VEX Magazine (issue #27) by VEX Magazine

||||| SUMMER ON THE WATER IN ALBERTA ||||| PROUDLY CANADIAN

SINCE 2001

ALBERTA 2009 ::: VOLUME 4 ::: ISSUE #27

PLUS: Photo Coverage of the

2009 EDMONTON INDY

ALBERTA’S LEADING LIFESTYLE AND ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE FOR MEN

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$4.95

STREET SWEEPER SOCIAL CLUB’s TOM MORELLO TALKS TO VM vexmagazine.com

Contents

Lauren Kesler

Prepare yourselves, guys. This sexy brunette is about to become the object of all your desires. (Well, for the next couple of months anyway.)

40 Comic Stripped

Comedian, Joe Vespaziani, shares a tale of road woe as a stand-up funnyman doing the Alberta circuit.

46 Guitar Hero

The axe master who brought you those notorious licks from Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave takes some time to discuss his newest project.

50 Waterlogged

The world is coming to Alberta for a major sporting event that doesn’t involve anything to do with rodeo. No, seriously. We’re the proud hosts of the 2009 Waterski World Championships.

54 An All-Star Cast

As long as a river runs through it, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to enjoy some quality ﬂy ﬁshing. Alberta is practically the North American mecca for the sport.

On the Cover

Photograph by Romy Suskin

This Page

Photograph by 323PhotoGrafix.com

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Contents 26 32

20 60

62 8 Publisher’s Note

Finally getting some overdue downtime.

10 Letters

So, what are we doing wrong now?

12 Out & About

The 2009 Edmonton Indy

14 Jokes

Have a laugh. It’s free ... along with the mag.

16 Fresh Faces: Niki Middleton

Check out this Stampede Casino Showgirl.

18 Movies 18 14

Waiting on those Inglourious Basterds.

20 Music

Here’s the latest for your aural pleasure.

22 We Rate It

Shaving a few strokes off your game.

24 Toys

The latest adrenaline-pumping machine.

12 16

26 Behind the Wheel

Getting off the road and onto the water.

30 Sex

Comparing the nice guys to the bad boys.

32 VEX Girl: Shawna Philip

Yeah ... God was just showing off here!

44 Interview: Killswitch Engage Furious music from a meek source.

58 Place Your Bets

So strip poker is perfectly natural? Awesome!

60 Fitness

Building up for the basketball court.

vs.

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62 Mind Games

We messed with the Trailer Park Boys.

VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.VE XMAGAZ INE.COM AND ENTER YOUR NAME FOR A CHANCE TO WIN A CD COPY OF

Publisher / Editor-in-Chief

Mark G. Bilodeau

Vice President / Associate Editor

Jeremy Nielsen Artistic Director

David Aaronson Director of Design

Andrew DeVore Senior Designer

Damian Fehmel Executive Assistant Heather Langille Production / Pre-Press Assistant

Bonny Leung

Chief Photographer

Trevor Howell | www.323PhotoGrafix.com Contributing Photographers

Mark G. Bilodeau, Mike Bradley, Ryan English, David Ford, Jeremy Nielsen, Cory Shannon, Romy Suskin Contributing Writers

Greg Beherrall, J.D. Bermudez, Christopher Bloomfield, Scott Dumas, Seth Miller, Nic Russo, Kevin Stobo, Jonathan Stoddart, Joe Vespaziani Graphic & Web Design

Mathieu Prouse PrePress

Russell Greenlay Advertising Inquiries:

Calgary Sales Office Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 (403) 520-0116 info@vexmagazine.com

The Respectables

Distributed by

“Sweet Mama”

Gallant Distribution Systems (Calgary) Clark Distributing (Edmonton) Canada Post VEX Magazine.com Ltd.

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PM41481024 Return undeliverable items to: VEX Magazine.com Ltd. Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 info@vexmagazine.com www.vexmagazine.com GST# 86889 5715 RT0001

Publisher’s Note

find myself feeling a lot more rested, confident and just plain happier leading into this issue than I usually do at this stage in the game. We’re, once again, coming up on our print deadline and my normal demeanor at this point usually has the people closest to me running for cover and avoiding me like typhoid. Typically, my stress level, as we reach a print deadline, is critically high. I mean, we’re talking keel over from a massive stroke kinda stress. And when certain criteria around the submission of this particular issue was laid out to me about six weeks ago, I sincerely thought, if even for the briefest of moments, that this was the one that was going to kill me. You see, there’s this quaint little log cabin on a lake in Manitoba that has been in my family for generations. This is the place where I spent all my summers as a kid. And this is also the place where I wanted my son to spend all of his summers. (Or at least a couple of weeks of each summer anyway.) To most people, it’s no big deal. But to me, this place is Utopia. It’s the one place where life can be perfect and all of its problems can’t touch you. Since I launched VM in print, I’ve been able to get out to this cabin a grand total of two times. That’s it ... twice! Well, I vowed to myself that this year was going to be different. If it killed me, I was going to get out there this summer and get some well-deserved R&R. But this was going to have to be carefully planned and it was going to come at a cost. My entire family shares time at this cabin. Technically, it belongs to my parents, but I also have two sisters and an uncle who all take up a chunk of time there each summer. So my parents do their best to juggle and accommodate everyone. And for me, the timing is strict. There are only a couple of small windows of opportunity for me to take any time off during an issue. Combine that with the requests of everyone else involved, and we determined that there was only going to be one specific week that I was going to be able to have ... provided, of course, I could make it happen on my end. So what’s so stressful about all this? Well, ordinarily, our printer gives me a deadline date, knowing all too well that we’re going to be anywhere from three to five days late. The date given for this issue? August 5, 2009. The Wednesday after the long weekend. And what’s the week I was given at the cabin? August 3rd to the 10th. So if you’re do-

ing the math, you can see that I’m supposed to be leaving for my vacation two days before my scheduled deadline. That means I have to submit the new issue two days early instead of our regular five days late. And that adds to the stress. But wait ... the 3rd is the holiday Monday, and with standard business hours, that now means I have to get this to them by the preceding Friday. That makes it five days earlier than usual. Aw, crap! I almost forgot. Once I submit an issue to the printer, I still have to go in and sign off on the proof before they can actually get the thing onto the press. And it takes a full business day for our printer to actually run the set of proofs for me to look at, which means submission needs to be made by Thursday. Great! Six days early if I want to make this holiday happen. Which is technically eleven days earlier than our normal routine. Can you feel the Chernobyl-like pressure building in my gut? Well, the reason why I told you I’m feeling so good right now is because today is that Thursday. And this little note from me is the last thing that needs to be done before we send this whole thing off to the printer. With the incredibly focused efforts of everyone involved in this issue, we’re going to make our deadline ... not just on time, but a full six days early. And now, because of everyone’s hard work, I’m going to get to take off to my family’s cabin for the first time in three years. (By the way, that picture above is what I see from the lakeshore just outside the front door of my cabin.) My thanks to all of our contributors and clients for making this issue happen. And I hope all of you enjoy reading it. I’m outta here!!! Cheers! Mark G. Bilodeau

Publisher/Editor-in-Chief mgbilodeau@vexmagazine.com

All Trademarks presented in this magazine are owned by the registered owner. All advertisements appearing in this magazine are the sole responsibility of the person, business or corporation advertising their product or service. For more information on VEX Magazine’s Privacy Policy and Intention of Use, please see our website at www.vexmagazine.com. All content, photographs and articles appearing in this magazine are represented by the contributor as original content and the contributor will hold VEX Magazine Ltd. harmless against any and all damages that may arise from their contribution. All public correspondence, which may include, but is not limited to letters, e-mail, images and contact information, received by VEX Magazine becomes the property of VEX Magazine.com Ltd. and is subject to publication. To have unsolicited manuscripts, photographs and other material returned, it must be accompanied by a self-addressed return envelope with postage pre-paid. VEX Magazine is not responsible for loss, damage, or any other injury to unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or material. Reproduction of this publication in whole or in part without written consent from the publisher is strictly prohibited.

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Letters

Post Read’em Depression You put out one little magazine ... and the next thing you know, everybody seems to have an opinion on shit!

Wow, Ian ... there are so many ways we could poke fun at you over this letter, it’s completely overwhelming as to where we should begin. How about we just write it all out in one big letter and send it to you? Now, does your mom’s basement have its own mailing address or would it be easier for you if we just sent it directly to her?

Going Hog Wild I’ve always been a fan of pictures of hot chicks on motorcycles. But then again, what guy isn’t? You guys did something really special here. Five extreme hotties with bikes. What could be better? This has been the classic eye-candy combo for generations and you guys succeeded in complimenting it, rather than shitting all over it. Fine work, boys! Justin Schiff Red Deer, AB Well, it wasn’t exactly what we had in mind when we asked these girls if they’d come sit on our crotch-rockets, but c’est la vie.

Kennedy Assassination I can’t believe you would give any kind of press to that fuck-nut, Jamie Kennedy. He’s totally overrated and unfunny. My buddies dragged me out to see his show when he was in town and I can clearly see why his shows always get cancelled! Brad Sonski Edmonton, AB

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, Brad, but we can’t help but bring up the fact that while Mr. Kennedy is snuggling up to Jennifer Love Hewitt, you’re sitting at home, ﬁve-knuckling it to your latest copy of VM. We’re certainly ﬂattered ... but comparatively speaking, it’s pretty freakin’ sad, dude.

By The Numbers

Here’s a look at the average VM reader in Alberta.

14%

Needed a second look to notice there were girls on all those hot motorcycles in issue #26.

87%

Had a good laugh at that butt-nugget in the last issue who didn’t like Japanese ATVs.

Have never attended a bachelor party, but thought it sounded like a great idea.

Claimed to be the guy who was pushed through the window in last issue’s Life Behind Bars.

91%

Offered their services as “light-guy” on our next VEX Girl photo shoot.

Had no clue what we were referring to by the “Battle of Alberta.” (... stupid Roughrider fans!)

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Eskimotions Running High I read your article about my beloved Esks and those Stampeder douchebags [The War Rages On, Issue#26] and when it comes to the so-called “Battle of Alberta” there’s just no contest. The Stamps totally lucked out last season and this year the green and gold are going to steamroll right over them! Sean Bromberg Edmonton, AB

Your fan support is truly admirable, Sean. We thought we’d help you spread the word so we forwarded your e-mail to Stamps DL, Mike Labinjo. Now that 6ft/280lb “douchebag” knows exactly what he’s in for.

Let The Chips Fall I enjoyed your column on planning the ultimate bachelor party, but you left out hitting the casinos for a little blackjack. Group gambling is a huge guy-bonding activity that shouldn’t be overlooked. Ed Pritchett Red Deer, AB Nice catch, Ed. You could certainly swing by the casino between the strip club and your ﬁnal party headquarters. Of course, now we can add gambling addiction to our already established list of vices, which include alcohol abuse and an overly active sex hang-up. Yay!

Everyone who had their letter published in this issue has received a free Chickenfoot t-shirt. If you’d like to have your letter printed in VM, write to us at info@vexmagazine.com and let us know what’s on your mind. If we like it, you’re in. We’re going to take cheap shots at you when you can’t defend yourself, but you’ll get a prize.

Edmonton Eskimos photographed by Dale MacMillan.

Sith Happens In your little Star Wars factoids section, you claim that it was Jar Jar Binks who was “indirectly responsible for the fall of the Old Republic and the near annihilation of the Jedi order” in Episode II because he was the one who made the motion for Palpatine to be given supreme powers. But in fact, it was Padmé who first entrusted Jar Jar to be her proxy in the Senate. She’s the one who screwed up! Ian Bartlett Calgary, AB

Out & About

Drivers, Start Your Engines!

2009 Edmonton Indy On a weekend where the mercury was climbing above 30°C, our provincial capital was host to some of the greatest names in racing today. Canadians Paul Tracy and Alex Tagliani, along with the sexiﬁably delectable Danica Patrick, all put on a driving display that impressed a massive crowd of fans. Coupled with an incredible live performance by Sam Roberts, if you weren’t in Edmonton for the 2009 Indy race, you’re just a big fat loser! (No ... but seriously though ... it was a blast and you should have been there.) PHOTOS BY MIKE BRADLEY

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Jokes

[

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, “Iraq, two years ago.” The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog shit, 20 feet back.”

Hit ’n Run

Get A Grip

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over a possum.

One day an elderly man decided that since he had never fathered any children that he would make a deposit to the local sperm bank. At the sperm bank a young doctor gave the man a jar and told him to go into the bathroom and put his deposit in it.

Knowing that mother possums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it. They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little possum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband, what she should do? He thinks for a minute and says, “ Well it’s used to being in it’s mother’s pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in “there” it will calm down.” “I’m not going to do that!” She exclaims, “That thing is smelly and nasty!” The husband replies, “Yeah, I know. But if I can stand it, I’m sure that little guy won’t mind too much.”

Q: A: 14

After what seemed like a long time the young doctor began to worry about the elderly man so he went to the bathroom door and knocked and ask if he was all right. No answer came from beyond the door so the doctor opened the door finding the elderly man breathing hard and sweating. The doctor asks, “Are you OK?” The elderly man replied, “Son, it is not as easy as it use to be. I have slapped it, spit on it and beat it on the wall. I even ran hot water on it, I ran cold water on it and I can’t get the lid off this jar to save my life!”

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell. She has a live grenade in her other hand!

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Waiting For A Miracle A couple was driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in heaven, they met St. Peter at the gate. They asked him if he could arrange it so they could still get married. St. Peter tells them that he’ll do his best to work on it for them. Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage. He says, “I’m still working on it.”

Dinner Special Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, “Oh dad, there’s one.” “No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait.”

Two years pass by and still no marriage. St. Peter again assures them that he’s working on it.

A little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, “Hey dad, he’s plenty big enough.”

Finally, after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it’s time for their wedding.

“No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait.”

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few years the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce. “Can you arrange it?” they ask. “Are you kidding?!” St. Peter replies. “It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How the hell am I gonna find you a lawyer?”

About an hour later, this absolutely gorgeous woman came walking by. The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her.” “No, son,” said the father. “We’re not going to eat her either.” “Why not?” asked the son. “Because, we’re going to take her back alive and the tribe can eat your mother instead.”

Fresh Faces

Niki MIDDLETON photographed by Mark G. Bilodeau

You can ﬁnd this beach bunny at Calgary’s Stampede Casino as one of their sexy showgirls. “Just like any other male-dominated sport, poker is just taking longer for women to get involved and gather interest. It’s not because men make better poker players. It’s simply because there are fewer women poker players at this time. But watch out ... this will change.”

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Movies

Bloody Basterds

Tarantino’s WWII epic is a work of pure historical (pulp) ﬁction. Weinstein said, “There’s no fucking way. Whatever you’re reading, it’s like some insane blogger ... There’s no truth to any of this. He’s not gonna cut.” The good news? It was confirmed on July 8 that the film would, in fact, run one minute longer than the Cannes cut. Take that, you rumour mongers!

�

Inglourious Basterds hits theatres August 21

DVD Reviews

Warm up the home theatre system. Here’s the latest. INKHEART

17 AGAIN

Starring: Brendan Fraser, Paul Bettany

Starring: Zac Efron, Matthew Perry

Director: Iain Softley

Director: Burr Steers

OK, so it’s not The Mummy Pt.4, but it’s one of those non-chick flicks that’ll still get her feeling all gooey inside, yet you’ll be able to sit through the whole thing without losing your lunch.

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Admit it, fellas. If you had the chance to go back to high school and get a second crack at closing the deal with that hottie who sat in front of you in math, you’d jump on it in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you?

RICHARD PRYOR: LIVE AND SMOKIN’ Director: Michael Blum

Ignore the fact that this concert only has a 45 minute run-time and focus on the fact that this was Richard when he was at his rawest. This was the first live show he ever filmed and it’s a definite must have.

There isn’t a beer-drinking, skirt-chasing, action-loving guy on the planet who isn’t looking forward to the release of Inglourious Basterds. Although, it’s not arriving without its fair share of rumours. According to Wikipedia.com, after the feedback the film received at the Cannes Film Festival, executive producer Harvey Weinstein made Tarantino cut 40 minutes from the film. When asked to respond,

Music

On This Day In Music History What a long, strange trip it’s been. August 16, 1983

Paul Simon marries Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher). They would divorce in 1985, proving some things could die faster than her career.

August 17, 1995

Security guards haul Courtney Love offstage after she begins fighting with fans for not cheering loud enough at the Lollapalooza tour in Mountain View, CA.

August 19, 1980

1400 people in Toronto riot after Alice Cooper cancels a show due to illness.

August 24, 1968

Local Dirtbags Make Good

Keith Moon, drummer for The Who, drives a Lincoln into the pool of a Holiday Inn in Flint, MI.

According to this band, the world will be changed forever.

where they hooked up with producer, Sylvia Massy (System of a Down, Tool) to record their first full-length album. Proving that Alberta rock bands can, in fact, write music that isn’t just regurgitated bubblegum radio rock, you are hereby charged with acquiring and listening to Dirtbag Limo.

Three people are arrested in Memphis after attempting to steal Elvis Presley’s body. As a result, his body was moved to Graceland.

September 9, 1998

Former Sex Pistol, Johnny Rotten, appears on an episode of Judge Judy as the defendant in a case involving him allegedly headbutting a drummer in a contract dispute.

CD Reviews

For those of you that have an insatiable aural ﬁxation, here are our latest recommendations.

Chickenfoot

Don Henley

Marilyn Manson

Hilltop Hoods

Pop Evil

From the success of Velvet Revolver to the absolute nosedive of Rock Star Supernova, the process of assembling the superband has yet to be perfected. However, Sammy and Co. seem to be on the right track.

If it were up to Don and his overinflated ego, this collection would simply be a re-release of all of his solo tracks from all of his past albums. Fortunately, there are some label execs involved in whittling it down to this relatively pleasing set.

Working together for the first time in nearly a decade, the highly anticipated reunion with Twiggy Ramirez has produced an album that could almost be considered somewhat optimistic in its overall sound and concept. A bit odd coming from Marilyn.

The idea of an Australian hip-hop group may initially smack one as being a tad out of the ordinary, but these boys have been dropping quality beats since 1991. And their mileage comes through in delivering a truly veteran urban sound.

This is actually a re-mastered re-release of an album they put out nearly a year ago. Of course, it looks as though the second time is a charm for these guys as their single, 100 In A 55, has reached a new peak at #8 on the Active Rock charts.

Chickenfoot

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The Very Best Of

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The High End Of Low

State Of The Art

Lipstick On The Mirror

Chyshuga © Pictor

It all started in 2004, when the little Alberta rock band that could, Chyshuga, released their self-titled debut EP. Less than two years later, they would be featured in an up-and-coming magazine known as VM. Today, they’ve recently returned from a little town in northern California, known as Weed (rather apropos),

August 29, 1977

We Rate It

Different Strokes Your golf season is half over and you still can’t ﬁgure out how to shave a few strokes off your game. We spoke to the golf gurus at eGolf.ca in Edmonton and they offered up these swing-saving recommendations.

R9-460 Driver TaylorMade

This is like buying a custom-made driver right off the shelf. With eight different hosel settings to fit almost any swing and three adjustable weight variations, this club offers up to 24 independent configurations. If James Bond was a golfer, this would definitely be his driver.

SkyCaddie SG5

SkyGolf

This is probably the most accurate rangefinder on the market. SkyGolf is the only company that goes through the painstaking task of mapping out each course on foot. It even gives you, not only the distance to, but the actual shape of the green relative to your angle of approach.

Rainflex Suit Sun Mountain

Made out of a 4-way stretch fabric that gives you a totally waterproof experience during that rainy round, but won’t get in the way of your swing.

MyJoy Contour FootJoy

Customizable footwear at its finest. Not only can you put your company logo on them, but if you’re a mutant with different sized feet, you can order them in a varying sized pair.

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Toys

The

PowerSki

We’re not talking about a Polish protein bar here, are we?

BY KEVIN STOBO

f you’re anything like me when, or if, the temperature rises above 25 degrees in Alberta, my first instinct is to head to any lake that has a relaxed open liquor policy, a wide assortment of breasts on both sexes and of course, unlimited fun on the water. Also, if you’re like me, you’ll be the one watching all that fun from the shore because you could barely afford the gas to get to the lake, never mind fuel for the kick-ass boat you also can’t afford. Well, with the arrival of the PowerSki you might just finally be able to throw away that semi-inflated Transformers floaty.

boarding, PowerSki Alberta President, George Daniel, describes it as “an adrenaline toy, it’s made for guys who like speed and get that adrenaline rush from going fast and cutting hard.” This is the first year the board has been on the market and its design makes for a fairly hefty 170 pounds - think of it as riding John Goodman’s leg. Hidden in its fiberglass hull is a 45 horsepower motor and Daniel says it can get up to 40 miles an hour. Now with that kind of speed I wondered if this thing might just power my doughy ass into a lakeside family

The PowerSki is the newest thing trying to leave other extreme water machines in its self-propelled wake. Billed as a combination of wakeboarding, surfing and snow-

For more information, check out powerskialberta.com

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picnic. Thankfully, Daniel drowns that skepticism with his own personal experience, “I’ve never snowboarded, I don’t surf and it took me about 20 minutes to get used to the balance and how far you can lean either way. After that, your confidence increases and you can add more speed and make sharper turns.” Using the practical hand-operated steering system, soon you’ll be good enough to pull the signature PowerSki move, the G–turn. Yes, at the risk of giving yourself a lake water colonic this dicey turn leaves your entire body skimming inches above the surface as the G-forces of speed and body weight keeps you in balance. Becoming increasingly popular in areas like the Invermere Valley, Sylvan Lake and the Okanagan, the maneuverable machine rings the till at a factory price of $11,500. Despite what you think of the price tag, Daniel sees a place for his product on an already crowded lakefront, “A wakeboard you need a boat, a spotter - this you can do all on your own. You don’t need any waves, you can do it on a lake, a larger river; you only need about 3 feet of water.” Not unlike its snow and surf brothers, the board will eventually be something you can customize with your own design, colours and logos. The 330cc, two-stroke engine is meant to rev up your summer, but Daniel thinks it won’t be long before this extreme pastime becomes an extreme sport. “We’re anticipating that ultimately they’re going to have slalom courses of guys competing against each other.” For now, the PowerSki will likely also come with a few double takes but don’t be surprised if you see it make a sharp cut into the highly competitive market of summer toys we don’t really need, but holy shit it would be sweet to have one.

Behind The Wheel

I’m On A

Boat! DRIVEN AND REVIEWED BY CHRISTOPHER BLOOMFIELD

So here I am, driving through Sylvan Lake, on my way to meet Scott from Martin Motor Sports and test out the MasterCraft X2 competition boat. It’s Friday evening and it’s about 35 degrees. I just ﬁnished a round of golf at Pine Lake, so I’ve been out in this bloody heat all damn day and I’m beat. The area is quickly becoming overrun with shirtless dipshits sporting every overdone tattoo imaginable. It’s tribal tattoos as far as the eye can see, with the odd cross or Superman symbol mixed in for added gayness. Scratch that, no gay guy would be caught dead looking that cheesy. With all those matching tats, white sunglasses and faux-hawks, you look like the world’s biggest boy band street gang. Hey! Why not start a gang? I’m sure you all train in MMA. After all, that’s why you wear extreme couture shirts to the bar, right? Remember, it’s not gay unless you’re smiling. This heat has made me grumpy.

I’m on a boat ... I got my swim trunks and my flippy floppies ... I’m flippin’ burgers ... You’re at Kinko’s, straight flipping copies ...

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Behind The Wheel

get down to the marina and Scott is there putting the boat into the water. I hop in and we idle our way through the marina and out onto the open water, leaving the clowns behind. For a 20’ boat there’s lots and lots of room thanks to the pickle fork front end and the 76 cubic feet of storage space. This boat can fit 11 people (always bring an extra girl along) and all the stuff needed to have a great day out on the water. According to Scott, this was one of the boats used at the 2009 World Water Ski Championship held just south of Calgary at Predator Bay because it’s designed to maintain a straight course no matter what is being pulled behind it, which makes it ideal for competitions ... as well as fat water-skiers. In the powerboat world, not only would it be difficult to get my 230 lb frame out of the water, but once I’m out, I could potentially steer the boat due to the pulling strain my size and weight can put on it. With the X2, however, it doesn’t matter whether there are two or ten people in it. This monster will still pull you out of the water thanks to its superior design and 350+ horsepower engine. The latest trendy thing to do with these machines is weigh down one side in order to generate a big wake and then use that wake to surf behind the boat. MasterCraft has incorporated a hard tank ballast system, so with the touch of a few buttons you can get this performance easily. And the ballast system is completely below the floor so you don’t lose any storage space. Once you flood the water into the ballast, you just use the VDiG (video digital gauge) to set the boat speed to about 10 mph and then you can surf until you run out of gas. Of course, this system can be used to lower the whole boat, not just the one side, so you can actually customize your wake to whatever you’d like. After a little while of relaxing, I decided to get behind the wheel and give it a little gas. The X2 accelerates very quickly and tops out at around 42 mph. It’s not the fastest boat of this sort, but that’s not what this is about. This boat is about getting you out of the water and having fun quickly and predictably. It handles incredibly well too. At speed, on good water, you can crank the wheel and turn a 360 in about a 35-40 foot radius, which is pretty darn good. Sure, the boat is practically on its side, but there’s no risk of going over so you can do this to scare all of the bikini-clad hotties you bring on the boat with you. I do this a few times, but after a while I realize that there are no bikini-clad hotties in the boat and all I’m really doing is making Scott and myself dizzy. So I straighten out and start heading back to the marina. At this point, I have now been out in the sun for upwards of 10 hours, so I figure my sights are probably off a bit. I hop out of the driver’s seat

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so Scott can maneuver the boat back through the no wake zone and onto the trailer. We are a few minutes away from the marina so I take this time to put my feet up and check out the amenities. This particular X2 comes fully equipped with a JL audio system, so I get it turned on to hear how it sounds. We have no cd’s in the boat and we’re near Red Deer, so we are forced to listen to whatever the local radio stations have to offer. After going through a few stations I gave up and settled for Tom Sawyer by Rush. A band my much older editor would probably consider to be a Canadian rock icon. If only I had an ‘86 Camaro waiting for me in the parking lot, it would have been my editor’s perfect day. “Today’s Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride ...” Just as good old Geddy Lee is finished slappin’ the bass, we give up looking for any real music and turn the radio off because we’re just pulling into the marina. And the last thing I want to be a part of is a two guys rockin’ out to Rush on a mutha fukin boat party. Retail on the MasterCraft X2 that I drove is around $75K or so. With that, you get a vessel that is designed for you to have lots of fun and bring lots of people with you. The advantages of a 20’ boat like this is that with the pickle fork front end, you get a surprising amount of functionality, a low water stance, great predictable wakes, and you can still fit it in the garage. Happy boating!

Sex the women were asked a series of questions, such as how much they thought they would like each character, how well they would get along with the men, and how likely they would be to have a short-term, long-term, or brief sexual relationship with each character. To make the choices even more clear-cut, the women were also asked to choose which character they would be more likely to go on a three-week road trip, a formal date, have sexual relations with, marry, and prefer to see engaged to their 25-year-old daughter.

The Verdict

Overall, researchers found that the majority of the women tested thought they would definitely prefer the nice guy over the bad boy. When forced to make a hard and fast, life-defining choice between the two, the clear frontrunner for a formal date, marriage, and as a son-inlaw was the more refined and polished man. But the evidence pointing to the fact that they preferred the brutish hooligan for a short-term relationship or even just a wild one-night-stand was overwhelming.

Dads vs. Cads

When women think of “Mr. Right” it’s usually a kind, compassionate, moral man who reminds them of their father. But when it comes to picking “Mr. Right Now”, it’s the bold, dangerous and insensitive bad boy who wins out, hands down. Even the latest studies have proven, once again, what romance novelists have been writing about for centuries: women prefer bad boys for ﬂings and nice guys for long-term relationships.

esearchers tested this age-old mating theory on a group of female undergraduates. By using classic dad and rebel prototypes taken from romance novels, these ladies were asked to pick which type of guy they’d rather be with. Not surprisingly, they found the women’s tendency to pick the bad boy over the nice guy increased significantly as the length of the hypothetical relationship decreased. Approximately 60% of the women tested said they would prefer to have sex with a bad boy.

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Setting the Bar

In the study, women were asked to read various descriptive passages from classic romance novels which demonstrated prototypical gentlemen and scoundrels. The nice guys were represented by Waverly, from the novel Waverly written by Walter Scott, and Valancourt, from the Mysteries of Udolpho by Ann Radcliffe. The bad boys, on the other hand, were depicted using George Staunton from The Heart of Mid-Lothian and Clement Cleveland from The Pirate, both by Walter Scott. After reading each of the outlined passages,

Researchers say the findings show that the Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right Now distinction is naturally intuitive to women. And when given only a brief character sketch (which is about all they’re going to get from a casual drink with you at the club), women seem to be able to make informed decisions on whether you’re the guy they’re going to eventually introduce to their parents, or just the guy they’re going to ride like Trigger that night. So, now the decision is yours, fellas. The next time you plan an evening out with the boys, you can either be the nice guy and walk away that evening after a hand-shake and a smile, or you can be that bold and arrogant bad boy and walk away with some tongue and an assgrab the next morning. Tough choice, huh?

VEX Girl

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Philip photographed by 323PhotoGrafix.com

Shawna

Philip If you could have your choice of any career at all, what would it be?

Hmmm ... I ask myself this everyday ... “What do I want to be when I grow up?” ... and honestly, if I could pinpoint that down, I’d be working towards it right now. But what I do know is I’m fascinated with the entertainment industry, I’m a sport junkie and I love politics. The opportunities are endless.

So, you’re a sports fan? Hell yeah!

Quick, who do you pick ... the Stamps or the Eskimos?

I feel obligated to say Edmonton because that’s where I live. But in reality, I’m not really a big football fan, so it’s whoever plays the better game that day.

So which sports do you follow?

I like watching basketball and hockey. Especially during playoffs.

Any favourite players?

Yup ... Kobe Bryant and Sidney Crosby. I like winners. But Lebron James runs a very close second.

Do you play any sports regularly?

I’ve been playing competitive soccer for about 15 years now. I’m a defender.

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Every once in a while, the Big Guy likes to show off a bit and remind us exactly why he created women last. This gorgeous Edmonton beauty is His latest bragging right. Besides having a penchant for a good plate of butter chicken and all things Louis Vuitton, this soccer-playing goddess likes to relax at home in front of the TV and enjoy the unconditional love of her dog. Our copy intern, Chad, just went and had his name legally changed to Rover.

15 years? Sounds like you’re pretty committed.

I’m proud of what I’ve been able to give back to my community. So many of us get caught up in our day-to-day lives, we often forget to give back. One of my teammates and I decided to coach a U-16 female soccer team for the last couple years and it was amazing to see the girls develop as players and as a team. They applied the knowledge my friend and I learned from our experience of playing ball and the team placed third in their division. For some of the young ladies, it was their first medal they had

ever received and that was cool that we helped them achieve that.

Fast forward to 2014. What’s in store for you in the next five years? I have a lot of materialistic items that I’d like to obtain within the next five years, but ultimately I just want to be alive, healthy and happy by 2014. It’s really that simple.

Ever been the victim of a cheesy pick-up line? (laughs) The one I actually remember,

“So many of us get caught up in our day-to-day lives, we often forget to give back.”

“Men in thongs are funny.”

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because it was so silly it made me laugh, was “I was so captivated by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.”

What do you like ... nice guys or bad boys?

I find that I gravitate towards the bad boys. Maybe because I’m a good girl ... and you know what they say ... opposites do attract.

What’s your favourite part on a guy’s body? I like a tight stomach and a juicy butt because it looks and feels very nice.

OK ... so while we quickly do a few crunches and squats ... anything else we should know?

I like positive people in general. Guys that typically capture my attention are the ones who work hard to achieve whatever it is they want. The ones who are successful at what they do inspire me to do better in everything I do. Oh, and cooking is always a plus.

Help us solve an age-old debate. Tighty-whities or boxers ... what should a guy be wearing? Boxer-briefs are what I’m accustomed to. Men in thongs are funny though.

Any advice for the guys reading this?

Be humble. There’s a thin line between confidence and arrogance ... and arrogance is not attractive.

What’s that secret side of you that you usually don’t let anybody see?

Some people see the real nice side of me, while others don’t. I guess it all depends on who you ask? But no matter who you are, I rarely let people see me cry. I tend to keep that sensitive side to myself.

Any celebrity crushes you’d like to share?

I would say, the only celebrity I’ve ever actually had a crush on was Will Smith before he got married. But there’s currently lots of eye-candy out there and I always wonder what they’d be like in bed.

Any chance you have a “sex tape” floating around somewhere that we could pray somehow gets leaked onto the Internet?

Hell no! ... For that exact reason. (laughs)

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“There’s a thin line between confidence and arrogance ... and arrogance is not attractive.”

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Comic Stripped

It’s All About The

TIMING BY JOE VESPAZIANI

As a comedian, it’s been drilled into me that timing is everything. This is certainly true, and not just for comedy. In real life we are bombarded by the importance of timing. In the last 18 years I’ve been told to “stick to my time,” “do my time,” and “work on my timing.” Of course, all of this takes time. When comedians brag, they usually want to tell you how much time they did in a particular show. Trust me, it’s not the size of your set ... it’s what you do with it. It’s not easy to make a room full of strangers laugh at your ideas when you know they’re waiting for it. What follows is a true story about a lesson in timing that happened to me years ago in Red Deer, Alberta ...

had been working on the Yuk Yuk’s circuit for about a year or so. I was doing a show four hours north of Edmonton, and I was told that I had to get back to Edmonton the next day, pick up a rental car and then drive to Red Deer to do a gig in a sports bar/meat market in some hotel. There would be no hotel room. I would have to return to Edmonton the same night for that. I’m a little put out with all the driving, but hey, I’m a professional comedian getting paid on the road. This is just part of the territory. As I read the fine print at the bottom of the contract, I am instructed to report to the bar in Red Deer by 6PM. The show is scheduled for 8PM. I’m cool with that. As I read on, I discover that if I don’t report by 8PM at the latest, I will be fined $50. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot of money, but still ... I’m being paid very little as it is and I’d rather not have to give up a chunk of my gas money for the sake of being a bit tardy. But mostly, I just didn’t like being treated like a child. I knew I was a responsible adult and could get myself to work on time. I chose not to take it personally and figured some of the other dumb-asses I’ve met in this business must have caused a need for the threat.

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Comic Stripped

True to Murphy’s Law, I get a late start out of Northern Alberta because I can’t find the other act I drove in with. He finally comes strolling into the lobby around noon. I haul ass back to Edmonton ... turning up the stereo in an attempt to avoid any conversation with the prima donna headliner I have to escort back to Edmonton. I make pretty good time, ignoring his pleas for cigarette and potty breaks. We arrive in one piece at the Riviera Hotel in Edmonton (trust me ... it sounds a lot more glamorous than it was). I grab a quick shower and call the rental company so I can arrange to keep the car one more day. I fly out the door with my note pad full of dreams ... off to the comedy mecca known as Red Deer. I feel the tension in my neck and jaw as I drive in a race against time. I’m a natural worrier as it is and travel is a killer for me. I arrive in the hotel parking lot at 7:58PM (two minutes to spare). I run into the bar. I’m out of breath, but relieved that I won’t lose $50. I look around and see a hefty-looking guy in a Blackhawks jersey. He’s clearly got a pissy demeanor as he begrudgingly goes about stocking beer and doing a bunch of other menial stuff they failed to cover in Cocktail. I introduce myself and he looks unimpressed. He tells me I’m early. I explain the clause I read in my contract about the evening’s time table. He shrugs. I find a booth and start to write and re-write my set list over and over. Smelling the stale beer and party mix, I look up from my notepad and scope the room. I see a big-screen TV in the middle of the dance floor. I know what I’m in for. Like a seasoned tracker, I can sense the breed of animal indigenous to these parts. Forty-ish, stupid, and drunk. Probably oil or construction workers who used to be really something when they played Tier 3 hockey. I could see it coming ... me opening the show for a bunch of sour used-to-be’s in a shitty sports bar. These gigs suck. All you are is a distraction from their pathetic existence. You’re the comedian. You’re the enemy. If you’re not a third-rate hack, you have ideas and opinions woven into the fabric of your monologue that’ll only fly over everyone’s head. You’re the one person who has the balls to live his dream. You’re the one person who gets to leave town when the show’s over. You’re the one person who reminds them of what they’re not. You’re the enemy. (I wish I were kidding.) A waitress wanders over to me around 8:07PM and asks what I’m doing there so early. Again, I explain. She raises her eyebrows and gives a little “good for you” nod and walks away. Bitch didn’t even ask me if I wanted a drink. I’m the enemy. I want to yell: “Hey Miss Red Deer! Sorry you abandoned your dreams when you opened your legs, unprotected, for that dumb fucker who was really something in Tier 3.” Instead I just ask for water. I say

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please, but the water never comes. She must have read my mind. At 8:32PM another heavy-set looking guy walks in, only he’s wearing a Flames jersey. He made his presence known to the staff. They tolerate him without subtlety. He looks in my direction after the nod from the guy in the Blackhawks jersey. He walks over and tries to grip my outstretched hand around the thumb. I’m not expecting the cool guy handshake and we end up awkwardly grabbing each other just below the elbow like ham-handed Roman Centurions. I introduce myself, but he refers to me as “dude.” He says they don’t get the show rolling until around 9PM. I nod silently. What was I going to do, walk out? I ask for a Coke. He claps his hands and points both index fingers like he’s shooting me. I am the enemy. “You got it dude,” he says with a grin. After ten minutes I realize the Flames jersey has forgotten my Coke. I’m then joined by the headliner (some guy from the States) and the 18-year-old waitress from Saskatoon he’s currently screwing. He doesn’t even have the decency to take off his wedding band. She obviously doesn’t have the self-esteem to notice. He has that fox who just ate a beaver smirk on his face. I relay the situation to him. He figures if the show doesn’t start until 9PM, then he won’t be needed until around 9:30PM. This means he still has enough time to plug another one into Miss Saskatoon before he has to go on. He grabs the girl by the hand and leaves me with a written intro and a knowing wink. I watch them go with a pang of anger. What can I say? I’m jealous. I can think of no better way to pass time before a gig than a good old fashioned poke. When 10PM rolls around the Flames jersey tells me, “Dude, we’re gonna wait just a little longer for the crowd.” I ask for a Coke without

the nod this time. I don’t want to distract him. I’ll never understand the concept of waiting for a crowd. Fuck ’em. If the show says 8PM, then start at 8PM. I believe some people show up late to bars on comedy night in order to miss the comedy. I don’t want to perform for anyone who doesn’t have the decency to show up on time. Still no Coke. I’m sitting in my booth. It is now 10:34PM and I’m watching the headliner and his fuckdoll du jour order drinks at the bar. Miss Red Deer finally brings me the water. I’m pissed that Yuk’s has made me stress about being at this shit hole on time. I’m pissed that I had to wait 2½ hours to start the show. I’m pissed that the shitty American headliner is nailing one of our waitresses. (True, she’s a beetleheaded groupie whore, but she’s still a Canadian, damn it!) So now I want to take back the power! The Flames jersey scurries over and says, “Dude, you’re going on after this song.” I reply, “I need ten more minutes.” Silence. He gives me a blank stare, and after a short while says, “Cool.” He claps his hands and points both index fingers like he’s shooting me. Then he weaves his way back to the DJ booth in search of just the right song to follow the AC/DC medley that’s currently booming through the house sound system. The headliner laughs. True, it’s a tired and moderately insincere I’ve just fucked my balls off kinda laugh, but it’s a laugh. Miss Saskatoon doesn’t get it. I smile. The power is back where it belongs. It’s all about the timing.

Interview sions within their music. Jones sees himself as Hemmingway-esque, getting across feelings and ideas that aren’t bogged down with masked metaphors. “I’m more just a storyteller. That’s kinda how I write. I’m not real poetic, it’s not like I have a ton of prose in my lyrics or anything ... I write stories.” When pressed for the meaning behind some of his words, the often joyful Jones clamps up. In a telling move, indicative of his willingness to hide behind his own storytelling, Jones insists that the meaning of each song lies with the listener. “I really don’t talk much about the lyrics. I leave it to the imagination; you can take what you will from it.” That said, Jones maintains that the emotional content of Killswitch music, particularly the material existing on the new album, runs the gamut of emotion.

With Poised Ferocity Even the darkest of bands seek new territory in the abyss.

BY GREG BEHERRALL

assachusetts’ metal-core group, Killswitch Engage, has been building a dedicated fan base and exploring the depths of their sound since the release of their first album, 2000’s self-titled set. Why, then, have the band chosen the self-titled route once again for their latest disc? Lead singer Howard Jones says the reason is more about another side of the band. “We’re trying some different things, and really trying to push what it is that we do, and so we just decided, hey, why don’t we call this Killswitch Engage since we really tried to focus on the writing, the writing of the lyrics, the vocal delivery. It’s really almost like re-inventing ourselves.” This ‘re-invention of Killswitch’ is a very meticulous process - “we’ve got three guys who went to school for music; it’s something that they really try to attack. The songwriting pro-

cess is weird. I mean, some of the guys, they’ll write whole songs and say ‘hey, what do you think of this?’, and sometimes the whole song stays, sometimes it’ll get changed, sometimes it just gets discarded. Then there’s stuff that they write altogether ... it varies.” Jones’ role in the band revolves around the lyrics, but he isn’t immune to the perfectionist ideals that seem to exist in Killswitch Engage. The first single from the latest album, a track called “Reckoning”, went through the ringer. “There is not one single original lyric there. I completely re-wrote that song. I just wasn’t happy with it. That happened with a few songs. I would write it, see it, demo it, and then just completely change it.” In an era of music where most lyricists attempt to change the world with every syllable, Killswitch Engage, and particularly Jones, are a breath of fresh air. There are no grand illu-

“Some of it is hopeful. That’s generally how we write is hopeful stuff, but for me, talking with Adam and Brendan, they were just, push the boundaries with this, talk about different things. If you’re angry, write about it. If you’re sad, write about it. So, there is a bit of everything in there.” One listen to Killswitch Engage and a noticeable trait leaps out. Lead man Howard Jones seems to emulate the pain of the words and music through his growling, almost horrorhowl voice. However, Jones maintains that he isn’t channeling rage, in fact, even the notion that he taps into an intrinsic hurt to sing seems quizzical to the laid back Jones. “It’s something I’ve done for years and years now. I’ve been doing that, basically, in every band I’ve ever been in, screaming and singing. Which is weird, because, everyone is like ‘oh, metal-core’, or whatever you want to call it ... I really have been doing this for as long as I’ve been in bands, and that’s a long time.” Jones seems to be an anomaly in the world of metal-core. A fun guy, quick to laugh, calm and reserved in speech, a man juxtaposed with his on-stage persona and lyrical message. This is all fodder to the focused Jones. He knows who he is, and that person is thriving to quench the thirst for life, and feed the hunger to make time matter, a mantra summed up by his goal, night after night. “I’m just kinda living in the moment when I’m on stage.”

Greg Beharrell hosts Calgary’s New Rock Alternative, X92.9, every Monday to Friday in the evenings from 6:30pm - 11pm.

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Candid Q&A

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ISSUE #27

TOM MORELLO

His fretboard-bending prowess gave Rage Against the Machine its angst and Audioslave its edge. Now, he’s teamed up with the afro-sporting Boots Riley to form the latest ﬁght-the-establishment supergroup, Street Sweeper Social Club. interview by Greg Beherrall

Where did the name Street Sweeper Social Club come from?

Well, when Boots and I first formed the band, it was my intention to call the band Street Sweeper, which came from a lyric of Boots in The Coup catalogue. A Street Sweeper is actually a firearm. It’s a machine gun that shoots shotgun-sized shells, and is the only firearm that the National Rifle Association is in favour of banning. So, a Street Sweeper Social Club is a very interesting club to belong to. ‘Course, the message being that our music is the weapon.

So are you trying to get a message across that the music is loaded?

Absolutely. That’s the whole point that the music is the weapon. From the band’s inception, we were intending to write revolutionary party jams, and I think the subtly and the wit of Boot’s lyrics, matched with the crushing rock music that goes with them. Also, I think it’s very important to have the big hooks in the choruses that you can sing along with upon first listen, as a way to build solidarity in the hall when we sing the songs. I also like the dichotomy between the soccer stadium chants of the choruses and then the very detailed and intricate, and subtle lyrics in the verses.

Was the album the product of jam sessions?

No ... I basically wrote all of the music before we were a band, and I gave Boots a cas-

photos by romy suskin

sette tape to write the lyrics to. The biggest challenge that we’ve faced so far as a band was him finding something to play a cassette on. He looked everywhere. You can’t buy a boombox anymore in stores. He was even asking dope fiends on the street if they had broken into any cars lately to steal a cassette player, because he didn’t think that he was going to actually ever listen to the music, but it all worked out in the end.

Why does it work with Boots so well?

Well, Boots and I have been friends since 2003, and we’ve played hundreds of shows together. It was during that time that I discovered, one, that we became friends, and two, what a brilliant lyricist he is. And when Audioslave disbanded, it cleared the way for Street Sweeper Social Club.

How did the riff on Clap for the Killers come about?

Well, all of these songs, you may be surprised to hear, were originally written on acoustic guitar. Even though some of the songs are the heaviest electric guitar work I’ve ever been involved in. I had a brandnew acoustic guitar and I was just trying out some different tunings. That song has a very menacing and grinding feel to it. It’s one of my favourite songs on the record.

There’s a real hint of sarcasm in that song. The song deals with the irony that if you

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Candid Q&A murder and steal on a global scale, rather than murder and steal in your neighborhood, you’re able to retire on a yacht. I think it’s about deciding who the real criminals are, and who should be prosecuted.

Why did you want to produce the album?

I had a very clear idea of what I wanted the record to sound like, and it just seemed like a natural progression. We had a great time making this music, and we just really didn’t need any outside influences when it came to the production on the record.

The song 100 Little Curses is the first single off the album?

Yeah, absolutely. We just finished the video. It features Drea de Matteo from The Sopranos, and Breckin Meyer, both of whom are friends of ours, (they) donated their services to being in the video, so I’m really excited about that coming out.

Do you think you conceptualize guitar playing differently from other people?

That’s possible. From the very earliest days of Rage Against the Machine I looked at the guitar in a very deconstructed way, not as some hallowed instrument that must be revered and played in a very specific and time-honoured fashion. I just looked at it as a piece of wood with six wires and a few electronics that could be manipulated in a lot of ways to make music, but were not necessarily traditional ways to make music.

Where does that creativity on guitar come from?

There was a moment in 1991 when Rage was playing at a college with a couple of cover bands, and within those two cover bands there were a couple of guitar players who were tremendously technically skilled, and could play very fast. I just thought, well, if there’s all these guitar players who are shredding on this one stage at this kind of godforsaken gig in the middle of the San Fernando Valley, there doesn’t need to be one more. I need to find my own identity on my instrument, and I found that identity by concentrating on the eccentricities in my playing.

Your riffs often entice a lot of angry lyrics. Does that affect how you write on the guitar?

Oh, that’s a good question. You know what, not really. Whether it was in Audioslave, which was a less angry-slash-political band, or with Street Sweeper Social Club, I just try to write music that I really enjoy. And I think that’s the one and only responsibility you

have as a musician, or as an artist ... to write music you love. And I’ve definitely been able to do that with Street Sweeper Social Club.

So, what is it that’s going on inside of you that makes your riffs sound so raw and angry?

I think that comes from 18 years of enduring mid-western suburbia. I think that builds up a very deep cache of angst.

The last Rage Against the Machine tour seemed to go so well, but we know, now, not to expect any new material. Why is that? The different members of the band are just very busy. We did have a great time touring, and I’d very much like to tour some more in the future.

So, for now, you’re just going to focus on your own stuff?

Yeah, absolutely. I’m as excited about this Street Sweeper Social Club record as anything that I’ve done in my career, musically. It’s definitely the heaviest and funkiest music

I’ve been involved in in a very long time, and we’ve still now only played about 25 songs in the band’s history. The very first time we played was in front of 11-year-old kids at The School of Rock in Hollywood, and then the second show we played was at Sing Sing Maximum Security Prison in upstate New York, and now we’re on the Nine Inch Nails, Jane’s Addiction tour. So there’s a tremendous amount of inspiration and excitement going on on a daily basis.

Can you remember the last time you were ever in Alberta?

Absolutely. The year after the hockey strike, we were playing an Audioslave show in Calgary. I’ve never been a hockey fan in my life, but the guy who drove us from the airport to the gig was so enthusiastic about the Flames. He was telling me all the details of the players, and the history, and the rivals, and I was like ‘well, that sounds very interesting ... I’m gonna be a Flames fan.’ So, I bought a hat, and a jersey at the airport. I follow the Flames in the paper. Even though they were playing my hometown Chicago Blackhawks in the last playoffs, I still follow the Flames.

Greg Beharrell hosts Calgary’s New Rock Alternative, X92.9, every Monday to Friday in the evenings from 6:30pm - 11pm.

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Sports

WELCOME TO

Water World

Hey! I can see my house from here!

By Scott Dumas photographs courtesy of www.WaterSkiWorlds.com

In this province, we’re used to seeing our various sports heroes wear things like shoulder-pads, ski boots, helmets, gloves, cleats and skates. But in the middle of land-locked Alberta, who would have expected to add “wetsuit” to that list?

s you probably know, Alberta is home to several worldclass sporting venues. Spruce Meadows, Canada Olympic Park, Commonwealth Stadium, Lake Louise and the Stampede are on the top of that list. The best-of-the-best train, practice and compete in this province on an international level in many different activities. What you may not know, however, is that there is a site a mere 10 kms south of the Calgary city limits that is literally making waves on a global perspective. Predator Bay Water Ski Club, which is located at the base of a 200-foot ridge next to the Bow River, will be hosting the 2009 World Water Ski Championships. Canada has been well represented in water skiing for many years and Albertans have a lot to do with that. This year is no exception as the likes of Ryan Dodd from Olds and Thomas Moore from Edmonton, will be competing in the bi-annual event. But the real story for the occasion would be the presence of the 2007 World Champion and multiple world-record holder, Innisfail’s own Jaret Llewellyn. “Jaret Llewellyn,” says Dan Velcic, President of the PBWSC, “is the best water skier who ever lived.” When I spoke with Jaret over the phone recently, I asked him about this comment. Jaret, at the time, was sitting with his father at Predator Bay getting ready for another day of media, promotions and clinics. I was on speakerphone and I could hear his father laughing in the background, which got Jaret laughing. I am not sure what was going on at the other end of the phone, but I could tell they were sharing Jaret’s humility. Jaret responded, “I think he had too many drinks that day.”

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Alberta’s own Jaret Llewellyn is flying high in both the jump (above) and the short board (right).

In the sport of waterskiing, there are three different events: Slalom, Trick and Jump. Most professional water skiers can do all three, but focus and specialize in only one. Jaret, who will turn 39 this summer, is a dying breed of skiers who participates in all three events. For over 20 years Jaret has been on top of the podium over a hundred times. Jaret’s list of accomplishments is so great, he was picked as the flagbearer for the 2003 Pan-American Games. In the sport of water skiing Jaret is like the Gretzky of hockey, the Favre of football, the Nicklaus of golf. He is the current World Overall Champion, a 4-time World Jump Champion, a 5-time World Cup Jump Champion, a 3-Time World Overall Champion, a 10-time Moomba Masters Champion, a US Open Overall Champion, and the current world record holder in the Ski Fly at an incredible 299 feet. Jaret is originally from Innisfail. As a young boy, he would spend every weekend with his family at Sylvan Lake just being a kid and having fun on the water. His older brother, Kreg, who is a decorated water skier as well, was Jaret’s inspiration. He would constantly try to compete with Kreg. After a while the Llewellyn family would join forces with the famous water skiing family, the Dodd’s of Olds. Bruce Dodd, the father of Ryan Dodd, who is a multiple winner and former Canadian Champ, built a lake on their own property and this allowed both families to enjoy endless skiing. As the Llewellyn boys got older, their father realized that his sons

OK, so Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve lathered and rinsed, but do I seriously have to repeat?!!

Sports

had something special when it came to skills on the lake. At the time, if you wanted to compete in the sport of water skiing, you had to move to Florida. From the age of around 9, Jaret and his family would spend more and more time in the Florida area to the point where by the age of 18 Jaret moved to the States for good and within a year, joined his brother on the pro circuit. To have Jaret come back to his home province and compete at the World’s at the Lakes of KastynStone, the site of Predator Bay, is a huge boost to the sport and the venue. For a few months last year as well as a few weeks this summer prior to the World’s, Jaret has been spending lots of time doing promotions, sponsorship awareness and letting people know about the championship. Predator Bay is a fairly new facility that has only been running for about 10 years but has made a big impact in the water skiing community. The site, which has two man-made lakes, is in a spectacular setting. Jaret is a bit biased because he is from Alberta, but says of Predator Bay, “You never say that your baby is ugly, but this is a beautiful place and the quality of skiing you can do ... is incredible.” Even Jaret’s wife Britta, who is originally from Austria, a stunning place in its own right, and has traveled extensively as a professional water skier, says Predator Bay “is the most beautiful water ski park in the world.” About 12 years ago a private landowner approached Dan Velcic and said, “If I build a lake, would you be able to put a water ski club together?” Velcic said, “Yes.” One year later Velcic got a call from the owner who said, “The lake is full, it’s ready to go.” Since then, Velcic and his wife have been the main catalysts behind what Predator Bay is today. Velcic, who was recently named Volunteer of the Year, is the current president of PBWSC as well as the CEO of the host committee for the World Championships. “In our minds, it was an honour to be asked,” said Velcic, explaining that it was actually representatives from Water Ski Canada who saw the area at the Lakes of KastynStone and asked the club if it was interested in hosting the event. After successfully hosting the Canadian Championships last year, Velcic and his crew are extremely optimistic that they can iron out a few wrinkles before they host over 200 athletes from 40 different countries. Another story line that is transpiring at the World Championships this year is the participation of Jaret’s wife, Britta, and his son, Dorien. Britta, who was an accomplished skier herself, is coming out of retirement for only this event because it would be the first time that a father, mother and son competed at the World’s. Dorien, who just turned 13, is making his own mark in a sport that his parents flourish in. Because Dorien’s parents are Canadian and Austrian and he lives in the US, he has three passports. Since the Canadian and the US teams are very strong, Dorien competed for Austria last year to gain experience and

Jaret Llewellyn shows off his all-around abilities at the sport of waterskiing in both the slalom (above) and short board (below).

“This is a beautiful place, and the quality of skiing you can do here is incredible” qualified on his own to vie for a podium spot. “He is skiing at the World Championships five years before I ever did,” says Jaret. And as far as he is concerned he already reached a lucrative goal. “We told him,” continues Jaret, “you can go and fall on everything. It doesn’t matter. You did it. You get to ski.” Dorien is an excellent all-round skier but he excels in slalom. Jaret says of his prodigious son, “He is probably one of the best junior skiers in the world.” In a country known for its winter sports and a province known for its mountains and prairies, and not lakes, it may be surprising to hear that the planet is coming to Alberta to compete in the World Water Skiing Championships. With the addition of Predator Bay, a world-class venue, however, and the participation of Jaret Llewellyn, legend and future Hall of Famer, water skiing can be added to the list of international events that take place in this province.

Sports

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ISSUE #27

Rite of Learn how to ﬁnd yourself waist-deep in serenity. STORY BY JD BERMUDEZ

PHOTOGRAPHY BY TREVOR HOWELL

have been told that living in Alberta and not going fly fishing at least once is like living in Hawaii and never surfing. Alberta, it turns out, is a worldwide mecca for the sport, which has roots that many claim to be as old as civilization. Roman writers as early as the 1st century BC have made allusions to methods for fishing which resemble the modern sport, complete with carefully crafted bait made from dyed wool and feathers. Figuring heavily in literature and even film, the iconic sport as we know it was born on the British Isles, with manuals in English dating back as far as 500 years ago, and has evolved both in style and equipment ever since. Long held to be a therapeutic pastime, fly fishing inspires calm and relaxation. The bubbling of a stream or rushing of a river, the sounds of birds and small animals all around; the soundtrack to a good cast can sound like a hypnotic relaxation tape and the vistas one can encounter while on the water in Alberta are breathtaking. So, with all of its rich history, its health benefits and me at its global epicentre, I finally decided to try my hand at casting a line and seeing what can become of it. I was fortunate enough to have Mike Mailey, veteran fly fishing guru (www.bowriveroutfitters.com) and in-house expert, at the newlyminted DeWinton fishing outfitter, Southbow Fly and Tackle (www.southbow.ca), take me

out for a wade into one of the most difficult, and rewarding, fisheries in the world - Calgary’s Bow River. Having cast his first fly at the tender age of 11, Mike has been a professional guide now for over a quarter of a decade, and has taught the sport to thousands of people, from clueless writers like me to experienced anglers and celebrities, many of whom happily call him a friend, in gratitude for his sharing of his passion with them. It’s under the wing of Mike’s experience that I stand in a field on a rainy morning, learning the backbone of fly fishing - the cast. The slender, 9-foot fly rod I’m using to cast, Mike tells me, is higher-end, being “a $900 stick”, as he calls it. Where its ancestors started out made of yew, cane or greenheart wood, this rod is made of high-tech carbon-fibre mated to what looks like a cork handle. The whole contraption weighs almost nothing in the hand, and looks a little strange to me: the reel is sitting on the butt of the pole, below where my hand will rest, not above it, like on a “normal” rod. “That’s important,” Mike tells me, “for balance, and because it keeps it out of your way.” The line in the reel looks funny too, thicker than what I’m used to seeing. I am told that this is because rather than casting a weighted lure, when I’m fly fishing, I’m casting the line itself; it needs to have mass in order to carry

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“The average ﬁsh on the Bow is a prize ﬁsh in a lot of other parts of the world” the nearly weightless fly away from me and (hopefully) towards a fish. Once made of silk or horse hair, modern lines are a heavy synthetic and, I suspect, probably the heaviest part of the rig I’m holding in my hand. After a few false starts and my managing to get myself tangled in every piece of vegetation for a 30 foot radius around us, Mike soon has me casting semi-consistently with some confidence. “There are guys,” he informs me in all seriousness, “who can choose and hit every leaf on a tree with their line, they’re that good.” Myself, I was just glad that I’m getting the line out in front of me. Mike then takes a moment to fasten a fly to my line, an imitation stone-fly that he’s crafted himself out of foam, rubber legs and some unnamed synthetic fuzz. We’ll be dry-casting, which means that we’re using a fly that floats and is supposed to represent a bug landing on the surface of the water. The fish, in theory, will see it as prey and try to snatch it. Fly tying is an art form, one that requires patience and an intimate knowledge of the local fish’s prey. Mike has been crafting his own flies since he was 14, and says that it’s his favourite part of the sport.

wreak havoc on my line. Sure enough, half of my casts end up in the grass along the water’s edge, but I manage to land at least as many in the clear water along the bank, where Mike assures me the fish would be looking for bugs and oxygen. He patiently points to the spots where experience tells him I might get lucky, though he explains that the Bow is one of the hardest fisheries in the province. “We have great fish in Alberta, that’s why everyone wants to come here. The water’s pretty rich in phosphates, so you get more algae, which means more bugs, which means more food, which means more fish.” He explains that fishing regulations on the Bow help as well. “You have to release anything over 15 and 3⁄4 inches, so the big spawning fish go back into the water. That means you get more fish, and bigger - the average fish on the Bow is a prize fish in a lot of other parts of the world.”

The morning’s casting lessons over with and my fly rod tipped with Mike’s handiwork, I tuck myself into a pair of hip-waders and some sturdy boots. I’m ready to hit the river.

The downside to that, Mike tells me, is that there’s a lot of pressure on the fishery. Local anglers and tourists from around the world flock to the Bow in the thousands every year, which is great for business, but makes the river harder to fish because a lot of the smaller fish get taken and the survivors get smart. As if to prove him right, no fewer than seven boats float by us as we waded along the river’s bank. At least as many fishermen stalk the shores around us at one point or another.

Swollen and muddy from a week’s hard rain, the Bow does not look welcoming. The water, brown and murky, rushes past us and soon a wind picks up that Mike warns me will

After an hour or so of steadily casting, retrieving and casting my line again, I hear Mike call out that he’s got a bite. His line is tight, the rod bent nearly double as the trout he’s fight-

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ing tries to make a break for it. He carefully trades rods with me, but the fish manages to unhook itself and swim off. Mike smiles, saying that he wasn’t sure we’d catch anything on such a miserable day. As it turns out, we get doubly lucky as, a few minutes later, I cast my line with something resembling accuracy at a quiet spot in the water that Mike has pointed out to me. I hear a small splash and, at first, think that I must be tangled in the weeds again as my line goes taut. Then I feel a slight pull and I laugh as I realize that I have it; the first fish I’ve ever caught. Mike talks me through the fight, which doesn’t last longer than a couple of minutes, but was enough to get my blood up. My guide wades out to my line and deftly picks the fish out of the water. My first fish is a beautiful, 16-inch rainbow trout, named for the shimmering band of coloured scales down its flanks. Mike picks the hook out of the fish’s mouth and holds it in the water so that I can see it, and then lets it swim away. My guide looks up at me, and I’m sure I’m grinning like an idiot. “And that’s the best part of a day at the office for me,” Mike says, “seeing the smile on a guy’s face when he gets one.” I’ve fly fished in Alberta at least once now, but I know that it won’t be the last time. It’s easy to see how someone could start a lifelong love affair with the sport, and I may just spend a lot more time on the river from here on in.

Place Your Bets

Poker? I Hardly Know ’er!

If we told you that an evening at a blackjack table was better than a night in the sack, you’d probably think we were nuts. Well, help us out of this straitjacket and we’ll prove it!

t’s no big secret that places like Las Vegas, Atlantic City, or even right here in Alberta use sex as an attraction for their casinos. Of course, we always just write stuff like that off to the fact that sex sells. And given the fact that casinos are in the business of drawing huge crowds, enticing them to drop copious amounts of money and have them still wanting to come back for more, sex is most certainly a good way of closing the deal. But why do gambling and sex go so well together? When you look into the deep-seated psychological relationship between these two ritualistic pastimes, you’ll find that they’re a lot more closely related than you might actually think. Research has discovered that man (as a species ... not as a gender) takes part in several risk vs. reward activities every day. Everything from gambling and sex to sports, playing the stock market, or even just chancing that shortcut to work in the morning, is all rooted in this subconscious calculator we all have that weighs the amount of risk we’re about to take against the potential reward we’re hoping to gain. Even as far back as prehistoric man, when hunters would decide to go after the big game mastodon as a group, rather than hunting smaller game in pairs, even though they knew that such a venture meant certain injury or death to many of them. Our risk/reward calculator has basically been evolving along with us since the beginning of time.

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Of course, the psychological level is just one of the parallels. There’s also a physical reason as to why gambling is paired so well with sex. Studies have also shown that the rush you get from dropping bets is caused by the same chemical reaction in your brain as when you’re getting your freak on. The culprit? Dopamine. A chemical secreted by your brain which causes that sense of euphoria we feel both in bed and at the gaming tables. In fact, dopamine is the key factor blamed for people suffering from both sex and gambling addictions. Because your subconscious mind craves that warm, heavenly feeling you once had, it manipulates the conscious mind to sway towards those activities that will help to once again achieve that dopamine rush. However, regardless of their proven similarities, the research has also shown that there is one key factor that differentiates these two activities. If you have a bad sexual experience (highly unlikely, although certainly possible) you wind up feeling dejected and depressed. However, testing has shown that when it comes to gambling, your dopamine levels not only increase when you win, but also when you lose. So no matter how your final experience plays out at the casino, you always leave with a guaranteed level of satisfaction. So the next time you find yourself in a sexual dry-spell, grab some buddies and hit the casino for a little action. Win or lose, you’ll still walk away feeling gratified and sated.

Fitness

Full Court Press

Be more than “up” for a little 3-on-3. We’ve found ourselves particularly blessed with some amazing weekend weather this summer. Perfect for a little b-ball action in the neighbourhood park. In order to help you build both the body strength and lung capacity for a full game, VM’s fitness expert, Nic Russo, has come up with a twin circuit-training program that’ll help make sure you’ve got game until the final bucket drops.

STRENGTH TRAINING You don’t need a fancy gym membership and a bunch of Hammersmith equipment to achieve a decent level of strength training. Using the things that are commonly found in the average park, along with your own body

weight, and you can still reach a babe-pleasing level of manly buffitude. Just do this simple circuit a total of six times and we guarantee your muscles will be feeling it the next day.

10 x Jump-Ups

10 x Push-Ups

onto a park bench

10 x Pull-Ups

on the basketball

on the monkey bars

10 x Dips

on a park bench

Hand-Stand Push-Ups

10 x Leg-Raises

against a tree (x10 or as many as you can)

on the monkey bars

ENDURANCE TRAINING Treadmill? You don’t need no stinking treadmill! Now that you’ve completed the resistance portion of your workout, it’s time to do a little cardio. Measure off a square in the park, roughly 20 feet on each side. Then give

Sprint x 1 Length Jog x 3 Lengths

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yourself a little warm-up by jogging around the entire perimeter twice. Now, without taking a break after your warm-up laps, immediately go into this stamina-building set. Finally, jog two more laps to cool down.

3 Sprint x 3 Lengths Jog x 1 Length

4 Sprint x 4 Lengths

Mind Games

DOUBLE TAKE

Can you ﬁnd the things we’ve changed in these two pictures?

The boys are back and getting out of jail. Julian has plans to go legit, while back at Sunnyvale, Jim Lahey’s been off the sauce for two years and has big plans for the trailer park. Of course, none of this is going to go as planned, otherwise it wouldn’t be much of a movie, would it?

10 DIFFERENCES KEEP TRACK

ANSWERS: 1) Julian’s chains are gone. 2) Randy’s cap is missing a “Security”. 3) The “R” is backwards in the “Security” on Bubbles’ chest. 4) Julian has an earring in both ears. 5) There’s an extra person behind Julian and Bubbles. 6) Randy’s sideburn got a trim. 7) The button on Bubbles’ CB handset is on the other side. 8) The tree in the left background is fuller. 9) “Security” is missing from Julian’s chest. 10) The red car bumper on the left is missing.

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Check out the troublesome trio, sporting the finest in duct tape security wear. Yes, they look absolutely stunning, but we felt compelled to mess with their picture anyway.

Parting Shot

Lauren

KESLER

photographed by 323PhotoGrafix.com makeup by Gina Cicero

Born:

July 10, 1988

Height:

5’ 3”

Body:

32D - 24 - 34

Favourite hobby?

“I love holidays! Tanning anywhere the sun comes up.”

Favourite sports figure?

“Bertuzzi ... even though I hate the Flames. He’s still a Canuck to me.”

Words of wisdom?

“Don’t lie. Some day that big ugly truth could show itself.”

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RIGHT NOW, YOUR PRACTICAL SIDE IS VERY, VERY

NERVOUS

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