chris blurrinator

A charismatic charmer with a love for flowers and space. An approach to living through colors, and feelings as they express their sentimental side hidden by their quiet exterior.

I’ve kind of always known I was gay. I remember having a crush on Batman from the cartoons in the early-mid 90’s. So even around 7/8 years old. I always knew I wasn’t like everyone else around me in grade school. I grew up in a household, where my parents weren’t religious. But, my family around me were religious. And living/growing up in the south, being open about that stuff..especially in the 90s and early 2000’s was like a big no no.

I was in high-school when I started to realize more signs definitely of me being gay . And I had a best friend who was also gay. And I recall him knowing about me being gay. And we confided in each other about that. His parents also weren’t aware of him being gay, either. Well, I remember him coming to visit me after school. My parents kind of always allowed my friends to hang at my house and they were always treated by my parents like their own kids.

But, to cut the story short... my best friend of that time, happened to show my mom stuff I was sending a guy on MySpace at the time. MySpace was a thing during this time incase any of you guys are asking what is MySpace? Well, it was nothing bad or dirty. But, recalling I think it was just like simple compliments to a guy via comments on this dudes profile. Well, mind you..my friend showed my mom this without even telling me he was gonna do that and I had no awareness of it until hours later.

Now, I don’t know if any of you get sick to your stomach when confrontation happens. Despite me finding confrontation therapeutic sometimes.. in this situation? It made me sick. I remember my mom coming to my room, and sitting down with me over it. She had a look on her I’ll never forget. Almost a look of confusion, and concerns. After all, I get it. We didn’t live in a very open minded place. Being open here was kind of putting a target on your back for the rest of your life.

We had a talk. A long one. I remember sort of us discussing how long I’ve known? Why was I keeping it a secret? Am I sure of this? Things like that. She told me she wasn’t angry. But, she had some concerns and that she loved me. Though, hearing that and knowing she was okay with it. Didn’t help put my mind at ease. I just had to get away from my house for a little bit. So, I left that evening and just went for a long walk through the mountains to clear my head.

So many thoughts going through my head on how I couldn’t believe someone in my life outside of my best friend knew. Of course, I know you’re thinking.. a best friend or any friend for that matter wouldn’t out your business like that. You’d be also 100% correct. But, we’ve all fell into traps of toxic friendships and I was also a teenager. So forgive my naiveness.

Well, anyway..little by little, more of my family found out about me being gay. Some were okay with it. Some considered it a sin. Some thought I was just pretending (there’s a story here. But, I’ll save it for another time). But, in truth? I wasn’t concerned about people accepting or even not accepting me being gay. I know in the long run of things..I had it lucky. I didn’t get kicked out, or shunned by my family. So everyday I am grateful for that. But, I do know having the opportunity to be myself (even if it was robbed of me initially) allowed me to grow up being mentally okay with that aspect of my life.

And if you’re wondering? Yes. I’m no longer friends with that best friend from High School. I have no ill towards them. I think it would have been too easy to out them myself. And frankly? It wouldn’t have been fair to them even despite them doing the same to me. Now in my 30s, I look back at that time a lot differently. Young me would have definitely been more revengeful. But, now, I’m content with my life and how things turned out. I’m happy my coming out experience left me a bit unscathed because instead of being hated, I was embraced.

At the end of the day..I think that’s all any of us really want.