Thinking Like a Business Owner:
I
A philosophy and business plan for survivors of family of origin abuse
am a therapist in private practice for over twenty years. I am also a survivor of Family of Origin Abuse. As I encourage my clients to do when facing a life altering event, I gave my life a deep dive audit. The outcome was a philosophy and a business plan proven beneficial for the survivors of family of origin abuse I’ve worked with in my practice. Custody of Self Like my clients who grew up immersed in chaos and fear, I spent much of my life looking for "home". Home was contingent on a parental- like approval from practically whomever I was interacting with, regardless of age or circumstance. These designated others became like casting directors who could deem survivors for the role of “home-worthy”. For many survivors of early child abuse, every situation can be like a new audition with new casting directors to say yay or nay to their level of worth, intellect and presentation. In my deep dive, I factored in the dynamic of an Identified Patient dealing with abusive relatives, where the IP comes away from the interaction feeling like tangible property. Right then, in mid dive it hit me. What so many survivors 30
October 2021 InSession | FMHCA.org
were giving away to others was custody of self. Because of the patterned frequency of giving others custody of self, Freud’s Repetition Compulsion fit the aspect of striving for a pseudo “second chance” to correct the damage. But exactly what was repeatedly given away became clear. An image of me struggling to respond to a bitchy comment at a party reminded me of the feelings that preempted handing my custody of self over to a “superior”. Holding this image and challenging my then beliefs helped me recognize that I was my full custodian – on a logical level. I didn’t feel like it often, especially when in either abusive environments or modestly mean situations. The goal was to learn what being a full, consistent self-custodian looked like and felt like by practicing acting -as if- I was my full custodian regardless of approval and no matter how frightening the potential rejection of another person felt. In alignment with Dr. Albert Ellis and his REBT, Custody of Self is a philosophy ideal for use as “D” to dispute negative beliefs within the ABC’s of REBT. The specifics of practicing, eye contact, posture, lower, slower speech pitch, direct language emanated from holding Custody of Self as a POV worth working towards, even in a start comprised of tiny moments. Beyond individuation
