Behind the Scenes Snapshots of Movie History

We at the Record spent hours researching what really happens on a film set so you don’t have to. Here are some of the shocking tidbits we found:

The Zodiac Killer is unmasked on live television.

The production team of Annie Hall squishes the cast with their enormous thumbs to avoid paying royalties after their box-office success.

Bartlemebus the ape is finally allowed to act without hiding his real face.

I’M 2 FAST AND I’M 2 FURIOUS

After 27 installments of the series, I’ve officially had it with this Fast and Furious nonsense. Every time I cross the street I’m gripped with terror not of a crash, but that some burly muscle-bound hunks will try to teach me the meaning of family. When will the public say that enough is enough?

There aren’t actually 27; that was a lie. But I bet you believed it. There have actually only been 15.

Another lie. But there have been 10, and that’s the horrifying truth.

I don’t care for that bald Vin Diesel fellow or his even balder buddy Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Not one bit. They oughta stop stealing hard-earned cheddar from the pockets of honest Americans with their shameless money grabs. Nobody from the film industry has the nerve to stand up to the cast, claiming that the stars are “2 Fast, 2 Furious” to be stopped. Thankfully, I’m here to provide seven foolproof strategies to finally put us out of our misery.

1. Kill Vin Diesel.

2. Kill The Rock.

3. Start a mass campaign of strongly-worded letter-writing to Universal Pictures.

4. Enforce better fuel efficiency regulations in the F&F universe.

5. Kill Paul Walker.

6. Sow discontent between The Rock and Vin Diesel by making them compete in a bald-off.

7. With gas prices what they are, they must be netting a loss already. Let’s see how Fast and Furious: Public Transportation does in theaters.

A. Cramer

Rejected Ideas For New Muppets

The 2011 blockbuster hit The Muppets is one of the most widely acclaimed movies of all time. But did you know that the writers cut several Muppets from the movie during pre-production? Here are our favorite Muppets that didn’t make it in.

Charles Koch — Who wouldn’t want a co-founder of the Cato Institute as a Muppet? Those jackass, liberal directors it seems. Koch was cut from the lineup only a week before production started.

Ron Paul — A true Renaissance man! The Muppets would have been immensely more popular had they kept him in the movie, but his critical views on the Federal Reserve made him unpopular with the George-Soros-backed producer.

Rand Paul — First elected to Congress while The Muppets was being produced, Rand has always been a friend of the libertarian community. He fights for the little guy. He knows taxation is theft. He supports the government staying out of our goddamn business. Fired as a result of poor hygiene on account of all the lice in his curly hair.

Randy Paul —This Muppet was a cheery singer-songwriter who instilled kids with a love of music through his heartful and catchy songs about the power of friendship. He was cut due to fears that young audiences could not distinguish him from Ron Paul and Rand Paul. Unfortunately for Randy, the other Pauls were later edited out.

Jo Jorgensen — Who better to include than the first female libertarian presidential candidate? Though at the time she was relatively unknown, she was still too much of a mover and a shaker to be shown on the big screen. The big Hollywood liberals edited her out of the final cut in a futile attempt to stop her rise to fame.

Jacob — Originally imagined as the adopted son of Bert and Ernie following their marriage in the movie, Jacob was cut as a result of budget constraints and polling among sample audiences that indicated unease with the idea of a homosexual couple adopting a child.

— S. Hakani