UAD December 2014

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

The Best Things in Life are...

The Most Unusual Digest in America

FREE

December 2014

Winter is HERE!

Remote Starters $199/up 1009 Center St., Auburn • 333-3390

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Purchase a gift card and receive an additional 20% on that card! *Must present ad • Expires 12.24.14

Armandsab@aol.com

Sir Lancelot once had a very bad dream about his horse. It was a knight mare.

How to Tell if You're a Grinch Submitted by WEP • You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.

• You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.

• You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. If you dressed an endangered species, that’s even better!

• You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.

• You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in an L.L. Bean or other prestige box to impress your friends.

• You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day.

• At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home.

• After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2014

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How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

December 2014 Wednesday, Dec 3rd Grid Iron 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 14346) 1567 Lisbon St. Lewiston $7 Member; $8 Guest Sunday, Dec 7th Flagship Cinema (Chapter 10589) Lewiston/Auburn $3.50 Member; $5 Guest Sunday, Dec 7th Sabattus American Legion Breakfast 7:30 – 10am Island Rd, Sabattus $5 Member; $6 Guest Tuesday, Dec 9th Sam’s Noon – 7pm (Chapter 12749) Marketplace Mall, Lewiston $2.50 Member; $4.50 Guest Wednesday, Dec 17th Rolly’s Diner 7am – 10am (Chapter 12907) 87 Mill St, Auburn $3 Member; $4 Guest Thursday, Dec 18th Schemengees 4pm – 7 pm (Chapter 14437) 551 Lincoln St, Lewiston $7 Member; $9 Guest

Dick Courtemanche 207-786-3622 Lewiston

Art Chamberlain 207-514-7003 Lewiston

Paul Colasante* 207-782-8823 Lewiston

Michael Courtemanche* 207-783-8921 Lewiston

Forest Cluff* 207-725-4606 Brunswick

Ron Ouellette* 207-786-3612 Lewiston

Kim Pelkey* 207-786-2573 Lewiston/Norway

Deb Wagemann* 207-783-8804 Auburn

*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.

Be naughty – save Santa the trip.

Tuesday, Dec 30th Roy’s 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 8609) Washington St, Auburn $2.50 Member; $4 Guest

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed.

************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com

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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

Staff JIMBO

Why does Christmas come when the stores are always so crowded?

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES Affordable Dentures Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Also see us for:

First in the Oven

TIM Brace the Bank

MAGGIE Facebook Fan

THOMAS Forty-Something

PAM

• Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Partial Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs • All work done in house, including metal frameworks

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted We also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare Provider

FREE CONSULTATIONS

Perfectly Posh

GENE-O Driving Ms. Daisy

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 EMAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com Or email us at: smileagaindentures@gmail.com

UncleAndysDigest.com While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2014

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Tolkien enjoyed writing fairy tales so much it became a Hobbit.

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

Thomas to Jimbo: I always give 100% at work: 12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday.

“Honey, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand!” – Homer Simpson

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com

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Out ’n About at Feztival of Trees at the Kora Temple in Lewiston

Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

Upscale Comfort Food and Home Style Hospitality in a Historically Distinct Setting.

Our menu features a modern twist on traditional Lewiston & Auburn favorites, alongside innovative railroad inspired comfort food dishes.

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• Locally Owned • Thoughtfully Sourced • Made from Scratch • Maine Craft Artisans

103 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 333-3070 • RailsMaine.com Monday - Thursday 11am - 9pm; Friday & Saturday 11am - 11pm; Sunday 10am - 2pm

Jimbo to Maggie: Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

One of the dozens of Christmas trees expertly decorated.

That new Uncle Andy’s Digest sales guy is out ‘n about almost as much as I am!

Chip Morrison Androscoggin Chamber President Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2014

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Santa Sighting at the Kora Temple’s Feztival of Trees I shouldn't have plugged my iPhone in in the kitchen. It's now in the sync.

The door just broke, I could fix it, but it hinges on other things.

Mardi Gras style Barber Shop

Brian Bickford

We Would Like To Thank Our Community for 27 Great Years With These Great Offers!

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2010 Lisbon Rd. Lewiston • 782-1514 • premierpoolsandspas.com He was so skinny, his shoulder-blade kept cutting his shirts.

What sets Brian’s Barber Shop apart from others is its “traditional New Orleans” theme. The owner, Brian Bickford has lived in New Orleans where he at first earned a meager living as a street musician until receiving his cosmetology license in Louisiana. Brian acquired a great love for New Orleans culture during his time living there, and as a result decided to bring some of that culture back home with him to share with his customers.

Upon entering Brian’s Barber Shop, one will immediately notice the traditional Mardi Gras Colors (green, gold and purple) that set the color scheme of the shop. On the walls are an assortment of Mardi Gras masks, posters, photos of Brian when in New Orleans as well as when he played saxophone in a rock band, plus his pride and joy, a ceramic alligator named “Coco”.

Upon his discharge from the Navy in 1990, Brian used his GI bill to complete cosmetology school and has worked in that industry in Michigan, Louisiana, and Texas. Being that his true passion is for cutting hair, since moving back to Maine he attended barber college and obtained his barber license. Brian also holds an American Crew Method 01 certification and now offers a large variety of haircuts in today’s trendy styles for men!

Brian’s Barber Shop is located at 1761 Lisbon Road (Beside the Elk’s Lodge) in Lewiston. Call 956-1793. Check out Brian’s Barber Shop on Facebook! See his ad on page 30.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com

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Out ’n About with some local celebrities

My carpenter came round the other day, and made the best entrance I have ever seen.

Bah humbug!

Rick Lachapelle

Jeremy Caron

Hi Shelby!

Dr. David Baker Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2014

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You know what I find odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, the light bulb you remove & the light bulb you replace it with.

Family Trees

PICK UP ’N GO FOODS AT DAD’S PLACE

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A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

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The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

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The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

See our coupons on the “Just Darn Good Deals” page

Dad’s Place

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

I put deodorant on one armpit only... I don't smell half bad.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com

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Change The following words were written on the tomb of an Anglican bishop in the crypts of Westminster Abbey: When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though, because nobody likes a smart-ass.

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But it too seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

– Author Unknown Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2014

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Make-up

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And now as I lay on my deathbed, I suddenly realize if I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.

From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world.

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www.cassiels.com 71 EAST AVENUE • LEWISTON

(207) 783-3321 Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Specials

Did you hear about the limo driver who worked for 25 years without one customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

782-0831

FLOORING & KITCHEN

Mon. - Fri. 8am - 5pm Sat. 8am - 4pm

675 Main Street, Lewiston • ShermArnolds.com

10% OFF All Kitchen Cabinets & Countertops!

’Tis the Season to Remodel Your Kitchen!

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!

Our NEW OUTLET STORE My son seems to think my money and my energy are both renewable resources.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

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Out ’n About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli in Auburn

Ladies and gentlemen, I have made a decision. That’s it. Just thought you should know.

It doesn’t happen every day.

Brent!

Wake up!!

Kirstie Acker Huh, what?!

Oh, it’s time to make the donuts!

Brent Cary Husband: A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the 24th of December to do his Christmas shopping.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2014

783-7039

Come to the Dark Side... we have cookies.

All the so-called "secrets of success" will not work unless you do.

Honesty. Tenacity. Courage.

Realistic Solutions for Your Legal Needs!

Ask About Home Visits!

We specialize in: Litigation, Divorce, Family Matters, Evictions for Landlords, Estate Planning & Court-Appointed matters.

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The Law Offices of Kimberly A. Levesque, Esq.

207-440-2130 87 Essex Street, Lewiston If you do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.

Out ’n About at Sea 40 on Halloween

Downsizing Submitted by Thomas Hill

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of this season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels, the Internet, and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa’s market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of profits.

The downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer–who will retrain at the Harvard Business School is anticipated.

Reduction in reindeer will lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed.

Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.

I yelled at Santa and he gave me a spanking and put me in the naughty chair.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

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Out ’n About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli in Auburn I wonder what Michele will get me for Christmas?

Tim to Jimbo: I've reached the age where “happy hour” is a nap.

Pick a Proven Winner Choosing a Real Estate Agent can be difficult.

Choose one with a proven track record!

Rollie Heckethorn:

Rollie Heckethorn

Office: 729-7297 Cell: 344-0007

• Licensed in Real Estate since 1988 • Past President of the Androscoggin Board of Realtors • 2014 AVBOR Realtor of the Year • Assisting buyers & sellers of residential, commercial & investment properties all over the state of Maine

Winter is coming, get your vehicle ready!

Call for your appointment...

Karleigh Eccles Karleigh, we’re supposed to get the boss lady a gift.

Now let’s focus here!

782-5500

Towing Discounts with shop repairs

Auto Repair • Brakes • Engines • Suspension & More Body Work • Collision Repairs • Complete Re-sprays • Custom Paint

& More!

FINALLY! 845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn

777-3339

BreAnna Witten The junior librarian was reincarnated as a bookmark because he always knew his place.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2014

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REMOTE STARTERS 216 Center Street, Auburn

Next to Republic Jewelry, Parking in back of building

soundeffectsmaine.com I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.

How is soy sauce black and soy milk white when soybeans are green?

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Don’t spend $18+ at the beauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS for $

12

Out ’n About at Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli in Auburn See what I have to deal with?

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

Going Out of Business Sale!

Everything Must Go! Super Deals on All Remaining Ready-Made Frames, Prints, Matte Board and More!

Equipment & Supplies, Too!

Call Today! or Stop In 23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333

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n Skate: School Vacatio 1:30 - 4pm rd & 30th 23 Dec. ’s Day as & New Year Closed Christm 30-10pm 7: + 20 ts - Ages Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 - All Skating 7: Friday Nights 4pm nday - 1:30 Saturday & Su t 7:30 - 10pm gh ts - Family Ni Saturday Nigh 30 - 10pm - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night

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Reflecting after celebrating our 8th Anniversary...

We still have fun!

Fridays & Saturdays 10am-4pm

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Becky Davis

Since 1954

Where Good Skaters Meet

Merryas!

Christm 12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

Michele Tribou I don't like the tops of stairs. They always bring me down.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 15

Riddle Me This

I don't know what it is either, but it was on sale.

Submitted by Jimbo

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

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In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.

Don’t Let The Grinch Steal Your Holiday!

Call Dane, Ken or Michele today!

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer: Get off the merry-go-round!

Office Party Submitted by Thomas Hill

Myra was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new party dress.

In the clothing store she asked, “May I try on that dress in the window, please?”

“Certainly not, miss,” responded the salesgirl, “You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2014

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Great Falls Federal Credit Union 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 *Restrictions & qualification apply

www.GreatFallsfcu.com Panic is like stress with boundary issues.

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

Season’s Greetings Family Friendly Dentist ~ Right in Your Backyard ~ Serving Poland & Surrounding Areas Since 1997

Accepting New Patients!

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”

James F. Weigand, DDS General Dentistry 364 Maine Street Poland Spring • 998-4587 (Located at the Poland Community Health Center at the Corner of Rt. 26 & 122) Monday - Thursday 8am - 5pm

Most Insurances Accepted

It’s almost 11PM here and I’m still not rich.

Weird.

– Shirley Temple

My BFF is a Bowl of Fattening Food.

Season’s Greetings from THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS 1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn

784-8587 or (888) 895-6801 AndroscogginOrtho.com

All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

A Full Service Salon 1117 Center St., Auburn (behind Met Life) • 784-3522 People say I'm lazy. I say I'm at peace with the world.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 17

My doctor is worried about my blood pressure. I told him, next time, don't leave me sitting in the waiting room for 2 hours.

134 Main St., Auburn

376-3376

Gift Certificate www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com

Authorized Service Center

Main &St. Music Lessons Instrument Repair Give the Gift of Music

GIFT CERTIFICATES AVAILABLE! Qualified

Why adopt a highway? I already drive like I own the road.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

NOW A STATE INSPECTION STATION!

Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective fatherin-law. “Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor.

NO PROBLEM!

“Yes, Sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.”

Brad’s Precision Auto

“Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father.

“There are twelve of us…”

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Front Row L to R: Mallory & Dan Middle Row: Penny, Marek, John, Eli & Gavin Back Row: Sarah, Brad, Ryan & Steve

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

333-0364

I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it.

Come see us at our NEW Location!

Our Gift

We’re now at 61 Mill Street in Auburn

to You

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61 Mill Street, Auburn • 783-6927 or 1-800-834-5706 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 • MySelco.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2014

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My retirement plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.

Me: Who's a good boy? Dog: I thought we settled this.

*Holiday Special*

Ship Any Bakery Item to Family & Friends & Receive 20% OFF Your Online Orders!

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Take Home For The Holidays Our Famous Mini Pastry Platters

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Buy 1 dozen donuts at regular price ($7.50) and get the 2nd dozen at half price! $

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Mon. 6am-noon Tues-Fri 6am-3pm

784-7042

LabadiesBakery.com

Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.

Feeding Time Submitted by Jimbo

It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service. “Well”, said the clergyman “'I guess there's no point in having a service today.”

I have a new found respect for the Massachusetts Police Dept.

Thank you ENPRO Services for the tickets, they were amazing seats!

Great seats!

Thanks, dad!!

“Well that's not how I see it,” said the farmer.

“If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.”

Ireland, Jason & Aiden Hall at Gillette Stadium for a Patriots game

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

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Opposites

I don’t know which I’m asking my son to change more, his attitude or his underwear.

Submitted by Jimbo

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, at Christmas time their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

Merry Christmas from all of us!

M

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Limit one per customer (UAD) Expires 12.31.14

I use single quotes instead of double quotes because I only mean half of what I say.

Congratulations to Oak Hill High School Back to Back Class D State Champs!

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2014

783-7039

I would have brought change if I had known that the road to success was a toll road.

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Out ’n About at Androscoggin Orthodontics We like to make a great first impression

Brandy (warrior princess)

& Doreen (impression whisperer) Clinical Assistants

Breaking up is hard to do. Have to unfriend, de-Google+, ex-Pinterest, unfollow, de-list, uninstagram, and LinkOut.

Logistically speaking, my job is all in the details.

WINTER WELLNESS Purchase a Package during the month of December & Kick off your 2015 with SPRQ! Wellness Packages run January thru April!

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181 Sabattus Road, Sabattus • 375-6000 • SPRQStudio.com

My son has been playing a popular trading game at school. It’s called the Cold and Flu. Why can’t he just play soccer like other kids?

Nikki Logistics Administrator

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 21

Ouellette Promoted

I’m dating the girl across the street. I know what people say, but honestly, lawn distance relationships aren't that hard.

Winter Hours: Mon. - Sun 9am - 10pm

BRING US ALONG FOR THE HOLIDAYS!

Catherine Ouellette Community Credit Union is pleased to announce the promotion of Catherine Ouellette to Card Services Coordinator from New Accounts Representative/Operations Support. Ouellette has been with Community Credit Union for three years.

She participates in various Credit Union events such as the Heart Walk and Community Recycle Day. In her free time Ouellette enjoys fourwheeling. She currently lives in Auburn.

Community Credit Union is a member-owned, full service financial institution that has been serving its members and Androscoggin County since 1945. Community Credit Union has branches located at 144 Pine Street, Lewiston and 40 Stanley Street, Auburn. A new location on Route 4 in Turner will be opening soon.

For more info, log onto communitycreditunion.com See their ad on page 8.

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.”

Buy 3 Large Size Meatballs

Mini

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Meatballs $5/dozen

Now Serving Beer & Wine Check out our Catering Menu online 63 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

782-0701

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com I had an account with a bank in the North Pole, but they froze all my assets.

Out ’n About at Feztival of Trees at the Kora Temple in Lewiston

I think it’s time I demand to be put on the Uncle Andy’s Digest payroll...

Jessica Siderio, Susan Lindkvist, Matthew Shaw & Mary Martin

– Tom Sims Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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December 2014

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The divers had to be careful, the octopus was heavily armed.

In-laws are merger acquisitions.

Mid Maine M Drug Screening & Investigations Full Service Drug Testin ng Company & Private Investigator

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“I know I’m not gonna understand women. I will never understand how you can take boiling-hot wax, pour it on to your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root – and still be afraid of a spider.”

– Jerry Seinfeld Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 23

Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s 20

th

Best Chinese Restaurant:

Y O U R

Chopsticks

20

37 Park St., Lewiston • 783-6300

Best Auto Body Shop in the area: 1524 Minot Ave., Auburn • 784-6121

19

A R E I N

8

Best Breakfast Place: 87 Mill Street Auburn 753-0171

17

775 Washington St N, Auburn • 784-2110

Mary Jane’s School of Dance

15

Best Convenience Store:

675 Main St. Lewiston • 946-7302

484 Center St., Auburn • 622-1609

Best Automotive Service:

Best Chiropractor:

95 Lincoln St., Lewiston • 786-2020

House of Pizza

99 Spring St., Lewiston 784-1819

St. Hilaire 6 Contractors

Best Prime Rib 13

775 Washington St N, Auburn • 784-2110

6

Best Facial/Skin Care Salon:

Best Banquet Facility: Inn & Conference Center

13

Best Landscape Company:

12

78 Lisbon St, Lisbon 353-4848

5

Healthy Beauty 486 Sabattus St., Wellness Spa Lewiston • 333-3235 Best Eye Care Professionals:

Optometric Associates

5

Dr. Pauline Beale, Dr. Douglas Henry, Dr. Stephen Ebersole

168 East Ave., Lewiston (784-3564)

Best Burger:

Best Insurance Agency: 10

541 Lisbon St, Lewiston, • 784-4029 Vote online at: BESTOFSURVEYS.COM

6

Best Roofing Contractor:

Lewiston

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

#

6

336 Center St., Auburn • 777-1104

Best Casual Restaurant:

490 Pleasant St, Lewiston 330-3775

7

6

Dr. Gerald Nadeau

14

Best Pizza: 13

DINER

391 Main St., Lewiston • 784-5435

Best Dance Studio:

1122 Center St, Auburn • 753-0433

Rolly’s

Best Community Bank/Credit Union:

17

Bilodeau Insurance Indicates number of years as winner.

9

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

#1 In Dining Excellence:

V O T E S

1975 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 783-0858

Best Sports Pub:

#1 Jeweler in the area: 600 Center St., Auburn • 784-6766

Best Pool & Spa Company:

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

5

Market Surveys of America, an independent survey com Best Businesses for 2014 Survey. The above winners are the r

Annual Best Businesses for 2014 Best Financial Planners: 541 Lisbon St Lewiston 786-0651

5

Poirier Associates

Best Wait Staff:

2

40 East Ave. #2 Lewiston • 795-6888

Japanese Cuisine

Best Bar/Lounge:

120 Center St., Auburn • 786-0715

490 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 330-3775

4

Best Heating Oil Service: 3 Conant Rd Turner 225-3588

Best Sushi Restaurant:

4

Blanchard’s Cash Fuel, INC

Best Day Spa:

4

2

at the Ramada Inn

Best Martini Bar: 490 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 330-3775

2

at the Ramada Inn

Best Towing Service:

Don’s Towing

V O T Dr. James P. E Herbert, DMD S

71 East Ave., Lewiston 783-3321

940 Washington St., Auburn • 784-4619

Best Attorneys:

Best Real Estate Company:

www.cassiels.com

75 Park St., Lewiston • 795-5000

3

866 Main St., Lewiston 754-3057

22 Strawberry Ave. Lewiston • 782-0670

Best Acupuncturist: 3

12 Highland Spring Rd., Lewiston • 783-2016

Diane Ford

Best Contract Security Company: 86 Main St., Auburn • 800-292-4965

Best Buffet:

1

279 Center St., Auburn • 241-0870

181 Center St., Auburn • 777-1551

3

3

1

Best Massage Therapy:

1

600 Turner Rd. #3 Auburn • 376-3233

Best Car Wash:

J&S Oil/Ultra Clean Car Wash

2

Best International Restaurant: 40 East Ave. #2 Lewiston • 795-6888

1

Best Mortgage Company:

Best Place To Buy Carpet/Flooring:

1103 Lisbon St., Lewiston 333-3655

1

Best Dental Care Facility:

Best Boutique:

675 Main St., Lewiston 782-0831

1

336 Center St., Auburn • 784-3800

3

Y O U R

2

Best Seafood Restaurant: Best Flower Shop:

Japanese Cuisine

1

245 Center St., Auburn • 376-4295

14 Millett Dr., Auburn • 782-3457

1

Ann’s Flowers

A R E I N

mpany, is proud to announce the winners of the 20th annual Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s result of public ballots and internet voting for the Lewiston/Auburn small business community.

Paid for by Market Surveys of America

h

The Three Southern Wise Men Submitted by WEP

I was travelling through a small Southern town when I spotted a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. I was totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here,

Deep cuts were made in the guillotine industry and heads rolled.

Join Us for the Count Down to 2015 at

New Year’s Eve Bash!

December 31st 8:00pm – 1:00am

Live music by: • Live coverage of Times Square Ball Drop • Drink Specials • Party Favors to ring in the New Year!

Japanese Cuisine 40 East Ave., Lewiston • 795-6888 • sea40me.com

'The three wise men came from afar'."

Open Mic Night Every Wednesday at 7pm

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

26

December 2014

783-7039

FREE Dessert when you celebrate your birthday at Sea 40!

I bought a ton of staples and pushpins all for $3.99, plus tacks.

Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.

Russian Rain Submitted by Jimbo

There once was a Czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Red.

Local Bands Every Friday 4-5pm and L/A’s Got Talent... Sign Up at LAAlerts.com for schedule

The Dean of Maine Radio... Dave Dean Heard every weekday 2 – 6 PM

He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. It’s raining."

She, being the obstinate type, responded, "I don't think so, dear. I think it’s snowing."

But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, "Let's step outside and we'll find out."

Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.

So Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining.

Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Photos courtesy of Haines Photography

Turn the page for the November band line-up!

To see our full schedule, sign up at LAAlerts.com.

Also, check our Facebook page: Z1055

Brought to you by:

Hear it on:

Remove the center spread and hang on your wall!

Watch for more local bands coming each month in Uncle Andy’s Digest!!

If you're right 98% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?

"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which everyone has plenty; not on your past misfortunes of which we all have some."

– Charles Dickens Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 27

CA LL TH E P R O S Assisted Home Care II “Our Family Assisting Your Family” es to the Now expanding our servic Midcoast Region! re about See page 44 to learn mo the services we offer.

11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org

Affordable Office Solutions | 550 Lisbon St., Lewiston cubiclesinmaine.com | 783-4820 or Toll Free 866-464-CUBE

Blackie’s Farm

Open Y ea Round r

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10 up to 48 cards - Games pay $50 - $100

with custom handmade bracelets by Jackie Sunday at 6:00PM Wed., Thurs, & Friday at 6:30PM

Jackie’s Bracelets, Etc. 61 Albert Street, Lewiston

333-2763 jackiesbraceletsetc.com

Like us on

Pleasant Street Bingo Hall 475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394

Remote Starters - A Great Christmas gift!

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Any Hair Cut with this ad Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

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CA LL T H E P R O S Carla & Co.

Paul Mitchell Focus Salon GOT HEAT?? FREE Pre-winter Checkup With Ad

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954 Lisbon St. Lewiston • 207.241.0205 • Carla Martin (Owner)

743-3891

Now serving Lewiston & Auburn!

Call us for a FREE quote.

Serving: Norway • West Paris Minot • Mechanic Falls • Oxford & NOW Lewiston/Auburn!

70 Main Street, South Paris • harrisbrosrubbishremoval.com

Bookkeeping Plus QuickBooks Classes Offered Bookkeeping Services 9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124

Rolly’s Diner

Closed Christmas Day

Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Season’s Greetings To All! If Rolly’s were open on major holidays I’d be here then, too!

Clockwise: Mary, Roger, Stephen, Ellen & Jim

It is that time of year

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

Santa was was out all night sleighing, now he’s wanted by the police in 49 states.

Q: How did they know the shark attack victim had dandruff?

A: They found his head and shoulders on the beach.

No Separating Required!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 31

Out ’n About at Sea 40 on Halloween Franki, let’s shut that saw off for the pic!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

10% OFF Your First Snow Plowing Commercial & Residential SNOW PLOWING • SANDING & SALTING FREE QUOTES

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Franki & Thomas Hamann Could you wait till I’m done eating, jeez!

NOW OPEN!

Lynn Norris & Michelle Higgins Owner/Stylist

Stylist

Shopping for Holiday Gifts? Stop By & Pick Up a Gift Certificate! ~ Booth Rentals Available ~ Tues – Thurs 9am - 7pm; Fri 9am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 12pm

232 Center Street, Auburn • 753-9368 (next to Play It Again Sports)

Let Heidi’s Take the Stress Out of Your Holidays Grab a bite while you’re out shopping and get some GIFT CARDS for your favorite elves.

A gift that will put a smile on anyone’s face!

GIFT CARD

784-3434

Locally Owned & Operated

HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm • Sun 10am-8pm

600 Turner Street • Auburn Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

32

December 2014

783-7039

Our platters are a great crowd pleaser for your holiday get togethers!

heidisauburn.com

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

Out ’n About at Sea 40 on Halloween

Dear Santa, I can explain...

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Jamie & Ashley focused on the job at hand

23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551

Located in the building behind Dad’s Place

Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)

Get more for your returns at Dad’s!

6¢

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on all 5¢ returns with this coupon.

Excuse me Miss...

Can you help me down?

(must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)

✃

es v i r D Bottle me!

Welco

UAD expires 12.31.14

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 33

My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's mad that I beat him to it.

I put mine up three years ago.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE Mall Trainer

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Scooter

• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.

$10 OFF ANY Service with Coupon!

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782-6666 or 783-2026

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Interesting Christmas Facts:

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

34

December 2014

783-7039

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

Thanks! Santa died laughing when I told him you’d been good this year, now Christmas is cancelled.

He promptly replied, "Another train.

A wreath with holly, red berries and other decorations began from at least the 17th century.

Holly, with its sharply pointed leaves, symbolized the thorns in Christ's crown-ofthorns. Red berries symbolized the drops of Christ's blood. A wreath at Christmas signified a home that celebrated the birth of Christ.

OUR TIRES

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Submitted by Jimbo

Jane, Owner & Stylist; Brian Saucier, LMT & Sarah, Stylist

Now offering BOOTH RENTALS

Buy 3 1hr Massages

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For Only $135

Sarah Jeanne’s

Holida y Special

Family Hair Care, Day Spa & Tanning

Suit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston SarahJeannes.com

795-6778

$200 of Spa Services for Only

$

99.95

Express mani & pedi, hand paraffin, 120min tanning package, men’s or women’s hair cut, eyebrow wax & 50% off products

Remember, Christmas isn't about how big the tree is, or what's under it.

It's about who's around it.

RETAIL • WHOLESALE • REDEMPTION • LIQUOR STORE 5 Locations for Your Convenience

ATM’s onsite & Lottery/Megabucks!

ERS OP ST. O R N ng i BO LIS Sell ! r w No iquo L

Sabattus Street, Lewiston

Lisbon Street, Lewiston

Main Street, Auburn

WHAT’S BREWING AND ALWAYS NEW YOUR BETTER BEER PIONEERS Minot Ave, Auburn

Beer Specials Coors Lt/Bud/Bud Light 18 packs . . . .$13.99 Coors/Bud/Bud Lt/Lite 6pk 16oz cans .$4.99 Smuttynose 12 packs . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12.99 Twisted Tea 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 Sierra Nevada 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$14.99

Since 1992

Main Street, Lewiston Bulleit Bourbon 750ml $24.99 Save $4

Jameson 750ml $22.99 Save $4

Black Velvet 1.75L $14.99 Save $5

Wine Specials Andre 750 ml . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 for $9 Barefoot 1.5 L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99 GFV Twin Valley 1.5 L . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6.99 Rex Goliath 750 ml . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 for $11 Sutterhome 1.5 L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99

Jim Beam

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Jack Daniels

1.75L $39.99 Save $5

Hendricks Gin

750ml $24.99 Save $10

AND MORE!!!

694 Main St. Lewiston • 782-1482

794 Sabattus St. Lewiston • 783-6353

1420 Lisbon St. Lewiston • 333-3095

545 Minot Ave. Auburn • 783-2047

303-311 Main St. Auburn • 783-9098

Out ’n About at Sea 40 on Halloween That’s right, I’ve got the eye of the tiger

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

272 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls Prime360Training.com • 577-5979 prime360training@gmail.com

Group Classes • Individual Training • Nutrition Consultations Team Performance Enhancement • Meditation Consultations Testimonial for PRiME 360º: (abbreviated for space - see full testimonial on website)

Make up my mind: strike a pose or get your order?

“To all the Moms, I am a 29 year old stay at home mother of two beautiful, active, and BJ Grondin, CSCS patience testing boys... After my kids, I had the baby belly and overtime I didn’t feel strong or confident anymore... I met BJ Grondin and was introduced to PRiME360. I started by taking a class or two. I walked into a small class size where there were clients of all ranges and ages. I fit in...

Again, with the help of PRiME360 and their nutrition guide, I made a LIFE STYLE CHANGE. My focus was to lose weight, to gain energy, vitality, and whole health. After being apart of the PRiME360 family for a little more then six months now, I can’t thank PRiME360 enough.

My “baby belly” is back to just being my stomach with some muscles to show off now. My knowledge of what I should be fueling my body with is now on track. I only wish I would have known what I know now when I was in high school and college as an athlete. ... I encourage you to do this not only for yourself, but also for your confidence, your vitality, and your sanity.”

– Kat McKay

New Years Resolutions We can help make that decision stick!

2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.

3) He is Santa Claus!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

36

December 2014

783-7039

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

Expires 12.31.14

Limit one per person.

New customers only.

✃

Expires 12.31.14

1) He believes in Santa Claus.

✃

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Limit one per person.

Call for details.

You’ll be g you did lad !!

3 Individual Training Sessions for just $99.

Buy 2 months of classes get the 3rd month FREE! 3 Stages of Man

Call us TODAY!

Join us for

our

Super Bowl Party!

$50 pp

(all inclusive)

Pig Roast, Tailgate Hors d'oeuvres & includes 2 beverages of your choice! Tons of giveaways!!

Get a FREE $10 bonus card with every $50 Gift Card Purchase!

Join us for lunch or dinner 7 days a week!

Merry Christmas to all!

Happy New Year!

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • MacsGrill.com

Keep Talking

Christmas light displays are the freestyle rap battles of the suburbs.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Officer Williams pulls over a speeding car.

He says, "I clocked you at 85 miles per hour, sir."

Nigel, the driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting, Betty, the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As Officer Williams writes out the ticket, Nigel looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once, Betty!?"

Betty smiles sweetly and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As Officer Williams makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, Nigel glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an

Join Us for Paint Nite!

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Thursday, December 18th 7:00PM $45/pp

ets Limited tick n up available. Sig today! www.paintnite.com/pages/events/view/portland/854518

Village Inn 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com

Gift cards make a great gift!

A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.

Out ’n About with some local celebrities

I just can’t get enough of Uncle Andy’s Digest!

(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

38

December 2014

783-7039

May Christmas be about what's in your Heart and not what's in your pocket.

It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Do not neglect your Septic System

Service Rental Sales

Merrys Christma

For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

automatic $75 fine."

Nigel replies, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

Betty chips in again, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.

You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

(continued from previous page)

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

And as Officer Williams is writing out the third ticket, Nigel turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

The officer looks over at Betty and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, no. Only when he's got illegal paraphernalia in the trunk."

X-Mas Stamps Christmas trees are grown in every American state.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Call Today & Book Your Appointment For The Holidays Before It’s Too Late!

Kelley

Darcy

Amanda

Christopher

336 Center St. • Auburn • 777-1611

777-1611

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”

The clerk says, “What denomination?”

The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 39

Out ’n About with some local celebrities

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus. He gives me presents and is imaginary.

Richard

Peg

Sharon

Wishing You A Merry Christmas!

Kim

Thank You Everyone For a Great Year!

Your Patronage & Support Means Everything To Us!

Get Your Holiday tte Platters, Anne Finger Rolls, & Dessert Trays Here!

Mike

Taryn Ouellette & Stephanie Gagne

Raiquan

dy Unfilled finger An rolls $2/dozen

Tanya Fresh Baked Bread $1.99/Loaf

Corey Coffee & Donut Only $1.54!

Rick

GEORGIO’S

We, your cats, at Christmas say, Thanks for caring for us each day.

We love this season, all green and red, And by the way, the hamster’s dead.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

40

December 2014

783-7039

740 Minot Avenue, Auburn

Michelle

783-2981 Open daily 5am-9pm

www.mygeorgios.com Locally owned & operated

Scott Pizza

UFO

Subs

This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.

If you received all of the gifts in the song 'The Twelve Days of Christmas', you would receive 364 presents.

New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039 Christmas Giving Tree Stop by and get a tag from the Holiday Giving Tree to help make a child smile this Christmas Season!

Holiday Events KIDS CHRISTMAS PARTY Dec. 14th 11am - 1pm Santa arrives at noon (please sign-up your child(ren) - members only) DART SHOOT FOR S.A.P.A.R.S. Dec. 13th 11am - 1pm st (Sexual Assault Prevention & Response Services) 1 Place Prize $200 (based on 4 players $10/pp) ADULT CHRISTMAS PARTY Dec. 20th Happy Hour 5-7pm Gift Swap 6-8pm ($20 or less) 8-midnight DJ Scotty Dawg NEW YEAR’S EVE BASH Live Music - 4 Play $20/pc or $15/pp Tickets go on Sale Dec. 8th Thinking Ahead

Electric lights on Christmas trees were first used in 1895.

Submitted by Jimbo

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm....

That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

PROTECTING What You Love.

What You Do. ish..

What You Cher

232 Center St., Auburn

786-0417 VarneyAgency.com Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm Kerrie Robbins

Commercial Insurance Specialist

commercial

home

auto

recreational

umbrella

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Alabama was the first state to declare Christmas a legal holiday in 1836.

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 41

Leavitt Football

More diamonds are bought around Christmas than any other time of the year.

Hardcore Fans!

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26 Year s Experie nce

POOLBB UILDERS OF AINE P OOL UILDERS OFMM AINE 1525 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-7222 • poolbuildersofmaine.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

42

December 2014

783-7039

The best thing to carry with you when you start feeling tired is a knapsack.

If you robbed a kissing booth you'd make out like a bandit.

The Meaning of Christmas Submitted by Jimbo

Your Road To Maine Value

TM

Welcomes New Manager, Chad Paradis!

For Brakes, Tires, Exhaust, Oil Changes, Batteries, Tune-ups & more visit Maine Auto Service!

Shop Manager, Chad Paradis

Your complete car & light truck service center.

Chad & his crew invite you to stop by for a

FREE STATE INSPECTION

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in December with this ad

510 Canal Street, Lewiston • 333-6000 • maineautoservice.com

Expires 12.31.14

The Chick Has Got it Going On! Time to book your Christmas Party with us!

Our back room holds up to 75 people.

We accommodate for small parties, too. Dates are filling fast!

We’ll be all decorated for Christmas on Friday, November 28th.

You’re gonna love it!

Wishing You All A Very of Lewiston Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags.

And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

– Dr. Seuss I gave my stressed out feline too much elixir.

Now he's catatonic.

1472 Lisbon St, Lewiston • 376-3870 • ChickadeeLewiston.com

Down Payment Submitted by Jimbo

Happy Holidays!

Come and Relax in our private, tranquil Spa Room!

December Special

FREE Paraffin dip

with manicure or pedicure

December Special

185 Webster St., Lewiston • 783-0200

Little known fact: Michael Jackson's original glove went on to become the Hamburger Helper.

Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.

"Excuse me," she said to the saleslady behind the counter, "Will a small deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 43

Out ’n About at Sea 40 on Halloween

Yes I did spend 15 minutes looking for matching socks. Think of the time I saved not sorting them when I put them away.

Assisted Home Care II “Our Family Assisting Your Family”

Now ex our serv panding ic Midcoas es to the t Region !

Assisting Families since 1997.

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Registered Home Health Care Service Agency Private Duty Care & Staff Relief 24 hour Personal Care and Response Guarantee Continuity of Caregivers Assist with Independent Living at Home

11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org

When You Miss This Sign...

My golf outfit next year...

Not bad, huh?

Look for this one!

We’ll have you back on the road in no time!

FREE TES! MA

ESTI

COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING 1111 Center Street, Auburn • 782-6515

Dave Johnson “The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”

– Calvin Trillin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

44

December 2014

783-7039

Even the smallest egg farms are multi-layer organizations.

I'm leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

My mind is like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

AFTER HOURS HAS WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR!

Out ’n About with some local celebrities Thank you to everyone who voted for me!

WE CARRY: • All Dab Accessories & rigs • Glasspipes, Metalpipes, Hookahs, Woodpipes • Detox - Vaporizers • E-Hookahs & E-Liquid • Butane, Papers, Shisha & Incense • Seedless Clothing • Posters • Bags • Pipe Cases

We’re a FULL Service Vaporizer Shop.

Open Mon - Sat 10am - 8pm

We have vaporizers for all uses as well as e-cigs, e-hookahs (refillable & disposeable). And many flavors of premium American made e-juice from 0-24mg nicotine levels.

25 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 795-7600 I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

And I guess the Digest is okay, too!

Ron Chicoine Newly elected County Commissioner Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 45

The Real Thing

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the elevator travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $100 bill lying on the elevator floor.

Which one picked up the $100 bill, and handed it in at reception?

Santa of course... Do the other two actually exist?

A Good Day

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Submitted by Jimbo

A husband and wife wake up one morning.

The husband leans over to kiss his wife on the cheek but she says, “Don’t touch me!

I’m dead!”

“What on earth are you talking about?” says the husband. “We’re both lying here talking.”

COME SEE WHY WE’RE STILL HERE AFTER 62 YEARS!

The wife replies, “I know. But I’m definitely dead.”

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“You can’t be dead,” replies her husband.

“What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

His wife replies, “I must be dead. I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

46

December 2014

783-7039

784-8581 Our customers say, “Beal’s is the cleanest Laundromat in L/A!”

Search: Beal’s Laundromat & Cleaners Mon.-Fri 7am-9pm • Sat.&Sun. 8am-9pm

Father to three-year old: "No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna."

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Gram Submitted by Thomas Hill

Last year, just before Christmas, Miriam, a grandmother was giving directions to her grown up grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. 'You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 2B.'

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Miriam continued, 'There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 2B. I will buzz you in.

Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in, and with your elbow hit 2. When you get out I am on the left.

With your elbow, hit my doorbell.'

'Grandma, that sounds easy,' replied Jonathan, the grandson, 'but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow.'

To which she answered, 'You're coming to visit empty handed?'

Too Strong Submitted by Thomas Hill

APPLY ONLINE:

www.carbonite.com/jobs Did you know Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It’s declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

If you see a fat man Who’s jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, and if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then lets face it…

Your eggnog’s too strong...

TOWNLINE ANTIQUES Buying & Selling

837-3784 “Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!” – Ogden Nash

Do fish get thirsty? hwilliamsbarber.com

Walk-ins Welcome

740-6316

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$ Hours: Tue. Wed. Fri. 8-4 Thurs. 8-5 • Sat. 8-12

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

48

December 2014

783-7039

Merry Christmas to All!

184 Turner St. Auburn (Next to Coastal T-shirts)

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

“Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit, it’s on my Visa statement twelve months a year also.”

Patti, get your own copy! This one is mine!!

John Jalbert, UAD friend & Patti Gagne

Out ’n About with some local celebrities

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Servicing the Mechanic Falls, Minot & Poland areas.

JMAR PLOWING Reasonable Rates

576-4844

How could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I've only been driving for 10 minutes?

How can one TV station have the "exclusive" accurate weather?

Did they "storm" in and scoop the others?

History Lesson Submitted by Jimbo

Daniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.

He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.

Thomas to Jimbo: Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Out ’n About at Georgio’s in Auburn

Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, “I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three guys on camels had to deliver all the toys. And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around.”

A Head Start Submitted by Thomas Hill

Stay hungry my friends!

Do you want cheese on that?

It was just before Christmas and the sherrif was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the cell, 'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early.'

'That's no crime', said the sherrif. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

Annette Pulsifer & Sharon Moreau Striking a pose in between breakfast sandwiches

Did Noah include termites on the ark?

'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with December 2014

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 49

2014 Captains: #14 Levi Craig, #13 Billy Bedard, #57 Will Perkins & #2 Mitchell Davis

Thomas to Jimbo: Crime doesn't pay... Does that mean that my job is a crime?

Just Darn Good Deals Eats & Treats

Eats & Treats

Sabattus Main Street Market

Dad’s Place

2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502

$

3 OFF ✃

ANY LARGE PIZZA!

Limit one per customer per visit.

Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

HAMBURGER OR CHEESBURGER BASKET

✃

Limit one per customer per visit.

Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

FREE SMALL BREAD STICKS

✃ Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

Eats & Treats

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

Health & Beauty

Grant’s Bakery

34 Center St. Auburn 333-3069

525 Sabattus St. Lewiston

783-2226

yourbestskinofmaine.com

GrantsBakery.com

LOOK YOUNGER!

Large 10” Pork Pie ✃

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

✃

Eats & Treats The Library Cafe

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

Hobbies 808 Main St. Lewiston

49 Spring St. Auburn

753-3054

784-2300

KellysFabricConnection.com

A winning tradition

Leavitt Football

AuburnLibraryCafe.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

50

December 2014

783-7039

5

85 Center Street, Auburn • 784-8221 PatsAuburn.com

at the Ramada 490 Pleasant St. Lewiston • 784-2331

✃

$

Eats & Treats

Eats & Treats

1/2 OFF DINNER

ONLY

FREE Coffee or Soda

✃

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

✃

20% OFF Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.

For Mom Submitted by Thomas Hill

Just Darn Good Deals Cookware

Eats & Treats

Dad’s Place 770 Main St. Lewiston (Marden’s Plaza)

783-4500 • SaucyPots.com

✃

10% OFF Total Order Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

FREE COFFEE FRIDAYS

✃

Limit one per customer per visit.

Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

Retail

Automotive

785 Main St. Lewiston

1009 Center St. Auburn 333-3390

We’re more than purses!

AutoCityofMaine.com

20% BONU$ ✃

Soy Wax

Infinity Scarfs

$

4

✃10.50 $

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.24.14 (UAD)

Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

Eats & Treats

Eats & Treats

63 Sabattus St. Lewiston • 782-0701 LuiggisPizzeria.com

40 East Ave. Lewiston • 795-6888 Sea40me.com

FREE MEATBALL ✃

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

FREE DESSERT ✃

Eats & Treats 1052 Minot Ave. Auburn 783-6885 MacsGrill.com

Health & Beauty

Sarah Jeanne’s

77 Sabattus St. Lewiston • 795-6778 SarahJeannes.com

SAVE $100

FREE $10 BONUS CARD

✃

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.24.14 (UAD)

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

✃

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)

There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when Emily, a young lady about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, “What do you want for Christmas?”

“Something for my mother, please,” replied Emily sweetly.

“Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What would you like me to bring her?”

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, “A son-in-law.”

Face It Submitted by Jimbo

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Bobby looked up and innocently replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

I’ll be calling the boys at Liquid Sunshine on December 26th.

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783-1351

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I was going to tell you a joke about infinity, but it didn't have an ending!

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