VEX Magazine (issue #26)

BABES ON BIKES! THE MOTORCYCLE MAYHEM ISSUE. PROUDLY CANADIAN

SINCE 2001

CALGARY PLUS 2009 BEER FEST & THE ULTIMATE CUSTOMIZED CORVETTE Z06

ALBERTA’S LEADING LIFESTYLE AND ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE FOR MEN 2009 ::: VOLUME 3 ::: ISSUE #26

CLINT MCBAIN

LOOKS TO TAKE THE CHECKERED FLAG

JAMIE KENNEDY HIS NEW MOVIE AND DOING STAND-UP FOR ALBERTA

THE BATTLE OF ALBERTA

HENRY BURRIS AIMS TO LEAVE THE ESKIMOS OUT IN THE COLD THIS SEASON PM 41481024

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$4.95

2 0 0 9 VEX Magazine’s

Charity

Golf Invitational

Join Us

Friday September 18, 2009

at

Plenty of ...

Fun Prizes Beer VEX Girls ... oh yeah, and

Golf!

Help us support the Calgary Women’s Breast Health Centre.

Our goal is to raise enough money to purchase a new Ultra-Sound machine for their facility.

There are a number of ways to help. You can join us for a day of golf, enter a team, choose to be one of our various corporate sponsors, sponsor a hole, or donate a silent auction item.

All inquiries can be made to Charlene Delisle of Delisle Marketing & Events Inc. If you would like details on how to purchase sponsorship, a team, or golfer registration, please contact us and we will be glad to forward you a registration letter.

Charlene Delisle

Delisle Marketing & Events Inc. Phone: 403-203-9243 Fax: 403-236-0524 Email: cdelisle@dmeinc.ca

Contents

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FRESH FACES

Lucy The sexy server at the Deerfoot Inn & Casino who is so hot, she’ll make you forget all about the fact you just lost your house at the tables.

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Racer Clint McBain

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44

One Pimped Ride

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The Battle of Alberta

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The sport of high-speed motorcycle racing is alive and well and roaring out of Alberta.

For anyone who thought you couldn’t possibly improve upon the Corvette ... think again!

Hockey season may be over, but this gridiron battle has just begun!

Local Business Profile

Our province is the undisputed hub for entrepreneurialism in Canada, and this guy is the life of the party.

Jamie Kennedy

Did you know this comic actor likes to put seafood seasoning on his popcorn? Go figure.

Hillbilly Deluxe

This issue’s Parting Shot seductress is the fetching Kristina Casanova.

Contents

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14

30

OUT & ABOUT: VM takes in the 2009 Beer Fest.

GUY-CODE INSIDER: Plan the perfect bachelor party.

LIFE BEHIND BARS: Just a regular Friday night.

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32 WE RATE IT: Choosing the right LCD home projector.

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VEX GIRLS: Meet the lovely ladies of our Motorcycle Mayhem Issue. There’s nothing better than babes on bikes!

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Publisher’s Note

18

VEXperts

58

Place Your Bets

10

Letters

22

Music

60

Fitness

16

Jokes

24

Movies

62

Mind Games

Some people just make you want to shake your head.

This is the latest collection of your assorted love letters & death threats.

Commit these rib-ticklers to memory and crack up your friends.

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To say that Cpt. Joseph Kittinger, Jr. was fearless would be a drastic understatement.

The real Slim Shady stands back up and some Canadian boys kick ass.

Pixar tries to tug at our heart strings while Star Wars comes back in focus.

If you’re going to sit down at the table with the big boys, you better know how to act like a ‘big boy’.

The sun is shining once again, so get your flabby fat ass outside!

Can you find all the ways we messed with the set of Star Trek?

Publisher / Editor-in-Chief

Mark G. Bilodeau

Vice President / Associate Editor

Jeremy Nielsen Artistic Director

David Aaronson Director of Design

Andrew DeVore Senior Designer

Damian Fehmel Production / Pre-Press Assistant

Bonny Leung

Chief Photographer

Trevor Howell | www.323PhotoGrafix.com Contributing Photographers

Mark G. Bilodeau, Mike Bradley, Ryan English, David Ford, Dale MacMillan, Jacquie Matechuk, Jeremy Nielsen, Cory Shannon Contributing Writers

J.D. Bermudez, Christopher Bloomfield, Scott Dumas, Christian P. Hannigan, Gerry Krochak, Seth Miller, Matthew O’Brien, Dale Pidluzny, Nic Russo, Jonathan Stoddart, Brian Wells Contributing Artist

Nate Schmold

Graphic & Web Design

Mathieu Prouse PrePress

Russell Greenlay Advertising Inquiries:

Calgary Sales Office Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 (403) 520-0116 info@vexmagazine.com Distributed by

Gallant Distribution Systems (Calgary) Clark Distributing (Edmonton) Canada Post VEX Magazine.com Ltd. VM is published six times per year by Š 2008 VEX Magazine.com Ltd. All Rights Reserved.

PM41481024 Return undeliverable items to: VEX Magazine.com Ltd. Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 info@vexmagazine.com www.vexmagazine.com GST# 86889 5715 RT0001

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Publisher’s Note

ome people just make you want to shake your head.

Earlier today, I swung into a grocery store gas station to fill up the tank. There was a man at the pump to my right. (For the ease of telling the rest of this story, we’ll call him Dick.) All of a sudden, Dick stormed in a huff towards the attendant’s kiosk.

While inside the kiosk, I noticed that Dick’s body language suggested he was rather agitated. The diminutive Indian man who was behind the counter (we’ll call him Mohinder) seemed a tad taken aback by Dick’s behavior.

I can only assume from the resulting activities that Mohinder simply explained to Dick that the pump he was currently parked at was temporarily out of service and he would therefore have to move to a different pump. This doesn’t strike me as being a particularly unreasonable request, however Dick came lumbering out of the kiosk, dropping a multitude of “F” bombs and marched curmudgeonly back to his car.

He jumped back in, turned over the ignition, threw it in reverse and backed up in that aggressive “I’ve been profoundly inconvenienced and I’m going to let the whole world know it” kind of way. Unfortunately, in his embittered state, he neglected to remove the nozzle of the temporarily out of order pump from his gas tank. And as he backed up, he ripped the entire hose from the pump and left the side of his car with a palpable scrape.

Dick now leaps out of his car with another flurry of “F” bombs. Mohinder, having witnessed the hose wrenched from the pump, comes flying out of the kiosk. The two men meet up in the middle of the station lot and the first thing I hear is Dick saying “OK ... now I’m going to sue you guys!”

Huh?!!! Wait a minute. You’re going to sue?

You’re going to sue??? What the hell for?

“Why do you break the pump?” Mohinder asks.

“Because you made me move to another pump!” Dick exclaims.

“But why you break the pump?” Mohinder asks again, knowing full well that Dick’s first response had nothing to do with the question at hand.

“Because it was still in my car!” says Dick.

“And now look at the damage you’ve done to my car. I’m going to sue you guys for all you’ve got!”

OK, so let me get this straight here. It’s Dick’s contention that because he was merely asked to move to a different pump ... even though he neglected to simply replace the nozzle before backing out ... it’s somehow the station’s fault for the damage done to both the pump and his car? And therefore, he’s entitled to some kind of monetary compensation?

Dude, it’s impossible that you’re this fucking stupid!

First of all ... why are you tearing poor little Mohinder a new asshole? I mean, this guy probably makes minimum wage and all he’s asked to do is make sure people pay for their gas. In other words, the man is a 57-year-old babysitter. He has no power in this company. It’s not his gas station. He’s just a basic employee trying to muddle through his day and earn his paycheque so he can pay his mortgage and feed his family. How in the hell is screaming at him going to accomplish anything for you?

And secondly ... Did you just hear yourself speak? You just indisputably confessed, in front of witnesses I might add, to leaving the nozzle in your car and backing out, thereby causing all of the damage. All Mohinder asked you to do was move to another pump. He

didn’t come out of his kiosk, steal your keys, hop into your car and then maliciously back out of there against your will. You did this on your own, jackhole! You were just too pissed off and distracted to remember you still had the hose jammed into your car.

Dick stood there ranting and raving the entire time it took for me to complete my transaction.

Mohinder stood there utterly bewildered at this lunatic’s tirade. I gave Mohinder my business card and told him to write down the license plate number on Dick’s car. I also offered my services as a witness to this butt-plug’s fulmination and told him his supervisor was welcome to give me a call if need be.

Part of me was thinking that I should have stuck around in case Dick’s diatribe turned violent. But there were several other witnesses around and I figured once Mohinder contacted his supervisor he’d be fine . So I snatched my receipt from the pump, climbed back into my car, made solid eye-contact with Dick and then drove off to continue my day.

You know, some people just make you want to shake your head. Good luck, Mohinder.

Enjoy the latest issue, everybody.

Cheers!

Mark G. Bilodeau

Publisher / Editor-in-Chief VEX Magazine mgbilodeau@vexmagazine.com

All Trademarks presented in this magazine are owned by the registered owner. All advertisements appearing in this magazine are the sole responsibility of the person, business or corporation advertising their product or service. For more information on VEX Magazine’s Privacy Policy and Intention of Use, please see our website at www.vexmagazine. com. All content, photographs and articles appearing in this magazine are represented by the contributor as original content and the contributor will hold VEX Magazine Ltd. harmless against any and all damages that may arise from their contribution. All public correspondence, which may include, but is not limited to letters, e-mail, images and contact information, received by VEX Magazine becomes the property of VEX Magazine.com Ltd. and is subject to publication. To have unsolicited manuscripts, photographs and other material returned, it must be accompanied by a self-addressed return envelope with postage pre-paid. VEX Magazine is not responsible for loss, damage, or any other injury to unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or material. Reproduction of this publication in whole or in part without written consent from the publisher is strictly prohibited.

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Letters

Letter Fly

They say the pen is mightier than the sword. We carved out all of our replies using a scimitar. Take that, bitches!

New Discoveries I just picked up a copy of your magazine for the first time. I found it at New Castle Pub. This thing is amazing! Hot women, jokes, cars ... it’s got it all. How long have you been putting this thing out? I’ve never seen it before and this is definitely something I’d watch for.

Jay Spencer Edmonton, AB

You’re a very astute individual, Jay. That was our first official issue to expand into Edmonton and take us Alberta-wide. We’re glad you like the format. It was a toss-up between this or doing home decorating techniques based on the 70’s hit TV series, Little House on the Prairie.

She’s Just Not That Into You I found the story you did on aphrodisiacs to be rather educational. My girlfriend has always relied on things like alcohol, oysters or chocolate to get in the mood.

But I guess that’s all in her head.

Scott Fannin Airdrie AB Rae of Sunshine After receiving my copy of your latest issue in the mail, I immediately fell in love with your covergirl, Candice Rae. I keep the issue in my desk at work and when my day starts to get too stressful, I just flip through Candice’s pictorial and let my problems disappear.

Tim Higgins Calgary, AB Happy to hear you enjoyed the issue, Tim. Candice does have a way of brightening one’s day. Just make sure you don’t get caught “relieving your stress” at work. They can fire you for that shit, you know.

Oil Country Knows Hockey These were the results of our online poll, asking who you thought was going to win the Stanley Cup. 10

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Redneck Rant Clearly, you guys don’t know the first thing about ATVs. First, you write up three Japo machines and only one domestic model. And then you pick a piece of shit Yamaha over a beefy ride like the Arctic Cat. Is this magazine funded in yen or something? You guys need to learn how to support the home team a little more.

Sam Stansbury Spruce Grove, AB

We’re glad we were able to shed a little light on the mystery of sexual arousal for you, Scott. But we’ve always found a greater level of success when there’s practically nothing in her head. Perhaps we should seek counselling?

We think it’s great that you have such a flagwaving sense of loyalty, Sam. It’ll probably bring you a great sense of comfort when you’re stuck in a backwoods mudhole up near Thunder Lake. We’ll be sure to swing by and throw you a salute while we drag your ass out with our Grizzly 700.

No Laughing Matter Who gives a shit about Yuk Yuk’s reopening? The comedy at all the clubs in town blows anyway.

Randy Weiske Edmonton, AB

Bar Stars The billiard golf game is a stroke of pure genius. My buddies and me are playing it all the time now. Thanks VM! Tom Behlmer Calgary, AB

And you sit there and wonder why you have no friends. Cheer up, Mr. Grumpypants!

41% 34% 17% 8% Various Other Teams :::::

...even Oil Country has a few delusional hockey idiots.

Always happy to help, you drunk degenerates!

Everyone who had their letter published in this issue has received a free VM t-shirt. If you’d like to have your letter printed in VM, write to us at info@vexmagazine.com and let us know what’s on your mind.

If we like it, you’re in. We’re going to take cheap shots at you when you can’t defend yourself, but you’ll get a prize.

Out & About

4th Annual

HENRY BURRIS

ALL-STAR WEEKEND in support of

Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Calgary and Area A great time was had by all this year. Where else other than in Alberta can you golf during a hail storm, share a hotdog with Damon Allen after the front nine, find yourself surrounded by hot cheerleaders and then sip champagne with the lovely Catriona Le May Doan? If this is how he spends his spare time, no wonder Hank’s always smiling.

PHOTOS BY MIKE BRADLEY

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Out & About

2009 BEER FEST Brew Masters Unite!

in support of

Autism Apergers Friendship Society

There’s just something really right about being able to gather with your friends in a venue where there are literally hundreds of different beers to drink, kick back in a LaZBoy lounger, watch a 50” flat screen and have your ass handed to you by two VEX Girls in foosball. And the best part ... it’s all for charity. Life is grand!

PHOTOS BY MIKE BRADLEY

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Jokes

Compensation Tool A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!”

So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Lost In Translation A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it ... stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. And that’s when I made my big mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ ... I don’t remember much after that!”

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Driven To Drink A guy walks into a bar and orders 13 margaritas.

The bartender abruptly replies, “Wow sir, that sure is a lot, what’s the occasion?”

The guy sits down on a stool, hangs his head and tells the curious bartender, “Well, tonight was my first blow job.”

The bartender smiles and replies, “Yeah, that’s a splendid occasion indeed. Let me get you one more drink, on the house!”

“Nah,” the guy replied. “If 13 doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”

Love Is Blind “Gary,” asked Phil thoughtfully one day, “what would you do if you caught your wife with another man?”

“Another man ... with my wife?” Gary thought this over for a moment. “Let’s see ... I’d break his cane, shoot his guide dog, and call a cab to take him back to the mental institution he clearly must have escaped from.”

A Good Cleansing After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window to let the man know he’s waiting to hear his confession, but there’s no reply. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit ... still nothing. The priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the drunk yells out, “Ain’t no use knocking ... there ain’t no paper over here either!”

VEXperts

Who was the craziest test pilot ever?

T

his is really a question of opinion, rather than fact. And arguments could be made for fellows like Neil Armstrong (first man to land on the moon) or Eric “Winkle” Brown (first landing on an aircraft carrier), but our blue ribbon prize has to go to a guy by the name of Capt.

Joseph Kittinger, Jr.

In 1959 and 1960, Kittinger was part of a program called Project Excelsior.

The purpose of this project was to find out whether or not a pilot would be able to survive a high-altitude bailout. His mission would have him make a series of three extreme altitude parachute jumps from an open gondola, held aloft by the enormous helium-filled Excelsior balloon.

During his first jump (Nov.16, 1959),

from an altitude of 76,400 feet, an equipment malfunction caused him to lose consciousness. An automatic parachute deployment system was the only reason his life was spared. Yet regardless of this near-death experience, Kittinger would make his second jump less than a month later (Dec.11, 1959) from an altitude of 74,700 feet. His final jump (Aug.16, 1960) was made from a mind-blowing height of 102,800 feet! (that’s nearly 20 miles up!) He made a freefall for four minutes and 36 seconds, reaching a maximum speed of 988 km/h (nearly the speed of sound), finally opening his parachute at 18,000 feet.

To this day, he still holds records for highest balloon ascent, longest freefall and fastest speed of an unassisted human being through the atmosphere. The man was a Viking!

Kittinger making his record-breaking skydive in 1960 from the Excelsior III balloon.

Photo courtesy of the U.S. Air Force

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Fresh Faces

Lucy

photographed by Mark G. Bilodeau

Look for this sultry beauty serving in the Party Pit every Friday and Saturday night at the Deerfoot Inn & Casino in Calgary.

“I don’t gamble on a regular basis, but can definately hold my own in Texas Hold’em. I just finished my Psychology degree, so that helps, plus a woman’s intuition helps me feel confident in reading most people and calling them on their bluffs.”

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Music

What’s New? We continue our mission of filling your iPod with only the best tunes out there.

Eminem

The Respectables: Sweet Mama

Relapse

This album kicks some serious ass on a number of different levels. Kinda like a musical ice-cream sundae. It’s a big scoop of honky tonk, drenched in rock ‘n roll hot fudge ... and thanks to the flavourful production of former Big Sugar frontman Gordie “Grady” Johnson, there’s even a healthy sprinkle of some toasted reggae nuts. Very tasty, indeed!

Was anyone else getting a little sick of Slim Shady’s self-serving lyrics, evangelizing about how tough his life has been and what a great dad he’s been despite all of those challenges ... blah blah blah. Yeah, the mad money probably helps though, huh Marshall?! Well, just as we’re about to write him off, he drops this collection of tracks that comes off as though he’s been reborn with a brand new sense of rebellion. Welcome back, Slim!

Yusuf: Roadsinger The artist formerly known as Cat Stevens (well, at least he didn’t just change his name to some stupid fucking symbol) releases his second album under his Islamic identity. As much as you have to respect the man for faithfully pursuing his religious beliefs, you have to respect him even more for writing the same high-quality music even after more than 40 years in the biz. Allãhu akbar!

CKY: Carver City Here’s a band of pure metal that shows absolutely no signs of rust. Although they’ve pretty much been on hiatus since Deron Miller’s onstage meltdown back in June 2006, they’ve personified the term comeback with an album that has all of the ear-bleeding crunch revered by long-term fans, and added a deeper range of melody that is sure to recruit an entire legion of new ones.

Who’s The Birthday Boy? The dad of one of these music icons once worked for the Office of Strategic Services (OSS).

Can you guess which one?

Michael Anthony June 20, 1954

Richie Sambora July 11, 1959

Stewart Copeland July 16, 1952

Yusuf Islam

(a.k.a. Cat Stevens)

July 21, 1948

Slash

(a.k.a. Saul Hudson)

July 23, 1965

Paul Anka July 30, 1941

ANSWER: Miles Copeland (the father of Stewart) reportedly worked for the OSS according to a CIA file released in 2008.

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Up! Director Pete Docter brings a grounded dose of real life into his latest far-fetched, yet fun-filled animated blockbuster.

W

e sort of knew we had a lot of comedy and action stuff coming up later,” Docter said in an interview with BullzEye.com, “but films that really stick with me are ones that have some sort of heart to them, and emotional basis.” This was in reference to what’s fast becoming notoriously known as the married life sequence at the beginning of the movie, where some very grounded issues such as financial hardship, infertility and the loss of a loved one are strongly portrayed. But this is hardly the first

Pixar film (or Disney for that matter) to touch on tragedy. Nemo lost his mom when she was eaten by a barracuda ... and Bambi’s mom took one right between the eyes back in 1942. And according to Docter, designing this film in what would be considered more as a real world setting (as opposed to the life of a bug or a fish or a toy) wasn’t a deliberate change from Pixar’s norm. Nor should it take away from the fantastical adventure the characters find themselves in. “It wasn’t so much a desire to move away from anything,” he says, “(but rather) move towards something different.”

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Nerd Knowledge We dug up a few trivial tidbits about everyone’s favourite sci-fi franchise.

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Episode I This is the only Star Wars film where no one loses an arm or a hand to a lightsaber. While dueling, Ewan McGregor (Obi-Wan Kenobi) kept making lightsaber sounds, which were later removed during post production.

Episode II Jar Jar Binks makes the motion that gives Palpatine supreme powers. This means that Jar Jar, the most hated character in Star Wars history, is indirectly responsible for the fall of the Old Republic and the nearannihilation of the Jedi order.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace / Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones / Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith / Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope / Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back / Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedit: © 2009 Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC. All Rights Reserved UP © 2009 Disney / Pixar. All Rights Reserved

Movies

Chris Griffin (as Luke Skywalker): So you got your reward and you’re just leaving then?

Peter Griffin (as Han Solo): Well you put it that way, I sound like a douche ... but yeah.

Outlander © 2008 Film & Entertainment VIP Medienfonds 4 GmbH & Co. KG. All Rights Reserved. Artwork © 2009 The Weinstein Company. All Rights Reserved. Distributed exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved.

He’s Just Not That into You © 2008 IFP Blackswan GmbH & Co. KG.TM New Line Productions, Inc. Package Design & Supplementary Material Compilation © 2009 New Line Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Distributed exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved.

Driven To Kill © 2009 Ruslan Productions Inc. All Rights Reserved. Distributed exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved.

Fanboys © 2008 The Weinstein Company, LLC. All Rights Reserved. Distributed exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved.

Outlander

He’s Just Not That Into You

Director: Howard McCain Starring: James Caviezel, John Hurt, Ron Perlman

“It became terrifying and an act of will just to get it done,” said director Howard McCain in an interview with the UK’s Guardian. “So, no, it wasn’t fun, to be honest.” He was referring to shooting the entire film in Newfoundland in the dead of winter where rain, snow and sub-freezing temperatures were constants.

Driven To Kill

Director: Jeff King Starring:

Director: Ken Kwapis Starring:

Steven Seagal

Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, Justin Long

Justin Long plays Alex, a bar manager who tries to help a desperate woman (Ginnifer Goodwin) by opening up the guy-code playbook. “Sometimes that wisdom is so much simpler than what the person’s actually looking for and how they’re looking for it,” he said in a CanMag.com interview.

When a former Russian mobster (Seagal) comes home to find his wife murdered and his daughter clinging to life by a thread, he becomes hellbent on revenge. Not all that unique as plots go, but if you can get past his constant slipping in and out of an atrocious Russian accent, it’s actually top-notch Seagal action.

Fanboys

Director: Kyle Newman Starring: Dan Fogler, Sam Huntington, Chris Marquette, Kristen Bell

Ping-pong master, Dan Fogler (Balls of Fury) steals the show in this film about a group of avid Star Wars fans who travel cross-country to break into Skywalker Ranch and steal a copy of the much anticipated Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace before one of their closest friends dies from cancer.

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Episode III Before filming began, Samuel L. Jackson (Mace Windu) said he knew that he must die in this film, so he told George Lucas he would only do the film if his character could go out in a blaze of glory and not “like some sucka.”

Episode IV Sir Alec Guinness (Obi-Wan Kenobi) always recalled the experience of making the movie as a bad one, and claimed that it was his idea to have his character killed in the first film, so he “wouldn’t have to carry on saying these rubbish lines.”

Episode V Having Han Solo frozen in carbonite was, in part, due to the fact that they were not sure whether or not Harrison Ford would return for a third film. Ford even requested that George Lucas kill off Solo altogether, but Lucas refused.

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Episode VI For security reasons, when the film was sent to the lab, it was sent under the bogus title Blue Harvest. This is where Family Guy creator, Seth MacFarlane, got the inspiration for the title of his Griffin-esque Star Wars spoof.

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We Rate It

OUR PICK

big screen boy toys

Ü

There was a time when home theatre projection systems were only reserved for highpaid sports figures, oil tycoons and guys who owned multiple car dealerships. But according to the home theatre and audio experts at General Audio in Calgary, the rise of the average Joe in the big-screen arena is at hand. Let the masses rejoice!

PLANAR PD8150 $8500

MITSUBISHI HC7000 $4700

DreamVision Dream Bee $8295

InFOCUS IN83 $6600

This projector kicks ass! With visual elegance, whisper quiet operation and military grade build quality, there is nothing in its class that will outperform it for colour accuracy, fast motion and black level performance.

Checking in with 1920x1080 resolution, 1000 lumens, a 15,000:1 contrast ratio and its Gennum GF9459 ten bit image processor, even non-HD material looks stunning.

Whether it’s for sports, movies or games, you cannot buy a better projector for under $40,000 ... period.

This projector uses a next generation inorganic D7-3 LCD chipset for excellent colour saturation and a Reon-VX HQV video processor for a very stable and detailed image.

Weighing in with 1920x1080 resolution, 1000 ANSI lumens and a whopping 72,000:1 contrast ratio, installing the HC7000 is a breeze and the fan is unusually quiet for an LCD projector in this price range.

This projector is ideal for the guy who wants to ease the burden on his wallet, but still look like a bigshot.

This 3-chip D-ILA projector offers 1920x1080 resolution, 1000 lumens and a 15,000:1 contrast ratio. It has three HD panels (one for each colour) to deliver vivid colours without any rainbow effect. The Dream Bee is exceptionally quiet and offers a stunning picture with maximum flexibility during installation.

Liquid Crystal on silicon resolves subtle image details and there’s no screen door effect, common in LCD projectors. If you’re using an HD source, this is a projector you’ll want.

This aggressively priced projector delivers near perfect colour. With a 4X colour wheel it’s less prone to rainbows. Having a very high light output, it requires a large fan but it’s still relatively quiet. It delivers 1920x1080 resolution, 1600 lumens and a 15,000:1 contrast ratio. This projector has very good fast motion and is an excellent choice for movies, games and just watching TV. As an all around performer without breaking the bank, the IN83 is an exceptional value.

Our recommendations for that full-on monster screen experience.

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Fight Club I am Jack’s big screen.

2009 CFL Grey Cup Just add chili and beer.

Halo Destroy the Covenant!

Your Favourite Porno Just pick one, dude!

Fight Club © 2009 Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC. All Rights Reserved Halo © Bungie Software / Microsoft. All Rights Reserved.

lcd projectors

Guy-Code Insider

Boys Night Out

With summer upon us, chances are one of your buddies has been snagged into tying the knot this year. Sure, you may not agree with his decision, but at least he’s provided you with an excuse for the ultimate night out. Let’s plan the quintessential bachelor party!

Step 1 The Guest List When trying to decide who to invite, go through the list with the groom-to-be. Aside from ensuring to involve his closest buddies and relatives, there will likely be a few obligatory names that he’ll have to include out of sheer politeness. Don’t go nuts on the numbers.

Keep it to a manageable group. It’s easier to keep everyone together and harder to lose someone as the night gets crazier. We recommend keeping the total number, including the man of the hour, to around 25.

Step 2 The Bankroll As you work your way through Steps 3 through 7, keep an ongoing tally of all potential costs involved (food, booze, entertainment, etc.)

Then take that cost and divide it by the total number of guests you’re inviting (not including the groom, of course). Then pad that number with an extra $20 per person for any incidental costs (tips, damages, etc.) This is what each guy needs to chip in for the night. And be sure to collect everyone’s cash in advance. Some stuff may require reservations and deposits.

Step 3 The Safe Activity

Step 5 Transportation

Understand this now ... there will be no designated drivers at this party! It’s a responsible and admirable thing to do, but tonight everybody’s getting wasted! Cabs are unreliable and a pain in the ass to get. Book yourself a party bus, or better yet, a nice luxury limo.

Blue Sky Limos (look to the right) has some amazing party limos that’ll hold everyone on the guest list, so you can all travel together the whole night. And because they’re a limo service, you can keep drinking as you travel.

Step 7 Food & Drinks

Chances are, those obligatory names from Step 1 will probably include both the groom’s father and soon-to-be father-in-law. So in order to make them feel involved and still keep your main man in their good graces, you need to plan a ritualistic male bonding activity.

Things like golf, paintball or the firing range all fall into that category. It’s still a fun thing to do with your buddies, but when it’s done, you can graciously bid farewell to the fun police and get on with the evening’s festivities.

Step 4 Destinations

Step 6 Entertainment

Step 8 Pace Yourself

This is your boy’s last official night of debauchery. Three things are crucial: booze, naked women and more booze! You’re going to become more rowdy as the night goes on, so plan your spots to accommodate for the constantly elevating mood. Don’t make a big pub-crawl out of it. Too much traveling will only tire people out and kill the fun. Start off at his favourite pub, move on to a good gentleman’s club and then end it off at a hotel room or a buddy’s house.

(Just make sure he’s cool with it.)

This is a key step in the overall success of the evening. Don’t just sit around while you’re at the pub. Do something. We recommend some billiard golf (see VM’s issue #25). And even though a strip club is on the agenda for the evening, don’t stop there. Book yourself a hostess for when you’re on the limo bus and schedule a dancer or two to perform at your final destination. The best place to do this is through Independent Artists (www.indart.ca).

Remember ... you get what you pay for!

There’s always one guy in the crowd who goes hard right out of the gate and becomes the butthead everybody else has to bail out of trouble for the rest of the evening. Don’t be that guy! Have a couple of drinks at the pub, another on the limo ride to the strip club, two more while you’re there and then maybe another while you’re riding to party central. Once you’re there, however, go nuts! Take comfort in knowing that even if you drink yourself right into the toilet bowl, you’re safe to crash ‘til morning.

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There should never be a time when people are unable to get a drink. True, the pub and the strip club are both licensed, but you have to plan for the limo to be fully stocked, as well as the hotel room or house that will serve as your final destination. Grab a platter of appies when you start off at the pub and make sure there are plenty of sandwiches or finger foods at the ultimate base camp. And don’t forget ice! There’s nothing worse than cracking a warm beer to go with some stale chips.

Life Behind Bars

Friday Night Fights story by Christian P. Hannigan photo by John Smith

P

icture this - a bustling Friday night at a popular downtown bar, a younger crowd of regular patrons, drinking, eating, laughing, flirting, emanating electricity, a night out. One of the bartenders, Jeff, is going through the motions of trying to keep up with the onslaught of chits filled with cocktail orders from the service well, as impatient waitresses pissed about bill times try to serve the patrons at the wood standing in crowds of people four-deep, hands raised with $20 dollar bills clenched in fists hoping for prompt service.

A regular Friday night is what Jeff is thinking when he notices this one guy in a group of about 10 regulars who seems to be fueled by a different fire. This guy’s a little louder, a little more boisterous, a little more obnoxious than the rest of the crowd but seemed to be keeping things relatively together. So Jeff gets his attention next time he saunters up to the wood to order another round of shots and tells him to tone it down just a little bit, to keep the peace, to keep up the good vibe in the room. Perhaps it would have been best to cut the guy off at this point, but in the spirit of a jovial Friday night and because the rest of his crew was well-behaved and spending money, Jeff lets the guy off with a warning.

However, misfortune has many faces and things escalate, turning from good to horribly wrong in a matter of seconds. This is human nature, the miraculously feeble bond

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between depravity and rectitude when alcohol is involved, and so after a couple of more stern warnings to no avail, Jeff steps from behind the wood with another bartender and a doorman to ask the man to please leave the premises. Clearly the guy didn’t want to leave the premises, and displayed his contempt at the request with a series of wildly thrown fists and elbows at everyone and everything within striking distance at which point the doorman tied him up in a makeshift full nelson and rushed him out the front door with the group of people who came with the guy causing the disturbance following closely behind. Jeff, the doorman and the other bartender are now standing outside surrounded by 10 guys and believe the altercation might now escalate into a brawl, but the truth of the matter was the guy was annoying his buddies just as much as he was annoying the other customers in the bar and they began trying to help Jeff and the doorman by trying to calm their friend down.

Jeff, caught up in the melee, found himself in the unfortunate position of being in between the disgruntled man, his friends and the bar employees when the man starts to swing wildly at Jeff, who is smaller and now scared, and so grabs onto the guy. His side of the crowd starts pushing and the bar employees start pushing and everyone is screaming and Jeff, in the confusion of the situation, pushes the guy up against what he believes is a wall, but in all reality is a glass window encasing the restaurant’s lounge, and with the momentum and force of all the people pushing around

him, Jeff and the guy he’s holding go crashing through the glass. Jeff looks down at the guy who is now lying on the floor, a piece of broken glass from the window caught his neck and blood is pumping from the wound like a crimson fountain.

Jeff is standing there in shock when the other bartender comes up to him and tells him to look at his leg, so Jeff looks down at his calf.

It looks like a piece of hamburger bitten by a shark. In addition, his white shirt and shorts are drenched in blood, his finger is sliced open, blood pumps out from a severed artery, and his wrists are cut up. The restaurant manager rushes over and applies pressure to the man’s severed neck. The EMS crews arrive and they work on the man with the cut neck then and there. No time for the hospital, Jeff is taken away by an ambulance. Six police officers are waiting for him in the emergency ward. They want to know what happened, because they had heard it was a stabbing, and they tell Jeff he’s going to be charged. The nurses stitch him up reluctantly as they all think he’s a criminal.

Jeff received 26 stitches all over his body.

The guy back at the bar survived, receiving 88 stitches to his neck. The company settles out of court and no charges were laid. It was just a regular Friday night really. But it changed two people’s lives forever.

VEX Girls

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photographed by Mark G. Bilodeau hair and makeup by Jackie Johnson / www.makeupbyjackie.com shot on location at Folk Automotive in Calgary, AB.

Lakelyn Wylie & Summer Coupal

Babes ‘n Bikes

Samantha

Nguyen “There are a few guys that own crotch rockets but they weigh like 300 pounds. Come on, buddy! But then you get the clean-cut boys on there and ooooh yeah! Hot, hot, hot!

Boys that own bikes are in a class of their own. Not just anyone can get on a bike and ride and look good doing it.”

Suzuki GSX-R600 Icon Helmet provided by Walt Healy Motorsports

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Summer

Coupal “Sport bikes are sleek and sexy and they can go fast ... creating an adrenaline rush.

On the other hand ... a guy willing to do dangerous stunts and get all roughed up on a dirt bike is so hot!”

Yamaha V-Star 950 provided by Walt Healy Motorsports

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Lakelyn

Wylie 36

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“If someone owns a chopper, they’re a true biker ... and it shows through the workmanship done on the bike. I think it’s the one bike that really embodies sex appeal.”

Suzuki Boulevard M109R Limited Edition provided by Walt Healy Motorsports

Rae

Giroux “The most exhilarating thing about a motorcycle is the fact that you can go anywhere and back for ten bucks. The biggest downside is bad drivers, a numb ass, and a short season.�

Yamaha YZF-R1 provided by Walt Healy Motorsports

Heather

Langil e The kind of motorcycles I find sexiest are crotchrockets.

They’re so streamlined and pristine! I like speed and getting that adrenaline pump.

Also, you get to hold on tight and press yourself against a sexy man on a bike!”

Yamaha YZF-R1 provided by Walt Healy Motorsports

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Interview

HELL on WHEELS 2 STORY BY J.D. BERMUDEZ

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JACQUIE MATECHUK

Imagine traveling at 190 mph on two tires, along a twisting two-mile track, racing against 33 other guys, with nothing between you and the pavement but a thin layer of leather and polymer armour. Now imagine getting paid for it.

W

hen Clint McBain, leader of Alberta’s Acceleration Racing (accelerationracing.com), lost his license for speeding, he had no idea that it was only the beginning of a successful career and a new life in the break-neck world of Superbike Racing.

Speaking to us from the site of the 2009 Parts Canada Superbike Championship season’s opening race, he laughs as he recalls the impulse that got him started. “I love speed, and I knew that I wasn’t going to stop, but I didn’t want to lose my license again, or keep getting tickets, so I figured racing was the only way to stay out of trouble and I started hitting the track in Calgary. I entered a couple of races as an independent, and it turned out I was pretty good.”

“Pretty good” is an understatement. Since that first race 11 years ago, it’s been a dizzying climb to the top of the Canadian racing circuit. He was first sponsored by Honda, and then he co-founded a successful team out of Calgary before finally creating and taking the helm of Acceleration Racing. Consistently ranking highest among the Suzuki riders in every circuit he races on, Clint has conquered the 600cc Sportbike engine class and then moved on to the Superbikes - 1000cc monster machines that put out 185 horsepower and reach speeds in excess of 300 km/h. He also happens to hold the current track record at Calgary’s Race City Motorsport Park.

“I had no idea that I could make a career out of it,” Clint says.

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Interview

No wonder he didn’t know. The sport is pretty low-key in Canada and the States, with nothing like the following it enjoys abroad. “The difference is unbelievable,” he says. “The Europeans are race-crazy. They’ll race anything; bikes, cars, motorized beer coolers if that’s what they want. Anything they can get an engine into! As long as it moves, they’ll race it.

Racing for them is like hockey is here, complete with angry, crazy parents. It’s almost as big as soccer. In Japan, even more so.” Clint blames a cultural conservatism in North American society for the lack of exposure here at home. “Our government, our culture wants to control you so much, wants to keep you from danger. It’s like living with your parents, in a way. When I first got started, things were a lot more informal, but now the insurance providers have really started to weigh in, changing the way it’s done...I really do think it limits the growth of the sport. In Europe, things are a lot less regulated; they really know how to just live out there.”

But for all of its lack of exposure, Superbike is one of the most accessible sports in motorcycle racing, using what are essentially stock bikes off the showroom floor. In fact, the Parts Canada regulations specify that the bikes must be street-legal, production four-stroke machines sold in Canada. “I’m on a Suzuki GSXR, with a 1000cc engine. You can buy one at the dealership. The motor’s modified, and the electronics, but it’s essentially the same bike.” After that, it’s a matter of guts and skill, two traits that Clint and his fellow competitors have in spades.

And it’s those traits that have taken Clint as high as a racer can climb in Canada, coming within a hair’s breadth of winning last year’s Parts Canada Championship, edged out by Ontario’s Jordan Szoke. “I hurt myself four days before the opening race last year, so I wasn’t in it. I won every other race, though, so I think my chances are pretty good this year.”

He’s not taking victory for granted, though.

Szoke is still a threat, and McBain refuses to count anyone out. “The other Suzuki team, the Yamaha teams, Buell - everyone’s a competitor,” he reminds us.

But even with so much at stake, the guys nonetheless find time for respect and even friendship with their rivals. “Jordan [Szoke] and I are really good friends. We train together, visit each other and even hang out on vacation. That said, on the track we’re racing and business is business. We get paid to win races.”

That love of racing and his dedication to victory has even cropped up in Clint’s personal life.

He met his fiancé, Jackie, on the track, and his stepson Cody is now a team member, racing the 600cc machine ever since his old man has

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I’ve fallen off my bike at 160 mph ... gotten up and walked away. stepped up to the bigger bikes. When he was asked when the wedding bells would sound, he chuckles, “We’ve been together for years, but I guess that we haven’t really stopped racing long enough to get it done, you know?”

Clint McBain stop racing? That proposition seems unlikely at best. Planning to win this year’s championship, Clint hopes that when the day comes that he’s forced out of competition by age or injury, he will continue to run his team and help guys like Cody go on to victories of their own. “[Cody] started racing at 15. He was on a bike at the age of three. If he works hard, he could make it to the World Championships. He’ll have to earn it, but it’s there. If I wanted to go for the World, I’d have to have started this years earlier, like he did.

But, I came late to the game, so I’m going to race in Canada for as long as I can and then concentrate on running my team.”

That team is at the heart of Clint’s success.

Formed after his previous team decided to go in another direction from where Clint wanted

to be, Acceleration Racing is poised to demolish the competition in this year’s season. “It’s been a little harder with the recession, you know, sponsorship money is the first thing to get cut for a lot of companies, so we’re working under-budget. But the strategy is sound: actually race in the first round, and then win the rest of the races like I did last year!”

He’ll be mindful of injuries, of course, though he’s not terribly concerned about them. “Most accidents happen coming off the starting grids, when everyone’s going slow. You might get a wobble or stall your engine, and then everyone can pile into you from behind, but they’re only going 50 or 60 mph. I’ve fallen off my bike at 160 mph and gotten up and walked away.” The progressive acceleration of the four-stroke Superbike engines helps, he admits. “In Grand Prix, or GP, races, you’re riding these super-tuned bikes that you and I could never afford, and the technology’s all pretty secretive and proprietary. These things are no where near street legal. Plus, they’re a two-stroke with no throttle, so the acceleration is essentially there at the flick of a switch and suddenly the power’s kicking in. Amazing machines, but you got some horrific crashes.

Even Grand Prix is moving away from those engines.”

Clint hopes that upcoming races in Calgary, including the Parts Canada Championship’s third round at Race City on June 25-28, will help to draw some attention to the sport and get more people interested.

And advice for wannabe Superbike racers?

“If you like taking $100 dollar bills and burning them with a lighter, then Superbike is for you, because that’s what it’s like starting out as an independent. Building a bike can cost upwards of $35,000 to $40,000. I had to do it, if I wanted to go fast and stay out of trouble, but it’s hard and expensive.”

Clint teaches racing at Race City in Calgary, and is currently vying for the nation’s top spot in the sport.

Behind The Wheel

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Improving Upon

Perfection 2008 Davenport Z06 Corvette driven and reviewed by Christopher Bloomfield

IN THE LAST ISSUE, we interviewed a cop about a book that he wrote. I wonder how many more cops read VM now as a result of that interview. I wonder this because the number of police who read VM should have a direct effect on how I write this article. If I was smart I would take into account the likelihood that popo readership is up and I could possibly be incriminating myself by discussing the events that transpired one sunny Saturday not too long ago.

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Behind The Wheel

we drove through an industrial area where there were numerous railroad crossings and crappy roads. To be completely honest, I only drove there in order to get back out onto some open road so don’t for a second think that I didn’t get to take this thing for a real drive. We found a bit of open real estate and I let this bitch breathe. It’s a different feeling when you are behind the wheel which is most likely because you have something to hang onto. With 796 hp at the rear wheels, this car is a certified monster. I’m all “What’s that? You got a pissy little bike? Bring it. Your Honda’s vtec is about to kick in, yo? Please, take your spoiler back to Canadian Tire and just go home, only big boys can play with this machine. You brought out your Ferrari? Ha ha, this will destroy it and I’ll give your arm candy a ride home after your ride breaks down to boot!”

L

et’s look at this realistically. Right off the bat you can obviously tell that I have nothing to worry about, I mean, it’s not like the car stands out at all. Honestly, who would notice a bright yellow Z06 Corvette? And especially one with over 900 horse power, not like you could hear that kind of power go by.

No one would remember seeing a car like that absolutely destroy a Triumph Daytona 955 on an undisclosed roadway or anything. But I digress; I’m not very smart so I’m not worried.

I pulled into the parking lot at Davenport Motorsports on a beautiful Saturday morning and backed into a stall because that’s what guys with custom rides do... they back into parking stalls. Brian, the Davenport tech, is already there and sipping Timmies. It’s 8 a.m. so I have nothing witty or insightful to say to Brian so I just say hello and stand there awkwardly. He’s a pretty cool cat so he gave me a tour of the facilities and talked a bit about what the ‘vette has in terms of customizing.

The engine is a Davenport custom built job with diamond-forged pistons and other internals to handle the ridiculous power that will be pulled from it. It’s been blueprinted and balanced as well. The oh-so-very-fun part of the build is the inclusion of an APS twin turbo kit that uses two Garrett GT35 series, ball bearing turbo’s with external TiAL wastegates and a full custom stainless steel exhaust system.

So...yeah, this shit be fast. Other additions include the hood and rear valence in carbon fiber, three piece HRE lightweight competition wheels with ultra sticky Michelin PS2 275 x 18’s on the front and 345 x 19’s on the rear. The interior gets custom embroidering and a sweet D-shaped steering wheel with, of course, matching stitching. Now that I’ve bored you with a bunch of crap that I’m sure you don’t care about, I’ll get into the drive.

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Brian hopped it into 1st as they were still fine-tuning a few things and he wanted to get a few minutes behind the wheel just to make sure everything was good. We buckled in and he hit the start button. The engine came alive with unexpected reserve – it didn’t sound like it had 950 hp under that bright yellow hood.

We headed out of the parking lot and into traffic. After a few minutes of driving we turned onto an undisclosed roadway and accelerated ... briskly to say the least. Whatever thoughts of reserve that I had were gone; they flew out the window as I was thrown back into the seat and held there for three full gear shift changes.

I have never been in a car that pulled that hard for that long. And it didn’t let up, we just ran out of road. After a little while of Brian driving, we pulled over for the customary changing of the guard to give me a crack behind the wheel and have some fun. Brian said, “Okay, this car has a twin disk heavy-duty clutch so you have to give it a little gas so you don’t stall.”

I hopped in and surprise, surprise I stalled it.

So I fired up the engine again and we were off.

If there was one thing that surprised me about this car, it is how composed it was in traffic. The guys at Davenport told me that they wanted to build a complete car, one that hauls crazy ass when pushed but still able to be driven easily in heavy rush hour traffic.

This car was a breeze to handle even when

At this point, I can tell that Brian is getting uncomfortable so I stop mumbling to myself and we continue. We headed down to meet the guys for the photo shoot. I find that you should accelerate while merging so you don’t impede the other drivers on the roadway so I floored it and hit a few gears. In about 4 seconds we were rocketing past 250 and still pulling like we were in 2nd gear. There is a reason why I go for the low and slow thing with my personal rides because if I had a car like this I would never be under the speed limit.

We slow back down as we caught up to traffic and I shifted into 6th. Cruising through traffic in 6th gear at idle while getting better gas mileage than my daily driver, we stopped at the red light. A couple in an old school Corvette convertible pulled up beside us and it became quite obvious how much these cars have changed over the years. The light turned green and we were off again. We met up with the photographer and his roadie for a few snaps and then headed back to Davenport after stopping for a bite on the way.

You really can’t go wrong with a late model Corvette. Drivability is great, gas mileage is surprisingly good, and they are a blast to throw into corners. Davenport Motorsports have taken an already incredible factory ride and improved upon it immensely. Usually in order to get anything in terms of custom work done to a car, you have to be prepared to give up a lot. For example, if you want this kind of power, usually you lose a lot of drivability characteristics. With this Davenport Corvette, you get the best of both worlds. You can pick this car up from Brian, Steve and the guys for $145K right now. Or you can get your current ride tweaked if you want, but this twin turbo ‘vette will knock you on your ass. Just think, for half the price of an Italian exotic, you get better performance, better dependability and you can spend more quality time with the Ferrari owner’s lady as you drive her home after buddy’s car breaks down again.

R A W RAGES ON! On The Cover

The

Whether you’re from Edmonton or Calgary, if you’re a football fan, you’re probably gearing up for another great season of CFL action. For quarterbacks Ricky Ray and Henry Burris, the Battle of Alberta is the ultimate test to see which team will be playing for the Grey Cup in the fall. story by scott dumas

H

ey Alberta, are you ready for some football? I hope so because the next two summers could potentially be the most exciting head-to-head action in this province’s illustrious CFL history. A few months ago, the Calgary Stampeders won their sixth Grey Cup with a stunning performance by MVP Henry Burris. The boys in green a mere 300 km north, led by a pivot, in the last game of 2008 surpassed not one, but two Warren Moon records. That would be Ricky Ray of the Edmonton Eskimos, who makes up the other half of two premier quarterbacks in the league that will be putting their heart, soul and pride on the line as they lead their respective teams to compete for Grey Cup bragging rights in this province. Calgary and Edmonton are hosting back-toback championships starting this year in a rivalry that even Ray and Burris agree is one of the greatest in football. After spending some time on the phone with both players, I gained a good sense and relevance of what it means to be part of the Battle of Alberta.

I am not originally from oil country. Though I moved to Calgary from the nation’s capital about 12 years ago, I am not a Stamps or Eskimos fan per se, just a huge sports fan. Good close games, great plays and memorable wars are more important to me than purchasing team jerseys with outdated player names, thunder sticks and foam helmets. During my tenure in Alberta, I have learned about uncondi-

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tional support for a team. The fans of the CFL, especially in Western Canada, show passion and loyalty that is unprecedented since the league’s inception in 1958.

As far as I was concerned, there was no football team to applaud in Ottawa. They might have had a storied past but the Rough Riders had a quasi-memorable campaign in 1981, the year I moved to town as a spry 13-year-old looking for something to cling too. Surprisingly, they made it to the Grey Cup with the worst record in CFL history at 5-11. After that, however, they literally fell apart. Over the next 15 years of trying to get on board to support the lowly Rough Riders, the best record they could come up with in the nine team league was two seasons of .500 ball. Paltry if you ask me. It was very hard to show support for a team that stunk that badly. You need to have a reason to be inspired in order to root for someone. Winning occasionally would have been fine. During that time period they had nine seasons with five or less wins and they missed the playoffs completely seven times.

That’s like a roulette table that hits black 763 times in a row. It just doesn’t seem possible. They had one playoff game at home in that time frame, and lost. They were the joke of the league. Every year the attendance went down, ownership was a farce and they consistently made bad decisions. I remember year after year they would hold rallies to encourage people to buy season tickets. All the new players

On The Cover Joffrey Reynolds (left) leaps over the line to gain the first down. Photographed by Cory Shannon.

Dario Romero (below centre) breaks through the line to put pressure on Burris.

Photographed by Dale MacMillan.

from the States would come up and “rah rah” the city into a frenzy and make promises of “this is the year!” or sign Dexter Manley, a notorious cokehead, who was banned from the NFL for failing four drug tests. Perhaps they were trying to sell a circus and not a football team. I was young at the time but knew even then that there was no support. You could tell at many games, especially when Saskatchewan was in town, that Rider Pride did not include Ottawa. There was more green in Ottawa than ganja at a Tom Petty concert.

It was so bad that they looked for help down south by luring in American businessman Bernie Glieberman and his goofball son, Lonie. They represented the new ownership, which turned out to be the proverbial last nail in the coffin. Their involvement led to the demise of the team and the loss of the use of the Rough Riders name forever. It got so terribly dreadful that in 1995, team management drafted Derrell Robertson, who had died the previous December.

Since arriving in Alberta, I have experienced great local sports, including the Flames and the Oilers. I have a new appreciation for what it’s like to get behind a team and support it 110%. Calgary and Edmonton have lots of pride in their sports franchises. They take winning and success very seriously. In the dozen years I have been here, Calgary has won the Grey Cup three times and the Eskimos, twice. In hockey, the Flames and Oilers are considered contenders year in and year out.

Both teams have had their level of success including numerous playoff appearances. Both squads have brought home the Cup, and in Edmonton’s case, they’ve done it five times.

In order to put into perspective the magnitude of the intense rivalry between Alberta’s big two, I asked the Esk’s and Stamp’s “Big Two” about their own experiences with their respective teams. When it comes to great rivalries in sport, the fierce competition in this

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province is second to none. According to Ray and Burris, who come from the football crazy states of California and Oklahoma, playing for either group, and representing them well, is extremely important.

For Ray, he says “Albertans are going to be spoiled these next two years with the Grey Cup being in Calgary this year and Edmonton next year. The Western division is tough. We are all going to be trying to be in those games.

Calgary is the defending champ so you got to knock them off their spot.” Of his team Ray says, “The history, the tradition, the great players, the organization, and the winning atmosphere they have here makes Edmonton a great place to play because the expectations are always there. The fans and the city expect you to win. It’s better to have that than to be in a place that doesn’t care. I’d rather have those expectations.”

Burris believes that the Battle of Alberta “is probably one of the most ferocious battles (he has) ever been a part of. It’s comparable,” he says, “to the Florida vs. Florida State, Oklahoma U vs. Texas, or the Dallas Cowboys vs.

Washington Redskins.” Anybody who knows anything about football can well appreciate the importance of this contention.

The CFL, to some, is the understudy of the NFL and because of that narrow-minded mentality many think that inferior players from the States come up to play with our small Canadian contingent to screw around in a fun league. That couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Some of the greatest players in the history of football have played in the CFL. Ricky Ray is aware of that. “I knew of Warren Moon, Doug Flutie, and Jeff Garcia and some of the guys that played in the CFL and had good careers in the NFL too. Coming up here was a new experience. I didn’t really

know what to expect.”

Burris says, “In Oklahoma, we are just football fans. I watched so much football growing up and the CFL was a great game to watch.” And then to my surprise, he listed some examples of teams and names that caught me off guard. “I remember,” he says without missing a beat, “watching Damon Allen of the Memphis Mad Dogs, Danny Barrett of Calgary, Billy Joe Tolliver of the Shreveport Pirates, and JC Watts of the Ottawa Rough Riders and Toronto Argonauts.”

By the way, JC Watts was the quarterback of the lowly 5-11, 1981 Grey Cup team. They beat a terrible 3-13 Montreal squad to meet the very strong 11-4-1 Hamilton Tiger Cats in the Eastern final. In one of the most bizarre endings in CFL playoff history, JC was off to the final. With time running out and JC deep in his end zone, he scrambled around and found the ridiculously slow Pat Stoqua who ran 108 yards to upset the Cats 17-13. They were off to play the team who some believe to be the greatest team in CFL history; the three-time defending champions (which ended up being 5-time) Edmonton Eskimos. The Rough Riders had a commanding 20-1 lead at half-time but fell apart and lost to Warren Moon and his powerhouse team, who had a 14-1-1 record and set a record of 576 points during the year.

Ironically, this could have been the beginning of the end of the Ottawa Rough Riders.

The Battle of Alberta goes beyond sports as its history goes back to the 1880’s when the CP Railroad changed its intended route and decided to go south through Calgary and not north through Edmonton. The next major battle was in 1905, when Edmonton was chosen as the capital city of the newly formed province.

The most recent battle had to do with economic leadership, especially in the oil patch. Calgary ended up being the host of many corporate headquarters while Edmonton, because of government and university influence, is

On The Cover

arguably the hub of art and culture in Alberta.

Edmonton also has become the research and manufacturing center of Canadian petroleum.

80% of oil refinery is done there.

Hockey, football and lacrosse are the forums that entertain the masses but there is no bigger stage that epitomizes the Battle of Alberta more than the annual Labour Day Classic. Every year hoards of fans flock to McMahon Stadium to witness the most intense game of the season. “Last year they embarrassed us in our own parking lot,” says Burris.

“They really took it to us. Thankfully, we were able to go up there a week later during the rematch and win one on their turf.” Ray also realizes the importance of the game as well. “It’s the closest thing you will get to playoff games during the regular season. The intensity is picked up and they are very physical games.

Not only do we play one of them we play two back-to-back in a short period of time. That’s right when the season is getting going. It kicks off your team’s run into the playoffs.”

Calgary won the Cup last year but the 37-16 drubbing they took on Labour Day still stings. “The game here in Calgary is huge,” says Burris. “You can smell the barbecue and the charcoal and the grilling in the parking lot.

There is a lot of green in the stands as well as a lot of red and white. We tried to go out there and give our fans a show and unfortunately we didn’t do it last year so hopefully we can come back and make amends for that this year.”

Calgary answered with a win in a rematch four days later at a packed Commonwealth Stadium with a close 38-33 affair. It almost doesn’t matter that Calgary won the Cup when it comes to this particular two-game stint.

And now that the defending champs are hosting the big party this year, there is even more at stake. To be in the Grey Cup in Calgary would be “pretty awesome”, says Ray. He continues, “Calgary has their sights on having the Grey Cup in their backyard. For us, it’s no different. To be able to play for the Cup in Alberta and have your fans so close is definitely something we are shooting for too.” If there is a team and a quarterback that has the ability and the talent to do it, it is the Edmonton Eskimos. They are coming off a great year with a 10-8 record. They lost in a rare crossover game against Montreal during last season’s Eastern final, which would have set them up to play Calgary for a rare all-Alberta final.

Edmonton may have a great chance at winning the Grey Cup this year but the Vegas mavens have Calgary at 2.5 to 1 odds to win the whole thing again. The Eskimos sit at 7 to 1. According to Burris, the Stampeders are going with the analogy ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’. “We have the same coach and the same

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Ricky Ray (above) looks downfield for his target. Photographed by Dale MacMillan.

Henry Burris (right) scrambles to avoid a tackle from the now retired A.J. Gass.

Photographed by Cory Shannon.

players,” explains Burris, “so the chemistry will be there. Training camp will allow us to grow as a team and learn as a team. Even during the Grey Cup last year we were still trying to play better. We never reached our peak and that bodes well for us this year.” Burris has tremendous confidence in his team and explains that consistency brings consistent play on the field. The experience taken from last year is going to go a long way this year. “Whenever you bring a lot of great players together they are still just great players. You have to build a great team,” Burris elucidates. “We became a team already and we know what it takes to win the big game. And now for us we have a chance to grow together and play in those big games.”

In the Edmonton camp there have been some major changes but Ray is confident that they will lead to better results. They have a new coach in Richie Hall, who came over from Saskatchewan, where he was the defensive coordinator. Hall convinced Maurice Lloyd and Kitwana Jones, two integral players from his defensive squad, to come over as well. They lost Jason Tucker due to a career ending neck injury but he is back as a receiver coach and that should pay off with huge dividends. They also picked up Canadian running back sensation, Jesse Lumsden, from the Hamilton Tiger Cats. All of these acquisitions could be key ingredients to the success of the team.

Ray and Burris have tremendous respect for each other. Ray says of Burris, “Playing a guy like Henry, you know that he is capable of putting up big numbers and putting a lot of points on the board. You have to realize going in to some of these games you are going

to have to score some points to keep up with him. He is one of the most talented quarterbacks in the CFL. Some of the things he can do just amazes you when you watch him on film. His arm strength, his mobility, he’s got the complete package.” Not bad accolades from a guy who has won the Grey Cup twice and, like Burris, was honoured with the MVP award for his performance in the ’05 campaign.

If there is a guy who can put up big numbers, it’s Ricky Ray, and Burris is well aware of that fact. He says, “If Ricky Ray is pulling the trigger the Edmonton Eskimos are a threat to make it to the Grey Cup.” Ray now holds the all-time Eskimo’s record for career pass completions, passing yards, touchdown passes, and yards passing in a season. He also holds the CFL record for a single-game completion rate of 92% on October 31 of last year, and the CFL record for most completions in a season at 479 set in 2005, surpassing Doug Flutie.

Whatever happens in the CFL in the next two seasons is anybody’s guess. Crazy things occur in this league all the time such as crossover games, mismatched finals and historical endings. With two great clubs in Alberta led by two stellar quarterbacks, the stage is set for some incredible football. The battle is heating up and could be more intense than at any other time in the history of either franchise. Burris and Ray are fired up and know what it takes to win. Their teams have both tasted victory but have also licked wounds after heart-breaking defeat. Whether it is pre-season, Labour Day, or the playoffs, expect great things for the next two summers as both teams want to be playing, not just hosting the biggest game in Canadian football.

Local Spotlight

Mastering the Art of

SOUND L

story by jonathan stoddart

ife can be busy when you are a working DJ; late nights, taking constant phone calls and having to stay on top of promotions. In addition to selecting the sounds that the crowd wants to hear, there is the neverending job of dealing with sound equipment, which is why Calgary’s Randeep Sarpal decided to open House of Bounce, an audio/ video equipment rental house specializing in, but not limited to, DJ equipment. Nowadays, Sarpal is wearing both hats, and finds himself pulling long hours, neck-deep in the entertainment business. “I run the store the whole day,” he explains, “and right away after closing the store, I come home and change and do the DJ gigs.” Further complicating his life is the fact that he must remain on call, occasionally being summoned to night clubs at late hours, should any issues arise. One might expect him to need a phone booth, à la Clark Kent, but as any small business owner will tell you, a hectic lifestyle comes with the territory.

As Sarpal explains, the idea to start the business came about as the result of a misun-

photography by studio azad derstanding with another rental outlet.

“I used to rent equipment from a couple of places in the south,” he recalls. “I got into an argument with one of my competitors.

They accused me of doing something I didn’t do. They basically kicked me out of the store.”

Bad move on their part: as a result of the dispute, Sarpal decided to start his own rental business. Today, House of Bounce is alive and well, while the company he formerly patronized has gone out of business.

In addition to DJ gear, House of Bounce also supplies lighting, video projection, and a host of other equipment. Delivery, set-up and tech support are also offered, and the company services everything from corporate-scale events to house parties.

Sarpal believes that his 11 years of experience as a mobile DJ provided him with a valuable tool. “I’ll know exactly how many extension cords to give ... Being a mobile DJ I know this hall, the outlets are this far, this is what you need.”

With all of this going on, Sarpal can often be found at a hot spot near you. House of Bounce provided the sound for last year’s Juno after-party at the Chicago Chophouse, and has serviced countless high profile club events. “I get to see a lot of parties that I never used to get into,” he admits, adding “Celebrity wise, I’ve met so many it doesn’t really wow me anymore.”

One opportunity that did wow him was the opportunity to work with influential Bhangra producer/remixer/DJ Bally Sagoo. Known for his pioneering work with Punjabi remixes, Sagoo flew in from his native UK to work a wedding party in Calgary. In addition to providing equipment through House of Bounce, Sarpal was slated to spin an opening set that evening, but alas, it was not to be. “I took him out for lunch,” recalls Sarpal, “and I broke my foot at lunchtime. I rolled it outside on some uneven pavement.” Sarpal had intended on pulling double duty that evening, opening for Sagoo, before running off to DJ at a previously booked party. With one broken foot, however, Sarpal’s mobility was seriously compromised, and he was forced to honor his previous commitment, DJ’ing a party, while presumably in some pain.

Despite the recession, Sarpal believes that the party must go on. He noticed a slight downturn last winter, but with spring in the air, things have bounced back. In fact, he credits the blip with helping him diversify, “It pushed me into the corporate crowd. The recession almost helped me out, before I didn’t have to look for more business.”

These days, after his recent marriage, Sarpal is doing fewer DJ gigs, and focusing more on the House of Bounce, but that doesn’t mean that he has completely eliminated the wheels of steel from his repertoire, as his love for the position motivates him to spin parties on a part-time basis. In addition, he is quick to display House of Bounce’s masterpiece: a 6 foot long stainless steel DJ booth, with a 42 inch TV. Not surprisingly, he says that “DJ’s love it!”

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Candid Q&A

JAMIE KENNEDY

Taking time away from Ghost Whisperer to do a little stand-up comedy tour of Alberta, we caught up with the iconic funnyman to talk about his latest film project and what he’s got coming up on the horizon.

INTERVIEW BY MARK G. BILODEAU

What projects are you currently working on?

I just finished shooting a movie with my girlfriend called Cafe. We shot in Philadelphia. And hopefully we’re looking to go to Sundance with it next year.

Can you give us any spoilers as to what it’s about?

get that itch. But if it’s a hard part and things are really intense and require a lot of work, then no ... I won’t think about doing any stand-up.

Of all the characters you’ve created and portrayed, which one do you think is the closest to your own personality?

The only way I could describe this movie is that it’s like The Matrix without the action.

I’d probably have to say Virginia Hamm, the black talkshow host. A glimpse of life from inside of a big black woman.

So it’s basically just lumpy porridge and bad clothing?

And what’s so similar there?

Possibly (laughs) ... but I really don’t know how else to describe it. It’s a really cool concept.

Is L.A. actually a nice place to live or do you just base yourself there because that’s where the work is?

Oh, I definitely think it’s a great city to live in. I love it. I mean, it is conducive to the work, but I love it. Everything I have and anything I could ever want is there, you know?

When you decide to do some stand-up, do you book a full tour or do you prefer to just do one-nighters here and there?

I like to mix it up. I’m on hiatus right now.

We just finished the movie, so me and Love have just been traveling and doing stand-up. Right now I’m doing a little bit of a tour, but sometimes I’ll just do onenighters ... and other times I’ll just take off for a little while.

Do you ever get the comedy itch when you’re in the middle of a film project and just want to break out and do a one-nighter somewhere?

If it’s an easy part and there’s really not that much going on, then yeah ... I will

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We both enjoy dancing and singing.

Will we ever see the return of B-Rad?

(laughs) I don’t know. I mean, I think people are starting to call it a bit of a cult classic after six years. People have asked me that a lot. If there’s a demand for it, we should make it. But Warner Brothers, unfortunately, owns the rights and they’ve locked it up. But they definitely should make a Malibu’s Most Wanted 2.

“I’d like to try doing something really dramatic, where I don’t have to be funny at all.”

Do you ever get tired of having to be the funny man all the time?

Yes. I’m gonna do a special that’s coming up, but after that I’m going to probably want to take a little break. Or maybe try doing something really dramatic, where I don’t have to be funny at all.

Can doing a stand-up tour sometimes get a little monotonous and boring after a while?

Well ... I mean, if the crowds are great, then no ... but it depends, you know? We actually went to Jersey Boys last night in Vegas and I thought those guys were amazing. A lot of the crowd, the average age was 95, and I’m like ... how do these guys do it, you know? They do the entire show ... they’re singing, they’re dancing, and we’re just sitting there joking about it, going “Yeah, there’s only like thirteen wheelchairs here right now, man.” And I just thought, geez, these guys are amazing! I learned something from them. The show always goes on ... whether it’s for two or two thousand.

Any plans to bring back The Jamie Kennedy Experiment or something similar?

I would love it. I have one more year on the Ghost Whisperer and then we’ll just have to figure it out. I’d love to do something funny like that. It would be a lot of fun.

What’s your favourite popcorn seasoning flavour?

I’d probably have to say Old Bay.

I’m sorry ... Old what?

Old Bay? It’s called Old Bay. It’s actually for seafood, but it’s really good.

Place Your Bets

TABLE MANNERS

Dealers see poker-playing try-hards make major gaffes at the table all the time. Take note and make sure you’re not one of the guys making these bonehead plays.

Splashing The Pot

Ding-a-ling

Grabby Joe

Everybody is prepared to accept that this might happen by accident from timeto-time, but don’t be that guy who poses like a high-roller but acts like a trailer punk. Show some respect to the game and your opponents.

Many casinos won’t even allow you to take your cell phone out at a table. It could technically be used to a player’s advantage by texting with other players.

Regardless, if you think your call is more important than the game at hand, then it’s time for you to cash out.

More often than not, this is done by someone who doesn’t have a lot of experience at the table. But every once in a while, even the seasoned player will get a little swept up in winning the hand and make for the grab. Let the dealer push the pot towards you.

Leisure Suit Larry

Table Grazing

String Betting

Why would you toss your hand when you could just as easily check and maybe see some free cards? It’s poor strategy and it’s a negative effect on the rest of the play at the table. If you haven’t got the sack to play the game, then it’s time for you to get out.

A good poker game can sometimes go on for hours at a time. Of course you’re going to start to eventually get hungry.

But if that’s the case, take out a marker and excuse yourself to go grab a bite.

Don’t bring your fries and gravy to the table and slop up the cards.

When placing your bet, push your chip stack(s) into the middle of the table all at once. String betting is considered to be a strictly amateur play. It’s not only unethical, but also illegal in most casinos and can cost you if the dealer chooses to call you on it.

DEFINITION: Tossing your chips into the pot in a haphazard manner instead of placing them in clean neat stacks.

DEFINITION: Someone who continuously folds their hand instead of checking.

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DEFINITION: A player who takes or places a cell phone call while at the table.

DEFINITION: Someone who brings food to the table and eats while the game is going on.

DEFINITION: Reaching across the table and grabbing the pot after winning a hand.

DEFINITION: Going back and forth from your chip pile and placing a single bet in more than one motion.

Fitness

Match Fit

Try this cardio workout three times per week and you’ll be ready to go the full 90 minutes in no time!

Begin by laying out three rows of four cones each, all an equidistant 15 paces apart. Start at your immediate left corner and run at a healthy pace to the next cone up. Then shufflestep to the right until you’ve reached the adjacent cone.

Continue your run up to the cone in front of you and, once again, shuffle-step. This time to the left. Maintain your run up to the final cone in the first

Push-Ups

row, turn right and run to the opposite corner. As soon as you reach it, cut hard to the right and sprint the full distance of the row. Once you’ve completed this running circuit, do 20 push-ups, 20 sit-ups and 20 burpies. Give yourself a one-minute rest to grab a drink of water and then do it all over again for three full cycles, resting for one minute between each one.

You can always just do a standard pushup, but we like to make it a little tougher by raising one leg. This helps work your core by forcing you to keep your balance. Do 10 with the right leg raised and then switch it up for the other 10.

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Sit-Ups

People have various styles of sit-ups they like to do, but we’ll only have you stick to the basics. On your back, knees raised, feet flat on the ground and you hands up by your ears. Sit straight up, keeping your feet on the ground, and then lay back down slowly.

Burpies

These suck, but they’re great for getting you in shape. Start in a leapfrog position and jump straight up as high as you can. Land back in the leapfrog position and then extend out into the start position of a push-up. Finally bring yourself back to the leapfrog. That’s one!

Mind Games

DOUBLE TAKE

Director, J.J. Abrams, lays out some heavy instruction to the crew à la 90210 of the new Star Trek film. You’ve got to hand it to Abrams for being able to update the look and special effects of the movie and bring it into modern-day movie standards, yet still maintaining that 60s camp which made the original series such a cult classic. Let’s go where no man ... or in this case, pimply-faced teenager has gone before!

10 DIFFERENCES KEEP TRACK

ANSWERS: 1) J.J. Abrams’ cap is backwards. 2) Extra cushion on the Captain’s chair. 3) Crew member in the back has a red shirt instead of blue. 4) No Starfleet emblem on Chekov’s shirt. 5) 2 lights missing on the wall behind Ohura, Spock and Kirk. 6) Crew member behind Chekov is missing. 7) The base of Sulu’s chair is different. 8) More pages in the binder in frame-right. 9) Spock’s ear is “human”-shaped. 10) There is a Starfleet emblem on the floor.

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Photo credit: Zade Rosenthal / Copyright © 2009 by PARAMOUNT PICTURES CORPORATION. STAR TREK and related marks and logos are trademarks of CBS Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Can you find the things we’ve changed in these two pictures?

Parting Shot

Kristina

CASANOVA photographed by 323PhotoGrafix.com

Born: September 3, 1988 Height: 5’ 4” Body: 36 - 27 - 36

Which would you rather ... sex or chocolate?

Well, that depends.

Is the sex good? Is the chocolate Belgian?

What advice would you give to guys?

Treat your woman like gold. Remember, if you don’t, there are so many other guys out there that would take the opportunity in a heartbeat.

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