Oct/Nov
2015
FOOD ALLERGIES VS. FOOD SENSITIVITIES
8 THRIFTY THRILLS MAKE MEMORIES WITHOUT
BREAKING THE BANK
PERFECTIONIST PARENTING PITFALLS
WHY I WON’T SCARE MY STUDENTS ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA
contents Contents ON THE COVER
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AND MORE… “A” is for Advice Is your pre-school kid sick all the time? Before you get too worried, read on.
Test Performance Anxiety
Contributor Amy Mayo shares why she thinks over policing our kids’ social media experience can do more harm than good.
Perfectionist Parenting Pitfalls Are you afraid of failure? Read on to find out why that may not be a good thing—for anyone.
Food Allergies vs. Food Sensitivities Read on to explore the differences between food allergies and food sensitivities.
8 Thrifty Thrills Flex your fun, not your wallets! Jen Leeman lists eight ways to make memories without breaking the bank.
FEATURES Quality Time in a Multi-kid Household Do you struggle making time for one-on-one experiences? Try these three tips to get connected.
Game On! Does your kids’ sport schedule put you on the defensive? We can help!
Parent-Teacher Conference Time Nervous about parent-teacher conferences? We offer four ways to foster a mutually productive relationship with your child’s teacher.
Is a Pain-free Pregnancy Possible? Fight pregnancy-related aches and pains with these four tips.
Prepare for Daycare If your child is entering daycare for the first time, look no further—we’ve got advice on making it through with fewer tears.
Baby Sleep Tips from Celebrity Parents
Hitting Close to Home: Motor Vehicle Safety and Kids
If you’re running low on Zs, try these celeb-tested sleepy-time advice.
Most motor vehicle accidents happen close to home. Are you safety savvy?
6 Ways to Find a Trustworthy Sitter Six ways to vet potential babysitters when you can’t just ask the teen next door.
How to Handle Deliberate Disobedience in Tweens Is your tween acting out? Keep these four suggestions in mind before delivering judgment.
Preparing Your Daughter for Her First Period Have you talked to your daughter about menstruation? Don’t wait until it’s too late.
The Holiday Shuffle Dealing with exes and estranged spouses over the holidays. .
COVER PHOTO: PHOTO:JUPITERIMAGES/THINKSTOCK. PHOTO: ND3000/THINKSTOCK
Why I Won’t Scare My Students about Social Media
Like it or not, testing is here to stay— but it doesn’t have to be scary. Try these tips for shaking off test-taking anxiety.
Carissa Pelletier PUBLISHER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MANAGING EDITOR
Jennifer Anderson GRAPHIC DESIGNERS
Alvaro Beleza Livia Beleza CONTRIBUTING EDITOR
Crystal Plante CONTRIBUTORS
Amy Mayo Jen Leeman Joyce Pease Katie Hale Kristin Personette Lana Bandoim Robert Pelletier Sadie Lankford
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When I Grow Up The end of October also means it’s time to trick-or-treat. I love the parade of costumes, the over-the-top decorations, spooky sound effects, and the occasional Kit-Kat. But what I really love about Halloween is the opportunity to celebrate my little neighborhood. When else do neighbors stroll sidewalks en masse, smiling, waving, and cheerily knocking on each other’s doors? It’s one of the few days a year where it’s socially acceptable drop in unannounced and exchange chitchat for a Snickers. There’ll be time later to hide (or toss) excess candy and stress the importance of oral hygiene and a low-glycemic profile. But when the sun sets on October 31, I’ll be out there with my kids, hooting and hollering with the best of them. What are your favorite fall traditions?
Carissa Pelletier Editor-In-Chief
PHOTO: CAMARIE CALLARI
Fall is my favorite time of year. The leaves change color, and the air crisps, making it the perfect weather for sweatshirts. It’s a time to get lost in a corn maze, visit the local cider mill, pick apples, carve pumpkins, and, frequently, stuff ourselves full of turkey. Autumn is a feast for the senses.
We asked...
Add Your Thoughts!
My parents were selfemployed when I was growing up, and that played a large part in inspiring me to do the same as an adult. My advice would be to persist and know that you’ll need to knock on every door until one opens. Never stop looking for new opportunities or angles you hadn’t thought of, and keep refining your game plan until it sticks. – BEEB ASHCROFT, BEEBASHCROFT.COM
Take a chance! – DEBRA MUCCIO
My friends & I had a snowcone stand when we were kidswe planned it for weeks but it was over 100 degrees out so we only lasted a day. It was fun though! – SHELL FEIS
Believe in yourself! Follow your passion. You will be happier in the end. – JENNIFER H., MY BOYS AND THEIR TOYS
Do what [you] love. – JASMINE ESPINAL
PHOTO: THINKSTOCK/THINKSTOCK
Did you have a lemonade stand growing up, own your own business now, or aspire to have a business owner in the family someday? What advice would you give budding entrepreneurs?
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“A”is for Advice BY CRYSTAL PL ANTE
Is your pre-school kid sick all the time? Before you get too worried, read on.
Q: Our four-year-old son was so excited
to start preschool this year, but it hasn’t turned out the way we expected. He’s had to stay home due to colds, fevers, vomiting, and a rash. He’s never been sick like this before. Is this a sign that there’s something wrong with his health?
A: I’m not a doctor, but I’m going to
make a few predictions. Tell me if I’m correct: Your child is either an only child or is your oldest child, and he did not attend daycare. If I am correct, chances are good you’re experiencing what happens to all first-time preschoolers. Regardless of how clean the environment, your son is being exposed to a host of germs he has never before encountered. Because he hasn’t had the opportunity to build up immunity to many common illnesses, his body is fighting them off as quickly as they come. Please don’t blame yourself or your son’s school for this; it’s a common phenomenon that happens to first-year teachers and nurses, too.
Although it’s miserable that he’s been sick so often this school year, take solace in the fact that his body is developing a healthy immune system that will last him the rest of his life. And since you’re dealing with all this during preschool, your son may just turn out to be the healthiest kindergartener in the entire school!
Want to ask any of our experts for advice? Visit our Ask a Question page to submit your dilemma!
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That’s not to say there aren’t steps you can take to prevent more illness. Teach your son to avoid putting any toys or fingers in his mouth. Remind him not to rub his eyes or pick his nose, and encourage him to wash his hands thoroughly and regularly. And always, always talk to your doctor if you have concerns. Recurrent illnesses or illnesses that take longer than normal to shake need to be evaluated by a pediatrician.
Add Your Thoughts!
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BY JEN LEEMAN
QUALITY TIME
inHOUSEHOLD a multi-kid Do you struggle making time for one-on-one experiences? Try these three tips to get connected. BY ROBERT PELLETIER
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In today’s fast-paced world, it’s challenging to fit in true quality time with our kids each day, especially when you have multiples. But the importance of individual one-on-one time—for both you and your children—should not be overlooked. Try these strategies to help make and find time to spend one-on-one time with all your kids.
Kids, especially younger ones, relish opportunities to do something beyond the norm. Mundane chores we often wish we could avoid—grocery shopping or fueling up the car—are exhilarating experiences for them. Roaming the grocery aisles and letting them know ahead of time that they can pick out one item of their choice can turn a boring trip into an exciting treasure hunt. You can let them help pump gas (if they’re of legal age to do so) or watch the meter, turning a simple errand into a math lesson about rounding numbers and multiplication. Young children typically are eager to help out and show off their skills, especially if they have a solo audience. Take one of your kids with you on a routine errand and see how much fun you can have.
BREAKFAST CLUB Most weekends I pick a morning and take one of our kids to the local diner. It’s exciting, largely because they get out of the house on their own and it makes them feel special. Their siblings get excited because they know whoever goes will bring them back a tasty surprise. These early mornings start off a precious workfree day on the right foot, and give me the opportunity to chat and hear stories— without sibling interruptions. Going out to eat as a whole family can really be an exercise in patience and management, but when we are there one-on-one, it is amazingly peaceful and provides a great opportunity to connect. This is one of my favorite parts of the week.
HOMEWORK All kids have natural strengths. One of my sons is a numbers whiz, and another prefers to read. As a result, it’s sometimes hard to focus their collective attentions on something they do not naturally gravitate toward. When we spend one-on-one learning time with our kids, it gives us an opportunity to work on developing skills in a calmer environment. It also gets the kids excited about learning. My wife spends time each morning practicing reading with our numbers whiz. He enjoys that calm time free from sibling chaos, and she can really connect with him and help him focus on phonics. It’s a great time to foster closeness and learning. All of our kids are different, but they all have one thing in common: they love oneon-one time with mommy or daddy. Truth be told, we love it as much—or more— than they do. Make sure that no matter how hectic your schedule, you still make Add Your time to connect in this Thoughts! way. It’s surprising how impactful it can be on the whole family.
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ERRAND ADVENTURES
FROM
CELEBRITY PARENTS
If you’re running low on Zs, try these celeb-tested sleepy-time advice. BY L ANA BANDOIM
PHOTO: KEVORK DJANSEZIAN/GETTY IMAGES MONKEYBUSINESSIMAGES/THINKSTOCK
BabySleepTips
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If you’re like most of us, you may not be able to afford around-the-clock nannies after your baby is born. However, even celebrities who can pay for full-time babysitters sometimes have to spend nights alone with their children. Their baby sleep tips can help you reach your dream state faster.
Follow Your Baby’s Patterns PHOTO: AGRIGORJEVA/THINKSTOCK
Tina Fey follows this classic advice: sleep when your baby sleeps. Although it’s a popular tip, many parents still ignore it and use naptime as an opportunity to take care of errands or chores. This can create a cycle of sleep deprivation and exhaustion.
Learn to Swaddle Ali Landry used swaddling to help both of her children sleep. Swaddling helps the baby feel secure and warm, so sleep is easier. It can also have a bonus calming effect.
Use Sleep Music Ali Landry also uses special sleep music to help her baby drift off. She isn’t the only celebrity to rely on music at bedtime. Kim Kardashian plays Kanye West’s music for North.
Establish a Sleep Schedule Jenn Brown has her mother-in-law to thank for her baby’s sleep schedule. The television host shared that her motherin-law spent weeks trying to get the baby on a set schedule. Her efforts worked, and Jenn is grateful that the baby is finally sleeping at night. The key steps to creating a sleep schedule are to keep the child active during the day and have consistent nighttime routines.
Admit the Occasional Defeat Sometimes the best tips and tricks aren’t enough to convince a baby to fall asleep. Ryan Reynolds jokes that his daughter may be allergic to sleep because none of the tricks work on her. It’s normal to admit the occasional defeat in your battle to get your child to sleep. Even celebrities suffer from sleep deprivation after their babies are born. However, you Add Your can borrow some of the Thoughts! tips they have learned to help your own baby sleep through the night.
PHOTO: FUSE/THINKSTOCK
TEST PERFORMANCE
ANXIETY Like it or not, testing is here to stay—but it doesn’t have to be scary. Try these tips for shaking off test-taking anxiety. BY JEN LEEMAN
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Parents are often surprised that standardized testing has become an integral component of their child’s education. These tests are designed to evaluate students’ abilities, assess teacher performance, and—in many cases— determine whether or not a school is making adequate yearly progress.
But even though standardized tests usually have no bearing on a child’s grades, they can cause some children to experience real anxiety. Don’t worry—this is normal. (After all, how many of you enjoy taking tests?) If your child is experiencing sweaty palms during test time, there are steps you can take to help ease his or her mind.
PHOTO: TONGRO IMAGES/THINKSTOCK
COMMUNICATE WITH THE TEACHER Contact your child’s teachers and find out what, if any, impact the test will have on your child’s grades. Ask for a study guide, or at least a general idea of what material will be covered. The more you know about the test, the easier it will be to reassure your child. MAKE STUDYING FUN Once you know what the test covers, find clever ways to take the edge off studying. Create colorful flashcards, play memory games, or use outdoor activities as a way of reinforcing the test material. Gamifying the studying experience can lower stress, ease pressure, and make your child more comfortable with the subject material. GET PLENTY OF SLEEP Sticking to a strict bedtime schedule is important, especially during testing periods. In 2013, researchers at the University of California Berkeley found that sleep deprivation can contribute to anticipatory anxiety (also known as excessive worrying). Adequate rest is crucial for your child’s academic performance and general state of mind. STAY HEALTHY AND HYDRATED Along with getting a good night’s sleep, make sure your child is eating
a balanced diet and drinking plenty of water. The right nutrients and proper hydration will ensure that your child is able to stay focused in school, giving them more confidence. USE DEEP BREATHING Deep breathing can help with any stressful situation, and is a wonderful coping technique. Have your child inhale deeply through the nose, filling their belly with air. Exhale through the mouth, bringing their belly button toward their spine. This is a deep breathing exercise that can be done at any time before or during the test to alleviate stress. LET THEM KNOW IT’S NORMAL TO BE NERVOUS Tell them they’re not alone—plenty of kids and adults get nervous about tests. Sometimes just knowing they’re not the only ones freaking out can help them cope. Remember: test anxiety is common. But with you as a study partner and cheerleader, your kids will feel more Add Your confident and less Thoughts! nervous. Do you have test-taking tips or rituals in your house?
GAME ON! Does your kids’ sport schedule put you on the defensive? We can help!
PHOTO: SIRI STAFFORD/THINKSTOCK
BY KRISTIN PERSONET TE
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Cook Ahead Practices and games can go late, which means the last thing you want to do when you get home is cook. You’re tired, and you probably want to spend some quality time with your family—not the stove. Instead of stressing about what you’ll have for dinner, make your meals ahead of time. You can do this over the weekend, cooking enough freezer meals to get you through the week. You can also throw together a Crock-Pot meal in the morning so that it’s ready by the time you get home in the evening.
Write It Out Map out what your week will look like, including game times, dinner schedules, and any extra appointments or responsibilities. By mapping out your week
on paper, you’ll be able to see what you need to do each day. This will help you better prepare for those events so that you don’t waste your valuable time scrambling.
Don’t Overcommit If you’ve written out your week’s schedule and you notice overlapping or back-to-back events, you might have overcommitted. It can be hard to say no, but your family needs breathing room. Keep that in mind when signing up for sports and try not to overcommit yourself or your kids.
Enlist Help Even the most organized parents feel overwhelmed sometimes. Don’t be afraid to enlist some help. Ask your spouse or another family member to help provide transportation or make dinner. By enlisting help, you’ll save time during the busy sports season, which allows you to focus more time on your family. If your kids are in sports, you know what a huge commitment it is. What are your best tips for balancing your home life with sports?
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: OSTILL/THINKSTOCK
Let’s face it: as your children get older, their schedules get busier. Not only do your kids have school, they also have homework and extracurricular commitments. Add these on top of your already busy schedule, and you’ll feel as if you don’t have time to breathe! You’re probably in charge of checking homework, providing transportation to games and practices, preparing dinner, and keeping the house in order. If that sounds familiar, you probably need a little help balancing your home life with your kids’ sports schedule.
Nervous about parent-teacher conferences? We offer four ways to foster a mutually productive relationship with your child’s teacher. BY CRYSTAL PL ANTE
PHOTO: JACKF/THINKSTOCK
PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE TIME
and experiences, the teacher can speak to abilities, performance, and interaction with others. Use the information to develop a big picture that can help you help your child succeed.
Focus
Share what you know
It may seem like the curriculum is too easy or too hard for your child, or that the classroom setup is less than ideal with so many kids shoved into a room. But more often than not, the teacher probably isn’t pleased about the situation either. Teachers are required to follow district, state, and national curriculum and may not have much (if any) say about what is being taught. (And teachers rarely have a voice in class size limits.) Instead, focus on what issues are within the teacher’s radius of control and how your own child is performing. Save your tertiary concerns for those who can actually institute largescale changes, like the principal or elected school board members.
You are the teacher’s best resource! If your child is disinterested in a subject, help the teacher find ways to engage him. Sometimes knowing “my child likes dinosaurs” is all it takes for a teacher to find materials to make learning exciting.
Pool your information You know your child better than anybody, but teachers also spend a large part of their day with your child. While you know your child’s interests, home situation,
It’s not just about grades Look beyond the grades. Good grades on a report card may overshadow a low score on an assessment that could signal potential problems ahead. Work ethic, interaction with others, motivation, and acceptance of responsibility are just as important as grades. Above all, teachers want to work with parents to help children succeed. Being involved in a child’s schooling by attending parent-teacher conferences sends a strong message to both kids and teachers about your commitment to teamwork and longterm learning.
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: TOMWANG112/THINKSTOCK
I
Is it time for the annual parent-teacher conference? You may not know it, but teachers are nervous too! So how should you, as a caring, concerned, and involved parent approach the big meeting?
IS A
POSSIBLE?
Fight pregnancy-related aches and pains with these four tips.
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BY L ANA BANDOIM
Pregnancy is hard on your body, and we don’t always talk about the chronic pain that comes with it. You may suffer from back pain, pelvic pain, abdominal pain and other related problems. However, you can work on a pain-free pregnancy with these easy tips.
Switch to Sleeping on Your Side It’s a simple trick that can help you find relief from back pain and other issues. Pregnant women can benefit from sleeping on their side because it can help
PHOTO: WAVEBREAKMEDIALTD/THINKSTOCK
Pain-free Pregnancy
Continue to Exercise If you have permission from your doctor, continue exercising while you’re pregnant. Exercise can improve your circulation and flexibility, making it less likely you’ll suffer from pain. You may have to adjust your usual exercise routine as your pregnancy advances.
Spend Time in Water Spending time in the water can help relieve and support your aching joints. Swimming and water aerobics offer a gentle way to exercise during pregnancy, and they can help you feel better. If you prefer to avoid wearing your swimsuit in public while you’re pregnant, then take baths to help you relax.
Watch Your Posture Back pain is one of the most common complaints from pregnant women, but adjusting your posture can help you avoid this problem. The rules you may have heard growing up about standing up straight still apply. Avoid slouching and arching your back to encourage better spine alignment. Pregnancy pain isn’t easy to avoid, but these tips can help you find relief.
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: TAMARAVIDMAR/THINKSTOCK
circulation. You may want to use extra pillows to make this sleep position more comfortable. You can place a pillow between your legs or under your stomach for extra support.
PHOTO: JUPITERIMAGES/THINKSTOCK
Prepare for Daycare If your child is entering daycare for the first time, look no further— we’ve got advice on making it through with fewer tears. BY SADIE L ANKFORD
Ease into it, if possible. Sometimes situations do not allow for a gradual adjustment, but if you can, introduce your child to daycare slowly, starting with just a few hours at a time. Visit the facility with your child ahead of time for a quick tour. Introduce your child to the care provider(s), and then leave—together. The next time you visit, drop your child off for a short period of time. After a drop-in or two, move to full time. Keep it positive. If you are nervous, your child will be nervous, too. Talk about all the fun things that will happen at daycare, and assure them you’ll pick them up right after work.
Pack it up. Your daycare center should give you a list of items your child will need on a day-to-day basis. This list might include: ∞∞ ∞∞ ∞∞ ∞∞ ∞∞ ∞∞ ∞∞ ∞∞ ∞∞
Diapers, wipes, and ointment Pacifier or other soothing item Bibs Bowl and spoon for toddlers Bottles and formula or pumped breastmilk Bedding for naptime Extra set of clothes (more for babies or potty training kiddos) Sunscreen and sun hat Medications
Remember to label everything! Use a permanent marker, stickers, or a label maker to get things organized, and keep everything in a special bin or bag.
Talk about it. Most daycare centers have a daily schedule. Get a print out and talk to your child about breakfast, snack time, play time, or outside time. Get them excited! Bring a lovey (or binkie). If the center allows it (and they usually do), bring a special item from home for your child to use at nap time. Whether it’s a pillow and a blanket, or just a stuffed animal, something from home can make the transition easier. Just leave. When it’s time to leave, leave. Kids usually stop crying the instant their parent walks out the door. Some will cry a little longer, but most of the time it’s best to “rip the Band-Aid off” rather than hang around. Whatever you do, don’t sneak out. Make sure you say goodbye to your child before leaving to prevent damaging trust.
Add Your Thoughts!
PHOTO: UPITERIMAGES/THINKSTOCK
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Transitioning your child to daycare for the first time can be difficult on you and on them. Make it easier by choosing the right provider and packing the right items.
Parenting Pitfalls Are you afraid of failure? Read on to find out why that may not be a good thing—for anyone. BY L ANA BANDOIM
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Perfectionism usually involves an intense preoccupation with unrealistic expectations. If you’re a parent, this preoccupation can affect your children. Perfectionists might be afraid to try new things because they might fail, or they may be completely unwilling to accept any type of criticism.
PHOTO: ND3000/THINKSTOCK
PERFECTIONIST
An intense focus on perfectionism can blur the identities between parent and child. Parents may feel that a child’s failures or mistakes affect them personally and make them look imperfect. Parents who are obsessed with this can harm a child’s stillforming identity.
Self-esteem Problems A child who lives with a perfectionist parent has a higher risk of low self-esteem. Each perceived mistake carries significant weight and can make the child feel inadequate. Children often mimic their parents’ fixations and that includes failure aversion. They may feel their worth is only tied to producing perfect grades or excelling in sports.
Lack of Joy Perfectionism can make parents miss out on the joy of raising their children. The obsession with being perfect can even make fun situations—like family trips—a
nightmare. No one can relax when everything has to be perfect.
Fear and Anger Parents who are perfectionists may end up with children filled with fear and anger. Why finish important projects or start new ones when failure isn’t allowed? Their anger may also encourage rebellion.
Health Problems Perfectionists have a higher risk of suffering from eating disorders and depression. They are also more likely to consider and commit suicide. The psychological impact of perfectionism can last for years. If you’re a perfectionist and a parent, you may want to consider how you’re affecting your children. Taking a step back and allowing for imperfection Add Your can minimize long-term Thoughts! consequences on you and your family. PHOTO: MARIADUBOVA/THINKSTOCK
Identity Crisis
HITTINGE:
M O H O T E CLOS
Motor Vehicle Safety and Kids
Most motor vehicle accidents happen close to home. Are you safety savvy? BY ROBERT PELLETIER
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Traffic accidents often conjure images of a highway wrecks, intersection mishaps, or drunk drivers. While those types of collisions can and do occur, most motor vehicle incidents happen closer to home. Each day children are killed or injured in
motor-vehicle related incidents within one mile of their place of residence. In some cases these accidents happen without leaving the property or starting the car. Learning about these dangers and staying alert is critical to your family’s safety.
SAME STREET SAFETY If you commute on a daily basis, you’re probably used to traveling at high rates of speed. Most highways are 65–75 mph zones, and nonresidential streets are often labeled at a 40 mph minimum. If you’re not alert, it’s easy to keep speeding through residential areas without intending to do so. Residential speed limits can seem like a crawl when you’ve just spent 30 minutes driving much faster. Statistics show children are three times more likely to be hit by a car when it is exceeding 25 mph. Even at that speed, you are moving over 100 feet in less than three seconds. Take a moment to think about that. It does not give you a lot of time to react. Make a point of slowing down in residential areas. The few extra seconds it takes you to get home can mean life or death.
BACKOVERS AND FRONTOVERS Each week in the United States, over 50 children are backed over, and two die. The statistics are even higher for frontovers. While we hear plenty of stories about children left in cars and injured or killed by heatstroke, we must be just as vigilant to the risks our children are exposed to in our driveways. Backovers and frontovers make up 64% of non-traffic related vehicle fatalities each year. It is critical to be aware of your surroundings when entering or leaving the home by vehicle. Do not rely solely on a backup camera. Take extra steps to ensure small children cannot leave the home unattended,
and manually check your surroundings before moving. While most of us worry about other drivers, we’re often to blame for tragic circumstances. In 70% of these incidents, a parent or relative is behind the wheel.
HEAT Heatstroke is responsible for 16% of nontraffic fatalities each year—and it’s entirely preventable. Never leave small children unattended in a car for any length of time. Even in cooler months, a car left in the sun can reach well over 100 degrees Fahrenheit in a short period of time. No matter how rushed we are, stop and ensure no child (or pet) is left in the car before you leave and lock the doors. Put a reminder note on your dashboard, if you need to, and do not ever make exceptions, even if you think you’ll only be a minute. Since 1998, an average of 38 children die from car-related heatstroke each year. One of a parent’s worst nightmares is their child being hurt or killed in motor vehicle incident. While there is no way to eliminate all risk related to travel, there are some simple things we can do to minimize them. Take it slow around town, stay alert when leaving or entering your home, and never leave a child unattended in a car. These behaviors will go a Add Your long way toward ensuring Thoughts! the safety of your most precious cargo.
WHY I WON’T SCARE MY STUDENTS ABOUT
SOCIAL MEDIA
Contributor Amy Mayo shares why she thinks over policing our kids’ social media experience can do more harm than good.
PHOTO: FUSE/THINKSTOCK
BY AMY MAYO
teens and pre-teens about potential dangers of social media. While I share the concern, I question the method.
I am reminded of Flat Stanley whenever I see a certain kind of post on social media. Someone, usually a teacher, will take a picture featuring a sign or a note asking for people to re-post and note their location as a way of demonstrating how quickly internet images. Unlike Flat Stanley’s adventures, the “travel” is not exploratory, but precautionary, warning
I’m also worried this heavy-handed approach is teaching young people to be overly concerned with their image and the perceptions of others. We should be helping our children develop their characters so that they are genuinely good people. It’s important their self-worth doesn’t solely—or inappropriately—rely on outside feedback. The media is much more pervasive in the lives of today’s adolescents than in earlier generations. As a result, the importance of public image has become so inflated that it can easily drown a young person’s ability to develop into the best,
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When my younger daughter was in second grade, her class read Flat Stanley, a book about a paper-thin boy who travels around the world via mailed envelopes. Her class made their own Flat Stanleys and mailed him to friends and family, all of whom had instructions to take pictures of Flat Stanley before sending him on. I had friends living in China and Spain at the time, so my daughter’s Flat Stanley became quite the world traveler.
Sharing on social media is a complicated issue, and it deserves to be dealt with as such. Young people know when they are being spoon-fed simplistic rules, and they often rebel against them. It’s tempting to provide clear, unambiguous directives, but those directives fail to give kids the tools they need to navigate inevitable ambiguities. Much like purity rings or the “Just Say No” campaign against drugs, rules without reasons invite pushback and remove the young person’s own decision-making abilities from the process. If you will excuse a little maritime analogy, we need to help young people develop the critical thinking skills and moral compass to necessary to navigate the choppy waters of social media. Throwing them the heavy anchor of “Just Don’t Post” won’t work.
this, and it will never go away” must have contribute to the feeling of hopelessness that led to those fatal decisions.
But do young people really understand the intended message? From what I have seen, the desired outcome is for young people to understand that something posted on social media can have negative implications on their reputation and future opportunities—and that those effects can be devastating. It’s questionable, at best, to encourage young people to tailor their image—and, by extension, their personality and character—to the needs of a nebulous future employer. It’s even worse to make kids think their messy childhood mistakes—that almost everyone makes— are wholly irredeemable. We have seen numerous young people die by suicide following shaming or bullying on social media. The message of “everyone can see
Social media is a relatively new landscape, one which we adults are still learning to navigate. While I understand the impulse to give hard and fast rules internet rules to young in the hopes of keeping them safe, doing so robs them of the opportunity to learn to participate responsibly. It also makes it harder for us to engage with them in a manner that truly nurtures and values their developing character and critical thinking skills. Helping young people interact with social media in a manner that enriches their lives, Add Your their intellect, and their Thoughts! relationships requires an ongoing conversation— not a meme.
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most true version of themselves. The “see how fast a picture travels via social media” lesson reinforces this concept.
first period
Have you talked to your daughter about menstruation? Don’t wait until it’s too late. BY JEN LEEMAN
PHOTO: FUSE/THINKSTOCK
PREPARING YOUR DAUGHTER FOR HER
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Raising a daughter is a complex and wonderful job, and it’s important you empower her with the knowledge she needs to grow up happy and healthy. When girls aren’t prepared for their periods, something that is a natural part of their physical development can become terrifying. Instead, it should be cause for celebration. Try to thoroughly cover the topic of menstruation with your daughter when she is old enough to understand, but young enough to have time to digest the information. All girls mature differently, but the tween years (between ten and twelve) are optimal.
Options Teach your daughter about options for feminine hygiene products. You can show her tampons and sanitary napkins and discuss how they are worn. If you want something completely natural and free of toxins and skin irritants, you can explore sponges or menstrual cups. Remember: what works for you may not work for your daughter. Let her figure out which options are most comfortable.
Preparedness Once your daughter knows what she wants, encourage her to keep those products in her purse or backpack when she goes to school. Knowing she is prepared in case of emergency will make the prospect of getting her period when she’s not at home less scary.
Girls should know they can go to the school nurse if they get their period at school. The nurse will be able to provide assistance or feminine hygiene products. They also can give you a call to let you know your daughter has gotten her first period.
Easing Symptoms Bleeding isn’t the only thing your daughter should know about. Part of preparing your daughter for this important life change is discussing symptoms associated with menstruation—many of which can be unpleasant. Cramps, lower back ache and heightened emotions are all common before and during a period. Help your daughter understand certain physical and emotional stresses are part of her monthly cycle, and give her options for reducing symptoms. Heating pads, ibuprofen, and breathing exercises are all important. Understanding menstruation is a vital part of a growing girl’s development. Let her know there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and that she can always approach you with questions. Teaching your daughter about her body and the natural changes she will go through on her way to womanhood help Add Your her accept her changing Thoughts! body confidently and without fear.
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Six ways to vet potential babysitters when you can’t just ask the teen next door.
BY JOYCE PEASE
Ways to Find a Trustworthy Sitter
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Finding the right childcare provider for your family is tough, whether you’re looking for long-term care or a trusted babysitter for a night out. As a member of Care.com and a professional nanny, I know that parents need reliable help without a hassle. Let my experience be your guide.
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Get references. Yes, both personal and professional, and call them! These references will help alleviate your concerns and give you the opportunity to learn more about the caregiver. If you’re having trouble reaching one or more of the references, give your prospective sitter the benefit of the doubt and let them know. I accidentally listed a wrong number once, and it was for an excellent reference. Meet up first — without the kids. You need to get a feel for your prospective sitter before they interact with your children. This is safer for you and for your nanny! This isn’t always possible if it’s a last-minute or emergency arrangement, but if you can’t meet in person, insist on personal phone call. Run a background check. This step primarily applies to web-based sitters, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Many sitting websites, including Care.com, allow you to run background checks. Use it! I actually pay extra every month for an extensive search for my parents to view. If there’s no background check available, there is probably a reason. Schedule a kiddie interview. After you’ve met with the prospective nanny or sitter, schedule a time for them to come to your home to meet with your children while you are present. A trustworthy and reliable sitter will understand. I have no
problem budgeting time to hang out with children while the parents are present. This gives me the opportunity to see how the parents interact with and discipline their children.
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Write your rules! If you have strict dos and don’ts, put them in writing. This should include bedtimes, TV and computer rules, snack issues, and discipline guidelines. For infants and toddlers, leave a detailed note that outlines all their routines: snack and bottle times, special toys and blankets, lights on or off, stories, and bedtimes. You can keep a nanny/sitter notebook so that your sitter can log diaper changes, bottle feedings, boo boos, and comments for parents. Sometimes when parents get home there is a mad rush to get the sitter paid and out the door. In that rush, things that happened may not get expressed or are forgotten.
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Follow your heart — and gut. Above all else, listen to your children and to yourself: if your kids don’t warm up to the nanny or sitter, there could be a problem. There’s always an adjustment period, particularly for anxious and young children, and that’s normal. Talk to your children and really listen if they tell you why they don’t like the sitter. If they think their babysitter is mean because they followed the rules, that’s one thing. However, yelling, cursing, sitting on a cell phone, or hitting are all red flags. Follow up with the babysitter, and if you’re not satisfied, let them go! Me? I am blessed with working for some of the best parents ever, and I love them all. Don’t let one bad sitter ruin your trust in all of them.
Add Your Thoughts!
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HOW TO HANDLE DELIBERATE
DISOBEDIENCE IN TWEENS Is your tween acting out? Keep these four suggestions in mind before delivering judgment. BY HALE BYKATIE LANA BANDOIM
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The tween years are challenging for parents and children alike. The combination of testing their boundaries and trying to gain independence can make disobedience a frequent problem for tweens. How do you deal with a tween who deliberately disobeys?
ELIMINATE EMPTY THREATS Tweens know when you’re making empty threats. If you have no intention of taking away their phones or video games, don’t use that threat as a possible punishment. You should always follow through.
AVOID HARSH PUNISHMENTS
A child who deliberately disobeys you could be testing boundaries. This is why it’s important that children learn that their actions have consequences. You can use the situation to teach them that negative actions can lead to negative consequences. If they misbehave, then they lose their computer or television privileges.
Tweens strive for independence and push boundaries as they grow. Although you want them to behave, it’s important to understand they will make mistakes. A harsh punishment may be necessary in extreme cases of disobedience, but most situations can be handled differently.
AVOID ANGER It’s not easy to avoid anger after seeing your child deliberately break an expensive item or ignore your rules about playing outside. However, anger can escalate the situation and make you forget the valuable teaching opportunity that has been presented. Your child can mimic your anger and become even more difficult. Instead, stay calm or take a brief break to control your emotions.
You want to emphasize the rules while condemning the problem behavior, but you don’t want to make your child feel that the punishments have gone too far. Your final decision should make them understand the consequences without making them feel like you hate them. You can find a balanced solution that works for your family and encourages tweens to Add Your behave without making them Thoughts! feel scared to breathe in your presence.
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CONSEQUENCES
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FOOD ALLERGIES vs . FOOD SENSITIVITIES Read on to explore the differences between food allergies and food sensitivities. BY CRYSTAL PL ANTE
Food allergies and food sensitivities can share these common symptoms:
∞∞ Stomach pain ∞∞ Nausea ∞∞ Vomiting ∞∞ Diarrhea Beyond those symptoms, each condition has its own signs.
Food sensitivities are characterized by:
∞∞ Gradual onset ∞∞ Reactions limited to the digestive system ∞∞ Heartburn ∞∞ Headaches ∞∞ Nervousness/irritability Children and adults with food sensitivities can often eat small amounts of the offending food without a reaction. Large amounts, however, cause discomfort.
Food allergies are characterized by:
∞∞ Sudden onset ∞∞ A full immunological response ∞∞ Tingling mouth ∞∞ Hives ∞∞ Rash/hives/itchiness ∞∞ Shortness of breath ∞∞ Chest pain ∞∞ Swollen face/tongue/throat Allergic reactions can lead to anaphylaxis, which is a life-threatening situation in which the child has difficulty breathing and a sudden drop in blood pressure. Food allergies, in contrast to food sensitivities, are always severe. Total avoidance is the only way to prevent a reaction. If you feel your child has an allergy or food sensitivity, make an appointment with your pediatrician or allergist. Understanding the condition is the best way to ensure Add Your your child receives proper Thoughts! treatment in order to live as unlimited and fulfilling life as possible.
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The number of children diagnosed with allergies continues to rise. For reasons that have yet to be understood, children born after 1998 are more likely to have allergies than those born before. Many parents are quick to diagnose their child with an allergy when in truth, the diagnosis is best left to a doctor as the symptoms of food allergies can mimic the symptoms of a food sensitivity. Both are serious medical diagnoses, but each condition requires its own treatment plan. In truth, food allergies are distinctly different from food sensitivities.
Dealing with exes and estranged spouses over the holidays. BY KATIE HALE
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Whether it’s your first year or your tenth dealing with your ex during the holidays, it’s rarely easy. Every family suffering through a divorce or separation needs time to adjust, and the holidays offer unique challenges.
This year you may be adjusting not only to your former spouse in the picture, but also to his or her new spouse. Fortunately, learning how to navigate family events peacefully can have a lasting, rewarding impact.
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The Holiday Shuffle
Listen to your child. When you
have a child in the picture, what you and their other parent think about each other doesn’t matter. Asking your child for their preferences is important to build mutual respect and understanding. Stop talking and start listening to what your child wants this holiday season.
Show some respect. This means no
bad mouthing, gossiping, or grumbling about the other parent. You can complain to your friends all you want, but never talk negatively about your ex in front of your kids. Allow your child to pass judgment about you, your ex, and any stepparents on their own—without your unsolicited opinion.
tempting to say no to what the court ordered visitation says, it is really important to follow the rules. (Especially if your relationship with your ex is shaky.) Even if you don’t like giving your child up for the holidays, follow what the judge deemed appropriate. What your ex chooses to do with your kids during their time isn’t always what you would like or want. You have to let it go and let this happen. (Unless, of course, there’s a safety concern.) It’s simple: Listen to your children, respect your ex and any new stepparents, and follow any applicable visitation rules. Dealing with your ex during the holidays shouldn’t be about you, your opinions, or your Add Your desires. Make holidays Thoughts! about family instead, and focus on your children’s safety and happiness.
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Follow the rules. While it may be
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Thrifty Thrills
Flex your fun, not your wallets! Jen Leeman lists eight ways to make memories without breaking the bank. BY JEN LEEMAN
Go to school.
Or take a hike, or go bird watching. Take advantage of your city, state, and national parks, and enjoy the great outdoors.
Go to school after school, that is. If there’s a local school with an awesome playground, take your kids to play. You can bring a book and relax while the kids climb the monkey bars. Just make sure you check to see if it’s okay to be there after hours!
Pack a picnic.
Lend a hand.
As long as you pack it up and take it outside, your kids won’t mind if it’s at the beach, the park, or even in your own backyard. There’s just something special about spreading a big blanket and enjoying lunch outside.
Volunteering with your children is fabulous— you get to spend time together, encourage empathy, and have a positive impact on your community. Check out nonprofits in your community (think animal shelters, food banks, Habit for Humanity, or local hospitals) and schedule some time.
Go fly a kite.
Check out the library. Besides being a great place to escape for the day, many public libraries offer free programs for kids: arts and crafts, movies, game nights, or readings. Check out your local branch to find out what fun, free things are being offered right now.
Have a Spa Day. Even the boys in your life can get on board with some pampering, especially if it’s at home. Invest in some grocery store ingredients for natural face masks (e.g., honey, oatmeal, and avocado), soak tired feet in Epsom salts, and paint fingernails and toes.
Eat on the cheap. Plenty of restaurants, especially franchised businesses, offer “Kids Eat Free” days. Check your local specials, and then treat your kids to a night out. You’ll still have to pay for your own entrée, but you’ll still be saving money.
PHOTO: BANANASTOCK/THINKSTOCK
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Tight on cash? We’ve got eight ways for you and your kids to go out and have a great time.
Get wet! No beach? No problem. Cool off your kids on a hot day with a sprinkler or plastic kiddie pool. Just be sure to follow your town’s water restrictions. On cool days, try an indoor community pool or splash around in the tub. Add Your What are your favorite free activities?
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Pampering Yourself
Self-care is important, and it doesn’t have to break the bank. BY KATIE HALE
PHOTO: FUSE/THINKSTOCK
on the Cheap
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Every mom deserves a massage and a day at the spa, but we know that isn’t in everyone’s budget. But if you need to feel good quick, we have three ways to do it without the guilt. CREATE A NOOK FOR READING OR JOURNALING. This might mean finding a chair, putting it in a nice corner of your home, and grabbing a warm fuzzy blanket. A cup of coffee or tea along with a great book, magazine, or a journal can give you more comfort and calm than a day in a spa. For many moms this has to happen early in the morning or late at night when children are sleeping. TAKE A BUBBLE BATH. Light some candles, turn on soft music, and draw yourself a bubble bath. If you don’t have a special bubble bath, use a little bit of your favorite shampoo or body wash. You also can add a drop of soothing essential oils, like lavender, chamomile, or sandalwood to help set the mood for relaxation.
Taking care of yourself means finding ways to pamper yourself on occasion. Whether you take a bubble bath, read a book, or go out to look at new clothes, you need to focus on Add Your giving yourself time to Thoughts! reboot and recharge from the daily grind.
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GO WINDOW SHOPPING ALONE. Sometimes it’s not actually about spending money, but looking. Take an afternoon and go to the mall or a local boutique and just browse. Try on dresses or styles you may never buy, then take pictures of yourself in the dressing room mirror so you can feel fancy.
Frederick Douglass
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“ It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”