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March, 2021
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Editor’s Letter Okay, Dems, now’s your chance Now that Impeachment, the Sequel, is over, it’s time for Democrats to get down to business. They need to deliver. Otherwise, it’s the same ol’ pattern, rinse and repeat: win the presidency, lose the Congress in two years, don’t get anything done due to Republican obstruction, voters get frustrated and vote in the next reality-show president. While it’s true the House didn’t get a conviction in the Senate, the 2/3rds vote needed is nearly impossible to achieve, especially with so many Republicans willing to abdicate their duties as impartial jurors and put party over country. Considering the current political climate, however, the seven crossover votes is impressive. The result was a bipartisan repudiation of Trump and his authoritarian tendencies. This, along with the clear mandate from the election, gives Democrats a lot of momentum, if they’ll use it. The first order of business ought to be dealing with the outdated, anti-democratic, muchabused filibuster rule. What’s not talked about much is the fact that the filibuster rule can be changed without eliminating it entirely. However, it would take amending what’s called Rule 22, which itself would require a most-likely unobtainable 2/3rds majority. Republicans would have to be convinced it would help them in the long run as well. Changes could include altering the number of votes it takes to override a filibuster from 60 to 55, for example. Or, a plan I like would progressively reduce the number of votes needed to override it, say, from 60 to 56, then 52, until we’re back to a majority vote. This gives the minority time to make their views known and try to convince Senators to change their vote, thus fulfilling the filibuster’s original purpose, while allowing for legislation to move forward eventually. It would be much better for the country, and much more democratic. Short of that, Dems could use the “nuclear option,” as it’s been dubbed, which is explained in an excerpt of an article we’ve printed on page 6. Unfortunately, two conservative Dems stand in the way: Joe Manchin of WV and Krysten Sinema of AZ. They, as well as other Democrats, worry about not having that power once they’re back in the minority. Problem is, by not getting much-needed and nationally popular legislation through, Dems will find themselves in the minority again that much sooner. Republicans used the so-called nuclear option during Trump’s term to ram their justice appointments through, and with a little creativity, perhaps Democrats could use it to get some of their favored legislation passed (which, by an important coincidence, also happens to be favored by a majority of voters!). I say the time is now. Let’s move, Dems!!! – James Israel, Editor P.S. The next issue, April 2021, will be our 30th Anniversary Issue! In normal times, we would have planned a celebration in our hometown of Sacramento, CA, as we’ve done for past anniversaries. But in the Age of Covid, unfortunately, we can’t. So we’ll put all our energy into putting out a particularly good issue! Meanwhile, as always, we remind you that we need your support. As a small publication in a bad economy, we face a perpetual battle to survive. Please consider giving subscriptions, donating and/or becoming an ongoing patron at www.patreon .com/humortimes. Thank you so much! NOTE TO SUBSCRIBERS: First of all, thank you so much for subscribing to the Humor Times! You keep us going. Secondly, if you subscribed through an online magazine agent, please do us a favor and subscribe directly with us at https://subs.humortimes.com! For example, if you subscribed through a company like magazines.com, we have to share your subscription fee with them, while our mailing and printing costs remain the same. So it would help us a lot if instead you renewed directly with us. To check your account type, look at the address label on the back cover. After your name, you will see two numbers: one beginning with “S” and one with “D”. “S” is your account number, and it has a dash and another letter after the number. That denotes Direct (“D”) or Agent (“A”). If it’s “A”, you subscribed through an agent. Please get in touch with the company you used, and tell them you do not wish to renew. (You will still get all the issues you paid for.) Then, be sure to contact us (see below) and let us know, as we’ll need to send you direct renewal reminders when it’s time. The price is the same if you’re set to auto-renew (as you likely are with them). By the way, the other number on the label, starting with “D”, is the issue Due number – the issue with which your subscription comes due.The current issue number is on the front cover, upper left. Thanks again!
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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 30, Issue 347, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”) Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Subscriptions: http://subs.humortimes.com. Website: www.humortimes.com. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Galt, CA 95632. Contributors: Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Ken Catalino, Diane de Anda, John Deering, Michael Egan, Roger Freed, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, David Martin, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Dan Wasserman & others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times (formerly the Comic Press News) is printed on recycled paper, using at least 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2021. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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March, 2021
Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without…Give the HUMOR TIMES!
HUMOR TIMES
3
Republicans a-Quit It was a day that will live in infamy...
like other tragedies we’ve endured, with one stark difference.
The insurgents had been whipped up over time...
and then, on Jan. 6th, given their marching orders.
Heroes did what they could...
but when it was all over...
instigator alligators feigned righteousness...
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and suspects in the case sat in judgement. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
March, 2021
For MAGA folk, it was confusing...
but they clung to their illogical excuses.
Trump wanted to have his say...
and didn’t like his lawyers...
so he found better representation.
Soon, it was time for the show to begin.
It was a simple case to prosecute...
March, 2021
but Republicans were scared. (continued, pg. 7)
HUMOR TIMES
5
The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Singer/Songwriter Bob Dylan By Dean Kaner Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews singer/songwriter and music legend Bob Dylan. ANNOUNCER: From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. JERRY: Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is singer/songwriter and music legend Bob Dylan. He does it all. Sings, writes songs, paints. A rock and roll hall of famer. Welcome, Zimmy. BOB DYLAN: I haven’t been called that in a long time. JERRY: It’s short for your real last name Zimmerman. Right? DYLAN: Yeah. I was born Robert Zimmerman in Duluth, Minnesota. Do you know where that is? JERRY: No. DYLAN: Neither do I. JERRY: I know you’ve had a good life. But what’s the most traumatic moment you recall? DYLAN: Besides being on your show? JERRY: Goes without saying. DYLAN: I get emotional when I think about it. I had just taken an acid trip. It was a beautiful morning, so I hiked on a mountain near my home. I actually made it to the top then slipped off the edge trying to find my weed. My girlfriend said I looked Like a Rolling Stone as I rolled down the side. When I awoke in the hospital, the doctor whispered Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright. Yeah. A few cracked ribs and my head screwed up, but I survived. JERRY: (fake cry) Boo hoo, boo hoo. DYLAN: Get a grip. Here’s a hanky. JERRY: Thanks, man. Bob. If a blonde and a brunette jumped off a cliff, who would hit the ground first? DYLAN: The blonde? JERRY: The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. DYLAN: You’re nuts. I’m going to write a song about you, Duncan. I’ll call it “Thought I Was Crazy Til I Met You.” JERRY: Will it be a love song? DYLAN: No. Someone in an insane asylum waiting for a lobotomy.
JERRY: Not a pretty ending. DYLAN: That’s right. You become a vegetable. JERRY: Your songs are anthems for the civil rights and anti-war movements. Blowin in the Wind and The Times They Are a-Changin. Big hits. DYLAN: Cash cows. Cha ching, cha ching. JERRY: You’ve sold more than 100 million records. You’re in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Songwriters Hall of Fame. You’ve received a Presidential Medal of Freedom, 10 Grammy Awards, a Golden Globe Award and an Academy Award. DYLAN: You forgot two. The Nobel prize in literature and the biggest honor of all. JERRY: Which is? DYLAN: The Gas Award for smelly friends and stinky family members. Those baked bean dinners paid off. JERRY: Tell me about your paintings. DYLAN: I paint mostly from life. I’m interested in people and histories. Like train tracks and small towns. Where I was raised, the town was so small that Entering and Leaving signs were on the same pole. JERRY: Are you going to cut off your ear like Van Gogh and send it to a girlfirend? DYLAN: Which ear did Van Gough cut off? JERRY: It doesn’t matter. The other one is left. DYLAN: Do you wanna hear a Van Gough joke? JERRY: Sure. DYLAN: Alright. Ear it goes. JERRY: One last thing. You just hit the mother lode. DYLAN: You talking about me selling my songs to Universal Music for $300 million? Why you asking? You’re rich. JERRY: I’m rich? It Ain’t Me Babe. See you tomorrow. The Jerry Duncan Show / (c) Dean B. Kaner
How could the Senate get rid of the filibuster? Excerpted from an article by Grace Segers, CBS News, 8/12/2020. There is an easy way, and there is a hard way. Senators would likely choose the easy way, but here's the hard way, just for kicks. The Senate could formally change the text of Rule 22, which is the rule that requires 60 votes to end debate on a measure. But ending debate on a resolution to change the Senate's rules would require support from two-thirds of senators, and it's highly unlikely that 67 senators would agree to changing the Senate rules to eliminate the filibuster. That leaves the easy way, a procedural move colloquially and melodramatically known as the "nuclear option." A new Senate precedent can be created when a senator raises a point of order, or states that a Senate rule is being violated. If the presiding officer agrees, a new precedent is established. If the presiding officer disagrees, another senator can appeal the ruling, and a simple majority can overturn the presiding officer's ruling and create a new precedent. It's been done before. In 2013, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid invoked the nuclear option to end filibusters for all presidential nominations except for Supreme Court nominations, after Republicans blocked Mr. Obama's nominations to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit. In 2017, the Republicans, now back in control of the Senate, struck back and used the nuclear option to end filibusters for the Supreme Court nomination of Robert Gorsuch, and then again in 2018 for Brett Kavanaugh's nomination. In 2019, the Senate went "nuclear" again, voting to slash debate time for some nominees from 30 hours to two hours. By June, the Senate had confirmed 200 of President Trump's judicial nominees. The text of Rule 22 never changed, but precedent — how the rule was interpreted — did. "Every time the Senate uses the nuclear option, it makes it easier for the next majority to use it," said Sarah Binder, a senior fellow in Governance Studies at the Brookings Institution and professor of political science at George Washington University.
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HUMOR TIMES
March, 2021
Republicans a-Quit (continued) The videos made the case...
but Republicans couldn’t see it...
and reverted to their ever-reliable “what aboutism.”
They said it was a matter of principle...
and their alleged “love of country over party”...
was overcome by fealty to their main squeeze.
You could say the jury was tainted...
March, 2021
as 43 simply ‘a-quit’ honoring their oaths of office. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
7
Republicans a-Quit (conclusion) House Managers considered calling witnesses...
who could’ve set the record straight.
But it was, in the end, an impossible task...
and Republicans were ready to move on.
Afterwards, Mitch really let ’im have it...
but we can look forward to more of the same...
having let the criminal off the hook.
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At least now, the “Sedition Caucus” has to own it.
HUMOR TIMES
March, 2021
Majority Party It’s a lofty aspiration...
that in practice, works differently...
and some will get left out.
Dems had to defer some goals...
as some senators are not rolling with the program.
Meanwhile, Gov. Cuomo’s rep is on life support...
and Bernie memes have proliferated...
sometimes going too far.
March, 2021
HUMOR TIMES
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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’
Fox News Hosts Adjust to Changed Roles Under New Owner Jeff Bezos Bezos has set radically new roles for Fox News hosts since his surprise takeover of the network. By Diane de Anda
Fox News headliners put on brave faces in new roles on the network.
In a hurriedly called press conference, Jeff Bezos has announced that he has purchased Fox News for an undisclosed amount. He indicated that his purpose in buying the network was to “clean the airwaves of ‘fake news’ and general lunacy.” He is totally revamping its programming, but will keep some Fox News headliners on until their contracts expire. However, they will be given entirely new roles in the new programming. If they choose to leave rather than accept these roles, they will be sued for breach of contract. Sean Hannity will still have his own show, but it will now be called The Shame on Sean Show (Mr. Bezos loves alliteration.). Sitting atop a high platform, Sean will give a ten minute presentation of his latest right wing tropes or conspiracy theories (myths) that have no factual basis. This will be followed by a twenty minute multimedia presentation by The Lincoln Project, totally refuting his statements with factual evidence. At the end of the presentation, a multi-ethnic choir will come on stage and sing the theme song “Shame on Sean” as the chair flips forward and catapults him into a vat of bull… below. A major portion of the network’s air time will be devoted to children’s programming. This will include several remakes of children’s classics of which Mr. Bezos is particularly fond. The traditional Punch and Judy puppets will be replaced by Fox News headliners Tucker Carlson dressed as Punch and Laura Ingram as Judy, on a large puppet theater set with traditional story lines during which they beat each other over the head with rubber clubs. Rush Limbaugh, who had signed a contract for guest appearances throughout the year, will zip back and forth across the set dressed as Clarabell the Clown (wearing his Medal of Honor), honking his horn between shows. Bill Nye, the Science Guy, will be hosting a science show for children (and their parents) to refute the numerous examples of erroneous scientific information Fox News has presented over the years. The first lesson, which has already been taped, was on the effects of global warming, with a demonstration of the melting of the glacial ice pack. The demonstration consisted of encasing Kimberly Guilfoyle dressed as a Yeti in a mountain of shaved ice and then turning on heat lamps above it and watching it melt. Bill Nye then provided two lessons, one on the effects of glacial melting on sea level and the Yeti as a myth when he pulled the head off the Yeti costume. When Guilfoyle’s head was revealed, the children in the audience began screaming and continued to scream until Bill Nye replaced the Yeti head. The jazz group that created the popular song “Trump is Gone” will open and close the network programming with the variation “Fox is Gone” at the end of which Simon Cowell will hit the gold buzzer and shower them and Bezos with a hail of gold confetti.
12
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Donald Trump to Become President of Slobovia Lost Book of the Bible Dispatches from Snn (Slobovian News Net- Slobovia back on track.” Reveals Exactly When work), by Ted Holland Dr. Nowea Inhelle, head of the Political SciIn a historic vote in the Slobovian Parlia- ence Department at The University of Stanckt is ‘Hell Will Freeze Over’ ment, both the opposed to the Uppdeasse (the move, on the upper house and grounds that Mr. the Outtedeasse Trump is not a (the lower house) natural born unanimously Slobovian. voted to offer forShe added, mer United however, “Mr. States President Trump’s ability Donald Trump to piss people off the position of and incite to riot President of is a positive… Slobovia, and to since it’s every give him free Slobovian’s right Trump tries on Slobovian presidential outfit for size. reign as to how to to attack and derule the country. stroy the current government at their discreIn a move seen as likely to cinch the deal, the tion… he may be a good choice.” parliament guaranteed Trump full access to In its history, Slobovia has had roughly 700 Slobovian Twitter. civil wars, but the last few have been so mellow The Kytchenbytche (the women’s parlia- that no one noticed them. There is a widespread ment) abstained, stating they wanted to make feeling that Mr. Trump could bring Slobovian the same offer to Nancy Pelosi. civil wars back into the news. Former Slobovian President Noballes Wusse It is rumored that if Donald Trump turns stated, “Mr. Trump can inspire White people to down the job, it will be offered to another promriot in America… he is what we need to get inent American: Tom Brady.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Finally Punished by GOP By Lesley Leben Medicare for All,” Greene said. “I plan to take Kevin McCarthy finally comes down on this issue up at the next QAnon meeting. The Marjorie Taylor Greene, in the worst way. spaceship lands next Thursday but I’m not waitAfter weeks of silence, Kevin McCarthy, the house minority leader, issued a devastating blow to Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene today, stripping the congresswoman of her middle name. “Marjorie Greene has to deal with the consequences of her rhetoric. Words matter. Her racist, anti-Semitic, anti-truth, anti-American, anti-coherent, comments are dangerous and warrant disciplinary action commensurate with her abuses,” McCarthy stated. “She will retain a seat on the education, the intelligence, and the ethics committees,” he added. According to sources, Marjorie Taylor GOP Rep. Greene. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com. Greene, henceforth known as Marjorie ing; I’m demanding that Scotty beam me up imGreene, emerged from the meeting visibly mediately,” the congresswoman asserted. shaken. When asked if there will be any conse“I’m humiliated. First the Democrats steal quences if Representative Greene doesn’t curthe election, now my own party steals my iden- tail her hate speech, McCarthy replied, “We tity. I don’t see them taking the O from AOC may be forced to remove the ‘e’ from her last when she makes disgusting comments like name, but I truly hope it doesn’t come to that.”
Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Canada names Proud Boys a terrorist group How bad do you have to be for a country that tolerates Nickleback to ban your ass? Stormy Daniels on Michael Cohen for 30 minutes Or, 29 minute and 45 seconds longer than she was on Trump. Permanent security fencing coming to US Capitol Damn, Mexico’s going to need to take a second job to pay for this one. Jessica Biel pays tribute to Justin Timberlake on his 40th birthday: “I honor you today, baby” Look for his new single “Bringing Napping Back.” Trump’s Impeachment lawyers not good at jobs To be fair, Trump’s impeachment defense team should be called the ‘COVID-19’ because no self-respecting lawyer wants to get within six feet of it. Lincoln Project Co-Founder Steve Schmidt resigns from board amid scandal Damn, so many people from there are looking for work, it’s now the ‘LinkedIn Project.’ Plane flies over Mar-a-Lago with banner taunting Trump: ‘Worst President Ever’ … very funny, descendants of Andrew Johnson.
Catholic Priest fired after performing Exorcisms to keep Trump in office … Which is the closest Trump’s come to anything involving exorcising. After $1 million vaccine donation, Dolly Parton says she’s “not going to jump the line” While the rest of us would hold her place in line “from 9 to 5!” FOX viewership way down Word is, FOX News has been losing viewers so quickly soon they’ll have to start airing ‘Fox and Friend.’ Ja Rule weighs in on Robinhood blocking GameStop and AMC stock trades Ja Rule is giving stock market advice…? I’m not feeling so bad about getting that medical advice from Dr. Dre. Tom Brady tossed the Lombardi Trophy between boats Good thing that wasn’t Jay Cutler or it would’ve been picked off and swam back to a touchdown! Maine’s Republican Senator Susan Collins votes to convict Trump I guess, at least, one person learned a lesson from the first trial.
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
HUMOR TIMES
Newly discovered book explains when hell will freeze over and what will happen when it does. Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network), by Ted Holland For centuries in Christian English speaking countries the saying “When Hell Freezes Over” has been a favored colloquialism. Other cultures interpret the saying differently. For instance, devout Slobovian Defecationists believe it refers to the last great Schitte, when the great god King Feces will return to earth and collect his most ardent worshipers.
Recently, while constructing a 220,000 seat Horse Hockey venue in the newly created Slobovian colony of Durkrappe, workers unearthed what is believed to be the original manuscript of the long lost book of the Bible known as “Schmukke.” Durkrappe is located in an area that in biblical times was known as “The Valley of Shittim,” believed to have been owned by Lot’s wife’s first cousin. According to legend, the prophet Sqwatte was preaching the gospel on consignment from the apostle Paul when he was approached by the evil queen Yhomasahore, who desired to have sex with him. When he refused, she had him chained to the giant Shittim Tree for eternity. He supposedly wrote the Book of Schmukke while chained to the tree. When the valley was was over run by the Hittites, Sqwatte and the evil queen were killed and the book was lost. According to Dr. N.U. Endo of the University of Stanckt, who translated the manuscript from Shitt to Slobovian, the book contains not only the date on which Hell will freeze over, but several predictions that are relative to 2021. The book as related to the Neo Slobovian Calendar predicts the date of Hell freezing over as being Octember 35 of this year. Scholars at American Universities are working hard to decipher the date to modern English calendars. Predictions found in the book say that when hell freezes over, the following will happen: • Pigs will fly • Global Warming will be over • Pussy and cable TV will be free • Duke and Carolina will merge into one school • the minimum wage will be 3,424.75 an hour • Nancy Pelosi will give Donald Trump Some • Covid will go away • Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Sam Cooke, Aretha Franklin and Otis Redding will rise from the grave and there will be real music on the radio once again.
Surgeon General’s Warning: ‘Humor Times’ Habit-Forming Biden’s new Surgeon General, Susan Orsega, warned citizens about a national political humor magazine called the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter – upsetting the habitually pessimistic and people with weaker stomachs. If it continues to amuse people so, the publication may have to be quarantined, she warned. “Sure, we all like to laugh, but at what price? Sudden guffaws can spread COVID. Tears of laughter can blur your vision. And smiling can tire your facial muscles,” she added. “We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’ but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.” (Ed. note: A subscription form can be found on page 3 – use at your own risk!)
March, 2021
Bipartisanship
Mar-a-Lago With his work done...
You can try all you want...
but it ain’t gonna happen. Trump headed down to ol’ Mar-a-Lago...
It’s just a continual tug-of-war... to keep tabs on things...
and the big winner is always the same.
March, 2021
and reap the fruit of his labors.
HUMOR TIMES
13
Hostile Takeover Ever since she made her grand entrance...
party hanchos have been making excuses for Greene.
But she came to “represent”...
and spread her “truth.”
It’s hard to hide in such a toxic environment...
so party moderates try to deflect attention.
It can be hard to see what’s really happening...
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until it’s too late.
HUMOR TIMES
March, 2021
Under New Management Finally, Trump’s un-reality show ended...
and though his exit was quite ignominious...
his slogan finally came true.
Joe Biden was inaugurated...
and V.P. Kamala Harris made history.
You could tell things were going to be different...
right away...
March, 2021
and it just felt better. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
15
The Hightower Lowdown We Can Push Biden for Fundamental Change Things turned around quickly...
as Joe sought a speedy recovery...
and extended an invite that could not be accepted.
We’ve put Joe Biden in the White House … but what do we get back for that? We get a real possibility of winning some progressive policies. Not that he will turn into a fireball of democratic populism, but unlike in 1992 and 2008, when then-President Bill Clinton and then-President Barack Obama fleetingly raised hopes that progress was possible, respectively, two new factors give progressive proposals and fundamental change a greater chance this time. One: Biden himself. Despite a long career representing Delaware, the home state of corporate America, a core part of Biden’s political makeup is that he’s Joe Labor. He comes to the job with a genuine affinity for working stiffs. He’s comfortable in union halls and working-class bars, and he unabashedly campaigned as “a union guy.” Neither Clinton nor Obama had that in them. For Biden, labor rights are about showing gut-level respect for working families, caring less about the wealth of Wall Street and more for the well-being of workers. Two: you and me. This is not ’92 or ’08, when our incoming presidents simply said, “Thank you and goodbye,” to grassroots backers and then handed the government’s economic keys to Wall Street bankers and corporate lobbyists. We won’t allow Biden to do that, and he knows it. Today, there’s an organized, battle-tested left on alert in practically every congressional district. It includes street-savvy and digitally connected movements of color, scrappy labor organizers and mobilizers, aggressive contingents of climate activists, and ever-watchful Berniecrats and Elizabeth Warren enthusiasts. Plus, we now have a growing cadre of unwilting agitators who are members of Congress, willing to expose and oppose insider sellouts. This time, progressive forces are neither weak nor meek, and we’re not about to be shushed or shooed away by Joe or a go-slow establishment. We’re akin to the insistent forces of fundamental change who asserted themselves 89 years ago after Franklin D. Roosevelt won the presidency. FDR had not run as a fiery New Dealer but as a centrist Democrat promising little more than to rid the White House of the clueless, nearly comatose former President Herbert Hoover. The moment he was elected, militant grassroots movements, along with such popular political firebrands on his left as Huey Long, Maury Maverick and Upton Sinclair, were in his face. They are the ones who created the historic New Deal reform agenda… and then made Roosevelt spend political capital to pass it. The parallels are not exact, but many of the dynamics of that period are in play again, and there’s one big lesson from the New Dealers we should heed: Push hard and fast. We can’t just
JIM HIGHTOWER settle for sweeping out, disinfecting and patching up our national house after former President Donald Trump’s four-year plunderfest. A fundamental, comprehensive structural rebuild must be our demand, including such policy areas as health care, immigration, environment, civil justice, labor law and infrastructure. But here’s another huge area of moral, cultural and economic significance that must become a priority for a major policy overhaul — an area that the Democratic Party and most progressives have ignored for decades, to the detriment of millions of people and our own political strength: the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Consider Biden’s current nominee, Tom Vilsack. He actually tried to resign as secretary under Obama in 2015, complaining, “There are days when I have literally nothing to do.” Seriously? At the time whole towns were boarding up, massive hog factories were exploiting farmers and local residents, states were slashing food assistance, climate change was advancing relentlessly and more? Get to work Mr. Secretary! Vilsack subsequently found work as chief Washington lobbyist for dairy-exporting corporations, drawing a million-dollar annual paycheck. Meanwhile, every day, two more U.S. dairy farms go bankrupt under low milk-price policies he sanctioned. Does he not think farmers notice… and turn Republican? As a former agriculture commissioner of Texas, I know that the USDA (created in 1862 by then-President Abe Lincoln to be what he called “The People’s Department”) could become a transformative force for the Common Good. But our recent presidents have written the position off as a Cabinet slot meant to keep the corporate giants of agribusiness content and in charge. Thus, the USDA’s top leadership has been somewhere between indifferent and hostile toward the majority of workaday rural people who need an ally. So, let’s become that ally. Here’s a chance for progressives to rally a broad grassroots constituency to refocus the work of this huge public resource and make it The People’s Department again. The tools for making this fundamental structural change are in place, and the political energy for success needs to come from the people themselves. Impossible? That’s what those who pushed hard and fast for the New Deal were told.
Meanwhile, post-Trump America is adjusting just fine.
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HUMOR TIMES
March, 2021
Quixotic Endeavor? The vaccine sweepstakes continues...
and real leadership is required.
Those with connections are trying to cut in line...
while others may find another kind of shortcut.
There may only be one way to achieve full coverage...
but Biden is determined to get there.
Meanwhile, kids are going stir-crazy...
but going back to school is problematic.
March, 2021
HUMOR TIMES
17
Miscellaneous Mischief
18
HUMOR TIMES
March, 2021
March, 2021
HUMOR TIMES
19
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