VEX Magazine (issue #28) by VEX Magazine

UFC Heavyweight Frank Mir Waxes Philosophical PROUDLY CANADIAN

SINCE 2001

CALGARY 2009 ::: VOLUME 5 ::: ISSUE #28

ALBERTA’S LEADING LIFESTYLE AND ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE FOR MEN

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Bench Boss

Brent Sutter The Flames pull their latest leader from one of professional hockey’s illustrious Royal Families. PM 41481024

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contents features

2009 : VOL.5 : ISSUE #28

64 Angel-leena If you ever had dreams of being touched by an angel, get ready for this issue’s sexy Parting Shot girl.

40 Strength & Honour

Former UFC Heavyweight Champ, Frank Mir, paid a visit to Calgary and spent some time philosophizing with VM.

46 Bench Bosses

Professional hockey in Alberta has just had a couple of huge shots in the arm. Brent Sutter and Pat Quinn have just entered their respective buildings.

54 Redefining Peace

One of Canada’s all-time biggest rock bands goes through growing pains just like anyone else. The trick is, they make it work.

On the Cover (Calgary)

Brent Sutter photograph by Mark G. Bilodeau

On the Cover (Edmonton)

Pat Quinn photograph by Andy Devlin / Edmonton Oilers Hockey Club

This Page

Photograph by 323PhotoGrafix.com

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contents inside

2009 : VOL.5 : ISSUE #28

20 50 8 Letters

You people sure love to hate us.

10 Out & About

CJAY92’s 5th annual Charity Rock Ride.

12 Jokes

Promoting more laughter in the work place.

14 Fresh Faces: Monica Tang

This petite package packs a punch of sexy!

16 Vexology: Vodka

It’s not just for spiking watermelons anymore.

18 Toys

Adding muscle to muscle. 2010 Camaro SS

20 Movies 22

So what’s Hollywood been up to lately?

22 Music

Put it on and crank it up!

24 VEX-Rated

Checking out the latest in hockey lumber.

26 Comic Stripped

How did Jack ever put up with Janet & Chrissy?

30 Sex

Did you know guys and girls are different?

32 VEX Girl: Victoria Harris

The girl you wish was living next door.

50 Test Drive

2009 Volkswagen Tiguan

58 Spotlight: Default

Discussing the new album and the new label.

60 Fitness

Get rock solid like an MMA fighter.

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62 Coffee Break

How are you at Seinfeld-isms?

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PUBLISHER / EDITOR IN CHIEF

Mark G. Bilodeau Creative Director

Jeremy Nielsen Assistant Editor

Christopher Bloomfield Artistic Director

David Aaronson Director of Design

Andrew DeVore Senior Designer

Damian Fehmel Executive Assistant Andrew “McLovin” Corry Production / Pre-Press Assistant

Bonny Leung

Chief Photographer

Trevor Howell | www.323PhotoGrafix.com Contributing Photographers

Steve Barr, Mark G. Bilodeau, Mike Bradley, Andy Devlin, Ryan English, David Ford, Mark Maryanovich, Jeremy Nielsen, Dustin Rabin Contributing Writers

Erika Baltrus, Greg Beharrell, J.D. Bermudez, Samantha Blake, Christopher Bloomfield, Seth Miller, David Nuttall, Bill Robinson, Nic Russo, Joe Vespaziani Graphic & Web Design

Mathieu Prouse PrePress

Russell Greenlay Advertising Inquiries:

Alberta Sales Office Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 (403) 520-0116 info@vexmagazine.com Distributed by

Gallant Distribution Systems (Calgary) Clark Distributing (Edmonton) Canada Post VEX Magazine.com Ltd. VM is published six times per year by © 2008 VEX Magazine.com Ltd. All Rights Reserved. PM41481024 Return undeliverable items to: VEX Magazine.com Ltd. Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 info@vexmagazine.com www.vexmagazine.com GST# 86889 5715 RT0001 All Trademarks presented in this magazine are owned by the registered owner. All advertisements appearing in this magazine are the sole responsibility of the person, business or corporation advertising their product or service. For more information on VEX Magazine’s Privacy Policy and Intention of Use, please see our website at www. vexmagazine.com. All content, photographs and articles appearing in this magazine are represented by the contributor as original content and the contributor will hold VEX Magazine Ltd. harmless against any and all damages that may arise from their contribution. All public correspondence, which may include, but is not limited to letters, e-mail, images and contact information, received by VEX Magazine becomes the property of VEX Magazine.com Ltd. and is subject to publication. To have unsolicited manuscripts, photographs and other material returned, it must be accompanied by a self-addressed return envelope with postage pre-paid. VEX Magazine is not responsible for loss, damage, or any other injury to unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or material. Reproduction of this publication in whole or in part without written consent from the publisher is strictly prohibited.

letters Mailmen, Oh Pause! The cooler weather may be upon us, but thanks to you we’re still taking a lot of heat.

Brief Encounter

Another incredible photo spread, you guys. Shawna Philip is absolutely gorgeous. Way to go! One thing about her interview got my attention though. She said she thought guys who wore thongs were funny. Which leads me to wonder, what the hell kind of guys is she dating anyway? I mean, what ﬂamer wears a thong and still lands a woman like that? There’s got to be something wrong in the universe if this is happening often enough in her life to merit comment. Randy Hodick Calgary, AB

photo by 323PhotoGrafix.com

Bad Boy 101 After reading your article about girls preferring bad boys over nice guys [“Dads vs. Cads,” Issue #27] I have to say that I learned absolutely nothing new from it. We already know this. We’ve known this for centuries. Why don’t you guys publish a useful article that’s designed to teach us nice guys how to become bad boys so we can have a fighting chance at hooking up with some of these hot ladies? THAT would be something worth reading. Mitch Newsum Calgary, AB Turning lambs into lions, lead into gold, water into wine. It just ain’t gonna happen. Be glad you’re a nice guy, Mitch. The woman you do eventually hook up with will appreciate it. Meanwhile, we’ll be having crazy-ass sex with her!

Who’s The Dummy? In your latest issue you guys featured a cool man-toy called a PowerSki. That’s one of the most awesome things I’ve ever seen! The

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We had been hoping to ﬁnd an opportunity to check with Shawna about this for you, but we’ve been too busy shopping for leopardskin G-strings with Victoria’s Secret model, Adriana Lima. Sorry.

only problem is, you dummies forgot to mention where someone could get one of these things. Summer’s almost done, but I wouldn’t mind taking one out for a test drive before the snow hits and have it ready to start next year’s beach season off right. Paul Fishman Edmonton, AB Flip to that story again, Paul, and try looking just under the graphic at the bottom of the page. The website is PowerSkiAlberta.com for more info. And as for starting off next summer the right way ... we would strongly suggest you not wear that purple satin banana-hammock you insisted on parading around in this year.

Apples & Oranges I got a laugh out of your article comparing poker and sex. [“Poker? I Hardly Know ’er!” Issue #27] If you guys seriously think that gambling is better than sex, you’re probably doing it wrong. Brett Hadfield Edmonton, AB Well, in all fairness, that article had been based on actual scientiﬁc studies. But are you trying to tell us that there’s more to having sex than sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing a chicken suit, while the girl locks herself in the bathroom with her cell phone? Wait’ll we tell the guys!

BY THE NUMBERS Random facts about an average month in a VM reader’s life.

Pints of beer consumed.

430

Minutes spent on the toilet.

Hours watching sports.

out&about Going Hog Wild!

5th Annual CJAY92

Charity Rock Ride & Poker Run Bikers from all over Alberta converged on Calgary back in August and gathered at The Back Alley to support the CJAY92 Kids Fund. VM was on hand to snap some pics of some of the riders along with a few lovely ladies, including Playboy model, Marcie Lynn. PHOTOS BY MARK G. BILODEAU

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jokes

[ [ Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and was very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked.

“Everything was going ﬁne,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!”

“You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”

Sand Trap

An Easier Way Out

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, swimming up out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She walks up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

A guy was walking down the street in Los Angeles when he tripped over an old oil lamp. He picked it up and dusted it off. *POOF* A Genie appeared.

“Ten years!”, he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Oh man! That’s good!” Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!” Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

The very angry Genie said, “Alright, I’ve had enough of this three wish crap. And because you interrupted me while I was watching my HBO Special, I’m only giving you one wish!” The surprised man said, “OK ... I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with ten million dollars stashed in a safe in the master bedroom, but I’m afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a private bridge from here to Hawaii so I can drive there and back whenever I want in my brand new, top-of-the-line Lamborghini.” The Genie snapped, “Are you crazy?!! Do you know how much effort that will take to put all that together? The money, the condo, the car ... not to mention all the cement it would take to build the bridge with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean! No way, it just can’t happen.” “Fine,” the man said with a smile, “Then, I want to understand women.” The Genie said, “Would you like two lanes or four?”

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Q: A:

Why won’t sharks attack politicians? Professional courtesy.

Blue Ball Special A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $5.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who was flirting with an eager-looking group of guys at the other end of the bar. “Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile. “I was just wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?” “Yes” she purrs “I am.” “Well wash your hands, sweetheart,” says the man, “I want a cheese sandwich!”

fresh faces

Monica TANG PHOTOGRAPHED BY MARK G. BILODEAU

Self-proclaimed “small-fry”, Monica Tang, standing at a monolithic 5’ 3”, can be found on the weekends serving up cocktails at Calgary’s Deerfoot Inn & Casino.

What’s in a name? My English name is Monica, but my Vietnamese name translated means Jade. I’ve had people call me “Bang-Bang Monica Tang”, but I prefer nicknames such as Moni, or Mon-mon. Getting away from it all. I love to travel. It lets me get away for a moment to relax or just be carefree. Even if it is just for a couple days, I like to be anywhere but here. Hit me! I don’t gamble much but when I do, I like playing black jack because I’m in control of my hand! If Jennifer Tilly can do it ... Poker is a thinking game. Any intelligent person can become a good player with the right discipline, study, practice and effort. I think that making assumptions based on gender can be a very costly mistake at the poker table. Thanks to the popularity of poker these days, more and more women are getting involved in the game, and I think it’s only a matter of time before we see far more female champions.

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vexology

Vodka

For decades, this crystal clear spirit has primarily seen its popularity in North America as an alcoholic base for otherwise mixed cocktails. But for centuries, the people of Europe’s Eastern Bloc have been enjoying it straight up and unabashed. Here’s a brief history lesson on the little ﬁre water that goes so well with everything.

BY DAVID NUTTALL

odka may be the most maligned of spirits. Its popularity, flavour, production methods and even its source raw materials have constantly fluctuated and evolved throughout the centuries. Even its origins have been debated, with many countries laying claim to be the home of vodka. There is no doubt, however, that it first appeared in or around the 14th century along the “Vodka Belt”, the area of Eastern Europe ranging from the Scandinavian/Nordic countries in the north, through the Slavic countries, south to the Black Sea. It was the introduction of the distillation process, probably through Irish or Mediterranean monks, that allowed people of the northern climes to transport vodka without the fear of it freezing, something that inhibited the movement of lower proofed spirits such as beer and wine. According to Webster’s Dictionary, vodka is “a colourless liquor of neutral spirits distilled from a mash (as of rye or wheat)”. The word itself is derived from either the Russian (voda) or Polish (woda) words for ‘little water’. Technically, vodka is a pure spirit that has been distilled multiple times, diluted with water and

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filtered before bottling. The neutral spirit can be made from almost anything that contains starch and as such has (and is) made from rye, wheat, sugar beets, molasses, potatoes, millet, corn or maize, whey, sorghum, grapes, soybeans and more. Different countries tend to use the most readily available source raw material, which results in differences in taste and quality from brand to brand. While vodka has always been a mainstay of spirits in Eastern Europe, its popularity in North America has been checkered. In the 1800’s through to the 20th century, it was a very sad fourth in popularity in hard spirits behind whiskey, gin, and rum. During Prohibition, its reputation sank even further, as its relative ease of production led to serious quality issues (bathtub vodka). It was not until 1934 and the first production of Smirnoff Vodka in America, that there began to be growth in the category. Advertised as a spirit with “no taste, no smell”, it was marketed as the clear spirit which was light and mixed well with anything, kicking off the post-war cocktail culture. As more quality brands from Europe began to hit the shelves in the 1960’s and 70’s, vodkas sales climbed to the point that by 1975, it was the top selling

All Hail Caesar! Try this kicked up version of the classic Canadian cocktail. • • • • • • • • •

6 oz Clamato Juice 1½ oz Vodka 3 Dashes Tabasco Sauce 3 Dashes Worcestershire Sauce Celery Salt Black Pepper Cayenne Pepper 1 Lime wedge 1 Crisp Celery Stalk

Rim the glass with lime and celery salt. Drop in some ice and then the vodka. Now add the Tabasco, Worcestershire, celery salt, black pepper and a pinch of ground cayenne pepper. Garnish with the stalk of celery and lime wedge. You may now commence partying your face off.

spirit in North America. Recently, the vodka category has made two significant marketing moves. The first was in the 1990’s and the introduction of flavoured vodkas. While flavouring vodka has always been present in most European vodkas from the beginning, in North America vodka had always been marketed as the tasteless spirit. This attempt to broaden its appeal helped kick-start the current “martini” culture, which in turn spurred vodka’s continued growth, especially among women. While new flavours continue to hit the market, the current trend has been the introduction of so-called “premium vodkas”. These new lines are not only more costly than “regular” vodka, they come in designer bottles, are distilled and/or filtered multiple times or have other proprietary features such as small batch production, unique water sources or distillation techniques, or some other characteristic which “justifies” their high price tag. To be sure, the vodka category continues to grow, with new products constantly hitting the market and new trends being defined - “superpremium” vodkas anyone?

toys

Haulin’ Ass

Ron Mantei, owner of Mantei’s Transport Ltd., parks his ﬂeet of 18-wheelers and takes some time out to show us his customized 2010 Camaro SS. Why a Camaro? I had always been looking at the old Camaros. I liked the late 60’s and early 70’s models. But for the price you have to pay to get one that’s properly restored and done up, I figured I might as well just buy a new one and do what I want with it. So you kinda get the feeling of the old Camaro, but with new technology.

Did you buy it planning to make some customized modiﬁcations to it? No. I knew I was going to do the headers and the exhaust for sure, but I wanted to kinda keep it stock. But then Steve at Davenport called me and told me he was getting in all this stuff for it, so I went in and looked. He showed me that supercharger in the box, all shiny, and he says, “You know, I only have two of these.” ... So I just figured, OK, when do you want the car? What exactly have the boys at Davenport done to this car? They put in the supercharger, which comes as a kit ... along with the headers and the exhaust. And does it stop there? Well, no ... I’ve got wheels coming. They’re custom made. They’ll be the same size tire ... just a wider rim. So they’ll still be 20”, but

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we’re going to go a little fatter in the back and wider in the front. Is this your daily driver? Oh yeah, I’ll drive it to work. I go everywhere in it now. It’s too much fun to leave sitting in the garage. What would make you think of ever selling it? Divorce. (laughs) I like to buy and sell vehicles. I buy a new boat every year and I buy a new ski-doo every year ... I buy a new everything every year, so ... I gotta keep the car. My wife told me ... “Don’t you sell that car!” So will you hand it down to your son? Well, the kid wants it. I mean, he’s nineteen ... he wants to drive it. But I tell him, “Only if dad’s in the car.” I always take the keys with me when I leave the house.

PHOTOGRAPH BY MARK G. BILODEAU

movies

It’s Gonna Be Biblical!

The greatest thing about vigilante flicks is getting to see the suffering victim exact justice on the murderous bad guy. But what about the lawyer who got the bad guy off in the first place? And for that matter, what about the legal system that allowed it to happen? Well, in the new thriller Law Abiding Citizen, Butler’s character (Clyde Shelton) goes after everyone. And the cool thing about it is that he orchestrates it all from inside his jail cell. This film is the first time Butler steps into the role of producer. He initially wanted Jamie Foxx to play Shelton, but Foxx said he was only interested in the playing the DA. Hence, Butler got to play the psycho role that he told the L.A. Times was his “Hannibal Lector ... It’s Kevin Spacey in Se7en.”

Abducting Milla

Milla Jovovich arouses terror in the alien abduction thriller The Fourth Kind. She may be the object of many a man’s desire, but in this documentary reenactment-style film set in Nome, Alaska, Jovovich’s performance promises to take even the burliest of lumberjacks and turn him into a whimpering pile of dung butter. The film claims to be based on actual events, but then again, so did The Blair Witch Project. According to JoBlo.com, “It is a truly scary film. The archive footage is very disturbing.” Watch for it in theatres on November 6, 2009.

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Law Abiding Citizen Photo Credit: John Baer © 2009 LAC Films, LLC. All Rights Reserved. © 2009 Alliance Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. The Fourth Kind Photo Credit: Simon Vesrano © 2009 Rogue Pictures. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Gerard Butler lays his wrath upon all in Law Abiding Citizen.

Armchair Cinema

Here are some of the latest movies you can be watching at home.

Angels & Demons

Based on the Dan Brown novel of the same name, Angels & Demons was originally written, published and the story having taken place before The Da Vinci Code. Director Ron Howard, however, chose to alter the story and film it as a sequel instead. Any way you slice it, we still get to watch our favourite subjugating symbologist navigate his way through a labyrinth of mystical lore in the search for truth, justice and the Catholic way. (Kind of like Superman, only wearing a tunic instead of a cape.) You’re going to have to wait until November 24, 2009, to see this one on your home screen.

Year One

Jack Black, Michael Cera

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening. All my brain blood was in my boner.”

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner

“Whoa! Never touch a man while he’s hanging a wire. “

Line, Please!

Match the Tom Hanks line with the movie he said it in.

1. “This is the food prison riots are made out of.”

A. A League of Their Own

2. “This guy knows God personally, I hear they play racquetball together.”

B. Volunteers

3. “It’s not that I can’t help these people. It’s just I don’t want to.”

C. Dragnet

4. “Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on?”

D. Bachelor Party

5. “Mozart? Mozart is dead, his problems are over, help MEEEE!!!”

E. The Money Pit

ANSWERS: 1-D, 2-C, 3-B, 4-A, 5-E

Year One © 2009 Columbia Pictures Industries, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past TM & © MMIX New Line Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Distributed exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved. Angels & Demons © 2009 Columbia Pictures Industries, Inc. All Rights Reserved. A League of Their Own © 1992 Columbia Pictures Industries, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Robert Langdon returns in this predecessorturned-sequel.

music Pearl Jam

Michael Franti & Spearhead

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Backspacer

Home Grown Buckcherry’s new Live CD is

The princes of late 90’s grunge have returned with their first album in three years ... and it’s great! Please, enjoy the music. But let’s hope we don’t have to endure another influx of stringy hair, tattered jeans and plaid flannel shirts.

He’s a focused and dedicated social activist, speaking out against human injustices through his music, film and even in the political arena. Hell, the man hasn’t worn shoes since 2000! His powerful lyrics and infectious reggae style make this CD a must.

The Beatles (ft. Tony Sheridan)

Corb Lund

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First!

uniquely Albertan.

The hardest working bad boys in rock ’n roll recorded their entire Live and Loud CD using sets from their shows in Edmonton, Calgary and Medicine Hat. And all of the photography, from the cover to the liner notes, was shot by VM’s very own publisher, Mark G. Bilodeau. How’s that for keepin’ it in the family?!!

Buckcherry Live and Loud

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All Rebel Rockers

Just when you thought you knew the whole story about these British mop-tops ... This deluxe CD set gives you a completely re-mastered version of their first recording session from 1961 in Hamburg along with a 28-page booklet that tells the real story.

Losin’ Lately Gambler He’s a third generation Alberta rancher, with a sound that appeals to cowboys, bikers, oil tycoons and MMA fighters alike. His potent lyrics and an authentic sound are a far cry from the usual “She left me, my dog died and my truck broke down” bullshit.

ON THIS DAY IN MUSIC HISTORY

November 2, 1991

November 11, 1968

November 15, 1990

November 18, 1993

Jermaine Jackson releases the single Word To The Badd, in which he hacks on his brother Michael for being self-centered and materialistic. Michael would protest and the song is rereleased with the lyrics changed. Way to stand behind your principles, Jermaine! You really showed him who’s boss.

John Lennon and Yoko Ono appear nude on the cover of the 2 Virgins album. Besides sparking the obvious controversy with the general public, this event proved that British men have saggy bottoms and that, contrary to popular belief, not all women are better looking with their clothes off.

Album producers admit that the singing on the Grammy Award winning Milli Vanilli album was in fact dubbed. This causes the true vocalists, Charles Shaw, Brad Howard and John Davis to fear for their lives, knowing they would now have to confess to being responsible for that festering turd of an album.

Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder and Chicago White Sox pitcher, Jack McDowell, are involved in a bar room brawl in New Orleans. Vedder is arrested for public drunkenness and disturbing the peace, which leads one to ask ... Exactly how pissed do you have to be to get arrested for public drunkeness in the Big Easy?

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vex-rated

OUR PICK

Stickin’ Around We had hockey equipment expert Mark Kondrat of Edge Sports in Cochrane take the top 5 sticks out on the ice to see which one gives you the most slap for your shot.

Easton Synergy SE16 Providing a feather-touch feel for unparalleled puck control, this stick comes equipped with a kevlar-wrapped shaft to help prevent your stick from snapping in half in case you get slashed. Of course, it also comes in handy when trying to deke around a pistolpacking defenceman.

Reebok 10K Made of “High Modulus” graphite, this stick is unbelievably light. It was designed to have what Reebok calls a “low kick zone”, which is apparently great for quicker snap and wrist shots. We were relieved to find out this was a hockey term and not just a stick designed for cup-testing junk shots.

Back in the days of all-wooden sticks, Bobby Orr used to go through 120-180 sticks per season.

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Easton Stealth S19 This latest generation stick from Easton has the same ultra-touch and shrapnel-stopping kevlar wrap of the SE16, but it was the TORX technology that helps transfer the torque from your hands to the blade for a lightning-fast release that really got our juices flowing with this stick.

Nike Bauer Supreme One95 Terrific energy-transfer design for killer slapshots and a redesigned blade for better control and improved balance. NHLers like Patrick Kane, Phil Kessel and Simon Gagne all back this stick, so there’s sure to be a few sold based on fan support alone.

Wayne Gretzky would wrap his stick blade in friction tape and then dust it with baby powder.

Warrior Kronik Touted as being the top stick in the juniors, the Kronik has a true onepiece construction and boasts a nipple-grip coating to prevent slipping. Of course, when you’re a junior, getting your hands on anything nipple-related is key, so we’re not completely sold on this stick’s popularity.

The world’s oldest hockey stick (circa 1852) is in the Toronto Sports Hall of Fame, valued at US$2M.

comic stripped

. r e sw

e h t

! R o

o D

BY JOE VESPAZIANI

When I heard the soft tap-tap-tap on my bedroom door, I knew it wasn’t good. I’ve learned never to trust a quiet knock. Keyboard (my piano-playing roommate) wouldn’t be speciﬁc about what he wanted when I called through the safety of my locked door. It had been a tough day and I wasn’t sure I wanted to see him right then. He was a cool roommate and all ... it was the rest of the “posse” I could live without. We remained silent for what seemed like several minutes. Finally, I felt my hand grasp the knob, and I opened the door ... 26

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comic stripped

his was back when I was going through my divorce. The divorce was going slowly ... I was in no hurry for a court battle. At the time, I wanted as little hostile contact with my ex as possible. A friend of mine was moving and offered to rent me his house. Being homeless and in the middle of a divorce, I took the offer as a sign. I figured I’d invite another of my friends, Keyboard, and his teen bride (the Clown), and their current roommate (the Christian) to move in. We could all live in love and harmony. Well, at least the rent would be cheap. * NOTE TO READERS: Never ask an existing pack of roommates to move in with you. They have an established pecking order and they just assume you won’t mind cleaning their piss off the seat. The Clown was not a very good listener. She enjoyed a very “sty-like” lifestyle. Keyboard’s obsessive compulsive disorder made them an interesting match. He was meticulous ... she was eighteen. His printing is so neat the FBI taps the phone. Keyboard likes a clean place ... no evidence. Clown enjoyed it when daddy was gone for a few days. I’d be left with the Alpha male’s teen bride running the cave ... grazing ... a finger food extravaganza. She often teamed up with Keyboard’s niece who didn’t live with us, but was always around. (If you take phone messages and shit in the house every day, you should pay rent.) She enjoyed a good grazing too. Sometimes Clown and Niece would eat their way into my cupboard. I would awaken to find paw prints and deflated balloon animals in my jar of extra crunchy. I internalized my anger. I’ve never wanted to be seen as a bad guy. I just eat shit and smile. Wait. In all fairness to me, I’d gladly share my possessions with roommates ... if they asked first. In all fairness to the Clown and Niece, teenagers usually don’t ask for anything. What do teen’s do when daddy’s gone away? They get into trouble. That’s what teens do. I should have asked Keyboard to include “Don’t touch Joe’s food” to the list of things not to do in his absence. This was routine, although this time they had parted on happy terms. The night before involved a trip to Costco for KY and rubber gloves. Let the festivities begin. But hey, I’m not judging. Keyboard was gone for the day and he took the Christian with him. Not that the Christian was any help. He loved to stir the pot ... get the controversy in the house going.

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I loved the Christian. You have to. It says so in that book he was always reading. It was hard to love him at times, though ... when the pot smoke would come wafting up through the basement ceiling into my little ‘L’-shaped room. I’d lie there getting a contact high while my bipolar girlfriend in recovery would lecture me on the dangers of drugs. She was very spiritual and, apparently, that gave her the right to chew my ass out whenever she had the urge to drink. On this particular evening Recovery Girl was coming over and she hinted that she would do just about anything for a box of Mystic Mints ... some freaky cookie. Apparently all the girls in recovery liked them. I bought a box, hoping to surprise her and cash in my good listener points. When Recovery Girl arrived, we immediately went out to dinner and a movie. I needed to avoid the house altogether. We returned around 11pm. Clown and Niece were passed out on the sofa. These girls love to sit around in their underwear, touch themselves, and talk smack. The TV was pleading for someone to pick up the phone and call one of several lonely mall-models. I turned up the TV, went to my room and locked my door. The birds woke me up. They would sing outside my window on a planter box that held my porn magazines. I find leaving porn out in the open is a hit-and-miss tactic with the ladies. I snuck out to the kitchen to grab some milk and cookies. (Shut up! ... Don’t judge!) The kitchen looked like a pack of raccoons had an orgy with Caligula. I opened the fridge and extracted my now very light box of Mystic Mints. I shook the box like a retarded adult on Christmas. One cookie. I waited for Keyboard to wake up. Daddy needed to discipline his girls. Recovery Girl was horrified that anyone would take food without asking. She sympathized while eating the lone cookie. “Sharing is for meetings,” she said with a grin. Later on I confronted Keyboard, Clown and Niece in the kitchen. Clown was doing her best to clean up under the watchful eye of Keyboard (the OCD). “I don’t care who ate them,” I said. “I just want them replaced by the time I get back.” Clown snapped something about not using the TV unless I asked first. I could tell Niece wanted to speak, but she didn’t pay rent, so fuck her. Keyboard said he’d handle it. I left the house to agitated echo’s of “how dare he” and “what an asshole.” When I returned, I found a new box of Mys-

tic Mints in the fridge. Clown and Niece were slumped together on the coach. Apparently Keyboard had grounded them before he went out. I thanked them for the cookies. Clown felt compelled to explain. I listened, politely though indifferently, to an unbelievable tale that involved she and Niece eating my original box of Mystic Mints with the plan of replacing them. The replacement box was to be eaten to the point of the original. But as they were scarfing down the second box of Mystic Mints, they lost count and wound up eating all except one. I was amazed that they had done this without smoking pot. I nodded, accepting their explanation, and turned to place the cookies back in the fridge. Just then, I noticed a tear in the wrapping. A tiny slit. As I pried it open there was one cookie missing from the box. I smiled. Keyboard’s a funny fucker when he wants to be. I napped most of that afternoon until Keyboard’s soft tap-tap-tap on the door woke me out of a strange dream about midgets with sleep apnea. I wanted him to think his cookie joke was unfunny ... hence the pause. I opened the door to find Keyboard in a set of Clown’s bra and panties. They were shear, exposing his ‘not fat, yet not in good shape either’ 6’2”, 240lbs frame. And he wasn’t alone. Keyboard had thrown the Christian up against the wall. The Christian was in his tighty-whities, pressed to the wall, while Keyboard was pelvic thrusting him from behind. “We were wondering if we could have some cookies?” he asked. I began laughing so hard I doubled over and fell to the floor. “Keyboard stole one!” the Christian said, with his face firmly mashed against the wall. My eyes teared up. “We’re gonna watch the game if you want to come out and join us.” Keyboard said. I kicked the door shut with my foot and made a mental note of the number of months left on the lease.

sex

BY SAMANTHA BLAKE

Getting Our Wires Crossed We’re in luck, guys! It looks as though there’s a reason as to why we don’t listen.

o here’s the scenario: You and your wife or girlfriend arrive home after you’ve both had a grueling day at work. You’re both tired and stressed out. She wants to talk to you about some confrontation she had with her boss earlier that day, but all you want to do is veg out on the couch and channel surf for a little while. So she persists until you finally have to acknowledge the issue, looking up and telling her exactly how she should have handled things with her boss. Of course, that’s not what she wanted to hear. So now the whole thing blows up into one big stupid argument, ending with her storming off to the bedroom to cry while you’re left there wondering why you had to deal with all this drama in the first place, when all you wanted to do was just relax for a while. Does any of this sound at all familiar? It probably does. And most of us women tend to think that you guys are simply just being stubborn and insensitive ... probably having something to do with the way you were raised. Well, I’m here to confess, it turns out that’s just not so.

According to research done by family therapist Michael Gurian, the male and female brains are simply wired differently. The surge of hormones that flood the human brain while in a fetal stage ... testosterone for boys, estrogen for girls (although we all have some of both) ... result in some very distinct differences when it comes to brain development, neural connections and subsequent behavioral patterns. Using some of the most modern forms of brain scanning techniques, such as magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) and positron emission tomography (PET), neuroscientists have been able to demonstrate these differences. These scans are able to show how and where the brain functions during certain activities. For example, the brain of a typical man devotes much more actual “brain area” for the purpose of spatial skills ... things like mechanical design or the manipulation of physical objects. The typical female brain has many more nerve connections, allowing it to take in more. But it also makes it more susceptible to cross-signals, resulting in a tendency to “feel” more than the average male brain. Another major difference found in the brains of the sexes is not structural, but chemical. The male brain typically produces less of two very powerful chemicals ... serotonin and oxytocin. Serotonin is the magic ingredient in our systems that helps calm us down, where oxytocin has been linked directly to our human desire to bond. So let’s try to paint you a picture of the male and female brains at work. PET scans in test subjects have basically provided a colour chart of activity. When shown an image of a person looking sad, researchers noticed that less of the male brain lights up as they try to process the emotion involved ... as compared to the otherwise luminescent brain of

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the female. On the other hand, when the same test subjects were given a simple math or science problem to solve, scans showed that the female brain had to devote a lot more space to get the answer, displaying that the male brain is far more efficient when it comes to lateralizing and compartmentalizing ... making men more task-focused. So how is all of this relevant to a simple spat after work? Why are women constantly perplexed by a man’s perceived inability to communicate? Well guys, it’s all in your head. Men simply don’t absorb as much of a conversation as we women do. Because the male brain has more cortical areas devoted to spatial skills and fewer verbal centers, men simply don’t get as much out of a conversation as women, and will tend to want to end the chatter more quickly. The main issue that we tend to see in our day to day lives is based in the differences between how the male and female brain rejuvenate themselves. When a guy comes home and sprawls out on the couch, he’s not deliberately trying to ignore his wife or girlfriend. (Right guys?) Through nature’s own design, the male brain goes into a rest state in order to rejuvenate itself ... much more so than a female brain. So in order to rebuild brain cells and restore himself, a guy simply needs to ‘zone out’. That’s why you’ll channel surf or stare blankly at a computer screen. (Well, that and porn.) Meanwhile, our female brain, thanks to all of that oxytocin swimming around, wants to bond and communicate in order to rejuvenate itself. And that’s why we’re looking to our man for some attention and comfort. So when it comes down to it, the solution to this age-old dilemma is a matter of timing really. Women have a natural desire to chit-chat after their working day, where men have a need to flop out for a while. Perhaps suggest to your wife or girlfriend that she maybe first vent to someone else immediately after work, like a friend or family member (preferably female as well) ... even just on the phone. (Of course, you’ll want to suggest this before your next squabble. Say this to her while you’re already scrapping, and you may as well make up the couch right then and there.) But having this outlet will help to satisfy her natural need for communication and bonding ... not to mention, free you up to satisfy your natural need to simply do nothing. Then, once you’ve had a little down time and can muster enough grey matter to listen again (say perhaps during dinner) she can then confide in you, and you can give her that communicative man she was hoping you could be.

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photographed by David Ford

Victoria Harris

Meet the ultimate girl next door . . .

� Spilling

Victoria’s Secrets There’s just something so right about the combination of qualities Victoria Harris has that it makes it all seem so universally wrong. Insanely hot and sophisticated women usually come fully equipped with an attitude icy enough to cause snow in the Serengeti. Whereas, down-home, wholesome girls often tend to resemble the livestock they look after. This gorgeous ﬁtness model brings us the best of both worlds. And for that we give eternal thanks.

If you could get paid to do something you enjoyed, what would it be? I would love to get paid to travel and explore the world. I think traveling is a priceless experience, where you learn about other cultures and environments while learning about yourself. You discover what you want to strive to be. Any favourite travel experiences? I was very fortunate to have the opportunity to study in Seville, Spain. While I was there I explored a lot of Europe. The most exotic trip I took was to Morocco. We had really great guides and we were even able to ride camels for a couple of hours into the Sahara desert and stay overnight. Definitely a once in a lifetime experience. Do you consider yourself to be a fairly ‘worldly’ person? Actually, I’m a pretty private person at times, with a very closeknit circle of family and friends. I grew up in the country and at times I can be very ‘small town’ still. So not everything in life is Gucci and Prada? I’ve never even shopped at Holt Renfrew ... and I don’t think

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I could. I’d be so intimidated. I have no idea what all the high fashion brands are. That’s what I have girlfriends for. What are some of the ‘guy’ qualities you look for? I enjoy guys who are athletic, goal oriented, courageous and a little daredevilish around the edges. I like guys who are down to earth and have a good sense of humour once you get to know them. There’s nothing better than someone letting you see a side of them that others don’t get to see. OK, so let’s say you meet a guy who possesses all of these qualities ... (ahem, say like a really cool interviewer for VM) ... How long do you think is appropriate to go from meeting him to sleeping with him? I don’t think you should make a strict time line. You should just go with it and do what feels right. Women have a lot of control over certain aspects of relationships and dating. We should enjoy the temptation and not ever restrict ourselves completely. Does Victoria have a little streak of ‘bad girl’ in her? I don’t think I’m a bad girl at all. However, I know what I want and what I like ... and I always enjoy a good time.

“I don’t think I ’m a bad girl at all.”

“We should enjoy temptation and not ever restrict ourselves completely.”

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Have you ever broken the law? ... Be honest. Hahaha ... Haven’t we all? Growing up, in the summertime, we used to sneak into an outdoor public pool for late night swims. We never got busted, but there were a few close calls getting over the barbed wire fence in time when the cops showed up. Got any tattoos that have somehow eluded our gaze? I have a small butterfly that my Dad let me get when I was pretty young. It was cool because he wanted to have some input so I wouldn’t get anything I’d wind up regretting. It’s still my favourite. Do you expect guys to open doors and pull out chairs, or is that all a bit too old school nowadays? I don’t really expect any specific chivalry. I just like it when a guy has table manners ... and says ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. The rest are just once in a while perks, but not expected on a day-to-day basis. Any favourite sports teams? The Flames, definitely. I’m a Calgarian. Have you got a favourite Flame? Craig Conroy became my favourite hockey player after the Flames’ playoff run a few years back. He was such an integral part to the team’s success, without every taking over the spotlight. I think that’s hard to do ... and really admirable.

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“We used to sneak into an outdoor public pool for late night swims. We never got busted, but there were a few close calls.”

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sports

Strength&Honour BY BILL ROBINSON

Former UFC Heavyweight Champion, Frank Mir, is a very wise and enlightened man who just happens to be able to kick seven different kinds of shit out of you.

will never be entirely sure whether my editor chose me to interview former UFC Champion Frank Mir because he didn’t know how oblivious I was about UFC or because he did know, and thought it might be interesting. Either way, I’m the man who gets to meet the man, and it isn’t until I arrive at the new Naturally Fit store in southeast Calgary that I realize just how big of a deal this might be. Mir hasn’t even arrived yet and already his fans are lined up out the door and into the parking lot. As I wait for Mir, I have the chance to listen in on what people are saying about the former champ. They speak of him with such reverence, that I have to wonder who it is that’s handing out the special Frank Mir ‘Kool Aid’ at this cult meeting. Bob Ley, an anchor with ESPN, once said, “With wisdom comes clarity. And with clarity comes a falling away of the scales from your eyes. Fandom is one of the casualties of working where we work.” He was talking about the fact that the more ‘behind the scenes’ he was in the world of sports, the less of a fan he became. Although that might be true in many cases, in the case of Frank Mir I must respectfully disagree. The more time you spend with this former champ who overcame injury and an addiction to pain killers, the bigger fan you become. FRANK MIR IS MORE THAN JUST AN IMAGE. Many of us have the tendency to make assumptions about people using limited knowledge. It’s one of the frailties of human existence; we see ‘A’ about a person, and then decide that ‘B’, ‘C’ and ‘D’ must also be true about them. My first moment of enlightenment comes when I discover that Mir is more than just a tough guy. “To a certain extent, I am defined by what I do with the UFC. It is how I test myself.” Mir says seriously, by way of explaining how the UFC frames how others see him. “Some guys will lift weights. Other guys will run up the side of a mountain. UFC is my way of testing myself. I think that if you don’t have hardcore, harsh testing of yourself on a constant basis, you are not truly trying to find out who you are.” It turns out this isn’t just some tough guy doctrine. Mir seems to be constantly scratching away his self-imposed illusions, searching for inner truth. “Our society is not hard. It’s very easy. No one is kicking down my door in the middle of the night. I don’t have an AK-47 beside my bed. No one is putting black hoods over my head and dragging me

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out. For me to keep my warrior spirit strong I fight in the UFC. I use it to find out what I am lacking.” So if Mir doesn’t think that the UFC is a battle against an opponent, then it must be a battle against himself. “Absolutely,” the big man says, leaning forward to take up even more space our small interview room. “The other guy could just be having a bad day. I remember when I beat Tim Silva for the Heavyweight title. Things came too easily to me. I went in there and broke the guy’s arm in 46 seconds. You could see after the fight that I wasn’t truly happy with myself. I didn’t know why at the time, but it was because I didn’t conquer myself. Sure, I went out and beat the guy. I can do that any day of the week. 99.9% of the world can’t beat me in a fight if they woke me up from a dead sleep. You must beat yourself. I sit in the locker room and I’m so terrified that I think I’m going to puke. The adrenaline is flowing through my body. Then I have to walk out through the crowd and put a smirk on my face like I’m not bugging out of my mind. That’s the demon that I have to conquer all the time.” THE MOST CONVINCING LIES ARE THE ONES WE TELL OURSELVES. In everything I read while preparing for this interview, there is one continuous theme. No matter what the question, Mir is brutally honest. I’m curious as to what it is that makes him cut through the clichés of stereotypical sports interviews to be so candid. “There are some people that are going to love me no matter what I do, and there are some people that are going to hate me no matter what I do. In the beginning, that kind of bothered me. No human being enjoys being hated. We all want people to like us. But at the same time, I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that if someone is going to hate me, at the end of the day, I’d rather that they hated me for who I am. This is me, and there is nothing in the world that says that I have to change to make myself happy with who I am. You don’t like me? Then don’t turn on the TV and don’t listen to my interview.” So I have to wonder if that is his definition of thick-skinned. Does his honesty offer him any insulation from the constant scrutiny? “I don’t know if it’s thick-skinned because I still listen to criticism. I just have to remember to check the source.” SOMEONE MUST HAVE LEFT THE CLONING MACHINE ON AT FIREHALL

PHOTOGRAPH BY MARK G. BILODEAU

sports like the fact that I make up the plan as I go sometimes, that I have to rely upon myself to be driven.” He tells me that the high point in his career was after he beat Nogueira ... not an insignificant accomplishment. I ask him whether this was the point that he realized that he had made it back after his motorcycle accident in 2004. “Definitely. It was a full circle for me and my family. Coming back after the accident.” That accident nearly destroyed Mir’s career, and by the way he talks about things, the fallout from it also took a heavy toll on him and his family. “When I first came back, after the three fights in a row, it just looked like I wouldn’t be able to make it back. I was dealing with an issue that I now really like to preach about. I tell people, just because your doctor prescribes something for you, that doesn’t mean it is necessarily healthy. I had a bad painkiller addiction because I thought that painkillers were okay. I was naïve enough to believe that it was fine because a doctor was giving it to me. I remember at first I had this machismo attitude. I told the doctors I wasn’t going to take any pain pills. Just deal with the pain, but they told me no. They said I wouldn’t heal properly. They made me feel stupid for not wanting to take them. Of course, you start taking two pain pills every couple of hours. Then it’s four. All of a sudden, you start saying that your prescription isn’t enough and you are trying to find people to buy pain pills from. That was such a huge obstacle. So, I just snapped and quit cold turkey.” In a society where we so very frequently give in to every one of our temptations, I am amazed by his explanation of how he overcame his pain pill addiction. It just seems too simple. He simply made the decision to quit and then he did. “Some people, they go to drug rehab and maybe that helps them. I’ve never been. But you just see so many people relapse. The one thing I can say is that if you don’t find it within to go ahead and tell yourself no, if you can’t decide to refuse to be that person anymore, then you’re not going to find it from an outside source.” 30. The interview is briefly interrupted as Garret and Garret, two eerily similar looking firefighters, are ushered into the room to quickly have a picture taken with Mir. Both guys look completely nervous, but Mir quickly puts them at ease. One Garret, and who can tell which one, comments that Mir looks huge. Mir laughs, but also acknowledges that he’s been working hard to build muscle ... 20 pounds thus far. The other Garret asks if Mir is looking forward to the best out of three (referring of course to the much anticipated rematch with Brock Lesner) and Mir replies that he hopes Lesner loses his next fight so that Mir can fight him that much sooner. Although everything in life is a mixture of business and pleasure, this particular bout seems to have taken on a very personal note.

So when did he know that he’d hit the bottom? “There was just a series of bad moments. Then falling asleep at my kid’s birthday party because I was tapped out. You don’t sleep well when you’re on painkillers. I was so exhausted. As soon as he was done blowing out the candles, everyone was over and I fell asleep as my kid was opening presents like some loser. That is probably one of the moments that I’m most embarrassed about.” Mir doesn’t seem the type to dwell on the past. Rather, he seems like someone who would use those moments as motivation. “That’s the lesson,” he tells me earnestly. “Sometimes people steal moments from you and sometimes you steal them from yourself, but what you have to learn is that you can’t get that last moment back. There is no do over. You pay the consequences for your actions. Everything has a way of catching up with you. It might not be now, it might not be 20 years from now, but I guarantee there will be a day when you’ll answer for all your sins.”

WITHOUT THE LOWS, YOU’LL NEVER RECOGNIZE THE HIGHS. Mir’s phone rings. It is his family calling from Vegas. His little girl, Bella, has called to tell her daddy that she played soccer and scored 10 goals. The transformation from philosophical fighter to loving father is instantaneous. There is a sense of joy on Mir’s face. This man, who can be so dangerous, is a great deal more than his image. He’s a man who is not afraid to tell his family just how much he loves them in front of me. Then again, it’s not like I was going to tease him about it.

FRANK MIR IS A BIG FAN OF MOVIE ANALOGIES. I read a story about how people treated George Foreman on his way to fight Ali and how they treated him on the day after he lost. Before the fight, people were afraid to look him in the eye, but after the fight, they just offered him pity. Foreman talked about the fact that it felt like a long way to fall.

After he hangs up, it seems like a pretty good time to ask about what his family thinks about his career path. “My family is incredibly proud of me, not because I fight for a living, but because I do what I love. I think that a lot of people in life work jobs that they hate. Even if I was doing something else, I wouldn’t want a job where there was a set routine. I

When I ask Mir if people perceive him differently when he isn’t the champ, he shakes his head. “Not really. I think we’re pretty much perceived as who we are as people. I think that’s one of the great things about UFC. Everyone is pretty dangerous. It isn’t like boxing, where you can have guys that are 30 - 0, but 20 of the guy’s opponents you’ve

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PHOTOGRAPH BY MARK G. BILODEAU

sports never even heard of. They had to drag them out of a bar. That’s why I don’t think there was much of a backlash after my last fight because they saw that I went out there and gave everything I had. I just lost to a guy that night. A stronger guy. It’s how you fight. Humans can’t win every situation but that doesn’t mean anything. In The Last Samurai, those guys go out there and charge into the guns. Why is everyone in the theatre so moved? It’s because of the way they battled. The way they approached things. Results are not always within your control. I could go out there and fight the best fight of my life and lose. I could go out there and give the worst performance of my life, but because you stumble and have a bad day, I win. That doesn’t judge me. How I go out there; that is what I control. When you watch the movie Troy, Achilles is unbeatable, but Hector was the greatest character in the whole movie. Pitt’s character was cocky and confident because he knew he could win the fight; so he showed up. No big deal. Bana’s character admits to his wife that he knows that he can’t win yet he still shows up. How many people show up to their death? How many guys show up to a battle they can’t win rather than sneaking out the back door? Most guys coward out. Almost every fighter I’ve seen in the locker room is looking for that little advantage. How do I beat this guy? They want to know how they can control things. They can’t. It’s chaos. There is no control over anything. The only thing you control is yourself. It gives people a very uneasy feeling when they have no control. In Batman, I’m a Joker fan. The Joker was right. He was a little chaotic and psychotic, but he was right that the world is chaos so you should stop trying to control it. Batman was a coward. He was scared of everything so he tried to control it. Trying to control fate. It’s admirable but it’s not realistic.” IF YOU COULD PUT ABSOLUTELY ANYBODY IN THE OCTAGON WITH YOU, WHO WOULD IT BE? This question brings both a smirk and hesitation. For the first time in the interview, Mir actually seems to be censoring himself. “Let’s see. I guess lately it would have to be Dick Cheney.” “As long as he wasn’t carrying a shotgun and one of his friends wasn’t standing directly behind you,” I say, hoping not to minimize Mir’s point. Mir laughs. “Yeah. Right.” He thinks for another moment and his face grows serious. “There are just too many people that I think would deserve a beating. I just see these people that are awful human beings. They take advantage of weaker people. We have a lot of that in society and I would love to put a stop to some of it.” This makes me think of another question. Most people, like myself, control their rage not through intelligent thought, but rather with the knowledge that there is someone in the vicinity that is probably much tougher who will punish them for them for their actions. How does one of the toughest men in the world resist the urge to just knock some of

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these people out? “What is that going to prove?” Mir answers rhetorically. “If I can’t convince you through talking and using my words, reason without resorting to violence, then I must not be as smart as I think I am. Maybe the reason that I’m talking to that person is not as sound as I thought. If I have to physically show you that my way is the right way, then I have to consider the fact that I might not be right.” WHAT DOES A REAL MAN LIKE FRANK MIR CONSIDER AS A DEFINITION FOR BEING A REAL MAN? I like to ask this question of just about anyone, but I have especially high hopes for the type of answer that I will get from Mir. The man does not disappoint. “The person who chooses to do what is right regardless of anything else. You do the right thing every time. You’re walking down the street and see a car door open. You close it so the guy’s battery doesn’t run down. No one ever sees you do it. No one is ever going to give you a compliment for it. That is being a man.” WHAT COMES NEXT? What comes next for Frank Mir? What is the next step for this man, who after winning the UFC Heavyweight Championship, sat in his hotel room and spent time with his family; this man who has overcome a serious motorcycle accident, a pain pill addiction, and the persistent questions about whether he could return to the sport that he enjoys so much. Really, what comes next? “Open up a compound. Start my own religion.” Mir says with a smirk. By the looks of the growing number of fans outside, I’d say that he could probably do it if he wanted. “Stay involved with martial arts, but at that point, I’ll take a back seat to my children. You know, when they get a little older and it’s their turn to be in the spotlight and live their lives, regardless if they want to be the best pianist in the world, doctor, lawyer, or they’re just content working at the neighbourhood gas station, as long as they do what they love to do, I’m there to support them.” IN EVERY MOMENT THERE IS A LESSON. THE QUESTION WE MUST ASK OURSELVES IS, ARE WE WISE ENOUGH TO SEE IT? As we both stand to leave, it occurs to me that Mir’s presence in the room had very little to do with his size. Frank Mir is not only intelligent, but he is also a man who knows how to use that intelligence to affect the world around him. Before the interview, I doubt my mind would have conceived the idea that I was about to meet an ideal role model for what a man should be in our world, but that’s exactly what has just happened. As Mir and I say goodbye, I realize that sometime over the last hour or so, I drank some of the Frank Mir ‘Kool Aid’. And you know what? It tastes pretty damn good.

PHOTOGRAPH BY MIKE BRADLEY

sports

BENCH BOSSES BY JD BERMUDEZ

Pat Quinn photos by Andy Devlin / Edmonton Oilers Hockey Club Brent Sutter photos by Mark G. Bilodeau

Pat Quinn and Brent Sutter. You won’t ﬁnd bigger names in coaching. These guys are titans. They also happen to be the new faces of Alberta hockey. One’s the former head coach of Team Canada, who helped bring home Olympic gold in 2002 and led Canada to perfect victories at the World Cup in 2004 and the 2009 World Junior Championship. He’s received the Jack Adams Award twice and won the Memorial Cup as both a player and an owner. Known for turning around ailing franchises, he’s now head coach for the Edmonton Oilers. The other is a member of one of hockey’s best-known families, and the first coach to lead Canada to consecutive gold medals in the 2005 and 2006 World Junior Hockey Championships, with unbeaten records both times. In 2007, he coached Canada at that year’s Super Series to a devastating seven wins and single tie over Russia, for a 20-game unbeaten international hockey record. With multiple 50-win seasons under his belt, he’s now behind the bench of the Calgary Flames.

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oth men come to their organizations from strong careers in the minors and successful posts in the NHL. Quinn, from the Toronto Maple Leafs and Sutter, the New Jersey Devils. Quinn’s leaving the Leafs was a bit of a surprise for all involved, as he was fired when the Leafs failed to make the playoffs in 2006, even though he was at the time the coach with the best win record in the NHL and had kept the Leafs in contention every year except his last. He chooses not to talk about leaving the Leafs, and prefers to discuss his new position. Offered other posts, Quinn didn’t like anything on offer until Edmonton came knocking. “Right after I left Toronto, there was an opportunity to go with a team, and we couldn’t get that worked out, it wasn’t the right deal. I had other opportunities to work in the business, in a number of areas but not as a coach, and I wanted to get back to coaching. Retired life doesn’t sit well for me right now.” Sutter, meanwhile, arrives with some controversy on his heels. It was only two weeks after leaving the New Jersey Devils, citing family reasons, that he announced his decision to take over for Mike Keenan as the Flames’ head coach. Criticized by Devils owner Jeff Vanderbeek for the move, Sutter nonetheless says that he parted on good terms with his old squad and its GM, Lou Lamoriello. “The situation just wasn’t working for myself being there, coaching there. We tried it, there was an understanding between Mr. Lamoriello and myself that I would take it year by year and see how everything unfolded, and there was a very clear understanding with the Devils before I ever signed a contract. Things weren’t where they needed to be, and I made my decision. It was nobody’s fault. I have a lot of respect for Mr. Lamoriello, but it wasn’t a good fit for myself or the team, and I recognized it and we had discussions about it and that’s why things have transpired the way that they’ve transpired.” As for the teams themselves, both coaches have their work cut out for them. Cinderella runs for the Cup after long dry spells, only to be baffled in nail-biting, series-ending games. Both teams have experienced trouble getting within sniffing distance of the Cup since their respective runs, with the Flames getting bumped in the first round of the post-season every year since the lockout and the Oilers failing to place since their loss to the Hurricanes in the 2006 Stanley Cup finals. Now both teams are looking to change their fortunes and use the talent that the organizations have assembled in order to become serious contenders again. The men they’ve turned to, Quinn and Sutter, have different personalities and approaches to the game which should make the future of both franchises interesting. “You don’t think about the past,” Quinn says. He has a history of drastically improving the fortunes of lack-lustre teams, as he did with the Vancouver Canucks on their own Cinderella run in ‘92 and with the long-ailing Leafs in Toronto, and is now charged with making the once-powerhouse Oilers franchise into a serious contender for Lord Stanley’s mug. He’s well aware of the team’s recent troubles. “What’s been going on here, with the exception of three years ago [when the Oilers won the Western Conference Championship and forced the Carolina Hurricanes to a seven-game series before being defeated] has been sort of mediocre. They haven’t met expectations, they thought they should have done better and they haven’t.” He dismisses any effect that history could have on the future of the team, however. “The team’s history is exactly what it is - history. My approach is not going to be about our history, it’s going to be about who we have here now and how we can make some steps to become a better group both individually and collectively.”

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sports Sutter agrees. The brother of former Flames head coach and current GM, Darryl Sutter, Brent is better acquainted with his franchise than is Quinn, but he also stresses the importance of renewal. “It’s a fresh start for everybody. No coach is the same and things will be done differently, and the guys have been very receptive so far and have adjusted very well, even though it’s still a work in progress here.” That renewal might even be made easier by his long relationship with the team’s roster. A former WHL coach in Alberta, Sutter knows his teams’ strengths and weaknesses intimately. “You know, the first thing is to get to know the players. Obviously I knew a lot the players very well, I’ve seen the team play a lot over the years and there are a lot of kids I coached or coached against here. I’ve seen them play a lot, got to know them more over the summer and get their feelings on what needs to be done. You want to be at the top of the league, not the bottom level.”

hurdles and the strategies for overcoming them. “We think we’ve got enough talent that we can give them a system of play that’s oriented around quickness, possession of the puck, but with a lot more emphasis on how well we do on getting the puck back and keeping it out of our net. But I suppose that any team that hasn’t been in the playoffs for a while, that’s what costs them the opportunity to be in the playoffs, and we know that that’s what we need to fix up or we’re going to not be a playoff team again. So we’re going to have an approach to give them a system of play that will provide movement. We’re going to give them a more aggressive fore-check system so that we can use our quickness to get to the puck. We’re going to ask more of our forwards, and get

“What that means [for Calgary] is being able to play on both sides of the puck and do it well. We want to become a better defensive hockey team, but being a good defensive team means still having enough offence to be successful. We want to become a better team on our goals against, no question about it. But, any weaknesses that there are, we want to try and work on those, and that’s what we’ve been working on here. There are a lot of good players here. It’s a real deep team, but getting them to think and take it and work like a team, that’s how we want to play. One standard in terms of how we need to play – accountability, not only from the coaches to the players, but with the players to one another.” Quinn, meanwhile, identifies a different set of challenges facing him and the Oilers. “We’re not big. We’re lacking in the physicality. That means we have to play smarter, in terms of positioning; we have to play faster. We’ve got good youth, and they can learn to be even better. Skating, puck-handling, I hear we’re near the top of the line-up. Obviously, I don’t profess to know a lot of these athletes all that well yet, but I’ve watched a lot of the tapes, I’ve listened to my staff, and I’m confident. As for style of play, everybody talks about stretching and taking the red line out, and we were trying to do some of those things when I was a coach a long time ago, and some of the teams that seem to get into the playoffs most or all of the time, they seem to be the teams that play that kind of game. That’s what we’re going to do here. We’re not going to sit back and play the trap; we don’t have that skill-set. We have a different skill-set that allow us to pursue the puck, keep it when we have it and use our speed to play a more exciting game.” Asked how he intends to achieve this, he identifies some more

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them to participate on the defensive side and use our speed that way too, which I don’t think we’ve done to our ability in the past.” The recent Stanley Cup runs in both cities have revitalized hockey in Alberta. Great athletes played a role, but with the lacklustre performance of both teams, concerns that it was more luck than anything have plagued the organizations. When asked about their teams’ recent fortunes, both coaches claimed to believe that they have teams that can go to the Cup again. However, they both warned, so does everybody else. “You’ve got to have some luck. The game today has become pretty interesting in the sense that equality and balance has really come into the business, where almost all 30 teams have a chance to do well, a lot depends on injuries and travel schedules,” says Quinn. “Three years ago, the Oilers squeaked into the playoffs on the last day, and some wonderful things happened. But that was also the year that I was fired

from Toronto, when the Leafs lost a playoff spot, almost on the last day, by one point. It’s all very close now. A point either way, and you can be a hero in one place or a bum in the other.” Sutter also cites a level playing field. “Any team that has success has to have some luck, and they have to have some breaks come their way. They have to stay relatively healthy, they have to stay competitive. It’s a very competitive league and there’s a fine line between winning and losing. There’s tre-

mendous parity between teams, and it’s the best league in the world as far as hockey is concerned, and everyone has elite athletes that want to play to win. So to get as far as the Stanley Cup finals, you have to have some things go your way, but you have to work for that, too. It’s a fine line, and you want to try and stay on top of that line.” And a level field isn’t the only change to the League these days, and some of the changes affect the way hockey is played directly. Both coaches have also seen a host of new rules instated since their days on the ice, rules designed to curb violence and speed up play. It’s a very different game from what they played, and the two veterans had opinions to give on the new rules of play.

systems of play that slow the game down when everybody was trying to speed the game up, but all the interference infractions, I’m glad they’re trying to curtail those. That said, I still like contact in the game. I still like the battle around the net and in the corners, and I don’t always think they make those calls correctly. We don’t want to take the physical part of the game away. I think that’s what puts people in the seats. Good scoring and good body contact and good physical play are what excites the fans. We have a responsibility to entertain the fans, and I guess that you can do alright not entertaining the fans as long as you win, but I think that there is that responsibility to keep them entertained.” Sutter, now coaching a large and typically physically aggressive team says, “Well, you know, the rules change. It’s a different game than it was 10, 15, 25 years ago in a lot of different ways. It had to happen, and it has happened, so now it’s about how you adjust. It’s a quicker game now than it was, but the physical presence for me needs to stay in the game; it’s part of the game. You have players on a 200’ by 85’ sheet of ice who are very competitive, and while I think it’s very important for measures to be taken, that doesn’t mean that the game has to lose the physical aspect. The rules are what they are. You can take a poll and I don’t think everyone agrees with every single rule, but those are the rules and you have to adapt.” And adapting is what both teams will be doing now. With two heavyweight coaches behind the benches of two very different teams, hockey in Alberta will be very interesting for the foreseeable future. A fast, tactical style of play from the quick, young Oilers and a more structured game plan for the physically dominating, more seasoned Flames. The things these coaches have in common are their great skill, a love for the game, and a desire to keep the Battle of Alberta physical and entertaining - which is good for fans, no matter what city they’re in.

Quinn, who famously levelled Bobby Orr with a board-side elbow that fans of old-time Don Cherry re-runs will remember clearly, speaks first. “I like some of the rules, I don’t like others. I think that we have found some

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test drive 2009 Volkswagen Tiguan

Cool

Don’t Lose Your

driven and reviewed by CHRISTOPHER BLOOMFIELD

Here’s a new twist on things. Let’s find out if a baby seat can fit in the back, shall we?

o here you are, standing in front of your girlfriend wondering why she has this weird look on her face. It looks like she’s trying to read what your reaction would be to a question that she didn’t actually ask. She’s all cute looking and you’re hoping that the question that she’s about to ask includes one or more of her slutty friends, a few bottles of wine, and one naked you. Wouldn’t that be sweet? So you wait patiently for her to drop the question, hoping that when you say yes you don’t sound too much like a dirty pervert. She’s ready to say whatever it is she wants to say, you try to hold in your excitement, she opens her cute little mouth and says.... “I’m pregnant!”

baby’s junk because you no longer have nice things. They are as close as you can get to a minivan without having your testes completely retract up into your body with the thought of actually having to drive one.

You know that sound that they play on The Price is Right when the player loses? You do now, brother.

Now, I’ve said on many occasions that I like VW’s. In fact, I’ve owned two of them. And other than the obligatory water pump replacement, they were great little cars so I was looking forward to taking out another VW for a drive. The Tiguan is new for 2009; this is the first mid-size SUV that VW has released and although they are only 11 years late to the dance, they brought an immediate contender with them.

Ok, so now what? Well, one of the things that cheers me up is to go out and buy some new toys so I assume that’s what every man does, so off you go to the car dealership. After all, you can’t drive a baby around in your rusty old clunker, and your girlfriend doesn’t even know what an oil change is, so her car is out of the equation too. Don’t fret, little man, you don’t have to buy a minivan. Enter the mid-size SUV. They are affordable, they have room for all your junk which is now basically all your

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After looking at all that is out there, you decide that you want one that, A) doesn’t look like a shoebox, B) doesn’t have the vast majority of its owners as middle-aged women, and C) won’t make other people question your sexuality when they see you driving one. So, following this very complicated and obviously well-thought out criteria, you find the VW Tiguan and decide to take a look.

The Tiguan is a little smaller than its competition but not enough to really notice. As with most other V-dubs, small is relative because everyone can fit in a Volkswagen. Just crank those seats down baby! Even I

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test drive

fit comfortably behind the seat once all the necessary adjustments were made. The interior has very obvious styling cues from the rest of the VW line up, which isn’t a bad thing but in typical fashion, it leans toward the boring end of the spectrum. The optional navigation screen takes up what seems to be the entire dashboard for whatever reason and the hazard button is gigantic. Why do they do that these days? Do people really use these so much that they have to have the dumb button placed right in the middle? Is it now the passenger’s job to hit that button? Before, a guy could say, “listen fool, don’t touch my radio!” Now, he has to say, “listen fool, don’t touch my radio or that huge ass button right there...it’s for the blinkers...I don’t know why they put it there...you still can’t touch it.” Pain in the ass. The outside of the Tiguan looks typically understated for a VW but still looks like it’s worth more than it is, which is nice. The Tiguan is available in three comfort levels, the Trendline for the el cheapo’s (under 30K), the Comfortline for normal folks (under 40K), and the Highline for the needy people among us. Each comes with the VW/Audi 2.0i turbo, but the Comfortline and Highline come with 4Motion all-wheel drive standard. I’m really a geek for Zenon headlights and I’m also a little needy so took the Highline for my drive. Out and about it handles itself well and the engine pulls just about as well as you would expect it to. They put this engine in just about every one of their cars now so it’s become pretty darn dependable...for a turbo...that most drivers aren’t smart enough to let it cool down after driving like a lunatic. There are rumours that there is a TDI in the works but it won’t be available for a while, so for now you’re stuck bagging on the 2.0i. In general, the drive position is comfortable and the exterior dimensions are small enough to fit in small parking stalls and aid in cutting people off smoothly and efficiently. I hate trying to cut someone off only to find that my car is too big to maneuver properly. I don’t drive like that but it seems that enough people do, so I figured I’d try to relate. Because this auto has all-wheel drive you’d think that you could take it off-roading, but like those huge, lifted trucks you see driving around, this just isn’t for getting dirty. The 4Motion is more of a winter driving conditions thing which is fine for when you spill your coffee while babbling away on your cell phone. OOOPS, I mean for when you hit some black ice. Safety features include ESP, oodles of airbags with more optional airbags, and the rest of the usual suspects. The Tiguan also comes equipped with tire pressure sensors for when you drive over something because you weren’t paying attention. As with the beginning of this article, the car is equipped with lots of places to tie your kid down so

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he/she can’t wander around the cabin like your little dog does. Here’s something to think about when it comes to those little dogs, what do you think an airbag will do to them? I will tell you what happens. It’s one of two things: the dog goes through your chest...or the dog gets spread across your chest. Mmmm...tasty. Ok, so here is the answer to the question that I asked at the beginning of the article which was: can a baby seat fit in the back of this thing? Well, yes and no. Most people strap a base into their car and then just click the child seat into that these days. If you use that system, then unless your passenger is less than 5’2”, it’s going to be a very tight squeeze. If you don’t, the child seat should fit just fine. Don’t feel too bad though, minivans can fit that stuff easily.

music

Redefining Peace BY GREG BEHARRELL photography by Dustin Rabin

The evolution of a rock band can be a tricky thing. How do four individuals who lead four separate lives continue to share the vision and the direction that makes the group grow and succeed? Raine Maida of Our Lady Peace sheds a little light on the topic.

aine Maida is a curious frontman. He’s been the lead singer of Our Lady Peace for 17 years, and in the national spotlight for the majority of that, yet his calm is uncanny. He sits humbly in the studio at Calgary’s X92.9, guitar in hand, hidden under a fedora, and seemingly miles from the rock star image that always latches onto platinum artists. By his own admission, Maida was a borderline diva in the early years of Our Lady Peace. Like all great rock stars who burn fast, he was self-involved to the point where nothing seemed to matter outside of himself.

hour. There’s an energy in doing music that way. It’s kinda cliché, but really you’re capturing the magic of the moment.”

Maida is a different man now. He credits his wife, Canadian songstress Chantal Kreviazuk, for that and it’s given him something to write about. The first single from the new Our Lady Peace album, Burn Burn (a title pulled from Jack Kerouac prose in On the Road, and a nod to the liberation of the band’s creativity, but more on that later) is a driving, pop gem called “All You Did Was Save My Life”, a song written about his wife’s influence.

“I think the most important thing about this record is there were no compromises. On every other Our Lady Peace record [there were] because of circumstances, whether it’s the producer we’re working with has another act he has to go work with, or the studio we have to move out of, or the budget is getting too high, we’re running out of money... we didn’t have any of those forces against us this time. So, every other record there’s two or three songs, because of those forces, were compromised and we’ll probably never play them or talk about them, but on this record that never happened once. Every song is uncompromised. It’s the first record that we’ve made where we can stand behind and say we love every song on this record.”

“Everyone has those periods in their life where, in retrospect, you look back and think, ‘holy shit’. It’s about being at the crossroads, and someone comes along at that point and directs you in the right direction. And looking back, you realize they probably saved your life in a certain way. There’s two very specific moments in my life that really altered my perception of who I was and helped define me. Meeting my wife was definitely one of those.” Case in point, during our chat, Raine Maida gets the attention of a pregnant fan, and asks how far along she is. She answers 7 months, and he genuinely smiles, then mouths the word “congratulations”.

The band made sure to take breaks during recording sessions, but they avoided listening to tracks during time off because they didn’t want to change the songs from their original flare. The breaks were long (the first song, “Signs of Life” was recorded in early 2007), but that time wasn’t an issue because they were creating, arguably, the first true Our Lady Peace album.

That said, Our Lady Peace still harbor hallmarks of their past. The band still feel road testing material before recording a final version is the best way to gauge its worth. “Even when we were first starting out, I remember the first time we played ‘Clumsy’ live - we could hardly play it, but it just got a reaction. These songs (on Burn Burn), the reaction is almost as good as any of our hit songs. The energy that we felt in the studio is making its way into the audience, and that’s why we play music, for that reaction, that connection.”

Redefining is a big part of the new Our Lady Peace. The band changed on Burn Burn. The entire album was done without a record label, without a producer, at Raine Maida’s house (he has a home studio stacked with vintage gear). The band recorded songs fast (seven weeks total to finish the album, spending about five weeks actually recording songs), without even really fully learning them, in order to catch the raw flavour live off the floor. As chief producer, it was Maida’s vision to create by abandoning the norm.

“That was the whole thing with making this record - to capture that energy. I think every band that’s worth their salt goes into the studio to try to re-create what they get live. This is the closest we’ve come.”

“The whole M.O. for the record was to figure out the song during the day, do the arrangements live off the floor, and then at night, cut it in an

Lyrically, Maida focuses a great deal on observing (the word “she” comes up numerous times on Burn Burn), and that’s something held

Raine and OLP made that live element a big part of Burn Burn.

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music

over from his youth. “I was always that guy in high school. That’s what I did: observe. Human nature has always been really fascinating to me. The dynamics of people, and circumstances, and actions that are sometimes awkward. That’s usually the perspective I approach things. That’s the angle.” One standout on Burn Burn is “Paper Moon” (a song that bass player Duncan Couts started playing on his piano at home, though his original riff was much happier). It’s a track that branches into Maida’s poetic storytelling abilities, and one he claims was Our Lady Peace’s attempt to sound like The Band. “It’s one of the few songs where I had this image. You know being at a wedding? It’s just the worst place in the world to be sometimes. All this decadence, and it’s this tradition, but it can be really unnerving. And it’s about leaving that kind of situation, finding the right person, and just getting back to simplicity. The paper moon, that image to me, is very pure. It’s very Neil Young-esque.” That simplicity, that purity, can easily apply to the 2009 version of OLP. Maida feels a big thread on Burn Burn treads in the vein of triumphant. “I think this [Burn Burn] was a big challenge. Our last record was full of too many ‘too’s’. I mean it was too expensive, it took too long, there was too much drama. This record was a big success for us, that we were able to get over all that garbage, comeback, and make what I think is the best Our Lady Peace record yet. There’s a real brotherhood going on in this band right now, it’s just the best version of this band ever. That’s triumph.”

The brotherhood comes from being loose. Maida maintains that the band has no rules when it comes to writing songs. Band members bring loose pieces to sessions, and the band build on that groundwork. Every song on Burn Burn started in a different way, sometimes on piano, other times on guitar, and occasionally with just a vocal melody. One song on the new disc, “Escape Artist” (the original title of the album), stands out for Maida as a track that speaks to the band’s maturity and patience. “It was one of those songs, especially in the chorus, where on other records I probably would have sang over everything, but we just really let that guitar be the melody. To let a song be was just a great realization for us.” The metaphor behind a song title like “Escape Artist” doesn’t escape Maida. It speaks to the doubt the band felt in their past. “It’s us escaping from our past. The lyric parallels that.” When a group this successful sets out on a different track, people are wary. It’s strange with Our Lady Peace, in that they seem to have more punch now than they ever did. They have changed, yes, but it’s a change for the good. They are now a band that knows themselves, and any rock star with longevity as a goal will tell you that a band that understands who they are is more valuable than any perk of the blistering rock star life. Yet, beyond the constant criticism artists always face, away from the microscopic public adoration that is fueled by a ‘what have you done for me lately attitude’, one thing that’s never in doubt is Maida’s adoration for his band. “If I wasn’t in this band, I’d find a way to be in this band. Just to play tambourine or something.”

Greg Beharrell hosts Calgary’s New Rock Alternative, X92.9, every Monday to Friday in the evenings from 6pm - 10:30pm.

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One

X92 .9

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end ’s Onl y is u he bac ar O k. ur L on X a 9th 92.9, b dy Pea calle e th ce and e r y to s ou’l be through play ee Our off to B La One an Wee dy Pea ff c ken dO e nly. If yo

spotlight

INTERVIEW BY ERIKA BALTRUS

Default Four years between albums. What was the hold up? DS: We finished it in December of ‘07 and have been sitting on it for a couple of years. But right before we got it released to radio, the label in the US, TVT, went bankrupt [in March of ‘08]. We wanted off the label anyways and we are happy where we are now. We just didn’t think it was going to take this long. But it’s worth the wait. Luckily it happened right before it was released to radio, as opposed to right after. It could have broken the band up. You never know. We were stuck in a really bad spot. What was your reaction to the news? DS: It ended up being great news in the end but we didn’t think it was so great while we were waiting for a couple years. The music industry is a better place without that label. When did you sign with EMI? DS: Dean from EMI was on board right from the get-go. A couple of options were looked at but in the end we decided to go with EMI because they had been so passionate about getting us. What makes this album different than the previous three? JH: We were able to take a bit more time. DS: After the third record, we took a bit of a break. We were touring solidly. There are a lot more strings and piano. Some of the best songs on the record are

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not necessarily straight-up rock. They are more cross-overs. We’re still a rock band, but some of the medium-tempo songs and ballads were really strong. But you have to have a business way of looking at it. Not many albums are being sold through strictly rock radio. If you want to have a career and make money and be able to tour, you have to have those cross-overs so that people who are actually buying records will hear it.

There were some angry comments from your Americans fans on your Facebook page about the album only being released in Canada. Is it going to be released south of the border? DS: Not yet. They’re so finicky down there. We’ll have to wait and see but hopefully it’s coming in the new year. It’s kinda nice that we can just concentrate on Canada for now. What’s your typical songwriting process like? JH: Someone will come in with a guitar riff and we’ll beat the crap out of it for a while. Then we’ll co-write and beat the crap out of it some more. We’re a team. DS: Everyone writes their own part. What’s the magic quality that keeps this band together? DS: We were friends beforehand. We make fun of each other and there are no giant egos to get pissed off. It’s just good fun. We’ve all developed

this really sick sense of humour that no one else really gets. I go home and hang out with my friends...and it doesn’t go over well. It’s not really PC. JH: None of us are really vindictive. We all give a crap.

What is the best part of being in a successful band? JH: Not doing the 9-to-5 job. It’s very rewarding. The harder you work, the better the rewards. DS: No alarm clocks! I hate that sound. You just wake up angry to that noise. If you could work with any musician, dead or alive, who would it be? JH: Jimi Hendrix. He is probably the coolest guitar player in the world. He would just be one of the most interesting people to work with. He had more feel and passion than anyone else in those days. DS: Probably Lennon. He was pretty wild. But he’d probably hate our music (laughs). Do you ever tire of playing your older songs at concerts? JH: There are certain ones, yes. But that is the bonus of having four records now – we have more songs to play. DS: The ones that we still play from the first record, they were hits for us. The crowd sings them back so we see how much they get out of them too. When and where was your favourite concert to play at?

Frontman, Dallas Smith, and guitarist, Jeremy Hora, talk about the band’s new album and their new recording label.

JH: Australia was quite fun. DS: I think the Downtown Rocks in Atlanta. It’s a festival they have in the middle of the summer. There were about 40,000 people there. It was just like a big parking lot in the middle of Atlanta. There were people as far as the eye could see. We had opened up for Nickelback with 14-20,000 people but seeing that many people was amazing. What is on your playlist? JH: I’m listening to the first Rage disc, Temple of the Dog, going back into the 90’s. We’ve got our CD in there too. DS: I’ve got Kings of Leon, Lily Allen, Abbey Road... I’ve also got the new Nickelback record in my car because every time my kid gets in, he wants to listen to “Burn It to the Ground”. Do your kids like your music? DS: Oh yeah, they do. Are you sure they don’t just tell you that because they love you? DS: No, they are brutally honest. That’s the great thing about kids. JH: I’ll put in Zeppelin and my kid will ask, “Daddy, who is this lady singing?” What’s your favourite way to kill time these days? DS: FarmVille on Facebook. When you sit in a hotel and you have nothing to do..... JH: Not Twitter. That sounds like something a girl should be doing in her bedroom alone.

PHOTOGRAPH BY MARK MARYANOVICH

fitness

Dumbbell Thrusters Hold a set of dumbbells up at shoulder level, with palms facing out and squat down until your thighs are parallel to the floor. Explode upwards into a standing position while simultaneously pressing the dumbbells above your head. Then slowly squat back down to the start position and repeat.

Medicine Ball Slams Place the medicine ball at your feet and squat deeply, keeping your back straight. In a similar fashion to the Dumbbell Thrusters, stand and lift the medicine ball above your head in one fluid motion. Then slam the ball onto the floor in front of you as hard as you can. Now squat back down and do it again.

Dumbbell Uppercuts Stand with your feet shoulderwidth apart, knees slightly bent and holding the dumbbells at chest level. Step forward with your right foot and simultaneously make an uppercut with your left arm, rotating at your trunk and driving your left hip forward. Step back to the starting position and repeat with the left foot and right arm.

Kneeling Medicine Ball Parallel Throw With the wall to your left side, drop to your left knee about six feet away and hold the medicine ball in front of you at waist level. Rotate at your trunk and throw the medicine ball into the wall hard enough to make it bounce back. Catch it and repeat. When you’ve completed a set, switch sides and do it again.

photo by Steve Barr

Hard Core! So you wanna get tough like those MMA ﬁghters you see on TV, do ya? Well, our shape-savvy sidekick, Nic Russo, has put together a basic workout that’ll help get your body a little more solid. Of course, we can’t be held responsible for how badly you take a punch. s any fighter will tell you, the key to toughness in the cage is having a rock-solid core. When performing any physical activity (exercise, work or play), your core is the first thing to flex and stabilize the rest of your body. So it’s important not to overload yourself when doing core training. Do each of these motions ten times in a single set and stick to a maximum of five sets for this circuit. Stick to comfortable weights. There should be a good level of resistance, but you don’t want to strain anything and risk injury. Nic also suggests that guys should stick to a 20lb medicine ball for this workout. If you’re able to complete the entire circuit without fatigue, feel free to up the weight.

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ISSUE #28

Burpies You should remember this vomitinducing exercise from Issue #26 of VM. Or at the very least, you should remember them from junior high. It’s squat ... jump ... squat ... extend ... squat. And that’s one. Now do nine more! These will make your lungs burn like nobody’s business, but they’re amazing result getters.

coffee break These puzzles are making us thirsty! Test your Seinfeld knowledge with this crossword puzzle themed around the award-winning TV series.

1. 4. 5. 7. 12. 14. 16. 21. 22. 24. 25. 26. 27.

Circus person of whom Kramer is afraid. Type of shirt Jerry wears on the Today show. Jerry stuffs this meat in his pocket. Type of ball Kramer hits into the ocean. Jerry’s girlfriend plagiarizes from this writer. Type of suit Kenny Bania gives Jerry. What Jerry’s dad and Kramer sold. Jerry’s uncle. Candy dispenser. Played nude backgammon. Jerry’s ex-girlfriend. The ______ - Boy. Actor who played George’s dad.

Down 2. 3. 4. 6. 8. 9. 10. 11. 13. 15. 17. 18. 19. 20. 23.

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ISSUE #28

What Estelle has never done. Where Jerry says secrets are hidden. Elaine was his personal assistant. Jerry’s nemesis neighbour. One of Jerry’s dates can read ... Jerry hadn’t done this in 14 years. George’s dream date. Yada ... Pitched the ‘Jerry Show’ to this network. What George stole and hid in a paper bag. Jerry’s favourite pie. The Soup ____ Cap Elaine wore to a Yankees game. George’s dead fiancée. Pakistani restaurant owner.

Across

parting shot

Angel-leena photographed by 323PhotoGrafix.com

Born: Height: Body:

February 16, 1986 5’ 3” 34D - 25 - 36

World’s dumbest sport? I would have to say cricket. Wow, how boring! And why does it have to last for days at a time? It just doesn’t make sense to me. You’ll never see me at a cricket match.

How about online dating? No, It’s too easy to create false identities online. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer to meet new people in person. That’s the only way you can feel the chemistry for real.

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ISSUE #28

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