Happiful June 2020

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

Find your

dawning moment

JUNE 2020 £4.00

Between the sheets

Sex therapists' secrets to spice up your love life

Feel inspired by those who have overcome their greatest challenges

DECISION CONFIDENCE

ways to nourish your wellbeing

DIY HOME SPA

The self-care edition

06

9 772514

373000

HAPPIFUL.COM

CONNECT CREATIVELY

Psychosis myths debunked Stigma ends here. We sort the fact from fiction

“

Life is tough, my darling, but so are you

– STEPHANIE BENNETT HENRY

Photography | Guilian Fremaux

Hope on the horizon In challenging times, we so often have to call on reserves of emotional strength we never knew we had. But that inner fight, it's there, in all of us.

For some, getting out of bed today felt like an insurmountable task, or homeschooling the kids, or making sure we can make ends meet this month, or continuing with daily life while fearing for our loved ones' safety.

But it's time we started treating ourselves with the kindness and compassion we deserve, and recognise what might seem like the smallest victory for the effort, and energy, it's taken for us to achieve it.

In our June issue, we implore you to hold on. Remember that even on the darkest night, a new day will rise.

In our feature on how to find your 'dawning moment', we share, to inspire you, the experiences of those who found a moment of clarity to move forward from unprecedented personal challenges.

To encourage you to truly take care of yourself on difficult days, we have collected together insight to nourish your soul – on everything from mindful adult play, and indoor gardening, to easing the burden of decision-making, and creating your own spa experience at home.

As daunting as things might feel, know that we can get through this – and you don't have to do it alone.

Og Mandino said: "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars."

We hope you find your light in the dark.

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

Features 18 Find your dawning

We speak to real people about the moment they overcame challenges, and moved into the light of a new era

32 Eight psychosis myths

We break down common misconceptions, and discover the truth behind the condition

47 Jamie Windust

The non-binary editor, writer, and model shares their journey with self-expression and acceptance

51 Lego of stress

How adult fans of Lego are picking up the pieces of good mental health

79 Jack Garratt

The singer-songwriter opens up about learning to live with his negative emotions

The Uplift 8 In the news 13 The wellbeing wrap 15 What is cute aggression?

Ever found something so adorable that you want to squeeze, crush, or bite it?

Here's the science that explains why

90 Feel-good mantras

Culture 31 Picture this

Vision boards and how to use them

60 Kind in mind

Don't miss this month's top book picks

82 Things to do in June

Life Stories

Lifestyle and Relationships

39 Adam: stepping up

26 Stop the spiral

Adam was thrown into fatherhood when his partner unexpectedly gave birth. While he initially sank into depression, he came out stronger

71 Victoria: forging a future

When Victoria first received a diagnosis of fibromyalgia, she thought the future looked bleak. But with time, she built up the emotional strength to thrive

87 Sharon: a new normal

The day her son took his own life was the day Sharon's world fell apart. From mindfulness to reaching out to others, she's slowly rebuilding

Columnist Grace Victory talks bad days, and honouring our emotions

35 Good relations

With expert advice, we look at how to have conversations about MH with your family

42 How to tackle loneliness 56 The sex effect

The wellbeing perks of turning things up a notch in the bedroom

61 The power of expression

We speak to Jessica Blackler, founder of a gender-free makeup brand

Our team EDITORIAL

Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer Tia Sinden | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer Grace Victory | Columnist Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator Emma Boast | Designer

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus PR Officer alice.greedus@happiful.com

CONTRIBUTORS

Fiona Thomas, Erica Crompton, Katie Conibear, Caroline Butterwick, Jamie Windust, Jenna Farmer, Shahroo Izadi, Adam Bucklow, Victoria Smith-Gillard, Sharon Truesdale

SPECIAL THANKS

Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Smita Rajput Kamble, Lucy Fuller, Beverley Hills, Sonal Shah, Dr Daniela Hecht, Christine Locher, Ilse Passet, Deborah Holder

Happiful Hacks 28 Overcome decision fatigue

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

44 Stay in touch, creatively 74 Challenge the status quo

SUBSCRIPTIONS

84 When weddings are on hold...

Wellness 24 The brainwave

How sound can help us to relax

54 DIY spa

Steps for creating the ultimate spa day, all from the comfort of your own home

76 A breath of fresh air

Bring nature into your home with these indoor plants to brighten up your space

For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

Food & Drink 64 Take a leaf of out this

Three tasty, refreshing salads bursting with protein to fuel your day

67 Under the skin

From eczema to acne, how can good nutrition help us to improve the condition of our skin?

CONTACT

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

Expert Panel One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet.

Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and therapy.

Rav's review It is inevitable in life that we will face many challenges that test our confidence, self-worth, and happiness.

The key is how we respond to these moments – an aspect we explore in this month's issue. The article on p18 is an inspiring way to bring this together, through sharing people’s real life ‘dawning’ experiences of how they pushed through personal challenges, to come out the other side stronger. It all starts with self-love, acceptance, and cultivating care for your true self. You have the power to create such change, and it comes from within.

Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

ANDREW MAJOR

SMITA RAJPUT KAMBLE

HPD DSFH

MBACP Accred BPC REGD

Andrew is a solutionfocused clinical hypnotherapist.

Smita is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist in private practice.

BEVERLEY HILLS

LUCY FULLER

MA PG Cert Dip MBACP

PGCE MEd MA UKCP MBACP

Beverley is a relationship counsellor and psychotherapist.

Lucy is a child, adolescent, Couples and parenting counsellor & psychotherapist.

DR DANIELA HECHT

SONAL SHAH

CPsychol AFBPs

BSc (hons)

Daniela is a psychologist, EMDR therapist, and university lecturer.

Sonal is a nutritional therapist, health tutor, and director of Synergy Nutrition.

CHRISTINE LOCHER

GRAEME ORR

FRSA FLPI

MBACP (Accred) BACP Reg Ind

Christine is a decision coach for professionals looking to enhance their careers.

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

SHAHROO IZADI

ILSE PASSET

BSc MSc MBPsS ACT

B.Comm

Shahroo is a behaviour change specialist with her own private practice.

Ilse is a transformational coach and life purpose expert.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

RACHEL COFFEY

DEBORAH HOLDER

BA MA NLP Mstr

Sound Therapy Dip, BACP

Rachel is a life coach encouraging confidence and motivation.

Deborah is a counsellor and sound therapy practitioner.

Find help

Reader offer

CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

Print

Head to happiful. for more com se and supprvices ort

GENERAL LISTENING LINES

ENTER CODE:

SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

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p18

FIND A LIFE COACH NEAR YOU Search for qualified life coaches in your area, and browse free articles and information at lifecoach-directory.org.uk

p32

LEARN MORE ABOUT PSYCHOSIS Find out more about psychosis, and download a free fact-sheet by heading to rethink.org and searching 'psychosis'.

p39

MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT FOR MEN Access support for issues that affect men, and join in with Men's Health Week (15-21 June) at menshealthforum.org.uk

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DISCOVER HELP FOR BEREAVEMENT To get support for bereavement, head to cruse.org.uk, or call their free helpline on 0808 808 1677

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

Find your

dawning moment

JUNE 2020 £4.00

Between the sheets

Sex therapists' secrets to spice up your love life

Feel inspired by those who have overcome their greatest challenges

DECISION CONFIDENCE

ways to nourish your wellbeing

DIY HOME SPA

The self-care edition

06

9 772514

373000

HAPPIFUL.COM

CONNECT CREATIVELY

Psychosis myths debunked Stigma ends here. We sort the fact from fiction

Cover illustration

by Charlotte Reynell

Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC® certified sources. The FSC® label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited.

The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values.

Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however if you would like to pass on your feedback or have a complaint about Happiful, please email us at feedback@ happiful.com. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties. Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and registered in England and Wales with company number 05489185 and VAT number GB 920805837. Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL.

Competitions and prize draws!

Visit happiful.com In light of the Covid-19 social-distancing guidelines, our June issue has been brought together from the Happiful team’s home-office set-ups. Overcoming the distraction of cute Happiful pets, the temptation of WFS (work from sofa), and the unique challenges of video conference calls, we’re proud to bring you our second issue created entirely remotely. For as long as we can, we will work tirelessly to continue to offer you the print edition of Happiful, but if anything changes, we will be in touch.

For now, take care, stay safe, and enjoy the read.

Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing. Offer expires 16 July 2020.

For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

RELATIONSHIPS

Discussing MH brings couples closer together

The Uplift

You’ve got this ‘dating thing’ down, you’ve had the ‘what are we’ conversation, and you know the names of their childhood pets – but when’s the right time to talk about your mental health? According to a study from Superdrug Online Doctor, the sooner the better, as having a deep and meaningful chat about our mental health could help us bond.

That said, opening up about mental illness isn’t easy, and the study found that people wait an average of nine months before having the big talk. But we might be holding back without good reason, as 83% of respondents said their partner reacted positively when they did discuss it, with a further 74% revealing that the communication actually brought them closer together.

Sharing the strategies which helped them to deal with mental health conditions in relationships, respondents said the most important things were communication, mental health education, and medication management.

Speaking about the results of the study, Superdrug Online Doctor said: “For individuals living with mental health challenges, our results offer a hopeful view of what is possible with a loving partner. Although disclosing a mental health disorder to a significant other can require true courage, the majority who do so receive a positive response.”

So, could love really conquer all? Head to p35 for more insight on how to open up about our mental wellbeing to loved ones.

Writing | Kat Nicholls

COMMUNITY

Care home spreads cheer with child’s message of support

CHARITY

Man completes marathon – in his living room Peter Cooper tied up his laces in the name of charity Coming up with things to do in lockdown has been a challenge for many of us, but one man has hit the ground running as he completed a full marathon in his living room.

Cheered on by his wife Amy, who provided fluids from the sofa, Peter Cooper – originally from Devon – ran 5,250 laps of his Hong Kong flat, completing the marathon in just over four hours. It’s no mean feat in itself, but in just 24 hours Peter also raised an incredible £4,000 for his two charities: Mind and Cardiomyopathy UK. But beyond a test of endurance and focus, there was a personal reason behind Peter’s challenge. In 2016, Peter’s mum, Marilyn, died of a heart attack shortly after running

a half marathon. Later, tests found that she had Arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy (ARVC) – a type of cardiomyopathy that affects how blood is pumped around the heart, causing abnormal heart rhythms.

“I wanted to do something positive in her memory by helping Cardiomyopathy UK to keep supporting those living with the disease, and raising awareness of symptoms,” Peter says, when reflecting on the challenge. “I want to help other people and their families going through a similar situation.”

It’s an inspiring achievement, and an impressive effort. So, 5,250 laps of the living room – who’s up next?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

We could all do with a little boost in positivity right now and, thankfully, one Surrey care home has delivered just that.

After putting out a call for kids to send artwork to cheer up residents, the Huntington & Langham Estate decided to share the messages with the local community, by using a billboard to showcase them.

For the residents, one drawing in particular stood out – a piece by seven-year-old Faith, whose greatgrandmother is a resident, reading: ‘We want to keep you safe!’ By turning Faith’s art into a billboard, the Huntington & Langham estate aimed to show their thanks for the words of support they’ve received, and highlight the ongoing need for residents to forego family visits throughout the crisis.

Director of the Estate, Charlie Hoare, said: “Our call for artwork received a tremendously positive response, so we felt it only right that we projected that positivity back into our community. Faith’s words summed it up; these restrictions are about keeping people safe.”

Many of us across the country are feeling the reduction in meaningful interactions, but this latest message of positivity is a reminder: we’re all doing our part to keep each other safe.

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

June 2020 • happiful.com • 9

SUPPORT

Volunteer therapists offer free support to those struggling during coronavirus outbreak In a huge act of kindness, more than 600 therapists have come together to voluntarily offer their expertise and skills to help those in need through a new, free initiative: the Help Hub. Designed to connect anyone struggling emotionally due to the coronavirus with qualified therapists, from the comfort of their own home, psychotherapist Ruth Chaloner initially founded the project to create support in her local area of Oxford.

But demand for online counselling is higher than ever before – with Counselling Directory seeing an increase of more than 1,000% in searches for ‘online counselling’ when lockdown began in March. After several high-profile interviews, Ruth responded to this growing demand by expanding the project.

Speaking on Happiful’s podcast, ‘I am. I Have’, Ruth explains how the Help Hub can provide gentle support.

“It’s there for you to express your fears, and have somebody who knows how to listen, carefully help you through them.”

Anyone in the UK who has access to a phone or the internet can book a free 20-minute slot to speak with a therapist through the Help Hub website. Aimed at those who need support, but especially anyone with limited contact due to the coronavirus, the Help Hub is the listening ear many of us need right now.

Find out more at thehelphub.co.uk

Writing | Kat Nicholls

June 2020 • happiful.com • 11

Take 5 Virtual Quiz

When you can’t be with your loved ones in person, having some fun by playing games, and getting overly competitive, across online platforms will have to do. Personally, we’ve lost count of the number of Zoom quizzes we’ve done in the past few weeks, so to make those virtual hang-outs easier, we’ve taken the prep-work out of it for you. Here’s a little pub quiz we’ve put together just for you. Thinking caps at the ready!

ROUND 1: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Mara Wilson played the title character in which film based on a Roald Dahl novel?

‘Feed the birds’ was sung by Julie Andrews in which 1964 film?

If America has the Tony Awards, what does the UK have?

Who is not throwing away his shot?

Elton John wrote the original soundtrack to which animated film?

Emojis | emojipedia.org

For a bonus point, can you work out the theme connecting these five answers?

ROUND 2: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

What is the name for a shape with eight sides?

What language is the most spoken on the continent of Africa?

What was Superman’s greatest weakness?

What is the name of the narcissistic villain in Beauty and the Beast?

If someone has coulrophobia, what are they afraid of?

For a bonus point, the first letter of each answer can be rearranged to make an animal.

Can you work out what it is?

ROUND 3: EMOJI-NARY Can you decipher the film names described by the following emojis?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

How did you do? Search 'freebies' at shop.happiful.com to find the answers, and more!

The

wellbeing wrap Animal shelter in Chicago runs out of dogs to adopt – for the first time ever!

Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey, donates $1 billion to Covid-19 relief fund

Sir David Attenborough is teaching geography as part of the BBC’s virtual schooling

Holey moley

Great news for the planet!

The largest ever hole in the ozone layer has closed.

The hole above the Artic was originally the size of Greenland, and was caused by a polar vortex this spring. Thankfully, the weather seems to have solved the problem as well though. A hole in one.

We all deserve a treat now and then, but if you’re prone to feeling guilty after a glass of wine, or chocolate snack, we have some good news! A study from Exeter and Brighton Universities has found that both these products have antiageing properties, so it’s not all bad – chin, chin!

50 FIRST DATES

Inspired by the 2004 film, a real-life Romeo has recreated past dates for his girlfriend after she lost her memory. Jonathan Wilson dated Sophie Clayton for two years, when she suffered a nosebleed that triggered a functional neurological disorder, resulting in significant memory loss. But he wasn’t about to give up on their future, just because she couldn’t recall the past. He created albums of their key moments, and took her to visit special places from dates. Adam Sandler’s got nothing on Jonathan!

On 6 April a landmark new law was introduced to tackle puppy farming in the UK. Named after Lucy, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, who was rescued from a puppy farm in Wales, the law looks to encourage people to get pets from rescue centres or licensed Call breeders only.

on me

A recent study in the journal Neurology has revealed that “telephone-based cognitive therapy” can help to lessen depression symptoms in those with Parkinson’s disease.

Although it’s a movement disorder, it’s estimated that 50% of patients also have depression, meaning these findings could be a vital lifeline for patients.

Icons | shutterstock.com, Font Awesome: fontawesome.com

FOR HE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW

89-year-old grandma from Chicago has sewn 600 PPE masks

Rock on!

A dad has transformed his staircase into a climbing wall for his sons in lockdown

As if we didn’t already love Captain Tom Moore enough (now honorary Colonel), on top of his record-breaking fundraising activities, Tom is donating more than 1,000 gifts he received for his 100th birthday to survivors of coronavirus. What a hero.

FORMER POLICEMAN PERCY MANN, 102, SHOWS A LITTLE EXERCISE GOES A LONG WAY. HE’S KEEPING EVERYONE ENTERTAINED WITH DAILY DANCE VIDEOS ON TIKTOK FROM HIS CARE HOME IN GLASGOW - AND HIS FAMILY LOVE IT!

Lucy’s Law

DARE TO BARE

Friends forever

Flamingos may not spring to mind as the most similar animal to humans, but new research reveals we do have a trait in common. Like us, flamingos have been found to make long-lasting and loyal friendships, according to a study published in the journal Behavioural Processes.

While makeup can be a creative outlet, and a great form of self-expression, it’s important that it empowers us, rather than controls us. And it seems that since lockdown, more of us than ever are comfortable with embracing our natural looks. A survey commissioned

by Skin Proud found that 73% of women felt comfortable in their own skin, and 69% of respondents are now wearing less makeup than usual. Bare-faced or made up, it’s that confidence that shines through.

Photography | Dani Bayuni

“

To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance

14 • happiful.com • April 2020

– OSCAR WILDE

cute aggression?

What is

Writing | Fiona Thomas Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Have you ever had the urge to pinch chubby-cheeked babies, or squeeze adorable puppies? Don’t worry, it’s a completely natural response, and here we’ll explain why...

E

very time my friend sends me a picture of her baby, I feel my shoulders tense up.

I’m not worried or anxious, in fact I normally sport a joyous grin as soon as I catch a glimpse of his teeny smile, or his boopable pink nose. But the rest of my body has a physical reaction.

My knee-jerk response is to groan loudly, grit my teeth, and throw my phone across the room. Once I’ve composed myself and fished my phone out from under the sofa, I almost always text back the same reply: I CAN’T HANDLE IT. HE’S TOO CUTE. I can’t explain the mixture of emotions. I love the little squishy angel so much that I have to look away. It’s like I’m worried I’ll become hypnotised by the lone tuft of wispy blonde hair on his head, or by the innocence in his bright blue

eyes. The cuteness is just too much for me to bear.

You’ve probably felt something similar yourself, or witnessed it in other people. Maybe you’ve been reunited with a loved one, so pleased to see them that you’ve cried and hugged them so tight that it hurt.

Maybe you have a dog-loving friend who smooshes the face of every puppy she meets. Maybe you’ve watched in concern as your granny squeals: “I could just eat him right up!” as though it’s entirely normal to want to nibble on a baby’s li’l toeseywoesies. >>>

BIOLOGICAL BLUEPRINT Well the truth is, it is entirely normal. Yep, there’s an official term for the way that your auntie used to pinch your chubby little cheeks just that bit too hard. It’s called ‘cute aggression’ and it’s defined as the urge to squeeze, crush, or bite cute things without any desire to cause harm.

Most of us look at babies and instinctively find them cute, and experts say this is because certain infant characteristics (like a large head and a cuddly body) literally change our behaviour.

Animal behaviour expert Konrad Lorenz dubbed these infantile traits ‘baby schema’, and said that they motivate us to take care of the child, serving an important evolutionary function by keeping vulnerable babies safe, and increasing the likelihood of survival. In modern times, the concept has even been used by some marketers to make products more appealing. Just think about how many brands adopt a baby animal as their mascot, such as the Andrex puppy, for example.

DISPOSING OF AGGRESSION So, an affection for cute features is in our biological blueprint, but what about this unprovoked urge to crush every little doggo that comes our way? Well, although it might feel unnatural to think about squeezing, pinching, or grabbing a vulnerable pet or small child, it’s really nothing to worry about. According to psychoanalytic psychotherapist Smita Rajput Kamble, cute aggression invites play and has a useful function.

She says: “It is a playful way of disposing of aggression, which could have otherwise been 16 • happiful.com • June 2020

potentially uncomfortable. For example, soft-boxing someone without making real contact.”

Interest in cute aggression arose as the result of research published in 2014 by Oriana Aragón and Rebecca Dyer. Participants were shown a series of photographs of babies, and their expressions recorded. The babies who had the cutest features – round faces, big eyes – elicited cute aggressive responses. Alongside the aggression (fist-clenching, gritted teeth) participants simultaneously displayed caregiving emotions, and reported they had the urge to look after the baby.

AVOIDING JOYFUL OVERLOAD There are some interesting hypotheses about why on earth we feel the urge to squish little puppy faces even though we find them cute. The first is that our brains aren’t very good at appraising positive events, or thinking about them from a negative perspective.

The second is that we have less experience suppressing positive emotions, and this is the best defence that we have. The third is that on a practical level, removing ourselves from a positive situation (which is, psychologically speaking, an effective way to regulate strong

This contradictory behaviour helps balance out our emotions when they suddenly get to a point where they are unmanageable positive emotions) simply isn’t feasible. A parent can’t step away from their duties as a caregiver, but they can display cute aggression to dampen the overwhelming feelings of joy which could otherwise leave them incapacitated.

The research certainly suggests that the involuntary response serves a function. In the baby picture experiment previously mentioned, those who displayed cute aggression were better at recovering from the intense, overwhelming feelings than everyone else. Playful pinching, or even just gritting your teeth, can arguably help to restore your emotional balance.

EMOTIONAL BALANCE If you’re someone who experiences cute aggression on a regular basis (about half of all adults do) then

the chances are you give off various dimorphous expressions to help stabilise your emotions. You’re probably the kind of person who cries happy tears in the cinema or screams like a banshee when you see your favourite band live on stage. It’s your way of coping with the rollercoaster of emotions that life throws at you.

NO HARM INTENDED This disconnect between emotions and behaviour is widely recognised by psychologists as dimorphous expression.

Dimorphous expression refers to someone experiencing a strong emotion, such as happiness, and yet expressing the opposite emotion, such as sadness.

This could be crying when you are experiencing joy, or laughing in an upsetting situation.

Studies suggest that this contradictory behaviour helps balance out our emotions when they suddenly get to a point where they are unmanageable. Have you ever lost someone close to you, and yet found yourself laughing with friends about a funny memory you

have of them? This unconscious response brings us back to a sense of normality more quickly than if we had fully succumbed to the strong feeling.

They say that when you master your emotions you will be the master of your own reality, and cute aggression is just one – albeit a very interesting – example of how we naturally keep those emotions in check. Of course, many of us also employ unhealthy coping mechanisms such as physical aggression or substance abuse. But there are many effective techniques out there – such as talking, exercising, resting, and writing – which help us regulate the complicated emotions we experience as humans.

Thankfully, cute aggression has no real threat. In fact, it probably means that you just really, really want to hug a dog.

Smita Rajput Kamble is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist in private practice. She also supervises trainees and qualified counsellors in Bedford Counselling Foundation.

Fiona is a freelance writer and author whose book, ‘Depression in a Digital Age’, is out now. Visit fionalikestoblog. com for more.

June 2020 • happiful.com • 17

dawning Find your

moment

What does it feel like when, following a period of emotional darkness, the sun rises again?

We speak to five people about the moment of clarity that followed unprecedented challenges Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

F

or some, it will happen early on in life – like a neatly-tied coming-of-age film. For others, it comes later, following falsestarts, unparallelled challenges, and depleting moments of hopelessness. I’m talking about the moment everything changed, the moment we discovered our value, our confidence, and our power.

Maybe you have an image of what loving yourself unconditionally could look like, but the components to that

Artwork | Charlotte Reynelll

kind of attitude feel just out of reach.

But after being shut out in the dark, something changes. The sun rises and suddenly everything is clear. It’s the start of a new day, a new era in your life. The pain, struggle, and doubt from before evaporates as you are flushed with clarity.

This is your dawning.

But what does this look like for real people, with real-life challenges? We speak to five individuals about the moment that changed everything.

Sarah: The love I deserve Dawning Noun A term to describe the moment of personal clarity and realisation we experience, following a period of uncertainty and challenge.

Lauren: Embracing my power “How’s the weather up there?” It’s a phrase that followed Lauren Marina for many years. At 6ft 3in, Lauren had been faced with constant fascination surrounding her height – everything from naivety to teasing, and intrusive questions.

“My sense of body confidence entirely circled around my height.

It was what the outside world saw first about me, and so I felt rejected and completely unattractive,” Lauren shares.

But everything changed when, one night at a gig, Lauren discovered the punk band The Distillers – she remembers how the “cool-as-

f*ck” frontwoman, Brody Dalle, performed with a “billowing confidence”.

Lauren idolised Brody’s selfpossession, as well as her tattooed aesthetic. Over the next decade, Lauren began collecting her own inkings. “From blooms of big pink peonies on my chest, to a dagger cutting through a blood orange on my arm – along this process of being tattooed, I’ve found each new piece enables a new level of selfconfidence. Tattooing counteracts the years of discontent I felt for my body – I’m recarving and embellishing myself the way I want to be.”

Her height and her tattoos make Lauren feel powerful. She senses and embraces her presence in a room, and no longer wants to shrink into the shadows.

“I created my own patterned vessel to sail this life in. Of course, our outwards-facing image isn’t everything. I have values and morals that I hold with integrity, an abundant flow of creativity, and emotional gentleness that makes me happy to be me. But I am grateful to now stand at ease with the mirror too.”

Follow Lauren’s Instagram @laurenmarina

For as long as she can remember, Sarah Miles has struggled with selfconfidence. For five years, she was in an emotionally abusive relationship with her ex-partner – who took advantage of her low self-esteem, convincing her that no one else would ever want her.

“Our relationship ended badly – he left me with everything to sort out, including selling our joint home,” Sarah explains. “Two months after our relationship ended, my dad passed away very suddenly. I had never felt so lost, lonely, or low.”

But things changed when Sarah sold the home she had shared with her ex and, literally, closed the door on the past.

“I care about myself now,” says Sarah. “I do what I want, when I want, and with who I want. I am not fully there yet, but for the first time in forever, I feel confident.

“I’ve learned that people will love me, and that when I’m ready to be in another relationship, it will be with someone who loves and respects me for the person I am right now, because that is exactly what I deserve.”

Follow Sarah’s blog at beautyaddict32.co.uk >>> June 2020 • happiful.com • 19

Lee: Turning inwards For Lee Chambers, it began when he had a breakdown at university.

“I struggled to define myself as an adult, as a man, and understand my thoughts and feelings,” recalls Lee. “I spent the next nine years trying to find that inner-trust and understanding of myself.”

In 2012, Lee’s son was born. The same year, he and his partner married and bought their first home, soon finding out that they were expecting their second child.

Despite this, Lee’s confidence was still almost non-existent. And things very quickly took a turn for the worse.

On an ordinary Thursday, Lee’s wrist swelled up and locked in place. By the following Wednesday, he had been admitted to hospital,

unable to walk or look after himself as the symptoms spread across his body to other joints.

Never fully diagnosed, but categorised as having a type of autoimmune arthritis, for Lee, recovery was a marathon over many months, as he had to learn to walk again. But during that time, he looked at the patterns that had followed him throughout his life, picking apart where things went wrong, when it dawned on him: he had, and could continue to, overcome the challenges that came his way.

“The day I walked a mile unaided, that was my moment,” Lee says. “I was my authentic self, I had confidence in my ability to overcome challenges.”

An environmental psychologist and wellbeing consultant, Lee now dedicates his time to helping others. “I’ve learned that when you live authentically, you don’t need to be confident, it resonates inside you – even when you show vulnerability. Happiness comes from within.”

Ashley’s mum unexpectedly passed away when she took her own life.

“It was a complete shock and sent me into a tailspin. I put everything in my life on hold and went back to Vancouver to be with my family.

“Eventually, I came back to London and have slowly, over the past months, tried to adjust to continuing on without my mum. I’ve been feeling my way out of the dark with the help of family, my amazing partner, and therapy.”

In the middle of this, Ashley and her partner got the joyous news that they had a baby on the way. She now reflects on how her initial dawning moment

equipped her for the challenges that were yet to come.

“While it has been a real challenge to hold both grief and joy at the same time, and to start to emerge from a very dark place,” Ashley says, “I truly believe that I would not have been able to survive the past year without the insights and changes that I’ve made in the past.”

Ashley: A look in the mirror Ashely | Olivia Bossert Photography

In early 2017, Ashley Groom had lost her job and just been dumped.

“But by chance, I caught myself crying in the mirror and felt like I didn’t recognise the reflection,” Ashley explains. “That was my dawning moment – when the thought flashed into my mind that I just needed to stop.”

Ashley started to take her needs seriously. She read books, took herself to museums and talks, and invested in working with a career coach. In 2019 she met her partner, and started working on her fashion brand, Monuriki. But in July,

Nothing compares to being able to be radically honest about who you are Stacey: Radically me Since her early teens, Stacey KellyMaher has lived with depression and anxiety. When she thinks back to those times, she sees herself growing up in a world that isn’t always kind to girls, leading so many to develop unhealthy relationships with their bodies and themselves.

When she was 17, Stacey dropped out of sixth form following a depressive episode. In the six months she spent at home, she discovered online communities,

The right state of mind Transformation coach Ilse Passet says that cultivating a dawning moment is all about tuning in.

“Mindset is at the top – practise seeing challenges as moments of growth. Re-wire your brain to see the lesson in adversity.

Honouring your needs doesn’t only grow your self-confidence and self-love, but also helps you grow as a person.”

where she learned about feminism and activism, which she says helped her to find her own purpose and a fresh perspective.

“Accepting being a lesbian is probably the best thing to ever happen for my happiness, because nothing compares to being able to be radically honest about who you are,” Stacey explains. “The more community I’ve found, the more I’ve worked to support my communities, the more at peace I’ve become.”

At the core of her confidence is Stacey’s understanding that she has to have her own back.

“I need to continue to be gentle with myself – that’s part of the package with chronic mental illness and any kind of sustainable change,” she says. “Self-love is never finished, there is no peak

confidence level (although I am aware that I’m sensational), and I’ll always need to keep finding a balance between doing the work and taking care of myself.”

Though they all take different forms, our journeys through adversity unite us.

There may be days where we want to throw in the towel, and when the dark and the unknown will feel

unimaginably heavy. But whether it’s through tuning in, or reaching out, the sun will rise again. And when we find our dawning, and we come out the other side, it will be clear, bright, and beautiful.

June 2020 • happiful.com • 21

Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in – BRENÉ BROWN

Brené | brenebrown.com

DARE

GREATLY Searching for inspiration? Look no further than Brené Brown...

As a ‘New York Times’ bestselling author, a research professor at the University of Houston, and with one of the most viewed TED talks in the world, Brené Brown’s insight has inspired millions. With her background in academia, and specialising in topics such as vulnerability and shame, Brené’s words empower us to find the courage to embrace how we truly feel, and to follow our own path.

Watch: ‘The power of vulnerability’ TED Talk by Brené Brown, available on YouTube.

With more than 13 million views, this is a funny, insightful, and certainly memorable talk sharing findings from her research, as well as Brené’s personal quest to truly know herself, and humanity – “our ability to empathise, belong, love”.

Read: Daring Greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead by Brené Brown (Penguin Life, £9.99) In a world where we so often strive to appear perfect, Brené explores our natural instinct to fight against feeling uncertain and exposed, and challenges convention by highlighting the true strength that can be found in embracing our vulnerability, and having the courage to be ourselves.

Listen: ‘Unlocking Us’ podcast, available on iTunes.

The key to Brené’s 2020 podcast? Authenticity. She discusses with raw honesty what it really means to be human, in all its unpolished, messy, and magical glory. It’s the connections between us as humans that are truly special, and in each episode Brené explores the emotions and experiences that give our lives meaning.

Healing sounds Brainwaves, soundwaves, and binaural beats – what does it all mean, and how can we use sound to relax?

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s I write, I’m listening to ‘Dreamcatcher’, composed by Robert Foster – a piece of music on the Calm app. There’s a landscape of sound created by instruments I can’t name. What I can name, however, is how I feel when I listen to it – calm, in control, and focused.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been enjoying an array of ‘relaxation’ music. Whether I’m writing at my desk or reading before bed, it’s fast becoming the soundtrack to my days.

While I’ve always known music has a profound effect on us, it wasn’t until I delved deeper into the science behind sound therapy that I understood how sound waves affect our brainwaves, and how we can utilise this relationship.

When exposed to these healing frequencies, the sound resonates within the mind and physical body, naturally releasing any emotional blocks and expanding consciousness 24 • happiful.com • June 2020

Writing | Kat Nicholls

It helps for us to first understand the main types of brainwaves: • B eta waves are associated with being alert. When we’re concentrating and analysing, we’re likely to be in a beta-dominant state.

•A lpha brainwave patterns are slower and longer in frequency.

When we’re in an alphadominated state we’re awake, but relaxed.

• T heta brainwaves take the relaxation deeper, and include lighter stages of sleep.

• F inally, delta waves are very slow, low-frequency, and are dominant when we enter into deep sleep.

Scientists have found that when we’re exposed to sound waves, our brain waves can be affected. This is a process called entrainment.

“This is when our brainwave activity naturally aligns with the sound’s rhythm, inducing a state of deep relaxation,” counsellor and sound therapy practitioner Deborah Holder tells me.

So, by listening to low-frequency sound waves we can encourage our brainwaves to slow, too. Another important factor is the presence of binaural beats. This is when you hear two tones, one in each ear, that have slightly different

frequencies. When this happens our brain processes a third beat at the difference of the frequencies.

If this difference is below 30Hz, it’s believed to reduce anxiety, encourage sleep, and even help manage pain.

While the science and understanding of this is relatively new and ongoing, sound therapy has been in place for centuries.

WHAT IS SOUND THERAPY? Deborah explains that sound therapy uses specially selected instruments with a high vibrational frequency and long resonance, such as singing bowls, gongs, and vocal toning in the form of chanting, humming, and singing.

“When exposed to these healing frequencies, the sound resonates within the mind and physical body, naturally releasing any emotional blocks, and expanding consciousness. It reduces brainwave activity and lowers heart rate, prompting the body to self-heal and rejuvenate.”

Described as an energy medicine, sound therapy has this effect on us because the cells in our body are sensitive to vibrations. If you’ve ever experienced a gong bath, you’ll no doubt know how this wall of sound feels physically and mentally.

We are all drawn to different frequencies, so follow your intuition WHAT CAN SOUND THERAPY SUPPORT US WITH? Deborah explains that sound therapy can help with anxiety, depression, insomnia, pain, and assist in the management of conditions such as fibromyalgia.

Research on how sound therapy helps is vast, and our knowledge continues to grow. Last year, musician Paul Masvidal released an album called Mythical Human Vessel, and says the tones used are ‘isochronic’ – a groundbreaking type of sound therapy that is believed to increase serotonin and alleviate depression.

However, researchers have noted that not everyone will respond in the same way, and further studies are needed to fully understand the effect of sound on the brain.

If you decide to try sound therapy for yourself, you’ll be taken through a short assessment so your treatment can be personalised.

“You’ll be screened for any risk factors, such as tinnitus, pregnancy, metal implants, and whether you have a pacemaker or epilepsy. It’s very important that sound therapy is used correctly with any of the above conditions,” Deborah explains.

Following the assessment, you’ll be asked to make yourself comfortable, and simply enjoy the sounds washing over you.

HOW TO UTILISE SOUND THERAPY AT HOME To open your ears to the world of sound therapy, try listening to sound-healing meditations.

You can find these on YouTube, or through apps – the Third Ear meditation app is a great one.

If you already have a meditation practice, you could experiment with adding an instrument such as a singing bowl, which Deborah says is great for grounding energy.

Or, she also recommends vocal toning to lift your vibration.

“Vocal toning uses seven tones based on vowels that are connected to the chakras – the energy centres in the physical body. Each tone resonates with a specific chakra. For example, ‘ee’ connects to the crown chakra at the top of the head, and ‘ah’ connects to the heart chakra.”

However you choose to use sound in your wellbeing practice, the most important thing is to follow what feels good to you. As Deborah says, “We are all drawn to different frequencies, so follow your intuition when choosing a sound healing instrument.”

Get listening, get healing, and welcome in those good vibrations.

Deborah Holder is a counsellor, Usui Reiki Master, and sound therapy practitioner. She is also the founder of Stepping Stones Crystal Reiki Sound.

June 2020 • happiful.com • 25

How to get through a bad day...wit h G race When we’re thrown into uncomfortable and unfamiliar territory, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, and for feelings to spiral. Before you know it, a bad day becomes a bad week – but there are ways to turn things around. Here, our columnist Grace Victory offers a comforting look into how we can respect these feelings, without letting them take over

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e are in unprecedented times and, for some of us, completely out of our normal routines. It can often feel like we are bombarded with Covid-19 talk on social media, on TV, and even in our homes. We can’t escape the reality of what is going on, and that can feel quite overwhelming, given we are also stuck physically as well. For some, households are small, dark, and have no outside space. For others, households are unsafe, and harbour violence and emotional abuse.

Self-isolation is not an easy feat by any means, and although some may find it less engulfing than others, I think it’s fair to say that most of us are having up and down days.

On the good days, I wake up and feel excited. What content can I create? What can I write about?

I might do a workout, or a face mask, declutter the living room, edit three YouTube videos, and binge-watch a Netflix show. Yes, yes, yes – it can make me feel on fire! But on the bad days it can be a lot of tears, brain fog, and – you betcha – absolutely zero ‘yes’ moments.

For so many of us, it’s easy to let that feeling persist, but it’s important to try to stop a bad day from turning into a bad few days, a bad week, or even a bad month.

While I believe it’s important to honour your feelings – regardless or whether they are positive or negative – I also think we have to recognise when enough is enough, and understand how we can turn things around.

So, you want to know how to get through a bad day? I’ve got you covered.

1 HONOUR YOUR FEELINGS The moment we suppress or diminish what we feel, the feelings grow and grow, and eventually explode. Just because a feeling is difficult or triggering doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be felt. During these moments we can learn so much from our own soul, as well as bring ourselves more clarity and self-awareness. While it may not always be safe to outwardly express these feelings (especially in difficult households during self-isolation), we should learn how to express these feelings to ourselves – with no judgement.

It’s a wonderful, spiritual practice to sit and feel, and sometimes we can recognise that our emotional pain is physical, too. When I feel overwhelmed, my neck and upper back ache, so sometimes I will notice the bodily sensations before the emotional.

2 CREATE INTERNAL STILLNESS Sometimes internal chaos can manifest out, and sometimes external chaos can manifest in. The best way to distinguish which is which, as well as calming yourself in order to figure out what you’d like to do with the chaos, is to create stillness. This can be achieved by meditation.

You don’t need to sit cross-legged and say ‘om’, but you do need to bring awareness to your breath, and connect to yourself. I often do this in the shower, because water is such a cleansing tool, and a great way to feel a sense of calm.

Another meditative task is cleaning; when I clean, I think of nothing but what I’m doing at that moment. So by the end of an epic cleaning sesh, I feel more grounded and present.

Try different activities to find your own thing!

@GRACEFVICTORY Just because a feeling is difficult doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be felt. During these moments we can learn so much from our own soul, as well as bring ourselves more clarity

Photography | JKG PHOTOGRAPHY

4 GET CREATIVE Playing with the arts and being creative is beneficial for the soul, but it’s also a tool to connect to your inner child. Paint, draw, colour, or papier mâché your feelings. Draw whatever is on your mind, or draw how you’d like to feel. Whenever I pick up a paintbrush, I’m drawn to nature and always paint water or trees, or both. The actual act of painting is enough to centre me, but creating a piece of art that is calming and still makes it even more worthwhile. Alternatively you could play board games, listen to music, or a podcast. Do something that takes little physical effort, but feeds your soul.

3 GET SOME ENDORPHINS When we’re feeling rubbish, the last thing most of us want to do is exercise, but it’s proven to be a great way to shift low mood and emotional stress. I’m not recommending a 45-minute HIIT class, but simply some form of movement. My friend, the author, speaker and life coach Michelle Elman, recommended The Fitness Marshall, and I’ve been hooked

ever since. It’s a YouTube channel that does three to five minute dance videos to your favourite artists. From Beyoncé to Demi Lovato, it’s a quick and simple way to get some movement in.

After three videos, your face is as red as a strawberry, but you can’t beat that post-workout feeling.

Alternatively, you could try yoga, a walk in nature, or put yourself out there and learn a TikTok dance.

5 SHOW GRATITUDE And lastly, write down a list of things you’re grateful for. Yes, you can still be grateful when everything feels uncertain.

Creating a gratitude list raises your vibrations, and can help bring you some comfort and relief.

Love Grace x

How to overcome

decision fatigue

Life can often feel like a long string of decisions. What to wear, what to have for dinner, how to reply to an email, or even what book to read next. Big decisions, small decisions, they all add up, and can become draining...

I

Writing | Becky Wright

don’t know about you but, sometimes, I can’t face making another decision. It doesn’t even have to be anything significant – after a long day, just choosing a new Netflix series can feel like the hardest choice in the world.

Well, it turns out there’s a reason for this. Decisions actually can feel harder to make, the more of them we have to make. In fact, according to a 2010 study in America, judges in court have been shown to make poorer quality decisions later in the day than they do in the morning. The fate of a defendant’s sentence might really depend on how many other cases the judge

28 • happiful.com • June 2020

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

has had to deliberate over – and whether or not they’ve eaten lunch.

It’s something even supermarkets are wise to. That’s why you’ll usually find sweet snacks displayed prominently at the checkout. Yes, just when we’re depleted after making all those decisions throughout the aisles, we can be

tempted easily with a snap decision to pick up a chocolate bar by the till.

No matter how rational you try to be, you can’t make decision after decision without paying a biological price. It’s different from ordinary physical fatigue – you’re not consciously aware of being tired – but you’re low on mental energy. The more choices you make throughout the day, the

Get decisive Try this coaching technique to improve self-reflection in decisionmaking, from life coach Christine Locher: “What are your biggest goals right now? How do you want to go about reaching them, in line with your core values? What is the legacy you would like to build? Once you are clearer about this, this is an excellent compass.

“Decisions are how these bigger picture goals become real (or not).

So, ask yourself with every decision: ‘Is this relevant to the bigger picture?’

“If yes, the core question is: does the decision I am about to make lead me towards what I care about? And, if no, streamline your choices so you don’t have to sweat the small stuff.

“If you keep doing this, over time things will start shifting in the right direction.”

harder each one becomes for your brain.

The thing is, we can’t expect to be good decision-makers simply by default – it comes from energy preservation, and we have to work at it. Here are some

The more choices you make throughout the day, the harder each one becomes for your brain tips to help you establish habits that eliminate the mental effort of making choices:

1 Plan daily decisions in advance

If there are decisions you have to make each day that you can find overwhelming, try making them ahead of time. So, instead of agonising over your wardrobe every morning, plan your outfits for a few days in advance. It’s the same reason Mark Zuckerberg wears a grey T-shirt and jeans every day – it’s one less complication in your day.

It’s about minimising the things you have to ponder over, to save your best decision-making for where it truly matters.

2 Make important decisions first

It might not always feel like it, but the morning is when your mind is at its most energised, so take advantage of that. Consider all your options carefully, then go with what your gut tells you. You’ll feel a sense of accomplishment that will set you up for the rest of the day.

3 Eat something

Of course, it’s not always possible to make decisions first thing in the day. One thing that can be avoided, though, is making decisions on an empty stomach – particularly if

you have to make decisions later in the day.

Give your brain the fuel it needs to focus on the task at hand. Feeling energised and replenished will give you the mental strength you need to feel confident in your choices.

4 Make commitments instead of decisions

Do you find that you lack motivation or commitment when you’re making choices for yourself? Well, instead of deciding every day whether or not to go to the gym, why not set up a regular workout session with a friend? Looking forward to a plan you’ve made with someone else takes deliberation out of the equation.

5 Delegate if you need to

If you really can’t make a decision, it’s OK to ask someone else. This could be as simple as asking your friend to pick the restaurant for dinner.

Instead of getting caught in a spiral of “I don’t mind, what do you think?”, be direct. “I don’t know where we should go for food – could you pick somewhere for us? I’m happy to go with your choice.”

When done right, delegating can empower people, and show them that you trust them.

June 2020 • happiful.com • 29

“

Taking care of yourself makes you stronger for everyone in your life… including you – KELLY RUDOLPH

Photography | Jen P

Dare to dream Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

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e all have a dream – whether it’s something we’ve always wanted to have, do, or be. But what can we do to help us achieve our heart’s desires?

If you’ve not explored them before, then you may not realise just how much vision boards can empower us to commit to what we want in life. And we know it works; athletes use visualisation to improve their performance – so, why can’t it work for the rest of us, too?

Yet according to one study by the University of California, we could be going about things the wrong way. Instead of setting our sights on our end goal, we should focus on how to achieve it. Dreaming big about a career change, country house, or oncein-a-lifetime vacation is all well and good... but if we put all of our time into the fantasy, it’s easy to forget the most important step: turning that dream into a reality.

Here’s a quick guide to get you started!

1 IDENTIFY WHAT YOU WANT Before you begin, take the time to ask: what do I really want? Find a quiet spot where you can reflect on different areas of your life, how they affect your wellbeing, and where you can imagine

yourself being in the future.

Listening to soft, calming music, or white noise, can help you tune out distractions.

2 FIND INSPIRATION ONLINE OR IN MAGAZINES Once you have a rough idea of what you want, it’s time for the fun part: picking out photos, pictures, words, or even quotes that call to you from your stack of magazines.

If you’re struggling and have a working printer, try searching online on sites like Pinterest for inspiration.

3 FOCUS ON HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL – NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO OWN Before you start working on your layout, think about your goals and how you will feel when they are complete. Do you hope to feel calmer, more confident, and in control? Perhaps you want to feel more satisfied and fulfilled in what you do?

4 CONSIDER THE STEPS YOU WOULD NEED TO TAKE TO GET THERE Once your board is ready, it’s time to start visualising the steps you need to take to succeed. What is holding you back – time, training, space, or even dedication? Once you identify this, you can focus on how you can overcome it, and

create a more concrete idea of the steps you can take towards your end goal.

5 SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS Ensure your vision board is somewhere you can clearly see it every day. By keeping your end goals – and the steps you need to take to achieve them – firmly in mind, you can turn your focus to making progress towards those dreams each and every day.

WHAT YOU’LL NEED: • Glue • Scissors • A posterboard, corkboard, or frame • A stack of magazines

8 Eight psychosis myths debunked Breaking down the prejudice and misconceptions around psychosis, and uncovering the truth behind this condition Writing | Erica Crompton

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eople with psychosis often say that the prejudice against psychosis is worse than the condition itself.

Whether it’s being dumped by a new beau, or getting fired from a job, the stigma around psychosis, and those with it, is rife.

In the literal sense, psychosis means ‘out of touch with reality’, and episodes aren’t usually constant. People might find they can tread water and lead happy, fulfilling lives, and yet still have ‘blips’ of psychosis that all-toooften mark out characters like an ink-blot on paper.

32 • happiful.com • June 2020

8

But with treatment (medications, and sometimes talking therapies) people with psychosis aren’t to be feared. We are just everyday people, trying our hardest to fit into the world around us. Many people with psychosis have jobs, families, homes, and pets.

Psychosis is a part of my schizoaffective disorder, and I’ve experienced episodes of psychosis three times over several months, during the course of two decades. I can still manage to work part-time as a journalist and guest lecturer, with my own home, and I’m mum to two adorable cats.

Psychosis isn’t something that’s held me back in my life, and I have a clean Disclosure and Barring Service (DBS) record. But other people’s views and fears of psychosis persist.

Here are eight common myths that I still battle with every day.

1 People with psychosis are dangerous or evil Whether it’s a thriller titled Psycho, or Batman’s jibe to the Joker in The Dark Knight Rises (he says: “You’re just a schizophrenic clown”), there’s a myth perpetuated by Hollywood that people with psychosis are evil, axe-welding maniacs. But despite fears, we now know people with psychosis are more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators, and only a tiny minority who experience severe hallucinations and delusional beliefs will go on to act on them, and occasionally cause harm to themselves or others.

2 It means you have multiple personalities There’s a really unhelpful myth that people with psychosis are like Jekyll

We are just everyday people, trying our hardest to fit into the world around us and Hyde – psychosis meaning ‘out of touch with reality’ has caused a lot of confusion. People with psychosis do sometimes experience delusions and hallucinations, but they do not have multiple personalities. That condition is known as dissociative identity disorder.

3 People with psychosis are all the same Psychosis isn’t a one-size-fits-all illness. Many people experiencing psychosis will see visions or hear voices that others don’t. However this isn’t the case for everybody.

Some people with psychosis, like myself, only experience ‘delusions’ – mine is that I’m Britain’s most wanted criminal. Other people with psychosis will have tactile hallucinations, such as the feeling that insects are crawling over them. However the symptoms present themselves, they are very often terrifying for the person with them, and very hard to live with.

4 People with psychosis look dishevelled I’ve lost track of the amount of people who’ve met me in person and commented: “You don’t look like someone with psychosis.”

Yes, during a crisis, self-care can be neglected, and I may be too anxious to wash my hair or put on makeup. But crises are rare once >>>

June 2020 • happiful.com • 33

Once out of a crisis, people can find talking therapies help – to understand more about their condition, why they have it, and how they can prevent it by identifying ‘early warning signs’ stable on medication, and for the bulk of time I can attend meetings or appointments with washed hair, clean clothes, and sometimes even makeup, too.

5 People with psychosis need to be locked away Even when I’m in crisis, I can usually manage to live by myself, and will only see my GP or psychiatrist for a check-up about once a week to monitor my medication and mental health.

Hospital stays tend to be reserved for more acute episodes, often after a suicide attempt and when the patient lacks awareness (known in psychiatry as ‘insight’). There are psychiatric assessment teams in A&E who can determine whether a stay in a mental hospital is needed.

While I’ve lived with psychosis for two decades now, I’ve only ever needed to be in hospital for one week, before stabilising on medication and then being discharged.

34 • happiful.com • June 2020

6 Psychosis is caused by drug use While psychosis can be induced by taking drugs, this certainly isn’t always the case. Nobody knows exactly what the causes of psychosis are, but it is likely to be due to both environmental and genetic factors, including stress, childhood adversity, brain chemistry, genetics, birth complications, or even harmful relationships.

7 There is no treatment for psychosis Antipsychotic medication is the mainstay treatment for psychosis and, once the right one is found, it can help many people to feel better, and dampen the delusions or hallucinations. Once out of a crisis and stable on medication, people can also find talking therapies help – to get people to understand more about their condition, why they have it, and how they can prevent it by identifying ‘early warning signs’.

8 People with psychosis can’t recover In the two decades I’ve lived with psychosis, I’ve lost a job and a handful of close relationships due to stigma around my condition.

However I’ve gone on to gain two degrees, in journalism and fine art. I’ve also been published in The New York Times and written my debut book. My personal life has also spiralled upwards too, having recently bought myself a little white cottage, and adopted two loving tomcats – Caspar and Winter.

Although we all need help and support to get through the more difficult times, people who have experienced psychosis can go on to live full, happy, and truly rewarding lives.

Erica Crompton is the co-author of ‘The Beginner’s Guide to Sanity: A Self-Help Book for People with Psychosis’ – written with Professor Stephen Lawrie (published by Hammersmith Health Books, £14.99).

How to talk to family about wellbeing and mental health Trying to explain your illness to those closest to you can be an intimidating challenge, so here’s some expert advice to help you get the conversation started…

H

Writing | Katie Conibear

owever much we love them, talking to family about our mental health can be hard work. It can be daunting to start a conversation about it, and even tougher to help them understand.

I was lucky. My family was there for me when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. However, even though my mum worked with children with mental illness, and my dad was a social worker, it still took them a long time to deal with the diagnosis. If your family has no experience of mental illness, it can feel like a monumental task to explain any of it.

Counsellor and psychotherapist Lucy Fuller says: “Whatever form mental illness takes, it is still an illness. If you had a heart problem, >>> June 2020 • happiful.com • 35

you would tell your family about it, how it affects you, and what they can do to help you while you are not well. It sometimes helps to think about mental health issues in the same way.

“Close family will always have a tendency to want you to be better as soon as possible, and often their intentions – although coming from a good and caring place – are not all that helpful.”

Because they can’t see what’s wrong, family members might have a harder time understanding.

I’ve found using a description or a metaphor works. I’ve explained bipolar disorder as a rollercoaster, or like waves in the ocean. Find a description that works for you. If they can picture something, it can help your family wrap their heads around the idea.

Break it down into chunks. For instance, give examples of past behaviour and tell them: “This was an episode of depression.”

Really stress how these symptoms have a profound effect on you. It will be hard work, and emotional, to explain everything, and will leave you feeling vulnerable. It’s important to tell loved ones how this makes you feel. Explain what it isn’t – for example, depression is more than just feeling low or fed up.

Lucy Fuller explains how family can support you. “They need to know from you that acknowledging your difficulties, and just being there for you, is important. They don’t need to try to fix you – that will come with time. They just need to be there for you, and show their love and support by accepting your mental state, and being able to be alongside you in your difficulties.”

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If they feel the need to fix the problem, involve them.

They’ll feel calmer about you being unwell, and will feel like they’re doing their bit to help. They’ll learn more about the condition, and if they feel partly responsible for you being unwell, it can help them deal with those feelings.

Take them along to see your doctor or psychiatrist. I regularly take someone from my family to appointments with me. It helps me, too. Family often notice something isn’t quite right with my behaviour before I even realise it. If I’m very ill, having someone else in the appointment helps because you can’t always process all the information you’re being given.

I had to tell my parents that they can’t fix me, but they can help Take them to support groups, or therapy sessions, if you can.

Share what you’ve learnt, and update them on how you’re managing. If they care about you, all your family want to hear is how they can help. Make a list of what they can do practically to help you. Give them information on who to call and what to do if you become ill. Explaining what your treatment involves can help alleviate their worries.

What I’ve found is that families, especially parents, are desperate to fix you. They want to stop you from feeling the way you do. They want an answer as to how you can be better again. And they want to know why you’re ill. And the problem with these questions is they’re either messy answers, or there isn’t one. I had to tell my parents that they can’t fix me, but they can help. My parents fretted for years that they’d done

What if they aren’t supportive?

If you need support Call Samaritans on 116 123 Find a local support group at mind.org.uk Look into family therapy at counselling-directory.org.uk

something wrong, that had caused me to be this way. I’ve had to reassure them that it’s OK, they didn’t do anything wrong.

It’s incredibly difficult to admit to family that something that happened to you when you were younger has contributed to you being unwell. Depending on your situation, it might not be possible to be completely truthful. It could cause more harm than good. You really have to judge the situation

Together-uk.org provides peer support and can advocate on your behalf MIND charity has an online support community called Elefriends (elefriends.org.uk) and do what you think is best.

Talk it through with a therapist, or someone you trust.

Lucy Fuller says: “If they still don’t get it, point them in the direction of some good literature, podcasts, or TV programs where they can learn more about mental health.”

This does happen, and can be heartbreaking when a close family member just doesn’t get it. It’s horrible to feel that someone in your family doesn’t – or isn’t willing to – understand. It can happen for a number of reasons. They might feel responsible, or they might not know how to talk to you, so push you away. They might have old fashioned beliefs.

Sometimes you can work with family to help them understand.

If they’re receptive, you can try to educate them. Share literature and links to websites you think they’ll find useful. If you go to a support group, invite them along. It will help them learn more about mental illness, and see you’re not the only one with the condition.

Unfortunately, sometimes none of these will work. It’s up to you what you then do. They might need more time to come around to the idea. Or maybe you know they will never accept it. This can be heartwrenching, so it’s important to lean on other people in your life. When we feel rejected or alone, the strain can make us very ill.

It sounds a bit cheesy, but you can make your own family. Real family are the people who support you, look out for you, and accept you regardless of what you’re going through. You don’t have to be related, or brought up by them.

You might not find your real family until you’re an adult. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and you can make yours look any way you want.

Katie Conibear is a freelance writer, who blogs at stumblingmind.com and has a podcast, ‘A Life Lived Vividly’, with a focus on hearing voices.

June 2020 • happiful.com • 37

“

Challenges make life interesting, however overcoming them is what makes life meaningful – JOSHUA J MARINE

Photography | Felipe Bustillo

TRUE LIFE

From zero to parenthood – in just three hours When his girlfriend unexpectedly gave birth to a baby girl, new dad Adam sank into a pit of fear, anxiety, depression, and inner conflict. But, by searching for reasons and answers, he has emerged stronger – and now uses hypnotherapy to help free others from their emotional shackles Writing | Adam Bucklow

I

had always said I didn’t want children. I knew nothing about them, had never even held a baby – and so I couldn’t have been less prepared for the phone call that was to change my life.

Looking back now, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I cannot imagine life not being a dad; but it took a lot of struggling, self-discovery, and moments of realisation, to get to that place.

It was 11 May 2015 when I was woken in the middle of the night by my phone ringing. Little did I know this one call was going to be the most important of my life.

It was my (now) motherin-law with the news that my girlfriend was in hospital. I felt sick.

What had caused her to be rushed into hospital in the middle of the night? My mind raced, my throat dried up, and then she announced the unexpected… My partner was in a delivery room, preparing to give birth!

I froze and could just hear heavy breathing getting louder and more thunderous. I stood up, began to get ready to make my way to the hospital, then dropped the phone on the bed – and at that instant, I buried myself deep inside.

This just didn’t make sense. My girlfriend had been working that day; we had been zip-lining the weekend before. She had no baby bump, she didn’t have morning sickness, she had been taking her contraceptive pill, and yet there I was driving to the hospital to be with the mother of my child. It just didn’t seem real.

When I reached the hospital, I was in a deep state of shock, but my girlfriend was going to need me – she would be so confused and scared, so I needed to be there for her. I again buried the emotions deep inside the chasms of my mind.

As I entered the delivery room, it was surreal.

There lay my beautiful girlfriend, in a hospital bed, wearing a gown. She was trying to convince the midwife that she would know if a living child was inside her! I put on my brave face, took a deep breath, and I ran towards her as the tears began.

Over the next few hours, I experienced every sort of emotion – ones I’d never felt before. There were so many questions, so many doubts, fears, and yet nobody seemed to be able to tell us anything about our baby. Was it a boy or girl, was our child healthy, full-term? >>>

June 2020 • happiful.com • 39

From the first moment I set eyes on my daughter and held her, I felt my heart melt Nurses were running in and out the room, and a monitor clearly showed something moving inside my girlfriend’s tummy.

Over the next few hours, I tried to come to terms with the situation. I held my partner’s hand, and made sure she felt supported. I was locked into that moment, and yet fear consumed every element of my being.

40 • happiful.com • June 2020

When our child was eventually born, it was an emotional experience.

My partner was amazing, I temporarily overcame a fear of blood, and from the first moment I set eyes on my daughter and held her, I felt my heart melt.

I was suddenly a dad to a healthy and happy baby girl. But now what?

She had no name, we had nothing for her,

and we weren’t even living together. But by midday, we had half of Mothercare in my living room! I remember the inner conflict I felt as I sat surrounded by bags of clothes, nappies, bottles, and mourned my old life, while also trying to accept and come to terms with my new one.

I didn’t eat for days, I couldn’t sleep. My life consisted of waiting for hospital visiting hours so I could go support my girlfriend and our baby. I was so lost.

Eventually my daughter and girlfriend were released from hospital.

Apart from losing my guitar room overnight, I had the perfect space for a nursery, and my

girlfriend moved in. Life became very different, very quickly. We worked together – she was so patient with me – and soon I was confident enough to change nappies, and hold my daughter more regularly.

The broken sleep was hideous; we were both so physically and mentally exhausted. The bottle feeds in the early hours were some of the loneliest and scariest times for me, as I tried to make sure that I shared responsibilities with my partner.

I quickly discovered that there wasn’t much support for dads. Every leaflet, house visit, and check-up focused on the mother – as they should.

But I remember thinking

I studied the mechanics of what causes anxiety, depression, even phobias, and decided I wanted to help others going through dark times

I was the other part of the equation, too, and had equally been affected.

This deep sense of fear, worry, and doubt eventually manifested itself in anxiety, and time alone with my daughter filled me with dread. What if I got her bath water the wrong temperature? I easily imagined scenarios that would scare me. All the while I was fascinated with how this could happen, and searched for answers, until one day I found one.

It was all to do with the conscious and the subconscious mind, and how as both minds weren’t aligned, the body bypassed the entire process. I became obsessed with the mind, and was ready

to uncover the emotions I’d buried. Instead of listening to the anxiety, I had tried to run from it – causing it to get louder. I needed to let it out.

I allowed the emotions, the feelings, and the memories to come flooding back, and they poured out of me. It was my therapy. It was my story, told from my point of view, with nothing spared, and I soon began to realise that I no longer felt anxious or depressed.

In fact, I could see clearly for the first time in a while. I remember hugging my daughter and thinking how I could now enjoy my new reality. I later self-published my story as an ebook, called 3-Hour Dad.

My obsession with the mind became stronger – I studied the mechanics of what causes anxiety, depression, even phobias, and decided I wanted to help others going through dark times.

So, I studied hypnosis, immersing myself in books, and took several online courses before saving enough money to attend a school and passing my diploma in clinical hypnotherapy with a distinction.

I set up Mindblocks Hypnotherapy Nottingham, and started to see clients living with from emotional blocks.

With my backstory, my understanding of the mind, and a flexible approach, I soon began helping people to feel better.

I have now helped more than 50 people, and love to deliver workshops to companies (which I always start with my own story) about the power of the mind. I enjoy breaking down the belief that there isn’t hope for people. I have discovered it is never

the event, but merely the meaning we attach to it.

They say in life you don’t discover your purpose; it discovers you. And it is fair to say without the beautiful miracle of my daughter, I wouldn’t be on this path.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Adam’s journey shows how we can be affected by change, even when it’s welcomed! We often struggle to adapt because our brains are naturally resistant to change as a means of keeping us safe – but this can heighten our anxiety, and trap us in cycle of negative thinking. However, as Adam discovered, understanding how the mind works is often the first step to taking back control of our anxiety.

Combining this knowledge with hypnotherapy gives you the tools and strategies to stay calm and resilient in times of change.

Andrew Major | HPD DSFH Hypnotherapist

June 2020 • happiful.com • 41

Ask the experts Dr Daniela Hecht answers your questions on overcoming feelings of isolation Read more about Daniela on counselling-directory.org.uk

Q

A

I’m feeling very alone right now, what can I do?

This is a challenging time, especially for outgoing people who like to socialise. Wanting to connect with others and be in their physical presence is what usually gets us going, so being socially distant can feel like the opposite of what you need.

Q

I live alone and am missing physical touch.

Is this normal?

A

Missing physical touch when you are living alone is a completely normal phenomenon. We are social creatures, and physical touch is part of that interaction.

Although many people who live on their own experience isolation regularly, these

But just because you’re not allowed to see friends and family in person doesn’t mean that you can’t see them at all.

Thanks to the internet, there are a huge variety of ways to connect. Try a Zoom hangout over virtual brunch, or a movie night from the comfort of your sofa with Netflix Party.

Catch up with your best friend over FaceTime, or give your family a call.

This is a good time to be imaginative, so try to find a way to bring your social circle near, even if you can’t be physically close. When you need a break from screens, open a window to see if your neighbour is around.

Have you ever introduced yourself? Perhaps you can help each other out in little ways, and once this is over you might have made some new friends along the way.

challenging times highlight the sense of loneliness that comes from not being able to physically get close to someone else.

There are ways that may help you soothe that need for physical contact, such as reaching out to friends and family. Seeing them via video may not be the same as seeing them in person, but it can help to alleviate that sense of isolation.

If talking to friends and family doesn’t provide you with the kind of physical comfort you crave, then give yourself a hug, or sit in a nice hot bath.

Pamper yourself with a self-massage, lather on that luxurious lotion you’ve been saving for a special occasion, and wrap yourself in your favourite blanket to give yourself that feeling of physical comfort.

Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Dr Daniela Hecht’s top tips for those craving connection 1. Remember that this is temporary. Social isolation will end, and you will be able to see your friends and family again.

2. Make use of the internet and social media – just because you can’t meet people in person doesn’t mean you can’t see them on other platforms; this is a time to be imaginative.

3. Be old fashioned – write a letter, stick your head out of the window and connect with a neighbour. Wave to someone across the street, or speak to a stranger who shares a queue with you (two metres apart, of course).

Q

My partner and I don’t live together and I’m finding it really difficult. How can we keep our connection while we’re separated?

A

Not being able to be with your partner in these difficult times must be really challenging. But just because you aren’t physically close, doesn’t mean that you can’t be connected emotionally. Not being in the same space

just means you may have to work harder to maintain that emotional closeness.

Communication is key – try to share what’s going on for you, talk about your fears, and discuss your day. If you usually have meals together then try to keep this up – have breakfast via Zoom, check-in throughout the day, and spend some time in the evening to recap.

You may find that you’re getting closer even though you’re not in the same space, because you’re not taking for granted that you know what the other is doing or thinking.

Creative ways to stay in touch Now more than ever, we truly value and appreciate how important it is to connect with others. But socialising isn’t just reserved for the digitallyminded. Here we uncover some refreshingly original ways to show someone you’re thinking of them…

Writing | Caroline Butterwick

S

taying in touch with friends and family isn’t just about being sociable – it’s something that actually supports our wellbeing. But not all our loved ones live close by, which can make meeting up for a meal, or popping round for a coffee, hard to do as often as we’d like. And right now, as coronavirus has us avoiding social contact in person, we’re all too aware of how much we can miss that connection with the people who mean most to us.

Fortunately, thanks to WhatsApp groups, Skype, and social media, there are great tools to help us keep in touch. But there’s something even more magical about reaching out to people in a creative way...

ZINES For the past few years, one of my close friends and I have made each other gifts to stay connected through living in different continents, various hospital stays, and the recent worldwide situation.

One of my favourites is spending hours crafting a handmade zine for her. I sew several folded sheets of thick paper together, and then fill the pages with things I know will resonate with her: a recipe for the vegan tiffin I brought to a picnic; a collage of Simpsons quotes; an ironic travel guide to the city where

44 • happiful.com • June 2020

Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

we both went to university (“Love pottery kilns? Love Stoke-onTrent!”). I enjoy putting it together, finding I get into the creative flow and relax, and she has the fun of reading it through, and laughing at the silly in-jokes.

read that brings your friend to mind, which you could share if you don’t fancy writing your own.

Writing and reading poetry can be therapeutic, and by sharing what you create with others, you’re adding even more meaning to it.

A CARE BOX Who doesn’t love opening a parcel full of wonderful things? If someone you care about is going through a hard time, or you just want to show you’re thinking about them, putting together a care package can be a lovely surprise.

You could include their favourite tea bags, scented candles, art supplies, fluffy socks… Anything you know they’ll love and will give them some comfort. And if you’re unable to get hold of some of their favourite items, you could always be creative and write them a letter, or print off a photo of you both. It doesn’t have to be expensive – it’s the thought that counts.

CONNECT USING MUSIC Music means so much to many of us. If you love strumming your guitar or writing lyrics, you could compose a song for your friend and record it. If you’re not up for writing your own, you could try sending each other song recommendations, or making a playlist for them, meaning you can share music together, no matter the physical distance between you.

WRITE A POEM If you love using language, try penning a poem for your friend.

Whether heartfelt or funny, it will be sure to make them smile. You could handwrite it and post it to them, or record yourself reading it and send them the video. Or maybe there’s a poem you’ve

PRESSED FLOWERS Most of us are familiar with services that let us send a bouquet of flowers. But a cheaper and craftier version would be to pick flowers ourselves (being sure to act responsibly and never pick rare flowers in the wild) and press them, for our friends to keep. There are plenty of guides available for how to do this effectively, often using simple tools like paper and an old book. If you’ve been lucky enough to be given fresh flowers by someone, pressing is a great way of preserving them.

“ If you love using language, try penning a poem for your friend.

Whether heartfelt or funny, it will be sure to make them smile”

POSTCARDS I’ve always collected postcards on my holidays. But you don’t need to have travelled far to have an excuse to send one. Whether it’s a postcard featuring a print of your favourite painting you picked up from an art gallery, or an image of a beautiful landscape from a gift shop in town, there are plenty of options. When my friend was living abroad, I loved getting a postcard from her with interesting artwork and a short update.

ART I have a few friends who are gifted artists and who have sketched me beautiful pictures as presents.

Knowing they spent so much time and effort creating something they knew I’d love makes their artwork extra special to me, and takes pride of place on my wall. If you’re a pro with a paintbrush, consider making something for a friend.

And even if you’re an artistic novice, it’s the thought that counts – you could do a funny sketch or caricature instead.

RECIPE BOOKLET Cooking and baking can help us relax, and many of us love sharing food with others. But when you can’t have your loved ones round to eat, perhaps you could try doing the next best thing: share recipes. If you’re a keen cook, put together a booklet of recipes to give to friends, or send your favourites electronically. You could even host a virtual bake-off, and cook along together.

Take photos, too – lots of us love looking at delicious food for inspiration.

June 2020 • happiful.com • 45

Photography | Nathan Dumlao

“

Don’t feel alone, because there is always someone out there who loves you more than you can imagine 46 • happiful.com • June 2020

– ANURAG PRAKASH RAY

At what cost?

Writing | Jamie Windust

Presenting our true selves outwardly can be an essential part of developing confidence and self-acceptance, but can be easier said than done. For Jamie Windust, a nonbinary editor, writer, public speaker, and model, the artistry and effort put into their makeup was an empowering means of exploring their identity – but it came at a price.

Here, they share their journey of self-expression and acceptance, and how we don’t owe anyone a certain version of ourselves...

I

t took about six months for the old department store that I used to work in to be convinced that it was OK to have someone work on the plethora of beauty counters, who wasn’t a woman. To me, the beauty counters were a metropolis of potions >>> June 2020 • happiful.com • 47

and creams that had the capabilities to transform oneself, but not into someone else, rather into a more confident, and sculpted version of who you already were.

Like most people, I started wearing makeup due to insecurity.

After years of fluctuating skin types, and months on prescription drugs, I decided that it was time to try the slap. I dabbled here and there, only to one day be asked to take all my makeup off by my then manager as I looked, in her words, “ghastly”. Thanks, love.

As my identity as a human being grew and evolved, my makeup bag came with me. The cyclical relationship of wanting to explore femininity, and my ever growing makeup collection, was no coincidence. Colour held its hand out to me, and I took it swiftly, allowing it to adorn my face in ways I had never imagined would be possible. It was a time where the meaning of makeup changed for me.

I was 16 when I realised the enormous potential makeup had to allow me to fully embrace being myself. I never felt like the rules everyone else was following with makeup really applied to me. I’d watch the tutorials, and find the techniques to master the basics, but when it came to the creative element of constructing a visage, I always felt underwhelmed by the creations on my screen. So, as I continued to throw everything on to my face in the hope that something stuck, it never crossed my mind that this could be seen as too much. There was always a slight hesitance, and discreteness, but never enough to stop me from painting how I wanted to.

48 • happiful.com • June 2020

Now, that feels different. The magnitude of reality seems to have squashed how makeup feels for me now. It’s still an outlet for a conversation with myself

about how gender and expression harmonise through my face, but it leaves me with a question, speaking back to me in the mirror – “At what cost?” The conundrum trans people have lived with for what feels like forever. At what cost is it to be yourself, when everyone will inevitably tell you that they don’t want you to be?

As I slick the blush up the sides of my face, and blend the fuschia into my temples, I wonder if it’s worth the pain that will assert itself?

This isn’t what makeup used to be about. It used to be fun. It used to allow me to find who I am. But once you’ve found it, the feeling around makeup as expression forms a new relationship. It now feels like an endurance test. How long can I last in this face, before I have to change it again? Is it worth it? At what cost?

The potions and creams had the capabilities to transform oneself, but not into someone else, rather into a more confident, and sculpted version of who you already were In 2019, I stripped it all back. Towards the end of the year, I decided enough was enough. I was tired of feeling like public enemy number one every time I stepped onto the Tube. Sick of having to second guess if it’s sensible to go to certain places in a face of makeup.

Whether or not it was worth it. I stripped it back, and for the first time since I was that 16-year-old taking their first steps towards the makeup counters, I went without.

I navigated the world with ease, and with less anxiety. I felt room to breathe. I was able to do the mundanities of life, and not feel like I was being watched. But did I feel like me?

I’d reached a stage of my relationship with makeup that I’d never thought possible. The impact of wearing it, and being subjected to constant street harassment, had pushed my mental health over the edge, and eventually landed me here, makeup-less. I felt like I’d given

in. That I’d started to believe what they were saying. Started to believe it was true.

But for anyone who knows how it feels to be persecuted for being your truest self, we know that person is still inside us. Even if you’ve changed how you look, and your presence in the world is vastly different from what it was, you’ll still hear their voice inside your head to remind you that they’re there. Sometimes, it’s more important to prioritise your whole health, both physical and mental. By looking out for your own mental health, it in no way means that the prejudice you face has won. It means that you’re, unfortunately, having to be practical in a world that doesn’t allow trans folk to breathe.

People often ask me, “How did you get to this version of your face, and how do you not care what other people think about you?” And the answer is never simple. People want you to say that it’s all about ‘being you’ and ‘never letting people stop that’. In part, I agree. We shouldn’t, en masse, allow people to dictate how we look, or how we live our lives, because they’re ours to live, and not theirs. But it comes to a point where you also have to listen to your body, and your mind. Make the decisions you need to make about the way you present yourself to the world. If you can’t be bothered with having

At what cost is it to be yourself, when everyone will inevitably tell you that they don’t want you to be?

to deal with the anxiety of street harassment, it’s OK to create a face that you know will be safer for you. It doesn’t negate any part of your identity, and it doesn’t mean they’ve won. It just means that you’re looking out for yourself when you need it the most.

The first time I ever used my staff discount was on that fateful beauty department. I’d been working there a week, and came in on my day off. I will always remember the absolute joy of placing that red lipstick down on the counter, and the pure excitement at how it was going to make me feel.

Remember the excitement of the first time you became who you are now, and never forget that they will always be proud of you, no matter how you look.

June 2020 • happiful.com • 49

Photography | Eugenivy Reserv

“

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage – ANAIS NIN

IT’S WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT The world of AFOL (adult fans of Lego) is booming. From bustling online forums where creators show off their projects, to dedicated AFOL teams at Lego HQ, whose role is to support this growing community, there has never been a better time to pick up the pieces. But what inspires adults to return to Lego, and can these simple blocks help support our mental health?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

I “

’ve recently completed the Trafalgar Square set, the London Bridge set, and the new Fiat 500 set. My VW camper van is my biggest build to date at 1,334 pieces! It’s so realistic – it comes with pull-out beds, a table, a kitchen area, curtains, a boot, and driving controls.”

Vicky Richmond, 23, is an AFOL (adult fan of Lego) and she’s reflecting on her best builds so far. But Vicky isn’t alone. She’s part of a booming community of people who are piecing together sets, and getting creative. And it’s happening on an extensive scale, as earlier this year Lego shared that more than 800,000 members from more than 200 countries

are registered with Bricklink, its online marketplace for AFOLs. Of course, the existence of the community itself is nothing new.

Adults have been enjoying Lego since production began, and Lego recognises this community with dedicated teams who monitor the wants and needs of their customers.

Speaking of its unaging appeal, Lise Borgstrøm Henriksen, from the Lego AFOL engagement team, says Lego continues to be a tool to express creativity throughout our lives. “Also, they really enjoy the immersive building experience, and the social benefits of being connected to such a strong community of fellow builders who

have a diverse range of Legorelated specialisms and passions,” she adds.

But what are the benefits of this immersion, and how can it help support our mental health?

From the toy box For many people, Lego inspires memories of days spent working on sets and scenes, the sound of rustling through buckets of pieces, and the infuriating pain of stepping on a stray block in the night. But nostalgia plays a larger role in our psyche than simply serving as a bookmark of where we’ve been.

A study from the University of Southampton found that the >>>

June 2020 • happiful.com • 51

Psychological research suggests that play continues to be important for good mental health in adulthood core pillars of our personality remain the same throughout our lives, and that nostalgia boosts self-connectivity. When times are tough, it can be helpful to revisit the things that once brought us so much joy. Which is a point Vicky relates to, noting how Lego takes her back to her childhood, bringing out forgotten parts of who she is. But beyond that, counsellor and mindfulness teacher Sarah Lane points to the importance of maintaining ‘play’ throughout our lives.

“As we grow up, play is often neglected as our lives get busier, and we feel we need to focus on more ‘serious’ matters,” Sarah explains. “However, psychological research suggests that play continues to be important for good mental health in adulthood.

Building with Lego is one way people can express this need for play and carve out time for leisure and relaxation.”

Picking up the pieces But for Vicky, her return to Lego goes beyond nostalgia.

With a history of mental health problems and the pressure of

52 • happiful.com • June 2020

being a fourth-year undergraduate student at the Royal College of Music, Vicky found herself going through a difficult time in October 2019. Almost by chance, she was walking around a supermarket when she found herself drawn to a Lego set.

“It really has benefited my mental health,” she says. “I live with anxiety and depression, and Lego helps me to relax – even just the physical motion of attaching one brick to another is satisfying.

It’s taught me to be patient, and to take things one step at a time – both things I apply to my music studies, and my life in general.

It’s also helped my ability to follow instructions and process different shapes (something that I find difficult as someone with a learning difficulty). Finishing a

WHAT IS ‘FLOW’?

In mindfulness, ‘flow’ is used to describe the state of mind we experience when we find the balance between skill and challenge. Coined by Hungarian psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in the 1990s, it is thought that if the challenge is too great we’ll become stressed, and if the challenge is not difficult enough we’ll become bored. But when it’s just right, we experience ‘flow’. set I first thought was impossible gives me an enormous sense of achievement.”

It’s an effect that Sarah can attest to. Mindful activities are known to have soothing effects on our

mental health, and building Lego ticks all the boxes for this kind of pastime.

“Enthusiasts are likely to be focused in the present when they’re making a structure, and therefore less prone to becoming lost in negative or anxious thoughts, which might otherwise lead to, or worsen, low mood and stress,” Sarah explains. “They may get into the psychological state known as ‘flow’, in which they would become completely absorbed in the task before them, and lose all sense of self and time.”

Of course, picking up an activity like this at any time can be beneficial, and it’s no stretch to say that we should all try our best to make time for enjoyable, mindful projects. But switching off our worried minds and tuning into

sensations has been particularly important through lockdown, something that Lego quickly identified before beginning to offer free inspiration on their website and social media pages, as part of their #letsbuildtogether initiative.

“Our hope was to alleviate some of the strain and stress for families, while keeping people engaged and curious,” says Lise from the AFOL engagement team. And from the mindfulness prompts, to the way it can facilitate creativity, it makes sense.

New kid on the block So often, comfort can be found in taking things back to basics.

Our minds can get carried away, our worries can intrude into the rest of our lives, and things that

might be minor in reality can quickly balloon into something all-consuming.

Picking up a block, finding its place, and piecing it together, may sound like an absurdly simple solution, but it’s so effective because of just that – it’s simple.

From a dabble in nostalgia to problem-solving and creativity, it’s really no surprise that adults are turning to Lego. Mindful activities are a way to ground ourselves in the moment, gently refusing to allow external stress to work its way in – and there’s no age limit on that.

Find out more and connect with others in the community at brickish.org

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HOW TO CREATE YOUR OWN DIY SPA EXPERIENCE We could all use a little peace right now, so we’ve put together a short guide to help you enjoy an at-home spa experience Writing | Kat Nicholls

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rom the moment you step foot into a spa to the moment you leave, everything is designed to help you feel relaxed. Therapists talk in soothing tones, while the lighting is kept low and the air is heavy with sweet-smelling oils.

Just the thought of it is enough to unfurrow your brow, and help you breathe a little deeper.

At this moment in time, we’re sure many of you could do with exactly this scene. Sadly, however, going to the spa isn’t something on the cards right now. But we don’t think this should stop us from getting that deep exhale we desperately need. With a little ingenuity and preparation, we can recreate the spa experience for ourselves at home.

It turns out, a lot of us are already thinking about DIY when it comes to beauty. Research from Showers To You shows 83% of us have considered recreating our favourite beauty products at home, including shampoos, face masks, and lip balms.

Before you get started with your DIY spa day, you’ll need to carve out some time and, if you live with others, let them know so they can give you some calming space and peace to relax.

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SETTING THE SCENE Think about appeasing all of your senses, starting with scent.

Scent: Our sense of smell is directly linked to our limbic system in the brain, which is why it can have such a powerful effect on how we feel. Utilise aromatherapy here and burn some essential oils, spray a room scent, or light a scented candle.

Scents known to relax and soothe include lavender, bergamot, and ylang ylang.

Taste: Infuse your water with fresh mint, lemon, or cucumber if possible, or brew some herbal teas. Chamomile, peppermint, and lemon balm teas can all help ease stress, giving you a moment of tranquillity.

YOUR TREATMENTS At this point, you’re hopefully already feeling a little more relaxed. Now it’s time to decide on your treatments for the day. Here we’ve listed some suggestions to get you started.

Sight: If it’s possible, keep the lighting nice and low. Light several candles (just be careful not to leave them unattended), and let the warm light permeate.

Enjoy a warm bath with salts: If you can get hold of bath salts, add a couple of scoops to your bath.

Depending on the blend, they can encourage relaxation, ease muscle pain, and uplift your mood – we love Radox’s Sleep Aromatherapy Calm Your Mind Lavender bath salts. If you don’t have a bath, drop some essential oils on to a damp washcloth and inhale deeply while in the shower. Just make sure not to put the oils directly on your skin!

Touch: For your spa experience you want to feel relaxed in every sense, so be sure to wrap your body in comfortable, tactile fabrics. Why not put your robe on the radiator so it’s warm when you wear it?

Exfoliate: Great for improving circulation and getting rid of dry skin, treating yourself to a body scrub is an easy at-home spa treatment to try. Plus, you can easily make your own! Dr Asher

Sound: Having calming music on in the background can really help to set the tone of your experience.

Try the music section in the Calm app, or look at the ‘spa & massage’ genre on Spotify, which has a collection of playlists.

With a little ingenuity and preparation, we can recreate the spa experience for ourselves at home

rose quartz bath and body crystoil, which is a blend of rose geranium, sweet orange, lavender true, and palmarosa oil, imbued with rose quartz crystals (known for encouraging self-love).

Siddiqi, medical aesthetic expert at Transform, suggests combining coconut oil with coffee granules or sugar for a DIY body scrub.

banana, coconut oil, egg whites, and oats can all help your skin to feel more hydrated, while honey and yoghurt can help oily skin.

Have a facial: Stress can really take its toll on our skin, and if you’re anything like us you’ll have noticed a few more break-outs than normal.

If you have a mask already, go ahead and use that, or if you want to make your own Dr Siddiqi says

Give yourself a massage: A lot of us are missing physical touch right now, so giving yourself a gentle massage can be a nice way to fill that gap. Try using a moisturising oil, and use long sweeping strokes.

An oil on our wish-list is LLIO’s

AND... RELAX For the rest of the day or evening, try to keep things slow and relaxed.

Try a short meditation and get stuck into a new book. Journal about how you’re feeling, and whether or not your self-care needs are changing. If you can, avoid screens, drink plenty of water, and get an early night.

Let the after-effects of your spa experience sink in as you melt into a blissful, uninterrupted sleep. And then? Well, get planning for your next one of course.

June 2020 • happiful.com • 55

10

ways to transform your sex-life

No matter how satisfying things are in (and out of) the bedroom, we all like to spice things up now and then. But what if you could transform your sex life with just a few simple changes? We speak to a sexual wellness doctor and a relationship counsellor to find out...

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

1. SELF-PLEASURE FOR SELF-CARE We may not talk about it, but us Brits love a bit of solo-TLC. According to the Tenga 2019 Self-Pleasure Report, more than a quarter (27%) of women and a fifth (21%) of men in the UK prefer masturbation to having sex. Whether it’s to satisfy sexual urges, just for fun, or to help us relax, many of us embrace masturbation as a regular part of our self-care routines. Sure, sharing some sexy fun with our partners is all well and good – but who knows you better than you?

Even the experts agree. Sexual wellness doctor, Elle Vooght, from sexual wellness brand Kandid, advocates for the benefits of masturbation. “I’d recommend making masturbation part of your weekly, or even daily, self-care routine. Self-pleasure is a proven wellness tool that has a multitude of health benefits. Regular masturbation can reduce anxiety, help with relaxation and deep sleep, and create happy hormones.

Plus, it’s fun!”

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

2. BOOST YOUR INTIMACY OUTSIDE OF THE BEDROOM Intimacy is important in any relationship – but are you making sure you foster these feelings both in and out of the bedroom?

Relationship counsellor and psychotherapist Beverley Hills shares her thoughts on the importance of nurturing our relationships as a whole, to improve our intimacy and desires.

“Most of the work that goes into re-creating sexual desire in an established relationship happens outside of the bedroom – the thoughtful touches, the sexy texts and, believe it or not, possibly taking sex off the agenda altogether.

“Stepping off the sexual gas can help relieve tension by reducing expectations, and allowing the partner to fully relax in the company of their loved one. This does take time and patience, but it can also ramp up the passion; tell someone that they can’t have something, and they want it even more...”

3. COMMUNICATION IS KEY Practising open, honest communication can help you to not only improve your sex life, but your relationships too.

When we become too afraid to talk about things, it can feel like we’re building a barrier between ourselves and our partners. When we’re hesitant to communicate our needs and desires, over time it can feel like we’re turning perfectly natural feelings into something taboo that we become reluctant to speak about.

“Intimacy begins with communication, so why is it sometimes hard to communicate with our partner?” Beverley asks.

“So many clients say, ‘If only she’d desire me a little more,’ and the reply is often along the lines of, ‘Well I’d have time to if you emptied the bins once in a while.’

“If you’ve never set a precedent of telling your partner what you want, then how are they to know? We expect them to read our mind or at least the signals, >>>

June 2020 • happiful.com • 57

27% of women and a fifth (21%) of men in the UK prefer masturbation to having sex

Researchers found that those who take part in BDSM are less neurotic, and more open to new experiences

What you eat can have a significant impact on your libido, stamina, and overall wellbeing

Visit Counselling Directory to find out more about relationship therapy

58 • happiful.com • June 2020

but the problem is you’re talking in semaphore, and they are talking Morse code!”

Opening up the conversation can help ensure you’re both on the same page, and that any underlying needs you may have – sexual or not – can be spoken about and, hopefully, met.

4. NATURE’S APHRODISIACS What you eat can have a significant impact on your libido, stamina, and overall wellbeing. Ensuring you have a balanced diet can lead to improvements in your mood, and even decrease feelings of stress, exhaustion, depression, anxiety, and difficulty concentrating.

Ensuring you’re getting enough vitamin E can improve testosterone, oestrogen, and progesterone levels, while making the switch to organic foods could reduce the number of pesticides you’re exposed to. For men, testosterone productionboosting foods, such as beans, egg yolks, tuna, and low-fat milk, can also be good sources of vitamins and protein.

While oysters may not get you in the mood, they can help with stamina and increasing sperm quality. Dark chocolate, thought to be one of the most romantic sweet treats, can increase blood flow thanks to the cocoa and its phenylethylamine (PEA) or ‘love chemical’ content.

5. SELF-CONFIDENCE IS SEXY Knowing confidence is sexy is one thing, but how can you improve your self-confidence if it’s starting to affect other areas of your life – and relationships?

Beverly explains: “If you don’t feel good about yourself, your body, the way you look, or even who you are

right now, then you’re going to find it hard to feel sexy. There’s the old adage: ‘If you rely on someone else to bring you happiness then you’re doomed, because that person might go away.’ The message being that it’s best to find lasting happiness within yourself.

A happy you is a happy sex life, and so in counselling we look at what’s preventing you from being the best you can possibly be, both in and out of the bedroom.”

If you’re worried low self-confidence may be holding you back, working with a counsellor or a life coach can help you reframe negative self-thoughts, and work towards loving you for who you are.

In counselling we look at what’s preventing you from being the best you can possibly be, both in and out of the bedroom 6. EMBRACE YOUR WILD SIDE 50 Shades may have been and gone, but in its wake are thousands of curious readers who are much more open to embracing their more unusual desires. Researchers from the Netherlands have revealed that those of us who practise BDSM regularly are both better communicators with our partners, and report a higher overall sense of wellbeing.

They found that those who take part in BDSM are less neurotic, more open to new experiences, and less sensitive to rejection than their ‘vanilla’ counterparts.

What is BDSM? BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. From fluffy handcuffs to floggers, BDSM captures a spectrum of sexual interests, kinks, and fantasies.

Women particularly showed more confidence in their relationships, had less need for approval, and felt less anxiously attached. Sounds like there isn’t a downside!

If you’re new to fetish or BDSM exploration, make sure that you and your partner clearly discuss your desires – and relevant safety implications – first. While 50 Shades may be a fun weekend read, it’s not known for promoting the safest of practices. If you’re unsure where to start, Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams’s Playing Well with Others, Jay Wiseman’s SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, or Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon, all provide solid introductions.

putting your wellbeing first.

Whether you’re feeling anxious, are emotionally eating, or are just feeling overwhelmed, it’s important to first identify and address these problems, before looking at ways to boost your sex life.

7. ASSESS YOUR STRESS Feeling stressed on occasion is perfectly normal, but too much stress can have a big impact on us. From difficulty sleeping to feeling anxious, frustrated, and overwhelmed, stress can lead to us actively avoiding the things – and people – we enjoy the most.

Taking time out to assess your stress levels, think about your schedule, and question how you’ve been feeling, can give you the space to recognise if there’s something that may need addressing.

10. ACKNOWLEDGE DIFFERING LIBIDOS Throughout our lives, our sex drive fluctuates. It’s perfectly natural to have a period where we just aren’t feeling it – or another where we can’t get enough! It only becomes a problem if you struggle to talk, and allow it to become the elephant in the room. By talking about things together, you can air any concerns before hurt feelings have time to fester.

Together, you can come up with creative solutions that leave you both feeling satisfied.

No matter what you decide to try, it’s important to remember you don’t have to do this alone.

Relationship counselling isn’t a last resort – it can offer a safe, neutral

8. MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS It can be easy to forget, but your mental health can have far-reaching effects – for better and for worse.

How you are feeling can affect your perception of yourself, your relationships, and those around you.

While sex and loving relationships can have huge physical and wellbeing benefits, it’s important to ensure that you are (and continue)

9. FOCUS ON FOREPLAY – NOT ON FINISHING If you’re in a long-term relationship, it can be easy to let things fall into a pattern. Sex can become, well… predictable. By bringing the focus back to foreplay, you can not only increase your desire and libido, but can also create the chance to focus on fostering a sense of intimacy and closeness.

space to talk about things that you may feel nervous, embarrassed, or uncertain how to bring up.

Beverly says: “Relationship counselling can enable translation to take place. It offers a safe, confidential space with a third person who can help you to hear each other’s wants and needs in a non-judgemental way.

It can gently uncover anxietymaking blocks that have been holding you back from having a fulfilling sex life, and it can give you the confidence to create a new way that works for you both.”

Make sure that you and your partner clearly discuss both your desires – and relevant safety implications – first

June 2020 • happiful.com • 59

Happiful reads…

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From batch cooking to finding balance, we share four of this month’s unmissable new releases Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

e could all do with a little more balance and harmony right now, couldn’t we?

Debut author and established cultural communicator, Akemi Tanaka, shares how we can find our inner strength thanks to the power of chowa – the Japanese concept of balance and harmony.

Filled with beautiful artwork, this inspiring guide aims to help readers find peace and harmony across every area of their lives.

Using this fresh approach, Akemi shows readers how we can create space and symmetry not only at work, but at home, and in our relationships, thanks to this ancient philosophy. Based on a set of practices that can help people discover what matters

most in their lives, chowa can help us to transform how we think about both ourselves and others. By focusing on what is truly important to us, we can cultivate a sense of calm that can help us to develop our confidence, and begin facing any challenges that may arise.

Weaving together insightful narration about Japanese customs and the principles underpinning everyday balance, the author shares both personal experiences and anecdotes to create a fascinating starting point for readers new to the concept of chowa.

Providing practical steps you can follow to feel more empowered, balance your priorities and relationships,

The Power of Chowa Akemi Tanaka Out now

all while finding your inner strength, The Power of Chowa looks to help us find our inner strength, and flexibility throughout times of change and stress, to achieve happiness, wellness, and contentment.

If that doesn’t sound like something we could all do with right now, then I don’t know what does.

Must reads Be Kind to Your Mind

by Claire Chamberlain Out now Give your mind a little TLC, and find out how you can put yourself first in these uncertain times with this pocket guide to looking after your mental health. Focusing on how to take things slow and recharge, discover how to make moments of worry more manageable by nurturing yourself – mind, body, and spirit.

What Have I Done? By Laura Dockrill Out now Best known for her must-reads for kids and teens, Laura’s latest book is a memoir about resilience, love, and finding your way. Following a traumatic birth, baby anxiety, sleep deprivation, and a slow recovery, Laura’s feelings of overwhelm escalated into postpartum psychosis. Now, she’s determined to break the stigma around postnatal mental health.

The Batch Lady by Suzanne Mulholland Out now If you’re looking for quick, easy, and delicious home-cooked meals without breaking the bank, look no further. Teaching readers how to save time and money, while eliminating food waste, online sensation the Batch Lady shares how we can cook just once for the week ahead with a little planning, thanks to batch cooking.

More than makeup Inspiring the LGBTQ+ community and beyond, we talk to founder of makeup brand Jecca Blac about listening to the needs of clients, supporting trans inmates, and the power of a good concealer Writing | Kat Nicholls

Despite the beauty industry’s murky morals, we have to admit that makeup is a powerful thing.

A swipe of red lipstick can give you a much-needed confidence boost, and well-placed highlighter lets your inner glow show.

The ability to express who we are, and feel like the best versions of ourselves, makes it unsurprising that it’s a £27 billion industry in the UK, but it can be a little… out-dated. Many mainstream brands continue to solely target cis-gender women.

It’s therefore incredibly refreshing to see brands disrupting the norm by removing boundaries and catering for all. Jecca Blac is one such brand.

Coming out of school and straight into work as a makeup artist in the film industry, Jessica Blackler found herself with some downtime between jobs. She’d work with clients, mainly doing wedding makeup, but her heart was in prosthetics and character work. This passion came through in her online portfolio, and she started attracting clients who wanted more...

When her first trans client requested her services, she was happy to oblige. “It was an interesting process; I enjoyed almost ‘transforming’ someone.

So, I decided to specialise in trans makeup.”

A safe space Many clients coming to Jessica hadn’t yet come out as trans to friends and family, so needed somewhere that was discreet, with someone they could trust.

The studio quickly became a safe space for them to learn how to do their own makeup.

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Two in five trans people (40%) adjust the way they dress because they fear discrimination or harassment. This number increases significantly to half of non-binary people (52%) “I became quite well-known in the trans community for that service, and I even visited a prison to help people who were transitioning there.”

Jessica started working in Parc Prison, a high-security facility in South Wales, after an inmate found out about her through a local newspaper. Pushing the article under the door of a prison guard’s office, the inmate attached a note asking if Jessica could come in to teach trans prisoners how to do makeup.

Initially volunteering to go in as a one-off, Jessica realised that it was difficult for the trans community in prison to come together. This prison in particular was large, and the layout made it hard for trans inmates to meet and talk, despite knowing of each other.

“I explained to the officer that when you’re transitioning, it’s already really lonely, let alone doing it in a prison,” Jessica says. “So if they could support the community and bring it together as a whole, it would help, and allow them to support each other through a really difficult time.

“And that’s what we decided to do – bring the community together more often.”

The workshops in prison became an opportunity to learn about makeup, connect with fellow inmates in the trans community, “and just have a girly afternoon”, Jessica says.

Giving clients what they want Working with clients at the prison and clients in her studio, Jessica said that despite it being a full spectrum of people, they all wanted the same thing – “To have brands not just for trans people, but for everyone, and to accept that there are many different makeup wearers. So that’s what Jecca Blac is all about, it’s a gender-free approach to beauty.”

Responding to the needs of her clients, Jessica explains that it was never her intention to start a makeup brand. But, she saw the desire for it, and how a brand like Jecca could support the community.

Four bright and beautiful lipsticks sit alongside her Soften and Sculpt palette, and awardwinning Correct and Conceal palette (which can cover beard shadow). Being able to provide much-needed products alongside education around makeup is what makes this brand truly stand out.

Creating community In February of this year, Jecca Blac launched the very first Trans Festival. Bringing together the trans part of the LGBTQ+ community, the event filled an existing gap of offline support.

Complete with talks from activists such as Juno Dawson, and support from charity Mermaids, the event “couldn’t have gone better”

Get involved with the community, shop for products, and learn more at jeccablac.com

community, all you need to do is scroll through Jecca Blac’s Instagram (@jeccablac). Whether it’s Jessica sharing a makeup tutorial, or happy customers showing off how they’re finally able to express themselves authentically, it truly is a sight to be seen.

Speaking in a video recently shared on their Instagram, one of Jessica’s clients, a primary school teacher, explained how makeup has made a difference for her.

“Makeup has had a really big impact on me as I’ve been transitioning over the past 15 months – especially on my first day of transition in my primary school where I wanted to go in and

A 2019 survey by the official jail watchdog suggests there are up to 1,500 transgender inmates among the 90,000 prison population in England and Wales, but a lack of support for this group means figures could be much higher

according to Jessica. “Next year we want to do it on a bigger scale.”

Speaking of the future, the plan to grow the community around Jecca Blac is high on the agenda.

“To build the community around the brand is really important, and to stand for more than just a ‘makeup brand’.”

Becoming more of an advocate is another goal of Jessica’s; creating an impact, offering more festivals and events, and breaking down the stigma behind beauty. She says emphatically: “This is not just for cis-women.”

To see the impact the brand is already having on the trans

I didn’t want people to stare, and to make me feel insecure. Having Jessica do my makeup before I went to work gave me lots of confidence.”

So there you have it, whether it’s confidence, community, or concealer you’re after, you know where to go.

June 2020 • happiful.com • 63

Summertime salads Three delicious and refreshing salads packing a protein punch Writing | Katie Hoare

I

f the thought of a salad for lunch sends you to seek out the biscuits, these proteinpacked spring dishes are sure to switch up your routine.

The trick is to be brave, and explore different textures and flavours that might traditionally have been left outside of the salad bowl. Experiment with mixing fruits and cupboard essentials, with some lean protein and healthy fats to round off the dish. Tangerine in a salad may sound strange, but actually the tangy citrus taste is just the trick to deliver a burst of flavour and freshness.

If you’re anything like me, when the sun is shining I crave fresh, cold lunches. But in the past they’ve lacked enough sustenance to fill me up. Well, not anymore as we bring you three salads to put a spring in your step.

Chickpea and Chicken Rocket Salad

Quinoa and Kale Citrus Salad

Method • Using a sieve, rinse the quinoa under cold water for 30 seconds.

This helps to reduce its organic, bitter taste.

• Tip the quinoa into a pan, and add double the amount of cold water, with a little salt.

• Bring to boil over a medium heat, then reduce to simmer for 10 minutes or until liquid is absorbed.

Serves 2

Ingredients • 1 cup of cooked tricolour quinoa • Pinch of salt • 100g of kale, chopped • Olive oil, drizzle • Handful of pomegranate seeds • Handful of walnuts, chopped • 1 tangerine, peeled

Serves 2

Ingredients • 400g chickpeas, rinsed and drained • Salt and pepper • 1 tbsp olive oil, for grilling • 1 lemon, for juice • 200g grilled chicken, sliced • 75g rocket • Handful of cherry tomatoes, sliced • 1 avocado, sliced • Avocado oil, drizzle Method • Spread the rinsed chickpeas on some kitchen towel, and pat dry.

• Add the chickpeas to a baking tray and season with salt, pepper and olive oil. Place under the grill for approximately 25 minutes.

• Place the olive oil, lemon juice and chicken fillet in a sandwich bag, and turn chicken over to marinate.

• Place under a medium heat for approx 7 minutes. Turn chicken and repeat.

• Place the rocket and sliced tomatoes into a bowl, and then gently mix.

• Remove the chickpeas from the grill, and add to the rocket.

• Place the grilled chicken on the rocket and chickpea bed, and serve with sliced avocado. Drizzle over some avocado oil if you like as well. Delicious.

• Fluff the quinoa with a fork.

Set aside.

• In a separate bowl, massage the raw kale leaves with olive oil.

• Add the pomegranate seeds and chopped walnuts to the bowl, and mix with hands.

• Add the warm quinoa (or wait until it has cooled) mixing gently, and serve with the tangerine slices.

Find a nutritionist near you on the Happiful app

Salmon Protein Power Salad Serves 2

Ingredients • 1 fillet of salmon, grilled • Salt and pepper • 1 lemon, drizzle • 2 eggs • 75g spinach • 2 spring onions, diced • 210g edamame beans Method • Lay the salmon skin-side down on a piece of kitchen foil (foil must be big enough to cover the

Our expert says

entire fillet), and season with salt and pepper, and a drizzle of lemon juice.

• Cover with foil and place under the grill for approximately 8 minutes.

• While the salmon is cooking, place two eggs in a pan of cold water, and bring to the boil.

• Simmer eggs for 7 minutes, then plunge into cold water and peel.

Cut each egg in half.

• Place the spinach, diced spring onion, and edamame beans in a bowl, and mix with hands.

• Remove the salmon, and serve on top of leaves with the sliced egg.

All three salads are gluten-free and provide protein, healthy fats, and fibre to keep you fuller for longer, and are bursting with goodness! The quinoa in the ‘Quinoa and Kale Citrus Salad’ contains nine essential amino acids, and just one cup of cooked quinoa contains 8g of protein.

Plus, it’s high in fibre.

The ‘Salmon Protein Power Salad’ is packed with protein as the edamame beans – also known as soya beans – provide approximately 23g of protein.

One salmon fillet contains 22g, and two boiled eggs contain 12g of protein. The ‘Chickpea and Chicken Rocket Salad’ has 7g of protein from the can of chickpeas and 54g from 200g grilled chicken.

The addition of walnuts, salmon, avocados, and olive oil to these salads provide essential omega fats, including omega 3s, which also help vitamins A and K from the kale, spinach and rocket, to absorb into the body. These super greens contain vitamin C, folic acid, and iron, helping to sustain energy, vision, skin, and immune system health.

Sonal Shah is a nutritional therapist and director of Synergy Nutrition. She specialises in sports nutrition, hormonal imbalances, and vegan diets. To find out more, visit synergynutrition.co.uk

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Get the glow:

how good nutrition can help your skin In an age where everything can be filtered and Photoshopped, we’re constantly surrounded by visions of perfect skin. But the reality is different, with more than half of us suffering with a skin condition of some form. So, could an improved diet be the answer?

Writing | Jenna Farmer

F

rom acne to flaky skin. From chronic issues like psoriasis, to those blemishes that always arrive at that time of the month. Chances are you’ve experienced problem skin in the past, or may be living with several of these conditions.

Skin issues can understandably knock our confidence, but it’s important to know they’re common and nothing to be embarrassed about. The truth is, there’s no such thing as ‘perfect skin’, and none of us should be striving for it.

With much of what we see online being edited and unrealistic, we applaud Instagrammers, like Em Ford (@mypaleskinblog), who peel off the makeup and show what living with skin problems really looks like.

While you shouldn’t have to hide your skin condition, some people do find that nutritional changes make a difference to their skin health – whether it’s simply making them feel confident without makeup, or easing the discomfort of conditions like psoriasis. We chat to the experts to get their top tips on the simple nutritional changes that might give your skin a boost…

Can changing your diet solve your skin issues?

While eating healthily will always be beneficial for your overall wellbeing, there’s no guarantee it can necessarily cure or change your skin issues. “What we eat can certainly influence our skin health, but many people might struggle with skin problems regardless of what they eat,” explains dietitian Sophie Medlin, who urges you not to blame yourself, your lifestyle, or

your diet if you’re suffering with skin problems.

Eat a rainbow

When it comes to our general health, the more varied our diet the better. A simple way to remember this is by making sure your fruit and veg bowl is as ‘rainbow-like’ as possible. “My top nutritional tips for healthy glowing skin would be to eat a diet full of bright colours like greens, salad, peppers, berries, nuts, and seeds, which all have fabulous antioxidant and anti-inflammatory benefits,” explains Louise Walsh, a dermatology and cosmetic nurse. Antioxidants can help protect our skin against free radicals (that can be found from things like pollution and smoke), while anti-inflammatories can help with things such as skin redness. >>>

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Studies have suggested probiotics might help with things like our skin hydration, elasticity, and even potentially reverse skin ageing Fat is good for you!

The best thing you can do for your skin is to tuck into foods with plenty of healthy fats, rich in omega-3, like avocado and wild salmon. “Fat is essential for good health because it creates the barrier to protect our skin and stops it drying out,” explains Sophie. In fact, embarking on a diet could make your skin worse rather than better. “People who have a very low-fat diet, or try a crash diet like juicing, can often suffer with dry, irritated skin,” adds Sophie. If you don’t eat fish, consider things like flaxseeds and olive oil, or invest in a good quality omega-3 supplement.

Be careful of starting a new diet regime

With many of us switching to plant-based eating, or going gluten-free, it’s important to

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make sure you’re not at risk of nutritional deficiencies, which can not only make you feel unwell but can also be the reason behind poor skin health.

“Many nutritional deficiencies show themselves in our skin quality,” says Sophie. “A varied diet that includes all food groups will provide all the nutrients we need, but with the popularity of diets that eliminate food groups, we are seeing more nutritional deficiencies cropping up. If you notice a change in your skin within a few months of making a significant dietary change, it’s worth looking at your diet.”

There’s nothing essentially wrong with making diet changes, but working with a dietitian can ensure you’re not missing out.

For example, if you’re thinking of going vegan, a dietitian can ensure you get enough protein, B vitamins, and healthy fats – all of which might impact your skin and overall wellbeing.

It’s all in the gut

The power of the gut microbiome is far reaching, and there’s some research to suggest our gut health and skin health are more closely linked than we realise.

“Any dysfunction in the gut will be reflected in the skin,” explains Dr Johanna Ward, a GP and author of new book Superfoods to Superhealth.

“Inflammatory skin disorders, like acne, eczema, rosacea, and psoriasis, are so common

nowadays, and it’s thought to be due in part to the collective decline in our gut health.”

Studies suggest that probiotics – or good gut bacteria – might work as both an anti-inflammatory and an anti-bacterial, with a study finding that 80% of acne patients showed an improvement when taking the strains Lactobacillus acidophilus and Lactobacillus bulgaricus. Other studies have suggested probiotics might help with things like our skin hydration, elasticity, and even potentially reverse skin ageing.

But you don’t have to take a supplement – simply tucking into fermented foods, like sauerkraut or kefir, could make a difference.

“For good skin health we know that the protective bacteria in our gut need to outnumber (or at least balance) the bad and harmful bacteria,” explains Johanna.

“Just increasing your intake of dietary fibre (found in plant-based foods like fruits, vegetables and beans), along with eating more probiotic-rich fermented foods, can drastically improve your gut health and skin health.”

Tackling psoriasis and eczema

More serious conditions, like psoriasis and eczema, should always be treated under the guidance of your GP, who may offer suggestions or refer you to a dietitian. But is there any evidence that changing your diet could help here, too?

Some have suggested the Mediterranean diet – which is rich in healthy fats – could potentially help with psoriasis. “Both psoriasis and eczema are very drying, so we need to increase the oils we eat,” says Louise Walsh.

When it comes to eczema and psoriasis, Dr Johanna Ward again believes the gut is key. “I tell all my patients to eat and live a gut-healthy life and to follow an anti-inflammatory diet. That means eating lots of fibre and fermented foods, ensuring a good intake of essential fatty acids like omega-3. I also recommend reducing sugar and dairy, as some eczema sufferers are cow’s milk intolerant.”

When it comes to our health, there’s no one-size-fits-all, and that includes our approach to skin health, too. Good nutrition is just one of the many things that can influence your skin so, as always, it’s important to listen to your body and consult your GP before making any big changes to your diet.

For more information and nutritional support, explore our free Happiful app.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease and blogs about her journey to improve gut health at abalancedbelly.co.uk

June 2020 • happiful.com • 69

“

Straight roads do not make skillful drivers – PAULO COELHO

Photography | Eugenivy Reserv

TRUE LIFE

My illness could have broken me – instead it made me stronger When Victoria was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, her future looked bleak. But the agonising condition taught her to fight, to change, and to forge a successful new life Writing | Victoria Smith-Gillard

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o, picture me, just 25 years old, sitting in a consultant’s office, feeling vulnerable and scared, being given the damning diagnosis: “You have fibromyalgia… it will get worse… and you will end up in a wheelchair.”

The diagnosis in 2006 was deeply upsetting, crushing beyond belief.

My whole life flashed before me, and I imagined what I would never get to do – I had a fear of the future, rather than curious expectation.

Fibromyalgia is a longterm condition that causes pain all over the body. The exact cause is unknown, but it’s thought to be related to abnormal levels of certain chemicals in the

brain, and changes in the way the central nervous system processes pain messages. In many cases, the condition appears to be triggered by a physically or emotionally stressful event.

I started medication, yet my body couldn’t take the high doses the doctors wanted, so the nerve suppressant had to be reduced to a minimal dose, which for many does nothing.

Initially, I struggled to work. I was left exhausted after 20 minutes of gentle exercise, and stress felt like I’d been hit by a baseball bat. Before my diagnosis, in 2003, my previous work had suffered, and I lost my job due to repetitive strain injury (the trauma tipping

point for the fibromyalgia developing). My selfesteem went through the floor. By 2004 I had managed to claw my way back to being strong enough to work in retail, but that felt like a step backwards and triggered a feeling of hopelessness, as I felt I wasn’t fulfilling my potential.

But I kept going. In 2005, I eventually managed to secure an office job where I could work without computers, and build some purpose back into my life. Yet the fibromyalgia continued to affect my relationships, social life, career, and my mental, physical, and emotional health.

I was resentful when people accused me of being lazy or making it

up, judging me. I felt guilt, shame, hurt, sadness, anger. I hated the disease, and probably myself. I would go into the ‘why me?’ mode, and get angry to the point of bursting into tears of frustration, which only made the fibromyalgia worse.

In the summer of 2006, I relocated to Kent and got a part-time job, yet I battled to find enough energy. Unfortunately, I was bullied at my workplace and was unfairly dismissed, despite being completely honest and truthful in my interview. More fighting, more stress.

Yet all along, my medication had not been increased, and I was continually looking for holistic methods to >>> June 2020 • happiful.com • 71

I was resentful when people accused me of being lazy or making it up, judging me. I felt guilt, shame, hurt, sadness, anger. I hated the disease, and probably myself

control pain, as well as using exercise, and having the attitude of “I want to control it, not it control me.” The focus on what I could do, not what I couldn’t. The warrior within broke free, and although she got tired of fighting many times, out she came again with her sword and shield.

But with every ending there is a new beginning and I began working in a veterinary referral centre, being able to build up my workload and implement task management to suit the fibromyalgia. That built my confidence and started a whole new journey.

72 • happiful.com • June 2020

I seemed to have good instincts for the job, and I was told by one of my managers that I had the best client empathy in the company, a compliment that has stayed with me – and which started to make sense several years later.

By gradually dealing with my severe anxiety and mild depression, by 2011 I managed to come off medication completely. I exercised, worked, and overall had a pretty good life compared to the picture that was painted for me in 2006.

But in 2014, redundancy hit and I grieved for the job that I truly loved – partly because I knew I’d

never get as varied a role to suit the fibromyalgia as I had there.

I secured a new job… and once again got tendonitis.

A pattern was beginning to build, and each time the tendonitis hit, it was always worse than the time before.

I remember exclaiming: “It’s like someone doesn’t want me to work in an office anymore!” Oh, how little I knew.

I took a leap of faith and trained in neurolinguistic programming, using speech software to get around the computer work. I worked hard and passed with flying colours.

Next came cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy

in 2015, and Rahanni healing in 2016.

I learnt how I was experiencing spiritual stress by being a highly sensitive person, an empath, and an old soul, and how all this was contributing to my fibromyalgia.

I learnt ways of dealing with this to reduce my symptoms. Yet even though I was helping clients and myself, I still felt like there was something missing.

While decluttering, I came across an article about a canine hypnotherapist, who was helping dogs to release emotions.

I’m medication free, I eat healthier than I ever did, I work out, and can enjoy a life that is relatively normal compared to many sufferers Given what I did, you can imagine I was delighted! I contacted her, went along to a workshop, and loved it. It fitted so well with what I’d already learnt, and I got to help dogs in the process.

Animals have always been dear to my heart.

Being bullied when I was young, I found comfort and affinity with animals who gave unconditional love. So, I trained in canine flow and animal communication, and now I work in Canine Assisted Therapy – helping dogs release their emotions, while helping them show their owners what they need to heal.

Why am I telling you all this? Well, because while completely switching and retraining in a career that lets me control what is left of my fibromyalgia, it

began loosening its hold on me through awareness and action.

While this won’t be the case for everyone, for me, I learnt that I didn’t ‘have it’, I was ‘doing it’. That in itself felt empowering.

If I am ‘doing’ it, then I can stop doing it. I felt (and still do feel) that fibromyalgia has a deeply emotional basis, with different types of stress, PTSD, and emotions trapped in our cells.

I have done a lot of emotional clearing and healing, using various energy and therapy techniques, and deepdiving into values, beliefs, emotions, and metaphysics. To this day I still work on any triggers that arise, confident that everything is a lesson or a gift in some way, to heal something trapped within.

I have learnt what’s important to me in every area of life. Things may have happened to you, but it is up to you to create the changes within through a process of healing, and an integration of every part of you, removing limiting beliefs that no longer serve, and not being afraid to be you – the real you before all the trauma began.

I’m medication free, I eat healthier than I ever did before, I work out, and can enjoy a life that is relatively normal compared to many sufferers. On top of that, I’m doing work I love, and look forward to getting up in the mornings! For me, fibromyalgia was a sign to treat myself better, and to become who I’m meant to be, in every area of my life.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Victoria’s story demonstrates just how varied and individual our paths to recovery and happiness can be.

She found a way to learn from her struggles, which in turn enabled her to understand herself more.

Although she had an innate sense of empathy and ability to help others, she needed to take care of herself first in order to be truly available.

By being open-minded, Victoria has found a genuinely unique way to be happy. It just goes to show that we should never be afraid to listen to our hearts and follow our own path.

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach

June 2020 • happiful.com • 73

About time Life tends to throw tests in our path, and we can find ourselves having to adapt to the unexpected. But it’s often these difficult moments that prompt us to reflect, and check-in with ourselves – and consciously reassess our priorities...

Writing | Shahroo Izadi

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ife can have a way of forcing us to suddenly ‘step up’, and demonstrate how capable we are, regardless of how prepared we feel for the challenge. While many of its tests certainly aren’t ones we would have chosen, some of us associate the periods when we experienced the most personal growth with the times when we got through the most difficulty.

Often it’s these challenging periods that make us pause, zoom out, and punctuate our lives. They can bring us the perspective we need to check-in with ourselves when the status quo is disrupted.

We can come to ‘meet’ ourselves by observing how we respond to periods of challenge, and use this insight as a springboard to create positive changes in the next chapter of our lives. Periods of disruption and difficulty can force us to adapt in ways we could never have prepared for, and we often surprise even ourselves when it comes to how quickly we’re able to make changes across our lives when we need to.

We can also become more aware of how we may take for granted the more ‘boring’ and uneventful periods of life, and realise how they are filled with opportunities to check-in with ourselves, and our lives in general. There’s something about going through a difficult period that can give us a renewed sense of belief in ourselves, and an urgency to ensure we’re living a life that really aligns with our values.

It can help us to remember that there will never be a perfect time to give some thought to how we’re

generally engaging with ourselves and others across our lives, or to acknowledge, and redefine ourselves as a result of what we’ve managed to get through. So why not make this the time?

1 Time to re-establish what’s most important to you It’s common for our priorities and values to shift subtly over time, without us stopping to adjust our behaviours accordingly.

Periods of uncertainty, difficulty, and disruption can provide an opportunity to ‘zoom out’ and can force us to re-evaluate where it’s most important for us to spend our time, money, and energy.

Consider what parts of your life are important to you right now, what you most value, and how that list has changed and rearranged itself in the past few years. Then think about how much of your time, money, and resources are being spent enabling you to live by these values. Ask yourself how you can make adjustments to ensure that the life you are living is the life you most value – today.

2 Time to be nicer to yourself Think about the last time you made a mistake. How did you speak to yourself about it? Was it fair, helpful, or kind? Often, negative self-talk and self-limiting beliefs are picked up in earlier life, and we simply carry them through without taking time to listen-in to what we’re actually saying. The next time you feel you’ve let yourself down in some way, choose to turn up the volume on how you’re speaking to yourself. Then, ask yourself: who does this sound like?

Some of us associate the periods when we experienced the most personal growth with the times when we got through the most difficulty When did I start speaking to myself like this? Can I try talking to myself in the way I’d speak to a loved one in the same position? What needs to happen before I can be nicer to myself, and why can’t I start practising right now?

3 Time to accept yourself as you are It’s common to think that we’ll be nicer to ourselves once we’ve changed or improved in some way.

Yet when we do achieve personal goals, we can easily find another thing we’re not happy with, and another, before we can finally accept who we are.

You are deserving of treating yourself well, in every possible way, and you can start right now.

Living life ‘on hold’ can deprive us of realising that we will always like some aspects of ourselves and our lives more than other parts, and we’re only human. We will never reach a point of perfection, and whether or not we achieve the goals we set for ourselves, we deserve to enjoy our lives and take self-acceptance off ‘hold’ – ASAP. 4 Time to believe in myself more Often we forget to give ourselves credit for having got through

something challenging, especially when we had no choice but to get through it! Whether or not a challenge is voluntary, if we stepped up to meet it, we deserve to acknowledge ourselves, feel pride, and let it inform more ambitious choices for ourselves.

We deserve to update the way we define ourselves when it comes to how strong and resilient we are. It can help to write a list of every way you’ve pleasantly surprised yourself by getting through a tough period.

Note how you’ve demonstrated strength, tolerance, and patience.

Commit to reminding yourself that these are qualities you’ve demonstrated you possess the next time you find yourself doubting whether you can meet new challenges in any area of your life.

Commit to being as ambitious for yourself as you know you can be.

Shahroo is a behavioural change specialist, who started her training in the NHS, and later worked for the charity Turning Point – which provides substance misuse treatment – before setting up her own practice, and writing books on habit-change. To find out more, visit shahrooizadi.co.uk June 2020 • happiful.com • 75

W The root of wellbeing Masquerading as decorative houseplants, these everyday greens are actually working behind the scenes to bring the benefits of the great outdoors into your home Writing | Katie Hoare Illustrating | Rosan Magar

e may not all be fortunate enough to have a garden at our disposal, and when we’re confined to the same four walls, the need to get outside, see green spaces, and breathe fresh air, can be great.

With working from home now the norm for many of us, and the weather giving us spring sunshine, you’ll be forgiven for yearning for a little green space to call your own.

Humans are intrinsically linked to the ecosystem.

Frankly, we couldn’t survive without it.

So if you suddenly find yourself, and your household, with restricted access to the outside world, you may feel somewhat stifled by the air around you.

A study by NASA determined that bringing everyday houseplants into a sealed environment can be just the trick to make us feel more energised, alert, and refreshed. By using specially formulated carbon filters and containers, they found that plants drew out toxins and harmful airborne bacteria from the air, converting them to new plant tissue.

And NASA was, of course, on to something. While this study was conducted in laboratory conditions, it did unearth some intriguing data about the power of plants, and was just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the health benefits of owning a houseplant.

REDUCES STRESS AND ANXIETY Much like exercising or immersing yourself in wide open, green spaces, research suggests that taking care of a living plant can significantly reduce feelings of mild anxiety and stress.

A study published in the Journal of Physiological Anthropology states: “Active interaction with indoor plants (like touching and smelling) can reduce physiological and psychological stress. What’s more, even the potting soil can help you to keep a handle on daily stress and anxiety.”

COMBATS MILD HEALTH IRRITATIONS Common houseplants, such as the dracaena or peace lily, add to the humidity of your home, and can even aid dry skin complaints and itchy eyes. Particularly in winter when we often stay inside and use artificial heating, a houseplant can reduce the effects of dryness through it’s process of transpiration. During this cycle, plants lose their leaves, releasing water into the air, which creates a more humid environment.

ENCOURAGES HEALTHY SLEEP The best way to access oxygen? Going outside. But when we sleep, we’re likely to be restricted to four walls.

However, fortunately many plants are known to increase their oxygen emissions at night, and inhale the carbon dioxide we produce while asleep.

An increased oxygen flow is essential for a restful night, as it ensures we are able to breathe evenly, encourages cell renewal, and can calm symptoms of common sleep disorders such as sleep apnea.

BOOSTS PRODUCTIVITY AND CREATIVITY A study conducted at the Chelsea Flower Show by the University of Exeter found that equipping offices with greenery can help to boost staff wellbeing by up to 47%!

The study sought to challenge the previous notion that plants in the office “are an unnecessary or even wasteful element of the business environment”. And it succeeded.

“The results showed that allowing staff to make design decisions in a workspace, enhanced with office plants, can increase wellbeing by 47%, increase creativity by 45%, and increase productivity by 38%.”

PROMPTS FEELINGS OF NURTURE AND COMPASSION While it’s more common for us to feel these emotions in relation to pets, for some people a pet may not be an option at this time. So what’s the next best thing? A living houseplant!

Bringing a living organism into your home promotes compassion and nurturing feelings, it provides you with a sense of purpose.

Although you’re in demand from a houseplant significantly less, you can still feel a sense of responsibility. If you’ve ever accidentally forgotten to water your plant, the feeling of guilt can be pretty surprising.

EASY-TO-CARE-FOR HOUSEPLANTS Snake plant Perfect for beginners and busy lives. Ensure the soil fully dries between watering, and avoid getting leaves wet. Keep the snake plant out of direct sunlight.

Aloe vera The epitome of a houseplant with health benefits. Water your aloe vera roughly every three weeks, and position in bright, indirect sunlight. Harvest the gel when leaves reach about eight inches.

The peace lily Position this floral beauty in the shade, keeping the soil moist but not overwatered.

Chrysanthemums Unlike the peace lily, regular watering and direct sunlight will ensure the chrysanthemums blossoms.

English ivy This thrives in bright, indirect sunlight, with evenly moist and well-drained soil.

Note: some plants can be poisonous to pets when ingested, so do look into your plant before buying.

Counselling can help you see through the clouds If you are ready to find help and support, then you are already proactively looking after yourself and those around you – and that’s a huge achievement.

Start your journey at counselling-directory.org.uk – part of the Happiful family

Photography | Jake Wangner

A DEFIANT ACT OF

SELF-CELEBRATION Singer-songwriter Jack Garratt is no stranger to accolades. In 2016, he won the Critics’ Choice Award at the Brits, and, objectively, his debut album, Phase, was a huge success. But, contending with consuming self-doubt, Jack didn’t see it that way. Four years later he’s back, and building on the lessons of his past. Here, we discuss learning to live with your emotions, and the moment that made every struggle worth it Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Hi Jack! Your new album, Love, Death & Dancing, is out in June.

How are you feeling about the upcoming release? Strangely excited, and also scared! I’ve put on a show that I’m proud of – I’ve made this record to sound exactly how I intended, I’m so overjoyed about the videos for it, and the creation of the cover. Everything about this record is something that I am proud of. >>> June 2020 • happiful.com • 79

That’s not a feeling I’m used to, and it’s a weird one to then have in a strange interlacing knot with this anxiety and fear that sometime in the not-too-distant future it’s no longer going to be mine to keep a hold of, but instead it’s going to be everyone else’s to experience.

It’s been four years in the making, what was that process like?

About two years was me trying to figure out what happened with the first record. A lot of people would say that it was a success by their definition, and yet by mine it was an unmitigated failure.

I spent two years trying to figure out why I feel like this, and I haven’t come to an answer. But that helped me understand that there a lot of the feelings I have I might not have answers for – I might just feel them.

A big underlying theme of the album is that a lot of the emotions I have been feeling in the last few years are – and will possibly be forever – unresolved, and I think that’s healthy, I think that’s OK. That can be the reality for so many people – learning to manage our emotions where there may not be a neat solution.

That’s it – we’re encouraged to think that there is an answer, because we’re told that our emotions are problems that need fixing. And I refuse to believe that the way I feel is a problem unless, it is harmful to either myself or those around me. And I don’t think that my depression, for example, has to be harmful to me.

I would like to think that I could have a relationship with it that is at least healthy – that I can have a relationship with my negative 80 • happiful.com • June 2020

There a lot of the feelings I have I might not have answers for – I might just feel them thoughts and live with them, in the same way that I have a relationship with my positive thoughts and I live with them.

That’s an idea you can see in the title of your album: Love, Death & Dancing. What’s the story behind that? It originally was going to be called Songs about Love and Death that People can Dance To. And my wife, very astutely, observed that that was a ridiculously long title, and offered the shorter version, which I loved.

A lot of my creative decisions come from a place of enjoyment first, and they were things that I’d written about in the album. But what I’ve come to learn is that

those three things – love, death and dancing – are all things I’m absolutely terrified of doing. I’m afraid of openly loving myself.

I am also absolutely scared of dying, and I used to dance when I was about 12 until 16 – but as soon as I started to become a young man, I lost the confidence and I became fearful of doing it in public. And so they’ve all become three categorical things that I’m afraid to do by myself.

In the music video for the track ‘Time’, you’re dancing on your own throughout. So you’re facing a fear there? Exactly. I stupidly define my music as being ‘dance music for people who don’t want

I’ve refused to leave any lyrical ambiguity, because I’ve wanted to be absolutely, heart-baringly, honest to go out’. Because that’s what I love. I love dance music, but I hate going to clubs.

However, that doesn’t mean I should be starved of a good fouron-the-floor. I like to make music that makes me want to move.

The whole point of the video was supposed to represent me as a character engaging in behaviours that I’ve not allowed myself to do for a long time. It was supposed to be a defiant act of self-celebration.

Reading the YouTube comments on that video, people have their own very personal connections to your songs. What’s that like? It’s kind of intimidating. I made quite a loud point on the first album of not overly specifying my songs. I didn’t want to discourage somebody’s listening experience by making the songs about me. I’ve done the opposite this time. I’ve been very specific about my experiences.

I’ve refused to leave any lyrical ambiguity, because I’ve wanted to be absolutely, heart-baringly, honest.

But it’s actually meant that more people have connected with it. They’ve been able to apply their own lives to a very specific example in my life, my emotions, and my experiences – which proves that I was very wrong the first time around.

Before you perform these personal songs, have you had to put strategies in place to protect yourself? Yes. To be honest, I’ve had to do that this time, because I wasn’t very good at it before. The first album brought on some really tough few years for me, because I was performing on my own.

I also think – with the accolades I’d received – it’s difficult to feel my situation was relatable, it was so specifically mine. And then I would go on long tours on my own, and play on a stage by myself, and walk off stage into a green room where I’m alone.

So this time, I’ve restructured some of my supporting pillars.

And I’ve found that I’ve really been able to rely on them, and that’s made a huge difference for me. It’s helped me to be able to survive a little longer in something that isn’t designed to be done alone.

Reflecting back over your career, is there a standout moment you feel proud of? I’m not one to shy away from a good name-drop every now and then... But one of the biggest things to me, was mine and my wife’s wedding. We obsessed over every detail and we were able to do what has, I think, been regarded by our friends as the ‘greatest party of all time’. But we got to throw that because my career up until then allowed us to do so.

It was, honestly, the happiest night of my entire life – marrying the woman who I will love for the rest of my life, and to celebrate her in front of all of those people. I’d never felt more pride for myself, my career and, most importantly, for me and my wife. Yes, I’d never felt that before.

Jack Garratt releases his new album ‘Love, Death & Dancing’ on 12 June.

June 2020 • happiful.com • 81

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

June

Relax, rest, and recharge. Take time out to enjoy nature, declutter your home and your mind, and discover the perfect inspiration for crafting with kids

3

PUT ON A SHOW Costume Party

Bring the show into your home with a costume-themed dinner party. Pick your theme and host an evening where everyone can dress up, enjoy a family meal, and play party games. If you’re isolating alone, invite a group of friends to join over Zoom!

1

PAGE-TURNERS Secret Yoga Club: Selfempowerment through the magic of yoga Release the tension in your mind and feel empowered through the practice of yoga. Gabrielle Hales shares the rituals she has found life-affirming and liberating over seven years of teaching yoga.

(Out 4 June, Octopus Publishing Group, £20)

OUT AND ABOUT Love your garden

2

While our access to the outside world is limited, now could be a great time to benefit from what’s right on your doorstep. If you’re not sure where to start, you can find guides to help you get started with gardening on the RHS website. If you don’t have a garden, don’t worry! You can also benefit from indoor plants (see our guide on p76).

(For more gardening tips, visit rhs.org.uk)

4

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘The Petcast’

Hosted by Gemma Atkinson, ‘The Petcast’ is brought to you by leading pet charity Blue Cross. Proud owners join the podcast to share how their pets have helped their wellbeing, as well as the challenges they have faced. Experts will be on hand to share top tips about pets of all shapes and sizes!

(Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

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PLUGGED-IN Handmade Charlotte

If you’re looking for some crafting inspiration, Handmade Charlotte is the perfect account to follow.

Rachel Faucett started the account to share DIY projects, crafts, recipes, and design inspiration, to help families create unforgettable moments.

(Follow @handmadecharlotte on Instagram)

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TECH TIP-OFFS Yoga for Beginners | Mind+Body

Yoga is a great way to relax and take some time out. If you want to give it a try, Yoga for Beginners is the perfect app to help you get started! Try simple work-outs to help you de-stress, relax and feel good.

(Download from the App Store and Google Play)

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9

THE CONVERSATION Carers Week

As we have seen over the past months, a little gratitude goes a long way. It’s important to thank NHS staff for the amazing care we receive every day of the year, and equally important to recognise the incredible work of unpaid carers. Carers Week highlights the challenges unpaid carers face, and recognises the contribution they make to families and communities across the country.

(8–14 June, get involved at carersweek.org)

SQUARE EYES Tidying Up with Marie Kondo

Marie Kondo | konmari.com, Candle | @smallbatchmedia

Is it time for the annual spring clean? In this series, tidying expert Marie Kondo shares her tips to help you declutter your home and your mind. These home makeovers will inspire you to clear out the clutter, and fill your life with joy.

(Available on Netflix)

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GET GOING P.E. With Joe

10

With schools closed and people spending more time in their homes, Joe Wicks is determined to keep the nation moving. The Body Coach is sharing live workouts on Youtube every day at 9am, that are simple, fun, and suitable for all ages.

(Search The Body Coach TV on youtube.com)

TREAT YOURSELF Kukena Naturals Original Coconut Bowl Candle

Candles can be great for self-care, but it is important to know what’s in the candles you’re burning. Kukena Naturals candles are made using ethically sourced, natural, sustainable ingredients. The Original Coconut Bowl Candles are completely biodegradable, so you can treat yourself and protect the environment. (£12.99, view the full range at kukenanaturals.com) Win a Kukena Naturals Original Coconut Bowl Candle!

For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com with your answer to the following question: Where did the tradition of putting candles on a cake come from? a) Ancient Greece b) Ancient Egypt c) Ancient Rome Competition closes 18 June. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

WIN!

How to cope with a

cancelled wedding day

After months, or even years, of build-up and excitement, to have to postpone your big day can be heartbreaking. But, this isn’t the end of your love story – it’s a bump in what we’re sure will be a very long, and happy, road...

T

o all the couples who’ve had to call-off their weddings because of Covid-19, I’m so sorry.

For some, their big day may have already come and gone. For others, whose wedding is due to be in the next few months, they are facing the reality that it might not be the day they’d dreamed of. As we enter what is typically peak wedding season, it’s unlikely that large social gatherings will be permitted for some time.

Here, we share one bride-to-be’s experience, and explore ways to help you prepare and overcome anxiety, if you’re a couple worried about postponing your wedding.

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I HAVE TO POSTPONE MY WEDDING DUE TO CORONAVIRUS? Rachel Newton, sales executive at Combermere Abbey, a country house wedding venue in Cheshire, says: “This is an upsetting time for many brides and grooms who were so close to their special day – but we must remember that this is only temporary. You will still be able to marry the love of your life, it’s just going to take a little longer than you originally thought.

When normality resumes – and it will – we’ll appreciate things a little more, and I believe this will be echoed on your wedding day.”

Writing | Becky Wright

Here are some tips we hope you’ll find helpful and reassuring, if you’re having to make alternative arrangements for your wedding.

1 CONTACT YOUR VENUE AND SUPPLIERS Becky Sutton, who was due to get married in April, says that calling the suppliers was a whirlwind.

“Because we were so close to the day, everything was confirmed: guests, food, outfits, and payments had been made. But, in one day, I’d not only cancelled one wedding, but had prepared a new one.”

A lot of suppliers are being flexible during this time, which Rachel echoes is also the case for many venues.

“We recognise that brides and grooms are understandably devastated but, at Combermere Abbey, our approach has been to provide reassurance, by bringing clarity and objectivity so that their weddings can get back on track.”

Speak to your venue and suppliers about your options, and read through your wedding insurance.

Once you have all the information, you’ll feel much more in control.

2 BE HONEST WITH GUESTS Becky says that once the practicalities were out of the way, her focus turned to notifying their bridal and groomsmen parties.

“These were the closest people to me, the people I didn’t have to put on a front with. Through a cracked voice and many tears, I told them the news while also checking they could make the new date.

“Being met with words of love and the reassurance of ‘whenever it is, I will be there’ shed a glimmer of light on what was a pretty rubbish day.

“It took me two days to notify the rest of our guests – I couldn’t face it before that. I knew so many of them had taken time off work, and booked travel and accommodation.

Thankfully, the majority of people were understanding.

“Some guests couldn’t say for definite that they’d be able to attend the new date. We, therefore, not only still face the prospect of potentially having to postpone again, but also not having all of our guests there.”

3 WHAT CAN I DO IF GUESTS CAN’T ATTEND MY NEW DATE? It’s upsetting if there’s a chance that not all of your guests will be able to make your new date, but there are some options to explore.

Looking at ways to involve guests that can’t be there – perhaps by live streaming your ceremony, or asking your photographer or videographer to do a quick edit – are options that may become

USE THIS EXTRA TIME TO PERFECT YOUR WEDDING DAY Rachel is encouraging couples to try to find positives from this situation. “There’s a little extra time for additional planning now – perhaps you could integrate something into your wedding day that you didn’t have time to plan before?”

You could: • Learn calligraphy, to add a personal touch to your wedding invitations or place cards.

• Make your own confetti. If you’ve got a garden, or have a bouquet of flowers, you can dry out petals to make beautiful, natural confetti.

• Take some extra time to hone those vows and speeches, to allow you to do something truly special.

If you’ve got a garden, or have a bouquet of flowers, you can dry out petals to make beautiful, natural confetti. more common for weddings. It’s also a good reason to continue celebrations after the day, when you can catch-up with loved ones who couldn’t attend in person.

4 REMEMBER WHY YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED “If there’s one positive thing, it’s that the process of having to postpone has 100% brought me closer to my partner,” Becky says.

“It’s confirmed just how much we love each other and, at the end of

the day, that’s the most important thing. I’m only glad that, whenever our wedding happens, it’s going to be a big celebration of love, not only between us, but our families and friends, too.”

And why not celebrate the original date you were meant to be getting married? Use it as a reason to have a little celebration, just the two of you. You could get dressed up, put your wedding rings on, have a date night – and maybe even say your vows to one another.

Although this may feel like a huge upheaval right now, remember that on your wedding day – whenever that may be – this will seem like a dim and distant memory. Your relationship will have survived a truly testing experience, and it will make the celebration of the love between you feel even more special, knowing what you overcame to get there.

For more information, Hitched, the UK’s number one digital wedding planner, has advice on all things relating to weddings and coronavirus – from whether your wedding insurance will cover postponement, to whether you’ll be able to collect your wedding dress during lockdown. Wishing you the best of luck, for when your big day does arrive.

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TRUE LIFE

Learning to grieve with love, kindness and forgiveness Sharon’s world fell apart the day her son took his own life. She was stuck in a destructive cycle, and felt completely alone. But with antidepressants, mindfulness tools, retraining herself with self-care routines, and the positive inspiration of others around her, she is learning how to cope, one day at a time...

Writing | Sharon Truesdale

W

hen we lose someone, we’re reminded that it’s part of the circle of life, that we should have faith in loved ones being in a better place, an eternal life where we will all be together again, to create a picture that death is tolerable.

What we don’t expect is that when someone we love dies, grief begins and uncontrollable emotions, thoughts, and behaviours can take over the life we once knew. The thoughts of the circle of life or heaven sounds wonderful, but it doesn’t fill the void or the unbearable pain we now have in our hearts.

I want to tell you about my first experiences of death, and how on that day the old Sharon died, too. Everything I was, and everything I believed in, no longer existed. For a long time, the only thing that survived was the presence of a body, barely existing, not living – a broken spirit.

Before that day, Sharon was a meticulous, youth worker in special education for the Education Authority for Northern Ireland. I was a mother to four beautiful children – Matthew, 17, Natasha, 15, Annie Jean, eight, and Daniel, one. Living alone with the children had its

challenges, but I loved my family, and always put their needs first.

Things began as usual on Thursday 11 October 2012; the alarm beeped, and it was time to wake the girls for school, and Matthew for work.

Daniel was teething and, thankfully, was being looked after by his father. I went outside to a detached annex to wake up Matthew, but as I opened the door I found my oldest, first-born son was dead. He had taken his own life. My heart broke, and a part of me died with him.

Matthew had struggled with his mental health from a young

age. Unfortunately, professional support was limited – Matthew would display self-harm, I’d take him to the doctors, and a referral was made to a specialist support service.

With long waiting lists due to a shortage of resources, by the time contact was made Matthew’s behaviour had improved, and so no intervention took place. This was a repeated pattern.

The May before Matthew died, we visited a GP. When they asked how they could help, Matthew replied: “Give me a lethal injection.”

He was referred to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS). >>> June 2020 • happiful.com • 87

He had taken his own life.

My heart broke, and a part of me died with him

After crying while detailing Matthew’s self-harm, and his previous suicide attempt to the psychiatrist, social worker and counsellor sitting before me, I was told that as a youth worker with ‘more’ resources, I should put him on an anger management programme.

No other support was given.

My son died without any medical intervention.

Remembering this still brings me much heartache and pain. Matthew had been growing into such a lovely young man; making plans for his 18th birthday, learning to drive, he was the one who always told jokes, and helped me bring all the shopping bags in from the car.

88 • happiful.com • June 2020

The first year after he died was spent in what professionals would call the ‘grief cycle’, but to me felt like I was going mad.

Wearing Matthew’s socks, sitting at his graveside for hours, unable to sleep due to flashbacks, and forgetting to eat, didn’t fit nicely into the grief cycle.

Two weeks after Matthew’s death, I was making plans to join him.

I somehow managed to phone a helpline and decided I needed to live to support others like Matthew and me, who weren’t able to get help.

For a while this thought helped, until Mother’s Day when the suicidal thoughts returned.

Standing in my bedroom I cried for help, but no one was there to hear me – except out the corner of my eye I saw my Bible. I had my arguments with God – why me? Why Matthew? As I cried, prayed, screamed and shouted, I ended up living another day.

I never truly told anyone how I was feeling. To cope, I started to drink alcohol to sleep, and used online shopping auctions to feel some sense of control. But while I thought no one was noticing, my daughter Natasha, and my partner Terry, started to subtly talk to me.

As life went on for others, I was stuck. I

lost all motivation. As the accumulation of debt and addiction to drink was pointed out to me, I decided something had to change.

I was doing a counselling course, and while I was learning how to treat others without judgement, and with respect – which felt easy to do – the hardest learning was practising this on myself.

I went to my GP and agreed to take an antidepressant, and in turn my sleep and mood improved. I saw a counsellor for nine months, and learned to forgive myself, accepting that the only thing I have control over is me. I started

When I was reliving the past, I learned mindfulness tools to bring me back to the present to listen to my feelings, and acknowledged my behaviours and thoughts.

Where my thoughts were negative, I looked for the positives. When I was reliving the past, I learned mindfulness tools to bring me back to the present.

When my feelings became uncontrollable, I practised breathing skills to allow me to be more in control and focused.

I had to retrain myself to make sure I got up in the morning, made the bed, ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. The days I didn’t want to do anything, I made myself get out. Some days, even opening a letter was a chore, so I gave myself

praise for all the things that I was doing. I stood in front of the mirror and gave myself positive affirmations, and slowly I started to cope better.

During this journey I was inspired by others: friends who would help with practical things, such as making me a sandwich, and allowing me to talk; the community helping people feel valued by placing painted stones with positive messages in public gardens; and donations of a bench to encourage people to sit.

I found books helpful, and was inspired by those who shared their story. In October 2019, I felt strong enough to

publish my story, Forever Young. Through sharing my personal experience, I hope to support others who have been affected by suicide, and help break the stigma.

While grieving the loss of my son, I learned how important talking and taking care of myself has been to my recovery. To do this sincerely, I had to show myself love, kindness, and forgiveness. There are support services out there, but with limited resources, I learned selfhelp techniques I could use until they became available. I finally learned that I didn’t have to be on my own.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Sharon was in a cycle of despair and uncontrolled emotions after her son took his own life. She used unhelpful coping behaviours as she struggled to accept his death, and felt stuck.

Yet as she allowed herself to accept help, and began to understand her feelings, she offered herself compassion.

And, in turn, things changed; she started to take better care of herself. When we’re struggling, it’s important to use our support networks, as they help us on our journey to recovery.

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) UKRCP Reg Ind counsellor

June 2020 • happiful.com • 89

Repeat after me…

I am worthy of self-love.

Here are five mantras to help you embrace your inner-power

With origins in Hinduism and Buddhism, a mantra is a repeated phrase that helps us set intentions.

And when we set intentions, it’s that much easier to reach our goals.

This month, we challenge you to embrace these self-love mantras.

Repeat them to yourself in the mirror in the morning, through stressful times during the day, and last thing at night. Tune in to your inner-strength – it’s there waiting for you.

I am worthy of love, support, and respect I am capable of overcoming the challenges that come my way I am in the process of loving my body I believe in my ability to achieve my goals I am enough

Let us know how you get on, and connect with others by joining the Happiful Readers’ Panel on Facebook.

Photography | Juskteez Vu

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Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars – MARTIN LUTHER KING JR

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