VEX Magazine (issue #24)

PLUS: BROOKE BILLINGSLEY’S SIZZLING PICTORIAL! PROUDLY CANADIAN

SINCE 2001

ALBERTA’S LEADING LIFESTYLE AND ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE FOR MEN 2009 ::: VOLUME 1 ::: ISSUE #24

WHISKEY WIZARD

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CONTENTS ��� 2009 :: Vol.1 :: Issue #24

32 VEX GIRL

Brooke Billingsley 30 We Rate It

Don’t get snookered by overrated pool tables.

40 Beer Critic

It’s pricey, but think of it as an investment.

42 Grapevine

We do a little name dropping.

photo by Trevor Howell / 323PhotoGrafix.com

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50

Jay Whitford

56

Texas Hold’em

58

The Gun Show

He makes his living by dislocating people’s limbs.

Yet he has no mafia ties that we’ve been able to find.

Have you been losing your shirt at the tables lately?

Follow these few simple steps and learn how to play like a pro.

Get into the gym and pump those puny arms up into massive pipes.

Where the @#$% do I find a copy?!!!

Find Your FREE Copy of VM Today!

Rack Locations in Calgary CALGARY, AB ::: NW FATS Bar & Grill 506 – 10 St. NW Guitarworks 602 – 16 Ave. NW Loco Lou’s 1324 – 16 Ave. NW Maruju Sushi 919C Centre St. NW Red Rock Bar & Grill #105, 60 Crowfoot Cres. NW Regal Beagle Pub 410 – 14 St. NW Rips Pub & Eatery 810 Crowfoot Cres. NW

CJAY92 FM 3rd Flr, 1110 Centre St. NE Cedars Deli 3103 Edmotnon Tr. NE Dairy Queen 1906 Centre St. NE Gold’s Gym Northgate 495 - 36 St. NE Northview Vietnamese Village 944 – 65 Ave. NE Paddy O’Leary’s 8294 Centre St. NE Powerhouse Café 1709 – 8 Ave. NE (in back of Fitness Plus)

Riverstone Pub 773 Northmount Dr. NW Stavros Pizza & Sports Bar 7750 Ranchview Dr. NW Stolo’s Pub #25, 6219 Centre St. NW TOPS Restaurant & Lounge 5602 – 4 St. NW University of Calgary Campus Bookstore, MacEwan Hall (Bsmt) Scurfield Hall South (215 Haskayne Place NW)

CALGARY, AB ::: SE AXE Music 4040 Blackfoot Tr. SE Balkan Deli & Restaurant #2, 6115 – 4 St. SE Boomtown Pub & Patio 135 Southland Dr. SE (inside Best Western Inn) Brewster’s #232, 755 Lake Bonavista Dr. SE

CALGARY, AB ::: NE

Chalks Billiards 15150 Bannister Rd. SE

Beckham’s Pub & Eatery 1355 - 32 Ave. NE

Folk Automotive 4232 – 16A St. SE

Black Bull Pub 53 Hunterhorn Rd. NE

Li’l Big Horn Saloon 3716 – 61 Ave. SE

Bridgeland Esso Memorial Dr. & Edmonton Tr. NE

Liquor-On-The-Go 3716 – 61 Ave. SE

Mediterranean Grill #108, 6008 MacLeod Tr. SE OC’s Billiards #134, 13226 MacLeod Tr. SE Pita Express 237 – 8 Ave. SE Riverbend Station 40 Riverglen Dr. SE St. George’s & Dragon Pub 13750 Bow Bottom Tr. SE Station 52 1806 – 52 ST. SE Swans of Inglewood 1336 – 9 Ave. SE

Ducky’s Pub 2100 – 4 St. SW Friar’s Pub Glenmore Landing SW Golden Cue Billiards 4340 MacLeod Tr. SW Green Bean Roast House 601 – 1 St. SW

CALGARY, AB ::: SW & Downtown

Jack Daws Pub 1901 – 10 Ave. SW

The Blind Beggar Bar & Grill #106, 5211 MacLeod Tr. SW

Murph’s Pub & Restaurant 630 – 8 Ave. SW

Buffalo Bob’s #126, 3715 – 51 St. SW

Pete’s Peanut Pub 7337 Sierra Morena Blvd. SW

Bull & Finch Pub #190, 10233 Elbow Dr. SW

Rose ‘n Crown 1503 – 4 St. SW

The Burger Inn #108, 1711 – 4 St. SW

Rush Hour #100, 815 – 8 Ave. SW

Café Danois 500 – 5 Ave. SW (mezzanine)

Ship & Anchor Pub 534 – 17 Ave. SW

Crowfoot Liquor 1402 – 14 St. SW Daily Globe News 1004 – 17 Ave. SW Daily King Convenience Store 840 – 5 Ave. SW Dicken’s Pub 805 – 9 Ave. SW

Shuckaluck’s Public Ale House #11, 11440 Braeside Dr. SW Soho Bar & Grill 801 – 6 St. SW Union Jack’s #20, 523 Woodpark Blvd. SW Wolfman’s Pub 2118 – 33 Ave. SW

CONTENTS ��� 2009 :: Vol.1 :: Issue #24

16 20 VEX-FILES: THE WACKY WORLD OF SPORTS

44 INTERVIEW: MASTER DISTILLER CHRIS MORRIS

52 BEHIND THE WHEEL: 2009 YAMAHA FX NYTRO MTX

FRESH FACES: JACQUELINE GROLEAU

8 Publisher’s Note

14 Jokes

28 Small World

Just because he owns this magazine, he thinks he can spout off every issue!

Why not have a laugh? It doesn’t cost anything and you’ll feel so much better.

Giving a whole new meaning to the word Skyscraper. Check out the Burj Dubai.

10 Letters

15 Dambra’s Damage

60 Mind Games

We understand we’re not perfect, but you do realize we’re FREE, right?

Some words of wisdom from the immigrant New Yorker.

Do you know your movies well enough to fill in the missing words of dialogue?

12 Ask The VEXperts

18 Tuned In

64 Parting Shot

Facing your hard-hitting questions headon in an effort to find the truth.

Tired of the same seven songs on the radio? Here are some new tracks for ya.

The lovely and exotic Melony Marquez says “take my hand, but no kissy-kissy.”

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CONTRIBUTORS ���

Publisher / Editor-in-Chief

Mark G. Bilodeau

Vice President / Associate Editor

Jeremy Nielsen Artistic Director

David Aaronson Director of Design

Andrew DeVore Senior Designer

Damian Fehmel Production / Pre-Press Assistant

Bonny Leung

Chief Photographer

Trevor Howell | www.323PhotoGrafix.com Contributing Photographers

Mark G. Bilodeau, Mike Bradley, Ryan English, David Ford, Jeremy Nielsen, Robert Sebree, Cory Shannon, Randall Slavin Contributing Writers

David Berrade, Christopher Bloomfield, Matthew Browman, Mike Dambra, Scott Dumas, Gerry Krochak, John McCormick, Seth Miller, Matthew O’Brien, Jonathan Stoddart Contributing Artist

Nate Schmold

Graphic & Web Design

Mathieu Prouse PrePress

Russell Greenlay Minister of Propaganda

Pete James | pjames@vexmagazine.com Advertising Inquiries:

Calgary Sales Office Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 (403) 520-0116 info@vexmagazine.com Distributed by

Gallant Distribution Systems Canada Post VEX Magazine.com Ltd. VM is published six times per year by © 2008 VEX Magazine.com Ltd. All Rights Reserved.

PM41481024 Return undeliverable items to: VEX Magazine.com Ltd. Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 info@vexmagazine.com www.vexmagazine.com GST# 86889 5715 RT0001

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PUBLISHER’S NOTE ���

Y

ou know, it’s funny ... there seems to be this popular consensus among some people I know, that this letter I write every issue is my favourite part of the whole magazine. They seem to carry this notion that I’m sitting at my desk in my office, twisting some imaginary handlebar mustache, plotting the next way I’m going to preach to my readers and tell them exactly how I think they should be living their lives. The truth is, I hate having to do this every issue! Oh, don’t get me wrong ... I enjoy putting this magazine together every couple of months, and I certainly have a massive appreciation for the readers and advertisers who support it, but having to come up with something to say that carries with it some sense of value every time is actually a bit exhausting.

See, I always feel like I have to try to find some kind of balance. If I simply blab about something inconsequential, I worry that I’m coming off to you like I’m an incredibly shallow person whose just thumbing his nose at the problems of the world. But then, if I get a little too involved in a topic and start to rant about my opinion on the subject, then I’m coming across as sanctimonious and self-righteous. You see my dilemma?

All Trademarks presented in this magazine are owned by the registered owner. All advertisements appearing in this magazine are the sole responsibility of the person, business or corporation advertising their product or service. For more information on VEX Magazine’s Privacy Policy and Intention of Use, please see our website at www.vexmagazine.com. All content, photographs and articles appearing in this magazine are represented by the contributor as original content and the contributor will hold VEX Magazine Ltd. harmless against any and all damages that may arise from their contribution. All public correspondence, which may include, but is not limited to letters, email, images and contact information, received

by VEX Magazine becomes the property of VEX Magazine.com Ltd. and is subject to publication.

To have unsolicited manuscripts, photographs and other material returned, it must be accompanied by a self-addressed return envelope with postage pre-paid. VEX Magazine is not responsible for loss, damage, or any other injury to unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or material.

Reproduction of this publication in whole or in part without written consent from the publisher is strictly prohibited.

I think my favourite letters have always been the ones where I’m sharing some embarrassing little anecdote about something that happened to me. But I can’t control how and when these things happen. I mean seriously, come one, I’m not going to make it my mission to go out and find new and inventive ways to embarrass myself just to please you people. Hey, I love you, but I’m no masochist.

I guess the best thing I can do is to simply work on developing the art of banter. That way, in theory, I could just ramble on about next to nothing at all and still find myself with a full page at the end of the day. That, coupled with perhaps having the designers increase the font size in my letter.

Yeah! Increase the font size! Hey ... what a great idea!

Looking back, I guess banter is something we really take for granted. I mean, just look at this letter. I’ve said absolutely nothing at all and yet here I am, finished.

Cheers!

Mark G. Bilodeau

Publisher / Editor-in-Chief VEX Magazine mgbilodeau@vexmagazine.com

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LETTERS ���

Time For A Little Mail Bonding

You dawgs were howlin’ at the moon for Summer and the Bond Girls, but that still didn’t stop some of you from getting your bitch on.

No Joyriding

I thoroughly enjoyed the write-up you did for the Aston Martin Vantage [Nov/Dec ‘08]. Do you guys have to make special arrangements to get to drive these cars or do you just go down to the dealership and take one out for a test drive? I think it would be kinda cool to take a spin in one of those things ... even if it was just to whip up Deerfoot and back.

Ryan Sertic Calgary, AB Sorry Ryan. We made special arrangements to drive that car. From the time of our original request to actually climbing behind the wheel, it took us a little more than four months. Besides, I really don’t think the guys at Aston Martin Calgary would simply toss you the keys to a ride like that when you’re pulling up in a rusted out ‘76 Pinto.

Hot Summer Nights

Hey VEX, can you see me? I’m actually standing up and clapping for the picture spread you did with Summer [Nov/Dec ‘08]. Bodies like hers are usually only ever found in comic books. She is just crazy hot. I guess it only stands to reason then why she’d be named Summer.

Hahaha! Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for continuing to rock this mag and giving us something worth while to flip through.

Brendan Markel Calgary, AB Tell you what, Brendan ... You go slip into your Spider-Man pajamas and we’ll ask Summer to swing by your place as the naughty alter-ego to MaryJane and ... aw hell, you know what ... forget it ... trying to come up with nerdy comic book sex fantasies is just too much of a headache.

Our Man Friday

The interview you did with Chris Cornell was an enjoyable read. I’ve been a huge fan of his work for a long time. Audioslave was a terrific collaboration of musicians and I almost literally shed a tear at the demise of Soundgarden. However, I think he completely sold out on his latest album. Almost to the point that I wouldn’t have called it a Chris Cornell album. It’s more like a Timbaland album featuring the vocals of Chris Cornell. Whatever happened to the good old days of songs like Burden In My Hand or Cochise?

Wade Bardon Calgary, AB Look at it this way. If you could show up at your job, have somebody else do practically all the work and then you take the credit ... wouldn’t you?

A Moral Victory

I felt compelled to write in and congratulate you on the segment you did about all of the various Bond Girls. There has been much coverage on the girls from the latest Bond flick, but it’s usually in a form similar to your VEX Girls (i.e. scantily clad, they’re only seen as sex symbols, etc.) However, even as trivial as the assorted factoids were, your use of the girls from actual scenes in the films, rather than strictly bimbo pics, kept the focus in the information and not on the cleavage.

Cynthia G. Calgary, AB Huh? ... what’s that? ...

Oh, sorry Cynthia. Did you say something? We were too busy flipping through the new issue of Playboy. Man, check out the rack on this chick!

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Everyone who had their letter published in this issue has received a copy of the latest CD from Theory Of A Deadman, Scars and Souvenirs.

If you’d like to have your letter printed in VM, write to us at info@vexmagazine.com.

IT’S COMING!

The VEX Magazine Charity Golf Invitational ... are you ready for it?

Check online at www.vexmagazine.com for future information updates.

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VEXPERTS ���

What makes an NBA basketball different from mine?

Not all basketballs are created equal.

Too bad about that nylon thread. For the sanctity of the sport, we always like to stick to tradition. But then again, any excuse to kill a cat gets our vote.

This rubber bladder appears to be a lot stronger than your aunt Winnie’s.

A fine pair of boots and two wallets were sacrificed just so this ball could be made.

Just think ... thousands of small children on the other side of the planet are painstakingly sitting at a table painting little black stripes, earning pennies a day, just so a few hundred grown men on this side of the planet can earn $18M+ per year. Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it? Those sweet kids. God bless ‘em.

There’s a reason why an official NBA game ball costs you an arm and a leg, while the one you got at Wal-Mart was only $19.95. The NBA has very strict specifications when it comes to the ball they use. First and foremost, it must be manufactured by Spalding. Nike, Wilson, Rawlings and Molten all make basketballs, but Spalding got the formal contract in 1983. (Lucky bastards!)

The outer shell is made with eight panels of cowhide leather. At the beginning of the 2006 season, the NBA switched to a synthetic cover, but numerous player complaints had them switch back before the season was over. The panels used to be stitched together using thread made from cow or cat intestines (catgut), but now it’s just a petroleum-based nylon thread. The seams

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are then hand-painted using a special black latex rubber. Inside is a bladder, made from butyl [BYOOT-ull] rubber to keep the thing inflated. A small disc of the same rubber is inserted opposite the air valve to keep the ball balanced.

An NBA ball is precisely 29.5 inches in circumference and must weigh 22 ounces (Size 7). And finally, it must be inflated to within 7.5 to 8.5 psi. That ball you bang around with is basically an outer shell of urethane rubber and some synthetic microfibers to keep it from popping on the concrete. And the air pressure usually varies anywhere from that of a bowling ball to Jessica Simpson’s head. But the most important difference between an NBA ball and the one you’ve got is usually the guy playing with it.

JOKES ��� Seek and Ye Shall Find

A man spent several frustrating days looking for his new hat.

Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back.

The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

Painful Conversion

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell.

“Marry him anyway dear.” the Mother said.

“Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”

Those Damn Apron Strings

In the town square a nasty crowd had gathered, intending to stone to death a prostitute. From the crowd, Jesus strides forward, holds up his arms and yells “Let ye without sin cast the first stone!”

The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?”

The crowd is contrite, for none amongst them can honestly say they are without sin. Then a little old, withered up woman comes hobbling up, picks up a good size rock and beans the prostitute right between the eyes.

The man responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”

Jesus just stands there with his hands on his hips and says, “Sometimes, Mother, you really piss me off!”

“Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”

Get That Man a Helmet

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” the doctor replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he or she hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’”

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

Padding The Bill

Be Prepared

While leading a party of Boy Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.

“Hold it, boys!” cried the leader. “There’s a very dangerous beast out there!” But it was too late. Several of the scouts had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening.

“Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration.”

“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group.

“I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next.”

A man rushed into the veterinarian’s office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog’s still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead. Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the vet if he could please try one last time to revive the dog.

The vet stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door. The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a “meow”, walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.

The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, “I’m sorry, but there is nothing I can do.”

Resigned, the man sighed and said, “Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?”

Where’s The Beef?

A little farm boy arrives late for school. The teacher asks why he’s late. He explains that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour’s to get her bred by a bull.

“Three hundred and fifty dollars,” the vet replied.

“Th ... th ... three hundred and fifty bucks?!”

The man stammered. “Just to tell me my dog is dead?!”

Annoyed, the teacher demands, “Can’t your father do that?” The little farm boy thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, sure ... but the bull can do it better.”

“Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan.”

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DAMBRA’S DAMAGE ���

Bitch-Slapped by

REALITY

by Mike Dambra

C

omics make fun of everything; it’s what we do. Depending on how brave we are on any particular night, no subject is taboo. The list is endless. From 9/11 flight school to Britney Spear’s crotch shot, our job is to take people’s pain and turn it into a small piece of joy. So try to remember that as my sarcasm flows through this little tale.

I have super sperm. They wear capes and have little double S’s on their undeveloped chests. They are immune to age and even radiation. I fear for the safety of my tube socks. Why, at the age of 45, would I make such a bold Tony Randall -like statement?

Because it’s true. I am about to be a daddy. Me, the smart-ass king of comedy.

To be in a relationship with someone who has cancer is terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. Are they okay? Why aren’t they okay? How can she have such an amazing outlook on life? Why can’t I help? To see someone visit the hospital with the same frequency that I used to go to strip clubs is absolutely horrifying. And to have that same person call every night and unselfishly ask if I’m okay can bring a tear even to the eye of this piece of beef jerky. Radiation three times a week and medication out the wazoo is enough to freak anyone out, but I sat and watched this beautiful young woman handle it all without a flinch. I guess it amazes me so because I cry if I get diarrhea. I need to lie down and forget the whole experience.

Then came the phone call. Gotta love doctors. They know everything about medicine or totally nothing and are as clueless as the patient. Anyway, at the odds of 1,000,000 to 1, we conceived. A baby is on the way. Not only that, but the baby’s immune system is protecting the mother from the cancer. Amazing little miracle, isn’t it? Fantastic, stupendous ... wait a minute; I’m going to be a father! I won’t sleep for another 20 years. I’m 45-years-old! We’ll both be having our diapers changed at the same time! What if the kid touches my comic books? How many times will I have to watch Dora the Explorer? What if it pees on me? ‘Cause that’s usually fifty bucks extra.

The exhilaration and the complete horror of the whole situation has plunked me right in the middle of a good old-fashioned mid-life crisis. How great is that? So in my fifth month in this lovely country, I have decided to add another citizen to your ranks. Another hockey-loving, Tim Horton drinkin’, drivin’ on unplowed streets, son of a me. Actually, if I am bringing a baby into this world and this country, I’m going to make sure it knows how to plow any and all secondary streets.

So as a transplanted New Yorker, I have found this whole experience dizzying to say the least, but what a great time to be in such an amazing place at this time of my life. So the next time any of you come to see a show and hear a comic go off on some taboo subject that makes you fill out a comment card and complain about how offended you were, take two seconds to realize that the attempt at laughter comes from SOMEWHERE. And there is always more to the story than a simple one-liner.

Be safe Canada ... cheers, or whatever it is you people say to each other ... and Happy Valentine’s Day. > M.D.

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FRESH FACES ���

Jacqueline

GROLEAU photographed by Trevor Howell / www.323PhotoGrafix.com

This sexy little bartender works at the famous Billy Bob’s in Red Deer. Can anyone say “roadtrip”?

What’s playing in your iPod lately?

I’m loving the song Right Now by Akon, but most of the time I have anything and everything by Ani DiFranco playing.”

What’s one of your guilty pleasures?

I drink two or three energy drinks a day.

I know it can’t be good for me, but I don’t smoke or do any drugs ... so I figure, what the heck.

What makes you feel “sexy”?

I don’t know why, but I always feel sexy when I’m doing laundry or cleaning the house. Leaning over the washing machine or throwing clothes in the dryer, wearing nothing but my nightie and slippers.

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TUNED IN ���

THORNLEY Tiny Pictures HOOBASTANK For(n)ever Hard, edgy, straight-up rock ‘n roll music. This album doesn’t disappoint. In fact, the more you listen to this CD, the more you realize exactly where the “stank” comes from.

COMMON Universal Mind Control Taking a long enough break from his budding and lucrative acting career to release this, his 8th album, is a treat to true hip-hop lovers everywhere. It features contributing producers, The Neptunes and Kanye West.

FALL OUT BOY Folie à Deux The lads from FOB are back with another batch of nuggets for your auricle pleasure.

And make sure you pop the CD into your computer. Once loaded, you can download a free bonus track from the band’s website.

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The latest from the Canadian rock-meister sits atop the release list on Chad Kroeger’s 604 Records. This, undoubtedly, will have all of the lemmings screaming that the album sounds too much like Nickelback. A lame cop-out that’s more tired than the sound they claim the album emulates. The truth is, this collection of tracks is a refreshing throwback to the days of Big Wreck and The Oaf. This is a terrific rock album and is well worth the time, effort and money to acquire it.

ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS

When the World Comes Down You know you’ve hit the big time as a band when one of your songs gets put on a John Madden video game. Such is the case with this album’s track, Real World, which can be found on Madden NFL ‘09. Congrats boys!

VEX-FILES ���

WACKY WORLD OF SPORTS

Unicycle Hockey

Unicycle Hockey © Julian Orbach

Originating in Germany in 1925, this peculiar form of Canada’s national pastime caught on in Japan before it ever found its way to North America. It was in 1962 in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where the first documented unicycle hockey was played.

You Call That A

Sport?

Just as you were finally letting the idea of ChessBoxing sink in, we found another crop of weird sports from around the planet.

Rock/Paper/Scissors

That’s right ... the internationally recognized method of deciding who has to take the fat friend has it’s own official league. Not only do these rugged hemen strip down to their board-shorts to engage in battle, but there’s an actual National Championship that pays out an astounding $50,000 to the ultimate winner!

Ferret Legging

The people of Yorkshire, England, sure know how to party! They gather in the spirit of competition, cinch the cuffs of their pants shut and then stuff a live ferret down their trousers ... tying off their belt to prevent its escape. Once the little critter in inside, the clock starts. Participants must go commando and can’t be drunk or stoned.

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Buzkashi

This is a traditional team sport played in Afghanistan. It involves team-members riding on horseback and battling for the possession of a headless goat or calf.

Once the dead animal is in a player’s grasp, he’ll do his best to get clear from the rowdy crowd of riders and toss it over the goal line or into a target circle for the score.

Ki-Otoshi

There’s a festival held every six years in Nagano, Japan, called Onbashira. During this festival, huge trees are cut down, stripped and the logs are decorated.

Groups of men will then push the logs down the mountain. Attempting to prove their masculinity, many of the men will try to ride the giant pillar right to the bottom.

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VEX-FILES ���

WACKY WORLD OF SPORTS

BATTERED AND BROKEN

Here’s a typical list of the various injuries that can plague the average NLL player.

Concussion:

Taking a good stiff shot to the brain basket.

Whiplash:

Crosschecking is more common than scoring in this game.

Laceration:

Cuts to the face are generally the result of high sticks, helmet friction or a good old fashioned knuckle sandwich.

Lost Teeth:

A high stick could potentially do it, but this is usually the result of a little pugilism.

Torn Rotator Cuff:

Rifling them at the net can take its toll.

Contusion:

Separation:

More bruises, thanks to a little slashing.

A good solid check into the boards oughta do it.

Abdominal Contusion:

It’s always nice when someone spears you with their stick.

Cracked/Broken Ribs: When someone uses their stick to play the xylophone on your rib cage.

Sprained Wrist:

It’s not what you’re thinking. This is often caused by throwing a cross-check.

Laceration:

It’ll happen when you drop the gloves and start throwing haymakers.

ITB Syndrome:

Groin Pull:

A strain of the Iliotibial Band, caused by all that pesky running.

All that start/stop running can really put a tug on the tenders.

Torn ACL:

Contusion:

This usually requires surgery and about 4-6 months of physiotherapy.

Turf Abrasions:

ATFL Sprain:

This is how a tough guy says “I got a boo-boo on my knee.”

Fractured Fibula:

Breaking an ankle can happen when you’re going full-out.

This is a fancier term for a twisted ankle.

The Big OUCH!: Sometimes even a cup can’t protect a straight shot to the jingles.

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Plantar Fasciitis:

Taking the face-off all the time can result in a strain to the arches.

© This article was originally published on vexmagazine.com in April 2004

Getting hit with that ball can leave a pretty nasty bruise.

VEX-FILES ���

WACKY WORLD OF SPORTS

Classic (non-game) Super Bowl Moments How come these never make the highlight reel?

We’re always so focused on the game, we never seem to have the cameras rolling when the players have their guard down. These are a few vintage moments from Super Bowls gone by that deserved to be revisited and appreciated for their unadulterated candor.

Moon Over New Orleans Jim McMahon

Howie Long

Richard M. Nixon

Eugene Robinson

A cab drops Howie and some teammates off a half-mile from Tampa Stadium due to traffic restrictions and they’re forced to walk the rest of the way to the stadium through all of the fans in order to make game time.

The President calls coach Don Schula at his office at 1:30am, the morning of the game, to suggest a play he feels the Dolphins should run. Schula eventually calls the play in the game, but the pass falls incomplete.

The Falcon DB is given the Bart Starr Award for High Moral Character mere hours before he’s arrested for soliciting prostitution from an undercover police officer. He had apparently offered her $70 for oral sex.

Super Bowl XVII

Super Bowl VI

Super Bowl XXXIII

The ever-controversial Chicago Bears quarterback proved to be in fine form that day. Not only did he lead his team to a 46-10 pounding over the New England Patriots, but during the pre-game warm-up, he treated a passing helicopter and some sports photographers to a juicy view of his recent acupuncture treatment. During the NFC Championship game, McMahon suffered an injury to his gluteus maximus and flew in his personal acupuncturist to treat him prior to the Super Bowl. Later that same day, he would be on a sports radio station both denouncing and making a public apology for what he insisted was a misquote by the local media, claiming he called the women of New Orleans “sluts”, quipping that he was a late sleeper and wouldn’t have been awake enough to insult the ladies.

Jim McMahon © Bettmann/Corbis Eugene Robinson image by Rick Stewart

Super Bowl XX

OUCH!

As a professional athlete, you have to come to expect the odd injury while playing. But do you think some of these afflictions could have been avoided, had there simply been a little more use of the grey matter?

Brent Mayne

Brian Griese

Brent Mayne image by Ezra Shaw / Brian Griese image by Brian Bahr / Jamie Ainscough image by Craig Golding / John Daly image by Quinn Rooney

Kansas City Royals A catcher has to stay in pretty good shape.

Whether it’s stopping a wild 100m/h fastball or blocking the plate when some guy is rushing for home, you gotta figure these boys are pretty tough. Brent, however, had to spend four weeks on the disabled list in 2002, suffering from back spasms. How did he get injured, you ask? He turned his head to look for traffic while crossing the street one day and threw his back out.

Jamie Ainscough

St. George Dragons Rugby players have a reputation for being some of the toughest athletes to ever step out onto the playing field. Australian, Jamie Ainscough, is certainly no exception. After complaining about an infection in his arm, doctors x-rayed it to find that he had another player’s tooth lodged in his forearm. The tooth was deposited a month earlier during a rugby match. Ainscough said he couldn’t remember the incident, but planned to mail the tooth back to its rightful owner.

John Daly

PGA Golf Pro John Daly’s antics are notorious. And most of his injuries stem from some sort of substance abuse or another. But it isn’t so much the injury in this case that’s so bizarre, but rather the way Daly chose to treat it. While playing a round at the Dutch Open in July, 2002, a piece of glass that had somehow found its way into Daly’s hand, worked itself loose and his hand started to bleed profusely. Rather than getting it stitched up by a doctor, the big man opted for SuperGlue and kept playing

Denver Broncos When the blitz is coming, and there are no less than four different 300+ pound freight trains breaking the line, a quarterback has to be both agile and tough as nails. Well, Brian Griese displayed a classic demonstration of “clumsy” and “jaw of glass” in May of 2002.

While at a friend’s house, he slipped and fell on the steep driveway, slamming his face into the pavement and knocking himself unconscious.

Scott Williamson

Cincinnati Reds Probably the biggest worry faced by a major league pitcher is taking a line drive right to the melon. But to wind up on the disabled list because you had to go pee? That takes the cake. It turns out Williamson would cut his 2002 season short by a few weeks when he was unable to move his foot out of the way quickly enough and slammed a bathroom door into it. His not-so-cat-like reflexes would wind up leaving him with a couple of broken toes and taken out for the rest of the year.

VEX-FILES ���

WACKY WORLD OF SPORTS

When Misfortune Snarls

Sometimes fate deals you a bad hand, even when you live your life trying to aspire to greatness.

Jano Baranyai © Getty Images

If you’ve ever thought of getting involved in track and field, diving or any other amateur sport because you figured there’d be less chance of a debilitating or even life-threatening injury, you may want to think again. These athletes found they had to pay a hefty price for doing nothing more than chasing their dream.

Janos Baranyai

On August 13, 2008, at the Summer Olympic Games in Beijing, China, the Hungarian weightlifter was attempting a snatch and jerk of 148kg in the men’s 77kg category. Upon jerking the bar above his head, his right elbow popped and was dislocated. He had successfully lifted 147kg only four months earlier in Italy.

Sergei Chalibashvili

During the 1983 World University Games, held in Edmonton, Alberta, the 21 year old Chalibashvili struck his head on the platform while attempting a reverse 3½ somersault in the tuck position. He slipped into a week-long coma and subsequently died from his injuries, having never regained consciousness.

Salim Sdiri

It was on Friday the 13th (July 2007), at the IAAF Golden League games in Rome, when Tero Pitkämäki lost his footing during his javelin throw and launched it right into the back of Sdiri. The javelin sunk a full ten centimeters deep into Sdiri, puncturing both his kidney and his liver. He returned to competition later that same year.

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From Fame To Shame Athletes you wouldn’t want your kids choosing as their role models.

These guys were sitting on Easy Street. They made it. They beat the odds and got to the pros. Too bad all that good fortune couldn’t change who they were on the inside.

Art Schlichter

A former quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts and a degenerate gambler who has spent a combined 10 years in prison in 44 different institutions.

He once even had his public defender sneak him a cell phone so he could place bets. By his own admission, he had stolen over $1.5M from friends.

Rae Carruth

Denny McLain

The Carolina Panthers wide receiver planned and helped carry out the drive-by shooting of a woman who was pregnant with his twins. As a fugitive on the run, police found him locked in the trunk of a car with $3900 cash, bottles for his urine, extra clothes, candy bars and a cell phone.

Sports Illustrated blew the whistle on this former Detroit Tigers pitcher and his gambling habits.

He and a Pepsi rep, from whom he received an endorsement contract, developed their own bookmaking racket.

Despite being the Tigers’ first $100,000 player, he filed for bankruptcy in 1970.

Isaiah “J.R.” Rider His “East Bay Funk Dunk” may have won him the 1994 NBA Slam Dunk Competition, but it was his depressing career, riddled with fines and suspensions, that made him famous. This former Laker’s rap sheet sports highlights that include kidnapping, drug possession and domestic violence.

AND THE WINNER OF THE “GOT HIS LIFE BACK ON TRACK” AWARD GOES TO ...

Art Schlichter © Associated Press/Lenox McLendon Rae Carruth image by Otto Greule, Jr.

Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson

As if doing cocaine on the sidelines while playing in Superbowl XIII wasn’t bad enough, Hollywood’s lowest moment came in November 1983 when he was arrested for smoking crack cocaine with two teenage girls. Although the girls accused him of sexual assault, he insisted he was giving them the crack in exchange for consensual sexual favours. As a result of his arrest, Henderson spent two years in prison ... eight months of which was in a court-ordered drug rehabilitation program. According to Henderson, he’s been sober ever since. In 2000, he won the $28M Texas Lotto jackpot and started the East Side Youth Services & Street Outreach charity. Once asked by the Dallas Morning News what he does every day now that he’s won the lottery, he replied, “Not a damn thing, and I don’t start that until after lunch.” Way to go, Hollywood!

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SMALL WORLD ���

That’s About The Size Of It

In man’s continuing quest to build the ultimate phallic symbol, the Burj Dubai proves to be the current leader in compensation construction.

Standing a mere 2,684 feet high with a modest USD$4.1 billion budget, it would be safe to assume this building is aspiring to be the ultimate in luxury living and business operation. Boasting office space at USD$4000 per sq ft and residential space at USD$3500 per sq ft, this 160 floor tower is so massive, it takes the state-of-the-art automated window-cleaning system nearly four months to clean the entire facade of the building once. There are more than 7500 skilled labourers currently on the construction team. Mostly immigrant workers from places like India, Pakistan, China and the Philippines. A press report divulged that skilled carpenters were only making USD$7.60 per day, while general labourers were only raking in a cool USD$4 per day. And as colossal as this monolith may seem right now, it too may soon be dwarfed from the desert sky. Hyder Consulting has proposed the MILE Tower to be constructed in Jeddah City, Saudi Arabia, and will stand a projected 5250 feet high. Making it only 30 feet shy of a full mile tall.

800m 700m 600m 500m 400m 300m 200m 100m

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

HERE’S HOW THINGS MEASURE UP 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 - 28 -

Burj Dubai

(Dubai, Utd. Arab Emirates)

818m

Russia Tower

(Moscow, Russia)

612m

Chicago Spire

(Chicago, USA)

610m

Taipei 101

(Taipei, Taiwan)

509m

Shanghai World Financial Ctr.

(Shanghai, China)

492m

Petronas Towers

(Kuala Lampur, Malaysia)

452m

Empire State Building

(New York, USA)

381m

Eifel Tower

(Paris, France)

324m

Calgary Tower

(Calgary, Canada)

191m

WE RATE IT ���

Here’s How They Rack Up

Brunswick is an industry leader in quality billiard tables. We rated their Top 4 selling models. There’s nothing that says you have to take our word for it, but we thought it would be best to chalk it up to experience.

OUR PICK

OLD RELIABLE

Model: “Treviso” $5999 Having this pool table in your home should be as automatic as having a basic black suit in your closet. The upscale design of this 8’ table has plenty of modern-day style. But the classic lines ensure its timeless look will never fade or come off looking like some stale leftover from a really bad fashion trend (like neon-trimmed Sorrels). This is the perfect pool table.

Model: “Park Falls” $5479 This is a great table to have at the cabin or in your basement rec-room. The classic antique pine finish and the simple leg design give it a nice casual feel. At 8’ long, it’ll fit comfortably in most spaces and with twelve different felt colours to choose from, it’ll pretty much go with any décor.

URBAN EXECUTIVE

Model: “Manhattan” $15,999 If you’re that 30-something guy who’s pulling in a comfortable six-figure salary and living in one of those posh downtown loft apartments, this is the table you need to get. The sleek brushed stainless steel finish and six-leg design gives this table that high-end uptown feel that Gordon Gekko would kill for.

PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ

Model: “Isabella” $36,999 With this bad boy, we’re talkin’ strictly high-roller. Constructed from rosewood and Karelian birch, this 9’ monster smacks you right in the face and screams “look how rich and powerful I am!” It’s basically the billiard equivalent of driving an H2 as your winter vehicle because the Jag is strictly for summer.

RIGHT ON CUE

It’s kinda sad to think there are more movies about figure skating than there are about pool. Nevertheless, these are our top billiard box-office bonanzas.

The Hustler

Poolhall Junkies

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Stickmen

The Hustler © 2009 Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC. All Rights Reserved Poolhall Junkies © Universal Home Entertainment Stickmen © Equinox Films

SUMMER COTTAGE

VEX GIRL ���

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photographed by Trevor Howell / www.323PhotoGrafix.com

ROOKE ILLINGSLEY

B B

SHE’LL MAKE YOU WANT TO OPEN UP AND SAY .....“AAAAAAHHH”!

B

VEX GIRL ���

BROOKE BILLINGSLEY

WHY DENTAL ASSISTING?

I was always complimented on how nice my smile was growing up. I thought it would be nice to help others get that same compliment.

DO YOU ENJOY LOOKING IN PEOPLE’S MOUTHS ALL DAY?

Not entirely. I know a lot of people’s mouths won’t be as pleasant as I’d prefer. Those days will be tough. And I’ll have really bad days when we have to extract teeth, because that’s a nightmare come true for me. But I’m sure the first couple of years will be pretty exciting ... and it’ll be nice to be able to say that I have an actual career.

DO YOU THINK YOUR MALE PATIENTS MIGHT ALWAYS BE TRYING TO HIT ON YOU? I wear my hair up, pulled back, with a mask and loose scrubs. If they could see me though, I bet I’d have more people willing to cooperate with me.

ROOKE BILLINGSLEY might just be the best reason why we should seriously consider planning our next dental appointment. Currently studying at NAIT (Northern Alberta Institute of Technology), she’s nearly completed her program to become a licensed dental assistant. They’re the ones who spend 90% of your appointment with you while you’re in the chair ... brushing, cleaning and flossing your choppers. And then the dentist swings in for five minutes to look over their work and take all the credit.

DENTAL ASSISTING ... NOT THE MOST GLAMOUROUS OF JOBS, IS IT?

If I had to pick a day of the week when I feel sexist, it would be Friday ... because Fridays are “no scrubs” days! Yay! I get to do my hair and makeup for the first time in the week ... so it’s a nice boost.

HAS IT BEEN YOUR LIFELONG AMBITION TO WORK ON TEETH?

If I had my way and could live my dream career, I’d want to be a wrestler. My brother is a strong influence on me and he always wanted to be big and tough like the wrestlers ... so I wanted to be big and tough too. Whereas some girls liked the Diva wrestlers, I always admired Chyna. She was bigger than most of the guys and I always felt like I was tough enough to take on the guys too.

We have no doubt that she could have guys lining up for a root canal, but just in case the dental thing doesn’t catch on, she’s got a backup career plan that’s sure to draw a crowd. She’d like to become a professional female wrestler!

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“I’m very squeamish ... and blood will be hard to handle during surgeries.”

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VEX GIRL ���

BRO

“I have a pretty mean punch ... even though I don’t look like it.”

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“Guys should focus on oral

hygiene

because it makes such an impression on the ladies.�

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VEX GIRL ���

BROOKE BI

“First and foremost, I want to be a wrestler ...

Second, I would like to model ... Third, become a tattoo artist ... and lastly, become a dental assistant.

I guess I’m living my life plan backwards right now. I should fix that.”

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BEER CRITIC ���

LAPPING UP SOME LUXURY

Black Albert Belgian Royal Stout? While researching, I came into contact with tattooist and artist of the label, Vincent Hocquet, who has known Carlo Grootaert (one of De Struise founders) for many years. “De Struise Brouwers” translates to “The Sturdy Brewers” – a name which denotes the company’s penchant for making strong and hearty ales.

“Black” refers to its colour, “Albert” refers the current king of Belgium, King Albert II, while “Belgian Royal Stout” alludes to the fact that it’s a Belgian take on a Russian Imperial Stout – an intensely flavoured, super strong ale that’s well suited for Calgarian winters.

by Matthew O’Brien For more beer reviews check out www.beercritic.ca

Black Albert was originally created for a small pub called Ebenezer’s in Lovell, Maine, USA in 2007 for one of their Belgian beer festivals. Since then, it’s become a regular in the brewer’s portfolio and is now available in several countries commanding equivalent and even higher prices than those of the more established Trappist ales, which have been brewed by or under the control of Trappist monks for centuries. What’s more interesting to note about all of this, however, is that De Struise Brouwers have only been around since about 2004 and they make the beer via rented space and equipment in their spare time. That’s right, running a beer business isn’t even their “real” occupation!

Black Albert Belgian Royal Stout

by De Struise Brouwers Woesten-Vleteren, Belgium 13% abv, 330 ml

M

ost of us VM readers are into cars, electronics, sports, music or movies.

We see the latest and greatest and have to have them, sometimes regardless of the cost. Aside from my iPhone, however, I’m more interested in beer and brewing than any of the above. This may sound a little strange, but seriously, when I see a new Belgian beer in town my eyes light up like Oprah at Thanksgiving. An increase in heart rate quickly follows, then the dry mouth, shakes, and finally the embarrassing ritual of fumbling through all the bottles in search of the most perfect one. The whole scene is quite mad, literally a blur; and most often I find myself at the checkout spending well in excess of what I had planned and what the average beer drinker would deem reasonable in terms of price vs. quantity.

As was the case with one of my latest acquisitions – a $12 bottle of 330 ml beer.

That’s right, a bottle about the size of half a pint for $12! To be completely honest, I didn’t think it was going to be that expensive. I mean, I took a brief glimpse at the price tag on the shelf but thought that it was referring to the corked ales packaged in magnums located right beside it. I think there was some denial going on. There was definitely some optimism about the cashier ringing it in wrong. But she didn’t. And when it was time to fork over the dough I felt a little like Johnny Depp in that movie Blow. You know that scene where Pee-wee Herman chucks that big bag of weed at him and says, “I don’t nickel and dime. You want it or not?”

So what’s the deal with De Struise Brouwers

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Vincent further cites that Black Albert was initially marketed with the slogan “get tattooed from the inside” and that Carlo approached him to design the beer’s label with this in mind. As any tattoo enthusiast can see, he utilized a back-piece template, which has a bit of an armour feeling to it and which also looks like an ancient king’s tombstone. I found the design to be quite fitting with the name and overall character of the beer. I must also admit that it was what initially drew my attention to the tiny bottle. Anyone who has tried Black Albert will spout off a range of flavours but I found it roasty, chocolaty, full, silky, smooth and creamy (stout-like) but also fruity, winey and spicy (Belgian-like). The word “divine” comes to mind.

So if you’re a beer fanatic like I am, then you’ve gotta try Black Albert while it’s available in Calgary liquor stores. I suppose you could wait for a local price drop but due to the laws of supply and demand I don’t see that happening. Flights to Belgium, where it retails for about a third of the price, are not exactly cheap and eBay listings also seem to start at double what I paid. I feel it’s ready to drink now but, if you’re inclined, you could age this beer like a fine wine – although it might be less frustrating to watch porn with your hands tied behind your back. Either way, cheers and have a great 2009!

� � �� � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � �

GRAPEVINE ���

Carrying On The

FAMILY NAME

by Matthew J. Browman

tion arrived in South Australia. Though today these names conjure the ripe, dark, spicy and rich Shiraz with which we associate Australia, experts also acknowledge another Australian wine that is the stylistic antithesis of Shiraz.

Riesling from the Clare and Eden Valleys (near Adelaide) is counted among the most individual and high quality Riesling worldwide.

Some of the world’s greatest white wines are made with Riesling and are capable of graceful aging to offer tremendous complexity of aroma and concentration of flavour. Today, bone dry, searing crisp lime and mineral flavours define the Australian style.

H

ow far removed from our roots do we become as time goes by? Upon being named, how long before it is just a name, and the original meaning of and purpose for it goes unconsidered, unchallenged, bypasses our curiosity or search for meaning?

In the wine world, many great wine styles were created by immigrants, by foreign merchants, or by ex-patriots who had new knowledge and technology. Some wines were either invented or brought to international celebration by the countries that imported them rather than the region that produced them. Only very recently did England overtake Germany as the world’s largest wine importer.

If we examine some of the great names in South Australian winemaking we see unapologetic Germanic influence: Langmeil, Lehmann, Schild, Teusner, Kaesler, Lindemann or Blass.

Between 1838 and 1850, six ships carrying German emigrants fleeing religious persecu-

The Champagne region also has a strong German influence (Krug, Roederer, Deutz) as it lies at a crossroads of European trade extending between England and Western Germany on the east-west axis, and running north to Paris and south to the Mediterranean. When the Champagne houses began to establish, both the Germans’ proximity to and enthusiasm for the wines of Champagne enabled and inspired them to apply business savvy.

Britain’s geography and history has also made it a massive importer of fine wine. Because the British Isles are too cool and wet to make any serious quality or quantity, they look to their warmer neighbours (in particular France, Spain and Portugal) for supply. The British history of warring with France and Spain created the need to spread their bets and continue to source potential fine wine zones. If you can’t get Bordeaux, buy Rioja. If you can get neither, buy Port.

Port was not exported, indeed Port in its current form did not exist, until the British established shipping houses on the Portuguese coast near the production zone. In order to stabilize the wine for the voyage up to Britain, they added strong alcohol to the vats which halted the fermentation, left sugar from the grape juice and made the sweet, strong style we know today. Notice the British names of the leading houses: Taylor, Dow, Symmington, Churchill, Smith-Woodhouse, Cockburn, Graham, Gould-Campbell. In Sherry we see Harveys, Williams & Humbert, Croft and Os-

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borne.

Similarly some of the greatest names in Cognac, a region of France near Bordeaux that gives its name to the great brandy, are British: Hennessey, Martell and Hine.

This is not to say that all the great wines from these areas are the exclusive property of the British or Germans. Ferreira, Fonseca and Noval are among the more established Port houses; Alvear, Gonzalez-Byass and Lustau in Sherry; Montifaud, Remy Martin, Camus and Delamain in Cognac and finally Moet & Chandon, Veuve Cliquot and Laurent-Perrier in Champagne. However, the foreign influences cannot be underestimated.

In the old glory days of wine production a name meant something. It was its own brand with which one associated quality and longevity. Proud of a family and its history, driven by adventure, commerce, and aesthetic pursuit, they have lasted time, and in some cases the businesses remain in the family.

These establishments embody a perfect refutation of the current practice of the commercially and agriculturally unsustainable “Wineof-the-Day”. The gimmicky names that invoke critters, colours or obese males conceived out of wedlock, and the irresponsible methods employed to produce these unsatisfying examples sit in stark contrast to the qualityminded, renewable and respectable institutions that survive today.

In a name we can take nothing for granted.

When my great-grandfather arrived in Canada from Russia they assigned him the last name “Browman” because the immigration authorities were too lazy to try to spell, pronounce or transliterate the original. Our family history is foggy at best because of it. On the other hand, the Browmans with whom I reconnoitre are proud of their name, and perhaps this oversight has given us the opportunity to forge our own path, create our own identities and determine our future history, just as some British and German visionaries did in centuries gone by.

INTERVIEW ���

CHRIS MORRIS

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Beast

of

BOURBON story by Scott Dumas

I

remember staring up at the lone bottle thinking to myself, “Why is that there?”

It seemed out of place, yet not out of place. It was a bottle of booze in a bar, but not behind the bar. The fact that it seemed to be displayed on a shelf surrounded by sea life and pirate-like paraphernalia, made it odd but not necessarily erroneous as it did fit the theme of the restaurant. The place, known as Salty’s Seafood Restaurant and Bar, is located on the ski hill at Apex Mountain Resort, where I spent my holidays. The Salty mascot is a life-sized, peg-legged, hook-handed, one-eyed wooden pirate. The theme was obvious and pirates like booze.

Master Distiller: Chris Morris

Woodford Distillery in Woodford, Kentucky

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INTERVIEW ���

CHRIS MORRIS

I had just finished snowboarding (day 2 of 17) and was enjoying a pale-ale while re-hashing the day’s highlights. Contemplating oysters and calamari, I loaded up my visual senses with all the endless crap that donned the shelves.

There were skulls and treasure chests with gold coins and chains, and there were parrots and fishnets and buoys and canes. Amidst all of these relics was this one solitary bottle. It intrigued me so much I made a conscious effort to leave my stool, walk right up to it, take it off the shelf and literally studied the mysterious spirit. I figured it must have something to do with pirates and the sea as it was on a shelf and not behind the bar. I was looking for the connection to no avail. Up until this day I had never heard of Woodford Reserve Distiller’s Select, Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey.

The bottle had an old style to it with a contemporary look. It was elegant and rounded with beauty and appeal. The transparency let the light-brown, caramel colour gleam through.

The yellow, classy and fragile-looking label on the front showed the batch number, 203, and the bottle number, 07612. There was also a statement on the label guaranteeing that the barrel this particular bourbon was distilled in was hand selected by master distiller Chris Morris. Chris Morris’s signature was easily readable next to the words ‘Approved By’.

For the rest of my holiday I spent many hours in this particular establishment thanking the Giro helmet gods for keeping my head safe as I continuously hunted for fresh powder amongst the trees of this amazing ski hill. I can’t tell you how many times in the bar “après-snowboard” I looked up at this bottle and wondered about its existence. No one in the bar seemed to know or, for that matter, care that there was a single bottle of bourbon out in public grasp. Was it because everyone on a ski hill is inherently honest? Was it because everyone assumed it was just a prop? Or was it because it said ‘bourbon’ and in Canada, that’s how we spell ‘redneck’. Now imagine my surprise when, upon returning to Calgary and the realities of reality, I get a call from the publisher from VM with my next assignment. “Scott, I need you to interview a guy for the cover of the next issue.

His name is Chris Morris and he is the master distiller for Woodford Reserve. “ You have got to be shitting me!

One bourbon, one scotch and one “hey, what the hell is bourbon” I would say to John Lee Hooker’s classic riff, while drinking ironically, a scotch and a beer. “A bourbon is part of the whiskey family and its cousins are Irish, Scotch, and Canadian,” is how Chris Morris described it to me over lunch at Buchanan’s Chophouse and Whisky Bar, where we enjoyed a delightful meal accompanied by a couple of Manhattan’s. “A Manhattan is one of many diverse and sophisticated drinks that

can be made with bourbon,” says Morris. He likes to order Manhattan’s to test the bartender. “You never know what you are going to get,” Morris says, chuckling, “if the bartender starts flipping through the drink guide.” There didn’t seem to be any complaints or delays about staff at Buchanan’s ability to prepare a fine looking and delicious tasting Manhattan.

Morris highly recommends drinking his fine bourbon ‘neat’ or ‘on-the-rocks’, which means two ice cubes and no more.

Other popular cocktails include the Old Fashioned and the Mint Julep. Juleps have been made for centuries but it was the Kentucky Derby that made the Mint Julep popular. The Mint Julep is such a hit at the annual soiree, 80,000 refreshing beverages are made in a single weekend. Woodford Reserve is the official bourbon for the Kentucky Derby as well as the Breeder’s Cup, two of horse racing’s most important events. The Kentucky Derby is entering its 135th year. It is the oldest, most prestigious sporting event in the history of organized sports and has been known as the biggest cocktail party in the world. The magnitude of this achievement is hard to put into perspective. Consider this - in 1997, one year after its first batch, Churchill Downs approached Woodford Reserve about becoming the official bourbon. “Kentucky is the epicenter of horsebreeding and horse-racing. They have 18,000 people and 50,000 thoroughbred horses in Woodford County raised on some of the most beautiful farms you can imagine,” says Morris.

He continues, “Woodford Reserve had always embraced horses and horse racing as a consumer reaching device. The Pepper’s and the Brown’s always had horses in the derby. They have good horse credentials and would love to have been the official bourbon of the Kentucky Derby.”

Pretty amazing accolade considering Woodford Reserve, Distiller’s Select is a fairly new bourbon on the market. Production only started in October of 1996 and only became available in Canada in the past five years, which would partially explain why I didn’t recognize the bottle in the first place. The history of the distillery that this fine nectar was crafted in and the experience and knowledge of Chris Morris is fascinating. Morris is a third generation distiller and only the seventh master distiller since the original distillery was built in the late 1700’s. Morris wasn’t a member of the original family but he might as well have been. Asked how he got the position of master distiller, Morris says, “You have to be very lucky. You have to be in the right place at the right time. My parents both worked for Brown-Foreman (the distributor). When I was 18, I got a job working at the distillery. I could have been assigned to the mailroom but I was assigned to the distillery to be the flunky, the gopher for master distiller Lincoln Henderson. I loved working for

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Lincoln and he had a real liking for me.”

The history of Woodford Distillery is as ‘neat’ as the drink it produces should be drunk.

Around 1797, a young fellow named Elijah Pepper found himself distilling. At the time, the art of distilling was a very popular and lucrative pastime in the Deep South, as many Irish and Scottish brought their skills over. Elijah moved from Virginia to Kentucky and started a distillery. He passed it on to his son Oscar, who had the present distillery built in 1838, by a Dutch-Irish stone mason named Thomas Mayhall. It was known as the Old Oscar Pepper Distillery until 2003, when it became

INTERVIEW ���

CHRIS MORRIS

was hired by Oscar Pepper. He is the man responsible for discovering the distilling process known as sour mash. Sour mash uses material from an older batch to start the fermentation in a new batch. It is very popular in bourbon whiskey and Tennessee whiskey like Jack Daniels, Jim Bean and Wild Turkey.

Woodford Reserve Distillery. In 1865, Oscar left the distillery to his son James. Due to financial difficulties in 1870, James had to sell the distillery to James Graham, an Irishman from Louisville, Kentucky and Leopold Labrot of French descent, who was a spirits and wine merchant. He apparently knew Louis Pasteur.

Both of these men’s names are etched in a simple, white font on the present bottles of Distiller’s Select as well as a predominantly raised insignia of an “L” and a “G”. They obviously had an impact. With the war looming in 1940, Labrot and Graham sold to the present owners Brown-Foreman. In the late 60’s, the old distillery was closed. With the introduction of single-malt scotch in the 80’s, the Peppers, who still owned the property, thought it might be a good idea to re-purchase the distillery and, as Morris said, “try and make a high-end, new style, contemporary, premium bourbon for the international whiskey connoisseur.”

The old distillery “was literally covered in bushes and trees and they spent millions in restorations,” says Morris, “but more importantly, they spent lots of money on brand-new, old-fashioned equipment like copper stills from Scotland and Cypress Fomenters.” Lincoln Henderson now had the best equipment possible to make a high-end bourbon whiskey and for 28 years, Morris has been along for the ride. The intention was to replicate the way bourbon was made back in the 1830’s by Dr. James Crow, who was the master distiller, and

With a multi-million dollar facility and a few hundred years of experience, the idea was to make a high-rye recipe with a high concentration of rye to make a complex yet smooth bourbon whiskey. Corn, rye and malt are cooked in water that comes directly from springs running right underneath Kentucky. Being made in Kentucky is not a prerequisite for bourbon, but over 90% of bourbon whiskey is made in that state, primarily because of the never-ending spring water.

In the state of Kentucky it is commonly said that all bourbons are whiskey but not all whiskey is bourbon. “Whiskey is a global spirit crafted from grain,” explains Morris, “it’s distilled below 190 proof, which would be 95% alcohol, stored in oak containers and bottled at no less than 40% alcohol or 80 proof. That is what a whiskey is. It’s the only spirit made from grain and the only spirit that has to spend time in an oak barrel. Bourbon has to follow certain rules. The grain recipe has to be dominated by corn. It has to be at least 51% corn and corn is an American grain that ancestors found in Kentucky that the Native Americans were growing.”

The other criteria for bourbon are: a) Must be distilled at no greater than 160 proof. b) Only new, charred, white oak barrels should be used for aging.

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c) Aged at least two years to be called a straight bourbon whiskey. d) The spirit must go into the barrel at no more than 125 proof. e) Only water can be added to adjust the bourbon to the appropriate bottling strength...nothing else. f) Must be made in the United States.

Whiskey is becoming more popular every day around the world. Woodford Reserve just cracked the Russian market, which would have been unheard of a few years ago. “Consumers and aficionados,” Morris informs me, “are learning that there are families within different scotches and bourbons as well as Canadian Whiskey. Bourbon is smooth and elegant and not rugged like Hollywood makes it out to be.

It is comparable to great cognac and singlemalts. I would never consider shooting back bourbon. It’s too nice for that.”

I accompanied Chris to his next appointment that afternoon. Being a master distiller, as well as a consummate ambassador of a world-renowned bourbon whiskey, is hard work. He was heading up a tasting for some first year cooking students, who looked like they had the same blank stare as I had just three weeks earlier, gazing at this new and undiscovered treat. I really hope they do, but they probably don’t, admire the fine qualities this bottled art brings to the senses. I am only saying that because I didn’t, and hadn’t, given much appreciation to bourbon, or for that matter Woodford Reserve. It took a chance meeting between myself and a bottle. I feel like I met Chris Morris the day I read his signature, but I got to know Chris Morris one frosty afternoon in downtown Calgary. Hey Chris, if I ever see you again we should go for one bourbon, one scotch, and...one more bourbon.

CANDID Q&A ���

MMA FIGHTER PROFILE

•

JAY WHITFORD

It takes a certain kind of guy to willingly step into a cage with someone whose sole aim is to beat you senseless. Meet the guy with that sole aim.

INTERVIEW BY SETH MILLER

Why fighting as a career path?

I get paid to beat people up and I can’t go to jail. It don’t get better than that, right?

Have you ever suckered a guy in a fight?

I always go by the book. It always surprises me when something like that happens to me though ... whether it’s getting kneed in the nuts or a finger in the eye.

What’s the fight you’re most proud of?

That would probably have to be my first pro fight. I got to debut in front of Joe Moreira, who’s a world-famous jiu-jitsu instructor. And the guy I fought was a pretty tough guy by the name of Jeff Entwistle. That was a pretty big moment in my life. Probably the make-or-break point in my career.

Was there a fight you wish you could forget?

Not yet. But I’m a fairly competitive guy, so I think once I take my first loss, that’ll be pretty hard to swallow. I don’t like to lose.

When you’re in the doghouse with your girlfriend, does she lay a beating on you because she knows you can take it more than most?

My girlfriend wears the pants. She’s the boss ... I do whatever she says. But I don’t think that’s any different from any other guy out there ... regardless of what they might say.

Do you maintain a friendship with anyone you’ve fought or is it strictly hate for anyone you have to step into the cage with?

I stay in contact with all the guys I’ve fought. We’re all buddies. It’s a pretty small community, you know, so you’re bound to cross paths. I’m sure it’s out there where people hate each other after they’ve fought, but I’m pretty easy going and I like to joke around and hang out after.

What was the worst beating you ever laid on a guy?

The second guy I fought, I popped his arm out about three or four times. I don’t know how he didn’t tap out. He was one tough bugger.

There was no ‘quit’ in him.

If the MMA didn’t exist, how do you think you’d release all of this aggression?

I’d probably be in jail. No ... I’m just kidding. I’d just keep advancing my martial arts training. You kinda release that aggression in training.

That way, when you get into the ring, you don’t have that aggression anymore ... it’s just instinct.

Who’s the one fighter you can’t wait to get into the cage with?

PHOTOGRAPH BY MARK G. BILODEAU

Anyone who’s fighting in the UFC right now. Just to have a chance to throw my hat in with someone of that caliber and see where I stand.

If you could fight any celebrity, who would it be?

I’d like to choke that little Criss Angel guy unconscious. I hate magic.

Do random assholes in the bar ever try to pick fights with you?

You always run into guys who’ve had too many drinks in them and start shooting off their mouths. You gotta be big enough to just walk away. If they really wanted to fight, they should put their time and energy into training. Then they can go into the ring and get their ass kicked in there.

So, is breakfast usually a dozen raw eggs in a glass and a rare steak?

Nah ... it’s usually something like a Slurpee and an Egg McMuffin.

Can you actually make a living being a fighter?

Most guys, when they’re just starting out, have to work someplace else. I’m getting to the point now where I have some sponsors behind me. If you’re going to take this kind of thing seriously, you have to train full-time. So you need those sponsorships. But the money for the first year or two usually isn’t that great.

Do you look to any pro fighter as your role model?

I’m a big Randy Couture fan. The guy’s like 45 years old and he’s still kicking ass. And he’s just a great ambassador for the sport. He does a lot of things he doesn’t have to do to promote the sport. I mean, the man is practically solely responsible for making the MMA a more mainstream thing and getting it more widely accepted by the critics.

What was the greatest pro fight you’ve ever watched?

The most memorable fight I’ve ever watched was probably the Tankori Gomi / Nick Diaz fight. I went to Vegas to see it and it was probably the best fight ever. Those guys went toe-to-toe and they really showed what it was all about.

What do you hope to accomplish with your fighting career?

I’m just hoping to keep fighting for as long as my body lets me. I’m all about competing ... seeing how far I can push myself. I go into every fight thinking I’m going to lose. I’m not cocky or arrogant. I give everybody the respect they’re due. I mean, they’re doing the same thing I am ... they’re being paid money to come out and take my head off. I realize that. I’m no fool. And when I look back at it all, I can say “I did it”, instead of “I could have” or “should have”.

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BEHIND the WHEEL ���

YAMAHA FX NYTRO MTX

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PINNING IT THROUGH

2009 Yamaha FX Nytro MTX Driven and reviewed by Christopher Bloomfield

I’m a flatlander, as I have mentioned before; I did not grow up in Alberta.

I grew up in the core of Winnipeg, Manitoba, and the only hill there was Westview Park. Not a lot of vertical sledding available, to say the least.

In fact, it is so flat in Winnipeg that there is an actual ski hill just outside of town that is constructed entirely of a quad chair lift bolted to the side of the Winnipeg floodway. It’s the side of a ditch, people!

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BEHIND the WHEEL ���

S

YAMAHA FX NYTRO MTX

o, needless to say, most if not all of my sledding knowledge that I learned in my formative years comprised of me either being towed behind a sled, via a long rope tied to my Super GT Snow Racer along the snow covered dunes of Grand Beach, or hitting a buck fifty while flying across fields or frozen lakes while being just sober enough not to get decapitated by the various farm fences that litter the Manitoba countryside. The first sled that I ever drove was an Olympic from the ‘70s; it was the loaded model because it came with two skis. And that was it, there wasn’t a lot of winter motorsport activities available to the inner city youth of the day other than the two big Winnipeg winter pastimes; stealing cars to keep warm and loitering around Polo Park. Then a few years back, I went back for a winter visit and my good friend asked if I would like to head to Grand Beach and go sledding for the day. Seeing as I haven’t seen a real lake in years (Chestermere Lake is not a lake),

side his giant Walt Healy motorsports trailer.

Not very inconspicuous I might add. So I walk up with my snowmobile boots (Dakota steel toes) in hand and start asking questions and getting a good look at the sled. As we gear up, he takes me through the various features of this model and what it has and doesn’t have in terms of performance capabilities. This sled had a three cylinder, four stroke, liquid-cooled engine that boasts 130hp, but apparently you can’t get any less than 140hp out of it on a dyno. It comes with a 15”x153” Camoplast Maverick track mounted to dual angle rails and dual aluminum piggyback HPG shocks with compression adjustability....so there. Up front is the familiar double wishbone design as you see on most sleds which in all, translates into 7” front and 14” rear travel.

I jumped at the chance to see one even if it was frozen over. So there I was, expecting to hop on this slow cruising machine like the one I drove before when he said, “Here, hop on this.” It was a “mildly modified” Yamaha Apex GT, which as it turned out, was essentially an R1 street bike with a track tied to its ass. Things have changed in the snowmobile world. Things have changed indeed.

chines. Some of the technology has made its way over from Sno-cross, which has allowed the use of lighter weight material and better travel oriented designs to maximize suspension movement. These changes have made this snowmobile into a serious performance machine whether it’s mountain or trail trim.

Fast forward to last week, my cell phone rings and it’s Sheldon from Walt Healy telling me to get my behind in gear to meet him to hit the snow in a new Yamaha Nytro mountain snowmobile. I tell him that I’m excited to try out this sled but unfortunately I don’t have any real snowmobiling apparel. He said, “No problem, just get there and I’ll have stuff for you.”

“Great,” I said, “but I’ve got a really big head and I’m afraid I won’t fit into a regular helmet.”

“I think I know a guy with that same problem,” he mentioned. “I’m on my way,” I says and I head out to the meeting spot. As I get there, I immediately notice him as he is standing be-

The base design of this sled is what is purported to be the new design for the next generation of Yamaha lightweight performance ma-

After we finish talking about the sled I helmet up and climb on it. “What are you riding?” I ask as Sheldon walks up into the trailer. “Nothing much, just a little something we threw together,” he calls out as he disappears inside. After a couple of seconds he fires up what sounds like a giant prehistoric mosquito. Out he comes with another Yamaha sled; down the trailer ramp he comes and pulls up beside me. Apparently, a naturally aspirated snowmobile is not fast enough so he decided to bolt a turbo onto his. Out we go.

As soon as I get into some open space I nail it because that’s what I’m good at. The skis are now about six inches off the ground as I hurl

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myself along on top of this seat-beltless machine and I’m hanging on for dear life. I won’t need the hand warmers after all, I think, as the fear will numb me. It’s quite a different feeling you get when you’re traveling at a buck forty on a sled because with this as opposed to any other form of transport, there are no roads to stay on or paths to specifically follow. I could just go in whatever direction like a bat out of hell for no reason whatsoever. I’m used to following a roadway or track of some sort but with this, I can just go. Turning when you get there is a different story though. You can’t just turn the handlebars at speed and hang on. If you don’t position yourself correctly, you’ll ragdoll off the side pretty damn quick and most likely you will be followed rather closely by a tumbling snowmobile. You have to shift serious weight when you want to turn and when you’re in the deep stuff it gets that much harder.

I do a couple of high speed runs; because

that’s all I ever did in Manitoba really. I hit a few bumps and drove through some deeper snow but I wasn’t able to get into any really serious stuff. I was able to, however get a good feel for the machine and I was not disappointed. To be honest, I spent a lot of the time hanging out with Sheldon, his wife Trisha, and their two awesome kids. We just cruised around with me on the Nytro, Trisha and their little girl on the turbo dealy, and Sheldon and his boy on what had to have been the smallest snowmobile I have ever seen. I went off on a few tangents but always ended up coming back to them just because they were so cool... and to see Sheldon riding the little power wheels sled.

If you’re a snowmobiler, get down to Walt Healy and talk to these guys about getting on one of these machines. For under 15K, you will find yourself on the back end of a machine that is as smooth handling as it is fast. And they have helmets for people with giant melons too.

PLACE YOUR BETS ���

TIME TO UP YOUR GAME

Here are a few helpful tips to improve your strategy at the Texas Hold ‘Em tables.

HIT THE BOOKS

It may sound boring, but reading up on as much material you can find about Texas Hold ‘em will only help you better understand the various strategies used by other players. This is a thinking man’s card game ... much like a chess match. If you’re familiar with the patterns in your opponent’s playing style, it’ll be easier for you to predict their next move.

PLAY, PLAY ... AND PLAY SOME MORE

Constantly playing not only allows you to hone your strategies, it also helps you mask your tells. When you flop the nuts for the first time, you get excited ... and unless you’re pathological, your opponent will be able to read this. Playing as often as possible better allows you to keep your reactions in check and maintain a better poker face.

PLAY FOR KEEPS

Playing in a free online poker room will only

provide minimal practice, at best. Opponents online will bluff their asses off because they know there’s no real consequence. Once some actual money comes into the picture, players will start to better recognize the science behind the game and the flow of the game takes on a much more realistic pace.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED ...

Don’t give up! Becoming good at Texas Hold ‘em is no different than learning to skate or taking piano lessons. It’s hard at first, but if you just quit, you’ll never become a competitive player. You have to suffer a little in the beginning in order to appreciate the fruits of your labours later.

LEARN FROM BETTER PLAYERS

If some guy cleans you out at the table, don’t walk away mad. Stick around and watch him.

Try to learn his strategy and see if you can eventually start predicting his next moves.

Then, all of a sudden, he’s no longer the

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better player ... allowing you to sit back down and take him for all he’s worth.

SWITCH IT UP

It’s generally good practice to play fairly tight as a beginner. But once you start to get a little more comfortable at the table, change your style of play every so often and see how your opponents react. Be that monster who everybody knows is bluffing. It could prove to be a worthwhile investment just to see how the other players deal with you going from passive to aggressive at the turn of a card.

TAKE NO PRISONERS

Ultimately, this game is all about making money. If you find a hole in someone’s game or spot an opponent’s tell, exploit it! Step on their neck and let them walk away from the table naked and homeless. And in case you start feeling any pangs of guilt, just remember what it felt like when you were the weakest link at the table. (OK ... guilt’s gone.)

FITNESS ���

BICEPS and TRICEPS WORKOUT

JOIN THE

ARMS RACE

SUMMER’S CLOSER THAN YOU THINK.

¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ VM’s fitness expert, Nic Russo, has put together an arm workout that will have your pipes ready for the beach this summer.

Ë

Ë

Concentration Curls

21’s

3 Sets ::: 3x7 Reps per Set A single set of this exercise is done in three separate steps of seven reps each (3x7=21 ... hence the name). In a standing position, hold a straight barbell with a close, medium or wide grip.

Step 1: Curl the barbell to 90º and then back down to start for seven reps. Step 2: Curl the barbell from 90º to top for seven reps. Step 3: Curl the whole range of motion, from start to top for seven reps. Then repeat the cycle..

3 Sets ::: 10-12 Reps per Set

1

Sit on a bench and bend forward at your waist. Place your elbow against your inner thigh for support. Curl the weight up and then lower the weight slowly and with control throughout the entire motion. Keep your elbow against your thigh at all times. The most common mistake is allowing your elbow to shift or your thigh to move, causing your shoulder to compensate. If you can’t lift it with the proper form, drop your weight. Don’t cheat yourself.

Ë

Dumbbell Preacher Curls

Â

Â

Â

Â

Â

Â

2

3

3 Sets ::: 10-12 Reps per Set Doing one-handed dumbbell curls is recommended over the more traditional two-handed EZ-curl bar. This helps isolate your biceps for better results. Place one arm on the preacher bench, holding the dumbbell palm up through the whole motion. Curl the dumbbell up until your forearm touches your biceps. Lower slowly back to the start position.

The preacher bench is designed to help take your shoulder out of the motion, but poor technique can still allow for compensation.

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Ë

Reverse-Grip Tricep Pushdowns

3 Sets ::: 10-12 Reps per Set Grab a straight bar or EZ-curl bar with an underhand grip (palms facing up). Stand with your chest up, abs tight and with your elbows tucked firmly at your sides. Pull down until your arms are fully extended, while being sure to keep your elbows tight to your side. Then slowly return to the starting position.

Ë

Skull-Crushers

3 Sets ::: 10-12 Reps per Set Lie down on a flat bench. Use an EZ-curl bar, holding it at the narrow grip position, and press the bar to arms length, directly above eye-level. Bending at the elbows, and being sure to keep them in, lower the bar slowly and with control to your forehead.

Then slowly extend your arms, pressing the bar back to the start position.

Ë

Overhead Rope Extensions

3 Sets ::: 10-15 Reps per Set Face away from the machine. Stand with your arms extended straight above your head. Keep your head up, chest out, back straight and abs tight. Be sure to hold your elbows in. Bend slowly at the elbows until your forearms touch your biceps and your hands are at the back of your neck. Still keeping your elbows tucked in, extend your arms and press back up to the start position.

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MIND GAMES ���

FAMOUS MOVIE QUOTES

FINISH QUOTE

the

Fight Club © 2000 Columbia Pictures Industries, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

This one should be easy enough for you. Read the famous lines from these various guy-flicks and fill in the missing words.

ACROSS 5 “Charlie don’t ____!”

Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore / Apocalypse Now 9 “I forgive you. I only hope my ___________ will feel the same.” Chip Douglas / The Cable Guy 10 “A flute, without holes, is not a flute. A donut, without a hole, is a ______.” Ty Webb / Caddyshack 12 “Where did you hide the alcohol _____ _____, up your butt?” Fogell / Superbad 13 “I’m cool with, you know, females working on my ______.

I prefer it, actually.” Sam Witwicky / Transformers 15 “Oh, well, now your back’s gonna hurt, ‘cause you just pulled ___________ duty.” Hal / Happy Gilmore 16 “If my answers frighten you then you should _____ asking scary questions.” Jules Winnfield / Pulp Fiction

Harry Lockhart / Kiss Kiss ... Bang Bang 29 “You should never underestimate the predictability of _________.” Bullet Tooth Tony / Snatch 30 “_____ is something you have when you have a choice.”

Slevin Kelevra / Lucky Number Slevin

6 “Brothers ... what we do in life ... ______ in eternity.”

Maximus / Gladiator 7 “I’m sorry that ____-_______ people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.”

Derek Zoolander / Zoolander

31 “Guys, if I don’t bleed to death pretty soon, I’m gonna die of _______.” Charlie Barret / Suicide Kings

8 “Well, he should have armed himself if he’s going to ________ his saloon with my friend.”

William Munny / Unforgiven

32 “We all know most _________ depend on a firm grasp of football trivia.” Modell / Diner

11 “I’m gonna find me two __________ here and I’m gonna pull me a Fredo.” Trent Walker / Swingers

33 “I kill a _________ for fun, but for a green card, I gonna carve him up real nice.” Tony Montana / Scarface

14 “Now back up, put the gun down, and get me a pack of ________ Fruit Bubblicious.” Mike Lowrey / Bad Boys

34 “I’m the Anti-Christ. You got me in a ________ kind of mood.” Vincenzo Coccotti / True Romance

18 “Does he know where ___ _____ is? That would be a huge promotion for me.” Ronald Fleury / The Kingdom

35 “Sticking ________ up your butt does not make you a chicken.” Tyler Durden / Fight Club

20 “We’ve got __________ in our trousers. It’s really quite frightening.” Nigel Tufnel / This Is Spinal Tap 21 “Stop your grinnin’ and drop your _____!” Hudson / Aliens

17 “Whenever we needed money, we’d rob the _______. To us, it was better than Citibank.” Henry Hill / Goodfellas

DOWN

19 “Jackie’s teammates doing just an awful job of _________ __ his spine off the court.” Dick Pepperfield / Semi-Pro

1 “You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature ______, covered in hair.” Ron Burgundy / Anchorman

23 “In my country, a woman’s mastery of her ____________ releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!”

Taj Mahal Badalandabad / Van Wilder

2 “Stop tailgatin’ me, ya pasty ______! I’m goin’ potty.

Wanna hold my dick?” Kirk Lazarus / Tropic Thunder

24 “These __________, they’re really nice. Are they government-issued, or all you guys go to the same store to get them?” Jack Walsh / Midnight Run

3 “Right now I’d go down on a ______ for a gallon of gas.”

Mickey Knox / Natural Born Killers

25 “What is your ___________, you fat barrel of monkey spunk?” Cpt. Hadley / The Shawshank Redemption

4 “You’re all _________ and weak! Now drop and give me twenty!” Doug Neidermeyer / Animal House

28 “Now I know what a __ ______ feels like.”

John McClane / Die Hard

26 “I never seen so much ____. You could knit a sweater.”

Billy / Porky’s 27 “I was wetter than Drew Barrymore at a ______ club.”

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22 “One cannot be ________ if one has no people.”

Kobayashi / The Usual Suspects

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PARTING SHOT ���

Melony

MARQUEZ photographed by Trevor Howell / www.323PhotoGrafix.com

Born: Height: Body: Occupation:

January 3, 1981 5’ 0” 32C - 24 - 34 Administrative Assistant

“I like it when a guy takes me by the hand and maybe starts gently rubbing my back. When a guy just moves in for the big kiss right there on the spot ... that’s a no-no. I dated a male stripper once ... turns out he had a lot of problems.”

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