic for me,” Lewis says. “Teaching me how to get my mind right. Teaching me about finishing, and working out the ‘out shots’, but he’s another opponent when it comes to that.”

Preparation is important in darts, which relies on fine motor skills and leaves no margin for error at the top level.

52

Lewis will have the added distraction, or inspiration, after his wife Sarah gave birth to a little boy, Matthew, last week.

“It’d be great to win a third one for him,” Lewis beams.

For those who see darts as throwing a spike at a red, white and black circle, it’s hard to comprehend the ability of these guys. Lewis says it’s like any other sport.

“You need a natural ability for the game in the first place and you’ve got to work at that, you know,” he says. “Then you’ve got to find your weaknesses and work on those, like if you’re missing double openers or having trouble finishing

“

You’ve got to have a lot of bottle and work on it

”

off, you’ve got to practice and work at it like everything.

He says the most important ingredient a top player needs is “bottle”, the slang term which in this case means an ability to stump up under pressure and at key moments.

“You’ve got to have a lot bottle,” he says. “You’ve got to be focussed and have belief in yourself. And you’ve got to work at that too. It’s important ’cause to win games you’ve got to show bottle to finish a game off.”

No one showed more ‘bottle’ than Lewis in last year’s titles at Ally Pally. He pulled off what is considered one of the greatest ever comebacks when he won after being 5-1 down in the semi-final against James ‘The Machine’ Wade, an opponent he’d previously lost heavily to.

“When you’re in that situation you’re thinking, ‘Ah, come on then, it’s not game over, I’m not going to lose my title.’

You’ve just got to focus, hopefully he’ll let you in a couple of times and then you take your chances.”

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Photos: Getty; Lawrence Lustig/PDC

Clockwise: Lewis’s victory clench; his lucky darts and dice; with Phil Taylor and the coveted Sid Waddell Trophy

Lewis only started playing darts at 17, made his TV debut as an inconsistent 19-year-old and turned pro at 21. He came to the sport two decades after pints were consumed on stage by the athletes – it’s just water now and the competitors are regularly drug tested – but the crowds are no less immense.

“On TV it doesn’t seem anywhere near as loud as it is in the venue, nothing compared to being there,” he insists.

There’s no “quiet please” from the umpire here. “I’d rather it be a bit more rowdy than quiet. If someone shouts out louder than the other three or four thousand in the venue, then that can put you off, but it’s all part of it.”

Handling that pressure, as well as the head to head nature of competition, is all part of what pays the bills for the pros.

There is a £1million prize pool on offer at the championships.

“We make a good living, we do,” Lewis says. “It’s not about the money even, at the end of the day we play darts, we love it and we get paid for it – can’t ask for more than that.”

As a kid in Stoke, Lewis never conceived of seeing the world. “I love it, but it didn’t even cross my mind,” he says.

“I don’t know how I would have ever thought about it growing up. Obviously now I’ve seen a lot of the world and I consider myself very lucky.”

His favourite place probably isn’t a shock: “I love Vegas, visiting and playing there.”

And he has no hard feelings against those fruit machines either, now he’s more than old enough to play them, and he’s been paid back in part.

“A couple of years ago I was in there with me wife (then his girlfriend), and she won US$24,000 on a fruit machine,” he laughs. “And it paid for the wedding.”

Seriously, can this bloke stop losing?

Ladbrokes PDC World Darts Championships run from December 14 to January 1 at Alexandra Palace, broadcast on Sky Sports HD. Tix Alexandra Palace from £20 N22 7AY pdc.tv Wood Green

Shane ‘TNT’ Tichowitsch

BULLSEYES ON THE PRIZE THE WHIZ AND TNT FOR OZ Simon ‘The Wizard of Oz’ Whitlock has been carrying the Aussie flag in professional darts for years, striding into arenas to the signature Down Under by Men At Work, but we’ve got a good feeling about one of his countrymates, Shane Tichowitsch, known as “TNT”.

The darts dynamite, 45, from Bundaberg, Queensland, is a massive long-shot at the World Darts Championship, starting Friday. He earned his spot after finishing top of the DartPlayers Australia Order of Merit, and faces English world number 12 Dave Chisnall in round one.

Whitlock is reigning European champion and was world champs runner-up in 2010. Defending champion Adrian Lewis says he’s one to watch out for in the tournament: “He’s one of the best finishers in the game.”

Seeded fifth, Whitlock will play the winner of a preliminary round match-up between Japan’s Haruki Muramatsu or New Zealand champion Dave Harrington.

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: MICHAEL GADD michael.gadd@tntmagazine.com

‘Um, what code is this agan?’

Folau’s code-hopping is a blue day for rugby league An AFL flop and too expensive for league, Israel’s a Waratah now

» Agree or disagree? Is Folau a money-chasing turncoat or genius? letters@tntmagazine.com 54

The third match against South Africa was the real Test for Australia, the one which didn’t gloss over the immense frailties of a team relying far too heavily on veterans and skipper Michael Clarke.

Pup’s double-tonnes put Australia in a position where they couldn’t lose the first Test in Brisbane and then in a position to win in Adelaide against the world number ones, but his bowlers, despite Herculean efforts, couldn’t do the job in what should have been ample time. When Clarke didn’t deliver in Perth, the rest of the line-up collapsed and the Aussies were pumped.

“

Results are relying on captain’s form

”

England’s Alastair Cook finds himself in a similar situation, with his immense form consistent with excellent team results. But they’re in a better place than the Aussies ahead of the Ashes. Australia can’t always rely on Pup, who will likely be exposed higher up the order in lieu of better options.

The Ashes 2013, call it Clarke v Cook.

Photos: Getty

When Israel Folau inevitably crawls back to the National Rugby League next year after moonlighting as a rugby union player following a failed attempt at becoming an AFL star, they should tell him to shove it.

The NRL bent over backwards to look after the mercenary, with Parramatta Eels’ coach Ricky Stuart helping him get out of his AFL contract. Sure, his AFL deal was worth an annual AUS$1.5m for two more years, but Folau wasn’t cut out for the code. His physical presence is undoubted, although Aussie Rules’ speed and stamina needs saw him slim down below rugby needs. But two more years of embarrassing himself with the GWS Giants as a crap player on a crap team, would have decreased his stocks. He surely knew that.

At 23, Folau’s best days are ahead. By that I mean best money-making days. No club could fit Folau’s salary cap auditor-designated $400k into their roster at late notice, and when that was reduced it to a paltry $250k, it was too late. He quit AFL on Nov 1 and wanted a deal sorted straight away – he told Parra he wouldn’t be an Eel on Nov 31 after he and management explored other options, one of which was rugby union and the Waratahs. The former Melbourne Storm and Brisbane Broncos centre/winger liked the cut of Tahs coach Michael Cheika’s jib, and the quickly constructed $350k for one year offer for a game he hasn’t played since school. And after that, the guy had the audacity to say his first priority was rugby league and that a return is “still on the cards”. “If I do enjoy [rugby union] it might be play on,” he said. If and might? He’s deadset taking the piss.

Maybe he’ll be great at rugby, and good on the Waratahs, but would the ARU be willing to risk putting the effort into another NRL player who will leave anyway (see Rogers, Sailor, Tuquiri)? When he goes back, the NRL owe him nothing. I feel sorry for Laurie Daley though – Folau’s a product of Minto, NSW, but inexplicably played Origin for Queensland, so him lining up for the Tahs will be the only time to see him in blue.

ASHES SKIPPERS CARRYING LOAD

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TRAVELDIARY Helen Elfer TRAVEL EDITOR

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Call that a fire? See an entire volcano ablaze in Nara, Japan

CHEEKY CHECK-INS Some totally brilliant statistics landed in my inbox this week. Apparently a quarter of you book hotel rooms for the sole purpose of getting it on. Think that sounds romantic? Hell no, this isn’t a treat-your-loved-one, special occasion scenario – half of that number booked the rooms for someone they first met earlier on that night.

Ever booked a hotel room before knowing who you’d share it with? Write in and tell us at helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

YAMAYAKI Japan Bonfires? Pah, those are for wimps. If you want to see a real blaze, head for Nara in the Japanese region of Kansai, where every year they 26 set an entire volcano alight. A torch is lit with sacred fire at the nearby Kasuga Taisha shrine, before monks carry it in a solemn procession to the foot of Mt Wakakusa-yama, and set it ablaze.

JAN

WHY: The event commemorates the story of a centuries-old boundaries dispute between the monks of two of Nara’s Buddhist temples – Todai-ji and Kofuku-ji, which escalated to such intensity that the 342m Mt Wakakusayama ended up being torched. So much for peace and harmony.

JUNKANOO Bahamas

Head to Nassau to see this fancy dress parade, which is 1 accompanied by drums and whistles. The tradition dates back to the early 1700s in Ghana, when it was suppressed by colonial rulers before the festivities spread further afield.

JAN

bahamasgateway.com/junkanoo.htm

NOCHE DE RÁBANOS

jnto.go.jp

CIRCUS FESTIVAL Belgium

Jugglers? Check. Trapeze artists? Check. Gravity 6 defying acrobatics? You better believe it. The European Circus festival is on in Liege from now until the first week of the new year.

JAN

charlzz.com/en

KITE FESTIVAL India

Mexico

Thousands of brightly painted homemade kites 14 will fill the skies of Ahmedabad for the International Kite Festival. All sounds very good-natured?

Not a bit of it. Everyone uses spools of ‘manja’, string coated with glue and glass for cutting the strings of rivals. In other words, this is all-out kite warfare.

JAN

Night of the radishes might sound like a very feeble 23 horror movie, but actually celebrates the Oaxaca grocers’ 16thcentury tradition of intricately carving veggies to advertise their wares. These days the carvers of the best sculpted radishes are awarded cash prizes.

DEC

oaxaca-travel.com

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DO IT BECAUSE: This is about as dramatic a fire fest as you’ll ever set eyes on – a trumpet sounds, there’s a half-hour blaze as the grass quickly catches alight and, as it dies down, there’s a dazzling fireworks display. It’ll be around 8˚C so wrap up warm.

festivalsofindia.com

Photos: NNE via Wikicommons

Just picture the scene: smashed couples around the world stumbling out of boozers and into hotel lobbies together, loudly claiming to be Mishter and Missush Shmith – partly in case they get sprung, but mostly because they have absolutely no idea what the other person’s name is anyway. Rock ‘n’ roll.

But just as you’re wondering if romance is completely dead, here’s the final nail in the coffin. Just over one-tenth of those surveyed admitted to having booked the hotel room, wait for it, before even knowing who they would take there! In other words, they were so confident in their skills of seduction – and who could resist a line like, ’Hey sugar, I pre-booked a room on the off-chance I’d get laid tonight, how about it?’ – they were actually willing to stake a hotel deposit on it. Seriously, who are you people?!

If you’re one of them, you’ll find this piece of information useful: hot.co.uk, which carried out the survey, is a brand new app that lets you book hotel rooms at the very last second for exactly this purpose (the name is a bit of a giveaway).

Using it, you can grab deals on rooms as late as 3am for check-in the same night. Just don’t forget to let room service know how you like your eggs in the morning.

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GOAL FOR CRUISES If you’re one of those people that gets antsy whenever you can’t find out the football scores, you’ll be relieved to hear the English Premier League has now sold the rights to screen live games on cruise ships and planes. The deal with IMG Worldwise means the Sport 24 channel will now show matches on specially equipped Lufthansa and Gulf Air planes and Norwegian Cruise Liners. More airlines are expected to soon follow suit. EPL chief executive Richard Scudamore said: “We look forward to working with them as they distribute the Barclays Premier League in a way that allows our fans to enjoy the competition while travelling overseas.”

Photos: Thinkstock

SHOOT ’EM UP Ever wanted to shoot Simon Cowell? Well now you can, in Machine Guns Vegas, the world’s first luxury gun lounge, which opened earlier this year. You can pump a target that looks like the X Factor mogul with AK47s, M60s and other high-powered weaponry. Cowell will be part of a line-up that includes Osama bin Laden, Colonel Gaddafi and a bunch of zombies because, as a Machine Guns Vegas spokesperson said: “Simon Cowell has committed heinous crimes against humanity and single-handedly demolished real musical talent.” Harsh.

SNAKES ON A PLANE In a frankly terrifying case of life imitating art, a man was bitten by a cobra on board a flight in Egypt, just like in the Samuel L Jackson movie Snakes On A Plane. On the plane headed from Cairo to Kuwait, the victim was bitten by a cobra.

But rather than being an unfortunate victim struck down by an outbreak of muthafuckin’ snakes on a muthafuckin’ plane, he was partly responsible – he had smuggled the snake on board himself. The flight was forced to perform an emergency landing where the man was taken away for treatment and the snake captured.

POLITE POLICE No, not friendly coppers, these ‘polite police’, as they’ve been dubbed, are a new arm of the law in France who have been deployed for the purpose of stamping out bad manners. France’s state-owned railway operator is to send almost 3000 inspectors on to the nation’s trains and has given them the power to fine offenders.

Apparently the number of complaints about rude passengers has rocketed by 25 per cent this year, including customers spitting on ticket inspectors, putting their feet on seats and pulling emergency alarms without reason.

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Jura’s rugged landscape

EAT, SLEEP, DRINK

Isle of Jura

SCOTLAND

SCOTLAND

Jura GLASGOW

GETTING THERE British Airways flies from London Gatwick to Glasgow for £45 return. Flybe flies from Glasgow to Islay twice daily from £41 one way. From here take the ferry to Jura for £1.35 ba.com; islayinfo.com; flybe.com

For rustic food head to the Jura Hotel where you can watch deer amble past the window while eating one in a pie. Locally caught venison is a speciality.

Mains start from £9. Picnics can be ordered for £6.50 which includes a generous slice of homemade cake. jurahotel.co.uk From March to October, The Antlers Bistro (Craighouse, 01496 820496) offers meals from 10am – handy before a heavy day of hillwalking. Take your own wine along in the evening and pay a very reasonable £3 a-bottle corkage.

The Jura Hotel is also home to the island’s only pub. But don’t panic, it’s a good one. Beers are pretty standard, but the range of whiskies is exhaustive and the company welcoming and lively. Find out about island life with a gossip at the bar. Pints from about £2.50. jurahotel.co.uk For B&B accommodation try the Sealladh Na Mara Croft House. Stay here for mountain views and beachside seclusion. Rooms from £37 per person per night. isleofjura.net

Clockwise: Strait sailing; whisky barrels; walkie-talkie service; and Jura’s finest 60

Unsurprisingly, Jura Hotel is the island’s only hotel, and is crawling distance from the distillery. From April to November, it also offers camping. Rooms start at £40 per night. jurahotel.co.uk

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UKTRIP

Whisky in the Jura Test your mettle with a trip to one of the world’s biggest whirpools – a few wee drams will help

Photos: Thinkstock, Claire Dodd.

WORDS CLAIRE DODD

“The bigger the wave, the bigger the dram,” says our skipper, Nicol, dispensing socking great measures of whisky to those of us huddled on the rear deck of his tiny boat.

Adrenaline is coursing through my body, but so far my newly acquired sea legs are holding out, no small thanks to the warm smack of the liquor. I’m on a terrifyingly choppy ride through the waters off the Hebridean Isle of Jura, heading straight for the Corryvreckan, the third biggest natural whirlpool in the world; this 50-minute journey is a race against time to see the swirl at its most dramatic.

Without warning, the deck repositions itself several meters under my feet, and I can suddenly feel the circular pull of the whirlpool tugging the boat. The outer reaches suck us in and rolling waves rise on all sides, climbing four metres high, so all I can see are walls of water. Nicol’s skill as a skipper is to keep us ahead of the crest of each wave, but the engine of the little boat is having to fight hard to manage it. I’m hopelessly disoriented and as the boat rises and plunges, the only way to gauge just how far from upright I am, as I grip the bars of the rear deck, is to watch the horizon and surrounding mountains disappear behind the waves. Surely that’s not supposed to happen.

Nicol stashes the bottle expertly down the back of a seat and swiftly takes the wheel, steering us to calmer waters.

And it strikes me that rather than being scared, I’ve got that post-rollercoaster wobbly euphoria – as well as brimming with pride at not having spilled a drop of my whisky.

“You’ve lived life on the edge today,” Nicol says as we head back towards the jetty. “Another dram?” Count me in.

It may be one of the most remote corners of the British Isles, but you could never accuse Jura of being boring. For its 142sq miles, the island boasts just 200 residents, one hotel, one pub, one road, a distillery and 4500 deer. Perhaps because of its isolation, or perhaps because of its wild scenery where mountains and lochs pockmark the map, Jura seems to attract eccentric souls. George Orwell wrote 1984 here while critically ill with tuberculosis, and Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty from acid house band KLF burned £1m in banknotes on the island.

Its seclusion, depending on your emotional state, lends Jura either a sense of startling loneliness or complete freedom. Mobile phones generally don’t work and you’ve

had too much whisky if you think you’ll ever pick up 3G. This is wild terrain, a patchwork of craggy rock faces, purple heathers, golden grasses and white sand beaches, surrounded by stormy seas which are home to dolphins, seals and basking sharks, too. It was this very wildness that attracted our tour guide Alex, the Glaswegian owner of Jura Island Tours, along with the fantastic myths and legends that are such a big part of the island’s character. Alex keeps us entertained with all sorts of tales as we cross the island.

There are stories of bonkers landed gentry, such as Lady Nancy Astor, Britain’s first female MP, who used to hit golf balls from the roof of her study into the sea. Then there’s Jura’s ghost car, which shines its phantom headlights on deserted roads before disappearing. And of course, there’s a buried gold legend. “See that rock?” says Alex. “Aye, there’s supposed to be treasure buried there. But there’s a curse. If anyone takes it, they’ll die within a year. In my retirement, I’m going to buy a big metal detector and go down there.”

Eventually we arrive in a secluded bay, empty save a trellis table with a walkie-talkie in a lunchbox. Press the button, place an order and 10 minutes later a lovely lady called Georgina from down the road furnishes you with an extensive cream tea.

After eating, it’s finally time to visit Jura’s award-winning distillery, whose produce has kept us warm and high-spirited all day. Isle of Jura whisky is on the sweet side – easy to drink even for those unaccustomed to the taste. Tours are free, as is the wee dram at the end. Distillery manager, Willie Cochrane takes us through the whisky-making process via mash tuns, copper stills, barrels for ageing and that allimportant tasting room. He tells us to knock on wood for luck before we glug Superstition, lightly peated with hints of smoke and spice and Jura Elixir, that’s as chewy and fruity as Christmas cake. It’s wonderful stuff.

And here, surrounded by the sea and mountains, I’d Eyam: Gruesome argue it tastes even better.

NEXT WEEK

Trips to the Corryvreckan Whirlpool cost from £35 per person with Islay Sea Safari islayseasafari.co.uk

tales of the Plague in this English village

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LATEDEALS

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ARGENTINA A six-day trek costs £421pp with Intrepid Travel (0844 4998487; intrepidtravel.com) quoting reference no. 9498.

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RUTH ROXANNE BOARD

HOTSHOTS WINNER

Talks travel photography

BEAR WATCHING Adrian Sandberg, Finland

WINNER

WHY IT WORKS These two bear cubs look impossibly cute as they climb a tree trunk in Martinselkonen Nature Reserve in Finland, near the Russian border.

This area is famous for its bear-watching and photography opportunities. The cubs look spooked and have headed straight for the safest place, clinging to the tree bark with their claws. We are left wondering what is it that is making the little mites so afraid.

RUNNER-UP BUTTERFLIES AT IGUAZU FALLS Julie Wieczorek, Australia

WHY IT WORKS Located in Brazil, Iguazu Falls is a magnificent sight, but on this occasion the photographer has turned her attention to the fauna. Incredibly the number 80 is slap bang in the centre of the butterfly’s wings. Was this just a lucky find or divine intervention? Perhaps the bug is involved in an epic race along the Iguazu river!

RUNNER-UP

HOT TIPS: Wildlife Wildlife photography can be extremely exciting as you attempt to record animals’ appearances and behaviour in their natural habitat. A good place to start and hone your skills is close to home with your DSLR and researching the animals that interest you.

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A THREE DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE

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Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com). Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

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SHARM EL SHEIKH, EGYPT

Mango suite

KAHANDA KANDA OVERVIEW You

can choose from nine phenomenal luxury eco-villas at this resort. Positioned on a hilltop, just outside Galle in southern Sri Lanka, the area around this pretty boutique is a working tea plantation where monkeys play in the treetops, chameleons amble along the grass and rainbow butterflies fly through the air. Spend your days here lounging around the open-air reading room and dipping in and out of the infinity pool.

WOW FACTOR Don’t leave without trying head chef Ruwan’s incredible secret Sri Lankan curry recipe. He’ll even teach budding chefs how to prepare the creamy fish curry delight themselves, using ginger, coconut, local curry powder and other spices.

You can gobble your masterpiece in the restaurant overlooking the jungle afterwards. Two-hour cooking lessons run daily. Want to burn off all those calories? Join one of the resort’s rough-and-ready treks to a nearby nature reserve of your choice.

ROOMS Every villa has an outside rain shower and an individual colonialstyle look. Think period paintings, four-poster beds and little carved trinket boxes with elephant designs on them.

BILL, PLEASE Suites start at £240 per night, more in peak season.

Angulugaha, Galle kahandakanda.com

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Turning on the news you’d be forgiven for thinking the Middle East is just a magnet for mortar that’s best avoided, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Away from the isolated hotbeds hit by turmoil in the past few years, there’s plenty of beauty to be found and good times to be had in this region full of natural and man-made wonders.

Sharm El Sheikh’s screensaverworthy beaches are enough to make you want to trade in your day job and sell coconuts. Dubbed the ‘City of Peace’, due to all the peace conferences held here, this popular holiday town on the southern tip of the Sinai Peninsula is a safe bet. But to really understand why it’s one of the Arab world’s most touristy spots, you have to strap on an air tank and descend into the deep.

Beneath the surface of the Red Sea lives the weird and wonderful – more than 1000 species are found in these other-worldly, nutrient-rich waters. Those with a fish fetish can add crocodile fish, lion fish and reef shark notches to their dive logs. If you’ve seen them all before, you haven’t

encountered Egypt’s bizarre sunken treasures, such as that at Yolanda Reef, where the cargo from sunken ship the Yolanda has been since the Eighties.

The SS Thistlegorm, a British armed Merchant Navy ship, is also nearby.

The 128m-long vessel was carrying torpedoes, machine guns and iconic BSA motorbikes on its final journey.

On a swim around the boat, you’ll find radios, rubber boots, debris and silty machinery. This is one of the world’s most fascinating underwater museums.

Don’t swim? Hire a quad bike or dune buggy and tear up the surrounding desert dunes instead. Tours leave daily from the Naama Bay area and zoom groups around on 11-hour missions across the rugged terrain.

Sites include St Catherine’s Monastery.

Apparently, this is where Moses was given the Ten Commandments by god (not a bad claim to fame). Entering its gated walls is like stepping back in time. Find black-robed monks, rickety buildings and sixth century artefacts here. It has to be seen to be believed. sharm4you.net

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ISTANBUL, TURKEY

It’s hard not to be hypnotised by Istanbul’s daily call to prayer, Ottoman architecture and bubbling art scene – all making it one of the hippest destinations in the region.

Haggle for carpets at the Grand Bazaar or tuck into Ottoman-era royal cuisine at the Asitane restaurant (how about melon stuffed with mince and lamb stew?). Wash it all down with a drink at Besinci Kat’s rooftop bar, lit with beautiful red lanterns. Bliss. tourismturkey.org

Photos: Thinkstock

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DUBAI, UAE

There’s ample opportunity to stuff your suitcases with fashion and bars of gold on a holiday to this billionaire’s playground in the desert.

Any trip to Dubai is far from ordinary. You may find yourself stroking penguins in a giant fridge (at Ski Dubai, Mall of the Emirates), sliding down one of the largest free fall water slides on the planet (at Wild Wadi Waterpark). Or you could end up walking around the gaudy under-thesea-themed Atlantis The Palm hotel. definitelydubai.com

MIDDLE EAST SAFE ZONES

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TOP FIVE

MUSANDAM, OMAN

Hire your own Middle Eastern-style pirate ship on this calming Omani, jagged mountain-lined coastline.

Traditional afternoon dhow trips can be booked for £42pp. You could see dolphins in the wild, kayak into caves along the peninsula and go snorkeling.

If you are really lucky, you may even spot a friendly whale shark, reaching up to 14m in length, in its natural habitat. alboomdiving.com

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PETRA, JORDAN

Nothing quite prepares you for the moment you clap eyes on the Treasury in Petra. This mind-boggling creation sits in the vast untamed desert, and has done so for thousands of years.

Continue wandering through the ancient stone pathways and you’ll reach a clearing which opens out on to hundreds of intricate Bedouin caves, all etched into the mountains. They come complete with windows, doorways and different rooms. For a fee (negotiate there), guides will give you inside info.

NEXT WEEK Volcanoes: Do you dare climb these ones?

visitjordan.com

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TRAVELTIPS

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High regard: take time to wander in La Paz, Bolivia

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If your tip is printed, you’ll win vouchers (worth up to £60) for entry for two into one of No.1 Traveller’s airport lounges at Heathrow, Gatwick or Stansted. With complimentary food and drinks, free wi-fi and newspapers and magazines, your trip will get off to a flying start. See No1Traveller.com Tweet your tip to @tntmagazine.com Email traveltips@tntmagazine.com Text TNT and your message to 81707* *Messages cost 25p each + standard network rate.

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YOU ASKED FOR IT...

LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

heard people say Bolivia is Q I’ve brilliant, but I don’t know a great deal about what there is to do there. What are the highlights? I’ll be visiting for two weeks – what’s unmissable?

Rob, via email

visiting St Petersburg, Russia, on Q I’m a flying visit and want to spend my few days there exploring the city. What would you recommend see while there?

I’m very much into art and culture.

Anna, via email Petersburg’s top sight is the State A StHermitage Museum, so you should devote

rainforest, salt flats and volcanoes. As Bolivia is such a vast country, two weeks won’t be enough to see all of it, so I would recommend concentrating on one area. Base your trip in the south-west of Bolivia, where there are a number of highlights relatively close to each other. If you are flying into La Paz, allow some time to take in this spectacular high-altitude city. Spend a couple of days adjusting to the altitude, trying some of the incredible food in the city (such as salteñas, which are meat or vegetable filled pastries) and walking around the cobbled streets.

From here take one of the large tour buses to Copacabana, the gateway to Lake Titicaca. The world’s largest high-altitude lake is a sight to behold, with sapphire blue waters lined with traditional villages. Stay the night on the lake’s Isla del Sol, home to ancient ruins, traditional villages and a rugged landscape that will feel a world away from the buzz of La Paz. Boats operate to the island from Copacabana.

If you have time and want to visit Bolivia’s rainforest, you can hop on an internal flight from La Paz to Rurrenabaque (amaszonas.com) to explore the Amazon Basin, too.

at least a few hours to this treasure trove of history. The museum is largely housed in the magnificent 18th-century Winter Palace, but its three-million items span five buildings. It can get very busy though, so it is wise to arrive early and try to see at least some of the works of Raphael, Rubens and Matisse which are housed here.

Tear yourself away to visit the city’s colourful Church of the Saviour on Spilled Blood – the church is one of St Petersburg’s must-sees as the domes are a fantastic example of Russian romantic architecture.

Get a great view by climbing the impressive dome of St Isaac’s Cathedral or, for a different panorama, take to the water and cruise the rivers and canals. Anglotourismo offers one-hour English language boat tours (£10) and also a night boat tour for only £4 more.

If you have the time and money, a night at the Mariinsky Theatre to enjoy the ballet is a quintessential Russian experience. The theatre’s golden interior alone makes it worth the visit.

Tickets for the ballet start from around £25.

There isn’t a strict dress code but it is a good excuse to dress up!

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WORLDLY WONDERS Definitely visit Jordan, there’s a lot of interesting places and very friendly people in this safe and beautiful country. Must-sees include one of the Seven Wonders Of The World – Petra.

Also float in Dead Sea, snorkel in the Red Sea in Aqaba and take a desert trip to Wadi Rum. Jordan has my highest recommendation!

Svatopluk Doležal, via Facebook CORNER THE MARKET There’s no place in the world like Istanbul in terms of the atmosphere, amazing history and nightlife. I’d go back in a second – would love to see the Whirling Dervishes again, they were mind-blowing! Plus you have to go to the Grand Bazaar for silver jewellery – you can get great value there.

Lola Larkin, via email

A LONELY PLANET GUIDE

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Lonely Planet’s Laura Lindsay will give you the benefit of her infinite wisdom if you email a question to traveltips@tntmagazine.com.

If your question is answered, you’ll win a Lonely Planet guide of your choice.

This is a reader forum — TNT and Lonely Planet accepts no responsibility for any loss, injury or inconvenience sustained by anyone using the information provided.

Photos: Thinkstock

appeal is its diverse landscape A Bolivia’s – this enormous country boasts mountains,

READERS’ TIPS ON MIDDLE EAST

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WHERE IN THE WORLD?

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A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

Been somewhere good lately?

Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world.

Files must be at least 500Kb.

AIYA NAPA, CYPRUS Jenny Leonard, from England

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

BINX CLARKE, 20

LAUREN WINTER, 24

Bristol, England

Carlisle, England

BEST I went down the coast of Colombia a few years ago and had a blast. The country is beautiful and the people were so amazing and interesting. We went to the beach every day as well, which doesn’t hurt a holiday.

What’s your most memorable travel experience? I’m a massive fan of musicals, so I had the best time in New York last year.

I saw a Broadway show every night and it was fantastic.

How about the weirdest? I have an identical twin sister, which people in foreign countries are weirdly fascinated by – we get stopped wherever we go.

Ever had any scary travel experiences? I’m not a great flyer so the littlest bit of turbulence has me cowering.

WORST Years ago, someone cut off my hair in a Vietnamese fish market – I was only eight years old.

A man just ran up to me and took his scissors to my head.

It was terrifying as a child. » Tell us your best/worst trips, email helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

SPLASHING OUT

Photos: TNT; Getty

BIG FIVE ADVENTURE Visit Malawi to see lions, elephants, buffalo and more on safari in the Majete Wildlife Reserve.

A nine-night trip costs £3995pp with Audley Travel (01993 838500; audleytravel.com). Live it up in Robin Pope Safaris’ Mkulumadzi, a stylish lodge beside Lake Malawi. Includes flights, full board, safari activities and most watersports.

THE INSIDER

LIZZIE MABER Marketing executive Intrepid

My first ever big trip was a month-long journey from the Caribbean coast of Colombia to Lima in Peru. I had been living and studying in Buenos Aires for a year, but never attempted independent long-distance travel before. And what an initiation! It was absolutely stunning, and full of the friendliest people I’ve ever met.

My most challenging travel experience was travelling by bus across the border from Thailand into Laos. Put it this way: there is a reason everyone takes the two-day-long boat trip.

My favourite place in the world is Queenstown in New Zealand. You can’t beat its mix of adventure, fun and beauty.

I always pack a silk sleeping bag liner – you never know what sheets you’re going to be given.

My guilty travel pleasure is carrying a jar of Marmite with me wherever I go – there’s only so far I’m willing to immerse myself in the local culture!

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Rocking [Caption]out: the fans go wild

Rock ‘n’ roll road trip EUROPE

Diverse: gothic spires to goth-pop in Barcelona 70

Earnest: singer Hayley Mary in the moment; (above) Barcelona at night

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On tour with The Jezabels Ever wondered what it would be like to hit the road with one of your favourite bands? We live the dream and do just that WORDS BENEDICT COOPER

The Jezabels don’t know it, but I’ve travelled with them

Day 2: Porto

before. Their debut album, Prisoner, and earlier EPs were the soundtrack to my summer, the haunting, gothic pop-rock thundering through my headphones on practically every journey I took. I was completely hooked. So when the chance came to join them on the last leg of their world tour last month, travelling through Portugal and Spain’s coolest cities and watching The Jezabels perform in Europe’s top music venues to a new, rock ‘n’ roll-hungry crowd each night – well, I couldn’t have packed my bags much quicker.

The Aussie four-piece have been on quite a journey of their own since they banded together at Sydney University in 2007. They’ve been developing the unique sound they describe as “intensindie” ever since, and this year have toured the world, a trip that culminates in these European dates, supporting the legendary Skunk Anansie. I took them with me on my journeys. Here’s what happened when they took me on theirs.

Waking up on a tour bus with a band you love sleeping peacefully around you is one of the stranger ways to start a day, but even 24 hours in, I’m already in the swing of things, unfazed by Skunk Anansie’s lead singer Skin walking by with a cup of green tea. I’ve seen The Jezabels’ drummer Nik Kaloper demonstrate his uncanny ability to catch snacks in his mouth countless times. And I’ve been told in no uncertain terms, “do NOT shit on the bus”. I spend some time chatting

Day 1: Lisbon I’ll admit it, I have a case of butterflies as I navigate my way through the winding streets of Lisbon, to the Coliseu dos Recreios – to meet The Jezabels for the first time. This is a very feisty city: as I hurry through the lively streets I notice drug dealers loitering among the stunning, 16th-century architecture, offering their wares to any passer-by. I’m eager to meet the band, though, so rather than exploring further, I wander past and soon find myself backstage.

I’m walking through deserted corridors looking for the dressing rooms when I bump into the band’s keyboardist, Heather Shannon, and guitarist, Sam Lockwood, peering expectantly into the majestic, historic auditorium of the Coliseu – a stage they’re due to storm a few hours later.

About an hour later, I find myself just a few feet away from the band as they launch into their first song – they’re captivating to watch. Out there in the auditorium the crowd is going wild – everybody is loving it. I pinch myself to check this isn’t a dream.

When we all pile backstage after a phenomenal set, there’s bottes of champagne waiting for the band: a ‘Welcome to the tour’ present from the headliners, Skunk Anansie. Now that, I think to myself, is rock ‘n’ roll.

“

Whatever you do, do NOT shit on the bus

”

to lead singer Hayley Mary in between soundchecks and ask her how she feels about all the travelling. “It’s a bit of a nonreality, but it’s the fans that keep us grounded” she says. ››

Thumbs up: champagne [Caption] from band Skunk Anansie TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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“In some ways you get more in touch with the world, but in others you’re less in touch, because you don’t have a home and it’s having a home that gives you your sense of culture.

Sometimes I’ve had a strange feeling, like the opposite of homesick, where you have no idea where you are or what you’re doing, but it’s very exciting – the fluidity of it.”

We arrive in Porto, an industrial-looking city that at first glance seems full of concrete and unromantic architecture.

But the part of town around the grand old Coliseu do Porto, where The Jezabels have a gig later that night, turns out to have real character.

It’s another energetic set, and though supporting Skunk Anansie means impressing a new breed of fans, this crowd is definitely won over.

THE GREATEST TOURS IN ROCK ‘N’ ROLL’S HISTORY

Day 3: Madrid Parts of Madrid, with its winding back alleys and steep cobbled streets, makes me feel as though I’m in a small hill town, as I wander about on another lethargic afternoon – the band are almost always too tired to see the cities themselves. As Sam tells me: “We’ve been to Paris three times and never seen the Eiffel Tower.” Turns out to be a good job they’ve saved their energy, as La Riviera is a much more intimate venue than they’ve played so far.

After the show there’s a huge buzz as the band pose for pictures and shake hands. A couple of die-hard Jezabels fans – Tane and Anneka – take us out to a trendy local watering hole, Bar Mostro, and they are clearly on cloud nine to be out with their favourite band. We carry on the party back on the bus, and I eventually crawl into my bunk in the early hours of the morning full of the roadie’s whisky and lulled by the gentle hum of the vehicle.

Day 4: Barcelona Barcelona is known for having a raucous music scene, and The Jezabels are playing the city’s famous Razzmatazz venue, which is a very big deal – The Stone Roses and Blur have played here in the past. I’m feeling the burn from last night, but that melts away as the band rocks the stage again.

All it takes is a few notes from Heather’s keyboard at the beginning of Hurt Me and the shiver down my spine gets the adrenaline going again. I savour the song, knowing it’s the last time I’ll hear Nik’s powerful drumming, Heather’s mesmerising notes, Hayley’s soaring vocals and Sam’s unmistakable chords in quite this way again.

Together they fill Razzmatazz with a dark, formidable charisma, sealing the tour as having been a resounding success. Later, Hayley says: “We’re somewhere in between innocence and success now, a transition phase. I think we’ll look back at these days as being some of our best.” ❚

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Four days in Europe is just a drop in the ocean compared to some rock tours. From the insanely big to the just plain insane, musicians have done it all on the road.

These are some of greatest tours in music history.

1. OZZY OSBOURNE AND MOTLEY CRUE, BARK AT THE MOON TOUR, 1984 Ozzy was going solo that year after a tumultuous tour with Black Sabbath, but he certainly didn’t keep a low profile. One tale from the road goes that when the legendary wild-child of metal asked for a line of cocaine from Motley Crue bass player Nikki Sixx, only to find out there wasn’t any left, he improvised by getting down on his hands and knees with a plastic straw and snorting a line of ants marching down the pavement.

Later Sixx said: “From that moment on we knew there was always someone who was sicker and more disgusting than we were.”

2. THE WHO TOUR 1967 Stories had gone around for a while about Keith Moon’s love of destruction, and by the time The Who reached the US, there wasn’t a hotel room safe from Moon’s own signature demolition technique – a lit stick of dynamite shoved into a toilet.

But it was the band’s stay in Flint, Michigan, at the Holiday Inn, that sealed his almost god-like reputation for mayhem. He celebrated his 21st birthday with the usual (dynamite-induced) bang, driving a Lincoln Continental – or a Cadillac depending on who’s telling the story – into the hotel swimming pool to a stunned crowd of partygoers.

3. U2 360° TOUR, 2009-2011 The Irish mega-band racked up the biggest tour in the history of music between 2009 and 2011.

Over the two-year period, U2 played 110 sold-out shows worldwide. More than 7million fans came to see them play, paying more than US$700m (£435m) for the privilege, a record gross income for a music tour by any band.

Photos: Benedict Cooper; Cassandra Hannagan; TNT; Thinkstock; Getty

Anticipation: waiting for the band

U2’s 360˚ Tour was a world beater

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TRAVELWEEKENDER

German getaway This is Hamburg in 48 hours WORDS HELEN ELFER

DAY 1: 10:00 Kick off your weekend with a hearty breakfast to keep you going until lunch. Head to Café Paris (about £8 for mains; cafeparis.net/en) – yes, it might have a French name in a German city and be famous for serving a mean Full English, but this venue is a landmark. Ask any local and they’ll point you in this direction, as it’s reputed to do the best breakfasts in town. Expect it to be busy, though.

11:00 Make your way to Hamburg’s pretty port, where you can watch the huge trade ships coming and going. This site, called HafenCity (hafencity.com), is undergoing major development to replace the old port warehouses with hotels, shops and restaurants overlooking the waterfront.

It’s not yet complete but there’s plenty already open.

13:00 Once you’ve had a look around, try the cosy and casual Langnese Café Unileverhaus (mains from £3.50; Strandkai 1, Unilever Haus, HafenCity; tel. 00 49 40 360 90 80 1), which does tasty vegan and vegetarian sandwiches as well as a renowned selection of creamy ice creams.

14:00 Suitably refreshed, dip a toe into Hamburg’s booming arts scene and wander around the impressive Hamburger Kunsthalle (hamburger-kunsthalle.de). There are two buildings – one old and one new – linked by an intriguing underground passage, so you can happily spend a few hours here exploring. As well as some classic Renaissance works on display, there are plenty of big contemporary hitters, including pieces of Andy Warhol’s pop art.

16:00 Finish the sightseeing part of your weekend with superb views over the city from the top of St Nikolai church (entry £2.50; Ost-West-Strasse; tel. 00 49 4037 1125). It 74

was the world’s tallest building in the 1800s, but now houses a Second World War memorial. More interesting is taking a ride in the glass-walled lift that goes up to the 75m viewing platform. Only for the brave.

18:00 Hamburg is famous for its seafood, so splash out on some of the city’s finest at Fischereihafen (mains from £7; fischereihafenrestaurant.de) where you’ll be seated in a maritime-themed dining room that overlooks the River Elbe.

Wander inside the Oyster Bar, an American-themed space housed inside a former wardrobe and public phone booth.

20:00 You’re in just the right place to explore Hamburg’s famously seedy-but-cool district, the Reeperbahn. This is where the Beatles played in the early Sixties and the clubs they used to rock out in are still going strong. Catch a local up-and-coming band at INDRA (Große Freiheit 64, 22767 Hamburg; indramusikclub.com), which proudly proclaims it was the first venue the Liverpudlians played at in Germany.

11:00 Before heading home, check out the Beatles-Platz (crossroads of Große Freiheit and Reeperbahn). It’s paved to look like a vinyl record and has statues of the Fab Four, plus original members Pete Best and Stuart Sutcliffe.

DAY 2: 10:00 If you were out partying until the wee hours, you’ve earned yourself a lie-in. Opt to do it at Instant Sleep Backpacker hostel (from £11 for a dorm bed; instantsleep.de), which has bright, comfortable rooms.

There are plenty of cheap cafes to grab breakfast nearby, so mop up your hangover with eggs on toast at Bedford Café (mains from £6; 72 Schulterblatt, 20357 Hamburg; tel.

00 49 40 4318 8332).

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Photos: Martin Brinckmann; Getty; Thinkstock

Beatles-Platz: Hamburg’s tribute to the Fab Four

11:00 Visit Hamburg’s most famous building, the iconic Rathaus, pictured above, (tours £2.50; Rathausmarkt Altstadt; hamburgische-buergerschaft.de). This is where, in 1945, the Nazi commander-in-chief General Woltz surrendered Hamburg to the Allied Forces. A guided tour takes 40 minutes and is well worth doing.

12:00 Hamburg has more waterways and bridges than Venice, and the best way to explore them is by boat.

So hop on board one of the Alster cruises (£16pp; alstertouristik.de), which take about two hours.

14:00 You’ll be in need of refuelling, so grab lunch at the quirky Fleetschlossen (mains from £4; Brooktorkai 17; tel. 00 404930393 210), which does top-value sandwiches.

16:00 To ramp up the kitsch factor even more, drop into the Condomeries (Spielbudenplatz 18, 20359 Hamburg; tel. 00 49 403193100), a bizarrely popular shop filled with flavoured condoms and weird sex toys.

Pick up a few souvenirs or just have a gawp.

17:00 Go for a late afternoon ice-skating session at the beautiful Indoo Eisarena (£3.60; Stephansplatz, Neustadt, 20355 Hamburg; tel. 00 49 40 4102 200 919), which is open at Planten un Blomen between October and March each year.

19:00 Finish off your weekend with a warming feed at this traditional hamburger kuche (or kitchen). Sprinkenhof (Burchardstr. 8, 20095 Hamburg; tel. 00 49 4033 5185).

Fly direct from London Heathrow to Hamburg for £164 return with British Airways ba.com

Nice ice: hit the rink at Planten un Blomen

Reeperbahn: for a wild and seedy night out TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Lunarscape: Egypt’s white desert

White Desert Cairo

EGYPT

Farafra

GETTING THERE Egypt Airways flies to Cairo daily from London Heathrow.

Return flights cost from £360. egyptair.com

EGYPT

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BIGTRIP

White out Saddling up for a one-humped safari into Egypt’s Saharan wilds, we discover golden mummies and a surreal white lunarscape WORDS JENNIFER CARR

WHEN TO GO: It’s best to visit the Western Desert between It’s not a pretty sight. The stark landscape – no signs, plaques, nothing, just the October and May. Temperatures in of Egypt’s desert burns my retinas, forcing still figures. I bend over one of them and summer can exceed 45˚C, which me to squint as I scan the quivering, molten, a gaping gold death mask stares straight is simply too hot for camping and 40˚C scene before me. Besides my two back, with its fine regal features indelibly safari trekking. friends, our guide and our jeep driver, there’s etched in flawless gold paint that belies not a soul around, nor is there a signal that a thousand lifetime’s worth of decay. These CURRENCY: £1 = EGP 9.8 life could survive here – even if it wanted to. four mummies, along with 90 others, have (Egyptian pounds) Instead, ochre sands meet dark smatterings been excavated from a 6.5km strip of desert ACCOMMODATION: of iron ore from the region’s volcanic rock several miles out of town.

Dakhla Hotel is a traditional mud formations. It’s a surreal corner of the earth This huge cemetery was discovered in brick building that opened in almost entirely untouched by mankind.

1996, when a donkey stumbled – literally – 2008. This typical Bedouin venue We’re deep in the Western Desert, which on an ancient well, prompting archeologists offers affordable comfort after makes up two thirds of Egypt’s landmass. to conduct a full-scale excavation of the area. a hard day’s desert safari – plus To put that into perspective, we’re driving It was worth their efforts, as these delicately an irresistibly cold swimming pool. through a jigsaw piece of the planet that’s preserved bodies are among an estimated Rooms start from £40pppn based roughly the size of Texas. It’s a place of 5000-10,000 mummies, including nobles and on single occupancy extremes, holding both the Black Desert, kings, that sit in tombs deep in subterranean SEE: egypt.travel with its dark-tipped dunes, which we’re sediment. It is possibly the largest mummy driving through now, and the surreal chalky White Desert, necropolis in Egypt – some of the mummies found so far which we’ll reach later on. wear golden masks and have magnificent designs of ancient Considering the entire region lacks a single river, I’m Egyptian gods on their chests, while others are coated in flummoxed when we pass a lone tree, which looks to be plaster, covered with linen or lie in terracotta sarcophagi. standing stubbornly in defiance of all odds. But several Despite that huge amount, fewer than 100 mummies have hundred metres later all becomes clear as we drive up to an been successfully unearthed because of restrictions around oasis of biblical proportions. Breathing life into the sandy their rate of decay once above ground. I feel amazingly lucky panorama around us is Bahariya, a 2000sq/km emerald to have seen them here, not to mention excited about the blanket of palm trees which is one of five oases in the next 48 hours in the desert.

Western Desert. It’s the first one we’ve come across and we’re Back in the truck, the driver cranks up the Arabian relieved to escape the pressure cooker of our jeep when hip-hop and proffers a fresh bag of sun-sweetened dates. we stop in Bawati, its main settlement. This is a place with “They’re straight from Bahariya’s palms,” Nelly explains, serious historic credentials – not least is the fact it’s home to bobbing her head in time to the thumping bass. “Good the thrillingly named Valley of the Golden Mummies. energy for sandboarding – this is one of the best spots in We quickly slug freezing cold cokes to bring our body the Sahara to try it.” temperatures down to lukewarm before our tour guide, This is news to me – I hadn’t banked on any adrenalin Nelly, leads us to a simple, unremarkable-looking doorway. sports in the middle of the desert, but it seems our tour A robed Bedouin appears and pushes it open, gesturing for group have decided otherwise. So with that, our driver pulls us to step inside this huge burial site. The shade is welcome a hard left and swerves confidently on to the sand in the – even if it’s only marginally cooler than the scorching direction of some giant 100m dunes a couple of kilometres midday heat outside. We tiptoe into the gloom and with ahead. Well, when in Rome, I tell myself. some trepidation head over to four caskets inside. There is Our jeep whips through the powdery sand like a knife ›› absolutely nothing by way of tourist-pandering introduction through warm butter and we’re there in a matter of TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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(Clockwise) This camel’s ready to ride; camping in “the middle of nowhere”; and sacks of delicious Bahariya dates

minutes. Boards in hand, we trudge clumsily up the dunes, our feet sinking into the soft sand – it’s murder on the thighs.

It takes a Herculean effort to reach the top, but when we do, we’re rewarded with staggering views of the empty Saharan panorama. We are the only ones here – which I have to admit totally compensates for the lack of ski slope-type lifts, although they would have come in handy.

I’m first up, kicking off my flip-flops and promptly burning the soles of my feet on sand that’s been baking since sunrise in 40˚C and then some. But I ignore the pain and, stepping on to the sandboard, launch myself over the crest of the dune, sliding down the slope at top speed with sand spraying out behind me. The wobbly ride finishes when I fly head first into a great big bank of the yellow stuff. At least hurting yourself is (more or less) impossible here.

Dignity abandoned, I wade up the dune for a second go, bending my knees much lower this time like a surfer, so gravity and stability work in my favour. It’s great fun, even if completely exhausting in these temperatures.

When we get back to the jeep, I immediately plunge my feet into the giant icebox containing our supplies, the skin already puckering from what felt like walking on hot coals.

I’m in serious need of healing, so it’s a good job we’re only an hour’s drive away from Crystal Mountain, the next stop on our itinerary. Although its origin is disputed, many experts say it has a sub-volcanic vault dating back to the Oligocene age (that’s a whopping 23 million years ago). This natural wonder is composed of glimmering calcite and anthracite crystals, plus a limestone cave filled with stalactites and stalagmites created by what Nelly refers to as “the sun’s alchemy and lots of hydrothermal action in between the different layers of chalk, limestone and coal”. Apparently, 78

the negative ions in the rock particles have healing properties which soothe the body and restore balance and inner calm. I lie down on top of the prickly crystals to test this theory and after a two-minute rest I’m left feeling inexplicably revitalised – it is as if a New Age-masseuse has just placed some exotic healing stones on my skin, but multiplied by a thousand.

Our journey continues along a road that takes us lower and lower into the Farfra depression, a landmass which

Milky way: outcrops in the Farfra depression

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used to sit entirely under the sea. White milky outcrops and bizarre rock formations flash past the jeep windows like enormous, polished chess pieces, each one more trippy than the last. It’s like a scene straight from Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, only with Nevada swapped for the Western Desert and considerably less paranoia. But it’s certainly surreal.

Now mid-afternoon, the sun is starting to go down, so our driver hits the pedal hard – we want to reach the site we’re going to camp at before sunset. Then, 15 minutes later, we turn off the main road and park up beside three guides swathed in traditional galabeya robes waiting to take us to camp, or “the middle of nowhere”, as Nelly calls it. Her smile suggests this isn’t going to be a straightforward camping trip, so I mask my apprehension by smiling back (silently hoping she’s stashed some anti-venom for the rattlesnakes that I’ve heard come out after sundown around these parts).

“

It’s weird to think this was in the ocean

”

There are camels waiting for us, and we mount them with comical difficulty. They stand up hind legs first, so anyone not hanging on gets thrown forward on to the sand below.

We all somehow manage to cling on as the camels lurch upward, before starting a slow, rhythmic plod into the White Desert for the approaching sunset. The heavy silence, gentle rocking from the camel’s steady gait and the overwhelming scenery makes the ride feel tantamount to meditation.

Everywhere I look, natural sculptures buffed and polished by harsh desert winds present themselves; giant ice cream cones or mushrooms, flat-topped inselbergs and even a large bunny rabbit rise out of the sedimentary rock. It’s like being in some kind of super-sized, psychedelic Alice In Wonderland, made all the weirder by the knowledge this landscape was once at the bottom of the ocean.

The light starts to fade and as if brought to life by the sun’s energy, the rocks begin to shift in hue from purple ›› to lilac to pink to indigo. The irony is not lost on me

The insider's guide Nelly Zakaria is a tour guide for the Cairo-based, family-run adventure tour group Badawiya Expedition Travel. She’s an expert on everything related to the Sahara and Egypt.

What’s the best thing about your job?

It’s my dream job to be escorting adventurers into the desert. I love to see people’s faces the first time they visit. There are so many magical wonders to enjoy here, it’s hard to squeeze them all in to our camping trips, but we like to try.

What camping highlights would you recommend?

A noted highlight for campers is a visit to the Bir Sitta hot springs and El-Mufid Lake, a short ride from the Al Farafra town that sits on the periphery of the White Desert’s Farafra Oasis.

Best time to go?

At night, you can enjoy the medicinal benefits of water – that’s rich in silver and iron ore – under the stars.

What about those with more time on their hands?

The 2000km round trip from Cairo into the southern region of the Western Desert’s Gilf El-Kebir National Park is not to be missed. It was the setting for part of the novel The English Patient and some of the movie was filmed here.

What can you see there?

This giant sandstone plateau is extremely arid but wildly beautiful, and it plays host to nine deep valleys, plus a selection of caves featuring prehistoric rock art.

You’ll feel like you’re at the end of the Earth and you’ll also get to enjoy a section of the epic Great Sand Sea in between. It’s the largest dune field in the world and capable of swallowing anything in its path, so we take extra care on our routes here.

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that only this morning I regarded the desert as barren nothingness. Only now, I’m starting to understand that it is in fact a living, breathing environment.

Dismounting from our one-humped vehicles, Nelly and the other hosts immediately set up a simple, yet comfortable camp, ingeniously created by turning the camel saddles upside down as makeshift sofas and unraveling blankets.

They finish up just in time for the next natural highlight on our agenda: watching the full moon.

With our camp set up, and tranquility at a peak, there’s only one thing to do: kick back under the stars for some desert downtime. The scent of supper being carefully prepared by one of the Bedouins and fresh hibiscus tea brewing on a crackling fire stirs my stomach. The full moon’s milky light is more than enough to see by, but soft enough to allow the hundreds of thousand stars above us to take centre stage. Watching them, I feel a rare sense of total contentment. Perhaps it’s due to a lack of phones, deadlines, social media and other distractions, but I’m totally lost to the cosmos above us. At that moment, a sneaky desert fox takes advantage of the quiet to pop out from a rock and sneak some scraps from our camp.

As soon as it’s ready we devour a delicious, slow-cooked stew of chicken cooked in what must have been 20 different spices. As we eat, three shooting stars burst overhead and I silently thank my good fortune at finding myself smack bang in Nelly’s “middle of nowhere”. Glancing at her over the embers of a fire that’s keeping the rattlesnakes at bay, I now get exactly what she was grinning about. ❚

Hop it: the White Desert’s surreal rock formations

Jennifer travelled with Badawiya Desert Tours, which costs about £250 per person, including a bi-lingual guide, two nights’ camping in the desert, all equipment, all meals and a camel safari. badawiya.com

BEST OF THE REST DESERT SIGHTS JARA CAVE This massive cave contains jaw-dropping examples of prehistoric rock art. Most of the engravings depict big game hunts and everyday life, most probably drawn by hunter-gatherers more than 9000 years ago. The cave was discovered by the explorer Gerhard Rohlfs. en.egypt.travel Photos: Jennifer Carr; TNT; Getty; Thinkstock

BADAWIYA AGRICULTURAL FARM Ran by one of Badawiya’s socially and environmentally conscious residents, Hamdy Ali, this pioneering farm is already supplying organic vegetables to the local desert dwellers. They plan to use its natural spring to kick start some medicinal desert ‘spa’ experiences, as well as harvesting the food for sick, hospitalised and disadvantaged locals.

Grain waves: sandboarding on the dunes CLEAN UP Every April, after the main season of desert tourism ends, this five-day long experience encourages international conservationists to head into the desert with Badawiyan hosts and the White Desert Foundation to help clean up the remnants of visitors and make sure the Sahara stays untainted. Expect fun, games, cooking lessons, Bedouin music round the campfire, shisha pipes and plenty of feelgood energy from a holiday that gives something back.

Email info@badawiya.com for more information.

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† Hogmanay & Highlands only ^ Edinburgh Hogmanay only

7/12/12 09:23:34

TRAVEL

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TRAVEL

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DESPERATELYSEEKING

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Post your message at tntmagazine.com/seeking or email seeking@tntmagazine.com. Text TNT and your message to 81707* crafts and it’s only the first week of Dec! Is it Boxing Day yet? Sophie HE AIN’T HEAVY: To the bloke I got off with last week in Piccadilly Institute with the skinny tie, we had a good run but your brother was more attractive. Tell him to give me a call! No hard feelings, Lucy DRUNKEN MONKEY: I apologise to anyone at that pub in Islington last weekend (I don’t even remember the name of it I was so pissed) who had to

TOO MUCH INFORMATION: I can’t count the times the automated Tube announcement has told me about delays due to a person “under the tracks”.

Is it really necessary to use that language? Every now and then you get “customer incident” which is just insensitive. Go with “severe delays” and call it a day, it’s just gruesome. TZ FIDLAR: You guys put on a great show in Camden last night. Haven’t

THINGS THE QUEEN SHOULD DO BEFORE SHE DIES

#508 Save royal pennies by snapping up bargains in the Christmas sales

witness my disturbing James Bond impersonations. That lady did not deserve a martini on her head, as hilarious as it was. Everyone should go see Skyfall! It will change your life but you most likely won’t get laid for a while. James BRITS ROCK: Just wanted to say thanks to all the Brits who made my life awesome for the last three months. I’m off for the States next week and won’t be back for quite a while. Just wish that I could remember more of the last three months ... damn you half-priced pints for students. K

moshed that hard since I was in high school. Granted, my nose was a little bloody at the end of the night, but it was worth it. Fuck It Dog, Life’s A Risk.

PINT-SIZED THIEVES: You have to be pretty low to steal drinks from the smokers who have to put them down inside at clubs.

Whoever stole my beer on Saturday (twice!) I hope you catch some of this vomiting bug going around, or just get hit by a good old bus.

You prick. Bobby LATE-NIGHT LONDON: Why is it that pubs can only stay open

until a certain hour? I’m sure there’s a perfectly valid reason but I need a better option for the wee hours other than Tiger Tiger or any of those clone clubs filled with imbecilic drones and £10 beers – I’m talking to you, Boris. Raj JUST WEIRD: Dear freakishly muscular 80-year-old man at my gym – let it go. Every time I see you lift that barbell I think that your bones are just gonna crack. You made it this far, enjoy it – six packs don’t get the gals at the nursing home, mahjong does though. Less chest press, more checkers. PP TOO-TALL: Any other Londoners out there who constantly clonk their heads getting in and out of the Tube? I can only stand up and on the District and Metro, I go down into the Piccadilly and I have to crawl in and out of that thing.

I’m sick of being laughed at by the short ones, damn my Dutch blood. V LATERS: Hello and goodbye to the group of students I lived with this semester. Our place was a little slice of America in the heart of the UK, it was an unforgettable time.

Stay in touch! LL GIVE IT A REST: BT, you’ve been out every night for the past 13 and brought a new girl home each time.

How do you do it? Meanwhile, some of us have jobs to go to so keep it down. Hope you’re using condoms. 69 West Road Crew CHEER UP: Why are shop assistants so rude in London? No smile, no ‘have a nice day’, just miserable-looking faces. And it’s Christmas! Get happy people, it’s the festive season! Paul J

*Messages cost 25p each + standard network rate. 18+ bill payers only. Send STOP to end. Number may show on bill. A2B 08700460138

Photos: Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

LONG-HAIRED LOSER: To the dirty ponytailed hipster last weekend in Notting Hill, my face did not appreciate meeting your elbow. Next time, don’t be a prick and act like it was my fault for standing there. And cut your hair, the Nineties are long gone. KP GET A MOVE ON! I’m not a native Londoner and even I’m annoyed with foreigners crowding up the Tube stations, arguing loudly about which line to take to Buckingham Palace. We appreciate your tourism, but please go away!

My Friday morning commutes are bad enough already. JJ UNCLE HARRY: Yes, the royal baby is exciting news, congrats to Wills and Kate, blah blah blah. The real question is: what inappropriate costume will Harry try to dress the kid up in for its first Halloween?

The possibilities are endless and hilarious. Baby Jimmy Savile, anyone? Wilson XMAS BASH: Orphaned in the UK for Christmas this year! Who wants to wallow in misery with my mates and me? Christmas roast and pints on us! HT AMERICAN IDIOT: To the guy from the States in Fabric bragging about being so successful in your early 30s – no one cares that your business card is in Chinese. If you’re god’s gift to humanity, what are you doing hitting on uni students in a nightclub? Gross. LS IS IT OVER YET? If my girlfriend forces me to go to one more Christmas market this year, I will explode. I feel like I’m drowning in mulled wine and crap

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