Parenting Principles

By Dr. Vanessa Lapointe

Over the years, I have developed a list of twelve parenting principles that will help you parent right from the start. Approaching your parenting role intentionally with key principles in mind allows you to stay the course, and when you struggle, helps you to find your way back with perhaps a little more ease.

1. No challenge, no growth Embrace the mess of life because that is where growth blossoms. Here is where your child’s ability to adapt is fostered and resilience is championed. When your children do not experience the challenges of life they cannot grow. Help them navigate challenges with swagger and compassion.

2. Neurons that fire together, wire together What you do on the outside grows your child on the inside. A young child’s brain is designed to soak up environment. You can nurture neural wiring through your caregiving relationship with your children, especially when it comes to helping them develop selfregulation. That’s neuroplasticity at work!

3. Grow you, grow them No one triggers us like our children can. When we explore the origins of these triggers, we discover that often it is the un-grown parts of ourselves from our childhood that are at issue rather than our children’s behaviour. Grow you so you can grow them.

4. Swagger is all Step into your swagger as the big person on whom your child depends. This is less about “doing” and more about “being.” The energy that flows between you and your child must be full of unquestioning competence so you can fulfill your natural role as your child’s true north.

5. Relationship is the bottom line Everything about how humans tick comes down to relationship, which makes it the most crucial need of a developing child. Embrace the relationship with your child. Do nothing, say nothing, be nothing that does not champion relationship as the bottom line.

6. You are enough Nobody is the expert on a child in the way that the parent is. Your gut, your intuition, your sense of your child’s being are unlike anything anybody else can lay claim to. Your child needs you to own this deep knowledge and know, without question, that you are enough.

7. Seek joy Nurture joy by infusing your parenting journey with gratitude, humour, fun, and playfulness. This is the stuff that makes a child’s—and an adult’s—world go round. When you are truly present, you will find that being a compassionate witness to your child’s growth is an incredibly joyful experience.

8. Find your village You were never meant to parent alone. We are meant to thrive in villages. Our ancestors lived a rich communal existence and raised their children amid its hustle and bustle and support; today, parents do the same work in relative isolation. It falls upon us to create a community in which to raise our young. Find yours.

9. Foster dependence Dependence is the natural state of the child. Encourage your child to lean into the caring provision of their capable, empathetic big people. Through leaning in, a child summons the energy for growth. For your child, the true gift of this deep dependence is eventual emergence into the best, independent version of themselves.

10. Know where to set the bar Set the behaviour bar where your child can reach it. Too high and a child experiences constant failure. Too low and they never experience the joy of conquering life. Both errors force a child to reject your lead. Educate yourself about child development, temperament, and attachment so you can set the bar in the perfect place.

11. Choose stories that feed love Everything you perceive, including what it is to be a parent and how your child behaves, is a story. Consider deeply what perspective brings you peace, compassion, joy, and gratitude. Actively choose the stories that feed love rather than fear, and view your child through that lens.

12. Slow down Never rush childhood! Honour the inherent timeline of growth embedded inside your unique child. Development should never be hurried for the sake of convenience or competition. Rushed development may create a desired outcome initially but this result often has no staying power and creates havoc downstream.

This is an excerpt from Parenting Right from the Start: Laying a Healthy Foundation in the Baby and Toddler Years by Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, one of Canada’s leading voices on childhood development and a beloved parenting expert. In this book, her follow-up to the bestseller Discipline Without Damage, Dr. Lapointe advises new parents how to put their child on a path to optimal development during the crucial early years.