Co Stars Who Were Definitely Fucking

by B. Kubovy-Weiss

Celebrity romances are often sparked on set. But how can one be sure which are real and which are just PR stunts to promote the failing media industry? As a real insider with many years of experience in the biz, I’m here to give you an inside look into the real dynamic duos who kept up that dynamism behind the scenes.

1.-Wallace and Gromit from Wallace and Gromit

I mean the picture really says it all, but I’ll elaborate. Hiccup looks like the kinda guy that would say “I love you” 4 minutes into missionary. And Toothless? No teeth? Sounds pretty ideal when it comes to sexual scenarios for a vanilla kid like Hiccup, don’t you think? Not only that but he is literally training this dragon. That’s some classic Freudian shit you’d hear in discussion section. FILM 654 / PHIL 234: How to Train your Castration Anxiety is coming to an HQ classroom near you Spring 2023.

tall? He must be hiding something under there. Sure, TMITYH–– whose real name is Ted Shackelford, (Shackelford, I mean, are you kidding me?) –– was like a father figure to George, but doesn’t that just make it hotter? If I had a titillating little monkey calling me ‘Mommy’ and hanging from my long, lanky limbs, I too would be so overjoyed that I would forget I wore the same fugly yellow outfit every day.

6. Dora and Boots from Dora

Ah, Wallace and Gromit. A duo as old as time. Look at that button nose on Gromit, that little cutie. Look at their eyes, how they peer into your soul. And the smile on that pervert Wallace. Are you kidding me? You know they’ve seen –– and done –– some weird claymation shit.

2. Han Solo and Chewbacca from Star Wars

4. Finn the Human and Jake the Dog from Adventure Time

You know how at the end of every episode of Dora when Dora and Boots would go over their favorite parts of the trip? Well, they lied every single time. Their favorite parts of the trip were never stopping Swiper or picking berries or whatever normie shit they would claim. Nah, they were absolutely going at it on those journeys. And some days even Benny the Bull got in on the action. That hot piece of ass. I’d ring his bell any time.

7. Mr. Popper and his pen-

You really think Han never took a walk on the wild side? Never used his Force with that utterly sensuous beast? Luke Skywalker this, Han Solo that, Chewbacca is far, far and away the hottest character in the Star Wars franchise and if Han didn’t “I am your father” him, then that was his loss.

3. Hiccup and Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon

The theme song literally says, “With Jake the Dog and Finn the Human / the fun will never end / Adventure Time,” and I’m supposed to believe those two kept it in their pants? Hell, Jake doesn’t even have pants to keep it in. If I were Finn I would have ripped the yellow fur right off that hunk-ajunk Jake.

5. The Man in the Yellow Hat and Curious George from Curious George

His name was Popper. ‘Nuff said.

Look, not all of them are going to have relationships that fit into your narrow vision of what’s acceptable, ok? Some of us are into some more hardcore shit. I would literally pay to have that sexy chondrichthyan take a bite outta me. Grow up.

I mean just how curious was good ole George? And why was that man’s hat so

WHY WON’T FILMS ACCEPT MY PRODUCT PLACEMENT PITCH?

I’m Wendell, proud but humble owner of Wendell’s Waterproof Finger Ascots™. My products, you see, they’re ascots, but for your fingers. And they’re waterproof, too. My product could really just use the high-profile exposure of a Hollywood blockbuster to make it big.

For some reason, it’s been almost impossible to get my preppy finger scarves much screen time. But I guess that’s why they say, “Show business is tough, but the business of promoting upscale finger accessories in show business is even tougher.” Here are just a few of the eight thousand movies that suffered from a lack of Wendell’s Waterproof Finger Ascots™, even if the Hollywood bigwigs didn’t think so.

Scooby-Doo: Curse of the Lake Monster — Fred laid out the blueprint of a respectable neck ascot wearer. Except, as the New York Times critic noted, he would’ve been even more respectable, and undoubtedly would’ve gotten more action with Daphne, if he had miniature, matching liquidresistant ascots adorning his fingers.

Planet Earth — The migratory patterns of birds? BORING!

The migratory patterns of birds with devilishly handsome ascots tied around their talons? Now that would give David Attenborough something to talk about.

The Lord of the Rings trilogy — I knew I had a chance with this movie when I heard the team was looking for a portable and chic finger accessory to structure the trilogy around. The execs at New Line Cinema almost agreed to this deal but pulled out at the last minute to sign with Tiffany & Co instead. Now I have about 20 posters for The Fellowship of the Ascot and nowhere to put ‘em. The Hunger Games — The bare-fingered characters in this movie love making weird hippie three-finger peace signs, but they always seem so sullen doing so. Luckily, as the two customer reviews on my Etsy page can attest, Wendell’s Waterproof Finger Ascots™ instill an immediate sense of joy and purpose in all wearers.

Jaws — When I first learned of this movie, I was dismayed to hear of a shark munching on unfashionable beachgoers that contain absolutely no soluble fiber. Not only do our finger ascots remain intact for up to 30 minutes in ocean water, but in the spirit of nourishing our marine life, the fabric is also GMO-free and made from 100% whole-grain oats.

But thanks to our persistence and unshakeable faith in our product, one project finally decided to feature our line. I’m sure you remember all of our scenes in Rocky. That’s right. Stallone was decked out in tiger print finger ascots underneath his boxing gloves the whole time. Our lack of visibility was obviously just a simple oversight on the production team’s part and does not speak to the quality of Wendell’s Waterproof Finger Ascots™.

— D. Lilly