UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America!
.com
FREE
October 2013
YOUR ORAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT TO US! NEW lways Patients A Welco me!
TAYLOR BROOK DENTAL ASSOCIATES 27 Millett Drive, Auburn
784-1577 Taylorbrookdental.com
RATES ARE STILL LOW Call for your purchases or to refinance today! Conventional ★ FHA ★ VA ★ MSHA ★ RD
A local lender you can trust! Debbie Bodwell, Vice President NMLS# 280336
Residential Mortgage Service, Inc. 777.1551
181 Center St.; Auburn, Maine 04210 www.rmsmortgage.com •dbodwell@rmsmortgage.com
This is not a commitment to lend. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation level, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions. Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation Headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. ME License No. SLM2537
Jewelry to fall in
love with
145 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com
Armandsab@aol.com
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. (That’s why our cover is pink this month!)
I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!
MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA OCTOBER 2013 Saturday, Oct 5th Holy Cross KC Bean Supper CANCELED RESCHEDULED FOR NOVEMBER (Chapter 14346) October 5th thru October 31st Pumpkin Land Sat. & Sun. 11am – 6pm (Chapter 10929) Harvest Hill Farm, Rt 26 Poland Adults $3; Kid’s $7.50 (16/under includes pumpkin) Sunday, Oct 6th Sabattus American Legion Post 135 Breakfast 7am – 10am (Chapter 8609) Island Rd, Sabattus $6 per tix Saturday, Oct 12th Member Appreciation Day 11am – 1pm (Chapter 12907) Modern Woodmen Office, 184 Webster St, Lewiston MEMBERS ONLY – NO CHARGE Sunday, Oct 13th KC Breakfast 8am – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick $4 Member; $5 Guest; Child / 10 free Tuesday, Oct 15th Sam’s Noon – 7pm (Chapter 12749) Market Place Mall, Lewiston $3.50 Member; $4 Guest Thursday, Oct 24th Lewiston Mandarin 11:30am – 1:30am (Chapter 10589) 750 Sabattus St, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5 Guest Tuesday, Oct 29th Roy’s Breakfast 7am – 10am (Chapter 14437) Washington St, Auburn $2 Member; $2.50 Guest
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed. ************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.
Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898
I would gladly trade in my "Caller I.D." for a "Caller I.Q."
QUALITY CUSTOM DENTURE WORK Affordable Dentures
www.UncleAndys.com
Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!
Staff
FREE CONSULTATIONS
JIMBO is Back in the Game
UNCLE ANDY Pining over his Wood Pile
MAGGIE Rocks and Rolls
MARTY
Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists
Most Dental Insurances Accepted • We also accept Credit & Debit Cards
SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston
514-0660 www.smileagaindentures.com See us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures
• Rebases • Relines • Repairs
FILLs Good
Dig where the gold is, unless you need the exercise.
ANGIE RASH-inal-izes
TOM Has LANDed
PAM Now has a chauffeur
Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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October 2013
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What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES - There is a mile between the first and last letters!
All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
Skilled Labor Submitted by Jimbo
KITCHENSolutions DESIGN & SALES CENTER
Order hen c ew kit your n d have it n now a for the d rea y ys! holida
Sven and Ole worked together, and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
Next to Appliance Warehouse and Gamache & Lessard Window Decorators
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The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter." Which US President is credited with starting baseball's seventh inning stretch? Answer: William Howard Taft
995 Center St. Auburn
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com Have you heard about the crime in multi-story parking garages? It's just wrong on so many levels.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
Oct. 2013
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Out ’n About at Angie & Alex’s Wedding
I'm sorry, that's not vague enough for me. Could you be a little less specific?
Uncle Andy’s Digest’s own Angie Lafrance ties the knot
Alex, could you at least wait until I say ‘You may kiss the bride?’
Saturday, October 5th American Legion • 426 Washington St. • Auburn Time: 7:00-11:00 pm • $10.00/person To purchase tickets in advance, contact Crystal at 207-740-2958 or crystalst137@yahoo.com
Meet Mrs. & Mr.
Angie & Alex Jacobsohn Ahhh... young love. It’s what makes the world go round.
Colby and Paige Nadeau are 6 and 8 year-old siblings living with Doose/MAE Syndrome, a catastrophic, medresistant form of Epilepsy. They have been struggling with this for 5 years and now newer treatments and travel expenses to specialty medical centers are not covered by insurance. This is where the Dance for Team Nadeau comes in. Money raised from the benefit will help to ease the burden of medical bills and treatments, and give mom and dad a little peace of mind.
Why do people say "needless to say"?
Inside the Dog House
Maggie Joyce Office manager at UAD
The strongest bone in the body, the thigh bone, is hollow. Ounce for ounce, it has a greater pressure tolerance and bearing strength than a rod of equivalent size in cast steel. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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Logan Chute & Rick Black enjoy being in The Doghouse everyday! Find them on Turner Street in Auburn
As you climb the ladder of success, check occasionally to make sure it is leaning against the right wall.
Burt Reynolds grew up in Palm Beach, Florida and was the son of the town's police chief.
Out ’n About at Angie & Alex’s Wedding Uncle Andy’s Digest’s own Angie Lafrance ties the knot
THE KIDS ARE BACK IN SCHOOL, NOW IT’S TIME TO GET BACK TO YOU! Fabulous Fall Packages ❧ Herbal Body Wraps ❧ Pumpkin Sugar Scrub ❧ After Sun Treatment ❧ Autumn Package ❧ Harvest Package Book your appointment & buy gift cards right on our website!
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I’m so proud of you, Angie.
Thanks, dad. Now about your next ad...
Angie with her dad, Tim Lafrance
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Alex with his mom, Julie Deane Angie, where’s the party after the party?
We sell a full line of Bare Escentuals Mineral Makeup www.cassiels.com 71 EAST AVENUE • LEWISTON
(207) 783-3321 A falling nozzle will turn toward you and land on its trigger.
Specials
Thomas Hill Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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Dress Rehearsal
What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? Sorry, I'm a little horse.
Submitted by Jimbo
A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded, "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance." As I was walking down the street, I noted a man with a large pole in his hand and stopped to ask, "Are you a pole-vaulter?" His response was, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Make sure you give that back when you’re done... I haven’t finished reading it yet.
Eva & Peter Leavitt of Turner spent four weeks traveling the U.S. and found a copy of Uncle Andy’s at the Corner in Winslow, Arizona.
Where does
Halloween rate on your holiday list?
When England was a province of Rome, the city of Cheshire was noted for its fine cheese. The Romans built a wall around the town to protect it. Cheshire cheese was made in a mold shaped like a cat, later made famous as the smiling feline in Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it… so I'm going to move to New York. – Steven Wright
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
CELEBRATING
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Holiday Catering Holiday Parties • Company Christmas Parties
Weddings Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing!
Buffet
Platters
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www.dadsplace.info Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
Oct. 2013
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Out ’n About with Billy Jacobs at Bear Necessities in Auburn. Billy Jacobs reigns from Ohio. He is an accomplished folk artist, photographer, song writer & musician. He came to Maine to attend an event at Bear necessities.
What did a green grape say to a purple grape? Breathe stupid!
• • • •
Marine Canvas (Boats/Yachts) Cushions (Boat/Home) Upholstery (Boat/Home/Auto) Metal Fabrication • Repair Call about FREE Boat Storage for Winter Work
41 Millett Drive • Auburn, Maine 04210
783-5600 Mona Morin & Roma Olberding What a great time of year to come to Maine. Billy and I loved our visit here!
Mike Chasse, Rita Goggin, Patty, & Billy Jacobs
Enroll in October and your 4th week is FREE!
Patty
REFERRAL SPECIAL Early Learning Center Parents of currently enrolled students: Refer a friend and get 1 week FREE for yourself & your referral! Now through Oct. 31st
Billy Jacobs Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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301 Sawyer Rd. • Greene
946-KIDS NEW HOURS! 6am - 6pm
Where do you find a Zebra? 25 letters after A-Brah.
Animal Instinct
Peter the Great of Russia was almost 7 feet tall.
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Mens & Boys CUTS for
$
12
All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.
Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts
Marcel’s Barber Shop
54 Mill Street, New Auburn OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm
Brad’s Precision Auto ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...
• Appointments required, please call first • Fully warranteed & certified • $58/hr labor rate
144 Riverside Dr., Auburn
Brad
Call us today! Steve
Ryan
333-0364
e m o r d l o l Ro ts Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 - All Skating 7: Friday Nights 30 - 4:00pm Sat. & Sun. - 1: pm ght 7:30 - 10 ts - Family Ni Saturday Nigh 30 - 10pm - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night
“Well for goodness sakes! Why didn’t you bring him to see me sooner?” “Because we needed the eggs!” Customer: “Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?” Waiter: “I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller.”
Decisions Submitted by Thomas Hill
Since 1954
Where Good Skaters Meet
E FALL SCHE- AgDesU20L + 7:30-10pm
The doctor asked, “And how long has this been going on?” “Almost a year,” Mrs. Peterson replied.
783-3444
NO PROBLEM!
Mrs. Peterson went to the doctor: “I’m terribly worried about my boy. He thinks he’s a chicken.”
Available for private parties
12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940
Father: “Honey, both that journalist and the engineer proposed to our daughter!” Mother: “So who’s the lucky man?” Father: “The engineer. Our daughter married the journalist.” What grows up while growing down?
www.rollodrome.com
I hate school and got caught skipping the other day. My principal said, "Walk normal next time, you fruitcake."
Answer: A goose
WOW!
Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your...
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
Oct. 2013
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Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament
If the early bird gets the worm, look what happens to the early worm.
You can call me Ranger Rick today. I’ll be keeping an eye on all these “golfers”.
Mark Bosse Keep up with me if you can.
We specialize in vehicle wraps and lettering. After
SAVE 20% on your next order! Go to: eastcoastsigndesign.com Before
Fill out our new quote page and SAVE!!
October only
www.eastcoastsigndesign.com
Bill Printup We’ll be hanging loose all day, Mark. Ah, I mean Ranger Rick...
COLOR THEIR DAY…
Treat them to an autumn bouquet!
Call or order right from our website!!
Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457
www.annsflower.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true.
Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament I’m predicting we shoot 5 under today.
Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.
“Sir Nick” Benoit It’s an honor to have our photo under Sir Nick’s! He is a golfing legend...
Heather & Tom Printup Fire & Slice tournament coordinators
Same Day Emergency Care Visit us at our newly renovated state of the art office at:
Keep your head down, keep your head down, keep your frickin’ head down!
730 Center Street
Mon.-Fri. 7am - 5pm
Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza
783-1351 auburnplazafamilydentistry.com We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider
What did one wall say to the other wall? Meet ya at the corner!
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Jimbo
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Dead Duck
I Xeroxed my watch… now I have time to spare. – Rod Schmidt
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
FALL CLEARA
The Back Forty Used 2012 Chevy Malibu 1LT
2013 Ford Focus S
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2006 Toyota Corolla
Blue, 2.4L 4 Cyl., 55K, Auto. 5-Spd.
Blue, 4 Cy, 5 Speed Manual, 84k, 4 door
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After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
2.4L 4 Cyl, Gold, 2.0L 4 Cyl., Manual 38K, 4dr Auto. 6 Spd. 5Spd., 10K, Silver our price
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bot-
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2006 Toyota Tundra SR5
2011 Toyota Camry SE
2012 Scion
Tuscan Olive, 3.5L V6 4WD SUV, 44K
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(continued on next page)
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It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
(continued from previous page)
Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
ANCE SALE!!
d Car & Truck Center 2011 Jeep Wrangler Sport
2012 Hyundai Sonota Hybrid
2010 Toyota Camry LE
2.4L 4 Cyl., Auto., Black, 5k, 4 Dr.
Tan, 2.5L 4cyl., Auto. 6 Spd. 35k, 4dr
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2009 Toyota Venza
2010 Toyota 4Runner
2010 Toyota Corolla
2007 Honda Civic EX Coupe
2008 Ford Supercrew Cab
Silver, V8 Auto 4speed, Red, 3.8L V6, 4 Spd. Silver, 60k VLP 29k, 4WD
tom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
Green, V6, Auto 6speed, AWD SUV, 49k
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The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.
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Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament
"A good cure for insomnia is: Get plenty of sleep." – W.C. Fields
Stick with me, kid. They don’t call me Bev Ridge for nothin’!
Pawel & Karen “Bev Ridge” Nichols Red snappa’s are the best hot dogs in the world!
This is my favorite Koozie...
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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Q: What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer? A: Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)
October is dental hygiene month. Ironically, October is also dessert month.
WE HAVE THE AUTO LOAN FOR
Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament I didn’t see much FIRE from many golfers, but I saw lots of SLICE from many...
YOU! LE C I H VE ANS LO Jill Webster
AS CHRISTM LOANS SPECIAL RATES!
Red Snappa lady
Cindy, that spread of food was excellent. Nice job by you and your crew!
Cyndi Robbins & Bill Printup
FUEL LOANS
Great Falls Federal Credit Union 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 753-0500 www.greatfallsfcu.com Germany's Oktoberfest originally began on October 17, 1810, the wedding day of King Ludwig I.
Jen Small & Justin Carver Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Out ’n About at Angie & Alex’s Wedding Uncle Andy’s Digest’s own Angie Lafrance ties the knot
Alex, Alex, Alex...
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. – Bill Hicks
Electric Beach T A N N I N G
S A L O N
after 24 years we are
RELOCATING to our larger, new location at
97 Center Street Auburn (next to Pat’s Pizza)
783-9488
Jen Boucher
777-3339
Angie, Angie, Angie...
REMOTE STARTERS 216 Center Street, Auburn
Lyndsey Deane Angie, Alex, Congratulations!
Next to Republic Jewelry, Parking in back of building
soundeffectsmaine.com Come test drive your next vehicle today!
Browse our entire inventory online at:
Rob Ziobrowski
www.IndependentAuto.me
Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
or Visit us at 686 Sabattus St. & 1298 Sabattus St. in Lewiston 786-7744 • 520-0028
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The astronaut stepped on chewing gum. He got stuck in Orbit.
Dress Code
Mike Morin’s
Submitted by Jimbo
Auto Center
1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon
It’s never too early to get your vehicle ready for winter! Come see us today!
Mike Morin
OIL CHANGE
LIKE us on Facebook Receive
$10.00
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
Discount!
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
$24.95
Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)
FRONT END ALIGNMENTS $79.95
ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings
Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company." A bee has five eyes, two large compound eyes on either side of its head, and three ocelli (primitive eyes) on top of its head to detect light intensity.
Now Offering Finish Repair & Restoration • Complete or Partial Refinishing • Broken Head Stocks a Specialty Call now to schedule your FREE consultation & estimate
www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com
“...with 200+ gigs a year and countless hours playing, I simply wore out my custom acoustic guitar. Steve did a great job hand fitting a new bone saddle as well as leveling and crowning the frets for me. He put my guitar back to like new playing condition. Thanks Steve... Denny”
Denny Breau, Musician
Main St. Music Lessons 376-3376
& Instrument Repair 44% of kids watch television before they go to sleep.
134 Main Street, Auburn Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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Out ’n About at Angie & Alex’s Wedding Uncle Andy’s Digest’s own Angie Lafrance ties the knot Hey, we’re married.
Hey, we’re married.
The first subway system in America was built in Boston, Massachusetts in 1897.
From 2-button to 3-button to double breasted suits, we have what you need to dress to impress!
Dress to Impress
ALL SUITS Alex & Angie Jacobsohn I taught Angie everything I knew about marriage.
available for purchase
$
199
Does not include tailoring.
S&J Tuxedos & Limo Service 76 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 333-3737 www.sjtuxedos.com
For the movie "Tootsie" actor Dustin Hoffman thought of the title. His mother used to call him that as a child.
Probably a short conversation, huh?
Andy Marsh & Anna Waldman Before turning to a career on the pulpit as the Reverend Billy Sunday, the soon-to-be evangelist was a superb outfielder with the Chicago White Stockings. Many observers credited Sunday with helping Chicago win the pennant back in 1886. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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October 2013
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Black pepper is the most popular spice in the world.
It would take twenty new mid-size cars to generate the same amount of pollution that a mid-size 1960's car did.
Out ’n About at the Central Maine Heart Walk Photos by Katie Davis
SHARE OUR PASSION
AMES SPORTS SHOP
Phil Crawford
84 Littlefield Road, Auburn • 782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)
gets interviewed by News8
Let’s put our backs into it...
Your One Stop Shop For All Your Insurance Needs
9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls
(207) 345-8711
Call or stop in today for a FREE quote!
www.CummingsAgency.com 1-800-339-0414
Jeff & Nora Cummings Diane Morrissette • Joline Waite
207-345-8711
Have an automotive problem? Ask the Auto Guys
One foot in front of the other gets you there every time.
email us your auto questions at asktheautoguys@gmail.com
183 Lisbon Street • Lisbon
353-9862 qualitycareautorepair.com
Crayola is a French word that means "Oily chalk."
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Out ’n About at the Central Maine Heart Walk
Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.
Mended Hearts Chapter 358
Their reason for walking.
To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles visit our website:
www.donovansauto.com Stop by, call or click today! 946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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October 2013
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If you deceive people about your lack of hair, there will be hell toupee.
What's the biggest pencil in the world? Pennsylvania.
All Tied Up Submitted by Jimbo
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." The next day, clinging to a thread, the string returns to that same bar and orders a drink again. The bartender, resolute, again turns and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but like I said, we don't serve strings here. I'm going to have to ask you not to return." Dejected, the string returns home. All night he tosses and turns, wriggles and writhes, and awakes the next morning not at all resembling himself.
One out of 20 people have an extra rib.
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES
60 Minot Ave • Auburn
782-6666 or 783-2026
The string locks eyes with the bartender, and states, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."
Riddle Me This Q: How do you make one disappear?
A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM
Approximately 40% of the U.S. paper currency in circulation was counterfeit by the end of the Civil War.
A: Add a g to make it gone or an n to make it none.
Rod Cameron & Ben Britton
• Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections
Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he brightens and jets out his door to that bar. Swaggering in, he orders a drink one more time. The bartender stares at him, squinty eyed, and asks, "I'm sorry, are you a string? You look very familiar."
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100+ Years of Fatherhood In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the DVD Player.
SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET 2 Main Street, Sabattus, ME 04280 • 207-375-8502
Open 7 Days a Week 6am-8pm
2 LARGE 1 TOPPING PIZZAS & a 2 LITER OF SODA
$ ✂
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure a new tape is in the video camera.
About 70 percent of American households buy yellow mustard every year.
19.99 Limit 1 per customer
UAD Expires 10.31.13
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Dr. Chen & Jim Janelle Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry partnered up with Uncle Andy’s Digest to run a social media marketing contest where one lucky person would win an iPad mini. Jim was that lucky guy chosen from 4,650 entries.
Congrats, Jim!
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school." (continued on next page)
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MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
(continued from previous page)
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
JT REID’S Gun Show October 19th & 20th Saturday 9am-4pm & Sunday 9am-3pm Where: Boofy Quimby Hall 96 Howes Corner Rd. in Turner
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice!" In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the child was all smiles. Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid says, "But I wanted an X-box!" In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym, Pizza in the fridge." “The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents." – John J. Plomp
Cost: $5/pp (Under 16 Free) Active Duty Military No Charge
** Buy, Sell, Trade, Concessions, Raffles** This is a guns and ammo show only featuring dealers from New England. Concealed firearms prohibited in show even with permit.
FMI: 86 Court St., Auburn
777-3579 www.jtreidsgunshop.com jtreidsguns@yahoo.com Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
A horseshoe for a fullgrown Clydesdale measures more that 22 inches from end to end and weighs about five pounds. It is more than two times as long and four times as heavy as a shoe worn by a riding horse. 19 of Uncle Andy’s friends go to the movies. The ticket lady says, "Why are there so many of you here tonight?" Uncle Andy replies, "The film says 18 and over, miss." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!
Soup is on!
$
3.99 3-pc Roadies Chicken Dinner 6.99 $ 10” 1-topping Fresh Dough Pizza 6.50 Large Cheeseburger Sub
Bookkeeping Plus
$
QuickBooks Classes Offered Bookkeeping Services 9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124
Flamingo tongues were a common delicacy at Roman feasts.
BOB MENNEALY For Auburn School Committee at large “I will tirelessly strive as part of a team for a cost effective, efficient, student oriented, & goal centered Auburn school department that communities throughout Maine will envy!” – Bob Mennealy paid for by candidate
Blackie’s Farm Quality Used Furniture
Fresh Produce
Open Year Round
at affordable prices! Buying Single Items or Entire Estates! 386 Minot Avenue • Auburn 312-9139 • past2presentfurniture@gmail.com
Past 2 Present Furniture
996 Sabattus St. • Lewiston • 783-7020 Hours: 6am - 8pm
966 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005 t Comfor n a C u Yo n! O t n u o C
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Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty. – Joan Rivers
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams
2004 Mitsubishi Eclipse
2008 Subaru Wagon Limited
Return on Investment Submitted by Tom Hill
An old ranch-hand wanted a loan for $500.
$9,950
$14,950
GTS 84K, White, Auto., 6 Cyl.
Charcoal, Alloy Wheels, Auto, AWD, 90k
2006 Subaru Impreza Outback Sport
2010 Chevrolet HHR
The banker pulled out the loan application. "What are you going to do with the money?" he asks the old man. "Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it," was the response. "What have you got for collateral?"
$9,950
$9,950 Blue, Auto., 145K, Alloy Wheels, AWD
Black, 78k, Alloy Wheels, tinted windows
2008 Nissan Armada
2008 Subaru Impreza Outback
"Don't know what collateral is," replied the old man. "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
$14,950
$19,950
Sport, Black, Auto, Alloy Wheels, 72k
Black, 4WD, V8, heated leather seats, 85k
2006 BMW
All Subarus Come With:
$8,950
• 12-month/12,000 miles Warranty on all Head Gasket Issues • Vehicles fully serviced and maintained in-house • In-house direct lending available
Manual, 6 Cyl. heated leather seats
"Yes. 1949 Chevy pickup," replied the old man. The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse," replied the old man. "How old is it?" the banker asks. "Don't know, has no teeth," replies the old man. Finally the banker decided to take a chance and make the $500 loan.
www.rjbandson.com I slept like a log last night, I woke up in the fireplace.
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(continued from previous page)
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay you back." he said.
Local Restaurants & Entertainment
The Jingle Men
He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off. "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asks. You wait till you hear what we come up with for the Digest. It will be memorable and remarkable!
“Put in my mattress,” replied the old man "Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" the banker asked. "Deposit into your bank?" replied the old man. "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it."
Ed & Emmanuel Boucher EAB International Most people know Ed from his music background and the many bands he’s been in over the decades. He is the guy behind many memorable jingles, including the Marden’s catchy jingle, “I should have bought it when I saw it...” and many, many more. Emmanuel, Ed’s son and sidekick at EAB does cinematography and graphic design on a lot of their projects.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
The old man leaned across the desk and asks the banker... "What you got for collateral?" Light takes one-tenth of a second to travel from New York to London, 8 minutes to reach the Earth from the Sun, and 4.3 years to reach Earth from the nearest star.
Since 1953
www.LuiggisPizzeria.com
SUNDAY
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
Baked Ziti
The Fergy
Meatball Subs
Spaghetti Dinners 1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink
THURSDAY Mini Pizza
Riddle Me This Q: What can elephants make that no other animal can?
FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza
SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians with 1.5 Liter Drink
EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $4.99
A: Baby elephants Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Customer: “Waiter, do you serve crabs?” Waiter: “Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.”
Earlybird Special
$
5 OFF any two entrees
Monday-Friday • 2-4pm
✁Expires 10.31.13
L/A’s Best Steaks
UAD
Excellent new menu items including chicken, fish, & pasta entreés Call us for your catering needs
We are expanding! • WE ARE STILL OPEN DURING CONSTRUCTION • Come in and see us!
macsgrill.com
1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. – Jim Davis
Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary
That’s right! Our parents ROCK!!
Angie Larochelle, Melissa Field & Crystal Bergeron All three are the daughters of Claude & Brenda Fontaine
People are like a Tea Bag, we never know how strong we are until we’re in hot water.
Brown Bag Lunch Submitted by Tom Hill
Jimbo and Uncle Andy pull into Mac’s Grill, sit at the bar and order a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican (Mike) approaches them and says, “Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!” Jimbo & Uncle Andy look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Locked Out Submitted by Tom Hill
One rainy evening, my husband and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. He then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy."
Reading Preference I was visiting my son recently and asked him where his newspaper was. He laughed and said, “Dad, it’s the 21st century. We stopped buying newspapers years ago. It saves trees. But you can borrow my iPad.” Okay, fine, whatever. I bet that lousy housefly never knew what hit it. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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Local Restaurants & Entertainment VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant & Best Burgers in L/A area
Book Your Holiday Party Now! Ask about our 80 seat private function room.
Showing every game all season long... in HD! Come watch your favorite team on our 13 plasma TVs!
Follow us on Twitter @gipperssportsgr
HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm • Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com The Kodiak, which is native to Alaska, is the largest bear and can measure up to eight feet and weigh as much as 1,700 pounds.
Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!
Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily
• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu It’s true, we’re regulars at Rolly’s Diner. Good food with good friends... we love it here!
Judy, Cindy, & Julie
87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon
In 1873, Colgate made a toothpaste that was available in a jar.
You might be a redneck if… your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.
Crime Scene Submitted by Jimbo
L/A’S HOTSPOT FOR WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT Football Games
MONDAYS Hospitality Night 20% OFF total bill TUESDAYS Open Mic Whiskey WEDNESDAYS
$1 off Selected Whiskey
THURSDAYS Happy Hour 2pm-closing FRIDAYS Ladies Night SATURDAYS All Day $3.50 Allagash Drafts SUNDAYS Open
OCTOBER BAND SCHEDULE
$8/pitchers
Fri. Oct. 4th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Brookside Band Sat. Oct. 5th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Hauled Fri. Oct. 11th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Scottie Dawg Sat. Oct. 12th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Veggies Lunches Fri. Oct. 18th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Fat Fingers starting at Sat. Oct. 19th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Pop Rocks $3.99 Fri. Oct. 25th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TBA Sat. Oct. 26th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TBA BIGGEST EVENT OF THE YEAR! (under the tent Halloween party) Fri. Nov. 1st . . . . . .Halloween Party w/ The Veggies
Never EVER Any Cover!!
thefirehousegrille.biz 47 Broad Street, New Auburn • 376-4959
20% OFF
Bud Light, Coors Light & PBR Wing Specials
"What happened?" asks the first officer.
Under the Tent Parties Weddings, Private Parties Up to 200 people•Call for details
your first month of classes when you sign up in October!
1002 Minot Ave., Auburn • facebook.com/StevesDojo
Visit or Call 420-0139 FMI
SOMETHING
FOR
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.
EVERYONE!
"Male, about twentyfive, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday and Captain Crunch last week?" "You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
Back Pain Submitted by Jimbo
I was tidying up the house but finding the task difficult because of a pulled muscle in my lower back.
Seafood • Chicken • Steak • Pasta • 2-fer menu • Senior menu • Kids menu
FULL BAR & TAKE OUT AVAILABLE FRIED CLAM DINNER Whole belly, crumbs or batter Located in the former Chick-a-dee of Turner building
$11.99 SEAFOOD CASSEROLE
$12.99 32 Auburn Road, Turner
225-2777 Like us on Facebook
www.landmarkturner.com Tues & Wed 11am-8pm; Thurs 11am-9pm; Fri-Sun 7am-9pm
BREAKFAST BUFFET Sat & Sun 8am –11am
$
5 OFF
any purchase of $20 or more
✃
One per person, per visit. Cannot be combined with any other offers. UAD • Expires 10.31.13
The first transcontinental telegraph message was sent on October 24, 1861.
As I was collecting the trash, something fell to the floor. Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the pain, I stooped to retrieve the item. I couldn't help laughing when I realized it was an envelope marked "Do Not Bend." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub Skösh was excellent. We’ll have them back for süre!
Local Restaurants & Entertainment
NOW Delivering Food! FREE Delivery within 10 miles
Call for more info 345-7040
New Menu!
New
Kids Eat FREE 12 & under Sunday - Wednesday with paying adult (in Pub only)
Happy Hour 4-7pm
Chad & Roxie Pearl
Halloween Party! Saturday, October 26th Prizes for Best Costume • Give-Aways • Drink Specials • Food Specials
Entertainment Lineup
Skösh
Mike Cunnenn & Elaine Girardin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Oct. 4th . . . . .DJ Scotty Dawg Oct. 5th . . . . .Pop Rocks Oct. 11th . . . . .DJ Cold Cuts Relay Races - Cash Prizes Oct. 12th . . . . .Gypsy Oct. 18th . . . . .DJ Scotty Dawg Oct. 19th . . . . .DJ Boom Boom Oct. 25th . . . .Jukebox Night 128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls Oct. 26th . . . .DJ Fitts
345-7040
(Halloween Party)
Chad & Roxanne Pearl, owners President Cleveland dedicated the Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor on October 28, 1886.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when we've put footprints on the moon.
Large Groups Welcomed Call Ahead Full Bar • Free Parking Lounge • Dining Room Private Function Rooms
Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary at the Royal Oak Room in Lewiston
“Best Seafood Restaurant” Ten years in a row.
Award Winning Chowder Family Owned for 3 Generations
Cindy Morin
165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com During the First World War, cigarettes were handed out to soldiers along with their rations.
Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary Beth Favreau & Pat Long Cressey
I’m finding this column to be very HANDy! Who’s that guy photo bombing us back there?
Bill Bergeron, Adam Jones, Dee Dee Whittemore, Julie Poulin, Chris Goding & Lori Gagne Octo means eight. Before Julius Caesar reformed the calendar October was the eighth month, not the tenth.
Cindy & Beth Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Blind Pilots Submitted by Thomas Hill
Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and then the flight can take off. Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. No one is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into
Local Restaurants & Entertainment
WE’RE BETTING You’ll LOVE our food! We’re right on the way to the casino, stop in for a bite. Wall of Fame Inductees!
Family-style restaurant serving breakfast & lunch every day! Home of the Double Yolker
Doug Banks, Keith Wilcox, Steve Parker
of Naples, Casco & Hebron
Egg-ceptional Restaurant
Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!
5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577
Zen Proverb: Knock on the sky and listen to the sound.
ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY!
Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free. Or, pay for two green fees and two play free.
2 for 1 Must present this coupon to receive
ONE FREE GREEN FEE for each paid green fee. Cart fee mandatory for each player. May not be combined with other offers. Good for 18 holes, Monday thru Thursday all day, Friday thru Sunday after 1 p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play. ✃Expires 10.31.13 ✃Expires 10.2
Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63 For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586
SIGN UP FOR A 2014 MEMBERSHIP NOW!
and
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for the remainder of 2013 New membership plans include Young Adult 19-39. Call the shop or visit www.springmeadowsgolf.com for more details.
GOLF CLUB AT COLE FARMS www.springmeadowsgolf.com
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Too many people today know the price of everything and the value of nothing. – Ann Landers
Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire. – Robert Brault
New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039
Endorses the Re-Election of LeRoy Walker • New Auburn Business Owner • Life Long New Auburn Resident
• Founder of the United New Auburn • Auburn Parks Dept. Vote for Leroy Walker Association employee/supt. 39+ yrs in November
Texas Hold ‘em Tournament Sunday, October 6th & Sunday, October 20th Celebration of Life Award Sunday, October 27th Ham Dinner and all the Fix-ins From Noon - 2pm
Come party with me!!
Estelle Chouinard, Vice President NASC
This guy to my left saved my life a long time ago in Greece. I owe you buddy!
Starts at 11 am Doors Open at 10 am
HALLOWEEN PARTY Friday, November 1st 8pm
After all these years, I finally won the coveted award!
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "You know, Jim one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
You could have started by paying for my dinner.
Uncle Andy & Mark Gagne Out ‘n About at DaVincis
Riddle Me This
Band:
4PLAY Give-Aways Costume Prizes 1st, 2nd, & 3rd Place
Month of October: Buy a shot of BAJA ROSA & $1 will be donated to Breast Cancer Falling leaves hide the path so quietly. – John Bailey
Find a six letter word made up of only the following four letters: LVOE A: Evolve
I Need Your Vote!
• City Council Ward 5
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the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane really is in good hands.
Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms. – George Eliot Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary at the Royal Oak Room in Lewiston
Crystal Bergeron & Karen Gruver
Local Restaurants & Entertainment
2
nd Annual
W O L L HA Thursday, Oct. 31st 7pm - Close
Danielle Proulx & Barbara Mandy This column is making us all smile!
Deb Morin & Jeanne Martin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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Live Music Bar games • Costume prizes We are now booking holiday parties! Reserve your corporate holiday party now to reserve your spot! www.sea40me.com Zen Proverb: The obstacle is the path.
Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn. – Elizabeth Lawrence
WEEN
H S A B Try our Spooky Eyeball & Fog Martinis!
Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary at the Royal Oak Room in Lewiston
Ok guys, I’ll face right...
Don Bourgoin
I’ll face straight ahead...
Brian Savard You guys are goofy... alright I’ll play along.
Japanese Cuisine 795-6888 40 East Ave., Lewiston Sea40 Japanese Cuisine
(Lewiston Mall Shopping Center) www.sea40me.com
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong. – Robin Williams
Clay Larochelle Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist, While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, the Opportunist.
The Duke The closest that film star John Wayne came to military action was in 1944 during a threemonth entertainment tour of Pacific bases. His boyhood wish of becoming a naval officer never came true, although he did come close to receiving an appointment to Annapolis. During World War II, he was rejected for military service. Wayne was never a cowboy, either. Odd jobs that "The Duke" held as a young man included those of fruit picker, iceman, truck driver, and movie propman.
Riddle Me This Q: We are all around, yet to us you are half blind. Sunlight makes us invisible, and difficult to find. What are we?
Local Restaurants & Entertainment Every Thursday
Action Packed Thursdays Beer Pong Karaoke Line Dancing
Fri. Oct. 11th Back in Black AC/DC Tribute
No Cover
Saturdays Happy Hour 8-9pm $
1 Drafts 3 Wells
$
w/ DJ Bset Pubside
Sat. Oct. 26th Bee Here Now 18+ $10 cover- Dangeroz, Slammin Salmon, Virus & more
Thurs. Oct. 31st Sat. Oct. 12th First Jason $10 cover (all ages Horrofest 2013 starts at 6pm)
Costume Contest
Fri. Nov. 1st Zombie Apocalypse Tour 2013 All Ages 7pm
Sat. Oct. 19th Frank Santos
R rated Hypnotist
Sat. Nov. 2nd Blackguard
- Metal Band
$10 cover w/ Ascent to Power & more!
A: Stars The only two Southern state capitals not occupied by Northern troops during the American Civil War were Austin, Texas and Tallahassee, Florida. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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Like us on Facebook to get updates on what’s happenin’
150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info I told my wife that a I’m like a fine wine. I get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Elizabeth Taylor has appeared on the cover of Life magazine more than anyone else.
Geek Talk Submitted by Thomas Hill
UNBEATABLE BREAKFAST SPECIALS All breakfast specials include coffee
Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am
Fresh Steak Cut & Ground Daily! 5 Washington Street, Auburn
783-4304 Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm • Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm Phone Orders Are Welcome
MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast $4.25 TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast .......$4.25 WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes..........$4.25 THURSDAY: French Toast ...................................$4.25 FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette................................$4.25 SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage...$4.25 SUNDAY: French Crepes......................................$4.25 Prices do not include tax.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
es r ey u o py for Kee led pee ters trea r o n! trick allowee H this
Winter is coming, get your vehicle ready!
782-5500
David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied.
God is good, but never dance in a small boat.
Call for your appointment...
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Towing Discounts with shop repairs
Auto Repair • Brakes • Engines • Suspension & More Body Work • Collision Repairs • Complete Re-sprays • Custom Paint
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down: ID10T I used to like that kid.
& More! Riddle Me This Q: What five letter word, no matter how you pronounce it, is always pronounced wrong?
845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn
A: Wrong
The typical lead pencil can draw a line that is thirty five miles long.
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Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary at the Royal Oak Room in Lewiston Congrats to you and your awesome team, Brenda. You guys certainly set the bar for a successful business team!
The USA bought Alaska from Russia for 2 cents an acre.
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER
We’ve got you covered! ns Hash Brow
Breakfast es Sandwich
Buy Any size Green Mountain coffee & get a donut for
25¢
$ 50
1
Flavored teas available!
50¢
BREAKFAST PIZZA • BREAKFAST SUBS
& MORE! Adam Dunbar, Brenda Fontaine & Rebecca Leaming
Bring Home Dinner Tonight!
DONUTS MADE FRESH DAILY • Homemade Soups & Chili
PIZZA • ITALIAN SANDWICHES OUR FAMOUS UFO’s & MORE!
• Finger Rolls
We Deliver! In Auburn $20 minimum Come See Our New Look Inside!
Eat In or Take Out Angie Larochelle & Laurie Gosselin When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband.” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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783-7039
GEORGIO’S 740 Minot Avenue, Auburn
783-2981 Open daily 5am-9pm
www.mygeorgios.com Locally owned & operated I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks… and it was way to literal for me. – Mitch Hedberg
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. – Steven Wright
Out ’n About celebrating the Fontaine Family Team’s 30th Anniversary at the Royal Oak Room in Lewiston
Keep the American Tradition...
Go Hunting!
This was just a fun event no matter how you look at it! Especially those clowns on page 37.
Harriet Cummings & Tammy Soucy
Bad to Worse Submitted by Tom Hill
Hunting Season has Started! We Buy, Sell & Trade TopGunofMaine.com Premier indoor shooting range open to the public
481 Maine Street, Poland Spring • 998-2806 Open 7-days a week: Monday - Saturday 11am - 7pm; Sunday 12pm - 6pm
Native Americans used to use pumpkin seeds for medicine.
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” – asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be any worse?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.” Uncle Andy’s Digest...with
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Lucky Number 5
The smile is the most frequently used facial expression. A smile can use anywhere from a pair of 5 to 53 facial muscles.
Submitted by Tom Hill
Featuring I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number "5". It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny diamonds. Jeff's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the 5th race. Jeff raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the 5th race was named "The 5th Element." Jeff started grinning. Then I told him point-by-point what I did that entire day. I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of coffee. I went for a 5 mile jog to clear my head. I took a 5 minute shower to rinse off. I dressed in the 5th suit I found in my closet.
131Vendors Open
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s Alway g n i y u B
500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store
Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!
The Colonial Cupboard
Handmade Shaker Furniture Next to the Undercover Flea Market
VISIT
“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each
In-stock items finished & unfinished Need a certain special piece? We do custom orders and sizes; quick turnaround, quality craftsmanship, and reasonable prices. Open Sat. & Sun. 9am - 5pm thecolonialcupboard21@gmail.com
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Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!
Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market! Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!
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25 trillion cells travel through the bloodstream – a stack of 500 would only measure 0.04 inches high.
To an observer standing on Pluto, the Sun would appear no brighter than Venus appears in our evening sky.
(continued from previous page)
I sat in my car for 5 minutes before starting it. I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row.
As of October 1st we will be switching from TD Bank and using Norway Savings Bank, there will be NO FEES to our customers for cashing Your checks. Automobile & Truck Batteries Die Cast Alloy Rims #1 Steel Prepared/better grading/ better payout Starters & Alternators
Catalytic Converters Cell Phone Scrap Computer Towers Stainless Electronic Scrap Mother Boards • Cores Brass • Alternators
Starters • Motors • Pumps Computer Board Scraps Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions
Paying TOP prices for computer scraps!
We pay EXTRA for copper & brass from LARGE businesses with LARGE quantities! “ You are always treated fairly and with respect!”
Always paying the best prices!
I entered through the 5th admissions gate. I bought 5 programs. I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race. I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start. "Well," said Jeff. "Did your horse win??" I frowned at Jeff and said, "Stupid horse came in 5th."
Riddle Me This Q: Metal or bone I may be, many teeth I have and always bared, yet my bite harms no one and people delight in my touch. What am I? A: A comb
BATTERY & CORE Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler
(prices subject to market changes) Mon - Fri 7am - 7pm
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6 1 5 - 7 0 57 o r
795-8887
The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one in 67 million.
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Over 250 million Slinky toys have been sold since its debut in 1946.
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Annually Americans eat 45 million turkeys at Thanksgiving.
In 1933 a night's stay in a double room at the famous Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in New York City was $9.00. A single cost $6 and a suite $20.
The People of You Know Where
BREATHE SAFETM INTERIOR ZERO VOC FINISH FROM MURALO. You want the best for your family, and with Muralo Breathe Safe™ you get just that. Breathe Safe™ is virtually odorless and free of VOC’s, while still keeping the high performance properties you’ve come to expect from a Muralo product.
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Stock Frames FRAMES 8x10 up to 12x16
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Used Commercial Buildings for Sale bout Ask a ry and e Delivet-up S
Starting at $5.50/sq ft & up
For more info. Call 207-515-1119
Atari had to bury millions of unsold "E.T." game cartridges in a New Mexico desert landfill in 1982.
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The People of You Know Where
Honeybees have hair on their eyes.
A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! DAILY SPECIALS MON. 2 Crabmeat Rolls . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99 w/salad & chips
TUES. Chicken Parmesan . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99 w/salad or cole slaw
WED. Chicken Pot Pie . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6.99 w/potato & rolls
THURS. 2 Lobster Rolls . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 w/ salad & chips
FRI. & SAT. Fried Haddock . . . . . . . . . . .$11.99 Prime Rib Au Jus . . .sm. $13.99 lg. $16.79
Check Out Cole Farms Pub!
NFL Network
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0n the Big Screen TV’s 14 Beers on Tap Full Bar
$1.00 OFF Drafts $5.00 Margaritas
64 Lewiston Road, Gray 657-4714 www.ColeFarms.com
4pm - close Great Pub menu after 9pm
Cole Farms Pub Susan Simonson of Westbrook Football fan is a great place to or not, the Pub is a watch the Patriots, great new addition to the Giants, or your favorite team! Cole Farms!
JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE
Riddle Me This Q: When asked how old she was, Kim replied, In two years I will be twice as old as I was five years ago. How old is she? A: She is 12 The first female athlete to appear in a Wheaties "Breakfast of Champions" television commercial was Mary Lou Retton, shortly after her gold medal win at the 1984 summer Olympics. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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We Now Accept Credit Cards!
Jill Koenig
Val Dougherty
of Gray
of Westbrook
New Homes Sun Rooms Garages “The Difference is in the Details”
Call 753-9887 or 576-8528
Call us for your FREE quote! Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.
OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available
In the 1970s, “Piano Man” Billy Joel appeared in a TV commercial for Bachman Pretzels.
Detroit, Michigan has more registered bowlers than any other city in the USA.
Be Fashion Forward this Fall Come see any one of our expert stylists!
We are a full service salon... • Colors • Cuts Ann Dumais
Kelly Giambra
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Kim Galgovitch Angella Brissette
• Foils • Pedicures • Manicures Get Your Hair Done Before Work! We’re open at 6:00am 4 days a week!! • Waxing Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm
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14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston
The Olympic was the sister ship of the Titanic, and she provided twenty-five years of service.
Join Us! for lunch or dinner
HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268
Call us! No Separating Required!
743-3891 HARRIS BROS.
730 Center Street, Auburn • 3764855 jasminecafemaine.com
SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD
Used Commercial Buildings for Sale bout Ask a Set-up & livery
RMJ Collections • Lingerie size 0-6x • Women’s shoes
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Starting at $5.50/sq ft & up
For more info. Call 207-515-1119
Contrary to popular beliefs, chocolate does not cause acne.
850 Lisbon St. • Lewiston
320-1165 Uncle Andy’s Digest...with
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Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub
My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat. – Will Rogers
We work on all equipment… not just ours! “Dependable, quality service at an affordable price!”
Scott Lessard
Give us a call. We’ll ta ke care of your equipm ent like it w as ours!
Courtney Stewart & Mac Lovely-Perfetta
Light/Heavy Duty Trucks, Tractors, Trailer, All Plow Equipment Repairs & Service Servicing all makes & models of heavy equipment & trucks Licensed Inspection Station • Hydraulic Hoses made on-site & more!
Certified Fisher Plow Dealer
Denny Bly
John Perron
HEAVY DUTY & EQUIPMENT ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE AVAILABLE Kelly Barclay A great little spot for a nice night out. Skösh is a very talented group of musicians!
• Servicing all makes & models of heavy equipment & trucks • Licensed Inspection Station • Hydraulic Hoses made on-site • Light Duty/Heavy Duty Trailers Keep all your equipment clean in our extra LARGE wash bay!
Maine Heavy Equipment Service 20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston Jamie & Sue McAllister Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com Every year, Burger King restaurants prepare over 950,000 pounds of bacon for their breakfast customers.
Former U.S. President William Taft converted the White House stable into a four car garage in 1909.
Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub
John & Sandy Therrien Peace and love are the two things I care about most. We have both here at Shooters.
30% of all bingo players are under the age of 35.
: U O Y G N I T C PROTE t We Do. Is Wha
Kathy Boynton & Stephanie Walker I like the name Mark... don’t I look like a Mark?
Oh stop it, Doug!
s Kerrie Robbin Specialist
232 Center St., Auburn
nce
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The only species of turtle that lives in the open ocean is the sea turtle.
Doug Ellifon & Sharon Baril I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Toy Disclaimers • No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product. • Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks. • Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much. • Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial. • Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man. • Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!! • In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement. • Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously. • Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended. • Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior. • NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's (continued on next page)
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Before 1928, yo-yos used to be called bandalores in the United States.
PLEASE
USE OUR
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Service Rental Sales
Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.
CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT
G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500
We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.
ADVERTISERS! It keeps them advertising and us bringing you this magazine. Macadamia nuts are not sold in their shells because it takes 300 pounds per square inch of pressure to break the shell.
Jim’s Rent It
• Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles
Lowest priced car rental in the area! Car accidents, no problem! We offer insurance-paid car rentals
Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn Toronto was the first city in the world with a computerized traffic signal system.
(continued from previous page)
It costs about 3 cents to make a $1 bill in the United States.
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Submitted by Jimbo
Jane had developed a system for labeling homemade freezer meals. She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf," "Pot Roast," "Steak and Vegetables," "Chicken and Dumplings," or "Beef Pot Pie." However, whenever she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner he never asked for any of those meals so she decided to stock the freezer with what he really asked for. In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food.
MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator
155 Center Street • Building G • 577-6000 mitch@mmdrugscreening.com • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com One-third pound stalk of broccoli contains more vitamin C than 204 apples.
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Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament
The Flintstones cartoon was the first thirty-minute cartoon to be aired during prime time.
Scott Sansoucie We understand that caring for a loved one who has fallen ill, while managing the demands of your own life can be stressful and tiring. There’s no need to go at it all alone, let Assisted Home Care help you.
- We Offer • Personal Care • Medication Reminders • Meal Preparation • Mobility/Walking Assistance • Light Housekeeping & Maintenance • Personal Laundry & Linen • Errands • Companionship • Toileting, Bathing, & Personal Hygiene • Shopping • Socializing & Visits with friends • Respite Care
Hal Small
Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week Highly qualified staff - Certified Nurses’ Aides, Medical Technicians, Residential Medication Aides, Personal Care Assistants supervised by a Registered Nurse.
Cost-Effective service • Rapid Response to Referrals Continuity of Care - We strive to meet requests, ensuring consistent staffing, and working as part of a healthcare team Consistent staffing - We see ourselves as a family, a family that wants to assist you and your family in your time of need
Assisted Home Care II
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Serving out community for over 16 years
(207) 783-7375 • (207) 212-6736
~ Nancy Merrill, Administrator
Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament
Justin Carver Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Laurie Gifford, Ashley Golden Rich Howard & Jean Pratt
It would take about fourteen and half million notes of currency to build a mile high stack.
Five thousandths of a millimeter is the tolerance of accuracy at the LEGO mold factories.
Sarah Jeanne’s
Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub
Tanning & Day Spa
Family Hair Care
77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 795-6778 sarahjeannes.com
We would like to Welcome Sarah Stone to our team, who is a highly qualified stylist. She would like to welcome all her old and new clients to join her at Sarah Jeannes.
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Buy one Salon Hair product then get 2nd product
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One gallon of pure maple syrup weighs 11 pounds.
Real Super Heroes!
Living on the edge
Larry Roy & Ben Hackett and a mystery photo bomber
Window washers at a Children's Hospital
Before air conditioning was invented, white cotton slipcovers were put on furniture to keep the air cool.
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Out ’n About Around the World
Throughout the South, peanuts were known as "Monkey Nuts," and "Goober peas," before the civil war.
Testimonial When I was first approached by Uncle Andy’s Digest I was unsure about advertising in a publication that wasn’t a Real Estate publication or a conventional newspaper. I tried it for a month and I can honestly say it was one of the best decisions I have ever made! 7,000 trees planted to form guitar on a farm in Argentina
Every time my ad runs the phone starts ringing. Customers tell me that they picked up an Uncle Andy’s Digest, read my ad and said “I should call her.” This is the result I am looking for when I advertise. The cost of advertising in Uncle Andy’s Digest is affordable and service is excellent. Thank you and keep up the good work!
India - As if one head wasn't bad enough!
Camouflaged mobile phone tower.
Debbie Bodwell
Residential Mortgage Service, Inc. Ship & tugboat Corinth Canal, Greece Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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181 Center St.; Auburn, Maine 04210 • 207.777.1551 www.rmsmortgage.com/team-me/debbie-bodwell
The word "toy" comes from an old English word that means "tool."
Pucks hit by hockey sticks have reached speeds of up to 150 miles per hour.
Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub I’m the #1 fan of Skösh. I’m father to two of the band members. Don’t miss a show, either!
No, I’m their #1 fan. They all call me Uncle Russ!
Bob “ Bobby B” Allen & “Uncle Russ” Gilbert
Carla Martin & Kendall Thomas Teachers of music we are, and it’s mostly done on Main Street.
Steve Grenier & Samuel Berce Steve and Sam are both music teachers at Main Street Music in Auburn. Steve plays in various bands, including the L-A Harley Band. Sam is a member of Skösh.
The Planters Peanut Company mascot, Mr. Peanut, was created during a contest for schoolchildren in 1916.
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Priceless! Submitted by Jimmy Benson
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
There was a break-in at the Open Door Baptist Church last week. Burglars entered through a rear window.
Trenchless Sewer and Drain Rehabilitation Call today to have a Clear Drains of Maine technician perform a site evaluation and provide you with a detailed estimate for rehabilitating your failing sewer or drain line with our
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Skösh
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make You your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He walks to the kitchen
Skösh band members: Pete Richard, Jedidiah Allen, Tyler Russell, Samuel Berce & Elijah Allen
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TM
TRENCHLESS PIPELINING SYSTEM
You might be a redneck if… your home has more miles on it than your car. – Jeff Foxworthy
Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and you choosing the one that’ll get you home earlier. – Dan Bennett
(continued from previous page)
and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 a.m. by cab, pissed out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you staggered in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. All in all, one hell of a performance, Dad." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"
Why Men Are Not Secretaries: Husband's note on refrigerator to wife: "Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst Beer is normal. I didn't know you liked beer." Baskin Robbins plain vanilla ice cream is the number one selling flavor and accounts for a quarter of their sales.
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Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. – Steven Wright
Getting your picture in Uncle Andy’s: LOVELY! Huh, Mac?
Comedians, they’re everywhere...
Hilda Bracket & Mac Lovely Perfetta Employees of Shooters
Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get. (Just ask the people at Your Best Skin).
Out ’n About Around the World
Little Known Fact Odie the dog, Garfield's best friend, first appeared on August 8, 1978, in Jim Davis' comic strip, Garfield. Trivia buffs: Odie was based on a car dealership commercial written by Jim Davis, which featured Odie the Village Idiot. Davis liked the name Odie and decided to use it again. Auto racer Dan Gurney was one of the first U.S. drivers to use rear-engine race cars. He won the Le Mans race (1967), and finished second in the Indianapolis 500 twice (1968 and 1969). Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Statues bigger than you thought - Easter Island
El Penon de Guatape - 650’ stone - Colombia
A chicken with red earlobes will produce brown eggs, and a chicken with white earlobes will produce white eggs.
Reading the Digest is like being on vacation.
Angie & Alex Jacobsohn by the pool at Excellence Riviera in Cancun (on their honeymoon) reading Uncle Andy’s Digest on their Kindle. What were they thinking?
Out ’n About in Mexico Just strummin’ my porcelain strings...
The digital edition of the Digest won’t blow away in the tropical breeze!
DAVE IRELAND BUILDERS, LLC
Pablo Angie & Alex’s mascot
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Scallops have approximately 100 eyes around the edge of its shell.
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The People of You Know Where
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Out ’n About at Shooters Sports Pub
Rob & Katie Maheux, Becca & Dave Barnes, Morgan & Ben Hackett
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
Is Your Website Friendly? “72% of consumers want Mobile-Friendly websites.” – Google Research Websites that aren’t mobile-friendly annoy users and that’s bad business! We offer... Mobile friendly websites you can afford!
GET YOUR BUSINESS THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES! Consumers are doing more business on mobile devices, including shopping and product research. They are more likely to buy online when the site meets their mobile needs.
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
Call TOD AY to get yo ur mobile-f riendly site!
UADwebsites.com • 783-7039 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Infants spend more time dreaming than adults do.
The most popular Twizzler candy flavor is strawberry.
Veterans Day Fact Veterans Day honors soldiers of all wars. It commemorates the day the Armistice was signed ending World War I in 1918. It's also known as Armistice Day, Victory Day, Remembrance Day (in Canada and Great Britain), Waffenstillstand Day, or World War I Memorial Day. Regardless of what you may call it, please remember to honor all soldiers... every day. "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"
The Koala bear is not really a bear, but is really related to the kangaroo and the wombat.
– Charles M. Schulz
Out ’n About Around the World Great shot from above of Niagara Falls in Canada
Driving tunnel thru a Giant Sequoia in California
2.5 cans of Spam are consumed every second in the United States.
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Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament
Serving ice cream on cherry pie was once illegal in Kansas.
Great shot of a Supercell storm cloud
Uncle Andy thinks one person from each of these teams missed the memo on shirt color...
Phil January, James Bonsant, Dennis Christner & Jeff Palmer
Tyler Ferguson, Bill Nason, Bob Pierce & George Deeley
Seniors who drink a cup of coffee before a memory test score higher than those who drink a cup of decaffeinated coffee.
Superior Paving Company
782-4010 Commercial • Residential • Industrial Driveway Paving • Asphalt Repair • Asphalt Removal • Parking Lot Paving Snow Plowing • Snowblowing & Removal • And More!
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Serving all of Maine for over 40 years! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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Not all polar bears hibernate; only pregnant females polar bears do.
Asthma affects one in fifteen children under the age of eighteen.
Our Friendly Team!
Join Us!
Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament Uncle Andy’s Digest thinks these guys look great in PRINT... just saying.
October 21st 1-7pm for Isabella’s Challenge Back from L to R: Taylor, Cori, Kelly, Terry & Linda Front from L to R: Jennifer, Michael, Kathy, Tina & Nuria
Call for an Appointment for a FREE blunt cut to donate. See page 44 for details.
Tom Printup
392 Center Street, Auburn
786-0112 HairByGregorys.com
Additional styling at regular salon prices
The first TONKA truck was made in 1947.
Out ’n About at Poland Regional High School with the Harlem Wizards
Dan Printup
A fundraiser for the high school
David Printup
Bill Printup Sugar Bear (the mascot for Golden Crisps cereal) was born in 1963.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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Out ’n About Around the World
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Tired of how your old deck looks? Need a new deck?
CALL THE DECK DOCTORS! Stephen Adamczyk, Deck Repair Expert
Call 713-9090 for your FREE estimate! Facelift Your Property
www.setwright.com
Rooftop garden - New York
Out ’n About with Billy Jacobs at Bear Necessities
Tibetan Mastiff Dog - Sold for 1.5 Million Dollars
Kelly Hageman, Gail Hageman, Billy Jacobs & Flo Holmes
On Sale Now!
A Smart car?
FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP
WOOD • COAL • GAS • PELLET Quiet, clean, elegant stoves. Several styles to choose from.
Golf course Somewhere in Australia
“Are you an organ donor?” “No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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783-7039
Qualifies for $300 tax credit!
1220 Center St., Auburn
784-9249 www.firesidestoveshop.com
The Simpsons is the longest running prime-time animated series on television history.
Since July 2013
Maggie
Bentley R.
Sinceber Septem09 20
Since February 2009
Rhazz
FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT We have 6,000 sq. ft. of indoor heated comfortable play area. We are the only facility in the state that offers everything for your pup, from daycare to grooming, transportation, dog food and supplies all under one roof!
No payment contracts! If your dog doesn't come to play, you don't pay!!
Est. 2008
thedoggzinn@gmail.com • facebook.com/thedoggzinn http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com
Dog Grooming, Daycare & Boutique a Dakot
Oliver
Lexie
Sin Septemce 2013ber
Since March 2013
FULL DAYS OF PLAY AS LOW AS
$16 PER DAY! Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers
65 Washington St., Auburn • 333-3640
Since h Marc 2011
Out ’n About with Billy Jacobs at Bear Necessities
Math class is full of drama. There are so many problems to work out.
in Auburn
THE BEAR NECESSITIES Primitive Home Decor & Gift Shoppe Billy Jacobs & Andrea Hammond
Enter a world of a simpler time... As you enter our shoppe, you are embraced with warm scents and a great selection of primitive, colonial and country home decor, custom made furniture and needful things! Owners - Tammy & Gerry Charette
We have expanded! We now fill nine rooms on two floors in a 1900’s colonial home.
Billy Jo Morrison & Brian Charette Winners of the best looking scarecrows contest
Handy Submitted by Jimbo
Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.”
• • • • • • • • • •
Johnston Bench Works Reproduction Furniture Old Village Paints Primitive/Colonial Lighting Family Heirloom Weaver Textiles Window Treatments 1803 Candles • Potpourri • Pottery Room Sprays • Quilts • Braided Rugs Scarecrows • Prim Pumpkins Gift Certificates • Clubs • Layaways
NOW OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK! Hours: Monday-Saturday 10-5
Sunday 11-3
35 Vernon Street in Auburn 786-0992
“Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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THIRD GRADE SCIENCE: To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are sill all mixed up.
Logo Contest Winner
The longest distance a deepwater lobster has been recorded to travel is 225 miles.
READY OR NOT. It’s NOT too early to start thinki Dr. Chen & Jonathan Svor Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry recently ran a logo design contest to see who could come up with the best logo for their practice. There was many great entries and it was a tough choice, but Jonathan had the winning entry. See the Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry ad somewhere in this magazine to see their new logo.
Attention Landsc apers & Contractors!
Money Sav
We sell bulk san d/salt and straig ht salt. Call us for yo ur snow removal needs!
Estate Planning Submitted by Tom Hill
Robert went to his lawyer and said, “I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.” The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, “Not a problem, leave it all to me.” Robert looked somewhat upset and said, “Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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783-7039
20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston
784-7944
www.stlauren The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
The most dangerous job in the United States is that of a fisherman, followed by logging and then an airline pilot.
Out ’n About at the Fire and Slice Golf Tournament
... IT’S COMING!
ng about the upcoming season!
Tom Doherty, Matt Magill Mike Allen & Dave Hodgkiss
ving Multi-Year Contracts Available Ask Today!
Commercial Plowing Sanding, Salting Snow Removal
Miguel Gonzalez, Tom Wyman, Peter Moulton & Dave O'Donnell
Bob Baiguy, Brandi Webber, Reggie Grant & Scott Raynor
Call us for a FREE Quote!
Bill Murphy, Scott Whalen, Steve Simard, Gary Simard
Locally owned and operated since 1970!
Freeport Fire Rescue
Fully Insured • EOE
ntandson.com Paul Hunn holds the record for the loudest burp, which was 118.1 decibels, which is as loud as a chainsaw.
PM Construction Team Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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Dessert First
THIRD GRADE SCIENCE: Dinosaurs used to smell bad, but they don’t anymore because they are extinct.
Submitted by Jimmy Benson
One day I had lunch with some friends. Jim, a short, balding golfer type about 80 years old, came along with them---all in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Jim who said, “Ice Cream, please. Two scoops.” I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. “Along with heated apple pie,” Jim added, completely unabashed. We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Jim as his pie a-la-mode went down. The other guys couldn't believe it. They ate their lunches silently and grinned. The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Jim. I lunched on white meat tuna. He ordered a parfait. I smiled. He asked if he amused me. I answered, “Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?” He laughed and said “I'm tasting all that is possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.” This year I realized how (continued on next page)
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A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
Ramses II, a pharaoh of Egypt died in 1225 B.C. At the time of his death, he had fathered 96 sons and 60 daughters.
Now available in Oil Rubbed Bronze
Partnering with Professionals
Make an appointment with our showroom consultants to get easy access to a “World of Choices,” ideas and advantages.
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old I was. (He grinned) I haven't been this old before. “So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many trout streams I haven't fished. There's more hot fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead. There are too many golf courses I haven't played. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips and cokes.
Glenda Mitchell: 514-1136 gmitchell@redlon-johnson.com
Tim Fox: 514-1137 tfox@redlon-johnson.com
3 Middle Street, Lewiston showroom.redlon-johnson.com
Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail
Showroom Hours: Mon., Tues., Wed., Fri. 8AM - 4:30PM Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED
THIRD GRADE SCIENCE: A spine is the long bone that goes down your back. Your head sits on one end and you sit on the other.
I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace. I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want untimed long distance calls to the folks I love the most. I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind on my face. I want to be in love again. So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired.”
20% off all Pro Tools & Products
Join Us Oct. 11th 4-7pm Streaking for Breast Cancer All proceeds go to support Breast Cancer
All About You Salon 41 Broad Street, Auburn
784-5407
In Belgium, there is a museum just for strawberries.
With that, I called the waitress over. “I've changed my mind, " I said. "I want what he is having, only add some more whipped cream!” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
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Are you this busy?
The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. – Eric Hoffer
Lake City Exports turns 10! Introducing our new Pick Up & Drop Off Service! That’s Right... We’ll pick your car up, wash it and return it to you!
Call for details! Come see us for:
Come celebrate with us... • Great deals all month
• Basic Car Wash all by hand
• Weekly giveaways
• Full Recons • Multi-car Discounts Offered
•
• Superior Cleaning Products • Satisfaction Guarantee • References Available Upon Request
OPEN HOUSE
Saturday, October 26th ALL DAY we’re still This is why e do! bout what w passionate a
Ridiculous deals all day long!
You’ll smile, too, when you see our entire inventory on our website.
We have something for everyone!
LIQUID SUNSHINE CAR WASH
& DETAIL 865 Sabattus Street Lewiston 333-3004 Hours: Mon- Fri 9:00am - 5:00pm Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm
LakeCityExports.com Join us for our Open House on October 26th. We’d love to show you around!
Derek Dube back in the day
867 Center St. Auburn • 753-0033 www.lakecityexports.com Men say that women should come with instructions, but have you ever seen a man read instructions?