TNT Magazine / Issue 1542

March 18-24 2013 Issue 1542 tntmagazine.com

WIN!

KICK-ASS THEATRE

TICKETS TO STAGE COMEDY SMACK FAMILY ROBINSON

The new show that you control

MADRID

BY VESPA Motoring around the Spanish city

UKBA VISA SHAMBLES Join our campaign to get it sorted!

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N W O R B R D S HO I

to London s e m o c e h s comedian a s r e k n o b e h to catch t TNT’s quest + AFL SEASON PREVIEW GANGNAM STYLE IN SEOUL WALKING THE PENNINE WAY EARN POSH DOSH

ISSUE 1542 / £1.95

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14/02/2013 11:25:07

LAURA CHUBB EDITOR laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER Forget Hollywood, celebs are lining up to perform on London stages. Jude Law, David Tennant and David Walliams are doing the Bard; Sam Mendes is directing Charlie And The Chocolate Factory and Helen Mirren’s back as Queen Liz. Add that to Broadway hit The Book Of Mormon! Read all about it on P8. At the other end of the spectrum is anti-celeb Dr Brown – catch the elusive genius before he gets so big he’s scared into hiding (P26).

THIS WEEK

LONDONDIARY

4

LONDONNEWS

6

DRINK & EATS

12 &15

COMPETITION

14

@TNT

16

SPOTTED

18

LONDON SOUND

20

CHATROOM BEN WHEATLEY

23

LONDON SCENE

24

FEATURES

LONDON FOCUS

26

ACT IMMERSED

SPARE TIME

30

New, star-studded and revolutionary theatre is packing the London stages

Photos: Getty

LIFESTYLE

32-37

66

8

CAREERS

32

INTO THE BROWN

MONEY

35

LIVING

36

For an elusive comedian who performs mute, a stack of hype surrounds Dr Brown

NEWS & SPORT

38-48

TRAVEL

51-73

DIARY

52

NEWS

55

UK TRIP

56

LATE DEALS

58

HOTSHOTS

61

TOP FIVE

62

TIPS

64

CLASSIFIEDS DESPERATELY SEEKING

74-97 98

POWER HIKE FIGHT

70

26

36

Energy prices are going through the roof, so we ask experts how to keep bills down

TIME TO BOUNCE

46

The first Sherrin goes up this week – we get London clubs to preview AFL 2013

MADRID ON WHEELS

66

TNT finds the best way to explore all the Spanish capital’s top sites – on a scooter

SEOUL REVIVAL

70

Find your spiritual side and take on the East’s answer to the Jäegerbomb

8 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Editorial Group editor Carol Driver Editor Laura Chubb Content editors: Sub/ Sport Michael Gadd Travel Helen Elfer Entertainment Alasdair Morton Web Oliver Jones Social media Dan Thorne Contributors Daisy Carrington

LONDONDIARY

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Hail the ale: get in your shout at Over The Hop

Design and production Head of design and production Jon Cooke Design / picture editor Patricia Montenegro

Sales Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Sales executive Nichole Davis Sales administrator Abby Nightingale marketing & events Marketing and events executive Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh tnt MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst Publisher TNT Multimedia Limited Distribution Emblem Direct Ltd Printed by Wyndeham Peterborough Limited News AAP SAPA NZPA Pictures Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 111 Cannon Street, London EC4N 5AR tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com sales enquiries

Phone 020 7989 0567 Email sales@tntmagazine.com Where to get TNT

cover price: £1.95 where sold See tntmagazine.com/findtnt for pick-up points or tntmagazine.com/emag to read TNT online Subscriptions and Distribution Caroline Penn 01603 559004 All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

Shhh... SECRET LONDON over the hop beer festival parsons green

This two-day festival celebrates the hops in all their British glory. Breweries from across the UK and London, including a host of micro-breweries, will be on hand to tempt you with their finest selection of golden, blonde and IPA beers, with a load of dark drops also thrown in for good measure. The White Horse’s famous BBQ will be cranking out all the usual char-grilled goodies, such as burgers and hog roast, while rock/folk outfit The Stealers will play on the Saturday afternoon to make sure you’re entertained while you sup. free

Mar 22-24, Fri & Sat, until 12am & Sun, until 11.30pm The White Horse, 1-3 Parsons Green, SW6 4UL Parsons Green

uni music league comp

camberwell free film fest

SS Atlantica Ocean Party

It’s the fourth quarter final in this public-voted battle of the bands comp featuring The High Commissioners, Rubin and The Groovy Tuesdays, Jack Rosies and JOS. The winner gets to record an EP, a slot at this summer’s Wilderness fest and Koko support gig, and a photo and video shoot, too.

This two week orgy of silver screen wonder finishes up this Sunday, so get down and catch a free film and some tasty grub at one of the south London venues. Our top movie choices are Miranda July’s ace indie Me, You And Everyone We Know (The Crooked Well, Mar 18) and Withnail And I (The Recreation Ground, Mar 21).

This ocean linerthemed party harks back to when sailing across the ocean in one of the biggest ships man could design was the pinnacle of glamour and excess.

A luxury clipper will be transformed into a Thirties cruise liner, with cocktails, champagne, live floor shows, gambling tables, dancing and live bands.

Until Mar 24, times vary Denmark Hill Various venues freefilmfestivals.org

Mar 23, 8pm-2am Savoy Pier, WC2R 0EU Embankment ssatlantica.com

£5+

TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine.

Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers.

Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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whitehorsesw6.com

Mar 24, 5.30pm-10.30pm The Borderline, W1D 4JB Tottenham Court Road unimusicleague.com

FREE

£25

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Take a shine: Magic Hour, an illuminating installation

Represent your country

LIGHT SHOW South Bank

Awesome tours Sculptures and artworks from the Sixties onwards combine to illustrate and manipulate light and its effects. There’s pieces you can walk around, through, as well as interactive ones. There’s an expert-led tour on Mar 21, Light Bulb Moments on Mar 27, about the lives of our illuminating aids, and Poets After Dark, with 10 poets’ specially commissioned pieces accompanying the exhibition. £11+

Until Apr 28, times vary Southbank Centre, SE1 8XX

southbankcentre.co.uk

MICHAEL CAINE

1 BIG NIGHT OUT PUB CRAWL

One of the biggest movie stars ever, born and bred Londoner Sir Michael Caine, as he is now known, is the focus of this exhibition of never-beforeseen photos. This insightful celebration of his life and work looks at how the cockney lad turned into a Hollywood legend and celebrated British institution.

It’s the UK’s biggest daily pub crawl and has been since 2009. You’ll weave through the capital’s streets with a load of fellow booze-hungry backpackers, you’ll see the sights, get well and truly sauced, and even get a free T-shirt thrown in to remind you about it – a bit of help that you’ll likely appreciate.

Until July 14, 10am-6pm Museum of London, EC2Y 5HN Barbican museumoflondon.org.uk

Daily, 7.30pm Verve Bar, WC2H 9NY Leicester Square 1bignightout.com

FREE

Photos: Linda Nylind

Waterloo

Weekend festivals

Weekly after match socials

£13

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LONDONNEWS

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RIOT-HIT FANCY DRESS SHOP REOPENS

Who do you think you are?: Pop royalty graced normal Londoners with their presence on the Tube last week. Spice Girls Geri Halliwell and Emma Bunton showed their charitable side by giving up taxis for the day. How generous

A fancy dress shop which was torched during the London riots is reopening its doors, almost two years on.

Party Superstores in Clapham was gutted after looters started a blaze, which also destroyed the flats above.

A gang also stole masks to hide their identities as they went on the rampage in the area, which was one of the worst-hit.

The store’s managing director, Duncan Mundell, said: “We hope all customers that visited us before that night in 2011 will come back and see us again.

“That’s what our window display is about – a phoenix rising from the ashes.”

Justin Bieber says he’s never coming back to the UK. I don’t think I’ve been this proud to be British since the Jubilee celebrations @Stevelord tweets what the nation thinks after Bieber’s disastrous trip to London

LONDON RENTS CONTINUE TO SOAR If you thought you’ve had less cash in your pocket over the past year, here’s why: London rents have risen at an unprecedented rate.

Tenants in the capital have forked out an extra £54 a month since last year – the biggest rise in the country.

The cheapest rent is in north-east London at £520pcm, with the average tenant in the city paying £1086pcm.

ON THE TUBE THIS WEEK’S CLOSURES

CENTRAL: No service between Liverpool

Street and Grange Hill (via Newbury Park) all weekend. Replacement buses operating

CIRCLE: No Sunday service between Hammersmith and Edgware from 8pm METROPOLITAN: No service between Amersham, Chesham and Moor Park all weekend. Replacement buses operating

between Hampstead and Edgware.

Replacement buses operating

6

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Aussie actress denied visa UKBA says rock singer husband ‘too poor to support her’ An Aussie actress is being forced to live 17,000km from her new husband due to changes in visa regulations which state he’s too poor to support her.

Ebony Buckle was told by UKBA that her British partner Nick Burns’ earnings weren’t high enough for her to be granted a settlement visa – and they wouldn’t take her salary into account.

The 26-year-old, who met rock singer Nick while she was in London on a youth mobility visa, starred in the BBC1’s Inspector George Gently last year. They were married in September, but Ebony was told she had to return to Australia to apply for a settlement visa. Her application was refused due to financial requirements, as

Nick earned just £7221 last year, below the £18,600 threshold. Ebony earned more than that – and had been offered a £26k-ayear position in London, but immigration officials refused to take this into account.

“It was devastating when I received the rejection. We only got married a few months ago and all we want to do is share our lives together,” Ebony told the Daily Mail. “I felt like the acting was just taking off, but now it’s all had to be put on hold.”

Nick, from London, said: “The decision has taken its toll on my personal and mental health. It’s extremely frustrating.”

The couple are appealing the decision.

TNT is petitioning against the UKBA, demanding better services. See P42

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

Always wanted to learn how to make stuffed chocolate and almond tortellini? Sure you have. Now you can.

Indulge your sweetest fantasies at the London Chocolate Festival, taking place at the Southbank Centre from March 22-24. As well as stuffing your face at various tastings, visitors can book for a High Chai afternoon tea boasting chocolatey treats. While chocolate experts (yes, there is such a job) will be dishing out advice – as well as goodies – and you can learn how to create your ultimate chocolate bar.

You’ll also find high-end Easter eggs from posh chocolatiers, perfect for gifts for your friends. Or just for eating by yourself, alone in your room, late at night ... just us then?

See festivalchocolate.co.uk for more info.

Indulge: choc fest

Photos: Twitter; Thinkstock

NORTHERN: No weekend service

@tntmagazine

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15/03/2013 16:18:12

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15/03/2013 13:22:18

Time travel: Time Emporium takes theatre to new and surprising places

Immerse yourself A new production is set to redefine immersive theatre ahead of a year packed with top new London stage shows Words alasdair morton Have you ever sat in the theatre watching a play and known exactly how the story was going to end? Either because you know the plot already, having read the novel it’s based on or seen the movie, or you can just tell.

That’s not going to be an issue at the immersive theatre-going experience Wilfred Bagshaw’s Time Emporium, a time-travelling adventure in which you have an active influence on the outcome of the story.

“The audience can expect to be transported to another age and to immerse themselves in a story that has a narrative they directly control,” says Wilfred Bagshaw founder Josh Ford, explaining how his about-tolaunch project takes the audience back through time to key moments in history where they have a specific objective to carry out and an artefact to retrieve.

“They are sent back in time with a defined goal: a narrative objective which as an audience they must succeed in achieving,” he continues.

“There are multiple factions and routes available to them, just like in a roleplaying game, so the way in which they achieve it is up to them.”

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The story of this first installment sees the audience begin their journey through the shabby front of Victorian gentleman Wilfred Bagshaw’s shop, from where they will journey to Market Day in the year 1358.

“While the 100 Years War rages, our audience is plunged into a small Essex town, full of revolting peasants and bickering nobles, all of whom are under assault from the last grasp of the Great Plague,” Ford tells us. Sounds fun, and not just to us – before the curtain has even gone up for the first time, the director has had to add a Saturday matinee performance to his opening weekend line-up, such has been the scale of the public’s response.

“Each expedition explores one time period in all its multifaceted glory,” Ford continues of his grand plans for the Time Emporium’s potential erahopping destinations.

“In the future we shall go anywhere from the last days of the Roman Republic to the American Civil War,” he tantalises, clearly enjoying his new project and the possibilities he now has at his fingertips.

As much as the ‘make your own

adventure’ elements of the story make this a different theatre experience to those you usually find in the West End, it’s not just all about the time-travelling exploits: “The audience will also get an awesome, Dark Ages-themed party afterwards, too,” Ford promises.

The time-travelling show is but the opener to an evening where theatre is mashed together with clubbing, and superstar DJs such as Stereo MCs and Norman Jay will be headlining on the Friday and Saturday nights.

Meanwhile, over the next few months, London theatre has a wealth of top new productions to take your fancy, from intimate shows, Broadway exports such as Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s The Book Of Mormon, to major star-studded seasons that see Jude Law, Judi Dench and David Walliams treading the capital’s boards.

So check out our rundown of the shows not to miss this year.

MORE NEW LONDON THEATRE ›› Wilfred Bagshaw’s Time Emporium. March 22 & 23. £25 Village Underground, EC2A 3PQ Old Street time-emporium.com

30% OFF

Leading the way: the esteemed Mr Bagshaw

New Bard: David Walliams and Sheridan Smith star in a new A Midsummer Night’s Dream

March 23rd – 29th Normally £259 – Now £181 March 23rd – 29th Normally £279 – Now £195 March 25th – April 1st Normally £279 – Now £195 April 1st – April 7th Normally £259 – Now £181

For 30% off BOOK ON 18th & 19th March only

Hear the word: Park and Stone’s globe-trotting The Book Of Mormon is already a West End hit

for 48 hours only!

A Midsummer Night’s dream noel coward theatre

the coloUr puRple the musical menier chocolate factory

West End star Sheridan Smith (Legally Blonde) and Little Britain star and charity swimmer David Walliams take centre stage for this fourth production in the Michael Grandage season at the Noel Coward Theatre.

The former plays Titania, queen of the fairies, and the latter weaver Bottom in the Bard’s classic comedy where love at first sight proves less a life-changing delight and more an affliction. An exciting new production of one of the all-time greats.

Tony Awardwinning director John Doyle leads this new musical adaptation of Alice Walker’s 1987 epistolary novel, which made her the first African-American woman to win the Pulitzer Prize for fiction. It tells the story of Celie and her family, and their life in the US south of the Thirties. Walker’s tale is a modern classic that’s been translated into more than two dozen languages, adapted for the screen by Steven Spielberg and has now been adapted into this poignant, landmark musical.

£10

Sep 7-Nov 16, 7.30pm; Wed/Sat, 2.30pm WC2N 4AU Leicester Square michaelgrandagecompany.com

£TBC

charlie and the chocolate factory drury lane theatre Director Sam Mendes follows up his block-bustin’ Bond Skyfall with a return to his roots, the stage. He helms a new musical adaptation of Roald Dahl’s classic about the young boy, magical sweet-maker Willy Wonka and his decidedly weird factory. The most challenging thing, Mendes says, is making “the familiar feel weird again”. A tale loved by all, this is going to be one of this year’s tastiest triumphs. £25+

May 18-Nov 30, 7.30pm; Wed/Sat, 2.30pm WC2B 5JF Leicester Square charlieandthechocolatefactory.com

3some etcetera theatre After a sell-out run at last year’s Camden Fringe Festival, where it won rave reviews right across the board and was nominated for pick of the fest by Everything Theatre blog, this quirky, challenging and risqué comedy-drama –about a couple’s drunken night with their best friend – makes a three-week return to the London stage. Must-see. £9.50

knock yourself out the courtyard

the great gatsby ballet sadler’s wells Check out a ballet version of F Scott Fitzgerald’s roaring Twenties state-of-the-nation tale in the same month that Aussie Baz Luhrmann’s big screen version is due to hit, too. £12+

May 14-18. Times vary EC1R 4TN Angel sadlerswells.com

This new play from Tom Holloway with Danielle Watson (This Is England) and Jenni Herzberg (Spooks) leading a top young cast looks at the tough situation facing the youth of today, with unemployment levels and financial instability making it hard to move from the student world to the adult one. Topical and funny with serious themes, spotlighting problems we all now face.

A new production of Jonathan Harvey’s 1993 tale of love between two young men on an inner city council estate.

The prolific writer Alan Ayckbourn made his breakthrough with this 1967 comedy of errors, where a man sets about trying to ask his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage. The start of one of the most celebrated voices in theatre, this time with Felicity Kendal starring.

Until Mar 24, 7.30pm N1 6EU Shoreditch High Street thecourtyard.org.uk

Apr 13-May 25, times vary WC2H 7JB Leicester Square artstheatrewestend.co.uk

May 14-Aug 31, 7.30pm; Wed/Thur/ Sat, 2.30pm WC2H ODA Leic Sq delfontmackintosh.co.uk

£16.50

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Mar 19-Apr 7, times vary NW1 7BU Camden Town watch3some.co.uk

beautiful thing arts theatre £20+

Jul 5-Sep 14, Tue-Sat, 8pm; Sat/Sun, 3.30pm SE1 1RU London Bridge menierchocolatefactory.com

relatively speaking wyndham’s theatre £19.50

the audience gielgud theatre From Peter Morgan (The Queen; Frost/ Nixon), this fascinating new play pitches Dame Helen Mirren (above) as HRH once more (she won an Oscar for her 2006 film portrayal). The Queen has always held weekly meetings with the day’s prime minister – she’s presided over 12 now – but the content of them has forever been kept secret.

Morgan imagines what’s been said behind those mysterious closed doors. £25+

Until Jun 15, Mon-Sat, 7.30pm; Wed/Sat, 2.30pm W1D 6AR Leicester Square delfontmackintosh.co.uk

henry v noel coward theatre

richard II barbican Former Doctor Who star David Tennant (pictured, below) returns to the Royal Shakespeare Co. after a stint as Macbeth five years ago to take on the titular regal role in this winter season-launcher. £10+

The fifth and final production in the Grandage season sees London-lad-turnedHollywood-mega-star Jude Law getting down to some stage thesping as he takes on the central role in this Bard adaptation. A big celeb up close and intimate in this powerhouse production. £10

Dec 9-Jan 25, times vary EC2Y 8DS Barbican barbican.org.uk

Nov 3-Feb 15, 7.30pm; Wed/Sat, 2.30pm WC2N 4AU Leicester Square michaelgrandagecompany.com

peter and alice noel coward theatre The third of five productions in the Michel Grandage season, and the only new one, John Logan’s drama stars Judi Dench and Bond alumni Ben Whishaw as the title characters, the inspiration for JM Barrie’s eternal boy Peter Pan and Lewis Carroll’s Alice (of Wonderland fame). This could also, due to the star-wattage of the two leads, be one of the season’s best. £10+

the cripple of inishmaan noel coward theatre Potter-no-more Daniel Radcliffe stars in this Grandage revival of Martin McDonagh’s Irish-set coming of age classic. £10+

Jun 8-Aug 31, 7.30pm; Sat, 2.30pm WC2N 4AU Leicester Square michaelgrandagecompany.com

once the musical phoenix theatre The charming Celtic musical drama about a Dublin busker and a Czech girl was the low-budget movie hit of 2007 – Steven Spielberg said it was one of his faves of the year and Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová’s Falling Slowly won the best original song Oscar. Its Broadway reinvention won eight Tony Awards, so we can’t wait for it to land here.

Until Jun 1, 7.30pm; Sat, 2.30pm WC2N 4AU Leicester Square

the book of mormon prince of wales theatre Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s offensively hilarious musical satire stunned critics and audiences in New York and finally hits these shores. Best show of the year? You’d be a fool to bet against it. £37.50+

Photos: Jillian Edelstein

barking in essex wyndham’s theatre Essex-based funnyman Lee Evans stars in this comedy from late screenwriterturned-playwright Clive Exton. Evans is Algie Parker, an Essex hardman out after seven years inside who’s post-jail life isn’t as rosy as the £3m-plus he’s stashed should make it. A top British comedy with a top British cast to boot. £22.50

sweet bird of youth the old vic

US actor Robert Sean Leonard (Dead Poet’s Society; House) plays Atticus Finch in this Open Air Theatre production kicking off the summer season including Pride And Prejudice, The Winter’s Tale and The Sound Of Music.

This time-straddling, multimedia production flits between years, locations and media forms in its dissection of humankind. Challenging, Ed Fringe-winning work.

The West End has always welcomed stars from Hollywood – Christian Slater took on One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest; Gwyneth Paltrow appeared in Proof; David Schwimmer starred in Neil LaBute’s Four Girls; Danny DeVito tickled plenty of ribs in last year’s The Sunshine Boys. Sex And The City star Kim Cattrall becomes the latest US star to tread the UK boards when she stars as a fading Hollywood legend in this production of Tennessee Williams’ powerful drama about fading hope and the reality of failure. Bummer.

May 16-Jun 15, 7.45pm NW1 4NU Camden Town openairtheatre.com

Jun 14 & 15, 7.30pm N12 0GA West Finchley artsdepot.co.uk

Jun 1-Aug 31, times vary SE1 8NB Waterloo oldvictheatre.com

Until Aug 24, 7.30pm (Weds & Sat, also at 2.30pm) W1D 6AS Charing Cross delfontmackintosh.co.uk

£25+

Until Nov 30, Mon-Sat, 7.30pm; Thurs/Sat, 3pm WC2H 0JP Leicester Square phoenixtheatrelondon.co.uk

michaelgrandagecompany.com

to kill a mockingbird regent’s park £25

Sep 6-Jan 4, 2014. Times TBC WC2H 0DA Leicester Square delfontmackintosh.co.uk

after the rainfall arts depot £14

£29+

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Cosy and convivial: go for Sunday lunch at the Scolt

PUB THE SCENE From the street this might seem little more than an average suburban pub: an off-white Georgian tooth towering alone in the acute angle of a De Beauvoir junction. But once you’re through the door it becomes apparent this is the type of place almost entirely frequented by hip young people who work for ‘creative agencies’. Not that that’s always a bad thing; this lot are OK, if you’re willing to indulge them a bit, an activity which usually consists of guessing the ‘amazing new blue chip client we hooked in Miami’. A small central bar is flanked by a cosy fire, with three large rooms adjoining. The long tables set out for dining can seem a bit bleak and underlit in the day, but as the evening wheels around the place becomes much more welcoming as an improbably convivial atmosphere overtakes the pub.

THE GRUB Of particular note are the pub’s sublime Sunday lunches. A tight menu of pub favourites (think burgers and pies) is tempered with some delightful gastronomic flourishes (try the slow braised pork cheek).

Among your standard continental lagers, there’s a small, but considered selection of ales from local breweries, such as London Fields.

BILL PLEASE Pints from £3 (no, really); wine from £3.80 a glass; mains from £10.

VERDICT May be a bit much for the intensely hipster averse, but the staff are remarkably pleasant, the food is superb and the atmosphere will stay with you. OJ BEHIND THE BAR

107A Culford Rd, N1 4HT

thescolthead.co.uk

3 OF THE BEST TRENDY PIZZA

Dalston Junction/Haggerston

FRANCO MANCA

BROOKLYN BITE

VOODOO RAY’S

There’s always a queue outside this hot spot in Brixton Village, and with good reason – the sourdough pizzas are nothing short of sublime.

Wash ‘em down with one of the organic wines.

This joint on King’s Road promises a slice of NYC, serving thin-base Big Apple-style pizzas (think the ‘Fugetaboutit’), and there’s even a cocktail lounge in the basement. Set to reopen soon following a refurb.

A sister venue to Dalston Superstore on Kingsland High Street, Voodoo Ray’s in the heart of hipsterland doles out huge slices and frozen margaritas, plus craft brews if you want something frothier (think Punk IPA).

francomanca.co.uk

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HOW TO ENTER

Go to tntmagazine.com/competitions. See webpage for terms and conditions. Winners will be selected at random

Keith Allen and Denise Welch Harry Melling

TICKETS TO SEE SMACK FAMILY ROBINSON TNT has 10 pairs of tickets to give away for stage comedy Smack Family Robinson, wherein Richard Bean (author of the multi-awardwinning sensation One Man, Two Guvnors) has relocated his outrageous black comedy to leafy, suburban Petersham.

The Robinsons have run a successful – if illegal – family business since the Sixties. They have a comfortable house and expensive cars in the drive. But the younger generation aren’t like their dad. And the police are getting interested ...

Actor Richard Wilson directs an amazing cast, including Kate Lamb, Harry Melling and Matthew Wilson.

Contains strong language and adult themes. Tickets valid between March 28 and April 20, 2013.

Enter at tntmagazine.com/competitions rosetheatrekingston.org

WIN

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15/03/2013 15:29:12

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BITE SIZE

Meat-free menu: inside The Gate

FINGER LICKIN’ GOOD And the pop-up bandwagon keeps rolling on ... only now, it’s crashed into the gourmet fast food bandwagon, melding into an all-new mutated beast of a bandwagon that we like to call ‘the pop-up gourmet fried chicken bandwagon’. You can jump on it at The Grafton pub in Kentish Town, where burger maestros Lucky Chip have turned their capable hands to chooks, serving up golden fried, free-range chicken with sides including creamed potatoes and country gravy.

Mmm. Then there’s the Mother Clucker team, who are headed for The Endurance in Soho from March 18 to April 28, dishing out twice-fried chicken marinated in sweet tea brine and awesome Southern-style sides from buttermilk biscuits to waffle cheese fries. Bring on the heart attack! thegraftonnw5.co.uk/food

the gate

theendurance.co.uk

VEGETARIAN

The Gate looks like a ‘normal’ restaurant: welcoming decor; soft lighting humming from low-hung lamps above dark-wooden tables; a large bar area; and the staff are friendly. It’s buzzing on a bitterly cold Wednesday night, but that’s not too unusual. The other diners look pretty normal as well. But something’s not quite ... ah, right, that’s what’s different – The Gate is a meat-free zone. It thrives on serving a vegetarian and vegan menu, and is London’s most successful veggie restaurant having opened its first branch in Hammersmith in 1989. And there’s not a vegetarian lasagne in sight ...

The grub I opt for the tasty Indo-Iraqi potato cake, filled with Indian-spiced baby corn, courgettes, carrots and served with a tamarind sauce and chutney. Across the table, my friend’s carciofini – baby artichoke filled with wild mushroom with puy lentil salsa – arrives also looking like a colourful work of art. Both get the thumbs up. Next are crispy aubergine schnitzels, layered with tangy apple wood-smoked cheddar, drizzled with fresh basil pesto and served with soft potato dauphinoise, salty pan-fried kale and finished with creamy horseradish sauce. My friend orders the beetroot ravioli, filled with artichoke, dolcelatte, basil and pine nuts and panfried with kale and served with puy lentil salsa. The only criticism is the pasta’s a little too al dente. On to dessert, which we’re far too full for but opt for the mezze anyway, which is a selection including sticky toffee and date pudding, black cherry and chocolate cheesecake, and apple, cinnamon and blackberry crumble. All divine.

THE SCENE

Don your best sombrero

LEAVE YOUR HAT ON Fancy a free burrito and a warm, fuzzy feeling inside? Who doesn’t? So make sure you mark March 28 on your calendar, as Mexican bar and kitchen Benito’s Hat is giving away free braised pork burritos to anyone who comes in wearing a hat and donates £1 to the cause of Brain Tumour Awareness Month. Valid between 3pm and 5pm. Enjoy! benitos-hat.com

Photos: Thinkstock

ROYALLY PISSED Something to look out for in April – the Regent Street Cocktail Safari attempts to make pub crawls swanky with a tour of the area’s signature drinks. More to come, or keep an eye online.

Try the Orange Cheesecake – juice, cinnamon, gin, mascarpone and Campari – cocktail. Amazing. Also a great selection of wines and beers.

Bill please Starters from £5.75; mains from £12.50; desserts from £3; fresh juices from £3.30; cocktails from £7.50; champagne from £6; wine £4.50/ £16.75 a glass/ bottle. verdict A judge at the London Restaurant Festival Awards summed it up nicely: “The Gate isn’t a good vegetarian restaurant; it’s simply a good restaurant.” CD Behind the bar

regentstreetonline.com 370 St John Street, EC1V 4NN

thegaterestaurants.com

Angel

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If the College of Cardinals prayed for help in picking the right Pope, shouldn’t the vote be unanimous?

Rachael

Took a massive gamble at the Cheltenham festival.

I went to the burger van

Jonah

Lottery: get a stamp or stamp your feet ‘Tesco buys Giraffe restaurants’. are they trying to corner the meat market? horse, donkey, mule, giraffe ...

Darin

Mothers, Women’s, Steak and Blowjob, Red Nose ... what about Thursday?

Laura

I’ve invented a system to stop my boyfriend from crashing all the time.

I’m going to call it the iDrive

Donna

to honour Hugo Chavez’s passing, I had his initials put on my taps

Pat

Steak and blow job day was nothing but a money making scheme. the steak was a tenner and the blowie cost a 50

Terry

catholics don’t seem to like the pope much – they keep calling him the holy c

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Pope Benedict resigned citing lack of energy at 85. Heff married 26-year-old at 87. Not a great ad for Celibacy

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Re: TNT’s UKBA Balls-Up, stop holding passports hostage campaign.

UKBA staff keep giving me a number to call to find out the progress of my application – even though they know calls to that number go to voicemail ALL THE TIME. Whenever I call a different number and someone picks up, they advise me to call the other number for an update on my application. Callous bunch of idiots!

Hyginus Iwuh, via email

UKBA DOING JOB

Re: UKBA Balls-Up: The biggest problem is a lot of people who come here also ‘forget’ to leave. I’m all in favour of stricter border controls. Genuine tourists and visitors won’t mind.

UKBA are criticised for being too lax, and rightly so, now they are being criticised for actually doing their job properly for once.

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Re: Above: David, you seem not to understand what people are complaining about. It is not the UKBA doing their job that is the problem, it is the length of time they take to deal with people’s application, a lack of communication and the absolute chaos at their offices, such as passports being lost in the UKBA offices (this has happened to two friends of mine) and much more.

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VEGANS RULE

Re: News view – why are we still eating processed meat?

(TNT 1541): I couldn’t agree with you more, Helen.

I’ve been vegan for about a year and come from a meat-eating upbringing.

The research which proves the link between meat eating (not just processed meat) and disease such as cancer isn’t even that new.

If we think about it, what is different about the food industry compared to other profit making businesses?

The answer is nothing. It’s a profit making business just like all others and they’ll cut costs wherever possible in order to survive and make money, just like any enterprise. The way I see it, being vegan helps me to ensure what goes into my body is as good quality and nutritious as possible.

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I would smile at her.

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Big Guns: Noel Gallagher curates a superstar line-up for teen cancer

festival

watch

the great escape

teenage cancer trust Royal Albert Hall, SW7 2AP Mar 19-25 | Doors at 6.45pm | £25

Brighton, May 16-18. £45+ weekend Brighton

ticket

mamacolive.com/thegreatescape

This week-long fest sees more than 350 up-and-coming bands – and the odd legend – play 30 Brighton bars and clubs in a UK riposte to the US’s South By Southwest. Aussie acts include Snakadaktal, Deep Sea Arcade, Hungry Kids of Hungary and Jagwar Ma, plus there’ll be Dinosaur PileUp, Stevie Neale, Swim Deep, Tom Odell (left) and more, and even folky Billy Bragg.

Charity gigs can often find their good cause let down by a sub-par line-up. Not so the Teenage Cancer Trust shows, which have continued to successfully marry top music acts with grassroots fundraising and impact. And this year’s line-up is unquestionably one of their finest.

With Brit rock legend Noel Gallagher curating, you know you aren’t going to get some flash-in-the-pan ‘act’ off the telly. No, he’s gone and put together a lineup that is broad, carrying both contemporary cool and established acts. There’s even a comedy fundraising night on March 20 with Russell Brand, Noel Fielding and a host of special guests.

First up for the seven-night series is US indie-rocker Ryan Adams, with Beth Orton as support. Scot rockers-cum-electro noisemakers Primal Scream headline the second music night (Mar 21) with Manchester’s Echo and The Bunnymen, then it’s the ‘new Scream’ Kasabian on Mar 22 supported by Dark Horses, and a Britpop Wars get-together the following evening (Mar 23) as Oasis’ Noel Gallagher and Blur’s Damon Albarn and Graham Coxon share the stage. Rizzle Kicks and Labrinth represent for the kids on Mar 24, while the modfather Paul Weller signs the whole thing off in style with up-and-comers Palma Violets on Mar 25.

All in all, this is a week-long orgy of hilarious comedy and world-class music in an iconic venue for a charity supporting young people fighting cancer – it’s a nobrainer, so get booking those tickets now.

South Kensington

teenagecancertrust.org

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NEW BAND

the jezabels GIG mar 22. 7.30pm £12

The Sydney gothic-indie rockers (frontwoman Hayley Mary, right) play this low-key London show. Their latest LP, Prisoner, was out last year to unanimous critical praise and this is likely the last time you’ll see them here before they hunker down to write and record its follow-up. They’re legends in the making – get out and support!

The Barfly 49 Chalk Farm Road, NW1 8AN Chalk Farm mamacolive.com/thebarfly

pacha presents

night moves: we are one

CLUB

CLUB

mar 22. 10pm-6am £10+

mar 23. 9pm-6am £7+

Two of the brightest stars from label WOLF Music, Mat Neale and Stu Clark, will be spinning the finest house, disco and soul tunes this evening. Colin Chiddle, from Art of Dark, Bobby Pleasure and Threez A Crowd will be lining up behind as well, to make sure you’re grooving all night long.

Jane Fitz and Jade Seatle found themselves with a problem a year ago – they couldn’t find anyone playing the deep house and techno they wanted to hear. So they threw their own party, with themselves as residents, and a year on this quarterly is still going. German DJ XDM is the birthday bash’s guest.

Pacha Terminus Place, Victoria, SW1V 1JR London Bridge pachalondon.com

A secret London location TBC residentadvisor.net

plus special guests Live in the UK German electro/hip hop sensation

DEICHKIND 10-04-13

Doors 7pm / 14+ show

ticketweb.co.uk / wegottickets.com A Schoneberg Concerts Presentation A SCHONEBERG CONCERTS PRESENTATION BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE AGENCY

LEIDER GEIL!

Photos: Getty

www.deichkind.de

shea The buzz so far This Croydon-born soul singer has been snagging great word-of-mouth buzz, with her debut single Where Did You Go getting played by the likes of Graham Norton on his BBC Radio 2 show.

After an ill-fated attempt to launch a girl band, she decided if she was going to break it’d have to be by herself and on her own terms, so she embarked on a solo career. Shea’s toured the club circuit, and has her self-penned soul and jazz infused debut Grey Skies And Rainbow Fingernails due out in April.

The Critics say “An up-and-coming UK soulstress” SoulandJazzFunk.com the plug Where Did You Go is out now through 2Point9/ThisIsArea7.

Plays Floripa, Mar 20. FREE EC2A 3HZ Old Street floripalondon.com

drill: london festival

soundcrash: DJ woody + more

eels

GIG

CLUB

GIG

mar 21-25. 7pm £7+

mar 22. 9pm-2am £5+

mar 21. 7.30pm £30

Post-punk band Wire organise their own festival, this five-night line-up of bands at north London’s The Lexington. Charlie Boyer, Comanechi, Gazelle Twin, Toy and Wire themselves on the final night will take to the stage to thrash out the tunes in what will be a highly eclectic collection of indie sounds.

Two-time world turntable champion DJ Woody (above), DJ BobaFett and his impeccable music knowledge, and Jon Kennedy are the stars at this old school night of hip-hop, soul, breaks and beats. They’ll be dipping into both the biggest tunes and the most obscure crate-digging oddities. Time to show your moves.

Eels frontman E, as he’s known, has made a career out of astonishingly personal, uncategorisable records (pop, blues, indie, electronica … you name it, he’s dabbled in it), and he hits town in support of latest long player Wonderful, Glorious, his 10th album which was released earlier this year.

The Lexington 96-98 Pentonville Road, N1 9JB Angel thelexington.co.uk

Concrete 56 Shoreditch High Street, E1 6JJ Shadwell soundcrashmusic.com

Brixton Academy 211 Stockwell Road, SW9 9SL Brixton o2academybrixton.co.uk

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Cheers: partying on the slopes

TNT ANZAC DAY BBQ Join TNT and Haggis Adventures at the Elk Bar to commemorate Anzac Day on Thursday, April 25.

Pre-register for the event online and get a free VB upon arrival, plus you’ll be entered into a draw to win amazing prizes courtesy of Scotland travel specialists Haggis Adventures.

There’s also a Two-up tournament – prizes up for grabs include Bilbao BBK Live tickets and more! Plus don’t miss the AFL Anzac Day screening and drink offers throughout the day.

SNOWBOMBING WITH TNT

Elk Bar, 12pm ‘til late on April 25 587 Fulham Road, SW6 5UA Fulham Broadway tntmagazine.com/anzacbbq

MAYRHOFEN, AUSTRIA

There’s still time to join TNT at “the greatest show on snow” in idyllic Mayrhofen, Austria, in April. Snowbombing is a festival filled with fresh air, blue skies, black runs and white-hot parties – a week-long whirlwind of world-class DJs and bands in a breathtaking alpine setting from April 1-6.

This year’s Snowbombing will be hosting acts including Kasabian and Carl Cox, with performances staged in unique venues from sky-high igloos to enchanted forest clearings. Stay just minutes from the action by booking our exclusive deal for the TNT Village, where dorm beds, including a Snowbombing wristband to the week’s events, start at £314pp, and double or twin rooms with a Snowbombing wristband are from £329pp.

2013, see

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snowbombing.com

Our five-week Spanish course commencing April 30 enables you to converse in shops, restaurants, read signposts, ask for directions, order drinks and learn the culture.

More info online.

Holland Park YHA, Holland Walk, Kensington, W8 7QU tntmagazine.com/school

Photos: TNT

To take advantage of our exclusive TNT Village offer and for more info on Snowbombing

SAVE THE DATE: TNT LANGUAGE SCHOOL

Quality New Zealand T-shirts kiwitshirt.com

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15/03/2013 17:29:38

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Ben Wheatley

The Kill List film director on his love of Eighties music, playing in the church of film and underground creatures INTERVIEW alasdair morton

How did you go from hitman thriller Kill List to a caravanning serial killer comedy, Sightseers? It’s quite a leap.

I had agreed to do it before Kill List, which I knew would be dark so I wanted a comedy afterwards. There is always the risk if I did another horror I’d be a genre filmmaker. Which is not to say that I won’t do another horror again sometime, but it would have been closing off a lot of avenues of opportunity and chances to play in cinema, which is a wide and glorious church. And I wanted to do something very improvvy and loose. This was the last chance to play for a while.

How did allowing the actors to go off script affect the film?

We knew what we wanted and the improv within is fairly close to the script. There are edges of improv and little things here and there – it wasn’t a caravan comedy that we improvised a load of murders into.

What does improv allow you to do?

It is more about allowing the characters to breathe. When a script is being batted around all the superfluous stuff is taken out, so it’s a lean mean fighting machine. But the victim of that is you lose some lighter moments, like Chris (Steve Oram) and Tina (Alice Lowe) just lying in bed.

How was it taking a quintessentially British film to the Cannes Film Festival?

I didn’t think of it as a British film, maybe that’s naive, but you are in your own bubble – you don’t walk down the street thinking, “I’m being really British today,” do you? It wasn’t until we got there and everyone went: “It’s very British isn’t it?” And if you went out to make something British you’d get it wrong and not be true to yourself. We were just true to the characters.

A British affair: Wheatley (right) on the hillside set of Sightseers

unusual, either. Whether anyone will let me do it I don’t know. It was tricky convincing people Sightseers wasn’t going to be Kill List 2.

People might have expectations after seeing Kill List...

Yes. Did you notice that they didn’t put ‘from the makers of Kill List’ on the poster?

Why the Eighties soundtrack?

I found it hard to put music in a film I didn’t like.

This is the first film where we had a big enough budget to license big tracks. I thought about what the characters would listen to and then thought, “Fuck it, I’ll use music that I like.”

I listen to Tainted Love every day, it’s so modern and clean, it could have been from yesterday.

It’s not Bonnie Tyler!

How was Cannes this time round?

Amazing, I’ve been there before working but to have a movie in the festival was mind-blowing.

But I tried not to think about it – if you invest too much in it, it’s a recipe for ego-destruction.

Why do comedy and horror go so well together, like The Evil Dead?

It’s an interesting one, The Evil Dead is like The Three Stooges on methamphetamine. It takes slapstick and exaggerates it. Underneath the gore it is the Keystone Cops – people being hit over the head and stuff, which never gets old.

Comedy and cruelty are bedfellows.

Do you think you’ll do a rom-com somewhere down the line?

For sure, I don’t think that would be that

Both films reference current Britain – is this an intentional thread in your work?

Everything has to be about something – nothing

is pure entertainment, you always need a starting point. I am interested in thinking about those things and even doing a period film like A Field In England [his black and white next project] doesn’t change that. It’s the English civil war, England is in free fall as people were trying to grasp some kind of meaning out of the country. So not a million miles away from now.

Not an experience left in the past...

No. I was watching this BBC show about [1600s artistic movement] The Barqoue period. People then were not more or less intelligent, they were people going through the same shit: the king’s an idiot, everything is bankrupted, he’s done a foreign war that’s gone wrong and now the taxes are being raised.

How do you go from that to your next big budget Hollywood movie, Freakshift?

I’m an ad director, too, so I’m not afraid of the budget or crew size being bigger – making something that engages with a big audience is exciting. It’s about a police force in a city in an alternate future where creatures come out of the ground every night and attack. We haven’t done the same thing twice yet and I hope we will continue [in that way] until we run out of movies.

Sightseers is out on DVD and Blu-ray on March 25 through StudioCanal

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Double trouble: McCarthy and Bateman deserve better

identity thief FILM review by Alasdair Morton Starring: Jason Bateman, Melissa McCarthy | 15 | 111mins | Out March 22

jack the giant slayer FILM Starring: Nicholas Hoult, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci | 12A | 113mins

Brit actor Hoult leads the starry cast of this fantasy rethink, in which Jack, his beanstalk-climbing adventures and a shedload of giants clash over who gets to run the earth. X-Men and Superman Returns helmer Bryan Singer directs this mega-budget (£131m) effects-laden event movie spectacle.

On general release March 22

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Jason Bateman was great in Arrested Development. Melissa McCarthy was brilliant in Bridesmaids. Throw them together and you should have comedy pyrotechnics, but what you get is more comedy bronze than gold.

Bateman is mild-mannered accountant Sandy (cue: loads too many jokes about his ‘unisex’ name) who has a wife and two daughters. He’s the type who plays by the rules and is always overlooked. When McCarthy’s party girl Diana steals his identity, clocking up debts and a criminal record as Sandy, he’s forced (via some narrative contrivances) to motor cross-country to bring her in and clear his name.

There are moments of brilliance, for sure – the two leads share great chemistry as McCarthy’s energetic mugging bounces off Bateman’s smart-casual eye-rolling as they’re stuck in the woods, engage in a threesome with a highly emotional cowboy called Big Chuck, and dodge a vicious bounty hunter (Robert Patrick).

Director Seth Gordon (Horrible Bosses; Four Christmases) has a firm grasp of characters, making this road trip comedy more than a Road Trip knock off, but many developments, not least Sandy and Diana’s burgeoning friendship, never ring true and it begins to outstay its welcome after it’s near two-hour runtime.

Identity Thief just about gets by on McCarthy and Bateman’s star power, though, and has performed well at the US box office, where it nabbed the number one spot. It’s just not quite the knockout comedy you might expect from this pairing, nor is it the film either of them really deserve. More average than awesome.

Good for: A few throwaway laughs, but this won’t be making your ‘favourite films’ list.

tntMagazine.com

15/03/2013 14:34:30

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GIVE US A

harry hill: Sausage time

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

The former TV Burp presenter has hung up his presenting job for a while, and is taking his first stand-up tour for six years out on to the London stage. Featuring the sort of cartoonish and surreal madness you don’t normally associate with a registered doctor, this is a welcome return you’d be sick to miss.

Hammersmith Apollo W6 9QH. Mar 26 & Apr 11. £30 Hammersmith hammersmithapollo.net

19 Princelet Street open days

the living room

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

19 Princelet Street, or the Museum of Immigration and Diversity, is a Grade II listed building and a former Huguenot silk merchant’s home. It opens its doors rarely, just a couple of times a month, so seize this opportunity to take a peek at its exhibitions about the immigrant experience in London.

Though best known as a novelist, Graham Greene also wrote a handful of plays. He achieved considerable success with this well worth seeing religion-and-sin drama about a forbidden relationship. It’s packed with symbolism and the writing can be laboured, but Tom Littler’s revival holds your interest.

Museum of Immigration and Diversity E1 6QH. Sun 27, 2-4pm. Mar 21, 5-8pm. Mar 24, 2-4pm. FREE Liv St 19princeletstreet.org.uk

Jermyn Street Theatre SW1Y 6ST. Until Mar 30. £20+ Piccadilly Circus jermynstreettheatre.co.uk

tom webb What’s the show this week about? I’m gearing up for this year’s Edinburgh Fringe. The show’s called Tom Webb’s Wedding, so everything in my life, including this week’s show, is matrimonial. Except for my singleton status.

Photos: Johan Persson

Who inspired you to pick up a mic? If you’ve seen the film Sister Act: imagine me as Whoopi Goldberg and the church as comedy, and you’re there.

stolen

the audience

FILM

THEATRE

Man of a million flamboyant hairstyles Nic Cage re-teams with his Con Air director, Brit Simon West, for this action-thriller in which he plays a thief who has to steal $10million for a former partner who’s holding his daughter ransom. It’s a throwaway concept – and one that sounds much like Cage’s Gone In 60 Seconds – but they’ve made class before, so fingers crossed.

Prime ministers come and go – 12 in the past 60 years – and the Queen’s held confidential, un-recorded weekly meetings with them all.

After his cinema hit with The Queen, writer Peter Morgan imagines these exchanges with Dame Helen Mirren superb again as the monarch in Stephen Daldry’s entertaining production.

On general release March 22

Gielgud Theatre W1D 6AR. Until Jun 15. £10+ Piccadilly Circus theaudienceplay.com

What was the strangest gig you have ever done? I once went to a comedy club in a seedy San Francisco neighbourhood where I disguised myself as a comedian. I befriended several other comedians, including the forever jolly Sister Mary Patrick, quiet and meek Sister Mary Robert, and the elderly deadpan Sister Mary Lazarus. My jokes cleaned up the neighbourhood and it ended up with me before the pope, earning a round of applause led by His Holiness and the Reverend Mother.

What’s your favourite joke? I call Katie Price the Death Star ... because divorce is strong with this one.

Crack Comedy Kingston KT2 5EE. Mar 22.

Kingston crackcomedy.com £10+

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Peek-a-boo: the good Doctor’s been known to start his shows with a game of hide and seek

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[Caption]

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15/03/2013 17:27:00

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The doctor will see you now Elusive, intriguing and absurd. TNT tracks down multi-award winning humourist Doctor Brown who’s back to stun London Words alasdair morton

Doctor Brown has made a name for himself as a quietly offensive comedian. Quiet in the sense he hardly ever speaks on stage – mime acts tend not to jabber away. And offensive in that when watching his show, you’re a far cry from being an observer – the good Doctor frequently involves, invites on stage, or simply attacks audience members. This sort of anti-comedy routine, as it’s been labelled, has seen him beavering away as a cult act for some time, but now Doctor Brown is headed for the big time. It, and you, best beware.

Brown, aka Los Angeles-born Philip Burgers, who studied at Paris’s prestigious clown school Ecole Philippe Gaulier, swans into London’s Soho Theatre this month with his unpronounceable show Befrdfgth after a sold-out run last year. Not so much as a cult performer anymore, though, but a multi-award-winning one: the Barry accolade for Best Comedy Show at the 2012 Melbourne International Comedy Festival; the Theatre Award for Innovation at the Total Theatre Awards in Edinburgh; and probably most prestigiously, last August’s Edinburgh Fringe Foster’s Comedy Award for Best Show.

In light of this critical success you might expect Burgers to bask in this new-found limelight, yet he does nothing of the sort. Burgers rarely speaks to the press, and when he does he’s aloof and cryptic. Not publicity shy by any means, but unconcerned with pimping himself out. Dissecting his work with the media is of little importance – performing his show for an audience is.

While trying to get his reaction to his widespread acclaim and sure-to-be-sold-out-soon shows, Burgers is, TNT finds, a tad uncommunicative. We want to know how someone uninterested in fame feels about having exactly that thrust upon them. But telling us just isn’t his style. After all, he is a silent performer, so perhaps it’s fitting. Even his PR tells us: “He can be tricky to pin down.”

When he can be tracked down, Burgers speaks flippantly about his alter-ego’s new-found fame and his plans and intentions. How did he feel about winning the Foster’s award last summer? “Happy,” he told Comedyblog.com at the time. What was he going to focus on doing now he had such a prestigious award under his belt? “Television, man!” he replied, taking the piss. He may be the toast of the comedy town, but you’re unlikely to find him on Live At The Apollo

anytime soon. Despite picking up all this widespread critical acclaim, Brown remains unimpressed by it all. Fame has not changed this man! He goes to the theatre to feel the same sense of purity, humanity and honesty you experience lying in your partner’s arms post-fuck, he’s previously explained.

“

Jock? Rebel? Class clown? No, the lover

”

As a performer, it’s his responsibility to deliver this, he claims, somewhat idealistically. When TNT asks him whether in high school he was the jock, rebel or the class clown, his response could be with a flower in his hair – “the lover”, he decides matter-of-factly.

Playing the fame game and sticking within everyone else’s comfort zone is a role he refuses to play – scoring critical acclaim and fame have never been on his agenda. ›› “I don’t want to be a product. I just want alive-ness,” Brown told The Guardian at the end of 2011. ”I don’t care

Beardy-weirdy: Doctor Brown wants your love, sort of tntMagazine.com

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Gracious: Brown receives his Foster’s Best Show comedy award at the Fringe flanked by Adam Riches and Suggs how big I get. I just want to stay free.” Despite this, though, he’s only got bigger over the following 12 months. You wouldn’t have expected this, particularly in light of the reception he was granted at his first Edinburgh Fringe where people walking out was a frequent occurrence – and still is.

For one punter racing for the exit, the path was not so easy, mostly because a bearded Brown, with a pinny draped over his hairy, half-naked torso was stood blocking the doorway. The price for passage? A kiss, or leaving behind his girlfriend. Neither option appealed to the man.

Admittedly, his fucking with you – a brutish and simple defence mechanism – has taken on a softer bent of late, but making the audience uncomfortable and awkward was never his intended goal.

He wouldn’t willingly force someone to do something they weren’t happy with, or plain didn’t want to do. But if they are on the edge, and just need a little bit of persuasion, then they are fair game – as is your personal space and privates, which we’ve seen are just as likely to be part of the show as the stage-based goings on.

Audience members have been known to be grabbed, groped and kissed, smeared with baby oil, or cajoled on to the stage. He’s even done routines in which he skips out into the crowd in a shiny, blue kimono and helps himself to the

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“

Your personal space and privates are fair game

”

where they meet is with their mastery of their audience and timeless techniques.

You could take your mum to The Boy, and she’d love it, but Doctor Brown is an edgier proposition – your mum might like it, but may flee the theatre in disgusted bafflement.

So why this silent comedy renaissance? Easy. It’s universal, transcending language and current affairs context. It’s also a refreshing antidote to the glut of gag-men populating the never-ending procession of TV panel shows. The Fringe certainly agrees – it normally gives its top award to those who deal in prescient political observation, astute social commentary or old-fashioned joke telling. There’s even a best gag of the fest award adjudicated by Dave TV. Yet the clowning Brown was crowned comedy king.

And the funny thing is, no one knows whether he’ll go on to be the biggest comic on the planet or shrink back into self-imposed cultdom with his frequently demented shows.

This means everytime he takes the stage, it’s a landmark occasion not to be missed. His October shows sold out in a flash, hence this new run. So you’d be a clown to miss it this time around. But don’t make eye contact! ❚ Doctor Brown: Befrdfgth. Soho Theatre. Mar 25-Apr 20. £15+ W1D 3NE sohotheatre.com Tottenham Court Road

Photos: Steve Ullathorne; Getty

Bird brain: he’s an animal lover, too

audience’s bags and belongings. Does Brown think he’s ever gone too far? “Yes,” he tells TNT, before adding: “But you have to go too far to know what the limit is, or was.”

Brown’s game is buffoonery with a predatory stance, or clowning with the audience in his cross hairs, and he’s not the only clown – although he tells us “I’m not a clown” – out there silently hitting the big time. At the end of last year, mute Kiwi Sam Wills, aka The Boy With Tape On His Face, scored himself a prestigious Christmas West End residency.

The Boy too has found both commercial and critical success – he was last year’s Ed Fringe Panel Prize award recipient – coming across as less confronting overall than Brown. But

tntMagazine.com

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SPARETIME

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The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct

Jamiroquai: Travelling Without Moving

Game

Vid-game spin-off from the hugely ace and popular AMC zombie TV show. £32.99 play.com

CD

Jay Kay’s big three are getting re-released. Return Of The Space Cowboy and Emergency On Planet Earth have shiny new packaging, too. £8.99 play.com

Gears Of War: Judgement Game

Peace: In Love

This prequel game traces the events in the immediate aftermath of Emergence Day, the series’ key event. £44.99 play.com

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The NME fave release their debut psych-rock LP. £8.99 amazon.co.uk

SwiftKey Camilla Lackberg: The Lost Boy

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Essential keyboard app for Android users. £2.99 play.google.com

Book

Swedish crime writer Camilla Lackberg’s best-seller. One for Stieg Larsson fans. £12.99 waterstones.com

Walkonomics App

Rate the world’s streets (well, the UK, San Fran and the Big Apple’s) for safety. £1.49 play.google.com

Charlaine Harris: Deadlocked Books

The penultimate book in the best-selling Sookie Stackhouse vamp series that spawned TV’s True Blood. £5.99 waterstones.com

Magic Music Monkey Gadget

This portable speaker dances to your tunes. £14.99 red5.co.uk

Here Comes The Boom DVD

Kevin James-starring teacherinspires-bad-kids comedy. £11.99 amazon.co.uk

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For making sure you get that heart-shaped AM protein. £4.99 play.com

Sightseers DVD

An oh-so-black and decidedly British comedy about a caravanning couple who embark on a murderous spree amidst their museumvisiting and hill walking. £12.99 play.com

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15/03/2013 13:22:22 30/03/2012 09:54

LIFESTYLECAREERS

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Style means substance: presentation counts at London’s fanciest eateries

Michelin moola Waiting tables doesn’t have to be a stop-gap – there’s money to be made at some of London’s poshest restaurants Words daisy carrington Imagine if your day-to-day involved schmoozing with celebrities and sampling Michelin-starred food on a regular basis. For those in the highend hospitality industry, such perks are part and parcel of the job.

“There is never a day that I walk away and think, ‘Well, that was uneventful,’” says Sid Clark, the general manager at Gordon Ramsay’s Maze in Mayfair. As one might expect from a restaurant helmed by a celebrity chef, London’s rich and famous often flock to Maze for sustenance (the Beckhams have been known to stop in for a nibble, as have the likes of Desperate Housewives’ Eva Longoria).

Jonathan Krauss, the assistant manager at food, drink and entertainment venue sketch’s Martin 32

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Creed-designed gastro brasserie, The Gallery, admits that his position occasionally allows him to network among Britain’s power set.

“We have a large clientele, which leads to networking,” he explains.

“You can make some great contacts here.” As big-name artists redecorate the restaurant every 18 months, Krauss notes, The Gallery is a good place to talk art and feel creative: “We have established painters that come in, as well as young people with funky new ideas. It’s a wonderful place to discuss how the art world is moving forward.”

While items such as foie gras and truffles rarely make it into the staff meals, restaurant employees are regularly treated to menu tastings, another significant perk of the job.

“[Tastings] are important,” Clark notes. “It helps the staff to speak about each dish with knowledge and gives us a perspective on the guest experience.”

As clients are paying for seamless quality, presentation is key for everyone working in a high-end restaurant, from the waiters to the person checking the designer coats.

“It’s important to always look neat and not wear too much make-up,” says Lina Stalaucinskaite, 23, a receptionist at L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon in Covent Garden. Attention to detail and a winning personality also work wonders for moving up the ladder quickly.

“It doesn’t matter what kind of restaurant it is, a great attitude towards work is the most important thing,” Clark says. “All the rest you can

tntMagazine.com

15/03/2013 14:24:09

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LIFESTYLECAREERS On the job Matthew Hepburn

Career Editorial Assistant, CocaCola GB Age 23 Lives Islington From Woking

Photos: Maze; sketch; Thinkstock

Swanky: Gordon Ramsay’s Maze packs in the celebs

Snazzy: Jonathan Krauss from The Gallery

teach, but attitude earn £40,000. is part of someone’s Stalaucinskaite The key to promotion character. That’s the says that while the Don’t shy away from hard work. If you major spark we look tips she earns in take every shift offered, you’ll soon be for in trial shifts.” reception alone seen as a valuable member of staff, Krauss, like wouldn’t pay her says Krauss. Also, don’t be afraid to many managers, rent, “they’re propose new ideas, even if you’re not started out as a enough to cover yet in a management position. Finally, waiter. He explains your bases so you keep smiling, and refrain from being that promotions at can go out and known for complaining. swanky restaurants spend some money come quickly to for yourself”. those that work for it.

Clark adds the industry looks more “This industry is wonderful for favourably on career waiters when people who are ambitious and considering new hires and promotions. motivated,” he says. “It only took “Restaurants want security and to me four years to work my way up to know that you are committed to what management.” you do for a period of time, and that As tips are only bestowed on service you’re not going to leave at the drop that excels, there is as much a financial of a hat,” he says. “If you want to run imperative as a professional one for alongside a different career path, this turning on the charm. job’s probably not for you.”

“This is the one business where Naturally, service experience helps tipping is practically an obligation,” when trying to land a job at London’s Krauss notes. “At several stages of posher establishments. Even for interaction with the guest, tips will be experienced waiters, Clark warns, there handed out. Naturally, a very smiley might be an element of backtracking. and warm person in the cloak room, “You may have to take a step or on the floor, will get more tips than backwards to get into the someone not as dynamic.” right restaurant,” NEXT WEEK The practice of tipping makes he says. “But salaries incredibly variable, though if you work Well fit: other ways Krauss estimates waiters will pull in hard then to train for the London Marathon up to £30,000 a year, while managers you will soon (whose income is more steady) can progress.”

How did you get into your line of work?

I joined the graduate scheme at Lexis PR, where I managed several accounts, including Coca-Cola. I decided to move into an editorial position within a digital agency, which is how I ended up handling the social media and website for Coca-Cola GB at Zone.

What do you do day-to-day?

At the moment, I’m scheduling the social media activity around the #ArcticHome campaign to conserve the polar bear’s habitat.

What’s the most rewarding part of your job?

Does free Coke count? When a post you’ve created instantly receives multiple likes, shares, views.

What’s the most challenging?

Trying to respond to lots of questions on Twitter using only 140 characters! thisiszone.com

How to... avoid

burning out

Working too hard can hurt your productivity (and mental health).

Take a break for an energy boost.

• Don’t go straight from bed to

work. Instead, take some time each morning to stretch.

• Learn to say ‘no’ if your boss is piling on too much work, or when friends want your expertise for free.

• Don’t skip breaks! Take a few minutes a couple of times a day to go for a walk. Getting fresh eyes on something really helps.

tntMagazine.com

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tntjobs.co.uk CORNWALLIS ELT T: 020 7763 7086 www.cornwalliselt.com

Looking for your next job?

NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY JOB OF THE WEEK: Recruitment Consultants & Senior Recruitment Consultants Location: City Salary: £ Excellent OTE!

Cornwallis Elt is a multi-award winning, Information Technology / Change Management recruitment business, focused on delivering mid to senior level business facing professionals to a blue chip client base.

You will have a solid recruitment background with a proven track record of billings, would be interested in a dual desk environment, can demonstrate initiative, drive & success! In return you will receive competitive base salary, unrivalled & uncapped commissions, contract bonus scheme, car allowance incentive and target related trips!

CARE24SEVEN www.care24seven.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Live In/Out Carers Location: Across London – Head Office Chiswick 020 8912 4642 Salary: Fair rates of pay available

Dynamic Care Company is recruiting experienced LIVE IN & OUT carers within London.

You are expected to provide care to the elderly in their own home. We are currently recruiting carers who can be dynamic and have good communication skills.

Work within the guidelines of the company policies e procedures.

T: 020 8912 4642

Please send your CV to ruth.bater@cornwalliselt.com

Please forward your CV to max@care24seven.com

ORIGIN T: 020 7617 7894 www.origincare.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Live-In Carers Location: London & South East Salary: £574 per week

Live-in roles typically of 2 weeks on and 1 week off. Free specialist training provided with Origin, a dedicated company established over 10 years.

Our clients are young adults with a spinal injury. We need positive people to help them live independently. Free accommodation, food and refunded travel expenses!

Promotional prospects and higher rates of pay available.

CYCLE SURGERY

JOB OF THE WEEK: Part Time Sales Assistants & Mechanics Location: Throughout London Salary: Per hour

www.cyclesurgery.com Fast-growing chain of specialist bke shops that sells bikes, clothing and accessories.

John Hardy | 020 7617 7894 | johnhardy@origincare.com

WE are looking for enthusiastic, friendly sales associates and bike mechanics who are passionate about bikes and cycling. Ideally, you should have previous retail and customer service experience. Mechanics with a Cytech qualification preferred.

Please send your CV to hr@cyclesurgery.com

SHOPFITTINGS DIRECT

JOB OF THE WEEK: Wholesale/Retail Position Location: London E.1 Salary: 20K

T: 020 7790 3007

We are a company that supplies shopfittings to the retail and public sector. We are looking for a individual with a good personality and attitude to join our team. The role will involve heavy lifting, and getting involved with sales, deliveries and stockroom duties. If this sounds like the role for you, please call.

www.shopfittingsshop.com We are a company that supplies shopfittings to the retail and public sector.

SEARCYS www.searcys.co.uk Searcys is recruiting for one of its most prestigious venues in London, The Gherkin

Mark Christie | 020 7790 3007

JOB OF THE WEEK: Experienced Chef de Parties Location: London Salary: Competitive Salaries Are you an experienced CDP ideally with a Michelin standard background and talented?

Chef Open Day – Monday 25th March 2013 – The Commonwealth Club, London.

WC2N 5AP. From 10am to 5pm. Contact us to arrange your appointment or just call in on the day!

Please forward CV to ibelong@searcys.co.uk (please quote ref – TNT0313)

Looking for your next job?

NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY To advertise your job of the week contact Jaqui Ward | 020 3137 5950 | jaqui.ward@tntmultimedia.com

JOBS

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cash-SAVING TIPS

how you spend it!

Xxxxxxxxx

Cash in on the croc Lacoste are giving away free samples of their colognes and perfumes. xxxxxxxxx All you have to do is register your deets online Xxxxxxxxxxx and then choose between several swanky scents at fragrances.lacoste.com.

best at budgeting.

Twisted brews Are you too girly for a real Xxxxxxxxxxx cup of java? Maybe you wish it were a bit fruitier?

Then perhaps you’d like to try some INO Fruit Coffee xxxxxxxxx (there’s no surprises, it’s what it says on the tin).

Xxxxxxxxxxx To get a free sample, simply email your full name, postal address and telephone number to xxxxxxxxx free-sample@inoholics.com.

Who knows, maybe you’ll Xxxxxxxxxxx get hooked.

Your last big blow-out?

These black tights I’m wearing. I don’t want to say how much they cost!

Do you have any tips for saving money in London?

I try not to buy food when I’m out, even if I think I want it when I see it.

I remind myself I have food at home.

Photos: Getty

xxxxxxxxx

GET FIT FOR LESS Still not whipped yourself into shape after all those New Year’s promises?

Well, there are just a few days left to redeem yourself on the cheap, as the new PureGym in Lambeth has extended its offer of £12.99 per month membership for a limited time only. The deal ends this week, so to take advantage of the super-thrifty fee (plus £15 joining charge), visit puregym.com. The deal applies to the facility on Wandsworth Road.

Emma Williams, 18 Job Art student From Suffolk Lives London

How do you budget?

I try to keep some of my earnings in my savings if I can, but I’m really not the

What non-essential items do you spend money on?

Coffee. It’s cold! And cigarettes. I probably should cut back on that.

how THEY spend it!

Good Samaritans Charlie Sheen recently donated £6500 to a girl who fell 100 feet from a roller coaster so she could get a therapy dog to help her walk again. Think she’ll name the pup Charlie?

Handout: Charlie Sheen

❚ Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie donated £326,000 last year to tornado-ravaged regions of Missouri, much of which made the backdrop to Brad’s childhood.

❚ will.i.am’s feeling so comfy in the UK that last year, the X Factor judge donated £500,000 to the Prince’s Trust to help disadvantaged Brits build their tech skills.

❚ Perhaps worried there’s only room for one Madonna in heaven, the ‘Material Girl’ dropped £1.3m at the Kabbalah Centre of Los Angeles in 2008 alone. Who says spirituality can’t be bought?

❚ In memory of her Gran Gran Dolly, Rihanna made a gift of £1.1m to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Barbados, enabling the facility to purchase state-of-the-art oncology equipment.

tntjobs.co.uk The ShipS phoTographer

Job of the WeeK: Cruise Ship Photographer Location: Working on board cruise ships Salary: poa

T: 023 8001 0598 www.cruiseshipphotographer.com

Do you have a passion for photography and travel? Do you excel in customer service and enjoy working as part of a team? To find out more about a career on board as a photographer have a look on our website and apply to he@theshipsphotgrapher.com

The Ships Photographer is an independent photo concession company that works in partnership with P&O Cruises.

Michael Pickford 023 8001 0598 he@theshipsphotgrapher.com

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LIFESTYLEliving Home

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Energy prices are rising. The experts tell TNT how to cut costs If you’ve broken the bank heating your flat this winter, you’re not alone. Fuel prices have risen across the board this year and energy companies have hiked up their rates in response. And while we’d love to deliver some good news, there’s no end in sight.

“Fuel prices are anticipated to rise for the foreseeable future, which will potentially push more [households] into fuel poverty,” notes James Sharp, spokesperson for the UK’s leading carbon reduction consultancy, Climate Energy.

And according to a poll conducted by the Energy Bill Revolution campaign, eight out of 10 families ration heat in their homes, and 90 per cent of that number wear extra clothing rather than turning up the thermostat. As domestic fuel bills have risen by an average of eight per cent this winter, and are expected to increase in the future, experts are predicting those living in fuel poverty will double by 2016.

James Wilkinson, 30, a journalist, knows this all too well. He was once struggling to pay his bills to such an extent that he opted to just keep the heat off at all times.

“It was miserable,” he admits. “I slept in my socks and a hoodie.”

Before you go initiating such an igloo-like conversion, however, you might want to try a few savvy tricks to bring down your costs.

Some like it hot Ferm birdcage wall sticker Less messy than the real thing heals.co.uk

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@tntmagazine

How to fight the hike Words Daisy carrington

Jimboart plate A plate after our own hearts culturelabel.com

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“There’s forecasting that predicts energy bills will be as much as £3000 a year in 10 years,” says Nigel Berman, founder of green retailer

Power sapping: don’t let the monthly bills get you down Nigel’s Eco Store. “Most of that bill will be made up of heating and hot water.”

Sharp adds that keeping the thermostat on a timer can translate into big savings, as can turning down the heat just a smidge.

“Turning the thermostat down by a degree and wearing an extra layer will potentially save around eight per cent on a heating bill,” he says.

Draft protection is also probably the single most important aspect of keeping a home from freezing. Sharp says: “Don’t heat the air up just to let it out!”

Though often finding a draft to block up is simply a question of following any cold gusts in your apartment, there are times when it might be difficult to pinpoint exactly where heat is escaping from. In those instances, Berman advises walking around with a lit candle.

“If you close the door, you can see where it flickers, and where the draft is coming from,” he advises.

Worthy investments In old apartment buildings, of which London has plenty, keeping the draft out can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. Berman advises investing in draft excluders (which is essentially padding you fit at the bottom of the door), double-glazing film (a DIY approach to double-glazing your windows), rubber tubes to fill any gaps in the floor boards, and a flap to keep cold air from entering a flat through the mailbox.

“You don’t realise how much air comes in

tntMagazine.com

15/03/2013 14:25:48

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Go go gadgets

Packed: a well-stocked fridge keeps in the cool

Measure up This nifty monitor tells you how much you’re spending on electricity at any given time. Try it out with different appliances to find the worst culprits. Some boroughs give these devices out for free. Contact your local council for more info or try nigelsecostore.com. £23.95

through those small gaps in windows and doors,” he explains.

Photos: Thinkstock, Nigel’s Eco Store

Energy bandits It’s surprising how much energy everyday appliances consume.

According to Sharp, one of the worst offenders is the tumble dryer. “I know it can be difficult in winter, but drying your clothes naturally outdoors as much as possible helps,” he says. Draping wet clothes over the radiator to dry them quicker, however, is what Sharp terms “a false economy”.

“It can result in a lot of internal moisture, which can lead to other problems,” he says.

Research by the Engineering and Physical Sciences Research Council has found that drying clothes in the house ups the moisture quotient an average of 15 per cent, and can lead to an increase in mould, as well as health problems, particularly to those prone to asthma and hay fever.

Berman notes that refrigerators are another fuel-guzzler. Of course, you can’t very well unplug the fridge, but Berman says you can use it in such a way to reduce its energy demands.

“If the fridge is full of food, it holds cold air longer, and requires less energy to chill its contents,” he says, adding that keeping the refrigerator door closed as much as possible also saves on your quarterly bill.

“When you’re cooking, don’t walk around with the kitchen door open. Close it right away,” he advises.

Get postal A drafty letter box can make for a very cold hallway (and a big energy bill). The Ecoflap (ecoflap.co.uk) blocks cold air from entering your home via the post. £23.99

In and out: quick showers are cheaper than baths Turn it off It may sound obvious, but unplugging appliances that aren’t in use can also result in a significantly smaller bill.

“It may seem small, but you can save £60 for every appliance – be it a phone charger or your computer – you unplug, and all of that can add up,” says Berman.

Keep a journal When dieting, you’re trying to limit the amount of fuel you intake. When cutting on energy costs, you’re trying to cut down on the amount of fuel you burn. In both instances, keeping a journal can help you keep on top of your goals.

“Even if you don’t write it down, having an energy monitor can show you how much electricity you’re using. You can turn things on and see how much effect it has on your electricity usage,” explains Berman. “They can completely change your behaviour.”

Draft dodger Keeps cold air out and warm air in by blocking the space under the door (nigelsecostore.com). £7.99

Radiator reflector Stops heat from absorbing into walls to maximise heating your flat instead (nigelsecostore.com). £15.95

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WORLDVIEW

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Dead weird: burial plans

plans for stiffs to be buried feet first australia

Ever thought there aren’t enough options on how to be slotted into the ground when you pop your clogs?

Well, help is at hand. Darwin City Council is urging the Northern Territory local government to allow corpses to be buried standing up, or be stacked in threes.

“Vertical positioning of the body in the ground is a good use of space,” alderman Gary Lambert said. The council also suggested three bodies could be buried in a grave in a “horizontal stack”.

“There’s a lot of merit in in-filling new burial sites that are eventually going to be surrounded by the suburbs where you can get a lot more people in the ground by standing them up,” he said. Considerate... tweets of the week

@bigrichinnes Wow! Geri Halliwell on a Tube! Tomorrow’s big news: Geri buys bog roll and wipes own arse @prodnose I see the Huhnes are giving it another go. It’s the first time they’ve been away together in years @scaryduck Say what you like about religion but it took 1.2bn Catholics to knock Bieber off the trending topics

bidding war over sex doll’s virginity brazil

How much cash would you spend on a one-night stand? Now take into consideration it’s with an inflatable sex doll. Does that change things?

Not if you’re in Brazil it seems. Bidding currently stands at more than £70,000 on Sexônico, a

TNT_1542_038 38

Doing OK: Miranda Kerr took to Twitter to reassure her fans she wasn’t seriously hurt after being rushed to hospital following a car crash in LA. The Aussie model, 29, posted: “Thanks for all the messages of support, I’m on the mend.” Well, you’re welcome, Kerr

Sao Paulo based online sex shop, for the maidenhood of Valentina, Brazil’s first lifelike sex doll. “She has green eyes, fleshy lips, full breasts and a body that inspires envy in all women,” the website says.

They also claim that the doll’s skin has a similar texture to that of a real human.

Whoever has bid the most for Valentina by midnight on March 31 will have won the rights to deflower the lovely doll.

The prize also includes a night in the presidential suite of a hotel, a special candlelight dinner, an aromatic bath with rose petals, flights to Sao Paulo if they live elsewhere in Brazil, special sexy lingerie for Valentina and (the pièce de résistance) a digital camera, so that the lucky winner can record his exploits and “show them to his friends”. Quite.

giant snail destroyed australia

A huge snail found slithering across a container yard has been killed.

Staff called the Australian Department of Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry after finding the Giant African Snail – which was the size of a cricket bat – in Brisbane.

Known for its insatiable appetite, the creature can destroy 500 types of plants including vegetable crops, fruit trees and Australia’s native eucalypts. The pests grow up to 20cm in length and weigh up to 1kg.

Acting DAFF regional manager Paul Nixon said: “Australia’s strict biosecurity requirements and responsive system has so far kept these pests out of Australia and we want to keep it that way.”

15/03/2013 15:32:53

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THIS WEEK

Oh, hello Iran. Yes, hotel businessman at your service

IN NUMBERS 10

Number of black bears Ivan and Lubov Leshchenko, from East Russia, keep in their back garden as pets

Cost, in thousands of pounds, of Aston Martin written off by Natasha Gregory, from Swindon, in £500 Vauxhall Corsa

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REVEALED: PORN SITE TOP SEARCH TERMS

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Amount, in thousands, of calories in Canadian sandwich the Burly Beaver, stuffed with hot dogs, bacon, fries, gravy...

AUS & NZ

Australian users of porn search website PornMD mainly look under the gay section, a study has revealed.

While New Zealanders on the site mostly search for teens, followed by hentai (animated Japanese porn) and Indian.

For Australians, the term ‘Aussie’ is the most common word used on the site’s gay section, followed by Asian and massage.

And the UK’s top porn search term is British, followed by Indian and MILF. However one of the terms drawing the most attention is Iran’s number five ‘Hotel Businessman’ under the site’s gay section.

Perhaps most troubling is Hungary’s top search terms, which feature: mom and son, scat, latex and bondage in its top 10.

IT’S A CROC-EAT-CROC WORLD DOWN UNDER

Photos: Getty; Thinkstock; AAP

AUSTRALIA

For the two-metre-long crocodile, it was a bit of a mouthful. But this reptile wasn’t giving up as it swallowed a croc half its size.

The rare moment was captured by a far north Queensland tour guide near the Daintree River, Cairns.

“He was having a bit of trouble getting it down his throat,” David White of river boat tour company Solar Whisper said.

“I’m not sure if he ate it or not, but I think he did because the next week he

TNT_1542_039 39

Bill, in pounds, eightyear-old Theo RowlandFry from Bristol ran up buying doughnuts on his Simpsons iPad game

Wild: croc-on-croc action did a lot of sunbaking with a big belly.”

He says crocodiles will often eat their own kind, including their offspring, but it’s rare to see it happen.

VIRAL MACCAS ‘SLUT’ DAD SPEAKS OUT AUSTRALIA

A Perth dad who became a hit after a clip of him chastising a group of girls in an Innaloo Maccas for “acting like sluts” went viral, has spoken out.

“I am a little bit embarrassed, and I feel for the girls, because the majority of comments on Facebook were not doing them much good,” the dad, who wishes to be known as John, told Perth radio.

John was in a McDonald’s when a group of drunk girls began throwing food across the floor and sitting on the counter exposing themselves. He intervened and ordered the girls to start behaving. “You have got to respect yourselves,” he said.

Watch the video at tntmagazine.com.

1,000

QUOTE OF THE WEEK This is supposed to be the greatest comeback of the century? It’s boring.

I think every release since the first eight albums has been rubbish Angie Bowie on her ex-husband David Bowie’s “diabolical” comeback

15/03/2013 15:32:58

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Log on every day and get your fill.

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15/03/2013 17:34:00

TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: CAROL DRIVER carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

Busted: the porn-watching office worker

Improving UKBA visa times will boost ailing economy

Photos: Twitter

Terrible delays mean no work, no travel – no point to being in UK

The shambolic UK Border Agency is a kick in the teeth for the government. At a time when the UK credit rating has been downgraded (embarrassing!) and the economy’s struggling to draw breath, encouraging spending and employment should be a priority. What TNT has discovered since launching our UKBA Balls-Up campaign a few weeks ago, is that the truth is surprisingly the opposite.

The horror stories keep flooding in. I’ve spoken to readers who have lost passports while on a two-year visa and have waited eight months to get it back – meaning they can’t leave the country and have to miss out on the main reason they are here: to travel.

I’ve heard from someone who couldn’t go home to be with his father who was battling cancer because the UKBA kept his passport for so long. I’ve exchanged emails with a woman who missed her grandmother’s funeral for the same reason. And the main gripe running through all the complaints we’ve received is the lack of communication from UKBA, how they won’t speak to you on the phone until your application is six months old.

The majority of our readers are between the ages of 20 and 35, and they’re mainly Australians, Kiwis and South Africans – importantly, being from these countries means none has the right to claim benefits while in the UK, so they don’t drain the system.

Our readers come to London to work, to travel, to spend money – perhaps to find a decent career, start a business, get married or buy a house. What the inefficient UK Border Agency does is make this a nightmare experience when it comes to extending a visa in the UK. It’s surprising, given some of the horror stories, that more people don’t just give up and head home – although those who have opted for that have found their passports still hooked in a system where it seems no one really knows what’s going on.

As an Aussie woman said to me at the TNT Travel Show: “If the Brits start knocking their own system, you know things are bad.” And things are bad indeed. Get involved. » Sign our petition on P42. Send your UKBA story to carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

LET PORN WATCHER BE A LESSON TO US He really should have known better.

If you’re ever tempted to click on to an adult entertainment website when you think the office is empty, let this guy’s story be a lesson to you.

After everyone had gone home, the randy suit thought he’d opt for a little light relief by pouring over X-rated material online – as you can just about make out from the grainy Twitter photo above.

However, the lonesome worker may have checked there was no one left in his Brisbane office – but he didn’t look out the window to find out whether he was being watched. And he was. Two minutes

“

Perhaps not the climax he was after

”

later, Twitter user James P had posted the above pic, which went viral along with the comment: “He’s been doing it for ages.”

The frisky voyeur soon got the message when he spied the group in the opposite office who gave him a round of applause.

Perhaps not the climax he was after. His wife will be so proud.

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‘It is vital we’re open for tourism’ UK politicians back TNT campaign calling for improvements to UKBA visa services WORDS CAROL DRIVER Thanks to you, our TNT UKBA Balls-Up campaign is gaining momentum. Our petition (see right) has now received more than 1000 signatures and counting. And, this week, highprofile politicians have announced they’re backing our cause. We had tonnes of support at the TNT Travel Show – I spoke to hundreds of readers who had either been affected by incompetency at the UKBA or knew someone who’s had to put their life on hold due to its inefficiency – from not being able to travel, and forking out for the wrong visas due to misinformation, to not being able to get through to the office that seemingly never answers its phone.

Cases like Sean Spurdle, a business owner who’s planning on getting married this year whose passport has already been held by UKBA for eight months with no end in sight.

We know it’s not good enough – and that’s why we’re campaigning for improvements. And UK MPs are supporting our campaign as well: the shadow home secretary Yvette Cooper and shadow immigration minister Chris Bryant announced this week that they’re on board. Bryant told TNT: “At a time when the UK economy is struggling, it is vital that we are open for business and tourism.

“The UK Border Agency’s failure to deal with visa applications promptly is a major own goal and it is time the government realised they are undermining our chances of turning the economy around. Since the 2010 general election, the UKBA has had to cut thousands of staff, which has only lead to things getting worse and worse. This is why I support TNT Magazine’s campaign – we need a border agency that operates efficiently, is customer-friendly and provides value for money.”

The only way we can change things is with your support.

Sign our petition (you’ll find it at tntmagazine.com/ukba), send it to your friends and family, post it on Facebook, tweet about it on Twitter – whatever it takes to get enough signatures to make those in charge sit up and take notice.

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Sean Spurdle: ‘My business is suffering’ Having lived and worked in Kingston, London, for the past seven years, Sean Spurdle applied for indefinite leave to remain in June 2012. He proposed to his long-term girlfriend last year, wants to settle down and runs his own business.

The wedding is booked for July, with friends and family flying over from New Zealand. However, the 35-year-old’s visa still hasn’t been approved, so it could prove a wasted trip. “I have no passport or visa. No visa equals no marriage licence. Not good!” he says.

Spurdle had originally employed the help of a law firm,

“

I just want to move on with my life

”

but only weeks after he paid them £1700, they went bust.

He was told by the UKBA no one would be able to help him until his application had been in the system for six months.

Spurdle, who arrived in the capital the day after the 2005 bombings, missed his mum’s 60th birthday as well as a friend’s wedding, for which he was supposed to be best man.

But it’s not just his wedding plans on hold. Spurdle has run landscaping firm Natural Elements Landscape for the past four years, employing up to seven people. “It’s affecting the expansion of my business,” he said. “I want to invest in vehicles but no bank will give me a loan because technically I don’t have a valid visa. If my visa doesn’t get granted, I’d have to lay off the seven people working for me.”

Eight months after applying, there’s still no news.

“I am worried about the time. We want to buy a house, we want to plan the honeymoon, but, more than anything, we just want to move on with our lives,” Spurdle added.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

15/03/2013 16:28:56

Campaign: (clockwise from left) inset Chris Bryant; Sean Spurdle; Yvette Cooper; Stacey Williams

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Photos: Getty; Sean Spurdle

Add your voice to TNT Magazine’s UKBA Balls-Up campaign to demand the government agency changes its policies so that:

✔ Every applicant receives correspondence when an application has been received ✔ Advice is then sent to all applicants detailing the process system and what it means for those wanting to work or travel ✔ Every applicant gets access to an emergency helpline which they can call for updates at any time, not only after six months ✔ The target for processing visas for those based in the UK who are eligible to work is reduced to three months ✔ A full refund is offered to applicants if their application takes longer than the target time if it is due to UKBA incompetency ✔ The amount of premium service appointments is increased – and a full refund is offered to applicants if the UKBA doesn’t adhere to the allotted 24-hour timescale ✔ Applicants wishing to extend visas to stay in the UK can do so before the ‘28 days before expiry’ deadline

NAME: ADDRESS: EMAIL: NATIONALITY: DOB: Send this form to Carol Driver, TNT Magazine, 111 Cannon Street, EC4N 5AR. Or email your details with ‘UKBA BallsUp’ in the subject to carol.driver@tntmultimedia.com

tntMagazine.com

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Got a UKBA horror story? We want to hear all about it.

Email the details to carol.driver@tntmultimedia.com

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Stacey Williams booked a £1350 premium appointment to apply for indefinite leave to remain in July 2011, having worked and lived in London on a five-year ancestry visa. Her first slot was cancelled by text and she couldn’t book another until the day before her current visa was due to expire.

Before her appointment, Williams, 28, tried to call the UKBA to ask whether it would be an issue that her passport was stolen while in Egypt in 2008. First she was told info couldn’t be given over the phone. Calling again, an adviser told her applying without her original passport wouldn’t be an issue as long as she had a police report, so Williams paid to get the document translated from Arabic.

At the UKBA office, Williams was told she had been given the wrong advice. “They said they would have no proof of whether I had been out of the country for more than three months of any year – one of the conditions of the visa.

They’re the UKBA, shouldn’t they have that information?”

She was given 15 days to provide further documentation – including payslips to cover the period of her previous passport – but the company she worked for had gone bust, so she asked for her application to be withdrawn. “I was told it would take another 15 days to return my passport – even though I had a flight booked, I was told it wasn’t urgent.”

Williams was then informed by another adviser that there was no wait, and she could collect her passport from a UKBA office. Williams had to go back to New Zealand for six months, and save for a second ancestry visa – she returned to London in May 2012. “Aside from spending nearly £3000 and all the stress, I now have to start my five years over again before I can apply for indefinite leave – my plan to work in Europe now seems a distant dream.”

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15/03/2013 16:29:05

SPORTNEWS

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Back: Kelly Brown

top sarries BACK TO TAKE ON BEST QUINS rugby union

Saracens didn’t just survive the key player drain from the Six Nations, they thrived, taking the Premiership lead from Harlequins. But it’ll mean nothing if they don’t back it up when London’s top teams meet on Sunday.

Sarries forwards coach Alex Sanderson told TNT the period worked in his side’s favour, and the absence of players such as Alex Goode, Owen Farrell and Chris Ashton for England and Scot captain Kelly Brown didn’t change his team’s philosophy.

“It’s been important for the boys to prove they can fill the boots of the senior players, and they have done that,” Sanderson said. “We’ve coped well with the guys away. Now we get those players back for the Harlequins on Sunday, but it’s important that we rely on some of the things that we have done well traditionally – strong defence, winning the territorial battle, taking points when available and if the opportunities arise run the ball.”

To catch the game get to Allianz Park on Sunday or tune into ESPN from 2pm.

commission could block dugan moves Rugby league

The ARL Commission was awaiting a report on sacked fullback Josh Dugan from the Canberra Raiders before deciding if it would let rival clubs vie for his signature.

Dugan was dumped by the Green Machine after images appeared showing him drinking on a Tuesday with teammate Blake Ferguson. Almost immediately there were reports the Broncos, Titans and Dragons were interested in signing the former State of Origin representative.

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Taking tension in sport to another level, Brit Andy Mapple carved up the wake in the men’s slalom final at the Moomba Masters International Invitational Waterskiing Championships at the 2013 Moomba Water Festival on Vic’s Yarra River last week

Announcing the sacking, club CEO Don Furner said Dugan was dumped due to a “number of breaches in club policy”.

boat race bigger than the olympics rowing

Cambridge rower George Nash said the rivalry between his uni and Oxford is “greater” than the Olympics ahead of the 159th Boat Race on March 31.

Nash will be up against Constantine Louloudis, his under-23 World Champs roommate, but said there’ll be no love lost.

“At Oxford or Cambridge it’s all about beating the other place, no one really cares how we get on the rest of the season,” he told the Standard. “I won’t be meeting ‘Stan’ for a pre-race coffee, absolutely not.”

BIG WEEK FOR ...

Blind Freddy knows the London Broncos have had a disappointing start to the Super League season – they’re in last place – but they’ve got a big opportunity in the next fortnight, with two home games against beatable opposition.

This Saturday the Craig Gower-led side take on Hull FC, who they beat 22-14 and lost 12-14 to in their 2012 clashes.

The following week is Steve Menzies’ Catalan Dragons, a squad they’ve brushed past in their last two meetings.

Now’s as good a time as any for the capital’s reps to live up to expectations.

tntMagazine.com

15/03/2013 14:33:15

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QUOTES OF THE WEEK I just want to put this behind me now and concentrate on my career Drugs scandal? Nightclub incident? Nup. This is Bradford Bulls’ Aussie centre Adrian Purtell after he got the all-clear to return after his heart attack in May 2012

On the money: San Marino’s amateurs have nothing to lose against England

PREVIEW ENGLAND UP AGAINST IT WITH AMATEURS SAN MARINO V ENGLAND FRI, 8PM, ITV

The road to the World Cup continues this week with England playing San Marino with the main objective being to not embarrass themselves.

The plucky side of mostly amateurs kept the relative superstars goalless for a painful 35 minutes in their first meeting of the campaign, and it took a penalty from Wayne Rooney to break the deadlock. ”It’s not that easy when they put 10 behind the ball,” Roo complained, before

representing his team’s ambition. “We probably should have scored more, but five is still not bad.” Way to go for the jugular.

England slotted four more but weren’t convincing. Lucky for them the most attacking move from San Marino was a foul by their goalkeeper on Theo Walcott, but the shoddy showing was a waste of Wembley they’ll be keen to rectify this time.

In other games, Scotland are taking on Wales in what was a thriller last time, with who else but Gareth Bale scoring twice to snatch a 2-1 win for his red men. Sweden also play Republic of Ireland.

THE CHAT | Warnie’s Ashes reshuffle

It’s a massive wake-up call for us. That means the rest of European football has caught up with us Arsene Wenger on there being no English team in the Champions League last eight for the first time since 1996

Johnathan Thurston will surpass Andrew Johns as the greatest rugby league halfback our game has ever seen within two years Joey’s brother Matthew Johns reckons JT’s early season form tops his brother, who is dubbed by some as the best ever

TV HIGHLIGHTS FOOTBALL

Photos: Getty

Q

Italy v Brazil

Shane Warne reckons he can fix Australia before the Ashes? What’s the master’s plan?

It’s simple, just pick a new team. Warnie wants Ed A Cowan gone and Dave Warner to open with Shane Watson, Shaun Marsh recalled to number three (see ya Hughes and Khawaja), best mate Michael Clarke at four, keeper Matt Wade or Callum Ferguson at five, all-rounder Moises Henriques and the intro of his Melbourne Stars T20 teammate James Faulkner and another greenhorn, Nathan Coulter-Nile, in the bowling attack. If he gets his way, there’d be four recognised batsmen in a side already struggling to get runs on the board (none of the top five domestic scorers). His side, named on Twitter, was described by the Herald Sun as “wacky”. Sigh.

International friendly Thur, 7.30pm, ITV4

RUGBY UNION Queensland Reds v Bulls Super Rugby live from Brisbane Sat, 8.40am, Sky Sports 1

RUGBY LEAGUE Warne: great player, but an odd selector

Hull KR v Castleford Live Super League action Sun, 6.15pm, Sky Sports 1 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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15/03/2013 14:33:19

AFL 2013: Take your mark – go!

London’s AFL clubs preview their pro-Aussie versions’ hopes for the season in 2013 COMPILED BY MICHAEL GADD

Can you smell it? On the other side of the globe, the boots are being polished and the Sherrins are getting pumped up for a shiny new season of AFL action, starting this week.

Meanwhile, in London, an army of fans of the oval ball and round field code are sweating in the cold ahead of their own season, which begins in May. TNT thought who better to preview AFL season 2013 than the guys who fly the footy flag in the world’s north. We asked London clubs to have a peek into their corresponding Aussie side’s crystal ball and also tell us how you can get involved in AFL footy in Blighty.

Geelong Cats (West London Wildcats) NAME: Nathan Costley, Wildcats co-coach ONE TO WATCH: Travis Varcoe is virtually a new recruit for the Cats. His speed and goal sense will be vital for the aging blue and white army.

UPHILL BATTLE: It’s a huge year for the Cats – can they keep the flag window open while their crop of future stars develop? The recruitment of Hamish McIntosh and Jared Rivers, along with return of Varcoe and Nathan Vardy from injury, indicates the answer is yes.

PREDICTION: Top four finish, hopefully just like their West London counterparts!

OUR CLUB: The Wildcats and Wildkittens aren’t just about footy, with social events a huge part of the club, including our end of season trip to Corfu.

PLAY: wildcatsfc.co.uk; Dan on 07500 015944.

Collingwood Magpies (Putney Magpies) NAME: Mark Pitura, president ONE TO WATCH: Dane Swan will poll well in the Brownlow or hopefully he’ll be suspended by the AFL so he can come and play for Putney Magpies in our 10th anniversary year.

UPHILL BATTLE: The high expectations of the supporters and Eddie McGuire’s ego.

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PREDICTION: Top four finish with the Pies defeating Mick Malthouse’s Carlton to get into the granny.

OUR CLUB: If you want a bogan with a mullet yelling at you at training or games, don’t come to Putney, we don’t have that type of culture. We’re well suited to Aussie Rules in London.

PLAY: play@putneymagpies.com.

Brisbane Lions (North London Lions) NAME: Clarence, club mascot ONE TO WATCH: Old soldiers like Jonathan Brown and Simon Black’s wobbly knees/shoulders/other important joints can’t wait any longer. 2013 is the year they turn the corner.

UPHILL BATTLE: Winning games is important. Win enough and they’ll make the finals (pass that on to Vossy). Making the GF of the NAB Cup is a promising start, but it’s early days.

PREDICTION: Things are on the up. The Lions in Brisbane will squeak into the finals with a 6th-8th finish.

OUR CLUB: It finally came together in 2012 and we were AFL London Premiers! We blew the prize money on celebrations, but another big year looms on and (importantly) off the field.

PLAY: info@aussierules.co.uk; president Chris on 07963 488527 or head coach Brendan on 07884 250873.

Sydney Swans (London Swans) NAME: Gus, chief shepherd of the those on the pond.

ONE TO WATCH: Lewis Jetta. He’s got pace to burn and goals to match – a very handy combination!

UPHILL BATTLE: Overcoming the Premiership hangover, just ahead of beating GWS Giants.

PREDICTION: We’ll snooze our way through the home and aways before waking from our slumber in time for the finals, in which we’ll march on and take the cup for another year!

OUR CLUB: Central London’s Zone 1 team who mix the art of socialising with bursts of champagne football.

PLAY: recruitment@londonswans.co.uk.

Roar: West London Wildcats

Worth it?: six million dollar man Tom Scully

London-bound?: Pies’ star Dane Swan

GWS Giants (South East London Giants) NAME: Lonnie Pitcher, chairman STAND-OUT: Tom Scully will step up and prove that he is worth every bit of the estimated AUS$6m the Giants paid to get his prodigious services from the Demons.

BIGGEST CHALLENGE: To keep the Swans off the bridge after we win in round one (we’ll be reminding them of the NAB Cup for years to come). Then to keep the South East London Giants Boys from trashing the club rooms when come to visit during the season.

PREDICTION: To climb from the cellar for a mid-table 10th finish. Will then recruit two South East London Giants boys from the 2013 season to do a course of pre-season in 2014.

OUR CLUB: For a social, community feel, the Giants are the way to go. If you can play, drink or simply show up for a game or two, get in touch.

PLAY: info@selondongiants.co.uk or 07890 696980.

Photos: Getty

Hawthorn Hawks (Wimbledon Hawks) NAME: Steve “Gilly” Gill, club coach STAND-OUT: Full-back Brian Lake. Can the man who changed his name re-discover his All-Australian form from his time at the Dogs and provide an extra bit of spark to the Hawthorn back line?

BIGGEST CHALLENGE: The Hawks have the talent but do they have the desire to get themselves up for another big season after the disappointment of last year’s grand final loss? Many players are approaching the peak of their powers, so they need to take advantage of the premiership window.

PREDICTION: Should make finals but do they have enough to go all the way to the big one? Third would be a fair result.

OUR CLUB: We haven’t had the success we’d like on the field, but we deliver off it. A strong British contingent, a few new Aussies should bring the glory.

PLAY: club@wimbledonhawks.com; Ross on 07903 344291.

United: Australia and France on the Somme

afl on the battlefield Anzac cup on the front An iconic theatre of war for will be given a far more enjoyable use on April 20, when the fifth Anzac Cup is played at Villers-Bretonneux.

A team wearing the green and gold trim of Australia – New Zealanders are welcome too – will play a team from France on the battlefield of the Somme, where thousands of young men lost their lives for both countries during World War One. AFL Europe general manager Ben MacCormack said there were two spots left to fill for the match. How good you are isn’t important, he said, calling on players “interested in personal connections to the area or the armed forces and the Anzac’s special history”.

If you’d like to fill the final spots, send a brief email to ben.maccormack@afleurope.org explaining why you’re keen to be part of it. afleurope.com

tntMagazine.com

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: MICHAEL GADD michael.gadd@tntmagazine.com

Dumped: Watson and Khawaja didn’t give any answers for their form slide

Exclusive: Why Aussie four didn’t do their homework

What Watson, Khawaja, Pattinson and Johnson didn’t want to say*

» Agree or disagree? Should Test players be given homework? letters@tntmagazine.com 48

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Maybe last week’s Champions League masterclass from Barcelona, with Lionel Messi the headline act, will shut up some of the ‘Ronaldo is the world’s best’ brigade for a bit.

The slick-haired Portugese-Real Madrid striker is a top player, the best of his kind in the world, but Messi is streaks ahead. The only category Ronaldo has Messi on is goals (just), but that pales into insignificance when you consider the Argentine’s impact on his team – he covers more ground, touches the ball more, wins it and lays on (assists, if you’re American) as many as he slots away.

Barca’s 4-0 demolition of AC Milan, no

“

Messi’s greatness isn’t about numbers

”

mugs, to be the first team to go through to the final eight having trailed 2-0 after the first leg, was football at its finest. And Messi was the axis. Ronaldo’s a great finisher and a strong striker, but Messi brings so much more beauty and class to the world game. Hopefully he gets a chance to show it head-to-head soon.

*May not be an exclusive Photo: Getty

As the first Test team ever selected based on their Powerpoint presso ability did their thing in India, TNT discovered a bombshell – the foursome dumped from the Test for not doing their homework did do it, but were afraid to hand it in.

Coach Mickey Arthur asked the players to shoot him an email or present to him ways they and the team can improve after two drubbings from India. Four players didn’t do it – indicative of a general attitude slump, apparently – so were dropped from the fourth Test. Legends of the game who’d sort it with a piss up (probably) said they’ve “never heard anything so stupid” (Mark Waugh) and “I thought letting them play in the next Test would be punishment enough” (Andrew Flintoff). But I’ve found why the naughty four homework dodgers didn’t submit a report – theirs made ugly reading.

Shane Watson: Surely I’m not worth picking if not bowling. I may look like Bam Bam but it doesn’t happen on the field for some reason. An average of 36.03 is ordinary, but not a bad as the fact I’ve got to 50 runs 21 times and only gone on to 100 twice. Surely that doesn’t make me a specialist batsman. Maybe I should bowl. Can I go home?

Usman Khawaja: How can I better the situation for the team? Can I play? My numbers are about the same as Phil Hughes and he’s totally on the nose against spin. At least I don’t look like I’m swatting flies against tweakers. Failing that I have a pilot’s licence and was born in Pakistan, so to escape embarrassment here we could fly over the border.

James Pattinson: A bit of support from some other bowlers would be handy. I’ve only had one innings without a wicket in my nine Tests and I was the only one to trouble these Indians, let’s be honest. Maybe you could put me up the order – my batting average (30) is about the same as Watson, Khawaja and Hughes. My brother Darren might know, he played a Test for England once and they’re going pretty good.

Mitchell Johnson: What’s the question? Why am I here again? When’s Perth?

RONALDO ISN’T IN MESSI’S LEAGUE

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15/03/2013 13:22:23

TNT Language School sponsored by

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Learn The Lingo courses, part of TNT’s Language School, are ideal for beginners or those who’d like to brush up on the basics

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TRAVEL LATE DEALS | HOTSHOTS | TRAVEL TIPS | TOP FIVE | TOURS | BIG TRIP IMAGE OF THE WEEK

LINE DANCING Dancers perform a thanksgiving ritual at the Kaamulan festival in Mindanao Island, Philippines

Photos: Getty

INSIDE

WAY TO GO /56

SCOOTING OFF /66

SEOUL SEARCHING /70

Need a walk that’s wild, lonely and breathtakingly beautiful? The Pennine Way is Britain’s most gruelling National Trail.

The best way to explore Spain’s capital city is by scooter. TNT motors around Madrid’s winding backstreets and historic palaces.

From ancient spiritual ceremonies to taking on the East’s answer to a Jägerbomb, we explore South Korea’s capital city.

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15/03/2013 15:29:50

TRAVELDIARY Helen Elfer TRAVEL EDITOR

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@tntmagazine

Cool parties: on the piste at Austria’s Snowbombing fest

LIFE THROUGH A LENS Apparently, the average traveller takes more than 300 images on their holidays. Of these, according to new research by sunshine.co.uk, about 10 per cent are shared with friends on social media outlets such as Facebook and Twitter, and the rest sit on laptops never to be looked at again.

I’m not surprised to hear this, as compulsive, pointless snapping on holiday is one of my biggest bugbears. Sometimes it seems as though people are so intent on capturing every last statue, plate of food or sunset that they forget to actually look at the places they’re visiting – you know, just with their actual eyeballs, not through a lens.

I’ve even seen people taking hundreds of snapshots through the dirty windows of a moving bus. I just wanted to grab the sodding camera and explain slowly and carefully that a smeary, blurry image of the countryside is not something anyone is ever going to want to look at, ever again.

I find it even more annoying when I’m away with friends and every time we come across an amazing view, they want to plonk me in front of it and spend the next 10 minutes shouting instructions to lift my chin, move my hair or smile more. That is not my idea of a good time and I can guarantee the picture will look much better without a sweaty, squinting, cranky girl in the middle of it anyway.

I just think we’d get much more from our travelling experiences by enjoying the best moments as they come, taking as much in as we possibly can, soaking up the atmosphere and noticing the details for their own sake rather than trying to obsessively document it all.

in to helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

Mayrhofen’s Snowbombing fest is being touted as “the greatest show on snow”, and with very good reason. The first week of April will be 1-6 filled with fresh air, blue skies, black runs and white-hot parties – a week-long whirlwind of world-class DJs (such as Carl Cox) and bands (including Kasabian), winter sports and après-ski in a breathtaking alpine setting.

APRIL

WHY: English club promoters first started this event in 2000 at the French resort of Risoul. Since then it’s got bigger and better, relocating to the Tyrolean resort and including a sensational igloo village to party in, and raucous raves held in mountainside forest clearings.

YAM FESTIVAL

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

snowbombing.com

HANG GLIDING FEST

Jamaica

Ghana

Trelawny residents first started this festival to 1 celebrate yams, and now more than 18,000 people visit the town the day after Easter to participate in cooking competitions and to sample yam buns, punch, puddings and, best of all, sweet yam wine.

Accra, Ghana’s capital, will be filled with extreme 29-31 sports fans enjoying hot food, warm breezes and loud music.

Daredevils will be hang gliding and paragliding 2000ft above ground while everyone else can take part in the festivities and group hikes.

APRIL

visitjamaica.com

US

RENAISSANCE FEST

This themed weekend in Tampa’s Bay Area in Florida 6-7 is based on a ‘High Seas Adventure’. Pirate costume comps, BBQ championships, a pickle pie eating contest and a Trader’s Port (a fun term for market) will facilitate the fun.

APRIL

bayarearenaissancefest.com

52

DO IT BECAUSE: TNT is partnering up with Snowbombing to bring you a super deal: you can stay at the TNT Village, where dorm beds, including a Snowbombing wristband to the week’s events, start at £314pp. Book at tntmagazine.com/snowbombing.

MAR

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FANTASTIC FILM

Belgium

This sci-fi fantasy film festival in Brussels prides 2-13 itself on screening cinematic “nuggets of horror.” A body-painting competition draws some of the world’s most skilled special effects artists who paint blood and guts on volunteers.

APRIL

festivalfantastique.org

Photo: TNT

Can’t stop taking photos on holiday? Write

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borneo ban

Off limits: Borneo’s Sabah

An outbreak of violence between militants and Malaysian troops has led to travellers being advised to avoid parts of Sabah, in Malaysian Borneo. The Foreign Office issued a warning against visiting “an area east of a line joining Sabah’s most northerly point near the town of Kudat to the Indonesian border in the southern part of Sabah, near Tawau”. This zone includes parts of the Danum Valley, where you may remember their Royal Highnesses Kate and Wills took a high-profile trip last year. It also includes a number of islands immediately off the coast, including Sipadan, which is a very popular destination for divers.

Photo: Getty

Visit Chavez No, it’s not too late, although you’d be forgiven for thinking that. It’s been announced that the corpse of Venezuela’s former leader Hugo Chávez is to be embalmed and put on public display in a glass tomb at the Museum of the Revolution, a military museum near the palace from which the socialist leader ruled.

Vice President Nicolás Maduro said: “We have decided to prepare the body of our Comandante President, to embalm it so that it remains open for all time for the people. Just like Ho Chi Minh. Just like Lenin. Just like Mao Zedong.”

No date has been announced for the display yet.

Brits snubbed For years tourists have complained that getting a visa for India is trickier than it should be, but while a new visa-on-arrival system is being mooted, it looks as though Aussies, Kiwis and Brits will be excluded from taking advantage. Travellers from Germany, France, Spain, Poland and Russia will benefit from the proposed changes. However, there is speculation that the snub to Brits is in response to the recent tightening of visa regulations for Indians travelling to the UK, which has led to an 18 per cent drop in visitors from the country, according to The Sunday Times.

kiwi porn promo?

Ready to roll your eyes? The new logo promoting the New Zealand region of Kapiti features a stylised letter “K”, cut in half, above the word “Kapiti”. It has green and blue colouring, and was supposed to represent the region’s mountains and the sea. That’s all. But it’s been slammed for being “pornographic”. Why? Jackie Elliott, an Otaki Community Board member, suggested that the curvy lines could be misinterpreted. “I have had feedback from the public that this ‘K’ image, with its bent leg at the knee, is more than mildly pornographic,” she said. We say, however you get your kicks...

tntMagazine.com

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[Caption]

Ancient: trek along Hadrian’s Wall

Pennine Way

eat, drink, SLEEP

EDINBURGH

scotland

E IN NN PE

UNITED KINGDOM

KIRK YETHOLM

W

AY

EDALE

GETTING THERE Take the train from London Euston to Edale from £45 return. mytrainticket.com

The Old Nags Head is the semi-official starting point of the Way. Stuff yer face – you’ll need extra padding on the windy moors.

Two courses of pub grub for £10. the-old-nags-head.co.uk The best fish and chips along the trail can be found at The Chippie in Hawes. Try the special: fish, chips, mushy peas, bread and butter, and a pot of tea, for £8.50.

(Main Street, Hawes, DL8 3QL, tel.

01969 667663) England’s highest pub, Tan Hill Inn is in the middle of bleedin’ nowhere. Pints from £3. tanhillinn.co.uk The Border Hotel, Kirk Yetholm, is the traditional end point where you can get a certificate. Better still, you’re entitled to a free half-pint if you walked it in one go. How do they know claimants are genuine? “Oh, you can tell,” said the barman. Pints from around £3. theborderhotel.com

Guided and self-guided walking and hiking holidays throughout England and Wales.

Guided Long Distance Paths including the Pennine Way and Wainwright’s famous Coast to Coast walk.

Scenic: rugged hillside hiking 56

TNT_1542_056 56

om footpath-holidays.c path-holidays.co.uk Tel: 01985 840049 enquiries@foot

Dufton YHA is the finest hostel on the Way, if not the most inviting and homely in the country. Beds from £19.40pn. yha.org.uk/hostel/dufton The bothy Greg’s Hut is a Pennine Way institution and a very welcoming sight if you’ve had a wet day on Cross Fell. Free. culgaith.org.uk/ghut.html

-

tntMagazine.com

15/03/2013 15:21:33

UKTRIP

Way to go Wild, lonely and beautiful, the Pennine Way is Britain’s most gruelling National Trail

Photos: Damian Hall; Thinkstock; VisitBritain Images

WORDS DAMIAN HALL

I’m standing on the Pennine Way, England’s oldest and toughest National Trail. Well, near it. Well, hopefully near it. I’m a little, er, topographically confused. I’m also soaked through and surrounded by thick fog, while the wind and rain are acting like I’ve said something unsophisticated about their mothers. I’d love to say it shouldn’t be like this.

But this is exactly what the Way has a reputation for.

The trail follows the backbone of England, from Edale in the rugged Peak District through the glorious Yorkshire Dales and along Hadrian’s Wall, to the criminally underrated Cheviots and the village of Kirk Yetholm, Scotland. More than 60 per cent of it is in national parks and the route includes England’s highest above-ground waterfall and, perhaps more notably, the highest pub – plus High Cup, which for me offers simply the greatest view in England (more on that later). The Pennine Way is 238 miles (431km) of the remotest, wildest and best upland walking in England. It also, as I’m reluctantly verifying, has a reputation for foul weather.

On the first day of my 16-day hike, I cross bleakly beautiful gritstone plateaus and melancholy moorlands. The next few days have more moors, verdant valleys, curious rock formations, Roman paving stones and mysterious standing stones. At Malham, on the edge of the Dales, limestone splendour is everywhere. There are natural pavements of glacier-carved rock and giant semi-amphitheatres, such as Malham Cove, which was featured in Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 1. Apocalyptic clefts, such as Gordale Scar, look as though they were created by Norse gods who’ve just discovered their wife’s cheating on them. Epic stuff.

I follow old packhorse routes through yellow windtickled dales to Hawes – traditional, friendly and where the Wensleydale cheese of Wallace & Gromit fame is made.

Indeed, the Way lands me at a village most nights, usually places I’ve never heard of but don’t want to leave. In fact, you could almost use the Way as a tour of northern England’s cosy pubs and welcoming cafés.

After Hardraw Force – the crashing waterfall where Kevin Costner got his moobs out in Prince Of Thieves – it’s over the whaleback behemoth of Great Shunner Fell, where it really does feel like you’re striding atop the backbone of England.

That night, after hours of lonely bog-trotting, I arrive at the highest and surely loneliest pub in the country, Tan Hill Inn.

It’s hard to imagine a more welcome sight, and I spend the night here by the log fire catching up with fellow hikers, trading tips and comparing blisters.

The next day I’m treated to the best bit of the whole walk – the floor drops away in front of me to reveal a compelling yet terrifying chasm. This is High Cup, a horseshoe valley gouged out by a glacier, as though the latter were a giant ice-cream scoop. The apocalyptic cleft is horrifying and wondrous and I can’t take my eyes off it. It must be the most spectacular view in England.

“

High Cup must be the best view in England

”

In good weather Cross Fell must also be striking, but I’m not gifted with that and it’s up here that I get an oldfashioned soaking. And slightly lost. But I soon meet another wayfarer, who I team up with to find the path.

On most walks, the World Heritage-listed Hadrian’s Wall would be the highlight and I march along it for eight memorable miles. But the last two days, in the Cheviot Hills, are the best of the lot. Giant, cartoon hills of grass-covered volcanic rock, with hardly a soul about. Bliss.

I reflect that despite the Pennine Way’s notoriety I only had a soaking twice in 16 days, and I only got lost for a few minutes. I had blisters. And the squelching noise of the bogs is still in my ears. But it’s a small price to pay. To walk the Way is to understand that despite Britain’s pandemic of cars and tarmac, you can still find wild, remote and plain beautiful places on this island that offer a giddy sense of liberation. And that’s a very fine thing.

NEXT WEEK

Damian Hall is the author of the National Trail Pennine Way guide. nationaltrail.co.uk/pennineway

Cornwall: Go hunting for oysters and other treats on the coast

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LATEDEALS

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Africa A seven-day tour from Zambia to South Africa costs £319pp (save 15 per cent) with Acacia Africa (0207 7064700; acacia-africa.com). Includes oneway flight from Livingstone, Zambia, camping accommodation, most meals, park fees and guide. Excludes return flight. Departs Livingstone on April 3.

ANzac Day A nine-day tour of Turkey is £373pp with Travel Talk (traveltalktours.com; 0208 0998852). Includes accommodation, some meals, plus Dawn Service and Gallipoli national ceremonies. Excludes flights. Book by March 31. Departs Istanbul on April 19.

Lake garda A seven-night stay costs £296pp with easyJet Holidays (holidays.easyjet.com; 0843 104 1000). Includes return flights and fourstar, half-board accommodation at the Torbole Club Hotel La Vela. Departs London Luton on April 15.

> £500 MIAMI Five nights in Miami is £691pp (based on two people sharing) with STA Travel (0800 988 0390; statravel.co.uk). Includes room-only accommodation at the Ocean Five Hotel and return flights. Valid on selected dates between May 1-23. egypt & Jordan A 16-day tour is now £512pp (save 35 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Includes fiveand four-star accommodation plus visits to Cairo, Giza and more. Excludes flights and local payment. Book by March 31. Departs March 30 and April 6.

Sharm El Sheikh A seven-night stay is £502pp with easyJet Holidays (holidays.easyjet.com; 0843 1041000). Includes return flights and five-star, all-inclusive accommodation at the Marriott Sharm Mountain Resort. Departs London Luton on April 30.

DAILY TRAVEL DEALS Go to tntmagazine.com/travel/latedeals where new travel deals are updated daily.

There are more than 30 deals live at any time. Also sign up for TNT’s weekly travel newsletter, which will be emailed to you every Wednesday with the most up-to-date deals and guides to over 170 destinations.

Sign up at tntmagazine.com/travelemail.

Money transfers Need to send money between Australia, New Zealand and the UK? You don’t need a bank to do it. We also do money transfers to South Africa.

Transfer fees from £1 For live transfer rates, visit tntforex.com or call 0870 898 8996

Exchange rates* Australian dollar 1.49 New Zealand dollar 1.82 South African rand 13.4 Polish złoty 4.82 Euro 1.16 US dollar 1.53 Canadian dollar 1.57 Hong Kong dollar 11.8 Swedish krona 9.8 Swiss franc 1.41 Singapore dollar 1.88 Why use tntforex?

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MIlan A two-night break costs £117pp with easyJet Holidays (0843 1041000; holidays.easyjet.com).

Includes return flights and four-star, B&B accommodation at the Antares Hotel Concorde. Departs London Luton on April 15.

Egypt A nine-day Essential Egypt tour is £159pp (2-4-1) with Travel Talk (traveltalktours.com; 0208 0998852). Includes five- and four-star accommodation and some meals.

Excludes flights. Book by March 31.

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BUDAPEST Two nights is £168pp with easyJet Holidays (0843 1041000; holidays.easyjet.com).

Includes four-star, B&B accommodation at the Continental Zara hotel and return flights from London Luton. Departs on April 22.

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Departs on April 24.

PORTUGAL Seven nights in the Algarve is £185pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes return flights and B&B accommodation at the Plaza Real Aparthotel in Praia da Rocha. Prices based on two people sharing. Departs London Stansted on April 23.

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by Client Trust Account

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15/03/2013 14:18:21

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PATRICIA MONTENEGRO Talks travel photography

3-DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND + PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE

WINNER

WIN

Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com). Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

RUNNER-UP

WINNER

RUNNER-UP

DESERT TEA SERVICE, MOROCCO

Chris Flack, Christchurch, New Zealand

FATHER TIMELESS, UK Caroline Mckenzie, Hamilton, New Zealand

WHY IT WORKS When bright colours pop out of a vast, earthy landscape, it brings a great sense of contrast. But to zoom in and make the bold shades the focus of the image creates serious intensity. Chris has gone with the latter here, with the bright purple headdress and royal blue robe dominating the frame against the brown backdrop. Still, the intriguing contrast comes in the man’s face – with his head down and eyes closed he appears in deep thought, oblivious to his surroundings.

WHY IT WORKS Caroline has captured her own moody postcard moment here of one of London’s most iconic landmarks. It’s a timeless image, that could have been taken in any decade since its was completed in its current incarnation in the 1800s. The spires of the buildings that make up the Houses of Parliament poke up behind the Thames and Westminster Bridge, with eyes drawn to Elizabeth Tower’s. The sun hiding behind the clouds creates a deep, dramatic shadow among the structures and on the water.

WHERE IN THE WORLD?

A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

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Files must be at least 500Kb.

BONE CHURCH, KUTNA HORA, CZECH REPUBLIC Sophie McKeon

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TOP FIVE

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bridges

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Golden Gate Bridge, US

No one goes abroad just to look at a bridge – well, unless you’re a bridge enthusiast, in which case, you’re probably reading the wrong magazine – but there’s no denying there are some beauties out there that help form some of the world’s most iconic views.

One of those is the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco.

Its burnt-orange vibrancy in the bright California sunshine, emerging from the Golden Gate Strait’s morning mist, or illuminated at night, has made it one of the most instantly recognisable sights in the US. The bridge is so iconic in fact, that it’s had a starring role in countless movies over the years; it got destroyed by a giant octopus in Fifties horror flick It Came From Beneath The Sea; a school bus almost fell off the side of it, before being saved by the all-American superhero himself in Superman: The Movie and more recently, in X-Men: The Last Stand, Magneto switches the position of the bridge so that it connects to Alcatraz. That’s quite a few misadventures over the years.

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In real life, many events on the Golden Gate have been almost as dramatic as the movies – it’s the bridge with the dubious honour of having the highest rate of suicides, the recorded figure currently standing at 1200.

Documentary filmmaker Eric Steel was slammed in 2004 when he revealed that he had conned the bridge committee into allowing him to film the Golden Gate for months, telling them he was a making a film “exploring the beauty and mystique of the Golden Gate Bridge” when in fact he was trying to capture suicides on film (he got footage of 23 deaths over a year’s filming).

For most people, of course, the experience of the bridge is a far more pleasant one: three million commuters and tourists cross the bridge each month, and it’s constantly being repainted to make sure its bright paintwork is kept in tip-top condition.

A walk, cycle or drive over the 2737m of the bridge will set you back the very modest sum of £4. Definitely worth it. goldengate.org

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Ponte Vecchio, italy

At Ponte Vecchio, the oldest stone arch bridge in Europe, merchants who could not pay their debt had their tables (banco) broken by soldiers (rotto) to become ‘bancorotto’ – so evolved the word we now say as ‘bankrupt’.

The bridge was first built from wood, but was destroyed and later rebuilt with stone in 1345. Now, the ‘old bridge’ over the Arno River is the only Florentine bridge to survive World War II. visititlay.com

Photos: Thinkstock

4

Helix Bridge, singapore

Lefties rejoice: this giant DNA model celebrates the 27 per cent of the population who are left-handed.

This ultra-modern bridge and observation deck opened in April 2010 to link Singapore’s Marina Centre with the Marina Bay in the city. A walk across it gives you a science lesson as symbols for cytosine, guanine, adenine and thymine, the four bases of DNA, twist around the spiral and are illuminated in red and green at night.

Geeky but cool. yoursingapore.com

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Chapel Bridge, switzerland

It is named for the nearby St Peter’s Chapel, but this wooden truss in Lucerne is a pedestrian bridge that has become one of Switzerland’s main tourist attractions.

Stretching 170m over the river Reuss, this covered bridge is now the city’s symbol and the oldest structure of its kind in Europe. Much of what stands today isn’t original as a fire in 1993 destroyed much of it and tragically, the 17th-century paintings inside. myswitzerland.com/en/lucerne.html

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‘X’ Bridge, Brazil

If you thought it would be hard to burgle a bridge, you’re oh-so wrong.

The Octávio Frias de Oliveira Bridge (also known as the ‘X’ Bridge) has been robbed three times already.

The structure’s been open less than five years, but in that time, vandals have stolen almost £75,000 worth of the wire, plus broken into the control room to destroy the lighting. When it isn’t being vandalised, the bridge draws attention for its unique ‘X’ structure with two impressive curved tracks. sao-paulo.info

Fron: at the heart of the action

hÓtel frÓn overview Whether you’re planning to spend your time in Reykjavik partying late in the downtown bars, hitting the quirky boutiques or visiting the region’s geographical wonders, you couldn’t ask for a better location than Hotel Frón.

Set halfway down one of the city’s most famous city centre streets, Laugavegur, many tours depart from near here and lines of quirky bars and restaurants are in easy reach. You can’t beat the shopping on this road either, whether you want to pick up weird and wonderful viking souvenirs (think horned helmets) or trendy threads.

WOW factor Eating and drinking round these parts certainly doesn’t come cheap, but Hotel Frón’s rooms have a mini-kitchen, complete with cutlery and tableware, so if you do need to save a few pennies you’ve got the option to eat in.

Rooms These are plain and clean, if a little on the sterile side – think about the sorts of rooms you get in university halls and you’ll be on the right track.

Bill, please Single rooms start from £60pn.

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Hong Kong: a great stopover destination

LAUREN RAYNER Social media specialist & travel blog editor Flight Centre

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READERS’ TIPS ON MADRID FORGET FLAMENCO Don’t bother going to see the flamenco shows in Madrid, they’re only put on for tourists and are a total rip-off.

Everyone here is into Spanish jazz instead, so catch a local gig.

Miguel Smith, via email BUDGET ART If you want to go to the Prado art museum, visit on weekdays between 6pm and 8pm – it’s free entry then.

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available and so often are some of the cheapest routes. Dubai (Qantas and Emirates operate through this route) is a popular stopover and worth considering if you are seeking an ultramodern city break, packed with shopping, drinking and watersports.

Southeast Asia is another option for a stopover with airlines operating through Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia Airlines), Bangkok (Thai Airways), Hong Kong (Cathay Pacific) or Singapore (Singapore Airlines, British Airways).

My recommendation for an exciting city break stopover would be Hong Kong, as you’ll find plenty to enjoy and keep you occupied over a few days. The city itself is bursting with history and culture, so you will find plenty to do here. The street markets in the city’s Kowloon region are fantastic places to wander, take photos, stock up on souvenirs and try local street food. Temple Street Night Market is one of the best in the world. And take the 15-minute trip on the Star Ferry from Kowloon to Hong Kong Island to get incredible views of the city’s skyline. Also, make sure you plan enough time to visit the Ngong Ping Plateau just outside Hong Kong to take the spectacular 5.7km-long cable car ride up to the 23m-tall Tian Tan Buddha. If you have time, you could even visit the ‘Las Vegas of the East’ with a short 55-minute ferry ride to the city of Macau.

What’s your top travel tip?

Don’t forget to look behind you – it’s so easy to miss some of the greatest views when you’re so busy looking ahead. It sounds silly, but I always look back for a last glimpse.

Most challenging travel experience?

Travelling through Turkey, alone, via bus during off season. But the bus drivers were some of the most helpful people I’ve ever met on my travels – they’d always make sure I got off at the right stop and tell me where I needed to go.

Best place to visit?

I always answer this differently! But right now, it’s Egypt. I visited last year and it was so quiet and there’s so much history to take in.

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Heaven on wheels: scootering through Madridâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s city centre

Partying on Calle Huertas

Madrid Spain

GETTING THERE Take the overnight sleeper train from London St Pancras International to Madrid, changing in Paris with Rail Europe from ÂŁ193 return. raileurope.co.uk

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spain

MADRID

Sharing: tasty tapas and (above) the preparation

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Scooting off in Spain The best way to explore Spain’s capital city is by scooter. TNT motors around Madrid’s winding backstreets and historic palaces Words Helen elfer

Bright sunshine is beating down on Madrid. The sky is pristine, blue and cloudless, light bounces off the cobblestones in steep alleyways, the splashing water of the Cibeles Fountain is glistening, and City Hall’s bright white facade is so dazzling you have to squint to look at it.

After a week of drizzle, it’s safe to say this is the first day of spring, and the Madrileños are out in force to celebrate it.

The city’s spacious squares are full of people out for a stroll and the rest of the streets are packed with shoppers, people sitting on patios and drinking coffee or sipping cheeky lunchtime glasses of wine. Every doorway seems to have someone leaning against it, soaking up a few rays while they linger over a cigarette or two (this is Madrid after all – everyone smokes). Even the faded yellow and red paint of the old tapas joints looks quirkily retro rather than shabby.

All I can see, however, is a blur of this activity out of the corner of my eye, as I’m on the back of a scooter, clinging for dear life onto my boyfriend’s jacket. We’re definitely going too fast and he’s swinging the bike through lanes of traffic with the abandon of an over-confident line-dancer. “Are we lost? We’re lost, aren’t we?” I shout as loud as I can, but if the words make it past my helmet shield, they’re definitely lost in the whiz of wind. I jab him, but there’s no response.

“We’ve already been down this road,” I say sulkily to the inside of my helmet.

The layout of Madrid really begs to be explored by scooter, as the back streets are numerous, winding up and down the countless hills that the city lies over. So this morning, despite barely having a lick of Spanish between us, and very little grasp of the local road laws, we decide to hire a scooter to pack in as much sightseeing as possible. After a few failed attempts (our hopeful “Hablos ingles?” in various hire shops were met with many a gruff, “No!”) we eventually chanced upon Moto and Go (motoandgo.es), where the English-speaking shop owner was more than happy to pack us off on the back of one of his 125cc bikes. His instructions were short. “Drive slow on the pavements. Don’t park outside museums. Fill it up with petrol afterwards. Now go.”

And so we do. Given the gorgeous weather, the Puerta del Sol, meaning ‘Gate of the Sun’, seems a good first destination. We hop off to admire the two famous bronze statues here: The Bear and the Strawberry Tree, the official symbol of the city (because the surrounding fields used to be

packed with bears) and the magnificent King George III on horseback. One of the busiest places in Madrid, the square is also the official starting point for Spain’s six national roads and there’s even a stone slab called Kilometre Zero to mark the exact spot.

We climb back on the bike and zip down Calle Mayor, Madrid’s original High Street, then after a few twists and

“

The faded tapas bars are quirkily retro

”

turns, somehow find ourselves on Calle Huertas, the capital’s most famous road for tapas and wine bars. Bingo.

We duck into Cafe Central and order a couple of plates of tapas to share. These tastebud-tingling, bite-sized snacks usually revolve around toast with local cheeses, hams ››

King George III in the Puerta del Sol tntMagazine.com

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and other delicacies – the perfect way to sample as many Spanish flavours as you’ve got the stomach for.

Sated, we heave ourselves back on the bike to do some more exploring – and that’s when we get lost. After a little wrangling over maps, we eventually decide to use the city’s geography to our advantage, and just tank it uphill as far as we can go.

We’re rewarded for our ingenious plan when we pull out in front of the capital’s most magnificent building – the Royal Palace of Madrid. Stretching over 135,000 square metres it’s Europe’s largest functioning palace and is flanked by the lush, perfectly groomed Sabatini Gardens. Although it’s the official royal residence, King Juan Carlos doesn’t actually live here – for the life of me I can’t think why not.

Bike safely parked, we wander around the building, joining tourists checking out stalls with guys twisting wires into names, selling trinkets or playing music on rows of glasses filled with different levels of water. We peek over the edge of the palace’s rails, from where we can see the city spreading out into the distance, urban streets gradually turning into forests and fields under the Spanish sun. What a panorama to catch on the first day of spring. ❚

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Looking out onto the Plaza de Isabel II 2 is Cafe Real (left), which has plenty of tiny nooks and crannies for settling into with a coffee for a couple of hours. It’s a great spot for breakfast, too. Mains from £3.

(Plaza de Isabel II 2)

If you’re sick of all the types of ham and sausage that turn up on your tapas plates, La Isla del Tesoro is a great vegetarian restaurant for trying something different. The menu is constantly evolving. Mains from £10. isladeltesoro.net

For a long evening over wine, tapas and jazz music, head to Cafe Central. They have live music most nights of the week and the tapas menu includes tidbits such as gorgonzola cheese with walnuts on toast. Lip-smacking. Tapas from £4. cafecentralmadrid.com

drink

Famous for being one of Ernest Hemingway’s haunts when he was in Madrid, La Venencia serves only sherry, including the writer’s favourite tipple, Manzanilla.

Approx £2 a glass.

(Echegaray 7, tel. +914 297313)

On Calle Huertas, Miranda is a buzzing place to stop for a cocktail or three. Stop in here on a trail of the bars along this road, but don’t get there too early – like many of its kind, this doesn’t liven up until after midnight. Drinks from £2.50.

(Calle Huertas 29, tel. +913 691025)

If you want to treat yourself to a tasting session of the region’s finest wines, try La Cruzada. Apparently King Alfonso XII used to do just that here many moons ago. Glasses of wine from £4.

(Amnistía 8, tel. +915 480131)

sleep

For a real budget stay, try Cat’s Hostel, which is inside a 17thcentury former palace, but is still one of the cheapest sleeps in the city.

Dorm rooms from £13pn. catshostel.com

The very snug Hostel El Pilar is right at the heart of the action, close to the Puerta del Sol. Rooms are small but clean and it’s a great place to chat to other backpackers. Rooms from £29pn. hostalelpilar.net

Boutique hotel Radisson Blu Prado is just minutes’ walk from all the best features of Madrid – tapas joints and cheap wine bars are close by and the Museo del Prado is just over the road. Standard rooms from £103pn. radissonblu.com

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Photos: Thinkstock, Getty

BUDGET

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15/03/2013 15:14:03

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Seoul south korea

NORTH KOREA

SEOUL

SOUTH KOREA

Regal: South Koreans in a royal court ceremony at Gyeongbokgung Palace

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GETTING THERE Fly from London Heathrow to Seoul return with British Airways from ÂŁ601. ba.com

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BIGTRIP

Seoul searching From ancient spiritual ceremonies to taking on the East’s answer to a Jägerbomb, we explore South Korea’s capital city Words Debbie Ward

WHEN TO GO: Autumn, between September and As invitations to dinner go, it is spectacular. however, with wooden eaves painted in reds November, is the best time to go The massed ranks of men and women before and greens and tiles topped with gargoyles. as the weather is usually sunny me are dressed in purple and crimson robes The unearthly visitors anticipated here are and the monsoon season over. and are drumming, chiming large bells and less benevolent than the ones at Jongmyo Temperatures range from 15-20°C. performing complex sequences of bows. But – giant water jars are placed around the CURRENCY: £1 = 1638 KRW then, it isn’t me they are welcoming to their complex to protect the wooden buildings (South Korean won) feast, it is the ghosts of their royal ancestors. from fire spirits. The idea is not to quench ACCOMMODATION: Get a The Jongmyo Daeje ceremony at Jongmyo the mythical evil-doers’ thirst but to hope Shrine in Seoul has been performed this same taste of South Korean tradition in they are scared off when they see their own Tea Guesthouse, where overnight way for 500 years, every May, earning it a reflections. guests can sleep the traditional Unesco listing.

Between Changdeokgung and the other way, on a mattress on a heated The hundreds of brightly robed royal key royal palace of Gyeongbokgung sits the wooden floor, from £42 per night. descendants in the shrine’s courtyard switch Bukchon heritage district. This is a residential They’ll even throw in free Korean to performing slow, solemn dances in lines area filled with the traditional Hanok-style tea and a dressing up session in to the sound of chanting. Via the English houses. I pick up a map at the visitor centre traditional robes for you. commentary on my headset, I learn that and go for a wander. Some of the dwellings the officials behind the performers are date back to the 19th century and a few have teaguesthouse.com symbolically burning animal blood mixed been turned into craft shops and cafes. with millet and pouring wine down a hole to the spirit The National Museum (museum.go.kr; admission is free) chamber. They then set out the feast itself on rows of golden is another heritage must-see with exhibits including bronze tableware. According to Confucianism, if suitably pleased Buddhas and beautiful calligraphy. My own favourite is a with the spread, the spirits will grant blessings in return. delicate gold crown ornamented with droplets of jade.

My guide Min tells me her family honours its own Perhaps South Korea’s most famous historical attraction ancestors with simpler ceremonial meals at home. “But what is the Demilitarized Zone, known by the much more snappy happens to the food?” I ask. “We believe they eat it,” she DMZ. This wide strip of no-man’s-land on the ‘38th parallel’ says. My bemusement must show on my face because she about 80 miles from Seoul has separated North and South adds: “We eat the meal after them; the spirits don’t exactly Korea since the Korean War ended in 1953. In spite of its have teeth.” reassuring name, it’s actually the most heavily militarised When the Jongmyo ceremony ends, the participants border in the world. retrieve mobile phones from the folds of their robes, relax and I’ve heard that visitors tie prayers for unification to a pose for pictures with peace-sign-flashing tourists. This mix of barbed-wire-topped fence and that at festival time some ancient and modern typifies Seoul. Hugely rebuilt after the bring meals here to feel closer to loved ones on the other Korean War, the capital now has skyscrapers and mega-malls side of the divide. But in spite of the gestures of civilians, cheek-by-jowl with ancient palaces. The same young Seoulites North and South Korean soldiers eyeball one another dancing to K-pop likely follow time-honoured Confucian across the strip, fingers on triggers, tensions running high. principles, such as respecting their elders and being sincere.

I mean, this is serious stuff, right? So it seems more than a To get a feel for the heritage side of Seoul, at least one little incongruous to find out that a visit here is not only palace should be among first-timers’ sightseeing missions. considered a relaxing day out (tourdmz.com; from around £45), but it’s actually so touristy that you can pick up a box I choose the 15th-century Changdeokgung (cdg.go.kr; entry about £3), which is famous for its ‘secret’ garden, built for of DMZ souvenir chocolates and pose for photos with ›› scholarly reflection. It’s the roofs that impress me most, grinning South Korean soldiers. tntMagazine.com

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At a row of coin-operated telescopes I peep across land towards the notoriously sensitive, secretive neighbours. The atmosphere is one of gentle curiosity, until someone steps over the clearly painted line where signs insist ‘No cameras’.

Ignoring the warnings, he prepares to take a snap of the North and, like lightning, the atmosphere changes. A heavily armed soldier hurls a volley of furious Korean in his direction and, suddenly terrified, the tourist scuttles off, tail between his legs. Perhaps it’s not that relaxed after all ...

A highlight of the DMZ is the Third Tunnel of Aggression, one of a series of channels through which North Korea is believed to have tried to breach its neighbour’s border. I don a hard hat and head down into the dark on what feels like the world’s most sedate ghost train. I’m glad of my helmet as I bang my head on the low roof. The tunnel looks like a mine shaft and guides are quick to point out the scrape marks that indicate the direction from which it was dug (North Korea denies the handiwork). It is now filled in after a few metres, the only breach made by water, which bubbles up from an underground spring. It’s clean enough to drink, so I crouch and grab a cold handful, thinking that’s probably the only taste of North Korea I’ll ever get.

Later that night I move onto something a little stronger when my city guide Young offers to take me out for a night on the lash – Seoul-style. We head to Itaewon, which is the city’s nightlife district. The streets here are lined with a mix of bars, clubs and restaurants which get packed in the evenings with an international crowd: tourists, expats and South Koreans all come here to party.

We start off our session with a couple of glasses of Bokbunja ju, which is a raspberry wine. “It’s good for sexual stamina,” Young tells me with a wink. Hmm. Sweet, fruity 72

tntMagazine.com

Bustling: downtown in busy Seoul and dangerously potent, it’s actually so easy to drink, I think it’s more likely to leave your date slumped in front of their kimchi (South Korea’s food staple) than raring to go.

There are strict etiquette rules, Young says, on how to drink in South Korea: “Fill your companion’s glass for them using two hands, or one hand with the arm held at the elbow,” she tells me. She demonstrates. I drink. She demonstrates again. I knock it back again. As the room starts

Glittering: Seoul at nightfall

Photos: Thinkstock; Getty

Traditional: South Korean women in national dress and (above) spicy kimchi

to go a little fuzzy, Young starts telling me about the South Korean take on the Jägerbomb – with the local vodka-like soju sunk into a glass of lager (“The boys like it”). I realise this ‘drink when your mates make you’ culture could get really messy ...

As I slide out into the night in a raspberry haze I see a young crowd hanging out at the Cheonggyecheon Stream, a sunken, canal-like waterway lit by neon which bisects the capital. Several malls and markets also stay open well into the night in this area, should you get the urge for some late night shopping or karaoke.

I’m definitely too far gone for either of these activities, so I take myself off to a show instead. There are some great non-dialogue performances popular with tourists in Seoul.

Cookin’ Nanta (nanta.co.kr) is one, a surreal but hilarious show that mixes dance with traditional cookery, which

“

It’s the South Korean take on a Jägerbomb

”

became so successful it was even exported to New York a few years ago for a run on Broadway. There’s also Jump (hijump.co.kr), an energetic offering mixing martial arts with acrobatics and comedy. Tonight, however, I choose a more conventional performance. The National Center for Korean Traditional Performing Arts (gugak.go.kr/eng) puts on a constantly changing programme that includes court dances, folk songs and flute music. I’m thoroughly enjoying myself as a traditional love story is told, but the seat is comfy, the air warm and the Bokbunja ju is taking effect – inevitably I doze off. Next thing I know, I’m jolted awake by a booming noise. A hundred large drums have been wheeled onto the stage during NEXT WEEK my snooze and the musicians are pounding Anzac Day: them like there’s no tomorrow. One thing’s Plan your for sure – in Seoul, things definitely never Turkey trip stay quiet for very long. ❚

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Istanbul • Gallipoli • Gullet Cruising • Troy • Cappadocia • Hot Air Ballooning • Aegean Coast Pammukale • Kusadasi • ANZAC tours • Remembrance Day Tours

Dubrovnik • Split • Hvar • Opatia Mljet • Korcula • Brac • Krka National Park • Zadar • Makarska Island Hopping • Dalmation Coast Chocie of Budget to Luxury Boats!

Awesome local guides, local experiences, quality accommodation & no mandatory single supplements!

onthegotours.com 020 7371 1113 TNT_1542_079 79

13/03/2013 16:49 15:11:38 14/03/2013

a, La Tom th FFT to Pamplon “ I have travelled wi stival Rock! “ here next? - First Fe W st. rfe be to Ok d an

Egypt & Jordan

PYRAMIDS & NILE SAILING!

Packages from

£259

Egyptian Express - 9 days

fr £259

Pyramids & Beaches -14 days

fr £359

Pyramids to Petra - 16 days

fr £879

ADVENTURE TOURS

GALLIPOLI 25th April The Dawn Service at ANZAC Cove is an amazing experience and will leave lasting memories. Also a great time to experience the diverse culture of Turkey fr £109 Tours from 2 - 14 days

TURKEY Best of Turkey - 10 days

fr £459

Coast to Cappadocia - 12 days

fr £509

Totally Turkey - 14 days

fr £599

Turkey & Egypt - 18 days

fr £699

Istanbul to the Red Sea - 23 days

fr £799

RUSSIA Vodka Shot - 6 days

fr £449

MOROCCO Marrakech & Beyond - 8 days

WESTERN FRONT

fr £549

The ANZAC’s suffered their biggest loss of lives in Belgium and France during WW1 and our visit is a poignant experience, including the Last Post at the Menin Gate and battlefield walks. fr £219 Tours 4 days

Marrakech, Sahara & Surf - 11 days fr £749

COMING UP FOR 2013!

OKTOBERFEST Munich Madness

CROATIA fr £159

FFT- MARCH 2013.indd 1 TNT_1542_080 80

fr £369

ROYALASCOT

LA TOMATINA Tomato Fight

Sailing Split - 8 days

fr £149

Race days out

fr £79

Full itineraries and tour information can be found on our website or by calling our office. First Festival Travel, 68 North End Rd, London W14 9EP Closest Tube: West Kensington

14/03/2013 15:11:39

SAN FERMIN Packages from

£129

Running of the Bulls ! Join the locals for the opening day party which seems to go for days, then try you hand at being chased by bulls. You will be at Pamplona’s premier campsite for your stay with plenty of party nights and activities.

k e e w e h t f eal o

D

TRAVEL

PAMPLONA 6TH - 14TH JULY

QUEENS DAY

AMSTERDAM 28TH APRIL - 1ST MAY

Packages from

£159

Be prepared to be “oranged” as the Dutch go crazy celebrating their Queens Birthday. Street Parades and Parties, huge outdoor concerts, outdoor flea markets and much more. We have coach tours or accommodation only.

IBIZA - Pamps Crack On

IBIZA 8TH - 12TH JULY

Packages from

£279

With over £150 of club entry, a booze cruise, and accommodation, this is too good to miss! Some say the island is a great place to recover from the madness of San Fermin, and some just want to kick start the summer.

ROYAL ASCOT

18TH - 22 JUNE

Packages from

£79

Royal Ascot needs no introduction and is definitely the UK’s most prestigous race meet. We have packages for both Ladies Day 20th June and the popular Finale Day 22nd June. Both include return transport and entry.

LA TOMATINA 28TH AUGUST

Packages from

£149

The small Spanish town of Bunol plays host to on of the worlds biggest food fights. Our tours are based in central Valencia with plenty to offer, whether it be a city bike tour, tapa tasting or just relaxing on their white sandy beaches

Just in case you missed out on our Travel Show deals, you still have till Friday to grab one of our deals TNT_1542_081 81

19/01/198014/03/2013 04:56:06 15:11:41

1973

2013

CEL

EBR

A

RS

TRAVEL

ANZAC

TOPDECK

AT I N G 4 0 Y E

3 DAY ANZAC Western Front 23-25 Apr 2013

£319

Visits Ypres, Lille, The Somme, Villers-Bretonneux & Amiens.

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£285

£450

£660

22-26 Apr 2013

19-26 Apr 2013

Visits Istanbul & Gallipoli.

Visits Istanbul, Bursa, Kusadasi, Ephesus, Pergamon, Bergama, Troy and Gallipoli.

Egypt

13-26 Apr 2013

Visits Istanbul, Ankara, Cappadocia, Konya, Antalya, Saklikent Gorge, Fethiye, Pamukkale, Kusadasi, Ephesus, Pergamon, Bergama, Troy & Gallipoli.

Favourite Big Tour Operator Favourite Ski/Winter Operator

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Pyramids & Beaches

19 DAY Ultimate Egypt

WAS £462

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NOW

15 DAY

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Dep. 20 April 2013

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Includes US$190 food fund

82

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

L8291 / Y2992

TNT_1542_082 82

20% OFF

Dep. 2 April 2013

£653

Includes US$345 food fund

*Terms and conditions apply. Prices quoted are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off the base trip price only, and do not apply to food funds and local payments. Flights not included. Egypt trip price includes local payment based on $1 = £0.618, which must be paid locally in USD. For full terms and conditions please visit www.topdeck.travel The ‘March Madness Discounts’ are valid for new bookings paid in full between 12 March and 31 March 2013 only. The 7.5% ‘March Madness Discount’ applies to all EuroCamping trips and the Discover France Explorer trip listed in Topdeck’s 2013 Europe brochure; all available departures. The ‘March Madness Discounts’ can be combined up to a maximum of 17.5% with any one of our standard brochure discounts with the exception of the ‘Early Payment Option’. The discount does not apply to Food Fund, Sailing Fund, local payment or pre/post accommodation. This offer is subject to availability. New bookings only. Normal cancellation conditions apply. Topdeck reserves the right to withdraw this offer at any time. For full terms and conditions please visit www.topdeck.travel<;http://www.topdeck.travel/

14/03/2013 15:11:55

TRAVEL

d

Ski Austria

8 DAY Ski Austria FROM

Dep. 30 March 2013

£399

What’s Included:

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Festivals in Europe 4 DAY Amsterdam Easter 29 March - 1 April 2013

£249

4 DAY Queen’s Day Amsterdam 28 April - 1 May 2013

Amsterdam beckons on this amazing value Easter break. Canals, clogs, bikes, world class museums, the Red Light District… and did we mention the nightlife? Don’t let Easter go to waste – spend it with Topdeck in Europe’s party capital!

£199

Join the orange madness of Queen’s Day with the locals and tourists! There’s no better time to experience all Amsterdam has to offer along with the carnival atmosphere for this unique event.

CALL 0845 257 5210

Open 8am-9pm

TNT_1542_083 83

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europe

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08450 267 514 www.busabout.com TNT_1542_084 84

follow our vloggers around Europe and get a feel for your own trip

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LONELY PLANET GUIDE TNT_1542_085 85

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14/03/2013 15:12:11

TRAVEL

Travelling to Europe on a Walkabout?

Cover valid throughout EU and other countries* Cover available for Campers including Vans Cover for periods ranging from 15 days to 1 year No permanent address needed, documents can be emailed Overseas driving licence acceptable *for more detailed information visit

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tntMagazine.com

14/03/2013 15:12:14

TRAVEL

ANZAC DAY JOIN OUR HIGHLY ACCLAIMED ANZAC TOURS

GALLIPOLI TOURS

 3 Day Tour 24-26 APR £199  4 Day Tour 23-26 APR fr£239  5 Day Tour 22-26 APR fr£279  8 Day Tours 20-27 APR or 22-29 APR  15/16 Day Tours 11-26 APR or 22 APR-6 MAY

AS FEATURED ON CHANNEL NINE!

fr£389 fr£589

WESTERN FRONT TOUR

BOOK NOW FOR BEST PRICES! CATEGORY A & A+ BOATS AT UNBEATABLE PRICES!  7 NIGHTS JUN-SEP fr£449

WE SAIL CROATIA’S BEST ISLANDS & ROUTE! ✔ Split ✔ Markaska ✔ Mljet ✔ Dubrovnik ✔ Korcula ✔ Vela Luca ✔ Hvar ✔ Bol ✔ Brac  CAT A+: JUN fr£469 JUL fr£469 AUG fr£499 SEP fr£469  CAT A: JUL fr£469 AUG fr£469 SEP fr£449

WWI French & Belgian Battlefields + Anzac Day Services  Eurostar Tour 24-26 APR £299  Make Own Way 24-26 APR £279

PAMPLONA

CIAO ITALIA CHECK OUT THE BEST ITALY HAS TO OFFER!  7 Days JUN-AUG £299 ✔ Rome ✔ Florence ✔ Cinque Terre ✔ Pisa ✔ Venice ✔ Milan

LA TOMATINA THE WORLD’S BIGGEST FOOD FIGHT!  4 Days Beach Camping 26-29 AUG  4 Days Hostel/3 Days Hotel 26/27-29 AUG  Ibiza + La Tom Combos 24-29 AUG or 26 AUG-1 SEP  Barcelona & Italy Combo tours also available!

£149 fr£179 fr£379

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GREEK ISLANDS

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£989

CRICKET AUSTRALIA TAKES ON ENGLAND, NEW ZEALAND & SRI LANKA IN THE ICC CHAMPIONS TROPHY  AUS v ENG - Birmingham SAT 8 JUN ✔ Return Coach ✔ Match ticket ✔ Merchandise

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14/03/2013 15:12:16

TRAVEL

=6*-)<)*4- 8:1+-; WEEKEND BREAKS AND DAY TOURS

With the African specialists Absolute Africa 30 years overlanding in Africa

WEEKEND BREAKS HOLLAND & BELGIUM from £179

22nd March. Return coach & ferry travel, sightseeing in Amsterdam & Brugge, 2 nights B&B hotel accommodation, visit to Cheese & Clog factory & Tour Manager.

PARIS AT EASTER from £309

29th March. Return Eurostar & transfers, 3 nights B&B hotel accom, guided city sightseeing tour, plenty of free time & Tour Manager.

A whole range of trips incl. game drives in the Masai Mara and the Serengeti, gorilla trekking, guided game walks, rhino trekking, evening game drives and so much more.

ISLE OF WIGHT AT EASTER from £269

www.absoluteafrica.com Phone: 0208 742 0226 Email: absaf@absoluteafrica.com

29th March. Return coach & ferry travel, 3 nights B&B hotel accom, guided sightseeing tour, visit to Needles &Tour Manager.

HOLLAND, GERMANY & BELGIUM AT EASTER from £299

29th March. Return coach and ferry, 3 nights hotel with breakfast in Valkenburg in the Netherlands and visit to Cologne, Amsterdam and Brugge with Tour Manager.

Next Stop?

HOLLAND & BELGIUM from £179

CHEAPEST VACCINATIONS ONLINE VACCINATION SEARCH NO CONSULTATION FEE!

5th April. Return coach & ferry travel, sightseeing in Amsterdam & Brugge, 2 nights B&B hotel accommodation, visit to Cheese & Clog factory & Tour Manager.

DAY TRIPS Sat 23rd March - Brugge by Coach from £49 Fri 29th March - Windsor & Hampton Court from Sat 30th March - Wales from

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tntMagazine.com

14/03/2013 15:12:21

TRAVEL

Camping Sale

Our 3 favourites

The Little Hopper

The Mini Rider

The Expedition

10 Days l 4 countrIES

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Departs 24th Apr

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NOW £393

Contiki Sailing

Europe Tours

TNT_1542_089 89

50%off

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10 days

13 days

22 days

DEPARTS Mar 8

now £769

WAS £1099

14 days

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now £972

WAS £1115

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now £1103

WAS £1225

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now £1210

WAS £1635

Spanish Spree

European Whirl

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14 days

18 days

20 days

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DEPARTS May 6

now £1278

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WAS £1409

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now £1405

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DEPARTS APR 12

WAS now £1493 £1659

13/03/2013 12:31

14/03/2013 15:12:23

TRAVEL

NEW FOR 2013 - ONE-WAY SAIL DEPARTING SPLIT OR ZADAR Includes the party haven of Zcre Beach - one of the most happening places in Dalmatia, attracting top DJ’s from around the world. Enjoy the mix of natural wonders, local food, wine and historic towns. With cheap flights in and out of Zadar this is a great option for those on a budget.

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to both One-Ways sailing days unforgettable 14 rovnik ub t-D pli r-S da Za

ay On e-Wers!

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DEPARTS SPLIT OR ZADAR NEW FOR 2013 (JUL & AUG) 8 DAYS FROM £519 DEPARTS SPLIT OR DUBROVNIK (MAY - OCT) 8 DAYS FROM £449

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Highlights & Inclusions • Anchor up and jump off

the boat into the Adriatic

• Captain the Pirate

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* F F O £163 20% E TO

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LOOKING FOR A TOUR? Overwhelmed by choice?

Check out our Tour Search at tntmagazine.com/toursearch.

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14/03/2013 15:12:26

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And ate too many pies. Bring on the next one! Beanie

a nightmare. No more pissed-up booty calls, I swear! Ashamed in Earl’s Court PIN ME : I like my tea like I like my men, hot and British. I saw you on the Waterloo and City line and I think I ended up stuck virtually inside your armpit in the commuter crush. You smelled great and looked smart in your blue pinstripe.

Look out for me next time, green eyes and blonde hair. Emily FASH FAIL : To my dear older

Things the Queen should do before she dies

#521 Embrace cultural clichés and dress as a leprechaun for St Patrick’s Day

IN YOUR STEP : Apparently an unsettled spring means that the summer is going to rock – cross your fingers, toes and everything and anything else you can think of. I can’t take another British ‘summer’. Shep TRAVEL SHOW TIT : To the SW6 Massive – I am very sorry for the behaviour that £3 mojitos at the TNT Travel Show encouraged.

A particular big sorry goes out to Blondie for putting up with my shenanigans when I got home, and also a big thank you for going out and getting me that pizza. I am

sister, I’ve always admired your super-chic fashion sense, but it’s a shame your common sense doesn’t quite match up to it. If you wear suede shoes out in the rain they will get wrecked. Why are you surprised every single time it happens? Gilly FREE DRINK FRIEND : All TNT readers, I just need a general opinion on something: if you and your mate both like the same guy, and he asks one of you out – in this case me, YAY! – it’s OK to go, right? Especially if he’s hot, works behind a bar and gives you

free drinks. Or is that a bit of a friendship breaker? Suz SNOWED UNDER : To the guy that works right next to Bank station – I saw you tying plastic bags over your leather brogues last week in the snow. Haha, wasn’t a good look with the fancy suit, mate! Paul PRETTY PURPLE KNIT : You had red hair under a white beret and a purple knit dress under all the coolest stuff at the Op Shop.

We stood together at the stop, and on the bus (when it finally arrived).

I gave you my seat to see what you looked like when you smiled and haven’t got it out of my head. Was about to say hi when you got off at the uni. Have I missed out? Mark DRUNK SKUNK : Mac, if you can’t work out a way to handle your piss your social life’s kaput.

I’m sick of looking after you when you stumble, making the bouncers think twice about letting us in and then fall asleep just as the night gets cranking. But yakking on the smoking hot bar girl who was slinging me free shots and possibly more later in the night was the final straw. Buy a car and be the driver dickhead. Mick FROG PRINCE : I’m not the most physically desirable bloke out there, but it seems to me pretty girls like ugly guys – see mismatches all the time. Must be so no one accuses them of being superficial. I’m not complaining about that concept, so if you want a guy to make you seem like a saint, I’m your man. Go on, kiss the frog. From Mr Frog

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MUSKY, LUST-SCENT : If you think you can come back from three weeks in Nepal, smelling like a yak’s scrotum, and enjoy conjugal rites with a sweet-smelling flower such as myself, think again.

Shower. Thoroughly. Then we’ll talk. Sort out that patchy facial hair situation while you’re at it, you look like an Aye-Aye. All my love, Rottita HOW BOUT A SNAG : We were both at the door of the Street Feast fest before opening on Thursday, me in a grey suit, you looking stunning in those boots. You were with friends and a bloke rocked up – I was not sure if this dude was your mate or more, so now I have regrets. Tried to find you all night but you’d disappeared. BBQ sometime? Trent WANNA GILET : To the girl at the TNT Travel Show on the Pillow stand with the dip-dyed hair and Converse kicks – you gave me a leaflet, but I could tell by your eyes you wanted to give me more, like snogs and stuff. I was the tall one in the gilet with the dreamy blue eyes. Zac GETTING BUZZED : I’m no fan of Australians usually, bloody old colonials coming over here, taking up all the pub jobs, but you were undoubtedly the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen in my 22 years. Club De Fromage, dressed as a bee, I bought you a Jäger then your friend puked on my shoes. PJ TELL NO LIE : How can you never have ridden a donkey? You swore, promised on the grave of Eric Cantona (I’m quite sure he’s

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