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50 GOOD NEWS STORIES | SLEEP EASY | STAMP OUT STIGMA | HEALTHY HABITS
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Grow your own way “No is a full sentence.” I recently saw an interview where actor Elizabeth Olsen shared this as the best piece of advice she’d received, and it really stuck with me.
Our natural reaction is often that boundaries have to be reasoned, and our decisions have to be justified. But the truth is we don’t owe anyone an explanation when it comes to protecting our mental wellbeing. And after five years being engrossed in all things wellness, this concept still felt like a lightbulb in my head. It seems revolutionary to know what is best for us, and stand firm on that decision. For me, this is a sign of true growth. Typically we think of selfdevelopment as saying yes to new opportunities, and pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone.
Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge
Growth can indeed encompass all those things, but sometimes our comfort zone can be peoplepleasing, or just going with the flow, and always putting others’ needs before our own. So, equally, having the courage to say ‘no’ can be a massive step forward. It’s wildly empowering to take full ownership of your needs, to realise that whether or not others understand them is not our responsibility, and we don’t need to spend time and energy convincing them otherwise – it doesn’t change our response.
In this special issue, we’re focusing on growth in all its forms, as we share articles on recognising our emotions, and shaking off the shame of a good cry. We’re reflecting on 50 bits of good mental health news from the past five years, as well as offering powerful words of hope and inspiration from our community – sentiments to help you through the tough times, and to serve as a reminder of how strong you really are. Growth can be found in even the most difficult of circumstances. You may not even notice it as it’s happening, so with that in mind we’ve introduced a new journaling section, to help you reflect on your needs, and those daily proactive steps you take to look after yourself. Remember, when it comes to your wellbeing, the only person you owe anything to is yourself. It’s time to ‘no’ your worth...
At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society is at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR
I | @happiful_magazine
20
Broader horizons 14 What is fork theory?
The simple tool helping you to express your limits
52 The mid-life pivot
How to thrive when you choose to go down a different path
71 Calling it what it is
What to do when you find yourself stuck in a toxic workplace
87 Crying shame
Exploring the truth behind our tears
49
Food & health 30 Sleep solutions Drift off, naturally
45 Lauren: road to recovery One woman's resilient journey
49 Food freedom
Start eating intuitively
62 How to fuel a family
Versatile, nutritious, budget-friendly recipes for the whole family
Positive pointers 17 Healthy habits
How to build, and maintain, them
Culture
22 A fresh start...
8 Good news
40 Take a hike
13 The wellbeing wrap
56 50 positive MH stories
48 Four good reads
68 Reasons to be hopeful
Uplifting stories to make you smile
54 Try something new
Discover joy in adventure
Find comfort in these messages of support and inspiration
77
Try this at home 16 Box breathing for calm 36 Reduce your kitchen waste
Wellbeing
64
87
20 How to find the right help 33 Are you overfunctioning?
Watch out for this wellbeing threat
38 Sorting self-stigma How to set yourself free
60 Name it to tame it
Get up close with your emotions
64 Misdiagnosis, explained
What to do when getting support isn't straightfoward
74 The choice is yours
How to deal with decision fatigue
Relationships 25 Coping skills for kids 26 It's time to own it
Author Jessica Jones on learning to embrace who you are
32 Signs of domestic abuse
60
77 Feeling charitable?
Embrace the fundraising spirit
81 Working mum guilt
Why does it happen, and what can we do to soothe it?
85 Spring watch 90 Affirmations for tough days
*
Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. There are many paths in life, and the decision of which one to follow can often sculpt who we are. The path we embark upon may not always feel comfortable, and this is why it’s important to be open with your experience. Head over to p52 to check out some helpful tips about ‘pivoting’ the path you are on. Ultimately, whatever the path, the desire is that it brings you happiness, contentment, and opportunities to grow and learn. If it does not, perhaps it’s time to review the journey that you are on. RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.
Our team
Expert Panel Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue VICTORIA JEFFRIES
SHARON ROOKE
BA (Hons) MSc MBACP
MSc NLPtDip UKCP
Victoria is an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor, in the public and private practice.
Sharon is a registered psychotherapist specialising in psychological trauma.
EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Grace Victory, Andy Gill | Columnists Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor
KIMBERLY TOMLINSON
ANDY GILL
BSc MBACP
BA NLP E-RYT JSY500 AC BWY
Kimberley is a psychotherapist specialising in person-centred therapy.
Andy is a therapist who uses coaching, hypnotherapy, and yoga.
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator Tamlyn Izzett | Graphic Designer
KAREN SCHUMANN
SUKHI JOHAL
Dip.Couns MBACP
LLB Hons NLP Prac
Karen is a qualified person-centred counsellor.
Sukhi is an NLP qualified personal and professional development trainer.
CARLY FERGUSON
ALIYA PORTER
Carly is a leadership and career elevation coach, and human design expert.
Aliya is a registered nutritionist, author of Weaning on a Budget.
BA Dip ICF
BSc (Hons)
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus | PR Manager
CONTRIBUTORS Rosalind Ryan, Amy Metson, Rosie Cappuccino, Caroline Butterwick, Clara Doran, Lauren Jennings
SPECIAL THANKS
Victoria Jeffries, Kimberly Tomlinson, Karen Schumann, Sarah Wheeler, Aliya Porter, Jeremy Sachs, Carly Ferguson, Sukhi Johal, Ali Scott, Amy Metson
MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
JEREMY SACHS
FE ROBINSON
BA Hons Dip.Couns
MUKCP (Reg)
SUBSCRIPTIONS
Jeremy is an integrated psychotherapist working with trauma recovery.
Fe is a psychotherapist, EMDR therapist, and couples counsellor.
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SARAH WHEELER
HATTIE REES
BA (Hons)
BSc PGCert ANutr
Sarah is a reiki and yoga teacher, and author supporting women.
Hattie is a associate nutritionist and certified intuitive eating counsellor.
Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com
AMY METSON
ALI SCOTT
MAC ICF ACSTH ADCT
BA DipCHyp NLP MPrac
Amy is a transformational life and career coach, specialising in boundaries and balance.
Ali is a transformative life coach, supporting people to feel free.
CONTACT
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Find help CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org
GENERAL LISTENING LINES
Head to happiful. for more com se and supprvices ort
SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt
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WORKING 9 TO 5 It’s time to ditch the working mum guilt
Forked off ?
The cutlery-based theory to explain your limits
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50 GOOD NEWS STORIES | SLEEP EASY | STAMP OUT STIGMA | HEALTHY HABITS
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The Uplift
SUPPORT
Campaigners support rural mental health Mental health problems can feel incredibly isolating, but when you’re physically isolated, too, things can get even more challenging. In a bid to support those living in rural areas, and to raise awareness of mental health in agriculture, Welsh charity the DPJ Foundation has launched its Gofala Am Dy Ben (Mind Your Head) campaign. The foundation – which spreads awareness and provides training to those in farming to help them forge a better understanding of
8 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
mental health conditions and their impact on those in the community – is asking people to share photos or videos on social media, showing what you do to deal with the challenges that come your way on a daily basis, using the hashtag #GofalaAmDyBen “It’s been a difficult two years with the pandemic, and it’s a busy time of year for farmers, with lambing, calving, and general farm work, so it’s never been more important to take care of
our head and our mental health,” commented Alaw Llwyd Owen, a regional champion for the DPJ Foundation. “As an organisation, Nerth Dy Ben [a Welsh language organisation] campaigns to remind our rural Welsh community of the strength and resilience we all have to cope with the daily challenges and achieve things from day to day.” Mental health affects people from all walks of life, and this campaign is another step to make sure that everyone is included in the conversation.
WELLBEING
Those with anxiety are more likely to experience ASMR ‘tingles’ The great ASMR divide: it splits us into groups of those who love it, and those who feel nothing at all. Those in the former group report experiencing pleasant, soothing, tingling sensations when listening to ASMR sounds like whispers and other quiet noises. But it’s not a universal experience, and scientists think they might know why. Researchers from Northumbria University gathered together
volunteers made up of people who do experience those pleasant sensations, and those who do not, and asked them to watch a video designed to trigger ASMR responses. Participants then filled out several questionnaires created to evaluate their neuroticism, and tendency to experience anxiety. While they noted that further research is needed to enhance our understanding, what the researchers found was that
those who had the pleasant ASMR experience had higher levels of neuroticism and anxiety disorders than those who didn’t. But additionally, watching an ASMR video reduced anxiety in those who were experiencing the tingles, which suggests it could be an effective intervention for those already living with anxiety. Intrigued? Head to YouTube and search for ASMR videos. Then sit back, relax, and observe.
TECHNOLOGY
Study suggests VR could make therapy easier What once was a thing of sci-fi and futuristic experiences, is now increasingly finding its place in our everyday lives, and a new study from Edith Cowan University, in Western Australia, has suggested that virtual reality (VR) could help those seeking therapy. Researchers found that 30% of people prefer talking about negative experiences with a virtual reality avatar, rather than a real person, following an experiment that compared the social interactions between those engaging in VR conversations versus those having face-to-face sessions. “Overall, people rated VR social interaction as similar to face-to-face
interaction, with the exception of closeness, where people tended to feel a little closer with each other when face-to-face,” Dr Shane Rogers, psychology and communication researcher, said. “The study found that 30% of people preferred disclosing negative experiences via VR. This means that therapy might be opened up to new people who don’t feel comfortable with faceto-face interactions. “It might also enable therapists to conduct therapy more effectively at a distance, as a person can be in the therapist’s room (in virtual reality) while seated in their own home.”
With the ever-strong tide of change bringing tech like this to the forefront of our experiences, opportunities to shake up old ways of doing things are plentiful. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
happiful.com | Issue 60 | 9
KIDS
Developing social skills and empathy? That’s child’s play Barbie is known for her blonde locks and great outfits, but it turns out she can also help kids develop social skills. Research from Cardiff University looked at the brain activity of children when playing with dolls, and found they talked more about others’ thoughts and emotions compared to when playing characterbased games on a tablet. “When children create imaginary worlds and role play with dolls, they communicate at first out loud and then internalise the message about others’ thoughts, emotions, and feelings,” Dr Sarah Gerson, neuroscientist at Cardiff University and lead author of the study, told The Guardian. “This can have positive long-lasting effects on children, such as driving higher rates of social and emotional processing, and building social skills like empathy, that can become internalised to build and form lifelong habits.” The study also found increased brain activity in the posterior superior temporal sulcus (pSTS) region when talking, as if their doll had thoughts and feelings. So, should all parents go out and buy the nearest Barbie for their little ones? Not necessarily. Benjamin Mardell, director of the Pedagogy of Play project at Harvard Graduate School of Education, was not involved in the study, but noted that results can apply to any role-playing toy. Whatever character your child reaches for, it’s time to get serious about playtime. Writing | Kat Nicholls
happiful.com | Issue 60 | 11
Take 5
How did you do? Search'f reebies' at shop.hap piful.com to find th e answ and mor ers, e!
Put your puzzling prowess to the test with this issue’s brain teasers
Riddle me this
Thinking caps at the ready – can you uncover the hidden word or phrases in the following rebus puzzles (otherwise known as picture riddles)? The placement of the word or letters can often be a vital clue, but also consider the sizing, number of words, colours, or even the phonology (AKA what it sounds like when said literally). Good luck!
JACK
STOOD MIS
ROOD
T_RN
GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE
TRAVEL
Mill1on
Secret Secret
HAY HAY HAY HAY NEEDLE HAY HAY HAY HAY
3.14 THINK
The
wellbeing wrap Canada has opened the world’s longest hiking trail that stretches nearly 15,000 miles coast-to-coast
Can’t function without your morning cup of Joe? Well the good news is a decade-long survey of half a million Brits has found that drinking three cups of coffee a day can help you live longer – but it must be ground coffee. Gives a new meaning to being full of beans.
Muscle memory
We all know exercise is good for us, but a new study has revealed that keeping active in your 50s and 60s could boost your brain power, too. Working out three times a week for four months led to better memory retention in participants!
The pet sanctuary Cyber flashing is to be made a crime, with perpetrators facing up to two years in prison
Often it’s the older, or unwell dogs, that spend the longest in animal shelters, which led one woman to build her own dog hospice to take care of these precious animals in their last moments. Valerie Reid created the non-profit Whispering Willows Senior Dog Sanctuary, Missouri, in 2017, and now houses up to 80 dogs at a time. By welcoming these woofers into her home, she’s ensuring they get to live our their last days in a safe, loving environment, and no dog is left alone.
Three seconds to success A company in Wales is taking its 55 staff on an all inclusive holiday as a thank you for working through the pandemic
Scientists report that they have potentially cured HIV in a woman for the first time
Scientists have discovered that lifting weights for just three seconds a day is enough to build muscle – but you must be consistent: three seconds a day, five days a week, for four weeks at maximum effort. The good news is that even a small, regular commitment is enough to instigate change – perhaps a lesson to take into other areas of our lives… A boss of a marketing firm in the Cotswolds, 71a, is putting employee wellbeing first. To counter the financial stress the UK has been put under, Edward Newman is giving all staff a pay rise to cover the National Insurance hike, as well as trialling a four-day working week.
Feeling nostaglic?
A Reddit thread recently went viral, when a user asked people to share their favourite childhood TV shows that no one else seems to remember. Some familiar favourites included The Queen’s Nose, Zzzap!, and Get Your Own Back. Any other obscure shows you’d add?
Building a brighter future
After a three-year apprenticeship, Todd Scanlon, from Swindon, is set to become the UK’s first fullyqualified scaffolder with Down’s syndrome. Working at Coles Scaffolding, Todd’s been described as having ‘boundless energy’, which helped him to win a public vote to be named the UK’s top apprentice as well!
Our brains adapt throughout our lives, but a recent study on astronauts has found that spaceflight can also prompt brains to re-wire in preparation for new surroundings. Researchers found that the sensorimotor tracts, responsible for sensory, motor, and processing, changed. To infinity, and beyond.
I sense wedding bells...
A neurodivergent couple went viral on TikTok after sharing their sensory-friendly wedding, which challenged traditional ideas of what you ‘have’ to do on your big day. Mona, who is on the autism spectrum, and Aaron, who has ADHD, included measures such as wearing earplugs, having breaks, getting married in a familiar location, and Mona being seated at the end of the table to avoid excessive eye contact.
What is
fork theory?
We all have a personal bandwidth when it comes to the daily experiences or challenges that we can handle. Could fork theory offer a clear and simple way of sharing our limits?
W
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
e all have different capacities for things. Whether that’s energy levels, emotional bandwidth, or explaining that we’re ‘running low on spoons’ (a theory that became particularly popular among chronic pain communities, and has since grown within the wider disability community). The language we use to communicate how we are coping can have a significant impact on how well others can understand how hard we may be finding things. But what alternative theories are out there, and how can they help us to communicate how we are feeling?
Spoon vs fork theory: what’s the difference? Spoon theory works on the idea that we have a set number of ‘spoons’ at the beginning of each
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
day. How many spoons you have can vary between people and days. A single action like taking a shower could cost you one spoon or three, depending on how overwhelmed you may be feeling. No matter what you do, you have a finite number of spoons to get things done in a day, then that’s it. Fork theory, on the other hand, works with the idea that throughout the day, ‘forks’ are stuck into you. One or two may be fine, but at some point, there are just too many things adding up and you’re done for the day. Those ‘forks’ could be something small that you could cope with a lot of, like being too busy to stop for a morning cuppa on your way to work, or the cafe running out of your favourite options before lunch. Or they could be something big that drains your emotional or physical energy, like
finding out your boiler just broke, or an approaching deadline for a big project. Once someone reaches their limit, they have had too many forks ‘stuck into them’, and they no longer have the bandwidth for other things. This could mean that they retreat (emotionally or physically) for the remainder of the day. Or for others, it could mean having a meltdown. In essence, where spoons are used to represent energy, forks are stressors. The more spoons someone has is a good thing, whereas the more forks someone has is bad. With both theories, the number of spoons you have, or the number of forks you can take, varies from day to day. A task that may be a minor inconvenience one day could be a much bigger hurdle the next.
What is Where does fork theory come from and who uses it? Modern fork theory as we know it, was created by blogger Jen Rose in 2018. It was born out of the phrase: “Stick a fork in me; I’m done!” Initially finding popularity on Tumblr and Facebook, it has since been adopted by many in the neurodivergent and mental illness communities who feel more of a connection with fork theory rather than spoon theory. As spoon theory was originally created to help explain chronic illness, some people feel uncomfortable using it to explain their struggles with other conditions.
Stick a fork in me; I’m done! Cutlery-free alternatives to help explain your energy levels Cutlery-based analogies don’t cut it for everyone. Other theories that have grown in popularity include: • Mana theory – where you have an energy bar that depletes due to activities or actions, but that can replenish over time. • Spell slots – where you have a set number of things you can complete in a day, and each physical or emotional action takes away a slot.
• Carnival tickets and wristbands – one TikTok user, @hilaryknutson, explains energy levels as being like carnival tickets. Not all tickets can be used for all actions, like all-access wristbands at a funfair. So while you may have the ‘tickets’ (energy) to clean the kitchen, making dinner could seem like an impossible task. • Colour system – similar to scales that use colours to explain things like pollen levels or risks of severe weather, this system simply uses four colours to explain the type of day you’re having. Green would be a good day where things are going smoothly. Yellow may be getting things done, but at a slower pace. Orange is a warning that too much input could leave you needing to rest. While red is a bad day where little or nothing may get done.
Practising compassion and understanding Many of these theories may sound novel or funny. But for those with chronic pain or illness, those within the neurodivergent community, and many within mental illness communities, they can offer a simple, visual way of explaining complex issues. Preferring one theory, or not being keen on any of them is OK; we’re entitled to our preferences. But if using fork theory is able to help some people better articulate their experiences, it’s our responsibility to do our best to understand, offer support, and show kindness and compassion where we can.
Take a deep breath
Position yourself either lying down, or sitting comfortably.
• Hold your breath for the count of four. • Exhale through your mouth for the count of four. • Hold your breath for the count of four. Repeat this steady cycle as many times as you need to relax.
16 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
Hold... 1,2,3,4
• Inhale through your nose for the count of four.
In... 1,2,3,4
Out... 1,2,3,4
Hold... 1,2,3,4
If you’re feeling anxious, try this simple ‘box breathing’ exercise to induce calm, and help you to wind down before sleep
positive pointers
The scientific secrets of healthier habits If you’ve ever struggled to stick to a new habit, the answer isn’t just to ‘try harder’. Instead, knowing what happens to your body and brain when you adopt a new habit can help boost your chances of success…
M
ost of us have heard it takes 21 days to form a new habit, but did you know that statistic is a myth? It comes from research carried out in the 1960s that found it took an average of 21 days, or three weeks, for patients who lost a limb to start feeling ‘normal’. Over time, that idea has been stretched to cover adapting to any new situation, from taking up an exercise routine to learning a language. So, how long does it really take to form a new habit? And how can you keep at it, once the initial enthusiasm wears off? The key is understanding how our brains react to change, which – in turn – can help create positive changes in our lives.
How long does it take to create a new habit?
Unfortunately, there’s no simple answer. A 2009 study by
Writing | Rosalind Ryan
University College London found it took, on average, 66 days for a new habit to become automatic – but the timescales ranged from 18 to 254 days! So, should we stop worrying about how long it takes to form healthier habits? “In my experience, it depends on what the habit is and how long you do it,” says Joanne Mallon, a life and career coach who hosts the podcast ‘5 Minutes to Change Your Life’. “If you only do something once or twice a week, it will take much longer to become part of your lifestyle.” So, if you want to take up running, it’s better to do five minutes every day than an hour a week. Ignoring time limits can also help. Psychotherapist Rebecca Smith says: “If you’ve been doing something for 21 days and it still feels difficult, that can be really demotivating. It’s important to allow yourself a bit of flexibility to work out whether this is the right habit for you.”
This could take days, weeks, or months, but the first step is to understand what’s happening in your brain when you start a new habit.
Creating a new path to success
Imagine you’re standing in a field of long grass, a clear pathway running through the middle – our instinct is to follow that path. “That’s what our brains are doing, going down familiar neural pathways,” says chartered psychologist and author Kate Oliver. So, if you want to create a new habit, you need to create a new neural pathway. Kate says: “That first time, it will take effort, as you have to trample your way through the long grass. But the next time it will be easier, and the time after that. Over time, the grass grows back over the old path, and the new pathway will be kept clear.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 60 | 17
Eventually, your new habit becomes automatic and your brain doesn’t have to keep consciously choosing the new pathway. But because we’re all different, the time it takes to create new pathways will vary. There are a number of habit hacks that can make it easier though.
Reduce resistance
This doesn’t mean taking the word ‘no’ out of your vocabulary, but tweaking your environment. “If you want to start drinking more water, this could be something as simple as carrying a water bottle,” says psychotherapist Rebecca. “This takes away the obstacles in our environment – getting up, finding a glass – and minimises the steps we have to go through.” Another tip is to find the right time of day to practise. Rebecca says: “Our serotonin levels [the ‘feel-good’ chemical in the brain] naturally increase as the day goes on. This makes it easier to put habits like meditation or journaling later in the day, when we naturally feel calmer.” And if you write down when and where you’re going to practise your new habit, this can more than double your chances of sticking with it. A further useful trick is ‘habit stacking’. This is the concept of pairing the new habit you want to start with another action you already do each day. For example, you could meditate for one minute as you wait for the kettle to boil. 18 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
The energy you need to start a reaction is greater than the energy you need to keep going, like launching a rocket Life coach Joanne says you could also re-establish old neural pathways. “Think about something that’s already worked in the past. If you enjoyed it before, chances are you will again,” she says. When you go back to this, your brain clears the grass from the old pathway so it’s easier to keep going.
Willpower vs WOOP
Another great habit myth is that willpower is all you need to succeed. But we now know our willpower declines during the day – like a muscle, the more you exercise it, the more tired it becomes. For example, if you’ve been resisting sugary foods all day, by the time you get home your willpower is exhausted, and you often reach for the biscuits. However, being aware of declining willpower levels and other potential problems can prevent you from falling back into old behaviours. Psychology expert Professor Gabriele Oettingen says that instead of being blindly optimistic, we need to imagine the obstacles that might get in our way. She calls
this finding your WOOP: Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan. The idea is that being aware of any possible hurdles, and planning how to deal with them when they crop up, means we’re much more likely to stick with our healthy new habit. “Rather than adopting an ‘all or nothing’ mindset, it’s about building in the relapse as part of the whole process,” says psychologist Kate. Your motivation or energy levels are also key. “The energy you need to start a reaction is greater than the energy you need to keep going, like launching a rocket,” Kate says. “But the bigger the goal you set, the more energy or motivation you need, which can put you off.” Luckily, evidence suggests that starting small, taking the first steps towards your goal, is more effective. If you want to start meditating, tell yourself you’ll do it for two days. Once you’ve done that, your brain is rewarded with positive feelings of achievement and you’re more likely to do it for another two days, and another. “This builds the confidence and motivation you need to keep
going,” adds psychotherapist Rebecca. “These small steps, or micro-habits, then become the building blocks of a healthier lifestyle.”
When new habits won’t stick
Despite following the right advice, sometimes we can’t keep up a new habit – and the reasons may go deeper than simply forgetting to refill a water bottle. Joanne says, “Is it something you really want to do, or something you feel you should do? A new habit should give you a sense of satisfaction rather than making you feel guilty.” Try taking a step back and asking yourself ‘Why do I want to do this?’, ‘Why does it matter to me?’ and ‘Does this help me reach my goal?’ Adopting habits you actually enjoy will make them easier to keep up, so spend time working out what your real goal is, and then find enjoyable ways to achieve it. Kate says: “Rather than habits, think of them like practises – they should be things you want to keep practising. A new habit will become a lifetime practice, not a once-in-a-lifetime thing.” happiful.com | Issue 60 | 19
How to find the right counsellor for you You’ve made the decision to reach out for help, but what comes next? Writing | Victoria Jeffries
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illustrating | Rosan Magar
inding the right counsellor can be a challenging and somewhat daunting process. Therapy is a journey that takes courage, and which can involve disclosing very personal, and sometimes painful, experiences. In order for this to be done safely, and work well for you, it is vital that you are on this journey with the right person, as it’s a collaborative endeavour, with the relationship between client and counsellor being highly important.
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While searching for the right one can feel like a minefield, there are some things you can be sure of when deciding if the counsellor you have chosen (or are considering) is for you. Here we’re outlining five ways the right counsellor should make you feel.
1. Free to ask questions The right counsellor should enable you to feel comfortable enough to ask any questions you have, whether this be about their training, membership bodies
they belong to, or how they work as a practitioner in general. This could be at any point in your therapeutic journey – it may be at the beginning of your search, or in the midst of your sessions. You are perfectly within your right to ask questions, and a good therapist should enable you to feel free enough to do so.
2. Safe It is vital that you feel safe with your counsellor. Starting therapy takes a great deal of bravery – you
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Your therapist should provide a safe enough space for you to feel as though you can disclose your feelings are speaking with a complete stranger at the end of the day! Your counsellor should provide a safe enough space for you to feel as though you can disclose your feelings and experiences with the knowledge that everything you disclose is confidential, and you’re not being judged. In a practical sense, your counsellor should meet you in a quiet, private place. If you are meeting on Zoom or via telephone, your counsellor should be alone, with no other person in earshot.
3. Respected Your chosen counsellor should enable you to feel respected at all times. This may be in terms of what you are willing to share during the sessions – for example, there may be things you have experienced that you are not ready to disclose, and this is completely fine. A good counsellor should respect your discomfort, and should never leave you feeling under pressure to disclose more than what you are ready to. They should also be respectful of your time – while
life happens, and a counsellor may be running late for a session, or may be unwell and need to cancel, this should be clearly communicated to you.
4. Listened to Throughout therapy, it is important that you feel heard, and your feelings validated. It may be that, at times, your counsellor does not understand a point you are trying to make, or they may misunderstand you. This is to be expected; counsellors are still human at the end of the day! However, in this instance the counsellor should be open to exploring this with you, so they can gain a greater understanding of the meaning or thoughts that you were trying to convey. They may ask you for clarification about something you have said, and check-in with you that they have understood you correctly. A good counsellor should never leave you feeling as though you were not listened to, or what you shared with them was invalidated.
5. Equal You are equal to any counsellor you choose. An ethical counsellor does not paint themselves as the expert with all the answers to your problems. They may have a PhD or a master’s degree. They may have undergone specialist training in a certain field, for example, attachment issues or bereavement, which may result in you gaining new-found knowledge and insight into your feelings and behaviour. However, the right therapist is able to meet you on level ground. You should always feel as though you are equals. You are the expert of your own life!
Victoria Jeffries is an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor, working in both the public sector and private practice. To get in touch, or to find out more about counselling, visit counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 60 | 21
A fresh start
New beginnings aren’t always easy, but spring is the perfect time to welcome positive change in your life. Here, columnist Grace Victory explores how we can embrace starting anew, and enter a transformative time with the right mindset
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or years now, I’ve always felt that the emphasis on ‘new year new me’ vibes in January is just counterproductive. More often than not, it’s cold, we’re broke, and we’re on a serious come down from the festive period. It just doesn’t make sense to my soul to try to have all this energy and vitality, when technically we should be in hibernation mode until spring. Like nature, when winter arrives we want to sleep more, nest more, and spend time inside in the warm. Our homes become cosier and more inviting, and we often choose a mug of hot cocoa on the sofa over going out for cocktails with the girls. For me, the start of the year is about rest, resetting, and doing as many restorative things as I possibly can (which can be very hard with my oneyear-old, but I try nonetheless). I also love to declutter and reorganise ahead of spring,
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because, in my eyes, that’s when the New Year really begins. The Spring Equinox comes at a time where our days are filled with more light, flowers are beginning to bloom, and you can taste summer just around the corner. Cadbury Mini Eggs are readily available (yum!), you can ditch your winter coat and instead wear your favourite cardi, your toddler still wakes you up at 6am but at least the sun is shining, and the thought of a fresh start becomes less overwhelming and more exciting. There is just something in the air around springtime that makes me feel like “Hey... I’m ready! Let’s take on life, let’s manifest our dreams, let’s level up, let’s boss this... I can do this.” But let’s be honest, beginning again can feel daunting. Whether it’s a calendar date, moving out, or the end of a relationship, this sense of change can quickly turn into an anxiety-inducing task that
you ultimately don’t feel ready for, but you know in your heart you must do. When I can feel a change on the horizon, or that little niggle in the pit of my stomach that I need to start over, I tend to just hit pause so I can re-evaluate and make adjustments accordingly. My head feels too full a lot of the time, and I end up getting tired – but the type of tired that sleep can’t fix. That cry over spilt milk, no motivation, I hate the world kind of tired – if you know, you know. I then become bored, frustrated, and fixate on everything I need to do, so much so that I end up doing none of it. For me to be rested enough to feel inspired, I use the months before spring to take it slow, think about the things I want to bring into my life, and the things I need to let go of in order for that to happen. Believe it or not, the humanity in us would like to reflect nature, but the capitalist world has made
@GRACEFVICTORY
Photography | Krystal Neuvill
Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, we can dust off the cobwebs and be open to opportunities of growth and alignment
us think otherwise. We should be changing with the tides, evolving through the cycles, and honouring ourselves throughout each season. If we choose to go slow throughout winter, we will have the vim to start fresh come springtime. This approach can be used throughout our lives in
other ways, too. For example, after a breakup, it’s always healthier and more beneficial to grieve that relationship, reassess where you’re at now, and become reacquainted with the ‘single’ you, rather than jump on Tinder the minute your partner has moved out. There is something
beautiful about the messy inbetween stage before you put real change into action. New beginnings are the chance to renew and rebirth. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, we can dust off the cobwebs and be open to opportunities of growth and alignment. It’s an exciting time of hope, vibrancy, and youthful spirit. It’s letting go of what’s been, and walking towards what could be – and how refreshing is that? It’s truly the epitome of ‘better days are coming’ and I don’t know about you, but that is something I really look forward to. Beginning again may not always be easy, but my goodness is it worth it. Remember, you can begin again on any day, at any time, and in any moment, and it is courageous and brave to do so.
Love Grace x happiful.com | Issue 60 | 23
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door
MILTON BERLE Photography | Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona
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5 creative coping skills for children
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
With stress and anxiety levels reaching an all-time high among kids, learning healthy coping strategies can help them to feel more ready and able to face life’s challenges Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
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ife is full of unexpected moments – whether that be a positive surprise, or an unforeseen challenge – so it’s never too early to start learning healthy coping skills to help us navigate these times. By encouraging children to get familiar with creative strategies to help them deal with overwhelm, stress, or expressing themselves, we can help create an environment that allows them to thrive, and feel better prepared for whatever comes their way. Here are five simple yet creative coping skills to support kids:
1. Take a deep breath Breathing exercises can help relax us in mind and body. ‘Bubble breathing’ (where they breathe deeply through their nose, then slowly through their mouth – as if trying to blow a
bubble wand) can be a great way to help children feel more grounded and calm.
2. Be creative Having an artistic outlet can offer kids a simple way of expressing themselves and their emotions when words might fail them. Colouring, painting, collaging, or journaling can all offer different ways of helping your child to share their thoughts and feelings.
3. Get labelling Putting a name to how they are feeling can help to reduce the discomfort or uncertainty around big emotions. Helping them develop the words to describe their emotions is the first step towards being able to manage and express them in healthy ways.
4. Practise positive self-talk Affirmations aren’t just for adults. The more we practise negative self-talk, the more likely we are to think badly about ourselves. Teach your child to talk about, and to, themselves as though they were speaking with a friend or loved one, as this can support developing more positive self-talk – and remember to lead by example.
5. Create a calm-down kit Take a small bag and fill it with items that engage their senses. This could be a picture that makes them happy, perhaps a fidget toy – ask your child what they want to include. This way, they know they can reach straight for their calm-down kit whenever they feel overwhelmed, and it is an activity that helps them to become more aware of those feelings and recognising them, too. happiful.com | Issue 60 | 25
Own your life starting now! Jessica Jones is the relatable voice we all need to hear right now. She’s an award-winning blogger, mental health activist, author, and mum of four, who’s on a mission to help us all own our lives, fully and unapologetically Writing | Lucy Donoughue
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efore I launch the Zoom call to connect with Jess Jones, I have a moment. There are two big splodges of paint behind me – testers that never progressed to a fully painted wall. I briefly consider moving to another room for our chat, and then stop myself. I’m about to talk to the woman who’s published a brilliant and relatable book about confidence, accepting who you are, and living an authentic life. She’s hardly going to care about the state of my online background while we talk – and neither should I! Two minutes into the interview and we’re both in hysterics. Jess is wearing a fetching, snug pair of blue and pink headphones (she had to use her daughter’s after misplacing her own), and I’ve confessed that the hold up on decorating is down to an injury caused by a misguided decision to take up roller skating, after watching a stranger make it look easy on Instagram.
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It’s so refreshing to laugh and share in this way as two adults. Putting people at ease, and being relatable, I believe, are just a couple of Jess’s many strengths. Another is talking about body acceptance in a way that feels within reach and realistic. It’s for these reasons that her new book Own It: How to Build Confidence, Completely Love Yourself and Embrace your Body, is already going down a storm. Here, Jess kindly shares four of her tried and tested steps for playing the starring role in your own life, which begin with being completely and utterly yourself.
Start owning it by…* Doing ‘you’
I spent almost all of my life trying to be someone else. Someone smaller, someone quieter, someone more sassy, someone prettier. The list of the things that I tried to change is endless. But I now realise that every
time I criticised myself, every time I wished I was something different, I was taking advantage of the privilege of time. Time isn’t guaranteed, we have no control over it, yet the one thing we do have control over is how we feel about ourselves and treat ourselves – which, ironically, would change how we choose to spend our time. When we look back over our lives one day, if we have the privilege to be able to reflect in our final moments, will all of the little things that we worry about really matter? The numbers on the itchy little labels stitched into our clothes? Our untameable hair? The amount of cellulite that beautifully ripples across our bodies? The scars and stretch marks that evidence the journey our bodies have been on? The people who never texted us back? The opinions of others – some of whom we don’t speak to, like, or even know! Will any of those things matter? If not, then why not try to stop
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Portraits | Emma Croman @emmacroman
Our gift is that we are each the unique person that we are – in heart and mind ,as well as in body
them from limiting our lives now by learning to accept and embrace them as just part of the fabric of life – so that we can start being more unapologetically ourselves. None of us are perfect, and that’s OK. Our gift is that we are each the unique person that we are – in heart and mind, as well as in body – so let’s savour and celebrate that!
Asking, will it matter down the line?
When I’m complaining or offloading about something, my therapist often asks me: “Will it matter five minutes from now?” If I answer yes, she asks: “Five months from now?” This one is a little trickier as, for me, many
worries, thoughts, and feelings can sometimes linger for a fair few months. So if I say yes to this one, she then asks: “What about five years from now?” And I can honestly say that there has been almost nothing going on for me at any stage that I could say would categorically matter five years down the line. >>> happiful.com | Issue 60 | 27
Listen to Jess on Happiful’s podcast, ‘I am. I have’.
If you can get into the habit of asking yourself these questions when you’re stuck in a rut about something, or when your confidence is wavering, or you’re feeling unsure about what action to take, your answers can often create the space for you to make a decision with a lot of the fear removed about ‘if this’ or ‘if that’ happened. If you’re anything like me, a lot of the decisions that you’re unsure about are a result of fear. It’s crucial that we learn to walk right into the face of fear at times, because some of our greatest moments are likely to be waiting to happen just on the other side of it – achievements waiting to be claimed, and a freer, happier life waiting to be lived. 28 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
I’ve learned to use this process for so many things in my life – from making a decision about what dress I want to wear, to how I respond to a negative comment. And I love it, as it’s a surefire way of helping me to get out of my own way in order to just ‘go for it’ with things, instead of wasting my time away worrying and missing out on all sorts of opportunities. I once heard the saying: “We miss 100% of the opportunities we don’t take.” So why not seize as many of them as desired – who knows which ones might end up changing our lives for the better?
Being accountable
I used to really struggle with accountability. As I mention in
You will never know the true potential that you have if you continue to live in the confined space created by the limited opinions of others (and/or yourself) my book, I’ve lived so much of my life in my own victimhood, blaming everyone and everything else for the feelings that I held about myself, that I was ultimately using it as an excuse to stay stuck in a negative space. The harsh truth is that so much of us feeling stuck, and not managing to change anything in our lives, is because of nothing or nobody but ourselves… Ouch! Learning to be accountable – not only for the way I was
Portraits | Kelly Reeves @kellyreevesphotography
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treating myself and the changes that I wanted to make in order to feel better in myself – but also for the impact that I had on other people’s lives, was a real game changer for me. This isn’t to underestimate the effect that other people can have on us and how we feel at times, of course. But it’s about us taking the power back, being in control of where we want to go from here, and confidently claiming responsibility for taking the necessary steps to change our lives for the better.
Taking the first step
When I was looking for hope and motivation for my own journey of change, I came across a lot of incredible people who had transformed their lives. But I often felt that their stories didn’t relate to mine, and that what they had achieved wasn’t obtainable for me. I felt like I was just ‘too average’ and in too deep with my
negative thoughts to be able to make real change. I worried about anything and everything. I allowed myself to be consumed with the idea that those who had made progress were so far ahead of me that it wasn’t worth me even trying. I convinced myself that there was just no point, because happiness and confidence were never going to be for me. As a result, for a long time I stopped myself from just taking the first step, which is ultimately all that any of us need to do to get the ball rolling… We can continue to make excuses, and we can continue to allow ourselves to be held back by our self-imposed limitations, or we can take advantage of the gift of time and we can crack the hell on. You will never know the true potential that you have, and just how much you are capable of, if you continue to live in the confined space created by the
limited opinions of others (and/ or yourself). And you will never truly ‘own’ your life if you aren’t willing to just take the first step on the path.
And finally, you’ve got this!
The truth is that it’s our fear to truly ‘own’ ourselves that limits our lives. Every day that we wake up, we get another opportunity to do whatever we want, to be whoever we want, and to own every little part of who we are. So let this new way of being start now.
*Extracted from ‘Own It: How to Build Confidence, Completely Love Yourself and Embrace your Body’, by Jessica Jones (Wellbeck, £12.99). happiful.com | Issue 60 | 29
Ask the experts
How can I fall asleep naturally? Yoga and Reiki teacher Sarah Wheeler explains how complementary therapies can support sleep Read more about Sarah Wheeler on therapy-directory.org.uk
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We know how vital sleep is, yet some of us struggle. Can you share some examples of holistic therapies that aid sleep?
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Firstly, the more we beat ourselves up for not getting sleep, the deeper these neural patterns that we cannot sleep become. If we can loosen our grip on judging ourselves (although, of course, not being able to sleep is deeply frustrating), we have a greater chance of dropping into rest. Therapies that can aid sleep are Reiki, mindful/ therapeutic yoga, yoga nidrā, flotation therapy, and somatic experiencing. These therapies can all improve vagal tone, and nurture the rest and digest response, bringing us out of the fight or flight response, which is often ‘on’ due to psychosocial stress and/or trauma.
Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
food & health
Q
For those who haven’t heard of yoga nidrā before, can you explain what it is and how it supports rest?
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Yoga nidrā has a few meanings, which all tie into its association with sleep. Yoganidrā is the name of the Goddess in a text called the Devimahatmaya, who is called upon to awaken Lord Vishnu from his sleep so he can fight two demons. The Sanskrit compound yoganidrā most easily understood is ‘the sleep of yoga’. In a modern context, yoga nidrā is commonly understood
Q
Are there any evening rituals/routines you recommend for those struggling with sleep?
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There are lots of lovely things we can do to support sleep, but it’s helpful not to try to do too many things, as this can counteract the nourishing energy of sleep and diminish it to just another thing on the to-do list! I absolutely recommend dry brushing the skin and selfmassage, especially the feet, with sesame massage oil (if you
as a technique originally from the Laya Yoga lineage (the yoga of dissolving) where the participant is guided through a type of meditation to rest the body and mind, while consciousness remains awake and aware. The aim of yoga nidrā is not to fall fully asleep, but it is very normal for this to happen when you start. Over time and with practice, the resting state is as beneficial to the body as getting a full night of sleep. The rest response nurtured by yoga nidrā encourages greater holistic health including digestive, endocrine, and immune system function.
are tolerant, otherwise use a different oil). This is called Abhyanga practice. Follow your massage with a 30-minute yoga nidrā rest (I have some recordings on my website youreenoughyoga.com, plus there are many on Youtube). Having a Reiki treatment in the evening or late afternoon can help to promote the relaxation response from the nervous system, which is key to sleep. Plus, try to avoid caffeine after 11am and no phone screens after 7pm – I know that is easier said than done.
Sarah’s top three tips for getting more sleep, naturally: 1. Signal to your nervous system early in the evening that the time for rest is approaching: try some somatic movement, gentle breathwork (inhale through the nose for six and exhale through your nose for six), yin yoga, Reiki, or yoga nidrā. 2. Try mindfulness meditation for just a few minutes each day to help your mind be with its present moment experience. Meditation generates feelings of equanimity or OK-ness, even though life may present us with challenging situations. 3. Set up your nest for sleep: mobile phone on airplane mode or off; turn off electrical items in the bedroom; perhaps a couple of drops of lavender oil on your bed linen.
happiful.com | Issue 60 | 31
Step 1
The violence at home sign for help This simple and discreet hand gesture warns others that you’re in danger
This signal was created by the Women’s Funding Network and the Canadian Women’s Foundation early on in the Covid-19 pandemic, in response to the rising global rates of domestic violence. It is a means for those trapped at home to silently flag that they need help – whether on a video call, or even just answering the door.
Step 2
If you are in an abusive situation and need help, and are able to safely make a phone call, you can contact: • Refuge’s freephone national domestic abuse helpline: 0808 2000 247 • ManKind: 0182 3334 244 Women’s Aid also has useful information relating to making a safety plan if you decide to leave (womensaid.org.uk).
Are you an overfunctioner?
Striving to be everything, and do everything, for those around us can stem from a well-intentioned place, but often leads to burnout. Here we’re exploring what it really looks like to be an overfunctioner, and the impact this can have on your life Writing | Amy Metson
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ecently I’ve noticed many of my clients are feeling tired. Call it ‘pandemic fatigue’ or ‘change fatigue’, but whatever it is, many people are feeling exhausted, myself included! Yet, often we don’t give ourselves permission to slow down or stop. Instead, we beat ourselves up for our less than optimum energy and performance, and keep pushing harder and harder, telling ourselves we’ll stop when we reach whatever milestone feels socially acceptable. This is particularly noticeable for those of us who have a tendency to people-please and over give. We are often the go-to person for any problems or issues people have, and we don’t feel like we can (or even want to) say no or let them down. In truth we secretly love to be needed, and helping others gives us the validation we crave. We can’t bear to see people struggling, so we jump in to offer advice, and try to rescue them from whatever mess they are in. Whether we choose to admit it to ourselves or not, we feel
responsible for other people’s happiness and wellbeing, and this sense of responsibility causes us to suppress our own feelings and needs in order to overfunction in our relationships with others. So, in this article, I want to raise awareness of overfunctioning behaviour, because we may not even realise we are doing it until we reach a point of exhaustion, burnout, and eventually collapse under the strain.
Understanding overfunctioning When we overfunction, we take responsibility for situations and problems that aren’t ours. It can feel like it’s coming from a place of protecting and helping others, but in reality, it’s just as much about managing our own anxieties. We find it difficult to sit with uncomfortable emotions and watch others strive and struggle, so overfunctioning is our way of trying to control (the uncontrollable), and tidy up the mess so that we can feel OK again. And it makes total sense in the moment. However, long-
term, if we always jump in to fix things, it can enable others to underfunction, create dependency, and lead us to buckle under the overwhelming weight of responsibility for everyone and everything. This pattern of behaviour becomes ingrained into our way of being, and is an instinctive response that plays out without us even realising it. According to author Harriet Learner, in her book The Dance of Intimacy, overfunctioning often starts in childhood if a caregiver was physically or emotionally unable to show up as a parent, leading to the child taking on the role of fixer, mediator, etc. It is also quite common in firstborn or only children. Maybe as a child, your home was chaotic or your caregivers were stressed, or struggled to get stuff done, and you stepped in or became the ‘perfect’ child to please, avoid being criticised or singled out? Ultimately, the reason you overfunction will be unique to you; however, the behaviours we learned in order to feel OK will probably be similar. >>>
Traits of overfunctioners include: • Being the knower – having to be right, and always knowing what is best for others. • Jumping into other people’s problems with advice, solutions, offers to help, or to take over and fix the problem for them. • Finding it hard to witness and allow others to struggle with their own problems. • Overly focusing on others to avoid addressing our own issues. • Struggling to show vulnerability, ask for help, and share our own problems, especially with others we perceive as struggling. • Others may see us as the strong ones who always know what to do and can cope with everything life throws at them, yet secretly we feel like we are paddling like mad just to stay afloat! • Feeling like we have the weight of the world on our shoulders, and like we’re the only person that can get things done. • Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed from trying to juggle everything. • Feeling underappreciated, taken for granted, and resentful towards those around us. 34 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
Why change? All of us overfunction at times, and this isn’t necessarily problematic; however, the key is to recognise when we are getting too embroiled in other people’s stuff, and make the shift so that we don’t get stuck and become overly focused on them and their issues. Often overfunctioning has made us adept at appearing OK, and this can result in our needs and problems being overlooked by others, and even by ourselves. Remember people aren’t mind readers, they won’t just know! When our identity is linked to being ‘the strong one’ who always knows what to do, and gets the job done, we often struggle to be vulnerable, and have a tendency to stuff down and dissociate with our own needs and feelings to protect this identity. Unfortunately, it’s often not until we reach a breaking point that we will slow down and force attention back to our own needs. Being generous and helpful is lovely, but if you are doing it at the expense of your own physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing, you will end up feeling resentment for the people you are ‘helping’. Resentment is toxic for relationships, and it happens when we repeatedly put others’ wants, needs, and feelings before our own. So it’s our responsibility to learn how to lean back, set healthy boundaries, and stay on our own page, not just for our own wellbeing, but for our relationships and the people we love, too.
Often overfunctioning has made us adept at appearing OK, and this can result in our needs and problems being overlooked by others, and even by ourselves The impact of overfunctioning: A personal story The big black wave engulfs my whole body. It contracts, bracing itself for the whispers of judgement and looks of pity. I want to run and hide, but the heaviness drags me down. My cheeks are hot, my shoulders rounded, my head hung, a tear slips slowly down my cheek to my mouth, the salty wetness settling on my lips. It feels allencompassing. So many thoughts dancing around my mind, I’m not sure what to say or do next. What will people think? What will my husband say? He doesn’t need a broken wife on top of everything else we have going on. What about my team? The silence seems to go on forever. I can hear the clock tick, tock, tick, tocking away. The crisp fresh air hits the dampness of tears involuntarily leaking from my eyes. In the safety of my car, I finally let my emotions wash over me like a torrential downpour of rain from the sky. “The HR lady from work has told me I have to see you,” I
say to my doctor like a petulant teenager. She is so warm and nurturing, sensing the reinforced wall I have built around myself as protection. Slowly she teases out the details of the myriad of things that have led me to be sitting here. “You’re burnt out,” she says, “And I’m not surprised given everything you’ve got going on.” My mask slips from my hands and shatters like a mirror all over the floor. I have no idea how I’m going to unpick this mess, but one thing is for sure, I can’t continue like this... I wrote this for a creative writing class I did last year. The facilitator asked me what one thing I would love others to learn from my experience, and I said: “The importance of becoming responsibly selfish, so they don’t have to learn the hard way.” And this is why I do this work. This is the reason I show up to share with you what I have learned on my own journey of becoming responsibly selfish. If this article resonates with you I’d love to hear from you – so feel free to reach out to me.
Amy Metson is a transformational life and career coach, specialising in boundaries and balance. Get in touch with Amy and find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk
5 simple steps to reduce food waste We all want to do our bit for the planet, and with the rising cost of living, being cautious about our household food waste is one of the best ways to address both issues
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n the UK, nearly seven million tonnes of food and drink are thrown away each year – costing £12.5 billion – while global food waste is at an eye-watering 900 million tonnes. Here, we’re exploring simple habits we can embrace today, in order to reduce our kitchen waste.
Writing | Rebecca Thair
Plan your meals By deciding ahead of time what you’ll be making for dinner that week, you can draw up a more accurate shopping list that limits your basket to only the ingredients you need. You can then factor in the dishes that tend to make extra portions, so you can plan these into your lunches as well. Having already made this daily decision about what to eat saves you time and energy each day, ensures you’re getting a proper, nutritious meal, and can be especially helpful if you’re having a long week.
Store food correctly One of the simplest ways to reduce waste is to ensure you’re keeping food items at their optimum temperature and in the best conditions to prolong their quality. Check that your fridge temperature is set between 1–5°C, and items that should be at room temperature are kept in your cupboard (such as bread, onions, garlic). You can also preserve certain foods for longer by keeping those that release ethylene gas (which encourages ripening) apart, for example keep bananas, tomatoes, avocados, and pears away from apples, potatoes, berries, and peppers.
Get into composting Even if you’ve planned your meals, and saved all the leftovers you can, there will still be times when you have scraps, peels, or uneaten items, and this is where composting comes in. This is a means of turning organic food items into fertiliser for plants, and you could collect this in garden compost bins which would typically hold a lot more material, or perhaps get a countertop kitchen caddy, which allows you to compost even without the outdoor space. 36 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
try this at home
Save it for soup A great option to reduce kitchen waste is to go through your fridge and cupboards to create a hearty soup or broth from items you have to hand. The essential steps are simple to follow, and the ingredients can be adapted depending on what you have available – for more specific recipes, have a look online as there are a wealth of ideas out there!
Freeze your leftovers Believe me, I know the temptation to just put that extra portion of pasta in the fridge thinking you’ll eat it tomorrow, but then you fancy something else, and it sits there until you throw it away. Unless you’ve planned the leftovers into your weekly schedule, the better option is to put these in your freezer. Leftovers will keep much longer this way, and be ready for a day when you just need something quick and tasty.
Repurpose your breadcrumbs Most of us will have some kind of bread item as a staple in the kitchen, but how often do we not get through the whole loaf before it starts getting stale? Rather than just throwing it away, there are several ways to make the most of this bake. You could use the breadcrumbs to make stuffing to accompany a dish, or use them to prepare some homemade breaded chicken or mushrooms. You could even whip up a tasty bread and butter pudding for dessert as a treat. Or, if you’re up for a nostalgic activity, why not head down to your local pond and use a little of the bread to feed the ducks? A quack-ing idea.
1. In a pan, add chicken or vegetable stock, or miso paste for a broth. 2. Take your leftover vegetables and chop them finely. This could include sweet potatoes, carrots, mushrooms, onions, or any vegetables you have (some will pair better than others so consider your favourite flavours and textures). 3. Cook this all together for 10 minutes. 4. If you’d like a little more texture in your soup, you could add some ready-made noodles, or keep some of the vegetables in bigger chunks when chopping. 5. Add any seasonings you like, and when happy with the flavour, enjoy! happiful.com | Issue 60 | 37
5 steps towards reducing mental health self-stigma Follow these steps to break free from limiting ideas about life with mental illness Writing | Rosie Cappuccino
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hen thinking about the stigma associated with mental health problems, your first thoughts are likely to be negative public perceptions, inaccurate stereotyping in the media, or disparaging attitudes at work. However, there is another kind of stigma that is equally painful, but less talked about: self-stigma. Self-stigma happens when public prejudice and stigmatising discourses are internalised by an individual. In other words, self-stigma is when a person with mental health problems encounters stigma, and then believes this to be true for themselves and their own life. In these situations, self-stigma can lead to behaviours such as isolation from loved ones, turning down opportunities, or relinquishing goals. In a world where negative attitudes towards mental health problems still circulate, it’s easy to understand why we might internalise some aspects of stigma. So, let’s take a look now at how to identify and, crucially, reduce it.
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1. Recognise self-stigma
The first step to reducing selfstigma is to notice it, and put a name to it. To do this, gently observe your thoughts about different areas of your life – such as relationships, family, work, and leisure – by using mindfulness techniques. Notice whether you experience any thoughts of being unworthy, shameful, incapable, weak, or unlikable in relation to having mental health problems. Examples might be, ‘I can’t have a relationship because my schizophrenia makes me unlovable,’ or ‘I have depression so nobody will want to hang out with me.’ Label such beliefs as self-stigma, and tell yourself that these thoughts require further investigation into their validity before fully accepting them as truth. Just because you think something, even if you have clung to a belief for years, doesn’t mean it’s accurate.
2. Gain knowledge from well-researched sources
Take time to really learn about mental health problems or
conditions from carefullyresearched, sensitively-written sources. It’s vital to be discerning when selecting books, videos, articles, or podcasts – as not all will be high quality or have an empathetic standpoint. Useful questions to ask can include: • Who authored this content? • What is their point of view and intention? • How well-researched is it? If something you’re reading or watching makes moral or character judgements about people with mental health problems, puts limits on their potential, or makes you feel inept, unlovable, or hopeless, these are red flags. Unfollow social media accounts that share or reinforce stigmatising messages, so you are not bombarded with hurtful messages as you scroll.
3. Grow an empowering support network
Self-stigma may exacerbate social isolation as a result of thoughts about being undeserving of friendships, being too
wellbeing
silence feels claustrophobic, then self-expression can offer a release. There are limitless outlets, such as blogging, painting, poetry, or photography. And what you express – how much and to whom – is up to you. Choose the audience that feels right for you, whether that’s online or offline, or just for yourself.
5. Work on building selfconfidence and self-esteem
incompetent to engage with a local community, or too difficult to love. Therapist Kimberly Tomlinson explains that selfstigma is “painful because the fear or assumption of pending rejection causes the person to reject and remove themselves”. However, developing connections with empathetic people who want to raise you up instead of knock you down can be both liberating and healing. Furthermore, research published in the Psychiatric Rehabilitation
Journal shows that a feeling of belonging creates a ‘buffer’ for self-stigma. Peer support can be a rich avenue to explore too, as connecting with others with similar experiences may provide comfort, validation, or give ideas for new ways of being.
Long-term, self-stigma chips away at self-confidence and diminishes self-esteem. As Kimberly Tomlinson describes: “Being different equals feeling lesser than, and the person assimilates what they are told they are instead of being who they are.” When self-confidence takes a dive, start with small tasks, initially just one step out of your comfort zone, and build up. Take time to reflect on your thoughts before a challenge (‘I felt like I couldn’t do it’) and after (‘I managed it!’). Keep a journal of personal qualities, small successes, and positive feedback to re-read, and see if affirmations of self-worth (‘I deserve care, I deserve joy’) could strengthen a positive sense of self.
4. Express yourself in ways that feel comfortable
A person experiencing self-stigma may believe that their experiences are not worth talking about, or are too shameful to discuss. If
Kimberley Tomlinson is a psychotherapists who specialises in person-centred therapy. To find out more visit counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 60 | 39
Discover the joy of hiking Walking in nature is great for your mental and physical health. So, get your boots on and step up, because here’s our beginner’s guide Writing | Caroline Butterwick
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hether strolling up a local hill or attempting the Three Peaks Challenge, hiking is an activity with a range of benefits. According to mental health charity Mind, spending time exercising outdoors in nature can benefit our mental health by improving our mood and reducing feelings of stress. And it’s good for our physical health, too: brisk walking counts towards the NHS’s
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Illustrating | Rosan Magar
recommended 150 minutes of exercise a week. We’re lucky in the UK to have great places to experience, with national parks across the country, and a range of terrain to explore. Here, we look at the joy of hiking and how you can get involved.
Get into hiking My love of hiking started by walking hills and mountains – known as ‘fells’ – in the Lake District in northern England. There’s an immense sense of achievement at reaching a summit after hours of walking,
and a sense of wonder as you take in the views. “Hiking can be a really beautiful sensory experience that can awaken you,” says counsellor Karen Schumann. “As you gain more strength and confidence in hiking, this can really help you to feel more capable, more independent, and ready to take on whatever the world throws at you.” Our physical health can also benefit. “Hiking can really help with your aerobic fitness and endurance,” explains Karen. “It can also improve markers associated with cardiovascular health – like blood pressure, blood sugar levels and cholesterol.” It can help improve our balance and build muscle, too. The idea of hiking for our wellbeing is growing in popularity. Mountains for the Mind is a campaign, launched by Trail magazine, to promote the benefits of being outside for better mental health. “The idea started when we realised that for many of our readers, walking in the mountains was not just a hobby, it was having a
profound effect on their lives and their mental health,” explains Jenna Maryniak, on behalf of Mountains for the Mind. The campaign provides guidance and encouragement for those wanting to give hiking a try – from a friendly Facebook group to speaking with likeminded people, to fundraising challenges to raise money for its partner, the charity Mind. It works with the organisation Blackdog Outdoors to offer free guided hill walks to promote the benefits of spending time outdoors for better mental health. These walks take place across the country and are a great way to try hiking for those who are unsure about giving it a go. “There is something about being outdoors in nature that provides a unique perspective. Standing on top of a mountain, you are a tiny speck on the landscape,” explains Jenna. “The beauty, the vastness, the savagery of the rock and the weather, somehow makes all your worries seem smaller and much more manageable. It’s also the sense of achievement too, climbing a hill or mountain is not
easy – and to make it to the top is a feeling of exhilaration and achievement like no other, and helps boost a sense of wellbeing and self-esteem.” Whether it’s a woodland walk or a mountain trek, there are many beautiful places to go hiking, where experiencing nature can support our wellbeing. “Spending time in nature can really make you stand still and take stock of your surroundings, bringing the mind to the present moment and leaving everything else behind,” says counsellor Karen. “It can be very grounding to feel connected to nature when perhaps you’re feeling disconnected from everything else.”
Finding inspiration in the outdoors I always find going for a hike kindles my creativity – nothing takes away my writer’s block >>>
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better than a mountain. Writers and artists have been inspired by walks in nature for centuries. One of the most famous is the Romantic poet William Wordsworth, whose work drew on the Lake District landscape he regularly wandered – I love reading his poetry as a way to escape into nature. And published this year, the nature memoir I Belong Here sees author Anita Sethi journey through the Pennines, exploring her sense of belonging and connection to the UK landscape after being a victim of racism. If you enjoy writing, try taking a notebook and pen with you on a hike. When you stop for a breather, jot down any thoughts that come to you – perhaps the taste of the air, the landscape you see unfurling before you, or how you feel. Photography is of
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course another way of capturing our walks. Or how about bringing a sketchbook and finding a spot to do some drawing? This can all add to the enjoyment of hiking, and help you take a mindful approach to your experience.
Planning your hike Researching hiking routes can be enjoyable, and thankfully there’s lots of inspiration out there. Guidebooks are a good starting point and can be lovely to browse through. There are also lots of walking guides available online: try Googling the place you want to walk and the words ‘hikes’ or ‘walking routes’. I love walklakes.co.uk for looking up Lake District hiking trails. Many route guides include useful details, including the estimated length of time, distance, and difficulty of the walk.
The Ramblers website is another great resource for finding walks. You can search using your postcode and it’ll bring up routes nearby. They also have organised walks across the country that you can join, which are perfect if you’d like to build your confidence with hiking, as well as meet new people. Find out more at ramblers.org.uk Miles Without Stiles are routes suitable for wheelchair users and others with reduced mobility. Many national parks, including the Peak District, Yorkshire Dales, and South Downs, have these guides available online, so everyone has the opportunity to get out and enjoy the countryside.
What you’ll need A compass and a map are essential, along with plenty of water and some food. Dress appropriately:
The beauty, the vastness, the savagery of the rock and the weather, somehow makes all your worries seem smaller and much more manageable
sturdy shoes, preferably walking boots that offer ankle support, are vital. A waterproof jacket is worthwhile, too, as even if the forecast looks good, the weather can be changeable. Bring a fully charged phone, but don’t rely on it for navigation in case signal goes. Tell someone where you’re going and what time you expect to be back by, and let them know once you’ve returned. It’s best to hike with other people so you can look out for one another – and walking with friends is a fun way to spend time together. So, what should you do if you’d like to get into hiking but are unsure about venturing out? “Start off with easy walks within your comfort zone, and as you start to build fitness and confidence you can start to look to the hills and mountains,” recommends Jenna.
Walking with someone else can help you feel more confident, too. “Most importantly, set your own boundaries and know your limitations,” advises Karen. “Don’t try to take on too much or compare yourself to others. Trust that you are on your own journey and that this is about you improving your mental and physical health – and enjoy it!”
Karen Schumann is a qualified person-centred counsellor. For more visit counselling-directory.org.uk
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Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching CS LEWIS Photography | Eduardo Dutra
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true story
Recovery operation After being diagnosed with a rare tumour, Lauren has spent the past few years in a relentless cycle of operations, scans, and recovery. The impact on her mental wellbeing has been understandably huge, but she’s been empowered to take her traumatic experience and turn it into a positive
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Writing | Lauren Jennings
n June 2019, I was overcome with terrible lower back pain – I couldn’t walk or sit upright, and it was terrifying. I booked an appointment with a spinal consultant who put me through a series of tests and MRI scans, and then referred me to a gynaecologist for further scans and intrusive examinations. Eventually, it was discovered that the problem was located next to my coccyx. I was referred to a pelvic consultant who delivered the devastating news that there was a rare tumour found at the base of my coccyx (tailbone), called a sacrococcygeal teratoma (SCT). I needed an urgent major operation to remove it, and it would need to be tested for cancer. The cause of these tumours is unknown, but they are benign 75% of the time, and malignant and life-threatening 12% of the time. At that moment, everything else just fell from my mind and all I could think about were my twin sons, who were only two at the time; I couldn’t leave them without a mother, and I couldn’t fall apart. I needed to stay strong and fight whatever was headed our way. My first major operation was at the end of July 2019 – less than two months before my wedding. I spent a week in hospital recovering, with not just the tumour being removed, but also part of my coccyx as it had become deformed and had punctured my bowel. This caused an infection,
and my bowel needed to be repaired. Fortunately, I had regular visitors, but I missed my children, and just wanted to be home with them. The good news was that I received the ‘all clear’ a couple of weeks before my wedding, which was a huge relief. We got married on 19 September 2019, and although it was a happy occasion, I could not help but feel that it was slightly overshadowed by my surgery. I felt unwell on the day, and spent my wedding exhausted, with an open wound. My husband and I went on our honeymoon in October 2019, athough there were risks, I was deteremined not to let my illness or operation take something else away from me. We spent two weeks in South Africa and Mauritius, with my husband dressing my wound, and I had to make sure I kept up with the regular strong pain medication and antibiotics as I was at risk of infection. I had only been back to work a month when I was feeling increasingly unwell, to the point that I could hardly breathe. One day, I nearly collapsed at a railway station. It was discovered that I had an infection from my recently healed wound, and my organs were beginning to shut down – starting with my lungs. I was booked in for an urgent operation in December to drain the infection, and had another few months of recovery ahead of me. >>>
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To read more about Lauren’s journey, read her blog ‘What a pain in the a***’ at medium.com/@whatapaininthea___
By April 2020, I was beginning to feel more like myself again; I was exercising, had stopped taking pain medication, and was (virtually) back at work. However, mentally, I felt like I was constantly looking over my shoulder. It was around this time that I was diagnosed with PTSD. I sought help in the form of a therapist; my anxiety was at its peak as I was so worried I would have to go through another operation. I was having recurring nightmares of waking up in the middle of an operation, unable to scream. After a routine MRI scan that summer, my worst nightmare came true – another tumour had been found and I had to go through another major operation. It was to be the biggest and most serious yet, but this time I was allowed no visitors due to the pandemic. I completely fell apart, and everything I had worked hard to rebuild felt as though it was crumbling around me. The health risks from another operation were higher, and so I created a story book to explain the situation to my children, as they were too young to understand, that mummy would be in hospital for a while but would be back soon. It was incredibly
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I completely fell apart, and everything I had worked hard to rebuild felt as though it was crumbling around me heartbreaking to create – I didn’t know at that point what was going to happen. This next operation was performed on 5 October 2020 – my scar was cut once again, and along with the tumour removal I also had a full coccygectomy. I spent 10 long days in the hospital, 23 hours a day, mostly alone. I missed my family, and I was incredibly lonely – when I was finally able to walk, I found myself pacing the room hooked on to my drip like a caged animal. The hospital staff were fantastic, but my conversations revolved around, bowel movements, intrusive examinations, and painful injections, which felt very isolating, and the thought of surviving another long stretch of recovery seemed imaginable. A year later, I was still on pain medication, and struggling with intense exhaustion. On my darkest and most painful days, I find it hard to rebuild myself, and feel worlds away from the person I was two years ago. I have now got to come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be that person again, and had to accept that I may have to deal with a life of chronic pain.
true story
Today, I’m feeling better. I am able to get out and about with a walking stick, although my energy levels are very low. I would say that the right side of where my coccyx used to be, is now 85% pain-free, which is amazing. I still have a way to go with my left side, but I’m letting my body take the time it needs to heal. I’m still seeing a therapist regularly, which helps me to channel the anger and sadness I feel due to everything my family and I have been through. I have experienced such low points when the pain is too much, and getting my life back seems so far away, that if it wasn’t for my boys I would have put myself out of my misery.
I am also seeing a physiotherapist, and I enjoy Reiki and yoga, which I use to find inner peace amongst all the chaos. I decided to quit my job and am now training to be a child therapist. My experience has taught me how so many babies go under the operation to remove an SCT at birth, and grow up to be children with chronic pain in their lower back from the surgery. It made me think how much the operations and pain has affected me as an adult, and I cannot imagine how this must be for children. Although my journey is ongoing, I am thankful to be alive. I have found a support group of people who have been through what I have, and parents of children who have or are going through the same. I have been writing a blog to raise awareness of SCT, to create a positive out of a scary and life-changing experience.
OUR EXPERT SAYS Lauren’s experience presents many challenges which have, and continue to, pose great difficulty. The strength and determination that Lauren shows is inspirational. The physical and emotional impact of this process has been a test, however, with the right kind of help,
she has been able to navigate her way through it. Lauren’s path has evolved – and she now is a beacon of hope and recovery for others. Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist
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Happiful reads... From obsessive thinking to surviving motherhood solo, we share four must-read books you won’t want to miss Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
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xploring the intersection of neurodivergence, fixation, and disorder, Obsessive, Intrusive, Magical Thinking tells the story of writer and journalist Marianne Eloise, and her life as it is ultimately underpinned and made whole by obsession. A collection of essays that not only offer a glimpse into Marianne’s brain, but an insight
Obsessive, Intrusive, Magical Thinking by Marianne Eloise Out 7 April
into the lives of others like her, opening a window into what it means to have your brain latch on to topics in different ways from day to day. From fixations with certain topics to intrusive thoughts and looping phrases, some obsessions may last a lifetime,
while others burn with an intensity that lasts only a week or two. If you’re curious to learn more about neurodiversity, this book offers a fascinating yet entertaining introduction into what neurodiversity and obsession can look like.
My Feelings and Me by Poppy O’Neill Out 31 March Aimed at children ages 7–11, My Feelings and Me is filled with top tips, fun activities, and great information to help children better understand big feelings, and how they can manage them. A practical guide that combines elements of CBT and mindfulness with simple activities, to help children develop the skills to better articulate how they feel and regulate their moods.
None of This Is Serious by Catherine Prasifka Out 7 April As student life comes to an end, Sophie is feeling left behind. An exploration of the uncertainty and absurdity of modern life, follow Sophie as she attempts to balance real life with the world online. A coming of age story set in our time where screens rule our day-to-day experiences, see the uncomfortable influence the internet has on our lives.
Must reads Surviving Solo Motherhood by Amy Rose and Dr Emma Cotterill Out now Whether solo by choice or not, being a single mum is mentally exhausting – and asking for help? That can feel impossible. Discover how to look after your mental health and boost your emotional wellbeing in this latest book from Dr Emma Cotterill and Amy Rose. Drawing upon experiences from single parents, you’ll gain practical advice to help you feel stronger. 48 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
food & health
Finding freedom with food: how to start eating intuitively If you’re ready to ditch food guilt and rediscover the joy of meal times, why not practise intuitive eating? Writing | Kat Nicholls
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f I went back and told teenage me that one day I would be able to eat whatever I wanted without guilt… I think she’d laugh in my face. Back then, I was struggling with an eating disorder, and my relationship with food was restrictive in every sense of the word. What I ate (or didn’t eat) consumed every waking moment, with mealtimes fraught with tension and internal battles. In time, I got the professional help I needed to recover but, even then, the way that I ate was bound by rules. These rules are set by diet culture and they’re ones I’m sure you’ll be familiar with – some foods are ‘good’, others ‘bad’, and many, downright ‘naughty’. We’re told that if we want to be
‘healthy’ (i.e. thin), then we have to eat a certain way, considering how every morsel that passes our lips will affect us. Gradually, however, I became exposed to another way of thinking. I started following body positivity advocates online and learned about concepts such as intuitive eating, and health at every size (HAES). Over time, I started adopting intuitive eating practises, rebuilding trust with myself, and discovering a freedom I never thought was possible. Intuitive eating is a weightinclusive, non-diet approach to eating. Its 10 principles include rejecting the diet mentality, making peace with food, feeling your fullness, and honouring your health through gentle nutrition. The idea is to start tuning-in to
your body’s signals, recognising when you’re hungry, when you’re full, and how food makes you feel, both physically and emotionally. Following this approach means I eat what I want, and am able to embrace the unbridled joy that comes with it. I no longer agonise over how much to eat, or worry that what I’m eating is ‘bad’. If I had to describe it, I would say it’s like taking off restraints after a lifetime of being tied up. At first, the freedom can feel unnerving (if I can eat what I want, surely I’ll go to an extreme and eat chocolate all day?), but in time you learn that you can trust yourself, and eventually you find your footing. Shifting your mindset around eating isn’t an easy or quick >>> happiful.com | Issue 60 | 49
Hattie’s book recommendations
Start your unlearning with these book recommendations from Hattie: 1. Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch (you can also buy the workbook to follow) 2. Just Eat It by Laura Thomas PhD 3. Anti-Diet by Christy Harrison
thing to do, especially when contending with a beast like diet culture, but it can be done.
Taking the first steps Before we move forwards, it’s helpful to look back so we can meet ourselves where we are. Nutritionist and intuitive eating counsellor Hattie Rees explains 50 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
that intuitive eating is a journey of self-discovery, and this includes exploring your past relationship with food. “You can start this by sitting down and drawing a timeline based around your relationship with food,” Hattie says. “Get curious with yourself, and try to pinpoint things such as the age you first went on a diet, and the age you were first negatively affected by your body image. What environment did you grow up in? Did your family/caregivers have a strong history of dieting? What about at school or in the workplace? “You may have been waistdeep in diet culture for decades, it may take a while to
unravel and unlearn everything you’ve picked up from it. This is OK – remember to have compassion for yourself.” When we’re young, we’re malleable. We often take in the messaging surrounding us and it becomes a part of us, for better or worse. This makes it very easy for diet culture to feel normal, and the fact it is still very much accepted in society today makes it even more difficult to let go of. Taking some time to recognise that, and to give yourself grace is important here. Something that can really help at this stage is detaching ourselves (as much as possible) from diet culture.
food & health
Detaching from diet culture “We can’t fully control what is in our environment – let’s face it, diet culture is everywhere,” Hattie notes. But, a helpful step is to look at the environments you can control, and ‘cleanse’ them from diet culture rhetoric. “For example, have a social media detox and unfollow anybody who is preaching diet culture, and/or who makes you feel rubbish. Start following people who are in the antidiet space: personal trainers, therapists, and nutritionists such as myself (@hattiereeshealth) who put out regular anti-diet content.” Hattie also suggests making a list of every diet you’ve done, how they’ve made you feel, and how much money you’ve spent on them. “Remember those feelings of restriction when on a diet, and that those diet companies are banking on each diet failing so that you’ll keep spending money with them,” Hattie notes. “Remind yourself of your brain on a diet vs not on a diet – how much mental room do you have in your life for other things when not focused on food?” Remembering the lack of headspace when in a dieting mentality is something I come back to time and time again. When you find freedom from diet culture, your world expands.
Remind yourself of your brain on a diet vs not on a diet – how much mental room do you have in your life for other things when not focused on food? Getting support If you are starting from a place of disordered eating, it can really help to get some professional support. I don’t believe I would have been able to make the mindset shift without first receiving treatment for my eating disorder. Mental health professionals can support you at this point, bringing you closer to a healthy relationship with food, but nutrition professionals can also be a source of support. “To work on intuitive eating, look for someone who is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counsellor, like myself, which means they have been officially trained by the founders of intuitive eating,” Hattie says. “We all offer slightly different things, such as one-to-one coaching, online courses, group
coaching, and online support groups. There is so much out there to suit whatever you need. “The main thing when looking for support is to find somebody who you gel with. Intuitive eating can be a challenging process, so it can be nice to know you have a professional by your side, supporting you every step of the way, or the support of a community with like-minded people.” Two areas that are commonly present for those of us seeking support are negative body image and emotional eating, so getting support for those areas, Hattie notes, is vital for this work. Whatever your starting point is, there is a path to intuitive eating. It may not be straightforward, and you may need some help along the way, but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will get there. And when you do get there, take a minute to stop and appreciate the view… because I can tell you, it’s pretty fantastic.
Hattie Rees is a nutritionist and intuitive eating counsellor. Learn more about Hattie’s work on nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 60 | 51
How to pivot your life in middle age Four steps to pursuing your dreams, whatever life stage you’re at
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Writing | Clara Doran
y favourite episode of Friends, the one that is guaranteed to make me laugh out loud, is the one with the ‘pivot’. The sight of that sofa stuck halfway up the stairs, and Ross blindly screaming at Rachel and Chandler to get it moving, despite the fact it looks to be going nowhere, is still funny. That Friends episode is on my mind right now for two reasons. Firstly, any excuse for a laugh after the past two years is welcome and, secondly, I’m currently at that corner, about to make the biggest pivot of my life so far. I’ve been a medical doctor since the age of 22, and 20 years later, I’ve decided I’m going to do something else. Believe me, that is easier to type than it is to act on. As with making any big decision, the reasons for this are multiple, complicated, and have consumed many hours of conversation. My pros and cons lists have been written on Word documents, Post-its, and napkins. But here I am, decision made, making a midlife pivot. And, I am not alone. Research from the London Business School suggests that 47% of UK adults
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want to change their careers. The drivers for wanting a midlife career change often focus on finding a sense of purpose, as well as igniting that creative spark that we may have left behind at school in the pursuit of exams, accolades, and steady employment. I’m scared. I had a great purpose in what I did, and trying to make sense of not practising medicine has been personally challenging. I’ve realised that all these years of listening, caring, thinking, and worrying, have taken their toll on me and my own health. Thanks to lots of talking and inner work, I understand that it’s OK to say I want to do something else. As I make my way deep into the unknown, and if you are considering a visit here too, here are the things that I’ve found helpful so far.
1. Pros and cons The act of writing it down helps free your mind, so make your list of staying versus going. Then make it again. Your views will change on any given day – tiredness, hormones, or something you’ve read, might all sway your point of view, so revisit this list. Don’t be afraid to change your mind.
47%
of UK adults want to change their careers 2. Take your time My pivot has been on my mind for longer than I’d like to admit. Often, I’ve felt more conflicted and cross with myself for having these thoughts and then doing nothing about them. Complex decisions take time, and you don’t need to put further pressure on yourself by watching the calendar.
broader horizons
3. Consider who you talk to My husband has listened to my career dilemmas for almost as long as I’ve had them. His career has been very different to mine, and I think this has given me a wider perspective. Talking to people who are in your profession or company, who are content and happy with their career path, may not give you the response you are looking for. Not because they don’t want to or they don’t care, but often they can’t because they aren’t in your headspace.
4. It may be about a ‘grand plan’, but it’s really about you I have big dreams for my next chapter. I’ve started my supplement company, Noggin The Brain People, to help people understand how important lifestyle is; both for how we feel and for looking after our brain health at every stage of our lives. I am also finally pursuing my passion to write – I’ve been writing a memoir and signed with a literary agent in December. But there are no guarantees. You have to make peace with that first. As author Anne Lamott writes: “There is almost nothing outside of you that will help you feel happier in any lasting way, unless you are waiting for an organ. You can’t buy, achieve, or date serenity and peace of mind.” Even if I don’t get all the way to the top of the stairs, I know I will have listened to myself, and embraced my mid-life pivot. For more from Clara Doran, follow her on Twitter @DrClaraR happiful.com | Issue 60 | 53
Happiful recommends From an outdoor adventure to the art of visible mending, and a podcast that’ll get you thinking, try something new with our enriching suggestions
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PAGE-TURNERS Are You Really OK?: Understanding Britain’s Mental Health Emergency by Stacey Dooley
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Support those in energy poverty
Energy poverty is a growing problem, but charities like Action for Warm Homes work tirelessly to be there for those in need. There are many different ways you can support their work, including donations, fundraising, and taking part in challenges. Help where you can, you may never know the difference it makes. (Find out more by visiting nea.org.uk)
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LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Exactly. With Florence Given’
She’s an artist, influencer, and author, and in this podcast Florence Given is diving deep into five topics: sex, social media, feminism, relationships, and body image. Join Florence and guests as they explore every angle, with plenty of laughs along the way. (Available on all podcasting platforms)
OUT AND ABOUT Geocaching
All around the world, geocaches are hidden in precise locations. These boxes could contain anything from trinkets to logbooks, and items for trading. Your job is to go on an adventure and find these boxes. Great fun for all the family, why not get outside and head to geocache locations near you? (Visit to geocaching.com to find out more)
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Pottery | thepotteryparade.com
In this much-anticipated book, broadcaster Stacey Dooley speaks to medical experts, counsellors, campaigners, health practitioners, and those who live with conditions themselves, about mental health in the UK. (BBC Books, £16.99)
ACT OF KINDNESS
PLUGGED-IN Sandra Apperloo
If you have an appreciation for the art of pottery, Sandra Apperloo’s Instagram account is where you need to be. An artist based in the Netherlands, Sandra’s work is colourful, quirky, and cute, and her unique creations are bound to bring joy to your social media feeds. (Follow @thepotteryparade)
culture
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TECH TIP-OFFS NoteIt
The digital equivalent of leaving a Post-it note on the fridge door, the NoteIt app allows you to write or draw a message that shows up on your friend or loved one’s phone homescreen. Get creative, and make someone’s day with this quirky app. (Available for IOS, head to the App Store for more.)
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LESSON LEARNED Visible mending
Many of us are thinking about the way we consume clothes, and learning how to repair snags and tears is an easy way to make sure that you’re wearing items for longer. Visible mending , which includes patching and simple embroidery, is a way of repairing your clothes that adds to their charm, and the results can be beautiful. (Visit visiblemending.com to learn more)
SQUARE EYES The Green Planet
The 12,3,30 challenge
The 12, 3, 30 challenge is raging in popularity, and for good reason. For those who are looking to boost their fitness at the gym, while keeping it low-impact, this simple routine could be the answer. The challenge is simple: on the treadmill, set your incline to 12, speed to three MPH (or 4.8 KPH), and walk for 30 minutes. Enjoy a podcast or your favourite show while you strut.
Have you ever stopped to truly appreciate the power of plants? Join Sir David Attenborough as he dives into a world where a single life can last a thousand years, and discover the dramatic, beautiful story of the plants we share this planet with. (Available on BBC iPlayer)
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GET GOING
TREAT YOURSELF Mood Drops, JOGB Living
Available in three different blends, ‘uplifting’, ‘relaxing’, and ‘sensual’, the Moods Drops from JOGB Living are designed to boost your mood with the power of aromatherapy. Add a couple of drops in strategic spots around your home, in a diffuser, or on your palms to reap the rewards of the unique ability of scents. (£23.50, visit jogbliving.com) Win a bottle of MOJO Mood Drops For your chance to win a bottle of Mood Drops, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com
WIN!
Which scent is most commonly associated with the ability to aid sleep? a) Peppermint
b) Sandalwood
c) Lavender
*Competition closes 17 April 2022. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!
happiful.com | Issue 60 | 55
50 positive mental health stories from the past 5 years It’s hard to see progress when you’re in the middle of it, but often, when you look back, you’ll see you’ve come a lot further than you think. When it comes to the evolution of mental health support, attitudes, and stigma, there’s still a long way to go, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t celebrate the positive steps already taken. Here, as Happiful reaches its milestone fifth anniversary, we’re looking back over the past five years to recognise and appreciate the biggest moments and good news in mental health Writing | Rebecca Thair
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Happiful magazine launched on International Day of Happiness, 20 March 2017.
2
The Mind Over Marathon team ran the London Marathon in April 2017, in aid of Heads Together.
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Time to Change created a five-year campaign called ‘In your mate’s corner’, aiming to encourage men to be there for each other.
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The first Neurodiversity Celebration Week was launched.
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Two friends broke the record for the world’s longest hug, at an incredible 36 hours, 36 minutes, and 36 seconds, and raised more than £7,000 for mental health charity Mind in the process!
In April 2018, the UK government introduced the Soft Drinks Industry Levy (AKA the soft drinks sugar tax), to encourage manufacturers to reduce sugars in their products.
positive pointers
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Happiful’s podcast, ‘I am I have.’ launched in January 2019, and now has more than 100 episodes.
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Charity Student Minds created the University Mental Health Charter, encouraging higher education establishments to sign up and be held accountable for meeting certain mental health and wellbeing standards.
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The World Health Organisation (WHO) officially recognised gaming disorder as a mental illness.
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The UK became the first country to appoint a loneliness minister.
The Mental Health Units (Use of Force) Act, also known as Seni’s Law, was passed into law, requiring mental health facilities to actively take steps to reduce the use of force against patients.
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Sex addiction is recognised as a mental health condition by WHO.
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To address gambling addiction, the government reduced the maximum stake on Fixed Odds Betting Terminals from £100 to £2.
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The Small Talk Saves Lives campaign from Samaritans, relaunched in December 2018, asking the public to start a conversation with someone who seems to be struggling, as it could save a life.
14
NHS England introduced mental health checks and support for both new and expectant fathers.
A record breaking Instagram egg challenged the world to make it the most liked post, and succeeded with 52 million ‘likes’. It then turned out that this was a successful mental health campaign, as the egg began to crack, demonstrating the pressures of social media.
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Transport for London banned adverts for foods high in fat, salt, and sugar.
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The Voyeurism (Offences) Act 2019 – more commonly known as the ‘upskirting law’ – was passed, ensuring that offenders will now face up to two years in prison.
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In May 2019, the SHOUT helpline was launched, and has supported more than 1,000,000 people. happiful.com | Issue 60 | 57
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WHO’s global manual of diagnoses got a big update, recognising that transgender health issues will no longer be classified as ‘disorders’. Happiful hosted its first ever event, Podfest for Mental Health.
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The East Midlands Ambulance Service launched the UK’s first dementia-friendly ambulances, which have been adapted to be less confusing or intimidating for patients.
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In Psychosis and Me, a raw and honest documentary, actor David Harewood pieces together his experience of a psychotic breakdown.
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Looking to support the digital wellbeing of kids, particularly in relation to cyberbullying, the BBC launched its ‘Own It’ keyboard app, which alerts children when they are writing something negative.
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Abortion was decriminalised in Northern Ireland in October 2019.
The free Route4U app launched in Portsmouth, helping direct those using wheelchairs, mobility scooters, or prams, with guidance on the most accessible travel routes.
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Seeking mental health support can be daunting, but a 2020 report found that more people than before were reaching out, as 1.69 million people were referred to talking therapies in 2019–2020.
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Mental health and physical wellbeing was added to the school curriculum in 2020, alongside relationships education.
The Happiful 29 app was launched, putting the
magazine, and access to professional support, in the palm of your hands.
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In January 2020, all matches in the FA Cup Third Round were delayed by 60 seconds, as part of a campaign by Heads Up and Every Mind Matters encouraging fans to ‘take a minute’ for their mental health.
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Research revealed that pets can help prevent suicide in the elderley, creating a sense of purpose and aiding social connections with others.
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As lockdown began in the UK, Becky Wass, from Cornwall, made downloadable postcards people could leave on neighbours’ doorsteps to offer support for those self-isolating.
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The ‘no fault’ divorce law was passed in the UK, set to come into effect in 2022.
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In 2020–21, Mind’s local teams supported 406,000 people.
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Charity CALM launched its ‘Covid-19 news blocker’, to reduce overwhelm.
positive pointers
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Dr Alex George was appointed youth mental health ambassador for the UK government.
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By June 2021, MHFA trained 130,000+ people in mental health skills, including more than 77,000 Mental Health First Aiders, since the start of the pandemic.
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By June 2020, more than one million Brits had stopped smoking since the start of the pandemic.
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Freddie Flintoff shared his experience of bulimia in a BBC documentary.
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In response to the impact of the pandemic, the government announced its £500 million Mental Health Recovery Action Plan.
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With young men being one of the most vulnerable mental health groups, Counselling Directory released a promising report showing a 217% increase in young men looking for mental health information in 2020.
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In support of Naomi Osaka, meditation app Calm said it would pay the $15,000 fines for any tennis player who didn’t participate in press events due to their mental health during the 2021 Grand Slam tournaments.
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Simone Biles brought the mental health conversation, and pressures on athletes, to the masses, after stepping away from the competition during the 2021 Tokyo Olympics.
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New Zealand passed the Bereavement Leave for Miscarriage Bill in March 2021, which allows parents to take three days’ paid leave to grieve.
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Scientists develop a blood test to support the diagnosis of mood disorders, such as depression and bipolar disorder.
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NICE created the first guideline in 12 years to support the treatment of depression in adults, focusing on a ‘menu’ of options, to give patients more choice.
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In 2022, all French citizens who earn below a certain amount will be able to access therapy for free.
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Youth mental health charity Beyond co-produced the UK’s first mental health festival for schools.
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Wildlife campaigners fight for the legal right of everyone in the UK to have access to nature.
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Changes to the UK’s Health Bill mean that the definition of ‘health’ will now officially include mental health. happiful.com | Issue 60 | 59
Andy Gill BA NLP E-RYT JSY500 AC BWY Andy Gill is a multi-modal therapist who uses coaching, hypnotherapy, and yoga to meet his clients’ needs. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk
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hat if we could see our emotions as an important part of ourselves? How would it be if we could see them as key resources to living more authentic and connected lives? I believe that emotions are poorly understood, and often undervalued. Emotions are always present whether we are aware of them or not. They represent our reaction to what is going on in the world around us. They influence our behaviours, moods, and the quality of our mental health. But did you also know that they are crucial to decision making? Emotions tell us what is important and what to pay
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The importance of feeling and experiencing our emotions
So often we underestimate the impact that our emotions can have on our everyday lives. Here, expert columnist Andy Gill dives into the topic of emotions, and shares a practical exercise to help you tune-in to yours Writing | Andy Gill
attention to. Researchers found that people with damage to the emotional centres of their brain struggle to make decisions. Whatever your level of awareness of your emotions, they are there influencing every decision you make! Researchers have also found that naming emotions reduces emotional reactivity. As neuroscientist Dan Siegel says: “Name it to tame it.” But if emotions are so important, why are many of us unable to fully feel or express them? When asked how we feel, people often say things like ‘I feel good,’ ‘I feel OK,’ or ‘I’m not bad.’ But none of these are actually emotions. They represent a safe,
non-specific description that avoids confronting or even revealing what’s going on for us emotionally. If you use words like these to describe your emotions, this could indicate that you are either: 1. Not really in touch with your feelings. 2. You don’t know how to express them. 3. You are uncomfortable expressing your emotions. 4. You hold negative beliefs about emotions and expressing them. 5. Some or all of the above. If any of this is true for you, then you are not alone. Many of
EXPERT COLUMN Practical exercise
Let’s take a look at the eight basic emotions as defined in the Plutchik model. These are: • • • • • • • •
Fear Surprise Disgust Anger Sadness Anticipation Joy Acceptance
Explore the following questions: 1. What is the positive purpose of this emotion? What can it do for you? 2. Are you able to experience this emotion? 3. If you can experience this emotion, what is your level of comfort with it?
us learned as children to control or suppress our emotions. This was true for me, and I would like to give you an example from my own childhood: my dad rarely expressed how he felt – the key exception being the explosion of rage that came when he lost his temper. My father never hit me, but when you are a young child, raw anger feels like a threat to your very existence. I came to believe that anger was a dangerous emotion, something to be feared and avoided. So I avoided anger and any situation or confrontations where it might be present. But the truth is that feelings are neither good nor bad, and that includes anger. Anger tells you when you are threatened. It gives
you the energy to stand up for yourself, and to find solutions. Your own childhood experiences might have left you with similarly dysfunctional approaches to feeling emotion. For me it was anger, but for you it might be sadness, or even joy. I invite you to think of emotions as neither good nor bad. As we have already learned, all our emotions serve a useful function, even those that you might have learned to believe are ‘bad’. How would it be if you could consider all emotions to be positive? If we can view all emotions as positive, even anger, sadness, or fear, then we can learn to allow ourselves to fully feel and express them.
There are no rights or wrongs. But if you are unable to feel any of these emotions, or they are unbearable, then you may benefit from working with a professional.
Summary
I hope this article helps you to see your emotions as positive and valuable. The exercise is a starting point, and I would encourage you to practise this daily. Once you can feel and name the eight basic emotions, you can begin working on describing the different emotions to further develop your emotional vocabulary. Sadness, for example, might be despair, melancholy, hopeless, or wretched. And, likewise, joy might be hope, contentment, or excitement. happiful.com | Issue 60 | 61
A new family favourite It’s time we gave lentils a little appreciation Writing | Aliya Porter
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amily time is precious. Whether you’re stopping a toddler from peeling the wallpaper off the walls, ferrying to and from after school clubs, or juggling work and family life, shoving a ready meal in the oven can feel like the only option. But while convenient, ready-prepared food can be expensive. And if it’s lacking nourishing ingredients, it can impact your overall health, sleep, and behaviour. Fortunately, the alternative doesn’t have to take ages to prepare, or break the bank. Giving children slow-release carbohydrates, and increasing their fibre intake, can help to improve concentration, help them sleep better, and reduce constipation. Slow-release carbohydrates are whole grains, such as wholewheat pasta, oats, quinoa, and wholemeal bread. Fibre can be found in fruits and vegetables, pulses (lentils and beans), and whole grains. Lentils are a really good ingredient to include in family meals. They are versatile, cheap, and can be quick to prepare – perfect for busy family life.
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From a nutrition perspective, they’re great too, as they are a good source of fibre (something many of us are lacking) and plant-based protein. They are also a source of B vitamins, iron, potassium, zinc, and magnesium. This lentil bolognese recipe is ideal for the whole family, especially for children who love pasta. The sauce isn’t just good with pasta though! You could make it into a lasagne, or top it with mashed sweet potato and cheese, and bake for a delicious vegetarian twist on a traditional shepherd’s pie.
Lentil bolognese Serves 4 Ingredients • Vegetable oil (to sauté) • 4 sticks celery, chopped • 4 garlic cloves, crushed • 1 carrot, diced • 2 courgettes, grated • 150g dried red lentils • 1 tin of chopped tomatoes • 1 tin of water (using tomato tin) • 2 tsp dried thyme • Black pepper to taste • 300g wholemeal pasta
Method: • Sauté the celery, garlic and carrot for a few minutes in the oil. • Add the courgette and lentils, sauté for a further 3 minutes. • Add the tomatoes, water, and bring to a boil. Once boiling, lower the heat, and simmer for 20 minutes or until the lentils are soft. • Stir in the thyme and season with black pepper. • In another pot, bring the water to a boil. Add the pasta, and cook until al dente. • Serve with wholemeal pasta, and a side salad.
food & health
The healthy bit
The recommendations for daily fibre intake are: • • • •
2–5 years: 15g a day 5–11 years: 20g a day 11–16 years: 25g a day 16+ years: 30g a day
*30g of dried red lentils gives you about 5g of fibre.
There are different types of lentils, and you can buy them in tins or dried. The cooking time varies, so tinned lentils are a good option for those short on time. You will notice that there is no added salt in this recipe. You could add chicken or vegetable stock in place of the water for extra taste, though be cautious that this will significantly increase the salt content. Reducing the amount of salt we consume is beneficial for heart health, and because salt is an acquired taste, the less salt we add to our children’s food, the less salt they’ll crave in other foods! Plus, as this is a salt-free recipe, it’s suitable for all the family from six months old. If you aren’t ready to swap a whole meat-based meal for lentils, why not reduce the amount of meat you eat by substituting just some of the meat for lentils? Here are some ideas: • Add a tin of green lentils to chilli or Keema curry. This will increase the fibre content and reduce the fat per 100g. • Use tinned lentils in homemade burgers, meatballs or kebabs. Just halve the meat and replace it with the lentils. Make sure you include a binder, like egg, and some breadcrumbs. Aliya Porter is a registered nutritionist, author of ‘Weaning on a Budget’, and mum of three. Find more on her profile and get in touch at nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 60 | 63
Misdiagnosis:
The journey to understanding yourself Reaching out for support with your mental health takes a lot of courage in the first place, but what happens when getting the right diagnosis isn’t straightforward? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
L
izzy Adas’s story begins in 2008, when she was 22 years old. She was working as a manager for a pub chain, and recalls how she would go from feeling great, breezing through work, to suddenly hitting a brick wall, and spiralling into a whirlwind of depression. That was the start of what would become a 13-year journey to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder; a path that was paved with dead ends and false turns. “At first I tried to ignore it, and hoped it would go away, but I started to go into myself so I went to my GP,” Lizzy says. “They tested my thyroid – all OK – and said I could have counselling or medication. I was always scared of counselling, as it meant
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speaking about the abuse I had as a child, and so I opted for meds.” She was being treated for anxiety and depression but, instead of getting better, Lizzy’s mood cycles got worse each passing year. “I tried everything I could think of – changed my contraceptive pill, did blood tests, exercised, everything. But it just got worse and I had no idea why.” In 2016, Lizzy gave birth to her twins, and shortly after was diagnosed with postnatal depression (PND) – the only diagnosis that, so far, felt right for her. But things still didn’t improve, and in 2017 she began attending counselling after feeling suicidal.
“I felt lost, like if they couldn’t help me then who could? Maybe it was in my head, maybe I was causing it?” Lizzy says. “In April 2019, I had a severe breakdown and selfharmed – I wanted the pain to go away. I was destroyed. So I went to my GP again, I remember just shouting, ‘Help me! If you don’t, my children won’t have a mother much longer.’ I asked, why am I happy and then so sad? Why do I feel like this is killing me, literally? “He said it sounded as though I had bipolar, and that having children meant the onset of bipolar had worsened. I finally got sent to the mental health team.” >>>
Your options Jeremy Sachs explains your options when facing a misdiagnosis: If you disagree with a diagnosis, you have a right to ask your doctor to explain their decision-making. If you are still unhappy, you can ask for a second opinion. However, this is not a right, and could be refused. If you feel stuck with a diagnosis, and your doctor isn’t providing any additional support or pathways to alternative consultations, here are some things you could consider:
Make a complaint
It is written in the NHS constitution that patients have the right to complain about any aspect of NHS care, treatment, or service. Speak to your healthcare service manager or reception staff to find out how to register a complaint.
Appealing the use of the Mental Health Act 1983
If you are complaining on behalf of someone detained against their consent under the Mental Health Act, put under guardianship or community treatment order, you can go to the Care Quality Commission (cqc.org.uk/contactus/how-complain/complainabout-use-mental-health-act) If you are detained under the Mental Health Act 1983, you will experience reduced rights. However, you still have some rights, such as: • Seeing an Independent Mental Health Advocate (IMHA) • Seeing visitors, writing to people, and some phone calls • Speaking to hospital managers • Appealing your section at a tribunal.
In January 2021, Lizzy was diagnosed with bipolar. But her story, sadly, isn’t unique. Mental health misdiagnoses are not uncommon, and bipolar is one most commonly misdiagnosed; according to Bipolar UK, it takes an average of nine years to get a correct diagnosis and, during that time, patients will be misdiagnosed on average 3.5 times. Psychotherapist Jeremy Sachs says: “Mental health misdiagnosis does happen. In the sexual trauma recovery groups I run, I’ve met people who lived with misdiagnosis for most of their lives – PTSD mistaken for autism, psychosis mistaken for borderline personality disorder.” One cause Jeremy outlines is that symptoms may overlap into different conditions, and it’s also possible to have more than one mental health condition, which raises the chances of it being missed or mistaken. “This isn’t just healthcare professionals missing or misunderstanding symptoms,” Jeremy explains. “The pathologising of minority groups can lead to misdiagnosis or mistreatment. For example, it is common among the transgender community, when seeking support for transitioning, to have challenges with healthcare professionals misdiagnosing their feelings or experiences.” Beyond that, Jeremy points to the fact that three quarters of mental health conditions begin before a person reaches their 20s – something that can leave you feeling ‘different’, and isolated from your peers, sometimes just 66 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
written off as ‘teenage angst’. And facing a misdiagnosis can come with a sense of fatigue. “Rallying the courage to approach a healthcare professional (normally, this starts with a GP) to confirm this term or an informal mental health diagnosis can take enormous
energy,” he explains. “It can be devastating if that diagnosis doesn’t fit your experience. It could feel like someone has robbed you of how you see yourself and how you function in the world. They may offer a different diagnosis that can feel alien to how you feel and
wellbeing
It could feel like someone has robbed you of how you see yourself and how you function in the world More options Jeremy Sachs suggests:
Speak to the NHS Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS)
PALS officers are based in local hospitals and provide support for patients, carers, and family members. They are not a specific service. Instead, they are a general point of contact for information, resolving concerns or problems, and support making complaints if needed.
Find an advocate organisation
Advocates can help liaise with healthcare professionals and staff to get you what you are entitled to, so you can access the help you need. Usually, they are charities independent of NHS services. Some advocacy groups are NHS-run, but are separate from healthcare departments you may be having difficulties with. Advocates, like PALS, can also support you to make a complaint. Try getting in touch with the following organisations as a place to start:
theadvocacypeople.org.uk and pohwer.net
Find peer support
You may find your mental health doesn’t improve while trying to either get a second opinion, file a complaint, or come to terms with a diagnosis that feels wrong. Connecting with other people who have the same or similar diagnoses can be a massive help. Not only will they understand what you are going through, but they are likely to have plenty of tips, or life hacks, to help with everyday challenges. Search for support groups or group therapies. These are often charities with reduced or no fees.
perceive yourself. And a person can feel like they are to blame for a lack of progress in their treatment.” Feelings like those Jeremy highlights are natural, and can take time to process – they echo Lizzy’s early experiences. However, her final diagnosis came with a huge sense of relief at finally having an answer. “To me, it wouldn’t have mattered what the diagnosis was, as long as it was the right one and I could finally get help,” she says. There’s no hiding the fact that a mental health misdiagnosis, and the long road to getting clear answers, is often accompanied by a host of additional wellbeing challenges. A final diagnosis can open the door to greater self-understanding, but it can also come with mixed-feelings. Wherever you are – or someone you care about is – on that journey, as we continue the conversation on mental health, and support investment and research into resources and care, there are lessons on the horizon. And that’s something we can all be a part of.
Find talking therapies.
Seeking out a psychotherapist or counsellor can really help. They can provide a space that does not view you as a diagnosis, but as a person who needs support. They will not judge you, and work hard to understand your feelings and situation without diagnosing or labelling you.
Jeremy Sachs is an integrated psychotherapist who specialises in working with trauma recovery, long-term conditions, adolescents, and young people. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 60 | 67
The wall of hope
Through tough times, we discover so much about ourselves and what we’re capable of – strength we never knew we had, deeper empathy, a better understanding of our values, and self-acceptance. Here, the Happiful community is sharing its insight and lessons learned, to help you on your own journey Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
T
hat value of providing others with the support they need is something woven into the very fibres of what we do at Happiful. In fact, our story began when two sisters, Aimi and Emma, founded Counselling Directory after experiencing their own challenges, and not knowing where to look for help. Their mission went on to help millions of people and, five years
ago, a tiny team came together to create the first edition of Happiful. The magazine launched with two key goals in mind: to end mental health stigma, and to aid people in finding the help and support they need. We wanted to do something different; we wanted to challenge ideas about what a lifestyle magazine could and should talk about. And in the years since our first issue went to print, we’ve worked tirelessly to do just that.
“We rise”
“A sentiment I’ve found myself repeating recently is: ‘We rise.’ To me, this is a personal reminder that with both difficult situations and people, or when my patience is being tested, I can both rise above it and rise to the challenge. I am more than my circumstances dictate.” – Rebecca Thair, editor
The power of distraction
Something that has always astounded us on this journey is just how much can be learned by listening and sharing. We learn so much for our readers in the Happiful community, the same way we hope you pick up lines of wisdom from our pages. To celebrate the power of community, we’re sharing advice and words of hope for the tough times from the Happiful team and from you, our readers.
“‘You have survived hard times before. And you will again. You have the strength.’ I remind myself of this when I am challenged and overwhelmed.” – Charlotte Reynell, creative lead
“When I feel burnt out with my work I usually tend to go play basketball or any form of exercise that does not require me to use my brain a lot.” – Rosan Magar, illustrator
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positive pointers
“Something that I’ve been working on in recent years is letting myself off the hook when things are tough. Feeling a bit moody? That’s fine, I’ll spend some time doing something I enjoy. Overwhelmed by clutter in the house? No problem, I’ll clear one small space today, another area tomorrow. Tired and drained? That calls for a bath, a comfort watch, and an early night. Giving myself permission to drop things when needed makes all the difference.” – Kathryn Wheeler, head writer
“Happiness is amazing. It's so amazing it doesn't matter if it's yours or not' - After Life. When I'm struggling or feeling low, I try to think about the good things that are happening to the people around me. Your joy will come and, when it does, someone you know will use your happiness to get them through.” – Amy-Jean Burns, head of product
The Happiful community “From your lowest point, you just need to find that small amount of life purpose, grow again, and reach out to get the support you need. You have the power, dig deep.” – Jayne Padley
“Retreat does not mean surrender, and hiding does not mean giving up. Give yourself time and space to regroup, and let no one give you BS for needing to take it.” – Jake Basford
“You are loved just as you are”
“Choosing to stay is bold, and it is brave. Holding out a little while longer is an act that is laced in the hope that things can be better than they are. And it is a movement that shouldn't be discounted, underestimated, or overlooked. You may feel that you are living out your story in the shadows, or reaching out in the quietest of whispers. So, today, I want you to know that you are seen, you are worthy, and above all, you are loved just as you are.” – Millie Blue Capon
“Every day is an opportunity to create change.” – Disree Shaw
“When you're worrying about what other people are going to think, remember that no one cares what you do with your life as much as you do. The good people just want you to be happy. So be brave, you can make the changes you need to make to create the life you want.” – Thalia Caddy
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“Making the choice every day to hold space for positive, useful, grateful thoughts has helped me build up my selfbelief, and I hope you can give it a go too.” – Emily Green
The great outdoors
“For me personally, it's all about getting outside in green space, finding simple things that spark joy, practising gratitude, and connecting with people who know me best and who can help me laugh out loud in a heartbeat.” – Deborah Bulcock
“Think of something you are grateful for and focus on that feeling of gratitude, as it will magnify and bring more good feelings to you.” – Yanique Thompson
You are enough
“Take it easy on yourself. It’s so easy for us to blame ourselves for neglecting our mental health, but it isn’t that. We are so quick to feed ourselves with negativity and put ourselves down. We are warriors, and each one of us has some battle we are tackling. Be kind to yourself. You are enough!” – Tammy Rowe
“Find a mantra and breathe it in, hold, and empty it out. In with positive thoughts, hold that (it’s impossible to think negative and positive at the same time), and let go of all negativity, breathe it all out, out, out. Any time of day, anywhere you are, as many times as you can.” – Angie Goudie
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“Hope is such a powerful word and one that has helped me so much with my recovery from anorexia. I always remind myself that not only is the word ‘hope’ so powerful on its own, but it’s also the acronym: hold on pain ends. It has always served me as such a helpful reminder that nothing lasts forever. We have survived 100% of our worst days, so we can keep on fighting for the days where we can be at peace.” – Hayley Elizabeth
We hope these words fill you with comfort and support. And, remember, the pages of Happiful are here for you, whatever you’re feeling, whenever you need them, wherever you are on your journey.
broader horizons
A toxic workplace can have a huge impact on people’s wellbeing. With expert insight, we’re identifying the signs of this harmful culture, and sharing the simple life skills that can help transform your ability to approach it
I
f you raise the subject of toxic workplaces in any group of people, I can guarantee you that at least half will have first-hand experience of a past role where bad company behaviour was the norm, and staff were consistently treated poorly. Chatting with colleagues brings up plenty of past examples. From the outright outlandish: “I realised my previous workplace was toxic when the owner of the company walked through the office shouting and swearing at the top of his voice,” to the snide and divisive red flags: “A colleague commented on leaving work on time being ‘nice for some’ (despite my commute being two hours on the train versus their 10-minute stroll).” And then there’s the non-verbal toxicity: out of hours emails
Writing | Lucy Donoughue
and an expectation of responses in that same time period; lack of opportunities to ask questions and gain clarity over expectations; desk presenteeism; and promoting a culture of unhealthy competition or fear around job security. But, clearly toxic workplaces are nothing new, given how many people seem all-too-familiar with this detrimental experience – so why is it such a hot topic? “The time we spent away from the office during the pandemic has really allowed people who worked in those environments to return to their most authentic selves,” life and career elevation coach Carly Ferguson explains. “Being physically away from colleagues has collectively given us space to think our own thoughts and feel our own
feelings, which has impacted actions and reactions to career paths, choices, and the return to previous ways of working.” We all know that some companies and institutions have yet to catch up when it comes to healthy, boundried, respectful workplace policy and behaviours. The previous examples are just the tip of the iceberg, and they’re undeniably negative and damaging to staff wellbeing. Where the topic of toxicity – and it’s more nuanced derivatives – becomes more tricky, is in the murky area between expectations, and employer-employee relationships. Is there a situation where a genuine conflict between business needs, communication styles, skills match, and career ambitions culminate in a toxic circumstance, perhaps? >>> happiful.com | Issue 60 | 71
Each and every person brings different perspectives and qualities to a workplace
Helping to create a definition, Carly says: “A toxic workplace can be any work environment, it doesn’t have to be an office, that has a detrimental effect on its employees. That could be [in terms of] their performance and productivity, or their physical, spiritual, and mental health, wellbeing, and happiness.” And the fact is, toxicity doesn’t just happen to manifest in a 72 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
business. Individuals within that company contribute to the culture, and the experience of those around them. “You can only have a toxic workplace if there are toxic behaviours coming from people,” Carly says. “And unknowingly or not, everyone can play a role, whether that’s poor communication, gossiping, or feeding a cycle of negativity.
“It’s important for us all to be self-aware and reflect on how we can manage each work situation in the best, most authentic and professional way possible.” Regardless of whether we’re part of a world-wide organisation, or a small family-run business, each and every person brings different perspectives and qualities to a workplace, and they’ll perceive their professional
broader horizons
interactions and experiences differently, too. Acknowledging this, as well as taking proactive responsibility for our own contributing behaviours, is key, Carly says, to managing our emotions when experiencing professional toxicity. “My personal opinion is that the sense of a toxic workplace isn’t the same for everybody, and some people will be more affected than others. However for most people, being in a toxic workplace, dealing with a toxic situation or colleague, is unavoidable at some point in their life. So for me, the question is how can you prepare for it, if it is inevitable?” Being aware of what a healthy work environment looks like to you, and what behaviours or situations might be triggering, can enable you to identify and try to address an issue before it escalates. Is it high staff turnover signposting deep-rooted issues? Or perhaps it’s burnout from prolonged stress? Is it a lack of communication, support, or growth opportunities? Is it unrealistic expectations weighing on your shoulders, or a specific individual/group of people whose comments make you uncomfortable? While the contributing factors may vary, the overall feeling you’re often left with is Sunday-night anxiety, dreading the working week. If you find yourself in this situation, it can feel really isolating, and sometimes like a
personal attack. But before going down that route, Carly suggests trying to remain objective to understand why this is happening. “We all have our own ‘manual’ of how people are ‘supposed’ to behave, which is how we would behave in a situation – but everyone else has their own manuals, their own life experiences, and insecurities, too.” This means that, in some scenarios, your colleagues or employers may be oblivious to the toxic culture, or unaware of the impact of their behaviour. It may be entirely unintentional.
“With this in mind, try not to label or judge people,” Carly says. “My advice would be that it’s important to honour people’s differences and personal circumstances.” But, of course, unintentional or not, the fact that a toxic workplace has been created needs to be addressed. As daunting as it may sometimes feel, the best course of action is always to speak up for yourself – nothing can change otherwise. “Firstly, I would say engage with all the avenues open to you, including speaking up, talking to HR, chatting with friends, focusing on what brings you joy outside of work, counselling, engaging a life coach if possible,
and considering moving jobs. However, leaving a role doesn’t necessarily fix something. You might really love your job, so it’s important to take time to think about your next steps.” Carly also suggests working on your all-round wellbeing, in particular your nervous system, but acknowledges that this can be hard when you’re feeling low. “You need to get to a point where you can physically and mentally handle the situation you’re in. That could involve practising yoga or anything that strengthens your navel and your core, so you can literally stand up for yourself,” Carly says. “Breathwork can also be hugely helpful, as can cold showers and cold water swimming. These activities all build up your nervous system.” At the end of the day, we spend a lot of time at work, and deserve to feel safe, supported, and have our boundaries respected, whatever role we’re in.
Carly Ferguson is a leadership and career elevation coach, and human design expert. For more career advice, visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk Listen to Carly’s full interview on our podcast ‘I am. I have.’ happiful.com | Issue 60 | 73
Four steps for dealing with too much choice Whether it’s what to put on the TV in the evening, or how to manage priorities at work, we’re breaking down how to make decisions when things become overwhelming Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
I
t can be great to feel in control of our lives, making the call on the things that come our way every day as well as big-picture choices that shape the future. But, sometimes, all those decisions can become overwhelming, or even stifling – and when it comes to choices that aren’t easy to make, or which come with a degree of distress, decision fatigue can set in. When that happens, deciding what you want to do feels a whole lot harder, engaging with the problem properly seems almost impossible, and apathy starts to set in as your mind is too overwhelmed to engage with the task at hand. Here, with help from life coach Sukhi Johal, we ask, what can we do to address decision fatigue?
1. Spot the signs of decision fatigue “The important thing to notice is whether you are becoming irritable or incapable of making simple decisions,” Sukhi says. “It’s 74 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
then time to prioritise a break for self-care. Take time for gentle exercise throughout your day, make healthy diet choices – or if you have just finished a big project, book in some muchneeded annual leave.” Sometimes, our mood can take a dip and we may not immediately know what’s causing it. So take some time to reflect on the things that are going on in your life at the moment. Are you taking on a lot more responsibility than usual? Or are the stakes higher right now? Perhaps you’ve just had a stressful day and the thought of deciding what to cook for dinner is just one thing too many.
2. Group tasks together Once you’ve established that you’re struggling, Sukhi suggests implementing strategies to make your day-to-day life easier. “Group tasks together and look at how you can streamline choices,” she suggests. “For example, rather than facing
the daily dilemma of what to eat for dinner, compartmentalise meal decisions by prepping the week’s menu ahead of time. This will save a huge portion of time and headspace every evening by having the decision already made. Saving your headspace on the smaller decisions helps to free up room for the bigger decisions.”
3. Limit your options by making them binary These days, we have so much choice. Whether that’s what book to read next, or picking out a type of kitchen roll. While that initially seems like a good thing, it can get too much, and multiple studies have looked at the ways that ‘choice overload’ can make actually coming to a decision a whole lot harder. “Going through a myriad of choices when making a decision can be exhausting and confusing,” Sukhi says. “For example, while going through the possibility of 20 different holiday destinations may save
wellbeing
a few pennies, you will have spent a lot of time and energy causing unnecessary stress. Try to dwindle down your options to two choices where possible, to make the assessment of outcomes more manageable.”
4. Once you make a decision, stick to it
Saving your headspace on the smaller decisions helps to free up room for the bigger ones
“Often, the fatigue continues after we have made a decision as we start to think about whether it was the right one to make, or what we should have done instead,” Sukhi says. “Make your decisions with the intention that you are going to trust your decision-making process, and promise yourself that you are not going to over-analyse it once it is done.” If you’ve got a lot on your plate, the last thing you want to do is keep on going over the same thing again and again, something which Sukhi says can trap you in a decision fatigue loop. “A good tip is to learn to trust your decision making – just think of a time when you trusted your gut instinct and it was right. Reminding ourselves that our instincts are reliable can help us to trust and settle on our decisions.”
Sukhi Johal is an NLP qualified personal and professional development trainer. Find out more by visiting llifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 60 | 75
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you MAORI PROVERB Photography | Camila Cordeiro
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Fundraise for your favourite charity Whether holding bake sales at work or braving a sponsored skydive, there are lots of fun and thrilling ways to raise money for charity Writing | Caroline Butterwick
F
undraising provides vital money and awareness for charities, and is good for us, too. ‘Give to others’ is one of the NHS’s ‘five steps to mental wellbeing’, with research suggesting that acts of giving and kindness can create positive feelings, give a sense of purpose and self-worth, and help us connect with other people. It’s also a great opportunity to develop our skills, make friends, and embrace new experiences. So how do you go about finding or creating a fundraising opportunity that works for you while making a difference?
Choosing a cause
With so many charities out there, it can take time to find the right one for you. One person who has embraced fundraising is Katie. She has taken part in Move for Mind, a fundraising initiative by the mental health charity Mind where participants complete a 30-day exercise challenge, getting sponsored as they go. She has raised an amazing £3,500 by taking part. Katie has bipolar disorder, so Mind is a charity that means a lot to her. Choosing a charity that you have a personal connection
with is a great way to help you stay motivated, and give you that extra push on days when you’re struggling. It can also help encourage others to sponsor you, as you can – if you feel able – share why this is a cause close to you. You may have a charity in mind already, and if not, spend some time searching online. Look local, too – there will be charities working where you live to support your community.
Finding a fundraising challenge that’s right for you
Think about what you want to get from your fundraising. Of course, >>> happiful.com | Issue 60 | 77
raising money for charity is key, but there are ways you can benefit, too. Will it help you with your fitness goals, or give you a chance to try something you’ve always wanted, like abseiling down a building? For Katie, taking part in Move for Mind has supported her own mental health, and encouraged her to keep exercising. “It’s inspired me, and it’s inspired my children to move more,” she says. Katie found out about Move for Mind while scrolling through social media. If you have a specific charity you would like to support, try looking on their website to see if they have anything you can get involved with. Many have set challenges you can take part in, from sponsored hikes to cook offs. But you don’t just have to go for organised events – you can create your own fundraising opportunity. Fundraising can mean stepping out of your comfort zone and trying new things. Katie asks her friends for suggestions of activities to try, putting posts on Facebook and Instagram. She has taken part in dozens of different physical activities, many of which were new to her, from paddle boarding to Thai boxing, open water swimming, and yin yoga. “I really like the mastery of new things,” she says, “and there’s loads of stuff that I’ve done 78 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
Fundraising can mean stepping out of your comfort zone and trying new things
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10 fundraising activities:
that I would do again.” She’s found that it’s introduced her to new activities which she has continued doing after the initial challenge has ended. You may find that you learn something new about yourself when you try something different.
Get going
Websites like Just Giving are popular ways for people to donate to your efforts. You can set up a page where people can find out about what you’re doing, where their money goes and how it helps people. It’s often worth contacting the charity you’re fundraising for to let them know your plans. They may be able to offer support and resources to help you organise or promote your event, or link to your donation page. If you’re doing something big, or have raised a significant amount of money, try contacting your local newspaper to see if they’ll cover your story. Social media and word of mouth are also ways you can reach out to let others know what you’re doing, and hopefully get more support. Sometimes, finding the energy to stay motivated while you fundraise can be hard. Keeping the cause you’re raising money for in your mind can make it easier. “I’m quite a motivated person,” says Katie. “I do it because I know Mind needs the
1. Get sponsored to sit in a bathtub of baked beans. 2. Hold a monthly bake sale at work. 3. If you’re great at guitar, try busking in town. 4. Start a swear jar at home. 5. Brave a head shave. 6. Hold a games night. Everyone donates to take part, and whether it’s Monopoly or Dungeons and Dragons, bring your friends together to have fun and raise money. 7. Live stream playing a game, and collect donations as you go. 8. Challenge yourself and your colleagues to walk, run, or cycle your commute for a week, getting sponsored. 9. Hold a quiz night, asking local businesses to donate prizes. 10. Organise a charity gig at a local pub or venue.
money, and that it will help a lot of people.” Bringing other people in can also help you keep going. Katie has had around 50 people get involved with her activities, which means she gets to share the joy of trying new things with others. Could you get your friends, family or colleagues to team up to tackle a challenge? Whatever you do, remember that by fundraising you’re making a huge difference – to the charity you’re supporting, but also to yourself. happiful.com | Issue 60 | 79
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What is working mum guilt
(and how can I overcome it)?
Why do some women feel guilty for pursuing their careers after having kids? We speak with transformative coach Ali Scott to find out more Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
W
e’re all different – as individuals, and as parents. Making the decision to return to work after having a baby is tough. For some, there’s no choice at all; financial commitments, family situations, and the overwhelming cost of childcare are all readily accepted reasons new mums give for returning to work. Others might remain at home as a stay-at-home parent, finding motherhood itself to be a fulfilling and rewarding role to embrace. Yet for some mums, there’s one motivator we don’t talk about: our desire to continue our careers,
our need to keep a part of our identity outside of motherhood. And this? Well, it can cause more guilt than we might realise. A survey by Mother and Baby revealed that despite six out of 10 mums welcoming the financial and emotional independence granted by employment, we feel guilty about leaving our children at home or in childcare, as we fear we are missing out on key moments in their development. As a new mum, I was just one of my friendship group to recently have a baby. Yet the more I spoke with my friends and fellow mums, I came to
realise: not everyone has the same desire to return to their careers. I became one of the many mothers out there to feel guilty for not finding motherhood to be the total, utter fulfilment that some mums do feel. It left me wondering: is it wrong to want to return to work after becoming a parent?
What is working mum guilt? Working mum guilt refers to the feelings of guilt mothers might experience for returning to work instead of staying at home with their new baby or children. Thought by some to stem from >>> happiful.com | Issue 60 | 81
If you genuinely want to be successful at work, and pursue a fulfilling career as well as being a mum, then the starting point is to fully accept this as your path the idea of the working mum dilemma, as author and journalist Amy Westervelt explains: “We expect women to work like they don’t have children, then raise children as if they don’t work.” There’s societal pressure for us as women to do it all which, when faced with the stark reality of it, leaves us feeling guilty no matter what we do. And over time? That can lead to blurred boundaries, where work spills into family time, family worries cloud your mind at work, and you’re left feeling as if you’re missing out on all fronts, and failing both at work and at home. Achieving worklife balance never felt so hard.
Why do some working mothers feel guilty? Becoming a parent is a huge change that affects all areas of your life. Simple things we 82 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
once took for granted, such as taking a shower, become a luxury you can’t always make time for in the early days. Finding time for yourself (be that for self-care, five minutes to enjoy a coffee without watching your kids, or catching up on the news without interruption) can leave you feeling guilty.
The cycle of guilt can seem endless. You may feel guilty for not spending enough time with your family, for missing little firsts, for relying on others for a few hours of childcare. You might feel guilty for working fewer hours than colleagues, for earning less money due to fewer hours (thereby putting
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more pressure on your partner), for sharing the household and childcare loads now that you’re working, or for worry that it’s selfish to return to work – only to have to then pay a significant amount for childcare. We speak with transformative wellbeing coach Ali Scott to find out how we can feel more comfortable, and less guilty, while pursuing our careers as working mums. “Getting away from guilt must always begin with a commitment to stop beating yourself up about what’s going on in your life,” Ali says. “Guilt happens when we are misaligned with our true selves. So it’s a great practice to connect with yourself regularly, and ask: what does your truest self want? If you genuinely want to be successful at work, and pursue a fulfilling career as well as being a mum, then the starting point is to fully accept this as your path.” So while some of us feel guilty for wanting to return to work, others feel guilt for not wanting to return. But what causes some of us to feel this way? Ali explains: “Guilt comes in when we think we should be doing something differently. We are all on different paths in life, we all have different things to
express into the world. A mum who stays at home reluctantly can create a much less helpful environment for a child than a mum who is actively pursuing her dreams and happiness wherever that may take her some of the week.
“Honestly, your children would not want you to be unhappy about your choices. You can love a child fully and completely and not spend every waking moment with them, and your connection with your children will almost certainly grow stronger when guilt is erased from the picture
and you are freed up to simply be who you are.”
How can I overcome working mum guilt? No matter how eager we are to return to work and pursue our careers, those early days can feel overwhelming. Ali shares her recommendations to help mums ease back into work, and start the process of pursuing their career goals once more. 1. Be gentle with yourself “Returning to work after maternity leave can be one of the hardest things a woman ever has to go through. There can be a mixture of emotions, from sadness and guilt, to stress and relief, and all can leave you feeling overwhelmed. So firstly (and secondly, and possibly thirdly) be gentle to yourself. “Seriously, make sure you are talking to yourself with kindness. There’s no rule that says you have to find this easy. It’s all too common to get tied up in unrealistic expectations that are layered on to us by family, friends, colleagues, and society in general. Some mums find returning to work a breeze, and some don’t. Neither is right or wrong.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 60 | 83
Make sure you are talking to yourself with kindness. There’s no rule that says you have to find this easy 2. Share your concerns with someone you trust “Make sure to voice your worries and concerns to your partner, trusted friend, or therapist/coach. Sometimes just saying things out loud into a caring container can really help.” 3. Get a good night’s sleep “There are some practical things you can do to help ensure a more smooth transition. Tiredness is often one of the main issues, and doing whatever you can to ensure sleep is as optimised as it can be will be key here.” 4. Choose childcare that you feel comfortable with “Ensuring you are leaving your baby with someone you feel extremely comfortable with is clearly important, and will go some way to alleviating any guilt about not being around 24/7.” 84 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
5. Be honest at work “Be honest with your colleagues and boss. The more you pretend you can do, when you’re really feeling that you can’t, the more they will give you to do – you know how this works.” 6. Give yourself time “Realise that it will take you some time to feel fully comfortable in your new role of working mum, and allow yourself this time.” Returning to work – whether that’s weeks, months, or years after having a child – is scary. In many ways, it feels like our lives outside of our immediate family bubble come to a standstill from the moment you first hold that tiny, wailing bundle. Yet making the choice to return to work can have such a positive impact on our own sense of self.
Figuring out what is best for not only your family, but for your own wellbeing is key to discovering if returning to work is the right choice for you. And if you don’t find the perfect solution immediately? There’s nothing to stop you from trying new ways – and new career paths – until you find one that works for you.
Ali Scott is a transformative life coach, specialising in supporting people to move from stuck and burdened to peaceful and free. For more information, or to contact Ali, visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk
Spring watch Enjoy some mindful exercise, and embrace the changing seasons, by taking a stroll outside, focusing on the natural gifts of springtime Daffodils Often considered one of the most iconic symbols of spring, the vibrant yellow hues of these flowers are sure to brighten your day.
Bluebells Is there a more beautiful sight than a blanket of blue across the woodland? Watch out in April and May for the UK bluebell season.
Frogspawn Take a closer look at your garden pond, or spend a little longer lakeside, to spot the clouds of frogspawn on the surface and edges. Revisit regularly to see the progress of the little creatures coming to life!
Hedgehogs Waking up from their hibernation between early March and May, these spiky creatures are likely to be thirsty and foraging for food. If you can, leave out some water to help them.
Crocus In a range of lilac to purple shades, crocus tends to be one of the first flowers to bloom, and thrive in longer grass and woodland moss.
Ladybirds After remaining dormant over the colder months, these bright insects reappear in spring.
Bumblebees Listen out for that gentle hum on the air, as these sociable insects emerge.
Chiffchaff After spending the winter abroad, typically in the Mediterranean or North Africa, this small olivebrown feathered friend can be recognised by a distinctive twotone call.
Sand Martin Returning from a winter in the Sahara, these tiny brown and white birds nest in colonies, typically in sandy banks and cliffs, so keep an eye out for them when you’re near water.
Fruit tree blossom Whether it’s from a cherry tree, or crab apple, the pink petals of blossoms are a beautiful way of nature telling us it’s time to wake back up from a long, dull winter. happiful.com | Issue 60 | 85
Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture the heart ANCIENT INDIAN PROVERB Photography | Lea Zhong
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broader horizons
Everybody hurts, sometimes Are you happy to shed a tear when the situation arises, or are you more likely to opt for a silent sob behind a locked door so no one has to witness your sadness? Happiful ponders why so many of us are ready to press mute on the much-needed outward expression of so-called ‘negative emotions’, and how we can get comfortable with the need to cry
H
eading into a supermarket recently, I saw a little girl crying loudly as her mum tried desperately to console her. About 10 minutes later, I passed them again; the tears had stopped and the little one was sitting in a trolley seat, playing happily with a toy giraffe. Whatever had been devastating minutes before had been acknowledged, expressed, and moved past. The little girl’s tears stayed with me for days. I’d witnessed two ends of the emotional spectrum in quick succession, and I couldn’t help but reflect upon the power of a good sob, letting frustration, sadness, anger – emotion – out in the most natural and primal way.
Writing | Lucy Donoughue
As an adult, stopping still in the street and bawling, as much as I’ve often needed to, would probably cause most strangers to cross the road, or at least take some time to assess the risk of approaching a wailing woman they didn’t know. In my mind, there’s most definitely a socially acceptable time and a place for me to cry, and it tends to be behind closed doors, whether those are at home, the office loo, or in the car. I know I’m not alone. A friend of mine perfected the art of blinking her tears out over a bathroom sink at work so her eyes wouldn’t look red, and then no one would know she’d been distressed by festering office politics. I’ve witnessed people walk out of
rooms rather than allow their true difficult feelings to spill out, and I’ve heard so many unnecessary apologies for getting misty-eyed over the years. Letting go and having a good sob seems to be the exception rather than the rule for many of us, and tear avoidance can be a compelling alternative when crying shame rears its ugly head,
Childhood tears
So when do we start to mute our emotions, particularly the need to cry? When does holding back tears become the thing to do, unless we have a societally valid (and supposedly time-capped) reason like loss, death, and injury? And why does crying get such a bad rap anyway? >>> happiful.com | Issue 60 | 87
Anyone who’s ever watched The Great Pottery Throw Down, or attended a wedding, will know that crying can also signal deep appreciation. The answer to the tearful question could lie in social conditioning that many of us experience from the moment we learn to speak. All too often ‘ssh’ or ‘don’t cry’ is the first response from a parent or guardian when we shed noisy, pained tears. Whether well-meaning or not, this suggests to us that crying isn’t a desirable behaviour in daily life. It draws attention, and makes other people feel uncomfortable, or even angry and frustrated. Psychotherapist Sharon Rooke expands upon this notion in her brilliant Counselling Directory article, The Trouble with Emotions. “Many of us have grown up in homes where expressing our feelings wasn’t only discouraged; it was actively squashed,” she writes. “We quickly learned to keep our feelings, our wants, and our needs under wraps. Having a bad day, feeling upset, or feeling angry could be faced with ‘What have you got to be upset about?’ or the classic ‘If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.’ 88 | Issue 60 | happiful.com
broader horizons
“These harsh words, or condemning looks, became translated into rules – rules for us; rules about us,” Sharon continues. So strong feelings get buried, denied, disconnected. “We don’t learn how to lean into them. We don’t learn how to process them. We don’t learn how to use them. We don’t learn how to get the most from them. But the great news is that we can! It is never too late.”
Time to tear up and speak up?
Re-writing the script when it comes to expressing how we feel, and fighting associated shame around sadness and crying, can only bring about positive benefits. First of all though, we have to let go of the notion that there’s a natural state of equilibrium that we should be seeking to achieve at all times when it comes to the way we feel. We need to respect the role that sadness can play in our emotional landscape, as psychotherapist Fe Robinson explains. “Emotions naturally come and go all the time,” she says. “We’re not always happy; through a normal day there will be a
wide range of feelings that pass through us. When we notice what we feel, and check out what’s happening that’s prompted it, this can help a feeling release and evaporate. “That might sound easy, but actually it can be hard to do. Daring to look at powerful feelings can be tough. You might fear that if you start crying you will never stop, or that anger might consume you,” Fe acknowledges, noting that working with a mental health professional can be a way to safely start this process. “The most helpful balance is when feelings are allowed to be there, but they don’t get acted out, and decisions are not made when we are in the intensity of them,” she continues. “Results are not often instant, but when you fully recognise what is happening inside, it somehow changes the way you feel and react.”
from detrimental situations, and know that all emotions are temporary, however tough they feel at the time. Fe encourages people to challenge themselves, and explore beyond the immediate moment of pain to gain some longer-term relief, and find more security in expressing the emotion they may be uncomfortable with. “A good question to ask when in the throes of a strong emotion is ‘Is this reasonable?’” Fe says. “If it is, you might comfort yourself with the knowledge that like all things, it will pass. That may not take away the pain you feel right now, but it just might make it more bearable. Talking it through can be a helpful way to help it move on.”
Think through those feelings
Fe is a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, EMDR therapist, and couples counsellor.
As adults, we have considerably more agency than we did when we were children. In general, we’re able to think rationally and expansively about the way we feel, can try to remove ourselves
Sharon is a registered psychotherapist and supervisor, specialising in psychological trauma.
Visit counselling-directory.org.uk to find out more about getting in touch with your emotions happiful.com | Issue 60 | 89
10 affirmations for tough days Powerful words to boost your resilience – cut them out and keep them for when you need a little reminder
Today is tough, but so am I.
I will stay focused, and take things one day at a time.
I am following my own compass. I’ve faced challenges and overcome them before, and I will again. There is nothing wrong with asking for help.
My wants, needs, and values matter, and are worth fighting for.
Every roadblock could be sending me in the right direction.
&
I can be both
nervous courageous at the same time When I am overwhelmed, I will remember my healthy coping techniques.
This t o shall o pass.
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