VEX Magazine (issue #29) by VEX Magazine

THE HISTORY OF FOOTBALL FOOTBALL ON FILM PROUDLY CANADIAN

[ [ LAYIN’

RUBBER IN A

VIPER! VEX-RATED:

ENTERTAINING MEN SINCE 2001

it’s A SNOWBLOWER’s EXTRAVAGANZA!

[ [ THE

SCHOOL TEACHER WHO

BROUGHT DOWN

CHARLES NG

Marcie CANADA’S HOTTEST COMMODITY

2009 ::: VOLUME 6 ::: ISSUE #29

PM 41481024

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$4.95

LYNN

IF SHE’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR PLAYBOY, THAT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR US!

contents features

2009 : VOL.6 : ISSUE #29

Olya Haidner This Russian temptress could make even the coldest Siberian winter feel like a day at the beach.

40 Game Films

In this issue, we celebrate everything football, as seen through the ever-accurate and meticulous eyes of Hollywood.

46 Tattoo Talk

Jacob Hoggard and Dave Rosin of Hedley stop by to get a little ink done and talk a little Britney Spears trash.

On the Cover

photograph by Mark G. Bilodeau

This Page

50 Gotcha!

photograph by 323PhotoGrafix.com

Sean Doyle was a high school teacher and part-time security guard. He never once thought heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d be the guy to take down one of the most ruthless murderers in history.

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ISSUE #29

contents inside

2009 : VOL.6 : ISSUE #29

48 30 56 20 24

8 Letters

18 Movies

30 Fitness

Quality Quentin to enjoy at home.

Stop that holiday weight from creeping in.

10 Out & About

20 Music

32 VEX Girl: Marcie Lynn

12 Jokes

22 Toys

48 Girl Spotting: Mindy Karuk

14 Fresh Faces: Chantel Hovde

24 VEX-Rated

56 Test Drive

Let it snow ... let it snow ... let it snow!

Peeling out in the Dodge Viper SRT10

16 Vexology: Rum

27 Comic Stripped

60 How To ...

Bring it, you bunch of stamp-lickers!

The battle breakdown from Hard Knocks 4.

Our readers keep us in stitches.

She’s sweet, she’s sexy ... she’s a badass!

Arrrr matey ... there be drunkards abound.

Our aim is to make your eardrums bleed!

It’s a do-it-yourself “Super-Snake”.

Sing us a song, Piano Man.

Hef sure knows how to pick ’em, doesn’t he?

She’s gonna take you to Pleasure Town!

Teaching you how to play with your balls.

62 Coffee Break

Getting strung out on Tarantino movies.

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PUBLISHER / EDITOR IN CHIEF

Mark G. Bilodeau Creative Director

Jeremy Nielsen Assistant Editor

Christopher Bloomfield Artistic Director

David Aaronson Director of Design

Andrew DeVore Senior Designer

Damian Fehmel Executive Assistant Andrew “McLovin” Corry Production / Pre-Press Assistant

Bonny Leung

Chief Photographer

Trevor Howell | www.323PhotoGrafix.com Contributing Photographers

Mark G. Bilodeau, Mike Bradley, Ryan English, David Ford, Jeremy Nielsen Contributing Writers

Greg Beharrell, J.D. Bermudez, Samantha Blake, Christopher Bloomfield, Barry Hammond, Seth Miller, David Nuttall, Bill Robinson, Nic Russo, Jonathan Stoddart, Joe Vespaziani Graphic & Web Design

Mathieu Prouse PrePress

Russell Greenlay Advertising Inquiries:

Alberta Sales Office Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 (403) 520-0116 info@vexmagazine.com Distributed by

Gallant Distribution Systems (Calgary) Clark Distributing (Edmonton) Canada Post VEX Magazine.com Ltd. VM is published six times per year by © 2008 VEX Magazine.com Ltd. All Rights Reserved. PM41481024 Return undeliverable items to: VEX Magazine.com Ltd. Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 info@vexmagazine.com www.vexmagazine.com GST# 86889 5715 RT0001 All Trademarks presented in this magazine are owned by the registered owner. All advertisements appearing in this magazine are the sole responsibility of the person, business or corporation advertising their product or service. For more information on VEX Magazine’s Privacy Policy and Intention of Use, please see our website at www. vexmagazine.com. All content, photographs and articles appearing in this magazine are represented by the contributor as original content and the contributor will hold VEX Magazine Ltd. harmless against any and all damages that may arise from their contribution. All public correspondence, which may include, but is not limited to letters, e-mail, images and contact information, received by VEX Magazine becomes the property of VEX Magazine.com Ltd. and is subject to publication. To have unsolicited manuscripts, photographs and other material returned, it must be accompanied by a self-addressed return envelope with postage pre-paid. VEX Magazine is not responsible for loss, damage, or any other injury to unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or material. Reproduction of this publication in whole or in part without written consent from the publisher is strictly prohibited.

letters DEAR SANTA ...

YOU CAN PUT WHATEVER YOU’D LIKE ON YOUR CHRISTMAS WISH LIST. BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW, IT’S TECHNICALLY ILLEGAL FOR US TO WRAP UP A VEX GIRL AND LEAVE HER UNDER YOUR TREE.

SEXUAL HARRIS-MENT

Stick Stuck The hockey stick comparison you guys did in your latest issue (“Stickin’ Around” issue #28) was pretty cool. What I don’t understand though is how you could say that the Bauer One95 is used by some major NHL players, but then choose the Easton S19 as your overall pick. What up wit dat? Chad via e-mail You seriously want to question

THE BIG KISS OFF!

Fishing For New Material I’ve been reading the short stories you call “Comic Stripped” in the last couple of issues and they’re freakin’ hilarious! I’ve been reading your magazine for a long time and used to love the

“Tales From The Trout” stories. It sucked when you stopped running those. I hope this is your answer for replacing that and we get to enjoy more of these stories. Peter via e-mail Thanks, Peter! We miss the Trout too, but it looks like we might have actually found someone who’s every bit as screwed up as he was. Let’s hope he doesn’t fall off the face of the planet too.

GET YOURSELF PUBLISHED IN VM! You could be one of the happy few who sings our praises. Or you could be one of the vast masses who want to give us a blinding junk punch. Either way, if you want your letter published here, you gotta write us ﬁrst. Drop us a line at info@vexmagazine.com

WE HOOKED UP WITH SOME FANS CHECKING OUT KISS IN CONCERT. FREAKIN’ WEIRDOS, MAN!

Photos by Mike Bradley

our judgement when you actually use (let alone write) terms like “What up wit dat”...? Hey, Fred Durst ... can you even play hockey?

Photo by 323PhotoGrafix.com

I think Victoria Harris (issue #28) is the most amazing VEX Girl you guys have ever had ... and I’ve seen a LOT of them! I don’t know what talent pool you fished her out of, but I say you keep dropping your line there from now on! Nice work, guys! Travis via e-mail We don’t want to ruin the fantasy for you, Travis, but we think you need to be aware that all of our VEX Girls are women ... not fish. But you just keep on slapping your tuna to our magazine for as long as you’d like, buddy.

There’s always some goof who has to get in on the action.

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ISSUE #29

What was this woman thinking? Even Beth wouldn’t let Peter Criss get any boob action.

“Who is this chick? Her name is on the tip of my tongue.”

“Hey! Maybe if we hang out around this van long enough, they’ll give one of us our own radio show!”

out&about School of

There’s nothing like spending an evening eating way too much junk food, guzzling copious amounts of beer and watching a bunch of guys beat the ever-loving crap out of each other. We can hardly wait for Hard Knocks 5! PHOTOS BY MIKE BRADLEY

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â&#x20AC;˘

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jokes

┌

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says, without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.” ~ Joel Hauk Richmond, BC

The Fantasyland Hotel

~ Colin Beard Calgary, AB

on the first floor the sign reads, All the men here have it short and thin. The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

A group of girlfriends are on vacation together, without their husbands, when they see a fivestory hotel with a sign that reads, For Women Only. They decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works:

The sign on the second floor reads, All the men here have it long and thin. Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

“We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, All the men here have it short and thick. They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors

They start going up, and

Stick THAT Under Your Tree

┘

left, they continued up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: All the men here have it long and thick. The women get all excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they might be missing out on, they head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, There are no men here. This floor was only built to prove that there is no way to please a woman.

Christmas Bonus

~ Al Pelletier Winnipeg, MB

John woke up the morning after the ofﬁce Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouth and utterly unable to recall the events of the night before. He got out of bed and made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Jeezus,” he moaned, “What the hell happened last night, Susan? Was it as bad as I think?” “Even worse,” Susan replied. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.” “Whatever,” John said. “He’s an asshole anyway. Piss on him.” “You did,” said Susan. “And he ﬁred you.” “Seriously?!!” John exclaimed. “Fine ... screw him!” “I did,” said Susan. “You’re back at work on Monday.”

~ Mike Swinton Edmonton, AB

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a trafﬁc light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” The kid replies, “Yup! He sure did!” The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light and some reﬂectors on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket, but before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Humoring the young boy, the cop smiles and says, “Yup. He sure did.” “Well,” the kid continued, “next year tell Santa to put the asshole on the back of the horse, instead of on top.”

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ISSUE #29

fresh faces

Chantel

HOVDE photographed by 323PhotoGrafix.com

This scintillating dental assistant from Edmonton likes to workout, play sports and go ﬁshing in her spare time. She’s also an accomplished kickboxer ... So tread lightly when you’re throwing out the pick-up lines, fellas!

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What’s currently playing in your iPod? Kings of Leon, Theory of a Deadman ... and I’m not going to lie ... Britney Spears, for when I want to dance. If you could have your choice of any career at all, what would it be? An undercover cop. I think it would be awesome to be in disguise, knowing that you’re risking your life, but people are always there that have your back. What’s the dumbest sport to ever be played? Bowling. The shoes suck and it’s the most boring, pointless activity. It shouldn’t even be considered a sport. What’s your favourite part on a guy’s body? The ‘V’ muscles on a guy’s lower stomach, and the back of the neck. I still haven’t figured out why, but I think they’re the two most sexiest spots on a guy. What kind of a guy are you attracted to? I go more for a goofy guy with a quirky personality. Looks aren’t important. I would rather have a guy that I can be a dork around than an uptight pretty boy. I love small town, family-oriented guys that aren’t afraid to get dirty. Not ones that highlight their hair and iron their size XS Armani t-shirts.

ISSUE #29

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vexology

YoHoHo

David N uttall presiden is the t of Epi (www.e curean Calga ry picure ancalg ary.co and m m) Enoteca anager of Li and Spe quor Store ci al ty W (www.e njoywin ines e.ca)

AND A BOTTLE OF... BY DAVID NUTTALL

☠

RUM. The very word conjures up visions of tropical islands, pirates, swashbuckling, and so on. The fact is, the liquor we now call rum does have its very roots in all that lore, and much more. The history and the legends surrounding rum are both infamous and notorious. The story of preserving Admiral Lord Nelson for the trip back to England in the ship’s rum stores after his death during the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805 and finding the barrel near dry when opened, created the legend that the sailors of the Victory had been siphoning off their rum rations and gave rum its nickname of “Nelson’s Blood”. This legend also produced the British Navy term “tapping the Admiral”; to get an unauthorized drink of rum. Rum’s connection to naval trade is also somewhat infamous. The ‘slavery triangle’ involved the shipping of molasses to New England distilleries to make rum, which was then shipped to West Africa to trade for slaves, who

were then transported to the sugar plantations of the Caribbean and South America to work in the sugarcane fields. This lasted until the American Revolution and the rise of whisky production in North America, but there is no doubt that the history of rum is tied to sugar production. Rum, very simply, is a beverage made from sugar by-products such as molasses and sugarcane juice that have been fermented and distilled. Historically, these by-products were derived from sugarcane, but today, rum is also made from sugar beets, especially in northern countries. Nevertheless, it is still the West Indies and surrounding mainland countries which dominate world rum production. The first distillation of rum came from the sugarcane plantations of the Caribbean as early as the 17th century, with distinct styles developing on different islands depending on which European country had colonized them, which variety of sugarcane was planted, and how it was distilled, blended and aged. The British produced heavy, dark rums in Jamaica,

Classic Mojito

Hurricane

Jamaican Me Crazy!

3 oz White Rum 1 oz Lime Juice 2 tsp Sugar 3 sprigs of Mint Club Soda

1 oz White Rum 1 oz Gold Rum 1 oz Dark Rum 3 oz Orange Juice 3 oz Pineapple Juice ½ oz Grenadine

1 oz Dark Rum 1 oz Malibu Rum 1 oz Banana Liqueur 1 oz Cranberry Juice 1 oz Pineapple Juice

Toss the sugar, mint and lime juice into a tall glass. Mash and stir with a spoon until the mint is slightly bruised and the sugar has dissolved. Fill the glass with ice and pour the rum over it. Top off with club soda and stir with a straw.

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Mix all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with some cubed ice. Shake well and strain into a glass filled with crushed ice. Traditionally garnished with fruit, but you can leave that out to butch it up a bit, if you’d like.

ISSUE #29

the Virgin Islands and Barbados. The French made heavy-bodied, but lighter-coloured rhums in Haiti, Martinique, and Guadeloupe. The Spanish preferred light-bodied and whitecoloured rums from Cuba and Puerto Rico, and the Portuguese created rum’s cousin, Cachaça, a light-bodied cane liquor in Brazil. More recently, the world has begun to notice the fine aged rums of Central and South America. Even Canada has its own centuries old tradition of trading dried fish for Caribbean rum and ageing it to produce Screech. Currently, rums are produced almost everywhere, but the tropics still command the market. India, Australia, the East Indies, all of Latin America, and parts of Africa are now making rums that are available the world over. This internationality gives rum its many flavours, characteristics and colours which creates a versatility that allows it to be used in cooking, desserts, drank straight up, in hiballs, or in several signature cocktails. Still, just try to have a Mojito or a Daiquiri and not think of sun and a sandy beach!

Throw everything into a cocktail shaker with some ice. Shake well and strain into a highball glass with fresh ice. Best enjoyed while sipping it through a straw.

QUENT-ESSENTIAL TARANTINO ALONG WITH THE RELEASE OF INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS ON DVD AND BLU-RAY COMES THE ULTIMATE COLLECTION OF TARANTINO FILMS IN ONE BEAUTIFUL, MOVIE-GEEKTASTIC PACKAGE. WE SNAGGED SOME TRIVIAL TIDBITS ABOUT EACH FILM YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN ABOUT. 1

F#%K!!!

How many times does someone drop an F-bomb in a Tarantino flick? RESERVOIR DOGS

269

PULP FICTION

265

JACKIE BROWN

145

KILL BILL Vol.1 3

KILL BILL Vol.2

⬅

1. Reservoir Dogs Madonna claimed to have loved the film, but refuted Tarantino’s interpretation of her song Like A Virgin in the film’s opening breakfast scene. She gave Tarantino a copy of her Erotica album and signed: “To Quentin. It’s not about dick, it’s about love. Madonna.” 2. Pulp Fiction The 1964 Chevelle Malibu convertible, driven by Vincent Vega (Travolta) in the film, actually belongs to Tarantino and was stolen during the production of the film.

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3. Jackie Brown In 1984, an aerospace engineer from Northrop met with FBI agents in the same bar attached to the Cockatoo Inn that was used in the film. The agents were posing as Russian spies. He attempted to sell the agents the plans for the stealth bomber for $25,000.00. He was arrested and given a life sentence. 4. Kill Bill Vol.1 Right before O-Ren (Lucy Liu) and The Bride (Uma Thurman) have their sword fight, O-Ren says in Japanese, “I hope you saved your energy. If

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DEATH PROOF

144

you haven’t, you may not last five minutes.” From the moment they actually engage up to the fatal slice that takes the top off of O-Ren’s head, exactly five minutes of the movie ticks by. 5. Kill Bill Vol.2 The wooden flute Carradine plays in the film is the same one he played as Kwai Chang Caine in Kung Fu. 6. Death Proof In the bar scenes, a ratty old tank top can be seen nailed to the wall. This is the same tank top Kurt Russell wore in Big Trouble In Little China.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS We actually haven’t counted this one yet, but if you know, feel free to drop us an email and fill us in!

DAS VERBOTEN!

PROMOTION OF INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS IN EUROPE TOOK A NASTY CENSORSHIP HIT. All of the advertising materials for the film in Germany had to be significantly altered. According to German law, the display of all Nazi iconography is strictly prohibited unless for the purpose of accurate historical reference or in “works of art.” Therefore, the swastikas and other Nazi symbols had to be removed or covered up on all of the posters, website downloads, etc. The

actual film, on the other hand, fell under the “work of art” category, so it was fortunately left alone and presented in its original form.

IT AIN’T OVER ‘TIL IT’S OVER!

We found a hidden gem in the straight-to-DVD bin that you might want to check out. The Tournament stars Ving Rhames and the lethally gorgeous Kelly Hu. It’s a fun little shoot’em up about professional hitmen offing each other that almost didn’t get made. Twice this movie ran out of cash in the middle of production. Once, leaving director Scott Mann stranded on location in Bulgaria.

The Quentin Tarantino Collection © 1991 Dog Eat Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Distributed in Canada by MAPLE PICTURES. www.maplepictures.com. © 2009 Miramax Film Corp. All Rights Reserved. © 2009 The Weinstein Company, LLC All Rights Reserved. Distributed Exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved. Inglourious Basterds © 2009 Visiona Romantica. All Rights Reserved. © 2009 The Weinstein Company, LLC. All Rights Reserved. Distributed exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved. The Tournament © 2009 Mann Made Limited. All Rights Reserved. Artwork © 2009 The Weinstein Company. Distributed exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved.

movies

music Get Your iPods Ready

The latest tracks to bust your eardrums. Weezer Raditude The seventh album from these musical misfits has already sold more than 100,000 copies to date. But even if you don’t dig on this band’s pop-like alt-rock sound, you’d be a cold and heartless individual not to get jazzed about the new Weezer Snuggie (yes, the wearable blanket) that’s being marketed just in time for Christmas. 50 Cent Before I Self Destruct The muscle-bound, gun-toting warrior of the streets clearly shows that evolution isn’t necessarily high on his priority list. Probably taking the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach to his gangsta image. Along with the CD comes a feature film of the same title which was written, directed, produced and stars Fiddy. Can you say self-indulgence?

THE VULTURES ARE CIRCLING

Rock’s latest supergroup, Them Crooked Vultures, brings together the very best of the old and the new. Is there a rock musician today that is more synonymous with the word “genius” than the Foo Fighters’ Dave Grohl? Stop trying to come up with one, smart guy, because there isn’t. And according to the Bio page on the band’s website, this latest collaboration between him, Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age and the legendary Led Zeppelin alum, John Paul Jones, is his latest brainchild. Initially having the idea for the collaboration as far back as 2005, Grohl ﬁnally set his master plan in motion by inviting both Homme and Jones to his 40th birthday party back in January 2009, which was being held at Medieval Times. While Grohl sat perched on his throne, being treated like the rock royalty he is and cheering on the Blue Knight, he strategically sat Homme and Jones together so he could witness the chemistry that would blossom between the two. Possibly one of the creepiest blind dates ever conceived, but we’re all the better for it with the release of their self-titled debut album.

ON THIS DAY IN MUSIC HISTORY December 27, 1998 Rapper Busta Rhymes was arrested and charged with criminal possession after police found a loaded, unregistered pistol in his car. The police had originally pulled Rhymes over for changing lanes three times without signaling.

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ISSUE #29

January 6, 1975 Led Zeppelin fans riot outside The Boston Garden while waiting for tickets to go on sale. Approximately $30,000.00 in damages was done and the show was subsequently cancelled by then Mayor of Boston, Kevin White

Hedley The Show Must Go It all started with a bet for $151, with the original band members challenging frontman Jacob Hoggard to audition for Canadian Idol. He came in third, but three albums later, the little group from Abbotsford, BC, is showing some major staying power. This, in turn, raises a curious question: Does anyone remember who actually won that season?

Must-Buy DVD Nirvana Live At Reading The long-time bootlegged performance is now officially available for all to enjoy on a digitally improved CD/DVD set. At the time of the actual show, back in August of 1992, fans and critics alike touted it as being an epic performance. Now, that moment is frozen in time for old fans to reminisce and for new fans to marvel at the raw energy this band produced on stage.

toys

JUICED UP

Kelly Nurcombe takes his Shelby GT500 from “muscle car” to having a serious case of ’roid-rage. How mechanically inclined are you? Moderate. I’m not a gearhead. I don’t really get hands on. I don’t have time for it. So I just leave it to people who know how to do it.

call, “super-snaked”. So basically, you buy a GT500 and then you can send it down to Shelby Automobiles in the States, where they offer these “super-snake” packages.

Why the Shelby GT500? My entire life, I’ve loved that cobra snake. I love the whole Shelby heritage and the nostalgia in that car. So when they came out with the GT500 version of the Shelby, I figured it was time I should buy one.

And what does that give you? There are two packages ... a 625hp and a 725hp. Along with that comes a whole new suspension, wheels, tires, brakes, supercharger, custom-stitched leather, a new hood, scoops ... all kinds of stuff. Now, that’s a very expensive package, and I was going to do it, but the market took a turn and the dollar

What started your mod-fever? I wanted to get my car, what they

went down again. So I decided not to do it. How did you wind up at Davenport Motorsports? I called Davenport and told them I wanted to do my own version of a “super-snake” to my car. So I took in the stock GT500 and they took it to basically the 625hp version and it cost a lot less.

honking the horn and giving me the finger. I guess I scared him pretty good. But I’ve never been pulled over. So you’re not much of a speed freak in this thing? I’m more a fan of all the low-end power ... all that torque, you know? I mean, it’s a muscle car, right? It’s just pure raw power. And that’s what I like about it.

Have you ever just let’er rip? There was one time ... I passed this guy and he must have had his window rolled down. I blew by him and I just remember him

WHAT’S BEEN DONE?

• Ford Racing TVS2300 Supercharger • Ford Racing Cold Air Intake • Ford Racing ProCal Handheld Programmer • Eibach Coil Over Suspension • HRE 19” 440R Wheels • Edelbrock Upper and Lower Tubular Control Arms and Panhard Bar

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PHOTOGRAPH BY MARK G. BILODEAU ISSUE #29

Î This totally blows!!!

vex-rated DRIVEWAY DYNAMOS!

THE GUYS AT ROCKY MOUNTAIN HONDA POWERHOUSE SHOW YOU HOW TO KEEP YOUR SIDEWALKS CLEAR AND MAKE YOUR LOUD-MOUTHED NEIGHBOUR LOOK LIKE A PANSY. 3.

1. 2.

1. HS 520

2. HS 724

The abscence of a garage and driveway does not demand the absence of a good snowblower. This little baby gives you a 20-inch clearing path and up to a 26-ft throw distance. It even comes with an upgradable electric-start motor so you don’t have to deal with that lousy rip-cord. And the rubber-tipped auger helps pull you along.

If you’re too lazy to mess with the minimal manual demands of the HS 520, this puppy is your best step up. With automated chute directional control and hydrostatic transmission, you can change the direction of your maximum 46-ft throw distance on the fly. And the addition of a gas-assisted auger-height adjustment system is pretty sweet!

3. HS 928

4. HS 1132

This bad boy can handle it all for you. Fully automated for simple one-hand control. The dual-stage auger system not only chews out a gaping 28-inch path, but it also helps drive the whole unit for you so you’re not having to push through those massive snow drifts. And with its 49-ft maximum throw distance, you can send all that snow into your annoying neighbour’s yard.

This thing is an absolute beast! Combining a cavernous 32-inch clearing path along with the ability to launch snow into a different time zone (up to 56-ft), this monster inhales up to 65 metric tons of the white stuff (we’re talkin’ snow here, not cocaine) per hour. But unless your last name is Gretzky and you’re clearing off your backyard ice rink, this might be a little overkill.

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ISSUE #29

BEST BUY

GO BLOW!

Get more info at www.rockyhonda.com

comic stripped BY JOE VESPAZIANI

cursed out by my girlfriend, Recovery Girl ... I noticed an old piano under a blue tarp. It hid in the back of Keyboard’s truck. I thought of all the poor opening acts that would have to assist in humping that prop into the clubs. Upon entering my house, the dirty, matted pooch took it upon itself to “protect” everyone in my house from me. I desperately held back the urge to kick it in the throat while its owner praised it out of my way. The smell of dog shit in my house was not subtle. Clown’s mom was lit. Her red face was getting ‘loves’ from the mutt while her better half was passed out on Keyboard’s new leather recliner. His cigarette had already burned a hole in the armrest. Keyboard looked to be at the end of his patience. He was very close to the same age as Clown’s folks, which added to the Springerness of the evening. It was loud and smoky. Recovery Girl was hiding in my room. Ignoring Keyboard’s “kill me please” look, I left the Holy Nativity for my bedroom. Recovery Girl was livid. I was an hour late. I tried to explain about how the Canada/U.S. border had been extra busy. Recovery Girl was livid. I tried to explain about having to get my son to his mom’s. Recovery Girl was livid. I handed her a present. She tore the wrapping paper in tears while giving me the newest list of ways I’d never be good enough. I always say, the best gifts are the ones you get to carry in your head forever. Merry Christmas. After calming her down and agreeing that I was indeed the unworthy piece of shit she said I was, I took her away from the drunken chaos. Who needs triggers on Christmas? We walked until her demons went night-night. That’s the bonus of dating a recovering alcoholic ... the two of you are never alone. We decided to spend the weekend in Portland ... her turf.

RAGTIME

THE TALE OF A WAYWARD PIANO THAT TICKLES MORE THAN JUST THE IVORIES. Before you digest this gem, it may be helpful to remember or review (for new readers) the Answer the Door story from the last issue [Issue #28]. This will give you some helpful background information on the major players involved. I’ll do my best to take you back to the comedy house in West Seattle where this pleasant memory always makes me smile... It was Christmas Eve when Clown’s parents arrived. They had parked their RV with U-Haul

attached, in front of our house. I was just pulling in from doing a week in Vancouver. I had to park down the street and run through the half-inch of snow responsible for shutting the entire city of Seattle down ... pussies. There was a leash knotted to the bumper of the UHaul leading into the house. Apparently, doggie didn’t want to be outside. Didn’t want to shit outside either.

On Monday I returned to the comedy house in West Seattle after my weekend hiatus at camp ‘it’s not me, it’s you’. The RV, dog, and snow were gone. The blue tarp, however, still covered the upright piano in the back of Keyboard’s truck. I wondered if he was planning on being in a parade ... playing little ditties for the locals who would never fully appreciate the eight hours-a-day he was abused into practicing as a child. Now he gets the last laugh as his mother sits with God, and every time it comes up she has to tell God that her son plays song parodies in comedy clubs. Ouch!

As I hurried up the walk ... knowing I would be

The house still had a slight taste of dog shit.

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comic stripped Keyboard was anchored in his recliner. He gave me the look a quarterback gives a receiver who zigged when they should have zagged. Keyboard said nothing, but pointed to the dark hole in the armrest ... ‘Nuff said. He used words like “white-trash” and “dumb-ass” to describe the in-laws’ holiday visit. “I had the chair two fucking days!!!” Keyboard yelled to the ceiling. I knew Clown was probably up there cowered in a corner, crying and eating. I inquired about the piano in his truck. “Oh, that piece of shit!!!” Keyboard projected to the ceiling. He wasn’t done giving Clown her lasting holiday gift. Merry Christmas. He told me that Clown’s people had U-Hauled the piano halfway across the country to give it to him for Christmas. He told me that it would be cheaper to buy a new one than to fix “that piece of shit.” He didn’t want to seem ungrateful, so he was waiting for them to leave before he dumped it. Apparently, leaving the piano in the back of his truck while it pissed rain on it for three days gave Clown’s family the illusion of appreciation. Keyboard was extra annoyed because he had to borrow Clown’s little Civic for a gig in Oregon. Although big enough for Clown to stuff herself and ten other clowns into it, there apparently wasn’t enough legroom for the Northwest’s #1 keyboard comic. He liked his truck ..... the one with the shitty piano in the back hiding under the blue tarp. Keyboard left for the gig. He wouldn’t return for a couple of days. His instructions to the Clown were simple: “Don’t drive my truck. Don’t look at my truck. Don’t think about my truck.” It was actually for Clown’s own good. We lived on a very steep, winding hill. The piano wasn’t secured in the bed of the truck, and it was very top-heavy. Clown didn’t prove to be a good listener.

In her defense, she had a bad case of the munchies. She and The Niece decided that there wasn’t anything in the house worth thawing. Who wants to wait three minutes for the fucking microwave to perform? So off they went ... in Keyboard’s truck. Tsk-Tsk ... teenagers. Today, people ask: “What were you doing when the towers came down?” Prior to 9/11, Keyboard’s piano incident was my most significant and memorable global event. I still smile and sometimes laugh to the point of tears when I think about it ... like I’m seeing it for the first time ... I had come home from an all night drive. I refuse to stay in hotels if I’m less than six hours from home. The sun was waking. My body moaned for sleep. Rounding the corner that would take me to the long and winding road home, I saw it. This was a very spiritual moment. The orange glow of the morning sun reflected brilliantly off the cityscape. Seattle looked so peaceful ... innocent ... like a sleeping baby. I stopped the car to watch my city awaken. But I wasn’t alone. Standing on the corner of the steep sidewalk, facing the same beautiful scene, was the piano. Poised as if Yanni himself was performing live for the Emerald City. My tired mind couldn’t comprehend this right away. Keys were scattered all over the street and sidewalk ... like remaining teeth on the floor of Hooters after the fat slow-pitch slobs run out of tits to stare at.

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I laughed so hard I couldn’t drive. I laughed so hard I actually started to wet myself. I didn’t need an explanation. Clowns just want to have fun. I wanted to be in the car as Keyboard rounded the corner to witness the handiwork of his teen-bride. This was going to be good. Merry Christmas. I napped on the couch. I didn’t want to miss Keyboard’s entrance. I heard the sputtering exhaust of the Civic ... a heavy slam ... angry footsteps up the porch. Daddy’s home. Keyboard looked wired. He’d driven all night from his gig when he got word of Clown’s mischief. He didn’t lose a stride as he headed for the staircase. I couldn’t stop cackling. “How was the drive?” I giggled. “Wanna see Clown cry?” Keyboard growled as he ascended the stairs. “You hated that piano.” I countered ... still giggling. “The cunt dented my truck!!!” For seven days the piano stood on the corner of the steep road overlooking Seattle. I laughed each time I passed it. I saw Asian tourists taking pictures with it. I saw kids throwing the broken keys at each other and dogs peeing on it. It had become part of the landscape ... a reference point for pizza delivery. Then, one day, without warning, it was gone. Merry Christmas, indeed.

fitness

HOLIDAY CIRCUIT

1. SIT-UPS Start things off with the most basic of exercises. Lay on the floor and do some simple sit-ups. Don’t cheat by hooking your feet under the bed frame, tubbo!

Keep those holiday pounds off before you even put them on.

VM’s fitness master, Nic Russo, has designed a quick workout you can do over the holidays to help keep all that turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and booze from expanding your beltline. This program is not designed to take a fatty and make him chisled. This is strictly a maintenance workout you can do at home. Do 15-20 reps of each exercise in this circuit at least three or four times each week. And if you don’t have a set of dumbbells at home, use a couple of 4L milk jugs. Just be sure you fill them evenly so you can keep your body in balance. Happy holidays, fatso!

RT! IO ALE CARD e done your ou’v Once y t some cardio ge , irs it circu the sta . alking in by w use 20 times ho , r u rs o e y w in the sho Now hit ou stink! Y . e dud

2. LEAPING LUNGES

3. BENT-OVER ROWS

Get into a nice deep lunge, with your lead leg bent at a right angle. Jump straight up and switch your legs on the landing. Then jump again ... that’s one.

Bend at the waist and keep your back straight. Let your arms dangle and then draw back slowly by squeezing your shoulderblades together.

4. SHOULDER PRESS Start by standing straight and holding your arms up to your sides at right angles. Press straight above your head and try to keep your body from swaying.

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ISSUE #29

If your feet are this ugly, carrying a few extra pounds is only half your problem!

5. OVERHEAD EXTENSIONS Feel the burn in your triceps by standing with one arm straight above your head. Bend at the elbow and let the weight slowly drop behind your head. Keeping your elbow tight against your head, extend your arm until straight again. Once you’ve completed your reps with one arm, switch it up and do the other side.

6. PUSH-UPS This is basically a standard push-up, but with one leg raised to help work your core at the same time. Do 15 reps with one leg up and then switch legs for another 15 reps.

7. ALTERNATING CURLS Standing with your arms to your sides, keep your elbows tightly against your body. Alternating one arm at a time, curl the weight up to just better than a right angle. Try to minimize any movement in your shoulders or swaying of your body.

8. AB TWISTS

You started with abs, and you’ll finish with abs. Sit with your upper body at about 45º and your feet off the floor. Twist slowly from side-to-side while trying to keep your legs as still as possible.

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â&#x20AC;˘

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Lynn

SHOT ON LOCATION AT WALT HEALY MOTORSPORTS

photographed by Mark G. Bilodeau hair and makeup by Beauty By Brianne

The gorgeous Canadian Playboy model that exudes more sex appeal than most men can handle.

MARCIE

Oh, thank Heaven for

� The

MIRACLE

MARCIE Fresh off her shoot with the Grand-Daddy mag of ’em all, MARCIE LYNN spent some time in front of our cameras and gave us an inside look at what it’s actually like to hang with Hef.

So that place is all just a bunch of hype, right? The Playboy Mansion was CRAZY! It’s just like in the movies. Lots of sexy, drunk, and of course, naked girls sitting around the pool or hanging out at any one of the many other areas where you can get into trouble around the mansion.

How drunk and crazy did YOU get? For some reason, I decided that it would be a fun idea to chase around one of Hef’s peacocks. I left the grotto for the next night, but before I left I did find myself in the ‘orgy room’ with two of my blonde girlfriends.

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Nice! Would you care to give us the full and unadulterated play-by-play of that little fantasy-inducing experience? Sorry, boys. What happens at the mansion, stays at the mansion.

How did you even get hooked up with Playboy? I had won a Playboy beauty pageant and things just went from there. I had applied earlier to get a test shoot and was accepted to do one with the editor. There were two different types of shoots being offered to the girls. One was a ‘non-nude by the pool’ shoot and the other was the one I fortunately received ... which was the full on ‘L.A. casting call’ shoot. Only a select few girls were invited because the shoot was with the editor ... The real deal! It was an amazing experience!

“I found myself in the ‘orgy room’ with two of my blonde girlfriends.”

There are girls sending emails and photos into VM all the time. It must be an insane process on that kind of scale. I had to write a letter to Playboy explaining why I should be in it. I also had to send photos and my measurements.

So once you’re down there in L.A., how do you make sure they pick you over the hundreds of other girls who wrote letters and sent in pictures? There were Playboy scouts everywhere ... at all the different parties. So basically you just have to look smoking hot all the time!

How long did you stay at the mansion? I was only in L.A for four days.

Other than the actual photo shoot, how did you kill time? I went shopping ... drank ... stayed by the pool and got a sweet tan with my girls.

So, it must seem like a huge step down to go from appearing in the most prestigious men’s magazine on the planet to doing a shoot for VM. (Yes, we’re fishing for validation and reassurance.) I don’t feel like it’s a step down at all. I love VEX! And I’ve always wanted to shoot with this magazine. I was thrilled when I got the opportunity to do so.

Other than the fact that we didn’t ask you to get completely naked, was there anything about your ‘VM experience’ that made it memorable for you? It was great actually knowing the photographer ... so that made me super relaxed and comfortable! It was also great having my sister in-law on set with me. She did a wicked job on the makeup!

If you could have hooked up with any celebrity while you were in L.A., who would it have been? I like Ryan Reynolds. I want to wash my hair up against his washboard abs.

Is there a ‘Marcie Lynn Sex Tape’ somewhere that we could all pray somehow gets leaked onto the Internet? No ... the sex tapes have all been destroyed. But I’ve been thinking about possibly making another one sometime soon. So keep your fingers crossed.

What’s the first thing you look for in a guy when you first meet him? I love when a guy has a great smile. You can really see how genuine a guy is when he smiles. Some guys have that cocky-ass smile and they think they can get whatever they want. But when a guy has a genuine smile, you can see that he’s really a wonderful person.

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“What happens at the mansion, stays at the mansion.”

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sports

THE HISTORY OF

FOOTBALL ON FILM Gridiron heroes. These are the guys we worship every weekend and Monday night. And these are the movies that have immortalized them. BREAK!!!

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›

The Best of Times & Wildcats 1986

While Kurt Russell is starring with Robin Williams, his real life girlfriend, Goldie Hawn, is taking the lead role in a film that saw the debut of both Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson.

›

FOOTBALL FUNNIES

ﬁ

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective 1994 During the scene where Ace is laying out his Ray Finkel theory to Lt. Einhorn, check out how the two apples and the banana are laid out on Einhorn’s desk. That’s just some nasty foreshadowing we didn’t really need to see.

The Comebacks 2007 One of the biggest groaner ﬁlms of all-time, but it’s a ‘must have’ for any guy’s collection. Directed by Tom Brady. No, not that Tom Brady. But given the season he’s having, it would seem both Toms are laying the same sized turd.

‹

M*A*S*H 1970 Although set on the front lines of the Korean War, the only gunshots heard throughout the entire movie are from the referee’s pistol during the inter-camp football game. ►►Paper Lion 1968 This football movie starred Alan Alda, who played Hawkeye in the M*A*S*H TV series.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

› ›

The Longest Yard 2005 The numbers that Michael Irvin (88) and Bill Romanowski (53) wore in the ﬁlm were the same numbers they wore when they played in the NFL. All-in-all, this was a pretty good remake of the Burt Reynolds classic.

There have been a few football films in history that have featured convicts as players.

›

The Longest Yard 1974

Fast Times at Ridgemont High 1982

The scene where Linda teaches Stacy the finer points of how to give a man oral sex was originally supposed to take place in a hot tub with both girls naked. Unfortunately, that plan was scrapped in order to avoid an X- rating. Stupid MPAA!

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

€

as well as a couple of classics ...

►►Gridiron Flash 1934 ►►Hold ’em Jail 1932

1932

During the making of the movie, Chico was in a car accident and his kneecap was shattered.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★ HERE ARE SOME OTHER GREAT FOOTBALL COMEDY FLICKS: ►The Replacements 2000

►Necessary Roughness 1991

►Johnny Be Good 1988

The Comebacks: © 2009 Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC. All Rights Reserved. The Best Of Times: © Universal Picutres. All Rights Reserved. Wildcats: © Warner Home Entertainment. All Rights Reserved. M*A*S*H: © Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC. All Rights Reserved The Longest Yard (2005): © Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved. Fast Times at Ridgemont High: © Universal Picutres. All Rights Reserved. Ace Ventura - Pet Detective: © Warner Home Entertainment. All Rights Reserved. The Longest Yard (1974): © Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved. Horse Feathers: © Universal Picutres. All Rights Reserved.

Horse Feathers

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The Gridiron Gang 2006

The events of this film were supposed to have taken place in 1993. You can see several players wearing Under Armour gear, but UA wasn’t made public until 1995-96.

›

The Express: The Ernie Davis Story 2008 In the movie, when Davis ﬁrst walks into the Syracuse stadium, the goal posts are at the back of the end zone. In the 1950s, the goal posts were actually on the goal line. They weren’t moved to the back of the end zone in the 1970s.

INSPIRING STORIES

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

‹

Brian’s Song 1971 James Caan was apparently already working on the attitude for his portrayal of Sonny Corleone in The Godfather. Just before ﬁlming his death scene, Jimmy reportedly said, “Hold my cigarette and hold my can of Coke, I have to go die.”

›

Rudy 1993 The real coach Dan Devine was upset about the scene in which several players laid down their jerseys on his desk as a form of protest. Devine said that incident never took place. And if it had, the players involved would have been booted off the team.

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MORE FOOTBALL MOVIES BASED ON TRUE STORIES: ►Remember The Titans 2000 ►Something For Joey 1977 ►Crazylegs 1953 ►The Iron Major 1943 MORE FROM NOTRE DAME: ►Knute Rockne: All-American 1940 ►The Spirit Of Notre Dame 1931

›

We Are Marshall 2006 Just six weeks after the tragic Marshall crash, a chartered plane carrying several members of the Wichita State University football team and their coaching staff crashed into the side of a mountain in Colorado, killing 31 people.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

€

Invincible 2006

In the Giants game, Mark Wahlberg is running down the sideline and a Giants player flattens him. This Giants player was a football player at the nearby University of Delaware, and was instructed not to contact Wahlberg, let alone knock him down. As a result of this, the actor/player was told to leave the set, but the scene was kept.

The Express: Chuck Hodes © Universal Picutres. All Rights Reserved. Gridiron Gang: © 2006 Columbia Pictures Industries, Inc. and GH One LLC. All Rights Reserved. We Are Marshall: © Warner Home Entertainment. All Rights Reserved. Rudy: © 1993 TriStar Pictures, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Brian’s Song: © 1971, renewed 1999 CPT Holdings, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Invincible: © Disney. All rights reserved.

ISSUE #29

ﬁ SIMPLE MINDS

SOME OTHER SCHOOLYARD GRIDIRON TALES: ►Radio 2003 ►School Ties 1992 ►Everybody’s All-American 1988 ►All The Right Moves 1983 ►The All-American 1953 ►Saturday’s Hero 1951 ►The Spirit Of Stanford 1942 ►Touchdown 1931 ►The Quarterback 1926 ►The Freshman 1925

Friday Night Lights 2004

Don Billingsley’s father in the movie is said to have won a state championship. In reality, his Permian team lost in the state finals.

›

Forrest Gump 1994 On the day they were shooting the football running scenes, Tom Hanks had been suffering from a major ﬂu. He opted not to be paid for the ﬁlm. Instead he took percentage points, which ultimately netted him somewhere in the region of $40 million.

░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░

‹

Varsity Blues 1999 There isn’t a single one of you out there that didn’t tune into at least one episode of Heroes, hoping Ali Larter might actually come up with a way to top that awesome whipped cream bikini she was sporting in this classic football ﬁlm.

€

The Waterboy 1998 When the ﬁlm was ﬁrst released in November of 1998, it was preceded by the trailer for Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. Many Star Wars fans, who weren’t fans of Adam Sandler, paid the full admission price to see the trailer. Then left the theater.

Forrest Gump: © Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved. Friday Night Lights: © Universal Picutres. All Rights Reserved. Varsity Blues: © Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved. The Waterboy: © Disney. All rights reserved.

ANTI-HEROES

›

€

Any Given Sunday 1999 When Willie Beamen goes over to coach Tony D’Amato’s house for a jambalaya dinner, D’Amato is watching Ben Hur, starring Charlton Heston. Heston also appears in this movie as the commissioner of the football league.

›

North Dallas Forty 1979

Based on the semi-autobiographical novel by former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver, Peter Gent. He says the film’s characters closely resemble his actual team from the late 60s ... with Seth Maxwell likened to quarterback Don Meredith, Quinlan to Tom Landry, and Elliott to Gent himself. After reading his book, Don Meredith said: “If I’d known Gent was as good as he says he was, I would have thrown to him more.”

ﬁ

Big Fan 2009 According to director, Robert D. Siegel, between takes in the strip club, while other members of cast and crew were enjoying the company of the dancers, actor Patton Oswalt was watching episodes of John Adams on his iPod in a private room.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★ OTHER FILMS WITH CHARACTERS WHO DON’T NECESSARILY MAKE THE BEST ROLE MODELS: ►The Program 1993 ►Hold That Line 1952

►The Cowboy Quarterback 1939 ►The Big Game 1936

►The Galloping Ghost 1931 ►The Craving 1916

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★ WHEN TERROR STRIKES AT THE STADIUM ON GAME DAY: ▼Two Minute Warning 1976

▼Black Sunday 1977

▼The Last Boy Scout 1991

Semi-Tough 1977

Burt Reynolds claims he molded his character after Don Meredith.

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Any Given Sunday: © Warner Home Entertainment. All Rights Reserved. North Dallas Forty: © Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved. Bid Fan: © First Independent Pictures. All Rights Reserved. Semi-Tough: © MGM Home Entertainment. All Rights Reserved. Two Minute Warning: © Universal Picutres. All Rights Reserved. Black Sunday: © Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved. The Last Boy Scout: © Warner Home Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.

ISSUE #29

CHICK FLICKS

€

Leatherheads 2008 A radio announcer in the ﬁlm refers to a Hail Mary pass during one of the plays. The movie is set in the 1920s and that particular football term didn’t exist until Dallas Cowboy quarterback, Roger Staubach, coin the phrase in 1975. ◄The Longshots 2008 UPLIFTING STORIES ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS WHO MAKE GREAT QUARTERBACKS. (SNORE.) Quarterback► Princess 1983

›

The Blind Side 2009 We’re still not sure why someone would take an inspiring story, like that of Baltimore Ravens OT, Michael Oher, and toss it into a big vat of estrogen to let it stew to the point where your girlfriend actually wants to take you to a football movie.

MORE FOOTBALL MOVIES TO MAKE YOU FEEL ALL FUZZY: ►Air Bud: Golden Receiver 1998 ►Jerry Maguire 1996 ►Little Giants 1994 ►Lucas 1986 ►Heaven Can Wait 1978 ►Gus 1976 ►The Forward Pass 1929 ►One Minute To Play 1926

░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ FAMILY FUN

SOME OLD-TIME CLASSICS THAT ARE WORTH A LOOK:

›

The Game Plan 2007 Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson joined the Calgary Stampeders in 1995 after he was passed over by the NFL. He was cut two months into the season.

►The Guy Who Came Back 1951 ►That’s My Boy 1951 ►Easy Living 1949 ►Father Was A Fullback 1949 ►Hold ’em Navy 1937 ►The All-American 1932 ►Two Minutes To Go 1921

The Blind Side: Photo by Ralph Nelson. Copyright © Warner Bros. Pictures. All Rights Reserved. Leathernecks: © Universal Picutres. All Rights Reserved. The Longshots: © MGM Home Entertainment. All Rights Reserved. The Game Plan: © Disney. All rights reserved.

spotlight

INTERVIEW BY JONATHAN STODDART

PHOTOGRAPH BY MARK G. BILODEAU

Hedley Frontman Jacob Hoggard and guitarist Dave Rosin sit down and talk about music, tattoos and Britney Spears.

When was the first time you got tattoos? JH: About 6 months after I struck fame. It’s been a gradual progression. DR: I was 17 in Prince George. And my girlfriend at the time drew a sun that I got tattooed on my foot, by a guy named Mike that might have had four or five teeth to his name, listening to Slayer. I remember my Dad being pissed off. I think it was because he wanted to get a tattoo and I beat him to the punch. How is the new album going to sound? JH: A thing that doesn’t waver too much is our lack of identity. Always a bunch of different types of songs. Instead of saying, let’s write these kind of songs, because these are the kind of songs we need to write. It’s just whatever comes out, whatever gets exciting and is stimulating as far as the creative process goes. DR: You know, there’s a couple different ways you can skin a cat. I think you should start with a good song. And I think there are songs on this record that I’ve seen in different forms, from just the basic piano demo that Jake’s had, to different versions that the band has done, to kind of having a completely different version on the record, but, like Zeppelin says, the song remains the same. But you can kind of dress it up and put a prom dress on it for one night, the next night you

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can put jogging pants on it, and it still looks hot. MuchMusic loves you guys. Why is that? JH: We have always had a good relationship from the start. We really appeal to a lot of that demographic. We’re fun guys, we like to have a lot of fun, and we go on the show, and it’s like a playground. We’ve built a pretty great relationship. It’s always fun getting texts from some of their producers. [Like] Ha, ha, we’ll be in town. DR: I guess we feel lucky to have our videos played in this day and age, when channels don’t play many videos. Videos are more probably seen online these days. Kids are sitting home, and they still want to see the bands. How do you engage your online fans? JH: We’ve been having fan challenges. We’ve actually been having kids sort of street teaming for us, on a personal level, sending in YouTube videos. We did the Cha-Ching contest where our video is kind of parodying reality TV, so we had them send in videos parodying reality TV. And then they earn points, and we send them stuff. I would love to send them a Christmas CD. DR: One thing we have done is help promote more all-ages shows. What we’ve tried to do is make sure our shows were accessible to everybody. I grew up

in a small town, and the one bar that bands played at, I couldn’t go in. What kind of music were you into when you were 16? DR: I was really into Matthew Good Band at the time, Green Day and Oasis. JH: I always listened to weird, but not cool weird music, like Neil Diamond. I started getting into blues when I was like 13. DR: I was into ZZ Top and stuff ... buying guitar magazines. JH: All my Grade 8 and 9 computer projects at school were about Bob Marley. Is it true that you opened for Bon Jovi? DR: Actually, they closed for us. What is your best Alberta memory? DR: You know what, I’d gone to Warp Tour this year, and it seemed like it was an ongoing thing for every band to try to get a circle going around the sound tent, but Jake one-upped everybody, because we played at Drench Fest this year, out on the island during the wakeboarding thing. Out in the middle of the island, Jake gets out in the canoe, and all these people are in kayaks, and he ends up getting a circle pit going with the kayaks. It was at a wakeboarding competition. To all the bands on Warp Tour 2009 ... HA! JH: I had a really great time at

the Stampede last year. I had a bunch of friends in town. Half of them got kicked out of the show while we were playing, because they were just being Zoolanders. We were leaving the grounds and the security guard in this one parking lot was asleep so we took his walkie talkie and we ran away with it, and then we were like ‘Oh my God, I need some help right away.’ They’re like, ‘Who is this? Where are you?’ And we’re like, ‘I don’t know, I can’t see. There’s blood everywhere!’ What would you guys like to talk about?. JH: Let’s talk about Britney. DR: What is Britney now? Is she the new white trash Madonna? Would you consider marrying Britney Spears? JH: No way man. She’s not my type of girl. DR: I would, yes ... pre-K.Fed. JH: No, there’s no point in Britney’s life when she was smarter. Do you like Calgary women? JH: (Spontaneously adopting a loud aristocratic English accent) I would love to take the hand of an oil baron’s duchess. I shall wed her ... and her dowry. Bring the hand of the richest oil baron’s daughter.

our thanks to Immaculate Concept Tattoo & Piercing in Calgary for letting us use their studio. ISSUE #29

girl spotting Mindy

Karuk photographed by 323PhotoGrafix.com

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? When I was younger, I always wanted to be the marine biologist at the Vancouver Aquarium, so I could spend all day around the dolphins. That would be a pretty amazing career!

What was the best trip you’ve ever been on? I would have to say going to Hedonism 3 for a photo shoot. Nothing like having the option to sunbathe in the nude and have a cold drink in the hot Jamaican sun!

Who’s your favourite UFC fighter right now? GSP all the way! He’s Canadian and that guy’s training and conditioning is top notch. It’s like watching a machine in the octagon.

If you could offer one pearl of wisdom to guys on the art of pleasing women, what would that be? Never EVER tell a girl in the bedroom that you’re going to take her to “pleasure town!”

If they were going to make a movie about your life, who would you want playing you? I’ve been told I look like Sandra Bullock ... but could I pick Megan Fox? She’s hot and, hey ... it’s my movie!

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STUCK IN A MOMENT WITH A

L A I R SE R E L L KI images

binson y bill ro oyle and Don Lasseter b y r o t s nD r Court y of Sea

erio courtes CA Sup provided nge County, Ora via the

ach of us is defined by very specific moments in our lives, whether we recognize them consciously or not. For most of us, we categorize these significant moments into the great (scoring the winning goal, kissing her for the first time) and the truly regrettable (not quitting the job and traveling, not daring to say yes). For Sean Doyle, recognizing his most defining moment has never been a challenge. Beginning with the words, “He’s got a gun!” and ending with the eventual capture of a notorious mass murderer, this 5 foot 7 former high school teacher and part time Hudson’s Bay Company security guard has never struggled to identify the most defining moment of his life. Instead, the challenge he has constantly faced since that July day back in 1985, has been to not let one specific moment define him; to attempt to be known as something more than the man who captured Charles Ng. TO THINK IT ALL STARTED WITH A $10 BET. The funny thing is, Sean Doyle wasn’t supposed to be working the day that his defining moment occurred. On Friday, July 5th, 1985, Doyle had been working his regular summer hours on internal store security at the Hudson’s Bay Company in downtown Calgary, when the security supervisor stopped by to ask him for a favour. With it being the first Saturday of the Calgary Stampede, and them being short-staffed for the weekend, Doyle was asked whether he wouldn’t mind taking a shift out on the floor. He agreed, and later in the lunchroom, Doyle told his partner George Forster that they would be on the floor together the next day. A third part time guard asked Doyle, who was 46 at the time, whether or not he was too old to be out working the floor. Never one to back down from a challenge, Doyle bet this fellow employee $10 that he would beat the man in a contest to catch the first shoplifter the following day. Thus, without realizing it, Sean Doyle was now several steps closer to his meeting with Charles Ng, an encounter that would forever change both of their lives. CHARLES NG WAS MANY THINGS; A GOOD SHOPLIFTER WAS NOT ONE OF THEM. Ng’s flight from the law began with an inept attempt to steal a vice from a South City Lumber store in San Francisco, which inevitably led to the capture of his partner in crime, Leonard Lake. Lake was arrested when police found a Ruger .22 with an illegal silencer after searching the copper coloured Honda Prelude he and Ng had been driving. A few short hours after his arrest, while Ng was hastily planning his getaway, Leonard Lake somehow managed to swallow a cyanide pill that left him in a coma. Four days later, Lake’s family agreed to take him off life support, thus fulfilling Lake’s promise that he would never be taken alive. After searching Ng and Lake’s compound just outside of Wilseyville, California, the enormity of the pair’s crimes became evident. An assortment of personal items, chunks of human bones, teeth, and even a baby’s burnt liver were found scattered about the grounds. Searching the interior of the bunker where Ng and Lake perpetrated the majority of their crimes, the police located a secret door leading to a hidden set of rooms. It was eventually discovered that one of the rooms, which could more appropriately be described as a cell, was where many of the women that Ng and Lake were thought to have murdered, were first raped, brutalized and imprisoned. In all, the deaths of 25 people, most of whom were young women, were linked to both Ng and Lake. Investigators were able to unearth buried pails containing more personal effects belonging to the victims, as well as films and journals written by Lake himself, detailing the horrendous acts of savagery that had been carried out by the two men. To this day, investigators believe in the possibility that there could be many more victims out there that may never be found.

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While police were unraveling the mystery, Ng was hastily making plans to avoid Lake’s fate. After fleeing across the United States from California to Michigan using a fake ID and $400 he had borrowed from his aunt, Ng had crossed over into Canada with the help of his friend’s brother, David Diaz. Police had initially believed that Ng had boarded a bus in Chatham heading for Toronto. In this, they were mistaken. Choosing instead to travel west, Ng headed towards Calgary where one of his sisters lived. Upon arrival in the city, Ng attempted to contact his sister. Instead of assistance, she adamantly told him that she would not help him and that he was a disgrace to the family. Without anywhere to hide, the most wanted man in the U.S. was forced to live in Fish Creek Park where he soon ran out of both food and funds. After four days, hunger drove Ng out of hiding. Making his way downtown, Ng planned on shoplifting enough food to last him several days. Some have speculated that Ng’s intention was to continue west towards Vancouver. There, he might have been able to hop a ship and return to Hong Kong where he most likely would have been able to hide for the rest of his life. MASS MURDERERS CHOOSE PEPSI. Still eager to win the $10 bet, and more importantly, the bragging rights around the staff room that came with the money, Doyle and his partner Forster headed down to the basement of The Bay, where the store sold food. It wasn’t long before the two noticed a man standing off to the side in an alcove where the bread was shelved. Doyle’s first impression of Ng didn’t have much of an impact. It wasn’t until a few moments later, when he watched this ‘shoplifter’ slip a tin of salmon into his bag, that Doyle began to take notice. “We’ve got one.” Doyle let Forster know via their radio. Forster suggested that Doyle move around back to watch the shoplifter as he watched through the store’s two-way mirrors. From his new vantage point, Doyle observed the short, stocky, Asian man choose, and then stealthily hide, a two liter bottle of Pepsi in the same bag that the salmon had disappeared into moments before.

through what was then men’s clothing but is now cosmetics when something began to feel out of sorts to Doyle. Still unaware of who the man was, and anticipating that he might attempt to run, Doyle kept a tight grip on Ng’s arm. As well as the bag that Doyle had already taken from him, Ng also had a knapsack. Doyle informed Ng that he would be taking this second bag from him as well. Defiant, Ng responded emphatically that it was his bag. In as soothing a tone as he could muster, Doyle reassured Ng that he would get the knapsack back later, all the while wondering to himself what Ng might have inside this bag that made the man put up such fierce resistance. The thought occurred to Doyle that this shoplifter had something in his bag that he didn’t want seen. As the struggle for the bag continued, Ng kept saying that he wanted his wallet. Doyle tried to reason with the man, saying that he could get his wallet when they got to the security office. Ng’s arm muscle was now twitching like crazy and Doyle was certain that things had reached a climax. Next thing, Ng is fumbling around in his bag and a second later, Forster is shouting, “He’s got a gun!”

The chilling novel “Die For Me” by Don Lasseter chronicles one of the most gruesome true crime stories of our generation.

This is an incredible book from an amazing writer, covering the blood-curdling crimes and exhausting trial. He’s kind of like Truman Capote, but without the funny voice and the raging alcoholism.

WATCHING FOR THE SIGNS. The tensing muscle in Ng’s arm was a good indicator to Doyle that the man was about to take action, but a less experienced person might not have known what to look for. Having worked security at The Bay department store for going on three years by this point, this was not Doyle’s first dangerous altercation. Many of his experiences had allowed him to be prepared when his life’s defining moment finally arrived. The twitching arm thing he’d seen before. An altercation with a different shoplifter years back had taught him what to expect. A man Doyle described as ‘big enough to eat hay’ had picked up a pair of jeans and just walked out the door. Doyle had caught up with him on the Stephen Avenue pedestrian mall. The man’s arm had twitched, right before he punched Doyle in the face.

Someone at Pepsi Cola must have heard about this, because some time after the incident, Doyle received a call from someone at the company’s head office. “Pepsi Cola Corporation was going to write a book about this. They were going to call it ‘Famous Pepsi Moments’. They called me from New York and spent hours talking to me a couple of times on the whole incident. They were going to write this book about famous Pepsi moments because he picked up a Pepsi.”

Another time, Doyle was returning from lunch when he observed a man helping himself to candy from the counter by the door before exiting the building. Turning, Doyle followed the man out. After striking up a conversation with the man, Doyle invited the candy taker to come back inside to continue the chat. With both of them sitting down in the security office, Doyle took out the arrest form and casually asked the man if he had ever been involved with the police before. Fixing the now former high school teacher with a funny look, he replied that yes, he had been involved with the police one other time.

Ng ‘procured’ a few more items before seemingly deciding that it was time for him to leave. Heading up the escalator, Ng made his way across the main floor before exiting the building onto 7th Avenue at the exit just west of 1st Street. Ng hadn’t made it far when Doyle and Forster quickly caught up with him. Flashing his badge, Doyle took Ng by the arm with one hand, while grabbing his bag with the stolen items in the other. The three men re-entered the building and were passing

Curious, Doyle pressed the candy taker for more details. “I shot a cop,” the man replied nonchalantly. Doyle almost couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You shot a cop? What do you mean you shot a cop?” During a bank job, the man had indeed shot a cop with a sawed off shotgun. A police officer had entered the bank and gone for his weapon so the candy taker had shot him. The blast blew off the officer’s ear. The man ran from the bank and the one-eared officer gave chase. The

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Investigators search for bodies at the Wilseyville, CA property [1], Leonard Lake videotaped Charles Ng forcing victim, Brenda O’Connor, to strip [2], School portrait of Sean Doyle as a teacher [3], Sean Doyle being honoured at his retirement party in 1996 [4], The ‘death-cell’ bunker at the Wilseyville, CA property [5], Ng helped construct the ‘death-call’ bunker [6],

confrontation came to an end when the officer shot the candy taker in the back. At this point, the candy taker pulled up his shirt to reveal his scar where the bullet hole had entered his body. Turning, he pulled up the front of his shirt to show where the bullet had exited his body. Doyle listened with fascination as the candy taker described the sensation of trying to hold his own guts as they poured forth from his body. The man’s story about shooting a police officer led Doyle to another branch of questioning. “You don’t have a weapon now do you?” The man nodded and pulled out a knife that had at least a nine-inch blade on it. Hesitating for only a moment, Doyle next informed the candy taker that he was actually under arrest. To his surprise, the candy taker started to laugh. He said, “that is the slickest thing I have ever seen.” More importantly, the whole issue was handled without incident. It might sound funny, but it also taught Doyle a lesson. Just keep talking to people. As long as you are talking to them, they won’t be able to think about what they can do to you. This, along with the arm-twitch lesson, had prepared Doyle for what came next with Charles Ng. Without those experiences, things might have turned out very differently indeed. THERE ARE TWO REACTIONS TO FEAR. Every time you are faced with a difficult decision, fear is present. Fear can be a motivator or it can freeze you in place. If you choose to react, you have a far better chance at survival than if you do the deer in the headlights thing. When Forster alerted Doyle to the presence of a gun, time ceased its regular pace and moved incrementally slower. Choosing to react rather than let fear freeze him, Doyle kicked out Ng’s feet while shouldering him. As the pair fell to the department store floor, Doyle reached up and grabbed the gun with both hands. His plan was to hold his hands around the trigger, thus preventing Ng from being able to shoot. As the pair fell, Ng began to knee Doyle in the back of the head. Only a few yards inside the door, Forster struggled to hold onto Ng’s powerful legs. Twice, Ng bit Doyle’s left wrist right down to the bone in an effort to get him to release his hold on the gun. Somehow, Ng managed to get his finger on the trigger and pull. The gun went off. It was ten minutes to twelve and there were was a crowd. Tourists in town for Stampede, downtown people on their lunch break; there were a lot of people inside the store. At this point, Ng started to pull the gun around. Doyle was laying on top of Ng, facing him. As the gun barrel came around, it was inching closer and closer towards Doyle’s heart. The sole question running

through Doyle’s mind was ‘who is stronger?’ Slowing the gun’s progress as best he could, the gun was an inch away from facing his heart. Desperate, the security guard pushed the gun away with his middle finger pretty much over the end of the barrel. All of a sudden, there was a bang and the gun went off again. Looking down, Doyle saw the black powder marks on his fingers and thought to himself, ‘he missed’, although at the same time, Doyle registered the fact that he felt as if he had been hit by a hammer. The second shot had caused a different reaction than the first. Doyle became suddenly angry. With the awful taste of adrenaline in his mouth, the security guard managed to pull Ng around onto his belly while continuing to lay on top of him. Reaching under and grabbing the gun from both sides, the strength from the sudden rush of adrenaline began to fade and he wondered how much he was going to have left after this. Any moment, Ng was going to get his second wind. As all three men lay there, panting for breath but still struggling, Doyle thought to himself, ‘I’m too old for this shit.’ Ng was 24 years old at this point while Doyle was 46. He wonders what he is doing at this job. He thinks about his wife, baby daughter, and two sons. A lot of scenes are flashing through his mind as he prepares for Ng to regain his strength and finish him off. Just then, Doyle sees the most beautiful scene. Shiny black boots, blue serge and a red stripe. Calgary’s finest have arrived. THE FALLOUT: PART I. During the 10 days of the Calgary Stampede, the citizens of Calgary dust off their cowboy hats and get to play cowboy and cowgirl dress up. For that brief time, the city does live up to its nickname of ‘Cowtown’. Doyle and Forster, like most other Calgarians, were wearing their cowboy hats, shirts, and buckles. As Doyle is led outside towards one of two waiting ambulances, two smiling little old ladies, tourists from out of town, begin to clap, thinking that they have just witnessed a staged drama production. Doyle is helped along by two police officers. The second ambulance is for a man who had a heart attack while witnessing the event. This part of Doyle’s defining moment is not without humour. One of Doyle’s students, who had heard about a ‘shooter’ at The Bay, has come to join the mass of onlookers. The student is stunned to see one of his teachers being led from the building by two officers of the law. The only conclusion the student can draw is that Doyle, his teacher, is the shooter in question. Once inside the ambulance, one of the paramedics asks Doyle which hospital he wants to go to. Doyle tells them he wants to go to the Grace,

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Charles Ng as a child in Hong Kong [7], Sean Doyle today [8], The missing persons flyers for the Dubs family and Paul Cosner [9].

which just happened to be a hospital for women only. Laughing, they instead took the now hero to the Holy Cross hospital where he was informed that he wasn’t to be given any anesthetic. As well as the deep bites on his left hand, and the nick to his ear, a good portion of Doyle’s middle finger had been turned into what looked like hamburger mixed with bone and tissue. They weren’t able to give him painkillers because the doctors needed to know if he could feel pain. If he couldn’t, that meant he may have gangrene, which might result in amputation. While the doctor reset the bone, an experience far more painful than being shot in the first place, all Doyle was given for the pain was a rolled up face cloth to bite on. The doctor let him know that it was worse to be shot in the hand because of all the nerve endings there. Later, while back at home, Doyle’s wife would have to wake him every two hours and pour hydrogen peroxide into the wound to keep it sterile. The peroxide bubbled as it passed through the hole in his hand, pushing new thresholds of pain. THE TEMPORARY, INADVERTANT CELEBRITY. Few people in the world can know what it feels like to have their picture on the front page of just about every major newspaper in the world. In a rush to publish the story, the Calgary Herald had described Doyle’s actions with incredible heroism. They were also inaccurate. The security guard had not chased Ng down and tackled him on the Stephen Avenue pedestrian mall. It sounded great, but it most certainly was not the truth. The next day, Doyle returned to the store for a news conference. Media from around the world were present to speak to the man who had taken down this most wanted mass murderer. When asked whether he had realized it was Charles Ng, all Doyle could do was laugh. Of course he had not known. If he had, he wouldn’t have arrested the killer for shoplifting. He would have called the police. The inadvertent hero. A real man. Celebrity was quite a novelty, but that novelty wore off pretty quick. Just a few days. The phone NEVER stopped ringing. The calls for interviews became so overwhelming, Doyle’s family escaped to his inlaw’s farm just outside Kingston, Ontario but even there, they were able to track him. At first the celebrity had been interesting, fun even. That feeling was both temporary and fleeting. The worst was yet to come. THE FALLOUT: PART II. Defining moments of this magnitude usually leave a huge impact in their wake. The weight of the pressures the incident brought about had a negative impact on his marriage. At its core, this is a story about the convergence of two men reaching their defining moments simultaneously.

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For his part, Charles Ng now sits in a California prison on death row waiting to be executed. For Sean Doyle, the legacy of that day is not so cut and dry. That fall, he went back to work at Father Lacombe High School teaching English, Social and Art, the last being his favourite. The year progressed fairly well but six months after the incident, Doyle began to experience difficulties sleeping. Every night for over a month, he continued to have a recurring dream in which Charles Ng was in a bear pit at the zoo. In his dream, Doyle had a high-powered rifle with a telescopic site. He would line Ng up and every night he would pull the trigger. He would watch as the bullet ripped into Ng’s body, the force pounding him back into the ground. Then, he would look to his left and see Ng’s mother and brother (he didn’t have a brother), and they would be staring at him. With their eyes, they would say, ‘you are no better than he is’. Some small part of Doyle wanted Ng to die for the horrific crimes he had committed; this, despite the fact that Doyle was against the death penalty. Night after night the dreams would come in unrelenting waves. After several months of this, Doyle was diagnosed with PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Only by reaching deep within himself and finding the spirituality to pray for Ng’s forgiveness, was Doyle able to escape his recurring nightmare. Despite the fact that Ng had tried to kill him, had wanted to kill him, Doyle had managed to find peace by forgiving Ng for that. AND IN THE END... Sean Doyle did not wake up the morning of July 6th, 1985, anticipating that anything momentous would occur. To him, it was just an ordinary day that turned extraordinary shortly before noon. Still, his defining moment had been thrust upon him and he has spent a good portion of the years since that time in a struggle to not let that moment define his entire being. Marcus Aurelius once wrote, ‘Time is a sort of river passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away.’ Although it is hard to imagine that Aurelius might have been referring to an event like the one Doyle faced the day he captured Charles Ng, the spirit of the quote still rings true. Doyle’s life has moved on. He still enjoys his art. He still teaches. He still makes the joke that he may have received his share of the reward money for capturing Ng, but he never received his $10 from the bet. He still thinks about the fact that one of the two 18-month-old victims found at the compound was also named Sean. And of course, Sean Doyle realizes that the events life puts in our path stay with us, while at the same time, flow right on by.

test drive

Mean Machine

DODGE VIPER SRT10 driven and reviewed by Christopher Bloomfield

It’s all relative. People develop their knowledge through either experiencing something or believing the opinion of someone else who experienced something. So whether or not someone’s knowledge is accurate when it’s based on someone else’s statement is relative to how much the other person knows about what they’re talking about. Follow me? Here’s the deal. Most people, you included, have no idea what a good handling car is. You think you do and you are prepared to yap at length in the pub about it or shoot your mouth off on the interwebs about it like you’re secretly the Stig. But you don’t. Even if you get the chance to take a Porsche, or what have you, out for a serious boot, you have nothing to compare the experience to. You only really know what you feel. And if the car feels good to you then, that car is good handling. Here’s why I’m saying this ... and it’s not just me rubbing this cool ass job in your face ... the performance of a car is relative to the person driving it. People like different things so everyone’s opinion of performance varies, and this is totally fine, but I’m saying this because the Dodge Viper is a car that over the years has developed a little bit of a bad rap. The first and one of the most important things you should know about the Viper ... it was never meant to be a Corvette. The Viper has always been more raw and unforgiving. This is where the bad rap started and I blame old men. Old men are the people who can usually afford these types of cars and although they claim that they want to buy a race car, they don’t. They want the illusion of a race

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car, one that looks like a race car but keeps them comfortable while they drive it. They just want to be able to spin the tires a little and be able to scare their wives every now and then. These old geezers are constantly comparing it to a Corvette when it was never intended to be one. The Corvette is a great car, I’ve driven a ton of them and I like them a lot, but the ‘vette is more of a sport touring car with its forgiving suspension and other amenities like soft seats and cruise control. I think we can all agree that we’d rather take a car that doesn’t follow every crack in the road and doesn’t kick our ass with its stiff suspension on a long road trip so our idea of performance is such. So these guys take a Viper out for a test and when they get back their arms are tired and their ass hurts and they feel all beat up so they bitch to everyone claiming that the car doesn’t handle well when they should be saying that they are too old and brittle and the car is too much for them. So after I thought about it for a while, something occurred to me: what would be better than having someone that’s not a hundred years old drive the Viper and see what it’s really like? So I talked to a friend of mine who actually meshes very well with this story and

test drive got started. He just sold his Corvette and bought a Viper coupe about a month ago. He decided that his ‘vette wasn’t that much fun anymore and thought that a Viper with its stock 600hp would be, so off he went. Here’s another example of what I was yapping about earlier. 600hp seems like a lot of power to you and me but that’s because we didn’t just sell our 900hp-at-the-wheels Corvette like my friend did. You see, the guy’s a bit of a speed junkie and considering that the vehicle he had before the ‘vette was a turbocharged GSZR-1000 street bike without an extended swing arm, I was keen to see what piqued his interest about the Viper. It turns out that having that much power coupled with 560 lb/ft of torque on a factory warranty is very appealing these days when you are used to blowing up things ... like rear diffs ... twice. Also, the appeal of having something that isn’t so run of the mill is there too. The car is in town now and the weather was good so we got together and took it for a drive. Getting into the Viper is tough due to the high wide door sills. These sills are where the bad rap for burning your legs comes into play because the exhaust is routed through them. Over the years they have addressed this issue and although there are warning stickers, the heat just isn’t there. The interior fit and finish is good too; many people assume that because most Dodges have shitty interiors this car would too but it’s important to understand that the Viper is in no way a regular Dodge. The seats are a tad high for a guy my height but the seat lowering kit is already on order for this one. I fire it up and out we go. As I pull up to my first red light, the first quirk becomes visible. In order to see the light I have to slouch forward to see past the low windshield line ... my passenger says “You think that’s bad? Look at this” and flips the visor down in front of me. The visor blocks the entire windshield in front of me minus a one inch space that sits just above the steering wheel. Form over function to the nth degree. We get past it and head out into traffic. The Viper cruises along at 110kph in 6th gear at idle; it’s behaving but you can tell that there is a lot of power here. I’m a little bit of a lead foot as you know so we stay in 6th for about five seconds before I drop a few gears and hit it. Let me just say this people ... if you get to drive a Viper for godssakes man! Make sure those tires are warm before you act like a douche bag! We were everywhere for a few seconds. Back under control, we head to an undisclosed location to throw the car around a bit. The steering is very tight and actually turns from lock to lock in just over one rotation. The suspension is very tight and responsive and with the ridiculously wide rubber on those 13” wide rear wheels this car sticks like glue provided you respect the power plant by tak-

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ing good care of where your right foot is. The pedals are very close together which allows for great heel-toe driving but require a much more accurate foot to prevent any accidental heel-toe driving. The Brembo brakes are awesome but like the tires, require a little bit of heating up to get the full benefit. Make no mistake; this is a race car with a license plate. From a stop, the Viper launches hard with a bit of unexpected wheel hop. Once the drive train settles, it takes off like a rocket to a reported sub 4 second 0-60mph run. After a while of scaring ourselves, we head back to our starting point and I pull into a parking spot. I know that this car is deceivingly long out front so I stop where I think I’m about two feet from the front curb. Good thing I did as when we hopped out and looked it turned out that I was about four inches from buying a new front valence. It’s important to understand that the Dodge Viper doesn’t really compete with anything; it’s too raw to be like something else. Dodge has kept true to what this car has always been and they have made sure to not lose the vehicle in the refinement. This unfortunately means that you might not think that this is a complete car. And that’s because you are spoiled and expect the computer to do all the hard work for you. If you hit the gas at the wrong time, this car will bite you and as far as I’m concerned that rocks because if you actually know how to handle a car like this, driving becomes fun again. The Viper really is the last true American muscle car. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about ... or at least I claim I do.

how to

SHARP SHOOTER

Impress the heck out of your buddies the next time you go drinking at the pub. Follow this step-by-step set up for a wicked trick shot and watch their jaws drop faster than the ﬁve balls you just sank simultaneously. But to save yourself a lifetime of jabs, you’ll want to practice this one on your own ﬁrst. Go get ’em, shark!

Step 1 Use the cueball as a “ghost” ball and place it on the rack spot. Freeze the 1 and 2 balls behind the cueball, directly in line from the left side-pocket to the far right corner-pocket. Then remove the cueball.

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Step 2 Freeze the 3 ball in front of the 2 ball. Be sure to line it up as a direct shot. It should be perfectly parallel to the long rail and perpendicular to the short rail.

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Step 3 Place the 4 ball so that it’s lined up to the right side-pocket, The sight line should come from directly behind the 3 ball. Notice that the 4 ball is not frozen to the 3 ball. A small gap must be left.

Step 4 Lining up the 5 ball is a little tricky. Freeze the 5 ball to the 3 ball, but the sight line should be such that the immediate tangent line is set to approximately ¼ distance from the far left corner-pocket to the first rail marker.

Step 5 Place the cueball on the headstring so that it’s lined up for a direct shot on the 5 ball coming from the inside edge of the near left corner-pocket. Hit the cueball full on with a slight top shot and watch the magic!

coffee break GETTING STRUNG OUT

Try this Tarantino-themed variation of a crossword puzzle. We’ll leave out the heroin though. 18

15 25

14 8 31 3

1 1 19

13 4

28 32

23 11

How To Play: Each of the answers have letters overlapping with both the word preceding and the word following. The numbers indicate the beginning of the next word ... but not necessarily the end of the preceding word ... so watch out. Good luck! 1.

Jack ______ Slims

John ________

Quentin _________

“____ Ishii”

“The Groom” actor – Chris ______

“Hattori Hanzo” actor _____ _____

Ellis Williams’ occupation in “Jackie Brown”

17. Quincy Jones TV theme

“_________ Dogs”

“Stuntman Mike” actor – Kurt _______

19. Q.T.’s character in “From Dusk Till Dawn”

12. Q.T. directed a segment in “Four _____” 13. Q.T. played “Pringo” in “_______ Western Django” 14. One movie split in two 15. “Joe Cabot” actor ________ Tierney 16. Robert Rodriguez film

20. “PFC Omar Ulmer” actor ____ Doom

10. Samuel _. _______ 11. “Jackie Brown” cinematographer – Guillermo _______

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30. Chuck Berry “twist” song

22. “El Mariachi” sequel

31. “O-Ren” actress ____ ___

23. Vic Vega’s colour 24. “Sgt. Donny Donowitz” actor - ___ ____ 25. Uma _______ 26. Chris Penn in “True Romance”

32. Co-produced “Reservoir Dogs” and “Pulp Fiction” 33. The bad guys in “Inglourious Basterds”

27. The “torture scene” song

34. “Mr. Pink” actor _____ _______

28. “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon” cover band

35. DEA agent “Ray Nicolette” actor - _______ Keaton

29. Q.T. played “Deacon” in ______ _____

36. “__. ____ Raine”

ANSWER: RabbiTravolTarantinOReNelSonnyChiBartendeReservoiRusselLJacksoNavarRoomSukiyaKillBilLawrencElMariachIronSidewindeRichardGeckOmaRodneyDangerfielDesperadOrangEliRoThurmaNickyDimeStuckInTheMiddleWithYoUrgeOverkilLittleNickyYouNeverCanTelLucyLiUnGermanSteveBusceMichaeLtAldo

18. Budd’s “Viper” alias

21. Mallory’s dad

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parting shot

Olya

Haidner photographed by 323PhotoGrafix.com

Born: Height: Body:

February 13, 1981 5’ 5” 34D - 25 - 36

Favourite sport to watch? I’m a big fan of gymnastics. Svetlana Khorkina is my favourite, by far. Gymnastics require a lot of physical strength, flexibility, agility, coordination, balance and grace. And she’s an amalgam of all of those attributes.

Sex or chocolate? I’d choose sex any day. It combats stress, makes me happy and it’s great exercise.

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