TNT Magazine / Issue 1462

September 5-11 2011 Issue 1462 tntmagazine.com

ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO TH E RUGBY WOR LD CUP INSIDE WITH

HOW TO BE A SMART ARSE Go back to school with these top classes

48 HOURS IN...

We conquer New York in a weekend

SPECTACULAR STOPOVERS The best cities to break up dull long-haul flights

!

E G R O E G BY

g lady in d a le a g in lissa on be e M , d o o w y Bay to Holl r e m m u S m Fro

ANGLO PACIFIC SHIPPING & TAX 30th Anniversary OVER 500,000 SATISFIED CUSTOMERS HAVE ALREADY TRUSTED THEIR POSSESSIONS TO ANGLO PACIFIC, LONDON’S LEADING SHIPPERS EXCESS BAGGAGE > Free supply of tea cartons and bubble > Free delivery/collection within M25 > By sea/air/road worldwide > Money Back Guarantee HOUSEHOLD REMOVALS > Free home survey, no obligation > Packed by skilled professionals > Shared or exclusive containers > Motor car/bike specialist shippers TAX REBATES > Average refund £963 secured last year > Online Tax Pack, only 10% commission MONEY TRANSFERS > Competitive exchange rates FINANCIAL PROTECTION > Bonded by the British Association of Removers > Bonded by the Association of Tax Agents > FIDI Accredited International Mover

www.anglopacific.co.uk SO BEFORE YOU CHECK OUT OF EUROPE CHECK OUT ANGLO PACIFIC

FREEPHONE 0800 085 0355 Anglo Pacific International Plc, 5/9 Willen Field Road, Park Royal, London, NW10 7BQ Email: baggage@anglopacific.co.uk Hours: Mon-Fri 8.30am - 6.00pm Sat 9am-1pm

CAROL DRIVER EDITOR carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER If the recent raft of A* grades awarded for GCSEs and A-level exams has made you think about working on your own qualifications, turn to P8, where we show you how learning can be fun. Thinking of moving home? Flick to P44 for a surprising lowdown on living in Brixton. Planning a big trip to Australia or New Zealand? Make the most of your stopovers with our guide to the most exciting cities to visit on P92. Enjoy!

THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

4-5

LONDONNEWS

6

MY LONDON

12

DRINK & EATS

14-15

@TNT

16

SPOTTED

17

LISTINGS SOUND

18-19

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

20-21

CHATROOM MARK KERMODE 27 LONDON SCENE

28-29

SPARE TIME

34

LIFESTYLE

35-45

SHOPPING

35

HEALTH & BEAUTY

36-37

CAREERS

38-39 43

MONEY LIVING ... BRIXTON

44-45

NEWS & SPORT

46-73

RUGBY WORLD CUP

57-73

COMPETITION

74

TRAVEL

75-96

FEATURES BE A SMART ARSE

8

Going back to school doesn’t have to be dull, enrol in one of these unusual classes

STRINGS ATTACHED

We go behind the scenes for the 50th anniversary of The Little Angel Theatre

ANGEL OF HOLLYWOOD

30

76

NEWS

77

LATE DEALS

80

RUGBY WORLD CUP

81

Your 10-page guide packed with analysis and interviews ahead of the tournament

TOP FIVE

82-83

TIPS & STUFF

84-85

SHORTBREAK

86-88

48 HOURS IN... NEW YORK 90-91 CLASSIFIEDS

126-137

DESPERATELY SEEKING

138

8

22

DIARY

HOTSHOTS

Photos: Getty; TNT

57

Ex-Home & Away star Melissa George on the new man in her life and her latest film

NOT A BRUM DEAL

57

78

Birmingham is a city filled with cultural and is firmly on the travel map

STOPOFF ADVENTURE

92

Break up your boring long-haul flight in one of these dazzling cities

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EDITORIAL Editor Carol Driver Sub editor Jahn Vannisselroy Content editors: Travel Janine Kelso Entertainment Alison Grinter News & sport Tom Sturrock Web Frankie Mullin Staff writer Clare Vooght Staff writer/editorial assistant Rebecca Kent

LONDONDIARY

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DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke Graphic design manager Justine Mackay Picture researcher Laila Pacheco DIGITAL & IT Head of digital marketing and development Syed Ahmad IT manager Stephen Dann SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Classified Ad Manager Matt Syder Sales executives Tyler Harrison | Eddie Clinton | Donovan Smith | Michael Fair | Sandra Parr Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events assistant Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Finance director Nick Crampton Accounts Margaret Roberts TNT PUBLISHING CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst PUBLISHER TNT Publishing Ltd DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP SAPA NZPA PICTURES AAP AP Alamy Getty Images NZPA PA Photos Photolibrary.com Pictures Colour Library Reuters Rex Features Robert Harding SAPA TNT Images TNT Magazine , 10 Greycoat Place, London, SW1P 1SB tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7960 6008 Fax 020 7960 6977 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com

Shhh... SECRET LONDON GREENWICH COMEDY FESTIVAL OLD ROYAL NAVAL COLLEGE

London’s biggest comedy festival returns for its third year – the Big Top once again pitched in the scenic Cutty Sark Gardens. There’s a stack of great acts – including Omid Djalili and Stephen K Amos – but tickets sell quickly. If you miss out on seeing your favourite comedian, there’s a great atmosphere outside the main areas, with good spots to have a few sundowners and a bite to eat. Make the most of the year’s last decent weather. £18

September 5-11 Old Royal Naval College, Cutty Sark Gardens, SE10 9LW Greenwich greenwichcomedyfestival.co.uk

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TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine.

Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers.

Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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LUCIAN FREUD: SPECIAL DISPLAY

A CLOCKWORK ORANGE

NIGHT CARNIVAL

You’ve got less than a month to check out this special exhibition at the Tate Britain that commemorates the life’s work of Freud, the British painter, known for his exacting, penetrating portraiture, who died in July.

Turn off X Factor and get some culture. You can pretend you understand it, even if you don’t.

Anthony Burgess’s dystopic classic gets a makeover for the stage – Alex and his droogs are now a bunch of London lads up to no good. With the riots still fresh in the mind, the story of wayward youth and free will is as timely as ever.

The jazzy soundtrack is an interesting addition – not sure what Stanley Kubrick would have made of that.

This twilight parade of dancers, musicians, horseback cavalry and street performers starts near the National Theatre, heads north over Blackfriars Bridge and west along Victoria Embankment, finishing by Victoria Gardens. Should be a good night in central London if you’ve missed the daytime events.

Until September 25 Tate Britain, Millbank, SW1P 4RG tate.org.uk Pimlico

Until October 1 Theatre Royal Stratford East, Gerry Raffles Square, E15 1BN stratfordeast.com Stratford

September 11 Upper Ground, behind the National Theatre, SE1 9PP thamesfestival.org Waterloo

FREE

£20

FREE

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Does it get any zanier?

MAYOR’S THAMES FESTIVAL

Between Westminster and Tower bridges Billed as London’s biggest and best free outdoor arts festival, Boris’s party transforms the banks of the Thames into a sprawling waterfront performance space. Half a million people will flock to the area, taking in parades, art installations, street theatre and some world-class fireworks at the end of it all. It’s an extravaganza of entertainment, all laid on in one of the most ‘authentically London’ patches.

FREE

September 10-11 Between Westminster and Tower bridges

Temple

SCIPMYLO FESTIVAL

FEAST ON THE BRIDGE

More comedy, in the form of this brand, spanking new festival staged at Shoreditch House.

There are some big names peforming, including Ed Byrne and Stephen K Amos.

Heaps of local bars are incorporated in the festival, ensuring there are some great spots for a drink afterwards. Get online and check the programme.

In this major overhaul, Southwark Bridge, which is just round the corner from the Tate Modern, will be closed to traffic and transformed into an art space and communal dining hall. There’s bound to be some tasty food on offer, as well as some cracking live music and festival activities. Promises to be a memorable evening.

September 8-17 Shoreditch Town Hall 380 Old St, EC1V 9LT scipmylo.co.uk Old Street

September 10 Southwark Bridge, SE1 9HL thamesfestival.org London Bridge

£18

Photos: TNT

thamesfestival.org

FREE

LONDONNEWS

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OLYMPICS TO BE SCREENED IN 3D The London 2012 Games will be the first Olympics to be broadcast live in 3D, organisers and Panasonic have announced. Global broadcasters will cover more than 40 venues, opening and closing ceremonies and more than 12 sports, some of which will be in 3D. Describing the move as “historic”, Olympic spokesman Manolo Romero said: “We believe this will be the most significant step in the sporting history of broadcasting.” The BBC has confirmed it is considering broadcasting the men’s 100m final in 3D, but would not use the format for the entire Games.

I was annoyed he got away. I wish I was younger and able to grab hold of him Valentine Simatchenko, 55, after attempting to trip a knife-wielding man as he fleed the scene of a stabbing after the Notting Hill Carnival

RAIDED RESTAURANT ‘BEST IN LONDON’ The restaurant where staff fought off attackers during the London riots has been named the finest in the capital.

Chefs armed with rolling pins and frying baskets chased away looters carrying baseball bats who smashed through The Ledbury in Notting Hill.

This week, the venue has been named as number one for food in the prestigious Harden’s Guide.

ON THE TUBE

Defiant: the Hitler statue in Madame Tussauds

Hitler ‘should look defeated’ Calls to alter controversial Madame Tussauds statue A waxwork of Hitler is continuing to provoke controversy with Jewish campaigners calling for the figure to be altered. The UK Zionist Federation is urging Madame Tussauds to modify the statue so that it looks more defeated.

It comes after complaints that visitors posed provocatively next to the figure, making ‘sieg heil’ salutes.

Staff at the Marylebone Road attraction were forced to apologise to Israeli holidaymakers who saw children performing the Nazi gesture for photographs.

An Israeli mother, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Jewish Chronicle: “My grandfather was in a concentration camp and all his family were murdered there. It’s very personal to us. I thought about my

grandfather and how he would feel.”

Stefan Kerner, the federation’s director of public affairs, said: “I have no problem with Adolf Hitler being displayed. However, we want to display him in a more vulnerable position or situation.

“Or he could be placed in a way that people can’t take photographs of him.”

A spokesman for Madame Tussauds said the waxwork of the Fuhrer, who is clad in grey uniform adorned with Nazi insignia, is now guarded by staff.

She added: “We are just as upset as the Israeli family who saw the behaviour.

“If our members of staff see someone behaving inappropriately they will stop it.”

The statue had previously been displayed behind glass because of attacks by visitors who spat on it or pelted it with eggs.

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

THIS WEEKS CLOSURES

CIRCLE: No service between Moorgate

and Dagenham East or between Parsons Green and Wimbledon all weekend.

HAMMERSMITH/CITY: No service between King’s Cross and Barking all weekend.

JUBILEE: No service between Stanmore and West Hampstead all weekend. Rail replacement buses operate.

METROPOLITAN: No service between Harrow-on-the-Hill and Aldgate on Sunday. Replacement buses operate.

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Photos: TNT; Memory Remains: 9/11 Artifacts at Hangar 17

and Hammersmith all weekend.

DISTRICT: No service between Tower Hill

Sunday marks the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 bombings in America, in which 3000 people were killed.

London will mark the occasion in a number of ways. At the National Theatre, a team of writers explores our responses to the atrocities in a show called Decade, set in a disused office building in St Katharine Docks.

On display at the Imperial War Museum is the first remnant of the Twin Towers to come to Britain. The 8ft-long, twisted charred steel beam (pictured right) weighs more than a third of a ton and joins the venue’s permanent collection.

On Sunday, charity 9/11 London Project Foundation is planning to unveil an art tribute to the victims on Potters Fields Park, beside City Hall.

Back to school Learning doesn’t have to mean dull teachers droning on in smelly classrooms anymore. Sign up for inspirational talks across London WORDS CAROL DRIVER

It’s been quite a while since I’ve been in a classroom. Long gone are the days of pieces of chalk being thrown at the boy picking his nose, or getting detention for not doing your homework: now it’s not compulsory, learning can be fun. There are lectures, seminars, classes and courses held across London, ranging from the superinteresting to the downright bizarre.

One of these hubs is The School Of Life, in Russell Square, where experts attempt to equip ‘pupils’ with the necessary skills to deal with the day-today issues we all face.

I book into its How To Realise Your Potential class, with John-Paul Flintoff – an author and journalist whose work was once praised by late Nobel winner Harold Pinter – and arrive just in time to scoff pre-talk treats and neck a glass or two of wine. Things are already looking better than I remember them being in sixth form.

Once we’re assembled, Flintoff, who talks incredibly quickly but eloquently, explains why he’s qualified to hold the lecture, by giving us examples of how, by realising his own potential, he’s successfully carved an enviable career 8

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and is happy with his family life. We’re then asked to discuss why we’re here.

There’s a man who wants to change careers; a woman who wants to take the next step and publish a novel; another who wants to book an open mic night; and a woman who wants to change the lives of underprivileged children by asking world leaders to address education in Third World countries. Erm, really?

Apparently, there are no limits to what potential you can realise in this class – and instead of mocking what seems to be unrealistic pipedreams, we applaud in admiration.

Flintoff instructs us to start building foundations on our castles in the sky; to take one step at a time; and to acknowledge the things that could sabotage us completing these tasks – which ultimately is ourselves; apparently as well as holding the key to our own success, we also like to play hide and seek with it.

More excited than when we first arrive, we break for more snacks and wine, before returning to discuss how to take our small steps – ie don’t ditch your job to start your own business

without testing the market – and what we can do in the next year to make the dream become a reality.

Flintoff says: “The point is to show people they already know what it is they want to do and to make them realise there’s no better time to start doing it. So, hopefully with a bit of luck, they will go off and do what they want to do.

“It can be quite wide-ranging; there are those people who want to take up a hobby and need a bit of permission ... and I’ve had people stand up and say they are going to move to Australia.

It’s quite a wide spectrum.

“The class can be quite inspirational, which means more people will end up doing the things they want to do.”

The lesson ends and I leave feeling completely motivated.

I’m now fully aware of my potential – and, would you believe, I did know it all along – and I’m going to focus on it, taking small steps to ensure it becomes a reality. Watch this space. ❚ ›› MORE LECTURES AND CLASSES School of Life 70 Marchmont St, WC1N 1AB theschooloflife.com Russell Square. Next Realise Your Potential class Sept 21. £30.50

An education: The School Of Life building

The unexpected: Sunday Sermons (see P10)

Enrol in a lecture to find the answers TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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CHANGING WORLD – CONFLICT, CULTURE AND TERRORISM IN THE 21ST CENTURY WESTMINSTER To mark the 10th anniversary of 9/11, the Frontline Club is hosting a special event looking at how the events have shaped the world today. With a panel including Mehdi Hasan, from the New Statesman and Carne Ross, a former British diplomat, and chaired by the BBC’s Paddy O’Connell, expect a lively debate trying to make sense of the changes that have happened since 2001.

PRACTICAL PHILOSOPHY BOND STREET

£20

Wednesday, Sept 7. 7pm The Royal Institution of Great Britain, 21 Albemarle St, W1S 4BS frontlineclub.com Green Park

Do you know who you are? Or why you are? Yes, these questions may sound deep, man, but this exploration of philosophy promises to be exhilarating. It will cover the nature of wisdom; the light of reason; the desire for truth and different levels of awareness. And it draws on the expertise of the likes of Socrates and Plato. The course runs over 10 weeks and the beauty of it is that the same class runs Mon-Sat, meaning you can fit it around your schedule.

You’ll also get fed. Bonus. £90

SUNDAY SERMONS HOLBORN For Sunday Sermons with a difference, look no further than The School Of Life. “Expect hellfire preaching, an alternative parish newsletter, hymns, sticky buns ... and the appearance of the Devil himself,” its website warns. Choose to listen to Geoff Dyer explain why we’ve got it wrong; Americans are conspicuously polite, not loud and brash as the stereotype would have us believe. £12.50

From, Monday, Sept 26. Evenings 7pm-9pm; Sat 10am-12.15pm The School of Economic Science, 11 Mandeville Place, W1U 3AJ philosophycourse.com Bond Street

Sunday, Sept 18. 11.30am-12.45pm Conway Hall, 25 Red Lion Square, WC1 theschooloflife.com Holborn

CRUEL DEEDS AND DREADFUL CALAMITIES HACKNEY

Start your day with a bang with this monthly breakfast lecture series for creative types.

Each event includes a 20minute talk plus coffee.

The next session will feature graphic design superstar David McCandeless. The award-winning designer, whose work has appeared in more than 40 publications worldwide, chat about his field. After the lecture and 20 minutes of Q&As, feel free to mingle with the other guests or take off for work.

FREE

Friday, Sept 30. 8.30am-10am TBC creativemornings.com

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Delve into the history of the Victorian publication The Illustrated Police News – the sensational tabloid of its time. Linda Stratman, a British author specialising in historical true crime, will go into gory detail with gruesome pictures and melodramatic headlines.

The paper published a blow-by-blow account of Jack The Ripper’s murders and ran headlines such as: “Boys Murder Their Mother” and “Horrible Discovery Of Human Remains At Rainham”. Decide for yourself if it’s any worse than red tops today. £4

CREATIVEMORNINGS TBC

TEFL COURSE KENSINGTON Do you fancy taking off and earning some money while travelling? Then sign up for TNT’s TEFL course. All classes are run by highly qualified and experienced trainers and will equip you with the skills you need to start teaching straight away.

What are you waiting for? £150

Oct 1-2. 9am-6pm YHA Holland Park, Holland House, Holland Walk, W8 7QU tntmagazine.com Notting Hill Gate

Wed, Sept, 12. 7pm 11 Mare Street, E8 4RP thelasttuesdaysociety.org Bethnal Green

THE MAGIC OF REALITY SOUTH KENSINGTON Author of The Selfish Gene and The God Delusion, Richard Dawkins will be discussing his new book, The Magic Of Reality, presenting the ‘real story’ of the world around us. It aims to take the audience on an enthralling journey through scientific reality. Price also includes a voucher for a copy of his new book. £20

Wed, Oct 19. 8.30pm Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP royalalberthall.com South Kensington

AN EVENING OF ATTRACTION COVENT GARDEN

CYCLING FESTIVAL SOUTH KENSINGTON It’s an antiquated mode of transport, yet hundreds of thousands take up cycling every year in Britain. This evening event

by Intelligence2 brings together articulate amateurs and professionals from the world of biking to explain the relationship between man and machine. Bella Bathurst, author of The Bicycle Book will be recalling quirky anecdotes and stories from the past; novelist Geoff Dyer will be discussing photography and romance; and keen cyclist and writer Will Self will be expanding on his love of the bicycle’s “purity and simplicity”. £15

In the animal kingdom, males, ranging from birds to baboons, showcase their sexual prowess by puffing out their chests – behaviour similar to that of most men on a Friday night. In conjunction with the Sexual Nature exhibition, social anthropologist and flirting mastermind, Jean Smith will teach you how to recognise, and effectively utilise, signals given by men and women to display interest. You’ll then have the chance to practice what you learn on more than 150 other singles. Bonus. £30

Friday, Sept 30. 6.30pm-10.30pm Natural History Museum, Cromwell Road, SW7 5BD nhm.ac.uk South Kensington

TOM’S WINE SCHOOL BANKSIDE If you want to take wine appreciation to the next level, this is the course for you. Vinopolis is hosting monthly workshops with expert Tom Forrest. You’ll focus on special vinos and wine-making regions of the world, from the classic areas in France to the cutting-edge producers of New World wines. It kicks off with a New Zealand spotlight.

Great opportunity to impress a date by knowing what bottle to order with your meal rather than opting for house plonk. £59

Thursday, Sept 8. 6.45pm-8.30pm Royal Geographical Society, 1 Kensington Gore, SW7 2AR intelligencesquared.com South Kensington

New Zealand wines; Thurs, Sept, 15. 6.30pm-9pm No. 1 Bank End, SE1 9BU vinopolis.co.uk

SOCIETY BEYOND BORDERS HACKNEY

HOW TO HAVE BETTER CONVERSATIONS RUSSELL SQUARE

TED is renowned for hosting world-class speakers. Its next London event aims to explore opinions around migration.

Instead of cringing over the things you’ve said on a night out, or drying up around the dinner table, learn how to have better conversations.

In this School Of Life class, you’ll explore the art of conversation as well as its psychology and philosophy.

And then you’ll put your ideas into practice.

£30

QUANTUM THEORY CANNOT HURT YOU WESTMINSTER

Photos: TNT

£10 Don’t have a clue about Einstein’s general theory of relativity or quantum theory? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Let this crash course shed some light on the mysterious subjects, and you’ll end up feeling smarter than all your friends. Join Marcus Chown and Manjit Kumar as they cover the personalities whose lives were dedicated to understanding these baffling scientific discoveries.

Thursday, 15 Sept. 7pm-8.30pm The Royal Institution of Great Britain, 21 Albemarle St, W1S 4BS rigb.org Green Park

Thurs, Sept 8. 10am-6pm Human Rights Action Centre, 17-25 New Inn Yard, EC2A 3EA ted.com Old Street

THE POWER OF SYNCHRONICITY COVENT GARDEN Thinking of someone and they call you?

Talking about someone and they show up? How do you interpret these events?

Random, meaningless, divinely orchestrated or just coincidence? Find out more at this workshop.

FREE

Friday, Sept 16. 6.30pm-8pm 2 Savoy Place, WC2R 0BL innerspace.org.uk Covent Garden

£30.50

Sat, Oct 1. 2.30pm-5.30pm 70 Marchmont St, WC1N 1AB theschooloflife.com Russell Square

THE BOLINGBROKE BATTERSEA Is beauty really in the eye of the beholder? Do you feel pressure to buy the latest beauty product? Or do you ignore it all and stick to your usual regime? All of these make-up minefields will be discussed over a two-course meal and a glass of wine in this pub group’s new informal monthly classes.

Other topics to include fashion, flowers and wine. £15

Wed, Sept, 28. 10.30am-2.30pm 174 Northcote Rd, SW11 6RE thebolingbroke.com Clapham South

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MYLONDON

In association with

RUGBY WORLD CUP INSIDE

KURTLEY BEALE 60

DS 62 | ANDY GOMAR | BACK FOR SECON

S 71 | THE BOKS 73

SALL 69 | ALL BLACK

In association with

T he d raw 40 matches in 23 days – and that’s just the group stage

Mils Muliaina, New Zealand

KARINE JACKSON CELEBRITY HAIR STYLIST

Luke Burgess, Australia Jon Smit, South Africa

POOL A .ai 1 31.08.2011 15:29:48

Ins_luckyday_200x283_en

What baffles me about London is the rubbish! Why do we not recycle more? Why does the rubbish sit on the pavement waving a big red flag for the rats and mice? We’re so on it with eco-initiatives in Australia, why can’t London be the same? That’s it, rant over!

Canada

France Japan New Zealand

SPORTSBOOK - CAS Tonga

ER INO - GAMES - POK

POOL B Argentina England Georgia Romania Scotland POOL C Australia Ireland

London’s best-kept secret is an amazing little garden behind the Phoenix Theatre called the Phoenix Gardens run by a brilliant gardener called Chris.

It’s a little piece of heaven I can escape to on a busy day.

v Japan Sep 10, North Sep 9, Eden Park; France nd Events Centre; New Zealand v Tonga v Canada Sep 14, Northla Sep ; France v Canada Harbour Stadium; Tonga Sep 16, Waikato Stadium Centre; New New Zealand v Japan 21, Northland Events Sep Japan v 27, McLean 18, McLean Park; Tonga Canada v Japan Sep Sep 24, Eden Park; France v Zealand l Stadium; New Zealand Oct 1, Wellington Regiona Park; France v Tonga ton Regional Stadium v Canada Oct 2, Welling v England Stadium; Argentina ia Sep 10, Rugby Park Rugby Park Scotland v Roman v Georgia Sep 14, Stadium; Scotland ; England Sep 10, Forsyth Barr Rugby Park Stadium v Romania Sep 17, ina ia Sep 24, Argent ; Stadium ; England v Roman Forsyth Barr Stadium Regional ton Welling v Georgia Sep 18, 25, Sep ina v Scotland England v Forsyth Stadium; Argent Arena Manawatu; v Romania Sep 28, Manawatu Stadium; Georgia Georgia Oct 2, Arena Park; Argentina v Scotland Oct 1, Eden United Stadium; Ireland v 11, North Harbour Sep 15, Stadium States Australia v Italy Sep United Taranaki; Russia v v Russia Sep 20, Italy States Sep 11, Stadium Park; Eden v Ireland Sep 17, Regional Taranaki; Australia Sep 23, Wellington ia v United States ; Italy v Trafalgar Park; Austral International Stadium Russia Sep 25, Rotorua Oct 1, Trafalgar Stadium; Ireland v Australia v Russia 27, Trafalgar Park; United States Sep Stadium Oct 2, Forsyth Barr Park; Ireland v Italy

Italy Russia United States POOL D Fiji Namibia Samoa South Africa

€ 50

OK TSBO ; South Africa v SPOR Sep 10,SRotorua International Stadium !

Sep 14, U ton Fiji v Namibia N Samoa v Namibia Regional Stadium; OWelling 11, Sep 17, Wellington Wales SepB ; South Africa v Fiji

Stadium ; South Africa Rotorua International 18, Waikato Stadium Wales v Samoa Sep 25, Eden Regional Stadium; ; Fiji v Samoa Sep North Harbour Stadium v Samoa v Namibia Sep 22, Taranaki; South Africa a Sep 26, Stadium Park; Wales v Namibi Oct 2, Waikato Stadium Fiji v Wales ; r Staidum Sep 30, North Harbou

Wales

When I want to chill out I head to St James’s Park where the birds flit round and the squirrels run about your feet; you feel like an extra from Snow White.

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The most interesting person I’ve met is Victor Spinetti, an actor who was in all the Beatles films and was on the cover of Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, he was in loads of Carry On films and is a client at the salon. He’s in his eighties, and I hope I can be half the life and soul he is at his age.

My favourite place for a drink depends on what day it is. I love sitting outside Boheme kitchen on a sunny day watching the characters and celebs strut their stuff down old Compton St. St Pancras Renaissance Hotel is an amazing building and they do fantastic cocktails in fine venetian glasses – not that I drink cocktails, I operate a strict champagne-only policy.

R IT’S YOU Y! A D Y K C LU Bet on

pion Cup Cham y World the Rugb

m/tnt ome.co bet-at-h – ww w.

For when you’re hungover in London drink one of Duncan’s Bloody Marys, well worth the trip to the Earl Ferrers in Streatham.

XXXXXXX /00 XXXXXXXXXXX /00

What gets me up in the morning? Not knowing really what lies ahead and a nice cup of English tea.

My perfect weekend starts on a Friday night. I would head to Exmouth Market in Clerkenwell for drinks, then I’d go clubbing to Fabric. On Saturday, I would have an empty credit card for a mooch about in Liberty. Late lunch would be at the Tate Modern followed by dinner at Skylon at the RFH.

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Five words that sum up London ... Exciting, crazy, liberal, grey, creative.

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Photos: TNT

The last naughty thing I did was get really drunk with my friend, and book tickets to New York on her husband’s credit card – we left eight days later.

29TH SEPTEMBER 2011 To celebrate Germany’s annual beer festival, Chelsea FC will be hosting our first ever traditional Oktoberfest at Stamford Bridge.

£35 per person includes: · Personalised table for your company or group name · Bavarian beer maids to serve your table · Traditional Oompah band · Cloakroom and security German food platters, bratwursts, 5 litre kegs of beer and much more are available to purchase when booking your places.

Alternatively why not go for the full Bavarian Package: · Which includes a table of 10, 10 deluxe platters, 10 Bratwurst, 5 Kegs (44 pints), 10 Bavarian hats for £699+VAT · And receive 10 free bottles of Singha A perfect choice for corporate hospitality. If you can't make it to Munich this autumn, bring your party down to the Bridge for an unforgettable night…

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Lord’s Tavern: punters needed

BAR THE SCENE Attached to the hallowed cricket ground in an affluent corner of north west London, this venue has provided cricket-lovers with a haven for celebration or reflection. But punters in the past have apparently been rambunctious, so a recent makeover has been, in part, aimed at attracting a more subdued crowd.

Bedecked in wood panelling, with a beige colour-scheme, booths and comfy chairs, the pub now holds a rarefied air. Custom-made wallpaper, printed with the invitations of cricketing banquets from as far back as 1928, plus balls and trophies in glass cabinets, are a nod to the establishment’s provenance. However, none of this helps to inject any atmosphere into the place. When we arrive, it is swarming with polished, tuxedoed men. They come for a cheap pint before indulging in a pricier, corporate experience in the grounds. But when they leave, amid a cloying waft of cologne, they take with them any life the place had.

THE GRUB Bar snacks including Scotch egg, pork pies and croquettes, plus tapas. Our steak and chips, and fish and chips were cooked to mouth-watering perfection.

There is an extensive wine list, plus Marston’s ales.

Mains from ÂŁ8.50; tapas dishes ÂŁ4.50; bar snacks from ÂŁ2; wine ÂŁ4.10 for a glass and a pint from ÂŁ3.20.

VERDICT Bring back the noisy cricket fans. REBECCA KENT BEHIND THE BAR BILL PLEASE

St John’s Wood, NW8 8Q

lords.org

Finchley Road

ARAGON HOUSE

3 OF THE BEST

aragonhouse.net

In clement weather, the back garden of this Grade II-listed pub heaves with punters, hungry for steak sandwiches, sausages and vegetarian fare straight off the hotplate. thecrownandgreyhound.co.uk

THE PLOUGH INN When the sun’s out, the patio of this secluded Ealing drinking hole feeds hungry guests the best of British meat straight off the barbie.

Gather your mates around and book one in. fullers.co.uk

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ith Served awnd chips yle Spur-st r a gs o onion ripnotato or baked salad. side

Offer not valid with any other promotion or special.

Bring in voucher to receive this special. Terms and conditions apply. Valid until 30 September 2011. The least expensive combo meal is free.

&KH\HQQH 6SXU 02 Dome, North Greenwich. Tel: 020 8858 0196 0RKDZN 6SXU Southside Shopping Centre, Wandsworth. Tel: 0208 874 0831 14

THE CROWN AND GREYHOUND

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BARBECUE PUBS

Get your sizzle on within the leafy enclosure of this Parsons Green drinking spot.

Sausages and burgers hot off the griddle are available from Wednesday to Sunday throughout summer.

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BITE SIZE

Sleek design: Feng Sushi

MASTER THE SPICE Join the pros from Spice Market to learn how to create some of the restaurant’s best dishes. You’ll start with an informal brunch at the Piccadilly venue before heading to Chinatown to shop for ingredients.

You’ll return for a cocktail and cooking session, making salmon tartar with avocado, spicy radish and ginger marinade and chargrilled sirloin with soy, garlic and coriander. Held on September 24, the class is £80 per person. spicemarketlondon.co.uk

CELEBRATE MUSHROOMS Carluccio’s Kensington is rejoicing in the splendour of the humble mushroom this autumn with a weekly changing menu. From September 10 to October 10, diners can choose from a selection of seasonal dishes focusing on the different varieties of fungi. If you fancy yourself as a hit chef, enter your best mushroom recipe into the competition on the Carluccio’s Facebook page. carluccios.com

Photos: TNT; Thinkstock

HAVE A CHOC-TAIL Who doesn’t like chocolate and cocktails? With that in mind, mixologists at Le Meridien’s Longitude 0º8’ in Piccadilly have created a selection of drinks that have been carefully paired with rich truffles.

For £20, guests can demolish three decadent tasting cocktails and three chocolate pralines. The highlight is the amaretto truffle, which is laced with liqueur and matched with an Amaretto sour to keep it from being too sweet. longitude08.co.uk

FENG SUSHI Sushi THE SCENE Set on the buzzing Festival Terrace on the South Bank, this small eatery was given a recent facelift. Its new look is simple yet elegant, with classic Japanese motifs that include massive blue flowers prettily adorning one of the walls. There’s even a fish tank awash with tropical fish – which I assume are for decoration rather than munching. Seating is on Wagamama-style long bench tables – there’s also an outdoor seating area, perfect for those, ahem, sunny afternoons spent watching the skateboarders, street entertainers and yummy mummies that frequent the area. Staff are smiley and efficient, so you won’t have to wait long for your food.

THE GRUB Dishes are artfully presented and placed delicately and neatly on dainty rectangular dishes – all sushi is handmade using fresh fish, vegetables, spices and seaweed. The comprehensive menu contains everything you’d expect from a sushi restaurant – nigiri, sashimi and maki. If you’re not a fan of raw fish, there are a wide range of delicious hot dishes to plump for, including Japanese fish and chips with tempura hake with handcut potato chips. To start, we have two bowls of edamame peas, one with salt and the other with chilli – the latter is particularly moreish. For main, the spicy crispy baby squid is melt-in-the-mouth delicious, while the sushimi is velvety and as pretty as a picture. To finish, we have three scoops of ice-cream, vividly flavoured with green tea, chestnut and black sesame – a total taste sensation. Dishes are big on flavour but a little on the small side, so we order an extra main course to share to fill up on.

A bottle of sake is £10.50; a bottle of wine costs from £30; while Japanese beers cost from £3.50. Soft drinks include apple juice and ginger beer.

BILL PLEASE Starters from £1.50; mains from £7.50; desserts from £2.75.

VERDICT This stylish chain is a tasty option for a no-fuss lunch on a sunny day or a casual dinner with mates before catching a performance on the South Bank. JK BEHIND THE BAR

Unit 9 Festival Terrace, London SE1 8XX

fengsushi.co.uk

Waterloo

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LETTER OF THE WEEK

Sharp thinking: Valentine Simatchenko

81707*

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears? None. He’d stand there eating his own shit

Ryan I had a dream that I was flying.Row 14, Seat e. It was a crap dream.

Sarah Q “Gud luk 2 evry1 gettin ther resultz 2moro” Thank you - I can tell you your English result already if you want.

Douglas The central line definitely has the hottest girls in town

Jon Boy Owen Hargreaves’ move to Man City has broken down amid another injury scare. He fell out of the transfer window.

Leisel Picked up two cheap Dutch hoes today.

Can’t beat B&Q’s offers

Peter the Greek Tim Cook in charge of Apple? Wait for the headlines.... ‘’Cook promises to improve Apple turnover’”

Manu S What Worse than getting 2 work late? Being hit in the face with an axe.

T-Bone With Beyonce Pregnant, Jay Z has decided to release a new song. “I don’t like it, i shoulda put a condom on it”

James

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Good on that old bloke Valentine Simatchenko who tried to trip up a knife-wielding thug at the Notting Hill Carnival.

It’s about time someone showed these idiots not all everyone is scared of them. I’d put Valentine in the same league as Hackney grandma Pauline Pearce, who stood up to the rioters while the rest of London watched.

It does make me wonder though, why is it only people in their 40s and 50s sorting things out?

Jules, Notting Hill

BRING IT ON I’m loving all the hooha surrounding team performances in the leadup to the Rugby World Cup. When South Africa took part in 1995, we lost every game in the build up to the WC and everyone doubted we would get out of the first round, but we won the trophy. Nothing counts until the games begin.

I, for one, can’t wait!

Sherilee Nairn, via email

COULD BE GONE The UK government is trying to quietly usher through changes that will force highly skilled immigrants to leave after five years, removing any right they have to settle in the country. The changes will affect only 10,000 or so people initially, but they represent the biggest sentiment shift against skilled migrants in at least a decade. It’s not too late to oppose the proposed changes; government consultation closes

September 12. Google “UK Border Agency employment related settlement consultation”.

Concerned, via email

Jules wins a three-day tour of Ireland with Shamrocker shamrockeradventures.com

YOUR TWEETS Tweet us @tntmagazine

NOT THE UK I recently had the pleasure of reading TNT 1459 on a flight back from London to Dublin. In a great feature

by Rebecca Kent titled ‘On the rocks’, Rebecca visits Inís Mór on the west coast of Ireland. However the banner at the top right of the page is titled ‘UK TRIP’.

This is incorrect of course as the Republic of Ireland has not been part of the UK since 1948, and so it was not a ‘UK Trip’.

Barry Redmond, Ireland

BLADE RUNNER Good on the Oscar Pistorius for having ago at Daeugu.

I was cheering for him.

George, via email WORLD CUP NEW YORK /90

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@Horhaay: Just learned Jonathan Ross is 50. Thought he was 40 @NoMorePeta: Don’t assume than anyone who trains animals is bad now. @clintheine: I hope K Katona doesn’t win BB. would be lovely to read a paper without her in it. She’d spend the winnings on coke and food.

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Neoma Light: A ‎24-hour Tube and train service in London would be good. Also, more late night places to have a boogie and/or get something to eat and drink!

Saskia Szokolovics: Sound systems shutting down every 5 mins is not what I would classify as a carnival! Absolute stupidity everywhere on monday!

David Brady: I’d change the underground – it brings out the worst in everybody who uses it.

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Email us at marketing@ tntmagazine.com with ‘Spotted’ in the subject line, email must include a photo of yourself! You’ve won a Lonely Planet (lonelyplanet. com) guide of your choice.

TNT BAYWATCH BBQ PARTY Elk Bar, Fulham.

Sunday, August 28 Photos by: Nicola Bellinfantie/ TNT Images

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ALISON GRINTER ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR Now THE media hysteria over Beyonce’s red carpet announcement that she is preggers has died down, one can’t help pondering the future of the child itself. Imagine if one of your parents was R&Bs hottest property and the other was a hip hop overlord: you’d be destined for musical greatness, right?

Well, not so fast. Sure folk royalty Loudon Wainwright III and Kate McGarrigle spawned Rufus and Martha.

But for every scion success story, there’s a Sean Lennon. Poor Sean, the progeny of revered Beatle John and avant-garde muso Yoko Ono, his career continues to taxi on the runway. Which brings us to Francis Bean Cobain, Kurt ‘n’ Courtney’s offspring. Apart from providing some guest vocals on a friend’s LP, the 19-yearold has so far steered clear of a music career. And with a rock star lineage like hers – junkie parents, one dead from suicide aged 27, the other as mad as a cut snake – who could really blame her?

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PUBLIC ENEMY Forum, 9-17 Highgate Road, NW5 1JY THUR SEP 8 | DOORS AT 7 PM | £25

In a few weeks we’ll be opining volubly about just how game-changing Nirvana’s Nevermind was 20 years ago. But let’s also not forget hip hop trailblazers Public Enemy, whose seminal, urgent Fear Of A Black Planet was released only a year before Nevermind and similarly tore up the musical landscape.

With their previous album, 1988’s It Takes A Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, the New York City Public Enemy had already pioneered a politically charged version of hardcore rap that was as controversial as it was revolutionary. On it, the charismatic front man Chuck D (pictured with flamboyant sidekick Flavor Flav) rhymed about the types of social problems plaguing black communities, often encouraging direct action as a way to solve them.

Fear Of A Black Planet built on this foundation of pro-black consciousness and included such tunes as Welcome To The Terrodome; 911 Is a Joke, which took emergency response units to task for not coming to the aid of black communities fast enough; and the indelible, rousing Fight The Power, still regarded as one of the most influential songs in hip hop history.

When you think about some of the musical crimes committed in hip hop’s name these days – Fifty Cent, Lil Wayne, I’m looking at you – it’s difficult to cast your mind back to a time when the genre was a force to be reckoned with. As part of All Tomorrow’s Parties ‘Don’t Look Back’ series, Public Enemy will be performing Fear Of A Black Planet in its entirety. So here’s your chance to get reacquainted. venues.meanfiddler.com

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DOLLY PARTON

NEW BAND

GIG SEP 7-8. 7PM From £55

When The White Stripes covered one of Dolly Parton’s brilliantly penned tunes, Jolene, in 2000, the Country & Western/pop crossover artist suddenly became cool. Everyone from Bjork to Radiohead’s Thom Yorke claimed to be fans. Now 65, with seven Grammys under her belt, Parton’s back to plug her latest album, Better Day – the 41st studio release of her long, prolific career.

Photos: Getty, TNT

The O2 Peninsular Sq, SE10 0DX o2.co.uk North Greenwich

DJ YODA

ELECTRO VS. DUBSTEP WARS W/ STEVE AOKI

CLUB

CLUB

SAT, SEP 10. 8PM £14.50

SAT, SEP 10. 9PM £13.50

After selling out the IMAX and Koko, DJ Yoda continues his steady trajectory to the big time with a new live AV spectacular extravaganza at the Roundhouse. Q Magazine once described the London turntablist as “one of the ten DJs to see before you die” so here’s your chance. Support comes from cut ‘n’ paste exponent DJ Cheeba.

Not a showdown between the two genres but more a demonstration on how they have cross-pollinated. Promoters The Playground have handpicked some of the industry’s filthiest dubstep acts to rub shoulders with producers working on the darker side of electro. US electrohouse muso Steve Aoki headlines.

Roundhouse Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH roundhouse.org.uk Chalk Farm

Koko 1a Camden High St, NW1 7JE koko.uk.com Mornington Crescent

RADIO 2 LIVE IN HYDE PARK

DJ SHADOW

EAST 17

GIG

CLUB

GIG

SUN, SEP 11. 2.30PM £32.50

SEP 7-9. 7PM £22.50

THUR, SEP 8. 7PM £30

BBC 2 provides a chance to enjoy the last dregs of summer with this park-based festival.

Lionel ‘Dancing On The Ceiling’ Richie will be headlining alongside Brit MOR singer-songwriter James Blunt and Will Young. Dutch jazz-new comer Caro Emerald, Lenny Kravitz and Irish rockabilly act Imelda May are also worth a look.

Never one to play things safe, Californian hip hop innovator DJ Shadow (Josh Davis) released his third album The Outsider in 2006 to huge critical acclaim, while alienating many of his fans in the process. Now he’s back to preview hotly anticipated new LP The Less You Know, The Better, a warning to fans if ever there was one.

They may have been one of the biggest boy bands of the mid-nineties but unlike their rivals Take That, East 17 failed to inspire the same level of panty-wetting nostalgia among their female fans. Which is why Take That sold out stadia but, East 17 will have to make do with more modest venues for their UK renunion tour.

Hyde Park W2 seetickets.com Green Park

Village Underground 54 Holywell Lane, EC2A3PQ villageunderground.co.uk Old Street

Islington Academy N1 Centre, 16 Parkfield St, N1 0PS o2academyislington.co.uk Angel

CAT’S EYES THE BUZZ SO FAR When he’s not fronting The Horrors, neo-goth poster boy Faris Badwan is busy working on his new side project with soprano Rachel Zeffira.

Together the duo have hit on an experimental, symphonic take on girl-group pop, as evidenced on their self-titled album, which was recorded with a little help from New Order/Happy Mondays producer Steve Osborne at Peter Gabriel’s Real World Studios.

THE CRITICS SAY “Cat’s Eyes stir up the spirits of Cowboy Junkies, My Bloody Valentine, and, when Badwan and Zeffira combine voices, Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood.”

Guardian THE PLUG QEH, Southbank Centre, Mon Sep 5. 7.30pm £16.50 SE1 8XX southbankcentre.co.uk Waterloo.

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CLUBLISTINGS MONDAY 5 Happy Monday Chill-out anthems courtesy of the residents. Thirst, Greek St, W1D 3DR (020 7437 1977).

5pm-3am. £3, free before 10pm.

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Temptation Pop, R‘n’B, dance and cheese with resident DJs. Zoo Bar, Bear St, WC2H 7AQ (020 7839 4188).

10pm-3am. £15, £8 before 10pm, free before 8pm, guestlist £10.

BOOK NOW!

Yoyo Seb Chew and Leo Greenslade hip-hop, dubstep, garage, grime and bassline.

Notting Hill Arts Club, Notting Hill Gate, W11 3JQ (020 7460 4459).

7.30pm-2am. £7, £5 before 11pm.

Hard Core Salsa DJ Mario plays mambo and salsa, plus dance lessons. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 6pm-2am, last adm 1am. £4, free before 9pm.

I Love Mondays DJ Victor spins commercial dance, disco, pop, garage, R‘n’B and funky house.

Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/cc 020 7287 3727).

10pm-3.30am. £5, NUS £1.

Monday Midnight Mass Nicos and Shane spin indie and rock.

12 Bar Club, Denmark Place, WC2H 8NL (020 7240 2622). 11pm-3am. £3.

Rehab DJs Val, Satoko, Zoe Demonettes, Joe, Saral and Hale supply indie, electro and pop.

The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, £1 before 10.30pm.

Service Industry Night DJ Colin Russell and Donald Sweeneey spin R‘n’B, hip-hop and chart. Rumba, Shaftesbury Ave, W1D 7EP (020 7287 2715).

10pm-3am. £7, £5 before midnight, free w/payslip before midnight.

TUESDAY 6 Forca Brasil DJ Fred spins salsa, samba and Latin tunes, plus live bands. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 6pm-2am, last adm 1am. £4, free before 9pm.

Latino Sound DJ Kirisis and CLI play R‘n’B, hip-hop and dance.

Sound, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (0333 240 1010). 9pm-late. £5-£10.

Movimientos Cal Jader and Arias play Latin, house, funk, urban and electro, plus live music from Namvula Rennie, Remolino Quieto and 7Suns. Notting Hill Arts Club, Notting Hill Gate, W11 3JQ (020 7460 4459). 7pm-2am. £5.

Panic! Max, Gaz and That Perfect Fumble play indie, electro and post-punk. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098).

10pm-3am. £5, w/flyer/NUS £3.

White Heat DJs Matty, Marcus and Olly play indie, punk and electro. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040).

8pm-3am. £6, adv £4 & £5.

FRIDAY 9

FORD AND LOPATIN The Rhythm Factory, Saturday, September 17. From £5 American electro duo Ford And Lopatin are back with their new album Channel Pressure and a stunning synth-heavy one-off show.

E1 1EW

rhythmfactory.co.uk

WEDNESDAY 7 Cheapskates Old school hip-hop, electro and disco courtesy of DJ Downfall.

Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/cc 020 7287 3727).

9pm-3am. £6, NUS £5, w/flyer £4.

Dance Nights Princess Karina and DJ Gary Baldi spin dance hits. EC3 Live, Crosswall, EC3N 2JY (020 7488 1766). 11.30pm-3am. £10.

Diffrent Strokes Manny Norte, Phatcatz, Maintain, CJ I DJ, Lonyo and MOBO Award winner and Kiss FM DJ Manny Norte play neo soul, 1980s pop, US house, funk and R‘n’B. Cherryjam, Porchester Rd, W2 6ET (020 7727 9950).

9pm-2am. £10, £5 before 11pm.

Filthy Habits Student Night DJs play chart hits from the 1980s, 1990s and now. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098).

8.30pm-3am. £5, NUS £3.

Guanabara Samba School Samba, Afrobeat, pop, house and nu disco, plus Capoeira masterclasses, break dancers, Brazilian street food and cocktail making. Guanabara, Parker St, WC2B 5PW (020 7242 8600).

5pm-late. £5, free before 9pm.

N*A*S*I*N SoniX, Brahim and Punk Gareth play punk, rock, metal and ska. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). 11pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £4, NUS £3, mems £2.

Aldgate East

Trannyshack Miss Dusty O, Tasty Tim and Lady Lloyd spin commercial dance and pop.

Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 10pm-3am. £6, w/flyer £3, free before midnight.

THURSDAY 8 C’est La Vie DJ Colin Francis plays house and commercial dance classics. Embassy, Old Burlington St, W1S 3AP (020 7851 0956). 10pm3am. £20, ladies free before 11.30pm.

Deepo Ivaylo, Olanski, Patrick Turner, Asad Rizvi and Fresh Tee supply house and deep bass. The LightBox, South Lambeth Place, SW8 1SP (020 7434 1113).

10pm-6am. £15, concs £10.

DJ Shadow Instrumental hip-hop, experimental electronica, turntablism and audio-visuals from the Californian DJ and producer. Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). 7.30pm-late. £17.50.

The Night Shift Three musicians from the renowned Orchestra Of The Age Of Enlightenment play music from the Baroque era, with contemporary DJ sets between and afterwards. The Star Of Kings, York Way, N1 0AX (020 7278 9708).

8pm-late. £10, adv £6, NUS £4.

Roller Disco Funk and disco for a wheeled audience. Renaissance Rooms, opposite Arch 8, Arches, Miles St, SW8 1RZ (0844 736 5375).

8pm-midnight. £10, £7.50 skate hire.

Club 414 Presents Alex Mac, Zeebra Kid, Skol, Roosta, Jamie Tennant, Matt Ashton and Dean G spin hard dance, trance and house. Club 414, Coldharbour Ln, SW9 8LF (020 7924 9322). 11pm7am. £12, £8 before midnight, ladies/mems free before midnight.

Comburo DJ Raz, Chloe Fontaine and Unknown Audio play deep house and tech-house. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-midnight. Free.

Euphoria Angel Kiss, Oliver MARSH, Intro, Marc Phill, MEF and DJ AD play electro, house, techno, pop, dance and R‘n’B. Euphoriom, High St, W3 6NG (0208 993 2915). 9pmlate. £10, ladies free before 11pm.

Play Milton Jackson, Deporto, Georgia Girl, Yse, Rob Mello, Zaki, Ryan Styles, Ryan Bliss and Clips Rec spin house, techno and drum‘n’bass. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 10pm7am. £15, adv £10, concs £10 before 1am, mems free before 11.30pm.

Shipwrecked! Cabaret and burlesque entertainment from Miss Tempest Rose, Betsy Rose, Audacity Chutzpah, Jolie Papillion, Mr Meredith, Leonie Soprano and Amazing Grace.

Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 7.30pm-3am. £10.

Tribe Culoe De Song, Zepherin Saint, Matt L-S and Kristelle Mor spin deep house and soulful house.

Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730). 10pm-5am. £10.

Vegas Baby: Return To Sin City Ian Hadassi, Danni Murray, Antoni James, Ali Dawson, Nick Wolanski, Aaron Rhodes, Edd Tomlinson, Massimo Ramon and Hertzen Stefanel play house, disco, electro and techno. Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR (0845 371 4489).

11pm-6am. £20, adv £15, NUS £10.

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SATURDAY 10 Heroes Coyu, Hermanez, Patrick Chardronett, Juan Kidd, Deepgroove, Warboy, A Man To Pet and Dietrich In France play dance, disco, electro and house. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 10pm7am. £20, w/flyer £15, adv £13.50.

Liberator 20 Years Chris, Aaron and Julian Liberator spin techno and acid techno across two rooms. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/cc 020 7274 5537).

10pm-6am. £12, adv £8.

The Playground Electronica, dubstep, techno, house and rock courtesy of Steve Aoki, Modestep, Does It Offend You Yeah?, Mixhell, Bar 9, Roksonix, Genetix and Autoerotique.

Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). 9pm-4am. £13.50.

Ridonkuloose Mickey O, Marky Mark Fairweather and DJ Smashbox spin house and electro.

Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 6pm-midnight, free.

Soundcrash Boat Party Craig Charles, DJ Cheeba, Jon Kennedy and Soundcrash DJs spin funk and soul. Temple Pier, Victoria Embankment, WC2R 2PN (07958 650117). 2pm-6pm. £22.

SUNDAY 11 In The Box DJs Enzo Gomes, Manjit, Clubholic, Kid K and Beppe Gallo play dance and electro.

Club 414, Coldharbour Ln, SW9 8LF (020 7924 9322). 7pm-1am. £10, £5 before 9pm, ladies free before 9pm.

Orange The Oli, Paul Martin and The Sharp Boys spin house in room one, while Gonzola Rivas, David Jiminez and Hi Fi Sean provide minimal techno and tech-house in room two. Fire, South Lambeth Rd, SW8 1UQ (020 7582 9890).

11pm-9am. £12, £10 before midnight, w/flyer £6 before midnight.

Sunday Sessions Manuel De Le Mare provides deep house and techno.

Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 2pm-11pm, free.

WetYourSelf Marc Antona, Altino, Peter Pixzel, Cormac and Jacob Husley spin house, techno and electro. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898). 11pm-6am. £10, adv £8, £6 after 3am, NUS £5.

Photos: TNT

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MONDAY 5 Cat’s Eyes Symphonic experimental pop from soprano Rachel Zeffira and The Horrors frontman Faris Badwan. Southbank Centre, Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX (020 7960 4200/cc 0844 875 0073). £16.50, concs £8.25.

Grouplove The California-based five-piece plays electro-tinged indie-rock. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £9.

Inlay, The Raven Traditional and contemporary folk by the Norwich-formed band.

The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £8.

Lightning Dust Folk-tinged indierock by the Vancouver-based band. The Lexington, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JB (020 7837 5371). £9.

TUESDAY 6 Austra Electronica from the Canadian three-piece.

The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). £10.50.

Blonde Redhead Alt rock by the New York-based trio.

Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £17.50.

My First Tooth, Keston Cobblers Club, Boxes The Northampton-based four-piece plays folk-pop and country.

The Old Queen’s Head, Essex Rd, N1 8LN (020 7354 9993). £7, adv £5.

Doug Paisley Indie-folk singer-songwriter from Toronto.

The Old Blue Last, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3ES (020 7739 7033). £9.

Teebs, Jeremiah Jae, My Panda Shall Fly Electro-dance by the Los Angeles-based artist.

Corsica Studios, Elephant Rd, SE17 1LB (020 7703 4760). £9.

Yellowcard The American five-piece performs acoustic pop-rock. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £15.

Ian Anderson The Dunfermlineborn singer-songwriter and Jethro Tull frontman performs acoustic rock. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £26.

Amy Wadge & Pete Riley Folk-pop and Americana by the Pontypridd-based two-piece.

Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £10.

The Drums The New York-based four-piece plays post-punk. Hoxton Square Bar And Kitchen, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7613 0709). £12.50.

The Family Stone, The Ronnie Scott’s All Stars Funk and funkrock from the band featuring original members Jerry Martini, Cynthia Robinson and Greg Errico.

Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £30-£50.

SATURDAY 10

Kurt Vile & The Violators, Woods Pop-rock outfit from Philadelphia. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). £12.50.

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Batmobile, Caravans, Wigsville Spliffs The Dutch outfit plays psychobilly. Relentless Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/cc 0844 847 1678). £15.

FRIDAY 9

THE NAKED AND FAMOUS Roundhouse, Thursday, November 10. £16.50 Still dining out on the success of their debut album, Passive Me, Aggressive You, the MGMT soundalikes from New Zealand return to town this autumn.

Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH

Roundhouse.org.uk

WEDNESDAY 7 Tom Baxter Acoustic folk-rock from the Devon-based singersongwriter.The Slaughtered Lamb, Great Sutton St, EC1V 0DX (020 7253 1516). £10.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Indie-rock by the New Yorkbased band. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). £14.

John Grant And Midlake The Denver-born singer-songwriter plays indie-folk from his album Queen Of Denmark with his former collaborators and labelmates.

Southbank Centre, Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX (020 7960 4200/cc 0844 875 0073). £15-£20, concs £7.50-£10.

Jolie Holland The American singer-songwriter performs folk and country. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £13.50.

Dolly Parton The award-winning singer-songwriter and country music veteran performs her hits. O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £55-£75.

Chalk Farm

The Whip Electronica and dancepunk from the three-piece. Hoxton Square Bar And Kitchen, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7613 0709). £10.

THURSDAY 8 Chairlift Electro-pop from the American two-piece.

Shacklewell Arms, Shacklewell Ln, E8 2EB (020 7249 0810). £10.50.

East 17 The chart-topping boy band from the 1990s returns with a new line-up with vocalist Blair Dreelan joining Tony Mortimer, John Hendy and Terry Coldwell to perform their pop hits. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £17.50 & £30.

Darren Hanlon Indie-folk from the Australian singersongwriter. 100 Club, Oxford St, W1D 1LL (020 7636 0933). £11.

Public Enemy The socially-conscious hip-hop pioneers perform their album Fear Of A Black Planet in its entirety. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7344 0044). £25.

Spooky Men’s Chorale Harmonyinfused traditional and folk music from the Australian group.

Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £14.

The Rapture Dance-rock from the New York-based three-piece, promoting its third studio album, In The Grace Of Your Love. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £15.

Kate Voegele Pop-rock from the American singer and guitarist.

Dingwalls, Camden Lock, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AB (020 7428 0010/ cc 020 7428 5929). £10.

Soul Fiesta Latin-influenced funk and soul from the six-piece.

Dover St Restaurant And Bar, Dover St, W1S 4LQ (020 7629 9813). £12, free before 10pm.

Covenant, Revolution By Night, Swarf Industrial electronica from the Swedish outfit.

O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £15.

Cantabile - The London Quartet The four-piece vocal group comprising counter-tenor Richard Bryan, tenors Richard Brooks and Mark Fleming and baritone Michael Steffan performs humourinfused melodies which embrace comedy and the classics. Bridewell Theatre, Bride Ln, off Fleet St, EC4Y 8EQ (020 7353 3331). £15, concs £10.

Kenny Lynch And The Laurie Holloway Trio Easy listening and pop by the veteran singer, actor, dancer and comedian. Boisdale’s Of Canary Wharf, Cabot Hall, E14 4QT (020 7715 5818). £5-£20.

Nina Ferro, Lance Ellington Australian-born jazz and soul singer. Pizza Express Jazz Club, Dean St, W1D 3RW (020 7437 9595/ cc 0845 602 7017). £15.

Owl City, Unicorn Kid, Breanne Duren Soaring electronic pop from singer-songwriter, musician and Minnesota native Adam Young, made famous with his charttopping debut single, Fireflies. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £19.50.

Joan As Police Woman Alt pop and indie-rock from the American singer-songwriter, promoting her album The Deep Field. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £18.50.

Los Pacaminos The band, led by vocalist Paul Young, plays Americana. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £12.

Kiscsillag, Mindpilot Alt rock with elements of prog by the Hungarian band. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £13.

The Sidewalk Doctors The Londonbased outfit plays reggae and ska.

Arch 1 Members Club, Cranberry Ln, E16 4BJ (07946 702 955). £10, adv £7.

London African Music Festival: Etienne Mbappe World funk and jazz by the Paris-based virtuoso bassplayer and colleagues. The Jazz Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7PG (020 7485 6834/ cc 0870 060 3777). £17.50, concs £15.

SUNDAY 11

Willy Mason, The Staves, Dan Lefkowitz The US-based singer performs Americana, folk and blues. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £15.

Sam Baker Acoustica from the singer-songwriter. Cecil Sharp House, Regents Park Rd, NW1 7AY (020 7485 2206). £12.50.

Gorgasm, Defeated Sanity, Amagortis Death metal from the American outfit. Relentless Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/cc 0844 847 1678). £14.

Rotten Hill Gang, The Black Crayon Theatre The London-based crew fuses film soundtracks, rock riffs and gritty vocals into its hip-hop sound. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). £8.

Shonen Knife Pop-punk from the pioneering trio from Osaka, Japan. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). £13.50.

Toots And The Maytals Ska and reggae from the veteran Jamaican outfit. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £29.50.

Natalie Williams Soul Family Jazz and soul from the London-based singer-songwriter and band.

Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £15-£28.50.

Vains Of Jenna Sleazy rock from the Swedish outfit. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £9.

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New Zealand v Tonga Sep 9, Eden Park; France v Japan Sep 10, North Harbour Stadium; Tonga v Canada Sep 14, Northland Events Centre; New Zealand v Japan Sep 16, Waikato Stadium; France v Canada Sep 18, McLean Park; Tonga v Japan Sep 21, Northland Events Centre; New Zealand v France Sep 24, Eden Park; Canada v Japan Sep 27, McLean Park; France v Tonga Oct 1, Wellington Regional Stadium; New Zealand v Canada Oct 2, Wellington Regional Stadium Scotland v Romania Sep 10, Rugby Park Stadium; Argentina v England Sep 10, Forsyth Barr Stadium; Scotland v Georgia Sep 14, Rugby Park Stadium; Argentina v Romania Sep 17, Rugby Park Stadium; England v Georgia Sep 18, Forsyth Barr Stadium; England v Romania Sep 24, Forsyth Stadium; Argentina v Scotland Sep 25, Wellington Regional Stadium; Georgia v Romania Sep 28, Arena Manawatu; England v Scotland Oct 1, Eden Park; Argentina v Georgia Oct 2, Arena Manawatu Australia v Italy Sep 11, North Harbour Stadium; Ireland v United States Sep 11, Stadium Taranaki; Russia v United States Sep 15, Stadium Taranaki; Australia v Ireland Sep 17, Eden Park; Italy v Russia Sep 20, Trafalgar Park; Australia v United States Sep 23, Wellington Regional Stadium; Ireland v Russia Sep 25, Rotorua International Stadium; Italy v United States Sep 27, Trafalgar Park; Australia v Russia Oct 1, Trafalgar Park; Ireland v Italy Oct 2, Forsyth Barr Stadium Fiji v Namibia Sep 10, Rotorua International Stadium; South Africa v Wales Sep 11, Wellington Regional Stadium; Samoa v Namibia Sep 14, Rotorua International Stadium; South Africa v Fiji Sep 17, Wellington Regional Stadium; Wales v Samoa Sep 18, Waikato Stadium; South Africa v Namibia Sep 22, North Harbour Stadium; Fiji v Samoa Sep 25, Eden Park; Wales v Namibia Sep 26, Stadium Taranaki; South Africa v Samoa Sep 30, North Harbour Staidum; Wales v Fiji Oct 2, Waikato Stadium

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The Little Angel Theatre specialises in puppetry, programming and producing some truly ambitious works 22

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With strings still attached The Little Angel Theatre, the creative heartbeat behind British puppetry, is celebrating 50 years since its opening WORDS TOM STURROCK

These performers have waited 50 years for their encore. All this time, they’ve been hidden away, still in the outfits they wore for their curtain-call back in 1961. Fortunately, they’re not normal actors, but puppets – marionettes, built to last and lovingly restored. And, at the Little Angel Theatre, tucked away behind the hustle and bustle of Upper St in Islington, they’re the stars of the show. The first play ever performed at the Little Angel Theatre was The Wild Night Of The Witches, and it’s being revived this weekend, using the original puppets. It’s a reunion special that’s been half a century in the making.

The show’s director, Ronnie Le Drew, is one of the country's most in-demand puppeteers. His 50-year career in the industry has come full circle, all the way back to the unobtrusive little theatre where it all began.

“I started at 15 – I was quite young and just knocked on the door of the Little Angel Theatre,” Le Drew recalls. “They didn’t pay me any money but I did a kind of apprenticeship and my favourite job was bagging the puppets up after the show. They were all marionettes in those days and, having watched them on stage, getting my hands on them was great. And at lunchtimes, I’d work with the puppets on my own, learning how to handle them and control them.”

Those stolen hours spent learning how to operate the puppets – making them move, making them act – served Le Drew well, kickstarting a sprawling career in theatre, film and TV. He’s worked with a who’s who of famous puppets – they were his hands behind Zippie on Rainbow and he also did a stint as Sooty, the nation’s favourite glove puppet.

But if TV puppets have traditionally cultivated a younger audience, their presence in the theatre is often accompanied by a moodier, more challenging tone. Puppets, on the stage, are not just for kids.

“It’s changed – the Little Angel has changed puppetry a lot,” Le Drew says. “You’ve got to stretch people a bit, even kids. You can’t just serve everything on a plate.

“The last few years, we’ve had War Horse having worldwide success, things like Avenue Q and also puppets in the English National Opera. So puppets have become quite high-profile and people are realising it’s not just for children.

It’s becoming really established as a medium and I think the British public, they’re used to seeing puppets on TV, but they’re embracing them in theatres as well.”

When it comes to marionettes – string-puppets – there is an exquisite technical skill required. It can take years to become adept at controlling a marionette and the planning that goes into a production is exhaustive.

“The distance between the operator and the puppet on the stage is probably six feet – you’ve got to be able to manoeuvre the puppet to give a believable performance,” Le Drew says.

“There’s a lot of plotting the scenes, looking down from up on the bridge, and going through how the puppets will walk, how they’ll tilt their heads, all the details.”

And, just as actors in a stage-show will spend hours in rehearsal, learning their movements as well as their lines,

“

On stage, puppets aren’t just for kids

”

puppet operators must do the same. It is not only the movements of the puppets that must be co-ordinated, though, but also those of the operators, working unseen above-stage.

“You’ll go through it all, scene by scene, and there might be times when the operators will swap over, where you’ll have two people working an extra string – it’s very collaborative,” Le Drew says. “It’s exactly the same as the way actors might plot their movements around a stage – they’ll write in their scripts ››

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Imagination is the only limit that they move upstage or downstage. And while you’re moving your puppet around, you mustn’t get in the way of whoever’s operating the puppet next to you, or get in the way of the lighting, which is crucial.”

The Little Angel also runs courses, teaching amateurs and professionals alike to make and operate puppets. It is, according to general manager Lynette Shanbury, part of the theatre’s ongoing mission to promote the medium and its esoteric skill-set.

“It’s one of our aims to maintain and raise the profile of the art form,” Shanbury says. “We believe that, to do that, we have to support the proliferation of new work, puppet skills and puppet-making skills.”

Indeed, the theatre’s slate is never empty, taken up with constant planning for upcoming shows, its craftsmen then deployed to create all the required puppets and their costumes from scratch. It is a serious operation.

“We’ll start working on a production between one year and two years in advance and we’ll be thinking about it for even longer,” Shanbury says. “In that final year of production, it’s full-on. We have two-to-three months of visiting companies. And the rest of the year it’s all our own stuff. We produce between two and five shows a year.”

The Little Angel is exceptional in that its stage is custombuilt for puppet shows. It’s not dual-use; it doesn’t simply get tweaked before reverting to hosting all-human productions.

It allows the Little Angel to program and produce truly

The theatre’s workshop never stops 24

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ambitious works and, as Shanbury points out, using puppets opens up new possibilities.

“It’s a very visual art form and it lends itself to anything that you can represent in an exciting and imaginative way,” she says. “Sometimes it lends itself to stories that actors can’t do. For example, puppets can fly, while actors can’t. There are no tricks involved. It’s just your imagination.”

After The Wild Night Of The Witches is revived this weekend, the Little Angel will host half a dozen short-run touring productions before the Suspense Festival, which aims to expose new audiences to the marvels of puppet theatre, begins at the end of October.

“It’s incredibly varied but it’s all for adults. That’s the main aim of the festival,” Shanbury says. “We’ve got international companies coming in – from Iran, Georgia, Austria – and there’s every type of puppetry, from classic, to shadow puppetry, to table-top. We have some late-night puppet cabaret as well, which is a bit more risqué.

“If people have never seen a puppet show, they should look at the brochure because they’ll find something that interests them – there’s such an eclectic mix, from the classic to the avant-garde to performances that just look stunning and gorgeous.” ❚ The Little Angel Theatre 14 Dagmar Passage, N1 2DN Angel To find out about upcoming shows, see littleangeltheatre.com

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Mark Kermode The outspoken film critic on why the Multiplex has ruined cinema and why Baz Lurhmann should avoid 3D INTERVIEW ALISON GRINTER

In your new book, The Good, The Bad And The Multiplex, you admit people don’t take much notice of critics when they are deciding on which film to see.

Are film critics redundant then?

Film criticism doesn’t exist to tell people what to see and what not to see, and it certainly doesn’t seem to affect box office – the idea that critics can kill a movie is demonstrably not true.

The role of the critic is to write about films in a way which contextualises them, describes them adequately, offers an honest response from the critic, and, if you’re lucky, entertains the reader/ listener and makes them laugh. That’s true of the critics I admire, like Nigel Floyd or Alan Jones.

I want to read a review by someone who has seen more movies than I have and might tell me something interesting. The one area where I think critics do have a role in relation to the box office is to raise the profile of a film that might otherwise be overlooked.

Photos: TNT

You rail against multiplex movie culture in your book – why?

The primary role of going to the cinema is to see films. In the past, two or three projectionists would work to run the film, ushers would police the auditorium and going to the cinema would be as much a performance as going to the theatre. Now people can talk on their mobile phones and there’s no one to stop them. And if the film starts projecting at the wrong ratio there’s no one in the projectionist box to fix it. That’s not cinema, that’s like sitting in your front room with a bunch of strangers you don’t like, watching the television but not being able to correct the ratio. Cinema means watching a film projected properly, with other people who want to see film in an auditorium. That’s why downloads should be released simultaneously with film releases, so people who want to watch the film at home can do that.

3D films are another pet hate of yours.

What do you think of Baz Lurhmann’s idea to film The Great Gatsby in 3-D? I’ve met Baz Lurhmann and he’s breathtaking company but when I read about him doing The Great Gatsby in 3D, I just laughed. What I can imagine was being in the room with him when he told you 3D was a good idea and everyone

Mark Kermode takes film very seriously would have gone, “Yeah!” and the minute they stepped out of the room you’d be: “What!?” I can’t see any reason for doing that film in 3D. What’s the most critical thing you’ve ever written about a film?

I remember reviewing Little Man [2006, starring Shawn and Marlon Wayans], a crass comedy and I said: “It’s evil and [Radio 5 Live co-presenter] Simon Mayo said: “What, it’s possessed?” And I said: “Yes, it’s possessed by the devil.” It was a genuinely horrible film – not just bad, but putrid and wrong.

British actor Danny Dyer threatened you with violence after you savaged some of his film performances – are you ready to take him on?

He does it all the time, it’s like he’s got Tourette’s! But I’m never going to meet him because I don’t go to the places he frequents and it’s just such an absurd thing for him to say.

I don’t know how to respond to someone who goes [doing his best high-pitched Danny Dyer impression]: “Ooh! I’m gonna hit ‘im!!!” I just can’t take that seriously.

You were with director Werner Herzog when he got shot by an air rifle in Los Angeles. A weird experience?

I was interviewing him for The Culture Show

and he was just talking about how hostile Los Angeles was towards filmmakers and then there was this crack, an explosion in the waistband of his trousers and I thought that a firecracker had gone off in his pocket. And then he said: “Oh someone’s shooting at us we should probably leave.” He genuinely didn’t bat an eyelid. It was just some completely random whacko with an air rifle. Herzog had just been saying something like: “I attract crazy people.” Well no shit, Sherlock!

What three films would you take to a desert island with you?

Mary Poppins – it’s one of my top ten films of all time, I just love it and everytime I see it, it makes me cry; Silent Running, a 1970s science fiction film by Douglas Trumbull starring Bruce Dern; and The Exorcist. In a way I don’t really need to take the The Exorcist to a desert island because I’ve seen it so many times [Kermode claims to have seen the film 200 times] that I’ve got it in my head anyway. So I’d take Woody Allen’s Love And Death, a pastiche of epic Russian novels instead. It always has me rolling around on the floor in laughter.

Appearing at the Ritzy Picturehouse to promote new book The Good, The Bad And The Multiplex, out Sep 8 through Random House. Coldharbour Lane, SW2 1JG picturehouses.co.uk Brixton Fri, Sep 9. £15.

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JANE EYRE FILM review by Alison Grinter STARRING: Mia Wasikowska, Michael Fassbender, Jamie Bell | PG | 115mins

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS FILM STARRING: Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis 15 | 104mins

A rom-com about friends who sleep with each other while maintaining an otherwise unromantic relationship?

Sounds like it has all the necessary ingredients to make it a run-of-themill, cliched rom-com. But director Will Gluck pokes fun at the genre with this flick starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis as the impossibly beautiful fuck buddies.

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The challenge facing any director of a bonnet-buster is how to make it relevant to film fans more at ease with action flicks or anodyne rom-coms.

On the face of it, Charlotte Brontë’s classic romantic tale of a lowly governess who melts the heart of her master, and discovers his terrible secret in the process, might sound staid and old-fashioned. But in the hands of director Cary Fukunaga it is brought thrillingly to life with a stellar cast, a dynamic screenplay and lush cinematography.

As fans of the book will appreciate, Jane’s “plainness” is key to the story, and Mia Wasikowksa, usually luminous on celluloid, frumps up pretty well with a severe centre parting. Wasikowska personifies Jane’s vulnerability and strength perfectly, and sparks fly between her and Michael Fassbender’s wild-eyed Rochester, whose inner turmoil threatens to tip over into violence.

As is often the case with epic novels adapted for screen, the story feels compressed in places. Jane’s and Rochester’s friendship goes from naught to 60 a bit too rapidly and the film’s denouement unravels too quickly. But these are minor quibbles. Special mention must go to the sound engineer who has created an intimate atmosphere by capturing organic sounds – crackling fires, howling winds – and the cinematographer who reveals the elemental beauty of the moors.

In all, this is a passionate realisation of a classic tale and never threatens to get bogged down in melodrama.

GOOD FOR: Fans of the book or anyone who loves a good old-fashioned love story.

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GIVE US A

NEIL HAMBURGER

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

Putting the phlegm back in phelgmatic, Neil Hamburger’s distinctly Marmite brand of stand-up has thrilled, perplexed and repulsed audiences worldwide. Hamburger is actually a character created by US musician and comedian Gregg Turkington, and he’s a misanthropic one at that who hurls abuse at celebs, his ex-wife and modern life in general.

Ha ha!

Soho Theatre 21 Dean St, W1D 3NE. Until Sep 10. £15 sohotheatre.com Tottenham Court Rd

ROTHKO IN BRITAIN

BERNARDA ALBA

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

Russian-American painter Mark Rothko hit upon his signature ‘colour-field’ painting style during the late 1940s and didn’t look back. In 1961 the Whitechapel Gallery held the first solo show of Rothko’s work in Britain and now, 40 years on, it’s celebrating with an exhibition that highlights the painter’s links to these shores.

Garcia Lorca’s 1936 classic gets a musical makeover from Michael John LaChiusa. The five daughters of twice-widowed Bernarda Alba – played with a bitter force by Beverley Klein – ooze frustration and repressed sexual desire while the stamp and swirl of flamenco intensify the brooding sensation of impending tragedy. LK

Whitechapel Gallery 77-82 Whitechapel High St, E1 7PT. Sep 9-Feb 26. Free whitechapelgallery.org Aldgate E

Union Theatre 204 Union Street, SE1 0LX. Until Sep 17. £16 uniontheatre.biz Southwark

ROB BECKETT Tell us a joke My funny-looking face is one big joke.

People often mistake you for Jeff Brazier or Boris Johnson. Which is worse? I think Boris is worse, Jeff Brazier is not a bad looking bloke – Boris is a lunatic. A little old lady called me Quasimodo the other day, which was pretty offensive.

Photos: TNT, Simon Annand

Have you ever died on stage?

I once died at this weird restaurant gig in east London. They just turned away and started chatting like it was a normal restaurant with no entertainment. I just ploughed on, literally talking to myself in a restaurant with a microphone.

A LONELY PLACE TO DIE

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STARRING: Melissa George | 15 | 99mins

Bartlett Sher’s recast hit Broadway production of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s 1949 musical seems to have lost a touch of magic on its transatlantic journey. Praise to Samantha Womack’s engaging Nurse Nellie Forbush, defying a broken toe to “Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair” but it’s the gorgeous melodies which make this show. LK

From an incredibly slow start, with wide, panning shots of the Scottish Highlands, this turns into a fast-paced, action-packed movie.

Five mountaineers discover a young Serbian girl buried underground. After freeing her, their attempts to get her to safety are thwarted by the kidnappers, who, in turn, are being hunted by a Serbian war criminal’s hitmen. Gripping stuff. CD On general release

Barbican Silk Street, EC2Y 8DS. Until Oct 1. £15-£85 barbican.org.uk barbican

If you were to be reincarnated, what would you come back as?

A dog. They get stroked, free food and accommodation and don’t have to work. Perfect life.

What’s your porn star name? My first pet was a hamster called Marley and my street name is Invicta, so I’d be Marley Invicta. Sounds more like a detective than a porn star.

The Tommyfield, 185 Kennington Lane, SE11 4EZ. Thur, Sep 22. £5. thetommyfield.com

Kennington

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Angel of Hollywood The ex-Home & Away actress on taking the lead in her latest film A Lonely Place To Die, and finally admitting to dating a new man WORDS CAROL DRIVER

Melissa George starts giggling down the phone line. She pauses, trying to regain her composure. “Oh dear, I don’t know what to say to that. I guess the answer is that I’m very happy. I’m not going to state yes or no. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. Let’s put it that way,” she finally manages to say. Until now, George, 34, has remained tight-lipped about development in her love life. Having been married to director Claudio Dabed for 11 years, in July she was photographed with millionaire Russell Simmons – sending the global gossip mills into overdrive.

They made their first public appearance last month, further fuelling speculation, but have not released an official announcement. So is the actress dating the hip-hop and clothing mogul – who, at 53, is 19 years her senior?

“I guess so … I guess so,” she admits, hesitantly. “I can’t wipe the smile off my face and that’s because I’m in a very good head space right now.”

Until now during our conversation, George has sounded assertive and brimming with confidence. It’s clear she’s uncomfortable talking about her private life, so I suggest we get back to the reason for the interview – her new movie.

The Australian actress – best known for her role in the Nineties playing Angel in Home & Away – stars as lead female role Alison in A Lonely Place To Die. Directed by Julian Gilbey (Rise Of The Footsoldier), the thriller is shot in the remote Scottish Highlands and sees George and four other climbers embark on an expedition which leads to the discovery of a young girl buried in a box underground.

Cue an action-packed 60 minutes which has the group chased by a gang of Serbian kidnappers, who, in turn, are being hunted by a war criminal’s hitmen.

George admits to grabbing the opportunity with both hands – but it wasn’t purely because she loved the script.

“I want, as an actress, to be the lead and have the story be ‘her’,” she says. “For a female, there aren’t a lot of roles that are really dynamic, so, when you see one, I don’t care where it shoots, what country or what genre, I’m going to take it.

“It was my movie and, in this one, it’s the fact that she saves the day among all these male gangsters in the Scottish Highlands, and I just loved it.

“When you see a woman take charge in a film it’s

something you – as an actress – always want to take and you just hope that they offer it to you.”

There are some tough scenes throughout the movie.

Particularly gripping is the shot of George, clinging to the side of a mountain after her friend has plummeted to the

“

I can’t wipe the smile off my face right now

”

ground. She has to navigate the sheer drop to reach the bottom while rocks are pelted at her. She falls, hitting a tree before falling into the river below.

So did she do her own stunts? “That’s me; that’s all me,” she says. “It was a really hard shoot.

“I actually freaked the hell out of myself. Julian [Gilbey] put me on these mountains and said, ‘I just really want you to feel as though it’s happening’ and I said: ‘There’s no ››

Loved up: George and Simmons TNTMAGAZINE.COM

31

mistaking that, it was really happening.’ I’ve got the type of personality that can withstand a lot of hard, dramatic movies. And this was just a testament to being Australian in a way – we’re very hearty women.“ Since 1997, George has starred in more than 40 titles – from David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive, Derailed and The Amityville Horror to TV shows including Grey’s Anatomy, Friends and In Treatment, for which she received a Golden Globe nomination.

George explains there is a method to her madness in taking a range of roles across varying genres, but says she always intends to offer her fans her best.

“I’m one of the few actresses that will take a comedy or do a show like In Treatment, and then go out into the forest and do an action film for four months. I really enjoy working hard and taking the kind of roles that aren’t easy,” she says.

“For me, it’s all about diversity. It’s all about if you’re

32

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A Lonely Place To Die out now

Photos: Getty; TNT

Clockwise: at the Beverly Hilton Hotel; in A Lonely Place To Die; and as Angel in Home & Away

going to pick a movie by genre, then you’d better make it good. It’s fulfilling all the things I want to do.

“I take pride when walking in New York and everyone says, ‘Oh my god, you’re Laura from In Treatment’ … but they don’t know my work in the horror genre.

“If I’m going to make a horror film ... I’m not going to mess around with that genre. I’m going to take the best of the best, something that will make my horror fans proud.

“Then I’m going to take my action thrillers and do they well. Then when I do Grey’s Anatomy … I’m going to do that well as well.

“I like to be nutty; I like to be pushed to the edge of my strengths and if that’s going to do that, I’ll take the job.”

With that in mind, what’s next on the list for the actress who’s always keen to push herself?

“I’ve got really big news but I’m not allowed to tell you,” she teases. The only hint she will give is that she’ll be moving to London for the role. “And, I’m just signing a deal to a book I’ve been trying to get for five years, and I just got it – and that’s going to be my big role,” she adds – and won’t say another word about it, despite my questions.

So, it seems, despite wishing she was “sometimes” remembered for roles other than Angel, the girl from Summer Bay is doing good.

And, with a new love and exciting new signings, it’s unlikely that smile will fade from George’s face for a long time yet. ❚

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Escape London Fashion Week cliques … by celebrating the Great British High Street. With discounts, giveaways, parties and style tutorials, High Street Fashion Week is happening this week in stores up and down Oxford Street. T4’s Style The Nation will hold a shopper styling evening at New Look on Tuesday, where they’re also offering a 20 per cent discount. And on the same day, the London College of Fashion’s pop-up shop (which sells work from alumni) in The Plaza (theplazaoxfordstreet. co.uk) will be open for advice from industry pros about getting into fashion. Fast forward to Wednesday, shoppers can “vlog” (that’s video-blog) in Selfridges about their recent purchases and style icons. Later that evening, ethical fashion gets to shine with People Tree’s Naked Fashion book launch at John Lewis.

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LIFESTYLEHEALTH

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CLASS OF THE WEEK

THAI BOXING Not for those who don’t like getting sweaty, Thailand’s national sport, Muay Thai, is a hardcore workout.

With eight points of contact, expect to learn punches, kicks, elbow and knee strikes. It’s serious cardio, strength and flexibility training.

Women often steer clear of martial arts although, arguably, knowing some basic self defense should be a priority.

To get girls punching and kicking Muay Thai-style, Stars Gym is running a two-day females-only workshop with 11-time world Thai boxing champion Julie Kitchen and reigning world champion (and Stars Gym trainer) Alexis Rufus.

The workshop will take place on September 24-25 and is designed for women of all levels of fitness.

It will include Thai boxing, circuit training, running and yoga. Fitness boost guaranteed.

If you’re a fella, or if you’re a woman but can’t make those dates, don’t fear: Stars Gym runs regular Thai Boxing classes.

In-house pro trainer Rufus, who visits Thailand to brush up her skills, says: “I am a firm believer that if the mind is strong, then the physical possibilities are endless.”

Tour de London Seasoned cyclists give us the skinny on how to discover London on two wheels WORDS ALISON GRINTER With the advent of super highways and ‘Boris bikes’, there’s never been a better time to be a cyclist in London. Which is good news not just for commuters, or those using pedal power to get fit, but for anyone looking to discover the capital on two wheels. From scenic river towpaths to historical city streets, there are a limitless number of routes to explore.

We speak to some cycling experts who give us the lowdown on their favourite routes, so saddle up and prepare to hit the tarmac.

enjoy taking a ride from the north side of Tower Bridge and follow the Thames, most of it has cycle paths, and you can follow the river along right up to Canary Wharf.

“You can keep going past Canary Wharf via the Greenwich foot tunnel – I always come out at Greenwich which has a really gorgeous park.

“It’s just a really beautiful route and quiet – mostly away from heavy traffic so it’s a nice easy route. It’s probably about 15 miles.”

Andreas Kambanis, cycling blogger

Matt Goodes, owner of dialAbike (Victoria, SW1P 2HR) says ”I love my route to work from Epsom to Victoria. It’s not completely empty of traffic, but it’s a pleasure.

“I start at Worcester Park, go through Raynes Park and up to Wimbledon Common – which is lovely in the summer. Then I head down through Putney Common, over Putney Bridge, down the King’s Road and finish up along the embankment by the river.

All up it’s about 15 miles.”

”Whenever someone visits me I take them on the ‘Tour de Hyde Park’, which is basically a loop around Hyde Park using one of the hire bikes,” says Andreas Kambanis, founder of londoncyclist.co.uk.

“I start somewhere where there aren’t too many tourists, like the Notting Hill corner of the park.

“For something more involved I really

Matt Goodes, bike shop owner

Albion Riverside Building, 8 Hester Road, SW11 4AX starsgym.co.uk Sloane Square Battersea Park

Riding can be a vicious cycle at times 36

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Boris bikes have changed London

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Pedal power: there are endless cycle routes to explore in London

Ian McPherson, cycling tour guide Ian McPherson, head tour guide at Spoke ‘n Motion (guidedbiketourlondon.com) runs The Deserted City Bike tour through the City of London and recommends this historical route on the weekend.

“I wouldn’t advocate taking people who are not competent, confident cyclists around the City of London during the week because it’s chaotic, but on a Sunday it’s really surreal, a bit like the movie 28 Days Later because all the bankers and stockbrokers have gone and the streets are deserted.

“The area’s full of contrast because It’s

the financial district but it’s also the oldest part of London so you have these medieval churches like St Andrew Undershaft right near Norman Foster’s Gherkin.

“We cover about nine miles and you can keep an easy pace because there’s no traffic,” he says. “I love showing people all the historical sites such as the Parish Church of St Mary-le-Bow, St Paul’s Cathedral, Smithfields – the old execution district where Queen Mary Tudor used to burn the Protestant NEXT WEEK heretics – and Stress in the city: Postman’s Park, how to unwind which is an oasis.”

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

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Attractive: the city now flows with opportunity

A life in the sun Want to get away? Look no further than our monthly guide to working abroad – Brisbane is a city bursting with life WORDS REBECCA KENT

Pare down your hectic lifestyle and scurry away from the rat race to somewhere friendly, bathed in sunshine and among the best surfing and swimming beaches in Australia.

An image overhaul Brisbane is quickly outgrowing the unflattering title of Brisvegas, earned many moons ago because of the comparisons it draws from the US gambling city and its tackiness.

Brisbanites can hardly believe the urban sprawl of their home city, and some lament the loss of its country town feel as it rapidly develops a cosmopolitan sophistication, thanks to a burgeoning and increasingly multicultural population.

But this blossoming of the 38

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Queensland capital makes it an increasingly attractive place to live and work for travellers. It has a higher concentration of job vacancies than most other places in Australia – attached mostly to the mining industry – and new restaurants and bars to cater to its new residents, too. The growth is remarkable when you consider it was near enough wiped out by Cyclone Yasi in February.

The city was reconstructed in earnest and now, as its outer edges expand, so does job opportunities and the quality of life they bring.

Work is ample Jobs fall in the region’s main industries of mining, LNG projects and their associated sectors, so jobs such as

those in finance, engineering, trades, IT, communications, HR and law, are in ample supply, says the Brisbane director of Robert Walters International (robertwalters.com.au) Sinead Hourigan.

“Though often accused of having ‘Branch Office Syndrome’, Brisbane has plenty of work opportunities for everyone, including entrepreneurs,” Hourigan says. “Its population growth means its jobs growth is higher than most other Australian capitals.”

Hourigan adds that there is a reluctance from organisations to burden themselves with managing the working visas of overseas candidates.

But doing your job hunt through an international firm like Robert Walters can help. In any case, it is wise to

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ON THE JOB LISA SMITH CAREER Assistant producer, BBC Radio 2 AGE 31 LIVES West Norwood FROM Staffordshire

On a role: many jobs are tied to mining organise a job before moving to Brisbane (also try seek.com.au), and have a back-up plan should it fall through.

“Brisbane is an extremely attractive place to live and work,” says Hourigan. “The work/life balance is significantly better than in the larger Australian cities and remuneration packages are competitive. The focus is on working to live, rather than living to work.”

WHERE TO LIVE Inner city areas such as Toowong, Taringa, St Lucia, Milton, Indooroopilly and Auchenflower, Paddington and Teneriffe, all within a few minutes drive from the city, are great places for hip young things to live. Based around the University of Queensland, the areas are heavily student orientated, and so are full of pubs, restaurants and nightspots. Importantly, the environs are leafy and green and they straddle the river – you’ve got to get the breeze where you can.

Renting a room in a houseshare in those areas can cost anything upwards of $160 (£100) p/w.

It offers the good life

Photos: Thinkstock, Getty

Surf’s up: work to live

Brisbane’s cultural scene plays out on the South Bank of the Brisbane river, which meanders through the city centre. The city’s administrative and shopping precinct keep the cogs of the economy turning on the other side. Its 16 bridges, which dazzle with lights each night, are its most distinguishable feature. That and the weather: Brisbane is a sun-worshipper’s dream and although summers can be scorching, the saying goes that Brisbane is ‘beautiful one day, perfect the next’ and on the whole, it’s true.

Brisbane born and bred, Shane Baisden refers to his home city as “the world’s largest country town”.

He says: “Because the weather is so good, people are outdoors all the time.

They are friendly, interesting and diverse.”

Baisden suggests spending time at the Gallery of Modern Art, Urban Grind in Paddington for coffee and brownies, Lure on Latrobe Terrace for a hangoverbusting brunch, and Caxton Street, a nightlife hotspot and gateway to the cauldron-shaped Suncorp stadium.

Queenslanders love their rugby league.

For a getaway, you can lap up the beaches of the Sunshine Coast, venture through bushland with a hike up Mt Glorious, or do a spot of diving in the paradise of Moreton Bay and its NEXT WEEK surrounding islands, off the The art of headhunting coast.

How did you get into your line of work?

I joined the student radio station Demon FM when I was at uni and constantly did work experience at local stations. I never gave up trying and eventually it paid off. For Radio 2 Live in Hyde Park, this weekend, I will be gathering artist and presenter interviews backstage to be cut together and weaved into the day and evening broadcast.

What do you do day to day?

Listen to music, generate ideas for the shows, book guests, record interviews, edit audio, attend playlist meetings, schedule music and liaise with pluggers.

The best part of my job is working with my idols, such as Manic Street Preachers at a homecoming gig last year, and then Glastonbury this year was amazing.

What’s the most challenging?

The long days can be very tough.

HOW TO...MAXIMISE

YOUR COMMUTE • Download an online course,

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• Step out of your comfort zone

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• Keep fit by standing, rather

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TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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tntjobs.co.uk GIFT FUNDRAISING T: 020 7281 8908 www.giftjobs.com Gift is one of the UK’s most successful street fundraising companies, Ethical and noncorporate we raise £millions for worthwhile causes.

L LYNCH PLANT HIRE T: 0845 4000 000 www.l-lynch.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Charity Fundraisers: Immediate Start!

Location: London Salary: £8.50 p/h - £13.50 p/h You should be hard working, enthusiastic, with a willingness to learn about & represent charities such as UNICEF, Amnesty and NSPCC. You should genuinely want to make a difference and be available for full-time work.

The Recruitment Team | 0207 281 8908 | recruit@gift-fundraising.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Drivers, Operators, Fitters Urgently Required Location: London, the Home Counties & Midlands Salary: POA 360, 180, Duck, Dumptruck, Forklift, Grab, Hiab, Low Loader.

Minimum 7 years experience.

If you can recommend people for these roles and they complete a 3 month probation you will be eligible for a £200 reward! Call now.

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ARBORTRACK (UK) LTD T: 01737 833528 www.arbortrackuk.com Kiwi/Aussie Run Vegetation Company based in Surrey. Climbers Urgently Required and Tree Fellers and Chainsaw Operators. Some Travelling involved.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Climbers and Chainsaw Operators Location: Surrey Salary: On Application Looking for Hard-working individuals. Urgently Require experienced Climber.

Ex-farm hands. Know how to use a chainsaw and other plant machinery.

Must be able to speak fluent English. Long term employment prospects.

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We require a DYNAMIC and motivated sales person to promote low energy LED lighting systems Salary is negotiable with generous commission for the right candidate. The position carries great potential for career development and managerial responsibility in this forward thinking and environmentally friendly energy company.

We are a mcs (microgeneration certification scheme) accredited company. Designing and installing clean energy systems – from photovoltaic (solar electricity) to heat pumps.

SHERPA www.eventsherpa.co.uk

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JOB OF THE WEEK: Events Crew Location: London Salary: £6.50 - £10 per hour

SHERPA is the leading supplier of intelligent, articulate and professional porters, drivers and crew to the UK event industry. We work at some of the UK’s biggest events; from F1 at Silverstone and new product launches, to bigbudget private and corporate events.

We are looking for reliable, hard working, well-presented team players with excellent spoken English who are not afraid of manual labour. SHERPA work is ideal for but not limited to Antipodeans in London on their working holiday visa as it is a great way to see London, meet new people and the hours are flexible.

PEACH NURSING LTD

JOB OF THE WEEK: Experienced Carer/Housekeeper Location: Hertfordshire and Hampshire Salary: Excellent Rates of pay

T: 01582 635 149 www.peachnursing.com

Send a CV and recent photo to: john@eventsherpa.co.uk

Peach Nursing is a specialised “Care in the Community” provider. We offer people support for clients who wish to be cared for within their home.

We are looking for energetic, motivated people with a smiley disposition who have the patients and understanding to adapt to a live-in position caring for the elderly. Must be car drivers. For further information please contact:

HESTON APEX EUROPE LTD

JOB OF THE WEEK: Service Engineer Location: London SW10 Salary: dependent on experience

T: 020 7349 7946 www.hestonapexeurope.com We design, supply, install and maintain commercial security and fire systems.

We require a maintenance engineer to join our team and to be responsible for the maintenance of security and fire alarm systems.

Peach Nursing | 01582 635149 | info@peachnursing.com

Your duties will include: - Fault finding and maintenance of access control, video entry, fire, cctv and gate/barrier systems - The set up and programming of bespoke software - Minimum of 3 years experience Hannah Parkinson | Hannah.parkinson@hestonapexeurope.com

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GET PAID TO SHOP Want to get paid for shopping? Websites such as mystery-shoppers.co.uk and checkoutuk.co.uk actually give you money to buy goods and rate the customer service you received. And you can do it part-time to fit around the rest of your life.

STOP THAT ROAMING Make sure you turn off the data roaming function on your phone when travelling abroad – otherwise you’ll get hit with a huge bill when you get back. Only switch it on when you want to use the internet and use WiFi wherever you can.

KEREN MITCHELL, 25 JOB Founder of job review site TheJobCrowd.com FROM Kentish Town LIVES Notting Hill How do you budget?

I’m living off savings as I’ve

started my own company. I had a vague idea how much I could allocate to holidays, food, going out but it’s all in my head so, nine months down the line, I’ve started to lose track and I have less money than planned!

Last big blow-out?

My wife and I hadn’t been away in ages. We were going insane working non-stop, so went to Santorini. It was worth every penny!

What non-essential items do you spend money on?

Nice food – I love cooking so will always spend a little bit more on fresh ingredients.

HOW THEY SPEND IT! Pimping celebrity pads Film director Michael Winner has just put his flamboyantly decorated west London mansion on the market for £60m.

But he’s not the only one working the property market …

❚ French fashion designer and the man behind Ed Hardy, Christian Audiger, snapped up the house that Michael Jackson died in last June for nearly $28m (£17m).

Pixie Lott

❚ Simon Cowell, who is worth £200m, bought his fiance Mezhgan Hussainy a £3m home in LA and another £2.5m house nearby for her parents. That’s one way to win over the inlaws.

❚ Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have never lived in their sleek penthouse in West Village, New York, with its city skyline views – apparently they didn’t like it. After it sat on the market for five years, the twins sold it for $8.5m (£5.25m). ❚ Pixie Lott spent a much more modest £400,000 on her one-bedroom flat in Shoreditch last year.

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Once a lively working class London area, Brixton is now well and truly gentrified. But it isn’t a leafy, yummy-mummy suburb, but a rough-around-the-edges hub for culture.

Until the start of the 20th century, Brixton was a wealthy district. Then its large houses were converted into flats and boarding houses and it became a popular spot with West End actors (its arts scene is still flourishing today). In more recent decades it has been known on the one hand for its second-to-none Caribbean food and cultural richness and on the other for its riots, shootings and all-round sketchiness.

But recent looting aside – which also sprung up in places as middle-class as Clapham – Brixton is changing its stripes to that of an up-and-coming south London Zone 2 pocket.

Martin Dixon, of Martin Barry Partnership estate agents in Acre Lane, says: “There were areas that weren’t so preferable like Loughborough Junction, but even that has been cleaned up now.”

But Brixton is still loud and brash, Dixon says: “It’s lively, and that tends to be 24-7.”

According to Irfan Shafi, from Harmens estate agents in Atlantic Road, Brixton is filled with a “cacophony of accents”.

“And the nightlife kicks on well after 11 at the Jamaican and Latin clubs in the area,” he says.

Not only do residents hail from the Caribbean and South America, but also South Asia and the Mediterranean.

Shafi adds: “Brixton is a popular spot

Brixton: a young, fun cultural hotspot for many diverse communities, creating a vibrant and distinctive eclectically charged cultural charm fused in the music, shopping and clubs of the area.”

Rent is cheap and the location and nightlife are good, so Brixton attracts its fair share of the young middle-class crowd.

Oliver Sillett, from Haart estate agents on Brixton Road, says: “Our major clientele are young professionals who work up in the city and use the transport links. And it’s cheaper than Clapham. It’s the best of both worlds.”

And to anyone who doesn’t believe the area has changed, Sillet says: “Sit outside Brixton Tube station and look at the people you see using the Tube. They might not

be living in Brixton but they’re using it as a commuting point. It’s normally young professionals mid twenties early thirties, all suited and booted. That tells me that Brixton isn’t how people perceive.”

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MY AREA CAROL

PATTERSON

Customer Services, 30 “I like the shops and the ethnic diversity. I work in Brixton but live in Putney and there’s not much for ethnic people. There are loads of great salons and places to eat.”

ALEX

BROOKE Barman, 24

But Brixton still has its grit – with Poundland almost opposite as you exit the Tube and wafts of kebab floating down Brixton Road, it doesn’t initially seem like a gentrified suburb at all. But venture off the main roads and you’ll find quieter streets – like Saltoun Road – with beautiful Victorian houses that are still close to the action. And it’s this mix that attracts so many people.

Sillett says Trinity Gardens is a good spot.

“It’s about two minutes’ walk from the Tube but so set back you don’t even realise it’s there. It’s green and there are big massive Victorian houses which have been made

into flats, and there’s a nice little pub there called the Trinity Arms.”

Entertainment is Brixton’s speciality. The Ritzy (picturehouses.co.uk) is an old-style cinema and The O2 Academy has recently hosted big bands such as Pulp and The National. Brixton Market is a foodie’s paradise and New Fujiyama serves Japanese noodles soundtracked

by Caribbean reggae.

A young, fun cultural NEXT WEEK hotpot – Brixton is Quirky London far from what it used pads to be.

“There’s a mixture of real people here and it’s not pretentious. I live near The Hootenanny pub and I love the music they play there: it’s free and there’s all sorts going on.”

JENNY

SMITH Customer

services, 21 “I live just up the road in Stockwell and work in Brixton. This is where I come for everything. I love the Caribbean shops and Satay cocktail bar on Coldharbour Lane.”

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How’s that for inflation?

VALUE FOR MONEY? AUSTRALIA An Australian artist has sold a $20,000 wad of cash for more than $21,000, claiming the piece “explores the tension between the economic value of the material against the cultural value of the art object”.

Artist Denis Beaubois’s work, aptly called Currency and comprising two bundles of unused $100 notes, was auctioned in Melbourne and fetched $21,350 (£14,084), including the buyer’s premium and tax.

“I thought there was a strong chance it would go for below $20,000 because there’s a lot of suspicion with the work, but it’s also interesting it went for above the financial worth,” Beaubois said.

Who needs a bank when you can sell notes for more than they’re worth?

TWEETS OF THE WEEK

@jimmyfallon Beyonce & Jay-Z are expecting a baby. Man, that kid is gonna have everything! Except a last name. @jimmycarr They say that men who have 150 to 350 orgasms a year could live up to 8 years longer. I think that makes me a Highlander. @simonpegg I wonder if George Lucas will ever replace himself with CGI. He should do. He’s a muppet.

PLASTIC FANTASTIC UNITED STATES A 32-year-old Ohio man has been sent to jail after being busted having sex with his neighbour’s inflatable paddling pool.

Edwin Charles Tobergta apparently has “a fascination for plastic” and was arrested 46

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Turf war: Kreuzberg district residents battle Friedrichshain district residents in the annual Vegetable Battle on Oberbaumbruecke Bridge in Berlin. The event pits Kreuzberg against Friedrichshain, who pelt each other with rotten vegetables, other foods, ketchup, water guns and styrofoam bats until one side has pushed the other from the bridge

after the raft’s dismayed owner caught him in the act.

Tobergta has been arrested at least five times for similar offences and his grandmother insisted that the family has tried to seek mental care for him.

“He has a lot of mental problems and he’s always had a fascination for plastic,” she said. “That’s just it. That’s all of it.”

SUCH IS LIFE AUSTRALIA Researchers have used DNA technology to identify the remains of bushranger Ned Kelly, whose remains were exhumed from Pentridge prison, where he was hanged in 1880.

It took 20 months to identify the

headless skeleton as Kelly’s and there is now a discussion about displaying the remains.

Anthony Griffiths, the great grandson of Ned Kelly’s sister Grace, insisted such an exhibition would be “macabre”.

“The presentation of a corpse on display is something out of medieval times,” Griffiths said. But the Institute of Forensic Medicine’s Stephen Cordner says people should be able to at least see photos of the bones: “These are historical remains of historical significance, and we think it is reasonable in this particular circumstance.”

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 120

Months until scientists expect to be able to grow sausages in a lab, using only cells to grow synthetic meat

A joint effort

EXCUSE ME, OFFICER NEW ZEALAND A New Zealand woman was arrested when she took the unusual step of fronting up to her local police station to reclaim some lost property, which, in this case, was a bag of pot and a pipe.

The bag, containing about 20 grams of marijuana separated in tinfoil wraps, a cannabis pipe and a mobile phone, was found at a ferry terminal in Picton.

After it was handed over to police in the South Island town, the mobile rang and a male caller enquired about its whereabouts, so officers informed him it was at the Picton police station.

Patricia Wright, 61, was arrested when she brazenly turned up at the station to reclaim the bag, immediately admitting the drugs and cannabis pipe were hers.

Points for honesty, one might suppose.

MMM… MOON PIZZA

Photos: Getty; Thinkstock

JAPAN

Rival pizza franchises in Japan have been slugging it out in an epic publicity battle but Domino’s has gone right over the top by unveiling plans to build an outlet on the moon.

In 2001, Pizza Hut managed to deliver a pizza to astronauts orbiting the Earth in the International Space Station, and now Domino’s have employed construction firm Maeda Corp to design a dome-shaped concrete Domino’s restaurant on the surface of the moon.

The company estimates the entire project will cost Y1.67tn (£13.4bn), with Y560bn (£4.5bn) spent on transporting 70 tons of construction materials and pizzamaking equipment.

Tonnes of tomatoes thrown at each other by revellers at Spain’s annual Tomatina festival.

Fair dry-cleaning bill

400

Gypsies who have barricaded themselves in their Essex campsite after a court ordered them to clear out

Length, in metres, of a python that cleared a posh Malaysian resort after he was spotted chilling on the swimming pool steps

A great way to slip your tail

LEGGING IT UNITED KINGDOM Two security firm workers in Rochdale have been sacked from their jobs after being tricked into putting an electronic tag on a criminal’s false leg.

Christopher Lowcock, 29, wrapped his prosthetic limb in a bandage and fooled workers at security services company G4S, who failed to carry out the proper tests when they set up the tag and monitoring equipment at his home.

Lowcock’s cunning plan – the old fake leg switcheroo – meant he could then simply remove his leg, and the tag, whenever he wanted to breach his court-imposed curfew for driving and drug offences, as well as possession of an offensive weapon.

“In this individual’s case, two employees failed to adhere to the correct procedures when installing the tag. Had they done so, they would have identified his prosthetic leg,” a spokesman for G4S said.

6

4

QUOTE OF THE WEEK I was paid a lot of money, but I’m not in a regular job.

I’m in show business and I was at the top of my game Jonathan Ross insists he was worth every penny of his £6m BBC annual salary

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TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: CAROL DRIVER carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

Get your kit off: Garrett as Johnny Anglais

Why forward-thinking Sir should be allowed to strip

Photos: TNT

Teacher getting his kit off is no biggy. There’s worse he could do Am I missing something? Why has there been such outrage over the teacher who was moonlighting as a stripper? Poor Benedict Garrett was hauled before the General Teaching Council because he worked in clubs while being employed at a secondary school. Thankfully, the disciplinary committee had the common sense to only reprimand him, and didn’t ban him from teaching sex education.

Garrett, from Hackney, has rightfully argued working as a stripper – oh, and as a nude waiter at private dinners and starring in a porn film – is not unacceptable professional conduct as none of his behaviour was illegal.

But clearly the images of him in a fireman’s uniform and a bit of bondage gear were too much for the fussy bods in charge, who probably had a hot flush while looking at them.

What did they think would happen? That Garrett would decide to go to school in similar attire? That he’d think it a good idea to give his pupils a free demonstration? It may liven up those embarrassing sex ed classes.

On Garrett’s website, he says he’s “teaching young people to be open-minded”. Lord knows, with the soaring rates of teenage pregnancy, we need to try a different tack, so why not this? If anything, the fact Garrett works in this field makes him experienced and qualified to teach his subject – you wouldn’t ban a drama teacher from appearing in a theatre show. And who really knows what teachers get up to in their spare time – I’m sure a few more would be before the committee in a flash if they were forced to disclose.

That Garrett was forced into taking a second job taking off his clothes because of dire wages will be a valuable lesson in life for his pupils. At least they’ll grow up fully aware working as a teacher doesn’t pay the bills.

Perhaps the only real crime the 31-year-old committed was going by the pseudonym Johnny Anglais, which is, without doubt, the worst porn name ever. » Agree or disagree? Would you like to see your teacher strip? letters@tntmagazine.com

YOUNGEST LOOTER? LET HIM OFF In another ‘shock horror’ story last week, an 11-year-old boy was the latest person to appear before the courts over the London riots. The district judge said his hands were tied because of the kid’s age and gave him an 18-month youth rehabilitation order instead of a jail term.

And what did the boy do? He’d stolen a £50 rubbish bin through the window of a smashed shop. That’s all.

So far, we’ve seen a 43-year-old chef, an opera house steward, a postman, a primary school mentor, a lifeguard, a charity worker and a daughter of a millionaire charged

“

He’d stolen a £50 rubbish bin. That’s all

”

in connection with the August riots. And we’re outraged by the yob who stole a bin?

Just because this boy, who’s from a broken home and lives in Romford, got carried away doesn’t mean we lock him up and throw away the key. That he’s forced to grow up in Romford is punishment enough.

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Inglorious Bastards Gaddafi was bad and mad but how about these devils you don’t know?

WORDS TOM STURROCK

In recent weeks, the walls have closed in on Colonel Gaddafi – the Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution of Libya, if you don’t mind – with rebel forces taking control of the country after a six-month civil war. The fall of his regime has been accompanied by a series of revelations about the Colonel’s excesses and cruelty. Naturally enough, his demise has precipitated fresh condemnation for a regime that impoverished its subjects while plundering the country’s resources. Gaddafi, though, is not unique – there are dozens of forerunners whose crimes are just as heinous.

Sure, there are the obvious ones – Hitler, Stalin, Saddam, Kim Jong Il – but some of the 20th century’s lesser lights were just as monstrous and possibly weirder, especially when left to indulge their violent eccentricities.

Jean-Bédel Bokassa, Central African Republic Bokassa combined cannibalism with ridiculous spending and shocking violence. Hoping to emulate Napoleon, he made himself Emperor of Central Africa in 1977 and nearly bankrupted the country by spending £12m on a 48-hour coronation ceremony that required 100 limos, 130 thoroughbred horses, a 120-piece orchestra and 65,000 bottles of champagne, complete with waiters from Paris.

In 1979, schoolchildren protested being forced to buy expensive uniforms bearing Bokassa’s image, purchased from a factory owned by one of his wives. Bokassa personally participated in the massacre of more than 100 of them, using his ebony walking stick to crush their skulls.

Joaquín Balaguer, Dominican Republic To be fair, Balaguer wasn’t as bad as the rest of these crackpots – the Dominican Republic was a basket-case when he first took over in 1960 but had some semblance of democracy after his third stint as president ended in 1996. But he also did some crazy shit along the way. He 50

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passed laws that banned people living in slums from entering the richer areas. And, in the 1990s, he decided to build El Faro a Colón, a 10-story building shaped like a cross and designed to illuminate the night sky in commemoration of Christopher Columbus’s arrival. All hell broke loose but the plan went ahead – when the weird ‘cross-building’ was eventually turned on, the national grid shut down.

François “Papa Doc” Duvalier, Haiti The President of Haiti from 1957 to 1971, Duvalier was so obsessed with voodoo that he made it the state religion.

He claimed to be Baron Samedi, the voodoo spirit of death, and wore the spirit’s trademark top hat and tails. Duvalier insisted on collecting the heads of his dead rivals, believing he could trap their spirits. He also decreed all black dogs be killed, suspecting an enemy had transformed into one.

His private army – The Tonton Macoutes, named after a voodoo spirit that makes people disappear – forced Haitians to sell their blood to Duvalier for £1 a pint.

Sani Abacha, Nigeria Abacha was an audacious kleptocrat, stealing about £3bn in five years during the 1990s. His surviving family is classed as a criminal organisation by many foreign governments.

Abacha pocketed massive kickbacks from multinationals that wanted access to Nigeria’s oil reserves and summarily executed anyone who opposed this outrageous graft. He got his comeuppance, though, when, in 1998, he dropped dead during an orgy with six teenage prostitutes after taking too much Viagra. His widow, Maryam, was busted fleeing the country with 38 pieces of luggage, all stuffed with money.

Ferdinand Marcos, Philippines In the 1960s, while his country foundered in the grip of runaway inflation, the Marcoses redecorated their palace,

Clockwise: Jean-Bédel Bokassa; Imelda Marcos; Joaquín Galaguer

hanging ridiculously opulent chandeliers in every room.

Indeed, one room ended up with 17 of them. Marcos’s wife, Imelda, was known for her extravagant collection of shoes, numbering more than 1000 pairs, including one that had goldfish swimming in the glass heels. She also trained herself to sleep upright to avoid messing her hair.

Don’t worry – it wasn’t just Marcos’s missus who was vain to the point of mania. Ferdinand had a map of the province of Apayao redrawn to resemble his head.

Nicolae Ceausescu, Romania Camera crews were forbidden from depicting Ceausescu’s short stature, which he was desperate to make up for in other ways. He forced Romanians to move into tiny concrete apartments and had a secret police unit of gynecologists charged with boosting the birth-rate. It was all designed to bring on a Romanian Golden Age, crowned with the planned Palace of the People, which would have been the world’s third-largest building.

After Ceausescu and his wife were both executed in 1989, it was revealed that the Nixon Administration had given a moon rock to Ceausescu as a gift. The Romanian moon rock was worth £4m but its whereabouts remain unknown.

Photos: Getty

Idi Amin, Uganda The title dictators bestow upon themselves is a pretty reliable indicator of their craziness and Amin’s is a stand-out: “Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.” That’s your wiinner right there.

In 1971, Amin seized control of Uganda in a military coup.

One horror story claims Amin rounded up the officers who failed to support him and had them decapitated. He then sat on a pile of their heads, chastising them for not backing him, while taking bites out of their flesh.

Even the moustache is evil

THE BIG THREE

BY THE NUMBERS Joseph Stalin Born Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili in what is now Georgia, Stalin changed his name to mean ‘man of steel’. After the Russian revolution, Stalin oversaw purges designed to consolidate the power of the Communist Party, leading to the deaths of somewhere between 20 million and 60 million people.

Adolf Hitler His designs on dominating Europe led to the Second World War, which claimed an estimated 70 million lives, military and civilian. He also engineered the Holocaust, the execution of up to 17 million Jews, gypsies and others deemed enemies of the Nazi state.

That moustache should have been a dead giveaway.

Mao Zedong The leader of the Chinese revolution was responsible for somewhere between 50 million and 75 million deaths. In his 33 years in power, Chairman Mao conducted several brutal crackdowns, sending intellectuals and politcal opponents into ‘reform through labour’ camps that killed millions.

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Emerton has joined Sydney FC

EMERTON TO STAR FOOTBALL Much was made of Harry Kewell’s defection to Melbourne Victory, but Socceroos star Tim Cahill believes Sydney FC’s Brett Emerton coup is the “biggest catch in the history of Australian football”.

While Cahill claimed Australia now had the depth to cover the likes of Kewell, the Everton star said there was only one Brett Emerton.

“For me, Brett Emerton is the heart and soul of the Australian team,” Cahill said.

“To find out he has signed with Sydney FC – that would have to be the biggest catch in the history of Australian football.

“He’s a player who goes about his business very quietly, he is the best player I have ever trained and worked with.”

BEALE WINS MEDAL RUGBY UNION Wallabies fullback Kurtley Beale has won the John Eales Medal as the best Australian rugby player of the past 12 months.

Beale polled 127 votes, five more than hooker Stephen Moore, with openside flanker and last year’s winner David Pocock a further 22 back in third place.

“It’s still a bit surprising but I guess I’m very, very honoured to receive the award,” Beale said. “I couldn’t have done it without all the boys in the squad, obviously it’s a team sport.”

Scrumhalf Will Genia was named the Australia’s Choice Wallabies Player of the Year. Brumbies utility back Pat McCabe collected the Rookie of the Year award while cult hero Radike Samo took out Try of the Year for his stunning 60-metre solo effort against New Zealand in the TriNations decider.

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Come in spinner: Nathan Lyon celebrated his Test debut by taking 5-34 in the first innings of the first Test against Sri Lanka, including a wicket with his first ball. Let’s hope he kicks on more effectively than poor old Jason Krejza, who took 12 wickets on debut against India in 2008 but has only played one Test since

PRATT BACKS FEVOLA AUSTRALIAN RULES Powerful Carlton board member Jeannie Pratt has weighed into speculation about Brendan Fevola’s future, saying she wants him back at the AFL club.

The Blues senior vice-president is wellknown for her support of Fevola, who is trying to resurrect his career via the VFL after struggling with gambling and alcohol issues. “I would take him back, I would be happy to have him back,” Pratt said in a statement read out on Channel Nine’s The Footy Show. “That is my own view and it doesn’t mean he will be back.”

The Blues sacked Fevola at the end of 2009 and he went to Brisbane, where he lasted one season.

BIG WEEK FOR ...

Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse has been dogged all season by conjecture about the succession plan for next year. Nathan Buckley is contracted to replace him but where does that leave Malthouse? Will he join another club? The finals start this week, though, and Malthouse will be intent on steering Collingwood through their match against West Coast and a step closer to backto-back flags.

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QUOTES OF THE WEEK There is probably a possibility that I might play. I might be involved in some level on the Twenty20, but I’m sort of mulling over all those things Shane Warne may play for one of the Melbourne franchises in Australia’s revamped T20 competition

The All Blacks will be fired up

PREVIEW The World Cup’s blockbuster opening NEW ZEALAND V TONGA FRIDAY 9.30AM, ITV1

ARGENTINA V ENGLAND SATURDAY 9.30AM, ITV1

AUSTRALIA V ITALY SUNDAY 4.30AM, ITV1

SOUTH AFRICA V WALES SUNDAY 10.30AM, ITV1 The tournament will be full-throttle from the opening weekend, with a series of fixture likely to shape the various groups.

New Zealand’s recent losses will do little to dent their confidence of making a winning start when they come up against

Tonga on Friday morning. Expect a fiery opening quarter before the All Blacks’ quality shines through.

England versus Argentina looms as an absolute cracker on Saturday morning.

England will start warm favourites and will need to win to top their group, but there’s a definite possibility of an upset.

An then, on Sunday morning, Australia and South Africa will be looking to make a statement of intent against Italy and Wales respectively.

KURTLEY BEALE /61 ANDY GOMARSALL /66

THE CHAT | Arsenal sign reinforcements

I think £40m was apparently offered. It is a big offer to turn down, that’s for sure Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp reckons Chelsea offered huge coin for Spurs midfielder Luka Modric. Bonkers

He’s got the New Zealanders – both their squad and the public – pooing themselves Former Wallabies skipper Nick Farr-Jones on the effect in-form scrumhalf Will Genia has on the Kiwis

TV HIGHLIGHTS TENNIS

Photos: Getty

US Open Arsenal’s last-minute transfer splurge Q Will get their season back on track? the wake of their horrendous 8-2 thrashing at the A Inhands of Manchester United, Arsenal finally got stuck into the transfer market but, after slow-playing it all summer, Arsène Wenger was left rushing around frantically like someone who’s left their Christmas shopping until the last minute. Their signings – Park Chu-Young, Andre Santos, Per Mertesacker, Yossi Benayoun and Mikel Arteta – will be useful, particularly in strengthening the Gunners’ fragile defence, but Arsenal may have limited their scope for improvement by waiting so long.

If they had been more decisive and loosened the purse-strings earlier, they could have landed Phil Jones and Juan Mata.

Second week of the year’s last major Every day 4pm, Sky Sports 4

CRICKET Sri Lanka v Australia, second Test The series heads to Pallekele Thursday 5.30am, British Eurosport 2

AUSTRALIAN RULES Geelong v Hawthorn Mikel Arteta

It’s the business end of the season Friday 10.30am, ESPN

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: TOM STURROCK tom.sturrock@tntmagazine.com

Brendan Fevola (right) has been in fine form in the VFL

Fevola is a fool but his talent warrants yet another chance In reality, clubs have little to lose by recruiting the troubled forward

» Agree or disagree? Should a club take a chance on Brendan Fevola? letters@tntmagazine.com 54

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You’ve got to feel a twinge of sympathy for Channel 4 presenter Ortis Deley, whose work on the station’s coverage of the Athletics World Championships in South Korea was so bad that they hooked him.

Deley repeatedly stumbled over the names of both athletes and fellow commentators. There were bizarre nonsequiturs, interminable mid-sentence pauses and he sometimes appeared to barely know where he was. Simply put, Deley was not equipped for the challenges of live television. YouTube it.

“

After Deley, maybe the dam will burst

”

It is heartening, though, to know that broadcasters can actually get the sack if they’re not up to it. Anyone who has sat through hours of meandering, vapid tennis commentary must have their doubts.

After Deley, maybe the dam will burst.

Sportcasters beware – your inane, whitenoise blethering has reached its use-by date. Sure. If only.

Photos: Getty

Over the course of his turbulent career, Australian rules footballer Brendan Fevola has never been far from the news. Sometimes, for his exhilarating goal-scoring feats. At other times, for increasingly erratic off-field behaviour. But now, the story is that Fevola, having been sacked by two clubs, is in dominant form in the second-tier VFL and wants another crack at AFL football next year.

Fevola, now 30, was fired by Carlton after getting wasted at the Brownlow Medal ceremony. After he joined the Brisbane Lions, Fevola’s problems with gambling and alcohol got the better of him. The Lions booted him before the start of this season. The AFL and its clubs don’t owe Fevola another chance. He is not entitled to earn a living playing elite sport. But were his transgressions so serious that he should be cast into purgatory, never to return? In professional sport, where is the line between redeemable and irredeemable?

Consider the example of Michael Vick, the superstar quarterback whose NFL career ended abruptly in 2007, when he pleaded guilty to involvement in a dog-fighting ring. He served nearly two years in jail for participating in this sickening blood-sport. On his release, he was picked up by the Philadelphia Eagles. Last week, he signed a six-year deal worth US$100m (£62m). It is enough to make even the most pragmatic fans uneasy.

Of course, it is not enough to merely point out that Fevola did not plumb the same depths as Vick, but it does lend a sense of perspective. Fevola, a meathead, a loose unit and a spoiled man-child, was never convicted of any crime. By comparison, Collingwood last year decided to sign Andrew Krakouer, who spent a year in jail for a violent assault.

Undoubtedly, there are clubs that would improve by signing Fevola. He is, after all, one of the most gifted forwards of the past 20 years. And what do they have to lose? Fevola will be on his absolute last chance. If he stuffs up again, he will be sent packing with few questions asked and no one would blame the club that offered him one final lifeline.

DELEY SHOULD BE THE FIRST OF MANY

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RUGBY WORLD CUP INSIDE

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The draw 40 matches in 23 days – and that’s just the group stage

Jon Smit, South Africa

POOL A Canada France Japan New Zealand Tonga POOL B Argentina England Georgia Romania Scotland POOL C Australia Ireland Italy Russia United States POOL D Fiji Namibia Samoa South Africa Wales

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Mils Muliaina, New Zealand

Luke Burgess, Australia

New Zealand v Tonga Sep 9, Eden Park; France v Japan Sep 10, North Harbour Stadium; Tonga v Canada Sep 14, Northland Events Centre; New Zealand v Japan Sep 16, Waikato Stadium; France v Canada Sep 18, McLean Park; Tonga v Japan Sep 21, Northland Events Centre; New Zealand v France Sep 24, Eden Park; Canada v Japan Sep 27, McLean Park; France v Tonga Oct 1, Wellington Regional Stadium; New Zealand v Canada Oct 2, Wellington Regional Stadium Scotland v Romania Sep 10, Rugby Park Stadium; Argentina v England Sep 10, Forsyth Barr Stadium; Scotland v Georgia Sep 14, Rugby Park Stadium; Argentina v Romania Sep 17, Rugby Park Stadium; England v Georgia Sep 18, Forsyth Barr Stadium; England v Romania Sep 24, Forsyth Stadium; Argentina v Scotland Sep 25, Wellington Regional Stadium; Georgia v Romania Sep 28, Arena Manawatu; England v Scotland Oct 1, Eden Park; Argentina v Georgia Oct 2, Arena Manawatu Australia v Italy Sep 11, North Harbour Stadium; Ireland v United States Sep 11, Stadium Taranaki; Russia v United States Sep 15, Stadium Taranaki; Australia v Ireland Sep 17, Eden Park; Italy v Russia Sep 20, Trafalgar Park; Australia v United States Sep 23, Wellington Regional Stadium; Ireland v Russia Sep 25, Rotorua International Stadium; Italy v United States Sep 27, Trafalgar Park; Australia v Russia Oct 1, Trafalgar Park; Ireland v Italy Oct 2, Forsyth Barr Stadium Fiji v Namibia Sep 10, Rotorua International Stadium; South Africa v Wales Sep 11, Wellington Regional Stadium; Samoa v Namibia Sep 14, Rotorua International Stadium; South Africa v Fiji Sep 17, Wellington Regional Stadium; Wales v Samoa Sep 18, Waikato Stadium; South Africa v Namibia Sep 22, North Harbour Stadium; Fiji v Samoa Sep 25, Eden Park; Wales v Namibia Sep 26, Stadium Taranaki; South Africa v Samoa Sep 30, North Harbour Staidum; Wales v Fiji Oct 2, Waikato Stadium

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The Beale deal Kurtley Beale and his mates in the Australian backline hold the key to the Wallabies’ chances WORDS TOM STURROCK

While still a teenager, Kurtley Beale was marked as one to watch, his electric pace and ball-handling earning comparisons with legendary Wallabies flyhalf Mark Ella.

Now, the former schoolboy star, who attended his first Wallabies camp at the age of 17, will head to New Zealand as his country’s first-choice fullback and one of the main beneficiaries of coach Robbie Deans’s investment in youth.

Alongside Quade Cooper and James O’Connor, and with Will Genia in the halves, Beale is a cornerstone in an Australian backline that has been remodelled since the last World Cup in 2007, one that, despite its relative inexperience, is one of the most dangerous in the world when on song.

“When we train, we’re really trying to get those combinations and get everything running smoothly,” Beale says of the backline synergy that seems likely to determine how far Australia go at this year’s tournament.

When Australia’s playmakers click, the result is spectacular, but when they misfire, their flamboyance becomes self-defeating.

“You go into matches and sometimes find that you need a plan B, but we’re concentrating on putting our training into action on the field. We need to stick together for the full 80 minutes and really believe in each other.”

Certainly, it has not all been plain sailing for the Wallabies since Deans took over – there have been some predictable complications accompanying the transfusion of new blood into the ageing side that the incoming coach inherited.

During the 2009 Tri-Nations, for example, Australia won just one match, outsmarted and outmuscled by more advanced New Zealand and South Africa sides. Then, in 2010, improved to win twice, leapfrogging a flagging South Africa but still miles behind the mighty All Blacks.

There have been bad games and damaging lapses, periods of inspiration interspersed with periods of frustration.

Supporters have had to keep the faith, weathering the 60

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occasional abject performance, gleaning satisfaction from the gradual improvement, celebrating when everything falls into place and Australia produce the kind of rugby that underlines their potential and fires the imagination. For example, last year, the Wallabies were belted by England at Twickenham but then, a fortnight later, inflicted a similar hiding on France.

“I think we still throw the ball around a fair bit and then hopefully leave it to the halves to control the game. A big part of our improvement has been learning when to kick and

“

We’re very confident we’ll hold our own

”

when not to,” Beale says.

“A lot of it is attitude – we’re starting to back ourselves more as a team and not letting our opponents in with silly mistakes and forced passes.

“Losing the ball really hurt us – there’d be stages when we just weren’t in the game mentally. As we’ve played more together, we’re now ready from the get-go.”

Perhaps the World Cup has come along 12 months too early for Australia to truly challenge but, all things considered, Robbie Deans’s overhaul has been successful. He has replaced George Gregan with Genia, while Cooper has edged out other candidates to lock down the flyhalf role – Matt Giteau has been pensioned off and Berrick Barnes has been shifted to the centres. Adam Ashley-Cooper remains from the class of 2007, while O’Connor and Digby Ioane have been introduced, along with sevens alumni Pat McCabe.

Australia’s wealth of backline riches has apparently

In association with

Photos: Getty

Clockwise: James O’Connor; Quade Cooper; Kurtley Beale

allowed it to cover the loss of Barnes and Drew Mitchell, both of whom have been named in the World Cup squad despite being sidelined with injuries.

But the Wallabies are, as has been the case for more than a generation, less blessed when it comes to the forwards – their pack has endured perpetual chopping-and-changing as Deans experimented with different combinations. The results, at times, have been underwhelming, the Wallabies forwards cruelly exposed by the likes of South Africa and even coming up short against the Italians on one occasion. It remains the side’s achilles heel but Beale is confident the side now has the grunt up front to go toe-to-toe with the toughest packs.

“Some of the scrummaging during the Tri-Nations has been outstanding and time will only help us improve that.

The more those guys play together, the better,” Beale says.

“There are some very competitive packs in world rugby but I don’t think we need to focus on them at the moment.

We’re just concentrating on our and when we come faceto-face with those other sides, we’re very confident we’ll be able to hold our own.”

If Deans’s youth project has endured its share of setbacks, it has also forced the young players in the squad to take responsibility. They have not had the luxury of hiding behind senior players.

“There are a few young guys but most of us have got quite a lot of caps already so there’s a fair bit of experience there,” Beale says. “And then those older guys give the squad that balance. Guys like Rocky Elsom, Stephen Moore and Nathan Sharpe are leaders around the park and the younger boys really follow them but those guys are also stepping up and starting to communicate.”

Whether those young Wallabies back can make the ball talk, though, will determine how they fare over the next month.

PEAKING WHEN IT COUNTS WALLABIES CAN WIN IT Overview Assuming Australia overcome Ireland to finish top of their pool, a likely quarter-final showdown with Wales looms, ahead of a semi-final clash with England or France. It should, in theory, mean Australia avoid New Zealand and South Africa before the final. Of course, the northern hemisphere challengers are no pushovers, but Australia should have too much dash in the back half and be sufficiently well-organised elsewhere to avoid being bullied by bigger packs.

Key player Beale, Cooper and O’Connor may be the glamour players, but Will Genia (above), along with Dave Pocock, would be the hardest player for Australia to replace. His quick hands, vision and work-rate have drawn comparisons with George Gregan – now, all Genia needs is to steer the Wallabies to World Cup glory, as Gregan did in 1999.

Prediction Runners-up.

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Back for seconds Supporting the big guns is fine, but which underdog will you adopt?

WORDS JAHN VANNISSELROY AND TOM STURROCK

It’s one thing to marvel at the skills of Dan Carter or Quade Cooper, but another entirely to get behind a battling side that desperately need your support. And, should they somehow get it together and cause an upset, it will be one of the highlights of the tournament.

So, setting aside the southern hemisphere heavyweights and the usual Six Nations suspects, who are the lesser lights worth adopting as your second side?

Argentina: Something to prove It seemed like forever that Los Pumas scrapped relentlessly against the odds, never really being taken seriously by the IRB. However, after beating the French to third place in 2007, the world took notice and now Argentina has been given more annual tests and inclusion in to the southern hemisphere’s expanded Four Nations. They bring a warrior instinct and are led by their main man, centre Felippe Conteponi, a qualified and practising doctor who speaks fluent English, French and Spanish.

Canada: Hard to hate Canadians Considering the Canadian team don’t even have a permanent home ground, they do well to compete as fiercely as they do.

They’re coached by former All Black fullback Kieran Crowley and captained by hooker Pat O’Riodan, who, when he’s not playing rugby, works as a carpenter. The Canucks won’t do well, but you can’t dislike Canada in the way you can the French or the English, so they’ll have plenty of support from the New Zealand crowds.

Fiji: Electric Islanders The flying Fijians play an exhilarating, carefree brand of rugby and have traditionally been the strongest of the Pacific Island nations. Fiji is mad about its rugby, with 62

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80,000 registered players among a population of about 900,000. They would be far more competitive if their players, like All Blacks Joe Rokocoko, Sitiveni Sivivatu and one-time Wallabies rep Lote Tuqiri, weren’t poached so regularly by Australia and New Zealand.

Georgia: The tractor factor The Georgians’ peculiar nickname, the Lelos, comes from an old Georgian folk sport called lelo burti, which translates roughly to ‘field ball’. It was a brutal sport played between nearby villages without a set number of players per team.

Sometimes, the field of play would have a stream running through it, playing havoc with sides’ kicking games. When a more standardised version of rugby was adopted, the Georgians practised with scrum machines made out of old Soviet tractors.

Italy: Il Bel Gioco – The Beautiful Game Coached by former South African coach Nick Mallett, Italy come into the World Cup carrying the scalp of France, courtesy of a 22-21 win in Rome in March. But once their star, former Australian league player Craig Gower, was ruled out with injury, Italy lost any chance of causing an upset. Still, their attractive female fans in the stands provide a small reason to tune in to an Italian game.

Japan: The samurai spirit Having changed their name for the Cherry Blossoms to the more macho (but still not very convincing) Brave Blossoms, the Japanese play a high-paced, exciting game. All Black great John Kirwan now coaches the Blossoms and his aim has been to get them to play with what he calls the ‘samurai spirit’. He also wants his charges to become the fittest team in world rugby and play a game “that big men don’t like”. ››

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Manu Samoa perform their war-dance, Siva Tau

Italy’s Sergio Parisse climbs high against Scotland

Namibia: Desert battlers They definitely have the weirdest nickname of any of the side in the World Cup. The team is known as the Welwitschias – a desert plant – after their old nickname, Biltongboere, was phased out because of its racially dicey connotations. Namibia has produced some quality players, such as Springboks star Percy Montgomery, but their small player base has led to some frightful beltings in recent years.

Romania: A rugby revolution The Oaks have participated at every World Cup and are considered the strongest side in Europe outside the Six Natons. When Romanian rugby was on the up in the Eighties, they notched wins over France, Wales and Scotland.

But the fall of the Soviet Union devastated the sport – the two leading clubs, which represented the army and the police, both went under. And, in the 1989 revolution, several leading players lost their lives.

Russia: Where’s Ivan Drago when you need him?

The Russians, also known as the Bears, are playing in their first World Cup and are likely in for a rugged welcome – pool matches against Ireland and Australia loom as real blowouts. The Bears have a couple of players running around in the French league and the Guinness Premiership, as well as Melbourne Rebels lock Adam Byrnes, who is eligible because of his Russian ancestry. The dressing-room chit-chat must be absolutely scintillating.

Photos: Getty

Samoa: Polynesian flair The most exciting of the “minnows”, Manu Samoa, on their day, are giant-killers. This year, the hard-hitting, fast-running Polynesians will have their tails up against South Africa and Wales after their early-season win against Australia. Keep an eye out for number 10 Tasea Lavea, who played NRL for the

Kosuke Endo of Japan’s Brave Blossoms

Melbourne Storm and represented New Zealand at rugby league before switching back to union and playing for the Blues and Chiefs in New Zealand.

Tonga: Ready to rumble The Tongans’ pride in belting opponents may worry rival coaches into resting their stars, thereby giving Tonga more room to throw the ball around and potentially notch an upset. Their star is the afro-wearing flanker Finau Maka, who was prevented from dying his hair green, the colour of team sponsor Paddy Power, by the IRB in 2007. Also, keep an eye out for the Kailao – the Tongan war-dance, which the team performs before each match.

“

Japan play a game big men don’t like US: Without a paddle

”

The Eagles are coached by Eddie O’Sullivan, Ireland’s most successful coach of the modern era. America are also bolstered by a stack of ring-ins and some handy players from American Samoa. However, they almost forfeited the support of the locals in Wanganui after initially shunning an invitation to be paddled down the local river in waka – traditional Maori canoes. After a period of bad publicity, they did backflip on their concerns about safety – but so much for the home of the brave.

One wonders how safe they’ll be with the likes of Australia’s 1.97m, 111kg forward Radike Samo bearing down on them in pool play. ❚ TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Red rose dreaming Former England scrumhalf Andy Gomarsall is bullish about his country’s chances WORDS TOM STURROCK

England arrived in New Zealand with patchy form under their belts, having split their warm-up Tests against Wales before overpowering a listless Ireland side in the final hitout. Of course, once the World Cup kicks off, all lead-up form goes out the window. In a pool containing Argentina, Scotland, Georgia and Romania, England should qualify top and then the tournament really begins. According to Andy Gomarsall, the former England scrumhalf who took part in three World Cup campaigns, including the 2007 tournament in France, the six-week campaign exacts peculiar pressures on a side but England have, over the journey, shown they relish the format.

“I’m quite bullish because we’re got a good history – we’re good at this kind of knock-out competition,” Gomarsall says. “We’ll win the group, I don’t think there’s any doubt about that. And then there’s a quarter-final against France. I’d fancy our chances there, having beaten them in the past two World Cups. And then maybe a semifinal against Australia – that’s where it gets interesting.

That’s too close to call.

“It’s a different competition – it was my dream to play in a World Cup final and I loved everything about it. At the last World Cup, the story was all about the minnows who overperformed, most memorably with Argentina beating France.

It’s the best atmosphere of anything I’ve experienced and I’m so privileged to have taken part in three of them.”

Unsurprisingly, not everyone shares Gomarsall’s optimism. In recent times, England’s performances have been characterised by a lack of invention, a shortcoming heightened by the squad selected by manager Martin Johnson. It is a squad heavy on bullocking forwards and short on dynamism.

“I agree to a certain extent,” Gomarsall concedes. “By not picking Riki Flutey, Johnson’s squad lacks a midfield with real creativity and he’s got a few players in there who have 66

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the same skills. But it’s also a consistent squad – I don’t think there will be any shocks.

“But I think part of why this comes up is that Shontayne Hape is on and off – he hasn’t quite made his mark. We’ll back him – he’s a professional and he’s an extremely good player. Johnson sees something and you have to trust that it will come out.”

England imposing forward pack may yet stand them in good stead – it is hard to see them being bullied and if the World Cup descends into trench warfare they will be well-equipped.

“The way the rugby will be played in New Zealand, the teams with the biggest forwards will make it through to the final stages,” Gomarsall says, explaining his confidence. “It probably won’t be dry and England will be looking to play a power game, which they’re good at when on song.

Johnson will be trying to pick a big, positive forward pack who can dominate – New Zealand and South Africa are the only teams who can match England in the forwards and we beat Australia at the last World Cup playing that kind of rugby. In the old days, we wouldn’t have given the ball to the backs at all.”

Johnson, of course, remains a revered figure in English rugby, having captained them to glory in 2003. Since taking over as manager in April 2008, though, Johnson has been unable to leverage his rarefied success into real managerial standing. And, on the eve of the World Cup, the RFU, the sport’s governing body in England, is in disorder.

Clive Woodward, England’s manager during the successful campaign of 2003, has suggested Johnson will be judged on England’s performance at the forthcoming tournament.

Although Gomarsall acknowledges that the buck will undoubtedly stop with Johnson, he remains adamant his former captain is the best man for the job, a conviction unlikely to be reversed by whatever unfolds in New Zealand. ››

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In association with

Clockwise: England’s captain Lewis Moody; manager Martin Johnson; Andy Gomorsall in 2007

Photos: Getty

“Johnson gets stuck taking the brunt for the organisation as a whole,” Gomarsall says. “He’s there for his inspiration and his decision-making and he knows the game insideout and also the players. There’s no one better to do that – Johnson’s got it. But when other influences within the management team don’t pull their weight, he cops it. And some of the game planning at crucial times has been poor.

“It takes time for a management team to gel and they’ve not quite done that. They’ve done it in patches but not consistently. In terms of nailing it down, hopefully it happens at the World Cup. “There’s an argument that he’ll be judged on the result of this World Cup and I think a final is the minimum requirement for Johnson, and then it’s anyone’s game. But even if they don’t make it, I still think he’ll stay in charge.

It’s about how England play – the pressure comes on when England perform poorly.”

For all his England drum-beating, Gomarsall owns up to a dash of sentimental support for the hosts, who, he admits, are deserved favourites on paper.

“I think it could be their year. I think there’s a romantic side to it,” he says. “New Zealand, on their home patch, having had those natural disasters – they’ve had a tough old time of it. But they’ll be massively under pressure and I still think that South Africa could be their nemesis – that could be the stumbling block in the semis.

“But you look at the players who haven’t made their side.

If there was a draft, you’d have most of them. The depth of talent is phenomenal – they’re so technically gifted but also athletically. To be able to leave out Hosea Gear and Sitiveni Sivivatu – any team in the world would have them.” ❚ Andy Gomarsall is part of ITV’s team for the Rugby World Cup. ITV will exclusively broadcast all games throughout the tournament live on ITV1 and ITV4.

Explosive: Manu Tuilagi

DESTINED FOR BIG THINGS TUILAGI TIPPED TO STAR Overview It’s hard to disagree with Andy Gomarsall’s optimism. This England side have plenty of flaws but they have some serious World Cup bonafides and their bruish forwards will usher them through the group stage without two many problems. The projected semifinal against Australia looms as an absolute blockbuster but the Wallabies, in the southern hemisphere and coming off their Tri-Nations win, should have the edge.

Key players Playmakers Jonny Wilkinson and Toby Flood will be expected to ignite England’s attack but it may be newcomer Manu Tuilagi who most shapes England’s campaign. In a stodgy side, Tuilagi not only adds an explosive try-scoring threat but is also capable of delivering a monster hit when the other side has the ball. At 20, Tuilagi is still developing but England appear to have found a star of the future.

Prediction Losing semi-finalists.

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A long time between drinks New Zealand’s All Blacks will aim to end 20 years of World Cup misery WORDS JAHN VANNISSELROY

Dan Carter

A HEAVY BURDEN NZ’S NERVOUS WAIT Overview: In Pool A, the All Blacks will easily dispose of Japan, Tonga and Canada and their first big test comes in the form of their World Cup bogey team, France. Should they win, they’ll face either Argentina or England in the quarters, South Africa in the semis and the Wallabies in the final. To win all those games in a month, NZ will rightly be crowned world champions.

Players: Richie McCaw (main picture) and Dan Carter. McCaw’s experience, leadership, manipulation of officials and reckless regard for his own body spurs his troops on in every game.

Carter’s ability to read the game is second to none. He knows exactly how best to unleash his talented troupe of outside backs and his precise kicking game is the best in the world.

Prediction: First.

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Photos: Gettty

When the All Blacks bowed out at the quarter-final stage of the 2007 Rugby Word Cup, a strange moaning was heard around the globe. The three major islands of their home country, New Zealand, initially howled in surprised anguish – like a bull stung by a bumblebee – and then entered a prolonged bout of wounded sobbing.

Children were sent outside as fathers turned the air blue with curses to the heavens and to their fallen demi-gods – a squad of 30 young men burdened with winning a series of seven games in order to hoist aloft a gold trophy to provide reassurance that New Zealanders, isolated as they may be at the bottom of the world map, can still pack a punch; that Kiwis can fly.

Talkback radio lines rang non-stop as every critic in the country phoned in from their armchairs, where they sat glued to TVs beaming scenes of the All Blacks 18-20 loss to France with a repetition-rate rivalling the coverage of September 11, 2001.

If those fans had been able to muster the energy to stop blaming everyone, from the referee – several published explicit internet death threats against Englishman Wayne Barnes – to the players, to the victorious French, they would have burnt effigies of the All Blacks coach Graeme Henry. Henry had developed a well-publicised, much-maligned rest-and-rotation policy which had left his top players seriously underdone and without a plan B. In short, he failed. Miserably.

In a country where the one previous World Cup-winning coach, 1987’s Brian Lochore, was knighted and the subsequent losing ones spat at in public (1999’s John Hart), abused from all quarters (1995’s Laurie Mains) and pretty much driven out of the country (2003’s John Mitchell), to reappoint Henry after New Zealand’s worst World Cup performance was tantamount to heresy. But reappointed he was.

Now the game’s showpiece arrives in his home country. For Kiwis, it’s the culmination of four years of creating a squad of battle-hardened warriors who have bashed themselves up for a chance to chase a gold pot at the end of the rainbow. Those players will do so in front of a fanatical supporter base including children, mothers, grandmothers and even the odd farm animal.

Winning will create delirium in the land of the Kiwi; it will bring a chestbeating that will reverberate around Earth, like an African drum rhythm informing the other tribes in the global village that they are the champions – don’t forget them, they can stand tall. But a loss will bring an encore of the moaning – that strange sound of a wounded animal, hurt, confused, ready to lash out on its way to a secluded area to lay and wonder whether if this is it, is this the end?

The smart money’s on NZ, but the chance of Kiwis taking either result with silence and humility – well, there’s not a bookie in town who’ll give you those odds.

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Bok to basics South Africa are unlikely to surprise anyone – but that makes them no less dangerous

Photos: Getty

WORDS TOM STURROCK

In some ways, the Springboks are like a super-charged version of England.

Both boast a dogged, hard-driving forward pack with plenty of toughnuts committed to the cause. And both brains trusts, despite patchy lead-in form, will back those who have been there before to deliver when it counts.

Both sides will be short on surprises but if England may be hamstrung by a lack of creativity, South Africa have a few bigger guns in their arsenal. If they fire, the Boks will be hard to beat.

There are few mysteries about the reigning champions, whose hard core of senior players remain world-beaters.

John Smit and Victor Matfield are inspirational leaders, with Pierre Spies (main image) adding further muscle and Morne Steyn’s boot a match-winning weapon in its own right.

Throw in Bryan Habana burning up one wing and Heinrich Brussow locking up every loose ball and you have a side with every chance of chance of going back-to-back. The cherry on top will come if scrumhalf Fourie du Preez can recover his best form – he was, after all, South Africa’s most important player a couple of years ago before injury intervened.

Boks coach Peter de Villiers, such a loose cannon off the field, seems satisfied with his team’s steadiness on it – even if a slow start to the Tri-Nations included some alarming

results. Some have criticised De Villiers for playing dull rugby but, on the eve of the World Cup, the coach defended his style, suggesting neither Australia nor New Zealand were markedly more adventurous.

“There was not really anything new in the way the Wallabies or the All Blacks have played over the last four years,” De Villiers told the Beeld newspaper.

“The Wallabies brought in two new moves from the scrums, with one of the moves from a middle-scrum [position].

“The All Blacks have brought in one new move, also from a scrum.

Therefore, I am not worried. In fact, I believe we have exactly the right pattern for the tournament.”

The other similarity between South Africa and England is that De Villiers, like Martin Johnson, will be judged by his side’s performance. De Villiers, after all, inherited a side that was already world champions. If they are shown to have gone backwards in the past four years, those who were critical of the sacking of Jake White, De Villiers’s predecessor, will claim vindication.

White, though, for his part, believes the Boks are well-placed to defend their title but that De Villiers’s management of his roster may prove crucial.

“If certain players get injured, who comes in and where they fill in is where you can judge the squad,” White said.

AND THE REST? NORTHERN RAIDERS France What would a Rugby World Cup be without the French, their flamboyance mixed generously with a dose of Gallic insouciance?

Could cause England some problems in the quarter-finals.

Ireland Looked like the pick of the northern hemisphere side 12 months ago but the wheels have fallen off this year, to the point where Italy have some chance of knocking them over in the pool matches.

Scotland Will be butting heads with Argentina to see who qualifies behind England. Will rely heavily on Dan Parks, their journeyman Sydney-born flyhalf, to run up a winning score.

Wales Have been hit hard by injury in the lead-up to the tournament and could be tested by Fiji and Samoa but should have enough experience and quality to get through to the last eight.

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LA TOMATINA A reveller is covered in tomato juice while participating in the annual Tomatina festival in Bunol, Spain. An estimated 35,000 people threw 120 tons of ripe tomatoes in the world’s biggest food fight held annually in the Spanish Mediterranean town.

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INSIDE

BRUM DEAL /78

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Birmingham, the UK’s second largest city, is a hot spot for culture and food. It’s now firmly established on the travel map.

Little-known Wroclaw offers a stellar nightlife, a rich culture and 150 dwarf statues. Get there while it’s still undiscovered.

Here’s our guide to taking a break on the mammoth 26-hour flight to Australia or New Zealand.

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TRAVELDIARY Janine Kelso

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It’s beer o’clock 24-7 at Oktoberfest

NOTE FROM TRAVEL EDITOR

CHILD-FREE FLIGHTS ANYONE? I love flying long-haul. For me, it’s the perfect opportunity to unwind as there’s absolutely nothing to do but sleep, eat and watch movies. This experience is not so relaxing, however, if you have a small child screaming in your ear for eight hours. In fact, noisy kids can be enough to send most passengers completely batty.

The notion of child-free flights is one that has been the subject of hot debate for several years, and Malaysian Airlines recently added fuel to the fire by banning babies in first class.

A recent poll by TripAdvisor has revealed that screaming kids drive us round the twist to such an extent that more than half of travellers – 53 per cent – would be prepared to fork out extra for adult-only flights.

I enjoy silence on flights as much as anyone, but is an all-out ban a step too far? If we’re going to have child-free flights, then why not have obese-people-free flights and smelly-people-free flights? While it’s easy to drown out a child’s wailing by turning up your iPod, it’s not so simple to deal with an obese person who is spilling half of their body weight over into your seat.

OKTOBERFEST Munich, Germany Pay homage to the golden grain by downing enough beer to drown yourself in during Germany’s 16-day-long drinking marathon. Giant 17/3 tents are erected in which buxom Bavarian dirndl-clad barmaids are the ministers. Six million beer lovers make the pilgrimage every year and the experience will be worth the inevitable gut-ache.

SEPT/ OCT

WHERE: The party kicks off in the festival meadow at noon when the lord mayor taps the first keg of beer and cries, “O’ zapft is” (“It’s tapped”). There are 14 large tents and 20 smaller ones, each with its own vibe and type of beer. Arrive early to get a seat.

WHY: Began in 1810 as a celebration for the

CONKER WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS Ashton, UK

Conker fighting is a serious business in this corner of 9 England. Teams from all over the world battle with conker and string to be seated on the conker throne and crowned winner.

OCT

Email janine.kelso@tntmagazine.com to tell me what annoys you on flights.

Happy travels!

worldconkerchampionships.com

PHARAONS RALLY

Cairo, Egypt

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oktoberfest.de/en

SCOTTISH MENTAL HEALTH ARTS AND FILM FESTIVAL Across Scotland OCT

1-24

Challenges attitudes to mental health through art. mhfestival.com

TREASURE ISLAND MUSIC FESTIVAL San Francisco, US OCT

15-16

Music and mindblowing views of San Francisco. treasureislandfestival.com

BELFAST FESTIVAL

Belfast, Northern Ireland OCT

14-30

Performance and music, including KT Tunstall. belfastfestival.com

Photos: Getty; Thinkstock

An epic, cross-desert carand-bike endurance race 3-8 that begins and ends at the Giza pyramids, and covers 3100 km.

You need some serious bucks – and vehicle – to compete, but it’s free to watch and you’ll get to see a sphinx.

OCT

wedding of Crown Prince Ludwig and his bride, Princess Therese.

DO IT BECAUSE: You like being drunk.

Although, take note, the word Bierlichen (beer corpse) was coined at Oktoberfest.

HOW MUCH: A litre of beer is €8.70.

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VENICE’S TOURIST TAX INTRODUCED

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Tourists now face an extra fee to stay overnight in the Italian city of Venice (pictured right) after a controversial new tax was launched last week.

The levy will be charged according to the hotel’s star rating. Travellers staying at a three-star hotel will have to pay ¤3 (£2.66) per person on top of the price of their room, while those staying at a five-star hotel will have to fork out ¤5 (£4.44) extra each. Happily, anyone staying in youth hostels will be exempt from paying the tax. The fee will help maintain cultural heritage sites and public services.

TRAVELLERS PREFER TO DRINK THAN DRIVE

MUSIC FESTIVAL IN FRANCE’S SURF CAPITAL

MALARIA WARNING FOR GREECE VISITORS

One in three (33 per cent) travellers would not even consider hiring a car for their next trip abroad, according to latest figures from Kelkoo Travel. In fact, nearly seven in 10 (68 per cent) would prefer to prop up the bar, chosing to drink every day on their most recent holiday. Of those surveyed, 41 per cent relied on public transport on their travels; 24 per cent didn’t feel confident enough to get behind the wheel; 19 per cent opted for organised tours; 11 per cent thought car hire was too expensive; and eight per cent feared costly accidents.

Kelis and Newton Faulkner are headlining the one-day Groundswell Festival in Hossegor, France’s surf capital. Taking place on September 17, the event will combine live music, surfing and beach parties. Instructors will be on hand to give surf lessons and yoga classes. Wicked Campers is offering a 50 per cent discount on van hire for Groundswell ticket holders. Prices for seven days’ hire start from £63pp based on five sharing a multi-seater van. Pick-up available from depots across Europe. See wickedcampers. co.uk or groundswell-festival.com.au

Travellers to Greece are being urged to take precautions against being bitten by mosquitoes after six cases of malaria have been reported since June. The victims contracted the disease while in the Laconia region of the southern Peloponnese and on Euboea, an island north of Athens. The risk to holidaymakers catching malaria in Greece is low, so there is no need to take anti-malaria medication. But visitors should try to prevent being bitten. Symptoms of malaria includes headache, fever and muscle pains. See your doctor if you’re suffering these symptoms.

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Expand your mind: get a dose of culture in Birmingham

EAT, DRINK, SLEEP

Birmingham ENGLAND

UNITED KINGDOM

Birmingham

Stylish oasis Lasan aims to reinvent everything most people think about Indian cuisine. In 2010, they won the title of “Best Local Restaurant in the UK” on Gordon Ramsey’s F Word (lasangroup.com).

LONDON

GETTING THERE Virgin Trains (virgintrains. co.uk) run services from London to Birmingham (two hours) with return fares starting at less than £20

Informal and seriously relaxed Kashmiri serves excellent baltis, but plenty else besides and is great value too.

(0121 4334320).

Head down to the Tap & Spile for a hearty pint of ale in this traditional pub, which dates back to 1821, making it older than much of the city. (tapandspilebirmingham.co.uk).

Sink into a comfy sofa, soak up the canal views and enjoy a drink on the heated terrace at Bar Room Bar. (barroombar.com).

Chic hotel group Malmaison has gone all new Birmingham and reinvented the old Royal Mail sorting office into a slick, moody boutique hotel by the water’s edge. It does great food too. Double rooms from £89 (malmaison.com).

Selfridges: creative, modern architecture 78

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Mint Hotel is a surprisingly modern hotel considering they offer double rooms from £85. Look out for the new cocktail bar and large terrace (minthotel.com).

UKTRIP

Brum deal With a buzzing arts scene and a revamped centre, Birmingham is firmly on the travel map

Photos: Getty, Thinkstock

WORDS ROBIN MCKELVIE

Birmingham may be Britain’s second largest city, but these days its inhabitants (the Brummies) are no longer content to play second fiddle to London. And neither should they, as I discovered when I headed to a city where I found more canals than Venice, a totally revamped centre, a buzzing arts scene and one of the most impressive budget culinary sensations in Britain.

Birmingham and that, shall we say, ‘distinctive’ Brummie accent – it has been voted Britain’s ‘least cool’ – has not enjoyed the best press over the years. Katie, the first proud Brummie I chat to in a café outside the railway station, is keen to set the record straight: “It’s totally unfair. We don’t get the recognition we deserve up here. London may have the Olympics, but we’ve got Ozzy Osbourne, UB40, The Streets, Cadburys and the balti!”

There is indeed nothing like Birmingham’s famous balti.

Unlike Brick Lane in London, the ‘Balti Triangle’ is far more than just one street. Its tentacles spread right across the south of the city through the quarters of Sparkbrook, Balsall Heath and Moseley. My waiter Aadi explains when the craze first swept through Birmingham: “Baltis grew first amongst the Pakistani and Kashmiri communities in the 1970s as a cheap way to enjoy cheap, tasty cooking. They have not looked back since and ours get eaten as fast as we can cook them!” Conflicting stories surround the origin of the balti, a cross between a British stew and an Indian curry, but after my first mouthful I don’t doubt its lip-smacking deliciousness.

I do regret ordering the large ‘karack’ naan bread, though, as it covers most of my table.

The balti tradition may still be going strong, but Birmingham is not a city to rest on its laurels. Walking around the centre, I see straight away why Birmingham has become one of the hottest shopping and weekend break destinations outside London. The Mailbox and the Bullring have taken rundown old areas and injected them with creative modern architecture. Big name stores like Selfridges and Harvey Nichols have moved into a canal-studded centre that has been revamped with pedestrians in mind.

Birmingham is also a city of quarters and mercifully for my budget they were not all stuffed with designer stores. There’s also a flurry of colourful markets where you can seek out a bargain. Right in the centre I come across the legendary

Jewellery Quarter, home of the city’s craftsmen since the 18th century. Here in a shopping experience charmingly the polar opposite of Harvey Nichols, I have a ring designed, then forged as I eat lunch, at a fraction of what you would pay in London.

Birmingham is Lord Of The Rings in more ways than one, as the author JRR Tolkien spent much of his childhood in the city. He used many of its brooding industrial and natural landscapes in his novels and I could make out the unmistakable towers of Minas Morgul and Minas Tirith.

There is an official Tolkien Trail, which can be a bit tricky to

“

Birmingham has Ozzy Osbourne and balti

”

follow, but there are guided tours to keep you on the right track (guidingyou.co.uk).

More cerebral attractions include a flurry of art galleries and museums. I pop into the buzzy café at the avant garde Ikon Gallery (ikon-gallery.co.uk). One of the ultra-friendly staff, Emma, fills me on the city’s burgeoning cultural scene: “There is so much here and not just cutting-edge culture,” she says. “The Edgbaston and the Barber Institute of Fine Arts is a seriously underrated collection boasting works by Turner, Whistler, Manet, Pissarro and Degas, while the Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery tells the story of our city.”

It might not be quite up alongside London yet, but Britain’s second largest city is now firmly on my travel map. I’ll be going back for sure, not least for NEXT WEEK another balti, but I’ll be making sure this time to bring someone See the real Belfast on a else along to share that massive black cab tour naan bread. ❚ For tourist information, see

visitbirmingham.com

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Gaudi’s Parc Guell: Three nights in Barcelona is £299 with lowcostholidays.com

DEAL OF THE WEEK CZECH REPUBLIC

£189

Four nights in Prague is £189 with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes flights and B&B. Departs Oct 10.

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GREECE An eight-day Sail Greece (Mykonos-Bodrum) tour is £260 (save 60 per cent) with Travel Talk (020 8099 8852; traveltalktours. com). Includes seven nights’ B&B accommodation, seven lunches and one dinner. Visit Mykonos, Paros, Naxos, Ios, Santorini, Laros, Kos and more.

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SPAIN Three nights in Barcelona is £299 with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes flights and accommodation. Departs Oct 5.

EGYPT A 15-day Pyramids & Beaches tour is £320 (save £50) with Gobus (020 7471 6400; thegobus.com). Includes Nile Felucca cruising. Departs Sep 11.

> £500 JORDAN A six-day Passage to Petra tour is £535 (save £94) with On The Go (020 7371 1113; onthegotours.com). Includes the Rose City of Petra, Roman ruins, a desert safari at Wadi Rum, bobbing like a cork on the Dead Sea and Jerash.

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SPAIN & PORTUGAL An 11-day tour through southern Spain and Portugal is £856 (was £1069) with Gap Adventures (0844 272 2040; gapadventures.com). Includes local transport and accommodation. Visit Barcelona, Alhambra, Valencia, Granada, Seville and more. Departs Oct 27.

EUROPE The 20-day European Experience tour is £1392 (save £202) with Contiki (0845 0750990; contiki.com/experience). Includes Paris, the French Riviera, Florence, Rome, Amsterdam and more. Departs Sep 16.

DAILY TRAVEL DEALS GO TO tntmagazine.com/travel/latedeals where new travel deals are updated daily.

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OKTOBERFEST Join six million drinkers in an epic bender by going on a four-day Oktoberfest Closing Week tour for £151 (save 20 per cent) with Travel Talk (020 8099 8852; traveltalktours.com).

Includes B&B accommodation, a tour leader and a fun-filled welcome party.

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by Sep 15.

FUERTEVENTURA Seven nights in surfers’ paradise Fuerteventura, in the Canary Islands, is £215 with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes self-catering accommodation and flights. Departs Oct 4.

CROATIA An eight-day Sail Croatia (Split-Dubrovnik-Split) tour is £147 (save 60 per cent) with Travel Talk (020 8099 8852; traveltalktours. com). Includes seven nights’ abovedeck accommodation, seven breakfasts and seven lunches. Visit Split, Brav, Hvar, Korcula, Dubrovnik, Mijet, Slano and more. Departs Sep 10, 17 and 24.

Excludes flights, local payment, fuel supplement and port taxes. Book by Sep 30.

SCOTLAND Two nights in the historic city of Edinburgh is £179 with Anderson Tours (020 7436 9304; andersontours.co.uk).

Includes train travel, transfers, sightseeing with a local guide and B&B accommodation. Departs Sep 9.

£250 – £500

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LAILA PACHECO

Talks travel photography

WINNER

HOT TIPS: Without flash Shooting indoors in low lighting will force you to change your shooting habits – but it’s not as hard as you’d think.

Whether you are using a film camera – these perform better in low lighting – or a digital one, the principle is the same. Choose a higher iso; this can depend on how much natural light you are getting

– but anything from 800-1000 should work fine. Then go to the lowest aperture you can to widen the hole that lets light in.

Next, choose the shutter speed.

This all depends on how still you can hand-hold your camera with out shaking it and making your image blurry. Try anything from an 80th upwards.

RUNNER-UP

WINNER THE GREAT HAGIA SOPHIA AT DUSK Grace Manurung, Cologne, Germany

WHY IT WORKS Your eye is automatically drawn to the top right of the image. Starting with the dome, you slowly work your way down the many layers and elements. The people at the bottom give perspective to how gigantic the building is. Grace has slightly tilted the camera and this captured a floor-to-ceiling view. The big solid doors either side of the image have helped frame it and give a different dimension.

RUNNER-UP HARDAP DAM, NAMIBIA, AT SUNSET Emma Mui, Nazeing, Essex

WHY IT WORKS The clean lines of this image make it visually pleasing.

The slight flare coming off the sun gives a starry element. The rays from the sun reflect off the water, turning it a warming red. Silhouetting has created a much punchier sky which really makes it stand out.

A THREE-DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com).

Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

WIN

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TOP FIVE

1

CARIBBEAN ISLANDS

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JAMAICA

For most people, Jamaica conjures up images of reggae, rum and a thoroughly relaxed vibe. There’s no doubting that this is a fair portrayal of this easygoing country, but that’s by no means the whole picture. There is so much more to Jamaica, with a unique character and distinct cultural heritage that sets it apart from other Caribbean islands.

The connection to Africa remains firmly rooted in the Jamaican psyche, with many of the traditions surviving to this day. Out of Jamaica’s cultural melting pot came the Rastafarian movement and, later on in the 20th century, reggae. The legendary Bob Marley is, of course, synonymous with this musical genre and visitors will find plenty of Marley memorabilia and tributes throughout the country.

For an insight into his life, head to the Bob Marley museum (bobmarleyfoundation.com/museum), based in his home and recording studio in Kingston.

The island could also claim to be the birthplace of Britain’s not-so-secret 82 00

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secret agent, James Bond. Most of 007’s adventures were conceived and written at Ian Fleming’s home, Goldeneye, now a hotel (goldeneye.com). In fact, Jamaica features heavily in Fleming’s stories, with Bond visiting the island in Live And Let Die and at least four others. Movie buffs might also like to take a trip to James Bond beach, used in the filming of Dr No. Jamaica is home to some fantastic diving spots around Runaway Bay and Ocho Rios. Magnificent stretches of stunning sands and tiny fishing villages dotted along the coast offer a glimpse into the true heart of the island.

Nature lovers should make a beeline for the wetlands for the chance to spot endangered crocodiles and manatees.

For a unique way to experience the country and its culture, it’s a great idea to stay with a local family rather than visiting the resorts that make up the majority of Jamaica’s accommodation options. The tourist board can help organise this. Oh, and did I mention the jerk chicken? It packs a hot punch here. visitjamaica.com

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TOP FIVE CHECKING IN

2

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC

The Dominican Republic is the archetypal Caribbean island with its clear waters, white-sand beaches and year-round sunshine.

Perhaps that’s why it is the most visited Caribbean country. There’s also plenty to do here, from whale watching to some of the best surfing in the Caribbean. What’s more, you’ll get bang for your buck, so you can enjoy yourself without burning a hole in your pocket. godominicanrepublic.com

Photos: Thinkstock; Getty

4

DOMINICA

With no direct international flights, Dominica has managed to ward off the mass tourism market, giving it an undiscovered feel.

Fantastic mountain treks, numerous waterfalls, ancient forests and great snorkeling combine to give Dominica its well-deserved moniker “The Nature Island”. Boiling Lake, reached via a day-long hike through the Valley of Desolation, is a ghostly body of water sitting on top of molten lava. It is one of the country’s greatest draws. dominica.dm

3

PUERTO RICO

Get back to nature

Puerto Rico seamlessly fuses elements of Latin and Caribbean culture with a contemporary and cosmopolitan American-inspired outlook.

Spectacular beaches and colonial sites abound, while reggaeton (Latino hip-hop) and salsa provide the musical backdrop. The Spanish and Englishspeaking island is also home to some gorgeous natural landscapes, including El Yunque rainforest and a million-yearold cave system in the northwest. seepuertorico.com

5

HAITI

After the earthquake of 2010, Haiti has been on a slow road to recovery. There are plenty of opportunities to get stuck in and help rebuild the country, much of which still lies in ruins.

Plenty of NGOs and governments are still working tirelessly to help the hundreds of thousands of people affected by the earthquake. In spite of the tragedy, locals remain fiercely proud and welcoming. Spanish forts, colonial cities and beaches still rival most other Caribbean islands.

HACIENDA AGUASANA OVERVIEW Framed by rolling mountains and surrounded by grassy meadows where horse and buffalo graze, this remote hacienda can be found in the lush Paria region of northeast Venezuela. Nearby are the idyllic beaches of Playa Medina and Playa Puy Puy. WOW FACTOR “Aguasana” means health and wellbeing through water and mud, and this hacienda offers 17 pond-sized geothermally heated pools, which vary in temperature. Some of the pools pong of sulphur while others bubble with hot mud.

There is a shallow well full of mud which can be slathered on using a stick-long spatula, said to work wonders for the skin.

ROOMS Guest rooms are simple but comfortable with air conditioning.

BILL PLEASE 215 Venezuelan Bolivar Fuerte (£30) pppn, based on six sharing. Single rooms for 280 VEF (£40) pppn.

Includes breakfast, dinner, use of the swimming pool and thermal pools.

Carretera El Pilar, Guiria, A 5 Km. de Tunapuy, Estado Sucre, Venezuela posadaaguasana.com

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TRAVELTIPS

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Jump right in: Slovenia is a great destination for outdoor adventure

YOU ASKED FOR IT...

LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

work in travel but want to take time Q Iout (about three months) to journey

wife and I have booked a holiday Q My to Abu Dhabi over New Year’s Eve. Do

around Europe. What’s the most economical mode of transport, what are the must-see sights and how much would you recommend I budget for? Sarah, via email

you have any suggestions of what to do on December 31 and how to spend the evening to make it special? Simon, via email

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picked a great destination to spend A You’ve New Year’s Eve as Abu Dhabi is one place that certainly won’t let the festivities pass without a fanfare. Exact events for the date are not listed this early in the year but judging by previous years’ events you should not be disappointed.

The major hosts of New Year parties will be the city’s opulent hotels, many of which will also put on impressive firework displays. The Emirates Palace Hotel (emiratespalace.com) is a good place to start, as this is likely to have one of the most lavish events, with stars including Rihanna performing at their previous parties on December 31.

In addition to the usual festivities, Abu Dhabi will host the Volvo Ocean Race third leg stopover (abudhabioceanracing.ae). The international sailing race will stop off in Abu Dhabi and will feature all manner of events, including a spectacular welcome ceremony on New Year’s Day. The city will have a race village, open from December 30 until January 14, which will be packed with activities and entertainment, including game zones and simulators.

Check individual hotel websites and abudhabievents.ae for specific information on events nearer the time.

READERS’ TIPS IBIZA ON THE CHEAP TIP September is the least OF THE expensive time to visit WEEK Ibiza. I would recommend staying near the beach, Playa d’en Bossa, as it offers a variety of watersports, including paragliding, windsurfing and volleyball. It’s only 2km from Ibiza town and 10 minutes from the airport. Plus, the worldfamous club Space is within walking distance and it’s easy to find affordable three-star accommodation here.

The beach is home to the fabulous DJ bar, Bora Bora, which has the best sunset parties and is free to get into.

The cost of alcohol is very expensive in bars and clubs, so I would recommend buying it in supermarkets where you can find one litre cartons of Sangria for ¤3 (£2.66). Bars and restaurants often charge ¤25 (£22) for a jug of Sangria!

Dee, via email CASH IT IN When visiting Cuba, take pounds sterling and then change them at the airport. Do not take US dollars as you will be charged a 10 per cent fee when trying to exchange them.

Rachel, via email

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sounds like the perfect opportunity for A This an inter-rail trip. The European rail network is one of the easiest and most economic ways of travelling the continent. The inter-rail website (interrailnet.com) is a useful resource to work out which combination of passes is suitable for you. Costs vary depending on which regions of Europe you would like to focus on, length of trip, number of countries you would like to visit and whether you are eligible for a youth ticket. How much you spend is entirely down to how much of Europe you would like to see.

I would suggest that you focus on a few countries in Europe, reducing the cost and enabling you to really get to the heart of these chosen countries. A great trip could be to choose a few adjacent countries such as Italy, Slovenia and Croatia. Italy has more than its fair share of iconic sights such as the Colosseum, leaning tower of Pisa and the canals of Venice, while Slovenia is a great destination for outdoor adventure and Croatia for its coastline and islands.

Unfortunately, travelling on the pound means nowhere in Europe is going to be a bargain, so book accommodation early to ensure you can bag a cheap bed.

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KAUNAS, LITHUANIA Gytis Pauliukaitis, Lithuania (living in London)

BEST / WORST TRIP NIKLAS JENSEN, 26

AZZAM ALKADHI, 25

Copenhagen, Denmark

London

BEST I recently spent a few weeks in Corfu with my girlfriend. We rented a car and drove around the island.

Despite the narrow and winding mountain roads, the lack of road signs and the fact we frequently got lost, we had a fantastic time. The locals were friendly and helpful and we saw so many interesting places by going the wrong way.

The weather was perfect and the beaches are beautiful.

WORST A trip to a Danish island called Bornholm with my family. It rained heavily all week and we couldn’t do anything. We all went home feeling a bit annoyed. » Tell us your best/worst trips, email janine.kelso@ tntmagazine.com

Your most memorable travel experience?

The Trans-Siberian railway from Moscow to Beijing. I met great people, even though we couldn’t speak the same language!

Any scary travelling experiences?

Discovering that none of my cards worked in Cuba. I only had enough cash for a couple of days, although my flight wasn’t for three weeks. Thankfully, the good people at the British Embassy came to my rescue.

Ideal travel companion?

Eddie Murphy. But he might get annoying.

SPLASHING OUT

Photos: TNT; Thinkstock

THE TRAVELLER

STAND ON THE ROOFTOP OF AFRICA Challenge yourself to trek the famous Mt Kilimanjaro as Tanzania celebrates the 50th anniversary of its independence this year.

The 12-day Lemosho Route tour is £2449 with The Adventure Company (0845 287 1198; adventurecompany.co.uk). Includes flights, transport, accommodation and most meals.

THE INSIDER

PHIL PARTRIDGE, marketing manager Rhinocarhire.com

The best part of my job is developing the brand and improving our product and service.

My most challenging travel experience was negotiating a 3000-mile road trip around Europe, avoiding motorways on a road atlas of 16 miles to one inch when the satnav broke after 500 miles.

My favourite place in the world is home – I keep coming back. Malcesine in Lake Garda, Italy, is a close second.

The next trip on my travel wishlist is to do a road trip on the West Coast of California. I’d love to explore The Big Sur, a scenic part of California’s central coast, in a Mustang convertible.

My guilty travel pleasure is checking Facebook – and work emails of course – on the hotel wi-fi.

I always pack on behalf of my wife, secretly discarding a few pairs of shoes that I know she won’t wear!

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Happy locals: you’ll be genuinely welcomed

Wroclaw POLAND

POLAND

WARSAW

Wroclaw

GETTING THERE Ryanair flies to Wroclaw from London Stansted from £29.99 one-way (ryanair.com).

Visit in the spring or autumn when the weather is dry and warm.

Explore cathedrals, left, and street life

[Caption] 86

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In Pole position Little-known Wroclaw offers a stellar nightlife, a rich culture and 150 dwarf statues. Get there while it’s still undiscovered WORDS JO CAIRD

You have to watch where you’re walking in Wroclaw. On my first day in the south-western Polish city I almost go flying as, my face buried in a map, I fail to notice a diminutive statue of a dwarf set into the pavement. My little bronze friend, I later discover, is just one of around 150 in the city, placed to commemorate the work of the Orange Alliance, a protest group that dressed as dwarves as a way of ridiculing the police and government. What might appear at first glance as examples of cutesy street art are actually proud symbols of Wroclaw’s place at the forefront of Poland’s prodemocracy movement in the 1980s.

Having put away my map, with eyes carefully scanning the road in front of me, my visit begins properly at Wroclaw’s Rynek, or main square. It has the feel of Brussels or Vienna, but without the tacky tourist cafes, souvenir shops and people getting in the way of your photos.

Wroclaw (pronounced ‘Vrots-waf’) is Poland’s fourth largest city, boasts 40 festivals annually, and offers food and accommodation at a fraction of the cost of most top European destinations, yet barely registers on people’s city break radars.

As I gaze up at the extravagant façade of Wroclaw’s 14th-century City Hall, I’m amazed it managed to survive the terrible bombing that wreaked such havoc during the Second World War. It is now the city’s main meeting point and buzzes with activity day and night.

Overlooking the square is another survivor, the grand and imposing St Elisabeth’s Church, which also dates back to the 14th century. I drag myself up the 300 steep steps to reach the observation deck at the top of the church’s 91m spire, and gaze out over the city, gasping for breath. About 60 per cent of Wroclaw was destroyed during the war, but, unlike in so many former Soviet cities, rebuilding was done sympathetically, meaning that the city is full of historical character and a great place to lose yourself wandering around for a couple of days.

A short walk from the Rynek, through Wroclaw’s compact and buzzing university district – home to the beautiful Aula Leopoldina, an elaborately decorated Baroque lecture hall in the main university building – brings me to the River Odor and its cluster of petite islands. I’m kept occupied for a whole afternoon exploring the chilled-out green spaces and lovely medieval churches, including the city’s impressive cathedral,

and reading the inscriptions on the hundreds of padlocks left by lovers on Tumski – aka Love – Bridge. The evening offers a cultural excursion usually off limits in London because of its expensive price tag: the opera. For less than the price of the cinema at home (tickets start at 21 Zloty or about £5), I

“

It’s like Vienna, but without the tacky cafes

”

find myself in the luxurious surroundings of the 19th-century opera house, watching an obscure work called King Roger.

It’s entirely in Polish, so I don’t understand a word, but the music is beautiful and it’s a great opportunity to get dressed up and experience the classier side of life in Wroclaw.

The city’s pride and joy is the Raclawice Panorama, a massive circular painting of an 18th-century battle. ››

Wroclaw: beautiful at night TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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When I confess to the hotel concierge that this doesn’t really sound like my thing, she gasps, genuinely offended that I might be about to miss out on the city’s chief attraction.

Encouraged by her enthusiasm, I give it a go. As I walk around the bunker that houses the painting, taking in the huge display and its bizarrely realistic 3D detailing, a booming commentary narrates the story of the battle and the painting itself. The Panorama is an art gallery and history lesson in one, and definitely worth making time for.

My final night in the city is dedicated to bar-hopping, taking in a late-night live funk jam at Schody Donik d on Plac Solny; sampling the many beers on offer at Spiz, the bar and micro-brewery beneath City Hall; and gorging myself on snacks at the one after another of the bars in the railway arches on Wojciecha Boguslawskiego Street. Tourists are still pretty rare here, meaning we attract friendly interest from the locals, who are quick with their smiles and chat.

Next summer Wroclaw will be one of the host cities for the UEFA EURO 2012 championships, so if you want to visit while it’s still undiscovered, now’s your moment. Tell the dwarves hello from me. ❚

Wander among Wroclaw’s chilled-out vibe

NEXT WEEK Get way off the beaten track in littleknown Greenland

MIDRANGE

LUXURY

Kuchnia Marché is a great-value buffet restaurant with a wide range of international options (marche.com.pl).

Lwowska offers traditional Polish cuisine among brilliantly eccentric décor that’s reminiscent of an old country dining room (lwowska.com.pl).

Bernard is the perfect spot to watch the world go by on the Rynek, while munching on beautifully fresh Polish and international dishes (bernard. wroclaw.pl).

DRINK

There’s a rowdy atmosphere at Spiz, an ancient bar at a fantastic micro-brewery located beneath City Hall (spiz.pl).

Mleczyrnia is the hippest, yet least pretentious bar in town. Popular with students, it was the first place to open up on what is now a fantastic street for nightlife (http://mle.pl).

With live music until late most nights, a tempting cocktail menu and a decadent vibe, Schody Donikad is the best of Plac Solny’s many bars (schodydonikad.pl).

SLEEP

The recently opened Moon Hostel is a cosy hostel, situated within walking distance of the Old Town.

Dorm beds from £7.39pppn when booking through hostelbookers.com.

If you like the sound of Mleczyrnia, then why not stay at the bar’s sister establishment, the super-friendly Mleczarnia Hostel. Dorm beds from £10pppn (mleczarniahostel.pl).

With no reception desk, the emphasis is on self-service at the sleek Puro Hotel and all the rooms at this new hotel have the latest technological gadgets. Double rooms from £60pn (purohotel.pl).

EAT

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BUDGET

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Bite-sized Big Apple This is New York in 48 hours WORDS AZZAM ALKADHI

DAY 1: 09:00 Grab yourself an organic coffee at the awardwinning Jack’s Stir Brew (jacksstirbrew.com) on Front Street and get served by some of New York’s friendliest experts. Then head down to Pier 17 for a great view of Brooklyn Bridge. The area, formerly teeming with dock labourers and the hustle and bustle of the fish market, is now a mish-mash of modern, upmarket shops and unique 19th-century warehouse buildings.

11:00 For the best way to see the Statue of Liberty, hop on the Staten Island Commuter Ferry, from which you’ll also catch a glimpse of Wall Street’s awe-inspiring skyscrapers. What’s more, the journey is free, providing a hassle-free way to check out some of New York’s sights.

The round-trip journey takes about 50 minutes.

13:00 Make your way over to the Lower East Side where you’ll find a vibrant Jewish population as well as an artsy student crowd. Originally home to immigrants from Eastern Europe and, during the 1990s, Puerto Rican and Chinese workers, this has become one of the city’s hippest neighbourhoods. Indulge in a local delicacy at the famous Katz’s Deli (katzsdelicatessen.com), proud purveyor of New York’s finest pastrami sandwich. Alternatively, bag a bagel at Russ & Daughters (russanddaughters.com), which has been an integral part of the area since 1914.

15:00 If you’re after a spot of retail therapy, you can’t do better than the world’s largest department store, Macy’s (macys.com). Sure, it’s not nearly as glamorous as the likes of Bloomingdale’s, Barneys or Saks, but the sheer scale of the place and the amount of choice available to shoppers 90

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is simply breathtaking. You could spend hours wandering round its 10 floors and, when you’re tired of getting lost, there is a Ben & Jerry’s cafe for those with a hankering for some just-for-the-US flavours.

18:00 The chic NoLita (north of Little Italy) neighbourhood has plenty of boutiques selling one-off clothing items and is also the perfect place to have an early evening cocktail and watch the world go by. Hipster bar Botanica (47 E Houston Street) is a favourite with single arty types.

21:00 After feasting on some tasty dim sum at Hong Kong style eatery Jing Fong (20 Elizabeth Street) in Chinatown, wander over to West Village (otherwise known as Greenwich Village) with its quaint mix of cobbled streets and elegant buildings. There are nightspots to suit all tastes and budgets – dominated by New York University, much of the area caters towards the students, but there are also plenty of stylish bars and restaurants to the west of Sixth Avenue.

Swanky hangouts for New York’s moneyed class abound in the Meatpacking District, while Christopher Street is the heart of the city’s gay scene.

DAY 2: 09:00 Get some fuel ahead of a long day’s sightseeing at the Lexington Candy Shop (lexington candyshop.net). Be sure to try their French toast fry-up.

10:30 After an artery-clogging breakfast, saunter towards the Metropolitan Museum of Art (metmuseum.org), housing more than million works of art from Europe, Africa, the Americas and the Islamic world.

12:30 Radio City Music Hall (radiocity.com) is Sixth Avenue’s Art Deco gem. The world’s largest chandeliers

Hang out with the locals in Central Park

Photos: TNT, Getty

adorn the extravagant entrance hall, while the stunning auditorium resembles a glorious sunset. Designated a National Landmark, this is 1930s opulence at its best.

Tours cost $17 (£10).

14:00 Take some time out to relax in the magnificent greenery of Central Park (centralpark.com). Home to an ice rink, zoo, mini-amusement park, fountains and ponds, this is the perfect place to rest your legs and unwind. For an extraordinary feeling of peace and quiet in the heart of the city, rent a boat and gaze at the skyscrapers from the middle of the lake.

17:30 For the best views of New York City, head to the Top of the Rock observation deck at the Rockefeller Centre (rockefellercenter.com). From here you can admire the iconic Empire State Building while avoiding its crowds.

Tickets cost $23 (£14).

20:00 To cap it all off, take in a show. While most of the big productions are based on Broadway, you might be better off visiting an Off Broadway (bestoffoffbroadway.com) play. With costs at the main venues continuing to rise, many respected playwrights are opting to open their shows in some of the smaller theatres.

Top shows to see now include Avenue Q and Miss Abigail’s Guide To Dating, Mating And Marriage.

Fly from London to New York City (7h10mins) from £383 return with US Airways, Virgin Atlantic, Iceland Air, Continental usairways.com; Airlines, Aer Lingus and other airlines continental.com; icelandair.co.uk; virgin-atlantic.com

See the Statue of Liberty from the Staten Island Commuter Ferry

Sometimes it’s cheaper to see an Off Broadway play TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Stopovers THE WORLD

Bright lights, big city: Hong Kong 92

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Top of the stops Making the mammoth 26-hour flight to Australia or New Zealand?

Then book a few days in one of these fabulous locations en route WORDS JANINE KELSO

You’ll need to stop and change planes if you’re flying to Australia or New Zealand, so, rather than spending a few dull hours at the airport, take a break and have an adventure instead. Here, we outline some of the most popular stopovers you can make, as well as some surprising, lesser-known ones.

Best for: bargain shopping Hong Kong Flight times: From London 11.5-13 hours; Sydney 9 hours; Auckland 10 hours.

Fly with: Cathay Pacific Why go? Shopping is practically a religion in Hong Kong, its glut of funky street markets providing ample opportunities for bargain hunting. Haggle for bags and accessories at Ladies’ Market, in Tung Choi Street, while Temple Street Night Market has a chaotic mix of stalls selling clothing, watches and electronic gadgets, as well as food kiosks offering fresh seafood. Find out if you’ll ever return to the cosmopolitan city by consulting the fortune tellers at the Yau Ma Tei end of the street.

Don’t miss: A trip up 552m-high Victoria Peak by walking or taking the Peak Tram for an eye-popping view over the Chinese city’s famous harbour.

See: discoverhongkong.com

species such as the white rhino, the Komodo dragon and the Malayan tiger.

Must-do: It’s a cliché, but no visit to the city is complete without sipping a foamy-topped Singapore Sling at the Long Bar at the luxurious Raffles Hotel. The world-famous drink was lovingly concocted by hotel bartender Ngiam Tong Boon circa 1915.

See: yoursingapore.com Best for: Lost In Translation-style nightlife Tokyo Flight times: From London 11.5-12.5 hours; Sydney 9-10 hours; Auckland 11 hours.

Fly with: Air China Why go? As night falls, Tokyo blossoms into a whirl of neon lights and paper lanterns. Head to a Japanese pub ››

Best for: animal magic Singapore Flight times: From London 12.5 hours; Sydney eight hours; Auckland 10 hours.

Fly with: Singapore Airlines Why go? Shopping and high-rises aside, Singapore is home to the world’s best zoo thanks to its open-air concept and giant enclosures, set within a 70-acre lush rainforest landscape. Small monkeys, birds, turtles and orangutans are free to roam alongside visitors, while the more fearsome animals are enclosed by subtle barriers that include streams, moats and rocks. As well as white tigers, lemurs, polar bears, kangaroos and Asian elephants, goggle at endangered

Cuddly: ogle white tigers at Singapore Zoo TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Opulent: Bangkok’s Grand Palace

where you can line your stomach with small dishes while sipping on beer or sake. For some silly fun, continue the party by visiting a karaoke box – a Tokyo institution made globally famous by the movie Lost In Translation – where you can croon away in small private rooms. Every room has an intercom via which you can order snacks and drinks. Whether it’s down to libations of booze or the musical atmosphere, the normally formal Japanese office workers quickly morph into no-holds-barred party animals.

Must-do: Pinch your nose in preparation for a trip to the chaotic Tsukiji Central Fish Market, where you’ll find 2246 tonnes of fish for sale, including tanks of live exotic fish and giant tuna. Get there at 5am for a slice of the action.

Once you’ve had an eyeful of fish, treat yourself to a sushi breakfast.

See: seejapan.co.uk

spare ribs, swing by Raohe Street Night Market.

Must-do: Explore the drop-dead gorgeous Taroko National Park, awash with epic gorges, grand canyons and dramatic mountains. It’s a few hours by train from Taipei.

See: go2taiwan.net Best for: bohemian hangouts San Francisco Flight times: London 10-12 hours; Sydney 13-15 hours; Auckland 12-13.5 hours.

Best for: great dumplings Taipei Flight times: From London 15-16.5 hours; Sydney 11 hours; Auckland 14-15 hours.

Fly with: China Airlines Why go? Dining out is an integral part of Taiwanese social life and this modern and energetic city has eateries on every street corner. Eat at DinTaiFung restaurant (dintaifung.com), famous for its delicate steamed dumplings stuffed with everything from crab meat and pork to mushrooms. The city’s night markets offer cheap and tasty fare, as well as providing the opportunity to try various Taiwanese delicacies.

The Keelung Temple market is renowned for its cuisine, with melt-in-the-mouth snacks including pancake soup, Tempura and fried sandwiches. For stomach-warming herb-steamed 94

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Striking cityscape: Taipei

Fly with: Virgin Atlantic, Qantas Why go? Probably the most cosmopolitan of America’s cities, San Francisco has many personalities. Hobnob with buskers and artists in the coffee shops and vintage boutiques in hippy Haight Street, then munch on a burrito or quaff cocktails in the hip bars that crowd the Mission district, where Latino and hipster cultures rub shoulders.

Must-do: Rent a bike and cycle over the Golden Gate Bridge to Sausalito, a tiny holiday town across the bay. If you can’t face cycling back, catch the ferry back to the city.

See: visitcalifornia.co.uk Best for: hippy adventures Bali Flight times: From London 17-19 hours; Auckland 12 hours; Sydney 5.45 hours Fly with: Cathay Pacific, Singapore Airlines Why go? Escape tourist-choked Kuta and find rugged surf beaches, monkey-infested temples and lashings of culture. Smack in the middle of the island and surrounded by lush-green paddy fields and terraced hillside is Ubud, a bohemian town that’s a hub for artisans. Explore the Sacred Monkey Forest Sanctuary, home to three ancient temples set within a tangle of rainforest. Then treat yourself to some R&R by indulging in a Javanese mandi lulur body scrub at the beautiful Cendana Resort & Spa. Based on an ancient two-hour palace ritual, the treatment includes a vigorous massage, a skin scrub and a soak in a petal-filled bath.

Must do: Scuba diving with manta rays in Padangbai in East Bali. There are numerous first-class dive operators in the town that offer diving excursions where you’re almost guaranteed to see the majestic creatures.

See: balitourismboard.org Best for: culture vultures Bangkok Flight times: From London 12 hours; Sydney 8.5 hours; Auckland 12.5 hours Fly with: Emirates, Etihad, Thai Airways Why go? Traffic-choked Bangkok is a whirl of tuk-tuks and pollution, but it’s also ripe with cultural attractions. Shun the backpacker-swamped Khao San Road and head to the Grand Palace to visit the Reclining and Emerald Buddhas – two ›› of Thailand’s favourite holy statues. The tiny Emerald

The Insider's guide Paul Bondsfield, from Round the World Experts talks round-the-world flights What are the top round the world routes for 2011-12?

Classic itineraries that give a taste of Asia, Australasia and the US continue to be among the most popular in the coming year. Other hot favourites are Africa, Central and South America and we’re seeing an increased demand for Malaysia and Borneo. Burma is also becoming more popular after travel embargoes were lifted earlier this year and we introduced the country as a stopover for the first time.

How can travellers plan their RTW trip to save money?

The best way is to plan your trip well in advance in order to take advantage of the best bargains available.

Time your travel during low season as this is when fares will generally be the cheapest. Round the world flights departing the UK in February to May and September to November are the cheapest but fares may vary depending on your destination of choice. Use hub cities, which are the airlines’ home, eg Emirates’ hub is Dubai; for Cathay Pacific, it’s Hong Kong. The trick is to fly into a major city, go overland – the best way to see a country anyway – and then fly out from another major city.

How would you recommend planning a RTW trip with a difference?

Plan a RTW trip around your hobbies. If you are a sports lover, map the globe as the biggest games happen. Alternatively, create an itinerary that allows you to be a part of some of the biggest festivals in the world. From the Burning Man in Nevada to Mardi Gras in Australia and Diwali in India – each offers an unforgettable opportunity to be a part of local celebrations. Consider planning your trip with a wishlist of skills you want to gain. Learn to rustle up a delicious Thai meal in Chiang Mai or realise your dream of being an actor by taking part in a star-studded Bollywood movie.

What’s new in the world of RTW flights?

We’ll be offering RTW itineraries that fly directly into Vietnam after Vietnam Airlines announced direct flights from London starting in December this year.

Can travellers go to South America, Africa and the Pacific on a RTW ticket?

Absolutely – the world is your oyster. The Pacific Islands are always a popular side-trip for those heading Down Under.

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Buddha is just 60cm-high and is always wearing clothes that reflect the season – a shawl in winter and a crown in summer.

Take a river bus to Chinatown where you can negotiate the obstacle course of oriental street vendors, shoppers and traffic.

Must-do: Take a tuk-tuk ride for some serious fun on the road.

See: visit-thailand.info ❚

Be dazzled by neon: Tokyo

Bridging the Gap: San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge

STOPOVERS: TOP TIPS HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR TRIP SHOP AROUND Find the best possible fare by phoning at least two or three travel agents, such as STA Travel, Trailfinders and Flight Centre. Before flexing your credit card, ask about airport taxes, flight connections and any concessions, as well as any visa and vaccination recommendations.

BE FLEXIBLE WITH DATES If you want to arrive in Australia in time for a sizzling Christmas, expect to fork out for the privilege. You won’t find any cheap airfares in December, as this is the busiest time for airlines. When planning your stopover, check the weather and festival schedule for the time of year you plan to travel. For example, avoid travelling to New Orleans in its hurricane season in August. You can expect to pay through the nose for flights to Rio de Janeiro around February’s Carnaval – but then, it’s probably worth the money for the opportunity to indulge in an event of a lifetime.

Explore Indonesia

NEXT WEEK

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE If you live Down Under, this journey back home might be the last big trip you take for a while so turn it into an adventure. Why not ride the Trans-Siberian railway through Russia into China, go overlanding through Africa or chill out in the Far East for a few months en route?

Learn about the nitty gritty of ranching in Canada Monkey sanctuary, Bali

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Photos: Lewis Sommer, JNTO, Getty, Thinkstock, TNT

PROTECT YOURSELF Ensure your booking is covered by travel insurance. Book your ticket through an accredited travel agent, as they are more likely to be able to assist you in case your flight is cancelled.

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Christmas in Amsterdam

Ireland

Quote/enter: PPCLMD917

4 Days 24th December From £265 contiki.com/amsterdam-christmas

8 Days / Time Out Hotel includes: Dublin, Londonderry, Galway, Cork & Kilkenny

08-Oct-11 Now £612 Save £153 Quote/enter: PPCLMD930

DEALS OF THE

Thinking of what to do for nye?

Book a tour with contiki

WEEK

Greek Island Hopping 13 Days / Time Out Hotel includes: Mykonos, Santorini, Ios

26-Sep-11 Now £625 Save £625 Quote/enter: PPCLMD916

New York New Year 4 Days 30th Dec From £645 Includes Times Square dinner & open bar contiki.com/new-york

European Encounter

Las Vegas New Year

23-Sep-11 Now £835 Save £835

4 Days 30th Dec From £539 Includes NYE club entry on ‘the Strip’ & open bar Contiki.com/las-vegas

16 Days / Time Out Hotel includes: Belgium, Netherlands, Germany, Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Austria, Italy, Vatican City, France, Monaco

For Winter tours including snowboarding and skiing trips exclusive to 18 – 35 y.o. check out contiki.com/winter or call Contiki for our latest brochure.

contiki.com | 0845 026 8900

Quote/enter: PPCLMD911

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Mount Toubkal Trek 4 days Surfing in Taghazoute 4 days Marrakech & Beyond 8 days Marrakech Sahara & Surf 11 days Camels, Souks & Kasbahs 15 days Christmas in Morocco 8 days Rock the Kasbah - New Years! 10 days

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£249 £299 £429 £629 £699

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£599 £799 £999 £1349 £1799

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www.topdeck.travel/ croatia-sailing

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T HURRY LAS PLACES! S DON’T MIS !

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10% OFF SELECTED DEPARTURES

4 DAYS

8 DAYS FROM

MAKE YOUR OWN WAY CAMPING Dep. 23-26 Sep 2011

£353

Make your own way to Munich

*

WAS

£109

NOW

£96

7 DAYS

INCLUDES €20 LOCAL PAYMENT

GROSSMEISTER CAMPING

Why Choose Topdeck?

Dep. 23-28 Sep 2011

Return coach from London!

WAS

£269

NOW

£242

Everyone aged 18 to 30 something

e www.topdeck.travel/prereleas

European trained Topdeck trip leader on every boat

EUROPE 2012

4 styles of boats to suit all budgets No hidden charges All boats 100% Topdeck

Early Bird Discount SAVE UP TO

15%

*

SEE ONLINE FOR DETAILS..

trips for 18 to 30 somethings

www.topdeck.travel/deals Flights not included. Croatia Sailing price includes local payment based on €1 = £0.88, which must be paid locally in Euros. Exchange rates correct at

L8291 / Y2992

time of printing, and subject to currency fluctuations, depending when payment is made. Oktoberfest discount cannot be combined with any other offer & is subject to availability. Only valid for Topdeck’s Oktoberfest camping trips (HTBCO, HTBC5, HTBC6 or HTBC7) departing on or after 22 September 2011. Not valid for extended trips in Europe, Egypt, Morocco, Africa, Middle East, Australia, New Zealand, other Festivals or short breaks.

www.topdeck.travel/deals

EUROHOTEL: Outstanding locations with bags of character

16 DAYS GONDOLAS GO NORTH

20% OFF

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10 DAYS EUROPE EXPRESS Dep. 16 Oct 2011

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WAS

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£1350

EUROHOTEL: Outstanding locations with bags of character

10 DAYS DEMOCRACY ROAD

£890

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EUROHOTEL: Outstanding locations with bags of character

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WAS

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£850

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£925

£690

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EUROHOTEL: Outstanding locations with bags of character

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CALL US 0845 257 5210 Prices quoted & discounts are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off trip prices only, and do not include food funds, sailing funds and local payments. Flights not included. * Europe 2012 Pre-Release discount valid until 30/9/11. 15% discount consists of 10% Early Bird discount (book & pay in full 6 months in advance) combined with 5% past passneger discount or 5% multi-trip discount. Disounts don’t apply to Food Funds, Sailing Funds or Local Payments.See website for full terms and conidtions

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we

europe

Hop-on Hop-off, Adventures & Festivals

> 33 DESTINATIONS, 9 COUNTRIES 1 ESSENTIAL TRAVEL PASS & MANY NEW TRAVEL-FRIENDS > 14 GREAT TRAVEL OPTIONS FOR EVERY BUDGET ONE WAY AND LOOP TRIPS OR MAKE IT UP AS YOU GO ON THE FLEXITRIP > FULLY FLEXIBLE YOU’RE FREE TO GO WHERE YOU WANT, WHEN YOU WANT. START AND FINISH ANYWHERE > BUDGET BACKPACKING GET BACK TO BASICS – THE CHANGE IS IN YOUR POCKET! YOU CHOOSE WHERE TO EAT, SLEEP, DRINK, AND PARTY

*

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WATCH OUR VLOGGERS

www.youtube.com/BusaboutTV FIND OUT MORE NEWS & VIEWS

www.facebook.com/BUSABOUTeurope

* Book by 18 Sept. Enter promocode ‘late’. Valid on 2011 depts only

10% OFF * 4 DAY Hostel 17, 20 & 23 SEPT £249 7 DAY Camping London Coach* 21 SEPT WAS £359 NOW £323 4 DAY Hostel London Fly* 23 SEPT WAS £469 NOW £422

PARIS CHRISTMAS 4 DAYS £339 DEPARTS LONDON 24 DECEMBER

FESTIVE PARTY TREK 11 DAYS £659 (STUDENTS £629) DEPARTS 22 DECEMBER POLAND, SLOVAKIA, HUNGARY, AUSTRIA & CZECH REPUBLIC

INCLUSIONS: Busabout Guide / Return Coach and ferry from London to Paris / 3 nights accommodation OPTION 1: Prague to Krakow (22 Dec) and 3 breakfasts / Christmas Dinner / Welcome OPTION 2: Krakow to Prague (22 Dec) dinner and drink / Bike tour and river cruise / Trip to Palace of Versailles with picnic lunch / Paris night tour INCLUSIONS: All transport with Guide / 10 nights accommodation and breakfasts / Tour of Auschwitz by coach / FREE Lonely Planet guidebook and Birkenau / Walking tour of Krakow / Christmas dinner / Christmas Eve dinner / A bottle of Champagne each / Vienna Schnapps museum / Busabout t-shirt / FREE Lonely Planet guidebook

All trips include: All accommodation, day trip to Neuschwanstien Castle, Busabout Oktoberfest T-shirt, Busabout Festival Team & Orientation walk of Munich * Book by 18 Sept. Enter promocode ‘late’. Valid on 7 day Camping Lon Coach and 4 Day Hostel Lon Fly

EUROPE TREKS 15% OFF**EASTERN Book by 18 Sept. Enter promocode ‘late’. Valid on 2011 depts only

Classic Rhapsody Trek Czech Republic, Poland, Slovakia, Hungary & Croatia 9 DAYS FROM £519 - £559

SAVE UP TO £67

NEW YEAR AMSTERDAM 4 DAYS £359

SAVE UP TO £84

Bohemian Trek Croatia, Slovenia, Austria & Czech Republic 7 DAYS FROM £409 - £449

DEPARTS LONDON 30 DECEMBER

Classic Balkan Trek

INCLUSIONS: Busabout Guide / Return coach and ferry from London to Amsterdam / 3 nights accommodation, 3 breakfasts and 1 dinner / Amsterdam info pack / Orientation tour Amsterdam / Town and country bike tour / Canal cruise around Amsterdam / FREE Lonely Planet guidebook

PLUS 15% OFF*

Turkey, Greece, Albania, Montenegro & Croatia 9 DAYS FROM £519 - £559

ITALY, SPAIN & PORTUGAL AND GREECE

* Book by 18 Sept. Enter promocode ‘late’. Valid on 2011 depts only

08450 267 514

SAVE UP TO £72

www.busabout.com

SAVE UP TO £84

Ottoman Trek Croatia, Bosnia, Serbia, Bulgaria & Turkey 7 DAYS FROM £439 - £479

info@busabout.com

Scotland, Wales, Cornwall & Ireland

ALL SCOTLAND TRIPS SAVE UP TO £40

CORNWALL & WALES SAVE UP TO £38

* Book by 18 Sept. Enter promocode ‘late’. Valid on 2011 depts only

COMPASS BUSTER guides s nate local e * passtioland, england & wal o sc l ce n * ver ever ca * ne% recommendation ide * 99 ee lonely planet gu * fr

10 DAYS

£399 now £359 (Students £379

NOW £341) Orkney, Western Isles, Isle of Skye & Loch Ness

* Book by 18 Sept. Enter promocode ‘late’. Valid on 2011 depts only

CORNWALL CRUSADER

£189 now £151 (Students £179

5 DAY

NOW £143)

Stonehenge, Newquay, Bath & Land’s End

FREE Surfing Lesson on Newquay Beach worth £30

ISLAND EXPLORER

7 DAYS

£279 now £251 (Students £259

NOW £233)

The Western Isles, Isle of Skye & Loch Ness

ORKNEY RAIDER plus ENGLAND & WALES

TRAVEL

10% OFF * 20% OFF *

5 DAYS

£179 now £161 (Students £164

WELSH EXPLORER

5 DAY

£189 now £151 (Students £179

NOW £143)

Cardiff, Snowdonia, Brecon Beacons & Conwy Castle

Entry to the Big Pit Coal Mine & entry into Conwy Castle

FREE

NOW £148)

Orkney Islands, Loch Ness & Highlands

HIGHLAND FLING

5 DAYS

£179 now £161 (Students £164

NOW £148)

Loch Ness, Isle of Skye & North West Highlands

SKYE HIGH

3 DAYS

£109 now £98 (Students £99

NOW £89)

Isle of Skye, Loch Ness & Glencoe

FESTIVE HIGHLAND CHRISTMAS & HOGMANAY Our Legendary Festive trips! Experience a Scottish Christmas in a Royal Highland Hotel.

MEGA HIGHLAND CHRISTMAS £415 DEPARTS EDINBURGH 24 DECEMBER - 5 DAY

All accommodation and breakfasts / Packed lunches on 25 and 26 December / Mulled wine on arrival to the Royal Highland Hotel / Christmas Eve party / Christmas dinner and wine / A traditional Scottish Ceilidh

INCLUSIONS:

Award Winning 3,5,7 & 10 Day Adventures Mini-Group Discounts 4bN_N[aRRQ 1R]N_ab_R` Preferred by STA Travel, Flight Centre & Travel CUTS

TOUR IRELAND

SLEEP WITH US FOR FREE

WE’ll PAY FOR YOUR ACCOMMODATION ON YOUR 3 DAY TRIP

ROYAL HIGHLAND CHRISTMAS £415 DEPART LONDON 23 DECEMBER - 5 DAY

As per 5 Day Mega Highland Christmas but with return coach travel from London plus 2 nights in Edinburgh

INCLUSIONS:

ROYAL HIGHLAND CHRISTMAS £299 DEPART EDINBURGH 24 DECEMBER - 3 DAY INCLUSIONS:

As per 5 Day Mega Highland Christmas

Visit shamrockeradventures.com/free-beds for details and enter promocode freebeds

ALL IRELAND ROCKER 7 DAYS GIANT’S ROCKER 5 DAYS £299 (STUDENTS £279)

£199 (STUDENTS £184)

GALWAY, INIS MOR & BELFAST

GALWAY, DERRY & BELFAST

FREE STUFF: Blarney Castle / Cliffs of Moher / Giant’s Causeway / Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge

FREE STUFF: Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge / Giant’s

CELTIC ROCKER 5 DAYS

SOUTHERN ROCKER 3 DAYS

£199 (STUDENTS £184)

KILLARNEY, INIS MOR/CONNEMARA FREE STUFF: Blarney Castle / Cliffs of Moher

FREE LONELY PLANET GUIDE

GALWAY & DINGLE FREE STUFF: Blarney Castle / Cliffs of Moher

£385 DEPARTS EDINBURGH 7 DAY OPTION 1 – 27 DECEMBER Highlands then Hogmanay OPTION 2 – 29 DECEMBER Hogmanay then Highlands

2 nights hostel shared dorm on tour and 4 nights hostel shared dorm Edinburgh / 3 day Skye High adventure / Hogmanay Street Party Pass / Torchlight Procession / The legendary HAGGiS Ceilidh Night INCLUSIONS:

Causeway / Clonmacnoise early Christian monastic site

£119 (STUDENTS £109)

HOGMANAY & HIGHLANDS

EDINBURGH HOGMANAY £335 EDINBURGH 29 DECEMBER - 5 DAY

4 nights hostel shared dorm / Hogmanay Street Party Pass / Torchlight Procession / The legendary HAGGiS Ceilidh Night / Edinburgh walking tour / Highland Day trip / HAGGiS sponsored Loony Dook

INCLUSIONS:

MORE STOPS MORE STUFF MORE VALUE

GROUPS OF 4 SAVE 5% GROUPS OF 10 SAVE 10%

HAGGIS HOGMANAY £335 DEPARTS LONDON 30 DECEMBER - 4 DAY

Return coach travel from London / All accommodation / Hogmanay Street Party Pass / The legendary HAGGiS Ceilidh Night / Edinburgh walking tour / HAGGiS sponsored Loony Dook

INCLUSIONS:

TNTMAGAZINE.COM Save 10% when you buy two or more qualifying trips

117

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egypt

9 DAYS from

£229

Egyptian Express

Ancient Egypt at its best all in nine intoxicating days!

Pyramids & Beaches The best value two week holiday in Egypt possible!

CROATIA

Sailing Split

15 DAYS from

£279

8 DAYS from

£339

A week of sun, sea and sand visiting Dubrovnik, Korcula and glamorous Hvar

SAVE up to 15% off!

Last few spaces available

No Local Payments or Hidden Extras!

TURKEY

MOROCCO 15 DAYS fr

£799

11 DAYS fr

£359

hogmanay

XMAS and NY tours BOOKING NOW

OKTOBERFEST from

Celebrate New Years £199 Eve in Edinburgh!

4-day coach or Accommodation Packages

16th Sep to 3rd Oct Hotel, Hostel or Camping Options.

Weekend Packages

from

£229

No silly local payments Top quality, well located hotels Guaranteed departures Perfect mix of sightseeing & free time ABTA, ATOL, AITO bonding No single supplements and realistic prices Great value Xmas & New Year tours

Ph: 020 7471 6400 www.thegobus.com

118 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

TM

HORSE RIDING IN WALES RELAX AND RECHARGE YOUR BATTERIES AT THE WEEKEND

We pickup from Ealing every Friday evening at 6:30pm.

Our trips are great for groups of mates, singles or couples HORSE RIDING Ride all day over the Brecon Beacons national park, suitable for first timers or experienced. We ride over mountains and ancient Roman bridleways, it’s probably the best ride in the UK, with great scenery. The sore ass is on us and guaranteed, but we’ll put muscle soak in the hot tub for you. £195 HILL WALKING On the Brecon beacons national park £135.

Or you can just chill FLY FISHING All tackle supplied, you just fish all day .£165 ACCOMODATION has 2 double rooms, dorms & open log fire. It also has a large covered hot tub next to a river with music. At night you can party all you like, with big late breakfast on Sunday. Our food is home made and cooked by a pro.

Phone 01874 636170 open till 10pm.

Weekday trips also can be arranged, Sunday to Friday, good for teachers

Included in all prices are return transport, 2 nights accommodation, all food and activity. There are absolutely NO hidden extras.

Email: info@bushwakkers.co.uk website: www.bushwakkers.co.uk

We are fully qualified and all legalities are in place, so no wukking furries

HOSTELSEARCH

A NEW CITY IS MORE FUN WHEN BOOKED IN ADVANCE tntmagazine.com/hostels

TRAVEL

OKTOBERFEST

RUGBY LEAGUE FOUR NATIONS @ WEMBLEY STADIUM ■ AUS v ENG + NZ v Wales Double Header SAT 5 NOV £26 ■ 4 NATIONS FINAL SAT 19 NOV Coach Tour

MUNICH’S INCREDIBLE BEER FESTIVAL! ■ Weekend Camping ■ Weekend Hostels ■ Weekend Hotel ■ Prague & Buda Fest 8 Day Tour ■ London 6 Day Coach Tours

£119

RUGBY UNION DON’T MISS THIS YEAR’S ONLY EUROPEAN INTERNATIONAL ■ AUS v BARBARIANS Twickenham SAT 26 NOV ✔ Featuring all of this year’s World Cup stars!

£35

HOGMANAY ■ 3 Night Hostel & Hotel 30 DEC-2 JAN £199/£239 ■ 4 Day Coach/Hostel Tour 30 DEC-2 JAN £269 ✔ Accom ideally located in the absolute heart of town ✔ Edinburgh street party pass ✔ Superb pubs, bars & clubs ✔ Funky tour t-shirt ✔ Experienced Fanatics tour reps

FEB SKI WEEK HALF-TERM SKI WEEK IN THE FRENCH ALPS!

11-18 FEB

£649

PADDY’S DAY Dublin

16-18 MAR

CROATIA SAILING ■ 3-10 SEP 7 Nights fr£469 ■ 10-17 SEP 7 Nights fr£439 ✔ Top quality boats, unbeatable prices ✔ Select your room & boat when you book ✔ Experienced Fanatics rep on board every tour ✔ Package price includes fuel surcharges & port taxes ✔ Get more for your money with Fanatics in Croatia!

SKIFEST SKIFEST XMAS & PARIS NYE COMBO ■ Risoul & Paris 23 Dec-2 Jan All-inclusive £699

✔ 7 Nights Risoul ✔ 2 Nights Paris ✔ Coach transfers

CELEBRATE PADDY’S DAY IN DUBLIN! ■ 3 Nights

All weekend packages three nights Friday-Monday.

Mid-week camping & hostel options also available!

FINAL TWO WEEKS ON OUR A+ CATEGORY BOAT NOW ON SALE!

EDINBURGH’S MASSIVE NYE PARTY

■ Coach Tour Risoul, France

17 SEP-3 OCT £149 fr£199 fr£349 £329 fr£269

£129

ANZAC DAY

SKIFEST XMAS COACH TOUR ■ Risoul 23-31 DEC All-inclusive £599 ✔ 6 Nights Risoul ✔ Coach transfers

SKIFEST XMAS FLIGHT TOUR ■ Tignes 24-31 DEC All-inclusive £699 ■ Risoul 23-30 or 24-31 DEC All-inclusive £739 ✔ 7 Nights Risoul ✔ Flights & airport transfers

JOIN OUR HIGHLY ACCLAIMED ANZAC TOURS

GALLIPOLI TOURS ■ 3 Day Tour 24-26 APR £199 ■ 4 Day Tour 23-26 APR £239 ■ 5 Day Tour 22-26 APR £279 ■ 8/9 Day Tours 18-26 APR or 22-29 APR £399 ■ 15/16 Day Tours 11-26 APR or 22 APR-6 MAY £599 WESTERN FRONT TOUR WWI French & Belgian Battlefields + Anzac Day Services ■ Eurostar Tour 23-25 APR £299 (Or Make Own Way £259) ✔ Somme ✔ Villers-bretonneaux ✔ Ypres ✔ Fromelles

SKIFEST NYE COACH TOUR ■ Risoul 30 DEC-7 JAN All-inclusive £529 ✔ 6 Nights Risoul ✔ Coach transfers

SKIFEST NYE FLIGHT TOUR ■ Risoul 30 DEC-6 JAN All-inclusive £729

✔ 7 Nights Risoul ✔ Flights & airport transfers

FOOTBALL ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE ■ Fulham FC vs Blackburn ■ Fulham FC vs Manchester City

SUN 11 SEP SAT 17 SEP

4pm 3pm

£32 £52

BOOK ONLINE NOW! www.thefanatics.com or call 0207 240 3223 COVENT GARDEN OFFICE 1st

Floor, 15 New Row, Covent Garden, WC2N 4LD Mon - Fri 9am - 6pm TNTMAGAZINE.COM 119

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WEEKEND BREAKS AND DAY TOURS OVERNIGHT WEEKEND TOURS OVERNIGHT BATH: INCLUDING WINDSOR AND CHEDDAR GORGE Sat 10 - Sun 11 Sept. Only £109pp OVERNIGHT HILTON SOUTHERN ENGLAND: Oxford Stonehenge & Bath Sat 10 - Sun 11 Sept. From £99pp HORSE RIDING IN WALES OVERNIGHT Sat 17 - Sun 18 Sept. Only £149pp OVERNIGHT HILTON NORTHERN ENGLAND: Peak District and York Sat 1 - Sun 2 Oct. From £116pp

PARIS BY EUROSTAR From

£209

EDINBURGH BY RAIL From

£161

Departures on Fri 16 Sept & Fri 23 Sept. Two nights B&B hotel, city sightseeing tour and plenty of free time to explore Paris.

Friday 9 - Sunday 11 September. Return train travel and transfers, sightseeing with a local Scottish Guide, two nights B&B hotel accom.

HOLLAND AND BELGIUM From

£189

Friday 16 - Sunday 18 September. Return coach travel, sightseeing tours of Amsterdam and Brugge, 2 nights dinner bed & breakfast hotel acom, and a FREE BAR in the evenings.

DAY TRIPS ¸ Wed 7 Sept: Stonehenge Private Viewing Evening. From ¸ Sat 10 Sept: A Day in Wales. From ¸ Sat 10 Sept: Cycling in the New Forest. Only ¸ Sun 11 Sept: Windsor and Hampton Court. From ¸ Sat 17 Sept: York by Rail. From ¸ Sat 17 Sept: Cambridge. From ¸ Sun 18 Sept: Leeds Castle and Rochester. From

£46

LUXURY MINI COACH TOURS No more than 15 people with customer specified pick ups in zone 1 From

SHORT BREAKS

£55

¸ EVERYDAY - Oxford, Stratford & Cotswolds ¸ EVERYDAY - Stonehenge, Glastonbury, Avebury & Chalice Well ¸ EVERY SAT & SUN - Leeds Castle, Canterbury & White Cliffs of Dover

£45 £36

£71

£55 £36 £45

PLUS Stonehenge & Bath EVERYDAY. From £45 with entrances to Stonehenge & the Roman Baths included!

Windsor, Eton & Oxford TUES, THURS, SAT & SUN From £45 with entrances to Windsor Castle and Christ Church College included!

BOOK ONLINE AT:

www.andersontours.co.uk or call 0207 436 9304 Anderson Tours Travel Shop, 81 Charlotte Street, London W1T 4PP

FIND US ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER

Anderson Tours is fully bonded

by Client Trust Account

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DESPERATELYSEEKING name, and I don’t remember you leaving with my titanium Casio watch. Thief.

Happy birthday Helen!: I’ve always wanted to say that. Come Friday night, when we’ve got our glad rags on and we’re cutting some very sophisticated shapes on the dancefloor, you can bet I’ll be bellowing this tune out at max volume. Just you wait! Have an awesome day, pet. Lozza.

Phwoar: This is a call out to the dude with the scud missile in his Speedos at Brighton Beach on

THINGS THE QUEEN SHOULD DO BEFORE SHE DIES

#443 Make the right calls at the US Open. Still won’t help Andy Murray, though

Sunday, August 28. I do like a day at the beach from time to time, and I’ve seen all sorts of body shapes and appendage sizes. But I can only assume you have been exposed to nuclear fallout. And judging by the tightness of those trunks, how it didn’t ‘fall out’ I’ll never know. Put that parrot away. Beachcomber.

To Stuart the meat-eating dinosaur: I miss you like a dog misses its bone. Come back.

Tristian, the cheating creep: for someone who is camera shy, there were a hell of a lot of photos of you on our digital camera. You could say I was pretty pissed to find

DATING

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138 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

there was a woman in the photos, too – and, judging by her mosquito bites, it sure as hell wasn’t me. They stop growing after puberty, that’s all I’m saying. Nice knowing you.

A bit hurt.

To the girl wearing the oldstyle Oakleys walking down Kingsland Road, Shoreditch on Thursday night, August 25: I thought I was the only one left on the planet with those sunnies. I’ve had them since I was 14 and clad in faded Hypercolour.

I’m intrigued to know your story. I

reckon those shades were hiding a magnetic pair of peepers and I certainly wouldn’t mind having closer look at them some time.

Get in touch here. Tom. Welcome to Londinium, Carryn: Finally, after all these years of trying to convince you to join me here in the land of fun and travel, you’ve landed! I promise to look after you like I told your mum I would and show you some wonderful sights indeed, starting with the benign old land of Amsterdam *wink wink*. Love from your friend always, Tam. Damo: you scrub up alright after a

@tntmagazine

shower. But as the saying goes: you can’t polish a turd. Slingball.

To the short-haired girl at All Star Lanes wearing the denim cut-off shorts on Wednesday, August 17: I was transfixed when you inserted three fingers ... into the bowling ball and knocked those bad boys over.

I’ve never been so jealous of a ball before. Maybe those three fingers can bowl me over next weekend?

Curious Barbara.

To Jazza and Tazza, my swashbuckling sidekicks: Summer’s not even over yet and we’ve been getting up to the kind of hi-jinks that the Hangover boys could only dream about. Thanks for the ace times so far: bull horns in the bum, fractured cheek bones, enough beer coasters to cover a small flat. My short time in London is becoming more memorable by the day. Bring on Oktoberfest and some dirty weiners, please! Love Spazza.

The blonde barman at Temple Walkabout: You make my heart sing every time I order a beer. And I don’t even like beer, but you turn on my tap every time.

More froth, please. Lizzie.

Rosita, my comrade: Welcome to my adopted home town! We’ve got one day to blitz this place and you’d better bet we bloody will. Get your sleep on the plane because you are going to hit the ground running. Can’t wait to see you! Bec Bobby Brownose: Where have you been sniffing around this time, buddy? You do a pretty good job of keeping a low profile. Last time you went AWOL you were trafficking gobstoppers. What this time, Pineapple Chunks?

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Sad, lonely Lisa: chin up, girl.

It’s a special man who sees you as not just likeable, but completely and permanently loveable, too. So you might be haggard when he finally comes galloping astride a great big horse, but there’s me for company in the meantime – just no Scissor Sisters, though, okay? Mel. Durry, the mad gambling man: Thanks so much for taking me to Vegas, bro. I had one of the wildest times of my life. I was under the illusion we were supposed to make money in those big, shiny gambling dens, but I’ve returned home broke as fuck. Couldn’t lend me a fiver, could you? Ha ha. My last bit of coin went on buying that blonde with the fake tits a drink.

What goes on tour stays on tour, yeah? Big up, thanks again. Nath.

The fantastic, bombastic Ministry of Askew crew: Long may the pad be stained with the filthy reminders of our lunacy and indulgences. I’m so sad to be leaving you lot, but at the moments when you miss me, note the Cherry Ripe swipe from the time I tripped over the telephone wire, the blue girl-drink splashed in the lounge room from our freak-out Monday mash-up, and the brown stain on the couch from, erm ... well you know. Good times, good times. The memories are sweet and they’re nasty. Au revoir, my lovelies. Mega-saurus.

The little Polly Pocket girl from the Church on Sunday, August 28: I remember throwing you over my shoulder, I remember lifting you up off your feet for a sexy little kiss. I remember us in my bed and I remember a spot of ecstasy. But I don’t remember your

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