WORST PERFORMANCES IN MOVIE HISTORY

Acting is the single most important profession in the United States of America. When a politician or a firefighter messes up, people merely die. When an actor makes a mistake, millions of lives are ruined, the economy collapses, and Netflix shoots an angel. Here are the five worst performances in movie history that can also be linked to a 15% increase in divorce rates:

4. James Corden as Bustopher Jones in Cats — The two things that unite Americans are their distaste for British people and their distaste for cats. In a truly horrific performance, James Corden manages to give a compelling argument for the euthanization of all cats, Brits, and film lovers. Corden’s acting choices clashed with the directorial vision for the production. So, despite his uncanny ability to look and act like a 44-year-old furry who lives in his parents basement, Corden’s performance didn’t quite land and audiences were left wanting more emotion from his flat delivery. Surprisingly, Queen Elizabeth reportedly loved Corden in Cats . Maybe she had a soft spot for selfcentered, overly emotional British people with no perceivable talent. Maybe Corden had blackmail on her with any of the various royal family scandals, or maybe the late queen wanted to play one last trick on the world before she passed. Regardless, Corden’s objectively abysmal performance lands him at number five on this distinguished list.

3. Idris Elba’s daughter as Idris Elba’s daughter in Beast — Idris Elba’s daughter Isan was rejected from the role of Idris Elba’s daughter in the movie Beast . Elba claimed that she was rejected because “the chemistry wasn’t right.” This isn’t even satire, Elba’s daughter was genuinely so bad at acting that she couldn’t even land a role as herself. Take that, nepo babies.

2. Kevin Spacey as a normal, non-creepy person — Kevin Spacey has an undeniable talent for playing someone who gives you the creeps. His performance as Frank Underwood in House of Cards was spectacular, as he perfectly managed to encapsulate his character’s flagrant disregard for other people’s boundaries. However, Spacey couldn’t recreate his success in his next role as a well-adjusted human man. Something just felt off.

1. Neil Armstrong in the Moon Landing — In this typecast role, Armstrong should have shined with ease. However, Armstrong appears lost and uncertain of himself in this sci-fi thriller. While some may say that Armstrong’s confusion made Moon Landing look more real, it actually reveals a lack of commitment and experience. Critics believe this widely-viewed dud of a performance is why Armstrong never landed another big role and was forced into an early retirement.

— T. Varghese

Making Movies Is Easy

Making movies sure is easy. Easier than writing a satire article, for sure.

— B. Hollander-Bodie

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