Aug/Sep
2015
CREATING COMMUNITY IN LOSS
UNPLUG YOUR KID!
DON’T FILL DOWNTIME WITH SCREEN TIME. WE EXPLAIN WHY
RESPONDING
POSITIVELY
TO NEGATIVITY
BANISHING MOMMY (OR DADDY) GUILT
FOR GOOD
contents Contents ON THE COVER
{Tap any title to jump to an article!}
AND MORE… “A” is for Advice Our advice expert dishes on dealing with overzealous parents and making parties welcoming to allergic children.
Homework: More or Less?
Feeling guilty for sneaking some time for yourself? Here’s why you shouldn’t feel bad (and why you should be alone more often).
Responding Positively to Negativity Contributor Cyndi Wright shares advice for teaching children how to respond to respond to negative comments.
Unplug Your Kid! Don’t fill downtime with screen time. We explain why.
Creating Community in Loss Jennifer Gilbreath shares how she made the most of a personal tragedy — and how you can, too.
FEATURES Turn Chore Time into Quality Time
Get Cooking! Do you cook with your kids? We serve up advice on getting started and why it’s important.
Making a Daycare Determination Our quick primer will help you find the perfect childcare solution for your family.
Choosing a Pediatrician Five ways to find the pediatrician who’s right for your family.
Protect, but Don’t Shelter
Make the daily grind about more than just your job.
Give your children the tools they need to soar.
Get Your Mojo Flowing
Pop Those Peepers!
Find out how making time for intimacy can realign your relationship and set a positive example for the kids.
Vision problems can crop up unexpectedly and impede learning. Keep an eye on your child and make sure they have the vision care they need.
Save your Green for Greens Seven ways to go veg without breaking the bank.
Be a Sleepover Sleuth Is your child asking permission to attend a sleepover? Do a little detective work before you say yes.
Before Kindergarten Bucket List Make a fun bucket list (or use ours) to make the most of those preschool years!
COVER PHOTO: JUPITERIMAGES/THINKSTOCK. PHOTO: FUSE/THINKSTOCK
Banishing Mommy (or Daddy) Guilt for Good
Do you ever wonder what dictates your child’s homework regimen? Curious about how much homework they should actually be assigned? Keep reading to find out.
Carissa Pelletier PUBLISHER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MANAGING EDITOR
Jennifer Anderson GRAPHIC DESIGNERS
Alvaro Beleza Livia Beleza CONTRIBUTING EDITOR
Crystal Plante CONTRIBUTORS
Cyndi Wright Jen Leeman Jennifer Gilbreath Lynda Harlos Robert Pelletier Sadie Lankford
Connect With Us! Comment on articles online at http://grownupsmag.com
Like us on Facebook at Follow our Tweets at http://twitter.com/grownupsmag
Pin us on Pinterest at http://pinterest.com/grownupsmag
Instafollow at http://instagram.com/grownupsmag
Google+ with us at http://plus.google.com/+Grownupsmag
PHOTO: ANDREY DEVYATOV/THINKSTOCK
http://facebook.com/grownupsmag
When I Grow Up Are your kids lamenting the end of summer vacation? How can you tell the difference between normal grousing and a serious bout of back-to-school anxiety? Maybe your child is having trouble sleeping, complains of stomachaches, or expresses fears about new people or new environments.
If you would like additional tips and techniques to make the most of the new school year, consider our free e-course: 30 Days to Better Grades. Remember—new situations can be scary for adults, too, and our kids don’t always have the tools they need to cope. Be patient, be compassionate, and enjoy the start of a new learning adventure!
Carissa Pelletier Editor-In-Chief
PHOTO: CAMARIE CALLARI
You can help allay some of their fears by redirecting into positive channels: what kind of lunches or school supplies do they want? Are there particular subjects they’re looking forward to? Which friends are they most excited about seeing? If your child is worried about new faces, pay the school a visit before it opens so that he or she can take a look around and get acquainted with the layout. You may even be able to schedule an advance meeting with your child’s teacher for a quick hello.
We Asked... We sometimes learn life’s lessons the hard way. Will you share your experiences and advice with your kids or allow them to learn on their own?
I will be doing both. I want both my kids to know my husband and I’s experiences but in certain situations I want to be able to learn life lessons on their own. – TRISHA GRIMES
A bit of both; balance is key. I share enough to keep them informed and leave back enough to let them learn life lessons too! Financially I have taught them to live within their means and earn their treats...again, within limits. Some things are essential and no child should be made to beg or work to receive them. Luxuries are a different thing all together. This makes them more responsible, yet secure and confident individuals who appreciate what they have and their parent’s ability to provide. – JULIE KALUNGI
PHOTO: MARK BOWDEN/THINKSTOCK
I am always teaching my kids by either sharing my life stories or from the experiences of my now adult kids. I think that you can never teach too much to prepare kids these days! Wish my mom had tried this method. – AIMEE, HOUSE OF FAUCI’S
I’m sure everyone uses a combination. One thing I did with my son when he was younger to help him learn about choices regarding money was to let him decide. The options on the weekend were we could A) go to the movies OR B) he could get an action figure. So he learned that getting one meant giving up the other, and that there is a limit to what we have in our wallets. He also got to consider the difference of a shared experience and memories, versus a physical object he could keep but may lose interest in. – FELITA DANIELS, LILAC REVIEWS.
My only child (daughter) is headed to NYU in a month (I am very sad, but I’m not selfish, she needs to spread her wings just like I did when I was her age). I have shared with her my experiences and we have always had an excellent “friend” relationship; however, there are certain things that as a parent we cannot avoid but letting them learn on their own and give that freedom. This will make her stronger and more responsible. – MYRAH DUQUE, COUPON MAMACITA
I will definitely share experiences with my children, but not everything. – STEFANI TOLSON
I think a little bit of both. I will share my experience but I also know that my kids have to learn for themselves. – JEANNETTE FENDER
Add Your Thoughts!
is for
Advice Should one child’s allergies change my party menu?
BY CRYSTAL PL ANTE
Our advice expert dishes on dealing with overzealous parents and making parties welcoming to allergic children.
Q: My daughter’s birthday is next
week, and we’re having a party with several children from her class. One of the mothers called to ask me about the menu, and then proceeded to lecture me on what foods I could and could not serve at the party. Am I wrong to be offended by this phone call?
PHOTO: BOGGY22/THINKSTOCK
“A”
A: As the mother of a child with severe allergies, I can assure you she meant no offense. She was simply looking out for her child. I will, however, concede she could have handled the situation better.
Food allergies have risen sharply since 1997, and even the smallest amount of the offending food can cause a serious reaction in allergic children. Although tests can determine if a child is allergic to a particular food, there is no way to know how severe an allergic reaction will be if the child it. For that reason, parents are advised to keep children completely away from the foods that may cause serious reactions (although most have a more tactful way of presenting it).
child. You also can suggest that the mom bring party foods that are safe for her child to eat, or ask her to attend the party to help you supervise her child. She may balk at the idea, or she may embrace it wholeheartedly—there’s no way to tell. Regardless of what you decide to do, please understand that this is just her way of ensuring her child gets to participate safely. Although it could have been phrased much more tactfully, she is a mom, just like you, trying to do what’s right for her child.
If you already made food arrangements, call the mom back and explain the situation. Tell her that you really want to her child to attend, but you don’t feel comfortable with her requests (e.g., cost, your child’s requests, prior plans). Ask for suggestions to make the party safe for her child while still sticking to what you had planned. You may use a different placemat for the child, save the food for after the allergic child leaves, or offer alternative snacks just for this particular
PHOTO: MDMILLIMAN/THINKSTOCK
The fact that the mother called you indicates that her child genuinely wants to be included in the birthday party. Hold onto that idea as you decide what to do next. Because you’re the hostess, you are in charge of the menu. That gives you the right to serve whatever you want. But you also are responsible for the well-being of the guests. Regardless of how the mom presented it, giving in to her requests means you are trying your best to keep her child safe.
Want to ask any of our experts for advice? Visit our Ask a Question page to submit your dilemma!
Add Your Thoughts!
BANISHING FOR GOOD Feeling guilty for sneaking some time for yourself? Here’s why you shouldn’t feel bad (and why you should be alone more often). BY JEN LEEMAN
PHOTO: STUART JENNER/THINKSTOCK
MOMMY (OR DADDY) GUILT
O
Our culture places enormous—and often unnecessary—burdens on parents, especially mothers. Moms often feel guilty for doing things that were part of their normal routine before they had children. Working out or spending time with your significant other doesn’t make you a bad parent: it makes you a healthy, wellrounded human being. Get rid of the guilt with these important reminders.
Alone time is a must.
You’re setting an example.
The next time you come down with a case of mommy guilt stop and think about what you want to teach your child. In order to raise a person who is capable of self-love, you must show them how you practice Add Your self-love. Mommy guilt Thoughts! is hard on you and your child, so banish that guilt for good!
You want your kids to know it’s okay for parents to have a life of their own, outside the context of being a parent. If you teach by example, you are showing them what it’s like to be an adult—it’s not just being a parent, and it’s not all fun and play. It’s valuable for kids to realize this even from a very young age.
Having alone time to work out, read a book, take a bubble bath, or whatever it is you do to relax and recharge, is vital. When you acknowledge you need care and take steps necessary to obtain it, you are giving yourself the tools to become a healthier individual. This will help you be more present when you are with your child.
When you fly, flight attendants always instruct you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping your child. Even safety professionals know that if you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t help anyone else—especially during an emergency. Family life is no different.
PHOTO: COMSTOCK IMAGES/THINKSTOCK
Self-care makes you a better caretaker.
HOMEWORK:
Do you ever wonder what dictates your child’s homework regimen? Curious about how much homework they should actually be assigned? Keep reading to find out.
BY CRYSTAL PL ANTE
PHOTO: FCSCAFEINE/THINKSTOCK
More or Less?
What gives? Some teachers simply believe in the concept of homework. They believe in parental involvement in students’ learning and reinforcement of important concepts at home. Beyond that, homework is seen as a way to teach organization and responsibility. Other teachers take a more laissez-faire approach to homework: sometimes it’s necessary, and sometimes it’s not. If their students can get the work done in class— great! If not, it’s homework. If something is sent home as homework, it’s obviously important and warrants help and attention from the parent or caregiver. There are even those rare teachers who never assign homework. These teachers feel that children should only be held accountable for what is completed at school. Of course, school cultures vary widely in their beliefs about homework as well. Some schools have definitive homework policies, assigning or limiting certain amounts of homework. In these cases, the school’s
policies rather than teacher beliefs drive the amount of homework given. There are guidelines regarding homework, though. Most experts agree that a child can be reasonably expected to do 10 minutes of homework per grade level. In that line of thinking, a first grader should be expected to have 10 minutes of homework per night, a second grader 20 minutes, a third grader 30 minutes, and so on. If you find your child has more homework than what’s recommended above, talk to your child’s teacher. It’s possible that your child isn’t making good use of class time or is struggling with new material and concepts. Working with your child’s teacher to find a solution will ensure your child is successful regardless of the teacher’s stance on homework.
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: PHOTODISC/THINKSTOCK
S
Some childhood milestones are guaranteed—potty training, losing teeth, homework—but they’re not always approached in quite the same ways. Yet some things are not absolute and guaranteed. Some children rarely bring home any homework, effortlessly flying through school without the need for parental assistance on spelling words or geography tests. Other children slog home every evening, backpack bulging with everything from math and science worksheets to art and music essays.
Do you cook with your kids? We serve up advice on getting started and why it’s important. BY JEN LEEMAN
PHOTO: BOGGY22/THINKSTOCK
!
GET Cooking
D
Do you remember that feeling of pride the first time you cooked (and ate) your first meal? You’re your kids that same sense of accomplishment by getting them involved in meal preparation. They’ll learn valuable life skills, and as an added bonus, you’ll rack up some quality time together.
Preschoolers can start getting hands-on experience in the kitchen by learning to spread peanut butter on bread or pour milk on cereal. With supervision, they will be able to make their own breakfast or lunch, which can be great source of pride for kids that age. As kids get older they learn to do more and more in the kitchen. School-age kids are capable of making sandwiches and salads, and cooking staples like scrambled eggs or pasta—with supervision, of course. Learning to cook also teaches your children about nutrition. Read labels and nutritional information together, and talk about what makes each ingredient healthy or interesting in a dish. Showing them how to use healthy ingredients more often and less healthy ingredients sparingly can contribute to lifelong healthy habits. Cooking pairs nicely with school, too. Chemistry, science, biology, math, vocabulary—it’s all there. Teach your kids why water boils (and at what temperature), or what happens to egg whites when they’re whipped. Reading recipes aids
Use food prep lessons as an opportunity to teach kitchen safety tips, too: • Always use potholders to move pots, pans, or baking trays from the oven. • Never add water to a pan with hot oil—it could splatter you! • Turn pot handles to the back of the range so you don’t knock them over. • Wash anything that touched raw meat immediately with hot, soapy water. • Always ask for help with sharp knives. • Do not get electrical appliances wet. (Dry your hands first!) • If something catches fire, don’t put it out with water—call an adult for help, and then put the fire out with an extinguisher or by smothering with a lid.
reading comprehension and vocabulary, and measuring ingredients reinforces math skills, like fractions. Creating nourishing food that tastes good is a wonderful accomplishment for kids Add Your at any age. Give your kids Thoughts! the tools they need to embark on a delicious, lifelong journey.
PHOTO: SANDRA VAN DER STEEN/THINKSTOCK
Start bringing your child into the kitchen as early as possible. Even babies love playing with pots, pans, measuring cups, and spoons. Let your child observe you as you prepare meals, encouraging a love for the kitchen.
TURN CHORE TIME
into
QUALITY TIME Make the daily grind about more than just your job
W
While we all aspire for work-life balance, most parents start each day early and end each day late. Despite our best efforts to maximize time at home during the week, even the most disciplined working professionals find it challenging to eke out more than a couple of hours a night with their kids. But remember—quality over quantity. Make the most of the time you do have with these together-oriented suggestions:
PHOTO: FUSE/THINKSTOCK
BY ROBERT PELLETIER
Clean up!
Sweat it out!
Work doesn’t end when you get home: someone needs to make dinner, wash the dishes and laundry, and take out the garbage. Let your kids know that pitching in can be fun. When everyone works together to get things done, there’s more family time for all.
Do you sacrifice exercise when you’re busy with work and family? Ditch the “I don’t have time” excuse. By making exercise time family time, everyone wins.
How do you get started? Bring out their inner chefs. By letting children have a say in the menu for the week, they’ll be more likely to engage with you during grocery shopping, cooking, and even cleanup. Eschew prepackaged foods or takeout, and turn your home into a restaurant instead. Let the kids pick recipes, shop with you for ingredients, and have a meaningful part in the preparation process. Even toddlers can pitch in. It also will spice up the dinner table conversation as your fledgling foodies discuss their dishes.
Nothing puts a smile on my face like watching my two-year-old daughter try to crank out pushups. Turning weekly workouts into family experiences helps everyone stay in shape and connected. You may need to alter your normal exercise routine (or slow down a bit), but you’ll probably have more fun with your new activities. As an added bonus, establishing good physical fitness habits at a young age helps create healthy behaviors that can last a lifetime. Few exercises give you more bang for your muscles’ buck than the old fashioned pushup. Set a goal to be able to do 100 at once. You’ll be surprised how fast you (and the kids) can get there.
Learn something new! Growing personally and professionally can have a big impact on your life— whether you’re looking to learn a new language, get continuing education credits, or obtain an advanced degree. If you schedule homework time for the whole family, you might just achieve your growth goals more quickly than you thought possible.
Pick a time where homework is the focus for the whole family. It’s amazing what can get done in an hour or two if you devote time and consistency to it. You’ll also show your children firsthand the importance of a healthy work ethic and commitment to learning.
A family that eats together, sweats together, and learns together is likely one that communicates well, shares common interests, and is in touch with everyone. By overhauling your evenings and turning the daily grind into an interactive experience, everyone wins.
Add Your Thoughts!
RESPONDING
Positively
TO NEGATIVITY
Contributor Cyndi Wright shares advice for teaching children how to respond to respond to negative comments. BY CYNDI WRIGHT
H
Hearing those words from the mouth of my five year old brought to life my worst nightmare. Bullies. My initial response was anger—though I didn’t express it to my child. Inside? I was fuming. Who did this little girl think she was saying these horrible things to my daughter? She must have awful parents. She must be a bully in the making, and she must need to be stopped! My mind swam with questions. Should I speak to the teacher first? Would a conference with the parents be necessary? Did I need to involve the principal?
PHOTO: FEVERPITCHED/THINKSTOCK
“A girl in school said that she didn’t like me today. She said that my clothes weren’t cool, and that she didn’t want to be my friend. She isn’t inviting me to her birthday party.”
I suddenly remembered overhearing my daughter saying a snarky comment to a family friend. I immediately instructed her to apologize, and I reinforced that this type of behavior would not be tolerated. My sweet girl I’d spent so much time teaching had been rude—just like the little girl in her class. Not every instance of misbehaving or acting inappropriately is bullying. While all these thoughts sped through my head, my five year old patiently studied my face. I carefully considered my next words. “That wasn’t a very nice thing to say,” I began. “What do you think caused her to be unkind?”
My daughter explained how everyone in her class had admired her new sparkly shoes at recess. While her classmates crowded around her, the girl in question made her comments. I deflated, anger diminishing. Of course—she’d been jealous. I used the opportunity to tell me daughter why jealousy can be damaging, and gave her ideas for a better response the next time something happened: “I’m sorry you feel that way. I like my clothes, and I think yours are cool too! I would like to be your friend, but if you don’t want to be mine I respect your decision.” My daughter nodded and smiled, glad I’d stopped to listen, and ran off to play Me? I was glad I didn’t overreact. How do you teach your children to manage jealousy and insecurity?
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: JUPITERIMAGES/THINKSTOCK
And then, a single thought crossed my mind: Was I overreacting?
PHOTO: ROHAPPY/THINKSTOCK
Unplug Your Kid! Don’t fill downtime with screen time. We explain why. BY JEN LEEMAN
PHOTO: XIMAGINATION/THINKSTOCK
B
Between school, homework, extracurricular activities, and social engagements, it may seem like your child doesn’t enjoy much downtime. While this may be true, that downtime doesn’t need to get filled with electronic entertainment. We’re all guilty of vegging in front of our TVs, consoles, and computers, but there are real advantages to spending downtime unplugged. QUALITY COMMUNICATION EXERCISE Use your children’s unplugged time as an opportunity to reconnect. You might play a board game, sit and eat together, or collectively tackle household chores. What’s important is that you’re spending time interacting with one another. Family time also gives you a chance to find out what’s going on in your child’s world. It often takes kids a “warming up” period before they’ll engage in an open dialogue with you, so it’s important to invest the time and energy. Your attention is something your child can never get from a screen. FRESH AIR When the weather is nice, get everyone outside. We need fresh air and sunshine from time to time. Take the kids to a local park, beach, or walking trail. Tune up your wheels and go for a family bike ride, or walk the family dog. Sometimes a dose of vitamin D is just what your child needs to regroup and reenergize.
Let’s face it, screen time means sitting time. Unplugging your kids can help get them moving. It doesn’t mean you have to go outside, either. Putting on some music and having a dance party in the living room is a healthier way to relax and have fun than watching TV. You also can engage your kids with household chores or yard work. They may grumble, but when everyone’s pitching in—and they have your undivided attention—they’ll soon forget to complain. Plus they will be moving their bodies! There is real value in time spent together— unplugged and engaged. When your child is grown, they won’t remember all those times they browsed the internet or watched their favorite television shows. Disconnect to reconnect Add Your today, and make some Thoughts! memories that will last a lifetime.
CREATING COMMUNITY PHOTO: VISUALSPACE/THINKSTOCK
IN LOSS Jennifer Gilbreath shares how she made the most of a personal tragedy—and how you can, too. BY JENNIFER GILBREATH
I
In 2001 I was diagnosed with a molar pregnancy. Known more formally as trophoblastic disease, a molar pregnancy is malignant tissue that forms after fertilization instead of a fetus. It can take many forms, and while it’s not always cancerous, it can spread outside the uterus to other organs when left untreated. A mole feeds on human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG), the pregnancy hormone, so women who have one most often begin their ordeal by testing positive on a pregnancy test. So it was with me; we barely had begun trying when I received a faint positive on the first test. A blood test confirmed that I was pregnant! As most first-timers would, we went crazy with joy, telling everyone and diving immediately into preparations. In our hearts and minds, he—to me it was always a boy—existed, if only for those few short weeks. Miscarriage is common. That fact is sad but true, and losing that baby would have been devastating no matter what. Most
couples grieve, in their own ways, and move on. They try again. Maybe the next one will be “the one,” right? For me, the story took a different turn. My ultrasound had shown no baby, only a “cluster of grapes” (the standard description of a mole). I was still reeling from that information when the doctor explained they had to take it out as soon as possible. I would not be able to get pregnant again for a year, and they would have to take blood every month to monitor my HCG levels. If the levels went up, it meant the tissue had regrown, and I would need to start chemotherapy. Today, when you get a diagnosis you don’t understand, your natural first step is to Google it. In 2001 information wasn’t as freely available. I searched, but all I could find were highly technical medical sites. I finally came across one lone personal website, and in the guestbook there were hundreds of others who had had similar diagnoses. There were so many that the website owner had had
to create multiple guestbooks as each one filled. Some of these women had hysterectomies because of their persistent disease. Others endured multiple rounds of chemotherapy. All of us had one thing in common: we were seeking support, but we had nowhere to go. I decided then I could do something to help myself and all of these other women. I could take this misery and grief and try to make something positive out of it. I just needed to put the pieces together. Several elements were already in place. I knew HTML and already had a website. I was a medical copy editor, so I knew how to simplify complicated medical language. Most importantly, I knew exactly how all of these women were feeling. My first effort was twofold: a page of links on my website to medical sites related to molar pregnancy and a new Yahoo! Club—the predecessor to Yahoo! Groups—that I started as an online support group. I collected email addresses from the guestbooks I’d found and messaged all the owners to let them know about my group and my site. Then I waited to see what would happen. Within a week I had fourteen members. Within months I had dozens. Within a year there were more than a hundred. Talking with them helped me deal with my own loss. We shared information, and we became our own pool of resources. We became friends. We became a community. As time went on, the more senior members stayed to support the new women who joined, so there was an endless circle of support. When Yahoo! Groups took over a few years later, the group had swelled to more than six hundred women from around the world.
The web page had become a website by itself, MyMolarPregnancy.com, and I was posting women’s stories and photographs along with the links and information I had found. I started getting messages from nurses and volunteers in remote places in Peru and other countries, asking for advice. I was able to direct them to resources they never knew existed, such as the New England Trophoblastic Disease Center in Boston, Massachusetts, or Charing Cross Hospital in London, both of which are top facilities for the study of trophoblastic diseases. It made me feel good to help so many. I wanted to do more. Over time it became clear that I was reaching a lot of people, but there were more out there who could benefit from the stories and information I was collecting. Not everyone was online yet, and most people still preferred books. I decided to publish a collection of women’s stories and asked my support group members to contribute. In the end, the first My Molar Pregnancy book contained more than thirty stories when it was published in 2008—including my own. I moved the My Molar Pregnancy support group from Yahoo! Groups to Facebook in 2008. Not long after, I formed a second group, After My Molar Pregnancy, as a place for women who were pregnant again after a mole to share their good news. Since then I have seen groups spring up all over the internet, and I join them so I can share the knowledge I’ve gained with as many people as possible. When I lost the baby I had dreamed of holding, I grieved. As I endured a year of blood tests, waiting to learn if I would need chemotherapy or had developed cancer, I suffered and was angry. Yet
If you are dealing with something and can’t find the help you need, there is an infinite world of possibilities out there to help you create it. Toni Morrison said, “If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.”
The same goes for any aspect of your life where something is missing: if you can’t find it, create it. There is therapy and relief in putting yourself out there and saying, “I am here. I know that others feel the same way I do. Let’s find each other and get through this together.” A recent campaign by Supernatural star Jared Padalecki is the perfect example. His #AlwaysKeepFighting Twitter and Facebook hashtag has united tens of thousands to bring awareness to the battles people fight with depression, suicide, and other forms of emotional distress. Today’s world is so connected that something as simple as a hashtag can bring together so many, and it doesn’t require celebrity endorsement to make it happen. At my darkest hour I was not alone because of the people I found who helped me get through my pain. I found them because I went looking, and because I reached out willing to give as well as receive. The baby I lost exists forever in my heart and in the hearts of every woman who has been helped by MyMolarPregnancy.com, and I can think of no Add Your better way to honor the Thoughts! experience.
PHOTO: WHERELIFEISHIDDEN/THINKSTOCK
during that time I also created something that helped me get through it all, a community of my peers whom I would never have known otherwise. Fourteen years later MyMolarPregnancy.com has helped thousands of women around the world learn more about their diagnoses, and in the support groups they have found a community that understands how they feel and can answer their questions. I am protective of my support group members, and I work hard to keep the site free of spammers and frauds. I feel for these women. I celebrate when they are cleared by their doctors or conceive after a mole or give birth to what they call their “rainbow babies.” I grieve with them when their levels rise, when they need round after round of chemotherapy, when they have second and even third moles, and when they miscarry naturally after all they have been through. They are all under my care, and I take that responsibility to heart.
PHOTO: MONKEYBUSINESSIMAGES/THINKSTOCK
MAKING A DAYCARE
determination Our quick primer will help you find the perfect childcare solution for your family. BY SADIE L ANKFORD
F
For many working parents, childcare is a must—and there are plenty of options. But regardless of whether you’re planning on a nanny, a group care center, or a small, local provider, you want (and expect) a professional level of care at all times. If you have an only child used to oneon-one attention, you might want to hire an in-home caregiver. This can be costly, especially if you need someone full-time, but you might be able to find another stay at home mom to watch your child at a discounted rate if you allow her to bring her child with her. Regardless, it’s crucial you understand your caregivers’ day-to-day operations— before you enroll. Are they organized and detail-oriented? Do they schedule every minute of the day, or are they “free spirits”? Children thrive on structure. If you find a center not as structured as you’d like it to be, it’s okay to pass! You also should consider include cost, location, availability, and ratings. Are they on Yelp? Do they have a Facebook page? Do some digging. Ask around to see if anyone has heard of the provider— good or bad. You may hear a couple of complaints, but remember: there always will be one or two people unhappy with a service. Weigh the pros and cons carefully when evaluating ratings. If you hear something bad from a reputable source, it’s better to be safe than sorry. When visiting the center, pay attention to how the provider interacts with other children.
Always ask questions. Professional caregivers will be more than willing to give you the information you need to make an informed decision. You might ask:
✓✓ Are you certified in CPR and first aid? (This is a must. If they answer no, move on to another provider.) ✓✓ How many children are in your care, and are they grouped by age? ✓✓ How do you handle discipline? ✓✓ Do you have any professional training? ✓✓ Are you licensed and accredited by the state? ✓✓ If you provide meals and snacks, what are they, and when are they served? Are meals included in the quoted price? (Look for healthy, balanced options.) ✓✓ What is your policy on parental visits? Can I drop by any time? Do you provide video surveillance? ✓✓ How do you handle separation anxiety? ✓✓ How do you handle naps? ✓✓ How do you deal with potty training?
While it’s great to be prepared, at the end of the day you have to rely on your intuition as a parent—and the information you’ve gathered. If you get a bad vibe or feeling from any Add Your provider, mark them off the list and move on to the Thoughts! next. Never settle when it comes to care for your child.
Find out how making time for intimacy can realign your relationship and set a positive example for the kids. BY LYNDA HARLOS
W
We all know that actions speak louder than words. Knowing this is true, what are we telling our partners when we choose to watch television rather than spend one-on-one time with them? What signals are we sending if we consistently choose to snuggle in with our children instead of our partner? Even worse: what does it mean when we focus on checking email, Facebook, or Twitter rather than talking or making love to our partners? Entertainment, work, social media, and especially children can be important, but none is more crucial than quality time with your partner. Keeping your physical relationship alive will strengthen the foundation of your marriage.
Life can get in the way of a steamy relationship: crying children, phone calls, cooking, cleaning—and all after a long day at work. However, if you can learn to set everything aside when the bedroom door closes, you’ll be well on your way to a strong relationship. Setting boundaries is a great place to start. My husband and I do not allow phones, televisions, or children in our bedroom. Our children can come in by invitation only, and they aren’t permitted to sleep with us or wander in if the door is closed. That’s not to say we aren’t there for them: if they’re sick or having nightmares, we go to their rooms. We’re making a conscious
PHOTO: MIPGGUTENBERGUKLTD/THINKSTOCK
Get your MOJO Flowing
You should have the freedom to do what loving, caring adults do when they are behind closed doors.
If you’re finding similar rules difficult to enforce, put a lock on your door. This might give you the sense of privacy you need until your children learn why you are spending alone time with your partner. Don’t shy away from explaining that the bedroom should be a place where couples can talk, play, and spend quality time together. They don’t need the details, but when they get older and have their own romantic relationships, they’ll figure it out. Make a point of taking whatever steps are necessary so that your partner knows they are the center of your world.
Intimacy, physical and emotional, will help keep you strong as a couple. We all want to know we are important—and sexy—enough that everything else can and will stop in the bedroom. We need to communicate with our words—and our actions—that we are ready and willing to fulfill each other’s physical and emotional needs. Don’t forget the person you picked to be your partner. Let’s bring the mojo back into our bedrooms and teach our children that great relationships require personal care and attention.
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: ALICE-PHOTO/THINKSTOCK
effort to teach that parents who love each other and want to spend time with each other is healthy.
Choosing a Pediatrician
PHOTO: WAVEBREAKMEDIA LTD/THINKSTOCK
Five ways to find the pediatrician who’s right for your family.
W
Whether you’re expecting, moving to a new location, or just looking to switch physicians, choosing a pediatrician for your child is an important decision. As a parent, your goal is to find a physician or practice that will provide consistent, comprehensive care that grows with your child. You also want to ensure that you and your child are comfortable in the doctor’s presence. Keep that balance in mind during your search: the pediatrician who’s a great fit for one family may not be for another. And that’s okay.
CALL (AND VISIT) THE PRACTICE Once you’ve whittled down your list of potential pediatricians, make a list of questions and call each office. ∞∞ Does the practice participate in your insurance network? ∞∞ Will your child see the same pediatrician at each visit, or will you see whichever doctor is on staff? ∞∞ What are their office hours?
FRIENDS AND FAMILY Asking the people you trust for their opinions and referrals is a surefire way to find a good match. Be sure to ask questions like: ∞∞ Do they make an effort to get you in right away when your child is sick?
∞∞ Is the practice connected to a local hospital? ∞∞ How does the practice handle afterhours emergencies? ∞∞ Are there any billing, cancellation, or other practices policies you should be aware of?
∞∞ How long are wait times? ∞∞ What is a typical wait time? ∞∞ Do you feel rushed during appointments? Your friends and family can provide you with a wealth of reliable knowledge based on actual experience with a particular doctor.
ASK YOUR OB-GYN If you are pregnant and searching for a doctor, your obstetrician is a great source for pediatrician recommendations. They are generally already familiar with local doctors and often hear feedback from other moms.
If you’re still comfortable after you’ve spoken with the receptionist, nurse, or office staff, make an appointment for a prenatal appointment (or interview). While you’re there, make sure you take a look at the waiting room. Are there toys for children? Hand sanitizer? Books? Magazines? Does it look like a clean, well-lit environment where you’d be comfortable waiting for your child’s appointments? These details may seem superficial, but your comfort level impacts your disposition toward the pediatrician.
Your visit will allow you to personally converse with the pediatrician. You may want to express any strong opinions you have about common practices (e.g., breastfeeding or vaccination) to see how the pediatrician reacts. Trust your gut. If your personality meshes well with the pediatrician, chances are good that you’ll both be on the same page when it comes to your child’s care.
AAP membership provide you with thirdparty verifications of a pediatrician’s skills.
CHECK CREDENTIALS
Many hospitals and practices use social media to keep in touch with or educate their patients. Take a look at your potential pediatrician’s Facebook page, website, or Twitter account, paying close attention to both negative and positive comments. Does the practice respond effectively to complaints? Is there a preponderance of bad comments? You may be able to find doctor reviews on online rating sites or on your insurance provider’s website. These reviews can be helpful, especially if they shed light on office practices, physician demeanor, and location. However, it’s important to remember that reviews detailing poor outcomes do not necessarily correlate Add Your to poor care.
∞∞ Board certification ∞∞ AAP membership Pediatricians who are board certified have passed difficult exams that must be taken on a routine basis to maintain certification. In the United States the AAP, or American Academy of Pediatrics, is a medical society that holds members to specific guidelines and standards. Both board certification and
USE SOCIAL MEDIA
Thoughts!
PHOTO: WAVEBREAKMEDIA LTD/THINKSTOCK
If you’re looking for a pediatrician who goes above and beyond the requirements of his or her license, check for the following:
You can use also go to The American Board of Medical Specialties to look for pediatricians with specialized training. This is especially helpful if you have a child with any special medical needs or concerns.
PROTECT,
PHOTO: YANLEV/THINKSTOCK
but don’t Shelter Give your children the tools they need to soar.
W
We’re wired to protect our children. Sometimes those instincts get out of hand. It’s important that you allow your children to experience risk and failure in a safe environment so that they can prepare for real-world challenges.
✓✓ WAIT IT OUT. Don’t rush to your child’s rescue (unless harm is imminent). Letting your kids learn to cope or solve problems on their own will help them realize that certain actions have rewards and others have consequences.
✓✓ BE OPEN AND HONEST. Communicate on a regular basis. Share your own stories, and fill your kids in on what you wish you’d known at their age. Explain situations in which you learned from your mistakes. (Just be careful—you don’t want to get preachy.)
✓✓ GET FINANCIALLY SAVVY. Encourage your children to get involved with household finances. Detail each bill you pay and how you pay it. Show them how to save (and spend) money appropriately. Letting them save for something they really want will help the value of earned money.
Be a positive role model and help them out only after you’ve given them the opportunity to problem solve on their own.
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: ANDREAS RODRIGUEZ/THINKSTOCK
greens
Seven ways to go veg without breaking the bank. BY SADIE L ANKFORD
S
So you’re a vegetarian, or you’re deciding to add more vegetables to your diet, but you’re worried about the cost. I get it! Been there, done that. But keep in mind: meat is usually several dollars a pound. Replacing animal protein with beans, tofu, or seitan will save you quite a bit. Here are my favorite ways to bulk up on veg on a budget.
PHOTO: ALTRENDO IMAGES/THINKSTOCK
SAVE YOUR GREEN FOR
with the ads from your local grocery stores, and plan your menu around sale items. Stir-fry is almost always inexpensive; you can dump in any vegetables on hand and you’re good to go.
Cook from scratch. Convenience
foods are expensive—veggie burgers, I’m looking at you. Save money by purchasing fewer, and start learning to make meals from scratch. You can find veg-friendly cookbooks at your local library or online.
Grow your own herbs. Parsley,
cilantro, rosemary, basil, thyme, and sage are simple to grow. Pick up seeds on the cheap and start them in a little soil on your window sill. With a little sun, water, and luck, you’ll have delicious herbs in a few weeks.
Buy in season. Usually, if it’s in
season, it’s on sale. Certain fruits and vegetables may be as much as 50% cheaper during their growing season. And, if your local store allows it, attempt to price match. Farmers’ markets are also great places to find inexpensive produce—especially at the end of the day. Some veggies are always cheap, like broccoli, onions, potatoes, and carrots. Include those in your menu planning whenever possible.
The EWG’s Dirty Dozen Plus™ 1 Apples 2 Peaches 3 Nectarines 4 Strawberries 5 Grapes 6 Celery 7 Spinach
8 Sweet bell peppers 9 Cucumbers 10 Cherry tomatoes 11 Snap peas - imported 12 Potatoes + Hot Peppers + Kale / Collard greens
5
Buy in bulk. This can halve your
grocery bill! Shopping at big stores like Costco, as well as smaller stores that have a bulk (by the pound) section, is the key to success here. Stock up on staples like nuts, seeds, and spices. Instead of buying a can of beans for a buck, buy beans in bulk, soak them overnight, and cook them in your crockpot. This will cost a quarter or less—HUGE savings when you’re eating lots of beans and feeding a big family.
6
Stick to the budget. It’s nice to
splurge once in a while, but sticking to a budget is a must. If you don’t, you’ll get in the habit of “only going over by a little bit” each week. Then, your $100 week just turned into $200, and you have to work really hard to get it back under control! If you choose one splurge item each week, that’s fine, but if you run out of money, you’ll be eating a lot of beans and rice.
7
Skip organics. There’s no need to
buy everything organic, but I understand it’s a personal choice. I like to follow the Environmental Working Group’s dirty dozen checklist—foods most likely to be contaminated by pesticides—and buy those items organic. Everything else? The cheaper the better. All in all, going vegetarian is about making food choices that fuel your body in a healthful way. Sit down, create a menu and a budget, and work on sticking with it. Even if you don’t make it the first week or two, it gets easier!
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: EVGENY TOMEEV/THINKSTOCK
1 2 3 4
Plan a menu. Sit down each week
PHOTO: STOCKBYTE/THINKSTOCK
BE A SLEEPOVER
Sleuth
Is your child asking permission to attend a sleepover? Do a little detective work before you say yes. BY JEN LEEMAN
Will there be adult supervision, and if so, what type?
H
Has your child been invited to a sleepover? Chances are good you’re a lot more anxious than your kid. Before you break into a cold sweat, remind yourself that your child will eventually leave your home—your job is to prepare them to do so. And importantly, most sleepovers go off without a hitch.
Find out what adults will be home. Some families consider older siblings or grandparents sufficient supervision—you might not. You also may want to ask where the adults will be in relation to the kids. If the kids are downstairs, will the parents be upstairs or hiding away in a bedroom? If you don’t know the other children, or if you feel your own child needs close supervision, this question is doubly important. Are there guns in the home?
Regardless, that doesn’t mean you should let your child attend blindly. Whether it’s their first ever sleepover or just the first at a particular house, ask questions to figure out if it’s a safe environment for your child and to put your mind at ease.
Ask the Parents How many kids will be attending? The bigger the party, the easier it is to spiral out of control. It’s important to understand the size of the party, and find out if there will be kids you and your child don’t know in attendance. Asking this simple question can give you and your child a better idea of what the party will be like (e.g., quiet, rowdy, or prone to hijinks).
This is an important and often overlooked question. Are firearms safely secured in a locker or safe? Is ammunition kept separately? A competent gun owner shouldn’t mind explaining their situation. Guns don’t have to be a deal breaker, but you should ask plenty of questions to make sure you’re comfortable with the family’s safety precautions. Will internet use and television be monitored? Are you OK with R-rated movies and unfettered web access? If not, find out the hosting family’s internet and television policies, and make sure they align (or can be aligned) with your expectations.
Ask Yourself
Are YOU comfortable sending your child?
Is your child ready?
If your answer isn’t a resounding yes, consider alternatives. You could allow your child to attend for a few hours and come home before bedtime. You also could offer to host at your own home. If you’re just not comfortable with a situation, politely decline.
Do you know the family? Have you met the parents and seen the home? If the host family is unfamiliar, or if you know they don’t share your core values and parenting ideas, think twice. Alternately, use it as an opportunity to get to know them better.
Sleepovers can be fun and exciting for your kid, and can provide you with a welldeserved break. By asking the right questions and trusting your gut, you’re Add Your more likely to have a Thoughts! safe and stress-free experience.
PHOTO: FUSE/THINKSTOCK
Does your child understand sleepover etiquette ? Are there any medical or social issues—insomnia, night terrors, or bedwetting—that could be a problem? No one knows your child better than you do.
Vision problems can crop up unexpectedly and impede learning. Keep an eye on your child and make sure they have the vision care they need. BY CRYSTAL PL ANTE
B
Being able to see is pretty important. Children with vision problems are at a disadvantage to their peers, and often have difficulties seeing in the classroom, which can lead to gaps in learning (or reluctance to learn). Poor eyesight can also cause headaches, eyestrain, squinting, and eye fatigue, which make certain tasks like reading physically uncomfortable.
Most schools screen for vision problems annually, but the American Academy of Ophthalmology recommends that children have their first full vision screening at age three, with parents urged to contact their medical provider if eye problems are present prior to age three.
PHOTO: NASTIA11/THINKSTOCK
POP THOSE PEEPERS!
To understand eye conditions, we should at least have a basic idea of eye anatomy. The cornea is the front of the eye that lets light pass into the lens inside the eye. The lens is the part of the eye that focuses the light into images on the retina at the back of the eye. Normal corneas and lenses are perfectly smooth and rounded, like the surface of a ball, which allows the light coming into the eye to form a crisply focused image on the retina. Differences in these structures can cause blurred or impaired vision. There are three common conditions that affect the eyes, all of which tend to run in families
NEARSIGHTEDNESS (MYOPIA) Nearsightedness, or myopia, results when the cornea or lens isn’t curved properly. As a result, light entering the eye focuses in front of the retina, causing objects in the distance to appear blurry and unfocused. Children who like to do a lot of close work, like reading or building detailed models, tend to have higher incidences of myopia. A child with one parent who has myopia is at greater risk of developing the condition; a child with two parents who have myopia are at an even greater risk. Nearsightedness tends to worsen during childhood and adolescence.
headaches are commonly associated with hyperopia. Hyperopia that is unrecognized or undiagnosed in children can result in learning problems because of their inability to see properly.
ASTIGMATISM In cases of astigmatism, the cornea or lens isn’t smoothly curved or even, resulting in improper refraction of light rays. This defect causes vision to be blurred horizontally, diagonally, or vertically. Astigmatism can result from an eye injury, eye surgery, or eye disease. While some people are born with astigmatism, certain activities, like squinting, reading in poor light, or sitting too close to the television can make the condition worse. Thankfully, all three conditions can be corrected with the use of eyeglasses or contact lenses. Some eye doctors offer free vision screenings in the fall before school starts, and several organizations, like the Lions Club, offer financial assistance for families who cannot afford glasses or lenses. Vision is an important part of learning. Making sure Add Your your child sees well is an Thoughts! important part of his or her education.
Hyperopia is present at birth and occurs if the cornea is not curved enough or the eye is shorter than normal. This results in light focusing behind the retina, causing close objects to be blurry. Hyperopia can cause crossed eyes in some children. Because it is hard to focus on blurry objects, squinting, eyestrain, and
PHOTO: INARIK/THINKSTOCK
FARSIGHTEDNESS (HYPEROPIA)
PHOTO: FUSE/THINKSTOCK
Before Kindergarten
Bucket List Make a fun bucket list (or use ours) to make the most of those preschool years!
C
∞∞ Visit a working farm and learn where food comes from. If you can, gather eggs, milk a cow, or pick and plant food. ∞∞ Plant seeds and watch them grow together. Sunflowers, nasturtium, marigolds, and pumpkins are all easy to grow from seed. ∞∞ Catch a frog, tadpole, ladybug, or lightning bug. Be sure to release them later. ∞∞ Build a sandcastle as tall as your child. ∞∞ Read classic books together, like The Swiss Family Robinson, Heidi, Charlotte’s Web, or James and The Giant Peach. ∞∞ Go fishing. ∞∞ Teach your children to use and carry scissors properly.
∞∞ Learn to count to 100. ∞∞ Teach your child to skip rocks. ∞∞ Have dinner together at a “fancy” restaurant. ∞∞ Learn to say, “Hello!” in five different languages. ∞∞ Try out a new sport. ∞∞ Learn how to swim—it’s fun, and it’s an important skill. You can teach them yourself or sign them up for lessons. ∞∞ Camp out in the backyard. Pitch a tent, roast marshmallows, and tell stories. ∞∞ Go to the circus or attend live theatre. ∞∞ Bake a cake together.
∞∞ Draw a pictures of each other.
∞∞ Pick out new, seasonal vegetables to try at your local farmers’ market.
∞∞ Collect and donate gently used toys and clothes to a women’s or homeless shelter.
∞∞ Spread a blanket in a park or the backyard and count the stars.
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: VIAFILMS/THINKSTOCK
Childhood flies—blink once and your child is ready for school. Kindergarten can be a blur of PTA meetings, lunch boxes, and homework. Savor the time before school by making a bucket list of fun (and useful!) things to do together.
“ A parent’s love is whole no matter how many times divided” PHOTO: RYAN MCVAY/THINKSTOCK
Robert Brault