A Beautiful Mess

by Jessica Prukner

The other day I pulled out and dusted off the bulging, ratty, colorful school keepsake books to add the year-end “last day of school” photo and compare it with the “first day of school” photo. The changes in just one school year are unbelievable when placed side by side. I made a commitment when the kids were in preschool to update their school keepsake books annually, no excuses. My mom had done a wonderful job of keeping all of my report cards, awards, and memories from my childhood; I so very much enjoyed strolling down memory lane that I wanted to make sure that even if my kids didn’t have school system yearbooks, I would continue the tradition.

I remember purchasing these books like it was yesterday. The front cover has little windows for each grade level’s school picture and a big window in the center for their senior picture. The books were so thin and crisp; they cracked when I opened each page. Through the years, we have answered the questions on each page, documenting their favorite subjects, teachers, sports activities, and friends, as well as their height, age, and how they wrote their names. Such sweet memories. Now I notice there are so few pages left to fill and only a few empty windows on the cover of these once completely empty books. Oh, where has the time gone?

As we near the end of the school year and also the soonto-be end of their K-12 education, my kids have started to have mandatory testing required for certain lifenexts, such as college. My oldest is now registered for the ACT and starting her studies, and my other middle schoolers were required to take standardized testing for the first time this year due to our state regulations. Very early on, at the beginning of our homeschool journey, I was so worried I was messing up their education that I had administered standardized tests by choice. But once a few years passed showing they were at or even above their age of learning expectations, I found peace in the process of what I was doing as their mom and educator and haven’t thought of these tests since. Sure, my kids take tests in their homeschool co-op classes and online math courses, but these tests seemed a little more rigid, serious, and long.

I didn’t think much of it, but my middle schoolers had a bit of anxiety going into these tests that kind of threw me off-guard. Both did well and scored where I had expected them to, but one kid had some tears after seeing the score compared to the other kids who had tested in her age group. As her mom, I was immediately upset that she was upset. As an educator, I understood the purpose of these tests, but I realized again the importance of my choice to homeschool the kids through the years. This silly standardized test that only covered two sections, English and Math, had no idea who my kid was, how she interacted in the world, her strengths and weaknesses, or the ability to ‘test’ anything else that mattered in life, such as her character, integrity, morals, or interaction with the world. At that moment, I was able to turn a sad moment into a teaching lesson.

Tests are part of life; they can be administered by teachers or even given by God. We can learn a lot from them and use them to understand certain lessons or areas of life where we may be struggling and can use some more help or assistance; but tests don’t label us. Tests cannot determine our worth or who God says we are.

I grew up in a household where I was always striving for perfection. I wanted the 4.0, the A+, the scholarships, the accolades, to be the teacher’s pet; I had self-worth issues, and I was working to fill that void by the labels I could earn to tell me that I was “good enough.” My kids have never known their grades, GPA, or who was the teacher’s pet. They have had the ability and gift of spending their entire education so far just showing up and being the best version of themselves each day. They have been able to focus on themselves as a whole person, not just for a test grade or a report card score. Have each one of my kids struggled? Absolutely! And I have found tutors and speech therapists for their individual needs and struggles along the way. Thankfully, these moments of weakness were never really felt or exacerbated due to some system of grading or placement that is put on kids at such early ages in the school system.

I just wanted them to love God, love people, and be confident in who they were in Christ.

So, if you are like me—a perfectionist at heart—and you have been homeschooling your kids for years or are just starting, know that you can find peace that the test scores and placements don’t matter. Their hearts matter. Their souls matter. The way they interact in this world with God’s people matters. I honestly believe that if you get all these things right, then God will take care of the rest. I can say this because, as my oldest is now “needing” the scores and tests to advance in life, they are there, coming in where we need them to be.

Early on, when I was looking for a tutor to help with some of my kids’ struggles, I remember coming home with all these options; one of them was very expensive, extensive, and professional. I was all ready to sign them up. Of course I wanted the best for them. I remember my husband and me having a bit of a heated disagreement and he said something I will never forget. He asked me what type of kids we were trying to raise. He asked if we were trying to raise valedictorian geniuses who were out to get the best scores and be the top of their class or good kids who learned about the world around them and loved God and people. That’s when I knew. If my kids ended up being some out-of-thisworld genius, great. But I wasn’t going to push them to become something that required them to wear a label of perfection. I just wanted them to love God, love people, and be confident in who they were in Christ.

Ten-plus years later as we fill the last few pages of their books with grades, test scores, and photos, I am glad to say we chose the second option, and they have turned out to be absolutely fantastic and exactly who God wants them to be! We get one chance at this thing called life; make sure we are making the best choices for our kids and not the choice that the world and mainstream is pushing us towards.