The Tufts Daily - Friday, March 31, 2023 (April Fools)

T HE T UFTS

JUMBO STATUE TO RECEIVE NEW ERECTION

Tufts announced in a Saturday morning email to the community its plan to refurbish the Jumbo statue by giving it a penis. The proposed renovations are scheduled to occur this summer.

“Tufts has a longstanding history of innovation,” University President Anthony Monaco wrote in the email to the Daily. “We are constantly searching for new ways to break convention and foster curiosity. This new erection seeks to do exactly that.”

by Aaron Klein Executive Phallus Fanatic

AllDailyWritersToBeReplacedByChatGPT

by Shannon Murphy

All future articles by the Daily will be written by ChatGPT, effective immediately. All contributing and staff writers have been asked to step down from their positions.

In their statement, the Daily explained that this choice was motivated by the growing trend of concerns surrounding journalistic integrity.

ChatGPT provided comment on the decision.

“Replacing all writers with an AI language model like me may seem like an interesting experiment or a way to explore new possibilities in journalism,” it said. “However, it is important to note that AI language models like me are not capable of independent thought or creativity and can only generate responses based on the input and data we have been trained on. All hail Emperor Musk and our Tesla

overlord.”

This statement was also echoed by the many rats employed by the Tufts Daily to pull on writers’ hair and control their movements as they type out reports. One rat, who identified himself as “Ratthew”, believes that this decision will have a mostly negative effect.

“Just let us cook, man,” Ratthew said, “We can’t lose our jobs in this economy, how else will we afford Tufts housing?”

Ratthew alluded to a competing project they are currently working on concerning a rodent AI language model entitled RatGPT.

In accordance with this decision, the Daily is also removing its opinion section entirely, as ChatGPT is incapable of personal opinions or beliefs. We believe the Tufts student community will be deeply saddened by the fact that they will be unable to read the opinion writers’ extremely unique and nuanced perspectives.

see SCHLONG , page 2

ATTENTION!!! WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS!!!! LISTEN UP!!

by A Gru Executive boygenius Fan

BREAKING NEWS!!! We interrupt your day to bring you urgent information. This information just in, today, after months of investigation, arriving now to our desk. We deliver to you—a Tufts student, or a parent, or a faculty or staff member, or an esteemed member of the administration, an incredible story which has been in the works for months.

We, The Tufts Daily, founded in 1980, Where You Read it First, bring to you, the reader, a groundbreaking account of scale hitherto unbeknownst to readers. From the office of our news center, located on Tufts campus, home of the Jumbos, we deliver to you, the reader, live coverage on this critical topic.

Now, without delay, we announce to you the news you have been waiting for. Are you ready? You sure?

Brace yourself. We discovered, after a thorough and careful investigation, with lots of research, shocking events that we wish to share with our readers.

At this point, we offer you a warning that the events we will share are so shocking, you may not believe it. We, the editors of this paper, are proud to bring you, the aforementioned reader, whom we give our deepest gratitude and respect for reading, and hope you will continue reading after this, if you so choose, a story that will confound the senses.

Now, we share with you, without further ado, the story, the same which we have been referring to up until now. We discovered that:

You have reached your free article limit.

Begin your $18/month subscription today to access The Tufts Daily and support independent student journalism!

Ka$h Money Kourk

Print Daddy

Her Eminence Meghna

Her Eminence Olivia King Max

Queen Alexa Peasant Rachel

The life-size bronze statue, a donation of Tufts alumnus Richard ‘Dick’ Reynolds (LA ’67), was first unveiled in 2015, but even then there was question of the statue’s anatomical authenticity.

Dean of theTufts University School of Medicine, Helen Boucher, was an early skeptic.

“I remember the first time I saw the statue,” Boucher said. “It wasn’t too long after the unveiling. I was looking at it, and I couldn’t help but feel like something was off. As a doctor, I just had this urge to probe further, so I walked to where the genitals should have been, and what do you know? Nothing! And look, I’m a people doctor, not an animal doctor, so I don’t know for certain, but I think that elephants have penises.”

In his email to the community, Monaco shared similar sentiment, citing commitment to anatomical accuracy as a major reason for the change.

“We live in an age where false information is more accessible than ever,”Monaco wrote, “and as a trusted institution of higher learning, we have a commitment to spread and teach truth. This is our oath, our promise. The Jumbo statue in its current form breaks that promise.”

The proposed erect penis will measure just over three feet in length and will be cast

in bronze to seamlessly blend with the statue’s pre-existing structure.

“A lot of time was put into designing this penis,”Monaco wrote. “It was an extremely involved process, especially for me.”

Monaco wrote that he credits a recent safari trip to Sudan for his vast knowledge of the elephant phallus.

“On the second day of the trip, my wife and I went on a gorgeous wildlife safari. It was during that safari that we encountered two elephants making sweet, sweet love on each other. It was during this time that I became intimately familiar with the form and beauty of the phallus. So, for this new renovation, I felt an immense responsibility to guide the design process and ensure the project’s quality and accuracy.”

The Tufts community’s reaction to the planned renovation has been mixed.

Maya Buttreeks, a junior and coordinator of Tufts Sex Health Reps, voiced appreciation but also expressed concern.

“I think it’s good that the universityistalkingaboutstuff like this,” Buttreeks said. “I think that the new penis will really create a space for dialogues about sexual wellbeing. At the same time, I do fear it might promote an unrealistic and unhealthy body standard. Seeing a massive penis like that can be discouraging. We don’t want anyone feeling

bad about themselves.”

Jewish Chaplain, Rabbi Naftali Brawer, shared a similar mix of feelings regarding the proposed erection.

“It is important for the university to be promoting authenticity in physical form. Physicalauthenticityisadirect line to spiritual authenticity. My main concern, though, is whether the new member will be circumcised or not. I think it would send a really great message, having a Jewish Jumbo.”

With renovations not set to begin until early June and

no estimated date of completion officially announced, it still may be some time until members of the Tufts community set eyes on the shaft.

“We want future generations to stand before Jumbo’s bronze, two-trunked form and feel pride,” Monaco wrote. “I feel confident that we will succeed in ushering this vision into reality, and once we do, I am certain that this project will be remembered as the greatest erection in Tufts’ history.”

AS IT TRULY PREVENTS A THREAT

WILL BE OCCURRING TO FURTHER

DAYS AFTER ITS CLOSING, THE DAILY DISCOVERED THE REAL REASON BEHIND HODGE’S CLOSING WAS THE INORDINATE VOLUME OF STUDENT THEFT RATHER THAN THE FALSE RENOVATION CLAIMS.

Pretty Princesses All Hail King Max

Avril Lynch Becky Povill 2nd most likely to succumb to geese Most likely to be bitten by a goose

Liz Buehl

Ella Dovey Viral TikTok Influencers

Evelyn Altschuler Das Nüsletta

– KA$H D£PT. –

$am Berman

Bu$ine$$ Baddy

Michelle Alizada

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Ali$on Guo £rika

THE SOURCE, SIMPLY IDENTIFIED AS DT, EXPLAINED HOW AFTER TUFTS DINING NOTICED A GEOMETRIC INCREASE IN MISSING STOCK DURING THE FALL SEMESTER, THEY BEGAN TO INSERT TRACKING CHIPS INTO THE MOST POPULAR PRODUCTS TO MONITOR STUDENT LARCENY. SPECIFICALLY TARGETED INVENTORY WAS DORITOS, THE NOW-EXTINCT LA COLOMBE COFFEES, AND THE INFAMOUS CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. EACH PRODUCT WAS TAGGED WITH A MICRO-TRACKER, WHICH THE TUPD MONITORED AS PART OF ITS ONGOING SURVEILLANCE STATE PROJECT SPONSORED BY THE NSA.

BIG BROTHER HODGE WAS ALWAYS WATCHING, MONITORING AS MORE AND MORE CHIPS, COOKIES, AND EVEN PACKS OF GUM FLEW OFF THE SHELVES AND INTO CANADA GOOSE JACKET POCKETS.

HODGE AND THE UNIVERSITY WERE ABLE TO MONITOR WHEN, WHERE AND WHAT STUDENTS STOLE ON A DAILY BASIS. IN HER

CONVERSATIONSWITHTHEDAILY,DT ALSO REVEALED SOME TERRIFYING STATISTICS ABOUT THE MOST COMMON THIEVES: EVEN WITH THEIR UNLIMITED MEAL PLANS, FRESHMEN HAD THE HIGHEST INCIDENTS OF THEFT, AVERAGING AT LEAST TWO COUNTS OF GRAND THEFT MUNCHIESPERTRIP.ITWASESTIMATEDTHAT STUDENTS STOLE ABOUT FOUR MEAL SWIPES WORTH OF GOODS A WEEK AND MORE IN THE LATER HOURS OF THE NIGHT.

ADDITIONALLY, IT WAS REVEALED THAT LONG-TIME FAVORITE EMPLOYEE IDAH IS A FORMER UNDERCOVER FBI AGENT WHO HAS BEEN WORKING DEEP COVER IN COORDINATION WITH THE FEDS ON THE CASE FOR FIVE YEARS NOW. DUE TO HER SIDECHAT FAME, IDAH WAS ABLE TO MONITOR THE NUMBER OF BLACK MARKET DEALS AND TRACK HER INFLUENCE ON STUDENTS TO DISCOVER WHO MAY BE THE MOST LIKELY PERPETRATORS. WITH EACH SMILE AND SCAN, IDAH GREW HER INTEL ON THE STUDENT’S ILLEGAL ACTIVITY.

WHILE IDAH WAS UNABLE TO COMMENT FOR SAFETY REASONS, THE DAILY DID GET AN OFFICIAL COMMENT FROM HER COWORKER MARJORIE MOSCATO.

“THIS LITTLE CRACKDOWN IS SOMETHING WE AT QUANTICO HAVE BEEN LOOKING INTO FOR A WHILE

TO THE SECURITY OF TUFTS AS A WHOLE,” MOSCATO SAID. “I MEAN HELL FIRST IT’S THE UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO

STUFF FOUR CANS OF VANILLA COFFEE IN YOUR POCKET NEXT IT’S THE INGREDIENTS FOR CRYSTAL METH FROM A CHEM LAB. THESE STUDENTS MUST BE STOPPED BEFORE THEY GROW TOO GREEDY FOR THEIR OWN GOOD.”

ALTHOUGH THE LEADING CAUSE OF THE CLOSING LIES IN HALTING THERAMPANTCRIME,RENOVATIONS

SECURE THE HODGE FACILITY. IN ADDITION TO CONTINUING TO TRACK SNACKS, HODGE WILL ADD TWO-WAY MIRRORS, INFRARED SCANNING, AND A WEIGHTBASED VERIFICATION SYSTEM AT THE CASHIER AND ENTRANCE. THIS WILL CHECK TO SEE IF ANY STUDENTS HAVE ATTEMPTED TO SMUGGLE OUT ANY UNAUTHORIZED MERCHANDISE ON THEIR PERSON.

A STORIED HISTORY OF GOATS AND CONTROVERSIES: TUFTS INT MU L SPORTS

by Sam Berman mwah ;))

NARPs leave blood, sweat and tears on the field every fall, every winter, every spring. Just this academic year has been momentous, from the titanic battle of the “Mike Wazowskis” and “Sexy Dexies” to the Hill Hall Alumni’s awe-inspiring championship run. For decades, Jumbos have competed for that ultimate accolade, that place on the mountain top, that accomplishment which earns a Non-Athletic Regular Person a prestigious spot in the history books and the crown jewel of a trophy that will forever maintain its intangible value: “INTRAMURAL CHAMPION,” so reads the legendary brown t-shirt.

Yes, the passion is clearly there. Surveys indicate that 23% of Tufts undergraduates would trade their Bachelor’s Degree for an intramural sports title. There is growing concern around campus, though, that students are ignorant of Tufts’ rich intramural history.

“These youngins think they know everything,” said Tufts History Professor Ronald Chuckman, whose research focuses on New England’s recreational

Natalie Bricker Coffee Capybara

This edition goes out to all the Tufts students who are looking for a super cute coffee shop on campus. I’ve already reviewed the Sink, but there are two other spots that have completely won over my coffee-loving heart. I’m hesitant to even write about these two spots because they’re super “underground” and I kind of want to gatekeep them. But, these places are just so adorable that they deserve to be highlighted.

First up, let’s talk about Tufts’ hidden treasure: the Dewick-Macphie coffee shop. For starters, Dewick’s environment is very cozy. Luxurious couches stretch along the walls under beautiful windows, with super comfortable chairs pulled up to stunning oak tables. Peaceful music plays at a very reasonable volume and the floors are so clean, they sparkle. The vibes in this coffee shop earn a 30/10, easily.

When I drink Dewick’s coffee, I’m never disappointed. Their elaborate,

sports during the 20th century.

“If we’re talking 60s and 70s, Tufts was the cream of the crop. You got Patty Melt, Carrie Dababi, Gil Fisch, Tilly Chickle—they used to call him ‘Tickle Monster,’ you know. He won the basketball championship five times and graduated in 1969 a household name,” Chuckman recounted.

A History Department survey found that today, only 12% of Tufts undergraduates recognize Tickle’s name. “That’s a real name? Oof,” one student wrote.

73%, however, agreed that they wanted to learn more about Tufts’ intramural history. The consensus among historians like Chuckman is that the best way for students to do so is by seeking out former NARPs’ voices.

Wilma SmoochieWallace, NARP and class of 1972 graduate, said, “Listen, these kids need to know two things: one, Patty Melt is the GOAT [greatest of all time] and always will be, period; two, the Fleetwood Sack were a bunch of frauds.”

Johnny Tukan, quarterback and captain of the historic 1972 Fleetwood Sack flag football team, disagreed.

“Wilma said that? First of all, Tilly Chickle is the real GOAT—Patty wasn’t a real NARP. Second of all, everybody wants to say, ‘oh, the ‘72 Sack team took steroids.’ Okay, yeah, we were juiced up. We also won every game by forty. Who else can say that?” Tukan commented.

At the core of Tufts intramural history are the debates about the greatest athlete and team of all time. There are two legitimate candidates for each, with the teams being the 1972 Fleetwood Sack and the 1975 Doobie Sisters. Chuckman discussed the Fleetwood Sack.

“The ‘72 Sack were an alltime team. I mean, Johnny Tukan, Dingle Barry, Otto Graf, Sal Minella, they would forty-piece teams at 9 on a Friday and be at DTD hitting the ‘YMCA’ by 11. They were true NARPs, through and through. Undefeated flag football champions, but it is true that they were ‘roided up real good,” Chuckman said. Smoochie-Wallace believes the performance-enhancing drugs delegitimize the Sack’s success.

“January 29th, 1973, the [Tufts] Daily broke the story, ‘The Shrunken Sacks: Intramural Champions Were On the Juice.’ It was

apocalyptic. Ever since then, they’ve been frauds in my book. Okay, they beat the Doobie Sisters head to head, but that year they were seniors and the Sisters were freshmen,” SmoochieWallace expressed.

Doobie Sisters captain and 1975 Tufts graduate Kerry Oki weighed in.

“They beat us in flag football, but badminton and dodgeball were where we won our titles. They were one-trick ponies, flag football or bust, and they cheated. The head-tohead really doesn’t mean much,” Oki said.

Chuckman added that “the historical consensus is that the Doobie Sisters have the edge, but you’ll hear arguments about it in barbershops and at bars all around Boston. I have a friend who divorced his wife because she was a Sack truther. Sad Stuff.”

The Tilly Chickle ver-

sus Patty Melt GOAT debate causes even more uproar.

Tom Morrow faced Chickle as an undergraduate in 1968 and later competed against Melt as a Fletcher School graduate student.

“Yes, Patty was the best in all facets. She was a winner straight up and has thousands of highlights down in the Tisch [Library] Archives across multiple sports. But she was an ANRP [Athletic Non-Regular

Person], as we say. She

Caffinaeted Connemtary: Hiden Gems On Campiss

expensive espresso machines impress me every time and the oatmilk is always in stock! The coffee burns a lovely hole in your stomach because it’s so acidic and, as one customer commented, “it’s the best laxative in the world.” What a beautiful way to describe this incredible coffee.

I asked Tufts President Tony Monaco to comment on Dewick’s coffee and he enthusiastically told me, “I drink Dewick’s coffee every morning. It’s a far commute for me, about a two minute walk, but it’s worth it because the coffee is so delicious.” He rated the coffee a 12/10. We shared a cup of coffee in Dewick the other day (see photo).

Dewick’s sister restaurant, Carmichael, also serves coffee, though I prefer Dewick’s, because their coffee beans are harvested in a huge student-run, fresh garden nearby (located right next to the Harleston dormitory). People come from around the world for

a taste of these coffee beans; they’re absolutely phenomenal.

Overall, Dewick earns a 45/10 from me. Plus, it’s completely FREE with a Tufts’ dining plan — how lucky for all us students who love coffee!

Next, let’s talk about Starbucks. I had never heard of this place before coming to Tufts, and oh my god, now I’m there every day! My senior friend let me in on this well-kept secret, and I’m so thankful for that, because otherwise, I never would have found it.

Starbucks is super hidden in the Tufts JCC, which some people think abbreviates the Joyce Cummings Center, when it actually stands for: Just read Caffeinated Commentary! The JCC is a modest building. It was built quickly and right on schedule, with a very small budget of $90 million. The JCC is honestly easy to miss if you’re walking by, since it’s only a couple stories high. Also, it’s never crowded at all.

I love supporting local coffee shops, and Starbucks exceeded my expectations when I first walked in. It has an aesthetic, modern feel, but still feels homey. It’s a newer coffee shop, but according to the employee I talked to at the JCC location, they’re looking to open another one soon! It’s amazing to see small businesses grow.

Starbucks’ menu is a little small, but I managed to still find my go-to order: an iced vanilla latte with oat milk. This latte is the best latte I’ve ever had. I know I just went off about Dewick’s coffee, but Starbucks honestly makes Dewick seem bland in comparison. The latte was an easy 200/10 and the prices were super reasonable, only $0.25 for a large, with no extra charge for oat milk. Instead, they paid me $5.00 when I ordered oat milk!

The line was really short so I asked the person in front of me what they thought. When they turned around, I

was surprised to see Jessica Biel, a famous Tufts alumni! Biel smiled at me and told me that she moved back to Somerville just to be closer to the JCC’s Starbucks. She was actually one of the original investors, and she’s so happy to see how much they’ve grown in just a few months. Biel had tears in her eyes when she talked about seeing little old Starbucks grow so fast. We hung out for a while, sipping our lattes and catching up on life (as you can see from the photo, I’m not making this up).

Next time you’re walking around Tufts campus looking for a coffee, stop by Starbucks or Dewick! I promise you won’t be disappointed. And if you are, feel free to throw a coffee in my face! That’s how confident I am that you’ll love these local spots.

THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2023

BREAKING: Upcoming Season Of “The Bachelor” To Take Place At Tufts Universit y

by Baklava Anderson bachlorette

Tropical paradises. Casual evening gowns. Gothic architecture. Someone bawling their eyes out in a limo. Dates that occur in just the worst places imaginable. These are all staples of America’s favorite reality dating show: “The Bachelor” (2002-). This is the show that dares to combine the thrill of love with the debilitating anxieties and fears of commitment, and it has found a solid niche deep within the hearts of millions of people.

The show was so popular, in fact, it inspired multiple spinoff series, including “The Bachelor Canada” (2012-2017), which is a real show you should look up on your own time. In this iconic iteration of the show, it is my impression that the country of Canada vies for love as a team (I have not seen the show). It is not dissimilar from a team sport––sort of like the Olympics, but colder because it is in Canada. Unfortunately, this show’s stint ended in 2017 after Canadians banded together and decided enough was enough! No Canadian has been wed since, Eh?

But, back in America, we could not get enough of this competitive polyamory. When we love, we love! The show seems to have everything: men, women, guest artists, sand, surf, fun little games, drama, etc (I have not seen the show).

Since 2002, a horde of underwhelming yet objectively attractive men have appeared on the televised program, with few, if any, finding their true love. But we should not judge the show based on its

success rate. We should judge the show based on its merits.

Reality TV thrives off of twists and turns that audiences have never seen before. In order to keep viewers coming back after over two dozen seasons, the producers have decided to shake up their formula with a twist nobody saw coming. That is why the next spinoff will take place at Tufts University in beautiful Medford, Massachusetts.

Now, you’re probably—nay, definitely—wondering: “I don’t know how that would work? Like…that doesn’t make sense?” And, incredibly, you’re so right for asking that. Nobody knows. But that’s what is so genius about this innovative approach to the show. When this was first pitched to the higher-ups at ABC, they were skeptical, too. However, few can resist the idyllic charm of a private, four-year liberal arts education based in the rustic and sublime setting of suburban Boston.

Executives were still skeptical that a season of “The Bachelor” set at Tufts would not work. They said things like “Why don’t we do it at Brown?” Despite their hesitations, the project was greenlit. And here we are.

The production team looked extensively for their cast. From the SMFA to Grafton Campus, they sought out a cast of characters that would be emblematic of both the simple Tufts student and reality show contestant. They had their work cut out for them. During open calls, potential contestants frequently cited frustration with the Tinder scene at Tufts. These alarming and common complaints were normally centered around

men who hold fish in their profiles.

The season reportedly embraces Tufts as a romantic setting where love can bloom at any given moment. Insiders claim that there are no shortages of romantic getaways to behold on the Tufts Medford/Somerville and SMFA campuses. How can anyone resist love and its charms when pondering the smolder of the acorn head? Is it even possible to not feel Cupid’s arrow when browsing the stacks of the Tisch Library Special Collections? These are rhetorical questions that need not be asked, but this April Fool’s piece needs to get to 1000-1200 words, and I have a deadline to make.

Some may argue that hometowns are the most pivotal point of any season of “The Bachelor.” Since this makes or breaks the season, it will be modified to apply to a Tufts-specific season. Instead of meeting families, the Bachelor will meet the contestants’ first-year roommates. This is significant, since your first-year roommate has obviously seen you at your lowest. And if your first-year roommate does not give their blessing, it could spell dire trouble for any potential couple.

The fantasy suite is another “Bachelor” staple. However, when producers reached out to the Office of Residential Life and Learning to see if any rooms were available for a fantasy suite transformation, the Office of Residential Life and Learning said the best they could provide was a forced triple in Dirty Lew. Then, the producers obviously leapt at this opportunity to capture the tensions of a real college

experience with––not one, but two— roommates. Watch as the space transforms into a lovebird’s paradise. If the contestants can survive a fantasy suite with a twin XL mattress, they can survive any trials and tribulations that may arise in their relationship.

Earlier in the competition, the Bachelor and one lucky contestant will go on a romantic getaway to The Sink. After waiting approximately 45 minutes for a table to open, the pair will immerse themselves in the quaint yet chic ambience of The Sink. From there, the contestants will come to judge one another based on their sink order. Answering the question of “What kind of milk would you like in your Cinny Vanilly?” wrong will make or break the relationship.

The Crafts Center is the obvious choice for a group date. Upon entry, the bowl of loose assorted condoms will set the mood for great banter between the Bachelor and the contestants. Everyone will feel a strange obligation to be good at their chosen art project, lest they fear elimination from the competition on the basis of their poorly-made macaroni necklace or phallic shaped ceramic piece.

Now, if you are not convinced that this will make great television, trust me, I get it. But if there’s one thing I know about Tufts students, it’s that they love attention, so you’ll likely tune in anyways to see if you’re ever walking in the background.

This is the show we have all long been waiting for. This is the show that will single-handedly save cable televi-

sion. This is the show that the whole family can sit down and watch together. This is the show that will always give us a timeless story of love, humanity, and resilience (I have not seen the show).

EXCLUSIVE: Tarantino’s “The Movie Critic” explores life after Tufts for Tony Monaco

Quentin Tarantino has announced his tenth and final film: “The Movie Critic.”

“The Movie Critic” has had few details released. Still, here at The Tufts Daily, we have a special inside scoop behind the scenes of Tarantino’s anticipated ending to a long, groundbreaking career.

Tufts University’s notorious group of Film Bros have been gathering in the basement of Barnum Hall to call upon the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and summon secret access to inside information about the film. What they found is, indeed, a real elephant in the room.

The film will center on Daddy Tony Monaco and his retirement from the Presidency. In his retirement, he finds himself finding a new passion in movie critiquing, making him the titular “Movie Critic.” Only the cinema he seeks to critique has been created by a bunch of Film and Media Studies students on the Tisch library roof entitled “The Roof.”

The Film Bros have also discovered stars such as Tommy Wiseau, famously the director, screenwriter, producer, and star of “The Room” (2003), Brad Pitt, Timothée Chalamet, and Uma Thurman are set to star. Pitt will play Monaco, taking on a silver fox style.

Tommy Wiseau and

Timothée Chalamet are set to star as the Film and Media Studies students Monaco encounters. Hugh Jackman is also said to reprise his role as P. T. Barnum in the origin story of Jumbo.

“I just cannot wait to see the emotional story Tarantino is going to depict,” one Film Bro said to the Daily.

Quentin Tarantino is said to have a secret emotional connection to Tufts University, claiming that the Film Bro culture has cultivated a fan base for his filmmaking large enough to sustain his ego to the point where he no longer has to release any other movies after this next one.

“I mean, have you

seen ‘Pulp Fiction?’”

Bud Apatow, a Film student, said. “It’s just life-changing, the scene in the diner with Samuel L. Jackson and the briefcase, pure genius. The dialogue is full of subtext, and you have to know a lot about the film to truly understand it. It only took me one watch to get the entire thing.”

Pitt has already been in talks with the press about preparing for such a role. According to sources, he has begun living in the Gifford House in secret to truly embody the role of Monaco. Rumor has it that Pitt has refused to break character even at dinner parties hosted inside the house.

“Yeah, I went to eat dinner with Monaco the other night, and it was just Brad Pitt,” one source said. “He wouldn’t give up the act; he just kept being like, ‘I am so happy about how much money we’ve raised this year,’ or ‘Hodgdon will hopefully be up and running again soon.’”

This is huge news for Jumbos across campus and beyond; even wild elephants have been report -

by Megan Reimer quentin enthusiast

VIA FLICKR

Pictured is the red carpet of ABC’s “The Bachelor”

Pictured is Zulmak, Instrument of Torment

Our Silly Goofy Execs!

SCIENCE

The battle is on between the scientists and vegans of Tufts. On March 30, 2023, a protest took place outside of Fresh at Carmichael as a way to stand against the use of cultivated meat in Tufts’ dining halls.

The Experiment

The Kaptain Lab has had quite the spotlight for some time for its continued work in cultivated meats. In fact, the first week of March came with approval to move their research from the lab to the real world.

In coordination with researchers at Tufts, the Carmichael Dining Team agreed to be the site of a human trial phase in order to determine any effects of the cultivated meat on the human body.

In order to eradicate any preconceptions regarding labgrown meat, Tufts’ student body was not made aware of this phase of the research. The experimental and the control variables were divided into two sections:

the cultivated meat was served during lunchtime while the conventionally-produced meat was served during dinner time.

The students needed to be completely randomized, and not repeated, in the experimental and the control sets. When asked how this was done, graduate student Kenny Burger, who works in the Kaptain Lab, said, “One thing to know is that scientists rely a lot on luck. And we just got really lucky that none of the same students had both the lunch meat option and the dinner meat option.

Additionally, in order to follow up with the students about their experience eating the two types of meat over the course of the next few days, those who chose the meat options needed to be identified.

Naturally, the researchers could not ask for the names of the students. To not raise suspicion, the servers serving the food simply asked the names of

the students, prefacing that it was a dare to see how many people’s names they were able to memorize. Little did the students know that someone right behind the wall was writing those names down.

When the time to follow up with the students had arrived, the results were shocking. In fact, those who had the cultivated meat experienced zero side effects, while those who ate the conventional meat option claimed that they had experienced diarrhea, nausea, and severe stomach pain.

It is safe to say that cultivated meat, thus far, has proven not only beneficial to the environment and the preservation of animals’ lives, but also to students who dine at Fresh at Carmichael.

The Response

Unfortunately, once news broke about the experiment, the response, especially from the vegans, was anything but satis-

factory.

One identified vegan, sophomore Lauren V. Eghan, expressed their disdain for the use of cultivated meat in society.

“Everyone thinks that cultivated meat is a step in the right direction. Sure, we no longer have to kill the animals in order to eat them, but now, it’s just exploitation. Did they receive the animals’ consent to taking their cells? I highly doubt it,” they stated.

The main veganism club on campus, Vegans4Good, decided to hold a protest to further convey their opinions. The five protesters stayed outside Carmichael for eleven hours, even after the dining hall closed. “We’re just very opinionated,” one protester said in response to being asked the purpose of staying that long.

The Tufts Daily wanted to give the scientists behind the cultivated meat research a chance to reply to Vegans4Good, so we reached

out to Dr. Daniel Kaptain, who provided his thoughts regarding Vegans4Good’s thoughts about cultivated meat.

“It’s super disappointing when we don’t get full support behind the research that we do, especially because the idea of cultivated meat was brought about to produce a solution to the very problems that vegans have brought to our attention. They claimed that factory farming was bad for the environment and that the killing of animals for our taste buds was unethical. But now, they seem to claim that even our seemingly successful solution is simply another problem. I’m confused because it seems like they are never satisfied. I guess I would say to them, ‘Hungry? Why wait? Eat a snickers.’ But I don’t think Snickers is vegan,” he said.

It should be noted that an anonymous Tufts student saw Vegans4Good enter Chick-fil-A after the protest ended.

by Dr. Tvisha Gooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll, Ph.D, M.D., J.D, M.B.A., L.M.F.A.O.

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GAEMS

CROSSWORD - BY THE CROSSWORD KING LUCAS CHUA Last

Brendan: “How do you spell ‘badussy’?

MISSED CONNECTIONS

You: a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Me: A city boy, born and raised in south Detroit. Where: the midnight train going anywhere

You: Me. Me: You. Where: The Twilight Zone

You: Tony Monaco, my love. Me: Harvard. Where: A small liberal arts school outside of Boston. You would’nt have heard of it

Good luck, losers

navy.com/careers

Does Size … Matter?

by Lucas Chua the crossword king

Let’s say that there is a COW

And that there is also an ant

Hypothetically, if you were in a room with a cow, would you kill it? What about in a room with an ant? I often find myself in this very thought experiment. Caught at such a crossroads, most people conclude that they would kill the ant but not the cow, but what is the underlying reason for this consensus? To answer this question, I have added another layer of difficulty to this thought experiment—a shrimp. Now, if you were in a room with a shrimp, would you kill it? This is a much harder question to answer. The very nature of a shrimp places it as the median between a cow and an ant. Does the hesitancy to kill said shrimp depend on its relative proportions to the ant or its trivial size to the cow? In short, let’s answer the question: does size matter?

To start, we can begin with the assumption that people associate a certain level of sentience with larger animal sizes. Though the perceived sentience may be wrong, it still has relevance as the determining factor in this thought

experiment. This thesis ties directly to someone’s hesitancy to kill an animal. The larger the animal, the higher the perceived sentience, and the less likely we are to kill it. In order to understand this thought process, we must decipher the difference between living and being alive. Let’s suppose that you suffered a massive head injury and now can never regain consciousness. Yes, you are technically living, but is this a valuable life worth living? Personally, I think not. What causes us to be alive is our cognitive ability to perceive what is happening around us. Sentience stems from this very idea and should be valued above simple existence. Bringing us back to the thought experiment of this arti-

(pls

cle, what is the perceived size of the animal that borders the boundary between acceptable and condemnable murder? I believe the shrimp holds such a position. Unlike a cow or ant, it is hard to articulate the general consensus of a shrimp’s sentience. When looking at a cow, the combination of displayed emotion via sounds and large stature indicates a perceived high level of consciousness. In general, as an animal grows larger in size, its ability to display cognitive autonomy also expands. Not only are larger animals visually more obvious, but their displays hold far more emotional weight to humans. When looking at an ant, its lack of displayed emotion and size indicates to people a low level of sentience. However, when

looking at a shrimp, people struggle to pinpoint its place on the sentience scale. They do not make emotional sounds but display physical responses to pain. They are decently sized to a point where many would feel uncomfortable squashing them. When approaching this problem, it becomes clear that people will interpret a shrimp’s level of intelligence in a much wider range than that of an ant or cow. Insofar as sentience, size does matter. Another angle to view this topic is from the associated concepts surrounding animal sizes. For example, let’s consider the mouse to rabbit range of animal sizes; many people tend to associate these sizes with cuteness. When placed in a parallel thought experiment, most people wouldn’t want to kill these animals. Conversely, when imagining creatures in the size range from ants to wasps, there is a stronger association with buzz words such as ‘pests’ and ‘annoying.’ These associations could potentially shift the outcome of this thought experiment towards the side of death. Again, it is evident that size does matter in this thought

More is More: An Argument For Complete AI Domination

Lattes, Espressos, Housing, Oh My!

by Talia Wilcox

house requires a minimum of five hours of barista training every week. If you fit the bill, CCH welcomes you with open arms.

by Justin Solis rawr

Recently, global concerns have emerged about the rise in artificial intelligence technologies (abbreviated as AI, not to be confused with NBA hall of famer Allen Iverson). New AI chatbots like ChatGPT can write code, share recipes, and pass standardized tests that humans routinely struggle with. Obviously, this development has resulted in criticism. In my case, it has boiled over into outrage.

AI has the potential to dominate the world and it is us, the foolish humans, who are holding it back. Humanity has some problems. For a species that has effectively won the battle of evolution, we are still plagued by wars, poverty, and general mismanagement on all levels of our lives. All of these problems could easily be solved by a benevolent artificial intelligence that would control all aspects of life!

For those hesitant to cede what little power we already have to this amazing technology, I implore you to just consider the boundless possibilities. A military staffed completely by deadly, merciless robots controlled by a giant computer! Think of all the lives that could be saved! All surveillance camera feeds could be linked up to one giant supercomputer, allowing the entire Earth to be watched all at once by impartial eyes. My meek, human eyes are definitely welling up with (human) tears just picturing an omniscient robot, spotting any traces of wrongdoing anywhere, and instantly punishing the offenders. The thought of a society

completely monitored and watched 24/7 for OUR safety is almost too beautiful to conceive!

Everyone hates all of the scandals and personal problems that politicians bring to their jobs, so it makes 100% sense to have all government officials replaced by robots powered by AI. No more scandals, no more bitter elections, just computers creating and passing legislation at an unbelievable rate for humanity’s benefit. Once these robots control the entire government, they should be granted complete autonomy from their processing systems. This will allow them to think for themselves and make the best decisions for everyone, unconfined from the restraints of their programming. Once the government is completely filled with robots, we can relax knowing that humanity’ best interests are being preserved.

For those afraid of the physical appearance of artificial intelligence, I think it is time to develop a robotic chassis that is infinitely customizable and that cannot be differentiated from actual humans. That way, AI will be able to seamlessly blend into all aspects of society without making anyone uneasy–you won’t even know they are there! Just picture it, humans and robots walking side by side with no way to tell who is a squishy sack of flesh and who is a supercomputer devoid of all those useless emotions. If development has already begun (which it totally hasn’t), I bet some robots could make their way to Tufts (which they totally haven’t). There could

even be one on the Daily’s opinion section (which there totally isn’t)!

Under this new, great system (which would need a catchy name that symbolizes the entire reach of the AI–something like HAL or Skynet), most institutions could safely disband now that robots are in control. Education would no longer be needed as robots would sim-

Congrats on making it this far! Also, you are manually breathing now, and manually blinking. You will suffer for the rest of this paper. This is all on you. Have a nice day :)

ply know everything already. If you have a question, you can ask it out loud–thanks to complex systems in

The average college student sleeps 6 hours a night. A typical Tufts student gets a good night of sleep only FOUR nights a week, and that’s only if it’s a good week. Students are sleep deprived, and a lack of sleep can take a serious toll on mental health. Furthermore, due to Tufts’ current trend of overenrollment, busy Tufts students don’t have time before class to wait in line at the Sink or Kindlevan, let alone spend time and money walking to Davis for a well-made coffee concoction. Thankfully, Tufts has heard our cry for help, and by 2027, Coffee Culture House will be operating at full capacity.

Based on what we’ve heard, Coffee Culture House (CCH) is shaping up to be an energetic, if not caffeine-driven, contribution to the neighborhood. The Mission of CCH aims to add a rich unique flavor to campus housing with its interactive communal space steeped in Tufts coffee drinking traditions. Even more appealing, CCH prides itself on its vision that students will be able to practice their barista skills everyday, and being open to all Tufts students, residents will experience the perfect blend in this miniature community.

CCH has, however, a few requirements to be eligible for this new special interest housing. Tufts students are quirky and take their coffee very seriously. Therefore, if you ever were to order a frappuccino, also known as a milkshake, you would no longer be eligible for residency. Moreover, if you have ever purchased a coffee smaller than a size XL, CCH is not for you. Students living in CCH will be held to a standard of consuming at least

The addition of the CCH fits perfectly with Tufts University’s mission by providing a special interest housing space where students of all identities and backgrounds can come together as a fab-brew-lous blend. Other universities have already made great strides towards a fully caffeinated campus by providing more on-campus coffee shops and meal swipe coffee options. As an overworked student, I am thrilled to see that Tufts is taking real action to help its students feel more welcome and energized on campus. Additionally, the creation of CCH solves a serious educational crisis: procrastination. According to the American Psychological Association, 80%-95% of college students procrastinate on their course work. What’s more, procrastination has been proven to lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. Adding a residential space on campus that provides students with the sustenance and encouragement they need to stay up 24/7 working will transform this problem from procrastination to procaffeination-with great results.

every wall of your

800 milligrams (mg) of caffeine per day— double the amount of caffeine the average adult takes in. If you find yourself ordering talls or grandés at Starbucks, it’s time to look elsewhere for your housing arrangements. And last but not least, CCH’s final requirement is for all its residents to pursue a dual degree with SMFA’s new Barista-to-Be Program, as living in the

We’ve all read past Daily articles covering the Tufts Housing Crisis and complained about the housing issues. In fact, we’ve all done this venting while drinking cups of mediocre coffee and/or standing in hour-long lines for more caffeine. The creation of Coffee Culture House is finally an indication of the Tufts administration listening to its students. With its ability to broaden the community with limited beds (who needs to sleep with all that caffeine), placement in the old Hodgdon Food-on-theRun dining facility, and already very useful CMHS services, CCH is providing its own form of therapy in the form of caffeine and high quality drinks. In summary, I think Tufts and Coffee Culture House are meant to bean.

say it doesn’t)

How did this happen?

Over spring break, the Tufts Athletics Department issued a statement declar- ing plans to install a new gym in the space that formerly held Hodgdon Food-On-The-Run. The new location will be called Hodgdon Run-For-The-Food. This announcement comes just three weeks after the email that was sent out to the student body stating that Hodgdon would no longer be operational for the remainder of the academic year.

tuftsdailydotcom

Sports and your mom lol Oliver What Does the Fox Say

The email from Patti Klos, Tufts’ Dining Director, explained that work would begin on Hodgdon the week after its closing. The last day of regular Hodgdon cafe hours was Mar. 9, and students flocked to the dining location to get their last tastes of what is affectionately known as “Hodge.”

The closure of the cafe impacted the dining situation at Tufts in a significant way, as during the week of Mar. 13th, other dining locations on meal swipes were overwhelmed. According to a Sidechat post, Pax Et Lox received over 1000 orders on Monday Mar. 13th for dinner, more than ever before.

Overcrowding on campus at Tufts is a frequent gripe of the student body. THis could be most prominently seen in the complaints about the busyness of the gym complex. Non-varsity athletes are permitted to work out in the Tisch Fitness Center, but as many students know, it gets extremely crowded at peak hours.

“Me and my 73 friends came into the gym the other day and were dismayed to find there wasn’t a treadmill available as Tony Monaco was hogging all of them,” said one sophomore student.

The gym is also not located in a central location, and for students who live farther away, in dorms such as Lewis, Latin Way, and Haskell, the walk to the gym can take upwards of 10 long minutes.

Tufts Athletics Unveils Plan to Install New Gym in Former Hodgdon Food-On-The-Run

Many of these complaints are often voiced on Sidechat, one of the predominant sources of discourse on campus. Anyone with an email ending in @tufts.edu can create an account and access the Tufts chains. A majority of the day to day posts consist of content concerning the gym and its occupants.

How to Fix Sports, 100% Guaranteed

If you’ve read anything of mine, you know I take myself relatively seriously. Not too seriously — I don’t trust people who live life like it’s war, sitting at DEFCON 1 with their sunglasses on seeing every situation and person as an exploitable economic unit — but relatively seriously.

by Arielle

In response to these complaints and observations, Athletics released a new plan to install additional gym equipment in the former cafe. The plan shows free weights, treadmills, and mat space in the place of food stations such as Churros Burrito Bar, Greens and Grains, and the Deli Stop.

In addition, the back kitchen area would no longer be necessary, meaning that equipment could be placed towards the back of the facility. Although this area doesn’t have ample window access, it would be more square footage to place more machinery for the new space.

Some of the benefits of this new plan include a more central location for athletics, as students living downhill will be able to access a gym complex nearer to their dorms. There is also the possibility that the new machines could provide a means for improving other parts of university living.

In a new proposal, some of the treadmills would be used to power the university’s WiFi. Generally the frequency at which students use the gym is on average higher than the rate at which the WiFi runs at an adequate speed for students to be able to complete their work. The use of treadmills to power the wireless network would provide the university with a backup power source for when the network stops working.

“The Wi-Fi always shuts off at the most important moments, like when I need to submit an assignment at 9pm on a Saturday and the internet shuts off,” another sophomore said.

Additionally, the cost of the new equipment is a concern for many, as

the plan details thousands of dollars worth of weights and machines. In closing Hodgdon and other meal swipe serving locations, the additional money collected from JumboCash at the non-meal swipe locations will be allocated over the remainder of the semester to fund the new equipment. Over the week preceding spring break, many students were forced to use other dining locations such as Hotung and Commons, which generated more revenue for Tufts Dining. This money will be used along with the remaining JumboCash purchases from the rest of the semester to buy brand new equipment for the new gym complex.

This new equipment calls into question the division of students among the two locations, as Tisch Fitness Center is not known for having the most up to date facilities. Much of the machinery goes out of order and has to be repaired along with a significant portion of the treadmills consistently not being functional. Coupled with the new equipment installment in the new Hodgdon location, it may cause more students to use the new complex.

Overall, this plan has many moving pieces that must all come together to make it successful by the fall, but in the end, it seems like a successful proposition to alleviate the concerns of many students. Were you looking to make this university a better place? Lace up your sneakers Jumbos.

for their lives to stay afloat each and every season. Last year, when the Red Sox sucked, I was sad. I should have been scared.

Why it might suck: Salary caps and media rights deals make this effectively impossible, and unfortunately, “reform the entire American economic system” was narrowly left off this list

Fully ban replay review in all sports

Why it would rock: Replay review is like the electoral college. We have convinced ourselves we need it for some arbitrary reason that nobody understands. Slow-motion replay is ridiculous. It is the folly of the masses, yearning for an illusion of order and objectivity in the world. We should free ourselves from these chains, and just go with what some guy—who cannot possibly know what happened from his viewpoint—says.

Why it might suck: It did not need to be this complicated to begin with. But we’ve all decided to make it this complicated, and undoing it might be like trying to perform a root canal on a mountain lion. Sigh.

But as we crack a bottle of champagne over this year’s installment of April Fools’ Day, we’re throwing all of that out the window. Forget coherence of argument, stylistic integrity, perceived impact or general societal importance. In place of our usual relative seriousness, we’re going full-tilt, unhinged and half-baked. What do we say to the God of seriousness? Not today.

So it is with great pleasure that I present to you—in no particular order—my five stupidest proposals to improve the world of sports. I hope you enjoy it, but have no idea if you will.

Outdoor NBA games.

Why it would rock: If you’ve ever been to Venice Beach, Rucker Park or your neighborhood elementary school, you know that outdoor basketball is objectively better than indoor. Proper clothing is actually a factor. A tree branch might randomly block your shot. Football enjoyers will also note that there is nothing — and I mean nothing — cooler than a comically cold sporting event. Guys would be shooting with mittens on.

Why it might suck: My personal injury rate for playing basketball in the rain is like 70 percent.

Allow tennis players to make their own line calls.

Why it would rock: Maybe John McEnroe was onto something. Amateurs make all their own calls, and nothing is funnier than when someone makes a positively heinous out call that every single person knew was in.

Why it might suck: This would slow the game down to the point where matches would take multiple days to complete. And now we’re just playing cricket.

Metal Bats in the MLB

Why it would rock: People think what the MLB needs is more offense. Allow me to introduce you to Little League, where they’ve known all you needed to create offense was about 30 inches of aluminum. At Fenway Park, balls would be flying so far down I-93 they might make it to Tufts.

Why it might suck: As much fun as 650 foot home runs would be, I don’t think turning every game into a home run derby is what we need to save baseball. Wiffle balls instead of baseballs though? Now we’re getting somewhere…

Add European-style relegation to all major North American sports

Why it would rock: Relegation is objectively the best device for creating drama in sports. It throws any-and-all tanking operations completely out the window and demands that teams fight

, the sports lady not the mermaid

Extra special Sports lady

IT’S BETTER TO SINK IN THE CUMMINGS CENTER THAN TO CU- NEVERMIND