September 2014 costa link magazine

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September 2014 N°90

The worst kept secret on the Costa del Sol

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C Computer omputer P Problems? ro oblems? we we can can help.... help p.....

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Business Directory Puzzles & Quizzes What’s On Guide Horoscopes Local Info Kids Page Jokes

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Well as we thought it’s been a very hot August with the air conditioning working overtime.

September has arrived and hopefully along with it those cooler nights (we hope)! In this month’s issue, check out our new article on pages 48 & 49 how to get the most out of Facebook etc... with Social Media, Spain. Look out for the new and improved puzzle page on pages 74 & 75.

Thanks for all the great emails and comments we have had about last month’s issue, we really pleased you all enjoyed it. Finally just to remind you it’s Halloween next month (Party Party in Calahonda have a massive stock of all things scary including spooky contact lenses in all sorts of varieties), and only four months counting September to Christmas, it will soon be here given how fast the rest of this year seems to have flown past. So a note to all if you have an event or something special coming up start thinking about your Halloween and Christmas marketing, why not give us a call to discuss it. Keep smiling and have a great month!

in the September Magazine

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Medical Section... Advice from dentists to help on diets the A-Z of medical healthcare on the Costa del Sol. If you need any advise on any medical matter look here...

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A Man’s World: It’s a lad zone funnies that only us blokes get!

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All Revved Up... This month we check out the future at the Pebble Beach Car show in California, some awesome motors dude!

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What’s On Guide... Now it’s cooled down a bit you might find yourself venturing from the beach, Mijas Feria, a beer festival plus lots more to do...

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Solutions on page 84 Puzzle It Out... Puzzles galore challenge those little grey cells.

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Kids Page... It’s a circus special help the monkey and match the food also a wordsearch!

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Business Directory... Can’t find that all important contact information see page 80.

Like Us

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Solutions on page 84 Trivia Quiz... Pit your brains against the TRIVIA QUIZ, questions for all ages from 6 -116!

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The Jokes Page: Laugh out loud, we did! Get some giggles in on page 76!!!

Facebook

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Women’s World: Some quick insults for men everywhere.

Plus we’ve gone fishing!

Call: 951 216 131 or 663 061 669

Email: sales@costalinkmagazine.com

Website: www.costalinkmagazine.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/costa.link.spain Whatapp: 663 061 669 Tweet: @costa_link 6

No part of this publication, including layout, graphic design or pictures may be copied, SCANNED, used or reproduced without our prior written consent. Costa Link Magazine accepts no responsibility for alterations to events listed, claims made by our advertisers or information provided by our contributors. All rights reserved © 2014.

to advertise in costa link magazine please call 951 216 131

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A Woman’s World NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN!!

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing at a camp site and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and starts to read her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment, I'll have to take you back to the office and fine you i’m affraid."

"For reading a book?" she replies.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

QUICK INSULTS FOR MEN EVERYWHERE… Why were men given larger brains than dogs? (so they won’t hump your friends legs) Why did god make men before women? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down? (don’t know…..it’s never happened)

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HOT TV GOSS!

BBC STRICTLY 2014 DANCE CARD IS FILLING UP WITH NEW CELEBRITIES… BBC Strictly 2014 dance card is filling up with new celebrities… at the time of going to press seven of the new Strictly celebs had been named. Sunetra Sarker aka Zoe Hanna from Casualty was the seventh celebrity to be named. TV and Radio Presenter, Mark Wright (from TOWIE) the sixth! Blue’s Simon Webb became the fifth, Team Rugby star Thom Evans was confirmed as the fourth celebrity to join the 2014 line-up. Third in line was TV presenter Alison Hammond. Judy Murray mum of tennis superstar Andy Murray was the second celebrity to be announced. Frankie from The Saturday’s was the first celeb to be named in the battle of the ballroom. Also rumored to be joining the show is Mrs Sharon Osbourne… 'Masterchef' judge Gregg apparently thinks going on 'Strictly' will make him more popular with TV viewers. Sir Chris Hoy is top of the Beeb's hit list for people to sign up. Jake Wood could be swapping Walford for the waltz. Roll on Claudia Winkleman’s fringe and Tess Daly’s long legs. We can’t wait for them to tango on to our screens later this month.

X FACTOR 2014 FINALLY HAS A START DATE – BUT DOCTOR WHO’S GETTING IN ITS WAY… Pay attention everybody. After much speculation, the 2014 series of The X Factor finally has a confirmed start date. Drum roll please.... on Saturday August 30 at 8pm. And once again it’ll be dominating weekends from the off, with a second show airing at the same time on the Sunday night. As well as Simon and Cheryl’s return to the panel, the series will also welcome Mel B to its ranks, as well as welcoming back Louis Walsh. Meanwhile fans of the show can also look forward to further twists and turns, including the return of the fiendish ‘six-chair challenge’ as well as rumours of a fifth judge for the live finals.

YEY.... Saturday night has just got interesting again!

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HOT GOSS!

JK ROWLING WRITES A NEW HARRY POTTER SHORT STORY… JK Rowling has written another Harry Potter story, mainly to keep the world of fanfiction in check. Writing for Harry Potter portal Pottermore, the author penned a short story about Celestina Warbeck a character who is referred to throughout the Potter series as ‘The Singing Sorceress’, but who never makes an appearance. Although we never lay eyes on Celestina during the whole seven volumes of the Potter books. Anyway the new short story charts Celestina’s life as a young witch with a muggle mother who hassles the teachers at Hogwarts to create a choir and a dancing class after realising wizarding stage school doesn’t exist. If you’ve been missing the wizarding world as much as we have you can read the short story on www.pottermore.com.

OMG! WHAT HAS LAUREN GOODGER DONE TO HER FACE? Celebrity Big Brother's Lauren Goodger's lips look like they're pout of control. Lauren has admitted to going under the knife in the past and had a nose job in 2011, so could she have booked in for a few extra treatments before going in the house? WE ♥ CBB...

FIVE SIGNS ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT MIGHT BE ABOUT TO SPLIT? What?! Poor Angelina Jolie! Brad Pitt's psychic claims he is still in love with Jen! Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have been dogged by split rumours for years but the latest attack on their relationship has come from an unlikely - and very close - source Brad Pitt's psychic and friend Ron Bard. 1. Brad Pitt's psychic says so (REALLY)! 2. There's STILL no sign of a wedding . 3. ‘Angelina has always been a bit reluctant about having a prenup, but Brad persuaded her it's for the best.' 4. Brad is happy when Angelina is away 5. They spent month’s apart last year the long-distance relationship was reportedly a struggle. We think physic Ron may have got it wrong this time, what do you think??

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, a,ha ha,hha,ha, ha, ha,ha! ha,

Funny thoughts on life…

•I can’t go anywhere without being told to KEEP CALM and do something.

•I made eye contact with a stranger on the tube whilst in London last month. We both looked away out of the window, and our reflections made eye contact.

•Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right.”

•Having briefly opened the window I have somehow manged to let in fifty midges, twenty flies, seven bees and a mosquito.

•Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held open for you, having already deployed “cheers”, “ta”, and “nice one”.

•Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change.

•I want to buy a cheap pair of tracksuit bottoms to wear to the gym but every pair I find is expensive because chavs wear them as fashion items.

•Prince George is a year old and has already visited half the countries in the world I have always wanted to.

•I get more text messages from my phone suppler, than any of my friends.

•I tutted at someone who pushed into the queue in front of me, and they turned round and looked at me?

•My 67-year-old father has only just heard of Benedict Cumberbatch and thinks his name is so hilarious that he’s constantly saying it aloud and chuckling to himself.

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BLONDE CONFIDENCE Sharon, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Sharon, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Sharon takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Sharon explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder... 'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.’

Bring this u yo v ad ert withe 10% iv ce and re n discount o l* il b r u o y t *Res tauran

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dining only

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TRIVIA QUIZ

1) Which naturalist was behind the theory of evolution by natural selection?

2) Who presents ITV’s The Chase?

3) What is the height of a cricket stump (in inches or centimetres)?

4) Who plays Walt Disney in the 2013 Saving Mr Banks?

5) Which bird has ‘golden’ and ‘argus’ varieties?

6) What are the surnames of Romeo and Juliet in the play of the same name?

7) The Khyber Pass links Pakistan with which country?

8) In Roman Mythology, who was the messenger of the Gods?

9)With which group was Gary Barlow the lead singer?

10) Which Eastenders character was played by Sid Owen?

11) Under which monument is the French tomb of the Unknown Soldier?

12) Which Country is hosting the 2018 World Cup? 13) Which English physicist wrote ‘A Brief History of Time’?

14) What is the main ingredient of a Molotov cocktail?

15) What type of creature is a Bombay Duck?

16) Who was Britain’s first Knight of pop?

17) In Scrabble, how many points does the letter ‘W’ score?

18) Who had a number one hit with ‘Final Countdown’?

19) Which mountain range runs through Columbia, Peru, Venezuela and Argentina?

20) Which English actor won an Oscar for the role of a butler in the film Arthur?

21) What was the name of the ship in which the Pilgrim Fathers set sale in 1620?

22) How many quarts are there in a gallon?

23)Which poet wrote ‘Ode to a Nightingale’?

24)In which US state is the ski resort of Aspen?

25) Whose books are the James Bond films based on?

26) Which actor played the voice of Darth Vader?

27) Who was the bass player with the Rolling Stones?

28) Who was the son of Zeus who killed Medusa?

29) Which is the largest city in New Zealand?

30) Which father and daughter pair had a hit with ‘Something stupid’?

Answers on page 84

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WheelChair Police Joan was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Joan was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Joan fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Joan sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

Joan dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Joan neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Joan, 'Not that Damn BreathalyserTest again.!!!'

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Signs You're Secretly A Child Trapped In An Adult's Body There comes a time in life where we're expected to start acting like a grown up. This means paying bills and having insurance for things that are expensive and generally taking responsibility for things.

If "growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional" is your motto in life, you're obviously not ready to let go of your inner child yet and here are a few things that might sound very familiar to you.

1) There are days when you still think you might actually have super powers. Like when you think about a song and then it comes on the radio...

2) You still feel immense excitement when you walk down the sweet aisle when doing a big shop 3) Your Mum still does your washing, ironing and cooks most of your meals 4) Bubbles can make you forget all of your problems 5) As can brightly coloured food 6) You've kept your entire PokĂŠmon collection pristine, you know... Just in case 7) You always find yourself saying "When I grow up" even though you're pretty much already a grown up 8) You know the importance of keeping a balloon off the ground and don't even try to stop yourself 9) You think that thunder is when God's mad at you, or when two giants are having a fight in the sky 10) You feel insane jealously when you drive past a house with a trampoline in the garden

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Signs You're Secretly A Child Trapped In An Adult's Body continued...

11) You'd much rather have chicken nuggets, smiley faces and beans for dinner than any gourmet meal.

12) Your Netflix 'recently watched' contains plenty of cartoons, none of which you're ashamed of.

13) Christmas is literally the best time of year.

14) Unless it's your birthday, where you might actually collapse with excitement 15) (Spoiler Alert!) You still have a tiny inkling that Santa Claus exists (he definitely does, don't worry).

16) You tend to choose alcoholic drinks that are most like drinking chocolate milkshake 17) You can never resist bubble wrap. Who can actually do that though? Those people have no souls...

18) You often find yourself talking and singing when there's only you in the room.

19) You've got a cheque book somewhere but you haven't seen it since it arrived in the post two years ago.

20) Children seem to get along with you really well, although it's because you think and speak like them.

21) Your cereal choice usually contains coloured pieces or chocolate and is fronted by some kind of talking animal.

22) When you see a parent telling their child off, you always automatically side with the child and think that life is so unfair for them.

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finding jesus A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.

He asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am’ replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunken replies, 'No, I haven’t.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.

He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher asks the drunk again, ‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’

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Medical Tips

Donating Blood:

All potential donors hormone, had a must be at least 17 years dura mater transold to donate, 16 with plant or who parental consent. have a relative diagnosed with CJD • You must bring a valid pic- • Persons with symptoms or laboratory evidence of AIDS or ture ID prior to donation. who are considered to have an increased risk for contracting •Donors must weigh at least 110 AIDS pounds. 16 year old donors must weigh 122 pounds.

• Persons who have spent more than 3 months in the United •Potential donors must be in general good health, without Kingdom (England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, any cold or flu symptoms Channel Islands or Isle of Man, Gibraltar, or the Falkland Medical technology has provided many life-saving discover- Islands) from 1980 through 1996, or who have received beef ies over the years, but there is still no substitute for blood. In insulin since 1980 a medical emergency, often the most important element is • Since 1980, persons who have spent 5 or more years in the availability of blood. Blood donations can help a variety of Europe, including time spent in the U.K., and individuals who individuals: trauma victims, surgery patients, premature have spent 6 months or more associated with military bases babies, individuals with anemia, cancer patients and many in Europe from 1980 through 1996 more.

Reasons for not donating blood (temporary): You should eat a good meal that includes iron-rich foods – • Current cold or flu symptoms, including a cough, sore throat like red meat; green, leafy vegetables; and iron-fortified cere- and/or fever als – and drink plenty of fluids one to two hours before donat- • Dental work – defer for 24 hours after procedure for root ing blood. canal, oral surgery, extraction of wisdom teeth; must be • Giving whole blood requires a waiting period of 56 days asymptomatic in all instances and all packing removed between donations.

• Pregnancy, miscarriage or abortion – defer for 6 weeks after • If you donate plasma (your red cells are returned to you), you delivery or termination of pregnancy may donate every 28 days.

• Blood Transfusion – defer one year • If you donate platelets (your red cells and most of your • Malaria – defer for 3 years after last symptoms plasma are returned to you), you may donate every seven • Mononucleosis – must be fully recovered days, with a maximum of 24 times per year.

• Ear or Body Piercing under non-sterile conditions – one year • If you are type A blood group you would make a terrific • Tattoo –there is a one year deferral platelet donor! It takes a little more time, but it helps people The Procedure: who are quite ill.

• Remember, type A blood group makes good plasma donors, •Prospective donors first complete a health history and type O and B blood make good red cell or whole blood questionnaire and screening interview.

•The next step involves a brief physical examination of blood donors.

If you donate double red cells (most of your plasma is pressure, pulse, temperature and a test for anemia. returned to you), you must wait 112 days before your next •If the prescribed medical requirements are met, a unit (about donation. Double red cell donors must meet certain weight, one pint) of blood is drawn from the donor. Afterwards, donors are served refreshments while remaining seated for height and hemoglobin (iron) requirements.

Your body will replace the blood volume (plasma) within 48 10 minutes. hours. It will take four to eight weeks for your body to com- •The entire process usually takes less than one hour. pletely replace the red blood cells you donated. The average adult has eight to 12 pints of blood. You will not notice any physical changes related to the pint you donated.

To find out where you can donate visit: www.donantesWho is excluded from donating blood? malaga.org or call the foreigners department at the • Hepatitis after age 11 Mijas Town Hall for more information • IV Drug User (even one time) Clinica Medicare is a Preferred Partner of “medilink” • Certain obstructive lung disorders Your British Health centre here on the Costa del Sol. For • Certain liver disorders more information on Clinica Medicare or any of our • Persons who have taken Tegison for psoriasis • Persons who have taken human-derived pituitary growth other Preferred Partners call “medilink” on 952 93 38 76 36

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Medical Mayhem

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?�

George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! the light goes off.� “Wow, that’s incredible� the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife. “Ethel� he says, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?� “Oh my God!� Ethel exclaims. “He’s p@~#ing in the fridge again!�

An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?,� “Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.� Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office. “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I’m farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?� “Calm down, Mrs. Harris,� said the doctor soothingly. “Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we’ll work on your hearing!!!�

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Health Well Being & HOW TO GET RID

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OF CELLUITE

LOOKED AT YOUR BOTTOM AND FOUND AAARRRRRGGGHHHH CELLUITE! THERE'S NO MIRACLE CURE FOR GETTING RID OF IT BUT LIFESTYLE CHANGES MAY HELP...

4 WEIRD TREATMENTS FOR CELLULITE THAT ACTUALLY WORK GOODBYE, AND GOOD RIDDANCE!

Ah, the C word. Cellulite is nothing to be ashamed of—because let’s face it: Most of us have it. Seriously, it's believed to occur in roughly 90 percent of post-adolescent females. A number of variables factor into the development of the unappealing dimpling, but none of that matters when you just want it to go away. These four remedies for cellulite may seem weird, but they're actually pretty effective.

CUCUMBERS:

Reasons to love cucumbers: They're hydrating and rich in vitamins. Applying slices directly to the skin allows phytochemicals in cucumbers to tighten collagen for a firm complexion. This can result in an almost-instant reduction of cellulite appearance.

COFFEE SCRUB:

Caffeine dilates blood vessels, which tightens the outer tissues of the skin. Used on skin, it also lets your body release toxins and metabolize fat. Making your own coffee scrub is super simple—just combine unused grounds with some of your favorite skin oils—like almond or olive—and you're done!

SEAWEED BATHS:

Thalassotherapy is a French skin-care treatment that involves applying hot water and seaweed to the skin— either in the form of a bath or a "wrap." Seaweed has a high volume of iodine, which increases thyroid function and local circulation of blood flow to minimize cellulite.

GELATIN:

Consuming gelatin—which isn't packed with sugar—has lots of health and body benefits, but it's incredibly efficient in increasing collagen production. Gelatin powder can be found at any supermarket and health food shops—just mix it into your favorite drink once daily to counteract collagen deficiency, which is partly to blame for cellulite in the first place. And yes, JELLY counts, although maybe not when it’s in a triffle...

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Top 5 facts about

YOUR BODY

1. Are you familiar with that little annoying eye-twitch that you get sometimes? This mini muscle spasm occurs more often in people who see eye to eye with the surprisingly common eyelash mite. About half of the world’s population keeps these little critters in their lashes.

2. The blood vessels in your face are close friends of the ones at the base of your brain. This means that the facial vessels transport a blood flow to the brain vessels, and that infections in the T-zone of your face can get the bad stuff in your blood to a bad place in your head.

3. Listen to your favorite Stevie Wonder records if your ear starts ringing, or if you notice small lapses in your hearing every now and then.You may soon join the ranks of those with impaired functions. AIED is a condition in which the autoimmune system in your body starts attacking your ear.The onset of AIED is difficult to define; more often than not, the sufferer’s hearing will be damaged before treatment can begin.

4. Exploding Eyes: Fuchs’ Corneal Dystrophy often goes unnoticed until it’s way too late. Only one percent of the population has this eye disease, so what happens? The gel inside the eyeball starts to fill up the cornea, the pressure builds, and pop!

5. Human Papillomavirus (HPV) is one of the most common sexually transmitted infections; its consequences can include genital warts which, if left untreated, can leave you with skin resembling the bark of a tree.

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A Man’s World

POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE...

You Gotta Have A Positive Attitude...Thursday night he gradually came to….Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You have been badly injured and i must warn you that you may not feel anything from the waist down.” He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel just your boobs, then?” NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE..!!

WOMAN V’S FROG...

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up” He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.” He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog. The man said, “Are you talking to me?” The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.”The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts?

Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.” He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,“Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.”

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DR. DO-Anything!

A zoo had among its animals a female gorilla, whose mood was becoming increasingly difficult. The vet concluded that she was on heat and that a mate should be found. The vet contacted some other nearby zoos to find a partner for the broody female, but to no avail.

The female gorilla's behaviour continued to worsen, but the vet noticed that she grew calmer, and strangely responsive, whenever a particularly well-built and none-too-handsome keeper entered the enclosure.

Being an unprincipled and adventurous fellow, the vet put an outrageous proposition to the keeper: For a fee of five hundred pounds would the keeper consider spending a little 'quality time' with the gorilla, purely in the interests of research of course?

The keeper, also an unprincipled and adventurous fellow, pondered the suggestion, and after a few minutes agreed to the offer, subject to three conditions. The vet, intrigued, listened to the keeper's demands: “First,” the keeper said, “No kissing.”

“Fine,” said the vet.

“Second, no-one must ever know - if this gets out I'll kill you.”

“You have my word,” said the vet, “And your final condition?”

“It's just,” said the keeper a little awkwardly..... .....Can I have a couple of weeks to raise the five hundred quid?”

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Top 10 facts about

CHEESE

1. There are more than 800 named British cheeses.

2. The word cheese occurs only twice in the King James Bible, with cheeses also occurring once.

3. The Chinese equivalent of “say cheese”, to get a person to smile for a photograph, is to ask the subject to say “qieza”, which means aubergine.

4. “Cheese without a rind is like a maiden without shame,” (old Spanish proverb).

5. The cheese grater was invented by Francois Boullier in France in the 1540s.

6. There are six mentions of cheese in Shakespeare’s Merry Wives Of Windsor plus another seven in all the rest of his plays.

7. There were 2,615 entries from 22 countries at this year’s World Championship Cheese Contest in Wisconsin. A Swiss Emmentaler won the title.

8.You cannot make cheese in Wisconsin without a cheesemaker’s licence; Limburger cheesemakers require a master cheesemaker’s licence.

9. The earliest known use of the word cheesecake for pictures of attractive women was in 1934. The earliest reference to a cheeseburger was in 1938.

10. A musical cheese grater was patented in the US in 2013.

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Marble Floor Polishing Phone Paul: 654 589 218

Before

After

Free advice on how to care for your floors at www.marblefloor.info

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10 funniest jokes from the Edinburgh festival fringe 2014 1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust." – Tim Vine 2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set." – Masai Graham 3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief." – Mark Watson 4. "I was given some sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s." – Bec Hill 5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me." – Ria Lina 6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal."

– Paul F Taylor 7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying."

– Scott Capurro 8. "I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own a***hole." – Kevin Day 9. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven." – Jason Cook 10. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it." – Felicity Ward

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ALL REVVED UP...

The most glamorous motor show in the world took place at Pebble Beach in California last month and some of the concepts there were amazing!

McLaren revealed the first P1 GTR, which aims to be “the best driver’s car in the world on track”. With an aggressive body kit that makes it even more aerodynamically efficient than the standard P1. If the standard 904bhp P1 hybrid wasn’t quite enough, the GTR features an 82bhp power boost to 986bhp.

It is not known yet if the Toyota FT1, which stands for Future Toyota 1, will go into production, but we really hope so – but for now, you can download it to drive in the game Gran Tourismo 6.

Speaking of Gran Tourismo 6, the MercedesBenz AMG Vision is based on the car in the game although this is a fantasy project, it does provide the styling cues of the forthcoming GT AMG two-door sports car arriving on showroom floors in 2015.

The New Jaguar Lightweight E-Type unveiled at long last – 50 years after the last one was built.

Jaguar originally planned to build 18 cars but only built 12, the last six are now being built exactly to the original specifications – expect to pay well over 1m Euros if you want one!

The BMW Future Luxury concept is the basis of the new flagship 9-series expected in 2016 it has carbon-fiber bars that serve as B-pillars between the front and rear suicide doors and are barely noticeable when the doors are open.

Unfortunately this feature will not be available on the production model.

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Strangebuttrue...

These Strange But True Facts Will Really Surprise You

• In France in the 1500’s, women could charge their husbands with impotence. He would have to become erect and show he could ejaculate in a courtroom. If he failed, he could demand a Trail by Congress and attempt to have sex with his wife in front of the experts.

• A blind American named Daniel Kish taught himself to navigate using ecolocation. His hobbies include hiking and mountain biking, and he has now trained over 500 students in his ‘tongue-click’ technique.

• In 1994, a convicted murderer was granted a retrial after it came to light that four of his jurors had used a Quija board to consult the victim before rendering a verdict.

• Don’t try this at home… In 2000, a Mexican woman named Ines Ramirez Perez successfully performed a C-section on herself after 12 hours of continual pain with a kitchen knife and three glasses of hard liquor, while her husband was drinking in a local bar.

• In David Fincher’s thriller Se7en, Kevin Spacey refused billing on the film, fearing that it might compromise the ending if audiences were waiting for him to appear.

• There are only 5 countries in the world that still use Fahrenheit to measure temperature, the Bahamas, Belize, the Caymen Islands, Palau and the United States.

• When Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Tudeau found out Nixon called him an “a*****e” he replies “I’ve been called worse things by better people”. Can’t argue with that!

• Colonel Sanders disliked what the KFC franchise had done to the food so much that he described it as “the worst fried chicken I’ve ever seen” and called the “gravy” wallpaper paste.

GARDEN CENTER L I N D AV I S TA

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Ctra de Cadiz, Km171,29670, San Pedro de Alcantara, Behind McDonalds in San Pedro. Tel; 952785206

CLM©2008

HU GE RA NGE OF: POT S lG ARD E N TO OLS lPLA NT S FLOW ERS & S HRU B S lG A RDEN FU RNI TU RE lG A R D E N O R N A M E N TS

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FINANCIAL NEWS

For those old enough, cast your mind back to the 1972 film of Cabaret starring Liza Minnelli and one of the songs was "Money Makes the World Go Around" and right now Mr Draghi (ECB) and the Eurozone could do with a bit more money going around. In July Germany won the world cup , well back in 1972 West Germany beat the old Soviet Union to win the European Championships. Now in 2014 it’s the new Germany and Russia that can have the greatest impact upon the current weak and fragile recovery taking place in the Eurozone.

Markets have been a bit unnerved with recent data from Germany where investor confidence fell from 27.1 in June to 8.6 in July and that's the sharpest fall since 2012. With factory orders plunging and future exports to Russia being hit by economic sanctions then Germany has to find a demand for exports closer to home or the UK and US. The Eurozone has depended on Germany and its previous strong data to maintain a positive outlook for the zone however with Portugal dropping into deflation and Italy's inflation rate falling to zero then Mr Draghi should be having one or two sleepless nights.

The sick list in the zone continues to grow; France which is currently lagging behind euro neighbours has been joined by Italy where the question is "will the ECB step in with a rescue package?" Italy has now entered its 3rd recession in 6 years with GDP falling by .2% in the second quarter, no clear sign of

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recovery on the landscape and its national debt continues to increase and now stands around 2.1 trillion euros and the markets want action from the ECB. In the UK house prices are now 5 times earnings and the number of new mortgages approved in June rose by around 6% to just under £18biilion a big increase on the previous year, hey we all realise there is still a divide, if you are in London or the South East you will be feeling very happy with the growth in price. The rest of the country whilst seeing increased prices will never catch up with London. The auto industry continues to move ahead as for the 29th month new car sales rose and will be at their highest level since 2004. When the Bank of England met the interest rate was held at. %% for the 65th month but Mr Carney has said there were a few signs of deceleration and of course his other concern is the lack of real wage growth particularly with inflation heading towards its 2% target. The UK saw its trade gap widen during June as exports of goods fell by £. 4billion and imports also decreased slightly. The strength of the pound has made exports dearer and it continues to make it harder for businesses to sell abroad. Due to adverse currency movement 60 odd blue chip companies issued profit warnings, which in itself causes concern for future growth. If you want to make the most of your currency transfer please contact Moneycorp on 952 587 657 and mention Costa Link Magazine.

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Make a savoury tarte tatin with sweet and sour-slow cooked tomatoes on a crisp puff pastry base, YUM!

Slow-Roast Tomato Tatin

Ingredients:

• 25g butter • Splash of good olive oil • 800g medium and small mixed tomatoes, halved across the middle and seeds roughly scooped out • 1 tbsp light soft brown sugar • 1 tbsp red wine vinegar • 1 tbsp fresh thyme leaves or oregano, plus extra to serve • 375g block all-butter puff pastry • Plain flour, for dusting

Method:

1) Heat oven to 220C/200C fan/gas 7. Melt the butter with a splash of olive oil in your widest frying pan. Add the tomatoes, skin-side down, in a single layer (you can do this in 2 batches if they won’t all fit) and cook over a low heat until they release their juices. Lift out with a slotted spoon and rearrange in a tart tin (roughly 23cm), skin-side down – cram them in as they will shrink a little and you don’t want any gaps. Add the sugar and vinegar to the pan, and cook until the pan juices are reduced and syrupy. Drizzle over the tomatoes in the tin, then scatter with the oregano or thyme and season. 2) Roll the pastry out on a lightly floured surface to a good 25-26cm round. Lay on top of the tomatoes, and tuck the edges down. Use a fork to prick holes all over the pastry – this will help the steam to escape. 3) Sit the tart tin on a flat baking tray and bake for 30 mins or until the pastry is golden brown and crisp. Let the tart sit for 10 mins, then run a knife round the edge to release the pastry. Carefully flip the tart over onto a serving plate or board and scatter with more herbs to serve.

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What’s On Guide...

22nd August to 7th September: The popular Beer Festival returns to the Sohail Castle every year to share the flavours of German cuisine and the world’s best beers. Gazebos and tables are set up to welcome international dishes, concerts and, of course, the world’s best beers. For more info call: 952 46 74 57. The beer festival opens at 7pm until 2am Monday to Friday and 12pm – 2am Saturdays and Sundays. Entrance is free.

6th to 7th September: Fiesta de la Vendimia. Celebrations begin early in Manilva, a village with a long wine-making tradition.The procession is followed by one of the most heartfelt moments: the offering of the best grape bunches to Virgin Mary and stomping of the grapes to extract the first must of the season. Dozens of local dwellers come to Mar Street to watch the stomping ceremony and try the first wine of the season.

5th to 9th September: Mijas Feria. Lots to do party all day and night check out the website www.mijasguide.com for more information.

12th September: Fama Summer Ball THEME: CHAMPAGNE & GLITZ. To reserve a table please e mail pauline.fama@gmail.com or phone: 620 354 885. Venue Valparaiso - Four course dinner.

13th September: At the Salon Varietes Theatre - ABBA Tribute quartet perform those magical ABBA songs. For further information or to book tickets please contact the box office on 952 47 45 42. Box office opening hours are 11 to 2.30 Monday to Saturday and an hour before the show begins 16th September: Estepona Floral Art Club will be holding a flower arranging demonstration from 3pm to 5pm at Aidan’s Bar and Grill Restaurant, 4/5 Monte Mayor, Cancelada. This event is open to the public and promises to be a great afternoon, learn how to create beautiful floral art displays, also pick up valuable insider hints and tips on flower care and arranging. For more information please make your reservation with Aidans on 952 887 828. There is parking. Alternatively, please call Jo on 952 891 385.

19th - 23rd September: When Did You Last See Your Trousers?.. the outrageous farce. At the Salon Varietes Theatre see above for the contact details.

27th - 28th September: Forever Divas a marvellous selection of songs from the Golden Age of Musicals including tributes to Gershwin, Cole Porter, Rodgers & Hammerstein and more. At the Salon Varietes Theatre see above for the contact details.

Every Monday: 11 am – 1 pm: Age Care Drop In where people can chat, share experiences and find out about living in Spain at La Iglesia Bar, near Bonanza Square, Benalmadena Costa.

Every Monday: Arts and Crafts Fair in Benahavis at 8pm in the Main Square in Benahavis.

Every Tuesday: The Costa Women Coffee Club meet every second Tuesday at 10am – 12.30pm for coffee, chats and other activities and is a social group designed to get ladies of all ages together. It’s best to join the group via Facebook or contact Emma on 608 408 771.

Every Tuesday: Dance with JiveSpain Miraflores Resturant from 8pm - 11pm. For more information see website at www.jivespain.com or call Colin on: 635 717 211.

Every Tuesday: 11 am – 1 pm Age Care Coffee Morning where people can chat, share experiences and find out about living in Spain at the Cafe in Supersol, El Zoco, Calahonda or call us on Tel 952 933 409.

Every Wednesday: at 11:30am the Malaga Picasso Museum is offering free guided tours in English which is included with the price of admission Every Wednesday: Dance with JiveSpain at El Campanario, San Pedro, from 8pm - 11pm.

Every Thursday: Dance with JiveSpain at Tikitano Restaurant, Estepona from 8pm - 11pm.

Every Thursday: Market at Calypso, Calahonda Every Thursday: 10 am – 12.30 pm: Age Care Drop In where people can chat, share experiences and find out about living in Spain at Manilla Bar, Paseo Maritimo, Los Boliches, Fuengirola.

Every Thursday: Flea Market from 9am next to Aldi in Las Lagunas, plenty of parking.

Every Friday: Dance with JiveSpain at Hotel El Goleto, Duquesa from 8pm - 11pm.

Every Sunday: Dance with JiveSpain take over the dance floor at Atalaya Park Hotel.

Every Sunday: Flea Market EVERY Sunday 10am till 2pm at Calypso, Calahonda.

Every Sunday: FAMA have a car boot sale at the Hippodrome from 9am - 2pm.

Every Sunday: Craft Market every Sunday in the Marbella Marina on the Teresa Zabell Pier: 12-6pm.

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If you have an event, fundraiser or anything else please let us know... email: editor@costalinkmagazine.com phone: 951 216 131 or 663 061 669

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ocal Info Emergency Numbers

---

Central number for Fire, Police & Ambulance National Police Local Police Guardia Civil dica

Medical

112 091 092 062

Emergency 061 Ambulance Marbella 902 505 061 Ambulance Coin 952 453 267

Train Timetables 902 240 202 Airports Malaga 952 048 844 Gibraltar 956 773 026

Health Centres

Marbella 952 769 946 Coin 952 452 767 San Pedro 952 787 700

Town Halls

Marbella 952 761 100 San Pedro 952 453 020 La Cala de Mijas 952 493 208 Fuengirola 952 589 300 Estepona 952 801 100

Fire Brigade

Emergency number 080 Marbella 952 774 349 Estepona 952 804 483 Fuengirola 952 461 046

Consulates

British Ireland Denmark Sweden Germany France U.S.A

952 952 952 952 952 952 952

Marbella Coin Estepona Fuengirola San Pedro

952 771 442 952 822 818 952 822 818 952 467 457 952 785 252

352 475 226 604 212 226 474

300 108 373 383 442 590 891

Tourist Information

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Transport

Bus Stations Marbella 952 764 400 Coin 952 450 366 San Pedro 952 781 396 Estepona 952 800249 For a list of complete times www.andalucia.com/travel/bus

Markets

Monday - Marbella (fairground site on east side) Tuesday - Fuengirola (fairground near Los Boliches) Wednesday - Calypso (Mijas Costa & Estepona (Avda. Juan Carlos) La Cala - Feria ground Thursday - San Pedro (Recinto Ferial) Alhaurin el Grande - (La Fama) Saturday - Coin (Calle Urbano Pineda) & Nueva Andalucia (Next to Centro Plaza the Bullring).

La Cala - Feria ground.

Sunday - Puerto Estepona (Marina).

Cinemas

All the Cinemas listed below show films in English as well as Spanish. Call first to check what is showing that week.

Marbella: Cinesur Plaza del Mar 952 766 941 La Cañada 902 333 231 Puerto Banus: Gran Marbella 952 810 077 Coin: La Trocha 951 315 039 Fuengirola Cinesur Miramar 902 221 622

Chemists

24 hour chemist Urb. Artola, Ctra. Cadiz Km 194. Marbella.

Tel: 952 83 25 89

Taxis

Marbella Taxis 952 774 488 Mijas Costa Taxis 952 476 593

Diary Dates

05/09/2014: Dia del Tourista many towns on the Costa del Sol celebrate with traditional dress, dancing and cuisine.

08/09/2014: Mijas “Virgin of the Rock”. Public holiday with many religious processions.

05/09/2014 - 09/09/2014: Mijas Feria. Lots to do party all day and night check out the website www.mijasguide.com for more information

if you would like to sponsor this page please call 951 216 131

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S TA R S I GN S

A look at what's in store for you during September 2014.....

Capricorn

Capricorn you should already be feeling the energy from Mars as we speak! This continues throughout the month bringing passion that can be channeled into relationships and your home and family life, thanks to the August’s late New Moon. Confidence and attractiveness from Mars, plus a feeling of emotional balance and harmony from the Moon means that this is the ideal time to make great progress in all areas you’ll have extra support from family and friends, and there should be a lot less resistance to your plans and goals. Mercury also makes a very positive appearance from Sept 1st to 6th giving you clear thinking and sharp communication skills. Time to ask for a raise, debate, convince, or apply for a job. You can speak forcefully and directly without upsetting others.

Aquarius

Aquarius you'll be the most fortunate creature of the zodiac in September 2014! Venus and Jupiter will make it a wonderful month to start a new relationship, to refresh an existing one or to give another try to a past love that you still long for. You'll be thirsty for love and you'll also have the opportunity to go for it. As for work September brings change expect a dynamic month from the professional perspective, scattered with ambition, challenges, fights and brave initiatives. You'll feel the need to measure your strength, to show what you're capable of. Your wish to stand out might not be exactly comfortable to your superiors or authorities, so you'd better keep some limits of discipline and diplomacy if you don't want to confront them. Assess the impact of your actions on your image and reputation!

Pisces

Pisces, relationships are key in September your house of couples acquires strength and glow under the Sunrays, keeping things under control and making sure that everything turns out well this month. September 2014 will be a good time in relationships to talk, explain, listen, understand, negotiate, and find ideas. You’ll like what you do at work this month there will be a pleasant environment, you get along well with colleagues, and the work is well paid. September will definitely be a month of collaboration though. You'll have the capacity to motivate, convince and mobilize people for some shared objectives and almost everything you'll do will be together or in agreement with the colleges this month.

Professional training will contribute to improving your financial situation.

Aries

Taurus

Gemini 70

Aries, Venus, the planet of love will bring attention to the connections between your home relationships and the workplace this month. Maybe this could represent a new affair that will occur at work or maybe an existing relationship will develop and grow. Also at work collaborations, associations and relationships with colleagues will be at the foreground this month. There will be a great predisposition for teamwork and even if you generally work well on your own, you will now have more success working side by side with somebody else. After September 14th 2014, Mars will focus its energies on trips and activities. Set your path this month, make an attack plan - and go… the stars are with you Aries they are just lining up for a great few month to come!

Taurus, you’ll go through an enchanting period this month the Sun and Venus are going sprinkling fairy dust over you throughout September. Any tensions in your relationship have been exposed and will now fade away. In September 2014, luck will provide wonderful opportunities to have fun, accompanied by circumstances that will favour the appearance of love. Here's a month in which you can bring the proof of your entire creativity, in which you can display your talents and skills. Throughout the month, the work seems to be well paid and collaborations will be profitable. If you are keen on something or have a hobby, make more room for it in your life! Physical activity will do you good, especially if it is done together with your partner (dance, tennis, etc.).

Gemini's ruler Mercury will be right bang slap in the middle of your sign this month. Many things are changing not you will notice a whole new world of loving and flirting open up. Your whole world will become more animated and colourful, make the most of this time Gemini if you are single now is the moment to meet someone a soul mate maybe… If you are in a relationship new sparks of passion will fly. Your interests in September 2014 seem to be oriented especially towards the private life, family and properties, rather than professional accomplishments and ambition. Socialise a lot, meet new people, build new friendships and partnerships! You'll have a lot of physical energy and you'd better use it in demanding physical activities (walks, cycling, tennis, swimming, etc.).

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Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Cancer, September will bring changes in your romantic predispositions, shyness will fade away your love life is going to be hot, hot, hot this month. Your career and finances will be looking good all month Mars, will be in a strong position, which will allow you to advance, impose, self-promote and benefit from some advantageous circumstances. The Sun and Mercury will lend you dynamism and enterprising spirit and will support you when negotiating, deciding, analyzing, calculating. You'll do as well when it comes to intellectual, commercial or creative-artistic matters. However, even if things go generally well this month, you might experience a sensation of dissatisfaction or feel that you need a change, something new or different. Start learning something new that could help your career!

Leo, on September 6th Venus the planet of love will gracefully step into Leo. It'll be by your side until October 3rd, in which period it'll spoil you with its precious gifts. Venus will enhance your charm and power of seduction; will draw the attention of the opposite sex on you like a magnet. The need to receive and give affection will grow. Throughout the month you'll be in a good, optimistic and playful mood and you'll intensely feel like having fun, and all this will improve your life. Even an older, steady relationship could be positively influenced by Venus’s charms, look out world you’ll be hot to trot! Venus will be capable of increasing your ability to cooperate within a group or partnership, bringing you success with team work, associations and contacts with clients or colleagues. Avoid discussions with parents and don't rush to domestic decisions this month!

Virgo, Venus, the planet of love, will be right in your sign throughout September 2014, so you should expect a period of love and romance. You'll manifest charm you'll have temptations and indecent proposals put in your sights, which seem to be more frequent now than ever. On the bad side though you won’t be able to resist them! You'll have a lot of fun and you'll socialise a lot, therefore you won't lack opportunities. Personal charm will help you, no doubt, this month on the business and finance front. You'll benefit from popularity and luck, but you'll have high ambitions also. Money will be an important component to Virgos in September 2014 and you can earn well, but it is recommended that you are prudent because there might be surprises.

Libra you’ll have something going on all month with three transits one after another, climaxing at the end with a most intense full moon. The first influence comes from a beneficial Venus between September 6th to 16th this is a fabulous time for socialising, love and money. The optimum day for all this is on September 13th. Uranus is in your sign this year, which has meant a lot of tension and forced changes in your life. However Venus will now soften this affect and can lead to pleasant surprises and bit of excitement without the recent upsets. Next up is Mercury passing through your skies from September 17th to 23rd bringing a full on week with lots of personal interaction and communication. Your mind will be running at a 100 miles an hour which may be unsettling or just frankly frazzling, you may find it hard to stay focused.

Scorpio expect an excellent start to September with a number of different factors combining to give you tremendous strength and power to succeed. The August 23rd new moon means that in the first half of September you should feel balanced and confident, and enjoy good relationships and a supporting home and family life. Mars is in your sign up until September 9th this is going to give a great energy boost making you strong, attractive and brave. Now is the time to take the lead and push ahead with confidence, go for what you really want, chase something or someone you are passionate about. Mercury in your skies from September 1st to 6th adds clear thinking and positive communications. You should know exactly what you want and can talk about it in a direct yet friendly manner earning you favours and respect.

Sagittarius you start this month with some tension because the August 23rd new moon is directly in your sign. The added tension is most likely to come in the form of relationship difficulties with family or partners. Mercury in your sign from September 1st to 6th means that this first week is the most problematic as this Mercury transit increases nervous tension and can make it more difficult to fully understand relationships dynamics, it may reduces your ability to express yourself clearly compromise is needed at this time. Things improve quickly and the rest of this month is really fortunate, starting with the harmonious Venus making an appearance in your sign between Sept 6th and 16th. This will ease any tension and make you feel more sociable, others will seem friendlier towards you. Sept 23rd to Oct3rd many changes are happening making for a wonderful time with many positive changes and more excitement in life.

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puzzle Link The Words

Solutions on page 84

it out

In each of these puzzles, three words are listed. All you have to do is find another word that can preceed each of these 3 words.

1)

___

LESS

3)

___

LIGHT

2) 4) 5)

___ _____ _____

END

UP

CHAIR

PIT

REST

HOME

BIKE

WAY

WORK

CENTRE CHAIN

DREAM WEIGHT

Guess The Celeb

A

B

Sudoku

Brain Teaser THE LION & THE UNICORN Alice came across a lion and a unicorn in a forest of forgetfulness. The lion lies every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and the other days he speaks the truth.

The unicorn lies on Thursday, Fridays and Saturdays and the other days of the week he speaks the truth.

Lion: Yesterday I was lying.

Unicorn: So was I.

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Which day did they say that?

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Crossword

Across: 1. Topmost (7) 5. Victoria Beckham's nickname (4) 8. Indian lute (5) 9. Rowing accessories (7) 11. Simple (4) 12. Stoppered bottle (8) 15. South African province (5) 16. Conditions (5) 19. Outside garment (8) 21. Eye infection (4) 23. English city (7) 25. Batman's partner (5) 26. Owl's cry (4) 27. German city (7) Down: 2. Not having made a will (9) 3. Channel island (4) 4. Light evening meal (6) 5. Batman's leg guard (3) 6. Soft leather (5) 7. A valuable possession (5) 10. Trader (6) 13. Schedule (9) 14. Overpaid company boss (3,3) 17. Flower (6) 18. Controls (5) 20. Star sign (5) 22. Group of three (4) 24. Habitual drunkard (3)

Name The Film

A A massive box office smash in 2012 B this arachnid hit sees Peter Parker take a bite that changes his life forever.

This 1983 film sees a snobbish investor and a wily street con artist find their positions reversed as part of a bet by two callous millionaires.

Say What You See...

COFFEE

twins twins

payment

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The Jokes page

Jokes page

A small t wo-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this morning. Local search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were talking about screams of passion.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest, extra virgin, olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop, for five minutes".

The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love.

I made her scream for fifteen minutes".

The Englishman said: "That's nothing!

Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, we then made love and I made her scream for two, long hours".

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal. What were you doing to her to make her scream for two hours"?

The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains".

Got arrested at the airport last week.

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

The other day I bought a packet of peanuts, on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''

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The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

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puzzle Trivia Quiz Answers 1) Darwin 2) Bradley Walsh 3) 28 inches (71.1 cm) 4) Tom Hanks 5) Pheasant 6) Capulet and Montague 7) Afghanistan 8) Mercury 9) Take That 10) Ricky Butcher 11) Arc de Triomphe 12) Russia 13) Stephen Hawkins 14) Petrol 15) Fish 16) Cliff Richard 17) 4 18) Europe 19) Andes 20) John Gielgud 21) Mayflower 22) 4 23) Keats 24) Colorado 25) Ian Fleming 26) James Earl Jones 27) Bill Wyman 28) Persius 29) Auckland 30) Frank and Nancy Sinatra

Answers from 26, 74 & 75

it out

Link The Words

1)Leg 2)Arm 3)Day 4)Motor 5)Paper

Guess The Celeb a) Beyoncé Knowles b) David Beckham

Brain Teaser

The Lion & The Unicorn ANSWER… As there is no day when both would be lying, at least one of them must have spoken the truth. They both speak the truth only on Sunday. However, the Lion would then be lying in his statement, so it couldn’t be said on Sunday. So only one of them lied. If the Unicorn was the honest one then it would have to be Sunday – but previously we proved this wrong. Thus the Lion & Unicorn must have spoken on a Thursday talking about a Wednesday. So the Unicorn was lying.

Crossword Solution

Sudoku Solution

Name The Film

a) The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) b) Trading Places (1983)

Say What You See 1) Coffee Break

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2)Identical Twins 3) Down Payment

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