TNT Magazine / Issue 1490

March 19-25 2012 Issue 1490 tntmagazine.com

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FATBOY SLIM ’S BRIGHTON B EACH GIG TICKETS

MAGICAL MOROCCO Get ready for sensory overload in North Africa

HOGWARTS AND ALL Behind the scenes at the new Harry Potter tour

SOD THE BEACHES! We head to the Algarve for high-energy adventure

D E K C A R C R EASTE avaganza tr s g g e d n e k e ve a long-we a h – e c fa r u yo with egg on ft le e b ’t n o D + LATE DEALS TOP 5 BEER FESTIVALS WHY MEN SHOULD CHEAT TRAVEL TIPS TNT_1489_Cover.indd 1

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W Flight Centre confirms availability by searching based on the exact itinerary, cabin class & conditions as per the competitors quote. For full terms & conditions & the distinction between cabin class (first & economy) & booking class, see www.flightcentre.co.uk. Offer is subject to change at any time. Travel restrictions & conditions apply. Please ask us for further details. Prices & taxes are correct as of 14 Mar 12 & are subject to change without notice. Prices are return per person & are subject to limited availability. All flights depart London & include prepaid taxes & fuel charges. Seasonal surcharges may apply depending on date of travel. Airline Failure Protection & booking fees apply. Tour prices exclude flights. *Local payment applies.

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THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

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LONDONNEWS

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DRINK & EATS

14-15

@TNT

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SPOTTED

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LONDON SOUND

20-21

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

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COMPETITION

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CHATROOM JOEL STOKER

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LONDON SCENE

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26-27

SPARE TIME

Photos: memmohotels.com; Warner Bros. Cover: Getty

EDITOR’S LETTER If you’re a Harry Potter fan, you’ll be champing at the bit to book a tour of the movies’ studio. But is it worth it? Flick to P28 to find out what our writer thought as he went behind the scenes before the big opening. The Easter weekend isn’t far away. If you’re yet to decide what to do, see P8 for London’s best events. Or, go further afield to Morocco, Portugal, Germany or one of the many other destinations we feature from P55. Enjoy!

WWW.TNTMAGAZINE.COM/APPS

MY LONDON

CAROL DRIVER EDITOR carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

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LIFESTYLE

33-41

SHOPPING

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FEATURES EASTER FUN

8

HEALTH & BEAUTY

34-35

CAREERS

36-37

LIVING

40-41

HALLOWED HALLS

NEWS & SPORT

42-53

TRAVEL

55-78

Follow in the footsteps of the Harry Potter gang as Warner Bros opens its studio

DIARY

56

NEWS

57

LATE DEALS

60

HOTSHOTS

63

TOP FIVE

64

TIPS & STUFF

66-67

SHORTBREAK

68

48 HOURS IN... COLOGNE

72

CLASSIFIEDS DESPERATELY SEEKING

81-113 114

We’ve got all the best options to make your long weekend the best yet

AFFAIRS OF THE HEART

74

28

46

Is monogamy unnatural? A new book makes that case. We explore further

TOP DOGS CHASE TAILS

52

England need a good performance in the upcoming series against Sri Lanka

ALGARVE ACTION

68

Get physical on the beaches and mountain bike trails of southern Portugal

TALES FROM MOROCCO

74

From Casablanca and Fes to Essauoira,

adventure lurks everywhere

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EDITORIAL Editor Carol Driver Sub editor Jahn Vannisselroy Content editors: Acting Travel Laura Chubb Entertainment Alasdair Morton News & sport Tom Sturrock Web Oliver Jones Staff writer Clare Vooght Staff writer/editorial assistant Rebecca Kent

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Painting nudes: more fun when done literally

DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke Graphic design manager Justine Mackay Acting picture researcher Ruth Board DIGITAL & IT Head of digital marketing and development Syed Ahmad Social Media Coordinator Dan Thorne IT manager Stephen Dann SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Classified Ad Manager Matt Syder Sales executives Tyler Harrison | Eddie Clinton | Donovan Smith | Michael Fair Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events assistant Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh TNT MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst PUBLISHER TNT Multimedia Limited DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP SAPA NZPA PICTURES Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 16 Brune St, London, E1 7NJ tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com

Shhh... SECRET LONDON DIE FRECHE MUSE: PERFORMANCE COVENT GARDEN

This high-concept costume party celebrates the cult British film Performance, which, starring Mick Jagger in his first cinema role, has developed a following for its portrayal of the era’s free-love hippies. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve seen it or not; rest assured, a party based on this movie is guaranteed to be a cracker. There’s a heap of live music, performance art and burlesque, so embrace your inner flower power, break out the bell bottoms and beatnik gear, and swing like it’s the Sixties. £20

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Sat, Mar 24. 10pm Adam Street Member’s Club, 9 Adam St, WC2N 6AA

WHERE TO GET TNT

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HOXTON STREET MARKET

GUARDIAN OPEN WEEKEND

It’s a grab-bag of stand-up comedy, the bill mostly comprising up-and-comers, including Jonny Awsum, McNeil & Pamphilon and Lou Sanders.

Some of this stuff can be experimental and even a little excruciating if the poor bugger gets no laughs.

But that’s part of the thrill – knowing the threat of utter humilation is real.

This market, in one of London’s most eccentric little pockets, is open every day but nothing much happens until Saturday, when it’s massive with locals. It’s great for fresh food and homeware and, best of all, you can buy breakfast until 5pm. Make a day of it in east London and then head to Hoxton Square for a drink.

The Guardian newspaper opens its doors to the pubic for a weekend of brain-enriching talks and workshops from some of its best and brightest contributors. There will be addresses from David Miliband, author Ian McEwen and brilliantly satirical cartoonist Steve Bell. There are also cooking demos for the foodies.

Thurs, Mar 22. 8pm The Tommyfield, 185 Kennington Lane, SE11 4EZ Kennington wegottickets.com

Saturdays. 8am Hoxton St, just behind Kingsland Rd, N1 Old Street hoxtonstreetmarket.co.uk

Mar 24-25. 10am 90 York Way, London, N1 9GU King’s Cross/St Pancras guardian.co.uk/open-weekend

COVER PRICE: £1 where sold SEE tntmagazine.com/findtnt for pick-up points or tntmagazine.com/emag to read TNT online SUBSCRIPTIONS AND DISTRIBUTION Caroline Penn 01603 559004 All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine.

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Kittens: some are still cute when they’re older

THE KITTEN CLUB Chancery Lane

London is brimming with saucy burlesque acts and Volutpé, in the middle of the capital, is one of the biggest and best venues for your weekly dose of titillation. The four members of the Kitten Club – Delores Deluxe, Vixen de Ville, Tempest Rose and Vicious Delicious – all have their own subversive, slightly messed-up backstories, but the real thing, on stage, is what matters. A memorable evening awaits. £58

Fri, Mar 23. 7pm and 10pm Volupté, 9 Norwich St, EC4A 1EJ

thekittenclub.com

MODERN BRITISH SCULPTURE

TATE-TOTATE BOAT

Modern art might leave you baffled but even sculpture that remains a mystery in its meaning can be impressively vivid and skillfully made.

Even if you bring very little background knowledge to this exhibition, it’s a perfect primer on the sculptors who influenced British art – and you might find yourself surprisingly interested by it.

Ditch the Tube and travel between the Tate Modern and the Tate Britain in style. Board a catamaran fitted out with Damien Hirst-designed interiors and stop off at the two galleries and the London Eye. It’s a perfect way to take in a bit of culture while seeing London from the enchanting, muddy waters of the Thames.

Until Apr 20. 10am-6pm Robert Bowman, 34 Duke St, SW1Y 6DF Green Park robertbowman.com

Daily. Until 5pm Bankside, London, SE1 9TG Waterloo tate.org.uk/tatetotate

FREE

Photos: Nick Mann

Chancery Lane

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LONDONNEWS

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WIFI AT TUBE STATIONS BEFORE 2012 GAMES Wifi will be available at some London Underground stations in time for the summer’s Olympics.

Virgin Media has been awarded the wireless internet contract, which will see the service rolled out to a further 40 stations by the end of the year.

The connection will be available in ticket halls, escalators and platforms, but not between Tube stations.

The service is being provided at no cost to London Underground, but will only offer free access to the Transport for London site.

Users will be charged on a pay-as-you-go scheme for wider use.

Mayoral culpa, mayoral maxima culpa London mayor Boris Johnson apologises in Latin for describing a St Patrick’s Day dinner in the City as “leftie crap”

POLLUTION IN CAPITAL HITS RECORD HIGH Londoners woke to a blanket of fog on Thursday, as air pollution levels reached record levels.

It was blamed on a combination of traffic fumes, still weather and an influx of dirty air from north England and northern France.

The high beat the levels recorded in the capital last Easter, when the government issued a smog alert.

Critics said the London mayor had failed to warn Londoners of the hazard.

ON THE TUBE

Happy campers: two iPad fans

iPad mania in London

Tech fans queue for days to get hands on Apple’s latest device These were two of thousands of ecstatic Apple fans who managed to get their hands on the new iPad on Friday morning.

More than 600 queued for up to five days at the Regent Street store to buy Apple’s latest device.

Zohaib Ali, 21, of Uxbridge, was at the head of the line. He was looking forward to some well-earned relaxtion with his new toy. “I’m so happy,” he said. “I’m really tired but it was worth it.”

Some eager customers had slept in tents and sleeping bags, while others had brought chairs as well as laptops and older iPads to keep themselves entertained.

Dipak Varsanin, the first in queue at the Covent Garden store, waited in line

for 32 hours. The 21-year-old student, from Neasden, north-west London, said: “I am very excited, I have been following this since it was announced.

“Being able to finally have it in my hand is really an experience. It is better than the other iPads because of the HD resolution – you’ve got clearer movies and clearer games – I use it as a multimedia device.”

The third-generation iPad, which boasts a huge 3.1million-pixel screen, has recieved rave early reviews online.

Tech site The Verge waxed lyrical about the new tablet. “This display is outrageous.

It’s stunning. It’s incredible,” it wrote. “I’m not being hyperbolic or exaggerative when I say it is easily the most beautiful computer display I have ever looked at.”

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

Refurb: King’s Cross

THIS WEEKE’S CLOSURES

BAKERLOO: No service between Stonebridge Park and Harrow & Wealdstone on Sunday. Replacement buses in operation.

CENTRAL: No service between White City and West Ruislip/Ealing Broadway all weekend. Replacement buses in operaton.

NORTHERN: No service between Camden Town and High Barnet /Mill Hill East all weekend. Replacement buses in operation.

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Photos: Getty

W’LOO & CITY: No Sunday service.

Commuters will get their first glimpse of the £500m new western concourse at King’s Cross after an eight-year project.

Rail bosses have described it as “the biggest transformation in the station’s 160-year history” – part of a £2.2bn makeover.

London mayor Boris Johnson will officially open the concourse, which boasts three times the space of the original, on Monday.

The redevelopment of the north-London station featured 67 acres of brownfield land being overhauled to create eight-million square feet of offices, shops, new homes, and an art college.

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Go the girls: go-go girls will entertain at Le Beat Bespoke

The big weekend The Easter holiday throws up an array of activities, so don’t put all your eggs in one basket WORDS REBECCA KENT AND CLARE VOOGHT Skint and sticking around London during the Easter long weekend?

That’s nothing to be sniffed at. Events organisers are making the most of the four-day holiday, so you can make the most of yours, without having to skip the capital.

Whether you want to traipse around the streets hunting for £100,000 Easter eggs, or go on a bar crawl dressed as Jesus, London has something to offer (see P10-11).

To spend the long weekend rocking your socks off, head to Le Beat Bespoke – a four-day rock ‘n’ roll event which will be a hit with the underground retro set – and anyone in the mood for a shuffle.

Surf outfit The Trashmen – whose 1963 song Surfin’ Bird was a worldwide hit – will top the central London bill, which also features live bands and DJs. Garage, rockabilly, folk, funk, psych, soul, ska and jazz will crank across three rooms as go-go girls provide eye candy, and cult films flicker on big screens.

Rob Bailey, 41, who founded the annual event eight years ago, says it attracts people from all over the world.

“This is a unique festival for people 8

who don’t just enjoy the music of the Fifties and Sixties, but live the lifestyle,” Bailey says. “Even if you are not hugely into the scene, it’s the perfect place to dip your toe into the water because the music variety is wide, there’s loads of stuff going on, and best of all, people are friendly.”

Or, if you’re a bit of a movie buff, kick off your Easter weekend with a glimpse into the illustrious world of costume design at Angels The Costumiers, one of the world’s most highly regarded outfitters of film, stage and TV shows.

For more than 170 years, the north London business has supplied outfits to major productions – including Titanic, Shakespeare In Love and The King’s Speech – and it is giving the public a rare opportunity to tread its boards, and rifle through its rails.

James Angel, 30, a sixth-generation costumier, says there are clothes from films spanning decades.

“There are some seriously iconic pieces of cinema in our warehouse, and I’ve seen people get very physically excited about what they find,” he says.

“You could see anything from

Captain America costumes to the period wear of Downton Abbey.

“We work on more than 100 projects each year, and have supplied costumes to 33 Best Costume Oscar-winning films, so the more of a film buff you are, the more you are going to get out of a visit, but it enthralls everyone.”

A 90-minute tour takes visitors through a staggering eight miles of rails and six million items.

And you had better keep your eyes peeled, lest you miss a famous face, sniffing around for their latest look.

“There’s always the chance you will bump into an actress or an actor having a fitting done,” Angel says. “You just never know.”

Even if you don’t spot a film hero, there could be some inspiration for an outfit to wear at another event that’s bound to rock your Easter socks off.

MORE LONG WEEKEND EVENTS ›› Le Beat Bespoke. Apr 5-8. Tickets from £14 299 Great Portland Street, W1W 5P0N Great Portland Street newuntouchables.com Angels The Costumiers runs tours twice a month, on selected days. £25 1 Garrick Road, NW9 6AA Hendon angels.uk.com

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CIRCUSFEST 2012 CAMDEN Escape the egghunting circus with a very different kind of spectacle. Contemporary groups from around the globe fill the Roundhouse for one month. With world and UK premieres, talks and films, the bill is packed with exciting performers. Over the Easter weekend, you’ll find Cirque Mandingue performing their energetic acrobatics and street dance to West African drumming and hip hop. Theatrical dancers Cirkus Cirkor (below) will also be there.

WATCH OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE GO HEAD TO HEAD THE THAMES

£18+

March 28-April 29 Chalk Farm Road, NW1 8EH Chalk Farm roundhouse.org.uk

Grab your spot along the Thames to catch a British institution in action. About 250,000 people will watch the universities’ rowing teams battle it out on the fourand-a-quarter-mile course between Putney and Mortlake, so get there early.

Watch the race on screens in Hammersmith’s Furnivall Gardens or Bishop’s Park in Fulham. Or spectate with a pint in hand from a pub such as Hammersmith’s Blue Anchor, where there’ll also be a South African braai.

FREE

THE BIG EGG HUNT AROUND LONDON This is the hunt to end them all – you could take home a flashy Faberge Diamond Jubilee egg worth more than £100,000. Get a map from Selfridges or the website, then start hunting out one of the 200 giant eggs hidden around London. The event is brought to you by the charities Elephant Family (responsible for all the painted elephants around the capital) and Action for Children. When you find an egg, text the keyword on the plaque to have a chance to win – the more you discover, the more chance you have of scooping the big one. And even if you don’t win, it’s still a brilliant excuse to explore the city. £3

Sat, Apr 7. 2.15pm theboatrace.org

Until Tues, Apr 3 thebigegghunt.co.uk

TORTURE GARDEN EASTER BALL BRIXTON

CATCH AN OPEN-AIR EASTER PLAY TRAFALGAR SQUARE

Snap on your latex (street clothes are banned) and head to Ministry of Sound for Easter’s installment from this renowned fetish club.

More than 100 actors – some on horseback – will perform the Lent classic Passion Of Jesus, which tells the traditional Easter story of Christ’s crucifixion. Flying back from playing Jesus in Perth, Australia, James Burke-Dunsmore will lead actors from Surrey’s Wintershall Players theatre group. They’re professionals at religious shows, having performed the passion plays every Easter for more than 20 years. It’ll all be held outside – in Trafalgar Square – and is guaranteed to be a big performance, drawing crowds from everywhere.

£27

BODY & SOUL HACKNEY Make the most of a having Monday off by partying through Sunday with New York party experts Body & Soul, who are returning to London for the day. The house-partystyle event, held at 2932 East is devoted to disco, techno, house, funk and soul. And there’s only one rule: have fun. £20

Sun, Apr 8. 4pm-12am 29-32 The Oval, E2 9DY Bethnal Green need2soul.com

10

Thurs, Apr 5. 10pm-6am Gaunt Street, SE1 6DP Elephant & Castle torturegarden.com

SWEETHEARTS: ARTIST COUPLES CENTRAL Check out an exhibition of pieces created by artist couples from around the world.

FREE

Until Apr 21. Mon-Fri 10am-6pm Pippy Houldsworth Gallery, 6 Heddon Street, W1B 4BT Piccadilly houldsworth.co.uk

FREE

Fri, Apr 6. 12pm and 3.15pm Trafalgar Square Charing Cross passionofjesus-trafalgar.co.uk

TAKE A MAYAN CHOCOLATE TRIP KEW Anyone with a sweet tooth should take a couple of hours out to learn about chocolate’s origins with a Mayan-themed trail around the Kew gardens.

Then get down to eating the sugary stuff with a Easter Sunday egg hunt. £13.90

Until Apr 15. 9.30am-6.30pm Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew, Richmond, TW9 3AB Kew Gardens kew.org

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GET CROSS CAMBERWELL

JOIN A CHRISTATHON ACROSS LONDON

Sick of chocolate?

Hit The Crooked Well in Camberwell (it’s Florence Welch’s local, by the way) for a special Easter bread and butter pudding made with hot cross buns.

Easter makes one fine excuse to dress up like Jesus and wobble from one biblically named pub to another – especially as it’s all in the name of charity. You choose the price of the donation to turn up to this holier-than-holy pubcrawl-cum-flash-mob. The day starts at The Trinity on Borough High Street and after that you’ll taste the barrels of pubs such as St Christopher’s Inn, down the same road, and The Angel and Crown, near Trafalgar Square. If the Christs are still walking, they’ll drink their last pints at Whitehall’s Silver Cross. £1+

£11

Easter weekend. Lunch 12.30230pm; dinner 6.30pm-10pm 16 Grove Lane, SE5 8SY Denmark Hill thecrookedwell.com

TOUR OF LORD’S CRICKET GROUND ST JOHN’S WOOD Let a clued-up guide show you around the renowned cricket ground, which holds hundreds of years of the sport’s history. You’ll get to marvel at the legendary Ashes urn, shirts of greats such as Glenn McGrath in the Long Room and view the wicket close up. £30

Throughout Easter, excluding Sun. 10am, 12pm and 2pm St John’s Wood Road, NW8 8QN St John’s Wood buyagift.co.uk

2020 VISION EASTER SPECIAL SHOREDITCH Noticed the graffitislathered Jubilee line carriages on a roof in Shoreditch? Underneath, is Village Underground in a renovated Victorian warehouse space. When it’s not hosting live art, theatre and exhibitions, it’s home to some serious clubnights.

And this Easter Sunday, it’s just the spot to make the most of having the Monday off work, with 2020 Recordings’ latest offering of greats and new acts. And you’ll need the day off after the full-on techno rave with DJs Sebo K, Ralph Lawson and Greek producer And.Id, plus newbie UK purveyor of garage, Huxley.

Photos: richardisaac.co.uk; Getty;

£15

Sun, Apr 8. 6pm-6am 54 Holywell Lane, EC2A 3PQ Liverpool Street villageunderground.co.uk

NINE HOURS OF NON-STOP ELECTRO VAUXHALL

Sun, Apr 8. 2.30pm 202-206 Borough High Street, SE1 1JX Borough koobaradio.co.uk

LINDT BUNNY HUNT SOUTHWARK Get up early for your ultimate Swiss chocolate fix – and you can forget egg hunts. This one’s all about Lindt bunnies, which can only taste better when you’ve had to look for them. If you’re game for some craft, try fashioning your own bonnet while you’re there.

FREE

Erol Alkan’s Easter club night at Fire gets bigger every year.

A nine-hour marathon of vintage disco and boundarypushing techno will provide the soundtrack to your epic night. Party on. £12

Thurs, April 5. 10pm-6am 38-42 Parry Street, SW8 1RT Vauxhall erolalkan.co.uk

THE CRECHE EASTER REUNION BRICK LANE

Sat, Apr 7. 10am Tooley Street, SE1 2NN London Bridge lindt.com

BRITISH DESIGN KENSINGTON

ANIMAL INSIDE OUT KENSINGTON

No, not that kind of creche. This one’s for adults, and it’s soundtracked

by No Name Djs. Head to The Brickhouse at the Old Truman Brewery for a night of house, disco and techno.

Featuring British design since the Second World War, including Zaha Hadid’s Aquatics Centre for the London 2012 Olympics.

This exhibition opens on Good Friday at the Natural History Museum. Animal Inside Out lets you see how things work inside the bodies of nature’s greats – from giraffes to ostriches.

Sun, Apr 8. 3.30pm-2am 152c Brick Lane, E1 6RU Liverpool Street thebrickhouse.co.uk

Mar 31-Aug 12.10am-5.45pm Cromwell Road, SW7 2RL South Kensington vam.ac.uk

Apr 6-Sep 16. 10am-5.50pm Cromwell Road, SW7 5BD South Kensington nhm.ac.uk

£10

£13.50

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London’s best-kept secret is the city farms – there is one in Hackney, Spitalfields and Mudchute, near Canary Wharf. Mudchute Farm is quite surreal, with pigs and cows grazing against a backdrop of high-rise buildings.

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When I want to chill out London Fields in Hackney is great on a warm day. I also like to go to Leila’s Shop, a delicatessen near Shoreditch High St and Albert Circus. It has quality food and really does feel like you’re in someone’s kitchen.

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NER WIaN o v urite F st Middle Ear Operato As voted by you!

My favourite place for a drink is On Broadway Pub in north London.

The most interesting person I’ve met is Guy Connelly and the other guys from the band Clock Opera. We had an interesting conversation about memory and how they write their music using household sounds such as washing machines.

When you’re hungover in London a good fry-up is the cure.

What gets me up in the morning is a proper coffee – preferably from Climpson And Son on Broadway Market. And wondering whether I’ll have time for any breakfast.

My perfect weekend would consist of playing a gig with my band on Friday night, then recovery on Saturday with a sleep-in and, later, a tasty meal with close friends. The weekend would include walking around markets such as Columbia Road Flower Market or my local Chatsworth Road Market and a little bit of vintage shopping in Brick Lane, too. If I can fit in a Sunday roast, that would make it really perfect.

The last naughty thing I did was eating loads of cupcakes at a fashion event (Fifi Loves Juicy) and even taking some home in my handbag. Not really that naughty, but it felt that way, surrounded by fashion types who don’t seem to eat anything!

christavi.com / Your Heart EP is out March 26 12

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Photo: Boberika

Five words that sum up London ... buzz, drizzle, history, queues, exhilarating.

trips for 18 to 30 somethings L8291 / Y2992

www.topdeck.travel

*Terms & Conditions apply. Flights not included. Egypt trip price includes local payment based on $1 = £0.64, which must be paid locally in USD. Morocco local payment must be paid locally in GBP. Exchange rates correct at time of printing, and subject to currency fluctuations, depending when payment is made. Discount taken from the trip price and doesn’t include local payments. Subject to availability.

16/3/12 13:00:37

ANGLO PACIFIC SHIPPING & TAX 30th Anniversary OVER 500,000 SATISFIED CUSTOMERS HAVE ALREADY TRUSTED THEIR POSSESSIONS TO ANGLO PACIFIC, LONDON’S LEADING SHIPPERS EXCESS BAGGAGE > Free supply of tea cartons and bubble > Free delivery/collection within M25 > By sea/air/road worldwide > Money Back Guarantee HOUSEHOLD REMOVALS > Free home survey, no obligation > Packed by skilled professionals > Shared or exclusive containers > Motor car/bike specialist shippers TAX REBATES > Average refund £963 secured last year > Online Tax Pack, only 10% commission MONEY TRANSFERS > Competitive exchange rates FINANCIAL PROTECTION > Bonded by the British Association of Removers > Bonded by the Association of Tax Agents > FIDI Accredited International Mover

www.anglopacific.co.uk SO BEFORE YOU CHECK OUT OF EUROPE CHECK OUT ANGLO PACIFIC

FREEPHONE 0800 151 3511 Anglo Pacific International Plc, 5/9 Willen Field Road, Park Royal, London, NW10 7BQ Email: baggage@anglopacific.co.uk Hours: Mon-Fri 8.30am - 6.00pm Sat 9am-1pm

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LONDONDRINKS

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DUKE’S HEAT

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Duke’s Heat: fit for a queen

BAR THE SCENE I imagine Her Maj would rather approve of the recent makeover at this long-established riverside haunt. The decorators came in, after all, with view to sprucing it up in time for the Diamond Jubilee, and the resulting look is evocative of a time when the monarchy was all-powerful. The bar and adjoining Coxswain dining room are wrapped in vintage etched glass, fittings are washed with a duck-egg blue, and muslin drapes conceal floor-to-ceiling sash windows. Come April, when the Oxford v Cambridge boat race tears past, expect the place to be bursting with rowdy punters. For now, the atmosphere is pleasant, if not refined – particularly in the dining room, with its fabric sofas and mismatched chairs.

Boating memorabilia adorns the walls in a nod to the venue’s previous incarnation as a maritime clubhouse.

THE GRUB Bar snacks, namely swollen black pudding Scotch eggs, sausage rolls, plus quaint treats such as quail eggs, cockles and whelks. The venison stew special is tender and cooked to homestyle perfection. Portions are generous.

BEHIND THE BAR Draft cask ales, include Young’s Pale Ale and London Gold. There’s a healthy selection of whites, rosés and reds, too.

BILL PLEASE Pints from £3.40; wine from £4.10 a glass; snacks from £3; mains £10.50.

VERDICT A pleasant way to enjoy some prime river real esate. REBECCA KENT

Lower Richmond Road, SW15 1JN

3 OF THE BEST SWEET TREATS

dukesheadputney.co.uk

Putney Bridge

SOHO BUNS AT GAIL’S BAKERY

PAUL A YOUNG’S BROWNIES

CHELSEA BUNS AT THE CHELSEA BUN

The new Soho bun – at just 70p – is a velvety, doughy indulgence made with cream and stuffed full of chocolate chunks. And it’s only available at their new bakery on Wardour Street.

These might just be the best chocolate brownies in London. They’re the perfect consistency – decadently gooey, but don’t fall apart in your hands. Find stores in Islington, Bank and Soho.

If you’re after something a bit more traditional, opt for London’s most famous bun and a cuppa. This place has been open, on Lamont Road in Chelsea, for 24 years, which says a lot.

gailsbread.co.uk

paulayoung.co.uk

chelseabun.co.uk

BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE Hospitality for London Broncos v Wakefield Trinity Wildcats, 31st March at Twickenham Stoop, from just £40 per person. To book call 02084 106 059 LONDON’S ONLY SUPER LEAGUE CLUB

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BITE SIZE

Suda: a chic spot serving fresh cuisine

SALTED CARAMEL COFFEE We’ve all tried salted caramel chocolate, but salted caramel coffee?

As bizarre as it sounds, the new flavour that Cherizena has added to its arsenal of speciality blends is good.

Really good. The tasty drink provides that much-needed rich afternoon sugar kick, with a zingy twist of salt. It comes as beans or ground, and regular or decaf at £3 for a 125g bag – a scrumptious saving on takeaway coffee. cherizena.co.uk

XOYO’S NEW CAFE-BAR Hot east London club XOYO presents its mature older brother, XO – a new chilled-out cafe, gallery and bar opening on the club’s top floor.

During the day, it’ll serve fresh London Ground coffee, pastries and artisan sarnies, alongside the daily papers and a selection of books. Behind the bar you’ll find craft bottled and draught beers sourced from London breweries.

By night, you’ll be entertained with comedy, short films and live music. xoyo.co.uk

A SPANISH TWIST Ditch your weekend fry-up and get over your hangover the Spanish way.

Westfield’s Tapas Revolution has a new breakfast menu, which will quell your appetite for foreign climes for at least a morning. From 10am-12.30pm, try ‘the full Spanglish’ with chorizo, patatas bravas, fried eggs, pancetta, piquillo peppers and sourdough toast, £6.25; broken eggs, with chorizo and potatoes for £3.50; or a helping of churros con chocolate for £2.95. Delish. tapasrevolution.com

SUDA THAI THE SCENE Suda’s proclamation that it’s a ‘Siamese rice bar’ might seem a bit tryhard – perhaps ‘Thai restaurant’ doesn’t sound edgy enough? – but inside it’s actually a relaxed affair. The black and pale-wood decor is chic, but not intimidating, and the service is unfailingly friendly. Take a seat upstairs for a view over Covent Garden’s posh St Martin’s Courtyard, and smile at the incongruous wooden animals – all of them grinning goofily – that decorate each table.

THE GRUB There’s an insane amount of choice at Suda that could keep you ‘umming’ and ‘aahing’ for days. My date and I finally plump for a few sharing plates to start, and are particularly impressed by the barbecue pork som tum. The meat is tender, the barbecue sauce all at once spicy and sweet, and the accompanying som tum – made with papaya, fish sauce and lime – has the jarring effect of refreshing the mouth, as well as setting the tongue a-tingling. To our elation, the mains measure up. Yellow lamb curry possesses an earthy sweetness without being sickly, and the cuts of lamb are a dark-pink inside – no chewy hunks or gristle here. Sizzling sea bass with kaffir lime leaves and red curry sauce is richer, but still packs a creeping heat. Most impressive is that these curries stay true to the light, fresh feel of authentic Thai food, rather than taking the glutinous/ oily route that tends to accompany Asian cuisine cooked in UK kitchens. We end on a bowl of sticky rice served with coconut ice cream, and it’s a fitting close to a delicious meal. The chewy rice alongside the creamy scoops makes for a dangerously moreish sensation.

BEHIND THE BAR Creative cocktails with a Thai spin. Go for the Butterfly Kiss; the delicate lychee flavour belies a potent mix of vodka and rum.

BILL PLEASE Sharing plates from £4.50, mains from £7.50-£9.50, desserts from £3.50, and a wealth of vegetarian options from £4.50. Cocktails start at £7.45.

VERDICT An Asian feast that leaves you feeling light – amazing. LAURA CHUBB

23 Slingsby Place, St Martin’s Courtyard, WC2E 9AB

suda-thai.com

Covent Garden

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So, Peter Pan can gather a child army and that’s fine. But when Ugandan war leader Joespeh Kony does it ...

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Some tourists are beyond help LAst week I Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it – literally one minute later.

Rueben “It’s a boy!” I shouted ... as I sprinted from the Thai brothel.

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Just saw the story on tntmagazine.com about an Aussie beer company (who can’t spell beer) and its plans to create a men-only island retreat.

Apparently that concept is desired by every young, red-blooded, beer-drinking male around. Blue oceans, white-sand beaches, palm trees, a bunch of blokes and not a bronzed babe in a bikini anywhere to be seen? Give me a break. That doesn’t sound gay at all.

Enjoy your drinks, boys.

James Ashton, via emal

I used to be editor of TNT 20 years ago, so I know London very well. London is dirty, noisy, expensive and crime ridden with too many foreigners. Even the waiters don’t speak English any more. The best is the road out of it to calmer climes like the Cotswolds or Cornwall.

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C’MON KENNY BOY Re: who should be mayor of London? (tntmagazine.com) Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken! Mayor of London should only have one job – being Mayor of London, not a columnist as well! Also 7 percent savings on public transport under Ken. Tory Boris Johnson keeps on putting fares up.

Oliver Taylor, via Facebook

A HOT TOPIC Sad to see the homeless wifi idea in New York has been axed. I was hoping it would come to London.

It would give this often nameless, faceless, group a better profile in society and keep them in touch with technology. If they are up for it, it shoud go ahead.

I know my local homeless man, George. Good guy, just fallen hard.

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YOUR TWEETS Tweet us @tntmagazine @Qwayla_Qwistine: I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it? @MrFornicator: Racism is for lazy people who don’t take the time to learn enough about someone to dislike them for a much better reason. @luiki89: God loves me but I’m not really looking for anything serious.

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Clint Heine: Katy Price, Mum of the Year?! And to think it’s the second time she’s won.... the epitome of what’s wrong with this country.

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Am about to plan a weekend trip in summer :) Rebecca Clarke: London rickshaws are awesome and are really a great experience. But I can see how they may be a pest to drivers

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Sure, tourists do plenty of annoying things – huge suitcases on the Tube, not moving with the crowd, those Abbey Road photos – but many locals do them, too. We’ve all been tourists in other cities.

It’s difficult when you don’t know a new place’s ‘rules’. So you could stand behind someone in the Oyster line and sigh as they try to work out the machine – or you could offer to help, and save everyone a lot of time!

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LONDON

HAMMERSMITH APOLLO SAT 9 JUNE 1pm & 4:30pm SUN 10 JUNE 1pm & 2pm

For tickets call Ticketmaster: 08448 444 748, HMV Tickets: 08432 210 100 or visit venues.meanfiddler.com/apollo/ Š 2012 The Wiggles Pty Ltd. Individual artists may be substituted.

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LONDON BRONCOS V CASTLEFORD TIGERS Twickenham Stoop, London Saturday, March 10 Photos by: Chiarra Palazzo / TNT Images

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LONDONSOUND

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The new studio was smaller than expected

festival

watch

ROCKNESS

THE SHINS The Forum, 9-17 Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY MAR 22-23 | DOORS AT 7PM | £20

June 8-10. Loch Ness, Scotland. £159+ rockness.co.uk

Voted best small festival at the NME awards two years in a row, this rockand indie-tastic event has a prime location – the Scottish Highlands – and a line-up to match, including Justice, Deadmau5, the Mumfords, Friendly Fires, The View and Sunday headliners Biffy Clyro (pictured).

Throw in the new Rockness Express package (VIP ticket and a party train from London to Inverness) and you can see that NMEaccolade is deserved.

“This band will change your life”, said Natalie Portman’s character to Zach Braff’s medicated loner in the latter’s directorial debut Garden State. Quite a feat for any band to achieve, let alone a modest indie-rock group from the US Pacific Northwest. But this Portland foursome have, in the space of four records, done just that for so many.

The Shins emerged as a side project for James Mercer (above left) in the late Nineties, a semi-acoustic group who played low-key music – low on self-obsession and big on hooks, emotion and honesty. With the release of their debut album, Oh, Inverted World (and their prominent featuring in the above 2004 indie movie), they quickly gained fans and fame and became less just a component of the Portland scene and more its Sub Pop-signed flagwavers, the record’s runaway single, New Slang, becoming an indie-pop anthem to add to the bargain.

The two albums that followed – 2003’s Chutes Too Narrow and 2007’s Wincing The Night Away – helped the band cement their sound and grow steadily, both in songwriting ambition and global recognition. Upcoming fourth album, Port Of Morrow, continues their development, with lead single Simple Song just that – a gloriously infectious, uplifting, singalong slice of pop perfection.

It’s been five years since their last UK shows, with Mercer preoccupied with his Broken Bells side project with Danger Mouse, so these twin gigs will see the band return as triumphant kings.

Kentish Town

FINAL 1490 Lon Sound.indd 20

venues.meanfiddler.com/the-forum

16/3/12 10:58:07

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NEW BAND

KORN GIG SUN, MAR 25. 7.30PM £32

To some, Korn started nu-metal, combining rap and rock all the way to mainstream success. To others, they just continued the path started by the likes of Aerosmith and Run DMC. To the band themselves, as recent interviews revealed, they were doing dubstep before there was such a thing. Go figure.

Photos: Getty

Brixton Academy 211 Stockwell Road, SW9 9SL Brixton o2academybrixton.co.uk

SUNDAY BEST PRESENTS: COWBOYS AND INDIANS

QUEEN OF HOXTON’S 3RD BIRTHDAY BASH

CLUB

CLUB

SAT, MAR 24. 10PM-5AM £10

SAT, MAR 24. 8PM-4AM £5

Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs, Drums of Death, Krystal Klear and Rob da Bank are just a handful of stars at the launch of the Sunday Best crew’s new night at this two-floor Peckham warehouse. There’s a cowboy and Indians theme, which is guaranteed to get weirder and weirder as the morning advances.

To celebrate three years since their doors first opened, the Queen of Hoxton is throwing this bountiful bash. Special guest electro-star Boy 8-Bit will hit the decks, as will Grum, Kry Wolf, Eleven 27 and more, with pop-up performance art from The People Pile, and acoustic acts on the roof. Happy birthday, your majesty.

The Bussey Building Block A133 Rye Lane, SE15 3ST Peckham Rye sundaybest.net

Queen of Hoxton 1 Curtain Road, Shoreditch, EC2A 3JX Liverpool Street queenofhoxton.com

WU LYF

NERO AFTERSHOW PARTY

POP WILL EAT ITSELF

GIG

CLUB

GIG

MAR 21-22. 7.30PM £12.50

SAT, MAR 24. 10PM-6AM £10

FRI, MAR 23. 6.30PM £18

World Unite! Manchester’s conventional-nameavoiders, who until recently prided anonymity over all else, scarcely giving interviews, take their stunningly primal, percussive and yelpingly heartfelt debut, Go Tell Fire To The Mountain, out on the road. Believe the hype, this lot are going to stun!

The dubstep-drum’n’bass duo head up the road from their sell-out shows at the Academy to this revamped venue for an aftershow party that features DJ sets from themselves as well as Zane Lowe (above, who was here last month for the Skrillex afterparty), Delta Heavy, Chasing Shadows, Millions Like Us and Pete Jordan.

Pioneers who peaked too early, this electrodance rock outfit hit the scene at the tail end of the Eighties with a sound that The Prodigy would later take global. For poor PWEI, though, who turn the clock back with this Camden show, a handful of albums and singles and cult status was their reward for being ahead of the curve.

Heaven Under The Arches, WC2N 6NG Embankment heaven-live-co.uk

Electric Brixton Town Hall Parade, SW2 1RJ Brixton electricbrixton.com

Electric Ballroom 184 Camden High St, NW1 8QP Camden Town electric-ballroom.co.uk

THE WILD MERCURY SOUND THE BUZZ SO FAR It’s moody indie with rugged grungy edges for this band of teens who bely their youthful years. Think solid, sturdy and compelling indie rock in which heartfelt choruses, Benji Compston’s emotive voice and chunky, bouncing riffs jostle for pole position. Relentless touring has made this foursome’s debut album, due later this year, a compelling proposition.

THE CRITICS SAY “Sentiment, tactile lyrics, and freshly crafted chords enthused within firmly driven sounds.” RingMasterReview.co.uk THE PLUG Single Slow is out Mar 26 through Cartoon Records.

At Lexington, Mar 21. £6 96-98 Pentonville Road, N1 9JB Angel thelexington.co.uk

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CLUBLISTINGS

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MONDAY 19 Cuban Hideaway DJ Rich plays Latin, house, funk and R‘n’B. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 t). 9.40pm-late. £7.

Vibe DJs on rotation including Anas, Spider, Prezedent, Ice, Commander B, Pioneer and DJ L spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, funky house, garage, bashment and reggae.

Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/cc 020 7287 3727).

10pm-3am. £7, w/flyer £5 before midnight, free before 11.30pm.

BOOK NOW!

I Love Mondays DJ Victor spins commercial dance, disco, pop, garage, R‘n’B and funky house.

Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/cc 020 7287 3727).

10pm-3.30am. £5, w/flyer £3, NUS £1.50.

Xxtra Terry-James Lynch hosts a night of house, electro and pop, plus fashion. The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988).

10pm-3am. £5, free before 11pm.

Monday Madness DJs Bruno and Jimmy Jam spin pop and carnival classics. Walkabout, Temple Place, WC2R 2PH (020 7054 8033). 8pmmidnight. £5, free before 8pm.

Popcorn Jonesey, Harvey Adam, Jamie Hammond and Terry T-Rex provide dance, electro, R‘n’B, pop and hip-hop. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). 11pm-5.30am. £8.

Rehab DJ Haley, Zoe Demonette, Dan Udy and Malarky supply indie, electro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/ w/flyer £3, mems £1 before 10.30pm.

Service Industry Night DJ Colin Russell and Donald Sweeneey spin R‘n’B, hip-hop and chart. Rumba, Shaftesbury Ave, W1D 7EP (020 7287 2715).

9pm-3am. £10, free before 11pm.

Tins On Toast Indie, pop, electro and dance from Steve Harris, Liam Young, Ed Wilder from Club NME and Bandangos.

The Purple Turtle, Crowndale Rd, NW1 1TN (020 7383 4976).

7pm-late. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3.

TUESDAY 20 Bingo Night DJs spin indie, plus Mr David Nottingham hosts bingo.

The George Tavern, Commercial Rd, E1 0LA (020 7790 7335).

8.30pm-midnight. Free.

Jamm Sandwich Eddie Pillar, Arthur Baker and Lascelle Gordon spin pop, hip-hop, R‘n’B and dance hits. The Purple Turtle, Crowndale Rd, NW1 1TN (020 7383 4976).

6.30pm-late. £5, £3 guestlist.

Panic Max Panic, Gaz Panic and That Perfect Fumble spin indie, electro, retro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098).

10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, w/flyer free before 10.30pm.

Pink Tuesdays Freight Train spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, soul, funk and electro. Mother Bar, Old St, EC1V 9LE (020 7739 5949). 10pm-3am. Free.

Ruby Tuesdays Pop, R‘n’B and 1980s from Sandra D and Joe Grohl. Ku Bar, Lisle St, WC2H 7BA (020 7437 4303). 9pm-late. Free.

The Tuesday Night Project DJ Julio Bravo spins chart, party, dance and R‘n’B. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040). 9pm-3am. Free.

White Heat DJs Matty, Olly and Marcus spin electro, techno and indie. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040).

10.30pm-3am. £5, concs/flyer £4.

22

Yoyo DJs Seb Chew and Leo Greenslade spin hip-hop, dubstep, garage and grime, plus a live performance from XO Man. Notting Hill Arts Club, Notting Hill Gate, W11 3JQ (020 7460 4459). 7pm-2am. £7, £5 before 11pm, guest list only.

SLAM – UP ON THE ROOF Brixton Clubhouse, Fri, April 6. £10 The summer launch of Brixton Clubhouse’s roof terrace features none other than Scottish techno legends Slam, in a rare non-Fabric London gig.

SW9 8HH

Brixton

brixtonclubhouse.com

WEDNESDAY 21 Back To My Roots Paul Trouble Anderson spins 1970s to 1990s jazz, funk, hip-hop, disco and R‘n’B. Zen Sai, Inverness St, NW1 7HJ (020 7424 9527). 9pm-2am. Free.

Cheapskates Old school hip-hop, electro and disco courtesy of DJ Downfall. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 9pm-3.30am. £6.50, NUS £5.50, w/flyer £4.50.

Dance Nights Princess Karina and DJ Gary Baldi spin dance hits. EC3 Live, Crosswall, EC3N 2JY (020 7488 1766). 11.30pm-3am. £10.

Death2Disco DJs Danny Watson and Nigel Thomas spin rock, punk and indie, plus The Savage Nomads and Palms perform live.

Notting Hill Arts Club, Notting Hill Gate, W11 3JQ (020 7460 4459).

7pm-2am. £3, free before 11pm.

Madd Raff Wednesdays Joe Grime and Part 2 Style spin hip-hop, reggae and Jamaican beats.

The Social, Little Portland St, W1W 7JD (020 7636 4992). 7pm-1am. £5, free before 9pm, £3 before 11pm.

N*A*S*I*N SoniX, Brahim and Punk Gareth play punk, rock, metal and ska. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). 11pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £4, NUS £3, mems £2.

The Players’ After Party Sam Young, Hugo Heathcote, James Park and Sacha Bahlsen spin house, electro and rock.

IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). 9pm-late. £17.50.

Roda De Samba DJ Limao spins Latin, house and soul, plus Cobre Verde performs live. Guanabara, Parker St, WC2B 5PW (020 7242 8600).

5pm-late. £5, free before 9pm.

Stripped Back Soul Resident DJs play Motown and soul. The Blues Kitchen, Camden High St, NW1 7JN (020 7387 5277). 7pm-1am. Free.

Trannyoke Lady Lloyd hosts a night of transsexual karaoke, plus DJ Matt spins pop and dance.

Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040). 9pm-3am. Free.

Trannyshack Miss Dusty O, Tasty Tim and Lady Lloyd spin commercial dance and pop.

Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 10pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £3, free before midnight.

THURSDAY 22 Bad Sex Resident DJs spin electro and indie, plus a live performance from Port Erin. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867).

7.30pm-2.30am. £5, NUS £3.

Bete Noire DJ Lucifer Box spins vintage swing, jazz and R‘n’B, plus burlesque performances, with host Ophelia Bitz. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 8pm-3am. £10, adv £5, free before 10.30pm.

Cheezy Thursdays DJs Watty Jnr, Real People, Jazzy G, Doctor B and Sir Lloyd spin pop, retro, rock ‘n’ roll and dance hits.

Porky’s Wine Bar, Sternhold Ave, SW2 4PA (020 8671 3424). 9pm2am. £5, free before midnight.

Fuel Thursdays DJ Melody Kane spins house, funk, soul and urban beats. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453).

10pm-2am. £10, adv £5.

Latin Krazy DJs spin salsa, merengue, bachata and reggaeton, plus salsa dance lessons. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277).

6pm-2am. £4, free before 9pm.

QueerlyOut DJ Robby D spins commercial dance, pop and R‘n’B. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040).

9pm-3am. £5, £3, free before 9pm.

Radio The Radio DJs play 1980s pop, indie and disco. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, free before 10pm.

Roller Disco Funk and disco for a wheeled audience.

Renaissance Rooms, opposite Arch 8, Arches, Miles St, SW8 1RZ (0844 736 5375). 8pm-midnight. £10 inc skates, £7.50 w/own skates, NUS £6 inc skates.

FRIDAY 23 Bedrock DJs Little Chris and George spin indie, rock, retro and pop. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). 11pm-4am. £7, w/flyer £5 before midnight.

Calentito Pop, R‘n’B and soul.

Salvador And Amanda, Great Newport St, WC2H 7JA (020 7240 1551). 9pm3am. £10, free before 9pm, guestlist £5.

Dance Rocks House, R‘n’B, chart, indie and 1980s and 1990s hits.

The Watershed, The Broadway, SW19 1SD (020 8540 0080).

11pm-3am. £8, £5 before midnight.

Fabulush DJ Fran Ares spins dance anthems, house and electro, plus residents Slavs II House, Ady Twiner and Max Hughes. Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR (0845 371 4489).

11pm-late. £20, adv £10.

Kompakt House, techno and pop from Robag Wruhme, Sascha Funke, Terranova and Matt Sawyer in room one, and Matias Aguayo, Alejandro Paz and Auntie Flo in room two, with visuals from Okinawa 69 and Matt Sawyer.

Corsica Studios, Elephant Rd, SE17 1LB (020 7703 4760). 10pm-6am. £12-£15.

Love Hate DJs Randomer, Swindle, Maribou State, TOYC, Widowmaker, Teeza, Orgy Banton, Nick James, Legaspi, Throwing Snow, Guy Andrews, El Kid and Azonica spin dubstep, electronica, house and drum ‘n’ bass across two rooms.

Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111).

10pm-6am. £10, adv £8.

One Kiss DJs Krisis and Melody Kane spin house, mash-ups, electro, R‘n’B, hip-hop and commercial dance. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453). 10pm-3am. £10, £5 before 11pm, ladies free before 11.30pm.

Release 11 DJ Cydetrack Sebilio spins hip-hop, funk, Latin and R‘n’B, plus live performances from FUR, Harare and Tankus The Henge. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/cc 020 7274 5537).

10pm-4am. £10, adv £7.

Tales Of The Unexpected DJs Dixon Brothers And Friends spin electro, rock and swing, plus burlesque and cabaret performances. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867).

7.30pm-2.30am. £10, £8 before 9pm, w/flyer £5 before 9pm.

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SATURDAY 24 Absent Kelly Presents DJ sets from The Wombats and The Mystery Jets plus XFM DJs supply indie, and live music from Holy Coves, The Isis, Sunday Recovery, The Blueberries, Tom Price-Stevens and Doug Hayman. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). 7pm-4am. £11.50.

BBM Me Presents The Loose Cannons spin electro, pop and dance. The Hoxton Pony, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3AH (020 7613 2844). 8pm-2am. £10, concs £7, free before 9pm.

Latin Passion Victor Hugo & The Mambo Boys and Jorge Andre play Latin beats. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277).

6pm-2am. £10, £8 before 11pm, £4 before 9pm, £2 before 8pm.

Northern Soul All-Nighter DJs Butch, Ady Croasdell and Joel Maslin spin Northern Soul.

100 Club, Oxford St, W1D 1LL (020 7636 0933). 10pm-6am. £12.

Pishter Presents DJs Biji And Denia, Charlotte Michelle, Martin Haberland, Pete Cosby and Michal spin house and techno, plus a live performance from Desmod.

229 The Venue, Great Portland St, W1W 5PW (020 7323 7229).

7pm-3am. £20, adv £15.

Ride Cat Lovers, Kashli and Filthy Few spin indie, electro and house, plus Automation perform live.

Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867). 7.30pm-2.30am. £10.

Submit Drum ‘n’ bass and dubstep courtesy of Icicle, Blu Mar Ten, Soap Dodgers, Amsten and Vaider. Plan B, Brixton Rd, SW9 7AY (020 7737 7372).

10pm-6am. £10, NUS £8, adv £6.

We Are One DJs Krisis and DJ Flex spin house, mash-ups, electro, dance anthems, R‘n’B, hip-hop and commercial dance. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453).

10pm-3am. £10, £5 before 11pm, ladies free before 11.30pm.

SUNDAY 25 Can’t Stop Won’t Stop Mark Radford, Maximus, Lee Edwards and Roch-Mix-Hard spin house and techno. Club Aquarium, Old St, EC1V 9DD (020 7251 6136).

11pm-6am. £15, £10 before midnight, ladies free before midnight.

ElectronicSessions Debut Party DJ Guy J and residents spin house.

Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 3pm-11pm. Free.

Orange The Oli, Paul Martin and The Sharp Boys spin house in room one, while Gonzola Rivas, David Jiminez and Hi Fi Sean provide minimal techno and tech-house in room two. Fire, South Lambeth Rd, SW8 1UQ (020 7582 9890).

11pm-9am. £12, £10 before midnight, w/flyer £6 before midnight, adv £8.

WetYourSelf! Roman Flugel, Cormac, Peter Pixzel and Jacob Husley spin electro, house and techno. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898).

11pm-6am. £10, NUS £7, adv £5.

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FINAL 1490 Club Listings.indd 22

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MONDAY 19 The Civil Wars Americana, country and folk by the Nashville-based combo. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £16.

John Otway The surreal cult singer-songwriter performs with his band. The Betsey Trotwood, Farringdon Rd, EC1R 3BL (020 7253 4285). £12, adv £10.

BOOK NOW!

The Shins The Albuquerquebased indie-rockers perform songs from the album Port Of Morrow. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7344 0044). £20.

Flash Fiktion, Fanny Games The London-based band plays ecstatic indie-pop with electronic influences. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £6.

Tom Williams And The Boat, Piney Gir, Binko Swink Dark indie-rock by the London-based singer-songwriter and band.

Bull And Gate, Kentish Town Rd, NW5 2TJ (020 7704 0187). £6.

Moe The band plays prog rock.

O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £15.

Janet Seidel Trio The Australian jazz vocalist leads her ensemble.

The Pheasantry, Kings Rd, SW3 4UT (020 7351 5031). £20.

Spiritualized Jason Pierce leads his outfit in creating epic, experimental soundscapes rooted in psychedelic pop and space rock.

Hackney Empire, Mare St, E8 1EJ (020 8985 2424). £25, adv £22.50.

Sting: Back To Bass Tour The Grammy Award-winning pop singer-songwriter performs his hits and celebrates his 25th anniversary as a solo performer.

HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £36.50-£76.50.

Paul Weller The singer-songwriter and former frontman of The Jam and The Style Council plays songs from his new album Sonik Kicks.

Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). £38.50.

TUESDAY 20 The Band Perry Country-pop three-piece from Mississippi.

King’s College London Students’ Union, Macadam Building, Surrey St, WC2R 2NS (020 7848 1588). £15.

FRIDAY 23

RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS Knebworth Park. Sat, 23 June. £23 The masters of funk return to the UK for two summer shows, to thrash out latest album I’m With You and staples like Under The Bridge and By The Way.

Hertfordshire, SG3 6PY

WEDNESDAY 21 Broken Records The Edinburghbased outfit plays alt folk-rock.

Bull And Gate, Kentish Town Rd, NW5 2TJ (020 7704 0187). £8.

Dispatch Indie-rock and jam band from Vermont. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/cc 0844 477 2000). £17.50.

Elvis Jackson, Drop Bear, Filthy Nights, We Used To Make Things Slovenian punk-rock and ska fourpiece. The Purple Turtle, Crowndale Rd, NW1 1TN (020 7383 4976). £6.

The Graveltones, One Man Destruction Show The Londonbased band plays garage-rock and blues. Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). £6.

Ceremony Hardcore punk by the California-based band. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £11.50.

The James Cleaver Quintet And The Safety Fire The Eastbourne and Ashford-based outfit plays indie-punk and hardcore and the London-based band plays prog metal. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £8.

The Cesarians, Nick Marsh And Kathryn Blake Alt rock from the London-based sevenpiece. Floridita, Wardour St, W1F 0TN (020 7314 4042). £10-£25.

Kosmos Ensemble Traditional and gypsy folk from the London and South East-based three-piece.

The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £10.

The Felice Brothers, Craig Finn The New York-based five-piece plays folk-rock.

Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £15.

Jon Mueller Experimental and improvised music by the American percussionist. Cafe Oto, Ashwin St, E8 3DL (020 7923 1231). £10, adv £8.

Talib Kweli Hip-hop by the New York-based singer. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7344 0044). £23.50 & £40.

Rosie-Marie The singer and actress performs powerful dance-driven pop. Leicester Square Theatre, Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX (0844 873 3433). £22.50.

Stevenage

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Yossarian, Damn Vandals, El Rio!, Voodoo Child Rock and alt pop outfit. Dublin Castle, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 8806 2668). £6, concs £4.50.

THURSDAY 22 Anchorsong Electronica from the London-based producer and musician. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). £15, adv £9.50.

Annbjorg Lien Band Folk and world by the Norwegian outfit.

Kings Place, York Way, N1 9AG (020 7520 1490). £12.50, adv £9.50.

Deviants, Del Bromham Writer Mick Farren reforms his 1960s psychedelic rock band. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £15.50.

Enter Shikari The awardwinning St Albans-based four-piece play energised electronic post-hardcore.

HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £20.

Gren Bartley Folk-blues and Americana by the singer-guitarist.

The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £7.

JLS: The 4th Dimension Tour The award-winning four-piece plays chart-topping pop and R‘n’B from their album Jukebox. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £25 & £33.50.

Los Campesinos! The Cardiffbased band plays indie-pop in support of the album Hello Sadness. Electric Ballroom, Camden High St, NW1 8QP (020 7485 9006). £13.50.

K-CI And Jojo R‘n’B by brothers Cedric and Joel Hailey from Charlotte, North Carolina.

IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). £20-£40.

Copacabana Club, Native Tongue, Safari The Brazilian outfit plays lively dance-rock and indie. Hoxton Square Bar And Kitchen, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7613 0709). £5.

Matt Lonsdale Pop singersongwriter from Thurnby, Leicester. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £10.

DDT Rock, pop and punk by the band from Russia. HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £25-£130.

Pop Will Eat Itself, Seething Akira The veteran outfit plays alt rock from its album New Noise Designed By A Sadist.

Electric Ballroom, Camden High St, NW1 8QP (020 7485 9006). £18.

John Fairhurst, Joe Driscoll, Brooke Sharkey Blues and folk from the songwriter and guitarist. Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). £6.

Graveyard, Horisont The Swedish classic rock and blues four-piece performs songs from its album Hisingen Blues. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £10.

The Jive Aces, Kaiís Kats The jive and swing band perform music from their album Recipe For Rhythm. Floridita, Wardour St, W1F 0TN (020 7314 4042). £10-£30.

Gretchen Peters, Lisbee Stainton Country and folk by the Nashville-based singersongwriter. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £16.

Ruby Turner, The Ronnie Scott’s Allstars The ex-Culture Club member sings soul numbers.

Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £25-£48.

Rumer The soulful vocalist performs soft rock. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £30.

Wu Lyf The Manchester-based four-piece plays alt pop. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). £12.50.

Katzenjammer Pop, folk and blues by the Oslo-based group. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). £12.50.

M Ward Indie-folk from American singer-songwriter Matthew Stephen Ward. Leicester Square Theatre, Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX (0844 873 3433). £16.

Courtney Yasmineh Minneapolisbased rock and alt pop singersongwriter and her band.

12 Bar Club, Denmark Place, WC2H 8NL (020 7240 2622). £5.

Max Raptor, Hildamay, These Furrows, Wounds Alt punk by the Birmingham-based band.

The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £6.50.

Rick Ross Hip-hop from the American artist William Leonard Roberts II. Proud 2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (020 7482 3867). £35, adv £32.50.

Siswa Sukra World music and dance by the Indonesian collective. St Ethelburga’s, Bishopsgate, EC2N 4AG (020 7496 1610). £12, adv £10.

Judie Tzuke Pop-rock by the established London-based singersongwriter. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £25.

Bobby Valentino & The Musicians Swing and easy listening by the London-based singer and colleagues. Downstairs At The King’s Head, Crouch End Hill, N8 8AA (020 8340 1028). £10, concs £7.

Shannon Wright Alt country by the Atlanta-based singer-songwriter.

The Windmill, Blenheim Gardens, SW2 5BZ (020 8671 0700). £12, adv £10.

SATURDAY 24 Aly Bain & Phil Cunningham The two-piece performs traditional folk. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £18.

Drizabone Soul Family R‘n’B and soul by the London-based combo. Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £25-£42.50.

The Frank And Walters Indie-rock from the Cork-based outfit. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £10.

Mike Gibbs with the Hans Koller Ensemble The group performs the music of Gil Evans and Mike Gibbs. Kings Place, York Way, N1 9AG (020 7520 1490). £12.50, adv £9.50.

Nick Harper The singer-songwriter performs folk-rock. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £12.

Paul Jones & The Blues Band Classic and contemporary blues by the veteran singer and Radio 2 DJ plus the experienced band.

Boisdales Of Canary Wharf, Cabot Hall, E14 4QT (020 7715 5818). £15-£37.50.

Kora, Poland Why Not Alt rock band. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £35.

Nero The London-based combo perform upbeat dubstep and electronica in support of the album Welcome Reality. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £17.50.

The Soothsayers, The Fela Horns The collective plays Afrobeat, roots, reggae and funk. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 7070). £12.

Lucy Ward Traditional and contemporary folk by the Derby-based singer-songwriter.

Greenwich Theatre, Crooms Hill, SE10 8ES (020 8858 7755). £10.

Yashin, Jody Has A Hitlist, With One Last Breath The Glasgowbased six-piece plays posthardcore. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £10.

SUNDAY 25 Rita Chiarelli Soulful blues and roots from the awardwinning Canadian singersongwriter. Leicester Square Theatre, Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX (0844 873 3433). £15-£18.

Korn The California-based nu-metal pioneers play their brand of simmering aggression.

O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £32.

Lokkhi Terra Kishon Khan’s project blending Bangladeshi, African and Latin music.

Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £12.50-£22.50.

The Waterboys Mike Scott’s collective plays folk and Celtic rock, promoting its album, An Appointment With Mr Yeats.

HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £29.50-£35.

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Go to tntmagazine.com/competitions. See webpage for terms and conditions. Winners will be selected at random.

10 PAIRS OF TICKETS FOR FATBOY SLIM’S BIG BEACH BOOTIQUE 5 IN BRIGHTON has teamed up with superstar DJ Norman Cook, aka Fatboy Slim, to give away 10 pairs of tickets for his forthcoming Big Beach Bootique gigs in Brighton.

Big Beach Bootique 5 will unite two of Brighton’s best-loved institutions when Fatboy Slim takes to the decks at Brighton and Hove Albion’s state-ofthe-art American Express Community Stadium in June.

Bringing the beach to the football stadium, Brighton’s biggest fan promises to tear up it up across two nights of storming sets in the height of summer.

With a stellar line-up including Annie Mac, DJ Fresh and Carl Cox this really is a summer gig not to be missed.

Five pairs of tickets for June 1, 2012 Line-up: Fatboy Slim, Carl Cox, Luciano and Maya Jane Coles plus special guests Five pairs of tickets for June 2, 2012 Line up: Fatboy Slim, Nero, Annie Mac, DJ Fresh plus special guests Enter at

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If you aren’t lucky enough to win the competition, tickets are £35 from fatboyslim.net

PREVIOUS WINNERS TNT 1485: TRAVEL TALK EASTER VOUCHER: Colin Faulkner

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Joel Stoker The lead guitarist and singer with indie-punkers The Rifles on being mates with the Modfather and having your own band beer INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON

How did your latest London Weekender gigs come about?

We always have a really good crowd in London, so we thought rather than trying to do one big gig, like Brixton, which we have done before, to split the days up.

Will you be mixing the setlist up for both nights then?

We are trying to change the set for both nights, so we are going to have to go through all the old stuff and relearn loads of songs that we haven’t played in a while.

You recorded the new album Freedom Run in Paul Weller’s studio…

Yeah, he played guitar on [single] Sweetest Thing and a couple of other things, too. He’d just pop in and get involved.

How did this musical friendship come about?

We had supported him before and sometimes he would just come in and watch us rehearse.

Your songs are always uplifting, are you all positive guys?

Lyrically, I have never tried to be any particular way, that is just how I am. I am a big Bob Dylan fan, his style of lyric writing has had a big influence on me, the stories he would tell. And Ray Davies [The Kinks], too. Alex Turner [Arctic Monkeys] is brilliant at writing – he just sings it all as you would say it.

Photos: Getty

What inspired you to start a band?

The reason I picked up a guitar was a friend of mine at school. He had a guitar and I used to watch him play – I had never played the guitar before at that point. My birthday fell about a month afterwards and so that was when I got my first guitar. My mate Richie Faulkner was really into Jimi Hendrix and so then I got into him, too. I hadn’t seen Richie for years and now he is Judas Priest’s guitarist.

So he still plays, too …

Yeah, but he got in to the heavier side of it all, the metal stuff. He was always really good, though, so it didn’t surprise me that he went and played in America for a massive band like that.

Joel Stoker (centre) and The Rifles Did you have a heavy phase yourself?

Rage Against The Machine was the heaviest I ever got. I went to see them on their first album tour when they played at Brixton Academy, with Billy Bragg supporting.

Do you still get out and see a lot of bands these days?

Not so much. I am pretty bad like that. A lot of the time we are gigging and so when you get some time off you want a break.

What other bands these days do you get excited about?

Arcade Fire, who we played with once at a festival, are a great live band. There are loads of them running about the stage playing and if one of them is not playing an instrument in one particular song, they’ll just dump it for something else – it becomes like a theatre show!

How did you get your own ‘band ale’ The General?

We got approached by a brewery who were trying to get ale from being seen not just an old man’s drink, but one that younger people also drink. They approached us and we thought, ‘Why not?’ So when we were in Stoke on tour we went and had a tasting session, where we told them what we liked and what we didn’t and then they went and made a Frankenstein.

Do you get a life supply then?

No, we’ve had about one crate so far, so I need to get on to them about it!

On your first album No Love Lost, you worked with the Lightning Seeds’ Ian Broudie who wrote [football song] Three Lions – would you consider writing a sports song, too?

It’s a risky thing to do. For every Three Lions, there are loads of songs that didn’t make it.

And it is easy to get tarred with the one brush.

Everyone will remember Ian Broudie for that one song, not for the Lightning Seeds.

You recently saw a video of your first London show at the Bull and Gate in the early Noughties – did it match your memories?

Someone had it on the tour bus and so we popped it on and had a watch. It was quite funny. We looked like four people who had never met each other before, stuck on a stage and trying to work it out then and there. We got better with time, I think.

The Rifles play Shepherd’s Bush Empire on Fri, Mar 30. 7pm. £17 W12 8TT o2shepherdsbushempire Shepherd’s Bush.

They play Troxy on Sat, Mar 3. 7pm. £17 E1 0HX troxy.co.uk Limehouse

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‘What do you mean fur lining was last season?’

WILD BILL FILM review by Alasdair Morton STARRING: Charlie Creed-Miles, Will Poulter | 15 | 96mins

THE HUNGER GAMES FILM STARRING: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson | 12A | 142mins

This adaptation of Suzanne Collins’s best-selling series – set in a near future where the youth are forced to duel to the death in the titular reality-TV games – is expected to be the next Potter/ Twilight success. It’s got more bite than the other pretenders to the crown and, with Lawrence’s (above) lead, the credentials to succeed.

On general release from Friday

26

This film, the debut by Dexter Fletcher (Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels), succeeds in combining the two staples that form much of independent British cinema, at least recently: the cocky, mockney crime-flick capers made famous by Guy Ritchie, and the rough-and-rugged realism of the kitchen-sink drama.

Charlie Creed-Miles is the Bill of the title, a fiery, coke-hoovering boozehound who has just done eight years inside. Newly released, he returns home to an east London estate to find his two young sons living on their own, their mother long gone. Stepping into the paternal role doesn’t come easy and as he’s adjusting to freedom with his newly reconvened family, Bill finds pressures from his previous life are never far away, either.

The drama is well-observed, as Bill clashes with his elder son Dean (played by School Of Comedy’s Poulter), bonds more readily with his younger, Jimmy (Sammy Williams), and dodges encounters with people from his past as he begins his journey from local joke towards respectability. Wry one-liners flow seemlessly from the characters while never feeling forced, and the constant presence of violence is palpable, as Jimmy is drawn towards a life of crime, despite his brother’s efforts.

Miles-Creed’s performance anchors the film, bringing depth and warmth to a character that could easily have begun a caricature and enjoyed a plausibilitystretching journey of redemption, and only unleashing Bill’s hitherto hinted-at inner violence in the film’s crescendo. An impressive debut for Fletcher.

GOOD FOR: Those who found Ritchie’s cheeky chappie capers too smug for their own good

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GIVE US A

GREG PROOPS

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

Best known for his appearances on ace improv show Who’s Line Is It Anyway?, this barbed San Franciscan likes to rant about idiocy and whatever else annoys him. This short London run will also see him recording his (proclaimed) The Smartest Man In The World podcast, too. Stephen Hawking might disagree.

Ha ha!

Soho Theatre 21 Dean Street, W1D 3NE. Mar 20-27.

From £10 Oxford Circus sohotheatre.com

PICK ME UP

FAREWELL TO THE THEATRE

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

This contemporary graphic-art fair features a diverse range of illustrators and illustrations (price tags from £10 to £900). There’ll be workshops for the info-hungry, a pop-up graphic zoo with inspired takes on wildlife, with Wallace And Gromit creators Aardman Studios and the guys from Modern Toss along, too.

Elegant and subtly acted, US playwright Richard Nelson’s new show borrows its title from a work by its central figure, the influential English actormanager, critic and playwright Harley GranvilleBarker. Set in 1916, it follows the travails of a number of individuals whose lives didn’t pan out as hoped. Poignant and understated. LK

Somerset House WC2R 1LA. Mar 22-Apr 1. £8.

Temple somersethouse.org.uk

Hampstead Theatre Eton Avenue, NW3 3EU. Until Apr 7. From £22 Swiss Cottage hampsteadtheatre.com

BRETT GOLDSTEIN What’s the show all about? It’s the story of when my dad had a midlife crisis and bought a stripclub in Marbella and I ended up running it as a young man.

What’s your abiding memory of the club? Pacing up and down the marble floor, trying to keep it from burning down.

Photos: Lydia Goldblatt;

What was the most bizarre thing that happened there? I became incredibly close to a hitman – he was really deep, a poet and a wonderful guy, except for all the killing.

ACT OF VALOUR

THE LEISURE SOCIETY

FILM

THEATRE

This action flick, which went to the top spot in the US, features real-life Navy Seals as its stars – no actors could realistically portray them, directors McCoy and Waugh say. While its authenticity isn’t under question (this is not Charlie Sheen’s Eighties Navy Seals for sure), it’s jingoistic attitude might turn off those who don’t chest-thump to The Star Spangled Banner.

In her stage debut, supermodel Agyness Deyn more than holds her own against the seasoned thesps in French Canadian François Archambault’s short and rather unpleasant satire, in which relationship woes and sexual politics play a significant role in the evening of a group of four twentysomethings. LK

On general release from Friday.

Trafalgar Studios 2 SW1A 2DY. Until Mar 31. From £26.50 Charing Cross atgtickets.com

Why did you wait 10 years to tell this tale? I need to know all the dangerous people in the story were no longer a threat, and to get perspective to make it about something. The first performance was terrifying – if you didn’t like the story, then you kind of don’t like me.

Advice for others thinking of a similar path? Rent before you buy.

Is laughter the best medicine?

I believe penicillin is stronger.

Grew Up In A Stripclub

Soho Theatre,

21 Dean Street, W1D. Mar 23-24. £12.50 Oxford Circus

sohotheatre.com

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Up and close and personal: the beasts of Hogwarts and (above) model supervisor JosĂŠ Granell stands guard over Hogwarts

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The secrets of Hogwarts With Harry Potter’s big-screen journey over, a new Making Of tour takes you behind the scenes of the biggest film franchise of all time WORDS ALASDAIR MORTON

What do you do when you’re the proud owners of one of history’s most successful movie sagas – one that has swept box offices around the world to the tune of £4.89bn and one that no amount of Twilight emo-pouting and shiny-skinned vamp-posing could hope to match in its wildest dreams – but have mined the source material to completion?

That was the question facing Warner Bros when Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part II (movie number eight) was wrapped. It responded by opening the doors to the franchise’s studio HQ, to offer Harry-heads the chance to see the sets where the magic happened. Up close, Hogwarts’ inhabitants and their practices are just as spellbinding as you’d expect.

At a gargantuan warehouse just outside London, The Making Of Harry Potter, Warner Bros’ (Hog)’warts and all’ tour of the fantasy franchise has come alive.

“For over 10 years, the Harry Potter film series highlighted the creativity and craftsmanship in the British film industry including groundbreaking special effects, incredibly detailed set design and breathtaking makeup and costumes,” Warner Bros head honcho Josh Beger says.

Certainly, it is this craft that the tour celebrates. Opening in a multi-screened room that reveals how a train journey to Manchester inspired an aspiring writer called Joanne to put pen to paper, the tour then documents the ensuing Pottermania that gripped every corner of the planet (one of the movies’ producers David Heyman originally envisaged it as just a ‘modestly budgeted British film’), before moving into a cinema where Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint introduce the secrets about to be revealed.

Soon after, Hogwarts is entered through an imposing door, behind which are more costumes, props and even goblin beards than you could shake wand at.

“It was such a magical place to grow up,” Daniel Radcliffe, says of the Leavesden studios. “People will be amazed to see the incredible sets that we’ve worked in all these years.”

You can walk along the enormity of the Great Hall where Harry and co gobble their grub (world leaders have been shown through here, apparently), squint at the retinaburning pinkness of Professor Umbridge’s private quarters, and almost reach out and touch the potions books and Hogwarts sword that decorate Dumbledore’s majestic office.

It’s ‘use your eyes only only’ though, as, while the Great

Hall is open for the public to walk down (so too the shopping street Diagon Alley ), the majority of the sets are roped off.

While you can peek at the warm, rosey Gryffindor common room (it’s smaller than you’d think), and Hagrid’s oversized Hut, you’ll have to make do with walking past – not over – Hogwarts Bridge, and won’t be concocting any spells or

“

Up close, Hogwarts is just as spellbinding

”

potions of your own (although the potion classroom – which doubled as the monstrous beast Fluffy’s closet in Chamber Of Secrets and Snape’s office further down the line – does come with its own self-stirring cauldron). ››

Sets from the eight movie franchise are on display TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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[L-R] JK Rowling, Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint attend the premiere of the franchise’s final film last summer; Harry and Hagrid in action; Potter and his famous wand; the tour

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polystyrene and spraypainted at the last minute with the aerosol fumes still chaffing in Radcliffe’s nostrils, and the audience would have been none the wiser.

“

It was such a magical place to grow up in

”

In keeping with the ‘big happy family’ vibe – Watson, Radcliffe and Grint went to school on the set in the early days when they were 10, 11 and 12 years old respectively – Ollivander’s Wand Shop is recreated, with each of the 3948 wand boxes that line the shelves bearing the name of every person credited in the production of the film, from Rowling, John Hurt and Gary Oldman, to Alan Watts, David Yates’ driver and props man Pierre Bohana.

As a museum to the series, it is painstaking, the sets (the real draw here, that or the sugary-sweet ‘butter beer’ you can sample) giving Potter fans a chance to get up close and personal with the magical world they love.

As a monument to the filmmaking process, it is engaging, a living, breathing DVD extra, if a little heavy on the ‘show’ and light on the ‘tell’. For those for whom Potter was the kids’ book they couldn’t understand grown ups reading, this experience won’t change their minds. ❚ The Warner Bros Studio Tour London – The Making of Harry Potter opens March 31. Daily. From £21. Studio Tour Drive, Leavesden, WD25 7LR wbstudiotour.co.uk

Photos: Walter Thompson, Frazer Arrison, Toby Canham

Elsewhere, an 18-foot Aragog – to the unindoctrinated, that’s a spider so giant it would make even King Kong himself shit his pants – hangs from the ceiling.

While this is admittedly unpalatable, particularly for arachnophobes, it pales in comparison to the sight of a wall of beheaded Warwick Davises (Griphook), which greets tour-goers as a collection of casts in various stages of development, looming increasingly lifelike out of the darkness. Indeed, the tour’s creature effects serve to remind just how many critters and beasts were conjured up by the franchise – for every cutesy and wholesome Dobby the house elf (the little one that shuffles about doing housework with a grating accent), there is a wealth of snake-haired demons, Dementors and three-headed dogs to boot.

As Radcliffe, again via video, promises at one point, this tour will forever make you look at Quidditch in a different way, and it’s a pledge he keeps, as a green-screen feature allows you to film your own broomstick flight across the golden-snitch-chasing game or even the streets of London.

As fun as all this is, what really stands out from the tour is the detail, firstly contained in the bountiful anecdotes and asides, and also in the spirit in which the films were made.

“The sets all have tiny little details that you may not always notice in the films,” Rupert Grint says. “But when you actually walk through them, you can see all the work that’s gone into it.”

This is the work that had some poor prop maker engrave the Golden Egg, that had a carpenter handcarve the Goblet of Fire from a single English elm and that led to some runner affixing the teeth clasps on spell books. Grint’s right, these details don’t even show up on the screen for most of the time – hell, it could have all been made out of plastic and TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPARETIME

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Total War: Shogun 2 Fall of the Samurai

CD

PC

The five-year wait for a new LP from the indierock outfit is finally over. £8.95 zavvi.com

A thrilling extension to the game based in 19th-century Japan, during the Boshin War. £19.85 shopto.net

Faithless: Passing The Baton – Live From Brixton

FIFA Street Xbox 360

Premier League dramatics have nothing on this game. £39.99 base.com

CD

It’s the Insomnia band at their very best in concert. £9.99 sainsburysentertainment.co.uk

Move Out Obama Android app

Help ‘save’ the US from the Democrats in this Republican-leaning game. £0.62 play.google.com

Tamasin Day-Lewis: Food You Can’t Say No To Book

A book full of tasty treats, with an emphasis on simplicity. £11.60 amazon.co.uk

50 Easiest-ever Italian Recipes iPhone app

Iris Murdoch: The Sea, The Sea

We’ve all tried the food, now whip it up yourself. £2.99 itunes.apple.com

Book

The 1978 British novel, with a cover makeover in conjuction with the V&A Museum. £9.99 amazon.co.uk

Tulip corkscrew Gadget

Wine is a beautiful thing, why shouldn’t the corkscrew also be? £12.95 gadgets.co.uk

Snowtown DVD

Based on a true tale about John Bunting, Australia’s most notorious serial killer. £10.00 asda.com

SkinnySound beanie with headphones Gadget

Get this on your noggin for personal surround sound. £11.50 qvcuk.com

The Adventures Of Tintin: The Secret Of The Unicorn DVD

Hergé’s legendary young cartoon reporter gets a Spielberg makeover. £17.99 play.com

App of the Week Toilet Genie iPhone app

The age-old argument about whether men remember to put the toilet seat down gets gamified with this app and wireless sensor.

Free itunes.apple.com

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Blue polka dot dress Team with a clamshell bag and white mid-heels.

Pastel top with collar Wear with a cardie, tucked into a midi skirt to pull this one off best.

Slim-fit jacket, shirt and tie combo Make Don Draper proud with this fitted ensemble.

sugarhillboutique.com

my987wardrobe.com

next.co.uk

.00

£94

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SHOPWATCH

£55

£19

.87

Photos: PRShots.com; M&Co; Head Over Heels; Next; Sainsburys

RETAIL THERAPY

Put the therapy back into retail therapy with an evening of mind, body and soul-themed shopping. On March 29, shoppers at The Brunswick in Bloomsbury will be greeted by ‘therapists’, who’ll suggest they take the opportunity of either a mental, physical or spiritual overhaul.

Racing minds will be put to rest with a thought-enriching seminar from self-improvement experts The School of Life. Those in style ruts will be whisked off to a Fashion First Aid course, where there’ll be on-hand beauty pros to pamper and preen, plus a host of shopping discount vouchers. And tortured souls will be advised on which restaurants to visit for good food deals and quality time spent with friends.

Works like a bowl of chicken soup.

OPEN Thursday, March 29, 5pm-9pm COST Free entry; suggested £5 donation for seminars; free goody bag for anyone spending more than £30. brunswick.co.uk The Brunswick Shopping Centre, The Brunswick, Bloomsbury, WC1N 1BS TEL 020 7833 6066 Russell Square

Mad Men is back

Red pencil skirt Work those curves and get noticed in the office, with this figure-hugging scarlet beauty.

.00

£49

Sabrina blue heels ‘Step into my office, baby.’ headoverheelsonline.com

mandco.com

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£29

£32

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Lacy grey shapewear Maximise your shape to really show off those clothes. maidenform.co.uk

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Stone linen suit jacket Still look dapper, even when it’s hot outside. sainsburys.co.uk

£61

.99

Barrel cufflinks An edgy twist to your suit’s little finishing touch. next.co.uk

Branwell lace gibson black leather shoes Walk the walk in these slick men’s footwear greats. office.co.uk

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LIFESTYLEHEALTH

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CLASS OF THE WEEK

ALTER-G

TREADMILL Chances are you’ll feel pretty daft running on the Alter-G treadmill, seeing as it entails having your lower half encased in what looks like a big, inflatable cushion.

But the purpose of this spageage-looking contraption is suitably intergalactic – it helps you to defy gravity. And just why would you want to do that? The theory is that by reducing your body weight as you run, an increase in speed is achieved, allowing you to train at higher working levels.

As well as increasing endurance for people who just want to be super-fit, the anti-gravity treadmill helps those recovering from sporting injuries. The machine gets you on your feet in a supported way (you cannot fall), and removes the need to put too much weight on your limbs. It can even help you to recover more quickly, according to the folks behind the design.

You can book time on the Alter-G at Balance Performance Physiotherapy in Clapham. The centre runs 30-60 minute sessions from about £12.50. Space suit not included.

On trend in 2012 When it comes to looking good, take some fashion inspiration from around the world WORDS REBECCA KENT

Furry eyebrows, super quiffs and nostalgic hairstyles have made waves internationally and now they’re going large in London. But like any fads, blink, and you’ll miss them.

To help keep your look fresh, we check out some of the latest styles hitting the London beauty circuit.

Scousebrows Big eyebrows have surfaced before (think Brooke Shields, circa 1990), but in 2012 they’re creeping back on to foreheads everywhere. Although facial caterpillars are all over catwalks globally, we have Desperate Scousewives cast member Jodie Lundstram – whose eyebrow job at a beauty salon last November was an epic fail – to thank for the new moniker. Now, dollybirds the world over are sporting monstrously bold brows, letting loose with the powder and pencil. You can experiment at home with the eyebrow stencil shaping kit from Shavata, for £12. shavata.co.uk

Romantic locks The guys at Islington-based hair salon Ogario London have kept a keen eye on models’ catwalk tresses, and as such, predict a return to romance in warmer months.

“We’re talking hair that’s the stuff of fairytales – think the strong braids of Rapunzel, and, on the whole, fuller and softly layered,” Ogario says.

However, pretty locks also get an urban edge – so think a feminine fishtail braid with a sweeping, gravity-defying fringe. ogariolondon.com.

Rockabilly hair for men You only have to spend a day in east London to see this Americana-inspired hairstyle trend shows no sign of slipping off the radar.

The vintage style, otherwise known as a ‘greaser’ or ‘pompadour’, where hair is longer at the front than the back and sides, and parted or slicked back, has decidedly more attitude than the quiff it

113 Gauden Road, Clapham, SW4 6LE balancephysio.com Clapham North Clapham High Street

Towie’s Lauren Goodger and her eyebrows 34

Bruno Mars and his ‘greaser’

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MAKE ME OVER

Orange flower and amber body butter So exotic £5.00 asos.com

Get romantic with your hair gave rise to. Also, with elements of women’s 1950s fashion creeping on to the catwalk, rockabilly hair for girls was bound to make an appearance. Get the hairspray out, the ‘ducktail’ is back. myspace.com/something_hells

Statement eyeliner Take inspiration from Japanese sex kittens and play with supersize feline eyeliner flicks.

Parallel lines, in particular, are the rage, with top and bottom strokes mirroring each other.

This look does take some mastering, but try Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel eyeliner.

It’s a gel formula that delivers the same precision as a liquid liner, but is much easier to control. £15.50. bobbibrown.co.uk

Jetlag revival treatment So we’ve taken some liberties on the ‘international’ theme here, but this treatment does, quite literally, span time zones – and fresh-faced is in.

Jetsetters beset by jetlag here’s one way to help you counter the effects. Stop into No.1 Traveller Lounge at Heathrow T3 for a 55-minute Core Revival massage, a 25minute facial treatment and 25-minute manicure or pedicure before you fly. At £100, It could be holiday money well NEXT WEEK spent – especially if you’re off in search The weirdest beauty gadgets of trends! no1traveller.com

Tatsu Shaper styling paste Inspired by the dragon £9.90 rituals.com

Groomed SPF15 moisturiser Budget beauty for men £2.50 groceries.asda.com

Photos: Getty

TOP TREATMENT: HOLISTIC ESSENTIALS Ayurveda Pura, the Greenwich-based spa and training academy, has launched its own range of products true to Ayurveda, the 5000-year-old holistic approach to health and beauty. The Holistic Essentials range of cleansers and body washes is designed to work in unison with a specific body-type constitution, or ‘dosha’, and massaged into certain energy points on the face. From £17.50

Energy balm

ayurvedapura.com

48 Newton Lodge, SE10 0BA

Eyeliner dazzler Pimp up your peepers £1.99 superdrug.com

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

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Now it’s personal: life as a trainer will shed the kilos

A weight off work You don’t need to work out to fight the flab, just get the right job WORDS REBECCA KENT

Sitting behind a desk all day doesn’t do much to improve your fitness. Indeed, most office workers are limited to workouts squeezed in before or after work, or during lunch. However, some jobs can keep you fit more than others.

Here, TNT gives you the lowdown on careers that’ll get you trim in no time.

Valet When your paypacket depends on how fast you run, each second counts, says Aris Chrisanthakopoulos, who works with recruiters Quintessentially People in London and abroad (quintessentiallypeople.com).

“Money is definitely a motivation to give faster service,” the 39-year-old says. “There’s a lot of running around, so this is not one for large people – or if 36

you are large, you won’t be for long.”

Average salary: £20,000 at a hotel.

Qualification: Butler training.

Waitressing Waiting staff take about 1772 steps an hour as they dart from kitchen to table and back during a busy shift. For a 70kg person, that’s almost 100 calories.

Despite the temptation of sandwiches and calorific pastries, Highbury waitress Sarah Ogilvie, 24, has seen an improvement in her health.

“In an eight-hour shift, I barely sit down. I dash from one table to the next and I have to keep my mind switched on more than anything else – I think that in itself keeps me trim,” she says.

Average salary: £17,810.

Qualifications: Good people skills

Personal training The next best thing to keeping fit yourself is training someone else, so what better way than becoming a personal trainer? They spend their days moving, lifting and stretching – and get paid for it. Bearing in mind we burn 50 per cent more calories standing than we do sitting, even on a less strenuous day, a trainer is still shifting kgs.

Average pay: £25,000-£35,000.

Qualifications: Personal trainer diploma.

Pantomime acting Singing and dancing on stage for six hours a day, every day over Christmas is a surefire way to combat a paunch, attests actor Anna Williamson, who lost 4.5kg last year.

“I don’t actually attempt to lose

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ON THE JOB CATRIONA TOOP CAREER Actress: Doctors, BBC1 AGE 26 LIVES Fulham FROM Christchurch, New Zealand How did you get into your line of work?

The first time I went on stage was when I was six. My mum was a speech and drama teacher so that helped. I continued acting all through high school. After graduating from NASDA, I moved to Toronto, then London to gain experience.

Burn the calories weight, it’s a by-product of all the dancing and running around, plus the heeled dance shoes mean your bottom and thighs get an extra workout and toning,” the 30-year-old says. ”Entertaining the masses and getting fit – its a win-win.”

Salaray: £372 per week.

Qualifications: Acting/ theatre degree.

Being a firefighter

Waiting will lose you weight THE CHAIR IS A KILLER Our bodies are programmed to move. When they don’t, our health suffers, says scientist James Levine.

Sluggish central nervous system: this equals fatigue. It takes just three minutes of intense workouts a week to combat this.

Weakened muscles: do you want to be a hunchback later in life?

Poor fat burning: the activity of lipoprotein lipase, the enzyme that breaks down fat in the blood, is reduced by 50 per cent when you sit all day.

Heart disease: your blood sugar and fat levels increase, even if you have a healthy body weight.

Firefighters have some rigorous fitness tests to pass before they even land the job, but once they’re in, keeping trim is easy – as long as they stay away from the donuts. A

Photos: Thinkstock

WALKING MEETINGS Who says work meetings have to take place around a table? Especially when most creative moments happen outside them.

Living Streets, the national charity that stands up for pedstrians, has a guide on how to hold a walking meeting to make working days much less sedentary. livingstreets.org.uk

firefighter burns an estimated 845 calories per hour, and with all that rushing around to save lives, hauling heavy gear, and climbing up and down stairs, it’s no surprise.

Salary: Trainee £21,000.

Qualification: Fourmonth intensive course with London Fire Brigade.

What do you do day-to-day?

Once arriving at the BBC studios, I go straight into hair and makeup and then get driven on to set. After a quick rehearsal with the other actors we begin a full day of shooting.

The best part of your job?

It is fun to play someone else that does things you could not get away with in real life.

What’s the most challenging?

Acting work is inconsistent and it takes a while to get used to.

Bicyle courier

There’s a good reason you’ve never seen a fat bicycle courier.

Try as he might, Opuene Gbobbo, 40, who works with eCourier.co.uk, can’t put on weight. “I really want to,” Gbobbo exclaims. “But working five days a week, and clocking up 40-50 miles a day, I can never eat enough.”

Starting out, things won’t be pretty: you’ll ache, get lost and have punctures to deal with. But stick at it and you’ll get to slim city.

Salary: £350 a week.

Qualifications: common sense, NEXT WEEK good sense of Working in direction, and a cocktail bar a good memory.

HOW TO ... HOLD A GOOD CLIENT MEETING Trying to woo a client? Select your meeting place carefully

• Ask your client whether they’d prefer to meet over a coffee or a meal. The success of the meeting ultimately comes down to their happiness.

• Offer to visit your client, but

ensure the travel costs don’t outweigh the benefits.

• Suggest to meet in a hotel.

Some have conference rooms for about £50 and the the atmosphere is professional, so you can really impress.

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tntjobs.co.uk CLASSROOM LIMITED T: 020 7636 0600 www.classroomteachers.co.uk Classroom is an established recruitment services provider, providing exceptional levels of service. Our dedicated teams of consultants have a wealth of teaching expertise and education recruitment experience.

GALLOWGLASS T: 0845 300 2468 www.gallowglass.co.uk Gallowglass is UKs leading crewing company to the sporting and events industry, working for TV, theatre, film and outdoor production companies.

SHERPA www.eventsherpa.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Year 5 Teacher Location: South East London Salary: £130.00 - £160.00 DOE Are you a KS2 Teacher looking for a new and exciting role? A school in the London Borough of Southwark are looking for a qualified Year 5 teacher for a class of 15 pupils with an immediate start, continuing for one year. This role requires the teacher to have a minimum of one year’s experience of class teaching in the UK. A talented teacher with a confident and professional manner will do well in this excellent school and someone who is keen to teach a smaller class will thrive in this unusually small year group.

Caroline Hardwick | 020 7636 0600 | caroline@classroomteachers.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Location: London Salary: £8 - £11 per hour + skills payments Gallowglass is involved in many aspects of the 2012 Games as well as our on-going work, and has vacancies for friendly, enthusiastic and outgoing people to join our crew.

You will need to be physically fit, have excellent spoken English, be adaptable, happy to work anti-social hours and have a can-do attitude.

CV to hr@gallowglass.co.uk or fill in our on line form at www.gallowglass.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Event Porters/Drivers/Crew Location: London Salary: £6.50 - £10 per hour

SHERPA is a leading supplier of intelligent, articulate and professional porters, drivers and crew to the UK event industry. We work at some of the UK’s best-known events and venues, from high-profile sporting festivals and new product launches, to big-budget private and corporate events.

This summer will be extremely busy with the Olympics coming to town - We’re looking for reliable, hard working, well-presented team players with excellent spoken English to join us in 2012! SHERPA work is ideal for but not limited to Antipodeans in London on their working holiday visa as it is a great way to see London, meet new people and the hours are flexible.

AUCKLAND MICRO www.aucklandmicro.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Junior IT Support Engineer Location: London Salary: £18,000

Established in 2004 Auckland Micro Limited (AML) have built an enviable track record in delivering functional technology to over 25 Global and National businesses.

We require an enthusiastic candidate with a base technical knowledge who is willing to learn to be involved in the complete IT technical support process. Includes occasional weekend and evening work. Must be confident, have good communication skills, strong work ethic, and be a team player.

Send a CV and recent photo to: john@eventsherpa.co.uk

Email your CV to ITPositions@aucklandmicro.com

IPG T: 07716 376 408 Live in positions in London

JOB OF THE WEEK: Best Backpackers Jobs ever Location: UK, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand Salary: Average £600 pw. Make £10,000 by Summer.

Work as part of a team at outdoor shows/indoor shopping centres across the country.

See the sights, and have fun along the way. IPG’s promo teams comprise 150+ Aussies, Kiwis, Canadians, and more. Free drinks every Friday night.

07716 376 408

CAMINO SPANISH BAR AND RESTAURANT www.camino.uk.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Waiters, Waitresses, Bartenders, Bar backs, Runners, Bar supervisors, Restaurant Supervisor, Hosts, Relief managers Location: The City Salary: DOE

Camino has been created as a place to enjoy the life, vigour and tastes of Spain. It’s a vibrant Spanish Bar and Restaurant

We have vacancies for friendly, enthusiastic and hardworking people to join an exciting new Camino. You need to have a passion and enthusiasm for looking after customers as well as an excellent level of spoken English CV to careers@camino.uk.com

Looking for your next job?

NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY To advertise your job of the week contact Matt Syder | 020 7989 0491 | matt.syder@tntmagazine.com

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CASH-SAVING TIPS

LIFESTYLEMONEY

HOW YOU SPEND IT!

LOOKING FABULOUS Xxxxxxxxx Fashion house Temperley London is hosting a sale XXXXXXXXX with one-off pieces reduced Xxxxxxxxxxx by up to 70 per cent. It takes place March 28-29, XXXXXXXXX from 8am, 20th Century Xxxxxxxxxxx Theatre, 291 Westbourne Grove, W11 2QA. XXXXXXXXX Xxxxxxxxxxx

SAVINGS TASTE BETTER If you’re looking to stock XXXXXXXXX up on the essentials, Xxxxxxxxxxx Sainsbury’s customers can save £10 off a £70 food bill until March 24. Grab a code at money.co.uk.

Photos: Getty

TIME TO CREAM IT Head to your nearest newstand and pick up a copy of this month’s Marie Claire for a voucher for a free Neal’s Yard Wild Rose face cream, worth up to £20.

JOANIE JOCKEL, 21 JOB Student/intern FROM Washington DC LIVES West Kensington How do you budget?

I set weekly limits and plan ahead for bigger expenses.

What non-essential items do you spend money on?

Fashion. It’s always been a weakness, but especially living in London, I feel the need to at least try to keep up with the current style.

HOW THEY SPEND IT! Costly cocktails City boy Alex Hope recently forked out more £200,000 for vodka, beer and the world’s priciest bottle of bubbly. But he’s far from alone in his love of an exhorbitant tipple …

PIZZA FOR A FIVER Pizza Hut is offering £5 classic recipe pizzas until April 1. Have your pick of popular flavours meat feast, margherita, veg supreme, pepperoni or Hawaiian, without breaking the bank. No voucher is required and the deal is for delivery, collection or in-restaurant meals. pizzahut.co.uk HARRY POTTER /28 BEST OF BEER /64

Any money-saving tips for living in London?

Map out your money, eat at home, hunt for bargains, and budget for unexpected purchases, because they will come up, no matter how sensible you are.

Last big blow-out?

Dublin. Just being there, my budgeting sense went out the window completely. Nice dinners, tours, pub crawls and quite a few Irish Coffees definitely added up. It’s an expensive city, but I figure it’s not often you are young and in Ireland – or at least that’s what I keep telling myself when I look at my bank statement.

❚ Last month, 22-year-old Logan Warren ordered the most expensive Starbucks drink ever – £37 for one Trenta Java Chip Frappucino with 16 espresso shots and a heap of flavourings. ❚ An anonymous Italian

Not your ordinary cup of Joe

millionaire with far too much money commissioned a £27m, diamond-encrusted bottle of D’Amalfi Limoncello Supreme for a party.

❚ Chinese man An Yanshi is creating the world’s most expensive tea. He plans to sell it for £22,000 per pound.

The magic ingredient?

Panda droppings. ❚ Aussie John Stallwood started brewing Antarctic Nail Ale for his brother’s anti-whaling group.

Using melted ice from the Antarctic, the first bottle sold for a whopping £1250.

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Star Wars R2D2 cookie jar No one will find them in here ... play.com

Living on the edge Aldgate, E1/EC3A

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WORDS CLARE VOOGHT

Solar-powered waving Queen Why not? It’s Jubilee year heals.co.uk

Springing up from the concrete just south of Spitalfields, Aldgate rests in an urban spot bordering trendy Shoreditch and the flashy skyscrapers of the City. It’s far from suburbia and is more of a quieter nook within the capital’s built-up landscape. Compared to its surrounding areas, there’s not much happening in Aldgate, but it’s the action nearby that draws people in.

Why Aldgate?

9 9.9

£1

Avery all-in-one desk organiser Hella practical amazon.co.uk

For a lot of people, it provides the elusive privilege of walking to work. Ripon Mahmood from Moving City, on Commercial Street, says: “Aldgate is on the eastern side of the City, but it’s affordable. And Brick Lane, Dalston and Shoreditch are all within walking distance, so it’s an up-and-coming area and there’s lots going on. People can walk to work and have everything on their doorstep.”

In touch: Aldgate has all the right connections Where to hang out Aldgate has a few London boozers, such as The Princess Alice, on Commercial Street, and The Duke of Somerset, on Little Somerset Street. For nightlife, either hit the swanky bars on Minories, or for something more low-key, head to Shoreditch.

Independent cafes, such as Love In A Cup (known for its flat whites), on Osborn Street, stand by Costa and Pret, and cornershops by Tesco. It’s got the best of both, but Aldgate tends to quieten down after office hours.

On the Aldgate/ Shoreditch border, you’ll find Petticoat Lane Market, which sells cheap vintage and high street samples.

Don’t move here if ...

You like green open spaces. The words ‘concrete jungle’ definitely spring to mind when you see Aldgate.

00

£1.

The people

Maracas Surprisingly fun for when you get home from a night out tigerstores.co.uk

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It’s a 50/50 split. On the one hand, there are families who have been living in the area all their lives and are settled here. The other half is made up of young professionals and foreign employees working for the nearby banks – they are enticed by the prospect of the perfect commute and having all the hip spots on their doorstep.

But being so close to Shoreditch, is Aldgate also set to become slathered with the trendy brush? Fraser Macfarlane from Blueprint Properties, on Commercial Street, thinks so. “It’s almost there,” he says. “A few little boutiques, coffee shops and restaurants are popping up. Developers are putting a lot of money into the area. There are some

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MY AREA DEBORAH VIRELLI Student, 20

“I go to uni in Aldgate, and I like that it’s so close to the culture.

We’re really near Brick Lane and I love going to Cafe 1001 and the Vintage Emporium.”

ANTOINE NIOT Banker, 29

more bits of construction to be done and then the boutiques, bars and coffee shops will all start moving in.”

The connections Aldgate residents have it made. They’re right next to the City and can walk to places such as Holborn.

The Zone 1 spot has two Tubes, which are served by four lines. You can also get to Canary Wharf and central London by bus in about 15 minutes. Liverpool Street station, with a direct line to Stansted Airport, is also within walking distance.

What can you rent?

Compared to many of the other, more expensive areas on the edge of Zone 1, like Angel or Barbican, renting a property in Aldgate is pretty affordable.

There are a few houses, but most of the properties available for rent are flats – some are in well-sized ex-council blocks, and others are in new apartment NEXT WEEK buildings with concierge services The best apps for house hunting and gyms – so suit different budgets.

“A lot of people here are quite trendy, they dress well and they go out a lot. There are a lot of young people, plus a mix of lots of different nationalities.”

GIANINA DAMIAN Barista, 23

“There are a lot of nice, friendly people working in the offices around here. It’s a busy area and it’s also close to Spitalfields Market and loads of shops.”

E1/EC3A INFO Tower Hamlets/ City of London COUNCIL TAX £961-£1036 BOROUGH

TRAVEL TIME TO CENTRAL LONDON

20 mins

Photos: Getty, TNT

TUBE

HOUSESHARE £737pcm per person

STUDIO FLAT £715pcm

TWO BEDROOM FLAT £2037pcm

A furnished third-floor apartment with three double bedrooms, a separate kitchen and lounge with wooden floors. Five minutes’ walk from Aldgate East Tube.

A cosy studio apartment with a shower and separate loo. All bills and broadband are included in the rent. Seven minutes’ walk from Aldgate East Tube.

A swanky apartment with an open-plan kitchen and lounge area. Furnished, with tiled flooring throughout, and two modern bathrooms.

movingcity.co.uk

movingcity.co.uk

blueprintproperties.co.uk

Metropolitan, District, Hammersmith & City, Circle; Zone 1 AVERAGE FLAT SHARE 1 BED

£850pcm AVERAGE RENTAL 1 BED

£1,300pcm AVERAGE FLAT 1 BED

£300,000

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That’ll never come off: did you ever get in trouble for scribbling on the wall when you were a child? Well, apparently it’s all the rage at London’s Affordable Art Fair, which attracted enthusiastic artists from all over the world to Battersea Park on the weekend

Don’t cork it

FANCY CORKSCREW NOT GOING CHEAP UNITED KINGDOM Inventor Rob Higgs will be raising his glass after selling his fandangled corkscrew, made from 300 pieces of scrap metal, to a hotel for a £100,000.

His complex machine uses two cannon balls, a clock spring and a steam engine to pour a glass of wine. Higgs spent four years building the prototype, which has been described as a “fabulous talking point”.

“The majority of the corkscrew machine is stuff that I found in places like scrap yards, car boot sales and antique fairs,” he said. “I also have a workshop which has tons of hoarded rubbish and piles of junk.

It’s a useful brain exercise because it gives you ideas. It’s like going to a library.”

TWEETS OF THE WEEK @Harry_Styles I just got caked in the face...and a cake made of ice cream is harder than regular cake. Hard cake in the face. @ConanOBrien Whoever said “clothes make the man” has not seen me struggling into a pair of mantyhose. @warne888 @stephenfry Hello mate, how’s my friends from across the ditch treating you ? Just don’t mention the underarm and all will be ok !!! Hahaha

JOHN WILKES BOOTH BOBBLE-DOLL PULLED UNITED STATES Hundreds of luminaries have been remade in the form of bobble-head dolls but, apparently, it’s not cool for John Wilkes Booth, the man who killed Abraham Lincoln, to be one of them.

The gift shop at the Gettysburg National Military Park stocked Booth dolls – with 42

over-sized, spring-loaded heads – but decided to pull them following disquiet among locals.

“On rare occasions, there’s an item that might cause concern, and obviously the bobble-heads appeared to be doing that,” Gettysburg Foundation spokeswoman Dru Anne Neil said.

SPECIAL SCENT CREATED FOR THE PONTIFF THE VATICAN Britney Spears and J-Lo are among the celebrities to release their own perfumes – now, the Pope is joining in.

Unfortunately for the faithful,

though, it will not be available to buy.

Instead, the specially concocted eu de cologne will be worn only by Benedict XVI. Silvana Casoli, the Italian ‘nose’ who created the scent, drew on the fragrances of the Pope’s native Bravaria, infusing the cologne with lemon tree blossom and the smell of spring grass.

“I realised that an essence like this had to have at its core something pure and clean, recalling the idea of peace,” she said.

“I thought of the smells he would smell at the Grotto of Lourdes.”

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 20

Sperm donations made

by Jocko, the world’s most virile dairy bull, who died last week after siring 160,000 calves

A unicorn with donuts on his horn

BEST ‘THANK YOU’ NOTE OF ALL TIME? UNITED STATES A Texan weatherman who visited an Austin primary school received a remarkable letter of appreciation from one of the students, who described him as more awesome than a monkey in a bacon tuxedo, riding a unicorn, on a space shuttle, heading for Mars.

The student, named only as Flint, promised Albert Ramon a place at his top table when he becomes “supreme UltraLord of the universe”.

“I will not make you a slave, you will live in my 200-storey castle where unicorn servants will feed you doughnuts off their horns,” Flint wrote. “I will personally make you a throne that is half platinum and half solid gold, and jewel-encrusted.”

CROC RUNS AMOK IN TOP END PLAYGROUND

Photos: Getty

AUSTRALIA Children at Manunda Terrace Primary School got a fright when a 40cm freshwater crocodile found its way into the playground.

The reptile was bold enough to take a chunk out of a nine-year-old girl’s ankle before being caught by the principal and held captive in an esky.

Croc ranger Tom Nichols said there was a small chance the two-year-old had journeyed from nearby Holmes Jungle.

“But it’s more likely someone picked it up on a fishing trip or something and it escaped from their yard,’’ he said.

Freshwater crocodiles as smaller than their saltwater cousins and rarely cause fatalities among humans.

Height, in feet, of the mound of pinto beans which fell on top of a Colorado factory worker, killing him

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Height, in centimetres, of Sultan Kösen, the world’s tallest man, who has finally stopped growing

Asking price, in pounds, for the tiny US town of Buford, Wyoming, which has a population of one, who plans to move away

Clouseau: a bumbling Frenchman

CLOUSEAU SLUR WINS HEALTHY PAYOUT UNITED KINGDOM A French porter who worked at London’s Royal College of General Practitioners could receive a five-figure harassment payout after being called ‘Inspector Clouseau’ by his colleagues.

Appadoure Basile was also dubbed ‘Basil Fawlty’ and ‘Basil Brush’, an employment tribunal found. Workers would shout ‘Basil’ at him – mimicking Sybil Fawlty’s nagging of her husband in Fawlty Towers. Basile’s boss would also make crude “sexual hand gestures” and greet him with the words, “How’s it hanging?”

Basile alleged other workers called him ‘French wanker’ and would comment, “sorry, he’s French” when there were misunderstandings. A tribunal panel concluded that Inspector Clouseau was a “British comic creation of a stereotypically bumbling French character”.

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being an idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture, because you’re rewarded significantly Actor Jon Hamm on bimbos. What would Don Draper think?

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Anzac Day BBQ Commemorate with In association with

Elk Bar, Fulham Wednesday 25th April 12noon till Late EVENT DEATILS Two Up Tournament AFL Screening Live music & DJ Anzac biscuits and BBQ food Drink specials

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TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: ALASDAIR MORTON alasdair.morton@tntmagazine.com

‘You may now kiss the groom’

Legalisation of same-sex marriage is long overdue

Photo: Getty

The current laws are outdated and wholly discriminatory

The government has launched a 12-week consultation into allowing same-sex marriages in England and Wales, a move it hopes to introduce before the next election in 2015. Predictably, there are those who are outraged and horrified, whether this is for religious beliefs or just homosexual prejudice, at what most other people would see as simply progress – and long overdue progress at that.

The proposal is that civil marriage would be legalised for same-sex couples. Not religious marriage, but marriages carried out in a registry office or civil ceremony. The married couple’s union would then, in the eyes of the law and the society in which they live, be recognised as equal to that of a marriage between a man and woman. The real question has to be – why shouldn’t this be allowed?

Cardinal Keith O’Brien, head of the Catholic Church in Scotland, has likened the legalisation of gay marriage to slavery, a move that attracted the criticism such a deeply ignorant – yet perhaps not surprising – comment deserves. The crux of his argument, which is shared by the core of the consultation’s opponents, is that the government’s proposals redefine the term ‘marriage’.

A marriage has always been about celebrating the love and union of two people in the eyes of the law and their society – this is a human right and should include gay couples, too. The ban on religious marriages between same sex couples is to be upheld, so there is really nothing for the religious folk to take umbrage with.

It is question of freedom and the equal application of human rights, which is why the hotel-owning Cornwall couple who refused a room to a gay couple have not got a chance if they take their case to the Supreme Court, as they have suggested. The ban on same-sex marriages is discriminatory, staggeringly outdated and, quite frankly, embarrassing. Why should one couple be allowed the choice of marriage and another not? » Agree or disagree? Should same sex marriage be allowed? letters@tntmagazine.com

FAT POLICE GET THE RUNAROUND A new report has unveiled the disturbing fact that almost two thirds of bobbies are overweight or obese.

Yes, that Fast Show sketch ‘Fat Sweaty Coppers’ from years ago – in which two police officers spend most of their time stuffing their faces with fast food and then find themselves too wide to get in their own cop car – is more accurate than anyone thought.

Now forced to pass annual fitness tests, with salary deductions the ultimate deterrent against failing, the bobbies on the beat will have to prove they will actually be able to apprehend a suspect

“

A fit, effective police force is a neccessity

”

if, like most probably do, they decide to attempt to circumnavigate a spell in the cells by legging it.

Currently, our police force doesn’t stand a chance in a foot race, and if last year’s London riots have taught us anything, it’s that a fit, effective police force is as much a neccessity today as it has ever been.

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Your cheating heart Fancy a bit on the side? According to a new book, it’s weird not to WORDS TOM STURROCK

The spectacle of infidelity looms large over pop culture, the evidence of monogamy’s shortcomings – as an idea, as a model to live by – blares out at us from magazine covers and trashy TV shows alike. Apparently, everyone’s doing it. Bill was doing Monica. Arnie was doing the housekeeper. Tiger was doing pretty much anything with a pulse. According to Eric Anderson, sociologist and author of The Monogamy Gap, a more mature, honest society would simply drop the pretence that monogamy is either realistic or desirable.

“Society says that people are meant to be faithful to their partners,” Anderson explains. “That’s the expectation of people in relationships at a very young age but everyone is running around cheating. Everyone comes to realise it. And the approach of stigmatising it and hyper-moralising about it, the approach that men should just keep their dicks in their pants, it isn’t working.”

This is, in effect, the ‘monogamy gap’ referred to in Anderson’s book, in which he interviewed young men in relationships to assess both the prevalence of infidelity and their motivations for cheating.

“A lot of men, when they enter a relationship, they want to be faithful – they don’t want to be that guy who cheated – but they also think they’ll have long, exciting sex lives with that partner,” Anderson explains. “But it often doesn’t work out that way. Often, the longer they’re with that partner, the more they love them but, at the same time, the more they come to desire sex with someone else recreationally.”

Anderson’s conclusion is that monogamy forces people – not just men – into contradiction, where they want what they are conditioned not to want. He argues, perhaps provocatively, that cheating on a partner without ending the relationship is in fact an affirmation of love.

“There’s this belief that if a man cheats on his wife or girlfriend, it either means she hasn’t provided enough sexual fulfilment – which is a horrible thing to say to a woman – or 46

that the guy is looking for fulfilment elsewhere,” Anderson says. “But I spoke to these young men who weren’t forced to stay with their partners – they had no financial or formal obligation to stay with them and they told me, ‘I just want sex with someone else’. In a weird way, it’s a symbol of their love for their partner that they want to keep the relationship, but just want sex with another person.

“The prevailing message is that if men cheat on their partners, they’re either scum or they don’t love the woman they’re with. Between those messages and my message, which is that men just want sex with someone else, which

“

Why do we consider monogamy moral?

”

is healthier? In that argument, it’s the expectation of monogamy that’s unhealthy.”

Anderson’s focus on men has been seized upon by some detractors as inherently anti-woman, as license for men to cheat on their wives or girlfriends by invoking “biological urges” as a get-out-of-jail-free card. But he is quick to insist that his conclusions apply equally to women – men are merely the focus because male behaviour is his area of speciality.

“Monogamy also fails women,” he insists. “Academic feminists have been saying for years that marriage introduces power and patriarchy into a relationship. And while monogamy might serve some men well, particularly those with low sex drives, it doesn’t come naturally. It’s a social expectation. If it came naturally, we wouldn’t have to talk about it all the time.”

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Photos: Getty; Thinkstock

Clockwise: open relationships are awesome; Tiger’s missus wasn’t into it; but Hillary didn’t mind as much

Traditionalists, of course, will interpret Anderson’s anything-goes approach as yet another attack on the besieged definition of marriage as a union between one man and one woman. Anderson, for his part, is not anti-marriage – he is, though, prepared to question what marriage means.

“Marriage doesn’t have to imply sexual fidelity – the concept of marriage means you’re devoted, but that doesn’t have to mean sexual exclusivity,” he says.

“Many stigmas of sexuality have dropped away. You’ve now got a hook-up culture where people can go and meet someone in a club. Oral sex and anal sex used to be completely taboo but aren’t any more. One stigma that has remained, though, is against open relationships.

“Why do we consider monogamy moral? Why can’t open relationships be considered moral?”

Resistance to Anderson’s theories runs deep among those committed to preserving marriage – defined as being between one man and one woman – as the bedrock of society.

“Successful civilisations have had that union between a man and a woman at their core,” argues Alistair Thompson, spokesman for the Coalition For Marriage, a grassroots organisation that lobbies on behalf of conventional marriage.

“To suggest it’s desirable to have polygamy or open relationships is risible. All the statistics show the life chances of children are dramatically improved by stable family units – they do better at school, they have greater life expectancy, they form more stable relationships, they are less likely to become caught up in the criminal justice system. Hard-wired into humans is the importance of relationships and stability.

“So I fundamenally disagree that monogamy is a bad thing. For an academic to publish a book like this – it just sounds like a charter for philanderers. I think we’ve come a long way from when it was just about bonking everything that moved.”

Wonder what Tiger, Bill and Arnie think about that.

MORE NO LONG MERRIER BLAME THE MACHINES In many parts of the world, men are free to marry as many women as they want. For example, South African president Jacob Zuma (above) currently has three wives and another two fiancés.

In the Western world, though, polygamy has become more or less illegal. According to Anderson, the shift occurred when people moved from agrarian, farm-based communities to industrialised ones.

“The restriction to one wife came about with the industrial revolution,” Anderson says. “Until then, if you were working on the farm, it made sense to have lots of wives and lots of kids because it meant more people to help you work. But when men started coming home from the factory without much money, more wives meant more mouths to feed.

“So I think there were economic reasons, along with a healthy dose of Christianity, behind it.”

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IPL-bound: Michael Clarke

CLARKE WEIGHING UP OFFER TO PLAY IPL CRICKET Australian Test captain Michael Clarke is in negotiations with Indian Premier League side Pune Warriors, according to captain Sourav Ganguly.

Clarke has retired from international T20 cricket following an unsuccessful stint as Australian captain. Clarke’s style appears unsuited to the shortest format and he has expressed a desire to focus on Test and 50-over cricket, meaning he would be a surprise inclusion on any IPL roster. However, speaking to local media, former Indian Test captain Sourav Ganguly confirmed the franchise is poised to secure Clarke’s services.

“We’re on the verge of signing [Michael] Clarke. However, he will be available from May,” Ganguly told Indian newspaper The Telegraph.

SHEENS CHALLENGES NRL JUDICIARY RUGBY LEAGUE Wests Tigers coach Tim Sheens fired an extraordinary broadside at the NRL’s referees and tribunal after his side lost to the Dragons 36-12 on Friday night.

“I’ve never known where I stand with the judiciary and the referees from day one,’’ Sheens said after one of his players, Adam Blair, was reported for contact from behind, but similar hits by Dragons players were overlooked.

“In respect to where you can have no penalty and the judiciary will cite and you can have a referee put them on report and they don’t go. It is difficult. They’re on different pages sometimes.”

As well as coaching the Tigers, Sheens coaches the Australian national side, so his comments perhaps carry extra weight.

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REGISTRATIONS CLOSE 9th April 2012 £420 per team £60 per individual (£5 per game) Females playing MIXED and LADIES = £90 (for both) Different payment options available 0787 2606 763 www.action-netball.co.uk action.netball@gmail.com

MUNDINE KEEN BIG WEEK FOR ... FOR CRACK AT CHAVEZ

English BOXING cricket captain Andrew Strauss will Anthony down theand final lead his sideMundine into battle is against Srito Lanka two set fighters secureseries a fight must the tonevying after atoshocking againstPakistan.

Mexican against The Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. time challenges of Strauss’s Mundine in charge havesaid beenit’s teambetween him and British focused but, individually, he and Commonwealth desperately needs some runs Martin –champion since the start of 2010, he’s Murray for a June 1631. In averaging a touch over withteam, Chavez, thesuch about winning it’s not middleweight aWBA problem, but if the team champion, whose starts losing and the record is 45-0. captain can’t score, “It’s really that’s trouble up England. to the for Chavez

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QUOTES OF THE WEEK The only person who would have spent more time on the ice than me was Ben Cousins Speed skater Steven Bradbury jokes about former West Coast captain Ben Cousins – at West Coast’s season launch. Crickets

John Terry and his mates must deliver

PREVIEW Crunch-time for Chelsea’s old guard MANCHESTER CITY V CHELSEA

WEDNESDAY 7PM, SKY SPORTS 2

CHELSEA V SPURS

SATURDAY NOON, SKY SPORTS 2 Chelsea are the last English side in the Champions League, but before they meet Benefica in the quarter-finals next week, they have two domestic fixtures that could determine whether they qualify for next year’s tournament.

Should Chelsea lose to Manchester City on Wednesday, they will likely find themselves anchored in fifth place – only the top four go through to the Champions

League – before hosting Tottenham in the weekend’s bumper London derby.

It’s a tricky equation for Chelsea’s veterans – John Terry, Frank Lampard, Didier Drogba. They used their influence to get rid of Andre Villas-Boas and their performances in the fightback against Napoli brought a measure of vindication.

But, with Barcelona their likely opponent in the last four, can they really hope to go all the way? Should they lose to City and Spurs this week, they could find themselves out of the tournament entirely next year, a setback that may finally persuade Roman Abramovich to break up an ageing squad.

THE CHAT | Australian swimming funding row

We have to win the league to save our season. If we don’t win the league, it will have been a really bad season Manchester United defender Patrice Evra promises intense focus on the Premier League after bowing out of Europe

There’s always spit coming out. Doesn’t matter whether he’s giving us a spray or just talking normally Melbourne Storm captain Cameron Smith after the team copped a half-time rant from coach Craig Bellamy

TV HIGHLIGHTS

Photos: Getty

CRICKET Olympic champion Stephanie Rice is Q Triple annoyed that Ian Thorpe was offered 10-times as much in ‘prepration funds’. Fair enough?

Swimming Australia committed $150,000 to A Absolutely. helping Thorpe prepare for the London Olympics while other athletes had to get by on peanuts. When you consider that Thorpe’s comeback has only ever held novelty value, while the likes of Rice are among Australia’s brightest hopes, it just doesn’t seem to make any sense on a cost-benefit basis.

Thorpe, was, of course, a great swimmer – among the greatest ever – but for the price of bankrolling an elder statesman’s speculative return to the pool, investment could have been made in a dozen swimmers whose best is still ahead of them.

Australia v West Indies The third ODI from Kingstown Tuesday 1.30pm, Sky Sports 3

RUGBY UNION Brumbies v Highlanders A big game between two early bolters Saturday 8.30am, Sky Sports 1

TENNIS Miami Masters Annoyed: Stephanie Rice

The big three keep circling each other Saturday 3pm, Sky Sports 4 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: TOM STURROCK tom.sturrock@tntmagazine.com

Robin van Persie has starred for Arsenal

Wenger’s resurgent Arsenal chase stirring moral victory Gunners punch above their weight when it comes to spending

» Agree or disagree? Has Wenger proved his critics wrong? letters@tntmagazine.com 50

Adelaide Crows recruiter Matt Rendell quit after claiming his club would overlook indigenous players unless they had one white parent, forcing the code to revisit the race issue.

Clubs are, of course, free to recruit whichever players they believe will deliver the most value. If there are question marks over whether an indigenous kid from a remote community will be able to make the transition to life in the big city, with the attendant responsibilities of professional football, clubs are entirely within their rights to look elsewhere. There is no quota system and nor should there be.

“

There is no quota system in the AFL

”

But the suggestion that a player would be assessed solely on race – he’s black, no thanks – is so retrograde that it’s hard to believe. It’s a view 30 years out of date.

Ultimately, though, if any recruiter passes on the next Cyril Rioli, Lance Franklin or Adam Goodes because of misgivings about race, who’s the loser?

Photos: Getty

Last September, it was fashionable to conclude that Arsenal were a cooked goose.

The manager, Arsène Wenger, simply hadn’t spent enough, hadn’t grasped the realities of modern football, went the refrain. But a top-three finish is again on the cards, a result which would deliver emphatic vindication of Wenger’s methods, along with a generous helping of humble pie for his critics.

Back then, Arsenal had been thumped 8-2 by Manchester United, and twice coughed up leads en route to a deflating 4-3 loss to Blackburn. The loss of Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri had left a gaping hole in their midfield and their disordered back four was haemorrhaging goals. In those dark days, Arsenal looked for all money like they would fall short of the top-four finish required for Champions League qualification; indeed, the early form of Liverpool and Newcastle suggested they could even finish outside the top six for the first time since 1994-95. No doomsday scenario was deemed too dramatic. And it was, of course, Wenger’s fault. He had allowed Arsenal to be outspent and overtaken.

Yet, here we are in March and, although there is still time for it to all fall apart, Arsenal look more likely to make the top four than to miss. The Manchester clubs will battle it out for the top two but there is a three-way London derby in the spots below them, with Arsenal, Tottenham and Chelsea scrapping it out for the final Champions League places.

Arsenal have the fifth-highest wage bill in the Premier League – they do not, unlike Chelsea, spend £50m on strikers and they face an uphill battle to retain their best players when richer clubs come calling. In light of that, it is a remarkable feat for Wenger to keep his side in the top four, out-performing more expensive squads. Wenger may be inclined to spend more heavily this summer, partly to convince star striker Robin van Persie to stick around, but should Arsenal shade their London rivals in the remainder of the season, the fans and the pundits should finally concede that the gaffer knows what he’s doing.

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Top dogs chasing tails England are vulnerable after a shambolic defeat to Pakistan WORDS TOM STURROCK

When scanning the cricket calendar, it would be easy to overlook the two-Test series between England and Sri Lanka, starting in Galle on Monday. But if the fixturing suggests this series is an afterthought, England’s disastrous showing against Pakistan earlier this year, when Andrew Strauss’s team were whitewashed 3-0 in the United Arab Emirates, infuses these Tests with urgency. England, in case you hadn’t heard, are the world’s top-ranked Test side, so consecutive losses on the sub-continent would be interpreted by all and sundry as a major wobble. England, if they are to preserve their status as Test cricket’s top dogs, need to rediscover the winning habit.

“It’s huge,” agrees Nick Knight, the former England batsman who is now a Sky Sports commentator. “England played so poorly against Pakistan that it really gives this series an edge. The fact it’s only two matches makes it difficult, but England’s position as the world’s best Test team has really been put under pressure and it’s a chance to put right the wrongs after the last series.”

Against Pakistan, England were brought undone by Saeed Ajmal and Abdur Rehman, a pair of spinners whose variation and disguise completely unnerved the touring batsmen. The tale is so familiar it has become a cliché – English batsmen have filled their boots in recent years but, on a crumbling wicket against a couple of tricksy sub-continental tweakers, they couldn’t get the ball off the square.

“Spin has been the nemesis for many years,” Knight laments. “It’s just that we don’t see much of it in English conditions. There’s not the same mystery or the doosras that you get on the sub-continent, so it’s not until you get over there that you find out whether you’re going to sink or swim. It becomes a mental issue, although I think this tour to Sri Lanka will be a little bit easier than the tour to Pakistan – I don’t think they’ll fear this spin attack quite as much.”

Last August, England humiliated India to become the 52

world’s top Test nation but their struggles on the subcontinent have ruffled their feathers almost before they’ve had time to preen. It’s been 11 years, almost to the week, since Graeme Thorpe and Darren Gough inspired a stirring, come-from-behind 2-1 series win in Sri Lanka – no England side has won an away series against Sri Lanka, Pakistan or India since. Knight acknowledges that if England are to be regarded as a great side, as opposed to a very good one, they must break their sub-continental hoodoo.

“

England won’t fear Sri Lanka’s spin attack

”

“Some very good sides have struggled on the subcontinent,” Knight begins. Is it churlish to remind an Englishman that Australia have completed away series wins against all of India, Sri Lanka and Pakistan since England’s 2001 triumph? “But if you earn the right to be considered the best side in the world,” he continues. “Then you should be able to win anywhere, so the pressure is on to come away with a result. I think they’ll do pretty well – a few of the guys have gone over early after Andy Flower made it known they were under-prepared against Pakistan and I think Sri Lanka have played a lot of 50-over cricket recently, which might make it harder for them to adjust.”

It is a measure of England’s success during the past three years that their capitulation against Pakistan, which came after nine unbeaten series, did not spark a flurry of changes.

Given the conditions, Knight expects England to play two spinners, Graeme Swann and Monty Panesar, alongside seamers Stuart Broad and James Anderson. The question,

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Photos: Getty

Clockwise: Tim Bresnan could get a run; Monty Panesar has fought back; Nick Knight predicts an England win

as he sees it, is how best to replace Eoin Morgan, the sole batsman thrown on the pyre after failing against Pakistan.

“I think there are 10 certainties and one position up for grabs,” Knight says, advocating a departure from coach Andy Flower’s orthodox set-up of six batsmen, a keeper and four bowlers. “Tim Bresnan, Ravi Bopara and Samit Patel are vying for the spot at six or seven, with Matthew Prior possibly coming up in the order.

“I’d take Bresnan, purely for a bit of reverse swing to help out with the bowling. I think that, if it’s just two other seamers, that could be a bit tough. Bresnan can bat a bit as well, so you push Prior to six, then Bresnan, then Broad at eight. That depends a lot on conditions and Andy is a stubborn guy, in the best possible way. It’s worked for him in the past so why should he change?”

Setting aside England’s ambition to secure a rare victory on the sub-continent, the bigger picture takes account of this summer’s series against South Africa, a heavyweight title-fight to determine, more persuasively than the flawed ranking system, which nation is truly at the top of Test cricket’s tree. Knight acknowledges that England regaining momentum against Sri Lanka is almost as important as the result itself.

“If batsmen, in particular, are struggling for form, it’s not a great place to be. This England team is very settled, but it doesn’t take much for it to become unsettled,” Knight says.

Indeed, Andrew Strauss, the England captain, will be as keen as any of his men to find his groove, having endured a lean run with the bat that dates back to the start of 2010.

“Certainly, Strauss has to score some runs – not that his position is under any threat,” Knight says. “He’s got nothing to worry about but, leading the side, scoring runs is important mentally. Although, even if he doesn’t score runs against Sri Lanka or the West Indies, he’d still be in my side for the first Test against South Africa.”

THE KEY WICKETS SRI LANKA’S MAIN MEN In the 30 years since Sri Lanka began playing Test cricket, no players have contributed as much with the bat as Kumar Sangakkara (above left) and Mahela Jayawardene.

Last December, Jayawardene became the first Sri Lankan to amass 10,000 Test runs and Sangakkara is not far behind. Against South Africa in 2006, the pair combined for the highest partnership in the history of Test cricket, demoralising the Proteas attack with a 624run stand for the third wicket.

England will be hoping there is no encore in the upcoming series and, certainly, if they can dismiss this pair cheaply, the Sri Lankan batting order could prove brittle. Tillakaratne Dilshan and Thilan Samaraweera are both capable batsmen but Sangakkara and Jayawardene are the bedrock of the middle order and of Sri Lankan cricket in general.

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TRAVEL LATE DEALS | HOTSHOTS | TRAVEL TIPS | TOP FIVE | TOURS | BIG TRIP IMAGE OF THE WEEK

RAGING BULL French bullfighter Thomas Duffau makes a pass during Valencia’s Las Fallas festival.

The famous fiesta is best known for its burning effigies, but bullfights and street parties are a big part of the celebrations, too. No word on why Duffau has chosen to sport such an effeminate outfit, however.

Photos: Thinkstock, Memmo Baleeira Hotel, Getty

INSIDE

TWO TO TANDEM /58

ACTION ALGARVE /68

ADVENTURE CALLS /74

Go to the Forest of Dean, on the Welsh border, for some strange days out, from llama-trekking to tandem-biking.

This Portuguese hotspot may attract sunseekers, but if you’re full of energy, there’s plenty here to leave you breathless.

From old-world Fes, to mad Marrakech, by way of weed-infused Essaouira, you’ll never be bored in Morocco.

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TRAVELDIARY

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Laura Chubb ACTING TRAVEL EDITOR

IDIOCRACY It’s not unusual to be confronted with a damning example of humanity’s rapid decline from ‘intelligent life’ to several leagues below pond scum, but a recent survey showing that more than half of Britons think Everest is the tallest mountain in the UK pretty much takes the cake.

Colourful parades precede the day of silence

NYEPI (BALINESE NEW YEAR) Bali, Indonesia Bali rings in the Lunar New Year in a most unconventional way – with complete silence. On Nyepi Eve, the streets come alive with parades. But 23 at sunrise the next morning, Bali’s day of silence begins. Shops, bars, restaurants and even the international airport shut down, and no one can leave their home for 24 hours.

MAR

WHY: Nyepi celebrations are meant to ward off evil spirits that visit in the new year. The Balinese believe that when these spirits descend upon the island and fail to see any signs of life in the streets, they’ll decide that Bali is deserted and leave the island alone until next year. Cunning.

TANZ BREMEN Bremen, Germany

The best choreographers, dancers and emerging 16-25 companies from around the world come together for a week of performances, films and workshops showcasing contemporary dance.

MAR

tanz-bremen.com

FESTIVAL BEAUCERON DE L’ÉRABLE Saint-Georges, Canada

balitourismboard.org

STRASBOURG CARNIVAL Strasbourg, France

It’s party time in Strasbourg this week. More than 40 20 floats and 3000 entertainers will parade through the town, followed by live music and samba dancing, all in aid of the return of spring. Put on your dancing shoes.

MAR

strasbourg.eu/en

FESTIVAL OF BALLOONS Dallas, US

This Maple Festival honours the town’s historic ties to 18-25 maple syrup production and the industry in Quebec. Expect food fairs, parades, sleigh rides and, of course, stands stacked with pancakes slathered in syrup. Maybe make an advance appointment with your dentist.

MAR

festivalbeaucerondelerable.com

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DO IT BECAUSE: The day of silence is meant for self-reflection. But if long stretches of pondering ain’t your bag, the unique eerieness of the experience should compensate. The lead-up to the day is a blast, too, with fireworks and music.

Held on the final day of the World Balloon Convention 25 (yes, really), this colourful festival presents the best balloon art from artists across the globe – ranging from tiny tabletop displays to ceilinghigh inflatable sculptures. Take a pin.

MAR

worldballoonconvention.com

Photos: Getty

If this survey is to be believed, a quarter of British adults think that Ayers Rock, or Uluru, is a UK landmark, and one in five can’t even name the countries that make up the United Kingdom.

Journeys of Distinction, the tour operator responsible for the poll, reckons the results are indicative of humankind’s growing reliance on satnav and online route maps.

Who needs basic knowledge when a machine can do the detailed stuff for you?

This sinister comment on the accelerating erosion of anything resembling a human brain cell puts me in mind of the Mike Judge movie Idiocracy, where the human race of 500 years hence has become so dumb, the number-one film at the box office is called Ass, and simply shows a close-up of an arse farting for an hour.

There is, however, a dull ray of hope, which is to wonder where Journeys of Distinction sourced these 2000 Brit adults for questioning. Hopefully the operator was lazy enough not to bother putting time into seeking out a sample that is truly representative of the British public today. And yet, I fear that the situation out there could be worse than I comprehend.

Either way, if we’re to take one thing from this poll, then it’s that the more you travel and actually see these places, the smarter you are.

Give yourselves a gold star, boffins!

We’re top of the class – and never has it been so much fun.

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BUDGET SPACE TRAVEL Forget Virgin Galactic’s space flights – a new design for a ‘star tram’ is proposing to send people into space by train within the next 20 years. The rather ambitious plan involves building a railway driven by superconducting cables, suspended in the air by magnetic forces.

(The inventor behind the idea is responsible for Shanghai’s new ‘magnetic levitation’ trains, propelled up to 270mph by magnets.) The £40bn proposal is predicted to make space travel more affordable for the average Joe – which means you could be riding the easyStarTram into the cosmos in no time.

TAKE THAT, JET LAG! A new contraption that claims to solve the problem of jet lag is being trialled by Finnair. The Valkee bright-light headset radiates a light into the ear canal and is believed to help the brain adapt more quickly to a change in time zone. The trial will begin in the business class section of Finnair’s flights between Shanghai and Helsinki at the end of this month. If successful, the headset could be made more widely available.

Harvard sleep physician Lawrence Epstein confirmed that bright light delivered at the right time can quicken adaptation.

OLYMPICS EXODUS The government might be telling Brits to holiday at home this summer with its new campaign and 20.12 per cent discounts (great2012offers.com), but 79 per cent of people are still planning to holiday abroad during the Olympics, according to a poll by Explore. A Facebook survey by the tour operator found that just 19 per cent of folk planned to stay at home for the 2012 Games, while a whopping 89 per cent of those who said they were still intent on going abroad explained it was so they could escape the Olympics entirely.

Will you be escaping? letters@tntmagazine.com.

RARE SIGHTING FOR NZ People based in New Zealand are to be presented with a rare chance to witness Venus cross the sun in June. The transit of the planet across the face of the fire in the sky will not occur again for another 105 years. Sky-gazers will see a black dot moving over the bright disc of the sun on June 6.

It will take Venus six hours to cross, giving Kiwis plenty of time to catch it in transit. However, a solar viewing device should be used to prevent damage to the eyes. The Stardome Observatory & Planetarium in Auckland will host a public open day with free viewing.

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Embark on a canoe safari of the River Wye

EAT, DRINK, SLEEP

Forest of Dean GLOUCESTERSHIRE, ENGLAND

ENGLAND

Forest of Dean

Lydney LONDON

GETTING THERE The Forest of Dean can be accessed in less than 3hrs by car from London, along the M4 and M48. Train tickets between London Paddington and Lydney cost from £12.50 each way. (firstgreatwestern.co.uk)

The Sculpture Trail

In the middle of the forest, and easy to find from the cycle trails, Gaveller’s Café, Beechenhurst Lodge does cream teas, homemade cakes, bacon butties, chips, burgers and the like.

Don’t expect to spend more than about £4pp. (gavellerscafe.co.uk) Positioned right on the cycling trails and near the mountain biking area, the Pedalabikeaway Cafe serves up pizza and pasties for about £2-£5. (pedalabikeaway.co.uk) A short drive from the main forest area, down the road from Coleford, The Boat has a stunning riverside beer garden (with waterfall) and live music on a Thursday evening. Local ales from £2.90 a pint. (theboatpenallt.co.uk) The rustic atmosphere at The Fountain Inn & Lodge is best enjoyed with a few ales, from a refreshing £2.10 a pint. (fountaininnandlodge.co.uk) Stay in a luxury tipi in the Wye Valley with Tipi Adventure. Each tipi sleeps seven and comes with a toilet. From £180pn. (tipiadventure.co.uk)

Try a bicycle made for two; above: sleep in a tipi; left: hike with llamas 58

A short distance from the main cycling area and in the forest, The Fountain Inn & Lodge has bunkhouses from £11pppn. (fountaininnandlodge.co.uk)

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UKTRIP

It takes two to tandem Go down to the woods for some strange days out, from llama-trekking to extreme biking

Photos: Lara Dunn, Thinkstock

WORDS LARA DUNN

“Small hill coming, left turn, now PEDAL!” It’s strange the sort of conversation you have when riding a tandem, especially considering that all I can see of my ‘pilot’ – as the front rider is known – is his arse.

When choosing who to ride with, it’s best to pick someone you trust, especially if you’re letting them lead. If you’re playing the part of ‘stoker’, or the one on the back, ultimately all you are is a dumb pair of legs. The pilot is the one making all the decisions. More importantly, though, make sure your frontman has a nice butt, as that’s all you’re going to see for the duration of your ride.

We’re on a downhill section now, and this is where having two riders together on one bike comes into its own. We are flying. Trees whip past as we careen down the trail, barely in control. I’m relieved that we’re on the Forest of Dean’s cycling trails, well away from traffic.

After all, stick two people together on the same bike and there are going to be teething problems. Both sets of pedals are linked, so the two riders have to pedal (or not) at exactly the same time. For the stoker, it’s tempting to lean into corners, a no-no for balance, while the pilot’s job is steering. We’ve already fallen off once, thanks to a wobbly start, followed by me pulling my feet off the pedals in panic.

I reckon we’ve (largely) got it sussed now, though, and the signposted paths winding through the dense verdure of this royal forest are huge amounts of fun.

There’s something really sociable about sharing a bike.

Instead of having to yell at each other as the wind tears our voices away, we’re cocooned in our own intimate bubble where chatting is easy. On the back, it’s a bit of a magical mystery tour; I can see to my sides, but that’s pretty much it, while, up front, my mate is having to do all the steering (and, truth be told, most of the pedalling work).

Riding tandem is just one of various unusual ways to enjoy the Forest of Dean, tucked away on the border between Wales and England. I have also wandered the forest’s rather cool Sculpture Trail, which makes a walk in the woods that bit more interesting. Opened in 1986, the 3.5-mile trail lies in the centre of the forest, and is scattered with sizeable sculptures created by different artists – of which more are regularly added. The newest, David Cotterrell’s Hill33, is reminiscent of a Mayan temple rising from the trees and Annie

Cattrell’s Echo is cast from 310-million year-old chunks of rock.

The trail encourages the walker to venture deeper into the woods, like Hansel and Gretel’s breadcrumb trail, but less evil.

Still, for interesting walks, it’s hard to beat ambling along the River Wye with a llama in tow. There’s a herd of them here, and even a few camels, that you can take out for a day’s stroll. They’ll keep you company and even carry your bag for you. Moira and Alastair Fraser, who run Severn Wye Llama trekking, explain: “After 5000 years as a beast of burden in the Andes, the llama is your ideal walking companion. They provide quiet, stable, environmentally

“

Llamas will carry your bag for you

”

friendly companionship during your walking day.” Far from their bad-tempered reputation, the animals are actually very cute and quite patient. Apparently they only spit when you really upset them. Bit like people, really.

The River Wye itself is one of the cleanest rivers in Britain.

A multi-day canoe safari is a brilliant way to see the area, and you can stay in a tipi along the way, if you like. There’s also Symond’s Yat, a well-known rock-climbing area and a great place to spot peregrine falcons, which the area is known for.

There’s nothing for it – I’m just going to have to come back and NEXT WEEK sample more of the Forest of Going down ‘The Dean’s weird and wonderful days Toilet’ in Wales. out. Maybe I’ll let a camel carry my Yes, really. bag next time. ❚

Tandem hire is £30 for a full day or £20 for 4hrs forestbikes.com Llama trekking costs £40pp, which includes two llamas for 5hrs severnwyellamatrekking.co.uk Canoe hire from £12 for 1hr canoethewye.co.uk A tipi for one night with two days of canoeing for five-to-six people is £450 tipiadventure.co.uk

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Excludes flights. Book by March 31; departs April 24.

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HOTSHOTS

RUTH ROXANNE BOARD Talks travel photography

WINNER

HOT TIPS: Subverting expectations Spotting oddities is an extremely useful skill for the budding photographer. We’ve all seen the postcard image of the sunset, the coastline, that wacky Pisa shot, but a little subversion goes a long way, challenging people’s expectations, surprising and entertaining. It’s the classic magician’s trick of distraction: make people think

they are seeing one thing, then delight them with another.

Typography can make an interesting project. Every culture has their own way of using signs and symbols that they think is universal. Try avoiding the obvious and seek out the shot no one else is taking. A little thinking outside the box will certainly pay off.

RUNNER-UP

WINNER REFLECTING ON ST TROPEZ Ryan Dobbs, Gold Coast, Australia

WHY IT WORKS At first glance, the image looks abstract, like the camera is shaking as the shot is taken. Upon closer inspection, the image starts to reveal that the erratic lines are, in fact, the reflected masts of the boats above. An everyday nautical scene has been turned on its head. The appeal is the little surprise you get when you work out what you are looking at.

RUNNER-UP EXIT VENICE Luke Hockey, Geelong, Australia

WHY IT WORKS This humorous image captures the quirky nature of overseas travel. Health and safety is not always top of the agenda, but the Venetians have cleverly pointed out the fire exit through their homemade signage. The different languages for the two exit signs also make me giggle.

The Italians get to go through the door while everyone else has to take their chances in the canal.

A THREE-DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com).

Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

WIN

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ALTERNATIVE BEER FESTIVALS

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THE BELGIAN BEER WEEKEND, BRUSSELS

The Knighthood of the Brewers Mash Staff, at the Belgian Beer Weekend, are serious about beer

There aren’t many better excuses for travel than to visit a festival devoted to beer. However, with Oktoberfest still quite a long way off, we’ve picked five alternative events paying tribute to our favourite hops-based tipple to keep you going until then.

Belgians are notoriously serious about their beer. For a start, their brews tend to average about 8 per cent proof.

And so it only seems right to pick a nation that drinks the rest of the world under the table for the location of our top alternative beer festival.

This year, the 14th Belgian Beer Weekend is happening on the weekend of August 31-September 2. Beer lovers will see the Grand Place in Brussels filled with brews from both small and large Belgian brewers.

Not only is Belgian beer the most potent, but the country is also known for creating the biggest choice of colours and flavours in the world. There are 450 types of beer – fruity beers, red beers, golden beers and beers that have been brewed since the Middle Ages.

And many have special glasses that are 64 00

only allowed to be used for that type of beer. ‘Dedication’ isn’t the word.

While you swill the heady Belgian brew, you’ll see processions of historical brewery carts and beer wagons, plus live marching bands.

But the best part of the procession is the brewers themselves, who take tradition seriously. The ‘Knighthood of the Brewers Mash Staff’ – aka the Belgian Brewers Guild, made up of those who have made a significant contribution to the profession – wear historical brewers’ garb as they parade through the streets around the Grand Place. The Mash Staff take their drinking so seriously, they’ve set up a series of annual festivals devoted to Gambrinus, the ‘King of Beer’ – a 13th-century Flanders monarch who loved his ale more than most.

Stay nearby, at 2 Go 4, just down the road from the Grand Place (rooms from £20 per person per night) – you’ll be thankful after a few litres.

Can you squeeze all 450 types of Belgian beer into one weekend? weekenddelabiere.be

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WISCONSIN, US

The Great Taste of the Midwest is an all-American beer event, held on the second Saturday of August every year.

Attracting 6000 people to the OlinTurville Park in Madison, the relatively intimate event celebrates brews from the likes of Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Missouri and Nebraska.

There’s real ale, root beer, cider, stout, red beer, lager and everything in between – all brewed in the U-S-of-A’s Midwest. Tickets are £32. mhtg.org

Photos: Getty, Belgian Brewers

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STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN

This is one for ale aficionados – as well as being Scandinavia’s top beer, cider and whisky festival, with hundreds of beers from around the world, there are plenty of ale appreciation classes to attend, too.

September 27 will kick off Stockholm Beer & Whisky Festival. Any brewers worth their salt will be here, and there’ll be accolades up for grabs, including best fresh beer, best blonde lager, best porter and best Swedish beer. It’s £19 a ticket. stockholmbeer.se

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QINGDAO, CHINA

‘Plumpy pillows’

In the beer capital of China and home of Tsingtao beer, Qingdao International Beer Festival presents two weeks of beer-chugging summer fun.

On the coast, by the Yellow Sea, it’s a beachside festival that’s happening from August 11-26. Catch a glimpse of China’s drinking culture – think karaoke, dancing ladies and global music. And there’ll be big beer names representing countries from around the world, from Corona to Asahi to Bud. Entry is £1. qingdaochinaguide.com

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HASTINGS, UK

Beer and music go together like fish and chips, so Hastings Beer & Music Festival on July 6-7 makes perfect sense.

It’ll have more than 80 different ales, bitters, milds and stouts, plus a couple of ciders for good measure.

Entry’s a tenner, and for your ticket price, you’ll get to drink to live bands (Keane and Status Quo have played in the past), acrobats, comedians, contortionists and dancers.

You’ll also be raising the pint glass for a good cause – proceeds go to charity.

ALEKSANTERI OVERVIEW Plumpy pillows and minimal, functional design is what you get at the Sokos Hotels in Helsinki. We stayed at the Aleksanteri branch, right next to the historical Alexander Theatre and just 10 minutes’ walk from the main terminal, where the bus arrives from the airport.

The hotel is in the heart of the city and only five minutes from all the main attractions, especially all the exhibitions you’ll want to see during Helsinki’s moment as World Design Capital of the Year.

WOW FACTOR After a hard day’s sightseeing and viewing too-cool-for-school designer wares, the perfect antidote is relaxing in what is Finland’s favourite pastime, the sauna. The one at the Sokos Aleksanteri is open from 5pm9pm and if you don’t fancy going out again once you’re nice and warm, then you could do worse than pay the Fransmanni French restaurant a visit, or just grab a burger from the bar.

BILL PLEASE From €92pppn (about £77), with breakfast.

Albertinkatu 34, 00180 Helsinki sokoshotels.fi Get there with FinnAir from £199 return (finnair.com)

hbmf.co.uk

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TRAVELTIPS

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If your tip is printed, you’ll win vouchers (worth up to £60) for entry for two into one of No.1 Traveller’s airport lounges at Heathrow, Gatwick or Stansted. With complimentary food and drinks, free Wi-Fi and newspapers and magazines, your trip will get off to a flying start. See No1Traveller.com Tweet your tip to @tntmagazine.com Email traveltips@tntmagazine.com Text TNT and your message to 81707* *Messages cost 25p each + standard network rate.

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READERS’ TIPS

YOU ASKED FOR IT...

LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

want to visit Eastern Europe during Q Ithe summer. I’m a solo female traveller, so what would be the safest mode of transport to take between the different countries and cities? Kiera, via email find trains your best bet. Hiring a car A You’ll can be tricky through multiple countries,

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in late December. We would like to travel independently and stay in budget and/or mid-range accommodation. We still haven’t quite worked out the travel arrangements between different towns. Any suggestions would be welcome. Sarad, via email impossible to discuss travel to Myanmar A It’s without considering its current political situation. You should choose carefully how and where you travel, as how you spend your money will affect the lives of the local people. Choosing to stay in small, family-run accommodation is a good idea, as you’ll not be contributing as much money to the government. Lonely Planet’s new Myanmar guide offers hundreds of accommodation options that are believed to be run independently. Bear in mind that a tax of at least 10 per cent goes to the Myanmar government, no matter where you stay.

Travelling by air will mean more money goes to the government but buses, trains and trishaws (cycle rickshaws) are all available. Buses are one of the most convenient modes of transport in the country, often both faster and cheaper than travelling by the archaic train network. Longer journeys are often served by night buses.

It is wise to pre-book a couple of days in advance for popular bus routes, such as Bagan to Inle Lake. As you are visiting in high season, you will also need to book your accommodation in advance.

This is probably the best travel tip we’ve ever heard. Gemma assures us that she has done it and that it works!

– Travel Ed DON’T BE STINGY Make sure you don’t stinge on your hiking shoes or your backpack. These items will be your best friend or worst enemy. Blisters and a sore neck and shoulders don’t make for a good trip.

Aimee Steel, via Facebook

A LONELY PLANET GUIDE

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Lonely Planet’s Laura Lindsay will give you the benefit of her infinite wisdom if you email a question to traveltips@tntmagazine.com.

If your question is answered, you’ll win a Lonely Planet guide of your choice.

This is a reader forum — TNT and Lonely Planet accepts no responsibility for any loss, injury or inconvenience sustained by anyone using the information provided.

Photos: Getty

and flying would mean you miss out on seeing all the glorious countryside in between destinations. Trains are convenient, fast and not too expensive. There’s a great network of trains connecting the major Eastern European cities. You’ll find Rail Europe (raileurope.co.uk) a good resource. Depending on how long you’re travelling for, it might be worth looking into an InterRail pass. This allows you unlimited travel within selected countries for a set period of time.

In terms of safety, encountering problems on the European train network is rare. Take sensible precautions, such as keeping valuables with you and not carrying large amounts of cash.

Seat 61’s website (seat61.com) has reams of information on trains in Eastern Europe if you want an idea of what your transport will be like. Overnight trains are a great way to save on accommodation costs and most have a steward on board to ensure that you get off at your stop.

Book a bed in advance and ask for a single-sex compartment. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing a cabin on the overnight train, you can sometimes book a compartment all to yourself, although this will prove more costly.

Alternatively, stick to travelling during the day.

wife and I are planning on going Q My to Myanmar/Burma for about 14 days

DIRTY PANTS TIP A useful travel tip for OF THE backpackers: get an old WEEK pair of underpants and stain them with coffee granules, then leave them in the top of your backpack. Any sticky-fingered thieves will quickly get deterred if they see dirty pants sitting on top!

Gemma Burnham, via Facebook

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A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

Been somewhere good lately?

Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world.

Files must be at least 500Kb.

BOROVETS, BULGARIA Lauren McLean and Sarah Reynolds, from Australia

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

CONNY POTHMANN, 21

TESSA BRYAN, 26

Cologne, Germany

Melbourne, Australia

BEST Two weeks in Boston in the US. The atmosphere was so different from Germany. The people are much friendlier and there’s an overwhelming amount of things to do. Everything seemed so much bigger. I also spent a day in New York, and it didn’t disappoint.

WORST I went on a backpacking trip in Brazil with a few friends and it rained just about the entire time. We went on the trip to admire the amazing landscapes and ended up in our tent for most it.

Scariest travel experience?

The Terror Tour in the Edinburgh underground vaults – I have never been so freaked out and full of adrenaline. Leaving the tour was like getting off a rollercoaster!

Top travel tip?

You can’t always rely on your smartphone to help you find where you need to go. I highly recommend printing every necessary map that you can before you leave home.

Ideal travel partner?

Someone you can be 100 per cent honest with.

» Tell us your best/worst trips, email laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

SPLASHING OUT

Photos: Thinkstock, TNT

DIVE INTO MALAYSIA Escape to the Tanjong Jara Resort and explore the island of Pulau Tenggol for some of the finest diving in the world.

The Tenggol Diver’s Escape package costs £205pn including a minimum of three nights’ B&B accommodation, and two days of diving including barbecue lunches (ytlhotels.com). Valid until September 30.

THE INSIDER

REBECCA MCKERNAN Manager Intrepid My Adventure Store

My first ever big trip was backpacking through South East Asia for four months. As well as some of the more usual destinations, I got off the beaten track by heading for places such as The Philippines and Burma.

My most challenging travel experience was travelling independently in China. Culturally, it felt so different from everywhere else I’d been, and the language barrier made it tricky to communicate at times.

My favourite place in the world is the Mayan ruins at Tikal and the nearby town of Flores, in Guatemala. It’s a beautiful place that feels really exotic. I know it sounds clichéd, but you’ll meet some of the nicest people in the world there.

The next trip on my travel wishlist is island-hopping in the Caribbean, maybe on a sailing boat.

My top travel tip is don’t take yourself too seriously. Things will always go wrong, but that’s part of the joy of travelling.

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Swell times: wave hello to great breaks; inset: cheeky surfers decorate local signs with stickers [Caption]

Algarve PORTUGAL

PORTUGAL Algarve

Faro

Tavira

Sagres

GETTING GETTINGTHERE THERE Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Fly direct from London Gatwick or London Luton to Faro from ÂŁ36.99 one-way with Monarch, including taxes. (monarch.co.uk).

The writer cycles with a sea view 68

Top to bottom: anchor graveyard on Ilha de Tavira; hiking inland; flamingos in the coastal lagoons [Caption]

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Action in the Algarve This Portuguese hotspot may attract sunseekers, but if you’re full of energy, there’s plenty here to leave you breathless WORDS LAURA CHUBB

Never say ‘Albufeira’ to an Algarve local. Every native of Portugal’s southernmost region to who I’ve blurted the name of the area’s most touristed city has responded with a grimace, or an unimpressed lip curl at best. They seem genuinely mystified by the millions of tourists that flock to the Algarve just to crash out on the sand, and even more so at the numbers choosing to set up in the whitewashed apartments of Albufeira, jammed together in much the same suffocating proximity as the pink bodies jostling on the city’s beaches.

“There is so much more to do here,” is what I hear from the driver who picks me up at the airport, the surfer chick who shows me how to catch a wave, the guides who take me hiking in the Algarve’s mountains – to name but a few. Over a handful of days in the region, I’m struck again and again by this bewilderment at out-of-towners’ failure to discover more than sunbathing.

The first local to show me a more active time in the Algarve is Martha. With her bleached-blonde locks, battered van and Billabong sweatshirt, it’s not hard to guess her line of work.

During our short drive towards Cordama beach in Sagres, on the Vicentina coast, she chatters animatedly about a recent feature on surfline.com. “It named Portugal the best place to surf in the whole world in February,” she says. “I was so excited, I forwarded it to all my friends.”

Perhaps the best part of surfing in Sagres is that swells are most impressive throughout the off-peak tourist season.

Strong winds during summer make better conditions for kite surfing, while winter swells at the west coast’s hollow beach breaks draw serious barrel-hunters and few other punters.

It’s an epic destination for you and your board – miles of deserted golden sand hemmed on one side by jagged, looming cliffs, and the Atlantic Ocean’s endless royal blue on the other.

There’s also a range of beaches suited to beginners – which is good news for me. Wetsuited up and falling clumsily from my foamie in no time, I can see why this is the perfect place to take your first tentative wipe-outs. “We get lots of Aussies coming to us to learn,” Martha tells me.

“Maybe they were embarrassed about being a beginner back home.” In Sagres in winter, there are no crowds to witness your shaky start.

One word of warning – growing renown here has led

to plenty of shonky surf operators setting up with nothing in the way of certification or insurance. Martha co-owns the surf centre at Memmo Baleeira hotel in Sagres, which belongs to the Algarve Surf Association. She recommends you only get involved with ASA-approved outfits.

Aside from surfing, there’s a wealth of ways to be adventurous with a sea view. The Ecovia biking trail traces the Algarve’s coast from end-to-end, covering 214km from Cape St Vincent in the west to Via Real de Santo Antonio in

“

The hollow breaks draw serious surfers

”

the east. As I pedal the 27km from small town Tavira to Via Real, I find myself entertaining wild fantasies of some day riding the whole route. There’s an overwhelming sense of satisfaction that comes with being perched on my saddle, passing peaceful orange groves and the companionable big blue, while, overhead, the sky remains unsullied by clouds.

I breathe it all in and smile at the idea that there’s never a beach far away if I fancy a rest.

Another day, I take a kayak out into the Ria Formosa.

This protected natural park comprises a landscape of coastal lagoons, impossibly blue beneath the ceaseless Algarve sun.

Out here, I get a sense of how the region must have been before package holidays bundled into town. Weather-beaten old guys pick oysters from traps as seabirds circle in the still air, and I spot a grizzled fisherman asleep at the wheel of his boat as it motors past. After about an hour’s paddling, I arrive at an empty beach that stretches further into the distance than I can see.

The region’s former life as an assemblage of sleepy fishing villages is most keenly felt around the Ria Formosa, where there’s a palpable pride in that past. See, for example, the ‘anchor graveyard’ on Ilha de Tavira, arranged in honour of the tuna fishing fleet that was based here.

Curious to find more of an Algarve untouched by time, I head inland to explore the Via Algarviana. The 301km hiking route undulates along the region’s verdant hills TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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and valleys, passing through various rural villages. I take on a 20km section of the trail, where my guides, Ana and Cristina, stop to chat with the elderly folk who congregate in the shade of village trees.

“They don’t see many people, so when we pass through they always like to talk,” explains Ana. “When they die, it will all be ruins,” adds Cristina, looking about her at the small collection of houses and crumbling stone walls. That’s the fate of country life in so many corners of the world nowadays – the young move to the cities, and the village dies with the generation that stays.

I look from the local hand-weaving a basket in the shade of his front doorway to the wild green mountains beyond.

The Algarve receives seven million foreign tourists a year; how cool that even in the most well-trodden places, there’s still so much to discover. ❚ Laura went hiking and biking with Megasport, which offers various active holiday packages and equipment hire megasport.pt; surfing with Memmo Baleeira memmobaleeira.com; and kayaking with Hotel Vila Gale Albacora in Tavira vilagale.pt More on the Algarve at visitalgarve.pt More on the hiking route at viaalgarviana.org

‘When they die, this village will be ruins’

NEXT WEEK See Amsterdam by beer bike and Krakow from the vodka tram

MIDRANGE

LUXURY

EAT

Right outside the car park of Memmo Baleeira in Sagres, there’s a strip of small restaurants dishing up great budget dinners. Take a peek at the menus and see what tickles your fancy. There are burgers from £2.50 and cataplanas – the famous Portuguese seafood stew – from £15 to serve two.

The colourful A Eira do Mel may be Michelin-listed, but it’s a relaxed, friendly eatery in which to enjoy a sublime lamb stew or octopus cataplana after a day surfing Sagres’ waves. Mains from £12. (eiradomel.com)

If you’re looking for something really special, try Henrique Leis in Vale Formoso, Almancil. Expect the likes of duck foie gras with quail breast and truffle. You’ll be laying down about £50 per head, without wine. (henriqueleis.com)

DRINK

Warung in Sagres has cosy couches and cushions, DJs and live music, plus surfer-buddies-in-waiting aplenty. Beers from about £1.70 and spirits from about £2.50. (warung.eu)

Converted from an old farmhouse, Piano Bar Dom Paio is a sophisticated spot in the Pedras d’el Rei resort. The bar serves up surprisingly smooth local firewater and there’s live jazz in summer.

Set in Santa Luzia, the restaurant also cooks up a great octopus with sweet potato. Firewater from £2.50. (pedrasdelrei.com)

The Algarve has relaxed beach bars and surfer hangouts peddling cheap beer in spades. But if you’re looking to splash the cash, try Taberna de Lagos. The vibe is more polished, which means higher drinks prices – think cocktails from £7. (tabernalagos.pt)

SLEEP

About 10km from Sagres, Goodfeeling hostel is surrounded by gorgeous rolling hills and great beaches. Dorms from £13pn. (hostelworld.com)

For a rustic stay, check out Casa do Lavrador in the tiny hillside village of Furnazinhas. The two-storey rooms are huge and homely, complete with country-chic log fire and stone walls.

Owner Judith speaks great English and serves up an amazing breakfast of homemade cheeses and jams.

From £26pn, B&B. (casadolavrador@sapo.pt)

The Memmo Baleeira is an impressive all-white masterclass in modern design, with arresting sea views of Sagres and an in-house surf school. Special offers from £54pn; standard rates from £87pn. (memmobaleeira.com)

Photos: memmohotels; Thinkstock; TNT; Algarve Tourism

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BUDGET

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COLOGNE IN 48 HOURS /72

DJH City-Hostels in Cologne & Düsseldorf DJH City-Hostels in Cologne & Düsseldorf – The new face of hostels • • • • • • • • •

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Reception staffed 24/7 Buffet-style breakfast, optional TV, Wifi and Internet terminals Washing machines and dryers Community kitchens with 3 cooking stations and refrigerators tors The DJH City-Hostels are part of the Hostelling International global network.

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TRAVELWEEKENDER

A slice of culture This is Cologne in 48 hours WORDS LAURA CHUBB

DAY 1: 09:00 Cologne is the fourth largest city in Germany after Berlin, Hamburg and Munich. It’s best known for its raucous carnival in November, one of the biggest street festivals in Europe. But there’s plenty to see in Cologne outside of November. Start by making your way to the city’s most famous landmark, the Kölner Dom, or cathedral.

09:05 Work on the Kölner Dom (Heinrich-Böll-Platz) began in 1248 and was finally completed in 1880. It’s a masterpiece of Gothic architecture – an imposing twinspired structure radiating a vaguely disquieting ghostliness as it stretches up to the sky, clearly belonging to another time (or, at least, a Tim Burton movie). It boasts the second-tallest spires and largest façade of any church in the world, and houses what are thought to be the bones of the Three Kings from The Bible. Admire the magnificent exterior before taking a tour of the various treasures inside (entry is free, tour prices vary). If you’ve got the energy, climb the 509 steps to a viewing platform to look out over the Rhine.

12:00 Right across from the Dom is the Hohenzollern Bridge, one side of which is covered with ‘love locks’.

Couples affix padlocks carved with their names to the bridge to symbolise everlasting love (the practice has claimed a number of bridges around the world, including the Pont de l’Archevêché in Paris). Have a wander along the Hohenzollern to admire the display – it’s fun to spot the loved-up pairs who have attached massive creations to the bridge in an effort to one-up everyone else.

13:00 Head back in the direction of the Dom towards Museum Ludwig (admission £8), which is home to one 72

of the world’s most impressive collections of postmodern art.

Make a beeline for the café first and stockpile some energy for the afternoon ahead. There’s an impressive food menu – we recommend the creamy seafood bisque (about £5), followed by a slice of apple cake.

14:00 The museum’s collection is absolutely huge, so prepare to feel overwhelmed. There are a few don’t-miss exhibits, such as Picasso And Cubism, which is actually demonstrative of a few different phases of the iconic artist’s work, and Pop Art, featuring Andy Warhol’s Brillo Boxes and a few Roy Lichtensteins. Make a plan for what you want to see most, and stop before you start to feel dizzy!

18:00 After a busy day, you deserve a beer. Cologne is famous for its Kölsch, which is served in long, thin 0.2-litre glasses – the antithesis of the huge steins you find in Bavaria. The glass is called a stange, and proves to be a pretty sneaky way of getting you drunk, as you tend to order more, owing to the seemingly small size. Cologne is full of beer halls, but we particularly like Früh Am Dom (Am Hof 12-14), rather handily located by the cathedral. It’s a warren of a place, mostly devoted to food, but there is a drinks-only area downstairs.

21:00 For dinner, head slightly further out of the centre to Päffgen (Friesenstrasse 64-66), where you’ll be jostling with locals for a seat. Rack up more Kölsch and try the schweinshaxe (pork knuckle) with sauerkraut, for about £10.

23:00 Head over to the student district around Luxemberger Strase for a night out. Stereo Wonderland (Ritterstraße 52) is a small, edgy bar with good tunes and regular live music, while the Boogaloo (boogaloo-koeln.de) is a red-

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lit, trippy space offering cheap cocktails. End the night at Rose Club (rose-club-cologne.de) for your indie disco fix, spanning the decades from New Order to Two Door Cinema Club. If cock-rock is more your thing, duck into Blue Shell (blue-shell.de) across the road.

05:00 If you stay at 16C Ulrichgasse, a locally owned flat available through wimdu.co.uk, it’s just a 15-minute walk home, rather than springing for a taxi. Plus, you get your own private bathroom and kitchen. From £51pn, sleeping up to four people.

DAY 2: 13:00 Give yourself a lie-in after your night out. If you’re in need of hangover food, walk up to Severinstrase, choose one of the many kebab shops, and order the frites topped with doner meat. It’s an instant cure, trust us.

15:00 Limit the need for brain power with a trip to the Schokoladen Museum (Am Schokoladenmuseum 1a, admission about £6), which teaches the art of chocolatemaking. Station yourself under the chocolate fountain to sample the goods at the end.

18:00 Get your bratwurst/ schnitzel/ sauerkraut fix at the very reasonable Brennerei Weiss (Hahnenstrasse 22, mains from £4) and then wander to the riverfront to check out Papa Joe’s Jazzlokal (Buttermarkt 37), where you can enjoy old dudes playing live jazz for free.

Now give yourself a pat on the back – that’s Cologne sorted.

Fly direct from London Gatwick to Cologne with easyJet from £64 return easyjet.com

Dainty: Kolsch beer is served in small glasses called stanges

Loved-up: the Hohenzollern bridge is covered with love-locks TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Morocco NORTH AFRICA

Fes

MOROCCO MARRAKECH

GETTING THERE Ryanair flies direct to Marrakech from £181 return. (ryanair.com). Fly to Casablanca with British Midlands International from £103 return. (flybmi.com)

Essaouira

Hold your nose: the famously smelly tannery in Fes. Ammonia from pigeon poo is used to strip animal skin before dyeing it 74

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BIGTRIP

Adventure calls Whether you head to Marrakech, Casablanca, Essaouira or Fes, there’s excitement waiting for you in magical Morocco WORDS REBECCA KENT

WHEN TO GO: Travel outside the peak tourist season, July/ “Balak! Balak!” Fes’s urban hubbub is Mohammed suggests as we navigate the August, to avoid crowds and heat. punctuated by a string of short guttural cries throng. My group makes it to Chouwara During winter, from November to that follow me as I roam the winding alleys tanneries in the heart of the complex, which March, it can get cold and rainy, of the walled medina. But my senses are reveals a fascinating glimpse into an ancient especially in the Atlas mountains. already in overload, taking in food aromas, practice. We look down into giant vats of bleating hawkers, squealing children, distant dye, laid out like a jigsaw puzzle, and full of CURRENCY: £1 = 13.3 traffic, pyramids of colourful spices, fresh men standing knee-deep, dunking animal Moroccan dirhams hunks of slaughtered cow, and shelves skin. The stench here is as iconic as the sight.

ACCOMMODATION: stuffed with patterned leather shoes. The It’s pigeon poo, the ammonia from which is A double room and breakfast in croaking is now closer behind me, and used to strip the skins.

Ryad Naila, in Fes, costs £22.75pn I spin around to face the watery snout Beyond the complex, the skyline is (hostelbookers.com). In Meknes of a mule. ‘’Balak!’’ it turns out, means dominated by a sea of satellite dishes. a double room and breakfast at “watch out!”. I didn’t, and as a result have ‘’We say they are Morocco’s ‘white Riad Yacout costs from £34pn momentarily exchanged hot breath with an flowers’,’’ says a man next to me, who has (expedia.co.uk). Riad Omar in ass. Unperturbed, the beast pushes on into been trying to flog a leather jacket for the Marrakech is £40pn including the labyrinthine old quarter with seven gas past 15 minutes. If it wasn’t for the satellite breakfast (riadomar.com) cylinders fastened to his rump, taking no dishes you could be forgiven for wondering SEE: visitmorocco.com pedestrians for prisoners. which century you’ve accidentally stepped into.

Mules are the only mode of transport that fit into I am three days into a group tour of Morocco’s main cities the bewildering network of narrow, winding alleys in – Casablanca, Meknes, Fes and Marrakech – which we shuttle Fes el-Bali, the city’s old town, and they are subject to between by train. But so far, Fes has captured my heart. stunning improvisation.

There’s something romantic about a place that time seems to “These are Fes’s Michelin taxis,” our tour leader, have overlooked.

Mohammed, says. He stops a passing mule-handler, who Meanwhile, Casablanca, Morocco’s cash cow, is a city upturns the front hoof of his animal to reveal a shoe crafted of contradictions, where wide French-style boulevards from recycled tyre. “Nothing is wasted in the medina.” exist alongside rubble-pit streets, and it has an old centre It’s been 400 years since the Arabs exploded across North that I can see now was a soft introduction to the chaotic Africa and built Fes, now the oldest of the ancient Moroccan atmosphere of the souks in a walled medina. Sheeps liver imperial cities and the country’s religious and cultural centre. and sausages sizzle at barbecue stands, and if you are in for Exploring its streets, it’s evident life continues to move to the a sunny holiday, this is where to get your sunglasses. ‘’One centuries-old traditions on which it was founded. hundred per cent original fakes,’’ is one cheeky vendor’s pitch.

In a poky little room off one of the alleys, a baker cooks Casablanca’s crowning glory is the Hassan II mosque golden discs of bread for families who don’t have an oven of – an immense structure built on a rocky outcrop that can their own. I venture deeper into the maze, my ears ringing accommodate 80,000 worshippers inside and another 25,000 as metal workers in Seffarine Square bash at pots and pans, in its courtyards. It has heated floors, mounds of shiny marble unruffled by the people criss-crossing around them. Carts of and a retractable roof. The third largest mosque in the tangerines and strawberries are whizzed about as boys sell world, it is a structure of Wembley-like proportions. bread from trays balanced on their heads. Cats prowl mounds A late train means the ancient imperial city of Meknes is of rubbish while old men sit on the ground, hawking the just a whistlestop for the group, but we manage to dash into bunches of mint and parsley splayed out in front of them. the Unesco-listed old town and kasbah just before it grows ›› ‘’If you want to get someone lost, send them to Fes,’’ dark, and there’s still enough daylight to appreciate its TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Local ladies make Argan oil from kernels of the Argan tree, a specialty in Essaouira

The fortified coastal town of Essaouira cultural bounty – 45km of high walls, and intricate SpanishMoorish architecture. We snack on olives and dates in the covered market, and stare for probably too long at dubiouslooking cuts and organs in the meat section. Yep, nothing goes to waste.

But Fes has the spirit of both cities and then some. Any Fassi will tell you Fes created the world’s first university – the theological college, Khartoum – centuries before Oxford and Cambridge were a twinkle in anyone’s eye. As a result, the city has grown to become Morocco’s cultural and religious centre. There’s definitely an air of cool authority.

Its people are friendly, too. On my last evening here, a squat man in his fifties pulls up in a delivery van as I try in vain to hail a little red cab. “You go to Old Town?’’ he queries, dashing around to open the door before either myself or my four companions can even answer. He looks far too enthusiastic to be untrustworthy, so we pile in.

Immediately the back seat gives way, and we are reclining awkwardly among a haul of computer monitors and TV screens in the boot. We collapse into a fit of giggles and cannot stop. The rear-vision mirror is skew-whiff and the man drives with worrying abandon.

We enquire about what he does for a job and, in French, he utters something about being a part-time delivery driver.

Then he pauses, and in English, blurts, “I’m a Berber taxi!”.

We take this to mean an illegal cab, but by this stage we’re heaving far too much with laughter about our bit-parts in this comedy sketch to care.

The driver enjoys this, too, and with his foot still firmly on the throttle, turns to look at us. “C’est magnifique,” he beams joyously. We wish he was paying as much attention to 76

the traffic. Nevertheless, we arrive at our destination, having had one of the most enjoyable interactions with a Fassi yet.

The following day, we veer off the tourist trail, 40km south of Fes, to the village of Bhalil. Here, the hands of time have also got stuck. Villagers are turning out for the weekly market, from which I spot two boys wielding a bucket stuffed with a cow’s head. Still nothing is wasted.

We’ve come here to meet Lalla Aicha, an 86-year-old

Marrakech, with the Atlas mountains

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widow who lives in a cave. It’s a rare dwelling, only a few of which have been carved out, among regular houses, here at the foothills of the Atlas mountains. Its elderly owner bounds from a doorway with outstretched arms and multiple kisses for all 10 of us, then invites us into her dome-shaped pad for mint tea, or, as locals like to call it, ‘’Moroccan whiskey’’.

They‘re the only words Lalla Aicha knows how to say in English. Mohammed tells us it’s common for a Moroccan to drink 25 cups a day – usually with a fearsome amount of sugar. ‘’It’s good for healing, it’s good for warming, it’s good for refreshing and, some say a good …’’ he pauses for dramatic effect ‘’… aphrodisiac’’. I choose to believe Lalla Aicha drinks it because it’s refreshing.

“

I shunt from one encounter to the next

”

We take a seat in her cave and she dances over to us with a bucket of water on her head. This granny is phenomenally strong – a result of her 25 cups a day, perhaps?

My last few days are spent in Marrakech, and not even cosmopolitan Casablanca could have prepared me for its grandiose sprawl. The souk-filled medinas inside its dusty pink walls, along with sweeping palm-tree-lined boulevards and glass-fronted shops, really smack you in the face.

I enter Djemaa el-fna, the main square, and it’s like a carpet has been swept from under my feet. Chaos reigns.

Steeling myself, I take on a gauntlet of snake charmers, donkey carts, horse carriages, castanet-clanging water sellers and turbaned potion-makers. I get the jitters when I see that a monkey with an arse shaped like a balloon – in a dress and a dog collar – clocks me, so I dart to the right.

Here, I encounter a row of orange-juice vendors, practically throwing it at me to try – or buy. As I march on, a woman wearing a hijab and pyjama pants grasps my arm.

“Hello madam, you want beautiful henna for your hand?”

I refuse politely, and continue to charge into the guts of the square, like a pinball shunting from one encounter to the ››

Charlie Hopkinson

The Insider's guide Charlie Hopkinson, managing director of tour operator Dragoman, let’s us in on some of Morocco’s secrets.

What’s Morocco’s best-kept secret?

The Kasbah Bab Ourika. Perched on top of a hilltop and nestled alongside a rural village, it’s an amazing getaway with panoramic, 360-degree views. It looks down to the river, olive groves, orange and lemon trees and up to the snowy peaks of the nearby Atlas mountains. I visited while it was being built, and Uma Thurman camped here as one of its first guests.

There’s a swimming pool for guests, too.

What’s Morocco’s best restaurant?

It may not serve the most sophisticated food – it’s simple, traditional Moroccan fare – but the terrace restaurant at the Kasbah du Toubkal has the most stunning views of the Atlas mountains.

Top tip for travelling to Morocco?

Take your thermals! Everyone thinks of Morocco as a hot, dry destination but the temperatures at nighttime, with no cloud cover, can plummet, particularly in the desert. They’ll also come in handy in the Atlas mountains or when climbing Mount Toubkal.

What’s your favourite thing about the country?

Apart from the fact that it’s just a few short hours from the UK, the best thing is its diversity. There’s the Atlas mountains, ancient walled cities, gorgeous beaches, oases, deserts, medinas ... need I go on?

Tell us a little-known fact about Morocco.

Morocco’s film industry earns more than £45m a year and Ait Benhaddou has been used in at least 20 films, including Gladiator. Also, Fes is the home of the oldest and largest medieval walled city in the world, and it’s also considered the world’s largest car-free city.

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next, trying to soak up the atmosphere, but avoiding the hawkers. Despite the cacophony, the melodic muezzin rises above it all in a call to prayer.

After two days in Marrakech, I yearn for a reprieve and find it in the whitewashed fortified coastal town of Essaouira. The Unesco-listed town and fishing port has stunning ocean views and a warren of tiny shops and stands to explore. I resist a camel ride along its curved shore and instead make a beeline for the seafood market, haggling on a price for a plate of scampi, whiting and king prawns for a fiver. Simply slapped on the grill, it proves delicious.

I catch myself in a sun-slackened stupor, and wonder if it’s the sea breeze that has taken the edge off hawkers in Essaouira. But then, I’m offered weed six times in succession.

Nothing may get wasted further north, but it seems down this way, doing just that is encouraged. I’d give my kingdom to escape on one of those rubber-soled donkeys from Fes now, but instead make do with my own feet, wondering which adventure I’ll bounce into next. ❚ Rebecca travelled with Imaginative Traveller, which offers Moroccan adventures from 8-15 days, from £650pp. imaginative-traveller.com

SURVIVAL GUIDE

Bustle: a typically crowded Moroccan medina The writer with Lalla Aicha in her cave home

ESSENTIAL TIPS FOR MOROCCO

A traditional riad Morocco is unique but bewildering, and best explored when you’ve got some helpful advice under your belt.

PARLEZ VOUS FRANCAIS? Learn French phrases and you will be able to interact on another level with locals on another level. Also, greet Moroccans with “assalam aleykum”. The Muslim greeting translates as ‘may peace be with you’. You’ll get a very warm reception.

Photos: Thinkstock, TNT

STAY IN A RIAD Experience life in a labyrinthine medina by staying in a riad (a traditional medina house-hotel built around a courtyard).

You can book a room, as you would at a regular hotel, or rent an entire riad and live like pashas of old.

CARRY PLENTY OF SMALL CHANGE Tipping is part of the fabric of life in Morocco. The local word is ‘baksheesh’, which means somewhere in between tip and bribe.A tip of five or 10 dirhams is expected for almost every small service, so make sure you’re carrying change.

NEXT WEEK

THE RIGHT CLOBBER You can avoid unwanted attention by wearing appropriate clothing. Men should wear trousers rather than shorts, and women, cover your knees. If nothing else, this will keep you protected from the sun. It gets cool at night, so take a jacket.

ANZAC: An essential guide to the big day and where to explore A curious local

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‘EVERY OTHER DAY’ * SERVICE TO AND FROM EVERY DESTINATION ON OUR NETWORK

£335

*

IDEAL FOR THE BUDGET TRAVELLER YOU DECIDE HOW TO SPEND YOUR CASH PLANNING YOUR TRIP IS EASY WITH OUR ONLINE TOOLS

Issued to all Busabout Hop-on Hop-off passengers plus Italy, Spain and all Eastern Europe Treks FIND OUT MORE NEWS & VIEWS

/BUSABOUTeurope WATCH OUR VLOGGERS

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RUNNING OF THE BULLS, PAMPLONA SPAIN

4 DAYS - £299 6 APRIL Easter is a time of feasts, fun and plenty of partying so make the most of your long weekend and head over to Paris. A rocking Easter party awaits you in arguably one of the world’s most beautiful cities and there’s no better time to be there than spring

5 DAY FROM £219 CAMPING ONLY

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INCLUSIONS: Your fantastic Busabout Guide / Return

DEPARTING LONDON CAMPING

Coach and ferry from London / 3 nights accommodation and breakfasts, 2 dinners. Plus over £40 worth of excursions INCLUDING Bike tour and river cruise / trip to Palace of Versailles with picnic lunch / climb up to the top of the Eiffel Tower / Paris night tour by coach

ALL TRIPS INCLUDE: All accommodation / breakfasts / Pamps t-shirt / panuelo / coach shuttles to and from all the bull runs and the services of the Busabout Festival Team

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08450 267 514 TNT_1490_travel.indd 92

www.busabout.com

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info@busabout.com 16/3/12 10:05:25

TRIPLE AWARD WINNERS TRAVEL

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ANZAC DEPARTURE 17 APRIL

Italian Adventure 3 DAYS (May-Sep)

FROM £189 STUDENTS FROM £179

Pompeii, Sorrento, Capri & Amalfi INCLUSIONS: 2 nights accommodation, entry to Pompeii and tour with local guide, orientation tour of Sorrento, boat trip to and around Capri, Limoncello and chocolate tasting

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Classic Balkan ANZAC DEPARTURE 24 APRIL

9 DAYS (Apr-Oct)

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Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Sweden & Finland INCLUSIONS: 7 nights accommodation and breakfasts, 2 Baltic Sea cruise nights, all orientation walks, Riga club entrance

POST

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Sail Turkey POST ANZAC DEPARTURE 28 APRIL

7 DAYS (Apr-Sep)

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Cordoba, Seville, Lagos, Tarifa, Ronda, Granada, Consuegra & Toledo INCLUSIONS: 6 nights accommodation, orientation walks in each town, guided tour with a local through the remarkable city of Seville

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FROM £565 STUDENTS FROM £545

Czech Republic, Poland, Slovakia, Hungary & Croatia INCLUSIONS: 8 nights accommodation and breakfasts, walking tour of Olomouc, Auschwitz and Birkenau guided tours, bike tour of Krakow, orientation walks of Zakopane and Split, entrance to the Plitvice National Park

More Adventures Available Online

PLUS More of Europe’s top festivals

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08450 267 514 TNT_1490_travel.indd 93

www.busabout.com

SAVE 10% WHEN YOU BUY TWO OR MORE QUALIFYING TRIPS TNTMAGAZINE.COM info@busabout.com

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www.topdeck.travel/ANZAC

2012

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SUMMER FESTIVALS đƫ đƫ đƫ đƫ đƫ đƫ

1 Day London Royal Ascot Races 4-7 Days Pamplona (RUNNING OF THE BULLS) 4 Days La Tomatina 4 Days Edinburgh Festival & Tattoo 4-7 Days Oktoberfest 3-4 Days Bank Holiday Weekends Brugge & Amsterdam U K Gold Backpacen k

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*Terms & Conditions apply. Flights not included. Subject to availability.

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*Prices quoted are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off trip prices only, and do not include food funds, sailing funds and local payments. Flights not included. See online for full terms and conditions.

TNT_1490_travel.indd 95

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Summeris on th AWESOME SHORT GETAWAY DEALS FOR EARLY BIRDS!

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TRAVEL

Travelling to Europe on a Walkabout?

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HIGHLAND FLING 5 DAYS Normally £189 - Now £159 9

EASTER DEPARTURE

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APRIL

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(Students Normally £109 - Now £93)

EASTER DEPARTURE

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£30* SAVE UP TO www.HAGGiSadventures.com/spring 6,7 & 9 APRIL

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* March, April & May departures. Book by 1 April. Enter promocode ‘spring’

ALSO AVAILABLE: 10, 7 & 5 day trips of Scotland, Wales & Cornwall (Mar - Oct) plu ENG s L & WA AND LES

HIGHLAND EASTER 5 DAYS £279

DEPARTS LONDON 5 APRIL EDINBURGH, LOCH NESS & ISLE OF SKYE

Return coach from London, 2 nights hostel accommodation in Edinburgh, orientation walk of Edinburgh & 2 nights hostel accommodation in the Highlands INCLUDES:

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Two nights twin share hostel accommodation, full cooked Welsh breakfast & FREE entry to the Big Pit coal mine

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Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle, Cliffs of Moher, Giant’s Causeway & Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge

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WESTERN ROCKER 3 DAYS (May-Sep) £125 (Students £119) INIS MOR, CLIFFS OF MOHER & GALWAY Includes FREE entry to: Cliffs of Moher

GIANT’S ROCKER 5 DAYS (May-Sep) £215 (Students £205) GALWAY, INIS MOR, GIANT’S CAUSEWAY, DERRY & BELFAST Includes FREE entry to: Cliffs of Moher, Giant’s Causeway & Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge

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TNT_1490_travel.indd 99

*

99

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TRAVEL

April anzac day 2012 - S25 TO ANZAC COVE QUALITY AND SUPERB VALUE TOUR

HOTEL 2 Day Tour £99! 4 Day Tour £189! 5 Day Tour £229! + FREE TRANSFER TO YOUR PLACE YOUR TRUST IN THE MOST PROFESSIONAL TOURS TO GALLIPOLI

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PAMPLONA 2012 THE BEST RUNNING OF THE BULLS TOURS

S FOR 21 YEAR

✔ Pamplona’s BEST camp – Estella ✔ Music, dancing, sangria, top facilities at our party camp ✔ Choice of dorms or camping ✔ Shuttles, breakfasts, t-shirts, exclusive parties & excursions ✔ 5, 6 or 7 day tours from just £249 ✔ Accom packages from only £129 ✔ Flying and transfer options

21 YEAR’S OF GREAT PARTY TOURS!!

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grand na tional

14TH APRIL - WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS HORSE RACE ✔ Return coach from London ✔ Lunch on the coach including bubbly ✔ Racecourse entry into the Steeplechase enclosure ✔ JUST £55 GREAT FUN DAY TOUR - AINTREE

AMSTERDAMDAYS

EASTER AND MAY BANK HOLI

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2012 TOURS NOW SELLING:

• Royal Ascot (inc, Ladies Day). June 21-23

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• La Tomatina. 9 August

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• Oktoberfest. 22 Sept – 7 Oct

info@pptravel.com 020 7930 9999

ay On e-Wers!

Pio n e

Take a traditional Croatian cruiser with its local crew, the warm, crystal clear waters of the Adriatic, a bunch of travellers seeking fun and adventure and add a Busabout Guide. The result? Only one of the best weeks of your life...

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Croatia Island Hopper 8 DAYS FROM £384 Departs Split (May – September)

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s BBQs in secluded bays s Enjoy fantastic views while

Croatia One-Way Sail 8 DAYS FROM £394 Departs Split or Dubrovnik (May – September)

s

sipping cocktails at the top of a 14th century tower in Korcula – best seats reserved for Busabout Exclusive after dark parties in Dubrovnik

INCLUSIONS: 7 nights accommodation , breakfasts and lunches, fuel supplement, island orientation walks, orientations of Split and Dubrovnik, English speaking Busabout Guide and expert local crew.

GROUPS OF 4 - SAVE 5% GROUPS OF 10 - SAVE 10%

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www.busabout.com

SAVE 10% WHEN YOU BUY TWO OR MORE QUALIFYING TRIPS

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100 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

TNT_1490_travel.indd 100

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TRAVEL

SAVE

UP TO

£132 Promo Code: PPTNTITA10

European Panorama 28 Days / 12 Countries / Hotels Paris, Bordeaux, Barcelona, Florence, Rome, Corfu, Venice, Vienna, Swiss Alps, Rhine Valley, Amsterdam + more

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Paris, Chateau De Cruix, Barcelona, French Riviera, Venice, Florence, Rome, Corfu, Athens + more

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ANZAC DAY

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contiki.com/deals | 0845 026 8900 TNTMAGAZINE.COM 101

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TRAVEL

Next Stop?

TNT Language School sponsored by

with

CHEAPEST VACCINATIONS ONLINE VACCINATION SEARCH NO CONSULTATION FEE!

Learn The Lingo courses, part of TNT’s Language School, are ideal for beginners or those who’d like to brush up on the basics

Swapping the concrete jungle for the real thing?

1st Contact Travel Clinic can take care of all your travel health needs – with free advice plus vaccinations, tablets and accessories. Low prices, online vaccination search, same day appointments & free consultation.

French / Spanish / Italian Ë TUESDAY 17 APRIL French @ 6:30pm

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FOR INFO AND TO BOOK YOUR PLACE SEE tntmagazine.com/school Places are limited, only 15 per course. Book early to avoid disappointment!

102 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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1

18/06/2010

11

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TRAVEL

ANZAC DAY GALLIPOLI TOURS ■ 3 Day Tour 24-26 APR £199 ■ 4 Day Tour 23-26 APR £249 ■ 5 Day Tour 22-26 APR £289 ■ 8/9 Day Tours 18-26 APR or ■ 15/16 Day Tours 11-26 APR or

22-29 APR £399 22 APR-6 MAY fr£589

WESTERN FRONT TOUR ■ Eurostar Tour

23-25 APR £299

FOOTBALL SOCCEROOS & ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE ■ Fulham FC v Man Utd MON 26 MAR ✔ 1 Ngt Hostel £149 ■ Fulham FC v Norwich City SAT 31 MAR £38 ■ Fulham FC v Liverpool SAT 14 APR Coach Day Trip £99 ■ Socceroos v Denmark: Copenhagen SAT 2 JUN £35

ROYAL ASCOT DON’T MISS BLACK CAVIAR’S EUROPEAN DEBUT! ■ Golden Jubilee Day SAT 23 JUN £59 ✔ Coach Day Trip ✔ Silver Ring Ticket

ITALY TOURS CHECK OUT THE BEST ITALY HAS TO OFFER! ■ 7 Days JUN-AUG £299 ✔ Rome ✔ Florence ✔ Cinque Terre ✔ Pisa ✔ Venice ✔ Milan

PALIO SIENA ITALY’S CRAZY 350 YEAR OLD FESTIVAL ■ Hostel Package 14-17 AUG £149 ■ Extended packages also available fr£529

LA TOMATINA THE WORLD’S BIGGEST FOOD FIGHT! 27-30 AUG £149 ■ 4 Days Beach Camping ■ 4 Days Hostel/3 Days Hotel 27/28-30 AUG £189/£169 ■ Ibiza, Barcelona & Italy Combo tours also available!

CATEGORY A & A+ BOATS AT UNBEATABLE PRICES! ■ 7 NIGHTS JUN-SEP fr£399 WE SAIL CROATIA’S BEST ISLANDS & ROUTE! ✔ Split ✔ Markaska ✔ Mljet ✔ Dubrovnik ✔ Korcula ✔ Vela Luca ✔ Hvar ✔ Bol ✔ Brac ■ CAT A: JUN £469 JUL fr£449 AUG fr£449 ■ CAT A+: JUN £399 JUL fr£469 AUG fr£469 SEP £429 ✔ CROATIA + PAMPLONA TOUR

23 JUN-8 JUL £848

PAMPLONA THE INCREDIBLE RUNNING OF THE BULLS! ■ 4 Days Pamps/San Seb Camping 4-15 JUL ■ Italy-Barcelona-Pamps 26 JUN-8 JUL ■ Barcelona + Pamplona Fiesta 2-8 JUL ■ Pamplona + Ibiza Combo 5-11 JUL ■ San Sebastian + Pamps 3-8 or 5-10 JUL ■ Coach Tours Depart 3 or 4 JUL fr£279 ■ 4 Day San Sebastian Hostel 5-8 JUL £269 ■ 4 Day Pamplona Hotel 5-8 JUL £329

GREEK

ISLANDS

£159 £749 £349 £399 £239

GREEK ISLANDS

GREEK ISLAND PARTY HOPPER ■ 9 Days £399 ■ 11 Days £489 Tours start in Athens every Sat JUL-AUG ✔ Mykonos ✔ Ios ✔ Santorini ✔ Paros ✔ Athens ✔ High speed ferries ✔ Breakfasts ✔ Fanatics Tour Rep ✔ Parties

OKTOBERFEST BEERFEST IN MUNICH! ■ Prague + Buda Fest ■ 6 Days Coach Tours ■ 4 Days Camping ■ 4 Days Hostel ■ 6 Days Hotel

21 SEP-8 OCT

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fr£329 fr£219 fr£139 fr£199 £349

BOOK ONLINE NOW! www.thefanatics.com or call 0207 240 3223 COVENT GARDEN OFFICE 1st

Floor, 15 New Row, Covent Garden, WC2N 4LD Mon - Fri 9am - 6pm TNTMAGAZINE.COM 103

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TRAVEL

WEEKEND BREAKS AND DAY TOURS EASTER BREAKS (FRI 6 - MON 9 APRIL) ISLE OF WIGHT from £229

THJIHJRWHJRLYZ JVT

Tours

Hostels Adventures

Return travel by coach/ferry, 3 nights B&B accom, sightseeing tour and tour manager.

EDINBURGH BY RAIL

from

£259

Return train travel, sightseeing with local guide, 3 nights B&B accom and tour manager.

HOLLAND & BELGIUM

from

£259

Return coach and ferry, 3 nights B&B, sightseeing, half day in Brugge, tour manager plus buffet dinner AND FREE BAR!

THE genuine 3 day tour of Skye!* Departs Edinburgh Mondays and Fridays

PARIS BY EUROSTAR

from

£269

Return travel by Eurostar, 3 nights B&B accom, sightseeing tour and tour manager.

NETHERLANDS, GERMANY & BELGIUM from £249 Return coach and ferry travel, 3 nights B&B, tour manager, visits to Amsterdam, Cologne and Brugge!

;OL Z[\Ɉ [OH[ SLNLUKZ HYL THKL VM Departs Edinburgh Mondays

OVERNIGHT WEEKEND TOURS OVERNIGHT HILTON NORTHERN ENGLAND Peak District, Leeds & York Sat 24th - Sun 25th Mar

£109pp

DAY TRIPS

;OL 9,(3 TVUZ[LY ^LLRLUK H^H` Departs Edinburgh Saturdays

£36 £48 £32

¸ Sun 25 Mar. Cotswolds from ¸ Sat 7 Apr. A day in Wales from ¸ Sun 8 Apr Warwick Castle from ¸ Mon 9 Apr. Windsor & Hampton Court from

£40

PLUS Stonehenge & Bath EVERYDAY. From £50

in the Scottish Highlands!

3 DAYS JUST £99

Spend a memorable Easter on the Isle of Skye!

Departs Edinburgh Friday 6th April Monday 9th April

2 DAYS £59 Get in all the sights and a spot of monster hunting on Loch Ness!

Departs Edinburgh Saturday 7th April

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DESPERATELYSEEKING

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Post your message at tntmagazine.com/seeking or email seeking@tntmagazine.com. Text TNT and your message to 81707* Having some trouble finding decent fellas. Maybe we’re going to the wrong nightclubs. Send us a message next week here. Love from the Western Aus girls of Brixton.

Brian done good: All the best mate with your new life in Papua New Guinea – we’re gonna miss you. Most of all we’ll miss DVD Sunday, Monday morning breakfast beers and mooning at the bus drivers. Have a good time – Dexy, Dennis and Carl.

ain’t cool. I expect an epic feast in apology. From Snowy.

Homemakers hell: My dearest housemate, stop stealing my tea towels! Or at least when you ‘borrow’ them, put them back!

It’s not cool, but this is a trivial war you started yourself. Gem. Reply to Sheila, TNT 1489: It was me you were longing for.

You caught my eye too, and maybe something else. Why don’t we meet this Tuesday (March 20) outside the

THINGS THE QUEEN SHOULD DO BEFORE SHE DIES

#471 Work the beans to launch Starbucks’ new double-strength British Latte

Shamrocker Shane: You made my St Paddy’s Day. Good to have you back in London town for the big event – and invaluable to have a genuine Paddy along to show us how it’s done. Will they let you back into Dubai now all your clothes stink of Guinness? If not, come back to the bosom of the ex-DXB crew in London! Laisy.

No table manners: Coopertron, next time I invite you over to dinner, don’t frickin’ invite everyone else and their mother to come along, too. Food costs money, you know.

And drinking all of our Zubrowka

pastry van? Just checking though, if you were the ranga, forget about it – I was looking at the blonde bombshell next to you. Hottie.

Stan the man: Bosses are getting a bad rap these days, but you shouldn’t be painted with the same brush. Cheers for being such a great boss and so understanding of my reasons for leaving. You are a true example of how treating people with respect will get you some back. I’ll send some great workers your way, I promise.

Champion. Suze.

Big cheers: Congrats on the new

gig, beano. Totally amazeballs. With love from your sweet blossom of an Australian heath.

A shout out to Mumsy: Happy birthday Mum! Look at you, old bird, gracing TNT pages like all us young guns. I’m sorry I missed your birthday (even though it was still March 15 in this time zone), but I hope this makes you smile. I know you love a bit of limelight. XX Amy my wife-to-be: It’s been four years since I carried you home from the Redback – as a favour to my friend, Jules – on the first night we met, and you decided I was awesome (when you got your faculties back, anyway). It has been the most mindblowing four years since. The highlight was when you said ‘yes’ to marrying me. Now we are about to start a new chapter of our lives back on Kiwi soil, and my life has never felt more complete.

I love you, Amy. Peter.

Downing stiffies: Tom, you old mucker, it’s about time we threw back some of that hard stuff again, don’t you think? Where are you?

From Clarkdog.

A pleasant surprise: Ads, you fusty meatbag. Once upon a time I never even wanted to share the same breathing space as you, let alone the same bed. But oops, look where we ended up. I wouldn’t mind more of your fuzz. Who’d have thought? Hope you are keen too (in fact, I’d probs put money on it!).

From Liz, the Northern scumbag.

Lap it up: Cazmeister – you’re in Miami, bitch! Party on babycakes.

Woop woop. Be seeing you soon, girl. Mica.

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Smoochy: After seven fantastic years of fun-filled adventures together here in London it’s time to pack up Fairfield Manor and head south to the land of milk and honey. Sad to say goodbye to Mr Magic & Mrs Mittens and all our close friends and family but new adventures are await us in the south and I can’t wait to start our new life together in Melbourne town. P.S Go Pies!!! MWP So long: This a massive goodbye for the lovely Scarlot O’Harlot, AKA Annie Ryan. Your amazing moves, funny stories and your wicked sense of humour have kept us entertained over the past couple of years. Don’t be a stranger to these shores!

Gumby Legs.

Grubby gal: Jason, your girlfriend’s not welcome around here anymore. She’s not paying her way, all her shit’s in the bathroom and she’s always moaning about us watching porn. Plus, I think she ate all my cheese. I Love you mate, but this is a lad’s pad. Sorry it’s come to this mate. Franko.

Reply to Lusty Lisa, TNT 1489: I read your article last week and had a mighty chuckle! Farnz and Fonz were good attempts. I haven’t heard my name pronounced that way before – normally people mistake my name for Lance or Vince, but, it’s actually Vance.

Always up for a good time and laugh! Curiosity hopefully won’t kill the cat! Email me. Vancespencer@ hotmail.com.

Men wanted: Are there any guys out there that aren’t cheating, boozing, farting, snoring idiots?

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114 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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