Coming to Theaters in 2024

Home Alone 7 is coming to theaters in suburban towns with schools with a large Parent-Teachers Association presence. In this most recent installment of the Home Alone saga, watch Kevin McCallister become an empty nester. In a shocking turn from Home Alone 6, Kevin suddenly stops bitching about his kids and starts texting them every damn moment –– little messages, “What are you doing, sweetie?” and “How are your classes?” The film is expected to be a smash hit in the 45-65 demographic, but when college-aged audiences were asked for their thoughts, the dominant opinion was, “I don’t know, Mom, get a life.”

– Z. Halaban

It’s the same Will Hunting you know and love, except instead of searching for his life’s purpose on the chalkboards of MIT, he’s searching for the perfect trophy buck to bring back to Southie. Robin Williams reprises his role as the inspirational mentor figure, guiding Will as he navigates the complicated woodlands of Cross Timbers, Texas. From unwanted mathematical potential to PETA’s Most Wanted, you won’t want to miss Matt Damon’s riveting performance as the new and improved Will Hunting in Good Will Hunting if Will Hunting Were Good at Hunting!

*In response to unanticipated backlash from animal rights activists, production has been greenlit for a more environmentally-conscious third installment of the franchise, Good Will Hunting if Will Hunting Were Good at Goodwill Hunting

In this stunning conclusion to the God’s Not Dead saga, God Himself dies in a fiery car crash caused by a drunk driver. The film covers the dramatic events that follow, as upstanding small-town Christians mourn the loss and try to enforce God’s dying wishes to allocate all the world’s lands and wealth to them. Unfortunately, big-city lawyers are unwilling to give Christians what they were bequeathed in God’s “Last (Will &) Testament,” blasphemously claiming that God never even owned the Earth in the first place. Join a small band of true believers as they reassert the (former) power of God and try to find justice in an increasingly secular and Satanic world.

– B. Hollander-Bodie

Frozen III, directed by that girl from your high school who was always a little too into the school musical, is coming to theaters near you in early 2024. Rejoin your favorite spunky Scandinavian sisters on the big screen (notably missing fan favorite Olaf, who could not withstand increasing temperatures and thawed six months before production) as they face a brand-new challenge. When rising ocean levels return their parent’s boat that “sunk” back to land, Elsa and Anna must deal with a reassessment of their characters. How will both girls face their identities shaped by chronic isolation and being orphaned at a young age? Will the young royals retain audience sympathy now that their sob story has been stolen from under them?

CLASSIC MOVIE LINES YOU DIDN’T KNOW WERE IMPROVISED

Nobody’s stealing a living like Hollywood writers. Those who can’t act, sing, and those who can’t sing, write. Or don’t write. All your favorite lines were improvised by the actors –– the ones with the actual talent. Check out these examples if you don’t believe me!

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” (The Wizard of Oz, 1939) Judy Garland saw a billboard reading “Kansas City” and assumed she had crossed the border into Missouri. The dog playing Toto pointed out to her that there’s a Kansas City, Kansas as well, but Garland was unconvinced.

“Bond. James Bond.”(Dr. No, 1962 ) Sean Connery momentarily forgot his character’s first name.

“No, I am your father.” (Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, 1980) James Earl Jones was feeling experimental that morning, and decided to attempt a weird, unexpected porno pivot midway through the shooting of this scene. Unfortunately, Mark Hamill was slow on the uptake and failed to reply, “Daddy?” to keep things moving.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”(Gone with the Wind, 1939) Ever-irreverent, Clark Gable’s Rhett

Butler dismissed the set assistant’s concern that his moustache resembled “a scraggly penciled line, rather than the impressive, masculine whiskers we’d expect from a charismatic Casanova like yourself.”

“Why so serious?” (The Dark Knight, 2008) Heath Ledger took this moment to express serious artistic disagreements with director Christopher Nolan’s tonal choices. Rumour has it that Ledger’s attempt at a three-minute operatic interlude, an attempt to “pitch this movie to the gallery as well as the pit,” can still be found on the cutting-room floor.

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.”(Blade Runner, 1982) No idea what Rutger Hauer was going for here, to be honest. He just popped a tab of LSD and started rambling. Ridley Scott reported, “We didn’t have any film left for a reshoot, but, hey, it sounded pretty cool, right?”

— A. Tawakley

Secret Steps To Making A Movie

1. Hire a cast of spare actors to simulate the plot to see if it makes sense.

2. Collect props by sneaking into museums around the country after hours and filling your backpack with vases.

3. Use the budget you saved on vases to buy one hundred monkeys and ninety-nine typewriters. The single ape that gravitates towards Final Draft instead will be your writer.

4. Lure in an A-lister for the project using your impressive collection of antique vases (this notably works on Willem Dafoe).

5. Loose the remaining monkeys on the museums you already robbed to create a distraction from the missing ceramics.