FANTASIA 2022

By C. Jones

Step once more into a world of color and imagination with Fantasia 2022. The beloved franchise is back again to amaze the child in us all, but this time with the popular music of today! This breathtaking marriage of sight and sound is sure to dazzle. Keep reading for an exclusive sneak peek into some of the segments.

Faults Unknown — This cartoon, set to the classic hit “Under Pressure” by Queen, spotlights the tumultuous romance between two tectonic plates. Will they form mountains or valleys? What exactly did he do to “rub her the wrong way”? Will their tension cause a quake strong enough to swallow entire cities into the gaping fiery maw of the mantle below? This earthshattering piece will give your mind aftershocks for days to come.

Skeletal Sadness — Set to selected works of Phoebe Bridgers, this poignant animation follows five “bone-chilling” skeletons as they struggle to confront the deeply embedded emotional trauma of their past. Drawn in an excruciatingly slow 12 frames per second, this short forces you to consider the skeletons in your own closet.

Staying a Fry (Cook) — With the Bee Gees’ “Stayin Alive’’ as its backdrop, this John Henry-esque tale follows a man and his struggle against the automation of his beloved fast food chain. Watch as man and machine both drop frozen fries into scalding grease and remove them three minutes and ten seconds later. Is cooking something that requires humanity? What happens when the man discovers how his beloved frozen fries are manufactured prior to delivery?

Deadlines — Scored by Steve Lacy’s “Bad Habit” (the pitched-up TikTok version), this short explores the process of a team of animators struggling to balance artistic vision with corporate pressures to produce. Our heroes must confront their greed-fueled megacorporation personified by a rabid, six-foot-tall hamster. The streaming service demands a constant flow of fresh material, but the team is determined to fight for a quality product. How can the artists dodge the conniving rodent’s surveillance, given its knowledge of the studio air vents? Will they succeed in their valiant efforts or succumb to the trend of recycling beloved concepts into rushed, underdeveloped fodder for the masses?

Top 5 Lights

So you like lights, huh? Well, I know a thing or two about lights. The name? Alf. The game? 40 years of work in the big pictures as a lighting designer and Judy Garland’s uppers guy. Ol’ Judy was actually one of my first customers. One day when I was working on the set of Oz, she asked me, “Gee whiz mister, do you have a light?” and I responded, “Oh boy, do I.” I gave her the following list and a major dose of amphetamines and the rest is history.

ARRI 650W Fresnel Compact 3-Light Kit — Once described as Macklemore if he were a light, these lights are so bright they’ll leave you thinking, “uh oh, is this the Rapture?” Noted for a smooth, cool, even flow, these bad boys are the crème de la crème of the big screen. Don’t worry, these fixtures of filmmaking are ribbed for her pleasure and to keep the main lighting unit cool. Talk about feminism in the film industry!

LE LED Flashlight LE1000 High Lumens, Small and Extremely Bright Flash Light, Zoomable, Water Resistant, Adjustable Brightness for Camping, Running, Emergency, AAA Batteries Included — Found this bad boy sporting a competitive 4.83 star rating on Amazon. Haven’t left the house without it since. Have you ever been chased by a bear while out camping? Neither have I, for “legal reasons.” But if you do find yourself staring down the maw of an 800-pound grizzly, I bet you wish you had AAA batteries and a zoomable flashlight. Thank me later.

The Sun — An oldie, but a goodie. This all-time classic is 4.6 billion years and counting. Especially great for when you are driving between the hours of 4 and 5 PM and need to be aggressively blinded such that you get into a freak accident with a chartered bus full of the U.S. women’s gymnastics team and find yourself facing a twenty thousand-dollar lawsuit, the disappointment of a nation, and one very annoyed Simone Biles. If you thought she flipped at the Olympics, you should see her in settlement court.

My cousin Jeremy, he’ll light you up real good — 706-4359333. Give him a call.

The holy light of the blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of God, descending with the heavenly host upon 1000 years of terror and war to support her blessed son the King of Kings as he battles Lucifer in the final conflict of good and evil — Uh oh…that’s not the ARRI 650W Fresnel Compact 3-Light Kit, it’s the Rapture. And looks like you’ve been left behind. It’s just you, Ashley Tisdale, and Derek from Sig Nu. Good luck.

Graphic footage from the infamous Italian snuff films of the 1970s.

Steven Spielberg is forced to break out the megaphone when an actor’s ego interferes with his direction.