Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug and Alcohol Recovery

Ballymun Recovery Stories Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Edited by Criostóir Mac Cionnaith & Laura O’Reilly

Given the explicit and sensitive nature of the content of some of the stories, this book may not be suitable for young children. In addition, some people may possibly become upset, in recognition of this, we have included a list of local and national support services at the back of the book.

Ballymun Recovery Stories Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug and Alcohol Recovery

Citation: Mac Cionnaith, C & O’Reilly, L. (2021). Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug and Alcohol Recovery. Dublin: Ballymun Youth Action Project.

Funded by Ballymun Local Drugs and Alcohol Task Force

Cover design/ Illustrations by Anna O’Sullivan (Ballymun Communications) Photos by Ballymun Communications

ISBN 978-1-3999-0369-1

Contents Acknowledgements ii Foreword iv Introduction vi Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13

Valerie’s Story Ken’s Story Amy’s Story Dave’s Story Debbie’s Story Kevin’s Story Kieron’s Story Eileen’s Story Philip’s Story Elizabeth’s Story Stephen’s Story Harry’s Story Samantha’s Story

1 5 7 15 19 25 31 37 43 51 55 61 69

References 76 Resources 77

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

“These stories are brave, a testament to hope. Reading them reveals a dignity, a beauty that may not always be obvious in the daily life of any community. The contributors tell their stories with honesty and courage. They clearly lay out lives which seemed to be lost, and yet today are full of achievement.

Each story recounts the steps taken to turn their lives around.

What is striking, as well as the individual effort, is the range of agencies people used to move into recovery from their addictions, each one contributing something on that path to change.

That recovery is possible, and is being achieved, is beautifully illustrated through these personal accounts.The message is very clear – people can and do recover. We, the readers, can be encouraged by the strength of individuals families, and communities to achieve this. Read them and believe..”

Dr. Mary Ellen Mc Cann (Retired) UCD

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Acknowledgements We would like to thank all the people who have wholeheartedly invested time and energy as they shared their stories of recovery. Without your contributions, this short book would not have been possible. We would also like to thank the BYAP Ethics Committee, the Advisory Group (Dermot King, Marie Lawless and Catriona Nally) who guided the book’s production, as well as Gabrielle Gilligan and Angela King, who provided administrative support assistance. Thanks also to Ballymun Communications, especially Anna O’Sullivan, for the Artwork and Design, Denise Keating, Veronica Wynne and Hilary Morgan for their assistance and support. Their help was very much appreciated. Finally, a special thank you to our reviewers who took the time to read and reflect on the book.

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Foreword Ballymun Recovery was born out of the idea that recovery is a possibility for everyone. Ballymun has a strong recovery community and we wanted to celebrate this and also increase the visibility of recovery in Ballymun, challenge the stigma of addiction and highlight available recovery options.

As a member of the Ballymun recovery steering group I was honoured at the invitation to write this foreword. My first professional involvement in celebrating recovery was several years ago as member of the Recovery Walk committee. That experience stimulated my interest in promoting recovery in Ballymun during the month of September. An initial meeting of Ballymun Youth Action Project service users and staff confirmed this interest in celebrating recovery not just for individuals in recovery but also for their families and the wider community. This small group saw the importance of including other services, organisations and individuals with lived experience in the planning of Recovery Month. That was the beginning of the comprehensive programme of activities that we now see during recovery month each year.

This book is a collection of personal stories written by individuals in recovery.

I dare you not to get goose bumps as you read this book, it is emotional! The authors have captured their journey in the most beautifully descriptive way.

It includes nuggets of wisdom that come from the experience of those telling their stories. I congratulate the author of each story as it takes courage to share a personal journey. This book would not have been possible without the editor’s dedication, support and encouragement to those people sharing their stories.

This book is a wonderful resource for people thinking about change and wondering ‘how do I go about making changes?’ iv

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

• It is for people struggling and facing challenges in their recovery.

• It is for families, letting them know there is hope for their loved one and for their family to heal from addiction/substance use.

• It is for the general community as these stories challenge the myths of addiction and show that anyone can struggle with substance use.

These stories also highlight how addiction affects everyone and how Recovery impacts everyone. It illustrates that recovery is for everyone!

The international theme of Recovery Month 2021 is Recovery is for Everyone, Every Person, Every Family and Every Community. This book illustrates that theme and shows that recovery does not happen in isolation. People recover when they leave the isolation of addiction/substance use and start making connections with others; family, friends, peer recovery supports and professionals.

The stories contained in this book send out a message of hope and optimism that recovery is possible no matter what circumstances you may find yourself in and that Recovery is for Everyone.

Catrióna Nally Project Worker, Ballymun Youth Action Project & Recovery Month Steering Group

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Introduction There is wide recognition and publicity about high levels of substance use in communities that experience disadvantage. All too often, the spotlight is on the use of the substance, rather than the underlying causes which drive people to seek solace and escape through the use of drugs and alcohol or the ways in which people can and do recover. Developing our understanding of why and how people seek help and how services can effectively and efficiently respond, is key. This book focuses on and illustrates the positive changes that people have and are making in their lives in response to ceding their drug and alcohol use.

Although the term ‘recovery’ is not new, there are ongoing discussions and challenges about how to define our understanding of the term recovery.

Often abstinence is assumed to be a key element of recovery but other principles of recovery have been suggested such as empowerment, selfdirection, healing, recognition of the need for change, and rebuilding a life in the community (CSAT, 2009). However, one key evolving idea around recovery, recognises that it is the individual themselves who defines if they are in recovery (Valentine, 2011). As has been the case with other writers and publications, this short book does not set out to define recovery in a narrow way rather the idea of recovery is recognised as “a sense of purpose and meaning, quality of life, and a sense of belonging” (Best, 2014, p5). With this in mind, it is important to acknowledge that behind the images of substance use, is a person, with a human story to tell. Furthermore, while we may be challenged to understand recovery within narrow limits, there has in recent years, been an energised, enthusiastic and passionate focus on what is being termed a recovery ‘social movement’ (Best, 2014).

Since 2019, Ballymun has become involved in this movement and has publicly marked recovery from drug and alcohol use with a number of special themes and events each September. This has become known as Recovery Month.

Recovery month is an inter-agency initiative which aims: vi

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

• To promote and celebrate recovery; • To promote recovery options; and • To challenge the stigma of addiction (Hamilton, 2020).

Recovery month represents a specific time and event in the calendar each year, but recovery, as an idea, a practice, an experience and a way of life, threads through the fabric of Ballymun. Recovery in action is visible on a daily basis.

Previous celebrations of recovery in Ballymun have been positively experienced and successful in a number of ways not least by raising awareness of recovery and promoting its value among those experiencing problematic alcohol and drug use. A review of Ballymun recovery month 2019 (Hamilton, 2020) showed a number of positive impacts on the community including challenging the stigma of addiction and enhancing feelings of pride, empowerment and belonging of those in recovery.

Given the positive and empowering effect that a local and national recovery movement can have, the continued visible promotion of recovery is seen as important at an individual, community and service provision level. With this in mind, this short book was produced and presents the recovery stories of 13 people. The names of all the contributors have been changed to protect their anonymity. The contributors stories describe firstly, their experiences with drugs, alcohol, and in some cases both and secondly, their journeys through a process of change. Not surprisingly, the links between substance use and other social and economic factors is evident and portrayed throughout the stories. It is striking that for many, their use of substances began at an early age; trauma was identified as significant in a number of stories; a sense of feeling captured and enslaved in addiction was highlighted; thoughts of suicide were expressed; and many described the notion of a recognisable ‘rock bottom’. In light of these life experiences, a number of core themes emerged from the stories identifying key turning points for recovery. These included: • A ‘no one size fits all’ approach to recovery; • The importance of pushing at an open door when people are looking for support; • Although family and other peer supports were recognised as very important, the desire to recover for the self was key; and vii

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

• The positive and meaningful experiences that people had when availing of supports in Ballymun.

This book builds on all the other themes, events and conversations around recovery that happen in Ballymun. It is hoped that this book will positively contribute to the spirit and promotion of recovery in Ballymun, and act as an inspiration and motivation to others, through the sharing of stories of recovery.

Finally, towards the back of the book you will notice we have deliberately left a number of blank pages. These pages are a tacit acknowledgement of the many stories of recovery in Ballymun not represented in this book. In effect, these pages symbolise the many stories of recovery in Ballymun that are yet to be told.

We look forward to the continued sharing, writing and reading of the many stories of recovery being lived in Ballymun.

Criostóir Mac Cionnaith & Laura O’Reilly

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

“I am living testimony that recovery is possible.”

- Valerie

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

1 Valerie’s Story “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”

- Oprah Winfrey My story of alcoholism, like many others, is a typical one. As a young child, I was very clingy and needy, always anxious and very, very insecure. I often felt like the square peg trying to fit into the round hole.

School life was hell. I was bullied by others and humiliated by teachers, so I became a loner.

Life improved when I went to secondary school. Lots of change and different people to mix with, it opened my eyes to what I had been missing. I made friends easily with others who were quiet like me. I thought life was great. As the years went on, I made more friends and all

of a sudden, I was with the ‘in crowd’ and I couldn’t believe my luck. That’s when drink came into my life. As a group, we did everything together.

Family didn’t matter anymore. I had friends. Real friends and life wasn’t good; it was great.

The social scene of the weekend was telling lies and saying I was going to the cinema on a Saturday night just to get the money for drinks. We pooled our money to get as much drink as we possibly could. It was always quantity versus quality. I don’t ever remember having any issue buying drinks. No one ever refused us as underage. We were served in 1

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

pubs in town, no bother at all, and we ranged in age from 12 years old to 17 years old.

“When I first found drink, I thought where have you been all my life. I felt like I had arrived in life.”

Having said all that, when I first found drink, I thought, where have you been all my life. I felt like I had arrived in life. I had confidence, courage and a sense of humour. I could get up and dance and talk to the boys. It was wonderful. However, looking back now, I drank for all the wrong reasons and drank way more than my body could handle. I always drank to get drunk and always to excess. I was the one that needed to be minded by either getting sick or falling asleep. Even after all these years, friends always say you just liked your drink; they never thought I had a problem. I continued through life normally enough. I got married and had children. But I still needed the drink; any excuse or not, I drank. I turned into a drunk and had to have a drink every night.

I could function well enough to go to work every day, but over time I lost 2

really good jobs due to my inability to carry them out properly. I’d wake up every morning and swear that last night was the last drink I ever took.

Low and behold, by 4 o’clock, my resolve was gone and the cans were bought. The cycle started all over again. I always knew I would have to give up the alcohol, but I thought I’d end up in hospital for that to happen.

Bills went unpaid, and mortgage payments were missed. The fear of losing my home didn’t change my ways. Drink stopped working for me as an enjoyable pursuit a long time ago. I was now a slave to alcohol. I hated drink and I hated myself for being so weak.

“I was now a slave to alcohol. I hated drink and I hated myself for being so weak.”

Then, 7 years ago, I made the decision to stop drinking. I had lost both my parents and my 2 sisters. I was alone.

I had my own family. However, I missed my maternal family. I missed my sister, who died in 2013. We were very close. I watched and nursed her for 8 months while she battled cancer, but I still drank every night

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

because I had the best excuse for it.

Through the grieving process, I thought long and hard about my life as it was and realised that I had 2 wonderful children and a grandchild that I really, really wanted to see grow up.

life around easy? Definitely not! But with self-belief, sheer determination, goodwill and the use of existing and accessible supports out there, you too can begin a journey of recovery.

I sincerely hope you do. •

“With self-belief, sheer determination, good will and the use of existing and accessible supports out there you too can begin a journey of recovery.”

So, on June 25th, 2014, I drank my last drink. I will not say it was easy, but it was well worth it. I availed of all the supports available out there in my area; they were amazing. I have made some lifelong friends through Alcoholics Anonymous(AA) and other services. When I made the decision to give up drinking, one thing worried me. I thought I would never laugh again. How wrong was I? I can now go for a coffee and have a good laugh as I would have when alcohol was consumed.

I suppose I am living testimony that recovery is possible. Is turning your

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

“I realized that if I continued to drink, I was not going to see 40.”

-Ken

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

2 Ken’s Story “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”

-Confucius I am 37, and I am in recovery. I grew up in Ballymun and was one of 5 children. We were reared by our mother after my father tragically passed away when I was young. I lived a pretty normal life, going to school and hanging out with my friends. My two greatest interests at the time were horses and bikes.

I started drinking when I was 16.

We used to get a few cans and drink them in the fields away from watchful eyes. What started off as a bit of fun soon turned into a regular habit, especially at the weekend. I began drinking more and more as I couldn’t handle the hangovers. As a

result, by the time I was twenty, I was drinking every day. This continued unabated for quite a number of years with disastrous consequences.

My mental and physical health began to gradually deteriorate. I was suffering from bouts of psychosis and I was constantly depressed.

My relationship with my family, my kids and others were extremely strained and it got to the stage where I couldn’t hold down a job for any longer than a few days, if at all. At my family’s request, I started attending a counsellor, but even this was shortlived as I was doing it to appease others.

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

It eventually got to the point where I hit my proverbial rock bottom and went to Vincent’s hospital for help. I also was attending the Mater (Mater Misericordiae University Hospital) and Beaumont hospital for liver problems, and I started taking anti booze.

I realised that if I continued to drink, I was not going to see 40 and with great support and encouragement from my family, friends and local services in the community, I turned a corner both in my mind as well as my behaviours. It was definitely not easy at the start, but with perseverance and the unstinting support I had, I gradually began to find my feet.

Today life is so different, I am stronger in myself and have mended and improved many of my relationships with my family and friends. In addition, I have taken to sport like a duck to water. I am regularly running, cycling, and immersing myself in the icy cold waters for a swim around the Dublin coast. I am also working full time now and feeling the positive physical and mental benefits of abstinence. I have also established a positive outlook on life. It would be wrong to sugar coat recovery as I still have my ups and downs, but even on my worse day, alcohol does not cross 6

my mind. I would appeal to those people who are struggling or battling with their substance use to seek help.

There is, in my experience, plenty of help available in the community.

It would be wrong to sugar coat recovery as I still have my ups and downs but even on my worse day, alcohol does not cross my mind. I would appeal to those people who are struggling or battling with their substance use to seek help.

Recovery is possible if you put your mind to it, but it has to come from yourself and be for yourself. I appreciate that it’s not easy and that your abiding thought in alcohol and or drug use may be that you can’t do it, but I am living proof it can be done. •

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

3 Amy’s Story “Recovery is about progression not perfection.”

-Unknown

I was the youngest of 5 kids, and we lived in absolute squalor in the inner city. My Da was a chronic alcoholic, and he was very violent when he was drinking. My Ma left him when I was 3 and in 1970 this was a very brave thing to do. We were living with aunties and uncles for about a year, and we were moving in and out of other people’s houses. Then my Mam met my stepfather and after a while, we moved out to Ballymun in 1972. It was like heaven. We got a 3-bedroom flat. It was huge, with three bedrooms, a sitting room, a kitchen and a bathroom. We still had nothing. We had a fridge, but it was an empty one. I went to an all-girls

school; I felt very safe there. I met a girl in the flats and we became the best of friends. As I was growing up, I experienced abuse on all levels. My stepfather was a tyrant, domineering and controlling and there was a threat of violence and fear in the house.

Sometimes he was good-humoured, but it was always short-lived.

We moved to Shangan. My Mam had three more children, half brothers and sister, but we never referred to them as that, and my stepdad had 2 daughters from a previous marriage and they came to live with us when I was 13. My Mam and stepfather drank every night in the pub. They 7

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

“That’s the beauty of recovery it seeps into the whole family” -Amy

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

would go up for the last hour, but they had to finance that. We had our basic needs met. Even though we had come up a long way from the start, we still did not go on holidays, we never got treats and birthday presents were a hit and miss. I started smoking cigarettes when I was about 8 years old. After that, I began sniffing glue which a lot of people did.

back then. I used to rob the weekly shopping. My Ma didn’t know about this, but me and my sisters used to split the money. I did this for a long time, then my sisters got caught robbing potatoes and I thought f**k that, I stopped it. I was always particularly good at not getting caught. I could read situations because I was (and still can be) hyper-vigilant.

“I had no selfawareness and no self-esteem. I didn’t listen to my gut or my instincts because I didn’t trust my own judgement and with all the other stuff that had happened to me, I started to believe this is how my life will be.”

Anyway, I started sniffing gas. Most kids my age did it. I dabbled with smoking joints. I didn’t really take to drink much until I was about 19.

When I started constantly drinking, it became my life. I moved in with a guy who was a drug addict. That didn’t go well as he was violent and I had grown up thinking I will never have anything to do with it.

All the stuff, all the “nevers”, all happened and I ended up in a very toxic relationship with this guy. Even though every instinct I had told me not to.

Lady Esquire was a boot polish; you put it on your sleeve and sniffed it.

We had a shoe shop in the shopping centre. I think I must have robbed every bottle of it that they ever stocked. I used to do a lot of robbing

I had no self-awareness and no selfesteem. I didn’t listen to my gut or my instincts because I didn’t trust my own judgement and with all the other stuff that had happened to me, I started to believe this is how my life will be. I was very depressed and low from when I was 19. I had considered suicide a couple of times.

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

I was with him until I was 21 or 22.

Even though it was a short period, it felt like a whole lifetime. My drinking progressed again, no idea of emotions, no idea of myself, no self– awareness.

I spent a lot of time around extremely sick people who were in addiction and suffered from the same low selfesteem and insecurities that I had.

We didn’t discuss these issues. We infected each other with them, I didn’t even know that was a thing. I always thought it was me. I plodded through life, always thinking it was me, always thinking I am the reason I was abused, thinking that I was making him violent because he hates me because I am ugly.

I left him and then I moved straight in with someone else who was an alcoholic and that was just a pattern I had. He was lovely, but he was an alcoholic, so he needs a drink and he needs it all the time. I could go a couple of days and you know I would be hanging on with me fingernails, but I could manage. I left and went back to Ballymun; I was living with my friend. We had been through a lot together as kids, and although she never got into recovery, we remained friends up until her tragic, untimely death. I never got into heavy drug 10

use. That was because my drug was drink. I found my happy place and that was all I needed. I would smoke a few joints, but especially in Ballymun, that was never considered drug-taking, so I carried on with that. I met my partner when I was 26, and I had my first son and I thought I need to sort shit out. That was when the reality of my addiction came to the fore because up to that. I was with people who were in addiction, so nobody noticed.

“It’s a slow process, it doesn’t happen overnight, but the process of recovery was happening for me in my mind. The substance for me is only a symptom of the problems.”

Now a few people that were taking drugs would have said to me, “Your drinking is getting a bit out of hand” and I was laughing at them. I’d say are you having a laugh? You are sticking a needle in your arm. When I decided that I need to stop, I didn’t stop. I drank at 9 o’clock every night.

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

I would get up every single morning and say, I have to stop this; this is not living. Part of me didn’t want that life, but I was a raving alcoholic.

I didn’t want this for my child, but I just couldn’t stop. So, I had my second child when I was 33 and the more I tried to get a handle on it, the worse it was getting. I started daytime drinking. I was working; I was trying ridiculously hard to be normal, but I could not hack it, so it just got worse and worse.

“Every now and again I smile to myself, the little girl is still in me and it’s like she’s minded now, she’s looked after and she’s very loved. It’s such a beautiful freedom, I am happy in that sense. Recovery for me is being free.”

We got a house up in Poppintree after years of living in the flats. I had lung surgery; my body was falling apart, I was dying looking. I looked about 60, and I was only a young

woman. After the lung surgery, I got off the smokes. I was smoking since I was 8, I got off the smokes and I used to put a bit of hash into a yoghurt, but I went back on the drink as soon as I finished the medication from the surgery. It just got worse again because now I wasn’t smoking, I was compensating for that by drinking more and I was reasoning the fact that I’m not harming myself.

I ended up in Vincent’s Hospital (St. Vincent’s Private Hospital), I was hallucinating, auditory hallucinations. They put me on Librium and I had a week of just madness. I had severe DT’S (severe alcohol withdrawal); I hadn’t eaten for weeks. I didn’t eat when I drank.

I would be starving, and I’d attempt a dinner and after a fork full or two, I just couldn’t eat it. I’d make every excuse known to man why I couldn’t eat, but the fact was my stomach had shut down and I wasn’t physically able to eat, I was literally wafer-thin, and my mind was gone at this stage.

Someone in Vincent’s gave me the number of AA. I heard of AA years before that because I was brought up in alcoholism. AA would get slagged off as bible bashers or something. I got to a meeting down in Finglas and everybody was lovely, all lovely, well dressed and obviously, they saw how 11

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

sick I was. It’s hard to remember that coz I was in such a f**kin state, they were so good and they just took me in. They were saying; you’ll be ok just keep coming back. Back then, I just thought I don’t know what’s going, but I felt instantly safe.

After being in the state I was in and coming through that life I came through, there was no part of me that wanted to run away. I just felt the energy they had; it was very, very, real. I was incredibly lucky. I just happened to meet this lovely bunch of people, so I kept going there for a little while and then I realised I was going 3 months; I couldn’t believe it 3 f**king months. That was the longest I was ever off any substances in my life, no hash, no drugs, nothing.

I kept going and then I got a sponsor, and she took me through the book and she was fantastic. I started to get a little bit of self–awareness, a little bit of, I wouldn’t say, liking myself that took a lot of years but like not having my head down. I remember meeting a girl I used to go to school with. If I saw people that I knew from years ago, I’d be putting my head down because I didn’t want to know anybody (if I was drunk, I’d talk to them all night).

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“If there was a message to be given it is that recovery is complete freedom of self, it’s complete freedom of the shame that keeps us locked in, because I think that anybody that is caught in addiction of any type, they are caught in a mind-set of that’s what they deserve.”

I kept going to meetings and I started getting into healthy activities. The first one I ever done was abseiling down the tower block. Oh my god, it was the best. Do you know what was great about that? The thing I was saying earlier about the guy that was violent, we lived in that tower and I abseiled past that window and I thought, oh my god, that is a turnaround in my life. The young woman that was in there that couldn’t hold her head up and here I am, abseiling down in front of a crowd of

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

people and not even thinking about what they are thinking.

It’s a slow process, it doesn’t happen overnight, but the process of recovery was happening for me in my mind. The substance, for me, is only a symptom of the problems. I ended up doing a parachute jump for charity and then another one with my son, who was seeing me doing all this healthy stuff and wanted to be a part of it. That’s the beauty of recovery; it seeps into the whole family. He also climbed Ben Nevis Mountain with me (the highest mountain in the British Isles). There was a time I couldn’t walk from my home to the shop and now I was climbing Ben Nevin! It was so unreal.

I ran a marathon a couple of years ago. I am swimming every day. I played golf. I am playing tennis.

Every now and again, I smile to myself, the little girl is still in me and it’s like she’s minded now, she’s looked after and she’s very loved.

It’s such a beautiful freedom; I am happy in that sense. Recovery for me is being free. I would have the crack with people when I was drunk and we would be talking about all sorts of stuff and then I would see them the next day and I would be saying ah jaysus because I would be full of

shame because I would be thinking it’s not ok to do that. Now I would talk about stuff that I wouldn’t have talked about when I was drunk because I have been freed of it.

If there was a message to be given, it is that recovery is complete freedom of self; it’s complete freedom of the shame that keeps us locked in because I think that anybody that is caught in addiction of any type they are caught in a mindset of that’s what they deserve. I thought I was sick because I deserved it, because I am drug-using and I’m drinking and I am smoking and I shouldn’t be doing that.

The other thing about recovery is that it wasn’t like since I came into recovery, my life got great. It took years for me to mend my relationship with my oldest son. He had had enough of me telling him I am stopping and this time I mean it and every time I did say it, I did mean it, but I didn’t know that every time I picked up, I was gone again. We have a great relationship now, but it took a few years for that to happen. It took a few years for my health to come around. I am still working on myself, my self-esteem and my self-worth.

That’s an ongoing thing because I was battered; I was f**king battered.

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6 of my 10 siblings have passed away since 2009. When my brothers and sisters passed away, I was devastated, but I didn’t drink and I didn’t take drugs and I rang people and I did what people had suggested to me.

This is not a pity me story; this is a hopeful story because I haven’t touched a drink or drug through all of that. I am not shut off, I haven’t been, I’ve grieved them and I am still grieving them and I will be grieving them forever.

“I hadn’t got into recovery I wouldn’t be seeing anything but the misery or the grey. If there was a message of hope it is that anybody can come through, this anybody can get recovery. I can’t speak highly enough about recovery I really can’t because it’s been such a turnaround for me” 14

Me being drunk, drugging, or having a relapse- all that’s going to do is kill me as well and I will be just another f**kin one that got caught in it. I think the reason I do all the outdoors physical things is because I have been blessed with recovery. I hadn’t got into recovery; I wouldn’t be seeing anything but the misery or the grey.

If there was a message of hope, it is that anybody can come through, this anybody can get recovery. I can’t speak highly enough about recovery.

I really can’t because it’s been such a turnaround for me. I am not claiming to be cured; there is no cure, only reprieve and that’s contingent on my desire to want to live as good a life as I can. I deserve it, and so does anyone who wants it. I am a world away from the tortured head I lived in when I was drinking. I’m doing a triathlon on Sunday and I’m dedicating it to my friend who passed while I was writing this. May you find peace and refuge, my beautiful friend.•

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

4 Dave’s Story “There is no shame in beginning again, for you get a chance to build bigger and better than before.”

-Leon brown I was born and reared in Ballymun, and I came from a respectable tight-knit family. I was a relatively latecomer to drink and drugs in comparison to a lot of young people from the community. I had my first drink with my friends at 19 years of age and it soon became a weekend thing, socialising with mates, drinking cans and going to pubs and clubs I enjoyed the buzz alcohol gave me, and in a relatively short time, it became part of my daily routine.

Drink was easy to get on tick at that time, so I didn’t need to revert to crime in order to feed my habit. I left

home around the age of 21. By 24 or 25 years of age, I was hooked on alcohol and I realised I had a drink problem. A few years later, I was introduced to heroin. I was drinking in a flat with friends who knocked out drugs. They were smoking ‘gear’ (heroin) and I asked if I could try it. Much like drink, I was taking it recreationally, but within a year, I was also hooked on ‘gear’. I used drink as a substitute when I couldn’t get drugs. By the age of 30, I was doing heroin on an almost daily basis and I was getting into crime to feed my habit.

During this time, my family were 15

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

“I realised that drink and drugs were taking a toll on my physical and mental health and that something had to give.”

-Dave

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

unaware of the severity of my drinking and ignorant to my drug-taking. My father passed away suddenly when I was 30 and I moved back to the family home. I continued to actively use and scheme and scam to get my next fix. Some family members had a suspicion that I was using drugs, but I was able to continue my drug use undetected until I was 37, when my family caught me using drugs in the bedroom.

“By the age of 30, I was doing heroin on an almost daily basis and I was getting into crime to feed my habit.”

My family were very supportive and within a week or two, I was on the methadone maintenance programme at the ‘Red Brick’(Methadone clinic). I still dabbled with heroin for a few years after I went on the ‘molly’ (methadone). I fell ill due to my alcohol use and was diagnosed as a diabetic. I realised that drink and drugs were taking a toll on my physical and mental health and that something had to give. I remember,

out of sheer desperation, turning to God to help me. I fell ill again and this was my turning point. Shortly after getting out of hospital, I linked in with a local rehab programme.

Within a few years, I began my methadone detox, going into The Lantern for my last 10mls. This was more of a psychological thing to prepare myself, knowing that drugs would always be there in the community and elsewhere

“I want to appeal to all those people who are struggling with their drug use and feeling that there is no way out, to reach out, and to use available supports both locally and nationally, but more importantly do it for yourself.”

I now have my life back on track and I am drug-free approximately 3 years.

Despite the fact that my community is akin to a drugs supermarket, I 17

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

am confident and committed to remaining drug-free. I want to appeal to all those people who are struggling with their drug use and feeling that there is no way out, to reach out and to use available supports both locally and nationally, but more importantly, do it for yourself. What I have learnt is that drugs and drink are a symptom of a wider problem in Ballymun. I learned in rehabilitation; I could not do it for my mother, partner, brother and sister. I had to do it for myself. I also realised in recovery that I had a choice. I had made some bad choices over the years, and the choice I make today is to stay drug-free. •

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

5 Debbie’s Story “It’s gonna get harder before it gets easier, but it will get better, you just gotta make it through the hard stuff first.”

-Anonymous I am delighted to be able to share My Mam and Dad done the best my recovery journey with you and with what they had. From my own hopefully, it will reach someone or childhood experiences, living in that even inspire some hope. environment wasn’t the greatest start and my attitude towards alcohol was I am originally from Ballymun, where that I would never drink myself.

I was born and raised. I have fond memories of Ballymun and it always Growing up, I loved school and had a great sense of community. I am I was always eager to learn. I had the eldest of four children and my dreams of becoming an actress and mam and dad separated when I was a my plan was to finish school and go teen. I spent a lot of time with my gran on to college. After primary school, and grandad as home life wasn’t great I went into secondary and whatever with alcohol and domestic violence a happened, I started to act out in class regular occurrence. The time spent in and ditch school. It was then that I my granny and grandads was today, I started drinking and peer pressure believe, my saving grace. It gave me didn’t help. Alcohol made me feel a place to feel safe and protected. like everything was ok and all the 19

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

“I was willing to do something as opposed to seeing myself as a victim of my environment or misfortune” -Debbie

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

fear I was carrying around with me was gone. I was no longer worried, which I spent most of my time doing.

Today through hindsight, I firmly believe that my addiction to heroin was trauma induced.

Following the alcohol, which was every weekend, came cannabis, ecstasy and cocaine. I would do this regularly at weekends and that went on for few years. This recreational use of drugs became the norm. My gran died when I was 17. At the same time, my brother was now strung out on heroin along with 3 of my cousin’s (2 of these are now dead due to overdose). I hated that they took heroin and my attitude to that was like my attitude towards alcohol, but I found myself taking it anyway, convincing myself I was only going to take it one time; what was all the fuss about. Today through hindsight, I firmly believe that my addiction to heroin was trauma-induced.

I became completely dependent on the substance. My journey with drugs went on for several years, over 20, in

fact. It was a miserable 20 years and I became broken not just externally but most importantly, internally. I always thought I would go to college, meet a partner and travel the world.

I had big dreams for myself, but all that was smashed.

I tried several times to get clean and change my life. Each time I tried it, I would say to myself just one more time and then I will stop. Each time I ended up back at square one. I was on heroin, crack, methadone and this led me to hostels, clinics, treatment centres, psychiatrists and the list goes on. I could go on all day about the misery, hopelessness and loneliness, but I try not to focus on that.

The bottom line is I never gained anything, I just lost everything.

I could go on all day about the misery, hopelessness and loneliness, but I try not to focus on that.

The bottom line is I never gained anything. I just lost everything.

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Finally, about 7 years ago, I had enough for the last time. I was living with a partner for a few years and we were both on the miserable merry go round of using, finding ways and means to get drugs and generally just living in chaos. My mind was louder than before. No matter how much drugs I took, I couldn’t escape the thoughts of a better life. The drugs had stopped numbing the pain. It wasn’t getting easier; it was just getting worse. I spent my time thinking about ways to take my own life.

No matter how much drugs I took I couldn’t escape the thoughts of a better life. The drugs had stopped numbing the pain. It wasn’t getting easier; it was just getting worse.

My brother and sister had both got into recovery and both had good lives, jobs, families, all the stuff I’d been dreaming about. Without realising it, they were what attracted me to recovery. I knew if they could do it, then so could I. I just didn’t 22

know-how. I finally reached out to a family member who kindly took me into her home and allowed me to stay there for as long as I needed.

I am fortunate to have, as I said, some family in recovery who rallied around me and directed me to different places to get help. They were always in the background, but now I was willing to do something as opposed to seeing myself as a victim of my environment or misfortunes.

I started a day programme and while I was there, I planned with a key worker how I was going to get stable and eventually get clean. I followed it for the most part with a few slips from time to time. It took me 17 months to get stable and reduce my use. It was a slow process, and in it, I got healthy and stable. In this day programme, I was introduced to meetings and I began to go regularly.

I saw a lot of people, some who I knew from active addiction and they had completely changed. They were happy and looked free. They had jobs and partners. They travelled to different countries. This was the life I wanted and I was going to get it.

So, I did. I eventually got into a detox bed and got clean from all substances. I went on to further

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

residential treatment for 3 months.

I continued to a recovery house and did a follow-up day programme.

These were all necessary steps for me to take to keep my focus on the end game, to stay clean and get a life I always wanted.

“I have grown up in recovery. I have good relationships with my family members and a small circle of good friends. I have learned to have healthy boundaries and I value myself today.”

When I finished up in the day programme, I got a part-time job and I applied to go back to college to get an education as I truly believe that education is the way forward. It is something I always said I would go back to do and I did. I am in my final year of an honours degree. That is a huge achievement for me and where I have come from. I have grown up in recovery. I have good relationships with my family members and a small circle of good friends. I have learned to have healthy boundaries and I

value myself today. I walked around with my head down for years. I don’t do that today. Instead, I hold my head high and I’m proud of who I am. I know what I bring to the table and I am always happy to help someone else.

I have everything I wanted when I was younger and more. I have my own home, a loving partner and a job. I have a good life because I made a choice to put the action and hard work into getting clean, working on myself through counselling and meetings and helping others. I hope that this story inspires someone who is in the same hopeless place I lived in for way too long. The message is you can recover and you will, but it starts with the decision to stop and continues with action. Go get it! •

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“Now I’m giving my recovery 110% and that’s what I’m getting back.”

-Kevin

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6 Kevin’s Story “Recovery is not for people who need it, it’s for people who want it”.

-Anonymous I’m just going to give you a quick introduction into what it was like growing up and getting involved in drugs and stuff. I come from Ballymun and I come from a broken family, so my mother reared us. She was both Ma and Da. At an early age, about 12 or something, I started drinking then I started to smoke and then I started smoking hash as well. I got a good feeling every time I drank and smoked hash. It was like I got a feeling that I belonged or that I was part of something. Even though that was just experimenting, it quickly escalated from a Saturday night thing into a Friday to Sunday thing. Obviously, I did anything just

to get the few quid up, probably even robbed me Ma’s money just to get what I really needed. Before I knew it, it was a problem, experimenting stages stopped and it became a problem.

I started going to raves and taking ecstasy, then speed and magic mushrooms. I’d find anything that I could escape from. It always felt like there was something missing and at the time, I thought that’s what it was, I was just filling a void. I was taking E (ecstasy) constantly every weekend. Then I got introduced to coke(cocaine), sniffing coke. I really did not get hooked on coke; to me it 25

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

was a rich man’s drug. But I smoked hash(cannabis) constantly every day and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. I just used to convince myself that all it did was relax me. I remember there was a drought on early in the 90s and you couldn’t get hash anywhere. I was in a flat in Ballymun and there was a girl there smoking heroin. I used to look at it as a nasty drug. She was sitting there and she says to me “can you not get your hash anywhere” and I said “no” and she said “why don’t you try this, one line is like smoking a joint”. I said “no” and I left the flat and went out looking for hash but I couldn’t get any and later that night I was back at the flat and the girl was still there.

She said, “you might as well just try it, it’s just like smoking hash”. I was like ah f**k it, so I started smoking it, and then that was it. You hear about people saying once you smoke “gear” you’re hooked and I was one of those people.

I just loved it and at the time I really didn’t see anything wrong with it. I kind of defended it. I was smoking every day, smoking heroin every day in tinfoil. It wasn’t long before I was taking it intravenously, injecting it and that was every day too. It got to the stage I had to sell it to be able to take it. To take the amount I was 26

taking wasn’t nice.

“So even though everything was great, as in I completed detox, I completed aftercare, but I did it for the wrong reasons.

I didn’t do it for me”

I was looking for the escape and I didn’t realise how quickly it was going to be a problem. I ended up being locked up a few times. I ended up on the streets homeless. I used to sleep at the back of a loading bay at the Ilac Centre. I was there for 2 years, and I just couldn’t see any other way. But it’s mad in some ways. I was comfortable. I had family I could have gone to. I could have gone to my Ma’s, but I just got comfortable in it.

Pride got in the way and I didn’t realise how quickly it was going to escalate. Then I was introduced to crack cocaine. As soon as I did it I wanted more and more, one was never enough. I was bad on the crack and it went on for a number of years.

I went to the clinic in Ballymun to come off the heroin, a methadone clinic. I was at that clinic for a good

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

15 years, which I believe now there was no need for it. However, it served its purpose. At the time, I was on the maintenance programme and they had me on 120 mls of methadone.

Then I decided I wanted to change, I wanted to have a few kids so I decided to reduce myself down off the methadone. I got stable first on it. I tried to stop smoking the heroin and injecting and smoking crack and stop all the tablets I was on. I was on antidepressants, relaxers, sleepers and all sorts of bleedin’ tablets. I eventually got into treatment and got down to 50 mls. I remember the first time I went into treatment, I was coming off everything and I got a phone call in treatment that my best friend and cousin was after hanging himself. I was halfway through my detox and I decided to leave.

“To take the amount I was taking wasn’t nice. I was looking for the escape and I didn’t realise how quickly it was going to be a problem.”

The staff in Cuan Dara(Inpatient therapeutic detoxification centre) asked me not to leave, they even

offered to bring me to the funeral, but I wanted to leave. I left anyway.

I went back on the stuff straight after the funeral. I was lucky enough to get back into Cuan Dara 7 weeks later. I was actually only the fourth person in there to come off suboxone(used to treat dependence on opioid drugs). I completed the detox.

From there, I went to Keltoi(Substance Misuse and Trauma Residential Treatment Centre), which is an aftercare place and I stayed there for another 8 weeks. 2 of the lads I met in Cuan Dara went to Keltoi with me for the 8 weeks.

We got on great. Everything was good. We were having belly laughs, something I hadn’t experienced before. Loads of emotions and feelings were coming back and I didn’t know what was going on. I was like an emotional wreck. I didn’t realise that I suppressed everything from an early age taking drugs. I had to start experiencing all this stuff at a later age. I was going to meetings, seeing my counsellor and doing aftercare. Everything was going great and I thought jeez this is great but I didn’t realise that when I went into treatment after I came off the suboxone. I brought loads of photographs of my kids, put them on 27

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

my wall over my bed. I kept saying to myself I’m going to do it for them, I want better for them. I want them to have a good life, I want them to have the life I didn’t have. I didn’t realise at the time that they were the wrong reasons. When I was finished all my treatment, I remember I was 6 months drug free and I was in the car with the two lads I was in treatment. All three of us were drug free 6 months and life was great. I remember driving down the road and I’m sitting in the back of the car and one of the lads said “wouldn’t it be great to have one more” and my stomach was like a washing machine in the back of the car. My head was saying tell them to stop the car and get the f**k out and the words that came out of my mouth was “well, if you are, I am”.

Before we knew it, we were sitting on Dollymount beach in the car smoking heroin. As I was smoking it, I was crying into it. I kept saying to myself, that’s it, I’m f**ked. I can’t do this now, not after doing treatment and doing a detox. Not after doing talks, not after my family telling me how good I’m doing and how well I looked and how proud my kids were of me. I just felt like I’d let everyone down and myself down. I couldn’t believe it. The other lads that day 28

kept saying, “you’ll be grand, you’ll be grand, just don’t do anything else tomorrow”. I started laughing and said to them, “I’m an addict.

There’s no such thing as not doing it tomorrow”.

I was full-on for 3 weeks, back trying everything again. Then I decided that’s it. I have had enough after doing treatment and detox and everything, aftercare, counselling and nothing worked. I realised that was my rock bottom. I was hitting rock bottom. When I went to treatment the previous time and completed everything and had 6 months drugfree, I did it for all the wrong reasons.

I had never hit rock bottom before.

So even though everything was great, as in I completed detox, I completed aftercare, but I did it for the wrong reasons. I didn’t do it for me, I did it for my kids or my family, whatever the case maybe, and it never worked that way.

You have to do it for you, you have to want to do it for you and I learnt that the hard way. I remember deciding I am going, I’m checking out, I don’t belong in this world, there’s nothing here for me. I was contemplating the best way to go. My best friend hung himself and I was thinking yeah, I could easily do that. Then

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

I was thinking who was going to find me. I had another cousin who swallowed a lot of heart tablets and I was thinking I could do that.

Then knowing my luck, I’d end up in the Mater Hospital after getting pumped out, so that wouldn’t work.

Then I had another cousin who shot himself, so I was thinking of that.

This is how messed up my head was, that is where my head was at. What was I thinking? I had decided the way I was going to do it and just at that point where I was ready to end my life, my daughter, who was only 2 years old, woke up and screamed the apartment down. I remember thinking, what the f**k. I went into her room and looked into the cot and the tears were flying out of her eyes.

I could just feel tears dripping out of my eyes and I was saying to myself, this is not about me anymore; this is about them. It was like a realisation.

I sat up with her the rest of the night and early the next morning.

I rang a fellow I knew from the fellowship and he told me to go into town and get a meeting. I left the house and went into town, but there was no meeting on. I rang the chap back. He said there’s a little chapel on the quays; go in and sit with yourself for an hour until the meeting is due to start. I’m not a big churchgoer

or anything and I said to him, “I’m not going into a church”. He said, “what do you have to lose”, just go in and sit at the back of it, just sit with yourself for the hour. So I was like f**k it what do I have to lose, so I went into the church. The priest was up on the altar doing his thing, loads of people around. I remember walking straight in and walking right up to the altar. I’m sure the priest was looking at me and thinking, what the hell. I dropped to my knees, and I was roaring, “If there’s anyone there, cuz, anyone, please help me, I can’t do this”. I remember getting up and walking out of that chapel, walking around to O’Connell street.

“There is an alternative, another way. I always say to everybody what you put into it you’re going to get out of it.”

I went into Supermacs and ordered a cappuccino and sat at the window.

I was in floods of tears and couldn’t control it. The only thing going through my head was I’m actually powerless over my addiction and I just kept repeating that in my head.

It was like a light bulb moment and I 29

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

believe today that was my acceptance.

I accepted that I was powerless over my addiction. The meetings I used to go to, NA(Narcotics Anonymous) at the time, there wasn’t a meeting on at that time, but thankfully there was an AA one on that night which I attended. I opened up about where my head was at and I met good people, very good people, who became great friends. I went to an AA meeting every morning and every night for the next 3 and a half years, because that is what I needed. I went through withdrawal symptoms in the meetings. I didn’t go back to treatment, I just did it through the meetings and with the support and help of other people. I haven’t looked back since, which is great.

On May 13th 2021, I was 10 years drug and drink free. It’s gas because I used to live on the streets for 2 years living behind the Ilac Centre and now I’m around the corner at the G.P.O.(General Post Office) feeding the homeless. I’m one of the founders of our soup run. I’ve been doing that for the last 4 and a half to 5 years, every Tuesday and Wednesday nights.

I went back to college, jeez I would have burnt my Ma’s house, our flat in Shangan, down to leave school at 14.

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The first time I went to college was to become a fitness instructor and personal trainer to follow on from the course I did in Ballymun, a fitness and education programme. That was the first course I ever completed in my life. I then went on to do the fitness instructor and P.T. (personal trainer) training. I’m qualified in that and then I decided I’ll keep going and I went to U.C.D. (University College Dublin) and did a Diploma in Drug and Alcohol Work. I passed that as well. I lost everything when I was on drugs. I got banned from driving. I had no life with my kids.

Now I have a great relationship with all my kids. I’m a Granddad.

I have a grandchild of 3 years and I have a great relationship with her.

I’m back driving and I’m working full time in the community where I grew up. I’m actually working on the same street. Life is good. There is an alternative, another way. I always say to everybody what you put into it, you’re going to get out of it. I used to give my addiction years 100% and that’s what I got out of it. Now I’m giving my recovery 110% and that’s what I’m getting back. That’s just a brief snippet of my life of growing up in addiction. I hope somebody gets something from it. •

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

7 Kieron’s Story “Recovery is something that you have to work on every single day and it’s something that doesn’t get a day off.”

-Demi Lovato I grew up in Ballymun. I was the oldest of 7 and I still live here today.

Ballymun is my home. We did not have much in our house, but we never had to starve. Food was always on our table, and my parents did their very best. I grew up and loved football.

I always had a dream of playing for Liverpool. As a kid walking around, you would always see me with a football.

I just loved playing and would stay out very late, scruffy dirty and playing in muck and having loads of fun. It was always about winning. I hated losing. I played in Croke Park and won on a few occasions. I played

with lots of great clubs in Ballymun.

I was always afraid growing up. I walked around full of fear and I was a very insecure child and I was always comparing myself to others. I wanted what other people had.

I started drinking and taking solvents from about the age of 11. I knew it was wrong, but the fear of getting into trouble never stopped me. I was always in trouble at school.

I was always looking for attention and I wanted to be noticed all the time. I started smoking hash and going to discos on a Saturday night.

I never had any confidence around women, but when I was drunk, I 31

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

“Recovery has helped me growup and become the person I was meant to be.”

- Kieron

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could talk to anyone. I got expelled from school when I was 16 and got put on a training course. I used to get £27 a week and that would be my drinking money for the weekend.

I had some really great memories of those weekends and I would not change a minute of it. However, I would be obsessed with getting from Monday to Friday so that I could get drunk all weekend. I didn’t just drink to be sociable. I drank to get out of my head.

“I started drinking and taking solvents from about the age of 11. I knew it was wrong but the fear of getting into trouble never stopped me.”

I started going to raves and taking acid(LSD). I did not like it and eventually started taking ecstasy.

Every time I took an E, I always thought I was going to die. A lot of people were dying from taking them, but it never stopped me. I continued to take them. Then I ended up back at a house party and heroin was introduced. I started to get curious about this and eventually, I tried it.

The first time I took it, I hated it. I got really sick. But it did something to me and I tried it again, even though growing up in Ballymun, I saw a lot of people destroyed by drugs. I thought I knew better and that I was smarter than them. I learned the hard way that I was never in control, the drugs controlled me. I had no choice. It was bringing me to places I swore I’d never go. It took all my values, robbed me of my relationships, and my soul was destroyed. All these dreams I had as a child were gone. I ended up on a maintenance programme and that made me worse. I had a heroin problem and a methadone problem, too, that lasted 20 years. I got into a drug relationship and I had two kids born into addiction. I still carry that with me to this day.

My life never got any better; it got worse. I was a lone wolf going around and could not look people in the eye, looking full of shame but somewhere inside me, I knew there was more to life than the way I was living. In 2010 I just wanted to die. I could not take it anymore. So, I asked people for help and I ended up in treatment for the first time after 20 years of drug addiction. I thought it was about just getting off the drugs. I hadn’t got a clue. I’d no life skills, all I knew was how to take drugs and even at that, 33

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I was useless. I had 2 kids. I did not know how to be a father. Drugs took everything from me. Getting off the drugs after so long was like being a baby and learning to live again. When I got out of treatment, I started to drink again, and it was not too long till I was back to what I knew best. It brought me back worse than ever.

“I learned the hard way that I was never in control, the drugs controlled me. I had no choice. It was bringing me to places I swore I’d never go.

It took all my values, robbed me of my relationships, and my soul was destroyed.”

It was horrific. No matter how much drugs I took, I could not leave my house. The paranoia, the fear, the anxiety, and all the guilt. I had mended relationships but threw them back in people’s faces. My kids lost a father again. I ended up back in a treatment centre and I was like, “how am I back here”? It was not 34

about talking anymore; it was about listening to people who went before me and trying to put everything into recovery because I knew nothing. All I knew was to go back using. When I left treatment, I did a day programme and went to the 12-step fellowship. I started to be a father, and I wanted recovery. It felt good to be clean.

I got bad news about my mother. She had cancer and only had a few months to live. It was really hard, but I did not have to use. I had lots of support.

I got to be a brother at that time and my family relied on me, even though I felt really alone most of the time. I got through all that. My mother is with me today, watching over me. I used it again a few months later and ended up at a 12-step meeting(a set of guiding principles outlining a course of action for addiction recovery).

I just cried out in that meeting and said, “I need help”, because I knew I would die if I carried on. I wanted to be clean. I wanted what other people had. I gave myself to the programme which I am still part of today, 8 years later. I have custody of my 2 children and I am also in a loving relationship and have another beautiful child.

My kids depend on me today. I have a full-time job and I am employable today. I do my best every day in life. I

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

was given another chance and today, my job is to give to other people.

Miracles happen. I am proof of it.

Drink and drugs are fun at the start, but through my experience, they turn on you and become your enemy.

Recovery has helped me grow up and become the person I was meant to be.•

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“In my mind and in my appearance, I didn’t quite fit the stereotype of an addict.”

-Eileen

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8 Eileen’s Story I am not defined by my relapses, but by my decision to remain in recovery despite them.

-Anonymous I grew up in Ballymun. We moved around Ballymun a lot when I was a child. When I was in 6th class in the Holy Spirit, we moved abroad for three years and that was a big change for me because it was like I was trying to fit in straight away when I got over there. That’s when I would have tried marijuana(weed). I didn’t like it, I hated it, but I still did it because I just wanted to be accepted. 3 years later, we returned to Ballymun, and I tried to fit back in again.

I started palling around with people that were drinking on the blocks.

Drugs really didn’t come into it until I was about 16 or 17 when I started

taking E’s and going to raves and that kind of stuff.

When I was 19 years old, I first tried cocaine, and I thought this is it! I can drink more, party more, party harder.

It was nearly okay to take cocaine because it was the new drug then.

I had easy access to drugs, I could literally get drugs when I wanted and that would have been every weekend.

In my head, it was all glamorous. It was a party lifestyle, getting dressed up the fake hair, fake nails and going out to nightclubs. There was something very glamorous about it, staying in fancy hotels drinking champagne. It quickly changed from 37

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

something glamorous to sitting in the house in my pyjamas, messy hair bun in my head. The going out, the partying lifestyle had left, but I was still partying.

“My mind used to suffer terribly because I’d go three days on a binge and after the session was over, I’d start feeling suicidal. I felt shit.”

My mind used to suffer terribly because I’d go 3 days on a binge and after the session was over, I’d start feeling suicidal. I felt shit. I couldn’t look people in the eye. It was like, what am I after doing? Who did I upset?

What did I do on somebody? I’d kind of go into a morbid depression Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and it would be Thursday before I would start to feel alright again. I would say to myself that I wasn’t that bad and by Friday, I was out doing the same thing again. During this time, I lost a lot of good jobs. I also lost the respect of a lot of people because of my behaviour. I was like a different person when I drank and used drugs.

I didn’t care about anybody. It was all 38

about me. I left my son with my mam and I’d say I swear I’m only going out for 4 drinks and then I will be home.

At that time, I meant it. I really do think I meant it because, at the time, I just wanted to be out, but every time I’d use drugs.

I went to FAST(Finglas Addiction Support Team) in Finglas because my mam was saying to me you need to get yourself sorted. I went there for a little while. It was strange because my mind always told me I was not an addict because I had a job, I had a car, I had a house, so I couldn’t be an addict. For me, addicts were the people you seen on the street tapping for money, or the alcoholics are the ones you see drinking out of a brown paper bag. In my mind and in my appearance, I didn’t quite fit the stereotype of an addict. Having convinced myself, I wasn’t an addict, I returned to my old ways. But this time, there was no fun in it. I would be sitting with people I’d have no business sitting with, like other users, literally anybody with the notion of just don’t let the party end.

Even in work, I’d be talking to people, and they were saying, oh, you were on the bag. It’s like if you went into work and you said, I am just after smoking heroin all weekend

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

or I’m just after smoking crack all weekend, they are going to say you’ve a drug problem. But if I go in and say I’m after taking coke all weekend, they’d be saying, oh, you mad thing. It’s really socially acceptable for you to take cocaine. There was never any judgement with friends or work colleagues. Obviously, with my parents, it was different. I was starting to realise that I was dragging my son down. At this stage, he was 15 and he would see Mammy going out at the weekend making a show of herself and sleeping all week.

“I was like a different person when I drank and used drugs. I didn’t care about anybody. It was all about me.”

Things got so bad I had a suicide attempt when I was 35 because I just didn’t know what else do. I remember doing a Google search with the words “am I an addict” and it was coming up. If you’ve answered yes to more than 5 of these questions, you probably are an addict. I was like f**k, what does f**king Google

know? My family didn’t know everything because I didn’t want to believe that I had an issue with drink and drugs. Even now, if I am talking to somebody from around Ballymun, they’d say, but you weren’t that bad.

That tells me that a lot of people still aren’t aware of addiction and all the bad stuff it brings with it.

I reached that breaking point and I think everybody needs to reach that point to really recover.

Some people think you have to use drugs every day to be an addict.

If you use at the weekend, you are grand. If you lose good friends for stuff you have done, it’s grand. If you drink and drive, it’s grand. It’s nearly okay because from the outside, you still may look like you have your sh*t together, but on the inside, I was dying. I ended up being taken into Vincent’s Hospital at that time and I swore in the hospital, that’s it! I can’t do this anymore. I’m not going to drink or do drugs again.

I used to go to one meeting every week, and I linked in with BYAP (Ballymun Youth Action Project). I 39

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

found BYAP very good, so I regularly linked in with them. I was doing a Smart Recovery programme with them once a week. When I came out of the hospital, I was literally going to the opening of an envelope. I was trying everything because I said to myself I need to get this sorted and I really thought if I could just stop taking the cocaine that I would be able to sit and have 4 drinks. When I say I’m going out for the 4 drinks, I really thought I could do that. I said I’ll do it for 9 months and then I was doing so well I cut it down to 6 months.

For the whole 6 months, I was obsessed about drinking, thinking I’m going to have a low alcohol wine.

I really thought I could do this. I would go through the off licence, looking at the wine, saying I can have that in 6 months’ time. I still didn’t think I had a problem with alcohol.

I still thought that if I took the other substance away that everything was going to be okay.

I quickly learnt that wasn’t the case because when my 6 months were up, I went into the off licence. The drink was 4% alcohol. I thought I better buy 3 of them, so there’s the alcoholic coming straight into play, but yet I still didn’t think I had an issue.

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“This is something I have fought really hard for and I’m not willing to give it up for anybody.”

I went back out drinking and I went into it deeper. Things that I never thought would happen happened.

My life was chaos again and I was saying, ‘how am I here again? How has this happened?’ I went to a 12-step meeting and I remember looking at the 12 steps saying, who do I need to apologise to? I haven’t actually done wrong to anybody. I wrote out my own 12 steps and it was like only have 6 beers, don’t drink and drive and god love me. I thought this was going to cure me. I thought if I just read my own 12 steps, that I was going to be able to go out and have 6 bottles of beer and go home.

Yeah, you know that obviously didn’t work.

April 2019 was a turning point for me, I’m nearly 2 and a half years drug and substance-free now. I reached that breaking point and I think everybody needs to reach that point to really recover. You need to be completely broken; you need to

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

get rid of all the self-doubt. I know I have to be completely abstinent from everything because I know if I have a low alcohol beer or a low alcohol wine, it’s will quickly lead me down the same path. My experience has shown me that if I use a substance, I will overuse it.

Today I work the 12-step programme.

I’m in CA(Cocaine Anonymous) and I still link in with BYAP in Ballymun. I also recently started doing psychotherapy with them. I didn’t go to treatment as I felt my body wasn’t physically addicted to a drug. It was my mind that I suffered with. I actually moved in with my Mam instead of going into rehab.

I busy myself and continue using all the tools that I had picked up in Smart Recovery and in the 12-step programme. While today is not my best day, you know what, it’s a hell of a lot better than what it was 2 and a half years ago. In the round, my life is good. I keep good people around me.

I don’t need to surround myself with people that I would have used with.

People I previously thought that I just couldn’t cut out of my life, well yes, I can, like snip, snip. This is something I have fought really hard for and I’m not willing to give it up for anybody. My advice to anybody

that is struggling with their drug or alcohol use is don’t let the stereotype of a drug user fool you into believing you don’t have a problem. I sat in meetings and said I was never homeless; I’m not like these people. I never sold myself; I’m not like these people. If you’re sitting in a meeting, you know there’s a problem. You know there’s an issue. You know, if you’re linking in with supports around Ballymun, you know there’s an issue. My advice would be to use the services that are there, keep your group small and cut out your using people.

”I’m a present mother and a present daughter who has a life to look forward to free from drink and drugs.”

My son is 17 now and he doesn’t need to worry about me anymore. When I say to my son I’m going to a meeting or I’m going training, he says, “okay, enjoy.” Before, when I was using, he’d be full of anxiety, thinking will she come home?, what’s going to happen?, and who’s she going to take home with her?. My mother and 41

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

father don’t have to worry about me.

I can walk around Ballymun with my head held high because I don’t do harm to anybody.

I don’t maliciously go out to do or cause harm to anybody, so that’s what recovery has given me, the opportunity and confidence to hold my head up high again instead of walking with my head down.

I’m a present mother and a present daughter who has a life to look forward to free from drink and drugs.•

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

9 Philip’s Story “Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.”

- Robert Collier I am a recovering addict and I am grateful for this opportunity to tell you a little bit about my journey of recovery. I was in and out of recovery for 17 years. I was born and grew up in Ballymun. I was a middle child and I was always seeking love and attention because one brother got the praise and the other brother got the attention and I was always seeking it and it did not happen. My first addiction was my mind and I still identify with that today. It is our mind that creates the problem.

I grew up in a violent home. My Mother was an alcoholic and my Da was the worker and eventually,

I didn’t feel that I belonged or was part of that family. I had to separate myself from my Mother. I found refuge on the street corner with the lads. I felt comfortable there more than anything. The lads were a lot older than me. I was only 12 and they were in their teens or twenties. It was not long before I started running riot in the community. That is where I went to; that’s where I sought my refuge at the time.

My Mother left us, left my Da to raise me and my brothers, we were all very young. He had to go and work, and we had to get up and go to school, but I didn’t go to school.

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

“I blamed everyone else bar myself. Through my addiction, I was like a tornado through people’s lives and I couldn’t see it.”

-Philip

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Instead, I went to the streets and I got into alcohol, criminality and I started testing the waters.

Eventually, the E scene came around.

I did the gargling thing, but I didn’t like it. I wasn’t a drinker. I didn’t like the taste of it and also because I had seen the family dynamics that were created with alcoholism. I moved on to something else - E’s and hash.

I was bouncing in and out of the rave scene. By then, I was a young lad of 16 or 17 and I would see the lads smoking. I thought it was a joint, but low and behold; I realised it was heroin and I tried it, but I didn’t like it. I heard about methadone; it was brown Phy at the time; that’s how long ago it was.

When I took my first sup of methadone, my first thought was - I have arrived! I got that ease and comfort through methadone that I was looking for all my life. It made me the type of person I thought I was. It gave me confidence and self-belief. It allowed me to interact with people that I thought I couldn’t previously interact with because of that middle child syndrome that I carried that with me all my life. My relationship with methadone escalated to the point where I had to go to my Da and tell him about my use of methadone

at the age of 16. He broke down and we had to go up to Domville House(HSE Methadone Clinic) and sign a form to put me on what was the young smoker’s programme at the time with a doctor. 12 years later, I was still on that methadone and not a tooth in my head going into recovery.

“I found refuge on the street corner with the lads. I felt comfortable there more than anything.”

At this point I was homeless and involved in everything that comes with it, the criminality. I was in and out of prison. I did 6 stints in Cuan Dara from the age of 21 to 28 before I finally got it. I went in for other people, I didn’t go in for myself. To be honest, I went in to keep people happy to have them off my back. It was a rest period to put on a bit of weight. Eventually, the penny dropped when I was in my late twenties and I was sitting in a homeless shelter on my own and I was contemplating suicide, looking for a way out. I was in and out of meetings, but the penny didn’t drop then. Eventually, I said to myself; I 45

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

have no one around me. My family was gone, so I went to a very good woman that looked after me all my life in Ballymun. She was like a mother to me and she said to me, “What do you really want in life”?

She sat me down and for the first time in my life, I really looked at myself and asked myself, “am I worth it”? Self-belief began to come into play.

At this point I was homeless and involved in everything that comes with it, the criminality. I was in and out of prison. I did 6 stints in Cuan Dara from the age of 21 to 28 before I finally got it. I went in for other people, I didn’t go in for myself.

I decided to give recovery a shot. I was 28 and it was hard work and a hard struggle. It took me 18 months to detox just to get to the required 46

dose to go into treatment because I was taking so much methadone. I was at the highest dose in the clinic, yet I was coming outside and buying 500mls a day. That’s how bad my drug use had escalated to and I didn’t see a difference in it because I didn’t believe I was an addict because methadone was prescribed. I didn’t use intravenously and I didn’t smoke “gear”, so I didn’t see myself as an addict.

Eventually, I went to Cuan Dara for the 8th time at 28 and I decided to go to rehab treatment, something I never did. I now believe that rehab is the most important part of your recovery. In detox, you are just drawn out, you are left vulnerable and you are thrown back out to society. That was the biggest mistake I had made in the 7 times previous to that. I got the opportunity to go to Keltoi and I looked at myself, really looked at myself. Eventually, my family started coming up to me, and they told me a few home truths.

Before this, I blamed everyone else bar myself. Through my addiction, I was like a tornado through people’s lives and I couldn’t see it. It’s that boomerang effect; it came back to bite me all the time.

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

“The fellowship is my family today. When I first came in to the fellowship I had nothing but a bag on my back. It’s not like that today. I have a beautiful apartment; I have my child back in my life and I am back in my own community, and I am giving back in my own community and that’s all I want.”

On the 8th time, I went to Keltoi, and I did a 2-year aftercare programme. I really, really, got stuck in. I really gave myself the opportunity this time around. I finished the 2 year aftercare programme but most importantly, within that – I looked at myself. The inner child sort of stuff. That little boy was nurtured for once in his life because I was 28, living with a 12 year old boy mindset. I didn’t have the concept of growing up, but now,

I had to grow up. I was 28 years of age and I did a lot of healing and a lot of forgiving. I had to forgive myself, which is the most important thing for me today. Yes I had found a solution and I needed a solution in recovery because my way didn’t work. I found that through the 12 step programme in CA. It’s based on the ‘Big Book’ of Alcoholics Anonymous. It tells you in the introduction that it doesn’t matter what you use or how you used it. I thought that because I didn’t drink alcohol, why would I use the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous but I can say now it saved my life. I developed an understanding and I am not afraid to say that today, I go down on my hands and knees and I pray. I look out for the newcomer because the steps are about helping other people and that’s laid my foundation.

Unfortunately and regrettably, I eventually separated myself from the fellowship because I thought I was cured. That came spiralling down on me because I was going through relationship problems and my father had dementia and I became his primary carer. I was trying to do all these things on my own – my mind was rampant, mental and I eventually got struck down with a serious illness myself and I had to go 47

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

in for an operation.

The ‘Book’ talks about the doctor, the doctor’s opinion and I blamed that doctor because he told me 6 weeks previous to the operation that I would have to go on painkillers. My mind went straight away to 6 weeks down the line and I knew I was going to use. I was going along about my business and when it came to the operation, I was broken and he put me on painkillers and the moment I took that painkiller, it just brought me back to that methadone era.

I was going through a lot of stuff at the time. It gave me that shield that I needed, the armour. Instead of reaching out because that’s all I had to do - was reach out to other people in recovery but my mind separated me because I was so long clean. Before I knew it, I was going to chemists buying painkillers. I became reliant on 4 or 5 boxes of these a day.

That lasted for 18 months. I had relapsed and I lost my family again.

Everything I had built up in recovery but it made me the person I am today. I am 2 years sober today. I pray every day, I meditate, I reach out to newcomers and I go to meetings. The fellowship is my family today. When I first came into the fellowship I had 48

nothing but a bag on my back. It’s not like that today. I have a beautiful apartment; I have my child back in my life and I am back in my own community and I am giving back in my own community and that’s all I want. I love giving back to my community because I had ransacked this community. I had blamed my Mother for my addiction. I got the opportunity to go back and apologise to my Mum because I knew she was an addict. I now had that concept of compassion because I know what an addict does to survive addiction.

My Mum was an addict just like myself, so I forgive her today, but I only got a short time with my Mum because she passed away, but I got the best 6 months of my life with her.

“For anyone that is struggling with drug use today I would say to you to reach out.

I understand that it’s hard to reach out, but there are resources and people in the community who want to help”

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Recovery is beautiful at times, but it can also be hard. I try to keep life simple that’s the reality of it. Prayer and meditation and I can’t emphasise how much the meetings mean to me.

Helping the newcomer is important because without the 12-step programme, I would still be on the streets. It took another addict to find me on the street corner over 2 and a half years ago to bring me back to meetings and I am really grateful to that person. I keep in regular contact with him.

and after; they really helped me out.

I love giving back to the community, it’s also very rewarding. Life at the moment is good. I hope that my story can inspire others and my advice to those that are struggling in your drug use is to just reach out. •

For anyone that is struggling with drug use today, I would say to you to reach out. I understand that it’s hard to reach out, but there are resources and people in the community who want to help. I remember seeing another person who was in recovery and I saw the life he now had, and I was attracted to that. I can’t overemphasise how much the 12step programme has worked for me, but there’s a lot of other resources in the community that will help you.

I had to go to Domville House for many years and through that, I linked into BYAP. I have been in and out of BYAP since I was 12 years of age, that’s over 30 years ago. It just goes to show you how much that service meant to me during my addiction

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

“Today life is so different, I am not just physically present, I am fully present.”

-Elizabeth

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

10 Elizabeth’s Story “Recovery is an acceptance that your life is in shambles and you have to change.”

-Jamie Lee Curtis Hi, I am in my 40 and I am proud to say I am drug-free and in recovery.

I grew up in Ballymun, in a loving family home. I was the youngest of 3.

I had a good upbringing, but from an early age, I was always running from the family home, running from my inner self.

I started drinking alcohol at the age of 13. I loved how it made me feel.

It gave me an all-over good feeling and took me away from myself. From that point on, I regularly drank and smoked hash. At age 15 I started to go to pubs. It was at that time that I met a lad, got pregnant and give birth to a beautiful son. Not long

after the birth, I was back drinking in pubs and taking acid in nightclubs. I moved into my own flat at age 17. It became a party flat as the rave scene was really big at the time.

“I was on a downward spiral with drink and drugs, and this took me in and out of abusive relationships and prison.”

I would go out socializing on a Thursday and not return until Sunday.

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My sister, Mam and Dad would look after my son. It was around this time that I was introduced to heroin. I was at a party, I was high on ecstasy and someone offered me heroin and I took them up on the offer. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I said I will not do that again.

with another drug user and we both continued our drug use. After several years of drug use, my abiding thought was that I was going to die a drug user. This thought scared me, and it prompted me to wean myself off illicit drugs with the help of my family and people in the community.

“After several years of drug use, my abiding thought was that I was going to die a drug user.”

I remained on the methadone programme for a few years after that.

I was afraid to come off methadone as I had been on it for over 20 years.

I was terrified that I would end up with psychosis. Life circumstances brought me to the point of taking a long hard look at what I wanted from life. I decided then to do a community detox. I joined a gym, built a solid foundation for myself and then began to wean myself off methadone. I took it very slowly, dropping 1ml a week.

The promise I made to myself was broken a few weeks later when I smoked it again. I was so sick this time, but it did not deter me from smoking it. I loved how it numbed my feelings. I was on a downward spiral with drink and drugs and this took me in and out of abusive relationships and prison. I enrolled on a methadone programme a few years later and I went into a Detox programme for 5 weeks in 1996.

After 10 days of being drug-free in treatment, I relapsed the day I got out. I continued using heroin, benzos(benzodiazepines) and then started using crack cocaine. I ended up in a long-term relationship 52

After completing my detox, I joined CA and went through the 12-step programme. Throughout my drug use, my family had taken on the responsibility for rearing my son.

Looking back, I brought so much shame and hurt to my son, my family and myself.

In my past, I did things that I am not proud of. I have tried to make amends to all those who loved and

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

cared for me during those chaotic years. I am so blessed to have such an understanding and forgiving son and family. Today life is so different, I am not just physically present, I am fully present. My message to those who are struggling with their drug use is if can do it, anyone can! Recovery can be hard, it’s one day at a time, but I can honestly say that my worst day in recovery is better than my best day in drug use.

“Recovery can be hard, it’s one day at a time but I can honestly say that my worst day in recovery is better than my best day in drug use.”

I was a down and out drug user who would step over anyone to get my next fix. I am now, at long last, drugfree. I could not have done it without the help of my family and friends, but more importantly, I did it for myself. •

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“It’s not talked about enough that people actually get to get out of addiction and get to live full lives. I’m really grateful.”

-Stephen

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

11 Stephen’s Story “Recovery is hard. Regret is harder.”

- Brittany Burgunder

I just wanted to take this opportunity to share my experience about recovery and to talk a little bit about where I come from, which is Ballymun.

I grew up here and ended up on drugs at an incredibly young age. My life went downhill very quickly, and it was misery. My life was horrible when I was using. For a few years, it was great, but for me, I very quickly got strung out. I ended up hopeless and I was just miserable. I just have no other way of putting it. Every day was just getting up, going to the clinic, getting methadone, and going back home to the house sitting with my poor Ma. I had her heartbroken

and I suppose when I think about it now, the people around me had to watch me in that pain and sadness. It was horrendous for them, my sisters and my family. I thought it was all about me, you know. I blamed outside stuff on how I was and so I went on like that for a long time and then something happened to me.

I was homeless for a long time and I spent most of my life in jails, institutions, hostels and social services. I was homeless this night; I will never forget it. I was sitting on Dorset Street and one of my sisters lived in Drumcondra and my other sister was living in a flat facing the 55

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

“old triangle.”(Pub) I was sitting right in the middle of where they both live and I had nowhere to sleep; I had no smokes, I had no money. I was tired, I was lonely and I was hungry. I was broken and I literally could not find the strength to get myself up off the floor to go and ask any of them to help me. Even in my worst time, I still could not summon up the courage to ask someone to help me and in that moment, I had an experience where something internally broke inside me. I just had enough. I literally had enough of that life.

“I grew up here and ended up on drugs at an incredibly young age. My life went downhill very quickly, and it was misery. My life was horrible when I was using.”

I had this drive for life; it just came alive inside me. I thought I am not doing this anymore. I knew deep down in my heart, somewhere, I was a decent kid and that I deserved better out of life. My circumstances and where I was at the time, I could 56

not envisage any kind of hope living like that. I started asking people to help me.

I went to Peter Mc Verry(Peter Mc Verry Trust), who was good to me since I was a young fella. He is a great man and he helped me get into a hostel and I started getting stable on my methadone. I started reaching out, going to day programmes and eventually, I got myself a bed in the Lantern Centre (Residential Detox Centre). I physically came away from the drugs for the 50th time because I’d done that hundreds of times before and my mind would tell me, you can just have one more; it’ll be different this time. This time going in, I knew I was done; I’d had enough. I was not going back to sleeping in laneways, f**kin’ lying on street corners and abusing my body and hurting the people around me.

I just knew that I deserved better, so I chased that and the light and the spirit inside me started to grow.

I started to get opportunities. Like I said, I went to detox and then I went to the Rutland Centre(addiction treatment and rehabilitation), which is a really posh sort of treatment centre in Templeogue Dublin for anybody that doesn’t know it. I was living on fillet steaks and bleedin’

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

top of the range food. I was having baths. I was in me element, it was great and they had a lovely garden out back and you could walk around it. It was great. I loved it and then people would listen to me, talking about my feelings and how poxy my life was. It was great and I enjoyed it up there.

My sister came up to see me and she probably doesn’t know, but I always share this in meetings when I’m doing chairs or when I’m doing anything about recovery. I had a CP day in the Rutland centre(Addiction Treatment Centre) were your family come in and everybody sits down and they ask someone out of your family to come and tell you what it was like for them and living with you in addiction. I had been about 2 months clean and I was starting to put on a bit of weight. I was looking well, I was dressing ok and I was fresh.

“I was broken and I literally could not find the strength to get myself up off the floor to go and ask any of them to help me.”

I thought she’s gonna be delighted you know she’s gonna think I’m a great fella looking great. My whole life ahead of me now. They are all gonna think I’m a great fella. I went in and I sat down at the meeting that day; I never forget it. My sister came in and the counsellor asked her what it was like to live with me using and she f**kin’ sobbed and talked and cried and sobbed for 20 minutes and I’m telling you now I was bleedin’ dumbfounded. I’d no idea the impact that I had on her as a bleedin’ drug addict. It really woke me up; it really bleedin’ did.

That started a mending process in myself where I started to realise that I’d a lot of work to do and so that’s what I did. I kept going. I got out of there and I went on to Soilse (Addiction Rehabilitation Service).

I did the day programme, did some education and got into sports. I’m real energetic, I love moving, I love training. I love a real high energy and I needed an outlet for that because I was stone mad and I needed something. I needed something to keep me going and I got involved in sport and I’ve done loads of stuff over the years. I did a fitness and education programme with YAP(Youth Advocate Programmes).

I did a walk in Kenmare, Killarney.

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I did loads of stuff throughout my recovery and I went to college. I educated myself. I got a degree in Sports Coaching Management, stuff that I never ever dreamed of because I left school when I was quite young.

Also, being from Ballymun, there was a real stigma attached to being from therea and I never thought that I would be able to do what I did. I was able to get the support and help that I needed and I just went after it.

There was days when I woke up that I didn’t want to go and face people. I felt really out of sorts at times, but I just kept going.

People in my life always say to me just put one foot in front of the other even on the hard days. I just get up and I do what I have to do. I’ve got some great stuff in my life and the most important thing in my life is recovery, sharing in meetings, admitting that I’m an addict. I’m not ashamed of that and that’s really important for me because I’ve admitted that to myself. I get great freedom from that.

I go to 12 step recovery meetings. I try help other people find recovery if they want it. There is a way out of that darkness and that misery and there’s an amazing life on offer, but there is a lot of work that has to go in.

I’ve had to put that work in and I’m 58

very glad. I’m just really grateful to be asked to be part of this; it’s amazing, celebrating recovery. It’s just great, it drives recovery and it gives people hope. That’s what we really need because recovery or addiction is destroying people’s lives as we speak in Ballymun, in the city, all over the place. It’s not talked about enough that people actually get to get out of addiction and get to live full lives.

I’m really grateful.

“I suppose that’s one of the reasons why I took this opportunity to share my experience because I’ll never forget the time and effort that people put in for me when I was in active addiction and I was broken and they always had their doors open for me.”

My baby is my pride and joy; I love her to bits. I’ve never known love like it now with her. She lights up my life and every time I look at her, she’s just

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

free; she’s lit up. It’s just amazing.

“There is a way out of that darkness and that misery and there’s an amazing life on offer but there is a lot of work that has to go in. I’ve had to put that work in and I’m very glad.”

Family is a huge, huge thing for me in recovery and it’s been an ongoing battle for me. Family is something that I’ve really worked at and I’m really grateful. I live a full life; I have a job, I have all the shiny stuff like car tax and insurance, I’ve my own house. I’m grateful to BYAP and all the guys that helped me out when I was a young fella and I was a torment and they broke their backs to help me out. They were always there for me. I suppose that’s one of the reasons why I took this opportunity to share my experience because I’ll never forget the time and effort that people put in for me when I was in active addiction and I was broken and they always had their doors open for me. Thanks a million, everybody. •

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“The more you talk recovery, the more you grow. The more you talk recovery the more you understand it.”

-Harry

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12 Harry’s Story “I’m not telling you it is going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.”

-Anonymous I am 18 years in recovery. I was the youngest of 5 kids and also the only boy. My parents were working class.

My Father worked and my Mother stayed at home. My childhood was ok from what I can remember. I never really had much growing up and I always seemed to compare my lack of toys to being different to others rather than the fact of being poor.

I always felt bad because I thought my Dad never bought toys for me because he would rather keep his money for the pub. As a younger boy growing up, I always wondered why my father always went to the pub but never realised he had a problem.

I just thought screw you and the pub, as you respect that more than me. Obviously, hindsight is great to be able to understand now. Back then, as a young boy, it felt like my Dad never loved me or wanted to be with me, but I grew to understand that during that time, my Dad had his own struggles. These struggles drove him to find comfort in alcohol and this obviously impacted on our relationship when I was young.

When I recovered, I was able to understand better and to forgive.

School was always difficult for me as I was very energetic growing up and loved sports, especially soccer. I was 61

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quite good at football from a very early age and it was also a great way for me to socially make and meet new friends and peers. You could say it was an escape from home life and how I was feeling inside, in my head and my emotional state.

I felt at the time that football gave me a platform to showcase my talents, help me feel better while forgetting about everything that made me feel down, anxious or sad.

Although I played football and really loved that part of my life, I always felt that something was wrong with me. Always comparing, always trying to think what others thought of me and always feeling different. This was ongoing for me, and it was never a nice feeling.

I remember my development as a young boy, playing football, being a joker, doing dangerous crazy daredevil stuff for attention and trying anything to feel better and to fit in. This was how I coped. I became different people and I wore different masks for different groups. I was that many different people I forgot about who I was myself.

My teenage years kind of went on like that for a while and I always found myself doing crazy stuff and 62

silly stuff for a laugh. As a group, we’d stay out all day walking everywhere, getting up to mischief, climbing into abandoned warehouses and building sites, always looking to steal and make a few bob.

“This was the beginning of a 10-year substance problem that brought all the negative consequences that drugs bring.”

When we would make money, we’d split it and all the group would get drink and weed, but I’d always spent mine on sweets and Coca Cola as at this stage I had not drank or taken drugs. I never really understood this, but later in life, I did. Football was the one good thing in my life at that stage that prevented me drinking and taking drugs. I always felt that you could not play football and make a career if you took these substances, and making a career was my goal and my way out, I felt. You could say I was putting all me eggs in one basket.

Hope is such a great motivation but can also be detrimental to a young boy’s dreams if it never materialised when growing up and I found that

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

out the hard way.

At the age of 14, I was still running around acting the maggot with friends while keeping up playing football and hurting from my home life while avoiding the truth daily.

Things came to a very fast end for me in terms of my goal. School was becoming very difficult as I was acting out daily to avoid doing the work that was moving too quick for me and expulsion was on the cards for me. Football was still going ok, or at least I thought it was, until I lashed out in a game and hit an opponent from the opposite team. I got a red card but what followed was a young lad having a mental explosion due to the pressure I put on myself. I lost it that day. I was so hurt from letting teammates down after the red card that I took it out on the referee. I lashed out at him and then the manager, who tried to calm me down. This resulted in me getting a 12-week suspension from football.

I was also expelled from school the same week, and life was really taking a turn for the worst and hope was leaving me.

At this stage of my life, I felt I had no one to say it was going to be ok, I just heard negative comments being branded at me. So, I did what

I wanted from there on in. I started hanging around more and this was the start of that curiosity that I always had about substances and what the group got up to while I concentrated on football.

“I believed the game was up for me and that this was my life now, drugs had won, and I became their slave.”

The first time I took a drug was December 1994 at the Mansion House at a under 18 rave event. I remember it like it was yesterday walking to the event all dressed up and the gang stopped 50 yards from the queue and I just heard one of the gang say, “right, let’s do them now before we head in, that way, they’ll be up on us when we get inside”. I asked, “what is everyone up to?” The guys said, “we’re dropping E’s” and I said, “what are they?” “They’re to help you dance”, someone said. Another lad who I knew who never really took drugs said, “I am doing it, do you want half of a yoke(ecstasy)?” I just remember that moment everyone standing looking at me waiting on my response. I just felt pressure, but 63

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my hope was gone due to school expulsion and a football ban that I just said f**k it and took half the tablet. I remember going into the event full of anxious feelings, not knowing what to expect, worried and afraid, as it was my first rave and first time taking a drug. But when the drug came up on me, it was like a missing piece of my life that I always searched for and craved, or that’s how it felt. I felt confident, alive and part of something as opposed to always feeling that I was on the outside looking in previously.

The start of my drug-taking was not a usual pathway. I had not even drank alcohol, but yet I had taken ecstasy.

The following week I went raving again, taking ecstasy again, but this week I went back to a house party and that’s where I was introduced to heroin.

“I started to understand me; I started to understand my trauma; I started to understand my substance problem” 64

A lot of older teens and young adults at the party were smoking this to come down from ecstasy; I was intrigued. I asked could I try it, but a lot of the older crew said no, I was too young. One guy gave me the billy and said if you want a line, buzz into the jacks with me. He was worried other people would give out to him, so he said don’t tell anyone. I smoked a few lines and started getting sick cause of the smell and taste, but the feeling I got was overwhelming. I fell in love with the buzz and feeling I got from using this substance. It quickly became my drug of choice.

In Ballymun, early 1995, everyone who was anyone was using this drug, especially young lads and girls my age. The 14th floor in all tower blocks became a meeting point for all young “dragon chasers”.

Heroin was a new epidemic that took the community by storm. I hid my using for over a year before my family found out. By this stage, my using was daily, and I was naive, thinking I’ll never get strung out, till one day I awoke dying sick. This was the beginning of a 10-year substance problem that brought all the negative consequences that drugs bring. I ended up in all the wrong places – prisons, treatment centres, clinics,

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

doctors, hospitals, and the streets.

My using wanted me dead and I was giving in to it. I had done wrong on so many people that I never knew who was out to get me. Living in fear, feeling very anxious all the time, and running frightened every day, police after me, dealers after me, and people I hurt or annoyed after me. I burned all my bridges with family members, friends, and the community that I felt so alone and I just wanted to give up on myself. I used alone at this part of my addiction and became very comfortable doing this. I believed the game was up for me and that this was my life now, drugs had won, and I became their slave.

I ended up back in prison and I suppose for the first time in my life, I was thinking I can’t do this anymore.

I think things happen for a reason, call it luck or faith, I don’t know, but while in prison, a key worker from Coolmine treatment centre came in to visit the prisoners to offer treatment.

I could not believe my eyes. When the guy walked in, as I sat in prison, considering my life for the first time, I recognised a friendly face.

The counsellor was a guy who I previously went to treatment within 1998 when I was 17. I left before

completion and relapsed; he went on and graduated the programme, becoming an employee and going to college. I never forgot that moment, a real turning point in my thinking and belief. I remember the two of us starting treatment together and the two of us broken young men. I was so proud of him as he looked a million dollars, while I was still broken, only 9 stone in weight, sick from my substance problem that had carried on over those years. One thing I got from our meeting and conversation was hope; if he could do it, maybe I could too. The last thing that friendly face said to me was, get yourself back up to the lodge in Coolmine and take it from there.

“I would say to anyone who is contemplating treatment, go for it you deserve to be the best version of yourself.”

I thought long and hard that night, excited from how I felt thinking about treatment. I made a plan that as soon as I get out of prison, I was going to try to get inducted into 65

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Coolmine. After a couple of months of attending key work sessions and giving urines, the day eventually came to go to treatment. I remember it like it was yesterday, October 2003, and it was a turning point in my life.

At the beginning, like anything new, change was difficult for me and I was still using negative behaviours in treatment, thinking I could pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. But people who suffer from substance issues notice those behaviours better than anyone else. They have a saying in Coolmine – “where else in our common ground can we find such a mirror”. Meaning people who’ve experienced substance issues know you better then you know yourself, so there was no hiding. I eventually surrendered and said, right, I am here now, might as well try and see we’re it takes me. It was the beginning of change.

I started to understand me; I started to understand my trauma; I started to understand my substance problem; I started to understand responsibility; I mended broken relationships; I started to believe in me; I was learning while developing; I was accepting my past and was learning to live with it.

Coolmine had given me a platform to grow and find myself. This gave 66

me huge power over my future choices. I owe them my life because I had got it back, but now the real work was going to start reintegration back to society. In recovery, you learn so much about yourself, but the best tool I learned was how to listen to myself, be honest with myself and not turn my back on the values and morals I believe in, the truth of how and who I am, how I was raised, and how I see the world and my place in it.

“Remember life is about change and personal growth. It can be gained and learned from our lived experiences. Learn from your past and mould your future to become a better brighter you.”

This was so important for my recovery as I weighed up who I am now and what I could struggle with if I return to substances. Another concept in Coolmine is – “remember we’re you came from”. That’s basically saying remember all the pain hurt

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

and struggles substance abuse brings, and remember what you’ve gained since becoming substance-free, another great tool to compare your worth with now and then. One more concept Coolmine taught me and I internalised, was “you can only keep what you have by giving it away”. Meaning the more you talk recovery, the more you grow. The more you talk recovery, the more you understand it. The more you support others on their journey of recovery, the more you feel good. Do good things, you feel good, do bad things and you can feel bad for the results.

This is what helped me start a career in my chosen field of work.

I really grew helping others, so this helped me understand life better.

I really love being part of people’s journey of recovery, whatever it is. The work I do is so rewarding, spiritually, financially, and I feel like a productive part of my community.

Before, I always felt like an outsider looking in.

My life is a simple life now, but I’d never change it for all the money in China. I live for my work, my family, my community, but most of all, I live free, happy and healthy.

I would say to anyone who is contemplating treatment, go for it

you deserve to be the best version of yourself. Substances will only attack the individual you are or inspire to be. Hopes and dreams will diminish, bridges will be burned and relationships will be damaged.

Recovery has given me all these important things back in my life, a life I’d never change for any substance.

I live my life as a teetotaller and it’s been like that for the past 18 years, so if I can do it, anyone can.

Believe in yourself and anything is possible. I hope this story gives hope to someone and might motivate them to try recovery as you’re worth it. So, reach out, ask for help or support because I am sure if someone asked you for help, you’d do it for them. Remember, life is about change and personal growth. It can be gained and learned from our lived experiences. Learn from your past and mould your future to become a better, brighter you. •

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“One of the hardest things was learning I was worth recovery.”

-Samantha

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

13 Samantha’s Story “Nothing is impossible; the word itself says, ‘I’m possible!’”

- Audrey Hepburn I live in Ballymun, where I have lived since I was a kid. I started drugs at a very young age 13. Like most people in the area, it was just socialising. I had my first child at 16. After she was born, my partner and I went into heavier substance use and by the age of 18, I was addicted and put on a methadone clinic. I stayed on drugs for 23 years. During that time, I had two more daughters. My 2 eldest were taken from me because of my addiction. The third daughter I kept.

All 3 suffered the consequences that my addiction caused them.

Still, today, coming on 9 years clean, I still struggle with my feelings. For

years I denied them by using drugs.

A moment of clarity happened when the doctors told me that I had a year to live because my liver was so damaged by my drug use. If I did not go on treatment, I was going to die.

On the way from the hospital, I was with my parents in the car. Nothing was said, but I could see the fear in my mother’s eyes, fear that she was going to lose her child. I was able to put myself in another person’s shoes.

I felt such sadness for my parents and that my children might have to bury me. This was new for me. It was like a spiritual awakening. I knew I needed to change. It made me really, really 69

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

determined.

I started my journey into recovery in 2010 with a lot of health issues. Many doctors told me that because I was a chronic drug user, I was basically a hopeless case and that I could never achieve or maintain recovery. They thought I was too far gone. I met with a counsellor in my methadone clinic, Domville House. He believed that I wanted recovery and believed I could make it. He supported me through the process. First, I had to prove to the doctors that I could have my methadone and other substances reduced. This was slow and it took me 2 years to get clean.

“A moment of clarity happened when the doctors told me that I had a year to live because my liver was so damaged by my drug use. If I did not go on treatment I was going to die.”

In that process, I linked in with BYAP. They put me in the ‘reduce the use’ group. I then started a 6-month 70

programme in Soilse. This prepared me for going into treatment to become drug and alcohol-free. Again, this was a slow process. When I look back on it now, I see how it took such a lot of hard work and dedication to remain focused. At times I felt lonely because I had to remove myself from friends that I grew up with. I was very driven. I wanted recovery and at the same time, I had a lot of self-doubt because it was my first time entering recovery. It took a long time for that self-belief to grow, to feel that I really could recover.

In 2012 I became drug and alcoholfree. At that point, I could feel a lot of guilt and shame, especially around my children and family. I started attending the 12 step programme, which I am still very much involved in today.

What has recovery meant for me?

It has given me a new way of life.

Not only have I built up very good relationships with my family and my girls, but I have gone back into education and I work in a job which is helping other people. That is what I like doing. Most important, it is getting to know myself and build a relationship with myself. Recovery for me means a new way of life.

When I came into recovery, that little

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

girl, full of fear and denial of feelings, began growing and becoming more and more accepting of herself every day. If I can give you one thing from my story, it is that I believe there are no hopeless cases and, with the right supports, recovery is possible for all.

Believe me, this is true.

“If I can give you one thing from my story, it is that I believe there are no hopeless cases and, with the right supports, recovery is possible for all.

Believe me, this is true.”

The right supports, in my case, were wonderful people. They not only helped me on this journey and they devoted time and patience and belief in me when no one else was believing. Above all, they showed empathy. They were people with a quality of caring and presence that meant so much to me. They made me feel like a human being instead of a hopeless drug addict. I also formed real relationships with other

people who, like me, wanted change and many of them have become my friends. I am proud to be a part of ‘Recovery Month’ and I would like to acknowledge all those services and staff and my family and friends for all the love and support throughout the years. You all made this possible.

One of the hardest things was learning I was worth recovery. •

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Recovery stories yet to be told These few blank pages are an acknowledgement of the many local recovery stories that have not yet been recorded, written or shared.....

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Recovery stories yet to be told These few blank pages are an acknowledgement of the many local recovery stories that have not yet been recorded, written or shared.....

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Recovery stories yet to be told These few blank pages are an acknowledgement of the many local recovery stories that have not yet been recorded, written or shared.....

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References Best, D. (2014). Strength, support, setbacks and solutions: the developmental pathway to addiction recovery, Pavilion Publishing and Media Ltd, Hove, England.

Center for Substance Abuse Treatment. (2009). Guiding principles and elements of recovery-oriented systems of care: What do we know from the research?, U.S. Department of Health and Human Sciences. Retrieved from: http://www.samhsa.gov/shin Hamilton, D. (2020). ‘bringing recovery into the open’. A Review of Ballymun Recovery Month 2019. Dublin: Ballymun Local Drugs and Alcohol Task Force.

Valentine P. (2011). Peer-based recovery support services within a recovery community organisation: The CCAR experience. In: J Kelly & W White (Eds) Addiction Recovery Management: Theory, research and practice . Springer, New York: Humana Press.

Quotes used in this publication can be found at the following website: Ocean Recovery. (2017). 20 of the Absolute Best Addiction Recovery Quotes of All Time. [online] Available at: https://oceanrecoverycentre. com/2017/03/20-of-the-absolute-best-addiction-recovery-quotes-of-alltime/. quotesgram.com. (n.d.). Recovery Quotes. QuotesGram. [online] Available at: https://quotesgram.com/recovery-quotes/ 76

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Resources LOCAL RESOURCES

The Star Project Drug rehab CE Scheme provides services to clients with a current or past history of drug/alcohol issues

Ballymun Drugs & Alcohol Task Force

01 846 7930

Ballymun Drugs and Alcohol task Force provide a range of service around education, prevention, intervention projects, treatment and rehabilitation projects.

Áit Linn Ballymun

01 883 2142 www.ballymunlocaldrugstaskforce.ie

BRYR: Ballymun Regional Resource Range of services for children and young people including mental health counselling and outreach work.

01 866 7600 www.bryr.ie

BRYR: Youth drugs worker Supporting young people with addiction and related issues by providing positive pro-social alternatives, drugs and alcohol information and education.

085 870 9562

Service offering a confidential individual treatment programme from planned reduction through detoxification to aftercare in relation to problem alcohol use.

01 537 3946 ww.aitlinn.ie

Young Ballymun Provides a range of services from birth through to teenage years 0​​ 1 883 2177 www.youngballymun.org

Pace An education and training project for people with current or previous offending behaviour 01 8427997 www.paceorganisation.ie

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Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Aisling Project Out of school support for children aged 8-14 years and their parents www.aislingproject.ie

Ballymun Job Centre One-to-one support, guidance and career advice for clients who have had drug or alcohol issues.

01 866 7000 www.bmunjob.ie

Ballymun Case Management Service (De Paul) Provides support in the local community for individuals that struggle with substance dependency (mostly alcohol). Early interventions are implemented for people that are homeless or at risk of becoming homeless.

086 385 8701 01 891 6103

Strengthening Families Programme A 15-week family skills programme for parents and teens aged 12-16 or children aged 6-12 01 8832142 www.ballymunlocaldrugstaskforce.ie/sfp

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Ballymun Family Support Service Support and information for people affected by a family member or partner who is using drugs or alcohol 01 8467930 (contact Paul Browne) 085 2009763

HEALTH SERVICE EXECUTIVE (HSE) RESOURCES Soilse Addiction Rehabilitation Service (01) 872 4922 www.soilse.ie

HSE Ballymun Primary Care Team GPs, public health nurses, physiotherapists, occupational therapists, social workers, psychiatric nurses, speech and language therapists, dietician and family support services 01 8467000

HSE Outreach worker Information on harm reduction, treatment and needle exchange services.

087 967 6304

Ballymun Recovery Stories: Personal Journeys of Drug & Alcohol Recovery

Domville house

Coolmine

HSE Drug treatment Centre

Drug and Alcohol Treatment Centre 087 122 9307

01 862 0111

Aoibhneas Cuan Dara Inpatient therapeutic detoxification Centre 07669 55050

01 867 0701 www.aoibhneas.ie

NATIONAL RESOURCES National Drugs Helpline Narcotics Anonymous- NA

WEBSITES

1800 459 459

www.drugs.ie

01 672 8000

Drugs and alcohol information and support.

Alcoholics Anonymous- AA 01 842 0700 Cocaine Anonymous- CA

Women & Children’s Refuge Domestic Abuse Support for Women & Children

087 317 4989

Gamblers Annonymus- GA 01 872 1133

www.askaboutalcohol.ie Information on alcohol and alcohol services finder

Rutland Centre Addiction Treatment Centre 01 494 6358 www.rutlandcentre.ie

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LOCAL GP & HOSPITALS

Provides information on service that treats addiction and mental health in tandem.

Ballymun Family Practice

www.dualdiagnosis.ie

01 8467094 www.ballymunfamilypractice.ie

Let Someone Know

Dual Diagnosis Ireland

Information on Mental Health.

Ballymun Healthcare Facility

www.letsomeoneknow.ie

(01) 846 7000

Mental Health Ireland

Beaumont Hospital (01) 809 3000 www.beaumont.ie

Information promoting positive mental health and wellbeing. www.mentalhealthireland.ie

St.Vincent’s University Hospital (01) 221 4000 www.stvincents.ie

Samaritans Provide emotional support to anyone in emotional distress, struggling to cope, or at risk of suicide.

116 123

MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES

www.dublinsamaritans.ie

Aware Ireland

Pieta House

www.samaritans.org

Aware provides support services to individuals experiencing depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety. Support services are offered free of charge

Free therapeutic support to people who are in suicidal distress and those who engage in self-harm.

1800 80 48 48

1800 247 247

www.aware.ie

www.pieta.ie

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Turn2me Self-help, peer support and professional support through an online platform for those who are experiencing poor mental health. www.turn2me.ie

Reach Out Information on mental health aim at teens and young adults www.reachout.com

National Office for Suicide Prevention Information on Suicide Prevention

OTHER USEFUL RESOUCRES Ballymun Community Law Centre Provides free legal advice and information to people in the community 01 8625805 www.bclc.ie

Ballymun Garda Station (01) 6664400 www.garda.ie

www.nosp.ie

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“This book tells the stories of thirteen people growing up in Ballymun, how they became addicted, their struggle with addiction, and most importantly, how they escaped from it. It should be read by anyone who wants a deeper understanding of addiction. It is a must-read for those still caught in the throes of addiction, who will easily identify with the experiences of the writers and who also wish to escape, but do not know where to start. It is a book full of hope and inspiration”.

Father Peter Mc Verry PMVT “The stories in this collection bristle with life, with love and with great authenticity. I couldn’t put it down.”

Peter Sheridan Irish playwright, screenwriter and director.

“The stories in this wonderful book are incredibly important - they will give support, strength and hope to people who are struggling right now, they are stories of hope, of happiness, of looking to the future. But the stories also highlight the challenge to all of us as a society to do more to address the impact of addiction and it’s underlying causes. The writers of these stories show us so brilliantly why it is crucial that we meet this challenge” Anna Quigley.

Citywide

ISBN 978-1-3999-0369-1