TNT Magazine / Issue 1498

May 14-20 2012 Issue 1498 tntmagazine.com

WIN!

A THREENIGHT FESTIV AL TRIP WITH STOKE TRAV EL

THE GREAT OUTDOORS Al fresco summer events in London

GEEK OR UNIQUE? Festival Of The Spoken Nerd rocks into town

ROLLING ON THE RIVER We go canyoning and rafting in the Pyrenees

S E H C A E B K U BEST countr e h t e v a le o out having t h it w s k a e r b Top seaside

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CAROL DRIVER EDITOR carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER There are just two weeks to go before our milestone 1500th issue, and we want you to get involved. Send in your stories of the role TNT has played in your lives, and, if you’ve got photos, that’s even better. Email letters@ tntmagazine.com, and look out for the special issue on May 28. But not before you’ve enjoyed this packed-to-therafters edition. We’re gearing up for summer, so fill your diary with events taking place in London – see P8-11. Enjoy!

THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

4-5

LONDONNEWS

6

MY LONDON

12

DRINK & EATS @TNT

16

SPOTTED

19

LONDON SOUND

20-21

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

22+25

COMPETITIONS

18+30

LONDON FOCUS

26

CHATROOM NIC CAPELLE

31

LONDON SCENE

32-33

LIFESTYLE

34-43

SPARE TIME

34

SHOPPING

35

HEALTH & BEAUTY

36-37

CAREERS

38-39

LIVING

40-41

NEWS & SPORT

44-55

TRAVEL

57-80

76

FEATURES AL FRESCO FUN

8-11

Fingers crossed, this summer will be sunny. Here’s the best outdoor events.

SCIENCE GETS FUNNY

We speak to the Festival Of The Spoken Word ahead of their London show.

58

PEACE, MAN

NEWS

59

LATE DEALS

62

Chill out at a yoga class. Here’s our pick of the best classes held in the capital.

TOP FIVE

66

TIPS & STUFF

68-69

SHORTBREAK

70-72

48 HOURS IN... BOGOTA CLASSIFIEDS DESPERATELY SEEKING

65 74-75 82-113 114

48

26-28

DIARY

HOTSHOTS Photos: TNT. Cover: Thinkstock

14-15

MEME MADNESS?

36-37

48-49

TNT tests the theory that LOLcats actually make you clever. Seriously.

BESIDE THE SEASIDE

60-61

You really don’t have to leave the UK to find top beaches. Here’s our top six.

ALTITUDE ADVENTURE

76-80

Our writer goes climbing, abseiling, caving and rafting in the Pyrenees.

08 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

1498 Contents.indd 3

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EDITORIAL Editor Carol Driver Sub editor Jahn Vannisselroy Content editors: Acting Travel Laura Chubb Entertainment Alasdair Morton News & sport Tom Sturrock Web Oliver Jones Staff writer Clare Vooght Staff writer/editorial assistant Rebecca Kent

LONDONDIARY

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Purple rinses and hip-hop?

DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke Acting picture researcher Ruth Board DIGITAL & IT Head of digital marketing and development Syed Ahmad Social Media Coordinator Dan Thorne SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Classified Ad Manager Matt Syder Sales executives Tyler Harrison | Eddie Clinton | Donovan Smith | Michael Fair Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events assistant Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh TNT MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst PUBLISHER TNT Multimedia Limited DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP SAPA NZPA PICTURES Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 16 Brune St, London, E1 7NJ tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com SALES ENQUIRIES

PHONE 020 7989 0567 EMAIL sales@tntmagazine.com WHERE TO GET TNT

COVER PRICE: £1 where sold SEE tntmagazine.com/findtnt for pick-up points or tntmagazine.com/emag to read TNT online SUBSCRIPTIONS AND DISTRIBUTION Caroline Penn 01603 559004

Shhh... SECRET LONDON MUSICAL BINGO WITH JESS INDEEDY DRINK, SHOP AND DO

Bingo has traditionally been the pastime of folk of a certain age, namely deathdodging oldies. Stereotypes may not always be the most accurate portrayal, but their very existence is based on, perceived, frequent occurrence. That’s all set to change here, though, with the big pen and number scorecard replaced by a far more engaging – and probably challenging – musical edition. Rather than looking out for the two fat ladies, players listen to tunes and mark them on their card by genres (hip-hop, electro, indie etc). £7

Thurs, May 17. 8pm-12am 9 Caledonian Road, N1 9DX

King’s Cross

musical-bingo.com

CULTURE SHOCK: ROBOCOP

HOXTON UKULELE HOOTENANY

FEMMES BY THE THAMES

There’s a remake in the works, due for release next year – it will surely be billed as a reimagining, and a ‘dark’ one at that. Before this taints your memories, though, catch the original, a gruesomely violent, deeply satirical vision of a corporate future, starring Detroit’s most iconic law enforcer.

DJs were the new guitar gods, but nob-twiddlers and six-string legends have both been surplanted by the instrument du jour – the little ukulele.

This weekly night celebrates the easy to learn-difficult to master instrument, with a tutorial at 7pm followed by a 9pm performance and play-along. Rock on!

London’s premier female cabaret and comedy night, this regular event hosts a special one-off at previous venue Battersea Barge, with a line-up that includes stand-up Shazia Mirza, musical sketch comedian Cariad Lloyd, musical comedy poet Liz Bentley and singer songwriter Mary Leay.

Tues, May 15. 9pm Ritzy Cinema, SW2 1JG Brixton picturehouses.co.uk

Tues, May 15. 7.30pm-10pm Queen of Hoxton, EC2A 3JX Old Street queenofhoxton.co.uk

Thurs, May 17. 7pm Battersea Barge, Nine Elms Lane, SW8 5BP Vauxhall femmesbythethames.com

All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

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BMXs and broken bones, maybe

EMPIRE OF DIRT Alexandra Palace

Boasting the most challenging BMX course assembled in the world, this two-day event will attract 10,000 spectators to watch 36 riders compete to prove themselves the best, most fearless all-round BMX star. Straddling all disciplines within the sport, this competition, the brainchild of BMX legend Kye Forte, promises some dazzling stunts and, surely, some bone-breaking crashes, too. After all, the possibility of it all going tits-up is half the fun. £5+

May 19-20. 12pm-5pm N22 7AY Wood Green

redbull.co.uk/empireofdirt

INDEPENDENT LABEL MARKET

WORDS IN THE PARK

Some of the world’s finest independent record labels – Moshi Moshi, Domino, Warp – come together for this vinyltreasuring event. Running in east London for the third year in a row, it shows that buying music can be as social an experience as listening, dancing or moshing along to it. Get along.

This three-day literary festival has top names – Sandi Toksvig, Sophie Dahl, Jeremy Paxman, author PD James, Andrew Marr, Tony Benn – to wax lyrical on topics such as defending democracy, food, looking at clouds and, best of all, Alain de Botton on religion for atheists.

FREE

Sat, May 19. 11am-5pm Old Spitalfields Market, E1 6DT Liverpool Street oldspitalfieldsmarket.com

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£12

May 18-20. 11am-7.45pm Opera Holland Park, Central Library, Phillmore Walk, W8 7RX High Street Kensington operahollandpark.com

11/5/12 15:30:11

LONDONNEWS

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@tntmagazine

JACK? NO IT WAS LIZZIE THE RIPPER London’s most enduring murder mystery has thrown up a new suspect, begging the question: could Jack The Ripper have been a woman?

In former solicitor John Morris’s book he claims Welsh-born Lizzie Williams as the Whitechapel monster.

In Jack The Ripper: The Hand Of A Woman he claims she butchered her female victims to death because she could not have children herself.

“The case for a woman murderer is overwhelming. But unfortunately it does not sit well in some quarters,” Morris said. The Ripper struck five times during 10 weeks in 1888.

I was cycling and I was thinking about everything and I thought sod it I bet nobody has invited Ken to the Olympics Boris Johnson shows his charitable side after winning the mayoral election

REMAINING OCCUPY TENTS FACE EVICTION The last of the Occupy tent protesters face eviction, it was announced on Friday. The outpost in Finsbury Square sprung up as Occupy London pitched up outside St Paul’s Cathedral in October. It came as the Occupy movement said a new wave of action was being planned around the world, calling for economic equality.

ON THE TUBE

Sacha Baron Cohen makes an entrance for the premiere of The Dictator last week at London’s Royal Festival Hall

Bus drivers strike threat Union wants more pay for working during Olympics Thousands of London bus drivers are to vote on Olympic strike action this week. Unite confirmed that it has given 21 London bus companies notice of a ballot, which will involve 21,000 of its members in London.

The union is asking for a £500 payment to recognise the “massive increase” in workload during the Games in the capital.

Unite pointed out that other transport workers, including those on London Underground, London Overground, Docklands Light Railways, Network Rail and Virgin, will receive hundreds of pounds in extra payments during the Olympics.

It added that 800,000 extra passengers were expected to travel on buses during the Olympics. Unite official Peter Kavanagh

said that bus workers would be going “above and beyond the call of duty” over the Olympics, and accused the London Mayor of failing to intervene on the workers’ behalf.

“Boris Johnson has sat on his hands for almost a year while the bus operators have refused to even talk to Unite about their workers’ extra contribution to the Olympics,” he said.

Transport for London’s managing director Leon Daniels said of the dispute: “London bus drivers are employed by private bus companies and their pay and conditions are set by those companies.

“If bus drivers are required to work additional hours they are always paid overtime accordingly.”

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

THIS WEEKEND’S CLOSURES

CENTRAL: No service between Marble Arch and Bethnal Green all weekend.

NORTHERN: No service between Edgware and Hampstead all weekend.

Rail replacement buses operate.

WATERLOO & CITY: No Sunday service.

Be there: Olympic stadium

Photos: Getty

6

About 900,000 tickets for this summer’s Olympic Games are to go back on sale.

More than one million unsuccessful ballot applicants will have until Thursday to scoop up the tickets before they go on sale to the public from May 23.

“We’re very mindful of the promise we made last summer to get tickets to as many people who applied as possible, and prioritise them in future sales,” says Locog chairman Seb Coe. For the first time Locog has released general numbers of tickets available in each of the sports. These include volleyball (74,000), hockey (62,000), beach volleyball (60,000), canoe sprint (23,000), badminton (26,000), diving (49,000) and football at Wembley (55,000). See tickets.london2012.com

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Magical: the open-air stage in Regent’s Park

F

A breath of fresh air Make the most of the Great British summer with these events taking over the city’s streets, parks and rooftops WORDS CLARE VOOGHT British summers aren’t synonymous with the phrase ‘fun in the sun’, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get your umbrella out and still have a good time. And, in true British spirit, London has plenty of outdoor entertainment to keep you going this season.

The Regent’s Park Open Air Theatre, an old favourite, is now in its 80th year. It’s keeping things pretty lowkey, thanks to the Olympics, but is still hosting two major productions.

On the bill will be the contemporary musical, Ragtime, which follows three families separated by race and destiny at the turn of the 20th century. And then there’ll be the Shakespeare classic A Midsummer Night’s Dream. But while the plays are a big part of the experience, the nights have a little extra something special.

Timothy Sheader, artistic director of the theatre, says: “It’s different to any other theatre because it’s a whole experience that starts as soon as you arrive. You can have a picnic, you can have a barbecue, Pimm’s, champagne.

And it’s got the West End’s longest bar.

“Then you go into the theatre and you can see the rest of the audience, 8

because it’s daylight or dusk. The actors can see you, and you can see them – there’s a real shared experience and conviviality.

“As it gets darker, we all lean forward and it becomes more focused.

There’s a real live, present, shared experience. There’s no us and them.”

But what about that damn rain?

Sheader says the play doesn’t stop when the sky opens, unless there’s a health and safety risk to the actors. And the weather often adds to the atmosphere.

“In the Twelfth Night, Feste sings ‘the rain, the rain, the rain, it commeth every day at the end’ in this beautiful lullaby,” Sheader says. “In this glorious moment on one night, it started to rain during the song and everyone was clapping because it came literally on cue – that was when the rain worked in a good way!”

If film’s more your thing, position yourself in a swanky rooftop setting for a movie instead. The group behind some pretty exciting summer night cinema trips, The Rooftop Film Club, is even having a Best Of British season at The Roof Gardens in Kensington.

Coming up, there’s The Queen on June

4 and rom-com Wimbledon on 10.

Gerry Cottle Jr, the Rooftop Film Club’s founder, says: “The films honour unique British spirit and honour. We couldn’t let the Jubilee pass without taking the opportunity to screen the oscar winning great, The Queen, that leaves you with a new perspective on the royals and a newfound sense of patriotism to boot.”

For the ticket price of £25, you get a tasty fish or burger and chips dinner.

There are also directors chairs to relax in and blankets are on hand to keep you toasty.

If you’re sick of 2012’s British theme already, head to The Queen of Hoxton in Shoreditch or Netil House in London Fields for other classic movies including The Graduate, When Harry Met Sally, Casablanca, The Fly and The Never Ending Story.

MORE LONDON OUTDOOR EVENTS ››

Regent’s Park Open Air Theatre, May 18-Sept 8; From £20.12 NW1 Regent’s Park openairtheatre.com Rooftop Film Club at The Roof Gardens, June 4 &10; £25 W8 5SA High Street Kensington rooftopfilmclub.com

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MOVIES ON THE LAWN FULHAM

CRYSTAL PALACE GARDEN PARTY CRYSTAL PALACE

The legendary summer film series is back with a trio of specially selected movies to be screened in Fulham Palace Gardens. Keep checking the website for updates.

TBA

With rock on Saturday and Jubilee proms on Sunday, plus comedy, arts, a funfair and Shakespeare readings in a maze. £20.50+

September 6, 13 and 20. 6.30pm Fulham Palace, Bishops Avenue, SW6 6EA Putney Bridge fulhampalace.org

June 23-24. 1pm Crystal Palace Park, Thickett Road, SE20 8DT Penge West crystalpalacegardenparty.com

TASTE OF LONDON REGENT’S PARK Have a slice of affordable fine dining in the great outdoors (well, a London park). For the four-day event, chefs from London’s best restaurants, including Gaucho, Maze, Asia de Cuba, L’Anima and Le Gavroche will be dishing up their finest fare for an alfresco feast. Sample starter-sized tasting plates and signature dishes from Michelin-starred restaurants, starting at under a fiver. £24+

June 21-24. Thu-Sat 12pm-4pm and 5.30pm-9.30pm, Sun 12pm-5pm Regent’s Park, Outer Circle Regent’s Park tastefestivals.com

LONDON LIVE ACROSS LONDON This summer, there’ll be lots of chances to soak up some of the Olympic buzz. Screenings of the Olympic and Paralympic Games will be happening in Hyde Park, Victoria Park and Trafalgar Square. Hyde Park will show coverage of every Olympic medal event and while the ticketed opening and closing ceremonies are happening, the spectacles will also be screened in Victoria Park. Vicky Park is also going to be home to sports sessions anyone can take part in. Trafalgar Square will be taking over for the Paralympic Games with screenings and try-ityourself sessions.

FREE

July 27-September 9 Trafalgar Square, EC2N 5DN; Victoria Park, E3 5SN; Hyde Park, W2 2UH btlondonlive.com

10

FOTO8 SUMMERSHOW LAUNCH PARTY BARBICAN

CURIOUS: AN ART TRAIL IN A CEMETERY WEST NORWOOD

BLOC ROYAL VICTORIA DOCKS

Hit up an arty east London street party to celebrate the winners of FOTO8’s competition for images that show the world differently. Ticket price includes free drinks.

West Norwood Cemetery was the most fashionable in the country, and a hive for Victorian tourists. This summer, it is the home of works by 26 artists who were inspired by the site’s Gothic aesthetics.

Hats at the ready for two days of horseracing (Ladies Day first, then Derby Day). Get there at least an hour before the races to place a bet – pick a horse with a silly name and you might get lucky.

A fruity take on a sports day by Innocent Smoothies – with peach volley ball and cycling in a melondrome.

The festival usually happens in a holiday camp, but it’s getting promoted to a much cooler venue – the never-beforeused London Pleasure Gardens. The gardens are a pop-up space, from the brilliant minds that created the beautifully hedonistic debauchery zone Shangri-La at Glastonbury. And it’s got a line-up to back it up, with (take a deep breath) Snoop Dogg (above), Richie Hawtin, Steve Reich, Orbital, Flying Lotus, Gary Numan, Ricardo Villalobos, Nicolas Jaar, Robert Henke’s Monolake, Jeff Mills, DOOM, Joy Orbison b2b Jackmaster, Four Tet and a hell of a lot more. Get your party on.

June 1-2. From 2.15pm Tattenham Corner Road, Epsom Downs KT18 5LQ epsomdowns.co.uk

Sunday July 22. 11am-7pm Regent’s Park Regent’s Park innocentdrinks.co.uk

July 6-7. From 2pm Royal Victoria Docks, E16 2BS Pontoon Dock blocweekend.com

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Fri, July 6. 6.30pm-10.30pm Honduras Street EC1Y Barbican bookwhen.com

EPSOM DERBY FEST EPSOM DOWNS £15+

FREE

June 22–July 20. 9am-4pm Norwood Road, SE27 9JU West Norwood westnorwoodcemetery.com

FRUIT SPORTS DAY REGENT’S PARK £12.50

£99+

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STREET PIANO LESSONS CITY

VAUXHALL ART CAR BOOT FAIR BRICK LANE

Dotted around at various landmarks in the Square Mile and surrounding areas, will be 50 golden street pianos, as part of the City of London Festival. Just turn up to one of the pianos to sign up for a free lesson.

Whether you’re just into looking at art or want to snare yourself a bargain, this is the arty place to head this summer.

Admire pieces from established artists like Tracey Emin, Sir Peter Blake and Polly Morgan or snare a piece from an up-andcoming talent from just £10.

It’s worth it just for a look – all the artists will be there in person, selling their wares from the boots of classic and vintage cars. And there’ll be food stalls from St John Bread & Wine and Nude Espresso. Other confirmed names are Bob and Roberta Smith, Jessica Albarn, Pure Evil, DavidDavid and Pamm Hogg (below).

FREE

£3

June 24. 1pm-4pm Various colf.org

THE CHAP OLYMPIAD 2012 BLOOMSBURY Amid the Georgian beauty of Bedford Square, the lovely people behind The Chap will be hosting Britain’s most eccentric sporting event. Described as a true“celebration of athletic ineptitude and immaculate trouser creases”, the day of posh events ranging from the normal (afternoon tea, cocktails) to the bizarre (butler baiting, umbrella jousting, shouting at foreigners) stipulates a strict dress code of elegant finery, military wear, formal wear, dandy wear and no denim or sports clothing, except cricket whites. Take Heed. £20

July 7-8. 12pm-11pm Bedford Square, Bloomsbury, WC1 Russell Square thechapolympiad.com

THE CHELSEA FLOWER SHOW CHELSEA

WORLD PRIDE WEST END This year, London’s hosting World Pride.

Taking over Soho, it’s going to bigger and better than the capital’s usual LGBT celebration and parade.

May 27. 12-6pm Brick Lane Yard, 146 Brick Lane, E1 6QN Liverpool Street artcarbootfair.com

THE QUEEN’S DIAMOND JUBILEE ACROSS LONDON

FREE

You don’t have to be green fingered to like this one – the show exhibits fresh, modern and innovative design.

The cutting-edge displays get quirkier every year – whether that’s with references to far-flung climes or eye-popping architecture. Look out for plenty of nods to this year’s Olympic Games, as well as Queit Time: DMZ Forbidden Garden, designed by Jihae Hwang, mirroring Korea’s Demilitarized Zone (DMZ) and Trailfinders Australian Garden – a modern luxe outdoor living space.

Photos: David Jensen; Ken Lennox; Robert Piwko;

£16+

May 22-25. 8am-8pm. May 26, 8am-5.30pm. Sell-off at 4pm Royal Hospital Chelsea, SW3 4SL Sloane Square rhs.org.uk

Sat, July 7. 9am Starts at Baker Street Baker Street pridelondon.org

FILM4 SUMMER SCREEN STRAND Watch fantastic movies, including Sexy Beast, in the lovely surrounds of Somerset House’s courtyard. £14.50

August 16-25. Times vary Somerset House, The Strand, WC2R 1LA Charing Cross somersethouse.org.uk

Get patriotic and take to the streets to celebrate Liz’s 60th year on the throne. Events are happening across London for the entire bank holiday (hello, four-day weekend), but Sunday 3 June is the big day. The Queen will be heading up a river pageant of more than 1000 boats – both historical vessels and modern passenger boats – so grab your space along the Thames to watch. One of the largest flotillas to ever hit the river, it starts at Battersea Bridge at 2pm and will float along to Tower Bridge to disperse to West India Docks by around 6pm.

Worth making the effort for.

FREE

Sunday, June 3 Along the Thames thamesdiamondjubileepageant.org

LONDON GREEN FAIR 2012 REGENT’S PARK Celebrate all things green in the great outdoors, with live music, DJs, speakers, exhibitions and plenty of market stalls.

FREE

June 9-10. 12pm Cumberland Green, Regent’s Park, NW1 Camden Town londongreenfair.org

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When I want to chill out I go to the cinema. There’s a new-ish cinema in Bayswater called The Lounge, where you can either just go and watch a film or eat and watch a movie at the same time. I only discovered it a few month ago – it’s amazing.

The most interesting person I’ve met is my Nanny Beat, she’s been here 84 years, she’s seen a lot, knows a lot and is one of life’s beautiful people.

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My favourite place for a drink is anywhere along South Bank. I love anywhere you can sit outside – even if it’s cold I opt to sit outside places, wicked views and so much going on.

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For when you’re hungover in London, go to any London park, take a blanket, water, some sunglasses to hide from daylight and humans and then just lay down and chill out!

What gets me up in the morning is my job. I have to be up at 3.45am to leave for 4am to present my breakfast show.

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My perfect weekend would consist of waking up, have a mahhhooossive breakfast, spending some time with my family and friends and then DJing in the evening.

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The last naughty thing I did was hide on the floor in my house when someone knocked on our door because I’d just jumped out of the shower so I didn’t want to answer it. I got caught out, though, when our dog barked the house down, so much so that I had to get up from my army roll position on the floor and get her to be quiet.

Five words that sum up London: Exciting, but quiet if needed.

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*Terms & Conditions apply. Flights not included. Egypt trip price includes local payment based on $1 = £0.63, which must be paid locally in USD. Morocco local payment must be paid locally in GBP. Exchange rates correct at time of printing, and subject to currency fluctuations, depending when payment is made. Discount taken from the trip price and doesn’t include local payments. Subject to availability.

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OVER 425 DAY TIME AND EVENING COURSES SPREAD OVER 12 WEEKS WITH OPTIONAL CENTR AL LONDON ACCOMMODATION T

C E NTR A L S AI NT M A RTI N S C O LLE G E O F A RTS & D E SIG N SUMMER SCHOOL 2012 OVER 425 COURSES FOR BEGINNERS THROUGH TO PROFESSIONALS: FINE ART COMPUTING ANIMATION GRAPHIC DESIGN CREATIVE PROCESS ARCHITECTURE ILLUSTRATION DRAWING BALLET INTERIOR DESIGN FASHION BUSINESS SKILLS JEWELLERY FILM AND VIDEO CERAMICS

PAINTING PERFORMANCE PHOTOGRAPHY PORTFOLIO PREPARATION PRINTMAKING

PRODUCT DESIGN SCULPTURE TEXTILES THEATRE DESIGN WRITING

PLUS THESE COURSES: 13 – 15 YEAR OLDS / 16 – 18 YEAR OLDS / DUAL CITY SUMMER: MILAN, BARCELONA, PARIS / ENGLISH PLUS – ARCHITECTURE, ART, FASHION OR GRAPHICS / SUMMER STUDY ABROAD WITH CREDITS OPTION SUMMER SCHOOL WEB LISTINGS AND SECURE ONLINE BOOKINGS:

W W W.C SM . A R T S . AC . UK / SUMMER TELEPHONE ENQUIRIES: +44 (0)20 7514 7015

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HIDEAWAY JAZZ CAFE

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Jazz and wine tasting classes ...

BAR THE SCENE Jo Brand might not think much of Streatham, as her recent TV tirade about the south London borough showed, but a trip to this recently opened cafe-bar might change her mind. A companion to the Hideaway Jazz Club, this establishment – welcoming, tastefully furnished and leaning heavily on its jazz ‘roots’ – puts the emphasis on quality, aiming to provide “food with soul”. Jazz music dominates – the listings for the jazz club abound – and there’s a screen showing videos from some of the genre’s greats.

THE GRUB Nibbles and starters throughout the day, with a deli-styled counter, a brunch menu (with an especially hearty breakfast) and light bites such as burgers and sandwiches, too (the croque madame, toasted cheese-and-ham sarnie topped with a fried egg, is ace). The full dinner menu is just as impressive, including everything from traditional fish and chips to lamb steaks and tiger prawn liguine.

BEHIND THE BAR The

range of ales and beers impresses, but the emphasis here is on the wine, with in-house wine waitress Chix making personal recommendations based on your tastes and food choices (tutored wine-tasting classes are offered, too).

BILL PLEASE Ales from £3.50; wine by the glass from £4, premium wines from £6; light bites from £3.25; brunch from £6; starters from £3.90; mains from £10.25.

VERDICT Top wines, comfort, and great grub – a quality evening. ALASDAIR MORTON 227 Streatham High Road, SW16 2ED

3 OF THE BEST DOUGHNUTS

14

hideawaylive.co.uk/hideaway-jazz-cafe

Streatham

MARKET CAFE

ASIA DE CUBA

This new east London joint, with former Benugo chef Hugo Warner at the helm, keeps doughnuts basic on its brunch menu. Try a warm, sugary round with a hot chocolate or espresso. Yum.

The indulgent Mexican doughnuts here, inspired by the Chino-Latino cafes of Havana, are sweet brioche rounds rolled in cinnamon sugar and filled with butterscotch sauce. Indulge!

market-cafe.co.uk

stmartinslane.com

THE RIDING HOUSE CAFE Get your shopping out of the way and relax with heavenly warm cinnamon doughnuts filled with custard and served with chocolate dipping sauce. £5.50. ridinghousecafe.co.uk

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BITE SIZE

Genial: street food done gourmet

TRY THE QUEEN’S TIPPLE Learn how to make a cocktail fit for royalty at Bombay Sapphire’s new masterclasses. The brand has gone Jubilee mad and has asked a selection of creatives to concoct their version of the Queen’s favourite tipple, gin and tonic. The regal results include infusions of raspberries and basil, and orange blossom honey. Take part in a class on May 19 and 26, at the Rib Room Bar in Knightsbridge, for £19.52.

Or buy the drinks at the venue for £13.50 until June 5. bombaysapphire.co.uk

CHARITY POP-UP Sample delectable dishes created by MasterChef winner Tim Anderson at his new pop-up restaurant. Delicious

by DS5 will be serving a five-course tasting menu inspired by the five senses, which only costs a fiver. And, what’s more, all the proceeds will go to food charity FareShare. The venue will spring up in a secret Shoreditch location between May 16-19. Tables will be allocated on a ballot basis.

Apply via its Facebook page. deliciousbyds5.com

A RIGHT ROYAL KNEES-UP Tuck in to a proper English supper, as the Bingham in Richmond celebrates the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. Its red, white and blue bunting-adorned garden party, overlooking the Thames (above) will dish up a traditional menu, including fish and chips, and Eton mess. And there’ll be Pimm’s to wash it all down. The party is on June 5, from 1pm-6pm. Tickets £22. thebingham.co.uk

GUGLEE CONTEMPORARY INDIAN THE SCENE For many west Londoners, Guglee is a name already synonymous with quality affordable Indian cuisine following the success of its popular Swiss Cottage restaurant. Guglee’s second branch, in perennially upwardly mobile West Hampstead, offers much the same relaxed atmosphere, combined with attentive service and inventive Indian grub. The genially large windows along two walls provide plenty of light for the warm decor, which is approachably unfussy. Slightly unexpected hollow crate cladding hangs from the ceiling, but somehow works alongside the boxes of glowing beads which serve as wall lights. Pleasantly, I don’t remember the cutlery or the shape of the plates, which is always a good sign, although I do remember how plentiful the waiting staff were relative to the number of tables, another plus.

THE GRUB Guglee’s specialty is its Indian street food, which serves as the menu’s starters. Don’t let the name fool you, this is street food done gourmet – I’ve seldom seen more beautiful dishes. The dahi bhalla and bhel puri are pleasant without being moreish whilst the aloo chaat and sev puri chaat are sumptuous little pockets of exploding yoghurty loveliness. I feel slightly duped after the menu’s bucolic narrative leads me to opt for the enticing-sounding Indian railway curry, only to discover it’s a rogan josh (in fairness, it does say so on the menu).

My disappointment is quickly alleviated by my first mouthful. The lamb is tender and tasty and the sauce is as good as I’ve ever had. My dining partner is similarly swooning over her saag gosht, a lamb dish cooked with baby spinach.

There’s a decent selection of affordable wines, while the draught lager is limited to the obligatory Cobra.

BILL PLEASE Starters from £3.75; mains from £7; wine from £4 a glass; pints from £3.

VERDICT It’s nice to see the ethos and skill have transferred from Guglee’s first restaurant. The staff are great and the food is superb for the price. OLI JONES BEHIND THE BAR

279 West End Lane, West Hampstead, NW6 1QR

guglee.co.uk

West Hampstead

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by Transport for London offices. Otherwise, please don’t glare at people who don’t stand up for you on the Tube – it’s sometimes quite hard to tell if there’s a baby in there, or just one too many burgers. And no one wants to insult you by asking!

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1) Do you like cold beer and/or sangria? yes/no 2) Do you think surfing or learning to surf could be a pretty sweet way to spend a day? yes/no 3) Do whales have a whale of a time? yes/no Answer these questions correctly (or incorrectly) and you’ll be going into the draw to win an awesome summer.

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‘Yea boi, that’s the sound of money’

festival

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DOWNLOAD

JAY-Z AND KANYE WEST The O2, Peninsula Square, SE10 0DX MAY 18-22 | DOORS AT 6.45PM | £39.50

June 8-10. Donnington Park, DE74 2RP Derby downloadfestival.co.uk

£165+

This full-on rock and metal fest has Metallica playing the Black album – and a few other classics, too – the Prodigy back from retirement (maybe that’s where they were) to tear through Smack My Bitch Up, and Black Sabbath showing the young ‘uns how it should be done. So that’s Enter Sandman, Firestarter and Paranoid, on consecutive nights, it doesn’t get much better than that.

What’s better than getting a global megstar rapper to play a headline show in one of the world’s top showboating venues? Yes, that’s right, getting two global megastar rappers to play said venue at the same time, and that’s what’s happening as Jay-Z and Kanye West get ready to blow the roof off the O2.

Working together as The Throne for last year’s number one billboard chart debuting record Watch The Throne, the Grammy-winning, best-selling duo hit London for these five enormo shows to bring their album to the masses.

A record a year in the making, it was recorded as the two toured the world, separately, with recording locations as varied as Bath and Abu Dhabi, and contributions from such luminaries as Frank Ocean, Curtis Mayfield and Mr Hudson, as well as, of course, Mrs Jay-Z, Beyonce, herself.

As anticipated as musical releases can be, it did not disappoint when it hit stores last August, the expectation surpassed only by the heaped plaudits that rained down on it. Lead single OTIS was even declared by Entertainment Weekly to be “the most well-executed rap song of the year”.

Independently, Jay-Z and Kanye (when he’s not stealing the awards show stage from gobsmacked country singers and getting called a jackass by the US president for his actions) are awesome headliners. Anyone who caught Jay-Z’s prize-fighter show at Glasto in 2008 can attest to that. Together, with their back catalogues to dip into, too, they’re a proposition that hasn’t been seen in a long time.

North Greenwich

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NEW BAND

THE JEZABELS GIG MAY 17. 7PM £10

Fresh from their headline show at KOKO back in February, the Sydney-bred goth popsters return to play from their ace debut album, Prisoner.

Chocked full of indie verve, gothic stylings, and Hayley Mary’s luscious, soulful vocals, they’re a band to get excited about.

Photos: Getty

Electric Brixton Town Hall Parade, SW2 1RJ Brixton electricbrixton.com

HAPPY MONDAYS AFTER PARTY

MIMO: THE FINAL PARTY

CLUB

CLUB

SAT, MAY 19. 8PM-4AM £10

SAT, MAY 19. 9.30PM-3.30AM £6+

The Mondays have just headlined the Academy up the road, and so reconvene to this smaller venue round the corner to take the party into the small hours with an assortment of friends. Look out for a special DJ set of electronica-infused indie classics by the white-grinned maracaswaver known as Bez.

Launched back in 2006 by like-minded friends who wanted to throw parties for others as into the house music scene as they were, the MiMo story has been six years unfolding. It comes to an end this weekend, though, as MiMo will be no more, so get down and say goodbye in style at this send-off bash to end them all.

Jamm 261 Brixton Road, SW9 6LH Brixton brixtonjamm.org

East Village 89 Great Eastern Street, EC2A 3HX Old Street mimoevents.co.uk

SCISSOR SISTERS

CELEBRATE LIFE

THE TEMPER TRAP

GIG

CLUB

GIG

MAY 16 & 17. 7PM £32.50

SUN, MAY 20. 9PM-3AM £10

MAY 21-22. 7PM £16.50

The cheekily titled popsters are back with album number four, Magic Hour, under their arm, which itself features a vocal offering from Azealia Banks on single Shady Love. After the electropop offerings of their last, this promises a new direction for the group, although one that’s fused with their dance-pop class.

Legendary DJ – and infamous dancer – Paul ‘Trouble’ Anderson sits atop this charity fundraiser for Macmillan Cancer Support, and he’s roped in the likes of Danny Rampling, Robert Owens, Norman Jay (above) and a whole host more for this party that, as the title suggests, celebrates life.

More than just a one-song band, the Melbournegroup have proved there’s more to them than soundtracking Joseph Gordon Levitt’s post-breakup meltdown in 500 Days Of Summer. With upcoming second, synth-infused long player to draw from, they’re set to bring their anthemic, radio-friendly indie pop-rock to the next level.

Shepherd’s Bush Empire W12 8TT Shepherd’s Bush o2shepherdsbushempire.co.uk

Ministry of Sound 103 Gaunt Street, SE1 6DP Elephant & Castle ministryofsound.com

KOKO 1a Camden High Street, NW1 7JE Mornington Crescent koko.uk.com

YES SIR BOSS THE BUZZ SO FAR A soulful hornbacked bunch shot through with rock, funk, reggae, ska, and that’s just for starters. The first band signed to Joss Stone’s Stone’d Records label, this catchy Bristolbased six-piece met at uni, and have been performing, writing and generally being creative ever since, gigging hard, and earning their label support from Joss, with whom bassist Josh Stopford has remained friends since childhood.

THE CRITICS SAY “A seamless blend of hooks, offbeat rhythms and epic riffs.” PlanetMusicReviews.com THE PLUG Desperation State is out May 21. They play Queen Of Hoxton Coppafeel Festival, Mon, June 4 1-5 Curtain Road, EC2A 3JX Shoreditch High Street, £20 yessirboss.com

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CLUBLISTINGS

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MONDAY 7 Cuban Hideaway DJ Rich plays Latin, house, funk and R‘n’B. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 7070). 9.40pm-late. £7.

Vibe DJs on rotation including Anas, Spider, Prezedent, Ice, Commander B, Pioneer and DJ L spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, funky house, garage, reggae and bashment. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 10pm-3am. £7, w/flyer £5 before midnight, ladies £5, free before 11.30pm.

BOOK NOW!

Hard Core Salsa DJ Mario plays mambo and salsa, plus dance lessons. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277).

7pm-late. £4, free before 9pm.

Xxtra Terry-James Lynch hosts a night of house, electro and pop, plus fashion. The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988).

10pm-3am. £5, free before 11pm.

I Love Mondays DJ Victor spins commercial dance, disco, pop, garage, R‘n’B and funky house.

Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/cc 020 7287 3727).

10pm-3.30am. £5, w/flyer £3, NUS £1.50.

Monday Madness DJs Bruno and Jimmy Jam spin pop and carnival classics. Walkabout, Temple, Temple Place, WC2R 2PH (020 7054 8033).

8pm-midnight. £5, free before 8pm.

Popcorn Jonesey, Harvey Adam, Jamie Hammond and Terry T-Rex provide dance, electro, pop, hip-hop and R’n’B. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). 11pm-5.30am. £8.

Rehab Zoe Demonette, DJ Haley, Dan Udy and Malarky supply alternative, electro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098).

10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, mems £1 before 10.30pm.

Service Industry Night Colin Russell and Donald Sweeneey provide R‘n’B, hip-hop and chart. Rumba, Shaftesbury Ave, W1D 7EP (020 7287 2715).

9pm-3am. £7, £5 before midnight, w/payslip free before midnight.

TUESDAY 8 Barfly Presents DJ DOK spins R‘n’B, hip-hop and urban anthems. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). 7.30pm-late. Free.

Club Mission Creep Presents Resident DJs supply indie, folk and electro, with a live performance from Avalanche City. The Macbeth, Hoxton St, N1 6LP (020 7749 0600). 7pm-late. Free.

Panic Max Panic, Gaz Panic and That Perfect Fumble spin indie, electro, retro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098).

10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, w/flyer free before 10.30pm.

Scavellet Meets Balearic – Summer Launch Party Amir Groove, Gustavo Co and James Vaux play deep, vocal and Balearic house, featuring pole dancers and stage performers.

The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988).

10pm-3am. £15, adv £10, mems free.

The Tuesday Night Project DJ Julio Bravo spins chart, party, dance and R‘n’B. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040). 9pm-3am. Free.

White Heat DJs Matty, Olly and Marcus spin electro, techno and indie. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040).

10.30pm-3am. £5, concs/flyer £4.

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FRIDAY 11 RED BULL MUSIC ACADEMY SPECIAL Found. June 8. £8 Some of the most progressive minds in electronic music – Daedalus (above), Dorian Concept, Braiden and more – come together for this showcase event.

SE11 5EQ

Vauxhall

foundseries.co.uk

WEDNESDAY 9 Cheapskates Old school hip-hop, electro and disco courtesy of DJ Downfall. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 9pm-3.30am. £6.50, NUS £5.50, w/flyer £4.50.

Choke Resident DJs play hip-hop, drum ‘n’ bass, electro, indie and grime. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £4, guestlist £3.

Clubbing London & Max Parties Resident DJs spin house and electro. The Den & Centro, West Central St, WC1A 1JJ (020 7240 1083). Midnight-6am. £10.

Dance Nights Princess Karina and DJ Gary Baldi spin dance hits. EC3 Live, Crosswall, EC3N 2JY (020 7488 1766). 11.30pm-3am. £10.

Fat Poppa Daddys Resident DJs spin hip-hop, funk, electro, house, dubstep, 1980s hits, indie and reggae. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453).

11pm-2am. £5, free before midnight.

Love Dance Somalia Benji B, Scratcha DVA, Martelo, Chef, Ikonika, Josey Rebelle, Moxie, Reecha, Jon Rust, Mr Wonderful, Radi Dadi and Dom Fader spin disco, house and electro. Corsica Studios, Elephant Rd, SE17 1LB (020 7703 4760). 8pm-2am. £5.

Madd Raff Wednesdays The Heatwave supply bashment and dancehall, plus a dance session with dancehall instructor Safwaan Shoshoni of Pineapple Studios.

The Social, Little Portland St, W1W 7JD (020 7636 4992). 7pm-1am. £5, £3 before 11pm, free before 9pm.

N*A*S*I*N SoniX, Brahim and Punk Gareth play punk, rock, metal and ska. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). 11pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £4, NUS £3, mems £2.

Trannyshack Miss Dusty O, Tasty Tim and Lady Lloyd spin commercial dance and pop.

Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 10pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £3, free before midnight.

Work Lee Harris, Niyi Maximus Crown and Big John Freeman spin house, pop, electro, R‘n’B, funk and dancehall. Fire, South Lambeth Rd, SW8 1UQ (020 7582 9890).

11pm-5am. £5, £4 before 1am.

THURSDAY 10 Bad Sex Phaze One, Mayton DJs and Fin Munro spin house, electro and indie, plus Glass Diamond and Sleep Thieves perform live. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867). 7.30pm-2.30am. £7, £5 before 10pm, guestlist/NUS £5, guestlist/NUS free before 10pm.

Curious DJs Alex Jones, Hot Since 82, Dan Price, Eddy Osborne and Jambo spin house. The Rhythm Factory, Whitechapel Rd, E1 1EW (020 7375 3774). 10pm-3am. £5-£8.

Fuel Thursdays DJ Melody Kane spins house, funk, soul and urban beats. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453).

10pm-2am. £10, adv £5.

Jamm Presents Bez spins indie and electronica. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/ cc 020 7274 5537). 8pm-3am. £10.

QueerlyOut DJ Robby D spins pop and R‘n’B. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040).

9pm-3am. £5, £3, free before 9pm.

Radio The Radio DJs supply 1980s pop, indie and disco. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, free before 10pm.

Room Service Weekly gay dance party in the company of residents Kris Di Angelis, Severino, Fat Tony, Steve Pitron, Matt Bogard and Ariel. Miabella, Greek St, W1D 4DL (020 7025 7844).

10pm-3am. £10, £5 before 11pm.

The Roots London Colin Dale, Matthew Bushwacka and Richie Fingers play house. The Basing House, Kingsland Rd, E2 8AA (020 7688 0339). 9pm-2am. £5.

Thirsty Thursday DJ Aiden spins funky house and disco. Thirst, Greek St, W1D 3DR (020 7437 1977).

5pm-3am. £5, free before 10pm.

Clone Records DJs Dexter, Untold, Conforce, Gerd, Genius Of Time and Serge mix techno and dubstep.

Hidden, Tinworth St, SE11 5EQ (020 7820 6613). 10pm-late. £8-£15.

Deeper Disco Resident DJs spin retro and disco. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

Eskimo Dance Wiley, JME, Jammer, Lethal Bizzle, Ruff Sqwad, Newham Generals, OGZ, FlowDan, Flirta D, Riko Dan, Logan Sama, Cameo, Hatcha, Target, Twin B, Maximum, Cheeky, Spyro, Marcus Nasty, Seb Chew and Funk Butcher spin hip-hop, garage and R‘n’B. Proud 2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (020 8463 3070). 11pm-5am. £15 & £18.

Fabriclive Digital Soundboy Soundsystem, Scratch Perverts, Dismantle, Dave Gamble, Ed Rush, Icicle, Kasra, Enei, Dub Phizix, Xtrah, Foreign Concept, June Miller, Ikonika, Illum Sphere, Kutmah, Jon K, Johnny Dub and Chunky spin dubstep and drum ‘n’ bass across three rooms, plus MCs SP:MC, Youngman, Stamina, GQ, AD and Strategy. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898).

10pm-6am. £17, adv £16, £21 inc CD, £10 before midnight, £7 after 3am.

The Gallery Gareth Emery (DJ set), Lange, MIKE, Jonathan Ulysses, Steve Lee, Manda Dex, Hausmann and Plastic Fondu spin house and electro. The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010).

10.30pm-6am. £14, mems £11.

A History Of Detroit DJs Alan Oldham, Djax, John Heckle, Tom Long, Larry Cavelle, DJ Mourad, Analog Chronicles, Alex Mason and Asher Jones spin Detroit techno, plus Stephen Brown performs live. The Rhythm Factory, Whitechapel Rd, E1 1EW (020 7375 3774). 10pm-6am. £10.

One Kiss DJs Krisis and Melody Kane play chart, R‘n’B, house and electro. Sound, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (0333 240 1010).

10pm-3am. £10, £5 before 11pm.

Roller Disco Old school roller disco with resident DJs playing disco, funk, soulful house, electro and breakbeat. Renaissance Rooms, opposite Arch 8, Arches, Miles St, SW8 1RZ (0844 736 5375). 8pm-2am. £12.50.

Soca Frenzy DJs Shaker HD, Tyrone, Tate, Ratty, Scooby, Cold Chizzle and Mr Migz spin reggae, hip-hop and carnival vibes. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). 11pm-late. £8-£15.

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SATURDAY 12 Bugged Out! Presents When 2 Become 3 Derrick Carter joins Joe Goddard and Raf Daddy (aka The 2 Bears) to spin house, electronica, indie and disco.

Fire, South Lambeth Rd, SW8 1UQ (020 7582 9890). 10.30pm-6am. £12.

Fabric Tiefschwarz, Meat, Terry Francis, Slam, Jozif, Russ Yallop and Luca C spin house and techno, plus Re You & Rampa and BNJMN perform live. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898).

11pm-8am. £18, £19, adv £23 inc CD, NUS £12, £10 after 4am.

Mellophonik: Funk Them Girls DJ Pedro Carrilho spins electro and house, with support from Carl Phill, Julian Amor, Jay Deep and Rooska. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 5pm-midnight. Free.

Mellophonik: Funk Them Girls Pedro Carrilho, Carl Phill, DJ Griff, DJ Linkz, Miki Masters, Cordosh, Jack Pates and Brad Francis spin electro, house and techno. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 11pm-8am. Adv £15.

The Playground Porter Robinson, A-Trak, Dillon Francis, Skism, Dodge & Fuski, Dubba Jonny, Killsonik, Captain Crunch, Drumsound and Bassline Smith spin electro, drum ‘n’ bass, dubstep and house, plus Sebastian and Dirtyphonics perform live.

The Coronet, New Kent Rd, SE1 6TJ (020 7701 1500). 9pm-late. £20-£30.

Supervision DJs Tocadisco, EDX, Arno Cost, Tristan Garner, Kim Fai, Manuel De La Mare, Ant Brooks, Dan Castro, Futuristic Polar Bears and East And Young mix house and electro.

Proud 2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (020 8463 3070). 9pm-7am. £17.50.

SUNDAY 13 Can’t Stop Won’t Stop Mark Radford, Maximus, Lee Edwards and Roch-Mix-Hard spin house and techno. Club Aquarium, Old St, EC1V 9DD (020 7251 6136).

11pm-6am. £15, £10 before midnight, ladies free before midnight.

Danny Rampling The veteran DJ provides house. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 3pm-11pm. Free.

Orange The Oli, Paul Martin and The Sharp Boys spin house in room one, while Gonzola Rivas, David Jiminez and Hi Fi Sean provide minimal techno and tech-house in room two.

Fire, South Lambeth Rd, SW8 1UQ (020 7582 9890). 11pm-9am. £12, £10 before midnight, w/flyer £6 before midnight, adv £8.

Up On The Roof Grandmaster Flash headlines this summer party on the rooftop terrace with soul, hip-hop, disco and house, plus support from Mister Shiver, Kid Fury, Loudat, Michael Jansons, Rob Alldritt, Evil Hypnotist and Number 9. Brixton Clubhouse, Brixton Rd, SW9 8HH (020 7326 4455).

2pm-2am. £15, adv £12.

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MONDAY 7 Bowerbirds Americana and folk band from Raleigh, North Carolina. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). £11.

Theatre Of Hate Kirk Brandon reforms his post-punk and rock band to celebrate 20 years since the release of the album Westworld. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £17.50.

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Comet Gain, Trimdon Grange Indie-pop by the London-based band. The Lexington, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JB (020 7837 5371). £6.50.

The View The Dundee-based band plays indie-rock from the album Cheeky For A Reason. Hoxton Square Bar And Kitchen, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7613 0709). £16.50.

Katriona Gilmore & Jamie Roberts The fiddle and guitar duo plays contemporary folk.

The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £10.

Hype Theory, Franko, Piper Saint, AvaGrace Power-pop and poppunk combo. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £6.

I Like Trains The Leeds-based four-piece plays alt rock and post-rock. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/cc 0871 231 0842). £8.

Punch Brothers Bluegrass and Americana by the US-based band. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). £12.50.

Richmond Fontaine, Richard Buckner The American outfit from Portland, Oregon, plays acoustic alt country. Cecil Sharp House, Regents Park Rd, NW1 7AY (020 7485 2206). £14.

TUESDAY 8 Paul Brady The singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist plays folk in support of his album Hooba Dooba. Islington Town Hall, Upper St, N1 2UD (020 7527 2000). £25 & £30.

Martin Carthy & Dave Swarbrick Traditional and contemporary folk by the renowned singer-guitarist and the fiddler. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £15.

The Cribs Back to their original three-piece line-up, the Wakefield indie-rockers perform some new material, alongside hits such as Men’s Needs. Troxy, Commercial Rd, E1 0HX (020 7748 2728). £20.

Dexys Soul influenced pop and rock from singer-songwriter Kevin Rowland and the band formerly known as Dexys Midnight Runners. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £20-£30.

Howler American musician Jordan Gatesmith leads his surf pop, garage-rock and indie outfit performing songs from the album America Give Up. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/cc 0844 847 1678). £11.

Ill And Jolly Hard rock band from Atlanta, Georgia. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £12.

Tara Minton Trio, Ben Longman, Emmet Scanlan, Morrissey And Marshal Folk, pop and soul from the Australian singer-songwriter and harpist with her band. The Troubadour, Old Brompton Rd, SW5 9JA (020 7370 1434). £6.

FRIDAY 11

ROBERT PLANT The Forum. Thurs, Jul 12. £45 The former Led Zep man and his new band, the Sensational Shape Shifters, perform in what is one of only three UK shows this summer.

NW5 1JY

Kentish Town

WEDNESDAY 9 Nicole Atkins Pop by the American singer-songwriter. The Slaughtered Lamb, Great Sutton St, EC1V 0DX (020 7253 1516). £10.

Cloud Nothings American singersongwriter and musician Dylan Baldi leads his group in playing lo-fi power-pop and indie-rock in support of the album Attack On Memory. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). £9.

Friends Alt pop by the New York-based five-piece. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/cc 0844 477 1000). £12.

Garbage American alt rock four-piece, featuring Scottish singer Shirley Manson, plays songs from the album Not Your Kind Of People. Troxy, Commercial Rd, E1 0HX (020 7748 2728). £29.

Matthew Herbert The avant-garde experimental electronic musician presents his project One Pig, the story of an animal from birth to plate. Featuring live audio-visual composition and on-stage cookery. Southbank Centre, Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX (020 7960 4200/cc 0844 875 0073). £15 & £17.50, concs £7.50 & £8.75.

Ben Kweller The American singer-songwriter and multiinstrumentalist plays indie, folk-rock and country from his album Go Fly A Kite. Monto Water Rats, Gray’s Inn Rd, WC1X 8BZ (020 7837 4412). £12.50.

Geoff Mullen, John Chantler Experimental music from the guitarist and sonic manipulator, combining ambient sounds, drone, electroacoustic elements and improvisation. Cafe Oto, Ashwin St, E8 3DL (020 7923 1231). £8, adv £7.

Scar Symmetry, Xerath, Betraeus Melodic death metal band from Avesta, Sweden. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/cc 0844 477 2000). £10.

Two Spot Gobi The Brightonbased six-piece plays surf pop and alt soul. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £8-£15.

kentishtownforum.com Wretch 32, Jakwob The Londonbased MC, Jermaine Scott, performs grime and hip-hop. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £15.

THURSDAY 10 10cc The veteran outfit plays pop-rock. Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP (0845 401 5045). £25-£45.

Alkaline Trio, Dave Hause Dark punk-rock from the American three-piece. Electric Ballroom, Camden High St, NW1 8QP (020 7485 9006). £18.

The Happy Mondays, Inspiral Carpets Shaun Ryder reforms his old band to maintain the baggy pop revival. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £37.50.

Chas Hodges & His Band, Daymo Shay One half of boisterous rock ‘n’ roll duo Chas & Dave plays cult cockney songs.

The Old Queen’s Head, Essex Rd, N1 8LN (020 7354 9993). £12.

My Darling Clementine, Azadeh The two-piece plays country-soul. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £15, adv £12.50.

John O’Connell The Liverpoolbased singer-songwriter and guitarist performs acoustic folk and instrumental classics. The Troubadour, Old Brompton Rd, SW5 9JA (020 7370 1434). £12.

Nerina Pallot The award-winning singer-songwriter and musician from Jersey plays pop-rock.

St James’s Church, Piccadilly, W1J 9LL (020 7381 0441). £25.

Ahmet Aslan, Olcay And Erdogan Bayir Ensemble The vocalist performs songs in the Zaza language, Central Anatolian folk songs and other regional forms.

Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £20 & £25.

The Bizzarros, South Bound Zax, Sian Cross, Hugh Keice The London-based band plays blues, funk and soul. The Clapham Grand, St John’s Hill, SW11 1TT (020 7223 6523). £10, adv £8.

The Epstein, Hannah Aldridge Indie folk-pop by the Oxford-based band. Kings Place, York Way, N1 9AG (020 7520 1490). £12.50, adv £9.50.

The Fall Mark E Smith’s Manchesterbased band plays its brand of acerbic post-punk. The Coronet, New Kent Rd, SE1 6TJ (020 7701 1500). £20.

Guy Tortora Band Americana and blues from the Londonbased outfit. Downstairs At The King’s Head, Crouch End Hill, N8 8AA (020 8340 1028). £12.

The Huxleys Classic roots rock by the band from Hertford and London. Archangel, Kensington High St, W8 5NP (020 7938 4137). £8, adv £6.

Janet Kay, Carroll Thompson Lovers Rock and reggae from the London-born singer.

Islington Town Hall, Upper St, N1 2UD (020 7527 2000). £20.

Ladyhawke, She’s So Rad New Zealand-born singer-songwriter Phillipa Brown performs electropop. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/cc 0844 477 2000). £16.

Manteca, Martha Acosta Latin and salsa from the Colombian-based singer and band. 606 Club, Lots Rd, SW10 0QD (020 7352 5953). £12.

Omar & Soul Purpose Nu-soul and R‘n’B singer. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 7070). £15.

Six60 The group fuses roots, reggae, hip-hop, dubstep and drum ‘n’ bass. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £10-£12.

Reverend & The Makers Indie-pop by the Sheffieldbased band. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). £12.50.

The Three Johns, Chips For The Poor, Give Me Memphis, Tom Hyatt Rock and post-punk by the London-based veterans. The Windmill, Blenheim Gardens, SW2 5BZ (020 8671 0700). £10, adv £9.

Spiers & Boden The award-winning founders of Bellowhead play inventive folk. Southbank Centre, Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX (020 7960 4200/cc 0844 875 0073). £17.50-£20, concs £8.75-£10.

Wideboy Generation, The Gypsy Switch, Nudybronque The North London-based three-piece plays attitude-driven power-pop and rock. 100 Club, Oxford St, W1D 1LL (020 7636 0933). £10, adv £8.

SATURDAY 12 BrokeNCYDE, Psyko Dalek Albuquerque-based crunkcore outfit. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £10.

Dr Feelgood, Nine Below Zero The originators of the R‘n’B pub-rock sound perform. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £14.

Electric Mayhem The outfit plays indie-rock. The Rdhouse, The Piazza, Covent Garden Market, WC2E 8HB (020 7379 6132). £12, £5 before 9pm, free before 8pm.

The Groundhogs Guitarist Tony McPhee leads his blues and progressive rock combo.

229 The Venue, Great Portland St, W1W 5PW (020 7323 7229). £10.

Krar Collective World music outfit from Ethiopia. Islington Town Hall, Upper St, N1 2UD (020 7527 2000). £12.

Ian McCulloch The Liverpool-born singer and frontman of Echo & The Bunnymen plays alt rock from his album Pro Patria Mori.

Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £22.50.

Michael Schenker Heavy rock from the German guitarist and ex-member of The Scorpions and UFO. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £22.50.

Amon Tobin Experimental electronica show from the Brazilian musician, producer and DJ, with audio-visual accompaniment.

O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £28.50.

Westlife: The Greatest Hits Tour, Vanquish The internationally acclaimed pop quartet performs its chart-topping hits. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £38.50 & £44.

SUNDAY 13 3 Inches Of Blood, Goatwhore, Angelus Apatride, Havok The Canadian five-piece plays metal from the album Long Live Heavy Metal. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £12.

Louise Dearman The singer and former star of the West End production of Wicked performs interpretations of some of her favourite pop and rock songs from her album Here Comes The Sun. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £15.

Morten Harket Pop from the Norwegian singer-songwriter and A-Ha frontman. IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). £25-£35.

Husky, Ben Salter, Jackson Firebird, Jinja Safari, Kellie Lloyd, Me, Millions, Sietta, Step Panther, The Bowers The Melbourne-based four-piece plays alt folk and indie.

Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). £12, adv £10.

Zakopower The Polish outfit plays folk-rock. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7344 0044). £25.

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The number of the geek A trio of comedians with a scientific bent are drawing audiences with an insatiable hunger for pi WORDS REBECCA KENT What do you get when you put a swotty songstress, a stand-up mathematician, and an experiments guy with a finely tuned funny bone on stage? Not only the preamble to a bad joke, but a conflation of bangs and flashes and applied mathematical conundrums that make you think about the universe in a way you never have before. Welcome to Festival Of The Spoken Nerd, a variety group with the ability to turn even the mildly curious mathematician into the fearlessly inquisitive, using the medium of humour.

Physics expert and musical kook Helen Arney, stand-up comic-slash-scientist Steve Mould, and maths genius Matt Parker combine to present classes in obscure scientific theory, using jokes and double entendres as a digestive.

Having sold out the Theatre Royal Haymarket in January with their previous show, Bigger, Better And More Dangerous, the trio are back this month with another whizz-bang offering, Pi-Curious, at central London’s Bloomsbury Theatre.

“Our shows scratch the itchy part of our audience’s consciousness,“ Arney says. “It’s all the nerdy geeky stuff they could ever want laid out in front of them.“ Bigger, Better had Arney, slip on a costume and serve up a sweet ditty about a disgruntled sun, while Mould demonstrated the missing fundamental in sound.

Meanwhile, number ninja Parker from Perth, calculated how much water there was in the world. There were also ’oohs’ and ’aahs’ aplenty from the audience for an elaborate experiment involving shiny metal parabolas focusing a beam of light across the stage at cotton wool, which subsequently combusted with a satisfying ’whoof’.

The trio usually invite a host of equally atomic guests onstage and the results are explosive. At the last show wiry Australian comedian Kent Valentine recounted a teenage misdemeanor involving a wayward friend and homemade napalm, plus there was a flash of fire and plenty of noise when UCL chemistry professor Andrea Sella manipulated the chemical compound nitric oxide. He was quick to warn that while it has a role in making Viagra, digesting it would not produce the same effect.

At this month's show, comedian and maths graduate Matt Kirshen, mathematical juggler Colin Wright, and glowjugglers Feeding The Fish will be providing the added charge.

Arney is energised about her contribution. “I’m going to get the audience to attempt to spin the longest number

ever conceived during an epic, giant sing-a-long, plus, I’m attempting to do data analysis on the state of the nation’s happiness and financial well-being through the medium of 20th-century pop dance,“ she says.

Audience participation is a staple part of the show, just to

“

If we died, they'd need to know whose fault it was

”

make sure, if nothing else, the trio’s seemingly inconceivable theories are not escaping the crowd.

“We’re getting everyone to write a ’pi-ku’, plus there’s a live auction where we intend to give away £1m,“ Arney, 31, says. “We’re pretty sure that’s not going to happen, though, due to the way the audience will play each other. One person’s bound to screw it up.“ However, when you mix a bunch of zany scientists together, armed with reactionary elements, you would be forgiven for expecting them to do some screwing up of their own. ››

Get in on the act: audience participation is required TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Bright: Arney dazzles like the sun and (right) Parker listens for the 'whoof' “When we performed at the Theatre Royal there was an insurance company rep standing on the side of the stage the whole time,“ Arney explains. “Fair enough, we’re talking about the oldest theatre in London, but he wasn’t there to make sure we didn’t burn the theatre down. If we all died, he’d need to know whose fault it was.“ Before they were introduced to each other while on the 2010 Edinburgh Fringe Festival circuit by “science grandaddy“ Robert Ince, Arney, Mould and Parker were already forging their own successful careers in geek comedy – and still are.

Mould, 33, is one half of comedy sketch act Mould & Arrowsmith, and, until the BBC moved to Manchester, he was also the Blue Peter resident scientist.

“Genuinely, the shows I do for kids, I can pretty much use for adult shows, too – just with ruder jokes,“ he says.

Before joining Spoken Nerd, Parker, 31, was performing his own show, Your Days Are Numbered: The Maths Of Death. He was also possibly the only person to hold down the prestigious title of London Mathematical Society popular lecturer while having a sold-out comedy show at the Edinburgh Fringe. Now, he regularly appears on BBC Radio 4’s Infinite Monkey Cage, plus he writes about maths for The Guardian.

Arney, named as one of TV channel's Dave’s top 10 stand-ups to catch in 2011, is one part of female comedy musical act The Balconettes.

The stars collided and it made perfect sense for the three to collaborate, billing their act as a “celebration of comedy and unashamed geekiness“.

“We were all doing our own thing at the Edinburgh Fringe – just comedy, not particularly nerdy, and people started telling us to see each other’s shows,“Arney says.

Mould adds: “What that resulted in was not us necessarily seeing each other’s shows, but flyering at them for our own benefit, you know, like, ’well, if you liked that, you’ll really like this’.“ It was Parker’s idea to become a collective and they tested the water in October 2010, tagging a variety-type segment on to the end of one of Arney’s gigs.

“It sold out in a day,“ Arney exclaims. “My clubs have never been sold out. It just struck a chord.“ The trio then took the show to the larger, but still more intimate surrounds of Angel's New Red Lion Theatre, and performances continued to sell out months in advance.

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Now, the Bloomsbury Theatre will burst at the seams with insatiably curious geeks – “people who like maths, but just ended up as accountants and need some stimulation,“ says Arney. Or as Mould adds: “GCSE-level and uni graduates, who didn’t listen in science and maths and kind of wished they did – them, and sociable nerds.“ The concept of geek comedy is not new. People such as Stephen Fry and Dara O’Brien, both of whom have physics backgrounds, are modern champions of the brand, and shows like Guerilla Science and Uncaged Monkeys, including Ince, Brian Cox, and Arney herself, have been drawing in crowds for several years.

“We are not the first people to talk about science and maths and get a big audience for it,“ Arney says. “What we are doing, though, is taking all of it and throwing it into one big variety show – that’s what’s different.“❚ Festival Of The Spoken Nerd perform Pi-Curious at the Bloomsbury Theatre, May 21, 7.30pm-10.15pm. From £10 15 Gordon Street, WC1H OAH thebloomsbury.com Euston

On fire: the nerds get dangerous

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Nic Capelle Aussie frontman for rockers Capelle on touring the US in a haunted RV, his love of gangsta rap, and maths teachers INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON

How did you get together initially?

For most bands that’s a fairly straight-forward question, but in my case it’s like asking me for a comprehensive run down of my dating past.

There’s too many to speak of! Put simply, I work with many musicians, a different line-up for each album and corresponding live shows.

It’s a revolving door.

Album Crooked Deluxe is a much rougher sounding record than your first …

Definitely. The last album was more polished so this has less reverb and a much tighter sound.

I wanted it as real as possible, like the live sound.

No big studio, no second takes with vocals. There was no rehearsing the songs over and over and then recording. Just pure intuition.

Rock in the free world: Nic Capelle (left) Why record the drums in a stairwell?

It was out of necessity – we had no budget for a studio. We went to record in one of the drummer’s rehearsal spaces but it was small and could barely fit the drum kit. It was in the basement of an industrial estate and the stairwell had a killer reverb, so we gave it a go.

Were there any other recording tactics?

I recorded the bass in the toilet of my apartment, the guitars in the living room, too.

You’re originally from Down Under but based in London now – how did this move come about?

London was always on the cards. Since I was 17, I’ve had a clear picture of where I wanted to be. I was living in Sydney when I was asked to tour Germany for the World Cup as a keyboardist for an Aussie rock band. I did my time and then moved to England.

Led Zeppelin, Queens of the Stone Age, who else has had an impact on you?

Rap and hip-hop was huge growing up. I was 11 and a friend gave me an NWA tape and I loved it so much I went to buy it, but the girl at the counter wouldn’t let me – she said my mum wouldn’t approve!

How do you approach songwriting?

I rely on intuition, with a few tricks up my sleeve to get the ball rolling. The stuff I use is pure, the

stuff that’s manufactured never makes the cut, it’s just a lubricant to get the real stuff out.

genuinely warm and friendly. We made a lot of new friends there.

How did you end up in a haunted RV on your recent US tour?

Not only was it haunted but it broke down in Austin, Texas. We all saw the ghost on the RV and I saw several, especially in LA!

Have you always been US-crazy?

I’ve been influenced by America from an early age. My father is Canadian and as a kid you don’t really know the difference. I would watch lots of Arnie movies, US cartoons, NFL and NBA.

What was your experience in the desert near Joshua Tree?

Amazing. I love the desert, it reminds me of living in the bush in Western Australia. Under the stars in the middle of nowhere is where I’m most calm.

You work in advertising by day – how has this helped you with the band?

It keeps your fingers on the pulse of how powerful social media is. Times have changed!

What did you learn on the road?

Lose the rock’n’roll clichés and don’t complain.

There’s always another band around the corner ready to take your position. It’s a gift to be able to tour – most bands won’t even do that.

Any dangerous on-the-road incidents?

Toledo was pretty dicey and we were obviously outsiders. And on the last two weeks of the tour we almost had a head on collision with a car going 90 miles an hour towards us!

What were your impressions of the US? We all loved it. Although I suspected it, the Americans’ hospitality, out in the country, was so

When did you first pick up a guitar?

My mum bought my dad one. And I was coerced into doing acoustic guitar lessons. I did one.

What was the first song you wrote?

A song about our maths teacher who liked bondage. MR MAC. It was a little rap number.

How do UK and US audiences compare?

UK fans can be lazy but I don’t blame them when it’s pissing with rain all the time. When they do make the effort, it’s cos they really support you.

At Hoxton Underbelly May 15 and Proud Galleries May 22 N1 6NU & NW1 8AH underbellyhoxton.com/ proudcamden.com Old Street & Chalk Farm

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LONDONSCENE

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Johnny just found out he was contracted to do another five Pirates movies!

DARK SHADOWS FILM review by Alasdair Morton STARRING: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter | 12A | 113mins

THE DICTATOR FILM STARRING: Sacha Baron Cohen, Anna Faris | 15 | 84mins

After Ali G and Borat, Sacha Baron Cohen is back with his latest comedy character, General Alladeen, a fictitious dictator of the Republic of Wadiya, who’s keen on opposing democracy, hating the West, and perpetuating/ mocking Islamophobic stereotypes, depending on which side of the argument you sit. It’s bound to be squirm-inducingly funny as well.

On general release from May 16

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Tim Burton and Johnny Depp’s eighth outing together couldn’t be more suited to the kooky duo’s sensibilities – it’s a gothic-styled horror-comedy, adapted from a camp Seventies TV show, laden with fractured families, lost lonely young boys and all manner of witches, vampires and dark magic. It’s remarkably funny, too.

Depp is Barnabas Collins, a 18th-century vampire who has been freed from 200 years inside a coffin, the penance he paid for spurning Eva Green’s broken-hearted witch, Angelique. Awoken into 1972, he finds his once-prosperous family on the slide. Taking up with his descendants, he sets about getting the Collinses back on track, turning their coastal cannery business’s fortune around, only to find its decline has something to do with the broomstick-rider he rejected.

Depp is on song, his reactions to a world of hippies, McDonalds, lava lamps and Alice Cooper (the ugliest woman he’s even seen) are priceless, and many of the film’s best lines come from this culture-clash. Decent support comes from Michelle Pfeiffer as the modern-day matriarch, Chloe Grace Moretz as her hormonal teen, and Burton regular Helena Bonham Carter as a grogg-sozzled live-in psychiatrist (in this household, she’s definitely needed).

A couple of the plot strands are not quite fleshed out as much as you’d like – particularly the Collinses’ new governess (Aussie Bella Heathcote), who never gets the screentime needed for her pivotal role. But with Burton and Depp in such good form, it’s a hugely entertaining blast, loaded with the offbeat comedy you’d expect.

GOOD FOR: Those left looking for vintage Burton after Alice In Wonderland and Wonka

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GIVE US A

FREEZE: WITH TIM KEY AND TOM BASDEN

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

For a three-night run only, Key and Basden (right) perform this unpredictable two-hander in which music, comedy, props, improv and, probably, a little bit of lunacy, come to the fore.

Both have won loads of awards individually, throw them together and you have a recipe for side-splitting entertainment.

Ha ha!

Udderbelly Festival Jubilee Gardens, SE1 8XX. May 17-19. £15.50 Waterloo underbelly.co.uk

PARALLAX ART FAIR

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

Unrepresented artists from around the world exhibit their work at this global fair. From surrealist paintings and sculptures to ceramics encased in bubble wrap, reliefs composed from computer parts, and a video about child brides, the breadth and focus of the work on offer here impresses.

It’s easy for 19-year-olds to be seduced by the Beatles’ lyrics into believing all you need is love.

But times change, and in Mike Bartlett’s bitingly funny, hugely watchable play, those free spirits of the late Sixties are still putting themselves first and refusing to grow up, almost 50 years later. Go see. LK

Chelsea Old Town Hall King’s Road, SW3 5EE. May 16-18. £2 Sloane Square barlowfinedrawings.com

Royal Court Theatre SW1W 8AS. Until June 9. From £10 Sloane Square royalcourttheatre.com

PAM FORD What’s your show about? Me being a cougar, a predatory woman seeking younger men. I am a vibrant energetic woman and men my age are old fuddy duddies – clinically obese, cardigan-wearing and lazy.

Strangest gig? In a giant marquee with bankers on a team-building weekend, no stage, with a failed Eighties DJ. Half an hour of hell!

What’s the worst heckler you’ve had? A drunk guy called Vinnie at Bury Town Hall. He heckled all the other acts, so, during the interval, I got the lowdown on him from his mates so when he started at me, I had a wealth of sharp retorts.

THE RAID

SOUTH DOWNS / THE BROWNING VERSION

FILM

THEATRE

One of the best action films of the last decade, The Raid is something of an oddity – a martial arts ass-kicking action movie, shot in Indonesia with an Indonesian cast, yet directed by ambitious Welshman, Gareth Evans. A bonecrunching punch-up that is stunt heavy/CG-free, this film will have you wincing, and marks Evans as hot property for the future.

Commissioned as a companion piece to Terence Rattigan’s 1948 one-act The Browning Version, David Hare’s short new play, also set in a boys’ public school, takes place in 1962, around the time he himself attended a similar institution.

Enjoyable, amusing and well-acted though it is, it can’t match the power of the older work. LK

On general release May 18

Harold Pinter SW1Y 4DN. Until Jul 21. £15-£49.50 Piccadilly Circus browningversion.com

Has moving to the UK influenced your comedy much? I returned to the UK in 1990 and became the landlady of a rural pub in Kent. My humour embraces Brit and Aussies.

I say what Brits are too scared or polite to say. Some people have a posher ‘telephone voice’, I have a stage ‘Pammy voice’ that’s more Aussie than how I normally speak.

I grow balls with a mic in my hand.

Pam Ford plays ROFL and LOL The Finsbury, N4 1EY. Free. May 16 Manor House facebook.com/roflandlol

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SPARETIME

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Beach House: Bloom

@tntmagazine

Starhawk PS3

Battle merciless enemies on the ground, in vehicles and in the air. £43.99 hitari.co.uk

Album

The beautiful fourth studio album by the American dream-pop duo. £7.99 amazon.co.uk

Max Payne 3 Glee: The Music, The Graduation Album

X360

Still haunted by past traumas, Payne is now working as private security in Brazil. £41.99 argos.co.uk

Album

Another dose of American high school ultra-cheese. Ultra-cheese that’s ultra-catchy, that is. £9.00 amazon.co.uk

Gifture iPhone

Richard Guard: Lost London

Animate your Instagram photos into hilarious gifs.

Endless fun.

Free itunes.apple.com

Book

The darkest corners of London’s history – racing cheetahs, ice fairs and Bedlam asylum. £7.49 bookdepository.co.uk

Smell Raiser iPhone

A skunk named Spiffy is on a mission to explore far-flung lands. The new Angry Birds? £0.69 itunes.apple.com

Stanley Donwood: Household Worms Book

Famous for creating Radiohead’s album artwork, the artist turns to the written word. £10.00 waterstones.com

View Quest portable retro DAB radio Gadget

With an iPod/iPhone dock, digital radio and FM tuner. £90.50 qvcuk.com

Deadball DVD

Offensive, politically incorrect sports splatter-comedy – a death tournament for juvenile inmates. £9.99 play.com

Bubble Pistol Toy

Just the ticket for messing about in the sun now summer’s almost here. £3.00 tigerstores.co.uk

Four DVD

Dark comedy – a jealous husband hires a detective to kidnap and scare his wife’s lover. £12.17 hive.co.uk

App of the Week Burgerapp iPhone

“As essential to your phone as cheese is to a cheeseburger” – the best burger joints in London with maps, reviews and more. £1.49 itunes.apple.com

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LIFESTYLESHOPPING

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Label Lab swimsuit Kaleidescopic colours are the game with this cute halterneck cossie.

Block stripe shorts Rock these swim shorts all holiday long.

Shauna pleated triangle bikini with snake detail Serpents are the order of the day with this fine specimen of beachwear.

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MARKETWATCH SOHO FLEA MARKET

Taking over Soho’s Dean Street next Sunday will be tons of artisans, artists, fashion designers, jewellery designers, filmmakers and musicians – all in the name of HIV and sexual health charity Terrence Higgins Trust. Shop (and support a good cause) at stalls laid on by brands like Paper Shakers screen printers, Skin Bistro organic beauty, Amelia Parker, with recycled jewellery, Bandwagon music specialists and Syd & Mallory’s vintage boutique.

The folks from Filthy Gorgeous will also be on hand to give street beauty treatments and entertainment will be provided by musicians Sam Gray, Hudson Taylor and Akayzia alongside comedian Paul T Eyres. Also look out for events run by local restaurants and venues on the day – there’ll be art exhibitions

by Chloe Cheese, Alan Cox and John White at The French House.

St Ives swimmers Rock this Hawaiian print on shores from Falaraki to Shagaluf.

Summer swim style

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Men’s navy swim shorts This practical pair is jazzed up with some yellow piping – or go-faster stripes. blueinc.co.uk

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LIFESTYLEHEALTH CLASS OF THE WEEK

BIKINI BODY CLASS Many a celebrity has raved about the wonders of pilates – Jenifer Aniston loves it, Miley Cyrus is obsessed and Hilary Duff has even been spotted coming out of a class or two.

But it’s never going to work if you don’t push yourself to the max. Bootcamp Pilates (the name gives the game away) gets results by making you work ’til you feel the burn. And now bikini season is edging one tiny strap closer each day, they’ve introduced a session dedicated to getting a streamlined bikini body.

Using reformer machines and resistance techniques, the hard-asnails classes will target your abs, arms, legs and bum (basically, all the spots you hate getting out) to give you that killer body (and beach confidence).

Hour-long classes are in the studios now run throughout the summer. They’re £18 a pop, but you can get them cheaper if you buy them in blocks. See timetables on the Bootcamp Pilates website for specific venues and dates.

Kemp House, 152-160 City Road, EC1V 2NP; 34 Porchester Road, W2 6ES; Marvic House, 30 Bishop’s Road, SW6 7AD; 4 Red Lion Street, TW9 1RW Old Street; Royal Oak; Fulham Broadway; Richmond bootcamppilates.com

@tntmagazine

Say ‘Ommm’ Yoga isn’t all about twisting into dodgy looking poses – it can be fun. Honest WORDS CAROL DRIVER We’ve all seen those crazy-looking people, heads tucked in, bums waving in the air, wobbling as they try to hold the pose.

Yes, everyone looks stupid when they do yoga, but it is supposed to be good for you.

Experts cite everything from health benefits such as reducing stress and alleviating headaches, to increasing spirituality – if you believe in that type of thing. Here, TNT gives you the lowdown on classes in London.

Aerial yoga, east London WHAT: Unlike your usual ground-work yoga, this version sees you hanging suspended from the ceiling with your weight supported in a harness. It might sound incredibly unnatural, but it means you feel weightless, which apparently helps achieve deeper stretches and greater flexibility while building core strength and developing good posture. It also makes the poses easier to accomplish. We dare you to do this class with a bunch of mates without breaking out into fits of giggles.

BENEFITS: Alleviates muscle tension;

Hang loose 36

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stimulates release of happy hormones; improves concentration.

WHERE: Aerial Yoga, 30 New Road, Whitechapel, E1 2AX HOW MUCH? £12 per class or five for £50 SEE: aerialyogalondon.co.uk

Bikram yoga, Soho/ Victoria WHAT: Twist and shape into 26 different postures in a room heated to a sweltering 41C. The sequence is scientifically designed so that it works every muscle, tendon and ligament in your body. Each pose is done twice during this 90-minute sweatfest.

Girls, don’t expect to walk out of the room ‘glowing’, you’ll be drenched from head to toe. Make sure you drink plenty of fluids after to avoid dehydration.

BENEFITS: Loosens joints; improves muscle elasticity; promotes detoxification; boosts energy levels.

WHERE: Threeways House, Bolsover Street, W1W 5DW; 1 Vandon Passage, SW1H 0AS HOW MUCH? £16 per class or £130 for 10 classes to be used within six months SEE: sohotbikramyoga.co.uk

Strike a pose

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WHAT’S NEW

Radox showergel & shampoo Orange and tea tree for men £2.03 superdrug.com

Go deep: it’s harder than it looks

Smartwash men’s body lotion Smells fruity, in a manly way £3.99 laughingdonkey.co.uk

Yogamonks, Moorgate WHAT: This class is a fairly recent addition to yoga, but be prepared for it to be deeply physical. As well as unusual poses, there’s an element of spirituality to the process, with the emphasis on differentiating between mind and consciousness. Far out.

BENEFITS: Improved flexibility; increased awareness; reduces stress and anxiety.

WHERE: Blue Cow, 7 Moorgate, EC2R 6AF HOW MUCH? From £13 for a 45-minute class, £65 for a five-class pass SEE: bluecowyoga.com

Yin yoga, Marylebone WHAT: Bring a pal along for the ride, as

you’ll need support for this class, which fuses yoga, acrobatics and Thai massage. Expect to merge asana (yoga positions) sequences, partner acrobatics and therapeutic flying.

Don’t worry if you think it sounds too complicated, beginners are welcome.

And you’ll also put massage into the mix, which means those aches and pains will be smoothed away.

BENEFITS: Improves flexibility; works on trust issues; strengthens the spine.

WHERE: Indaba Yoga, 18 Hayes Place, NW1 6UA. NEXT WEEK HOW MUCH? From £12 How to Race For for a 45-minute class.

Life in London SEE: indabayoga.com

Lip venom prime For the perfect pout £15.00 shop.duwop.com

Photos: Thinkstock

TOP TREATMENT: BLOW DRY & NAILS If you’ve got a big party/date/night out and only half-an-hour to spare after work, snare yourself an express blow dry and manicure for less than £30 at the House of Rush’s brand new Blow Dry Bar. Choose from styles like curl happy, with cascading retro waves, the extra-volumous va va voom and straight up – the sleekest ‘do in London. It’s right in the West End, so you can head straight to the bars once you’ve been primped and primed. £29.95

Get the celebrity treatment

The House of Rush, 200 Piccadilly, W1J 9HY

rush.co.uk

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2True Voluptulash waterproof mascara A beach essential £1.99 superdrug.com

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

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Precision: make food your lifestyle

Food glorious food Make a living out of one of life’s greatest pleasures with a trade that’s simply gastronomical WORDS REBECCA KENT Food is a business with fairly low barriers to entry, but a potentially fair reward for hard work – just look at Jamie Oliver. Nigella’s got quite the following, too. If you are creative, clever and enthusiastic, this could be the industry that opens doors and provides the recipe to your success.

It could be a dream job “Food is a part of everybody’s life and for people who really enjoy it, working in the industry becomes an ahchievable fantasy,” says Jenny Stringer of Leiths cookery school (leiths.com).

There are many ways you can make the culinary world your (pan-fried) oyster, says Stringer, who sees some 100

graduates leave Leiths with a diploma in food and wine every year.

“A third of our students might go into restaurants because being a chef is a passion, others want to set themselves up as freelance caterers or chefs, doing the rounds at canapé and dinner parties. But there’s also the option to go into recipe testing for books or magazines, or join temping agencies for corporate dining,” she adds.

Additionally, you can try food writing, food styling, working as a private chef in exotic locations, or developing products for supermarkets.

Leiths alumnus lan Rosenthal went on to develop the one-pot meal company Stewed!, and his fellow

graduate Jane Hornby now has several successful cookery books to her name.

Think big Many foodies harbour an ambition to open their own establishment. Marc Dalla-Riva achieved this six months ago, when, at 25, he opened The Blacksmiths And The Toffeemaker (theblacksmithandthetoffeemaker.co.uk) in Islington, with a friend.

“I just couldn’t get excited about working in an office. I love drinking, I love eating, and that’s the basis for working in this industry,” he says.

Dalla-Riva considers his pub a purveyor of artisan gin and whiskey, with top-notch British fare. Having

F ro n t o f H o u s e Wa i t i n g S t a ff Westfield, Stratford City £8.60 ph - £10.45 ph Absolute Taste provides the finest hospitality for the VIP guests of the Vodafone McLaren Mercedes Formula 1 team and has a reputation for excellent food, exciting party design and professional staff. We recently won an exciting contract to be the official caterer of Westfield Stratford during the Olympic games. We are currently recruiting highly experienced staff to work with us on this exciting project this summer. The pay will be £8.60 during the off peak period and £10.45 during the peak period.

If you have fantastic customer service skills and are immaculately presented then send your CV and picture to staffing@absolutetaste.com 38

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LIFESTYLECAREERS ON THE JOB ANTHONY GANJOU CAREER Clean and Natural artist AGE 30 LIVES Queens Park FROM Queens Park How did you get into your line of work?

I noticed a billboard for Innocent juices on the side of a bus and the hypocrisy of its advertising struck me – something 100 per cent natural on something completely un-natural.

I was then inspired to help businesses create art sustainably.

Pukka: Jamie Oliver

Brew time: coffee must be a passion

already worked as CULINARY SCHOOLS that, like a chef, their a chef in fine-dining knowledge, skills and μLe Cordon Bleu: Master classic restaurants, he put techniques critically French techniques of cuisine and himself through affect the quality of the patisserie in its Le Grand Diplome. a spirits course, then product.

From £5365 cordonbleu.net investment from his Barista schools μCity Of Westminster College: father helped his dream The institution runs a food hygeine such as Prufrock to transpire. (prufrockcoffee.com) course for two days, after which “Having basic you get a Level 2 Certificate in Food and the London organisation in the School of Coffee Safety, perfect if you’re going into kitchen is invaluable, (londonschoolofcoffee. catering. £99 cwc.ac.uk including all the boring com) can offer μThe National Bakery School: stuff, like stock control qualifications, but Based at Southbank University, this and chef management.

Tolley says that’s not school prepares budding bakers for But also you can’t be the most important their trade. lsbu.ac.uk afraid to get your hands μLeiths: The Basic Certificate part. “You’ve got to dirty,” he says. love coffee, plus spend in Food And Wine here can open Dalla-Riva also a lot of time in cafes doors. £6990 leiths.com advises following and ask the barista industry trends. “To be successful about their coffee philosophy,” he says. you’ve got to look at what your peers A barista can earn £6.50-£10 an hour. are doing,” he says. “I don’t see them Get handy as competitors, but as inspiration.”

It’s possible to work in the food industry Brew time based on experience alone. However, the technical skills offered at a learning Andrew Tolley, 34, co-founder of Taylor institution will put you ahead.

St Baristas (taylor-st.com), studied Either way, you can expect a salary environmental science before he between £16,000 for a demi chef poured his passion into caffeine. de partie and £100,000 as an “I really enjoyed drinking coffee, executive chef. For jobs, made it badly when I had a restaurant see corechefs.com, job in Sydney, but it developed into NEXT WEEK corecruitment.com, an obsession,” he says.

Skills shortages as well as The baristas in Tolley’s cafe are in London bluesagency.co.uk. trained based on the philosophy

What do you do day-to-day?

When we are creating clean art, such as what was delivered for Flash as part of the P&G Capital Clean Up, it can be perfecting artwork, testing dirty walls, or cleaning 100ft up.

What’s the best part of your job?

The reaction of people to what we do.

The emotional response never ceases to amaze. We often have our picture taken over 500 times a day on the job.

What’s the most challenging part?

Without a doubt the British weather.

There isn’t anything worse than being 100ft in the air soaking wet and cleaning!

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Multi award winning, Michelin starred restaurant requires

CHEF DE PARTIES AND ABOVE REQUIRED FOR ONGOING CASUAL WORK FOR THE SPRING/SUMMER AND BEYOND Chefs Needed for Music Tours and Music Festivals VIP Stadium Backstage Catering / Event Caterers / 4-5 Star Hotels / Restaurants

CHEF DE PARTIE

ALSO RECRUITING FOR THE LONDON OLYMPICS 2012 AND THE 2012 INTERNATIONAL CRICKET SEASON Work as much or as little as you want; for as long as you want to!

Weekly / Monthly / Daily basis

WAITING STAFF

Predominately Monday to Friday 8am-6pm, with functions 2-3 times a week, evenings or weekends

If you are interested in working with great food and in an Work in stadiums, music festivals, palaces, private homes and historic buildings in and around London.

Also recruiting for the Olympics and major cricket grounds.

energetic, friendly team please email us your CV.

Create buffet, canapé receptions and lavish banquets for a large range of clients - from awards ceremonies to film premieres to Royal receptions

For kitchen jobs email: mattchristmas@chezbruce.co.uk

£9 - £15 per hour / £150 - £400 per day depending on grade

For front of house jobs email: ian@chezbruce.co.uk

We offer excellent rates of pay, but sound experience in similarly high class establishment is a must.

tntjobs.co.uk FAYRE DO’S LOCATION CATERERS T: 020 7237 6691 www.fayredos.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Food Service Person with Clean Driving Licence Location: London Salary: £70.00 +per day

We Supply food to the film and TV industry from feature films to pop promos and private events

You will have an excellent manner in dealing with the crew and serving food to them. Should also have some driving knowledge of London.

ORIGIN

JOB OF THE WEEK: Live-In Carers Location: London & South East Salary: £504 per week

T: 020 7617 7894 www.origincare.com

Jamie Cook | 020 7237 6691 | fayredos@aol.com

Live-in roles typically of 2 weeks on and 1 week off. Free specialist training provided with Origin, a dedicated company established over 10 years

Our clients are young adults with a spinal injury. We need positive people to help them live independently. Free accommodation, food and refunded travel expenses!

Promotional prospects and higher rates of pay available.

RANDOLPHS HOSPITALITY & EVENTS RECRUITMENT

JOB OF THE WEEK: General Estate Workers Location: Private Chateau in France nr Paris Salary: Travel and save £££’s!

T: 020 3617 9120 www.randolphsrecruitment.com We are a leading hospitality & events recruitment company

020 7617 7894 | www.origincare.com click on jobs section

Hardworking enthusiastic team players required for: Hospitality, housekeeping & kitchen team. Endurance Horse Race Team - with travel to race meeting around France and Europe. Package includes paid 44 hour week plus Full Board & Travel.

Interviews in London only. Must have UK working visa.

0203 617 9120 | desrin@randolphsrecruitment.com

Looking for your next job? NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY 40

JOBS

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tntjobs.co.uk NEXT LEVEL PHARMA T: +421-232-662-621 www.nextlevelpharma.com

Looking for your next job?

NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY JOB OF THE WEEK: International Sales Executive (junior) Location: Bratislava, Slovak Republic Salary: Basic + commission (€2000-2500+ monthly)

We organise conferences across Europe & The USA, that provide business intelligence and networking opportunities for the global pharmaceutical industry.

Make telephone contact with senior pharmaceutical executives, worldwide and promote/ sell attendance to our exciting industry events, to meet other industry peers and learn about the latest developments in a dynamic, knowledge intensive industry.

GALLOWGLASS

JOB OF THE WEEK: Location: London Salary: £8 - £11 per hour + skills payments

T: 0845 300 2468 www.gallowglass.co.uk Gallowglass is UKs leading crewing company to the sporting and events industry, working for TV, theatre, film and outdoor production companies.

UK SALES FORCE T: 0207 608 4890 www.uksalesforcelondon.com UK Sales Force is a large company with over 100 employees nationwide in the UK. We adopt a number of contracts from various companies in the UK in order to strengthen their sales and marketing arm through over 20 years of experience in marketing and telephones sales

SAUNTS PARTIES & EVENTS T: 01759 318964 www.saunts.co.uk

Geoff Cable, CEO | +421-232-662-621 | geoff.cable@nextlevelpharma.com

Gallowglass is involved in many aspects of the 2012 Games as well as our on-going work, and has vacancies for friendly, enthusiastic and outgoing people to join our crew.

You will need to be physically fit, have excellent spoken English, be adaptable, happy to work anti-social hours and have a can-do attitude.

CV to hr@gallowglass.co.uk or fill in our on line form at www.gallowglass.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Closers Required Location: London Retainer & Commission: £100k+ We are seeking experienced and qualified sales people for a financial contract that is very lucrative. If you are eager to pick up the telephone and close hard...in return we offer great working environment, friendly staff and a modern office in a buzzing location.

A lot of jobs can promise the world, but not deliver. Our company has proven they deliver and our sales people are taking home over £2000/week. If this sounds like something for you, then pick up the phone, call 0207 608 4890 and ask for Mike.

Mike | 0207 608 4890 JOB OF THE WEEK: Chef Location: Pocklington, near York Salary: Negotiable. Dependent on age and experience.

We are a bespoke outside catering company based near York, catering for both the private and corporate market providing high quality food and service.

Experienced, creative chef required for outside catering company based in Yorkshire.

Accommodation can be provided. Own transport required. Guaranteed work till end of September 2012.

TELEVISION FACILITY COMPANY

JOB OF THE WEEK: Accounts Assistant Location: Battersea Salary: £18k

Rents out equipment to Production Companies.

Please email etter or cv to info@saunts.co.uk.

Wanted for a very busy Television Facility company.

Must have accounts experience and wants to work in a challenging role.

Must be fluent in English and be computer literate.

Send CV to Lee@procamtv.com

T: 07716 376 408

JOB OF THE WEEK: Best Backpackers Jobs ever Location: UK, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand Salary: Average £600 pw. Make £10,000 by Summer

IPG is an international company marketing leisure events (paintball, go-karting, theme parks).

Work as part of a team at outdoor shows/indoor shopping centres across the country.

See the sights, and have fun along the way. IPG’s promo teams comprise 150+ Aussies, Kiwis, Canadians, and more. Free drinks every Friday night.

IPG

07716 376 408

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LIFESTYLELIVING

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STYLE .99

£29

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Olympic ambition Stratford, E15

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Why Stratford?

There’s a lot going on here at the moment – unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ll have heard about the Olympics and all the money being pumped in to regenerate the area (Westfield Stratford City cost £1.4bn alone). There’s obviously going to be a huge buzz around the area this summer, and development is planned to continue in the years after.

Don’t move here if...

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Urban jungle: Stratford is regenerating Where to hang out Stratford has its fair share of old-man pubs and bingo halls, but since Westfield Stratford City opened, there are more eating and drinking venues to hang out in. There’s a TGI Friday’s (great cocktails, always chock-full) and a branch of All Star Lanes for if you’re in the mood for some dinner followed by retro bowling.

Boutiques and arty cafes haven’t reached Stratford, but shopping-wise, it’s got everything you need – cheap shops like Wilkinson on the High Street and in the Stratford Centre, and the shiny new shops in Westfield. Pretty handy when you need to grab something in a rush.

You like your neighbourhood to be pristine – it certainly isn’t right now and building sites dot the centre and Olympic areas.

The people Shaswat Patel, from Letting International on Romford Road, says Stratford’s becoming a much more attractive place to live.

“We’re finding a lot of people, especially from Europe, are looking to live and work here – Italian, Greek, Spanish, Romanian. It is buzzing at the moment,” he says.

“It used to have a lot more lower-income housing, but with the Olympics coming here and new blocks going up we’re finding a lot more young professionals, in their early twenties to early thirties, moving here, so it’s becoming a bit more chic than it used to be.

It’s exciting times.”

The connections It may be Zone 3, but Stratford has it made for transport. From Stratford station, the Central line will take you to central London and the City, and you can link up with the DLR and Overground trains to places

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FINAL 1498 Lifestyle Living Stra42 42

11/5/12 11:15:17

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MY AREA NATALIA

KOTOWSKA Student, 18

“Stratford is busy and prices are going up, but I like it here. I usually go to Stratford Park or West Ham Park to chill out with friends. There should be more clubs, though!”

TONY

JOSE Catering assistant, 27

like Dalston, Islington, Richmond and Clapham. The DLR also has stops at Stratford International (where the Eurostar stops) and Stratford High Street. But unsurprisingly, the area has been earmarked as a hotspot for delays during the Games.

What can you rent You can pick and choose according to your budget and taste in Stratford. It’s in demand, but not so much so that rental prices have overtaken the rest of London.

Shiny new blocks of flats are up for grabs near Stratford City, overlooking the Olympic

Park, and houses, flats in converted period properties as well as ex-council blocks are to be found five to 10 minutes’ walk from Stratford City station and further out.

Lee Lingard, from Movers Property on Romford Street, says: “People want to be in the new Stratford City part. But to find a bargain, you’d have to look at the fringe streets going east towards NEXT WEEK Forest Gate border, or going north The Chelsea Flower Show towards Maryland territory.”

“There are a lot of restaurants in Westfield – Indian, Chinese, all types of food. And it’s affordable.

The people are friendly here and really helpful.”

KARINA ALBERT Sales, 22

“With the Olympics coming here, it’s starting to thrive. There’s an old Stratford and a new Stratford.

Westfield’s the best place for shopping, restaurants and bars.”

E15 INFO BOROUGH

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A room in a renovated threebedroom house with new windows, furniture and appliances. There’s also more than 60ft of garden, which is pretty large for the area.

A light and airy, fully furnished and newly built apartment in a modern block with a gym, sauna and 24-hour concierge. Overlooks the Olympic village.

Ground-floor maisonette in a quiet cul-de-sac, with parking and french doors leading to a private gardens.

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FINAL 1498 Lifestyle Living Stra43 43

43

11/5/12 11:15:29

WORLDVIEW

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Sci-fi-fact: hover cars are here

HOVER CAR FINALLY UNVEILED CHINA Ever since Michael J Fox ran around Back To The Future’s Hill Valley we’ve wanted one of these, and now hover cars have moved one step closer to becoming reality.

A round, yo-yo-looking prototype has been unveiled by Volkswagen at the Auto China 2012 car show in Beijing.

The emission-free, joystick-controlled automobile uses electro-magnetics to hover, and was designed with input from the Chinese public.

“The trend is towards safe cars that can navigate overcrowded roads and have a personal, emotional and exciting design,” Volkswagen China’s Head of Design said.

TWEETS OF THE WEEK

@frankieboyle Disdressing what happens to a man’s balls in his late thirties. I look like I’m getting a piggy back off Jeremy Clarkson @katyperry Sucking face with a kanga.

Yep. @danieltosh the day i notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day i’ll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

KIWI WOMEN ‘THE MOST PROMISCUOUS’ NEW ZEALAND Conservative Party leader Colin Craig has courted controversy by declaring that Kiwi women are the most promiscuous in the world.

In an interview with Radio New Zealand, Craig went on to say the taxpayer should not be picking up the bill for free contraception for women on benefits who 44

There are many ways to demonstrate, but this clown, literally, decided upon a very different form of protest – juggling grenades. Argentine-born street clown Ramiro Urriticoechea decided upon this dangerous performance after riot police clashed with demonstrators in La Paz last week. God knows what he planned for an encore!

sleep around, which constitutes just $1m of the government’s $287m welfare reform.

“Until we get back to the principles of personal responsibility we will not stop the encroachment and continuing cost of a welfare state we cannot afford,” he said.

MAN BECOMES TYRANNOSAURUS REX UNITED STATES A young man from Nebraska has decided that his regular name was just too plain, boring and forgettable and so has changed it, legally, to Tyrannosaurus Rex. Tyler Gold will now be known as the king of lizards, or T-Rex to his

friends presumably, because this new name is much cooler. “As an entrepreneur, name recognition is important and the new name is more recognisable,” he added.

A judge enquired as to whether Mr Gold had decided to change his name so as to avoid detection by creditors or law enforcement officers, to which the man formerly known as Tyler replied he had not.

Accordingly, as he had proceeded through the proper channels, the judge granted the change in name.

T-Rex joins an list of people who have changed their name to something more eye-catching.

Artist Tracie Koziura was renamed Rebel Wolf as she loved wolves.

Fair enough.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 18

Times more likely to be attacked by a computer virus when visiting a religious site than a porn one, a new study reveals

Sunbeds: leave your kids at home

TANNING MOM GETS SALON BAN UNITED STATES ‘Tanning mom’ Patricia Krentcil, who was arrested for allegedly putting her five-year-old daughter on a sunbed, is in the spotlight again after being banned from a number of salons.

Several establishments in her home state of New Jersey have barred the orange-faced mother from using their services, some even going as far as posting pictures of her behind the counter so that staff can easily recognise her.

The woman, who has pleaded her innocence saying she was in the tanning booth and her daughter simply in the same room, has found herself the focus of media attention over the last couple of weeks.

She was the subject of a Saturday Night Live skit and has been immortalised even further by a new $30 action figure doll mocking her tanning bed looks.

“They’re making her out to be a monster,” Patricia’s husband said. “She just likes it [tanning]. She’s not a crazy maniac.”

No, she just happens to look a lot like one, though.

Photos: AIZAR RALDES/AFP/Getty; Facebook

FLESH-EATING BACTERIA ATTACKS UNITED STATES A woman had her leg amputated after a zip line accident saw her limb infected with a flesh-eating bacteria.

Aimee Copeland was kayaking in Carrollton, Georgia, when she rode on a homemade zip wire across the creek.

When the line snapped she suffered a large gash to her left calf through which

1498 World News.indd 45

Years that have passed since a Victoria man, in court last week, allegedly murdered a WW2 veteran

200.3 Injured: Aimee Copeland (left) and family the flesh eating bacteria entered her body.

She was taken to Tanner Medical Centre. It was only when she returned to the hospital for a third time that she was diagnosed with ‘necrotising fasciitis’, a disease affecting deep layers of skin.

“The surgeons advised me they wanted to try to save her leg but at this point saving her life took precedence,” Aimee’s father Andy said.

HOUSE COLLAPSES ON TOP OF MAN AUSTRALIA A man has survived being trapped for 45 minutes when a Melbourne house he was helping to move collapsed on top of him.

The weatherboard home in Princeton Road, Mount Waverley was being relocated when it slipped off the back of a truck and on top of the 19-year old. The house’s weight was distributed evenly, though, sparing the young man any serious injury.

An ambulance spokesman said he was “incredibly lucky” to have escaped any broken bones. Not lucky enough to have avoided being squished by a falling house in the first place, though.

3

Number of dollars, in millions, Avengers Assemble earned in the US on its opening weeked. A new record

Tickets to go back on sale for this summer’s Olympic Games in the latest round of sales. Does nobody want them?

900,000

QUOTE OF THE WEEK I was talking to his lawyers for two months and they never brought up this excuse he was in New York Lawyer Okorie Okorocha says John Travolta’s claims he was on the east coast at the time he has been accused of groping two masseuses at an LA hotel are a new addition to their defence case. The Hollywood actor maintains he is innocent of all charges

11/5/12 16:38:09

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TNT_1498_EDIT.indd 46

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TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: CAROL DRIVER carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

Say ‘kerching’: Amy Childs

Shut up! Girls from TOWIE are WELL good role models

Photos: Getty

Let’s face it, there are worse lifestyles girls could aspire to lead

Apparently, The Only Way Is Essex girls aren’t good role models. According to the results of a survey released last week, the ‘reality’ TV show is encouraging young girls to follow a glitzy champagne lifestyle. And, along with shows such as Skins and Geordie Shore, it’s considered “a blueprint of how their lives should look”.

Although our first reaction to this very important news might be “no shit, Sherlock”, let’s delve a little deeper, below the surface of the overly tanned faces and too-white teeth.

When I was growing up, I didn’t have a role model (no sympathy required). The shows on TV weren’t much cop. As a teenager there were, Eurotrash, The Big Breakfast, The Word (Google them) and then Dawson’s Creek and Friends.

In terms of female influences on TV, the choice was between giggly girls or Lola Ferrari.

OK, so Amy Childs and Lauren Goodger aren’t exactly bastions of the feminist cause, but what they do represent is a shift in our societal norms. Yes, they might flaunt their flesh and wear too much makeup (go out on a Friday night and this is happening pretty much everywhere, and was happening long before TOWIE hit the small screen), but these are working-class-done-good girls; with many of them running their own businesses.

If nothing more, they’re proof to the younger generation that you don’t have to be a straight-A student to have some degree of success.

The Girls’ Attitudes Survey, carried out by Girlguiding UK, said many seven to 21year-olds are celebrity-obsessed. But that behaviour is no different from groupies fainting watching Elvis or idolising Marilyn Monroe back in the Fifties. There are just more celebs today, and, if anything, that makes it more realistic for youngsters to star in a TV show, because there are so many. So why not aspire to do that? What’s wrong with that?

The bottom line is shows such as TOWIE are harmless, they’ll fizzle out soon enough.

But if their legacy is that girls grow up believing it’s possible not to be stuck in a secondrate, nine-to-five job for the rest of their lives, where’s the harm in that? » Agree or disagree? Are TOWIE girls bad role models? letters@tntmagazine.com

ABOUT TIME, OBAMA! Same sex couples should be allowed to marry, says Barack Obama. Quizzed

by ABC news, the US president finally backed “gay and lesbians” being treated “fairly and equally”.

Cue a huge flurry of outcry, support, bewilderment and joy, as everybody from politicians to rights campaigners wanted to have their say after Obama opened the floodgates of acceptance.

Of course, what he said represents a cultural shift, a reflection of the views of society demanding equal treatment for all.

But it’s long overdue. Everyone in the real world is already steps ahead of our leaders,

“

Even our PM David Cameron is scared

”

who hesitate to support what’s right. Even our PM David Cameron is too scared.

Let’s just hope Obama’s as good as his word, and it wasn’t just for votes. @Choire summed up the view from the gay community nicely in a tweet: “Thank god I got gay-married last year, when it was still cool and underground.”

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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11/5/12 15:02:29

LOLcats make us smarter Don’t press delete! These silly images reflect a clever culture, says a meme expert WORDS CAROL DRIVER With cutesy images of kittens and captions breaking every grammatical rule in the book, you’d be forgiven for not giving much thought to LOLcats. Often, they’ll pop into your inbox from well-meaning friends, or they’ll appear on your Facebook feed. You read them, smile, then dismiss them, and get back to work. However, the popular memes have become a cultural phenomenon – much to the chagrin of critics who claim these types of internet crazes are producing a dumbed-down generation of kids with a low attention span, that can’t spell.

Instead, Kate Miltner, who has recently been awarded the best Master’s degree ever from the London School of Economics, is arguing memes such as LOLcats (‘laugh-outloud cat’) are a way of “making meaningful connections with others”. And, if anyone should know, it’s Miltner, 29, who wrote her dissertation on how LOLcats make us smarter.

In her paper, Miltner, from the US, writes: “LOLcats have spawned two best-selling books, a Bible translation, an art show, and an off-Broadway musical.

“LOLcats have also inspired the development of a massive international community; in July 2011, thousands of Cheezburger [a website dedicated to LOLcats and other LOL animals] fans converged upon Safeco Field in Seattle for Cheezburger Field Day.” However, the concept of a LOLcat is not that new. As early as 1870, photographer Harry Pointer created a series of small images featuring cats in various situations, running with amusing text. And the word “meme” was first coined by evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins in The Selfish Gene as “an idea, behaviour or style that spreads from person to person within a culture”.

But it’s doubtful either of these men could have foreseen that their findings would evolve into what we have today.

LOLcats were given their name in 2006. Until then, the images were just “silly photos of cats with comic captions” 48

on “daft websites”, as author Clay Shirky called them in his book Cognitive Surplus.

Today, there are hundreds of websites dedicated to serving the needs of LOLcat lovers – from Cats That Look Like Hitler and I Can Haz Cheezburger? to Caturday At X Boards Gallery and The Definitive Lolcats Glossary.

A quick glimpse at Cheezburger, which commands three million unique hits a month, uncovers two images. “stop! yer steak’z kontameenated. dun worri i eatz fer u,” are the words underneath a photo of a cat with his paw on his owner’s dinnerplate. “THAT WAS THE LAST TIME THEY

“

LOLcats have inspired a devoted following

”

FORGOT TO CLEAN OUT MY LITTER BOX,” reads another, as a “kitteh” walks away from a nuclear mushroom cloud.

Sure, they’re amusing for a moment, but what’s the longterm appeal? What makes internet users want to engage and share these seemingly easily dismissed images?

Miltner says that unlike other internet memes for which popularity tends to wane after a short period of time, LOLcats have remained “relevant and popular” for more than five years, “inspiring a devoted following”.

The internet anthropologist said her research indicated the LOLcat audience falls into three groups.

“Cheezfrenz” is made up of diehards who are “invested LOLcat lovers whose interest in LOLcats generally stems from their affinity for cats”. MemeGeeks establish their affiliation with the group by making LOLcats that refer to more obscure memes. Finally, there are the casual users, those who are bored at work, who share LOLcats if they find them cute or

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Photos: Thinkstock; Flickr; chibiviolinist; pfctdayelise

LOL? The cats in action

funny. They’d pass them on to friends and family as a way of keeping in touch.

Miltner says it’s not necessarily the impact of the image of the cat, or the misspelled words underneath, which have led to LOLcats’ popularity. She says: “Many LOLcats are created or shared for the purpose of interpersonal communication and emotional expression. Ultimately, LOLcats are funny pictures of cats; however, the ways in which they traffic in fundamental human needs like belonging and emotional expression are no laughing matter.”

And those who guffaw at or dismiss Miltner’s choice of subject to study, suggesting, as some have, that it’s not worthy of analysis, would be wrong, according to Patrick Davison. The PhD candidate is focusing on memes at the NYU Steinhardt School of Culture, Education, and Human Development. He says his research is important “because these are the kind of cultural interactions that people participate in these days”.

He told The Independent: “You wouldn’t blink twice if someone said they wanted to study the cultural effect of newspapers or books or TV.” Defending her own research, Miltner is quick to point out the fact that LOLcats are so popular, with millions of people interacting and sharing, makes it worth exploring.

She writes: “What I ultimately discovered is how seemingly trivial pieces of media – pictures of cats with captions – can act as meaningful conduits to central elements of our humanity.

“They are a venue through which people express their emotions, connect to their loved ones, and define group identity. This not only gives them value; it makes them important. To quote [technology expert] Sherry Turkle, ‘some are tempted to think of life in cyberspace as insignificant, as escape or meaningless diversion. It is not. Our experiences there are serious play. We belittle them at our risk’.”

LOLCATS GLOSSARY LANGUAGE OF ITS OWN Creating LOLcats isn’t as simple as sticking badly spelled words over a photo of a cat – there are rules to follow, as well as heaps of websites offering guidance to what is a growing community.

As part of her research, Miltner put together a glossary which gives outsiders a glimpse into this everincreasing online network. Here are some examples: Ceiling Cat: Ceiling Cat refers to an image of a cat peeking through a hole in a ceiling.

Cheez Town Cryer: A blog that serves as a social and informational hub for the commenter community on ICanHasCheezburger.com Image macro: An image macro is an image with text superimposed upon it. Image macros tend to be humorous in nature. LOLCats are an example of an image macro.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPORTNEWS

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BLUES ADVERTISE PAT LAM’S JOB RUGBY UNION Blues coach Pat Lam finds time has run out as the NZRU advertise for his job.

The news was announced last week with the Blues boss yet to sign on the dotted line offered him for next year.

“I haven’t changed my stance whether the job’s going to be advertised or not. I have a job until the end of the year and just get on and do that,” Lam said.

The Blues won 29-3 against the Lions last Friday, their first win since March.

AUSSIE TV NETWORKS COMPETE FOR NRL RUGBY LEAGUE ARL Commission officials met rival broadcasters Ten and Seven last week for talks the game’s administrators hope will drive the new broadcast deal past the $1bn mark.

The Commission has received initial offers from current rights holders Network Nine and Fox Sports, and will head to the open market seeking the best offer.

NRL CEO David Gallop said:“Our game’s ratings are there for everyone to see and it’s important that we maximise the value of the rights.”

The NRL hope to have the television rights issue sealed by July.

SHEEDY AIMS FOR NEW ‘SPECIAL’ MATCH AFL Kevin Sheedy, the man who dreamed up the Anzac Day game and the annual Dreamtime and Marn Grook trophy fixtures, already has his sights on getting his new club, Greater Western Sydney, involved in a special event.

The round-18 clash against Collingwood doesn’t need more spice after Eddie McGuire’s ‘’land of the falafel’’ comment but Sheedy has his own idea for the game: the ‘’Building Australia’’ match.

“This is a hallmark game ... for these 22 million people who helped build the nation,” he said. “AFL has been going for 150 years and we’ve finally put our hand up to thank the working people of this country. That’s too long.”

50

In Synch: the Team GB synchronised swimming team pose following the squad’s announcement. Only two of the nine-strong team have Olympic experience and it is the first time Britain has sent a full synchro team to the Games. Not long now, eh?

AUSTRALIAN MIDDLE ORDER If you’re in need of a change as well...

www.pssremovals.com

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

1498 SPORTS NEWS.indd 50

11/5/12 15:45:45

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PREVIEW Champions League Final BAYERN MUNICH V CHELSEA SAT, 7.45PM. SKY SPORTS 1 This is the game that will shape the next few seasons for Chelsea.

Win and they’ll be champions of Europe and automatically qualify for next year’s competition. Lose and the Europa Cup is the best they’ll do as they battle to recement themselves in the EPL’s top four – hardly a scenario that will attract top players.

Each team’s semi-final was marred by cards leading to suspension – Chelsea

are without John Terry, Branislav Ivanovic, Ramires and Raul Meireles; Bayern will miss David Alaba, Holger Badstuber and Luis Gustavo – but the football will still be scintillating, as the likes of Arjen Robben, Mario Gomez, Didier Drogba and Frank Lampard elevate their games for one of the biggest matches of their careers.

We’re picking a 2-2 draw, followed by a Chelsea win on penalties. Roman Abramovich’s big-spending ways may not have impressed many, but it would be great to have an English team win something major at long last.

I would love to but it looks very difficult. I have to see what the doctors find, but I think that it’s impossible Barcelona and Spain main man Carlos Puyol on his chances of being fit for the Euros after needing a knee op

is going to win the boxing bout Q Who between David Haye and Derek Chisora?

It’s a shame because it was a great story; a kid from the streets coming through the ranks to win a world title against all the odds

ever a fight was worthy of the term ‘grudge match’, A Ifthen it is this. The two Brits made fools of themselves and

Johnny Nelson on Lamont Peterson’s drug test fail ahead of his Amir Khan rematch

THE CHAT | Haye v Chisora

Photos: Getty

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

dragged a sport struggling for credibility further into the gutters with their February brawl. The fight – due to be held at Upton Park this July, it’s been condemned by the British Boxing Authority, but has been sanctioned by the Luxembourg Boxing Federation – will be close. After a sore toe saw him lose his belt, Haye, back from retirement, will want a victory to go out on a high. Chisora, who vowed to shoot Haye, would clearly relish sending him to the canvas. Embodying boxing’s best and Deplorable and unmissable worst, the fight’s deplorable, yet simultaneously unmissable.

I asked for support from World Snooker and I never got it.

And I don’t think I’ll ever get it Ronnie O’Sullivan expresses his dismay over snooker’s lack of compassion for its stars

TV HIGHLIGHTS TENNIS ATP Rome Masters First day of the Italian ATP tournament Mon, 11am-5pm/Sky Sports 2

FOOTBALL Championship Playoff Final West Ham face off against Blackpool Sat, 3pm/ Sky Sports 1

CRICKET England v West Indies Day one of the First Test Thurs, 10am/ Sky Sports 1 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: TOM STURROCK

Drug cheat Chambers could compete at the games

Olympic spirit undermined by controversial selections Compromise leaves London 2012 Games with identity crisis

» Agree or disagree? Should Chambers and D’Arcy be at the Games? letters@tntmagazine.com 52

NSW AS FAVOURITES IS A TOUGH PITCH We’re a couple of weeks away from the year’s first State of Origin clash and Queensland coach Mal Meninga reckons his side is the underdog despite winning the last six series.

Good luck with that.

Meninga referenced the retirement of Darren Lockyer, suggesting that NSW now see his side as being “in transition” and “a little frail”. It is unmitigated nonsense, of course.

The current Queensland side is remarkable for its sheer volume of quality, for having half a dozen of the world’s very best players to choose from, particularly

“

There is nothing frail about them

”

in the backs. On paper, there is absolutely nothing frail about them at all and it’s laughable to suggest they are anything but warm favourites.

Meninga’s spiel is more about engendering a siege mentality in his troops.

It’s standard fare but he shouldn’t expect anyone to take him seriously.

Photos: Getty

You don’t have to be an angel to be a professional sportsman. That horse bolted a long time ago, pulling Michael Vick, Ben Cousins, Wayne Rooney and Tiger Woods behind it. But if the Olympics wants to be different – the high virtue of elite sport is part of its pitch – Dwain Chambers, a drug cheat, and Nick D’Arcy, a thug, shouldn’t be allowed inside the tent.

In 2003, Chambers, one of Britain’s finest ever track sprinters, tested positive for THG, a banned performance-enhancing drug. He was disqualified for two years from all athletics and barred from the Olympics for life. It was curtains for him. Fair enough, too. There should be no place for cheats at the Olympics. However, the Court of Arbitration for Sport last week overturned that ban, meaning Chambers is free to compete, should he qualify.

Meanwhile, Swimming Australia has been forced to defend itself against accusations it cut a deal with Nick D’Arcy, who was dumped from the team for the 2008 Olympics after he violently assaulted one of his teammates, Simon Cowley, who was left with serious facial injuries. A court ordered D’Arcy to pay Cowley a six-figure damages claim – instead, he declared bankruptcy. And now, D’Arcy is on his way to London, with a real chance to win a medal in the 200m butterfly.

Jingoism is never in short supply at the Olympics and we are told that we are meant to be proud of those representing their countries. How many Australians will feel a sense of pride if and when they see Nick D’Arcy on a podium, draped in the flag?

It’s unreasonable to expect all sportsmen to be model citizens. The public is not entitled to demand that and, quite simply, it’s not sensible. But if the Olympics is to distinguish itself from other sports – somehow purer, less tainted by the compromises of the professional era, enriching an audience of millions – then the competitors must be held to an accordingly high standard. Otherwise, the Olympics’ claim to uniqueness unravels.

tom.sturrock@tntmagazine.com

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Happy to be home England will be hard to beat in familiar conditions WORDS TOM STURROCK It was a miserable winter abroad for the English cricket team. They turned up in the Emirates expecting to face a typically dishevelled Pakistan but were instead bamboozled by spin and left humbled by a 3-0 whitewash. A tour to Sri Lanka followed – they eked out a 1-1 draw but it was an underwhelming performance from the world’s top Test side.

This week, though, England begin their summer season in more familiar surroundings – at Lord’s – against a touring West Indies outfit and former fast bowler and Sky Sports pundit Bob Willis is suitably bullish about the hosts’ chances.

“I’m very confident indeed against the West Indies.

England had a difficult winter against spin over in the Emirates and in Sri Lanka,” Willis says. “But on their home patch, against guys who probably aren’t used to the ball swinging and seaming around, I expect it to be 3-0.”

Ian Botham, one of Willis’s fellow pundits, has been quick to shrug off the results against Pakistan and Sri Lanka.

Although Willis does not expect those series to have any lingering effects this summer, he does acknowledge the questions regarding England’s inability to perform on the sub-continent and the implications for how highly this current outfit should be rated.

“Later this year, England return to play India and that will be a real test for those guys and of what that experience against Pakistan and Sri Lanka did to their confidence,” he says. “That’s the real yardstick for teams – to be able to go to India and win there. The Australians did it in 2004 but I think that until England or South Africa manage to do that, they can’t be considered in the class of that Australian side.”

Those are questions for later this year, though. In the short-term, the English side remains settled, although Willis would prefer to see the attack bolstered by a fifth bowler.

“My preference is for five bowlers – which means you’d have Prior at six and Bresnan at seven, followed by Broad, Swann, Anderson and Finn,” he says.

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“But England won’t do that. Their tried and tested formula is to go in with four bowlers. Given that, I’d have thought Bopara will get the nod ahead of Patel for the first Test. He’s been around the team for a long time and I think England need to find out about him – to either give him an opportunity and stick with him or find someone else.”

Barring injury, the rest of England’s line-up picks itself but in recent months, the nagging doubts over Andrew Strauss’s lack of runs have surely deepened. Since the start of 2010, Strauss has scored 1237 runs at a decidedly modest average of a tick over 30. Conventional wisdom suggests Strauss’s

“

Their tried and tested formula is four bowlers

”

spot is not in any immediate danger, but Willis acknowledges the concern over the skipper’s lean trot.

“Strauss made the mistake of retiring from ODI cricket after the last World Cup. He was batting well but said he wanted to concentrate on test cricket. And ever since, his form has been poor,” Willis says.

“There are concerns but they won’t drop him – the hallmark of this England regime is consistency in selection and we’ve seen other players have a lean spell but keep getting picked. Strauss is a very well-respected captain but if he goes through the whole summer without making runs, it becomes harder for him to lead the team to India.”

Before England head to India – but after they presumably dispatch the West Indies – there’s the small matter of the four-match series against South Africa, a contest that will determine which side is entitled to be regarded as the world’s best. The two sides have traditionally fought close

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England’s bowling attack: Jimmy Anderson

South Africa’s AB De Villiers and Hashim Amla

Photos: Getty

battles. Dating back to the start of 1998, the ledger is square between the two nations: nine Test wins each, two series wins each, two series drawn.

“The series against South Africa is basically a world champion decider,” Willis says.

“But I think England are in relatively good shape – the English batsmen prefer the ball coming on to the bat with a bit of pace so although South Africa have the likes of Dale Steyn, who’s the world’s leading bowler, I don’t think England will fear him. With Morkel and Philander, and now Tahir as the spinner, South Africa have a balanced attack but I think England will back themselves.”

Willis, like most, expects an epic series, one likely to be determined by how the Proteas’ top order adapt to the notoriously fickle English conditions.

“It will be a severe challenge,” Willis says. “And I think a lot will depend on whether the likes of Hashim Amla and AB de Villiers make runs and can handle that English seam attack. Graeme Smith has always done well over here and Jacques Kallis is very reliable but I’m not sure, the rest of the top order might find it more difficult. But I’m expecting a very tight series, probably decided by one result either way.”

So, with an English summer of cricket stretching out before him, Willis happily nominates the key men – those who hold their teams’ prospects in their palms.

“James Anderson is the leader of the English attack and if he performs as well as he has recently, England will be hard to beat,” he says. “From the other teams, it’s Chanderpaul for the West Indies and Jacques Kallis for South Africa. Those are the pivotal players, the ones who can get their teams out of a hole like proper five-day Test match players.”

Bob Willis was speaking ahead of England’s 1st Investec Test v the West Indies and an unrivalled summer of live cricket, with domestic, international and women’s matches live on Sky Sports HD

England’s Paul Collingwood

The ever reliable batsman: Jacques Kallis

WHO’S TOP DOG? THE SAFFAS HAVE A CLAIM The ICC rankings tell us that England are the number one Test side right now– certainly, wins against Australia and India in recent times mean that they are an excellent side.

But consider South Africa’s record over a slightly longer timeframe. In nearly six years, South Africa have lost just one series – that was, as it turns out, to Australia in 2009.

It is a remarkably constistent return that has been built on the backs of a settled line-up, which includes the evergreen Jacques Kallis, speedster Dale Steyn and the likes of AB de Villiers and Hashim Amla, who have more recently emerged as world-class players.

So while England should enjoy a confidence-boosting romp against the West Indies, the challenge posed by the South Africans will be far tougher. And, by the end of it, either way, we’ll know who’s number one.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Back to The Cinque Terre – Cheers the restored villages After the disastrous floods of last autumn Cinque Terre have a new birth. Stunning coastal path with beautiful Mediterranean flora, crystalline water and hided small beaches are waiting for you!

Trip Highlights: * The illustrious five villages of Monterosso, Vernazza, Corniglia, Manarola and Riomaggiore * Breathtaking views of the emerald blue Mediterranean Sea * Steep terraced hills of olive groves, vineyards and lemon trees * Outstandingly delicious sea food and the famous Trofie al Pesto * Fabulous beaches for swimming Duration: 5 days Price from: ÂŁ 274 Tripcode: ITSW015 Challenge: These walks, though not very long, are moderate to demanding because of the steep hills. Several walks can be shortened. Lodging: In both Monterosso and Bonassola we use comfortable 3 star hotels with a friendly family run atmosphere. All the rooms have private bathrooms, TV mini-bar and hair drier. A good continental breakfast is served each morning. Dinner is only included on the first night in Bonassola (drinks excluded). All the hotels are near to all amenities.

T +39 055 2345334 W www.s-cape.eu 56

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TRAVEL LATE DEALS | HOTSHOTS | TRAVEL TIPS | TOP FIVE | TOURS | BIG TRIP IMAGE OF THE WEEK

PRAYING FOR RAIN Villagers and farmers wait for a priest’s blessings during the ritual praying for rain at the Manda Festival in Ranchi, the capital of eastern India’s Jharkhand state.

Photos: Getty, britainonview.com, Thinkstock, rocroi.com

INSIDE

GOING COASTAL /60

ISLAND LIFE /70

CATALAN PYRENEES /76

You don’t need to leave the United Kingdom to enjoy a great beach break this summer.

Honest, we promise!

Italy’s fashion capital is best known as the place to strike a pose. But artsy district Isola offers a less airbrushed alternative in Milan.

There’s no need to feel guilty for indulging in Catalan cuisine if you chase some action in the Pyrenees afterwards. We test that theory.

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TRAVELDIARY Laura Chubb

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The beasts of burden get to be pretty for a day

ACTING TRAVEL EDITOR

BEER MONSTER Talk of American beer is peppered with snorts of derision and a pervading air of superiority on this side of the Atlantic. But the assumption that the Yanks are all blindly slugging back Budweiser is about as accurate as the idea that Aussies love nothing better than chugging a chilled Foster’s.

PULILAN CARABAO FESTIVAL Philippines You ain’t never seen a water buffalo look as pretty as they do at this annual festival in Pulilan. The beasts of burden get all dolled up to 14-15 parade the city’s streets. Filipino families give their buffaloes a couple of days of well-deserved pampering, cleaning the mud off them, trimming their hair, and massaging them with aromatic oil.

MAY

WHY: Principally, the festival honours Filipino patron saint San Isidro Labrador, and gives thanks to him for the harvest. But festivalgoers also take their animals to a priest to be blessed, ensuring the buffaloes’ good health for the next year – and therefore, not incidentally, theirs.

MIKE’S FESTIVAL 2012 Fruita, Colorado

Dedicated to Mike the Headless Wonder Chicken 18-19 – a chicken that lived without a head for 18 months owing to a peculiar set of circumstances set in motion in Fruita in 1945 – this festival promises chicken games, a ‘run like a headless chicken’ race, and, er, chicken.

MAY

miketheheadlesschicken.org

CZECH BEER FESTIVAL

bulacan.gov.ph

GUBBIO CANDLE RACE

Gubbio, Italy

Just to make things that little bit more interesting, 15 the people of Gubbio shun the standard model for a street race and challenge teams to run around town with a massive 3ft, half-tonne torch. This curious tradition has been going since 1242.

MAY

italianvisits.com/umbria/gubbio/index.htm

EUROPA FEST

Prague, Czech Republic

Bucharest, Romania

Most people go to Prague for the beer anyway, so 17 why not go when there are masses of marquees serving up the stuff to thirsty punters? Around 70 beers will be yours to sample, all from Czech breweries, attracting 10,000 visitors.

This music festival obviously didn’t want to limit itself, 19 so has plumped for four genres: jazz, blues, pop and classical.

There are concerts, workshops, masterclasses and jam sessions, and a huge gala on the last day.

MAY

praguewelcome.cz/en

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DO IT BECAUSE: The parades are incredibly colourful, seeing as the buffaloes are treated to a thorough makeover. With crowns on their heads and their bodies painted with elaborate decorations, the whole town becomes the buffaloes’ catwalk.

UNTIL MAY

jmevents.ro

Photos: Getty

Ignorance around American beer was probably best summed up by Adele’s recent tour rider, which surfaced late last year.

The Tottenham diva’s delicate palette was revealed in her request for “bottles of the best quality European lager”, with the stipulation that “North American beer is NOT acceptable”.

This was particularly hilarious in light of what constituted “best quality” Euro lager in Adele’s mind – Beck’s and Stella Artois. Further insight into her advanced taste buds came in the form of her rules around wine: “Best quality red wine (Italian, French, Spanish or Australian).” Why, she’s practically a sommelier.

Far from the image of crowds of Coors Light drinkers, craft beer is huge Stateside, something I first noticed in Brooklyn, New York.

Here, practically every bar has microbrews on tap, and you couldn’t order a Bud even if you didn’t fear the reaction of the handlebarmoustached hipster serving.

Why am I ranting about this? I’ve just returned from sunny San Diego, which has one of the richest craft beer scenes in the country. In the three days I was there, I managed to try 13 varieties – the teeniest tip of the most titanic iceberg.

Beer tourism is mostly focused on the more traditional likes of Belgium and Germany, but there’s something more experimental – in true US style, something that bit cooler – going on in California and beyond. God bless America.

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OLDEST BACKPACKER An Aussie nonagenarian is believed to be the world’s oldest backpacker. Keith Wright, a 95-yearold from Burleigh Heads, Queensland, embarked on his first solo trip at the ripe young age of 85 – a four-day bus loop through Turkey. Since then, Wright has favoured shoestring travel and hostel stays, and is about to take a rail journey around Europe for two months. Discovered by Round The World Experts – with whom Wright tends to book his trips – the silver nomad explained: “I have seen things that most tourists haven’t seen, because I walk the back streets and take trains or buses to nearby towns for the day.” Preaching to the choir here, grandpa.

Photos: AAP

EXTREME GREEN An ‘eco-room’ at a New Forest B&B has taken its green scheme to extremes, going so far as to include a bicycle-powered TV. Made out of recycled parts, the bike uses pedal power to charge the set. Those looking for a little R&R will have to earn their screen time with some sweat. Although owner Christina Simons points out that salad-dodgers (our words, not hers) can always rely on the photovoltaic cells on the roof to generate power. Also, the bed in the room at Cottage Lodge (cottagelodge.co.uk) has been carved from a single beech tree.

WORST ADVERT EVER A photograph of Madeleine McCann – the British girl abducted from a resort in the Algarve in 2007 – has been used to advertise holidays in Portugal. An image of the three-year-old accompanied travel deals offered by lowcostholidays.com on the website VoucherDigg. The CEO at lowcostholidays.com told the BBC that there was no contract with VoucherDigg to promote its deals and that the company was seeking to have the picture removed. The VoucherDigg website has reportedly now been closed down.

COST OF CLUBBING Would you pay £20.43 for a club sandwich?

Much as we love the chicken, bacon, egg, lettuce and mayo combo, we’d struggle to cough up what is apparently the average price of the concoction in a Paris hotel. A new survey into the classic room service staple by hotels.com found that Paris is the most expensive city in which to order a club, where it can cost as much as £33.44 in a five-star establishment. (That had better be a damn impressive sarnie.) The cheapest place to order it was New Delhi, where the average cost was £5.91. M&S, all is forgiven.

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Durdle Door: a great photo opportunity on the Jurassic Coast

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Brighton’s pebble beach and pier 60

Top to bottom: Lunan Bay; Dover; Marloes Sands; Portstewart Strand

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UKTRIP

Going coastal You don’t need to leave the United Kingdom to enjoy a great beach break this summer. Honest!

WORDS LAURA CHUBB

The UK isn’t often touted as a sun and sea destination. But while the sky might often bear a striking resemblance to a damp, greying dishcloth, when the sun does make a cameo, there’s only one place to be. And that’s beside the seaside.

Believe it or not, the UK boasts some brilliant stretches of coast, from tacky wonderlands such as Blackpool and Skegness, to the more picturesque. But don’t just take our word for it – we’ve picked a few of our favourite seaside spots for travellers of every persuasion to take their bucket and spade this summer, so check them out for yourself.

Photos: Visit Wales, Getty, VisitScotland/ScottishViewpoint, David Cordner / Northern Ireland Tourist Board

Lunan Bay, Scotland BEST FOR Surfing with a view WHY On the country’s east coast, this dramatic two-mile stretch of broad beach is backed by rolling dunes and low red cliffs. Adding to this high drama are the crumbling remains of the Red Castle, built in the 1100s, which looms regally over the scene. Lunan Bay is ever-popular with surfers for its shifting beach break peaks, but not so wellknown to get crowded. undiscoveredscotland.co.uk; visitscotland.co.uk Durdle Door, Dorset BEST FOR The money shot WHY One of the most impressive landmarks on the Jurassic Coast – England’s first natural world heritage site – this high rock arch poking out into the water was formed by the sea punching clean through it. A sweeping beach in its shadow is the perfect place to soak up the sight and catch some rays.

Keep your eyes on TNT over summer for more on the Jurassic Coast – 95 miles of incredible coastline carved from 185 million years of the Earth’s history. worldheritagecoast.net Portstewart Strand, Northern Ireland BEST FOR Clean craic WHY On Northern Ireland’s wild and windswept Causeway Coast, this pristine beach has been allocated Seaside Award status for its cleanliness and water quality. After a dip in the invigorating North Atlantic, continue your clean-living with walks along the area’s various nature trails, which give great views of the north coast. Then nip over to neighbouring

Portrush for a gander at the sea-sculpted shapes in the limestone cliffs of White Rocks beach. discovernorthernireland.com Brighton, East Sussex BEST FOR Party time WHY The pebble beach might not be the perfect place to stretch out and sunbathe, but who wants to sleep in this city? Get your funfair fix at the pier with rickety rides, gaudy arcades and fluff-clouds of candyfloss, then lubricate the evening at Brighton’s myriad beachfront bars. Stay surfside at Digital, a club under the Kings Road Arches looking out to sea, and playing obscenely danceable tunes from Deadmau5 to Friendly Fires. Those that really like to hang loose can check out the nudist beach a mile east of Brighton Pier. visitbrighton.com; yourfutureisdigital.com/brighton Marloes Sands, Wales BEST FOR Wildlife-watching WHY This rugged and remote beach in Pembrokeshire is not only a gem for its acres of unpeopled space, but take a turn around the Marloes Peninusla and you can spot seals and even porpoises. A short boat trip to Skomer Island across the water brings you face-to-face with crowds of puffins. Reefs and wrecks in this area also make it a great break for divers. visitwales.co.uk Dover, Kent BEST FOR An essential sight WHY Dover’s seaside is an iconic idyll. The famous white chalk cliffs put Britain’s best face forward – handy, seeing as its long been considered the country’s front line – and bracing walks and bike rides along the clifftops give arresting sea views. The town itself does little to raise itself above the ranks of shithole, but UK alt. Olympics: it’s the unspoilt beauty Toe-wrestling and surrounding Dover that shin-kicking recommends it. whitecliffscountry.org.uk

NEXT WEEK

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LATEDEALS

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BARCELONA A two-night trip is £170pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes four-star, B&B accommodation and return flights from London Gatwick. Departs May 22.

RHODES Seven nights is £229pp with cheapflights.co.uk. Includes allinclusive accommodation and return flights from London. Valid for travel on selected dates throughout May 2012.

EGYPT A nine-day tour from Cairo to Dahab is £196pp (was £245pp) with Topdeck (0845 2575212; topdeck. travel). Includes accommodation and sightseeing. Excludes flights and local payment. Departs June 23.

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Nepal | Tibet | Bhutan

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HOTSHOTS

RUTH ROXANNE BOARD Talks travel photography

WINNER

HOT TIPS: Abstract Creating abstract images leaves you wide open for ingenuity in even the most mundane of locations. Take a straight shot, then change the angle and focus to see how this transforms your chosen subject into an array of shapes, patterns and colours. Study objects and pretend you are a child seeing them for the first time. Get

in close and notice any interesting variations. In this instance, a macro lens could come in handy, but you don’t need lots of fancy equipment – all that is required is a camera, your eyes and intuition. There are no straight rules for abstract photography. Just remember: be creative and nurture your photographer’s eye!

RUNNER-UP

WINNER DANCING DUGOUTS Jonny Newton, UK

WHY IT WORKS The children gather in their hollowed-tree-trunk boats on the softly undulating water. The random nature of the vessel’s position gives the impression that the boys are not necessarily in control of their direction. The simplicity of the earthy boats creating ripples on the water surface brings to mind leaves floating in a pond, but in this case, that pond is the immense Lake Malawi.

RUNNER-UP DESECENDING MIST Steve Barrell, Whangarei, New Zealand

WHY IT WORKS The mist in this image is so dense that it hides the background completely, leaving the viewer with little clue on the location.

The low cloud diffuses the sunlight to a point where it is also hard to estimate the time of day. The tumble-down stones, stoic in their presence, are submerged in a murky, ancient world. This is infact the outside of a nightclub in Gothenburg, Sweden, and not the ruins of a bygone age.

A THREE-DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com).

Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

WIN

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UK QUIRKY CAMPING

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THE BEER MOTH, SCOTLAND

Ever since glamping became a buzz phrase, yurts and tipis have been all the rage. But we’d wager that not even the most pimped-out yurt could compete with the chaotic creativity of The Beer Moth, a converted 1956 fire truck.

Parked up on the sprawling Inshriach Estate in Aviemore, Scotland, it is the bemusing brainchild of Walter Micklethwait. Wild-smiled Walter is the kind of man who just can’t stop building things – he also rents out a homemade bothy and yurt on his land; his farmyard is scattered with the props he creates for film and TV (skulls, signposts, a huge hamster wheel); and there are cars from every era parked on the few spare patches of space (it took him eight years to build the MG from scratch).

The Beer Moth has been a labour of love. Walter liberated it from the Manston Fire Museum in Kent and it took four days – and a catastrophic petrol bill – to drive it home to the Cairngorms on b-roads.

Once installed at the estate, Walter set about constructing his masterpiece.

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The back of the truck is now a characterful living space assembled from an eclectic assortment of odds and ends – underfoot, you’ll find an oak parquet floor pilfered from an old Tudor mansion, and a discarded fire escape forms the staircase.

Thanks to the wood-burner, you should feel comfortably cosy in the Victorian double bed with brass knobs, even though the back wall was once part of the doghouse.

If you should wish to get out of the truck for a breath of fresh air (though if you do, you’ll probably just spend the whole time taking endless pictures of your bizarre homestead), there’s loads to do around Aviemore. Walter will probably coax you into a few ales down the Old Bridge Inn – a great pub with fab food and local live music – and one of the UK’s top 10 cake shops is right next door. Then there’s the river tubing, rafting, mountain biking, zip lining and gorge walking in the surrounding Cairngorms National Park.

It ain’t our number one for nothing. canopyandstars.co.uk; from £60pn

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THE HOBBIT, WALES

Ever fancied sleeping in a wooden cylinder? Who hasn’t! The hobbits at The Willows campsite in Abersoch, Wales, are 16ft-long, fully insulated pine-panelled tubes.

It kinda feels like sleeping in a hollowed-out tree trunk – if that tree trunk had plug sockets, electric lighting and a kettle. Owing to the flammable nature of this abode, there’s no cooking permitted inside, but you get a barbecue with your plot. Sorted. the-willows-abersoch.co.uk; from £68pn

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GYPSY CARAVAN, SOMERSET

Gypsy caravans look super-cool anyway, but this one comes with a slice of quaint English history. It featured in the Seventies TV series Enid Blyton’s Famous Five, then was left derelict in a bramble patch until Martyn Harris got his hands on it and fixed it up.

Now sitting pretty on a cider apple orchard in rural Pitney, Martyn supplies you with eggs, sausages and a jug of local farmhouse cider to get started, and then you’re on your own. Enjoy! gypsycaravanbreaks.co.uk; two nights £150

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THE GEO, BODMIN MOOR

Rustic-chic

The Geo is the slick sophisticate of glamping. The futuristic white dome has a private kitchen and bathroom tacked on, and decking out front for sunbathing. Inside is sleek and modern, with double bed, beanbags, and windows at the foot of the bed that look out over the moor.

If you can tear yourself away from this pod of perfection, remember you’re in Cornwall – which means mountainclimbing and surfing aplenty. canopyandstars.co.uk; from £95pn

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THE ROUNDHOUSE, PENZANCE

When it comes to eccentric historic buildings, castles and windmills are so last season. Snuggle up instead in this Iron Age Roundhouse, with stone walls and conical thatched roof.

Squirrel yourself away in this romantic bolthole, with four-poster bed, and feel like you’ve escaped to a different time entirely. There’s even a hammock strung up in there if you fancy varying the locations for canoodling. The Roundhouse is also close to great surf and moors if you want to get outdoors.

CASA DO LAVRADOR OVERVIEW Furnazinhas is a tiny village high in the hills of the Algarve. It couldn’t be any different from the region’s myriad beach resorts. The average age of residents must be about 90 – weathered folk who sit weaving baskets in the shade of their doorways and are dressed from headto-toe in wool despite the searing heat. Staying in this rustic-chic B&B is about as refreshing as it gets, and it’s smack-bang at the beginning of a section of the Via Algarviana hiking trail.

WOW FACTOR Everything here is brand-new and modern, while retaining a strong sense of the traditional country house.

The breakfast spread put on by owner Judith is an orgy of homemade bread, cheeses and jams – exceptional.

ROOMS The split-level rooms are huge, with stone walls, lots of snuggy blankets, wood-burner and ensuite.

BILL PLEASE An absolute steal at £26pn, B&B.

Furnazinhas casadolavrador@sapo.pt Fly direct from London Gatwick or London Luton to Faro from £36.99 one-way with Monarch (monarch.co.uk)

canopyandstars.co.uk; from £160pn

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READERS’ TIPS

YOU ASKED FOR IT...

LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

want to take my girlfriend to Paris Q Ibut I’m worried it’s too expensive.

I know it is possible to find cheap tickets on the Eurostar, but will I be able to find accommodation for less than £50 a night per person? Nick, via email

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the Olympic Park – is there any other way I can check out the new facilities?

Paul, via email is not lost, but you will have to be quick.

A All One million unsuccessful applicants for Olympics tickets are eligible to apply for another ballot to secure tickets for a number of events from May 13-17 (this week!).

Each day a ballot will be held for a number of sports – for full listings of which sports are balloted on each of these days visit tickets. london2012.com. If you are not one of the million eligible to reapply, never fear, the remaining unsold tickets will be available to the general public on May 23.

Also available in the ballot this week are presale Olympic Park tickets for those visitors who are keen to be part of the atmosphere but have not secured a ticket to a specific event.

Olympic Park day passes will be charged at £10 for adults and will allow visitors to watch the events on big screens in the park. They do not include access to the venues themselves.

These will be available to the general public to purchase from May 23.

Furthermore, the remaining 1.5 million unsold Paralympic tickets will be available to the general public to purchase from May 21 and as demand is lower, you should stand a good chance of getting some tickets for these events.

Good luck!

TAXI TRICK At Lisbon airport, avoid the taxis at arrivals and go for the ones in the departures area. You won’t wait and you will probably get a nicer cabbie.

Also, boutique B&B The House is amazing and it only costs about £12 to get there from the airport by taxi (if you follow my advice!).

Alex McFarlane, via Facebook

A LONELY PLANET GUIDE

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If your question is answered, you’ll win a Lonely Planet guide of your choice.

This is a reader forum — TNT and Lonely Planet accepts no responsibility for any loss, injury or inconvenience sustained by anyone using the information provided.

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think you’re the first boyfriend A Itodon’t have this dilemma but not to worry, accommodation in Paris for under £100 a night for a double room is possible! And what’s more, it doesn’t have to be in a rundown hotel that will make your girlfriend think you’ve scrimped on her romantic weekend away.

Going self-catering can reduce the cost of your trip further if you utilise local supermarkets and eat some meals in the apartment. Adagio (adagio-city.com) offer a range of apartments.

The Adagio Access Paris Tour Eiffel block is a 15minute walk from the banks of the Seine and the Eiffel tower, and costs £93.50 per night for two people. Alternatively, rent an apartment directly from the owner on popular website airbnb.com, where there’s a huge range of quirky flats to let in the city for a range of budgets.

If you would prefer to stay in a hotel, the Hotel Ecole Centrale (paris-marais-hotel.fr) is great value, offering weekend package deals for £70 for two people including breakfast. It’s just a short walk from the popular Marais area. An even cheaper option is the Plug-Inn hostel, which offers double rooms at under £50 a night and is located in the quirky district of Montmartre, home to some of the city’s best nightlife.

out on Olympics tickets and Q Iammissed gutted I’m not going to get to see

WET TOWEL CONUNDRUM TIP Re: what to do with wet OF THE towels when travelling WEEK (TNT 1497). Give it a quick dry under the hand dryer in the bathroom, or with your hair dryer.

If it’s still damp, leave it on the outside of your backpack while waiting for transport. Also, use a sarong as a towel on your last day at a hostel so that it will dry quicker.

Kay Buck, via email

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WHERE IN THE WORLD?

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A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

Been somewhere good lately?

Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world.

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PORT D’ALCUDIA, MAJORCA Daniel Fyfe from Australia

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

TOM MAW, 27

CHRIS BAILEY, 29

Nelson, New Zealand

London, England

BEST Skiing in Tyrol, Austria. Great snow and scenery, and plenty of opportunities to get off the tourist track.

Oktoberfest was awesome, too – the atmosphere is just so amazing.

Most memorable travel experience?

I went to France last year when the London Broncos had a week off and my wife went into labour six weeks early, so we ended up having our daughter Ava in Normandie. Not a bad souvenir!

Scariest travel experience?

Not being able to speak much French and the doctors speaking limited English made the birth very interesting ...

Top travel tip?

Always buy travel insurance.

WORST I honestly can’t think of one. I was shouted at by an old, drunk man in Ireland once. He then started following me down the street for no real reason – but I still loved the country! » Tell us your best/worst trips, email laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

Photos: TNT, Thinkstock, Getty

SPLASHING OUT

WILD BORNEO Trek deep into Borneo’s jungle with the aboriginal Penan tribe, swing by Sabah to see the orangutans, and finish up with some well-earned rest at the beach.

The new 18-day tour costs £2695pp with Bamboo Travel. Price includes international and domestic flights, accommodation, some meals and tours.

bambootravel.co.uk

THE INSIDER

KARIM HARDANE Managing director Wimdu UK

My first big trip was when I came to Europe. I rented a car with two friends, started off in Paris, went to Cologne for the carnival, then Prague, passed by Berlin, up to Amsterdam and then back to Paris. A great introduction!

My most challenging travel experience was four gringos, a VW van and a 6000km road trip in Brazil. We got robbed three times, got lost in the woods, the window of the van got broken but it was the best travel experience I am likely to have for quite some time.

My favourite place in the world is Caraiva, a happy-hippy place on the Brazilian coast. No motorised transport, just an amazing beach and delicious mango.

The next trip on my travel wishlist is Namibia. I saw some friends’ pictures and the scenery is fascinating.

My guilty travel pleasure is tasting the different menu they have in McDonald’s for each country.

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Isola prides itself on being outside of Milan’s fast lane

Milan ITALY

SWITZERLAND

Milan

ITALY Genoa Florence

GETTING GETTING THERE THERE Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Return flights from London to Milan start around £60 with easyJet (easyjet.com).

In vogue: the creative district is cooler than the rest of the shopping-mad city [Caption] 70

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Island life Italy’s fashion capital is best known as the place to strike a pose.

But artsy district Isola offers a less airbrushed alternative WORDS ROBERTO PRIOLO

A woman in a floral skirt and slippers is diligently sweeping the entrance hall of an elegant building overlooking Via Borsieri. As I walk past, trying to catch a glimpse of the lush inner yard, she grunts a dispirited “buongiorno”, staring at me with an expression conveying both curiosity and reproach. Perhaps it’s my insistent lurking putting her off.

You don’t expect people to stare in Milan, a city that is in general too busy to care (unless you’re not complying with its strict fashion imperatives). But I’m in Isola, a former workingclass neighbourhood that seems to struggle to keep up with the pace of change ahead of Milan’s upcoming international fair, Expo 2015.

Isola looks like a quiet town rather than a district in Italy’s second-largest and most happening city. The name, Italian for “island”, refers to the farms, locally known as isole, that used to dot this territory. However, the Milanese like to think it refers to the geographical isolation that this neighbourhood, cut off from the rest of the city by train tracks on one side and a flyover on the other, has always enjoyed.

It’s a unique place, where people still shop at the baker’s and the butcher’s and where everybody is on first-name terms. But it’s also Milan’s new up-and-coming neighbourhood, currently at the heart of the most ambitious project of urban renewal the city has seen in decades.

Fashion boutiques, bistros and wine bars are opening everywhere in Isola, and just south of the neighbourhood several steel-and-glass skyscrapers and residential developments are being built. The magnificent silhouettes of the Palazzo Lombardia, the new seat of the regional government, and the Torre Hines, Italy’s tallest building, are already iconic presences in Milan’s skyline.

As I stroll down streets lined by hundreds of parked cars – it typically takes hours and a lot of swearing to find a spot – I walk past Art Nouveau buildings, former council houses (with pretty inner yards surrounded on each floor by balconies with railings), graffiti and a surprising number of shops where artisans have worked for decades.

Isola is a neighbourhood of people who make things.

Taking greedy drags from a cigarette, a Sicilian carpenter who moved here in the late Fifties shows me his workshop, a messy room that smells like sawdust and is filled with old chairs and cupboards. Next door, a young man is lifting the shutters of a store where old lutes and mandolins are fixed.

Unaware of the difference between the two instruments, I ask him about his job, but his laconic answers sound to me like a polite invite to let him go on with his work.

But still, in a city where furniture is inexorably linked with expensive designer brands, seeing authentic old botteghe like these is a rare treat.

In Via Thaon di Revel, at number 21, past the beautiful church of Santa Maria della Fontana, I stumble upon a relic of Isola’s long tradition of handicraft. The Fonderia

“

It’s a place of people who make things

”

Napoleonica Eugenia is a mid-1800s foundry, and I manage to sneak in thanks to a complacent worker who is fixing the ›› front gate. I find myself in a red-brick building full of

Artisan: dusty workshops are common TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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busts and bell templates and with a large hook hanging from the ceiling. The main door of Milan’s Duomo was built here, together with the equestrian statue of Vittorio Emanuele II that faces the cathedral. Nowadays, the space is host to concerts and art exhibits.

The stark contrast between the old feel of Isola and the shiny modern buildings around it is even more evident as I walk up the Cavalcavia Bussa, a flyover near the southern tip of Via Borsieri. Before sunset, I meet my friend Flavio for an aperitif. He’s one of the many young professionals who flocked to gentrifying Isola attracted by a soon-to-open new underground station and the plethora of hip new bars, eateries and boutiques appearing at every corner.

Sipping a mojito, I look at the skyscraper appearing at the end of tree-lined Via Borsieri. For a second I think about the nosy woman staring at me and the rather introverted character of the area’s residents and shopkeepers. Their neighbourhood is changing – they should prepare themselves for many more curious passersby in the future. ❚ More on the foundry at fonderianapoleonica.it More on Milan at turismo.provincia.milano.it

Old and new: skyscrapers are cropping up

NEXT WEEK Finland: Staying up all night in the Land of the Midnight Sun

MIDRANGE

LUXURY

EAT

At Omelette & Baguette, the name really says it all. This recently opened cute bistro, with wooden chairs and large windows overlooking a quiet street, serves delicious omelettes and sandwiches. Leave happy and full for as little as a fiver. (Via Pollaiuolo 9, tel. 00 39 02 6884687)

Factory workers used to dine at Trattoria da Tomaso. The family-run trattoria (mandatory booking for dinner) offers a range of simple and tasty Lombard recipes, in a rustic, nofrills setting. Places like this are hard to find in Milan. Full meals for just over a tenner. (trattoriadatomaso.it)

Glamorous SkyLine, open for dinner, is located on the 11th floor of the Atahotel in fashionable Corso Como, with clubs and bars galore. Enjoy gorgeous views of the skyscrapers around Isola while tasting traditional recipes. Don’t miss the ossobuco, Milan’s signature dish. Expect to spend around £30.

DRINK

From 6pm, join locals for happy hour at Nord Est. Bartenders prepare great cocktails, and you can sit out on the patio on warm summer nights. Beers from about £2. (nordestcaffe.it)

A trendy cocktail bar-cum-ecofashion-store, with an entrance covered in graffiti, Frida attracts a young crowd that fills the garden every evening. Try delicious local beer Menabrea, or a cocktail with absinthe. Beers start at £2.40 and cocktails from £4 during happy hour (until 9pm). (fridaisola.it)

It doesn’t get much better than this for music lovers. Renowned jazz club Blue Note is the only European affiliate of the New York institution, and offers live shows every day of the week, plus a great selection of cocktails. Beers start at £5.60; cocktails from £8. (bluenotemilano.com)

SLEEP

With simple double rooms with shared facilities starting at about £26pppn, Pop House is an ideal solution for budget travellers. Easy access to Isola and other areas of the city. (pophouse-milano.com)

To live like a local, book at Apartments Isola, a series of elegantly decorated and cosy apartments in the heart of the district on Via Pastrengo. Apartments for two people start at £65pn. Breakfast is available for an additional £12 per head. Two nights minimum stay. (isolapartments.com)

Even if you are in Milan to enjoy artsy and alternative Isola, there’s no reason you shouldn’t indulge. At high-end hotel Maison Moschino, luxury knows no bounds, with rooms (starting at £138pn, with suites at £309pn) boasting sublime, fairytaleinspired designs. (maisonmoschino.com)

Photos: Thinkstock, Roberto Priolo, Medioimages/Photodisc, Getty

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BUDGET

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TRAVELWEEKENDER

Full of beans This is Bogotá in 48 hours WORDS HEATHER RISKE

DAY 1: 10:00 Bogotá is the type of city that demands quality time, in order to get to know it. And the best way to do that is to wander. To start discovering Bogotá, head straight to the Plaza de Bolivar, the main square located in the heart of the city’s historical area. Here, you’ll catch a glimpse of the statue of famous South American revolutionary Simon Bolivar, who played a key part in achieving independence from the Spanish Empire.

10:15 The square is also home to several historical buildings and monuments, such as the Capitolio Nacional (Carrera 8), where the houses of Colombia’s Congress are located.

Check out the fresco-style mural of Bolivar painted by Santiago Martínez Delgado, considered one of the most important paintings in the country.

11:00 Stroll over to the Catedral Primada de Colombia (catedraldeBogotá.org), a Roman Catholic cathedral built in 1807 on the foundation of Bogotá’s first church. Check out the 17th- and 18th-century paintings and carvings, as well as the tomb of the founder of Bogotá, Gonzalo Jiménez de Quesada.

12:00 Grab lunch and a cold one at Hamburguesas El Corral (Carrera 2; elcorral.com), known for its Gaucho (or South American cowboy) burgers. Don’t be dissuaded if it looks like fast food – we have it on good authority that these are the best burgers in town.

14:00 The historic La Candelaria neighbourhood is just a few blocks down from the square. It’s one of the best-kept examples of colonial architecture in Latin America, so spend some time here, meandering and taking in the 16th-century terracotta homes and baroque churches.

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14:30 Rain is quite frequent in Bogotá, so if you need to find refuge, head to the nearby cluster of museums. Start at the Museo Botero (Calle 11 #4-41), a colonial-era house once belonging to Fernando Botero, Colombia’s most famous artist. There are more than 100 of his own abstract works along with a number of Dalís, Renoirs and Picassos.

15:30 Make your way over to Quinta de Bolívar (Calle 20 #2-91; quintadebolivar.gov.co), a house formerly owned

by Simon Bolivar. You’ll find an impressive collection of his personal belongings from the 19th century.

17:00 Then head to the Museo del Oro (Calle 16 #5-41) which displays an extraordinary 55,000-piece pre-Hispanic gold collection including masks, earrings, crowns and ceremonial vessels dating back more than 2000 years.

19:00 After all that sightseeing, you’ll need to refuel. For an unforgettable dining experience, head to Andrés Carne De Res (andrescarnederes.com). Located in the little village of Chia, about 20 miles from the city, its acres of dining area are decorated with antiques and Christmas candles, and you might just get dinner delivered to you by a brass band.

Thousands of Colombians rock up here to eat, drink and dance, so a not-to-be-forgotten atmosphere is guaranteed.

If you don’t fancy heading all the way to Chia, there is a second, not-quite-so-raucous branch in Bogotá, Andrés DC (andrescarnederes.com). Still expect an all-night party.

DAY 2: 11:00 Kick off your day with Colombia’s famous coffee at the Juan Valdez Cafe inside the Centro Cultural Gabriel García Márquez. It features waterfalls, an art gallery and an enormous library.

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Photos: Thinkstock, Getty

Bright and beautiful: La Candaleria is a must-stroll

12:00 Take things at a slower pace today, and stroll around the Independence Park (Calle 26), Bogotá’s oldest and most traditional park, and take in the eucalyptus forests and neo-classical architecture. Bike tours are also available if you’re feeling adventurous.

14:00 For an intimate lunch, head to Tapas Macarena (Carrera 4A #26-01) for traditional Colombian food – patatas bravas, carpaccio with blue cheese and sangria.

It’s a cosy little restaurant with only five tables.

15:00 Now that you’re recharged, hike up to Monserrate, a mountain located right in the city and towering 3152m over the sea. It’s frequently visited by pilgrims heading to the 17th-century church perched on top, but it’s also a great place for some amazing views of the city. If you don’t feel like slogging it to the top, the Teleférico de Monserrate cable car (cerromonserrate.com) can get you there in minutes for about £5.

19:00 Start your evening with a visit to Restaurante Club Colombia (Avenida 82 #9-11), a chic eatery serving Colombian food with a modern twist. Savour empanadas Bogatánas (stuffed pastry), ajíaco (beef, veg and chilli) soup and platanos maduros (fried sweet plantains).

21:00 End the night at Punto G (Calle 94 #11-46), a crossover club with live reggae and salsa. It’s only right to bid Bogotá goodbye while dancing.

Return tickets from London Heathrow to Bogotá, via Sao Paulo, start around £730 with TAM tam.com.br colombia.travel More on Bogotá at

Triple whammy: the cathedral, Bolivar and Monserrate

Go native: performers on the streets of Bogotá TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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FRANCE

Catalan Pyrenees SPAIN

Catalan Pyrenees

Sort

SPAIN

GETTING THERE Return flights from London Southend to Barcelona start at about ÂŁ66 with easyJet (easyjet.com). Sort is then a threehour drive away.

Barcelona

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BIGTRIP

River deep, mountain high There’s no need to feel guilty for indulging in Catalan cuisine if you chase some action in the Pyrenees afterwards. We test that theory WORDS TOM STURROCK

WHEN TO GO: The Pyrenees Up and under are great any time of year, but The giant woman comes into view as we if you want to get involved in On another day, away from the jolly Germans follow the road out of Sort, wending our watersports, the summer months and the banks of the Noguera Pallaresa, way alongside the Noguera Pallaresa river. are best, with the season running I find myself following a worn path through She is not some fabled Catalan ogre, but from now until mid-October. the scrub, high into the Pyrenees, where rather a landmark amid the surrounding the air is thinnest and the sun brightest.

Pyrenees, a rock formation that bears CURRENCY: £1 = ¤1.22 It’s where our canyoning expedition is to a striking resemblance to a sleeping woman ACCOMMODATION: The begin, led by Marc, a climbing junkie in his in profile. In these parts, it is near impossible Hotel Les Brasas in Sort is a threemid-twenties. He follows the peak seasons to take a road trip with a local without star surrounded by the Pyrenees. around the world and it’s easy to imagine having her pointed out several times.

Great views, clean rooms and an him scaling anything and everything he Despite suffering from what I can only excellent breakfast make it a good happens upon. assume is a touch of altitude sickness – not choice for the budget traveller.

Canyoning is a combination of climbing, a hangover – I’m looking forward to a Rooms from £19pn. morning’s rafting through this immaculate SEE: pyreneestourism.com.au; abseiling and caving – crevices in this part of the Pyrenees are made for it. The hills are full countryside, lush and mountainous, which the catalanculture.com. of nooks and crannies, concealed spaces used river cuts through like a freeway. It reminds as hideouts during the Spanish Civil War. We me of the best parts of Wales or the Lake follow the top of the ridge for a short while District, but with better weather and much before arriving at the top of the ravine that zigzags all the less mud. way back down to the river below, where we suit up and pull My unlikely crewmates are a bunch of fifty-something on our waterproof boots.

Germans on a motorbike odyssey through Catalonia. Rolf, The descent begins with some basic abseiling, Marc Jens and Peter are all well-educated, scrupulously polite and standing at the top of the small cliff, holding the rope fast. able to speak perfect English. But then there’s Klaus – an We attach our carabiners and one-by-one disappear down enormous Bavarian lump of a man – he must be 6’5” and the smooth, steep rockface before landing with a splash in 140kg, all of it straining against his XXL black wetsuit. the waist-deep water that laps quietly below.

From a bank deep in the shade, we push our raft into Navigating this snaking waterslide, worn by nature the rocky shallows, clamber aboard and drift toward the into the rocks, can be tricky. The ground, like wet marble, other bank, bathed in sunshine. The undergrowth unfolds becomes slippery underfoot and the deeper we go, the more upward on either side of the river like a green felt baize narrow the space overhead. But after jumping off the edge tacked across the horizon. Klaus takes the berth on the other of a small waterfall, we land in a pool, where the ravine side of the raft, directly opposite me. His side groans and intermittently flares out, allowing the sun’s light to flood in. sinks noticeably under his massive bulk. The other Germans In other parts, the rock has eroded away, leaving tight chutes guffaw uncontrollably. The man runs on heavy fuel. to slide through. The rope offers support at first, but the Before long, we are under way, drifting along peacefully, running water carries us the rest of the way down. passing beneath rocky outcrops. Then, round the bend, the After a couple of hours of small rises and exhilarating first set of rapids yawns up at us. Our guide, Jaime, sitting plunges, we come to the highlight. At the end of a craggy at the top of the boat, expertly turns us, steering sideways precipice, the rocks open up, allowing entry to one of between two sharp rocks and into the swirling waters, the mountain caves and a lagoon, with water as clear where, as we bounce through, a vast spray of foam catches as glass, about 30ft below. Over the edge we go, spidering us all flush on our faces. “Buenos dias,” Jaime laughs from ›› down the cave walls and into the shadowy depths. his end of the boat. “Good morning.”

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And ... action! Go canyoning and riding rapids It’s a full morning’s work, exploring this maze of sweeping rocks and unspoiled underground springs, before we emerge into the light, arriving once more on the banks of the Noguera Pallaresa.

Foodie finds Although Sort is the capital of Pallars Sobira, a mountainous comarca – like a county – of Catalonia, it is more like a village, with an official population of just over 2000. It is also home to a curious local legend. In Catalan, Sort literally translates to “luck” and one local shop – La Bruixa d’Or, meaning The Gold Witch – that sells lottery tickets has cultivated a bizarre kind of fame, attracting customers from all over the world by claiming it is disproportionately lucky.

Those who come to the region hoping to buy a winning ticket may leave disappointed, but visitors lured by the promise of delicious food and drink are more likely to be satisfied. Sort’s main street swells with sidewalk tapas bars, their tables overflowing with diners late into the summer nights, while the kitchen at the nearby Hotel Pessets is renowned for its traditional Catalan food – distinct from Spanish food. Just ask the locals.

But it is 10 minutes’ drive outside Sort, past the rolling vineyards of local winemakers Batlliu de Sort, in Surp, a tiny village in the Valley of Assua, where real culinary treasures can be found. It is home to Casa Mateu, one of the region’s famous formaggerie – or dairies – where Dimas toils away, producing some of Catalonia’s renowned artisan cheeses – his soft ewes’ milk cheese has won a stack of global awards.

Buried even deeper in Surp’s tightly spaced streets, overrun by cats and lined with 13th-century Romanesque cottages, their facades still intact, is Lo Paller del Coc, a rural 78

retreat and kitchen where Mariano, a former restaurant chef, now shares his expertise at workshops for food-lovers.

Of course, to describe Mariano merely as a chef sells him short. On one wall of his kitchen, sleekly renovated yet still rustic, warm and welcoming, hangs a sketch of a kitchen in complete disorder, chefs running amok and food flying at all angles. But it’s impossible to believe that any such culinary chaos could ever envelop Mariano – to watch this unnervingly tall, pencil-thin man expertly prepare food with

Picture-perfect: there’s less mud than you find in the Lake District

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long, spindly fingers is to watch a master alchemist, a food ninja, at work.

An afternoon spent sampling Mariano’s tapas is a guaranteed high point in anyone’s gastronomic life – the portions are rich, yet packed with complex flavours and the kind of freshness delivered only by using local produce.

Then, as we enjoy some of Mariano’s homemade blackberry liqueur, he brings out dessert.

“Mejor yogur del mundo,” he says flatly, insouciant.

The best yoghurt in the world, that is. And after the first spoonful, it’s clear he’s not kidding.

Rolling on the river Over lunch, I watch in awed silence as Klaus inhales a dozen sausages and four beers without drawing breath. That morning, within the first hour of rafting, he fell in twice

“

It’s a whiplashing whitewater maelstrom

”

– there would have been a third, but three of his mates managed to haul him back on board.

Returning to the raft for the afternoon session, we again wade in and take up our positions. I slide my right foot into a pocket in the base of the boat and latch my left in behind my leg to hold myself in place. The water’s ripples catch the mid-afternoon sun, throwing up a soft, hazy light, the way an old camera might capture a lens flare. We pass under rope bridges fitted with containers used to transport cattle from one side of the river to the other, the banks pockmarked by small waterfalls trickling over steep, soaring ledges.

There is little time to take in the scenery, though, as we are soon bracing ourselves for the next series of rapids, all of which, of course, have their own names. There’s the Wall, the Angel Dam, the 800, because it spins the raft two-and-a-half times, and, perhaps most suggestive, the Washing Machine, a brutal, whiplashing whitewater maelstrom. ›› We speed down-river, bumping over rock-shelves,

The Insider's guide Judith Perxes runs Pyrenees-based adventure sport travel operator Paddle in Spain.

Why should people visit Sort and the Pyrenees?

This place is gorgeous, with lots of attractions to offer – it’s like a sweet candy waiting to be opened. Most people when they get here, they get impressed by its natural environment, the high mountains, and the Noguera Pallaresa River, which is a mecca for whitewater adventure lovers.

What’s Sort like?

Sort is the main village of the area located at the base of the Catalan Pyrenees. It’s a great holiday destination in the summer with its big range of outdoor activities, such us white-water rafting, kayaking, and canyoning.

The Noguera Pallaresa River Festival takes place in the last week of September, and is a great chance to paddle with people from all over the world. There are kayak clinics and you can enjoy a whole week getting a good taste of the Spanish way of life. And in winter, from December to March, it’s a great destination too – we have trips with snow shoes, sleg dog rides, and snowmobiles. (noguerapallaresariverfestival.com) What about eating and drinking?

There are meals for all budgets, from the classic sandwich with everything and patatas bravas at one of the local bars on the main street of Sort, to some elaborate meals with proper wine tastings from local vineyards. Nights are warm, and there are lots of bars and pubs from which to enjoy the Spanish sunset.

In summertime, don’t miss all the different local celebrations in the surrounding small villages.

What’s your favourite thing about the area?

You’ll be made to feel welcome in Spain any time, no matter where you are.

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Tom Sturrock travelled through Sort and the Pyrenees with adventure sport operator Paddle In Spain. A range of tours are offered; a day of rafting costs from £70pp, and a week of kayaking costs from £486pp.

More at paddleinspain.com

Photos: Thinkstock, ROCROI, Tom Sturrock/TNT Images

caught in plumes of water thrown up after each rapid sucks us in and then sends us cartwheeling through. Jaime barks instructions – when to paddle, when to row backwards, which side to stop rowing. At one point, he steers us into a rapid and then jack-knifes us out the side. The raft spins and slams hard into a broad, flat rock. Klaus, unprepared, loses his balance and takes his third dip for the day. One of his countrymen extends his paddle, which Klaus gratefully grabs, and it’s all hands on deck to drag him, dripping and out of breath, back into the raft.

Most of the rapids can be seen in advance, a pit opening up at the base of a wave, allowing us time to brace. The ones that come from nowhere, from the blindside, are the ones that cause problems. On one such rapid, even Jaime comes a cropper, tumbling over the side of the boat before bobbing up, drenched.

Klaus rocks back, his booming laugh echoing out across the Pyrenees, loud enough even to wake the giant woman. ❚

Village people: fine food and busy streets

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2011 TRIPLE AWARD WINNERS BEST EUROPEAN TOUR OPERATOR AS VOTED BY YOU

10% * OFF

10% * OFF

10% * OFF

10% * OFF

£50

£50

£21

£26

SAVE UP TO

SAVE UP TO

TRAVEL

Adventures SAVE

SAVE UP TO

Iberian Adventure

Scandi-Baltic Adventure

Italian Adventure

Greek Island Hopper

7 DAYS (Jun-Sep) FROM £469

8 DAYS (Jun-Aug) £499

3 DAYS (May-Sep) FROM £189

NOW FROM £422

NOW £449

NOW FROM £170

STUDENTS NOW FROM £404

STUDENTS NOW £431

STUDENTS NOW FROM £161

9 WEEKS - 5 MONTHS 4 ISLAND FLEXI-HOPPER (May-Sep) FROM £255

CORDOBA, SEVILLE, LAGOS, TARIFA, RONDA, GRANADA, CONSUEGRA & TOLEDO

LITHUANIA, LATVIA, ESTONIA, SWEDEN & FINLAND There are two ways to go: 1.Vilnius to Tallinn 2.Tallinn to Vilnius

POMPEII, SORRENTO, CAPRI & AMALFI

6 nights accommodation, orientation walks in each town, guided tour with a local through the remarkable city of Seville INCLUSIONS:

7 nights accommodation and breakfasts, 2 Baltic Sea cruise nights, all orientation walks, Riga club entrance

2 nights accommodation, entry to Pompeii and tour with local guide, orientation tour of Sorrento, boat trip to and around Capri, Limoncello and chocolate tasting INCLUSIONS:

INCLUSIONS:

* Valid on all 2012 departures.

Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘getaway’

* Valid on Vilnius to Tallinn departures only.

Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘getaway’

NOW FROM £230 STUDENTS NOW FROM £220

MYKONOS, PAROS, SANTORINI & IOS INCLUSIONS:

All ferries, guided orientations of each island and nights out on every island

SEE MORE AY WITH A 2 D

Greek Odyssey

details at bottom of page

* Valid on all 2012 departures.

Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘getaway’

* Valid on MAY & 7 SEP departures onwards.

Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘getaway’

Croatia Island Hopper DEPARTS SPLIT

Ibiza Island Hopper

Sail Turkey

NOW FROM £492

8 DAYS (May-Sep) FROM £440

8 DAYS (Jun-Sep)

FROM £295

CAIRO, PYRAMIDS OF GIZA, VALLEY OF THE KINGS & DAHAB

NOW FROM £374

FROM £539

STUDENTS NOW FROM £357 * Valid 26 MAY-16 JUN & 25 AUG, 15 & 22 SEP departures only. Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘sail’

STUDENTS FROM £519

FETHIYE, KEKOVA’S SUNKEN CITY, OULODENIZ, BLUE LAGOON, KAS & KALKAN

15% * OFF

15% * OFF

£96

£114

SAVE UP TO

SAVE UP TO

One-Way Egypt 10 DAYS (Apr-Dec) FROM £579

9 nights accommodation, all breakfasts, 2 lunches & 4 local dinners, £100 of entrance fees - Egyptian Museum, Valley of the Kings and Hatshepsut Temple, Pyramids of Giza, Sphinx, Luxor and Karnak Temples, Kom Ombo and Aswan High Dam DEPARTS SPLIT OR DUBROVNIK INCLUSIONS:

Croatia One-Way Sail

Also Available

8 DAYS (May-Sep) FROM £540

7 DAYS (Apr-Dec) FROM £349

NOW FROM £459

NOW FROM £297

STUDENTS NOW FROM £442

7 nights accommodation, breakfasts and lunches, fuel supplement, island orientation walks, orientations of Split and Dubrovnik, English speaking Busabout Guide and expert local crew.

There are two ways to go: 1.Retox then Detox (Ibiza - Mallorca - Menorca) 2.Detox then Retox (Menorca - Mallorca - Ibiza) 7 nights accommodation and breakfasts, all ferry tickets and transfers, guided orientations of local attractions on each island, organised nights out in every island, discount Ibiza club tickets INCLUSIONS:

7 nights accommodation, breakfasts, lunches and dinners, afternoon tea and coffee, snorkels/masks/flippers and fishing lines, board games, on board sound system INCLUSIONS:

INCLUSIONS:

* Valid on all 2012 departures.

Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘egypt’

New for 2012 Greek

* Valid 16 JUN departures only.

Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘sail’

Odyssey

METEORA & DELPHI 2 DAYS £139 INCLUDES: 1 night accommodation (triple share) & breakfast/ local guide in Delphi,

plus site & museum entrance fees / local guide in Kalambaka, plus entrance fees for two monasteries

08450 267 514 TNT_1498_travel.indd 95

7 DAYS (Apr-Sep)

www.busabout.com

Plus More of Europe’s Top Festivals TOMATINA, PAMPLONA, OKTOBERFEST TNTMAGAZINE.COM

info@busabout.com

95

11/5/12 09:43:27

we

europe

2011 TRIPLE AWARD WINNERS BEST EUROPEAN TOUR OPERATOR AS VOTED BY YOU

Eastern Europe Treks 10% * OFF

10% * OFF

10% * OFF

10% * OFF

£59

£56

£47

£50

SAVE UP TO

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Ottoman Trek

7 DAYS (May-Sep) FROM £449

7 DAYS (Apr-Sep) FROM £479

9 DAYS (Apr-Oct) FROM £539

NOW FROM £404

NOW FROM £431

NOW FROM £485

STUDENTS NOW FROM £391 SPLIT TO PRAGUE

STUDENTS NOW FROM £413 SPLIT TO ISTANBUL

CROATIA, SLOVENIA, AUSTRIA & CZECH REPUBLIC

CROATIA, BOSNIA, SERBIA, BULGARIA & TURKEY

6 nights accommodation and breakfasts, orientation walk of Ljubljana, Salzburg, Cesky Krumlov and Prague

INCLUSIONS:

Classic Balkan Trek

9 DAYS (May-Sep) FROM £565

NOW FROM £509 STUDENTS NOW FROM £491 PRAGUE TO SPLIT

STUDENTS NOW FROM £467 ISTANBUL TO SPLIT

CZECH REPUBLIC, POLAND, SLOVAKIA, HUNGARY & CROATIA

TURKEY, GREECE, ALBANIA, MONTENEGRO & CROATIA

8 nights accommodation and breakfasts, walking tour of Olomouc, Auschwitz and Birkenau guided tours, bike tour of Krakow, orientation walks of Zakopane and Split, entrance to the Plitvice National Park

INCLUSIONS:

Also Available 7 DAY Rhapsody PRAGUE TO BUDAPEST

3 DAY Mini

Rhapsody

SAVE UP TO

Bohemian Trek

Classic Rhapsody Trek

INCLUSIONS:

SAVE UP TO

6 nights accommodation and breakfast, Belgrade walking tour, Mostar local guide, Sarajevo walking tour with tunnel entrance, Istanbul orientation walk

INCLUSIONS:

8 nights accommodation and breakfasts, 2 dinners, Gallipoli tour, orientation walks of Thessaloniki, Tirana and Budva

Also Available

Also Available

4 DAY Mini

5 DAY Balkan

SPLIT TO BLED

* Valid on 2012 bookings.

Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘getaway’

FOR ALL OUR TREKS THAT START OR FINISH IN SPLIT CHECK OUT CROATIA SAILING TRIPS

FOR ALL OUR TREKS THAT START OR FINISH IN ATHENS CHECK OUT GREEK ISLAND HOPPER

Bohemian

ATHENS TO SPLIT

4 DAY Mini

Balkan

ISTANBUL TO ATHENS

BUDAPEST TO SPLIT

FREE LONELY PLANET GUIDE

08450 267 514 www.busabout.com/eastern-europe

info@busabout.com

SAVE UP TO £30

*

WWW.SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM/SPRING

ALL IRELAND ROCKER 7 DAYS(Mon & Sat) £315 (Students £299) BLARNEY CASTLE, CLIFFS OF MOHER, GALWAY, INIS MÓR, GIANT’S CAUSEWAY & BELFAST Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle, Cliffs of Moher, Giant’s Causeway & Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge

WHY GO

SHAMROCKER?

CHOICE - SPEND YOUR CASH HOW YOU WANT TO

CELTIC ROCKER 5 DAYS (Mon & Sat) WAS £215 NOW £185 (Students Now £175) BLARNEY CASTLE, CLIFFS OF MOHER, KILLARNEY, INIS MÓR/CONNEMARA

WAS £215 NOW £185 (Students Now £175) GALWAY, INIS MÓR, GIANT’S CAUSEWAY, DERRY & BELFAST

Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle & Cliffs of Moher

Includes FREE entry to: Cliffs of Moher, Giant’s Causeway & Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge

WESTERN ROCKER 3 DAYS (Wed)

SOUTHERN ROCKER 3 DAYS (Fri)

WAS £125 NOW £109 (Students Now £103)

WAS £125 NOW £109 (Students Now £103)

INIS MÓR, CLIFFS OF MOHER & GALWAY

BLARNEY CASTLE, CLIFFS OF MOHER, GALWAY & DINGLE

Includes FREE entry to: Cliffs of Moher

Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle & Cliffs of Moher

* May & June departures. Book by 20 May. Enter promocode ‘spring’

FREE STUFF WORTH UP TO

€66

FREE LONELY PLANET GUIDE

AWARD WINNING

NO.1

TEL: 08450 267 507 INFO@SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM TNT_1498_travel.indd 96

GIANT’S ROCKER 5 DAYS (Wed)

PREFERRED CHOICE OF STA TRAVEL & FLIGHT CENTRE GLOBALLY

WWW.SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM 11/5/12 09:43:31

pl ENG us L & WA AND LES

TRAVEL

Book any Scotland trip below and we’ll pay for your return travel from London to Edinburgh. * Book by 20 May. Use promocode ‘freebus’

GET TO SCOTLAND WORTH

FOR FREE

*

£40

www.HAGGiSadventures.com/freebus COMPASS BUSTER

ORKNEY RAIDER

10

5 DAYS (WED)

DAYS (WED)

£415 (STUDENTS £395)

£189 (STUDENTS £179)

Orkney, Western Isles, Isle of Skye & Loch Ness

Orkney Islands, Inverness & Loch Ness

ISLAND EXPLORER

HIGHLAND FLING

7 DAYS (SAT) £289 (STUDENTS £274) The Western Isles, Isle of Skye & Loch Ness

DOING IT ONCE?

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@adventurouskate

FREE GUARANTEED DEPARTURES

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&HUWL¿FDWH RI ([FHOOHQFH

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2011

3 DAYS (MON, WED, FRI & SAT)

Haggis Day Adventures

PREFERRED BY STA TRAVEL & FLIGHT CENTRE GLOBALLY

£115 (STUDENTS £109) Isle of Skye, Loch Ness & Glencoe

“THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE”

MULTI AWARD-WINNING Explore Scotland’s wilderness by bike, hike, canoe and kayak.

INCLUDES: All equipment, support vehicle to carry gear, qualified instructors and max group size of 8.

WATCH THE CLIP www.youtube.com/HAGGiStelly

THE GREAT GLEN ADVENTURE 4 DAYS £395 (JUL - SEP) Fort William, Great Glen, Loch Ness & Inverness

WEST HIGHLAND WAY ADVENTURE 6 DAYS £559 (JUL - SEP) Glasgow, Loch Lomond, Glencoe & Fort William

3 PEAKS CHALLENGE 6 DAYS £459 (DEPARTS EDINBURGH 18 JUN) Climb the highest mountains of Scotland, England and Wales with loads of time to explore the truly wild parts of the British Isles

CORNWALL CRUSADER

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5 DAYS (MON)

5 DAYS (MON)

£199 (STUDENTS £189)

£199 (STUDENTS £189)

Stonehenge, Newquay, Bath & Lands End FREE Surf lesson on Newquay beach worth £30

Cardiff, Snowdonia, Brecon Beacons & Conwy Castle FREE entry to the Big Pit coal mine & Conwy Castle TNTMAGAZINE.COM

TNT_1498_travel.indd 97

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1G5C?=5 5EB?@5 explore europe 2012 DG9> 1>4 4?E2<5 8?D5<C 1<< D85 G1I M O R F +(%& 5C31@5 12 DAYS

9 4 6 £ 9 9 £7 9 9 £ 10 9 9 £ 10

7 COUNTRIES:

FRANCE, SWITZERLAND, GERMANY, NETHERLANDS, VATICAN CITY, ITALY & BELGIUM

DEPARTS! LONDON

* Excludes compulsory food fund of £99

M O R F

EUROPE EXPLORER 17 DAYS

£

9 COUNTRIES:

FRANCE, MONACO, ITALY, VATICAN CITY, SWITZERLAND, NETHERLANDS, GERMANY, BELGIUM & SPAIN.

DEPARTS! AMSTERDAM

* Doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t include compulsory food fund of £119

M O R F

BEST OF EUROPE

£

22 DAYS

13 COUNTRIES:

FRANCE, SWITZERLAND, ITALY, VATICAN CITY, GREECE, SLOVENIA, AUSTRIA, SLOVAKIA, CZECH REPUBLIC, GERMANY, BELGIUM, HUNGARY & THE NETHERLANDS

* Excludes compulsory food of £169

M O R F

DEPARTS! LONDON

ULTIMATE EUROPE 26 DAYS 16 COUNTRIES:

FRANCE, SWITZERLAND, ITALY, VATICAN CITY, SLOVENIA, AUSTRIA, SLOVAKIA, CZECH REPUBLIC, NETHERLANDS, LIECHTENSTEIN, LUXEMBOURG, SPAIN, MONACO, BELGIUM, HUNGARY & GERMANY

* Excludes compulsory food of £199

DEPARTS! LONDON

Only 10% deposit required to secure your place!

Book early to get the cheapest prices and guarantee your dates!

TNT_1498_travel.indd 98

£

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DEP LO

P C <

TRAVEL

5 CE==5B 451<C budget tours for 18-38's

>? 31=@9>7 ?B C<55@9>7 217C >55454 ?> D85C5 D?EBC 12C?<ED5 +(%& 24 DAYS

M FRO

9 9 £7 9 9 £5 9 9 £3

11 COUNTRIES: FRANCE, SWITZERLAND, GERMANY,

NETHERLANDS, VATICAN CITY, ITALY, AUSTRIA, LIECHTENSTEIN, CZECH REPUBLIC, BELGIUM AND BUDAPEST

DEPARTS! LONDON

* Excludes compulsory food fund of £129

M FRO

12C?<ED5 51CD5B>

16 DAYS

8 COUNTRIES: ITALY, SWITZERLAND, GERMANY, AUSTRIA, HUNGARY, SLOVAKIA, CZECH REPUBLIC, NETHERLANDS & BELGIUM.

DEPARTS ROME!

* Excludes compulsory food fund of £79

M FRO

12C?<ED5 G5CD5B>

12 DAYS

4 COUNTRIES: FRANCE, SPAIN,

DEPARTS! LONDON

ITALY & VATICAN CITY

* Excludes compulsory food fund of £69

ALL NG DEPARTIN LONDO !

C8?BD D?EBC 41I DB9@C

PARIS WEEKEND TOUR 6B?= ?><I CD?>585>75 21D8 1F52EBI 41I DB9@ 6B?= ?><I <?>4?> G1<;9>7 D?EB 6B?= ?><I !

Check out the website for more Europe deals, and prices for EGYPT, TURKEY, CROATIA, MALDIVES, SOUTH AFRICA & MOROCCO!

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

WWW.EXPATEXPLORE.COM or phone us on: 0208 133 1407 TNT_1498_travel.indd 99

99

11/5/12 09:43:49

TRAVEL

www.topdeck.travel/ascot

Includes:

ROYAL ASCOT RACES Silver Ring day trip from £79 Grandstand day trip £115

đƫ Return coach from London đƫ Ticket to the silver ring or grandstand enclosure đƫ Plenty of bubbly and a picnic style buffet lunch đƫ Post race day party in London đƫ Services of a Topdeck Trip Leader

www.topdeck.travel/festivals

EDINBURGH FRINGE FESTIVAL & TATTOO 4 DAYS 24-27 August

Hostel multi-share Includes return coach

FROM

£279 trips for 18 to 30 somethings

facebook.com/TopdeckTravel twitter.com/TopdeckTravel

100 TNTMAGAZINE.COM L8291 / Y2992

TNT_1498_travel.indd 100

*Terms & Conditions apply. Flights not included. Subject to availability.

11/5/12 09:44:16

www.topdeck.travel/deals

TRAVEL

UP TO 12 DAY

EuroHotel

Essential Europe

Gondolas Go North

Dep. 12 & 19 June 2012 Includes Paris, Florence, Rome, Austrian Alps, Munich, Amsterdam, plus more!

EuroHotel

Dep. 10 & 22 July 2012 Includes Rome, Krk Island, Prague, Berlin, Amsterdam, plus more!

£1230

WAS

£948

18 DAY

NOW

NOW FROM

WAS FROM

EuroClub

European Odyssey Dep. 16 June 2012 Includes Paris, Rome, Venice, Prague, Berlin, Amsterdam, plus more!

NOW

WAS

£1835

£1465

Departing 26 May

8 DAYS NOW FROM

16 DAY

£1520

£1365

35 DAY

Imperial Trail

Dep. 3 July 2012 Includes Rome, Budapest, Krakow, Berlin, Amsterdam, plus more!

WAS NOW

EuroHotel

20% OFF!

£2690

£2470

Includes £515 Food Fund

2 for 1 Special Offer!

£235pp

*

INCLUDES €20 LOCAL PAYMENT

CALL US 0845 257 5210 *Prices quoted are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off the base trip price only, and do not apply to food funds, sailing funds and local payments. Flights not included. Croatia Sailing price is per person and includes local payment based on €1 = £0.83, which must be paid locally in Euros. Exchange rates correct at time of printing, and subject to currency fluctuations, depending when payment is made. Croatia Sailing 2 for 1 offer valid for two people booking together. See online for full terms and conditions.

TNT_1498_travel.indd 101

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TRAVEL

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102 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVEL

PAMPLONA THE INCREDIBLE RUNNING OF THE BULLS! ■ 4 Days Pamps/San Seb Camping 4-15 JUL ■ Italy-Barcelona-Pamps 26 JUN-8 JUL ■ Barcelona + Pamplona Fiesta 2-8 JUL ■ Pamplona + Ibiza Combo 5-11 JUL ■ San Sebastian + Pamps 3-8 or 5-10 JUL ■ Coach Tours Depart London 3 or 4 JUL fr£289 ■ 4 Days San Sebastian Hostel 5-8 JUL £279 ■ 4 Days Pamplona Hotel 5-8 JUL £349

£169 £779 £359 £399 £249

SOCCEROOS DON’T MISS THE SOCCEROOS IN EUROPE! ■ v Denmark: Copenhagen SAT 2 JUN £35

ROYAL ASCOT DON’T MISS BLACK CAVIAR’S EUROPEAN DEBUT! ■ Diamond Jubilee Day SAT 23 JUN £59 ✔ Coach Day Trip ✔ Silver Ring Ticket

CIAO ITALIA CHECK OUT THE BEST ITALY HAS TO OFFER! ■ 7 Days JUN-AUG £349 ✔ Weekly departures ✔ Express train travel ✔ Rome ✔ Florence ✔ Cinque Terre ✔ Pisa ✔ Venice ✔ Milan

PALIO SIENA ITALY’S CRAZY 350 YEAR OLD FESTIVAL ■ Hostel Package 14-17 AUG £149 ■ Extended packages also available fr£529 ✔ Florence ✔ Pisa ✔ Siena ✔ Coach transfers

LA TOMATINA THE WORLD’S BIGGEST FOOD FIGHT! 27-30 AUG £149 ■ 4 Days Beach Camping ■ 4 Days Hostel/3 Days Hotel 27/28-30 AUG £189/£169 ■ Ibiza, Barcelona & Italy Combo tours also available!

CATEGORY A & A+ BOATS AT UNBEATABLE PRICES! ■ 7 NIGHTS JUN-SEP fr£429 WE SAIL CROATIA’S BEST ISLANDS & ROUTE! ✔ Split ✔ Markaska ✔ Mljet ✔ Dubrovnik ✔ Korcula ✔ Vela Luca ✔ Hvar ✔ Bol ✔ Brac ■ CAT A+: JUN £429 JUL fr£519 AUG fr£479 SEP £479 ■ CAT A: JUL fr£469 AUG fr£449 ✔ CROATIA + PAMPLONA TOUR

GREEK

ISLANDS

23 JUN-8 JUL £928

GREEK ISLANDS

GREEK ISLAND PARTY HOPPER ■ 9 Days £399 ■ 11 Days £489 Tours start in Athens every Sat JUL-AUG ✔ Mykonos ✔ Ios ✔ Santorini ✔ Paros ✔ Athens ✔ High speed ferries ✔ Breakfasts ✔ Fanatics Tour Rep ✔ Parties

OKTOBERFEST BEERFEST IN MUNICH! 21 SEP-8 OCT Choice of Munich’s best hostels & hotel and #1 party campsite!

■ Prague + Buda Fest 8 Days fr£329 ✔ Prague ✔ Budapest ✔ Salzburg / Vienna ✔ All the Oktoberfest action! ✔ Luxury coach transfers throughout

■ 6 Days Coach Tours

Thu-Tue

■ 4 Days Camping

Fri-Mon

■ 4 Days Hostel

Fri-Mon

■ 4 Days Hotel

Fri-Mon

fr£219

✔ Return coach from London ✔ Camping or hostel

fr£129

✔ Twin or single tents ✔ Quick coach shuttles to Oktoberfest

fr£179

✔ Choice of Munich’s top hostels in perfect locations!

£329

✔ Munich’s #1 Oktoberfest hotel!

Mid week camping & hostel options also available fr£99!

BOOK ONLINE NOW! www.thefanatics.com or call 0207 240 3223 COVENT GARDEN OFFICE 1st

Floor, 15 New Row, Covent Garden, WC2N 4LD Mon - Fri 9am - 6pm TNTMAGAZINE.COM 103

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TRAVEL 104 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVEL

WEEKEND BREAKS AND DAY TOURS DIAMOND JUBILEE BANK HOLIDAY THJIHJRWHJRLYZ JVT

Sat 2nd - Tues 5th Jun

HOLLAND & BELGIUM

from

£260

Return Eurotunnel Channel crossings, 3 nights B&B accom, dinners and free bar, sightseeing, visit to a cheese and clog farm, a half day in Brugge and Tour Manager.

PARIS BY EUROSTAR Return travel by Eurostar, 3 nights B&B accom, Tour Manager and plenty of free time to explore!

from

Tours

Hostels Adventures

£270

GERMANY RHINELAND from £250 Return coach travel & Eurotunnel Channel crossings, 3 nights half board accom, Rhine River boat cruise, wine tasting, visit to Ghent, Belgium.

THE genuine 3 day tour of Skye!*

NETHERLANDS, GERMANY & BELGIUM from £260

Departs Edinburgh Mondays and Fridays

Return Eurotunnel Channel crossings 3 night B&B hotel accom, visit to Cologne, Amsterdam, Brugge

WEEKEND BREAKS PARIS BY EUROSTAR from

;OL Z[\Ɉ [OH[ SLNLUKZ HYL THKL VM

£225

18th May, 15th, 22nd & 29th June. Return travel by Eurostar, 2 nights B&B accom, Tour Manager and plenty of free time to explore!

PLUS HOLLAND & BELGIUM from

Departs Edinburgh Saturdays

£171

18th May, 22nd June, 20th July. Return coach & ferry travel, visit to Amsterdam & Brugge, B&B + dinner & free bar hotel accom.

FESTIVAL ISLE OF WIGHT , HOTEL, BREAKFAST &

22ND - 24TH JUNE TRANSPORT ARE INCLUDED! £20 OFF WEEKEND FESTIVAL TICKETS booking. £379 but £20 off for TNT readers,

just use the promo code: TNTIOW

The Ultimate Scottish Experience!

Departs Edinburgh Mondays

when

DAY TRIPS ¸ Sat 19th May Cambridge from £32 ¸ Sun 20th May Cotswolds from £40 ¸ Sat 26th May A day in Wales from £50 ¸ Sun 27th May Windsor & Hampton Court from £40

The Highlands, and then some...

Departs Edinburgh Wednesdays

macbackpackers.com 0131 558 9900 MacBackpackersTours

PLUS Stonehenge & Bath EVERYDAY. From £50 with entrances to Stonehenge & the Roman Baths included!

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www.andersontours.co.uk or call 0207 436 9304 Follow us @andersontours

Anderson Tours is fully bonded

by Client Trust Account

Anderson Tours Travel Shop, 81 Charlotte Street, London W1T 4PP

* MacBackpackers runs the only genuine 3 day tour of the Isle of Skye for backpackers. Unlike other backpacker companies we actually stay overnight on the island - spending up to 36 hours there, compared to as little as 6 hours with other operators.

All MacBackpackers customers get exclusive access to loads of great deals on food, drink and attractions in Edinburgh, Scotland and beyond!

clan.macbackpackers.com

Red Hot Chili Peppers at Knebworth 23rd June 2012!

CONCERT TICKET AND RETURN COACH TRAVEL LONDON KNEBWORTH ONLY £92

Explore the palatial grandeur of Castle Rock Hostel, Edinburgh’s most amazingly located hostel!

(0131) 225 9666 www.castlerockedinburgh.com

Voted HostelWorld's Number 1 Hostel in Scotland 2008, 2009 and 2010! We were also named in the Top 10 Best Hostels in the World for 2010!

for details of our great hostels visit scotlandstophostels.com Visit the world-famous Loch Ness and get a taste of the Scottish Highlands

BOOK ON ANDERSONTOURS.CO.UK OR CALL 0207 436 9304

Departs Edinburgh 4 days a week

TNTMAGAZINE.COM 105

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DESPERATELYSEEKING

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@tntmagazine

Post your message at tntmagazine.com/seeking or email seeking@tntmagazine.com. Text TNT and your message to 81707* picking off those leaves one by one. Are they magic herbs? Care to share? It could be our secret.

To the flatties at Subie Row: It’s time to fess up. Who’s been cable-tying my boots and handbag to my bedpost while I’m in the shower? It just makes me fucking grumpy in the mornings – not to mention my feet cold. You’re going down to China town, you bastards, from Sophie.

Jamie on floor 3: I am so, so,

options on Indian, Chinese and European food – but with attitude.

A fiery Italian at times, and at others a laconic Australian, but prone to bouts of fast talking like a Lebanese national. My appetite for you is unrestrained. Will you marry me? Your girl, Cass.

You da businessman: Congratulations Mr Lee on the new job! No idea what it is you do, or how you do it, but clearly, you do it so fine – that or you have a finely

THINGS THE QUEEN SHOULD DO BEFORE SHE DIES

#479 Kick off this year’s Olympic Games by carrying the 2012 torch in Greece

sorry for spewing in your coffee mug. In hindsight, I should have taken the stairs, but I was feeling so rotten, the lift was better. I’d had a rotten meal the night before and it caught up with me right there and then. Sorry again. Technicolour.

Three cheers: Happy birthday Mummy Mae. Wishing you many happy returns, from the chain gang.

Bazinga: If you just keep feeding me cheese, I’ll let you bang my big any day. Love ya. Luke.

A proposal to Allen: You are like one of those pan-entire world smorgasbord takeaways that offers

tuned bullshit organ. Noice. RK Savour it: I saw the way you fed that ‘burlesque’ dancer your iced Vo-vos in that bar in Majorca, mate.

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Rita was a mate of mine before you were. Her favourite biscuits should never undergo that kind of treatment. Crumb muncher.

Bang bang: Sublime drumming prowess Ben Kidson. Can’t wait to see you beat the leather live and very soon. Your Krew friends.

Getting natural: Poggo, you’re the only person I would ever read

literature entitled Cycladian Pottery Art From The Bronze Age with.

That’s life-changing stuff, man.

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Lonely Lucasz.

Za Za and the gang: Road trip booked and paid for. Maybe we’ll start when the alcohol we consumed last night has left our system – it could take a while. What a send off! I may have pashed the barman in the cellar during the lock-in and invited him to join us.

He’s bunking with me. Boom! St C. Dirty deeds: Keenan, you need to get your filthy ragu face out of my house quick smart. I let you stay at mine on the hush and you repay me by leaving a bird who looks like a bloated spaghetti on my couch, knowing my missus was on her way. Never again. MC. Stormtrooper: Well jel of your new bevvy of Made In Chelsea rejects. Can I have one? Clo. Skinny minny: Alright, Karen.

You’ve run your marathons, mission accomplished. Now I’m going to take on the challenge to fatten you up. You’re as thin as a streak of piss, mate. Steak and chips on the menu – every single night. Yummo!

Be mine: Banita, my love for you rocks like a fat chick on stilettos.

You know it, I know it, so why don’t we just get it on? Duncs.

*Messages cost 25p each + standard network rate. 18+ bill payers only. Send STOP to end. Number may show on bill. A2B 08700460138

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Ivy May Cloete: We would like to give a big congratulations to Erin and Chase on the birth of their second baby girl Ivy May Cloete on May 6 at 4.10pm. Ivy weighs 8lb/ 3.6kg and is 52cm Long. So glad that Mum and baby are both doing well since Dr Chase (Daddy delivered her all by himself at home). Since meeting each other in London Town you have gone on to make a beautiful little family and we can’t wait to come home one day and meet the little princesses.

Love always, hugs and Kisses, the twins Angie and Georjia.

Farewell Crispy: Go home and take the bloody rain with you, you stinkpot! Ha ha. Na, seriously, we’ll miss you. Love, Noodle.

To my mates at Flat 2B: Charming performance, blasting Marvin Gaye’s Don’t Leave Me just as my one-night-only conquest was leaving my room. I’ve got one better up my sleeve. Just you wait.

SexierThanYou. Shaka shaka latte: To the guy with the mowhawk who makes my flat white at Taylor Street Baristas each morning. You are so hot.

Fancy a cuppa together some day?

Buzzing Becca.

You’re here!: Welcome to London town, Natski. Now, dry your tears and embrace this big, bad motherfucking city and all my super cool Aussies and Kiwis friends in it – plus the one token English man. It rocks, you’ll see. B&T To the girl with the short red bob on the 7.33am Oxford to Paddington train: I’ve seen you eating your pot plant. A bit weird,

earn

114 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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