Jun/Jul
2015
FOOD FIGHTING
PROTECT THEM THROUGH KNOWLEDGE:
A PARENT’S GUIDE TO
SEXUAL ABUSE
HOW TO REACT TO FOOD BULLYING
GIVE PEAS A CHANCE
LEARN MORE ABOUT THE BENEFITS OF FAMILY TIME AROUND THE DINNER TABLE
WHO COMES FIRST:
YOUR CHILDREN OR YOUR SPOUSE?
contents Contents ON THE COVER
{Tap any title to jump to an article!}
AND MORE… “A” is for Advice Making time for your children is important, but taking them out of school to do it can put everyone at a disadvantage.
Blue Hair and a Belly Button Ring to Go, Please Know the warning signs and learn what you can do to help protect your child from becoming a statistic.
Before you make snap judgments about body modifications, consider where your kid is coming from (and whether they’re old enough to handle the request).
Food Fighting
Teaching Kids to Care For Pets
When eating or being exposed to a certain food can mean life or death, it’s crucial your allergic child knows how to react to food bullying.
Four ways to get your kids involved in caring for your family pet.
Who Comes First—Your Children or Your Spouse?
Breastfeeding isn’t as easy as it looks. The difference between making it stick and switching to formula often comes down to having the right resources and support network.
Grown Ups Contributor Lynda Harlos dishes on why keeping your spouse close is good for the whole family.
Give Peas a Chance Learn more about the benefits of family time around the dinner table.
FEATURES The More The… Merrier? Preparing For Baby Number 3 What happens when life throws you a little curve ball of joy?
Survival Skills Put the “great” in “Great Outdoors” with these family-tested camping tips.
Tattle Tongues Is reporting rule breakers a good idea, or a sign of a bigger problem?
To Sip or Not to Sip? Many parents think small sips of alcohol prevents big problems later on. But what are the risks?
Breastfeeding Challenges
Social Media Monitoring: How Much Is Too Much? Is your kid spending more time in the digital arena? Find out how to establish age appropriate boundaries.
The Benefits of Gardening with Kids We bring you four ways gardening isn’t just about a nice yard or fresh vegetables—it’s about growing your relationship with your child.
Colic Is your child crying nonstop at the same time every day? It might be colic.
Traveling with Toddlers Worried about taking your toddler on your next great adventure? We can help.
COVER PHOTO: DARRIN KLIMEK/THINKSTOCK. PHOTO: POJOSLAW/THINKSTOCK
A Parent’s Guide to Sexual Abuse
Carissa Pelletier PUBLISHER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MANAGING EDITOR
Jennifer Anderson GRAPHIC DESIGNERS
Alvaro Beleza Livia Beleza CONTRIBUTING EDITOR
Crystal Plante CONTRIBUTORS
Cyndi Wright Jen Leeman Lynda Harlos Robert Pelletier
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http://grownupsmag.com
When I Grow Up Every summer I ponder the merits of year-round school. Would it really be so bad exchanging one long break for many shorter breaks throughout the year? The three-month summer break I remember as a child now becomes eroded by make-up snow days and creeping start dates. Why not just get rid of it? There’d be fewer scrambles for summer childcare. School spaces could be used more efficiently (rather than sitting all summer). Perhaps most importantly, shorter gaps in learning could increase material retention—no more “summer slide.” For those of you cringing, don’t worry. I have a feeling we won’t change our systems anytime soon. As a culture, we’ve elevated the adventure of The Summer Vacation to mythic status. Summer also provides opportunities to enroll children in remedial or enrichment activities, and teachers often use the time to take continuing education courses—and enjoy some hard-earned rest! In this issue we’ll help you troubleshoot your summer vacation so you can keep your kids occupied and focused. We’ll also give you great ideas to create lasting memories this summer and tips to prepare for the start of the school year.
Carissa Pelletier Editor-In-Chief
PHOTO: CAMARIE CALLARI
Stay cool!
We Asked... What advice would you give your younger self – or your kids – about friendship?
Listen to your parents. They are “mostly” right. – ELIZABETH PYO
Don’t wait for your friends to call or make plans, take the initiative. It takes effort on both sides to maintain a friendship! – MICHELLE B.
I have told my son that he needs to find friends that treat him right and value him as a person. If they are always cutting him down and calling him names, then he needs to ask himself if they are really friends. – LEAH K.
Be yourself. If you’re true to who you are, you’ll attract friends that understand you. – MICKI
Be the friend to others that you want others to be for you. – VIRGINIA H.
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: SERRNOVIK/THINKSTOCK
Just today I was trying to convince my middle schooler that what other people thought of him was none of his business. He’s not buying it, but I wish somebody had at least introduced the idea to me as a kid! I’m not giving up, and I’ll explain it again when it comes up for me. – ANGELA TODD, FUNNERMOTHER: LET’S GET FUN
PHOTO: REZ-ART/THINKSTOCK
“A”is for Advice Does Missing a Few Days of School Really Hurt?
BY CRYSTAL PL ANTE
Making time for your children is important, but taking them out of school to do it can put everyone at a disadvantage.
Q: My wife and I have been divorced for the past two years, and my job takes me out
of town for long stretches of time. Whenever I have a few days off, I like to take the kids out of school for a long weekend. The last time I called to arrange a weekend trip, my ex-wife stated that she had received a letter from the school informing her that our children may have to go to summer school because they’ve missed an excessive number of school days this year. Our kids both get good grades, so I don’t understand why they should be punished for spending time with me. Shouldn’t the school be more understanding since I’m trying to be a positive male role model in my children’s lives? Why is this a big deal?
A: I understand your confusion. Despite
your divorce and hectic work schedule, you are doing your best to be an important member in your children’s lives. That’s laudable. While it may seem like school is trying to punish your children, the school is actually looking out for your children’s future academic success. School absenteeism is a huge, nationwide problem. Some absences, like those due to illness, are unavoidable. Other absences, like appointments, traveling, or flat out skipping school, are preventable. Up to fifty percent of school absences fall into the preventable category, which is why schools are cracking down. For some schools, there’s a financial incentive to keep kids in the classroom. Certain states fund schools based on the number of students in attendance each day. If a child isn’t in school, the school doesn’t get paid. A school plagued by absenteeism may have to make cuts in areas like staffing or programs. But the real problems are more than financial. Even though students make up work they missed in class, they often do so without the benefit of teacher instruction. Missing two days of school per month (for any reason) makes it more likely that
a child will fall behind his or her peers academically. In most districts, missing eighteen days of school is the equivalent of missing ten percent of the school year. Think about it: if a child missed ten percent of the school year every year, that child could be at a disadvantage in college or later in life. In fact, students who miss the most school are up to ten times more likely to drop out before graduation. I applaud your efforts to stay connected with your children, but schedule your visits after school ends. You can still spend weekends with your children, but begin the fun after the final bell rings Friday afternoon. If that doesn’t feel like enough time, talk to your children’s teacher about visiting your children’s classrooms as a parent volunteer on the days you normally would spend on an extended trip. That way you can still be with your children while simultaneously supporting their education. Want to ask any of our experts for advice? Visit our Ask a Question page to submit your dilemma!
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: MONKEY BUSINESS IMAGES/THINKSTOCK
THE MORE THE… MERRIER?
PREPARING FOR BABY NUMBER 3
What happens when life throws you a little curve ball of joy? BY CYNDI WRIGHT
I
It seems that with parenting, as with most things in life, the only thing constant is change. As soon as we feel like we’ve gotten a handle on one part of our journey, we reach another—and adapt. For our family, our challenge has been adjusting to having two children—one of whom is school-aged now—rather than one. It’s been tough, full of equal parts struggle and joy. With the end of the school year near approaching, however, we’ve found a sort of groove. I can even navigate grocery stores, malls, and doctors’ offices with impressive ease—all with two kids in tow! You could say I’ve finally gotten the hang of things.
Adjusting to another car seat in an already cramped backseat. Adjusting to juggling three kids on outings. Adjusting to having two children in diapers—at the same time! But mostly, we’ll be adjusting to the overwhelming feeling of love and pride that comes with watching another human being come into this world. Another miracle. Another person to love.
(And if we’re honest, another mouth to feed.) Though there are many uncertainties, there is one thing I am certain about. There will be no lack of love! Going from one child to two, I was concerned there wouldn’t be enough of me to go around. Now that I’ve adjusted to multiple children, I know better: Whether it’s two, three, or even seven children, there will always be an endless supply of love. So, how am I preparing for baby number three? I’m sitting back, relaxing as much as I can, and letting the good times roll! Do you have any tips for preparing for and welcoming a third child into the fold?
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: YAN LEV/THINKSTOCK
And then? Curve ball. I found out I was pregnant with baby number three. This summer our just-adjusted family of four will grow to five! The youngest will be only two years apart (compared to the four years between the first two kids), and we’ll be back to square one for learning and adjusting.
SOCIAL MEDIA MONITORING:
How Much Is TOO MUCH? Is your kid spending more time in the digital arena? Find out how to establish age appropriate boundaries.
PHOTO: DAVID PEREIRAS VILLAGRÁ/THINKSTOCK
BY JEN LEEMAN
Kids as young as eight are setting up social media accounts—which seems a little young. Each social media platform differs with regards to age restrictions, and you can use these restrictions to help you set appropriate boundaries. If your child is under thirteen, they are not allowed to have a Facebook account. Enforce these age restrictions, and make sure your child is honest about their age when setting up social media profiles. Unfortunately, the fact your kid’s age is attached to their social media account makes them vulnerable to online predators. It’s crucial you control your child’s privacy settings on social media to protect them from people who use the internet to connect with young children. Teach your child how to effectively use privacy settings and to block or ignore friend requests from anyone they do not know in person. If they’re unsure, even a little, about whether they know someone, encourage your child to ask for your permission before friending anyone. They need to understand the person behind the profile picture is not always who they seem to be.
You also need to monitor their social media activity at all times. Cyberbullying is an increasing concern, and you should know if your child is being bullied or being the bully. Online social activity makes it easy for kids to hide feelings, relationships, and the information they give out. As a parent you must be vigilant about monitoring your child’s social media accounts. There is no amount of involvement in your Add Your child’s internet use that is Thoughts! “too much.”
PHOTO: DAVID PEREIRAS VILLAGRÁ/THINKSTOCK
I
If you are the parent of a tween or teen, chances are your child is using some form of social media. Everywhere we look we see kids on phones and tablets: in restaurants, on public transportation, and even in school. No matter how much you limit your child’s screen time, they know what their friends are doing. It’s only natural they want to be included, and electronic devices aren’t going anywhere. It’s important to establish ground rules for usage, and it’s equally important to keep an eye on their accounts.
PHOTO: POJOSLAW/THINKSTOCK
Who Comes First— Your Children or Your Spouse? Grown Ups Contributor Lynda Harlos dishes on why keeping your spouse close is good for the whole family. BY LYNDA HARLOS
PHOTO: CREATAS/THINKSTOCK
A
A recent Facebook post caught my attention: Who comes first—your children or your spouse? I couldn’t help but read the comments, and I was surprised to see how many people immediately identified their children. We’re all naturally protective toward our children; we want them to be safe, happy, and healthy. Sometimes we even take it to extremes, giving up anything and everything to ensure our children are cared for in every possible way. But even those protective urges didn’t explain why so many people placed their children before their spouses. A closer examination of the replies revealed telling information: the people who had rocky or stressed relationships with their spouses indicated that “the children should come first.” Conversely, the people who tended to have loving, supportive relationships with their spouses usually answered “the spouse should come first.”
We all know children don’t need two parents to have a loving, fabulous home environment. But when there’s tension between two parents, it’s bound to transfer (however inadvertently) to your children. If you have a partner, a supportive partner, in childcare, you have more resources to get more done. If you put your spouse first and ensure you make time to nurture your own relationship, you’ll an unbreakable couple that’s wellequipped to handle any challenge. Your kids will notice. But here’s my issue with the original question: Why is it a competition? Shouldn’t we give both our spouses and our children our very best? Parenting is a choice, and it’s a joint effort and responsibility. When both parents look out for one another and freely exhibit love and care, they set a positive example for their children. Become partners, and Add Your maybe your children will Thoughts! look for one, too.
Food Fighting When eating or being exposed to a certain food can mean life or death, it’s crucial your allergic child knows how to react to food bullying.
PHOTO: MONKEY BUSINESS IMAGES/THINKSTOCK
BY CRYSTAL PL ANTE
A
A girl laughs as she taunts a boy with a strawberry. Two boys snicker as they smear a spoonful of peanut butter across another boy’s arm. A girl spits out the food she just bit into when the lady across from her informs her that it contains walnuts. The lady laughs and tells her it was all a joke. A teenage boy contemplates taking a bite of the tuna fish sandwich dangling in front of him to prove he’s not a wuss. Welcome to the world of allergy bullying. As if physical, verbal, and cyberbullying weren’t enough to worry about, children and teenagers living with food allergies also have to protect themselves against bullying that involves allergy-inducing foods. Regardless of the type of bullying, the instigator is always looking for a way to gain power or control over an individual he or she deems weaker or inferior. Kids who have food allergies fit that bill and are increasingly finding themselves targeted in dangerous ways. The American College of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology (ACAAI) conducted a study among 353 children and teens with food allergies. Of those young people studied, a full 79% had experienced teasing, harassment, or bullying associated with their food allergies. What’s more, 57%
reported situations in which someone touched them with the allergy-inducing food, waved the offending food in front of them, or threw food at them. Considering that some allergic reactions can be induced as a result of touching or inhaling the food, these statistics are scary to parents. Absent adult intervention, children and teens must learn to protect themselves from such attacks. Kids victim should remain calm, even though the threat of anaphylaxis may be real. Demonstrating fear or anger will only provoke the bully. An auto injector should be close at hand at all times, and children who have severe allergies should know how to selfadminister if necessary. Having a strong group of friends who understand the severity of the allergy and can help stand up for the child is also important. Even one friend who alerts a nearby adult to the danger can make a difference. Teens should understand that giving in to peer pressure and tasting even a tiny bit of the taunted food is never a good idea. Even though teenagers often feel invincible, trace amounts of an allergen can cause a severe reaction or death. Experts disagree on the reasons bullying has become such a widespread epidemic. Regardless, teasing, taunting, and harassing children with food allergies can be deadly. Adults need to be vigilant, and children with allergies Add Your need to be prepared. It’s Thoughts! no laughing matter.
PHOTO: DARRIN KLIMEK/THINKSTOCK
Survival Skills Put the “great” in “Great Outdoors” with these family-tested camping tips. BY ROBERT PELLETIER
W
Want to plan a camping trip but don’t know how to keep the whole family happy? Relax. Camping with kids doesn’t have to be stressful. Focus on creating lasting memories with these eight tips.
Don’t forget the camera. (And don’t forget to put it down sometimes, too.) Get your family involved in taking photos of your adventure. If you use your cell phone’s camera, make sure you have a way to keep it charged. Otherwise pack extra batteries and memory cards as needed.
Make a list. Before you leave your house, make a list of everything you think you’ll need, and check it off as you pack it. Ensure you have key items like bug spray, sunscreen, flashlights, extra batteries, and first aid supplies.
Over pack. While you’re making your list, build in some padding. We don’t always advise this, but packing a little more than you need (e.g., food, clean clothes, toilet paper, blankets) can keep cranky campers happy. Don’t assume that you and the kids will be able to tough it out with less. Making everyone comfortable will go a long way towards a great day.
Plan for a mess. Camping isn’t the time to keep everyone clean and neat. Trust us—everything will get dirty. A few dishes in the dirt and some grass stains are nothing to stress over. Let the kids get a little wild, and then toss all the gross stuff in an extra bag before you head home.
Keep meals simple. We know haute campfire cuisine exists, but your little ones may not have the patience for it. Plan familiar meals that don’t require too many ingredients—breakfast, burgers, and hot dogs are perennial pleasers. Pack lots of easy-to-pack fresh fruit (e.g., bananas, apples, and oranges) and sandwiches, particularly those that may not need to be refrigerated (e.g., nut butters and jelly). Juice boxes and bottled water are great, too. It also helps having a designated snack basket for on-the-go kid noms. And don’t forget the s’mores!
Keep ‘em busy. When you’re not fishing, hiking, swimming, or otherwise engaging in a family activity, assign chores. Chores will keep your kids busy (not bored) and will provide them with a sense of responsibility and accomplishment. Most kids will be able to gather firewood, set up tents, wash dishes, or tidy the campsite.
Nix the electronics. Leave your gaming consoles, tablets, laptops, and extraneous cell phones at home. Focus on family time rather than Facebook updates.
Be flexible. Just roll with the mood of the day. If you’ve planned a day of hiking but everyone seems to be enjoying something else, Add Your don’t interrupt. Adjust Thoughts! your schedule and your expectations.
PHOTO: BRENDA CARSON/THINKSTOCK
Blue Hair Belly Button Ring AND A
Please TO GO,
Before you make snap judgments about body modifications, consider where your kid is coming from (and whether they’re old enough to handle the request).
S
So your normally reliable teenager comes home one day and announces her desire to: a) Color her hair. b) Get a piercing. c) Buy and wear a strange looking outfit. d) All of the above. You, as a parent, react in one of the following ways: a) Tell her no. b) Tell her absolutely not. c) Ask her if she recently hit her head. d) Take a moment to consider her request. Although a, b, and c seem like viable options, force yourself to choose option d. Teenagers are an interesting species. They look like little adults, but their brains won’t stop developing until their turn twenty-five. They’re swimming in hormones that can make them moody and impulsive. They are struggling to determine their identities, navigate peer pressure, and manage their self-esteem. Every generation has a fad, and current teenage trends involve bright hair and multiple piercings. It’s not much different than the sky-high hair of the ’80s or the grungy flannel of the ’90s (just more permanent, perhaps). So before slapping down an instant no, take a deep breath and think about your answer. Remember that hair will eventually grow out. Will a
new cut or color improve her appearance or boost her self-esteem? When it comes to piercings, remind her that a piercing is more permanent and will result in a scar even if she decides she no longer wants it. Is your child responsible enough to take care of a new piercing? Is the location of the piercing going to jeopardize future career options or relationships? Is there anyone in your area who has been trained to do the kind of piercing your teenager wants? (Piercings should be performed by a trained professional with a sterile needle and environment—not someone at the mall with a piercing gun.) If she is asking new and different clothing, consider your own perceptions of appropriate dress, as well as any dress codes imposed by your child’s school. Will the outfit make her feel more confident? Will the new clothing allow her to express herself in a positive way? Remember, your sense of style may be different than your child’s, but it doesn’t make their sensibility wrong. Regardless, always ask for their reasoning. Is it something your child really wants, or is she just asking as a way to follow the herd? Give an answer only after you’ve fully evaluated her motives and your feelings. You might decide to let her make the changes—as long as she’s willing to spend her own money. Or, you may have reservations about her requests and would feel better if she waits until she’s older. You are the parent. Respect your child’s budding sense of independence, show your appreciation that she discussed it with you, and make the decision that’s right for your family. Add Your You can’t go wrong as long Thoughts! as you listen to what she has to say.
PHOTO: SERAFIMA/THINKSTOCK
TEACHING KIDS TO CARE FOR PETS Four ways to get your kids involved in caring for your family pet.
A
BY JEN LEEMAN
Are you thinking of adding a furry family member? Family pets can be wonderful. Pet ownership has been shown to lower stress and raise self-esteem, and as an added bonus, pets can teach the whole family about unconditional love.
Involving children in pet care is a great way to teach them about the responsibility of being an animal’s guardian. If your kids are old enough to play with your dog or cat, they are old enough to help take care of them.
A great place to start teaching kids to care for family pets is at feeding time. Once your child has an understanding of portion size (use a measuring cup!), he or she should be able to fill dishes with dry food and water, or sprinkle fish food in the tank. Letting kids feed the animals makes them feel like they are contributing in a valuable way. It also lets pets know that your child is one of their caretakers.
GROOMING While most children aren’t quite capable of bathing dogs, almost any child can brush a willing dog or cat. In addition to getting kids involved in pet grooming, brushing helps prevent shedding.
PLAYING Almost every domestic pet needs exercise. Incorporating play into your child’s pet care routine is fun and beneficial for the pet as well as the child. Cat toys with
long handles are fun, as are Frisbees or tennis balls for dogs. With play, parental supervision is a must. Use play time as an opportunity to teach kids rules for safely approaching animals.
CLEANING If your child is old enough, they can help clean up after the family pets. Teaching kids to scoop the litter box or clean the hamster cage is something they won’t necessarily want to do, but if they plan on having pets of their own someday it is a skill they will need to master. (And remember to tell them to wash their hands!) There’s almost always a way to involve your kids in caring for the family pet, at any age and with any animal. Becoming a caretaker can teach kids responsibility, boost their self-esteem, and may have a big impact on your child’s connection to our friends in the animal Add Your kingdom—for life.
Thoughts!
PHOTO: JOHN HOWARD/THINKSTOCK
FEEDING
PHOTO: ALEXEY05/THINKSTOCK
BREASTFEEDING
Challenges
Breastfeeding isn’t as easy as it looks. The difference between making it stick and switching to formula often comes down to having the right resources and support network. BY CRYSTAL PL ANTE
I
I made the decision early in my first pregnancy to breastfeed. What could be more natural or more beneficial to my baby? What would create a better bonding experience? And that wasn’t even taking into account how all the extra baby weight was supposed to just melt away thanks to the extra calories needed for breastfeeding. How naïve could a new mom be? No one told me that, although breastfeeding is natural, breastfeeding does not always come naturally. I thought maternal instinct would kick in and I’d be a breastfeeding pro in no time. Nor, I quickly learned, does breastfeeding come naturally to every baby. My firstborn didn’t know what to do any better than I did, so a breastfeeding consultant was called in before I could be released from the hospital. When the breastfeeding consultant simultaneously grabbed my newborn infant’s head and my breast and tried to force one upon the other, both baby and I dissolved into tears. I faked a feeding (quite an accomplishment for someone so unprepared), was released, and decided to compromise by pumping. That unrealistic idea lasted for a week before I admitted defeat and gave in to the convenience of formula. Breastfeeding with baby number two was marginally easier (I avoided the breastfeeding consultant), and we made it through six weeks. Why only six weeks? Because of the cracking and bleeding that made my toes curl every time my baby latched on, making her resemble a satiated vampire at the conclusion of each feeding. Baby number three went much better, and
we lived in breastfeeding bliss for almost five months until he went on a feeding strike. Panicked that he’d starve, I gave in to formula. Seven years later, I was given one more shot at breastfeeding with the surprise of baby number four. I redoubled my efforts, determined to make it work. He was weaned at ten months, and I could finally say that I had achieved breastfeeding satisfaction. Yes, I still had cracking and bleeding, but we made it through. So what was different? Obviously I learned a lot from my first three attempts. But the major reason I didn’t give up with Baby 4 was because of Barb, the breastfeeding consultant. She herself had successfully nursed five children (none of whom ever touched a drop of formula) and was able to walk me through the emotions, trials, tribulations, and joys of nursing. From cabbage leaves to soothe engorgement to a breast guard to help the baby latch on, she knew what she was talking about. The fact that she never grabbed my breast and tried to force my baby on was also a point in her favor. Although I was a slow learner, I hope others can learn from my experiences. Breastfeeding isn’t always as easy as it looks, and a good breastfeeding consultant can make all the difference between success and failure. At a time when sleep is a luxury and hormones are raging, having someone on your Add Your side to lead you through Thoughts! the toughest part of the process can make all the difference.
Tattle
tongues
PHOTO: LDPROD/THINKSTOCK
Is reporting rule breakers a good idea, or a sign of a bigger problem?
M
Many of the rules we impose on our children exist for a purpose, but every now and then there’s an infraction so small we feel OK looking the other way. Unless a tattletale steps in, that is. There’s no rule violation too small to present to parents and authority figures. Even if we’re content to let the behavior slide, the tattler is determined to make sure the wrong is righted. Acknowledging the tattletale gives the little justice fighter a power rush that all but guarantees they will tattle again, but ignoring them can send a message that rules aren’t important.
So what’s a parent to do? Why kids tattle
Tattling is most prevalent in toddlers, preschoolers, and grade schoolers. Some experts believe it stems from a child’s developing sense of morality. The child knows that there are rules in place and expects each and every child to obey those rules without question. The child sees noncompliance, no matter how trivial that noncompliance is, as legitimate grounds for adult intervention. Bringing others to justice makes them feel smart and important, and can give them the attention they feel they need. Older kids aren’t immune to tattling. Although tattling typically tapers off by middle school, some children who have difficulty socializing continue to tattle into the high school. These children often have weak problem-solving skills, need a defense mechanism to prevent
discomfort, or use tattling as retribution to avoid getting in trouble themselves. They rationalize that tattling to avoid awkward situations is preferable to dealing with the situation itself.
The good and bad of tattling The upside to tattling is that tattling is a sign the child is developing and using thinking skills. The ability to look at another child’s behavior, analyze it in regards to rules and expectations, and then report the findings to an adult is actually pretty advanced for toddlers. But because tattling is always a negative report of another’s behavior, that upper level thinking can get annoying quickly.
Of course, there are times that a child should seek out adult help and intervention, such as when a sibling or friend is doing something harmful or dangerous. In these instances, kids should report the behavior immediately and adults should react quickly.
Tattling versus telling
Young children, or older children with poor social skills, often don’t realize the difference between tattling and telling. Tattling is done to get someone else in trouble, while telling is done to keep someone safe. Informing a parent that a sibling is being annoying is tattling, but informing a parent that a sibling has matches in their bedroom is telling. Help distinguish between the two by asking the child whether they are tattling or telling. Telling should always be encouraged; tattling should not.
Tattletales are experts at finding the negative in every situation. Sometimes reframing their powers of observation go a long way in curbing tattling. If a child reports a negative behavior, ask the child to use their powers of observation to find three positive behaviors. If a tattler has to give three good observations for every
bad one, they will eventually start noticing the good in others or decide that it’s too much work to try to get others in trouble. Win-win either way!
Ongoing tattling
Constant tattling can be a sign of a larger problem. Most tattletales are indiscriminate in their tattling: their tattling encompasses each and every rule breaker they see. However, repeated tattling that focuses on one particular child may indicate that a true issue exists between the tattler and the reported child. Ongoing tattling concerning one particular individual may mean that the tattler feels victimized by that individual. Conversely, the tattler may be trying to get the child in trouble to feel a sense of power over that individual. Regardless, parents and responsible adults should keep an eye Add Your Thoughts! on any situation to try to figure out the root cause.
PHOTO: MONIKA ADAMCZYK/THINKSTOCK
Responding to every tattle reinforces the tattling behavior, so it’s important for adults to decide which tattles to respond to and which to ignore. Small rule infractions, behavior that doesn’t adversely affect others, or petty observations (he’s picking his nose!) can be ignored. If a major rule is broken, address the perpetrator, but also talk to the tattler to help them see if there was a way the situation could have been addressed without tattling. Encourage the child to look for ways to solve the problem on their own before seeking an adult’s help. Improving problem-solving skills often decreases tattling behavior.
TO SIP
Many parents think small sips of alcohol prevents big problems later on. But what are the risks? BY CRYSTAL PL ANTE
PHOTO: DEJAN RISTOVSKI/THINKSTOCK
or not to sip?
I
I was at a party once in which parents were invited to bring their children. I was chatting with an old friend when her niece wandered over and asked for a drink of her aunt’s cocktail. Without hesitating, the aunt gave the nine-year-old a small sip. The girl’s face twisted in disgust, and she ran off to join a large group of children on the dance floor. My face must have twisted in disgust as well, because my friend found it necessary to defend her actions. “Give it to them when they’re young,” she informed me, “and they won’t abuse it when they get older.”
Tartling Statistics
Apparently my friend is not alone in her belief. A full 25% of mothers believe that allowing younger children to taste alcoholic beverages will discourage teenage drinking. What’s more, a study by RTI International and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill found that 32.8% of third graders admit that they have had at least a taste of beer, wine, or other spirits. What is the average age of third graders? Nine. By age twelve, over half of American children have had at least a small taste of an alcoholic beverage. The mothers in the study gave numerous reasons why they believed early alcohol exposure was beneficial, but certain trends emerged. Most believed that forbiddance of occasional drinks made alcoholic beverages more appealing to children. Some believed that letting kids taste alcohol at an early age would result
in less experimentation in middle school. Still others felt that allowing children to taste alcohol at home would result in a better resistance to drinking-related peer pressure during the teen years. The overarching belief of the mothers in the study was that early drinking provided a form of protection against alcohol use and abuse later on.
Scientists are split
One would think the research vehemently opposes early sips, but that’s not necessarily the case. A survey conducted in Allegheny County, Pennsylvania, reveals that kids who imbibe in small sips before the age of twelve are no more likely to be involved in risky behavior, such as binge drinking, drug use, or delinquency, during adolescence. The lead scientists suggest that permitting early sips of alcohol allows children to learn about alcohol in a safe environment. This “normalizes” it, which supporters maintain is the approach adopted by European parents. Other researchers aren’t so quick to give the go ahead for early alcohol ingestion. More studies have found that children who are allowed to drink alcohol early don’t feel like their parents care about the child’s alcohol consumption later on. They feel they have their parents’ blessing to drink because they’ve been taught about it at home. Moreover, children who taste prior to age ten are statistically more likely to consume an entire alcoholic drink before age fifteen. As you may be aware, alcohol consumption during teen years is associated with engaging in risky behaviors.
One undisputed fact is that drinking at home does not ensure children will not drink outside the home. In fact, parents who allow sips may have given themselves a false sense of security. Because of their nonchalant attitude toward underage drinking, their children feel comfortable drinking outside the home as well. This runs counter to the intentions that most parents had when allowing tastes of alcohol in the first place.
Not all children who have a sip before age twelve will engage in risky behavior, but there’s no way to foresee who will and who won’t. Perhaps my friend’s niece’s disgust will be enough to keep her away from alcohol for a long time. Or perhaps she’ll keep searching until she finds a drink that doesn’t taste as bad. With the Add Your research so conflicted, Thoughts! allow sips at your own risk.
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The bottom line
PROTECT THEM THROUGH KNOWLEDGE:
A Parent’s Guide to
SEXUAL ABUSE
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Know the warning signs and learn what you can do to help protect your child from becoming a statistic.
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Sexual abuse is the ultimate betrayal of childhood innocence. The very thought of it is enough to make any parent’s blood run cold. Humiliation and shame can make it difficult for children to report the abuse to a parent or another trusted adult. To make matters worse, the American Psychological Association indicates that 60% of sexual abuse cases involve someone the child knows, like a family friend, neighbor, child care provider, or even another child. Approximately one in five children are sexually abused by the time they are eighteen years old, with ages seven to thirteen being the peak years for sexual abuse. Those are scary statistics, and parents need to know the facts to better protect their children. WHAT CONSTITUTES SEXUAL ABUSE?
Sexual abuse does not have to be sustained over a period of time to be classified as such. A single incident is enough to constitute sexual abuse, although ongoing sexual abuse tends to escalate over time in both frequency and intensity. The following forms of assault constitute sexual abuse: ✓✓ Fondling ✓✓ Masturbation ✓✓ Oral or anal sex ✓✓ Intercourse ✓✓ Exhibitionism ✓✓ Pornography ✓✓ Prostitution ✓✓ Obscene phone calls WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF SEXUAL ABUSE?
Sexual abuse seems to have a straightforward definition when, in fact, it is actually a very complex form of abuse. Contrary to belief, sexual abuse does not always involve touching. Sexual abuse is defined as “any sexually explicit act that harms a child’s mental, emotional, or physical well-being,” meaning that a child’s exposure to sexually explicit situations or material falls within the definition.
Children who are sexually abused often do not openly reveal the abuse to adults. In fact, two out of every three adults who were sexually abused as children admit that they never told anyone until they were much older. Young children often disclose the abuse accidentally while school-aged children are more likely to report sexual abuse to a trusted caregiver. Adolescents, on the other hand, usually confide in friends. Often the abuser will play on a child’s emotions or fears to avoid disclosure.
Less than 10% of cases involve strangers. The vast majority of sexual abuse is perpetrated by a trusted adult, such as a close relative. Although some believe that girls are affected more often than boys, the truth is that sexual abuse is equal among genders. However, many experts believe that sexual abuse in boys is underreported because of the nature of guilt and shame associated with such abuse.
Because victims usually remain silent, it’s important for parents and caregivers to recognize the signs and symptoms of sexual abuse. Physical symptoms are rare; the symptoms often manifest themselves through emotional and behavioral changes. The nonprofit child abuse prevention organization Darkness to Light lists the following behavioral and emotional signs of sexual abuse:
✓✓ Depression and/or anxiety ✓✓ Nightmares, night terrors, or other sleep disturbances ✓✓ Changes in eating habits
✓✓ Lack of interest in friends, sports, or activities ✓✓ Unexplained and/or frequent health problems like headaches or stomach aches
✓✓ Fear of particular people or places; these are usually the people and places they associate with the abuse.
✓✓ Avoidance of relationships
✓✓ Reluctance to be left alone with a particular person.
✓✓ Self-mutilation or cutting
✓✓ Low self-esteem
✓✓ Changes in body perception ✓✓ Mood changes like anger or aggressiveness
✓✓ Regressions like bedwetting or thumb sucking
✓✓ Rebellion ✓✓ Overly compliant behavior ✓✓ Withdrawal ✓✓ Runaway behavior ✓✓ Change in attitude toward school or academics
✓✓ Advanced knowledge of sexual language or behaviors ✓✓ Abnormal sexual behaviors
Additional warning signs include the following: ✓✓ Trouble swallowing ✓✓ Mentioning events or clues that could initiate a conversation about sexual issues ✓✓ Writes, draws, or plays about sexual or frightening images ✓✓ Reluctant to change clothes in front of others or participate in physical activities
✓✓ Suddenly talks about a new friend who is older ✓✓ Sexual promiscuity (in teens) ✓✓ Has unexplained money, new toys, or other presents ✓✓ Changes appearance to appear unattractive or undesirable ✓✓ Suicide attempts
Though physical symptoms are rare, they include the following:
✓✓ Trouble walking or sitting ✓✓ Vaginal infections ✓✓ Pain, discharge, or bleeding in the genitals, anus, or mouth ✓✓ Cuts or tears around the vagina or anus ✓✓ Redness, rash, swelling, or other trauma to the genital or anal area ✓✓ Recurring or persistent pain during urination or bowel movements ✓✓ Wetting or soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training ✓✓ Sexually transmitted diseases
WHAT SHOULD A PARENT DO IF SEXUAL ABUSE IS SUSPECTED? Sexual abuse has far-reaching consequences. People who were sexually abused as children often have sexual problems throughout adulthood, including promiscuity and the inability to maintain a stable relationship. Discovering the sexual abuse and acting upon the information is key to reestablishing the child’s wellbeing. As difficult as it is, adults must maintain a sense of calm when asking a child about
a suspected case of child abuse. Don’t put the child on the spot by demanding answers. This tactic not only scares the child, but can also cause him or her to bury the secret deeper. Children often mistakenly believe that the abuse is their fault and that they did something to bring it on themselves. Instead, lead the conversation with a series of openended questions that require answers beyond a simple “yes” or “no.” If the child discloses sexual abuse, stay calm. It’s important to tell the child that you believe him or her and offer assurances that you will do what you can to protect him or her. Reassure the child that he or she did the right thing by telling you and that it’s not his or her fault that the abuse happened. Don’t make promises you can’t keep or have no control over, such as promising that the abuser will pay for his or her actions. Do not confront the abuser yourself. Even if a child doesn’t confess sexual abuse, remember that a parent’s intuition is usually accurate. When in doubt, err on the side of caution and go with your gut. Every state has a State Child Abuse hotline to report acts of abuse. Call them and report the situation if the abuser lives within the home. If the abuse was perpetrated by someone outside the home, contact the police. If the child displays physical signs of abuse, take him or her to the doctor for verification and documentation. Keep in mind that certain individuals who regularly work with children, such as school personnel, social workers, health care providers, mental health professionals, child care
A counselor can be a vital resource for parents and children whether or not suspected abuse has been disclosed. They are trained professionals who can help the child understand that he or she is not to blame for the abuse. Counselors can also help reduce the behavioral and emotional damage imparted by sexual abuse. HOW CAN PARENTS SAFEGUARD CHILDREN AGAINST SEXUAL ABUSE? It’s unrealistic to think a parent can be present with his or her child at all times: both parents and children need individual time and privacy. But parents need to be aware of children’s friends and activities. If the child is involved in athletics or organizations, parents should make sure that events are managed so that a child is never left alone with an adult. A parent’s presence at sporting events and other activities sends a message to possible abusers that the child is well monitored which presents an obstacle to abuse. Furthermore, individuals who sexually abuse children often have certain characteristics that a vigilant parent can pick up on. Asking to spend time alone with a child or breaking parent rules to gain the child’s favoritism are warnings that shouldn’t be ignored. Perhaps the most important protection against sexual abuse is an ongoing and open dialogue with your child. Young children should be taught the difference between “good touch, bad touch.” A
good way to teach this is by telling your child that no one should ever touch them in any area that a swimming suit covers. And nip secrecy in the bud by emphasizing that no one should ever ask a child to keep a secret from a parent. Instruct the child to tell you immediately if someone does so. No parent wants to believe that their child is vulnerable to sexual abuse, but the statistics indicate otherwise. One in five children is sexually abused by the time they reach adulthood. Know the warning signs and what to help protect your child from becoming a statistic. For article sources and links to more info, please visit our website.
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providers, medical examiners, and law enforcement officials are required to report child abuse and neglect.
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C H A N C E
Learn more about the benefits of family time around the dinner table
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Give Peas
While family dinners sound great in theory, it’s more difficult in practice. Once you consider the obligations of modern life, like soccer practice, organization meetings, music lessons, hectic work schedules, and long commutes, and it feels like mission impossible. How on earth can you manage a family meal every night when your own plate is already full? Stop over thinking and lower your expectations. Family meals don’t have to be elaborate to produce the desired benefits. While it might not be nutritionally sound, a bucket of drive-thru chicken or a pizza delivery counts as a family meal—so long as everyone is present. You can also get a head start on dinner with a crockpot. In short, the benefits come from the shared family time rather than the food consumed. Worried your kids might grumble? It’s probably an act. A report from North Dakota State University found that children who regularly eat with the family experienced a sense of structure and routine that led to increased feelings of security and well-being. Moreover, 79% of teenagers admitted to actually enjoying regular family dinners.
Are you ready? Start small. Make it your goal to have one or two family meals each week. Increase that number (as schedules allow) until you find you’re eating together most days of the week. Make everyone happy by including the family in meal planning. You don’t have to wow them with cooking prowess to make family mealtimes memorable. Focus on spending time together as a family—without Add Your electronic devices—and Thoughts! the rest will fall into place.
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You’ve doubtless heard that family meals can cure all forms of social ills. Kids who eat with their parents are less likely to develop eating disorders, experiment with drugs and alcohol, or become obese. Eating meals around the family table also results in higher grades, better vocabularies, improved nutrition, and reduced stress levels. Eating together is apparently a magic bullet.
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THE BENEFITS OF
Gardening with Kids BY JEN LEEMAN
We bring you four ways gardening isn’t just about a nice yard or fresh vegetables—it’s about growing your relationship with your child.
When you involve your child in gardening with you, you are contributing to their physical and mental health in several very positive ways.
It’s a great workout. Clearing land, preparing soil, spreading mulch, and digging are all ways to work muscles we don’t normally use on a daily basis. Getting kids out to the garden is a great way to boost physical activity in a way that’s fun, even for kids who aren’t naturally athletic.
It’s a mood booster. Some studies have shown that there are actually anti-depressant properties in dirt. Getting some dirt under your kids’ nails and a healthy dose of vitamin D from working outside are natural ways to lift your kids’ spirits. Gardening also keeps them away from attention-sucking computer and television screens. Breathing in some fresh air and connecting with nature is a nice departure from solitary indoor activities. Gardening time
is also the perfect opportunity to have great conversations with your kids.
It’s educational. Planting a garden with your kids, whether it’s a large plot of land or a few pots on a balcony, is an opportunity to teach. Kids learn about what plants are native to their area, how to nourish seeds, and what conditions plants need to grow. It also encourages study in science, specifically ecology, in a unique, hands-on way.
It’s rewarding. Few activities are as rewarding as planting a garden. Watching flowers, fruits, vegetables, or herbs grow from seeds they planted gives kids a sense of accomplishment. Planting a sunflower seed and watching as the flower grows tall enough to tower over them is exciting—and satisfying. Involving kids in the gardening process from seed to harvest shows them with work and patience they can create something wonderful. The skills they learn can last a lifetime.
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Gardening is a wonderful hobby for adults and kids alike, and a healthy crop of fresh flowers or veggies is just one of the benefits.
Is your child crying nonstop at the same time every day? It might be colic.
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Life is good. Your little bundle of joy is just that and more. Three weeks in and she’s just starting to figure out the whole sleep thing. Suddenly colic hits, and you wonder how this tiny little being can wreak so much havoc so intensely for such long periods of time. The Mayo Clinic defines colic as “crying more than three hours a day, three days a week for more than three weeks in an otherwise well-fed, healthy baby.” Colic is not a harmful condition to babies, but the incessant crying does place considerable strain on parents. Up to 25% of babies have colic at some point during early infancy, and thankfully colic rarely lasts beyond the fourth month.
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Colic
How do you know if your baby has colic? The signs are hard to miss: • Inconsolable crying. Babies with colic cannot be comforted, no matter what the parent does. • Predictability. Colic occurs suddenly at the same time every day, often in the late afternoon or evening.
Despite doctors’ best efforts, the causes of colic remain elusive. Babies who have mothers that smoke are at greater risk of developing colic, yet it affects babies of nonsmoking moms as well. While we don’t know what causes colic, we do know what doesn’t cause colic: • It is not a result of feeding methods. Breastfed infants develop colic just as often as their bottle fed peers. • It is not due to certain formula brands.
If your little one develops colic, do what you can to comfort him or her. You can’t cure the colic, but anything you do will help. Rock, sing, walk, pat baby’s back, go for a car ride, run the washing machine on the spin cycle, or take a walk outside. Tag team the duties so one parent can have a break, or enlist a new set of arms (grandparents are great) to help cope with the condition. Regardless of what you do, stay calm and remember that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. This too shall pass.
• It is not a result of a mother’s temperament or anxiety. • It is not an indicator of food allergies or lactose intolerance. • Girls and boys develop colic similarly. • Colic is just as prevalent in firstborns as it is in later born children.
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• Change in posture. The baby will curl up her legs, clench her fists, and tighten the abdominal muscles. Gas or bowel movements may come toward the end of an episode of colic.
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Traveling with
TODDLERS Worried about taking your toddler on your next great adventure? We can help.
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Let’s face it—traveling with a toddler can be rough. With a little patience, perseverance, and preparedness, you can make sure everyone enjoys the ride. Make sure you pack a bag with the items below:
✓✓ Picture books – Children love to visualize. Bring their favorite books or pick up a few new ones for the trip. ✓✓ Kid-friendly snacks – Keep those mouths busy! Don’t rely on fast food
or rest-stop snacks to keep your toddler occupied. Pack healthy finger foods like grapes, sliced apples, granola, or dried fruit. ✓✓ Favorite blanket, pillow, or stuffed animal – Staying away for more than one night? Take your toddler’s blanket, pillow, or stuffed animal. An extra element of added comfort and familiarity will help them fall asleep without too much fussing.
You may have additional options available. If you’re traveling in a minivan with an entertainment system, bring your child’s favorite movie or TV show. If you’re traveling by plane, make sure you bring a pair of headphones that will fit your child for the inflight movie. You can also load up an educational, interactive app on your smart phone or tablet. Keeping your toddler actively engaged will go a long way toward keeping you (and your fellow passengers) happy.
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✓✓ Toys – Bring a few of your toddler’s favorite toys to keep them busy. And by all means, feel free to surprise your child with something new to make the trip seem more special.
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“Children thrive when parents set before them increasingly difficult, but always meetable challenges.” Unknown