September 2013 costa link magazine

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September 2013 No78

Jokes Kids Page

The worst kept secret on the Costa del Sol

Local Info Horoscopes Puzzles & Quizzes What’s On Guide Business Directory

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See Page 63

tt he ro inside of you

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Wow it is hot, hot, hot....

and so humid, I can’t remember it being this sticky before or is that just me??

Also I can’t remember seeing so many hire cars on the road at this time of year before, and where do you park? When you hear so many stories of 2 or 3 hour queues for hire cars at the airport and temperatures in the 40s you can understand why so many people take August off work! So if you had a great time relaxing throughout August, welcome back!

I would like to wish loads of luck to The Rotary Club of Marbella, they are organising a sponsored walk around Benahavis on the 12th of October, take a look at page 59 for more info and please get along and join in if you can.

Don’t forget its’ s dia del touista (tourists day) in Torremolinos on the 5th of this month, loads of dancing in the street, people in traditional costume and even better – free paella! Is a great day and one not to miss.

What ever you do have fun and enjoy this month’s Costa Link!

Link!

Everyone Loves the Costa

CAR PAGE

Like us...

Facebook...

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Guide

W ha t’ s On

Puzzles

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TH E JOKES PA GE

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Contact Us Call: 951 216 131 or 663 061 669 Email: sales@costalinkmagazine.com Website: www.costalinkmagazine.com 58

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Skype: costalink.magazine Tweet: @costa_link Deposito Legal: MA-228-2007 Deadline Date: 18th of each month

No part of this publication, including layout, graphic design or pictures may be copied, SCANNED, used or reproduced without our prior written consent. Costa Link Magazine accepts no responsibility for alterations to events listed, claims made by our advertisers or information provided by our contributors. All rights reserved © 2013.

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WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT ADVERTISING FROM THE FOLLOWING BUSINESSES OR INDIVIDUALS: wMATTHEW JAMES REMOVALS

wDONALD MOORE - PSYCHIC HEALER

wCLAUDE SEYFFERS - FINCA LA CAPUCINE, MIJAS

wFRENK KERENS - BICAR IMPORT/EXPORT SL, MIDOS 4

to advertise in costa link magazine please call 951 216 131

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A Woman’s World It’s all about us girls!

I’ve started so I’ll finish...

A Woman’s Prayer...

A doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished - I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, ...a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.

Before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and young, One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speak, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and open my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'How big's my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to the end, And never attempt to hit on my friend.

And as I pray beside my bed, I look down at the clown you sent me instead.

Amen

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HOT GOSS!

KYLIE MINOGUE TO REPLACE JESSIE J ON 'THE VOICE' UK?... Kylie Minogue could be in line to replace Jessie J on The Voice UK, according to reports. BBC executives have offered the 45-year-old Australian popstar ÂŁ500,000 to join the show when it returns for its third series, claims The Mirror. A source close to the programme reportedly said that bosses are "pulling out all the stops" to ensure Minogue joins the 2014 mentor panel. The singer and actress was rumoured to have turned down a ÂŁ1 million contract to appear on The Voice UK when it launched in 2012.

BYE BYE, CHRISTIAN BALE! BEN AFFLECK IS BATMAN IN NEW MAN OF STEEL FILM... Listen up Batman fans, there's a new Dark Knight in town; Christian Bale has disappeared off for to live out his days in a superhero retirement home (presumably) and Ben Affleck has stepped up to take his place.

The Benman is officially the new Batman, swooping into Man Of Steel 2 to team up with Henry Cavill's Superman in the not-so-distant future. And fans of the DC Comics franchise just... well, they just don't seem very happy about it. Well, that's judging from the 500-strong petition they've got going, urging Warner Bros to reconsider their decision.

REAL HOUSEWIVES STAR TAYLOR ARMSTRONG IS ENGAGED TO LAWYER JOHN BLUHER... Two years after the suicide of her former husband. Taylor Armstrong is headed for another trip down the aisle. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star is engaged to John Bluher. Bluher slipped a ring on her finger on Thursday. The engagement took place at the St. Regis Punta Mita Resort in Mexico. Bluher had arranged for a tent to be sent up on the beach outside the hotel; a path lined with candles led his bride-to-be to it from their oceanfront suite.The two have not yet announced a date for their sure-to-be televised wedding ceremony.

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September 2013 Costa Link Magazine_Editorial Layout 8/26/13 12:18 PM Page 11

Your long term property rental specialists Tel: 951 190 490 Mob: 671 093 925 Website: www.costarents.com Email: info@costarents.com

Riviera del Sol: 2 bed, 2 bath apartment. Riviera del Sol. Short walk to all amenities. €575 per month.

Riviera: Large 3 beds, 4 baths unfurnished townhouse complete with storage room and large basement area with it’s own kitchenette. Available early August 2013. Only €950 per month.

PROPERTY SITTING EMPTY? MORTGAGE AND COMMUNITY FEES BUILDING UP?

@costarents For all the latest listings!

Near El Rosario: Offices for rent. Beautiful working environment, shared reception areas, canteen for staff, use of boardroom.

Electric & cleaning included.From €750-1400 PCM.

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RENT OUT YOUR PROPERTY

Search for Costa Rents For all the latest news and listings!

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HOT GOSS!

JAMES ARGENT FROM TOWIE HAS BEEN SPOTTED IN MARBELLA.. TOWIE SEASON 10 - James Argent from TOWIE has been spotted in Marbella. The TOWIE cast are well known in this neck of the woods…

Does this mean the Only Way is Marbs is being filmed soon - even now?!? WE think so if you want some of the fame get yourself to the TOWIE hangouts… Sisu Botique Hotel, La Sala, La Sala Beach, Tibu and Pangea.

IS GEORDIE SHORE'S VICKY PATTISON DATING TOWIE NEW BOY CHARLIE SIMS? Oh Vicky Pattison from Geordie Shore, what are you doing?

The single lass has been spotted out and about on a date with TOWIE's new boy, Charlie Sims - who's already got himself into hot water for cheating on his ex-girlfriend. The twosome were seen clutching on a date in London last month getting on, er, famously. Vicky - whose passion for tashin' on is well documented through the MTV hit show - broke up from her fiancé and fellow Shore star Ricci earlier this year and has since been getting over her heartbreak with a string of blokes.

WILL HARRY MAKE CRESSIDA HIS PRINCESS? CLAIMS PLAYBOY PRINCE WILL PROPOSE TO DANCE STUDENT GIRLFRIEND... Kensington Palace is expecting an announcement this year. Prince Harry is planning on proposing to his girlfriend Cressida Bonas by the end of the year, royal insiders have predicted. The Prince, 28, has been dating the 24-year-old dance student since July last year but sources have claimed the relationship has become far more serious and they are bracing themselves for an engagement announcement. Harry sparked rumours earlier this month when he whisked Cressida off on a romantic African safari, just like his brother William did with Kate in 2010 when he asked her to marry him. Oh we wonder when it’ll be!

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A GUIDE TO BEING 1ST TIME PARENTS A month or so has pasted and just because Kate Middleton and Prince William will have someone else to do night feeds, the actual Queen to babysit and a person whose sole job it is to remove all signs of baby vomit from their home, it doesn’t mean they’re not going to find this parenting business hard. Actually, it probably does, but let’s give them some advice anyway.

• You know how you used to talk about fashion, and politics, and books, and food and holidays?

Yeah, now you talk about poo. Poo chats are broader than you think. Areas for critique can include: colour, texture, aroma, quantity and stickiness, and you will be discussing all of this with the man you have sex with.

• Kate, just give in to temptation and taste your own breast milk. Wills, just give in to temptation and taste Kate’s breast milk. Apparently everyone does it!!!

• It's obligatory to tell friends that your baby is 'sleeping through the night' by the time they are three months old. If they are not sleeping through the night by the time they are three months old, then there is one thing for it, and that is to tell yourself that midnight until 3am is ‘the night’ and LIE.

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A GUIDE TO BEING 1ST TIME PARENTS N’T CO

• All hideous baby outfits bought by well-wishers must be worn and photographed, so you have proof that they were used before you take them down to the charity shop.

• You know the old expression; when your baby’s sleeping, you should be straightening your hair? OK, fine, it’s not an old expression, but it is a true expression. It’s the only time you’ll get to do it, Kate, and you have a lot of hair so stop reading this and plug in those GHDs. • Eco-friendly? Not any more, you’re not. Yes, that is the tumble dryer on again.

• You will never again eat wholegrain mustard. It’s best if we don’t go into why.

• If other parents look at your little boy weirdly because he looks like he’s wearing lip-gloss, just shout ‘IT’S NIPPLE CREAM, OK?’ in their faces. That should see them off.

• Put Dairy Milks/ Duchy’s Originals nearby for when you’re breastfeeding because sudden movements will wake the baby up, and you are going to need to mainline chocolate.

• And lastly remember no-one likes a baby bore, so do remember to ask people about their own lives too. Something like “Been to any good parties lately, Harry?” or “What’s that pesky husband of yours been up to now, Zara?” should lead to a fun, lively chat.

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TRIVIA QUIZ

1) Which battle was fought on the 14th of October 1066?

2) What is the name of a whale’s breathing organ?

3) How many counties have a land border with Cornwall?

4) Which 2 Cluedo weapons begin with the same letter?

5) Who had a 1980’s hit with ‘True Blue’?

6) Which poisonous substance is also known as ‘Woolly Rock’?

7) Which word can go before Down, Jumping and Off? 8) How many times is the word ‘Annie’ mentioned in the song ‘Annie’s Song’?

9) Which 1990’s western was directed by and also starred Kevin Costner?

10) What was first crossed by tightrope by Charles Blondin in 1859?

11) How many sides do most snowflakes have?

12) Who played Mrs Biggs in the 2012 drama with the same name?

13) Which drug is named after the Greek God of Dreams?

14) Which actor has just been made the 12th Dr Who? 15) Which game was originally going to be called ‘Lexico’?

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16)Which West London borough is famous for classic comedies?

17) Which nuts are used to make Pesto sauce?

18) ‘DEAR CASH’ is an anagram of which indoor game?

19) What was the name of the Spice Girls first No 1 single?

20)Which Geordie actor played the role of Spender?

21) Which country has the worlds’ longest coastline?

22) What does a ‘Pluvio meter’ measure?

23) Which female tennis player was the first to earn £1 million dollars?

24) The Dead Sea can be found in which 2 countries?

25) Which author also writes under the name ‘Barbara Vine’?

26) Which open-air zoo is near Dunstable in Bedfordshire?

27) Which ‘Alexander’ presents ‘Pointless?

28) The letter ‘M’ appears on which row of a standard keyboard?

29) Which cream contains the most fat – ‘clotted’ or ‘double’?

30) Who predicted that ‘everyone will be famous for 5 minutes’?

Answers on page 73

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ROBOT For Sale

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What?

At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mum laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son ."

The robot slaps the mother.

P.S. Robot For Sale

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A PSYCHIC SON! A man goes into his son's room to kiss him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare so the man wakes him and asks his son if he is okay. The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and tells him to go back to sleep. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare. The man again wakes his son.

The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and tells him to go back to sleep. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having yet another nightmare. The man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is okay and leaves the boy to get back to sleep. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life, he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. “Good God Dear” he proclaims, “I've just had the worst day of my entire life!” She responds, “You think your day was bad! This morning the milkman dropped dead on our doorstep.”

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVE!

Dave works hard driving a truck sometimes all day night when he gets a chance he spends his free evenings bowling.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she decides to take him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey Dave, how ya doing?"

His wife puzzled, asks if he's ever been here before?

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, the waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "Are you sure you've never been here before?".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.

"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife is furious and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her, but she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says........

"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

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Stocking only the very best in ladies fashion including leading quality designer labels Sizes from 10 to 20

(other sizes can be ordered)

Extensive Sales Rack.

Opening Times: Monday - Friday 11am - 6pm Saturday 11am - 3pm

Tel: 952 927 245

Avda. del Mediterraneo 4, San Pedro de Alcรกntara (near Da Bruno Restaurant, opposite the Fishing Boat)

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A Man’s World

LADS HOLIDAY OFFICIAL POINTS SYSTEM CON’T...

The official LADS holiday point system. One shall attempt to gain maximum points. The LAD who is first by the last night shall be granted a reward decided by the LADS. The loser shall be given a forfeit that he must abide by for the last night. Points can only be acquired once regardless of how many times the action has been made. Enjoy LADS....

3 pointers:

Have sex on the balcony • Have sex on the beach • Have sex in the sea • BJ in public (1 LAD must witness)

4 pointers: Have sex with the same wench as a fellow LAD

/12

• Complete the 10 shots in 10 minute challenge (40% spirits only) • Bed a rep • Steal a pair of knickers from a wench bedded and wear over shorts the next day/night as a trophy.

/16

5 pointers: Bed 3 different nationalities •Take a Viagra tablet before you go out • Whilst bedding every wench you shall shout out the wrong name.

At least one member of the LADpack must have heard.

Group Bouns Points: (2 points awarded for each) • Chant national anthem at any given opportunity (at least 10x) • Night of drinking with no hands (Certified by LADpack) • Change names over for a night (Certified by LADpack)

/15

TOTAL /64

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SANITAS HEALTH INSURANCE Whether you require a worldwide policy, or healthcare for Spain only, Sanitas have the solution The Xanit & The Hospiten Estepona are now covered by Sanitas Health Plans to Suit all Budgets

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Contact your English Agent, Susan Warner T: 951 272 124 M: 615 655 348 www.medisurespain.com info@medisurespain.com

Health & Well Being

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SUMMER HEALTH

In the warmer, longer, lazier days of summer, the living may not be easy, but your life probably feels less chaotic. That's why this is a perfect time to improve your health in a fashion so seasonally laid back you'll barely notice the effort. To get you started here a few hint and tips to get the bounce back into your over heated step‌.

BE GOOD TO YOUR EYES: To protect your vision at work and at play, wear protective eyewear. When outdoors, wear sunglasses that block at least 99% of ultraviolet A and B rays.

Sunglasses can help prevent cataracts, as well as wrinkles around the eyes. And when playing sports or doing tasks such as mowing the lawn, wear protective eyewear. Ask your eye doctor about the best type; some are sport-specific.

HOLIDAY TIME! Improve your heart health: take advantage of summer's slower schedule by using your vacation time to unwind. Holidays have multiple benefits: They can help lower your blood pressure, heart rate, and stress hormones such as cortisol, which contributes to a widening waist and an increased risk of heart disease.

ALCOHOL: GO LITE: Summer's a great time to skip drinks with hard alcohol and choose a light, chilled alcoholic beverage. A sangria, a cold beer, or a wine spritzer are all refreshing but light. In moderation - defined as one to two drinks daily - alcohol can protect against heart disease.

SLEEP WELL: Resist the urge to stay up later during long summer days. Instead pay attention to good sleep hygiene by keeping the same bedtime and wake-up schedule and not drinking alcohol within three hours of bedtime. It's also a good idea to avoid naps during the day unless you take them every day at the same time, for the same amount of time.

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Medical Tips

Summer is upon us and one of the most common complaints that we see during the holiday season

is “ear ache” One of the most common causes of ear ache or ear infection’s (swimmers ear) is poor swimming pool hygiene. Whilst the majority of pools will be well maintained, it’s the people who use them who are responsible for increasing the risks. All of the personal hygiene products that we use daily affect the chlorine and how well it works, so if you don’t shower before you swim you could be putting yourself or others at risk..

Swimmer's ear, the facts: •Swimmer's ear, or external otitis, is typically a bacterial infection of the outer ear canal skin and can occur in acute and chronic forms.

•Excessive water exposure and frequent instrumentation (usually cotton swabs) of the ear canal are important causative factors.

•Itchy ears, a feeling of fullness, swelling, drainage, and pain are early symptoms.

•Antibiotic ear drops and avoidance of water are frequently necessary for treatment.

•Proper ear care can avoid most infections.

What is "swimmer's ear" or acute external otitis?

External otitis or "swimmer's ear" is an infection of the skin covering the outer ear and ear canal. Acute external otitis is commonly a bacterial infection caused by streptococcus, staphylococcus, or pseudomonas types of bacteria. The swimmer's ear infection is usually caused by excessive water exposure from swimming diving, surfing, kayaking, or other water sports. When water collects in the ear canal (frequently trapped by wax), the skin can become soggy and serve as an inviting area for bacteria to grow. Cuts or abrasions in the lining of the ear canal (for example, from cotton swab injury) can also predispose to bacterial infection of the ear canal.

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EAR ACHE

What are the symptoms of swimmer's ear?

The first symptom of infection is that the ear will feel full, and it may itch. Next, the ear canal will swell and ear drainage will follow. At this stage the ear will be very painful, especially with movement of the outside portion of the ear. The ear canal can swell shut, and the side of the face can become swollen. Finally, the lymph nodes (glands) of the neck may enlarge, making it difficult or painful to open the jaw. People with swimmer's ear may experience some temporary hearing loss in the affected ear.

What is the treatment of swimmer's ear?

Regardless of the cause, moisture and irritation will prolong the course of the problem. For this reason, the ear should be kept dry. While showering or swimming use an ear plug (one that is designed to keep water out), or use cotton with Vaseline on the outside.

Scratching the inside of the ear or using cotton swabs should be avoided. This will only aggravate the irritated skin, and in most situations will make the condition worse. In fact, scratching the inside of the ear will just make the ear itch more, and any medications prescribed will be ineffective. A hearing aid should be left out as much as possible until swelling and discharge stops.

The most common treatment consists of ear drops containing antibiotics or antibiotics with corticosteroids to reduce inflammation. Oral antibiotics may also be required in some cases. These should be used as directed. In some situations, a "wick" will need to be placed in the ear canal to stent it open and serve as a conduit for the ear drops. Periodic, and sometimes frequent, suctioning of the ear canal helps to keep it open, remove debris, and decrease bacterial counts.

Clinica Medicare is a Preferred Partner of “medilink” Your British Health centre here on the Costa del Sol. For more information on Clinica Medicare or any of our other Preferred Partners call “medilink” on 952 93 38 76.

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Are you fed up with trying to locate good, reliable and accurate information, unsure who to turn to when it comes to health and health related issues here on the Costa del Sol...

‌solving the puzzle of healthcare e in healthcar Spain!

Tel: (0034) 952 93 38 76 Tel: Email: medilinkspain@gmail.com medilink the onl y tel no y ou'll e ver need. only you'll ever

Please don’t forget that the medilink service is provided FREE of charge to the community (a local call rate may apply).

September 2013 Costa Link Magazine_Editorial Layout 8/25/13 8:04 PM Page 38

OH DEAR....!

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.

He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost!

You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE. Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe......."I'm an ex-tractor fan"!

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Factoid...

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• Tesco’s Employee of the Month is the prime example of being both a winner and a loser at the same time.

• Frosties are Corn Flakes for the working classes.

• It is impossible to run over a pigeon.

No matter how much you accelerate.

• If you are male, 30+, and still live with your parents, there is good probability that you are gay and work in a call centre.

• Ladies, when a man tell’s you you’re fat he means it.

• The little things in life should count.

• You are never as funny as you think people think you are.

• If a man opens a car door for a woman either the car or the woman is new.

• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

• There is only ever one monopoly commission.

• There is no place like home...unless you live in a modern apartment/estate in which case next door is pretty similar.

• Daytime TV is God’s punishment for throwing a sickie.

• It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Then its just hilarious.

• When you see the word ‘unlimited’ in an advert it will always have an asterisk next to it. Rather than waste time searching for the microscopic text that this is directing you to, simply assume that this means ‘not really’.

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Marble Floor Polishing Phone Paul: 654 589 218

Before

After

Free advice on how to care for your floors at www.marblefloor.info

teleweb internet & telephone just got better!

tion for someone who lives here full time.

Do you have a wireless internet system that you are not happy with?

Teleweb will convert you over to their service at no cost. What have you got to lose?

HAVE A UK No IN SPAIN!

teleweb – “Pay as you go” internet

Teleweb Internet & Telephone, has been providing wireless internet services since 2003, and in that time, has seen consistent growth and added new exciting services to its well established high speed 5GHz wireless internet service.

FLEXIBILITY: Because you do not need a land line, you can have internet on a “Pay as you go” system. There are flexible solutions ranging from 1 hour to a permanent connec-

Teleweb offers a telephone system (without the need for a landline) with calls from 1.8c per minute. It is just like a Telefonica landline without the wires. No need to have your computer on to make and receive calls. Choose a telephone number from your home country or just elect to have a Malaga number. This system will work anywhere in the world with the same low call costs, you just need an internet connection.

For more information on any of the above, please call Teleweb on 952 833 300 or Email: info@teleweb-marbella.

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STICKUMUP.... !

A man walked into the downtown Bank of America and on the back of a deposit slip wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, the man began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note and might call the police before he could reach the teller. So, the criminal left the Bank of America and walked across to the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting in line for several minutes there, he handed his note to a teller. After reading it, the teller determined that this robber was perhaps a few sandwiches short of a picnic. She told him that because his note was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, she could not honor his demand.

He would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo withdrawal slip or go back to the Bank of America. Feeling defeated, the man said he understood and left. The Wells Fargo teller promptly called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later - still waiting in line at the Bank of America.

not

A man walked into a 7-11, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.

When the assistant opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the assistant promptly provided. The man took the cash from the assistant and fled - leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

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BESTT ONLINE PRIN BES

WE’RE SO OCIAL CIAL!!! !

www.ndi3printing.com www.ndi3pr ndi3printing.com inting com

September 2013 Costa Link Magazine_Editorial Layout 8/25/13 7:47 PM Page 49

RINTERS IN SP SPAIN AIN Or Order der Online NO NOW!!!!

W W!!!!

500 - Business Cards From €37.55 2500 - DL Fly Flyers ers Double Sided From From €55.08 1000 - Letterheads From €65.18 ers 5000 - A5 Fly Flyers Double Sided From From €104.20 FFRE REE Delivery in Spain

sales@ndi3printing.com sales@ndi3pr sales ndi3printing.com

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Don’t get scamed

Almost three quarters of Britons have experienced some type of fraud attempt. Here are the top five most common scams to watch out for.

Most common types of fraud

1. Fake emails: 53% of frauds were conducted via fake emails claiming to be from a bank requesting personal information, like Pin numbers and account login details.

2. Advance-fee frauds: Advance-fee frauds make up 29% of the most regular scams committed. Scammers send emails and letters to victims asking for a certain amount of money in order to secure a larger sum.The Nigerian 419 scam is a common example of this the "419" refers to the Nigerian Criminal Code that deals with fraud.

3. Impostor phone calls: Impostor phone calls ( 23% of the most common types of fraud) claiming to be from well-known organisations, such as broadband providers or software firms.

4. Debit card fraud: Debit card fraud duplicating one or more of your bank cards, makes up 14% of the most regularly seen types of fraud.

5. Fake lotteries: Fake lotteries also account for 14% of the most common types of fraud.

Victims receive emails notifying them of a large sum of money won in a lottery. Recipients of the scam are often told to contact a 'claims agent' to whom they will pay 'processing fees' or 'transfer charges' in order for the winnings to be paid.

GARDEN CENTER L I N D AV I S TA

50

Ctra de Cadiz, Km171,29670, San Pedro de Alcantara, Behind McDonalds in San Pedro. Tel; 952785206

CLMŠ2008

HU GE RA NGE OF: POT S lG ARD E N TO OLS lPLA NT S FLOW ERS & S HRU B S lG A RDEN FU RNI TU RE lG A R D E N O R N A M E N TS

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Don’t get scamed continued...

What to do if you have become a victim of fraud

• Act quickly – you mustn’t ignore the problem. Even though you didn’t order those goods or open that bank account, the bad debts will end up under your name and address.

• Change the passwords to your computer, email and any financial accounts, especially bank and credit cards.

• Scan your computer to see if rogue software has been installed.

• Contact your bank and credit card companies if you think your details may be at risk. Ask them to freeze the account and issue a new card.

Sometimes people choose not to report fraud or seek advice because they are embarrassed that they fell for a scam, con, swindle, or any other word used to describe the crime.

Remember that fraud is a crime and that fraudsters will constantly reinvent themselves to find new ways of tricking people.

Anyone could be a victim.

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GULLWINGS

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Opel Have just announced the new Monza, an old name but a whole new car - with its gullwing doors this is certain to be a hit amongst coupe and sports car buyers,

So where did the Gullwing car come from?

The first was and possibly most famous was the Mercedes 300 SL from 1952 as a race car and then two years later as a road car, aspects of this beautiful car can be seen in todays Mercedes SLS

Mercedes love a gullwing – the 1969 C111 prototype had a rotary engine, but the six cars that were produced and sold were diesel powered.

In 1979 Aston Martin announced the Bulldog.

Originally intended to be a run of 25 cars only one was ever produced – it was sold to the highest bidder – at £130,000 It had top speed of 191mph and must be the ugliest car they have ever produced!

Remember the film “back to the future”? The DeLorean DMC-12 used was one of 9200 cars produced by the company in association with Colin Chapman of Lotus. Drug trafficking scandals halted production after only two years in 1982.

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Perfect Paella

Serve this seafood classic and they’ll be gobbled up hook, line and sinker...

Ingredients:

Method:

• 3 tbsp olive oil • 1 small onion, finely chopped • 1 small fennel bulb, trimmed and finely chopped •3 garlic cloves, chopped • 1½tsp smoked paprika • 300g (10½oz) paella rice • 125ml (4fl oz) dry white wine A large pinch of saffron, soaked in a splash of boiling water • 1ltr (1¾pts) chicken or veg stock • 1 squid, cleaned and sliced • 8-12 large prawns • 400g (14oz) mix of clams and mussels, cleaned • A handful of parsley, chopped•Lemon wedges to serve

1) Heat 2tbsp of the oil in a roomy, shallow sided or paella pan and sauté the onion and fennel until softened.

Stir in the garlic and paprika.

2) Add the paella rice, stirring to coat in all the flavours, then pour in the white wine, letting it bubble down. Add the saffron to the stock. Stir well and pour over the rice. Allow to cook gently without stirring.

3) Meanwhile, in a separate pan, sauté the squid and prawns in 1tbsp oil for 2-3 minutes until lightly golden.

After the rice has been cooking for 20 minutes add the prawns and squid, then the mussels and clams. Cover and cook for another 6-8 minutes until all is cooked through and the shellfish have opened.

4) Sprinkle over chopped parsley and serve with lemon wedges for squeezing over.

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Guide

What’s On

Every Monday: 1st Coin Brownies meet 5pm6.30pm at El Centro Nazareno in Coin. Suitable forages 7-10 years. Great fun for the girls. Contact www.1stcoinbrownies.info Every Monday: 11 am – 1 pm: Age Care Drop In where people can chat, share experiences and find out about living in Spain at La Iglesia Bar, nr Bonanza Square, Benalmadena Costa.

Every Tuesday: The Costa Women Coffee Club meet every second Tuesday at 10am – 12.30pm for coffee, chats and other activities and is a social group designed to get ladies of all ages together. It’s best to join the group via Facebook or contact Emma on 608 408 771.

Every Tuesday: 11 am – 1 pm: Age Care Drop In where people can chat, share experiences and find out about living in Spain at Age Care’s Advice Centre, Doña Lola, Calahonda, Mijas Costa Every Wednesday: at 11:30am the Malaga Picasso Museum is offering free guided tours in English which is included with the price of admission. Click here for more details.

Every Thursday: Market at Calypso, Calahonda.

Every Thursday: New Flea Market (Secondhand and Crafts) from 09.00 - 14.00 next to Aldi Supermarket in Las Lagunas, plenty of free parking Every Thursday: 10 am – 12.30 pm: Age Care Drop In where people can chat, share experiences and find out about living in Spain at Manilla Bar, Paseo Maritimo, Los Boliches, Fuengirola.

Every Sunday: Flea Market EVERY Sunday 10am till 2pm at Calypso, Calahonda.

Every Sunday: At the Hippodrome from 9am - 2pm FAMA have a car boot sale.

Every Sunday: There is a market every Sunday in the Marbella Marina (Puerto Deportivo de Marbella) on the Teresa Zabell Pier from 12:00-18:00.

Every Sunday: Barbeque night at Riviera Grand Palms Cyber Cafe, from 6pm, Families welcome, loads of home cooked food from 7€, Calle Sirocco 370 Phase 7 Urb. Riveria del Sol, follow the signs from the lady in the bath, booking advised Tel 952 932 112.

Harrys Sports Bar

All live sports and premiere league football. Six TV’s and big screen. Full menu, Sunday roast and homemade tapas. Large sun terrace. Open 10amlate, seven days a week.

Upstairs Los Jarales, Calahonda

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ocal Info Emergency Numbers

---

Central number for Fire, Police & Ambulance National Police Local Police Guardia Civil dica

Medical

112 091 092 062

Emergency 061 Ambulance Marbella 902 505 061 Ambulance Coin 952 453 267

Health Centres

Town Halls

Marbella 952 761 100 San Pedro 952 453 020 La Cala de Mijas 952 493 208 Fuengirola 952 589 300 Estepona 952 801 100

Fire Brigade

Emergency number 080 Marbella 952 774 349 Estepona 952 804 483 Fuengirola 952 461 046 British Ireland Denmark Sweden Germany France U.S.A

952 952 952 952 952 952 952

Marbella Coin Estepona Fuengirola San Pedro

952 771 442 952 822 818 952 822 818 952 467 457 952 785 252

352 475 226 604 212 226 474

300 108 373 383 442 590 891

Tourist Information

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Bus Stations Marbella 952 764 400 Coin 952 450 366 San Pedro 952 781 396 Estepona 952 800249 For a list of complete times www.andalucia.com/travel/bus Train Timetables 902 240 202 Airports Malaga 952 048 844 Gibraltar 956 773 026

Marbella 952 769 946 Coin 952 452 767 San Pedro 952 787 700

Consulates

Transport

Markets

Monday - Marbella (fairground site on east side) Tuesday - Fuengirola (fairground near Los Boliches) Wednesday - Calypso (Mijas Costa & Estepona (Avda. Juan Carlos) La Cala - Feria ground Thursday - San Pedro (Recinto Ferial) Alhaurin el Grande - (La Fama) Friday - Alhaurin el Grande (Bar Aquamania) Saturday - Coin (Calle Urbano Pineda) La Cala - Feria ground.

Sunday - Puerto Estepona

Cinemas

(Marina)

All the Cinemas listed below show films in English as well

as Spanish. Call first to check what is showing that week.

Marbella: Cinesur Plaza del Mar 952 766 941 La Ca単ada 902 333 231 Puerto Banus: Gran Marbella 952 810 077 Coin: La Trocha 951 315 039 Fuengirola Cinesur Miramar 902 221 622

Chemists

24 hour chemist Urb. Artola, Ctra. Cadiz Km 194. Marbella.

Tel: 952 83 25 89

Taxis

Marbella Taxis 952 774 488 Mijas Costa Taxis 952 476 593

Diary Dates

5th September: Dia del Tourista Torremolinos on the 5th September, celebrate with traditional dress, dancing and cuisine on the streets of Torremolinos

5th - 9th September: Mijas Feria. Lots to do party all day and night check out the website www.mijas-pueblo.es for more information

if you would like to sponsor this page please call 663 061 669

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S TA R S I GN S

A look at what's in store for you during September.....

Capricorn

Aquarius

Aquarius you'll be the most fortunate creature of the zodiac in September 2013! Venus and Jupiter will make it a wonderful month to start a new relationship, to refresh an existing one or to give another try to a past love that you still long for. You'll be thirsty for love and you'll also have the opportunity to go for it. As for work September brings change expect a dynamic month from the professional perspective, scattered with ambition, challenges, fights and brave initiatives. You'll feel the need to measure your strength, to show what you're capable of. Your wish to stand out might not be exactly comfortable to your superiors or authorities, so you'd better keep some limits of discipline and diplomacy if you don't want to confront them. Assess the impact of your actions on your image and reputation!

Pisces

Pisces, relationships are key in September your house of couples acquires strength and glow under the Sunrays, keeping things under control and making sure that everything turns out well this month. September 2013 will be a good time in relationships to talk, explain, listen, understand, negotiate, and find ideas. You’ll like what you do at work this month there will be a pleasant environment, you get along well with colleagues, and the work is well paid. September will definitely be a month of collaboration though. You'll have the capacity to motivate, convince and mobilize people for some shared objectives and almost everything you'll do will be together or in agreement with the colleges this month.

Professional training will contribute to improving your financial situation.

Aries

Aries, If you've had to cope with tension and unfavorable circumstances, things will start to unwind in September. Saturn will still breathe down your neck, but after more than three years, Saturn's interference with relationships has become something boarding on ordinary for you: obstacles, limits, and difficulties will now start to alleviate themselves. Venus, Leo, and Aries all come together and will open the door to flirts, adventure, and passion. The first part of September 2013 will be appropriate to solving some health problems and to focusing on the physical shape, hygiene, beauty care: you'll have access to good doctors, efficient treatments, useful information. It'll be a good period for diets and therapies. The second part of September 2013 will be particularly interesting: it'll bring solutions, dialogue, clarification, fulfillment, maybe even a new acquaintance significant to your love life.

Taurus

Gemini 64

Capricorn you should already be feeling the energy from Mars as we speak! This continues throughout the month bringing passion that can be channeled into relationships and your home and family life, thanks to the September 5th New Moon. Confidence and attractiveness from Mars, plus a feeling of emotional balance and harmony from the Moon means that this is the ideal time to make great progress in all areas you’ll have extra support from family and friends, and there should be a lot less resistance to your plans and goals. Mercury also makes a very positive appearance from Sept 1st to 6th giving you clear thinking and sharp communication skills. Time to ask for a raise, debate, convince, or apply for a job. You can speak forcefully and directly without upsetting others. The peak for this powerful self-projection is on Wednesday the 5th of Sept because of the New Moon, Mercury and Mars in the sky.

Taurus love and relationships are, hot, hot, hot in September! Even if it's autumn, you'll have burning feelings. Sept 2013 will bring strong emotions and overwhelming desires - and you'll also have the courage to do what you think it's necessary to get what you want. Your tendency to reserve, shyness, fear and embarrassment will vanish - watch out world! You won't wait for the other one to seduce you, but you'll take the first step without hesitation and you'll start the conquering campaign boldly. Work pressure and overload will cut you some slack this month and troubles related to tasks or work conditions will diminish. In the first half of the month, try to avoid excessive expenses, speculation and everything that could involve financial risk. Jupiter in your house of money promises prosperity especially in the second part of Sept 2013.

Gemini, Venus and Leo will make Sept 2013 your favourite month this year love is strongly connected to communication, trips and information. You could have the opportunity to find the right words, receive nice messages and love declarations, to meet somebody interesting or to take a trip. The sentimental climate will become more intense in the second part of Sept 2013 when Mercury enters your house of love brings with it flirts, affairs, adventure, new experiences. Effort, pressure, challenges, decisions, initiative and efficiency: these will be the main focuses at work this month. You could even happen to be at the right place at the right time for some exciting news related to work, maybe a promotion. Financially, you'll earn as much as you need, maybe even something extra.

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Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Cancer, September will bring changes in your romantic predispositions, shyness will fade away your love life is going to be hot, hot, hot this month. Your career and finances will be looking good all month Mars, will be in a strong position, which will allow you to advance, impose, self-promote and benefit from some advantageous circumstances. The Sun and Mercury will lend you dynamism and enterprising spirit and will support you when negotiating, deciding, analyzing, calculating. You'll do as well when it comes to intellectual, commercial or creative-artistic matters. However, even if things go generally well this month, you might experience a sensation of dissatisfaction or feel that you need a change, something new or different. Start learning something new that could help your career!

Leo, on September 6th Venus the planet of love will gracefully step into Leo. It'll be by your side until October 3rd, in which period it'll spoil you with its precious gifts. Venus will enhance your charm and power of seduction; will draw the attention of the opposite sex on you like a magnet. The need to receive and give affection will grow. Throughout the month you'll be in a good, optimistic and playful mood and you'll intensely feel like having fun, and all this will improve your life. Even an older, steady relationship could be positively influenced by Venus’s charms, look out world you’ll be hot to trot! Venus will be capable of increasing your ability to cooperate within a group or partnership, bringing you success with team work, associations and contacts with clients or colleagues. Avoid discussions with parents and don't rush to domestic decisions this month!

Virgo you are getting all the action in September because 5th’s New Moon falling around your birthday. This Moon puts a strong emphasis on your close personal relationships for two weeks, up until September 15th. You are likely to feel a lot more sensitive and emotional during this time. Mars is bringing passion and strong desires from September 9th it will energize all relationships, bringing a big boom to your love life. This energy doesn’t only relate to sexual relationships, but all other relationships, even professional, your positive energy will make you more attractive and popular. Your extra initiative and leadership ability should win favours from superiors and improve team spirit. This is your time to take centre stage and enjoy being yourself. In the bigger scheme of things you can now start projects in those Jupiter areas of personal growth, wealth creation, travel or study.

Libra you’ll have something going on all month with three transits one after another, climaxing at the end with a most intense full moon. The first influence comes from a beneficial Venus between September 6th to 16th this is a fabulous time for socialising, love and money. The optimum day for all this is on September 13th. Uranus is in your sign this year, which has meant a lot of tension and forced changes in your life. However Venus will now soften this affect and can lead to pleasant surprises and bit of excitement without the recent upsets. Next up is Mercury passing through your skies from September 17th to 23rd bringing a full on week with lots of personal interaction and communication. Your mind will be running at a 100 miles an hour which may be unsettling or just frankly frazzling, you may find it hard to stay focused.

Scorpio expect an excellent start to September with a number of different factors combining to give you tremendous strength and power to succeed. The August 31st Full moon means that in the first half of September you should feel balanced and confident, and enjoy good relationships and a supporting home and family life. Mars is in your sign up until September 9th this is going to give a great energy boost making you strong, attractive and brave. Now is the time to take the lead and push ahead with confidence, go for what you really want, chase something or someone you are passionate about. Mercury in your skies from September 1st to 6th adds clear thinking and positive communications. You should know exactly what you want and can talk about it in a direct yet friendly manner earning you favours and respect.

Sagittarius you start this month with some tension because 5ths New Moon is directly in your sign. The added tension is most likely to come in the form of relationship difficulties with family or partners. Mercury in your sign from September 1st to 6th means that this first week is the most problematic as this Mercury transit increases nervous tension and can make it more difficult to fully understand relationships dynamics, it may reduces your ability to express yourself clearly compromise is needed at this time. Things improve quickly and the rest of this month is really fortunate, starting with the harmonious Venus making an appearance in your sign between Sept 6th and 16th. This will ease any tension and make you feel more sociable, others will seem friendlier towards you. Sept 23rd to Oct3rd many changes are happening making for a wonderful time with many positive changes and more excitement in life.

Puzzle It Out

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Crossword

Solutions on page 73 Across: 1. clauses in an agreement (5) 4. hardly started (7) 8. armoured anteater (9) 9. travel on snow (3) 10. mess up (5) 12. not quite hopeful (7) 13. woolly (6) 14. imagined in sleep (6) 18. not the same (7) 20. heavy hooded jacket (5) 21. two singers (3) 22. all at one (9) 24. outputs (7) 25. creepy (5)

Down: 1. crying (7) 2. fishy (3) 3. makes miserable (7) 4. permits (6) 5. steals (5) 6. sea eagle (9) 7. bedroom window (5) 11. not safe (9) 15. syncopated forerunner of jazz (7) 16. baby talk foot (7) 17. every single time (6) 18. milk sac (5) 19. normal (5) 23. propellant (3)

Sudoku

Brain Teaser

QUICK BRAIN TEASERS...

1) Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

2) Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

3) A farmer has five haystacks in one field and four haystacks in another. How many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in one field?

Say What You See...

SGEG 66

death/life

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FINANCIAL NEWS

GOOD NEWS FROM THE UK...

Another month and again another good report from the UK. House prices are up, some comfort albeit small with inflation falling and people spending again, oh and don't forget the number of unemployed dropped so it all sounds rosy for the UK. The new Governor of the Bank of England also explained to us his thinking on interest rates for the future and is looking to keep rates low as long as unemployment is above 7%.

Great news also came from the Euro zone where data confirms that the zone is officially out of recession, isn't all this good reading at last. Our inflation across the zone came in at 1.6% and again remains below the target set by the ECB (2%). New car sales were up and registrations in Europe jumped by around 4.8% compared to July 2012. Thankfully and last we also saw the unemployment numbers in Spain fall for the first time in ages, however across the zone unfortunately jobs for the under 25's are still very scarce and nobody seems to have the answer to change this.

Going forward the report due this week ( Aug 21) from The Federal Reserve in the USA will maybe give us some insight into the time frame left on the "mortgage backed securities" programme in the States and how investors will feel.

Rates during the last month ÂŁ to $ ÂŁ to euro Euro to $

High 1.5669 1.1753 1.3392

Low 1.5111 1.1408 1.3136

August is traditionally quiet however this year has seen some volatility in exchange rates so if you are looking to transfer money regularly or one off's talk to Moneycorp our preferred Money Transfer company. You can reach them on 952 587 657, please let them know you saw this in The Costa Link magazine or email costalink@moneycorp.com

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The Jokes page

Jokes page

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had t wo cubicles. One of the doors was locked.

So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: “Hello mate, how are you doing?” Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied “Not too bad thanks.” After a short pause, I heard the voice again “So, what are you up to?”

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, “Just having a quick poo...

How about yourself?”

The next thing I heard him say was “sorry mate, I'll have to call you back.

I've got some idiot in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.”

THE IRISH CHRISTENING… Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine.

However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother.

He's a clueless idiot…'

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise." said the doctor.

The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name.

I guess I was wrong about my brother, I really like Denise.'

Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replied "Denephew."

70

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want God is watching the apples."

WARNING!!!

Don't buy a dwarf with learning difficulties.

It's not big and it's not clever.

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million EUROS." The woman went home with Robert.

Four days later she became his stepmother.

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Puzzle It Out Solutions FromPages 20 & 66

Crossword Solution

Just Say What You See Scrambled Egg Life after Death

Brain Teaser

1) Johnny.

2) Mt. Everest. It hadn’t been discovered.

3) One. If he combines all his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

Trivia Quiz Answers 1) The Battle of Hastings 2) Lungs 3) One (Devon) 4) Rope and Revolver 5) Madonna 6) Asbestos 7) Show 8) None 9) Dances With Wolves 10) Niagara Falls 11) 6 12) Sheridan Smith 13) Morphine 14) Peter Capaldi 15) Scrabble 16) Ealing 17) Pine nuts 18) Charades 19) Wannabe 20) Jimmy Nail 21) Canada 22) Rainfall 23) Chris Evert 24) Israel and Jordan 25) Ruth Rendell 26) Whipsnade 27) Alexander Armstrong 28) Bottom 29) Clotted 30) Andy Warhol

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