DIVORCING WELL MAGAZINE by Antoni Pham

THRIVING EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, FINANCIALLY

Family Law Attorney

LAURA WASSER SAYS YOU CAN HAVE A HAPPIER DIVORCE

MARS & VENUS STARTING OVER Author John Gray

on GRIEVING WELL

Author Barbara Huson Transforming Your Money Mindset

S P R I N G 2022 $5.99

74820 40428

Divorce Doctor Elizabeth Cohen on Self Care

Cynthia Weston, LMFT Working Through Betrayal

Divorce Financial Planning

Going through a divorce makes you feel anxious, afraid, and often overwhelmed. You may be wondering: Where do I start? What do I need to know? How can I protect myself and my children financially? Who can help me?

Kathy Costas CDFA® at EP Wealth Advisors Can Help Kathy is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® and amazon best selling author. She and her team at EP Wealth Advisors can help you answer all of those questions and more. Whether you are planning to use mediation, collaborative law or litigation, Kathy has the experience and expertise to help you make informed decisions along the way.

How I Can Help Gathering information I help you sort through all of the pieces of your financial life, even if you weren’t the spouse who handled the finances. You will learn along the way as we evaluate what you have and ultimately what you want in a settlement.

Settlement negotiations – you have a financial planning expert on your side As the process unfolds, I work with you and the other professionals on your team, to create a sound financial settlement for you in terms of the assets you get and the cash flow you will have to live on now and in the future.

Creating a solid plan of action for your future The divorce planning process continues after a divorce becomes final. I help you move forward with next steps including getting all assets transferred to you, creating a budget and designing an investment plan to create security and make the next chapter your best.

You deserve a financial advocate in the divorce process. My team and I are here for you! As a divorced mother myself, I understand the emotions that can surround the financial decisions in a divorce. I act as your advocate, with a voice of reason and compassion, to help you make the best choices for your future.

How do we Work Together? Contact me for a complimentary consultation. If we both choose to work together, my divorce planning services are available at an hourly rate.

Kathryn Costas, CDFA® Vice President 5743 Corsa Avenue Suite 224 Westlake Village, California 91362 direct: (805) 372-1093 e: kcostas@epwealth.com w: epwealth.com

**What is a CDFA? A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, or CDFA®, is a professional who is specially trained in divorce-related aspects of financial planning including; determination of community and separate property, asset division, tax implications of settlements, and cash flow analysis over various time periods. Qualifications for the CDFA® designation include three years of financial planning or legal experience, a bachelor’s degree and successful completion of course work and a comprehensive examination administered by the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts (IDFA™). This specialized background enables CDFA®, professionals to identify divorce-related financial issues that may not be apparent even to financial planners who hold other types of credentials. It also allows them to testify in court as an expert witness. It is important to note that CDFA® professionals, unless they are also licensed to practice law, cannot provide legal advice.

contents

SPRING 2022

FEATURES

LAURA WASSER’S EVOLUTION OF DISSOLUTION BY MONIQUE REIDY

The savvy Beverly Hills-based divorce lawyer who has represented some of the entertainment industry’s best-known celebrities, is on a mission to change the face of divorce.

GREG ELLIS: THE RESPONDENT

BY ROBYN FLANS

A true story exposing the cartel of family law.

44 5 COMMON FRIEND TYPES AND WHY WE WANT THESE GALS IN OUR CIRCLE BY PATRICIA LEAVY, PhD

THRIVING EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, FINANCIALLY

Family Law Attorney

LAURA WASSER SAYS YOU CAN HAVE A HAPPIER DIVORCE

MARS & VENUS STARTING OVER Author John Gray

on GRIEVING WELL

$5.99

74820 40428

Divorce Doctor Elizabeth Cohen on Self Care

Author Barbara Huson Transforming Your Money Mindset

S P R I N G 2022

Cynthia Weston, LMFT Working Through Betrayal

on the cover Laura Wasser

MAKEUP BY CHRISTA FOLEY PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEVIN FOLEY

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

The place

The time

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contents 22

FEATURES

50 Barbara Huson

10.

Editor’s Letter

12.

The Divorce Doctor Top Tools for Self-Care

34.

Financial Strategies for Surviving Divorce Private Wealth Counselor tells how to navigate financially through divorce.

The goal is to take care of yourself so that you can show up as the best version of you to others. BY DR. ELIZABETH COHEN

16.

BY KELLY TREVETHAN

50.

Survival Story “Bloom Where You are Planted” The harrowing account of Daniella Bloom, M.A., LMFT’s divorce. BY JANINE GOLDBERG

22.

Flourishing Physically 5 Simple, Natural Ways to Boost Immunity

54.

Legally Literate Find a Good Lawyer in 7 Steps Take every necessary step to find the right lawyer for your needs. BY MICHAEL LEWIS

Emotional Mastery Working through the Anguish of Betrayal and Infidelity

THE BENEFITS OF TRAVELING ALONE, MIDDIVORCE

BY CYNTHIA WESTON, LMFT

BY MONIQUE REIDY

Emotional Mastery Look Who’s Talking!

While traveling with friends or a romantic companion can be fun, traveling alone has unique advantages, especially when undergoing life-altering events, like a divorce.

BY ESTHER C. BLEUEL, MA, MFT, MDR

56.

Minding Your Mindset Leading Authority on Women, Wealth & Power and Best-Selling Author Barbara Huson’s story of resilience and success will help women everywhere want to develop a healthy relationship with finances. BY JANINE GOLDBERG

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

Your life has suddenly been turned upside down and your stomach has been turned inside out. How to find solid ground.

Self-talk is pretty universal. Though you may not be aware of it, we all have conversations with ourselves quite naturally throughout our waking hours.

Your body’s immune system protects against illness and infection, fighting off threats before you even know there’s a problem.

30.

Focus on Finances

MARS & VENUS STARTING OVER

Author John Gray on Grieving Well BY JENNI KEAST

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EDITORIAL

PUBLISHED BY ELYSIAN MEDIA GROUP, LLC.

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Monique Reidy CREATIVE DIRECTOR

Antoni Pham ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

Robyn Flans COMMUNICATION EDITOR

Esther Bleuel FEATURES EDITOR

Jenni Keast CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

Janine Goldberg, Cynthia Weston, Michael Lewis, Dr. Elizabeth Cohen, Patricia Leavy and Kelly Trevethan

PUBLISHER & PRESIDENT

Monique Reidy DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS / COPY EDITOR

Janine Goldberg DIRECTOR OF SOCIAL MEDIA & DIGITAL PLATFORMS

Caitlin Elizabeth Pieh ADVERTISING EXECUTIVES

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I Do Books 4 You, Westlake Village CIRCULATION CONSULTANT

Doug Bitto LEGAL COUNSEL

Edward Corey, Esq. Divorcing Well Magazine 3625 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd., Suite 229 Westlake Village, CA 91362 Tel: 805-777-0080 www.divorcingwellmag.com

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Divorcing Well Magazine is published by Elysian Media Group, LLC. ©2022 Elysian Media Group, LLC. Divorcing Well Magazine is registered US Patent and Trademark Office. The opinions expressed in Divorcing Well Magazine are not to be considered official expressions of Elysian Media Group, LLC. Elysian Media Group, LLC does not accept any responsibility for the actions of its readers. The contents within Divorcing Well Magazine are for informational purposes only and should not be treated as health care or health management advice. The materials herein are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified health provider regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of content in this magazine. Reliance on any information provided herein is solely at your own risk. All rights reserved. Reproduction in any form without written permission from the publisher is prohibited. Publisher reserves the right to accept or reject all advertising matter. Publisher does not assume responsibility for errors, omissions, and/or changes in advertising or editorial material. Printed in the USA.

ELITE CONNECTIONS INTERNATIONAL TAMMI PICKLE

Vice President

Photography by Ike Solomon @IkeSolomonPhotography

SHERRI MURPHY

President and Founder

The Elite MOTHER DAUGHTER MATCHMAKING TEAM

Sherri Murphy founded Elite Connections International in Los Angeles in 1994, a month after she met her husband Bill through a matchmaker. At the time she was a divorced mother of two and working hard at a real estate career. When she met Bill she was convinced this was the way quality singles should meet. She fully understands what it’s like to be out in the dating world again. Her daughter and VP Tammi joined the team 23 years ago. Her Psychology degree has helped her with understanding clients. Dating after divorce can be traumatic. Today Elite Connections International is one of the most successful dating agencies in the world with over 15 offices. They are proud of their A+ BBB rating after all these years. The mother daughter matchmakers work with many divorced singles. They understand the frustration that can happen when you’ve not dated in 10-20 years. Tammi said, “It’s just a matter of getting out there and meeting a quality person, who has been screened and is excited to meet you.” Sherri says, “Always give a nice person a second date.” As female leaders in business, Murphy followers her own words of wisdom, which also apply to dating. “Have respect for yourself, and expect the same from everyone you come in contact with.” 800-923-4200 www.eliteconnections.com

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EDITOR’S LETTER

Welcome to the Launch Issue of Divorcing Well Magazine! Each of us who have experienced

divorce have a story and it’s probably neither simple nor amusing. We have quite possibly learned more than we ever wanted to know about the California family law code and have likely learned it the hard way.

Monique, with three of her grandkids and four rescue pups.

Because we’re trying to get our emotional bearings early in our divorce journey, we can be at risk of making costly decisions, like perhaps hiring the wrong attorney. This can potentially lead to years of disappointment as well as emotional and financial stress. Sadly, we sometimes realize we’ve made grave mistakes when it’s too late to make changes. Even couples who prior to the wedding day have sensibly constructed a prenup may not have every detail covered; some matters related to divorce cannot be prearranged. We can’t foresee the wild ride we may experience through a painful breakup while we’re preparing for marital bliss. We can’t anticipate the psychological toll we’ll suffer when a custody order strips us of a percentage of time with our kids. And we can’t imagine that the person with whom we will exchange vows may someday become someone who wants to destroy us. Even in the best-case scenario, divorce is not an easy experience, and in the most complicated cases, it can devastate individuals on a variety of levels.

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

When a couple is married, they are not handed instructions about what to do if the marriage goes south. Most couples who tie the knot don’t go through a ceremony with the idea that the marriage may not work. On our wedding day, we have the expectation of a happily ever after. After my second divorce, I realized that I could have been spared much of the heartache and hassle had I been equipped with better information. I spent nearly $300k on legal fees but paid an even costlier price physically and emotionally because of the tremendous distress associated with the long and arduous process. There were many times I asked, “how can this be fair … or even legal?” And after opening yet another $23,000 invoice from my lawyer, wondered “when will this end?!” This is precisely why Divorcing Well magazine has been created. It’s a guide for individuals coming to grips with a relationship that is fractured beyond repair. The content we feature is designed to inform men and women about significant details pertaining to divorce so they can make wise decisions at every turn. Our objective is to help the soon to be divorcée become a better, smarter, healthier, and happier person not just when the divorce is complete, but every step across the process. I hope that this magazine, through the pieces by leading experts and articles featuring personal accounts, will equip readers to make more educated decisions. Thank you for picking up this copy. Our hope is that this publication will help you be well legally, emotionally, physically, financially and in every way imaginable. Warmly,

Monique Reidy

THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

SURVIVAL STORY

FLOURISHING PHYSICALLY

LEGALLY LITERATE

FOCUS ON FINANCES

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

Top Tools for Self-Care by Dr. Elizabeth Cohen The idea of self-care is thrown around a lot. But most of my clients look

at me blankly when I mention the concept. Now, before you turn the page thinking you do not have time to take care of yourself, try this: Think of how you might respond if I told you this article was about how to help or take care of someone else in your life. You’d likely get your pen and paper out and get cracking, right? But when the focus is caring for you, there is likely more hesitancy and disinterest. Keep reading to save you time, money and stress when managing your divorce.

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

Let’s start by defining self-care. One of my favorite statements is “self-care is self-protection.” This means that engaging in behaviors that are kind and loving towards yourself protects you from pain and heartbreak. Before we dive into the tools, I want to mention a common misconception about self-care. Some of you might think that self-care is simply selfish. After all, we have been taught that focusing on and taking time to enjoy ourselves is lavish. We live in a culture where sacrificing is valued and rest is devalued. So, don’t be

surprised if you find yourself struggling to accept that self-care is worth your time. There is a difference between being selfish and self-care. Being selfish means you think only about your needs to the detriment of others' needs around you. Self-care refers to behaviors you engage in so that you can fill up your own gas tank. By nurturing yourself in this way you can be more generous in the future. The goal here is to take care of yourself so that you can show up as the best version of you to others.

Here are my top self-care tools: t

Self-Care Tool 1:

Self-Care Tool 2:

Self-Care Tool 3:

SAYING NO

ASKING FOR HELP

CREATE A SOUL LOVING SPACE

I can still remember the chills I felt down my spine when someone told me that “No” is a full sentence. It suddenly occurred to me that I did not need to over explain, apologize or undo my behavior when I told someone I could not deliver on their request. I noticed I had time and energy back. While you might worry that saying “no” is being mean, keep in mind that there are many ways to say “no” kindly. I often recommend you start with acknowledgement for the request, state your “no” and then end with an expression of gratitude for the consideration.

The second tool for self-care is asking for help. Allow yourself at least 15 minutes for this exercise. Write down all the things you do in a day from the moment you wake up to when your head hits your pillow. Write down all you do for your family, work, pets, household, and your finances. Now, next to each of the tasks you listed answer the following two questions. A) Does this have to be done at all? B) Does this have to be done by me? The first question helps weed out any tasks you are doing out of habit or routine that simply are not essential anymore. I remember washing my kids’ sheets every day for years until I realized that as they get older, they do not dirty their sheets with the same frequency they did when they were younger. This example also applies to the second question. It occurred to me that my children, now 14 and 16, could wash their own sheets. I did not have to be the one completing this task.

The third self-care tool is to create a soul loving space. Consider a space in your home or office that you would like to dedicate to you and your serenity. This is a place where you can land at the end of the day or when you need a moment of respite. Now, close your eyes and picture a space that feeds your soul. What colors do you see? Textures do you feel? Smells do you smell? Sounds do you hear? Do you want candles, music, blankets, inspirational, images or pictures? If you need some added inspiration, feel free to look online and find images that resonate with you. >>

Spring 2022 I DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM

THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

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FLOURISHING PHYSICALLY

LEGALLY LITERATE

Self-Care Tool 4:

Self-Care Tool 5:

THREE THINGS I DID WELL TODAY

GRATITUDE LIST

The fourth self-care tool is one that I teach to all my clients. Before bed every night pull out a piece of paper and write down three things you did well that day. At first clients almost immediately say, “I won’t be able to find anything because I do not do anything great during the day.” However, I then tell them that the secret for using this tool is to pick really small behaviors. For example, you can write down if you said “bless you” after someone sneezed, held the door open for someone, smiled at the barista in the morning or listened to a co-worker’s story. I know these seem like small behaviors, but all the small actions you do make up the special person you are. When we dismiss these gestures, we are missing parts of us that are kind and thoughtful. As you know, when you are going through a divorce your confidence takes a hit, so please try this exercise at night and notice what comes into your awareness.

If you are like many of my clients you are curious about gratitude lists, but not sure how to get started. Like all new behaviors we need to start small. I ask my clients to write down 3 things they are grateful for each day. I have some rules about what they are allowed to write. They cannot write large conceptual ideas they are grateful for like love, family, and health. While I certainly hope you have those things and feel grateful for them, they are not helpful for this practice because they are to general. However, we can say “I am grateful for the spontaneous hug my 14-year-old gave me this morning. A miraculous thing happens when you start looking for small moments of gratitude during your day, you start to notice even more! If you know you have to write down 3 things that you appreciated during the day you are going to be searching out more positive experiences in your day.

There are so many benefits to practicing self-care. By making these tools part of your daily routine, you will be able to show up fully for yourself and others. Imagine if the next time you tackled a divorce related activity you felt filled up and cared for. You can make that happen by following these steps. O

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EMOTIONAL MASTERY

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

DR. COHEN is a clinical psychologist and author of “Light at The Other Side of Divorce: Discovering the New You” which debuted at #1 on Amazon in popular psychology. She is the CEO and founder of the online divorce course and membership Afterglow: The Light at the Other Side of Divorce, and the CEO of the Center for CBT in NYC. Dr. Cohen received her PhD in clinical psychology from Boston University. She was the recipient of the prestigious American Psychological Foundation Research Award for her research on the emotional effects of 9/11. She has been featured on the Tamron Hall Show, the Wall Street Journal, NBC News, Women’s Health, Huff Post, Thrive Global, Daily Beast and Good Housekeeping. Dr. Cohen is a weekly contributor to Psychology Today with her “Divorce Course” column.

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THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

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FLOURISHING PHYSICALLY

Daniella Bloom, M.A., LMFT • Founder of FREE ARTS — The Free Thinker's Advocate

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

LEGALLY LITERATE

FOCUS ON FINANCES

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

SURVIVAL STORY

DANIELLA BLOOM, MA., LMFT “Bloom Where You are Planted” by Janine Goldberg

WHEN TALKING TO DANIELLA BLOOM YOU ARE

AFFIRMED THAT GRASS DOESN’T GROW UNDER HER FEET. BUT YEARS AGO, FROM THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN, PEOPLE THOUGHT SHE HAD IT ALL – THE PERFECT HUSBAND, THE PERFECT LIFE. “TO MANY PEOPLE, I’M SURE, IT LOOKED LIKE WE HAD THE PERFECT LIFE. I WAS MARRIED TO A HANDSOME JEWISH DOCTOR, AND WE HAD A BEAUTIFUL HOME IN THE SUBURBS AND HAD THREE CHILDREN. EVERYTHING SEEMED GREAT ON THE OUTSIDE, BUT IT BECAME A UNHEALTHY MARRIAGE ON THE INSIDE.”

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While it was at one time a very healthy marriage, it took marital therapy and five years for Bloom to get to the point where she filed for divorce (after 16 years of marriage) and not because she stopped loving him but because she became a shell of the woman she knew herself to be. “I had every form of depression and anxiety, except suicide, and I knew that I didn’t want to show up this way any longer for my children. It seemed like I was the only one that wanted to fight for the marriage, but you cannot be the only one sitting at the table.” While going through her divorce, a whole new niche and chapter exploded for Bloom which included her becoming a divorce reform advocate. Like many others, Bloom was very naïve to the divorce process. She created Divorce Diaries, the successful weekly divorce groups for men and women. “I thought that once the judge heard how fair I was with my (now ex) husband with support and visitation, I thought everything would be just fine. I learned very quickly that the family court system is not about the family. The Court system tends to be more focused on parental rights as opposed to putting the best needs of the children first. The people

LEGALLY LITERATE

FOCUS ON FINANCES

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

“Having children while navigating a divorce presents a very real struggle for anyone.”

who are more inclined to mediate and compromise often in court get the short end of the stick. It becomes a battle of winning and losing. I went through some mediation, but it was really just me meeting with the mediator on my own, separately from my ex. It wasn’t effective at all. It was a lot of wasted time and money.” Bloom adds that there is a lot of psychology that needs to be front and center during the divorce process and attorneys are not trained for this. “Fortunately, today there are a lot of times that there is a therapist in the collaboration. They can pump the brakes and say,

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

“whoa hold on. This (conversation) isn’t really about the kids.” It took close to three years to finalize her divorce and a year of that she represented herself because “I just saw firsthand that I didn’t want to lose another $50,000 here and another $50,000 there.” But when her husband’s attorney went MIA, she was forced to once again, hire an attorney to finish the job. “I feel like I’m the lucky one because I spent a fraction of what many people spend today.” Having children while navigating a divorce presents a very real struggle for anyone and Bloom

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LEGALLY LITERATE

FOCUS ON FINANCES

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

that my children have their own journey too. It’s not easy especially as a mom,” she says, “but you want the best for your kids and not everything is in your control.”

was no exception to this. “It was one of the hardest things ever to go through this brutal divorce and put on a brave face for the kids who are also going through a divorce. I don’t think people understand just how traumatic it is.” Her kids were little when she went through the divorce so they couldn’t entirely comprehend what was happening. “You’re going to battle but you’re still having to interact with each other because of the kids. And you must make a choice to be mature and to be the adult and to not scream at

your ex in front of your kids.” Bloom acknowledges that with children, it’s an ongoing journey and admits that there are still many layers to deal with. “No one’s quite prepared for a divorce, so of course it isn’t going to be done perfectly.” While co-parenting still isn’t smooth, she wishes it was different. “I wish we would be able to have family dinners occasionally and share birthday parties – I think it would be great for the kids to see that even though we are not together romantically that we still have love and respect for each other. Unfortunately, my ex doesn’t feel that way at all but I don’t have control over that. I have to continue to work on myself and to understand

What is in her control, however, is the opportunity to date again and she welcomes it with open arms. “Dating for me is extremely healing and awakening,” says Bloom, “I was open to be cherished, to be spontaneous, to be back in my power feminine energy. It can be extremely healing when you feel alive as a woman again and empowered as a man again and it does become the ripple effect for everything else.” This is exactly what she teaches to the men and women she works with who are starting their next chapters. Her positive energy is infectious and she is a self-described work in progress. “You become a better parent, a better professional, a better person in general because you’re happier.” In addition to being a mom, Bloom’s career is thriving and she gains a lot of satisfaction by it. “I really do feel that I’m in alignment with what I’m finally meant to be doing and I see the positive impact I’m having,” she says, “there’s a purpose greater than myself and it nourishes my soul.” Bloom adds, “I never want to be that person who people think has a perfect life, because I don’t. I’m perfectly imperfect. As soon as you climb one peak, there’s another peak in front of you.” And Daniella Bloom isn’t done climbing. O

DANIELLA BLOOM, M.A., LMFT America's Premiere Dating and Relationship Authority Founder of FREE ARTS — The Free Thinker's Advocate

www.DaniellaBloom.com Email: daniella@daniellabloom.com Telephone: (818) 860-6104 TikTok: @DaniellaBloom7648

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BOOSTING IMMUNNITY

5 Simple,

Natural Ways to Boost Immunity Your body’s immune system protects against illness and infec-

tion, fighting off threats before you even know there’s a problem. Even though your immune system usually does its job automatically, you can give it a boost with habits that promote wellness and support immunity.

Eat healthy fruits and vegetables.

Reduce stress with outdoor activity.

Although you may not be aware they contain flavonoids, these phytochemicals found in some fruits and veggies are a vital part of maintaining health. Flavonoids are found in colorful fruits and vegetables like cranberries and elderberries. When it comes to power foods, elderberries’ exceptional flavanol levels make them an immune system powerhouse. Especially important during cold and flu season, elderberries can also be enjoyed in a cup of warm tea for instant comfort.

Keeping physically fit provides numerous health benefits such as reducing stress by being one with nature through taking a walk outside. The sun’s UV rays help your body produce vitamin D, which is important for your bones, blood cells and immune system, as well as helping absorb and use certain nutrients. Yoga and massage can also be used to help stimulate the immune system and promote well-being.

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FOCUS ON FINANCES

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MINDING YOUR MINDSET

Rely on natural remedies.

Keep a regular sleep schedule.

Wash hands frequently.

Modern, stressful lifestyles and exposure to environmental pollutants can put immune systems under pressure. However, some of your existing soothing rituals can actually support better health, too. One example is relaxing with a hot cup of tea. The natural and organic ingredients found in Buddha Teas provide numerous health benefits. Options like Mushroom Wellness, Divine Immunity, Elderberry Tea and Reiki Mushroom blends all contain immunity-boosting ingredients.

Sleep gives you an opportunity to recharge. This is when cellular regeneration and other healing is most efficient. Keeping a regular routine helps signal to your system that it’s time to rest so you can fall asleep easier and reap the whole-body benefits of a healthy sleep cycle.

Especially during the school year, when germs are rampant and easily carried from school to home, you can give your immune system a hand, literally, by frequently scrubbing away germs before they have the chance to attack.

While they’re not an obvious ingredient, mushrooms have been incorporated into healing practices for thousands of years for their immune-boosting, anti-inflammatory and antioxidant-rich properties. There are several powerful medicinal mushrooms but one stand-out is the reishi mushroom, known as the “mushroom of immortality” and “divine plant of longevity.” This anti-inflammatory powerhouse is known to promote healthy cell growth and healthy blood pressure, along with improving immune function.

LEGALLY LITERATE

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

A Golden Way to get Better Sleep has become a trendy beverage of choice, this comforting, herb-filled blend is actually ancient. For thousands of years, golden milk has been an Ayurvedic ritual, with Indian families enjoying a warm nightly cupful before bed. While golden milk

In Ayurvedic medicine, turmeric, the main component in golden milk, is thought to impart the energy of the sun to the body, hence its radiant, golden color. Turmeric’s documented healing properties impart substance to this traditional “elixir,” and have given golden milk a reputation as a healing cup of comfort. In addition to improving physical and mental well-being, regularly

drinking golden milk has the potential to lessen your chance of becoming ill in the first place. It’s also an anti-inflammatory that supports healthy digestion and promotes calm. This turmeric-dominant blend includes ginger root and black pepper to aid digestion; ashwagandha to tonify, energize and calm; and cardamom, nutmeg, and vanilla bean, all meant to encourage rejuvenation and peace. Consider an option like Buddha Teas’ CBD Organic Golden Milk, which includes a THC-free CBD isolate for added wellness benefits. Prepared by mixing with a warm cup of your favorite milk, the smooth, slightly sweet, pungent brew offers a soothing treat just before bed. Many people also enjoy golden milk prepared cold. O

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LEGALLY LITERATE

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EMOTIONAL MASTERY

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THE RESPONDENT

Greg Ellis: The Respondent BY ROBYN FLANS

On March 5, 2015, Greg

Ellis’ life changed forever. The actor, who portrayed Lieutenant Commander Groves in the Pirates of the Caribbean Franchise; Chief Engineer Olsen in J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek; had roles in “24;” “Hawaii Five-0;” and voice-over character portrayals too numerous to list; had met with fellow actor Andy Garcia earlier in the day. From there, he spoke to Sharon Stone about a possible project, met with his agent and recorded a voiceover for a Disney show. Ellis’ wife Dana was out of town, and he was at home playing with his two boys, ages ten and eight, when he answered the front door to find two LAPD policemen in front of him. They proceeded to ask him about the safety of his sons. They informed him that they had received a call from someone stating that he had threatened to harm his children. From that moment until now, his life turned upside down. The officers would not reveal who had made the accusation. There was no assumption of innocence. He was handcuffed and taken away into a quagmire of the family court system, bloated with indifferent judges, ruthless lawyers, and archaic laws, all chronicled in his compelling book,

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The Respondent: Exposing the Cartel of Family Law, which took six years to write. During our interview, Ellis sums it up: “The cartel of family law showed up on my doorstep, stole my freedom, kidnapped my children and murdered my family. I know it sounds like a Hollywood movie trailer for a psychological thriller, but that was my real-life experience.” Q: Your book is heartbreaking. A: It is one of the reasons why I created the non-profit and I have dedicated the rest of my time on this earth to advocating for families, parents and children. My sons, who are the meaning of my life, are gone. I can’t help them, but I certainly can be a father figure to many others, hopefully, and lead by example and put my story out there.

Q: It is hard to fathom that you had to let go of your sons. I understand that it was your final gift of love to them to not put them through the tug of war. A: That was a particularly difficult passage to write – that one page, the letter to my boys. I think I tried it 56 times and 55 of them I just broke down and couldn’t type. Part of this is that it is so

“

The cartel of family law showed up on my doorstep, stole my freedom, kidnapped my children and murdered my family. I know it sounds like a Hollywood movie trailer for a psychological thriller, but that was my real-life experience.”

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THE RESPONDENT

important that people are given hope that they are not alone in this corrupt and dystopian nightmare of a system. I was blessed in many regards. I had a few friends who stuck by me and afforded me support. I didn’t necessarily have family support, but family is friends we make along the way. Sometimes it takes a day and sometimes it takes a lifetime to bring about change.

judge with no history of the case and just presented me as a drug addled, crazy, mentally imbalanced demon. The judges don’t want to make a bad determination that will come back to bite them.

Q: You were completely blindsided. You never saw any of it coming? A: I had been married for 20 years. It wasn’t even an afterthought, the notion of divorce. We didn’t have any issues that would have led us to divorce. There wasn’t any disharmony.

Q: Divorce is one thing. This was complete assassination. A: And this happens more often than we want to believe. We live in a culture where man has been devalued, where many groups and organizations want to do away with the male.

Q: Why are the courts so biased against men? A: I think to a degree the Q: It’s crazy that the judges didn’t even read your stellar psychiatric evaluations. A: They didn’t care. They’re a legal system, not an emotional support system.

Q: But it was a required ticket to your children. A: I had many tickets. August 6, 2015, was what I called my golden ticket. Judge Shelly Kaufman gave me three months if I was clean in my drug tests. I didn’t have a history of drugs. That was my pathway. And a week before, I had a lemon poppy seed muffin, which came up as opiates. And my ex-wife’s skillful attorney got it before a

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system is biased towards families. It doesn’t really help families. It purports to do that, but it doesn’t. I think there’s a cancel culture. There’s a Me Too monologue and we needed a Me Too dialogue. I think there have been a lot of innocent men in the idea of all men are bad and we should believe all women. We should not believe all women, just like we should not believe all men or believe anyone, as a whole. We have to treat each case individually, look at the facts and the evidence. Everyone should be innocent until proven guilty and yet we don’t have a presumption of innocence in the one branch of our legal system where it should be the most important, which is family law.

Why do criminals get a presumption of innocence and parents, partners and exspouses and by “de-facto” children get no presumption of innocence? It’s guilty until proven more guilty.

Q: Tell us about CPU (Children and Parents United), the non-profit group. A: As I was preparing for the book to come out, I wanted to create something that was sustainable and had a sense of mission and purpose, so CPU was born. America is the world leader of children growing up in single parent households. There are many reasons for that: systemic, social policy, state legislation and laws, our approach to divorce court, how we generationally and intergenerationally approach relationships and the unification of marriage. So the mission of CPU is to promote and improve child wellbeing by providing information and resources to policy makers, legislators, practitioners and the general public, that result in enhanced relationships and reduced conflict for those children and parents navigating our current family law system. We’re building out three cost effective areas – CPU Communications, CPU Mediations and CPU Law – to keep families out of court. O

GREG ELLIS

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THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

SURVIVAL STORY

FLOURISHING PHYSICALLY

LEGALLY LITERATE

Find a Good Lawyer in 7 Steps by Michael Lewis

This is your life we are talking about, so you want to make sure you take every necessary step to find the right lawyer for your needs. It is very hard to do this, though, with all the ads flying at you, the people soliciting you and all the negative things heard about lawyers these days. But the fact of the matter is you can find the right lawyer and not all of them are bad.

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EMOTIONAL MASTERY

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

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BELIEVE IT OR NOT, SOME ATTORNEYS ACTUALLY GET INTO THEIR CAREER NOT TO MAKE MILLIONS OR TO BEAT THE DRUG COMPANIES BUT TO REALLY HELP YOU. HERE ARE SOME OF THE THINGS TO LOOK FOR IN YOUR LAWYER. TAKE THESE STEPS TO FIND THE PERFECT LAWYER FOR THE JOB.

STEP:

Find a lawyer who specializes in your field. This is important because you want someone who not only knows how to handle a case like yours, but also one who will be up to date on the latest rulings and procedures for your case. This simple thing can really make a large difference. Many lawyers have one or two specialties and then do other things as well. If you find one who specializes in your needs, of say traffic violations or divorce, you are likely to be able to count on them to know more about how to handle your case than someone who specializes in business proposals.

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STEP:

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look towards your local Bar Association for recommendations on someone. Not To find a lawyer you can trust,

everyone has a lawyer on retainer, so it helps to know someone out there is recommending the one you are choosing. If you feel you can, ask friends and family about their recommendations as well.

LEGALLY LITERATE

FOCUS ON FINANCES

STEP:

Once you find a few names to consider, make

sure you do a little research about them. You can check on their relevant experience and their record for cases like yours. While this will not tell you whether your lawyer will win your case, it is safe to say it will give you some idea of his or her skills, nonetheless.

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

Consider how well the lawyer will be dedicated to your case. You can judge this by what he or she tells you and by how well the person works with you. Will she meet the deadlines? Does she return your calls? Can you trust him to be on time for appointments? Ask him how much time he will devote to your case and how many other cases he is handling at the time. You need to know the dedication to your personal needs.

STEP: STEP:

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

Perform an interview with the lawyer. Ask he or she the questions above. But, if at all possible, make it an in-person interview. This will help you to “feel out” the lawyer. Ask him about how he will handle your case and what he can do for you to make sure you win your battle. An experienced lawyer should be able to tell you step-by-step what will happen, when it will happen and why it happens.

LEGALLY LITERATE

STEP:

Let’s face it. We cannot all have the best lawyers out there. It is

important to compare retainer fees. While you may be under the impression you need the best lawyer out there, you simply may not be able to afford he or she. However, instead of worrying about this, consider instead what the lawyer’s record is and how well she can do her job for the money she will charge you.

STEP:

Lastly, it is important to

choose a lawyer whom you trust. If you do not feel comfortable with a lawyer, you shouldn’t work with her. It makes sense you should be able to talk to the person easily and tell him the who’s, the what’s and the why’s of your case. You should be able to provide him with what he needs to know. Trusting your lawyer will also help you to relax and relieve some of your own stress.

SO, THE PERFECT LAWYER? IS THERE REALLY ONE OF THOSE OUT THERE? THERE IS THAT ONE LAWYER YOU WILL BE PROUD TO CALL YOUR OWN. WHEN YOU TAKE THE TIME TO MAKE SURE THE LAWYER YOU HAVE CHOSEN IS A GOOD ONE, YOU CAN BE SURE YOUR CASE AND YOUR LIFE IS SAFE AND SECURE IN HER CAPABLE HANDS. O MICHAEL LEWIS is an editor at lawyer-map.com where you can find more articles about finding a good attorney.

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THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

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FLOURISHING PHYSICALLY

LEGALLY LITERATE

FOCUS ON FINANCES

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

FOCUS ON FINANCES

Financial Strategies for Surviving Divorce by Kelly Trevethan

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MINDING YOUR MINDSET

FOCUS ON FINANCES

In my 36 years as a Private

Wealth Counselor, I have seen many divorces. Make no mistake about it — divorce is heartbreaking. To make matters worse, you’re left to figure out how to salvage the economics of your new financial life after the divorce.

I have found that, for my clients, the best way to start is by taking one step at a time. Write down a list of the most important items and then commit to addressing them one by one. Facing the difficult reality of divorce can be scary and create loads of anxiety, but you can and will get through this. It all starts with having trusted advisors who can help you create a plan designed to provide you with financial peace of mind. Divorce rarely goes smoothly, as people’s worst traits get exposed during this process, not for all, but for many couples. Taking care of you is where it all must start. You need to surround yourself with people

Spring 2022 I DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM

THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

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FOCUS ON FINANCES

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

who can help fill up your positive emotional energy cup. You need to choose professionals who can support you in all areas, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, legally and financially. The first thing you need to do is to take care of your body and pay attention to your own needs. Find someone to help you with meditation, yoga or work with a personal trainer at your local health club. You will need to find a strong divorce lawyer. A good lawyer will help you understand what your rights are, along with your responsibilities, throughout this process. It’s important that your attorney is more of a teacher than a dictator. The goal is to legally close the relationship, then move on. Financial worries can and will be some of your biggest stressors, so

“It’s important that your attorney is more of a teacher than a dictator.” ask your existing trusted advisors (CPA, estate planning attorney), for several recommendations for a qualified financial advisory firm. It is important to ask if the firm has a special divorce planning group. You should interview each financial advisor and ask for references you can call to confirm they have done a good job advising their existing divorced clients. A qualified financial advisor should do a thorough analysis of every aspect of your financial life. At my firm, Mariner Wealth Advisors, we call this a “Financial Control Scorecard.” This will include learning about your current retirement accounts, insurance policies and employee benefit plans. Finding your new trusted support team may take time, so don’t rush these important choices. Find the best personality fit that makes you feel at peace. When working with a qualified

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

financial advisor, the first step they will take is to take an inventory of the assets you have and help you to determine where you are now and how to generate income from your investments that can help sustain your lifestyle after the divorce. This could be a list of assets you own individually or jointly with your spouse and will include 401(k) plans, stock options, real estate holdings, private investments and deferred compensation plans. Your financial advisor will ask you to collect all your legal documents. Always remember to send documents using a secure uplink, which your financial advisor’s firm should provide to you. With all the cybersecurity breaches that have taken place recently, you do not want to send these private documents over standard email. Uploading them into a secure link protects your personal information from getting into the wrong hands. Your financial advisor should ask you to provide any life insurance,

FOCUS ON FINANCES

traditional health care coverages and long-term care policy information to review and keep current, while you complete the divorce proceedings. Your advisor can review the policies to make certain they are still appropriate for you, post the division of assets. Another reason to update your insurance policies, is to name a new beneficiary after your divorce. Post-divorce, your life insurance and disability payouts should go to loved ones who depend on your income, not your former spouse. A financial advisor worth their weight will be sure you have at least a term life policy worth 10–12 times your annual income, to protect your loved ones should anything unexpected happen to you. Like life insurance, your will or living trust document will need to be updated to benefit your kids and loved ones. You’ll need to update these documents, so your possessions and assets go to the right people and not your former spouse. It is best to wait until the divorce is final, so you know which assets to include into your new estate planning documents. After the divorce is final, you will want to update your powers of attorney. You most likely will want to remove your former spouse from having the power of attorney to make your financial or medical decisions for you, should you become incapacitated due to an accident or injury. With the assistance of a qualified financial advisor, you will be able to put yourself in a better position to live your best life and have peace of mind that your wealth plan reflects this life change. You don’t have to go it alone. Having the right advice along the way from a team that puts your interests first is key — don’t settle for anything less. O

KELLY TREVETHAN is a senior wealth advisor with Mariner Wealth Advisors. He is a 36-year veteran of the financial services industry and has helped many families navigate divorce. He can be reached at:

Kelly.trevethan@marinerwealthadvisors.com

The views expressed are for commentary purposes only and do not take into account any individual personal, financial, legal or tax considerations. As such, the information contained herein is not intended to be personal legal, investment or tax advice. Nothing herein should be relied upon as such, and there is no guarantee that any claims made will come to pass. The opinions are based on information and sources of information deemed to be reliable, but Mariner Wealth Advisors does not warrant the accuracy of the information. Mariner Wealth Advisors (“MWA”), is an SEC registered investment adviser with its principal place of business in the State of Kansas. Registration of an investment adviser does not imply a certain level of skill or training. MWA is in compliance with the current notice filing requirements imposed upon registered investment advisers by those states in which MWA maintains clients. MWA may only transact business in those states in which it is notice filed or qualifies for an exemption or exclusion from notice filing requirements. Any subsequent, direct communication by MWA with a prospective client shall be conducted by a representative that is either registered or qualifies for an exemption or exclusion from registration in the state where the prospective client resides. For additional information about MWA, including fees and services, please contact MWA or refer to the Investment Adviser Public Disclosure website (www.adviserinfo.sec.gov). Please read the disclosure statement carefully before you invest or send money.

Spring 2022 I DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM

B Y MO NI Q UE R E IDY

LAURA

WASSER’S EVOLUTION of

DISSOLUTION PHOTOGRAPHS BY KEVIN FOLEY PHOTOGRAPHY / MAKEUP BY CHRISTA FOLEY WARDROBE: MS WASSER’S COLLECTION

IN OUR GO-FOR-THE-JUGULAR DIVORCE CULTURE, ONE OF THE MOST RECOGNIZED NAMES IN MARITAL DISSOLUTION SAYS THE TRUE SECRET TO A HAPPY DIVORCE IS THE WILLINGNESS TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON. LAURA WASSER, A SAVVY BEVERLY HILLS-BASED DIVORCE LAWYER WHO HAS REPRESENTED SOME OF THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY’S BEST-KNOWN CELEBRITIES, IS ON A MISSION TO CHANGE THE FACE OF DIVORCE.

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EVOLUTION of DISSOLUTION 40

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aura Wasser’s persona is far from the common depiction of today’s tough lawyer. She’s stunning, smart, socially engaging, and perfectly wrapped in designer clothing (the ones you can only purchase if you’re a size zero). And of course, she’s always adorned in amazing shoes. But beyond her beauty is a hard-working woman who is compassionate and believes that “tough” has more to do with being educated than inflexible. “I hate it when I go to a doctor and I don’t understand what they’re telling me,” Wasser says, “that’s why I do my best to take the information I know and distill it in the most understandable way, so the client has all the information needed to make reasonable decisions. I think people are intimidated by professionals and I don’t want clients to feel that way.” Wasser believes that helping individuals embark on their next chapter is a vital part of her job and she does so by guiding them through the journey with an astute knowledge of family law. “People may not be thrilled with the outcome of a divorce - it’s not easy to watch half of that stock portfolio go to someone else,” she says, “but you’re going to be happier than if you spent another 12 or 18 months in litigation and paid a ton more in legal fees.” Her primary recommendation to those starting the divorce process is to acquire as much information as possible. Although her hourly rate is $1000.00, Wasser’s initial consult with prospective clients is free of charge. “Have meetings with divorce lawyers, come in for the divorce 101 talk,” Wasser advises, “it’s another chance to be empowered.”

“I think people are intimidated by professionals and I don’t want clients to feel that way.”

Knowing what the law says goes a long way in understanding how a settlement will turn out. “Divorcing people need to tell their story,” Wasser says, “they have to get it out in front of a neutral person.” They may tell their therapist, support group, or lawyer and usually, telling a judicial officer is important to them. “The judge won’t listen to your whole story because he or she doesn’t have time on their docket,” she says, “so tell your lawyer the story, but at the end of the day, it’s just about dividing assets in a community property State.” The fact that California is a nofault State is a good thing, Wasser believes. “The burden of proof would not work today with apps like Photoshop.” She also believes that California’s divorce laws are better than in other States. “We’re seeing much more mediation here,” says Wasser, “in California we have better dad laws and can use private judges, so we don’t clog up the court system.”

Wasser is a proponent of keeping divorce issues and facts private, however, in the State of California, the minute a divorce is filed, it’s public. She’s hoping to change that despite the media’s desire to retain access to salacious celebrity divorce details. On an even larger scale, she believes there is still work to be done to change the way this country views divorce. “In 30 years, divorce hasn’t changed much at all,” she says. “I’m not a therapist but I do know that if you’ve been married to someone and you have children together, there was a time when you were in love,” says Wasser, “so can’t we make this uncoupling a little more reasonable and respectable, especially if you have to co-parent?” Wasser’s perspective about co-parenting is reflected in her personal experience. She was married once for 14 months and has two sons by two men she never married but

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with whom she shares custody. They all get along well because they have worked together to accommodate each other’s plans and lifestyles and put their children first. “I am able to co-parent so well with the fathers of my kids because I watched my parents do it,” says Wasser, “they always got along well.” Wasser’s parents, both lawyers, had a tremendous positive impact on her on may levels. Her mom, who passed away in 2019, was her consummate cheerleader and amazing female role model. Her father, celebrated family law attorney, Dennis Wasser, is her biggest fan and her idea of a tough guy. “I started working at my dad’s firm when I was out of law school, waiting for my bar results,” Wasser says, “and I found that I loved family law.” Now the managing partner at Wasser, Cooperman, and Mandles, she is passionate about helping clients through one of the toughest transitions they’ll likely go through. Wasser honed her skill as a clever lawyer by working with her father. “My dad and his partner taught me to watch the judge, more so than even opposing counsel (and it’s not so easy with a mask),” she says, “I pay attention to what they’re tracking, and when they pick up a pen and start writing.” She also attributes some of her success to a supportive team. “Our firm is like a family,” Wasser says, “we enjoy each other so much – everyone from the IT guy to the receptionist to the senior partners. And the woman who runs the entire firm has been my best friend since second grade.” A lifelong Angeleno, Wasser is well-connected to her community. She graduated from Beverly Hills High School and still maintains longtime friendships with former classmates, some with whom she serves alongside in philanthropic efforts. “Most of those non-profits

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“If you’re the bigger person the other person will rise up to be better. It’s also a great example for the kids.”

benefit the Los Angeles region and involve custody cases and domestic violence issues in the underprivileged sectors.” In her effort to help improve the face of the divorce system in California, Wasser created an online mediation platform called “It’s Over Easy.” The site features support calculators, custody calendars, and computations for standard of living determinations. The platform processes the assets and the incomes, computes the figures, and calculates the settlement. The parties can then submit the paperwork to the court. “We’ve had users say we’re never going to be able to do this, we need lawyers,” says Wasser, “but most of the time, they work it out. If they hit a wall, they are referred to a lawyer.” “People feel like they’re the masters of their destiny,” she says, “they apply the law on their own, and it’s better than having a judge bang her gavel and say you won, or you lost.” It’s Over Easy has been such a success that it’s in the process of being acquired by a multi-national legal

tech company, adding “savvy entrepreneur” to Wasser’s long list of accomplishments. Wasser has authored “It Doesn’t Have to be This Way,” available on Amazon, and hosts two podcasts, “Divorce Sucks” and “All’s Fair.” The common thread through Wasser’s work is her conviction that “this too shall pass — if you’re going through a terrible time you’ll get through it,” she says, “If things are good, enjoy it and seize the day: Carpe Diem!” “I believe in happy endings,” says Wasser, “and I believe that people need to compromise, communicate and work together.” And her advice to those battling out a difficult divorce? “Be the bigger person,” she says, “if you’re the bigger person the other person will rise up to be better. It’s also a great example for the kids.” Wasser aspires to help individuals as well as an entire system to do better. “I really hope that I can leave a mark on this industry,” she says, “I hope we do divorce differently as a result of my work.” O

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COMMON FRIEND T Y P E S and WHY WE WANT THESE GALS IN OUR CIRCLE

I HAVE A COUPLE OF VERY CLOSE FRIENDS I CAN VENT ANYTHING TO AND I KNOW THEY WILL BE SUPPORTIVE WHILE OFFERING NONJUDGMENTAL, HELPFUL ADVICE. THEY ARE MY GO-TO GALS FOR JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING. I ALSO HAVE FRIENDSHIPS WHERE THERE’S A MUTUAL HOLDING BACK, IF YOU WILL. By Patricia Leavy, PhD

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5 COMMON FRIEND TYPES AND WHY WE WANT THESE GALS IN OUR CIRCLE

Information is shared far more selectively as responses are less predictable or desirable. Then there are the treasured women in my network with whom I share particular kinds of things, because either I know they could relate or because their perspective is very different than my own, and thus useful. Then of course there are those gals who were once-upon-atime in my circle that made me wonder: is she a real friend? Strong bonds between women are vitally important as we negotiate both the everyday stuff of life and the bigger challenges and choices we face. While I feel fortunate to have a range of meaningful female friendships, I’ve had my share of dysfunctional relationships too, and I have pulled the life-support cord on more than one friendship. To me, there is a one question test

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

“A good springboard friend won’t come back at us with the one “right” answer but will throw different ideas out there and let us reach our own conclusion.” to gauge whether a friendship is healthy: does she bring out the best in me? The best barometer for the health of a friendship is your own mood and behavior. If you find, like I have, that you have a female friend with whom you are short tempered, passive aggressive, unsupportive or simply uninterested, it isn’t a healthy friendship and it really doesn’t matter whose “fault” it is. Cut the cord. But then there are the kinds of friends that enrich our lives in many ways, and they aren’t all the same.

the role they play in their sense of self. In much of my research I explore female friendships and the ways women communicate with each other— what we do and don’t say to each other. Through all of this I have come to see there are “types” of friends women often have and each type is based on specific patterns of interpersonal communication. Here are five common friend types and why we may want women who embody them in our circle:

As a sociologist interested in relationships and identity, I have had the opportunity to interview many women about their friendships and

friends we can bounce ideas off— whether it’s advice about dating, marriage or our sex lives, decoding our feelings about one of our rela-

Springboards: We all need

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5 COMMON FRIEND TYPES AND WHY WE WANT THESE GALS IN OUR CIRCLE

Tough Love: We all need at least one forthright, unabashedly honest and let’s say it, bossy broad in our lives. This friend doesn’t say things to wound or cause drama, but she calls you out when you’re trying to lie to yourself and we love her for it.

Mutual Silence is Kindness:

tionships, changing our hair or our job, it’s healthy to get our thoughts out. A good springboard friend won’t come back at us with the one “right” answer but will throw different ideas out there and let us reach our own conclusion. Sometimes we need to work it out for ourselves, but not by ourselves. A friend who asks things like, “how do you feel about that?” or “what are your options?” can provide just what we need in those moments.

Mirrors: There are some friends that know us better than anyone else in our lives. They look at us and know how we feel and what we need from them, whether it’s a hug, a good long talk, or something else. Just one friend like this can carry us through a lifetime.

Sometimes this person is a cradle to grave friend we were lucky enough to sit next to in a sandbox when we were little, but these wonderful women can come to us at other times in our life too. When someone can mirror your truth back at you, and it is entirely authentic, you’ve got a friend for life.

Safety Nets: Sometimes we just

Sometimes we simply don’t want to talk about it, whatever it is. We aren’t ready. It’s too painful or embarrassing. The greatest girlfriends know when silence is indeed golden, and they make it easy for us; they listen and they don’t ask. In return, we do the same for them, even if we have to bite our lip or pretend that we don’t see and hear something that we do see or hear. Sometimes the most empathy one gal can express to another comes in the hush of quietness. O

want someone who will say nice things to us. You know - that friend who is always smiling and ready to tell you that your hair looks good, your kids are wellbehaved, and you kicked-butt at work. We know she’ll never say a bad word to us, or something difficult for us to hear and she’ll always provide a safe place to fall. PATRICIA LEAVY, PHD is an acclaimed popfeminist author and expert commentator as well as a leading qualitative and arts-based researcher with a dozen books to her credit, including American Circumstance. Dr. Leavy has appeared on national and local television and is regularly quoted in such international, national and local print news as The New York Times, USA Today, The Boston Globe, and The Los Angeles Times.

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THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

SURVIVAL STORY

FLOURISHING PHYSICALLY

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

LEGALLY LITERATE

FOCUS ON FINANCES

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

SURVIVING INFIDELITY

Working through the Anguish of Betrayal and Infidelity by Cynthia Weston, LMFT

Your life has suddenly been

turned upside down and your stomach has been turned inside out. You most likely feel that you have no solid ground on which to stand. You may question all that you have believed about your past, present and future because it has changed overnight. You may feel like your relationship was all a total lie. You might wonder “who is this person I have been living with all of these years?” The trauma of betrayal is life changing. Every cell and fiber of ones being is challenged. Doubting our value and feelings of not being enough may overtake us at times. The grief and loss experienced, along with the inability to face life “as usual”, can be one of the most difficult realities to face. It is like walking on a tight rope through life hoping that you don’t fall one way or the other. Some may need to reel their lives into a private world. Television and music may no longer be a part of your experience because they present ideas, emotions, visuals and suggestions that can be too painful. Caring for children

may be a blessing, but this, too, can be challenging when you’re in such pain and trying to remain present and nurturing. Asking for help with your children during this time is a good idea. Holding back your tears while struggling to cope are very common challenges when you find out your partner has cheated on you. Betrayal hurts deeply and if you are experiencing it, I am sorry. In this moment I am sure it is hard to even fathom that there is hope. No matter how bleak your life feels to you today .... you can and will, not only survive this crisis, but become conscious on an entirely different level of all that you are. Your strengths, your needs and your higher good can all become part of the discoveries that are ferreted out from a betrayal. Right now, I don’t expect that you can even see this far into the future because you feel that what you planned, trusted, and adhered to, has changed overnight. However, it is important to know that many have walked this path before you and have positive stories to tell. Knowing this can

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THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

SURVIVAL STORY

FLOURISHING PHYSICALLY

LEGALLY LITERATE

FOCUS ON FINANCES

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

one new, can be very deceiving. Stopping and taking a good look at what is driving your choices is crucial. It’s crucial because the feelings and validation enlightened by the paramour may appear to fulfill needs that have been void in your relationship/marriage. It is in this time frame that you may believe and “feel” that the “other” is the key to all that has been missing. The downside is that the emotional choices made during this period can have painful consequences for you and your family. It is not uncommon to realize that the choices made in an emotional whirlwind can result in you experiencing incredible regret and loss. be encouraging, especially when you might feel uncertain or hopeless. A FEW THINGS THAT MIGHT BE HELPFUL DURING THIS DIFFICULT TIME:

to the relationship and trying to make sense of your situation, taking care of yourself by having a positive support system and establishing healthy boundaries, is far more helpful and productive.

1) Be selective about who you

3) Try to keep in mind that what

choose to share your situation with. There may be a tendency to tell the world or to go it alone sometimes due to feelings of shame. Every confidant comes with their own views and experiences that will affect how they communicate with you. Finding a good therapist who understands this sensitive situation is essential. It is important to have a safe place to explore your deep and painful feelings which may include anger, resentment, fear, insecurity, and loss. (The goal is to settle with your feelings to find ways to move forward that are in your best interest without judgement.)

2) As hard as it might be to keep

the focus on yourself and your own feelings, processing them is highly recommended. Anger, rage, becoming a detective, spending all your time trying to figure “them” out can reignite the trauma response over and over again. As much as it may be a way of staying connected

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

you are feeling today will change. Have compassion for the many feelings that are being triggered on such a deep level. Be gentle with yourself and give permission to take life a little easier. Try to not expect as much from yourself as normal. Even though affairs, betrayals and broken trust happen on a daily basis, this does not lesson the enormous pain of a broken heart. TO THE BETRAYER - WHEN YOUR AFFAIR BECOMES KNOWN

The many feelings that you may be experiencing are very real. Although others may seem to have little or no compassion for your process, you too are in an emotional crisis. The dishonesty and broken trust are difficult realities to face for both parties. Being caught between the feelings of betrayal of your long-term partner and the excitement and adoration of some-

If you have children, allow yourself to look at how your choices may affect them. It can be very easy to overlook the consequences on family life. The division of time with your children, holidays, milestones, school functions, sports events and beginning a new relationship has its challenges. In the beginning all seems so doable because you are in a “feel good” state that believes all will be well. This is not to say that some relationships don't manage to work out the details of a blended family, but in truth statistics show that it’s not easy and has life changing effects on our children. I encourage you to take that “time out” before you effect the lives of so many based on “a feeling.” I am not in any way trying to “rain on your parade.” I am hoping to help you evaluate your situation from a more thought-out perspective because we know emotions can drive the decisions in an affair. Spending time with a therapist who can support you to look beneath the surface of what your experiencing, can be very helpful. You may be conflicted with many emotions such as fear, guilt, anger, loneliness, and anxiety. Having someone to help you sort these emotions out is important.

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

A FEW THINGS THAT MAY BE HELPFUL DURING THIS DIFFICULT TIME:

1) If there is any part of

CYNTHIA WESTON, MS, LMFT EMDR Healing experiences from life's difficulties led me on a path to support others that want the same. Staying stuck, fearing change, and learning to get to the other side of myself and face the internal, emotional and spiritual challenges is what I'm all about. I am relational, compassionate, deliberate and transparent. I have passion for those that are caught in or stuck in a spiral of confusion, disillusion, heartache and uncertainty. I know that life can turn us inside out without knowing where to land. Most of my greatest challenges have made me strong, unafraid, adventurous and excited to face the life I am creating for myself. I have been in private practice for over twenty years, specializing in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprossing for trauma. Clients struggling with Divorce, infidelity, addiction and parenting skills are part of my specializations. My clients are of all ages and come from all walks of life. I believe I have a unique way of reaching people through my transparency, compassion and personal life experience by creating a safe place. I am working via Zoom dividing my time between California and Tennessee. I am a grateful mom to a son, I have two beautiful Granddaughters and a spicy standard poodle, Stella. I’m a country music fan, lover of the outdoors, an actress and writer. Keep and eye out for my book. I can be reached at

818-347-2600

Email: cynthiaweston77@gmail.com and Webpage:

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you that struggles with the betrayal of your significant other and the conflict you may be experiencing, take some time as difficult as it might be to enter therapy and process the reality of your decisions. Just allow time to let someone else ask you the questions you may not be able to face at this time.

2) Emotions run high

during affairs and rational thinking may not be achieved without a time out for you to get to your inner truth.

3) Remember that what

most likely led to your affair was a loss of communication between you and your partner. It may not be the loss of “love” that came between you and your significant other. As time passes and reality sets in with your affair, you may realize that you were lonely, hurt, rejected and angry with your partner which led to your going outside of your relationship.

“If you have small children, protecting them from negative emotions in your household is very important.”

4) If you choose to allow yourself the above process, then share with your partner that you are going to seek counsel. This may allow time in this upheaval to become more rational and honest with yourself, whatever that may be.

5) If you have small chil-

dren, protecting them from negative emotions in your household is very important. Coming and going and arguing with your significant other when you are uncertain of what you are going to do is emotionally difficult on your children. If your children are older and they know what is going on, it is best to let them know that, although you and your partner are going through this time, you will remain constant and available to them. Give permission for them to ask questions and express their feelings, fears, and disappointments. Let them know it is not their fault. It's alright to say you're sorry and how difficult it is for all of you to be going through this difficult time. Let them know that you, as their parents, will figure out what needs to happen and that it is important for them to continue moving forward with their lives. O

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THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

SURVIVAL STORY

FLOURISHING PHYSICALLY

LEGALLY LITERATE

FOCUS ON FINANCES

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

Look Who’s Talking! by Esther C. Bleuel, MA, MFT, MDR

Self-talk is pretty universal. Though you may not be aware of it, we all have con-

versations with ourselves quite naturally throughout our waking hours. How about you? What have you said to yourself today? Was it helpful? Was it kind? How did you feel?

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

“Creating a life of meaning and purpose requires listening to your own self-talk.” At the beginning of each year we often write about our intentions for the New Year … the promises we make about how we’d like to improve. How have you done so far? Have you had any conversations with yourself about your intentions or accomplishments? Moving into spring often brings thoughts of spring cleaning and de-cluttering. Since tax season is just around the corner, we may need to focus on financial concerns. And let’s not forget that summer and bathing suit season will be here in no time. What kind of vacation shall we have this year? Whenever we choose to improve, to begin or to end, it’s important that we focus on the positive aspects of our goals and circumstances. If we let our-

selves down, self-criticism tends to creep in. Instead, let’s be kind and accountable with ourselves and just get back on track. Words matter! The life you have now is the result of what you think and of the conversations you have with yourself. Make it a point to be independent and not be defined by the opinions and judgments of others. Creating a life of meaning and purpose requires listening to your own self-talk. Is it helpful, encouraging and uplifting? If not, change your selfdefeating thinking. Speaking of conversations, a good way to improve the quality of your relationships and your life is to engage in constructive conversations with others. Focus on achieving positive outcomes. Optimistic self-talk will increase your selfconfidence and selfrespect, diminish fear and doubt, and reduce stress. You can coach yourself through most challenging situations with a positive attitude and supportive inner dialogue. Always show respect and kindness to yourself and others.

HOW’S YOUR SELFTALK?

more positive way of looking at this?

Challenge the Message.

Listen to Yourself. Notice whether your message is helpful or critical, positive or negative. Think about and feel your pattern of self-talk.

02 Test Reality. What would you say to a friend in a similar situation? Is there a

03 Listen to your voice and replace the negative or unhelpful thoughts with positive ones. For example, if you are thinking, “I’ll never be able to do this,” ask yourself instead, “Is there anything I can do that will help me to conquer this task or project?”

04 Gain Perspective. Ask yourself, “Is this situation as bad as I imagine? Is there anything good about it? Will this matter in five years?”

05 Your Inner Voice Includes Conscious and Unconscious Thoughts, Assumptions and Beliefs. Some self-talk is positive and reasonable – “I’d better study for that exam.” Some is negative or selfdefeating – “I’m sure I’m going to fail.” Practice messages that are uplifting and validating. Say aloud what you would like to hear. O

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SURVIVAL STORY

FLOURISHING PHYSICALLY

Barbara Huson

THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

LEGALLY LITERATE

FOCUS ON FINANCES

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

“Often times, if you don’t deal with your money, your money will deal with you.”

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

Author Barbara Huson’s Three-Pronged Process to Financial Success by Janine Goldberg

hen your father

is the “R” in “H&R Block” and your (first) husband is a successful stockbroker, you aren’t waiting for the proverbial financial bottom to fall out from under you. Meet Barbara Huson whose story of resilience and success will help women everywhere want to dig in their heels, develop a healthy relationship with finances, and become the woman they’ve always dreamed of being. When Huson was growing up, her father told her not to worry about money and so she didn’t. After marrying her first husband, this advice was cemented, and she relied on him to handle their finances. Unfortunately, she learned early on in their marriage that he was a compulsive gambler… “and I stayed married to him for 15 years. I knew he was gambling my money away and I continued to let him manage it because that’s how terrified and intimidated I was about anything financial.” She adds, “I was so terrified

that I thought I couldn’t make it on my own, so I stayed with him. The only reason I left wasn’t because of the gambling, it was because he became physically abusive.” Huson recounts that if you don’t deal with your money, your money will deal with you. She received a series of tax bills – totaling over a million dollars. Way over a million dollars. When she took the first $500,000 tax bill to show her father, he told her not to worry about it and so she put the bill in the tax pile and let it be. It was only after she brought the pile to her accountant and his face went white that she realized she was in trouble. Adding insult to injury is the fact that her husband fled the country and her father wouldn’t loan her the money. But crumble she did not. Huson had three young daughters and she realized she had to get financially smart because she was determined not to live on the streets with her children. At the time she was a journalist and

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THE DIVORCE DOCTOR

SURVIVAL STORY

FLOURISHING PHYSICALLY

LEGALLY LITERATE

FOCUS ON FINANCES

EMOTIONAL MASTERY

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

wasn’t the work ethic for me – and this is important. You have to think differently – what I realized is that financial success is a 3pronged process.” The outer work, she explains is “reading the books and going to classes and understanding the difference between a stock and a bond and how to negotiate a deal.” The inner work involves “exploring my attitudes and beliefs and decisions about making money.” And finally, the higher work is “the spiritual aspect and that played a big part for me. I really believe that GOD put us all on this earth for a purpose and we can’t possibly pursue our purpose if we’re struggling to make ends meet financially, if we’re financially insecure.”

With a new reality looking at her dead on, Huson rolled up her sleeves, committed to getting financially smart, and prayed. She was then hired out of the blue for a freelance writing project to interview women who were smart with money. From there, Huson says: “I’m telling you, talking to those women changed my life. I not only got smart about money (and that was in the early 90s) but I wrote my first book, which came out in 1997 and is still selling today. I’m very proud of it. I got smart and now seven books later, I’m a financial coach.” Sounds simple when it’s condensed into a short profile, right? And you think it must have been her work ethic that got her to her successful self today. Wrong. “It

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

”

making no more than $20,000/year. Her attorneys negotiated down the tax bill and she sold everything in her Trust, minus a couple of properties. Although she’d have to live frugally, she marched on.

Women’s issues with money have nothing to do with money.

”

As she worked the 3-pronged process, she recounts that she was a little panicky “I was sailing along doing these interviews, working on a book and feeling much better and all of a sudden I hit this wall,” she says, “and my eyes starting glazing over and I realized I was saboutaging myself.” She made an appointment with a therapist and told him: “I gotta get smart. I gotta get my money act together. You’ve got to help me.” This was the turning point for her as she began to realize that “there was a part of me that thought my parents would be furious if I took charge and there was a bigger part that thought if I took charge I’d lose everything – that I’m too stupid and I’d rather have my husband do that than me and there was a bigger part that thought if I became financially successful then a man wouldn’t love me. It was only by working on those parts of myself that that’s when things started changing.” Huson recognized that she wanted to do something in the world to use her

MINDING YOUR MINDSET

experience to really help women with finances. In 2015 Huson wiped the slate clean, cancelled her workshops and through journaling, meditation, and prayer she realized she still wanted to help women with their finances but needed to do it in a less traditional way. After reading an article on Neuroscience, she was hooked. Through her extensive research on the subject, Huson realized this was the missing link. She gradually took all the elements she’s most passionate about: spirituality, psychology, and neuroscience and their role in transforming women’s relationship to money. Fast forward to 2022, based on the number of women going to college and becoming CEO’s at blue chip companies, you’d think women are taking charge of their finances. Wrong. “Study after study shows that women are not doing nearly enough to protect themselves financially,” says Huson. She adds that, “The latest Fidelity study, like so many other studies, prove that the #1 reason women aren’t protecting themselves financially is that they lack confidence.” “Women’s issues with money have nothing to do with money,” she says. “It is our fear of or ambivalence toward power. It’s not the money that gives us power, it’s who we have to become to attract, sustain, and grow our wealth.” Huson adds that too many women are waiting to be rescued, but not necessarily by a man. It could be an inheritance, the lottery or just an amorphous something – a type of magical thinking.

a pit bull of a lawyer to represent you – even if you’re in mediation because you’re not thinking straight. I’ve been through two divorces, and I have a great husband. My second one was very different because I got a great lawyer and I was very clear about what my boundaries were.” With all she’s accomplished as author of seven financial books, individual and group wealth coach, webinar host, contributor to national media outlets, coaching millions of women, and raising three daughters, Huson shows no signs of slowing down. “I love what I do. It is the deep connection with the people I get to coach individually or with the women I get to coach in a group. It feeds my soul. I’m 73 years old and I don’t see myself retiring anytime soon.” O Barbara Huson www.barbara-huson.com

HUSON’S WORK WITH CLIENTS ENCOMPASSES Outer Work of Wealth: Understanding the practical steps of financial success and wealth building. Inner Work of Wealth: Exploring your attitudes, decisions and beliefs that are holding you back. Higher Work of Wealth: Using money to make a difference to do what you’re put on this planet to do. Deeper Work of Wealth: Traning the mind to reprogram your brain for wealth and well-being.

Based on this information, what advice would Huson give to women going through a divorce to get control of their finances? “Get

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SOLO TRAVEL WITH A PURPOSE

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

The Benefits of Traveling Alone, Mid-Divorce By Monique Reidy

WHILE TRAVELING WITH FRIENDS OR A ROMANTIC COMPANION CAN BE FUN, TRAVELING ALONE HAS UNIQUE ADVANTAGES, ESPECIALLY WHEN UNDERGOING LIFEALTERING EVENTS, LIKE A DIVORCE. WE ARE SURROUNDED BY NOISE AND DEMANDS AND GETTING AWAY ALONE ALLOWS US TO SEPARATE FROM OUR NORMAL ROUTINE AND FAMILIAR ENVIRONMENT, WHICH CAN OFTEN CLEAR OUR HEAD AND PROVIDE US WITH A FRESH PERSPECTIVE. THERE ARE FIVE SIGNIFICANT BENEFITS TO SETTING TIME ASIDE TO GET AWAY ALONE.

1/ Adopt a New Mindset

Stepping away from the familiar helps us self-reflect and determine if there are any attitudes or opinions we’ve held that aren’t positively serving us. We can determine to begin thinking clearly and make positive pivots in our lifestyles that will be more beneficial to us in the long run. Writing down an action plan is vital and can help propel us to be more committed and consistent in following through.

2/ Diffuse Toxic Emotions

It’s not unusual to feel angry, bitter or even hateful, especially at the beginning of a marriage dissolution. And if the separation happened because of a spouse’s

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SOLO TRAVEL WITH A PURPOSE

infidelity the negative feelings can be intense and often disruptive. We can’t ignore those emotions. They need to be acknowledged and worked through, whether alone or with a divorce coach. But it’s important to remember that those negative feelings are not hurting your former partner, they’re just terrorizing you. They may not go away instantly, but if you can decide to at least begin working through them, you’ll be one step closer to a healthier mindset.

3/ Meet New People

We may have good friends and family with whom we feel comfortable. But unaccompanied by

“We grow when we try new experiences, meet new people and learn to enjoy being with ourselves.” others in a restaurant, support group or at an event can make us more approachable. We often meet people who are going through similar situations as we are and can gain new perspectives from those we meet. We can make new friends and have an opportunity to flex our social muscles.

4/ Feel Empowered

Eating alone at a restaurant, taking a new fitness class in a new town, or simply planning a solo getaway and enjoying every minute of it can help us feel productive. We can learn to speak to ourselves in positive terms, acknowledge our strengths and begin learning to rise above the negative noise. When we try something new and realize we can do it well, our selfesteem gets a boost.

5/ Escape Your Comfort

Zone Simply engaging in a new and unfamiliar situation gets us out of our personal hideout and helps us feel more confident. We grow when we try new experiences, meet new people and learn to enjoy being with ourselves. We can start by taking baby steps and soon we realize that we are stronger than we once were, which can propel us even further forward. The first step is to make a plan to make a plan. Decide that your time away will be spent mapping out your future. Make sure you include some recreation but commit to make the purpose of your time away useful and constructive. It will prove to be an invaluable gift you give yourself. O

MONIQUE REIDY is the president and publisher of Elysian Media Group which produces Divorcing Well Magazine, Southern California Life Magazine, weekendescapesmag.com, and thesavvygal.com. Stay connected at @moreidy and @divorcingwellmag.

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John Gray

The Two Hardest Words The Day I Owned My Part Many years after my own divorce, I felt a sudden prompting to apologize to my ex-husband for my part in our failed marriage. Since the prompting was so powerful, I thought it would be easy to do; that is, until I opened my mouth to say the words, “I’m sorry” and suddenly found the words stuck in my throat. I could not have anticipated how much pride I was still holding on to — even after all those years. On some level, I must have still thought of myself of a victim. Woe is me. After I finally managed to spew out the two hardest words in the English language, a miracle happened. The heart of my macho ex-husband broke open, releasing a floodgate of tears. I think he was as shocked as I was when this happened. It was proof positive that grace is the gateway to redemption and humility heals hearts, and not just our own. We didn’t reconcile, but there was a healing that took place in both off our hearts that day. I can’t think of a better reason to have swallowed my pride and let the light shine through. Hopefully, you’ll find a way, too. – Jenni Keast

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL: WHEN IT COMES TO STARTING OVER, RELATIONSHIP GURU, JOHN GRAY, SAYS: “DON’T JUST GO THROUGH IT, GROW THROUGH IT.” “Time alone does not heal all wounds. How we cope with the loss of love determines the rest of our lives.” – J O H N G R AY

ohn Gray is having a good day — make that a great day. That’s what a great relationship can do for you — well, at least a new great relationship. It can make every day feel like heaven. The 70-year-old Gray, touted on Amazon as the “#1 best-selling relationship author of all time,” happily confides that he’s having “the best time of my life” with his newfound love.

“Not exactly,” says Gray. “Even if it’s a self-guided process, it needs to be an intentional one,” he maintains. Be it because of a death or a divorce (Gray has gone through both), grieving well is critical for a host of reasons, not the least of which it makes you better prepared to meet, and hopefully sustain, that next great love of your life.

Finding love again is a relatively recent phenomenon for Gray. In 2018, he lost Bonnie, his wife of 32 years. She was his world. But when that world suddenly went away — cruelly snatched away by cancer — he, like the rest of us who lose someone we love to death or divorce, grieved deeply.

Part of grieving well actually means leaving well, Gray believes. And a good start to that “leaving well” process he says, is to find the good in that person with whom you spent years, perhaps decades, building a life with. Cultivate the belief that they did the best job they could with the tools they had. Then tell them as much. You may not exactly be feelin’ the love towards your ex when you say it, but you may be surprised at the results.

Fortunately, the man who many consider to be the Jedi Master of interplanetary relationships (he authored Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus), knew how to grieve well. “Grieving well.” Sounds touchy-feely good. But what does that even mean? And why is it even necessary? Can’t we just move on when we feel like it, on our own timetable and in our own way?

But be careful, Gray says. Don’t confuse a step towards healing your heart with the sudden desire to reconcile with your former spouse. The happy ending of the film Parent Trap notwithstanding, the redemptive act of finding good in the person who caused

“The second part in leaving well, is owning up to your part in the breakup.” you pain, doesn’t suddenly make that wrong person, the right person. In other words, don’t try to rewrite the ending of a bad fairy tale in a misguided attempt to make it a “happy ever after” one. That first step you take to heal the rift just means you’ve done your part to walk in love and forgiveness, and you can feel good about that. The second part in leaving well, says Gray, is owning up to your part in the breakup. “The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup, I say a little prayer for you” … and then “I think about what I can learn from my breakup with you to make me a better mate for someone else.” That added twist to the Arthea Franklin classic pop song isn’t a bad prayer to recite when setting yourself on the path to healing — and, ultimately, on

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John Gray

“Part of that redemptive process — turning something bad into something good — is resisting the temptation to think of ourselves as victims.” the road to giving and receiving love again.

to think or act, or something else altogether, playing the role of a victim after a divorce is never a productive thing.

Gray went through a series of selfauthored reflection exercises after divorcing his first wife. He probably didn’t belt out I Say a Little Prayer when he got up every morning (or put on makeup), but he does credit that otherwise painful experience with showing him how to bow out gracefully — even when he was the “wronged party.” (Though according to Gray, using infidelity as a justifiable reason to divorce is just an excuse to end a relationship that really wasn’t working before that transgression.)

“If we feel like a victim, it’s because we don’t understand how we contributed to the problem,” says Gray. By recognizing our own culpability, it frees me from feeling victimized. It also makes it easier for me to forgive myself.” A lifetime of relationship counseling and authoring umpteen books on the subject has taught Gray that the best way to recognize and own our part of the breakup is to be fully committed to the process of healing. “That’s what the process is for, which is to teach people responsibility,” says Gray. “To help with that, you need to allow yourself to go through all your feelings of hurt — your sorrow, your feelings of guilt, your feelings of anger, your feelings of sadness … the whole gambit. You may experience temporary relief in resisting those feelings, but you’ll be unable to fully let go.”

Male vs. female, testosterone vs. estrogen, and specifically, how much of each of the two chemicals are coursing through our respective biological systems at any given time, is a key theme in each of Gray’s Mars and Venus books. Modern sensibilities to the contrary, he doesn’t minimize the impact of those differences. “Taking the time to understand our gender differences and how those play a role in the breakdown of our marriages, is hugely important,” says Gray in his book, Mars and Venus Starting Over, a postdivorce primer that helps men and women navigate the murky world of divorce in a redemptive way.

This “resistance to our resistance” takes work, says Gray. Self-reflection isn’t easy, he believes, because we’re so very good at fooling ourselves. Also, while feeling like a victim puts us on the moral high ground, it’s a very wobbly position to be in. A former monk to a famous Yogi during the 70s, Gray would undoubtedly agree that you don’t have to be a religious person to know the truth of Jesus’ words, “Before you take the speck out of someone else’s eye, remove the log from your own.”

Part of that redemptive process — turning something bad into something good — is resisting the temptation to think of ourselves as victims. Whether it’s due to a misunderstanding of each other’s gender and how we’re innately wired

Thankfully, Gray gives hurting men and women the tools to do this in a way that’s more likely to bring us the results we need to move on and do so more quickly (but not too quickly) than we would without these tools. Grey’s

recovery process after his divorce took approximately nine months — not decades, or even years. No matter how much society tries to normalize it, divorce is devastating. “Never before have we experienced our need for love and connection so agonizingly,” says Gray. “We feel that without our spouse’s love, we cannot get what we need to be happy and for our lives to be meaningful. This sense of hopelessness magnifies the pain of our loss a hundred times.” Hence the need to process the pain so we can let go and move on. But beware of that alluring imitation of “letting go”… of cutting the pain off at the pass too soon, warns Grey. “These people believe they have successfully moved on, but they have done so at the cost of closing the door to their hearts,” says Gray. “To avoid feeling their pain, they have moved on too quickly. As a result, they have numbed their ability to fully feel. They carry on unable to feel the love in their hearts. Their ability to grow in love and happiness is stunted.” Ouch, no one wants that! Nor would any of us intentionally set out to do that. It just happens — unless we set about making sure it doesn’t. In Part II of this article, you’ll discover Gray’s three critical steps that will help you heal the hurt. He shows you how not to just “go through it, but grow through it” What’s waiting for you on the other side? Hopefully, that next great — and lasting —relationship. And if you’re as lucky at love as John Gray is, it will make you feel positively giddy. O COMING IN MAY - Part II: What To Do With A Broken Heart: Three Critical Steps.

For more help read, Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One by John Gray Learn more about John Gray and access his wealth of relationship resources here, including his newest book, Beyond Mars and Venus, Relationship Skills for Today’s Complex World. www.marsvenus.com

DIVORCINGWELLMAG.COM I Spring 2022

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Articles inside

Minding Your Mindset

Emotional Mastery

Emotional Mastery

Focus on Finances

Flourishing Physically

Survival Story

Legally Literate

Editor’s Letter