TNT Magazine / Issue 1545

April 8-14 2013 Issue 1545 tntmagazine.com

WIN!

TICKETS TO PORTUGAL’S SUPER BOCK SUPER ROCK FESTIVAL!

THE BEST OF UDDERBELLY Cracking comedy in the purple cow

SEX, DEATH AND LOVE Musing with Aussie legend Paul Kelly

TNT GOES TO HOLLYWOOD Star-spotting and beach-hopping in LA

U O Y H WIS ?

E R E H E R E W

by the sea s ie it c t s e b o Europe’s t e id u g r u o n with Snag some su ISSUE 1545 / £1.95

+ DOHA: THE NEW DUBAI? TOP TRAIN JOURNEYS MICHAEL LYNAGH: FROM STROKE TO MARATHON

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LAURA CHUBB EDITOR laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER If you’ve never heard of the Udderbelly festival, you might be somewhat surprised to find an upturned purple cow sitting on the South Bank this weekend. Don’t be alarmed. This marks the start of three months of kick-ass live comedy in London, and we at TNT can’t encourage you enough to enter into the cow and discover your new favourite act (P8). It might cheer you up in the midst of our less than lovely springtime. As could a trip to one of Europe’s best cities by the sea (P60). You’re welcome!

THIS WEEK

LONDONDIARY

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LONDONNEWS

6

DRINK & EATS @TNT

14

SPOTTED

17

LONDON SOUND

18

COMPETITION

20

LONDON FOCUS

24

CHATROOM SARAH BLASKO

21

LONDON SCENE

22

SPARE TIME

28

LIFESTYLE

Photos: Getty, Tony Mott, TNT

12+13

30-35

CAREERS

30

LIVING

34

NEWS & SPORT

36-46

TRAVEL

49-67

8

FEATURES UDDERLY FUNNY

8

The Udderbelly comedy fest is back at the South Bank. We pick what to see

AUSSIE LEGEND

Folk rock muso Paul Kelly is in London to perform his 19th album. He talks to TNT

DIARY

50

MARATHON MAN

NEWS

51

UK TRIP

52

Rugby hero Michael Lynagh on running the London Marathon after his stroke

LATE DEALS

54

DO THE LOCOMOTIVE

HOTSHOTS

55

TOP FIVE

56

The world’s best train journeys, from the Trans-Mongolian to Machu Picchu, Peru

TIPS

58

SHORT BREAK

60-62

BIG TRIP

64-67

CLASSIFIEDS

87-89

DESPERATELY SEEKING

90

24

24

GREAT ESCAPES

44

56

60

Snow in April? Get the hell outta here and head for Europe’s best seaside cities

REACH FOR THE STARS

64

Beach-bumming and celeb-stalking in the world’s glammest city, Los Angeles

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Editorial Group editor Carol Driver Editor Laura Chubb Content editors: Sub/ Sport Michael Gadd Travel Helen Elfer Entertainment Alasdair Morton Web Oliver Jones Social media Dan Thorne Contributors Daisy Carrington; Charlotte Maguire

LONDONDIARY

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A curious carnival: expect acrobats and contortionists at the circus party

Design and production Head of design and production Jon Cooke Design / picture editor Patricia Montenegro

Sales Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Sales executive Nichole Davis Sales administrator Abby Nightingale marketing & events Marketing and events executive Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh tnt MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst Publisher TNT Multimedia Limited Distribution Emblem Direct Ltd Printed by Wyndeham Peterborough Limited News AAP SAPA NZPA Pictures Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 111 Cannon Street, London, EC4N 5AR tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com sales enquiries

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Shhh... SECRET LONDON BELLE EPOQUE CIRCUS PARTY SHOREDITCH

Fancy a night out with a difference? The Belle Epoque Circus Party takes London’s niche nightlife’s propensity towards the vintage even further back in time to a sort of debauched 19th-century Paris. The weird and wonderful world of the circus will take centre stage at Village Underground in Shoreditch, where European acrobats cavort above your head and the world famous Falzinni Twins will be contorting on the stage while you abandon yourself and your mind to a carnival of curiosities. Sounds pretty awesome to us. £20

April 13, 8pm-2am Old Street EC2A 3PQ

belleepoqueparty.com

Subscriptions and Distribution Caroline Penn 01603 559004 All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

alexei sayle

huguenots of spitalfields fest

doctors, DISSECTION...

One of the stand-ups responsible for the alternative comedy we now take as the mainstream, Sayle is a genius megastar.

He’s been off the stage for 16 years, though, which just makes this run of gigs (which ends this week) even more important to anyone who knows/likes/cares about comedy.

This two-week long festival in the East End looks at the influence of the French Huguenots, 16th-century religious refugees, on English and London culture. There are all manner of walks, talks, tours, exhibitions, and special events planned, including an introductory launch talk in Folgate Street’s Water Poet pub.

... And Resurrection Men, this fantastic exhibition at the Museum of London (a must-see in the Big Smoke) illustrates the link between the early 19th century’s bodysnatchers and the inquisitive surgeons they supplied. It’s grim, gory and shows how without this under-the-table trade, today’s medicine would be very different.

Until April 13, 7.30pm Soho Theatre, W1D 3NE Tott Crt Rd sohotheatre.com

April 8-21, times vary Venues vary Liverpool Street huguenotsofspitalfields.org

Until April 14, 10am-6pm daily EC2Y 5HN Barbican museumoflondon.org.uk

£12.50+

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Olympic ogle: see athletes’ cossies

Represent your country

OPENING THE OLYMPICS Museum of London

Awesome tours Seventy objects and stories from last year’s outstanding Games comprise this new London-2012-honouring exhibition. Tom Daley has made a splash by donating a pair of his Team GB trunks, one of Bradley Wiggins’ yellow jerseys will be taking pride of place, alongside all manner of personal memories and recollections – from gamesmakers and athletes – about what the Greatest Show On Earth meant to them.

FREE

Until Oct 31, 10am-6pm daily 150 London Wall, EC2Y 5HN

museumoflondon.org.uk

CABARET VOLTAIRE

JAMBALAYA NEW ORLEANS POP-UP

This tiny little venue under the Aldwych combines 30s Berlin with trashy New York, and has free shows every night of the week. This evening, it’s the Cabaret Voltaire team’s turn, with Sarah Louise Young previewing her brand new show, which she’ll be taking to the Edinburgh Fringe later this year. Catch it here first!

This two-week pop-up will be capturing the Louisiana vibe.

The Jam Tree’s executive chef James Browne is cooking up Creole dishes and there’ll be cocktails such as the Hurricane and Sauzerac to quench your palette in the way you’d expect from the birthplace of Southern Comfort. Plus there’s live jazz and funk.

April 10, 9pm-1am Cellar Door, WC2E 7DN Temple cellardoor.biz

April 16-28, times vary Clapham Common SW4 0JT thejamtree.com

FREE

Photos: David Parry

Barbican

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Weekend festivals

Weekly after match socials

TBC

05/04/2013 17:20:02

LONDONNEWS CREEPY CRAWLIES HALT PARK PLAN

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Sales: Aussies ‘love a bargain’

Plans for a £2bn theme park double the size of the Olympic Park have been put on hold due to a colony of rare spiders.

The Paramount development, to be built on an 872-acre brownfield site on the outskirts of south-east London, will be the third-biggest in the world, rivalling Disneyland Paris.

However, environmental checks have found it’s home to jumping spiders on the priority species list.

Bosses at developers London Resort Company Holdings will now have to find a new home for the spiders. The park was due to be up and running in 2019.

I feel very nervous. She seems to be very good London mayor Boris Johnson admits to feeling shaky after agreeing to go head-to-head with Pippa Middleton in a ping-pong challenge

TWEETS PRESERVED FOR NEXT GENERATION Billions of tweets, Facebook updates, web pages and blogs are to be preserved by libraries.

The massive archive project, which kicked off on Saturday, will also cover ebooks and iPad editions of newspapers.

It aims to preserve a digital record of events and debates within modern Britain.

Ben Sanderson, from London’s British Library, said: “It will be impossible to tell for instance the story of the 2015 election without accessing what appears online.”

ON THE TUBE THIS WEEK’S CLOSURES

DISTRICT: No service between Turnham Green and Ealing Broadway all weekend.

Piccadilly line trains call additionally at Turnham Green

NORTHERN: No service between Camden Town and Charing Cross all weekend

PICCADILLY: No service between

Acton Town and Uxbridge all weekend.

Replacement buses between Acton Town and Rayners Lane for Metropolitan line connections.

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Aussies forking out £260m a year on UK retail therapy Australians have been named the fourth biggest spenders in the UK, forking out more than £260m a year on retail therapy, a new study reveals.

The nation is hot on the heels of the Germans, the French and the Americans – who forked out a whopping £460m while visiting the UK in 2011, helping to boost our ailing economy. However, it’s the Aussies leading the world for “propensity” to purchase clothes and products during their trip, with 76 per cent saying it was part of their reason for visiting the UK. On average, Australians spend more than £230 each on goods.

And the statistics, released by tourism body VisitBritain, show the destination

of choice for keen shoppers is London.

Spokesman David Leslie said the increase was due to the strong Australian dollar.

“People from Australia are really positive about the value of places like London at the moment compared with somewhere like Paris, they just love a bargain,” he told The Australian.

“The high dollar has certainly helped lift them to fourth total shopping spend nation here, they realise they are paying too much back home for really good value goods including designer labels.”

He added shopping gender was now split 60:40, with Aussie men now almost as likely to fly to London for retail therapy.

Looking sharp, gents.

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

What do lost rivers, ghost stations, government bunkers, secret tunnels and sewer pigs all have in common? They’re all under our feet as we pound the pavements in London, apparently.

Lifting the lid on the colourful folklore of underground London, Antony Clayton, author of Subterranean City: Beneath The Streets Of London, pictured right, will be giving a free talk as part of the capital-wide Cityread 2013, encouraging more people to visit their local library.

Clayton said: “Such events help to bring the local community into their libraries to discover the riches within.”

The miss-it-miss-out talk will be taking place at Kensington Central Library on April 11 at 6.30pm.

Photos: Getty

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Hey, big spenders!

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Udderly hilarious: comedy shows take place inside the cow

Belly laughs This week, the upside-down purple cow returns to the South Bank.

Udderbelly festival is back with a bang Words LAURA CHUBB & ALASDAIR MORTON “I try and do routines that no one else is doing,” says stand-up Tony Law, perhaps unnecessarily, seeing as famous ‘bits’ of his include dressing in a black leotard and hollering “Gok Wan!” at a befuddled audience. “The problem is, it’s not always super-funny to everyone,” he laughs.

Law is just one of a gaggle of vergeof-superstardom comedians who’ll be laughing it up in London when the Udderbelly festival launches on Friday. Now in its fifth year, Udderbelly comprises three months of comedy shows set inside a purpose-built, upsidedown purple cow (obviously), exported from the influential Edinburgh Fringe Festival to the South Bank.

Fest co-director Ed Bartlam tells TNT the beauty of Udderbelly is that low ticket prices (they average around £14) encourage people to take a punt on acts they haven’t seen before, and also make it possible for folks to come along to more than one show over the cow’s April to July residency.

So while there are plenty of big names lined up to enter the udders – The Boy With Tape On His Face will be appearing for a three-week run, 8

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and Father Ted’s Ardal O’ Hanlon takes the stage for two nights – you can also check out a raft of new talent.

Calling Law a “new talent” wouldn’t be quite accurate, however, as he’s been in the business for more than a decade.

But his left-field comedy – which often includes having to explain his jokes to a nonplussed crowd – has generated huge buzz more recently, and many predict his Maximum Nonsense show at Udderbelly will really see him take off.

“It is a hard sell,” Law admits of his act, which over the years has seen him dabble with costumes including English-explorer-meets-peasant-farmer and an 18th-century Olympian crossed with a Viking. And yet despite this unapologetic oddity – Law also yells his ‘jokes’ at the audience – there’s a real sweetness about the bushy-bearded Canadian. “There’ll be lots of shouting and movement and bollocks and madness,” he promises, “[but] hopefully with a lovely heart underneath it all.”

Another unique up-and-comer headed for Udderbelly is Doc Brown, real name Ben Smith (brother of renowned author Zadie). He turned a failed bid for rap superstardom (Smith

was in a band with Mark Ronson, but got dropped just before the superproducer hit the big time) into a much-lauded comedy show, Unfamous, which also went down a storm at the Melbourne International Festival in 2011.

What’s different about Smith’s act is that he raps his routines, riffing on everything from hip hop culture to how to make a proper cup of tea. He admits that Unfamous was cathartic – “[standup] is a way of getting stuff off your chest” – but says his new show is “10 times better”, adding the key to his success is proving rap can be clever.“I’m taking the piss [out of hip hop culture], but don’t take the piss out of how I rap,” Smith warns us. “I don’t think there’s many rappers who can touch me.”

The buck doesn’t stop with these two dudes, though. Check out more top picks over the page.

BEST OF UDDERBELLY ›› Udderbelly. April 12-July 14. £10+ Jubilee Gardens, off Belvedere Road, SE1 8XX Waterloo underbelly.co.uk Tony Law’s Maximum Nonsense is on April 20 & 27. 7.45pm. £12.50. Doc Brown is on April 26 & May 3. 9pm. £15.50.

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05/04/2013 14:21:52

Viking Olympian: Tony Law is a little “left-field”

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Bring it on: Tony Law on stage is shouty, but sweet tntMagazine.com

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michael winslow: noizeyman april to may

carl donnelly: different gravy may

Winslow was Sergeant Motor Mouth Jones in the Police Academy movies, stunning the shit out of crime – and Steve Guttenberg – with the 10,000 sounds he could conjure using just his voice.

An Udderbelly and Ed Fringe regular, if you haven’t seen him yet, you should have!

When this young London standup started out, he looked a little like a Seventies Californian coke dealer – YouTube his performance on Russell Howard’s Good News. He’s since worked the comedy scene across the land, popped up all over TV, got a regular nonsensetalking podcast with mate Chris Martin (not that one) and found himself a hipster haircut. Ace comedy and a total star in the making. £15.50

£17.50

Apr 30-May 3, 7pm; May 4, 6pm michaelwinslow.net

the boy with tape on his face: more tape june to july After his ace Xmas run in the West End, New Zealand’s favourite son and the finest man ever to take to the stage to perform with gaffer tape over his gob brings his utterly unmissable More Tape show to the South Bank. The Boy, aka Sam Wills, is an audience-involving superstar and his show is hilarious – but be warned, you may wind up on stage! £15.50

May 2, 9pm carldonnelly.co.uk

Jun 25-30; Jul 2-7; Jul 9-14. Times vary theboywithtapeonhisface.com

vikki stone june

robin ince july

The Soho Theatre award-winning musical comedian and actress pops in for a single night of gags and songs.

Aussie loudmouth turned philosopher – and TNT fave – Burns (pictured above) was diagnosed with partial hearing and so turns his acerbic wit on disability, its portrayal and our misjudged hang-ups about it all. He’ll also look at why he is still, to some ill-informed folks, a “painfully anonymous figure on the UK comedy scene”.

Not for much longer.

Science and comedy make fab bedfellows in hystericalfunnyman-who-also-likesscience Rob Ince’s new show (his last was titled Happiness Through Science, and brought audiences exactly that). Here he looks at his favourite scientists Charles Darwin (who killed god, essentially) and Richard Feynman (who “dabbled” – our word not his – in quantum mechanics that may or may not have helped Dr Sam Beckett time-travel within his own lifespan). So you’ll learn about the world and how it works, such as: why heavy metal music will make pigs deaf, spaghetti will snap into four and bald dogs have bad breath. And you’ll realise the stuff they taught in school was actually pretty interesting after all.

No, really!

Jun 4, 7pm brendonburnscomedian.com

Jul 6, 7.45pm robinince.com

£12.50

Jun 19, 9pm vikkistone.com

brendon burns: hasn’t heard of you either june £15.50

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£15.50

scott capurro: islamahomophobia july What exactly does it mean to be offended? Too many people claim to be this on a daily basis. There are those that say San Francisco-based American Capurro’s comedy is abrasive, an assault, and purely provocative. It is all of these but you’ll only find it ‘offensive’ if you’re a halfwitted fucktard. £12.50

howard marks may and june

One of the loudest stand-ups out there, Helm, the self proclaimed “human car crash of light entertainment” is a one-man barrage of nutkicking gags and hilarity.

Howard Marks (above), aka Mr Nice, was once described by The Daily Mail as “the most sophisticated drugs baron of all time”. While dealing with the IRA and dodging MI6 (most of the time), the former prep school boy was once the most prominent importer of cannabis to the UK, had houses across the world, and a glamorous jet set lifestyle. Then he got caught. It was his power to be mates with anyone that enabled him to be as successful as he was and, as anyone who’s read his best-selling memoir knows, hearing him wax lyrical about his life and adventures is eye-opening.

May 11, 7.45pm nickhelm.co.uk

May 29 & Jun 12, 9pm howardmarks.name

Jul 5, 9pm scottcapurro.com

nick helm: One man mega-myth may £15.50

£17.50

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05/04/2013 14:22:13

richard herring july

andrew maxwell: that’s the spirit may £15.50 One of our faves here at TNT Towers, we’re lamenting the fact that cheeky chappy Maxwell (below) and his sharply observed take on the world is only on for one night (we’re sure he has his reasons, so we’ll let him off). Makes this one of the festival’s highlights, though.

Must get in there early to avoid missing out.

May 31, 9pm andrewmaxwellcomedian.com

Herring (below) has been out on the road with his retooled Talking Cock show, a male riposte to The Vagina Monolgues. But here, he’s working on a new show, so you’ll be the first to see his new material. Variously touted as one of the UK’s most prolific comedians, a podcast legend (download Richard Herring’s Leicester Square Theatre Podcast and try it on for size on the way to work, you’ll see) and was once even proclaimed the ‘King of Edinburgh’ for his standout stand-up at the Fringe. One of the finest. £15.50

ardal o’hanlon july To most people he is either the dim-witted priest Dougal from the forever classic Father Ted or the lead superhero with issues George Sunday in the ahead-ofits-time My Hero. He is also a totally ace stand-up, if one it’s hard to find on stage, which makes this pair of London shows unmissable. The topic for this show? ‘Life Itself’.

So expect his observational skills to roam far and wide. £17.50

Jul 3, 9pm richardherring.com

Jul 12, 9pm & Jul 13, 7.45pm underbelly.co.uk

abandoman: the life and rhymes of abandoman may and june Hip-hop comedy improv – not a usual recipe for success, but Irishman Rob Broderick has made it exactly that. He’s toured relentlessly – recently hitting the road with Ed Sheeran where he wowed across two nights at Brixton Academy – and played to no fewer than 10,000 St Paddy’s Day party-goers at Trafalgar Square. In short, the man has generally been rocking the house each and every night that he plays. He also won the Best Newcomer gong at last year’s Adelaide Fringe.

Not as if you needed any more convincing, but he also does requests! So go along and find out what all the fuss is about.

Photos: Getty; Idil Sukan Draw

£15.50

May 17 & Jun 7, 9pm robbroderick.com

stephEn k amos: is the spokesman june The London funnyman has just completed a sell-out tour of Australia and New Zealand and returns to his hometown for his first show in the capital for more than two years. He’s a master performer, his wry observational humour pin-point sharp. And this is his only show of the year in London, too, so don’t miss. £15.50

al murray: the pub landlord’s southbank saloon july

Munnery’s show is created and performed live on screen featuring sketches, music, comedy and wild-flowing creativity in abundance.

The Pub Landlord is a divisive figure in the comedy world – a character creation espousing ‘British empire’ pub philosophies, his satire is shrewd and sharp, but do the laughs come from the people it satirises or the gags themselves? Despite this debate (we sit on the former), he’s always hilarious, and his new saloon comes into town for three nights only here on the South Bank. So get the beers in (or glass of white wine for the lady) and enjoy not just Murray and his views on the French (you can guess), but also his host of special guest variety acts that will be joining him on the stage, drawn from the worlds of comedy, cabaret and music.

Jun 8, 7.45pm simonmunnery.com

Jul 6, 13 & 20, 9.15pm thepublandlord.com

Jun 21, 9pm stephenkamos.com

simon munnery: fylm-makker june £12.50

£25.50

andy zaltzman: political animal April to july This monthly show at the big upturned purple cow is led by the crazy-haired Zaltzman as he, and usually some accomplices, look through the hyprocrisy and downright unbalanced world that we live in. It’s putting the world to rights, with laughs, intelligence and integrity, and will quite probably make you want to get up out of your chair and affect some change. £15.50

Apr 25, Jun 13, Jul 11, 9pm andyzaltzman.co.uk

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LONDONDRINKS

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On a high: Oxo Tower

BAR

Venturing up the Oxo Tower is something you have to do before leaving London. Granted, the venue – there are also two restaurants up here – is usually stuffed with bar-tourists, but the view from this eighth-floor watering hole on a summer’s evening is spectacular. I meet my friend here early on a Saturday night and it’s heaving. Awkwardly, there are stools packed around the bar, making it difficult to get served or pick up a drink without knocking into or spilling booze on to the person sitting there. We loiter near the seating area – unfortunately, it’s also a runway for diners and staff to and from one of the restaurants, so we’re always in the way. However, as twilight covers the city, with St Paul’s and Tower Bridge in the background, it’s a stunning sight from the huge glass windows.

THE GRUB Nibble on top tasty bar snacks such as crispy octopus, spiced lamb skewers, a charcuterie sharing board or vegetable dumplings.

THE SCENE

Choose from a vast selection of booze from this 19-page menu specialising in cocktails, champagne and fine spirits. My Southbank, made with gin, pink grapefruit vodka, lychee liqueur and grapefruit juice, hits the spot.

BILL PLEASE Bubbly from £14 a glass; cocktails from £12.50; beer from £4.95 a pint.

VERDICT Worthwhile to tick another ‘must-do’ off the list – even if it’s just for the jaw-droppingly impressive view across the capital. CAROL DRIVER BEHIND THE BAR

8th Floor, Barge House St, SE1 9PH

3 OF THE BEST SPORTS BARS

harveynichols.com/oxo-tower-london

Southwark

THE SPORTS CAFE

JETLAG BAR

FAMOUS 3 KINGS

This huge Haymarket venue has four bars over two floors and shows an impressive range of sports on more than 40 screens, with the likes of chicken wings, ribs and nachos on hand to keep your energy levels up.

Settle into one of the sofas at Fitzrovia’s Jetlag and order in some Aussie and Kiwi beers (Little Creatures; Steinlager Pure) or a few internationally themed cocktails (see the Scot-themed Big Yin) to enjoy with daily sport screenings.

‘Famous’ for its electric atmosphere on a big match day, this Fulham staple has more than 71,000 channels to keep you entertained, showing everything from rugby and cricket to NFL and ice hockey.

thesportscafe.com

jetlagbar.com

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BITE SIZE

Arabian nights: inside Gallipoli Again

CARNIVAL COCKTAILS Bizarre bar gimmick of the week: Drake & Morgan pubs are launching a new fairground-inspired cocktail menu on April 17, for no reason that we are able to discern. Drinks include the Goldfish In A Bag, which comes with a pink grapefruit fish and edible lily pads, and the Popping Corn, blended with kiwi, prosecco and popping candy. Not quite odd enough for your taste? Then order up the Rub-A-Dub-Shrub, served in a miniature bath, complete with rubber duckie. Drake & Morgan has venues in east and south London – see the website for more. Drinks from £6.95.

Random factor: priceless. drakeandmorgan.co.uk

Gallipoli Again TURKISH & LEBANESE

Love coffee? Don’t miss the bean fest

miss good coffee?

Date for the diary: the London Coffee Festival comes to town on April 2528, providing a reprieve from shitty British coffee with gourmet samples, demonstrations from world-class baristas, masterclasses in making and brewing beans at home, and the chance to try one-off signature drinks in pop-up coffee shop the True Artisan Cafe. Tickets from £9.50. londoncoffeefestival.com

Photos: Thinkstock

chicken party Have yourself a sinful Sunday this weekend and pop along to Death

By Burrito in Dalston, which is being taken over by LA chef Dante and his legendary fried chicken. This being east London, there’s also an after party in honour of the one-off fastfood residency. Chicken sittings are at 12pm, 3pm and 6pm, and £20 gets you three courses and entry to the shindig, which kicks off at 8.30pm.

This Upper Street institution is so popular that three branches of Gallipoli have opened within yards of one another on Islington’s premier gastrotastic strip. Gallipoli Bistro, Bazaar and Again all put their own twist on the Arabian theme and provide plenty of alternatives should the wait for a table at any of the sisters’ restaurants be unpalatably long. Gallipoli Again is the northernmost of the restaurants and perhaps the biggest. Greeted by a profusion of ornate brass light fittings dangling around the bar, and the happy din of chattering diners, it’s apparent that this isn’t a starched table cloths joint.

The grub The expanse of starters might be a tad daunting for someone unfamiliar with Turkish and Lebanese cuisine, but the alarmingly friendly staff are more than happy to guide you to something fitting. In the spirit of journalistic thoroughness, we opt for the full meze, a starter comprising eight individual dishes. Of particular note are the lamb guvec and kofte, which all but sing in the mouth, such is the complexity of their flavours. Our mains then arrive looking just as bountiful. The lamb in my shish is cooked perfectly: the outside of the meat is flame-seared and spicy, while the inside is melt-on-sight tender. My dining companions’ meat musakka and 102 Upper Street Special, a multi-meat masterpiece, disappear with the unerring speed that only great food and a relaxed atmosphere can generate.

And while you’d expect great kebabs, the full sea bream also proves a highlight.

THE SCENE

The wine list is a paragon of unpretentiousness with the most expensive bottle on the list just £24. The generally new world offerings are mostly around £18. The £17.96 Malbec is a must if you’re having lamb.

Bill please Starters from £3.25, mains from £9.25. Four can eat with wine for comfortably less than £25 per head. verdict How good would you imagine a restaurant in need of three sites within 300 yards to satisfy demand is? Yeah, it’s that good. OLI JONES Behind the bar

deathbyburrito.com 102 Upper Street, N1 1QP

cafegallipoli.com

Angel

Highbury and Islington

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Dubai: double standards?

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so, The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club

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I can’t help being lazy, YOU KNOW? It JUST walks in the family

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OH NO, I HEARD THE MAN WHO INVENTED VELCRO HAS DIED. RIP

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rang Seaworld. I had to say “Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!” They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises

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horse meat burgers i think it’s equestrian of taste, really

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Greek govt is in such trouble they’ve halted production of hummus & taramasalata. it’s a double-dip recession

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Seven months and 10 days I’ve been waiting on UKBA. I’ve spoken to them twice and received much of the same pointless information – “I’m sorry sir, your application has not been completed yet.” No shit, that’s why I’m calling. I’ve written two letters but I’m not holding my breath that any of the morons in the UKBA office can actually read. That may explain the delay. There’s plenty of people that I’m sure would be interested in a petition/ possible rally?

Trevor Sinclair, via Facebook

PLANE SPEAKING

Re: Samoan airline to introduce fat passenger tax (tntmagazine.com): I don’t blame them. I got stuck with a heavyweight in the middle on a long-haul flight – she couldn’t even open her table. Since then I forgo window seats in favour of aisle seats.

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NOT COOL, FOOL

To that dick they call PJ in the Desperately Seeking section of TNT last week, I hope your girlfriend finds out you’ve been cheating on her because you are an absolute twat! No one deserves to be treated like that!!

Kristina, via email

VEG IN VOGUE

Re: Best of the veg (TNT 1544): Thanks for bigging up veggie food, TNT! I am always arguing with ignorant colleagues about how you don’t need meat to make a meal. All of the places you list look amazing. So good, in fact, that I’m going to trick my boyfriend into going to one and will see how long it takes him to notice there’s no dead animal on his plate. Wish me luck!

Shelly, via email

IS DOHA THE NEW DUBAI? /30 LOS ANGELES /64

Re: New air route through Dubai unsafe for Aussies (TNT 1544): I used to live in Dubai and it’s such a weird place, full of double standards. They don’t want westerners pissed in the streets, but ply them with alcohol at all-day, all-you-candrink brunches. At the end of the day, though, the law is the law, so it’s you that’s in trouble if you break it. I’d advise Aussies to be very careful out there!

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Tweet us @tntmagazine @Yuliya_K_BG “To think you can put down roots in the UK without knowing how to make a cup of tea is ludicrous” :D @SalCardiff Anyone who sticks a bag in hot water in a mug should be deported at once :) @MissNaomiB Very nearly april fooled - doh! “Vital tasks added to British Citizenship Test: making a good cuppa”

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Mike Smith: Re: Julian Assange to run for Senate: This guy is an Aussie embarrassment. Just loves himself Mandy Reeve: Re: Samoan airline to charge passengers by weight: Interesting considering how high obesity rates are in Samoa Kel Griff: Re: London’s best veggie restaurants: Great list! Had no idea there were so many top veg restaurants in London

Photos: Thinkstock

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after work perks Belushi’s, London Bridge Tuesday, April 2, 2013 Photos by: David Salas/ TNT More pics and tag yourself at facebook.com/tntmag

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LONDONSOUND

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Unplugged: the Brit rock heroes will play a rare acoustic show

festival

watch

festival no.6

skunk anansie: unplugged Cadogan Hall, SW1X 9DQ mon, apr 15 | Doors at 7.30pm | £27.50

This wonderful little festival on the Welsh west coast won the Best New Fest title at the UK Festival Awards after last year’s inaugural event. This year sees Welshies Manic Street Preachers come out of their self-enforced hiatus to headline.

Also confirmed for 2013 are James Blake, Everything Everything, Aluna George, Laura Mvula and our fave Sydneysiders Jagwar Ma, plus loads more art, theatre and culture to keep you well entertained.

Portmeirion, Wales, LL48 6ER. Sep 13-15. £170+ festivalnumber6.com Bangor

Skunk Anansie have sold five million albums; they headlined Glastonbury back in the Nineties; and they have loads of songs with brackets in their title, four on sophomore LP Stoosh alone. After hitting the comeback trail four years ago, they drop in to this prestigious venue for a very special unplugged performance.

Skunk Anansie formed back in 1994, then a rock band that fused their hardedged metal tendencies with pop harmonies and singer Skin’s spiky, attitudesoaked stage presence. They started out riding high in the early Nineties ‘Britrock’ scene – a collective that included the likes of The Wildhearts and Terrorvision – as Blur and co. stormed the charts under the ‘Britpop’ banner. First album Paranoid And Sunburnt spawned a collection of chart hits that saw them quickly rise through the ranks, Charity especially, culminating in their prestigious Pyramid Stage headlining show at Glastonbury 1999, where they closed out the whole fest.

Stoosh (1996) and Post Orgasmic Chill (1999) showed a move towards balladry, before they went their separate ways after Glasto in 1999 – Skin going solo and drummer Mark Richardson joining Brit rockers Feeder. They reconvened in 2009, however, followed by 2010’s Wanderlustre and March’s fifth album Black Traffic heralding a triumphant return to form as well as a slew of ace singles such as lead I Believed In You, a storming Skunk classic, and latest This Is Not A Game. At the end of a sold out European tour they turn into the stunning Cadogan Hall here for this unplugged show. A chance to see a side of a band not often revealed.

Sloane Square

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05/04/2013 12:31:51

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NEW BAND

the fratellis GIG thur, apr 11. 7.30pm £20

The Glasgow rockers found themselves inadvertently writing a theme tune for the terraces at Chelsea’s Stamford Bridge with their 2006 chart smash Chelsea Dagger. They took some time off but are back now armed with a TBC-d third album, a new tour, and plenty of glam-tinged indie rock rebellion.

Photos: Stuart Weston; Getty; Chris Lopez

Electric Ballrooom 184 Camden High St, NW1 8QP Camden Town electricballroom.co.uk

the dented melons secret party

exit records’ 10th anniversary party

CLUB

CLUB

sun, apr 14. 2pm £10+

fri, april 12. 10pm-6am £16+

This daytime party – the first of a monthly series – is set to keep the tunes banging all day long.

But to find out who‘s playing you need to be there as they won’t be announcing the line-up beforehand. It’ll have an international headliner (Guide Schneider was at the last DM bash), as well as top homegrown talent. Bring it on!

Bass Laced present this 10-year anniversary party for the critically lauded drum ‘n’ bass label with a host of star talent in attendance. The lineup includes Bad Company’s dBridge, Maldini and Vegas, as well as Calibre, Breakage, Marcus Intalex, Fabio, Doc Scott and a whole host more honouring Exit’s influence.

Dukes 18-22 Houndsditch, EC3 7LP Liverpool Street residentadvisor.net

Fire South Lambeth Road, SW8 1UQ Vauxhall residentadvisor.com

wheatus

heroes

suuns

GIG

CLUB

GIG

fri, apr 12. 2.30pm & 7.30pm £12

fri, april 12. 10pm-6am £13+

sun, apr 14. 7.30pm £11.50

The teenage dirtbags had a hit with, err, Teenage Dirtbag, and their cover of Erasure’s A Little Respect, but have been labouring under the radar since. They play this iconic little venue round the back of Tottenham Court Road, twice in one day, and are sure to roll out the hits, and tracks from their forthcoming Valentine LP.

Egg brings together the most forward thinking – and looking – artists from the worlds of fashion and music for this regular and highly stylish bash. This time round Dutch house and techno star 2000 And One (aka Dylan Hermelijn), Gabriel Ananda (live), Tube & Berger, Jojo De Freq and Jay Tempest line up in room one.

This experimental, noisy post-rock outfit, prone to epically long ‘extended pieces’, are one of the many great bands to have come out of the ace Canadian alt-rock scene – see Arcade Fire; Crystal Castles. They’ll be playing tunes from their debut album, 2010’s Zeroes QC, as well as this year’s follow up, Images Du Futur.

The Borderline Manette St, W1D 4JB Tottenham Court Road theborderline.co.uk

Egg 200 York Way, King’s Cross, N7 9AX King’s Cross egglondon.net

XOYO 32-37 Cowper St, EC2A 4AP Liverpool Street xoyo.co.uk

moya The buzz so far Popstress Moya takes a turn away from the pianopop with synth-laden electrostomping new single A Little More Love. “I wanted to incorporate the kind of music I listen to,” the 21-year-old says of her new direction. Playlisted by Radio 2, and praised by Fearne Cotton and Chris Evans, its tale of a relationship affected by fame is bittersweet and heartfelt and teeters on the cusp of dance rhythms before turning back to indie-fied pop. Think Imogen Heap and Ellie Goulding.

The Critics say “A new talent to watch” Star-magazine.co.uk the plug A Little More Love out April 14. Plays Hammersmith Apollo (supporting Mick Hucknall). Apr 28. £39+ W6 9QH Hammersmith moyamusic.com

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3 PAIRS OF TICKETS TO SUPER BOCK SUPER ROCK IN PORTUGAL TNT and Super Bock Super Rock have teamed up to give three lucky readers a pair of three-day tickets (including camping) to the Portuguese music fest on July 18-20.

Boasting an incredible line-up that includes Arctic Monkeys, The Killers, Queens Of The Stone Age, Kaiser Chiefs and Azealia Banks, Super Bock Super Rock is becoming one of the most attractive festival destinations in Europe.

The event takes place in Meco, by some of the most beautiful beaches in Portugal, and is just a 20-minute train ride from Lisbon city centre.

An amazing line-up, affordable ticket prices (ÂŁ77 for a three-day ticket

with four nights of camping), great weather and the opportunity to make a beach holiday or a city break out of the festival experience, ensure that Super Bock Super Rock is one of the strongest contenders on the European festival circuit.

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05/04/2013 12:06:36

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Sarah Blasko

The Sydney-born singer-songwriter on new album I Awake, confounding orchestral expectations and striving to challenge herself

INTERVIEW alasdair morton

Your new album I Awake was recorded with the Bulgarian Symphony Orchestra – what inspired that decision?

I have Bulgarian heritage on my dad’s side of my family, and when I read about the orchestra a few years ago, it struck a chord with me.

Do people have preconceived notions about what an orchestra-backed album might be?

Yes, people might think of something that is a little tame or quite placid. But I wanted to create a sound that was full of life and drama that would tumble people about.

What influenced the decision to record the album in Stockholm?

I wanted to go back and build on what I’d done with the last record [2010’s indie rock supergroup LP Seeker Lover Keeper which Blasko formed with Holly Throsby and Sally Seltmann]. To follow on from it and to solidify the relationship I had with drummer Fredrik Rundqvist and engineer Lasse Marten, primarily.

What is it about the city that appeals and inspires you so much?

When I’m in Stockholm, it always makes me want to do bold things and to be genuine in what I do. That’s what I hear in the pop music I respect that’s around me when I’m there.

Photos: Blue Murder Studios

How would you describe the new album in comparison with your previous work?

It’s more confident, richer and fuller in sound quality. And it’s probably more honest and unapologetic, too.

You’ve performed with different orchestras in key cities in Australia – how did this different collection of musicians affect the performances?

It kept us all on our toes as a band – and it did mean that there was always a slightly different take on the songs each night.

The album was performed at Sydney Opera House and streamed live online – what about social media appeals to you as a way to reach your fans?

I love the immediacy of it in the same way

Challenging: Blasko’s latest album has a Swedish influence that I enjoy playing for people in a live setting.

This was just an extension of that, really. The immediate contact is nice. It’s very exciting and it increases the feeling of anticipation in the performance.

You created the music for Sydney Dance Company’s Emergence earlier this year.

What was most challenging about this quite unique collaboration?

I found looking outside of the song structure was tough for me. And it was a challenge to try and say something with just a few words.

There were few lyrics involved – how did that way of working affect you as a singer?

It meant using my voice as textures and characters to create a feeling and mood rather than saying something in the traditional sense.

I would love to. It would be a huge challenge, but it’s something I’d like to do at least once.

All your albums are unmistakably ‘Blasko’ yet remarkably different from each other – do you purposefully seek out new sounds and approaches or do new influences find you?

You’ve got to make it interesting for yourself, so, yes, you seek that out. You’ve got to do some searching. But there are some things that track you down as well. It can be like fate sometimes, like magic. It’s wonderful to be both the detective and the innocent bystander.

What do you look forward to most about performing in the UK? The Barbican’s somewhere I’ve wanted to play for some time, so I feel lucky to be there now.

What is your best memory about playing in London?

You also provided the soundtrack for Probably the chaos of my first time at The a stage production of Hamlet in 2008 Water Rats in King’s Cross. It just felt so new – do you have any desires to take to the and exciting to be playing over here. stage yourself?

I actually think I would love the challenge.

Sarah Blasko plays The Barbican, Apr 11. £12.50 Who knows? I do love the power of the stage.

Would you ever consider scoring a film?

EC2Y 8DS Barbican barbican.org.uk I Awake is out Apr 8 through Dramatico Entertainment

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LONDONSCENE

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You’re nicked: yet another London gangster movie

all things to all men FILM review by Alasdair Morton Starring: Rufus Sewell, Toby Stephens, Gabriel Byrne | 15 | 84mins

oblivion FILM Starring: Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Olga Kurylenko | 12A | 125mins

Sixty years after a war that decimated the world, mankind’s been evacuated with Tom Cruise part of earth’s ‘mopup crew’. Only Cruister finds Morgan Freeman’s Colonel Kurtz-looking fella lurking around among the critters and darkness. This sci-fi spectacle from director Joseph ‘Tron Legacy’ Kosinski has echoes of Will Smith’s I Am Legend.

Will be either mega-big or mega-flop.

On general release April 12

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The Gherkin; the London Eye; Tower Bridge; Marble Arch; London’s red buses and black cabs – from the opening shot of the city’s skyline, first time writer-director George Isaac (Kidulthood producer) makes sure you know where his crime thriller is set, and it’s an ambitious debut, if one that borrows a little much from its influences.

In Isaac’s hands, London’s a sexy, photogenic city, the iconic streets and buildings given a shiny, glassy sheen that shows the capital in a light not often seen. For his debut Isaac signed up a raft of top drawer Brit talent, too. Gabriel Byrne is on reliably good form as the ‘merchant’ of the city, the head crime bod, with whom Rufus Sewell’s crooked copper Parker becomes entangled as a web of double crosses, bank robberies, and power games play out.

It’s a film about corruption, and the necessary decisions to make it to the top – whether this be in the world of crime or law enforcement. Isaac’s clearly in love with crime flicks about the game between those on both sides of the law and the morals that define them – movies such as Michael Mann’s Heat (from which Isaac cheekily pilfers the odd dialogue influence) and Scorsese’s The Departed even, but with a more modest budget. Despite this, Isaac gets it all on the screen, also throwing in a daring bank raid and a car chase through the Big Smoke’s narrow streets.

But in his desire to hit the requisite plot points, he sacrifices depth and backstory (why’s Parker such a bastard?) and his direction’s often a little flat. But the final reel’s wrap-up is smart and sharp. Not a classic, but Isaac’s one to watch.

Good for: Fans of London and crime flicks – especially when they’re matched up

tntMagazine.com

05/04/2013 15:32:57

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GIVE US A

rob delaney

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

After Boston-born stand-up Rob Delaney announced on Twitter he was playing his debut UK show at the Soho Theatre last year, it sold out in an hour. Sensibly, he’s decided to add another show – this time at the much bigger Empire in She Bu – for those who didn’t make it last time. Don’t miss out twice!

Shepherd’s Bush Empire W12 8TT. Apr 13. £22.50+ She Bu o2shepherdsbushempire.co.uk

modern british childhood 1948-2012

Peter and alice

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

This simple but fascinating exhibition looks at how childhood has changed between last year and the previous time London hosted the Olympics in 1948. It looks at culture, toys, schooling and just what it’s like being a little one in London. Kids today, and their iLife Tweetiverse, they don’t know they were born, right?

John Logan’s 90-minute new play, which raises questions about the legacy of fame and the pain and pleasures of growing up, brings together Skyfall stars Judi Dench and Ben Whishaw (both of whom are on excellent form) as the characters that influenced the writing of Lewis Carroll’s Alice In Wonderland and JM Barrie’s Peter Pan.

V&A Museum of Childhood Cambridge Heath Rd, E2 9PA. Until Apr 14.

FREE Bethnal Green vam.ac.uk

Noel Coward Theatre WC2N 4 AU. Until Jun 1. £10+ Leicester Square michaelgrandagecompany.com

Jeremy O’Donnell What’s the show about? It’s about everything you never knew about tea, with jokes.

What is it about tea that makes it so appealing to the Brits?

In a crisis, tea is always there for us. Tea is to Britain what Batman was to Gotham City.

What’s the strangest thing you found out about tea? The Chinese were drinking tea 1000 years before they’d heard of the wheel!

Photos: Joan Marcus

What are coffee drinkers most missing out on? Probably sleep.

the place beyond the pines

the book of mormon

FILM

THEATRE

Ryan Gosling may have just spoken of his desire to take a break from acting, and if he does, he’s going out on a high. This year he’s already had Gangster Squad, and has Only God Forgives to come (from Drive’s Nicolas Winding Refn). First up is this drama thriller, with his Blue Valentine director Derek Cianfrance and ace supporting cast – Bradley Cooper, Rose Byrne, Ray Liotta.

It couldn’t possibly live up to the hype, but this irreverent Broadway musical from Trey Parker and Matt Stone (South Park) and Avenue Q’s Robert Lopez is fast, foul-mouthed and lots of fun as the naïve Utah mission school graduates Elder Price and Elder Cunningham arrive in an Aids-ridden Uganda to convert the natives.

On general release April 12

Prince of Wales W1D 6AS. Until Jan 2014. £37.50+ Pic Circus bookofmormonlondon.com

Who inspired you to take to the stage? I saw Richard Pryor on video when I was 16. It was such a contrast to the comedians I’d seen before, so natural. Although that was filmed 30 years ago, it’s still as funny as ever.

What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen this week? My son watches too much TV. I asked: “What’s your favourite animal?” He said: “A moonpig.com.”

You Can’t Buy Pyramid Teabags in Egypt Leicester Square Theatre, WC2H 7BX April 11-13. £9.50 Leicester Square leicestersquaretheatre.com

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Aussie legend: Paul Kelly will play through his 19th album in London 24

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[Caption]

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05/04/2013 13:42:49

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Folk hero Legendary folk rocker Paul Kelly opens up to TNT about his new album Spring And Fall and upcoming London show Words alasdair morton

Paul Kelly has won no fewer than eight ARIAs in his distinguished near 40-year career as a singer-songwriter.

Yet he is, as we’re surprised to find when we chat with him ahead of his forthcoming 19th album Spring And Fall and London show, one who doesn’t even think of himself as a singer-songwriter at all. Well, not until now that is.

“I’ve played with my nephew Dan a lot over the last seven or eight years and we’ve developed a sound I felt would be good as a starting point for a record,” the 58-year-old explains of his latest long player’s birth. “I had never made what I would call a singer-songwriter record before even though that’s what I’m known for – I usually put a band together and play and write with them.”

Spring And Fall comes out of what has been, even for a man with such a formidably prolific back catalogue to his name, a particularly productive few years that birthed a retrospective record, tours and accompanying book. The eight-disc The A-Z Recordings is a live document of Kelly’s career to date that’s seen him earn a global fanbase with his bold personal tales and political observations, and folkinfused acoustic rock.

It’s comprised of 100 songs from his career, drawn from shows between 2004 and 2010 when he took this retroformat out on the road, including four-night stops at the Sydney Opera House in 2006 and London’s Bush Hall in 2011.

An accompanying book emerged, as well; Kelly had initially started to write a few words to accompany each song, only for this endeavour to mutate into “mongrel memoir” How To Make Gravy. And it has been this all-consuming and introspective period Spring And Fall has reacted against.

“All writers fall into habits and I definitely do,” Kelly tells us, with his inimitable frankness and honesty. “I am pretty limited as a musician and you tend to find most artists write about the same things – sex, death, memory, love. You have to try and do things differently.”

The secret to finding things to write about, and to his longevity, Kelly tells us, is curiosity – “Not doing the same things all the time and just having an interesting life.” It’s fair to say that Kelly has certainly had that, and Spring And Fall is definitely him avoiding repeating himself.

As well as starting out on the project without his usual accompanying band of musicians, the record differs from previous Kelly albums in that it is a single cohesive piece

of work that tells the story of a relationship. “It’s a love story from the beginning of a relationship to the end,” he says, adding that it is influenced by his own life (Kelly’s been married twice) but is not autobiographical.

“The point of view shifts, sometimes it is more of a thirdperson voice, sometimes a first-person perspective, sometimes it’s the man, others the woman,” he tells us.

“

You have to try and do things differently

”

Kelly’s musical output has varied, taking influences from acoustic folk and rock, bluegrass and even dub reggae since he first emerged with Paul Kelly and The Dots in the midSeventies. So naturally Fall has its own sound, too.

“I wanted to keep the instrumentation sparse and make ››

Touring: Kelly’s been hitting the road for almost 40 years tntMagazine.com

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Saving the album: Kelly sets out to show the importance of the multi-song format each song lead into the next,” he explains of what is shaping up to be a new chapter in his ever-evolving career.

“What happened was we invited a producer on board, J Walker, and he ended up playing a lot of double bass and harps on the record, so we did kind of become a three-piece band. We used a combination of differently tuned acoustic guitars and that was our bedrock sound for the record.”

Where Kelly’s reaction to the 150-strong touring roster of songs for the A-Z shows was to take a stripped back sound for the record, Fall also represents a reaction to the way music is consumed these days.

“If you are going to make an album you have to make it more than just a collection of songs,” Kelly explains of what went on to become a defence in many ways of ‘the album’ as a musical statement and work.

“People can listen to music in many formats, pick up a song here or there in a more grazing style,” he says. “If an album is a collection of songs you might as well just put them out one by one. Spring And Fall will be more rewarding if you listen to it all in order.”

Kelly drew on the structure he had taken on when penning

Gravy, incorporating many of the artistic influences and rigours from that experience into Fall’s love story.

“In the book I had an in-built structure in the alphabet,” he recalls of the two-year-long process the book became.

“Different chapters had different styles, though, I could write an essay and then another would be more personal, then another was a family memoir, or a tour diary – I could mix it up but I had a structure in place and that slid through [into the album].”

Hearing Kelly defend albums, we half expect him to launch into some criticism of today’s iTunes-dictated music universe.

To be a nostalgist who preferred things as they were, who’s mourning vinyl while admonishing the musically uneducated.

He is, though, much to our surprise, nothing of the sort.

“

We have special plans for the London show

”

New sound: Kelly plays with oddly tuned acoustics on the new record 26

TNT_1545_026 26

Spring And Fall is out April 15 through Dramatico. Kelly plays Cadogan Sloane Square cadoganhall.com Hall. April 12. £25 SW1X 9DQ

Photos: Daniel Boud; Tony Mott; Getty

“I like the choice – as an artist and as someone who consumes music,” he says of the greater musical freedom tech advances have brought. “I don’t want to go back to the days when you had to buy the album to hear a song that wasn’t the single. It’s good – the more choice there is, the better. But paradoxically that means there is more and more reason to make an album now.”

To make the point almost, his forthcoming show at London’s prestigious Cadogan Hall will differ to the usual shows served up when bands and artists tour, where they’re most likely to throw in a few new ones off the latest LP and then the tried and tested crowd favourites.

“We have special plans for the show,” he reveals. “We’re going to play Spring And Fall as a piece, from the first song to the last, and then the second half of the show will be dipping into the catalogue of old songs.”

It’s going to be a true one-off opportunity to see Kelly, dabbling in the hits, and opening the door on this new chapter. Don’t miss! ❚

tntMagazine.com

05/04/2013 13:42:52

The colour AND The GlorY Tickets available from ÂŁ17pp.

Early booking discount ends Friday 26th April.

Fine dining available. visit ascot.co.uk TNT_1545_027 27

TUESDAY 18TH JUNE TO SATURDAY 22ND JUNE 2013

05/04/2013 17:22:54

SPARETIME

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Injustice: Gods Among Us

Alkaline Trio: My Shame Is True

Game

CD

The Chicago three-chord punks’ eighth studio album of new material. £8.99 play.com

A roster of DC Comics’ classic characters convene in this fighting game. £34.99 play.com

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Defiance: Ultimate Edition Game

Scour a ravaged future world for resources in this dystopian online thriller. £62.35 amazon.co.uk

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Posthumous album from the six-string legend with 12 new studio recordings. £9.99 amazon.co.uk

Dynamite Jack Clive Cussler: The Thief

App

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Book

Cussler’s fifth historical novel in the best-selling Isaac Bell adventure series. £6.99 play.com

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The card game in 60-second round bursts.

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Kurt Vonnegut: Letters Book

A collection of never before published letters spanning 60 years of the American author’s life and experiences. £17.50 waterstones.com

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Danny Boyle’s Nineties classic’s whole script squeezed onto one page. £39.99

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

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Parks And Recreation: Season One DVD

First round in the hilarious hit US bureaucracy-riffing mockumentary show. £17.83 play.com

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20/03/2012 14:51 05/04/2013 15:10:09

LIFESTYLECAREERS

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MONTHLY SPOTLIGHT on working abroad

Under construction: in a few short years, Doha has become a towering metropolis

Desert dreams Tax-free salaries, swank perks and the chance to rocket up the career ladder. Could Doha be the new Dubai? Words daisy carrington Doha is not short of job opportunities.

The capital of Qatar, neighbouring Dubai and Abu Dhabi in the UAE, is one of the world’s fastest growing cities, and it’s desperate for skilled labour to keep up the pace. Competitive salaries, zero income tax, and generous benefits packages all help to sweeten the deal.

Starting from scratch Fifty years ago, Doha was little more than a stretch of sand. Today, it is a booming, beachside metropolis.

Construction moves so quickly, it feels as though you could blink and suddenly find a new tower looming overhead.

“It’s like being on a rocketship,” says Susie Billings, 45, an Australian consultant who has lived in the city for six years. “Everything is taking off, 30

TNT_1545_030 30

and there’s investment in so many different fields. There’s a real chance to get involved, get your hands dirty, and make something happen.”

The breakneck speed of development in Doha also means that there are lots of opportunities for growth. “If you’re willing to put your head down and work hard, you can move up the ladder pretty quickly,” notes Scot Euan Berry, 31, who works as cabin crew for an airline.

One of the main draws, though, is the tax-free salaries. According to Darren Thompson, the manager at recruitment agency Huxley Associate’s Doha branch, expat salaries average around £3000 per month, and often, those come with added perks, such as housing allowance and yearly return tickets home.

“The salaries in Doha are generally globally competitive, and the cost of rent, gas and electricity is sometimes borne by the company,” says Berry, adding, “in fact, my only outgoing in a month is the £40 I spend on internet.”

Get in there As one might imagine, gas and oil are the mainstays of Doha’s economy.

“Qatar is the number one supplier of land gas in the global market,” notes Thompson. The country has taken its energy revenues and invested in a soaring infrastructure. As a result, the city is in desperate need of people to not only build it, but run it. Engineers and finance types are in high demand, as are PRs, teachers, accountants and people with hospitality experience.

tntMagazine.com

05/04/2013 12:34:15

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LIFESTYLECAREERS On the job Katie Vale

Career Couture milliner Age 33 Lives Between Essex and London From Essex

How did you get into your line of work?

I was taught to sew at a young age.

I was fascinated by hats and asked for a short millinery course for Christmas.

I thought it’d curb my interest, but instead it changed my life.

Photos: Getty, Thinkstock

Footie: a Qatari favourite

Watch it grow: just add oil revenue!

Finding work, adds The Money pit and expats can be Thompson, is not seen riding jetskis or Not all companies pay for housing, difficult.“Just get in paddleboarding down and rents can be pricey. The most touch with a couple of by the marina. basic two-bedroom flat will set recruitment agencies, “Athletic and you back £1200 a month. One and describe you skills sports-related activities drawback of speedy development is and experience.” are hugely promoted also shoddy construction. “Expect The only thing that here,” says Thompson, crooked walls and sloppy tiling,” might bar you from referencing the fact says Euan Berry. Al Mansoura, finding potential work, that Doha is hosting Najma and Al Sadd are some of he says, is showing the 2022 FIFA World the best areas for young expats, as they’re close to local shops and Cup. Recently, the a lack of commitment government introduced restaurants, and never far from a or knowledge. taxi. For high-end digs, check out a new national holiday: “If you’re just dipping your toe in the the flats on artificial island The Pearl. National Sports Day. There is also an water, and you can’t say Australian football team in Doha, a single thing about Doha, you won’t get past the first stage,” says Thompson. called the Doha Kangaroos, who “Do some research before.” compete regionally.

However, warns Billings, Doha’s “They were runners up in the grand human resources sector isn’t as final this year,” Billings tells us with developed as it is in the West. palpable pride.

“Your employer may have more Setting up power than you’re used to,” she says, adding that companies even have Work visas are issued by employers, but control over exit visas, meaning any time if you find work (even from abroad), you want to leave the country, you have getting one sorted shouldn’t be to run it by your boss. difficult. For those who want “Pick your employer wisely and know to find work on location, what you’re getting into,” she advises. two-week tourist visas can be NEXT WEEK Social sports acquired at the Health: Can a life Doha may not be a haven of nightclubs, airport. Visit coach really sort onlineqatar.com yet, but it is ideal for outdoorsy you out? for more info. types. It’s flush with beachfront,

What do you do day-to-day?

Each day varies. I might be blocking a hat, sketching a design for a bespoke order, adding the finishing detail to a new collection piece or meeting a client to discuss an idea.

What’s the most rewarding part of the job?

Getting a letter of thanks from a client. Nothing will beat that.

What’s the most challenging?

Some clients have very specific ideas of what they want, but they can’t describe it. It can be quite frustrating for them, but we always get there eventually.

katievaledesigns.com

How to... tell

on the boss When your supervisor is unbearable, you can take action.

• To complain to HR, you need

proof your boss has discrimated against you or engaged in illegal activity. Being a jerk is not grounds enough for firing.

• Approach HR or higher-ups

with a solution to accompany your complaint.

• If possible, talk to your boss

first. If you’re being given too much work or aren’t getting a lunch hour, you might be able to work on a solution together.

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TNT_1545_031 31

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05/04/2013 12:34:19

tntjobs.co.uk MANUEL MOVES T: 020 8947 6506 www.manuelmoves.com Family run removal company, offering a range of services including home moves and furniture deliveries across London, the home counties and Europe.

PRIVATE EMPLOYER Smiley, exuberant, 14 month-old boy (standing but not yet walking) at stage of development when he needs lots of stimulation.

JOB OF THE WEEK: HGV (Class 2 drivers) & removal porters Location: Earlsfield Salary: Competitive rates of pay Duties to include packing and wrapping of goods for export, loading and unloading shipping containers, plus driving to and from job locations. The ideal candidate would have previous experience working for a removal company (although this is not essential) and be proficient in packing household goods. Must be fit, well presented, speak good English and be able to work as part of a team. info@manuelmoves.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Experienced mother’s help/nanny Location: Newington Green (N1) London Salary: £9 ph + tax Role to begin asap, in-house and out, looking after baby, taking to activities, cooking, feeding, some babysitting etc. Experience with this age group and flexibility essential. 120 hours per month, CRB checked, 3+ references.

Nick Hay | mildmay47@gmail.com

MANE CONTRACT SERVICES T: 01923 470710 www.mane.co.uk Mane provides Technical Recruitment solutions worldwide, specialising in the Aerospace, Automotive, Construction, Engineering, Manufacturing, Oil & Gas and Rail sectors.

JOB OF THE WEEK: CNC Turners and CNC Millers Location: Byfleet, Surrey Salary: £18.50 per hour CNC Turners and CNC Millers for aerospace engineering company located close to byfleet train station on the line from waterloo. Programming CNC machines using mazatrol controls. 6 Month contracts on night shifts.

Ricki Doyle | 01923 470 710 | eng@mane.co.uk

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05/04/2013 16:55:30

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cash-SAVING TIPS

how you spend it!

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Kurt Geiger deals Need new kicks? Get 25 per cent off any Kurt Geiger shoe not already xxxxxxxxx on sale. You must purchase them online and Xxxxxxxxxxx enter the promo code “vogue25” at checkout.

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It works out well.

Do you have any tips for saving money in London?

There are plenty of websites that list free things to do.

There are lots of people that don’t have money to spend, so they share free places to go or cool, cheap things to do.

Last big blow-out?

Probably drinking. It adds up pretty fast when you go out.

Filipa Araujo, 22 Job Student From Portugal Lives London

Photos: Getty

What non-essential items do you spend money on?

Cosmetics and make-up.

They’re expensive, but I do think they’re essential!

how THEY spend it!

Wedding bells

Smelly deal Smell great for less: visit halfpriceperfumes.co.uk and enter in promo code hppn10off to get 10 per cent off any purchase.

The deal is ongoing and delivery costs start at a not-too-terrible £2.49.

H&M recycles Bring in a bag of unwanted clothing (any brand) to any H&M store, and get a £5 H&M voucher redeemable on your next purchase of £30 or more.

You can hand in up to two bags a day. Visit hm.com for more details.

How do you budget?

I pack a lunch, only buy the clothes I need and just buy essentials most of the time.

Matt Damon dropped £300,000 on renewing his wedding vows with wife Luciana Barroso, according to reports. He supposedly rented out a whole St. Lucia resort for the bash

❚ Hugh Hefner, 86, dropped a few bucks on his wedding to 26-year-old girlfriend Crystal Harris. Her dress is said to have cost £4920, and was auctioned off a month later for charity. ❚ Justin Timberlake and

Damon: still feeling the love

Jessica Biel are rumoured to have spent £4.26m on their wedding, which included a fireworks display and was set in a sprawling, £650,000 Italian villa.

❚ Anne Hathaway and hubby Adam Shulman supposedly dropped a cool £662,000 on their wedding (which had 180 guests). Of that sum, £65,000 was spent on flowers.

❚ David and Victoria Beckham’s 1999 nuptials supposedly clocked in at £525,000. Her wedding dress had a 20ft train, and she wore a gold- and diamondencrusted crown (those surely added to the bill).

Need to send money between UK and home? r Cheapee than th banks*

*Source: 1st Contact survey of UK high street bank charges, April 2008.

0870-898 8996 tntforex.com tntMagazine.com

TNT_1545_033 33

33

05/04/2013 12:08:30

LIFESTYLEliving

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Home

Style .00

£12

Jpegs Geddit? They’re hooks, but with pegs attatched thabto.co.uk

Living on the edge Caledonian Road, N7 Words daisy carrington

.00

£32

The Models bone china Drink tea, with nudity culturelabel.com

Though it hasn’t always enjoyed the most pristine reputation, this north London ’hood is on its way up. New developments and a growing demographic of young professionals are transforming an area that has for decades been known as a bit rough.

It may not quite have the cache of Shoreditch, but that’s a good thing. With cheap rents, plentiful transport, and an array of exciting and diverse eateries, Callie Road is one of London’s best-kept secrets.

Why Caledonian Road?

50 32.

£

Flower house vase How Dutch can you get? dutchbydesign.com

.00

£18

Mary Rose decanter Add class with glass grahamandgreen.co.uk

34

TNT_1545_034 34

“Generally speaking, it didn’t used to be the most salubrious area,” admits Charlie Adcock, the director of Hamptons’ Islington branch. However, he points out, a rash of new developments has considerably upped the property value.

“King’s Cross went from being a bit of a red light district to somewhere that’s sought after,” he says, an occurrence aided by the launch of Marriott’s relatively new St. Pancras Renaissance London Hotel, which marks the region’s southern border. The revitalisation of the Hillmarton Conservation Area, a web of lanes lined with renovated Victorian flats and plush trees, has also brought in a flux of young professionals.

Mainly, though, the draw is the price.

“It’s 30 per cent cheaper than properties that are one street over,” he says.

Who lives there?

Adcock says Caledonian Road is an area that’s difficult to characterise, as both the

Swank: drinks at The Booking Office architecture and the demographic are varied.

“You won’t find a more diverse area in London,” he adds.

A lot depends on what end of Callie Road you claim as your address. Down south, near King’s Cross, is made up of young professionals.

“It’s more arty down there, and you have some indie pubs, bars and restaurants,” he says. In the middle sits Pentonville Prison, which comprises an “urban mix”. On the north end, young families vie for leafy brownstones.

The connections Caledonian Road may be one of the city’s best connected ’hoods. It has the Overground, which shuttles residents east

The Hemingford Arms: a leafy local in a matter of minutes, and the Piccadilly line, which easily links up to Soho, the City and Green Park. Buses abound, and it’s a 10-minute ride into trendier nabes, such as Camden, Highbury and Highgate.

tntMagazine.com

05/04/2013 12:37:49

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MY AREA Alec Taylor Geologist, 33

“I love how close Callie is to everything. With few exceptions, I can meet my friends in any part of London, and get home at the end of the night with relative ease.”

Kate Ashton Designer, 29

Surprise: Callie Road has rows of cute houses and gardens Don’t move here if...

You’re unnerved by diversity.

“I’d say, if you’ve lived an incredibly sheltered life, and aren’t used to areas that are made up of different ethnicities, it might not be for you,” says Adcock. For some, the wealth of languages that erupts on the streets is a bonus. If it doesn’t excite you, then maybe you should look further afield.

Where to hang out The beauty of Callie is there’s something to suit all tastes. Those hankering for class (and cocktails) can find it at The Booking

Office (bookingofficerestaurant.com), which serves up fizzes and punches from within the gothic Renaissance Hotel. Those in search of something more down to earth can take advantage of the residing ethnic communities. Petra does some killer Turkish takeaway (tel. 020 3490 1779), while Merkato (ethiopianrestaurant.com) is a good spot to grab some Ethiopian stew.

The Hemingford Arms is NEXT WEEK a lovely, leafy local, with some wonderfully eccentric What a dive: touches and sport on TV Worst ‘hoods (capitalpubcompany.com).

“Caledonian Road gets a bad rap, which is fine by me – it keeps the rent down. Really, it’s quiet and pretty, at least near where I live, and close to other cool places.”

Steve Moss

Parkour teacher, 33 “I’m a freerunner. The architecture around here suits what I do. There are a lot of obstacles dotted around, especially in the estates, that make it really good for running.”

n7 INFO Borough

Islington Council Tax

Band B: £748.12 Travel time to London

Photos: Getty

20 mins 2-bedroom £450pw

2-bedroom £530pw

1-bedroom £360pw

This airy, split-level pub conversion is seconds away from Caledonian Road Tube, and comes outfitted with modern fittings. It also gets lots of natural light.

This partly furnished waterside property comes equipped with a balcony overlooking Regent’s Canal. It also has a large living area, and is near King’s Cross.

This bright, airy apartment has a sizable kitchen and a private balcony. The building includes a gym and a communal garden, plus a 24/7 concierge service.

hamptons.co.uk

hamptons.co.uk

hamptons.co.uk

Tube

Caledonian Road (Piccadilly line) Average room share 1 bed

£700pcm Average rental 1 bed

£1200pcm Average flat 1 bed

£250,000

tntMagazine.com

TNT_1545_035 35

35

05/04/2013 12:37:55

WORLDVIEW

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Off the rails: train thieves

come on baby, steal a locomotive... australia

Two Queensland teenagers have been charged after stealing a diesel engine locomotive and crashing it.

The two brazen lads convinced staff they were qualified to drive the large train.

However, the would-be train robbers only managed to move it by a metre before smashing it into a carriage.

“The heritage diesel locomotive actually bumped three heritage carriages on to a heritage rail motor,” Mary Valley Heritage Railway president Tony Hallam explained.

A 17- and 18-year-old have been charged and will both appear at Gympie Magistrates Court later in April. tweets of the week @tobeornotchubbe North Korea threatens nuclear war and Britain responds with #NorthKoreaFootballChants this is why people hate us @AngryBritain Nuclear war?

PANIC BUY! PANIC BUY! PANIC BUY! PANIC BUY! PANIC BUY! PANIC BUY! PANIC BUY! PANIC BUY! PANIC BUY! PANIC BUY! PANIC BUY!

be quiet, waves, I’m trying to sleep worldwide

Complaints by cruise ship passengers include one by a woman who moaned about the sea being “too loud”, it has been revealed.

A couple also accused a captain of being “rude” for sailing off when they had left a note saying they needed more sightseeing time in port, according to cruise travel agency bonvoyage.co.uk.

One woman, having seen Take That star Gary Barlow had been on her ship on an 36

TNT_1545_036 36

From a distance: Chris Hadfield, Canadian astronaut currently living in space aboard ISS as Commander of Expedition 35, tweets a picture of the sun getting ready to set into the horizon of Southwestern Australia. Yep, that’s pretty cool

earlier trip, demanded an explanation as to why the singer was not on her voyage.

Then there was the man who complained about not getting “an impressive tan” and being unable to swim in the pool while on a trip around Alaska.

Bonvoyage.co.uk cruise development manager Steph Curtin said: “From time to time we come across a few quirky complaints that we can do little to help.”

oral sex? that’s just batty... india

Male bats perform cunnilingus on females in order to prolong sex, according to research by LiveScience.

Scientists studied a colony of 420 fruit-eating bats in India for more than

13 months, taking notes on their sexual habits. They found that, initially, males groomed their penises to get erect before approaching a female. If they didn’t move away, the male would lick their vagina before mating. Afterwards, they finished off with more oral sex, the obviously vital study found.

Researchers suspect that copulation prolonged by foreplay may also lead to enhanced conception. “Apart from humans, bats also exhibit oral sex as a courtship behaviour,” said Ganapathy Marimuthu, a bat researcher at Madurai Kamaraj University in India.

Fascinating.

tntMagazine.com

05/04/2013 12:54:27

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Starkers: daredevil rows across the river

THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 10

Amount of weeks Emily Marsh, 13, from Surrey, has hiccuped every two seconds, keeping her awake all night

Cost, in thousands of pounds, of newspaper ad Dinshah Vimadalal took out in the Times Of India to find a wife

NAKED MAN ROWS CROC-FILLED RIVER

Sight for sore eyes: Wahloo

220

15

Weight, in pounds, of a WWII bomb found near Berlin’s main railway station which had to be evacuated

AUSTRALIA

Only in the Northern Territory.

A fisherman risked his life by rowing a log across a crocodile-infested river – all to win two cases of bourbon.

The man, who, unsurprisingly, didn’t want to be named, stripped naked for the prank, which happened during a day drinking beer and fishing with mates.

The notoriously saltwater croc-infested Daly River was swollen from heavy rain and a number of large logs and parts of trees were caught in the fast-flowing waters.

Witness Billy Innes said: “Huge trees were hammering down the river. It was quite a sight. Someone dared him to get on to one and row across the river.”

The naked rower revealed his motivation for the stunt: “I’d enjoyed a few beers and it seemed a good idea at the time.” These things always do.

LIFE-CHANGING EYE OP FOR WALLABY Photos: Thinkstock; Getty; AAP; Twitter

NEW ZEALAND

A 19-month-old wallaby has been able to see for the first time following lifesaving cataract surgery.

Wahloo was born with the cloudy white condition and underwent surgery in a New Zealand-first in December to relieve the build up of fluid behind his eyes.

The wallaby had the operation in Palmerston North and last week marked

TNT_1545_037 37

Incline, in degrees, of the Scenic Railway in the Blue Mountains which has just reopened after a £20m refurbishment

the end of its long and slow recovery.

“They’ve given this little guy a whole new lease of life, and quadrupled his quality of life,” owner Caroline Girdlestone said. “He has his independence, his selfrespect, he is brave and happy.”

MAN STAGES APRIL FOOL JOKE CRASH CALIFORNIA

It’s the plane crash that never was.

A businessman staged an elaborate April Fool joke last Monday.

Billy Cheesman Jr used a forklift to arrange a small aircraft on the fence that runs in front of his equipment rental business, as if it had nosedived there.

He also strung yellow caution tape around to make it resemble a crash scene.

Cheesman says someone gave him the two-seat experimental plane and he’s been trying to figure out what to do with it.

He notified the Sheriff’s Department before he set up the prank. Hilarious.

64

QUOTE OF THE WEEK I still seem to shock people, though I look terribly respectable now in my old age Barry Humphries aka Dame Edna Everage

05/04/2013 12:54:31

TNT Magazine needn’t be your only TNT of the week. Check out our awesome website for a daily dose of your favourite magazine, for news from home, travel deals and more. Do yourself a favour and log on to tntmagazine.com

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05/04/2013 16:55:02

TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: ALASDAIR MORTON alasdair.morton@tntmagazine.com

Supporting subcultures: attacks on goths, emos and punks are to be recorded as hate crimes

Brits are happier and more satisfied than Aussies

Photos: Getty

Despite the fact England’s grey, cold, rainy and in recession

Do you feel happy? Well do you? According to a new survey the Brits are actually more happy than the Aussies, despite the large amount of grumble-inducing factors working against those on this tiny little island.

A new survey carried out by the National Bank Of Australia of more than 1000 Aussies shows life Down Under is likely to make you less happy than one in the UK. When compared with a similar survey here last year by the Office for National Statistics, the numbers showed 7.4 Brits were satisfied with their lives compared to only six Aussies. When quizzed whether they thought their life was worthwhile – a pretty serious, philosophical sounding survey question, we must admit – 7.7 Brits said they were comfortable and happy with their reason for being, compared to only 6.5 Aussies. Existential crises are therefore more common in Sydney than London, we can only deduce. But why?

“Australians have overtaken the Poms in the whinging stakes,” journo Michael Pascoe said in the Sydney Morning Herald, despite all the factors suggesting the stats should be the other way round. Britain’s economy is an embarrassment and double-dipped to fuck, while Australia has one of the strongest economies in the developing world. Here it is grey, gloomy and snowing in April, with a wet and pathetic summer predicted, too.

During the same period Australia was basking in a record heatwave. Different hemisphere, but you get the point.

Could it be the Brits’ much famed stiff upper lip? That barkingly daft yet surprisingly effective ‘keep calm and carry on’ mentality that has seen them through the Blitz, Thatcher, and the shame of being responsible for unleashing Simon Cowell on the world?

The nation’s ability to laugh at itself, embrace irony as a heritage, and emerge smiling and contented despite the setbacks? I think it’s much simpler – do the surveys again after an Aussie Ashes win and it could all be very different. » Agree or disagree? Are Aussies bigger whingers than Brits? letters@tntmagazine.com

HATING THE GOTH AND EMO HATERS Manchester has decided attacks on emos and goths should be recorded as hate crimes, just like those motivated by religion, disability, ethnicity or sexual orientation.

It is a move motivated by the death in 2007 of Sophie Lancaster, a goth who was attacked in a Manchester park. It is intended to support subcultures who are targeted for their anti-conformity lifestyles and appearance.

While any attack or physical assault on someone is motivated by a dislike – people don’t go round attacking people they’re chummy with, generally – the new law

“

Intolerance and ignorance is vile

”

focuses on those that are motivated not by personal needs (mugging for money) but by personal prejudices, and it is for this reason it is a welcome move that should be supported and embraced nationwide.

Intolerance and ignorance is vile yet widespread, and should be tackled head on with intelligence and understanding.

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A bid for freedom Julian Assange is running for a seat in the Australian Senate.

TNT finds out why WORDS CAROL DRIVER Honesty. That’s what Julian Assange’s campaign manager claims is driving the WikiLeaks founder’s bid for the Australian Senate in September’s election. Greg Barnes, ex-head of the Australian Republican Movement, was last week announced as Assange’s main man for the WikiLeaks Party campaign for a seat in Victoria. According to Barnes, who lives in Hobart, the “sorts of values” Assange brings to the political landscape include “greater transparency in decision making” and “an examination of the way that the state in Australia is encroaching on the rights of individuals”.

He added: “These are the sorts of issues which do concern Australians. And the current political parties in Australia don’t address either of those issues. Julian Assange certainly does. And he’s got runs on the board when it comes to walking the walk and talking the talk through WikiLeaks.“ However, for the past nine months, Assange hasn’t been doing much of either, having been holed up in the Ecuadorian embassy in Knightsbridge, London, where he has been granted political asylum. The 41-year-old is fighting extradition to Sweden where he faces sexual assault claims made by two women.

Assange and his supporters fear it’s a conspiracy against him, that if the former computer hacker faces court in Sweden, the US will try to extradite him to stand trial for conspiracy or other charges arising from WikiLeaks obtaining thousands of secret US military and diplomatic reports.

It’s an affair that has seen the rise and fall of the “internet freedom fighter”, whose high-profile backers – including a former British Army captain and a Nobelprize-winning biologist – were ordered to forfeit £93,500 in sureties when he broke his bail conditions last year.

The turn of opinion against Assange, whose critics argue should face charges in Sweden, was quick. Millionaire activist Jemima Khan, who also lost her bail money, wrote a scathing piece for the New Statesman, stating: “WikiLeaks 40

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– whose mission statement was to produce a more just society based upon truth – has been guilty of the same obfuscation and misinformation as those it sought to expose, while its supporters are expected to follow, unquestioningly, in blinkered, cultish devotion.”

So is Assange’s fear justified? Is it realistic should he face the assault claims in Sweden that the US would get its claws into him? Swedish Supreme Court judge Stefan Lindskog thinks not. In a rare public appearance, the high-profile judge gave a lecture at the University of Adelaide last week, claiming Assange may be safe from extradition to the US

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Assange has a good chance of winning

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even if he returns to Sweden. Judge Lindskog admitted the case against Assange was “a mess”, telling the crowd: “It should never be a crime to make known crime of a state.”

And Justice Lindskog, who went into an extraordinary amount of detail about the sexual assault case, added: “Extradition shall not be granted when alleged crimes (are) military or political in nature.” Prior to the speech, Assange had condemned Justice Lindskog’s decision to speak in Australia, calling it “absolutely outrageous”.

Assange, an Aussie citizen, revealed last year he would run for the 76-seat Senate, citing using the protection of parliament to champion free speech and break court suppression orders as his motivation.

And despite Assange’s current situation and the split in public opinion, Barnes believes his fair-haired employer has a “very good chance” of winning a seat in Australia’s upper

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For more than six weeks, TNT has been campaigning with your help against the UK Border Agency. We’ve revealed horror stories, gained press coverage in the UK and Australia, and attracted support from high-profile MPs. To read our coverage so far, visit tntmagazine.com/ukba. Two weeks ago it was announced the UK Border Agency will be split into two organisations – one dealing with visas.

In true shambolic style, a name for the office, and how it’s going to work, is yet to be decided. So far, all that’s clear is that it’s going to be the same staff, reporting to the same bosses, in the same building, operating within the same budgets. Therefore, our demands for this new entity remain the same.

Add your voice to TNT Magazine’s UKBA Balls-Up campaign to demand the new office changes its policies so that:

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house. There are six senators elected out of Victoria, and Assange will need 15 per cent of the vote to win. Barnes told Aussie radio station RT: “At the moment ... 25 to 27 per cent of Australians say they would vote for Assange. So he’s starting from a very high base ... it’s a very good place to start.”

Barnes said Assange’s policies will be determined over the next few months, adding: “The party will offer a refreshing change from the Australian government culture of secrecy.

“What I can say at this point is that he certainly stands for ... using [the Australian Senate] more effectively to keep the government honest about what they are doing. So not simply rubber-stamping policies.”

However, Assange is still considered a long shot. If he makes it through, he’d take up his seat from July 1, 2014, but, crucially, would need to return to Australia to be sworn in. Ultimately, Assange’s bid for the Senate also marks his bid for freedom, Barnes explains. “The Australian government would be left in a position ... where it had a person who’d been elected to the Senate by the people of Victoria and the Australian government hadn’t lifted a finger to help that person to come back to Australia.

“I think it would be incumbent on the Australian government to exercise the diplomatic and political capital that it has got with Stockholm, with London and with Washington to ensure that Julian Assange can rightfully return home and take his place in the Senate.”

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Support: (left) campaigners in Brisbane; Julian Assange before seeking political asylum

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✔ Every applicant receives correspondence when an application has been received ✔ Advice is then sent to all applicants detailing the process system and what it means for those wanting to work or travel ✔ Every applicant gets access to an emergency helpline which they can call for updates at any time, not only after six months ✔ The target for processing visas for those based in the UK who are eligible to work is reduced to three months ✔ A full refund is offered to applicants if their application takes longer than the target time if it is due to UKBA incompetency ✔ The amount of premium service appointments is increased – and a full refund is offered to applicants if the UKBA doesn’t adhere to the allotted 24-hour timescale ✔ Applicants wishing to extend visas to stay in the UK can do so before the ‘28 days before expiry’ deadline Add your name to our government epetition.

Follow the link from tntmagazine.com/ukba

Does Julian Assange deserve a seat in the Senate?

Write and tell us your views – letters@tntmagazine.com

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Sunk: Lance Armstrong’s failed return

swimming says no to armstrong swimming

Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong announced he was to make a return to competitive sport last week at a swimming competition – only for swimming’s governing body to nix his plans and deny his entry.

Armstrong, who lost his seven Tour De France titles for allegedly using performance enhancing drugs, announced his intention to compete in the Masters South Central Zone Swimming Championships at the University of Texas last weekend.

The International Swimming Federation (Fina) objected, stating his lifetime doping ban applied to all Masters events, too.

Armstrong had signed up to compete in the 500-yard, 1000-yard and 1650-yard freestyle events before withdrawing.

australia announce central contracts cricket

Australia have announced their centrally contracted players for 20132014 with several of those from the disastrous Test in India omitted.

Moises Henriques, Usman Khawaja, Jackson Bird and Steve Smith were all part of the 4-0 drubbing endured in India last month but have been left off the list. Khawaja was one of four players controversially dropped for the third Test, too, for a discipline issue in which a preparatory task handed out by coach Mickey Arthur to make a presentation on how the team could improve failed to be completed.

Australia land in the UK this July to contend the Ashes, hoping to overturn England’s two consecutive victories.

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Dusty Payne of Hawaii, US, looks to impress in his third round heat in the Rip Curl Pro competition at Bells Beach last week. He ended up losing to Aussie Taj Burrow

tevez fined for driving when banned football

Manchester City’s Carlos Tevez was found guilty of driving when banned and fined £1000 – an hour’s pay.

It has been revealed Tevez was fined for driving and having no insurance last month after an anonymous tip-off alerted the authorities. He has now been banned from driving for six months and ordered to complete 250 hours of community service.

The fine handed out – just over £1000 – amounts to little more than pocket change for the City star as it is said to constitute roughly an hour’s work.

The midfielder is rumoured to pocket a whopping £200,000 a week in wages.

Nice work if you can get it.

BIG WEEK FOR ...

Chelsea interim manager Rafa Benitez goes into this weekend’s FA Cup semifinal to defend the title, but also aware that the competition offers the Blues’ only chance of domestic silverware this season.

His rocky time at Stamford Bridge saw him triumph over old adversary Alex Ferguson as Demba Ba’s stunning goal gave Chelsea a 1-0 win over Man Utd to set up a semi-final with City. With the title conceded to their crosstown neighbours, City’s eye will be on silverware of some sort too, meaning this Premier League clash – the winners taking on either Wigan or Millwall in the final – carries even more importance.

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05/04/2013 12:50:28

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QUOTES OF THE WEEK I would like to stay in a top side. A top side, why not in England?

Chelsea boss Rafa Benitez puts out the feelers for a new position after his interim role comes to its expected end this summer

He’s said he can’t turn back the clock but he’s accepted what he did was wrong

Winning ways: Woods goes into the Masters as world number one

PREVIEW WOODS AND MCILROY FACE OFF IN MASTERS THE MASTERS

THUR TO SUN, BBC TV After McIIroy’s spectacular collapse at Augusta two years ago, everyone wrote him off, sure he’d never recover.

After Tiger Woods became the most infamous golfer to feel the full force of his clubs, everyone wrote him off, too. They said he’d never be the world’s biggest sportsman – which he undoubtedly was – ever again. Both have proved their naysayers wrong, making the year’s first major here too close to call.

McIlroy goes into it in terrible form,

struggling with his new equipment, while Woods is back to the world number one spot after three wins this season.

Will McIlroy regain the form that’s so spectacularly deserted him? Or will Woods continue his rapid ascent to his previous lofty viewpoint from where he lauded it over the rest of the sporting world?

While relieved to be out of the limelight, there is still pressure for McIlroy, who’s shown he is brittle when his back’s against the wall. Woods, conversely, is bullish yet relaxed. Just like the king he used to be.

Our money is on Woods continuing to rise.

THE CHAT | Why won’t Joey Barton shut up?

Red Bull principal Christian Horner explains Sebastian Vettel’s backtrack after ignoring team orders and passing teammate Mark Webber at the Malaysian Grand Prix

One bad tour doesn’t define a squad and I’m confident we can take the fight to England Australia captain Michael Clarke is optimistic of success in this summer’s Ashes despite their 4-0 thumping by India last month

TV HIGHLIGHTS

Photos: Getty; AAP Image/ASP; Kirstin Scholtz

FOOTBALL After his latest Twitter outburst, calling PSG’s Q Thiago Silva a fat ladyboy, is there anything that can be done to keep Joey Barton in line?

Barton is many things: a gobshite; a talented footballer; A and a leopard incapable of changing his spots. This latest outburst has found him in hot water yet again, with Marseille likely to discipline the on-loan QPR striker, but it is unlikely to have any affect on the Merseyside-born player who’s got seven red cards under his belt in his professional career. Calling PSG’s Thiago an ”overweight ladyboy” and asking him whether he is “pre-op or post-op” is just another sign of an attention-hungry motormouth who craves the limelight in any shape or form and will do and say anything to keep himself in it.

Man United v Man City Top of the table clash Mon, 8pm/Sky Sports 1

RUGBY LEAGUE Roosters v Bulldogs Sydney take on Canterbury-Bankstown Fri, 9.30am/Premier Sports

FOOTBALL Controversial: Barton

Barcelona v Paris Saint-Germain Champions League quarter final 2nd leg Weds, 7.45pm/Sky Sports 1 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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05/04/2013 12:50:33

Stroke of luck Having cheated death, rugby icon Michael Lynagh is running the London Marathon to help those who aren’t so lucky WORDS MICHAEL GADD

Forget about dodging bullets, Australian rugby legend Michael Lynagh’s doctor told him he’d done even better after he suffered a shock stroke a year ago. The former Wallabies captain’s recovery has been so remarkable that the surgeon told him he’d “dodged a cannonball”. ”I was trying to make sense of it all and asked, ‘Does this happen very often?’,” Lynagh tells TNT. “He said, ‘Not really.’

I said, ‘Why’s that?’ He said, ‘Because they die.’ That’s when he said, ‘You’ve not just dodged a bullet, you’ve dodged a bloody big cannon ball’.”

With that in mind, 75-Test veteran Lynagh considers himself bloody lucky to be here. So much so he wanted to give something to those who don’t escape a stroke so lightly.

He’ll be running this year’s London Marathon on April 21, along with workmates from the Sky Sports rugby team, to raise money to help young stroke survivors back into the workforce.

“Since it happened, I wanted to get involved and help,” he says. “I’ve seen people who have had the same sort of stroke as me, but their lives have been changed substantially ... [they’re] much more worse off than me.”

In April 2012, Lynagh was having a few beers with mates after playing golf. “I was having a drink and a laugh at the same time,” he recalls. “The drink went down the wrong way, which started a rather violent coughing fit.”

This seemingly ordinary event split Lynagh’s back right artery, causing a clot and a stroke.

“The thing that caused the alarm was that I couldn’t see,” he says. “And then all sorts of headaches started happening.

[What with] the stroke, the bleeding and all of that, I was very lucky it didn’t touch anything other than my sight.”

Lynagh, a winner of the Grand Slam in 1984 and the 1991 World Cup, can no longer drive, with 50 per cent of his eyesight gone.

“It’s all my peripheral vision to the left,” he explains. “I’m getting used to it, but it gets a bit scary at airports and train 44

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stations. Or if there’s a glass on a table to the left I can knock it over [because I can’t see it].”

Lynagh, who played his final years for Saracens, admits he won’t break any records when he takes on the 42.195km course in a fortnight. His last attempt at a marathon in 2000, also in London, taught him it won’t be easy. That was just two years after he’d retired from rugby. When he speaks to TNT, he’s just been to the physio to work on loosening up his 48-year-old calves.

“Things are telling me not to do it, like my body, but I’m going OK and we’re going OK for the fundraising for a cause I’m now very passionate about,” he says. “Most people aren’t as lucky as me, so if I can help...”

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My body is telling me not to do it

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Lynagh’s inspiration to run the London Marathon this year came from seeing how many young people suffer from what happened to him, and from Sky commentator James Gemmell, who was planning on running the marathon for a friend who’d also suffered from a stroke.

“In a moment of weakness I said, ‘I’ll do it with you’,” Lynagh says. “We came up with this project with the Stroke Association, then a number of other people at Sky joined in, which is great.”

And so Team Sky For Stroke was born to raise funds for the new Back To Work Programme. “We’re not just giving money to Stroke, we’re employing people to start a new programme,” Lynagh says. “At the moment, they leave hospital and that’s it. But that’s the start of the battle.

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05/04/2013 14:44:34

Clockwise from left: Team Lynagh for the London Marathon; in his current incarnation as a TV pundit; helping the Wallabies to victory in the 1991 World Cup; taking the 1991 trophy home

Photos: Getty

“During the rehab you have problems with having a sense of self worth, finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Some people have trouble walking, talking, reading, writing – all the simple things we take for granted, they have to re-learn them all.

“Being back in the workforce gives you that reason to get out of bed and be part of society again.”

There are no risks of hurting himself, Lynagh insists, saying “there’s no more risk of me having a stroke than last time”. But if there was doubt, it’s been erased by an 18-yearold he met who’d had a stroke playing golf.

“He was in a bad way,” Lynagh explains. “Sometimes there’s no rhyme or reason for it – even though there are danger signs such as being overweight or older, you can just be unlucky.”

He also insists being a former pro sportsman won’t help him in the race.

“Rugby is short, sharp bursts, and lots of them, not going continuously for several hours,” he says. “When I did the last one I’d just finished rugby, yet I had to totally retrain my body to be able to run for a long period of time.”

Mental strength – an asset of Lynagh’s in pressure-cooker on-field situations – on the other hand, is very helpful.

“You need a lot of that when you’re coming down Canary Wharf, with just over half of the way to go and thinking oh god, how far now?

“Last time I remember I’d just come over Tower Bridge, which is about halfway, and it came over the loud speaker that the winner had crossed the line.

“I also recall being passed by a palm tree and a wedding cake,” he adds. “It takes a lot of mental strength to keep going after that.”

Support Michael’s run at justgiving.com/teamskyforstroke More on the marathon at virginlondonmarathon.com

Half time: Farah won’t go the distance

GOING HALF THE WAY MO’S LONDON MARATHON The London Marathon is the world’s largest, with 36,748 people finishing its 42.195km course last year, but one of them – the most famous – in this year’s 33rd running of the race is only going halfway.

Team GB’s 5km and 10km Olympic gold medallist Mo Farah will line up next to the likes of marathon world record holder Patrick Makau, Olympic champion Stephen Kiprotich and world champion Abel Kirui.

But he’ll be pulling up short ahead of going the whole distance next year – it’s the first time the London Marathon’s allowed someone to enter with the intention of not finishing.

Farah will be looking to break his own British halfmarathon record set in New York. A full marathon would be too taxing ahead of the world championships late this year, at which he has unfinished business – he lost the 10km in Daego by 0.29 seconds.

tntMagazine.com

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: OLI JONES

oliver.jones@tntmagazine.com

Paolo Di Canio: pure box office?

Sunderland’s appointment of Di Canio is short-sighted Fascist or not, Sunderland are in a seriously precarious position

» Is Di Canio’s appointment a shrewd move? letters@tntmagazine.com 46

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The news that Digby Ioane has spoken out following his dropping from the Queensland Reds game against Western Force after a bar altercation tweaked both my optimism and cynical synapses this week.

The powerful centre is perceived by many to belong to a clique of precious and disruptive Wallaby players, including James O’Connor and Quade Cooper. Players with remarkable natural talent, that would see them walk on to most international teams, who have lived their entire careers in the professional era, and, as a result, behave more like molly-coddled brands-on-legs

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Players are mollycoddled brands-on-legs

”

than rugby players. Ioane last week said his punishment for the bar brawl had been a “wake-up call”. Let’s hope his work as an ambassador for a Cerebral Palsy League and the responsibility he claims he now feels as a role model for the kids playing in it, isn’t a ploy. I’m willing to believe him and here’s hoping others follow his lead.

Photos: Getty

“Pure box office” – that’s how former Swindon chairman Jeremy Wray described his ex-team’s former manager. And the first week of Paolo Di Canio’s tenure as Sunderland manager has done nothing if not prove Wray right.

The red tops and broadsheets have been fizzing with stories probing the 44-year-old’s past, alleging links to far-right groups and adherence to the precepts of Fascism. Initially Di Canio refused to answer questions on the subject. In the past, the Italian is reported to have said he was “a fascist but not a racist”, which to many is like saying: “I’m a golfer but I’m not a bore”; one necessitates the other. He finally distanced himself from the hateful ideology after pressure mounted on the club.

Sunderland published a statement from Di Canio on its website stating: “I am not a racist and I do not support the ideology of fascism. I respect everyone. I am a football man and this and my family are my focus. Now I will speak only of football.” Well, that’s that then (except we all know it won’t be). I deeply hope that for the sake of Sunderland – a proud club built on the northeast’s longstanding traditions of community and inclusiveness – Di Canio was appointed for footballing reasons, rather than to bolster the club’s profile.

The sacking of Martin O’Neill, who, regardless of Sunderland’s position, undoubtedly remains one of the most formidably talented football manager’s this country has produced in the past 20 years, was almost impossibly poorly timed. The Sunderland board can only have been hoping that the typical three-game bounce by the appointment of a new manager more-or-less always generates would pull them to safety.

With Wigan on their now almost traditional late season surge, and the Black Cats just a point above the dropzone, the 18th spot, the Premier League’s worst position is yet to set its sights on a victim, and despite Di Canio’s appointment, Sunderland are in its crosshairs.

IOANE EXAMPLE TO AUSSIE BRAT PACK

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05/04/2013 14:00:25

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Anzac Day BBQ In association with

Commemorate with Elk Bar, Fulham Thursday, April 25 12noon till Late EVENT DEATILS Two Up Tournament AFL Screening Live Music DJ Entertainment Anzac biscuits and BBQ food Drink specials Prize Giveaways FREE VB ON ARRIVAL WHEN YOU PRE-REGISTER AT

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IMAGE OF THE WEEK

Performers take part in a lively dance routine during the Easter carnival parade in Lagos, Nigeria.

DEEP SCOTTISH LOVE WE DON’T NEED TO SAY ANYTHING. OUR CUSTOMERS SPEAK FOR US

“Without a doubt the best week I’ve had in the UK so far…”

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05/04/2013 11:49:25

TRAVELDIARY Helen Elfer

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Raucous: Queen’s Day in Amsterdam

TRAVEL EDITOR

WHERE THE HELL IS GARY BARLOW? I’ve always wondered if I was being unfairly judgemental about cruises.

Despite the abundance of trendy music fests-on-sea and the like (hello S.S. Coachella), I’ve never been able to shake the impression that they’re for people who are, well, a bit daft. After all, what kind of person chooses to spend their precious holidays trapped on what are essentially giant floating suburbs? (Ooh, it’s got a cinema and a bar! Yup, so does Croydon. Doesn’t mean I want to spend a fortnight there). But now I realise that my snotty attitude is in fact completely spot on.

The evidence? Online cruise travel agency bonvoyage.com has revealed the most mental complaints received from customers last year. One man took a summer cruise around Alaska, which you might agree, isn’t known for its sizzling temperatures. Nonetheless, he was incensed to find the weather as chilly as it has been every day for the last couple of millennia, and wrote to inform staff that “all cruises are meant to be hot”, and he had been unable to “get an impressive tan” as planned.

My heart also bleeds for the lady who heard that Gary Barlow once went on the same Hawaiian cruise as her. She spent her holiday looking out for him, and when he didn’t materialise, demanded to know why he was spending his holidays elsewhere this year. We’ve all suffered the pain of dashed expectations on our travels, and agree this really is an unacceptable level of service. So Gary, if you’re reading this, drop me a line and let me know where you’ll be getting away from it all this this summer.

Your nuttiest fans will be ready and waiting on board for you...

about it at helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

We may have made Queen Liz proud with the four-day diamond jubilee festivities last year, but when it comes to royal celebrations, 30 Amsterdam has us licked. Each year, the city is decorated in bright orange for a mammoth street party to celebrate Queen Beatrix’s birthday. This year is set to be even more riotous as she is abdicating the throne this spring.

APRIL

WHY: Traditionally this festival falls on the monarch’s birthday. But Queen Bea chose to keep her mother’s April 30 celebration date because there’s usually crap weather in the Netherlands in January, when she was born.

She was afraid the Dutch wouldn’t be able go outdoors to party. How very thoughtful.

WALPURGIS NIGHT Germany

Join thousands of witches and warlocks as they gather 30 in a bacchanalian frenzy at the top of Brocken Mountain. The town of Thale attracts 35,000 pagans and curious onlookers each year for a night of mystical mischief.

APRIL

germany.travel

BATH IN FASHION UK

Perhaps when you think of fashion in Bath, Ancient 13-21 Romans’ swinging leather skirts and plumed helmets spring to mind. But fast forward 2000 years, and the city is home to a mega fashion fest including catwalk shows, workshops and exhibitions.

APRIL

bathinfashion.co.uk

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DO IT BECAUSE: Amsterdam will be transformed into one giant rager, so don an orange T-shirt and get involved. Try and nab a spot on one of the sailing parties on boats that drift around the canals, crammed with people drinking and dancing. iamsterdam.com

RAINBOW WEEK

Japan

Tokyo’s LGBT Pride celebrations last a 27-6 whopping 10 days. Expect film screenings, picnics and parties, plus a mega parade on April 28 that starts at Yoyogi Park and will feature some seriously wild costumes.

APR-MAY

tokyorainbowweek.jp

WORLD TRIVIA COMP

US

So you know that a shark is the only fish that can blink 19-21 with both eyes and how many licks it takes to get to the centre of a Tootsie pop? This competition is your chance to show off. More than 30,000 aficionados of all things trivia unite for 54 straight hours of quizzes.

APRIL

90fmtrivia.org

Photos: Getty

Ever been on a cruise? Write in and tell us

QUEEN’S DAY Netherlands

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pay as you weigh Anyone carrying a few extra pounds now has an extra incentive to shift them – to reduce the cost of travelling as well as their waistlines. Samoa Air has become the world’s first airline to introduce a pricing policy which charges passengers by body weight, leading to speculation that other carriers will soon follow suit. The policy will mean passengers have to enter their own weight along with that of their baggage when they book. The combined weight will then be used to calculate their fare. There’s no point in fibbing about it, either – customers will be weighed at the airport to check their claims. Gulp. Chief executive of Samoa Air, Chris Langton, said: “This is the fairest way of travelling. There are no extra fees in terms of excess baggage or anything, it is just a kilo is a kilo is a kilo”.

maldives boycott After a 15-year-old rape victim in the Maldives was sentenced to 100 lashes for having ‘premarital sex’, human rights campaigners are calling for a boycott of the popular holiday destination. A petition on global campaign site Avaaz.org has now got nearly 2 million supporters in defence of the girl, who reported that she had been repeatedly raped by her stepfather and said she was abused by a number of other local men. The campaign is calling for supporters to help “threaten the islands’ reputation through hardhitting ads in travel magazines and online”.

Alitalia fined Italian airline Alitalia has been fined an eyewatering £83,000 after refusing to compensate passengers who had their flights cancelled. Two customers complained to the US Department of Transportation (DOT) that they had been deceived by the company’s website about their rights to compensation. Alitalia falsely claimed that it had the right to refuse to compensate passengers travelling to the US for delayed or cancelled flights, the DOT said. According to the Associated Press, half the fine will be dropped if Alitalia follows the US rules on delayed and cancelled flights for a year.

india tourism down Perhaps unsurprisingly, tourism figures in India have dropped dramatically after two widely reported attacks on female tourists and the rape and murder of a student in Delhi.

Figures taken from 1200 tour operators in India revealed that the number of foreign travellers was down by 25 per cent, with the number of female travellers down by 35 per cent. Almost three-quarters of tour operators surveyed reported that the booking cancellations came mostly from women from Britain, the United States, Canada and Australia, many of whom chose to visit Southeast Asia instead.

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Wild ride: admiring the ‘green and pleasant land’

Best biking routes uk

Here and above: the UK offers quaint country roads and challenging bends for keen bikers 52

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Take a break: see Tintern Abbey in Wales

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UKTRIP

Hitting the road Born to ride? Hop on a motorbike and go exploring coastal towns and scenic countryside on some of Britain’s very best roads WORDS SIMON WEIR

Motorbiking has it all: the glamour, the speed, the leather... so what better way to explore Britain than by roaring through it on a two-wheeled beast? Simon Weir has revealed some of the best routes to take in his new book Bikers’ Britain. Here, he shares his top picks.

Coastal cracker, East England The glorious North Norfolk Coast has everything: sun, sea, cracking corners, chip shops, fresh crabs ... in fact, there’s absolutely nothing about this part of the East Anglian coast that isn’t a delight. There’s something for everyone, from the traditional seaside resorts of Cromer to the chic eateries of the Brancasters and Burnhams or the achingly beautiful, windswept beaches and sleepy fishing ports.

But for us, the real joy is the road that strings it all together. The A149 is one of those magical roads that works however you want to ride it. Tight in places, narrow and demanding, it’s fiendishly challenging and rewarding for a brisk blast, with many great seaside stops along the way.

ROUTE: Take the A149 from Hunstanton to Cromer. The distance is 36 miles and takes about one hour.

Photos: Thinkstock, Getty, Mark Manning

Tryweryn Valley, North Wales You get several rides for the price of one with this popular North Wales biking road. There are shady wooded stretches, twisty climbs and some wide-open stretches hugging the windswept moors west of Llyn Celyn. It’s generally blissfully quiet as well.

Over the years it’s been a popular road for biking magazines’ photo shoots. That’s at least partly thanks to the spectacular scenery, which sees photographers rubbing their hands with glee. With the majestic hills delivering a spectacular backdrop, it’s a perfect place to show bikes looking great. It’s a flawless road to ride as well – some fast, fast corners make every machine feel incredible.

ROUTE: Take the A4212 from Bala to Trawsfynydd. The distance is 17 miles and takes about 20 minutes.

Tree-lined rollercoaster, South East Wales Ever seen classic black-and-white WWII film, Ice Cold In Alex? After slogging across the baking desert in a battered ambulance, a captain leads his small team to a bar in

Alexandria where they’re rewarded with an ice-cold beer, seen in mouthwatering close up, condensation beading the sides of the glass. Well, this road is often a bit like that beer – beautifully reviving. It’s a tree-lined rollercoaster of a road rushing along the banks of the River Wye on the very edge of the Forest of Dean. It’s always quieter than the motorways, but it can still get busy at times – especially with tourist traffic, usually heading for the spectacular ruins of Tintern Abbey.

ROUTE: Take the A466 from Monmouth to Chepstow. The distance is 16 miles and takes about 25 minutes.

The Queen’s Way, Scotland This is a spectacular road – so beautiful that in 1977, to celebrate Queen Elizabeth II’s silver jubilee, the Forestry Commission named the stretch from New Galloway to Newton Stewart The Queen’s Way. Cutting through aromatic forests, it rises and falls across a landscape that could have been designed for making brilliant biking roads.

The eastern half, from New Galloway to Crocketford, is more flowing, sweeping across quiet countryside between drystone walls, fields studded with smaller stands of trees shading every kind of corner. But the best bit is the way every corner heralds another unexpected view.

ROUTE: Take the A712 from Crocketford to Newton Stewart.

The distance is 30 miles and it takes about 45 minutes.

Hypnotic cocktail, North England This could be the poster road for the joys of riding in Lincolnshire. It’s a road that has it all, a hypnotic cocktail of sweeping bends punctuated by tight corners. There are open straights across flat farmland, tighter wooded sections and sweeping elevation changes as it scrambles over the Wolds to Louth. It’s a real rider’s road – no wonder the biggest bike meet in the area is on the A631.

ROUTE: Take the A631 from Gainsborough to Louth. The Spookiest spots: distance is 33 miles, 45 mins.

NEXT WEEK

Bikers’ Britain by Simon Weir is out May 1, priced £12.99 theaa.com

We go exploring England’s dark side

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A 20-day tour of Africa costs £207.50 with Absolute Africa

DEAL OF THE WEEK ibiza bargain

£154

A seven-night stay with easyJet (0843 104 1000; easyJet.com/holidays).

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Sail Croatia A seven-night sailing and cycling holiday is £459pp with Sail Croatia (0800 193 8289; sail-croatia.com) Includes half-board, private on-board cabin accommodation, bike hire and cycle guide, plus trips to Hvar, Korcula and more. Excludes flights. Valid for travel April 27.

Greece A seven-night stay costs £299pp with easyJet (0843 104 1000; easyJet.com/holidays).

Includes direct return flights and fourstar, B&B accommodation at Hotel Zakantha Beach in Argassi.

Departs London Gatwick on May 9.

Croatia An eight-day sailing tour costs £309pp (save 50 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Includes private boat accommodation, some meals and visits to Split, Hvar and more.

Excludes flights. Book by April 30.

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> £500 Thailand A 10-day tour costs £446pp (save £79pp) with Geckos Adventures (0845 8639723; geckosadventures.com). Includes camping and jungle guesthouse accommodation, some meals, visits to Bangkok, Khao Sok National Park and more. Excludes flights. Book by April 12.

Departs every Sunday until August 25.

Berlin A three-night break costs £200pp with STA Travel (0800 988 0390; statravel.co.uk). Includes direct return flights and room-only accommodation at the four-star Excelsior hotel. Valid for travel until May 1. Departs London Heathrow.

Dubai A five-night stay costs £585pp with STA Travel (0800 988 0390; statravel.co.uk) Includes room-only accommodation at the fivestar Habtoor Grand Beach Resort. Price based on two sharing. Valid for travel from June 1 until November 15. Departs London Heathrow.

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Algarve A seven-night trip costs £218pp with easyJet (0843 104 1000; easyJet.com/holidays).

Includes direct return flights and fivestar, B&B accommodation at the Agua Hotels Riverside Resort & Spa in Portimao. Price based on two people sharing. Departs from London Luton on April 22.

Gran Canaria A seven-night stay costs £155pp with easyJet (easyJet.com/holidays; 0843 1041000). Includes self-catering accommodation at the Tisalaya Park Apartments in Maspalomas. Price based on two people sharing. Departs from London Gatwick on April 24.

Africa A 20-day tour costs £207.50pp (save 50 per cent) with Absolute Africa (0208 742 0226; absoluteafrica.com). Includes camping and dorm accommodation, some meals, park entrance and game drives in the Masai Mara, Nakuru National Park and Queen Elizabeth National Park plus the Giraffe Park, Lake Naivasha and Lake Victoria. Price excludes flights and local payment.

Departs April 27.

Amsterdam A two-night stay costs from £192pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes return flights and four-star, B&B accommodation at the Fashion hotel. Departs from London Luton on April 21.

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PATRICIA MONTENEGRO Talks travel photography

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ICELANDIC HORSE Alex Moore, Australia

SUMMER PALACE, BEIJING Joel Streltschenko, Australia

WHY IT WORKS Alex did well here to capture both the foreground and the background in dramatic fashion, achieved by having the settings on a low aperture. “It was amazing how an animal so awesome could survive in a landscape so rough,” says Alex, who snapped the pic at the side of a road while driving during a trip to Iceland. “I wanted to capture the clouds rolling in the background, and the horse’s longer hair flowing with the wind,” Alex added. Mission accomplished.

WHY IT WORKS This shot was taken of Kunming Lake at the stunning Summer Palace in Beijing, when the lake had frozen over. It’s interesting to see this seasonal retreat – a gorgeous collection of gardens built for the country’s emperors – looking so moody in the wintry light. “On the right is the Marble Boat, which is fixed in position constantly,” Joel explains.

“I found it interesting that the man was walking casually along the ice, oblivious and unmoved by the incredible surroundings.”

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Files must be at least 500Kb.

ULTRA MUSIC FESTIVAL, MIAMI, US Hollie Hughes, from Australia

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TOP FIVE

1

rail journeys

Moscow to beijing

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There was once a time when travellers didn’t have to get manhandled by frisky airport security just for forgetting to take their watches off. Luckily, this type of more relaxed travel still exists, so why not try an old-fashioned train ride to your next destination? You can see what actually exists between point A and point B, getting to know the landscape of a country from the comfort of your seat, and often even the locals who come and go en route.

The Trans-Mongolian journey between Moscow and Beijing is one of the most popular rail trips on any traveller’s bucket list. It runs along the world’s longest railway, the TransSiberian, which is a staggering 9289km and spans seven time zones. This particular journey gives passengers the chance to experience the scenery of the East at any time of year, meaning you won’t necessarily have to cram a furry ushanka hat into your suitcase.

The development of the TransSiberian line began under the reign of Emperor Alexander III, who

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contemplated its construction for 25 years before ordering his son, Nicolas, to build the railway. Nicolas even laid the first rock and silver plate in the ground himself. He left the difficult task of blowing up mountains and manoeuvring tracks around frozen lakes to the builders, who managed to lay 600km of track each day with their frostbitten fingers.

The weekly train from Moscow to Beijing leaves every Tuesday evening and takes six nights to travel 7621km.

The first days are spent winding through Siberia, where heavy industry, wooden houses and endless birch trees provide much of the scenery. You’ll stop at Irkutsk to see Lake Baikal, before continuing on to the mountains that border Mongolia. The journey continues through the Mongolian capital, Ulaanbaatar, where you’ll make a quick stop, through the stark Gobi Desert, then rolls into Beijing.

Prices start at £555 for a one-way trip in a second-class cabin. trans-siberian.co.uk

THE RUSKI HUSKI Moscow to Beijing

Enjoy a tradional winter Trans Siberian/ Mongolian experience, boots and all!

17 DAYS

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mumbai to Delhi

Is the Indian Maharaja Deccan Odyssey a train or a dramatic Bollywood movie on wheels?

Either way, we’re not complaining.

The route connects Mumbai and Delhi via Rajasthan, and takes a week, so your journey could include cave excursions at Ajanta, a jungle safari at Sawai Madhopur and, of course, that all important photo op at the Taj Mahal.

Packages are from £375pp based on shared occupancy. theindianmaharaja.co.in

Photos: Thinkstock; Getty

4

St Moritz to zermATT

The Glacier Express is a giant misnomer if ever there was one.

It’s not clear why the creators of this train, which is one of the slowest in the world, decided to give it such a zippy name. At the glacial pace of 36kmph, this train takes nearly eight hours to cover 290km – but what a journey.

The train rises and plummets nearly 1600m, through mountains, passing the Lake Lucerne and the glaciers of the Valais region. A one-way secondclass ticket costs £120. swisspasses.com

3

cusco to Machu Picchu

Contemporary: the Park Hyatt

The Expedition train, which takes budget travellers from Cusco to Machu Picchu, used to be called The Backpacker, and despite the name change still has cheap tickets and extra rack room for bulky rucksacks.

The three-hour journey begins from Poroy in Cusco before winding 80km through the Sacred Valley, the Andean foothills, and then following the path of the Urubamba river to the 15th-century Inca site. Tickets from £40 one-way. perurail.com

5

Seattle to Los Angeles

Travel in West Coast style from grungy Seattle to glamorous Los Angeles in the most eco-friendly way possible.

The parlour cars in the Coast Starlight have been refurbished with 127cm plasma monitors to celebrate the region’s love of the silver screen. When passengers aren’t having late-night movie viewings, they can watch the northern forests, snow-covered peaks, rural dairy farms and Pacific shoreline pass them by on this 35-hour journey.

Prices start at £122 one-way.

Park hyatt saigon overview Slap bang in the middle of the hustle and bustle that is Ho Chi Minh City (that’s HCMC to travel folk), Park Hyatt Saigon is one of the more swanky choices for a stay in the city. Based in Lam Son Square, this five-star pad boasts contemporary Vietnamese design. There are plenty of dining options nearby, including everything from the hotel’s own set of super eateries (try Square One for Vietnamese and Western dishes) to street food in the surrounding area for the more adventurous gastronomist.

Wow factor The pool area comes complete with a miniwaterfall, sun loungers so comfy you could sleep on them and a pool bar. If you’re not careful you’ll spend your entire holiday here rather than looking around HCMC. rooms Luxuriously decorated, with expansive double beds so big you could fit an entire tour bus of sightseers in them (note: this might be a slight exaggeration). The powerful rain showers are absolutely heavenly, too.

Bill please Double rooms start from £167pn.

saigon.park.hyatt.com

amtrak.com/coast-starlight-train

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TRAVELTIPS

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THE INSIDER: RAIL TRAVEL

Sustainable: bucket-list Machu Picchu

KAREN MCLELLAN Managing Director Rail Europe

YOU ASKED FOR IT...

LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

Q I am going to Peru later in the year to do the Inca Trail and would prefer to do the trek with a local company so my money stays in the community. Do you have any suggestions on who to do this trek with and any other treks in Peru worth considering?

Leigh Furner, via email A This is a really great question Leigh, as

READERS’ TIPS ON MOTORBIKING TIGHT CORNERS If you’re riding in a group, give each other plenty of room, especially when you’re taking corners. It can be dangerous to bunch up as there’s a much greater chance of collision.

Simon Jenks, via email LOVE YOUR LEATHER When investing in a leather jacket, make sure it’s quality, thick material, otherwise it won’t protect you.

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the Inca Trail is enormously popular among travellers, so it’s really important to consider our impact on the local population. You can only hike the Inca Trail in an organised group, run by licensed guides. Given that you have to walk the route with a group, it is essential to choose your tour group carefully as the standard of equipment and food as well as the expertise en route will be determined by this.

Peru Treks and Adventures (perutreks.com) is recommended by both our authors and travellers on our Thorn Tree forum. The company pledges to give back to the community and safeguard porter welfare; something which can be an issue on the Inca Trail.

Porters work long, tiring days carrying trekking groups’ equipment and food, and sometimes their welfare is a low priority for tour companies who are looking to maximise profits, so porters can be left with little or no food or accommodation on the route. Peru Treks and Adventures pledge a minimum wage and a maximum weight of loads for the porters, along with sufficient food, clothing and insurance.

A proportion of the company’s profits also goes into community projects, such as providing equipment and computers for schools.

What’s the best part of rail travel?

I love the relaxation aspect. You simply arrive at the train station, board, sit back and relax, watching the countryside whizzing past as you leave one city and arrive in another.

Top train journey?

For the combination of spectacular scenery and efficient, comfortable, clean trains, I’d choose Switzerland.

It’s hard to beat the scenic routes that run through the mountains.

Any tips on getting cheap rail tickets?

Most European trains can only be booked three to four months in advance. To get the best fares, work out when your train will be available to book, and get your tickets then. raileurope.co.uk

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03/04/2013 14:54 05/04/2013 15:10:11

Best of both: Niceâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Bay of Angels is just minutes from the city centre [Caption]

City beaches Europe

Clockwise: bevvies on the beach; gothic La Sagrada Family Church; Copenhagenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Little Mermaid; work beachside cool in Barcelona 60

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Sun, sea, sand and city Why choose between a beach break and a city stay when you can have both? Head to these sunny spots to get two holidays in one Words Helen elfer

No need to sacrifice a few days lounging on the beach just because you’re going on a city break. Europe has plenty of sandy stretches where you can spend the day relaxing and soaking up some rays before heading into town for all the nightlife, culture and activities that the continent’s coolest cities have to offer.

Nice The Baie des Anges (Bay of Angels) curves right from the airport to the Chateau Hill, and as far as views go, is a real winner, with boats zipping about in the sparkling blue seas, and palm trees lining the Promenade des Anglais. It’s a twominute walk from the promenade to the city’s main square, the Place Masséna, where there’s always plenty of buzz during the summer months. The square is at the centre of the new town and surrounded by restaurants, bars and shops.

Further inland Nice’s multitude of contemporary art galleries and museums are enough to keep anyone busy – stop in at the MAMAC (Musée d’Art Moderne et d’Art Contemporain), which showcases American and European avant-garde work, and the Théâtre de la Photographie et de l’Image.

DO: Wear big hats and small cossies to fit in with Nice’s chic residents – that goes for gents as well as ladies.

DON’T: Hit the coast without a thick towel – the pebbly beach takes some getting used to.

GET THERE: Fly from London Gatwick to Nice from £46 return with easyJet (easyjet.com).

there are heaps of scammers that hang around the beaches.

DON’T: Miss out on a night on Las Ramblas, the city’s busiest street for drinking and clubbing.

GET THERE: Fly from London Stansted to Barcelona from £157 return with Ryanair (bookryanair.com).

Berlin Beaches are rarely mentioned as one of Berlin’s top attractions – which is a good thing really, as they’re one of Europe’s best-kept secrets. Manmade, obviously, there are stretches of sand to be found by canals, rivers and even on rooftops, but don’t picture yourself lying around in the blazing sun for days on end. For a start, there isn’t that much blazing sun in Germany’s capital, but more pertinently, these sandy stretches are more of a backdrop for trendy beach bars – how very Berlin. YAAM, which stands for Youth African Art Market, is a relaxed beach club and community centre, while Strandgut has a more polished vibe, with deckchairs and DJs playing on the sand. Of course the bonus of an urban beach is that you’re always just minutes away from the city’s ››

Barcelona Don’t expect to avoid the crowds here during the warmer months as Barcelona’s beachy brand of urban cool brings tourists flocking. In other words: the restaurants are full, the bars are full and as for the beaches – well at Barceloneta, the closest to the city centre, every last inch is crammed with sun-worshippers, ice-cream sellers, drummers and people playing volleyball and football. It’s all pretty manic, so when you need a break from beach life, take yourself into the city (about half an hour’s walk) for a tour of the iconic art nouveau architecture – no one should leave Barcelona without a peek at Gaudi’s famously unfinished church, La Sagrada Familia.

DO: Keep your wits about you – with that many relaxed (and often half-cut) tourists in one place, pickpocketing is rife and

Picturesque: Venice’s canals tntMagazine.com

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sights. Snap a pic of yourself at the Brandenburg Gate, or go up on the roof of the historic Reichstag, home of the German parliament, to get panoramic views of the city.

DO: Bring an umbrella, just in case.

DON’T: Ask where the sea is.

GET THERE: Fly from London Gatwick to Berlin from £54 return with easyJet (easyjet.com).

Best British Beaches coasts closer to home

Venice Canals and beaches. Who’d have thunk it? Once you’ve spent some time coasting the Venetian waterways on a gondola or admiring the imposing gothic architecture of St Mark’s Square, you can hop on a boat and 15 minutes later find yourself on an 11km stretch of pristine beach. This long island is Venice Lido. The more glamorous and cleaner parts are owned by hotels but there are large stretches of public beach at the northern and southern points too – these are open from June until August.

DO: Make the trip to see a side of Venice most tourists miss out on, and escape the crowds in the rest of the city.

DON’T: Visit in September, as the annual Venice Film Festival is held at this time, meaning the place will be packed with other tourists and prices skyrocket.

GET THERE: Fly from London Gatwick to Venice from £57 return with easyJet (easyjet.com).

Copenhagen Anyone’s who’s watched The Killing’s Sarah Lund creep around Copenhagen’s dark, rainy streets in pursuit of murderers might think that the TV series has scuppered any chance of the city becoming a popular beach destination. But at Amager Beach Park, an artificial island just off Denmark’s coast, there are almost five kilometres of gorgeous white beach. This is a great spot for watersports, as there’s a 1000-metre long rowing and swimming lane, plus kayaks available for rent. Back on the mainland, if you’ve still got the energy left, the sprawling Tivoli Gardens host everything from rollercoster rides to outdoor concerts.

DO: Have yourself a go on one of the world’s oldest wooden rollercoasters, Rutschebanen, while you’re in Tivoli Gardens.

It was built in 1914 – but try not to think about that when you’re plummeting down the steep bits.

DON’T: Wear a Sarah Lund-esque woolly jumper on the beach.

GET THERE: Fly from London Gatwick to Copenhagen from £72 return with easyJet (easyjet.com). ❚

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Want to make the most of the Great British Summer?

Take your towel (and umbrella) to one of these top coastal spots around the country Blackpool People might roll their eyes when you mention a trip to Blackpool, remembering miserable childhood holidays involving sandy sandwiches, freezing water and losing all your pocket money in the slot machines. But Blackpool’s miles of windswept beach are definitely worth a revisit if only for a coastal stroll. And of course if it’s pouring with rain, which is more than likely, there’s always the Blackpool Pleasure Beach to keep you occupied, complete with fairground rides such as the classic wooden Grand National or speedier Pepsi Max Big One. blackpoolpleasurebeach.com Bournemouth Another retro English seaside spot, Bournemouth’s beach is the perfect place to pitch up for the day armed with a coolbox of beers and a bucket and spade. The sevenmile stretch of golden sand has views of Purbeck and the Isle of Wight, and even the English weather doesn’t put off overseas tourists from visiting – last summer Bournemouth beat beaches in Italy, France and Portugal to be voted one of Europe’s favourite sandy stretches in the TripAdvisor Traveller’s Choice Awards. bournemouth.co.uk Brighton The beach at Brighton might be agonisingly pebbly, but that doesn’t stop southerners flocking here anytime there’s even a hint of sunshine on the weather forecast. But even when the sun isn’t quite blazing down, there’s still plenty to do on the coast here, from kayaking and paddleboarding on the waves, to wandering along Brighton Pier’s iconic promenade while munching candyfloss. The nightlife here is pumping, too. visitbrighton.com

Photos: Thinkstock, Getty

City sights: Berlin’s Brandenburg Gate

A rare sunny day in Brighton

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Flexi-time: check out the guns on Muscle Beach

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BIGTRIP

Lost in La La Land We encounter everything from the weird and wacky to the just plain tacky on a celebrity-spotting jaunt in sunny Los Angeles Words andrew westbrook

WHEN TO GO: Los Angeles is known for its year-round warm Los Angeles might be home to the stars, aren’t just beaches in LA, there are Baywatch weather, so there’s never a bad but trying to catch them is another story beaches. Not just shops, but Pretty Woman time to visit temperature-wise.

– to start with, you’re probably going to shops. And bars? Well, pick up any gossip mag However, during the time of the big in the world, and you’ll soon work out where need a bigger car. “You’ve got a compact, movie and music awards (Oscars wanna upgrade?” asks the car hire lady at the hottest ones are – anywhere with up-andand Grammys) in Feb-Mar, it can be coming starlets stumbling out the front.

Los Angeles airport. “No thanks, that’s what hard to get bookings.

I ordered,” I reply. The keyboard tapping Theme parks and recreation CURRENCY: £1 = 1.52 USD stops. Silence.

“Really? Okaaay,” she adds, staring for just (US dollars).

I get started on my celeb-spotting mission at a little too long before frantically pounding one of the biggest star factories in town – ACCOMMODATION: Just at the computer. Going small is apparently Universal Studios. No film fan could leave this wanna catch some slebs? Book a not the norm in Los Angeles – a lesson I’m theme park and movie studio disappointed, stay at Hollywood International going to need to learn fast. I’m in town for but even with my expectations high, the rides Hostel, which is right in the middle of Hollywood Boulevard. Dorm beds still blow me away. Sure, some feel a little a TNT assignment that seems simple: to go in dated now (the Terminator 2 ride recently from £13.88pn. search of the stars. My odds seem favourable – after all, LA is the place that most of the closed for good) but the majority have me ushostel.com world’s big celebrities call home, right? screaming, laughing like a lunatic or simply SEE: discoverlosangeles.com So, unabashed by my smalI set of wheels, holding on as tight as I can.

I hit the road. But unfortunately, so has the rest of the city.

A real highlight is the Transformers 3D ride. I’m yet to Traffic flows along streets stretching five, six, seven lanes be convinced by 3D in the cinema, but rides are a whole wide each way. Cars weave in and out, indicating optional, different world. I’m thrown left and right, up and down, tailgating preferable, no lane obviously faster than the each time ducking and twisting, desperately trying to avoid next. It’s intimidating to say the least. But my LA buddies on the Autobots and Decepticons as they enthusiastically get the ground told me I’d be insane to even attempt the city stuck into World War 3 around me. Behind me a child hollers without my own car. And now I can see why. in horror, his mum screaming, “Take off your glasses!”

Nerves suitably jangled, it’s back into the blazing sun The fast and the curious for a cool-off on the Jurassic Park log flume. Around we go, dodging the dinosaurs, always edging our way higher, The city sprawls as much across southern California as it does higher, higher. When the drop eventually comes, the turning our cultural psyche. Even if the buses and metro are now of the stomach is made even tighter by the perfectly timed up to scratch, the distances are big, and besides, it’s often lunging T-Rex on the summit, making the rush of the fall and the streets themselves – Rodeo Drive, Sunset Boulevard, the inevitable soaking all the sweeter.

Mulholland Drive – that conjure up the most excitement But of course Universal is not just about the rides. Perhaps among visitors. more fascinating is driving through the sets on the studio I give the map the briefest of glances and the names tour: I pass the eerie plane crash from War Of The Worlds jump out – Santa Monica, Bel Air, Compton, Venice Beach, Pasadena, Malibu, Hollywood, each sparking flashes of and Wisteria Lane from TV’s Desperate Housewives. It’s faces, scenes and lyrics drip-fed into the subconscious over disconcerting to see the fake scenes that look so real on a lifetime of movies, TV and music. The City of Angels. the screen – little more than huge painted boards with only Tinseltown. La-La Land. Whatever you want to call the empty sands stretching out behind. But while I do feel a little Californian capital of crazy, it’s hard to imagine a place closer to the Hollywood great and good here, my celeb count we think we know more about than Los Angeles. There remains on zero. I need to step it up. ›› tntMagazine.com

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Iconic: Baywatch-esque beaches; right: Shaq ‘n’ Shaunie O’Neal

Photos: Thinkstock, Getty, TNT, Discover Los Angeles Tourism

Walk on the wild side: a performer on Venice Beach and, left, go star-spotting in Hollywood Venice the menace The next day it’s onwards to the full-on freakfest that is Venice Beach, which has long been a major counterculture hub. Made famous by the Z-Boy skaters, White Men Can’t Jump basketball courts and open-air muscle gym once frequented by Arnie, the 2.5-mile strip is an all-day circus of performers, artists and fortune-tellers.

Down-and-outs hold out placards offering “shitty advice for $2”, while reclining stoners occasionally lift boards claiming they “work for marijuana”. Every 100 metres or so is a marijuana medical centre, places where for about £25 you can see a so-called green doctor, somebody who can legally prescribe you weed. Competition is tough so boisterous hawkers dressed in green scrubs urge you through the doors. Less tough, apparently, is getting approval from the doctor, with the list of required ailments including insomnia, anxiety and “many other disorders”.

But my only problem is still the fact I’ve still not got a celebrity spotting to call my own. With just one day remaining, it’s time for extreme measures. It’s time for the celebrity tours. I head downtown and quickly realise that just about every other vehicle belongs to Starline Tours, who’ve been stalking celebs for tourists since way back in 1935.

I figure they’re the ones for me.

Rangers. Clambering through the multitude of Spider-Men, Darth Vaders and Avatar characters also lining Hollywood Boulevard, hoping for tips in return for photos, I make it to my Stars’ Homes Tour bus, ready to accomplish my mission.

Off we go, up onto Mulholland Drive, taking in the views of the Hollywood Sign (recently saved from developers, incidentally, by none other than Hugh Hefner). We’re soon past Jason Statham’s new pad and looking out over Beverly Park, where the average price of a mansion is £15-40m, and

High on Hollywood thrills On my way to their base by Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, I stroll up Hollywood Boulevard, taking in some of the 2500 stars that dot the pavement, bearing the names of some of the biggest talents in history. There’s Michael Jackson, Charlie Chaplin and Houdini, as well as some of the real giants of entertainment, like the Rug Rats and Power 66

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Wet ‘n’ wild: Jurassic Park log flume

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05/04/2013 12:26:14

the likes of Charlie Sheen and Denzel Washington live.

It becomes hard keeping track of the A-list names. Ronald Reagan’s former house was where they filmed Fresh Prince?

Elvis’s old home was opposite Michael Jackson’s? Crazy!

Also abundantly clear is that imagination is key to the experience. A common theme develops – admiring and photographing random parts of houses. Well, gates. I get Ellen’s gate, which is next to Ringo Starr’s gate. And then there’s Sandra Bullock’s gate, which is opposite Cameron Diaz’s gate. I’m now an expert on gates. But no people.

It’s odd to say the least, but the tour is still strangely enjoyable, giving an eye-popping insight into the staggering wealth that Hollywood creates. However, I’m after people, so line up a second tour – one run by the infamous celebrity news site TMZ.com. These guys promise all the celeb hangouts. I’m sold, so it’s on the bus and back to Beverly Hills.

We pass Saks Fifth Avenue (of Winona shoplifting shame)

“

We pass the scene of Paris Hilton’s sex tape

”

and the Beverly Hills Courthouse (think Lindsay Lohan writing ‘Fuck U’ on her nails). We also pass the Four Seasons Hotel (of Paris Hilton’s sex tape) and L’Ermitage Hotel (think, er, Verne Troyer, aka Mini Me, sex tape). But we don’t see any famous people.

Until, hang on a sec, is that a murmur from the back?

Somebody’s been spotted on Rodeo Drive!

I look across the street and there she is, a famous-looking person waving at us! But no, it’s too late, the target ducks into a shop. Who was it, we ask? ”Shaunie O’Neal! The star of Basketball Wives!” Eh? “She’s the ex of NBA legend Shaq!” we’re excitedly informed.

Hmm, I think that’s a fail. ❚ A Universal Studios ticket is £52pp. universalstudioshollywood.com The Stars’ Homes Tour is £29pp and the TMZ tour is £32pp. More information at starlinetours.com

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