Happiful October 2018

The Magazine Devoted to Mental Health

Master ~ Your ~

* DOWNLOAD *

FREE SELF-CARE

Mantra

Discover your inner cheerleader & reclaim your self-worth

HANDBOOK Take time out for you

WAYS TO BEAT SUNDAY NIGHT ANXIETY

D E L I C I O U S LY

ELLA

Change your tune and work nine to thrive

M I L L S

Start your week right, p52

The real story behind building her business

373000

Choose yourself: join the trailblazing author pioneering a self-love revolution

Why we're wearing yellow this World Mental Health Day

9 772514

T H E S LU M

Chidera #saggyboobsmatter

HELLO #YELLOW 10

The disability fashion brand bossing individuality

happiful.com | £4.00

EXPRESS yourself OW E R FL

Oct 2018 / £4

O CLICK T OAD DOWNL

Time for

Self-care x

with Happiful

Editor’s Favourites

Choose Yourself I dare you to read our interview with Chidera Eggerue and not be immediately drawn to this incredibly engaging, articulate and empowering woman. She embodies everything we are focusing on this month in her mantra: choose yourself.

Of course, some days will be harder than others, but embracing the small victories – whether that’s making the bed, or just getting out of it – reminds us that even if it feels slow, or that we’ve taken a step backwards now and then, we are still progressing.

As we celebrate World Mental Health Day this October, we want to encourage you to never be ashamed of who you are. Whatever you might be contending with health-wise, however difficult that can be, know that neither mental nor physical illness takes away from you as a person. Not one bit.

And as exhausting as mental illness can be sometimes, and as draining as it can often feel to continuously work on yourself and what you want most from life, as Chidera says, choose yourself. It’s the best decision you’ll ever make.

From Drew recognising how his bipolar disorder has helped him to pursue his dreams, to the two Irish sisters behind disability fashion brand Izzy Wheels and their tagline, “If you can’t stand up, stand out”, we hope to inspire you to accept all parts of yourself, and see how you’ve grown as a person from every experience.

We hope you feel inspired to love yourself – all parts of yourself – this month, and know we’re with you every step of the way.

Happy reading,

Rebecca Thair Editor

You are amazing. Never forget that.

Don’t forget to join us on social media, we love getting to know you! happiful.com

happifulhq

@happifulhq

@happiful_magazine

This Month in Happiful

32 38

84

14

29

18

62

Look INSIDE

Features

The Uplift

READER OFFER

18 Chidera Eggerue

8 In the news

Print

Discovering the power of ‘choosing yourself’ with the woman behind the #saggyboobsmatter movement

32 Extreme mindfulness Finding mindful moments in adrenaline-fuelled activities

47 Positive affirmations

The science behind positive statements and how they can empower you

70 Ella Mills

A candid chat with the founder of Deliciously Ella on love and life lessons

Life Stories 29 Finding the good after evil Lili Sinclair-Williams felt traumatised following a violent attack. But between her support network and cognitive hypnotherapy, she’s feeling like a stronger person

43 Accepting life’s challenges

While managing his bipolar disorder hasn’t always been easy, Drew Cockton believes it’s also been a huge factor in him following his dreams

65 Letting go of perfect

Charlotte Duff has learned to accept the depression and anxiety that once ruled her life, and now feels free

87 Empowered to heal

12 The wellbeing wrap 14 What is gatekeeping?

Have you ever felt shutdown for not responding the ‘right’ way?

62 Izzy Wheels

84 YoungMinds charity

Why you should support the charity by wearing yellow on 10 October

Lifestyle & Relationships 38 Bronagh Waugh

The actor talks LGBT+ and human rights, and finding catharsis in gritty dramas

50 Self-care corner

£40

For 12 print issues!

Pay for 10 months, get 2 free Happiful delivered to your door before it hits the shelves UK post and packaging included Competitions and prize draws!

Digital

81 OCD insight

A look into the disorder from a neurobiological perspective

Culture 41 The secret to sleep 61 Things to do in October

Happiful Hacks

90 Unsung hero

The story of a little girl losing her sight, based on the author’s own experiences

The hospice volunteer who’s given more than 4,000 hours of her time

Food & Drink

26 Talk to kids about MH

54 Lunchbox delights

52 Sunday night anxiety

56 Meridian menus

74 Long-distance friendships

£57

The blogger pens a personal piece on learning to thrive on your own

68 Happiful reads

a bad week

AT THE CHECKOUT

76 Estée Lalonde

Abused as a child, Keeley Stephenson is healing more day by day, and has big plans for her future

16 Stop a bad day turning into

ENTER CODE:

HAPMAGOCT

The brand championing freedom and expression for all

A delicious wrap recipe for all occasions

When it comes to eating for your mind and body, the spirit could be key...

FREE

Completely free online Same great content as in print Exclusive offers Competitions!

OUR PLEDGE For every tree we use to print this magazine, we will ensure two are planted or grown.

Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing. Offer expires 19 November 2018. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

Visit happiful.com

EXPERT PANEL Introducing the professionals behind Happiful Magazine helping to ensure we deliver the highest quality advice

OUR TEAM EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Editorial Assistant Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Fe Robinson | Expert Advisor Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director Charlotte Reynell | Graphic Designer Rosan Magar | Illustrator

(h on s)

) cr ed

P( AC BA MA B

BS

Ac

c

CONTRIBUTORS

RAV SEKHON

SONAL SHAH

Rav is a counsellor with more than 10 years’ experience.

Sonal is a nutritional therapist, health tutor and director of Synergy Nutrition.

Amie Sparrow, EsteĂŠ Lalonde, Kat Nicholls, Maurice Richmond, Fiona Thomas, Bonnie Evie Gifford, Ben Edwards, Ellen Hoggard, Michelle Morley, Lucy Donoughue, Kyle Clarke, Noel Bell, Lili Sinclair-Williams, Drew Cockton, Charlotte Duff, Keeley Stephenson SPECIAL THANKS

Reg Ind

)

ed )B AC P

BA CP (Re g

M g) (Re MUKCP

Janette Owen, Joseph Sinclair, Suzie Street, Alice Theobald, Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Rav Sekhon, Sonal Shah, Nicola Rae-Wickham, George Hawksworth, Brett Smith

( CP MBA

cr Ac

COMMUNICATIONS

FE ROBINSON

GRAEME ORR

Fe is a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor. Fe advises on our content.

Graeme is a counsellor who specialises in relationships and advises on our life stories.

Lucy Donoughue Head of Content and Communications lucy.donoughue@happiful.com Amie Sparrow PR Manager amie.sparrow@happiful.com

LP AN BA M

Di

p

M

str

Ps ych U

KCP

Maurice Richmond Media and Communications Officer maurice.richmond@happiful.com

MA

PG

MANAGEMENT

RACHEL COFFEY

NOEL BELL

Rachel is a life coach looking to encourage confidence and motivation.

Noel is a psychotherapist, focusing on relationships, addiction and encouraging personal growth.

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Steve White | Finance Director Happiful c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL

SC Di NLP

Contact Us hello@happiful.com

N LP

PP D

Printed by Pensord

BEN EDWARDS

NICOLA RAE-WICKHAM

Ben is a self-confidence expert and relationship coach.

Nicola is a creative mentor and NLP practitioner.

FURTHER INFO

Happiful magazine is FSC certified. Please help us preserve our planet by recycling this magazine. Why not pass on your copy to a friend afterwards?

Alternatively, please place it in a recycling bin. Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC certified sources. The FSC label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions,

views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values.

Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties. Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and registered in England and Wales with company number 05489185 and VAT number GB 920805837. Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL.

EXTEND KINDNESS TO YOURSELF

Photography | Gian Cescon

“There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself.”

– Brian Andreas

The Uplift

FOOD

Studies find tea could reduce the risk of memory loss and diabetes It’s the nation’s favourite way to start the day, but now research shows that your morning cuppa could reduce the risk of developing age-related diseases

8 • happiful • October 2018

also found that EGCG significantly improved insulin resistance – a problem often associated with ageing – with scientists finding that drinking one cup of black tea after dinner each day can improve blood glucose control, due to the tea’s major bioactive compounds.

Speaking on the findings, Dr Tim Bond, TAP’s lead scientist with more than 18 years of experience researching tea, points to the unique ways that teas can reduce cognitive decline, due to the way that anti-inflammatory compounds can reduce inflammation in brain nerve cells.

“These latest study findings, together with many other published studies, continue to suggest that Britain’s favourite beverage is good for our health, including our bones, heart, vascular system and skin, to name just a few health and wellbeing benefits, whatever your age,” says Tim. So whether you have it green, black, or with a splash of milk, a good brew could be the key to healthy ageing.

Kathryn Wheeler

Could pasta straws become the quirky alternative to plastic?

To address the damage that singleuse plastic straws are having on the environment, Italian fast-food chain Coco di Mama has launched the “Pastraw” – an eco way to sip your drinks. The straws, which are made of 100% uncooked eggfree pasta, are perfect for use in cold drinks, and can last for three times longer than paper straws.

With World Pasta Day being celebrated on 25 October, it’s the perfect excuse to give them a try.

So tagliatelle your friends, pasta straws could be an environmental gamechanger!

Pasta Straws | pastastraws.org

A

fter water, tea is the second most commonly consumed beverage in the world, so research collated by the Tea Advisory Panel (TAP) is good news for many of us.

An observational study, published in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, looked at more than 1,000 Japanese people and found that drinking one cup of green tea each day was associated with a 38% reduction in risk of memory loss and cognitive impairment, while two or more cups a day meant a 54% reduction in risk.

But that’s not all. Another study published in The FASEB Journal considered the effect of epigallocatechin-3-gallate (EGCG) – the major antioxidant and antiinflammatory compound in black and green tea – on three different diets.

Researchers discovered that people who consumed EGCG sustained less memory loss than the other two groups, and the compound also reduced cell damage caused by high fat and high fructose diets. The study

Positive ISSUES

BODY CONFIDENCE

Increase in demand for surgery to look like filtered selfies Researchers reveal the impact of social media filters on our self-esteem and body image

A

worrying statistic from researchers at Boston Medical Center, Massachusetts, reveals that 55% of surgeons report seeing patients who want surgery to improve their selfies.

Doctors reported that in the past, photos of celebrities were commonplace in the plastic surgery consultation room, but now it’s more likely for a patient to whip out a filtered selfie of themselves. This trend has been dubbed “Snapchat dysmorphia” by surgeons.

“This is an alarming trend because those filtered selfies often present an unattainable look and are blurring the line of reality and fantasy for these patients,” say researchers in a JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery Viewpoint article.

Discussing the effect filtered images can have on self-esteem, researchers explain how they can “make one feel inadequate for

not looking a certain way in the real world, and may even act as a trigger and lead to body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)”.

BDD causes sufferers to feel they have some sort of “flaw” in their appearance, and become consumed with anxiety surrounding it. This can lead sufferers to avoid social interaction and engage in repetitive behaviours such as checking themselves in the mirror or skin picking. For some, plastic surgery seems like the only solution.

The researchers say surgery is not the right course of treatment in these instances, explaining that surgery can exacerbate the problem. Instead, they recommend psychological interventions such as cognitive behavioural therapy, and for clinicians to approach the patient with empathy.

Visit counselling-directory.org.uk to find out more about counselling for BDD. Kat Nicholls

An artful solution: life drawing Artists including Alastair Adams, the former president of the Royal Society of Portrait Painters, say life drawing could help those disillusioned by social media filtered selfies.

Speaking to The Telegraph, Alastair said: “I would urge people to get involved in life drawing, which has the benefit of allowing people to question what the ‘ideal’ body is.”

Simon Whittle, president of the Hesketh Hubbard Art Society agrees with Adams.

“Life drawing is an opportunity to study the human form, folds, blemishes and all – and look with your own two eyes in the flesh, not wondering if the image you’re obsessing over has been photoshopped.

“I think it’s also crucial for us to remember that with people on social media it’s not just their physical appearance that they make out to be perfect, it’s their life – and that isn’t always the case.”

October 2018 • happiful • 9

The Uplift

NEWS

Is there a link between sunlight exposure and OCD? Researchers in America claim that living at higher latitudes, where there is less sunlight, could increase the risk of developing OCD

S

pecialists at Binghamton University, New York, meticulously read through reports on where patients with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) were living, and recorded their locations’ latitudes (their angular distance north or south of the earth’s equator).

They believe those living at higher latitudes, where sunlight is vastly reduced, are at greater risk of an OCD diagnosis.

Countries recorded at the highest latitudes are Russia, northern Canada, and Greenland. Other countries at high latitudes include Norway, Finland, and Sweden.

Reflecting on the results, Meredith Coles, professor of psychology at Binghamton, said: “The results of this project are exciting because they provide additional evidence for a new way of thinking about OCD. “Specifically, they show that living in areas with more sunlight is related to lower rates of OCD.” Researchers say that the science behind it could be the body’s internal

10 • happiful • October 2018

clock, or circadian rhythm, being out of line with nature. The study reports that this mismatch is easier to realign in sunlight than darkness.

Experts added that people with OCD commonly have difficulty in falling asleep until later than desired.

This can result in oversleeping to compensate for that lost sleep, and the delayed sleep-wake pattern may have adverse effects on OCD symptoms.

Professor Coles continued: “This delayed sleep-wake pattern may reduce exposure to morning light, thereby potentially contributing to a misalignment between our internal biology and the external light-dark cycle.

“People who live in areas with less sunlight may have less opportunities to synchronise their circadian clock, leading to increased OCD symptoms.”

Specialists working on the study say that while it is too early to introduce specific treatment plans based on this new information, they will be carrying out more research.

The team will also be exploring whether heightened exposure to

morning light would be beneficial to people with OCD, potentially providing better treatments to address OCD symptoms.

Maurice Richmond

Could hot dogs be the cause?

Scientists have explored how cured meats could be triggering manic episodes and bipolar disorder.

People hospitalised for an episode were three times more likely to have eaten nitrate-cured meats during their lifetime than people without a history of a serious psychiatric disorder.

Experts at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, Baltimore, have identified the chemical preservative nitrate, sometimes found in bacon, hams, salami, and hot dogs, for triggering the manic episodes.

Testers also fed rats a diet with added nitrates, and reported they had manialike hyperactivity after just a few weeks.

Positive ISSUES

EMOTIONS

Finally! Study confirms dogs can tell when we are feeling down Research shows that our canine companions know when we need comforting, and will try to come to our aid

I

t’s something that many dog owners already know to be true, but research published in the journal Learning and Behaviour has confirmed that dogs are able to identify when their owners are upset, and will instinctively try to comfort them in their time of distress.

In the study, dogs and their owners were put on either side of a clear door held shut with magnets. The owners were asked to either hum ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’, or cry.

Inspiration for the experiment came when co-author Julia Meyers-Mano, assistant professor of psychology at Ripon College, Wisconsin, was playing with her children. They buried her under pillows and, in play, she called for help. “My husband didn’t come rescue me, but, within seconds, my collie had dug me out of the pillows,” Julia told EurekAlert. “I knew that we had to do a study to test that more formally.”

The study included dogs of various breeds and sizes, including golden retrievers, pugs and labradors, with researchers noting that dogs who opened the door did so three times faster when their owners were crying than those who had been humming.

In addition, the dogs’ stress levels were measured, revealing that those who opened the door showed less stress, meaning they were upset by the crying but still took action, whereas those who did not open the door showed the most stress, suggesting they were too upset by their owner’s crying to do anything.

“Dogs have been by the side of humans for tens of thousands of years and they’ve learned to read our social cues,” says Emily Sanford, lead author of the study. “Dog owners can tell their dogs sense their feelings. Our findings reinforce that idea, and show that, like Lassie, dogs who know their people are in trouble might spring into action.”

Kathryn Wheeler

They call it puppy love – 54% of people say their pet is their best friend A study, commissioned by Freshpet, surveyed more than 2,000 pet owners and found three in 10 people say their pet is a better listener than their partner, and 44% prefer to cuddle their furry friends. In addition, 54% say their pet is their best friend and, when it comes to choosing who they would rather spend the rest of their life with, 14% would choose their pets.

While Hannah Edwards from Freshpet admits the results are surprising, she told the Independent: “What they actually demonstrate is just how much us Brits love our pets and why they’re such an important part of our families.”

October 2018 • happiful • 11

The

wellbeing wrap

From a sign of support for the deaf community, to the perfect excuse to watch a scary movie, here’s a brief look at the fascinating, bizarre, and moving moments making the news this month

The ‘zombie’ gene

They say an elephant never forgets, but did you know elephants also almost never die from cancer – just 5% of them compared to 25% of humans. A recent study published in Cell Reports suggests that elephants have what could be called a “zombie” gene, which switches into action when their DNA is damaged, and results in the cell dying – before it can turn cancerous. While this is just a small part of a big picture, scientists hope that by studying the animals and how they’ve evolved to resist cancer, they can help to treat humans in the future.

With Halloween fast approaching, you may be interested to hear that watching scary movies could actually do you some good!

In a study published in the journal Stress, researchers revealed that watching films that leave us jumpy and scared can trigger our fight-or-flight response. This releases adrenaline and increases our levels of white blood cells, which help to fight infection.

So if you’re feeling a little run-down this October, popping on a scary flick could be just the thing to boost your immune system.

A message of hope

After nearly taking his own life at a bridge in Lanark, Scotland, bodybuilder Alastair Wilson is hoping to save the lives of others. Alastair has created cards and secured them to the bridge, in partnership with men’s mental health charity Brothers in Arms. Messages on the cards include numbers for support helplines, and in Alastair’s words, “telling them that no matter what’s happened, they still matter”. Alastair notes: “Even if one resonates and saves one person, mission accomplished.”

Have your say

Trick or treat?

Changing gear From 2019, UK drivers with mental health problems will be able to apply for disabled parking permits, meaning that people with non-visible disabilities (e.g. autism) and less obvious mental health difficulties, will be able to utilise disabled parking spaces. Alongside those with physical disabilities, this new system will support those who experience “considerable psychological distress” when travelling, struggle with the experience of walking, and those where travelling could risk their own or others’ safety.

A new national public survey, led by the Synergi Collaborative Centre, to further research into ethnic inequalities in severe mental illness has opened online. With black African people and black Caribbean people being five to six times more likely to be diagnosed with schizophrenia than the majority of the population, the results will help to launch a campaign looking to transform health systems in the UK, and address inequalities. To take part, visit surveymonkey.co.uk/r/synergipublicsurvey before 10 October.

12 • happiful • October 2018

Pumped for Halloween?

Sun Tianqi | theverge.com

Time to care The average person with dementia in a care home receives a mere two minutes of meaningful social interaction each day, but training staff in patientcentred care and increasing this to just 10 minutes can improve resident wellbeing. Professor Clive Ballard, who led the research from the University of Exeter Medical School, said: “Imagine life with just two minutes of social interaction each day. To accept this is discrimination against people with dementia. We urgently need to do better.”

Researchers hope to roll out their training to more care homes, to support the needs of those with dementia.

Did you know that, along with being great for “slime” to creep out kids, pumpkin seeds could actually help with our mental health? Being rich in potassium, eating pumpkin seeds could help reduce stress and anxiety symptoms. They are also an excellent source of zinc, which supports brain and nerve development. Perhaps ditching the candy in exchange for some pumpkin seeds isn’t such a scary thought after all?

Planting ideas No, unfortunately this isn’t a real-life Pokémon… Sun Tianqi, a Chinese roboticist and entrepreneur, has developed a robot that carries a potted plant, moving in and out of sunshine as required, and lets you know the plant needs watering by doing a little dance! The idea is that while plants are “heliotropic” (they grow towards the light), this little robot can do the hard work for them, ensuring our plants are as well-tended as possible.

A grande idea Starbucks has announced it will be opening its first signing store in Washington, DC, employing up to 25 deaf, hard of hearing, and hearing people, where it will be a requirement that all staff are able to use American Sign Language (ASL). The coffee chain is looking to increase employment opportunities for the deaf community, alongside creating a welcoming space for those use ASL.

In a galaxy far, far away...

Want to know who really lived happily ever after? Science fiction and fantasy fans apparently. According to a study published in Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, those who read sci-fi and fantasy books are great at relationships, having scored the highest in a test on expectations and misconceptions relating to romantic partners and relationships. So if you’re looking for a prospective partner, may the force be with you...

How to say “coffee” in ASL October 2018 • happiful • 13

The Uplift | The Explainer

W

Gatekeeping? t is ha

‘You say you have depression but you still go to work every day, so how bad is it really?’, ‘OK, so you often feel anxious, but I saw you went to a packed-out concert the other day so you can hardly say you have anxiety.’

Do these comments sound familiar? We hope not, but judging someone else’s experience is called gatekeeping, and we need to close the door on it Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar

G

atekeeping can take many forms, but generally refers to the act of limiting a person’s access to something, be it a community, a label or even a diagnosis, because they don’t live up to certain standards set by those already initiated. Maybe it’s a fan club for a band where if you can’t name the drummer’s favourite sandwich filling then you’re not a real fan, or a book club where, unless you’ve read the entire Booker Prize longlist cover to cover, you can hardly call yourself a bookworm.

It’s disheartening, not to mention infuriating. But when it comes to mental health gatekeeping, things start to get damaging very quickly.

We all know that opening up about a mental health problem is the first step to working through it, and talking to people who are experiencing something similar can

14 • happiful • October 2018

be really helpful. But being met with gatekeeping comments such as: “You seem to be looking after yourself, so what’s the problem?”, or “When I was going through that I couldn’t even get out of bed, so is it really that bad?”, sets unrealistic and unhelpful standards based on a particular, or personal, idea of what mental illnesses should look like.

But what would drive someone who experiences mental health problems themselves to invalidate others’ experiences? Rav Sekhon, a counsellor with more than 10 years’ experience, believes that when it comes to mental health gatekeeping, there is some comfort to be found in vetting others.

“There appears to be a nature of ‘outdoing’ others, and posing oneself as a self-acclaimed expert in ‘how to do this right’,” Rav tells us. “For example: ‘You aren’t depressed if you have a good day, as people who are depressed don’t have that.’”

Gatekeeping ignores the fact that we are all susceptible to mental health issues, which may not always be a consistent experience “Some people may find satisfaction in being the leader of their diagnosis – ‘I’m the most unwell.’ It might support them in finding some comfort in what can be a very dark and lonely place.”

To some extent, gatekeeping helps people build a community, or a support system, of people going through the same thing. This is fine for the people

Trending UPDATE

who qualify, but not so much for those who have been excluded.

Gatekeeping can have a hugely damaging effect on someone who is just coming to terms with a diagnosis, or who is unsure about whether they need to seek help. Additionally, Rav points out that this type of gatekeeping ignores the fact that we are all susceptible to mental health issues, which may not always be a consistent experience.

“For example, depression may be felt in many different capacities by each individual. To be criticised for not being depressed in a (suggested)

correct manner could be very harmful to an individual’s wellbeing – this is in addition to the difficulties that already come with feeling depressed,” says Rav. Rav’s advice for anyone who experiences gatekeeping when opening up about their mental health is simple: disregard it.

There’s no “standard” way to experience mental health and it’s absolutely not a competition. Sure, there may be someone out there who has it worse, but that doesn’t discount what you’re going through.

Understand that if someone is down-

playing your experience because it does not match their own, this may be coming from a place of pain or self-preservation. But if gatekeeping is affecting you negatively, take a step away from this person and don’t let their comments stop you from seeking help.

Stick to your guns, speak to someone who makes you feel heard, and never feel that your emotions are invalid because you experience them in different ways to others.

We’re all individuals, and the best person to judge whether what you’re experiencing is normal for you, is you.

October 2018 • happiful • 15

Happiful Hack

55

GREAT GOOD IDEAS

T O D A Y 16 • happiful • October 2018

How to stop a

bad day

turning into a

bad week

A few things going wrong need not cast a dark shadow over everything. Here are some simple tips to help you turn a terrible today into a terrific tomorrow Writing | Fiona Thomas Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Y

ou’ve probably woken up some mornings with a horrible feeling that hangs overhead like an ominous dark cloud, leaving you grumpy and irritable before the day has even started.

This often leads to a day filled with problems and negative interactions, which might leave you wondering: “What else could possibly go wrong today?”

Whether it’s falling out with your partner, stubbing your big toe, or mistakenly putting deodorant in your hair and dry shampoo under your arms (we’ve all been there), just one small thing can set the wheels in motion for a day you’d rather forget.

Believe it or not, experts agree that Tuesday, around midday, is scientifically the most stressful time of the week – with work and lack of sleep cited as the biggest contributors to a bad day.

Surveys show that the average UK employee experiences eight hours of mental or emotional strain a week, and 23% of people say they’re stressed every day. But we want to make sure you don’t let this become the norm.

1 Don’t call it a bad day

You’ve probably heard of the placebo effect, which is when patients are given inert treatment for an ailment, but it still leads them to experience relief or lower levels of pain as a result.

This works in reverse, too. So if you’re expecting a certain level of pain, then it’s medically proven that your brain will experience heightened levels of pain, meaning that your expectations can have a tangible impact on your perception of reality.

So if you wake up on the wrong side of bed, burn your toast, miss the bus, and declare it a “bad day”, then you’re guaranteed to feel worse than if you just brush it off and move on.

Experts agree that Tuesday, around midday, is the most stressful time of the week – with work and lack of sleep cited as the biggest contributors to a bad day

TOMORROW Write down one good thing you have achieved today, this week, and this year... you’ll be surprised at all the amazing things you’ve done!

2 Stop the negative cycle

Although negative thoughts are natural, going over and over those thoughts in your mind is something that scientists call “rumination”, and it can lead to increased feelings of depression and anxiety.

Learn to hear your negative thoughts, then actively challenge them and question whether they are factually correct.

For example, when you burned your toast this morning, your inner critic probably said something like: “You’re such an idiot.”

Try to listen to that dialogue with an outsider’s perspective and ask: “Does burning a piece of toast really make me an idiot?”

The more likely scenario is that you overslept because you were tired, got distracted because you were running late, and you need to learn to slow down and take a break.

3 Get outside

Sitting inside and overthinking how bad your day has been is counterproductive, and, as we’ve

already mentioned, can actually lead to you being more perceptive to negative feelings.

Take the opportunity to give your brain the energy it needs by walking outside in nature, which is proven to revitalise you and make you feel happier.

Studies show that typical outdoor smells ­– such as lavender or pine trees – can reduce stress levels and increase relaxation, while simply breathing fresh air can increase energy in most people.

4 Reflect on what you have achieved

A bad day can leave you feeling like a failure if you let it get on top of you.

Although there’s nothing wrong with moping around for a little while, take a few minutes at the end of the day to reflect on all the great things you’ve achieved recently.

Our brains naturally focus on our failings more than our triumphs, so we need to work extra hard to keep those wins at the forefront of our minds.

Write down one good thing you have achieved today, this week, and this year so far, and you’ll be surprised at all the amazing things you’ve done!

5 Set realistic expectations

If your bad day has hit you hard mentally, then give yourself a little breathing space to recover.

Take time in the afternoon to acknowledge what you’re feeling, be it sadness, anger, frustration, or whatever emotion has taken over your brain.

Then be sure to jump back on the horse – but with realistic expectations of what you’re capable of if your mood has started to affect your capabilities.

For example, if you know you have a bad habit of emotional eating, then get a few ingredients to make a simple but healthy meal at home – and stock up on a few treats, like popcorn, fresh strawberries, or dark chocolate, to give you some comfort.

If you need to, cancel any plans and spend an evening taking care of yourself instead, enjoying your favourite self-care activities, such as reading, watching a movie, or doing a yoga class.

October 2018 • happiful • 17

Shirt | Scotch & Soda, Trousers | American Apparel, Necklace | Stylist’s own

WHAT A TIME TO BE

Yourself Award-winning blogger and author of What a Time to Be Alone: The Slumflower’s Guide to Why You Are Already Enough, Chidera Eggerue is a modern-day philosopher and self-help advocate.

Known as The Slumflower to her more than 220,000 social media followers, the Peckham native has inspired women around the globe to recognise their self-wor th, avoid toxic relationships, and promotes the power of minding your own business (‘it’s the new black’).

Chidera strode into the studio for her Happiful cover shoot braless and cheerful. What followed was an inspiring conversation about being uncompromisingly true to yourself, what it really is to ‘choose yourself ’, and why #saggyboobsmatter Interview | Amie Sparrow

Photography | Joseph Sinclair

Saggy Boobs Matter

Y

ou can never be too proud of yourself.

Anybody who tries to make you feel embarrassed for being proud of yourself wants you to be smaller. You should never shrink yourself for anybody,” says Chidera Eggerue.

“Whether you’re conscious of it or not, your light is so bright and it should not be dimmed at all – because you deserve that,” she adds matter-offactly. “In a world that tells you that you don’t even deserve to be here, in a world that tells you that you’re deserving of love only if you meet certain conditions, absolutely take up as much space as you want to, be as loud as you want to, because nobody’s going to protect you like you can protect yourself.”

These aren’t just words the Pecknam native has rehearsed; meet the What a Time to Be Alone author in person and it becomes immediately apparent that there’s something about her. And that something is that she is boldly and unapologetically herself – and she wants you to be boldly you, too.

A common theme throughout Chidera’s book and blog is “choose yourself ” – a statement that seems equal parts common sense and impossible. I think back to a page in What a Time to Be Alone that put a lump in my throat, and, as I read it back to her now, and tell her how much her words touched me, I feel that lump coming back again.

It reads both simply and powerfully: “Choose yourself. Over and over again. Even when you’ve let yourself down. Choose yourself. Even when it feels uncomfortable. Choose yourself.

Even when you’re tired. Choose yourself.”

20 • happiful • October 2018

I quickly explain away the feeling – I wasn’t expecting to be affected by those words so much – but Chidera is genuinely touched and thanks me for it. I have to ask her: Why does the concept of choosing yourself feel so intimidating?

“When people are told to choose themselves, they often feel quite scared by that idea, because choosing yourself often means disappointing other people,” Chidera muses. “You learn in life that if you want to get far, you’re going to have to disappoint people – especially people that you love.”

All you can do is try to be the healthy version of yourself, and surround yourself with people who will bring out the best in you Evolving into a newer version of yourself comes from deciding that you’re worth the effort you’re going to put into yourself, and to Chidera, that’s definitely something worth celebrating.

However, she recognises that becoming a healthier version of ourselves can be difficult, with the risk that we may leave people behind. And it involves a lot of accountability.

“It involves you visiting situations where you believed you were right, realising you were wrong, and having to reckon with that,” she says. “Some people just aren’t ready for that work – it’s exhausting, and heartbreaking. But all you can do is try to be the healthy version of yourself, and surround yourself with people who will bring out the best in you.”

Reading this, I’m sure there are friends and loved ones who immediately come to mind; those people who always leave you feeling better than before you spoke. Then, there are others – people who exhaust you and leave you feeling worse about yourself. It’s an uncomfortable thought. But, if it’s at the cost of your own happiness, it’s a feeling that may be worth examining.

Once you’ve made that decision to better yourself, often the hardest part can be keeping that momentum for change. Chidera’s advice? “Wake up every day with the intention that your role is to just be better than yesterday.

You have to believe you are deserving of that love from yourself. Every single choice you’re making right now is leading you closer to the person deep down that you want to be.”

Part of Chidera’s own work on herself recently includes going to therapy, something that she says helps her to feel seen.

“If you’re in a position where you can afford a monthly Spotify membership, you can get your nails done, buy a new pair of trainers, then I think you can afford to put aside money and invest in therapy. Everyone deserves therapy, and I think it’s important that we put that work into ourselves,” she says.

“Therapy definitely helps me, but it’s not there to fix you; it’s there to hold a mirror in front of you, and it’s up to you to decide what to do with what you see.”

For some people, counselling is an expense their bank balance just can’t stretch to. Recognising this, Chidera says there are a lot of ways to help yourself for free, like giving yourself more room to sit with your emotions.

Even just going online you can find support networks and advice.

Continues >>>

Choose YOURSELF

Leotard bodysuit | American Apparel, Shoes | ASOS, Necklace | Stylist’s own

In a world that tells you that you don’t even deserve to be here, in a world that tells you that you’re deserving of love only if you meet certain conditions, absolutely take up as much space as you want to

October 2018 • happiful • 21

Saggy Boobs Matter

Top | Forever 21, Trousers | Scotch & Soda

22 • happiful • October 2018

Choose YOURSELF

In her continuing efforts to address her own needs, Chidera’s priority with her mental health is focusing less on being liked and more on understanding herself – something many of us strive for, but find difficult to do. Yet when people put you down, Chidera has an interesting perspective: “You’re never a reflection of how someone views you. People view you according to what the world around them looks like. And that is shaped by their experiences and how they’ve learnt to deal with them.”

Not everyone can recognise their own behaviours though, let alone break out of negative ones. But Chidera is firm in her belief that it’s not our job to try to change anyone else – a lesson many of us still need to learn.

“Every single person who wants change has to want that change from the core. You can’t spend your time trying to convince someone that they need to be a better person. All you need to spend your time doing is implementing boundaries that will protect you from people who impose themselves on you.”

“You can’t protect yourself without implementing certain cautionary measures. Every single person in your life needs to have a boundary, because love in itself needs conditions.

Everything needs conditions for it to be healthy, and to serve both parties in a balanced way.”

Speaking with Chidera, I’m amazed by the deep insight she has about herself and the people around her.

But I also wonder what motivates a person to not only dig that deep, but to then have such a drive to share it with the world.

“I want as many people as possible to understand that how they feel, however wild that feeling is, they’re not crazy and they’re not alone,” she explains. “I think the more you come across people who feel as chaotic as you do, or as lost, or as misunderstood as you do, the more comfort you will find existing in this world. So I guess my aim is to provide people with comfort.”

To fulfil this mission, Chidera is determined to not just lead by example, but to live by example. She believes nobody should have to fight to be loved, and her aim is to help people “understand that you can’t change your past, but you have a whole future ahead of you that you’re curating right now”.

Speaking with someone who holds such strong self-belief and purpose, I’m fascinated to hear where she gets that inspiration from, and who she looks up to. Without hesitation, Chidera exclaims, “Munroe Bergdorf [British trans activist and model] – I love her! She moves with tenacity and boldness, and never allows the world to tell her when to stop talking. She decides when everyone’s done. I love

You have to believe you are deserving of that love from yourself. Every single choice you’re making right now is leading you closer to the person deep down that you want to be The thing about boundaries is they can be a really hard thing to set, especially with those closest to us.

But Chidera emphasises that they are not about building a barrier to keep people out, but rather they are the key to maintaining healthy relationships.

that about her, and I hope to be able to embody that kind of spirit.”

As I sit nodding enthusiastically, I can’t help but clearly see those same qualities in Chidera, and wonder if she sees them too?

However, as a child, Chidera felt her emotions weren’t listened to, and it was a scenario she saw play out again as an adult – constantly fighting to be seen by people who said they cared about her. She realised that she was responsible for letting this dysfunctional sequence carry on or not, and just because someone else doesn’t recognise her feelings, doesn’t mean they’re not valid.

In acknowledging her own selfworth, Chidera has been able to foster much healthier relationships. She says: “Remembering that the child in me always deserves to be seen and heard is what motivates me to constantly choose to be myself in a world that tells me otherwise.”

And when talking about Chidera choosing herself and her passions, one thing you can’t help but bring up is boobs. For those who are just discovering this inspirational woman, Chidera is the mind behind the trending movement #saggyboobsmatter, which encourages women, regardless of the size or shape of their breasts, to go without a bra if they want.

Having spent time in her teenage years picking apart her body, Chidera was intent on getting a boob job as soon as she turned 18. Eventually she decided to leave her boobs in their natural state, but in true Chidera fashion, she didn’t stop there; she created a movement. The aim of #saggyboobsmatter is to empower women not to be ashamed if they don’t have “perfect”, perky boobs, and to love their bodies as they are.

Continues >>>

October 2018 • happiful • 23

24 • happiful • October 2018

light-hearted way, the aim is to give an insight into a world where you’re allowed to say no, and you’re allowed to ask adults why.”

With the photoshoot about to begin, I can’t help but think how much the world needs Chidera – a bright, positive woman who champions the best in all of us. From speaking to her, I wouldn’t want her to be anyone other than her authentic self, and it’s easy to see that’s what she wants for us, too.

“I want everyone to understand that you can have a happy ending, and that the happy ending is not necessarily a place; it’s you reaching a state of mind where you understand that you have so much value. People will always decide whether you’re a good or bad person according to their own value system, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to influence that decision.

All you can do is be yourself.”

As Chidera changes into the bold, turquoise trousers for the first of our photoshoot looks, and poses up a storm in front of the lens as Tina Turner sings out in the background, it’s clear that along with her selfbelief, Chidera’s personality is larger than life. It’s hard to imagine anyone trying to “shrink her”. It’s an image I wish all women could embody – imagine what we could accomplish if we stopped dimming our lights and realised we are in charge of our own self-worth. If we chose ourselves. Over and over again. Even when we’ve let ourselves down. Even when it feels uncomfortable. Even when we’re tired.

Choose yourself.

Chidera’s second book, ‘Scribble Yourself Feminist’ (Penguin, £7.99) is out now. Follow her on Instagram @theslumflower and join the movement using #saggyboobsmatter

The more you come across people who feel as chaotic as you do, or as lost, or as misunderstood as you do, the more comfort you will find existing in this world

Denim blazer and jeans | Waven, Shoes | Melissa

Since last summer, women from all over the world have shared their braless pictures using her hashtag, with one posting – to Chidera’s delight – “I haven’t worn a bra since @theslumflower said it’s OK not to.”

But what are her plans for the future?

“The boobs are definitely still saggy.

But what I intend to do with them, well to do with the conversation [laughs], is to make it as mainstream as possible. I don’t want anyone to feel ashamed if they’re not part of the conversation, but I want to challenge the idea that having saggy boobs makes you less deserving of love.”

Chidera is all about challenging issues – whether it’s women’s relationships with their boobs, or the people in their lives – and all it takes is a look at her social media accounts to see how many people she has positively affected. Chidera is a voice telling women it’s OK to have saggy boobs, and it’s OK to cut toxic people from your life. I can’t help but wonder if she considers herself a feminist?

“Feminism for me is remembering that I have agency. I have autonomy, and I decide what my life looks like.

I don’t have to seek permission from anybody to show up in my entirety.

For me, it looks like living life on my terms. My feminism is all about me protecting myself in a world that is never going to do that for me.”

This is a message that is important to Chidera – so much so that her second book in 2018, Scribble Yourself Feminist, is all about introducing the concept of feminism to young thinkers. The book aims to be similar to What a Time to Be Alone, but for a younger audience.

“Feminism is a human rights issue, and kids deserve to be involved in that conversation. So through discussing that in the most fun and

Book cover | Feed Me Vegan: For All Occasions published by Sphere

Hair and makeup | Alice Theobald at Joy Goodman using Burt’s Bees, Barry M, Cosmetics à La Carte, Beauty BLVD, Dollbaby London Lashes, and Bouclème Styling | Suzie Street September 2018 • happiful • 25

Happiful Hack

How to talk to kids about

mental health We wouldn’t hesitate to talk to our kids about their physical health; it’s time to make sure we feel just as comfortable talking to them about mental health Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford Illustrating | Rosan Magar

W

ith more and more people speaking out about their struggles with mental health, wellbeing, and self-care, we’re seeing the trickle-down effect this can have for us – and for our kids.

Having open, honest conversations is becoming more common, but we’ve still got room for improvement.

In early 2018, the children’s charity Barnardo’s reported that almost half of children aged between 12 and 16 feel sad or anxious at least once a week, with this figure rising to 70% specifically for 16-year-olds.

26 • happiful • October 2018

Additionally, nearly 25% reported daily negative feelings, with 80% saying they worry about their future.

While mental health education is set to become mandatory from 2020, that still leaves a pretty big gap for children who may not have been introduced to discussions around mental health yet.

By taking the time to talk to children about how they are feeling and the pressures they

4

TALKING TIPS

Life LESSONS

face, we can help them to understand more about their emotional and mental wellbeing, and to recognise signs they may be struggling.

Knowing we want to start a conversation, and knowing how to actually do it can be two very different things. Getting into the habit of having open, honest discussions in a relaxed setting can help parents feel more confident speaking about sensitive or complex topics, and children to feel more comfortable asking for help.

We spoke to three counsellors and the director of the mental health charity Time to Change to discover their top tips for how to talk to kids about mental health:

1 Do an activity together

“It doesn’t matter what the activity is as long as it’s something you can both enjoy and engage in. For example, baking, walking, or making art,” says Nora Allali-Carling, counsellor and psychotherapist. “This will give you both an opportunity to connect, relax, and may encourage the child to open up more.”

Nora explains that this informal approach helps to create a nonthreatening environment for conversations to take place. Doing so can result in the opportune moment to talk about self-care, under the guise of finding out what relaxes you, and doing nice things more often.

Children can’t always make sense of their overwhelming emotions, but giving their feelings a name helps them to develop a language for emotional and mental health 2 Help them to recognise their feelings

“Acknowledge and name your child’s feelings, but don’t necessarily leap to finding a solution to their difficulty,” Lucy Fuller, a counsellor and child and adolescent psychotherapist, recommends. “When your child is overwhelmed with emotion, for example having a tantrum, feeling sad or consumed with frustration, calmly name their feeling and let them know that it is OK to feel that way.

“To know that someone is alongside and ‘gets’ how you feel can have a very calming effect. Children can’t always make sense of their overwhelming emotions, but giving their feelings a name helps them to develop a language for emotions and mental health.”

3 Try using storytelling

“Mental health is an important part of life, and children must be able to accept both happy and sad emotions,” psychotherapist Philip Karahassan explains. “To help them develop, and to discuss both their and your feelings in a way they will understand, tell them a story about why and how you might be feeling, or why someone might be acting in a different way.”

Philip also notes that alongside telling a story, an exercise that might be helpful is to draw out a weekly “feelings chart” that you can fill in together, which can help you “understand feelings in a fun, explorative and collaborative way”.

4 Put it in context and pick the right setting

Jo Loughran, director of Time to Change, notes that mental wellbeing isn’t about “feeling happy all the time”, and that mental health problems are common. Her advice?

“Keep your conversations small and informal,” she says. “You don’t have to set aside hours to chat, and informal spaces like in the car, over a meal, or while you’re watching TV can be great.

“You might find it easier to talk about hypothetical situations rather than their direct questions about their feelings, such as saying: ‘Exams can be really stressful, can’t they?’ Or chatting about the experiences of a TV character.”

For more information on talking to children about mental health, visit counselling-directory.org.uk, time-tochange.org.uk, or happiful.com/tag/kids

Compulsory mental health education From September 2020, all schools will teach children about both physical and mental health. Updates to the curriculum will also include advice on staying safe on and offline, along with the importance of healthy relationships.

October 2018 • happiful • 27

In Control of My Recovery

TOUCH LIVES THIS OCTOBER “We’re here for a reason. I believe a bit of the reason is to throw little torches out to lead people through the dark.”

– Whoopi Goldberg

Photography | Davids Kokainis

28 • happiful • October 2018

Reader warning: please note this story includes details that some readers may find upsetting.

Lili’s Story

Finding the good after evil A violent attack left Lili Sinclair-Williams traumatised and plagued by vivid flashbacks, night terrors, and suicidal thoughts. But with the help of cognitive hypnotherapy, she now sees how her ordeal has made her a better person

S

aturday 1 August 2015 was the day my life changed forever. It was a beautiful sunny day as I flew home from France, after a glorious two weeks staying with my parents.

As I arrived at my flat, I passed the communal garden where a party was in full swing. I remember feeling a real sense of contentment as I dropped off my suitcase, and changed, then headed out to a friend’s barbecue nearby.

My friend and I decided to make a night of it, and went to a local bar. The next few hours were spent on the dance floor (as any good night should). I walked home in the warm night air, thinking about seeing my friends at work on Monday, and looking forward to getting into my own bed after a long day.

Walking up the drive to my flat, I heard a man’s voice asking for a lighter. I figured he must live in my block, or be visiting a friend, as he was walking up the

path behind me. I was in such a great mood that I accepted his offer of a cigarette. Although all I wanted was to be in my bed, I didn’t want to appear rude, so we briefly chatted while we smoked.

After a few of minutes I said I must go as I was exhausted, and it was 2am. What happened next I could never have imagined. He grabbed me and subjected me to a 20-minute violent attack.

I tried to fight back, but I was overpowered by this large-built, 6ft-something man.

Continues >>>

October 2018 • happiful • 29

In Control of My Recovery

Lili’s Story I screamed and kicked and punched, but it didn’t stop.

Suddenly, everything went quiet.

For a split second I thought: “Am I dead?” I frantically looked around to see I was alone, then got up and dashed to my handbag. Without thinking my fingers were tapping 999, and I ran into my flat. I was screaming, crying and bursting into panic attacks every time I caught sight of my bloodied self in the mirror.

I had to wait 32 minutes for the police and ambulance to arrive – a long time when you think your attacker will come back at any moment.

When they did arrive, they were wonderfully efficient. My clothes were bagged up, my mouth swabbed, my fingernails chopped off. I was taken to hospital, where tests and swabs and photographs were taken. My parents rushed back to London

Lili and her family on her wedding day at Winchester Cathedral

30 • happiful • October 2018

and took me to their house.

Suddenly things were very silent, and that was the moment I realised nothing in my life would ever be the same.

The next few weeks were the worst of my life. I suffered flashbacks, night terrors ambushed me daily, I couldn’t leave the house, food lost its flavour, and I jumped at every single noise.

Each time my parents tried to take me for walks around the block, my throat seized up and I forgot how to breathe. I started counselling, but it didn’t help.

The thought of seeing friends or family made me hide under the covers. Every tiny decision felt like the toughest job in the world. I wanted to make it stop, I wanted to close my eyes and wake up in five years, when it was supposed that “time” would have healed me.

The police were fantastic and caught the perpetrator after seven days. My parents were a tremendous support, and I felt incredibly lucky to have such brilliant people around me.

Slowly but surely, I started taking baby steps to normality – learning to leave the house again, taking public transport, popping back to my office – I was really lucky to have such a supportive boss. A few months passed, and I moved back into my flat. This wasn’t easy, but was something I thought was imperative if I was to get over what had happened.

Despite these steps, I was still suffering. I’d been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.

The night terrors and flashbacks were worse than ever, and I started getting suicidal thoughts.

I was struggling with the simplest of tasks. I was drinking every night, and smoking more than ever. I couldn’t enjoy anything I’d previously loved.

My dad, a therapist, was aware of my decline and arranged for me to see a cognitive hypnotherapist. Over the next five months, in the lead-up to the trial, she helped me to manage my emotions.

I knew very little about cognitive hypnotherapy prior to this, but it soon became apparent that it’s very different to traditional hypnotherapy. The therapist works to “dehypnotise”

True LIFE

Lili and her mum following the attack; Lili’s parents took her to France to help her heal, away from London

People tell me I am strong for going through what I did and coming out the other side. I don’t see it as strength, it was a necessity the subconscious mind out of the problem pattern it has developed.

Any preconceptions I had of hypnotherapy being mysterious and magical quickly dissipated, and I soon learnt I was in complete control of my recovery.

I gradually started to feel pieces of the old me coming back. I was being rebuilt. By the time my court date arrived, I felt strong enough to sit in the witness box and give my evidence. I survived it, and I felt proud of myself for doing so. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. The perpetrator was sentenced to 12 years in prison.

Over the three years since, I have noticed a complete shift in my priorities. I started making changes to ensure I was doing what I wanted, rather than what I’d always believed I should do.

I met the love of my life – who is now my husband – have quit smoking, and put my health first.

I suddenly knew I had a purpose.

I was taking responsibility for my life and my happiness. The attack felt like the shake-up I needed to discover what really matters to me.

I decided to train as a cognitive hypnotherapist, and help other people discover the fulfilling lives they deserve.

Cognitive hypnotherapy is a short-term therapy with long-term results. I couldn’t believe the breakthroughs I made in such a short time, and experiencing it first-hand has made me a better therapist. I’m now helping people, and that is the greatest feeling in the world.

The philosopher Epictetus said: “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters” – and he was entirely right. People tell me I am strong for going through what I did and coming out the other side. I don’t see it as strength, it was a necessity.

Even in my darkest hours I tried to focus on why I wanted to

survive, what it was about life I loved so much – my family, friends, nature, fun, food, love, laughter. I promised myself to be more present, to savour every gift life brings. I am now grateful for what happened to me: it shook me awake and made me a better person. And if I can help others in the same way, that is a gift I will cherish.

Lili trained and qualified as a cognitive hypnotherapist and certified NLP practitioner at The Quest Institute, at Regent’s University in London.

Our Expert Says

Lili’s story vividly shows the debilitating effects of being traumatised. When our mind-body system is overwhelmed, we unfortunately relive the event over and over again as if it were happening now. It’s great that Lili was well supported, both by professionals and in her personal support network, and that she found a therapy that worked effectively for her. Seeking help when the past repeatedly intrudes into the present is important, with Lili’s story showing the benefits of taking action before symptoms become long-lasting.

Fe Robinson | MUCKP (reg) MBACP (reg) psychotherapist and clinical supervisor

October 2018 • happiful • 31

When flying at 110mph, there is little to no room for extraneous thoughts as the body produces adrenaline and sets off endorphins within

EXTREME SPORTS FOR ALL

Each of these activities can be fully adapted for people with physical disabilities. For more information, visit: Indoor skydiving: iflyworld.co.uk Rock climbing: bendrigg.org.uk Scuba diving: diveability.org Paragliding: flyability.org.uk

32 • happiful • October 2018

Adrenaline ACTIVITIES

Finding Mindful Moments in Extreme Environments Whether you’re doing it 10 feet under water or 10,000 feet in the air, how can ‘extreme sports’ keep us grounded?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

W

hat do you need to do when you want to find a mindful moment? Go for a slow stroll?

Meditate? None of these?

Quiet, gentle activities aren’t for everyone. But that doesn’t mean that pockets of peace can’t be found elsewhere. There are moments of mindfulness to be found even in seemingly extreme situations. Situations where our palms are sweaty, our hearts are racing and, when against all our primal-instincts, our mind tells our body to “let go”.

Studies have shown that a rush of adrenaline has the power to kick-start our psyche, and the discipline required to take part in “extreme sports” lead us to find peaceful, mindful moments.

Whether you’re tempted by the weightlessness of scuba diving, the exhilaration of indoor skydiving, the pride of rock climbing, or the perspective of paragliding, what can “extreme sports” teach us about mindfulness?

INDOOR SKYDIVING

Why do we dream about flying? Dream interpreters say it’s all about longing for a sense of freedom and a desire to escape the pressures of the real world.

Indoor skydiving is the closest thing we have to flying without wings, and can give us a taste of that freedom.

Indoor skydiving takes place within a “wind tunnel” which blows at more than 100 miles per hour. A step inside exposes you to a floating or flying sensation, rather than the free-falling feeling of regular skydiving.

“When throwing yourself into more intense sports, such as indoor skydiving, your full attention is focused completely on the present. This can really help people to enter a natural state of mindfulness,” says Shane Evans, general manager at iFLY, an indoor skydiving centre in Milton Keynes.

“When flying at 110mph, there is little to no room for extraneous thoughts as the body produces adrenaline and sets

MINDFULNESS

“Mindfulness” refers to a way of being where you are fully engaged with the present moment. It is achieved by accepting and listening to your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and what is going on around you. off endorphins within. It gives us an all-body workout, helps mental agility, and encourages us to engage with the present moment.”

Indoor skydiving offers a level of risk that most of us will be comfortable with, and we can all take part in regardless of age or physical ability.

Take a step into the wind tunnel and leave your troubles behind.

Continues >>>

October 2018 • happiful • 33

Mindful Moments for Everyone

George Hawksworth’s story:

“In October 2015, the doctor told me I had depression. It just so happened to be the same time that I started climbing. At the beginning, I was plagued with thoughts of suicide, and so standing on a half meter ledge with your best mate, 50 metres-plus up, is an odd feeling. It makes you realise very quickly that those thoughts are a poison trying to take over and, for me anyway, a fast-paced way of learning what there is worth living for. You realise your instinct is to stay alive, and when you have been contemplating suicide that’s a big relief. You’re standing on top of a mountain knowing you've fought the physical and mental barriers to get there.”

ROCK CLIMBING

How does it feel to stand at the foot of a rock-face, staring up and mapping your way to the top? And what’s it like to then stand at the top, to look over the edge and know that, as your mind and body worked in sync, you conquered a seemingly impenetrable face of rock? Pretty amazing, apparently. In fact, this feeling of self-efficiency has such an incredible effect on our psyche that scientists 34 • happiful • October 2018

have found it can even ease severe depression.

In a 2015 study published in BMC Psychiatry, researchers looked at the effect climbing had on people with depression.

Over 16 weeks, half the participants climbed regularly, and the other half served as the non-climbing control group. The study concluded that rock climbing can be used to effectively treat depression, with researchers

citing the way it activates intense emotions such as fear, pride and determination, along with the need to align your body and mind, as a few factors that make rock climbing so good for us.

We feel good when we achieve something measurable, and rock climbing offers us this triumph, as well as the opportunity to coordinate our minds and bodies, and work to our limits.

Adrenaline ACTIVITIES

SCUBA DIVING

Despite our best efforts, we often carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. But as we make our way through the shallows, or depths, of water we can experience real weightlessness.

In many ways, the techniques of scuba diving reflect those of mindfulness, such as the need to be in a state of “open monitoring” and learning deep, slow breathing techniques. It’s no wonder then that research has found that scuba diving can be a great reliever of stress.

A 2017 study published in Frontiers in Psychology compared the perceived levels of stress in a group of recreational divers to a multisport control group, before and after a week-long course. The diving group showed a significant improvement in mood and stress levels, which the researchers attributed to an increase in mindfulness abilities.

There’s also much wonder and pleasure to be found in swimming in open water and interacting with marine life. Diving offers us the opportunity to explore hidden depths and other worlds. And for those who find movement difficult on dry land, the weightlessness experienced when scuba diving can help to return some mobility.

Continues >>>

In many ways, the techniques of scuba diving replicate those of mindfulness, such as the need to be in a state of ‘open monitoring’ and learning deep, slow breathing techniques October 2018 • happiful • 35

Mindful Moments for Everyone

Prepare to Impress So you have an interview, congratulations! Now you need to prepare and give the best possible impression of yourself. This is your chance to show who you really are, and let them know why you’re worth hiring. We can’t predict what will happen, but preparation is key. Even if you’re nervous, answering with confidence can really make the difference.

t yourself.

Tell me abou

7 common interview questions. Tim e to scribble down your thoughts .

What is your biggest we akness?

What is your greatest strength?

Why should we hire you?

What are your salary expectations?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Do you have any questions for us?

GOOD LUCK!

For more interview advice and to find a coach near you, visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk 36 • happiful • October 2018

You can’t prepare for everything.

After all, you don’t know what will be asked of you. But having a little time to prepare answers to common questions, consider your skills and learn as much as you can about the company can not only leave you feeling confident, but ready for the challenge.

Adrenaline ACTIVITIES

Brett Smith’s story:

PARAGLIDING

You’ve watched, you’ve trained, and you’ve prepared, and now you’re gliding over fields, working with the wind to go where you please. With an uninterrupted 360-degree view, few experiences offer both the thrill and tranquility of paragliding.

This sport is all about balance. All the time you’re gliding, you control the deep postural muscles which not only build your core strength, but also encourage you to focus on the way that your body balances.

Though with appropriate training paragliding is perfectly safe, this high-risk sport propels you into the moment, and forces you to take in your surroundings. And the adrenaline left over from a flight can have longlasting effects. A 2004 study from the

University of Pennsylvania Medical Center, Philadelphia, found that adrenaline can have the same effect on the brain as antidepressants.

Paragliding may not be for the faint-hearted, and certainly not for the under-prepared, but for those who are committed to learning the ropes (or A, B, and C lines, as the experts say), there are pockets of peace to be found hundreds of feet above the ground.

MADE-TO-FIT

Leave behind any preconceptions of what mindfulness looks like, and any visions of the kinds of people, and the kinds of bodies, that can take part in “extreme sports”. The only requirement for taking part is a willingness to engage with the moment.

“Three years ago I was experiencing depression, and was diagnosed with PTSD and severe anxiety disorder. I struggled with the simplest things like going to the shops to get food, or even picking up the phone to call my doctor – or anyone come to that. I had a kiting background and had always fancied paragliding. At first it was the inspiration to break free, something to work towards, a goal. The first few flights – only feet from the ground – were scary, but once I got over the initial fear the rewards were astounding.

Every time my feet left the ground my problems stayed behind, I was free of the restraints that were holding me back. It made me feel more at one with the earth, feeling grounded even though I wasn't touching it.”

But remember, if you are tempted by any of the sports here, make sure that you note all of the relevant safety precautions and don’t go about it alone. Join a club or take classes with an instructor.

There’s a whole other world out there for you if you want it, and moments of mindfulness to be found in even the most extreme of environments.

October 2018 • happiful • 37

Bronagh Waugh: Complex Characters

humanity

Lessons in

On screen, actor Bronagh Waugh doesn’t shy away from complex characters. As Sally-Ann Spector, wife of a serial killer in The Fall, and Jessica Reid, whose twin sister had gone missing in Unforgotten, Bronagh celebrates the unique opportunity that these dramas give us to examine the shared experience of grief, pain and anger. Off-screen and onto the streets, she is a fierce campaigner for LGBT+ and human rights.

Here we talk about the catharsis found in gritty dramas, and how each and every one of us can help bang the drum for equality Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

You’ve worked on several gritty crime dramas, including ITV’s Unforgotten. What attracts you to these kinds of roles?

I watched Unforgotten as an audience member before I heard about the job, and when I read the script I just loved the character of Jessica – it really resonated with me. With these kinds of stories, you often forget that this family have to live with whatever has happened, with all these unanswered questions, and life kind of stands still for them. I find that incredibly moving.

38 • happiful • October 2018

Stand up for the small injustices.

It’s all part of the bigger picture Do you think storylines like these can help a viewer who has been through a similar experience?

That’s the beauty of drama; you can tell stories of people who often don’t feel represented. We want people to

Establishing EQUALITY

be connected and we want it to be cathartic. I think around particular topics like mental health and grief, it’s so important to make stories about it so we have some mirrors to hold up, to feel like we’ve got representation.

How do you offload from an emotional role at the end of the day?

It’s a difficult one. Physically it’s very demanding to cry every day. It really exhausts your body, and I would come home and want to go straight to sleep because I’d spent the whole day crying!

I’ve started to do a lot more meditation and mindfulness, and I practise pilates and yoga. I think having those self-care things in your routine can really help anyone.

In your personal life, you’re very politically active. When did you first get into activism?

I think it’s one of those things that has always been there, and ever since I was a teenager I felt very engaged in politics. Politics is about community and it’s about your community and taking an active role in making sure there is fairness and justice, and that people are being taken care of. That’s where the change comes from. Stand up for the small injustices. It’s all part of the bigger picture.

Your mum came out as gay when you were young – did that shape your activism?

I had two strong women, and my grandmother, raise me – I’m incredibly lucky! The things that I lend my voice to and get involved in are the things that directly affect my family because there’s not enough time to try and get involved with everything! That’s why I campaign for equal marriage.

Continues >>> October 2018 • happiful • 39

Bronagh Waugh: Complex Characters

How can people be effective LGBT+ allies?

Listening is so important, and that goes for any group in our community which is being marginalised. Money talks, and if businesses say that they are in support of something, that makes a huge difference in terms of visibility because when we see brands that we know and trust supporting Pride, it breaks down the stigma and the barriers.

Listening is so important, and that goes for any group in our community which is being marginalised Photography | David Reiss, Stylist | Krishan Parmar, Hair and makeup | Katie Moore

What can the rest of the UK do to support the equal marriage campaign in Northern Ireland?

Many people in the rest of the UK don’t even realise that it’s still illegal to marry if you are gay in Northern Ireland! But one of the physical things you can do is write a quick letter to your local MP – loveequalityni.org has templates – and ask them to put the pressure on the government.

and yes we’re going to say some vows, but there’s no legal piece of paper at the end of it and we’re not protected in that same way.

But what that does is make me want to campaign even stronger.

And when the legislation does come through there will be this amazing feeling and it will be great to go back to Northern Ireland and celebrate. I think that when you have principles it’s important to stick to them, so that’s what I’m doing.

You’re currently engaged, but have decided not to get married until everyone can. What fuelled that decision?

My husband-to-be and I had a conversation and, with all the campaigning we do for equal marriage, it felt very hypocritical for us to go ahead and get married.

Because what you’re doing is using your privilege to go: “Oh well, I can do it but you can’t – sorry guys.”

But I think we can often have lessons in humanity and humility when we learn empathy, when we learn what our friends and community are going through. We’re having a celebration of love soon, but there’s no piece of paper at the end of it.

Has that been hard?

Tears have been shed. I’ve been upset that, yes we get to have this big party in front of our friends and family,

40 • happiful • October 2018

For more from Bronagh, follow her on Twitter and Instagram @bronaghwaugh

5 Apps for sleep

Fancy A Power 'App? 5

Top

‘Quality over quantity’ – how many times have we heard that time-honoured phrase bandied about? But when it comes to sleep this really is crucial. Here are some pioneering apps to help you get the most from your 40 winks, and put poor sleep to bed Writing | Maurice Richmond

Icons | play.google.com

W

akey wakey, it’s time to talk about Britain’s sleeping issue. Research from the Sleep Council suggests a third of us regularly get a bad night’s sleep and, alarmingly, 35% of us have had sleeping problems for more than five years – which can make us irritable and stressed. Frankly, we need some help.

While it’s true that smartphones just before bedtime are typically a no-go, there are apps designed to help sort our sleep – from soothing sounds, to addressing the worries keeping us tossing and turning. To save you some time, here’s our pick of the bunch:

1. Sleep Cycle Your standard alarm clock, with a twist. It analyses your sleep, cleverly calling on the microphone to measure your breathing, all in three phases – awake, sleep, deep sleep. You tell the app a voluntary window to be woken (such as 6am to 6.30am), and the app gently wakes you when you’re less entrenched in sleep. For the statsminded people, it produces a nifty little report for you, measuring your time in bed, sleep quality, and heart rate.

2. Pzizz Probably the one time you’d want to download an app to “send you to sleep”. This one has backing from J K Rowling, and here’s the magic behind it – psychoacoustics. It plays you “dreamscapes”, a mix of music, voiceovers and sound effects which change each night. There's a bitesize nap option too, with the overall aim being to quieten your mind, send you to sleep, and then wake you up. The developers recommend headphones for optimal results, but your phone’s speaker will do.

3. Sleep Time State-of-the-art algorithms are at play here, as Sleep Time busily monitors your sleep and movements throughout the night. It aims to use “the natural environment” to give you some shuteye, with sounds including gentle waves and rainforest storms.

Having revealed that it takes us more than an hour to fully wake up from a deep sleep, the app aims to pick the perfect time to bring you out from your dreams, plus it provides graphs and charts for analytical data on your night’s rest.

4. Digipill Described as the app with “no gimmicks” and “designed to help real-life issues”, if there’s something churning over in your mind that’s keeping you awake, there’s a good chance this app can step in to help you.

Featuring a whole host of “digipills” – 30-minute audio tracks covering various topics – the app is designed to help those looking for support with resilience, confidence, or how to sleep better in general. With 16 “pills” available, the developers behind the app say it is “designed to produce a gentle state of hypnotic relaxation”.

5. Calm – Meditate, Sleep, Relax If meditation and mindfulness are up your street, then this could be the perfect app to support you on your sleep quest. Becoming increasingly popular as a tool to support work and education, meditation could be worth exploring to help you sleep at home.

Featuring hundreds of programmes ranging from three to 25 minutes long, and each touching on self-esteem, forgiveness and deep sleep, the app has a lot of bases covered. Calm also has sleep stories, for those who find a bit of reading really helps you to drift off.

All apps listed are available on Google Play and the App Store October 2018 • happiful • 41

MENTAL MHFA AD

3

) VAT

BECOME A

£225 EX VAT (RRP £ ICE: 300 R P EX

WILL YOU

HAP PIF UL

Chasing a Dream

MONTH HAPPIFUL SUBSCRIPTION INCLUDED FOR OUR READERS

HEALTH

FIRST AIDER?

Mental Health First Aider and Champion Training Courses are now available at a UK venue near you, provided by Happiful WHY TRAIN AS A MENTAL HEALTH FIRST AIDER?

This two-day course will offer you a chance to: • Gain a deeper understanding of mental health and the factors that can affect wellbeing, including your own.

• Enhance practical skills to spot the triggers and signs of mental health issues.

• Give you the confidence to step in, reassure and support a person in distress.

WHY TRAIN AS A MENTAL HEALTH CHAMPION?

This one-day course is an opportunity to: • Gain an awareness and understanding of common mental health issues.

• Enhance your knowledge and confidence to advocate for mental health awareness.

Head to events.happiful.com to book your place on a course 42 • happiful • October 2018

This event is brought to you by Happiful, in partnership with Simpila Healthy Solutions. Both courses are fully accredited and recognised by Mental Health First Aid England – see events.happiful.com for more info.

Drew’s Story

Accepting life’s challenges Being diagnosed with a mental health condition can be a scary time for many people, but for Drew Cockton, it helped him make sense of some of his personality traits – creative and energetic, with a risk-taking attitude. While managing his bipolar disorder hasn’t always been easy, he recognises that these traits have actually helped him to follow his dreams

W

hen I was 23 and fresh out of university, I embarked on a wildly optimistic venture by opening a 13-bedroom hotel on Manchester’s Canal Street in the gay quarter. I was working 14–15 hour days, and absolutely loving it, but I was too young and totally inexperienced for the challenge.

After six months of this my body started to pack in, and I sank into a depression – the

worst I had ever endured – and, at times, I felt suicidal. Within nine months, the business had closed, with the bailiffs showing up. My mother was extremely concerned, and took me to our GP. I was referred to a specialist, and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Before my diagnosis, I had only ever associated the condition with negative things. I would be a wealthy man if I had a pound for every time I’ve heard people say “he’s bipolar” as an

insult when referring to someone as hot-headed or unpredictable.

But in reality, I was neither of those things, and although I have the condition, to my knowledge nobody has used it against me.

I read up about bipolar disorder and learnt that far from being a condition where your mood changes by the hour, it is an illness where you can go from long periods of mania to equally long periods of depression. I recognised that much of my life had been characterised by Continues >>>

October 2018 • happiful • 43

Chasing a Dream

Drew’s Story periods where I felt on top of the world, usually followed by times when I felt unable to drag myself out of bed.

Prescribed antipsychotics, I piled on weight as a side-effect.

At the same time I lost all of my hair because of alopecia areata induced by stress. I turned to drink as a coping mechanism, and a way to boost my confidence after my appearance changed so drastically.

Eventually, it all became too much and I moved back home, to be nursed back to health by my mother.

In addition to weight gain, that first medication (Abilify) seemed to numb my senses; I felt permanently sad. I didn’t find anything entertaining, and just seemed to exist. I thought that my life was over and, while I was only 24 years old, my best years were behind me.

Drew at his graduation in 2009

44 • happiful • October 2018

I switched to another medication (Quetiapine) which was better suited to me, and I started to exercise and watch what I ate. This did become slightly obsessive and I would be hit with feelings of immense shame and guilt if I missed the gym or ate unhealthily.

A year later, in 2011, I felt a hundred times better and so began to look for work. I finally felt “normal” and that I was on track. I even met someone; we fell madly in love, and got engaged – although this was to end three years later, leaving me heartbroken. In hindsight, I think he struggled with some aspects of my condition – my reluctance to go out partying, my lethargy and tiredness.

But in 2015, I met my partner Mike, and now feel really happy.

I was reluctant to tell him about my condition when we started dating, but after about six weeks we had a conversation about my illness and, much to my surprise, he was absolutely fine with it.

In fact, Mike said he’d known for a while, due to me leaving my prescription “all over the house”!

He was very understanding and promised to support me.

While there are, of course, disadvantages to having bipolar, and I have experienced them, I’ve also benefited from having it, which makes me thankful for being born the way I am.

My life would have probably been 10 times easier without bipolar, but I also know that it probably wouldn’t have been nearly as interesting This time two years ago, I was a frustrated manager in financial services, dreaming of being able to channel my creative energy.

As a home-fragrance enthusiast, I started making scented candles in my kitchen and giving them to my friends and family. After receiving amazing feedback about the products, I began selling them at craft fairs and through social media.

It was around Christmas 2016 that demand for my candles skyrocketed, with friends of friends and even strangers calling at my home to buy my products as presents.

It was a lot of hard work and late nights, but somehow, I managed to get everything done alongside my demanding job – which included a lot of European travel. When the reality of office drudgery in January set in, I decided I was going to do what made me happy – being artistic and creative – and that I would leave my position in the company to pursue this.

True LIFE

Drew making his candles for the business he’s so passionate about

Behind the scenes, my family were worried that I was having a manic episode. It seemed incredulous to them that I would quit my secure job for a life of stress and anxiety, making and selling candles, in an already saturated market.

With hindsight, perhaps I was having an “episode”. I had unusually high levels of energy, was extremely productive, creative, and was unable to see the enormous, and perhaps foolish, risk I was taking.

Often people with bipolar can be creative and have huge amounts of energy, which they are able to constructively channel, and I saw this as a positive. Once I decided I was going to do my business, I dedicated myself to it completely, and have been able to take it from the kitchen table to a large business in 12 months.

Fast-forward 18 months and my business – Owen Drew Candles – is thriving, employing 10 people in Merseyside. My partner Mike joined me in the business six months later, and our candles are now stocked in more than 30 shops nationwide and shipped across the globe.

In May, we were crowned best start-up business at the Small Awards in London, while Vogue magazine described our candles as “Simply gorgeous!” We’ve even gained a fan in Paris Hilton.

The first candle I designed was “White Linen & English Lavender”, which is packed with essential lavender oil – something I’ve always loved because of its soothing properties and the way it promotes quality sleep, which is so important for mental health. For each of these candles sold we give a donation to the mental health charity Mind, which is a cause extremely close to my heart.

While I still have days where I feel incredibly low, having bipolar has given me some of the key attributes to make my business succeed – energy, creativity, and a risk-taking attitude.

I know it’s a cliché to be proud of yourself and not change the way you were born, but for me, it couldn’t be more true. My life would have probably been 10 times easier without bipolar, but I also know it wouldn’t have been nearly as interesting.

Telling my story has been a huge thing for me, as I am typically a very private person.

But I hope that it encourages people to accept themselves for who they are, particularly if they have just received a diagnosis of bipolar. I wouldn’t change who I am for the world, and know my life is infinitely richer for having had the condition.

Throughout October Happiful readers can use the code MIND10 to increase the donation to £2.50. To find out more visit owendrewcandles.com

Our Expert Says Drew’s story is a remarkable one, not only has he managed to cope with his condition, but he has used it to enable him to thrive and be happy.

Sometimes being diagnosed can be a double-edged sword – on the one hand it allows us to access support, and on the other it can feel like a label being imposed on us. What Drew came to understand was that he is unique. He isn’t a label, but a creative and talented human being. Once we accept ourselves for who we are, we can use our strengths to find happiness and fulfilment!

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr

October 2018 • happiful • 45

Self-care Spotlight

FIND BEAUTY IN EVERYDAY THINGS “Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.”

– Albert Camus

Photography | Clement M.

46 • happiful • October 2018

Feel EMPOWERED

Why

speak to us

Can saying positive statements really impact the way we think and behave? Here we look into the science behind it all, and the steps you can take if you want to dip your toe into the world of affirmations Writing | Kat Nicholls

I

“

am enough.” “I love myself exactly as I am.” As I speak these words to myself in the mirror, I truly believe them. Yes, I feel a tiny bit silly, but the important thing is I believe them. Positive affirmations have a bad rep, prompting sceptical eyerolls and disgruntled sighs. But is there actually something to them?

I spoke with Nicola Rae-Wickham, creative mentor and NLP practitioner, to find out more about affirmations and how we can use them to actually create change in our lives.

October 2018 • happiful • 47

Self-care Spotlight

What are affirmations?

to help us get the results we want. It is this information that impacts our According to Nicola, we make behaviour.” affirmations all the time, but they’re By repeating positive affirmations, usually negative ones like: “I can’t” we are essentially telling ourselves or “I’m not good enough”. I’m sure that what we’re saying is important to we can all relate to that voice of our us. “Affirmations present your mind inner critic ringing in our ears. with an alternative narrative which In his book, Putting the Power of seeps in on both an unconscious and Your Subconscious Mind to Work, conscious level.”

Dr Joseph Murphy explains that According to Nicola, this repetition our subconscious mind processes actually impacts us on a negative thoughts just physiological level. This is like goals. If we’re why you’ll hear people constantly thinking telling you affirmations to ourselves “I Studies have shown work best if you use never have self-affirmation can them repeatedly. enough help improve problem “There is a myth money,” solving under stress, boost that you can simply then our wellbeing and increase say an affirmation subconscious and it will somehow self-compassion and will perceive work its magic, but it as a goal pro-social behaviours affirmations don't work to never have unless you do,” Nicola enough money. emphasises. “You need to However, as Nicola repeat the affirmation in your explains: “Positive mind, out loud or in writing regularly, affirmations are statements we repeat and you have to try to evoke the that empower and support us.” feeling as you do it.”

This is an important point; as How do they work? powerful as affirmations can be, To understand more about how they aren’t magic. If you’re trying to affirmations work, we must first change a deep-seated negative belief look at the way the brain takes in like “I’m not worthy of love”, you may information. “Our minds take in a need support from a counsellor to great deal of information all the time,” uproot the belief. When you’ve done Nicola says. “Millions of pieces of this deeper work, you’re more likely information per second, and it simply to believe the positive affirmations cannot handle all that comes its way. you’re telling yourself.

So it has a filter system.”

This filter system is called the reticular activating system (RAS) and if we didn’t have it, well, let’s just say our minds would quickly become overwhelmed. Nicola says this system distorts, deletes and generalises the information we receive through a number of different ways, including memories, values, beliefs and language. Elaborating, she says: “Language is one of the ways our mind is influenced and we can use it

There is a myth that you can simply say an affirmation and it will somehow work its magic, but affirmations don't work unless you do

48 • happiful • October 2018

MAKE AFFIRMATIONS WORK FOR YOU:

1

Make a list of any negative or limiting beliefs you have and see if you can spot any themes. Are they centred around your appearance? Your worthiness? Your financial situation? Turn this into one statement (such as, “I’m unworthy”) and ask yourself how helpful this statement is.

2

Write down a counter statement. This could be as simple as “I am worthy,” or as elaborate as “I am worthy of love and all the amazing things life has to offer.”

See which type of statement resonates most with you.

3

Use this as your positive affirmation. Set yourself a goal of saying it out loud to yourself a couple of times a day. How about in the mirror before you brush your teeth in the morning and evening?

When you say it, change your posture, stand confidently, and really try to embody the statement.

4

Persevere! It’s likely that you’ll feel a little uncomfortable at first, but if you keep practising, it’ll start to come naturally.

If you find it very difficult, or feel upset when saying the positive affirmation, take a step back and ask yourself if you would benefit from support.

Counsellors and coaches can work with you to overcome stumbling blocks and move past limiting beliefs.

Feel EMPOWERED

The power of props

If you want to build your own positive affirmation habit, having some props to hand can help you get started. This may mean a set of cards you can pull from daily, or even beautifully designed prints.

Nicola explains how these can fit into daily life: “You can put them in and around your work and living spaces, which means you see them regularly and they become reminders of inspiration and encouragement.”

Here are some of our favourite cards: • For an all round motivational boost, try...

A Life More Inspired cards and prints (£19.99) • For those struggling with anxiety, try… The anxiety pack from I Can Cards (£10) • For dads who need that tiny fist-pump moment, try… The POPS pack from Yesmum (£12.75)

Deciding to let affirmations in

“I see positive affirmations like mini decisions – a decision to change the way you speak to yourself, a decision to focus on empowering self-talk, and a decision to reclaim your self-worth,” Nicola says.

This decision can have profound effects. I remember vividly making the same decision several years ago after recovering from anorexia and self-harm. This decision (along with therapy and years of self-exploration)

I see positive affirmations like a decision to change the way you speak to yourself, to focus on empowering selftalk and to reclaim your self-worth

is why I’m able to look at myself in the mirror today and say “I love myself exactly as I am” without flinching.

Nicola explains that affirmations allow you to turn your inner critic into an inner cheerleader, and I think that’s something we can all get on board with.

Find out more about Nicola’s coaching services and affirmation cards at alifemoreinspired.com. If you feel you would benefit from counselling, visit counselling-directory.org.uk October 2018 • happiful • 49

The

Self-Care Corner

Whether you’re running around after the kids, working 12-hour days, or putting all your energy into a passion project, it can be difficult to prioritise that all-important 'me time'. So even if it's just for five minutes, we want to make sure you have all the tools possible to get involved!

HAPPIFUL COMMUNITY

A

s a busy mum of two children on the autism spectrum, Samantha Doe, from Poole, Dorset, knows what it’s like to juggle a million responsibilities, but she’s found that prioritising is key: “I now write a to-do list (I write down everything, from household chores to any appointments) every night before bed so I can fall asleep without worrying about trying to remember everything,” she says. “I then prioritise what's on that list; sometimes things pop up so I can’t get everything done. But if something has to be put back a day, that’s OK, I don’t beat myself up about it. Even if some days all I do is make the beds and clean the kitchen, that’s OK.” Writing a list might not be the typical self-care you see on Instagram, but that’s the thing about self-care – there are no rules. It’s simply about ensuring you dedicate some time to anything that makes you feel better, whether that’s a minute, an hour, or a day.

For Sophie Bowerman, from Farnborough, Hampshire, it’s making time to go for a run, no matter how far or fast. She says: “It’s the alone time with my thoughts that helps me process my day. Often I don’t take my phone, so there are no distractions to putting things into perspective.”

50 • happiful • October 2018

TWITTER POLL

W

e polled our Twitter followers to find out the biggest roadblocks to incorporating self-care into our daily lives. The response?

For our followers, 44% forget – it’s just one of those things that slips to the bottom of our to-do lists. Another 26% are unsure how to practise self-care, and in equal third at 15% each, people found they either don’t have enough time, or it isn’t a priority.

Kelly Hannaghan noted: "When your passion and driving force is to look after the wellbeing of others, so often our own wellbeing gets misplaced. It can be a challenge to correct the balance between serving others and caring for yourself."

We asked expert life coach Rachel Coffey what we can do to counter these issues, particularly for carers. Her thoughts?

"Caring for others is a wonderful thing, but we can only do it if we have something to give – and that means taking time to care for ourselves too!

"Self-care is an essential part of being a balanced and happy person. Some 'you time' re-energises us, ready to take on life's next challenge.

Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare – Audre Lorde "If you're particularly busy, block out an hour or two in your diary each week to do something you genuinely enjoy. You'll probably notice a real difference quickly!

People often report feeling calmer, sleeping better, and having more energy – which can be spent helping the people you care about.

Taking time out for some valuable self-care might end up being the most generous thing you can do!"

SELF-CARE PLAYLIST

Solitude is where I place my chaos to rest and awaken my inner peace

– Nikki Rowe

Go to:

spoti.fi/2MFd bHG to listen on Spotify

W

hen we hear music we like, our levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) are reduced, and our brains release dopamine (the feel-good chemical), so we literally feel happier.

With that in mind, we’ve started a self-care playlist of all the songs we love when we need a bit of "me time". Here’s just a taste of our recommendations: Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac Rocket Man – Elton John Walking On Sunshine – Katrina & the Waves Mr Brightside – The Killers Hooked On a Feeling – Blue Swede Fight Song – Rachel Platten Glorious – Macklemore This Is Me – The Greatest Showman verybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) E – Baz Luhrmann Pencil Full of Lead – Paolo Nutini

Whether you’re doing chores, cooking, exercising or have found time for a relaxing bath, pop on our Spotify playlist to help you unwind! And if there’s a song we’re missing that really boosts your mood, let us know what it is and why you love it by emailing editorial@happiful.com for a chance to be featured.

+ TRY THIS 1

Watch your favourite film

2

Make your favourite dinner

3

Go for a walk – even just around the block

4

Lock the bathroom door to have a few minutes of personal space when the kids have a habit of following you everywhere!

Take a look in our free self-care booklet this month. We have recipes to make your own face masks and bath bombs, origami crafting, and mindful colouring exercises!

Happiful Hack

Sunday night How to handle

work anxiety Do you start to get that feeling in the pit of your stomach when the weekend draws to a close, a growing sense of dread at the thought of the office on Monday? Has your weekend been ruined by workplace worries? Don’t despair, you can beat the back-to-work blues Writing | Ben Edwards Illustrating | Rosan Magar

A

t the end of a relaxing weekend spent with family and friends, thoughts suddenly turn to the looming Monday morning. At around 4pm, the Sunday blues kick in, and a cloud of dread creeps over so many of us.

It is not uncommon to feel daunted, as each new week brings a unique set of challenges. A small amount of sadness is normal, in fact, a poll from monster.com found that 62% of workers regularly experience these types of feelings. After two days of freedom, you’re back behind the desk come the morning, so of course you’ll be a little bit displeased.

However, a problem develops when these feelings become more than niggling thoughts. An increasing number of people are experiencing severe anxiety each week, which can be both overwhelming and difficult to control. Their weekends are ruined

52 • happiful • October 2018

because Sunday is spent wrapped in negative feelings, already putting a dampener on the week ahead. This type of intense emotion on a regular basis can have a significant impact, resulting in a range of symptoms such as a lack of sleep or depression.

There are a multitude of reasons why you may feel anxious about returning to work on Monday – it could be a dislike of your position, conflict with a colleague, or general stress stemming from pressure to perform.

Jobs are becoming more and more demanding, with tighter deadlines and greater responsibility, so this problem is not going away.

However, as a self-confidence expert and relationship coach, I know there are always steps you can take to alleviate stress and get your relaxed Sundays back. Positive Monday mornings are possible. Here are five tips you can follow to make this happen:

5

POSITIVE STEPS

1 Consider a change

If you hate your job, and find it is causing you anxiety, then consider moving on. As clichéd as it may sound, doing something you love is very important for your happiness.

It has been found that 64% of people would rather take a poorly paid job they love, than one which pays more, but does not make them happy. Of course, there are financial implications to consider, and making sure you can still make ends meet in a job you’re more passionate about. But being in a job you like will help keep you motivated and looking forward to going into work on Mondays.

Life LESSONS

4 Organise your thoughts

SUN

The first day of the week can be a bit busy, and it can be difficult to get back into the swing of things. We’re often bombarded with new information, tasks, and developments before we can even start to think about what happened last week. The best way to overcome this is to plan ahead.

Understandably, you might not want to wait around come 5pm on Friday, but it would be beneficial to take five minutes to organise your workload at the end of the week, to prepare yourself for Monday morning. Have a recap on what you have achieved and make a “to-do” list for any outstanding tasks. This will help refresh your memory on Monday, so you don’t feel at a loss.

64% of people would rather take a poorly paid job they love, than one which pays more, but does not make them happy

nd eke e w

5 Get excited for Monday

2 Kick the bottle

It is widely believed that alcohol is a good sedative, which leads to many people self-medicating on a Sunday night to calm their nerves. However, this is only a short-term solution.

Alcohol will mask the anxiety at the time, but when the effects wear off, negative emotions intensify. Try to limit your alcohol intake on a Sunday night. You’ll thank yourself come Monday morning.

3 Get more sleep

You may have blown your busy weekend staying out late, or spent your nights tossing and turning, thinking about work on Monday. This lack of sleep will make it more difficult for your brain to fight negative feelings and keep anxiety at bay.

Make sure you keep your bedtimes as regular as possible, develop a healthy night-time routine, and get plenty of rest over the weekend.

Mondays are always seen as the day we must just get through to reach the fun stuff later in the week. Instead, you should give yourself something to look forward to on a Monday, whether it’s wearing the new outfit you’ve bought, organising a nice lunch out, or planning something fun after work.

This will change your mindset, and give you something positive to think about on Sunday night.

Ben Edwards is a self-confidence expert and relationship coach who works with clients to overcome a wide variety of personal difficulties. Find out more on his website, benedwards.com October 2018 • happiful • 53

Hummus and halloumi wraps Serves 2 Ingredients 75g halloumi, sliced 2 wholegrain wraps 6 falafels, halved 1 large sweet pepper, sliced 2 handfuls of mixed leafy greens such as rocket and watercress 2 tbsp hummus Method • Lay out the wraps and spread 1 tbsp hummus down the centre of each. Put aside.

• On a board, slice the halloumi and sweet pepper into strips.

Slice the falafels in hal, and add to the wraps – the hummus will help it stick. Add the pepper and halloumi strips, and place a handful of rocket on top. Fold the top and bottom of the wrap towards the centre, pull one side across and roll. Hold for a moment and slice For an extra in half. ki ck and touch • Serve immediately, or of sweetness, ad cover and keep in the d a drizzle of swee fridge until lunchtime. t chilli sauce 54 • happiful • October 2018

Healthy LUNCH

For nutritional support, visit nutritionistresource.org.uk

Getting wrapped up

Lunchtime doesn’t have to be boring; shake things up with our hummus and halloumi extravaganza

S

Writing | Ellen Hoggard

o, summer has come to an end. As the English sun dwindles, so does our desire for cool, refreshing salads and smoothies. Summer snacking is simple; fruit is ripe and sweet, and you can make up a holiday-inspired mezze board at the drop of a hat. But as the winter months roll in, our lunchbox options seem limited. No longer do we want to be reminded of the foods we enjoyed on our long weekend in Europe – we want jumpers and chocolate and soup. We want warmth.

Yet all is not lost. Lunchtime, for many, can be difficult, but with a bit of pizzazz and an inventive take on an old favourite, you can recover your midday meal inspiration again.

Here you’ll find one of my most loved lunchtime recipes: a hummus and halloumi wrap. It’s suitable all year round, and totally adaptable – you can swap out ingredients based on what you fancy that day (because there’s nothing worse than a boring lunch).

Plus, did you know that regular snacks in between our main meals are a great way to balance blood sugar, keep energy levels up and, if you’re like me, keep you happy.

Some of my lunchbox favourites include: a handful of berries (raspberries and blueberries for me), carrot or mixed vegetable sticks, and our homemade fruit and nut granola bars – you can find the recipe in our August issue!

Our nutritionist Sonal Shah says…

This hummus and halloumi wrap is a terrific, well-balanced recipe. The wholegrain wrap is easy to digest and is satiating for most – and gluten free wraps are available for those who can't tolerate wheat. Carbohydrates enable us to feel satisfied; this can help keep us away from those tempting biscuits and snacks later in the day.

Falafels are typically made from chickpeas, and are a healthy addition – especially if baked, not fried. Falafel is a good source of protein and fibre, which help keep blood sugar levels stable, and B vitamins to boost energy and mood. Halloumi cheese also contains protein, some fats and is a good source of calcium.

The sweet pepper is high in vitamins C and A, and antioxidant minerals.

They also complement the peppery taste of the watercress and rocket.

These leafy greens are important alkalising greens that energise the red blood cells, and contain vitamin C, magnesium, iron and calcium.

This wrap contains ingredients that not only keep you full and energise your body, but also promote healthy vision and bone health, and support the immune system and cardiovascular health.

Sonal is a nutritional therapist and health tutor. She has been the director of Synergy Nutrition since 2009. To find out more about Sonal, visit synergynutrition.co.uk October 2018 • happiful • 55

Food & Drink

Meridian Menus

When it comes to fuelling our bodies, we’re so often told the importance of a healthy and hearty breakfast to set us up for the day, or not eating certain foods too late in case they interfere with getting a good night’s sleep.

But Michelle Morley, qualified Reiki master and Touch for Health consultant (kinesiology), recognised that there could in fact be a spiritual connection influencing when and how we should be nourishing ourselves.

The concept of Meridian Menus was born, and could be the key to unlocking a balanced, and harmonious body

Spiritual EATING

THE FIVE ELEMENTS WOOD

Season: Spring Colour: Green Emotion: Anger and resentment.

This is a time for new growth, and new beginnings.

Taste: Sour Meridians: Liver (yin), gallbladder (yang)

FIRE

Season: Height of summer Colour: Red Emotion: Love, joy and hate. This is a great time to enjoy fun and laughter. The fire energy supports relationships of happiness and love.

Taste: Bitter, as the fruits aren’t quite ripe still Meridians: Heart (yin), small intestine (yang), pericardium (yin), triple warmer (yang)

EARTH

Season: Late summer Colour: Yellow Emotion: Empathy and sympathy.

This is a great time for support and understanding as the stomach deals with the digestion of both food, and our emotions.

Taste: Sweet as the fruits are ripe.

Meridians: Stomach (yang), spleen (yin)

METAL

Season: Autumn Colour: White Emotion: Grief, guilt and regret. This is a perfect time to detox, letting go of old emotions and move forward, as the large intestine lets go of waste.

Taste: Pungent as the fruits fall from the trees and decay Meridians: Lung (yin), large intestines (yang)

WATER

Season: Winter Colour: Blue Emotion: Fear and anxiety. This is when we deal with a lot of nervous energy and our fight or flight instinct.

Taste: Salty Meridians: Kidney (yin), bladder (yang)

A

s the first source of energy the body receives is through nutrition, it's important that the food choices we make are able to help support and nourish what some people believe to be our second energy system – our life force energy (qi, pronounced chee). This is the energy that flows through each and every one of us.

As a Touch for Health consultant, we look at the body holistically, meaning we see a triangle of health – the connection between a person’s mental, emotional and physical health. For the body to be in balance we need all sides of this triangle to be in harmony with each other.

Our body is continually trying to be in a state of equilibrium, and we believe that when this is disrupted it can lead to ailments. Our energy can become blocked by everyday life, emotionally, mentally, and physically, and so helping this energy to flow easily can assist with keeping us healthy.

By supporting our meridians and eating the foods that strengthen this energetic system at their optimal time, we can look to bring that harmony back between our physical and emotional self.

What are meridians?

Stemming from ancient Chinese medicine, the meridian system is believed to be a pathway of energy that flows throughout our bodies. They are the most physical of our four energy systems, which also consist of chakras, auras, and figure eights. The meridians run inside the body, and are a closed energy system where the energy flows and feeds every organ and part of the body.

This system is comprised of 14 meridians: • 1 0 organs meridians – liver, gallbladder, small intestines, heart, kidney, bladder, large intestines, lung, stomach and spleen.

• Two meridians that are functions – the pericardium (also known as circulation sex and which is connected to our hormones and reproduction system), and the triple warmer (connected to nourishing and protective energy, and which is responsible for helping to regulate the organs, often associated with the thyroid, and controls the body’s heat).

•T wo meridians which run up the front and back of our bodies and are considered two branches from the same source – the governing vessel meridian (running along our back and associated with the spine) and the conception vessel meridian (running along our front and associated with the brain).

What foods are associated with which meridian?

According to traditional Chinese medicine, everything is connected.

Therefore meridians fall into one of the five elements (wood, fire, earth, metal, water). Each element has its own season, emotion, colour, and taste, which helps to guide us with what we should eat to support that meridian.

There are two meridians in each element – with the exception of the fire element which has four – and for there to be balance within the elements there are both feminine (yin) and masculine (yang) qualities with each.

Continues >>>

October 2018 • happiful • 57

Food & Drink

SUPERMARKET SWEEP Shopping for those weekly essentials with Nutritionist Resource It’s easy to get stuck in a rut when it comes to your weekly meals.Yes, you may have a list of recipes you want to try, but after a busy day, it’s easy to order a takeaway or shove something in the microwave.

Walking into a supermarket, especially when hungry, can be a challenge in itself.

Having a standard shopping list that you refer to each

week can really help. The following ingredients can be used for a number of recipes, from chilli con carne and spaghetti bolognaise, to omelettes, salads, and breakfast porridge.

Of course this will vary depending on taste, diet and family size, so take this as a guide. We’ll get you started, then it’s over to you!

FRESH ITEMS

 Bananas  Apples  Bell peppers  Red and white on ions  Spinach  Carrots  Mushrooms  Sweet potato DAIRY OR ALTE RNATIVE

 Milk  Natural yoghurt  Cheese

MEAT OR ALTE RNATIVE

 Chicken  Mince  Tofu

For more tips and nutrition advice, speak to a qualified nutrition professional. Not only can they answer your food-related questions, but they can help you understand your body and learn what you need to stay healthy.

Find a nutrition professional near you at: nutritionist-resource.org.uk

58 • happiful • October 2018

CUPBOARD ES SENTIALS

 Chopped toma toes  Beans and pulse s  Pasta and grain s  Bread  Oats FROZEN ITEMS

 Fruit (raspberrie s, blueberries)  Vegetables (bro ccoli, peas)

7am

g tray. e edge 30–35

ma ch

int

se x

all

es

1pm

tin

e 3pm

ion

lat

Cir cu

Want to give it a try?

An easy way to try eating with your meridians would be by supporting your

ustard

Sm

er

m in a ng into

Heart meridian peak flow

dd

Place ughly.

11am

Bla

on

What are the benefits of this diet?

By understanding the best time of day to eat certain foods, we can get more in sync with our bodies. For example, it's believed that by eating foods in line with the stomach meridian we can alleviate stomach problems, abdominal pain, vomiting, and a sore throat.

Eating to support the gallbladder meridian may assist with preventing migraines, and dizziness, and eating with the liver meridian can help with urination problems, pain in the lower abdomen and hernias.

An example people may find helpful, as the weather turns colder, is that eating to support the lung meridian is believed to help with respiratory diseases, a sore throat, coughs and common colds.

n

lee

Sp

Kidney

• Cut the strawberries into quarters and add to a bowl, mixing thoroughly with the pepper and coconut sugar. Cover in cling film and store in fridge.

• Mix the egg yolks and sugar thoroughly in a bowl until creamy.

• Remove seeds from vanilla pod. Add these to the cream in a saucepan, and bring to boil. Pour this gently, while mixing, into the egg and sugar. Mix until combined.

• Pour evenly into two large ramekins and place into a deep baking tray.

Add boiling water to the tray until ⅔ of the way up the ramekins. Bake in the oven at 140C/120C fan for 30–35 minutes until set.

• Remove from the oven and cool in the fridge.

• Spoon the macerated strawberries on top of the set custard and garnish with freshly chopped mint.

Sto

g

Meridian: Heart, Triple Warmer Peak time to eat: 11am–1pm, 9pm–11pm Serves 2 3 egg yolks 200g strawberries Pinch of ground black pepper 30g coconut sugar 50g caster sugar 1 vanilla pod 300ml double cream

9am

Large intestine

Black Pepper Macerated Strawberry Set Custard

How are meridians and our 5am diet connected?

Each meridian has an optimal peak energy time, and 3am eating foods best Liv er suited to that organ during that time helps 1am to support the Gallbladder meridian. The peak times flow into each er arm w other, following ple 11pm Tri the 24-hour clock. Meridians on the clock work in pairs; the meridian 9pm opposite is at its lowest during its pair’s peak – for example the gallbladder's lowest time is the heart's peak.

If you focus on your body and how you feel throughout the day, you may recognise your own peak and lowest times that should align roughly with this clock, as the energy cycle is similar in most of us. n Lu

d d

Spiritual EATING

5pm

7pm

stomach meridian. Its peak flow time is 7am to 9am, so kick your day off with a good breakfast then.

Energy boosting foods for the stomach meridian include green pepper, spinach, sweetcorn, basil, yoghurt, tuna, and wholegrain oats.

These are packed with vitamins B1, B2, B12 and B6, along with vitamin C, proteins, potassium, zinc, copper, calcium and dietary fibre, which not only help our digestive system but also strengthen our meridian system.

Alternatively, our recipe is great for the heart meridian because strawberries are full of vitamins, fibre, and are high in antioxidants. They’re free from sodium, fat, and cholesterol, and so are great for the heart. The egg yolks are high in calcium and contain the bulk of the eggs’ protein, which is great energy for the fire element.

Michelle Morley is a qualified Reiki master, Touch for Health consultant (kinesiology), reflexologist, spiritual healer and medium.

Find out more in Michelle’s book ‘Meridian Menus’ (£26). Visit essentialtimeout.com/books

69

October 2018 • happiful • 59

BE PART OF SOMETHING WONDERFUL “Kindness is the golden chain by which society is bound together.”

– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Photography | Ryan Dam

60 • happiful • October 2018

OCTOBER Images | Deepica Mutyala: Instagram @deepica, Monument Valley 2, play.google.com, Mowgli: Warner Bros. Picture, The London Yoga Festival: londonyogafestival.co.uk

The Happiful Seal of Approval THE CONVERSATION

Go global this month with our October recommendations. From the invigorating flavours of the Islamic world, to an authentic German Oktoberfest in London, and the secret to being 10% happier, we’ve got everything you need to brighten up those shorter October days

OUT AND ABOUT

World Mental Health Day: A day for raising awareness of mental health issues around the world, reflecting on the things we have achieved, and the distance we all still have to go to stamp out stigma.

Follow @WMHDay on Twitter and use the hashtag #WorldMentalHealthDay to join the conversation. (10 October)

London Oktoberfest 2018: Experience a slice of Germany in the centre of London as Millwall Park and Finsbury Park are transformed for the event. Enjoy food, beer, music and lederhosen, with Sundays reserved for families to enjoy an Oktoberfest lunch. (4–14 October)

PUT ON A SHOW

PAGE-TURNERS

Leicester Diwali Lights Switch On: Join in the Diwali festivities at the grand light switch-on along Belgrave Road, Leicester. An annual spectacle of light and celebration, the evening will also feature music and dance performances that the whole family can get involved in. (28 October, find out more at visitleicester.info)

Feast: Food of the Islamic World by Anissa Helou: Chef, food writer and journalist Anissa Helou delves into the flavours of the Middle East, the Mediterranean, and North Africa. Calling upon a lifetime of knowledge of traditional recipes, Feast brings history to life with rich flavours and beautiful travel photography. (Bloomsbury, RRP: £45.00. On sale in the UK 4 October)

TECH TIP-OFFS Monument Valley 2: Made it to the end of another busy day and need to switch off?

Monument Valley is a puzzle game with beautiful graphics and soothing audio. Guide a mother and her child as they travel through magical architecture, complete the levels and continue the family’s legacy.

(Available for iOS and Android, £4.99. Visit monumentvalleygame.com for more)

LEND US YOUR EARS 10% Happier: A podcast hosted by New York Times best-selling author Dan Harris, which addresses a clear, simple approach to meditation, as well as featuring interviews with some of the world’s most respected meditation teachers. (Listen at 10percenthappier.com)

PLUGGED-IN

Deepica Mutyala: Deepica is on a mission to change beauty standards.

Across her Instagram page and YouTube channel, she posts a mix of stunning shots and cosy candids as well as sharing self-embracing beauty tips. Founder of @livetinted, Deepica campaigns for greater diversity in the beauty industry.

(Instagram: @deepica, YouTube: youtube.com/ deepica)

TOP

10

S QUA R E EYES Mowgli: A thriller for the family, and featuring a host of stars including Cate Blanchett, Benedict Cumberbatch, Andy Serkis and Christian Bale, Mowgli is the latest adaptation of The Jungle Book that follows Mowgli as he comes face-to-face with his human origins.

(In cinemas 19 October)

GET GOING The London Yoga Festival: Pull up your leggings and grab your yoga mat ready for a weekend of masterclasses, workshops, talks and films with renowned yoga teachers and scholars. Newbie or fully-fledged yogi, this weekend is the perfect opportunity to try something new and reonnect your mind and body. (13–14 October, find out more at londonyogafestival.co.uk)

TREAT YOURSELF Owen Drew Candles: Natural,

luxury candles made from vegan soy wax and essential oils.

This October Each candle is handmade use the code by the small team at Owen MIND10 to raise Drew, and candles come the Mind charity with a statement wooden donation to £2.50 wick that crackles when when purchasing burning. £1.50 from the a White Linen & sale of anxiety-soothing English Lavender White Linen & English candle.

Lavender candles goes to mental health charity Mind. (RRP: £25.00, owendrewcandles.com) October 2018 • happiful • 61

Happy Business

Reclaiming the right to

express yourself ‘If you can’t stand up, stand out’ – this is the tagline of Izzy Wheels, a brand founded by Irish sisters Ailbhe and Izzy Keane who are making waves in disability fashion as they reclaim individuality and joy with their unique range of colourful wheel covers Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

COLOUR COMMENCEMENT

Izzy Keane was born with spina bifida, a spinal defect that means she is paralysed from the waist down. She used a wheelchair, but was always frustrated that there was nothing available to personalise it.

“Her chair was the first thing that people noticed about her, but it wasn’t a 62 • happiful • October 2018

reflection of her bright and bubbly personality,” says Ailbhe.

The sisters have always had an eye for colour and design, and growing up they loved dressing Izzy’s chair for special occasions.

So when Ailbhe came to her final project at the National College of Art and Design, the topic seemed obvious.

“I designed a range of stylish wheel covers for wheelchairs so that users could express their individuality,” says Ailbhe. “And I created an Instagram account showing off the designs with fun little videos of Izzy dancing in her new wheels.”

What began as a college project soon became something much bigger when the Izzy Wheels account started to get thousands of followers and messages from people around the world who wanted to buy the wheel covers.

The pair opened their online store, and two years and 10 national awards later, the wheel covers are now being sold in 35 different countries, and

Cover design | Kitty McCall, Photography | Ailbhe Keane

U

ntil now, wheelchair users have had little to no choice over the appearance of their equipment. Izzy Wheels is about to change that. With its unique, waterproof wheel covers that can be made to attach on to any size wheel, the sisters behind the brand are bringing colour and individualism to disability fashion.

But what they have created is bigger than just wheelchair accessories.

It’s a putting a new perspective on disability. It’s about giving people the freedom to express themselves where previously they were restricted. And it’s about breaking down stigma, and reframing wheelchairs as a symbol of ability, rather than disability. The ability to express ourselves as we wish shouldn’t be a privilege – it’s a right, and Ailbhe and Izzy are the colourwielding visionaries leading the way.

feature designs from more than 40 different artists, including Okudart, Maser, Orla Kiely, Steve Simpson and Camille Walala, to name a few.

“The collaborations with these famous designers shine a positive light on disability and inclusion,” says Ailbhe. “It’s refreshing to have wheelchair accessories designed by artists instead of hospitals.”

New WHEELS

I designed a range of stylish wheel covers for wheelchairs so that users could express their individuality

Cover design | Okudart Bear, Photography | Celeste Sloma

EXPRESS YOURSELF

Today, there are approximately 1.2 million wheelchair users in the UK, and yet the design and look of wheelchairs hasn’t changed much since they were invented. For the Keane sisters, disability fashion is a massively underserved area of design and something they wanted to address. “My sister has a very positive relationship with her wheelchair and she wanted to express that,” says Ailbhe. “She sees it as a symbol of her ability, not her disability.”

And she should. As Ailbhe points out, wheelchairs are an incredible thing. They grant freedom and autonomy where, without them, lives would be much more restricted. So why shouldn’t they be celebrated?

“Self-expression is a human right,” says Ailbhe. “Until now wheelchair users have had no choice in the appearance of their equipment.”

It’s a sentiment that’s shared with Izzy Wheel’s online following of 42,000 people. For Izzy and Ailbhe, what’s equally as rewarding as building a blossoming business, is the discovery of a huge online community of people who share this positive relationship with their mobility equipment, and who are equally passionate about disability fashion.

“The proudest and most meaningful part of what we do is when people send us photos of themselves wearing their Izzy Wheels. We call these our Continues >>> October 2018 • happiful • 63

Happy Business

‘spokespeople’, and each week we have a ‘spokesperson’ of the week and we share their photo and story with our community. They speak about how the wheel covers have impacted on their lives and changed how people engage with them in such a positive way.”

Self-expression is a human right SMART BUSINESS

64 • happiful • October 2018

WHEELS IN THE WILD

“I still get butterflies when I spot people out in the wild wearing their Izzy Wheels,” Ailbhe says. “It’s very emotional for me and it’s why I love my job so much.”

We will achieve equality when the same opportunities and freedoms are afforded to everyone. The freedom to express yourself is one important part of this. Izzy Wheels has brought colour and style to a device so often stigmatised. We’re all colourful, bright, individual people, and Ailbhe and Izzy Keane are the visionaries leading the movement to bring fashion, selfexpression, and joy, to all.

Visit izzywheels.com to learn about the incredible brand, and follow them on Instagram @izzywheels for inspirational updates.

Cover design | Marijke Buurlage, Photography | Ailbhe Keane

“We quickly realised that men are also interested in our designs,” says Ailbhe. “We invite both male and female designers to work on each of our collections with us, and while, at the moment, a lot of our designs are quite feminine, as we grow we will have more male-focused collections.”

And it’s not just buyers who are increasing the demand on the sisters.

Hundreds of artists are lining up to ask whether they can contribute to Izzy Wheels, all because they believe in the message of the brand: that artistry, fashion and self-expression should be accessible to all.

It’s a vision that everyone can get behind, but it’s worth remembering that none of this would have happened without the smart business minds of the Keane sisters, who were both named on Forbes’ 30 Under 30 list this year.

“I founded Izzy Wheels when I was just 22, and I am proud to be a young woman and director of my own company,” says Ailbhe. “Success can’t happen without hard work, but if you’re passionate, driven and excited by what you do, nothing should get in the way of that. No matter what age you are we need to support and inspire each other.”

Age is on Izzy and Ailbhe’s side, and it was their intuitive use of social media that, in 2017, landed them on the official Instagram account story – reaching more than 226 million people

– and becoming the first Irish people to take the honour.

“We grew our entire business on social media,” says Ailbhe. “There are a lot of powerful movements across social media at the moment which are inspiring social change. We use our own platform to smash stigmas, empower and educate people.”

Charlotte’s Story

Letting go of perfect

I

t was 5am when I woke.

The sun had just started to rise. I had a few seconds of peace until, suddenly, I remembered. Thoughts started rushing through my mind, making my heart race and my breath quicken.

I got up to go to the bathroom, feeling unsteady on my feet as I tried to be quiet.

I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror and I barely recognised what was staring back. For the past few months,

Depression and anxiety drove Charlotte Duff to nearly end her own life. But after she found the courage to seek help, she now faces the future with hope – and the knowledge that she is not alone I had been locked in a cycle of sadness and fear. I worried constantly. I exhausted myself from worrying. No sooner would I talk myself out of whatever worry was bothering me, than another would come in its place. And another. And another. I couldn’t read, sleep, or enjoy anything. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to wake from this nightmare.

I made sure the bathroom door was locked and sobbed as quietly as I could.

This was never going to stop.

My old self had died. I was sure of it. Strewn tissues lay around me and my head started to throb from the tears. I grabbed a full packet of painkillers from the bathroom cabinet, and my hands shook as I opened them.

But something deep inside me pulled me back. Almost mechanically, I put the tissues in the bin and the pills back into the medicine cabinet. This was not going to be my story. I had to do something.

Continues >>>

October 2018 • happiful • 65

Pulling Myself Back

Charlotte’s Story I was as honest and as frank as I could be when I told my family that I didn’t think I was well and I could no longer cope. They were lovely and understanding, like they always are.

I was preparing to leave home for university – I was desperate to go, and had been looking forward to starting afresh somewhere new and exciting. I didn’t want whatever this horrid thing was to follow me.

September came and, somehow, I managed to make myself seem like a normal 19-year-old.

Freshers’ Week was spent making friends, exploring a new city, drinking too much, and living off takeaways. In photos I have from that time, I look fine. Happy, even. For all of the pain going on in my own head, I somehow got through it. Until, I didn’t.

The worrying and overthinking soon reared its ugly head, alongside a bout of homesickness. Even though I was terrified of talking to a doctor about what was going on inside my head, that’s exactly what I planned to do.

A few days later, I sat down with my new doctor and she

asked me why I had come to see her. I had rehearsed something while I was walking to the surgery. I’d say that I was feeling panicky, sad, and exhausted, and I didn’t know why. Instead, I burst into tears and told her I didn’t know what to do anymore. I couldn’t cope. Everything I had dealt with for the past few months came pouring out. She looked shocked, and I wondered what on earth she thought of me.

But then, she did something I didn’t expect. She took my hands in hers and softly began talking to me.

“I honestly would never have thought that this is why you had come in. Nothing about you suggests you’d be so unwell.

Even the way you knocked on the door just now was like you haven’t got a care in the world.”

Instead of trying to keep up the pretence that everything is fine, I’m learning to be honest with myself 66 • happiful • October 2018

She passed me a tissue, and told me my pulse was racing. She listened to me, talked to me, and understood me. She told me that I wasn’t well, and I needed help.

But she also told me this: “You will get better. This is nothing to be ashamed of. You aren’t alone.”

I was told I had anxiety and depression, and I could try cognitive behavioural therapy and medication – or therapy first, and then medication. Whatever felt right for me. We agreed that I would try both. I was a little apprehensive about taking antidepressants; I had heard the stories of why they should be avoided.

“Anxiety and depression is like any other illness. If you had an infection or any other physical illness, you’d take medication, wouldn’t you? That’s all this is,” the doctor told me.

Leaving the surgery that morning armed with a prescription, leaflets, and telephone numbers, I felt as if I could take on the world. This ugly, horrid thing was going to end here.

True LIFE

Seven years on, I still take antidepressants. I still have panic attacks. I still have days where I am so sad that I can barely put one foot in front of the other.

But something I also have now is hope. Hope and knowledge. I have become a better friend to myself and am starting to finally understand how all of this works.

Antidepressants are not magic “happy pills”. They do not erase sadness and bring euphoria in its place. They simply keep things ticking over, helping to make life more bearable. The rest is up to us. Eating well, sleeping well, talking with a professional, trying mindfulness, self-care, exercise. Sometimes, I find that just talking to my mum, or my best friend, helps. We never need to suffer in silence: there’s always someone who will listen.

I’ve kept a scrap of paper from seven years ago when the doctor explained anxiety and depression to me, and drew a jagged line.

Up and down. Up and down.

“This is how it will be.

Sometimes you’ll be down and sad and suffering. But, always know this: there’ll be times where you’ll be up and happy and hopeful.”

I cling to that because I know it’s the truth. For every tear shed, there will be a smile. For every moment of utter despair, I know there will be moments filled with joy, and love, and laughter.

There’ll be times where all we want to do is curl up and shut the world out, but there’ll also be times we’ll never want to forget – swimming in the ocean, laughing until crying. Life can be bleak and hard, but it can also be magic. Always try to remember that it’s worth living.

Mental illness is cruel because it is hidden, secret. I always think of the author Matt Haig’s quote in his wonderful book, Reasons to Stay Alive: “To other people, it sometimes seems like nothing at all. You are walking around with your head on fire, and no one can see the flames.”

People who suffer with mental illnesses are often dismissed as “weak”, but actually, we’re strong and capable of great things. We have come through the dark, frightening woods and out into the light. We have been heartbroken and lost. Sad and lonely. Terrified and exhausted.

And we have survived.

I have finally accepted that I will always struggle with anxiety and depression, and it’s a part of me. Instead of trying to keep up the pretence that everything is fine, I’m learning to be honest with myself. It’s OK to let these feelings wash over me: I know they will pass. I’m learning to carve out my own identity and live the kind of life that I crave.

I have just finished my master’s degree and I’m excited for whatever comes my way next.

I have let go of who I think I should be, and instead I’m learning to just be.

I feel freer than I ever have.

Our Expert Says When Charlotte became ill, she struggled with thoughts and worries that made her mind race. But, importantly, she recognised that she needed help. Seeking support with medication and therapy helped her to manage it, and allowed her to hope and live again. Accepting her anxiety allowed Charlotte to move forwards, and we can all learn from the simple steps she takes: contact with friends and family, talking about our feelings, and knowing that bad times will pass.

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) UKRCP Reg Ind Counsellor

October 2018 • happiful • 67

Culture & Lifestyle

Overcoming fear, maintaining hope, discovering our

Debut novel!

essential happiness

A heartbreaking testimony of strength and innocence, Paola Peretti’s debut novel shows the emotional and physical impacts degenerative conditions can have on children Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

W

hen is a children’s book more than just a book for children? We all have stories from our childhood that have stuck with us throughout the years; that magical mix of the right topic and the right characters, speaking to us at that perfect moment.

A truly outstanding book can speak to you not only in that open place in your childhood, but can worm its way into your heart even as an adult. Paola Peretti’s debut book, The Distance Between Me and the Cherry Tree does all of this and more.

THE STORY

We follow the journey of nine-yearold Mafalda, as she discovers she

68 • happiful • October 2018

has, at best, six months before her eyesight will fail completely. An otherwise typical young girl, Mafalda loves her cat, playing football, and being read to by her father. As the realisation that her eyesight will only continue to worsen begins to sink in, Mafalda fears she will lose all of the things she loves.

Presented in five parts, each section marks the deterioration of Mafalda’s sight. As the story progresses, she uses the distance from which she can still see the cherry tree as a measure of how quickly her eyesight is starting to fade.

As Mafalda’s eyesight worsens, we see both her own emotional journey – her fears, and the things she wants to achieve that she is worried she won’t be able to once she’s blind – as well as

the ways in which those around her are affected.

As childhood friendships begin to wane, new connections are made. We discover the little (and big) mistakes adults around her make while they try to do what is best for her, ways the system doesn’t quite do enough, along with how kindness, strength, and the no-nonsense attitude of just one person can have a huge impact when it feels like everything is changing and you don’t know where to turn.

THE INSIGHT

The Distance Between Me and the Cherry Tree stands out not just because of its unique first-person perspective of a young person as they face a lifechanging condition, but also because it comes from a place of experience.

Book REVIEW

GREAT FOR…

Children to learn about the challenges others may face.

Parents to understand a child’s perspective on sensitive issues.

Teachers to gain an insight into how disabilities can affect kids in and outside the classroom.

IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU’LL LOVE: Wonder | R. J. Palacio Born with a facial abnormality, Auggie wants to be ordinary. Can he convince his classmates that underneath it all, he’s just like them?

Blind | Rachel DeWoskin When an accident leaves Emma blind, she is determined not to be seen as the poor blind kid. Emma must learn to navigate adolescence despite her new disability.

Still Alice | Lisa Genova Renowned cognitive psychology professor Alice dismisses her growing forgetfulness and disorientation, until a tragic diagnosis changes everything.

15 years ago, author Paola was diagnosed with a rare genetic illness called Stargardt disease. Affecting one in 10,000, children often first experience symptoms between the ages of six and 12. A progressive illness with no cure, Stargardt disease eventually causes blindness.

Paola takes inspiration not only from her own experiences, but presents the confusing, scary reality children with a degenerative eye condition can face.

A painfully authentic, innocent main character, Mafalda asks simple questions, such as “How will I be able to tell what colour things are when I’m blind?” and “Who will read me stories when I’m left in the dark and mum and dad are at work?” that children can relate to, and adults will struggle not to tear up over while reading.

Follow Mafalda’s last months of sight, taking the journey with her into the darkness that she tries to deny scares her Mafalda’s unlikely friendship with Estella, the school caretaker, embodies the powerful messages behind the book. “To live in fear is not to live at all,” she advises Mafalda, while encouraging her to focus on what she can do, not what she wishes she could do.

Unlike many adults, Estella doesn’t try and paint the world in an unrealistic light. The world isn’t fair, and Estella doesn’t try and soften this blow; she keeps things honest and frank, her sincerity making up for her bluntness, as she does her best to help Mafalda to focus on

discovering what is really essential to her own happiness.

Young readers will identify with Mafalda’s inquisitive personality and understandable fears, while parents will fill in the blanks for younger readers where family problems are alluded to. We also see a side to Mafalda’s disability that many readers may not have considered – her embarrassment over learning to read Braille, as she wants nothing more than to fit in with her classmates.

THE TAKEAWAY

No matter what age, readers are bound to tear up while reading this beautifully written novel. As Mafalda shares her deepest fears and hopes, we see some of these come true. With the support of new friends and wellmeaning family, we follow Mafalda’s last months of sight, taking the journey with her into the darkness that she tries to deny scares her.

The Distance Between Me and the Cherry Tree is an outstanding story about bravery and independence.

It’s about learning how to tell the difference between what we wish could be, and what is essential for our happiness, what defines us and can keep us going even through the darkness. While we may lose things we love on our journey, it’s our strength to carry on that defines us, not our losses. Whether you are looking for a book to read together, something to recommend to a child, or a short novel that offers a unique perspective, Mafalda’s story will stay with you long after you have finished reading it.

The Distance Between Me and the Cherry Tree, Paola Peretti, Hot Key Books. RRP £6.99

October 2018 • happiful • 69

POSITIVELY ELLA In 2012, Ella Mills began Deliciously Ella, a blog about the lifestyle and dietary changes she had undertaken after being diagnosed with a debilitating condition.

Six years later, with four cookbooks, a successful deli, app and product line under her belt, Ella talks openly to Happiful about life lessons, love and gratitude Writing | Lucy Donoughue 70 • happiful • October 2018

Positively ELLA

Photography | Sophia Spring

I

meet Ella Mills in her deli on London’s Weighhouse Street. It’s just a stone’s throw from bustling Oxford Street, yet the deli is blissfully calm and welcoming.

Ella is sat with a coffee and her laptop, smiling broadly, and immediately and enthusiastically recommending her favourite plant-based dishes on the menu – something she’s been sharing her passion for publicly for more than six years.

Ella’s early career was an accidental and happy surprise, after what was an incredibly difficult set of circumstances to deal with at a young age.

When she was just 19, after great periods of illness, Ella was diagnosed with postural tachycardia syndrome, a condition that meant she was bedridden 95% of the time, had chronic pain, severe stomach issues and unbearable headaches, amongst other issues.

The year after her diagnosis, Ella began managing her symptoms through a plant-based diet after researching its benefits online, and found this had an incredibly positive impact on her health.

In 2012, she started to share some of the recipes and information she had learned on her blog Deliciously Ella, which became instantly and incredibly popular.

There was an explosion of interest in Ella, and over the next six years Deliciously Ella grew exponentially.

Following her best-selling cookbook in early 2015, there came supper clubs, delis, widely-stocked product ranges, festivals, events, an app and more. Ella also met and married Matt Mills, who is now the CEO of Deliciously Ella (she is the creative director), and within two months they brought Austin into their lives – an adorable chocolate brown and white Spaniel who she refers to jokingly as the “king” of the business.

Anyone who follows Deliciously Ella may already know this from social media. What you may not know are the

epic struggles and lessons behind the scenes of the business, and the moments that have tested them.

I’ve struggled with anxiety a couple of times in my life, and the summer after the book launched was one of those. I really felt vulnerable and nervous about what I should do next These experiences are included in Ella’s new book Deliciously Ella, The Plant-Based Cookbook which is in an entirely different format to her previous work. While there are still a huge amount of tasty recipes in it (giant peanut butter cups and mango and coconut flapjacks anyone?), this book includes diary chapters exploring episodes from the very beginning of the business, throughout the growth of Deliciously Ella, and the transformational – as well as the truly terrifying moments – behind the scenes for Matt and Ella.

“This book is probably the biggest project we’ve ever done,” she says. “I wanted it to be a reflection of who we are now, which meant that we were involved with every aspect of it. And when it came to writing the diary pages, I really enjoyed doing that. It was really nice to tell our story and all of the things that have actually happened – lifting the lid really.”

I mention some of the instances in the diary pages; desperately seeking a phone signal at Wilderness Festival in order to sort out supplier issues, while simultaneously running a pop-up cafe and event for hundreds of people, not

to mention dealing with cash-flow issues and exhaustion.

But if you were to simply look at their social media, the business appeared to be hugely successful and the two of them were having the time of their lives. The reality is, it was hard work, hard lessons and hard knocks – and some amazing times and memories.

Ella is honest about the limitations of her knowledge when Deliciously Ella really exploded in 2015. “I was overwhelmed when everything first took off. When the blog started it was a small community, it was contained and personal and when I was doing a class, it was 10 people. I was learning step by step and it was organic, and then the book came out and people were talking about me rather than to me.

“All of these opportunities suddenly came about and I just didn’t know what to do. I’ve struggled with anxiety a couple of times in my life and the summer after the book launched was one of those. I really felt vulnerable and nervous about what I should do next, and at the same time knowing that people were having opinions about me without knowing me. I found it hard.”

Continues >>>

October 2018 • happiful • 71

Behind the Scenes with Ella Mills

I worry that sometimes people see so much of what you do – through a picture – that they can assume that’s all there is to it and to you. The book allowed me to share our side of the story Deciding to bring her now husband into the business was a pivotal moment for Ella, and allowed her to gain some control. “When Matt and I started to work together it meant that we were working to our vision, and I could respond rather than just react.”

Ella was first introduced to Matt in 2015 by her dad (which Ella laughingly refers to as “creepy”).

However, they “really connected”, and Ella consistently mentions the support, hard work and direction Matt has brought to the business, and to her personally. “I’ve learnt more in the last few years than I’ve learnt in the rest of my entire life,” she continues. “And I am so lucky to have a partner in it. I wouldn’t be here without Matt – in terms of confidence, but also the skills and knowledge that he brings.”

They are obviously an incredibly strong team who have been through a lot together, especially in the past 12 months. “We’ve had a really difficult year,” Ella ventures. “Matt’s mum [Dame Tessa Jowell] got incredibly sick last year and recently passed away. They are such a close family and it was a sad, sad time.”

I ask Ella whether the passing of Matt’s mum has impacted her view on life?

72 • happiful • October 2018

“Absolutely, I think it would be hard for it not to. I used to panic about the future but I’ve learned so much from Matt’s family about taking each step as it comes. That way of being is really inbuilt in his family’s nature and came very naturally for his mum. She was a very grateful person, very appreciative for everything.” She pauses. “His family have been absolutely amazing, still being able to be happy together despite everything. That’s taught me a huge lesson. I understand now that there is so much about life and living that you can choose for yourself.”

Ella is determined to channel this same grateful and positive attitude.

“There are obviously a hundred life events that will come and slap you in the face and there are certain days when its hard – but Matt and I now work at being happy in the moments we have.”

As well as channelling this upbeat, in-the-moment attitude, Ella uses yoga to keep her centred and relaxed.

She started practising yoga when she first became ill, and it has become an integral part of her life. “If I can create positive headspace for myself, then I am able to help other people, if I stopped doing yoga I know that I wouldn’t have the ability to do that,” she smiles. “It feels like every day you get this little reset button. It helps me open up physically and mentally.”

Yoga has become so important to Ella that by the time you read this, she will have finished her yoga teacher training. She tells me that she is really looking forward to the training and having the time to focus on learning and improving just one thing, rather than the multitude of tasks she undertakes every day as creative director of Deliciously Ella.

I imagine that between running the business, communicating with her deeply engaged community, and fending off the occasional misconceptions about what she does, her day-to-day work life can have a

lot of pressures, and I note that she has used some of the diary pages within the book to respond to a few of her critics.

“I really did want to address some of the criticisms. You have to accept that there will be some, but occasionally what is said or written is just fundamentally wrong. They haven’t spoken with me, or asked what is happening. So, our accounts have been read and reported wrong, or we’ve been accused of treating the business as a hobby.” She laughs, “This is hard work, it’s not a hobby!

So yes, I wanted to write it down in my own words.”

Our chat turns to social media and its positive impact, but also the issues around boundaries, or the lack of them. “It’s become such a central part of our lives, but I think some people can struggle with boundaries – knowing what’s on there for ideas and inspiration, and what’s real life,” Ella explains. “I worry that sometimes people see so much of what you do, through a picture on social media, that they can assume

‘Deliciously

that’s all there is to it Ella, The Plantand to you. This book Based Cookbook’ allowed me to share features 100 simple our side of the story, vegan recipes to make as I know that lots of every day delicious other people out there (published by will be going through similar struggles too – Yellow Kite) and sometimes we’re all just a bit too nervous to speak out about them.”

Ella continues to talk openly about her challenges, and is humble about the successes of Deliciously Ella, emphasising that she and Matt couldn’t have made more mistakes or encountered stranger hurdles along the way. I suggest that her honesty about the bumpy often anxious road of entrepreneurship is important to share, to help those who aspire to start their own ventures too.

Ella agrees: “I think there’s a whole brilliant movement around entrepreneurship, but sometimes it can feel quite glossy. The reality of starting a business is not glossy. I appreciate that the Deliciously Ella journey may look smooth or linear from the outside, but that’s not the case and it’s good to share and learn from those experiences.”

It strikes me that the past six years have been wonderful, but also incredibly challenging for Ella.

She’s had a crash course in business development, witnessed the up and downsides of public attention, and experienced great love and also loss.

However, what comes across really strongly is awareness and gratitude for her own growth during this time, and an understanding of the possibilities open to her and the person she really is. And that, I think, is a person who is centred, kind, forever-learning and positive.

Not just Deliciously Ella. Positively Ella.

Follow Deliciously Ella on Instagram @deliciouslyella October 2018 • happiful • 73

Happiful Hack

The key to a

long-distance friendship Can a close relationship still thrive when you and your best friend end up living miles apart?

We have some amicable advice to ensure that absence will, indeed, make the heart grow fonder Writing | Kyle Clark Illustrating | Rosan Magar

I

t’s so easy to lose track of your old friends when you (or they) move somewhere new, especially when distance stops the frequent visits, and time escapes you.

Researchers have found that friendships can improve our mental health and wellbeing, making us happier individuals.

In a world dominated by social media, is it really possible to stop talking to someone?

Technically, no; you might give their post a like on Facebook, or comment how cute their pet is. But that isn’t friendship.

A friend is someone you talk to about everything, someone you share stories with and support in times of need.

Is it possible to keep this up over a distance? Yes! Here’s how:

1 Call them

While it may be more convenient to drop your best mate a text, messages can often be read the wrong way. Our minds can play tricks and make us think that our friend is being rude, even 74 • happiful • October 2018

calling

5

BRIGHT IDEAS

If you start seeing your friend hang out with new people, then you need to be OK with that. If your friendship is strong, you know that no one will fill the gap like your best friend though we know they wouldn’t be. If seeing them in person isn’t possible, the next best thing is a phone call, because you can hear their voice and how they express their words. There’s a sincerity about hearing your friend’s voice; everything seems more personal and you enjoy it more. Talking on the phone allows us to respond and connect in real-time.

Life LESSONS

2 Don’t get jealous

Jealousy can destroy your friendship. If your friend has moved away, they’ll probably make new friends. You shouldn’t feel like your friend is trying to replace you, they’re probably just trying to mingle and relax in their new home. The same goes if you’re the friend who moved away – if you start seeing your friend hang out with new people, then you need to be OK with that. If your friendship is strong, then you know that no one will fill the gap like your best friend does.

3 Arrange a meet-up

It might be possible to get together.

By arranging a meet-up, you’re both seeing each other in your truest form.

It’s not like a text, or even a phone call, where you might avoid certain topics; being with your friend means that you can talk about every single thought that crosses your mind.

If distance really is a problem, you should at least try to arrange something annually, and propose it months in advance so that you can both make plans. When that day finally arrives, you’ll be so excited to talk about everything you haven’t told them.

The only downside to meeting up is saying “goodbye”. But there is one thing that can make a “goodbye” easier – make future plans! Before you part, you could set a date for your next meet-up, that way it won’t be all doom and gloom, because you know you’ll see them again.

4 Remember their birthday!

This one might seem obvious, but it’s one that really could shake things if you forget it. If it’s not possible to visit your friend on their birthday, make sure you send something (bonus points if it arrives on the actual day).

You don’t have to break the bank with an extravagant gift, it needs to be something sentimental. And woo them with your kind words, painting a picture of how much you truly miss them. Use this opportunity to wish them well and let them know that they still have a special place in your heart, no matter how many miles away they are.

If you’re lucky enough to be able to visit them, why not make it a surprise?

Get planning with the people they’re close to, and make sure they’re going to be somewhere specific when you arrive. The look on their face is something you’ll both remember for years to come.

5 Get on with your own life

Finally, while you’re away from your friend, it can be so easy to slip into a state of nothingness because they’re not around. You have to remember that you both have lives, and you mustn’t forget about how important you are. If you don’t continue living your own life, you may even come to resent your friend for letting this happen.

The worst thing you can do to your long-distance friend is be angry with them for moving away.

Change is inevitable, but you are both individuals. As friends, you must support one another, encourage each other to live life, but both still be part of it. If the friendship is strong, staying close won’t be too difficult.

Kyle is a freelance writer for several publications where he curates informative articles on mental health, sexuality, and university life.

October 2018 • happiful • 75

LEARNING TO BE

f l e s y M By

After being born and raised in Canada, lifestyle and beauty blogger Estée Lalonde followed her heart to London in 2010. But after a recent break-up, Estée found herself living alone for the first time in her life.

Here, she reflects on the challenges she’s not only faced, but risen to since embracing singledom, and how some time getting to really know herself has been incredibly well-spent Writing | Esteé Lalonde

THE BEGINNING

I have always lived with someone. My family, my boyfriend; someone was always there for me to bounce ideas off, comfort me, wake up to. But now, at the age of 28, I have found myself in a position where I don’t have that soft place to fall. Although I was looking forward to the independence, a big part of me was terrified. Could I actually do this?

Going through a break-up comes with its own challenges. The heartache, leaving behind a life I had known, understanding that I wouldn’t see my beloved greyhound, Reggie, everyday… But I was determined to make my new life worthwhile, and I was going to take on the good, and the not so good, with a new energy.

If trying to find a flat and arrange utilities was any indication to go by, I was starting to realise that patience

and perseverance would be two things I would require for this new phase in my life.

The physical move went well and I threw myself into unpacking my things. I didn’t want company. I wanted to carefully unpack my life, taking time to absorb my past and how it was going to fit into my future. I was unwaveringly dedicated to putting things in their rightful place so I could wake up to familiar surroundings. Items that I had, in a past life, thoughtfully chosen to help uncover my new, future self.

At 3am, exhausted and satisfied with my progress, I prepared for bed.

I turned the music off (Fleetwood Mac, obviously) and crawled onto my mattress on the floor, under my fresh sheets that still smelt of that new, plastic smell from their packaging, and waited to doze off.

It was dark and my body was exhausted, but my mind had other ideas. I lay there, wondering why I didn’t take the time to hang up some blinds. The city lights poured in and I listened to one solo heartbeat pounding away and the tears came down. It was confusing. I was yearning for space, but I had so much of it I could hardly move.

Like my apartment, with its naked windows, I had never felt so exposed.

The loneliness and sadness was overwhelming. It was something that I hadn’t felt before. Reluctantly, I called my mom. I didn’t want to wake her, but I needed someone to tell me that it was going to be OK. We all need a cheerleader; someone on our side, to lift us up. It was, and still is, comforting to know I have someone like that in my life.

Continues >>>

Lifestyle & Relationships

“I’ve carved out a life for my dog Reggie and me, and I think that he and I can both agree, we are happy. Mostly.”

Humour really is the best medicine, and little things, like tending my plants or making a homecooked meal, matter to me so much more

78 • happiful • October 2018

Polaroids | @devblaskovich

Estée LALONDE

BUILD YOUR SANCTUARY After that call, and about a week into the move, I started choosing furniture and items I wanted to fill my apartment with. I tried to visualise in my mind how I wanted my life to look.

Am I a modern, cool girl, with clean lines and pastel colours? Or perhaps super laid-back surrounded by vintage furniture and modern lighting? In the end, all I wanted to do with the space was to make it feel like home. A place where I could turn the key and let the day wash away. My happiness seemed to depend on it, and I spent my down-time making lists. It was such a great distraction and led me to some standout pieces, including my camel-coloured leather couch, and decorative pillows for my bed (they do serve a purpose, damn it!).

As the days passed, I had organised my physical space, and began to hit my stride. Rather than retreating in fear, I made a decision to keep up with the day-to-day routines that would ground me. I threw myself into my work, attended regular yoga classes, took baths and found relief in new friendships and family. I was

starting to feel the ground below my feet slowly come back, and sometimes, when I passed a mirror, I recognised my confident, happy self in that reflection. I was starting to feel joy once again.

There are still lonely moments of course, but they’re fewer and far between. Last week, a note was slipped under my door; my neighbour asking that I come to her door as soon as I had a minute. It appeared that Reggie had exceeded our balcony boundary and had “watered” one of her flower pots. She insisted that I come in and take a look so she could figuratively rub my nose in it.

Of course I apologised and offered to replace her plant, and left with my tail between my legs, but months have passed and I realise now that this is life, my life, and it doesn’t have to be so serious (take that, neighbour).

Humour really is the best medicine, and little things, like tending my plants or making a home-cooked meal, matter to me so much more.

Learning to live alone has been truly transformative. It has forced me to look deeper inside myself. It has facilitated growth and change within

me that feels more like reconnecting with my roots and core. I have learned so much about myself. It has been such a trying and beautiful journey to experience.

I’m learning to go easier on myself.

Going through this has taught me that there is something within me – a fight, a desire to succeed, not just during tough times. That life is good. And I am so thankful for this experience. I’ve carved out a life for my dog Reggie and me, and I think that he and I can both agree, we are happy. Mostly.

I highly recommend living alone at least once in your life. Get to know who you really are. Realise that you’re tough and fearless and vulnerable and scared, but that this is what makes us all better people. Get to know you. It will serve you well.

‘On the Line with Estée Lalonde’ is available on all major podcasting platforms from 14 September; the Estée Lalonde for Daisy London jewellery range is available exclusively from daisyjewellery.com from 19 October. Follow @EsteeLalonde on social media.

October 2018 • happiful • 79

Lifestyle & Relationships

ENTER CODE:

HAPMAGOCT AT THE CHECKOUT

READER OFFER ONE YEAR FOR ONLY £57

£40

Get two months free on an annual subscription using code HAPMAGOCT at shop.happiful.com

What you’ll get:

• Happiful magazine delivered straight to your door every month • Post and packaging included • Exclusive competitions, prize draws, and a chance to feature inside • For every tree we use to print this magazine, we will ensure two are planted or grown Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing, using code HAPMAGOCT, which expires on 19 November 2018.

For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com.

Subscribe at happiful.com

80 • happiful • October 2018

Expert Article

A closer look at OCD

With OCD Awareness Week taking place this month, psychotherapist Noel Bell asks if there is a neurobiological basis for understanding OCD, which can help to provide greater insight for those with the condition Writing | Noel Bell

O

bsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is a common mental health condition, whereby an individual engages in obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours. The condition can lead to punishing rituals, and can have a negative impact on life functioning.

Knowledge of what is happening in the brain can help sufferers to better cope with the condition, so what is the neurobiological basis for understanding OCD?

The science behind OCD

Research into the neurobiology of OCD tends to be divided into how the repetition of thoughts occurs (which might be termed the mechanism of OCD), and the content of OCD-related thoughts (for example worries about contamination or harm to others).

While researchers have sought to explain the mechanism of OCD through scientific inquiry, it is difficult to find a consensus amongst neuroscientists about exact causes.

Functional brain imaging studies have, however, produced a model for the pathophysiology of OCD, which involves hyperactivity in certain subcortical and cortical regions.

The following description might sound very technical, but stay with me. It is possible to see the cause of OCD stemming from communication difficulties between the following brain areas: 1. A neuronal loop running from the orbital frontal cortex (where we get a sense that something is wrong) 2. To the cingulate gyrus (a sense of unease until a mistake is corrected) 3. Striatum (caudate nucleus and

putamen, which act as a form of gear shift allowing us to forget about something) 4. Globus pallidus and thalamus (i.e. cortico-striato-thalamic pathways) 5. And looping back again Essentially, this shows that the thought process that causes OCD is a journey where we sense trouble, feel uncomfortable when we sense that something isn’t right, and the point of moving on from that feeling is looping round again and again.

Brain scans have shown that these areas become hyperactive in OCD patients, as well as showing that the cingulate gyrus and caudate nucleus are permanently on – what Dr Jeffrey Schwartz, an American psychiatrist and researcher in the field of neuroplasticity and its application to OCD, calls “brain lock”.

Continues >>> October 2018 • happiful • 81

Lifestyle & Relationships

Understanding the “brain lock”

Brain lock refers to the main areas of the brain that are overstimulated in OCD patients. While it is worth remembering that research is ongoing in this field, nevertheless, researchers believe that an imbalance within the pathways that connect these areas involved in both the starting and stopping of behaviour may cause people with OCD to get stuck in repetitive loops of thought and behaviour. What experts are still debating is the cause of this brain lock – whether it is the caudate nucleus not acting as an automatic transition, not acting as a filter, or whether it is actually the orbital cortex overheating.

Brain lock refers to the main areas of the brain that are overstimulated in OCD patients Research published in Nature Neuropsychopharmacology in 2014 suggests that the pathophysiology of OCD might expand beyond the cortico-striato-thalamic loops. The study focused on how white matter tracts in the brain might be affected in those with OCD. The findings appear to reinforce the view that OCD is a disorder that results from faulty communication between multiple brain areas.

The research discovered that widespread abnormalities in the white matter of OCD patients had been reported, and this differed in the non-OCD group. Differences were most pronounced in tracts comprised of the corpus callosum (a large fibre bundle that connects the left and right hemispheres of the brain) and the cingulum (a group of fibres connecting different structures of the limbic system). The researchers 82 • happiful • October 2018

QUICK FACTS

An estimated 750,000 people in the UK are living with OCD at any one time – roughly 1.2% of the population.

OCD typically begins to impact men during late adolescence, and in the early 20s for women – although the condition can affect people of any age.

A quarter of OCD cases are diagnosed by age 14.

Happiful EXPERT

Anecdotal evidence would also suggest that mindfulness can help sufferers to calm the parts of their brain that have become overheated found that some of the abnormalities were connected to the corticostriato-thalamic pathways typically associated with OCD, but there were also published reports of anomalies beyond these.

What is the significance of the content of OCD thoughts?

In contrast to scientific research into how the repetitive behaviour occurs, the content of OCD thoughts is best understood by conventional counselling and psychotherapy, in which people with OCD discuss their backgrounds, fears and beliefs with therapists to resolve their problems.

Evidence does suggest, however, that facing fears seems to work better than talking about them, so exposure therapy could be beneficial. This is a form of treatment where you are gradually introduced to the fear within a safe environment, with the aim of reducing the fear over time.

Anecdotal evidence also suggests that mindfulness can help people with OCD to calm the parts of their brain that have become overheated, or where there has been brain lock.

This is where you focus on the present moment, as a form of meditation, fully aware of your surroundings and your behaviour within them – it could be as simple as really paying attention to your breathing, or sitting still and

focusing on your body and how it feels in that moment.

What support is available if you have OCD?

Understanding the neurobiology of OCD could ultimately empower you to better cope with the potentially debilitating symptoms. If you are worried that you might have OCD, speaking with your GP to discuss your concerns, as well as options for medication, is a good first step.

They may refer you to a consultant psychiatrist for further assessment.

There is some evidence that supports the view that selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) can be helpful in treating OCD. This has led some to suggest that a lack of serotonin may play an important role in the disorder. Research has supported the view that clomipramine, which inhibits both serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake, relieved symptoms, whereas noradrenergic reuptake inhibitors did not.

Cortico-striato-thalamic pathways, however, also utilise dopamine, so some have suggested that an imbalance between serotonin and dopamine levels may be at the root of the disorder. Another view is that SSRIs boost the rates of neurogenesis (the process through which neurons are produced), and it is this boost that alleviates symptoms of OCD. Opponents of the serotonin deficiency theory would argue that it would be ultimately more healthy to boost rates of neurogenesis organically and holistically rather than relying on pills, through therapy or pracising mindfulness.

To learn more about OCD and find support, visit ocduk.org or nhs.uk Noel Bell is a psychotherapist, focusing on relationships, addiction, and encouraging personal growth. Visit noelbell.net for more.

October 2018 • happiful • 83

Charity of the Month

Photography | Scope

YoungMinds:

Fighting for future generations For 25 years, YoungMinds has been batting brilliantly on behalf of young people’s mental health, as an innovative, inquisitive charity instigating wellbeing reform in both schools and society. As it is such a vital advocate for mental wellbeing, Happiful finds out what the charity has planned going forwards

S

ince 1993, YoungMinds has made it its mission to not just join, but to lead the conversation on how to better support youth mental health. They

84 • happiful • October 2018

Writing | Maurice Richmond

are champions of supporting and empowering the young people of today, as they contend with societal pressure that has grown to unprecedented levels.

The charity is equally at home lobbying Westminster for urgently

needed reforms, as it is picking up the phone to a worried parent – and shows no signs of letting up in its advocacy. Today, 25 years on, YoungMinds continues to launch groundbreaking campaigns, signpost support, and heighten awareness.

YoungMINDS

EARLY DAYS In 1993, YoungMinds’ initial aim was to help direct people to support in their area, and to raise awareness of children and young people’s mental health. A second service was a phone line, which offered parents a safe space to talk openly with professionals; now each year YoungMinds trains around 10,000 professionals, helping them to promote good mental health.

Tom Madders, director of campaigns, says: “With further funding, the parents service went on to establish itself nationally, taking an increasing number of calls and providing a wider range of information.

“In 2000, we changed the name of the service to the ‘Parents Helpline’ – its name today, which now takes around 13,000 calls per year from parents and carers who are worried about their children’s mental health.”

Today, YoungMinds is recognised as one of the UK’s leading charities fighting for children and young people’s mental health. Due to its influence, YoungMinds was selected

by Heads Together, led by the Royal Foundation, as one of eight

One in four children show evidence of mental ill-health and, worryingly, three in four children with a diagnosable condition are not getting the support and help they need

charities to work alongside the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and the Duke and Duchess of Sussex to change the conversation when it comes to mental health in the UK. “We’re here to make sure that all YoungMinds are supported and empowered, whatever the challenges,” Tom explains. “More children and young people than ever before are reaching out for help with their mental health. But for those who take that brave step, help is much too hard to find.”

“and with so much pressure put on schools to perform too, this often means that students’ mental health can take a back seat.

“What we need is for all schools to be supported to prioritise mental health and wellbeing across the whole school, through increased resources and greater recognition within the Ofsted inspection framework.”

FORWARD THINKING If 2017 was a year where awareness peaked, 2018 could well be BACK TO SCHOOL the year of strategy. The One in four government, which has THE MINDS children show pledged to increase BEHIND THE CHARITY evidence of NHS funding over Founded: 1993 mental illthe next five years, Full-time staff: 64 health and, has asked the NHS to Volunteers: 14 worryingly, publish a new 10-year Money fundraised: three in four plan later this year. £1,429,000 children with NHS providers are a diagnosable pleading caution. condition are not With a vast amount of getting the support and ground to cover, YoungMinds help they need. With statistics like is adamant that children’s services that, we could all learn a thing or should be a vital cog in the mental two about how to address this. health machine.

This prompted YoungMinds to Academically speaking, August and carry out its mental health survey September are also crucial times for in schools, which falls under its schools receiving results, and Tom Wise Up to Wellbeing in Schools believes school life to be at the heart campaign. of the issue.

An open letter to the Prime “Young people’s mental health crisis Minister urging her to rebalance the is real, and it is urgent,” says Tom. “An education system, placing greater estimated one in 10 children have a emphasis on wellbeing, attracted diagnosable mental health problem, 10,000 signatures and support from while many more go through times 40 MPs and members of the House where they struggle to cope. of Lords. Its recommendations have “The causes of mental health featured regularly in government problems are multiple and reports, and most notably the recent complex, but we know that Green Paper – the government’s difficult experiences in childhood, vision for children’s mental health. like growing up in poverty or “At the moment, young people are experiencing neglect or abuse, can under a huge amount of pressure have a huge impact on someone’s to get good results,” says Tom, mental health.

Continues

October 2018 • happiful • 85

Charity of the Month

Tom Madders, director of campaigns at YoungMinds

WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY

On 10 October, say #HelloYellow and support YoungMinds’ campaign for children and young people’s mental health on WMHD. To get involved, visit youngminds.org.uk/helloyellow

“Young people are also under a huge amount of pressure, including the need to achieve academically at school, bullying, concerns about body image, as well as worries for the future.”

To compound matters, YoungMinds’ #FightingFor survey found that only 9% of young people found it easy to get support. The charity also reported that parents and young people faced “barriers at every step of the way”, whether this was receiving support, getting referred, getting assessed, or waiting for treatment.

The charity believes that despite welcome extra investment in children’s mental health services from 2015–2020, by the end of this period, the NHS will only be able to help one in three young people who need mental health support.

(CAMHS) to adult services, looking to improve this experience for young people.

Their YoungMinds Welcome project sees them support the mental health needs of child asylum seekers and refugees, through training professionals on how best to help these children, particularly in relation to trauma they may have experienced.

Alongside resilience and trauma campaigns, they also have their No Harm Done project, which endeavors to “reassure those affected by selfharm that things can, and do, get better”. With between one in 12 and one in 15 children and young people in the UK self-harming, the charity has created resources for the individuals themselves, parents or carers, and professionals.

CARRY ON CAMPAIGNING To address the issues facing young people’s mental health, YoungMinds has a range of projects to deliver much needed help and support for the youth of today. These include their survey for feedback on transitioning from Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services

#HELLOYELLOW The #HelloYellow is YoungMinds’ flagship day, where its potential to raise funds – and awareness – is at its peak.

It falls on World Mental Health Day (10 October) and is calling on us to embrace our “yellow side”, and has done so for the past three years.

86 • happiful • October 2018

“Lots of young people who struggle with their mental health feel lonely or isolated, and #HelloYellow day is a chance for schools, families, communities, and offices to get together, put on some yellow clothes, and show those young people that they’re not alone,” says Tom. “Alongside great fundraising ideas and lesson plans for schools, last year we asked people to share their positive mental health messages, and we were overwhelmed with the response – with almost 35,000 posts on social media during the day.

“In 2017, we had support from YouTuber Daniel Howell, children’s character, Horrid Henry, and local businesses – and we’ve got some exciting things to come this year too!”

To discover more about the charity and get involved with their campaigns, visit youngminds.org.uk For advice and support with your child’s mental health, call YoungMinds’ helpline on 0808 802 5544

Reader warning: please note this story includes detail of abuse that some readers may find upsetting.

Keeley’s Story

In the process of recovering Growing up in an abusive household made Keeley Stephenson fear for her own life, until a social worker took her to a safe place, and ensured her mum received help to manage her schizophrenia. Now, Keeley is on her road to recovery, and while it will take sometime to heal, she wants to support other young people who’ve been abused

T

he smells, voices and traumatic scenes of my past still haunt me. I hold 23 years worth of experience in the world of pain.

It’s my responsibility now to try and overcome what’s happened, and what is still happening every single day.

Although I’ve said goodbye to the rejection and fear, they still try to creep their way back in, causing me to feel anxious, and

that I can’t trust anyone, and that my future is far from bright. But I know that it’s a lie.

It all began when I was a newborn, just days old, when my mother abandoned me in a supermarket and was nowhere in sight. If you’re wondering where my father was, well I’ve only witnessed his existence through pictures.

As a result of this incident, I was taken to foster care for a few

months until my mother could get back on her feet. She has schizophrenia and was trying to overcome this affecting her life by taking her daily medication.

However, it’s when I finally went back into her care that it all began to spiral. Living with her was really a gamble; there would be some days you think you’d survive, and some where you literally thought life was going to be over.

Continues >>>

October 2018 • happiful • 87

Feeling Empowered to Heal

Keeley’s Story Due to the battling thoughts that went through her mind – the paranoia and false illusions she had about the people around her – I felt the impact of it. She would calling me ugly, stupid, good for nothing and worthless, alongside physically abusing me.

She would treat me as if I was less than human; she once used my face as an ashtray to put out her cigarette. She chased me up the stairs with a knife, tried to shut my head in the window, and continuously beat me.

It was a living hell, but I always believed there was someone who could take my pain away and help my mum with the mental illness that caused her to hurt me – and that person was God. At that age I didn’t know anything about religion, or that there was somebody who could perhaps help me. I guess when you’re in a place of complete darkness, you

My mother smiled, taking me inside as if nothing happened. I could now see the guilt on her face for what she knew she’d done 88 • happiful • October 2018

Keeley was relieved when a social worker took her to safety, where she was able to be a child again

cannot help but think that there is a way out from this.

As time went on, I understood more about what was happening, and the shame eroded in me – most often when I was leaving school.

Going home was always a battle; we would always walk no matter what the weather was like. I hated it because she’d try to push me in the road, shouting that she didn’t want me anymore and that it would be better if I got run over. My heart felt as if it was going to come out of my chest as I gripped the bollards or gates – the only way that I could maintain my safety, while longing for the intervention of a passerby.

Don’t get me wrong, when she took her medication it wasn’t all bad. She’d take me to the park and buy me something nice to eat, while smiling with the other parents. But when things got bad, they were bad.

Luckily, one day a neighbour witnessed my mother’s abuse in our garden. My mother began punching me so much that I screamed. I then saw my neighbour open the door and the shock on his face. My mother looked over and smiled, taking me inside as if nothing happened.

She petted me and asked if I was hurt, and I could now see the guilt on her face for what she knew she’d done.

The next day we received a knock at the door. This was a shock because my mum had cut ties with the majority of our friends and family, so we practically had no one coming to see us. But the visitor turned out to be someone very necessary; someone who had the power to remove me from this mess, so that I could play, breathe, and enjoy life as an 11-year-old child again.

It was a social worker, who explained that her reason for the visit was due to an anonymous call about a disturbance at this address. I was excited and scared at the same time; excited because it meant my pain would end, but scared because I knew that if I was left in my mother’s care another day, I could potentially die. Luckily, staying with her was no longer an option, and my social worker came prepared, ready to remove me immediately.

True LIFE

I could finally sleep at night, knowing that my mother was getting the treatment she deserved while speaking my mind without the fear of judgement, being a real child again, and somehow learning to trust again. Although this was going to take some time, I was ready to become the real me. But in trying to do so, I came into contact with many hurdles.

Trusting people was one of them; I believed that if my own mother could hurt me the way that she had, then nobody else owed me anything.

I had immense anxiety, and experienced suicidal thoughts, believing that my life was such a mess that ending it and keeping it to myself it would be the better option for me. However, I chose to deal with these experiences myself and use poetry as an outlet to express what I was going through.

I blossomed like never before, and began to feel as if I was a real individual – one that had meaning, a sense of value and hope attached to her It all began to transform for me when I received what I would call “spiritual healing”.

My foster carer taking me to church was the big game changer; I felt loved, accepted like never before and experienced a personal relationship with God. My outlook on life changed, providing me with an escape from my past to the purpose I believe God had for me.

I blossomed like never before, and began to feel as if I was a real individual – one that had meaning, a sense of value and hope attached to her. I’m glad that I’ve experienced life at its worst, because I can now appreciate life at its best!

Although I’m still in the process of recovering, I’m a million times better than I was 12 years ago.

If you’re wondering whether I still keep in contact with my

mum, the answer is no. A few weeks ago I saw her at the same road crossing as me, but she didn’t recognise me. I spoke to her mental health nurse last year, with the hope of planning supervised contact, but she explained that my mother is adamant she doesn’t have any family. They believed it would be better to leave her to access treatment until improvements are made.

As a result of this, I have managed to move on with my life. I’m on my way to completing a three-year degree – which has taken me eight years to do. I am a project manager for a Youth Violence Forum, a lifestyle blogger, and in the near future I plan to have my own charity that empowers young people who have gone through similar experiences to me.

Our Expert Says Keeley’s story is a sobering account of the difficulties that schizophrenia can cause when treatment is not in place. No child should suffer the experiences that she lived through. Her neighbour’s intervention reminds us all of our responsibility to be aware and speak up when we have safeguarding concerns. Keeley’s experience of spiritual practice reminds us of how finding a connection beyond ourselves can support healing. What Keeley has already achieved shows her resilience, strength, and resourcefulness, and I wish her well.

Fe Robinson | MUKCP (reg) MBACP (reg) psychotherapist and clinical supervisor

October 2018 • happiful • 89

Happiful Hero

4,000 Hours:

Supporting people during the most difficult time of their lives Nominated by City Hospice’s volunteer officer Alex Fagan, Edith Clarke is the outstanding volunteer giving up her time to help others

T

he diagnosis of a lifelimiting illness can be scary and often overwhelming.

But local services and hospices can be an incredible source of support and comfort. Offering expert care and counselling for patients and their families, City Hospice can be a light in dark times for those living in Cardiff.

Strained funding and pressure on the services mean that volunteers are the lifeblood of these organisations. And one such wonderful woman supporting the City Hospice as a truly unique and outstanding volunteer is 85-year-old Edith Clarke.

Send your Edith joined City nominations to Hospice in 1996, hello@happiful.com and her colleagues estimate that since then she has completed an astounding 4,000 hours of voluntary service.

Throughout her 22 years at the hospice, Edith has given her time

Do you know an unsung hero?

90 • happiful • October 2018

to bereavement support; originally providing telephone support to patients and family members, before running a group for recently bereaved people to come together to share experiences and make new friends – a version of which is still running today.

Today, Edith works with a team of qualified counsellors, providing them with general administrative support.

In recent years the hospice has seen a significant increase in the number of referrals to counsellors, but through all the changes and challenges Edith has been there. According to her colleagues, Edith’s “warm and sympathetic manner is sure to have brought them support at the most difficult time in their lives”.

Although Edith’s mobility is not what it once was, she travels to and from the hospice each week via taxi, at her own expense. “Edith’s our unsung hero as she turns up whatever the weather, and does whatever needs doing without quibble or question because she knows the support she gives is invaluable to people in need of counselling and bereavement support,” says Alex.

Edith has been volunteerin g at the City Hospice for 22 years

“She’s an extraordinary lady who personifies the ethos of volunteering; she’s committed, caring, and compassionate in everything she does in support of patients and families in Cardiff,” Alex continues.

“Everyone at City Hospice is thrilled that her years of hard work are being recognised as we think she’s brilliant!”

To find out more about City Hospice, or to donate, visit cityhospice.org.uk

THE TIME IS NOW

Photography | Garrett Sears

“The secret to getting ahead is getting started.”

– Mark Twain

June 2018 • happiful • 91

Find the help you deserve.

Speak with one of our

counsellors today.

Search for Counselling Directory

Self care isn’t selďŹ sh counselling-directory.org.uk