BINGHAMTON REVIEW Editor-in-Chief Contents
P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000 EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Founded 1987 • Volume XXXIII, Issue IX Jake Schweitzer
Managing Editor Matt Gagliano Copy Desk Chief Madeline Perez
Business Manager Joe Badalamenti
Social Media Shitposter Arthur O’Sullivan
Editor Emeriti
Patrick McAuliffe Jr., Tommy Gagliano
Staff Writers
Jon Lizak, Dillon O’Toole, Will Anderson, Spencer Haynes
Contributors
Murder O. Crows, Charles Forman, Sara Traynor, Xanax Aniximander, Sadrick McAwful, Not Matt Gagliano, Piper Dreamer, Ron Jestuccia
Special Thanks To:
Intercollegiate Studies Institute Collegiate Network Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden We Provide the Truth. He Provides the Staples
THE ABCS OF CANCELLATION
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by Our Staff
3 Editorial by Jake Schweitzer 4 Press Watch by Our Staff 5 Why I’m Right and Your’e Wrong by Xanax Anaximander 6 Progressivism Is The Only Way To Achieve Racial Equity by Piper Dreamer (They/Them) 7 Lets Tik-Talk About TikTok by Not Matt Gagliano 10 A Michelin Star Review of C4 by Charles Forman 11 Binghamton Students Bad by Madeline Perez 12 The Firearms That Shaped America, Part 3 of 3 by Ron Jestuccia 13 Birds Aren’t Real by Sara Traynor 14 Nature Preserve Out, Quarantine Housing In! by Mirder O. Crows 15 Old White Men To The Rescue! by Sadtrick McAwful
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! Direct feedback to editor@binghamtonreview.com 2
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Vol. XXXIII, Issue IX
EDITORIAL Dear Readers,
From the Editor
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ome writers may start off their editorials by putting in a quote so that the reader could think about the greater themes of our day. What kind of pretentious idiot would do that?! Seriously, imagine if the Editor-In-Chief of a publication just started every issue by trying to make readers think! I’m not reading so I could think and hear different opinions; I read so I can be validated and feel good about myself, because I’m always right! Everyone that disagrees with me is completely evil, and deserves nothing more than to be cast out with the harshest possible words to describe them! I burn books, I throw away issues, and I let people know they should be cancelled; I am the modern Iconoclast. —Me, Myself, and I Greetings, comrades! Now, I know what you’re all thinking: what happened to Binghamton Review? It’s gone as we know it; no longer will there be a publication that supports the clearly racist, sexist, homophobic and every-other-phobic notions of freedom of speech. Instead, we, the people, decided to force upon the writers the morally and politically correct means of expressing communist, leftist, and intersectionalist thought (the ONLY way to think). We therefore work tirelessly to reflect our very serious and genuine reboot from a bastion of academic freedom to what you hold in front of you. Behold, for we are now Binghamton Reboot! Beyond simply using Comic Sans in the editorial—a very serious font for the people—our new lineup of articles reflects the reboot that each of our staff and contributors went through. One example is that our new staff decided to prepare a list—from A to Z—of things that should IMMEDIATELY be cancelled! Perhaps your looking for an intersectionalist take on why “your’e” always right. In that case, Xanax Aniximander has provided the perfect word salad for you! Another contributor, Piper Dreamer, has provided an excellent piece as to why we should use government force to achieve a completely equitable society. Of course, like any good revolution, we need the perfect platform to spread our propoganda—I mean, truth. Not Matt Gagliano argues that the choice is obvious: TikTok! Perhaps you are happy that Drumpf is gone. Well, Sadrick McAwful goes over how President Biden is OBVIOUSLY a win for progressivism. Ron Jestuccia, in the meantime, finishes the long-awaited sequel to “The Firearms That Shaped America”. For on-campus news, you may have noticed a few stickers lying around campus promoting the reality that birds aren’t real. Sara Traynor breaks this true conspiracy and the people behind the organization (which you should definitely check out). Speaking of birds, Mirder O. Crows returns, breaking down the very real and recent announcement about paving the nature preserve for quarantine housing. Madeline Perez, meanwhile, decides that Binghamton students are to blame for not handling online classes well. Lastly, Charles Forman gives an in-depth food review of the perfect food for the people: Sodexo’s C4! One last thing to mention: APRIL FOOLS! As I’m sure you’ve probably picked up on, everything in this issue is satirical. Otherwise, have a fun (and not so serious) April Fools Day! Not-so-sincerely, Jake Schweitzer
Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine of conservative thought founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found or accepted on our predominately liberal campus. We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Independence and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness and cultural authoritarianism that dominates this university. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole. editor@binghamtonreview.com
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CPampus resswatch “GME Stonks: Is It Legal?” Julius Apostata, The Binghamton Review, March 19, 2021 “I’m going to start this article off in a way completely different from most Binghamton Review articles: with a disclaimer. I am, by no means, a financial or legal expert; if at some point I seem to be questioning the legality of specific tactics or strategies employed by certain groups, take this speculation with a grain of salt.” The Mask is off! THE Binghamton Review Writer has finally revealed that they are uneducated! Maybe once they start reading up on some Marx they will start producing good articles. “Pouring gasoline into this dumpster-fire was the fact that many large investment firms, called hedge funds, had actually gone out of their way to continuously short-sell GME. To the perspective of many casual investors, it seemed that many of these hedge funds profited off the misery of GameStop, keeping it from financial recovery while pocketing gains.” GOOD! Ever since #GamerGate, we know that all gamers are sexist, racist, homophobic basement dwellers. So it’s good when hedge funds, rightfully, try to tear down such a problematic company. We gotta cancel the gamers, am I right? “How to Give Head Like a Pink Haired Girl” Sara Traynor, The Binghamton Review, February 24th, 2021 “You know you’re doing something right when his penis is a bloody pulp by the time you’re finished.” That sounds like it would hurt. A lot. How the hell is that supposed to be pleasurable? “By clothes, I mean the uncomfortable suit of fake human flesh you’ve been wearing since you were born. Bare all. Show him that you’re a genetically engineered, superintelligent lizard, and that
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Written by our Staff
We know you don’t read the other campus publications, so we did it for you. Original pieces are in quotes, our responses are in bold.
lizards can do anything humans can do, like give great sloppy toppy and run the government.” I can’t believe that Binghamton Review not only believes that lizard people are real, but that they also buy into the conspiracy that lizard people run the government. Please educate yourself. “The extra appendages you were gifted by Martians that fateful night?” The Binghamton Review believes in aliens too? Pushing one conspiracy on your readers is bad enough, but two conspiracies is way too far. I don’t understand how you still have SA funding. I could’ve sworn my Twitter hashtag took you guys out a while ago. “The Most Smashable Smash Bros. Character” Matt Gagliano, The Binghamton Review, February 24th, 2021 “As of the time of writing this, there are currently 78 playable characters in Super Smash Bros.,” This is incorrect. Even by the time at which the article would have been written, there were a total of 80 characters in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. #FactChecked. “Anyway, another group of characters I will not be considering for the title of most smashable are the Fire Emblem characters, mainly because they are all pretty much the exact same character.” Also incorrect, [Adjusts glasses and sips Mountain Dew], every Fire Emblem character is distinctly different. Even Lucina, who pretends to be
Marth in Fire Emblem: Awakening, is not Marth, but Lucina, a completely different character. #FactChecked. “The Great Debate” Madeline Perez, The Binghamton Review, February 24th, 2021 “When objective proof fails us we are left to put the pieces together ourselves - then forge our own beliefs like iron from steel. Is God real? Can drinking pee be beneficial? Is it possible to find happiness in this nightmare hellscape forced upon us at birth?” That is soooo like the Bing Review to drink piss! “In defense of butts, they are integral to every aspect of life. Nice to squish and easy to kick.” Every aspect of life? I don’t think so. What about the poor buttless children of America? Also, easy to kick? Sounds to me like you’re promoting violence... “Such a trivial and opinion-driven argument exists only to stir people up like a pot of savory gumbo.” I hate gumbo. :(
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WHY I’M RIGHT AND YOUR’E WRONG
Why I’m Right And Your’e Wrong By Xanax Anaximander
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here is no typo on the title above. My executive decision to “incorrectly,” although, inconsequentially, that is, incontrovertibly unconventionally render the word, in this time and place commonly spelled as “you’re” as “your’e,” was the product of my attempt to fundamentally attack the hegemonic assomptions of the overwhelming of the western cis-heteropatriarchy, as well as astablish myslef, that is, I use these terms for the same reason as I will explore in my following text on of phenomenology, ontology, deontology, intersectional intertextuality, counterpoint, dialectic hegemonic discourse, linguistic psychology, sexual psychology, empirical imperialism, as a subjective individual against the hegemonic discourses surrounding language, and how it governs the consciouseess of the subjective experiences of subject individuals. My intentions with this work, dead though the author may be, is to use it as a weapon to defeat opponents of my end of the hegemonic discourses surrounding the l’etat, that is, c’est, me, moi. The above discourse courses as a river discoursing into the vast sea as it is knowledge is my, that is, my own, and thereby the universal, as it is subjective to myself, as a solipsistic individual, being seen through the other, but recognizing my self in the bonds of societal constraint, nevertheless experiencing complex isolation and alienation from my contemporaneous intersections of individuals having been atomized by the individualist western discourse hegemonically subjecting people especially as women, people of color, trans people, and other
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marginalia-situated peoples, remains my, as the heretofore aforementioned phenomenon appositionaly described above, unifying theory of phenomenology, ontology, deontology, intersectional intertextuality, counterpoint, dialectic hegemonic discourse, linguistic psychology, sexual psychology, empirical imperialism, why donald trump is bad, and, of course, witchcraft. The root, the radix, if you will, the racine, even, if the latin language resembles the white-phallo-hegemonic imperialism of the Catholic church too much for your, the subjective individual reader, that is the heretofore aforementioned phenomenon as mentioned above with reference to you, not me, problematic though the separation may be, as it is morally imperative for my writing to not cause harm to others’ subjective experience of phenomenological existence, subjective experience of phenomenological existence, is the me, that is the heretofore aforementioned phenomenon as mentioned above with reference to me, not you, the subjective individual reader as mentioned above in the aforementioned heretofore phenomenon with reference to you, not me, problematic though the separation may be. The me, being an arbiter of subjective experience, thereby governs the internal and external, and thereby the hyperstitional discourses and dialectics intersecting with the phenomenological numinon that is my experience of pain, that is, a sense of harm against my subjective experience in my heretofore aforementioned phenomenon above, as well as my subjective experience of pleasure, that is, the phenomenological numinon whereby my subjective experience is aligned with my numinous internal discourses and abstract idealizations. *I let out a loud and proud gamer-brap* Hang on, I need to use the toilet...HHHHHHH HHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *plop* ok I’m done.
With the my being the racine of of phenomenology, ontology, deontology, intersectional intertextuality, counterpoint, dialectic hegemonic discourse, linguistic psychology, sexual psychology, empirical imperialism, why donald trump is bad, and, of course, witchcraft, it of course follows that I believe these subjective experiences to be necessary in the formulation of the counterpoint to the problematic aspects of western cis-heteropatriarchy that cause a sense of harm against my subjective experience in my heretofore aforementioned phenomenon above. Bear in mind that I wrote about the me being the racine of the above-mentioned heretofore phenomenon aforementioned, not the you, that is the heretofore aforementioned phenomenon as mentioned above with reference to you. It follows, then, that I am therefore right, as I am the subject and object of solipsistic material and phenomenological and hyperstitionally ontological experience, not you, as I am not you, problematic though the situation may be. It is therefore necessary, then, that we therefore assume, that I’m right and your’e wrong.
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PROGRESSIVISM IS THE ONLY WAY TO ACHIEVE RACIAL EQUITY
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Progressivism Is The Only Way To Achieve Racial Equity By Piper Dreamer (They/Them)
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s we move further into 2021, I realize how many issues of the past still linger. One issue in particular is racial equity and the treatment of marginalized groups. Recently, we have seen many demonstrations of social justice, from the disruption of racists here at Binghamton to the creation of The Revolutionary CHAZ to even online activism on sites like Twitter and TikTok. These feats have been instrumental in changing the way we see race and identity. Yet, progress in terms of outcomes has only been gradual, as many stubborn Americans still cling to old ideals such as “liberty” and “responsibility.” Ew! It’s problematic that people still value these relics of the dark ages. I feel that it is time to consider using government force to create what the people would see as a truly equitable society.
“Whether it be through loud activism, rioting, or even the destruction of property, any publicity is good publicity.” Marginalized groups have been oppressed for years. Despite all of our progress, this trend of oppression has continued into the 21st century. First, there was 9/11, which was used as an excuse to reinstitute colonialism in the Middle East through endless wars. As a result, America was able to obtain cheap oil, which ONLY benefits white Americans. Even things like technological improvements have had their drawbacks. For example, the creation of the internet led to a rise in microaggressions. One time I was on a Reddit thread talking about my transition and one of the comments said: “she is so brave”. WTF!!!! My pronouns are they/them. It’s literally in my name!!!!!! Even as progressive movements like BLM cropped up, stubborn Americans would produce counter-movements to steal away
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sympathy. STOP THIS, it’s OUR sympathy, not yours! This all eventually culminated with the election of the Orange Man (not going to say his name), the darkest day in American history. As president, the Orange Man would go on to sign racism into law with cruel acts like forcing the children of undocumented migrants into cages. This is something that no empathetic person, and certainly no Democrat, would do. While heroic members of the resistance would attempt to block his government-mandated bigotry, stubborn Americans would label any criticism as “T***p Derangement Syndrome.” I DO NOT HAVE T***P DERANGEMENT SYNDROME, T***P IS JUST LITERALLY HITLER! WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M NOT DERANGED BECAUSE OF HIM?!?! Media outlets such as The Daily Wire even cropped up to promote his BIG LIE. Since the Orange Man had (illegitimately) taken office, his cruelty has begun to trickle down to the local levels of society. As a survivor of these dreadful years, I feel it is appropriate to share my story. One of the worst microaggressions I ever encountered happened last week. I was asking my economics professor if he could curve my exam grade from 20% to passing and he said “no, it’s not in the class syllabus.” Furious at his unjust discrimination against womxn, I let out a piercing “REEEEEE” in hopes that he would reconsider. I was then forced out of his office by UPD. This is clear evidence that bigotry has arrived on campus. Clearly, American society needs to be restructured. While a non-intellectual might question how to accomplish this change, I’ve learned from my Intro to American Government class that the best way is to use the government. The government has given us so many good things: public schools, the New Deal, and abortions, to name a few. You can even see that in government-run economies such as
in Germany and Denmark, not only is there more racial equity, but their citizens are really nice and anti-racist. The only problem with government action is that we aren’t using it enough. This is because progressive activists have idiotically stood by as moderate scum like Joe Biden and “dirty cop” Kamala Harris are chosen for office instead of truly revolutionary figures like Comrade Sanders (I love you, Bernie :)). Progressives need to learn a clear message: if they just sit back and compromise with moderate liberals, then the revolution will never commence. To truly “be the change you want to see in the world,” we must enact change ourselves, right here, right now. To accomplish this, progressives must be willing to fight. In the fight, we embrace uncivil methods of discourse. Conservatives and liberals have convinced many to denounce progressive values through their lies and manipulation. This must stop. We must disrupt and prevent all those who wish to spread lies to the public. Good ways to go about this include censoring bad ideas and canceling problematic individuals. If this isn’t enough then we must stop them by whatever means necessary. Now, let me just say that I am not advocating for any violence at all. I do, however, believe that our goals can best be achieved by silencing individuals who spread lies and gaining as much attention to the movement as possible. Whether it be through loud activism, rioting, or even the destruction of property, any publicity is good publicity. Once we gain the power we deserve, we can employ more drastic measures. Ideally, all white, cis-racial, cisgender men will be re-educated in subsidized colleges on the values of social justice. If Whitey does not comply, then he will be sent to the mandatory labor camps where he will moderate internet websites for alt-right trolls and Russian bots. Once we gain the reigns of power, then we can create a truly free and democratic government.
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LET’S TIK-TALK ABOUT TIKTOK
Let’s Tik-Talk About TikTok By Not Matt Gagliano
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nyone who knows me knows that there is nothing I love more than social media. Any free time I may have I always spend on my phone, scrolling endlessly through the intelligent and thought-provoking content that exists on all social networking sites. There is quite literally nothing I love more in life than posting every little thing that happens in my life online, and getting validation from a bunch of strangers. Well, except maybe ruining someone’s life because they said the word “retard” when they were 5 years old, obviously all ableist pigs like that deserve death, and I love playing a role in taking them down. To be completely honest with you, I don’t know what I would do if social media didn’t exist; probably read a book, or get a job, or something like that. Gross. Anyway, as the self-proclaimed social media expert, I have determined that there is one specific social media platform that is superior to all others: TikTok. Why is TikTok the best, you ask? Prepare to have your mind blown, because I’m about to spit some straight facts. Also, if you like this article, make sure you drop a like and follow me on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Reddit, Facebook, Snapchat, Pinterest, Myspace, and Google+. The first reason that TikTok is the social media queen is because all of the videos are super short. This is good for two reasons. First, I don’t have to watch the same video for more than a minute, which is very helpful because what if I notice something shiny near me? You really expect me to continue watching a long video when there’s something else going on that I could be caring about? Cringe. If your video is longer than a minute, then clearly it’s made for super smart scientist people or something, because I don’t know anyone that can stay focused on one thing for longer than that. Second, in addition to being easier to watch, shorter videos are also easier to make. If you think about it, a TikTok is essentially just a tweet in video form. Oh my God, that sentence is going to do
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numbers on the r/im14andthisisdeep subreddit! Essentially what I mean by that is a TikTok video could just be something I thought of while taking a dump, and all I have to do is stick a camera in front of my face, say that random nonsense, and boom, I made content! It’s so easy to make content when I don’t have to put any thought or effort into it, and honestly it’s one of my favorite things about TikTok. Speaking of making TikTok content without putting any effort into it, have you guys heard of TikTok’s duet feature? TikTok’s duet feature is the best feature on any social media platform. Periodt. What it does is it allows you to take someone else’s video, and
make a video side by side with it, so you can film yourself reacting to it. Honestly, it’s so great that I can just duet someone’s super hilarious TikTok, and spice it up with a video of me laughing next to it. In case you’re wondering, no, this is not just taking someone else’s TikTok and passing it off as original content. I put a video of myself laughing next to it, that means I contributed just as much as the other person did, and therefore I deserve just as much credit in creating that TikTok. Being able to gain popularity by “borrowing” another person’s TikTok is definitely a huge factor in why I love TikTok so much. As my final piece of evidence, I would like to talk about a real world example of TikTok improving someone’s life. Yeah, you read that right; TikTok is that amazing. Last summer,
I worked as a counselor at a summer camp. My group of campers were between 10 and 11 years old, so most of them either had a TikTok account, or at least knew what TikTok was. There was this one camper, whose name I’m obviously not going to say, (doxing is only ok if you’re doxing someone who hurt someone else’s feelings), who didn’t seem as into the camp activities as the other campers. I tried to talk to her, to see if there was any way I could improve her camp experience, but I was met with a shoulder shrug, as she continued to look disinterested with whatever activity we happened to be doing. The only time I ever saw her genuinely excited to be at camp was at the end of the day, when she was allowed to take out her phone and go on TikTok. That is the power that TikTok has. This camper was miserable when she was not on TikTok, she simply couldn’t enjoy anything unless there was a screen in her face playing videos of people dancing to the same five songs over and over again. It is truly heartwarming that TikTok was able to provide enjoyment to this camper, who, for some reason, seemed to have lost her enjoyment for everything else. If that doesn’t convince you that TikTok is the one true god of social media, then I don’t know what will. Thank you everyone for reading. Don’t forget to like and subscribe, and check out today’s sponsor: The CCP!
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THE ABCS OF CANCELLATION
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The ABCs Of Cancellation By Our Staff
We here at Binghamton Reboot believe that there are some things that should simply not be allowed to exist in society. After all, anything outside of our leftist ideology is a complete stain on our culture, and those that even think about such ideas should IMMEDIATELY FEAR BEING IN PUBLIC SPACES! Therefore, the best possible thing to do with such problematic things is to rally a mob of people and get them cancelled! So, we decided to prepare a list of things that ABSOLUTELY NEED TO BE CANCELLED, FROM A TO Z!!! We hope you enjoy:
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merikkka: Is there any way to ignore the blatant, systemic oppression of a good portion of the population throughout our country’s history? To make a better America, the entire thing needs to be cancelled, IF NOT COMPLETELY DESTROYED! inghamton Review: For over 30 years the racist, sexist fascists at the Review have been spewing their hateful content at our beloved University. If anyone needs to be cancelled to make this college a safe, welcoming environment, it should be the Review...
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hristianity: Not only does Christianity fuel bigotry, racism, and sexism...yeah, that’s it. Religion is stupid and Christianity is the stupidest of them.
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r. Suess: The “red fish” in “One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish” implies that Dr. Suess is a conservative, therefore he must be canceled. It should be “Black Fish, Gay Fish, Trans Fish, Latinx Fish”.
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lephant: The symbol of the most racist political party in America. Republicans, if you’re reading this, stop your cultural appropriation. Elephants belong to Africa and Asia, not America!!
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reedom: If you leave your house for any reason, you WILL kill my grandma. No, it was definitely you, NOT Cuomo! 8
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ender binary: Humans aren’t meant to be put into boxes, and traditional gender roles serve only to please those cisgendered white men in power. Ancient cultures had fluid genders; damn Western civilizations ruined it for the rest of us! eterosexuals: How boring, right? Either these folx are some of the most sexually dull people alive or they’re slaves to societal expectations of intimacy and romance. Bring a fursuit and a strapon or get out.
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BM: A racist company, founded by a Nazi sympathizer, that employs Binghamton engineering students. How terrible can you get?
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eff Bezos: How dare one man create a service so ubiquitous to modern life that national and international commerce would collapse without it? His workers are exploited, even with their $15 minimum wage. Maybe we need to bring that guillotine back to his house? In protest, of course!
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avanaugh: How did this rapist trust fund kid get to be one of the most powerful members of our entire federal government? We’ll simply be ignoring all of his judicial rulings until the day he dies, which will be a wonderful day.
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andlords: Imagine being so lazy that you only make your money off of people that cannot afford land. There’s absolutely no risk involved in acquiring private property; who says any one person should “own” it? Mao had the right idea. Vol. XXXIII, Issue IX
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icroaggressions: It’s the current year. Watch what you say and how you act against historically marginalized populations. We didn’t think this had to be said in *the current year*, but it bears repeating. ancy Pelosi: She’s horrible, but we hate her for different reasons than those deplorable Republicans. Saying that the Democratic party is fundamentally capitalist, stalling the clear grassroots progressive movement in America, and simply being in office well into her 80s means that Pelosi is the one thing between fresh, eager activists and real change. ompa Loompas: Orange men bad!
enises: Society has progressed beyond the need for cisgendered men. Let’s keep a few around for furthering the human race and sterilize or disenfranchise the rest.
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anon: Need we say more? These horrible people are anti-science, conspiracy-touting maniacs (ableism suspended for the moment). They desecrated the halls of our democracy and put everything we’ve worked for at risk with their lies. Plus, ALL REPUBLICANS AND LIBERTARIANS BELIEVES IN QANON!!!!!
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everse racism: How do you cancel something that doesn’t exist? Easy: repeat that it doesn’t exist. Keep in mind, especially white people that claim reverse racism is real, that racism’s LITERAL definition is “power plus privilege”. White people are the only group in today’s world with overall privilege, therefore it isn’t reverse racism, it’s PREJUDICE, which is SO much better...
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ilence: It’s violence. If you’re not standing up for the downtrodden, you’re actively enabling oppressors. Never stop revolting against systemic oppression.
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THE ABCS OF CANCELLATION
ommy Gagliano: Tommy has a history of publishing racist, sexist and generally offensive material...hold Tommy Gagliano and his writers accountable under the hate speech and Binghamton publication expectations of the student conduct handbook. ltimate, Smash Bros.: One of the people who played this game competitively turned out to be a pedophile. Therefore, anyone who plays this game must be a pedophile. This game has also been the topic of two Binghamton Review articles, so clearly it is also racist. We honestly don’t know which is worse. Please take a shower. olcels: These bigots claim that they abstain from sex because of their “Morality” but we all know that they’re doing to so they can refuse sex to trans people. How dare they commit these violent acts of transphobia!
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hite people: Even after acknowledging one’s own privilege because of one’s skin color, a white person cannot be truly free of the inherent violence that their existence means for BIPOC and AAPI folx. The best hope for them is to make constant apologies for their race and give financial help to marginalized communities.
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enophobia: This bigoted attitude led to the humanitarian crisis at the southern US border. In fact, its the main reason we even HAVE borders. Therefore, we must IMMEDIATELY CANCEL BORDERS!
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outube: This social media site is home to racists such as Ben Shapiro, Stephen Crowder and Dave Rubin. If you use it, only stick to bread-tube and Contrapoints.
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ionists: Fueled by colonizers in the wake of the two World Wars, Zionists stole the land of Palestine from its rightful inhabitants. BDS for lyfe! We’re sure this movement couldn’t possibly have antisemitic undertones at all...
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A MICHELIN STAR REVIEW OF C4
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A Michelin Star Review Of C4 By Charles Forman
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s the lead reviewer for the Michelin Star guide, the restaurant review guide put out by the tire company, I have been around the world to eat food at the world’s most exotic locations. Now, my journey has taken me to Binghamton University, where I will be hosted by the world-renowned meal service, Sodexo. I want to take our readers on a tour of this acclaimed cafeteria, where I will be overviewing the different foods they have available, as well as the scenery and service provided. My first stop on my journey brought me to what the locals call C4. Oddly, enough, they took the liberty of naming the building after plastic explosives. The exterior of it just makes you know that delicious food is waiting on the inside. When I was walking in, I could tell by the professional lighting and the combination of the indoor and outdoor lighting that this was going to be an experience to remember; it brought me back to the time I was in Waffle House with the power out. As I walked into the eating area, I noticed the peculiar modern architecture that lies within this dining room. The contrast between the outside of the building and the inside of the building makes it feel like you are walking forward into time by one hundred years. After walking for about a minute, I found myself in the main dining room. The first thing I noticed is how many options they have available. It is no wonder why this is regarded as one of the best places to eat by the locals. With so many stations to go to, I was not sure which station I should approach first. I highly doubt they can make all this food taste so good, so we will have to see which station is best. Walking in a straight line ahead, I passed the exotic salads, which I heard were fresh-cut every day. Behind the salads, I saw a variety of sandwiches and wraps, which make for a good snack or addition to a meal. However, upon taking a closer look at the tomatoes, I could tell they were more than
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a few days old, and the cut up meat in the salad looks like it has been left out for a few days. Nevertheless, I kept walking until I hit a dead end, where a short line of locals were standing in line to get some food ahead of me. Elegant desserts to my right presented me with a whiff of sweetness that reminded me of a summer at the beach. To my left was an assortment of dairy products. After waiting in a short line, I went to get my food, where I was presented with a smorgasbord of freshly cut meats, vegetables, and other local starches. It seemed that everything here was delicately handled all the way from farm to table, and then left out on that table for a while to then be put back into a fridge and served the next day on the meal line. In a place where they serve food as delightful as C4, you can really tell that this is luxury. I returned back to the salad bar where an Italian cuisine station catches my attention. There, they are serving pasta and an assortment of chefschoice pizza. It really made me feel like I was back in Italy eating pasta; however, I cannot understand why they would put that thick creamy sauce all over it. Sodexo knows how to make a perfect pizza, and I could tell from just one look. I picked up a slice to test it out. I then returned to something a little more nutritious: salad. There were so many options, and I did not know what to pick. Seems like they are pretty international here. However, it almost feels native with how good some of the stuff here looks. After picking up a salad, I went back to where I started from, where
they offer the utmost important station in the entire room: The American cuisine station. Here, they have a wide variety of meats and starches cooked in oil, which are locally sourced. From this station I picked up some artificial meat, otherwise known as a Beyond Burger. When I saw this American cuisine, I was taken back by its magnificence. I have rarely seen such an international offering, let alone the level of variety they have here in C4. Now it was time to try the food. As I sat down with all of my various food, I do not know what to try first. These options were all so exquisite, and it was hard to decide which one is best. When I began to eat the food, I felt like I was being transported to a new world, where food is some kind of magical mystery ride. I could tell from the first bite that this food was delicately cooked with care. This food may have been the best thing I had ever tried. Having eaten in multiple countries and hailing from the hub-ofall-restaurants, New York City, I was shocked by how filling and delicious everything at C4 was. I could not believe the wide selection they had, and how they were able to offer it so well. It almost felt like this was the best 2-day old food that I had ever had. The stomach pains that would accompany me for a few hours were probably the most worthy pains I ever had after eating places. Food poisoning is not a match to C4, and no people should be grateful for the opportunity to eat in such a wonderful place. While I may never have the pleasure of having another meal as pleasant as my meal was at C4, I will always cherish this meal, and will remember it on my adventures as a food-reviewer. The disgustingly wide selection and perfectly cooked fruits, vegetables, and meats made this experience one of my favorite experiences, and that is why I am happy to be adding C4 to the Michelin Star guide of restaurants around the world.
Vol. XXXIII, Issue IX
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
BINGHAMTON STUDENTS BAD
Binghamton Students Bad By Madeline Perez
H
ey you! Are you a student who goes to the University of Binghamton? Well, listen up because I’m about to lay down some HARD TRUTHS that some of you just might not be able to handle. The most pressing one is this: Binghamton students as a whole need to learn to simply be better people. Are you struggling with the transition from the in-person educational system you knew and grew up with your whole life to online schooling? Well, checkmate, fellow peers and classmates, because last time I checked, online school was actually easier. Forget about the eye strain and headaches and backaches you’ve been getting from looking at your laptop for over 9 hours every day. Literally, just take Advil. Or buy blue light glasses. Or buy a better back. If you can’t learn while feeling like you’re watching a video of some rando doing five practice problems for two hours and calling it a day, it’s clearly a problem of your intelligence. And yeah, so what if the curriculum got harder? We know you dirty birdies are just cheating every chance you get, so now every student must be tested at the level as if they are already cheating. No, obviously this would not incentivize cheating. Idiot. Never-ending coursework should not worry you if you’re managing your time well. If your instructor is unclear on what they expect, in turn you can’t start the paper until they decide to respond. Just figure it out on your own, dumbo. Oh, boo hoo, the baby can’t do their math- and science-based homework because the concepts are hard enough to grasp when in person, let alone through online learning. Just go to office hours! What’s that you say? Office hour sessions are consistently filled with upwards of 8 people and due to this, you can never get sufficient one-on-one help? Just read the online textbook. It worked for me! I’m sure you have the time to reteach yourself concepts you already can’t understand. Speaking of time, you lazy fucks have
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the gall to complain about not having enough breaks from your intense, eye-straining curriculum when it’s clearly a mistake in your own time management. You already got Saint Patrick’s Day (“rejuvenation day” to the libs); what’s next? The month of April? I don’t think so, kid. Maybe you should be like me, and simply learn to be better. You stinky Binghamton students are always whining, “Waa, I have legitimate mental health concerns only augmented by this time of intense stress and worry both for my health and the health of my loved ones.” Well, it seems to me that you haven’t read your class syllabus, buster. It clearly states in nearly every class syllabus that there are “resources on campus” to help you. What’s that? The counseling center put you on a waitlist? You have serious problems that don’t go away after you talk about them? None of these “resources” can even begin to alleviate the horrific stress you face on a daily basis? Welp, tough luck, kid, because thems the breaks. Back in my day, you just had to routinely leave class and miss out on your education to throw up and have panic attacks in the bathroom. There was none of this PC “students struggling with mental health concerns need better quality accommodations and help” garbage. Have you tried not having an anxiety disorder? If you don’t have a dining hall, that’s literally on you. Suck it up, buttercup, because sometimes life gives you challenges, and sometimes your college takes away your source of food. I always hear vegetarian and vegan students complaining, “Waa, the dining halls aren’t serving nutritionally sufficient foods to supplement my diet so I must either eat unhealthy garbage that makes me feel like shit or starve on the 5 baby carrots the dining hall charged me two dollars for.” First of all, LOL vegans are cringe. Secondly, just change your diet?? It is so easy to just denounce the ethical/religious
systems that constitute your beliefs. Also, if it’s so bad, just use the unreliable buses to take you to the nearest Walmart to do your food shopping, and use your non-existent free time to cook for yourself. Did you know that every dorm building has one stove? And forget about the dining plan you paid nearly $3,000 for this semester that will not be partially refunded. Just forget about it. Stress management is super easy. You just have to keep powering through and ignore your feelings, like I do. Ever heard of the phrase “roll with the punches?” However, this is not without consequence. Sometimes, you may feel yourself getting very sleepy, your temples throbbing from looking at a screen for so long. You may put aside your laptop and hold your head. “Strange,” you may think. You can’t focus on work anymore…You can’t…seem to focus on anything… The room may fade around you, the noise and bustle of the outside world reduced to a low hum. There’s no harm in resting for a moment, right? To forget about your classes for tomorrow? To stop thinking, if only for a moment, for your work of today? It’s not really your choice. You may feel unconsciousness, like lead in your veins, pulling you down to the bottom of a warm, cozy lake. It might hurt, this break from yourself. This retreat into your own head, leaving the shell to work, leaving the body to deteriorate. Why should you care, though? You’ll be living in the soft fuzz. The world is muffled here and couldn’t touch you if it tried. The stress of daily living can’t affect you because that’s not really you. You may feel the spirit of hard work and education fully possess your body and, like a switch, you may lose all sensation. Until you come back. That is, if you ever decide to come back. Surely nothing bad can come of this.
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FIREARMS THAT SHAPED AMERICA, PART 3 OF 3
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Firearms That Shaped America, Part 3 of 3 By Ron Jestuccia
T
he United States of America is polarized, there are many issues that people disagree about, and insert a third general and obvious statement here. One of those issues that people disagree about is guns. For those that may not know, guns are firearms that shoot things at people or other things. The libtards want to take away the guns, but the chad conservatives know that guns are epic. Guns have been a part of American history, and have shaped America. For those who may not know, my alter-ego John Restuccia discussed two firearms that shaped America last year, but never finished the trilogy. So I am here to tell you about the third gun that shaped America. There have been many firearms that have shaped America, so it is hard to choose just three to focus on. For those that might not know, the
“I don’t know, but the Ray Gun still gets the job done, because it’s just that epic.” two guns that John Restuccia chose to focus on were the Brown Bess and the Colt Peacemaker. Both were very important guns in the shaping of America. For the third gun, I will have to choose something that had a big impact. Something that was widely used, and that was so instrumental in making America what it is today, that one could argue that it even “shaped America.” These are, of course, the qualities that determine whether or not a firearm has shaped America. There is really only one true choice. The third firearm that shaped America is obviously none other than the Ray Gun. The Ray Gun was first used in the infamous “World at War” war against the Nazi Zombies back in 2008. For those that may not know, “World at War” was also the first war to be
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fought mostly by 12-year-old soldiers, who shouted insults about the zombies’ mothers as they shot the zombies dead. The 12-year-olds were conservative chads of course, because libtard soy boys that wear fedoras could never handle themselves in combat, even if they were able to get permission to fight from their girlfriend’s boyfriend. The Ray Gun was able to blast zombies unlike any other firearm of the era. For those that may not know, the Ray Gun is a gun that shoots rays. It was the most sought-after weapon by zombie fighters, and the most effective at killing zombies. This makes it a gun that shaped America. The Ray Gun became perhaps even more important during the “Black Ops” war that followed. The zombies returned, and 12-year-olds once again used the Ray Gun to shoot them dead. Or, uh, whatever happens to zombies when they get shot. I guess they don’t really die, since they’re already dead, right? So how does shooting them do anything at all? I don’t know, but the Ray Gun still gets the job done, because it’s just that epic. Surely a gun that can kill something that is already dead is worthy of being called a
firearm that shaped America. The Ray Gun continued to be the most effective gun at killing zombies, and therefore shaping America, for the following decade. 12-year-old and 30-year-old soldiers alike used the Ray Gun to destroy many more zombies than they could have with other guns. For those that may not know, 12-yearolds are people that have been alive for 12 years, and 30-year-olds are people that have been alive for 30 years. The Ray Gun played an important role in shaping America, and that is why it is a gun that shaped America. As stated previously, the Ray Gun is a gun that shaped America. Guns are important, and the Ray Gun is an important gun in American history, and that is why it is a gun that shaped America. Its effectiveness at defeating zombies during the “World at War,” “ Black Ops” and other wars in the 2000s and 2010s made it an important firearm in American history. It is important that we fight back against the gun-grabbing libtards so that we can continue to have more guns that shape America in the future. The Ray Gun killed lots of zombies, and that is why it is a gun that shaped America.
Vol. XXXIII, Issue IX
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Birds Aren’t Real
BIRDS AREN’T REAL
By Sara Traynor
B
irds. I used to love birds. Being ignorant and in denial of the truth used to suit me. That is... until I received a message from Kathleen Lu and Nora Hines. I received the message on what I thought would be a run-of-the-mill, lazy Sunday afternoon. I was lying in bed, thinking about doing homework, when my phone buzzed. What I saw would force me to swallow the avian red pill and change my life — for better or for worse. “As you know, birds aren’t real,” the message from Kathleen and Nora read. “I’d like you to write an article to raise awareness and, possibly, save our nation from their tyranny.” As I read this message, a crow cawed outside of my window. I shivered. “What do you mean, ‘birds aren’t real’?” I asked, palms sweaty. “Oh...” they responded. “You don’t know the truth.” I glanced out my window. A bird flew by. I drew my blinds. “What’s the truth?” The response: “Are you sure you want to know? You could put down your phone right now, and choose to live your life in blissful ignorance.” Did I want the truth? The prospect of what it might entail seemed
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daunting. But, however terrified I may have been, I am a journalist. I must seek the truth at all costs. I swallowed my fear, and, steadying my shaking hands, typed: “Tell me.” They told me the truth with no hesitation, responding with the quickness of people who have stared into the face of death and lived to tell the tale. The face of death, as you may have inferred, looks like a bird. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “How could birds be deadly? They’re so cute!” I know this is hard to process, but they’re not cute: they’re imminent threats to our personal freedoms. Birds (as they’re commonly called) used to exist. But they were all killed in the 1950s, and swiftly replaced with drones by the government, so they could keep tabs on all of us. The birds we see today are still those drones — and at any moment, they might strike, mercilessly murdering anyone who questions their authority. Yes, it seems outlandish. Yes, it’s an absolutely terrifying prospect. I’ll be the first to admit that I was scared out of my mind, and even shat myself a little when Kathleen and Nora first exposed the truth to me. But it’s real. Kathleen and Nora are connected to a larger organization of freedom fighters who dedicate their lives to raising public awareness of this long-buried government conspiracy. The organization is called “Birds Aren’t Real,” and they have agents all throughout the country. Anyone can join, so long as they’ve been birdpilled. The Bird Brigade has four sectors, all committed to exposing the govern-
ment’s lies through various creative means. Each sector represents a different region of the United States, with their own set of monthly activities. Kathleen and Nora, who are a part of Sector 3 (the Northeast region), are required to put stickers up on campus (as some of you may have noticed), as to raise awareness. Every other month, they are given tasks by their sector’s president. Whoever invents the most creative task wins a prize for their efforts against our tyrannical surveillance state. When I asked what drove them to join this organization of freedom fighters (besides the flying threat to our safety), Kathleen and Nora both agreed on the social aspect. “Birds Aren’t Real” has connected them with people all across the Northeast region. Since COVID has shut down all of our social lives, the organization gave them an opportunity to meet new people, get cool stickers, and receive fun merch — and all while safeguarding our national security. So, if you’re looking for a way to spice up your life, join the Bird Brigade. At the very least, you’ll meet some new people. And at most— you’ll save the world. No “birds” were harmed in the writing of this article.
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NATURE PRESERVES STANDS IN THE WAY OF QUARANTINE HOUSING
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Nature Preserves Stands In The Way Of Quarantine Housing
By Mirder O. Crows
C
ontroversy strikes Binghamton University again, as students are both outraged and elated from the latest announcement made by Vice President of Student Affairs Brian Rose today, on April 1st, 2021. Due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, many students felt dissatisfied with the current university policy in regards to quarantine housing. Students have voiced a plethora of complaints: there is hardly any quarantine housing left, the dining hall for CIW have closed, and those already sick with COVID-19 are crammed into shared rooms for over ten days before they get better. However, the latest announcement by Vice President Rose seems to simultaneously ease these concerns as well as raise new ones: the nature preserve, a historic part of Binghamton University, will be cut down to make way for quarantine housing. In a brief email sent to the student body, Rose starts off by noting the overall increase in COVID cases, stating that “...when I first emailed you all on March 3rd about the rise in positive tests, it was 40 to 50 students testing positive. Now, it’s 100 students a day. Seriously, are you guys even trying?”. Although Rose stressed that there was no one truly to blame for this sudden rise in COVID cases, he did provide one observation: “Damn it, Greek Life!”. It is still unclear which Greek Life organization Rose is referring to. Harkening back to the start of the academic year, Rose recalls a shared press conference with both President Harvey Stenger and Provost Donald Nieman, in which they collectively voiced their confidence in the student body. To this, Rose states, “You idiots are making us look bad! Stop going out and getting sick! We need to look somewhat credible to the public!”. It is after this point that Rose makes his controversial announcement: “To compensate for the increased cases of COVID-19 *cough* because of GREEK LIFE *cough*, the University
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has begun immediate construction of extra quarantine housing in place of the nature preserve.” He then signs off the email by writing, “I personally blame Greek Life.” The construction of these new quarantine houses is already underway, with the University providing temporary housing via FEMA tents for sick students until construction is complete. The current plans for construction require that one third of the nature preserve be completely knocked over and replaced by several buildings. The construction company, Paving Paradise Co., has gone on record stating that although the historic site will be gone, they plan on naming the buildings created after things that were lost in the woods to honor the nature preserve. Current building name suggestions include Binghamton’s Dignity, Harvey’s Toupee, and Mothman. In addition to the new housing, the University also plans to build another dining hall using an additional one third of land. According to a spokesman for the University, this dining hall is meant to provide overpriced Sodexo food to starving residents, and is expected to open sooner than the Hinman dining hall. The remaining third of the nature preserve will be used to construct another new ice rink for students to skate in that literally no one asked for. Additional space will also be used to make additional parking space. When asked about this and why this was necessary, the spokesman responded, “We know no one asked for this—or wanted this—we just gotta spend the budget we were given without actually renovating stuff students actually need!”. Unsurprisingly, the reactions from the student body have been mixed. Many voiced their displeasure with the decision, arguing that such a site is essential to the student body. One student, upon being asked about why she disapproved of the decision, responded by saying, “Like, I don’t
get why the administration has to make extra quarantine housing from the nature preserve. Now where am I supposed to smoke?” At the time of writing this, several environmental student groups have been protesting outside the construction site. Their current plans for stopping construction include chanting “If we don’t get it, SHUT IT DOWN!” and smoking weed. However, this reaction isn’t universal; other students have stated that the extra parking space would be beneficial to the student body. “I know it’d be a bummer to lose the nature preserve, but just think about it! Now we can smoke in our cars in the new parking lot, instead! Oh, and new quarantine housing is also kinda nice...”, said another student. Construction has nonetheless been continuing as scheduled. However, some have now argued that the release of the vaccine from companies such as Pfizer and Moderna make these extra quarantine houses unnecessary. Some have even done as far as to say that the University’s handling of the pandemic has been unprofessional and unclear, even with the announcement of these construction plans. In a personal correspondence with Vice President Rose about this development, he responded by saying, “Look man, I’m just doing this to get back at Greek Life. I don’t care what students actually think!”. Construction of the extra quarantine housing is expected to be finished by the end of the semester.
Vol. XXXIII, Issue IX
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
OLD WHITE MEN TO THE RESCUE!
Old White Men To The Rescue! By Sadtrick McAwful
A
s a verified Twitter user that has my mask on in my profile picture (never too careful!), I, like many of you, have suffered drastic mental and emotional harm over the last four years. Tr*mp’s meteoric rise to sole dictator of the United States gave me full-on panic attacks every time I received a CNN news alert. Orange Man’s administration put children in cages, tried to repeal the Affordable Care Act, and showed the ugly face of capitalism at every turn. When the pandemic struck, our federal government had no concrete plan to lock down the country like China and the nations of Europe, the citizens of which can now enjoy the pleasures of daily life as Americans watch on like Squidward out his bedroom window. All I can do is thank the nondescript universe for finally replacing this geriatric, mumbling, stumbling white man with an experienced, well-spoken, virile white man on November 3rd. The administration of President Joe Biden (I just came a little) will undoubtedly change things in America for the better, and progressivism finally has a chance to gain ground through the actions and policies of a man with more than 47 years of political experience. President Biden hasn’t held a press conference for months, instead relying on press secretary Jen “Circle Back” Psaki to convey his message of unity and calm to the American people. You may think he’s simply in the early stages of dementia; I only see a man that no longer vies for the publicity that 45 did. Tr*mp lived for the camera and wanted to be the public face for his fascist, nationalistic movement. President Biden knows that he doesn’t need to necessarily appear in public - especially in the middle of a PANDEMIC - to remind the people that the adults are back in charge. Look at the precautions that his campaign insisted on during the election: a light travel schedule for the President; CDC-approved measures to increase
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safety during the debates; crowds at campaign stops that were certain to not be super spreader events. That zealous regard for the safety of others, otherwise known as being a decent fucking human being, was severely
“The author of the 1994 Crime Bill...will usher in a new era of peace and equality for all marginalized peoples in America.” lacking in 45’s approach to the pandemic, if it wasn’t already apparent from the way he conducted himself in the three years prior. The man was impeached twice, for Fauci’s sake! I look forward to a scandal-free four years under President Biden. Perhaps the biggest human rights abuse perpetrated by the United States government occurred in Orange Man’s dictatorship. Thousands upon thousands of undocumented immigrants looking for asylum were detained at the US-Mexican border, facing deportation back to their struggling nations or the separation of children from their families. What kind of a monster allows that policy to continue? When I saw the NBC projection that Joe Biden had won the presidency, my cat turned to me with tears in its eyes and said, “Daddy! No more kids in cages!” What’s that? You say that even media sources supporting my worldview are reporting that border crossings have only increased, and children are still being detained at record rates? Not to mention that the so-called cages were built during the Obama administration, of which President Biden was a part? Calm yourself, Trumper; President Biden had to inherit 45’s mess. You can’t expect everything to be taken down and disbanded in a matter of a few months, can you? Better yet, the inhumane ICE conditions that Tr*mp established are a thing of the past; separated children are in “migrant
shelters” now, not cages. (By the way, it’s very out-of-place for journalists to ask to reinspect the shelters, and I applaud the Biden administration for not allowing anyone from the media to see them as they work to certainly take them down.) President Biden campaigned on and flipped Georgia blue for the promise of $2,000 stimulus checks to every American as pandemic relief, stopping the Republican plan to bleed Americans dry at this time of crisis. The $600 during Tr*mp’s term definitely counts towards that, and if you were expecting an additional $2,000 and not the $1,400 that equals that total, you must have clearly misunderstood when he said exactly that former thing during the campaigns. Recreational marijuana may also finally be within reach as a federal program because of how progressive the President’s new administration is, especially with “Mama-la” Harris in the White House to assist him. I stand by President Biden’s decision to fire several of his staff members for past marijuana use, and his stunning and brave choice for Vice President, in spite of her crackdown on nonviolent drug use in California. Ignoring these things clearly means that President Biden is on the right track to furthering the progressive agenda that we’ve waited for for so long. I stand with my President, and the next four years of another old white man in the White House will be nothing if not a return to normalcy and decency. The terror of Tr*mp is gone and the Republicans have been held at bay. The author of the 1994 Crime Bill, assisted by a Vice President who has had a rocky past of jailing minorities for nonviolent drug crimes, will usher in a new era of peace and equality for all marginalized peoples in America. If you disagree, you must be a bigoted Trump supporter, and there’s no way that this man who most likely has dementia will ever falter in his progressive mission.
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