UAD February 2015

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

FREE

2015 Androscoggin Chamber

President’s Award

The Most Unusual Digest in America

Recipient

February 2015

Looking to BUY or SELL a HOME? Attend a FREE Home Buyer/Seller Education Class!

See page 5 for our upcoming schedule!

Contact Debbie TODAY for all your mortgage needs!

Voted Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s Best Mortgage Company for 2014!

Debbie Bodwell, NMLS#280336 VP, Mortgage Banker 181 Center Street | Auburn, ME 04210 P 207-777-1551 | F 207-777-1933 Debbie.Bodwell@RMSmortgage.com

NMLS ID# 1760, ME Supervised Lender License No. SLM2537; Equal Housing Opportunity

www.RMSmortgage.com/DebbieBodwell

The Extra Money You’ve Been Looking For...

We have IS HERE! • Low Rates

• Extended Terms

• Low Payments

• One Hour Loans

the financing for you!

Restrictions & qualification apply

Great Falls Federal Credit Union

Two convenient locations:

34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 www.GreatFallsfcu.com

Armandsab@aol.com

Homework Policy Submitted by Jimbo

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:

“There are no traffic jams on the extra mile.” — Zig Ziglar

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST Recipient of the 2015 PRESIDENT’S AWARD

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner: 15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

15 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

5 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

18 minutes checking their Facebook status.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

S-sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power."

"Of course I have. You ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, and no one listens to you!

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UAD staff who attended the Awards Banquet (l to r): Tim Rucker (Sales), Pam Ashby (Graphic Designer), Thomas Hill (Internet Specialist) & Jimbo Marston (Owner)

Proud to be part of what makes Lewiston/Auburn

GREAT! “A local treasure! Uncle Andy’s Digest engages its readers and lubricates the wheels of commerce.” – Chip Morrison, Chamber President I'm on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.

If you're a Repo Man, what you seize is what you get.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

February 2015 Thursday, Feb 5th Dubois Café 7am – 10am (Chapter 14437) 906 Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest Saturday, Feb 7th Red Claws vs Westchester Knicks 7pm (Chapter 14346) Portland Expo $4 Tuesday, Feb 10th Sam’s Noon – 7pm (Chapter 8609) Marketplace Mall, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest Wednesday, Feb 18th 99 Restaurant 4pm - 7pm (Chapter 12907) 650 Center St, Auburn $8.50 Member; $9.50 Guest Saturday, Feb 21st KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper 4:30-5:30pm (Chapter 10589) 8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn $5 Member; $6 Guest

Dick Courtemanche 207-786-3622 Lewiston

Art Chamberlain 207-514-7003 Lewiston

Paul Colasante* 207-782-8823 Lewiston

Michael Courtemanche* 207-783-8921 Lewiston

Sunday, Feb 22nd Flagship Cinema(Chapter 12749) Lewiston/Auburn$4 Member; $5.50 Guest Tuesday. Feb 24th Ari’s Pizza 11:30 – 1pm (Chapter 10929) 457 Main St, Norway $5 Member

Happy e’s! tin Valen

Forest Cluff* 207-725-4606 Brunswick

Ron Ouellette* 207-786-3612 Lewiston

Kim Pelkey* 207-786-2573 Lewiston/Norway

Deb Wagemann* 207-783-8804 Auburn

*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.

WENT TO THE DENTIST AND NOW I'M USING ALL CAPS.

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed.

************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2015

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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world.

Subscriptions are $30/year.

Send a $30 check made out to UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.

AFFORDABLE DENTURES Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Also see us for: • Full Dentures

Production Staff

• Immediate Dentures

JIMBO

• Partial Dentures

Jack of all trades, master of none.

• Rebases • Relines • Repairs • All work done in house,

TIM

including metal frameworks

Marketing Consultant.

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

THOMAS Internet Specialist.

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted We also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare Provider

FREE CONSULTATIONS PAM

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES

Graphic Design.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 EMAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com Or email us at: smileagaindentures@gmail.com

UncleAndysDigest.com While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

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Maybe I should just start feeding the puppy wood furniture.

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.

You’re Invited...

We had a FANTASTIC response to our request for sweetheart pics.

We hope you enjoy all the love!

Keep reading to find out who our winners are!!

SWEET HEARTS!

Voted Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s Best Mortgage Company for 2014!

To Attend a FREE Home Buyer/Seller Education Class When:

Wednesdays: February 11th, February 25th March 11th, March 25th

Time:

6:30 – 7:30pm

Where:

Residential Mortgage Services 181 Center St, Auburn, ME

Scott Wagner & Karen Bergeron

Speaker: Debbie Bodwell Come join us and find out about programs that can help you on your way to home ownership!

• Shopping for a Home Mortgage

• Understanding Qualifying Factors

• Mortgage Myths & Misconceptions

• The Prequalification Process

Seating is limited – MUST PRE-REGISTER

Cassandra Doak & Matthew Baker

via email: Courtney.Vincent@RMSmortgage.com or call 207-777-1551 Light refreshments will be served.

Debbie Bodwell, NMLS#280336 VP, Mortgage Banker 181 Center Street | Auburn, ME 04210 P 207-777-1551 | F 207-777-1933 Debbie.Bodwell@RMSmortgage.com www.RMSmortgage.com/DebbieBodwell NMLS ID# 1760, ME Supervised Lender License No. SLM2537 Equal Housing Opportunity For information purposes only and is not a commitment to lend. Programs, rates, terms and conditions are subject to change at any time. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions. Not all programs available in all areas. Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. MMLS ID #1760; ME Supervised Lender License #SLM2537; CT Mortgage Correspondent Lender License #14352; Licensed by the Delaware State Bank Commissioner to engage in business in Delaware, License #017813; FL Mortgage Lender License #MLD232; MA Mortgage Lender License #MC1760; MD Mortgage Broker License #21114; Licensed by the New Hampshire Banking Department, NH Mortgage Banker License #8816-MB; Licensed NJ first mortgage lender; Ohio MB Exemption MBMB.850210.000; Licensed Mortgage Lender #44857; RI Licensed Lender #20092626LL; RI Licensed Loan Broker #20122931LB.

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant." – Anne Bradstreet

Christine & Mike Cote Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2015

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That’s Nuts

I’m not stalking. I'm researching.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Sweet Pea Designs

John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit.

Flower Shoppe

There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them.

777-1520

When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma’am, and thank you for the peanuts."

FREE Delivery in L/A

SweetPeaFloralDesignsme.com

Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

Round She Goes

Pamper your sweetheart this Valentine's Day!

Submitted by Jimbo

After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.

Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened to Shania Twain this morning," she said.

"The whole CD?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "just one side."

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Michelle Higgins, Lynn Norris & Peg Montoya Stylist

Owner/Stylist

Stylist

Gift Certificates Available Tues – Thurs 9am - 7pm; Fri 9am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 12pm

232 Center Street, Auburn

753-9368 (next to Play It Again Sports)

“Affordable Dental Excellence”

New Patient Special $

88

Includes: Cleaning, Exam, & Xrays

Caring family dentist & specialists • Now Offering Implants $2,999 488 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-8800 • www.androscoggindentalgroup.com Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you start this thing?"

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I texted her and said, "Did you get my drift?"

Call us TODAY!

SWEET HEARTS!

Get In Shape!

You’ll be g you did lad !!

You know you want to.

~ Introductory pricing ~

Limit one per person.

Call for details.

Expires 2.28.15

Expires 2.28.15

Limit one per person.

Call for details.

3 Individual Training Sessions for just $99.

✃

✃

Buy 2 months of classes get the 3rd month FREE!

Don & Heidi Covert

Group Classes One-on-One Training Nutrition Services Team Training

272 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 577-5979 • Prime360Training.com

BJ Grondin, CSCS

ADOS: Attention Deficient – Ooh, shiny…

Come Celebrate Mardi Gras with Us! February 9th - 17th

Lisa & Duncan Philbrick

• Drink Specials - Hurricanes, Sazerac, Hand Grenade • King Cake • Serving Chicken Okra Gumbo Soup

Special Menu Mardi Gras Night, Feb. 17th Book Your Reservations Now! • Locally Owned • Thoughtfully Sourced • Made from Scratch • Maine Craft Artisans

Reserve our function room for your next party or event!

Gene Couillard & Pam Foulke Q: What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?

Monday - Thursday 11am - 9pm; Friday & Saturday 11am - 10pm

Thomas to Jimbo: I wasn't sleeping. My desk was bleeding, so I was applying pressure, with my head.

A: I just love baskin’ robins.

103 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 333-3070 • RailsMaine.com

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My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees with me.

SWEET HEARTS!

Genevieve Hering & Colby Michaud

Jamie McClendon & Stephanie Arsenault

Jared & Sarah Legare sweethearts since college, May 27th will be their 15th Anniversary!

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Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy marshmallows, which is kind of the same thing.

We're not retreating; we're advancing in a different direction.

It’s not too early to book your spring and summer events!

SWEET HEARTS!

Weddings • Summer Events • Reunions Company Parties Indoors or Outdoors – We do it all!

Dad’s Catering Division 345-9009

DadsPlace.info

Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing!

FREE COFFEE EVERYDAY!

Crystal Robinson & Jeffrey Cote

Baby, it’s COLD outside!

Free coffee with purchase of any Breakfast Sandwich EVERYDAY in February! exp. 2.28.15

Our

$

10 GIANT

one-topping pizza is sure to warm you up!!

✃

Glenn Foss & Darcy Ames

Not to be combined with any other special.

Expires 2.28.15

the o d d a D t Le cookin’! s nu item e m 0 0 2 r e Ov from! e s o o h c o t

Colleen & Dave Verreault

There’s NO PLACE like...

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And spiders…

A: A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.

Dad’s Place

Q: What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?

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Bring ideas in and entertain them royally for one of them may be the king.

SWEET HEARTS!

GREAT COMFORT FOOD $ 1.00 We think you’ll find it’s Egg-ceptional!

OFF

Serving breakfast & lunch daily.

Breakfast available all day!

when you spend $ 10 or more

“Home of the Double Yolker”

Egg-ceptional Restaurant Jeff Tveraas & Debbie Schmidt Now in Austin, Texas.

Jeff used to do graphic design for Uncle Andy’s Digest back in the day!

5 Pigeon Hill Rd (Rte 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

10% off larger orders! one coupon per visit Not to be combined w/ any other Specials UAD

Mon - Fri: 7am - 2pm; Sat - Sun: 6am - 2pm

4COMFORTABLE 4CARING 4STRESS -FREE Affordable, Personalized Dental Hygiene.

✃ Expires 02.28.15 New Patients Receive

10% OFF First Visit with ad.

Early evening & Saturday appointments available!

Dental Cleanings Oral Cancer Assessments Sealants All Ages Welcome Fluoride Treatments

Dental Hygiene & Wellness

241-0667 Denise & Jerome Lizotte

137 East Ave, Lewiston SassevilleHealthySmile.com

Athletic Mouth Guards Most Insurances Accepted No Referrals Needed Lisa-Marie Sasseville, IPDH

We Finance!

Tax Time Savings!

Bring Your Tax Return & Select the Vehicle of Your Choice!

Karen & Jim Albert Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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733 Sabattus St. Lewiston 777-7200 • 866-264-7685 • ThriftyCarMart.com

Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.

Because Business Should Lead To Abundance

Business is no laughing matter (unless you’re Jimbo)

Business Quiz MATCH THE NAME

WITH THE BUSINESS

Let’s make a Dill Flantastic A Slice Is Right Hunan Resources Silent but Dehli Jockular Spruce SpringClean Lord of the Fries Tequila MockinBird

New Mexican restaurant An old-fashioned deli Mexican desert bar A pizza joint A sports bar An up-scale Mexican restaurant A new Lewiston fast food joint A large Chinese restaurant An up-scale cleaning firm

That fun quiz was just to get you in the mood – to look at your business. If you really look at YOU and YOUR BUSINESS, what do you see? Are there changes/improvements you need to make? If you have had these challenges for a while; working too hard, managing time, cash, people or the work itself, Please give us a call. You know your business better than anybody! WE ARE BUSINESS COACHES – LET US HELP YOU MAKE IT GREAT!!

Kurk Lalemand, Business Coach; Erna Koch, CPBC; Rose Creps, Financial Analyst

NEXT Level Business Coaching . biz 207-754-2003 Because Business Should Lead To Abundance

Weight Study

I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Submitted by Jimbo

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.

I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantilyclad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

The Bachelor Cookbook Submitted by Thomas Hill

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it - Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish.'"

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Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Rembrandt painted 700 pictures in his life time and art collectors have all 7,000 of them.

Honesty. Tenacity. Courage.

SWEET HEARTS!

Realistic Solutions for Your Legal Needs!

Ask About Home Visits!

We specialize in: Litigation, Divorce, Family Matters, Evictions for Landlords, Estate Planning & Court-Appointed matters.

Call f

or you r FREE consult ation!

The Law Offices of Kimberly A. Levesque, Esq.

207-440-2130

Lise & Jeff Lothrop Married June 24 1978 and still going strong

87 Essex Street, Lewiston (inside the Action Computer Services building)

Checking the time twice because you forgot it the first time.

THE 2ND AMENDMENT IS NOT ABOUT HUNTING Learn how to defend yourself and your family.

Lynn Poor & Gordon Frank

Check our website & Facebook page for current & upcoming SPRING Classes!

NRA Certified Instruction

CC Permit • Basic • Advanced Don Mailhot

rdtacticalhandgun.com

NRA - Law Enforcement

576-5131

Bill Rousseau NRA - Law Enforcement

576-6961

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Get out! We don't want your type in here."

Mandy & Nick Zielinski Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2015

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SON OF A B…iscuit. Oh, hey mom…

SWEET HEARTS!

HUGE DISCOUNTS on Kitchen Cabinets & Flooring ity l a Qu d n a

Pam & Pat Veilleux

^

Our Gift Cards perfect G make ifts!

Pat Malcuit & Jim Malcuit with Ginger

FF O % 5 1 nyl i V & le All Ti ms Re

Cortney & Paul Brunelle with their boys, Paul & Dominic

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?

A: An Investigator Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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675 Main Street, Lewiston Mon – Fri 8am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 4pm

ShermArnoldsOutlet.com

782-0831 I have been single for a while, and I have to say; It’s going very well.

Like, it’s working out. I think I’m the one.

For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.

L

K

SWEET HEARTS!

Don’t spend $18+ at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for $

12

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444

Maria Carbone & Jessie Burlock

OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

Cassiels.com •

71 East Ave. Lewiston • 783-3321

For the month of February

One Hour Massage For Couples Rose Scented Pedicures Complimentary Chocolate covered Strawberries

Monica & Michael Marin

Champagne with every side by side service!

DIY Submitted by Thomas Hill

Rol lod ro me EDULE WINTEtioRn SSkCatH e

School Vaca 1:30 - 4:00 Wednesday 7:30-10pm ts - Ages 20+ Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 7: g - All Skatin Friday Nights 4pm nday - 1:30 Saturday & Su t 7:30 - 10pm gh Ni ily m Fa ts Saturday Nigh - 10pm 30 - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night

Available for private parties

Since 1954

Where Good Skaters Meet

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

Every year on my birthday, I looked forward to my aunt’s gift—a scarf, hat, or sweater knitted by hand.

One year, she must have had better things to do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book.

Her card read "Scarf, some assembly required."

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I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

SWEET HEARTS!

y h t l a e H Get A S E I G G E V f o e s Do

“Razor Ray” Beaudoin & Sue Tracy Razor Ray was a longtime contributor to UAD.

brought to you in part by:

Ron & Nichole Major

Saturday March 7th 8pm - Midnight American Legion Post 150, Mechanic Falls Tickets: $15/per person

Proceeds Benefit All the Programs of the Mechanic Falls Recreation Department Ron & Peggy Polley Q: What happened when wheel was invented?

A: A revolution occurred Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Door Prizes • 50/50 Dancing & Lots of Fun! Tickets can be purchased in advance at Bryant Energy in Mechanic Falls or Call Jeff Martin at 577-9243 or email mechanicfallsrec@yahoo.com You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

Three Hymns

A pun spun with a good yarn gets fabricated!

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Pick a Proven Winner Choosing a Real Estate Agent can be difficult.

Choose one with a proven track record!

Rollie Heckethorn: • Licensed in Real Estate since 1988 • 2014 AVBOR Realtor of the Year • Assisting buyers & sellers of residential, commercial & investment properties all over the state of Maine Well ver s in home ed buyer program s.

Call Tod ay!

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

Rollie Heckethorn 207-344-0007

www.DunhamRealty.com • Office: 207-729-7297 I heard Einstein got along well with his parents ... relatively speaking.

I just don’t have time for the nervous breakdown that I deserve.

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.

Chip Morrison Androscoggin Chamber President will retire later this year.

CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him, and him, and him."

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Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.

SWEET HEARTS!

An IMPOSSIBLE Brain Teaser

Shawn Leone & Alicia Baril

Sherri & Chad Sylvester

Steve & Pam Hecker Q: Which U.S. State has the smallest soft drinks?

Answers are on page 47. But at least give it a shot first!

Used by permission www.spelling-words-well.com

A: Mini-soda Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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It was so cold... When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!

It was so cold... Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

Every Friday

Get Your Sweetheart a Heart-shaped Donut!

Buy 1 dozen donuts at regular price ($7.50) and get the 2nd dozen at half price! $

11.25 for both

✃

Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

Whoopie Special 784-7042

Buy 1 dozen get the 2nd dozen for Only $1.00

LabadiesBakery.com

with coupon

161 Lincoln St. • Lewiston

Mon. 6am-noon • Tues-Fri 6am-3pm

Wire electrical jobs so fun?

In-Store Only

Over Insured Submitted by Jimbo

The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him how many miles he drives in a year. He said he didn’t know.

"Well, do you drive 10,000 miles a year?" I asked, "or 5,000?"

He said the numbers sounded high. "What month is this?" he asked. I told him it was July.

Visit our award winning website www.brendafontaine.com Insanity you say? We like to call it “Personal Happiness”.

"Maybe this will help," he said. "I filled the car with gas in February."

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I'm not in denial; I'm just selective about the realities I accept.

SWEET HEARTS!

Tisha & Shawn Blais

Venise & Tony Pratt Still madly in love

Trisha Marston & John Acker Another Day at the Digest office...

Thomas to Jimbo: “My memory is so bad!”

www.rainbowfcu.com “How bad is it?”

“How bad is what?”

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The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

It was so cold... I chipped a tooth on my soup!

SWEET HEARTS!

PROTECTING What You Love.

What You Do. ish..

What You Cher

Steve & Sasha Vurnakes

232 Center St., Auburn

786-0417 VarneyAgency.com Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm Kerrie Robbins

Commercial Insurance Specialist

commercial

home

auto

recreational

umbrella

life health

It was so cold... We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!

Tim & Vickie Rucker 21st Valentine's Day

Sweetheart Headquarters!

“Try us once, r!” you’ll be a regula

Tim & Shani Smith

Brad, Kaitlyn, Drew, Lauren & Angela

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET For take-out, groceries, fresh meats, cold beer & more!

29th Valentine's Day

$

3 OFF

2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502

ANY LARGE PIZZA!

OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm

Limit one per customer per visit (UAD) Expires 2.28.15

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A: A pachydermatologist.

Please Keep It Local

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When the investor came home from work he was spent.

SWEET HEARTS! Since 1953

Mon-Sun: 9am

SUNDAY

MONDAY

Baked Ziti

The Fergy

$

6.00

Yohanan Svitavsky & Stephanie Gravel

LuiggisPizzeria.com

- 10pm

THURSDAY Mini Pizza

1 topping $

2.99 2 toppings $3.99

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

Meatball Subs

Spaghetti Dinners

sm $

3.35 lg $ 6.50

sm $

2.50 lg $ 5.00

w/ch $3.99 w/ch

$

7.50

FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza

1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink $

5.25

SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians $7.99

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $5.50

Ernie & Patti Gagne

The crusty, ill-tempered baker was a scone's throw from becoming toast.

Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME

It’s been one heck of a ride, honey...

Josh Pelletier & Steph Gagne

Lori Gagne & Bill Gagne Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet

Chip & Jane Morrison, sweethearts sharing a moment during the festivities at the Ramada in Lewiston. Chip, Androscoggin Chamber President, will retire from his long-time position later this year.

A whopping 542,629 acres of Maine is a part of national and state parks.

The Acadia National Park is the second most-visited national park in America.

Mid Maine M Drug Screening & Investigations Full Service Drug Testin ng Company & Private Investigator

577-6000 • www.MMDrugScreening.com m

Ray Hurilla

unless you check. ck.

Tenant Screening Pr re-Em mployment State & Naational Criminal History

includes: • SSN verificcation/Address Verification e • InstaNation nal Criminal History • Maine SBI criminal history • Teerrorist Watch a List • Interpol / FBI F Most Waanted • Sex Offend der/V Viiolent Offender Search All States • Trrans Union n Credit Report w/ credit score • National Ev viction Check (Civil courtss, all states)

$

Local, State, National and Federal Criminal History includes: • SSN Veerification/Address Veerification • InstaNational Criminal History • Federal Criminal History • Maine SBI Criminal Historry • Teerrorist Waatch List • Sex Offender/ Violent i Offender Search A All States • Interpol / FBI Most W Waanteed

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49 9.99 each

Other Se S rvices • Drug & Alcohol Testing e • Hair Follicle Testing e • DNA/Paaternity Teesting • Private Investigations I

• Pre-probation Drug Teestingg • Instant Drug Teest Kits & Su upplies • Trial r Preparation

Online Orders for Background checks R a backgorund check righ Run ht from your own computer!

Ask about quantity discounts!

P Pain Mangement Clinicss • Private Practices - R Rehab Centers Property Manageement Companies • Hosspitals

Call us for more information @ 577-6000 He made a slow start in the sport of weightlifting but he picked it up eventually.

Q: What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be?

A: Tomorrow

You don’t know...

of Ray Hurilla Plumbing and Heating is a sole proprietorship. His homebased business is located in Lewiston.

Ray is a Master Oil Burner Technician and also a Master Plumber.

He is licensed and insured in the state of Maine with over 15 years experience.

Providing advice and assistance to residential customers on new installations (new construction and existing homes) and service of their oil heating systems.

His many years of experience in trouble shooting with older systems really benefit many of Ray’s customers. Relying heavily on referrals from satisfied customers, he makes sure the job is done right the first time.

Contact Ray Hurilla Plumbing and Heating at 485-7357, visit his website: rayhurillaplumbingandheating.com, find him on Facebook and most importantly, see his ad on page 30.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 23

Rare Company

The state of Maine is estimated to contain 6,000 lakes and ponds.

Submitted by Jimbo

A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Wow, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”

Microsoft: You've got questions; we've got dancing paperclips.

The bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?”

I do five sit-ups every morning... It may not sound like many but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.

Winter Punderland Submitted by Thomas Hill

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly.

“It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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February 2015

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Friday Nights Live!

2/6 American Ride Maine 2/13 Tina Kelly Band 2/20 Midlife Krisis 2/27 Bad Penny

136 Sabattus Road, Sabattus (Across from Cumberland Farms) 375-4188

We close out the weekend every Sunday with the original Retro Party!!

Saturday Nights Mixers is the HOTTEST Night spot around!

If you wanna see the rainbow you must first endure the rain.

“The greatest science in the world; in heaven and on earth; is love.” – Mother Teresa

Burlesque Chair Workouts

SWEET HEARTS!

Come find out what the buzz is all about!

BUR LES QUE

Evening classes offer the privacy that is essential to experience the proper atmosphere of Burlesque!

With the lights dimmed down low the room warmed with body heat, pointed toes for instant sexiness and slippery chairs for easier glide.

BURLESQUE Chair SHOULD be in EVERY Woman’s life!

Don’t let the class atmosphere mislead you ~ Burlesque Chair is a TOTAL Body aerobic workout with the sexy kick that we forget we ALL can have!

John & Corrina Tancrede Married 21 years

Tj Niles & Jasmine Kronstrand

SPRQ Burlesque Performance Workshops Beginning week of March 23rd (day of week & time TBA) Ranging from $75 - $150 per person Includes Full Burlesque Costume (3 choices) 5 weeks of performance training with leg/core/ab fitness segments

Amy Knight & Mark Brookes

A friends/family LIVE PREVIEW Performance at the end!

Check out our Complete Class Schedule Visit our website: 181 Sabattus Rd., Sabattus

www.SPRQstudio.com Ann & Dan Dumais

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 25

In 1623, America's first sawmill was established in York, Maine.

SWEET HEARTS!

Local Radio... The Way It Should Be! The only FM Station just for the L/A Area!!

Brittanie & Adam First Dance

• The Hits of Today Shake It Off/Taylor Swift, Stay With Me/Sam Smith, Am I Wrong?/Nico & Vinz, Maps/Maroon 5, Rude/Magic, Try/Colbie Caillat, All About That Bass/Megan Trainor... and much more.

Cassandra & Kyle Mann

• And Classic Hits Songs from the 80’s thru Today!

• Breakfast Club with Matty B Live interviews with local guests Monday – Friday 6-10am.

Local News & Sports Danny & Jen Banker

• Great Music All Day 10am-2pm: “Rush Hours” with Jeremy Rush. “Retro Lunch” 12-1pm 2-6pm: The “Dean” of Radio, Dave Dean LIVE weekdays.

4-5pm: Dave’s “Friday Free For All”, featuring local artists.

6pm-12am: The “Night Shift” with L/A’s own Gene Cassidy.

Sat 8-11am: Z105.5 Top 30 Countdown.

4 WAYS TO LISTEN: Darlene Hersom & Brian Benoit Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Around L/A at 105.5-FM & 1240-AM, Online at www.z1055.com & Tune-In App. My skiing skills are really going downhill.

“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

SWEET HEARTS!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu

Rolly’s Diner was proud to receive the Small Business Leadership Award from the Androscoggin Chamber on Thursday, January 22.

87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out)

Deanna & Shane Laccase

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

*Photo credit: Bell Photography Gray, ME

I would rather tell you one truth you don’t like than to tell you a hundred lies you do like.

NEW AUBURN SOCIAL CLUB 7 SECOND ST. AUBURN • 782-9039

Greg & Tracy Dubois

Valentine’s Dance

February 14th • 8pm - 12midnight Heart Necklace Door Prize

All Ladies will receive a Rose

Friends of Bonnie & Larry Pelletier

Jim & Jeanne Sullivan married 50 years

Please Join Us for a Benefit Spaghetti Dinner

Saturday Feb. 28th 5-6:30pm $5/per person • Lots of Raffle Items and 50/50 drawing!

$

1.25

Every Tuesday & Wednesday Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light & PBR Cans

“If you want to make enemies, try to change something.” — Woodrow Wilson

Jocelyn French & Steven Sidelinger Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 27

Wrinkle Cream

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

A nine-year-old girl walked in while her mom was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Putting on my wrinkle cream," her mom answered.

"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."

Guerrilla Marketing!

Assisted Home Care II “Our Family Assisting Your Family”

Now ex our serv panding ic Midcoas es to the t Region !

Assisting Families since 1997.

• • • • •

Registered Home Health Care Service Agency Private Duty Care & Staff Relief 24 hour Personal Care and Response Guarantee Continuity of Caregivers Assist with Independent Living at Home

11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org

Submitted by Jimbo

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.

They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE $7 HAIR CUTS!" Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX $7 HAIR CUTS".

Out ’n About at Day’s Jewelers in Auburn Tyler is so tall you can put my voice bubble right above my head.

Shopping for jewelry?

Well yeah!

Linda Arel, Jessica Campbell & Kelly Ryder

Kim Beth, Tyler Barnies & Mykayla McCann

Blind Date Submitted by Thomas Hill

"How was your blind date?"

"Terrible! She showed up in a 1932 RollsRoyce."

"What’s so terrible about that?"

“She was the original owner."

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How convenient!

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.

Auburn Exchange Club’s 39th Annual Twin Cities

GUN SHOW SAT. MARCH 28th 9-4 SUN. MARCH 29th 9-3 at the

SWEET HEARTS!

Lou & Connie Clavet Old Orchard 45 years ago

Tammy Clavet-Bureau & Marc Bureau in Las Vegas 17 years ago

Lewiston Armory Central Ave., Lewiston

Dealers from throughout d New Englan

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC • 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items

Maria Carbone & Jesse Burlock

• Firearm Laws Will Be Observed • CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUE GUNS OF ALL KINDS • KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS

Admission: Adults: $8 Children under 12: Free with adult When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

Richard Patrie & Melissa Ann Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 29

CA LL TH E P R O S Assisted Home Care II “Our Family Assisting Your Family”

Now Hiring Stylist!

es to the Now expanding our servic Midcoast Region! re about See page 28 to learn mo the services we offer.

Apply within

11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org

• Driveways • Patios • Walkways

Paul Mitchell Focus Salon 954 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 241-0205

Ou Gift Ca r rd great V s make alentin e’s gifts!

• Porches • Steps • Poolscapes

Affordable Office Solutions | 550 Lisbon St., Lewiston cubiclesinmaine.com | 783-4820 or Toll Free 866-464-CUBE

$AVE on Your Heating Bills!

FREE Consult ation

FREE Heating System Inspection & Evaluation CALL TODAY! 485-7357

34 Center St. Auburn

Ray Hurilla Plumbing & Heating 207-485-7357

333-3069

RayHurillaPlumbingandHeating.com

yourbestskinofmaine.com

Like us on

1761 Lisbon Road, Lewiston Specializing in Straight Razor Blade Cuts & Hot Lather Shaves

(next to the Elks Lodge)

956-1793 Hours: Tues - Fri 10am - 5pm Sat 10am - 1pm

• Botox & Fillers • Spider Vein Removal • Rosacea Treatment • Spot Fat Reduction • Tattoo Removal • Reduce Wrinkles, Spots & Scars • Acne Treatment • Laser & Hydra Facial MD Treatments

Bookkeeping Plus QuickBooks Classes Offered Bookkeeping Services 9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124

I could hide for days in the laundry hamper because no one in my house knows how to open the lid.

How young can you die of old age? – Steven Wright Presented by:

Local Music Line-up

SWEET HEARTS!

FRIDAY FREE FOR ALL Live on the air every Friday 4–5pm.

Tune into Z105.5FM

JOE BRIEN

BROOKE LACHANCE February 6th

February 13th

EAB International

COLON BLOW

WALTER WEYMOUTH

(music line-up)

February 20th

February 27th

A special thanks to Eddie Boucher of

Pam Ashby & Brian Craig

Cheryl & Pete Godin “I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.” – Bridger Winegar Located in the building behind Dad’s Place

Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm

MORE FOR YOUR $$

(closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)

DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION 23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551

Get more for your returns at Dad’s!

Rachel Flannery & Michael Harrington

Dad’s Redemption

on all 5¢ returns with this coupon. (must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)

✃

es v i r D Bottle me!

Welco

6¢

UAD expires 2.28.15

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

Paul & Anita Gagne

Backfired

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Submitted by Jimbo

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mommy?"

10% OFF Your First Snow Plowing Commercial & Residential

SNOW PLOWING • SANDING & SALTING FREE QUOTES

SNOW REMOVAL

Morin avating exc

Inc.

Andy Morin 207.784.8293 cell: 207.576.4714 amorinexc@roadrunner.com

Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

Patti Gagne of the Patti Gagne Agency accepts the Ray Geiger Award

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

(flanked by Chip Morrison, Matt Jancovic & Clif Greim) Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME

Family Ties Submitted by Thomas Hill

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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783-7039

In Celebration of Chinese New Year!

All take-out orders will receive a Red Envelope with $ in it! The 50th take-out order will have a $50.00 Live Gift Certificate in their envelope!

Vale Enterta in n Book tines Ev ment 5% of all Take-Out Orders Rese ening! will be donated to the Toda rvations y!

Auburn Knights of Columbus

730 Center Street, Auburn • Auburn Plaza • 376-4855 •

jasminecafemaine.com

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

What do birdies see when they faint?

Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet

Brian Craig & Pam Ashby Uncle Andy’s Digest

I wonder what I’m thinking...

What do butterflies feel when they're in love?

JT Reid’s Gun Show & Auction Saturday April 11th 9am - 4pm Sunday April 12th 9am - 2pm Elks Lodge, 108 Odlion Road in Bangor

Thomas Hill Uncle Andy’s Digest

Tim loves being married to the total package.

Gun Show - $5/per person Auction - Sat. at 6pm (Under 16 & Active Military FREE)

Concealed Firearms Prohibited even with permit

Maine Law Enforcement Confiscated Firearms and Estate Firearms*

*Now Accepting Personal & Estate Firearms for Auction.

Call JT Reids Gun Shop 777-3579 • 86 Court St. Auburn • jtreidsgunshop.com

Tim & Vickie Rucker Uncle Andy’s Digest

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2015

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Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet Quite honestly, I believe the Patriots deserve an apology.

A closed mind is a good thing to lose.

SWEET HEARTS!

Justin

& Cou Vince rtney nt

en Dr. Ch Auburn

& Lily

Chen

entistry

Plaza D

Art Chamberlain Modern Woodmen of America Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME

Jonathon & rgin Sheena Bu Lisa &

Nath Boldu an c Shannon & Greg Webster

Laurie Ouellette Sweet Pea Designs Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME

mith & Shane S iley Sarah Da

Kelli Gilzow & Chad Stowell

xim-BarHeather Ma Barnett nett & Mark e 1999 sweethearts

sinc

Bonnie Daryl & n Caro

Kohen Steele Don’s Automotive Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME

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Tiffany & Casey

Victoria Rogers & Kevin McBea n

I saw a sign that said "seeing eye dogs only" who is supposed to read this, the dog?

RETAIL • WHOLESALE • REDEMPTION • LIQUOR STORE 5 Locations for Your Convenience

ATM’s onsite & Lottery/Megabucks!

ERST. OP RO ON S ng i B LIS Sell ! w uor o N iq L

Sabattus Street, Lewiston

Lisbon Street, Lewiston

Main Street, Auburn

New Walk-in Soda Cooler!

WHAT’S BREWING AND ALWAYS NEW YOUR BETTER BEER PIONEERS Minot Ave, Auburn

Beer Specials Shipyard 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 Sam Adams 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 PBR 18pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11.99 Bud & Bud Light 18pks 16oz . . . . . . .$14.99 Miller Lite & Coors Light 18pk 12oz . .$14.99 Shock Top 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10.99 Woodchuck 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12.99 Long Trail 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99

Wine Specials Noble Vines 750ml . . . . . . . . . .$8.99-$12.99 Bota Box 3L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$16.99 Twisted 1.5L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$18.99 Josh 750ml . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12.99 Robert Mondavi 750ml . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99

Since 1992

Main Street, Lewiston

Dr. McGillicuddy’s 1.75 $19.99 Save $6

HPNOYIQ 750ml $16.99 Save $5

Ryan’s Cream 750ml $9.99 Save $3

Jack Daniels 750ml $21.99 Save $3

Pallini Limoncello 750ml $17.99 Save $5

Soda

Ole Smokey Moonshine All Varietals 750ml $22.99 Save $3

Coke 12oz. 6pks . . . . . . . . .$1.79 or 2/$3.00

694 Main St. Lewiston • 782-1482

794 Sabattus St. Lewiston • 783-6353

1420 Lisbon St. Lewiston • 333-3095

545 Minot Ave. Auburn • 783-2047

303-311 Main St. Auburn • 783-9098

Wannabe

If you mix flour, water and salt you get glue. If you add eggs, baking powder and oil, you get cake. Where does the glue go?

Submitted by Jimbo

Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983

"Why did the foreman fire you?" the friend asked in surprise.

$10 OFF ANY Service with Coupon!

"Oh," Peter said, "you know how foremen are.

They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work."

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

We can do it: • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

"We all know that," replied his friend. "But why did he let you go?"

"Jealousy," answered Peter. "All the other workers thought I was the foreman."

OUR TIRES

60 Minot Ave., Auburn • 782-6666 or 783-2026

A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood. – Chinese proverb

Join us for some Affordable FUN! $

10 up to 48 cards - Games pay $50 - $100 Sunday at 6:00PM Wed., Thurs, & Friday at 6:30PM

Pleasant Street Bingo Hall 475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394

THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS 1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn

784-8587 or (888) 895-6801 AndroscogginOrtho.com

TOWNLINE ANTIQUES Buying & Selling

837-3784 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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“If you're only as old as you feel, how come I can't retire yet?” – Robin Alumbaugh

all

te a r b C e le i ne’s nt e l a V at d n e k We e ac’s !

M Come watch your favorite sporting event in our brand new 1,300 sq. ft. bar area.

11 TV’s • 16 beers on tap Full menu all the time!

Mac’s Grill 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885

20% O Bu r ge r f f Mo s e v nda e r y y!

a l l 30% O dra f ts f f Mo e n d a ve r y y!

Call Mac’s for all your catering needs!

Bring your sweetheart to Mac’s, you’ll LOVE it!

macsgrill.com

Generation Gap

If the world is spinning so quickly why don't we all get dizzy?

Submitted by Jimbo

I've got 3 TVs, cable and a satellite dish. I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone and one in the car.

SWEET HEARTS!

I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch both the local and the network news every evening.

Cullen, Christine & Gabby Walker

And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.

Looking Good Submitted by Thomas Hill

Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven’t changed in 20 years."

ddon & Kim Ha oirier P William

Bill, Stacy, Emily & AJ Redmun Abigail L 'Heureux & Danielle P elletier

"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn’t look like this 20 years ago."

Buckle Up Submitted by Jimbo

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

Trevor Saunders & Pam Ashby (mom)

Jimbo & Su Marsto e n

Amy Wa silk & Nate P owski eterson

She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

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Ernie & Patti Gagne, Father Paul Dumais, Monique & Andy Gagne Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Do not neglect your Septic System

Service Rental Sales

Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME

Gettin’ with the Times

For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

Jen Pike, Erica Madore & Ashley Somma Jen & Ashley are with Twin City Times, Erica represents Austin Associates

I hate audio correct!

Goin’ Dental

Chelsea Letourneau & friends of Center Street Dental

Twitter is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke'.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Now’s the time to quit smoking...

Try

136 Sabattus Rd, Sabattus • 577-0468

10% OFF with this ad Limit one per person per visit

Exp. 2.28.15

Ron & Marge Partridge Owners of Dons Automotive accepted the Lisbon Business of the Year Award from Joyce Gibson

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.

Isn't that handy?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 39

“Thought is free.” — William Shakespeare

SWEET HEART

Here are our

We had an incredible response to our social media call out for sweethearts to send us their photos. As you can see the Digest is full of them. These 3 couples were randomly chosen as winners of our prize packages. All 3 will get the same package: A Wind & Fire bracelet from:

A goodie bag from:

Romance Boutique Gift certificate from:

1/2 Dozen Chocolate covered Strawberries from:

$5 Gift card from:

Maine Gourmet Chocolates

Top It Frozen Yogurt Bar

Congratulations!

Whitney & Michael Lovely with their children, Bailey & Brody

Mandy Cote & Justin Audette Getting married in June

These three lucky couples will be contacted to pick up their prize packages.

Thank you to everyone who participated. We had a great time with it! And thank you to the sponsoring businesses who donated prizes!!

The team at Uncle Andy’s Digest

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783-7039

Mikayla Welch & Tim Myers We’re sure she said yes!

I have no issue with people who have let themselves go, it’s the people who have let themselves stay that bother me.

WINNERS!

WHEN YOU’RE TIRED OF THIS...

GIVE US A CALL!

Fully I ns Free Q ured uotes

Servicing the Mechanic Falls, Minot & Poland areas.

JMAR PLOWING Reasonable Rates

576-4844

With age comes wisdom. Apparently, wisdom weighs about 30 pounds.

The cleanest dog will roll on the dirtiest thing- it's science.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

You’re Old Submitted by Thomas Hill

Calling All Lovers Join us for dinner Valentine’s Weekend

Her college assignment was to interview an "old person" about his life, so my niece asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?"

"I’d have to say the first moonwalk," I replied.

She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"

Village Inn, 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com Sometimes I feel like a #1 pencil at a standardized test location.

Q: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A: No time at all, it is already built.

Make Your reservations NOW!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2015

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Out ’n About at Day’s Jewelers in Auburn

I’m exhausted. I spent all day saying “no” to my children and “yes” to my wife.

y & friends il m fa re e h w e c la Ap cheer & d o fo d o o g r fo r gathe at great prices!

Catered by Dad’s Place

Every Sunday: 12” Cheese Pizza - only $5.99 $ 5 well Bloody Mary’s!

Stop in and try one of our Daily Specials!!

782-2135 Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9pm Sun. 11am - 5pm

Yvonne Franklin Let us cater your next event, party or wedding!

Artesian 735L Spa • • • •

Energy Efficiency Package 5-6 Seats w/Lounger LED Lighting Upgrade Ozonator * Used as display at

ONLY $4,999 (Retails @ $7,499)

2 Home Shows

2010 Lisbon Rd. Lewsiton • 782-1514 • premierpoolsandspas.com

. . . s e m o Welc Dustin Torres, Goldsmith

Larry Roy aka DAD, serves hors d'oeuvres to happy shoppers Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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February 2015

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Dustin has 10 yrs experience in the Jewelry Industry!

Specializing in Handmade Jewelry 600 Center St. • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 784-6766 • www.DaysJewelers.com If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?

A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Out ’n About at Day’s Jewelers in Auburn Catered by Dad’s Place What a great turn out for our Customer Appreciation night. Thank you, everyone!

Mark Poulin Manager of Day’s Jewelers

Action may not always be happiness, but there is no happiness without action.

Service with a smile and bacon! (wrapped scallops).

F E E L I N G L U C K Y ?

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Sue Marston Dad’s Place Catering

Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A: Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Watch our Facebook page for our upcoming St. Patrick’s Day contest with fabulous prizes and possibly a pot of gold.

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Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet

Why aren’t unripened oranges called greens?

Shawn’s Lawns can’t come soon enough!

Shawn & Tanya Cornish

10:00am–event begins 4:00-6:00pm–Poker Hands being dealt/dinner 6:00pm–Fireworks display Trails running through Sabattus, Lewiston, Greene, Leeds and Turner, Maine.

Event to conclude at Glen Dube’s Excavation in Sabattus.

Jimbo Marston & Kurk Lalemand of Next Level Business Coaching

Betsy Libby & Jean Blais Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME

Q: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A: Very large hands.

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February 2015

783-7039

Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

Enthusiasm can be like a fire that needs an occasional poke with a stick.

Out ’n About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston with live music by The Whiskey Militia

High five right here, girlfriend!

Just wanna say Hi to all my peeps.

Q: How does a squid go into battle?

A: Well armed

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.” – Steven Wright

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“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you.” – Mary Bly

Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair

Picks • Strings Tuners Metronomes

Authorized Fender Service Center 376-3376 8 teachers offering lessons in: Guitar, piano, bass, voice, banjo, mandolin, violin, brass & woodwinds & music theory

We carry quality new & used instruments • Call us for service on any instrument that needs repair.

CALL NOW TO BOOK YOUR LESSONS 134 Main Street, Auburn • 376-3376 • www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com

Time Traveler

The truth is out there. Anybody got the URL?

Submitted by Thomas Hill

If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today?

One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”

Any Make... Any Model... Any Problem...

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required • Fully warranteed & certified • $60/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

333-0364

Walk-ins Welcome

We’re now at 61 Mill Street in New Auburn

hwilliamsbarber.com

740-6316

(in the old Pontbriand Hardware building)

10 CUTS

$

61 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-6927 or 1-800-834-5706 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 • MySelco.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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February 2015

Brad’s mechanics: (front) Dan & Mallory (back) Marek, Eli & John

Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word.

Come see us at our NEW Location!

46

We love power tools!

783-7039

184 Turner St. Auburn (Next to Coastal T-shirts)

Hours: Tue. Wed. Fri. 8-4 Thurs. 8-5 • Sat. 8-12

“You might be a redneck if… you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.” – Jeff Foxworthy

“You might be a redneck if… you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.” – Jeff Foxworthy

The Perfect Valentine’s Gift

Out ’n About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston with live music by The Whiskey Militia

We are your cleaning solution!

• Excellent References, Dependable & Trustworthy • Complete Home & Office Cleaning • Move-ins & Move-outs, Construction Clean-up • Daily, Weekly & Monthly Programs Locally Owned & Operated • Satisfaction Guaranteed

FREE Estimates • Reasonable Rates

Call Chrissy TODAY!

Sponsor

This is my other good side.

Your Sweetheart deserves the gift of

RELAXATION 185 Webster St., Lewiston • 783-0200

Get her a Gift Certificate for the Best Spa Pedicure in L/A! Valentine Ball Updo Special!

Book with Debbie (Basic Updo starts @ $25)

An IMPOSSIBLE Brain Teaser Answers to puzzle on page 18.

For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.

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Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet

“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” – Tom Peters

Shawn’s Lawns can’t come soon enough!

Shawn & Tanya Cornish

Jimbo Marston & Kurk Lalemand of Next Level Business Coaching

If there's so much laborsaving machinery, why don't we have more free time?

Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet

Betsy Libby & Jean Blais Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME

By the time the wedding planner finally bothered to order the flowers there were none left.

The service ended up being quite lackadaisical.

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Gary & Elaine Hemenway Owners of Payroll Management accept the Business Leadership Award, presented by Robin Robbins & Hillary Dow. Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME

“Common sense is not so common.” — Voltaire

“Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.” — Warren Buffett

Enjoy Valentine’s Day at Dine with us on Valentine’s Night and you will be entered to win our Romantic Package for Two:

Out ’n About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston with live music by The Whiskey Militia

It’s easy to get lost in a sea of people...

• Dinner for Two at Sea40 • Overnight Stay w/Breakfast at the Hilton Garden Riverwatch • One-hour massage for two at Cassiel’s Day Spa • Bouquet of Roses from Sweet Pea Designs All reservations made before Feb. 12th will be entered to win this drawing. Winner will be announced on Sea40’s Facebook page on the morning of Feb. 14th.

Call today for your dining engagement

795-6888 Prize will be given upon reservation check in (Sea40 has the right to cancel or amend special promotions at their discretion without notice or compensation and reserves the final right to make such decisions.)

40 East Avenue, Lewiston www.Sea40.com

Follow us on Twitter & Facebook for Promotions & Give-a-ways!

"I must remember this" I say to myself, as I instantly forget what it is.

Scott Welsh & Bill Welsh Father & son dynamic duo at Pedro’s

At the store today, when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me" apparently she was referring to my credit card!

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Pure Faith

My BFF is a Bowl of Fattening Food.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Out ’n About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas.

They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline, but the only container he had was an old bedpan.

I pick things up and put them down.

The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.

As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by.

Roland Berube, Kim Ray & Jim Laliberty For every mile of road there's two miles of ditch.

That guy from the transmission shop looks kinda shifty.

He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith!"

tine’s

Valen Happy Day

No Separating Required!

Cutting Room floor tidbits

743-3891

Now serving Lewiston & Auburn!

Call us for a FREE quote.

Serving: Norway • West Paris Minot • Mechanic Falls • Oxford & NOW Lewiston/Auburn!

70 Main Street, South Paris • harrisbrosrubbishremoval.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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Barry Morrill & Matt Drewal tried to sneak this photo into our “Sweetheart” Contest. They do make a cute couple, but the editors at UAD would have none of it.

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy; You’re welcome.

Out ’n About at

A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.

Chocolat 6th Annual Chocolate Competition

The yogurt aisle is so confusing now: It's all Greek to me.

Uncle Andy’s Digest • 783-7039 • UncleAndys.com • editor@UncleAndys.com

All of the above with one phone call!

at the Green Ladle Lewiston HS Campus

Rolly Blais & Mary Bolduc Rolly’s Diner

Austin Perrault Central Maine Community College

Megan Labbe & Tamara Morgan Green Ladle students

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Out ’n About at

Chocolat 6th Annual Chocolate Competition at the Green Ladle (LRTC), Lewiston HS Campus

Michele Bisbee & Daisy Taylor Bates College

The Digest is awesome! I look forward to it every month!!

Annette Roy Chocolat Lover Her 6th year attending (and working)!

Ladies Tees

We had social networking back in the day. It was called “go outside and play”.

Submitted by Jimbo

A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt.

Chocolat

Out ’n About at 6th Annual Chocolate Competition

Sadie Blais, Chris Page & Jordan Blais Rolly’s Diner

Rolly’s Diner 2015: 1st Place - Display 1st Place - People’s Choice 3rd Place - Judges Choice

"Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I was with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me."

The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you.

We've had a very happy life together. I love you."

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”

The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband.

Chocolate is goooooooooood!

The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”

"Honey, I too have something to confess."

Cathy, Darren, Zayda & Xen Morse

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Rolly’s Diner

Of course women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.

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I drink coffee... for your protection.

The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything."

SAVE $1,000!

When you use your income tax return on any above ground pool

y

Sweet Februar Deal!

"Before we met, I had an operation. I used to be a man."

See store for details

The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf.

Y NOBOD BEATS OUR S! PRICE

POOL BUILDERS OF MAINE Quality Workmanship, Outstanding Service

The wife is in shock.

"But I forgave you for your secret!"

27 Year s Experie nce

1525 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-7222 • poolbuildersofmaine.com My bucket list: Ice – Wine.

Out ’n About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston

The husband, red faced, turns to her and says, "All these years!

All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheater!!"

Chocolat

Out ’n About at 6th Annual Chocolate Competition at the Green Ladle (LRTC), Lewiston HS Campus

Valerie Estabrook & Melissa Audette

Stephanie, Corrie, Lyndsay, Jerry & Jeremy Representing Maine Gourmet Chocolate & Top It Frozen Yogurt Bar

I never use my turn signal. It’s nobody’s business where I’m freakin’ going.

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Funny Classified Ads

I can rise and shine. But not at the same time.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Just Darn Good Deals

Actual Newspaper Ads and Classifieds: AMANA WASHER $100.

OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

✃

Buy any small pizza, Get second @ 1/2 price!

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTOMATIC, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6,800 TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700 FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. GERMAN SHEPHERD. 85 lbs.

NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

✃

(2nd pizza equal or lessor value) Not to be combined with other specials

Grant’s Bakery

Inside Lewiston Variety

525 Sabattus St. Lewiston

783-2226

145 College St, Lewiston • 786-0785

1/2 OFF DINNER ✃

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

GrantsBakery.com

FREE SMALL BREAD STICKS

✃

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

85 Center Street, Auburn • 784-8221 PatsAuburn.com

at the Ramada 490 Pleasant St. Lewiston • 784-2331

$

6 and Up

Here’s Your Sign!

Hand painted signs by Amy Bean

✃

$

3 OFF

✃

Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

785 Main St. Lewiston We’re more than purses!

FREE DESSERT ✃

Expires 02.28.15 (UAD)

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. FREE PUPPIES...

PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG

SAVE $1.10

1/2 PRICE PIZZA!

ANY LARGE PIZZA!

Limit one per customer per visit.

Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

Sabattus Main Street Market 2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502

✃

20% OFF Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

808 Main St. Lewiston

753-3054 KellysFabricConnection.com

40 East Ave. Lewiston • 795-6888 Sea40me.com

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Therapy helps but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper.

(continued from previous page)

I’m 99% sure you think I’m bitchy... And I’m 100% sure I don’t care.

Just Darn Good Deals ✃

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

10% OFF Total Order

GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN 89 cents lb.

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

✃

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

161 Lincoln St. Lewiston 784-7042

770 Main St. Lewiston (Marden’s Plaza)

783-4500 • SaucyPots.com

$

✃

LabadiesBakery.com

$

25 OFF

Any service of $100 or more.

1.00 OFF

Any Breakfast Pizza Just mention this ad!

Limit one per customer per visit. (UAD)

GEORGIO’S Complete Auto Care

740 Minot Ave, Auburn

783-2981

147 East Ave, Lewiston • 782-1125

✃

All-You-Can-Bowl Wednesdays 1PM – Close 2 hours only $6pp. (shoe rental extra) Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

Buy Any Meal at reg. price Get 2nd at 1/2 price

✃

49 Spring St. Auburn

784-2300

24 Mollison Way, Lewiston • 786-2695

AuburnLibraryCafe.com

Sparetimerec.com

FREE ✃

($15 value) w/

every $ 50 purchase

w/ coupon; (Must be 18 years old)

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 2.15.15 (UAD)

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN - FROST FREE! FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS 1 AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100 TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR..

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

The Library Cafe

Adult Goodie Bag

CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER

myGeorgios.com

BerubesAutoCare.com

BOTTOMLESS BOWLING

CHARMIN ULTRA BATHROOM TISSUEBONELESS

$

It must be my birthday or something...

3 OFF ✃

Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

Dad’s Place 675 Main St, Lewiston • 804-615-7451

23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

If life’s a journey, mine is between the fridge and the computer.

Katelyn Ingerson & Sidney Hill Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2015

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Hey Tim, quiz time: What is it the Digest does better than anyone else?

The only way I'm going to drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.

Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm Fri. by appointment Jimbo

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit with results that you will be proud to show off.

Visit us at our state of the art office at:

730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

783-1351 Same Day Emergency Care Well Jimbo, that list is pretty long... but getting businesses top of mind awareness at an affordable price is a good place to start!

We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com Tim Rucker

Check out our NEWLY Designed website: UncleAndys.com