UAD April 2015

U NCLE A NDY ’ S D IGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America

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Missing The Boat

On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new knitting. The woman across from me could have finished a scarf by now.

Submitted by Jimbo

A good ol' Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says...

"What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees his sister-in-law and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin.' What does it look like I'm doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip you!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2015

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I don’t brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

I’m going to retire and live off my life savings. What I’ll do the second week, I have no idea.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

April 2015 Friday, April 3rd The Green Ladle 11am Lunch (Chapter 14346) 56 East Ave, Lewiston H.S. $8 Member; $9 Guest Tickets Limited Tuesday, April 7th Sam’s Noon – 7pm (Chapter 12749) Market Place Mall, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest Sunday, April 12th KC Breakfast 8am – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $5 Member; $6 Guest; Child / 10 free Saturday, April 18th KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper 4:30 – 5:30pm (Chapter 14437) 8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn $5 Member; $6 Guest Saturday, April 18th Kora Shrine Circus Androscoggin Colisee, Birch St, Lewiston $8 Adults; $2.50 Child/12 Tuesday, April 21st Roy’s Breakfast 7am - 10am (Chapter 8609) Washington St, Auburn $2 Member; $3 Guest Tuesday, April 28th Pizza Hut 11:30am - 1pm (Chapter 10929) Rt. 26, Oxford $5 Member; $5.50 Guest TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed. ************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com

3

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, Maine, USA. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the Free World. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a check made out to UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST to: PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

I'm not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.

AFFORDABLE DENTURES Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

UncleAndysDigest.com Office: 207-783-7039 Fax: 207-777-3898

Also see us for:

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• Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Partial Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs • All work done in house,

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including metal frameworks

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

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BATGIRL TRACY

While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2015

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I’ve been searching for my stolen bed... I won’t rest until I find it.

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

Heaven Bound

I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?

Submitted by Thomas Hill

The Sunday School lesson for the first graders was on the plan of salvation. The teacher asked, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

"No!" all the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "No!" "Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

One boy confidently answered, "You've gotta be dead!"

Out ’n About in Mexico

Willow Run Dental 1 Willow Run, Unit B, Auburn • 783-0261

Patient Appreciation Week

May 11th - 15th Stop By & Let Us Celebrate YOU! Accepting New Patients Come join the Willow Run Family! willowrundental.net

Cheers to our Maine friends and family. May you be unthawed soon!

Dave Webber & June Cyr of Greene on a Western Caribbean cruise Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2015

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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon... I’ll let you know.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs.

Out ’n About in Mexico

Audrey Martin Independent Hair Stylist

240-2591 Schedule your appointment before noon and receive 15% OFF any service!

Wonder Woman’s bar stool... buns of steel

We’ll be scuba diving next... these flippers seem a little big!

746 Main Street, Suite 2, Lewiston • escadahairstudio.com

Out ’n About in Mexico

His balloon hat helps him focus on the things at hand...

ENJOY A MEAL WITH US We think you’ll find it’s Egg-ceptional!

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✃

Expires 4.30.15

Pretty sure I look forward to my boss’ vacation’s more than he does.

June Cyr Q: How do you make a hot dog stand?

A: Steal its chair

with June Cyr & Dave Webber

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com

7

Lady Thoughts

I've invented a more efficient whisk... It's causing quite a stir.

Submitted by Jimbo

A woman is sitting at a restaurant bar enjoying a beverage with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome man enters.

He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him.

The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her.

Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20. But only on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address.

She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Clean my house."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2015

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I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

Laughter is a smile with the volume turned up.

Spring and Summer dates are filling up fast – Book NOW!

Out ’n About at the YPLAA Wii Bowling Tourney

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Francis Gagnon of Photo Finish has his game face on!

I keep my personalized bowling ball on my shoulder in case the pins needed a little encouragement.

School Vacation Week April 18th - April 26th

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12

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There’s NO PLACE like...

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The road to a friends house is never long.

Kevin, Jameson & Jill Cunningham Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com

9

Out ’n About at the YPLAA Wii Bowling Tourney

Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200.

10% OFF NEW CLIE NTS

I can see a strike in mind’s eye...

137 East Ave. Lewiston

Matt Shaw dreaming of a perfect game

n catio ) a V l o 5 Scho April 20-2 ( F Week

Chiara Ferrante

OF/ fluoride w 20a% nings ren

knocks ‘em down

cle hild teeth for all c ns! e & te

Massage Therapy Therapeutic Bodywork for the Body, Mind & Spirit

Donna Galipeau Jason well versed in multi-tasking Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

10

April 2015

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Freedom of Movement Begins with Massage

Lisa-Marie Sasseville, IPDH

Christine H. Bosse, LMT, NCTMB

Clinical Certified Master Aromatherapist

sasseveillehealthysmile.com

212-2598

justbreathearomatherapie@live.com

lisa-marie@sassevillehealthysmile.com

cbosse72@yahoo.com

241-0667

I tend to sleep in the buff. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.

Because Business Should Lead To Abundance

Own your own business?

Want to make it better?

Call us.

NEXTLevelBusinessCoaching.biz 207-754-2003 Because Business Should Lead To Abundance

Economic Travel

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Irishman. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.

They all board the train. The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please."

Whiteboards are remarkable.

ALL ABOUT

41 Broad Street, Auburn

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2015

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784-5407

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Failure is the path of least persistence.

(continued from previous page)

If the shoe fits, get another one for the opposite foot.

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trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Irishman. Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.

When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

St. Patrick’s Day Photo Contest Entrants

Tim Rucker Marketing Consultant @ Uncle Andy’s Digest

We Finance!

Tax Time Savings!

Bring Your Tax Return & Select the Vehicle of Your Choice!

733 Sabattus St. Lewiston 777-7200 • 866-264-7685 • ThriftyCarMart.com

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Baby’s first St. Patty’s Day Submitted by Heidi Wieland (10 votes)

“I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.”

– Mitch Hedberg Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 13

Out ’n About at Mixers

With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

375-4188 Amy & Don Therrien I was getting my picture taken... and that’s how it started!

Friday Nights Live Music April 3rd - Bad Penny April 10th - Blue Steel April 17th - Northern Groove April 24th - The Inflatables

Audrey Martin

Cathy Farr & Marie Beaucage Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2015

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Sunday Nights

All Your Favorites Songs from the 60’s, 70’s & 80’s

For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

Out ’n About at Mixers

I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

L

K

Veggies are an important part of our diet. Burning calories while dancing at Mixers... even better!

Don’t spend $18+ at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for $

12

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

Danielle, Katie & Kayla

Join us and enjoy 25% OFF Your season’s worth of pool chemicals! MAY 2nd ONLY. 2010 Lisbon Rd. Lewiston • 782-1514 • premierpoolsandspas.com

Dave Perlman Bass for the Veggies

Rol lod ro me ING SCHEDULE

SPR

7:30-10pm ts - Ages 20+ Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 - All Skating 7: Friday Nights 4pm nday - 1:30 Saturday & Su t 7:30 - 10pm gh Ni ts - Family Saturday Nigh 30 - 10pm - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night

Available for private parties

Since 1954

Sunday

80’ s Nig April 19 th ht 7 :30 School V -10pm Wed. Ap acation ril 22 nd 1 :30-4pm

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Don Hebert Lead singer of the Veggies Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 15

St. Patrick’s Day Photo Contest Entrants

Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

The grass looks greener over there

Happy St Patrick's Day!!

Submitted by Danielle Moreau (5 votes)

Happy St. Patty’s Day from the Girls at For The Love of Hair Submitted by Nicole Morris

You’re sending me something via fax?

What is it, an important document from 1993?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2015

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It is okay to visit your past just don't bring any luggage with you.

That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.

Restaurant • Miniature Golf • Driving Range • Ice Cream Stand

Celebrating

Years

Out ’n About at Mixers Lori, stick out your tongue if you love Mixers!

Opening for the season April 16th! *Driving Range & Miniature Golf weather permitting

470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn

www.tabersgolf.com Lori Turcotte & friend

Welcoming our friend called

Lori Turcotte & Ray Tardiff Sage Advice Submitted by Thomas Hill

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; “What is the quickest way to the lake?

Damn, I’m good lookin’!

The local thought for awhile. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist.

“I’m driving.”

“That is the quickest way!” the local said.

Don't make me use UPPERCASE.

Paul Leclair Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 17

Out ’n About at Mixers

Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.

Hidden Word Brain Teaser Don’t bury your head in the sand, try this tricky word brain teaser! Spell a hidden word by choosing the right letter for each clue. The hidden word is related to one of the clues.

Just gettin’ me Irish on!

1. The first letter is in ECHO but not NOISE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .____ 2. The second letter is in ACTOR but not SCRIPT . . . . . . . . . .____ 3. The third letter is in BIRD and in BRAIN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .____

Call me Lucky

4. The fourth letter is in CORN but not COB . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .____ 5. The fifth letter is in NICE and in KIND . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .____ 6. The sixth letter is in EVENING but not MORNING . . . . . . . .____ 7. The seventh letter is in TRAPEZE but not TIGHTROPE . . . .____ 8. The eighth letter is in LAKE but not STREAM . . . . . . . . . . . .____

Answer is on page 46. But at least give it a shot first!

Used by permission www.spelling-words-well.com

You want a ride in my Limo?

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a life time.

Keith Tilton

PROTECTING What You Love.

What You Do. ish..

What You Cher

Laurie Turcotte & Colleen Landry

232 Center St., Auburn

flexing some muscle

786-0417 VarneyAgency.com

Q: What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

commercial

A: Wet feet Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2015

Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm

783-7039

home

auto

recreational

umbrella

life health

My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.

I found a can of meat in the back of the cabinet, and as soon as I opened it, 20 more cans appeared.

I think it was spam.

Easter Special Mini Easter Pastry Platters

$

.99

9 3 All Month!

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11.25 for both

784-7042

161 Lincoln St. • Lewiston

Friday’s Pastry Special All Pastries 99¢ www.labadiesbakery.com

Man can not live by bread alone... He must have peanut butter.

GRAND CHAMPIONS! The Lewiston Middle School Cheering team went undefeated this year, they were the 1st Place champs and Grand Champs!

Members of the team, Front row (l to r): Marissa L, Sydney H, Madajha W, Megan G, Bryanna B, Maddie M, Shelby R, Julie G & Sabrina L. Back row: Grace P, Brianna M, Katelyn I, Logan M, Nick R, Abigail L, Lindsey R, Kyra P, Jillian P, Haileigh F, Grace P, Kaylyn R & Kali M.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ pǝsn ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐ‫ ן‬ǝɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʇ ‫ןן‬ǝʍ

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 19

Mend-A-Body

Captains log, Star-date 3.14159265359. I seem to have a strange urge for Pie today...

Call NOW for Reservations Mother’s Day Sunday, May 10th

t grea e r o f bl us Join reasona e! at tim food , all the s price

Debra Ann Sellinger Mend-A-Body Solutions is celebrating the grand opening of their new Wellness Center, located at 1166 Lisbon Street in Lewiston.

Local owner, Debra Ann St Hilaire Sellinger launched some new features in this "first of a kind" for Mend-A-Body.

Moving from their past of nationally branded internet based weight loss and health products and services, their new facility features a full scale health food store, fitness solutions and diagnostic testing that allows participants to target best weight loss and fitness results.

Mend-A-Body was founded and developed over six yrs ago by Debra Ann who is from Lewiston. Over 5,000 individuals have partaken in their unique and effective approach to health and weight loss lifestyle education and conversion.

You can reach MendA-Body at 207-777-3223 or visit their website mendabody.net. See their ad on page 23.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2015

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Village Inn, 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

June, do you get the feeling we’re about to get squashed like a bug?

Dave Webber & June Cyr of Greene at Senior Frog in Mexico

Dave, I can’t be bothered right now...

I’m reading!

Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?

Had a good workout at the gym today. 50 reps on the bench press.

I’m working my way up to putting weights on the bar.

Out ’n About at Mixers

ist Styl ted n Wah Rentals Boot

How Old You Are is Your Business...

How You Look

Young is Our Business!

Michelle Higgins, Lynn Norris & Peg Montoya Stylist

Owner/Stylist

Stylist

Tues – Thurs 9am - 7pm; Fri 9am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 12pm

232 Center St, Auburn (next to Play It Again Sports)

753-9368

Out ’n About at Mixers

Tommy Maynard

Anita Maurice, Marlene Whitten, Lorraine Tremblay, Jeanne Ski, Joe Ski, Robert Tremblay, Brain Whitten & Raymond Maurice

I’ve got so much rhythm I’m giving it away!

Let US LIGHT UP YOUR WORLD ing Offer hts w o N lig Head LED ht Bars! & Lig

777-3339 216 Center Street, Auburn • soundeffectsmaine.com I bought a suit made from a cactus, I looked pretty sharp in it, too.

Anna Marinelli Hunnewell Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 21

Workaholic

It's, "Jamaican hairstyle day", at work tomorrow... I'm dreading it.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Nine Signs You Need a Really Long Vacation • You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

• You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

• You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

• You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

• You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

• You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

• You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

• You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

• You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2015

783-7039

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POOL BUILDERS OF MAINE Quality Workmanship, Outstanding Service

27 Year s Experie nce

1525 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-7222 • poolbuildersofmaine.com You only have one childhood, it may as well last your entire life.

I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list… I got the bucket.

St. Patrick’s Day Photo Contest Entrants

Jim aka "Lucky the Leprechaun" displays some of

www.mendabody.net

the auction items from The Dream Team's St. Patrick's Day Dance, which raised money for the Hospice House 5K & Remembrance Walk - a benefit to help subsidize patient care & family support services for those in need at Androscoggin Home Care & Hospice's Hospice House. Submitted by Danielle Eaton (4 votes)

Mommy’s little lucky charm!

Submitted by Jocelyn French (4 votes)

Laughter:

Average Loss Month One = 17.5lbs I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it’s the duct tape of food.

An Antioxidant for the Mind, Vitamin for the Soul, Mineral for the Body and collectively it gives Vitality to Mind, Body and Soul! Keeps you young, healthy, positive and HAPPY! (You’re welcome! – Editor @ Uncle Andy’s Digest) Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 23

Out ’n About at the YPLAA Wii Bowling Tourney

My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.

That seemed a bit far-fetched.

Prom Season Headquarters You

We’ll Dress Him!

Pick Him...

Kendra Wheeler

The Best Tuxedo Rental Shop in L/A!

perfect Wii form

S&J Tuxedo located INSIDE Sarah Jeanne’s at 77 Sabattus Street in Lewiston.

Book your updo & get a 60 minute Tanning Package!

It’s all in the wrist.

• Updos • Hair Services • Hair Extensions • Manicures • Shellac Polish

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Sarah Jeanne’s Family Hair Care, Day Spa & Tanning

Suit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • SarahJeannes.com

795-6778 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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April 2015

783-7039

“He, who doesn't hope to win has already lost.” – Simon Bolivar

Almost lost two teeth at dinner tonight... I made a Lego lamb.

Out ’n About at the YPLAA Wii Bowling Tourney

Just call me Lefty Kingpin. www.srcu4u.com

Don't ever slam a door. You may want to go back.

! be a regular l ’l u o y , e c n Try us o Daily Specials: Monday: Ham Italian ...................sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59 Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ............................$3.99 Wednesday: Chicken Salad ..........................sm. $1.99 ........................................................................lg. $3.49 Thursday: Bowl of Chili......................................$3.99 BLT.............................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Friday: Tuna Italian ......................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Saturday: Baked Beans ................qt. $3.59 pt. $2.59 Sunday: .................................$2.00 off any large pizza

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET

Looking for a turkey?*

2 Main Street, Sabattus

375-8502

Fans stock up here!

2 LARGE

Tim Rucker of Uncle Andy’s Digest

1-TOPPING PIZZAS ONLY $

15.99 Expires 4.30.15

OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm

“When the well's dry, we know the worth of water.” – Ben Franklin

*Tim thought Jimbo was calling him a turkey. After Jimbo explained what a “turkey” was in bowling Tim forgot all about beating Jimbo up.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 25

Dummy

The first restaurant on the moon didn't do very well. It had great food but no atmosphere!

Submitted by Thomas Hill

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

Local Personalities

For the first time, LewistonAuburn has its own FM radio station. There is local news, weather and sports, plus promoting of community events. The FCC says radio stations should serve “the public interest, convenience and necessity.” That’s what we’re doing.

Each weekday morning, we have guests in between 7 and 9 am to talk about community issues, business activities and events.

It is then archived online and becomes a tool for promoting by linking from your website.

In addition, we showcase local singing artists on the Breakfast Club in a segment called “L/A’s Got Talent.”

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite.

What am I?

• Each weekday, we email the local news to over 10,000 subscribers.

• Messages direct people to links for businesses, organizations and events.

• The Hits of Today Taylor Swift, Sam Smith, Nico & Vinz, Maroon 5, Magic, Colbie Caillat, Megan Trainor and much more.

• And Classic Hits Songs from the 80’s thru Today!

• Great Music All Day 10am - 2pm: “Rush Hours” with Jeremy Rush 12-1pm: “Retro Lunch” 2-6pm: “The Dean” of Radio, Dave Dean LIVE weekdays.

Fridays 4-5pm: “Friday Free For All” featuring local artists.

6pm - 12am: The “Night Shift” with L/A’s own Gene Cassidy.

Saturdays 8-11am: Z105.5 Top 30 Countdown

4 WAYS TO LISTEN: Around L/A at 105.5-FM & 1240-AM, Online at www.z1055.com & Tune-In App.

A: A Stapler Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Blessed is the man who can laugh at himself, for he will never cease to be amused!

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life!

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

I love their Rueben Omelet!

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu

Out ’n About at the YPLAA Wii Bowling Tourney Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) Chris & Heather Cyr

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Tracy Draper & Jimbo UAD

At least they could drill some finger holes in this controller!

I’m putting my weight loss into perspective, I’m holding 75lbs...

Talk about heavy!!

With BJ Grondin’s help I’m down 102lbs!

If you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired I suggest you call BJ today!

Thomas Hill UAD

272 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 577-5979 • Prime360Training.com

BJ Grondin, CSCS

“Don't count the days, make the days count.” – Mohammed Ali

Q: What can you hold without ever touching it?

A: A conversation.

Kelsey Franklin

Group Classes One-on-One Training Nutrition Services Team Training

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 27

Jackpot

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

Submitted by Jimbo

While working for Meals-on-Wheels, an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, Paul used to take his 4-year-old daughter, Lois, with him on his afternoon rounds.

Lois was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the walking sticks, triangular walkers and the wheelchairs.

One day Paul found Lois staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As he prepared himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, Lois merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy is never going to believe this.”

Fire!

Submitted by Thomas Hill

In a panic old Clyde calls the fire department.

Assisted Home Care II “Our Family Assisting Your Family”

Now ex our serv panding ic Midcoas es to the t Region !

Assisting Families since 1997.

• • • • •

Registered Home Health Care Service Agency Private Duty Care & Staff Relief 24 hour Personal Care and Response Guarantee Continuity of Caregivers Assist with Independent Living at Home

11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org

Considering a NEW Used Vehicle?

Shop around, then go see the guys at Cyr’s. Keeping your current vehicle in tip top shape might make more financial sense.

Complete mechanical repair and body work done on premise!

Call for a FREE Quote!

Your Make & r look old ca ke run li NEW!

845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn • 782-5500

“Hello, this is the fire department” says the voice on the other end.

“This is Clyde my barn's on fire you better git up here quick.”

The voice says, “Okay, we can help, how do we get there?”

Clyde says, “Ain't you still got them big red trucks?!”

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The larger the lake of knowledge the longer the shore of wonder.

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace.”

– Jimi Hendrix

Wake Up Call Submitted by Jimbo

Upscale Comfort Food & Home Style Hospitality in a Historically Distinct Setting.

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6:00 a.m. wake-up call.

Featuring a New Spring Menu!

The next morning, I awoke before 6:00, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

JOIN US Senior Citizens

10% OFF with this ad

Foodie Tuesdays - Specials Wed. Hump Day - Happy Hour 4-7pm $

2 Domestic Beers • $4 Well Drinks

Thirsty Thursday - Ladies Night • 1/2 priced drinks 103 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 333-3070 • RailsMaine.com

Expires 4.30.15 UAD

Tuesday - Thursday 11am - 8pm; Friday & Saturday 11am - 10pm

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the motel worker have it.

"You were supposed to call me at 6:00 AM!" I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.

The Winning Wii Bowling Team

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel!"

First Kiss Submitted by Jimbo

An honest seven-yearold admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

It’s true, I had to carry our team all night!

Team Photo Finish

Francis, Ellie and Cole Gagnon & Dr. Ryan Metivier

I can't remember the last time I forgot something.

“How did that happen?” gasped her mother.

“It wasn't easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with April 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 29

CA LL TH E P R O S New Advertisers get 10% OFF

FREE TIRE ROTATION WITH OIL CHANGE SPECIAL

Call Tim TODAY!

$ .00

5 OFF Reg. Oil Change ✃ $10.00 OFFSynthetic Oil Change Limit one per customer per visit. (UAD)

147 East Ave, Lewiston 782-1125

Tim Rucker 576-8049 Join us for some Affordable FUN!

Complete Auto Care No Separating Required!

$

10 up to 48 cards - Games pay $50 - $100 Sunday at 6:00PM Wed., Thurs, & Friday at 6:30PM

Pleasant Street Bingo Hall 475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394

BerubesAutoCare.com

743-3891

Now serving Lewiston & Auburn!

Call us for a FREE quote.

Serving: Norway • West Paris Minot • Mechanic Falls • Oxford & NOW Lewiston/Auburn!

70 Main Street, South Paris • harrisbrosrubbishremoval.com

THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS 1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn

784-8587 or (888) 895-6801 AndroscogginOrtho.com

181 Sabattus Road, Sabattus 375-6000 • SPRQStudio.com

FITNESS

April 17th • 7-9pm

SPRQ is hosting a GLOW event at CFC, Bowdoin Center for Relay for Life! $ .00 5 entry fee • BYOGlow or available for retail for additional fundraising efforts

Our team of mechanics will take great care of you!

A-PLUS AUTO REPAIR

April Special

FREE State Inspection with coupon

747 Minot Ave, Auburn

A-PLUS AUTO REPAIR

(Behind Fastenal Services)

Chance Apprentice Mechanic

786-0522

The more you say, the less people remember.

UAD

Expires 4.30.15

C ALL TH E P R O S Gamache & Lessard Custom Decorators

FREE Cordless Upgrades on Cellular Shades Thru 3.31.15

e-mail: info@GamacheLessard.com www.windowdecorators.com

995 Center St. Auburn • 782-0052

Diane & Friends Full Service Salon w/ 35yrs exp.

Specializing in Perms • Driveways • Patios • Walkways

• Porches • Steps • Poolscapes

from short & tight to Spiral Starting at $50 - includes cut & style Weekly Shampoo/ Set Appts. Welcomed

75 Crest Ave. Auburn 376-4246

Your Best Choice For A New Boiler, Furnace or Oil Tank!

FREE Consult ation

Turn off your boiler this summer and save your oil for winter. Heat your hot water with a GEOSPRING for less than $20 per month!

CALL TODAY! Ray Hurilla Plumbing & Heating Co.

34 Center St. Auburn

207-485-7357

333-3069

RayHurillaPlumbingandHeating.com

yourbestskinofmaine.com

The GIVAUDAN

GROUP is NOW HIRING CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVES!

• Botox & Fillers • Spider Vein Removal • Rosacea Treatment • Spot Fat Reduction • Tattoo Removal • Reduce Wrinkles, Spots & Scars • Acne Treatment • Laser & Hydra Facial MD Treatments

Spring Pantie Sale Mix or Match 2 for $20 All Styles

Are you looking for a rewarding career and enjoy talking to customers via phone?

Send your resume and cover letter to:

johnfagmer@live.com

Lotions, Lingerie & Bedroom Accessories 675 Main St, Lewiston • 804-615-7451

The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!

Out ’n About at the 6th Annual New Auburn Chili & Chowder Challenge

I plead contemporary insanity.

HUGE DISCOUNTS on Kitchen Cabinets & Flooring ity

and

l Qua

^

Alfreda Fournier

Our Gift Cards perfect G make ifts!

Androscoggin County Commissioner Ward 5 &

Senator Eric Brakey

Somerset Homestyle

Red Oak 31/4” $

3.99sf* (reg. $5.99)

BSL Rustic Red Oak or Birch 31/4” $

Ark Brazilian Teak 5” $

5.99sf*

2.99sf*

Andie Hannan Boys & Girls Club

Largest Selection of In-Stock Hardwood in L/A

An up and coming actor right here!

675 Main Street, Lewiston Mon – Fri 8am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 4pm

ShermArnoldsOutlet.com Bev Walker & Maxwell Draper Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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*while supplies last

782-0831 How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Sale Ends 4/30/15

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now.

Tracy Draper

The future is purchased by the present.

JT Reid’s Gun Show & Auction Saturday April 11th 9am - 4pm Sunday April 12th 9am - 2pm Elks Lodge, 108 Odlion Road in Bangor

Gun Show - $5/per person Auction - Sat. at 6pm (Under 16 & Active Military FREE)

Concealed Firearms Prohibited even with permit

Maine Law Enforcement Confiscated Firearms and Estate Firearms*

*Now Accepting Personal & Estate Firearms for Auction.

Call JT Reids Gun Shop 777-3579 • 86 Court St. Auburn • jtreidsgunshop.com

“Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?”

– George Carlin

Uncle Andy's Digest is pleased to announce that Tracy Draper has returned to the Digest Team!

After an eight year hiatus from Advertising Sales, Tracy rejoins the staff to offer her administrative expertise as the new Office Manager as well as returning to her passion of helping advertisers find their full potential in print media. Tracy brings many years experience and will be combining her talents to offer assistance to the UAD staff, while servicing clients with all their advertising needs.

Jimbo Marston, Owner of Uncle Andy’s Digest states, “Tracy is a needed addition to the team where she can do multiple jobs and help move us forward. We’re glad to have her back!”

Tracy Lives in Auburn with her son, Maxwell.

When not tending to her teenager’s hectic schedule, she enjoys spending time with family and friends while enjoying all the activities the L/A area has to offer! Be sure to keep your eye out for Tracy ‘Out ’n About’!

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Jimbo UncleAndys.com 33

Out ’n About at the 6th Annual New Auburn Chili & Chowder Challenge

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

Christine Morrison Rolly’s Diner

Just like old times!

Bev Walker

Jordan Blais Rolly’s Diner Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Indecision is the key to flexibility.

in p o St ay to o tod ster t ox i reg Red S! s win icket t

RETAIL • WHOLESALE • REDEMPTION • LIQUOR STORE 5 Locations for Your Convenience

ATM’s onsite & Lottery/Megabucks!

ERST. OP RO ON S ng i B LIS Sell ! w uor o N iq L

Sabattus Street, Lewiston

Lisbon Street, Lewiston

Main Street, Auburn

New Walk-in Soda Cooler!

WHAT’S BREWING AND ALWAYS NEW YOUR BETTER BEER PIONEERS Minot Ave, Auburn

Beer Specials Bud/Bud Light 15pk 16oz. . . . . . . . . . .$11.99 Mixxtail 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11.99 Shipyard 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 Sam Adams 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 Angry Orchard 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 Baxter Summer 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . . .$14.99 Founders All Day IPA 15pk . . . . . . . . .$17.99

Since 1992

Soda

Crown Royal 1.75ml $45.99 Save $4

Woodford Reserve 750ml $29.99 Save $5 Glenfiddich 12yr 750ml $41.99 Save $5

Coke 12oz. 6pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2/$3.00 Powerade 32oz. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 for $2.50

694 Main St. Lewiston • 782-1482

794 Sabattus St. Lewiston • 783-6353

Pinnacle All Flavors 1.75L $19.99 Save $3

Admiral Nelson 1.75L $14.99 Save $5

Wine Specials Kendall Jackson Chardonnay 750ml .$10.99 Barefoot 1.5L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11.99 Smoking Loon 750ml . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7.99

Main Street, Lewiston

Herradura Blanco $37.99 Save $2

Gold Crown Coffee Brandy 1.75L $16.99 Save $3

1420 Lisbon St. Lewiston • 333-3095

545 Minot Ave. Auburn • 783-2047

303-311 Main St. Auburn • 783-9098

Out ’n About at the YPLAA Wii Bowling Tourney

The family that sticks together should bathe more often.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE I’m not sure I like sharing the lime light...

FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983

$10 OFF ANY Service with Coupon!

OUR TIRES

We can do it:

Muriel LeClerc Good form and total focus

Rod & Scooter

• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

60 Minot Ave., Auburn • 782-6666 or 783-2026

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

A little body english always helps

Fan Spirit Award The Lewiston Middle School Cheering Fans like to get LOUD!

Tara Aube Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Front row (l to r): Jessica G, Sarah L, Tina I, Walter R, Becky G & Karen P. Back row: Tony G, Tim P, Vickie R, Kyla H, Bobbi H, Katrina D, Joao M & Hailee I.

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects!

E VE R Y MO

o f f B NDAY ! u rg e r s& 30% O ALL d f f raf t s

20%

Come Watch Your Favorite Baseball Team We have 11 T.V.’s in our 1,300 sq. ft bar area!

Not a bad seat in the house!

Let Mac’s Cater Your Next Event!

Weddings, Banquets, Birthdays, Corporate Parties, and more!

No event too BIG or SMALL... We cater it ALL! Go Red Sox!

Mac’s Grill 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885

macsgrill.com

The Geiger Elementary School Parent Teacher Organization announces the 2015 Tough Gator Challenge, an obstacle course and mud run for Lewistonarea elementary school children. This rain-or-shine event is scheduled for Saturday, May 30, 2015 from 9:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. at Geiger Elementary School on College Street in Lewiston. Participants will start in waves every 15 minutes throughout the day.

Nearly 500 participants completed the muddy run in the 2014 inaugural event, a brainchild of Geiger parents Mike Courtemanche and Chip Groover who have experienced the “Tough Mudder” events. “This year’s event will feature a different course route, more challenging obstacles and more MUD!!” says Groover. The Tough Gator Challenge is “not a timed race, but a challenge that every participant should be proud of finishing.”

The focus of the event is on being active, teamwork, getting muddy and having fun! While the course will be designed for elementaryaged participants, parents are welcome and encouraged to register and run alongside their kids. The first 500 children to finish will receive a congratulatory t-shirt.

All finishers will receive the honorary title of “Tough Gator”.

The cost to register is $8 per person before May 23 and $10 per person on the day of the event. The day will include concessions, face painting, a Kid Zone for the younger set, and the ever popular dunk tank. Proceeds will benefit the nonprofit Geiger Elementary School PTO, which supports enrichment and communitybuilding opportunities for Geiger students.

“Make sure you tie your shoelaces tight, this course will eat your shoes!” says Courtemanche.

Details are available at toughgatorchallenge.com or by writing to info@toughgatorchallenge.com. See ad on this page.

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When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

Are You Tough Enough?

2nd Annual Obstacle Course and MUD Run May 30th • 9:00am – 2:00pm at Geiger Elementary School 601 College Street, Lewiston

! e n i h S r o n Rai

COME ONE, COME ALL $

8pp when you register by May 23rd or $10pp the day of the event.

The first 500 children to finish will receive a Tough Gator T-shirt!

More info at toughgatorchallenge.com

extreme demonstrates Julia Groover a Lunn. nn ia Br teacher, muddiness to

Tough G & Emil ators Maisy y B the ch Fournier po olduc, Cecil s alleng e in 20 e after com ia Miller pleting 14.

Photos by Cindy Lemieux

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...

I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how is it that I'm alive at 150?

Seriously Submitted by Jimbo

Nicole Morris Owner/Stylist

Angela Spinney Owner/Stylist

FOR THE LOVE OF HAIR Calling All Men! $ 12 Men’s Cuts

Daisy said to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

Get Your 6th Haircut HALF OFF!

xx xxx

$

6

50 Mechanic Falls Road, Poland

Two cows were standing next to each other in a field.

“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.

Like us on

207-241-2424 Tues - Fri 9am - 6pm; Sat 9am - 2pm

“It’s true, straight up, no bull!”

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Out ’n About at Roopers Main Street to Main Street – we’ve got L/A covered!

So long, Jeff.

Don’t let the door hit you in the... oh, I mean congrats on moving over to our Main St, Auburn location!

We’ll miss you!!

Thanks, Tina!

(I think).

Come see me at our Main St, Auburn location.

Jeff Williams

Jeff Williams & Tina Tripp Jeff moves from the Main St. Lewiston store to the Main St. Auburn store.

Your ulcers can't grow while you're laughing!

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Out ’n About at Mixers

But I don't have an "any key" on my computer!

Sudoku Puzzle for April 2015 (Level: Intermediate) Hints on page 42. Answers on page 49.

Mike

& Ike

I’m always here with bells on...

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Happy Easter, folks!

As a man begins to live more seriously within; he begins to live more simply without.

Dieting is wishful shrinking.

9th Annual Heart of Hope Breast Cancer Fundraiser

Out ’n About at the 6th Annual New Auburn Chili & Chowder Challenge I knew you could do it, Jasmin!

Join us for a fabulous Brunch event!

Sunday, April 26th 10:00am – 1:00pm at the Franco Center, 46 Cedar St, Lewiston

• Brunch • Door Prizes • Raffles • Guest Speaker & More!

Tickets $ 30 Jasmin Konicki

Heart of Hope jewelry line designed

by Carlene Sperry & sold exclusively at Republic Jewelry

Winner Age 10 & Under

Tickets are available at:

Republic Jewelry 212 Center St in Auburn

Call Chrissy @ 784-4444 for tickets or to make a donation. or Contact Mitch/Carlene Sperry @ 754-0709 or 754-0747

All proceeds raised go to the Heart of Hope Charitable Fund, a fund for local breast cancer patients in financial need. Funds are also used to raise awareness and education for Breast Cancer.

John Wyman Carlene Sperry is an 12 year Breast Cancer survivor, she is the founder of the Heart of Hope Charitable Fund. For over 11 years she has raised money to help local women/men fighting Breast Cancer. Carlene has designed a line of Breast Cancer jewelry which includes pendants & earrings to help raise money for her charitable fund. Her jewelry line is sold exclusively at Republic Jewelry which helps raise money along with her annual events.

Tailgate Gourmet

For donations, please make checks payable to Heart of Hope Charitable Fund; tax ID #271275952.

Send to Heart of Hope Charitable Fund, C/O Carlene Sperry, 6 Breton Road, Lisbon, ME 04250.

Sponsored in part by:

212 Center St in Auburn

Linda Sincyr Don't protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.

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Which way do you roll?

I had a recurring dream once.

Sudoku Hints Puzzle on page 40.

My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I'm lucky I eat at all.

Our Winner!

St. Patrick’s Day Photo Contest

Tessa

Just great!

I win the photo contest and now I get to watch my parents eat the winnings!

Where's me pint o' milk?!

Submitted by Nick Dutil (39 votes) Nick & Katie Dutil won a $50 gift card to Mac’s Grill for this awesome entry and getting the most votes in our Facebook photo contest.

Congrats! We know you’ll enjoy Mac’s!!

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I got covered in ketchup earlier today, From my head tomatoes.

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Like Mom Submitted by Thomas Hill

He didn't like the casserole, He didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard, Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right, he didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue.

Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it’s official: I’ve gained weight.

I turned around and smacked him in the head.

Like his mother used to do.

Accidents Submitted by Jimbo

Doctor: "Ever had an accident?"

Rancher: "No." Doctor: "Never?

You’ve never had an accident in your whole life?"

Rancher: "Well, last spring I was out in the pasture and a bull tossed me over the fence."

Doctor: "And you don't call that an accident?"

Rancher: "No. I think the bull did it on purpose."

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” – Robert Frost

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Out ’n About at the 6th Annual New Auburn Chili & Chowder Challenge I made it myself!

Right, Bev?

Have you ever noticed how the contents of a box are much more interesting before the box is opened?

HAPPY HOUR SPECIALS TUESDAY 3:30 - 6:00PM • FRIDAY & SATURDAY 9:00 - 11:00PM Lounge Only

Sushi Specials $

Domestic Drafts $

4.00

Sea 40 Wings

6 wings

$

$

4.00

Mermaid Nights Thurs. Nights 7:30-10pm Drink & Food Specials for the ladies

Leroy Walker Auburn City Councilor Ward 5

My Dad can eat more Chili than your Dad!

$

2.00

House Wine

5.00

Well Drinks 5.00

Sake $

1.00 OFF

Open Mic Every Wed. at 7pm

Japanese Cuisine Hibachi • Sushi • Japanese Cuisine Late Night lounge 40 East Ave., Lewiston • 795-6888 • www.sea40me.com

ERT

FREE DESS

celebrate when you at Sea 40! ay your birthd

Maxwell & Stuart Draper Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Voted best International Restaurant AND Best Sushi Restaurant by Market Surveys of America

2 Years in a row!

“Be not simply good; be good for something.” – Henry David Thoreau

People laugh because I'm different, I laugh because they're all the same.

600 Center St. • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 784-6766 • www.DaysJewelers.com

Watch Battery Special!

All batteries

Only

Since 1914

Out ’n About at the 6th Annual New Auburn Chili & Chowder Challenge Darn right it’s Chili... but Spring’s coming!

$ .00

1

Expires 4.30.15

Spring is here!

Limit one watch battery per customer

Kathy Shaw 4 Season Farm Market

Out ’n About at the YPLAA Wii Bowling Tourney

ring Now Offe rters! ta S Remote

Team Get ‘n Go Sonya, Donna, Janet & Paul

L/A, we’re worth the drive! We’re 5 minutes from the Ramada.

Wish Tony and his crew a Happy Anniversary in April!

183 Lisbon Street, Lisbon • 353-9862 • QualityCareAutoRepair.com Talent hits the target which no one else can hit; genius hits the target which no one else can see.

Ken Blais Rolly’s Diner

Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in?

Certainly - how about a paper bag?

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Out ’n About at the 6th Annual New Auburn Chili & Chowder Challenge

“Contingencies have tendencies to become dependencies.”

– W. Thomas McQueeney

Any Make... Any Model... Any Problem...

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required • Fully warranteed & certified • $60/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto Mike & Caleb Davis

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

We love power tools!

333-0364

Brad’s mechanics: (front) Dan & Mallory (back) Marek, Eli & John

Walton School

Can I get a bigger sample?

Brycin, Emily & Halie We just had to get out and get some air!

Pictured here at Get Air in Portland Kids of Nicole Morris co-owner of For The Love of Hair

Rolly & Mary Rolly's Diner

Hidden Word Brain Teaser Puzzle on page 18.

Did you figure out the answer?

Puzzle Answer: CARNIVAL Steve Blais Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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A goal properly set is halfway reached.

Gettin’ Hitched

A helping hand is no farther than at the end of your sleeve.

It’s SPRIN Cleaning Time!

Getting published in the Digest is now crossed off my bucket list...

We are your cleaning solution!

• Excellent References, Dependable & Trustworthy • Complete Home & Office Cleaning • Move-ins & Move-outs, Construction Clean-up • Daily, Weekly & Monthly Programs Locally Owned & Operated • Satisfaction Guaranteed

FREE Estimates • Reasonable Rates

Call Chrissy TODAY!

Sponsor

Turner’s New Community Josh Perkins & Tasha Wing Are getting married June 20th. Give it up for Josh & Tasha!

Congratulations, Josh & Tasha. We, at Uncle Andy’s Digest, wish you the best!

Q: What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

Come see us at our NEW Location!

We’re now at 61 Mill Street in New Auburn (in the old Pontbriand Hardware building)

Walk-ins Welcome

Q: What's round and bad-tempered?

A: A vicious circle.

Now officially open, Community Credit Union is ready and raring to go to serve it’s new community in Turner! Located at 1048 Auburn Road in Turner (across from RJB & Son Auto Sales). Stop in and say hello.

A: A rash of good luck.

Community Credit Union’s NEW Turner Branch (L to R): Sid Hazelton, Marcel Gagne, Mary Lafontaine, Laurie Pelletier, Jen Hogan, Kerry Wood, Barbara Hardison, Tom Avery, Anne Jarvis, Denis Richardson, Maynard Chapman, Dick Keene, Alfreda Fournier & Chip Morrison.

hwilliamsbarber.com

740-6316

$

10 CUTS

61 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-6927 or 1-800-834-5706 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 • MySelco.com

184 Turner St. Auburn

Hours: Tue. Wed. Fri. 8-4

(Next to Coastal T-shirts)

A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it.

Thurs. 8-5 • Sat. 8-12

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Out ’n About at the 6th Annual New Auburn Chili & Chowder Challenge

A hug is a great gift... one size fits all, and it's easy to exchange.

Tina Saucier We can’t get enough of this deliciousness!

Don't attempt to run from the past, it is always behind you.

Located in the building behind Dad’s Place

Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm

DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION (closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)

23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551

Dad’s Redemption

6¢

es v i r D e Bottl me!

Welco Zen & Zada Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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April 2015

783-7039

on all 5¢ returns with this coupon. (must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)

✃

UAD expires 4.30.15

Don't be afraid of opposition; Remember a kite rises against, not with the wind.

A Grave Encounter

782-2135 Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9pm Sun. 11am - 5pm

Daily Drink Specials!

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Every Tuesday is Seniors Day!

MONDAY TUESDAY Cheeseburger Special w/ fries $5.99

Thatcher’s Burger

BBQ sauce, cheddar, caramelized onions

w/ fries $7.99

WEDNESDAY THURSDAY Mexican Day

Stuffed Peppers $

3 Beef Tacos $4.99

5.99

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

Fish & Chips

Fried Scallops

$

$

8.59

13.99

11am - 2pm 10% OFF

SUNDAY

Menu lunches w/ coupon

12” cheese pizza $5.99

✃

Coupon expire 4.30.15

“Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”

– Winston Churchill

Testimonial for Sasseville Healthy Smiles

Submitted by Thomas Hill

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man.

“They misspelled my name!”

Q: What occurs once in a month, twice in a moment but never in a day?

Bruce Bickford, a patient of Sasseville Healthy Smile and Maine State Representative, shown with Lisa-Marie Sasseville, owner.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

A: The letter M After years of being phobic of dental offices I have found Lisa-Marie and her office's calming approach and atmosphere has me coming back regularly for good oral health! So glad to have found her, extremely highly recommended!!

Sudoku Answers Puzzle on page 40.

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Out ’n About at the YPLAA Wii Bowling Tourney

I have no idea why the doctor told me to get into shape! Is ROUND not a shape!?

Have you TAPSNAP’d yet?

Cindy Gorey & Pam Dube TapSnap Cindy graciously played “Tracy” to fill in as a back up bowler for the UAD bowling team.

I could use a cup of tea... tea for two maybe?*

Colby Michaud Praxis Production Studios *Colby’s film, “Tea for Two” will premier at the Emerge Film Festival, April 9-12. See page 16 for more info.

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Every once in a brownish-purple moon, I worry that I might be colorblind.

When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door.

That’s how doors work.

Marooned Submitted by Jimbo

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes.

"You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no prob(continued on next page)

The amount of people who confuse “to” and “too” is amazing two me.

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(continued from previous page)

lem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.

Would you like a drink?"

After years struggling with my addiction to hand sanitizer I'm finally clean.

Affordable Dental Excellence!

New Patient Special $ .00

88

Includes: Cleaning, Exam, & Xrays Caring family dentist & specialists 488 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-8800 www.androscoggindentalgroup.com

Out ’n About at the YPLAA Wii Bowling Tourney rd

fo Team Hanna

Team Electr ic a rielle & Jenn

n, Gab

Nicky, Jaso

ity ME

Danielle, Mu

riel, Jane & L

oren

A great time was had by all at DaVinci’s for the annual Wii Bowling Tourney hosted by YPLAA

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they (continued on page 54)

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April 2015

783-7039

Team S

loth L

Nate,

Travis ,

ighten

ing

Val & C

assie

Team Hogan Road Holt Shawn & Tara Aube, Loren Hersey & Nikki Withrow I went to a Queen concert. There was an electrical storm during the show.

Thunderbolts & lightning. Very, very frightening.

(continued from page 52)

sit down on her couch to talk.

I'd rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds to wash the dish that doesn't fit.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him. "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes...

"You've built a Golf Course?"

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I told this joke about the post office but no-one laughed. It may have been the delivery.

I’ve had to take a second job working in a bakery... I knead the dough.

Speedy Submitted by Thomas Hill

Has Sprung!

Homemade Food at Fast Food Prices!

Breakfast Special

$

.O. e of the U.F

Hom

ect)

e Filling Obj

(Unbelievabl

3.75

Includes a Breakfast sandwich on our homemade roll, hashbrown, coffee & a donut!

GEORGIO’S 740 Minot Ave, Auburn

783-2981

See Our Specials: myGeorgios.com Timmy Rucker, you m*&%f*, can I get your autograph?

Two guys were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something. They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them. Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes.

The second man said, “You don't have time to change shoes. You can't out run that bear!”

The first man said, “I know I can't out run the bear. I only have to outrun you!”

Out ’n About at Mixers with Bob Marley

Why go UPTA CAMP when you can go to Mixers?

Bob Marley Bob Marley & Tim Rucker

puttin’ on a show to a sold out crowd at Mixers in Sabattus.

People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night are burning the Kindle at both ends.

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Out ’n About at For The Love of Hair

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

Hair and nails...

Nails and hair.

Either way you cut it works for us.

Angela Spinney, Nicole Morris & Katie Coolidge You can find all three of these ladies in Poland at For The Love of Hair. See their ad on page 39.

Jimbo said he had a man-crush on his own hair, but love was too strong of a word. Especially with the bald spot and receding hairline.

Boys n’ Girls Submitted by Thomas Hill

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

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I saw a man get his watch stolen right from under his nose. What a strange place to keep a watch.

The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.

Huge Announcement Coming...

SPRING TIME SAVINGS!

Stay Tuned...

UAD

Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen.

Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores.

UAD

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Pink never looked so good!

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. My mom said, “Just use a spoon already Karl! You’re not a Jedi.”

! a z o o l a p Lady Saturday, May 9th 11:00-3:00

Julie Girouard & Shelby Rucker

Elks Lodge

8th graders at Lewiston Middle School pose for “Pink Day” for their team on theme week.

Wascally Wabbit Submitted by Jimbo

Bugs Bunny was shopping at the supermarket and a sales assistant said to him, “If you can tell me what 19,866 times 10,543 is, we’ll give you free carrots for life.”

Immediately, Bugs responded: 209,447,238.

The sales assistant was astonished and asked, “How on earth did you do that?”

Bugs replied, “If there’s one thing rabbits are good at, it’s multiplying.”

Q: Why are there candles and bulbs in your lunch box?

A: You asked for a Light Lunch!

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1675 Lisbon Road, Lewiston

Join us for an afternoon of shopping, spa services, snacks, samples & girl time.

FREEion

Admiss

HUGE RAFFLE!

Ladypalooza is an annual fundraising event to raise money for local women & children’s charities.

100% proceeds donated to:

Sponsored in part by:

TREE STREET YOUTH treestreetyouth.org

I was driving a fire engine earlier and I nearly fell out of it... Thank goodness the guy at Target rushed over to unplug it.

1,000. OFF

Any Inground or Above Ground Pool

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 4.30.15 (UAD)

✃

Call to schedule your Spring installation!

Expires 4.30.15 (UAD)

Pool Builders of Maine 40 East Ave. Lewiston • 795-6888 Sea40me.com

Get 10% OFF Darn Good Deal ad.

5 OFF

2 LARGE PIZZAS!

Sabattus Main Street Market 2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502

6¢

on all 5¢ returns (must present coupon at

✃ Redemption Center prior to counting) Expires 4.30.15 (UAD)

Expires 4.30.15 (UAD)

161 Lincoln St. Lewiston 784-7042 LabadiesBakery.com

$

1. OFF

$10 or more

Breakfast or Lunch. Limit one per customer per visit.

Expires 4.30.15 (UAD)

Egg-ceptional Restaurant 5 Pigeon Hill Rd, McFalls • 998-5577

DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION 23 Pleasant St. McFalls • 345-5551

ONLY $

5.00

✃

Expires 4.30.15 (UAD)

Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

The secret of true greatness is simplicity.

LOOK & BOOK NOW!

Limit one per customer per visit.

Expires 4.30.15 (UAD)

Take advantage of the coupon on the other side of this page.

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2 Large 1-topping pizzas $15.99 (Reg. $20.99)

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Quality Workmanship, Outstanding Service poolbuildersofmaine.com 1525 Minot Ave. Auburn • 795-7222

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"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

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To make a long story short quit right in the middle.

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