Humor Times, July 2021

Page 1

“The filibuster…denies the majority the ability to address national problems free of obstruction.” – Brennan Center for Justice Issue #351

July, 2021

‘World’s Funniest News Source’ Mere l $2.98 y

®

Don’t Cry About the News, Laugh About It, with the Humor Times. Subscribe Today!


Be a Humor Times Patron!

If you believe in the cause of political humor, please consider becoming a Humor Times patron, via Patreon.com! Help us keep the lights on and pay our monthly bills, with a small (or large!) sustaining monthly donation. Get a reward, depending on your level of support. We thank you!

www.patreon.com/humortimes 2

OMNETWORKS A Complete Internet Solution WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support WWW.OMSOFT.COM • 530-758-0119 HUMOR TIMES

Available at the Artists Collaborative Gallery 129 K St. Old Sacramento www.johnreigerpottery.com July, 2021


Editor’s Letter

Space Case

We’re used to the constant hyperbole of political pundits and party hacks trying to convince people to come over to their side, like, “this is the most important election of our lifetime!” It seems every election is. Now we’re hearing from Democrats that the “For the People Act” must be passed, by hook or by crook, if we are to “save democracy!” Sounds like more hyperbole, doesn’t it? Problem is, this time, they are correct. Democracy itself is on the line. How can this be? Well, when one party tries to pass laws in multiple states that not only make it harder for people to vote, but actually give the party in power in that state the “right” to overturn an election result they don’t like (ie, their side loses), that is the very definition of anti-democratic tyranny. I know, sounds exaggerated again. But one of the dictionary definitions of tyranny is “unreasonable or arbitrary use of power or control.” And that is what we have here. New, onerous restrictions making it harder to vote (targeting minorities) are bad enough, but many Republican-led states are trying to pass laws that actually criminalize certain actions of local election officials. Naturally, Republicans claim to be only “protecting” the vote, but it’s obvious that, as a bipartisan pair of prominent election lawyers warned in a New York Times essay, provisions targeting election workers “no matter their stated intent, will be used as a weapon of intimidation.” And it gets worse. One of the most egregious proposals would give the State Legislature in Arizona the ultimate authority in deciding who the state’s presidential electors are. According to the Tucson.com news site, “it would spell out that lawmakers, by a simple majority, could revoke the formal certification of the election results and substitute their own decision at any time right up to the day a new president is inaugurated.” That’s right, if the Republicans in control of the Arizona legislature don’t like that a Democrat won the presidential election in their state, they could just magically change it. In other words, they’re saying, “F*ck the will of the voters, we know what’s best!” Therein lies the slippery slope to fascism. Of course, all these changes are based on the discredited lie that the 2020 presidential election was stolen and that mail-in voting is insecure. One big, fat lie perpetuated by their “Dear Leader,” the thin-skinned whiner and world’s biggest purveyor of fake news, Donald J Trump.

Only Billionaires like Bezos can afford the view...

and you can bet he won’t stop there.

– James Israel, Editor Meanwhile, as always, we remind you that we need your support. As a small publication in a challenging economy, we face a perpetual battle to survive. Please consider giving subscriptions, donating and/or becoming an ongoing patron at www.patreon.com/humortimes. Check out our website at www.humortimes.com as well as our subscription subdomain, subs.humortimes.com, and please share them widely, using the share buttons provided. Help spread the word that there is an alternative out there to boring news coverage! Our many cartoonists make us the “World’s Funniest News Source,” and we’re mighty proud of it. Make America Giggle Again, with the Humor Times! Thank you!

NOTE TO SUBSCRIBERS: First of all, thank you so much for subscribing to the Humor Times! You keep us going. Secondly, if you subscribed through an online magazine agent, please do us a favor and subscribe directly with us at https://subs.humortimes.com! For example, if you subscribed through an agency like magazines.com, we have to share your subscription fee with them, while our mailing and printing costs remain the same. So it would help us if instead you renewed directly with us. To check your account type, look at the address label on the back cover. After your name, you will see two numbers: one beginning with “S” and one with “D”. “S” is your account number, and it has a dash and another letter after the number. That denotes Direct (“D”) or Agent (“A”). If it’s “A”, you subscribed through an agent. Please get in touch with the company you used, and tell them you do not wish to auto-renew. (You will still get all the issues you paid for.) Then, be sure to contact us (see below) to let us know, as we’ll need to send you direct renewal reminders when it’s time. The price is the same if you choose to auto-renew with us (as you likely are with them). By the way, the other number on the label, starting with “D”, is the issue Due number – the issue with which your subscription comes due.The current issue number is on the front cover, upper left. Thanks again!

It’s as if these super-rich folk have something to prove.

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 30, Issue 351, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”) Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Subscriptions: http://subs.humortimes.com. Website: www.humortimes.com. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Galt, CA 95632. Contributors: Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Ken Catalino, Diane de Anda, John Deering, Michael Egan, Roger Freed, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, David Martin, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Dan Wasserman & others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times (formerly the Comic Press News) is printed on recycled paper, using at least 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2021. No part may be reproduced without permission.

$4 • SAVE $4 or more by ordering your subscription online at subs.humortimes.com! • $4

ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

Most people can’t afford tickets, but most also don’t mind.

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ How did you discover us? _________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $26.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $53.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $50.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $82.95 Trial Sub (3 issues) . . . . . $8.95 12 issues/PDF download. . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): __________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________ Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (OR include all this info on a sheet of paper. Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-758-8255.)

July, 2021

HUMOR TIMES

3


The Senator from Fantasyland The Dem Senator from W.V. has done some soul-searching...

He’s a “traditionalist” who pretends to roll with the party...

He’s lost in an illogical fantasy...

but is more like a pachyderm in equine’s clothing.

and blinded by a codependent relationship.

Mitch McConnell can’t believe his luck...

4

and decided to embrace his role as a contrarian.

and won’t hesitate to take advantage.

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2021


Joe Reaches the Summit Some weren’t happy about it...

He was well-prepared...

and feels right at home in such meetings.

He knows how to push the other side’s buttons...

but the experienced Biden can be tough too...

making Vladimir pine for his old buddy.

July, 2021

but Putin could hardly hide his glee.

Despite all the hype, we can’t expect much will change.

HUMOR TIMES

5


The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews U.S. Senator Joe Manchin Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Democratic Senator Joe Manchin. ANNOUNCER: Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. JERRY: Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. My mother refuses to talk to me. And Democratic Senator Joe Manchin from the not-so-great state of West Virginia is our guest. JERRY: Senator Joe Manchin, DonkeyHotey Senator Joe Manchin caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com. Say Joe. What do you know? SENATOR JOE MANCHIN: That I shouldn’t have come on your show. JERRY: Too late now, big fella. MANCHIN: I’m very upset with Democrats making my life miserable, just because I won’t vote to eliminate the filibuster. The liberals say I’m part of the problem in DC. JERRY: You’re not part of the problem. MANCHIN: Thank you. JERRY: You are the problem. MANCHIN: You’re wrong. I’m fiscally responsible and socially compassionate. JERRY: Really? You vote with the Retrumplicans on gun laws and abortion issues. MANCHIN: Whatever it takes to get elected, Duncan. JERRY: Is that a Czech thing? You’re of Czechoslovakian heritage. MANCHIN: I am. JERRY: Okay. What do you call an abortion in the Czech Republic? MANCHIN: I don’t know. JERRY: A cancelled Czech. MANCHIN: That sounds right. JERRY: You’re 74 years old. You were Governor of West Virginia from 2005-2010 and been a U.S. Senator since 2010. You’ve always voted to increase our reliance on fossil fuels. Particularly coal. MANCHIN: Absolutely. Coal is used to generate electricity. It’s a key ingredient in steel making and cement production. Don’t forget that Santa Claus needs coal to put in stockings on Christmas Eve for naughty boys and girls. And most important, we use coal for the eyes of snowmen. JERRY: You need to empty your head. The coal dust is coming through my computer. MANCHIN: We don’t worry about coal dust in West Virginia. However, there can be bad news for some of our citizens that work in the coal mines. They’ve gotten lung cancer.

JERRY: That sucks. MANCHIN: The good news is that most of them tested positive for Alzheimer’s. JERRY: Thank goodness. You had me worried. JERRY: You’re against pass ing common sense legislation like the Voting Rights Act. MANCHIN: I don’t want people to vote. That means they need to learn how to read. JERRY: Big Joe. Is your refrigerator runnning? If so, I would vote for it. JERRY: Do you support LBGTQ? Joe Manchin caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com. MANCHIN: You mean the Ukrainian President? JERRY: No, you idiot. The Equality Act that discriminates against transgender people. MANCHIN: Not now. But I will when Senator Lindsey Graham comes out of the closet. MANCHIN: Duncan. What about the good things I’ve done? JERRY: Like? MANCHIN: I voted against attempts to repeal the Affordable Care Act. Voted against tax cuts. Supported impeaching Trump twice. JERRY: Not good enough. You’ve been nominated for the Rush Limbaugh Award for pretending to be a Democrat. MANCHIN: I’m the only elected Democrat to DC from West Virginia. What will happen to the party if I’m voted out? JERRY: Democrats can land on the sun. They just have to land when it cools off. See you tomorrow. Follow “A Bit of Biden” every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on Instagram @abitofbiden. The Jerry Duncan Show, (c) Dean B. Kaner

Academics Address the Filibuster (Full letter: Scholars for Reform, https://scholars-forreform.medium.com) Over 350 academics – nonpartisan historians, political scientists and other scholars – joined as signatories on a letter in May of this year to the Senate in support of filibuster reform. Here is an excerpt: We believe that procedural reform can strengthen the core functions of the Senate as envisioned both by the Framers of our Constitution and by generations of Americans — as well as sust a i n A me r i c a n s ’ f a i t h i n democracy... The Fram ers de signed the Senate to be a uniquely deliberative body... But the Framers explicitly rejected a supermajority requirement for common legislation. In the wake of the Articles of Confederation, which prescribed a supermajority for a variety of federal actions, delegates debating and drafting our Constitution were acutely attuned to the problem of gridlock. At the Constitutional Convention, they reflected a broad agree ment that the supermajority thresh olds had paralyzed the young government, and i n t ur n di s m i ssed a supermajority proposal except for three types of votes: impeachment, treaties, and constitutional amendments. After the Convention, James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, and John Jay, among other Framers, discussed their support of simple majority requirements for all other matters — the fundamental “republican principle,” as Madison put it. By and large, the Senate functioned by majority rule for over a century. Today, the Framers’ vision of the function of the Senate has largely been inverted. Leaders on all sides agree that the Senate does not engage in the robust deliberation, debate, and compromise it once did. And it is now the world’s only leg is la tive body with an effective supermajority requirement for common legislation... We encourage you to embrace procedural reform… We all agree that some type of reform is essential. At stake is not only a functional Congress, but public faith in our system of government.

6

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2021


The Great Reinstatement of the Reality TV President “Mar-a-Lardo” has fine-tuned his control over the GOP...

and they will believe anything he says.

He’s peddling his latest fantasy to anyone who will listen...

though the reality may be slightly different.

Þ

He’s under investigation…

Meanwhile, MAGA nation awaits his triumphant return.

but knows how to deal with such things.

July, 2021

HUMOR TIMES

7


Keep It Quiet Shh! Republicans are sleeping soundly to a fairy tale...

and don’t want to be disturbed.

When it comes to school, they say, it’s also best to keep quiet...

They’re already preparing for the midterms...

and Rudy Giuliani’s son wants to a shot at NY mayor, just ’cuz.

It seems the party we knew is gone forever...

8

because even historical lies must not be disturbed.

and they are committed to their new alternate reality.

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2021


Economic Indicators Prices are rising...

and home rates are through the roof.

Wages aren’t rising quite so easily...

yet big companies still treat workers like wage slaves...

and still hold the upper hand.

Funding needed changes should be pretty simple...

but that kind of thinking is for fools...

July, 2021

and you’re smarter than that. Right?

HUMOR TIMES

9


Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


‘We Report, You Decry!’ Francis Ford Coppola Re-Cuts ‘Apocalypse Now’ Yet Again By Dave Richards ‘Apocalypse Now: The Absolutely Last and Final Cut Ever, No Really, I Promise’ opens in select theaters on Friday.

Francis Ford Coppola.

Francis Ford Coppola is at it again. Considered to be one of the best filmmakers of all time, Coppola is taking a victory lap around Hollywood with his beloved masterpiece Apocalypse Now. Apparently, Coppola is still upset about being snubbed at the 1980 Academy Awards for Best Picture and Best Director. “Kramer vs. Kramer, really? The Academy picked that pile of debris over the best film of all time? Has anyone even heard of Kramer vs. Kramer? I haven’t, I had to google the 1980 winners to find out which film supposedly beat the best film of all time. Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep are overrated!!!” Coppola told reporters during a break from running laps around the Academy headquarters in Beverly Hills while pumping his 1980 Golden Globe award for Best Director in the air. “Who wants to watch another story about a tiresome whiny family when you can watch snarly men with machine guns, napalm, and flamethrowers? People want action! I know we won some conciliatory Oscar for Best Sound or Best Janitor or some crap like that, but really, how hard is it to hold a boom mic or a mop?” Apocalypse Now: The Absolutely Last and Final Cut Ever, No Really, I Promise opens in select theaters nationwide on Friday. “I’ll show those little twerps at the Academy what a real film is!” Coppola added.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Newly-Discovered Delta Blues Strain: Deadliest Covid-19 Variant? By Ted Hol land, Dis patches from SNN (Slobovian News Network) The newly discovered “Delta Blues Strain” may prove to be the dead li est vari ant of Covid-19 of all time. New variant may have originated at Blind Luther’s Juke Joint in Gitlow decades ago. Unlike normal strains of Covid, which attack the respiratory system, the Delta Blues variant attacks the body and mind’s Musico emotional system. Older people who primarily listen to Dean Martin or Celine Dion are extremely targeted by the strain, as are young people who listen to hip-hop. Listeners of modern country music are also at risk. According to SNN, insiders at the Center for Disease Control say that the Delta Blues Strain originated in Mississippi at Blind Luther’s Juke Joint in the town of Gitlow. The disease then spread to India when someone there bought a

Blind Luther’s Juke Joint: Ground Zero?

guitar pick from Blind Luther on eBay. The World Health Organization has revealed that GutBuckette Pharma of Itta Benna, Mississippi has developed a vaccine to battle The Delta Blues Covid. Recently Dr. Hifi Phono Musical and Medical director of Gutbuckette spoke to the press.

Putin: Crimea Incursion Was ‘Normal QAnon-Russian Connection: MTG Tourist Visit’ by Russian Travelers Putin: “We love Crimea and the Crimeans to death! We just wanna bear-hug them forever!” By Michael Egan MOSCOW — Russian president Vladimir Putin told a press conference today that the armed Russian citizens currently occupying Eastern Crimea were on a “normal tourist visit” and are nothing but “freedom-loving tourists” just looking for a little fun.

He gave one of his famous friendly winks and laughed. “Imperialist running-dogs who say 3/14 was an invasion are just telling a bald-faced lie. Is a lovely day in the neighborhood. We’ve always wanted to have neighbors just like them.” Hanging up his cardigan, Putin went on: “So a few people were killed. That’s just the circle of life. Hakuna Matata!” Putin added that his tourists loved eastern Crimea so much they were assembling in large numbers on the border of western Crimea. “They’re eager to check out the rest of the country, especially Kiev. I hear it’s the most beautiful capitol city in Europe. “The aerial surveillance photographs I’ve seen confirm that. I can hardly wait for my own tour, no later than 2023.”

Mars Could Fall from the Sky, Warn Scientists Nice guy Putin.

“We non-expansionist Russkies have always kept a friendly eye on the Crimea,” Putin said, “and es pe cially its Black Sea port of Sevastapol. Several of our tourists now harbor their submarines and cruisers there.”

Ripping the Headlines Today

By Ted Hol land, Dis patches from SNN (Slobovian News Network) If you were planning to spend a half million dollars to take one of those highly advertised tourist trips to the planet Mars, you may want to pause and consider the following new info about the “Red Planet,” including the hypothesis that it could fall from the sky. According to Dr. Tikkel Uranus, head of the national Slobovian Space Program, studies in-

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: $1.2 million worth of cocaine found on Florida beach during turtle nesting survey … This finally explains the superpowers of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Dark matter is slowing down the slab of stars at our galaxy’s center Except Meryl Streep — that’s one star noth ing slows down. Heat wave has sparked another round of grid problems in Texas Apparently, Texas is the ‘The Lone Star State’ based on the Yelp reviews of its power grid. Biden apologized for being short with a reporter … which means Joe Rogan owes everyone an apology. FBI raids home of L.A.-based actor, Siaka Massaquoi, who entered Capitol Jan. 6 with right-wing protesters For those who said he could no longer get himself arrested, he sure showed them. Marjorie Taylor Greene visited the Holocaust Museum and spoke about how awful the Holocaust was Chances are pretty good, she visits the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame and declares it devil’s music. Trump wants to be Speaker of the House … Only if Deutsch Bank holds the mortgage.

President Biden and the first lady, Dr. Jill Biden, met with Queen Elizabeth II at Windsor Castle on Sunday … what a relief not hiding the silver like when the former guy visited. Benjamin Netanyahu leaves office by accusing Joe Biden of permitting the extermination of the Jews So, he’s taking it better than expected. Kendall Jenner in a thong bikini is the energy we need for summer 2021 You’d think with all that money she could afford a full bathing suit. Happy 79th Birthday, Sir Paul McCartney In Keith Richards years that makes you 347. Applaud Juneteenth progress but not pushback on Critical Race Theory Because now kids get the day off for Juneteenth, but, their schools can’t tell them why. Conan’ last guest will be Jack Black, as audiences return for TBS show’s final two weeks When was it announced his replacement will be Jay Leno? In 268-161 vote, House repeals 2002 war powers measure that gave the Bush administration legal authority to invade Iraq after 09/11 … yeah, now that nobody wants it…

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

12

”Persons whose primary musical intake is Blues, Soul, Motown, Rock & Roll or old-fashioned Gospel are completely immune to this strain. However, if you are listening to the Monkees or Herman’s Hermits, you should seek medical treatment immediately.” She continued, “If you listen to jazz or classical music, quarantine yourself for 41 days with Thelonious Monk or Mantovani and see how you feel.” Dr. Phono also stated that Gutbuckette’s newly-released Eric Clapton vaccine is simply not strong enough to combat the powerful Delta Blues Strain. Per sons who have taken the Clapton vaccine should get the 12-bar BB King Booster shot. The company is developing a more powerful Muddy Waters vaccine and the super-powerful Howlin’ Wolf “Killin’ Floor” to eradicate the Delta Blues variant altogether.

dicate that due to Earth interference, Mars will likely tumble from the sky. What Dr. Uranus has discovered is that while Mars does have 38 percent of the Earth’s gravity, that holds true for only the first 12 minutes that Earth objects and earth beings are on the planet. What kicks in then is Mars “reverse magnimosity.” Under the reverse magnimosity, a 100 lb being would suddenly weigh 234,000 earth tons, enough to dislodge Mars’ place in the universe. According to Dr.Uranus, space modules and land rovers that have been deposited on Mars may have already caused irreversible damage, and possibly started the planet’s descent from the sky. If this is true, Dr. Uranus projects, the planet would land here on Earth in the area of Yankee Stadium, possibly during the projected World Series between the New York Yankees and the New York Mets. Dr.Uranus also states that humans could be susceptible to the highly contagious and deadly “Mars Pox.” Mars Pox is a distant relative of Earth Chicken Pox, but which causes the skin to be covered in foul smelling, puss filled green warts. Martians use flaming gasoline baths to purge their outer skin layers, but there is no known Earth cure for Mars Pox.

HUMOR TIMES

Swapped with Russian Agent

By Diane de Anda An anonymous source within the FBI has provided some astounding news regarding both QAnon and Marjorie Taylor Greene. Many had suspected that QAnon was a creation of some independent Russian trolls. However, there is now clear evidence that QAnon is run by the Russian government’s GRU, an infamous version of the US CIA.

QAnon march. Photo by Anthony Crider, flickr.com.

Although noted for its more brutal tactics, the GRU specializes in subversion, so it was natural for them to develop a vehicle that would spew absurd, but provocative false conspiracy theories to create great divides in the country and the government to weaken and ultimately paralyze the U.S. The FBI has also uncovered why the conspiracy theories are so absurd. They are all dreamt up by the agents in the midst of week-long benders of the finest Russian vodka, followed by Samuel Adams beer chasers. The Russians selected this brand of beer, because it is the name of one of the U.S. Founding Fathers, and they are fond of irony. Although they made headway with their operatives in Fox News and the Trump organization, they still needed a vocal proponent in the Congress. That’s when the plot thickened with Marjorie Taylor Greene. When they first noticed her, she was just another local parroting their conspiracy theories like a good QAnon. First, they supported her campaign with huge amounts of dark money. Noting her masculine facial features and her build resulting from her weight lifting, they were then able to replace her with a Russian agent, once she won her seat in Congress. The FBI has intercepted a recent communication between a top GNU official and the head of the QAnon forces. Here is the translation: “The delays are unacceptable. We think we should have just kept the real Marjorie Taylor Greene; she may have been much more successful in destroying democracy.”

Surgeon General’s Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming The U.S. Surgeon General warned citizens about a national humor magazine called the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to bouts of belly-laughter. “We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” she went on, “but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.” (Ed. note: A subscription form can be found on page 3 – use at your own risk!)

July, 2021


Losing? Change the Rules! When you put party over country...

it can be hard to keep a straight face.

Counting votes becomes farcical...

Soon, desperation takes over...

and you can talk yourself into almost anything.

and satiating your lust for control is all that matters.

You lose all sense of irony...

July, 2021

and become blind to the truth.

HUMOR TIMES

13


Katy Bar the Door It was an emergency requiring all hands on deck...

a time to take a stand.

But no investigation is needed...

because they already got to the bottom.

It’s easier to rewrite history...

They have bigger priorities...

14

and let bygones be bygones.

so don’t be surprised when history repeats itself.

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2021


Need a Good Reason Things are finally opening back up...

but the CDC still begging people to get vaccinated.

States are trying everything...

July, 2021

to motivate people.

The case for an accidental lab release is growing...

and theories are evolving...

as is the reporting.

Meanwhile, a new detection method has to pass the smell test.

HUMOR TIMES

15


The Hightower Lowdown

Holidays

To Fix the Labor Shortage, Start with the Wage Shortage Father’s Day was celebrated recently...

and before that, Memorial Day.

Now we have a new, long overdue holiday...

A recent newspaper article had an astonishing headline: “Labor shortage ends when wages rise.” Gosh, Captain Obvious, what an amazing discovery! Someone notify the Nobel Prize committee, for this revolutionary revelation about How-Things-Work surely will win this year’s prize in economics. Better yet, someone notify Sen. Mitch McConnell and that whole gaggle of Republican governors whose theory of labor economics begins and ends with the medieval demand that workers be whacked with a stick to make them do what the bosses want. At issue is the furious complaint by restaurant chains, nursing homes, call centers, Big Ag and other low-wage employers that they have a critical labor shortage. It seems that millions of workers today are hesitant to take jobs because there’s no affordable child care, or the jobs they’re offered expose them and their families to illness and death from COVID-19, or the work itself is abusive and demeaning… or all of the above. Business chieftains wail that, with the economy reopening, they’ve been advertising thousands of jobs for waiters, nursing assistants, poultry workers and such, but they can’t get enough takers. So, Congress critters and governors who obsequiously serve the corporate powers have rushed to their rescue. Shouting, “Whack ’em with a stick!” these mingy politicians are stripping away jobless benefits for America’s workers, trying to leave them with no choice but to take any crappy job they’re offered. It gives new meaning to the term “workforce.” In fact, the bosses themselves already have an honest way to get the workers they need without calling in government muscle: Offer fair wages! As the owner of a small chain of restaurants in Atlanta notes, the struggle to find the staff he needs suddenly turned easy when he stopped lowballing wages, going from $8 to $15 an hour. Not only did he get the workers he needed, but also he says, “We started to get a better quality of applicants.” That translated to better service, happier customers and more business. The real economic factor in play here is not wages; it’s value. If you treat employees as cheap, then that’s what you’ll get. But if you view them as valuable assets, then that’s what they’ll be — and you’ll all be better off. At a recent congressional hearing on America’s so-called labor shortage that corporate

JIM HIGHTOWER bosses have been wailing about, megabanker Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase, offered this insight: “People actually have a lot of money, and they don’t particularly feel like going back to work.” Uh… Jamie… a lot of money? Most people are living paycheck to paycheck, and since COVID-19 hit, millions of Americans have lost their jobs, savings and even homes. So, they’re not exactly lolly gagging around the house, counting their cash. Instead of listening to the uber-rich class ignorance of Dimon (who pocketed $35 million last year), Congress ought to be listening to actual workers explaining why they’re not rushing back to the jobs being offered by restaurant chains, poultry factories and such. They would point out that there is no labor shortage; there’s a wage shortage. More fundamentally, there’s a fairness shortage. It was not lost on restaurant workers, for example, that while millions of them were jobless last year, their corporate CEOs were grabbing millions, buying yachts and living large. Yet, more than half of laid-off restaurant workers couldn’t get unemployment benefits because their wages had been too low to qualify. Then there’s the high risk of COVID-19 exposure for restaurant employees, an appalling level of sexual harassment in their workplace and demeaning treatment from abusive bosses and customers. No surprise, then, that more than half of employees said in a recent survey that they’re not going back to those jobs. After all, even a dog knows the difference between being stumbled over and being kicked! So, rather than demanding that government officials force workers to return to the old exploitative system, corporate giants should try the free-enterprise solution right at their fingertips: Raise pay, improve conditions and show respect. Create a place where people want to work! For a straightforward view from workers them selves, go to the ad vo cacy group, OneFairWage.site.

that could require some education.

16

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2021


Biden’s Buddies

Congressional QAnuts Georgia & Florida have very special representatives...

V.P. Kamala Harris took one for the team...

who are known to be all about action...

while the Attorney General is just taking a pass...

and creative points of view...

which is just fine with the former prez...

that do the party proud.

who thinks the current prez should watch more TV.

July, 2021

HUMOR TIMES

17


Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2021


July, 2021

HUMOR TIMES

19


Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care. Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment. Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry • Surgically Clean Air Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing. Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.


The adventures of Steven Harris in the afterlife are now compiled in one edition, collecting the entire run of the hilarious alternativenewspaper comic strip.

California Stage Theater Creations presents Social Distance Theater: Music and Art in in the Courtyard 2021!

Available at barnesandnoble.com

POLITICAL HUMOR Is Serious Business! ®

Help Save America’s Soul by Giving Subscriptions!

News, the fun way!

Don’t cry about the news, laugh about it, with the Humor Times! Order online for up to $4 off! Or use the handy coupon on page 3 (or write the recipients’ names and addresses clearly on a piece of paper), include a check or money order for $26.95 per subscription (or just $9.95 for the downloadable PDF edition), payable to the Humor Times, and mail to:

Humor Times • P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, CA 95816 • HumorTimes.com

Advertise in the

20 % OFF

when you menti on this ad!

Call 916-758-8255 or email info@humortimes.com for more information.

Concert in the Courtyard! July 3rd, 8-10pm: Jessica Malone. With northern California roots, award winning singer-songwriter Jessica Malone writes lyrics that seem to grow from the landscape itself. The soulful songstress creates a one of a kind sound that blends a rootsy Americana. More info & tickets: CalStage.org.

First Stop, Second Saturday Live Music and Art, continuing all summer! FREE, from 4-7 PM. Next up: July 10th, with artists PJ Tilson, Roy Tatmana and Jerry Mamola. Live music by singer/songwriter James Israel.

In the R25 Arts Complex, 25th & R St, Midtown • Free parking Reservations & Info: CalStage.org


Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.