for parents on divorce, separation and loss.
Partnered with:
A child centric guide for proactive solutions to make your child a priority and communication your strategy.
Published by Oxford University Press www.oup.com.pk Š Aliya Fatima
The moral right of the author has been asserted. All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. Printed in Pakistan 1st Edition 2020, ISBN 0-9000000-0-0 Designed & Edited by: Aliya Fatima, Oxford Publisher No. 38, Sector 15, Korangi Industrial Area, Karachi-74900, Pakistan Email: oup.pk@oup.com Also available as an ebook for major ebook vendors
The guide is designed for parent’s who are navigating life and parenting after divorce. It is aimed to give tools to parents that they can use to be more self-aware to navigate the post-divorce world.
Contents
INTRODUCTION
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SECTION 1: DIVORCE AND CHILDREN
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What you child may be feeling? ......................................................................................... 09 How you as a parent can help the situation? .............................................................. 13 What you should not bring up in front of your kids?.............................................. 15
SECTION 2: AGE-APPROPRIATE STRATEGIES
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Infants and Toddlers: Birth to age 2 .................................................................................. 22 Preschoolers: Ages 3 to 5 ......................................................................................................... 24 School-age children: Ages 6 to 8 ........................................................................................26 Pre-teens: Ages 9 to 12 .................................................................................................................28 Teenagers: Ages 13 to 19 .............................................................................................................30
SECTION 3: PARENTING AFTER DIVORCE
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What parenting plan would work for you?.....................................................................35. How to manage emotions?........................................................................................................37 Games parents play........................................................................................................................39 How to set boundaries and make it work?.....................................................................41
SECTION 4: Legal Framework
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How to reach an agreement on child custody.............................................................47 What factors does the court consider? ...........................................................................49 Legal terms ............................................................................................................................................52
REFERENCES
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Introduction Divorce is a difficult time for you and your children. Your children are depending on you to guide them to adulthood. How the parents deal with the divorce can leave deep and lasting wounds on your kids. Thus it is important to understand that after separation or divorce, parenting can be more challenging. But your children’s basic needs don’t change. They still need security, stability and nurturing. “With some planning, self-awareness, and effort, you can make your children feel safe and loved throughout this process.” The priority is make this life transition manageable for your kids and help minimize the tension and conflict. The guide contains helpful information for parents after separation or divorce. And offers proactive solutions to make your child a priority as you successfully transition into thia new household dynamic.
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How may this guide help you? If you are a parent—and you are navigating the difficult waters of divorce, rising questions from your kids can feel like a knife in the gut. This child-centered guide talks about ■ • what your children may be feeling • how you can help your children cope with the family break up • what to should say and do in an age appropriate way • how to decide on the best parenting arrangement for your children • detach your feelings about the divorce from your parental responsibilities • tools you can use to be more self-aware to navigate the post-divorce world It may be helpful to read this guide from beginning to end, it contains useful information. Or you can just read the sections that you need. Each section can be read on its own. It is important to understand that each family is different thus some of the information in this guide may not apply to you but may be a learning tool for someone else. It is also important to remember that everybody makes mistakes. You may read something in this guide and think “Oh, I shouldn’t have done that” or “I should’ve handled that situation differently.” Nobody is perfect. You can always revisit issues with your children. This guide may help you think about different strategies to use in the future.
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Divorce with children This section provides an understanding on taking the time to learn how your little one thinks and feels will enable you to understand their reactions and better relate to them.
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What does divorce mean to a child? Divorce is defined as “legal dissolution of marriage” but the definition barely describes the change, emotion or stress often linked with the divorce experience. For children, divorce is not just certain family members moving to different places, but a period of time that is filled with strong emotions and major family changes. When seeking to understand a child’s experience of divorce, adults must think somewhat differently and be aware of the topic from a child’s point of view rather than an adult’s perspective. Adults must understand that the issues occupying them may be quite different than the concerns of their children, and children of all ages need to hear that they still are loved despite the changes in family life. Adults typically deal with logistical or external decisions and issues, while children often face uncertainty, internal feelings and changes that result from the divorce process.
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What your child is feeling? Your children may be grieving the loss of the family they wanted or the one they once had. Even though you may not realize it, divorce or separation will cause your children to go through the same stages of grief the same as if there was a death in the family. Because young children usually don’t have the language skills or experience to explain what they’re feeling, they often show their grief through their behavior. Using steps as an analogy, there are five steps to the grief cycle. Sometimes the steps are steep, sometimes steps are repeated, and sometimes you may stay longer on one step than others. There are some of the things your children may be feeling as they work through their grief.
Denial Your children may deny that the separation/divorce is really happening. Their internal and verbal dialogue may sound like ‘I don’t believe this’, ‘Mom and Dad will get back together again’. They may continue to harbor the fantasy that the other parent will come through the door and the family will be “whole” again. Discussions with your children during this stage may be met with silence and a “closed mind”. It iss important to not push your children into acceptance at this stage, but rather just be there for them and continue to try to communicate.
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Anger
Dialogue & Bargaining
Your children may become angry with you, the other parent, siblings, themselves, and may, in fact be angry at the whole world.
As the children move into the dialogue and bargaining phase, they will try to get the family back together.
Their internal or verbal dialogue may sound like How can you ruin my life like this? , You’re only thinking about yourselves! , How come my parents are getting divorced? ,Why does this have to happen to me?
Their internal or verbal dialogue of your child may sound like ‘If I behave better, maybe Mom and Dad will get back together’, “If you come back home, Daddy, I swear I will be good.” “I will keep my room clean, Mommy, if you just come back home.” They will fantasize about reconciliation and will promise to be good if their parents will just reconsider. They may even devise ways to get the parents together such as being sick or getting into trouble at school.
It is very important to reassure your child during this stage that, while it is okay to be angry, it is important to direct this anger in an appropriate way. Hitting a pillow is acceptable, while hitting a sibling is not. During this stage, children often try to assign blame for the end of the family that they know and may try to place the blame on the “missing” parent. While this may give you a twinge of satisfaction, it is extremely important that you not allow your children to do this. Constant reminders that both parents love them are necessary to overcome this part of the grief process. Let them know that you understand they are anger and continue letting them know you love them.
This is their way of working through the guilt of feeling that they were the reason for the divorce or separation. Remind them they did not break up the family and it is not likely that they can get the family back together. This too is part of accepting the permanence of the divorce or separation. It is important to remember that children go through the grief cycle at different speeds.
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Depression As the children sense that their life is falling apart they may withdraw and feel sad and detached from their family and friends. Internal or verbal dialogue of your child may sound like ‘I feel so sad and alone’, ‘I don’t want to talk to anyone about this’, ‘I just want to be by myself‘’. In some cases, children may act out feelings of sadness as aggression. Of all the emotions during the grief process, this is the one that is the most healing. It is important for your children to be able to grieve while letting go of their “old” lives and accepting that things will never be the same. While there are no “timelines” as to how long this stage lasts, it is important to be aware that this stage can also lead into depression. As a parent you need to differentiate between sadness and depression. If as a parent you are concerned that your child is depressed, you may need to get help from a professional.
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Acceptance: Reaching the acceptance stage means that the child has adjusted to the reality and permanence of the divorce and separation. Child’s internal or verbal dialogue of your child may sound like ‘I’m not happy about it, but I understand that Mom and Dad aren’t getting back together’, ‘Mom and Dad don’t live together anymore, but they both still love me’. It may also mean, especially for the older children, they are ready to take a chance on love. The entire grief process is one of dealing with loss and requires that children overcome the sense of rejection, humiliation, unlovability, and powerlessness that they feel. It takes time for your children to adjust to separation and divorce, just like it takes time for you to adjust. Before your children can accept it, you must accept it. They will take their lead from you. As your children are working through the divorce process encourage the children to maintain their normal schedule and activities. Never put the children’s lives on hold.
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How can I as a parent help the situation? As a parent, the biggest gift you can give your children is to acknowledge their hurt. And the only way to acknowledge it is through communication. Not talking about the issue and brushing it under the rug can only hurt your relationship with your child. Your approach to the initial conversation will play a significant role in how they manage their feelings moving forward. Regardless of your children’s ages, they need to be able to understand the underlying message. Here are some general guidelines on how to approach the topic of divorce, listen, and be more self -aware before starting the conversation: Do it at the right time. Children need to hear a clear, strong message regarding your decision to divorce. An indecisive message could confuse your kids and make everything much more difficult. Don’t say anything to your children about divorce until you know with certainty that it is going to happen. Give simple, factual explanations. Whether your child is two years old or eighteen, keep your communication simple, factual, and straightforward. Your child does not need to know all the complex, intricate details about all of the stressful events that led up to this point. Less is more. Tell your children together Even if you are disagreeing about everything, try to agree on what to tell your children. Ideally, parents should break the news as a team. Telling your children together avoids confusion—they will hear only one version of the story, which demonstrates that it was a mutual decision.
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Explain that this change is best for the whole family. It’s likely that—in the months leading up to this point—your child has witnessed you and your partner fighting, treating each other poorly, or living in a state of tension. This is a good moment to explain to your child that this divorce is the beginning of a new chapter—less fighting, more peace—and that this change is what’s best for the whole family. Share logistical information. Do tell kids about changes in their living arrangements, school, or activities, but don’t overwhelm them with the details. But talk about what will change. Let your actions speak louder than words. While it’s important to talk to your child about your divorce, what you do is just as important as what you say. If you say, “We both love you and we’re here for you,” let your actions reflect that message. Also, as much as possible, keep your child’s usual routines in place—rules, chores, dinnertime, bedtime, and so on—with both parents, in both households. This kind of consistency will help your child to feel more secure. Many children of divorced parents never forget this conversation, ever. You cannot control their reaction to this news, But it’s up to you, as the parent, to set the tone. And how you plan to handle future questions or discussions on this matter can dramatically affect your child’s wellbeing. Listen to them talk Your children need you to talk with them about how the separation or divorce will affect them. Listen to them talk about their feelings and worries and let them know they can be honest with you about their feelings
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What you should not bring up infront of your kids? No matter how the conversation goes and the divorce proceedings unfold, always remind yourself you are not a bad parent for getting a divorce. But try not to resort to these tactics: Discussing adult issues Matters like money problems, an affair, or conflict that child has no control over should be kept away from them. Blaming the other parent It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game. Making any assumptions. Don’t assume that you know how your children will react to this news. An older child may respond with relief, knowing that tension in their household may be alleviated, while a younger child may react with anger and fear. Whatever their initial reaction is, let it happen. Not being age-aware. In general, younger children need less detail and will do better with a simple explanation, while older kids may need more information. Trying to sugar coat the situation. No matter how much or how little you decide to tell your kids, keep it real. The information should be truthful above all else, don’t give any false hopes or promises. Venting negative feelings to your child. Whatever you do, do not use your child to talk it out like you would with a friend.
It’s important to remember! The first safety instruction for an airplane emergency is to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child. Take good care of yourself so that you can take excellent care of your kids, too. This means getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and taking steps to manage your stress levels so that you can be a role model and a supportive presence for your child. Lean on your friend and family At the very least, divorce is complicated, stressful and can be devastating without support. Lean on friends and family. Talk face-to-face with friends or a support group about any difficult emotions you’re feeling—such as bitterness, anger, and frustration. So you don’t take it out on your kids. Think ahead in order to stay calm If you can keep long-term goals in mind, your children’s physical and mental health, your independence. You may be able to avoid disagreements about daily details. Seek profession help If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief, shame, or guilt, find a professional to help you work through those feelings and navigate these tough times.
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Age-Appropriate Strategies This section talks about child’s reactions to separation and divorce depending on their age. Understanding age aware ways to talk to your children about divorce and helping them cope up.
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How to talk to children in an age aware way? Every child is unique and will react to separation or divorce differently. How your child reacts can depend on your child’s personality, your family history and the child’s circle of friends. For younger children it is important to remember that just because your child doesn’t understand the words, doesn’t mean that conflict won’t affect them. Adults may see divorce as too complex for their children, but understanding where kids are at, developmentally, can help you help them adjust to the reality of divorce. Relationship breakdown is always hard on children (as well as parents). But this should not stop you from telling them what is happening and why, in a way they can easily understand. However, limit the amount of detail that you tell your children. This will vary with the circumstances and with each child’s age and understanding. Be careful you don’t tell them things in order to convince them of your point of view. The point of discussing things is to reassure them and keep them informed about what is happening so that they don’t worry unnecessarily. Preschoolers will not understand terms like separation or divorce, and will need to be told in more basic terms. You might tell a preschooler that mommy and daddy will not be living together anymore and will have separate homes. Older children will understand the more abstract concepts of separation or divorce. For kids, it can come as a great shock to learn that their parents have decided to divorce, regardless of how old they are. It’s normal for children to have reactions to separation or divorce. This reaction will likely differ depending on their age. Thus it is important choose your words thoughtfully, give plenty of love and reassurance throughout the divorce process, and ultimately, let your actions speak even louder than your words.
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Infants and Toddlers: Birth to age 2 At this age your child depends on you for their physical and emotional needs. Child’s attachment to their caregivers is important for their healthy emotional and psychological development. Infants and toddlers have a limited understanding of their world. They will not understand or comprehend that you’re separating or divorcing. But they will feel it when you’re upset or in conflict, and they will react to this. Their early experiences can influence them later in life.
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Say something like: Here are some “conversation scripts” that can be helpful when talking about divorce. Try saying something like… “Mommy and daddy love you very much. But starting now, Daddy will live in a different house, and mommy will stay in this house. You will stay with mommy, and you will see daddy too.” “Mommy will take care of you, give you your favorite foods, read you bedtime stories and tuck you in, and give you lots of hugs. Daddy will take care of you, give you your favorite foods, read you bedtime stories and tuck you in, and give you lots of hugs.” Child may exhibit: • • • •
■Have trouble going to sleep or sleeping alone at night, might have a fear of being abandoned. Resist toilet training, difficulty with eating, want more attention than usual (crying, irritability, tantrums) Delays in development or temporary setbacks from milestones already reached (for example, in development of language skills) Clinginess or difficulty in separating from you, or withdrawal from social interaction
How to ease the transition: • • • • •
■ If possible, parents should work together to develop normal, predictable routines that their child can easily follow. Introduce any changes to routines as gradually as possible. Reassure your child that you love them and that you will always take care of them. It’s also important to spend quality time with your child and offer extra attention, and ask trusted friends and relatives to do the same. Ask caregivers to let you know if they notice changes in your child.
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Preschoolers: Ages 3 to 5 At this age, your child is growing very quickly both physically and emotionally. But they may not yet understand the whole notion of separation or divorce. Children at this age see themselves as the “center� of the universe. They believe that they have control over, or are the cause of, what happens around them. Thus in fact, divorce is a particularly hard concept for them to comprehend.
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Say something like: Here are some “conversation scripts” that can be helpful when talking about divorce. Try saying something like… “Mommy and daddy aren’t going to be living together anymore. Daddy is moving out today and will live in Uncle Bill’s house. You will live here with me for one week, and with daddy the next week. We love you so much. Daddy will take care of you when you are with him, I will take care of you when you’re with me.” What your child may be going through: • • • • •
■ Fear of being abandoned by one or both parents, overwhelmed with nightmares Delays in development or temporary setbacks from milestones already reached Clingy, emotionally needy behaviour or withdrawal Keep their anger trapped inside and unpleasant thought or ideas to themselves (increased anger, crying, tantrums, whining) Physical complaints (headaches, stomach aches).
How to ease the transition: • • • • • • •
■ Give them clear and simple explanations of what is happening. Preschoolers will need someone to talk to and a way to express their feelings. Help your child identify their feelings and reassure them that their feelings are O.K. They may respond well to age-appropriate books on the topic of Divorce Maintain consistency in their routines and caregivers (as much as possible). Reassure them that you are not leaving them verbal affection Ask teachers and caregivers to let you know if they notice changes in your child.
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School-age children: Ages 6 to 8 At this age, your child is beginning to expand their social network outside the family. The school kid will not understand the concept of divorce and may feel as if their parents are divorcing them. Your child may feel guilty because they think they caused the separation or divorce and internalize the conflict as developmentally it is difficult for them to see more than one perspective at a time.
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Say something like: Here are some “conversation scripts” that can be helpful when talking about divorce. Try saying something like… “You’ve seen mommy and daddy fight a lot and not be friendly to each other. So we are not going to live together anymore, but we are still your parents and we love you so much. “ “Mommy will live in a different apartment and you’ll stay here with daddy during the week, so you are near your school. You’ll spend the weekends with mommy. You’ll have your own special room when you stay here with daddy and when you stay with mommy.”
What your child may be going through: • • • • • • •
■Believe they can “rescue” their parents’ marriage. Become anxious, withdrawn, in denial or depressed Tantrums or acting out as a way to lash out against the world Difficulty playing and having fun Regression (for example, a return to earlier sleeping or eating behaviour) Physical complaints (headaches, stomach aches) may make up symptoms in order to stay home from school. Fear of losing an absent parent , feeling loyalty conflicts
How to ease the transition: • • • • • • •
Tell your child that you still love them and will always take care of them. Reassure them that they have not done anything wrong and that there is nothing they can do to get their parents back together. Ask teachers and caregivers to let you know if they notice changes in your child. Give them information appropriate to their age about what will change (for example, where they will live, arrangements for time with each parent, any changes to their routine). Let them know that their perspective is important, but that the parents will make the decisions. Give them opportunities to talk about how they are feeling. Give them opportunities to hear about other children who have gone through separation and divorce.
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Pre-teens: Ages 9 to 12 Your pre-teen is becoming more independent. They are focusing more on their friends and the world outside their family. But they still need their family for emotional support and guidance. Pre-teens are able to see the separation or divorce as an adult issue, but they may still be angry with their parents. They often see the world in absolutes—black or white, good or bad, right or wrong.
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Say something like: Here are some “conversation scripts” that can be helpful when talking about divorce. Try saying something like: Start by having each parent spend quality time with the child, urging them to open up about their feelings. Reassure them that neither parent will abandon them, and reiterate that the divorce is not their fault. “Divorce means we won’t be married to each other anymore, but we still love you and we will be your parents forever. That hasn’t changed. That will never change. Even though mom and dad won’t be part of the same family, you and dad/mom will always be family, and you and me will always be family.” What your child may be going through: • ■ They may feel torn between their parents, try very hard to maintain good relationships with both parents • Be angry and hostile to one or both parents. • Social withdrawal, difficulty with peers, becoming involved with a new peer group • Strong anger or aggression • Physical complaints (headaches, stomach aches) • Shame or embarrassment about the separation or divorce • Blaming a parent they believe caused the divorce • Trying to “take care of” the parent who they believe is more vulnerable taking on too many responsibilities.
How to ease the transition: • • • • •
■Since school, friendships, and extracurricular activities are of increasing importance to kids this age, encourage your child to get involved in events and pastimes they thoroughly enjoy. Help them rekindle her self-esteem, and encourage them to reach out to others and not withdraw from the world. Listen to your pre-teen’s feelings and concerns—try to stay open-minded and don’t judge. Don’t lean on your pre-teen for emotional support. Don’t give your child responsibilities that are inappropriate to their age and stage of development (for example, too many childcare or household responsibilities).
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Teenagers: Ages 13 to 19 Your teenager is becoming more independent. They identify more with their peers. They’re forming an identity that is separate from their family. The teen years can also be confusing for them as they adapt to physical and social changes. They need lots of emotional support from their family. Teenagers may feel a range of emotions about the separation and divorce.
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Say something like: Here are some “conversation scripts” that can be helpful when talking about divorce. Try saying something like… “You’ve seen your dad and I arguing a lot and we have decided to get a divorce. We just weren’t able to stop arguing and not fight.”
What your child may be going through: • • • • • • • • •
■Wondering if relationships are worth the trouble if they aren’t going to work out anyway, believe relationships will fail If your teenager already has a difficult relationship with you or the other parent, it’s possible that the separation or divorce can make the conflict worse. They may have very concrete worries about how the separation or divorce will affect them. Anger, avoidance, shame, sadness. They may also worry that they won’t have much time for friends or activities. Changes in sleep patterns Significant changes in behavior, acting out (with crime, drugs etc) Feeling pressured or hurried to become more independent Changes in their attendance, behaviour or performance at school
How to ease the transition: •
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Explain whatever the custody/visitation arrangement is. Be as specific and detailed as possible. Let your child know that their input about the plan will be welcome. But the decision will be yours. Provide opportunities for your teen to talk about their emotions, concerns, complaints. Discuss the practical issues (for example, changes to routines, living arrangements) honestly and directly with your teen. Allow your teen to provide input into their schedule—make them part of the discussion; remind them, however, that the parents will make the decisions. Adjust to their schedule—teens have a lot of demands on their time. Don’t lean on your teen for emotional support. Don’t put your teen in the middle of your conflict with the other parent. Support your teen’s appropriate friendships and peer activities but have clear expectations and limits.
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Parenting after Divorce This section talks about creating a parenting plan, navigating the post-divorce parental care, working on what’s best for the child and effective ways to parent rather than engage in toxic games.
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What does parenting after divorce look like? Parenting is one of the most important jobs you’ll ever have. Your children are depending on you to guide them to adulthood. You want to do what’s best for them. Divorce is a difficult time for you and your children, but it’s only part of your story. The urgency is make this life transition manageable for your kids and the key to making this life transition manageable for you kids is to minimize the tension and conflict between you and your ex-spouse. Hostility and aggressiveness between parents can leave deep and lasting wounds on your kids. Parenting can be difficult, even when parents live together. After separation or divorce, parenting can be more challenging. But your children’s basic needs don’t change. They still need security, stability and nurturing. The key is to reduce conflict and withdraw your emotions about the separation from your parental responsibilities. It takes energy and commitment, and it isn’t always easy. While this booklet does not have the magic answers that will completely eliminate conflict, it does provide you with knowledge and ideas that you can try out right away to reduce the conflict and start a new life for you and your children.
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What parenting plan is best suited for my family? When you are deciding on parenting arrangements, it’s important to focus on the best interests of your children. While there is no precise definition of the “best interests of the child”, one way to think about it is to consider what parenting arrangement will best encourage your children’s development, happiness and success. This isn’t an easy question to answer, as it will depend on many factors. Every child and family is different and so it’s important to think about what will work best in your situation. Try to look at this through your child’s eyes. Sole parenting plan: One parent makes the major decisions about matters such as the child’s education, religion and health care. Generally, the child will live primarily with this person. In some cases, particularly where there are ongoing safety issues, it may be best for the children to have limited or supervised contact with one parent. This type of arrangement works best when: • • •
■Where one parent is unavailable or unable to make decisions on short notice. ■When there is parental instability, substance abuse, child abuse, neglect, abandonment or similar situations. ■Can call on family and friends to support you in your parenting.
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Joint parenting plan: When you and the other parent consult each other and make the decisions together. In others, it will be best for children to live roughly equal amounts of time with both parents. This type of arrangement works best when: • • •
Children are a bit older and both parents■ live close to one another ■Both parents respect each other’s ability to parent Both parents are able to cooperate with one another and can be flexible with the parenting schedule
Parallel Parenting Plans Parallel parenting plans are the key to managing conflict with the other parent. This section will help you to protect your child from conflict by learning how to develop or modify a parallel parenting plan. Divided (parallel) decision-making—you’re responsible for some decisions (for example, health and religion) and the other parent is responsible for other decisions (for example, education). This type of arrangement works best works best for the family: • •
Where conflict is low and the parents can effectively communicate about their child. ■Both parents are willing to talk with a child custody lawyer or a mediator and live by the plan as once you have a parenting plan, it is critical that you abide by it otherwise the conflict continues.
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How do I manage my own emotions while parenting? How parents manage their own strong emotions and go about ending their marriage and creating a new way of life makes a major difference for their children. It is imperative that parents learn how to control conflict that is verbally or physically hostile, frequent, intense or focused on the children – the kinds of conflict that are most damaging to children. Responsible parenting includes respectful behaviour toward the child’s other parent. Continuing bitterness and anger between separated parents is likely to damage children much more than the separation itself. To prevent this happening, it may again be helpful to talk about your feelings with someone you trust (preferably outside the family) or with a professional from one of the services mentioned. Children whose parents are in high conflict are exposed to a number of scary, confusing, or traumatic experiences. Look carefully at this list of examples and note which of these your children has experienced. • • • • • • • • • •
Hearing hurtful words and insults towards one another. Hearing scary, dark threats in their parents’ voices Seeing threatening body language Seeing a parent being humiliated or physically hurt Hearing a parent screaming or crying Hearing a parent blaming the other parent harshly Feeling forced to choose one parent over the other Feeling a parent’s withdrawal Hearing whispering of older siblings/family members about what is happening Seeing signs of violence i.e. bruising, fearful parent
Detach your feelings about the separation from your parental responsibilities. In order to parent more effectively after divorce, regardless of the amount of time you have your children, you can reduce the exposure of this conflict.
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How to avoid putting your children in the middle of conflict? Sometimes, parents put their children in the middle of their conflict without realizing it. Maybe you’ve heard stories about separating parents who use their children against each other. Children already have to deal with a lot of changes. They don’t need to be put in the middle of their parents’ conflict, even if their parents don’t always mean to do it. You don’t want your children to be put in the middle of your conflict. So here are some examples of the kinds of behaviour you should avoid.
The child as ‘messenger’ Sometimes, parents might not speak to each other directly. Instead, they might send messages with their children. For example: ‘You tell your father that when you’re at his place you need to get your homework done.’ Or ‘You tell your mother that her lawyer better stop calling me!’ This puts the children in the middle of the conflict. It can make the children feel stressed and anxious. Instead, you need to communicate directly with the other parent about parenting issues. Try not to make your children a go-between.
The child as a “bargaining chip” Sometimes one parent might threaten the other parent to get them to behave the way they want. For example, ‘If you don’t pay your child support, I won’t let you see the kids.’, ‘If you don’t tell me how you’re using the money I give you, I’ll stop paying child support.’, ‘If you don’t stop seeing Farah, I won’t let you see the kids as often.’ When parents act this way, they’re probably focusing on their relationship with each other and not on their children.
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The child as the “prize” When parents are in conflict, one of them may try to “win” by getting a child on their “side.” The “prize” is getting their child to believe that they’re in the “right” and that the other parent is “wrong.” One of them might tell the child too much about the causes of the divorce. Or one parent might say negative things about the other parent. Nobody wins if children are hurt. When children get older and understand more about what happened, they may feel they have been used.
The child as a ‘good time’ When visits are used just to give the child a good time, or outings and gifts take the place of normal parenting. i.e. being a ‘Disneyland daddy’ or ‘Mummy Santa’. The best thing you can give your children is your time and yourself. Over-compensating with presents and outings for the loss your children have suffered is usually the result of the parent feeling guilty, It an excuse to avoid your parental responsibilities and will not help your children.
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How to set boundaries? There are a number of techniques that parents can use to protect children from the toxic effects of intense conflict. Among these are reframing their relationship into a respectful, business-like partnership for parenting. In so doing, parents agree to set clear boundaries and ground rules for interaction that include respecting the child’s right to a healthy relationship with both parents, when it is safe to do so, establishing and abiding by an agenda for all meetings to discuss children and other matters pertaining to the divorce, not using the children as messengers or informants, and keeping children’s transitions between parents safe and respectful. One of the most important things you can do for your children is protect them from conflict between you and the other parent. The research is clear that low conflict between parents is critical to children’s well-being after separation or divorce. Conflict creates a climate of tension that can be harmful to children. This is true even if there’s no physical or emotional abuse. If the conflict continues for a long time, it can cause stress, fear, and emotional and behavioral problems in children. For example, studies show that conflict between parents can affect • ■ how children do in school • ■ children’s physical and emotional health • ■ children’s social interactions—with you, other family members, their friends, and even later in life with their own spouse
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Making it work! Give yourself, your children and your former partner time to readjust. Try to strike a reasonable balance between time for yourself and time for your children. And although it may be difficult from a practical point of view, it is better not to upset your children’s routine too abruptly. Regardless of your parenting style, you’ll want to work to reduce level of conflict, trying to move from a more conflicted style to a less conflicted one. Finally, regardless of your exposure, you’ll want to do the best job of parenting possible, always taking the high road for the benefit of your child.
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04
Legal Framework This section talks about Pakistani Law for child custody, parental alienation and court proceedings
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How to move forward with the legal proceedings? In Pakistan, family law is a bit different in each province and territory. That’s why this booklet can only cover very general information. Family law issues can be complex. When you are developing a plan on what happens with your kid after the divorce, it’s always a good idea to speak with a family law lawyer to make sure you understand • your legal rights and responsibilities • options for resolving differences between eachother • how the court system works. Until parents separate, both the mother and the father of the born child have an equal right and equal responsibility to raise their child and to make decisions about their child’s care and upbringing. After separation, arrangements to share their parenting rights and responsibilities become imperative
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How to reach to an agreement on child custody? They are mainly two options for reaching an agreement. Personal negotiation It involves discussions between you and the other parent to try and come up with a compromise or agreement about parenting issues. You can use negotiation to settle issues at any time—even if you’ve started a court case. It’s important for each of you to show the draft of the agreement to your own lawyers before you sign it. As you will need an affidavit with terms and signatures of both parents to show in court that both parties approve the agreement. Whereas, another option is to go to court which means that you’re asking a judge to decide for you. The judge will hold a hearing or a trial, and then make a court order. You must then do what the court order says. Going to court This means that you’re asking a judge to decide for you. There are many steps in the court process. Even if you have to go to court, the court will encourage you and the other parent to come to an agreement, if possible. You should not expect the court to give you a court order right away. It can take a long time. When judges decide on parenting arrangements, they base their decisions on the best interests of each child, based on the evidence at the hearing or trial. In court, each parent has to build their case to try to get the outcome they want. This may have a negative long-term affect on your ability
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What happens when it’s taken to the court? Child welfare is the key factor taken into consideration by the court while granting custodial rights to any parent. Thus, aspects such as financial stability of parent, reported misconduct, character, and capacity of parent are given importance. Thus custodial laws in Pakistan can also be classified as physical and legal. Physical Custody: Determines where the child physically lives. Having physical custody of the child means the child gets to live with you and typically the Non-Custodial Parent gets visitation parent time. These can change during the process of litigation. Legal Custody: Determines legal decisions to have the legal authority to make decisions for the children on issues for example education, religious practices, medical decision etc. It is typically awarded to both parents.
How do I get custody of my child? • Consider the best interests of the child. Take the time to think about what child custody agreement will be in their best interest. • Read the child custody laws of your city. In order to get custody of your child, you’ll want to familiarize yourself with the child custody laws in your state. • Present Your Case. As your time to speak in court will be brief be honest and show the judge you genuinely care about the outcome and aren’t fighting for custody. • Provide evidence of financial stability. A parent’s ability to financially provide for a child weighs heavily in child custody hearings. Obtain child custody by bringing documentation of a steady income and reliable source of finances to the custody hearing. • Establish a permanent residence. This will show the court your ability a stable home environment. Bring proof of this, including your lease or a letter of reference from your landlord. • Control Your Emotions and be patient. Emotions will run high during a custody hearing, but reacting angrily or spitefully could harm your chances of winning child custody. Prove a healthy medicat history. The judge will consider each parent’s physical and mental health when deciding who is fit to be awarded custody.
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What factors does the court consider when awarding custody? While dealing with such issues, the court considers the following aspects: •Preference of the minor in question If he/she is old enough to form an intelligent preference. •Age and gender of the child. In Pakistani Laws the custody of a minor is given to the mother, this right is called the right of hizanat. But after the age of seven years, the mother’s right over the son ends however it is not an absolute right; it is made in the interest of the boy. Girls are given to mothers until they attain puberty. •Conduct of the custodial and non-custodial parent. An important aspect of Hizanat is that the conduct of the mother is of great importance, and if that is found ‘objectionable’, she may not be given custody rights. •Child maintenance payments and welfare of the minor The same principles that would disqualify a mother from her custodial rights would reflect on a father too. A key difference between the two would be the fact that the fathers payment of maintenance would come into play. • Visitation schedule adherence. Unfortunately, when a non-custodial parent chooses not to adhere to a court-ordered visitation schedule, it shows the court that the parent has made no attempt to communicate with the child and shows up negatively •The bond of the child and parent Court takes in to account the closeness of the relationship of the child with each parent. •Background and future prospects of both parents. Helps the court to determine a parent’s ability to financially provide for a child.
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How are child visitation rights scheduled? In A Supreme Court Ruling (2019). The non-custodial parent is given half of all school holidays, Alternative weekends and gazetted government holidays, as well as birthdays. If you have been given a simple visitation schedule for your child, you can always challenge the Visitation Schedule given. If it’s awarded from Session Court (Family Court or Guardian Court) you may approach Additional Sessions Court. If you still are not satisfied with their Judgement you can approach High Court. Finally, if the aforementioned doesn’t serve justice, you may even go to the Supreme Court.
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What do these legal terms mean? Child Custody : Refers to the Physical Custody of where the Child stays. As a child (or children) cannot be in two places at once, Custody is awarded to one parent (Who becomes the Custodial Parent). The essence of custody is to grant the power to either parents or both of them to make decisions for the child. Sole custody Means that one parent makes the major decisions about matters such as the child’s education, religion and health care. Generally, the child will live primarily with this person. Joint custody means that both parents have legal custody of the child and make major decisions about the child together. Joint Custody: Where the two parents attempt to share almost equal time with the minor, to prevent alienation of the child from either parent or their extended families. Hizanat: The word “Hizanat” or “Hidanat” (as pronounced by the Asians and the Arabs respectively) is used for custody of minors by mother. Word “Hizanat” in its literal sense means “upbringing”. Wallayat: It is a term used for custody of minors by father Guardianship: refers to the authority awarded to an individual (who becomes the Guardian) to take decisions on behalf of the minor (child) Parental alienation Describes a process through which a child becomes estranged from a parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent. The child’s estrangement may manifest itself as fear, disrespect or hostility toward the distant parent, and may extend to additional relatives or parties. Court order Means a decision by a judge that is written down. Parents must follow what the court order says. Court orders can be changed by going back to the judge and asking for a change, but only if there is a good reason
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References Furstenberg F, Kiernan K (2001) Delayed parental divorce: How much do children benefit? J Marriage Fam Jean A. McBride (2016) Talking to Children about Divorce: A Parent’s Guide to Healthy Communication at Each Stage of Divorce. JoAnne Pedro-Carroll (2010) Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce Paperback Department of Justice Canada (2013) Making Plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/En-Parenting_Guide.pdf Abdul Haye Abro (2014) Custody of Children (A Comparative Study of the Shari’ah, English and Pakistani Law) * http://pjir.bzu.edu.pk/upload/Vol-14_eng%201%20Abdul%20 Haye%20Abro%2003-10-14.pdf_46.pdf Dr. Mudasra Sabreen. Law on the Custody of Children in Pakistan: Past, Present and Future by https://sahsol.lums.edu.pk/law-journal/law-custody-children-pakistan-past-present-and-future Tanzīl-ur-Rahmān: (1987) A Code of Muslim Personal Law, Vol. I, Karachi, Hamdard Academy. Clinton M. Sandvick, JD, PhD (2019) http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/types-of-child-custody-29667. html 24 Justice Child Custody Lawyers in Pakistan https://24justice.pk/legal_services_pakistan/child-custody-lawyers-in-pakistan/ Shahid, Ayesha. (2018) Post-Divorce Maintenance Rights for Muslim Women in Pakistan and Iran: Making the Case for Law Reform.” Muslim World Journal of Human Rights 59-98. Nadya Haidert Islamic Legal Reform: The Case of Pakistan and Family Law, https://digitalcommons.law.yale.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1166&context=yjlf Nadya Haider, (2000) Islamic Legal Reform: The Case of Pakistan and Family Law, 12 YALE J.L. & FEMINISM. https://digitalcommons.law.yale.edu/yjlf/vol12/iss2/5 Lisa Poppe (2015) Children Go Through the Grief Cycle During Divorce or Separation https://extension.unl.edu/statewide/dodge/Children%20going%20through%20 grief%20May15.pdf
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American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2020) Children and Divorce, https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFFGuide/Children-and-Divorce Sylvia Smith Age Appropriate Ways of Talking to Your Kids About Divorce https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/age-appropriate-ways-of-talking-tokids-about-divorce/ John E. Desrochers, PhD, ABPP (2015) Divorce: A Parents’ Guide for Supporting Children https://www.nasponline.org/resources-and-publications/resources-and-podcasts Harry Benson (2014) When, and Why, Divorce Hurts Kids https://ifstudies.org/blog/when-and-why-divorce-hurts-kids Christensen, S.L, & Sheridan, S.M. (2001). Schools and Families: Creating Essential Connections for Learning. New York: The Guilford Press. https://www.justiceeducation.ca/legal-help/family/families-change/ kid%E2%80%99s-guide-separation-and-divorce Coleman, M., Ganong, L.H., & Henry, J. (1984) What teachers should know about stepfamilies. Childhood Education, 60, 306-309. Long, N. and Forehand, R. (2002). Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust. Chicago: Contemporary Books Hetherington, E.M. & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. NY: W.W. Norton. Neuman, M. G. (1998). Helping your kids cope with divorce the Sandcastles way. NY: Times Books.
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The resource guide provides information for parents who are going through a family break up. It includes age aware strategies, parenting advice and legal information to help families better cope with separation or divorce.
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