Uncle Andy's Digest - April 2013 by Uncle Andy's Digest

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

.com

THE MOST UNUSUAL DIGEST IN AMERICA

FREE April 2013

Complete, comprehensive dentistry for ages 3 to 103 Preventative dentistry cleanings and fillings

NEW s Alway s t n e Pati me! Welco

Cosmetic dentistry whitening, bridges, crowns, implants & more We accept most insurances Financing available

TAYLOR BROOK DENTAL ASSOCIATES

27 MILLETT DRIVE, AUBURN • 784-1577 TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM

Armandsab@aol.com

Jewelry to fall in love with

145 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com

SPRING HAS SPRUNG THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO GET PRE-APPROVED OR PRE-QUALIFIED FOR YOUR HOME PURCHASE!

Conventional ★ FHA ★ VA ★ MSHA ★ RD

A local lender you can trust! We also offer refinancing Debbie Bodwell, Vice President NMLS# 280336

Residential Mortgage Service, Inc. 777.1551

181 Center St. Auburn rmsmortgage.com • dbodwell@rmsmortgage.com

This is not a commitment to lend. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation level, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions. Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation Headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. ME License No. SLM2537

Don’t Forget Mom... Mother’s Day is May 12th

Celebrate her with 50% OFF all Mother’s pendants and rings!

Mommy Pendants

10 day minimum on custom jewelry

Journey of Motherhood Pendants

Gemstone & Birthstone Rings

Mother & Child Rings

• Guaranteed lowest prices on new & estate jewelry • Family owned and operated • In-house repairs • Gift Certificates available

Fine Jewelry

We buy gold!

www.goldworks.com 33 Center Street in Auburn • 782-7575 Mon-Tue-Wed 9-5 • Thu-Fri 9-6 • Sat 9-5

Foreign film: any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA APRIL 2013 Sunday, April 7th Sabattus Amer. Legion Breakfast 7:30 – 10am Post 135, Island Rd., Sabattus. $4 Member; $5 Guest Tuesday, April 9th Dairy Queen 4 – 7pm (Chapter 12907) 167 Minot Ave, Auburn $4.50 Member; $5 Guest Friday, April 12th VFW 1603 Roast Pork Supper 5 – 6:30pm 588 Minot Ave, Auburn $6 Member; $7 Guest Sunday, April 14th KC Breakfast 8-10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $4 M; $5 G; Child / 10 free Wednesday, April 17th Grid Iron 4 – 7pm (Chapter 10589) 1567 Lisbon St, Lewiston $8 Member $8.50 Guest Sunday, April 21st Bruins vs Panthers @ 12:30pm (Chapter 14346) TD Bank Garden, Boston $97.50 per ticket, no bus ride Wednesday, April 24th Dubois Café 7 – 10am (Chapter 12749) 906 Sabattus St, Lewiston $4 Member; $4.50 Guest Wednesday, April 24th The Green Ladle, Noon (Chapter 14437) 156 East Ave, Lewiston H.S. $8 Member; $8.50 Guest Wednesday, April 24th Shaner’s 11:30a - 1p (Chapter 10929) Main St, So. Paris. $5 Person Sunday, April 28th KC Breakfast 8 – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $4 M; $5 G; Child / 10 free Tuesday, April 30th Sam’s Noon – 7pm (Chapter 8609) Market Place Mall, Lewiston $3.50 Member; $4 Guest

College: the four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed. ************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Monday – Thursday 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com April 2013 Staff

JIMBO Fever Pitch

TRAVIS ADventuring

UNCLE ANDY Shared Videos

MAGGIE New Do

Opera: when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES Affordable Dentures Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Also see us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs

MARTY Dusting off the Clubs

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again! We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted We also accept Credit & Debit Cards

ANGIE Return of the Mob

TOM Socially Speaking

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

FREE CONSULTATIONS

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com Or email us at: smileagaindentures@gmail.com

While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Tips with English Grammar: Don't abbrev.

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

Tips with English Grammar: Check to see if you any words out.

Out ’n About at Community Credit Union with the Easter Bunny! The Easter Bunny hopped into Community Credit Union on Saturday, March 16th for free pictures for any children attending. Approximately 50 families came through that day.

I’m not sure how I feel about this Easter Bunny fella...

Zander & Blake Dow Hey, I see a Easter egg over there, I better stay cool...

Courtney Sinclair granddaughter of Judy Hagan-Ryan of CCU

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my tenpage technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Who Said?

A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

Submitted by Jimbo

An 80-year old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at the great shape the old fellow was in and asked, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?” “I am Scots and I’m a golfer,” said the old fellow, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee nip from my flask on each hole, and that’s it.” “Well,” said the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?” “Who said my dad died?” The doctor was amazed. “You mean you are 80 years old and your dad’s still alive. How old is he?” “He’s a 100 years old,” said the old Scottish golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this mornin’… And then we went to the beach for a walk, and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Scot and a golfer, too.” “Well,” the doctor said, “that’s great, but I am (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders, and travellers checks.

(continued from previous page)

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

We’re a local business, family owned & operated for over 10 years.

“Who said my grandad is dead?”

We offer archery lessons, lanes, rentals, sales, service, & custom strings.

Eric Kane is recognized by the National Archery Association this month for earning his Olympic Silver status. Of all the archers who have progressed to Olympic Bronze and beyond status, he has come along the fastest... only eight months!"

sure there’s more to it than that. How about your dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?”

Stunned, the doctor asked, “You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?!”

Handguns Rifles Shotguns Ammo

213 Washington St. • Auburn • 783-3060 centralmainearchery.com The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

“He turned 118 last month,” said the old Scot. The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning, too?” “No. Grandad couldn’t go this mornin’ because he’s getting married today.” At this point the doctor was close to losing it – “Getting married?! Why would a 118-year old bloke want to get married?” “Who said he wanted to?” I can smell Uncle Andy coming from a mile away. There won’t be any cow tipping on my watch!

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make vegetable stew.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Out ’n About at Community Credit Union with the Easter Bunny!

Uncle Andy Ponders: Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

The Easter Bunny hopped into Community Credit Union on Saturday, March 16th for free pictures for any children attending. Approximately 50 families came through that day.

Comprehensive Family Dental Care in a relaxing, comfortable atmosphere

Shealeigh & Savannah Hill Being the Easter Bunny isn’t as easy as it looks.

New Patients Always Welcome

Kevin M. Connelly, D.M.D. 1065 Lisbon Street, Lewiston (lower level)

Cat Ouellette

376-4977 Same Day Financing Options Emergency Care Available www.kevinconnellydmd.com

Chase Hogan Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Uncle Andy Ponders: Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?

CELEBRATING OUR ANNIVERSARY All month!

e c i o h C r Yo u 2 Large (FAMOUS) Chicken Salad Subs $ Med. Specialty Pizza

Larry & Diana in 2003

Large Lobster Sub

The temperature is rising and the days are getting longer = more time to enjoy our great monthly specials!

Larry & Diana in 2012

FREE C FF FRIDO EE A Y ! Free 2 0

with p oz. coffee Break urchase o fast f every Sandwich Fri in Apr day il!

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

Do You Play?

Look after your wife; never mind yourself--she'll look after you.

Submitted by Jimbo

A few years ago I was standing in the security line at the airport, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline security is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his beautiful new golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA TOUR. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: “Do you play?” I shook my head, “I used to, but I quit because I wasn’t very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies.” There was a long, confused, low in-take of breath, then… “The lower seventies?” “Yes,” I admitted. “Consistently?” he queried admiringly. “For nine,” I confessed.

TROP ICAL HARMONY MONY Marine Fish Coral Supplies

Spring has Sprung! Stop in for snacks & ice cold beer for the golf course!

All your salt water tank needs right here!

272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372

Natalie Green, Dalila Dube & Cat Ouellette

: U O Y G N I T PROTEC hat We Do. Is W

A car hit an elderly man and he only has minor injuries. The paramedic asks, "Are you comfortable?"

232 Center St., Auburn

786-0417 VarneyAgency.com Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm

The man says, "I make a good living." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

commercial

home

auto

recreational

umbrella

life

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Antibody: against everyone

health

Out ’n About Ice Fishing in a TOP SECRET Location

A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.

L/A’S NEWEST HOTSPOT FOR WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT Whiskey Wednesdays Thursdays Happy Hour 2pm-closing Friday Ladies Night Sundays Book your private party

APRIL BAND SCHEDULE

Here’s a TRUE fish story for you...

Fri. April 5th . . . . . .Fried Minds Comedy Show (no cover) Sat. April 6th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TBA Fri. April 12th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .The Grumps Sat. April 13th . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Brookside Band Fri. April 19th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Chad Porter Sat. April 20th . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Chapel St. Band Fri. April 26th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Chad Porter Sat. April 27th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TBA

Weekends: LIVE ENTERTAINMENT thefirehousegrille.biz

47 Broad Street, New Auburn • 376-4959

WOW!

Submitted by Marcel’s Barber Shop

Bean Suppah

Every Saturday Large “Andy’s Baked Bean” special $

7.50

Mark Laliberti holds up his prize catch, a 25lb, 42” Pike caught somewhere in Maine.

Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

Mark and his fishing buds left the fish on the ice, then all of a sudden a huge eagle spotted the fish and decided to make it his lunch! The guys chose not to get too close and snapped a picture from a distance... you can see the eagle feasting on the left side of the above photo.

Roller Skating = Family Fun Skate Schedule

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

Thursday Night

Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm

Friday Night

All Skating 7:30 - 10:00

Sat. & Sun.

1:30 - 4:00pm

Saturday Night

Family Night 7:30 - 10pm

Sunday Night

All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm

Find us on Facebook Dan Larrivee & Rachel Potvin, Owner/Operators

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Artery: the study of fine paintings

Once the eagle had finished his lunch, Mark and the guys took this photo to show what was left. We’re sure the eagle thanked Mark for his help in supplying a meal for a great bird.

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Lymph: walk unsteadily Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Paddy’s Night

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

YOUR TACTICAL WEAPON HEADQUARTERS SIGHTS, SCOPES & LASERS, GRIPS & MORE AMMO OF ALL TYPES, CALIBERS & QUANTITIES

AK’s & AR15 RIFLES

PISTOLS & SHOTGUNS

Rt. 4 in Turner • Just past Twitchell’s Airport • 225-3432 • www.G3Firearms.com

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Our operators are keeping the phone lines open for your call...

ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS WEEK

April 21st – 27th Surprise your employees this week!

Add chocolate to your order!!

Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn

782-3457 www.annsflower.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

& Jimbo

April 2013 783-7039

I borrowed a bagel ... it was a Lender's.

Thinking Outside the Box is a bit futile if you're sitting in one.

Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Paddy’s Night

Maine’s Largest Used Truck Cap & Tonneau Cover Dealer

APRIL SPECIAL $

100 OFF

Dan & Holly

offer expires 4.30.13

933-2493 980 Pond Rd. • Wales

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgement enough for me.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Burial Cost

I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.

Submitted by Glen Gisel

A man and his evernagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away unexpectedly. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

DON’S NO PREFERENCE TOWING CO. of L/A

CELEBRATING

YEARS

of helping people in trouble!

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The curious undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

Why Men Are Not Secretaries Submitted by Richard Collins

Husbands note on refrigerator to his wife: Someone from Guyana College called. He said your Pabst beer is normal. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

784-4619

CALL US IF YOU ARE BROKEN DOWN We now offer Roadside Assistance, such as tire changes and lockouts. We carry new Interstate batteries, an air compressor, and tools to help fix small problems.

CELEBRATING Don’s DBA...

YEARS 5 7

MORRIS AUTO PARTS 940 Washington St. North • Mon. - Fri. 8 - 5 • Sat. 8 - 12

Specializing in motors and transmissions Call for info

784-7374 • 800-730-7374 A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.

YOUR PHOTOS.

GET THEM. FEATURED

HERE! h pix wit ! s e nam

editor@ UncleAndys.com or private message them on our facebook page.

facebook.com/ UncleAndysDigest Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

We have the loan for you!

Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Paddy’s Night

Low Rates • Fast Approvals Call Michelle or Dane today!

Great Falls Federal Credit Union 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 • 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 *Restrictions & qualification apply

GreatFallsfcu.com Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Menopause: I no wait Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Tree Talk

Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Submitted by Glen Gisel

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Mr. Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that tree is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The woodpecker takes a wiff of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It smells like ash to me.”

Boy Scouts Robert Baden-Powell, founder of the Boy Scouts, was born on February 22, 1857, in London, England. Famous Boy Scouts include Walt Disney, Bob Hope, Charles Schultz, Neil Armstrong, Walter Cronkite, Jimmy Stewart, Ashton Kutcher, Harrison Ford, Richard Gere, Steven Spielberg, Michael Moore, Jimmy Buffett, Bill Gates, Sam Walton, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama... to name just a few. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Mike Morin’s

Auto Center

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon

OIL CHANGE

$24.95

Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

It’s pot hole season! We’re offering a FREE front end check.

Maine Pot Hole

Look Familiar? Mike Morin Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway, "See I am not injured yet."

NO ORDER TOO SMALL And no minimum purchases! Call us for a FREE quote!! Textile & Paper Wipes

• Sorbents & Safety Supplies • Janitorial Supplies & Can Liners • Breakroom & Food Service • Chemicals & Cleaners • Packaging • Skin Care • And More!

Towels, Tissues & Dispensers

NEXT DAY DELIVERY IN L/A! 120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.

WE’VE GOT WHAT YOU WANT! $8,250

Call FMI

Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Paddy’s Night

4X4, DVD, Leather

Auto, AWD, 89K, 2.7T

‘02 Audi Allroad

$9,295

6-Speed 107K

‘04 Chevy Tahoe LT

$37,995

496 Magnum, Loaded

‘07 Saab 9-3 Aer0 05 Audi A6 Quattro, 3.2L, Auto, 107k, Blue...................$12495 04 Audi A6 Quattro, 3.0L, Auto, 157k Silver ....................$6700 04 Audi A6, 97K, Gray, 2.7T, S-Line, AWD .......................$9995 02 Audi Allroad, Auto, AWD, 89K, Green, 2.7T ..............$8,250 02 Audi A4 Quattro, 1.8T, 5 Speed, 96k ...........................$7750 01 Audi A4 Quattro, 2.8L, Auto, 118k, Silver...................$6295 04 BMW 325i, wagon, 117k, White ..................................$9395 94 Chevrolet K3500, Crew Cab, 158K, Blue ...................$4,500 05 Ford Escape XLT, AWD, 155k, Silver ............................$6495 04 Ford F350, Diesel, 140k, Red .....................................$10495 04 Ford Ranger XLT, Super Cab, 136K, Green.................$7,995 06 GMC Sierra 2500, Crew Cab, 4WD, 134K, Pewter$12,500 03 Honda Pilot EX, 4WD, 144k, Blue ................................$7995 01 Honda Civic LX, Auto, 138k, Purple .............................$5450 05 Hyundai Elantra GT, Auto, 102k, Red ..........................$6250 04 Mercedes ML350, AWD, Blue ....................................$10,495 03 Mercedes ML500, Black, AWD......................................$8995 03 Oldsmobile Alero GL1, 71K, Red .................................$5,795 06 Saab 9-3, 2.0T, Wagon, Auto.,115K, Silver ...............$6,995

2007 23’ Baja Outlaw 06 Saab 9-5, 2.0T, 123K, Auto.,Silver ..............................$6,995 04 Saab 9-3, Auto, 107k, Blue ............................................$5495 02 Saab 9-5, 2.3T, 109K, Black..........................................$5,795 01 Saab 9-5, Wagon, 138k, Blue........................................$4250 04 Scion xA, 5-Speed, 126K, Black ...................................$6,295 06 VW Jetta, Silver, 2.5L, 5-speed .....................................$7,995 06 VW Passat 2.0T, 76K, Mocha .....................................$10,495 05 VW Passat GLX, 94K, Auto., Green..............................$7,995 04 VW Passat GLX, Wagon, 1.8T, 90k, Black...................$7795 04 VW Jetta GLS, Blue, 2.0L, Auto .....................................$6495 04 VW Passat GLX, 105K, 5-Speed, Black ......................$6,995 03 VW Passat wagon, 1.8T, 114k, Gray............................$6295 03 VW Passat GLX, 4Motion, 113k, Black .......................$6995 02 VW Jetta Wagon, 2.0L, 5 Speed, Blue .........................$4695 01 VW Passat Wagon, 1.8T, 101k, Gray ...........................$6495 06 Volvo S60, 2.5T, AWD, 123K, Green...........................$9,495 04 Volvo XC70, 2.5T, AWD, 115k.......................................$8595 01 Volvo V70, T5 Turbo, Auto, 122k .................................$5995

786-7744 1298 Sabattus St. & 1317 Sabattus St. • www.independentauto.me When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

ONE Second Before

To belittle is to be little.

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles visit our website:

www.donovansauto.com Stop by, call or click today! 946-7515 â&#x20AC;˘ 1-800-811-8856 Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Justice is blind and in some cases...deaf and dumb.

A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.

Keeping Track Submitted by Richard Collins

10% OFF with this ad

Complete Auto & Truck Repair • Front End Alignments • Engine Diagnostics • Custom Exhaust • Tires, Batteries

• Transmission Flush • State Inspections • Complete Front End Work • Tune-ups

35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039

Ron Moon, Manager

207-657-5000

JVC. KW, AV, In-Dash, DVD, Radio for the magnificently low price of...

329

216 Center Street, Auburn • 777-3339 Next to Republic Jewelry • Parking in back of building

soundeffectsmaine.com

A father of a dozen children admitted to a little difficulty keeping track of them. One night when the telephone rang after the family was asleep, he answered and heard a request for John. He called upstairs and heard a growing hubbub as young voiced relayed the request from room to room. The father got a little impatient. "I don’t want a riot. Just tell John to come down and answer the phone," he shouted. Finally a tiny voice penetrated the noise. "John is married, daddy. He doesn’t live here anymore."

Out ’n About at Bruce M. Whittier Middle School for Whittier History Day

ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM... Call us today!

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required, please call first • Fully warranteed & certified • $58/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto Brad Johnson

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn • 333-0364

The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.

Michael Peppe & Oliver Strout took 2nd place (modified category) with a display they created from their assigned history subject, the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire of 1911. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Out ’n About at the benefit for Jackie Hudson Jackie has been battling lung cancer. This benefit was put on with only 3 weeks preparation and raised $3,400 to help with the overwhelming medical expenses.

I am logged in...therefore, I am.

‘05 JEEP WRANGLER

SPECIALS

6 CYL. 6-SPD.

‘98 BEETLE DIESEL

ULTRA SCREAMIN EAGLE 7K

61K

APRIL SPECIAL

13,995 5995

‘09 FOCUS SE 1 OWNER

Linda Bellmore, Cindy Austin & Penny Braley

$ 27K

12,995

– PARTIAL LISTING – CARS

Bob Rosenbaum

‘06 HARLEY DAVIDSON

'09 Ford Focus SES, Auto, Loaded, 1 Owner, 27K . . . . . . . $12,995 '06 Toyota Avalon XLS, Roof, Leather, 121K . . . . . . . . . . . $10,995 '05 Toyota Camry LE, Loaded, 137K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $7,995 '06 VW Jetta, Roof, Leather, 119K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $7,995 '05 Buick Lacrosse, Like New, 90K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,995 '05 Chevy Impala, P. Seat, CD, Loaded, 90K. . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,295 '01 Buick Park Ave. Ultra, Only 75K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘04 Chrysler PT Cruiser Limited, 76K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘02 Hyundai Elantra, One Owner, 41K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘03 Honda Accord DX, 5-Speed, Loaded. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘01 Toyota Camry LE, Loaded, Remote Start. . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘98 VW Beetle , Diesel, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,995 ‘00 Honda Civic, 4 Dr., Auto., Loaded. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘07 Ford Crown Vic, Police Pkg., Black. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘01 Pontiac Grand Prix GT, Nice, One Owner . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995

Partial listing - many more arriving daily!

TRUCKS - SUVs

‘07 TACOMA XCAB OFF ROAD

Truck Caps

NEVER A DOC FEE!!

16,995

NO FLOOR PLAN!

LOADED

4X4 TRO

NO OVERHEAD!

WE OWN ALL OUR INVENTORY THAT MEANS YOU SAVE!!!! ‘04 Chevy 3/4 Ton, 4X4, Plow, 84K, One Owner. . . . . . . . $12,995 ‘06 Chevy Colorado Crew, 4X4, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $11,995 ‘03 Ford F250 XCab XLT, 4X4, 79K, One Owner . . . . . . . $10,995 ‘00 Toyota Tundra Limited XCab, 4X4. NICE. . . . . . . . . . . . . $9,995 ‘03 GMC Envoy XL 4X4, Loaded, 84K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $8,995 ‘02 Jeep Grand Cherokee, X-Clean 90K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,895 04 Jeep Liberty, Roof, Lights, Loaded. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6,895 ‘00 Jeep Cherokee Sport, Loaded, 109K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995 ‘99 Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited, X-Clean . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,995

Harley Davidsons ‘06 Screamin’ Eagle Ultra, 7,000 Miles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $16,950 ‘06 Street Glide, Many Extras . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $15,000 ‘06 Road King Sport, Mint, 17K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $13,500 ‘07 883L, Black, Extras, Nice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $4,950 ‘06 1200 Sportster, Extras, Ready . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5,950 ‘95 Fat Boy, Thousands Invested . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $8,500

All come with new Inspection, 14-Day Plate and Warranty

If we don’t have it,we can get it!!

‘07 Dodge Quad Cab Hemi 4X4 Sport, 95K . . . . . . . . . . . . $17,995 ‘07 Toyota Tacoma SR5 XCab 4X4, Off Rd. . . . . . . . . . . . . $16,995 ‘06 Hummer H3, Red, 85K, One Owner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $15,995 ‘05 Jeep Wrangler X, 6 Cyl., 6-Speed, 61K, SHARP . . . . . $13,995 ‘01 Chevy 1-Ton 4X4 Dump, Plow, 51K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $11,995

Gerry Fournier Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Established in 1984

Jeff & Rick Roy

353-2538

28 Soper Road, Durham

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Microbes: small dressing gowns

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

HIT THE TRAILS THIS SPRING IN YOUR NEW ARCTIC CAT ATV!

SHARE OUR PASSION

AMES SPORT SHOP, Inc 84 Littlefield Road, Auburn • 782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)

We Insure ALL of Your SUMMER TOYS Call or stop in today for a FREE quote!

Did You Know? Rubber Duckie is Ernie’s signature song, which, as you might guess, is a tribute to his Rubber Duckie. It had the distinction of being both number 16 on Billboard’s “Hot 100 Singles” in 1970 and being nominated for a Grammy for Best Recording For Children (which was beaten by The Sesame Street Book & Record). The first instance of the song appearing came in episode 78, when Ernie sang the song in his bathtub. The song has since been rerecorded a few times with different voice actors, but the same rubber duckie has always been used to match the sound of the original.

9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls

(207) 345-8711

CummingsAgency.com

Maine’s 2012 AAA Independent Auto Repair FACILITY OF THE YEAR

207-353-9862

Touché Submitted by Richard Collins

Ron Major is celebrating one year with us. Call and wish him a happy anniversary!

183 Lisbon St., Lisbon, ME 04350 www.qualitycareautorepair.com

The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.

An angry man with a package under his arm walked into an educational toy store. He went up to the clerk and said,"I would like to return this. It is just a square peg with a lot of round holes. You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole. Just what is this toy supposed to teach?" "Clichés," replied the clerk. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Out ’n About at the benefit for Jackie Hudson

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

SPRING S The Back Forty Used

Jackie has been battling lung cancer. This benefit was put on with only 3 weeks preparation and raised $3,400 to help with the overwhelming medical expenses. Glad we could help out with such a great cause. Showing up in Uncle Andy’s Digest is an unexpected bonus!

Brenda & Mark Swett

Troy Garrison

2009 Chevy Equinox

2008 Chevy Impala LT

2007 Chevy Tahoe LS

2007 Chrysler Aspen Limited

Stock #5830P, Black, 3.4L V6, Auto., 62K

Stock # 5820P, 3.9L V6, Auto., Remote Start

Stock #5829P, Silver, 5.3L V8, Auto., 74K

Stock #2283A, Blue, 4.7L V8, Auto., 63K, 4WD

our price

$21,995

$16,995

$14,995 $13,995 2010 Ford Escape Limited

2008 Honda Civic SI

2012 Hyundai Elantra GLS

2012 Hyundai Sonata Hybrid

Stock #5843P, Black, 3.0L V6, 75K, Roof Rack

Stock #5884P, Red, Manual 6-Spd, 52K, Sunroof

Stock #5885P, Red. Auto 6-Speed, 19K

Stock #2201A, Auto. 6-Speed, 6K, 39mpg

our price

$17,495

$15,695

$19,995

$26,995

Charles & Jonna Wilson Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work five days a week and the government spends seven.

One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.

SAVINGS!! d Car & Truck Center

Out â&#x20AC;&#x2122;n About at the benefit for Jackie Hudson Jackie has been battling lung cancer. This benefit was put on with only 3 weeks preparation and raised $3,400 to help with the overwhelming medical expenses.

2010 Scion XB

2007 Toyota 4Runner Limited

2010 Toyota Camry LE

2010 Subaru Forester 2.5X

Stock #1463A, Maroon, 27K, Auto.

Stock #2056A, 4.7L V8, Auto 5-Speed, 77K

Stock #5897P, Silver, Auto 6-Speed, 37K, Silver

Stock #1975A, Gray, 27K, AWD, 2.5L 4 Cyl.

our price

$12,995

$19,995

$16,995

$18,995

2007 Toyota FJ Cruiser

2009 Toyota Prius Touring

2008 Toyota Prius Touring

2010 Toyota Tacoma Reg. Cab

Anne M.

Margaret Pelletier & Richard Pelletier

Stock #2271A, 4.0L V6, Yellow, 89K, 4WD

Stock #1908A, CVT transmission, 77K, 48mpg

Stock #5851P, CVT transmission, 76K, Silver

Stock #2174A, 2.7L 4 Cyl., 16K, Manual

our price

$18,995

$13,995

$18,995

Spaghetti dinners are always a big hit!

Sue Rosenbaum Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Cardiology: advance study of poker playing

FIND US ON FACEBOOK

Propane... Exceptional Energy

5 OFF

Any Color Service

Twisted Scissors

Call us today to see how propane can work for you

9 Acadia Ave, Lewiston (off Lisbon St.)

312-5478

FMI go to www.murrayoil.com Cosmetologist Brittany Legare

Tues, Thurs, Fri. 9am-5pm • Wed. & Sat. 8am-noon

Walk-ins welcome

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Bacteria: back door to a cafeteria

FOUR SEASON SERVICE

Downeast Sharpening Sales & Service of Outdoor Power Equipment Complete Sharpening Service Glen A. Gisel

7 Main St. (Junction of Rt. 302 & 121) Raymond

S A N I PLUS

ADD A NEW BATHROOM FOR YOUR CELLAR No Need for Chiseling or Building Up a Floor Base

DOLMAR

shindaiwa

655-4635

www.downeastsharpening.com

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

Call us! No Separating Required!

1525 Lisbon Street, Lewiston 783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 MySelco.com

743-3891 HARRIS BROS.

The S A N I PLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations. It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from a soil stack. The S A N I PLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connected to a low consumption toilet.

Did you drive by your dream home? From Biddeford to Bangor... we can show you any listing you desire!

Brian & Tracie Vye 207.577.7937

Legacy Realty SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

KEEP COOL! GET YOUR A/C RECHARGED NOW!

681 Sabattus St, Lewiston 207.376.4830 Brian-Tracie@Legacy-Realty.com

Roadies Chicken... it is good to go!

Try some today and take

$1.00 OFF any 8 pc or larger with this ad

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Bruce & Elaine Pinette

Sign on a synagogue: Under same management for 5,765 years.

Did You Know? A femtosecond is the SI unit of time equal to 10−15 of a second. That is one quadrillionth, or one millionth of one billionth, of a second. For context, a femtosecond is to a second what a second is to about 31.7 million years.

Phil Tremblay We have an Angie’s List. Why not change the name to Uncle Angie’s Digest? Who is that Andy guy anyway?

Or said another way, a femtosecond is the time it takes light to travel the width of a human hair. A nanosecond is the time it takes light to travel one foot. Submitted by Richard Collins

I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs, the birds love it!

Judy Tremblay Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Mother’s Day B’day! After 25 birthdays I will now start counting over again... next year I’ll be 25 with one year’s experience.

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Cat Scan: searching for lost kitty

2010 Subaru Outback

2008 Subaru Legacy GT

$21,950

$14,950

Gold, Automatic

Black, 5-Speed, 6-CD Changer, MP3

2007 Subaru Legacy Sedan

2006 Mitsubishi Raider

$11,950

$9,450 White, Automatic, Premium Sound, MP3

Duro Cross V8, Automatic, Tow Package

2006 Subaru Tribeca

2006 Subaru Imprezza

Kelsey Cunliffe of Goldworks is turning 25 on May 12th, which just happens to be Mother’s Day. Stop by Goldworks and wish her a happy birthday.

$9,950

$13,950 Happy Birthday, Auntie Kelsey!

Black, 5-Speed, Alloy Wheels

Blue, 7-Passenger, Heated Front Seats

2004 Subaru Outback Sedan

All Subarus Come With:

$8,950

• 12-month/12,000 miles Warranty on all Head Gasket Issues • Vehicles fully serviced and maintained in-house • In-house direct lending available

Green, Auto., Power Moonroof, Alloy Wheels

Bentley Turmenne grandson of Goldworks owner, Tom Cunliffe Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

www.rjbandson.com Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Chronic: neck of a crow

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

Bathtub Test Submitted by Beth Francis

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an Care Home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Forever And A Day Submitted by Richard Collins

High up in the North, in a land called Svithjod, There stands a rock. It is 100 miles high and 100 miles wide. Once every 1,000 years a little bird comes to this rock to sharpen its beak. When the rock has been worn away, then a single day of eternity will have gone by. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

April Specials at the Chick Join us for our

Wine Dinner on Wednesday, May 1st Our last wine dinner was a huge success – make your reservations today!

Patty Hemenway

rusty Our Hot C sday ue Subs on T ay are sd & Wedne the BOMB

Want us to cater your next event? Food & Beverage – WE DO IT. Buffet style or plated dinners or lunches – WE GOT IT. Platters for 15 or 30 people – WE DO IT. Call us and we will fax you our options.

FRIEND us on Facebook for our daily specials & upcoming events!

Disetoen AL-ew Chick-of You’re gonna love it!

1472 Lisbon St, Lewiston • 376-3870 Our new website is up and running... ChickadeeLewiston.com

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Terri Hodgkiss

Nicole Adams Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

@ Ramada Inn • 490 Pleasant St. Lewiston There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu

We really love Rolly’s Diner. It’s good, quick, and affordable food! Richard Downs, Ryan Wilbur-Downs & Jalaine Wilbur of Auburn

87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

Trick or Treat Submitted by Richard Collins

Last Halloween I answered my doorbell and saw a little girl beautifully costumed but without a mask. As the child opened her bag to receive her treat, I saw her mask at the bottom of the bag. "Why don’t you wear your mask?" I asked. A tiny voice whispered, "I’m scared of it."

Mother Quotes MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

Snow What? Submitted by Richard Collins

We’ve got the MLB Extra Innings Pack age Catch your favorite team on one of our 15 HD TVs

On a snow-rutted Maine road, I came upon a farmer who was sitting in his truck, which was almost covered with snow. "Are you stuck?" I called. He shook his head. "Would be if I was trying to get out."

VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant, Best Waitstaff, & Best Burgers in L/A area

HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight

Home of the Gippers 89 Draft Beer

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Educational Submitted by Richard Collins

A second grader was asked, "What is a myth?" She answered, "A female moth." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

NO COVER EVER! EVERY WEEK AT THE TWINS TUESDAYS Open Mic w/Chad Porter

WEDNESDAYS Karaoke

THURSDAY-SATURDAY Live Entertainment

Irish Twins Pub Hours: Tues.- Thurs. 3pm-close • Fri. Noon-close • Sat. 4pm-close

743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s)

Elisi Nichols

The actions of an idiot are usually more acceptable than the reactions from someone who knows better.

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Protein: in favor of teens

BUILD YOUR BRAND Jim Landry

Call the guys who do print & social media marketing better than any other company out there!

Fact from a recent contest:

3,244,000 impressions for one company in a 30 day time period!

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST Rachel Reed Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Standing out from the crowd since 1996! UncleAndysDigest.com • 783-7039

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Since 1953

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

MONDAY The Fergy

TUESDAY Meatball Subs

WEDNESDAY Spaghetti Dinners 1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink

THURSDAY Mini Pizza

FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza

SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians with 1.5 Liter Drink

Rebecca Roy

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $4.99 I am not a politician, and my other habits are also good. – Artemus Ward

Greg Forsythe Thank you to everyone who helped coordinate this event and those who sponsored the event!

@ Ramada Inn • 490 Pleasant St. Lewiston

Debbie Henderson Everybody should live within their means, even if they have to borrow money to do it. – Artemus Ward

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Undo & Redo Submitted by Jimbo

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long form came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it. However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure." So I did.

Barney Fife on the Scene During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

CASINO BOUND? You’ll have better luck on a full stomach... Guaranteed!

Wall of Fame Inductee!

t stauran e r e l y t -s unch Family fast & l o! k a e r b asin serving to the c y a w e on th Home of the Double Yolker

Casey Blier of Norway

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery 5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 I just bought a load of topsoil. There may be some things that are dirt-cheap, but dirt isn’t one of them.

A day in the life of a teenager questioning their parents wisdom...

Waaaaaaaa... Mommy, you’re always right!

See Mom, it’s plenty strong enough to hold my weight...

Later the sergeant reports to the chief, "Sorry sir, but they got away." The chief, very disappointed, says, "I told you to cover all exits." "I did," replied the sergeant, "But they got away through the entrance." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a 1,000 times... There must be a lot of Italians who have mothers named "Mia".

Famed Apache warrior, Geronimo, who died at 79 in 1909, learned how to drive a car.

Make your reservations now for

Mother’s Day

✧ Special menu & specialty drinks! ✧ Reserve before May 12th and one lucky MOM will be chosen to receive a free meal (and 20% OFF a Child’s meal!) Mom will ift LOVE a G Card!

Call today to reserve your spot

Joseph Bretton

Just two kids having fun!

795-6888

Japanese Cuisine Hibachi ✧ Sushi ✧ Late Night Lounge 40 East Ave, Lewiston (Lewiston Mall Shopping Center)

www.sea40me.com Voted best New Restaurant by Market Surveys of America

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Secretion: hiding anything

Andrew & Cecelia Sloat Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Out ’n About at the Lisbon FCU Annual Meeting

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET 2 Main Street, Sabattus, ME 04280 • 207-375-8502 Open 7 Days a Week 6am-8pm

BUY 1 LARGE PIZZA

✂

John Silvestri

UAD • Expires 4/30/13

GET 1 FREE ✂

Try our fresh hot pizza today! *equal or lesser value

Tips with English Grammar: About sentence fragments.

Selma Basic Attention graduating seniors in high school: Did you know we give away three $1,000 scholarships every year? Visit our website for more info... lisboncu.org

5 OFF

Purchase of $25 or more Limit one per visit Expires 04/30/13

Japanese • Korean • Thai • Sushi 730 Center Street, Auburn Auburn Plaza NEXT TO FLAGSHIP CINEMA

376-4855 Bob Couture Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

jasminecafemaine.com

The world now has more people dying from obesity than malnutrition.

The science of kissing is called Philematology.

UNBEATABLE BREAKFAST SPECIALS TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast.................$4.25

1 OFF Any

WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes...................$4.25

Purchase

THURSDAY: French Toast.............................................$4.25

of $500 or more

All breakfast specials include coffee

Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am Fresh Steak Cut & Ground Daily!

MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast .........$4.25

FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette.........................................$4.25 5 Washington Street, Auburn

783-4304

SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage............$4.25 SUNDAY: French Crepes...............................................$4.25

Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm • Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm Phone Orders Are Welcome

Prices do not include tax.

1 coupon per order Please, no reproduction of coupons

✁

Expires 4.30.13

UAD used the wrong owners name last month for the contestant, Charlie Gump in our pet photo contest display. We sure hope this gets us back in the good graces with Mr. Gump.

My mommy is Kathy Mathieu and she’s pretty special to me. Thanks Uncle Andy’s Digest for having my back. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

ONE Second Before

Don’t Miss our BIG Sale! We buy, sell & trade

J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn 777-3579

Call for N.R. the nex A. P t Cou istol rse

Full Line Gunsmith Service

The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" Loneliness: The pain of being alone. Solitude: The joy of being alone.

Jamie Pelletier, Manager

jtreidsgunshop.com

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.

9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat

John Reid, Owner

The vibrations from the bass on a stereo can cause your lungs to collapse.

Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Out On A Limerick

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Submitted by Richard Collins

The Party is Here All Month Long

There was a young girl from St. Paul Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball. But the dress caught on fire And burned her entire Front page-sports section-and all. On March 19, 1918, the U.S. Congress established the standard time zones. Trivia fans: The United States has ten time zones (nine official plus that for Wake Island and its Antarctic stations.) In 1910, Carl E. Stotz, the founder of Little League baseball, was born in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. To honor him, the Little League world championships are still played in Williamsport.

Mother Quotes JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

Did You Know? Cynthia McFadden, host of Nightline on ABC, is an Auburn native and a graduate of Edward Little High School. – Submitted by Richard Collins Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP April 6th

April 13th

April 20th

Cold Blue Steel

Twyce Shy

Stronghold

COMEDY PUBSIDE EVERY FRIDAY!! Featuring Jon Tole on April 5th

th Friday, April 19 t for Cancer Benefi Greg Michaud ner Pot Luck Din & Reggae by Live Hip Hop s, Pallaso, Mes ore Dirty Raw & M Doors open at

8pm

SAVE THE DATE May 4th

Dead Season & the mechanical bull 150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info Favorite Senior Citizen sayings from Maxine: I'm the life of the party... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

Favorite Senior Citizen sayings from Maxine: I'm very good at opening childproof caps...With a hammer.

Call NOW for Reservations Mother’s Day Sunday, May 12th “Best Seafood Restaurant” Ten years in a row.

Award Winning Chowder Family Owned for 3 Generations

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com

Heliophobia is the fear of sunlight.

The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional.

People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for health.

During an eclipse of the sun in 1868, spectral lines were located that were attributed to an unknown element that was called "helium," from the Greek word for "sun." Thirty years later, helium was discovered on Earth.

Earlybird Special

5 OFF any two entrees

Monday-Friday • 2-4pm

✁Expires 4.30.13

Brunch is Back 10am-2pm every Sunday

Make your reservations for Mother’s Day macsgrill.com

UAD

L/A’s Best Steaks Excellent new menu items including chicken, fish, & pasta entreés

783-6885

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

Favorite Senior Citizen sayings from Maxine: I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Happy Birthday! A little birdie told us that Abby is turning 7 years old on April 29th!

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Help a student in need get the education they deserve Round up your purchase to the nearest dollar & the difference will be donated to the C.M. Education Foundation Scholarship* * During the month of April 2013

Abby, with her dad, Chris M. Photo submitted by Abby’s mom, Darcy.

Locally Owned & Operated

Happy Birthday!

Front row: Michele Tribou, Heidi’s owner; Kirstie Acker, Miranda Greenleaf, Marc Gosselin (CMCC Director of Development). Back row: Devon Veilleux, Kyle MacVane, Ryan Gervais, Eli Whittaker

600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com In 1937, Popeye, the cartoon spinach lover, became the official mascot of Crystal City, Texas, noted for its spinach industry.

That same little birdie told us that Nick is turning 11 years old on April 8th!

Clockwise from bottom left:

John, Michelle & Nick Hale Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, was afraid of the dark. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Winner, Winner Steak Dinner!

Roy Spitzform & Larry Roy of Dad’s Place Roy was chosen out of 7,739 entries in a social media contest run on Uncle Andy’s Digest’s Facebook page. Roy won a $100 gift card to Mac’s Grill. Dad’s Place sponsored the contest as part of their 10th anniversary celebration.

Favorite Senior Citizen sayings from Maxine: I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I do not think, therefore I am not.

Tips with English Grammar: Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES

Rod Cameron & Ben Britton

• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

60 Minot Ave • Auburn

782-6666 or 783-2026

Here is the illustration of this principle: One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?" Descartes replied, "I think not," and promptly vanished.

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

"I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better."

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

– Plutarch

Bands on the RUN

2013 Bands on the Run planning committee: Erik Boucher, Michelle Twitchell, Amber Waterman, Kelly St. Hilaire, Jane Clavet, David Hediger, Disa Fedorowicz-Drews, Mike Lecompte, Jeff Allen & Regina Catterson. Not pictured: George Gendron, Amy Hediger, Alina Burke, Penny Gimpell, Richard Lafontaine & Ed Desgrosseilliers.

Event planners have been hard at work making the June 23, 2013 Bands on the Run Half Marathon, 5K and Kids’ Fitness Course a memorable event for participants and spectators alike. The event will have even more popular bands to provide a pulsating beat for all runners! “The courses have been modified to enhance runners’ experience,” notes Mike Lecompte, co-race director. “We’re including more trails that offer great views of the Androscoggin River.” Proceeds from the event benefit the work and mission of Museum L-A, from innovative children’s programs to special community exhibits to preserving our local history. It is one of the museum’s largest fundraisers. More food, music, dancing and a festival of fun will await participants at the finish line in Simard-Payne Park. This year there will be two Party Zones on the race course where spectators will be treated to refreshments, music, karaoke, rock band competitions and good cheer. Registration is now under way at www.bandsontherunhalf.com, with discounted prices for runners who sign up early. The Half-Marathon start is at 8 a.m. and is a 13.1 mile run along city streets, country roads, park paths and trails that follow the Androscoggin River and run through the historic Twin Cities of Lewiston and Auburn. Beginning at 8:30 a.m. runners and walkers in the 5K will follow a course that includes the downtown business districts of Lewiston and Auburn. Children, from ages 5 to 12, may participate in the Kids’ Fitness Course from 9-11 a.m. This will be a self-paced, non-timed, event where the goal is to complete the course while giving children a great opportunity to exercise. A $5 entry fee will be charged per child with free scholarships available upon request at the start of the course. Children who complete the course will be given a shirt as a finisher’s prize. A parent or legal guardian will be required to sign a waiver on race day. Bands, several of which are back from last year, will be stationed at selected sites along the course. Some of the lineup includes the Repeat Offenders, Ron Bergeron, PopRocks, Eyes Set West, and newcomers, Full Circle Rocks. The public is invited to cheer on runners, listen to music and to PLAY at the “Party Zones” which will be located at the The Gym on Main Street, at Pedro O’Hara’s, and at the finish line in Simard-Payne Park where there will be an awards ceremony to recognize the top finishers. FMI, including registration information and course maps, visit the event’s website at www.bandsontherunhalf.com or email info@museumla.org or bandsontherunhalf@mail.com. Check out the event’s lively Facebook page for training tips, discussions and race updates.

Tips with English Grammar: When dangling, don't use participles.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Out ’n About at the Lisbon FCU Annual Meeting

Baby-sitter: a teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.

! a z o o l a Ladyp Saturday, May 11 11:00-3:00

George Roy

Grand Ballroom Hilton Garden Inn Auburn

Show me the money!

Join us for an afternoon of shopping, spa services, snacks, samples & girl time.

HUGE RAFFLE Tons of Prizes Amanda Booker

Enjoy massages & hors d'oeuvres.

FREEion

Admiss

Find the perfect Mother’s Day gift 50 Local Businesses offering samples, demos & unique gifts. Each vendor will provide a raffle gift with proceeds benefitting KidsPeace

Ladypalooza is an annual fundraising event to raise money for local women & children’s charities.

100% proceeds donated to: Paul Triggiani Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

www.kidspeace.org

KidsPeace is a private charity dedicated to serving the behavioral and mental health needs of children, families and communities.

Tattoo: permanent proof of temporary insanity.

maine-lyaction.com

539-8811

596 Main Street, Oxford

1 mile south of Oxford Plains Speedway

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Out ’n About at the Lisbon FCU Annual Meeting

Nicholas Craig

Timothy Plummer Did you know Lisbon CU has been part of this community since 1959. Since the inception of credit unions, the motto has always been “Not for profit, not for charity, but for service”.

Richard Veilleux Cannibal: person who likes to see other people stewed.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Parenting Matters Conference

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Bullying Awareness & Prevention Featuring Maine author and educator, Stan Davis When: Sat, April 20th 8:30am-4pm Where: St. Doms 121 Gracelawn St. Auburn Cost: $75/person .5 CEUs available for an additional $25 fee.

Join Stan Davis, keynote and international expert on Bullying Prevention and Awareness, who will share the results from the Youth Voice Project and strategies for preventing and addressing bullying. Choose three workshops from three tracks of 36 topics ranging from parent education, professional development and self-care! Here’s just a few of the 36 workshops offered: • Supporting the Emotional Well-being of Children • What Parents & Guardians need to know about Bullying • The Importance of Healthy Relationships • Siblings Without Rivalry • Bias, Bullying and Your Community • Meditation Techniques to Calm You & Your Family • Helping Kids Build Strong Minds & Bodies • Supporting Multilingual Children

Lunch will be provided by Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli.

for Fall 2013 Ages 2-4 Call FMI 439 Park Avenue, Auburn www.auburnpreschool.com

782.4329

Spring & Summer Inventory • Swimming Apparel & Toys • Sandals, Crocks & Shoes • Strollers • Summer Outfits

Call 783-3990 to register or inquire about vendor space before April 12, 2013. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

pipsqueakschildrensboutique.com

120 Center Street, Auburn • 212-0770 Mon-Sat 9-7 • Sun 11-5

Traffic light: apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

GET DESIGN IDEAS FOR YOUR HOME

MAINE HOME SHOW LEWISTON 190 Birch Street Lewiston

Saturday April 27th 10am-7pm Sunday April 28th 10am-4pm Connect with local companies and get advice on your projects Lawn & Landscape • Window & Door • Lighting & Interior Decorating Contractors • Kitchen & Bath • Flooring • Service Providers Weatherization • Pool & Spa • and more!

FMI visit our website or like us on Facebook to receive updates about the show.

www.mainehomeshow.com

Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Paddy’s Night

Yellowstone is the world's 1st national park. It was dedicated in 1872.

People who regularly play video games are faster at making real-life decisions.

Out ’n About at Minot Consolidated School

Mrs. Rawson's Class's Crazy Hair Day Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

A sneeze will travel out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

NEXT Level Business Coaching We Will Make Your Business Better in 90 Days â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Guaranteed!

Call 207-376-3239 for a free, confidential 90-minute coaching session on any two business issues you are facing.

Come experience business coaching at NO RISK.

Uncle Andy’s Firewood

The most adorable bride of today will be someone's mother-in-law in the future.

Submitted by Jack Marsh

So, Uncle Andy takes the chain saw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chain saw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" he asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," Uncle Andy tells himself. So, the next morning he gets up at 4:00 am and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. Uncle Andy is convinced this is a bad saw. "Reggie told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to him," Uncle Andy says to

Expires 5.31.13

SPRING SPECIAL

Heating Oil Service & Installation

Furnace Cleaning

✃

Uncle Andy is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to Reggie’s shop in Auburn and asks about various chain saws. Reggie tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-ofthe-line model. This chain saw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

125*

(includes filter, strainer, nozzle, vacuum & efficiency test)

*Within the L/A area and reasonable outskirt area

KNOWLEDGEABLE, DEPENDABLE & FAIR

An unbeatab le team!

F U L LY L I C E N S E D & I N S U R E D

On Call 24 Hours

576-3500 FREE ESTIMATES

COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING

Jane & Jeff Maxim

Spring is here!

Time to get your car or truck in for professional detailing. Protect your vehicle from the elements.We offer complete vehicle detailing.

Call for our specials!

782-6515

1111 Center Street, Auburn

For All Your Salon & Spa Needs to get updates on special services & promotions

336 Center St., Auburn • 777-1611 Tues. - Fri. 9am-7pm • Sat. 9am-2pm

(continued on page 50)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!

The name Adam is believed to have originated from the Hebrew word for earth Adamah.

VERY SUITING

Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Paddy’s Night

TUXEDO & SUIT RENTALS & SALES at prices You can afford! Wedding Party Special

Prom Special Rent or Buy a Suit or Tux Get a FREE Men’s haircut & a 60 minute tanning package

✃

Rent 5 tuxedos and get the 6th rental FREE

✃

Expires 5.31.13 • Not to be combined with any other special

S&J Tuxedos & Limo Service 76 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

333-3737 Affiliated with Sarah Jeanne’s Family Hair Care, Tanning & Day Spa 795-6778 • www.sarahjeannes.com Uncle Andy Ponders: If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

(continued from page 48)

Tips with English Grammar: Just between You and i, case is important.

himself. The very next day he brings the saw back to Reggie’s Sales & Service and explains the problem. Reggie, baffled by Uncle Andy’s claim, removes the chain saw from the case and says, "Hmmm, it looks fine." Then Reggie starts the chain saw, to which Uncle Andy responds, "What's that noise?"

Out ’n About at Irish Twins Pub on St. Paddy’s Night

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

Spring Break Tasha vs. Alex By Natasha Piirainen

Last month my boyfriend and I were on Spring break for one week. He spent the week with his family in California visiting friends while I spent my week in Maine at home. Our only contact was through text messaging; our conversations went as follows:

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Day 1 Tasha: What are you up to? Alex: We just rode bikes on the beach! It is almost 80 degrees here. What about you? Tasha: Well it’s a piping hot 40 degrees here. I only had to use one comforter last night instead of two! Day 2 Alex: Another day at the beach! Tasha: Make sure you are wearing lots of sun-screen so you don’t get sun-burned! Alex: Make sure you wear mittens so you don’t get freezer burn. Day 3 Tasha: It was so warm out today it only rained instead of snowed. Alex: That’s great! It was so warm here my sandals melted a little bit. Tasha: Oh, rub it in why don’t

you. Day 4 Alex: It’s too relaxing here in California, I will never get any homework done. Tasha: I’m currently writing an essay on a cot in the laundry room while the dryer is running, my little sister is singing One Direction songs at the top of her lungs, and my parents are trying (but failing) to harmonize with her. Quit complaining. Alex: You win. Day 5 Tasha: ALEX SMELLS Alex: What? Tasha: Sorry, my family stole my phone. Alex: Tell little Pammy she’s the one that smells! Tasha: Pam didn’t send that. My father did.

Happy Spring!

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Coma: Punctuation mark

Uncle Andy Ponders: When pigs don't want to do something, would it be “Yeah, when humans fly?”

Authorized Service Center

INSTRUMENT REPAIR, SERVICE & SALES Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair

Also offering lessons in: • Guitar • Piano • Bass • Voice • Banjo • Mandolin • Violin • Ukulele • Brass & Woodwinds • Cello • Music theory

www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com • 376-3376 Out ’n About at the 2013 Paul Mitchell Icons Hair Show Left: Dee Chapman, Icon Robert Cromeans, Marlo Hewitt & Ashalie Wark

Right: Dee Chapman, Ashalie Wark, Marlo Hewitt & Kerry Sullivan

HUGE SALE NOW GOING ON! What the pros use!

Stop in or call for more information & pricing!

REGGIE’S SALES & SERVICE Your Local Four Season Power Equipment Dealer Where the Pros shop!

1334 Minot Ave, Auburn • 783-0558 Hours: Monday, Wednesday, Friday 7:00 am - 7:00 pm • Tuesday & Thursday 7:00 am - 5:00 pm • Saturday 8:00 am - 3:00 pm

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

134 Main Street, Auburn Did You Know? Antlers and horns are not the same. Horns grow throughout an animal's life and are found on both the male and female of a species. Antlers, composed of a different chemical substance, are shed every year.

Little Known Fact In 1931, Auguste Piccard and Charles Knipfer flew a balloon from Augsburg, Germany, to a glacier near Innsbruck, Austria. Reaching a height of 51,793 feet during their 17-hour flight, they were the first humans to reach the stratosphere. Strive for excellence, not perfection. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Best Smile Photo Contest Entrants

Favorite Senior Citizen sayings from Maxine: I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

MAKE THE MOVE TO PROTECT THE ONES YOU LOVE

Last month Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry sponsored our “Best Smile” Photo Contest. Here are the top 3 vote getters...

Wills • Trusts Power of Attorney Living Wills

#1 149 Votes

Colby Dufour & Kelly Berube “8 years of smiles together.” Colby & Kelly won a $50 gift card to Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall.

The Law Offices of John Whalen, P.A. 184 Webster Street, Lewiston

207-786-0346

John Whalen with Rylee

Studies suggest that if you look at the ocean for 5-10 minutes a day, you will be healthier and happier.

Easter Island secret revealed!

#2 91 Votes

Bentley Michaud Submitted by Gina Dudevoir

#3 43 Votes

Tracy Lewis Submitted by Pat Lewis

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Favorite Senior Citizen sayings from Maxine: I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Best Smile Photo Contest Entrants Last month Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry sponsored our “Best Smile” Photo Contest. Here are some of the great entries.

Sophia Johnson Submitted by Alicia Regan Photo credit: Blissful Photography

eastcoastsigndesign.com

Job Signs Vehicle Lettering Vinyl Wraps

1052 Sabattus St. Lewiston

783-9021 Madison

Protect the 2nd Amendment

Submitted by Jamie Hersom

Learn to protect yourself and your family.

NRA Certified Instruction

CC Permit • Basic • Advanced Don Mailhot NRA - Law Enforcement 576-5131

Roland Levasseur NRA-SIG Academy - Frontsight 212-0608

View our course schedule at:

www.rdtacticalhandgun.com

Thinking about your muscles can increase your strength.

Carolyn Submitted by Keith Pray Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Texting Seniors

New York City actually has more trees than any other city in the US has people.

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

Cotton Candy & Popcorn Fundraising Earn up to 40% of the proceeds!

• ATD = At the Doctor's

Yummo Carts

• BFF = Best Friends Funeral • BTW = Bring the Wheelchair

241-3169

• BYOT = Bring Your Own Teeth

YummoCarts.com

• CBM = Covered by Medicare • CUATSC = See You at the Senior Center • DWI = Driving While Incontinent • FWIW = Forgot Where I Was • GGPBL = Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low • GHA = Got Heartburn Again • HGBM = Had Good Bowel Movement • LMDO = Laughing My Dentures Out • LOL = Living on Lipitor • OMSG = Oh My! Sorry, Gas • TOT = Texting on Toilet • WAITT = Who Am I Talking To? Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

I can't help but nervously keep looking in my rear view mirror when I'm at a drive-thru ATM and see Braille on the keypads.

"Make a game of finding something positive in every situation. Ninety-five percent of your emotions are determined by how you interpret events to yourself."

Bathroom Design FAILURE Submitted by Glen Gisel

– Brian Tracy

Is Your Parking Lot This Clean?

It can be!

Call NO W for par king lo t sweep ing work q & site uotes.

Morin ating excav Inc.

Andy Morin 207.784.8293 cell: 207.576.4714 amorinexc@roadrunner.com

Owning a dog or cat increases your nurturing skills.

Those stars and colors you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes.

Best Smile Photo Contest Entrants Last month Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry sponsored our “Best Smile” Photo Contest. Here are some of the great entries.

Sarrah Jeanne Haines Submitted by Jolene Stevens

Crystal Robinson

Kathleen Nation A deck of cards must be shuffled at least 7 times to be considered sufficiently randomized.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Best Smile Photo Contest Entrants

Honey bees know the world is round and are able to calculate angles.

Last month Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry sponsored our “Best Smile” Photo Contest. Here are some of the great entries.

Ryan WilburDowns Submitted by Sherry Wilbur

Rescheduled

date due to a from its original ady have a re Al . snow storm od for the ticket? It’s still go new date!

Cody Plimpton Submitted by Kristen Anderson

Anna Duff Submitted by Gretchen Duff Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

People who sleep on their back are 10 times more likely to experience a nightmare.

Did You Know?

A person's ashes can actually be turned into a diamond.

In May 1844, James Knox Polk of Tennessee became the first "dark horse" candidate in American political history to receive the presidential nomination as the Democrats ended their Baltimore national convention. Polk surprised his opponents by winning the presidential election the following December.

indham •

Located

orth W . 115 in N

892-822

on Rt

In 1953, Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to break the sound barrier as she flew an F-86 over the California desert near Rogers Dry Lake.

Did You Know? I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

Winner! Hair by Gregory’s recently sponsored a “Bad Hair Day” photo contest on the Uncle Andy’s Digest Facebook page. The winning entry is pretty darn cute!

Mommy says I need a hair cut...

Croatia declared its independence from Yugoslavia on June 25, 1991. On January 15, 1992, the European Community recognized the independence of Croatia and Slovenia. Knock, Knock Who's there? Ida Ida who? Ida written sooner, but I lost your address.

Mila, the winning Submitted by Kristin

Kristin Boulay receives a $50 Hair By Gregory's Gift Card from Kelly Soracco, owner of Hair By Gregory's located at 392 Center St. in Auburn.

entry! Boulay

Contact Uncle Andy’s Digest FMI about getting more exposure for your business at 783-7039 or email editor@uncleandys.com

Saying "pineapple" to someone as their about to sneeze can cause them to "forget" about sneezing.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM 57

Out ’n About on Hooper Pond in Greene Ice Fishing on Hooper Pond with some Local Boy Scouts. The event was organized by Tony Reny, town selectman in Greene & his crew of fishing buddies.

The faster your walking speed, the longer you are likely to live.

PLANNING A BACKYARD WEDDING? Ask about our signature models!

CALL FOR PRICING

G.A. DOWNING 782.4508 or 800.924.4500

Donna Terrio, Nick Paterson, Kimberly Barkman, Mike & Karen Hastings

Service Rental Sales

111 Woodman Hill Road, Minot www.gadowning.com

It feels like something is on there... This is sooooo exciting!!!

Back: Adam Marden & Tina Binette. Front: Addison Marden, Bret Binette & Daniel Chabot Oh YEAH!!

Alex & Eric Terrio

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Thank You to Tony Reny & his crew of guys all standing out back here with me for putting this event on for our scouts. We really enjoyed the experience!

The price to build the Titanic was $7 million. The price to produce the Titanic movie was $200 million.

The world's oldest message in a bottle was found in Scotland in April 2012. It spent 97 years and 309 days at sea.

Out ’n About on Hooper Pond in Greene Ice Fishing on Hooper Pond with some Local Boy Scouts. The event was organized by Tony Reny, town selectman in Greene & his crew of fishing buddies.

Does my hand look amazingly big, or is it just me?

Jeff Levesque of the Town of Greene Conservation Commission

Dan Small & Matt Reny Wise man once said, “A bad day of fishing is always better than a good day at work.”

Tony Reny & Steve Morin People who sleeps late have more mental stamina and can outperform early risers.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Best Smile Photo Contest Entrants

After reading this fact, you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second "the"!

Last month Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry sponsored our “Best Smile” Photo Contest. Here are some of the great entries.

Madeline Duff Submitted by Michael Duff

Kayla Cox

Join in the fun AND get your business more exposure! Contact

Uncle Andy’s Digest to learn more about our Social Media Marketing programs.

We’re thinking, based on his club selection, this is a 178 yard par 3 with a slight breeze to his back. He’ll probably hit the green just beyond the pin with a little backspin to draw it back toward the hole.

990 Lisbon Street Lewiston

But that’s just a guess...

editor@UncleAndys.com or call 783-7039 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Without that little voice in your head, you wouldn't be able to read this.

TWICE AS NICE! Lewiston Blue Devils Cheerleaders back to back New England Champs

ts,

Cool shir huh?

Members of the New England Championship Team: Adreena Adams, Torey Reny, Kirsty Beauchesne, Kara Barnies & Taylor Pratt, Olivia Bergeron, Lilly Fundis, Tierra Safe, Tia Cortes, Erika Thibault, Kelly Nuzzo, Abby Madden, Cassie Regner, Erin Morris, Meagan Murphy, Andrea Bonin, Sage Physic, Sadie Dulac, Taylor Hopkins, Sierra Melanson, Nadine Jones & Alyssa Rousseau. Coaches: Lynnette Morency & Jennifer Roy. Lewiston High School cheerleading successfully defended its 2012 New England championship March 16th at the New England Interscholastic Spirit Championship in Lawrence, Mass. Maine schools went one-two in the competition. Lewiston's score of 188 points easily outdistanced Marshwood's 181.1. "It was even better than states," Lewiston coach Lynnette Morency said. Lewiston also won its third consecutive Class A state championship in February. In 2012, the Blue Devils became the first team from Maine to win the New England competition. "We felt confident that if we did (close to) a perfect routine that we had a good chance of winning," said Kirsty Beauchesne, one of Lewiston's two senior co-captains along with Kara Barnies. "It's awesome to have the top two teams be from Maine and to show that Maine is the best in New England," Barnies added. "It's always anxious going into the competition, but they were very relaxed," Morency said. "They had a great week of practice and went out and did a great job. They looked like they were having fun." Asked which of the two titles is sweeter, neither co-captain hesitated to say the latest one. "I think this one is a lot more exciting because it was my last Â performance as a Lewiston High School cheerleader, and I wanted it to be the best," Beauchesne said. "It shows that the first time wasn't luck.Â It wasn't a fluke." Lewiston is known at the state level for its high-risk, high-reward routines. The Devils realized that they couldn't afford any major, visible mistakes or dropped stunts, and Morency said there were none. "I'm their toughest critic," the coach noted. "We had a couple of small tumbling issues, but I would rather see that than have it all come crashing to the floor." "I agree with Coach that this was our best performance," Beauchesne said. "We had really good energy. We just put it all together." Twenty-three teams competed in two classifications. Lewiston had to wait through six more performances after its own before scores were announced and awards were presented. By then, however, the Devils were at peace. "I had good vibes," Barnies said. "The performance felt good." "It shows how competitive our state is to go down there and take first and second," Beauchesne said. "I'm so proud of Marshwood." Lewiston cheering is the first team from the school to win multiple New England championships in any sport.

You Just Never Know

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas.

Submitted by Jimbo

BACKGROUND CHECKS

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. “I want to repay you,” said the nobleman. “You saved my son's life.” “No, I can't accept payment for what I did,” the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. “Is that your son?” the nobleman asked.

(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

Local, State, National and Federal Criminal History

includes: • SSN Verification/Address Verification • InstaNational Criminal History • Federal Criminal History • Maine SBI Criminal History • Sex Offender/Violent Offender search all states • Interpol / FBI most wanted • Terrorist watch list

$45.00

Tenant Screening

$49.99

State and National Criminal History

includes: • SSN verification/Address verification • InstaNational criminal History • Maine SBI criminal history • Sex Offender/Violent Offender search all states • Interpol / FBI most wanted • Terrorist watch list • Trans Union Credit Report w/ credit score • National Eviction Check (Civil courts, all states)

A La Carte Pricing National Criminal History including Sex Offender all states ................................$18.99 SSN Address Verification.................................................2.75 Employment Credit report ...............................................9.00 Tenant Credit Report w/ score ........................................9.00 State of Maine SBI check...............................................24.00 State of ME drivers license history .................................9.00

Personal and professional reference checks ..............$10.00 Education verification....................................................15.00 Prior Employment verification......................................10.00 Professional License verifications.................................10.00 Single state Eviction check...............................7.00 per state National Eviction Check ................................................11.00

Other verification and Private Investigator services are available. All searches are conducted and filtered by a licensed private investigator to meet FCRA regulations to reduce your liability. Pre-adverse and adverse action letters and consumer copies provided at no extra charge to help you stay compliant with current FCRA regulations. Volume pricing is available. Volume customers can be set up to run reports right from their own office for their convenience.

MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator

“Yes,” the farmer replied proudly.

Pre-Employment

783-7039

577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com Tips with English Grammar: Don't use no double negatives.

Tips with English Grammar: In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.

Grammie’s Cottage

OPENING SOON! Buying Gold & Silver Top Dollar Paid!

Gift Shop • Holiday Gifts • Jewelery • Homemade Crafts • Souvenirs

740-6061

Open Wed.-Sun.

Call FMI 1321 Sabattus St. • Lewiston

(207) 346-0178

11 Mechanic Falls Road Welchville Junction, ME

(continued from previous page)

ONE Second Before

“I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.” And that he did.

...Our Design

WOW! 10’x12’ Oak Kitchen with countertop $1,99999 10’x12’ Birch Kitchen with countertop $2,09999

Bruce

Holly

Prince

Stacy

1822 Lisbon Rd., Lewiston

1766 Federal Rd. (Rt. 4) Livermore

784-3100

897-3400

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com Uncle Andy Ponders: If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

ONE Second Before

Uncle Andy Ponders: What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! DAILY SPECIALS Monday - Turkey Dinner . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99 w/ potatoes, peas, squash, stuffing, gravy & rolls

Tues. Wed. & Thurs. Fried Clams . .sm. $11.99 . . . . .lg. $15.79 w/potato & choice of salad or cole slaw

Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie . . . . . . . . . .$6.99 w/potato & rolls

Thursday - New England Boiled Dinner . . .$9.99 Hours: Sunday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday & Saturday 6am – 9:30pm w/corned beef, potato, cabbage, carrots, turnip, beets & rolls

Friday & Saturday

Friday, Saturday & Sunday

After 4:00 PM

Fried Haddock* $11.99

Prime Rib Au Jus* Small $13.99 • Large $16.79

Grilled Salmon* $11.49

*with Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

I really enjoy what I do, and take pride in the food put out to our customers.

Joe Bowie of New Gloucester Kitchen Staff 64 Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • www.ColeFarms.com JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

New Homes Sun Rooms Garages Call us for your FREE quote! Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Red Blood Count: Dracula Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

“The Difference is in the Details”

Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.

Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available

Scars: Tattoos with better stories.

Est. 2008

Since June 24 2012

Moose

Dog Grooming Daycare & Boutique

Since Aug. 10 2010

Louis

We have 6,000 sq. ft. of indoor heated comfortable play area. We are the only facility in the state that offers everything for your pup, from daycare to grooming, transportation, dog food and supplies all under one roof!

No payment contracts! If your dog doesn't come to play, you don't pay!! Since June 26 2012

FULL DAYS OF PLAY AS LOW AS $16

PER DAY!

FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT thedoggzinn@gmail.com• www.facebook.com/thedoggzinn

Betty

http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com

Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products • Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers

Since Apr. 3 2012

Loco

Rescu Feb. 13ed 2012 ,

Joey

Since Sept. 12 2009

Cyrus

Oh No! The BIG 3-0!

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers Benign: what you have after eight

Jamie Marston turns 30!

It’s not the age, it’s the attitude I always say...

Jamie Marston gets ready to blow out the candles

My eldest turned 30... Yeah, I’m feeling old.

Jimbo & Sue Marston Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Diagnosis: person with slanted nose

If The World Ended... Typical Media Headlines: USA Today: We're dead

LOOK & FEEL FRESH

FOR

SPRING!

Our fun, professional staff can give you the look you’ve been wanting. Yes, even cute Spring styles like Jessica Alba.

We are a full service salon

Kutters Korner welcomes Angella & Camille to the team!

Angella Brissette

14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

Camille Cloutier

2 for 1

786-4311

either a full color or a partial foil

Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

with Angella or Camille

(2 people for the price of 1)

only $80

If The World Ended... Typical Media Headlines: Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple loses market share

Out ’n About at Auburn Preschool Four year old program at Auburn Preschool

Auburn Preschool ROCKS!

Did You Know? In 1849, Zachary Taylor was scheduled to take the oath of office as President but, because March 4th fell on a Sunday, he would not take the oath. So, for one day the President Pro Tempore, Missouri Senator David Rice Atchinson, had to assume the office. The Monopoly game was invented on March 7, 1933. Parker Brothers had originally rejected the game because of 52 design flaws!

They said ‘get goofy’ for the camera... we nailed it on the first take!

If The World Ended... Typical Media Headlines: The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones plummets as world ends

What does an English barber do for a living? Eclipse. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

If The World Ended... Typical Media Headlines: National Enquirer: Jon and Kate, together again

Oh No! The BIG 3-0! Jamie Marston turns 30!

Kayla Marston the party organizer, catches the action on camera My first ever bite of a Jalapeno Popper. Not as bad as I thought!

TJ Marston

Did You Know? Ed Sullivan's show "Toast of the Town" premiered in 1948. On September 17, 1955, the name was changed to The Ed Sullivan Show. One of the longest-running variety shows in TV history, the show finally ended on June 6, 1971. If The World Ended... Typical Media Headlines: Victoria's Secret catalog: Our final sale

Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Oh No! The BIG 3-0!

If The World Ended... Typical Media Headlines: Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 lbs by judgment day with our new "Armageddon" diet!

Jamie Marston turns 30!

Yep, my little brother is a ham...

Tanner & Courtney Marston 30 seems so old...

If The World Ended... Typical Media Headlines: Sports Illustrated: Game over

Donovan Covert & Deb Marston "We could have bought a small yacht with what we spent on our dog and all the things he destroyed. Then again, how many yachts wait by the door all day for your return?" – John Grogan Friends are like melons. Shall I tell you why? To find a good one, you must a hundred try. – Claude Mermet Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Trenchless Sewer and Drain Rehabilitation Call today to have a Clear Drains of Maine technician perform a site evaluation and provide you with a detailed estimate for rehabilitating your failing sewer or drain line with our

PERMA-LATERAL

TRENCHLESS PIPELINING SYSTEM

NO DIG TRENCHLESS TECHNOLOGY! Visit us online:

ClearDrainsofMaine.com

Seals broken areas in Cast Iron, PVC, Orangeburg, Clay Pipes & More!

521 Federal Road, Livermore • 207.320.2177 If The World Ended... Typical Media Headlines: Rolling Stone: the Grateful Dead Reunion Tour

If The World Ended... Typical Media Headlines: Inc. Magazine: Ten ways you can profit from the Apocalypse

Out ’n About at Auburn Preschool You know what they say about an apple a day...

Looking for me? Welcome to the team Jennifer Jacobs! Accepting new & current clients Jen’s hours: Tue., Thu., Fri. 11am-7pm Wed. 9:30-3:30 • Sat. 9:30-3pm

For all your hair, nail & massage needs

Jennifer Jacobs Hair Stylist & LMT

786-0112

392 Center Street, Auburn

Maila

Uncle Andy Ponders: Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?

Spring has sprung at

Rockin’ around the playground

FITNESS ®

STRENGTH, INTEGRITY & ENDURANCE THRU ZUMBA

754-9411 20 Main Street, Sabattus (2nd floor) www.SPRQstudio.com

Join us for a picnic basket full of all the best choices in

YOUR FIRST CLASS IS ALWAYS FREE!

HEALTH, WELLNESS, & FEEL GOOD NEEDS!

Classes offered in Sabattus, Lisbon Falls, Poland, Minot & Topsham. Fun for the whole family!

NOW OFFERING JUDO AT OUR SABATTUS LOCATION If The World Ended... Typical Media Headlines: Time Magazine: Renew your subscription for eternity

Music Fact Pink Floyd's rock epic Dark Side of the Moon set a record for having spent more time on the Billboard album charts than any other album: 1,093 weeks! "Confidence... thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance. Without them it cannot live." – Franklin D. Roosevelt Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Did You Know? Many children occasionally walk in their sleep. Sleepwalking is ordinarily a phase in the growing-up process. Because parts of the child's brain are immature, dreams can be stimulating enough to cause a youngster to take a nocturnal stroll. About 25 percent of all children have one or more sleepwalking episodes between the ages of 7 and 12, according to sleep researchers. The World of ResidenSea, the first condo cruise ship, launched from Oslo, Norway on March 29, 2002, and was christened in Venice, Italy on May 17, 2002. At its launch, you could buy a condo for as little as $2.2 million and cruise the world in style! At Runnymede, England, King John of England signed the Magna Carta in 1215. This first charter of English liberties was the basis for American democratic thought.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

BATTERIES BATTERIES BATTERIES TIME TO CA$H IN!

We appreciate your business!

Always paying the best prices! Bev, Gizzmo & Peter

Mon - Fri 8am - 5pm

15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

615-7057 Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? We think that's how dogs spend their lives.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1) Women, 2) Fractions.

SPECIAL PRICING FOR ALUMINUM Automobile & Truck Batteries $11 or more Die Cast

Submitted by Jimbo

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old friend?"

Alloy Rims #1 Steel Prepared/better grading/ better payout

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

Starters & Alternators $5 Catalytic Converters Cell Phone Scrap Computer Towers Stainless Electronic Scrap

"That's not bad."

Mother Boards • Cores Brass • Alternators • Starters • Motors • Pumps

Gary McCraw

Computer Board Scraps Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions

The Inheritance

"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear." "Sounds like you should be grateful..."

Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler (prices subject to market changes)

"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million." Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look so glum?" "This week... nothing!"

15 Pierce Street, Auburn

795-8887 Across from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -- then start worrying)

Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Generators Dealer!

We are a licensed

Portable units available

If your power goes out, your generator goes on – automatically.

• Reliability • Easily Accessible Controls • Framed for Durability • Easy to make effortless electric start, battery included

STANDBY UNITS

It’s really that simple.

FULL INSTALLATION AVAILABLE! CALL FOR MORE INFO ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

ElectricalSystemsOfMaine.com

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

HENSON’S AUTO REPAIR Mike & Jay Henson ASE Certified Techs

Lease and Property Management

• Major & Minor Auto Repairs • Domestic & Foreign • State Inspections • Computer Diagnostics

65.00

per hour

labor rate

Lease

84 Adams Ave. Lewiston, Maine

Mon-Fri 8am-5pm

782-5202

Property

Referral

207.784.2011 www.yourleasingoffice.com

Lingerie Home Parties for bridal showers Home Parties & Boutique

320-1165

20 Main St., 3rd Floor, Suite #1 Sabattus • W-Th 6-9 • Sat 9-2 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Uncle Andy Ponders: Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Watchless

Uncle Andy Ponders: Why do pigs have curly tails?

Submitted by Jimbo

One day I noticed my sister wasn't wearing a watch. When I asked her about it, she replied, "I don't need a watch. At home there's a clock in every room, and in the car there's a clock on the dashboard."

CWP courses

$100 per person. 8 hrs -lunch, refreshments included. Need a pistol and 100 rounds of ammo plus eye and ear protection. See you there! Upcoming Classes 8am–4pm:

Joseph Cimino

Sat. April 6th Sat. April 13th Sat. April 20th

481 Maine Street, Poland Spring • 998-2806 Open 7-days a week: Monday - Saturday 11am - 7pm; Sunday 12pm - 6pm

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

(207) 784-6413

You Name It, We Frame It! Our Affordable, Everyday Pricing 8x10 .........................$20 16x20 .......................$30 20x24 .......................$40 24x36 .......................$50

Sports memorabilia, artwork, family photos & so much more!

Expert Custom Framing & Quality Personal Service!

23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333

Last Words Submitted by Jimbo

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

Silver, Gold or Black metal frames only.

Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes.

"That's easy," she replied. "I just buy something and look at the time printed on the sales receipt."

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

Bart Kelsea, President

Custom Picture Framing you’ll treasure forever!

Knowing my sister's an avid shopper, I inquired, "Well, how do you tell time when you're shopping?"

Dan Williams, owner

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

Out ’n About at Minot Consolidated School Celebrating Dr. Suess’ birthday

Uncle Andy Ponders: If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

Assisted Home Care II “Our Family Assisting Your Family.”

Assisted Home Care is Growing Again

Assisting Families since 1997

Assisted Home Care is seeking individuals to work with developmentally disabled adults. If you would like to work in area group homes and you are certified DSP/CRMA, Assisted Home Care would like you to join our team. We are a per diem staff agency that’s family oriented. If you need to adjust your schedule because of the demands on your life, come join our family.

550 College St., Lewiston • 783-7375 • www.assistedhomecare.org Out ’n About at Minot Consolidated School

Brady Martin

Mrs. Lyon's Class’s

Crazy Hair Day Madison Goss & Mrs. Rawson

Now Enrolling!

yrs. Ages 6 wks. - 12

We offer preschool & toddler programs, separate rooms for each age group, and a large outdoor play area! Miss French’s winning door design, designed by Ashley Bisson Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Early Learning Center

301 Sawyer Rd. • Greene

946-KIDS Ask about our multi-child discount and family vacation benefit

Uncle Andy Ponders: Why can't pigs look up into the sky?

Uncle Andy Ponders: Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?

Out ’n About at Minot Consolidated School Celebrating Dr. Suess’ birthday

513-1130

Thomas Suckow & Adam Gwarjanski

Owners of Blush Beauty Boutique at 140 Canal St, Lewiston

We just have a thing for Dr. Suess... No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.

House For Sale By Owner LOCATION

LOCATION

LOCATION Meticulously cared for in a neighborhood of beautiful homes. The location and value of this home and property is exceptional!

MOVE-IN READY!

Highly Desirable Neighborhood 185 Fairway Drive, Auburn, ME 3 min. from Martindale Country Club • 5 min. from I-95 Exit 75

$231,000 By appointment only

Call 782-0280 or 333-8837 • 1.2 Acres • 4 Bedrooms • 2.5 Baths • Garage

• Cathedral Ceilings • Carpet/Hardwood/Tile Floors • Huge Backyard

• Two Tier Deck • Fully Landscaped • Deed is Covenant Protected

Jimbo Ponders: Why is Uncle Andy so interested in pigs?

Christian Vachon & Kilee Bussiere In 1844, Samuel F. B. Morse opened the first commercial telegraph line between Washington DC and Baltimore, Maryland, by sending the following message: "What hath God wrought?" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Software Engineers

Left handed people are more creative and better artists.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Short Answer: Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change...

I’m 89 years old. It was easy painless, and I can see great!

Jack Marsh Minot, Maine

All Relative Rolling Stones band member Bill Wyman married a 19 year-old model Mandy Smith in 1988. At the same time Wyman's son was engaged to Mandy Smith's mother. If his son had married Smith's mother, Wyman would have been the step grandfather to his own wife. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Studies suggest chewing the same flavor of gum while studying and taking a test can help improve your score.

Jim’s Rent It

• Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles

Lowest priced car rental in the area! Car accidents, no problem! We offer insurance-paid car rentals

Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn "Busy Life Syndrome" is a real disorder causing forgetfulness and lack of concentration in people who take in too much information daily.

The school should pay me to skip class. Call it a "tuition refund", if you will.

JOIN THE MOB!

Out ’n About at Minot Consolidated School Silly Hat Day

Mrs. Turgeon & Mrs. Wallace

The organizers of L/A Cash Mob have announced the date and meet up location for the next L/A Cash Mob. The Cash Mob is a family friendly event that is open to the public and those wishing to participate are asked to bring $20 cash to be spent at a mystery locally-owned area business. In the event of rain or snow the event will be postponed until Friday April 19th, same meeting time & location. For More info on L/A Cash Mob search L/A Cash Mob on Facebook, or call either co-organizer for the event: Angie Lafrance 632-0139 or Travis Dow 577-2721.

When: Wednesday, April 17th @ 5:45 PM Where: Meet at Flagship Cinema parking lot The Auburn Plaza at 730 Center Street in Auburn

What:

Bring $20 cash to spend at a surprise locally owned business to be divulged at the meeting spot!

Mrs. Goss And not to mention

Crazy Sock Day

LIKE L/A Cash Mob on Facebook or Contact Angie Lafrance at 632-0139 or Travis Dow at 577-2721

Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Disaster Area

Bugs Bunny was originally named "Happy Rabbit".

Submitted by Jimbo

"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

Women’s Self Defense Saturdays or Sundays

Come learn the Okinawan system of Isshin-Ryu Karate. Come in or call

420-0139 or 627-7491

Kids Beginner: 5-7 yrs. Mon. & Wed. 4:30-5:30pm Kids Beginner: All ages. Tue. & Thurs. 4:30-5:30pm Kids Beginner: 8-12 yrs. Mon. & Wed. 5:30-6:30pm Intermediate & Advanced Adults: Tues. & Thurs. 5:30-6:30pm Beginner Adult: Mon. & Wed. 6:30-7:30pm Advanced Adult: Tues. & Thurs. 6:30-7:30pm

1002 Minot Ave. • Auburn

Out ’n About

He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

Who would ever name their kid Mayhem, anyway?

Call us to get protected from Mayhem.

Jennifer Savard-Johnson & Tammy Bernier of Allstate, The Patti Gagne Agency

You'll Laugh With lots of humor, Imus is joined by Warner, Bernie, Lou and Dagen. Add comedians Tony Powell & Rob Bartlett, starting your day is more fun.

L-A’s From a nearby pile of

$10 per class

WEZR RADIO

1240

You'll Learn Imus asks tough questions of celebrities, politicians and media stars and they still come back for more. Combine that with our award winning local news and your mornings are complete.

Listen to AM 1240 weekdays 6 to 10 AM

(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

A person's longest dream occurs in the morning, just closer to when you wake up. This is usually the only one you can remember.

Tips with English Grammar: Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market! Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping! Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More! VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each $

3.50 each for most Hardcover Books

Selective Hard Covers $2

20% OFF all Audio Books (books on tape & CD) Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books & Cookbooks

Large Selection of Fenton

(continued from previous page)

unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard. "It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."

Bathroom Design FAILURE Submitted by Glen Gisel

Glassware!

INVENTORY REDUCTION SALE!

20% - 75% OFF

Pre-Read Books arriving daily

Featuring

131Vendors Open 7 Days a Week

9 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards

s Alway g n i Buy

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area! Buffet: a French word that means "get up and get it yourself."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Thoughts on turning 50... Bring it on!

Uncle Andy Ponders: Would a small pig be called a hamlet?

• New Homes • Additions • Siding • Windows & Doors • Kitchens • Flooring • Handicap Bathrooms & Ramps • Seamless Gutters • Blown-in Insulation

Patti Gagne rings in 50 with style

Had a hankerin’ for some watermelon

We will work with you to provide a unique and personalized solution to your remodeling needs.

933-4874 • Leeds, ME vghomeimprovements.com Uncle Andy Ponders: How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Gum Chewing In 2002, researchers at the Cognitive Research Unit and the University of Northumbria in England reported that chewing gum has a positive effect on cognitive tasks such as thinking and memory. It lasts for 20 minutes so start chewing your gum! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Uncle Andy Ponders: Was learning cursive really necessary?

I was wondering where my boomerang had landed - and then it came to me.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Thomas Hill

A Pessimist is what an Optimist calls a Realist.

Awwww... This will be one of our first scrapbooking pages in Andre’s baby book!

Kim Dube with her newborn son, Andre Mitchell (Dad is Randy Mitchell)

Goes Social

Uncle Andy’s Digest is proud to announce the addition of Thomas Hill to their team. Thomas brings a welcomed skill set to the team in the area of Search Engine Optimization for the company’s website and will be also be responsible for the new social media marketing programs the company now offers. Hill brings 14 years experience in web development, design, and promotion. Along with a 22 year background in digital imaging, photo restoration and graphic design. It is our combined goal with Thomas to promote our advertisers, not only through affordable and effective print advertising, but also through the vastly growing landscape of social media. Started in 1996, Uncle Andy's Digest has made various changes over the years, including ownership of the company. Jimbo Marston bought the publication in 2002. Staying true to its roots, Uncle Andy's Digest is the Most Unusual Digest in America making people all over Central Maine and beyond chuckle with their unique magazine. "The ever changing economy certainly affects us, we try to stay ahead of the curve whenever possible," said owner Jimbo Marston. "Creating new revenue streams is vital in this marketplace. We're always looking at ways to compliment our very popular magazine," he added. With offices located at 9 Grove Street in Auburn Uncle Andy's Digest houses all eight employees, including a sales staff of four. For more information about Uncle Andy's Digest, visit their website: www.UncleAndys.com or call 207.783.7039. Ask about our Facebook fan page promotion, to grow your fan base and create maximum exposure for your business. Results thus far have been very impressive in both advertising exposure and social media presence for our participating advertisers. Let us help you promote your business to get 30,000 impressions in print per month, and our ever growing Facebook fanbase, currently at 12,600+ fans.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Real License Plates: ML8ML8 - I'm late, I'm late {for a very important date}, On a white Volkswagen Rabbit.

14th Annual Scholarship Fund Golf Tournament at Turner Highlands Golf Course

Saturday, May 18, 2013 (rain or shine) 8:30AM Shotgun Start (please arrive at 8AM)

n Auctio g n i featur s t le i em valuab a e r a d by donate . sses busine

Prizes:

Everyone is Welcome! Space is limited to 144 players. Make your own 4 person team, or sign up individually or as a pair, and we’ll match you up with other players.

Members $45 - Non-members $55 includes a meal and cart

First Gross: $120 Second Gross: $80 Closest to pin Par 3s: $25 Second closest to pin Par 3s: $15 Closest to pin Par 4s and 5s: $40

Registration Form, Team Rosters and fee deadline is May 11, 2013. Checks payable to: Turner Highlands Association Scholarship Fund • Deliver to: Turner Highlands Pro Shop or Mail to: Scholarship Tournament, PO Box 211, Turner, Maine 04282 • Questions? Please call 754-0181, 225-3177 or 754-0343

There have been two members of the United States senate that have been assassinated. Huey Long of Louisiana in 1935, and Robert Kennedy of New York in 1968. Both men were 42 years old.

Punctual people have nothing better to do.

thru Ayurvedic Wellness

Submitted by Richard Collins

Ayurvedic Wellness Care can help you with:

Did You Know? In sixteenth- and seventeenth-century Peking, one took revenge against one's enemies by placing finely chopped tiger whiskers in their food. The whisker barbs would get caught in the victim's digestive tract and cause sores and infections. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

affle 50/50 r and 1,000 Over $ r of doo worth prizes.

Pain Management • Bonesetting • Stress Anxiety • Increased Energy & More!

Call Us Today! Christopher Harris, 54 High Street, South Paris To schedule an appointment contact Jen at:

653-8996 Real License Plates: PIN DCTR - On acupuncturist's car.

Chris, shown here, works with one of his many clients, Hillary Nurmi

If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.

Book your Bridal Party with us and Receive a $50 Gift Card for your special day!

Out ’n About at Minot Consolidated School Pre K’s crazy hair day

We add tranquility to your special day by providing you with exceptional services, a spacious and elegant bridal suite, two dressing rooms for your comfort, and light refreshments.

• Hair Up-Do’s & Design • Make-up Application • Skin Care Treatments • Electrology • Manicures & Pedicures • Body Scrubs • Relaxing Massages • Body Waxing Contact our Event Coordinator to schedule a consultation and tour of our spa.

www.cassiels.com 71 EAST AVENUE • LEWISTON, MAINE

(207) 783-3321 Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Hymen: greeting to several males

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.

YOUR PHOTOS.

GET THEM. FEATURED

HERE! h pix wit ! s e nam

editor@ UncleAndys.com or private message them on our facebook page.

facebook.com/ UncleAndysDigest Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Out ’n About at Auburn Preschool The Auburn Fire Department makes an impression The children who attend Auburn Preschool had a great time getting a tour of the Auburn fire truck and hearing about what firemen do.

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Dislocation: in this place

Bathroom Design FAILURE

When you think of sunburn do you think of your eyes?

Submitted by Glen Gisel

Prescription Sunglasses Starting at

Complete Frame & Lens With this ad • Expires 4.30.13

Now accepting most major insurances

See associate for details, restrictions may apply

120 Center Street Plaza, Auburn Mon - Fri 9:30 AM - 6:00 PM Sat 10 AM - 3:00 PM

Vision at a Value Search VIPEyes Auburn

783-4226

Everything is always okay in the end. If it's not, it's not the end.

ALL SMILES Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry teamed up with Uncle Andy’s Digest and ran a photo contest on our Facebook page. Where fans could upload a picture of their best smile and then get their friends vote for them. Kelly, shown here with Dr. Chen, is showing the gift card for $50 to Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall. Congrats, Kelly & Colby!

Dr. Chen of Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry & “Best Smile” photo contest winner, Kelly Berube.

rube ur & Kelly Be tes Colby Dufo d 149 vo ive ce re oto Their ph st! in our conte

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Duodenum: couple in jeans

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

THINK

USE OUR

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Enema: not a friend

Are you ready for Prom? RECEIVE A FREE PRODUCT

We want to help you prep for the big night.

All About You

784-5407

41 Broad St. • Auburn, ME

Facebook.com/allaboutyoupmfocussalon

ADVERTISERS

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: False Labor: pretending to work (Uncle Andy’s life story)

FIRST Tell ‘em Uncle Andy’s sent ya! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Objectively, I don't beg to differ ... I insist on it.

An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs.

We donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have all day...

Grumpy Pants Submitted by Jimbo

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl and it's empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge!?" he roars. Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "How many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the damn porridge yet!"

Did You Know? Bill Bowerman, the cofounder of the shoe company Nike, got his first shoe idea after staring at a waffle iron. This gave him the idea of using squared spikes to make the shoes lighter. A word of advice...don't give it.

Uncle Andyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Jacobs Joins Hair by Gregory’s

The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.

WEBSTER’S TRADING CO. BUY • SELL • TRADE • PAWN 150 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-6402

Jennifer Jacobs of Lewiston has recently joined Hair By Gregory's, located at 392 Center Street in Auburn. Jacobs, formerly of Stylz Salon in Lewiston, brings 16 years of experience in hair care as well as over 10 years experience as a Licensed Massage Therapist. She is also very experienced with manicures, pedicures and acrylic nail services. “I'm very excited about this new chapter in my career! I look forward to seeing all of my old clients and welcome new clients,” Jacobs told Uncle Andy's Digest. If you're looking to contact Jen she can be reached at Hair By Gregory's by calling 786-0112 or stopping in the salon during her working hours: Tuesday, Thursday, Friday 11a-7p, Wednesday 9:30a-3:30p, Saturday 9:30a-3p. See their ad on page 71.

The first criminal case in the U.S. in which fingerprint evidence was admitted into court occurred in New York City in 1911. Burglary suspect Caesar Cella was convicted by prints identified by Detective Sergeant Joseph Faurot. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Need a loan?

We’ll buy, trade, pawn your gun collection!

HUGE SELECTION OF GUNS

We Rent Budget Trucks! Get a quote from another company, bring it to us

& WE’LL BEAT IT!

WE’RE ALWAYS BUYING AND SELLING! Gold, silver, firearms, estates or anything you might think has value!

Stop in – Let’s talk!! www.websterstradingcompany.com The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

"A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided." – Tony Robbins

Ice Fishing for Dummies Uncle Andy: Boy, this ice fishing is a drag! I'm freezing, we haven't caught a thing all day, and those guys over there are hauling in one fish after another. Travis: Oh, sure, it's not hard to catch fish if you cheat! Look, they cut a hole in the ice! "People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first person to have thought of adding fresh lime juice to scalloped potatoes, try to understand that there must be a reason for this."

Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Gallbladder: bladder in a girl

Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen is now accepting new patients at his new location.

730 Center Street Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

783-1351

Mon.-Fri. 7-5pm

We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

– Fran Lebowitz "What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin." – Mark Twain I learned something important about burning leaves - wait until they fall off the trees. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Hernia: she is close by

I feel like I'm breaking the rules when I pull up to the "Pick Up" window while sitting behind the wheel of a sedan.

NEW! NEW! NEW! Lewiston Business Maps & Auburn Business Maps are coming soon. Be sure your business is listed! Business listings are only $

15,000 maps to be printed and distributed throughout each city. email: sales@kolormarketing.com FMI Division of FinePrint Printing & Graphics • KolorMarketing.com • 353-8600

People who are easily embarrassed are more trustworthy and generous!

How Bizarre!

You get me some press in that unusual Digest and I’ll see what I can do about doing a show at your cafe! I’ve got to try that Moxie Jelly of yours.

Andrew Zimmerman Chef & TV personality of Bizarre Foods America

& Shannon Bissonette of Better Than Average Cafe in Mechanic Falls

Bizarre Foods America is back with another helping of stateside adventures as chef, writer, and culinary explorer Andrew Zimmerman continues his quest to taste the weird and wonderful foods that can be found right here in the US. So whether it's baked muskrat in Baltimore, deep fried piglet testicles on a hog farm in Iowa, or fermented fish eggs with Native Americans on an island in Alaska, Andrew is ready to tempt and test his palate without ever leaving his homeland!

87% of men mistake a woman's friendly behavior with flirting.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Websites... Yep, We Do That! Mobile friendly websites you can afford

GET YOUR BUSINESS THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES! Call us today for your affordable, mobile friendly website that will get you the online presence you need to have in todays business climate.

Our sites include: One domain name (that YOU own) • FOUR pages FIVE email addresses • Mobile friendly, Responsive design • Easily updateable w/full access • Search Engine Friendly • Managed Web Hosting (No worries about getting hacked or your software going out of date. All sites backed up regularly with latest security patches and software upgrades).

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

UADwebsites.com 783-7039 • editor@UncleAndys.com

Call TOD AY to get started!

Cuddling before going to bed is 12 times more effective than sleeping pills!

EYE OF THE WOLF Staff of Wolf Eye Associates

Did You Know? The first total solar eclipse of the new millennium occurred in southern Africa on June 21, 2001. The day was declared a national holiday in Zambia. A solar eclipse occurs when the moon crosses the path between the sun and the earth. Getting married is easy. Staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime should rank among the fine arts.

Front: Deanna, Cyndi, Ann, Suzette & Marcy. Back: Dan, Stacey, Dr. Wolf, Bobbi & Laci Laughter increases your memory and learning ability. (Uncle Andy’s Digest has created several borderline geniuses over the years)

– Roberta Flack

Bathroom Design FAILURE Submitted by Glen Gisel

Out ’n About with Miami Mike Ok Uncle Andy’s Digesters, I would like to begin this Miami Mike article by asking for all of your forgiveness and understanding. I would also like to extend my deepest apologies. I am certain I do not need to ask if you read Miami Mike article in the March edition of Uncle Andy’s Digest because I know you did. In last month’s Miami Mike I welcomed you all to spring and encouraged you to put away your shovels and prepare for a glorious spring. Now I know about the time you adhered to my stellar advice you got walloped by a late March whale of a storm and likely ended up digging your way out to the old Subaru with a rake. Though my intentions were genuine and my advice seldom travels astray I will be the first to admit I was way off. I was as off as the replacement referees in last year’s Seahawks vs. Packers game. Enough about the past and my infi-

nite flaws, we are in April and you are absolutely correct my birthday is this month! And a little birdie told me I may get a bottle of wine from Benoit’s Bakery and Wine Cellar in Lisbon. I heard owner/operator Nick Benoit may have even hand selected the goods himself. I can’t really confirm that one, or that the bottle will even make it down to me in South Florida, since there is a much greater likelihood the delicious wine will be consumed by my family and they will end up giving me a half used gift card to a bookstore instead. They may even go out to Mac’s Grill to get a nice sirloin with Aztec Rub to celebrate and neglect to realize I am not present. Now I know my guidance last month was as helpful as a flat spare tire but I am going to go ahead and suggest all of you treat yourself to some goodies from Benoit’s Bakery and Wine Cellar and gobble up a succulent steak from Mac’s Grill in honor

of the Digest’s monthly contributor, Miami Mike’s birthday. On that note digesters a special “HELLO” to my buddy Adam West “BATMAN” who has been rumored to read my shenanigans from month to month. Still got game? I know I do! And as always email me anytime at uncleandysdigestmiamimike@aol.com, follow me on twitter at UADMiamiMike! Until next month remember a duck that does not quack is a quiet duck.

3 things the human brain cannot resist noticing: food, attractive people and danger.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Out ’n About at Harvey Metals in Lisbon Falls

Bring us your Cats*

Real License Plates: WUF WUF - On a Brown Rover

FROM STONE DUST TO ROC

Our Gravel Pit is located at 168 Midd mile from the Maine Turnpike. We hav gates. Pick up and delivery are availab

Locally owned and operated since 1970! Our delivery area. Visit our website for pricing on all of our products.

Winston *Catalytic Converters Copper wire? Yeah we do that, too!

I could have gone pro with my symbols talent... now I prefer to bang on the brake drums all day!

784-7944 www.stlaurentandson.com

Dale Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

Real License Plates: 2QT4U - 2 Cute for you

Real License Plates: TUSKY - To ski

CK, WE HAVE IT IN STOCK!

Out ’n About with the 2012 Paul Mitchell Prom Contest Winners Work done by All About You Salon

dle Road (Rt. 9) in Sabattus. The gravel pit is conveniently located less than a half ve a large scale crushing/processing operation and offer a wide variety of aggreble. Call our office for pricing or order online at www.stlaurentandson.com.

Kim Belanger & Ashley Belanger

Makenzie Roy

Jaclyn Masters Real License Plates: TIHS O - This one that works in the rear view mirror.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Graduation Day

After you eat too much your hearing is less sharp.

Submitted by Jimbo

It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Josh. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Josh graduate, let Josh graduate!" The principal agrees to give Josh one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Josh, how many apples do I have?" he asked. Josh thought long and hard and then said: "Ten." And the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Josh another chance. Give Josh another chance!" "The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best." – Epictetus "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." – Maria Robinson "How strange that Nature does not knock, and yet does not intrude!" – Emily Dickinson Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

April 2013

783-7039

One chocolate chip can give you enough energy to walk 150 feet.

Tips with English Grammar: Its important to use apostrophe's right.

Out ’n About at Harvey Metals in Lisbon Falls Bring us your metal, batteries, alloy wheels, etc and leave with a nice check from me!

Partnering with Professionals

Make an appointment with our showroom consultants to get easy access to a “World of Choices,” ideas and advantages.

Harvey Metals 41 Capital Ave, Lisbon Falls

Glenda Mitchell: 514-1136 gmitchell@redlon-johnson.com

To the order of:

Travis Dow ....................$

1,000,.00

Tim Fox: 514-1137

For: Being a great guy ............

tfox@redlon-johnson.com

.....Harvey Metals

Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail

3 Middle Street, Lewiston showroom.redlon-johnson.com

Showroom Hours: Mon., Tues., Wed., Fri. 8AM - 4:30PM Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED

Nissa Spaulding I’m glad I came to Harvey Metals!

Before sleeping, 91% of your mind begins to imagine stuff you'd like to happen.

Try our new whitening system!

Family Friendly Dentistry

Willow Run Dental Association

Dean Conway

is accepting new patients Come meet our friendly Dentists & Staff

Scott Beckerman, DMD Geraldine Schneider, DMD Jeffrey Sloan, DDS • Family cosmetic dentistry • Emergency same-day care • Most insurance plans accepted

783-0261 One Willow Run Unit 1-B, Auburn

willowrundental.com

For superior grading & top dollar paid, come see us!

Max Harvey Owner

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

April 2013

U NCLE A NDYS . COM

Out ’n About at the 2013 Paul Mitchell Icons Hair Show Wow! This month’s Digest is plum full of great stuff. From humor to lots of photos of local people to great deals throughout. Something for everyone!!

Real License Plates: SEWBIZ - On the car owned by a sewing machine dealership.

The Customer is

ip nance Partnersh Proud of our Fi ns io Un it ed with local Cr

Newest employee COLIN DUBE

867 Center St. Auburn

753-0033 HONDAS

APRIL SPOTLIGHT

2007 Accord EX Coupe ONLY $8,990 2007 CRV LX ONLY $12,490

2006 Volvo XC 90 V8, 3rd Row, Parking Sensors, Sunroof & More

only

Dee Chapman & Ashalie Wark

$12,990 SAABS ON SALE

2006 Honda Pilot EX 4WD ONLY $12,990

JEEPS

from All About You Salon

2009 Patriot Sport ONLY $13,990

Cold Remedies Submitted by Jimbo

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft. "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."

2006 Civic EX Coupe ONLY $8,990

(3) 2007 9-3’s From Just $8,990 2006 9-3 Aero Wagon Only $8,490

DEALS! VW’S!!

JETTAS & PASSATS

2008 Commander Sport ONLY $13,990 (2) 2007 Grand Cherokees FROM $12,490 (2) 2007 Grand Cherokees FROM $12,490 2005 Liberty Limited ONLY $8,990 2009 Liberty Sport ONLY $13,990

SUBARUS 09 Impreza 2.5i $10990

08 Impreza 2.5i Hatchback $10990 06 B9 Tribeca Just $11490 (2) 07 Outback 2.5i wagons From $7,690 From $10990 Actual vehicle colors may vary

753-0033

LakeCityExports.com 867 Center St. Auburn Uncle Andy’s Actual Test Answers: Liposuction: a French Kiss