Remote Control

I know I’m a food addict because I see my addiction in many of my behaviors. The two rocks I have to stand on are my higher power (whom I call God) and FA. Addiction reveals itself in my life if I stray from one of these two rocks.

Take television, for instance, that seductive little black box. TV is not a problem for everyone, but I know that, for me, it can become a trap if I’m not spiritually alert. It says, “Come relax, I am how you unwind.” I witness my disease each time I pick up the remote when I don’t want to.

Just as my mind used to tell me that I could eat just one sugar item, I tell myself that I can watch just one TV show. Just as I used to tell myself to put the sugar down after the first item, I order myself, after one TV show, to get up and stop clicking the remote. As with food, I’m miserable and I can’t stop even though I want to. There is light at the end of this tunnel. Through using my tools of prayer, writing, phone calls, and talking with my sponsor, I have been able to stop engaging in this binge-like behavior.

At one point I wanted to stop watching TV as part of my abstinence. My sponsor, in her infinite wisdom, advised against it. She taught me that there will always be something to lure me toward my disease and that it’s up to me to go to God. I learned that I can’t swear off every single thing in my life. I must strengthen my God muscle. She suggested that I look for restorative and renewing activities. Now I lie on the floor and breathe or go for a walk in the hills.

Just for today, television is not an issue. I’ve learned that TV watching is an activity, not a source of renewal or the only way for me to unwind. I watch it occasionally and it’s fun. I have a thriving career, which keeps me busy. I listen to music and read more. And silence. Good old-fashioned silence. I can breathe again.