TNT Magazine / Issue 1499 by TNT Magazine

CAROL DRIVER EDITOR carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee is fast approaching, which means four-day weekend, people! To get you in the mood, flick to P8 for the lowdown on the top regal events taking place in London. Have you got your summer sorted? Turn to P84 for the best music festivals around the world, and our advice on what else you can get up to when the beats stop. We’re counting down to our 1500th issue next week. To celebrate, we’re also throwing a party – and you’re invited. See P26 for details.

THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

4-5

LONDONNEWS

MY LONDON DRINK & EATS

12 14-15

@TNT

SPOTTED

LONDON SOUND

20-21

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

22, 25

COMPETITION

CHATROOM SEAN HUGHES 33 LONDON SCENE

Photos: Paul Tkocz: Getty Cover: Thinkstock

SPARE TIME

34-35 36

LIFESTYLE

37-47

SHOPPING

FEATURES DIAMOND, GEEZERS

HEALTH & BEAUTY

38-39

The best parties in London to celebrate Queen Elizabeth II’s 60-year reign

CAREERS

40-41

HOMELESS WITH HEART

LIVING

46-47

NEWS & SPORT

48-59

See the capital through the eyes of the homeless on an east London walking tour

TRAVEL

61-88

DIARY

NEWS

LATE DEALS

HOTSHOTS

TOP FIVE

70-71

TIPS & STUFF

72-73

48 HOURS IN... SOFIA

80-81

CLASSIFIEDS DESPERATELY SEEKING

90-121 122

BAD LUCK?

As another member of the Kennedy clan dies, we examine the family’s ‘curse’

ALTERNATIVE GAMES

Didn’t get Olympics tickets? There are plenty of bizarre sports to see in the UK

MIDNIGHT SUN

Enjoy epic 24-hour adventures in the untamed wilderness of Finland

SOUNDS OF SUMMER

Your essential guide to the best music festivals in Europe and beyond

64 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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EDITORIAL Editor Carol Driver Sub editor Jahn Vannisselroy Content editors: Acting Travel Laura Chubb Entertainment Alasdair Morton News & sport Tom Sturrock Web Oliver Jones Staff writer Clare Vooght Staff writer/editorial assistant Rebecca Kent

LONDONDIARY

@tntmagazine

Foraging for grub in London

DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke Acting picture researcher Ruth Board DIGITAL & IT Head of digital marketing and development Syed Ahmad Social Media Coordinator Dan Thorne SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Classified Ad Manager Matt Syder Sales executives Tyler Harrison | Eddie Clinton | Donovan Smith | Michael Fair | Marie Smith Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events assistant Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh TNT MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst PUBLISHER TNT Multimedia Limited DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP SAPA NZPA PICTURES Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 16 Brune St, London, E1 7NJ tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com SALES ENQUIRIES

PHONE 020 7989 0567 EMAIL sales@tntmagazine.com WHERE TO GET TNT

COVER PRICE: £1 where sold SEE tntmagazine.com/findtnt for pick-up points or tntmagazine.com/emag to read TNT online SUBSCRIPTIONS AND DISTRIBUTION Caroline Penn 01603 559004

Shhh... SECRET LONDON URBAN FORAGING THE CROOKED WELL

We are somewhat dislocated from our food these days, accustomed to picking it off the shelf wrapped in plastic. This one-off event aims to rebuild those connections, though, taking participants out into the urban wilds to forage for ingredients such as wild garlic, chickweed and elderflower, before returning to the Camberwell pub where, along with the assistance of hunter-gatherer-author Nick Weston (above), they’re made in to a gourmet three-course meal. A great big eco-friendly ‘yum’. £55

Thurs, 10am 16 Grove Lane, SE5 8SY

Oval

thecrookedwell.com

COCKTAIL MASTERCLASS

JACK THE RIPPER ON FILM

LEATHER FOREVER HERMES

Learn how to impress your friends – and the ladies – at this World Class Cocktails Masterclass. You’ll not only find out how to blend spirits but you’ll also get to throw bottles around a la Tom Cruise. This year’s event is hosted by 2011’s champ Jamie MacDonald using Diageo Reserve’s spirits.

With the whole world celebrating the best of London in the run up to the Olympics, why not revel in one of the capital’s more gut-ripping, vein-slicing moments? This exhibition and talk looks at how class influenced one of history’s most notorious east London murderers and their portrayal on the big screen.

Leather is, and always has been, a signifier of class and cool. This exhibition, celebrating 175 years of the French designer brand, has a host of exquisite handbags on show, looking at their design, creation and status. So coo over the bags you can’t afford, but dream one day might be able to.

Fri, 7pm-9pm Mezzanine Floor, E14 5EW Canary Wharf canarywharf.com

Sat, 7.30pm-10.30pm Cinema Museum, SE11 4TH Elephant & Castle cinemamuseum.org.uk

Until Sunday, 10am-6pm 6 Burlington Gardens, W1S 3ES Green Park hermes.com

All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

FREE

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Perfect your poker face

POKER FOR WOMEN The Lucky Pig

Are you tired of men-only poker nights? Want to sharpen your skills so you can make those cliched ‘women can’t play poker’ assumptions line your pocket? Then this new monthly night will help you. With skills sessions and practice matches, a wide range of cocktails to get you in the mood, of course, and a casino-trained croupier teaching you a host of deadly tricks to make sure you clean up at the table. Get practising your poker face! Must book in advance. FREE

Tues May 23, 7pm ‘til late 5 Clipstone Street, W1W 6BB

Regent’s Park

LONDON COMIC CON All things comic book, fantasy and sci-fi convene for this weekend that revels in its geek chic. Anthony Daniels (the fella inside Star Wars’s campest robot C3PO) tops the list of guests, with sneak peaks at upcoming films and video games, and a cosplay event to close the event. Photos: Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

£10+

Fri, 2pm-7pm; Sat, 9am-6pm; Sun, 10am-5pm Excel Centre, E16 1XL Custom House londonexpo.com

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theluckypig.co.uk

EPIDEMIC This incredibly ambitious project, a ‘community musical’, looks at our perceptions of obesity and mental health, with a cast of 120, from novices to pros aged 16-60, and draws on interviews with some 250 Londoners. It’s insightful, powerful, oneof-a-kind work that will challenge the way you think. FREE

Daily 7pm, Sat & Sun, 2.30pm. Until May 27 Old Vic Tunnels, SE1 8NB Waterloo ovnvepidemic.com

18/5/12 10:45:37

LONDONNEWS

@tntmagazine

POSH NIGHTCLUB PUBLIC TO CLOSE Nightclub Public, popular with public school boys and, on occasion, the royal princes Harry and William, is set to close after neighbours’ complaints. It had been forced to shut at midnight rather than 2.30am, due to complaints from locals tired of fighting, swearing and people urinating in the street. Owner Howard Spooner said of his neighbours: “They are anti-public school people, they are anti-royal and they are just against anything they see as a bunch of toffs partying.” Must be tough being rich!

I’d be arrested if I unzipped that Prince Philip shows that his advancing years will not diminish his ability to put his foot in it with a highly public gaffe. This time the prince was taken by a young blonde in an eye-catching front-zipped red dress while visiting Bromley.

KATE MOSS SNUBBED BY CROYDON Supermodel, global superstar and former squeeze of professional addict Pete Doherty, Kate Moss has been overlooked for a new Walk of Stars in her home town of Croydon. Moss didn’t make a shortlist of 10 famous former residents drawn up by Croydon council. David Prowse (the man under Darth Vader’s mask) and Ronnie Corbett made the cut, but there was no mention either for England manager Roy Hodgson, who was born in Croydon in 1947.

ON THE TUBE

Sir David Attenborugh poses with a floral statue of himself outside Royal Botanical Gardens at Kew Gardens

Parking restrictions furore

Council under fire after removing yellow lines – but keeping fines Camden council has found itself the focus for irate drivers’ anger after it removed double yellow lines from the borough’s streets, but kept the same parking restrictions. Small signs and studs on the street replace the easily identifiable and understood yellow lines on almost a mile of road, with many drivers mistakenly believing that the roads are no longer restricted and that they can park there. “People just don’t realise that they’re in a restricted zone,” a parking attendant said, anonymously, of the council’s move. “They removed the yellow lines, which means if people stop or park on what they deem the carriageway then it’s an instant ticket. “There are no bay markings either, just

studs and nothing to say what’s the road and what’s the pavement.” He added: “Camden Council is definitely making more money from it. What they have done is wrong but their excuse is that it makes the area look nice.” The move has been defended by the council, which claimed it reduced street clutter and “is part of significant public realm and transport improvements.” There are those, though, who view this as just another way to confuse motorists and reap the financial rewards from an increase in tickets and fines. It was revealed last week that Camden council runs the highest-grossing street in all of London, with Southampton Row netting the borough no less than £1.2m a year through fines.

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

Flower power

THIS WEEKEND’S CLOSURES/WORKS

CIRCLE: No service between Hammersmith and Aldgate.

HAMMERSMITH AND CITY: No service between Moorgate and Barking METROPOLITAN: No service between Moorgate and Aldgate

DISTRICT: No service between Earl’s Court and Wimbledon

JUBILEE: Suspended between North Greenwich and Stratford Barnet and Camden Town

WATERLOO AND CITY: Closed

Photos: Getty

NORTHERN: No service between High

The Chelsea Flower Show and accompanying Fringe Festival hit London ths week to turn the capital green (fingered) for the week. The Flower Show, a world renowned celebration of flowers in bloom, has proved a resounding success this year, with tickets changing hands online for up to six times their face value – more than Coldplay ticket scalpers are asking. The Fringe Festival uses horticulture as the launchpad for a variety of green-themed events, artistic endeavours and activities. There willl be a Garden of Disorientation in Charterhouse Street, ‘guerilla garden sites’ and, in West Norwood and Clapham Common, ‘edible bus stops’. • See p46 for our feature on the show.

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Norman Jay will get things cranking

‘A

Diamond, geezers It’s parties aplenty to celebrate 60 years of Queen Elizabeth’s reign – we say bring on the four-day weekend WORDS CLARE VOOGHT There’s no better excuse for a holiday than our Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee. She’s the first monarch since Queen Victoria (1819-1901) to have spent 60 years on the throne, so it’s our duty to party even harder this time round. In celebration of the eccentric world of British culture and, of course, old Lizzy Windsor, Battersea’s Diamond Jubilee Festival will feature artists, designers, chefs, bakers and revellers for a daytime Thameside party, curated by the Vintage Festival’s Wayne Hemingway and artist Clare Patey. It’s going to be a top spot to watch the Queen’s river pageant go by. Norman Jay & The Good Times Sound System will provide the tunes, with ex-Hacienda DJ Graeme Park as a special guest. They’ll be rolling out the best beats from throughout the Queen’s reign atop a red opendeck bus. Does Jay think the Queen would approve? “Well, she approved once, she gave me an MBE, so I’m sure the grandsons will be fine,” he says. “If they wish to get off the barges, they’re always welcome on our bus!” And even if the two princes decide 8

not to take up the offers, there’ll be tons of other entertainment. Carters Steam Fair will provide the rides, the Alternative Village Fete will be there to offer some quaint British stalls and the WI will be baking cakes. There’s also The Diamond Geezer, a pop-up boozer, if you’re after a cockney knees-up. Musical Bingo and Queens of Noize will both make an appearance there. You can dance your socks off at the festival’s main stage where you can catch the Noisettes, The Selecter, Angelos Epithemiou and more, or hit the bandstand and spend a little time with either Paul Taylor’s Vintage Tea Dance Orchestra or The Bomshelettes. Or if you’re a little bit sick of all this Liz stuff, check out the Alternative Diamond Jubilee at the Museum of London Docklands. A specialist in the historical alternative night out, the museum has decided to step back into the brilliant and bizarre world of the Victorians. But why? Events officer Jenny Bull says she wanted to be a bit different. “Because it’s at the Docklands Museum, the collections and the buildings really

suit a Victorian theme,” she says. “We’ve got a Victorian steampunk, chap hop rapper coming in called Professor Elemental, as well as burlesque shows and illusionists in another room. We’ve also got Queen Victoria coming along – well, someone dressing up as her.” Burlesque dancer Vicky Butterfly will be showcasing her theatrical moves, and there’ll also be talks on both Victorian fashion and the father of modern bodybuilding, strongman Eugen Sandow. Craft fans can keep busy at a coronation souvenir workshop. And all this can be done with a drink in hand from the bar. If you’re heading over, make sure you look the part – the dress code is fin de siecle finery and steampunk chic (think a mix of sci-fi and gothic). ❚ MORE LONDON JUBILEE EVENTS ›› Diamond Jubilee Festival, Sat June 3, £5 Battersea Park Battersea Park, SW11 4NJ thamesdiamondjubileepageant.org The Alternative Diamond Jubilee, Thurs, May 31, 6.45pm, £6 1 Warehouse, West India Quay, E14 4AL West India Quay museumoflondon.org.uk

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ANARCHY IN THE SUPPERCLUB NOTTING HILL

THE WORLD’S LARGEST STAMP PORTRAIT OF THE QUEEN BAYSWATER

True to its rebellious nature, Supperclub will transform into a diamond punk palace, with drag queens (below) taking to the stage in homage to HRH Elizabeth II. Get your leathers on and hit the legendary Notting Hill institutuion for the risque party and some good old gourmet dining on beds. £40+

June 1-4. 8.30pm 12 Acklam Road, W10 5QZ Westbourne Park supperclub.com

It took artist Peter Mason 400 hours to create his image of our Liz, made entirely out of postage stamps. He’s previously done Sir Cliff Richard, Simon Cowell, Margaret Thatcher and Charles and Camilla in the Pop Art style – but this one’s especially for the Jubilee. FREE

AT HOME WITH THE QUEEN BARBICAN Satiate your nosy side with this fascinating exhibition of portraits of Londoners at home with their treasured royal souvenirs and momentos of the Queen. The photos cover people of all ages and backgrounds – from a four-year-old girl and a musician, to a model. FREE

May 25-Aug 28. 8.30am-12am Queensway, W2 4YN Bayswater whiteleys.com

May 25–Oct 25. Times vary 150 London Wall, EC2Y 5HN Barbican museumoflondon.org.uk

THE BEACONS ACROSS LONDON To celebrate Queen Elizabeth II’s 60-year reign, at least 2012 beacons will be lit across Britain, the Commonwealth and the world. The symbols of unity will spark up at London locations including The Tower of London, Morden Park, and Liz will light one outside Buckingham Palace.

THE LAMB TAVERN’S STREET PARTY CITY

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A RIGHT ROYAL CARRY ON CLAPHAM Continue Battersea Park’s Diamond Jubilee Festival with even more from legendary DJ Norman Jay. After his daytime session on the Good Times Bus in the park, Jay will be heading to The Clapham Grand to keep the party going with some infectious and diverse revelling tunes until the small hours. It’s exactly what the Queen would expect you to do with your bank holiday. £10

Sun, June 3. 8pm-3am 21-25 Saint John’s Hill, SW11 1TT Clapham Junction normanjay.com/tickets

Mon, June 4. Times vary Various locations across London diamondjubileebeacons.co.uk

THE QUEEN: ART AND IMAGE WEST END Portraits of the Queen spanning her time on the throne – includes formal and official paintings and photos, as well as contemporary takes on Liz. £6

Until October 21. 10pm-6pm St Martin’s Place, WC2H 0HE Leicester Square npg.org.uk

Spend your Diamond Jubilee Sunday at a street party in the iconic Leadenhall Market, courtesy of the Lamb Tavern. They’re laying on a pop-up bar, serving specially brewed Young’s Jubilee ale, and a buffet full of retro British classics including Coronation chicken, game pie, scotch eggs, plus Pimm’s jelly and sherry trifle. There’ll also be an acoustic set of British classic covers from Liverpool band Hope Town and a huge screen showing live coverage of the Jubilee festivities. The market is also sheltered, so you won’t need to worry if the Great British weather does what it does best ... £24.95

Sun, June 3. 12pm 10-12 Leadenhall Market, EC3V 1LR Monument lambtavernleadenhall.com

60 QUEENS FOR THE QUEEN COVENT GARDEN If you can’t spot the real Queen, cop a look at 60 versions of Liz. The London Gay Men’s Chorus (above) will dress up in homage to Her Royal Highness to perform a medley of royal celebration tunes. Also look out for Union Jack decorations around the Piazza and the Market Building, and the Street Kitchen is also going to be setting up shop there, selling tasty and healthy bistro-style dishes. FREE

Sat, June 2. 2pm Covent Garden’s West Piazza Covent Garden coventgardenlondonuk.com

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CARRIAGE PROCESSION VARIOUS

THE QUEEN’S PUNCH SOUTHWARK Head to Village East to sip the Fit For A Queen Punch, made from Beefeater London Dry, orange liqueur, Lillet blanc, camomile and sencha tea syrup, apple juice and rhubarb bitters. Yum. £6.50

Catch a glimpse of the Queen and her posse going from Westminster Hall to Buckingham Palace after their National Service of Thanksgiving at St Paul’s Cathedral, receptions at City venues and a livery lunch at Westminster Hall. The procession will bring Liz – along with the Duke of Edinburgh, Charles, Camilla, Kate, Will and Harry – back to the palace via Big Ben, Horse Guards, Trafalgar Square and Admiralty Arch. Don’t miss the 60-gun salute from the King’s Troop. FREE

Thurs, June 5. From 9am Various locations jubilee5june.co.uk

On the menu throughout June 171-173 Bermondsey Street, SE1 3UW London Bridge villageeast.co.uk

THE QUEEN’S DIAMOND JUBILEE RIVER PAGEANT THE THAMES In the biggest flotilla on The Thames in modern times, up to 1000 boats will take to the river at high waters on Sunday afternoon. The Queen will be at the front, aboard The Spirit Of Chartwell, and historic and modern boats from across the UK, commonwealth and rest of the world will follow. Sun, June 3. From 9am The Thames thamesdiamondjubileepageant.org

LONDON EYE TEA SOUTHBANK Take a ride on the London Eye as you enjoy a delightful Jubilee afternoon tea.

MAYTON STREET FESTIVAL HOLLOWAY

£20+

June 2-5. 12.30pm-4.30pm Southbank Waterloo londoneye.com

TEA WITH WALLACE & GROMIT MORDEN Catch the premiere of a mini Wallace and Gromit episode, especially for the Jubilee. The iconic Brit animation will be accompanied by a tea party, a choir and a ukulele band, along with huge screens showing the Jubilee concert.

Photos: Thinkstock

£5

Wed, June 4. 2pm-10.30pm Morden Hall Park, Morden Hall Road, SM4 5JD Morden nationaltrust.org.uk

THE ROYAL CHEF MAYFAIR Try a meal created by ex-royal chef Mervyn Wycherley, at The Montagu restaurant at The Churchill. All the dishes were originally served in Buckingham Palace and other residences. Two courses from £20 at lunch or £25 for three with half a bottle of wine. In the evening, it’s two courses for £22 and three for £27. £20+

May 23-June 7. From 12pm 30 Portman Square, W1H 7BH Marble Arch london.churchill.hyatt.com

How many other Jubilee street parties let you design your own hat? You can at Hannah Brown’s hat making workshop at Mayton Street Festival. There’ll also be live music, with contemporary Greek blues band Mavrika, modern marching troupe The Hackney Colliery Band, Gypsy swing jazz group Trio Manouche and Perhaps Contraption, an eight-piece pop marching band. A popup Jubilee Tearoom will be serving tea (or squash) and cake for £2.50 at 2pm and 4pm, and at 3pm, there’ll be a special serving just for Elizabeths. Don’t forget to enter the bake-off at 1pm, judged by MasterChef winner Julie Friend. FREE

Saturday June 2. 1-5.30pm Mayton Street, N7 6QT Holloway Road hollowayartsfestival.co.uk/ maytonstreetfestival2012

SEAFOOD & RUM PUNCH DINNER AND DANCING PUTNEY The royal family love the West Indies, and Prince Harry impressed with his dancing on his recent tour of the Carribean. So if you’re after a more exotic way to celebrate the Jubilee, head to the Putney Fish & Grill’s Carribean-themed evening, complete with a live steel band and plenty of rum punch. The threecourse menu includes red snapper cevice, salt cod with scallion and scotch bonnet, and goat meatballs in coconut tomato with green banana chutney, rice and peas. Guests are encouraged to dress in their most colourful outfits. £60

Tuesday June 5. 7pm 200-204 Putney Bridge Road, SW15 2NA Putney fishandgrillputney.co.uk

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MYLONDON

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SANDRO SCHIENA VOCALIST/ GUITARIST - TURNPIKE GLOW What baffles me most about London is coral-coloured skinny jeans and rimless NHS glasses – it’s well dense. London’s best-kept secret is our bassist/ vocalist Giuseppe’s cured meat selection. It is second to none. When I want to chill out I head to Dulwich Park – it’s a great accompaniment with some Vivaldi. Also Cafe 1001(Brick Lane), I love the chilled vibe there. The most interesting person I’ve met is ex-Babyshambles musician Adam Ficek at a recent show and he struck me as being a lovely man. Totally down to earth and unassuming, and therefore interesting. My favourite place for a drink is The Wheelbarrow pub/ venue in Camden or a comfy chair at The Reform (historic London gentleman’s club in Westminster) with a choice of fine Cuban cigars.

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For when you’re hungover in London try a park, a snooze, a pub, eggs royale, French toast, and then more booze. What gets me up in the morning? Ten minutes of battling with the snooze button, then salmon with scrambled eggs, some Earl Grey and M83. What’s the first thing you think of in the morning? When do I get to quit my day job? Cornflakes or Weetabix? Will I survive the Tube today? My perfect weekend involves seeing a good gig, followed by drinks with friends. Jamming and writing new material. A nice lie-in on a Sunday morning, followed by some public debauchery in the afternoon.

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What’s the bigggest faux pas you’ve made? Believing that someone else’s opinion about your future is worth any more than your own. The last naughty thing I did was put a saddle on a shark, and finally reveal to my mom I’m in a band. She thought wine tasting was my only hobby. Five words that sum up London ... But why would I leave? myspace.com/turnpikeglow Inflatable Optimism is out June 11 through Funke Pop Records 12

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LONDONDRINKS

ANISE

@tntmagazine

Funky: inside Anise

BAR THE SCENE A DJ is blasting poppy house tunes as we walk inside this contemporary bar, adjacent to the modern Indian restaurant, Cinnamon Kitchen, meaning it’s where diners begin or end their evening. The decor is stylish and sleek, with cushions splashed across the sofas thaat hug the room, mirrors aligning the walls, and a huge, square bar in the centre of the venue. After work, the bar is filled, as you might expect, with city types, quaffing champers and sipping cocktails. I overhear a guy asking the barman what a jäger bomb is. There’s a small drinking area outside, but it’s jam packed with smokers, or those trying to hold a conversation as the music inside is so loud inside. THE GRUB Modern Indian street food. Order nibbles such as spiced olives, potato & peanut chaat, or wheat crisps with yoghurt and tamarind chutney, or sharing platters included parathas – spiced lamb or cheddar with cumin and chilli. BEHIND THE BAR Forget the food – this is why you’re here. Choose an infused cocktail from its extensive list. Try a Cinnamon Bellini, a Spiced Kir Royal or a Passionfruit And Pineapple Blossom, mixed with gin. There’s also a top selection of whiskies, beers, ciders and ales, including asahi kuronama black. BILL PLEASE Nibbles from £2; bottled beer from £3.50; cocktails from £7. VERDICT Bring a crowd and come for the top-notch cocktails. CAROL DRIVER

9 Devonshire Square, EC2M 4YL

3 OF THE BEST FLORAL TREATS

cinnamon-kitchen.com/Cocktail-Bar-Anise

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ROCK & ROSE

THE BOTANIST

Celebrate the Chelsea Flower Show (May 22-27) with a floral pud, such as lavender and honey panna cotta and pavlova with edible flowers, £5.95, and a Blush Royale cocktail, £7.50, with champers and rose syrup.

Meet your new favourite dessert – rosewater cheesecake (£5.95) – and sip on a flowertastic elderflower and violet Mojito (£7.95). The wallpaper at Rock & Rose is flowery, to boot.

The three-course English country garden-inspired menu (£36) gives dandelions pride of place in its urban garden salad and the dessert champions rose petals and elderflower. This joint is quintessentially British.

rockandroserestaurant.com

thebotanistonsloanesquare.com

anniesrestaurant.co.uk

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BITE SIZE

Bad news for animals, good news for diners

LONG LIVE COOKIE QUEEN There are a lot of gimmicky Jubilee foods doing the rounds at the moment. But one of the far more entertaining is this giant cookie, with our Liz’s smiling face emblazoned on it with icing. You can get yourself one (with an optional message) for £13.95 from Millie’s Cookies stores across London. Other designs, as well as iced Jubilee cupcakes are available, too. Being a royalist has never been so darn tasty. milliescookies.com

SALTY N SMOOTH When you think of probiotic yogurt drinks, shots of bizarre-tasting milky fluid that you have to hold your nose to drink often spring to mind. But Good Heavens drinking yogurts are probiotic and low fat, and they actually taste good – they’ve also just released a salted caramel flavour. It’s creamy and sweet, and Nigella Lawson is apparently a big fan. £1.69 or £2.10 for organic versions. good-heavens.co.uk

THE CHILLI QUEEN Byron’s foodie Jubilee offering is for strong constitutions only. To celebrate Her Majesty’s 60 years at the helm, the burger legends have created the limited edition Chili Queen. It’s chockfull with a 6oz patttie, chipotle mayo, shredded iceberg lettuce and American cheese – and, of course, stacks of green chilli. It costs £8.75 and will be available at Byron restaurants until June 5. Are you enough of a beefcake to handle the spice? byronhamburgers.com

THE JUGGED HARE BRITISH SEASONAL THE SCENE Stuffed birds, badgers and the like take pride of place above the bar – and they’re the first thing you see in this city bar and restaurant. Leather chairs and a dark wood bar complete the country look of this venue. THE GRUB It’s British country fare – the stuff of country pubs frequented by seasoned game hunters, but as it’s in the city, there’s a twist for modern tastes. The menu changes daily and gives you a lowdown of what’s in season. When we visit, blood orange, wild nettles, English asparagus and rabbit all feature in many of the dishes. The honey roast kiln salmon with beetroot is sticky and cooked to perfection, its horseradish providing a subtle kick. My friend’s spring pea, broad bean, radish and dandelion salad, goat’s curd and walnuts looks lush and hearty. The main course of chargrilled skate wing is crispy on one side and tender on the other, and the peas and broad beans that accompany it still have a little bite. A dessert of an incredibly sweet chocolate kendal mint cake parfait is nothing like the camping snack, but made up of thick chocolate, with super-sweet chunks of the minty stuff. Watch out you don’t fill up on bread before your meal – extra plates of the warm mini country loaves and creamy butter are hard to say no to.

Wine and beer are the main focus here. There’s a stirling wine list, with plenty of mature choices served by the glass and a host of cask ales available on draft. There’s a Jugged Hare pale ale, too, which is brewed in conjunction with Sambrook’s brewery in Battersea. BILL PLEASE Starters from £5; mains from £11; desserts £6; wine from £4.10; beer from £3.50. VERDICT A cosy place to get some good, filling traditional grub and a good quality drink on the side, especially for those in real need of a trip to the Great British countryside. CLARE VOOGHT BEHIND THE BAR

49 Chiswell Street, EC1Y 4SA

thejuggedhare.com

Moorgate

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Banksy: flying the flag

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YOU GO, GIRLS Once I stopped fuming from reading NZ politician Colin Craig’s recent archaic comments labelling New Zealand woman as ‘the most promiscuous women in the world’ I thought, should these women be labelled as ‘promiscuous’ or should it be ‘smart, sexually educated and taking the personal responsibility to avoid unwanted

pregnancy’? I guess we can expect little more from a man who is still opposed to same-sex marriage and gay adoption. Alexandra Reeson, via email

DRIVE ME CRAZY London bus drivers talking about strike actions are nasty, as people fought hard to get the Olympics in London. They knew years ago it was coming so why not say anything then and wait until the last minute? It’s the same with airline staff who strike during peak holiday season leaving passengers stranded. Aziza Al-Busaidy, via email

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The execution of Banksy’s latest artwork on a Poundland in Wood Green is brilliant, prompting you to think: “Why did I not think of that?!” The fact that a child is involved would indicate that he is making an allusion to child labour and exploitation...and not necessarily just the seedy side of bunting. The irony is that the flag which is meant to protect the child is the cause of his exploitation. Well done! Anupam Bansoodeb, via Facebook

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SPOTTED AT ONE NETBALL, PIMLICO Pimlico Academy Monday, April 30 Photos by: Llewllyn Cass / TNT Images

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Slayer’s Kerry King, set to bring his Xxxxxxxxxxxxx own brand of merriment to Ally Pally

festival

THE APPLE CART

watch

I’LL BE YOUR MIRROR Alexandra Palace, Alexandra Palace Way, N22 7AY MAY 25-27 | DOORS 4PM (FRI), 12PM (SAT & SUN) | £39

Just a few weeks to go until festival season kicks off, and one of the first out of the blocks in the capital is this comedy and music event. The line- up includes folk-rock types such as Noah And The Whale, Billy Bragg and Stornaway, Adam Ant, Gaz Coombes (showing that sideburns are always in vogue) and Beth Jeans Houghton and her Hooves Of Destiny. Rich Hall (left), Sean Lock and Phil Jupitus are on hand with the gags, and there’s art, cabaret and magic, too. Something for everyone, unless you don’t like fun. Sun, June 3. Victoria Park, Stratford

E2 5SN. £35

theapplecartfestival.com

All Tomorrow’s Parties, those innovative folk who decided to sidestep the mud and misery of festivals for an indoor take on a weekend of music at the Butlins holiday resort (sounds odd, but it works) kick off this weekend indoor fest at Ally Pally, celebrating rock and indie with a flannel shirt, Nineties-flecked vibe. Curated by Scottish instrumental noisemongers Mogwai, this three-night orgy of feral six-string delights brings the weekend screaming into view with LA thrashmetal titans Slayer on Friday night. Not content with being one of the heaviest, fastest, damn right thrash-iest bands ever, they’re going to play their seminal 1986 album, Reign In Blood, in full, with tracks like Angel Of Death and Raining Blood showing those soft old Metallica boys how metal should be done. Mogwai headline Saturday (their only London gig of the year) to show you don’t need a screaming frontman to be heavy, powerful and yet surprisingly melodic. Sunday night continues the surprises with Cincinatti’s The Afghan Whigs, back from retirement after 13 years, to tear through alternative soul-infused rock gems drawing from their extensive back catalogue, which is sure to include cuts from their Nineties classic, Gentlemen. While frontman Greg Dulli has been knocking around under his Twilight Singers and Gutter Twins guises for a while now, it’s the return of his former band that will have fans most ecstatic. With support from sludge-metallers Melvins, Seattle survivors Mudhoney and a host of others, who cares if it rains this weekend – it’s going to rock whatever! Wood Green

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NEW BAND

LIMP BIZKIT GIG TUES, MAY 29. 7PM £29.50

It seems such a long time ago Fred Durst was the biggest name on Planet Rock. He and his limp cohorts are back for the first time in three years – continuing this week’s Nineties flavour – probably banging on about wanting to break stuff, despite now being middle-aged.

Photos: Maoya Bassiouni; Simone Joyner

Brixton Academy 211 Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL Brixton o2academybrixton.co.uk

SOUTH CITY ROOF PARTY

URBAN NERDS

CLUB

SUN, MAY 27. 2PM-MIDNIGHT £10

SAT, MAY 26. 10PM-6AM £10+

Enterting its fourth year, this season launch party welcomes the capital’s clubbers to a new venue, with awesome 360˚ views of the city from its rooftop terrace. With a line-up to die for – Ballearic legend Andy P, Jody Wisternoff, Colin Dale, So Called Scumbags and more – this is the best place to start your summer clubbing.

It’s all about the bass for this fifth birthday bash for bass brand Urban Nerds. After throwing banging parties across the country, they’ve handpicked an eclectic line-up of the UK’s finest bass artists – Newham Generals, Gorgon City, Kozzie, Scrufizzer and Warrior One – for this crazy night of choons.

The Bussey Building 133 Rye Lane, SE15 3ST Peckham Rye residentadvisor.net

Scala 275 Pentonville Road, N1 9NL King’s Cross urban-nerds.com

BEACH HOUSE

WE FEAR SILENCE: BLUEPRINT

TOTALLY ENORMOUS EXTINCT DINOSAURS

GIG

CLUB

GIG

THURS, MAY 24. 7PM £30+

SAT, MAY 26 10PM-6AM £10+

WEDS, MAY 23. 7PM £12

They obtained cult status with their offbeat selftitled debut, but it wasn’t until breakthrough Teen Dream that this dream-pop duo hit paydirt with their melancholia. Victoria Legrand and Alex Scally are back with a new album, the luscious Bloom, featuring single Myth, so expect them to dip into that and their back catalogue.

Techno legend Surgeon, aka Anthony Childs, heads to Cable for this ‘20 Years Of Surgeon’ anniversary DJ set, which will take in all aspects of his leftfield, diverse, industrial-flavoured career to date. James Ruskin, Silent Servant and Sigha round out this techno-head room one, with Russell Haswell, Tengui and MB & CB next door.

One of the best band names ever, if a slightly erroneous one (he’s not a dinosaur, extinct or otherwise, and there’s only one of him). Expect fans to be legion for the man they know as TEED, who will smash this Camden show with his electro-house tuneage, extravagant costumes, and eye-popping spectacle.

Village Underground 54 Holywell Lane, EC2A 3PQ Liverpool Street villageunderground.co.uk

Cable 33 Bermondsey Street tunnel, SE1 3JW London Bridge cable-london.com

KOKO 1a Camden High Street, NW1 7JE Mornington Crescent koko.uk.com

JAPANDROIDS THE BUZZ SO FAR Not new, in that their debut Post-Nothing was out in 2010, a grubby, garage rock-y assortment of noise. Since then, this Vancouver-hailing duo, who’ve shunned adding numbers to their ranks, have split up, avoided death (guitarist Bring King suffered a perforated ulcer) and then celebrated shoving two fingers up at the Grim Reaper by reuniting. Their follow-up LP, Celebration Rock is out June 4, and they’re touring in support. THE CRITICS SAY “The best band on this planet right now.” Pitchfork.com THE PLUG They play The Camp Basement, May 22 EC1Y 2BJ. £9.50 Old Street thecamplondon.com Upstairs at the Garage, May 29 N5 1RD. £8 Highbury & Islington venues.meanfiddler.com

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CLUBLISTINGS

MONDAY 21 Cuban Hideaway DJ Rich plays Latin, house, funk and R‘n’B. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 7070). 9.40pm-late. £7.

Vibe DJs on rotation including Anas, Spider, Prezedent, Ice, Commander B, Pioneer and DJ L spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, funky house, garage, bashment and reggae. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 10pm-3am. £7, w/flyer £5 before midnight, ladies £5, free before 11.30pm.

BOOK NOW!

Distrikt DJs Paul Barkworth and HowYin spin disco, house and retro. Bar Music Hall, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3AR (020 7729 7216). 9pm-3am. £5, free before 10pm.

Xxtra Terry-James Lynch hosts a night of house, electro and pop, plus fashion. The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988). 10pm-3am. £5, free before 11pm.

Hard Core Salsa DJ Mario plays mambo and salsa, plus dance lessons. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 7pm-late. £4, free before 9pm. I Love Mondays DJ Victor spins commercial dance, disco, pop, garage, R‘n’B and funky house. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/cc 020 7287 3727). 10pm-3.30am. £5, w/flyer £3, NUS £1.50. Monday Madness DJs Bruno and Jimmy Jam spin pop and carnival classics. Walkabout, Temple, Temple Place, WC2R 2PH (020 7054 8033). 8pm-midnight. £5, free before 8pm. Popcorn Jonesey, Harvey Adam, Jamie Hammond and Terry T-Rex provide dance, electro, R‘n’B, pop and hip-hop. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). 11pm-5.30am. £8. Rehab DJ Haley, Zoe Demonette, Dan Udy and Malarky supply indie, electro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, mems £1 before 10.30pm. Service Industry Night Colin Russell and Donald Sweeneey provide R‘n’B, hip-hop and chart. Rumba, Shaftesbury Ave, W1D 7EP (020 7287 2715). 9pm3am. £7, £5 before midnight, w/payslip free before midnight.

TUESDAY 22 Balearic Deep, vocal, and Balearic house courtesy of Amir Groove and Nick Tcherniak. The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988). 10pm-3am. £5, guestlist free. Panic Max Panic, Gaz Panic and That Perfect Fumble spin indie, electro, retro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, w/flyer free before 10.30pm. Pink Tuesdays Freight Train spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, soul, funk and electro. Mother Bar, Old St, EC1V 9LE (020 7739 5949). 8pm-3am. Free. Ruby Tuesdays Pop, R‘n’B and 1980s hits from Sandra D and Joe Grohl. Ku Bar, Lisle St, WC2H 7BA (020 7437 4303). 9pm-late. Free. Stupid Tuesday Resident DJs play funky house, disco and pop. Thirst, Greek St, W1D 3DR (020 7437 1977). 5pm-3am. £3, free before 10pm. The Tuesday Night Project DJ Julio Bravo spins chart, party, dance and R‘n’B. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040). 9pm-3am. Free. White Heat DJs Matty, Olly and Marcus spin electro, techno and indie. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 10.30pm-3am. £5, concs/flyer £4.

FRIDAY 25 GLOBAL GATHERING Long Marston Airfield. Jul 27-28. £105 Tinie Tempah (above), Chase And Status and Friendly Fires are just some of the names at this pop-dance fest. Grab your tickets now. CV37 8LL

Stratford Upon Avon

WEDNESDAY 23 Cheapskates Old school hip-hop, electro and disco courtesy of DJ Downfall. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 9pm-3.30am. £6.50, NUS £5.50, w/flyer £4.50. Choke Resident DJs play hip-hop, drum ‘n’ bass, electro, indie and grime. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £4, guestlist £3. Clubbing London & Max Parties Resident DJs spin house and electro. The Den & Centro, West Central St, WC1A 1JJ (020 7240 1083). Midnight-6am. £10. Dance Nights Princess Karina and DJ Gary Baldi spin dance hits. EC3 Live, Crosswall, EC3N 2JY (020 7488 1766). 11.30pm-3am. £10. Madd Raff Wednesdays The Heatwave supply bashment and dancehall, plus a dance session with dancehall instructor Safwaan Shoshoni of Pineapple Studios. The Social, Little Portland St, W1W 7JD (020 7636 4992). 7pm-1am. £5, £3 before 11pm, free before 9pm. N*A*S*I*N SoniX, Brahim and Punk Gareth play punk, rock, metal and ska. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). 11pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £4, NUS £3, mems £2. Roda De Samba DJs Limao, Marilia Felix and Thakosta spin Latin and house, with a live performance from Mafua De IAIA. Guanabara, Parker St, WC2B 5PW (020 7242 8600). 5.30pm-late. £5 after 9pm. Trannyshack Miss Dusty O, Tasty Tim and Lady Lloyd spin commercial dance and pop. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 10pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £3, free before midnight. Variete Nouveau Compere Coco Dubois presents a night of variety, circus, magic, comedy, vaudeville, cabaret and burlesque. Proud Cabaret, Mark Ln, EC3R 7AH (020 7482 3867). 8pm-late. £49 inc meal.

globalgathering.com

Work Lee Harris, Niyi Maximus Crown and Big John Freeman spin house, pop, electro, R‘n’B, funk and dancehall. Fire, South Lambeth Rd, SW8 1UQ (020 7582 9890). 11pm-5am. £5, £4 before 1am.

THURSDAY 24 The Doctors Orders Just Blaze, Spin Doctor and Chris P Cuts spin hip-hop and house. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 9pm-2am. £10.

Beat Players DJ Spen, Sy Sez, Neil Pierce and Ziggy Funk spin house in the basement, while Dr Bob Jones, Stephen Adams and Shaun Samuel play disco, soul, funk and retro. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 9pm-5am. £15, adv £8 & £10. Calentito Pop, R‘n’B, and soul. Salvador And Amanda, Great Newport St, WC2H 7JA (020 7240 1551). 9pm3am. £10, free before 9pm, guestlist £5. Flagzfest Soca courtesy of Alison Hinds, Problem Child and Lava Man. The Coronet, New Kent Rd, SE1 6TJ (020 7701 1500). 10pm-7am. £28. Friday De Lux Resident DJs spin dance and old school hits. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

Earnest Endeavours DJs spin electronica, with screen printing from Hit & Run Crew. The Basing House, Kingsland Rd, E2 8AA (020 7688 0339). 9pm-2am. £10.

Grande Fete Compere Coco Dubois presents a decadent and classique Parisienne dinner show. Proud Cabaret, Mark Ln, EC3R 7AH (020 7482 3867). 8.30pm-late. £49 inc meal.

Fabriclive Present Ram Jam David Rodigan MBE, Ms Dynamite, Bitty Mclean, Caspa, Toddla T and The Heatwave spin techno, electro, dubstep and garage. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898). 10pm-3am. £13, mems £12, adv £18 inc CD.

Licked Beatz DJs Joker, Zed Bias, Swindle, Marcus Nasty, Logan Sama, Scruffizer, Preditah, Stinkahbell, Rattus Rattus and Klose One spin drum ‘n’ bass, dub and hip-hop. Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730). 10pm-6am. £12, adv £5 & £8.

Faded DJs Cable, Snips, CWD and Fusion spin hip-hop and drum ‘n’ bass. The Rhythm Factory, Whitechapel Rd, E1 1EW (020 7375 3774). 10pm-3am. £8, £5 before 11pm.

Over The Moon Commander B, Jolly Roger, Ice, Spider, PnP and Prezident spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, reggae and funky house. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/cc 020 7287 3727). 10pm-5am. £12, w/flyer £5, w/flyer free before 12.30am.

Gravity DJs Alan K and Fat Tony spin electro, house and disco, with hosts Mauricio and Danny Boyce. Fire, South Lambeth Rd, SW8 1UQ (020 7582 9890). 2pm-late. £10, concs £5. Noir Nights Dolores Delight presents a dark, nostalgic cabaret inspired by the Weimar era. Proud Cabaret, Mark Ln, EC3R 7AH (020 7482 3867). 8.30pm-late. £49 inc meal. QueerlyOut DJ Robby D spins commercial dance, pop and R‘n’B. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040). 9pm-3am. £5, £3, free before 9pm. Room Service Weekly gay dance party in the company of residents Kris Di Angelis, Severino, Fat Tony, Steve Pitron, Matt Bogard and Ariel. Miabella, Greek St, W1D 4DL (020 7025 7844). 10pm-3am. £10, £5 before 11pm.

Simmer DJs King Britt, Mark Pavitt and Richard Adam spin hip-hop, house and electro. The Basing House, Kingsland Rd, E2 8AA (020 7688 0339). 10pm-4am. £5-£12. Trouble Vision DJs Tensnake, John Talabot, Waifs And Strays, Behling And Simpson, Futureboogie, Mr Solid Gold and Park Ranger spin house and disco at the aptly named Summer Showdown. Corsica Studios, Elephant Rd, SE17 1LB (020 7703 4760). 10pm-6am. £10-£25, adv £8-£15. Wah Wah Live And Jazz Cafe Present Jazzanova (DJ set), Dom Servini and Konvex spin soul, jazz and breaks, plus live performances from Hackney Colliery Band, United Vibrations, Scrimshire and Part-Time Heroes. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). 9pm-late. £12.

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SATURDAY 26 Fabric Craig Richards, Levon Vincent, Space Dimension, Will Saul, Controller, Cosmin TRG, Midland, Terry Francis, Dachshund and Eddie Richards spin house and techno, with live a performance from Al Tourettes. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898). 11pm-8am. £19, adv £18, adv £23 inc CD, NUS £12, mems £13, £10 after 4am. Gift Of House DJs Mark Radford, Dominique Danielle, Kismet And Feva, Deja vu, Jamie Walker, Onetouch And Alex M, Annonymous And J’rome play house. Proud 2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (020 8463 3070). 10pm-5am. £15, concs £10. The Magic Theatre DJ Kobayashi spins jazz, rock ‘n’ roll and vintage sounds, plus Natty Bo And The Top Cats perform live. Rivoli Ballroom, Brockley Rd, SE4 2BY (020 8692 5130). 8pm-3am. £16, adv £14. Northern Soul All-Nighter DJs Butch, Ady Croasdell and Joel Maslin spin Northern Soul. 100 Club, Oxford St, W1D 1LL (020 7636 0933). 10pm-6am. £12. Roller Disco Old school roller disco with Mr Shiver and DJ Bradley playing disco, funk, soulful house, electro and breakbeat. Renaissance Rooms, opposite Arch 8, Arches, Miles St, SW8 1RZ (0844 736 5375). 8pm-2am. £15, adv £14. Tempo Eterno Resident DJs spin house and electro. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free. We Fear Silence Present Blueprint DJs James Ruskin, Surgeon, Silent Servant and Sigha spin techno, electro, drum ‘n’ bass and dubstep in Room 1, while Room 2 bows down to Russell Haswell, Tengui and MB & CB. Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730). 10pm6am. £15, NUS £13, adv £8-£12.

SUNDAY 27 Beyond Afterhours DJs Steve Pitron, Mikey D, Alan K, Sharp Boys, Gonzalo Rivas, Paul Heron, HiFi Sean, Paul Christian, Ariel and Fat Tony spin house, electro and techno across three floors. Fire, South Lambeth Rd, SW8 1UQ (020 7582 9890). 6pm-1am. £12. Can’t Stop Won’t Stop Mark Radford, Maximus, Lee Edwards and Roch-Mix-Hard spin house and techno. Club Aquarium, Old St, EC1V 9DD (020 7251 6136). 11pm-6am. £15, £10 before midnight, ladies free before midnight. One Life A vast roster of top DJs attempt to break the Official DJ relay world record, currently 81 DJs in one mix, one after each other, bringing communities from across London together to “Mix” as one. The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010). 3pm-3am. £15. Sunday Resident DJs spin house, electro and funk. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

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MONDAY 21 The Dunwells The Leeds-based five-piece plays country-infused acoustic rock. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/cc 0871 231 0842). £10.

BOOK NOW!

Jay-Z And Kanye West The chart-topping rappers unite to perform hip-hop in support of their album Watch The Throne. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £39.50-£60.

Savoy Family Cajun Band Cajun music by the Louisianabased band. Cecil Sharp House, Regents Park Rd, NW1 7AY (020 7485 2206). £16, concs £13. The Temper Trap The Australian quartet plays melodic indie-pop from their album The Temper Trap. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £16.50. Various Cruelties Indie-pop from the London-based outfit. Hoxton Square Bar And Kitchen, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7613 0709). £11.50.

TUESDAY 22 Business As Usual, The Loft, Me Dad Is A Punk, Restless Air The band plays rock and pop. 100 Club, Oxford St, W1D 1LL (020 7636 0933). £20, adv £15. Gravenhurst Alt rock from Bristol-based singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist Nick Talbot and his band. The Lexington, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JB (020 7837 5371). £11. Laura Pausini Pop by the Italian singer-songwriter. Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP (0845 401 5045). £25-£40. Pond The Australian band plays psychedelic rock from the album Beard, Wives, Denim. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). £9. The Skatalites Pioneer ska band from Jamaica. Islington Town Hall, Upper St, N1 2UD (020 7527 2000). £23.50 & £27.50. Anna Ternheim, Roo Panes The Swedish singer-songwriter plays acoustic folk and indierock. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £14. Krystle Warren Acoustic folk and soul from the American singer-songwriter and musician. Dingwalls, Camden Lock, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AB (020 7428 0010/ cc 020 7428 5929). £15. White Denim The Texan fourpiece plays garage-rock and experimental psych-rock. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7344 0044). £16.50.

Yasiin Bey Hip-hop artist, Dante Terrell Smith, formally known as Mos Def. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7344 0044). £25.

Xtatic Soul and funk outfit fronted by Vanessa Haynes. Dover St Restaurant And Bar, Dover St, W1S 4LQ (020 7629 9813). £12, free before 10pm.

Buzzcocks The veteran punk fourpiece from Manchester plays their hits. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £25.

FRIDAY 25 Blancmange, Strangers Synthpop and new wave by the Londonbased veterans. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/cc 0844 477 2000). £17.

Malcolm Middleton Indie-rock by the singer-songwriter from Falkirk and one-half of Arab Strap. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). £14.50. The Rasmus, Mallory Knox Pop rock from Finnish band best known for the song In The Shadows. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £13.50.

SATURDAY 26

U.K. Bassist John Wetton and keyboardist and electric violinist Eddie Jobson reform their prog rock supergroup. Under The Bridge, Fulham Rd, SW6 1HS (020 7957 8261). £38.

MARILYN MANSON Brixton Academy. Thurs, Jul 5. £30 The ‘god of fuck’ is still going, and brings his latest show of goth-metal spectacle to town in support of ninth album, Born Villain. SW9 9SL

Brixton

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WEDNESDAY 23 Baloji Rap, rumba and reggae by the Afro-Belgian singer. Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). £14. Elvis Costello & The Imposters The singer-songwriter Declan MacManus performs his best known songs. Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP (0845 401 5045). £28.50 & £38.50.

Westlife: The Greatest Hits Tour, Vanquish The internationally acclaimed pop quartet performs its chart-topping hits. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £38.50 & £44.

THURSDAY 24 Chris Abrahams Avant garde and improvised music by the Australian pianist. Cafe Oto, Ashwin St, E8 3DL (020 7923 1231). £10, adv £8.

Louise Golbey The young, upand-coming singer-songwriter and musician, showcases her unique style of neo soul. Volupte, Norwich St, EC4A 1EJ(020 7831 1677). £50 inc meal.

Beach House The Baltimorebased duo plays dream pop and indie from the album Bloom. Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). £14.

Green Note Folk Festival: The London Lasses And Pete Quinn London-based traditional Irish music outfit. The Old Queen’s Head, Essex Rd, N1 8LN (020 7354 9993). £12.

Crybaby Soul rock from Bristol-based singer-songwriter Danny Coughlan. St Pancras Old Church, Euston Rd, NW1 2BA (020 7388 1461). £10.50.

Katzenjammer Pop, folk and blues by the Oslo-based group. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £13.50.

Duke Special Vaudevillian pop-rock from the Belfast-based singersongwriter. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £15.

Michael Kiwanuka Retro soul from the London-based singer and musician. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £14.

The Enemy The Coventry-based band plays indie-rock from the album Streets In The Sky. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £16.50.

LMC Japanese electro-rock band. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £20.

Boo Hewerdine & Brook Williams, State Of The Union The former Bible songsmith plays folk-pop. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £10.

The Magnetic North The Canadian band plays indie-folk. Wilton’s Music Hall, Graces Alley, off Ensign St, E1 8JB (020 7702 2789). £12.50. Ozric Tentacles Psychedelic and space rock instrumentals by the band from Somerset. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/cc 0844 477 2000). £17. Alasdair Roberts And Mairi Morrison The singers unite to perform Gaelic folk in support of their album Urstan. The Slaughtered Lamb, Great Sutton St, EC1V 0DX (020 7253 1516). £14. Tyga American artist Michael Stevenson performs hip-hop and R‘n’B. IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). £17.50 & £20.

Gary Lucas Experimental rock from the American guitar virtuoso, songwriter and composer. Islington Town Hall, Upper St, N1 2UD (020 7527 2000). £15 & £20. Mac Miller Hip-hop from the American rapper. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7344 0044). £16.50.

Gaz Coombes Indie-rock by the singer-songwriter and ex-member of Supergrass. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £12.50. The Dogbones, Poino, Claire Lemmon, Dogstand Garage-punk and grunge by the London-based band. The Windmill, Blenheim Gardens, SW2 5BZ (020 8671 0700). £10. Issy & David Emeney, Kate Riaz Folk originals in a traditional style by the duo from Cheddar. Kings Place, York Way, N1 9AG (020 7520 1490). £12.50, adv £9.50. Gallon Drunk, The Sharp Tongues, Straylings The London-based four-piece plays bluesy garagerock in support of the album The Road Gets Darker From Here. Nambucca, Holloway Rd, N7 6LB (020 7281 8877). £10. Glenn Hughes & Fish Classic rock from the veteran singer and the former Marillion frontman. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £22.50. Imaani The vocalist sings soul and R‘n’B. Patrick’s Bar, Westow Hill, SE19 1SE (020 8761 9078). £12, adv £10. Paul Kalkbrenner Electronica and techno from the Berlinbased musician and producer. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7344 0044). £17.50. Akosh Kovacs Hungarian pop-rock singer-songwriter. The Clapham Grand, St John’s Hill, SW11 1TT (020 7223 6523). £25. Luciano Ligabue Rock singersongwriter from Italy. Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP (0845 401 5045). £40. The Primitives, School Indiepop by the Coventry-based band. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £15. Reuben Richards & Soul Train Blues, funk and soul from the seven-piece. Boisdales Of Canary Wharf, Cabot Hall, E14 4QT (020 7715 5818). £10-£30.

Rumer The soulful vocalist performs soft rock. St James’s Church, Piccadilly, W1J 9LL (020 7381 0441). £28.50.

Martin Simpson, James Riley, Roger The Chorister The singersongwriter and guitarist performs folk. DHFC, Edgar Kail Way, SE22 8BD (07985 357958). £11, concs £7.

Say Anything Indie-punk by the Los Angeles-based band. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £12.50.

The Soft Moon Post-punk by the San Francisco-based band. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £13.50.

Vinicio Capossela Alt folk by the Italian singer-songwriter. Barbican Centre, Silk St, EC2Y 8DS (020 7638 8891). £18-£28. Frei.Wild German language rock from the four-piece. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £11. Otis Grand Classic and contemporary blues by the American guitarist. Boisdales Of Canary Wharf, Cabot Hall, E14 4QT (020 7715 5818). £10-£30. Hue & Cry Pop by the band from Coatbridge. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/cc 0844 477 2000). £22.50, £32.50 w/signed album. Jill Jackson The Paisley-born singer-songwriter performs melodic, acoustic pop. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £15. Judas Priest Heavy metal and hard rock from the influential veteran five-piece from Birmingham led by singer-songwriter Rob Halford. HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £38.50. Errol Linton Band Classic British blues by the harmonica-player and colleagues. Colour House Theatre, Merton Abbey Mills, off Merantun Way, SW19 2RD (020 8542 5511). £10, concs £8. Orcas Ambient and experimental pop by Benoit Pioulard and postminimalist composer Rafael Anton Irisarri. Cafe Oto, Ashwin St, E8 3DL (020 7923 1231). £10, adv £8.50. Daniele Silvestri Pop-rock by the Rome-based singer-songwriter. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/cc 0844 847 1678). £16.

SUNDAY 27 Suzy Bogguss Classic country music by the American singersongwriter. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £22.50. Carabao Veteran rock band from Thailand. The Coronet, New Kent Rd, SE1 6TJ (020 7701 1500). £27. Wakin Chau Pop from the Hong Kong-born singer-songwriter and actor. HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £28-£128. Hari Sivanesan & Pirashanna Thevarajah The veena player and mridangam player perform traditional Indian music. Southbank Centre, Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX (020 7960 4200/cc 0844 875 0073). £10 & £12, concs £5 & £6. Roddy Woomble The Idlewild singer performs folk in support of his album The Impossible Song & Other Songs. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/cc 0871 231 0842). £15.

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“

Dignified: Liz 28

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LONDONFOCUS

Reclaiming the streets Homeless people are becoming street guides, actors and opera singers. We take an Unseen Tour in east London WORDS KATIE GRANT

“

Amid a sea of hipsters clad in their strict uniform of preppy shirts, super-skinny jeans and brogues without socks, I immediately spot my tour guide, Liz. Petite, with flawless skin, a delicate bone structure and wide, almond-shaped eyes, her sartorial choices are made with practicality in mind. Her slim frame is hidden underneath layers of baggy clothes and there’s not a hint of makeup on her pale face. As Liz, a guide with Unseen Tours, has spent a large part of her life living on the streets, I expect if anyone can teach me about the secrets of east London, it’s her. With an ethos to help homeless people, the Unseen Tours initiative aims to “show London’s historical and cultural quirks in an unusual and entertaining way“. The tours are not of the homeless, but with them. Our group meets in Hoxton Square for a one-anda-half-hour tour through Hoxton, Shoreditch and Brick Lane, finishing at Spitalfields Market. As we wander, Liz demonstrates a comprehensive knowledge of the area, interspersing historical facts with anecdotes about life on the street. We pass the Boundary Estate, one of the first social housing developments in Europe set up in 1900, and she points out a building next to a church where she used to squat before the vicar rather uncharitably insisted she and her companions relocate. Although she is remarkably open about everyday life on the street, Liz is reluctant to go into detail about the specific turns of events that led to her homelessness. But she does reveal that, “making the most detrimental life choices” alienated her from her support networks and consequently left her with nowhere to turn. The daughter of a teacher and a lay rabbi, she says: “I come from a nice background. Sometimes I feel like I’m just undercover here.” She’s not, though; she’s living proof that a comfortable upbringing is no guarantee of security later in life and that homelessness really can happen to anyone. As we get to The Ten Bells pub on the corner of Commercial and Fournier streets, which was patronised in the 1880s by victims of Jack The Ripper, Liz, 30, explains it’s possible he targeted this area because the female boarding house nearby, filled with poorer, more vulnerable women, made for easy prey. She also tells us that although Spitalfields today is bursting with trendy bars and shops, in years gone by it

played a key role in some of the most significant political movements in Britain. On Hanbury Street, she stops outside Christ Church Hall, where Charles Dickens used to give public readings of his works in at a time when most of Britain was illiterate, inspiring reading groups, opening up the possibility of literacy and education to the masses for the first time. The building saw the birth of the Suffragette movement, and was used by the Matchstick Girls to hold strike meetings, which led to the establishment of the trade unions. Then, when we reach St Leonard’s Church, Liz bursts into an impromptu version of the children’s nursery rhyme Oranges And Lemons, depicting a conversation between the bells of several City churches. In the song, the Old Bailey’s demands to know, “When will you pay me?” to which the bells of Shoreditch reply, “When I grow rich”. People on the tour are very excited to discover this is one of the churches to feature in the song they spent many a breaktime chanting along to in the playground. I also discover that Liz and her partner have seven-yearold daughter. Having lost her social housing placement ››

On tour: in Brick Lane TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Sock Mob: behind the tours several weeks ago thanks to government cuts, she’s back on the streets once again and is currently living in a tent in Finsbury Square amongst the Occupy London protesters. However, Liz’s situation could be worse, she concedes, recalling when, during a previous stay on the streets, a group of drunken passers-by decided it would be amusing to set fire to all her possessions. “It was just devastating,” she says. When I ask her how she copes, Liz shrugs and replies: “People are more resilient than they realise.“ Working as an Unseen Tours guide has had a positive impact on Liz’s life – guides receive 60 per cent of tickets as well as expenses – but the role offers them a purpose, a routine and the chance to interact with people they would otherwise be isolated from. “I provide a service. I have knowledge, skills. People look at me and don’t just see a homeless person sitting on their bum, but somebody to talk to, listen to and learn from,“ Liz says. This is exactly what Lidija Mavra envisioned when she founded The Sock Mob, the group behind Unseen Tours, in 2003. An informal assortment of Londoners who wanted to help homeless people integrate into society, they distributed socks to break the ice and befriended them. Spending time with them and listening to their stories, Mavra realised living on the streets gave homeless people a specialist knowledge of the city, and developed the Unseen Tours. Training homeless people as guides empowers them, while visitors and Londoners hear an alternative story of the city. Much like The Big Issue – which is celebrating its 21st birthday this year – the philosophy underpinning The Sock

Mob’s work is that homeless people deserve to be treated with respect, and achieve this through self-empowerment. This outlook is shared by Cardboard Citizens (cardboardcitizens.org.uk), a performing arts company which brings together and changes the lives of homeless through theatre. Its performers are street people who receive professional training and a decent wage, and the group regularly collaborate with major arts organisations, most notably The Royal Shakespeare Company. Meanwhile, Streetwise Opera (streetwiseopera.org) promotes music-making among homeless people, training participants to a professional standard. It runs weekly music

“

Everything can change in a heartbeat

”

Unseen Tours has tours running in Brick Lane, Covent Garden, London Bridge, Mayfair and Shoreditch. Tickets £10. Two free places per tour are provided for people unable to pay. sockmobevents.org.uk

Photos: Unseen Tours

programmes in homeless centres across England and have staged a number of critically acclaimed, award-winning operas. This year its is performing a production, With One Voice, at London’s Royal Opera House as part of the London 2012 Festival. Approaching the end of the Brick Lane Unseen Tour, Liz stops and gestures to a phone box, explaining it’s a popular spot to score drugs. As if on cue, a bedraggled-looking man exits and hurries up the road. We’re just around the corner from a main stretch favoured by the trendy Silicon Roundabout arty-types, so I’m surprised to learn this is a flashpoint area. “It is a trendy, vibrant neighbourhood,” Liz agrees, “but this is London and everything can change in a heartbeat.” East London is filled with graphic designers, fashion students, artists and gallery workers. But look a little closer and you’ll notice the street people who’ve been here for years. Both sets occupy the same area but they are living in separate worlds. As Liz says: “Most people don’t truly know the places they think they do at all.” ❚

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A DAY AT HOMELANZ FOR YOU & 5 MATES! TNT T and Homelanz have teamed up to give one lucky reader a day at Homelanz for them and five mates (valued at ÂŁ400). Homelanz is a one-day London festival celebrating the best Southern Hemisphere culture, entertainment, music and cuisine. This year will be bigger and better with13 bands over two stages, including headliners Kora, from New Zealand; Prime Circle, from South Africa; and Alex Lloyd from Australia. There will also be a silent disco, chill-out zone and a family-friendly area to keep kids of all ages entertained.

Your tastebuds will certainly be well catered for at Homelanz, with a variety of cuisine from Down Under, as well as well-stocked bars with your favourite flavours from home and wine exhibitors showcasing the wonderful diversity of the regions. And with more entertainment to announced soon, your eyes and ears are also guaranteed a truly memorable day!

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Sean Hughes The Irish stand-up comedian on tackling taboos, reality TV and his ‘uplifting show about death’ INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON

When did you decide the death of your father from cancer would be the topic for your show, Life Becomes Noises? I always try to write about what’s happening. I tend to be quite cynical in my outlook but I wanted to do “an uplifting show about death”. I decided a couple of years ago to do it, because a lot of thoughts were about my father’s impending death, and you can’t touch on stuff like that in a 20-minute set. It’s a surprising topic for comedy... Death is part of the of the whole life cycle and so is as valid as anything else to talk about. You mention how little money is spent on cancer research by the government. Yes, but I don’t want to bamboozle people with facts. I was shocked, though, that the government relies on industry and charity to do most of that. Everyone’s affected by cancer and I found it odd so little money is spent on it. One of the things about the sense of loss is that you don’t think people are doing enough about it. How have people responded to it? You don’t need to be obsessed with death or know someone who has died recently to get something out of the show. People who still have parents tend to, and I am happy about this, think: “I should hang out with them a little bit more”. I had some friends come to one of the shows. One of them, whose father had died last year, was still keeping hold of a bedsit her father used to live in and her reaction was that it was probably about time that she let go of that now. I like the fact that this show brings up an internal monologue within people. Is performing the show cathartic? In a way, but that wasn’t the reason for doing it – to work through my emotions. It wanted to use it as a springboard for discussing these sort of things. Is it difficult balancing emotion and comedy, because there are some touching moments, like when you talk about connecting with your dad? That bit is quite sad, but the philosophy of the show is to grab every moment, which is an

Making noises: Sean Hughes impossible way to live your life, really. But I’ve always said, ‘don’t waste time watching daytime TV when you could be doing something more useful with your life’. Has it been a difficult show to perform? It has been in a sense that there are a lot of emotions in there, but I don’t think I’ll ever have the Daniel Day Lewis moment, like when he walked off stage doing Hamlet because he thought he was talking to his own late father. Where did the idea come from to incorporate more performance elements in to the show, such as the puppets and the stage props? I just think about the best way to articulate an idea and so I looked at different ways to do that. I do a little puppet piece on top of a mantelpiece, but it’s now going to incorporate a whole puppet arena. It doesn’t have to just be me talking. You sing Snow Patrol’s Run at one point – has that been a challenge? That was one of the lynchpins really, because I am a sucker for being manipulated by music. One of the first nights that I did the show this woman, said ‘oh my god, I love that song’. And then when I did it later on I had to comfort her because she was bawling her eyes out. It’s one of those songs that gets people.

Do you have any plans for the future? I am going to take this show to America and Australia, too. I might try and write a play later on in the year. I like theatre, but I find that it is too written sometimes and so this would be to play with format and see where that takes me. It wouldn’t be a state of the nation thing, but more about sexual politics. Who is your comedy icon? Richard Pryor. As a teenager, I saw him on TV and decided that was what I wanted to do. I’m a working-class, Catholic, Dublin boy and he was then a crack-addicted, middle-aged American from a poor family but I thought, ‘you’re speaking my language’. How’s comedy changed since you started out? Lots of people see stand up as a way of getting on TV. There will always be mavericks in every generation who will do stuff that’s different, I don’t want to generalise, but there are so many people who say they are a stand-up comic, and you think, ‘no you’re not!”. It seems some people think it’s a job you need very few skills for – just stand on stage and talk! Sean Hughes: Life Becomes Noises at Udderbelly Festival. May 27. £15 SE1 8XX underbelly.co.uk Waterloo

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The hunt was on for Bruce Willis’ vest

MOONRISE KINGDOM FILM review by Alasdair Morton STARRING: Jared Gilman, Kara Hayward, Bruce Willis, Edward Norton | 12A | 96mins

MEN IN BLACK 3 FILM STARRING: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin | PG | 105mins

The men are back – in 3D – for this third outing in the sci-fi-comedy series. After Barry Sonnenfeld’s less-successful second installment, it’s been a case of back to basics, literally, with a time travel story taking Smith’s wise-cracking Agent J back to the Sixties, where he meets a young Agent K (a suitably dour Brolin), to stop an assassination attempt that will change history. On general release from May 25

Wes Anderson’s (The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, The Royal Tenebaums) latest continues his now trademark fractured families and kookiness, but adds laughout-loud humour and crowd-pleasing drama to his tale of young love. Sam (Jared Gilman) and Suzy (Kara Hayward) are two kids on a quiet New England island. Sam’s an orphan, unpopular with his peers, and Suzy is deeply misunderstood by her family, from whom she is withdrawn. The two embark on a pen pal relationship that blossoms into something more, and as they run away together, a search party – comprising Edward Norton’s Scout Master Ward and scout troupe, Bruce Willis’ gruff police Captain Sharp, Bill Murray and Frances McDormand’s warring parents, and Tilda Swinton’s ‘Social Services’ – is launched. Opening with a panning shot through a house reminiscent of the Belafonte’s introduction in Aquatic, there’s no mistaking this is an Anderson flick; his static camera, offset by stylised pans and zooms and his quirks and colourful costumes illuminates. Yet where willful eccentricty often overtook story and drama before, here broad humour (Norton and Harvey Kietel in adult scout uniforms, for one) and a tale with real emotional resonance are introduced. Sam and Suzy, the lovelorn delinquents, genuinely affect, and there are countless winning one-liners and hilarious touches. It’s Anderson’s most accessible and satisfying film to date – where he was more likely to raise wry smirks before, here the laughs come from the belly. GOOD FOR: Seeing Anderson marry his winning whimsy with heart.

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GIVE US A

COMEDY BONK

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

This late and loud comedy show is a raucous affair. MC Laura Carr marshalls the mayhem, with Chris Dangerfield and Lloyd Griffiths kickstarting the laughs, and Absolute Radio DJ and stand-up Greg Burns (right) headlining into the small hours. Expect riotous acts and, probably, a booze-fuelled riotous audience, too.

Ha ha!

Soho Theatre 21 Dean Street, W1D 3NE. May 26. 11.30pm. £15 Oxford Circus sohotheatre.com

WRITING BRITAIN

A SLOW AIR

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

Subtitled ‘Wastelands to Wonderlands’, this exhibition considers what effect the British landscape, from its rolling hills to grey skies and urban decay, had on British authors such as JG Ballard and William Blake. Includes manuscripts, photos, videos and more, in its look at the Grey Isles’ creative output.

For 14 years, middle-aged siblings Athol and Morna haven’t spoken. But what caused the rift between single mum Morna and solid, reliable, happily married Athol? In an absorbing 80 mins, David Harrower’s intertwined monologues reveal how different their two lives have been in this low-key, quietly engaging two-hander. LK

British Library 96 Euston Road, NW1 2DB. Until Sept 25. £9 King’s Cross bl.uk

Tricycle Kilburn High Road, NW6 7JR. Until Jun 2. £14-£24 Kilburn tricycle.co.uk

CRAIG CAMPBELL What’s your show about? It’s me, it’s live – the back story on my life. When did you decide to be a stand-up? The stark epiphany that I could – do you want to have a blast travelling the world, making people laugh and getting paid for it?

Photos: Wilson Webb

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen on tour lately? Probably myself in a mirror, the view from the road can be pretty predictable. I did see a sheep on top of a steep-sided rock that looked like he’d been helicoptered in and placed there. Once an audience member’s waters broke... Beyond overt sexual favours, can you imagine a better compliment than your comedy kickstarting human life?

I LOVE YOU, YOU’RE PERFECT, NOW CHANGE

TOP HAT

THEATRE

This popular musical – it was the second longest running off-Broadway musical with 5,003 performances – hits London for a five-date only run. Non-linear in struture, it tells, through snapshots of various relationships, in various stages, the ups and downs of ‘‘the mating game’. Funny, relatable, and with a new London-tweak.

Irving Berlin’s 1935 RKO motion picture hit was as frothy as they come. Director Matthew White and Howard Jacques’ stage adaptation – pitching Summer Strallen and former Strictly winner Tom Chambers into the Ginger Rogers/ Fred Astaire roles of society model and Broadway dancer – is spirited, if just as light on plot. LK

Bridewell Theatre Bride Lane, EC4Y 8EQ. May 22-26. £15 Blackfriars stbridefoundation.org

Aldwych Aldwych, WC2B 4DF. Until Jan 26 2013. £20£65 Covent Garden tophatonstage.com

How exactly do you fuck a moose? A fistful of ketamine is your best friend here. Once administered, wait for the shallow breathing then begin fucking as normal. I highly recommend side-on doggy, and it’s wise to begin with smaller moose and build as your confidence grows. Craig Campbell Live The Bloomsbury, WC1H 0AH May 25. £12 Euston craigcampbelltour.com

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SPARETIME

Tom Jones: Spirit In The Room

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Dragon’s Dogma PS3

Arm yourself for some serious Capcom combat. £39.99 game.co.uk

DVD

Old Lovepants covers tracks from a mixed bag of artists, including Tom Waits and Leonard Cohen. £8.99 play.com

Mario Tennis Open Nintendo 3DS

Make a Wimbledon champ out of yourself. £29.85 thehut.com

The Temper Trap: The Temper Trap CD

The Aussie boys are back with album number two, infused with Eighties synth. £7.99 amazon.co.uk

National Rail Enquiries iPhone and android

Timetables, live departure info and a journey planner at your fingertips. Free nationalrail.co.uk

Tim Moss: How To Get To The North Pole Book

Pac-Man Kart Rally

The ultimate big trip guide for armchair travellers. £6.62 amazon.co.uk

Windows phone

Pac and friends hit the road, Mario Kart-style. £4.99 windowsphone.com

Jane Hornby: Fresh And Easy Tracker luggage lock

Book

A food fest in hardback, using wholesome ingredients. £23.96

Gadget

A global tracking service means you’ll never despair over lost luggage again. £9.95 gadgets.co.uk

thebookpeople.co.uk

The Descendants DVD

Bigtrak Retro

Dishy George Clooney plays a dishevelled dad in this poignant comedy. £5.91 whsmith.co.uk

Toy

Eighties toys are making a revival and this six-wheel robotic tank is no exception. £24.95 firebox.com

The Sitter DVD

The debauched adventure of bad kids and their equally bad babysitter. £9.99 base.com

App of the Week Say Hi iTunes app

Throw away your translation books. You only need to speak into your phone, choose a language and your phone talks back! £0.69 itunes.apple.com

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Polka dot t-shirt Simple and stylish and looks like a British strawberry. That’s juicy.

Rugby shirt This is the kind of top that turns boys into men, with a splash of patriotism to boot.

Union Jack shorts Sport these and you’ll steal the queen’s thunder for sure.

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MARKETWATCH TOMS This maker of iconic ethical footwear and glasses has opened its first ever standalone store, in Covent Garden’s Seven dials. if your conscience is niggling away at you, the arrival of this US brand in one of London’s most prominent shopping hubs presents a great opportunity to make a difference to the world. You see, for every pair of shoes you buy, Toms gives a pair to a child in need. And for every pair of sunglasses, someone in poverty gets the gift of sight. Once you’ve done your good deed, you get to rock out some great shoes – including lace-up Botas, espadrilles, wedges and ballet pumps all in fab colours – and a kicking pair of shades. The basement level of this store will act as a creative hub, hosting events such as a community fair, silent auction, and exhibitions. The store’s only sticking around for two months, so get in quick. OPEN Mon to Fri, 11am-7pm; Sat, 10am-8pm; Sun, 11am-6pm COST Shoes about £40 toms.co.uk 69 Neal Street, WC2H 9PJ Covent Garden

£3.

Jubilee fashion

Union Jack t-shirt Wear this for Queen and country, no more, no less. Riverisland.com

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Flag pendant A token statement if you’re not the showy type.

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Oversized cardigan For when the street party goes into the wee hours.

Block heel ankle boots Show how much you really love good ol’ Blighty.

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Baschurch pocket square A damn fine way to finish off a snappy suit.

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Crystal crown cufflinks What the hell, fellas! A dose of dandy never hurt anyone. tattydevine.com

jackwills.com

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LIFESTYLEHEALTH CLASS OF THE WEEK

FITPOD

Just can’t get off your lazy ass to go to the gym these days? Fitpod has an MP3 recording for just about anyone committing crimes against their health by not exercising. This will help the Fitpod for the perpetually un-sporty types or one for people who just need a little help getting back into the swing of the gym. You’ll sign a contract with yourself at the start as a promise that you’ll stick to your new exercise regime. Then, every night before bed, listen to the medically approved, 10-minute motivational recording designed to convince you to go the gym. The aim of the game is to destroy bad habits, replacing them with positive messages that create focus on fitness goals and how to achieve them. Despite being cynical at first, after listening for three weeks, we found we were way more into the idea of hitting the gym in our lunch break. But the best bit is that no pain-in-the-ass calorie counting is involved. Keep listening to the recording until you’re more motivated, and then listen everytime you feel like you’re getting lazy again – you’ll be a superfit gym bunny forever.

@tntmagazine

Time to run Meet the people running this year’s Race for Life and find out why they’re getting involved WORDS CLARE VOOGHT

It’s a run that’ll appeal to people who aren’t fit but want to raise some cash for charity – because you can walk as much as you want. Since 1994, when the Race for Life started, six million people have taken part and earned £457m to fund Cancer Research UK. TNT talks to some of the inspirational people involved. Susan Fitzgerald, 34, from Gisborne in New Zealand, lives in Barbican. She works as a sports team manager for Cancer Research UK and is running in Clapham in July. It’s the first time she’s done anything like this. Her strategy is to run with two friends, also Kiwis. “We’re all useless runners,” she laughs. “So we’ll all stick together.” Fitzgerald has more than her fair share of experience of the disease, having lost one grandfather to prostate and bowel cancer, and seeing the other undergo successful treatment for the same type of the disease. Her aunt has also recently recovered from melanoma and Fitzgerald has had a breast cancer scare of her own. As such, the event will hold a lot of meaning for her. “Race for Life is quite an emotional event,” she says. “And it’s unique because you’re doing it for the running but really everyone’s doing it for the cause. I’m

confident I can do the distance, but for me the hardest part will be seeing everyone else finishing and being emotional as well.” Phillipa Dunhill, a 34-year-old personal assistant from Earlsfield, ran the Race for Life with 14 friends last year after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She says: “I got diagnosed with breast cancer in August 2010. While I was having chemotherapy I wanted something to aim for and I wanted to show people that despite having treatment, I was OK. Before the operation, I went on my friend’s hen do. She jokingly said ‘don’t make me do a marathon, but I might do a 5k’ – that got the ball rolling. Then I sent an email to my friends saying, ‘you all knew this was coming, who’s doing this with me?’” She plans to do the same again this year in Clapham in July now she has been given the all clear – but she’s going for 10k this time, and has already raised £55. “There’s six of us running. I know a couple will definitely be running ahead and I’ll be lagging behind – not because I’ve been ill, but because I can’t bloody run.” And that’s the best thing about Race for Life – you don’t have to be superfit, plus the organisation provides all the

thinkingslimmer.com

A great feeling of achievement 38

Grab your friends and get running

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STAY FRESH

Nivea For Men eye roll-on Look awake in an instant £7.99 boots.com

A team effort: get involved in Race for Life

training information and advice you need. Fitzgerald says: “I’m not actually nervous because I know that on the day you’re so supported, and everyone is in the same boat – you’ve just got to do it.” Dunhill’s tip is to not push yourself. “At the end of the day it’s for charity. It’s good fun, even if you haven’t got an involvement with cancer, it’s still great to take part in. “It was great fun doing it with friends, we all dressed up in bright pink leggings, I had wings on. I remember the last NEXT WEEK 100m, I had this sudden energy surge Making new – I literally bounded friends in London across the finish line.”

RACE IN LONDON Battersea Park, Wed Jun 13, 7pm. 5k Blackheath, Sun Jul 1, 10.30am. 5k. 10k at 2pm Clapham, Wed Jul 4, 7pm. 5k & 10k Croydon, Sun Jul 22, 11am. 5k Crystal Palace, Sun Jul 10, 11am. 5k Enfield, Sun Jun 17, 11am. 5k Finsbury Park, Sat Jul 7, 10.30am. 5k & 10k Hammersmith, Wed Jul 11, 7pm. 5k & 10k Hampstead, Sat Jun 9, 11am. 5k Hillingdon, Sun Jun 24, 11am. 5k Hyde Park, Sun May 27, 11am. 5k Regent’s Park, Sat Jul 14, 11am. 5k Richmond, Sun July 15, 11am & 2pm. 5k. Watford, Sun Jun 17, 11am. 5k

Sure men max protection Super-strong anti-perspirant £5.30 boots.com

FreshSkin exfoliating face wash Super-smoothing £12.00 superdrug.com

raceforlife.org

Photos: Race For Life, John Nicholson

TOP TREATMENT: BRIGHT EYES They say eyes are the window to the soul – so keep ‘em looking twinkly. This eye-focused facial does just that, with a little help from a mild galvanic current to rehydrate and push collagen gel deep into skin and a microtoning treatment that lifts the surrounding muscles. This is topped off with an uber-relaxing neck and shoulder massage, so you leave feeling chilled as can be. £46.00

Welcome to the chill zone

Dove Spa, Westferry Circus, Canary Wharf, E14 8RR dovespa.co.uk Westferry

Salt Spray Finally a cheaper version of the hair hero £2.49 superdrug.com

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

@tntmagazine

It’s all about chemistry: get into science teaching

Short on skills Training in a profession that is desperately needed in the UK is your ticket to a good job and a healthy pay packet WORDS REBECCA KENT It’s a perverse economic reality that some jobs are oversubscribed, while others struggle to attract candidates. The latter can be found on the UK Tier 2 Shortage Occupation list – a route of entry to the UK. TNT examines the jobs on the list, and talks to people who work in them.

Ballerina If you saw Black Swan, you’ll know how punishing a ballerina’s job can be – and that’s not counting vengeful colleagues. The physicality of walking on your toes all day is just the start. “You have to be realy dedicated,” says Kerry Birkett, 29, a dancer from Battersea. “You’re constantly in pain, your muscles are always sore, and you miss a lot of family weddings.” 40

Birkett is a dancer with the English National Ballet. Between gruelling rehearsals, she is planning a wedding with her Russian dancer boyfriend, Zhan Atymtayev. Skilled classical and contemporary ballet dancers are hard to come by, and Birkett, who was a young gymnast when she was headhunted by the Royal Ballet at 11, can only suggest this is because skill is innate. “You need to be genetically built to dance, and even then, it’s pure natural talent that will separate you from the rest,” she says. Average pay: from £23,000

Animator The industry around 3D films and lifelike video games is constantly expanding, so it’s little wonder

there is a dearth of talent in 2D and 3D animation. “There’s a certain amount of skill and training required, so you could do a three-year BA in animation, but that’s not long enough to really nail the trade. Most people go on to do a masters,” says Ed Barrett, 28, director of Animade, in London’s Victoria. “But even then, few people have what it takes. You not only have to have a skill for movement and animation, but you’ve got to turn stuff around quickly. Technology means things can be done quicker, but that also means people want things done now.” Barret, a graduate of the Royal College of Art, co-founded his company in November 2011, and works on everything from corporate videos

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ON THE JOB SOPHIA LOURENCO CAREER MD of sex toy store AGE 27 LIVES Pimlico FROM Northumberland How did you get into your line of work? Liberating myself from the shackles of the City suits and embarking on a much more exciting project, combining my love of art with an appreciation of the sex industry.

Discipline: ballet is tough to apps – they just released quickfire duelling game app, Ready Steady Bang. “It’s a fun job. There’s often pressure, but it’s ever changing, so there’s never time to get bored,” he says. Average pay: £200/day

Photos: Thinkstock

Actuary

Number crunch: actuaries are heroes LACKING IN NUMBERS Other jobs on the shortage list: Musician: you’ve got to be good enough to play in internationally recognised UK orchestras. Welder: three or more years of experience is required. Chef/cook: you must have five years of experience and get paid at least £28,260 from your employer. Medical practitioner: the paediatrics field needs specialists Nurse: you’ll fiind work if you specialise in theatres or ICUs Social worker: children and family services need you. Special needs teachers: qualified or not, you’re employable.

If you can calculate the odds of someone knowing what an actuary actually is, then you probably are one. Part super-hero, part fortune-teller, part trusted adviser, an actuary uses their stellar analytical skills to help organisations plan for the future and minimise risk. “You’re required to be very technically, as well as practically, minded, and it takes some time to ge qualified – the exams are very difficult,” says Andreas Tsanakas, 36, a senior lecturer in actuarial science at Cass Business School. An actuary will usually hold a maths or science degree, before studying between three to six years with the Institute and Faculty of Actuaries. Average pay: from £25,000

Science teacher

Canadian Matt Somers, 34, left Toronto with a degree in biology and a masters in Zoology, plus a bachelors in education, because there was no work for him. However, here in London, he could take his pick of teaching jobs. “I love that you can get students interested in the world around them,” says Somers, who teaches at Hatch End Academy in North Harrow. He adds: “You’re always challenged. Between 8.45am and 3.30pm, I’m essentially performing, acting, and educating, then after that you could say I’m doing my real job of assessments and preparations. The job combines elements of all other subjects – PE, literature, and maths. it’s one of the hardest subjects out there,” he says. Average pay: from £26,000 ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk for more information about the shortage occupation list in the United Kingdom.

NEXT WEEK Working at TNT Magazine

What do you do day-to-day? Organising meetings with new designers and artists for the online store, meeting hotels to discuss a modern-day answer to the mini bar. Plus, I check orders are being processed on time, distributors are meeting our discreet and luxurious packaging guidelines, and our products meet our artistic ideal. What’s the best part of your job? Collaborating with artists to develop our own niche in the market. What’s the most challenging part? Building up the confidence to leave a stable job in the City and embark on something more personal. It is a daunting journey.

HOW TO... USE

SHORTCUTS

Try these great PC keyboard shortcuts you probably didn’t even know you needed

• Undo a whole raft of capped

words by holding down shift and F3 together. You’ll be able to toggle through the settings.

• If you’ve got lots of items

open at the same time, switch between them by holding down the alt and tab keys at the same time.

• Got a file or folder that’s gone

walkabout? Hit F3 and do it all from your keyboard.

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A Once In A Lifetime Opportunity The TWO earthquakes (September 2010 - February 2011) in Christchurch, New Zealand have destroyed the inner city and caused catastrophic damage in surrounding suburbs.

The COST of rebuilding is difficult to estimate but could be more than: $ 30 - $40 billion. The “clean up” and “rebuilding” will create many 100’s or 1,000’s of new jobs. What does this mean for you?? (National & International citizens)

These tasks will generate new jobs and new opportunities. Many christchurch residents / families / workers have left Christchurch for Australia, Auckland and other parts of New Zealand - but their skills are needed in Christchurch

The new zealand government regards the “clean up” and “rebuild” as matters of urgency.

There will be a very high demand for both new skilled workers and Graduates.

Jobs will be guaranteed - written job offer BEFORE you leave your home country Immigration New Zealand (INZ) “Fast Track” of Visa Applications with employer application Contribution to travel expenses for “high value” skilled workers (may be negotiable) Accommodation & travel expenses - where appropriate for both New Zealand Based / International Clients Priority given to specific skills and qualifications that are in demand Requirements will cover a wide range but initially: Construction Workers - Carpenters - Builders Electricians -Welders - Fitters - Welders / Fabricators - IT - Telecommunications - Surveyors Estimators - Engineers - Heavy Transport Drivers - Support Staff (Admin.) - Healthcare and many more. Long Term opportunities as reconstruction is anticipated to take at least 10 to 15 years Opportunity for international clients to seek permanent residence and / or citizenship in New Zealand Great Opportunities for Graduates

A genuine opportunity of a lifetime awaits, New Zealand needs you! www.ekiwi-europe.com will be going live very soon, in the interim, please do not hesitate to contact us at: EKIWI Email: admin@ekiwi-europe.com To have your details registered with Ekiwi Group Ltd.

EKIWI Group Ltd

tntjobs.co.uk MAYBRIDGE CONSULTANTS T: 020 8857 5293 www.maybridgeconsultants.co.uk Maybridge Consultants Tax Return Service for CIS subcontractors.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Company Representatives Location: London Salary: 12,000 Basic plus benefits; expected earning £24,000+ Company Representatives wanted for dynamic professional London-based consultancy. Must be lively, personable and good with people. Full training given. Immediate start. Monique Maybridge | 020 8857 5293 | monique.maybridge@gmail.com

SOLO PLUS LTD T: 020 8778 9944 www.soloplus.net Specialists in Teacher Recruitment. Family owned business offering outstanding service catering for the needs of the individual.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Qualified Teacher Location: London Salary: £130 per day Recruiting Good/Outstanding qualified teachers for supply, long term and permanent jobs in London Primary/Secondary Schools. Solo Plus teachers have access to training to support their development and integration into the British Education system. Michelle Owen | 020 8778 9944 | michelle@solo-plus.net

THE WOOLSHED BAA & GRILL

JOB OF THE WEEK: Manager Location: Cork City, Ireland Salary: €25,000 + DOE

T: 00353 214 273000 www.woolshedbaa.com/cork/

We are looking for an Aussie Manager to front line our business with experience in managing a team, a track record in food and beverage with a flare for customer care. Please email our CV with photo to billy@mardyke.com.

We are very busy international sports bar with a flavour of the Southern Hemisphere (without the weather!!)

Billy Kirwan | 00353 863 910369 | billy@mardyke.com

Looking for your next job? NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY 42

JOBS

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TRUWORTHS MERCHANDISE PLANNER Exclusive posts in Cape Town for which only the best in the business will do! Based at our prestigious Head Office, this position will appeal to you, a skilled performer, who likes to be close to the action. Drawing on your well-honed planning skills, your role will be to develop, implement and control all aspects of merchandise planning to ensure that the right mix of merchandise reaches the right stores at the right price, right on time. Working closely with our fashion buyers and suppliers, you have the ability to drive sales opportunities in response to customer demands, maximising profits and bottom line. Your two years in a Planning role (preferably with a retailer); combined with your numerate tertiary qualification and impressive track record of being a high achieving individual will certainly play in your favour. The ability to influence, your high energy levels, business savvy, strategic approach and raw ambition will land you this dream job.

Follow your passion. Realise your potential. Join our team. Act now. Forward your CV to Ashley on abevan@truworths.co.za

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tntjobs.co.uk SILVERBACK EVENTS T: 0844 5617939 07595 021939 www.silverbackuk.com Silverback is a provider of premium support crew to production and AV companies within the event sector.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Crew Member Location: London Salary: £8.00 -15.00 per hour Silverback is looking for fit, intelligent, good communicators who can take direction from senior crewmen and clients. You need good social skills and impeccable punctuality and be prepared to work long & sometimes unsocial hours. Typical Duties: Loading / Unloading of vehicles, Rigging of AV equipment, Setting up and dismantling stage and set, Ensuring health & safety requirements are met, Liaising with clients in a professional manner. jason@silverbackuk.com - 07712 829348

TUTTONS LTD

JOB OF THE WEEK: Now Recruiting for All Positions

T: 020 7836 4141 www.tuttons.com

Cocktail Bartenders, Waiters, Hosts, Runners, All levels of Chefs

Set in the heart of Covent Garden with alfresco dining, stylish cocktail bar, and private dining available, Tuttons serves over 4500 guests a week.

Tuttons Brasserie is re-opening in June after a £1 million transformation! Tuttons offers the opportunity to work in a dynamic team in a growing company. The ideal candidates for this position should be charismatic, friendly and responsive, as well as being motivated, dedicated and committed.

Location: The Piazza, Covent Garden Salary: £7-£9.50ph + tips

e mail CV: FOH: pedro.nunes@cgrestaurants.com | Kitchen” alan.southwell@cgrestaurants.com

GALLOWGLASS T: 0845 300 2468 www.gallowglass.co.uk Gallowglass is UKs leading crewing company to the sporting and events industry, working for TV, theatre, film and outdoor production companies.

CRINAN HOTEL

JOB OF THE WEEK: Location: London Salary: £8 - £11 per hour + skills payments Gallowglass is involved in many aspects of the 2012 Games as well as our on-going work, and has vacancies for friendly, enthusiastic and outgoing people to join our crew. You will need to be physically fit, have excellent spoken English, be adaptable, happy to work anti-social hours and have a can-do attitude. CV to hr@gallowglass.co.uk or fill in our on line form at www.gallowglass.co.uk

T: 01546 830 261 www.crinanhotel.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Sous Chef/Bar Person/ Waiter Location: Crinan Argyll, Scotland, Westcoast Salary: On Application

Crinan Hotel is a 20 bedroom 4 star family run hotel in Argyll with two restaurants and a coffee shop.

Work for the summer in one of the most beautiful spots in Scotland. Positions are available for immediate start. Only persons with previous experience need apply. Five and a half day working week. Must be eligible to work in the UK. CV to reservations@crinanhotel.com

T: 020 3239 8317 www.innu-science.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Training & Mobilisation Supervisor/ Manager Location: Mobile based position for Greater London Salary: £18k - £30k dependent on experience

We are the world leaders in biological based cleaning products, looking for dynamic people to service our contract cleaning customers.

Training customers and their cleaning staff on the use of our biological cleaning products. Implementing new sites at all hours. Experience in the cleaning industry, hospitality cleaning or facilities management a must. Mobile position.

INNU-SCIENCE

Nick Winstone | 020 3239 8317 | info@Innu-Science.co.uk

NEXT LEVEL PHARMA T: +421-232-662-621 www.nextlevelpharma.com We organise conferences across Europe & The USA, that provide business intelligence and networking opportunities for the global pharmaceutical industry.

JOB OF THE WEEK: International Sales Executive (junior) Location: Bratislava, Slovak Republic Salary: Basic + commission (€2000-2500+ monthly) Make telephone contact with senior pharmaceutical executives, worldwide and promote/ sell attendance to our exciting industry events, to meet other industry peers and learn about the latest developments in a dynamic, knowledge intensive industry. Geoff Cable, CEO | +421-232-662-621 | geoff.cable@nextlevelpharma.com

Looking for your next job? NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY To advertise your job of the week contact Matt Syder | 020 7989 0491 | matt.syder@tntmagazine.com

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JOBS JOBS 18/5/12 14:31:23

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CASH SAVING TIPS

LIFESTYLEMONEY

HOW YOU SPEND IT!

CHEAP TRAIN FARES Xxxxxxxxx Lazy and up for a bargain on transport? Sign up XXXXXXXXX to The Train Line’s ticket Xxxxxxxxxxx alert service to be the first to know about cheap XXXXXXXXX train tickets – and you’ll Xxxxxxxxxxx get fares for your usual journeys straight to your XXXXXXXXX inbox, without lifting Xxxxxxxxxxx a finger. thetrainline.com XXXXXXXXX

Photos: Getty

SHOP UP A STORM Xxxxxxxxxxx Still looking to beef up your spring wardrobe? It’s not too late to bag a bargain at Debenhams. Its Blue Cross sale is knocking up to 70 per cent off clothing, accessories, homeware, beauty and perfume. If you shop online, the department store delivers, and picks up returns, for free. debenhams.com

especially at lunch. I have been using a slow cooker to throw food in at night and it’s ready to go to lunch in the morning.

ALEX MOORE, 31 JOB Actor/teacher FROM Missouri, US LIVES Acton Town How do you budget? I see what bills need to be paid first, then put a set

Any money-saving tips? Cut down on eating out,

What non-essential items do you spend money on? Random stuff on eBay, coffee, burritos, junk food.

HOW THEY SPEND IT! Creating a spectacle Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Ball world tour kicked off a week ago. Let’s hope she’s learned from the last time, when she racked up a £1.82m debt on stage outfits

SAMPLE SOME OF THIS Trendy east London womenswear label Oh My Love is holding its first sample sale of the season, every day until May 27. Many of its garments, seen in Topshop and at ASOS, will be discounted by up to 75 per cent – some for as little as £5. Find it at Old Truman Brewery. ohmylove.co.uk FINLAND /74 FESTIVALS /80

amount into savings and then have a certain amount for spending during the month. What I don’t spend from that, I put into saving.

Last big blow-out? I’m going to LA and Vegas for a week in June for my stag party. Flights and hotel have been a £1000. Also, I am getting married in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, so flights there cost £1000 as well. Any savings are going towards the wedding.

❚ Girls Aloud spent £3m to stage their Tangled Up tour in 2008, forking out a staggering £250,000 on pyrotechnics alone. Let’s hope the people in charge weren’t French. ❚ U2’s 360˚ tour in 2009

Gaga likes to splurge on sets

cost the band a whopping £467,000 per day. We wonder how much of that went on Bono’s diva demands involving his hat...

❚ The Wall Live tour, by Roger Walters of Pink Floyd, was dubbed one of the most ambitious and complex rock shows ever staged, costing £37m in total.

❚ London Olympics 2012’s big spectacles – the opening and closing ceremonies, where acts like Adele and Blur are booked to play – will cost a mega £6.75m per hour to stage.

Front of House Waiting Staff Westfield, Stratford City £8.60 ph - £10.45 ph Absolute Taste provides the finest hospitality for the VIP guests of the Vodafone McLaren Mercedes Formula 1 team and has a reputation for excellent food, exciting party design and professional staff. We recently won an exciting contract to be the official caterer of Westfield Stratford during the Olympic games. We are currently recruiting highly experienced staff to work with us on this exciting project this summer. The pay will be £8.60 during the off peak period and £10.45 during the peak period.

If you have fantastic customer service skills and are immaculately presented then send your CV and picture to staffing@absolutetaste.com

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Outlandish Creation Cock shakers Gives new meaning to ‘shake the snake’ illicittouch.

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£29

Smell the roses The Chelsea Flower Show 2012 is set to be a blooming marvel WORDS REBECCA KENT

Royal Remote Watch the jubilee proceedings in jingoistic style argos.co.uk

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£43

You don’t have to have green fingers and spend your weekends tending to your garden to appreciate the skill on display at the Chelsea Flower Show. Thousands will descend on the six-day festival between May 22-26, to witness the spectacular flora and fauna vying for the judges’ attention. In a huge nod to the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee and the Olympics, there will be more than a hint of patriotism running throughout the displays. Flying the flag for Down Under will be Jason Hodges, fresh of the set of TV’s Better Homes And Gardens, and the landscaper is promising to wow Londoners with his take on a Sydney backyard.

Model garden: one of last year’s displays hometown, Willoughby, on Sydney’s north shore, with pergola beams clad in fence palings, a pavilion with a barbecue and pizza oven, pillars clad in recycled corrugated iron, and a rear garden wall made of sandstone, constructed at an angle reminiscent of the piers of the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Of course, there’s plenty of lawn, too. “I always say I learned more standing at the barbecue with dad than I did at school, so there’s a lot of fire in my garden,” Hodges says. “You can sit at a fire and speak your mind. When you go camping, the highlight is sitting by a fire, with a guitar, with loved ones. Even when everyone’s gone to bed you

Down Under dreaming Knife rest Mind your fingers – and thumbs! culturelabel.com

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Union Jack egg cosies Give your hard boileds a makeover brandalley.co.uk

The iconic Australian backyard is wilting in the face of over-development, but Hodges, with his working-class roots and an invigorating Aussie bluster, has bowled into London to champion a place that defined every Australian’s childhood. His show entry, The Trailfinders Australian Garden, features a lemon tree, a fire, and a pizza oven as the main elements, has already been subjected to much hype. “I feel like I’ve already won,” the 39year-old says. “My theory is I’ve got the gold medal because they accepted my design. It can only go wrong now on account of skills and the weather, and I’ve got a great team – I just picked my mates. There’s not much I can do about the weather.” The garden pays homage to Hodges’

Jason Hodges can dream by a fire – without sounding like a pyro. I call it nature’s therapy.” The pizza oven reflects Australia’s multiculturalism, he says. “I grew up around a lot of Greeks, and with Italian neighbours. They all had a pizza oven, so in every house

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FAST FACTS

RHS Glamourlands: a masterpiece

❀ The Royal Horticultural Society’s first Great Spring Show was held in 1862 at the RHS garden in Kensington. ❀ Not even the first half of World War I could halt the show. However, it was cancelled in 1917 and 1918. ❀ There are 250,000 flowering species of plant out there. Only 85 per cent have been catalogued.

I own I always build a pizza oven. Everyone gets a kick out of making pizza, so it really is a great communal feature.” Hodges is only the eighth Australian involved in the Chelsea Flower Show’s 99year history, and even if his garden doesn’t win, at least he has given homesick Aussies a taste of home, however fleeting. “When I was growing up, all I wanted was a ute and a dog, and not to have a boss, so I’m pretty happy with my lot.”

Photos: Jon Enoch

Enter a virtual world RHS Glamourlands: A Techno Folly is a dynamic, abstract spectacle designed to represent the Dorset coast. The installation, within a mirrored industrial steel chamber, combines moving animation, a computergame soundscape, and abstract structures covered in sparkling jewels. There are also gnarled, wind-blown pines, and partially laminated plants to give the impression of being both alive and preserved. Behind the concept are Tony Heywood and Alison Condie, who live in Paddington, and are otherwise responsible for beautifying many of London’s leafy squares. “I want to take people into another dimension, the way gaming devices do,” Heywood says. “We are all living in highly exaggerated and intensely bright atmospheres, getting lost in TV and computer games, and I want people to walk in here and equally lose themselves.” Capability Brown, the heralded 18thcentury English landscaper would be turning

in his grave, Heywood reckons. “This notion of reflecting the untouched, wild aspect of nature in our gardens challenges the expectation that a garden has to have that romantic aesthetic, woodland and roses.”

Emotions explored Hodges has set the bar high in the new Fresh Gardens category and, as a result, the field is packed with creations of boundaryshifting horticultural proportions. The Easigrass Garden is a verdant metaphor for jealousy and desire, with a cage at the centre to represent the feeling of entrapment when the green-eyed monster strikes. Delve inside and you are confronted with a jungle of green Perspex rods, artificial grass, and white orchids, surrounded by ferns emerging from a carpet of white Sutera.

Embracing technology Have your phone at the ready: gardening has just entered the cool kids’ world. In this garden, a wall of vertical planting has been meticulously constructed to form a QR code, so when you scan it with a smartphone, you are directed to a website that tells you more about the creation. This is a bold design from Scotscape Ltd and Treebox Ltd, and is the first time the show has dabbled with such technology. Moving on up, kids!

❀ Some 160,000 people attend the show each year – a number limited only by the capacity of the 45,000 sq m (11-acre) ground. All tickets are pre-booked. ❀ The oldest known flower, Archaefructus sinensis, dates back 12.5 million years. Discovered in China, it is thought to have grown in the shallow lakes at the time of the dinosaurs. ❀ It will take about 2500 man hours over 17 days to build the Trailfinders Australian Garden this year, with 38 tonnes of tools, equipment and materials sent from Australia. ❀ In 2011, Diarmuid Gavin’s Irish Sky Garden (below) was the first at Chelsea to be suspended in the air.

The Chelsea Flower Show is May 22-26. From £22 Royal Hospital Chelsea, Royal Hospital Road, SW3 4SR sloane Square rhs.org.uk

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WORLDVIEW

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‘Aw, rats’

BANKSY ART DESTOYED AUSTRALIA Brit Art-ster Banksy has discovered that it’s third time unlucky, with another of his works destroyed in Melbourne. The Parachuting Rat becomes the third of his pieces to be trashed in the city, this time accidentally by builders carrying out drilling work for a cafe in the city. “It’d not a big piece,” said the owner of an adjacent business, “but it is one of the few remaining Banksys in Melbourne. This should have been avoided.” Despite being loved all over the world, the artist, whose realname is unknown, appears not to be so popular Down Under. A work of his was vandalised last year in the same city, with council workers painting over another the year before. • Opinion: page 49

TWEETS OF THE WEEK @artistotlesNZ: My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark. @meganamram: I recently adopted a highway, since I am unfortunately unable to have a biological highway @DamienFahey: When someone tells me about a book they’ve read, I pretentiously say, “Oh, I don’t even own a book.”

CLEANER ‘CAUGHT IN THE ACT’ BY TV SHOW NEW ZEALAND A cleaner caught red, err, handed by consumer affairs TV show Target pleasuring himself in the home he was supposed to be cleaning has been granted anonymity by a judge. The show captured the lewd cleaner rifling through drawers and sniffing 48

Spaced out: International Space Station (ISS) crew members Sergei Revin, Joseph Acaba and Gennady Padalka wave goodbye as they board the Soyuz TMA-04M spacecraft in preparation for a stint hanging out on the ISS. Do they realise the gravity of the situation? underwear before taking a very special tea break of his own, in which he treated himself to a sly-and-naughty off-the-wrist. The footage was handed in to the police due to its “extreme nature” and the man in question has been bailed, due to reappear at court next month. He was sacked from his cleaning job, presumably because he’s better at making a mess than clearing one up.

JAY-Z TO DUET WITH BARACK OBAMA USA Being the biggest rapper in the world is not enough for Jay-Z (sorry Kanye) – he has decided to curate his own US music festival. And as well as getting the biggest artists in the world on the

bill, he wants none other than US president Barack Obama to perform with him, too. Jay-Z wants Obama to appear at his Made In America festival in Philidelphia this September, and has sugggested he do an Al Green cover, after Obama’s rendition of the soul singer’s Let’s Stay Together earlier this year. “He’ll be so far into helping the world that he probably won’t have time,” Mr Beyonce says of his chances of snagging the world’s most powerful man, “but I’m absolutely going to ask him.”

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 1.3 Ask me about the hoverboards one more time, I dare you!

BIFF’S TIRED OF ALL YOUR QUESTIONS

Page 3 in The Sun – 40,000 years ago

USA Back To The Future’s Biff Tannen, also known as actor Tom Wilson, is so tired of people asking him about his time on the film series that he carries a postcard filled with trivia to sate pestering fans. Wilson says on his longwinded, but very polite, business card that Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd are both “nice” but that he does not have any contact with them now; that he coined the term “make like a tree and get out of here”; and that the third film was his favourite as he got to learn western skills, which was “a great adventure for a guy from Philadelphia”. Wilson currently performs music and comedy, and even plays a song about his time-travelling past, particularly those who will not stop bugging him about it.

ARMED ROBBER GETS AWAY – ON PUSH BIKE

Photos: Gety

AUSTRALIA A robber in Morphettsville ran into a post office armed with a gun, his face hidden behind a motorcyle helmet – but then made his getaway on a pedal-powered push bike. The young man brandished a weapon and theatened staff before hightailing it with what has been described as only “a small amount of cash” on his bike. Despite his speedy getaway being limited, though, to what he could muster under his own steam, the criminal – who either can’t afford a motorbike, doesn’t know how to hotwire one, or doesn’t have his provisional licence yet – made his getaway unscathed.

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Millions of dollars Rudy Kurniawan made passing off cheap plonk as vintage wine, fooling many industry experts

Combined age in years of Beryl and Betty, Sony Radio Award winners last week for best entertainment show

176

Number of sheep found eviscerated in west Wales, the culprit suspected as being the famed ‘Beast of Bont’

Range in metres of the 1000xi, a sonic device that emits pain-inducing tones. It may be used if needed during the Games

3000

OLDEST CAVE PORN ETCHING UNCOVERED FRANCE It seems as though ancient cavemen were just as obsessed with sex as we are today. A wall engraving, thought to be the world’s oldest at about 37,000 years, is claimed to depict female genitalia – making it perhaps the world’s original pornographic image. The etching is from Abri Castanet, a shallow cave in southern France’s Vezere Valley, which is thought to have been inhabited nearly 40,000 years ago. Apparently, there’s a long history of artworks of vaginas across ancient sites in France. But Harold Dibble, an archaeologist at the University of Pennsylvania, told website Science that the idea of the images depicting female genitals may “tell us more about the people making those interpretations”. Surely, if you were spending all your time crawling through dusty old caves, you’d be hungerng after a bit of porn yourself, wouldn’t you?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK Do you wanna go there publicly. Think you should have a look in that vast closet of skeltons before responding. Now back under your stone you odious little toad Queens Park Rangers captain Joey Barton lashes out on Twitter at BBC Match Of The Day host Gary Lineker following his comments about Barton’s red card and behaviour in QPR’s season-closing clash with Manchester City

18/5/12 12:12:15

tntjobs.co.uk MAPS OF LONDON T: 020 8342 8525 www.maps-of-london.co.uk

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In the heart of London’s St. James’s and with over 2500 members, this private members club offers home from home with top quality dining, and bedroom accommodation.

As first point of contact you will be greeting and directing Club members and their guests so personality and customer service skills are key. You will also be answering the phone, monitoring security and giving information.

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JOB OF THE WEEK: Graphic Designer Location: Fethiye, Turkey Salary: Negotiable

T: +90 252 612 5423 www.alaturkacruises.com Alaturka has been operating blue cruises along the turquoise coast & bus tours to all corners of Turkey since 2004

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You will be responsible for: The development of advertising campaigns, both traditional and digital - Producing marketing material to be used at trade events - Liaising with publishing houses - Working closely with our webmaster to produce effective online advertising Andrew | +90 252 612 5423 | andrew@alaturkaturkey.com

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TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: JAHN VANNISSELROY jahn.vannisselroy@tntmagazine.com

Lloyd’s HQ and (inset)The ‘F*cking Travel’ girl and the Time cover image

There’s worse to worry about than expletives and breasts

Photos: YouTube; Facebook

Who’s guiding the people whose actions ensure a struggle for the rest of us? Two stories on tntmagazine.com last week stirred up the brigade of people who know how best to raise other people’s kids. One was the now-infamous Time magazine cover, featuring a woman breastfeeding her three-year-old: the other a little girl uttering her first swearword on YouTube (search: ‘F*cking Travel’). Both were met with the invective you’d expect, the sort of narrow-minded comments from people about how ‘if it was my kid, there’s no way they’d be doing that. They’d be a non-thinking, kneejerk robotic clone like me’. There were even some internet idiots suggesting both sets of parents be immediately signed up for David Cameron’s Can Parent classes, which, for £100, teach adults how to look after their offspring. Surely not. A child should be allowed some indulgences in life, although when it continues to the level of Little Britain’s Harvey (‘bitty’) or Liam Gallagher (fook man, me fooken jackets are the fooken world’s best fooken thing ever, man), you know something may have gone wrong. Sometimes, in later life, the heads of corporations can assume a parental role. Your boss may be there to guide you, to give you an example of how to navigate life in the workplace. A failure in this department last week allowed a group of Lloyds wankers bankers to be sent to a £1000 health spa course to be schooled in ‘physique management’, the skills needed to be ‘alpha males and females’ and even anti-ageing methods. It’s this ‘poor parenting’ that the internet idiots need to aim their comment-box hatred at. While the country stares at a double-dip recession, the very indulged ignoramuses who put it there are off for a pedicure and the sort of training that, arguably, should happen at home. So worry not about the children raised in more liberal households. Nay, train your lasers at the repressed, conservative ones, with their self-absorption and entitlement issues. A toddler may have sworn on YouTube and Time may have shown a little breast on it’s cover, but the bankers are the real fuck-ups and tits here, and remain far more dangerous. » Agree or disagree? How should parents raise their kids? letters@tntmagazine.com

MATTERS OF THE ART BOTHER PRAHRAN Another Banksy has been ‘destroyed’ in Melbourne. Or rather, another piece of stencilled street art has been ignored when some building maintenance needed to be done. The community of Prahran is traumatised that its ‘parachuting rat’ is gone, but seems ignorant of the fact street art has a limited lifespan. The very nature of it being outdoors means it’s susceptible to weather, animals, vandals and builders. It’s not meant to last. Enjoy it while it’s here, get its message, take some photos, but be prepared for it to disappear as quickly as it arrived. Even the great man himself adopts

“

Enjoy it while it’s here. It’s not meant to last

”

a ‘such is life’ attitude to his pieces, more than aware of his artform’s susceptibilities. Prahran was once Melbourne’s grunge precinct and, by all accounts, figured it was pretty cool. Grunge ended, but then they had their Banksy. Now the Banksy’s gone, but grunge is back. Chill, Prahran, and just roll with it. Nothing is forever. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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The Kennedy Curse Mary Richardson Kennedy’s death reignites debate over the family’s tragic history WORDS OLI JONES Mary Richardson Kennedy, wife of Robert F Kennedy Jr, son of Bobby, was last week found dead at her apartment in New York, after an apparent suicide. Predictably, she has been cited as the latest victim of the Kennedy Curse, the name given to an improbable number of tragedies that have befallen the family. The popular notion of the Kennedy Curse is one of a string of conspiracy theories that surround the family, from the well-worn and various JFK assassination plots to the more outlandish ideas: the Kennedys are actually Russian Tsars. Plenty of people, from authors to journalists to pyschics, have speculated as to the source of the disproportionate number of tragedies to hit the family. While newspapers love to scream “Kennedy Curse” from their front pages, the suggestion that the hex itself became a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy has gained traction in online forums, with many people citing the the family’s seemingly innate testosteronedriven joie’ d’vivre as the source for many of the accidents and incidents. Read on and decide for yourself.

1941: Rose Kennedy In 1941, Rosemary Kennedy, sister of JFK, underwent a lobotomy ordered by her father Joseph Kennedy, following what is believed to have been bouts of depression. The surgery, then in its infancy, left the 23-year-old with the mental age of a five-year-old. In need of permanent care, Rosemary lived institutionalised until she died in 2005.

1944: Joseph Kennedy Jr Rose’s brother, Joseph Kennedy Jr, died three years later after his plane exploded over Suffolk during WWII. The eldest of Joseph Kennedy Sr’s children had been earmarked for political office due to his father, an ambassador, resigning after making remarks supporting German appeasement. Joseph 52

Kennedy Jr was posthumously awarded the Navy Cross and the Air Medal.

1948: Kathleen Kennedy Joseph Jr’s sister, Kathleen Kennedy, a noted London socialite married William Cavendish, a member of the British royal family, despite the protests of her family because of his Anglicanism. However, the couple died in a plane crash in Southern France in 1948.

1956, 1963: John F. Kennedy In 1956, JFK and Jackie Kennedy’s first child was stillborn. The couple’s fourth child, Patrick Kennedy, died two days after his birth 1963, just three months before JFK, then President of the United States, was assassinated in Arlington, Texas. According to a 2009 poll only 10 per cent of Americans believe Kennedy’s killer, Lee Harvey Oswald, acted alone.

1964: Ted Kennedy A year later Edward ‘Ted’ Kennedy, the youngest brother of JFK, almost died after a plane crash, which killed the pilot and a close aide, left him with a broken back, punctured lung and internal bleeding. Ted went on to become one of the longest-serving senators in US history.

1965: Bobby Kennedy JFK’s brother Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in 1968 during the Democrat Party presidential primaries, which he was favourite to win. He was a strong supporter of black civil rights and the abolition of the death penalty. Kennedy had just delivered a speech at the Ambassador Hotel after winning the California democrat nomination when he was shot while walking through the kitchen of the hotel by Sirhan Sirhan, a Jordanian who later said he felt betrayed by Kennedy for his support of Israel during the Six Day War.

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John F Kennedy and Jacqueline

Mary Richardson Kennedy, wife of Robert F Kennedy Jr, who was found dead at her home aged 52

Rosemary Kennedy before her lobotomy

1966: Ted Kennedy A year later, the Chappaquiddick incident saw Ted Kennedy accidentally drive his car off a bridge in Massachusetts. While he managed to escape, the car’s other occupant Mary Jo Kopechen was killed after becoming trapped. Kennedy didn’t report the incident, and only came forward the next day after the car was discovered. He recieved a suspended prison sentence for leaving the scene of an accident. In a televised statement the next day, Ted Kennedy became the first person to acknowledge the idea of a Kennedy Curse, saying: “I wonder whether some awful curse did actually hang over all the Kennedys.”

1970, 1981: Joseph P Kennedy II and David Kennedy Joseph P Kennedy II, son of Bobby Kennedy, was driving a Jeep which crashed leaving the car’s passenger Pamela Kelly, his brother David’s girlfriend, permanently paralysed. Four years later David, a high-flying journalist known for his womanising, (another noted Kennedy family habit) was found dead following a drugs overdose in his hotel room.

1997: Michael Kennedy In 1997, Bobby and Ethel Kennedy’s sixth son, Michael, who ran his brother Joe’s Citizens Energy Corporation, died after he hit a tree playing American football while on skis. Yes, you read that right. Go figure.

Photos: Getty

1999: John F Kennedy Jr and Carolyn Kennedy Successful publishing executive JFK Jr and his wife Carolyn died en route to the wedding of his cousin Rory, Bobby Kennedy’s youngest daughter, after the light airplane John was piloting came down in the Atlantic ocean. He had not been qualified to fly the plane ”by instruments only”. His overconfidence, a Kennedy family trait, while a factor in his, and their, success, may ultimately be their curse.

THAT MOVIE WAS KILLER! ATUK CLAIMS SIX LIVES Perhaps even more perplexing is the curse of ATUK. The film tells the seemingly benign story of an overweight eskimo who dreams of going to New York City, hardly classic curse territory. But the number of deaths linked to the film is staggering. First, John Belushi, who was preparing for the lead role in the film was found dead from a speedball overdose in 1982 and then Sam Kinison, to whom the script was passed, died in a car crash in 1988. Micheal O’Donoghue, a friend of both men, who read the script, died of a brain hemorrhage later that year. In 1994, John Candy died while reading the script, before it was passed to Chris Farely (above), who died of a cocaine overdose in 1997. Farely had shared it with his friend, actor Phil Hartman who was murdered by his wife before she committed suicide in 1998. Sure, all of them were massively overweight with histories of cocaine abuse, but it sure is creepy.

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SPORTNEWS LEGEND LIVES ON IN SPIRIT

@tntmagazine

Got him: a Vanuatu local plays cricket during an ICC Cricket development programnme clinic in Port Villa. Vanuatu hopes to compete on the T20 scene during the next decade

AFL Jim Stynes will be honoured annually by the AFL with a new player award to be named after him and presented on Brownlow Medal night. The Jim Stynes Community Leadership Award will pay tribute to the late Melbourne great’s tireless charity work. It will be awarded to the player judged to have made the most outstanding contribution to the community. Stynes died in March after a long battle with cancer. He was heavily involved in community work, setting up The Reach Foundation to work with young people. Stynes won the Brownlow Medal for the league’s fairest and best player in 1991.

BARTY, HEWITT WILDCARDS IN PARIS TENNIS Australian teenager Ashleigh Barty will be the youngest player in the women’s French Open draw after gaining a wildcard into the claycourt major. Barty only turned 16 three weeks ago. She won the Wimbledon junior crown last year, aged 15, and qualified for the Australian Open main draw in January, The world No.327 will join Lleyton Hewitt as Australia’s two wildcard recipients. Fellow Aussies Samantha Stosur, Jarmila Gajdosova, Casey Dellacqua, Anastasia Rodionova, Bernard Tomic and Matt Ebdenwill will also compete in Paris.

‘IS THIS LEAGUE … OR FOOTBALL?’ RUGBY LEAGUE Melbourne coach Craig Bellamy has appealed to NRL players to stop staying down and milking penalties for headhigh contact, saying it causes too many breaks in the game. “If they have to think about staying down, well they’re not that badly hurt,” Bellamy said. “When they cop one and they don’t know where they’re at, that’s when they don’t get up. “It’s just a matter of us, or the players, trusting the officials and getting on with it. “Milking is a really bad look.” 54

ASHES TO ASHES Worried about losing in 2013?

www.pssremovals.com

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Fernand Alonso at Monaco last year

QUOTES OF THE WEEK I now hope the Arsenal fans can get on with their lives. They should celebrate their third place and I will focus on winning titles Former Arsenal and now Manchester City player Samir Nasri can expect an even warmer reception at the Emirates next season

PREVIEW Formula 1’s glamour event MONACO GRAND PRIX SUNDAY, 12PM. BBC ONE Formula 1 just keeps getting better this season. Five winners in five races, with the latest man on the podium, Barcelona winner Pastor Maldonado, not even a household name in his home town in Venezuela. Lewis Hamilton is the bookies’ favourite to become the sixth winner this year, in the calendar’s glamour event at Monaco. Hamilton would have had pole in Barcelona, had he not been penalised for a fuel mishap, and fought back from the back

of the grid to claim eighth place – perhaps vanquishing the myth that he is too hard on his tyres, given his two-stop strategy. Monaco is a great race, with narrow streets and tight corners. Here, without too many overtaking opportunities, qualification is key. Expect a big race from Ferrari’s Felippe Massa, who is under pressure to gain some glory after constant poor showings. And in a nice touch, McLaren have offered their assistance as Williams attempt to rebuild after the garage fire that damaged much of the team’s equipment following Maldonado’s win in Spain.

THE CHAT | The John Terry effect

Photos: Getty

Huddersfield Giants coach Nathan Brown says English rugby league should only select Englishmen for its national side

Blue clay is only fit for smurfs to play on Rafael Nadal remains unimpressed with the coloured clay used at the Madrid Masters tennis tournament

TV HIGHLIGHTS CRICKET

Ferdinand was dropped from the England Q Rio Euros squad, presumably because he couldn’t work with John Terry. Bad news for England? would have found it impossible to share A Ferdinand a dressing room with Terry, given that allegations of racial abuse towards Ferdinand’s brother, Anton, still hover over the Chelsea captain. Many England players remain unhappy with Terry and are rumoured to have cold-shouldered him in recent friendlies against Sweden and Spain. Others were planning not to shake his hand when United visited Chelsea in February, but Terry was injured. Terry’s ally Ashley Cole has been told some players detest his mate, but will do their best for their country. The reality is that Terry is still a great player and Ferdinand, who has struggled with fitness, would have divided the squad further.

Rangi Chase is a good bloke but he says ‘bro’ and has got Maori tattoos. He is a Kiwi, he’s not English

England v West Indies Day five of the first Test Monday, 10.30am. Sky Sports 1

RUGBY LEAGUE State of Origin Can the Blues get up? Wednesday, 10.30am. Sky Sports 1

ENDURANCE SPORT Australian Ironman Black mark: Terry

Round 2 of the gruelling competition Tuesday, 12pm. Sky Sports 3 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

Should he or shouldn’t he? Liam Jurrah

COMMENT: TOM STURROCK tom.sturrock@tntmagazine.com

Black and white standards leave AFL in a hard position

Return of indigenous player charged with assault is a delicate issue

» Agree or disagree? Should Jurrah be allowed to play? letters@tntmagazine.com 56

Fabio Capello ended his stint as England manager with his ambitions unfulfilled, but his experience makes him the perfect candidate for Chelsea. When it comes to the national team, the English press and football public are notoriously hot and cold. Each campaign follows a similar pattern – emphatic wins in the qualifying stage foster inflated expectations, which are then cruelly dashed on the big stage, precipitating a frenzy of hand-wringing and recrimination. For England, there is no middle ground. The England manager must deal with these wildly unrealistic ambitions and the

“

For England, there is no middle ground

”

fickleness of his employers and supporters – not to mention a powerful dressing room where one superstar’s pique can cause a crisis. Yet, for as long as Roman Abramovich is in charge at Stamford Bridge, these will be occupational hazards for any Chelsea manager as well. So go to it, Fabio. You’ve done your time.

Photos: Getty

On the weekend, the AFL’s Indigenous Round continued the code’s impressive commitment to celebrating the contribution made by the game’s Aboriginal players. But the return of Melbourne’s Liam Jurrah, who currently faces serious assault charges, raises some uncomfortable questions. Jurrah, known as the Warlpiri Wizard, comes from a remote community in central South Australia and, earlier this year, was allegedly involved in a machete attack in Alice Springs. He faces six charges arising from the brawl, the latest outbreak of violence in an ongoing tribal feud. If convicted, Jurrah could face a 14-year jail sentence. Yet the Demons remain steadfastly supportive and the AFL, equally, took no issue with Jurrah’s selection. In many respects, the AFL has been ahead of the curve on indigenous issues. Players suffered abuse for years, but the AFL, since resolving to confront the issue of vilification, has sent the message, relentlessly, that there is no room for racism. However, in being wedded to that noble agenda, in its attachment to ‘cultural sensitivity’ credentials, the AFL may have pulled the wrong rein on Jurrah, exposing itself to a charge of double standards. Two years ago, St Kilda sacked Andrew Lovett, another indigenous player, after he was charged with rape and the AFL didn’t bat an eyelid. Lovett was subsequently acquitted but his career was over. Why, when Lovett was hung out to dry, is Jurrah free to play on? Would a white player charged with Jurrah’s crime be afforded the same ‘understanding’? Jurrah is, of course, entitled to the presumption of innocence but there is, in the AFL’s willingness to let Jurrah play, a dog-whistle that, “sometimes Aboriginals have violent turf wars – we need to be understanding of that”. By soft-peddling on Jurrah, the AFL risks endorsing the view that indigenous players should sometimes be held to a lower standard of behaviour; that, for indigenous players, crime may be mitigated by culture. It is a condescending, backward assumption, one which jars against the AFL’s admirable work.

CAPELLO HAS THE CV FOR CHELSEA

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Summer holiday getaways with your little monsters...

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The best of the best It’s State of Origin time again. We profile the best ever players WORDS TOM STURROCK

Australia’s State of Origin series is a rare breed in the world of pro sport – its visceral appeal a mystery to outsiders. After all, how can two blokes, two mates, who play for the same club side team each week, want to absolutely pulverise each other when donning the colours of their states? The enduring fascination undoubtedly owes much to the time-honoured enmity between Queensland and New South Wales, to the history of the best of the north being lured south by the big money on offer. The Maroons love nothing more than sticking it up the Blues, as they have done for the past six series. This is the backdrop for a sporting event so steeped in mythology that, in the past, players have come to be defined as much by their performances for their states as for their clubs. So, as Origin 2012 kicks off this week, we examine the legends of this remarkable sporting tradition.

STEVE MORTIMER, NSW The famous Bulldogs halfback was captain for the first NSW series victory in 1985 after the fired-up Maroons had claimed the first five instalments. Mortimer is regarded as one of NSW’s Origin trailblazers and the image of him, in his fifth and final Origin series, punching the ground in relief after victory, remains an enduring symbol of Origin’s importance.

ARTHUR BEETSON, QLD Before the first Origin series in 1980, some doubters questioned the players’ commitment to the concept. That scepticism was blown away when Queensland captain Beetson belted the lights out of Parramatta teammate Mick Cronin, who was playing for New South Wales. Beetson and Cronin sat next to each other on the plane home and no one ever again questioned whether Origin was fair dinkum. Beetson died last year, aged 66, and the Maroons have promised to use his memory as a spur in this series. 58

CAMERON SMITH, QLD Melbourne Storm’s star hooker has won the award as Queensland’s best player three times since forcing his way into the side in 2005. Smith strung together 19 consecutive Origin matches before succumbing to an elbow injury in 2010. Queensland’s current dominance may be built on their all-star backline, but Smith’s hard graft and consistent excellencce in the front row should never be underestimated. He will now captain his state following the retirement of Darren Lockyer.

GREG INGLIS, QLD Inglis’s decision to don a Maroons jersey is destined to remain a sore point – he was, after all, born and raised in New South Wales. Despite being picked arguably out of position in the first matches of his Origin career, Inglis has still managed to cross for 12 tries in his 16 matches, equal with Dale Shearer who scored 12 tries in 26 matches. Inglis will surely make the record his own this year.

DARREN LOCKYER, QLD Regarded as his state’s greatest fullback, Queensland’s great stalwart played his final Origin campaign in 2011, finishing a record 36-match Queensland career. He captained in 22 State of Origin Games (second only to Wally Lewis with 30) and proved an inspirational leader, a tough, uncomprimisng but skilful player who built the platform for what has been arguably the most successful Queensland team ever.

MAL MENINGA, QLD The legendary goal-kicking centre starred for Queensland over a 15-year career – the same bulldozing runs that marked Meninga as one of the all-time great league players were just as evident in Origin. And, incidentally, the Maroons are

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Clockwise: Greg Inglis; Wally Lewis; Brad Fittler

undefeated over a series since Meninga took over as coach in 2006, cementing his place in the Queensland pantheon.

BRAD FITTLER, NSW He remains the Blues’ most capped player, having made 31 appearances – 14 as captain – and his contribution is reflected in the fact that the medal for NSW’s best player each year bears his name. As one of the most athletic fiveeighths in the game’s history, Fittler produced some of his finest performances in the cauldron of Origin.

ALLAN LANGER, QLD The Little General remains Queensland’s most capped player and became the oldest player in an Origin series when, in 2001, he returned from England to play in the deciding match at age 35. Many doubted his ability, but he starred, guiding the Maroons to victory. An automatic selection in Queensland’s Team of the Century.

ANDREW JOHNS, NSW Johns’ playmaking skills and freakish kicking formed the backbone of countless Blues victories between 1995 and 2005. Indeed, it was in 2005, the last series won by NSW, that Johns (main image) returned after several weeks on the sidelines with the Blues already 1-0 down. Unfussed, Johns produced two star turns to steer NSW to a series win.

Photos: Getty

WALLY LEWIS, QLD No other player is as synonymous with Origin as Wally Lewis, whose eight man of the match awards is double any other player’s. Lewis will always be remembered for his farewell match, the 1991 decider. In the dying minutes, Lewis inspired the Maroons to a two-point win. The image of Lewis lifting the Origin trophy for the last time was made into a statue outside Suncorp Stadium.

Paul Gallen on the charge

THE STATS DON’T LIE NSW IN TOP FORM If NRL statistics are anything to go by, NSW may feel they are a great chance to finally end Queensland’s dominance in 2012. In the club season so far this year, the Blues’ backs have crossed for 32 tries in 63 games, while the Reds’ much-vaunted stars have collected just 22 in 67. Up front, where the big games are often won and lost, NSW’s forwards average 121.3m gained per game, compared to Queensland’s 103.3m. Blues skipper Paul Gallen (205.2m), James Tamou (151.1m) and Trent Merrin (140.7m) lead the charge, while Queensland’s highest ranked forward David Shillington has racked up 131m. However, the Reds have the edge in creativity, ahead in try assists (69-36) and line break assists (59-50) thanks to the form of Cooper Cronk, Johnathan Thurston and Billy Slater. It’s this flair that could well decide what will undoubtedly be the closest series for years.

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Salvelinus Fly Fishing in the Pyrenees

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Trip Highlights:

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After the disastrous floods of last autumn Cinque Terre have a new birth. Stunning coastal path with beautiful Mediterranean flora, crystalline water and hided small beaches are waiting for you!

* The illustrious five villages of Monterosso, Vernazza, Corniglia, Manarola and Riomaggiore * Breathtaking views of the emerald blue Mediterranean Sea * Steep terraced hills of olive groves, vineyards and lemon trees * Outstandingly delicious sea food and the famous Trofie al Pesto * Fabulous beaches for swimming Duration: 5 days Price from: £ 274 Tripcode: ITSW015 Challenge: These walks, though not very long, are moderate to demanding because of the steep hills. Several walks can be shortened. Lodging: In both Monterosso and Bonassola we use comfortable 3 star hotels with a friendly family run atmosphere. All the rooms have private bathrooms, TV mini-bar and hair drier. A good continental breakfast is served each morning. Dinner is only included on the first night in Bonassola (drinks excluded). All the hotels are near to all amenities.

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Photos: Getty; bentleybrookinn.co.uk

INSIDE

ALT. OLYMPICS /62

MIDNIGHT SUN /74

WORLD’S BEST FESTS /82

Didn’t get tickets to London 2012? Console yourself with England’s more bizarre sports contests. It’s toe wrestling time ...

Summer at the Arctic Circle means 24hour daylight. We prop our eyes open to experience a white night in the twilight zone.

With so many amazing line-ups at festivals across the globe this summer, why not combine sex, sun and rock ’n’ roll? TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVELDIARY

@tntmagazine

Laura Chubb ACTING TRAVEL EDITOR

THE LOVE OF A LINE Tutting and shaking my head has become a startlingly regular habit of late. I can only think that it’s the spectre of my thirties on the horizon, initiating me gradually into the blanket disapproval of the aged.

Roll with it: falling for fromage

CHEESE ROLLING Cooper’s Hill, Gloucester The English take cheese very seriously. Well, they must do if they’re willing to risk their necks plunging down Cooper’s Hill after a 3kg circle 24-25 of Double Gloucester. The idea is to run after the cheese, but often participants backflip and tumble down the hill. This unabashedly cheesy event draws more than 5000 spectators and an international throng of dairy daredevils. MAY

WHY: It’s unclear where this 200-year-old tradition came from, no doubt because the founder rolled on his head too many times. And yet the competition has prevailed throughout history without any discernable reason behind it. However, a wooden cheese was used during rationing after WWII.

Q’OYORITI

Ausangate, Peru

cheeserolling.co.uk

PELERINAGE DES GITANS

Les Stes-Maries de la Mer, France Near Cusco, thousands brave a nighttime icy climb 30 up the 6384m Ausangate glacier to pay homage to the spirits of the mountains and retrieve chunks of ice to be used as holy water. This spiritual spectacle includes feasting, dancing, and mutual whipping. Fun! MAY

peru-explorers.com

LAND DIVING

Pentecost Island, Vanuatu Local men plunge headfirst from rickety wooden towers 26 with only vines tied around their ankles to prevent a face-floor collision. According to ancient Vanuatu tradition, a good dive will secure a bountiful yam harvest. UNTIL MAY

vanuatu.travel

DO IT BECAUSE: The first to catch the runaway wheel of cheese gets to keep it, along with bragging rights. For those who aren’t comfortable with diving for dairy, laughing at the runners’ misfortunes – oh, and cheering them on – is encouraged.

Gitans, also known as gypsies, carry the statue of 24-25 patron saint Sara to the seaside to symbolise her wait for Saints Marie-Jacobe and Marie-Salmone, who first brought Catholicism to European shores. May is also mating season for flamingos, so the shoreline will be dotted with pumping pinkies. MAY

saintesmaries.com/en

KATAKLYSMOS FLOOD FESTIVAL Larnaca, Cyprus

Swimming competitions around the country celebrate 24-25 the rain season. Water fights are also a common custom. MAY

justaboutcyprus.com

Photos: Getty

Regardless, whenever I see a pedestrian bound in front of a bus rather than wait three seconds for the green man to materialise, or watch some suit get his briefcase stuck in the Tube doors because he can’t wait one minute for the next train, there it is – the tut ‘n’ shake. At Heathrow Airport last week, my tut ‘n’ shake threatened to morph into the more extreme roar ‘n’ gesticulate. There is one thing that unfailingly irks me more than anything about air travel – and no, it’s not the immigration queues (incidentally, I didn’t so much as line up to get through Terminal 5 mid-afternoon, instead gliding right through the e-passport gates. Bad luck, Joan Collins). No, it’s the insistence of every passenger, apart from myself, on standing up and queuing at the gate before so much as a seat number has been called. Even though they all know – they all know – that passengers are called in blocks, back of the plane first. And yet up they get and queue, shuffling their feet and sighing theatrically. Once, an idiot woman approached the gate staff and demanded to know why they didn’t load the front of the plane first. After hearing that it was simpler for everyone to fill the plane up from the back, Idiot Woman replied: “Not necessarily.” If only we could have further explored this logic. Perhaps the airlines really have got it wrong. I suspect, however, that if people just sat their bums down and waited to be called, they’d discover they don’t land any later than the people who boarded first.

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PASS PISS-TAKE Ryanair has habitually pushed the boundaries of decency with its money-making schemes, but truly excelled itself at the weekend when it was announced the airline would continue charging passengers £60 for printing off their boarding passes – even though the website was out of service. The budget carrier’s site was offline from 10pm on Friday until midnight on Saturday, meaning customers could not access their bookings. However, Ryanair insisted it had emailed passengers to warn that they print their boarding passes before the shutdown, and felt this was enough to justify not waiving the fee. Must be some special ink they’re printing with.

Photos: Getty

COULD IT BE QUAHOG? Rhode Island has launched a tour that takes in top sights from TV’s Family Guy – despite the fact that the cartoon is set in the fictional town of Quahog. An all-day bus tour takes Family Guy fans around landmarks for about £30 a pop. Many of the show’s influences are taken from Rhode Island in New England, it is claimed, as creator Seth MacFarlane went to the Rhode Island School of Design. Local Christopher Martin came up with the tour after cataloguing Family Guy’s Rhode Island connections for fun. Check out his website, quahog.org, if you must.

Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary must have seen the price of forgetting to print his boarding pass ...

LATE FLIGHT FINES Passengers whose flights are delayed by more than three hours should be entitled to compensation, according to a top European Court of Justice official. Advocate-general to the court Yves Bot has opposed a legal challenge mounted by British Airways and easyJet that argued against people who are subjected to lengthy delays receiving compensation equal to those whose flights get cancelled. Though Bot’s statement does not amount to a legal ruling, the court’s findings are often in line with the advocate-general’s views. Watch this space.

VIRGIN ON RIDICULOUS Virgin Atlantic has installed an industry-standard recording studio in its Clubhouse airport lounge, should celeb customers feel compelled to compose their next masterpiece as they wait for a flight. The carrier’s flagship lounge at Heathrow – which cost £11m to build – is already home to hot stone therapy and vintage video games. But now hip hop stars and rock n’ roll hellraisers alike can make good use of the hours spent kicking around at the airport and get down to some work. Expect multiple covers of Leaving On A Jet Plane from here on in.

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Ah, Bisto: gravy wrestling in Lancashire stipulates competitors wear fancy dress

Bizarre sports ENGLAND

Stacksteads Ramsbottom

Ashbourne

Swaton

Chipping Campden LONDON

Toe wrestling was invented in the Seventies. Right, top to bottom: shin kicking, gravy antics, egg throwing 64

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UKTRIP

Alternative Olympics Didn’t get tickets to London 2012? Console yourself with England’s more bizarre sports contests. It’s toe wrestling time ... WORDS LAURA CHUBB

Everyone’s talking about the Olympics, but London 2012 sure ain’t the only UK-based sporting event worthy of your time this year. In fact, we’ve discovered an ‘alternative Olympics’ taking place around the villages (and, mostly, pubs) of England this summer. Take a tour of these fringe tournaments – from shin kicking to toe wrestling – and discover a whole new side to British sportsmanship. Shin kicking Scoff if you will at the concept of a shin kicking tournament, but this sport has more to do with today’s Olympics than you might think. The British Olympics Association stated in its bid to host the 2012 Games: “In 1612 in the tiny village of Chipping Campden, Robert Dover opened the first ‘Cotswold Olimpicks’ ... The sports included ... jumping in sacks, dancing and even shin kicking.” Today, this 400-year-old tradition lives on at Dover’s Hill, near the Gloucestershire village. Competitors grab each other by the shoulders and pound at each other’s shins until one falls to the ground in pain – though they can stuff their trouser legs with straw for protection. Catch this year’s shin kicking tournament at the Olimpicks on June 1. olimpickgames.co.uk

Photos: visitlancashire.com, Yorkshire.com, cotswolds.com, Paul Tkocz, Thinkstock

Toe wrestling Far from being grumpy about our lack of sporting prowess on the world stage, Staffordshire landlord George Burgess good-humouredly invented the World Toe Wrestling Championship in 1976, in the hope that England could become world-beaters in at least one sport. A Canadian won the inaugural event. Undeterred by this small humiliation, the championship has continued annually ever since, now taking place at the Bentley Brook Inn of Ashbourne, Derbyshire. The sport entails locking toes with an opponent and attempting to force their digit to the ground over three rounds. Seven-time champion Paul ‘Predatoe’ Beech is returning for another stab at the title at this year’s championship, on August 25. bentleybrookinn.co.uk Egg throwing Oddly, the World Egg Throwing Federation reckons that the ‘sport’ has been “enjoyed by millions of people since early humans discovered the delight of watching a failure

of another to catch a tossed egg”. This year’s world championships on June 24 in Lincolnshire demand teams create egg-hurling devices that will launch eggs at speeds of up to 120mph. To score points, a team member must either catch the launched egg without breaking it, or get hit by it. Competitors and spectators alike are served by a mini beer festival with 12 types of ale from nearby Swaton, Heckington and Sleaford microbreweries, helping everyone remain focused. eggthrowing.com Gravy wrestling If rolling around in a paddling pool of Lancashire gravy weren’t excitement enough, contestants in these bonkers bouts are required to wear fancy dress, too. Held at the Rose N Bowl pub in Stacksteads, Lancashire, wrestlers grapple for two minutes and achieve a handful of points for various moves, with the highest scores being awarded for ‘fun factor’ – loudest applause, best costume, etc. A further sign that the ‘wrestling’ part of gravy wrestling isn’t taken enormously seriously comes in the form of penalty points for ‘roughness’. If you turn up to the event on August 29, be aware that ‘bawdy behaviour’ is frowned upon, too. worldgravywrestling.com Black pudding throwing Resurrecting the War of the Roses for the modern day (that’s Lancashire vs Yorkshire, not Turner vs Douglas), competitors hurl black puddings in an attempt to knock a collection of Yorkshire puddings from their perch on a 30ft-high plinth. Held outside the Royal Oak pub on Bridge Street in Ramsbottom, Lancashire, the event has drawn sportsmen from as far afield as New York and South Africa. Anyone can join in this year’s contest on September 9. Whoever knocks down the most Yorkshires goes home triumphant. Budget safari stay: calendarcustoms.com ❚

NEXT WEEK

More Xxxxxx on travel around England at visitengland.org

Sleeping with lions at Whipsnade Zoo

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LATEDEALS

@tntmagazine

See the Mykonos windmills on a Sail Greece tour for a discounted £239pp with Travel Talk

DEAL OF THE WEEK

£129

BARGAIN BUDAPEST Two nights in Budapest, Hungary is £129pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes five-star, B&B accommodation at the Ramada Plaza Budapest and return flights from London Stansted. Departs June 12.

< £250

GRAN CANARIA Seven nights in Gran Canaria is £266pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes four-star, selfcatering accommodation and return flights from London Stansted. Departs on June 11. MALTA Seven nights in Malta is £360pp with easyJet Holidays (0843 1041000; easyJet.com/holidays). Includes B&B accommodation and return flights from London Gatwick. Departs May 29. SAIL CROATIA An eight-day Sail Split-Dubrovnik-Split tour is now £321pp (save 30 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Visiting Split, Makarska, Trstenik, Dubrovnik, Mljet, Korcula and Hvar. Includes seven nights on an A category private boat, some meals and guide. Excludes flights, port tax and local payment. Book by May 31; departs June 2.

> £500 SPAIN AND PORTUGAL A nineday tour is now £594pp (save 30 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Visiting Madrid, Granada, Lagos, Lisbon and more. Includes hotels, breakfasts and guides. Excludes flights and local payment. Book by May 31; departs July 14. GREECE A nine-night Greek Island Hopper tour is £837pp (was £930pp) with Topdeck (0845 2575212; topdeck.travel). Includes sightseeing in Athens, Paros, Mykonos and Santorini, welcome dinner, guide and more. Excludes flights and entrance fees. Departs May 31, July 7 and 9. KENYA Seven nights in Mombasa is £700pp with Flight Centre (0844 8008624; flightcentre.co.uk), quoting reference 216424. Includes three-star, half-board accommodation and return flights from London Heathrow. Book by May 28; valid for travel May 21-June 24.

DAILY TRAVEL DEALS

Unique Tours, Transfers, and Activities Famous BIG MONTENEGRO TOUR Budva-Kotor-Lovcen National ParkRoyal Capital City CetinjeMonastery Ostrog-Skadar Lake National Park-St. Stefan tour length 280 km, 12 hours €40

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Most Wanted RAFTING ON TARA RIVER Budva-Kotor-Scepan Polje- Tara Canyon includes: all transfers, rafting equipment, breakfast, lunch, 20 km of rafting €70

Brand New GO TO tntmagazine.com/travel/latedeals where new travel deals are updated daily. There are more than 30 deals live at any time. Also sign up for TNT’s weekly travel newsletter, which will be emailed to you every Wednesday with the most up-to-date deals and guides to over 170 destinations. Sign up at tntmagazine.com/travelemail.

ONE DAY SAILING IN BOKA KOTORSKA BAY Kotor-Perast-Island Lady of the RocksHerceg Novi-Island MamulaTivat-Island St. Marko 30 nautical miles, 11 hours From €45

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Photos: Thinkstock, TNT

SAIL GREECE An eight-day Bodrum to Mykonos tour is now £239pp (save 60 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Visiting Bodrum, Kos, Leros, Levita, Santorini, Amorgos, Naxos, Ios and Mykonos. Includes seven nights on an A category private boat, some meals, tour leader and crew. Excludes flights, port tax and local payment. Book by May 31; departs on June 10. BUDAPEST Three nights in Budapest is £219pp with Travelbag (0871 7034240; travelbag.co.uk). Includes four-star, B&B accommodation and flights from London Luton. Departs on May 23. AMSTERDAM Two nights in Amsterdam is £148pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes four-star, B&B accommodation and return flights from London Southend. Departs May 29. EDINBURGH Two nights in Edinburgh is £189pp with Anderson Tours (0207 4369304; andersontours.co.uk). Includes B&B accommodation, return train travel and guided sightseeing. Departs June 15. RHODES Seven nights in Rhodes, Greece with cheapflights.co.uk is £229pp. Includes all-inclusive accommodation and return flights from London. Valid for travel on selected dates throughout May 2012.

£250 – £500

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EXCLUSIVE OFFER ÂŁ20 off any tour * One week only. Call & quote TNT20.

For the best prices on airfares, tours and holidays call us today on

0844 335 0635

www.flightcentre.co.uk

W Flight Centre confirms availability by searching based on the exact itinerary, cabin class & conditions as per the competitors quote. For full terms & conditions & the distinction between cabin class (first & economy) & booking class, see www.flightcentre.co.uk. Offer is subject to change at any time. Travel restrictions & conditions apply. Please ask us for further details. Prices & taxes are correct as of 16 May 12 & are subject to change without notice. Prices are return per person & are subject to limited availability. All flights depart London & include prepaid taxes & fuel charges. Seasonal surcharges may apply depending on date of travel. Airline Failure Protection & booking fees apply. *Tour minimum spend over ÂŁ99 per person. Must book by 28 May 12.

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Learn The Lingo courses, part of TNT’s Language School, are ideal for beginners or those who’d like to brush up on the basics

French / Spanish / Portuguese Ë MONDAY 11 JUNE

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HOTSHOTS

RUTH ROXANNE BOARD Talks travel photography

WINNER

HOT TIPS: Reflection Capturing reflections, whether vast landscapes or extreme close-ups, can help turn an average shot into an amazing one. When shooting larger scenes, try using a high F-stop to reduce the depth of field. Alternate between focusing on the subject and then the reflection, while also changing the height and position of your

camera. Manmade surfaces, such as metal and glass, have their own reflective properties quite different from that of water. The form of these objects comes in an infinite array of shapes and sizes, giving photographers a range of possibilities to create attractive and exciting images. There are no rules so give this shot a try!

WINNER BEAUTY IN THE SHADES Kruti Tarun Rawat, India

WHY IT WORKS London’s Tower Bridge has been warped into an impossible curve. Tourists wander past, oblivious to the distorted, miniature world that surrounds them. The transformation caused by the sunglasses on this major landmark is simple, but extremely effective. The smoothness of the reflective surface stands out against the textured denim. The appearance of such a small scene is like glimpsing through a crystal ball into an alternative reality.

RUNNER-UP LA Emma Rowland, UK

RUNNER-UP

WHY IT WORKS As the sign shows, this is LA, the hectic, showbiz, sunny land of US’s west coast. The glass front blocks the viewer’s attempt to see what’s inside the building. Instead, we see the mirror image of a cherry tree in blossom. Mother nature creeps into the frame, subverting the urban scene by infiltrating the rigid uniformity of the manmade construction. A THREE-DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com). Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

WIN

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TOP FIVE

ROYAL CELEBRATIONS

@tntmagazine

QUEEN’S DAY, AMSTERDAM

Queen’s Day, or Koninginnedag, is when the Netherlands goes orange crazy. The streets, the shops, the restaurants, and people everywhere are draped in the national colour in celebration of the royal family. Festivities actually kick off the evening before, when you can celebrate Koninginnenacht, Queen’s Day Eve. There are street markets and a grand fair in The Hague, capital of the South Holland province. There are also countless concerts and street parties which attract hundreds of thousands of people every year. After the sun goes down, the Hague Festivals, which start on April 30 and run right through to July, begin. Stages appear on every street corner and square, hosting everything from local bands and art exhibitions to comedy. As The Hague is known as Holland’s ‘city of rock’ there’s a definite heavier flavour throughout. No Queen’s Day celebration is complete without a taste of ‘the night before’. The day itself, though, is when things step up a gear. Street markets, 70 00

music and bars predominate, with a celebratory atmosphere and carnival party vibe taking over the country. The royal family traditionally visit one or two towns, places which embody the national festivities and celebrations, and this meet-and-greet is broadcast live on national TV. The unregulated street markets in Amsterdam’s city park Vondelpark are a must-see for anyone keen to cast their eyes over tacky royal trinkets, as are concerts at the city’s Museumplein square for those after some aural indulgence, with all genres of music represented at this outdoor event. Whether it’s genuine patriotism or the love of a good party that fuels the festivities is anyone’s guess. But you can hardly blame the Dutch – Queen Beatrix’s actual birthday is January 31, but it was decided to stick with the Queen mum’s birthday (April 30), as it happens to fall on a day in late spring that is far more suited to all-day outdoor partying. koninginnedagamsterdam.nl thehaguefestivals.com/en

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TOP FIVE CHECKING IN

NATIONAL DAY, SPAIN

Celebrated on October 12, National Day is a country-wide holiday in Spain, celebrating the nation’s cultural and poltical history. Held on the day that Columbus discovered the Americas, it’s marked by a military parade in Madrid, attended by King Juan Carlos I and Queen Sofia. There’s free entry to many of the city’s palaces for one day only, with many traditional-music concerts held across the capital in the evening. spain.info/en_GB

Photos: Getty; TNT

CORONATION DAY, THAILAND

Not only is the current Thai King, His Majesty King Bhumibol, the longestserving Thai monarch, he is the longest-ruling living monarch, too. US-born Bhumibol has put almost 66 years on the throne to good use and is adored by the Thai people. May 5’s Coronation Day – preceded by two days of Buddhist and Brahmanic religious rites – include a feast, miltary salute and ceremony bestowing decorations on both public and state figures. A jubilant day of celebration. tourismthailand.org

EMPEROR’S BIRTHDAY, JAPAN

Captivating

Unlike some royal celebrations, this takes place on the actual birthday of the reigning emperor, currently Emperor Akihito, born December 23, 1933. For a country steeped in historical and cultural traditions, this day of national jubilation is marked by an emperor and empress greeting at the grand Imperial Palace in Tokyo. The palace gates are opened to the public for this day, one of only two dates during the year, for a glimpse inside. jnto.go.jp

NATIONAL DAY, SWEDEN

Sweden didn’t get involved in either World War I or II, so until the early Eighties, a national day was a somewhat hushed affair. Over the past 20 years, though, this day of patriotic pride – held on June 6, the date on which Gustav Vasa was crowned king in 1523 – has grown in stature and voice. The king and queen take part in a royal ceremony in Stockholm, with children dressed as peasants – obviously – and the country’s history is honoured.

AUBERGE DE L’ABBAYE OVERVIEW This former post house has been run as a hotel by the same family for seven generations, and the wholesome vibe runs right through the establishment from the friendly attentive staff, to the locally sourced food, much of which comes from their very own farm. Set in a small village deep in the south of the French Ardennes (rolling fields rather than forest-covered hills), the quaint interiors are matched by the tranquil beauty of the surrounding countryside. WOW FACTOR The picturesque village is a retreat in itself, but it’s the stunning beauty of the Ardennes region that impresses most. ROOMS A quaint, traditional appeal is complemented by modern touches, so think wooden finishes and rustic decor with luxury bathroom fittings and heart pillows and cushions. BILL PLEASE Rooms start from £47pn.

2 place Aristide Briand – 08 460 Signy l’Abbaye auberge-de-labbaye.com Fly into Charleville Mezieres, although driving is the best option

sweden.se

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TRAVELTIPS

Jewel of India: no trip to the country is complete without the Taj Mahal

WIN

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AIRPORT LOUNGE VOUCHERS WORTH £60

If your tip is printed, you’ll win vouchers (worth up to £60) for entry for two into one of No.1 Traveller’s airport lounges at Heathrow, Gatwick or Stansted. With complimentary food and drinks, free Wi-Fi and newspapers and magazines, your trip will get off to a flying start. See No1Traveller.com Tweet your tip to @tntmagazine.com Email traveltips@tntmagazine.com Text TNT and your message to 81707* *Messages cost 25p each + standard network rate. 18+ billpayers only. Send STOP to end. Number may show on bill. A2B 08700460138

READERS’ TIPS

YOU ASKED FOR IT... LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

planning to travel to India later in Q I’m the year. I know that Goa and Varanasi are ‘must-sees’, but what are the other highlights? Also, is it safe for a girl to travel around India independently? Jess, via email by exploring India’s largest city, A Start Mumbai. This cosmopolitan metropolis

covered – but do you have any suggestions for things to keep a group of guys occupied during the day? Rob, via email is home to so many sport- and A Dublin alcohol-themed attractions, it is almost designed for a stag do. One of the city’s most popular sights is the Guinness Storehouse (£11.50 entrance, including a pint of Guinness). The Storehouse is home to the world’s largest pint glass, a museum of Guinness advertising and memorabilia, and reveals how the worldfamous drink is brewed. Finish up in the Storehouse’s Gravity Bar with views over the city. Next, head to the home of Gaelic sports, Croke Park. The museum here displays the history of the traditional Gaelic games and features an area where you can try your hand at hurling a Gaelic football. From June, you will be able to walk on the roof of the stadium to take in incredible views of the city (£20; skylinecrokepark.ie). For something a little different, why not explore the city on a beer bike – that way you won’t even have to take a break from alcohol to check out the sights. The Dublin Pedi Bus is a giant table-cum-bike which seats 10-16 people. The tour lasts two hours and includes four pints of beer each (dublinpedibus.com). Alternatively, take a break from the booze and try the amphibious Duck Tour (adults £16) to see the best of Dublin on land and water.

MONKEY BUSINESS Do not provoke the barbary macaques on Gibraltar. They take offence easily. Adam Theaker, via Facebook Probably best not to provoke monkeys/ apes anywhere, really. They ain’t as cute as you might think. Scores of people get bitten on Monkey Island in Halong Bay, Vietnam, and one ex-colleague of mine visibly shakes when he recounts the story of fighting an orangutan for his life. Madness! – Travel Ed

A LONELY PLANET GUIDE

WIN

Lonely Planet’s Laura Lindsay will give you the benefit of her infinite wisdom if you email a question to traveltips@tntmagazine.com. If your question is answered, you’ll win a Lonely Planet guide of your choice. This is a reader forum — TNT and Lonely Planet accepts no responsibility for any loss, injury or inconvenience sustained by anyone using the information provided.

Photos: Getty

is a mix of colonial history, modern bars and restaurants and ancient bazaars. From Mumbai you can take the overnight train to Goa. From here, you can fly for less than £60 to Jaipur to explore the Golden Triangle, made up of Delhi, Jaipur and the incredible Taj Mahal at Agra. From Agra Fort station, there are two daily trains to Varanasi (about 13 hours). You may also have time to travel to Kerala from Goa. Check out the backwaters, wildlife reserves and tea plantations for something a little different in this region. India is a relatively safe country to travel in. The best advice is simply to be conscious of your safety as you would be here in the UK; ie don’t walk alone at night or use unmarked taxis. You should also dress appropriately, considering that local women will dress more conservatively than in the UK. When travelling by train, my advice is to book AC1 or AC2 carriages where you will have more space and feel more comfortable. You should reservetrain tickets in advance as these carriages can get booked up. You could also consider starting your trip in Kerala, considered one of the easier Indian states to travel around, to gradually build up your confidence of going solo.

heading to Dublin on a stag do Q I’m and have activities for the evening

SURVIVE COLOMBIA TIP Know this: there are two OF THE Candelarias in Bogota, WEEK Colombia. One is the historic and cultural hub where your hostel will likely be; the other is the equivalent of the Thunderdome, from which we had to get a police escort home. Jamie Lafferty, via Facebook

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WHERE IN THE WORLD?

WIN

A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

Been somewhere good lately? Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world. Files must be at least 500Kb.

ARENAL VOLCANO, COSTA RICA Amit Lwow from Israel

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

ELE COOPER, 26

SCOTT DE LONGVILLE, 29

Buckinghamshire, England

Melbourne, Australia

BEST A group of friends and I hired a dhow while we were in Musandam, Oman. That night we slept out on deck and were woken in the morning by the sound of dolphins playing in the water – quite a wake-up call. WORST When I was in Thailand, I stayed in Trang for a couple of nights. The room I stayed in was painted in two complementary shades of suicide grey and was riddled with cockroaches. Then I got mugged by two guys on a moped the following evening. I won’t be returning to Trang.

Most memorable travel experience? Scuba diving in Borneo. The clear waters were unbelievable. Worst travel experience? A bus journey in Morocco where we were travelling winding roads at 100mph. It was 15 hours of people vomiting, and I saw a guy getting beaten up on the side of the road. Best festival you’ve been to? Glastonbury. It lived up to expectations and then some! It was the vibe, as well as the music – just everything.

» Tell us your best/worst trips, email laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

Photos: Thinkstock, TNT

SPLASHING OUT

EXPLOSIVE VOLCANO TOUR Visit Ecuador’s greatest mountains, including the world’s highest lava-spewer, Cotopaxi. A visit to Quito and a trip on the Devil’s Nose train are included. The 16-day tour costs from £1750pp with World Expeditions (worldexpeditions.co.uk; 0800 0744135). Departs on November 10, 2012 and on February 4, 2013.

THE INSIDER

PARTHIVA SURESHWAREN Formula 2 Driver Ambassador for Lycamobile

My most challenging travel experience was in Zhuhai, China. I had gone there in 2000 for a race in the Formula Asia series and while I was there I visited a Chinese market. It was a bit of a shock when I saw people eating snakes and frogs, but the hardest part was communicating. I soon found myself dancing around like a chicken to order my lunch. It was great fun, though. My favourite place in the world is Italy. I love the country for its food, cars, race circuits, beaches and mountains as well as the Italians themselves – they are so friendly and warm. The next trip on my travel wishlist is South America. Motor racing has taken me all over the world, but there are still so many places I haven’t been. I will be booking my plane tickets as soon as I get some time off from racing. I always pack my toggle mobile SIM card. I hate being charged a lot for people ringing me while I’m away. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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[Caption]this is as dark as it gets during summer in Tampere Twilight:

SWEDEN

Tampere FINLAND

FINLAND

GETTING THERE For flights to Tampere via Riga, see airbaltic.com. Return direct flights from London Stansted start at ÂŁ70 with Ryanair. ryanair.com

TAMPERE HELSINKI

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Lakeside retreat: sweat in the sauna at Villa Hepolahti

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Land of the Midnight Sun Summer at the Arctic Circle means 24-hour daylight. We prop our eyes open to experience a white night in the twilight zone WORDS JANINE KELSO

I am canoeing along the tranquil and gently meandering River Kyllonjoki in Tampere, Finland’s lake district. So far, so normal, except that it’s 3am and the night is as bright and as warm as an early summer evening in London. The grey sky is filled with wispy pink-and-lilac clouds, the likes of which can only be seen during these other-worldly twilight hours. With no motorboats to break the silence at this late hour, the buzz of insects and the gentle splash of our oars lapping the water creates the soothing soundtrack, like one of those calming chill-out CDs. The sun hasn’t set due to a natural phenomenon known as “white night”. Thanks to Tampere’s proximity to the Arctic Circle, the area experiences twilight all night around the summer solstice in June. At this time, nights are light enough to read without needing a lamp. The shortest night is on June 21 when the sun rises at 3.42am and sets at 11.12pm. Before visiting Finland, my knowledge of the country was limited to Santa and saunas. While there are oodles of the latter – 1.8 million, in fact – Finland is also known for its unblemished and undeveloped wildernesses of forests and lakes. It even managed to escape the arrival of Starbucks, until the ubiquitous chain announced it would open a branch at Helsinki airport this year. Sited 100 miles from the capital is Tampere, hailed as the Manchester of Finland, thanks to its industrial past. The city is now as cool as its British counterpart, its red brick former warehouses and textile factories now morphed into highceilinged coffee shops, lofty bars and galleries. In a bid to see Tampere at its 24-hour best, we’re packing as much into the day as is humanly possible – after all, when the sun doesn’t set, why bother hitting the sack? We begin our day with a whistlestop tour of the town’s offbeat museums that celebrate everything from Lenin to moomins and international espionage. The Spy Museum, the only one of its kind in Europe, is chock-full of hi-tech Bond-style spy gadgets: think eavesdropping devices, lie detectors and invisible ink, most of which dates back to the Cold War era. I’m desperate to know how the owner got hold of this stuff. “I can’t reveal my sources,” he says. “The people who give us these things would not want to be identified.” We also take part in an agent test, trying to crack codes and clues. My low test score shows that I’m not really MI5 material.

Next, we see what Tampere’s natural surroundings have to offer. Wedged between two vast rivers, the town is within spitting distance of a raft of watery pursuits. We head to the Kuokkalankoski river for a spot of riverfloating. Forget tubes and rafts, there’s just me and a luminous orange Michelin-man-style drysuit for this activity. Snug inside my DayGlo suit and life jacket, I float downstream feet-first, the current carrying me gently. Fortunately, this tranquil river is free of boats so I don’t have

“

When the sun doesn’t set, why hit the sack?

”

to worry about getting mown down. In what is possibly the world’s most relaxing activity, I bob along while soaking up ›› the view of the fiery cloud-streaked horizon.

Riverfloating: who needs a boat? TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Later, an Amazon-like downpour handily stops just in time for our nocturnal canoe trip on the Kyllonjoki River. After an hour of laidback canoeing, we pull up at a clearing in the forest, where we join some locals having a bonfire and singing folk songs. Here, we sip a few beers and feast on grilled sausages slathered in mustard. “During white night, it’s really common for Finnish people to stay up until the early hours drinking, singing and making bonfires to make the most of the long hours of daylight,” a 19-year-old local lad tells me. With time ticking on (it’s almost 5am for Pete’s sake!), we head to lakeside retreat Villa Hepolahti for a traditional smoke sauna, set right at the water’s edge. Sweating profusely after several minutes in the 100˚C swelter-shed, I go for a refreshing dip in the lake, then head back to the sauna to warm up. Finally, at 6am, we drive back to our hotel for some shut-eye. It’s been the perfect Finnish to 24 hours of non-stop action. ❚ For more information on Tampere, see visittampere.fi Riverfloating with Team Koskikellujat koskikellujat.fi/in-english

Steamy: hotting up is a Finnish obsession

NEXT WEEK Surf’s up! The best breaks to take your board in Europe

MIDRANGE

LUXURY

EAT

For a lively Nordic atmosphere and Scandinavian fare, swing by the hip Gastropub Nordic, in Otavalankatu 3. Even the background music is exclusively Nordic. Mains from £7.25. gastropub.net/nordic

Feast on German sausages while supping a range of flavoursome pale and dark beers, ciders and schnapps at Plevna Brewery Restaurant, in Itainenkatu 8, set in one of the old cotton mills. Half a litre of beer from £4.80; mains from £8.70. plevna.fi

Get a taste of the high life at Nasinneula, in Sarkanniemi Adventure Park, the revolving restaurant at the top of the Nordic country’s highest observation tower. Serving gourmet Finnish cuisine, an a la carte six-course menu costs £50, including reindeer for the main. sarkanniemi.fi/nasinneula/en

DRINK

Hip bar/ cafe Kahvila Valo, in Puutarhakatu 11, offers a good selection of wine and beer, as well as the best espresso in town, according to those in the know. Cocktails from £2.80. kahvilavalo.fi

Legendary downtown underground (literally) gig venue Doris, in Aleksanterinkatu 20, is a must-visit for rock and alternative music fans. Entry from £4. ravintoladoris.fi

The super-glam Groove Bar and Cellar club, in Aleksanterinkatu 22, has guest DJs every Friday and Saturday night. Free entry before 11pm. Beers from £2.30. groovebar.com

SLEEP

Crash at the award-winning Dream Hostel, in Akerlundinkatu 2, close to the city centre. Free wi-fi, free pea soup on Thursdays and free popcorn on Fridays! Guests can rent bikes from £8 a day. Sleep in a 10-bed mixed dorm for £20 per person per night. Twin room from £50 per night per room. dreamhostel.fi

The recently opened three-star Scandic Tampere Station Hotel, in Ratapihankatu 37, is a stylish pad, located in the town centre. If you’re feeling flash, stay in one of the hotel’s five rooms with private saunas. From £94 per night for a double room. scandichotels.com

Dating back to the 1920s, Sokos Hotel Tammer, in Satakunnankatu 13, is within easy reach of Koskipuisto Park. Free wi-fi and sauna access. From £130 per night for a double room. sokoshotels.fi

Photos: Visit Finland; Sami Helenius;TNT; Irina Nurmi

BUDGET

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Experience the Blue Cruise with Alaturka

Fethiye - Olympos cruises, onboard a traditional Turkish Gulet along the stunning turquoise coast

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TRAVELWEEKENDER

East to West This is Sofia in 48 hours WORDS CLARE VOOGHT

DAY 1: 09:00 There’s a strong sense of East-meets-West in Bulgaria’s capital, with Ottoman architecture round the corner from shiny new bars and clubs. Start with the East, and head to Banya Bashi, on Maria Louiza Boulevard – it’s the only remaining mosque in the city. The typically Ottoman architecture – its bathhouse, red minaret, huge dome and hot-water drinking fountain – dates back to 1576. 11:00 To get your bearings, take a free Sofia walking tour (freesofiatour.com) run by volunteers. They meet twice a day, every day, at 11am and 6pm at the Palace of Justice, which has an impressive columnated exterior. The city is easily walkable and you’ll get to check out most of its big landmarks – via the ornate Ivan Vazov National Theatre and Holy Synod Palace, plus the imposing former communist party headquarters – and end up at the National Assembly. 13:30 For lunch, chow down on some traditional Bulgarian food at Pri Yafata (pri-yafata.com), decked out with farming tools, patterned rugs and rifles hung on the walls. Pick meaty dishes of rabbit and duck from the menu, or opt for one of the many veggie dishes. Sofia is ludicrously cheap, and here you can get main meals from £2.50. 15:00 Time to get creeped out at the Peyo Yavorov House-Museum on ul. Rakovski. It was the home of the Romantic poet and revolutionary (1878-1914) and the apartment’s three rooms have been restored to their former state. Items on show include Yavorov’s death mask, some unhappy-looking photographs of him and his wife, Lora, and the dress she was wearing when she killed herself in the study. Entry costs about 41p. 80

18:00 After that bombshell, lift your spirits with a visit to Pl Bulgaria park in the city centre. There you can pick up a beer from one of its kiosks and kick back on the grass to soak up some evening rays. Or pay a visit to the northern end, where you’ll find the 1300 Years Monument, built to celebrate the first Bulgarian Empire, and the nearby memorial chapel dedicated to the 10,000 victims of the communist regime. Just next to it is part of the Berlin Wall. 19:30 Start your night out on Shishman Street, where drinking venues abound. Grab some drinks and a cheese plate from One More Bar – the trendy hotspot is in a restored old house and perfectly described by the words ‘shabby chic’. There’s also a chilled-out garden there for the summer months. 23:00 Find your clubbing fix under the neon lights at the swanky Chervilo (chervilo.com). The venue, which is a huge hit with students, hosts live music, R&B club nights, parties and has a kick-ass terrace. 02:30 Get some kip at the cheap but comfy Red Star Hostel (hostelbookers.com). Beds cost from £7 per night and there are both private rooms and a dorm. DAY 2: 09:30 Carb up after a heavy night at Sladak Svyat on ul. Alabin. The bakery serves bread rolls and cakes, but you can’t go to Bulgaria without trying banitsa – the national dish is a mix of eggs, cheese and filo pastry and costs about 25p from here. 10:30 Hit the Mineral Baths on ul. Triaditsa, also known as the Turkish Baths. Not only will this be a good spot to try and soothe a hangover, but the ceramic representations

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of medieval churches inside are amazing. Just outside is Aleksander Nevski market, which is good for a browse – artists sell their paintings alongside souvenirs, jewellery, embroidery, plus real and fake Soviet memorabilia. 13:00 For a mega-cheap lunch, go to the travellers’ oasis of sustenance that is Dream House (dreamhouse-bg.com). The veggie eatery, found in a small shopping arcade, has an all-you-can-eat buffet on Sundays for £2. 14:30 Leave the centre of the city for some adventure in the fresh air at Kokolandia forest amusement park (kokolandia.com), with rope climbing, tree-top courses and rock climbing walls, as well as miniature golf and a bar. Do you dare to try the tougher ‘over 18’s’ zone of the woodland obstacle course? Harnesses are provided, and admission costs £1.20. The park is open from May to October. 19:00 Get dinner at the busy Olive’s (olives.bg), where you can get international food – think pasta, steaks and burgers – for about £3.50. 21:00 End your trip sitting among the copper vats at Pri Kmeta (prikmeta.com/en). The microbrewery serves its own Kmetsko beer by both the litre – and metre. Brewing courses are available for about £4 on the last Monday of every month, and they involve tasting, too. It’s pretty cheap to drink here, with beers costing from 90p. Return flights from London Heathrow start at about £190 with Lufthansa lufthansa.com For more information visit bulgariatravel.org

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Summer festivals THE WORLD

Get naked: no-holds-barred freakery at Burning Man in Nevada (weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve protected their modesty with portaloos) 84

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Please don’t stop the music With so many amazing line-ups at festivals across the globe this summer, why not combine sex, sun and rock ’n’ roll? Here’s how WORDS LAURA CHUBB

Summer means music festivals. And there’s no reason to stay in the UK and risk a washout when you can combine a holiday with some rockin’ festivities in sunnier climes. Here’s our pick of the 14 best fests around the world this season – and what to do when the music stops. Rock am Ring WHERE AND WHEN Nuremberg, Germany, June 1-3. LINE-UP Be warned that this legendary hard rock festival has sold out, but if there’s any way you can get your hands on tickets, you’re in for metal mayhem. Heavyweights including Metallica, Soundgarden, Motörhead and Anthrax are all on the bill – although, so are Linkin Park (the sound of Savage Garden having a tantrum). OFF-STAGE Nuremberg might be synonymous with Nazism, but Germany’s second-largest city is also where many National Socialists were tried for their crimes. There are various museums that tell the story of the Nuremberg Trials (Nuremberg Trials Courthouse; Landgericht Nürnberg-Fürth; Dokumentationszentrum) – for light relief, check out the relentless nightlife and ubiquitous dark beer. rock-am-ring.com/en Bonnaroo WHERE AND WHEN Manchester, Tennessee, US, June 7-10. LINE-UP Radiohead, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Beach Boys. OFF-STAGE This huge music and arts fest on a sprawling 700acre farm would be entertainment enough, but the southern state of Tennesse is a true music fan’s Disneyland. From the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum in Nashville (hey, Johnny Cash is country) to Elvis’s Graceland in Memphis, it’s a pilgrimage to the very roots of rock ‘n’ roll – best washed down with some good ol’ Southern barbecue and bourbon. bonnaroo.com Summerfest WHERE AND WHEN Milwaukee, Wisconsin, US, June 27July 1; July 3-8. LINE-UP Aerosmith, ZZ Top, Iron Maiden, The Hives. OFF-STAGE Milwaukee probably isn’t top of your list of must-do destinations, but the state of Wisconsin, of which

Milwaukee is the largest city, is something of a hidden gem, offering up one of our fave travel combos – outdoor pursuits and top beer. Work off the health hazards of attending the world’s biggest music festival (11 days and 700 bands) by kayaking the colourful sea caves at Apostle Islands, mountain biking in Chequamegon National Forest, and clambering the cliffs of Door County. Then do the damage all over again with a tour of Milwaukee’s myriad brew pubs. summerfest.com Rock Werchter WHERE AND WHEN Werchter, Belgium, June 28-July 1. LINE-UP Pearl Jam, The Cure, Jack White. OFF-STAGE Werchter is just 18 miles from the country’s capital, Brussels. After a charged few days in the moshpit, soak up Brussels’ cafe culture and gorgeous architecture (see Grand Place). Then get an education at the Cantillon Brewery by taking a tour with tastings (cantillon.be), before embarking on your own personal tour of the city’s pub scene. rockwerchter.be Benicassim WHERE AND WHEN Valencia, Spain, July 12-15. LINE-UP Bob Dylan, Bombay Bicycle Club, Dizzee Rascal, New Order. OFF-STAGE Bang in the middle of Barcelona and Madrid, Valencia is perfectly placed for a whistlestop tour of Spain’s mightiest cities. If a beach break is more your thing, just over 100 miles away is Alicante, known for its frenzied nightlife, or see the very worst of what the country has to offer and swing by nearby Benidorm. The latter is a living 18-30s hell – or heaven, depending on your tastes. benicassimfestival.co.uk Exit WHERE AND WHEN Novi Sad, Serbia, July 12-15. LINE-UP Guns N’ Roses, Erykah Badu, Goldie, Gossip. OFF-STAGE Aside from the plethora of laidback bars and cafes, suited to lazily whiling away entire days, Novi Sad is home to ‘the Gibraltar of the Danube’ – the Petrovaradin Citadel. This impressive French-designed fortress on a hill ›› TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Rock out: catch Green Day at Summer Sonic and (below right) RHCP’s Anthony Kiedis

Hit the beach in Benidorm. Top: join the party in Belgrade, Serbia overlooking the river took 88 years to complete, with an estimated 70-80 men killed every day as they strove to build it. If you’ve got time, head to hedonistic Belgrade, where clubs open on barges on the Danube over summer. exitfest.org Melt! WHERE AND WHEN Ferropolis, Germany, July 13-15. LINE-UP Bloc Party, Gossip, Justice, Two Door Cinema Club. OFF-STAGE At least part of this festival’s appeal is its quirky location, Ferropolis, an open museum of old industrial machinery known as ‘the city of iron’. Loomed over by cranes, the machinery is lit up by colourful lights at night. In addition, Melt! has the good fortune of taking place just 40 miles from Berlin, so you can continue the cutting-edge cool in Europe’s capital of hip. We particularly like cafe/bar Soupanova in Prenzlauer Berg, with its Seventies sofas and trippy orange glow (soupanova.de). meltfestival.de/en

Soundwave WHERE AND WHEN Tisno, Croatia, July 20-22. LINE-UP De La Soul, DJ Yoda, Ghostpoet. OFF-STAGE The tiny Dalmatian town of Tisno is just across the bay from the Kornati Islands, an archipelago of gorgeous islets, cliffs and coves. Snorkelling, diving and sailing are all available, and you can even arrange to stay with a traditional Kornati family – going olive-picking, sheep-shearing, and fishing for dinner – with tour operators in Murter. soundwavecroatia.com

Pitchfork WHERE AND WHEN Chicago, US, July 13-15. LINE-UP Vampire Weekend, Dirty Projectors, Hot Chip. OFF-STAGE Chicago-based indie music webzine Pitchfork – credited with breaking the likes of Arcade Fire, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and Modest Mouse – launched its annual festival back in 2006 with an ace line-up that included Art Brut and CSS. The three-day fest in the city’s Union Park has continued in the same vein ever since, and makes a great alternative to this summer’s bigger events. Chicago is well worth checking out too – see Lollapalooza on P83. pitchfork.com 86

Fuji Rock: a festival with a fab view

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Fuji Rock Festival

FESTIVAL SURVIVAL GUIDE

WHERE AND WHEN Naeba Ski Resort, Niigata, Japan, July 27-30. LINE-UP The Stone Roses, Radiohead, Beady Eye, The Shins. OFF-STAGE The ski resort might be closed to powder-riders for the summer, but there’s still plenty to do in Niigata. The capital of the prefecture, Niigata City, is home to more than 100 breweries and a thriving bar scene, as well as what is hailed as some of the best sake in Japan. Nearby Niigata-ken also boasts beaches and hot springs, and Tokyo is two hours away by train (or five-and-a-half by bus). smash-uk.com

THE DOS AND DON’TS OF HAPPY CAMPING

Lollapalooza WHERE AND WHEN Chicago, US, August 3-5. LINE-UP Black Sabbath, Calvin Harris, Red Hot Chili Peppers. OFF-STAGE Lollapalooza has always been about bringing together different genres, ever since Jane’s Addiction frontman Perry Farrell booked Nine Inch Nails and Ice-T for his musical carnival. And its home town, Chicago, is a similarly duplicitous beast, where America’s best hot dog and the beginning of molecular gastronomy are both claimed, and fine art rubs up against public works (see The Loop, the city’s central business district that doubles as an open-air museum of sculpture). Add sandy beaches and green parks, and there’s plenty to make up for the weather in the Windy City. lollapalooza.com Flow WHERE AND WHEN Helsinki, Finland, August 8-12. LINE-UP Bon Iver, The Black Keys, Bjork, Feist. OFF-STAGE Because a festival in a field is just too darned common these days, this Finnish fest is held in the shadow of the smoke stacks of a former power plant. If you find yourself fancying a less industrial setting, try catching the winter sun in Tampere (see P74). flowfestival.com Summer Sonic WHERE AND WHEN Tokyo and Osaka, Japan, August 18-19. LINE-UP Green Day, Gotye, Rihanna, LostProphets. OFF-STAGE Like Reading and Leeds, this festival shares ›› the same line-up on different days at its two locations.

Warning: book your festival travel early

Festivals are meant to be fun, but they can also turn out pretty crap if you don’t follow these simple rules: DON’T buy your tickets from touts. You could spend hundreds of pounds on a forgery. This will suck when you get refused entry at the gate. Stick to reputable websites and agencies. DO plan travel to and from the festival in advance. Leaving it too late will likely result in expensive plane/ train tickets or, even worse, none at all. DON’T forget to take toilet roll, plasters and paracetomol. They will be your best friends. DO pack lots of plastic bags, in case it rains. The plastic bag is an ingenious survival tool – it protects your bum if you want to sit on wet grass, can be used to line your backpack so your stuff doesn’t get wet, and is a great receptacle for shoving manky clothes in if you don’t want to think about them til you get home. DON’T ever cook inside your tent. It is a Very Bad Idea. DO take lots of water with you. It’ll be catastrophically expensive at the festival, and being in the sun all day/ drinking gallons of booze will dehydrate you. DON’T wear jeans. Denim is not practical festival material. Combat trousers that dry quickly and are dark in colour to hide your sins are best. And pack lots of layers. DO agree a meeting point with your mates should you get separated while watching a band. It’s rubbish if you lose everyone for the night. DON’T forget to check your tent before you leave for the festival. TNT knows a chump who turned up at the festival site, unpacked their tent and discovered they’d forgotten the poles.

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Tokyo is an obvious tourist draw, but for an equally frenetic experience, Japan’s third-largest city measures up. There’s a museum built to look like a castle and Universal Studios Japan (essentially a huge theme park); stirring temples and shrines; vast expanses of flashing neon; and a smart nightlife that includes a branch of New York’s Blue Note jazz club. summersonic.com Burning Man WHERE AND WHEN Black Rock Desert, Nevada, US, August 27-September 3. LINE-UP There is no scheduled line-up as such – Burning Man is about as far removed from your typical festival as David Cameron is from a scandal-free premiership. Every year, tens of thousands of people gather to create Black Rock City, a community built on art and self-expression (and no little nudity), where everyone is a participant. OFF-STAGE Come on, you’re in Nevada. Where else would you go after the unbridled freakery of Burning Man? Besides the casinos, strippers and epic benders of Las Vegas, check out the museum where the old neon signs go to die (neonmuseum.org). burningman.com ❚

Surf’s up: get carried away in the crowd

BEST OF THE REST MUSIC FESTS AT HOME

If your wallet won’t justify a festival holiday, here’s our pick of the best from the Brit calendar ...

CREAMFIELDS When: August 24-26 Why: If you just wanna dance, this fest in Cheshire is for you, with David Guetta, Tiesto, Calvin Harris, Eric Prydz and Deadmau5 manning the decks. It’s in August, so that increases the chances of sun. creamfields.com

BESTIVAL When: September 6-9 Why: Fast becoming the coolest event on the UK festival calendar, and boasting a smaller scale, more hippy vibe than most, the line-up on the Isle of Wight this year includes Stevie Wonder, New Order and Friendly Fires. 2012.bestival.net 88

Photos: Getty, Thinkstock

READING AND LEEDS When: August 24-26 Why: This rock festival is typically a far less relaxed affair than the likes of Glasto, but the line-up isn’t quite as metaltastic this year, so perhaps there’ll be fewer pints of piss taking flight. Foo Fighters and Santigold are highlights. readingfestival.co.uk leedsfestival.co.uk

Give me fuel, give me fire: catch Metallica at Rock am Ring in Nuremberg, Germany

Relax: explore Croatia after Soundwave [Caption]

NEXT WEEK Vietnam: Biking the Mekong Delta, cockfights, massages See Elvis in Memphis

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9 WEEKS - 5 MONTHS 4 ISLAND FLEXI-HOPPER (May-Sep) FROM £255

CORDOBA, SEVILLE, LAGOS, TARIFA, RONDA, GRANADA, CONSUEGRA & TOLEDO

LITHUANIA, LATVIA, ESTONIA, SWEDEN & FINLAND There are two ways to go: 1.Vilnius to Tallinn 2.Tallinn to Vilnius

POMPEII, SORRENTO, CAPRI & AMALFI

6 nights accommodation, orientation walks in each town, guided tour with a local through the remarkable city of Seville INCLUSIONS:

7 nights accommodation and breakfasts, 2 Baltic Sea cruise nights, all orientation walks, Riga club entrance

2 nights accommodation, entry to Pompeii and tour with local guide, orientation tour of Sorrento, boat trip to and around Capri, Limoncello and chocolate tasting INCLUSIONS:

INCLUSIONS:

* Valid on all 2012 departures. Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘getaway’

* Valid on Vilnius to Tallinn departures only. Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘getaway’

NOW FROM £230 STUDENTS NOW FROM £221

MYKONOS, PAROS, SANTORINI & IOS INCLUSIONS:

All ferries, guided orientations of each island and nights out on every island

SEE MORE AY WITH A 2 D

Greek Odyssey

details at bottom of page

* Valid on all 2012 departures. Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘getaway’

* Valid on MAY & 7 SEP departures onwards. Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘getaway’

Croatia Island Hopper DEPARTS SPLIT

Ibiza Island Hopper

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FROM £539

STUDENTS NOW FROM £357

STUDENTS FROM £519

15% * OFF

£90

£114

SAVE UP TO

One-Way Egypt 10 DAYS (Apr-Dec) FROM £579

* Valid 26 MAY-16 JUN & 25 AUG, 15 & 22 SEP 9 nights accommodation, departures only. Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘sail’ all breakfasts, 2 lunches & 4 local dinners, £100 of entrance fees - Egyptian Museum, Valley of the Kings and Hatshepsut Temple, Pyramids of Giza, Sphinx, Luxor and Karnak Temples, Kom Ombo and Aswan High Dam DEPARTS SPLIT OR DUBROVNIK INCLUSIONS:

Croatia One-Way Sail

Also Available

8 DAYS (May-Sep) FROM £540

7 DAYS (Apr-Dec) FROM £349

NOW FROM £459

NOW FROM £297

STUDENTS NOW FROM £442

7 nights accommodation, breakfasts and lunches, fuel supplement, island orientation walks, orientations of Split and Dubrovnik, English speaking Busabout Guide and expert local crew.

There are two ways to go: 1.Retox then Detox (Ibiza - Mallorca - Menorca) 2.Detox then Retox (Menorca - Mallorca - Ibiza) 7 nights accommodation and breakfasts, all ferry tickets and transfers, guided orientations of local attractions on each island, organised nights out in every island, discount Ibiza club tickets INCLUSIONS:

INCLUSIONS:

* Valid on all 2012 departures. Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘egypt’

New for 2012 Greek

RUNNING OF THE BULLS, PAMPLONA SPAIN DEPART LONDON CAMPING

Opening Week 4 July 6 DAYS £319

Closing Week 11 July 6 DAYS £299 CAMPING PAMPLONA

Mid Festival 8 July & Final Week 12 July 5 DAYS £219 HOSTEL SAN SEBASTIAN

Mid Festival 9 July & Final Week 12 July 4 DAYS £269

* Valid 16 JUN departures only. Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘sail’

Odyssey

METEORA & DELPHI 2 DAYS £139 INCLUDES: 1 night accommodation (triple share) & breakfast/ local guide in Delphi,

plus site & museum entrance fees / local guide in Kalambaka, plus entrance fees for two monasteries

08450 267 514 TNT_1499_travel.indd 103

TRAVEL

Adventures

www.busabout.com

Plus More of Europe’s Top Festivals TOMATINA & OKTOBERFEST TNTMAGAZINE.COM 103

info@busabout.com

18/5/12 11:24:21

europe

2011 TRIPLE AWARD WINNERS BEST EUROPEAN TOUR OPERATOR AS VOTED BY YOU

Eastern Europe Treks 10% * OFF

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£59

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£47

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SAVE UP TO

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NOW FROM £431

NOW FROM £485

STUDENTS NOW FROM £391 SPLIT TO PRAGUE

STUDENTS NOW FROM £413 SPLIT TO ISTANBUL

CROATIA, SLOVENIA, AUSTRIA & CZECH REPUBLIC

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INCLUSIONS:

Classic Balkan Trek

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8 nights accommodation and breakfasts, walking tour of Olomouc, Auschwitz and Birkenau guided tours, bike tour of Krakow, orientation walks of Zakopane and Split, entrance to the Plitvice National Park

INCLUSIONS:

Also Available

8 nights accommodation and breakfasts, 2 dinners, Gallipoli tour, orientation walks of Thessaloniki, Tirana and Budva

Also Available

4 DAY Mini

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SPLIT TO BLED

* Valid on 2012 bookings. Book by 27 May. Enter promocode ‘getaway’

FOR ALL OUR TREKS THAT START OR FINISH IN SPLIT CHECK OUT CROATIA SAILING TRIPS

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GIANT’S ROCKER 5 DAYS (Wed) WAS £215 NOW £175 (Students Now £165) GALWAY, INIS MÓR, GIANT’S CAUSEWAY, DERRY & BELFAST

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Includes FREE entry to: Cliffs of Moher, Giant’s Causeway & Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge

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TEL: 08450 267 507 INFO@SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM TNT_1499_travel.indd 104

6 nights accommodation and breakfast, Belgrade walking tour, Mostar local guide, Sarajevo walking tour with tunnel entrance, Istanbul orientation walk

INCLUSIONS:

ATHENS TO SPLIT

7 DAY Rhapsody 3 DAY Mini

SAVE UP TO

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INCLUSIONS:

SAVE UP TO

WWW.SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM 18/5/12 11:24:25

pl ENG us L & WA AND LES

TRAVEL

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•

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Explore Scotland’s wilderness by bike, hike, canoe and kayak. INCLUDES: All equipment, support vehicle to carry gear, qualiﬁed instructors and max group size of 8.

THE GREAT GLEN ADVENTURE 4 DAYS £395 (JUL - SEP) Fort William, Great Glen, Loch Ness & Inverness

WEST HIGHLAND WAY ADVENTURE 6 DAYS £559 (JUL - SEP) Glasgow, Loch Lomond, Glencoe & Fort William

3 PEAKS CHALLENGE 6 DAYS £459 (DEPARTS EDINBURGH 18 JUN) Climb the highest mountains of Scotland, England and Wales with loads of time to explore the truly wild parts of the British Isles

WATCH THE CLIP www.youtube.com/HAGGiStelly TNTMAGAZINE.COM 105

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1G5C?=5 5EB?@5 explore europe 2012 DG9> 1>4 4?E2<5 8?D5<C 1<< D85 G1I M O R F +(%& 5C31@5 12 DAYS

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* Excludes compulsory food of Â£169

M O R F

DEPARTS! LONDON

ULTIMATE EUROPE 26 DAYS 16 COUNTRIES:

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DEPARTS! LONDON

Only 10% deposit required to secure your place!

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TNT_1499_travel.indd 106

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DEP LO

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5 CE==5B 451<C budget tours for 18-38's

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M FRO

12C?<ED5 51CD5B>

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DEPARTS ROME!

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M FRO

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DEPARTS! LONDON

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ALL NG DEPARTIN LONDO !

C8?BD D?EBC 41I DB9@C

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EDINBURGH FRINGE FESTIVAL & TATTOO 4 DAYS 24-27 August

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108 TNTMAGAZINE.COM L8291 / Y2992

TNT_1499_travel.indd 108

*Terms & Conditions apply. Flights not included. Subject to availability.

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www.topdeck.travel/europe/tnt

TRAVEL

UP TO

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Dep. 19 June 2012 Includes Paris, Florence, Rome, Austrian Alps, Munich, Amsterdam, plus more!

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TNT_1499_travel.indd 109

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TRAVEL

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TRAVEL

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pptravel.com

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(1991-2012): 21 years of great party tours!! TNTMAGAZINE.COM 111

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TRAVEL

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TRAVEL

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;OL Z[\Ɉ [OH[ SLNLUKZ HYL THKL VM

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DAY TRIPS The Highlands, and then some...

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for details of our great hostels visit scotlandstophostels.com Visit the world-famous Loch Ness and get a taste of the Scottish Highlands

BOOK ON ANDERSONTOURS.CO.UK OR CALL 0207 436 9304

Departs Edinburgh 4 days a week

TNTMAGAZINE.COM 113

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DESPERATELYSEEKING

@tntmagazine

Post your message at tntmagazine.com/seeking or email seeking@tntmagazine.com. Text TNT and your message to 81707* Billie Jean: Biatch, you know who you are. Stop going around Acton saying you’re having my baby. You’ve been snorting way too many lines, girl. Does the phrase ‘drugfucked’ ring a bell in your foggy brain? We only had a quick pash after Anzac Day and anyway, you took advantage of me. I’d never go the whole way with you. I heard you did Dougie in the Walkie toilets. Maybe he’s your baby’s daddy. Not me, though. Mike.

Shazza: There’s no ned to be such a stuck-up mole just cos you MIGHT have a job in New York. You were such a bright-eyed little thing when you first arrived in London. Now you’re just a cynical hard-faced downer. You should remember who your real friends are – we’re not a bunch of social-climbing wannabes like the dicks at your work. Your real mates. Kiwi Girl at the Defectors: I can’t believe you dirty danced

THINGS THE QUEEN SHOULD DO BEFORE SHE DIES

#480

Don a suit and help Will Smith vanquish aliens in MIB4 Dave Ja Vu: Bro, it’s disgusting that you get so pissed you wet the bed. We can’t believe Cherie still sleeps next to you. The smell the next morning was insane, in a bad way. We thought a fox had got in and left its mark. Bro, if our bond is affected by your dirty bed, there’s going to be big trouble. Get a rubber sheet, man – we’ve heard it’s not the first time it’s happened. 1746 Crew. Heidi: Your mum’s a MILF. Don’t leave her alone or I will pounce – like a spider monkey. Hot hot hotness. From Cougar Hunter.

with me for that long – all the while wondering how you would grab my wallet. I saw you peeking into it when we were at the bar. Having a look is one thing, pickpocketing is another. The cops are getting the security tape. You’re going to get busted. Detective Clued-up. Augustine: I am your truffle hound. I will sniff out all manner of European treasures for you. Join me on my journey of sunshine and light. Let us sit under a tree, near a beach, watching the clouds sailing through the blue sky. This time is ours. Paulos

Hey Cockney Stu: Just remember you’re from Kaikoura, not Camden. What’s with the affected accent, bro. Starting to get a bit weird, now. Keep it real, mate. The boyz in the hood. Stacey: You’re moving back to Oz. I’ll sure miss our long weekend sessions, flirting with the boys at the Billabong, baking scones on Sundays, strolling through the Camden markets, getting samshed at Ministry, curling up under the doona for some light petting. It’s been a blast mate. We’ll have to catch up back in Darwin. I’m really glad you left Steve. Best move ever. Your soul sistah, Angelique. Kendall: I am the walrus, I am the toad. I am the living creature, that lives outside your road. I am your doormat, I am your fridge, I am the TV, I’ve taken too much acid. John the gherkin. Hey Hootsie: Told you I’d get you a massive shout-out in TNT. This one’s for Hootsie, the hootchie kootchie man. Lock up your daughters, lock up you wives, Hootsie’s rumbling back through London and he ain’t taking no prisoners. We love you, bro. You’re the man, bigtime. D-rock playas. Leicester Square Love Creature: I smile at you each morning as your green eyes sparkle amidst the Tube gloom. I see the cute way your nose wrinkles when you sneeze, the way you play with your hair in the reflection as if no one is watching. Your lack of makeup lets your beauty shine. I see you read TNT. Look up – the guy with the blue bag. It’s me. xx

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Jenna, Jenny, Judy, Jude: I can’t remember your name but I remember every second I spent talking to you at Holloway Nag’s Head bus stop last Friday. You’d been in Big Red. And my heart stopped dead. Let’s do ANYTHING. No class: To the blonde who was poorly shielding her friend whilst she was having a wee in the middle of Clapham High Street, you need to sort your mate out, it’s really not a good look #minger!! Mystery man: I met you outside the Elk bar on Thursday night after a few too many Mojitos, May 10. I asked you for directions to the Tube. When I got to the station, It was the last one so you were a true lifesaver – if I’d missed that I would have been stranded, I regret not asking you your name and even for your number you were a true gent. Hope to see you in the Elk soon ;) Graham: Why do you constantly push and pull me? I feel like I’m in some sort of tug of war game that I will never win. You are a great person in so many other respects, but please stop torturing my heart. I want you, my cards are on the table, show me yours or I will fold. You’ve got to know when to walk away. The Gambler. Stefania: The other night was the certainly the hottest I’ve ever had. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from that thing you did with your ..... well, I’d just like to say I saw you with a smile on your face the next morning, too … and I’d love to share a few more moves with you, so make sure you holla and we’ll go to heaven again. Mr Smitten.

OFFICIAL MEDIA PARTNER

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