November 2014 costa link magazine

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Well last month started off a bit wet and dreary but seems to have quickly turned back into sunshine all round, we are so lucky to have such fab weather here on the Costa del Sol! So settle down with this month’s Costa Link Magazine maybe with a nice cup of tea and a biscuit (or five)!

We have a fantastic buy TWO get ONE free advertising offers for the Christmas and New Year period, why not give us a call on 951 216 131 or 663 061 669 to get your business busy for the festive period. Yes, Christmas is just around the corner (I’m getting excited already) and I’m making a pact with myself to not leave everything to the last minute this year, although I’ll probably be eating my words in the next Ed’s note!

If you like me have an embarrassing oven issue (i.e. smoke pours out every time you turn it on) Oven Cleaning Costa del Sol will clean it with steam for you see page 51 for more details.

Don’t forget, to avoid disappointment book your Christmas parties and meals now, we have a great idea for small business Christmas parties on page 31. Have a great month!

in the November Magazine

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Medical Section... Advice from dentists to help on diets the A-Z of medical healthcare on the Costa del Sol. If you need any advise on any medical matter look here...

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AM’sW: “THE RULES” from our side of the fence side GRRRRR!

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All Revved Up... This month we are looking at the police cars in Dubai, we don’t know who the chief of police is but he is obviously a major petrol head.

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What’s On Guide... Showwaddy Waddy to mushroom picking in Monda also you can join in the fun on a 43.7km run up a mountain see page 62.

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Solutions on page 80 Puzzle It Out... Puzzles galore challenge those little grey cells.

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Kids Page: Dora and Backpack have musical going’s on. Spot the difference, games & more...

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Business Directory... Can’t find that all important contact information see page 76.

Like Us

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Solutions on page 80 Trivia Quiz... Pit your brains against the TRIVIA QUIZ, questions for all ages from 6 -116!

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The Jokes Page: Laugh out loud, we did! Get some giggles in on page 72!!!

Facebook

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Women’s World: It’s funny how relationships change over time... LOL on page 8!

Call: 951 216 131 or 663 061 669 Email: sales@costalinkmagazine.com

Website: www.costalinkmagazine.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/costa.link.spain Whatapp: 663 061 669 6

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No part of this publication, including layout, graphic design or pictures may be copied, SCANNED, used or reproduced without our prior written consent. Costa Link Magazine accepts no responsibility for alterations to events listed, claims made by our advertisers or information provided by our contributors. All rights reserved © 2014.

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A Woman’s World 50 SHADES OF DINNER...?

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went...

My engaged friend...

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress...

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story...

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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HOT GOSS!

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WHO IS DOING I'M A CELEBRITY 2014? It's not quite time for Ant & Dec to start packing up their golf clubs, but the early rumours on who might be taking part in I'm a Celebrity (celebrity is a used in the broadest of terms cos well, some of them are...) 2014 have already started flooding in they are as follows: 1) Robbie Savage, 2) Tulisa, 3) Mel Sykes, 4) Teri Hatcher 5) Alex Reid (Jordan’s Ex), 6) Chloe Sims (TOWIE) 7) Gemma Collins (TOWIE), 8) Dynamo, 9) Brianne Delcourt (Dancing on Ice), 10) Michelle Keegan, 11) Tom Daley. These 11 stars should be jetting off Down Under to munch on kangaroo balls and many other tasty grubs and insects - lucky you guys!

FASHION LEGEND OSCAR DE LA RENTA HAS DIED AGED 82... One of the biggest names in fashion, Oscar de la Renta, has died at the age of 82 weeks after completing Amal Alamuddin's wedding dress for her marriage to George Clooney. We are so sad about this as he makes (in our option) some of the most magnificent creations that grace the red carpet. What are LA’s celebrity stylists going to do now…?

GEMMA COLLINS IS LEAVING TOWIE TO BECOME THE NEW OPRAH...The star wants her own chat show. No, no, NO! This is simply not acceptable! Gemma Collins is leaving The Only Way Is Essex to front her own show. The reality star is said have grown bored of her repetitive role on the series and is planning on becoming a chat show Goddess just like Oprah. The former car saleswoman Gemma will be off to a good start with the next leg of her television career as she’s rumoured to be heading into the I’m A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! jungle this month. She's also has her own plus size clothing range and runs a fashion boutique in her home county of Essex. But, like fellow current cast member Lydia Bright, she may be back in the future, we hope so we’ll miss you GC!

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HOT GOSS!

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KIM KARDASHIAN CHARGES A WHOPPING MILLION DOLLARS FOR ENDORSEMENT DEALS, SAY WHAT?!?! Slapping Kim Kardashian’s face across a brand seems to make good business sense. After all, barely any of the world’s population are now physically able to resist buying something that promises to shed even the tiniest bit of light on how to enlarge your bum and contour your face quite like that. (We’re still mystified - how is she doing it?) Yep, it turns out that companies have to cough up the hefty sum of a million just so they can get Kim to mutter a few monosyllables about their product and be in some pictures with it. Still in the words L’Oreal - which we really hope Kim gets asked to say sometime, because that would be irony at it’s finest – it must be because she’s worth it. Right?

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS TO HOST OSCARS… The former How I Met Your Mother star is no stranger to hosting big ceremonies - he previously hosted the Tony Awards four times, and the Emmy Awards twice. He said...”To be asked to follow in the footsteps of Johnny Carson, Billy Crystal, Ellen DeGeneres, and everyone else who had the great fortune of hosting is a bucket list dream come true. The 87th Academy Awards will air live on 22nd February, 2015.

DON'T PANIC... it's only the Dad's Army remake! Star-studded new cast start filming movie version of classic TV comedy. The new Dad's Army film have been spotted out on manoeuvres as they begin shooting the movie remake of the classic comedy series. Stars including Catherine Zeta-Jones, Michael Gambon & Daniel Mays were seen in their Home Guard uniforms after they began making the new film in the Yorkshire countryside. But producer Damian Jones insists the remake will remain faithful to the original and pictures of the set appear to show the look of the new film is similar to TV series. Bit before our time but it looks like it’s going to be a cracker...

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The Lone ranger & Tonto The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into an ice cream store and sat down for a sundae.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the ice cream store to finish his sundae.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

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seven kinds of sex Recent research has shown that there are 7 different kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called:

Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first

meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex which means you get Nun in the

morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS... The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little

each month. But not enough to live on!!

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TRIVIA QUIZ

1) In 1066, prior to the Battle of Hastings, King Harold fought another battle that shares its name with which football club’s ground?

2) Which children’s fairy tale author was born in 1805?

3) Mussolini became Prime Minister of Italy in which year?

4) Who was Chancellor of the Exchequer in Britain during the 1926 General Strike?

5) In which year did William the Conqueror order the compilation of the Doomsday Book?

6) Who was Henry VIII 3rd wife?

7) ‘What hath God wrought’ were the first words transmitted using which form of communication?

8) Who was the winner of the 2014 Great British Bake Off? 9) What is the name of the hospital in Casualty?

10) What was the name of the number 1 single from David

Bowie’s Scary Monsters Album?

11) Who was the lead singer with the Human League?

12) What was the name of the café in ‘Allo ‘Allo?

13) Which newspaper did Superman work for?

14) Who sang the theme song for the film Goldfinger?

15) The song ‘If I were a rich man’ comes from which musical?

16) Who played Rita in the film ‘Educating Rita’?

17) Which Beetles album cover featured the foursome walking across a zebra crossing?

18) Which TOWIE star is dating Ricky Rayment?

19) What is the unit of measurement for relative loudness?

20)What is the alternative name for nitrous oxide?

21) How many sides does a nonagon have?

22) Who was famous for his theory of gravity and 3 laws of motion?

23) In medicine, what does the abbreviation OD stand for?

24) What breed of dog is the tallest in the world?

25) What is the name for an animal that only feeds on plants?

26) What is the name for a baby kangaroo?

27) Who killed John Lennon?

28) Which Scottish poet was also employed as a customs and excise officer?

29) Who is associated with the quote ‘A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse’?

30) Which novelist also writes under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith?

Answers on page 80

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ONLY THE IRISH Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday

morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

I

nto a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy come’s in, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp....

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little bugger, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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ONLY THE IRISH A

n Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A

Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

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ORDER, ORDER well out of order...

A selection of Lawyer Jokes!

The lawyer says: “I have some good news and bad news” His client replies: “I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.” The lawyer says: “Your wife invested £20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of £2 million ...”

The client replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed!”

“You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “These pictures are of you in bed with your secretary ...”

An old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no friends. Just before he died he called his doctor, lawyer and minister together around his bedside. "I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me you throw the envelopes in."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly right, I am going to confess, I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."

The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000."

The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount."

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Medical Tips

MEN’S HEALTH

Let’s face it men are known to be more indifferent towards their health, especially when compared to the efforts of women, who proactively and publicly address their health issues in a way not traditionally seen with men. As a result, today the levels of awareness, understanding and funding for support of male health issues, like prostate cancer, lag significantly behind causes such as breast cancer.

doctors’ appointments when they feel ill or for an annual check-up, thereby denying them the chance of early detection and effective treatment of common diseases.

HAVE AN ANNUAL CHECK-UP Getting annual checkups, preventative screening tests, and immunizations are among the most important things you can do to stay healthy.

DON’T SMOKE! If you do smoke, stop! Compared to non-smokers, men who smoke are about 23 times more likely to develop lung cancer. Smoking causes about 90% of lung cancer death in men.

BE PHYSICALLY ACTIVE If you are not already doing some form of exercise, start small and work up to a minimum of 30 minutes of moderate physical activity most days of the week.

ENJOY A HEART HEALTHY DIET Fill up with fruits, vegetables, whole grains; include lean meats, poultry, fish, beans, eggs, and nuts; and eat foods low in saturated fats, trans-fats, cholesterol, salt (sodium), and added sugars.

STAY AT A HEALTHY WEIGHT Balance calories from foods and beverages with calories you burn off by physical activities.

MANAGE YOUR STRESS Stress, particularly long-term stress, can be the factor in the onset or worsening of ill health. Managing your stress is essential to your health & well being and should be practiced daily.

DRINK ALCOHOL IN MODERATION Alcohol can be part of a healthy balanced diet, but only if it’s in moderation, which means no more than two drinks a day.

KNOW YOUR FAMILY HEALTH HISTORY Start a discussion with your relatives about the health issues they’ve had in the past. Be sure to learn about relatives that have passed away.

Statistics show that, on average, men die at a younger age than women – the average life expectancy for men is four years less than women (presently 78 compared to 82). That said, despite trailing the women’s health movement, things are beginning to change, but much more progress needs to be made to close the gap between the state of men and women’s health. Established taboos and barriers relating to The reasons for the poor state of men’s health in the men’s health are gradually being broken down.

UK and around the world are numerous and complex It’s not all bad news! Maintaining a good diet, smart and this is primarily due to a lack of awareness of the lifestyle choices and getting regular medical checkhealth issues men face. This can largely be attributed ups and screening tests can dramatically influence to the reluctance in men to openly discussing the sub- your health. Regardless of age, stay on top of your ject due to longstanding traditions, coupled with an game by doing the following: ‘it’ll be alright’ attitude. Men are less likely to schedule

Clinica Medicare is a Preferred Partner of “medilink” Your British Health centre here on the Costa del Sol. For more information on Clinica Medicare or any of our other Preferred Partners call “medilink” on 952 93 38 76 34

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Medical Mayhem

An 85-year old man is having his annual check up.

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling. “I’ve got an eighteen-year old bride who’s pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs …his umbrella instead of his gun. So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM ! The beaver drops dead in front of him. “That’s impossible!”, says the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that beaver.” The Doctor says, “My point exactly.”

During his annual check up examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level. The man described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

I narrowly avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills and fell in a sand pit.

I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees and the mental stress of it all left me shattered.

So at the end of it all I drank six beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "Wow, You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," replied the man, "No, I'm just a bloody awful golfer"....

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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Health Well Being &

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WINTER HEALTH

It may still be wall to wall sunshine here of the Costa del Sol but it is good to start preparing for the winter months now this is our step by step guide for better health this Winter. There are ways you can help avoid those coughs, colds and bugs that seem to be all around us this season.

EAT FRUIT: Fruits especially the berries (blueberries, blackberries, cherries, strawberries) are naturally high in vitamin C, bioflavonoids and antioxidants. These all help with your immunity levels. Other sources are apricots, peppers, kiwi fruit and broccoli.

VITAMIN D3: We rely on the action of sun on our skin for our main source of vitamin D, so our levels can go down when the days get shorter and darker. Most of us associate vitamin D with ensuring adequate absorption of calcium for our bones (which is one of its many important functions), but it also plays a crucial role in the normal functioning of the immune system. Many of us can become deficient in vitamin D over the winter because even when outdoors with some skin exposed, very little vitamin D is produced due to the angle of the sun during the winter months. A daily dose of vitamin D3 can therefore help to fortify the immune system through the colder months.

ECHINACEA: is a fabulous herb which ‘modulates’ the immune system, which simply means that it helps to teach it what to do, thereby rebalancing it, meaning it can function better. Echinacea is also a powerful lymphatic cleanser‌ Echinacea stimulates the overall activity of the cells responsible for fighting all kinds of infection.

ZINC: Zinc is essential for the immune system and healing. Enjoy seafood (especially oysters) and nuts and seeds (especially pumpkin and sunflower seeds).

HONEY: Manuka honey has great health benefits. Enjoy this delicious tasting food and stay healthy.

STAY ACTIVE: When its cold outside its difficult to get out there and do some exercise but try to! Research has shown that exercise is another way to help your immunity.

BIN IT: Don’t leave dirty tissues or hankies lying around - it can also spread your cold. When you cough, sneeze or blow your nose the secretions that end up in your hanky or tissue are teeming with the virus that’s making you sick.

These viruses can survive for some time once they leave your body, so when you leave a tissue for someone else to pick up you’re actually leaving a little virus bomb to go infect someone else’s hands. So throw away any used tissues and wash your hands straight away.

SLEEP WELL: Your immune system helps you fight off common infections. Poor sleep and insomnia can affect our immune system so make sure you get plenty of rest.

VITAMIN C: There is considerable evidence that Vitamin C (also called ascorbic acid) plays a vital role in many immune mechanisms. Infection rapidly depletes the normal levels of vitamin C. Remember that bugs stay active on a surface so avoid touching too many public places such as escalator rails or cash point surfaces.

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5IF UFBN BU Medi$BSF VOEFSTUBOE UIF " GVMM SBOHF PG TFSWWJDFT DPWFSJOH OFFE UP TFF BMM PG PVS DMJFOUT BT JOEJWJEVBMT BOE UBJMPS FWFSZ DBSF QBDLBHF UP NFFU ZPVS t 1PTU PQFSBUJWF DBSF SFIBCJMJUBUJPO t 4USP PLF 3FIBCJMJUBUJPO TQFDJmD OFFET t 1BMMJBUJWF $BSF t 0SUUIPQBFEJD 3FIBCJMJUBUJPO Established on the Costa del Sol since 2001 t 3FTQJUF $BSF Telephone: 952 835 776 t %JTUSJDU /VSTJOH 4FSWJDFT 24 Hour Helpline: 667 733 520 t (FOFSBM $BSF F 4VQQPSU -JWF *O $BSF t &TDPSUUFE 3FQBUSJBUJPO )PNF www.medicarenursingser g vices.com Quality in every aspect of care as well as support in times of need! info@medicarenursingservices.com

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Top 10 facts about

HEARTS

1. Worldwide, 17.3 million people die every year from heart disease or stroke, which account for 31% of all deaths.

2. Aristotle believed that the heart was the source of intelligence and the main function of the brain was to cool our blood.

3. Every day, your heart creates enough energy to drive a medium-sized truck 20 miles.

4. The sound of heartbeats is made by the four valves of the heart opening and closing.

5. On average, women’s hearts beat about 10 per cent faster than men’s.

6. The heart of an unborn baby begins to beat about four weeks after conception.

7. The heart of a blue whale weighs about 1,500 lb.

8. The words ‘heart’ and ‘blood’ can be found in every one of Shakespeare’s plays.

9. Blood enters the heart through its atriums and leaves through the ventricles.

“Atrium” is Latin for “entrance hall” and “ventriculus” means “little belly”.

10. A hummingbird’s heart beats about 20 times a second. A blue whale’s heart beats between four and eight times a minute.

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ORDER, ORDER well out of order...

A selection of Lawyer Jokes!

Continued One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass.

He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?" The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford anything thing to eat." So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guys says, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you." The lawyer replied, "You're going to love it here... the grass is a metre tall!"

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a pain to the nurses! He was rude and arrogant! and he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and said, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, “I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a daffodil."

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A Man’s World

“THE RULES”

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2) Football on a Saturday. It's like the full moon or the changing

of the tides. Let it be.

3) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

4) Crying is blackmail.

5) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!

Just say what you have to say it!

6) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

9) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

10) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

11) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us because you won’t like the answer.

12) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

To be continued...

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20 HELPFUL TIPS FOR WORNOUTPARENTS

1. Lower your standards for cleanliness and order.

2. Did that? Lower them even more.

3. Your house will never look like it’s out of the pages of a glossy home magazine again, END OF! Embrace it...

4. No matter how many baskets you buy to contain toys, they will always be visible. Barbie pink, Ben 10 green get to love it, embrace the Toys ‘R Us/ student house look!

5. You can never have too many Ice-pops in the freezer. How many bad moods have been fixed by a simple Ice-pop?

6. If you can’t change them, change your perspective. For example I read recently – probably on Satan’s website Pinterest – that toothpaste is great for cleaning things like taps. So now when I go into the bathroom every day and see toothpaste splatter all over the bathroom tap I think about how my children have done half the chore of cleaning for me. How considerate of them!

7. Those chores that no one ever wants to do. Decide if you would rather do it yourself, badger your child to it, or let it go. If you are confused about what to do, see Number 1 on this list.

8. No one cares what is stuffed under your child’s bed, why should you. Unless it is old food. In that case, you should get a dog.

9. If you have boys, your bathroom will always faintly stink like pee. Invest in some Febreeze and count down the days until they move out and you can go visit them and pee on their bathroom floor.

10. Don’t buy white furniture. Unless you enjoy screaming at your children every time they go near it.

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20 HELPFUL TIPSFOR WORNOUTPARENTS

11. However bad a situation might seem, one day it will be funny. I have a few for which I am eagerly awaiting for the funny to kick in. Any time now‌.

12. When your child is a young teen there will be nothing more embarrassing than your very existence. Use this to your advantage. Start planning early.

13. Do not paint any walls in your house with suede effect or any other non-washable paint.

14. Be okay with letting your kids stumble sometimes. Whether that is handing in their homework late because they didn’t do it or wearing an outfit so hideous you have trouble looking at them without laughing.

15. Noise cancelling headphones are great for blocking out whining, bickering and the endless episodes of Peppa pig.

16. Socks do not have to match. Every day is Crazy Sock Day at my house.

17. The crayons will break and it is okay to throw them away rather then save them to make some sort of craft that involves the hair dryer. In fact, I give you permission to not feel guilty about all the crafts you know you will never do.

18. Your children will not die from eating the occasional Mcd's or frozen pizza. And by occasional I mean more than you are really willing to admit.

19. If your children are driving you crazy arguing with each other, start an argument with them. Then your children will bond over their mutual hatred of you and be quiet.

20. Last, but not least, some chocolate & some really bad TV makes everything seem a little better.

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ALL REVVED UP...

DUBAI POLICE CARS

We have all heard about the fantastic cars that the super rich in Dubai are driving. The problem that the police have is that with a high level of crime and super fast cars – the cops can’t catch the robbers. So the police have had to buy a new fleet of cars to keep up!!!

This shot outside the police HQ shows the BMW M6, Gran Coupe, Mercedes SLS AMG , The Lamborghini Aventador, Aston Martin one-77, Ferrari FF, Bentley Continental GT, Ford Mustang Roush.Other cars include a Mercedes SL63 AMG a Skyline GTR, a Bugatti Veyron, an Audi R8, a Chevrolet Camaro SS and a 700 BHP Brabus Mercedes G Wagon.

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The worst day of my life...

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a huge, Tattooed biker walks up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one gulp, the whole drink, IN ONE‌.

"Well, what are you going to do about it?" he says, with his fist in my face. As I burst into tears the biker says, "Come on, man," "I didn't think you'd CRY, dude I was just messing with you" "This is the worst day of my life," I cry‌

Everything and I mean EVERYTHING has gone wrong, I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me, there on the spot. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

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Marble Floor Polishing Phone Paul: 654 589 218

Before

After

Free advice on how to care for your floors at www.marblefloor.info

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Strangebuttrue...

These Strange But True Facts Will Really Surprise You

These strange, but true facts will leave you scratching your head…

Horrifying: During WWII there was a killing contest between two Japanese officers. A race to see which one of them could kill 100 people first using only a sword. It was covered like a sporting event in Japanese newspaper with regular updates on the score over a series of days.

So tragic: when Janni Schofiled was not even a month old, she was able to correctly identify colours. At 1 year old she could read. At 18 months, she could speak fluently. What her parents originally took for genius turned our to be a mask for something much darker caused by child-onset schizophrenia.

I’m pretty sure that’s grounds for divorce: Susan Kuhnhausen, an overweight and middle-aged women from Oregon overpowered and killed, with her bare hands, a hitman her husband had hired to kill her.

The city that never sleeps: If New York City were it’s own country, and the NYPD was it’s army, it would be the twentieth-best-funded army in the world, just behind Greece and just ahead of North Korea.

Weird science: Mayim Bialik (Amy Fowler from the Big Bang Theory) has a PhD in Neuroscience but is also Anti-Vaccine.

Strange to think it used to be legal: Crystal meth was invented in Japan. At first it was used to curb hunger and energize Japanese citizens. Later it was given to Kamikaze pilots, soldiers and wartime factory workers. It is now controlled and distributed by the Yakuza.

Apple probably wouldn’t be as cool today if this had happened: When developing the Macintosh computer, Steve Jobs wanted to add a small mysterious character who would appear after about every 1000 times you used an OS UI element. He would wink at you and disappear so fast that you wouldn’t be sure he was real.

GARDEN CENTER L I N D AV I S TA

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Ctra de Cadiz, Km171,29670, San Pedro de Alcantara, Behind McDonalds in San Pedro. Tel; 952785206

CLM©2008

H UG E R A N G E O F: P O TS lG A R D E N T O O L S lP L A N TS F L O W E R S & SH R UB S lGA RDE N F UR NIT URE lGARDEN ORNAMENTS

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FINANCIAL NEWS

The Markets are now calmer after mid Octobers sell off, it seemed as though investors panicked after bad data from Germany and the Euro Zone. The pound took a bashing after lower than expected Core CPI and CPI figures from the UK, the CPI dropped to a 5 year low, catching the markets off guard as they were expecting a more modest slowdown, the markets were expecting the figure to be around 1.4%, with an actual reading of 1.2%, this was mainly down to food and fuel prices declining. Due to the low figure, the Bank of England has decided to keep interest rates on hold.

CPI = Consumer Price Index. Change in the price of goods and services purchased by consumers; Consumer prices account for a majority of overall inflation. Inflation is important to currency valuation because rising prices lead the central bank to raise interest rates out of respect for their inflation containment mandate.

It was not good news for Germany either, we had German ZEW Economic Sentiment, the forecast was for 0.2% it came in at a terrible -3.6%, Industrial production was also down in the Euro zone, Germany cut its growth forecast for 2014 and 2015 to just 1.2%, there are now real fears of a triple dip recession in the euro zone. A lot of this down turn in Germany was due to the tit-for tat sanctions on Russia, Italy has already lost €2billon worth in food exports to Russia, the EU is expected to lose about €40billion euro in 2014 and €50billion in 2015 again due to the sanctions against Russia.

Looks as though Russia and China are cementing their relationship even further, they have agreed on a currency swap worth over $20 billion. A 3-year Rouble and Yuan currency swap has been agreed in order to help boost trade, this will also lessen the dependence on the USD and the EURO.

With Christmas round the corner its time to start watching your pennies, Euros, dollars, to find out how Moneycorp can help you achieve more for your money, please contact Moneycorp on 0034 952 587 657.

Please mention Costa link when contacting Moneycorp.

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What’s On Guide...

1st November 2014: THE MUSIC OF SHOWADDYWADDY, for one night only!!! For more information call the Teatro Salon Varietes, Fuengirola on: 952 47 45 42 or e-mail: boxoffice@salonvarietestheatre.com.

6th to the 12th November 2014: Medieval Market, Jaen with themed traditional games, street theatre, handicrafts and good stalls. Part of the Programa de Animación of Jaen's Ruta de los Castillos y las Batallas (Castres and Bateles Route).

7th to the 11th November 2014: OH WHAT A LOVELY WAR! Is on at the Teatro Salon Varietes in Fuengirola the classic musical of modern theatre. For more info and to box tickets call: 952 47 45 42 or e-mail: boxoffice@salonvarietestheatre.com.

10th & 11th November 2014: The Twitface Open is a charity golf tournament for amateurs..! The Twitface Open, is being held over 2 days available at the amazing price of just €289, to be held at Finca Cortesin with a fantastic prize fund and a great array of prizes!Entry is limited to eighty players so please call before booking online to check current availability on: 671 027 229 or email: info@twitfaceopen.com.

15th November 2014: The XIII Jarapalos Race takes place in Alhaurín de la Torre. It is the Andalusian Individual and Club Mountain Race Championship 2014 and covers a distance of 43.7 km with a total variation in altitude of 5,200 m and a difficulty coefficient of 112. There is also a parallel trail for youth and junior categories covering an approximate distance of 12 km and a total variation in altitude of 500 m. For more information see the website : www.maratonjarapalos.com.

14th, 15th &16th November 2014: The VIII Micrological Workshops this is a unique opportunity for lovers of wild mushrooms organised by the Town Hall in Monda. Examples will be collected from Moratán and Bornoque. There will be live cooking workshops, where you can learn how to cook and savour this delicacy. For more information times etc call 952 45 72 00.

21st November 2014: Open Day at the Estepona Business Centre, get ahead with your Christmas shopping - for more information please see page 45.

Every Monday: 11 am – 1 pm: Age Care Drop In where people can chat, share experiences and find out about living in Spain at La Iglesia Bar, near Bonanza Square, Benalmadena Costa.

Every Monday: Arts and Crafts Fair in Benahavis at 8pm in the Main Square in Benahavis.

Every Tuesday: The Costa Women Coffee Club meet every second Tuesday at 10am – 12.30pm for coffee, chats and other activities and is a social group designed to get ladies of all ages together. It’s best to join the group via Facebook or contact Emma on 608 408 771.

Every Tuesday: Dance with JiveSpain Miraflores Resturant from 8pm - 11pm. For more information see website at www.jivespain.com or call Colin on: 635 717 211.

Every Tuesday: 11 am – 1 pm Age Care Coffee Morning at the Baptist Church, Calahonda, where people can chat, share experiences & take part in a variety of activities. Tel: 952 933 409 for info.

Every Wednesday: Dance with JiveSpain at El Campanario, San Pedro, from 8pm - 11pm.

Every Thursday: Dance with JiveSpain at Tikitano Restaurant, Estepona from 8pm - 11pm.

Every Thursday: Market at Calypso, Calahonda Every Thursday: 10 am – 12.30 pm: Age Care Drop In where people can chat, share experiences and find out about living in Spain at Manilla Bar, Paseo Maritimo, Los Boliches, Fuengirola.

Every Thursday: Flea Market from 9am next to Aldi in Las Lagunas, plenty of parking.

Every Friday: Dance with JiveSpain at Hotel El Goleto, Duquesa from 8pm - 11pm.

Every Sunday: Dance with JiveSpain take over the dance floor at Atalaya Park Hotel.

Every Sunday: Flea Market EVERY Sunday 10am till 2pm at Calypso, Calahonda.

Every Sunday: FAMA have a car boot sale at the Hippodrome from 9am - 2pm.

Every Sunday: Craft Market every Sunday in the Marbella Marina on the Teresa Zabell Pier: 12-6pm.

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If you have an event, fundraiser or anything else please let us know... email: editor@costalinkmagazine.com phone: 951 216 131 or 663 061 669

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ocal Info Emergency Numbers

---

Central number for Fire, Police & Ambulance National Police Local Police Guardia Civil dica

Medical

112 091 092 062

Emergency 061 Ambulance Marbella 902 505 061 Ambulance Coin 952 453 267

Health Centres

Town Halls

Marbella 952 761 100 San Pedro 952 453 020 La Cala de Mijas 952 493 208 Fuengirola 952 589 300 Estepona 952 801 100

Fire Brigade

Emergency number 080 Marbella 952 774 349 Estepona 952 804 483 Fuengirola 952 461 046 British Ireland Denmark Sweden Germany France U.S.A

952 952 952 952 952 952 952

Marbella Coin Estepona Fuengirola San Pedro

952 771 442 952 822 818 952 822 818 952 467 457 952 785 252

352 475 226 604 212 226 474

300 108 373 383 442 590 891

Tourist Information

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Bus Stations Marbella 952 764 400 Coin 952 450 366 San Pedro 952 781 396 Estepona 952 800249 For a list of complete times www.andalucia.com/travel/bus Train Timetables 902 240 202 Airports Malaga 952 048 844 Gibraltar 956 773 026

Marbella 952 769 946 Coin 952 452 767 San Pedro 952 787 700

Consulates

Transport

Markets

Monday - Marbella (fairground site on east side) Tuesday - Fuengirola (fairground near Los Boliches) Wednesday - Calypso (Mijas Costa & Estepona (Avda. Juan Carlos) La Cala - Feria ground Thursday - San Pedro (Recinto Ferial) Alhaurin el Grande - (La Fama) Saturday - Coin (Calle Urbano Pineda) & Nueva Andalucia (Next to Centro Plaza the Bullring).

La Cala - Feria ground.

Sunday - Puerto Estepona (Marina).

Cinemas

All the Cinemas listed below show films in English as well as Spanish. Call first to check what is showing that week.

Marbella: Cinesur Plaza del Mar 952 766 941 La Ca単ada 902 333 231 Puerto Banus: Gran Marbella 952 810 077 Coin: La Trocha 951 315 039 Fuengirola Cinesur Miramar 902 221 622

Chemists

24 hour chemist Urb. Artola, Ctra. Cadiz Km 194. Marbella.

Tel: 952 83 25 89

Taxis

Marbella Taxis 952 774 488 Mijas Costa Taxis 952 476 593

Diary Dates

01/11/2014: All Saints Day Public Holiday).

28/11/2014: Thanks Giving.

if you would like to sponsor this page please call 951 216 131

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S TA R S I GN S

A look at what's in store for you during November 2014.....

Capricorn

Aquarius

Aquarius, you'll go through a less exuberant month. It's as if you have been forced to face some constraints, as if you couldn't go where your heart wants to be. If you are in a solid relationship, it's possible that obstacles will be thrown at you from all angles. No matter the situation, think carefully about the reasons for the frustration: could it be that you wish for too much? Aren't you aiming too high? The atmosphere will become more relaxed in the last weeks of November 2014. Professionally speaking, things will go quite well.

You'll probably have to take an important decision towards the end of November 2014, but you'll have all the information necessary for taking a good decision. Pay your bills on time and don't take rash financial decisions! You'll need a balanced lifestyle this month. Eat fresh food and drink lots of water, also try and relax when you can.

Pisces

Pisces, you'll definitely have a lot of action in this month! As if it wasn't enough that the great and enthusiast Jupiter is in your sign Mars has also joined the party! Jupiter will urge you to adventure, will make the opposite sex literally drop at your feet. It'll urge you to take the first step, to openly state what you feel, to do things you probably wouldn't have dared to do before. The position will be excellent for new relationships to begin. At work by the end of the month, some aspects related to studies or maybe a trip will be clarified. Success will start to show, and the greatest accomplishments will come in the last.

November 2014 you'll really have a fighter's qualities. Mars will sharpen the combative spirit and will dare you to compete. Try to be patient with others though and pay more attention to communication!

Aries

Aries, for the first part of November 2014, your love life will be slightly on the gloomy side due to the Venus and Saturn being in close proximity. There might occur misunderstandings about money or spouse/partner might have financial problems. Fortunately, the second part of November 2014 will be much more favorable to Arians. Venus and Jupiter will be bringing you lots of happiness and fulfillment.

You can also expect a trip with a romantic purpose or an affair with somebody from far away. November 2014 will be a very ambitious month, but it can be rather tough. You will have to have very strong motivation, which can make you push the limits in order to reach your aims. Aries' financial area will be very active in November 2014 and you could make quite a lot of money, but you'll have to be prudent, especially in the first part of the month. Try look at things in a more open-minded way!

Taurus

Gemini 66

Capricorn, Venus will enter your sign on November 5th and stay for four months, meaning until March 5th 2015. Venus is the planet of love will bring remarkable events all around you. With a bird's-eye view, this four-month period will bring Capricorn people some extra emotion and sensuality and will open the gate to love. People often fall in love under such transits, but there are also cases in which the transit only prepares the field, and love comes a few months later. On the work and career front the chances for success will be high, and opportunities will (obviously) come through other people: friends, partners, acquaintances, etc. You'll have the tendency of being over preoccupied with others' problems. Make more time for yourself!

At the end of November 2014 you'll nevertheless have a clear picture and you'll probably make a carefully considered decision.

Taurus, November 2014 will be an intensely emotional month for you it will be jam packed with important changes and decisions to be made. You'll be looking for love and understanding and you'll want to share everything with your significant other. There will be relevant events and you might make important decisions, either together with your partner, or concerning them. Collaborations, contracts and partnerships will have great importance for Taurus in November 2014. Finances will become your main point of interest in the second half of November 2014. If you have had problems in the past few weeks, in November 2014 you can be relieved, as the situation will unwind a bit. There will still be stress, certain pressure that will make Taureans find it rather difficult to relax. Maybe take a trip of have a short break from work, especially in the second part of the month.

Gemini, the past months have brought material issues on the home front these issues will last until March 2015. The most common scenario will be you and your partner initiating a large-scale financial operation such as the purchase of property. Or maybe a joint project you will get involved in with a lot of money to be managed. Anyway, it is certain that relationships will not be related to romance; on the contrary, they will be all about business. Even the assessment of potential new romantic partners will take place through the point of view of the financial status. As regards work and career, you'll still have a fight on your hands. Throughout the month the situation will stabilize but may take long talks and a lot of meetings. Try to take it easy and relax this month make the most of your free time.

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Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Cancer, an important phase will begin this month: Venus will stay in Cancer's house of relationships for four months, from November 5th to March 5th 2015. The phenomenon will bring change within your relationships. In such periods relationships may break up, your living arrangements with partners will be thoroughly looked into the strengths and weaknesses will be evaluated any malfunctions spotted. This also usually brings along great thirst for love and it's not by chance that during such cycles a lot of people fall in love. If you are single this is a great time to find a new partner. Professionally, everything should be all right: your career will be energized by you’ll have a lot of strength you can rely on the enterprising spirit, on persuasion, on the sharpness of the mind - and on a bit of good luck! Don't rush into decisions this month!

Leo, your relationships could undergo a troubled period this month marked by misunderstandings regarding the family or properties. Another cause for a few niggles could be a discussion badly. The Sun eclipse on November 3rd will bring some clarification though. At the same time, though, Venus, the planet of love, will start an interesting game in your sign from the 5th of November 2014, this will last until March 2015. The configuration could have several meanings. One of them connects love to work and could be translated by the birth of a love story in the workplace. There will start a period that will emphasize the use of talents and work relationships. In November 2014 Leos will have a special preoccupation for investments and property. However, beware: keep an eye on the pennies this month as you will be good at spending money at the fast pace. Look to the future with optimism!

Virgo, on the love front this is a great time for you. Mars, the promoter of desires and passion, will have been in your star sign since the middle of October and will stay there until December 7th 2014.

And Venus, the planet of love will be pinging hearts and flowers at you on November 5th 2014. With such an planetary configuration, there's nothing else to do but enjoy love! You will be very likely to fall in love; however, the current relationship might provide satisfactions as well. If you don't have a relationship, keep trying and you will! At work and on the money front November 2014 will be an active month, and promises many accomplishments. With Mars in Virgo, you'll have a lot of energy you’ll work fast and you'll get results. Money will not steer clear of you. In November 2014 you'll attract funds very easily and receive assets that you're entitled to. Don’t rush, be careful about communications!

Libra, your love life will go through a more discreet period this month. Venus will demand privacy you will be preoccupied with the family and household. You'll probably take part in a family event or you’ll have guests to stay. Mars in your sign may bring you a period in which arguments at home might brew you may be worried or feel, loneliness or disappointment. Don’t worry this will soon pass. As far as your career goes things will move on and will go very well. Jupiter will see that you are offered favorable circumstances maybe even fame or prestige. You'll be very preoccupied with money-related issues re-calculate and then start again then financially things will become clear in November 2014 you might experience some inner restlessness or find it hard to relax. Take as much time off as you can or have a short break. Watch your back this month! Be careful this month someone is not a great, as they seem.

Scorpio, you like intensity and you'll have it. Venus and Pluto will be setting off all sorts of strong feelings and desires; they will be making you prone to possessiveness maybe even jealousy or obsession and making you take radical actions. That sounds very familiar, doesn't it? At the same time, Venus may be behind unexpected messages. Expect travel plans to arrive this month maybe a secret trip planned by a loved one. If you are single the person you'll be interested in might have intellectual preoccupations or could be somebody from your close group of friends or work colleges. The Sun in Scorpio will intensify your desire to shine on the work front, to impose, to climb the ladder. It will not be easy, but at the end of the effort success will be reached. Be careful what you promise and what comments you make about other people this month!

Sagittarius, your love life will experience less enthusiastic moments this month. Saturn in your sign may bring with it a tendency to worry or be disappointed. You may feel that others don’t understand you communication will be incomplete, faulty, maybe even absent. It is also possible that your partner will have problems that will definitely take their toll on you, as well. The situation will come back to normal step by step, but you'll have to have patience and particularly keep your confidence and optimism. At work November 2014 will be a very active month, in which you can advance a great deal. You'll have clearlydefined objectives, for whose achievement you'll fight courageously. Work will be profitable throughout the whole month and you'll be able to make good money. Relax mentally and physically and more than anything think positively!

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puzzle Link The Words

Solutions on page 80

it out

In each of these puzzles, three words are listed. All you have to do is find another word that can preceed each of these 3 words.

1)

____

OUT

3)

_____

NATIONAL VIEW

2) 4) 5)

___

____ ____

BOARD

FIGHTER MAN

CENTRE RING

FLY

BELL

GIRL

HOLE

SECTION

EXTINGUISHER

STEP

Guess The Celeb

A

B

Sudoku

70

Brain Teaser

There’s been a murder‌ One evening there was a murder in the home of married couple, their son and daughter. One of these four people murdered one of the others. One of the members of the family witnessed the crime. The other one helped the murderer.

These are the things we know for sure: 1) The witness and the one who helped the murderer were not of the same sex.

2) The oldest person and the witness were not of the same sex.

3) The youngest person and the victim were not of the same sex.

4) The one who helped the murderer was older that the victim.

5) The father was the oldest member of the family.

6) The murderer was not the youngest member of the family.

Who was the murderer?

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Crossword

Across:

1. Written communication (6) 4. Philatelist collects this (5) 8. Breadth (5) 9. Rants (7) 10. Decorated (7) 11. Secret communication (4) 12. Costa del --- (3) 14. Lake (4) 15. Simple (4) 18. Staff, sceptre (3) 21. Gain, merit (4) 23. Uphold (the law) (7) 25. Hellfire (7) 26. Candle in the Wind singer (5) 27. Type of eel (5) 28. Breathing complaint (6) Down: 1. Sheriff or marshal (6) 2. Immature frog (7) 3. Something which lifts or brightens (8) 4. Type, kind (4) 5. Connected with hearing (5) 6. Billboard, placard (6) 7. Seen in football boots and noses? (5) 13. These often arrive on the mat (8) 16. A relaxation or a long sentence (7) 17. Boredom, ennui (6) 19. Cleaning out the rubbish from your body (5) 20. A hiatus ---- is a common complaint (6) 22. Allude (5) 24. Lady Jane ---- the nine days' Queen (4)

Name The Film

A This 2012 movie makes a childhood B wish come true, John Bennett's teddy bear, comes to life testing his relationship with girlfriend of four years to the limit.

Going way back to 1987. Three bachelors find themselves forced to take care of a baby left by one of the guys' girlfriends.

Say What You See...

HE’S

LIFE

WALK H2O

sentenc_

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The Jokespage

Jokespage

A couple are lying in bed when the phone rings.

The man picks up the receiver, and says "No, mate you need the Met. Office for that", and puts the phone down.

His wife says "Who was that?"the man replies "Oh, some bloke asking if the coast is clear" !!!

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get them to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman...

“What do you do to get your tomatoes to turn so red?”

The gentlemen responded...

“Well, if you must know, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Since the woman had tried everything else she could think of and was out of ideas, she decided to try doing the same things to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks, she exposed herself to her garden, hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman...

“By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?

“No,” she replied...

“But my cucumbers are enormous.”

Two neighbors are talking to each other.

1st Neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so clever, he waits for the newspaper to drop on to the doormat then delivers it straight to me at the breakfast table?

2nd Neighbor: Of course, I know that.

1st Neighbor: Really, how?

2nd Neighbor: My dog came and told me.

72

A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him. He says. "Hey, you!

Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!"

The man does that.

The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

"I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!"

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet To buy Degas To make the Van Gogh.

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

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74

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76

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78

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puzzle Trivia Quiz Answers 1) Stamford Bridge 2) Hans Christian Anderson 3) 1922 4) Winston Churchill 5) 1085 6) Jane Seymour 7) Morse Code 8) Nancy Birtwhistle 9) Holby General 10) Ashes to Ashes 11) Phil Oakey 12) Café Rene 13) Daily Planet 14) Shirley Bassey 15) Fiddler on the Roof 16) Julie Walters 17) Abbey Road 18) Jessica Wright 19) Decibel 20) Laughing Gas 21) 9 22) Sir Isaac Newton 23) Overdose 24) Irish Wolfhound 25) Herbivore 26) Joey 27) Mark David Chapman 28) Robbie Burns 29) Richard III 30) JK Rowling

Answers from 26, 70 & 71

it out

Link The Words 1) Call

2) Key

3) Inter 4) Fire

5) Door

Guess The Celeb a) Tom Hanks

b) Julia Roberts

Brain Teaser

There’s Been a Murder...

Through a process of elimination we worked out that the MOTHER was the murderer.

Crossword Solution

Sudoku Solution

Name The Film

a) Ted (2012) b) 3 Men and a Baby (1987)

Say What You See

80

1) He’s Larger Than Life 2) Walk on Water 3) Incomplete Sentence

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