TNT Magazine / Issue 1552 by TNT Magazine

May 27-June 2 2013 Issue 1552 tntmagazine.com

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OUTDOOR LONDON Get outside for fests, films and gigs

SUMMER HOLIDAYS Our pick of epic trips to book NOW

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18/04/2013 16:22:26

LAURA CHUBB EDITOR laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER The weather might not quite be playing ball just yet, but London is about to enter into full summer swing. It’s officially the season for outdoor entertainment, when the idea of going indoors to do anything fun is just plain silly. So make the most of the Big Smoke’s al fresco frenzy – it comes but once a year. Flick to P6 for our rundown of don’t-miss events, from watching movies in a hottub on a Shoreditch rooftop to flying kites en masse at Streatham Common. See you outside!

THIS WEEK

LONDONDIARY DRINK & EATS

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LONDON SOUND

COMPETITION

CHATROOM VITALIC

LONDON SCENE

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FEATURES GET OUTSIDE!

The best of summer in the city, from rooftop cinema to a fruity boating lake

WHERE THERE’S A WIL ...

Aussie superstar Wil Anderson is in town to win over the Brits with his new show

BE A GOOD SPORT

DIARY

NEWS

UK TRIP

FREAKY FOOD

LATE DEALS

HOTSHOTS

The world’s weirdest eats, featuring a toilet restaurant and monkey waiters

TOP FIVE

SHORT BREAK

BIG TRIP

CLASSIFIEDS DESPERATELY SEEKING

87-89 90

Top teams and leagues in London for making new mates on and off the ﬁeld

SECRET ITALY

Living like a local in untouched Tuscany, with biking, wine and, um, more wine

SUMMER TRAVEL

Top tips for making the most of your time off – best big adventures on a budget

24 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Editorial Group editor Carol Driver Editor Laura Chubb Content editors: Sub/ Sport Michael Gadd Travel Helen Elfer Entertainment Alasdair Morton Web Oliver Jones Social media Dan Thorne Contributors Caroline Garnar Design and production Head of design and production Jon Cooke Design / picture editor Patricia Montenegro

LONDONDIARY

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Geeky: where there are nerds, there are often also biscuits

Sales Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Sales administrator Abby Nightingale marketing & events Marketing and events executive Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh tnt MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst Publisher TNT Multimedia Limited Distribution Emblem Direct Ltd Printed by Wyndeham Peterborough Limited News AAP SAPA NZPA Pictures Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 111 Cannon Street, London EC4N 5AR tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com sales enquiries

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Shhh... SECRET LONDON nerd nite shoreditch

Debate meets comedy during this evening where speakers, intellectuals and bods who know stuff take turns to talk about a subject they’re passionate about. For this London first – NN happens monthly in 30 cities around the world – the speakers will be: Professor Kevin D Jones talking about how “the internet is evil and could kill you”; Bryony Frost will instruct on building your own universe (using LEGO); and former freedom fighter Diana Nammi will talk about how to lose a revolution. Your job? To drink along. £6

Subscriptions and Distribution Caroline Penn 01603 559004

May 29, 8pm Paper Dress Vintage, 114-116 Curtain Rd, EC2A 3AH

All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

appetite festival

the london project

seven dials shopping night

This food and arts fest has something for everyone. “There’s a Tudor feast, pop-up poetry, fairytale tea parties, edible bugs, a real ale festival, a gourmet food fair and food walks,” explains fest opener chef Gennaro Contaldo. Something for all tastes and appetites, one might say. Some events are ticketed.

This National Trust initiative dispels the notion it’s just for ruraldwelling oldies, with a programme of London events including a Morden Hall Park beer fest, a croquet, boules and garden games weekend, a line-up of film parties in Hackney connecting Tudors to hippies and the National Tryst singles night.

Get kitted out for the summer in style at this one-night-only, 20 per cent off shopping night at 120 stores in Covent Garden. Designer gear galore will be marked down, and if it all gets a bit too much, there are loads of restaurants and bars also offering bargains to keep you fed and watered.

FREE

TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine. Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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June 1-30, times vary Waltham Forest, E17 Locations vary appetitefestival.co.uk

Old Street

£5+

Until June 9, times vary Various nationaltrust.org.uk/london

wegottickets.com/nerdnitelondon

FREE

May 30, 5pm-9pm Seven Dials, WC2 Covent Garden sevendials.co.uk

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Floating party: celebrating the capital’s canals

canalival

Regent’s Canal This crowd-funded floating carnival is exactly the sort of English eccentricity this little island does so well. Tired of the usual tent ‘n’ beer in a park events popping up all over the place? Then get down to this crazy endeavour where tunes will blare from a barge, as people take to the canal in all manner of dinghies, rowing boats and bespoke floating devices, G&T in hand, to party hard. Any funds left post-event will be donated to the Canal And River Trust Charity. Top work! FREE

June 1, from 12pm New North Road, N1

spacehive.com/theflotilla

airnadette

everest 1953

The self-styled greatest air guitar band in the galaxy are set to bring you an unfathomable and inimitable night of pop culture madness, as the six musicians take the greatest songs and films of all time and mix them into a live mash-up that tells you their rather unique story. A totally madcapped triumph.

Kiwi Sir Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay went down in the history books as the first people to set foot on the top of the world, the summit of Mount Everest at over 29,000ft high. This exhibition of 40 photos from the Royal Geographical Society marks the 60th anniversary of their iconic achievement.

£15.50

Photos: Drella Forever; Facebook

Angel

May 28 & 29, 9pm Udderbelly, SE1 8XX Waterloo udderbelly.co.uk

FREE

May 23-June 9, 11am-6pm Bargehouse Street, SE1 9PH Waterloo coinstreet.org

tntMagazine.com

Feeling fruity: Bompas and Parr created Kew Gardens’ Tutti Frutti boating lake

Outdoor London ‘Tis the season for rooftop shindigs and frolicks in parks. This year, add a fruit salad boating lake to the list Words laura chubb & alasdair morton If rowing a boat decorated like a fruit salad into a banana grotto under a giant gold pineapple has always been your idea of a perfect summer’s day out, well, this year you’re in luck. Among London’s outdoor offerings this sunny season – from rooftop film clubs to open-air theatre and fields of festivals – the Tutti Frutti boating lake at Kew Gardens has got to be one of the more bizarre. Part of the heritage site’s IncrEdibles fest, billed as a “voyage through surprising edible plants”, the colourful centrepiece has been created by culinary artists Bompas & Parr. That it’s a mite surreal should come as no surprise, then – these are the same folks who created a musical spoon specifically for eating Heinz beans with, using the principles of bone conductivity to transmit a specially composed soundscape into your inner ear as you munch. True story. Kew’s head of festivals, Vicky Brightman, explains: “It’s a piece of art that doesn’t exist without people – it’s really immersive, vibrant and bright. Even if you don’t want to get in a boat, it’s nice to watch other people on the water, and you can just wander onto 6

TNT_1552_06 6

Pineapple Island and relax.” She adds this is the first time Kew’s Palm House pond has been used as a boating lake since 1755, which means you can help make a piece of particularly odd history if you do decide to pick up a paddle. IncrEdibles, which also features a Global Kitchen Garden to show off more than 90 varieties of edible plant, is just one of the Unesco-listed botanic gardens’ summer specials, with Kew the Music and Kew the Movies also kicking off on the lawns on July 9 and Sep 12 respectively. Catching the likes of The Human League, Leona Lewis, The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Dirty Dancing here with picnic basket in hand will be a quintessentially English experience – “it really is an exceptional backdrop,” promises Brightman. More unique fairweather fun starting up soon comes courtesy of the excellent Bandstand Busking. Founded by a couple of guys from Edinburgh, Ian Sutherland and Tom Muirhead, back in 2008, what started out as a pet project – inviting up-and-coming bands to play acoustic sets at disused bandstands across London – has become something of a phenomenon, with major names

such as King Creosote, Emmy the Great and Mercury winner Speech Debelle all making appearances over the years. “On a sunny day we’ll get about 300 people turning up to watch,” reveals Sutherland, who adds he’s aiming to put on a busk a month throughout summer. “There’s this mini festival atmosphere, and it’s an intimate setting, sitting at the feet of a band playing acoustically. It’s really stripped back, really raw.” For now, Bandstand Busking is sticking to its original formula (setting up shows ad hoc and tweeting the details just before they start), but the concept is likely to progress. “I got an email from a guy in Mumbai this morning about starting it out there,” Sutherland tells us. “So watch this space.” We reckon they’re going global. MORE OUTDOOR LONDON ›› IncrEdibles at Kew Gardens. £16. Tutti Frutti Boating Experience is £4.50 for 30 mins, 10am-5pm. Until Sep 1. Victoria Gate, Kew Road Kew Gardens kew.org Bandstand Busking. Follow on Twitter for details of the next busk @bandstandbusks. bandstandbusking.com

tntMagazine.com

24/05/2013 12:09:11

Any change? Country star Caitlin Rose mid-busk

It’s bananas: a rower readies to enter the grotto

Sunday, July 28th 2013 5pm-11pm | Tickets £15 · TNT is celebrating its 30th birthday in association with Aussie star Ash Grunwald and top support acts · First 100 people to book tickets will be entered into an exclusive prize draw · Beach-themed fancy dress competition Stand ‘n’ deliver: an impromptu gig draws a crowd

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tntmagazine.com/30thbday 24/05/2013 19:00:33

brick lane comedy festival east end

streatham common kite day lambeth

The relocated, renamed Greenwich Comedy Fest moves from the historic parks of the Royal Navy College to Allen Gardens adjacent to the culture throb of the East End. Apart from that, it’s business as usual as the top comedians in the land – Alan Davies, Aisling Bea, Andrew Maxwell, Craig Campbell, Ed Byrne, Jarred Christmas, Rich Hall, and more – go for the comedy jugular in the Big Top. Add in live music in the bandstands, and street food galore, and you’re sorted.

This eye-catching event has kite demonstrations from Brighton Kite Fliers and Spectrum and Cascade kite display teams, with specialists The Highwaymen on hand with all kinds of kites for you to purchase and get in on the action with. There will also be homemade Asian cooking, a hog roast, and loads of smiley, community-focused goings on. Aah.

£20+

July 10-12, 6pm-11pm; July 13 & 14, 3pm-11pm E1 5EG Aldgate East bricklanecomedyfestival.co.uk

FREE

soho flea market soho This all-day event on Dean Street boasts market stalls alongside music and comedy. After its inaugural run last year it returns this weekend with a top notch line-up of creative stalls covering everything from fashion and art to home furnishings and food stalls, including Aussie deli Speck Mobile, stand-up Peter Halpin, plus Asya and Passport to Stockholm among the 10-strong musician line-up. The sort of shopping blokes can get on board with! FREE

June 2, 12pm-8pm W1D 3SE Tottenham Court Road

hoxton street market north london Part of the arts and community centre’s Beyond Barbican programme, this line-up of music, theatre and dance takes to Hoxton Street – the site of the weekly Saturday market – for a culturally diverse weekend in the city’s capital of cool. The Barbican’s programming the second day, too, but the schedule is still TBC. £TBC

July 13 & 14, from 10am Hoxton Street, N1 5LH Hoxton barbican.org.uk

TNT_1552_08 8

cityshowcasemarkets.com

regent’s park open air theatre north london

FILM 4 SUMMER SCREEN 2013 CENTRAL london

£23+ This beautiful amphitheatre (left) is perfect for catching one of the classics during this summer’s season, which includes The Sound Of Music and To Kill A Mockingbird.

£14.50+ A spectacular spot to catch an openair screening, Somerset House once again hosts this season of movies old and new, plus DJs and food. Bring your own blanket!

May 16-Sep 7, times vary NW1 4NU Camden Town openairtheatre.com

Aug 8-21, doors 6.30pm Strand, WC2R 1LA Temple somersethouse.org.uk

nike+ run to the beat half marathon greenwich

the globe lambeth

£49.50 This charity half marathon with music has tune stations along the 13.1-mile route, and a headline set at the Greenwich Park finish line to celebrate. This year’s line-up is still yet to be announced, but Calvin Harris and Tinie Tempah have played previous years. Sep 8, start time TBC TBC runtothebeat.co.uk

June 16, 11am-5pm Streatham SW16 streathamkiteday.org.uk

The Globe is a reconstruction of the theatre as it would have been in the Bard’s day – down to the lack of roof but with the addition of some nice draught lager – and is one of the finest places to get ’Speared. This summer’s season includes Macbeth and King Lear. £various

Until Sep 28, times vary SE1 9DT London Bridge shakespearesglobe.com

the rooftop cinema club across london This rooftop movie club has two venues in London – one in Kensington and one in Shoreditch – and screens some of the finest celluloid creations. Cult to comedy, action to romance, the line-up, including Ben Affleck’s Argo, Darren Aronofsky’s Requiem For A Dream and Ryan Gosling weepie The Notebook, takes in new releases, beloved oldies, and everything in between, as you settle in above the streets, surrounded by panoramic views. The Shoreditch venue also hosts silent disco nights and pub sports days. £12+

Until September, 9pm Queen of Hoxton, EC2A 3JX Liverpool Street The Roof Gardens, W8 5SA High Street Kensington rooftopfilmclub.com

tntMagazine.com

24/05/2013 12:09:22

dance nations dalston east london

open east festival stratford This two-day event is held in the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park in east London to honour the sound, style and attitude of the East End on the one-year anniversary of the Olympic Games. There’ll be a cutting edge Eco Design Fair, for all your sustainable needs, an Art Car Boot Fair, and a Real Food Festival. With pop-up theatre, music, comedy and more, it’s the best way to honour this most vibrant part of the capital. £9.50

July 27-28, from 1.30pm Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park, E20 2ST Stratford noordinarypark.co.uk

greenwich and docklands international festival greenwich A mental 10 days of UK and international outdoor arts incorporating theatre, dance and, above all, spectacle. Last year saw giant insects walking along the Roman Road and this year promises to be even more nuts. Bungee-assisted aerial dance group Wires Aerial Theatre (directed by Aussie Nigel Jamieson) kickstarts things with a stunning assault from the skies, As The World Tipped. £9+

June 21-29, various times Various Greenwich locations

There are loads of great places in London for an outdoors dip, such as Tooting Bec lido, which is the largest outdoor pool in the UK. If the English ‘summer’ is not quite warm enough for you, head to Hampton Pool – it’s outdoors, fully heated all year round and sees Midge Ure (July 26) and The Zombies (July 19) at its poolside concert series.

Photos: David Jensen; Todd Pacey; Anika Mottershaw; RBG Kew; Bompas and Parr

£5+

Various times and dates SW16 1RU Tooting Bec dcleisurecentres.co.uk Hampton Court TW12 2ST hamptonpool.co.uk

Greenwich

opera holland park west london

Posh, yes, but also beautiful and spectacular. So leave the suppositions at the door and embrace your inner horticulturalist at the world’s biggest annual flower show. Grab a glass of champers and strawberries, too, while you’re at it.

Get some proper culture in you for a change, in the shape of this opera al fresco series in the picturesque west London park. The operas taking to the stage include Puccini’s Madama Butterfly and Leoncavallo’s Pagliacci, performed in a double header. And yes, you can have a beer, too.

July 9-14, times vary Hampton Court, KT8 9AU Hampton Court hrp.org.uk

the scoop at more london south bank This Thameside outdoor arts space hosts comedy, theatre (Sherlock Holmes), film (Skyfall) and all manner of culturally appetising fare. Top work, Boris! FREE

Until Sep 27, times vary SE1 2DB London Bridge morelondon.com

July 13, from 2pm Gillett Square, N16 8AZ Dalston Kingsland gillettsquare.org.uk

festival.org

hampton court flower show southwest london £19

outdoor swimming across london

The hippest square in the hipster land of Dalston (the building in the corner is ambitiously called the Dalston Culture House) is the setting for these two days of live music and dance workshops. Full details are yet to be announced, but if last year’s absolutely packed programme is anything to go by, you’ll be spinning like the lead in the Street Dance movie before the day’s out. FREE

£12+

June 4-Aug 3, 7.30pm W8 6LU Holland Park operahollandpark.com

nomad cinema centrAL LONDON This roaming cinema visits Fulham and Forest Hill’s Horniman Gardens, screening the likes of School Of Rock, The Neverending Story and Stand By Me. £8.50+

Times and dates TBC Various whereisthenomad.com

HOT TUB CINEMA shoreditch An outdoor cinema at which you’ll stay warm whether the English summer hots up or not – why, this is genius! The ‘Summer of Tub’ kicks off on June 6 with a ‘Best of British’ season (think The Italian Job, Trainspotting) and will run all the way through ‘til September. It’s exactly what it says on the tin – a ticket gets you a seat in a hot tub on the roof of Rockwell House, and there’s barbecue food, cocktails and tub-side service to complete the luxurious experience. Can you think of a better way to take in a movie this summer? Thought not. £30+

From June 6, 6.30pm 10-14 Hewett St, EC2A 3NN Shoreditch High Street hottubcinema.com

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TNT_1552_09 9

24/05/2013 12:09:25

LONDONDRINKS

THE CROWN

@tntmagazine

Summer drinking: The Crown

PUB

Just around the corner from the heath in Blackheath Village and a stroll from Greenwich Park, The Crown is going to be bustling come the first rays of summertime. Outside, there are picnic tables for al fresco drinking, and inside is spacious with open fires for cosy nights in the winter. The decor is modern and, unfortunately, rather underwhelming – fake logs stacked up, huge mirrors and tall floor lamps make it seem as though you’ve just walked into someone’s living room – and doesn’t really befit its 16th-century history (it was a former inn), which is a shame. As such, there’s nothing really wrong with the venue per se, but its lack of charm and character means it’s knocked down from four stars to a lessinspirational three stars. THE GRUB Decent pub grub with a few fancy surprises – think feta salad with watermelon and pomegranate; hand-carved, home-cooked ham and eggs, served with chutney and chips; and mature cheddar cheese and bacon burgers. THE SCENE

There’s a good selection of wines from around the world, as well as a wide choice of Kentish cask ales and international lagers. BILL PLEASE Starters from £4.50; mains from £7.95; desserts from £3.95. Small glass of wine from £2.70; pint of beer from £3.54. VERDICT Worth checking out for a drink and pub grub if in the area. CAROL DRIVER BEHIND THE BAR

49 Tranquil Vale, Blackheath, SE3 0BS

crownblackheath.co.uk

Blackheath

THE WAPPING PROJECT

QUIRKY EATS

The mod-Euro food here is very good but it’s not the reason to come: the setting, a former hydraulic power station, with abandoned machinery and huge hooks hanging from the ceiling, is. thewappingproject.com

Dinner just isn’t dinner without a contortionist doing backflips around your table, right? Expect circus acts to sporadically burst into life throughout an evening at this Covent Garden eatery, serving Pan Asian grub. circus-london.co.uk

BEACH BLANKET BABYLON Inside an old Georgian mansion in Notting Hill, BBB’s interior is a fairytalelike mix of boho, French country chateau, Baroque and Rococo. Go to brunch for the best value. beachblanket.co.uk/nottinghill

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Photos: WikiCommons/ Dave Pape

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BITE SIZE

Down the rabbit hole: for a foodie wonderland

cheap feast For one of the best value feeds you’re ever likely to find in London, we absolutely have to big up the Backdoor Kitchen supperclub now booking for June 8. Hosts Rob and Fabio are cooking up six courses of sublime Italian and Spanish fusion cuisine, plus complimentary Aperol Spritz, for an audaciously reasonable £32 at their flat in south London. Having been stuffed within an inch of our lives with moaninducing treats at BDK’s recent night at Clapham’s The Jam Tree, we can’t recommend it enough. Get involved! backdoor47.wordpress.com

big food bash Not content with creating some of London’s most imaginative club nights (The Prohibition Party; The Blitz Party) and annual dandy sports day The Chap Olympiad, events maestros Bourne and Hollingsworth are now turning their capable hands to food. In a restaurant behind Exmouth Market, they’ll be curating Kitchen Party, which offers various pop-up dining experiences at a time, from edible installations to culinary performances (and, of course, eating). The programme is everchanging so check online for deets. Prices range from £15 to £50.

WHITE RABBIT MODERN BRITISH

pizza pie in the sky

The evidence that Dalston’s lifecycle as hipster hotspot du jour is reaching its nadir is mounting: White Rabbit is the first genuinely cool, pleasant restaurant to open in the area. This is bad news for Dalston’s hipsters – who hate genuinely nice restaurants, opting instead for dives, because, you know, they’re like, real and stuff – but great news for everyone else. White Rabbit’s spare industrial interior remains just the right side of tryhard, and the lowish ceilings, and glimpse of kitchen in the corner, give it an intimate feel. The grub White Rabbit, we’re informed by our waitress, makes absolutely everything on its menu from scratch (bar any cured meats), and encourages a sharing plates approach to dining (think big tapas with fewer dishes). The daily changing menu is broken into three sections: barbecue, wood oven and stove. Each dish arrives as and when it’s ready which turns the meal into a mini banquet of several overlapping courses. This is fine for two, but could soon become tedious if you’re a bigger group. We’re softened up with an almost movingly good chunk of homemade sourdough and whipped butter before our sardines with chimichurri arrive, followed by artichokes and pork loin, then steak and salad. Each dish is delicious and original, drawing together flavours I’ve seldom encountered together (think back to those sardines and chimichurri). The only blot on an otherwise unblemished meal is the side salad, which is sodden and salty.

It’s summer, so the only thing more exciting for foodies than a supperclub has got to be – why, a bleedin’ rooftop supperclub, of course! Forza Win offers just that, with drinks, pizzas from Pizza Pilgrims, dessert and live bands for £30 on a London rooftop between May 30 and Sep 21. Book online.

Behind the bar Were I to return I’d be inclined to opt for a beer given the diversity of the dishes and the Meantime London Lager on offer is a treat. Wine starts at £16.50 for a bottle and while the list dwells in Europe, it’s not extravagantly priced. Bill please Starters from £2.50; sharing plates from £8.50; desserts from £5.50. verdict Exactly the kind of place Dalston needs: exceptional food served by knowledgable staff in a relaxed atmosphere, and in a way that means you can try loads of different dishes and not feel like a naughty little piggy. Oliver jones

kitchenpartypopup.com

Dramatic cooking at Kitchen Party

THE SCENE

forzawin.com 15-16 Bradbury Street, N16 8JN

whiterabbitdalston.com

Dalston Kingsland

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Tragedy: tributes to Lee Rigby in Woolwich

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LETTER OF THE WEEK Re: doctored YouTube video claims media added a fake blood effect to Woolwich footage (tntmagazine.com): For goodness sake, a young man’s life has been taken away through a senseless, selfish, disgusting act. Now his family, friends and loved ones are mourning his loss, not forgetting his child will now grow up without his dad, and all people can do is speculate that this was a false flag. Ridiculous. Laura, via tntmagazine.com

COME TOGETHER

Re: Woolwich attack (tntmagazine.com): What went on was disgusting beyond belief, but it wasn’t due to race or religion. It was down to two young men who seem to have lost their way in life and somehow were brainwashed into thinking the actions they took would make a difference to the point they were trying to make. They got that wrong. It’s caused unnecessary bad vibes and negativity, which London doesn’t need. Just think back to last year when the nation came together so proudly as one – all the many beautiful races which make up the UK – in celebrating the 2012 Games. How proud we all were of being Londoners, whatever our colour and whatever our creed. As you know, being a Londoner, a true Londoner, is about being no different from one another. One city, one people, one love! Christian Simpson, via email

LAY OFF JULES

Re: ‘Sandwiched by a schoolboy – Julia Gillard got off lightly’ (TNT 1550): Alasdair Morton deserves a serve because he writes a lot of sneering, slimy, rubbishy tripe about the PM. Alasdair, what salary are you on? What salary is the PM on? Pull your head in. I rest my briefcase. Len Heggarty, via email

BIG LONDON LOVE

I’ve been following TNT’s campaign to improve the UKBA. First, I want to say I think it’s fantastic. But I think people are so upset because they so very much enjoy and love being in the UK, for one reason or another (the weather? The mushy peas?). As we think of the many challenges of the visa process, it’s important to always keep the flipside in mind. Danae Mercer, via email SOCIAL SUMMER SPORTS /31 TOP TUSCANY /56

Laura wins a three-day tour of Ireland with Shamrocker shamrockeradventures.com

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Tweet us @tntmagazine @melissamau Re: The best boroughs in London for ﬁnding romance (TNT 1552): Inferno’s anyone? @jpstacey @edfenergy getting much more stick for being confused with #EDL than for execs being jailed for spying on Greenpeace! @speakingclealy Quoted in @tntmagazine – woop!

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Chris White: Re: Aussie dad sets up camera to ﬁlm ghosts, instead catches his girlfriend having sex with his son (tntmagazine.com): Things that go bang in the night. Jason Brown: Re: above: Tasmania, still keeping things in the family! Daniel Fairclough: Re: Palestinians using tunnels from Egypt to smuggle KFC into Gaza: Why you would risk everything to eat this shit is beyond me.

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THE PhOEnix Foundation Electric Ballroom, Camden May 14, 2013 Photos: Patricia Montenegro More pics and tag yourself at facebook.com/tntmag

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Little green men: the ‘Day are back to rock the UK

festival

watch

electric daisy carnival

green day Emirates Stadium, N5 1BU Sat, jun 1 | Doors at 7pm | £45+

London Queen Elizabeth Park, E20 2ST. Stratford

July 20. 2pm-11pm

electricdaisycarnival.co.uk

Party producers Insomniac and Cream bring this electronic music festival (typical revellers below) to the Queen Elizabeth Park with a party-smashing line-up including Jagwar Skills, Tiesto, Sub Focus, Nero, Flux Pavilion, Avicii, and loads more. The curfew’s 11pm, so best get the afterparty sorted!

Green Day tried the ambitious release of three albums in three months last year – ¡Uno!, ¡Dos! and ¡Tre! – only for frontman and head honcho Billie Joe Armstrong to be shipped off to rehab himself clean just before the first’s LP’s premiere. He’s all sorted out now, the band are back and they’ll be making sure that the Emirates crowd go 10 shades of basket case mental this weekend. After Dookie became the biggest-selling album in the galaxy in 1994 (it outsold Nevermind in the Nineties), Green Day went from being scruffy San Fran punks to global superstars – then they stalled. Three follow-ups failed to match this lofty expectation, until American Idiot hit in 2001 and took the band to a new level, its concept album conceit winning them new fans outside the punk-rock mainstream, and then Broadway plaudits, too, after Armstrong took the album to the stage. Follow-up 21st Century Breakdown marked yet another fallow period – had they gone too far from their roots? Was the band destined for any sort of future? Had they got too old to still be dyeing their hair and prancing around on stage in the emo-kids’ garb? Last year’s ¡Uno!, ¡Dos! and ¡Tre! delivered the answers. Stuffed to the rafters with loud, brash, three-minute punk-ified bruisers, it showed there was still life in the band yet, and firmly restablished Green Day with their Bay Area heritage. Then Armstrong had a mid-show meltdown in Vegas and jeopardised it all. Fear not – they are back now, and they mean business! And they’ll probably play When I Come Around, too. Arsenal

events.arsenal.com

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NEW BAND

camden rocks GIG SAT, jun 1. 12pm-12am £22+

An all-day multi-venue rock fest in Camden that is not Camden Crawl, this weekend’s riff-tastic monster line-up includes The Yo-Yos, Dingus Khan, Therapy? (right), former Sex Pistol Glen Matlock, and loads of long-haired, leathered types headbanging away. Our aim is a pint at each show. Challenge accepted?

Photos: Getty; Kabik; Jodi Carot

Camden Town Various venues across Camden Camden Town camdenrocksfestival.com

maze summertime day rave

ritual

CLUB

sun, jun 2. 4pm-11pm £5+

sat, jun 1. 10pm-3am £12.50

For the hardcore party addicts out there, this all-day rave keeps things going up until Sunday night. Lee Brinx (Hot Waves/Hot Creations), Dexter Kane (Lower East), James What (Crosstown Rebels), Lee Edwards (Defected) and Tim Ross (Creche) and more will be spinning the tunes. Good luck on Monday morning!

The fourth show at this west London club night – held at Chelsea’s Stamford Bridge – has its strongest line-up yet. Plump DJs, Zinc, Eddie Temple Morris, and quirky mentalists The Correspondents line up to show you why this is one of the liveliest and fastest growing club nights in the capital.

XOYO 32-37 Cowper Street, EC2A 4AP Old Street xoyo.co.uk

Under The Bridge Stamford Bridge, Fulham Road, SW6 1HS Fulham Broadway rituallondon.com

the sound of change

10x10 series: 009 Paco Osuna

the parov stelar band

GIG

CLUB

GIG

sat, jun 1. 12pm £40+

fri, may 31. 10pm-10am £13+

fri, may 31 & sat, jun 1. 9pm-2am £24

Madonna, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Jessica Chastain and Freida Pinto will be among the presenters at this Chime for Change charity, which campaigns for education, health and justice for women around the world. Who’s performing? Oh, just Ellie Goulding, Beyonce, Florence + the Machine, Haim, and loads more.

Party collective Supernova and DJ agency DC7 are on hand to bring you Spanish techno legend Paco Osuna (above) and Italian house master duo Supernova, along with Gonzalez and Tekart, for the penultimate bash in the north London club’s birthday celebrations. Get your finest on, it’ll be one hell of a shindig!

Unique electric-swing-tinted electronica from this Austrian DJ-turned-genre-pilfering star. Now touring his sound accompanied by a full band, he sold out the Forum and Koko last time he hit London, and is back now in support of new long player The Invisible Girl. Prepare to be converted – the band is totally stunning live.

Twickenham Stadium Twickenham Whitton Rd, TW2 7BA rfu.com/twickenhamstadium

Egg 200 York Way, N7 9AX King’s Cross egglondon.net

The Forum 9-17 Highate Road, NW5 1JY Kentish Town mamacolive.com/theforum

wolf alice The buzz so far Low-fi electronica, indie jingle jangle, scruffed up MBVesque fuzz guitars and feedback, and grungy, punky spirit in there too – Wolf Alice have drawn their influences from far and wide. And yet it works: stunningly so. The north London quartet have been catching the ear since their debut single Fluffy in February, and have newbie Bros up their sleeves to hit ahead of fest season this summer. One to highlight on your beersoaked lanyard, for sure! The Critics say “Fluffy is everything you want in a good guitar-pop track” Samantha Sadler, neverenoughnotes.co.uk the plug Bros is out May 20 through Chess Club Records. Play The Lexington. June 4. £7.50 Angel thelexington.co.uk

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TICKETS TO PARACHUTE YOUTH & METALS AT KOKO We’re offering five lucky readers a chance to win a pair of tickets to one of two electro-dance nights at KOKO. Sydney’s Parachute Youth play Club NME on Friday June 7, and Melbourne band Metals play on Friday June 28. Let us know which show you want to win tickets for when you enter online. Enter at tntmagazine.com/competitions koko.uk.com

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Vitalic

The French techno-electro producer on his latest LP Rave Age, the Dijon scene and choosing when to party INTERVIEW alasdair morton

Your albums take a lot of different genres for inspiration – what did you grow up listening to? Most of my family was into disco and, more specifically, Italo disco stuff. They didn’t really know who [Italian producer] Moroder was but they were constantly playing his tracks and soundtracks. I think he is a big influence. Later I got into techno as I started to go out clubbing.

Rave Age has a broader appeal than previous LP Flashmob – did you set out to make a pop-friendly album? There was no brainstorming about what the album should be and who it should target. That’s not my approach to music or composing. I simply made the music that I felt like making at that moment. Why did you choose Fade Away as the second single from the record? It’s a very poppy tune. That track is a bit different from the rest of the album. It’s really pop and I thought it was obviously a single despite the fact that it is not really representative [of the album].

Stamina has a great video that warns in hilarious ways about the dangers of overeating – a man being attacked by a humanoid hamburger for one. Is healthy living important to you? The video was not my idea but I loved the script. And yes healthy living is important to me. I play sports and I do try to balance my excesses. But I love enjoying the good things that life can give me above all. What is life like on the road for you? I don’t party every night. Touring and playing are not always connected just with getting wasted. It’s more about performing and playing the show and making the people dancing enjoy your stuff. I am a kind of party monster too but I decide when I want to do it. How do you decide each album’s new direction when there are so many genres mutating by the week? That is exactly the thing – it is about not thinking just in terms of genres. I understand

Vitalic: aka Pascal Arbez heads to Brixton that with so much music everywhere and so many musicians out there it is difficult not to label everything. But as a musician if you get stuck into those questions [about what genre something is] you can lose a bit of yourself. Do you ever feel anxious that some people out there won’t get Rave Age’s change in sound? I think some of them don’t get it and that’s part of the game. And it is also part of the thrill and excitement when releasing a new LP. So I do get quite anxious sometimes, but I also think at the same time that if I do fail I can always make another one. And I remember it is just music, too, and maybe that’s not the most important thing in my life. You have favoured shorter, threeto four-minute tunes rather than 10-minute build up structures, especially so on Rave Age. When did you decide to take this approach? When I realised that it wasn’t relevant to make long intros anymore for my tracks. But then again, that might change again now because I am getting into longer songs again.

La Rock 01 off OK Cowboy was a crossover hit in 2001 featuring on compilations, soundtracks and even the

floors of rock clubs – how did you feel about the track having such genrecrossing success? All this was super and really intense. But it was like a slow explosion going on over two to three years rather than a regular BOOM! So it was all smooth and nice and I had the time to think about it and not freak out. How does having a relatively small town of Dijon as your home base influence your music? Dijon had a really intense techno life in the Nineties. It was hosting a lot of cool parties and we were a bunch of musicians that were playing almost every week in the summer months at small parties around the city. It was a really good time. Which LPs have you enjoyed this year? Recently I enjoyed the Suuns’ Images Du Futur. If you could tour with three other artists who would they be? Iggy Pop, before he made adverts for phone companies, Depeche Mode at the Violator time and Justice for the fun. Vitalic plays The Playground Festival. Jun 7 & 8. £35+ 211 Stockwell Road, SW9 9SL theplaygroundfestival.com Brixton

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Real bite: Neil Jordan’s new movie makes vampires deadly serious again

byzantium FILM review by Alasdair Morton Starring: Gemma Arterton, Saoirse Ronan | 15 | 118mins

the purge FILM Starring: Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey | 15 | 85mins

Unemployment is at one per cent, crime an all-time low: it’s a new USA. The catch? For one night a year crime is legal and anything goes. This home invasion horror thriller, from the guys behind Sinister, has a simple premise and, done right, could be a nasty shocker. Ethan Hawke’s the dad out to protect his family from the murderous masked viligantes outside. On general release May 31

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Director Neil Jordan (Interview With The Vampire) looks to reclaim the genre from the Twi-hard geeks and the vid-game hordes here with his latest, an excellent gothic yet contemporary bloodsucker reinvention. Gemma Arterton, a world away from her chirpy choirgirl in last outing Song For Marion, is Clara, a 200-year-old vampire and whore. Teenaged Saoirse Ronan, who turned down Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit for Jordan’s movie, excels too as her daughter Eleanor (their vampiric pasts explain away this minimal age difference), both hiding out in a British seaside town from mysterious vampires who won’t let them enjoy their eternal life. But is immortality really to be relished? Jordan and screenwriter Moira Buffini (adapting her own play A Vampire Story) serve up a literary-influenced vampire tale that questions the nature of love and the sacrifices it demands, as well as the merits of never-ending life lived without a soul (this is the sacrifice that must be paid if everlasting youth is to be found). As penance for this, Eleanor refuses to feed on the living, instead feasting on the terminally ill and those who have consented. There are new spins on accepted folklore – extending thumbnails aid the sucking of blood – as well as some classic rules (vamps cannot enter someone else’s house without invitation). Jordan revels in their ferocious, claret-splattered lives, in all their skin-puncturing, decapitating glory, and delivers a moving coming-of-age tale by the end, too. Forget Jacob, Edward and Bella – they’d be torn apart by this lot. Good for: Sensual, seductive and heartfelt, this is vampires for grown-ups.

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GIVE US A

PEACOCK & GAMBLE....

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

...Don’t Even Want To Be On Television Anyways. Known as the two nicest boys in comedy, Ray and Ed, as their mothers know them, bring their much lauded, totally loved, utterly ace, charmingly idiotic tour to the ol’ Big Smoke. Make sure this three-night residency is on this week’s to-do list. Soho Theatre 21 Dean Street, W1D 3NE. May 30-Jun 1. £10+ Tott Crt Rd sohotheatre.com

sensational butterflies

public enemy

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

Each year this hot and humid tent on the lawn of the Natural History Museum becomes home to hundreds of tropical crysali that arrive from around the world. You can step inside, marvel at the birthed beauties, and maybe catch one as it makes the journey from inside its hairy home to the outside world. Exceptional.

This 1882 drama is updated to the Seventies, as Nick Fletcher’s small Norwegian town medical officer threatens to reveal a secret about the contaminated public baths to the detriment of everyone else. Richard Jones’ interval-free production doesn’t always hit the mark but makes it very clear that self-interest rules. LK

Natural History Museum East Lawn, Cromwell Road, SW7 5BD. Until Sep 15. £3.60+ South Kensington nhm.org

The Young Vic Theatre The Cut, SE1 8LZ. Until June 8. £10+ Southwark youngvic.org

paul myrehaug What’s the show going to be about? A mix of true story telling and fun jokes about drinking… What was your strangest gig? In Iraq for the troops at a base in the north. We asked the commanding officer to turn up the show lights because the crowd couldn’t see our face. He said, “It’s fine but last time they did that it attracted mortars.” That’s fine, leave them low. Who inspired you to pick up a mic? Eddie Murphy. I watched Delirious 300 times as a teenager.

Photos: Johan Persson

What’s the funniest thing you have ever seen? When I was young we had to tranquilise our cat Peppy when we travelled on aeroplanes to visit family. There’s nothing quite as entertaining as a high cat.

the big wedding

the hothouse

FILM

THEATRE

Robert De Niro and Susan Sarandon head the all-star cast (Robin Williams, Diane Keating, Amanda Seyfried) as the long-separated parents of Ben Barnes’ to-be married son who must play Catholic for his loved one’s devoutly religious mother. An ensemble family comedy that sits alongside Bob’s Meet The Fockers roles rather than the mean and moody parts that made him.

After scaring everyone to death with his Macbeth reinvention, director Jamie Lloyd goes for laughs in his snappy Harold Pinter revival. Simon Russell Beale and John Simm star in this prescient black comedy about insubordination in an unspecified institution – but he ensures the reality of torture and misplaced authority isn’t lost. LK

On general release May 29

Trafalgar Studios Whitehall, SW1A 2DY. Until Aug 3. £10+ Charing Cross thehothousewestend.com

What’s your favourite joke? [American stand-up] Bill Burr’s joke about gold diggers. “I don’t know how you can sleep with a pensioner…. I would have to put their will on the headboard so you could see the things you’ll get when they kick the bucket.” The Comedy Tree, SW15 2TX. May 30. East Putney thecomedytree.com

£5+

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In disguise: Wil Anderson or KD Lang? 24

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Good Wil comes to town Stand-up Wil Anderson’s a Down Under superstar but yet to break through here. His show in Soho this week is about to change that Words alasdair morton

“It’s about 60 minutes of the funniest things I can think of, said in a row,” stand-up comedian Wil Anderson tells us somewhat modestly of his new show, GoodWil. Could he be more specific? “I guess it’s also a lot about the culture of feedback and how that can lead to a culture of complaint... but with dick jokes!” Aah, that’s more like it. Anderson has always been something of a contrarian, a stand-up equally at ease taking on big issues as he is delving into the filthiest jokes you can think of. He’s a “blokey”sometimes funnyman, as keen to challenge stereotypes as he is on living up to the matey Aussie one he’s often described as. Both a talented comic and very successful too, Anderson has written a new show every year since his 1999 Edinburgh Fringe debut and also enjoys a booming sideline in radio and TV, courtesy of his hosting gig on The Gruen Transfer series and shows on Triple J and Radio Q. He has found fame Down Under but – so far – remained largely under the mainstream radar in this hemisphere. That’s about to change. He’s in town for a two-week stint at the Soho Theatre with Goodwil, which comes straight from its Melbourne International Comedy Festival premiere this April, an event at which he’s found great acclaim, nabbing the People’s Choice award three years in a row since 2010. “The show features a bunch of stories about things that have been going wrong in my life lately, things that are big to me but small in the context of the world, and I am trying to talk about how you reconcile those things and keep perspective,” Anderson says, adding reassuringly that this won’t be at the expense of phallic-centric giggles. After all, it wouldn’t be a Wil Anderson show without interspersing the serious themes with a well-placed knob gag. But why does he think we live in such a culture of complaint in the first place? “The reason is multi-faceted, and partly to do with the ease of complaint,” he explains. “In the old days if you were angry you had to get an envelope, write a letter, buy a stamp and then go to the post office – halfway through you are going to stop being angry. These days you just push a button.” The digital age has brought us instant anger. “It’s also a lot to do with the fact we are constantly being asked for feedback,” he continues. “Politics is poll driven, every service call comes with a survey, TV shows run viewer tweets, newspapers have readers’ comments. And this brings me to the media – with the growing demand for click-

throughs in online media everything has to be sensational, which means everything must be black and white. The world would be a far more reasonable place if we just acknowledged that most issues have their fair share of grey.” So what exactly has been getting Anderson’s goat, we wonder, musing over what sounds like an advancing journey towards grumpy old manhood?

“

I’m attracted to women but dress like KD Lang

”

“People who get their luggage before the seat belt sign goes off on the plane; people who don’t get off their phone in shops when they’re getting served; and people who tweet on zebra crossings,” he replies, throwing in what sounds like a very personal peeve at the number three spot.

Star attraction: attending the GQ Men of the Year Awards tntMagazine.com

››

Philosopher: Anderson muses on big issues in his new show Anderson will also be tackling a topic that has both featured in his material before and is currently sitting high in the sphere of public debate. “I’ve talked about gay marriage for years,” he says of the political hot potato that’s doing the rounds worldwide at the moment (New Zealand legalised same-sex marriage in April, and the House of Commons has passed David Cameron’s plans for the same here, despite 161 MPs voting against it, and former Tory chairman Lord Tebbit claiming it could lead to fathers marrying sons and other such nonsense). “I just see it as an equal rights issue,” Anderson argues. “I am a mostly heterosexual man – I say mostly because I am attracted to women but dress like KD Lang – who could meet a stranger today, fly to Vegas and be married in 24 hours. “Yet a gay person who has been with their partner for years can’t declare that love in an equal fashion. That doesn’t seem right. As you can see from the changes around the world, it doesn’t seem right to a lot of other people either. I always said I’d happily stop talking about gay marriage as soon as gay people could get married – I was hoping I could have stopped by now.”

Equal rights are clearly a topic Anderson is passionate about. “The biggest concern at the start of a tour is that I want to talk about things that I will be as interested in when I am doing the last show as [I am when I’m doing] the first,” he says. “Then I try to make them funny.” This determination to follow his passions has seen Anderson decide upon a renewed focus on stand-up, too, with his other jobs going on the backburner for a while.

“

I see myself growing into a grumpy old man

”

“You get to a point in your life where you stop worrying what other people think or say you should be doing,” he explains. “[You] just want to do what you enjoy doing. For me, that is and always has been stand-up comedy. A month ago I was playing the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, last week log cabins in Alaska, and now I’m doing a season in Soho. You see the world for free, which is more fun than sitting around at a radio station, no matter how much they pay you and how many free Bon Jovi tickets you get.” Is there a downside to the touring, we enquire? “Missing out on your friends’ lives,” he fires back. “This January I missed two of my friends’ weddings as I was telling dick jokes to strangers in Minneapolis.” But with all this grumbling about our culture of complaint we wonder if he isn’t falling foul of the bitching bug himself. Or will he mature with age into a philosophical sage who takes the world and all its imperfections in his stride? “I’m more likely to be a grumpy old man,” he decides. “I’ve always seen myself growing into some grumpy old George Carlin-esque comic with a beard and a ponytail.” With dick jokes, of course. ❚ Wil Anderson: GoodWil at Soho Theatre. May 27-June 8. £10+ W1D 3NE sohotheatre.com Tottenham Court Road

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WIL’S TOP 5 FUNNIEST MOMENTS tntmagazine.com/wil-is-funny

Photos: Getty

“This is my serious face”: but he’s got some dick jokes, too

TNT EXCLUSIVE OFFER The Pavilion Club at Royal Ascot Tuesday 18th & Wednesday 19th June The Pavilion Club provides the perfect place to soak up the atmosphere of the Royal Meeting and enjoy a glass of champagne with friends in quintessentially British surroundings. The Club is located a short walk from the track and Parade Ring. • Grandstand Admission ticket • Pavilion Club badge • Complementary afternoon tea • Private bar • Party into the evening with extended opening hours • Free Racecard TNT Exclusive offer £85 per person. A saving of £37 per person per day. To book, call 01344 878 536 or visit ascot.co.uk quoting TNTRA2013. The offer is based on tickets purchased for Tuesday 18th or Wednesday 19th June 2013. Tickets must be booked no later than Friday 14th May. Max 9 tickets per booking, £6 delivery fee.

TNT_1552_027 27

TUESDAY 18TH JUNE TO SATURDAY 22ND JUNE 2013

24/05/2013 18:15:38

LifestyleHEALTH CLASS OF THE WEEK

PARKOUR I’m in a group of roughly 20 people, and we’re taking it in turns to run head-first into a wall. This is beginners parkour, yet I can’t help but feel singularly out of my league as I try to run up the surface after sprinting towards it at full speed. Everyone else manages to scale it, while I impotently manage to graze the top with my fingertips. I’m told if it’s easier, I can simply do a handstand against the wall. And this is just the 30-minute warm-up. The two-hour class is one of several offered by Parkour Generations, one of the world’s largest collections of freerunning specialists. There are several instructors available to help put the humble novice safely through their paces. After practicing a series of runs and high jumps, we do circuits around what is essentially a tricked-out jungle gym. At one station, there are low-to-the-ground railings, and we’re taught how to balance jumps (and, most importantly, land) from one to the other. Though I’m unfit, I’m surprised that the class actually gets easier, and fun. I’m tempted to sign up for another few sessions, if simply to boast to friends that I can scale the highest wall in the playground. £8. DC

League of your own How to make friends and beat the pants off people: top five sports teams for the summer Words caroline garnar

Join a sports team and you can get fit, get outside, meet new people and then whup their arses. Try these for size...

Australian Rules football If you were a keen Aussie Rules player back home, you don’t have to leave it behind as there are a number of teams in London. The West London Wildcats are our personal favourites. A friendly bunch of blokes, more than happy to head to the pub after practice on Thursdays – we can’t argue with that. WHEN/WHERE: Tue and Thu from 6.20pm, Dukes Meadows playing fields, near Barnes Bridge station. HOW MUCH: £65 annual membership (training twice weekly, Jan-Aug). pitchero.com/clubs/westlondonwildcats

Beach volleyball London is not particularly well known for its beaches, and that’s probably because it hasn’t got any. But Londoners are

resourceful people, and so the necessary components of beach volleyball – that’d be sand and a net – have been brought to the city. Join the London Beach Volleyball Club to get involved. WHEN/WHERE: Socials are Sat, noon-2pm in Westminster; Sun, noon-2pm in Shoreditch; and Thu, 6.30-8.30pm in Barn Elms. HOW MUCH: £60 for the season (Apr-Sep), covers three social sessions a week. Add £50 for a weekly coaching session (May-Aug). londonbeachvolleyball.org

Netball It’s not just for ladies, honest – One Netball UK runs mixed and women’s outdoor games between July and October, with “strict criteria” including that game venues boast “proximity to the local drinking hole”. WHEN/WHERE: Various times at venues in Pimlico, Waterloo, Wimbledon and Camden. HOW MUCH: From £82 for a single player. onenetball.com

Academy Sport, 255 Harrow Road (entrance on Torquay Street), W2 5EZ. Various times Royal Oak parkourgenerations.com

Beach volleyball: bikinis not guaranteed 28

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Resourceful: Aussie Rules

Training 19:30 Wednesdays Floodlit Pitch NEAREST TUBE

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MERTON RUGBY, FOOTBALL CLUB, MORDEN RECREATION GROUND, FAVERSHAM ROAD, MORDEN, SURREY. SM4 6RE.

Come and join the friendliest rugby club in west/south west London, 2 regular teams that tour twice a year with an excellent social calendar.

www.OIRFC.co.uk. Training starts the 4th June 7.30pm at the memorial ground facebook.com Isleworth TW7 5ED, 5 minutes from Richmond. /OIRFC

GET INTO SOCIAL SPORT THIS SUMMER WITH NETBUSTERS! Social netball, 5-a-side footy & dodgeball leagues Free taster sessions Play after work or at weekends Get fit and meet new people! Post league pub socials Venues across London town

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24/05/2013 17:49:02

tntjobs.co.uk ORIGIN T: 020 7617 7894 www.origincare.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Live-In Carers Location: London & South East Salary: £574 per week

Live-in roles typically of 2 weeks on and 1 week off. Free specialist training provided with Origin, a dedicated company established over 10 years.

Our clients are young adults with a spinal injury. We need positive people to help them live independently. Free accommodation, food and refunded travel expenses! Promotional prospects and higher rates of pay available.

SAMSETT SURVEYS & ENGINEERING LIMITED

JOB OF THE WEEK: XXXXXXXXX Location: London & Home Counties Salary: £16 to £22 per hour depending on experience

T: 020 8550 1276 & 07860 600747 www.samsett.com We supply survey teams, site, senior & setting out engineers, technicians and site supervisors for the construction industry.

NEW ZEALAND HIGH COMMISSION www.nzembassy.com/united-kingdom

John Hardy | 020 7617 7894 | johnhardy@origincare.com

We are looking for experienced site engineering staff for on going contracts. Experience in one of the following is essential. Heavy civils, earthworks, machine control and structures. Should be able to work with minimum supervision. Send CV to samsetthad@btconnect.com. or info@samsett.com. FAO Sam

JOB OF THE WEEK: Consular Adviser Location: London We are looking for someone with strong administration skills and experience in dealing with the public. Some knowledge of New Zealand would be an advantage. If you have a tertiary qualification, and/or worked previously in a job with a strong customer focus, see www.nzembassy.com/united-kingdom for a position description and application form. A CV, application form and covering letter can be emailed to property@newzealandhc.org.uk Applications close on Friday 7th June. Only shortlisted applicants will be contacted.

THE NORTHCOTE GARDENS LTD T: 020 7924 3696 www.gardenschildcare.co.uk We are a day-care nursery and pre-school providing services to children aged from six months to five years.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Head of Preschool (compliance) -Temporary Maternity Cover Location: Clapham Junction Salary: £15 ph Must be QTS/EYPS with extensive knowledge and experience of the Early Years Foundation Stage. Duties will be split between compliance/paperwork and hands on assistance. Emma Suzuki | HR Managr | emma@gardenschildcare.co.uk

www.care24seven.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Live In/Out Carers Location: Across London – Head Office Chiswick 020 8912 4642 Salary: Fair rates of pay available

Dynamic Care Company is recruiting experienced LIVE IN & OUT carers within London.

You are expected to provide care to the elderly in their own home. We are currently recruiting carers who can be dynamic and have good communication skills. Work within the guidelines of the company policies e procedures.

CARE24SEVEN T: 020 8912 4642

Please forward your CV to max@care24seven.com

SKI JOBS FRANCE T: 07824 68 1228 www.skijobsfrance.com.au Ski Jobs France supports Aussies, Kiwis and Canadians to organise a working holiday in France. Guaranteed job or your money back.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Ski Jobs in France Location: French Alps Salary: Competitive Package Employers are recruiting now for ski jobs in hotels, bars, restaurants, chalets, airport transfers & ski shops. Dec to May. French speaking not essential, but helps. Assistance applying for French visa. Escape the grey British winter. Visit www.skijobsfrance.com.au for more info & email info@skijobsfrance.com.au

Looking for your next job? NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY To advertise your job of the week contact Jaqui Ward | 020 3137 5950 | jaqui.ward@tntmultimedia.com

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JOBS 24/05/2013 18:09:05

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WHAT’S NEW

Skin Shop cardiospermum gel Soothes dry, itchy skin £9.95 skinshop.co.uk

Intangible unisex fragrance One bottle, two scents £95 aladispositionstore.com

Guys and dolls: Highbury Korfball Club Touch rugby

Korfball

Expect pacey games (in 15-minute halves), minimal injury risk (you tap rather than tackle) and a regular barbecue with beetroot, pineapple and cheese burgers at London Touch Rugby – now this sounds like our kind of sport. Registrations are now open for mixed and men’s teams. WHEN/WHERE: Wed, 6.30-9pm (May-Aug), Old Actonians Sports Ground, Acton. HOW MUCH: Single player registrations (mixed teams only) are £45. Team registration fee (men’s) is £180, of which £60 constitutes a refundable bond if your team doesn’t default at any stage during the season, and each team pays £20 per game.

If netball and basketball had a baby, they would name it korfball. And in the spirit of the masculine and feminine, ahem, coming together, four men and four women form a korfball team. Summer training is held outside. To try out two sessions for free, contact the Highbury Korfball Club. WHEN/WHERE: Wed, 7.459.30pm, near Old NEXT WEEK Street station. Forget the net: HOW MUCH: £7 per How to date the person, per session. highburykorfball.co.uk

londontouchrugby.com

old-school way

Mary Kay mint bliss lotion Cool off tired legs and feet £8 marykary.co.uk

FULL SOCIAL SPORTS LISTINGS tntmagazine.com/sports-clubs

Photos: Thinkstock; supplied

top treatment: sports massage If you spend your summer running around a pitch like a mad person, your body can take a serious battering. It’s important you don’t do any serious damage, so check in to Sports Massage Zone to get unknotted and even to help aid recovery in injury. The massage is more practical than relaxing, but the pros here will ensure you feel loose and relaxed for your next big game. £35 for 30 minutes. 1 Throgmorton Avenue, EC2N 2JJ

Get de-knotted

sportsmassagezone.co.uk

Moorgate

Skin Benefits gloves Younger hands in 15 minutes £4.99 amirose.com tntMagazine.com

LIFESTYLEliving Home

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Quirky rentals No matter what your budget, you can live in one of London’s most personality-filled pads Words caroline garnar

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‘THE SERIOUS STRETCH’

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KAKKOii WOW speaker Add a pop of colour to your tunes kakkoii-me.com

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From Batman’s lair and a Tardis-like chalet to an old factory and a boat, you needn’t settle for an ex-council flat or a crumbling houseshare in London ...

The dream The setting for a scene in Batman Begins, the base for a live episode of TV ghost-hunting show Most Haunted and the set for the video of Spice Girls’ Wannabe, the iconic St Pancras Chambers certainly has a varied history. The frontispiece to St Pancras Station originally opened as the Midland Grand Hotel in 1873, becoming railway offices in 1935, and then re-opening as The St Pancras Renaissance Hotel and apartments in 2011. The gothic style means it’s rich with vaults, archways, beams, buttresses and other features that lead you to imagine Dracula himself could be lurking behind the curtains.

If you are brave enough to rest your head here you’ll be rewarded with a seriously stunning apartment, with the pictured onebed currently up for rent. Claire O’Donnell, lettings manager at Foxtons Camden, tells us that a DJ was the previous tenant and points out: “Whoever occupies it can take advantage of the room service from the hotel, as well as access the leisure facilities.” Batman, Dracula and room service – it’s the perfect bachelor bad. THE DAMAGE: One-bed, £725 per week. CONTACT: Foxtons Camden, tel. 020 7424 6000.

The serious stretch This two-bed apartment is housed in southeast London’s Alaska Building – so named because it was opened in 1869 as an Alaskan seal fur factory (boo). With a tower

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and extension added in 1930 by Wallis, Gilbert and Partners, who also designed London’s Art Deco Hoover buildings, the Grange Road structure holds plenty of architectural quirks. Inside, original features have been gorgeously retained, with exposed brickwork, rustic wood-slatted doubleheight ceilings and industrial metal beams creating a space that looks modern but has its roots firmly placed in history. Frank Xavier, lettings manager at Urban Spaces, who has actually lived in the property himself, says: “This development has a real community feel – throughout the summer months the communal gardens and lake serve as a popular social scene, with barbecues and beers to be had. Plus the area is so quiet, it’s like an oasis in the city.” THE DAMAGE: Two-bed, £600 per week. CONTACT: Urban Spaces, tel. 020 7251 4000.

quintessentially English about living on a houseboat, so why not embrace the culture while you’re here? This boat contains five apartments and a communal terrace, and is moored near the pretty Kew Bridge. You will find all your creature comforts on board, plus under-floor heating. And it’s a serious money saver. As lettings agent Laura Hockey from Martin & Co points out: “Advantages are in abundance with bills included, council tax exemption, and all the mod-cons.” Tax dodging and guaranteed views of the water? We think the poms might be onto something... THE DAMAGE: Two-bed, NEXT WEEK £300 per week. CONTACT: Martin & Co, Working in Canada Ealing, tel. 020 8579 9191. WORLD’S WEIRDEST HOUSES tntmagazine.com/weird-houses

The ‘save your pennies’ This property (right) in East Barnet looks as if it belongs in the hills of a ski resort thanks to its shape and cedar-clad exterior. It’s also deceptive in that it’s a hell of a lot bigger than it looks from the outside: due to planning permission restrictions, the owner, Dr Chas Church, had to excavate downwards to create a floor below ground level, and it now contains four three-bed apartments, all available to rent. Employing Iranian architect, Parham Bakhtar, Dr Chas converted what was once a garage he inherited from his father into this state-ofthe-art, spacious and modern property. With quartz and porcelain surfaces and lighting by George Nelson – known for his modernist bubble lamps – as Dr Chas puts it: “Folk ask, ‘Where is Grand Designs’ Kevin McCloud?’” THE DAMAGE: Three-bed, £540 per week. CONTACT: Grange Homes, tel. 020 8360 9890.

your view Nicky

Freedman Gardener and market trader, 33

“I would live in the Isokon Building by Hampstead Heath. It’s stunning and has an interesting history: Henry Moore and Agatha Christie lived there and it was one of the first buildings built for communal living. I’d move in with all my mates!”

claude

Oprea Translator and subtitler, 32

”I’d go for Buckingham Palace so I can get in with the royals, and get a butler and a chef. I’d even get my own private McDonald’s like in Richie Rich.”

Rob

walaskowski Bicycle courier, 28

‘THE SAVE YOUR PENNIES’

“I’d get a flat at the top of that pyramid – you know, the Shard! It’s got to have a great view.”

FIND FUN FLATS FAST

The ‘when can we move in?’

Photos: supplied

Who wants to live by the Thames when you can live on it? There’s something

If you want to rent yourself a quirky property, these are the websites to check out... urbanspaces.co.uk BEST FOR: Cool conversions – but be prepared to pay top wonga. riverhomes.co.uk BEST FOR: Specialises in waterside properties and houseboats. foxtonsrare.com BEST FOR: Practical studios, apartments and homes but with plenty of character.

THE ‘WHEN CAN WE MOVE IN?’ tntMagazine.com

WORLDVIEW

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Getting high: stunt expert Leigh-Anne Vizer is held by a 4.5m-long King Kong hand 300m above Melbourne, launching the King Kong Experience at Eureka Skydeck

Comedy duo: Tenacious D

TENACIOUS D PRESENT WEATHER NEW ZEALAND

The mighty Tenacious D appeared on New Zealand’s TVNZ One News as guest weather presenters with hilarious results. As far as the weather is concerned, the duo did a lousy job. Standing in front of a map of the country, Jack Black mispronounced most of the names of the towns and cities, giving virtually no useful meteorological information whatsoever. He even managed to squeeze a rude word when he mentioned the town of Whakatane. Concluding the report, Black and Kyle Gass proceeded to approach the camera like amorous ogres to give the Kiwi viewers at home a big wet kiss. Watch it on tntmagazine.com. TWEETS OF THE WEEK @sickipediabot Wayne Rooney’s newborn son Klay, was named in honour of his father. Thick and difﬁcult to work with @thedailymash Idea of female scout leader ‘is doing Al Qaeda’s head in’ @jpstacey I am interested in one of your racist energy tariffs! I want to combine low cost energy with my xenophobia. Can you help?

FERGIE IS AUSSIES’ LEAST-TRUSTED ROYAL UNITED KINGDOM

The UK tabloids dubbed her the Duchess of Pork, but Australians might be more inclined to nickname Sarah Ferguson the Duchess of Porky Pies. The ex-wife of Prince Andrew, Duke of York, is Australia’s least-trusted British royal, a new poll reveals. The Reader’s Digest survey of 1220 34

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Aussies found they’re more likely to trust parents-to-be Wills and Kate, and Queen Elizabeth, who took first, third and second place respectively. Prince Charles, Australia’s next monarch, scraped in at only number 11. “Poor Prince Charles ranks lower than all his siblings, as well as a niece, a daughter-in-law and a sister-in-law – perhaps surprising for the man who expects to be king,” Reader’s Digest managing editor Louise Waterson said.

KANGAROO ATTACKS JOGGING POLITICIAN AUSTRALIA

An Australian politician has been attacked by a kangaroo while jogging through Canberra.

Shane Rattenbury, a minister in the Australian Capital Territory government, was on his morning run when he almost collided with an eastern grey kangaroo that had been grazing on a front lawn. “We both got a nasty fright – and of course when kangaroos are startled they lash out,” the 41-year-old said. “As the kangaroo sought to escape, it landed on me, and its claws dug into my leg.” Rattenbury said the 1.4m marsupial knocked him down and left two deep scratches on his leg. A passerby who saw him lying injured on the roadside took him home.

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 80

Years, in age, of Yuichiro Miura, who became the oldest climber to reach the 8850m summit of Mount Everest

Weight, in pounds, of hairball removed from the stomach of a 400-pound tiger by surgeons in Florida

Snap happy: croc at beach

CROC WASHES UP ON BEACH, SUNBATHES

Number of workouts after which most UK gym goers wash their kit, with women the worst soap-dodgers, says study

INDONESIA

Hundreds of sunbathers fled an Indonesian beach in terror after a 1.3m crocodile washed ashore and crawled on to the sand to catch a few rays. The 500kg reptile emerged from the water at Balikpapan beach on Borneo Island, settling near the lifeguard tower. Ari Triyanto, the lifeguard on duty, said everyone on the beach ran away, only to return in dribs and drabs to watch the police try and apprehend the wily reptile. “The crocodile swam up and down the coast for three days. We finally caught it on Monday afternoon when it swam near a river mouth,” he added. The captured croc has been transported to a nearby breeding centre.

The prosecutor said “the pair previously had a strained relationship, tickling led to kissing and then to intercourse”. The dad set up the camera in his kitchen to record evidence of a ghost. But when he returned from work, the footage showed his partner and son canoodling. The woman will be sentenced next week.

GIRLFRIEND CAUGHT CHEATING WITH SON

MAN ‘POCKET DIALS’ 911, TELLS KILL PLOT

A man in Tasmania who was hoping to capture paranormal activity in his home accidentally filmed his girlfriend having sex with his 16-year-old son. Appearing in court in Hobart, the unidentified 28-year-old woman, who’d been in a relationship with the teen’s father for 11 years, pleaded guilty to five counts of sex with an underage boy. The woman told the Tasmanian court she was “ashamed and embarrassed” and didn’t realise the age of consent was 17.

A man has been charged with murder after he allegedly “pocket dialled” 911 and revealed his murder plot. In the call Scott Simon, 24, can reportedly be heard saying he’s going to follow another man home and kill him. Minutes later, Nicholas Walker, 33, was shot dead while driving on to a Florida on-ramp. Detectives allege Simon was the one to coordinate the killing after getting into an argument with Walker, but that someone else pulled the trigger.

Photos: Getty

TASMANIA

Cost, in pounds, of treating a broken leg in the US, says Asda Money research on benefits of travel insurance

Candid camera: it never lies

UNITED STATES

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK I’m better now, but when I started, it was awful Dannii Minogue on the pressures of fame when she first started singing in the Eighties... or is it a critique of her singing?

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21/05/2013 15:36 23/05/2013 18:06:00

TNT puts the world to rights

A mourner at the site of Lee Rigby’s murder

COMMENT: OLI JONES

oliver.jones@tntmagazine.com

Inclusion of moderate Islam is our greatest weapon

Photos: Getty

No British Muslims should feel the need to say ‘not in my name’

It’s strange the people and organisations that get criticised in the wake of an atrocity like the Woolwich attack. Frankly, I find the censorial instincts of supposedly intelligent commentators and columnists on Twitter, suggesting that the BBC or ITV were doing something editorially remiss by showing the harrowing pictures of the incident, far more unnerving than those images. They could do much worse than to remind themselves of the well-documented dangers of prior restraint before tweeting such asinine crap. It is the public’s right to know the truth of incidents that occur in our society and we are privileged to live in a time when the truth of events (in most instances) is more accessible than ever. The comments following the killing of soldier Lee Rigby from moderate Muslim figures, such as Huffington Post’s Medhi Hassan and commentator Mohammed Ansar, have shown how deeply they cherish the freedoms that make this country what it is. Conversely, the actions of the English Defence League have shown how utterly they fail to grasp the fundamentality of those liberties. In an uncomfortable synergy of perspective for those walleyed cretins, it’s a trait the EDL shares with the perpetrators of this barbaric crime. There are many frameworks for hatred: from pseudo-intellectual discussions of ‘privilege’, to perversions of religion, to crazed nationalism. Some of these frameworks are easier to undermine and dismantle than others. Extremist interpretations of religion are the most difficult. Their tenants are infallible, immune to rational argument and logic. We should be under no illusions as to the dangers of extreme Islamism. A day after the Woolwich incident, 19 people died in a suicide bombing in Niger carried out by jihadist group Mujao. And, yet, the strongest weapon against extremist Islamists is Britain’s ongoing inclusion and support of moderate Muslims. We must show that every day in Britain all races and religions can exist together equally and peacefully. That’s how we win. » Agree or disagree? letters@tntmagazine.com

OURVIEW

THERE’S NO LOGICAL NO TO GAY MARRIAGE I’m just going to quote them directly: “A lesbian Queen with a test tube heir”, “a father could marry his son for tax reasons”. A collection of the dribblings from the mouth of Tory grandee Lord Tebbit last week posing as arguments against gay marriage. It’s fair to say that if this is what they’ve come to, then those against same-sex nuptials have lost the debate. The gay marriage bill has trundled off to the Lords, where one of the finest collections of old bigots in the country will no doubt do their best to fuck it up.

“

A lesbian Queen with a test tube heir

”

What the proposed legislation has done almost more effectively than anything else is highlight the insincerity of that most central of Conservative beliefs: the freedom of the individual. Tories believe in absolute freedom of the individual, unless it’s doing something a bit rum like committing your life to a person you love who happens to be the same gender. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Social media suckers A growing number of people are tweeting their way into trouble with the law WORDS OLI JONES Last week, 29-year-old chef Toby Hockley from Norwich was taking part in the 100-mile Boudicca Sportive bike ride when he was clipped by a motorist. Despite allegedly being hurled into a hedge by the impact, Hockley suffered only minor injuries. But the driver hadn’t stopped to find out. So far, it’s sadly not that an unusual a story – until you learn that the person behind the wheel, who otherwise would have remained anonymous, outed herself on Twitter with a particularly unremorseful post. Emma Way, a 21-yearold trainee accountant who has disputed Hockley’s version of events, wrote on the social networking site: “Definitely knocked a cyclist off his bike earlier – I have right of way he doesn’t even pay road tax! #bloodycyclists.” After the message was retweeted hundreds of times, Norwich Police tweeted back, advising Way to hand herself in. An investigation into the incident is now underway.

hadn’t noticed the young man’s balls when he liked the snap. Nevertheless, the education minister was forced into the 21st century’s equivalent of a vegetable pelting in the stocks – a humiliating apology “for any offence caused”. Of the people most prone to a social media gaffe, it would appear sports stars are among the most susceptible. Only earlier this month, the Lions rugby team had to say a public sorry after a picture of a springbok impaled on a railing was posted on their Twitter account, accompanied by the words: “Isn’t this what @lionsofficial did to Springboks in the 3rd Test in Johannesburg 2009? @qantaswallabies

“

Tactless tweeters land themselves in jail

Stupid is as stupid does As a result, TNT thought it wise to tell you a few cautionary tales, lest you get tempted to tweet your way into trouble. After all, ever since Twitter launched in 2006, it has performed a wholly unique function – revealing a hitherto hidden impulse of humans to destroy themselves in 140 characters. As the microblogging site’s popularity has soared (more than 500 million registered users as of 2012), this selfdestructive streak has developed from simple stupidity to tactless tweeters actually landing themselves in jail. Way could yet prove an example of the latter (though she has apologised for the offending tweet), but the former is still going strong across all forms of social media. Earlier this month, Aussie politician Peter Collier got himself into a spot of bother after he ‘liked’ a photo on Facebook of a young man’s ‘sneaky nuts’ prank. For the uninitiated among you, ‘sneaky nuts’ pranks are when a gentleman covertly exposes his testicles at an inappropriate moment. Collier claims he 38

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

”

be warned.” The Lions are now drawing up social media guidelines for their players to observe. Back in 2010, Aussie swimmer Stephanie Rice, 22, became one of the first high-profile athletes to discover the economic pitfalls of social media fails. The golden girl of Aussie swimming was dropped by her sponsors after she tweeted “suck on that faggots” when the Wallabies defeated the Springboks in a September test. These examples, however, are small potatoes compared to the people who've managed to tweet themselves straight into the clink.

Crime and punishment In 2012, student Liam Stacey made headlines after tweeting racist remarks about the footballer Fabrice Muamba, who at the time was fighting for his life in an east London hospital. Stacey, a 21-year-old biology undergraduate at Swansea

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Photos: Getty; Twitter

AIGN MP A AM TTCC TTNN

For more than 13 weeks, TNT has been campaigning with your help against the UK Border Agency. We’ve revealed horror stories, gained press coverage in the UK and Australia, and attracted support from high-profile MPs. To read our coverage so far, visit tntmagazine.com/ukba. Nine weeks ago it was announced the UK Border Agency will be split into two organisations – one dealing with visas. In true shambolic style, a name for the office, and how it’s going to work, is yet to be decided. So far, all that’s clear is that it’s going to be the same staff, reporting to the same bosses, in the same building, operating within the same budgets. Therefore, our demands for this new entity remain the same. Add your voice to TNT Magazine’s UKBA Balls-Up campaign to demand the new office changes its policies so that:

✔ Every applicant receives correspondence when an application has been received ✔ Advice is then sent to all applicants detailing the process system and what it means for those wanting to work or travel ✔ Every applicant gets access to an emergency helpline which they can call for updates at any time, not only after six months ✔ The target for processing visas for those based in the UK who are eligible to work is reduced to three months ✔ A full refund is offered to applicants if their application takes longer than the target time if it is due to UKBA incompetency ✔ The amount of premium service appointments is increased – and a full refund is offered to applicants if the UKBA doesn’t adhere to the allotted 24-hour timescale ✔ Applicants wishing to extend visas to stay in the UK can do so before the ‘28 days before expiry’ deadline Add your name to our government epetition. Follow the link from tntmagazine.com/ukba

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University, admitted racially aggravated public disorder after his posts, written in the wake of Muamba’s on-pitch heart attack during an FA Cup match between Bolton and Tottenham Hotspur, were reported to police by offended Twitter users. Stacey claimed that his remarks – which included “LOL. F*** Muamba. He’s dead!!!” – were made while he was under the influence of alcohol. Still, he was sentenced to 56 days in jail, and last week it was revealed he has been banned from returning to Swansea University for the remainder of the year. More high-profile figures are not exempt from the repercussions of ill-advised tweets, either. Also last week, Sally Bercow, wife of the Commons speaker John Bercow, lost her legal battle against Lord McAlpine, with the High Court ruling she had posted a libellous tweet. It all started when BBC2’s Newsnight wrongly made allegations of child sex abuse against the Tory politician, after which Bercow wrote: “Why is Lord McAlpine trending? *innocent face*.” Those fateful few words will likely cost Bercow a pretty penny now that she has been forced to settle with McAlpine, who also received damages from the BBC. Twitter’s profusion of free speech is dangerous enough for users in Western countries, but in places without a tradition of free speech, it is all but lethal. In February, Kuwaiti Mohammad Eid al-Ajmi was jailed for five years for tweets that were deemed insulting to the ruling royal family. And in April of this year, Turkish pianist Fazil Say was jailed for 10 months for tweeting jokes about a religious leader and some Islamic practices. Say is a critic of the Islamic government of the formerly secular Turkish state. “Social media is a space with a litany of dangers,” social media expert Fiona Dunphy says. “But as with most things in life, the thing that leaves us open to those dangers is, more often than not, our own stupidity.” You have been warned.

••

Clockwise from left: Sally Bercow outside Rooney: United striker cutoffending a sullen the HighThe Court; Emma Way’s figure U’s victotry parade tweet;during AussieMan swimmer Stephanie Rice

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Japanese mountaineer Yuichiro Miura last week became the oldest person to reach the summit of Mount Everest, at a dizzying 29,035ft above sea level. Miura is a sprightly 80 years old

Star man: Palace’s Wilfried Zaha

championship playoff mega payday football

This afternoon’s Championship playoff final between Watford and Crystal Palace brings with it not only the promise of the Premier League, but the top flight’s new-look financial gains too. As of the forthcoming 2013-14 season, a new TV rights deal will mean Premier League clubs could pocket up to double what they do under the existing deal. Recently relegated QPR, Reading and Wigan will be only too aware of this, which means this afternoon’s Wembley final should carry a little extra spice. Watford will be hoping their last ditch dramatics in the second leg semi against Leicester – in which keeper Manuel Almunia saved a Leicester penalty at stoppage time which then sent his team cruising up the pitch to score, sending 40

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players, manager and fans berserk – will carry on, with Gianfranco Zola’s men looking for their first top flight return since their 2007 relegation. On the other side, the Eagles – who have yo-yoed between English football‘s top two tiers since 1977 – will be looking to make a Premier League return after an eight-year absence. All eyes will be on star striker Wilfried Zaha (left) in his last match before he moves on to Manchester United in the summer. Championship Play Off Final, Watford v Crystal Palace, Monday, May 27, kick off 3pm, Sky Sports 1

New zealand want a one-day reprieve cricket

Since their dismal performance in the first Test last week, in which they lost to England by a whopping 170 runs, New Zealand have some serious face to save. First up is the second Test, which concludes today and tomorrow, giving the Kiwis a chance to salvage some pride before the first ODI this Friday at Lord’s. The London venue played host to their battering last week, so Brendon McCullum’s squad will be hoping to make amends this time round.

BIG WEEK FOR ... Double Olympic gold medallist Mo Farah will be looking to make it a pretty damn impressive six out of six at today’s Bupa London 10,000m road race. The Somalian-born Farah has picked up the gold in this event since its launch in 2008, and will be looking to further extend his road race dominance this year to six consecutive wins. Farah took part in last month’s London Marathon, running half of the 26.2-mile distance in preparation for running the whole shebang next year. He will be using the Bupa event, which circuits St James’s Park with a finish outside Buckingham Palace, as part of his preparation for the World Championships, which are to be held in Moscow this August. The 10,000m was one of Farah’s gold-winning events in last summer’s 2012 Games alongside the 5000m. With a bit of luck, a highly possible sixth straight victory here might see him dig out the Mobot (right) again for a spot of post-race celebration.

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QUOTES OF THE WEEK Tonight I’m gonna get drunk, listen to James Brown and at midnight I’ll say ‘I feel good!’ Toulon president Mourad Boudjellal on his side’s 16-15 Heineken Cup win over Clermont Auvergne. If only that was how all sporting bosses talked ...

Bad back: Murray has pulled out of French Open thanks to injury

PREVIEW THE SEASON’S SECOND SLAM STARTS FRENCH OPEN

MAY 26-JUNE 9/ ITV The second Grand Slam of the season is upon us, and despite Andy Murray’s withdrawal through back injury, it’s shaping up to be a cracker. Roger Federer, the current world number three, will open against a qualifier, with number one in the ATP rankings Novak Djokovic starting his campaign against 57th-ranked Belgian David Goffin. Defending champ and world number four Rafael Nadal – who triumphed against Djokovic last year to make it seven French

Open wins in the last eight years at Roland Garros – gets out of the blocks opposite Daniel Brands. With world number two Andy Murray ruled out, it’s an open draw, with Nadal and Djokovic all but set to meet in the semis. World number one Serena Williams, who has 15 slam titles to her name but only one picked up in Paris, will be out to correct last year’s shock first round exit when she opens against Georgian Anna Tatishvili. The chief obstacle to that – current champ Maria Sharapova, who opens her defence against Su-Wei Hsieh of Chinese-Taipei.

THE CHAT | Fried chicken ﬁasco

When you win too easy for some years, it is difficult to lose some races afterwards Ferrari F1 driver Fernando Alonso hits out at Red Bull for complaining that Formula One is “not racing anymore”, but is instead more about management of the sport’s official Pirelli tyres, after Red Bull’s poor recent form on the track

You have enough to describe after that Sir Alex Ferguson’s comments to the BBC’s John Motson as he decides to skip the post-match press conference after his last game in charge of Manchester United, in which the Red Devils surrendered a 5-2 lead away at West Brom to draw 5-5

TV HIGHLIGHTS

Photos: Getty

FOOTBALL Sergio Garcia made seemingly racially Q motivated comments last week about Tiger Woods, but has escaped PGA punishment – why? When Chelsea’s John Terry made an ass of himself with A supposed racial comments directed at QPR’s Anton Ferdinand, he got a full investigation that resulted in a fourmatch ban by the FA. When Garcia makes an ass of himself by saying that he would welcome long-standing rival Tiger Woods round his house by serving up fried chicken, everyone denounces his stupidity yet no firm disciplinary action is taken. It’s hard to see how Garcia’s comments should go without punishment, though he has denied the comments were made with racist intent. His sponsors are thinking twice, anyhow.

Brazil v England International friendly Sun, 12am, ITV

RUGBY UNION Crusaders v Waratahs Super 15 round 16 clash Fri, 7.35am, Sky Sports 3

RUGBY UNION Outrage: Sergio Garcia

Brumbies v Hurricanes All the action from Canberra Stadium Fri, 9.40am, Sky Sports 3 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Champions forever The team to win the ICC’s top-eight tournament will be holders for eternity – it’s the last one WORDS MICHAEL GADD Two weeks, the eight top teams in the world, 15 games and a winner who will be the title holder for good – that’s how the ICC Champions Trophy rolls into England and Wales. From June 8, matches will be played at London’s Kia Oval, Cardiff’s SWALEC Stadium (Sophia Gardens) and Birmingham’s Edgbaston ahead of the final on June 23. Australia won the past two editions in South Africa and India, but South Africa’s depth makes them favourites, despite their fourth ranking in the world. It’s anyone’s. This is how the two pools of four teams shape up.

GROUP A Australia ICC World Ranking: THIRD A four-nil Test flogging in India was a bad look, but they’ll be sad to see this tournament go. Call it now if David Warner and Shane Watson fire. If they don’t pull their weight, the pressure will be on skipper Michael Clarke (surely he’ll crack one day), but Phil Hughes and Matt Wade will have plenty to prove after being dumped for the Ashes. It’s worrying that the most senior speedster is the least reliable, Mitchell Johnson, alongside newbies such as James Faulkner. But with Mr Metronome Clint McKay likely to bowl his 10 overs for nothing, Australia will, as always in big ones, be in the reckoning.

and Johnathan Trott is miserly and consistent. Well balanced and perfectly suited to tricky early summer Brit wickets.

New Zealand ICC World Ranking: EIGHTH The Black Caps’ ranking belies their talent and they couldn’t have asked for a better preparation – Tests and ODIs against England in England. There couldn’t be a worse pool, though. Aussie (born in NZ) Luke Ronchi is a new face, and bolsters a damaging batting line-up including Brendan McCullum and Ross Taylor. Kiwi bowlers such as Tim Southee, James Franklin and Trent Boult have a command of the swinging ball, while spinners Daniel Vettori (back after eight months) and Nathan McCullum are master run-rate chokers.

Sri Lanka ICC World Ranking: FIFTH Young captain Angelo Mathews leads a side in which his best players (batsmen Tillakaratne Dilshan, Kumar Sangakkara, and Mahela Jayawardene, and leggie Rangana Herath) are all over 35. Their quality spinners won’t fare so well here, although the return of Chanaka Welegedara is welcome on the seamer-friendly decks. Tied ODI series 2-2 in Oz after getting pumped in the Tests, so not to be discounted totally.

GROUP B

England ICC World Ranking: SECOND Unbeaten in their last eight ODI series, only India like playing at home more than England. But last time the Trophy was in England in 2004, they snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in the final and lost to the West Indies. They’ll make the most of the two new balls – one from each end – with Jimmy Anderson (main picture) and co’s knack of finding swing where others don’t. Their top order of Alastair Cook, Ian Bell 42

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India ICC World Ranking: FIRST Who isn’t playing makes India strong – Gautam Gambhir, Yuvraj Singh, Virender Sehwag and Harbhajan Singh are all dropped. This leaves a big job for Virat Kohli, Suresh Raina and Rohit Sharma, led by MS Dhoni who won’t get to tell the curators how to prep the pitch. They’re number one courtesy of home form, but spinners won’t prosper here.

Clockwise: Michael Clarke; Australia pops the bubbles in 2008; Dale Steyn; MS Dhoni

Pakistan ICC World Ranking: SIXTH ODI legend Shahid Afridi can’t get into this side, so Pakistan must be feeling OK, or rebuilding. They prepare with series in Scotland and Ireland, so will be used to the conditions. A lot will rest on Captain Misbah-ul-Haq, who’ll be 39 and leading a young side capable of an upset, but not consistent. If a spinner does damage, it’ll be Saeed Ajmal and his doora.

South Africa ICC World Ranking: FOURTH The tournament favourites’ most experienced players are out, with Jacques Kallis making himself unavailable (at time of print anyway) and captain Graeme Smith injured. A big weight falls on AB de Villiers, a batsman turned keeper who takes over as skipper. JP Duminy is back in the fold after snapping his achilles in Oz last year, and their pace bowlers – with Dale Steyn and Morne Morkel – are the world’s best.

West Indies ICC World Ranking: SEVENTH Dwayne Bravo takes the reins from Darren Sammy (whose still the Twenty20 and Test skipper) of this under-performing yet unpredictable side. On any day, the Windies can tear an attack apart with batting strength from Chris Gayle, Keiron Pollard and Bravo, but they can as easily collapse. Many of this side know how to win on big occasions though – they’re the T20 World Cup champions and you can’t argue with that.

Photos: Getty

Tickets are priced gold, silver and family stand, from £20 (for a group game) to £60 (gold ticket to the final). Under 21s tickets are £10-£25. icc-cricket.com TV coverage on Sky Sports

TOP 5 ETERNAL CHAMPIONS IN SPORT tntmagazine.com/eternal-champions

ICC CHAMPIONS TROPHY FIXTURES GROUP A June 8: England v Australia June 9: New Zealand v Sri Lanka June 12: Australia v New Zealand June 13: (D/N) England v Sri Lanka June 16: England v New Zealand June 17: (D/N) Australia v Sri Lanka

Edgbaston, Birmingham SWALEC, Cardiff Edgbaston, Birmingham The Oval, London SWALEC, Cardiff The Oval, London

GROUP B June 6: June 7: June 10: June 11: June 14: June 15:

SWALEC, Cardiff The Oval, London Edgbaston, Birmingham The Oval, London SWALEC, Cardiff Edgbaston, Birmingham

India v South Africa Pakistan v West Indies, Pakistan v South Africa India v West Indies South Africa v West Indies India v Pakistan

SEMI FINALS June 19: SF 1 – 1st A v 2nd B June 20: SF 2 – 2nd A v 1st B

The Oval, London SWALEC, Cardiff

FINAL June 23: Winner SF 1 v Winner SF 2

Edgbaston, Birmingham

TNT PREDICTION SEMI-FINAL England v India / Australia v South Africa FINAL England v Australia

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: ALASDAIR MORTON alasdair.morton@tntmagazine.com

Ronaldo: could he soon be back in a red shirt?

Bring on the bullshit, it’s time to talk not play

The close season is fantastic sporting entertainment in its own right

» Agree or disagree? Is transfer time a guilty pleasure? letters@tntmagazine.com 44

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Last week, British boxer Carl Froch said he planned “to kill” opponent Mikkel Kessler in the ring during their bout last Saturday, and everyone got their knickers royally in a twist. By the time you read this, the fight will have happened so you’ll know whether the Nottingham-born pugilist kept to his word – unlikely, we know. But the fact his comments caused such consternation among the boxing community in the first place, even placing him at the focus of an inquiry, shows how muddled the sport has become trying to reshape its public image.

“

We like boxing – it’s corrupt and brutal

”

It is, after all, a sport in which grown men stand in a ring – that’s actually a rectangle – and punch each other in the face. For money. A sport where two twats had a fight at a press conference and then found themselves centre stage at Upton Park making a hefty payday as a result. People like boxing because it is corrupt and brutal – stop being such prudes.

Photos: Getty

For footy fans, the period we’ve just entered is known, officially I might add, as the ‘bullshit’ period, in which rumour, conjecture, talk, debate, nonsense and, of course, utter bullshit rule until the first ball of next season is kicked in August. It’s also, let’s be honest, just as exciting as when the football is actually on. Neymar to Man City; The Special One’s return to the Bridge; Ronaldo back in a Manchester United shirt – the stories doing the rounds are fascinating and make the 201314 season already look like it is going to be the best there’s ever been. The lure of where the next campaign could start, let alone end, proves an addictive tonic for the mid-season lull of actual pitch time. Football is, as is often said, a soap opera for blokes. Who said what to whom; who raised their arms above their shoulders yet wasn’t seen by the ref; who deserved a red but escaped without even a booking. As clichéd as this sounds – there are plenty of blokes who are partial to a bit of Corrie – the inference that gossip and unsubstantiated chat are great fun is all too true. As well as the above-mentioned transfer rumours, there are numerous managerial spots to be filled, many more that look like they will be changing, and moves to be negotiated – Gareth Bale to Real Madrid? – all of which gives ample ammunition to the gossip gunners to take aim with. The next 12 weeks could be the most transformative the Premier League’s seen in a long time – the dawn of a new era it is indeed, with last season’s top three clubs, United, City and Chelsea, all seeing fresh faces at the helm come August 17. But who else will be moving? Both Stoke and Everton are looking for new managers, most likely Eurobound Championship club Wigan, too. And how long will it be before rumours start of Arsenal’s uncharacteristic big-spend raid for Lionel Messi? It sounds preposterous bullshit, but stranger things have happened – it’s time to enjoy the rumour mill as it churns.

PUNCHING YES, BUT DON’T TALK VIOLENT

SOUTH AFRICA v INDIA THU 6 JUNE 2013, CARDIFF

AUSTRALIA v ENGLAND SAT 8 JUNE 2013, EDGBASTON

NEW ZEALAND v SRI LANKA SUN 9 JUNE 2013, CARDIFF

SOUTH AFRICA v PAKISTAN MON 10 JUNE 2013, EDGBASTON

AUSTRALIA v NEW ZEALAND WED 12 JUNE 2013, EDGBASTON

SOUTH AFRICA v WEST INDIES FRI 14 JUNE 2013, CARDIFF

NEW ZEALAND v ENGLAND SUN 16 JUNE 2013, CARDIFF

AUSTRALIA v SRI LANKA MON 17 JUNE 2013, THE OVAL

*CONTACT YOUR CHOSEN VENUE FOR DETAILS

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CALL 0845 257 5210 *Terms and conditions apply. Prices quoted are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off the base trip price only, and do not apply to food funds and local payments. Flights not included. Egypt trip price includes local payment based on $1 = £0.618, which must be paid locally in USD. For full terms and conditions please visit www.topdeck.travel

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PRAYER TIME Buddhist monks pray at Borobudur temple during Buddha’s birthday in Magelang, Indonesia.

Photos: Getty; Girls For Sail

INSIDE

PLAIN SAILING /50

FARMING OUT /56

SUMMER HOLIDAYS /60

Fancy becoming a salty seadog? TNT wraps up and battles the bracing waters and blustering winds off the Isle of Wight’s coast.

We get stuck into local life on a Tuscan farm, discovering remote lakes, tough cycle routes and secret underground liquor stashes.

How are you spending your summer? Get inspired by our guide to tropical adventures, African odysseys and European tours. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

TRAVELDIARY Helen Elfer

@tntmagazine

Spot the pro: Bali Arts Fest

TRAVEL EDITOR

HELL AND SAFETY One of my favourite things about going abroad is that in nine countries out of 10 (errr, I made that number up, but it seems like a lot) they couldn’t give a flying stuff about health and safety rules.

Fall over on uneven pavement in India? Should’ve looked where you were going. Fall off an elephant in Laos and break your arm? Next time you’ll hold on a bit tighter. Get food poisoning from a street stall in Malaysia? You’re welcome not to eat there again, and by all means tell your friends not to either. But suing, or making a fresh web of regulations to prevent ANYTHING BAD EVER HAPPENING AGAIN? They’ve obviously got better things to do with their time. Sometimes it seems like Europe is the only place daft enough to get bogged down in zillions of rules that replace everyday common sense. The latest barmy bit of lawmaking involves protecting us from that most dangerous, high-wire of activities – yep, dunking bread in olive oil. From January next year, bowls of oil served at the start of meals in restaurants across Europe will have to be replaced with tamper-proof nozzles and EU-approved labelling. It’s supposed to improve hygiene and reassure diners that olive oil in restaurants hasn’t been diluted. But since when has anyone ever given a toss about diluted olive oil? What’s next, bringing each and every ingredient vacuum-packed to the table in case of interference? If you ask me, the legislators need a break – somewhere sunny in the Med. They can unwind over a nice long, olive oil soaked lunch in the sunshine and come up with some better things to worry about.

helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

Apart from being one of the most beautiful places on earth with its pounding surf, divine temples and striking mountains and volcanoes, 15-13 Bali is also home to one of Indonesia’s biggest arts festivals. This year the festivities will include handicraft exhibitions, village dances, live music performances and traditional cookery contests. JUNE-JULY

WHY: Now in its 35th year, the festival aims to be as much about preserving Balinese artists traditions as attracting tourists. In particular, the country’s rich dance heritage is always celebrated, so there will be perfomances of legong, gambuh, kecak, barong, baris and mask dances.

EL COLACHO Spain

El Colacho celebrates the feast of Corpus Christi by 2 lining up babies on mattresses while grown men dress up in yellow jumpsuits and jump over them. Barmy, eh? The festival takes place in Castrillo de Murscia and has been running for almost four centuries. The tradition is supposed to cleanse the babies’ souls of original sin. JUNE

spain.info

GAWAI DAYEK

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baliartsfestival.com

MITM FEST

Bulgaria

The sleepy town of Polkovnik, Bulgaria comes 2 alive during Meadows In The Mountains. The three-day music festival also includes activities such as ziplining, horse riding and downhill grass bobsleighing. This year’s line-up includes Baby Prince, Nick Monaco, San Proper, Moomin and Demob Happy. JUNE

meadowsinthemountains.com

BROOKLYN FILM FEST

Malaysia

Helping to cement Brooklyn as the hipster centre of the 31-9 universe, Brooklyn’s film fest involves awards, screenings, parties, workshops, and undoubtedly, lots of thick-rimmed black glasses. MAY-JUNE

This yearly get-together is to thank the gods for the 1-2 harvest and ask for prosperity. Celebrations are held with rice wine and coconut cakes. JUNE

sarawaktourism.com

DO IT BECAUSE: You could learn to throw a few Balinese-style shapes, take inspiration from this year’s Taksu (inner power) theme, or muscle your way into the cultural parade which opens the festival at Niti Mandala Park in Renon on the afternoon of June 15.

brooklynfilmfestival.org

Photos: Getty

Agree or disagree? Write in and tell us at

BALI ARTS FESTIVAL Bali

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AirBnb ‘illegal’ in NY

Land of the free: unless you’re on Airbnb

New Yorker Nigel Warren has been fined US$2400 (£1500) after renting his apartment out for three days through Airbnb (airbnb.com), a popular website that helps people let their homes out on a short-term basis to travellers. A 2010 law which was introduced to stop landlords from purchasing apartments and turning them into de facto hotels says property owners can’t rent out their homes for less than 30 days. Airbnb said in a statement: “Eightyseven per cent of Airbnb hosts in New York list just a home they live in – they are average New Yorkers trying to make ends meet, not illegal hotels that should be subject to the 2010 law.”

Photos: Thinkstock

blue flag brits Tough new EU standards on beach cleanliness has meant that the number of British beaches awarded the Blue Flag has dropped by a third since last year. Only 55 now meet the new “excellent” standard which was imposed under the EU Bathing Waters Directive. The figure is down from 79 last year. Kent’s Thanet was the region with the most Blue Flag beaches this year – with a total of eight given the quality stamp, including Margate, Botany Bay and Joss Bay. The Dorset regions of Poole and Bournemouth had four Blue Flags, along with Torbay in Devon and the Isle of Wight.

gold-plated iPads Another week, another more-money-than-sense story from Dubai. Guests at the Burj Al Arab, which calls itself the world’s most luxurious hotel, are now presented with a gold-plated iPad on arrival. The equipment, worth £6715, comes engraved with the hotel’s name, and contains software that acts as a “virtual concierge”. The iPads were created by British brand Gold & Co. CEO Amjad Ali told the Huffington Post: “The symmetry is obvious: both the gold-plated iPad and the hotel are unique in terms of quality, mystique and, dare we say, decadence.” Gosh, all we ever ask for is decent wifi...

Thai Tourist courts Special fast-track courts for tourists are on the cards in Thailand, in an attempt to resolve criminal issues as quickly as possible for holidaymakers. Authorities are hoping to boost confidence in the country after a rise in crimes against travellers in popular destinations such as Phuket and Krabi. Thailand’s new minister of tourism, Somsak Pureesrisak, wants the courts to prioritise crimes such as attacks, thefts or scams and said he would make travellers’ safety a top priority.“The state should increase punishment against those who commit crimes like robbery and assault on tourists,” he said.

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Rate of yachts: at sea off the Isle of Wight [Caption]

eat, drink, SLEEP

ENGLAND

Cowes

portsmouth

Isle of wight

cowes

isle of wight

GETTING THERE Take the train from London Paddington to Southampton from £38 return with National Rail. Then take the ferry from here to Cowes from £18.75 return with Red Funnel. redfunnel.co.uk; nationalrail.co.uk

Distinctive: premier sight The Needles

Start your trip with a hearty fry-up at Beatles-themed Cowes institution, Octopus Garden. Its famous all-day breakfast should fuel you for a day’s sail. Full English from £5.25. octopusgarden.co.uk If you moor up in pretty Hamble-le-Rice, head to the King And Queen for gastro-pub fare in the spacious beer garden. Mains from £8.95. More info at thekingandqueenpub.co.uk A traditional Cowes boozer and a favourite with local sailors, the Anchor Inn is ideal for a post-sail wind-down with its pool table, live music and pints from £3.20. theanchorcowes.co.uk If wine and cocktails float your boat, head to The Coast, a lively, modern bar and restaurant which is the place to be in West Cowes on weekends. Share a bottle of Merlot for £14.95. thecoastbar.co.uk You’ll be well placed to watch the boats go by at the Fountain Inn, right on Cowes quay. En suite doubles from £79pn. oldenglishinns.co.uk/cowes

Here and above: the writer learns to tie sailing knots 50

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Day out: watching the boats from sunny Cowes

A good budget option is Waverley Park tent and caravan park in East Cowes. Pitch your own tent from £6pppn. waverley-park.co.uk

May 27-June 2 2013 Issue 1552 tntmagazine.com

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CAIRO fr £280 ACCRA fr £405 ENTEBBE fr £425 HARARE fr £519 LAGOS fr £415 NAIROBI fr £418 JOHANNESBURG fr £489 JEDDAH fr £427 ABUJA fr £499

AUCKLAND fr £725 MELBOURNE fr £675 PERTH fr £599 SYDNEY fr £699 BRISBANE fr £699 ADELAIDE fr £699 DELHI fr £399 DAR E SALAAM fr £469 DUBAI fr £329 JEDDAH fr £427

£250 – £500 iBizA An eight-day island hopper tour costs £392pp (save 30 per cent) with Busabout (0845 0267576, busabout.com). Includes B&B accommodation, Busabout guide, ferry tickets and transfers, organised nights out. Excludes flights. Departs Mallorca on June 6. spAin & portuGAl A seven-day tour costs £340pp (save 30 per cent) with Busabout (0845 0267576, busabout.com). Includes room-only accommodation, visits to Lagos, Sierra Nevada Mountains, Ronda and Toledo, and a Busabout guide. Excludes flights. Departs June 8. CroAtiA An eight-day sailing trip costs £444pp with Intrepid Travel (intrepidtravel.com; 0844 4998487). Trip includes twin berth cabin accommodation, some meals and finishes in Dubrovnik. Excludes flights. Departs Trogir on June 8, must book by June 6.

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AFRICA

deAl oF tHe week sAilinG CroAtiA

£270

An eight-day sailing trip is 2-4-1 with Busabout (0845 0267576, busabout.com ). Includes on-board accommodation and some meals. Excludes flights. Departs Split on June 1.

> £500 mAldives A seven-night stay costs £989pp with Bridge The World (bridgetheworld.com, 0800 988 6884). Includes return flights and fourstar, B&B accommodation at the Bandos Island Resort & Spa. Valid for travel between June 3 and July 4. Departs London Heathrow or Gatwick. sHArm el sHeikH A seven-night stay costs from £567pp with lowcostholidays.com. (0800 1116271). Includes return flights and five-star, all-inclusive accommodation at the Hilton Sharm Dreams Resort. Departs London Gatwick on July 9. itAly A seven-night farm cottage rental in the Chianti Hills near Siena costs £558pp (save £98) with Invitation to Tuscany (020 8444 9500; invitationtotuscany.com). Includes room-only accommodation in the Noce cottage which sleeps two to three. Excludes flights. Valid for travel throughout June.

DaILy traVeL DeaLs Go to tntmagazine.com/travel/latedeals where new travel deals are updated daily. there are more than 30 deals live at any time. Also sign up for tNt’s weekly travel newsletter, which will be emailed to you every Wednesday with the most up-to-date deals and guides to over 170 destinations. Sign up at tntmagazine.com/travelemail.

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AmsterdAm A two-night stay costs £129pp with easyJet Holidays (easyJet.com/holidays; 0843 1041000). Includes direct return flights and four-star, B&B accommodation at the Best Western Blue Square. Departs from London Southend on June 11. Berlin A two-night stay costs £115pp with easyJet Holidays (0843 1041000; easyJet.com/holidays). Includes direct return flights and fourstar B&B accommodation. Prices based on two people sharing. Departs from London Luton on June 10. GrAn CAnAriA A seven-night stay in Gran Canaria costs £179pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Trip includes direct return flights and three-star, self-catering accommodation at the Palmeramar Apartments in Puerto Rico. Departs from London Luton on June 5. krAkow A two-night stay costs £98pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes direct return flights and four-star, B&B accommodation at the Sympozjum. Prices based on two people sharing. Departs from London Stansted June 11. itAly A two-night stay in Lake Maggiore costs £154pp with easyJet Holidays (easyJet.com/holidays; 0843 1041000). Includes three-star, B&B accommodation at the Hotel Brisino. Departs from London Gatwick on June 17.

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24/05/2013 19:09:25

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PATRICIA MONTENEGRO Talks travel photography

3-DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND + PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE

WINNER

WIN

Email your images to hotshots@tntmultimedia.com First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com). Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

RUNNER-UP

WINNER

RUNNER-UP

PARIS MOVEMENT Mat Lynch, Australia

WAIHOU RIVER, PUTARURU Saralena White, New Zealand

WHY IT WORKS Mat took this spectacular shot while strolling down the Champs-Elysées. “I wanted to capture Paris in movement, the fluidity of its streets,” he tells us. “They are the lifeblood of the city; always dynamic, always alive. I wanted to capture this movement to show the city pulsing.” Mat explains he used a tripod, delayed the shutter speed and opened up the aperture to achieve the desired effect. “I dodged traffic and took at least 100 shots ‘til I got the one I wanted,” he adds. Dedicated!

WHY IT WORKS Perhaps most striking about this photo is the sheer array of shades of green that Saralena has captured. “The beautiful blues and greens of this photo remind me of my home in New Zealand,” says Saralena, who is probably missing vibrant colours and light in general now that she lives in London. “What made me stop to take this photo was the tranquility of it. I can feel the crisp air, smell the fresh foliage and the spring water, and I can hear the sound of the water gently flowing past me in the placid landscape.” Aah Saralena, you are making our mouths water.

WHERE IN THE WORLD?

A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

WIN

Going away somewhere soon? Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world. Files must be at least 500Kb.

MOUNT KINABALU, MALAYSIAN BORNEO Dujon Toussaint, from England

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TOP FIVE

weird restaurants

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Modern toilet restaurant, taiwan

Everyone’s got their idea of a perfect meal out – for some it’s a family bucket at KFC, for some it’s Heston Blumenthal’s Fat Duck tasting menu. For a surprising amount of others still, it’s fishing around in a toilet bowl. Seriously, we’re not yanking your chain. At Taiwan’s Modern Toilet Restaurant, the food comes served in miniature bogs, the drinks in urinals (don’t order weak iced tea) and practically every other aspect of the decor is themed around the crapper. Need a napkin? Pull a few sheets off the dunny roll dispenser on the wall. Plungers hang off the ceiling, the light fittings look like giant poos. The seats, naturally, are disused toilets. As for the actual washrooms, you guessed it, you do your business on a plate. But this eatery is no flash in the pan – the first branch of Modern Toilet opened in Kaohsiung, Taiwan, and was such a success there are now 12 restaurants in Taiwan and Hong Kong, with plans to expand into Macau and Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. It all began when owner Wang 54 00

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Tzi-Wei started selling dollops of chocolate ice cream on paper squat toilets. Customers apparently found his scatological humour hilarious, and the idea for the Modern Toilet Restaurant took shape. Wang has been quoted saying he was inspired by a Japanese cartoon with a poo-obsessed character, but to figure out how he made the leap from this to a toilet-themed restaurant is, well, a bit of a strain. Hotpot, curries, noodle soup and lots of other soggy foodstuffs that look unappealing floating in a toilet bowl are all on offer for your pleasure. But apparently it doesn’t put people off. One food blogger, writing for mrnaomi.wordpress.com, said the food was good but, “I am not really impressed with the look of the dessert. It’s kind of disgusting like mixed everything in it [sic].” That’s what’s disgusting? That the dessert has too many ingredients? If you say so... moderntoilet.com.tw

WORLD’S BEST FOODIE HOLIDAYS tntmagazine.com/foodie-breaks

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Kayabukiya, Japan

A traditional Japanese sake-house restaurant in Utsunomiya, north of Tokyo, has swapped wait staff for servile monkeys. The two macaques at Kayabukiya Tavern serve customers, one bringing drinks to the tables and the other giving guests hot towels. They both get tipped soya beans for their efforts. Due to Japanese animal rights regulations, they are each only allowed to work for two hours a day. jnto.go.jp

Photos: TNT, Getty, YouTube

Nekorobi, Japan

Fancy a little cuddle with your coffee? Try one of Tokyo’s cat cafes, where you pay by the hour to play with soft fluffy critters for as long as you like. Tokyo has plenty of cat cafes, most likely because most apartments in the city don’t allow pets. Cat Cafe Nekorobi has 12 in-house kitties that love to be petted, as well as books, magazines and games. Can’t afford the plane ticket? Aussie entrepreneur Lauren Pears is hoping to open London’s first cat cafe in summer. nekorobi.jp

c&C, thailand

Affordable luxury

“Our food is guaranteed not to cause pregnancy” is the slogan of popular Bangkok restaurant chain Cabbages And Condoms. As opposed to all that food that does get you up the duff? Anyway, quibbles aside, this restaurant is all about johnnies, which are displayed on the walls, carpets and as artworks, plus given away free. And yes, that’s an inflated condom on the waiter’s head in the picture above. Ha, what is he like? pda.or.th

Dick’s LAst resort, Us

At Dick’s Last Resort, you can expect to be insulted by waiting staff, have napkins thrown in your face and be treated obnoxiously all through the evening. And you’ll damn well like it. This US bar and restaurant chain thrives on its unique treatment of customers. You’ll be given a big dunce hat to wear with something rude written on it, and can sup drinks called ‘Raspberry Dicksuckle.’ You can even buy a T-shirt to take home with the slogan: ‘Real Women Love Dick’s’. Nice.

plas curig overview The first and only hostel in Wales to have been awarded the coveted fivestar rating from Visit Wales, Plas Curig is a former YHA hostel given an impressive makeover. The staff is friendly, and a room is a fraction of the price of many charmless identikit hotel chains. The decor is colourful and there’s a spacious communal kitchen. The views from the hostel over the hills and mountains are bound to tempt you out for a hike, or any number of outdoor activities on offer in the area. Owner Amy McIntyre says she was inspired by some of the beautiful hostels she found on her travels in Asia and wanted to bring “affordable luxury” to the UK. wow factor Stepping out into the gorgeous Snowdonia National Park with babbling streams in the mountain village of Capel Curig, just a few miles from tourist fave, the village of Betws-y-Coed. Rooms If you don’t fancy sharing one of the four-bed bunk dorm rooms, there’s the option of a family-sized room. All are clean and cosy. Bill, please Dorm beds from £22.50pppn – cracking value.

snowdoniahostel.co.uk

dickslastresort.com

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Idyllic: parts of the Tuscan countryside remain untouched

Tuscany Italy

florence pisa Tuscany rome

italy

GETTING THERE Fly from London Gatwick to Pisa from ÂŁ88 return with easyJet easyjet.co.uk

Must-do: Pisaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wonky tower 56

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Local life: bike country tracks and (above) sample the regional delicacies

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Farming out We get stuck into local life on a Tuscan farm, discovering remote lakes, tough cycle routes and secret underground liquor stashes Words orlando crowcroft

We’re hurtling through olive groves and vineyards as Stefano Mazzetti tells us the story of his farm, bouncing around in his fire-red golf buggy as an orange sun sets over the nearby town of Chianciano Terme. This is Tuscany, Italy, where I’ve spent the afternoon with a tour group getting plastered on red wine from Stefano’s vineyard – a bottomless supply comes with the stay – and now he’s showing us where the grapes we’ve been enjoying were grown. Stefano’s farm has been in the family for eight generations, bought by an ancestor with money earned over half a lifetime spent labouring in the Tuscan fields. Once a London-based chef of some renown, Stefano moved back home 10 years ago and has been running La Pietriccia as an ‘agriturismo’ or farmstay ever since. We’re staying at his spacious villa to get a taste of the local lifestyle, which means eating and drinking huge amounts of regional produce, cycling, soaking up the scenery, generally living the good life – and avoiding other tourists like the plague. Home to six Unesco World Heritage sites and some of the best wine in the world, Tuscany is hardly undiscovered. The regional capital of Florence receives 10 million tourists a year, with Sienna and Pisa drawing in millions more. Mercifully, Chianciano Terme is far enough away from these hotspots not to have caught the mass tourism bug, meaning its idyllic rolling fields and rustic style remain largely unspoilt. Bright and early the following morning, we are greeted by lycra-clad Andreas, who’s taking us out on a day-long bike ride, from Chianciano to Lake Montepulciano. He promises us the journey won’t be onerous, but it turns out that the hilly landscape of southern Tuscany is a tough ride. At each steep rise, Andreas’s unconvincing shouts that these are only small slopes – “piccolo, piccolo!” – don’t make it any easier, especially when we find out his last jaunt covered the 400odd miles between Rome and Florence. But when we arrive, we’re rewarded for our efforts with the sight of the huge, deserted Lake Montepulciano, sitting peacefully in a golden valley. Buzzards soar silently overhead and nearby, a beaver sits in the middle of the track, gnawing on a recently felled tree. It’s one of the selling points for this trip that guests are kept away from the camera-wielding, tour-bus packing hordes, and I’m amazed to see that even in

this perfect rural scenery, there isn’t another tourist in sight. After a cheese and beer-heavy lunch in a local restaurant we pedal furiously back to the agriturismo. Huge grey storm clouds gather overhead, but with impeccable timing, we arrive with minutes to spare before the heavens open. As rain lashes outside it’s the perfect moment for Stefano to let us in on a little secret. Descending to a hidden cellar below the house he shows us rack after rack of vincente, the sweet Tuscan liquor. Among the oldest bottles of the port-like

“

We’re led to a secret cellar full of booze

”

drink are some made by his great-grandfather in 1933, the corks rotten but still good, he says, telling us how he recently drank one to celebrate the birth of his son. On another ››

Taste of Tuscany: a bottomless wine supply is an advantage of a farmstay tntMagazine.com

shelf are dozens of bottles of grappa brewed from everything from nuts to strawberries, so naturally we spend the rest of the night tasting various samples from this treasure trove. We’ve been cocooned in our rural bubble for a few days, so Pisa, which we visit the following day to see the infamous leaning tower, is a bit of a shock to the system. We join the throngs taking that classic pose-as-though-you’re-holding-itup snap, before ditching the Central Square and heading into the quieter parts of town. Just like the rest of Tuscany, away from the crowds Pisa is lively and local, and an enjoyable place to spend a few hours drinking coffee and watching people go about their business. As we get ready to depart Pisa’s small airport later that day, I genuinely feel as though I’ve been let in on a secret at Chianciano Terme – that if you really want to get away from it all, there’s a side of Tuscany that remains remarkably untouched, where you can do just that. ❚ Orlando went on G Adventures’ ‘Living like a local’ tour of Tuscany, priced from £799pp for seven days gadventures.com

FOR THE BEST OF TRAVEL IN ITALY tntmagazine.com/italy-travel

Rolling hills: a typical Tuscan scene

next week More than Marrakech: The unmissable cities of Morocco

MIDRANGE

LUXURY

eat

Set around a small square in the centre of Pienza, Sette di Vino is a two-storey, locally run restaurant famous for its fried cheese. A twocourse meal with house red wine costs from £17. (Piazza di Spagna 1)

A rare thing, a decent pizza restaurant within spitting distance of an Italian landmark, Pizzeria Duomo offers good food, great service and affordable prices just a couple of minutes from the Leaning Tower of Pisa. ristorante-duomo.it

A family-run restaurant just minutes away from Lake Montepulciano, Casa Vacanze I Chiari serves hearty Tuscan food in a vast courtyard and in summer its pool makes it a favourite with locals. A three-course meal costs from £25, with house wine. casavacanzeichiari.it

drink

A tiny bar in the centre of Sienna (about an hour’s drive from Chianciano Terme), Key Largo overlooks the Piazza il Campo, and is quieter than the restaurants and cafes that pack one of the most famous squares in Italy. Drinks from £3.50. (Piazza Il Campo, 53100 Sienna)

Enoteca la Fortezza di Montalcino is inside Montalcino’s historic fort, and provides access to the ramparts (tickets have to be bought at the counter). An excellent place to while away an hour with a bottle of wine, which costs from £17. enotecalafortezza.com

The place to go in Pisa for locally brewed beers, late closing and a good crowd, Orzo Bruno brews everything from orange-infused ales to IPAs and is open until 2am. Beers from £4. orzobruno.it

sleep

Hostel Pisa is located, unsurprisingly, within a stone’s throw of the famous leaning tower. It’s clean, friendly, and is an affordable base for excursions into Tuscany. Dorm beds from £15pn. hostelpisa.com

Set in a 13th-century Italian fortress, just 8km from Sienna city centre, Fattoria di Cavaglioni is certainly a quirky way to see the Tuscan countryside. It’s a 25-minute bus ride into town from the hotel. Rooms from £30pn. anfamtos.com

Agriturismo-ristorante La Pietriccia is run by Stefano Mattezzi and his family, across the valley from the town of Chianciano Terme – best to book as a package through G Adventures. Rooms from approx £70-80pn. lapietriccia.com

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Photos: Thinkstock, Getty, G Adventure Tours

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23/05/2013 14:30:48

Jungle trek: try Thailand for a taste of the tropics

Epic trips Worldwide

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24/05/2013 11:21:00

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Big summer holidays How are you spending your summer? Get inspired by our guide to top tropical adventures, African odysseys and European tours Words Helen Elfer

Got two weeks off? A month? Summer’s the time to think big, leave your normal life far behind and get out there into the farthest reaches of the globe to see all those places you’ve always wanted to. Whether you like to pack in as much action as you can, reach new heights of decadent partying or kick back and relax in beautiful scenery, there’s a destination out there with your name on it. So have a read of some of our dream trips here, and see if any, or all of them, take your fancy. Interrailing, Europe They might have worn neon legwarmers, listened to Wham! and done terrible, terrible things with their hair, but the Eighties backpacker generation certainly knew how to travel. Take a leaf out of their book and spend the summer interrailing. It’s still a relatively cheap way to travel, and better still, is incredibly flexible. You can start your trip planning to hit every gallery and art museum on the continent, with Paris at the top of your list. Then maybe you’ll get sidetracked, and decide it’s epic monuments you want to see, and visit Berlin to see the Brandenburg Gate. Craving some ancient history? On to Rome to visit the Colosseum then. After all that culture, you might decide to get outdoorsy, and squeeze in some surfing in Portugal or hikes in Switzerland’s mountains. Don’t forget about the Netherlands, where you can spend time in cool microbreweries, or hanging out in the cafes that line the historic canals. Perhaps you’d prefer to head east, and enjoy a week partying hard in the hedonistic cities of Belgrade and Prague. And just keep going and going until your money or annual leave runs out – whichever happens first. We reckon the best way to do it is to divide your time between must-see places, cultural events and music festivals, and leave at least a week for just seeing where the journey takes you. MAKE IT HAPPEN: The Interrail Global Pass is valid in 30 countries, including Austria, Finland, France, Germany, Italy, Portugal, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland and Turkey among others. Prices start from £159 for five day’s worth of travel (to be taken within 10 days). If you can spare the time though, the one-month continuous pass at £382 is the

best value. Tickets vary depending on whether you’re an EU resident or not. interrail.eu Island hopping, Croatia Been working your butt off this year? Maybe you just want to spend your holidays chilling out then. How does letting someone else drive the yacht, pour the drinks and cook the dinner sound, while you lie on various decks and beaches in Croatia? The easiest way to do it is just plonk your cash down for an everything-taken-care-of package which will include a little sightseeing, a lot of island hopping and as much sea and sun as you can take. Don’t miss out on the lush Rab island, where the endless green woods have plenty of pretty bike and trekking trails, while those who enjoy a bit of diving can make the most of the clear waters, with wrecks and marine life to goggle at. For good old-fashioned sightseeing, leave yourself a day or two in Dubrovnik, where you can stroll the historic medieval walls, and check out the almost-too-perfectly restored old city, such as the Town Hall (now the Rector’s Palace), dating from the 11th century and the 14th-century Franciscan Monastery. For mesmerising views over the orange roofs and blue Adriatic Sea, take a ride on the cable car, which brings you to over 400m high. Finally, for a cheeky bit of nightlife, visit the island of Pag, which has such a raucous scene it’s been dubbed the “Croatian Ibiza.” Let off some steam drinking and dancing on the sand here. Alternatively get your partying done at Hvar, a riot of bars, terraces and clubs, and conveniently, where many cruises start or finish. MAKE IT HAPPEN: Lots of tour operators offer all-inclusive packages for one- or two-week cruises. Check for which meals are included (some have all-you-can-drink offers) as well as any extra charges for excursions and activities. MORE: Fly from London to Split (the nearest airport to Hvar) with easyJet from £106 return. easyjet.com Gorilla safari, Uganda It’s the wildlife trip on everyone’s lips at the moment – an expedition to see the rare and endangered mountain ›› tntMagazine.com

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Hot shots: pose with icons Machu Picchu in Peru and (above, left) the Colosseum

gorilla. These are among 11 different primates you can visit in the tropical rainforests of Uganda, Congo and Rwanda (you’re likely to also encounter chimps, baboons, and a variety of monkeys). Over half of the world’s remaining 800-odd mountain gorillas live in in Bwindi Impenetrable Forest and Mgahinga Gorilla Park in Uganda – none live in captivity as they can’t survive in detention. On a gorilla tracking trip in Bwindi, you’ll stay in one of the National Park’s lodges, where you’ll be put into a small group and allocated a gorilla family to track. Then there’s a big hike through the Impenetrable Forest to find the hairy creatures, which could take between two and eight hours, depending on where they’ve got to. But while it’s a tough trek, covering hills and rough terrain, you’ll be able to see all sorts of other wildlife (think exotic plants and animals). When you finally track the mountain gorillas down, you’ll be able to watch them playing, feeding, snoozing and ambling around from as close as 5m away – by all accounts a truly incredible experience. MAKE IT HAPPEN: You need to be in reasonable shape for almost all gorilla tracking, so make sure you’re up to an eight-hour hike or you’ll run into difficulties. Then choose an environmentally conscious company. New Uganda (newuganda.com) has a number of recommended tour operators which offer gorilla tracking and other activities. MORE: Fly from London Heathrow to Entebbe airport from £902 return with British Airways. ba.com

ancient ruins. In Mexico, you can visit Tulum, originally known as ‘City of Dawn’ because it faces the sunrise. This is the site of a Pre-Colombian Maya walled city, with three famous ruins, El Castillo, the Temple of the Descending God and possibly the most interesting – the two-storey Temple of the Frescoes, which is thought to have been used by the ancient Mayans as an observatory for tracking the movements of the sun. Next you’ll want to head deep into the jungle to find ››

Mayan ruins, Mexico Make South America your playground this summer, with an adventure that’ll take you through a series of mystical 64

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what’s left of the 1500-year-old city of Coba, which was once home to 50,000 inhabitants. Here you’ll get to see Nohoch Mul, which is the tallest pyramid on the Yucatán peninsula. Finally, no journey to Mexico would be complete without setting eyes on Chichen Itza, one of the most famous Mayan ruins and one of the New Seven Wonders of the World. The complex includes the famous Temple of Kukulkan, also known as El Castillo, a pyramid with 365 steps which was built to be used as a colossal stone calendar. MAKE IT HAPPEN: This is an easy trip to organise yourself, and you’ll find hundreds of backpackers on a similar route this summer. Check visitmexico.com for more information. MORE: Fly from London to Mexico City from £736 return with British Airways. ba.com Jungle trekking, Thailand Jungle trekking in Northern Thailand’s Chiang Mai is always mired in controversy – tourism is a huge source of income for the region, which has had both positive and negative knockon effects. Hordes of tourists crashing through the jungle on treks does nothing for the local wildlife, while streams of visitors to hill tribe villages is a big intrusion on their way of life. So when you’re booking a Thailand trek, make sure you do it with a reputable company, and ask questions about sustainable practices they follow. Eco-concerns out of the way, a trek in Northern Thailand can be a sensational experience. The region is used to catering for visitors, so there’s a huge variety of treks on offer, ranging from cheap to pricey and easy-peasy to gruelling. Yours could include an elephant ride through the jungle, bamboo river rafting along the Mai Tang river, hiking through the Doi Chiangdao mountain range or learning about the lifestyle of the Hmong hill tribe. MAKE IT HAPPEN: Tiger Trail Outdoor Adventures are a responsible travel company that offer well-considered hilltribe treks (tigertrailthailand.com). NEXT WEEK MORE: Fly from London Heathrow to Galapagos: Gatwick from £887 return with British A once in a lifetime trip Airways. ba.com ❚ FOR MORE BUCKET LIST TRIPS ABROAD tntmagazine.com/travel-bucketlist

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CHEFS/BAR/CATERING

CLASSIFIEDS

CARE WORK

LIVE-IN CARERS REQUIRED Earn up to £595.00 pEr wEEk nurses and experienced carers needed to join our friendly team to help make a difference in someone’s life - Self-employed. Experience not always essential - Flexible dates, fit travel plans around work - Client specific training - Great support from our experienced team

please call: 020 7183 6686 www.trinityhomecare.co.uk office located in wimbledon

Multi award winning, Michelin starred restaurant requires

CHEF DE PARTIE If you are interested in working with great food and in an energetic, friendly team please email your CV to mattchristmas@chezbruce.co.uk

We offer excellent rates of pay, but sound experience in similarly high class establishment is a must.

Trusted to care since 1996

We need professional, dedicated & compassionate live-in carers GENERAL EMPLOYMENT We offer: - Excellent pay rates - Free training days & specialist updates - Professional work environment - 24/7 support

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!!

- Holiday pay Do you have professional experience, excellent communication skills & dedication to delivering the highest quality of care? Recognised as the leading independent care provider, we are looking for live-in carers for short and long-term positions delivering home care on a one to one basis. Call 020 7351 7171 Email recruitment@draycottnursing.co.uk

www.draycottnursing.co.uk

CHEFS/BAR/CATERING

Draycott_TNTAd_Vsn3_130328.indd 3

Professional Chef de Parties required

for Event Catering companies within Central London. £9.00-£12.50 p/h. Weekly pay, flexible hours, 7 days p/w. CV, Qual, Passport, Hyg Cert ess. Tel: 0208 946 6342 or 0208 944 1609 Email: claire@claireschefs.com (Agy)

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24/05/2013 18:11:45

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Post your message at tntmagazine.com/seeking or email seeking@tntmagazine.com. Text TNT and your message to 81707* get along and make lots of fluffy babies. We can get some mini paper hats, some luxury sunflower seeds and go all out. Contact me in Desperately Seeking next week if you’re up for it. Squeak squeak! (Slightly Strange) Sara ROAD HOG : To the bus driver who had clearly left something on the stove or wanted to become the first driver to reach terminal velocity in a double decker. You were a reckless freak but one

surgeon’s and asked to be made to look like someone had melted Joan Rivers and Zsa Zsa Gabor into a bobblehead. Just saying. Big G FISHY BUSINESS : To the internet date who took me to a seafood restaurant. You made such a palaver of slurping oysters while eyeballing me in a very, y’know, meaningful way. Even though it was a bit gross I thought you’d be hot stuff when we got to it. Gosh, you really weren’t. You shouldn’t

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who made our journey home last Saturday so much more fun. Good on you, you crazy little man. Try not to kill anyone. Jaz LOUD MOUTHS: Men in sandals with loud hailers, chattering about how this is the end of the world and only they are going to be saved. The sun always brings you out, doesn’t it – but whhhyyyy? Viv PULLED A PIG?: Sorry Matty, didn’t mean to offend the girl you brought back the other night. She was lovely, but she did look like she had gone in to a plastic

lead girls on like that. Disappointed. BEER BABE: Loopy Lu, when you said you hadn’t felt like drinking through the first five pints, but the sixth one had gone down a treat, I knew you were the girl for me. Marry me? (I mean, obvs not really, but, like, dinner or something?) Todd ANIMAL IN BED: Jason, I’m really glad you’re getting some at last, really I am. But dude, your GF makes some weeeee-urrrrd noises in the sack. I could handle a bit of headboard banging, but was she miaowing last Tues? WTF? Stu

HOTSHOT : My name is Fernando. I am an erotic photographer recently arrived in London from beautiful Buenos Aires. I was never short of supple young subjects in my native Argentina but since moving to the UK I am struggling to find willing women for my art. If you are an amateur model looking to expand your portfolio contact me. (Please bring your own baby oil). Fernando GIRL POWER : I’m looking for a genuinely empowered woman. A woman who knows that societydefined gender roles are bullshit and is open to building a new kind of relationship based on the synergies of our unfettered personalities. Patriarchy protectors need not apply. Also, no fat chicks. Jonty FEEDING TIME: I’m a very attractive, 26-year-old professional female with a very specific fetish. I’m looking for a bisexual or lesbian to join in with a threesome with my boyfriend and I, only they need to be lactating currently. No weird mummy complexes thanks. Just because I’m sucking them doesn’t mean you’re my mother. Tara SEX TOY: To girls who lead people on. Have a heart. If you are just going to treat people like they are pieces of meat, be upfront about it. Don’t booty call us and then say soppy things to us, only to then reject us in favour of some posho with a fucking deck shoe collection. I have cried hot, hot tears of torment. You only wanted me for my body. Gordon, heartbroken in Lambeth.

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SCOTTIE HOTTIE : To the wee lassie with the amazing green eyes and the (sometimes) tartan skirt who gets off the Circle line every day at St James’s Park – will ya join me for a few drams of whisky some time? You seem like my kinda girl. Admiring regards from the fella with spiky black hair and (sometimes) a white-and-blue rugby shirt. Sean PERTH CALLING : Herbie – here’s to you being the last man standing! What is London’s loss is Perth’s gain (well, until we can find a way out of here anyway). It’s impossible to list all of the good times had in the little space here, but we have our memories, the people, the places, the trips, the banter, the bat cave, the ghetto, the mash... all are irreplaceable and all of them include you. Hurry home to us Miss Williams, the benders aren’t as affordable but we can’t wait to have one with you! Love NVG, Maria and the Gang x QUEEN OF MY HEART: We were downing shots at the bar at Queen of Hoxton and I didn’t get your number. If you remember me, get in touch – you were all in white (which wasn’t white after you fell on the floor) and I was wearing a tea cosy. Don’t know where that came from. Anyway, post a message here next week or contact TNT, alright? You rock! Dave GUINEA PIG PARTY: To all fans of hamsters and guinea pigs across London, if you can’t get enough of those loveable rodents get in touch with me and we’ll have a party, maybe see if our pets

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