TNT Magazine / Issue 1539 by TNT Magazine

February 25-March 3 2013 Issue 1539 tntmagazine.com

WIN!

TOP OF THE POP-UPS

A SEVEN-DAY SAILING TRIP FOR TWO AROUND GREECE!

A guide to secret dining in London

‘OLDBOY’ TO ‘STOKER’ Legendary director Park Chan-wook

ICE COOL IN CANADA We join the igloo raves in Montreal

R E V E F L A V I FEST

fests t s e b ’s 3 1 0 2 more at d n a n o e L f ings o Green Day, K

ISSUE 1539 / £1.95

+ START YOUR OWN POP-UP HOW TO FLAT HUNT GIGGLES IN GLASGOW AUSSIE VS BRITISH MEAT

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Activate your discount via: www.rapidparcel.com/tntmag TNT_1538_02 2

14/02/2013 11:25:07

LAURA CHUBB EDITOR laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER This week’s issue is all about finding the party, whether that’s at Europe’s top music festivals (P66), going to an igloo rave in Canada (P72), or at Glasgow’s upcoming comedy fest (P56). Want to stay put in London? Check out our guide to the city’s secret dining scene, where great food is just one element of a night out in an alternate reality (P8). After all, you didn’t come to the Big Smoke to stay home with a cuppa, did you? Enjoy!

THIS WEEK

LONDONDIARY

LONDONNEWS

DRINK & EATS @TNT COMPETITIONS

14+15 16 18+54

SPOTTED

LONDON SOUND

CHATROOM SHARON ROONEY 23 LONDON SCENE

FEATURES

LONDON FOCUS

SURPRISE EATS

SPARE TIME

Theatrical pop-up dining is London’s fave new food craze – don’t miss our tips

LIFESTYLE

Photos: Quays of the Old Port of Montreal; Getty; Martin Parr

32-37

LIVING

PARK LIFE

CAREERS

MONEY

Cult director Park Chan-wook talks Stoker, his creepy new thriller with Aussie stars

NEWS & SPORT

38-48

TRAVEL

51-75

DIARY

NEWS

LATE DEALS

HOTSHOTS

TOP FIVE

TIPS & STUFF

SHORT BREAK

CLASSIFIEDS DESPERATELY SEEKING

76-105 106

POP-UP FOR PAY

Say no to bricks and mortar – our guide to make a business pop-up from nothing

HORSING AROUND

Aussie pollie warning about UK meat was a joke, but do Aussies and Kiwis care?

BEST EURO FESTS

Snow, desert, fortress or club, we ﬁnd the best music festivals in Europe this year

WINTER WONDER

Montreal in Canada knows how to make bone-chilling cold and snow a total blast

8 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Editorial Group editor Carol Driver Editor Laura Chubb Content editors: Sub/ Sport Michael Gadd Travel Helen Elfer Entertainment Alasdair Morton Web Oliver Jones Social media Dan Thorne Contributors Daisy Carrington; Charlotte Maguire

LONDONDIARY

@tntmagazine

Love lessons: snigger with the Sex Guru

Design and production Head of design and production Jon Cooke Design / picture editor Patricia Montenegro Sales Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Sales executive Nichole Davis Sales administrator Abby Nightingale marketing & events Marketing and events executive Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh tnt MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst Publisher TNT Multimedia Limited Distribution Emblem Direct Ltd Printed by Wyndeham Peterborough Limited News AAP SAPA NZPA Pictures Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 16 Brune St, London, E1 7NJ tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com sales enquiries

Phone 020 7989 0567 Email sales@tntmagazine.com Where to get TNT

cover price: £1.95 where sold See tntmagazine.com/findtnt for pick-up points or tntmagazine.com/emag to read TNT online Subscriptions and Distribution Caroline Penn 01603 559004

Shhh... SECRET LONDON sex guru: sexological comedy show Leicester Square

The Sexological Comedy Show is part stand-up, part group therapy session, which takes sex and our anxieties about it and delivers an hour and a half show that is as much about laughing and sniggering as it is about teaching. So get ready to share. Austria’s most prominent sex guru looks to solve the battle of the sexes, once and for all. How do I get my girlfriend to have a threesome? Does my boyfriend notice when I fake an orgasm? The answers to these and more can be found within. Take note. £18

Fri & Sat, Mar 1-Apr 6, 9.30pm Leicester Square Theatre, WC2H 7BX

Leicester Square

leicestersquaretheatre.com

All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

lady rizo

falling: A part

high tech, low life doco

The lady in question is a mainstay on the Big Apple’s cabaret scene and brings her superb show – music, cabaret, an encounter behind a curtain with one brave and lucky punter – to the Soho Theatre to show why she is such a celebrated act. In a year in which cabaret in London is bigger than ever, she’s one not to miss.

Photographer Thomas ZanonLarcher is most well-known for his snaps of supermodels, particularly catching them at their most unguarded backstage. Here, however, he employs the ladies to act as if caught unawares in public spaces. It’s a jarring exhibition that straddles what is manufactured and what is real.

This fascinating documentary looks at the lives of two Chinese bloggers – Zola and Tiger Temple – and the risks they take in their fight to tell the untold stories from their homeland. A powerful portrait of a nation in flux and evolution, in which the future is within reach, but where the past still exacts a hold over the present.

Until Mar 9 (not Sun, Mon), 9.45pm W1D 3NE Tottenham Crt Rd sohotheatre.com

Until Mar 9, 10am-6pm SE1 9LR London Bridge thewappingprojectbankside.com

Feb 28, 7.15pm Dochouse, W6 9RL Hammersmith dochouse.org

£10+

TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine. Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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Weather forecast: the Rain Room is closing this week

Represent your country

RAIN ROOM Barbican

Awesome tours Living in the UK, this is a dream come true – the ability to control the rain! This fantastic installation from Random International, which has had people queuing round the block to give it a go, closes this week. Rain Room puts you in the middle of a downpour without you getting wet – the rain falls around but not on you, as your movements control its fall. We wish we could take this out with us come summertime! FREE

Weekend festivals

Until Mar 3, Mon-Sat, 9am-11pm. Sun, 12pm-11pm Barbican, Silk Street, EC2Y 8DS Barbican barbican.org.uk

ALIEN REVOLUTION

STAND UP FOR SHELTER

Are we alone in the universe? If not, what shape would aliens take? And what would they make of us? These are the questions this new exhibition at the Royal Observatory considers through science (the how, what and why) and culture (sci-fi speculations and movies). More like ET and less like Alien we hope.

A top line-up of stand-up acts comes together for this show for the homelessness charity Shelter, including Aussie legend Tim Minchin, one-liner genius Jimmy Carr, word-play king Stewart Francis, impressionist Alistair McGowan and musos The Cuban Brothers, too. Enjoy the world class gags and dig deep.

Mar 1-Aug 2013, 10am-5pm SE10 8XJ Cutty Sark rmg.co.uk

Feb 27, 7.30pm Hammersmith Apollo, W6 9QH Hammersmith shelter.org.uk

Photos: Felix Clay

FREE

Weekly after match socials

£30

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

LONDONNEWS

@tntmagazine

OLD VIC TUNNELS TO CLOSE FOREVER One of London’s best art spaces, The Old Vic Tunnels underneath Waterloo Station, will close forever on March 15. The unique venue, a network of spooky underground tunnels, has hosted a number of successful theatre productions and art exhibitions since it opened three years ago. No information was provided on why the venue was closing at the time TNT went to press, but there are rumours that trustees believed the venue did not make enough money.

I was being stupid. My best mate is Jamaican Tube worker Martin Aitken attempts to make amends after being suspended for posting racist messages on Facebook

HYDE PARK GETS 21 WEMBLEY PITCHES Hyde Park has been given a welldeserved makeover after the abuse it suffered thanks to summer concerts and Olympic events last year. The equivalent of 21 Wembley football pitches of turf will be laid across the park between the Serpentine and Speaker’s Corner, correcting damage caused by the footfall of punters attending 28 concerts hosted by the park in summer 2012. A downpour during the Wireless festival in July is believed to have done the park’s grass the most mischief. It is understood that concert promoter Live Nation is picking up the £1.5m bill.

ON THE TUBE CIRCLE: No service between Edgware

Road and Hammersmith all weekend.

DISTRICT: No service between East Ham and Upminster all weekend.

HAMMERSMITH & CITY: No service

between Moorgate and Barking all wknd.

JUBILEE: No service between Stanmore

and West Hampstead all weekend.

METROPOLITAN: No service between

Harrow-on-the-Hill and Aldgate all wknd.

NORTHERN: No service between

Edgware and Camden Town until 0845 on Sunday.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Students asked to take coke King’s College London sends email invite to take part in research Hundreds of students have been sent an email inviting them to try cocaine as part of a study into the drug by King’s College London. The project aims to develop a better understanding of how the Class A drug – taken by an estimated 700,000 people in Britain last year – affects the body. The email reportedly invited undergrads and postgrads to “take part in a clinical study involving nasal administration of cocaine”. Rules stipulated that students who did take part should not normally use drugs recreationally. Students studying medicine or dentistry were also barred from taking part in the study. It also appears that students who do take part will be paid for their services. A copy of the email reproduced by The

Huffington Post read: “Reasonable financial compensation will be made for your time, effort and expenses incurred from completing the study.” The scientists running the research will aim to investigate a range of physical effects on the body caused by cocaine use. A spokesman for King’s College told the London Evening Standard: “All the relevant ethical approvals were received for this study. The study will be conducted under the highest level of medical supervision in a dedicated clinical research suite. Further information about the NHS ethical approval process, which was followed, is available on our website.” One student tweeted after receiving the email: “You can’t be serious... can you? Just checked my email. I...er...wow.”

THIS WEEK IN LONDON... Gain a unique insight into London’s past at the Poster Art 150 exhibition, now on at the London Transport Museum. Part of the celebrations to commemorate the Tube’s 150th anniversary, the show features 150 of the best posters commissioned for the Underground over more than a century. Posters were designed for a range of purposes, from simply encouraging people to use the Tube more, positing it as a ‘trendy’ thing to do, to teaching etiquette underground (we reckon many of those posters would still come in handy today). The posters also provide a feel for the times they were designed in, from the Sixties’ obsession with sci-fi to the days when Golders Green was considered a lush slice of suburbia. More info and show times at ltmuseum.co.uk.

A cheeky design from 1987

Photos: © TfL from the London Transport Museum collection; Thinkstock

THIS WEEKEND’S CLOSURES/WORKS

Weird science: the “nasal administration” of cocaine in action. Students, take note

ANGLO PACIFIC SHIPPING & TAX 30th Anniversary OVER 500,000 SATISFIED CUSTOMERS HAVE ALREADY TRUSTED THEIR POSSESSIONS TO ANGLO PACIFIC, LONDON’S LEADING SHIPPERS EXCESS BAGGAGE > Free supply of tea cartons and bubble > Free delivery/collection within M25 > By sea/air/road worldwide > Money Back Guarantee HOUSEHOLD REMOVALS > Free home survey, no obligation > Packed by skilled professionals > Shared or exclusive containers > Motor car/bike specialist shippers TAX REBATES > Average refund £963 secured last year > Online Tax Pack, only 10% commission MONEY TRANSFERS > Competitive exchange rates FINANCIAL PROTECTION > Bonded by the British Association of Removers > Bonded by the Association of Tax Agents > FIDI Accredited International Mover

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When art met food: The Art of Dining’s Alice Hodge (left) and chef Ellen Parr

Pop goes the diner London’s new wave of theatrical pop-up dining shows no signs of slowing down. Here are the experiences not to miss Words LAURA CHUBB Why go out to dinner in a boring old restaurant when you could be served a five-course feast in a surrealist casino? Or go deep-sea dining in a submarine mess hall? All this and more has been brought to Londoners by Gingerline, the cult Kiwi-helmed outfit responsible for making immersive pop-up dining a trend set to take over the city in 2013. “When you’ve got a captive audience, why not give them more than just dinner?” asks Suz Mountfort, the Christchurch-born co-founder of Gingerline. Along with friends Kerry and Syd, Mountfort has been doing just that, and changing the face of London’s foodie scene in the process. Here’s how it works: guests book without knowing where or what they’ll be eating. An hour before dinner starts, they receive a text message telling them where to turn up, with only the guarantee that it’ll be a stop on the Overground, or ‘gingerline’. As punters make their way to the secret location, Mountfort and her team will be putting the finishing touches to whatever elaborate concept they’ve masterminded, using performance, bespoke artworks and interior design 8

tntMagazine.com

to create an alternate reality. This ‘on the hoof’ approach comes with its pros and cons – Mountfort reveals that at one event held in a fancy dress shop, she spoiled the main course in their makeshift kitchen 20 minutes before the guests arrived. “We thought we had an oven with six burners, but didn’t realise until the night that only two worked,” she remembers. “But when no one knows what’s on the menu anyway, they can’t be disappointed if it changes at the last minute!” Crushingly, Mountfort is packing up the project at the end of March to go travelling and then return to Sydney, where she lived for five years before moving to London. Her plans for the future are fluid: “Maybe we’ll set up a Gingerline thing over there, or there’s the opportunity to bring it back here later in the year,” she muses. Still, the gap left by Mountfort and co. can be competently filled by The Art of Dining, which has been gathering legions of fans since first popping up 18 months ago. Set designer Alice Hodge and chef Ellen Parr also create theatrical dining experiences in different spaces; this month’s ‘Eat Your

Heart Out’ transported guests back to the Victorian era, with actors giving lessons in Victorian romance. “We’ve nailed a good formula,” Hodge responds when asked why she thinks the enterprise has taken off so quickly. “There are interesting locations, theatrical set designs and amazing food, and we really invest ourselves in it. We’re not in it for a quick buck, and people appreciate that.” The project has become a full-time job, however. At the start, Hodge was working as a PA, but got so preoccupied with the event designs she outsourced her job to a friend, who emailed her work over at the end of each day. She’s since quit as a PA, which she admits makes a lot more sense ... Does that whet your appetite for more quirky eats? Read on. MORE POP-UP & IMMERSIVE DINING ›› Places are still available at Gingerline events on March 19-23 and March 27-29. 7pm. £50. gingerline.info Join The Art of Dining’s mailing list to receive details of the next pop-up. Tickets are £50. theartofdining.co.uk

GATHER UP YOUR FRIENDS FOR 2013! GROUP DEALS FREE SPOT FOR GROUP ORGANISER*

Laugh it up: Gingerline’s surrealist casino dinner

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DISAPPEARING DINING CLUB ACROSS LONDON

PORTUGUESE CONSPIRACY dALSTON

On the first Saturday of every month, there’s dinner and late-night dancing courtesy of this cracking supperclub – in a secret location, of course, and with DJs playing late into the night. Also try their intimate Back In 5 Minutes dining room, hidden behind Ante clothes shop at 224 Brick Lane. Booking essential.

This new supperclub launches on Thursday at furniture-shopcum-cafe L’Atelier Dalston, promising to “contaminate London with Portuguese contemporary culture” – its art, music, design and, most importantly, food and wine. There’ll be five courses matched with vino.

£55

Next event March 2 Secret location TBC disappearingdiningclub.co.uk

£40

Feb 28, 7.30pm 31 Stoke Newington Rd, N16 8BJ Dalston Kingsland theportugueseconspiracy.com

PIPSDISH ISLINGTON The lease keeps getting extended on this pop-up restaurant set within an old Citroën garage – we assume because it’s so damn good. The space is sparsely decorated but that’s all part of the charm, and the £30 for three courses Sunday lunch deal – plus BYOB – is a steal. Expect menus based around seasonal fare. Booking essential. £30

Thurs, 7.30pm; Fri & Sat, 7.45pm; Sun, 12.45pm 133B Upper Street, N1 1QP Angel; Highbury & Islington pipsdish.co.uk

BOOTLEG BANQUET EAST LONDON This sometime supperclub has been going for four years now, popping up sporadically to offer a four-course Italian-inspired menu by candlelight. It’s BYOB. £45

DEATH BY BURRITO SHOREDITCH Immersive dining outfit The Rebel Dining Society has popped up this Mexican grill and cocktail bar in east London watering hole Catch. No word on when it’ll be popping down again, but you’d be a fool to miss out on its experimental tequila cocktails and duck burritos, so be sure to pay a visit while you still can. You can get in without a reservation (in theory), but be prepared to share a booth with other diners as it gets packed. A meal with drinks should set you back about £25pp. £25

Mon-Sat, 5pm-10pm 22 Kingsland Road, E2 8DA Shoreditch High Street deathbyburrito.com

tntMagazine.com

March dates TBC Unit 6, The Huntingdon Estate, corner of Chance Street and Whitby, E1 6JU Liverpool Street pestleandmortarcatering. blogspot.co.uk

EAT THE WORLD EAST LONDON A series of thematic pop-up kitchens, with a different chef each week and accompanying music, guest speakers and digital installations at ‘experimental centre’ Lime Wharf. £55

March 6-8, 13-15 & 20-22, 6.30pm Vyner Street, E2 9DJ Bethnal Green Cambridge Heath limewharf.org

after hours dessert bloomsbury If you’ve got a sweet tooth, this is the pop-up supperclub for you. Appearing in coffee shops across the city now and then, you can try a three-course dessert menu for £20 or a dessert, coffee and petit four for a tenner. £10+

March 8-9 & 22-23, 8pm-11pm 40 Store St, WC1E 7DB Goodge Street afterhoursdessert.com

sugarhouse studios

STRATFORD

This regular Sunday event serves up two courses and a mystery movie for £15. The studios are currently closed for refurbishment, but join the mailing list for updates. £15

Sundays, 7pm 107 High Street, E15 2QQ Pudding Mill Lane sugarhousestudios.co.uk

THE FORAGERS AT DEAD DOLLS CLUB dalston While not strictly a pop-up, this is a meeting of minds borne of London’s pop-up movement. The Foragers – or Gerald and George to their mums – cook wild food they’ve hunted and gathered, and are now the resident chefs at Dead Dolls Club (above), a former design studio turned pop-up experiential dining outfit that has now opened up a permanent space. It’s a ‘small plates designed to share’ deal, with the likes of pigeon kebab and BBQ sauce starting at £6.50. £13+

Wed & Thur, 6pm-12.30am; Fri & Sat, 5pm-3am; Sun, 1pm-11pm 428 Kingsland Road, E8 4AA Dalston Junction thedeaddollsclub.com

BACKYARD CINEMA shoreditch

THE ARTIST DINING ROOM bethnal green

This temporary secret cinema in the attic of Beach Blanket Babylon offers a limited number of deluxe meal tickets, bagging you a two-course meal and wine or beer before the screening at 8pm. The next three events are sold out, but you can join the mailing list to get updated on the next lot. £10+

£30 This rather highbrow dining club invites you to “engage with the ideas of a well-known artist through food”. The menu is designed bearing the “fundamental, social and intellectual content of the artist’s work” in mind, and the three-course meal is accompanied by a talk about the artist’s work. Er, eek. Next dinner April 4, 7pm 1 Andrews Road, E8 4QL Bethnal Green guestprojects.com

Future screenings TBC 19-23 Bethnal Green Road, E1 6LA Shoreditch High Street backyardcinema.co.uk

MILE HIGH west london These immersive dining events promise to whisk you away on a ‘city break’, welcoming you first to a ‘departure lounge’ with cocktails and canapes, before you’re taken to a themed dining room and a four-course meal. The first ‘break’ is Gothenburg, serving Scandinavian delights (think char-grilled elk) in a Swedish-inspired setting. £65

March 13-16 & 20-23, 7pm Secret location TBC dinemilehigh.com

SPIT AND ROast SHOREDITCH

BACKDOOR KITCHEN bermondsey

This awesome street food outfit is popping up in The Princess Alice pub until March. Best known for their tear-inducing buttermilk fried chicken, they also do a devastating line in pork belly and rotisserie chicken.

A ‘secret foodie extravaganza’, this perennially popular supperclub, run by ‘the chef and the slave’, offers five courses, a ‘secret dessert’ and good company in a cosy southeast London flat. Sign up to receive updates.

Thur-Sun, 6pm-11pm. Until March 40 Commercial Street, E1 6LP Aldgate East spitandroast.tumblr.com

Next date TBC Provided upon booking Bermondsey backdoor47.wordpress.com

pop up tuesday WESTMINSTER

BURGER MONDAY BAYSWATER

Hospitality students at Kingsway College create three different pop-up restaurants to feed the paying public. Menus range from ‘traditional’ to ‘technicolour’.

For one night only, this oyster bar will transform into a burger bar, only the burgers will contain – well, oysters. The price includes three courses and a glass of red, and sittings are limited to 90 minutes.

£7+

WIGWAMBAM! east london This heated rooftop wigwam at the Queen of Hoxton (above) is a regular winter pop-up offering a cosy setting for some outdoor BBQ action. Fairylights and a fire pit will warm your cockles as you order up a feast of red meat, from whole lamb, hog roast and haunches of venison to wild boar sausages and burgers, all served with gravy and stuffing. Even better, you can wash it all down with a toasty tipple, namely their hot buttered rum. What are you waiting for? Get freaky in the tipi.

Photos: Emli Bendixen; Sophia Schorr-kon; Oleg Tolstoy; Organic Sounds; Dan Spinney; Addie Chinn

£5+

Mon-Sat, 5pm-10pm, until March 31 1-5 Curtain Road, EC2A 3JX Liverpool Street queenofhoxton.com

£30

March 5, 12 & 19, 6pm 76 Vincent Square, SW12 2PD Victoria popuptuesday.wix.com/ popuptuesday

£30

£36.50

March 25, from 6.30pm 8 Porchester Gardens, W2 4DB Bayswater lecafeanglais.co.uk

PORTSIDE PARLOUR east london Last but not least, we’ve selected a pop-up that, while it doesn’t include food, is simply too cool to exclude. Patrons enter this temporary rum club via, um, a toilet (above). Pull the dunny chain and a super-sexy speakeasy will be revealed, with red leather sofas, candlelight, oil lamps and an inevitably achingly trendy clientele all crammed in. Angostura rum is the drink of choice (well, it’s not really a choice, cos it’s the only drink available). Slated to stay until May. £7+

Mon-Fri, 5pm til late; Sat-Sun, 4pm til late 63-65 Broadway Market, E8 4PH Haggerston portsideparlour.co.uk

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MYLONDON

Need to send money between UK and home?

alistair davis

Managing Director, Try Tag Rugby What baffles me about London is that the Olympics’ so-called sporting legacy doesn’t extend to floodlit sports pitches! There is an appalling shortage of them in inner London and a ton of people wanting them. London’s best-kept secret is the south bank between Waterloo and London Bridge. There are tons of hidden pubs, bars and restaurants and so much history, some of it gruesome – such as Cross Bones, the prostitutes’ burial ground on Red Cross Street. When I want to chill out I generally don’t get much further than the couch or gym. But if I’m looking to properly chill out, I get out of London and go travelling, ideally heading for a beach or mountain in Europe. The most interesting person I’ve met is my colleague Phill Browne at Try Tag Rugby. His life would make a fantastic soap opera, or maybe a sitcom, but with very bad jokes! Strangely we’re both from Sydney, both worked for Travelex and Qantas at the same time there but only met here in London. My favourite place for a drink is the Faltering Fullback at Finsbury Park, I can’t go past it. Hidden in the back streets, it has a quirky front bar, a massive back room for watching sport and a never-ending beer garden covered in greenery. The best place for a beer in London on a warm summer’s evening. For when you’re hungover in London I still go back to my Aussie roots so head to Westfield for a Boost Juice and previously Oportos at Victoria before it shut down – though it had nothing on Oportos at Cronulla!

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r Cheapee than th banks*

My perfect weekend would be a romantic trip to Europe with my girlfriend or a dash to Ireland for a Tag Rugby festival! I love the proximity to Europe. My biggest faux pas was whacking my head on the closing Tube train door whilst squeezing in on my way to my first day at my first job in London. I subsequently forgot this happened, and spent the whole morning meeting my new colleagues with a big black mark across my forehead. A few people wondered if I followed some strange religion! Five words that sum up London are ... opportunity, history, culture, fun and pubs!

0870-898 8996 tntforex.com *Source: 1st Contact survey of UK high street bank charges, April 2008.

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22/02/2013 16:45:57

LONDON’S BIGGEST FREE TRAVEL SHOW Saturday March 9 & Sunday March 10

Show Bar

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LONDONDRINKS

THE 3 MONKEYS

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Low-level lighting: Balham’s ace new bar

BAR

This recently opened cocktail bar on a side street in south London’s trendy Balham combines top cocktails with a chilled out party vibe. The low-level lighting, high-standing tables and some comfy and cosy booths make it great for both couples and larger groups. It also has karaoke in the Monkey Lounge – in association with London’s premier karaoke provider Lucky Voice – which can be hired out for parties, too. THE GRUB Sharing platters are available from Tajine restaurant next door, including chicken skewers, grilled lamb kefta, and mechouia dip with coriander (all £7.50). THE SCENE

With more than 75 cocktails on the menu you are spoiled for choice. There are the regulars – Manhattan, margarita, etc – as well as premium cocktails and house specials. I try the Dark and Stormy (dark spiced rum, lime juice, ginger beer) and the Mexican Dusty & Spicy (tequila, Cointreau, cinnamon with a very spicy Tabasco kick), the former outstanding and serving as a ‘warm-up’ for the latter’s fiery onslaught. My partner opts for the less palette-burning Monkey’s Nuts, a Monkey Shoulder whisky sour, and the classic mojito. Both are stunning. BILL PLEASE Cocktails are very reasonably priced here, from £7 upwards. There is also a two-for-one happy hour from 4pm-8pm during the week and all day on Sundays. VERDICT Great cocktails, vibe and price – it’s a top venue for a big night out. AM BEHIND THE BAR

5 Fernlea Road, SW12 9RT

the3monkeysbar.co.uk

3 OF THE BEST WINTER PUB GARDENS

Balham

THE FLASK

THE WATER POET

THE GARDEN GATE

This 17th-century pub in cosy Highgate Village boasts one of London’s best beer gardens, with lots of flowers, foliage and fairy lights giving it a classic English country garden feel. Heaters keep it warm in winter.

The walled beer garden at the back of this Spitalfields boozer is huge, with a covered marquee on the decking and a generous peppering of gas heaters keeping things snug. Plus, they sell Little Creatures.

Right next to Hampstead Heath, this cute 19th-century drinking hole has a lovely green garden in which to sip on specialty brews, including offerings from Camden Town, Sierra Nevada and Brooklyn Brewery.

theflaskhighgate.com

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BITE SIZE

Deluxe: get spoiled Greek family style

TIPPLES WITH A TWIST Everyone seems to be talking about BYOC at the moment, a brand-new cocktail bar in Covent Garden with an innovative twist. The concept is this: bring your own bottle of spirit, pay £20 on the door and the bartender will mix your drinks for the duration of your two-hour sitting with the help of his fancy mixers trolley (think syrups, juices, spices, herbs, etc). It’s reservations only, of course, but well worth getting yourself on the list. byoc.co.uk

As greek as it gets rum revolution While we’re on bars that people can’t stop chattering about, the new Rum Shack underneath Soho’s Floridita is bringing Cuban vibes to the lives of gloom-shy Londoners this month. With palm trees, neon lighting, rum barrel tables and one of the most extensive rum selections in Europe, it’s sure to bring you some sunshine. floriditalondon.com

Photos: floriditalondon.com

cocktails for a cause Feel better about your Saturday night out and go drinking cocktails for a good cause at City eatery Cinnamon Kitchen’s adjoining bar, Anise, on March 9. There’ll be an auction, pink cocktails and live music, with a voluntary donation on the door going towards the efforts of organiser Jessica Parr, who is fundraising for Breast Cancer Care. The bar has recently undergone a swish refurbishment and offers spice-infused cocktails and bar snacks with an Indian twist (think Punjabi fish fingers). The event kicks off at 7.30pm – rock up, drink up, then give yourself a pat on the back.

GREEK

A short saunter from Earl’s Court tube, this modern but cosy restaurant has a distinct family vibe – the walls and menus are covered with photos of owner Dimitris Karonis and his loved ones. Though southwest London is never going to substitute the delights of a seafront taverna on a warm Greek island, As Greek As It Gets comes mighty close with its welcoming and friendly staff. The dining area is split over two levels with a balcony overlooking downstairs. The name may make it sound a little like a high street chain, but the food speaks for itself. The grub As Mr Karonis assures us, the ingredients are sourced from his homeland while the family recipes are cooked by Greek chefs. For starters, mini mousakas are melt-in-the-mouth delicious and the feta cheese wrapped in filo with ouzo and honey are sensational. Garides Saganaki, an unusual mix of prawns, aniseed, feta and tomato is exceedingly tasty. The balls of lamb mince fried in bulgur wheat with yoghurt for dipping, known as Keftedes Pligouri, are also delightful. Beef slow-cooked in honey and red wine for four hours could well be one of the most decadent things you’ve ever tasted. The swordfish skewers with tartar sauce and rice is also excellent and authentic. For those not that keen on meat, there’s an aubergines with grilled tomato, feta and basil starter, or spinach with rice and feta as a main. And for the less adventurous, there’s burgers and BBQ chicken. Order from the a la carte menu, set menu (£15.90 for three courses) or platter options. THE SCENE

Authentic wines and spirits from Greece include Imixiros red/white wine (£18 a bottle) and Agiorgitiko red wine (£29 a bottle); Mythos beer (£4.50 a bottle). Plus, Asahi draft for £5 a pint. Or get a bottle of Ouzo for £38. Bill please Starters range from £1-£7.50; a chef’s selection platter of meze is £30; mains between £4.10 for a wrap and £14.95 for swordfish. verdict Exceptionally good service, value and quality, delivering incredibly indulgent Greek food with some real surprises – well worth a visit. dan thorne Behind the bar

cinnamon-kitchen.com/anise 233 Earl’s Court Road, Earl’s Court, SW5 9AH

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St Patrick’s Day

Party In association with

Date: Sunday 17th March 2013 Venue: Elk Bar, Fulham Time: 12noon till 12 Midnight Tickets: Free Entry Pre register: to claim a free Elk Irish Punch before 2pm

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One man band: Four Tet dances to his own beat

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BILBAO BBK LIVE

FOUR TET Heaven, WC2N 6NG THURS, FEB 28 | DOORS AT 7PM | £15.50

This ace festie, on a hill overlooking the northern Spanish city of Bilbao, celebrates its eighth year with a great line-up. Headliners are electrokings Depeche Mode, southern rockers with the flaming loins Kings of Leon and San Fran punk rockers Green Day. There’s also Biffy Clyro, Editors, Fatboy Slim and more, including loads of ace homegrown acts. Top quality fun in the sun. Kobetamendi Park, Bilbao, Spain. Jul 11-13. £90 (including camping and booking fee)

Four Tet is an odd one to surmise, his own particular blend of musical magpieism taking him through hip-hop, indie, dance, funk, pop, you name it, which he then distills into his own abstract-ish live electronica. Danceable indie, or indie-ish dance, but more far-reaching than both of those sound. You follow? The south London-born Tet, aka Kieran Hebden, started out in post-rock outfit Fridge, making a clutch of recordings, before then realising that there was more to music than just guitars and embarking on tearing up the template and genrebased approach for a style that was more ambitious and unexpected. How so? His first single as Tet, Thirtysixtwentyfive, was thus named because that is how many minutes and seconds it ran to. It wasn’t playlisted on Radio 1. This ‘create what I want’ stance has stuck. So while he opened for Radiohead on their 2003 tour (forming a strong bond with Thom Yorke and the boys) and has remixed for the likes of alt-folk duo Tegan and Sara and tea cosy fan Badly Drawn Boy, he also likes to attempt the less conventional, such as performing an improvised gig, as he did in London and Paris in 2005 with jazz drummer Steve Reid. Despite – or perhaps because of – his mantra, he’s put together a sterling career that’s seen him release a sixth album, Pink, last August, which was yet another post-rock-meets-electronica record that received universal critical acclaim. Taking to the stage at Heaven you can guarantee he’ll delve into every corner of his impressive body of work, and the show will be totally captivating.

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NEW BAND

of monsters and men GIG Mar 5-7. 7.30pm £16

Nu-folk has swiftly become a dirty word, but Icelandic alt-folk popsters show it shouldn’t be so. Debut My Head Is An Animal hit number three on the UK charts, and is laden with offbeat yet catchy-as-fuck kookiness that’s seen them line up this trilogy of west London shows. Sure to be all over the festival scene this summer.

Photos: Jason Evans

Shepherd’s Bush Empire W12 8TT Shepherd’s Bush o2shepherdsbushempire.co.uk

the date 1st birthday: tony humphries

electric minds: dimensions warm up

CLUB

sat, mar 2. 9.30pm-5am £18+

sat, mar 2. 10pm-6am £12.50

“I like to stay two or three weeks ahead of the competition,” says house music legend Tony Humphries of his remarkable ability to stay ahead of the curve. He’s toured and held residencies the world over, worked with some of the biggest names in the biz, and plays a very special five-hour set here.

Electric Minds and Broken & Uneven teamed up for last year’s The Hydra, a series of 12 events staged across London, and they’re back for a new run of top parties in 2013. First up is house producer Motor City Drum Ensemble, with Efdemin and Dolan Bergin, at this Dimensions Festival warm-up event.

The Loft Studios 77-87 Scrubs Lane, NW10 6QU  Kensal Green residentadvisor.net

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Moxafrica: fundrasing show

dj sneak album launch

melody’s echo chamber

GIG

CLUB

GIG

weds mar 6. 7pm £30

fri, mar 1. 10pm-7am £10+

tues, mar 5. 7.30pm £10

Rock critic and author Neil McCormick puts on this fundraising show in aid of Moxafrica, a charity supporting Africans with tuberculosis. David Gray, Aussie Gabriella Cilmi and The Magic Numbers have all signed up, with special guests and the chance to win a pair of Bono’s sunglasses. Remember to give generously.

House pioneer DJ Sneak, who’s been defining and re-defining his genre for 15 years, plays this extra-special show to launch the album I’m A House Gangster. He began DJ-ing in 1983, has influenced everyone from Daft Punk to Armand Van Helden, and this is the only place outside of the summer fests to see him in London this year.

Parisian songstress Melody Prochet is a purveyor of blissed-out dreamy-pop sounds spiked with psychedelic retro flourishes and shoegaze’s laid-back cool. Her self-titled debut was released last autumn to critical fanfare when she played a show-stopping gig at Cargo. If you missed her then, don’t be a fool a second time.

Islington Assembly Hall Upper Street, N1 2UD Highbury & Islington assemblyhall.islington.gov.uk

Egg 200 York Way, N7 9AX egglondon.net

Scala 275-277 Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL King’s Cross scala-london.co.uk

King’s Cross

doldrums The buzz so far This 22-year-old Toronto native noise-and-beats maker (aka Aaron Stern) boasts a low-fi, genre-pilfering mash-up of sounds and attitudes. Debut Lesser Evil is influenced by his transient lifestyle – he’s lived in Montreal, New York and Baltimore, putting on parties and DJ-ing. “You need to be able to adapt to any setting – a dance club, a rock band, a kitchen, an art space,” he says. Pieced together on a smashed-up Macbook, Evil’s samples, beats and electronica is a diverse statement of intent. The Critics say “An excellent debut” Supajam.com the plug Lesser Evil out Feb 25 on Souterrain Transmissions. He plays Rough Trade East, Feb 26, 7pm. FREE. E1 6QL Aldgate East endlessdoldrums.com

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Perfect match: hit the slopes by day and party by night at Snowbombing

st patrick’s day party with shamrocker Come to Elk Bar in Fulham on St Paddy’s Day for proper Irish craic!

snowbombing 2013 with tnt april 1-6, mayrhofen, austria

TNT Magazine is teaming up with Austria’s awesome Snowbombing 2013 festival to offer exclusive deals to readers. Combining the best of Mayrhofen with blue skies, black runs and white-hot parties, the week-long event on April 1-6 boasts perfect slopes by day and world-class entertainment by night. It’s going to be epic and almost certainly a sell-out. But you could be staying less than 10 minutes’ walk from the main venues when you book our exclusive Snowbombing deal to stay at the TNT Village. Dorm beds, including a Snowbombing wristband, start at £314pp, while double or twin rooms with a Snowbombing wristband are from £329pp. To take advantage of our exclusive TNT Village offer and more on Snowbombing 2013, see

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There’s a live band and house DJ until late, sport on the big screen and Guinness at £3.50 a pint til 5pm, plus Baby Guinness shooters (£3), Irish cocktails (£4.95) and St Patrick’s burgers. Entry is free and Shamrocker will be running giveaways all day with a special prize for the best-dressed, so come as something Irish. Pre-register online for a free drink on entry. Elk Bar, Fulham, March 17, from 12pm 587-591 Fulham Rd, SW6 5UB tntmagazine.com/stpatricks

SAVE THE THE DATE: DATE: SAVE TNT travel show 2013

Register for London’s largest FREE two-day travel show, exclusively for 18 to 39s, on March 9 and 10! There are only 3500 free tickets available per day so get in quick. Business and Design Centre, Islington, March 9 and 10 52 Upper Street, N1 0QH tnttravelshow.com

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22/02/2013 16:07:42

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Sharon Rooney

The 24-year-old Glaswegian on starring in E4’s hit show My Mad Fat Diary, and why stand-up is so much harder than acting INTERVIEW alasdair morton

How did you feel when you won the role of Rae Earl in My Mad Fat Diary? All my auditions were in London with the casting director, Jane Ripley, and it was a long process. I had to do four or five auditions. I couldn’t believe I’d got the part. Even now, I have to pinch myself that I’m actually playing Rae! How important was it that the show portrayed Rae’s journals and mental illness with honesty? It was really important, and not just to me. I didn’t want someone who’s been through the struggles Rae has, or is currently going through it, to be thinking: “That’s not what it’s like.” It was important to make Rae as real and believable as possible. Do you feel a responsibility to how people react to the show? It would be naive to say I didn’t, of course I do. The people who have tweeted me or sent messages have all been extremely kind. It’s been overwhelming. They feel Rae is someone to look up to. If she can get there, they can get there, too. Most importantly, the majority have said how they no longer feel alone. Rae struggles with body image issues – are we too preoccupied with looks? I think sometimes we can be. It’s nice to take pride in our appearance, but looks aren’t everything. It’s good to make the most of what you’ve got and accept yourself. Some things you can change, some things you can’t. Sometimes we forget our good parts and focus on the flaws. We all have days where we think we look good, and days where we don’t. If I see someone when I’m out who looks great I’ll happily tell them! A little compliment can make someone who’s feeling low get a little spring in their step. Does TV promote an unhealthy idea of what ‘normal’ is to people of all ages? That’s not for me to say, everyone looks different. Some people are naturally thin the same way some people are built bigger. We should be aspiring to be the best we can be so it would be unfair of me to say that. I do think sometimes there’s a false idea of how people look on TV and in magazines. I think it would

Breakout: new comedy-drama My Mad Fat Diary is honest and heart-warming be nice to see a range of sizes and people on TV and in magazines. Realistically, if you walk down the street you see so many different shapes, sizes, haircuts and styles, so it would be good to see that reflected on screen. Sometimes the things you think make you ‘not normal’ are what other people love the most. How did you empathise with Rae? The beauty of Rae is that no matter who you are, you can empathise with her on some level. Everyone’s been 16. It’s a hard age! There’s a lot of hormones flying around and Rae is dealing with that, but also her personal issues. What was the most memorable day of filming on the show? The rave was a brilliant day. It was [one of] the last days the gang [Rooney and her five co-stars] would be together on set before we finished, so it was a wicked time. We all had a great day and because we had a real DJ it was like a proper party! Everyone was on great form, and the extras were all lovely, too. Being Glaswegian, how did you find Rae’s Lincolnshire accent? I hate saying this, but I didn’t find it hard. I really like doing accents, in fact I think it’s easier to do an accent because it gives you that little bit more separation between yourself and the character.

You’re a stand-up as well as an actress. How did you get started on stage? My best friend’s a stand-up comedian and she got me involved. I’d sometimes do things on my own, but it was mostly together as a double act. We had great fun and I’ve made some amazing friends on the Scottish comedy scene. It helps you laugh through the stressful times. I think it’s easier to do something that’s really sad, though, than to make a room full of people who don’t like you laugh. Stand-up is really hard! The show’s Nineties Britpop soundtrack is great – what music was big for you as a 16-year-old? The music’s brilliant, and I’m into a lot of it now. When I was 16, I mostly listened to whatever was in the charts or whatever everyone else had on. And I was really into musical theatre. You auditioned for Skins before. Do you feel not getting that was ‘meant to be’ so that you could do this show? I wasn’t up for a particular role – it was a kind of open casting. If I hadn’t gone, I might not have met Jane [Ripley]. My gran always says: “What is for you, won’t go by you.” And I think I believe her in that. My Mad Fat Diary – Series One is out on DVD February 25 through Channel Four DVD

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Gripping: Aussie actress Mia Wasikowska stars in Stoker

stoker FILM review by Alasdair Morton Starring: Mia Wasikowska, Nicole Kidman, Matthew Goode | 15 | 98mins | Out March 1

broken city FILM Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Russell Crowe | 15 | 109 mins

“There are some wars you fight and some you walk away from – this is the fighting kind,” says Russell Crowe’s NY mayor in this big city drama. Crowe’s the slimy politician, while Mark Wahlberg’s a cop-turned-PI hired to investigate his wife in this conspiracy thriller from director Allen Hughes (half of directing duo The Hughes Brothers of From Hell and The Book Of Eli fame). On general release Mar 1

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“We don’t need to be friends, we’re family,” Mia Wasikowska’s young India Stoker says to her exceedingly strange uncle Charlie (Matthew Goode) in Park Chan-wook’s fascinating thriller. It’s just as well. This family really can’t stand each other. Filmmaker Park (who was behind cult flick Oldboy – we worry for the US remake) makes his English language debut with this warring family tale. Grief, guilt, rape, incest, murder – it delves into the most violent actions and darkest human emotions, and does so with a none-darker sense of humour through the spiky, charged script, penned by Prison Break’s Wentworth Miller. The story is simple – Nicole Kidman’s widow is falling apart, and embarks on a reproachful relationship with Charlie, the long absent brother to her deceased husband, with Wasikowska the precocious daughter caught in the middle – but it is masterfully told. Park slots the pieces of the puzzle together superbly, displaying his technical superiority (sterling sound design, composition, recurring motifs) as motivations are revealed, actions concealed and back story unpacked. Goode is manipulatively creepy and the largely Aussie cast equally excellent: Jackie Weaver continues to enjoy her latter years career blossom; Wasikowska matures with every performance; and Kidman is reliably superb as the wine-guzzling mater (we can’t remember the last time we saw her smile on screen, though). It’s Park’s movie, however – he stamps his much celebrated style on Hollywood in what is a supremely fascinating and unrelenting thriller. Good for: Seeing that there’s no such thing as happy families.

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mat ricardo’s london varieties

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

Award-winning vaudeville and cabaret supremo Mat Ricardo, the ‘Derren Brown of juggling’, leads this variety night featuring, among others, magician John Archer and comedians Kev Orkian and Omid Djalili, the likes of whom Ricardo will also be interviewing on stage. Show runs on the last Thursday of each month. Leicester Square Theatre WC2H 7BX. Feb 28. £15 Leicester Square leicestersquaretheatre.com

extinction: not the end of the world

midnight tango

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

We’re always hearing about how many animals are becoming extinct every year – ‘Save the aardvark, there’s only 11 of them left in the whole world!’ This exhibition puts a positive spin on the removal of species from the planet, showing how it’s made way for new – and sometimes improved – critters and creatures.

TV’s Strictly fave Flavia Cacace and her partner Vincent Simone return with their slick two-hour, dialogue-free show in which a dark stranger attempts to lure Cacace away in a Buenos Aires bar. Accompanied by band Tango Siempre and a 10-strong ensemble, these dazzling dance champions show how it should be done.

Natural History Museum Cromwell Rd, SW7 5BD. Feb 8-Sep 8. £8 South Kensington nhm.ac.uk

Phoenix Theatre WC2H 0JP. Until Mar 2. £20+ Square midnighttango.co.uk

Leicester

kerrY godliman What will your set next week be all about? Sarcasm, exaggeration, child rearing, planned engineering works, hens … it’s about all of the usual stuff, really. Why is sarcasm known as the lowest form of wit? I have no idea at all why it is considered the lowest form of wit. It’s a national pastime here in the UK. We certainly think we’re good at it!

Photos: Jaap Buitendijk

What’s the best thing about being a stand-up comedian? The short shifts.

hansel and gretel: witch hunters

great expectations

FILM

THEATRE

Hansel and Gretel (Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton) survive a witch attack as children and set about leading a life as bounty hunters, killing all the broom-stick-flyers they can find in this Underworld-styled reinvention of The Brothers Grimm tale. A dark comedy update, there’s machine gun crossbows, demonic-looking witches, and all manner of carnage.

Though cut to just over two hours, this stage version of Charles Dickens’ lengthy 1860s-set novel – about an orphan summoned to Satis House to play with Miss Haversham’s daughter – still takes a long time to generate dramatic momentum. The gothic, cobweb-draped set is atmospheric but it’s a workmanlike production.

On general release Feb 27

Vaudeville Theatre WC2R 0NH. Until Jun 1. £25 Charing Cross greatexpectationstheplay.com

Where was your first gig and how did it go? It was in a pub in Islington. It went reasonably well, and was enough to get me hooked on stand-up from then on. What’s the funniest thing you have ever seen? My three-year-old dancing the robot. Who is your all-time favourite comedy idol? Woody Allen. Crack Comedy Wimbledon The Watershed, SW19 1SD. Mar 9. £11 South Wimbledon

crackcomedy.com

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In the family: Park, Wasikowska, Kidman and Goode pose at the London premiere of Stoker

Dark arts: director Park Chan-wook has made his career out of some seriously sinister flicks 26

TNT_1539_026 26

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22/02/2013 16:03:51

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Stoking the family fires The director behind cult flick Oldboy, Park Chan-wook, makes his Hollywood debut with Aussie-starring mystery-thriller Stoker words alasdair morton

Park Chan-Wook is the man behind the Vengeance trilogy, characterised by its vicious violence and, shall we say, unhappy characters – anyone who’s seen Oldboy (and the scene in which the lead actor eats a live squid in particular) can vouch for its myriad desperate souls. So when meeting the man in question to chat about his new movie, Stoker, a sinister Hitchcockian family mystery that features a roster of Aussie talent including Nicole Kidman and Mia Wasikowska, TNT is expecting to be intimidated. For him to be physically imposing maybe, or have a veiled threat lurking behind his eyes, perhaps … but how wrong could we be? Very, it turns out, as director Park is a warm, gregarious and thoroughly charming bloke, who speaks conscientiously about his new movie, and with a passion derived from being an all-out film fanatic. Stoker, Park’s ninth film, is his first foray into Hollywood, and his first English language flick to boot. So why choose to make the move Statewards now, and why with this movie? “My first impression was how quiet the script was and how it was not dialogue based – that was an advantage as my first English language film,” Park says of the screenplay written by Prison Break’s Wentworth Miller, but shopped to agents under a pseudonym. “But also how quietly frightening it was. To be quiet and frightening is rare to come across.” Stoker tells of the titular family, comprising recently widowed mother Evie (Kidman), who’s dousing her grief in wine, and her estranged daughter India (Wasikowska). Their lives are thrown into disarray by the arrival of the mysterious Uncle Charlie (a deliciously creepy Matthew Goode), brother to the six-foot-under family head. Moving into the remote family homestead, Charlie’s relationships with both Evie and India develop in ways they shouldn’t, and with unexpected results. Violence bubbles to the fore while India’s sexuality blossoms with her 18th birthday imminent. Life, for the Stokers, won’t be quite the same again. It’s a story that delves into murder, incest, rape and more as it unfolds so, for those familiar with Park’s work, it is easy to see why the script appealed. Park began making movies in the early Nineties but it wasn’t until 2000’s JSA: Joint Security Area that he hit paydirt, critically and commercially. Inspired by a love of film – he’s worked variously as an art and film critic in his native South Korea – and of Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo especially, he

embarked on his Vengeance trilogy – 2002’s Sympathy For Mr Vengeance and 2005’s Lady Vengeance, as well as the 2003 Cannes Film Festival Grand Prix-winning global smash Oldboy, in which a man is released back into the world after 20 years of unexplained solitary captivity and sets about finding out who was responsible for his incarceration and why. Oldboy, highly trumpeted by Quentin Tarantino among others, shares many similar thematic elements with Stoker

“

The script was quiet and frightening

”

– revenge, shady family relationships and especially Park’s stylised approach that sees him utilise visual motifs and sound as storytelling devices – and it was these that Park had set about working into the script once he signed on. ››

Hold still: Wasikowska and Park on set tntMagazine.com

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22/02/2013 16:03:54

Silence is golden: Park praised the classy, understated performances of the Stoker cast “I wanted the script to be one I could direct and make into my own,” he says, considering his words and responses with precision. “This process of tailoring the script was an imperative one and, because it’s an American film, I made sure there was nothing wrong with what I had written. I would write in Korean and then translate back into English and would then make sure with everyone – the cast, my wife – that due to the differences in language and custom nothing was inappropriate.” The film has a gothic and yet timeless look despite being set in the contemporary US, and the cast comprised a decidedly Aussie contingent, too, with Wasikowska and Kidman joined by Animal Kingdom’s Jackie Weaver as Aunt Gwinnie, a family member who suspects Charlie’s intentions are less than admirable. Despite another sterling performance by Kidman, it is Wasikowska who shines most, with yet another career milestone as the precocious India. “She’s an actress who’s not into overtly big expression,” Park says of the diminutive Canberra-born 23-year old. “She is restrained and that was the kind of actress needed to play the role. She appears quite closed off and there is a mystery about her, and she made a conscious decision only to show emotion when needed. Through this minimal approach she

TNT_1539_028 28

“

Kidman could have been very arrogant

”

vampire film Thirst, and was surprised to discover that Hollywood did not, as a rule, storyboard its movies, as this was a meticulous approach he himself had adopted after a producer told him it was how it was done in America. Despite these differences, Stoker is a hybrid in many ways: it’s a distinctly US-set film, but one that displays Park’s now trademark visual and aural flourishes – a sequence where India rolls hard boiled eggs on the kitchen table sees the sound of cracking shells slowly build until it dominates the score, in classic ‘Park’ menacing fashion. Up next, he’s producing fellow South Korean filmmaker Bong Joon-Ho’s sci-fi thriller Snowpiercer, starring Chris Evans and Jamie Bell – it’s The Host director Bong’s English language debut – before returning home. His relationship with Hollywood is but a nascent one, but one both will benefit from – he gets a new audience for his work and Hollywood’s movie gene pool a shot in the arm. And hopefully, he can continue his Down Under ties, too. ❚ Stoker is out March 1 through Twentieth Century Fox. Turn to P24 for our review of the film.

Photos: Getty; Macall Polay; Tartan Films

Full-on: from Park’s breakthrough writer-director success Oldboy

expressed something much bigger.” And what did he make of Kidman, an actress to whom he openly refers to as “a living legend”? “I thought she could have been very arrogant or look down on other people and want to do things her own way,” he admits. “I didn’t know what to expect. But she was nothing like that.” Collaborative, painstaking and patient, Kidman was a director’s dream, Park says. “Her attitude was that she was going to set an example and she thought it was her job to satisfy the director, nothing more and nothing less.” Moving across the Pacific saw Park forced to adapt to new approaches and processes. He had to shoot in 40 days as opposed to the 100 he’d taken for his last feature, the

tntMagazine.com

22/02/2013 16:03:57

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SPARETIME

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Tomb Raider

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A quick and easy one-stop for all your ticket news and gig purchases. FREE play.google.com

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On The Road DVD

Sam Riley and Garrett Hedlund star in this adaptation of Jack Kerouac’s hedonistic literary classic. £12.99 play.com

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App of the Week Kal Virtual trainer Android app

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

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Low overheads: Pop Up Fitness is cheap due to its low running costs

Making it pop Forget long-term brick and mortar, pop-ups are London’s trendiest new business model. Here’s how to start your own Words Daisy carrington Starting a business from scratch can be a chancy endeavour. For London’s budding entrepreneurs, pop-ups offer a short-term, risk-free taste of what’s involved. At the very least, they can help you build a reputation in your desired industry.

A mini start-up Compared to a full-time (and fullon) enterprise, pop-ups tend to offer more elasticity and lower overheads than traditional business models. Budding designers can eschew renting a storefront, and can instead test drive their products over a long weekend. Aspiring chefs can host monthly supper clubs in their home – an easier and cheaper alternative to investing in a restaurant. 32

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“More and more people are doing it, because it’s a lot easier, and a lot more flexible than opening up a permanent retail space,” notes Dan Calladine, the founder of the listings website London Pop-ups (londonpopups.com). “You don’t need to trade on a wet Tuesday, when no once fancies going out. You can just trade on a Friday night.” James Ramsden, who launched his supperclub, The Secret Larder (jamesramsden.com/the-secret-larder), at the beginning of the pop-up trend, admits that “it’s hard work”. Still, he says: “It’s not nearly as hard as it would be running a 20-cover restaurant every day for lunch and dinner.” Cathy Underwood, who launched Pop Up Fitness in Enfield’s Dugdale Centre (facebook.com/popupfitnessuk),

explains the temporary format is a lot more cost-effective than a long-term brick-and-mortar space. Pop Up Fitness set up in a renovated council-owned space that was going unused and, as a result, Underwood and her partner were able to get a discount on the hourly rate from the council. “We don’t have the enormous expenditures that a Virgin or David Lloyd has,” she says. “They have huge overheads and need to pay taxes, and get the numbers in, whereas we don’t. It’s very basic, and we don’t have lots of equipment, but we can charge £6 a class. People really appreciate that.”

Building a brand For businesses that are newly formed, setting up a short-lived space can be

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LIFESTYLECAREERS On the job Romy Westwood

Career Affordable Art Fair Director Age 33 Lives East London From Lancashire How did you get into your line of work? I was a practicing artist and worked for the art fair part-time. An opportunity came up, and they were bonkers enough to offer me a proper job!

Photos: Pop Up Fitness; The Secret Larder, James Mitchell

Side order: The Secret Larder

What do you do day-to-day? Chat to galleries and drink wine. I wish! Honestly? Anything and everything, from negotiating with suppliers to building whopping great marquees on Hampstead Heath to clearing out the bins!

Need a venue? Try pop-up mall Boxpark

a good way to attract The key to success become a stand-alone plenty of publicity. Location: Finding a short-term business. “It gives you a brand location need not be daunting. “A lot of people so people will look out Boxpark (boxpark.co.uk) is who do it seem to have for you,” Calladine London’s first pop-up mall, and other things going says, admitting a quirky often has spaces for rent, as on, either within the temporary venue makes does the Old Truman Brewery hospitality industry, or a better news story than (trumanbrewery.com). they’re paid writers. an ongoing boutique. Design: Presentation is key. If you Many do this as an He adds that for a need help in this department, you extra thing that they pop-up to be successful, might want to call in a professional. do,” Calladine says. the concept should be Firms Hot Pickle (hotpickle.co.uk) “I do make a profit instantly recognisable. and Prop Studios (propstudios.co.uk) on it, but I couldn’t “It’s like a oneare both well-respected outfits. make a living off of it,” minute elevator pitch,” Payments: You’ll need to be Ramsden admits. “But he says. “It needs to organised, so set up a mobile till it is helpful to have capture the imagination, with AirPOS (airpointofsale.com). a separate, regular and do so quickly.” income.” Ramsden adds he Getting started was spurred to start The Secret Larder both by his love of food and a desire to As is true in all professional ventures, network with foodie professionals. research is key. “I was starting out as a journalist, “Go to as many supperclubs as and thought it would be a good shop possible and see what people are window for my work,” he says. doing,” advises Ramsden for his sphere. Since launching, he has landed a Calladine recommends thumbing regular writing gig at The Guardian, through a copy of Pop Up Business and met his wife. For Dummies. “It tells you everything “The people I’ve met through you need to know about The Secret Larder has been the most starting a poprewarding part of setting it up,” up, and puts NEXT WEEK Ramsden says. you in the Health: How to Though they can bring in some right mindset keep your holiday decent pocket change, the pop-up to do it,” hiccup-free model is rarely lucrative enough to he says.

What’s the most challenging part? Creating a successful, fun event where visitors leave super happy having had a great day out and purchased their first piece of art. What’s the most challenging? The month before the fair I work all hours to make sure the event is successful, and deal with the demands of 100 galleries. affordableartfair.co.uk

How to... do a

skype interview Video interviews are becoming more commonplace. Make sure you avoid the common pitfalls.

• Eye contact is key in any

interview. As a result, make sure you give the camera, not the screen, your full attention.

• Close the door, turn off your

mobile and limit the chances of an interruption mid-interview.

• Presentation is key in any

interview. Dress up, do your make-up, and make sure the background is neat and distraction-free (clutter is a no-no).

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Looking for your next job? NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY

www.care24seven.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Live In/Out Carers Location: Across London – Head Office Chiswick 020 8912 4642 Salary: Fair rates of pay available

Dynamic Care Company is recruiting experienced LIVE IN & OUT carers within London.

You are expected to provide care to the elderly in their own home. We are currently recruiting carers who can be dynamic and have good communication skills. Work within the guidelines of the company policies e procedures.

CARE24SEVEN T: 020 8912 4642

Please forward your CV to max@care24seven.com

SILVERBACK EVENTS T: 0844 5617939 T: 07595021939 www.silverbackuk.com Silverback is a provider of premium support crew to production and AV companies within the event sector.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Crew Member Location: London (All Areas) Salary: £8.00 -15.00 per hour Silverback is looking for fit, intelligent, good communicators who can take direction from senior crewmen and clients. You need good social skills and impeccable punctuality and be prepared to work long & sometimes unsocial hours, Applicants must speak fluent English. Typical Duties: Loading / Unloading of vehicles, Rigging of AV equipment, Setting up and dismantling stage and set, Ensuring health & safety requirements are met, Liaising with clients in a professional manner. Jason@silverbackuk.com | 07712 829348

KATHMANDU www.kathmandu.co.uk Kathmandu is an established international brand offering quality outdoor clothing and equipment for travel and adventure

JOB OF THE WEEK: 3IC and Sales Assistants Location: New store – Kensington High Street, London Salary: On application You will be selling excellent products by delivering excellent customer service in our exciting new store. We are looking for proactive individuals with superior communication skills who enjoy a challenge and strive for success. jobs@kathmandu.co.uk

CLAPHAM REMOVALS T: 020 7924 9922 www.claphamremovals.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Operations Manager Location: London SW2 Salary: £competitive, dependent on experience.

Successful, established, and expanding professional removals business catering for both the domestic and commercial market.

Manage day-to-day business operations, organize daily schedule and workforce, convert enquiries into sales, and visit potential customers to quote for jobs. Experience in operational management and sales desirable. Valid driving license is vital. Lucy Moss | 020 7924 9922 | mail@claphamremovals.com

T: 0203 005 4963 www.beselectrecruit.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Office Furniture Fitters and Porters Location: London and the UK Salary: Per hour

Be Select is an agency who specialise in providing office furniture fitters and porters to the commercial relocation and furniture industry.

If you are physically fit and able to have a good time, then why not join our team of office furniture fitters and porters. You will have the opportunity to work in some of the most prestigious buildings in London, and travel the UK. Tools and CSCS are an advantage but not a necessity.

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22/02/2013 15:47:11

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cash-SAVING TIPS

how you spend it!

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my budget, as I’m only spending £30 a week on accommodation.

Make scents Want to smell like Jared xxxxxxxxx Leto? He is the face Xxxxxxxxxxx of Hugo Boss’s newest cologne, Hugo Red. You xxxxxxxxx can get a sample for Xxxxxxxxxxx free by filling out your deets and registering at xxxxxxxxx the Hugo Boss website, Xxxxxxxxxxx fragrances.hugoboss.com. In fact, you can choose xxxxxxxxx from a range of Hugo Xxxxxxxxxxx fragrances. Why stick to just one?

Photos: Getty

Budget BBC Who needs to interact socially when watching TV is so cheap? Especially now the BBC are having a sale on DVD box sets. Visit bbcshop.com and save up to 75 per cent on some of your favourite comedy and drama series. The sale runs while supplies last, so get clicking. Discount cleaning The Body Shop has loads of deals on sample-sized products on their website, bodyshop.co.uk/outlet. For example, get five of their best-selling minis for £5 (that’s like getting five for the price of one), or three body butters for £15. Now there are no more excuses for skipping out on your morning shower.

Do you have any tips for saving money in London? Drink at home before you go out. You’ll save a lot on your bar tab. Your last big blow-out? New Year’s Eve. I probably spent £150. Then again, I don’t really remember it.

Jack Franklin, 22 Job Hostel manager From Australia Lives Shoreditch

How do you budget? Living in a hostel really helps me to save money and leave more room in

What non-essential items do you spend money on? I probably spend an unnecessary amount of money on expensive food when eating out.

how THEY spend it! Home improvements William and Kate spent £1m renovating their Kensington Palace home. With 20 rooms, they can fit in a big family.

❚ Harrison Ford spent £159,000 renovating his last home. He hired 110 Architect, who designed the Armani stores in Manhattan’s Chelsea.

Nesting: Will and Kate’s residence is baby ready

❚ When the Obamas first moved into the White House, they spent £63,000 decorating their digs. The girls apparently opted for bedroom murals depicting English gardens.

❚ Not one to skimp in the kitchen, when Nigella Lawson bought an old Chelsea gasworks in 2010, she dropped £500,000 installing a state of the art cooking space. ❚ Before moving out of her LA home last year, Jennifer Aniston gave it a £9.5m eco-makeover. She added solar panels and droughtresistant plants.

tntjobs.co.uk WICKED VISION T: 0203 195 1565 www.wickedvision.co.uk A young, vibrant, independently owned and operated toy and game company based in London.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Toy Demonstrator Location: Central London (Hamleys, Harrods & The Science Museum) Salary: Basic day rate plus commission You will be demonstrating and selling toys in London’s top shopping and tourist destinations. You will have a flair for sales, a passion for toys and excel at customer service. Energy and enthusiasm are essential! Charles Williams | 0203 195 1565 | Charles@wickedvision.co.uk

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1539 FINAL Lifestyle Money.indd 35

22/02/2013 17:32:29

LIFESTYLEliving Home

Style .00

£18

Jonathan Adler bottle stopper Give peace a swig heals.co.uk

.50

£13

.75

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Finding a place to crash in London is something of an art. Let TNT be your guide Getting a decent room in a not too crappy place/area should be easy, right? Wrong. Sharehouse hunting in London is a bitch, as I knew too well and encountered again after my house got the better of me (a power cut when I was grossly hungover was the final straw) and I had to bail. It was always going to be a mission but, after choosing the place before on the people alone (they remain lovely but the house wasn’t for me), this time I vowed to do it right.

Know what you want

Joy of Ex pillow case Doublesided – for when he’s been a naughty boy culturelabel.com

.95

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Toy soldier book ends Your reading material’s never been so safe grahamandgreen.co.uk 36

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Share house hunt Words Michael gadd

Rory Dobner mug Crafted by one of the UK’s best artists – drink in the culture liberty.co.uk

My first London house hunt was time wasting personified. I didn’t know where I wanted to live – everywhere had ups and downs – so ended up traipsing about looking at places I’d never bother with now. This time, having looked at dumps and places out of my league before, I knew what I wanted and used landmarks and criteria to break the list down. I wanted to be within 30 minutes of my fave pub, which happened to be convenient for mates and a short hop from work. I also didn’t want to live with hipsters, teens, or in a place without a living room. What I did want was a home with decent kitchen storage space, and within a 10-minute walk of the Tube – I didn’t mind which direction. I also conceded, as anyone with a budget must, that I would have to compromise somewhere along the line. If you think about all of this stuff before you even start looking – same applies for those looking to fill a room – you’ll save everyone a lot of time.

Best flatmates: a happy household moves in Use a trusted avenue What we did before property websites was time-consuming chaos. Sites such as easyroommate.co.uk (“number one on the web”) and spareroom.co.uk (“the UK’s number one”), which I found most useful, are brilliant if you fully utilise their features, such as instant email alerts when a room within your criteria is posted. Their search functions are logical – commute distance from Tubes, travel zones, number of bedrooms, etc – and they give you a chance to show your personality and get an idea of who is advertising a room, provided they’ve taken the time to say. You can use them for free, but the perks of paying a small fee – jumping the queue, basically – is worth it if you’re struggling. Gumtree or Craigslist can be fine, and are free, but aren’t as closely monitored or easy to navigate as the others. You may get lucky with an old-fashioned “room for let” sign on a notice board, but be very wary of scams.

Be honest and specific My original Spareroom ad had the bare minimum detail and got a response it deserved, a stack of calls from pushy agents for dumps with no living room and where those who I’d be sharing with had no say in the process. Precisely what I didn’t want. Then I posted a photo and injected a bit of detail, such as likes and dislikes, where I’m from and that I’m not going anywhere else soon, and specified ‘no agents’ and a preference to meet those I may be living

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LIFESTYLEliving bEWARE sCAMS WHAT ROOM? If moving to London from out of town, at least have someone see the place for you. Think how easy it would be to post an ad with pictures and info, then consider a crook doing it. Never pay a deposit until you’ve seen and confirmed tenancy and terms. COVER YOUR ASS “Get everything in writing,” says London Letting Co agent Simon Gingell. “Keep a record of everything, from agreements made such as dates of moving in, costs, what’s included in ‘rent’.” Email yourself any info as soon as it’s exchanged, as if you get screwed, this could come in handy.

Photos: speedflatmating.co.uk; Thinkstock; Max Sendak

Superhero HQ: cartoon ads are effective with on inspection. The contacts flooded in. And this time, the vast majority were from people with something close to what I was looking for. But the best example of someone getting what they wanted from their ad was Max Sendak and his mates, who were looking to fill a room in Limehouse. It was cheap at £412pcm, so would be popular anyway, but their headline, “Billionaire vigilante seeks additional flatmate”, got extra attention. The rest of the ad was just as amusing, especially their most excellent graphic and superhero references (see illustration above). It also had good info about the three guys who lived there – selfdeprecating in a trendy kind of way. These guys were not my cup of tea at all, but from the ad alone I knew that – perfect result for both parties. As suspected, Sendak got a cracking response: “We found five people we’d have gone for in the end – so the decision-making process was tough.” They also posted a normal ad, but the wacky one got 10 times the interest and from “people who were more our type”.

People matter more than place There’s no substitute for meeting those who you could share a roof with. A great option to get face to face with a stack of possible flatties is Speed Flatmating, from the Spareroom crew, who run events every week for specific areas or a big one for Zones 1 to 3. The name says it all, it’s speed

Meet ‘n’ greet: try speed flatmating dating for flatmates, and isn’t for everyone, especially those who aren’t great at meeting strangers or who are going to spend all their time at home locked in their room. But this works as a first step for many, such as two girls who went searching for two rooms and left with a new best friend who they found a flat with as a trio a week later. See the panel on the right for this week’s meet-ups. If you go for the more conventional route, you must take advantage of every chance to extract info – emails, phone chats and when you inspect the place – in the nicest possible way. When there, casually ask if the sparkling inspection-ready kitchen is always like that or how the chores are split up – if it’s going to bother you later, find out if it exists now. When I walked into the place I’m in now I had all the info, liked the look of it and could apply right then. I hope you have the same level of luck. Or as they say in rejection emails (not that I’ve ever received a rejection email, ahem), “all the best in your search”.

CHEQUES/WIRED FUNDS If someone asks you to or offers to pay money through a money transfer company such as Western Union, don’t. This is a common scam. Also, criminals like to overpay with a cheque and ask you to refund the difference, but you never see their money. Don’t send money until you’ve got theirs.

meet flatties Tickets are still available for these Speed Flatmating events. West London: Tues, Feb 26. LaLa Brasserie, Hammersmith, W6 9DX. 7pm. Free. London Zones 1 to 3: Wed, Feb 27. Ruby Blue, SW14 8QR. 7pm. £3 on door, £2 in advance. Clapham: Wed, Feb 27. Gigalum, SW4 9DW. 7pm. Free. Notting Hill/Chelsea/ Kensington: Thurs, Feb 28. The Bumpkin, W11 1EA. 7pm. Free. speedflatmating.co.uk tntMagazine.com

WORLDVIEW

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Tough guy: LA Beast

la beast necks two jars of vegemite united states

A thin layer on warm toast is the usual way to consume Vegemite. However, in a bid to prove how tough Americans are, the ‘LA Beast’ has eaten two jars in a YouTube clip that’s gone viral. The Beast tells his viewers he wanted to “disprove the stereotype that Americans are not tough enough to eat the Australian national food”, before emptying the jars with a spoon and a surprisingly minimal amount of grimacing. One of the 40,000-plus people to have viewed the video wasn’t impressed: “I grew up with Vegemite and I love it but that was a fucking retarded thing to do. We Aussies know better than to try that.” tweets of the week @SturdyAlex It worries me that we live in an age when little girls will grow up wishing to be Kate Middleton instead of Hilary Mantel @StephenAtHome What’s so bad about horsemeat? My staff gets catered horsemeat every day and none of them complain. Also, staff, you’re eating horsemeat @AngryBritain Two fucking hours and they’re not showing the console? Go fuck yourselves Sony #PS4

‘everyting irie, evertin cris’ united kingdom

It’s such an unusual occurence on the London Underground, a video of an amusing Victoria line Tube announcer has gone viral. The man’s cool, friendly, laidback Caribbean attitude has proved popular with London commuters. 38

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Cheeky: more than 850 people shed their clothes for the inaugural Sydney Skinny – the first mass nude ocean swim in the city. The gentle 900-metre swim raised more than £100,000 for an upgrade project at Sydney Harbour National Park

In a clip posted on YouTube, the Underground guard can be heard saying: “This train is for all de Brixton crew. Service update, everyting irie, everyting cris. Chill out, kick back, no need let anybody cramp your style. Rastaman driver, take these beautiful people to their destination.” He then goes on to make reference to Nineties hip hop legend MC Hammer as passengers exit the station smiling. The video was shared on Facebook by William Baker, who commented “Victoria is officially London’s coolest station!” Check out the full video on tntmagazine.com, it’s seriously easygoin’ .

woman revives pigeon with cpr australia

When an injured bird stopped breathing, Gail Daniell didn’t get into a flap – instead, she gave the sick pigeon mouth-to-mouth. The volunteer with Fauna Rescue SA, a voluntary organisation that helps to care for sick animals, had been caring for the frail pigeon for four days. “Denis just stopped breathing and I didn’t even think twice – I just started CPR,” Daniell, who has looked after more than 50 birds, said. “I gave him probably three or four little breaths and pumped his chest a few times and he started to come back to life.” That’s serious dedication.

tntMagazine.com

22/02/2013 14:40:06

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 70

Per cent of women who have faked an orgasm to avoid hurting a partner’s feelings, according to a US study

Total number of people that applied for eight barista positions at a Nottingham branch of Costa Coffee

What a prick! Children of Poseidon in action

POSEIDON CHILDREN WANT JACKASS FAME

1701

Average weight, in pounds, lost by cheating women. Philandering men lost 6lbs, claims an online dating site

AUSTRALIA

Jumping naked on cacti, gluing their lips shut and setting each other on fire are some of the stunts carried out by a bunch of pranksters trying to become the next Jackass-like celebrities. The Children of Poseidon are three mates from Perth whose videos of their wince-inducing, eye-watering stunts have gained a huge following on the internet. Videos also feature the group launching themselves from shopping trollies, eating cat food and on one occasion, supergluing Daniel’s lips shut. “Our mates love it, local people love what we do and obviously at first our families were a little concerned but they realise now we aren’t giving it up anytime soon,” Michael, 18, said.

SENIOR CITIZEN’S BINGO BUST-UP

Photos: YouTube; Getty

AUSTRALIA

A bingo game at a senior citizens centre exploded into a brawl, after two ladies got involved in an argument over Avon cleaning products. Police officers in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, responded to a call describing “a bit of pushing and shoving” as two ladies becamed embroiled in a to-do. One regular bingo player was upset that another woman had set up a stall selling Avon products, which apparently

Number, in words, women speak more than men in a day as a US university study reveals the chattier sex

“No, you’re the scrubber” isn’t really in the spirit of the thing. Officers broke up the brawl only to be interrupted later to find one of the women wanted to press charges against the other.

MUM OF NOISY KID TOLD TO LEAVE PLANE NEW ZEALAND

A passenger says she was “humiliated” after being asked to leave an Air New Zealand flight because her son refused to settle down. Elena Volkova was travelling between Auckland and Christchurch, but when it came to trying to strap her two-yearold son into his seat, the young boy was refusing to comply. Volkova claimed she wasn’t given enough time to settle her young child and “he was likely to settle as soon as we got going”. But an airline spokesman said the problem was the child not being properly restrained in his seat and it was “unfair” to inconvenience other passengers.

13,000

QUOTE OF THE WEEK Hanging in mothballs Olivia NewtonJohn reveals where those iconic leather trousers are that she wore when she starred in Grease with John Travolta

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22/02/2013 16:51:57

TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: MICHAEL GADD michael.gadd@tntmagazine.com

In the dock: the world has a view on Oscar Pistorius before the trial’s begun

Should public be charged with the work of judges?

Photo: Getty

Justice or jury makes a big difference to how a case is played out The law is an ass, but it’s also quite useful when someone allegedly, apparently, reportedly does something naughty – but who is charged with deciding their fate impacts massively on the case itself, as the circus in South Africa has shown. But let’s start in London, where former Lib Dem MP Chris Huhne’s wife Vicky Pryce faced trial for copping his penalty points when he did 69mph in a 50mph zone. She’d been tried in front of a jury, who Mr Justice Sweeney dismissed after they asked a series of 10 questions which the judge said showed they had a “fundamental deficit in understanding” of its role. They included, “What is reasonable doubt?” What? Do these people not watch TV? As I understand it, as not a lawyer but a potential dopey juror myself, they have to decide, based only on what they hear in court, if she’s guilty or not. It’s Justice Sweeney’s role to help them grasp this. If this jury doesn’t get the picture, what’s to say any of them have a clue? Now the whole affair is going to a time and resource-sucking retrial. This is better than the alternative, though. In Pretoria, South Africa, where there aren’t juries, sports star Oscar Pistorius has spent since January 14 going through the media blender that’s allowed when there aren’t juries. As soon as a shred of news of the shooting of Reeva Steenkamp broke, every minute detail was reported. Now I love a headline, and even in tragic circumstances such as this it’s an addictive story with every element of the greatest Hollywood movie (minus the happy ending). Because judges are apparently ‘beyond prejudice’, the Saffa press (and amateur journos such as tweeters) aren’t bound by anything like the pesky Contempt of Court Act we have in the UK, which prevents the reporting of anything that creates a ‘substantial risk of serious prejudice’ – it’s much the same in Oz. In a bail hearing here we would have heard no more than the bare facts, none of the evidence we’ve heard so far. For many this trial is over before it’s begun – it hasn’t begun, by the way. What is in the public domain now, if wrong, will ruin a man’s life even more than it already has been. » Agree or disagree? Are court cases best decided by jurors? letters@tntmagazine.com

PRINCESS IS A DOLL, A BIT LESS SPINDLY Yes, that headline is a comment about Princess Catherine’s physical appearance. It could be interpreted several ways, but I’m basically saying that at the moment, she appears quite attractive (a doll) and not as slender (or spindly) as she’s seemed before. I wanted to say she looks hot there, but was told, “That’s wrong, she’s pregnant!” I think that’s wrong, but anything I say further will sound creepy. There was outrage last week when Hilary Mantel, a writer of esteem, called her “a jointed doll on which certain rags were hung” and talked about “the spindles of

“

Mantel’s saying we should lay off Kate

”

her limbs” being “hand-turned and glossvarnished”. That was of course taken totally out of context. Mantel was saying how the media and public view Kate – as a doll, a product read and written about, not real – and that we should lay off a bit. She is right (take my well-intended comments as proof), if that’s what she really means. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

‘We’re not horsing around’ Politician issues ‘tongue-in-cheek’ warning on UK food, but do Aussies and Kiwis care about the horsemeat scandal? WORDS CAROL DRIVER

It’s not the first time a government has tried to cash-in on a major scandal. But at least the Office of the South Australian Government in London admits its humorous “open letter” was written “tongue-in-cheek”, despite some national media playing it straight. In the letter, the agent general calls on Aussies in the capital to ditch UK meat produce in favour of supplies from Down Under. Bill Muirhead writes: “From fish to fowl and from field to fork, we put our heart and soul into our food – in the figurative sense – and nothing more. Our food packs enough punch not to need the extra horsepower.” Muirhead shamelessly urges expats to restrict consumption to guaranteed Australian-only sources “until the UK authorities are able to ensure integrity of supply”. The letter adds: “You will be concerned about, and unaccustomed to, the current issues which the UK authorities are attempting to resolve regarding proper oversight of the meat-processing supply chain. “If you are worried about the quality and provenance of meat-based foodstuffs which you purchase/have purchased in the UK, our current advice is you should not consume them.” Arguably the most important part of the letter comes at the end, with a plug for a leaflet publicising South Australian food companies that distribute in London, which happens to be available from its office in London. Rather than a direct response to the furore over the horsemeat scandal that has rocked the UK, Matt Johnson, deputy agent general, said the businesses publicised in the leaflet are those the office works with closely for events. “The letter was tongue-in-cheek,” he told TNT. “It was a playful reminder to the South Australian community that there are some products they’re used to and enjoy available here. There have been some issues in the UK and we wanted to get on the front foot with our community.” So have any Aussies been in touch with the office to voice 42

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their concerns or to say they’re not eating UK meat products? “No,” is Johnson’s reply. At least he’s honest. No doubt, it’s a shrewd move. The scandal isn’t one Antipodeans are likely to encounter back home. It’s engulfed the UK and Ireland and is spreading across Europe. But it hasn’t hit Australia, where the meat industry is subject to tighter regulations. And New Zealand isn’t affected either. But maybe that’s got more to do with labelling (see box, right)? Shevahn Telfser, a livestock lecturer at Charles Sturt University in New South Wales, said there is only a small chance horsemeat would make its way into Australian food.

“

Poms eat tonnes of processed foods. Yuk!

”

“As a general rule, horsemeat cannot enter our supply chain because Australia imports very little red meat and there are strict measures in place to ensure there is no mixing of processed products,” she said. Telfser added 26,000 tonnes of Aussie horsemeat is exported mostly to European markets for human consumption every year. But she said there was no chance of Aussies following suit, as horses “fall into the companion bracket, rather than production animals”. As the horsemeat debacle canters on, with testing spreading to chilled or canned beef-based ready meals as well as steak, stock cubes and beef dripping, TNT reached out to its Antipodean readers to find out whether it’s changed their eating habits. Sarah Elizabeth O’Donnell, an Aussie living in London, said: “I have no problem eating our neighing friends but it is the way they got into the ‘beef’ lasagne I care about;

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

22/02/2013 12:50:41

Cheap eats: (clockwise from left) tests in a laboratory in Germany; some Findus lasagnes contained horse; carcasses in a wholesaler

Photos: Getty

black market is dodgy and if they were put down in a way health regulations don’t approve then that could affect our consumption and health. All for strange meat on my plate, but I’d rather pay for the privilege.” Peter Morris, also an Aussie living in the capital, said he’s going to the extreme of ordering meat from a specialist butcher in Scotland. “We have stopped buying any kind of processed meat from supermarkets. I do not expect to be buying any processed meat from a supermarket for a long time to come. I am even eying off the OXO cubes at the moment – not sure about them anymore.” Clint Heine, a social media adviser for a charity who also runs the Facebook page Kiwis In London, described himself as a “militant carnivore”, but added he’ll always seek out produce from home. “I only buy Kiwi lamb and if I see any other NZ products, I will not hesitate to buy them ahead of others,” he said. “This scandal is realistically only affecting the cheapest of the cheap meats, so it wasn’t a surprise – if you’re paying £1 for eight burgers, don’t be surprised.” Kiwi Sarah-Jane Taylor-Seres, a clinical team manager in occupational health, said Brits are notoriously unhealthy. “I’ve been in London for seven months, and the first thing I learned about being here is the phenomenal amount of processed and pre-packaged foods the Poms eat. Yuk! “Lots of Aussies and Kiwis in London still cook, we’ll buy meat and veg and make a good, healthy meal. Maybe the Poms will finally get out a saucepan or a wok or something ... maybe, just maybe. There’s no chance of me eating horsemeat, I’m proud to be a Kiwi who can cook.” Chelsea Cookson, a 24-year-old Kiwi working as a nanny in London, simply added: “I wouldn’t feed supermarket meat to my dog let alone to myself.” Do you care about the horsemeat scandal? Has it affected what you eat? Send us your views: letters@tntmagazine.com

Do you know what you’re eating?

neigh horse here ... meat tests in nz Down Under may not have to worry about horsemeat contamination, but an investigation of products in New Zealand has thrown up some interesting results. The New Zealand Herald DNA-tested eight different products that had been packaged in the country as well as in Australia and in the UK. Although none tested positive for horsemeat, it found Sizzlers sausages contained three types of meat despite only listing one in its ingredients. The company said it complies with the Australian New Zealand Food Standards Code on labelling. It’s because companies Down Under aren’t required to specify which animals are in a product, as long as they identify “meat”, which must mean meat products commonly eaten in NZ. Food campaigner Sue Kedgley told the paper: “It’s an absolutely appalling loophole ... Manufacturers shouldn’t be trying to hide what is in their food, they should be honest with consumers.”

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SPORTNEWS

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Oval bound: Ricky Ponting

punter says surrey before the ashes cricket

Former Aussie skipper Ricky Ponting will play for two months at the Kia Oval this summer after signing with Surrey, in part as a replacement for South African captain Graeme Smith. As if cricket fans weren’t spoiled enough this year, 38-year-old Punter’s stint in all forms of the game will coincide with the ICC Champions Trophy and the Ashes in England in June and July. Ponting’s been in good form since playing his last Test in December, including a double-century for Tasmania. “I’m really excited to be playing for Surrey,” he said about the announcement. “They are a forward thinking and historic club – and play at one of the greatest grounds in the world. It hasn’t been the friendliest place for me but now it will be my home for two months this summer.” Surrey team director Chris Adams described Ponting as “one of the greatest batsmen of the modern era”.

ovations put TAYLOR under pressure cricket

Ross Taylor is still feeling the pressure he felt as New Zealand captain, the title stripped from him which led to a break from the game, on his return. Scores of 13, four, six and 22 were followed by an impressive century in the second ODI against England, a relieving innings ahead of the first Test on March 6 for the batsman who now gets a standing ovation every time he strides to the crease. ”Coming out in every game and getting a pretty amazing reception, it’s not normal,” he says. “And you do put extra pressure on yourself.” 44

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If the AFL pre-season’s passed you by, you may have missed the story of Ben Richmond, a 196cm giant Collingwood Magpies signed from the Australian Institute of Sport. Not abnormal ‘til you add he was playing basketball there. He’s smashed the Pies’ vertical leap record (78cm) and is a potential excitement machine come the March 31 season opener

black caviar’s now a living legend racing

The world’s best sprinter Black Caviar added the Australian Racing Hall of Fame to her honours at a gala ceremony – she is the second horse to make the list while still competing. The six-year-old returned to racing in spectacular fashion recently by crushing the 25-year-old Flemington track record in a race named after her. With 23 successive wins, including one last year at Royal Ascot, she’s the biggest turf star Down Under since Phar Lap. A likely future title for Cav will be the ‘Legend of the Turf’ gong given at the same ceremony in Melbourne to Carbine, the 1890 winner of the Melbourne Cup.

BIG WEEK FOR ... Arsene Wenger’s head may not be on the chopping block, so reports said last week despite his side being pasted by Bayern Munich 3-1 in the Champions League, but he’s got a big test this week. With the Gunners’ last chance at silverware for the year all but gone, the one and only prize the Frenchman’s lads and fans can hope for is the EPL top four and the millions that come with another tilt in Europe. And if they’re going to get there, they must beat Tottenham (Sun, 4pm), ahead of them in fourth, to get there.

tntMagazine.com

22/02/2013 12:56:35

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QUOTES OF THE WEEK It’s a crap rule change. Everyone likes to see it. A shoulder charge is split second, so now we have to change our whole mindset defensively The best: Lionel Messi skips past Real Madrid’s defence

South Sydney and England star Sam Burgess on the RFL’s decision to follow the NRL in banning the armless tackle

PREVIEW SPOILED BY EL CLÁSICO COPA DEL REY BARCELONA V REAL MADRID

TUES, 7PM, SKY SPORTS 1 Other than NSW and Queensland in rugby league and Australia and England in cricket, the El Clásico – the name for any clash between Barcelona and Real Madrid – is probably the greatest sporting rivalry in the world. Yes, even ahead of those opposing mobs from Manchester. This week they go into the second leg of their Copa del Rey semi-final deadlocked after a 1-1 draw courtesy of goals from

Raphaël Varane (Real) and Cesc Fàbregas (Barca) at the Bernabéu in January. It’s ridiculous to talk about key players, as FIFA decided these two teams comprised 10 of the best 11 players in the world last year, with ultra-superstars Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo each joined by four of their teammates in the ‘world’s best’ side. The winner of this tie will take on the winner of the one to be completed on Wednesday between Athletico Madrid (who had the 11th player in that side in Radamel Falcao) and Sevilla, who have their work cut out after going 2-1 down in the first leg.

THE CHAT | Gentleman Del stays in A-League

I never saw that result coming tonight, nil-nil, away, and we needed to win! We didn’t even get a goal… A comment highlighting problems with talkback radio and leaving the ground early. Coventry fan Dan raged on BBC radio at his side’s effort. They won 2-0

We didn’t think it would be so easy Bayern Munich’s French star Frank Ribery taunts Arsenal after his side’s 3-1 first leg win in the Champions League

TV HIGHLIGHTS

Photos: Getty

FOOTBALL What does it mean to the A-League that Q Alessandro Del Piero has signed on for another season with Sydney FC? A lot – for starters, it means the Italian genius gets to A finish what he’s started at the club since his arrival at the start of this campaign. He’s the top scorer in the league and lifted Sydney off the bottom into finals contention. When a player of his quality says he’s coming to an emerging football nation to contribute to the game, you expect it to be a lie. Not this time. A-League boss Damien de Bohun says “he’s engaged people, been an absolute gentleman” and brought a “star element” to the code in Oz. Sydney invested AU$2m (£1.34m) a year into the former Juventus gun – money well spent.

Everton v Oldham Athletic FA Cup fifth round replay Tues, 7.45pm, ITV1

CRICKET India v Australia Day one of the second Test in Hyderabad Sat, 3.55am, Sky Sports 1

RUGBY UNION ‘Star element’: Del Piero

Waratahs v Rebels NSW and Melbourne in the Super 15s Fri, 8.40am, Sky Sports 2 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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22/02/2013 12:56:39

Bucks ready to bite London Broncos enforcer Shane Rodney is loving life in the Big Smoke, but wants to match it on the field WORDS MICHAEL GADD

Playing for the Broncos suits Shane Rodney, though he was more at home on the back of a bull than a bucking horse as a kid in Tamworth, NSW. However, at 15, then a resident of Penrith, he got injured riding one of the four-legged brutes. After that, his primary focus became beasts of the two-legged variety on the rugby league field. That’s served him well, as what’s followed is an impressive career including two Premierships, first for his hometown Panthers and then – after a spate of injuries that required surgery to his ankle, spine and both shoulders – the Manly Sea Eagles. Just the 125 NRL games he played before signing to the London Broncos last year makes him a tough bastard compared to most. So, when TNT asks the forward how he’s been embracing London life over the past 12 months, we expect something along the lines of wearing a West Ham shirt to Millwall games, not sipping lattes in cafes, playing golf and “hanging out on the Thames”. So, on your Boris bike you clichés, it turns out Rodney’s offfield persona, the guy whose spare time is spent enjoying the capital with his wife Jacquie and 17-month-old son Nash (and they have another on the way), couldn’t be further from the tough nut in the Broncos’ black strip every weekend. “It’s a brilliant lifestyle here,” the 29-year-old says. “So different to back home. I love my coffee so we spend a lot of time in cafes, and I like to play a bit of golf with the other guys when we get a chance. Last summer there was a lot of hanging out on the Thames. There’s a great atmosphere when the sun comes out and everyone lines the banks, there’s nothing like it. Most time is taken up by our young bloke, which is great, and this is a top place for that.” Rodney lobbed in London last January at the same time as fellow Aussies Michael Robertson and Chris Bailey, who he won the 2008 grand final with at Manly, and Craig Gower, captain of the Penrith side which won the 2003 premiership in his first full NRL season. The recruits are part of owner 46

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David Hughes’ bid to enhance the Broncos’ shot at success, but despite promise he’s yet to reap the rewards of his investment – though there was a sign of things to come when they made a surge at the end of last season, which included a miraculous 62-18 thrashing of eventual grand finalists Warrington. Rodney says his side has wins in them and that good times are coming after a few tough losses already this year. And he sees no reason why his next trophy can’t be in London. “That first one in Penrith was funny, there were a few of us in the same boat as newcomers to first grade and we went on a run at the end of the season and got there [to beat Sydney Roosters 18-6 in the grand final],” he recalls having

“

If we keep working, the wins will come

”

made his top-flight debut in round 20 of the previous year. “It seemed so easy. You think they come all the time when it happens that quickly, but of course that’s not the reality.” Before coming to London, Rodney sought counsel from his former skipper Gower, who was coming back to rugby league to finish his decorated career – a former NSW and Australian captain – after three years playing union in France for Bayonne and the Italian national side. “He said there were great opportunities in London, and they were building a good squad,” Rodney says of the move he’d previously said he always wanted to make. “Michael [Robertson] came at the same time and Chris [Bailey] was here the year before, so it’s a good environment for me. And having Craig here is great. His leadership is second to none. He sets an example for everyone, the young guys especially.”

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

22/02/2013 16:06:37

Photos: Getty; London Broncos

Hair-raising: Shane Rodney says he got “carried away with Movember” and shaved off his epic beard only last week

The Broncos looked the goods in trial matches this year, accounting for Toulouse Olympique 34-0 in France and Super League side Catalan Dragons 26-22. But all the hard work and preparation under returned head coach Tony Rea, also an Aussie, is nothing without results on the park, Rodney admits. “Everyone’s working really hard, so we’ve just got to stay strong and keep working hard, and the wins will come.” Those victories will also hopefully bring with them the crowds the Broncos deserve in the capital, where rugby league comes a distant third to football and rugby union – the Broncos’ home ground is the home of union, a fortress for England and Harlequins in the Aviva Premiership. For a bloke used to clubs in places where league is the centre of the universe, Manly and Penrith, London’s a culture shock Rodney says is mostly a blessing, but a bit of a curse. “It’s a good thing as a player that you don’t hear about league much here at all,” he says. “I was talking to the guys from Melbourne [Storm] about it last week, who have a similar thing being in a city where AFL is number one. You quite enjoy coming home to not read about a bad game, whereas back [in Australia] it’s everywhere. “At the same time, with football everywhere and union’s where we are, we struggle a bit with the fan base and don’t get much coverage to promote the side compared to the clubs up north where league is much bigger.” It’s a shame for a competition that is hugely entertaining. “A lot of emphasis is on attack here,” he says. “You can be on the wing, catch three passes and run five metres for a try and be man of the match. Back home it’s the guys making 50 tackles and a stack of hit-ups getting the rewards. But here it’s attack all the time. When people come they see for themselves how tough, fast and skilled it is.” Broncos play Salford City this Friday and at home to Hull KR on Saturday, March 9, 6.15pm, at Twickenham Stoop. For tickets visit londonbroncosrl.com

Crushing: Rodney busts through a Widnes tackle for the Broncos; and (top) scores a try for Manly

Leeds’ Ryan Hall gets away from St Helens’ Gary Wheeler in their match-up last year

giants set to butt heads st helens v leeds rhinos The Super League’s most cracking rivalry of the past decade reignites this weekend when St Helens host the Leeds Rhinos on Friday night at 8pm. At least one of these two sides has been in every Super League grand final since 2004, with both teams facing off in 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2011. Bizarrely, the last time Merseysiders St Helens won the big one was in 2006 – Leeds have won the premiership every year since 2007, except for 2010 when Wigan beat St Helens. But when we look at the head-to-head between the two teams it’s St Helens who have the edge, winning four of the clubs’ last five clashes. This included a 46-6 thrashing of the eventual champions in March last year at Langtree Park, where they’ll meet this week, followed up by a slightly tighter 31-18 win away at Leeds’ home Headingly Carnegie.

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: OLI JONES

oliver.jones@tntmagazine.com

Shamed: Aussie swimmers faced a press conference on Friday

Aussie swimming team scandal proves old stereotypes die hard Pathetic performances might banish oaﬁsh behaviour for good

» Agree or disagree? Does the ‘dream team’ reflect sporting culture? letters@tntmagazine.com 48

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The news last week that Tottenham Hotspur fans had been attacked prior to their last-gasp triumph over a dismally anti-footballing Lyon team felt grimly familiar. Three Spurs fans were left hospitalised after a reported 20 to 25 men in balaclavas attacked a bar where they’d been drinking. Reports that the attackers were engaging in Nazi salutes towards fans of a club traditionally linked with North London’s Jewish community makes the whole event doubly depressing.

“

Racism is all but openly tolerated

”

But is it surprising? FIFA’s stance on racism is pathetically weak. It’s almost openly tolerated on the pitch. Judging by their fines (£32,000 for monkey chants, £80,000 for Paddy Power underpants), it’s clearly a lower priority for FIFA than unauthorised advertising. How can we begin to confront violence and racism off the pitch if FIFA steadfastly refuse to do anything on it?

Photo: Getty

As a Briton, there is a rather specific pleasure to be had watching any Australian sporting team under-performing. Especially one that has had the temerity to bill itself as “the dream team”. And at this summer’s Olympic Games the spades of glory enjoyed by Team GB was made all the sweeter by an apparently flummoxed Australian team blundering from one disappointment to the next. However, Swimming Australia’s report into the failings of Australia’s swim team – who became emblematic of the nation’s wider sporting incompetence at London 2012 – wasn’t something to revel in, rather it made for uncomfortable reading. It told of a “toxic environment” for Australia’s swimmers, one of harassment, substance abuse and bullying. “Things were managed quietly rather than brought to a head, and several examples of coaches passing over the responsibility for hard conversations were given,” said the report. “Individual coaches had little interest in policing the culture or counselling swimmers.” Several swimmers, including Nick D’Arcy, have come out to support the embattled Swimming Australia head coach Leigh Nugent, despite the revelations that male swimmers had been engaging in prank calls, door knocking and a “Stilnox (a prescription hypnotic) hazing ritual” in what the Courier Mail called (presumably without intending the homoerotic undertone) “a wild team bonding night” at a pre-Games camp in Manchester. Frankly, I’m not sure how much this says about Australian coaching or sporting infrastructure. What it does is restate a sad well-worn truth. Mollycoddled sportsmen, who are constantly told how awesome they are, will fall into that most solipsistic of traps – they think if they’re winners, they can behave like pricks. It’s something experience has taught them all their lives. Ultimately that kind of behaviour is unsustainable with continued success. Hopefully this is an opportunity to instil a new ethos of professionalism and finally banish the oafish ‘tour’ culture so long synonymous with travelling sports teams.

BLOOD SPLIT IN FAN ATTACKS IS ON FIFA

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HEAD OVER HEELS

Photos: Getty; seeglasgow.com; Last Tour International; Quays of the Old Port of Montreal

Dancers during their rehearsal in Taipei, preparing for the Taiwan International Festival of the Arts.

INSIDE

COMEDY CAPITAL /56

BEST OF THE FESTS /66

WINTER WONDERS /72

It’s a laugh a minute in Glasgow as TNT heads north to get a preview of the city’s upcoming chuckle fest.

Snow-covered slopes, remote desert dunes, a 17th-century fortress or epic clubs – you can party hard anywhere this festival season.

What do you do for entertainment when it’s -25ºC and the snow is at least a foot deep? TNT finds plenty of answers in Montreal. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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22/02/2013 12:57:47

TRAVELDIARY Helen Elfer

@tntmagazine

Lenten self-denial in full force at Starkbierzeit

TRAVEL EDITOR

MISGUIDED TOURS I’m all in favour of a good tour guide. On various trips in the past I’ve been lucky enough to meet ones who have really gone above and beyond, scoring me free food, recommending brilliant bars, telling local legends with gusto and even supplying me with the most obscene of local swear words, just in case I’d need to bust some out during my holiday. By and large, they’re a brilliant bunch.

But, boy, are there some oddballs among their number. You’d imagine it would take a certian type of personality to be a tour guide: bubbly, competent, knowledgeable and eager to share insights into the locale. Yet I’d say an astonishing proportion are none of these things. In fact, I’ve been taken ‘sightseeing’ by guides that were clearly ratarsed, bored, angry, in various states of undress, or just out-and-out liars. A robe-wearing guide in Egypt spent the day solemnly pretending he lived a traditional Bedouin desert life. When pressed, he admitted he was really a Cairo businessman and just dressed up for tourists to make a bit of extra cash at the weekends. Another time the guide on a Dubrovnik boat tour showed up to a posh restaurant reeking of booze, still barefoot and wearing just the teeny Speedos-and-T-shirt combo he’d been sporting all day. Worst of all, a friend of mine got taken to see pandas in Sichuan twice because the guide had forgotten he’d already taken the group the day before. When reminded, he flew into a rage and insisted they all walk around the enclosure again anyway. Still, at least having a guide with a few screws loose makes for a memorable experience ... Had any crazy tour guide experiences? Write

Spring’s version of Oktoberfest is Germany’s best-kept secret. The Munich festival’s name translates to ‘Strong Beer Festival’ and no ale 1-17 served here has less than 7 per cent alcohol content. This is the only time of year these beers are available and the ceremonial keg tapping at the Paulaner-Keller brewery is so important it’s televised nationally. MARCH

WHY: It might not be in the spirit of selfdenial but this boozy event is actually a Lenten tradition. Paulaner monks in the 17th century brewed thick doppelbock to help settle their rumbling tummies when they were fasting in the lead up to Easter and were only allowed to consume liquids.

FROZEN DEAD GUYS

After Bredo Morstoel died from a heart condition in 8-10 1989, his body was cryogenically frozen. It’s now kept in a shed on a hill in Colorado, packed with 1600lbs of dry ice. Every year people visit the site for this surreal fest which involves coffin races, polar plunges and frozen salmon tossing. MARCH

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BUTTER LAMP FEST

Tibet

Butter fingers welcome at this Buddhist fest, in which 8 yak butter is sculpted into works of art, and burned in hundreds of lamps that light up the streets. MARCH

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OX CART FESTIVAL

Costa Rica

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HONEN MATSURI

Japan

Komaki’s fertility festival features the biggest dong 15 you’ll ever see. At 620lbs and 96 inches long, the wooden phallus is paraded down the streets to bring luck to couples trying for a baby. MARCH

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DO IT BECAUSE: This is a chance to get stuck into a much less touristy beer event than Oktoberfest in Germany – the focus is firmly on the ales. Plus surely this is a much more enjoyable way to celebrate a Lenten tradition than, say, giving up chocolate ...

Staring at an ox’s rump all day every day can’t be much 9-11 fun. So ox cart drivers give themselves a break on this national holiday with a festival in San Antonio de Escazú. People give gifts to the drivers, and children in traditional dress stand on the back of old ox carts while the beasts themselves are paraded around the town. MARCH

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Photos: Getty

in and tell us at helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

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sunsets and the one you can’t miss is in Hydra – voted best sunset in the world! This once-in-a-lifetime prize includes a sailing trip for two people in the 2013 season, with freshly prepared breakfasts and lunches included. Flights are not included. Dates for the sailing week are limited and will be agreed between MedSailors Ltd and the prizewinner.

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palin’s top pick Acclaimed travel writer and TV funnyman Michael Palin has chosen the prehistoric chalk horse in Oxfordshire as his top pick for tourists in England. “The White Horse at Uffington is at the heart of a very fine walk, taking in not just the horse itself but the ancient hill fort of Uffington Castle, a stretch of the oldest road in the country and the hill on which, according to legend, St George slew the dragon,” he said. Palin is ambassador for Discovering Britain, a project which promotes British walking trails. He made his choice as a recommendation for those using Visit England’s new Facebook app, 101 Things To Do Before You Go Abroad.

Photo: Wikicommons

BA to cut costs It was only a matter of time before BA started feeling the pressure to compete with budget carriers, but the announcement that British Airways will offer customers ‘hand luggage only’ fares still comes as welcome news. The carrier has said it will offer a discount for those travelling with just hand luggage on five routes from London Gatwick to short-haul destinations in Europe, including Amsterdam, Dubrovnik, Jersey, Tunis and Turin. But it doesn’t have plans to go completely frills-free. A BA spokesman said: “All passengers still get features like on-board drinks and seat allocation.”

An eye for dubai Dubai is never short of a plan to do something bigger and better than the rest of the world, and the latest scheme is to build the world’s largest Ferris wheel. Called the ‘Dubai Eye’, the wheel is set to be to be completed in 2015 and will be a staggering 690ft tall – that’s almost 250ft taller than the London Eye. Developers have said they hope it will attract more than three million visitors a year once it’s completed. The Dubai Eye will be the focal point of a £1billion project called The Bluewaters Island, a man-made island for leisure and entertainment, slated to be completed by 2016.

Holiday in iraq? Fancy a short break in sunny Baghdad? Probably not, but if you are a particularly adventurous type, you can now catch a flight there from London, as Iraqi Airways has just restored air services to the UK. It has been 23 years since there was a regular connection between London and Iraq, as the service was stopped in 1990, when the Gulf War began. But from March 5 onwards, Iraq’s national carrier will fly three times a week between Gatwick and Baghdad International. The service marks Iraq’s continuing rehabilitation and development after 20 years of violent conflict.

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Refl [Caption] ecting: the Clyde Arc bridge and Scottish Exhibition Centre by night

EAT, DRINK, SLEEP

Glasgow SCOTLAND

SCOTLAND

EDINBURGH Glasgow

GETTING THERE Fly from London Gatwick to Glasgow from £59 return with easyJet. easyjet.com

Crack-up: festival headliner Jimmy Carr

For a mix of old-world charm and affordable decadence, head to Glasgow’s oldest bar and restaurant, The Sloan. Afternoon tea from £10.95. sloansglasgow.com Open for breakfast, lunch and tea, trendy joint The Left Bank is your go-to place for hearty burgers, tapas-style dishes and breakfasts. Mains from £7.75. theleftbank.co.uk The Arches is one of the leading cultural venues in Europe, and hosts everything from Britain’s biggest club nights and bands to new theatre shows and art exhibitions. Pints from £3.50. thearches.co.uk Hip live music joint Nice N Sleazy offers a good range of beers and cheap spirits. It’s a haunt for well-known Glaswegian musos. Go there for some famous face spotting. Drinks from £2. nicensleazy.com McLay’s Guest House offers simple, cosy budget accommodation in the heart of the city. Single rooms from £21pn. mclays.com

Getting coned: pranksters give The Wellington Statue a hat 56

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Just for laughs: a comedian gets the desired response

For a treat, Blythswood Square Hotel is Glasgow’s ultimate five-star luxury spa hotel. Rooms start at £120pn. townhousecompany.com

UKTRIP

Comedy capital It’s a laugh a minute in Glasgow as we get a preview of the city’s upcoming chuckle fest

Photos: Alan Robertson (See Glasgow); Getty; TNT

WORDS KELLY GRIFFIN

It’s a Saturday night in Glasgow and the busy, neon-lit streets are pulsating with weekend revellers. My cohorts – a bunch of Londoners up for the weekend – and I make our way through the ‘smirr’ (which I learn is a Scottish term for mist-like rain, not to be confused with mizzle, which is mistlike drizzle) to the door of what was once an abandoned high school basement, now one of the city’s most popular venues: cult comedy club, The Stand. Now in its 13th year, The Stand is an institution on the Scottish comedy scene where homegrown success stories such as Frankie Boyle and Kevin Bridges cut their teeth. Inside its cavernous, candle-lit space, we make our way past the rowdy crowd gathered around the bar, and grab what are the only remaining seats. Living up to the stereotype of Glaswegians as friendly, hospitable folk with a terrific sense of humour, it’s not long before renowned local comedian and actor Raymond Mearns stops by for a quick hello – soon he’ll be hitting the stage to compere tonight’s show. The thing about Glaswegian audiences is, Mearns leans in and reveals: “They know when you’re not giving everything, and they’ll tell you. So you’ve always got to bring your best.” A little later Mearns begins flexing his quick-witted improv muscles, bantering with those who’ve braved the front row. The first guy admits his job is a risk assessor at a hospital for the criminally insane. “Well, that must be an easy job, they’re all a risk!” Mearns shoots back. But it’s obvious the crowd do give as good as they get. When headliner Bennett Arron, a Jewish-Welsh comedian, asks who has been arrested, about a quarter of the crowd raise their hand, to which he sheepishly responds, “Oh well, that’s quite a bit more than I expected.” It’s no surprise that Glaswegians make discerning audiences, as the vibrant, trendy city has a reputation for a rich creative scene that dates back centuries. For starters, it boasts one of the UK’s leading independent art schools, The Glasgow School of Art, from which almost 30 per cent of past Turner Prize nominees have graduated. In the Forties, Glasgow was nicknamed ‘Cinema City’ for boasting more than 130 cinemas which, back in the day, was more cinemas per capita than any other city in the world outside of the US. Plus there’s the legendary music scene, with bands including

Belle and Sebastian, Arab Strap, Mogwai, Primal Scream and Franz Ferdinand all calling the Clyde-side city home. Back at The Stand, the venue’s owner and Scottish comedy stalwart Tommy Sheppard has pulled up a chair to tell us this is the tip of the iceberg, with the city set to become Europe’s laugh capital in March when the Glasgow Comedy Festival kicks off. Sheppard says the festival’s the “biggest event of its kind in Europe”, with a range of acts to suit all ages and tastes, from 75-year-old Dorothy Paul, who’s cracking up packed theatres, to more experimental shows, such as the

“

Glasgow crowds give as good as they get

”

late night comedy in the underground subway station at St Enoch. Double Bafta-winning comic Billy Kirkwood will this year perform his gags in a tattoo parlour, which I joke could have permanent ramifications. “Well, the guy doing that show in the tattoo parlour is threatening to get the Comedy Festival logo permanently tattooed on him,” Sheppard laughs. Sheppard says there’s also a strong American showcase at this year’s fest, featuring Liza Treyger, Kyle Kinane and Dwayne Kennedy, backing up big-name headliners such as Jimmy Carr, Paul Merton, Sean Lock and Al Murray. Judging by the hilarity on stage and off it tonight, the Glasgow Comedy Festival looks set to be one hell of an event, and what better way to get a glimpse into the city’s creative culture – and certainly its wicked sense of humour.

NEXT WEEK

The 2013 Glasgow Comedy Festival runs March 14-31 glasgowcomedyfestival.com The Stand hosts events seven nights a week thestand.co.uk

St Paddy’s Day: Where to get your drink on this year

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> £500 Turkey A seven-night stay costs £650pp (save £150) with Exclusive Escapes (0208 6053500; exclusiveescapes.co.uk). Includes direct return flights, four-star, B&B accommodation and a gulet cruise. Departs London Stansted April 27. Sharm El Sheikh A sevennight holiday costs £502pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes direct return flights and five-star, all-inclusive accommodation at the Iberotel Il Mercato hotel. Based on two people sharing. Departs London Gatwick on March 12. eastern Europe An 11-day tour is £649pp (save 35 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Includes three-star accommodation, some meals and visits to Croatia, Montenegro and Bosnia. Excludes flights. Book by February 28. Departs on May 12.

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AnZAC DAY A five-day tour is £228pp (save 15 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Includes fourand three-star accommodation, some meals, Dawn Service and national ceremonies. Excludes flights. Book by February 28. Departs Istanbul April 22. moscow A two-night stay costs £202pp with easyJet Holidays (0843 1041000; easyjet.com). Includes return flights and three-star, B&B accommodation at the Maxima Panorama. Departs London Gatwick on March 24. prague A two-night stay costs £94pp with easyJet Holidays (0843 1041000; easyjet.com/holidays). Includes direct return flights and fourstar, B&B accommodation at the Aida Hotel. Departs London Stansted on March 13. Paris A two-night stay costs £198pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes direct return flights and four-star, B&B accommodation at the Hotel Royal Elyseés. Departs from London Luton on March 19. Costa Brava A seven-night break costs £194pp with easyJet Holidays (easyjet.com/holidays; 0843 1041000). Includes flights and four-star, all-inclusive accommodation at the HTOP Royal Sun Hotel. Departs London Southend on March 6.

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WADI MUSA SUNSET, JORDAN Svatopluk Dolezal, Czech Republic

PEACEFUL MOMENT, JAIPUR, INDIA Michelle Gee, Canada WHY IT WORKS This image of a lone Indian woman at the Monkey Temple in Jaipur appears to capture a very personal moment as she stares into empty space, oblivious to the photographer. Although taken on a simple point and shoot camera, Michelle has captured a fantastic point in time, and what luck that the subject is so fabulously colour co-ordinated with her surroundings. Soft, muted reds and yellows of the temple wall juxtapose brilliantly against the red and fuchsia pink of her clothing.

WHY IT WORKS The bright orange glow almost feels surreal as the viewer is drawn to the central horizon point of the sun. The barren, rocky panorama is complemented by the buildings of the town in the foreground, which take on similar tones to the amazing rocky landscape of the Petra mountains. Svatopluk’s captured a perfect balance in the composition with the crossroads aligned just below the setting sun. The dusty landscape’s colours mesh beautifully with the fiery sky behind it.

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HOGMANAY LOONY DOOK, SCOTLAND Greg Richards-Riches, from Australia

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TOP FIVE

skyscrapers

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Burj Khalifa, uae

When did city landmarks start to get so, well, phallic? In many cities, it’s the bigger the better as far as iconic structures go, and so skyscrapers now dominate the skyline for pretty much all of the world’s leading cities. Whatever symbolism you attach to them, there’s no disputing that Dubai’s Burj Khalifa is the tallest of them all, clocking in at a neck-craning 829.8m tall. It breaks all sorts of impressive records: the largest man-made skyscraper, largest structure and tallest freestanding building in the world. Certainly it’s tough to hold these titles for very long – new feats of engineering mean there’s always a building being developed that aims to be taller than the last. Until 2010, the record was held by Taiwan’s Taipei 101, and before that, Malaysia’s Petronas Towers were the tallest in the world. But it might turn out that the Burj Khalifa hangs on longer than most, as there are persistent rumours that inside its tip is a retractable spike, ready to be extended when need be. Only time will tell if this is true, but we wouldn’t be 62 00

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the smallest bit surprised. The Burj Khalifa set the UAE back an eye-watering £96 million, and architects modelled the building after the hymenocallis flower with three ‘petals’ arranged around a central core. An incredible 26,000 glass panels, each individually hand-cut, cover the exterior, and these reflect the bright UAE sunshine, catching the eye from miles around. At present, the Burj Khalifa, which opened in January 2010, holds offices, apartments, restaurants and the superswanky Armani Hotel. There is also, of course, an observation deck, called At The Top. This is on the 124th level and gives 360-degree views of Dubai (tickets are £22 when booked in advance). Since it’s quite a dusty city, there’s not always great visibility from the top, but augmented reality telescopes show the surrounding landscape both in real-time and with images saved earlier that show the view at different times of the day and in a variety of weather conditions. burjkhalifa.ae

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Taipei 101, Taiwan

The ex-tallest building in the world, Taipei 101 has – you guessed it – 101 floors, and stands at 508m tall. The design is rich with symbolism, with its number of floors representing the renewal of time as the new century arrived when the tower was being built (although it was only completed in 2004). The main tower has eight segments of eight floors each, because in Chinese culture the number is associated with good fortune. taipei-101.com.tw

Photos: Thinkstock

commerzbank, Germany

This structure in Frankfurt was called the world’s first ecological skyscraper. Standing at 300m tall, the building has a large triangular atrium that lets the sunshine in from three sides, meaning the building relies more on natural than artificial lighting – there’s also enviro-friendly ventilation. There are nine ‘sky-gardens’ spaced throughout the tower, too, each with a different botanical theme, including Mediterranean, North American Pacific and Asian plants. commerzbank.com

empire state building, us

Peaceful retreat

It took only one year and 45 days to build, and even King Kong couldn’t tear down this New York icon. The 443.2m tall building was erected in record time and completed in 1931. Rather horribly, it has been the site of numerous suicides. An image of one lady, who jumped in 1947, was later used by Andy Warhol in his print entitled Suicide (Fallen Body). The structure is often floodlit in different colours to represent various events. esbnyc.com

CN Tower, Canada

The pointy needle-shaped, 553.3m tall CN Tower in Toronto attracts more than two million visitors each year. It holds a revolving restaurant called 360, which takes a little over an hour to take a complete turn while you check out this beautiful city from on high. For a more daring visit, take the open-air EdgeWalk, where only a tether attached to an overhead rail stops visitors from plummeting down. WWF hosts an annual fundraising event in which people can climb its 1776 stairs for charity. cntower.ca

la rÉsidence phou vao Overview If you’re travelling around Laos and find yourself craving a little peace and quiet, Luang Prabang’s La Résidence Phou Vao is the place to go. It’s a boutique hotel about five minutes’ drive from the town centre and was one of the first luxury accommodation options built here. The hotel sits on top of Phou Vao hill, which translates to the ‘hill of kites’, and you can see the temple on Mount Phousi in the distance. It’s pricey, especially for the area, but you definitely get your money’s worth. wow factor The infinity pool is reason enough to come here. The water looks as though it’s just about to spill down the hill, and by night it’s covered in floating candles – a real sight when you’re sitting around it on a balmy evening, putting away a beer or two. rooms Huge, airy rooms are decorated with polished wooden furniture and lots of traditional Laotian touches. All suites have huge windows which look out onto the mountain, the pool or the lush gardens. Bill please Doubles from £312pp, suites from £374pn.

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Q My mates and I are planning on doing Tomorrowland and Sziget Festival, and we have a week in between the two. We were thinking of visiting Cinque Terre, but heard it can be busy with tourists. Could you recommend anywhere else? Wayne Darra, via email A This would be an ambitious plan, Wayne.

READERS’ TIPS ON FESTIVALS PARTY ON PAG Hideout Festival on the island of Pag, Croatia, is a fresh take on the dance music scene with the ultimate line-up, set in magnificent beauty. RedRaw, via Facebook DOWN AND DIRTY I went to Download in Leicestershire on my own in 2010. The people were so awesome and the vibe was incredible. Sarah Beedell, via Facebook 64

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Tomorrowland in Boom, Belgium, is over 800 miles from Sziget’s home in Budapest, Hungary. Trying to also visit the popular coastal spot of Cinque Terre in northern Italy doubles the journey’s distance. Given that festivals are pretty exhausting, trying to manage this travelling, partying and sightseeing could leave you tapped out and you may end up not enjoying any of it. The most direct route from Belgium to

Hungary goes straight through central Europe, passing no coastline. However, Hungary’s Lake Balaton is Europe’s largest freshwater lake (it is known as the Hungarian Sea it’s so big) and might work as an alternative. Siófok on the southern edge of the lake is a popular party spot. Nagystrand is the main beach and there are often free concerts in the summer. There is also a spa here (galerius-furdo.hu). For a more relaxing time, the north shore is dotted with vineyards and pretty historical towns, such as Badacsony. You can get a train direct from the lake to Budapest – easy! If you yearn for proper ocean spray and a lake won’t cut it, Croatia’s northern region of Istria is a good alternative. Easy to reach by train from Budapest (via Zagreb), Pula is the jumping off point for this varied stretch of coastline.

What makes Antarctica so special? It is the last pristine place on Earth. It is the highest, driest continent in the world and it has a tremendous beauty. What are the factors to consider when booking a trip? The most important thing is the cruise ship. Those with less than 200 passengers can go to any landing site. However, only 100 passengers are allowed ashore at one time, so, for me, smaller boats are still the best. Is it a good idea to hold out for lastminute deals? It’s a gamble. My advice would be to book early, because from what I’ve heard, the bookings are already strong for 2014.

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[Caption] Dance in dunes: the Transahara festival

Festivals Europe

Clockwise: Bilbao BBK Live (and far left); La Tomatina; St Paddyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Day; Berlin Fest [Caption] 66

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Best of the music fests Snow-covered slopes, remote desert dunes, a 17th-century fortress or epic clubs – you can party hard anywhere this festival season Words helen elfer

Long gone are the days when a music festival meant an endurance test of mud, rain, soggy tents and more mud. This year, Europe’s best live extravaganzas can be found across a spread of incredible locations, so take your pick from these top events and mix your music with a little aprés-ski action, beach time or art galleries.

Bilbao BBK Live, Spain More dash than cash? Bilbao BBK has your name all over it. The Spanish music fest is an absolute bargain, with three-day tickets just £85, including camping. The action all happens at night, so during the day you’re free to hit the beach, explore Bilbao’s dynamic arts scene or just start the boozing early. Now in its eighth year, the fest pulls in crowds of up to 40,000 and in addition to the four main stages, there are also two dance tents, a pop tent and a chill out area. LINE-UP: Green Day, Kings of Leon and Depeche Mode are headlining. Fatboy Slim and Editors will also be performing. WHEN: July 11-13. BOOK: bilbaobbklive.com

This is definitely a fest with community spirit, too – last year a collective of artists arranged breakfast for 200 people in the middle of Rotterdam’s largest shopping street. LINE-UP: AlunaGeorge, Daughter, Sinkane, TEEN and Jah Wobble & The Modern Jazz Ensemble. WHEN: April 5-6. BOOK: motelmozaique.nl

Berlin Festival, Germany Berliners know how to throw a good party, but this one is on a big scale by anyone’s standards. The two-dayer takes place on the decommissioned Tempelhof Airport’s airfield as well as the two hangars on-site until midnight, and then switches to Club Xberg, which is held at downtown’s Arena Berlin. During the day, the fest’s Art Village host workshops and exhibitions. LINE-UP: Blur, Pet Shop Boys and Turbostaat are playing the main stage. DJ acts Justice and SebastiAn will be playing until the small hours at Club Xberg. WHEN: September 6-7. ›› BOOK: berlinfestival.de

Snowbombing, Austria Be honest – do you prefer the après-ski action to any actual sport? Then this is the fest for you. Sure, you can spend your days skiing and snowboarding on the Austrian slopes of Mayrhofen if you like, but you’ll want to save most of your energy for the evenings, when there will be parties, concerts and DJs in various scenic Alpine settings – think an igloo, a forest clearing and plenty of mountainside cabins. Even better, TNT has teamed up with Snowbombing so that you can stay at our TNT Village, where a package that includes dorm beds and a wristband to the event costs just £314pp. More at tntmagazine.com/snowbombing. LINE-UP: Kasabian, Carl Cox, Example and Katy B. WHEN: April 1-6. BOOK: snowbombing.com

Motel Mozaique, Netherlands Genuinely alternative artsy fests don’t come along very often, so snap up tickets to this Rotterdam event ASAP. Everything from gigs to theatre to art shows are on offer here, all of which take place in various venues across the city.

Paint the town: Berlin Festival’s Art Village

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Transahara, Morocco OK, it’s not in Europe, but we couldn’t resist sticking this one on the list anyway. How often do you get to party in the Sahara Desert? This five-day bash is a mish-mash of music, artists and cultural events, and there’s a real hippy traveller’s vibe to it – expect to see lots of whacked-out, be-dreadlocked soul-searchers enjoying the festivities. Only 1000 tickets are sold, as organisers are keen to reduce the negative impact on the surroundings, so book early. LINE-UP: Psychedelic musos including U-Recken, AJJA and Perfect Stranger at the Nomad’s Tribe stage, Mathias Meyer and Anime K on the Morokoloko stage and Alien Rainforest and Smoke Sign on the Lunar stage. WHEN: April 3-7. BOOK: nomadstribe.com

classic culture Traditional festivals

Horizon, Bulgaria Picture heavy bass thumping out over the snowy slopes of Bulgaria to a crowd of mostly British, up-for-it electronica fans. That’s pretty much the scene at Horizon, which is held over six days in the ski resort of Bankso. This is another good one for those watching their budget – it’s one of Europe’s more affordable resorts for skiiers and beginners get discounts on lessons. As for the price of mountain-raving fuel – even that won’t set you back too much with a pint of beer anywhere costing just £2. LINE-UP: Crazy P, Jackmaster, Mark E, Ben Pearce, Phaleah, Eliphino, Wookie, Dark Ski and Maribou State. WHEN: March 23-29. BOOK: togetherski.com

EXIT, Serbia This festival is drum and bass like you’ve never experienced it – while dancing in an old fortress on a hill, overlooking the Danube river. Petrovaradin Fortress in Novi Sad plays host to hip-hop and dubstep as well as drum and bass DJs. During the day you can recharge your dancing batteries on the nearby sandy beaches. LINE-UP: DJ Fresh Live, Friction & MC Linguistics, SKiSM, The Prototypes, Inspector Dubplate. WHEN: July 10-14. BOOK: exitfest.org ❚

Chug it: live large at Oktoberfest Had enough of that blasting bass to last you a lifetime? Don’t discount Europe’s more traditional festivals, where you can soak up a little culture while you party… Oktoberfest Glug it from pint glasses, bottles, tankards or steins bigger than your head – it doesn’t matter as long as you get the maximum quantity of the amber nectar down you during one of the world’s most popular drinking festivals. WHEN: Munich’s Oktoberfest runs September 21-October 6. oktoberfest.de/en La tomatina The one time and place where it’s OK to waste 125,000kg of food: La Tomatina is one giant tomato fight, held every year in the Spanish city of Bunõl. Every inch of the streets and participants ends up covered in squishy tomato goo – it might not smell great but it’s definitely an experience. WHEN: The last Wednesday of August (this year the 28th). spain.info/en St Patrick’s Day It’s up to you how much culture you take in on St Patrick’s Day. Wrap an Irish flag around your shoulders and then drink as much Guinness as you can, or get over to Dublin for the event and enjoy traditional Irish music and the People’s Parade, among other cultural festivities. WHEN: St Patrick’s Day is March 17, but festivities in Dublin run March 14-18. stpatricksfestival.ie

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Photos: Getty; Stephen Flad

Jungle beats: go wild at the Horizon festival

Running of the bulls This long-standing event in Pamplona involves a hairraising chase where brave locals – and tourists – in traditional outfits run from the city centre to the bullrings, chased by a herd of bulls. It’s adrenaline-pumping stuff, even if you’re just a spectator. WHEN: Daily between July 6-14. bullrunpamplona.com

Montreal CANADA

GETTING THERE Fly from London to Montreal from ÂŁ949 return with Air Canada. aircanada.com CANADA

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Cosy: believe it or not, the Snow Village is warmer than it looks

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Winter wonderland What do you do for entertainment when it’s -25ºC and the snow is at least a foot deep? TNT finds plenty of answers in Montreal Words helen elfer

WHEN TO GO: High season is June-September, when it’s warm Montreal is freezing. Through my hotel to the end of March, and is made up of a but humid. There are so many window, I can see the late January snow is series of huge igloos, which you can sleep, activities during winter that these at least a foot deep already and the sky’s a eat out, drink or dance in. blur of flakes falling on the road outside. The months are growing popular for After checking out a couple, we make tourism too. picturesque Old Town is covered in pristine, our way through a series of tunnels formed CURRENCY: £1 =1.55 CAD pure white powder. For the moment, the from densely packed snow before arriving (Canadian Dollars) scene is almost completely free of footprints in a huge dome – the Ice Restaurant. Pink, ACCOMMODATION: Le or car tracks – after all, who’d be mad green and blue lights illuminate the white Saint Suplice is the place to go for enough to actually go out in this weather? walls, and it all looks a bit like Superman’s a cosy, upmarket stay in Montreal’s icy Fortress of Solitude (except, thankfully, Plenty of people, apparently, because Old Town. The rooms are smart if there’s one thing I learn fast, it’s that with chaud cocktails, soups and hot sandwich Canadians don’t stop anything because of the and homely, with faux log fires wraps on offer). Tables and chairs are snow. They know how to ‘do’ winter properly crackling away in many of them made entirely out of ice cubes, lined with – perfect for when it’s freezing – as they well should, since the temperatures furry blankets. I take a seat with a little outside. Doubles start from £134pn. trepidation, but weirdly, it’s not actually here dip under -30ºC throughout the winter. They dress properly for a start, in the kind of that cold. The room holds a surprising lesaintsulpice.com lightweight, hi-tech outerwear that looks as amount of warmth inside, and so out of SEE: tourisme-montreal.org though it would keep you warm on a chilly the wind and with the body heat of other day in outer space. So unlike Londoners, who wear Ugg diners, the temperature stays between -2ºC and -5ºC (that boots in the rain and count a hoodie under a biker jacket counts as positively balmy here). Next door in the Ice Bar, as a winter coat, you never see Montrealers shivering, even a small crowd is starting to get through a fair amount of when the wind is howling and they’re brushing snow from Jägermeister, which is served over an ice counter from their eyelashes. bottles displayed on carved ice shelves. In other words, with I pull on my thermal socks and decide I’m going to learn a hot meal and a bit of a booze jacket on, not only is this not how to have a good time, outdoors, in these inhuman excruciating, but this place is actually a total blast. conditions over the next few days – even if it kills me. Take up winter sports Hang out in igloos The next day I meet Montrealer Ruby Roy, who’s sporting The first stage doesn’t go too well. I stagger into the hotel lobby in Montreal to meet my tour guide, wearing a couple of long-sleeved T-shirts, two jumpers, a cardigan, coat, scarf and heavy leather boots. I can hardly walk, but otherwise am feeling completely invincible. When I meet Hugo, I have difficulty raising one of my chubby arms to shake hands. He looks concerned. “Didn’t you bring any proper winter clothes?” he asks. I laugh, but quickly realise he wasn’t joking as we step outside and the wind whistles right through my layers. Then wet snow soon starts seeping through my woolly hat. This is going to be an absolute nightmare, I think, as we bundle into a taxi – we’re off to have lunch in an igloo. The Snow Village is open each year from January through

a huge, luxurious red velvet coat and, in true local style, managing to look both fabulously glamorous and nonchalant about the cold. “Montrealers like hockey, eating, cycling and arts, strictly in that order. If you don’t like hockey, we say, don’t come here,” she announces firmly. Hockey here of course means ice hockey, and gradually I start to understand the full extent of the national obsession with the game. They talk about ice hockey all the time, even when they’re not talking about ice hockey. “We say you’re ‘hanging up your skates’ when you retire and if someone tells you you’re ‘quick on your skates’ it means you’re witty,” Ruby says. You’d have to pull a lot of strings (and shell out big bucks) to get tickets to see a big ice hockey game in Montreal, but ›› tntMagazine.com

Clockwise: Montreal’s Old Town; raving at Igloofest; a city jazz bar; and tobogganing on Bois de Liesse Photos: Mathieu Bichat; Andre Rider; Miguel Legault; Annick Vaillancourt; Quays of the Old Port of Montreal

there are plenty of other winter sports going on all the time throughout the city. One of the best and most scenic is the ice skating rink at the Old Port, where you can see the historic buildings of Old Montreal and the wide St Lawrence river. This is an area which really shows its colonial past – the rink faces Bonsecours Market, which was designed by a British architect in 1844 and has a stately grandeur that reminds me of central London, while just behind, the cobbled streets and small, cosy cafes, jazz clubs and wine bars of the Old Town are oh-so Parisian. The ice rink stays open until 10pm at weekends, and each night is themed, so skaters swish round to the likes of Wham! if it’s Friday’s Eighties night, or possibly some thundering Beethoven if it’s a Classical Monday. As for the infinitely less skilled (but equally fun) winter sport of tobogganing, that takes place on Bois de Liesse Nature Park where there are two hills dedicated just for whizzing down.

powdery snow and flinging it in all directions over the square. I decide to stay right where I am and to admire the views from near the car heater. The only unremarkable structure, Ruby says, is the plain black building called 500 Place d’Armes. However, she adds, with a glint in her eye: “That one is where the firemen come to practice sometimes – and then the whole square fills with women and, I can tell you, that’s definitely the only building anyone’s lookin’ at then...”

Avoid skyscrapers The main reason why there aren’t any skyscrapers in Montreal is that they create wind tunnels, which would make the gusts here just too ferocious. The evidence of this is plain in Place d’Armes, a square which I’m looking at from the comfort of Ruby’s car. She tells me this spot is famous partly because you can see examples of every one of Montreal’s architectural traditions standing shoulder to shoulder, including the Gothic spires of the Notre-Dame Basilica cathedral and the red sandstone of the renaissance New York Life building. But also, because of all these imposing buildings, it’s the coldest spot in Montreal. I believe it: the wind is picking up sheets of the light, 74

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Idyllic: the ice rink by Bonsecours Market

Party at festivals Living up to its reputation as Canada’s ‘city of culture’, Montreal puts on festivals all year round. Huge winter event Montreal en Luminère is a cultural highlight, with theatre, gastronomy, dance and arts all on the programme. Tonight, however, I find myself at a far more low-brow event – it’s basically an enormous rave in bobble hats. Igloofest is held over four weekends each winter and essentially involves 10,000 twenty-somethings, all dressed up in the most retro ski suits they can find, coming out to dance in the snow. The event’s production director Patrice Moïse explains: “Everyone wears the ugliest outdoor wear they can get their hands on – it’s become a bit of a challenge. “ There are two stages and plenty of bars to top up on Tia Maria, beer and Jägermeister, which seem to be the wintry tipples of choice here. When the headline DJ comes on,

“

It’s an enormous rave in bobble hats

”

the crowd starts going absolutely nuts, a sea of neon hats dancing, moshing and jostling. People are crowd-surfing, sitting on each other’s shoulders and some, despite the cold, are even tearing their tops off, warmed by the heat of the crowd and probably a few Jägerbombs too. Moïse sums up the atmosphere perfectly: “The thing is, everyone gets pissed off with the cold in winter, but this gives you a chance to remember when you were a kid and you just loved going outside when it was snowing. Igloofest lets you do that again.” So that’s how they manage to have fun in Montreal, when it’s -20ºC and seems like a constant blizzard for three months. Take a tip from your five-year-old self, wrap up warm and, albeit in a grown up way, just get out there and play in it. ❚ NEXT WEEK Helen travelled with Tourism Montreal tourisme-montreal.org More on the Snow snowvillagecanada.com Village at

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simply st peteâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s

4 days

ÂŁ599

anzac uncovered

6 days

ÂŁ299

mood for moscow

4 days

ÂŁ479

anzac smoko

8 days

ÂŁ449

vodka shot

9 days

ÂŁ649

anzac bonzer

11 days

ÂŁ499

helsinki to st peteâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s

9 days

ÂŁ899

anzac cobber

14 days

ÂŁ649

back in the ussr

9 days

ÂŁ849

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14 days

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NUMBER #1 SPECIALISTS IN EGYPT!

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pharaohs adventure

6 days

ÂŁ549

sand blaster

13 days

ÂŁ349

king tutankhamen

9 days

ÂŁ679

dunes and tombs

18 days

ÂŁ429

egypt uplugged

11 days

ÂŁ799

nile and siwa oasis

15 days

ÂŁ479

king ramses

14 days

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GENUINE ADVENTURES DONE IN STYLE....

Southeast Asia V tnam, Cam a & La

China

Gr t W ls, For d n C s & T ra a W ors

8 days

ÂŁ579

china express

7 days

10 days

ÂŁ699

great wall & warriors

9 days

ÂŁ1279 journey to angkor wat 15 days

ÂŁ749

chinese checkers

11 days

ÂŁ1349 sampa, sampans & saigon 14 days

ÂŁ899

chinese new year

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ÂŁ1179 vientiane to vietnam

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22 days

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sailing split

8 days

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taj and tigers

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cruise debronik

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ÂŁ749

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cruise the med

8 days

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pharaohs adventure

6 days

ÂŁ299

city of sultans

4 days

ÂŁ349

king tutankhamen

9 days

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galipolli & troy wkd

4 days

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10 days

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7 days

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Istanbul * Gallipoli * Troy * Ephesus * Pamukkale * Fethiye * Cappadocia

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forget!

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Egypt & Jordan

PYramIds & NILe saILINg!

Packages from

£259

Egyptian Express - 9 days

fr £259

Pyramids & Beaches -14 days

fr £359

Pyramids to Petra - 16 days

fr £879

ADVENTURE TOURS

GALLIPOLI 25th April The Dawn Service at ANZAC Cove is an amazing experience and will leave lasting memories. Also a great time to experience the diverse culture of Turkey fr £109 Tours from 2 - 14 days

TURKEY Best of Turkey - 10 days

fr £459

Coast to Cappadocia - 12 days

fr £509

Totally Turkey - 14 days

fr £599

Turkey & Egypt - 18 days

fr £699

Istanbul to the Red Sea - 23 days

fr £799

RUSSIA Vodka Shot - 6 days

fr £449

MOROCCO Marrakech & Beyond - 8 days

WESTERN FRONT

fr £549

Marrakech, Sahara & Surf - 11 days fr £749

COMING UP FOR 2013! OKTOBERFEST Running of the Bulls

CROATIA fr £159

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fr £369

ROYALASCOT

LA TOMATINA Tomato Fight

Sailing Split - 8 days

fr £149

Race days out

fr £79

The ANZAC’s suffered their biggest loss of lives in Belgium and France during WW1 and our visit is a poignant experience, including the Last Post at the Menin Gate and battlefield walks. fr £219 Tours 4 days

Full itineraries and tour information can be found on our website or by calling our office. First Festival Travel, 68 North End Rd, London W14 9EP Closest Tube: West Kensington

21/02/2013 16:00:19

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spo w e f t

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£189

Watch Dublin turn in to a sea of Green as we join with the locals to celebrate Irish Style! And a trip to Dublin wouldnt be complete with out a trip to the Guinness Brewery! Choose our coach tour or meet us in Dublin

TRAVEL

Packages from

LAS FALLAS

VaLeNCIa 17tH - 20tH marCH

Packages from

£169

Spains biggest festival is a week of fireworks, street parties, parades and off course the gastronomic delights of Valencia. Join us for a four day experience like no other

QUEENS DAY

amsterdam 28tH aPrIL - 1st maY

Packages from

£159

Be prepared to be “oranged” as the Dutch go crazy celebrating their Queens Birthday. Street Parades and Parties, huge outdoor concerts, outdoor flea markets and much more. We have coach tours or accommodation only.

SAN FERMIN

PamPLONa 6tH - 14tH juLY

Packages from

£129

Running of the Bulls ! Join the locals for the opening day party which seems to go for days, then try you hand at being chased by bulls. You will be at Pamplona’s premier campsite for your stay with plenty of party nights and activities.

IBIZA - Pamps Crack On IbIza 8tH H - 12tH juLY

Packages from

£279

With over £150 of club entry, a booze cruise, and accommodation, this is too good to miss! Some say the island is a great place to recover from the madness of San Fermin, and some just want to kick start the summer.

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TNT_1539_089 89

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21/02/2013 16:01:18

europe

FAVOURITE EAST EUROPE & FESTIVAL TOUR OPERATOR 2012

WiFi is available on the Hop-on Hop-off coach network

FLEXIBLE COACH NETWORK THROUGH EUROPE

BACKPACK EUROPE ON A BUDGET FLEX I B I L I TY

* F F O 20% £166

★ Start and finish anywhere on the network ★ Change your coach days as often as you like free of charge

★ Break up your journey to do one of our Adventures, Treks and Festivals

TO SAVE SUTPART fr. £335

VALU E

CHOIC E

PASSES on all 2013 departures. * Valid AR. Pay in full by 31 M Book by 3 MAR. ode ‘earlybird2013’ Enter promoc

★ Ideal for the budget traveller – spend your

★ Every second day coach service from MayOctober from Hostel Door to Hostel Door ★ Party with your bus-mates or do your own thing ★ 3 weeks to 6 months - you decide how to spend your time

cash how you want to

★ Awesome Guides on the coach, full of local tips and advice

★ Book your accommodation through MyTrip with no booking fees!

NEW FOR 2013 - ONE-WAY SAIL DEPARTING SPLIT OR ZADAR Includes the party haven of Zcre Beach - one of the most happening places in Dalmatia, attracting top DJs from around the world. Enjoy the mix of natural wonders, local food, wine and historic towns. With cheap flights in and out of Zadar this is a great option for those on a budget.

Croatia One-Way Sail Highlights & Inclusions LINK UPe an

to mak both One-Ways sailing days 14 ble ta et rg fo un ubrovnik t-D pli r-S Zada

DEPARTS SPLIT OR ZADAR NEW FOR 2013 (JUL & AUG) 8 DAYS FROM £519 DEPARTS SPLIT OR DUBROVNIK (MAY - OCT) 8 DAYS FROM £449

Croatia Island Hopper DEPARTS SPLIT (APR - OCT) 8 DAYS FROM £424 WATCH CLIPS

/BusaboutTV 08450 267 514

TNT_1539_090 90

www.busabout.com/earlybird

• Anchor up and jump off

the boat into the Adriatic

• Captain the Pirate • • • • • • •

Cruiser as it sails along the Dalmatian coast Orientation walks Boat Captain & local Crew English speaking Busabout Guide 7 nights accommodation on board (bedding included) 7 breakfasts and lunches Secluded swim stops Sunbathing on the deck

info@busabout.com

* F F 20%O £163 UP SAVE departures for er. on MAY & JUN pp TO

* Valid land Ho One-Way and Is Split/Dubrovnic AR. Pay in full by 31 MAR. M Book by 3 e ‘croatia2013’ Enter promocod

NEWS & VIEWS

/BUSABOUTeurope

@busabout 22/02/2013 13:29:21

FINA 2 WEE L KS OFFE RE 3 MAR NDS CH

BUSABOUT ADVENTURES 15% OFF* SAVE up to £124 E SAV UP TO 7 8 £ E SAV UP TO £44

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E SAV UP TO 2 3 £ E SAV UP TO £75

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E SAV UP TO £77

7 DAYS

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4 DAYS £319 NOW £271

SAVE £48

DEPARTS LONDON 29 MARCH

Make the most of your long weekend and head over to the stunning French capital and party in style INCLUSIONS: Your fantastic Busabout Guide / Return coach & ferry from London to Paris / 3 nights accommodation / 3 breakfasts / Welcome dinner & drink / Bike tour & river cruise / Trip to Palace of Versailles with picnic lunch / Paris night tour by coach

11 DAYS

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EASTERN EUROPE

CLASSIC BALKAN 9 DAYS Istanbul to Split

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AMSTERDAM, HOLLAND

4 DAYS £299 NOW £254 DEPARTS LONDON 28 APRIL

15% OFEF£4*5

Everyone knows the Dutch love to SAV party but many still don’t realise to what extent the city of Amsterdam comes alive with the celebration of Queen’s Day.

INCLUSIONS: Your fantastic Busabout Guide / Return coach and ferry from London to Amsterdam / 3 nights accommodation / 3 breakfasts / 1 dinner / Orange party pack / Orientation walk of Red Light District Amsterdam / Countryside bike tour

7 DAYS Split to Istanbul

NOW FROM £390

* Valid on all 2013 departures. Book by 3 MAR. Pay in full by 31 MAR. Enter promocode ‘earlybird13’

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FAVOURITE EAST EUROPE & FESTIVAL TOUR OPERATOR 2012

Will you Pash or Dash? WIN UP TO £2,000 WORTH OF EUROPEAN TRAVEL PLUS EXCLUSIVE DRINK PROMOS 7 PM, THURSDAY 28 FEB @WALKABOUTSHEBU 56 SHEPHERD’S BUSH GREEN CENTRAL LINE CHECK OUT facebook.com/BUSABOUTeurope/events #Pashtag page for more info

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TNT_1539_091 91

www.busabout.com/earlybird

info@busabout.com

NEWS & VIEWS

/BUSABOUTeurope

@busabout 22/02/2013 13:29:24

1973

2013

CEL

EBR

4 DAY OUT ANZAC Raid

£319

£240

Visits Ypres, Lille, The Somme, Villers-Bretonneux & Amiens.

23-26 Apr 2013

Visits Istanbul & Gallipoli.

5 DAY ANZAC Patrol

8 DAY ANZAC Sortie

£285

£450

22-26 Apr 2013

Visits Istanbul & Gallipoli.

Egypt

AT I N G 4 0 Y E

SOLD

3 DAY ANZAC Western Front 23-25 Apr 2013

ANZAC

TOPDECK

14 DAY ANZAC Expedition 13-26 Apr 2013

£660

19-26 Apr 2013

Visits Istanbul, Ankara, Cappadocia, Konya, Antalya, Saklikent Gorge, Fethiye, Pamukkale, Kusadasi, Ephesus, Pergamon, Bergama, Troy and Gallipoli.

Visits Istanbul, Bursa, Kusadasi, Ephesus, Pergamon, Bergama, Troy and Gallipoli.

10 DAY Spirit of Egypt Dep. 24 March 2013

NOW

WAS £742

20%

£627

OFF

Includes US$270 food fund Favourite Big Tour Operator Favourite Ski/Winter Operator Favourite Tour Operator in Western Europe

19 DAY Ultimate Egypt Dep. 2 April 2013

NOW

WAS £763

£653

20% OFF

Includes US$345 food fund

L8291 / Y2992

TNT_1539_092 92

*Terms and conditions apply. Prices quoted are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off the base trip price only, and do not apply to food funds and local payments. Flights not included. Egypt trip price includes local payment based on $1 = £0.618, which must be paid locally in USD. The 7.5% ’Early Bird Discount’ is valid for new bookings paid in full between 29 Dec 2012 and 28 Feb 2013 only. The 7.5% ’Early Bird Discount’ applies exclusively to all EuroClub, EuroHotel, EuroCamping, Explorer & Winter trips listed in Topdeck’s 2013 Europe brochure. The’ Early Bird Discount’ can be combined up to a maximum of 17.5% with any one of our standard brochure discounts with the exception of the ‘Early Payment Option’. The discount does not apply to Food Fund, Sailing Fund, local payment or pre/post accommodation. Normal cancellation conditions apply. Topdeck reserves the right to withdraw this offer at any time. The save up to amount is based on our Discover Europe trip in high season. For full terms and conditions please visit www.topdeck.travel

21/02/2013 16:01:37

20% OFF

Ski Trips Austria EuroClub

18 DAY Winter Getaway

8 DAY Ski Austria

Dep. 23 March 2013

Dep. 30 March 2013 FROM

TRAVEL

Europe in Winter

UP TO

Includes Paris, Rome, Salzburg, Prague, plus more!

£399

WAS £1250 NOW

What’s Included:

Snow bike pub crawl, traditional Austrian Xmas Dinner on Xmas week, PLUS MORE!

£1147

Includes £220 food fund

Europe Summer Sale

DON’T FORGET!

T TRAVEL SH3:3O0PWM VISIT US AT TH6PEM,TN SUN 10 MARCH 10AMSAT 9 MARCH 10AM-

N BUSINESS DESIGN CENTRE - ISLINGIZTOES! DISCOUNTS, COMPETITIONS & PR

HURRY DON’T MISS OUT!

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catch us at

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FF 7.5% O Feb Ends 28th

Festivals in Europe 4 DAY Amsterdam Easter 29 March - 1 April 2013

£249

Amsterdam beckons on this amazing value Easter break. Canals, clogs, bikes, world class museums, the Red Light District… and did we mention the nightlife? Don’t let Easter go to waste – spend it with Topdeck in Europe’s party capital!

4 DAY Brugge Easter 29 March - 1 April 2013

£279

Beautiful Brugge is one of the best preserved medieval cities in Europe and has a wealth of eye-catching buildings. Soak up the architecture and ambience, and be sure to sample delicious Belgian beers, chocolates and waffles!

4 DAY Las Fallas, Valencia 17-20 Mar 2013

£169

The people of Valencia celebrate their patron saint’s day and the passing of winter with a fiery party of ferocious proportions. Over 400 spectacular effigies are constructed for one reason – to be burnt to a cinder to welcome in the new Spring.

CALL 0845 257 5210

Open 8am-9pm

TNT_1539_093 93

21/02/2013 16:01:39

TRAVEL

Travelling to Europe on a Walkabout? Cover valid throughout EU and other countries* Cover available for Campers including Vans Cover for periods ranging from 15 days to 1 year No permanent address needed, documents can be emailed Overseas driving licence acceptable *for more detailed information visit

hertsinsurance.com/walkabout 2U FDOO +,& WR GLVFXVV ﾃ？[LEOH FDU LQVXUDQFH for up to 12 months

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Herts Insurance Consultants Ltd is authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority No 309073

TNT_1539_094 94

tntMagazine.com

21/02/2013 16:01:41

SAVE UP TO £ 5

HIGHLAND FLING DAYS (MON ) £199 NOW £169 / STUDENTS NOW £161 *

DEPARTS EDINBURGH 8.30AM, 29 & 30 MAR ISLE OF SKYE, LOCH NESS & GLENCOE

Loch Ness, Isle of Skye & North West Highlands

INCLUDES: Your legendary local Guide / FREE Lonely Planet guidebook of Europe

SKYE HIGH DAYS (MON & FRI) £119 NOW £101 /STUDENTS NOW £98 *

EASTER IN WALES 3 DAYS £185

Isle of Skye, Loch Ness & Glencoe

DEPARTS LONDON 7.30AM, 30 MAR CARDIFF & BRECON BEACONS

* Valid on FEB, MAR & APR departures. Excludes 29, 30 MAR and 1 APR. Book by 3 MAR. Enter promocode ‘wintersale’

plus ENGLA N & WALE D S

HIGHLAND EASTER 3 DAYS £119 STUDENTS £115

EASTER COMPASS BUSTER DAYS DEPART 30 &31 MAR £429 NOW £365 /STUDENTS NOW £348 †

EASTER ISLAND EXPLORER DAYS DEPART 30 &31 MAR £299 NOW £254 /STUDENTS NOW £242 †

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MEASURING UP: The pub outside Old Street station is a total rip-off. A white wine costs £5.50 and I’ve had shots that were bigger than the measure I was poured! If the barman wasn’t intimidatingly sexy, I’d have kicked off. Sal MUM’S THE WORD: Smash Pash, your mum can come to our place anytime. She’s cooked every night for a week, laughed when I came home shitfaced and then made me a sandwich. Also, the place is spotless and you’re acting like way less of a dick head than normal. Nice one. Eddie

BAD TIMING: DJ, a pleasant Saturday night dinner with friends isn’t the time to air all of your grievances about our friendship from a fucking decade ago. If I’ve gotten over it you should have too – and your assumption that your version of events is anything close to accuracy is laughable. Pull you head in and don’t deflect your negativity about your shitty life onto me. Marty OH, THE FLAME TREES: Whoever you were, I love you. We met at the bar, you had glimmering raven hair. I said I liked it. You looked at me like I planned to murder your firstborn. Then I said you remind me of Cold Chisel’s Flame Trees, to which you replied, I fucking love that song. First, you said “fuck” casually, then you loved Chisel. And then you were gone. Same bar next week? Simon LORD OF THE DANCE: Sweet bird boy: that dirty dancing sesh was a bit out of the blue, wasn’t it? Not sure what all that was about, but it was damn good fun all the same. I’m loved up, but there’s no harm in a little bit of bump and grind, right? Your housemate’s mate COUGAR ON CALL: To the 22-year-old I met at Craig Charles at Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes, I lied. I’m 27. That’s not too old, surely? Call me. J FRIENDS AGAIN?: Glamourpuss: just wanted to say I’m so happy you’re out of that married man phase and doing well for yourself. Let’s put that shitty email you sent me behind us and move on. Chebs

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YOGA BUM: We’re often next to each other at Bikram. You’re so fit, and I love that you’re confident enough to stretch out in nothing but those little shorts and sports bra. Thanks to you, the only part of me that’s limbered up over the months is my rubber neck. Maybe you could help me with some one-on-one sessions? Stiffy DEAR LUNCH: I am so sad I missed you today. I thought I’d feel younger, sexier and sleeker if I forwent you, but I was wrong. I felt queasy and irritable. I’ve taken you horribly for granted. I love you. You always keep me on my toes. One day you might be a spicy minx, another you could be warm and comforting. I won’t let it happen again. Yours, Little Miss Hungry BIRTHDAY BLUE: Thank you to Nicki and Gianni for the best birthday party ever. And sorry Mr Modena: despite your best gnome attempts, you did look more like a Smurf. And a very fierce, intimidating one at that. A+A DOUBLE TROUBLE: Comedy is supposed to be funny, doors are not supposed to be slammed. You are woeful at the former and a repeat offender for the latter. Sort it out, Tim. Or else you will be asked to shift on. IN A PICKLE: To the chick who nicked my gherkin outside the kebab shop on Clapham High Street. I like your cheeky style and blonde dreads – see you same place, same time next Saturday night? Trev HEY BELLY: What do you want from me? I crunch you, I scrunch

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