Virtual Explorers: Russian Nonfiction Writing Program Student Anthology - Class of Fall 2020

It’s In My Hair Lisa Bukatina On pondering for quite some time whether there was something in my appearance that stood out, something that was special about the way I looked (and there definitely had to be a hidden meaning behind that thing), I came to the realization that I am as ordinary as can be when it comes to looks. There is not a single thing in my wardrobe that carries an interesting story, – and even if it does, I don’t give it much thought. Why would I, right?

So, there I was, frantically searching in my mind for that special something that would make sense – why I always chose to wear jeans instead of dresses, or why I couldn’t go out without putting a ring on both my middle fingers, or why I always felt the need to wear necklaces, or why I scarcely put any makeup on my face, or why… I was the way I was.

It was at that moment that it suddenly hit me – maybe the mere fact of not having anything prominent to associate myself with was my peculiarity.

Looking at myself with that perspective in mind actually did help me a lot to find something that mattered to me about my looks, and which also could tell a story about me.

It is the way I wear my hair. But what can possibly be special about that? Well, it is natural that it plays a huge role in the way other people perceive us based on how our hair looks.

Being a girl with quite long hair, I was always expected to wear it down. “Why wouldn’t you? It is feminine, and you look more beautiful that way anyway,” said everybody even when it was none of their business. Partly, they were right – I do look more attractive with my hair down, and probably that is why there hasn’t been a single picture of me with a bun or a ponytail for a very long time.

The problem is that despite the fact that I like my appearance better that way, I don’t feel like myself when my hair is hanging loose. I always feel as if I were trying to impress somebody, and as if I were conforming to society for people to see a desirable picture of me on the daily. And, frankly speaking, that is the last thing I would want to do.

There is something about it that I just can’t take myself seriously that way. I like the way it looks, but not the way it feels. That is why you can almost always see me wearing a bun, especially when I have work to do. It is not only about the convenience (but surely it is important too), but more about the self-image that I created in my head a long time ago.

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