Coaching Clients Toward Sexual Integrity W
hen I began my career as a therapist, I never intended to specialize in sex therapy. It just seemed to organically evolve. The more I worked with individuals and couples on matters related to sex, the more I realized I was not prepared to effectively navigate these cases. Unfortunately, at that time and place, there were few viable options for these clients. At least I could be empathetic and nonjudgmental. Eventually, I pursued certification as a sex therapist and a Ph.D. in clinical sexology. It has been over thirty years since I began my career as a therapist. I have seen clients in both inpatient and outpatient treatment settings. Half that time I have spent in private practice specializing in clinical sexology, the science of sex. I have discovered that compromised sexual integrity is the common thread through every sex therapy case I have had. Integrity is the virtue of honesty and transparency. Sexual integrity is the experience of knowing who you are as a sexual being and allowing others to know you as a sexual being as well. Until we fully own our sexual truth, we will never be able to achieve a relationship that is both emotionally intimate and sexually fulfilling. I help clients accept the reality of who they are as sexual beings. I coach them to lean toward their instincts and desires. For sexual relationships to flourish there must be sexual authenticity. A relationship where you cannot be yourself is a relationship built on lies and deception. Hypocrisy is the opposite of integrity. While "The Sexual Integrity Coach®" is my registered trademark, the concept of sexual integrity is not new, 64
October 2021 InSession | FMHCA.org
and I am not the first to use that term. Others have written and spoken on the subject. "Sexual Integrity" is the title of several books, including my own, Sexual Integrity: Finding the Courage to be Yourself. We authors don't all approach the subject from the same perspective. Some write from a religious opinion and as you can expect, take a very different approach than I. While some books coach the reader to repress their sexual truth, I coach my readers to embrace it. Sexual oppression is imposed from external forces that seek to control the sexual thoughts and behaviors of others. It can occur overtly through laws that punish those who do not conform. It can occur covertly by denying people access to other options or even the knowledge that other options exist. Sexual repression is internally imposed as a result of living in a sexually oppressive environment. It is how the individual attempts to control themselves to comply with the demands of the oppressor. Both are barriers to sexual integrity. Both are a product of a sex-negative culture. From early childhood we are taught to dissociate our sexuality as if it is alien to our true self. We compartmentalize it in our mind like an alter ego. Instead of embracing our sexuality as a healthy expression of our unique individuality, we regard it as a mere activity that can only occur under certain prescribed circumstances. We spend our lives trying to live inside the tiny box we have been given. We are a nation obsessed with sex, yet we are sexual illiterates. Most states in the US do not offer science-based sex education in public schools or even universities. Where attempts at sex education exists, it can be so censured that it is un-relatable for the average person. Sexual myths prevail over facts. This is a consequence of living in a sexnegative society.
