Deep-London June 2009

deep online at: www.deep-london.co.uk • www.issuu.com • facebook • www.myspace.com/wiredmag • @bonsai_editor Hello there... ...and welcome to issue 72. As you may have gathered, this is our 6th Birthday issue. Wow. To celebrate, we’ve done something unprecedented; because we’re sick of people having a pop when they’re wrong even though no bugger responsible ever lets us know they’ve changed, we’ve (read: I’ve) spent ages (AGES!) running through all the weekly listings, adding, updating and deleting them accordingly, so they should, at least for this month - I’m not going to say spot on because the day that happens will be the day I crumble into dust - but at least more up to date. Double wow. AND we think, WE THINK, we’ve managed to organise a birthday party, although details weren’t finalised when we went to print so you’ll have to check the deep-london facebook page for details as they appear.

Triple wow with bloody great bells on, unless it all falls through in which case it’s business as usual...

Traditionally at this time of year we have a look at the child development website to see what we should now be able to do (although, judging by the small children I know, what they mainly do is act as plaguecarriers). Six year olds, it transpires, ‘go through a period of noncompliance‘. Check! Next! ‘Six year olds can recognise and write numbers up to 20, recognise and write the alphabet, recognise and sort by shapes and patterns, be able to retell a story’. Oh dear. We’re working on it, especially the last one. It also says six year olds ‘still need at least 10 hours of sleep a night’. Chance would be a fine thing. Oh, and it says something about six year olds being messy and leaving stuff all over the place but we’ll draw a discreet veil over that one...

Anyway, eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that we’ve gone and done another special-type issue for you this month, mostly revolving around the sport of Kings and also, it would appear, Editors, as we’ve managed to get some junket tickets to the Derby, where I fully expect to be thrown out / arrested for some footling fracas involving the Queen.

Look out for me on the telly on the 6th. As it turns out, in one of those happy coincidences which happen here at deep villas on a frighteningly regular basis, sunny Croydon has an illustrious racing history, with the old Metropolitan Steeplechase at Croydon Racecourse (which shut in 1890 boo!) being at one point the second most famous race in the world, after the Grand National. So there you go, entertaining and informative. We aim to please. Anyway, have a squizz at our racing special pages to get a handle on where you should be putting your gee-gee money. My Derby pick, if anyone cares, will probably be Sea The Stars, if only because it won last time I backed it. But that’s by the by, you’ll find lots of horsey related stuff, as well as the usual rubbish you’ve been enduring for six years, all in this marvellous organ. Hurrah!

And with that I’m off to buy a ‘formal day dress’, whatever that is, for mine and Colonel Razzo’s (incidentally, special commendation to The Colonel for possibly the finest opening sentence ever to appear within these pages in the Derby preview article) aforementioned racing jolly, yes, really - the wow-o-meter should at this point have exploded and taken half the universe with it. Until next month then, pip-pip, avanti, allons-y and come on number six you donkey!

Angela x x x x x x

your bonsai editor 1

June 2009 Issue Seventy Two Contact Us: editor: angela ferrara tel: 07910 506197 / 020 8680 3558 e: angela@deep-london.co.uk staff and contributors: mystic mike, auntie may, lazy-boy, geoff lyons, nick booth, martin o miles, rushton smutty croydonhello! editor: nick razzo e: hello@deep-london.co.uk advertising sales: call angela on 07910 506197 or e-mail angela@deep-london.co.uk publishing & design: deep-london web hosting: europahost, 94 southbridge road, south croydon, CR0 1AF, tel: 0845 644 1484. www.europahost.net random thanks: jean, tony, marie, jamie; everyone who’s contributed, helped, advertised in or otherwise supported the magazine over the last six years - cheers!

Special thanks this month to Jenny Gunston!

happy birthday: moo-ma, us, paul, gary, raquel, anna, richard, stephen, geoff, matthew, nick, jayne, chris, matt, dan, sara, ‘tash, ben, caroline, adrian, samantha congratulations: joe and hannah shepherd

GET YOUR EVENT LISTED: e-mail: ANGELA@ DEEP-LONDON.CO.UK what’s on listings are absolutely free!

Last date for inclusion in July issue -

23 June 2009

JUNE 2009

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THIS MONTHS FEATURES: Brighton Races The Derby

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10

27 18 24

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Deep Guide To Punting

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Runners and Riders

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Krafty Kuts

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Sims Tattoos

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St Mark’s Players

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The Agony

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CROYDONHELLO!

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Ladbrokes’ Jody Loane Dawn James Undercover Love Puffs

28 30 33 34

Month In Pix

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Wrong Way Round

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News Hound

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Coulsdon History

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Stars

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LISTINGS: What’s On Guide 3

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If you want views, booze, racing thrills, history and the chance to win some lolly, Brighton Races has the lot, says NICK BOOTH.

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D

eep magazine is always on the look-out for fun experiences that it can recommend to you, O gentle reader.

So, as part of our Derby preview we thought we’d scout out an afternoon at Brighton races - just an hour away from our fair town - and it turns out that seeing the gee-gees run at Brighton is a damn splendid thing.

Since we’re talking about

gambling, I would make a bet that Brighton Races must be regarded as one of the most picturesque in England. When you’re facing the track and look left you face the noble prospect of the south downs, turn right and you see the blue immensity of the English Channel. The course snakes in between, dipping and rising on its seaward journey.

I am a racing fan, a student of the

Turf, but so many people are not, and it’s hard to understand why the sport of kings is starting to fade from the collective consciousness. Not so long ago it was nothing short of a national pastime, a fact borne out by how much racing slang and terms permeate our language: ‘What’s the SP?’, ‘odds-on favourite’, ‘jockeying for position’, ‘fell at the first’, ‘coming into the home straight’ etc.

The street corner bookie, the jockey and the famous racehorse (Three time Grand National winner Red Rum used to open supermarkets) were all stock figures in English culture. Less so now. I don’t know why. Possibly because of the widespread misapprehension that it is cruel to horses. Jump racing may possibly be cruel in some circumstances, but Flat racing certainly isn’t. It’s fun, exciting - and occasionally profitable.

But back to Brighton races, immortalised by Graham Greene in his novel Brighton Rock. In Greene’s day the Brighton track was a byword for trouble: the pre-war razor gangs who operated protection rackets. This is all long gone, but gives the place an agreeable sense of history and place. It was also frequented by a colourful

at Brighton, so you can have a drink while looking at the runners in the next race. It also has the most terrific view over Brighton and the surrounding area. It is so high up it gives you an almost plane-like view.

Once the runners have been walked round the paddock several times, the jockeys, who all look like nine-year-old boys at a fancy dress party, hop up on these mighty animals and gun them up the track towards the stalls. This is almost as splendid as when they come racing back down again.

Races at Brighton are not much more than a mile and this distance takes the horses out of sight for the first portion of the race, but you can follow their progress on a large TV monitor opposite the grandstand. But soon the colourful cavalry charge rounds the

A day at Brighton races is about fun, sport, suspense and the timeless pleasures of having fun by the sea character known as Ras Prince Monolulu, a West Indian horse tipster who dressed in outlandish clothes (he described himself as being “dressed as a prize rabbit”) and sold tips to the crowds. He claimed to be chief of a tribe in Abbyssinia but was in fact from St Croix in the Caribbean. His fame as a tipster rested on his picking out of a horse called Spion Kop in the 1920 Derby and winning the colossal (for those days) sum of eight thousand pounds. His catchphrase was ‘I Gotta Horse!’ and it’s still used to this day as the title of a column in the Racing Post.

Like most entertaining things in life, a day at Brighton races is really quite simple. You get off the train, wait for the free bus up to the track, buy a racing card from the venerable old steward on the bus, disembark and find the bar, slurp a Guinness and start looking at the race notes. Soon, the horses entered for the first race are led round the show paddock and the independent bookies on the rails are barking up a trade: “get on early, eachway taken…” It’s so much more exciting and engaging than racing on the telly.

When you see a racehorse for real you are struck by what extraordinary animals they are. Like humans, they each seem possessed of individual character and sometimes intelligence; which is surprising since their brains are not much bigger than a golf ball.

There is a bar above the parade ring

corner for the home straight, which culminates in a fierce uphill run. The crowd’s shouts for their chosen horse reach a peak and then they’re past you, in a smear of colour with the thrum of hooves on turf. Winners queue at the bookies stands; losers screw up their slips and head to the bar to discuss what the good thing is in the next race.

More Guinness, more selections. As it happens I wasn’t particularly lucky with mine that day, but the editor of this organ won fifty quid on the last race (and was inordinately jolly about it!), while I suffered a string of seconds - not backed each-way.

But win, lose or place isn’t the issue.

If all you want to do is win then go down your local Ladbrokes and have done with it. A day at Brighton is much more than just looking for winners. It’s about fun, sport, suspense and the timeless pleasures of having fun by the sea.

It isn’t expensive either. Thirteen pounds gets you in and after that all you need is some beer and punting money. And if you get lucky, you can ride the bus back down the hill and have a night on the town with your winnings.

See Daily What’s On pages for Brighton Meetings in June / early July, or visit their website at www.brighton-racecourse.co.uk for full details.

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“I Gotta Horse” The Ras Prince

‘It must be the most picturesque racecourse in England’

Brighton Rock: razor gangs ran protection rackets before the war

‘Get on early!’ - Bookies set up shop

words: nick booth, main pic: derby day by william frith c/o tate britain

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t could have been called the Bunbury.

Lord Derby and Lord Bunbury, two turf big shots of the 18th century, tossed a coin on the matter in 1779 and Derby won - but Bunbury’s horse, Diomed, won the inaugural running the following year.

The idea grew out of a knees-up to celebrate the running of the Epsom Oaks, a race to establish the fastest three-yearold colts.

The Derby is one of a group of races known as the English Classics. It’s a Group 1 race for the top thoroughbred racehorses who will then go on to compete for other prestigious races such as the Prix de l’Arc de Triomphe in Paris and the Breeders Cup in the USA. It is also an excuse for a huge piss-up and jolly for everyone from the Queen of England

down to the lowliest pickpocket.

The atmosphere is the usual racecourse mixture of high spirits, Drink, low life and high life. The bookies hold the big slabs of grubby banknotes and everyone else, be they wearing top hats or tracksuit bottoms, is drunk as a lord and loving it. Above, from her classy perch in the grandstand named after her, Her Majesty - a great fan of the Turf and horses - surveys her subjects’ jollity.

It’s probably the closest the Queen gets to British partying mode a la 2009.

Just a few feet behind and in front of her lies a bacchanal of burger vans, barbecues, warm beer, proscribed drugs and Bon Jovi tribute bands. If you are lucky enough to have a ticket that gets you in to her grandstand, you get to

mingle with a better-dressed type of racegoer, but I’m not convinced they’re any better behaved just because they’re dressed to go to a banker’s wedding.

The carnival atmosphere of the Derby was best captured by the Victorian painter William Frith, whose epic canvas Derby Day is a feast of incident, comedy and drama. Make a small study of this (above) before you face the army of funseekers at Epsom and you will get an idea of the teeming multitudes and sheer ranagazoo of Derby Day. If you want to find the winner, you can study the form diligently, or you can go to the water well near the racecourse and see what a legendary old gypsy woman writes on the wall: she’s reputed to get the winner right every year…

It’s probably the closest the Queen gets to British partying mode a la 2009. A bacchanal of burger vans, barbecues, warm beer, proscribed drugs and Bon Jovi tribute bands 8

The Deep Guide to Punting Student of the turf Nick Booth explains the vagueries of betting on ‘orses. . .

1)

The bookie cannot be beaten, but he can be duffed over and left winded. The first time you take 500 pounds in grubby banknotes off a bookmaker you will know that popular wisdom about gambling in general and racing in particular is full of errors.

2)

Always watch for mug money. You will find in every bookies from here to Harare people sitting and backing favourites at short prices to ‘buy money’. This can work but anyone who backs favourites as a rule of thumb will go broke in the end. As professional gambler Dave Nevison notes: “Backing horses at 5/4 when their chance of winning is 7/4 is a road to the pawnshop; on the other hand backing

(after Flashmans Papers won at 100-1): “Bookie’s laughin’; bookie’s laughin’”

4)

Back each way. An each way punt on a promising looking horse at 10-1 is a better bet than a win bet on a short price. In my opinion. Debate rages over this one, but racing being what it is, I always say ‘aim for the frame’. If your short-price favourite gets beat you’ve got nothing; if your 10-1 shot makes the frame you have a small winner, with the possibility of a 10-1 winner included in the bet (which is actually two bets: one to win, one to place). Makes sense to me.

5)

Start off with small multiple bets, such a trixie or pound doubles, or do a placepot (where you have to

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Look for value. The concept of value in betting terms is this: when you spot a horse whose given odds are longer than its actual chance of winning the race. There you has jazz - value. Value betting is the only way to punch the bookie in the gob. Every day you will see short-priced favourites done over by bigger priced horses.

Punters back the jolly and an outsider wins. As an old punter in a betting shop said to me during Royal Ascot last year

Follow trainers - but not religiously. This is a matter of choice and experience. I follow Williams Haggas, Jarvis, Knight and Musson, Gary Moore (not the guitarist), Venetia Williams and a few others.

Always evaluate the top trainers’ charges. Nicky Henderson and Paul Nicholls’ entries always need close attention. Most yards have in-form periods. Some jumps trainers are great in December and bad in January. In lowgrade meetings I discard trainer-following unless something really sticks out. If South African trainer Mike De Kock or Irish trainers Aiden ’Brien or Tony Martin have a horse in something, pay very close attention.

Types Of Bet:

place a horse in each race at a meeting).

These bets are the price of a pint or two but give you a bit of interest in how the market forms and patterns at certain tracks. You don’t get hurt and you learn stuff. There will be frustration and sheer joy. horses at 7/4 when they should be 5/4 is a route to profit”. This leads me to point three:

9)

6)

Terms mentioned are all explained here: www.onlinebetting.me.uk/betting-a-to-z

7)

Every bookies has a copy of the Racing Post for the punters’ use.

Ask to consult this when entering the premises. Also read the rules - if you win a fortune, you don’t want to find you are not entitled to it.

8)

Stay small punting until you have got the hang of it (some contend that gamblers never do) and never be rash without a good reason.

Single:

One bet, one horse.

Double:

Two nags, both must win or be placed if backing each way.

Treble:

Three horses, all must win or be placed if backing each way.

Trixie:

Three horses, four bets: Three doubles and a treble.

Patent:

Three horses, seven bets: Three singles, three doubles and a treble.

Yankee:

Four horses, 11 bets: six doubles, three trebles and an accumulator.

Runners & Riders

Rushton Smutty has a look at who’s in with a shot at this years Derby...

T

op Irish trainer Aidan O'Brien is saddling many of the top fancies in the Derby, headed by Fame and Glory. There is much speculation on who will ride which O'Brien horse rumour has it that his top jockey, Johnny Murtagh, will ride Rip Van Winkle. The best-priced home bred horse is the Brian Meehan trained Crowded House who was once the favourite for the race but is now a 16/1 shot.

Things got more complicated when the odds for another of O'Brien's contenders, Masterofthehorse shortened from 20/1 to 9/1. He finished second behind stablemate, Golden Sword, at Chester in May, but he must have seriously impressed on his work at home, to be clipped so dramatically. Golden Sword is also lined up for the race and is one of nine Ballydoyle horses still left in the race.

Sea The Stars is the horse on everyones lips following his excellent win in the 2000 Guineas. His trainer John Oxx has come out and said that Sea The Stars will not run if the ground is too soft, so watch this space regarding the 2000 Guineas winner.

Latest odds, at the to print are: Fame And Glory Sea The Stars Rip Van Winkle Black Bear Island Gan Amhras Masterofthehorse

Crowded House Rip van Winkle

time of going 11/4 3/1 5/1 8/1 8/1 9/1

Sea The Stars 12

Dance In The Park

Ahead of this years Get Loaded In The Park, Deep catches up with dance afficionado Krafty Kuts

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t’s that time of year again when we start to look ahead to the annual; sun-drenched festival bunfight that is Get Loaded In The Park. Always a top fun day out, and possibly the easiest festival to get to outside of our very own Croydon Summer shindig, being as it is sat, unapologetically making the dog walkers go round the long way, on Clapham Common. Always an eclectic line-up (last year featured Supergrass and Iggy Pop as headliners), this years lineup seems to have more a dance bent with acts - so far - including Orbital, Röyksopp, Carl Craig's Innerzone

this summer?

“Most definitely I have some tasty treats up my sleeve and some special tunes made exclusively for this event.”

Which other acts on the bill are you gonna check out?

“Orbital, Crookers, Roni Size, as many artists as I can fit to be honest. I am going to make a day of it as loads of my friends are coming down so just hoping the weather holds out.”

How do you prepare for a festival performance such as Get Loaded?

“Well to start with a great intro just to let everybody know that you are

“Festival sets have to start with a great intro just to let everybody know that you are gonna tear the roof off!!”

Orchestra (UK Debut), Roni Size Reprazent (UK festival exclusive) Laurent Garnier (live), Peaches, Miss Kitten & The Hacker, Booka Shade, Freeland, Sneaky Sound System, Magnetic Man feat. Skream & Benga, Pendulum DJ Set, Felix Da Housecat, Chase & Status, Crookers, Rob Da Bank, Krafty Kuts, Steve Aoki, The Bloody Beetroots, Eddy Temple Morris, Esser, Trip, Marina & The Diamonds, Devils Gun, and there are still more acts being added all the time.

So, time to shine a light on Brighton’s Martin Reeves, aka brekbeat, hip-hop, electro, nu skool and all sorts DJ and producer Krafty Kuts...

You’re returning to Get Loaded in the Park for the second time in a row this summer. How was it for you last year?

“One of the best gigs of last year for me without a doubt. The weather was perfect the location spot on, the vibe electric and with Dynamite MC hyping the crowd the stage was set for an awesome show and it was absolutely crazeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Listened to a live recording on Kiss FM the next evening and it sent shivers down my spine such a fantastic day all-round!”

Are you looking forward to Part 2 14

gonna tear the roof off!! Loads of classic festival tunes all specially edited, revamped and re-licked for the occasion and read the crowd to let them know you’re here to have a good time.”

Is there any difference to how you would prepare for a club gig?

“Absolutely at a festival you always have a shorter set time and also you maybe playing in the afternoon this can determine what tunes you play.

Also a club vibe is more intimate and is a totally different vibe. In a club you can build it up much more slowly and change direction and play more underground tunes or new and unreleased tracks.

Festivals are usually much bigger audiences so generally I play tunes people can relate to as I like to vibe with the crowd so a few classics are a must and some clever remixes always work a treat.”

What equipment do you use

for your DJs set these days?

“This is my exact set up 3 x Pioneer CDJ MK3’s CD players, 1 Technics turntable and a Pioneer DJM 800 mixer please!!!”

How big is your vinyl collection? Would you ever consider selling it?

“Strangely enough I am in the process of sorting out all the unwanted promos and LP’s I don’t now play, but all the tunes I spent years searching for are too precious to let go. I have about 5000 records but when I had my record store about 8 years ago it was much bigger but I sold so many tunes just to keep the shop going as it was always so hard to make money selling music.”

You’re about to drop new album ‘An Evening with Krafty Kuts’. This sees a return to your love of old skool, hip hop and all round party sounds. What’s the idea behind the album?

“The new LP is going to be collection

of what makes me tick and what inspires so it will have little of all the genres that I love. Hip Hop is a big part of my life and Funk also is a massive influence when I write music. Electro has been floating my boat for a long time since it originated back in the 80’s with Afrika Bambaataa, Hashim, Egyptian Lover the list is endless. The LP is definitely my best work to date and has some great songs with new Krafty flavours that I am just putting the finishing touches on. I love writing funky music and watching people’s reaction when they listen to it and the feedback I get back is a wonderful feeling this is what makes writing an LP so much fun.”

What’s your favourite tune off the album?

“I have a feeling it could be a tune called “Back To The Old Skool” (working title) this oozes summer time goodness I love it lashings of Krafty funk!!!!”

Do you prefer mixing up the genres or a straight up breaks set?

“Mixing it up dropping a in a few curve balls here and there I am always looking to surprise and captivate my audiences especially at the big festivals.”

Which new artists are exciting you right now?

“There are so many at the moment breaking through it’s very exciting times for dance music but for me La Roux, Proxy (Russian), Adsorb, Zariff, Sporty O the list is pretty big these are a few tasters.”

Tell us the story behind your alias ‘Krafty Kuts’...

“Long story but I will cut it down to size!!!! A few years back I started a breakdance club with a group of friends and we had some decks just to play music and work our routines out. One day I had a spin and tried to do some scratching and actually found that I was much better at this than busting my balls

and bones breakdancing so I practiced, got better and better. One day while cutting & scratching away someone said hey that was a bit “Krafty” I thought hey that would make a good DJ name as I was searching for one then, but Krafty was just not enough. Then the cutting and scratching came into mind “Krafty Kuts” was born aged 17 and the rest is history!”

You’ve won many awards, including the ‘Best DJ’ award at Breakspoll three years in a row. That’s a nice thing right?!

“Yes I am very proud of my achievements and I think it makes all the hard work and determination worthwile but most of all I can look back and say yes I did achieve something with my life.

I believe we are all gifted individuals it takes time to find out what we are best at. Like they say practice makes perfect and if you have the desire and drive to become the best at your chosen subject you can achieve many amazing things in life little or small with great rewards.”

How’s the Finger Lickin’ family?

“Still keeping busy and active one great big family with many talented artists we have all had many great parties and times together... Memories for life!!!”

Australia has always been a home from home for you. What are the big gigs you play out there?

“Field Day New Years Day in the middle of Sydney 25,000 people, Big Day Out Tour 30,000 plus, Parklife Tour, Breakfest Perth Amphitheatre, Summer Field Day Brisbane. Australia has so many wonderful festivals it is insane!”

Would you ever consider moving out there?

“Most defiantly without a doubt the weather, food, beaches and lifestyle are much more my way of life. As much as I love Brighton (UK) and all my family and friends are close I have a wonderful opportunity in Australia to try something

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new and fresh and also have so many great friends and work options there. I would be crazy not to make a go of it but it would be the hardest decision of my life.”

What makes a good festival for you?

“To start the weather, a beautiful sunny day and a good DJ! Location nice field in the middle of nowhere and an eclectic mix of music with camping a friendly vibe that’s all we need oh and helpful and friendly security as well.”

The best things in life are…?

“My 2 wonderful children & beautiful girlfriend Katie Lou!” Who has been your biggest influence musically?

“It is impossible to name one person but Electro, Hip Hop, & Funk is the main reasons I tick musically. Fatboy Slim from when I first started as he has made so many great dance tunes that I just loved.

But a friend of mine Kurt Baggaley and Jon Ide introduced me to Electro music back in the day and that is where my whole love affair for music began.”

What’s on your IPod right now?

“Actually listening to my “Back To Mine” compilation as it helps me reflect on all my musical inspirations over my life… love it !”

Twitter. Bothered?

“Not really. I am on there to keep up with what is happening around me but it’s not as fun as Facebook!”

What’s the craftiest thing you’ve ever done?

“Get a business flight all the way to Australia for both my lady & me for free very very Krafty indeed and bloody lovely as well!”

Get Loaded In The Park, August Bank Holiday, Clapham Common. Tickets from www.getloadedinthepark.com

Tats Magic!

R

egular readers may recall the first time I got the name of this organ scratched into my arm it was done

by Brad Sim down at Sims Tattoos on the Gloucester Road. Well, since then the whole shebang has moved round the corner to Windmill Road, into what we heard was a swanky new pad, so we thought it was time for a revisit...

And swanky it is, with a larger, openplan tattooing area (with screens for all your, er, intimate tattooing needs) a waiting area complete with full-sized coffin, just to Put You At Your Ease and a completely separate, clinic-like room for piercings.

It’s the same set up as the previous shop, with Brad (with 20 years experience - it’s his 20th Anniversary this year) and Dor (who was an apprentice when I got mine done, which makes me feel OLD, but has been a fully-fledged artist for over 5 years now) doing the tattoo side of things while Marie, who’s also come over from the previous shop, doing the piercings (and, I’m told, now doing ‘dermal-anchors’. She did explain what this is but I’m squeamish and am assured if you know, you know). Marie’s been doing piercing for over 7 years, so is the go-to-girl for getting holes poked in you, probably in odd places.

So, given the huge rise in popularity of tattoos and piercings over the last ten years, how has Brad seen the industry

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change?

“It’s a whole new type of person coming in for tattoos now from 10 years ago, we do hardly any flash work (from pictures we have here), everyone comes in with their own artwork or designs, so it’s much more freehand now, I’d say 90% freehand work.”

You can see some of that work on these pages, and it seems business is booming, with queues regularly forming outside the shop on their Thursday ‘walk-in’ day (all other times you have to book your tat in advance, although the piercing side is always walk in), where it’s first come first served, and with tats averaging 2 hours a pop, I’d suggest you get there early.

Sims specialise in portraits, cover-ups (for that ill-advised drunken tat...) japanese and old-school work, but they can turn their hand to magazine logos, as this correspondant can attest, and happily they’ve brought with them, as well as the trio’s wealth of experience and all the sharp pointy things, their über friendly attitude. Oh, and a stuffed pig on the wall. I forgot to ask...

Anyway, for more on all this, some more pictures and eveything you need to know, visit the myspace pages at www.myspace.com/simstattoos and www.myspace.com/piercingsbymarie, and happy self-inflicted pain to you all...

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50 NOT OUT A

m-dram. As peculiarly an English phenomenon as warm beer and cricket A bunch of enthusiastic amateurs getting together to stage plays for the local community, and usually a short-lived wheeze for all concermed.

Unless, that is, you happen to be South Norwood’s St Mark’s Players, who are celebrating their 50th, yes, count ‘em, 50th year of treading the boards this year. Blimey.

The group first got together to put on “Dick Whittington” for a church social in January 1960. Since then they have raised over £32,000 for various local charities, contributed funds towards the building of a church hall where they now rehearse and even raised enough money to build their own Kings Road Hall for the storage of costumes, props and scenery.

David Ryland was one of the original members, having joined in 1953. He’s appeared in every one of St Mark’s Players’ 49 pantomimes; in fact he wrote the script for the all-time favourite “Cinderella” which the group performed earlier this year to mark their 50th year, in which he played the part of The Squire. An accountant when not sporting his greasepaint, David thinks the group is important for the community in South Norwood. He said, “It improves the cultural side. If you’re stuck with only TV you lose your cultural heart. It’s more and more difficult in this computer age, though over the last couple of years there seems to be a renewed interest and audience numbers have greatly improved.”

The basis of St Mark’s Players’ success over the years is the sense of family fun; putting on traditional pantomimes with audience participation, slapstick scenes and a storyline aimed principally with children in mind but also adults who are still ‘young at heart’. As well as pantomimes, The Players introduced in 1971 a ‘May Show’ to their programme.

Originally it took the form of an ‘Olde Tyme Music Hall’ and then switched to an evening of sketches, songs from the shows and an audience singalong.

However, St Mark’s saw the need to move with the times and hence that evolved into their popular June ‘Summer Show’ which, being packed full of music, songs from the shows, dancing,

colourful costumes and plenty of humour, always has something for everyone. All their performances have taken place in the wonderful Grade II listed theatre of The Stanley Halls, South Norwood Hill and they take pride in the fact that they are the longest serving group to perform there.

St Mark’s Players are always keen for new members but are especially looking for enthusiastic people to be part of their offstage volunteers and backstage crew.

Christine Foulds, their Publicity Officer, says, “Until I joined St Mark’s I certainly hadn’t realised just how many interesting and necessary jobs needed to be done in order to bring a successful show onto the stage. Everyone works so very hard, whether it’s getting the sound and lighting right, selling sweets and refreshments to hundreds of little Cubs and Brownies, getting trays of tea to the cast or lifting and putting in place scenery quickly and quietly during a performance. John Dudley-Swale, Stage Manager, has some great people working with him on lighting, sound and shifting scenery – but we really could do with more help for these unsung heroes.

“With lots of these jobs, volunteers are needed only on the dress rehearsal and actual performance dates - people don’t need to be any more involved than that if they don’t wish to be. It’s a wonderful place for young people interested in the theatre to see and experience all aspects of getting a production onto the stage. Amateur Dramatics is underestimated – we go through all the hard work, trials and tribulations of a professional theatre 22

with the only difference being that we don’t get paid!

“But, of course, it’s great fun too – in fact, I’m a little worried about our two Ugly Sisters who seem to be enjoying rehearsals just a tad more than they should (their day jobs are as a bus driver and an electrical heating engineer) and I’m sure they will take it as a compliment when I say that ‘ugly’ is an understatement...”

Backstage and FOH crew required!

No experience necessary but reliability and enthusiasm a must! We need scene constructors, erectors, painters and shifters; Lighting and sound people; Prompts and curtain operators; Front of house refreshments people. St Mark’s Players meet on Monday evenings from 7pm. If you’re interested in helping out please contact Christine Foulds on 020 8771 3950

23

Septuagenarian agony aunt cum rock mutton Auntie May goes “Wheeeeeeeee!”

H

ello again fellow Croydonians. It’s been a really busy month and I’ve had considerable difficulty finding time to eat and sleep in my attempts to fit it all in. I started off at the end of April by more or less moving into the Ship for their Spring Band Festival – twelve bands over three days followed by a severe case of alcohol poisoning and tinnitus – a recipe for a good weekend methinks!

The next week saw the first (and hopefully not the last) of this year’s Shiptrips when a motley assortment of reprobates descended upon Thorpe Park.

We’d decided that choosing a Tuesday NOT in the school holidays would mean that there wouldn’t be much in the way of queues for the rides – how wrong can you be! I decided not to spend 90 minutes queuing for Saw (actually I was too scared) and opted for Detonator and a kind of lame backwards-facing-

rollercoaster-in-the-dark, the name of which eludes me but which made me feel rather sick for two hours. My favourite was the Rumba Rapids which we all went on at the end and then refused to get off, despite the desperate pleas of the ride staff who wanted to go home. Most of us then hightailed it up to the Underworld in Camden for the evening, only just arriving in time to catch Kitty Hudson, who played a magnificent set at breakneck speed. They were followed by the brilliant Graveyard Johnnys who demonstrated various interesting things a man can do with a double bass and a bit of imagination!

This month also saw the return of Witchfest, held for the first time at Stanley Halls in South Norwood. We arrived bright and early and set about exploring the building, to the consternation of the security staff who

24

had to order me and Creepy out from under the stage at one point where we were investigating trap-door mechanisms and tambourines. Creepy, being a romantic soul, decided to renew his marriage vows following his shotgun wedding at the last Witchfest so I volunteered to play my one finger version of the Wedding March, Father Geoff presided over the ceremony but unfortunately, after jumping over a stick, the bride and groom had to parade back down the isle to ‘Marche Slave’, which is basically a Russian dirge, as this is the only other thing I can remember how to play. I had a happy day eating doughnuts, drinking copious quantities of mead, instigating animal noise competitions

“We’d decided that choosing a Tuesday not during school holidays would mean less queueing at Thorpe Park. We were wrong” over the headsets, and in between, selling raffle tickets. I was unable to stay for the evening entertainment as, rather irresponsibly I thought, the Eurovision Song Contest had chosen that day for the final and Edith would have been devastated if we didn’t have our annual ‘Owl & Eyeball Curry and Eurovision’ night. Indeed, I was so transfixed by the spray tan and beetle eyebrows of the winning entry that I completely forgot that I’d eaten and inadvertently ate a second dinner (and pudding of course), resulting in me ending up sitting in the pub at midnight feeling like a beached whale and vowing never to eat again!

The next day I had promised to go and see the return of Mordecai at the Bridge House 2 at Canning Town. “That sounds nice,” I thought and set off, armed with a tube map and my trusty A-Z. Now a word of warning, my friends. If anyone ever suggests you go to Canning Town, don’t.

It’s a dump. There is a big road, there is nowhere to eat and it will rain. The venue was down a very long road through an

industrial wasteland – I passed a car pound, a yard for recycling recycling bins, and miles of graffiti covered walls and metal gates. Eventually though I reached the venue where things started looking up. I was greeted by a god-like youth with nice hair and eventually Mordecai turned up (they had had to sense to drive to civilisation to get food) and all in all, it turned out rather well.

Mordecai’s new material is topnotch stuff and the lighting at Bridge House 2 was stunning.

It just remains for me to wish Jon all the best in his new job at the Dog & Bull and to thank him for his sterling service at the Ship. I’ll be back at my rightful place at the bar (or under it), hiccupping and making indecipherable notes on beermats for next month’s ramblings. www.myspace.com/auntiemay99

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JODY LOANE

ON PUNTING, THE DERBY AND 40 GRAND PAYOUTS. . .

“

The thing is, is that what this betting shop offers is more than just the basic transaction – we’re a bit of a hub in the community.’ So says Jody Loane, 29, the friendly manager of the Purley branch of Ladbrokes and featured bookmaker in our racing/Derby special.

“It’s nice,” he continues. “People think of you. If I wasn’t around for a few days they’d ask where I was.

There’s a lot of laughs and a great atmosphere in here on big event days. You see a variety of people – and you hear things. People tell betting shop managers things they wouldn’t tell anyone else…”

Right, who’s going to win the Derby?

“Well, I quite fancy Dick Van Dyke. That’d be my first bet. I’ve got a funny feeling about this Derby, there might be an upset, a longer priced winner than usual. I am actually going to the Derby this year, for the first time, with my local pub, The Wandle, which is run by Ollie and Lynne.”

Racing is more fun than its reputation sometimes suggests, right?

“Without a doubt. You can have a bet for a bit of interest at a low stake and get a nice return and see a good race; you can also bet on tennis, football - even novelty bets like Britain’s Got Talent. Yeah, gambling, like most things, has a dark side but in the main it’s a lot of innocent fun and interest for people. Ladbrokes works closely with the gambling commission to encourage responsible gambling and we’re very strict on our age policy.”

Jody Loane was talking to Nick Razzo.

What’s the biggest payout you’ve handled?

“Years ago I was working in one of the on-course shops at Lingfield races. Old guy comes in, dressed up in tweed: posh. He has a grand each way on a 33-1 shot. Off he goes. Price plunges. And it romped home. He won about forty grand. Didn’t seem very excited when he picked it up!”

You have anything on it?

“A tenner! I thought, ‘if he can afford to lose a grand I can afford to lose ten quid’.”

WORDS AND PIX: NICK RAZZO.

Any other big payouts?

“I knew a kebab shop owner years ago who used to bet big on roulette machines before Tony Blair took the max payout down to five hundred quid. He won eighteen grand once.”

“People tell betting shop managers things they wouldn’t tell anyone else…”

Ladbrokes Manager Jody Loane. Note the 11.34 at Oxford going off behind him.

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29

DAWN JAMES

ON HER NEW TATTOOS, D.I.Y. AND THE LITTLE ANGELS. . .

'I don't like men who try to change me...'

D

awn James, a legendary barmaid from the Ship, back in the wild days. Five foot one of feistiness and mischief and always up for a laugh. She’s a swig-it-fromthe-bottle type of woman, but also a bit of a thinker and a big reader. The shelves of her office and her sitting room are filled with books, from Dean Koontz to Charles Dickens.

Tell us about the tattoos.

“I’ve always been into tattoos; I got my first one done years ago, a little Chinese dragon for twenty-five quid. I wanted to test the pain factor, you know? Steve down the In Shops did it.

“I was an instant convert anyway.

I’ve always wanted a vine, like I’ve got round my tit. I want a bit of cohesiveness now - so I’m going to link it all up with further tattoos, stylewise, but I’m not going to cover my entire bod, don’t worry. Brad did it hey, let me plug his new shop! - I like Brad, he’s not got an attitude and he will pretty much do anything within reason. The pain’s bearable, really; it’s just like being scratched I suppose.”

Tell us about men.

“My serious relationships seem to last about three years! That’s how long they can put up with my mentalness,

‘“I like getting out on the lash and I don’t want my man getting too comfortable in front of the box. . .”’

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DAWN JAMES - THE FACTS: • Smokes: Richmond Superking Smooths (formally JPS White) • Law: I will not add anyone on Facebook I don’t know in real life.

• What should Croydon Council do: Make 24 hour drinking REAL 24 hour drinking, where you can get a beer in a reasonable atmosphere at any time of the night.

'One crawler I like': Dawn with her Gekko, Tyke.

“I wouldn’t kick Johnny Depp out of bed and I’m developing a penchant for Christian Bale. . .”

'I intend to enjoy what I've got - WHICH IS BEER!' 31

WORDS AND PICTURES NICK RAZZO

ha ha! I was in a fairly long relationship but now I’m back on the scene in Croydon! I’m a woman of extremes - blokes are often surprised by me being into football, formula 1 and carpentry. I don’t think I want kids. I love my niece(s) and nephew, but you can give ‘em back!”

But do you have a type?

“I don’t have a type. I like someone who is a bit quirky and who doesn’t try to change me. I like getting out on the lash and I don’t want my man getting too comfortable in front of the box that’s like, retirement home, yeah?”

Any famous fancies?

“I wouldn’t kick Johnny Depp out of bed and I’m developing a penchant for Christian Bale.”

Are you still into the Little Angels?

“Still play the ’Angels. Mickey died - I was gutted. I met them once at Croydon HMV. What new stuff do you like?

“Kings of Leon, of course! I like all sorts, everything from Country to R and B. I even like Keane; I love their new album. Duran Duran ruled my life as a kid.”

Best band?

“I still think the Black Crowes are

great.”

I remember you lending me their Southern Harmony and Musical Companion many years ago.

“Great record.”

Chinese or Indian?

“Oh, Indian. Definitely.”

What do you think about Croydon?

“When I was growing up all the buildings looked cool. But that was 70s/80s. Now they just look like shit. They haven’t aged well. It’s time to get radical!”

You’re mad on pets, aintcha?

“Yep. I’ve had mice, gerbils, dogs - always had a dog - rats, hamsters, cockatiels, tropical fish, gekkos, tortoises… Pets don’t expect much, they don’t mess with your head.”

Tell us about your literary interests.

“I like Dean Koontz, as you know, and bizarre stuff about conspiracy theories, serial killers and the occult. Freemasonry, crop circles, UFOs, the Baghdad Battery etc” Are you entering Croydonhello Pub Celebrity of Year? “(No comment) People should be nominated, not enter themselves! Maybe on the Croydonhello! facebook page. . .”

'I'm a woman of extremes'

COLONEL RAZZO NEEDS YOU! Are you the life and soul of the party?

Are you the one who keeps your mates entertained?

Are you a ‘face’ down your local?

Are you, in fact, a PUB CELEBRITY? Then register an interest in becoming Croydon Pub Celebrity Of The Year simply by e-mailing or texting ‘celeb’ with your name and address and we’ll send you full details. e-mail: hello @deep-london.co.uk. Text 07910 506197 (standard network charge).

The winner of Croydonhello Pub Celebrity Of The Year will receive £150 worth of booze and BRAGGING RIGHTS.

All entries must be in by 30th July and prizes will be awarded at a grand gala night in August (date tbc)...

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UNDERCOVER

with Nick Razzo

T

he Scene: A US courtroom.

Flourish - Enter Prosecutor, Nick “cassettes’ Reeves, Philipa “Cox’s Orange Pippin” Scott, Nick “Eh Fatty Boom-Boom” Booth, the jury, the Judge.

- Prosecutor: The three “musicians’ you see before you stand accused of corrupting young American minds with their music. Known as The Nosnibods - Pippa Scott: The Nosnibods! The Nosnibods!

- Judge bangs gavel: Silence in court!

- Nick Reeves titters.

- Prosecutor: …these three grifters spread their foul “music” across our motherland. If you play the their single ‘We Are the Nosnibods” backwards you hear, quite clearly in my opinion, the word ‘Dobinson’.

NOS NI BOD DOB IN SON. This is a satanic/Islamic/Communoid codeword, triggering hatred and epileptic fits among respectable middle American children. Indeed, when they played American Bandstand, the word Dobinson was shouted by Ms Scott.

- Pippa Scott: The Dobinsons! The Dobinsons!

- Prosecutor: I put it to you, Nick Reeves, that you were originally going to be called “Susan”.

- Nick Reeves: My parents had the pink cardy ready, your worship.

- Prosecutor: Please note that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, he said “Pink Cardy”. This is clearly proof that he was a card carrying member of the Communist Party before he was even

born.

- Nick Reeves: Hey, I like David Bowie’s Let’s Dance but does that make me a red?

- Prosecutor: Were you ever in a band called The Diarrhoea Brothers?

- To be continued.

I

can exclusively reveal that Billy “Bill” Lancaster, he of the eggcooking prowess, has developed a special machine to keep his hair a the same length all the year round. Called Lanco’s Patent Hair-Organiser, it looks like a spaceman’s helmet and is put on once a week. “I thought it was a secret, but people noticed that my hair is always the same length all year round. I sold the patent to an American company for many millions.

Billy is now working on a new invention: egg cars. “They’ll be a shaped like an egg. Catherine “Cheeky” North’s been egging me on to invent them. Boom boom!”

Oh, Bill! Something needs to be done about you!

Local bon viveur and associate member of the notorious 90s pranksters The Kenny Baker Gang (of which more later) Tom “Knebworth County Council Ate My Parrot” Shutt has a question for Undercover readers.

“What does, ‘how do you like them apples’ mean? I want the meaning, the etymology, the lot.”

Tom’s working on saving the planet: “Curry’s the answer. I started with curry trousers and now I’m working on buses made from curry. One day, there’ll be no nuclear weapons, just curry missiles.”

Given the situation with the Taleban in northern Pakistan right now, Tommy, that could become reality far quicker than you expect!

In the wake of the MPs expenses scandal, we would like to publicly suggest that Kenny “The Right Honorable” Baker (not to be confused with self-basting Tory grandee The Right Honorable Kenneth Baker) for Prime Minister.

When I contacted Kenny’s office to suggest this I was told that Mr Baker has aimed his sights at being Secretary-General of the United Nations. “More chance at getting to all the Melas that way.”

Let’s a raise a glass of Pimms to Croydon beer gardens. The season of the Beer Garden is well under way now and let’s face it, we’ll all be drunk ‘til Christmas. Cheers! Don’t miss next month’s special supplement: Croydon Beer Garden Digest, a full overview of what is available in Croydon.

PIP PIP! Nick Booth: Nosnibod?

Tom Shutt: "My other car is a Chicken Shashlick"

DO YOU WANT TO BE IN Send your pictures, interview requests, gossip and stories to: hello@deep-london.co.uk 33

Dear Wendy, My husband likes to drink beer and smoke while I perform acts of love on him. Should I bring my copy of Pick Me Up to bed with me and do the crossword when he is pleasing me?

“Ignored”, Shrublands.

Wendy says: He sounds like a right charmer. If I was you I’d dump him and find a hot young man to satisfy all your needs. Who wants someone bouncing up and down on you with beer burps! Eurgh! You might actually discover the joys of a full on manmissile rather than half mast Mr Floppy.. ........................................................

Dear Wendy, My wife insists we watch Captain Pugwash on DVD before we make love. She finds it erotic. I don’t. I’d prefer Lesbian Secretaries, starring Gail Povey. What do we do?

“Sailor Boy”, New Addington.

Wendy says: It’s not the first time I’ve heard that cartoons are a turn on.

Jessica Rabbit isn’t unusual but Captain Pugwash…weirdo! Well why not both enjoy your “porn” separately so you are ready for action? ........................................................

Dear Wendy, Why does a hangover make you horny?

“Headache”, South Croydon.

Wendy says: I know! I’d love to know this too! Give me one of those kind of hangovers over a puking one any day! If you don’t have anyone in your bed when you wake up. Make sure you have a Resolve, internet porn and hand/rampant rabbit ready for the hangover horn… enjoy it!!!

There are lots of interesting things I

Googled about this subject - worth a read. www.altpenis.com/penis_news/ partying_penis ........................................................

Dear Wendy, My girlfriend has a tattoo of Noel Edmonds on her left breast and a tattoo of Enoch Powell on her right. I find this “deflating” when we make love. No point in suggesting I flip her over - she has the entire Labour Government from 1976 on her back.

P. Sid Offwithit, Katherine Street.

Wendy says: Have a face-sized tattoo of Ron Wood done on your face and get yer own back! ........................................................

Dear Wendy, My boyfriend has a ‘Swannee whistle’ and blows it when he climaxes. It’s not on, is it?

H.E.Y. Nonny-Nonny, Wellesley Road Wendy says: Haha, fanatastic.

Nothing better than a good laugh during sex. Maybe you should top it off by letting off a Love Puff just to add to the comedy. I would suggest leaving it for a morning session that follows a night of heavy drinking when you both have a case of HH. ........................................................

Dear Wendy, I fancy my local bingo caller, but I’m too shy to make an approach. I want to play “housey housey” with him.

Advice?

“Kelly’s Eye” Macclesfield Wendy says: Ooh I have a similar problem, I’ve fancied someone for years who I’m too scared to speak to.

I would suggest having a few drinks beforehand, it makes chatting someone up so easy. If you get turned down then being a bit pie-eyed 34

means you’ll get over it quicker. Best not to be in the state where you are dribbling over him though, not a good look. You could always slip him a note when you collect your winnings. Let me know how it goes.’ ........................................................

Dear Wendy, My doctor fancies me. He asked if we could play “doctors and nurses”; I replied ‘only if I can be a consultant’.

Is it ethical to shag your doctor?

‘Eppy’ Dural, Oaks Road Wendy says: Surely the only thing to do is change doctors?? ........................................................

Dear Wendy, My girlfriend is 16 and I’m 47. I like to read Dr Karl Popper’s The Open Society and Its Enemies to her as foreplay. But she prefers watching Question Time’s David Dimbleby to get her in the mood. Can you suggest a compromise?

Bo Ring-Bersterd, West Wickham Wendy says: Well, Popper is known for repudiating the classical observationalist/inductivist account of scientific method by advancing empirical falsification instead; for his opposition to the classical justificationist account of knowledge which he replaced with critical rationalism, "the first non justificational philosophy of criticism in the history of philosophy"[4] and for his vigorous defence of liberal democracy and the principles of social criticism which he took to make the flourishing of the "open society" possible. Say all the above slowly while taking your pants off, she might get excited, you never know yer luck!

A lot of greenery: a jolly down to Brighton races and seafront; iggle-piggle (?); ooh - summery at Coombe Gardens; sunny Croydon - I can see my house from here...; there was going to be a picture of Giorgio’s marvellous Italian ice-cream but I ate it...

35

After a month’s hiatus, the final dispatches from both sides of the world courtesy of Deep’s very own globe-trotting correspondant Geoff Lyons...

T

his was written in a long time ago, in a land far far away...

Good Friday, 10th April, 09... Ola, Yassoo, G´day and Namaste from a very sleepy lil town in the Central Highlands of Peru... Andahuaylas. And being that it’s Good Friday, and being that they´re Catholic, it´s closed - the whole bloody town. Apart from a couple of weeny restaurants and this internet cafe. I´m here after a totally loco and hilarious overnight bus journey from Cuzco, the town that marks the start of The Sacred Valley, home to Pisac, Ollantaytambo and Macchu Picchu - ancient sites that make you wanna go..´ Incas 1, Ikea nil...´ It was only 10 hours, but when they said "bumpy", I thought they meant ‘bumpy’... not BUMPY! It was totally and unapologetically unsealed highway through mountain passes and ravines, and it was very tough going. I'd heard the views from the right hand side of the bus were awesome, but if you were sat on the left, take bike clips... and whichever side you’re on book a good chiropracter for the after journey comedown... (I’m currently 3ft 6 in stockinged and sandaled feet, which ain´t a good look, now I think about it).

Anyway, back to the bus...

Unfortunately I couldn’t see jack shit apart from the odd mountain silhouetted against the cloudy, full-moon gloom. But that was probably a good thing coz I’m handwashing the boxers in hotel sinks at this point, and a nail brush can only do so much.

Easter Sunday: I´m recovering from a second long overnight bus trip - about 12 hours and 300 k´s on unsealed roads (THAT wasn´t a road! That was an assault course put there for a laugh!) through mountain passes, landslides and bursttheir-banks-rivers - we had to help dig and push the 2 storey coach out of the mud twice, and that ain´t easy at 4 am in the rain. Anyway. I travel from here via a couple of non-descript, gringo-free towns, slowly to the capital Lima. And then, next Thursday, I grab a taxi to Aeropeurto Internacional Jorge Chavez,

and then... And then. I fly home.

The end of a 10 month journey that kicked off last June, back in the town where I started learning to backpack 15 years ago - Malia, Crete, and then moved onto India, Western Australia, New Zealand, Chile, Argentina, Bolivia, and finally ending up in Peru, travelling by plane, bus, car, rickshaw, empty cement truck, camel and boat. Sleeping in hostels, bus stations, coaches, on a floor in a baggage storage room, a desert (next to a farting camel), a tiny flat with a very kind Peruvian family putting me up for the night, and finally, due to pure fluke and an over-booked flight, a 5 star hotel in Madrid. That journey - which originally jumped into my brain 4 years or so ago is now, albeit 6 or 7 sleeps, is over.

It was going to be my last big trip but as it’s turned out, it won´t be the last trip.

There´s too much to see on this big,

beautiful lump of rock we abuse daily and then call home. So, for now, back to Croydon, with a sort of plan up my sleeve. Only Deano and Shiv at The Ship are aware, so far as I know, and if Her Majesty’s Customs at Heathrow don’t want to rip my rucksack apart, I should be walking into The Ship at approximately 10 p.m. next Friday night.

So how do I feel after 10 months away? I’m feeling a whole mixture of things, as you can probably imagine: Really, really excited to be going back and seeing people.....I can’t wait to grab a cider and a cactus juice and dance my (now very trim) ass off to AC/DC in The Ship. Also I can’t wait to put the hat and dog collar back on, and get back behind the death decks for The Sunday Service and go, quite simply, fucking MAD! I’m also looking forward to getting back to being a full-time commercial

“I couldn’t see out of the mountain bus probably a good thing as I’m handwashing the boxers and there’s only so much a nail-brush can do...”

36

37

artist......it’s been brilliant and very beneficial to take a break from what was, usually, a 6 day week schedule, and I feel very refreshed. Most of all I can’t wait to see my mates and drinking buddies from Croydon’s pub circuit.

This journey has brought home to me just how many people I know back in the UK, and just how much they mean to me... I always knew it, but being away and being by yourself for long periods of time makes you value them a whole lot more. It’s easy to take people and company for granted. A bit of solitude's a very good thing.

The interesting part for me was the journey itself, because it wasn´t idyllic at all, and loads of stuff went wrong, and I wasn't ticking things off lists - "Seen the Taj Mahal... next !" - but I expected nothing less. That is what travelling’s all about for me. It’s about having a flight out, and one back, and a half-arsed route imbetween, and going for it. It’s not about getting on a scheduled tour bus

and being told you have 5 minutes to take photos, and then you're going to stop for lunch. It’s about being out of your comfort zone, away from family, if you have them, and friends, for more than the usual 2 weeks. It’s about not knowing what day it is because it doesn’t matter anymore - 9 to 5 normality was left in the bin with the bottle of water that was too big to check in at the Departure Gate at Heathrow last year.

It’s about getting ill and getting over it.

It's about finding out what being really bloody lonely means. It's then about really appreciating good times and company. It’s about seeing amazing and wonderful things and also the nasty, bad, depressing stuff (I hadn’t ever seen a fresh corpse covered in blood 5 minutes after a road accident til the other day... he was lying in the road like a rag doll, legs bent randomly.).

I met some lovely, special, honest, friendly, helpful, soulful, generous, funny and sharing people on the road. I also

“The interesting part was the journey itself loads of stuff went wrong and I wasn’t ticking things off lists - ‘Seen the Taj Mahal! Next!’...”

38

met some obnoxious, selfish, arrogant, ignorant, false, inconsiderate wankers.

Again, that's life, so before I forget....

To ; Michaeli, Brenda, Kevin, Roger and Trudi, Big Tony and Shirley, Andy, Jenna, Anne, all at Molly Malone's, a host of others, and finally Rico in Malia, Crete.

Andreas, Stephanie and Brendan in India.

Giles, CJ, Gavin and Vikky in Oz. Ant and

39

Chewit and a loada folk in NZ, and the other people here in South America who talked and listened, and Mapa and her friends for feeding me and putting this gringo up in Lima when I had nothing, thanks to all of you for making the journey what it was. To the other lot... fuhgedabouttit!

And a huge thanks to Dean and Shiv for giving me a home til I get sorted both before and after, and for storing all of my stuff - you've been incredibly kind

and it's not forgotten.

To The Whitlocks for being my postal address. To The Rowley Crew from Welwyn Garden - for a wonderful week in Malame and lending stuff when I was in need. I think that’s about it. We're all done. It's a wrap. Time, gentlemen please.

I hope you enjoyed some, if not all of what I wrote, because it was real, it was honest and it came from the heart. So what, if anything, will have changed ? I

40

guess I’m about to find out...

Okay, you can wake up now. See you in the pub. Love and hugs, Geoff.

P.S... Saturday 25th April, East Croydon. After delayed and cancelled flights, a night in a 5 star hotel in Madrid as a result of that, and a 2 day return journey that ended up taking 4 days, I'm back. With 50p in my pocket. I just want to say a final, massive thankyou for the amazing welcome back I've had over the last week. It has stunned me, and I'm very touched. Have a groovy day. Geoff.

AND FINALLY. P.P.S... (29th May): Well, seeing as I couldn't send this last month - not my fault - blame the fekkin satellite, I hope it get's through now. I came back, went looking for work, found it, and apart from still needing a takeaway and Doctor Who dvd's on the telly, I'm just living in the moment and getting on with it. And I still, 6 weeks later, am very suprised and a bit overwhelmed by the welcome back. It was a good journey, and I'm looking at camping shops whistfully, but there'll be other times and adventures... Apparently shares in Strongbow and Jose Cuervo Especial Tequila Gold have soared in the last 42 days... I damned if I know why. Big hugs, and thanks for reading. I'm that scruffy fucker in shorts in The Ship.

Geoff x

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News-hound As Terry Scott might say ‘Juuuune! Newwws!’

I

t’s festival-a-rama this month in sunny Croydon, and we’ll kick off with the Croydon Fashion Festival from 20th28th June with a host of free events including Whitgift Centre fashion shows, ‘Wear Not Waste’ recycled fashion shows, Croydon College Graduate collections and loads of in-store activities, makeovers, competitions and giveaways.

For full details and programme of events visit www.croydonfashionfestival.com.

On the music front, the Croydon Jazz festival returns this year (12th-21st June), rebranded as the Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival, with a ton of live music all over the shop, from a stage in North End to The Brief, Croydon Clocktower, Green Dragon, The Auberge Restaurant, The Treehouse and beyond but, interestingly, not The Oval which continues to plough its own blues furrow. There’s too much stuff happening to list here but see the daily what’s on section for full details or take a visit to their website at www.croydonjazzfestival.com.

This month also sees the return of Purley Music Week - as the name suggests, a week of live music in venues all over Purley organised in the main by golfing prodigy Matt at The Jolly Farmers.

Running from 12th-21st June, which is more than a week, but anyway, the bulk of the action takes place in the Farmers but there are also gigs planned for the Rotary Field and all over the shop. Again, see the daily what’s on for the events that have been confirmed thus far, or visit the website at www.purleymusicweek.com.

And finally, the line-up for this year’s free Lloyd Park Croydon Summer Festival has been announced with a host of great music (see advert, back page) and headliners... The Proclaimers (pic - top) all together now: ‘And I wud walk five. hundred. miles...’ Love The Proclaimers I must remember to get hold of their celebrity fanboy, our mate David Tennant, to see if he’s coming along.

Talking of whom, or Who, it’s our increasingly regular Dave T news section - three items this month: Number one - The Doctor will be appearing, fully fledged as opposed to a cameo, in an episode of the usually quite bad Sarah Jane Adventures, coming soon, let’s see if he can make it better.

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Number two (and can I say - hurrah!)

- David and the entire cast, including Patrick Stewart, of the RSC’s excellent production of Hamlet have signed up to do it all again for BBC2. Filming starts in July so no air date yet, but having seen it at Stratford I can safely say that’s one to keep your eyes open for and put in your diaries not to miss. If it’s even half as good as the stage production it’ll probably be one of the best versions of Hamlet you’ll see. Top class.

Number the three and last - The next Doctor Who special will be aired in November. Job done.

Elsewhere in telly news, the marvellously odd BBC3 comedy show Cowards (pic - bottom) is scheduled to be released on DVD in September, but you can pre-order it now from Amazon, or, if you can’t wait, series 1 and 2 of their original Radio 4 show is out now in all good shops. And if you can’t even wait to go out and get that, one quarter of Cowards, existentialist lo-fi poet Tim Key (pic, bottom, far left), can currently be seen appearing as question master in We Need Answers, the finest shambolically daft comedy quiz show we’ve seen for ages, hosted by comedian Mark Watson (pic - middle), technologically aided by Alex Horne and tucked away in the BBC4 schedules. Hunt it down (Tuesdays, 10pm. Look, we’ve done it for you), we think you’ll enjoy it.

More comedy being released this month includes Saturday Night Fry, Stephen Fry’s hugely funny 1988 radio series, which has only taken 21 years to make it on to BBC Audio - a bit of a mystery given the series’ quality, but there you go, it’s out now.

No Bill Bailey news this month, or rather there is, but it’s the same Bill Bailey news as last month’s Bill Bailey news, so no new news.

Lastly, pub news, and huge congratulations to Martin down the Royal Standard who

celebrated many years ( I won’t say how many!) behind the bar with a right royal knees-up last month where a marvellous time was had by all. Here’s to another something something years!

And that is the end of the news for this month, please return to what you were doing.

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New writer Martin O Miles fills us in on the history of the world’s first public train service, the Surrey Iron Railway. . .

T

he Surrey Iron Railway(or the Croydon, Merstham and Godstone Iron Railway to be precise), was, believe it or not, the first public iron railway ever to be constructed, and was operational from 1803 through to 1838.

Initially, it ran from Wandsworth through to Croydon and was extended in 1805 through Coulsdon up to Merstham. Over the years, a lot of this railway has been destroyed with only a small amount, some of which is now listed as an ancient monument, remaining today.

The whole project was designed and engineered by a man named Sir Edward Banks (1770-1835). Some of Banks’ other contracts included the current Southwark bridge, the old Waterloo

300 feet towards Chipstead Valley Road, where it crossed the road with a very large horseshoe-shaped bridge. The bridge allowed a clearance of 20 feet underneath in order to allow horsedrawn wagons laden with local produce such as hay and sacks of beans from Farthing Downs and other small farms in the area to pass underneath.

These wagons would convene at the Red Lion pub in Coulsdon, the main place of business in the 1800s. Evidence of the embankment on to the bridge can still be seen on Chipstead Valley road behind St. Dunstan’s Cottages next to the Lion Green Post Office. Heading north, things become very interesting (mostly for me, I should imagine!) for the reason that if

The twelve carriages of the train, weighing fifty-five tons, were pulled by a single horse and managed a respectable two miles an hour bridge and the old London bridge which was built in 1831 and closed in 1962. It was this bridge that was rebuilt in Arizona, USA in 1968 and remains there to this day. Banks lived near Chipstead, and was so fond of the place that he is now buried in the village at St. Margaret’s Church, in a large box tomb next to an ancient yew tree. Inside the church is a monument to him with all the bridges he designed carved into the stone. But I digress… First of all, let me tell you about the railway. The rails were made of iron (hence the name…) and the track was laid in 3ft sections. The 12 carriages, weighing 55 tons, were pulled by a single horse and bearing in mind they don’t make horses like they used to, managed a respectable 2mph.

When entering Coulsdon from the south on the A23 you can look to your left after Hollymeoak Road you can follow a small ridge where the track originally lay leading across the fields and eventually up to where Cane Hill Hospital would be built. Further on, it crossed a grand piece of earthworks that can still be seen at the rear of the Lion Green Cark Park. This section of embankment is 30 feet in height and spanned a distance of

you use the footbridge from St. Andrews Road (over what is now the Tattenham Corner line) to Woodman Road you can see another bridge further along the track on the right, with peoples’ gardens backing onto it. This is where it all started for me as I had always wondered what is was used for.

This bridge was built in 1805 and back then the surrounding area would have been nothing but fields. The houses that are there today were built in the early 1900s so I would guess that they left the bridge there due to the fact that South Eastern and Chatham Railways would have owned it, as the line underneath had been built only a few years earlier. Even today, it is maintained from time to time by Network Rail to ensure the safe passage of the trains underneath. Now, the reason I know this is because one day I said to my four year old boy, “Come on, get your shoes on - we’re going for a walk!” (He loves his walks!).

We went up Woodman Road to roughly where I figured the bridge would be and knocked 44

on a few doors. After a slightly shaky start soon enough we spoke to one old lady and Bingo! 5 minutes later I was stood on the bridge. It’s quite surprising where you can get to if you take a small four year old boy with blond hair and blue eyes.

Somehow, I don’t expect I would have got quite so far if I’d just been by myself, what with having no hair and sporting a Stone Island duffel jacket. Anyhow, on the bridge there didn’t appear to be any of the original tracks left, although there are 3 large concrete slabs which initially I thought must have been pad stones for the tracks to lie on, but I now suspect could have been WWII ant-tank devices that were used to stop German tanks from being able to use the railways as straight paths to London. Heading further along the Iron Railway would bring you to a split in the line at what is now the top of The Avenue in Coulsdon. One branch headed off towards Wallington Library, whilst the other would lead towards Croydon. The embankment for the track can still be seen in Purley Rotary Fields, along with one of three small sections of track that have been kept as a monument to what was once a shining example of the height of modern industry. The other two remaining track segments can be found in Quality Street in Merstham as well as in the Library Gardens in Wallington.

Martin O Miles is the curator of the new Coulsdon History website - for further information and for all things related to Coulsdon’s History visit www.coulsdonhistory.co.uk

Stockists: CENTRAL CROYDON: • All Bar One • Bar Red Square • Bar Se7en • Beanos Records • Bedford Tavern • Black Sheep Bar • Brief • Bull’s Head • Clocktower (Tourist Info) • Dog & Bull • Eagle • Fairfield Halls • Goose on the Market • Gun Tavern • Green Dragon • Half and Half Lounge Bar • Loop Pool Bar • Milan Bar • Mojama • Natterjacks (St George’s Walk) • Royal Standard • Ship • Spreadeagle • Steelpoint Tattoo • Strictly UK (Tramms) • Surrey Cricketers • Tiger Tiger • Timebomb Clothing • Walkabout • Yates’s Wine Lodge EAST CROY: • Builders Arms • Glamorgan • Orchard • Oval • Porter & Sorter • Tramlink Info Centre • Warehouse Theatre WEST CROY: • Bird in Hand • Sims Tattoos • Davys Wine Bar • Forbidden Planet • Fox and Hounds • Windmill

SOUTH END & SOUTH CROY: • Bodega • Croham Arms • Crown & Pepper • Crown & Sceptre • Earl of Eldon • Edge • Folly • Jalalis • Kays Off Licence • LA Fitness (Royal Oak) • La Spezia Deli (Old Pharmacy - Swan & Sugarloaf) • Laithwaite’s Wines (opp.

Windsor Castle) • Peking Tasty • Purley Arms • Rail View • Red Deer • Rupali • Ruskin House • Sackville Gallery • Scream Studios • Stag & Hounds • Sth Croydon BR • Swan & Sugarloaf • Txt Bar • Treehouse • Unwins (Swan & Sugarloaf) • Wheelwrights Arms • Windsor Castle • Woodman • Zizzi ADDISCOMBE: • Alma Tavern • Claret Free Hs • Cricketers PURLEY: • Baan Thai • Brass Monkey • Coffee Bay (by Purley BR) • Elliott’s • Jolly Farmers • Las Fuentes • Rectory • Purley BR • Purley Pool • Purley Oaks BR • Station Cars

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What’s on?

47 full weekly and daily guide

PURLEY WAY: • Gipsy Moth • Premier Travel Inn Hotel • Green’s Gym

All our information was correct at the time of going to press, but as the only certainty in life is change, we suggest you check before heading out. The opinions and reviews which follow are those of the Editor and staff - if you have an issue to raise about them, please ring us, rather than the venue.

COULSDON: • The Pembroke OLD COULSDON: • The Fox • Tudor Rose

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We’re not psychic, people - let us know! What’s on listings are FREE! Call Angela on 07910 506197 or 020 8680 3558 or e-mail: angela@deep-london.co.uk

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plus online at www.deep-london.co.uk on facebook (deep-london), www.myspace.com/wiredmag, www.issuu.com, http://ski:im

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SELHURST: • Pepperton UK • Selhurst Arms • White Horse • Two Brewers • Lion Inn

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23 June 2009

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WHYTELEAFE: • Whyteleafe Tavern

To advertise please call Angela the Editor on: 07910 506197 / 020 8680 3558 e-mail: angela@deep-london.co.uk 46

what’s on Future Events: • Event: The Chap Olympiad 2009 11th July Much impeccably turned out silliness from The Chap magazine.

Bedford Square, London www.thechap.net • Sport: Glorious Goodwood 28th July - 1st August 5 days of racing on the beautiful Sussex Downs - ‘A Garden Party with racing Tacked On’. Tickets from £9 upwards.

Goodwood Racecourse, Chichester, West Sussex, PO18 0PS 01243 755022 www.goodwood.co.uk

Every Day: • Exhibition: Hidden Treasures from the Mary Rose 7th April - 7th August 2009 A major exhibition of artefacts and history of the Mary Rose, Henry XIII’s flagship.

The Exhibition will be open daily: 10am - 5pm. Telephone Bookings and General Enquiries: 0208 633 9939 Bookings are available in the morning between 10am and 1pm or in the afternoon between 2pm and 5pm.

Please note that last admission is at 4pm.

Whitgift Conference Centre, Whitgift School, Brighton Road, South Croydon CR2 6YT, Tel: 0208 633 9939 www.maryrosehiddentreasures.org • Exhibition: Indian Strings and Dances 10 April – 31 July 2009 This colourful, interactive exhibition is curated by the London Sitar Ensemble, the Museum of Croydon and Sutton Subrang and will showcase the best in Indian music and dance. Indian music and dance is one of the finest traditions in the world. The exhibition will trace the story of these art forms, tracking the evolutionary changes, transformations and contributions of musicians and dancers, both famous and unknown. The 400-year history of travel, migration and cultural exchange between India and Britain has had a significant influence on the cultural scene in Britain.

Indian Strings and Dances aims to explore the significant influence and contribution made by the musicians and dancers of South Asia in Britain.

FREE entry.

Museum Of Croydon, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street • Exhibition: Quick On The Draw 6 June – 19 September 2009 Quick on the Draw is an exhibition looking at the everyday uses of drawing. which illustrates its diverse uses, from a

Something to do every night of the week, Yay! fireworks company who draw designs for fabulous multimedia displays to a wallpaper designer. We use drawing to help people understand ideas, work out problems and communicate thoughts. In Quick on the Draw you can see how in the twenty-first century we continue to use drawing as widely as ever. Its scope and power has been dramatically enhanced by the introduction of new technologies.

The exhibition is divided into three sections. The first is The Great Wall of Drawings, a visual bombardment of drawings used in an astonishing range of different activities, trades and professions.

The second section is Drawings Working, a series of case studies looking in detail at the uses of drawing, including those for palaeontology, wallpaper design and town planning. The drawings are shown in context, highlighting their value and function in achieving the end result and the finished product is displayed alongside the drawings. Drawings by the architect Will Alsop, used as a basis for a consultation exercise about the future of Croydon as it might look in 2020 are on display alongside drawings made by people in Croydon as part of the consultation process. Will Alsop will also be producing a canvas for the exhibition, in collaboration with a local community group. The third section is Everyone can draw! where visitors will have the opportunity to put pen to paper. This gives visitors a chance to focus on aesthetic qualities, shape and form, volume and space, colour and texture and to have some fun! There will also be a series of FREE workshops for children..

Museum Of Croydon, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street Opening hours Monday to Saturday 10.30am-5pm.

• Theatre: Much Ado About Nothing Until 25th June.

The Regent’s Park Open Air Theatre is a much-loved summer tradition of London life. Starring Shakespeare's most reluctant lovers played by Samantha Spiro (Olivier award-winning actress and National Theatre & Donmar regular) and Sean Campion (Olivier and Tony award nominee for Stones in his Pockets), Much Ado About Nothing is a joyous, wise-cracking comedy of love, honour and second chances.

0844 826 4242 www.openairtheatre.com

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Every Monday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Use it or lose it.

Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Music: Community Choir 6-8pm, upstairs, all welcome.

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Singing For The Nervous Free your voice with this friendly singing group, world harmony songs, rounds, chants. 6.30- 8pm. Adult ed rates. Upstairs in the Green Dragon pub, 58-60 Croydon High Street, CR0 1NA Please call/email to come along or get details. catherine@naturalvoice.net 020 8683 4737.

• Music: Big Beer Band The marvellous Big Beer Band do big band music at the Brief. From 9pm ish The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief • Club: Word To Your Mother Music from the 90’s – grunge, Britpop, dodgy pop and vanilla ice Half price drinks until 12am Doors 7pm, free before 10pm.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz.

Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Club: Blue Monday Buy one hour of Pool and recieve one hour free of charge. Don’t worry if you are on a one-hour lunch break - we will give you a voucher to use another day. If you are not a member you can join at reception free of charge if you bring some ID along. More about free membership.

Half price on all drinks Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm Admission is free of charge Dress Code: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required.

Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk

what’s on • Dance: Ballroom & Latin American Ballroom and latin American classes with stars from BB1 show “Strictly Come Dancing” Fairfield Halls Croydon on Monday evenings for all abilities.

8 week course. Booking essential.

Telephone 07944 931130, www.karenhardystudios.com

Every Tuesday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Use it or lose it. Monday - Saturday.

Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Music: Jazz Jam Session Every Tuesday Night at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. All welcome.

The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Quiz: The Pembroke 8pm. 50p per person per round. Plus 2 for 1 on pizzas.

The Pembroke, 12-16 Chipstead Valley Road, Coulsdon, CR5 2RA 020 8763 0800 • Quiz: The Builders Arms Fun general knowledge quiz.

The Builders Arms, 65 Leslie Park Road, Croydon, CR0 6TP 020 8654 1803 • Club: Common People Indie & Beyond. Great songs you know – great songs you don’t. With DJs Colt Zero and Arry Gateau and student friendly Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 11pm. Doors 7pm, £1 before 10pm.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Freedom of Expression presents the best in acoustic music, comedy, poetry and magic - see daily what’s on for who’s playing when.

From 8pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Fitness: Yoga Classes Every Tuesday from 7.30pm-9pm. £5 a class for 6 sessions. Beginners welcome.

140 Brighton Road, Purley.

0208 763 2629 • Dance: Belly Dancing Come and join the fun every Tuesday.

Classes are for women only and suitable for all ages, sizes and levels of ability.

Make sure you wear comfortable clothing and bring a scarf to tie around your hips to really get you in the mood!

Something to do every night of the week, Yay! Open level - suitable for all 6pm-7.15pm In depth class - suitable for experienced dancers only: 7.30pm-8.45pm. £7 per class. Call Charlotte Desorgher on 01342 850423 The Green Room, Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. Box Office: 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Dance: Ceroc Learn to Ceroc every Tuesday in the Arnhem Gallery. Ceroc is an exciting and stylish modern partner dance which can be performed to all types of music. It’s very easy to pick up, no special clothes are required and you don’t need to bring a partner as we make sure everyone mixes together.

Beginners: 8pm; Intermediate: 9pm Freestyle: 9.30pm-11pm Membership £2, Admission £6 For further info tel: 020 8466 5030 or visit: www.cerockent.com Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. Box Office: 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk

Every Wednesday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Use it or lose it. Monday - Saturday.

Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Pool: The Oval Pool Competition Every Wednesday from 19.30 hrs.

Balls and banter - a textbook night in the pub. £2 to enter, with cash prizes.

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Quiz: Mike K’s General Knowledge Quiz From 9.00pm Mike K’s general knowledge quiz, non-members welcome!

Caterham Club, 10A, Croydon Road, Caterham CR36QB • Event: Talent Night Talent Night Open Mic. Every Wednesday. £200 prize!

The Whyteleafe Tavern, 208 Godstone Road, Whyteleafe, CR3 0EE www.whyteleafetavern.com • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige. Starts 8pm with various prizes. Happy Hour Drinks when you buy your books until the first number is called.

The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net 48

• Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Open Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry.

Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted.

Over 18s only - ID required.

Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Club: Discord NEW MUSIC EVERY WEDNESDAY - Check daily what’s on for who’s playing this month. Doors 7pm, £5 entry.plus Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm, plus £1 Tequila shots & £1 bottle of beer.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Event: Whitechapel’s Trail of Terror A highly entertaining and informative tour round the East End hunting ground of Jack The Ripper with John ‘Creepy’ Chambers.

CHECK THIS EVENT IS HAPPENING BEFORE HEADING OUT. www.whitechapelstrailofterror 07507 391 706 • Dance: Dancercise Keep fit and meet new people at this fun and friendly beginners dance class. Come and join the fun every Wednesday.

7.30pm. £3.50.

Central Court, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon www.croydonclocktower.org.uk

Every Thursday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Use it or lose it. Monday - Saturday.

Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Quiz: Two Brewers From 9pm.

Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Quiz: Crown and Sceptre From 9pm.

Crown and Sceptre, 32 Junction Road, South Croydon, 020 8688 8037 • Quiz: Purley Arms Every Thursday..

Purley Arms, 345 Brighton Road, South

what’s on Croydon, 020 8686 3792 • Quiz: JF Big Quiz From 8.30pm. £1 per player. Join in to win a case of beer or cash jackpot!

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Club: ALT.X Rock / Metal / Alternative with DJ Tony X plus guests. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 10pm, plus £1.50 shots of Jager all night!

Free before 10pm, doors 7pm.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Live Blues Live blues at The Oval - see daily what’s on for who’s playing when. Every Thursday and Sunday.

Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry!

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Live Jazz Check daily what’s on for who’s playing when. 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Dance: Clog Dancing Free taster sessions for newcomers to try out some lively N.W. English clog team dances - wear trainers or similar footwear.

Musicians with portable acoustic instruments always welcome too. PLEASE CALL BEFORE HEADING OUT, as some Thursdays this night is not on. 8.30 pm.

FREE! Call 020 8654 5211/020 8657 4056 (eves.) for details United Reformed Church Hall, corner Enmore/Cobden Road, S. Norwood • Dance: Morris Dancing North Wood Morris Men are teaching Men's Morris to complete beginners on Thursday evenings at the Scout Hut in Purley Park Road at 8.15 pm and newcomers are welcome (first call 020 8668 1830) see www.northwoodmorris.org.uk • Dance: The South East London Lindy Hop Club Come and learn to dance Lindy Hop (Jitterbug) like they did in the 1940's. No partner required and Caron and Steve specialise in helping those with two left feet get together with those with two right. Doors open 7.30pm Beginners Class 7.45pm Intermediate Class 8.30pm Freestyle (practice) 9.15pm The Royston Club, 85 Royston Road Penge, London, SE20 7QW www.52ndstreetjump.co.uk

Every Friday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday.

Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Music: DJs Every Friday Night The Folly, 13-15 Selsdon Road, Croydon, 020 8688 3920 • Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night.

Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky.

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Live Music Every Friday night from 8pm. Plus 2 for 1 on Corona and Jacques.

The Pembroke, 12-16 Chipstead Valley Road, Coulsdon, CR5 2RA 020 8763 0800 • Event: Wii Night Every Friday evening.

The View, 188 selsdon Road, South Croydon, CR2 6PL, 020 8688 2315.

• Music: Free Jukebox Fridays Pickachoon for nowt.

The Red Deer, 279 Brighton Road, South Croydon, CR2 6EQ, 020 8688 5599.

• Club: WTF? Four decades of Indie, Alternative, Electro and Punk hits with DJ Zoe Urchin. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Starsound Gold DJ playing all styles of music. from 7pm The Swan and Sugarloaf, Brighton Road, South Croydon • Event: Whitechapel’s Trail of Terror A highly entertaining and informative tour round the East End hunting ground of Jack The Ripper with John ‘Creepy’ Chambers.

CHECK THIS EVENT IS HAPPENING BEFORE HEADING OUT. www.whitechapelstrailofterror 07507 391 706 • Photography: Camera Club Camera Club meeting in West Croydon every Friday night welcomes visitors and new members. Full programme of events

including print/slide talks, portrait evenings, competitions, etc.

Ample parking.

Contact Colin on 020 8665 1678. Visit www.thorntonheathcameraclub.co.uk

Every Saturday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday.

Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Market: Garden Market The Alma Garden Market hopes to create a vibrant bustling market place in the large private courtyard of The Alma pub in Crystal Palace. It runs every Saturday with over 20 stalls selling plants & flowers, beauty products & treatments, exotic oils, olive oils, capers, strawberries, chocolates, jewellery, hand made cards, rugs, leatherwear, knitwear, deli produce & a wide range of arts & crafts from local artists, plus hot food and collectables - and the Jerk Chicken man will be there!

10am - 4pm The Alma, 95 Church Road, Crystal Palace, London SE19 www.thealmapub.com • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday Night Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF, 020 8655 1308 • Music: New Orleans Jazz Quality live jazz every Saturday Night.

From 8.30pm. £6 entry includes free raffle.

Blackheath Hockey Club, Rubens Street, Sydenham, SE6 4DH (behind Old Rutland Pub) • Music: Various Live music every Saturday Night.

The Surrey Cricketers, corner of Lower Coombe Street and West Street, Croydon.

• Music: DJ Ian C playing the best in dance, RnB, garage and more. Every Saturday Night from 8pmmidnight.

The Red Deer, 279 Brighton Road, South Croydon, CR2 6EQ, 020 8688 5599.

• Club: Linton Dance Bombs. Funk Rockets. Beat-Seeking Missiles. Never Outgunned. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: Tiger Tiger Tiger and Raffles Bar: with Capital FM Des Paul and Chris Brooks playing out the best

what’s on in commercial party and dance anthems.

Groovy Wonderland: 70’s and 80’s floor fillers.

Club: Commercial House.

Admission free before 10pm, £7 after Guestlist free before 11pm, £5 after Dress code: Dress to Impress - No Sportswear.

Tiger Tiger, 14-16 High Street, Croydon, CR0 1GT. 020 8662 4949 www.tigertiger-croydon.co.uk • Music: Various Live music most Saturday nights.

The Good Companions, Hamsey Green, South Croydon. 020 8657 6655

Every Sunday: • Music: New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Live Jazz Lunchtime Jazz every Sunday from 1pm.

See daily what’s on for who’s playing this month. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Live Blues Live blues at The Oval - see daily what’s on for who’s playing when. Every Thursday and Sunday.

Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry!

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Dance: Burlesque and Pole Dancing Lessons 5-7pm, sorry chaps, Ladies Only!

Upstairs.

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Event: Open The Box Every Sunday lunchtime in June.

The View, 188 selsdon Road, South Croydon, CR2 6PL, 020 8688 2315.

• Quiz: The View Every Sunday evening.

The View, 188 selsdon Road, South Croydon, CR2 6PL, 020 8688 2315.

• Quiz: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8pm. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm.

Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road,

Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Karaoke: The White Horse Every Sunday Night from 7pm.

The White Horse, 1 Selhurst Road, Selhurst, South Norwood, 020 8240 0948 • Music: Open Mic Musicians (all instruments) welcome. With one of our 4 fantastic hosts: Dave Mac, Rob Cushman, Neil Mac and Steve Bright The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Event: Whitechapel’s Trail of Terror A highly entertaining and informative tour round the East End hunting ground of Jack The Ripper with John ‘Creepy’ Chambers.

CHECK THIS EVENT IS HAPPENING BEFORE HEADING OUT. www.whitechapelstrailofterror 07507 391 706

Got something going on?

Let us know e-mail: angela@deeplondon.co.uk

Monday 01 June • Music: Croydon Jazz Band Big band jazz - 1st Monday of every month Botley Hill Farmhouse, Limpsfield Road, Warlingham Surrey, CR6 9QH. Phone: 01959 577154 email: enquiries@botleyhillfarmhouse.co.uk • Event: Ministry of Burlesque presents: High Tease Workshop Returning with added zest and more routines, MOB Academy’s fun-filled workshop, led by Gypsy Charms, will lead you on a whirlwind tour of the world of burlesque. The workshop is designed for those who have no or little experience of burlesque as well as those who do and those considering taking to the stage to reveal their inner burlesque beauty to the world. 7-9pm, £6 (£5 concessions).

Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon, CR9 1ET Tel: 020 8253 1030 Minicom: 020 8253 1027 e-mail: ticketoffice@croydon.gov.uk 50

• Theatre: As You Like It Shakespeare’s celebration of the incomparable delights of love.

7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside.

For more info visit www.shakespearesglobe.org

Tue 02 • Event: Anna’s Cocktail Night 1st and 3rd Tuesdays of the month.

The Oval does kitsch! Great house cocktail menu, complete with Twiglets on the bar.

Watch out for DJs and guest live music slots.

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Event: Ministry of Burlesque presents: High Tease Workshop Returning with added zest and more routines, MOB Academy’s fun-filled workshop, led by Gypsy Charms, will lead you on a whirlwind tour of the world of burlesque. The workshop is designed for those who have no or little experience of burlesque as well as those who do and those considering taking to the stage to reveal their inner burlesque beauty to the world. 7-9pm, £6 (£5 concessions).

Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon, CR9 1ET Tel: 020 8253 1030 Minicom: 020 8253 1027 • Music: Live Jazz Live 5 piece Jazz band every first Tuesday of the month.

The Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet An overwhelming combination of lyricism, youthful oassion and inevitable tragedy the greatest of all love stories.

7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside.

For more info visit www.shakespearesglobe.org • Music: Freedom of Expression presents the best in acoustic music, comedy, poetry and magic with Sam Enthoven + open mic... from 8pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

what’s on Wed 03 • Music: Dragon’s Ball with Arcane Roots, Silent Front and possibly some swing dancing if anyone fancies it. Bands from 9pm - FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Discord presents Bangers, South London’s most magnavolt live and open mic hiphop session, hosted by Oliver Sudden.

Featuring DJs Blue Movies and Al Mighty on the decks. £2 all night, doors 7pm.

Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm, plus £1 Tequila shots & £1 bottle of beer.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Dance: Swing Dance Classes with Swing Patrol, only £5, 7pm.

Upstairs The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Event: Ministry of Burlesque presents: High Tease Revue An uproarious medley of bawdy comedy, burlesque and razor wit. A celebration of traditional music hall delivered with 21st century sass, glamour and sophistication.

Absurdly wonderful, this is a unique homage to our comedy heritage.

8pm-9.30pm, £10 (£7.50 concessions).

Book both workshop and show for £15.

Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon, CR9 1ET Tel: 020 8253 1030 Minicom: 020 8253 1027 www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Event: Psychic Night 6-11pm. £20 per person.

The Good Companions, Limpsfield Road, Hamsey Green, South Croydon, 020 8657 6655 • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02.

2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Thu 04 • Event: Local and European Elections Vote - be told.

• Music: Dave Peabody & Colin Earl Class guitar and piano duo, featuring

founder member of Mungo Jerry on the ivories. Yer know: witty too.

Live blues at The Oval.

Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry!

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: The New Delta Big Band From Ellington to Herman, big band jazz at its best! 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month.

The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Music: The Hangovers + support.Live! FREE! Upstairs The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Jam Session Alternate Thursdays - 4th & 18th June Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF, 020 8655 1308 • Bingo: Cash Bingo Every 1st Thursday of the month.

The White Horse, 1 Selhurst Road, Selhurst, South Norwood, 020 8240 0948 • Theatre: We Share The Same Sky “An inspiration - proves the power of the arts to reinforce morale and create a culture of progress.” Tony Benn.

A look at the world of work and migration in the context of the global economic downturn. 6pm - 7.30pm. £7.50 (£6 concessions) Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon, CR9 1ET Tel: 020 8253 1030 Minicom: 020 8253 1027 www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02.

7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Fri 05 • CHARITY: Pirate Night Charity do for RNLI. £2 entry. Music by Djs Freeqboi and Cherrybomb.

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

• Music: 10cc Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Music: Dj BennyManyHats playing indie, reggae, ska and classics.

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Dance: Come and Dance Modern Jive, Argentine Tango, Ballroom, Waltz - free modern jive lesson. Call 020 8647 8993 for more info.

Starts 8pm - Entrance £5.

Airport House, Purley Way, Croydon CR0 0XZ • Disco: Rita and Dee’s Over 30s Disco Motown and Soul Night. £6 Entry.

Rayon D’Or, Airport House, Purley way, Croydon, CR0 0XZ 020 8781 1816 www.rayondor.co.uk • Music: Red Herring 9.30pm. Hendrix-inspired covers, back by popular request.

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Sauce!

9pm-1am.

The Alma Tavern, Lower Addiscombe Road, East Croydon • Music: Boot Led Zeppelin Half Moon, Putney • Club: House Suckers Commercial uplifting vocal house Croydon's most fun night returns to Loop Lounge.

FREE lollipop vodka FREE bubbly FREE lollipops 9pm until 3am £5 on the door, Guest list: 07793 290 638 Dress Code: Sexy! (No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted). Over 18s only - ID required.

Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02.

2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

what’s on Sat 06 • Event: The Derby Gee-gees! See articles this issue.

• Theatre: The Little Mermaid Suitable for ages 4 and up. 2.30pm3.30pm. £6 (£5 concessions) Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon, CR9 1ET Tel: 020 8253 1030 Minicom: 020 8253 1027 www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Music: DJ Rob Delta 1st Saturday of the month.

Funk, blues, soul and psychedelia.

FREE entry.

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: DJ Sam plays a cornucopiia of aural delights.

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Event: Rock n Roll Theme Night Dinner and Dance. £22.95 includes buffet meal.

Rayon D’Or, Airport House, Purley way, Croydon, CR0 0XZ 020 8781 1816 www.rayondor.co.uk • Music: Texas Thunder 9.30pm. Described as ‘England’s masters of the lone star sounds’ by Blues Revue magazine in the US. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Tuff Duo Live music at the Companions.

The Good Companions, Limpsfield Road, Hamsey Green, South Croydon, 020 8657 6655 • Music: Act tbc Live music at The View.

The View, 188 Selsdon Road, Croydon CR2 6PL, 020 8688 2315 • Club: Passion Promotions presents Abigail Bailey (Toolroom) and Charlie Hedges (Kiss 100) Passion are back at Loop Lounge, to bring you a show stopping cocktail with one of the finest female Electro House DJs, vocalists and producers on the house scene - Abigail Bailey! Also returning to Loop Lounge is Passion’s Kiss 100 resident, Charlie Hedges. Hosting the breakfast show with Ricky and Melvin, Charlie is one of London’s busiest DJs. Charlie has played in Ibiza as well as some of London’s biggest clubs. The remaining lineup comprises Passion’s talented residents including Pacha resident, Ruxpin.

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on 9pm until 3am Tickets: £8 advance - more on the door.

Guestlist is available. Call 07930 535 101 or 07955 027 412 for info and ticket dropoffs, or contact Passion Promotions on the facebook. This event will sell out!

Dress Code: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required.

Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Theatre: No More Heroes and Sunday 7th. 2pm matinee and 8pm evening performance both days. £2 entry.

A play about super villainy by Roberto Prestoni. See article, last month’s issue.

STARRING: Matt Lunnemann, Red Cook, Samantha Stone, Adam Tulloch, James 'Lord' Farr, with Kizzy Kaye as Abigail and Steve Douglas as Colin WARNING – Script contains lots and lots of swear words. The play is in two acts (with interval) and the whole thing will be over within one hour. Arrive early to enjoy a tasty meal from The Brief's mouthwatering menu. Perhaps stick around after to enjoy one of The Brief's selection of refreshing drinks.

The Brief, The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon, 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02.

7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Club: 13th Floor Club Come ye, come ye - to a D-Day 13th Floor, where the D stands for 'dance'. and 'Downliners Sect', 'Deviants', 'Doors' and 'Del-Vetts'. Oh dear, I've made it sound like a theme evening now. It's not. It's five hours of 60s garage, psych and pop with me and guest DJs The Northern Roses.

9pm-2am. Free before 10pm, then a fiver.

The Albany, by Great Portland St tube, London. For more info search for 13th Floor Club on facebook.

Sun 07 • Music: Tony Barnard Quartet Live Jazz, 1pm-3.30pm, FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

52

• Music: John O'Leary Band Savoy Brown founder and unit deliver Junior Wells meets Grant Green in this fantastically powerful and persuasive fusion of hard Chicago harp and Blue Note style grooves.

Live blues at The Oval.

Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry!

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: The Glitter Room Classic Cabaret Burlesque show set to the finest 50's soundtrack courtesy of 'London's Gentleman Of Rock'n'Roll' - DJ $uave. Burlesque performances from Slinky Sparkles, Kiki Kaboom and compere Tempest Rose. Also starring Beulah Bel, Fifi Fatale, Tiara Diamond, Princess Angelique, Mr.Mistress, Harlot DeVille & The Knicker Bocker Glories, Miss Ruby Woo and the Stage Maid will be the supersexy Ms. Loula Cherry. £100 La Magia lingerie gift voucher for best dressed so get your gladrags on!All tickets entered into a prize draw to win £50 worth of goodies courtesy of Voodoo Bettys Boutique.

Tickets £8 in advance from www.suavepromotions.com or on the door at no extra charge.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Theatre: No More Heroes See Saturday 6th. EXTRA PERFORMANCE today only at 5pm.

The Brief, The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon, 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief • Sport: The Great British Race Day Six exciting races, proms in the paddock with The Sussex Band of the Royal British Legion, best Brighton banger competition, traditional seaside entertainment and amusements, Upsan Downs Derby Race plus more - check the website for more details and prices etc.

Gates open 12.30, first race 2.30pm, last race 5pm.

Brighton Racecourse www.brighton-racecourse.co.uk 01273 603580 • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 1 pm and 6.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

Audio described performance (matinee only) The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

what’s on

Please mention Deep-London when visiting venues...

Mon 08 • Music: Big Beer Band The marvellous Big Beer Band do big band music at the Brief. From 9pm ish The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief • Club: Word To Your Mother Music from the 90’s – grunge, Britpop, dodgy pop and vanilla ice Half price drinks until 12am Doors 7pm, free before 10pm.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz.

Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Club: Blue Monday Buy one hour of Pool and recieve one hour free of charge. Don’t worry if you are on a one-hour lunch break - we will give you a voucher to use another day. If you are not a member you can join at reception free of charge if you bring some ID along. More about free membership.

Half price on all drinks Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm Admission is free of charge Dress Code: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required.

Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk

Tue 09 • Music: Open Mic Simon Hughes's blues and acoustic open Open Mike nights. We let you entertain us! From 20.30 hrs.

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Freedom of Expression presents the best in acoustic music, comedy, poetry and magic with Oot Of The Ordinary, Eddie’s Brother, Mark Woods and Mechanical Misfit.

From 8pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

• Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02.

7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Wed 10 • Club: Discord presents MISS NICARAGUA + GUESTS. The legendary Club Nic meets hardcore / hiphop live extravaganza, plus guest DJs and much more. Doors 7pm, £3 entry.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Theatre: The Mozart Question Paolo Levi is the world’s greatest violinist but he refuses to play Mozart. Why? A wonderful and poignant piece performed by actor and violinist Andrew Bridgemont.

7.30pm-8.30pm. £7.50 (£6 concessions) Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon, CR9 1ET Tel: 020 8253 1030 Minicom: 020 8253 1027 www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Sport: Brighton Races Check the website for more details and prices etc.

Brighton Racecourse www.brighton-racecourse.co.uk 01273 603580 • Music: Act tbc The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 2pm and 7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Thu 11 • Music: Boogie Lightning Dazzling boogie woogie from hard-driving piano man Jamie Rowan.

Live blues at The Oval.

Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry!

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: The Brian Hetherington Jazz Band Listen or jive to the authentic rythyms of New Orleans. 8.30pm-11pm. FREE!

Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month.

The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Clone - Live Recording In the 6 months that CLONE have been together, the hard work of constant, demanding rehearsals has paid off. With gigs now being booked regularly and residency's fast becoming the norm, they are looking to expand out across the UK. So how are Clone going to do this? The answer? A demo CD! This is where you come in. A live CD can't really be recorded if there's no crowd. And we NEED noise!

Lots of clapping, cheering, screaming etc.

However please refrain from knickerthrowing because the mics won't pick that up quite so well. What's in it for you?

Well. As thanks - put your name on the sheet that we'll be passing round that night to get your FREE copy of the whole nights gig! Please come down and get yourself heard! 9pm - 11pm.

The Ship, High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon • Event: Croydon Communicators Learn to speak confidently in public with Croydon Communicators. 6-8pm. upstairs.

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Open Mic Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month - all welcome The Good Companions, Hamsey Green, South Croydon. 020 8657 6655 • Music: Croydon Jazz Jam A day of mixing, jamming and masterclasses for people aged 13-19.

Covers all genres from Mozart to Jay Z 12 noon til 5pm - FREE! For more info see www.myspace.com/croydonmusicjam or email: arts@croydon.gov.uk Stanley Halls, South Norwood Hill, SE25.

• Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02.

2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Fri 12 • Music: Counterfeit Stones Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Music: Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival 2009 11.30 -12.30pm - Reconcillation Jazz DJ 12.30 - 1.15pm - Richard Madgwick Trio 1.15 - 1.30pm -Reconcillation Jazz DJ 1.30 - 2.15pm - Richard Madgwick Trio 2.30 - 3.00pm - Reconcillation Jazz DJ

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on...

ALL FREE! North End Stage, North End, Croydon www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Comedy: Jimmy Carr Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Music: Hound Dog Geoff and Mr Elmo 8pm - FREE. The Ship, High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon • Music: Laveer with support from Superman Revenge Squad, October Rising and Lisbec Stainton.

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Arun Ghosh “Upfront mix of South Asian melodies and western street grooves.” The Guardian.

6 - 7pm - Meet the Band & Workshop FREE in Croydon Clocktower Braithwaite Hall, then Arun performs with his 6 piece band. 8pm-10pm. £10 (£7.50 concessions).

Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival.

Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon, CR9 1ET Tel: 020 8253 1030 Minicom: 020 8253 1027 www.croydonclocktower.org.uk www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Music: MOSCOW DRIVE + SHIVERY + WHITESTAR. £4 (£3 with flyer). DOORS 8PM ID REQUIRED. A Frantic Promotion The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief www.myspace.com/franticpromotions • Event: Wine Tasting of fine wines from Australia. Tickets £15.

Book in person, on the phone or online from The Warehouse Theatre, Dingwall Road, Croydon.

11th Floor, Amp House, Dingwall Road booking: 020 8680 4060 www.warehousetheatre.co.uk • Disco: Rita and Dee’s Over 30s Disco Motown and Soul Night. £6 Entry.

Rayon D’Or, Airport House, Purley way, Croydon, CR0 0XZ 020 8781 1816 www.rayondor.co.uk • Music: Rik Martin Band 9.30pm. Lively energetic blues band, always a great night. Part of Purley Music Week.

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk www.purleymusicweek.com

• Music: Jam Night Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month.

All welcome!

The Good Companions, Limpsfield Road, Hamsey Green, South Croydon, 020 8657 6655 • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 7.30pm and midnight matinee, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Sat 13 • Charity: Help For Heroes Charity Night DJ, raffle and more - all proceeds to charity - free entry The Colonnades, Purley Way, CR0 4RJ, 020 8686 8923 (bus 119) • Music: DJ Rob Delta plays sixties soul and psychedelia.

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival 2009 10.30 - 12.30pm - London Jazz Kings 11.30 - 12.30pm -Reconcillation Jazz DJ 12.30 - 1.15pm - Big Beer Band 1.15 - 1.30pm - Reconcillation Jazz DJ 1.30 - 2.15pm - Big Beer Band 2.30 - 3.00pm - Reconcillation Jazz DJ ALL FREE! North End Stage, North End, Croydon www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Music: Lunchtime Jazz Part of Purley Music Week.

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk www.purleymusicweek.com • Music: Jazz, Blues & Gospel Show Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival 7.30 – 8.15pm - JAZZ SET: Dave Markee Jazz Collective with Jessie Markee & Shane Hill 8.20 – 9.00pm -BLUES SET: Abram Wilson & The Delta Blues Trio 9.15 - 9.45pm - Church Boyz 9.45 - 10.15pm - GMWC Choir 10.15 - 10.45pm - BLUES SET: Copeland Green & Deliverance 10.45 - 11.00pm - ALL for Finale "O Happy Day!" Doors 7pm. £12 entry.

Ashcroft Theatre, Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon 020 8688 9291 54

what’s on www.fairfield.co.uk www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Music: Kocoa Brown & The Fusionnaires Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival 8-10.30pm. £3.

The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Theatre: Room on the Broom Witchy kiddie fun. Suitable for ages 3 and up. 2.30pm-3.20pm. £6 (£5 concessions) Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon, CR9 1ET Tel: 020 8253 1030 Minicom: 020 8253 1027 www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Music: Commissioner G 9.30pm. Rebellious rock covers for those who like it loud and proud! Part of Purley Music Week.

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Club: Global House Sessions Global House Sessions launches in London with none other than one of the most respected house producers in recent years - StoneBridge. StoneBridge's top ten hits include Put 'em High and Take Me Away as well as a Number 1 album in the UK and European Dance Charts. If that's not enough, London’s finest DJs also grace the decks playing the very best in house music until 5am with our extended license.

DJs on the night include:- StoneBridge (Put ‘em High), James Murray (Gifted), Jesse James (Connected), Kids of Funk (Perverted Audio), JonO (Heavyweight House), George Turner (Dirty Disclosure) Also on the night please expect:A 5am extended licence, Sexy dancers, State of the art lighting and lasers, Free CD giveaways, Free sweets & goodies, The finest house music.

9pm until 5am Tickets: £10 advance. More on the door. A limited number of advance tickets are on sale now, direct from Loop Lounge or by calling James on 07870 879 983.

Dress Code: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required.

Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01. 2pm and 7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on...

• Music: A Night Of Intense Enjoyment featuring live music from The LayLanas + Deadbeat Descendant + The Devil Wrays.

8pm - midnight.

The Prince Albert, Trafalgar Street, Brighton. email: descendants@deadbeatdescendant.co.uk

Sun 14 • Music: Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival 2009 11.30 -12.30pm - Reconcillation Jazz DJ 12.30 - 1.15pm - Geoff Mason - Roland Lacey Quintet 1.15 - 1.30pm - Reconcillation Jazz DJ 1.30 - 2.15pm - Geoff Mason - Roland Lacey Quintet 2.30 - 3.00pm - Reconcillation Jazz DJ ALL FREE! North End Stage, North End, Croydon www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Music: Brandon Allen Live Jazz in the afternoon from 12.30 2.15pm. FREE! Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival. www.jazznet.co.uk The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Music: Hannah Boros Showtunes! Lunchtime! What’s not to like?

Part of Purley Music Week.

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk www.purleymusicweek.com • Music: Act tbc Live blues at The Oval.

Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry!

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Harambe + Guests. 8pm-11pm. £3.

Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival.

The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 1pm and 6.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Mon 15

Wed 17

• Music: Souled Up 9pm. Part of Purley Music Week.

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk www.purleymusicweek.com • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

• Club: Discord NEW MUSIC EVERY WEDNESDAY PRESENTS: Indie / Punk / Ska extravaganza with Supernovas plus support from The Inwits, Krakatoa and Truebeat. Doors 7pm, £4 entry. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm, plus £1 Tequila shots & £1 bottle of beer.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Asaf Sirkis 6.00 - 8.00pm - Asaf Sirkis Jazz Workshop Admission £3.00 8.00 - 11.00pm - Asaf Sirkis Jazz Concert Admission £3.00 Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival.

The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Music: B#Sharp 9pm. Part of Purley Music Week.

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk www.purleymusicweek.com • Dance: Swing Dance Classes with Swing Patrol, only £5, 7pm.

Upstairs The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33. Signed performance The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Tue 16 • Music: Phil Singleton & The Dave Markee Jazz Collective 1-2pm. £5.

Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival.

Ashcroft Theatre, Fairfield Halls, Croydon 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Event: Anna’s Cocktail Night 1st and 3rd Tuesdays of the month.

The Oval does kitsch! Great house cocktail menu, complete with Twiglets on the bar.

Watch out for DJs and guest live music slots. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Freedom of Expression presents the best in acoustic music, comedy, poetry and magic with AnneMarie Sanderson and Eva + open mic.

From 8pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Jessi Markee + Guests. 8.00 - 11.00pm. £3.00 Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival.

The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Comedy: Jimmy Carr Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Music: Symphony Cult 9pm. Part of Purley Music Week.

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk www.purleymusicweek.com • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

2pm and 7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Thu 18 • Music: The New Delta Big Band From Ellington to Herman, big band jazz at its best! 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month.

The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Jam Session Alternate Thursdays - 4th & 18th June Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF, 020 8655 1308 • Music: Ron Trueman Border + Ant Law 8.30 - 11.00pm. Admission £3.00 Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival.

The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on...

020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Music: Crosstown Lightnin featuring Buffalo Bill and Charles Shaar Murray. 8pm. FREE! Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival.

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Music: Dave Markee Jazz Collective 8.30 - 11.00pm - FREE! Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival.

Auberge Restaurant, 2nd Floor, Whitgift Centre, Croydon www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Theatre: The Man Who Was Hamlet The intriguing story of Edward De Vere who some believe may have been ‘the real William Shakespeare’. 7.30pm-8.50pm. £7.50 (£6 concessions) Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon, CR9 1ET Tel: 020 8253 1030 Minicom: 020 8253 1027 www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Fri 19 • Music: Paul Cox Blues Band + Riptide. 8.30 - 11.00pm. Admission £3.00 Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival.

The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Music: Loz Netto 9.30pm. Part of Purley Music Week.

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk www.purleymusicweek.com • Music: DJ Yours Truly “will attempt to keep it together...”

Esther on the decks!

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

• Music: DJ Jon Bishop 3rd Friday of the month.

Last month’s star of Croydonhello does his thing. FREE entry.

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Theatre: Shaolin Warriers Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01. 2pm and 7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

• Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Music: Mordecai + Godsized.

7.30pm. A Frantic Promotion The Bull and Gate, Kentish Town, London, NW5 2TJ www.myspace.com/franticpromotions

Sun 21

Sat 20 • Event: Fashion Restyling Classes FREE! 10am-4pm. Part of Croydon Fashion Festival.

Whitgift Centre (next to Waterstones) Croydon • Music: Lunchtime Jazz Part of Purley Music Week.

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk www.purleymusicweek.com • Music: Never Mind The Bongos Live music at The View.

The View, 188 Selsdon Road, Croydon CR2 6PL, 020 8688 2315 • Music: Brightwhite Duo 9.30pm. Part of Purley Music Week.

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk www.purleymusicweek.com • Club: Audiopollen Sunglasses at night party with Simon Dale from Kiss. Time to put on those shades for a bit of ibiza style raving! Not only will be bringing you London's finest DJs including Simon Dale from Kiss, but we also have a few other treats for you: FREE sunglasses, FREE vodka shot, FREE glowsticks 9pm until 3am Tickets: to be confirmed Dress Code: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required.

Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Club: Club Nic 3D More wub wub mayhem and chaos with a vague military theme. Open til 2am. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub 56

• Event: Father’s Day Boozy-woozy!

• Event: Fashion Restyling Classes FREE! 10am-4pm. Part of Croydon Fashion Festival.

Whitgift Centre (next to Waterstones) Croydon • Music: Josephine Davies Live Jazz in the afternoon from 12.30 2.15pm. FREE! Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival. www.jazznet.co.uk The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Music: Act tbc Live blues at The Oval.

Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry!

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Purley Music Week End of Purley Music Week celebration Event including Coulsdon and Purley’s Got Talent competition!

Part of Purley Music Week.

The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk www.purleymusicweek.com • Music: Kocoa Brown & The Fusionnaires 12.30 -2.30pm. FREE! Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival.

The Tree House, South End, Croydon www.croydonjazzfestival.com • Music: Tres Geezers Blues 4pm-6.30pm. FREE! Part of Croydon Jazz and Blues Festival.

The Bull Inn, Chelsham www.croydonjazzfestival.com

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on...

• Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 1pm and 6.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Mon 22 • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Sport: Wimbledon Until July 5th.

New balls please! Oh Jesus I’m sooo funny...

Tue 23 • Music: Open Mic Simon Hughes's blues and acoustic open Open Mike nights. We let you entertain us! From 20.30 hrs.

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Freedom of Expression presents the best in acoustic music, comedy, poetry and magic with Laveer, Mike Halliwell, Jennie Saunders and Jesse James.

From 8pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 5860 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Sport: Brighton Races Lord’s Taverners Race Day. Check the website for more details and prices etc.

Brighton Racecourse www.brighton-racecourse.co.uk 01273 603580 • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Wed 24 • Club: Discord NEW MUSIC EVERY WEDNESDAY presents GOLDIELOCKS: Nominated for Breakthrough Producer of 2009, Goldielocks brings her popular blend of Grime, Dubstep and Hiphop back to her hometown. Plus guests In The Long Run. Doors 7pm, £5 entry.plus Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm, plus £1 Tequila shots

& £1 bottle of beer.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Dance: Swing Dance Classes with Swing Patrol, only £5, 7pm.

Upstairs The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Thu 25 • Music: The Brian Hetherington Jazz Band Listen or jive to the authentic rythyms of New Orleans. 8.30pm-11pm. FREE! Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month.

The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Act tbc Live blues at The Oval.

Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry!

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Theatre: My Darling Clemmie The remarkable, moving and highly entertaining story of the woman wh married Winston Churchill.

7.30pm-9.10pm. £7.50 (£6 concessions) Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon, CR9 1ET Tel: 020 8253 1030 Minicom: 020 8253 1027 www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Event: Wear Not Waste FREE! 3.30pm/6.30pm. Recycled fashion show. Part of Croydon Fashion Festival.

Whitgift Centre, Croydon • Event: Croydon Communicators Learn to speak confidently in public with Croydon Communicators. 6-8pm. upstairs.

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Open Mic Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month - all welcome The Good Companions, Hamsey Green, South Croydon. 020 8657 6655

• Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

2pm and 7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Music: The Specials Extra gig - no more details at time of going to print. 100 Club, Oxford Street,

Fri 26 • Event: ‘Fancy Pants’ Sassy and creative knicker-making workshops, 12-2.30pm and 6-9pm. As part of Croydon Fashion Festival.

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Comedy: Croydon Comedy Club Live stand-up at the Fairfield, every fortnight. 8.30pm - £9.

Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Disco: Rita and Dee’s Over 30s Disco Motown and Soul Night. £6 Entry.

Rayon D’Or, Airport House, Purley way, Croydon, CR0 0XZ 020 8781 1816 www.rayondor.co.uk • Music: Jam Night Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month.

All welcome!

The Good Companions, Limpsfield Road, Hamsey Green, South Croydon, 020 8657 6655 • Music: Rockabilly Night Live music at the Companions.

The Good Companions, Limpsfield Road, Hamsey Green, South Croydon, 020 8657 6655 • Music: Bacalao Thrilling and colourful 12 strong salsa show bands performing Cuban sounds fusing Rhumba and Cha Cha with Salsa and Mambo.

8-10pm. £10 (£7.50 concessions) Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon, CR9 1ET Tel: 020 8253 1030 Minicom: 020 8253 1027 www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Karaoke: Two Brewers Every last Friday of the month. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Event: Ladies Night with drag artiste. £5 entry includes free glass of wine / cocktail. Tickets available in advance from the bar.

The View, 188 Selsdon Road, Croydon CR2 6PL, 020 8688 2315

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on...

• Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Comedy: Sketchatron An enormous Sketchatron Classic night featuring sketch all-stars The Penny Dreadfuls, Tommy & The Weeks, Anna & Katy and Will Andrews.

The Pleasance Theatre, Islington, London book online here: www.pleasance.co.uk Or call 020 7609 1800 for tickets

Sat 27 • Music: DJ BennyManyHats 4th Saturday of the month.

Playing the way only Benny can.

FREE entry.

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Djs Freeqboi and Cherrybomb make their random yet seductive assault on yer lug'oles...plus... Dan and Ash are up to something...

The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: ATL Party Night Live music at the Companions.

The Good Companions, Limpsfield Road, Hamsey Green, South Croydon, 020 8657 6655 • Event: Tom Jones Theme Night Dinner and Dance. £22.95 includes buffet meal.

Rayon D’Or, Airport House, Purley way, Croydon, CR0 0XZ 020 8781 1816 www.rayondor.co.uk • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 2pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01. 7.30pm and midnight matinee, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Sun 28

Wed 01 July

• Music: Act tbc Live blues at The Oval.

Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry!

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Theatre: Romeo and Juliet See Tue 02. 1pm and 6.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

• Club: Discord NEW MUSIC EVERY WEDNESDAY Act tbc.

Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar

Mon 29 • Event: Café Scientifique Everyone is welcome to these informal social events where people who are interested in science meet to share their thoughts and questions. This month: Dr Alexandra Lamont - Music and The Mind Monday. 6.30pm-8pm. FREE - No tickets required.

Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon, CR9 1ET Tel: 020 8253 1030 Minicom: 020 8253 1027 www.croydonclocktower.com for more info • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

Tue 30 • Music: Freedom of Expression presents the best in acoustic music, comedy, poetry and magic with Amelia Tucker and The L.C.D. + open mic.

From 8pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Sport: Brighton Races Check the website for more details and prices etc.

Brighton Racecourse www.brighton-racecourse.co.uk 01273 603580 • Theatre: As You Like It See Mon 01.

2pm and 7.30pm, tickets from £5 (standing) to £33.

The Globe Theatre, Bankside. www.shakespeares-globe.org

58

Thu 02 • Music: Act tbc Live blues at The Oval.

Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry!

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: The New Delta Big Band From Ellington to Herman, big band jazz at its best! 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month.

The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Event: Ladies Night £5 entry - includes free glass of wine.

The Folly, 13-15 Selsdon Road, Croydon, 020 8688 3920

Fri 03 • Event: Abba Theme Night Dinner and Dance. £24.95 includes buffet meal.

Rayon D’Or, Airport House, Purley way, Croydon, CR0 0XZ 020 8781 1816 www.rayondor.co.uk • Sport: Goodwood Festival Of Speed 3 days of watching fast cars roar about.

Tickets - Friday £26 - 33 Saturday £37 - 48 Sunday £37 - 48.

Whole weekend £78 - 103. Advance tickets only, no entry on door. Car parking, diabled access and caqmping facilities.

Gates 7am, vehicles in action from 9am6pm (timings subject to change). For more info and to book tickets visit the website or call the booking line on 01243 755055.

Goodwood Motor Circuit, Chichester, West Sussex www.goodwood.co.uk • Music: Jam Session Alternate Thursdays 2nd, 16th and 30th July Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF, 020 8655 1308

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on...

Sat 04 • Music: DJ Rob Delta 1st Saturday of the month.

Funk, blues, soul and psychedelia.

FREE entry. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Dead Rock Stars with Stevie Ears and Pantera Gary.

8pm - FREE. The Ship, High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon

• Music: Mojocain For one night only, the ONE and only ALAN HIGGINS. From 8pm.

The Oval Tavern, Oval Road, East Croydon • Event: Abba Theme Night Dinner and Dance. £24.95 includes buffet meal.

Rayon D’Or, Airport House, Purley way, Croydon, CR0 0XZ 020 8781 1816 www.rayondor.co.uk

• Karaoke: The View The View, 188 Selsdon Road, Croydon CR2 6PL, 020 8688 2315 • Sport: Goodwood Festival Of Speed 3 days of watching fast cars roar about.

Tickets - Friday £26 - 33 Saturday £37 - 48 Sunday £37 - 48.

Whole weekend £78 - 103. Advance tickets only, no entry on door. Car parking, diabled access and caqmping facilities.

Gates 7am, vehicles in action from 9am6pm (timings subject to change). For more info and to book tickets visit the website or call the booking line on 01243 755055.

Goodwood Motor Circuit, Chichester, West Sussex www.goodwood.co.uk

Sun 05 • Sport: The Big Day Out Incorporating the Mascot Derby. Gates open 12.30pm, first race 2.30pm, last race 5pm.6 races. Check the website for more details and prices etc.

Brighton Racecourse www.brighton-racecourse.co.uk 01273 603580 • Sport: Goodwood Festival Of Speed 3 days of watching fast cars roar about.

Tickets - Friday £26 - 33 Saturday £37 - 48 Sunday £37 - 48.

Whole weekend £78 - 103. Advance tickets only, no entry on door. Car parking, diabled access and caqmping facilities.

Gates 7am, vehicles in action from 9am6pm (timings subject to change). For more info and to book tickets visit the website or call the booking line on 01243 755055.

Goodwood Motor Circuit, Chichester, West Sussex www.goodwood.co.uk

Got something going on?

Let us know e-mail: angela@deeplondon.co.uk 59

So we move gently into the 3rd month of the year, June, asking ourselves as we go – what’s it all about? Well, I don’t know and I don’t really care. All I want is to somehow find a way to get away from the blight of my life that is this star sign writing business. Themes? People called June, stuff that might have happened in June and the number six, denoting the period of time this mag has survived off the back of my genius.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20 The year is 1968. The date is the first of June. Helen Keller dies. A very sad moment but she died in her sleep so at least she never saw it coming.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20 When I wrote the introduction for this latest slab of stars, you can clearly see (unlike the subject of Aries) that I thought it might be wise / funny / clever (delete as appropriate) to talk about my favourite people called June. Erm, truth is, I can only think of Whitfield and Sarpong and neither of them offer much scope for development. I quite liked Whitfield in “Terry and June” but lost respect when she did that “Saturday Night” rubbish. Top marks for the makeover though, would never have guessed it was the same person. Da ba da dan dee dee dee da nee na na na…

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22 It is said, and indeed heard, as a direct result of it being said I presume, that someone called Anne Frank started writing a diary in June, the 14th to be precise, of the year 1940 and 2. I wrote a diary when I was 7. Here’s an excerpt…

June 14th 1982….Was reading the paper today and it mentioned about a diary being written by someone called Frank. Bet it’s not as good as my diary. My diary is sooooo radical. I looooooooooove writing in my diary, it’s soooo like my best friend. I write all stuff in my diary about what I do on that day like. Like today right, I did my teeth and then went out to play. It was well wicked. Yeah, I bet that Anne girl never went out to play did she?

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22 I’m not sure if I remember it or not, but there was a character in the hit US comedy series “Blossom” called “Six”.

She was the best friend of Blossom and was played by a girl called Jennifer Jean Von Oy. A character called six, with a mate called Blossom played by someone called Oy. The 80’s eh, unlike any other decade in the 1900’s if you ask me, totally unique.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22 If 3 is the magic number does that make 6 twice as good De La Soul? Well? Does it?

I demand an answer De La.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21 If you believe all that religious stuff, the sixth day was the one when the God fella created Man. I knew a man once, but not in the biblical sense. Was God a man? If he was then the Man he created on the 6th day must have been Man version 1.1, if there were only slight amendments from how he created himself? If there were then he would have to be called Man 2.0.

I know because I did a file naming convention course at work. Unless of course he didn’t create himself? But then if he didn’t, who did? I did a little research into this topic and then suddenly it hit me.

Damn it.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 Let’s play charades. Ok, two words, person. First word is two syllables, first syllable rhymes with:

second syllable:

Libra Sep 23-Oct 22 Breaking news Libra fans as someone very near to me has just sprung the name “June Ackland” on me as someone who qualifies in the “famous people called June who I could tenuously include in the June star signs” category. Unfortunately Surname, June Ackland is the name of a character in two syllables, the popular (amongst those who watch it) first syllable: ITV series “The Bill”. This therefore rules her out of possible contention for star sign involvement so please disregard all you’ve read previously, thanks. second Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21 syllable, Reverting back to the birthday theme, the sounds like: number of basic holes or keys on most woodwind instruments (e.g., pennywhistle, clarinet, saxophone, bassoon) is also 6. These holes or keys are usually not given numbers or letters in the Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19 fingering charts (this is the less common Did you understand any of that use of the phrase “fingering charts” Capricorn thing up there? No, me which I know and love to be something neither. from my early teenage years).

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20 Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21 I went to see a show the other day.

They really do need no introduction: Basically it was this really large pinkish Frank: Do you like June? curtain at the Palladium. Unfortunately it Hank: It’s one of my favourite months. seemed as if I turned up a bit late because Frank: Why? it was already on by the time I got there. It Hank: It’s named after my wife. was a little difficult to take in because it was Frank: I didn’t realise you had a wife, but at least 25 feet wide and the same high, the month isn’t named after her. but I tried my best to get a good look at it Hank: That’s what she told me. all before it went up. As soon as it started Frank: A small lie mate. June was created going up the crowd went nuts so I’m by the Romans, pre 46BC. guessing the bit I missed at the start was Hank: Blimey, I never knew the missus the best bit because to be honest I thought was that old? the section I saw was all a bit samey.

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